#also posting this to hold myself somewhat accountable

[snowangeldotmp3]

[stumbles out of google docs covered in blood] you guys won't believe what i've been working on.

[euphorickaeya]

THE ALMIGHTY.

buwan’s notes : I’m alive but I’m dead LOL, i don’t think I’ll be posting much on this account, maybe some for a few months here and there but other than that, I’m barely active. I apologize to those who keep asking for updates but I no longer consider myself in the genshin fandom.

I would also want to apologize for this fic, this fic is somewhat cruel, and I don’t want to offend anyone, please do speak to me if it seems I’ve gone too far, but this is merely a more story-based fic than being a fic about the characters being shipped with the god!reader. I wanted to explore the idea of being denied your saving grace when your god is right there, and they know it. It sort of a revenge fic?? Errr idk how to explain HAHA ok enjoy 😭

summary : you refuse to be treated the way you were, when you descended on your lands.

CW : obsession, sagau in general, borderline abuse as a creator, revenge and angst (?).

[no ships, more reader-centric.]

[gender-neutral!creator!reader.]

song recommendation: babooshka - Kate Bush.

part 2

EDIT: I COMPLETELY FORGOT THE TAGLIST..

EDIT #2: SIKE I WROTE IT DOWN LOLS @emperatris-rinaka | @iyhmibyo | @nicebonescomrades

A cold wind blew over the lands of Liyue, the creator has blessed the ancient lands with their presence, being bombarded with the lavish gifts of forgiveness of the people of Liyue by your feet, as you sat at a public throne.

Your eyes held nothing but resentment and no remorse for those who ask for your blessings, even if they bring a sickly child by your feet, begging and crying for a single blessing for you to heal this sickly child placed on your feet.

You merely spare the family a glance, before staring at your acolyte, Zhongli stared at you with concern, unsure of the thoughts racing through your head.

You made your decision when you had shooed the family, a shocked look on their faces as the hold on their poor kid faltered, almost dropping the frail boy. You could merely scoff as the mother handed the kid to her husband as she ran to your feet, wailing.

“Your grace, please punish me for any wrong-doing my family has done, but please! Heal my boy! He’s done nothing wrong, he’s nothing but a boy!” The mother wailed into your robes.

You felt your face morph into disgust, your eyes swelling in anger, tears starting to form from annoyance and anger. “Don’t pity yourself under my feet, lady.” You spat, pushing the mother with your feet.

The crowds that came to revel in their creator’s stared in disbelief and silent horror as the lady sobbed loudly on your podium, and their god, you, doing nothing to comfort or even give a slice of remorse to the pitiful lady by your feet.

After a few minutes of your unrelenting emotionless gaze on her and her unstopping sobs as her husband held their boy from afar helplessly, the lady raised her head to look at you.

An anger in her eyes, betrayal, anguish met your cold, frozen eyes.

“You’re no god, you’re not our creator, you’re just a mere copy..” the lady whispered spitefully, looking at you with nothing but hatred for your embodiment.

For once, in a long time, you laughed, a smile on your face, not of happiness, but of mockery, a scoffing, bashful smile.

“I’m no god? I’m a mere, copy?” You scoffed at the lady, your eyebrows raised in a mocking way, you stood from your throne, even after being able to sit on the golden seat, it still felt like it stung you, like silver does to a vampire.

It burned and stung, but it did nothing but fuel you even more. “Is this what has come of my empire? Of my beloved world?” You asked, walking slowly up to the lady who gravelled and clutched the hot concrete under her palms.

“If I had known my own children would dictate who I am, I would’ve destroyed this world to bits.” You threw that sentence out recklessly, seeing your acolytes stiffen quickly from your peripheral vision. You couldn’t help but grin at their uncomfortable faces.

“You, a mere lady, who lives on nothing but scraps, gets to tell me, a creator, a celestial being, who I am?” You snarled, your spear appearing to intimidate those who dare to anger you so.

“You’ve got some nerve, you all do!” You pointed to the crowds, who flinched and screamed in fear as you pointed with your spear, the metal shining against the sun.

Your acolytes could only wish that the sun could’ve given you it’s golden rays in a better situation, seeing as you flowed with unrelenting bravery and anger.

“I had to harm myself, to cut my flesh and show my blood, so that I wouldn’t die in this mortal form!” You screamed into the crowd, no longer holding the annoyance and disgust you held for this world.

“If I were a mere mortal with my face, you would’ve called them an imposter, burn them at the stake, like you’ve done with me!” Zhongli could only watch helplessly as your struck fear into his people, unable to stop you, for his loyalty refuses to let him move.

“You’re no people of mine, this world is obsessed with the idea of me, not my being as your creator!” The lady no longer glared at your with angry, but with disdain and anxiousness.

“I refuse to be dictated and be a holy grail for this shitty fucking world. Your people don’t deserve to be blessed with my presence nor my help.” Zhongli’s eyes could only widen, glancing at Ningguang, who was hyperventilating, watching you as you threw your spear away, it dissipating into particles.

“so suffer, suffer as I have, hope that there’s another god who’ll give you the forgiveness I will never give you.” You scoffed, you looked at the father who held his son with a life-threading grip.

Looking at you, his eyes holding a flickering flame of hope, that under all your anger, you would find the kindness to give them the mercy they’re desperately grasping at.

But you merely turned away from him, watching from your peripheral vision as the flame in his eyes extinguished, before his eyes filled, refusing to look away from your retreating figure.

“Zhongli, I want to end my appearance here and now.” You refused to look at the archon that stood by your throne as you walked past. Soon after a while, you had walked into the Liyue palace doors, finally out of public eye.

That is when Zhongli finally moves. Although being the most powerful archon, his knees buckled like that of a weak mortal, the pain and fear of his people weighing down his back.

But how can he save them? not when he knows he’s one of the many people who’s fueled this despicable behaviour in their god.

Their god who was so reverent and kind, only corrupted by it’s own creation.

[wingzie]

The Definition of Jikook: Through Others Eyes

“Becca, how would you define Jikook?” In the last few months I have been asked this several times. And not by Jikookers. Since my bad experiences with offline events, I decided (in typical “me” fashion) to just throw myself out there and keep moving forward. This included joining more Twitter GC’s or Discord Servers and going to more offline events. In one of the most recent events, I lived locally and wanted to help. Therefore, I offered to escort some anxious Army from the train station to the venue.

Anyway, I was still cautious about going and, though there were a few odd moments, the event went really well overall. Something else kindled during this event that I did not expect: The desire to talk more about jikook. Before, even mentioning Jikook as a unit and not as Jimin and Jungkook was almost seen as a taboo. Especially compared to the other units that we are familiar with. Due to me no longer giving a damn and using my main twitter account, people relating to the event knew who I was and they had questions. Very interesting questions. About Jikook. About their enlistment. About the travel show. This was a pleasant surprise and it shocked me that some of these people already knew quite a lot without me telling them anything. Including some information that I thought was only in the Jikook circles. I asked one person why they didn’t talk about Jikook as much on Twitter and they said because they were scared with all the shipper fights. Which is quite valid really. If all you see whenever Jikook is mentioned is constant fighting, then you would distance yourself. It made me realise something though: 

Even if someone isn’t talking about Jikook. They are still watching and are very much aware of what is going on.

