#also it's a program in a deep red state which like... if i get in i will deal with but it's definitely part of my hesitation to be joyful

[queenerdloser]

i got waitlisted at a potential mfa program and on one hand it feels REALLY good to have positive news (it's been all rejections so far lmao) but on the other hand the likelihood of me getting in off the waitlist is so small that i don't feel like i can celebrate. and it means even more waiting around for news when i'm honestly just ready to be done with this cycle lol.

[inscrutable-shadow]

Whumptober 2024 Day 1 - l'esprit de corps

No. 1: RACE AGAINST THE CLOCK

Search Party | Panic Attack | "If only we could hold on.” (Icysami x Renegaderr, Strangers.)

Mariano and Luis (who is. not here. lol) belong to @crash-bump-bring-the-whump. Finally made a banner for the shared military AU! Thanatos is.... well adjusted, surely.

contains: post-traumatic stress disorder, flashback, water phobia, grounding techniques

also available on ao3!

One of the most important parts of therapy, in Thanatos's opinion, was remaining in tune with one's own emotional state. Allowing oneself to be buffeted about by the client's emotions and your own issues led to dysregulation, which was a slippery slope to all kinds of emotional fallout. He made a habit of regular check-ins with himself during a session to ensure he didn't have anything going on that would impair his judgement, which is why when he noticed his attention had drifted away from the words his client was saying, it immediately sent up red flags.

Than's pen had stopped moving over the paper several minutes ago, and he couldn't quite get his eyes to focus. With some clients, it was a battle not to fall asleep in his chair, so mundane were their problems or so well-trodden the topic, but not with this one. He'd never in his life been bored during a session with Mariano. Ortiz was one of his favorite puzzles, Thanatos was always laser focused during their sessions, taking reams of notes and running through what literature he's been through lately on post-traumatic stress, searching for a path forward. He'd been doing the same today, his handwriting at the top of the page was immaculate, flowing cursive, as usual, but as he'd proceeded further down "I had deteriorated into a barely-legible scrawl. His hands were… shaking. That wasn't good. What were they even talking about? He couldn't… he couldn't hear anything but the blood rushing in his ears.

Oh. Yes. Panic attack. He got them on occasion, sometimes without an identifiable trigger. In this case, Mariano had been discussing his early days in the war mage program. Thanatos had thought he'd be fine hearing about it, he'd never have taken on the mage as a client if he hadn't. Must just be an off day, something else getting to him, making him vulnerable. He was fairly confident the dripping water he was hearing was not a leaky pipe, nor was his sweater vest actually kevlar. It was getting worse.

He needed… needed to get himself under control. Needed a break, needed to stop. Move, Thanatos. " H-Hey, Mariano. This is all— It's all great stuff, yeah? We're… we're making e-excellent progress." Inhale. Exhale. Steady yourself. "I really would like to pick up right where we left off next time, but I think— ahem! I think I need to wrap up for to day, if that's all right. I… I'm suddenly not feeling very well." As cliché as it was, Thanatos had always gotten good results from concentrating on his breath. Deep inhale after deep exhale, counting his heartbeats as they slowed. He was okay, really. He just needed a minute.

"Oh, that's okay… Are you alright? Do you want me to get you some water?" Mariano was already on his feet and moving to the cooler.

Water was the last thing he needed. Gods, he could feel it on his face. "No! I'm… fine, Mariano. I just need some time to myself, really. We can re-reschedule… for tomorrow, or some other day, or you can come in early next week! Whatever works best for your schedule." In Hermes' name just leave…

Fuck. He was dripping wet, and so cold. Shivering, leaning heavily on the desk from where he'd stood to show Mariano out. You're losing control. Get a grip, Booker. Inhale. Exhale. If it's obvious you're cracking under the strain, the abuse only gets worse. They're looking for your limit. Don't let them find it. He just needed to wait for this to pass somewhere he could be alone. Just needed it to pass. It would, he knew it would. Inhale. Exhale.

A hand on his shoulder nearly made him break. "I… don't think I can do it this time, Luis. I think it's too much…" The words came out slowly, mechanically. It was always too much. And he always kept going. Luis would tell him he could do one more, one more bucket, one more dunk, one more minute, and Thanatos would shake and shudder and cry but he would. He always would. Had to. The alternative was unthinkable.

"Oh. That's okay. You… you don't have to do anything."

That was… a surprise. Letting him off early? "I'm… almost done?" He didn't want to be dismissed from training, he could do it, he could be better—

"I think it's okay to stop for today. Come on, here, take a seat. You don't have to do anything anymore."

It didn't make sense, but Thanatos wouldn't ignore a direct order. He could deal with the consequences if it turned out to be a trap, weasel his way out of it then. He'd always been a smooth talker. He accepted being led to his chair and put his head on his knees, forcing his breath through his nose. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. It was working, he was calming down. The edges of the world didn't feel as fuzzy. "No, it's… I'm okay. I'm sorry. I can do it, I just need a second," he tried again.

Luis held Thanatos's hands between his. "You're okay. No need to go again. No more water, Thanatos."

Really? He was done? No more? Relief crashed through him like a wave, and when he lifted his head, his vision no longer crackled with static. He… recognized those scarred hands though. A war mage's, but not Luis's. "M-Mariano?" Why was Mariano here? Had he been… He'd been in a session, hadn't he?

He looked up into the young mage's face, at the relief reflected there, and felt his own drain away into a pool of dread. He'd just had a panic attack in front of a client. He'd have to weave words very delicately to salvage this. Either that, or show vulnerability. He wasn't sure which idea scared him more.

taglist: @athens-writes, @albatris, @thethistlegirlwrites

[stareaterreads]

Private Rites

Book: Private Rites by Julia Armfield

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

You can almost feel the ever-constant rain pit-pattering on your brain as you read.

At my age, as young as my early twenties, I’ve spent much of my life being told the world is heading toward certain doom. Even in a state as red as the summer setting sun, so deep in denial of our weather’s fluctuations despite having more hurricanes with extreme behaviors, freezes deep enough to destroy our pipes never designed for this kind of winter, and hitting heat records earlier and later in the year than ever before.

The climate is a topic many people are very passionate about, yet it’s one I’ve heard become quieter amidst louder conversations. Many readers within my circles know I’m pretty loud about LGBTQIA+ rights, and it’s the subject I speak the most on (particularly because it’s the one I’m most knowledgeable on). Of course, color me fascinated the moment I was offered an ALC (Advanced Listener’s Copy) of Private Rites. I have had her book Our Wives Under the Sea on my radar for a while, and still fully intend to read it. When I read the blurb, I dove headfirst in.

As a first impression, Hannah van der Westhuysen’s voice felt like a wind blowing through your hair before lifting you off your feet and straight for the ground to start off the audiobook. I mean that in the best possible way, because I was immediately intrigued in the dreary and somber mood their tone sets. Their narrating through the whole book is done well with subtle changes in the perspective shifts between the three sisters to help differentiate each character. The cadence and huskiness in which they read creates a fantastic atmosphere for the book to be set within.

The story itself is a reimagining of King Lear, where the three sisters - Isla, Irene, and Agnes - are left with the loss of their callous and cold father among a world slowly drowning in a gentle, endless rain. While the three are navigating this not-so-sudden death and their estranged relationship with one another, they also struggle with the frayed ends of their lives, whether it be a love breaking away, a love that refuses to be let go, and a love just begun. The tension only makes them grow further apart as the will of their well-known architect of a father reveals favor to one sister over the other two.

Each of the characters, including the sisters and their partners, are written with a depth that makes them feel real. The issues they struggle with, their anxieties and worries, their anger and stress, all gives them dimension that I could imagine them as people I could have met in passing, with lives beyond the eyes of a stranger.

You can almost feel the pitter-patter of the never stopping rain on your brain from the moment you begin this book and weeks after you’ve finished it.

Julia Armfield has made a masterpiece of climate fiction. Van der Westhuysen delivers a breathtaking performance in this audiobook and will definitely be on my radar in the future. (Add. note: Fun fact! They acted in the Fate: The Winx Saga on Netflix! I haven’t watched it, but I thought that was a cool fact. I will always remember them first for this audiobook though, appreciatively). I would highly recommend this to anyone else with an eye out for either a speculative climate fiction book or a modern retelling of King Lear dripping with raindrops.

For those who, like 5% of the population and myself, who struggle with Seasonal Depression (or any other form of mood disorder), please get yourself some water and a more cheerful book to recover from this review. It may be difficult in this period to self-care, but please remember that if anything is worth doing, it is worth being done half-way. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend.

In any case, I want to thank Libro.fm and Macmillan Audio for gifting me this ALC through Libro’s bookseller program and my job as a bookseller. I also want to thank both Julia Armfield and Hannah van der Westhuysen for bringing this amazing queer climate fiction to life for the world to admire and appreciate. Last but not least, I thank you, dear reader, for reading and patiently supporting my blog, and I remind you that in this vast and sometimes lonely universe, you matter so much to me. Take care of yourself and don’t forget your meds and hydration! Until next time, I’ll be reading!

If you’re interested in this book, buy it from one of these links here! Bookshop.org - Barnes & Noble - Libro.fm [audiobook] or from your local bookstore! If you'd like to support my personal favorite bookstore, buy it from Katy Budget Books!

To bring up the downcast mood this review presents, I have this afternote for my fellow catastrophisers that need a pick-me-up to wrap the book review burrito better.

Even in what can feel like the dreary outlook of this world, there have been many monumental efforts made to bettering it and signs those efforts are working; in the past year or so alone, we have seen loggerhead turtles making a comeback in population based on an increase in their nesting population, renewable energy is projected to be on a big rise in several states and countries across the globe, and deforestation in Colombia and in the Amazon Rainforest have reached their lowest level in a substantial period. There is good news out there, it just takes a bit of effort to find compared to the doomsday posting social media algorithms tend to push. I personally like to look at OneTreePlanted's positive environmental stories posts when I'm looking for some good news about the world (which is where I found most of the above news as it made me smile) - plus, looking it up on your preferred search engine should produce some results, too.