Sometimes we amplify the wrong things and we give the loudest voices to the negative comments. When I do the Live Reactions series, I will sometimes have hundreds of positive screenshots to go through and then(somehow) pick twenty-five of them for the thread. It was really interesting to see so many people talking about Jungkook going Live whenever Jimin went overseas or about the travel show. It also reminded some of moments that were sadly forgotten about.

This touches on something else too. Our traditions as a fandom have somewhat changed. With the removal of the social media awards, we no longer boost BTS’ history like we used to. Elon has also changed how we find content, with the removal of “moments” and advanced searching now being really difficult to find things. There is still hope though. With Jin’s return, it was lovely to see so many asking about Jin as a person or how Festa would work. Sharing old memories and watching Bang Bang Con together added so much value to our experiences together as a fandom.It’s something we should treasure. 

BTS have shared so much with us and it’s why I’ll forever be thankful for archive accounts. With every post or comment shared with others, we encourage them to learn more about the members or to watch content they may not have seen before. I experienced this myself when I mentioned Bon Voyage to someone who didn’t know what it was. They had only watched “In the Soop” and were excited by the concept of the members going abroad together. I hope they enjoy it!

Going back to Jikook, I have seen an increase of positive engagement surrounding them. This includes in both online and offline spaces. It makes me excited for when the travel show comes out and the conversations it will create, with so many already floating around. When I am asked how I define them myself, I try to turn it around. It doesn’t matter what I think about Jikook or how I define them. That should be obvious by my account. What matters is how others do and the respect that it holds.

[sophie-frm-mars]

Hi, ex-supporter here. Genuinely hope you’re doing well. I have been tempted to start up my support again because you genuinely are a talented writer/creator and I do enjoy your work.

I hope you understand supporting your Patreon is somewhat fraught. Your private life should be none of our business, but sadly it is relevant here. Moral action, both private and political is central to your work; you have called out plenty of people for abuse & morality drives your politics. We know abuse took place on your end, but that’s all.

A lot of people like myself might be emotionally rooting for you to bounce back from this, but are unable to support you right now because that moral dissonance has not been resolved. We really don’t know if you are like other ‘cancelled’ leftist influencers and just use leftist values to deflect attention away from abuse, or you are actually trying to do better and working on yourself.

You don’t owe us anything. However, many of us who are eager to support you are forced to hold back because trust has been damaged, and there has not been any real sign of reparation or reconciliation. Maybe you think those kind of questions are invasive, maybe you don’t think we are real fans for not sticking by you despite the allegations.

I don’t know, I just want you to know that there are plenty of people who do want to support you, but feel they need to trust you first. And that can’t happen without addressing some things.

Anyways, best wishes. Take care.

Hiya, thank you for speaking to me on this.

Before I say the rest of what I say I want to be clear that between me and the people I was involved with in 2023, there were some instances where I was responsible for harm, there were instances where I received harm and there was also a general pervasive ecosystem of harmful behaviours in the community I was in. This includes people who signed the statement against me, and in one instance one of them did something which everyone to whom I have described it has agreed is sexual assault, though there is more besides.

For the time being I'm not talking publicly more about what happened because it was a very messy situation, and although I have been seriously harmed by issues in my personal life being litigated in public in this way, I don't want to give my full account of my relationships with everyone involved because I don't want that type of harm to be done to other trans women. There are plenty of complicating factors as there often are in real life that social media isn't really capable of parsing. I have made it clear repeatedly that I am open to hearing anything that people involved want to say to me, and I talked in this post in January about that and about what I would be doing to ensure that I put in the work and make sure I don't cause harm like it again

https://x.com/sophie_frm_mars/status/1745414530455261531

I think that that post says everything I would like to say for now, although I regret saying I agree that my behaviour was abusive, because with more distance and perspective I don't think abusive behaviour was actually described to me.

As I understand it via the support that my therapist and friends have offered, my problems in 2023 were that: I wasn't taking my mental health seriously, I didn't learn good kink practice, I had very little appreciation of my own boundaries and when I shouldn't be doing something that someone asks me to do, and I was high basically all the time. I am in therapy and doing DBT and taking my mental health deadly seriously, I have done a huge amount of reading assigned by my therapist about kink, sex, relationships and mental health, I am working in an ongoing way on learning how to effectively communicate, know my boundaries and understand myself well enough to not be in the kinds of situations that risk harm, and I'm no longer high all the time.

(If anyone is interested in those book recs, so far I've read: Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again by Katherine Angel; The Right To Sex by Amia Srinivasan; Screw Consent (I hate this edgy title) by Joseph Fischel; Playing Well With Others; The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren; I Hope We Choose Love by Kai Cheng Thom; The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy; and Dissociation Made Simple by Jamie Marich. There have been some others, and I've written a bit about them in the book club channel on my discord as I've been reading)

I haven't heard from the people involved. The last I heard from anyone was one of my exes calling me a pathological liar and saying that they just want to move on with their lives, so while I'm doing the work to make sure I act better in future I am just trying to get on with my life and let them get on with theirs. I hope this clarifies why I have not talked further about the situation.

I will say that the last few months have been hellish for me. I have been frequently suicidal, I spent Christmas and new years alone, I lost a tooth because I couldn't afford proper dental treatment, people from within the community I've been ostracised from have been putting pressure on my remaining friends to cut ties with me, Keffals had my abuser on her twitch stream, a bizarre exaggerated and monsterised version of my personal life has been publicly gossiped about by trans people, fash and "leftist" drama streamers alike, I have been doing other work to make sure I can still pay rent and afford my bills and my HRT, and to survive. As I've been getting more stable and more able to focus on things besides this, I've been working on new writing because all I want with regard to my work and my channel is for my writing to help people. I don't want to talk about my private life, but I do understand that some number of people will feel after what has been said about me that they can't move forward with me without hearing the full details. Lots of people in my life have repeatedly encouraged me to publish a full account of everything that happened but I know how the Internet works and I don't want other trans women to be harmed in the ways that I have been harmed.

[moongothic]

So a few weeks ago I ran into this, old, old Crocodile meta post from 2015, the OP of which hasn't been active on Tumbr (at least on that account) since 2018. And this post (along with some of the OP's other posts) has been living in my head rent free since then.

There was just something there about seeing these old meta posts, completely detached from the current state of the story, the fandom and the Crocodad Propaganda... It just made for a truly refreshing read, but they also had such great observations about Crocodile I hadn't even thought about or noticed*, and somewhat most importantly... validating my own feelings/observations about things I've been kind of afraid to vocalize myself lest I apper completely delulu. Like I dunno I do worry sometimes if I'm just reading into things too much just to make massive reaches to get The Reading of the character that happens to support the Crocodad theory specifically, instead of trying to get a more objective reading instead. So seeing someone else make either those exact same or similar observations nearly 10 years before I did is so validating, and really just made me want to discuss some of those things.

*(Like this whole post about how "DON!" is often used to add emphasis and show the true beliefs of characters, and how Crocodile doesn't really say things with a DON!, almost like his heart isn't in most of the things he does or says. I dunno it was such a good read)

Sidenote: I do want to quickly comment that I don't agree with the OP on some of their readings about stuff, and more importantly, due to the age of the both the original posts and the OP not being active anymore, I didn't want to, like... Treat them as if they just posted it recently and interact with the posts as such. (I dunno, when people go digging through my decade old main blog and start reblogging shit I posted in like 2014 it just. I dunno, it's just kind of uncomfortable. Like you're allowed to browse my past but I wished people let my ancient cringe stay in the past. But that's just me) Like for example I feel like OP has a fundamental misunderstanding what being "trans" really even means (thus I don't agree with their take on trans Croc), but again, OP's take is old and so I don't want to hold it against them. They could have grown since then and come to better understand what being trans means, and regardless of that they don't have to buy into the theory either. And I absolutely do not want anyone to start trying to pester them about it or anything (again, they posted these things nearly 10 years ago), regardless of if they're still active or not. But yeah, that's why this is a whole separate post rather than a reblog with commentary.

So OP in their post speculated how in this moment (chap 206), based on the face he makes and the serious look he gives to Luffy, Crocodile seems to find the idea of someone being willing to die for someone else's sake absolutely incomprehensible, as if he's trying to wrap his head around the mere concept. That, or he used to know what it was like to hold someone/something that dear to you, but has long forgotten what it was like

Rereading this arc a while back I couldn't help but to take notice of this panel too and that unusual, somber(?) look on Crocodile's face. But because I'm a Crocodad Truther, of course I couldn't help but to feel that this was a face of recognition, of Crocodile understanding Luffy exactly in this moment, that willingness to do anything for a loved one. Especially because I have been speculating Crocodile might've been doing all of this with the goal of nuking the World Government out of orbit to protect his long lost baby boy (it's just that he simply finds Luffy's insistence on protecting this random ass princess from a random ass country he has zero ties to ridiculous, as opposed to like, doing all of this to protect immidiate, close family)

So again, despite the different reading it is validating as hell to see someone else think this panel in particular was odd. But the more I thought about it, I did kind of start leaning towards OP's reading. Now this one was originally pointed out by opbackgrounds, how in this scene (chapter 196) while Crocodile is meant to be laughing and mocking the royal guard for "throwing their lives away" to protect Cobra, he isn't actually smiling. We don't even get to see his full face with his eyes blacked out, so we don't get to see Crocodile's true feelings in this scene

And that does kind of reframe what he says in the second panel. For a long time I wondered if the implication was that Crocodile does actually value people's lives more than he lets on (especially with his seeming willingness to blow up a million people in a violent, orchestraded coup), just having a "small sacrifice for the greater good" kinda outlook (as we know, casualties can't be avoided in war, Croco and Luffy both agree on that) (where as I would IMAGINE Dragon having a more "no sacrifices, we have to save as many people as possible" kinda principle)

But now, looking at these two moments together, and knowing Crocodile has trust issues for unknown reasons, there is also that option that, perhaps... No one has ever shown that kind of loyalty towards him, a willingness to follow him to the grave or support him, to stay by his side? And if so, maybe, in these two scenes, Crocodile does recognize that kind of deep loyalty and trust and love, and has to cope with the fact that he has and may never experience it himself, that he's doomed to be alone, surrounded only by people who "respect him" out of fear (something that could be extra painful while knowing someone had just recently betrayed him by leaking his info to ruin his plans/after figuring out it was Robin, his very literal partner in crime. Like talk about rubbing salt into a wound).

And y'know, that is an extremely sad reading and I feel so bad for my poor little meow meow (that man needs a hug so bad), but also that doesn't really add to pushing The Crocodad Agenda, which is very unfortunate. Especially because I feel like between the two readings, Crocodile recognizing loyalty no one will ever show him (and being hurt by the fact) feels like a more comprehensive and simple reading, than if one is about him showing he doesn't fully believe in what he's doing is right and the other about him relating to Luffy on a deeper level.

But then, as OP pointed out in their post, for the entirety of page 2 of Chapter 207 while Luffy is keeling over from the poison finally kicking in, Crocodile looks like he's fully letting down his walls to express genuine relief, as if the those beliefs Croc had carried and convinced himself were true were just confirmed

What're his beliefs again? That trust in others is worthless, and you can not afford to have ideals if you're weak, great strenght being the only thing that allows you, if not straight up justifies you, in doing whatever you please? Now, maybe it's just me, but if Crocodile was showing relief here over his belief that trusting others is worthless after being reminded time and time again of the love and loyalty the Strawhats have for each other and the Alabastan kingdom has for everyone in it (etc)... I dunno, I feel like that would be kind of weak, if that's where Crocodile's internalized beliefs were wavering. But if Crocodile's whole Utopia-plan had been about destroying the WG to protect his baby boy (and release the whole world from the WG's oppressive rule while he's at it) at whatever cost, while he deep inside knew what he was doing was fucked up beyond belief... Yeah, Crocodile trying to convince himself what he was doing was "justified" would make sense. Him having his beliefs potentially even waver a little bit through out this whole ordeal would make sense. Crocodile in this moment experiencing relief that what he had told himself was the righteous would make sense.

Everybody remember's Doflamingo's speech from Marineford, about how history is written by the victors and its them who decide what is right and what is wrong- the winner becomes "justice" itself. Vegapunk kind of called back to this concept during his broadcast too, and yeah, Crocodile did kind of introduce us to it back in Alabasta. If he had won, he would have been "justified" in what he had done, because it'd be him who'd be deciding what's right and what's wrong.

Now I don't really have anything else to add to that post in particular (though I absolutely love the reading on the Crocodile vs Robin part and now that I've read it I can't unsee nor disagree with it), but OP did make a separate post speculating about some of design decisions Oda made regarding Crocodile, starting with discussing the logo for Baroque Works. And they pointed this out

Bro wrote this in 2015, they have no idea, oh my god, dude had no clue whatsoever

So quickly looking that one up and yeah, wings have sometimes been used to represent the sun (most commonly with the sun, as a winged sun?) and yeah, that actually has a lot of meaning in the current state of the series re: God of Liberation the Sun God Nika. But what's more is that this is actually the SECOND time we're actually finding a way to link Crocodile to sun-symbolism, the other being Crocodile being a reference to the Egyptian god Sobek (protector god, god of military, go to Wikipedia), who has an alternative form (/fusion with Ra) called Sobek-Ra, where he is a sun god. And what was Crocodile trying to do in Alabasta if not falsely "liberate" the country from its original rule. Also worth noting is that seemingly the winged sun was most commonly used in Egyptian iconography, so if Oda ever did research Egyptian mythology for inspiration in Alabasta (which, considdering the sheer amount of Stuff in the story as a whole is more than likely), then it is very possible he could have read about the winged sun and used it intentionally.