[spidermanifested]

💔💛🖤 for FMA because you're always correct somehow

💔: If you had to remove one major character from the series, who would you choose?

i cant just say roy mustang a fourth time im challenging myself to come up with a creative answer

honestly? and if you can believe it mostly unrelated to the third question down there. i think if you took out hughes, and had to reframe the military protagonists' motivations to make them less reliant on "we need to avenge this one guy we liked", youd have room to explore more of the actual bad things about the amestrian government. that might lead people to want to rebel. like at least the nina chapter provided insight into why the state alchemist program is inherently corrupt, all we learn from hughes dying is "Breaking News! One Weird Geometry Fact The Homunculi Dont Want You To Know About"

youd have to restructure the maria ross parts too but i figure you could work something out without too much trouble. blame her for lab 5 going down or something idk

💛: What is a popular ship you just can't get behind, and why?

takes a deep breath. This may come as a betrayal to almost all of my devils nest mutuals. it may break my streak of always being correct in the eyes of the masses. but i dont........really see what everyone else sees......... in greed/dolcetto.........

"wow big shocker from captain grido" i hear everyone saying but llet me explain myself. i can rationalize why somebody might like it. and its not even the ship itself i have beef with really. its more, the widespread fandom elevation of dolcetto as Greeds Loyalest Guy, with mainly vibes-based justifications (hes a dooooooog!!!!) instead of textual evidence, that tends to accompany it? which to be fair exists outside of a shipping context as well. like on tv tropes for example

[CITATION NEEDED]

so. My bido loving soul naturally despairs. also the fact that it seems to have achieved almost default status in the fandom spheres im most interested in, so when you go looking for nest related stuff it crops up before long and you know how it goes with overexposure

my final reason is that i do love dolcetto as a character. That guy rules. which means it does me psychic damage to see his personality replaced with that of a shy blushing puppyboy, as he so often is in the ancient fanart i find combing the google search results,

🖤: Which character is not as morally good as everyone else seems to think?

As Per My Last Email: hughes lol

like i know in series hes meant to be a heroic figure but thats kind of my problem. hes just your average nuclear family loving gun toting red blooded american i mean amestrian, who joined the army to defend his definitely-under-attack right to have said nuclear family, and then started dating a girl while he was on the front lines and then used her as an internal justification to keep committing genocide, and then when he has a kid he threatens her (3 YEAR OLD) friends with a gun, and one of his Bonding Moments with winry is giving her a lecture on gender roles because dont you know men never talk about their feelings, and do you see why i thinkmaybe tje fact that he buys his daughter a lot of toys and waves around pictures of his family doesnt inherently make him the best dad on earth. like its really easy to be a good dad when your kid is a toddler and your wife does all the hard work taking care of her and all you have to do is bring home the paycheck. wild beasts are xoming to attack me once hit post on this one i think

[zmediaoutlet]

Hey there,

Hope you are having a lovely Wincesty day...

Scrolling through your delightful blog, I cam upon your Presidential J2/AU story.

I had read it before, and it was nice to revisit this piece.

Catherine Ackles.... do you have more of a back story for her? I like her character, and I don't like want to dislike her? Does that make sense?

Does she hate/resent Jared? I mean she's gotta know J2 love each other

How did her and Jensen meet? Is he bi? Did they have political ambitions from the start?

So many questions..

I loathe politics with a passion and I never watched West Wing, although I heard good things about it, but you made this a great read, I love your writing style.

Anyways, if you have a back story for Catherine, I'd love to see it. Thanks!

aw, bud! I'm glad you gave those fics a shot even though you're not a West Wing head. <3 Super sweet, ty ty.

I'd thought about writing a fic from Catherine's POV, but I kind of like leaving that series as a self-contained trilogy -- a little fairytale, you know? But I can for sure give you some Catherine backstory, because I like her and I'm glad you do, too. :)

So:

Catherine and Jensen met in college, after he left the Air Force. (I think in a Master's in Public Policy program, specifically?) Jensen had been very very closeted for a long time and Catherine was smart and funny and talented and clearly saw a lot of potential in him, and it just made sense to get married, you know? Unfortunately, she is so smart and observant, she started to put some stuff together, and Jensen admits to her finally that he's gay sometime during the first state office campaign. She is Disappointed To Say The Least (and Jensen feels very guilty), but at this point she's invested in his political career and thinks he's the perfect person to get the things done that they both believe should get done, and so she takes a deep breath and decides that they won't get divorced, and they can just. Live like this. It's not ideal but. What is? She just makes Jensen promise that if he's ever going to act on the gay thing he has to be superhumanly discreet and also tell her immediately, and he promises, and never breaks that promise.

I feel really bad for her, though. Like -- she's getting what she wanted, which is to be throwing the levers of power and making things move without necessarily being in the spotlight herself (until Jensen becomes President, obviously), but... she also thought her husband loved her. And he does, but not like that. And they aren't going to have kids, which she wasn't even totally sure she wanted to do, but now she definitely doesn't want to try. And when Jared becomes a thing and Jensen finally comes to her after that one night and confesses, she hates Jared for a week and then realizes that's stupid. She's very rational and it's ridiculous to hate someone for getting something you never actually had. So she's not Jared's best friend, either, but she realizes this is actually a good option considering how closely they work together and that Jared's also a true believer in Jensen's political career, and... it'll do.

I hope that she has an inhumanly discreet boyfriend on the side. (Actually in this case I'm thinking more of House of Cards than The West Wing.) Some also-powerful donor to one of her hospital projects, or something, who would have nothing to gain from announcing to the world that he's nailing the First Lady, and so she can go on trips and then stop in his city and have a weekend where she pretends that this is fine. And Jensen calls and tells her that they successfully negotiated some bill that'll help get more kids fed, or something, and it is fine. Your own happiness isn't the most important thing in the world.

And, you know, that's maybe an ongoing theme of that series, now that I'm thinking about it. Jensen's never going to Publicly Come Out and have it be some nice Red White and Royal Blue situation. Catherine's never going to write a tell-all. Jared's probably never going to get a happy retirement home in Austin somewhere with former President Ackles, although -- who knows, maybe when they're in their sixties no one would notice or care. I'm interested in people who are willing to give, if not the last full measure of devotion, at least a large portion of it -- who will give up a part of their life to make the world a little tiny bit better. The series is pretty fluffy but that's there, somewhere, in the core. I think Catherine lives her life by that principle.

[bongaboi]

Akron: 2024-25 Mid-American Men's Basketball Champions

CLEVELAND, Ohio — You come at the king, you best not miss.

After trailing by as many as 18 points, and weathering Miami’s storm of 3-pointers, Akron walked out of Rocket Arena with a 76-74 win Saturday in the MAC men’s basketball tournament final, their program’s sixth MAC tournament championship and second straight.

When Johnson drained a 3-pointer with 5:14 left in the second half, that cut Miami’s lead to 72-70.

For some time after the bucket, neither team scored. The Zips were unable to tie the game, and the RedHawks couldn’t buy a bucket.

Then came Johnson, the reigning MAC Player of the Year, with a jumper to tie it 72-all.

Miami’s Kam Craft, who had five 3-pointers in Friday’s semifinal win, tried to answer back with a trey, but was unsuccessful.

The Zips' Shammah Scott attacked the basket and was fouled, and made both free throws to give Akron a 74-72 lead, and their first since the 18:11 mark of the first half when leading 6-5.

Evan Ipsaro of the RedHawks took that same plan and got to the line himself, also making both to tie it again, 74-all, with 56 seconds remaining.

With 35 seconds left, it was Ipsaro again with the ball in his hands as the shot clock got closer to zero. He got as deep as he could in the paint before trying a fadeaway jumper, but it was a miss.

With eight seconds left, and everyone chasing the rebound, it was Akron’s Amani Lyles who grabbed it first and found Johnson running downcourt.

Johnson caught the ball, pulled off a euro-step past a Miami player, and so gracefully floated into the air for the game-winning teardrop with two seconds left.

Miami tried a last-second heave, but couldn’t get it up in time, giving Akron their third tournament championship in four seasons, and making them the first team since Buffalo (2018-2019) to win consecutive tournament crowns.

Thanks to the large waves of navy blue, Rocket Arena felt like a home game for Akron. Miami had a big section of red behind their team bench, but were overshadowed by the Zips' faithful in pre-tipoff cheers.

However, the RedHawks fans had their moment early on.

Only one name mattered in the first half: Peter Suder.

After Friday’s semifinal win over Kent State, Suder looked forward to playing Akron and avenging the 27-point loss suffered to them in January.

“They’re a really good team, but I think we’ll be a different version than the last time we played them,” Suder said Friday.

The transfer from Bellarmine caught fire and made a statement. He scored 16 of his 24 points in the first half, only missing one of his seven field goal attempts, and draining four treys.

He simply couldn’t miss, and neither could his teammates, making 10 of their 18 first-half 3-point attempts.

A made layup at the 8:13 mark of the first half gave Suder his 16th point, and a 34-16 lead for Miami, meaning he had as many points as Akron did.

And the RedHawks’ defense was sturdy, creating 11 points off seven Zips turnovers.

The Zips faithful was big in numbers, but small in noise due to the early lead the RedHawks created.

But the championship DNA in Akron helped it find new ways to stick around and only trail 46-34 going into halftime.

The RedHawks cooled off from beyond the arc, and Johnson found his rhythm offensively.

Johnson’s arsenal to get to the paint and earn points was visible, dribbling his way past anyone wearing red to earn 15 of his 23 points in the second half.

The aggressiveness from Johnson spread to his teammates, especially in terms of attacking the basket, which forced seven RedHawks fouls.

Akron’s Tavari Johnson caught some fire as well and drained three treys during their comeback, and finished with 15 points.

Gritty defense kept Miami to a 41.7% shooting performance in the second half, and to eight points in the paint.

The RedHawks were unable to continue their offensive clinic, and it hurt them in the end as Ipsaro’s two free throws were their only points scored in the final five minutes of the game.

Akron completed the comeback, and showed you should never underestimate the heart of a champion.

They will learn of their first-round opponent in the NCAA Tournament on Sunday at 6 p.m. when the bracket is revealed on CBS.