But what I do find interesting is that, yeah, wings kinda are a symbol one would considder "heroic" or related to "freedom". And, as I have been going on and on about, if Crocodile's ultimate goal in creating his funny little "utopia" was to overthrow the World Government and "free" the whole world of their rule. Like. That really lines up with the whole symbolism with the sun and the liberation and the freedom and shit, like. Why does it line up so neatly good dear god

I dunno how to end this post, these were just a few little things that I had been thinking about after coming across OP's blog and, yeah, just wanted to discuss them.

Again, OP hasn't been active for years, but if they did suddenly come back please don't bother them or god forbid harrass them/try to get them to change their mind about trans Croco. Just don't start shit, please.

End of post byeeeeeeee

[waitmyturtles]

This post was making its way around last night, about how viewers could/should recognize when female characters in dramas are written by men, and how we as viewers can rejigger our minds around how we then see and interpret these female characters. I'm thinking of Cheum in Only Friends, and how she's been written by an all-male and all-queer team of writers.

Somewhat separately, I'm noting a reblog from my OF Sunday meta by @fromthedepthsandbeyond about how Thai audiences vs. international audiences are receiving Cheum. Holding myself accountable: in my original post that I just linked, I chunked up the deuces on Cheum (and I do still hope April dumps Cheum's ass).

But I gotta ponder what it means that an all-male team wrote Cheum. And as well, I gotta think about what it means for me to interpret a female character in a drama, generally speaking.

What are my implicit biases towards a female character to hold people around her accountable? To hold her brother accountable for making false rape claims against Boston? To hold herself accountable for calling Boston a slut and making judgements against his sexual predictions? To hold herself accountable for continuing to suggest to Mew that he date Top, because Top is top-tier?

What are my implicit biases that a female character in a drama would be written to transcend above the bullshit she is witnessing, to be a cipher of macro-level sensibility and to cut through everyone else's bullshit to speak on the truth of their shenanigans?

What are my implicit and/or explicit expectations that the older sister of a younger brother who lied about rape claims would hold that younger sibling accountable for his falsehoods?

I just wrote on a reblog from @ranchthoughts, as we head towards Saturday's finale, about my giving these characters the space and grace to be imperfect twentysomethings, and I think this ties into how I need to possibly adjust what in the heck is going on with Cheum. And I note that especially from @fromthedepthsandbeyond's thoughts on Thai vs. international interpretations of Cheum.

Could I generalize a Thai interpretation on Cheum as: Cheum is doing the best she can in what we assume to be a Thai/Asian society that still holds in expectation certain roles of peacekeeping that a female should uphold?

I might be able to safely make that assumption, with sensitivity to overgeneralization. (I've been thinking a lot about sexism in Asian families vis à vis my re-watch and re-rewatch of Bad Buddy lately -- and how Pat's traditional Thai-Chinese family upholds lingering notions of sexism towards Pat's younger sister, Pa.)

And could I generalize an international interpretation on Cheum as: we have made so much progress on women's equality, that Cheum should feel free to burn all these assholes down to ash for their inconsistencies and/or lies?

I think there's a tension there, in the interpretive lenses, that I'm playing around with, as I think about getting more open and accountable towards my biases of what I might expect out of a character like Cheum that was written by men.

I don't know, I'm feeling unsettled by this, because in a way, I want to know what Cheum, as a fictional storytelling device, was meant to achieve by way of her placement in the Only Friends story and script. She has extreme judgement against Boston, for instance, and.... I don't know where that judgement stems from, what it means.

Does it mean that guys (like Jojo and the OF team) assume that all women judge sex? I can't think that that's it, considering Jojo's past works, but... I don't know.

So, yeah. I'm struggling with this and pondering it. How do I relate to Cheum now that I'm thinking about her as written as a fictional narrative device by guys? Oof. I wonder if I should have recalibrated my expectations all along.

---

P.S. I think this also touches on a thought I had a few weeks ago about implicit biases towards lesbians -- that a lesbian couple like Mew's moms could be wiser, sharper, and more attuned to their son's implicit angst towards Top; when clearly, when they first met Top, they weren't, at all. I thought that was a brilliant spin by the OF team on biases that we may have about lesbian couples, and what that meant for commentary about the general aloofness of Asian parents in fiction.

[lttleghost]

El Camino makes me want to Chew My Arm Off

(I know I’ve made several posts about this movie and my problems with it but I just have to put all of my thoughts down or I’m going to explode)

so, Breaking Bad's sequel movie, El Camino… I’ve tried to like it so long, I’ve seen it 5 or 6 times, and the first few times I saw it I was firmly in denial and thought I enjoyed it even if I had a couple of arguments with it… but I’ve hit this tipping point where I just can't pretend anymore, and I just… hate this movie. and it seems like I shouldn't, right? being a Jesse lover I should be happy that he gets a hopeful, if slightly bittersweet, ending, right? because he does get a somewhat happy ending… right?

except… does he? like even when I was trying to force myself to like El Camino, I was a bit upset by the ending; it seems to be asking a lot of me to believe that Jesse is really getting a particularly hopeful “new beginning” when he’s still alone and without support and now can’t even ever confide in anyone without majorly risking revealing his identity and getting arrested. I also always felt that after the first half of the movie Jesse’s PTSD was kinda… downplayed? and I just have this feeling that might’ve been done with the purpose of making Jesse’s “hopeful” ending a lil more believable considering the circumstances, but I admit that particular aspect might just be in my head.

so that’s not great obviously, or at least it pokes a bit of a hole in the tone of El Camino’s ending for Jesse, but what really tipped me over the edge was realizing what the story communicates in presenting it’s ending as more hopeful and bittersweet instead of just kinda depressing. it communicates that what Jesse needs to do to have a happier life is just make the right choices from now on. BECAUSE YA KNOW, THIS DRUG ADDICTS PROBLEM WAS HE JUST WASN’T MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES!!!!

and I want to believe that this wasn’t intentional, I know the writers at least sympathize with Jesse, but there are scenes within El Camino that just make it really really hard for me to believe that on some level that isn’t what you’re supposed to take away from it, primarily this one -

and this scene which follows it a short time afterwards -

I think that we’re supposed to agree with what’s being said by the disappearer guy and Jesse in these scenes, that Jesse is in fact at least somewhat responsible for where he ended up. It’s hard for me to imagine that they’re scenes where you’re expected to say “oh fuck OFF!!” and “sweetheart I understand why you think that but no, they fucked up” at the screen respectively. 