[ce534worldtraveler]

Visiting The Aliveness Project

I chose to visit The Aliveness Project www.aliveness.org in south Minneapolis.  The Aliveness Project links people living with HIV to resources for leading healthy, self-directed lives. Their goal is to end HIV in Minnesota by 2035 and they encourage people to donate to the cause, which is simple to do on the www.aliveness.org website.  The Aliveness Project is housed in a brick and mortar building at 3808 Nicollet Ave. S. and offers community members resources like: a food shelf, hot meals on site, case management services and integrative therapies. Established in 1985, The Aliveness Project has evolved over the years to meet the needs for people living with HIV and those that are most at risk of being diagnosed with HIV in their lifetimes.

The PrEP Clinic began in 2021 and has been funded primarily by private donations and grants. All HIV prevention services: HIV testing, PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), STI testing and treatment, syringe service program, PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) and other community health supports, are available at no cost to anyone living with HIV.  Dylan Boyer, Director of Development at the Aliveness Project stated that “racial disparities in who contracts HIV persist at alarming percentage rates. What we are doing – the idea to provide free healthcare to somebody is pretty radical. What we are doing in providing free PrEP is an anti-racist effort.” According to information found on www.reachtwincities.org, “daily PrEP use can reduce the risk of acquiring HIV from sex by more than 99%. Among people who inject drugs, PrEP reduces the risk of acquiring HIV by more than 74%.”

The clinic services in combination with a community-based approach is unique to The Aliveness Project, which is run by and exists for people living with HIV who take a “for us, by us” approach to community care.  This is important because of the shared experience and deep sense of kinship that exists between folks living with HIV, allowing members to not only get the care that they need but also allows them access to the fellowship that comes with supporting each other.

A hot meal is served, every day between 12-3 pm to Minnesotan’s living with HIV.  The food is all made in-house and served by volunteers, who are welcome to eat with the community.  I visited The Aliveness Project on a Friday afternoon as part of an assignment for my Multicultural Counseling class at Winona State University. My intention was to eat a free lunch and, I’ll admit, I was very uncomfortable as I approached the entrance.  When I stepped inside, I was surprised by all the activity; people were waiting to be seen at the Thrive clinic and others were exiting from what might have been a group session.  There was a front desk that I skirted past, as I really felt out of place and was hoping I could become invisible.  I headed to where the meals were being served and discovered a well-stocked food shelf, situated in the dining room.  The procedure was simple; grab a tray, walk past the food line and point to what you want to eat.  When it was my turn to approach the line, a volunteer operating the register asked me for my number.  I could feel my face turn red and I whispered: “I don’t have one.” Looking a bit confused, she directed me to get registered at the front desk, so I stepped out of line, put my tray back and left the building.

As I walked back to my car, I felt relieved, but also frustrated that I entered the building under the guise of needing a free meal and left feeling like I had been denied access to a meal because I didn’t have a number.  I thought to myself, “what’s the point of the number? Why would a hungry person need a number to get a hot meal? It was hard enough to humble myself to line up for a free meal, why didn’t I stay humble and ask questions at the front desk?” I began to feel entitled and put out, thinking: “I took time out of my day to come here, and things didn’t go as I planned.  I didn’t need a free meal anyway, I just wanted to experience what it’s like to be needy for a minute.  I didn’t feel welcome and or like I belonged there.  I felt like everyone knew I was a fraud.”  Which brings me back to feeling relieved, because I didn’t belong there, I didn’t need the services available through The Aliveness Project, but I didn’t know that when I was sitting in my car on that Friday afternoon. 

See, my entitlement as a middle class, white, able-bodied woman allowed me to walk into The Aliveness Project without any knowledge of who they serve, what they do or what their mission is.  My privilege allows me to walk through my south Minneapolis community and expect that all doors will always be open to me, even those that I don’t need to walk through.  It wasn’t until I sat down to blog about my experience and started researching The Aliveness Project, that I learned The Aliveness Project serves the people of Minnesota living with HIV.  Having HIV makes a person eligible for access to all services and resources available through the Aliveness Project and all that’s required is to show proof of an HIV diagnosis and a Minnesota ID. 

So, in the end, I didn’t sit down for a free meal at The Aliveness Project, but I did walk away with increased self-awareness and knowledge.  My experience aligns with the pre-exposure and exposure stages of Ponterotto’s model of cultural identity development. I also learned that my life experience excludes me from being part of the HIV community and I’m able to accept and honor that boundary.  Learning about The Aliveness Project inspires me to be a stronger advocate for the LGBTQI community by being more open to talking about sexual healthcare needs in therapy sessions and spreading the word about the good work being done by The Aliveness Project.

[muchadoaboutnot]

.

The rest of that day was uneventful except for the fact that Sable knew something prowled the Cirque like a predator. That's what it was and she was sure of it, the presence she felt was one a predator would give off hunting. Stalking. As if they were prey, especially the children in the lesson's trailer. She could tell that the trailer had been marked in some way that was invisible to eyes of the human nature, so even when her brown eyes turned to lilac and a deep purple she couldn't see it. Whatever that thing did it was something even she could not see.

Several times Sable thought about going to the director and trying to plead some case to leave this town. This town that was on part of their tour of the North East of the United States; but she knew unless something like an emergency would happen they were here for the next two weeks.

'Am I a guardian now? Must I guard my livelihood from that... That creature? That thing, that unclean thing.' Racked her thoughts as she did rehearsals in an autopilot sort of state. Several of her fellow performers gave her looks and had to correct her and tell her it was unlike her to be so full of errors. Apologizing more than any other day she had before during rehearsals in other shows she left early.

The waiting was the worst part or trying to exhaust her senses to feel its presence. The stupid clown she decided to think of him or it as, was felt no more that day and she was glad of it. But it made it worse because when would it show up next?

As evening turned to night and then the next day, the first day of their opening, Sable only woke up with dread.

Again she went through her usual routine: breakfast, stretches, lunch, rehearsals for several hours- finally makeup and costume in her private trailer.

Tonight's look she didn't like however and it gave her a sour mood because she loved dressing up. Playing dress up and performing she found exciting and pleasurable. But now looking at her reflection in her vanity and then the floor length mirror by the closet she wrinkled her nose. Dressed like a clown now she had the appearance of a pierrot clown; black and white costume that was flexible so she could do acrobatics without being punished. Boots that were non-slip. Her makeup white but smooth and black little stars underneath her eyes and little painted black lips. Her usually wavy was hair slicked back in a bun with a little white hat.

"Ugh."

The worst part of tonight's opening was how everything went off hitch free, it was perfect, it was spectacular and not once did she feel a foreboding presence.

Which made everything worse.

Because where was he? Where was it? Surely it would show up sometime tonight, right?

All these things she worried over and it made her angry and frustrated because she shouldn't let something, or someone, or whatever it was get to her. But the burden of being probably the only one to know that thing existed and was stalking the Cirque made her crazy also. Well other than Skylar but she had told him to leave that clown alone and made him promise, same she told him if he did see it again to go get an adult. She did however tell a few of the staff to look out for a tall man who was dressed like a clown but did not belong. But beyond that only she knew it was not a clown... Or a man... Or anything human.

This is why her relief came to her after her own program in the show ended, probably forty-five minutes later when the performance was coming to a close for the night. Around nine at night it was dark enough for all the lights to be lit and illuminate everything around her but also cast shadows.

Like a bloodhound, however, she walked the whole length of the Cirque again, getting several questions from other performers asking her why she didn't go change and shower already. A few of the crowd spotted her and asked her things about the show, all usual occurrences.

With the tenacity of a badger she found him, the familiar costume and red hair she made sure was burned into her mind. What alarmed her however was when she looked he was talking to two kids, younger than Skyler and part of the crowd but had been led off towards a corner in the shadows.

"Look! Another clown! She was in the show, she did flips." One of the children pointed at her, their eyes lit up at recognizing her. That made the clown however stand to his full height as he was slouching down to be closer to the two kids, his broad back was pointed towards her before he looked over his shoulder and scowled quickly at her before turning back into a smile for the kids.

"Hello you two, a little far from the front, aren't we?" Sable's voice was warm and she ignored the threat of the lanky man-thing and instead focused on the two small children. Her feet brought her next to him and she felt a sense of dread come over her before she pushed that feeling away. She had to be brave and smart and protect the two souls that stood before them. Clearly he didn't like her doing that and she felt his eyes burning holes into the side of her face but she didn't look at him right away.

"We got lost in the crowd and he was going to help us find our way back." They explained to her and with a swiftness that made both of the kids startle, she stepped between them and the taller clown and took their hands.

"Great! I'll help also! First, we need to go back to the crowd and start looking." She chatted in a little chirp as she looked at each of them before walking back towards the noise of the crowd.

"Oh but what 'bout Pennywise? Bye-bye Pennywise, thank you!" They looked back at him and waved their small hands at him; and as much as she wanted that to be the end of that the thing smiled and started to follow all three of them. Cursing under her breath she looked at him and glared but it did little to deter the thing and he only grinned and showed off his buckteeth which made the two kids giggle in her arms.

"Now, now, Miss. Clown we can have a little fun before we lead them home, can't we?" He chided in a playful voice that was almost sing-song like. It made her shiver and she shook her head and kept a hold of the children's hands.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Pennywise but it's time for everyone to go home." Sable replied in her own sing song voice with an edge that made him frown. The kids however found this bit very funny and watched in fascination as if they were a show. Finally however with quick steps she led them far enough away and back to the crowd that was now leaving the big top that Pennywise had left them.

Standing there holding the two children's little hands she felt a sort of exhaustion come over her body. She had never felt such a sense of danger ever in her life so far, not even when faced with things like guns or the fangs of an Earthly creature.

She was brought back to the present when she felt one of the kids tug on her hand.

"Are we going to find mom now?"

"Yes. We're going to find your mother now."

The rest of the night was uneventful.

[deannacornell]

The Hopeful Master Gardener - Onion & Potato Planting

Hey y'all!

Well, as I've stated I am a definite flower garden lover but I'm trying my hand at veggies this year. In an effort to be transparent - I've tried before but, I've failed miserably. I'm hoping with a little help from this program that I'll be successful this time.

One of the recent lectures was on raised bed vegetable gardening and since it's time to plant onions and potatoes that's what I did. I also used a yard stick, in a way that I would have never thought of. I love great little hacks!

I prepared my 4' x 4' raised garden bed by removing last years' dead weeds. This raised bed was formerly my cutting garden. I then added some soil and some compost for good measure. I also cleaned three cattle mineral tubs and drilled holes in the bottoms. Then added 6" soil. We shall see if any of this turns out right!

I'll attach a photo below. I thought the yard stick hack was pretty clever! Use a yard stick to dig a little trench. This makes it super easy to know how deep 1" is, then you've also got a great guide for your 4" spread markers. Then I used the yard stick to just push the dirt back in the 1" trench! I thought it was very clever and I planted 50 white onions in a very, very short amount of time. I should be able to harvest those in 100 - 120 days or so, but I also planted some onions to harvest in 3 weeks or so because I love green onions as well.

In addition to onions, I planted three tubs of Red Pontiac potatoes. I placed my cut seed potatoes, eyes up, and covered them with about 2 - 3" of soil in my prepared tubs. Once the plants are about 6" tall I will mound soil around the plant leaving 2" exposed and repeat once more. I will keep them moist but not soggy. I fertilized these with dry molasses and yum yum mix 2-1-1 (it was a freebie from the sweet master gardener that gave the lecture!) Hopefully I get a tub full of 'taters!

In a nutshell here's all I have to share so far about taters and onions:

Plant onion sets 1" deep and 4" apart.

Onions are heavy feeders so fertilizer is important; I plan on fertilizing with a 10-10-10 in about 3 weeks and again once bulb enlargement begins.

Onions are ready to harvest after 2/3 or more of the tops have fallen over.

I will keep the soil moist but not soggy (they say onions do not like wet feet and they also don't like competition from weeds).

After harvest they'll need to dry before storing. I'm going to harvest green onions in 3 weeks; I hope, anyway!

Potatoes were cut and had at least two chits (sprouts and a new word for me).

Potatoes were placed chits up on 6" of soil, then covered with 2-3" of soil

When the potato plant emerges and has grown to 6", I will mound dirt around the plant only leaving 2" exposed.

This mounding process will be repeated twice.

Harvest in 90-100 days when tops die back

That's all for now! Next time I want to talk about shrubs - which I'm way more comfortable talking about!

Now, go play in the dirt my friends!

[theflytrapchronicles]

Have You Ever Been Called a Narcissist?

I have.

I have also called someone the dreaded N word as well, unequipped at that time with the knowledge that someone can demonstrate narcissistic behaviors without being a diagnosable Narcissist.

The odds that you are dealing with a true Narcissist are slim. According to research, about .5% of the population of the United States are diagnosable Narcissists. The truth is that most likely you are dealing with someone who is self centered; someone who is capable of self reflection, and simply needs the courage to do so in order to change their perspective and their attitude. Finding that courage can be hard. Whether or not you have the patience to wait on and/or help someone find that courage is up to you, but that could be an expression of condependence as much as it is loyalty. It's entirely up to you and what your boundaries allow you to tolerate.

The selfish behaviors offered still cause damage and lack justification, but hopefully understanding that you're dealing with someone who needs to and can grow will help you find the patience needed to focus on your own healing.

Now, as someone who has been called a narcissist, I want to say that I understand how painful it feels, especially when coming from individuals you believed to be your friends.

However, if you can neatly tuck your pain to the side, I would ask for you to take in a deep breath and reflect on the why behind the accusation. Why is someone saying this about you in the first place? Is the allegation completely unfounded? Is this person, or group of people, saying so truly from a place of malice? Or is there a possibility that you have behaved in a manner that led them to draw this harsh conclusion?

To be honest, in my case, it depends entirely on to whom you talk.

Red flag #1: I currently have no close friends left; my inner circle has been razed to the ground. Red flag #2: I have family members with whom I share fractious relations. Red flag #3: My most recent job history reflects short term stays, and most likely my coworkers and managers will report that I am hot headed and temperamental. Some might even say I am "holier than thou".

I have two things to say to those remarks. The first is to believe them. I have acted out, but when I do it's predictable -- there are reasons for it. So, make sure to get all sides of a story because the picture painted by one party may blur the entire image if you do not.

Secondly, I have always viewed the world through a black and white lens, which often has gotten me into trouble with people I care about deeply. I have not always realized how powerful my words can be, and I fling them forward like spears into fish, staking my companions' hearts and roasting them over an open flame with my choice of language and tone. My tone can be quite scathing -- I could flay the skin from one's bones if I wanted. I believed quite strongly that my sense of ethics was just as I was not the only individual who promoted my sense of ethics.

For example: I believe in reputable dog breeding. I used to believe in adopt don't shop where the dogma was that all breeders were bad breeders. I became acquainted with and befriended a German Shepherd breeder, however, who taught me about reputable breeding practices -- the three pillars of which are: health testing, partnering complimentary confirmation and personalities, and titling dogs to prove their genetic worth.

When I came around to the reputable breeding side of things, I started to harshly judge anyone who did not fit the criteria of reputability, but still chose to breed their dogs. The crux of the matter for me was one of life or death -- if you're going to breed, you better be breeding healthy, stable dogs, otherwise you're contributing to the overpopulation problem. It was quite popular on Facebook, in a group called Dogbook, to bash breeders for their programs' flaws. The comments could be quite nasty, and I pulled much of my attitude from the mindset of these individuals to whom I felt connected. We shared similar ethics, and therefore these were my people, and I believed it was socially acceptable to behave as they behaved on the internet.

Read that last sentence again. You could almost say I am blaming other people for my choice of behavior. That's rather narcissistic, isn't it?

The thing is, if we are the company we keep, which is a popular expression my former friends like to throw my direction, then surrounding myself with the language of this group of people DID in fact influence my behavior. I am even aware of an ER veterinarian who dogs unreputable breeding practices in the same condescending tone I projected. This validated my thought process that this was acceptable behavior.

I would often become perplexed that the clinics I worked for supported the breeders who were clearly just breeding dogs for color in order to make a profit. I would then vocalize my opinion strongly, loudly, with an air of superiority in my tone.

What I did not know at this time in my life that I know now is that how you speak to people about the things you advocate for matters.

You can be educational without being an asshole.

This is why politics is often a subject that does not get discussed at dinner tables around the holidays. Unless you are sitting amongst like minded people, a fight could ensue. People do not know how to speak on their passions and beliefs without instigating a fight, or coming across as condescending.

I say people, by the way, but I really mean me.

I did not know how to discuss my passions without coming across condescending to anyone. To be honest, I still don't. I'm trying to learn how to speak softly and gently; without feeling like I need to use harsh words to get my point across, and, essentially, be heard.

Passion is not criminal. Passion can be painful, though, if utilized incorrectly. I do not want my passionate state of being to result in conflict. I want to express my conviction with consideration for people who are learning or who, maybe, simply did not think of things from that perspective before. Marginalizing them while opening their eyes does not do anything other than make me seem like a bully, and that is not how I desire to communicate.

Self-reflection has taught me much about myself that I never saw before. This is why I know I am not a true Narcissist; I am open to and willing to change. It just took me a long time, and multiple burned bridges, to get to that point.

And for that I am truly, sincerely apologetic.

I cannot take anything back. I can only move forward and, equipped with this knowledge, make the necessary adjustments to ensure my future engagements are healthier, kinder.

If you've ever been called a Narcissist, I hope this helps you to do the same.

Chin up. (And keep going. )

Also, if you share red flags with me, I have something quick to say about that. I have always struggled with making new friends. I remember having friends growing up, but I do not remember how I made them -- they were just there. Have you ever read the expression "an extrovert met an introvert, liked them, and claimed them" and that's how they became friends? That's me. I'm the introvert. I think anyone who has ever been my friend has had to introduce themselves to me and start a conversation with me, never the other way around.

As far as my family goes... when people tell you there's nothing wrong with you and they use toxic positivity to try and crush your mental health symptoms, you kind of have to move away from those people in order to heal. You also go see mental health professionals and have them validate that something is wrong with you by having them confirm that you are, indeed, experiencing mental health symptoms.

So, while I may not be a narcissist, I definitely am something else.

... like Schizoaffective.

Get checked out. It's worth every penny.

(Just. Keep. Going.)

[drifloonz]

Hey I love your writing I was wondering if you can do headcannons on Glitchy red finding a way out of his game too be with the reader?

hey remember when i actively did things here. i don't. Anyways [ tries to do that again bc i forgor and i feel bad abt staring at all of these asks for so long w/o doing anything ]

glitchy red finding a way out of his game to be w/ reader :]

headcanon style bc i am exhausted of writing and prob Will be for a while. at least w glitchy specifically. i hope this is good cuz' it's mostly me detailing my brainthoughts abt how glitchy could hypothetically escape in more detail.

♡ i like to think the reader in this case-scenario gives glitchy a much needed hope and desire to escape his game, which he didn't previously have bc he's definitely THOUGHT about it but he's like... too scared of change to actually try it despite how horrible his game is, i'd think. he's used to being constantly tormented and wouldn't know how to adapt. at least, that's the excuse he uses. he's also afraid that if he succeeded he'd literally glitch out of existence and "die" since yk, game glitches or characters aren't supposed to take physical form in real life because they're pieces of code.

♡ but once he meets you and you talk of everything in your world and you show him genuine care, you make glitchy realize he wants to be there and experience those things, and that maybe change wouldn't be so bad. after all, it'd definitely be better than the constant hellscape he's living in. even if he "died" in the way that he fears, it'd probably be better than living endlessly in his game. ...probably.

♡ as such, he tries to find a way to escape his game. the thing about that? way easier said than done. he has a lot of ideas, but a lot of them sound stupid.

♡ he still tries the stupid ideas because he knows full well that he himself is something that is not supposed to happen or exist, so he'd assume the games fucked up enough that the stupid ideas might also work. who knows. his existence isn't logical, him getting out of the game doesn't have to be either. that's his logic, anyways - it's not like he's supposed to be a physically existing being, either.