now, it’s very in character for Jesse to say what he did to his parents. children who are neglected tend to blame themselves for their own hardships - and I bet Jesse also just wants to lessen the guilt that his parents might feel in general if he can cause he’s a sweet person… but I don’t understand why it was necessary to have the disappearer guy say what he said. he could have said any number of things besides “you made your own luck” to Jesse in response to Jesse not quite having enough money for an identity change, including something simple like the cost of his services is the cost of his services, no exceptions.

and since Vince Gilligan does seem to believe that there is possibly a perfect way to pull off the ending where Jesse did end up in jail even if he couldn’t write it himself I’m even more sure that he’s got a fundamental misunderstanding of the responsibility Jesse has in his actions and what might actually be useful for solving the problems Jesse does have. like yeah, Jesse’s gonna feel guilty whether or not his actions were in his reasonable control because he’s a person who cares about others getting hurt, but I’m sorry, is repentance the actual solution to that? really?

cause, tell me this; how is it useful in any way to continue to “hold Jesse accountable” for his actions by the end of Breaking Bad, isn’t the purpose of doing that to prevent someone from doing the same harmful things again? what is the point of this in Jesse’s case? the only genuinely shitty thing that was his full responsibility and was something that he had a reasonable choice to not do was his attempt to sell drugs to the rehab group, but GUESS WHAT!? Jesse snapped himself out of that idea without much of the way of people telling him it was bad to do. I think this is a lesson learned! and I keep using the term “reasonable choice” for a reason, and it’s because sometimes someone has a choice to do something sure, but it’s unreasonable to expect that every single person will make the “right” choice, like most of the worst things that Jesse does are because he is backed into a corner and/or being manipulated by Walt! oh and Jesse being a drug dealer in the first place? a) selling drugs to people who are seeking them out isn’t actually this massive act of harm long as you’re honest about what you’re selling, people will always use drugs and need to get them from somewhere, also alcohol is more toxic and kills more people than meth does, and b) so while Walt had the choice between selling meth and… accepting help from other people who think that they owe him anyway, Jesse had the choice between selling meth and poorly paying jobs, one of which we see offered is ACTUALLY humiliating, not just “ooh I have to accept help sometimes”, and actually he’d have to do this all while lacking support or help from anyone except maybe his friends who are still very involved in the drug trade because his parents are shitty fucking people who weren’t prepared or willing to have a child that wasn’t “normal”. and it's not like this makes anything that he did good or that he didn't do anything wrong I'm not suggesting that he's a perfect person, but I don't think that what he did is uniquely bad in any way.

and even if I’m wrong and the movie is actually trying to get across that Jesse didn’t USE to have choices but NOW he does I think… the ending still wraps it up badly and it still communicates a bad message. like why are we led to believe that Jesse is going to make different choices from now on? not only does he still have no outside support or resources, but he has LESS options in regards to acquiring those things than he had at the beginning of Breaking Bad and a FUCKTON of new PTSD on top of that. like I think it’s unlikely that Jesse is going to get back into the criminal world but instead of me thinking that because his life circumstances have actually improved in the ways that they should’ve it’s because he’s been through so much horrible trauma in the past that he’ll “know better”. Jesse received trauma that we’re sorta meant to interpret as him learning from, punishment that he learned from, so that now anything genuinely miserable coming up in his life will simply seem better than what he’s already been through, again rather than actually having resources to make his rough patches in life better. El Camino still puts all of the pressure onto Jesse alone to have a better life. and I think that ultimately leaves us with an ending that is bleaker than it wants to admit

I don’t know how I could write El Camino to have the happy ending for Jesse that I both want and think he deserves, at least I’ve not been able to come up with anything that feels believable enough, so sadly I think that the best way to fix it is by changing the tone of the ending so that it does feel bleaker. maybe add in a little more focus on Jesse’s PTSD and that he doesn’t really know how to deal with it later in the movie as well, but still keep in everything that show’s Jesse’s kindness, like him feeding the spider Todd was keeping and the scene with the beetle that always brings the Undertale quote “despite everything it’s still you” to mind. if nothing else I’d hope that it’d make people think about how nothing about Jesse’s life circumstances have changed in a way that actually will allow him to thrive, and feel upset about it because he continues to persist in being a caring person in a world that never wanted him to be.

[greyborn2]

A SUMMARY OF MAORMER*

*with occasional headcanon

Gosh, so this one took a while. What follows is a complete summary of maormeri lore as it currently stands. Mostly taken from ESO since, well, that's been are biggest source so far really. Everything written in blue is as near to fact as we can get. It is either directly stated or pretty clearly inferred from the pieces of lore we have. HOWEVER... well, I couldn't help myself. I'm a theorist. Everything not written in blue is more theorizing and worldbuilding on my part. As a general rule I've kept to a 'connect and fill in the dots' approach rather than wholesale making stuff up. So while a lot of this isn't canon, I'm doing my best to keep to its spirit. Also; this is a long ass post so feel free to just skip around to titled areas that interest you!!

HISTORY AND RELIGION

Altmeri and Maormeri history (and faith, on the sea elves’ part) understandably differ somewhat on the topic of king Orgnum. The Altmer hold that he was once a nobleman, and priest of Auriel, and a phenomenally powerful sorcerer who turned from his god. He, they go on to claim, would start a cult in reverence of himself, bankrolled by arcane relics he forged. The Aldmer eventually being forced to break a part of their homeland away, cast it into the sea, and weave powerful mist magicks around it to contain their enemies.

The Maormer claim and fervently believe, for their part, that what the other Mer worship as Auriel is simply a small fragment of the whole truth. Their faith sticks surprisingly close to that of the Redguards; that the time god is both beginning and ending. The serpent god Satakal who bites on and eats his own tail. A god not unlike a synthesis of the traditional Auriel and the Nordic Alduin. They say Satakal, coiling serpent of time, upon who's scales all reality rests, would fall in love with the Mother Sea; from their union all the beasts of the shores and seas came. And so in love with the Mother Sea and his children was Satakal that he would shed his godly scales, for this rotation of time, walk as an elf. King Orgnum. From there the Maormeri and Altmeri tellings converge. They speak of Orgnum attempting to speak the truth to the Aldmer, of how most rejected him, and how he and the Maormer were banished.

While Orgnum-as-Satakal is the primary god of the Maormer, much reverence is also paid to the Mother Sea as well.

Some tellings draw more parallels between the story of Satakal and Mother Sea to that of Anu and Padomay, with each related to the other respectively. By this account Orgnum, as the second incarnation of their telling of Anu, can be seen as a synthesis of Anuiel and Auriel into one.

Maormer see Orgnum as not just their king, but king by right of all the seas, of his love. By this reasoning all islands, from the tiniest rock to the summerset isles themselves, are his by right.

Legend claims that Orgnum made the Maormer his children, and the children of Mother Sea, by ''spilling the spirit of the sea'' into their blood, and it was this that transformed the Aldmer into the Maormer.

When Satakal assumed the skin of Orgnum, his visage as serpent god of time still shone through his mortal form. He began looking as an ancient Mer, and as this rotation of time slowly shortens so to does his mortal life, growing younger and younger by the centuries instead of older. In the current era, it is rumoured, that king Orgnum looks as an adolescent.

Though king Orgnum's full face is almost never seen, everything below the eyes being hidden by a long veil, those who have seen it say he possesses an otherworldly beauty. Some priests and priestesses to Satakal adopt this item of fashion.

Another mark of Orgnum’s divinity is his third arm. Legend says that one can reach toward the past, one the present, and one the future. Though little has been seen of his ability to manipulate time beyond minor miracles.

King Orgnum is able to adjust his form, taking on the shape of the largest sea serpent ever seen. This silver scaled beast is the terror of the Altmeri navy and has been seen swallowing entire ships whole. It is Orgnum’s duel nature of man and serpent that the common Maormer echoes by bonding with a sea serpent at birth.

PYANDONEA

Pyandonea is a floating island chain, kept above the sea by a vast 'bed' of roots beneath her, massive deposits of the naturally floating frog metal, and a small amount of lingering Aldmeri magicks.

Pyandonea, and her surrounding sea, is eternally shrouded in unrelenting mist. Without magical aid the mist is quite literally impossible to traverse. An unaided Maormer could no more leave the isles than a mainlander could enter it. Only with the aid of Sea Witches can passage to and from the isles be formed, as well as between island settlement and island settlement.

The landmass of Pyandonea is that of dizzyingly vast mountain archipelagos overflowing with verdant jungle rainforest, from which mist and waterfalls pour down constantly. The seas around her a maze of kelp which grabs, entangles, and drowns unwary sailors and ships alike, or smashes them against the rocks... though it is only with the aid of these grasping kelps holding onto the underlying root bed of Pyandonea that it stays in one place at all. Sea beasts and water spirits prowl water and land, only adding to the danger. She is a land designed to keep people in, and out, with no passage between; and it took the Maormer much skill to escape her and turn her defences to their advantage.

Maormer settlements are often built in or around the remains of huge emperor crabs, whale carcasses, or otherwise slain titans of the deep. Maormeri ships hunt them, drive them against the shores, and harvest what meat they can; but there is often enough leftover food to support a population for the years necessary to build up a new port or town, and so some of the crew stay behind. Further inland are overgrown Aldmeri ruins, some still inhabited as strange cities that look indistinguishable from the abandoned ones from outside, only within the vines cut away and replaced with signs of civilization. Orgnum himself holds court and rules (when he is not at sea, which he is for most the of year) in one such overgrown city of ruins.

Shades of blue and white are the most popular architectural colours, just as they are most popular in fashion. White marble walls with blue shingles, deep blue sunshades spread between the whitened ribs of old krakens, sky blue tents in bustling markets. It is seen as representative and in honour of the sea; of both her waves and her crashing foam.

Despite the jungles and humidity, Pyandonea is still quite unlike the forests of Topal or the Niben. Unlike both of those it is much further from the equator, almost down to the southern ice sheets, and thus even without snowfall it can be devastatingly cold. Unprepared travellers can find themselves soaked in the mist and losing an entire limb to frostbite... if they are lucky.

BIOLOGY

Maormer are split into, very broadly, two categories. The majority of Maormer are milky white in skin and eye colour, with predominantly white, black, or grey hair. Their ears end with fin-like ridges, and they are able of safely consume salt water - their tongues have an adaptation to safely filter out salt from water, an ability that even remains for a while even after death and removal. Contrary to popular belief, they do not have gills or any special ability to breathe underwater. Finally, almost all possess a mouth of sharp teeth, specialized in tearing meat and breaking shells. So called 'leviathan' Maormer are a minority, making up perhaps a tenth of the overall population. Theirs is a bloodline that has been altered by powerful magicks - sorcery combining their ancestors with beasts of the sea. While most leviathan Maormer are descended of sea snake-hybrids, having faintly white scaled skin, fangs, gills, and springy bones that flow through water at terrifying speed this is not the case of all leviathans. Some have chitinous shells, others semi-translucent jellyfish skin, some even bearing tentacles and bioluminescent patterns. There are as many shapes of leviathan as there are fish in the sea. All are larger than their kin, though, all more at home at sea than land, and all both feared and respected by their fellows. Any captain worth their salt has a coterie of leviathans in their crew.

Maormer are naturally resistant to lightning, though fire and heat can be potentially debilitating - drying their skin out far faster and leaving longer lasting damage than it does to mainlanders.

Maormer possess the uncanny ability to 'blend' into the background and go unseen until they move, or make a noise, oftentimes to the shock of those who forgot they were even there to begin with. While the ability seems chameleonic it doesn’t actually alter the colour or texture of their skin, indeed, even a Maormer in full armor has this power. This ability is most obvious in mist and fog, where they can achieve something even surpassing invisibility.

Maormer are naturally attuned to find their balance on moving ground, be that on the deck of a ship or on the shores of their floating island-homeland of Pyandonea. When forced onto stationary land almost all seem to fall into a strange, staggering, swagger, and many suffer from so-called 'land sickness'.

CULTURE

Maormer society is organized more as a fleet than a traditional nation. Orgnum presides over the entire kingdom as both god and king. Beneath him are the many Sealords, occasionally referred to as ‘Coastal Princes’, each commanding over a fleet and clan, with many holding seaports and territory on Pyandonea itself. These Sealords are the admirals of their people. Beneath them are countless captains of near endless degrees of power. Some are near-rivals to Sealords, commanding small fleets, and ports, all across Maormer territory. Most command a single ship and crew, however. All Maormer, from the lowest sailor to the highest Sealord give a tribute of their take to those above them. All wealth trickles toward their king.

Maormeri society is traditionally a strict meritocracy. When a Sealord dies, their most powerful captain takes the role. When a captain dies, their first mate assumes command and is expected to assign the most capable Maormer under their command to their former position. Nepotism is a grave offence, a betrayal of those that serve under them.

Maormer often take slaves, as well as plunder, in their raids. Those who require too much work to keep are often killed or abandoned, with the fit potentially remaining with their new crew and captors for the rest of their lives. In dire straits, slaves are sacrificed to power Maormeri sorceries. It is not entirely unheard of for a slave to eventually earn their freedom, either remaining with the crew as a true member, or being left on the mainland once more.

A Maormer ship is nearly entirely self-sufficient, and can remain at sea indefinitely barring repair work. The sea provides adequate food and water for a Maormeri crew, and captured supplies can support whatever slaves the ship has.