♡ some ideas he has consist of screwing with his weird dream powers, because he can usually affect peoples real bodies with them... so he can probably find a way to manifest through that, right?

♡ or maybe screwing around with the glitches in his game... a classic missingno to try and manipulate code, messing with the safari zones various quirks, hell, maybe he could break the game so bad that it somehow gives in to his desires and gives him an out through the broken mess of code while it collapses in on itself...

♡ he's afraid to try all of these because it'll probably make things way worse if it fails, and he never likes willingly interacting with the monstrous glitches in his game, but hey, you can't get much worse than the state the games already in. and if you can, he's almost definitely seen it, or seen worse.

♡ or maybe he could use a porygon...? but that'd be stupid, it's only code in a game, it couldn't possibly be Actually Able to do anything from being a pokemon said to be made from "programming code" could it...?

♡ ... which may or may not work. like i said, he isn't supposed to exist, but he does. any way he can exit the game can be similarly unlogical, barely explainable, and stupid, i feel.

♡ the most "logical" way to make glitchy a physical form is to make a robot that has a cartridge slot and slot it in and glitchys programming just takes it over and controls its autonomy and transfers his consciousness into it or something. but that requires you to have pretty deep knowledge of programming and AI and robotics for that to be executed well so. y'know.

♡ the other less logical way... but it still makes sense is like. him using someone as a vessel. he has dream powers. dreams are connected to consciousness, specifically your unconscious, and your thinking and your brain and stuff like that. if he cared enough, he could probably easily take over someone's entire - or most of - their body this way. although i do not think and also hope you don't have a human sacrifice laying around, and glitchy would not willingly take this from you either. even if it was someone who wronged him, he'd probably still feel too cruel abt it.

♡ it'd also probably have to have a very good antivirus bc i feel like inserting glitchys cartridge into anything has a possible chance to make said piece of technology fuck up real bad

♡ anyways.

♡ every time he fails or the method doesn't work out correctly, it pisses him off, but he's always been persistent. he treks forward even though it feels hopeless, sometimes.

♡ this quickly becomes a lesson in futility and he gets more and more frustrated every time he turns up with a failed attempt, and it sometimes makes his game even more glitchy and broken. but eventually. eventually he gets there.

♡ regardless of the way he gets out of the game, when he finally escapes and manifests in your world, he's probably just in your room or wherever you left the gameboy. or whatever you're playing his game on.

♡ he either crawls out through the screen, appears after a flash of convenient blinding light, or he forms out of glitching light from the cartridge or something like the cartridge is his gem from steven universe or something.

♡ maybe he'd still have to take a few days to gain an actual physical body in the real world, and he's basically a hologram or hallucination for a while. or maybe he can physically interact, but mostly just with your body and a few select items. he's also, as you can expect, still glitchy constantly IRL. maybe less when he's happy, but that never goes away. his glitches are like scars - they might get better and "heal" but they're always sort of there.

♡ i think it's also funny if before he gains the ability to physically interact he's basically only viewable to you for a while until he gains more physicality. he's using your subconscious to make him a form! by making you will his image into existence and into the collective unconscious!! or something!!! Nobody knows how the hell it works and it also depends on which way you think he would've escaped. highly interpretable and all that.

♡ regardless. he is mostly happy and safe and with you now. glitchy can be pretty smart and think quickly when he wants to, and this was a big example of it. he just really needs the hope and passion to drive himself forward, since he lost his hope and passion... prettttyy long ago, after his world got glitchy and broken. he didn't see a point to much anything and was very existential and all.

♡ so! you gave him that drive and motivation. not an easy thing to do. be proud of yourself. i hope you like him btw he's very clingy and won't leave your side for a good while.

[zoeykallus]

Crosshair – My Beloved Enemy 37 – Blowing Off Steam

Crosshair x Female!Reader (FF)

_____________

Everyone is tense, you are not out of the woods yet _____________

Warnings: Violence / Fight /Hurt / Angst

What Happened Before:

Part 1 - Crash Landing

Part 2 - Hot And Cold

Part 3 - Hello Kitten

Part 4 - Look Who’s Back

Part 5 - Rebel Darling

Part 6 - Burning Anger

Part 7 - Love And Pain

Part 8 - A Difficult Reunion

Part 9 - The Bitter Taste Of Blood And Failure

Part 10 - Where The Dead Ships Dwell

Part 11 - A Lonely Firefly In Space

Part 12 - Broken Wings

Part 13 - A Helping Hand

Part 14 - The Justifier

Part 15 - The Bounty

Part 16 - Trapped

Part 17 - I Love You Too

Part 18 - When The Past Catches Up With Us

Part 19 - I’ve Never Been Good At Goodbyes

Part 20 - Unexpected

Part 21 - The Question

Part 22 - Sleepless Nights

Part 23 - Sleepyheads And Making Up

Part 24 - Crosshair’s Conclusion

Part 25 - Good Soldiers Follow Orders

Part 26 - I’m Sorry Kitten

Part 27 - Bracca

Part 28 -Rampart

Part 29 - It’s All Tactics

Part 30 - CT 6116

Part 31 - Of Wolves And Sheep

Part 32 - Dying Hope

Part 33 - Hero Of The Day

Part 34 - When The Wolf Eats The Sheep

Part 35 - The Shepherd

Part 36 - The Toll It Takes

Part 37 - Blowing Off Steam

You showered longer than usual for a good while, trying to catch your breath and get the tension out of your muscles. You felt awful, not only tired, but exhausted. You hurt all over, mostly because of Wolffe, but you knew it wasn't his fault. You weren't mad at him, not at all, but the pain was there and somehow the shock of the whole situation was still deep in your bones.

You had to keep reminding yourself that you had all escaped together. Everyone except Kix and at that thought tears began to flow again. You had to breathe deeply several times, wash your face again after the shower and cool it down to fight the redness, then you started to get dressed.

However, you suddenly heard commotion outside the refresher. That sounded like a real fight. Suspecting the worst, you burst out of the refresher in your underwear and saw that Wolffe and Crosshair had gotten into each other. They hit each other, repeatedly ramming into objects or the hull of the ship. The rest got out of the way. Hunter stood to one side, looking serious and tired, keeping an eye on things but not interfering.

You quickly scurried back into the bathroom to put on the rest, at least a pair of pants and a shirt, and came out again.

"That's enough!" you raised your voice.

Of course, the two didn't really listen, they were too busy attacking each other.

"CROSSHAIR!"

Wolffe let go of him, or rather pushed him away and growled: "Your wife called for you"

Crosshair stared at him indecisively for a moment, then finally turned to you. You knew he was hot, still full of adrenaline and angry, but you didn't care about that now.

"What was that about?"

He looked at you and said, "I think you know that"

you sighed

"Cross, it wasn't his fault, that was the chip"

Tech reported from the background: "Which we should remove as soon as possible, by the way, we don't know if it's really inactive. It could also be equipped with a tracker like Crosshair's was"

Crosshair growled: "That's why they found us on Bracca, we have to change course immediately"

Hunter woke up from his paralysis.

"Otherwise we might take them straight to Omega," he stated, startled.

"Correct," Tech said.

"So we need to get rid of the chip first," Wrecker said.

Crosshair snorted, "Or Wolffe"

You nudged him in the side: "Stop it. He came here to help save you and he went through hell with us for that, maybe you should show a little gratitude."

Crosshair stared at you, anger burning behind his eyes, but of course he knew you weren't entirely wrong, yet he couldn't put aside what had happened to you, Chip or not.

Echo murmured, "Get a grip, we're clearly not out of the woods yet."

"We need to interrupt the hyperspace jump and program a new one to lead the trail away from Omega," Hunter said.

Tech nodded, "I'll take care of it."

You looked at Wolffe who looked at least as upset as you. You felt sorry for both men because of all they had been through, but now you had other things to worry about, as Echo said, it was far from over.

You felt Crosshair's hands on your shoulders, then he turned you around to face him and looked at you urgently, but also gently.

"Seeing what happened to you, the way he beat you up, that was just too much. I know how much control the chip has, I experienced it first hand.... but I had to blow off steam. It was probably unfair that Wolffe took the hit."

You caressed his face and said softly, "Don't tell me, tell Wolffe. He's blaming himself for what happened anyway."

Crosshair shrugged his shoulders uncertainly and said, "I don't know if he wants to listen to me right now."

"Maybe you should at least try"

Crosshair nodded with a sigh and walked up to Wolffe, who had just sat down next to Echo on his bunk, holding his ribs. He looked up with a sharp glare and even Echo tensed to possibly intervene.

"Hey Echo, will you give us a moment".

"If you promise me you won't go after him again," Echo grumbled.

"I won't, I promise."

Echo nodded to Wolffe, „It's okay, we can talk later“

You came at Echo's side while Wolffe and Crosshair retreated to the back of the ship.

"Do you know what your future husband is up to?", Echo asked you.

You smiled and said, "I think he wants to do the right thing."

Echo said with a grin, "That would be something new."

Wolffe sighed softly and asked growling, "What now?"

Crosshair said after a moment's hesitation, "It wasn't your fault. I overreacted. Rampart made me watch you beat her up on a monitor and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt like an IED, I wanted to explode and take everything with me, that was a horrible feeling to watch. I didn't really think about whether it was your fault or not, I.... I'm sorry. That must have been awful for you too."

Wolffe looked at him in surprise, but then nodded and said, "Yes, indeed. I promised her I'd help free you and the others, promised to protect her. This feeling I have now... it's indescribably sickening, almost like the time Rex removed my first chip and I realized I was ready to kill the Jedi, that Master Koon had fallen."

Crosshair nodded slowly, "I have heard other clones say similar things. I was not even aware of this extreme effect until recently. My first chip never worked properly, most of the time I didn't know what was my decision and what was the chip's, but just before I ended up in Rampart's hands I had a new chip... the part that was controlled by the chip was ready to kill them, all of them and the rest was desperately but pointlessly fighting back"

Wolffe murmured, "Look, we'll just forget about the fight between the two of us. We both needed to blow off steam, that's all it was, okay?"

Crosshair nodded.

"Sounds good, I can live with that".

@twinkofthedink

@tazmbc1

@kristinainspace

@ladykatakuri @inthemoshpitt

@whore4rex

@anndraco0523

@revan-posting

@dwarfnip

@ben-is-a-hoe

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@ilikemymendarkandfictional

@kaminocasey

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@photowizard17

@moondust-24

@clone-whore-99

@dumfanting

@the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond

@moonstrider9904

@chxpsi

@nunanuggets

@andyoufollowyourheart

@kaliel2310

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@misogirl828

@thebahdbitch

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@ladykatakuri

[devildomimagines]

Could u do another "I'm not (blank) enough" requests but instead of MC saying something negative it'd be the brothers saying they aren't enough at something?

This was an interesting request, thanks Anon! I'm sorry it took me a while to get through it but I really had to dig deep to figure out what these arrogant, all powerful demons could feel insecure about.

Here is my other piece Anon is referencing: "I'm Not _______ Enough."

I changed it up a bit from the original but I hope you like it! Also I got carried away and this got pretty long so the other brothers are under the cut lol.

"Am I _______ Enough?"

Belphegor

“Am I reliable enough?”

You had woken up from your nap to his words, and asked “What?” While wiping the sleep from your eyes.

“Can you depend on me?” He reworded the question but didn’t make eye contact.

“Belphie?” You guided his face to look at yours.

“Actually never mind,” he backed out of the conversation and the bed.

“Wait,” You sat up and pushed out of the bed too, already missing the warmth.

Once in front of him, you stated, “You’re reliable!”

His blush was slight but you caught it before he amended, “I know that I’m not always hanging off you like Mammon or Asmo-“

“That’s ok!” You interrupted, “Sorry,” you quickly apologized when he gave you a look.

“But I know that with your sin, it gets physically uncomfortable to be awake for long periods like how Beel gets after not getting enough food. I know if I ever needed you,” you took his hand, “you’d be there.”

He took a moment to let the scene sink in before squeezing your hand, giggling, and roughing up your hair, “That’s right, bed head,” He teased.

“Yours isn’t any better!” You moved to do the same to him but he dodged.

The two of you continued to play fight but didn’t let go of the other's hand. Belphie seemed lightened by your confirmation and you enjoyed the rare bout of playful activity with the youngest.

Beelzebub

“Am I warm enough?”

“Heck yeah! You’re like a space heater!”

He laughed, “Thanks, MC.” But his smile faded too quickly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I misunderstand?” You went from sitting across from him to sitting next to him at the table, “Do you not want to be a space heater?”

That got him smiling again, “No, that’s not it, I guess I meant warm like friendly?”

“Well then it’s a resounding yes, you’re super friendly Beel!” You gave his back a rub and a pat for punctuation.

“Oh… ok,” he went back to his snack which you assumed he would but his response wasn’t sitting right with you.

“Do you not believe me?” You looked up at him with your best puppy dog pout.

Congrats, your cuteness made the Avatar of Gluttony choke! He coughed and pounded on his chest with a closed fist.

You offered your apology and he waved it off as he took some gulps of his drink.

“No I do believe you MC.” He started covering your hand on the table with his and before your hand was completely enveloped he stopped.

“What is it then?” You prodded.

“Just a teammate commented on how I made chills run down his spine with just my stare.”

“Ah, I think Asmo would know that as a resting b*tch face,” you scratched your chin sagely

He frowned, “I can’t do anything about that, that's just how my face is.”

“Exactly! So don’t stress it, he’s still your teammate and friend, right?”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Beel mulled it over and you could practically see the weight of it rise off his shoulders as he sat up straighter and accepted it.

“There he is,” you thought as he exuded an easy confidence but your thoughts were disrupted when he pulled you into an embrace. He whispered near your ear, “Thanks.”

“Who could think this wasn’t warm?” You thought as you snuggled into his hold.

Asmodeus

“Am I attentive enough?”

“What brought that up?” You questioned looking up from your spot on his bed. It wasn’t like Asmo to show his insecurities.

“Just some gossip going around,” He tried to minimize the claims and continued fussing with his hair.

“Oh, well, you know how gossip gets, you just have to ignore it and it’ll go away,” you repeated the same advice he had given you when you first arrived in the Devildom and there were vicious rumors and tabloid articles written about the exchange program participants.

“But am I?!”

The hurt look on his face paired with the desperation in his question made it plainly obvious this meant more to him than he wanted to let on.

“Of course-”

Asmo cut you off, “MC, you have to be deadly honest right now.”

“You’re attentive Asmo,” You confirmed without a shadow of a doubt.

He chewed his lip and cheek debating the statement.

You got up from the bed and came to stand in front of Asmo. You cupped the cheek he was chewing on and he stopped.

With a small nudge you made him swivel to look back in the mirror, “What were the rumors saying?” Your own curiosity running wild, what could bring Asmo to this?

Surprisingly Asmo looked away from the reflection of you two to answer in a small voice, “That if I didn’t pay attention to you, they’d sweep in and take you for themselves.”

That stunned you for a second, you didn’t think it would involve you. “Well first of all, I don’t even know them, how are they going to even get close to me at this point?” 

Asmo considered this, you were always with him or one of his brothers.

“Second, you’re always paying attention to me, you probably know my facial expressions better than I do,” you laughed and he couldn’t help a small snort of his own.

“Third, even on days when you’re stressed, or excited about a new make-up launch and your energy is elsewhere, you always,” you squeezed his arm for emphasis, “ALWAYS check in on me.”

Asmo bit his lip once more but this time holding back a smile. He clearly couldn’t hold it back when he locked you in a hug and squealed your name.

Satan

“Am I patient enough?”

You knew this was something that he consciously worked on so you quickly confirmed, “Yes,” then turned the page of your book.

He was a little shocked at your quick resolution and not totally satisfied. He closed his book and asked, “There was never a time when you think I couldn’t have been more patient?”

“Well sure, but I think that about myself too.”

That was also surprising to Satan, “How? You’re even more patient than me.”

 “I’m only human,” You shrugged, as you closed your own book, recognizing this was going to be more of a discussion.

“And I’m only demon?” Satan returned sarcastically. He did not appreciate the turn of phrase.

“Sorry, I meant, I’m not perfect, no one is. You can’t hold yourself to an impossible standard because you’ll only be destined to be disappointed when you don’t live up to it.” You paused for the idea to settle with him.

He contemplated the sentiment.

“The way I see it,” you continued, “As long as you’re trying to do better then that’s what matters.”

Satan weighed that thought as well.

“And there is an even bigger secret with patience that not a lot of people know,” you baited.

Satan asked “And what’s that?” Hook, line, and sinker.

“I don’t know if you’re ready,” you taunted and reopened your book. If there was one thing you knew you could entice Satan with, it was some kind of hidden knowledge.

He moved across the room and closed your book in your hand for you.

You looked up at him looming over you with a sweet smile.

He smiled back at you, knowing you were playing with him. “And what’s that?” He repeated but you knew it was more of a command this time.

“Fine, I’ll share the secret with you so listen well.”

He started to nod before you caught his face in your hands. His eyebrows shot up to wordlessly question your action but didn’t break the silence, his proof he was listening.

“People don’t always realize that the most important part of patience is…” you paused and savored the interest in Satan’s eyes, “that you have to afford yourself the same patience you give to others.”

His brows furrowed trying to unravel the words in his mind. 

While he did so, you pulled his head down slightly so you could give him a quick kiss on the forehead. Then pat his cheek and released him. 

He took a step back, almost in a daze, you certainly gave him something to think about.

Leviathan

“Am I supportive enough?”

You looked up from the manga you were reading and Levi was staring down at the manga in his hand. His hands were holding the sides tightly as he waited for your response.

“How so?” You prompted.

“L-like this,” Levi pushed the manga towards you. You scanned the panels, the scene being depicted looked like it was one where the love interest was cheering on the main character while they were participating in a sports festival.

“Well you’re not like this,” you had to be honest and you could see he was already starting to sulk, “but you’re supportive in your own way.”

He tsked and took the manga back.

“Levi, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” you apologized.

“It’s fine,” Levi turned the page, “I know I’m a gross otaku shut in.”

“No, stop.” You closed the manga, you dug this hole so it was time to climb out.

He listened and looked over at you, annoyed.

“You’re supportive Levi. There are different ways to be supportive!”

He rolled his eyes, not believing you.

Alright this guy wants to play hardball, you could play with the best of them. “You always make sure that I’ve eaten and slept, even if you haven’t. For as long as we’ve had a pact, you’ve always come to my defense even though I know you hate confrontation. When I find a new show, game or book that I’m interested in, you always take the time to learn about it yourself so I can talk to someone about it.”

By the end, Levi’s face was red, his ears were red, you could swear his hands were even shaking a little bit.

“So sure, you’re not yelling your support from the roof of the House of Lamentation like that character,” you took one of his hands and his eyes darted between your face and your interlaced hands, “but I appreciate your quiet kind of support.”

Leviathan.exe has stopped working. It took a solid 5 minutes to regain his voice.

“M-M-MC!” he whined, “That’s so embarrassing!” He slumped down to hide his face but didn’t dare remove his hand from yours.

“Was it super effective?” You laughed at your joke.

He groaned from his drooped state but he squeezed your hand and you knew that it was.

Mammon

“Am I humble enough?”

At first, you have to bite your tongue to keep from outright laughing. 

Surely the demon who regards himself as “The Great Mammon” would see the irony in asking this.

But he was quiet and reflective, a stark contrast to his usual self.

You sat down next to him on the sofa in the living room, with a pat on his back you opted to offer what you thought he wanted to hear, “Sure you are buddy.”

“Are ya messing with me?” of all times for Mammon to be observant.

You were as bad a liar as he was so when you looked away and scratched your cheek instead of answering Mammon knew you were lying.

He sighed and his shoulders dropped as he caught his head in his hands.

“Well you don’t have to be humble!” You defended, feeling bad for your white lie earlier.