Every ship keeps one or more Sea Witch, incredibly powerful mages able to command weather to devastating effect. Most Sea Witches are then further accompanied by a throng of apprentices, called Stormcallers.

Maormer trade with both Khajiit and Redguards as often as they prey on them, though some travel further afield. Even far-off Skyrim is at least partially known to them.

Almost every Maormer owns a sea serpent. When a new Maormer is born, the serpent who hatched nearest to the event is assigned to them. The two care and protect each other, forming a deep symbiotic bond. Though few sea serpents are afforded the food needed to grow to ship-crushing sizes, those who do make terrifying mounts for their bonded Maormer. Rider and beast attack as one, the intelligence of their Maormer given to their mount's terrifying strength in pure harmony.

Those Maormer who, by some means, lose their serpent are often paired again with likewise orphaned serpents - if such an opportunity is possible.

After a raid, the take is surprisingly often most distributed fairly and evenly amongst the crew. A captain or Sealord who denies his people their fair share is seen as betraying their service, and rarely long for this world.

Those Maormer unable or unwilling to live a life at sea will most often instead find themselves working as shipwrights or any number of other occupations in Pyandonea's ports. They are a small, but vital, minority.

While all Maormeri ships and crews are combat-able, not all are pirates and raiders. Some work as merchants, trading goods between Pyandonea and the broader fleet. Others make way as diplomats between the Sealords. Many more are simply 'civilian' ships; little different from a mainlander village save for the fact that they are always at sea and farm kelp and fish in place of grain and livestock.

For those Maormer unable to breathe underwater, drowning is a terrible fear. Many legends are of drowning Maormer being saved at the last moment from this fate, and their armor and clothing is designed to adapt as best it can to water and save them from drowning. Fabrics and leathers (mostly from porpoises and ornaugs) are kept resilient to water retention and wet-weight, boots are either designed with mostly uncovered feet or such that they can easily be shed, and the only metal broadly used is frog metal, or orgnium, a metal strong as steel but bearing incredibly buoyancy.

Mainlanders are often seen as clumsy, stumbling, and ill-suited to life at sea. The phrase 'groundwalker' is thus used as both a clear statement of fact but, also, often an insult to the clumsy or foolish. The irony that Maormer are just as clumsy on land is utterly lost on them - or, more likely, they simply believe it more important that one be at home at sea.

Treason and mutiny are one and the same, and both are rare indeed. The offence and mistreatment a captain must provide their crew with is incredible before the bonds of loyalty (and often blood ties too) are broken.

Song and music are major parts of Maormeri culture. From the rhythm keeping slave chants, to the sailors’ shanties, and and even the popular tunes of a pungi in a seaside town, it is hard to go long in Maormeri company without someone striking up a song or tune.

Maormer are far, far, less obsessed with breeding, pedigree, and lineage than the Altmer, or indeed most elven culture. In their eyes, their blood is only a very small part of what makes them better than mainlanders. Theirs is a sense of cultural superiority more so than racial, and those who integrate are often treated little differently than born Maormer - save perhaps for the occasional joke at their expense as they fail to find their sea legs. The endless forms a leviathan Maormer can take have almost enforced this view of accepted diversity amongst them.

[solarpunkani]

My Plans for Solarpunk Aesthetic Week 3

Solarpunk Aesthetic Week 3 begins in a week! I hope everyone's excited--I sure am!

Knowing me, I likely won't get to everything on this list (I haven't the past two years, after all). Also knowing me, I'll likely think of things after I post this list that I might wind up doing instead. But! Hopefully this list of plans helps inspire you, or at least holds me somewhat accountable.

So what am I planning to do to celebrate the event?

On the very tippy top of my list is finally putting together an above-ground mini pond idea I have! I still have to draw up the plans, and I'm not gonna pretend to be an expert on making mini ponds, but I'm excited to give things a shot! I've been sitting around with the materials for a week now biting the urge to do it because I want this to be one of my Big Solarpunk Things.

I've been working on a crochet dragonfly cloak for awhile, and I'm hoping to have it finished by the end of SAesW! Even if I don't wind up finishing it, I think at least posting a project update during this time would be nice!

Maybe I'll finally crochet myself a cute turtle. I've seen patterns online of turtles with sunflower shells so I might give that one a go!

At the very least I have a granny square tote bag that I literally just need to sew together (and make a lining for but shhhh). And a gift for my mom but yknow.

Initially back in April-May era I was planning to write a short story to share for the event, but I couldn't come up with anything? Every idea I came up with had too many holes and at this point I wouldn't count on me posting a story during the event. Buuuut I might start a short story (or resume work on my Solarpunk Zombie Story that I haven't worked on since May 14th 2023).

If my tablet behaves, I might try making solarpunk art? I struggle with feeling like I can make solarpunk art but I have a few ideas I might try to do!

I wouldn't place any bets on me whipping out the sewing machine because I've been meaning to for months now and it hasn't happened. But if I do, I'll sew a lining for my sunflower crochet bag, and maybe make some more face masks while I'm at it!

Is this when Ani finally begins her Learning Embroidery Era? Who know! Not me!

Depending on the weather maybe I'll see about convincing myself to check out the local Aboretum that I did not know existed in my city until this February. Maybe convince Dad to come with? We must keep in mind the temps have been in the 90s lately (and that's before counting humidity) so it really depends on my willpower.

My tomato plants aren't doing as well as they were last year but if I get more tomatoes I'll see what happens. At the very least I can post pictures of bugs on my gardening blog.

That's what I'm planning! What are you guys hoping to do?

[catboybiologist]

1 month HRT update and journal thingy!

So as I said in my pinned post, I'm gonna be doing a monthly kind of progress check on HRT. Well, it's been 32 days, so here it is! Here's some measurements of interest:

But, I found that the raw measurements, and a single "other column" wasn't sufficient to really catalogue my experience. So I wrote a long, probably overly detailed account of some of the things I've experienced in the past month.

And holy shit, what a month it's been.

So first off, lets start with what’s not happening. Some good, some bad. I think I missed the skin softness gene or something. I’ve really noticed no change in skin texture, and that’s often cited as the first noticeable physical change from HRT. My skin was somewhat soft before, but nothing like the transfemmes I know irl, so this was a bit disappointing. But in all honesty, it’s not that big of a deal.

The other thing that I haven’t noticed yet is a reduced aerobic capacity or physical ability. I’m sure this will come in time, but the interesting thing here is that one of my main physical activities, freediving, is actually a far more direct measurement of aerobic capacity than most others. I can’t do this in nearly a consistent enough way to actually log it, but my casual breath hold times in the couple of times I’ve been freediving since starting HRT haven’t changed. On a fairly standard dive, I usually stay down 60-70 seconds, and that’s still true. With good prep and good air conservation on the bottom (I like to hold onto rocks and kelp, and stay motionless while looking around lol), I can get 90 seconds or beyond (I don’t like pushing it). Part of the problem is that so much of this is variable, and is highly dependent on how good my equipment prep is that day (insulation and weighting), water conditions (cold and rough=more energy=shorter dives), and my boy physiology (how much I’ve eaten, caffeine intake, etc). But in general, I haven’t noticed major physical fitness changes yet. 