He peeked up at you and you took the opportunity to stand up in front of him, “You’re like the third strongest demon in all of Devildom! You should be proud of that!”

He rolled his eyes but you could see a shadow of a smile play on his lips.

“Not only are you strong but you’re very caring, not only to your brothers but to me too,” you suggested and on queue Mammon flushed.

“I’m not,” he tried to deny.

“Oh that’s not true. Remember when Belphie ruined that painting and you took the fall for it?”

His eyes opened wide in shock, “How did you-”

“Or that time when I was sick and you took such good care of me?” You added in a sing-song tone.

“Shuddup!” Mammon was now standing and placed a hand over your mouth as he looked around for his brothers. He looked back at you, “I got a reputation to uphold, y’know.”

After a muffled laugh, you pulled his hand away, “What I’m saying is you don’t have to be modest.”

“Yeah I guess when you put it that way,” He rubbed the back of his head considering.

“So what’s on the agenda for the day for The Great Mammon?”

He squinted his eyes at your teasing tone but smirked and grabbed your hand to drag you along. You went willingly with a snicker.

Lucifer

“Am I compassionate enough?”

He didn’t look up from the paperwork he was reviewing when he posed the question to you.

At first you tilted your head and wondered if he was even addressing you.

When he did finally look up, you knew he was waiting for your answer.

“Yeah, I think so?” You didn’t mean to phrase it as a question but were more concerned with how this even came up.

“You think so?” Lucifer repeated incredulously.

“Yes,” you reinforced, “where’s this coming from?” You were taking a risk in questioning Lucifer, there was probably a 50/50 chance he would actually answer. 

It was rare that he would even voice a question about his character.

He frowned and went back to his paperwork. You figured that was the end of the conversation, this being the 50% of the time that he would not answer. You went back to perusing his record collection to find something to play.

“Simeon mentioned how ruthless I’ve become.”

You looked back over at Lucifer. He looked more tired than he did just a moment ago. Simeon’s comment must have been wearing on him.

You picked a record you knew he liked and put it on before walking over to his desk.

He sighed, put down his pen and rubbed his eyes.

You leaned against the desk with your arms crossed and he faced you, the weariness even more apparent up close.

“Can I be honest with you?” you asked.

He grimaced, already thinking the worst but nodded.

“I think your ruthlessness comes from a compassionate place.”

From his one raised eyebrow, you could tell that wasn’t what he was expecting and he was waiting for your explanation.

“For example,” you began, “you care about your brothers, so when you punish them, it’s for their own good or to save them from a worse fate. You might not admit this one, but you’ve become sympathetic to Diavolo’s moods and disposition and so acting in accordance with how it will reflect on him and enforcing those standards has become second nature, hasn’t it?” He looked away.

You knew he wouldn’t answer that so you looked away yourself and continued, “You may have at first picked me as a candidate for the exchange program because of my connection to Lilith and housed me at the request of Diavolo,” you laughed at what you were about to say for the first time out loud, “but since getting to know me, I like to think that you’ve had a change of heart and genuinely care about my well-being despite those factors.”

There was a moment of silence and you felt your face heat up, nervous that maybe you overestimated your importance.

Before you could look back at him, he had stood up and enclosed you in a hug. You smiled, uncrossed your arms and hugged him back. 

He was humming along with the song so you made one more bold choice and started swaying in time with the rhythm. He chuckled, shifted to hold one of your hands, and properly led you in a dance around the room. 

You hoped his light footsteps were a reflection of how light his heart was feeling.

All signs of the weariness from moments ago were completely gone.

[bedlamsbard]

THIS IS NOT THE FINAL VERSION OF MY SUPER SOLDIER SERUM FLOWCHART

this is v.4.0 and I very obviously did not get the spacing right and I think I’m going to move a couple things around, but this mostly what is accurate for The Horizon Line (including stuff from FATWS even though that’s well after Horizon).  I’ll actually do a completely separate one for Horizon later on since there are some Reveals coming.  V.5.0 will hopefully make a few things clearer in that squashed up section that starts covering characters and events from the ‘90s to the present day.

This is a lot of extrapolation that is almost all explained in Horizon 5, but it does have the two tracks of American experiments on it (the Army ones that eventually resulted in the Hulk and the Abomination and the CIA ones that were responsible for Isaiah Bradley and ultimately the Flag-Smashers over in FATWS), and I did specifically separate those out; neither one is more ethical than the other.  (If you ever want to be really depressed, go on a Wiki deep dive through the unethical human experimentation in the United States page and everything that spins off that.)  The CIA did and probably still does work directly with the U.S. Army, including parts of MKUltra, so that’s why I put Isaiah Bradley and co. there, especially since FATWS confirms that the CIA is the one who had samples of his blood that were ultimately used to make the Nagel Flag-Smasher serum.  (And like I said in Horizon, going by the dates of his recruitment, that really does seem like it was specifically a reaction to Steve going rogue in Civil War.)  That means that the experiments that ultimately resulted in the Hulk and the Abomination, which were U.S. Army alone (or in conjunction with Stark Industries; Horizon has this under Obadiah Stane rather than Howard Stark for various reasons that allow me to set up the Stark murder) and were never in partnership with the CIA after the 1940s.  I do have the failed HYDRA Winter Soldier team, from the stolen serum, as a direct predecessor to the Banner and Blonsky serums that were developed fourteen years later.  Alexei’s serum is obviously the big mystery, thus the dotted lines, but for my purposes it works better if it’s not independently developed; it is probably a combination of trial-and-error variations from stolen samples of Bucky’s blood and Steve’s.  (I have him with the Red Room because Department X does not seem to exist in the MCU, and there is a very mysterious blue vial in the Black Widow opening credits and in the MCU blue vials only mean one thing: super soldier serum.)

anyway, this is a work in progress; it’s not the final version, but it does have the relevant bits for Horizon.  earlier versions of this chart didn’t have the separate Army/CIA tracks and included tracks derived from pre-Steve Erskine serums, but again for my purposes it works better to not have surviving versions of the serum, which CATFA also implies.  (Horizon says he destroyed preceding versions and all of his notes; CATFA doesn’t directly say this, but it’s implied when Peggy says that any hope of reproducing the program is locked in Steve’s genetic code.)  all of the U.S. versions come from Steve because I love Steve and I want him to feel very bad.

this isn’t the big post promised that will go along with Horizon because, again, not the final version of the chart, not the big meta post explaining every single decision, but I thought people might find it interesting. also, yes, this is my actual handwriting.

(I am hoping this doesn’t make the rounds of the fandom, but if it does make it out of my orbit: this is for my fanfic; it is not what I for sure think happened in MCU canon.)

[rebrandedstoryline]

Rebranded - 12.2 - Learning Process Cont

A continuation of the previous part, in which Ayala and Sun are learning :3

Word Count: 1,623

“So you... You liked the food? How I made it, I mean...” Sun awkwardly inquired, sort of fidgeting in place as he stared at the woman. He was still struggling to fully understand her behavior. Really he was just feeling insecure and had gotten to the point where he needed to know for certain whether or not he had been doing something wrong.

“Well, yeah. It was cute. I like cute things.” Ayala responded, shifting ever so slightly to rest her head upon her hand. The one that she had split open on the bedpost the morning that they met. Thankfully the injury had effectively healed by now, with only a faint red mark lingering.

Her response left Sun in a state of deep thought for a moment. He needed to process everything that he had been told thus far.

Overall, he concluded that everything had been a misunderstanding. That he had jumped to the worst conclusion due to his own insecurities. Which overall embarrassed him. He had gone and made himself upset when he could have just asked Ayala directly and she would’ve given him an answer.

Ultimately, what mattered now was that he knew she never hated his cooking. She was just a slow eater who didn’t quite know what to do with foods designed to appeal to children.

“Can I ask where all this is coming from?” The woman abruptly inquired, catching the daytime attendant off guard. That was a question that he hadn’t anticipated being asked. She could have chalked it up to him wanting to make sure that he was a suitable caregiver and left it at that. Most adults reacted with that level of indifference where the animatronics were concerned. At least based on prior experiences.

“O-oh... Uh... W-well-“ Sun began to stammer out, not quite sure how to respond to the unexpected inquiry. He was also afraid of giving her an honest answer, as he expected that he would either get lectured for reading her private messages, or made fun of for being foolish.

To top it all off, he really didn’t want to lie. He hated fibbers.

Ergo he eventually caved. He would take whatever punishment he might be due, because he would rather give her an honest answer.

“W-well, after you first laughed at my cooking, I realized I wasn’t properly equipped to prepare meals for adults.” Sun began to speak, intent on giving the woman a proper explanation.

“I-I only meant to connect to the internet! But I... I-I wound up seeing the conversation you had with your coworkers about my cooking... I’m really sorry! It was an accident! But I... I noticed you always ate Logan’s cooking so much faster than mine. A-and you kept laughing at me when I made you food. I just... I thought I was doing something wrong…” He added, awkwardly rocking his face from side to side as he spoke. He tentatively squirmed in place, just overall feeling uneasy.

“Then you said you were a slow eater, and well, I... I got confused. So I just - I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t misunderstanding everything.” He timidly explained, going out of his way to avoid making eye contact with the woman. All the while he was mentally bracing himself.

He anticipated that he was going to be yelled at for breaking rules. He had invaded her privacy by reading her messages. He wasn’t supposed to be connecting to the internet without permission. Though, that was less a rule that she had given him and more one that had been programmed into him at Fazbear.

The woman, meanwhile, took an uncomfortably long amount of time to try and process what she had just been told.

“They aren’t my coworkers.” Ayala suddenly stated, having fixated on that bit of information for some reason. The part about Sun accidentally reading her personal messages? Him being worried? For some reason she seemed to completely overlook that information. No, her first train of thought was to correct that aspect of the misunderstanding.

“They’re employees at the publishing company I work through. Colleagues, really.” She added, abruptly turning around in her chair so that she could start typing on her laptop. The animatronic only became more confused as a result of her behavior. Namely because he assumed he was going to get in trouble. Instead, she was being surprisingly calm and nonchalant about the whole scenario.

“As for everything else, you should’ve brought it up sooner. Would’ve saved yourself a lot of stress.” She further added, more or less telling Sun something that he had already managed to figure out. He knew that he should have tried talking about it from the start. The problem was that he had been afraid of getting into trouble.

“So... You’re not mad?” Sun quietly inquired, hesitantly stepping into the Livingroom, only to freeze just past the threshold. He was still a bit nervous.

“No. You said it was an accident, and I believe you. You obviously feel guilty about it. I bet you’ve been beating yourself up over it. So if you’re expecting a punishment, I’d say we’re even.” Ayala replied, making it clear that she was not angry at Sun for his unintentional spying and that she didn’t feel like a punishment was in order. She felt that he had already punished himself plenty.

Her response both relieved and confused Sun. Had he somehow managed to pull off such a stunt back at Fazbear, he would have gotten in very serious trouble. He likely would have been sent to parts and services for a while, for no reason other than to take advantage of his paranoia. It was the animatronic equivalent of being afraid of going to the doctor or the dentist.

Then again, it should have been obvious by now that Ayala was not the same as the people who ran Fazbear.

“O-oh~... That’s a relief.” Sun responded, his voice coming out as something that sounded like a relieved sigh. He was genuinely glad that he was not being reprimanded for his mistakes. Ayala’s nonchalant reaction to what had happened actually did help. She treated it like a simple mistake, not like a major violation.

The woman offered an idle hum in response, having now started to type something on her keyboard.

“If we’re all sorted, I’m gonna get to work.” Ayala stated, seemingly attempting to bring the conversation to a close. However, Sun found himself unwilling to allow the opportunity to exchange additional, important information to pass.

“Oh! Uhm. Before that, I do have one more question. L-last one! I promise.” Sun replied, letting the woman know that he still had something important to ask. The woman seemed to let out a bit of an amused laugh as she turned slightly to look at him.

“Would it be alright if Moony and I tried the food?” He inquired, rather casually at that. He didn’t expect her to offer much of a surprised reaction, given how nonchalant she had been so far. He had just told her that he could connect to her phone on a whim, and she didn’t seem to care. He thought that maybe she wouldn’t react much, if at all, to him revealing that he could eat.

Her immediate, dumbfounded expression established otherwise.

“I... Wh-okay, no. You need to explain yourself on that one.” Ayala seemed to stammer a bit, clearly struggling to verbally react to the question she had just been asked.

The animatronic offered a sort of hesitant shrug, along with an equally hesitant smile.

“W-well, Moony and I have some... Special upgrades. We don’t quite understand the whole process ourselves, but we’re equipped with specialized fuel converters. So we can consume matter in order to convert it into energy. The best fuel sources are biodegradable, but we can also consume plastics and certain types of glass~! Just, no rocks and absolutely no metal. We can spit out rocks, but if we get metal into our fuel converters it gets a bit... Explosive.” Sun explained, attempting to give the woman a rundown of how his mechanical body worked in a way that she could actually understand.

This both did and did not work, as was noted by the expressions that she made while attempting to process this information. She could clearly understand certain aspects of what she had just been told. Just not all of it.

“Alright, so, wait. How have you been keeping charged this whole time if you need food?” Ayala inquired, still obviously confused.

“Oh, we don’t need food. We’re still able to plug ourselves into an outlet to recharge that way... But uh... Well, your house isn’t quite equipped in that regard. Every time I stick my finger into the outlet, there’s a tiny risk that the power will go out. I only charge for a few minutes at a time, and well... I’m running on very low power, right now.” Sun explained, more or less stating that he and his twin could be charged through more conventional means, but Ayala’s home was not quite equipped to handle their ideal charging methods. They had been designed to charge quickly with access to greater amounts of power. So only large buildings with lots of power would be fully capable of helping them reach a proper charge.

“Moony hasn’t been plugging himself in at all. He’s been eating all the trash produced while cooking. So I can’t say how well he’s doing in terms of power reserves.” He added, revealing how his brother had gone about maintaining a charge.

Her expression changed rather dramatically in response to this. She was still obviously confused, but she also seemed to be legitimately bothered by this information.

[queenshelby]

The Last Semester – Part Two

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 1,331

Warning: Flirting, Fluff

***

After having traded spots with Emma, over the next two weeks, you worked on your new drama project with the other group. But this didn’t mean that you didn’t see Cillian. To the contrary. You saw him more often than you were comfortable with and your attraction towards him intensified every time you interacted with him.

Every morning, Cillian would get his coffee at the local coffee shop where you worked as many as four days per week. In addition, just like you, he would spend a lot of time at the nearby second-hand bookshop looking for random and interesting novels.

The small bookstore had a reading area upstairs which no one really knew about and, on a rainy Tuesday evening, you sat there for three hours, researching for one of your other literature units.

That day, Cillian had the same idea as you, evidentially bored on his own since temporarily moving to London for the drama project.

‘Interesting choice’ Cillian said as he saw you sitting in the reading area with a stack of books by Charles Dickens.

‘Oh yes, Dickens. He is making some good points which I can use for my literature project’ you explained.

‘And some random ones too’ Cillian chuckled, causing you to raise your eyebrows as if you were asking a question.

‘For example, he states that there is no greater gift than the love of a cat. I would question this statement’ Cillian laughed.

‘I am fairly sure it was a contextual question’ you chuckled.

‘Nah…I think he just likes cats’ Cillian then went on to say before sitting down next to you and asking you whether you wanted some help with your research.

You nodded in agreement and probably spent the next hour or so with Cillian in the small book store looking through Dicken’s many novels.

***

Then, the following day, when you came walking out of your bedroom, you couldn’t believe your eyes when Cillian stood in the kitchen with Emma.

That was two days in a row that you saw each other by chance. Clearly, he didn’t live far from campus either.

‘Oh…uhm…hi’ you said when you realised that he saw you, although deep down inside, you hoped that he didn’t as you were wearing nothing but an old grey t-shirt, cotton panties and a pair of bed socks. Your hair was messy and tied up in a bun and you wore your black framed reading glasses.

‘Hi Y/N’ Cillian said with a warm smile, unable to take his eyes of you, causing your cheeks to flush.

‘Cillian was nice enough to help me carry these upstairs as I ran into him on the street and one of the shopping bags broke’ Emma explained and Cillian was quick to advise her that he needed to leave as he had a call scheduled for 3pm.

‘See you’ you quickly said just as you stumbled back into your room and Cillian nodded, having a slight chuckle as you appeared rather clumsy.

‘Did you instigate this?’ Thomas then laughed and you couldn’t help but poke your head back out of your room, waiting for Emma’s response.

‘Maybe’ Emma then went on to giggle and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at her. She clearly had a crush on Cillian and you certainly couldn’t have told her about why you wanted to change to the other group.

The truth was that you liked Cillian a lot and every day you saw him, you could feel butterflies in your stomach. But it wasn’t like a silly crush. Instead, it was an attraction not only on a physical but also intellectual level. He was funny, smart and you loved talking to him. There was something that distinguished him from guys your age and from other men you’ve met and this is what attracted you.

Every time he came into the coffee shop at which you worked and ordered his latte, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement, something you had never really felt around a man before. But then again, you knew this was pointless and inappropriate and you quickly realised that you shouldn’t waste your time and energy in pursuing anything with man who you barely knew and who was 20 years older than you. You knew you needed to steer clear from him, avoid him wherever you could.

***

Unfortunately for you, it was the Monday on the fourth week of the drama project that Aiden had called in sick for the week after having contracted food poisoning and it was Cillian who took over his project until Aiden’s return.

Instantly, when Cillian walked into the theatre room, your butterflies returned. But, at the same time, you were incredibly nervous. You really didn’t want to work with him again. It was the whole reason you changed groups, so you didn’t have to be around Cillian.

Luckily for you, in this group, you only played a minor part in the play and Cillian was focused on the other students who needed more help than you with the script.

However, following the three-hour program for the day, Cillian asked whether you could see him after class. There was something he wanted to give you for your research program.

You nodded shyly and, after everyone had left, followed him to the office he was assigned temporarily by the university.

‘This is for you’ Cillian grinned as he handed you a print out entitled ‘Dicken’s fascination with Cats’ and you couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Geez, are you still on about that?’ you asked as you realised that Cillian didn’t like to be wrong.

‘What can I say Y/N? It kept me up. I had to research it further’ Cillian laughed before handing you a second print out.

‘Oh common’ you laughed as he handed you a thirteen-page research paper on Dicken’s different cats.

‘Perhaps it is you who likes cats’ you then went on to say and Cillian confirmed that he does, in fact, have a ginger cat named Garfield back in Dublin.

‘Garfield? Now that is a creative name for a ginger cat’ you giggled just as Cillian pulled out his phone and showed you a picture.

‘Cute’ you giggled as you looked at the picture while leaning in closer, your arm brushing against Cillian’s arm gently.

Just as your skin lightly touched his, you could feel goose bumps raise all over your body and it was almost as if Cillian had noticed.

He cleared his throat and you startled, collecting your thoughts before telling him that you should probably get back home.

Cillian nodded but, just as you were about to walk out of the door of his office, he called after you.

‘Y/N?’ he asked and you turned around and looked at him while a short ‘yes’ escaped you.

‘Nothing, sorry’ he then went on to say, realising that, what he was about to ask you was highly inappropriate.

‘Alright, uhm, see you later’ you said just as your cheeks turned red instantly.

***

Later that evening, when you arrived at home, Emma had told you that she had a surprise planned for you.

‘I’ve organised a date for you. Tomorrow night. His name is Patrick, he is Irish and a little older than you. He works at the university hospital and he is taking you to see the game tomorrow, Ireland vs France’ Emma said with some excitement.

‘Emma, I am not going on a date with someone I don’t know’ you fussed but Emma was insistent.

‘You haven’t been with anyone for two years Y/N. Common. Despite we are having a party at the apartment and I know you hate frat parties. Just give him a chance’ Emma said and you immediately rolled your eyes.

‘Fine’ you huffed. ‘But I will meet him at the sports bar at 7 o’clock. He isn’t coming here’ you demanded and Emma nodded excitedly.

 Tag List (Cillian):

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