Weight gain has been intermittent. I’ve always been a bit swingy on my weight, and can easily go +/- 5lbs in no time at all. At one point, I was 4lbs over my pre-HRT weight (3 week interval), but now I’m down to 1 pound over. My waist is slightly thinner than it was pre-HRT, but that seems to be normal fluctuation. Where did the extra 1-3lbs go? We’ll get to that, LOL.

My waist measurement hasn’t changed, but anecdotally, I do think there’s changes going on there. The 43 inches measurement is still at my widest point, around my thighs (which have always been pretty good). Now, however, I’m noticing what seems to be some growth on areas that aren’t covered by the exact circle I’m using to measure that. My butt seems slightly bigger, although I could just be lying to myself. Time will tell.

Onto the stuff that has changed!

Mood. Oh my god mood. My resting state is no longer a crackling misery. I don’t think I was ever suicidal because of dysphoria alone, but I was certainly pushed to that point far, far easier when it was a contributing factor. I also just… didn’t enjoy anything about my body. When I was happy, it was a distraction. Now, it’s already much better. I still don’t like my body. I got a long way to go. But, I’m seeing progress, and it’s been incredible.

Emotions overall have been more intense. I’ve had a couple of downswings, and I get misty eyed easier. I haven’t had a proper cry yet, though. I get excited about things again, which was a COMPLETELY dead feeling. And I have also gotten angry at some things, which is also something I killed as a teenager because I was scared of where it took me. It hasn’t been as uncontrollable as I expected, however, and the negative emotions I’m experiencing more viscerally have been immensely cathartic. 

            And then, there's the big one. Hopefully that's literal. And that's breast growth. Almost immediately I noticed some kind of perking up, but no breast bud formation and no immediate growth. At about week 2, I was able to feel the distinct disks of breasts buds under my nipples, and my bust size started increasing. Now, at 4.5 weeks in, my bust size is 1.5 inches larger than it was pre-HRT.

           This is ludicrously fast. As in, so fast it has me questioning if I'm actually intersex or something. I think my E levels will be enlightening.

I really, REALLY don’t want to get too hopeful. But overall, if some of these trends continue… I’m gonna get a LOT curvier. Honestly, my ideal body would be pretty tight and trim… but I’m fucking estatic anyways. I’m just really, really hoping that the breast growth trend continues, and also that the tiny observations I’ve made about a bigger butt and thinner waist are actually real. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to boymode like this LMAO.

There’s also the opposite fear: if my estrogen levels are too high, it could signal the end of “puberty” too early. It’s looking like a possibility, but I gotta wait until next week for my levels check.

There’s one final set of observations I wanna put here, but y’all gotta not be weird about it LOL. I WILL block you and erase this part if you treat this as anything more than impartial observations about myself. Got it? Good. NSFW warning for the next bit.

I want to make some remarks on libido and erogenous sensitivity in general, because that has also been one of the most notable changes.

First off, I heard so many stories about HRT killing libido. Holy fuck, this has not been true for me. I’m going crazy sometimes LOL. I absolutely have a somewhat higher libido on average, but its already changed the way its expressed itself.

First off, my entire body is more sensitive to erogenous soft touch. The right kind of touch and care on my waist will feel very similar to more traditional erogenous zones. I’ve NEVER had this before, and was completely blindsided by it. I’m absolutely fascinated by what neural change caused that, but its really cool even if I don’t know the underlying explanation.

Second off, my libido spikes and hot flashes sometimes. I think this is pretty typical of anyone going under a hormonal change, and tbh I’m not surprised.

Third off is the weirdest one, and something that I’ve asked other transfemmes about, and none have been able to answer. My chest sensitivity seems to be going through very distinct mini-cycles, on the approximate span of time being one full “cycle” per week. Essentially, when I started HRT, my chest first got very sore, itchy, and sensitive to sources of pain and itchiness. It stayed like that for a few days, and then all sensitivity to the area cut out. My nipples pre-HRT were always more sensitive than other cis men, and in this phase, they were actually less sensitive than they were pre HRT. This lasted another couple of days… and then there was a period of massively increased erogenous sensitivity. Soft touches made me wild, and I started wearing  bra not for the support, but to block my shirt from rubbing against them and distracting me. Holy FUCK, this phase is insane. And then after that, they went back to sore again, and then dead again, and then erogenous again. Right now, I’m in the erogenous “phase” of what I think is the fourth cycle here since I started HRT. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. It’s not the period that some trans women report getting, its not a monthly thing. It might just be my body adjusting strangely to new hormones in general, but yeah. Its weird, bc it seems like a pretty unique thing. 

So yeah. That’s a journal thing. I had a LOT more thoughts about HRT starting beyond just the initial measurements, because so much hit me way faster than I thought it would, so I wanted to write something long form. I think I’m going to write something similar each month along with my measurements update, but I expect future writing to be much, much shorter. It’s been incredible so far, but I’m guessing less will be novel- I think things will only be different when I change aspects of my HRT regimen. We’ll see.

[thecurseofcassandra-if]

hoping to have an update out sometime toward the end of august / start of september!!! I’m trying to get it ready before the school year starts and I get busy with uni work again

this post is basically just to hold myself accountable to stick to a somewhat reasonable update schedule, but I’m also very excited for you guys to see what I’ve been cooking up! there are strange things stirring in Charity’s Cross, my friends :)

[thelimeonade]

I am in no way new here but it's been so long since I have used this blog to the point that it has - sadly - descended into an early grave. So in an attempt to revive it and be more consistent, I'm going to reintroduce myself to you all.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Lime and I am an aspiring writer (mainly high fantasy). I'm 22 years old and I'm in my 5th year as a med student, with hopes of landing a position in either cardiology, surgery or general practice especially emergency and trauma. I live in Cairo, Egypt and as I have said before to disperse the false stereotypes, no, I do not live in a tent. No, I don't live next to the pyramids. Yes, I have wifi and all the modern things you have.

My hobbies include portrait drawing and reading. I have been an avid reader ever since I could hold books and pretend that I was reading because I couldn't actually read just yet. My TBR is at a completely unrealistic number of 4.5k and growing as I have no favorite genre and I bury myself in books as a somewhat unhealthy way to deal with my depression, anxiety and borderline.

I have a LOT of WIPs - wouldn't exactly call them that as I never really started outlining any of them, I just started writing random scenes but I plan on working on one of them fully in the upcoming 5 years (yes I have set a timeline for myself), my most probable decision will be to work on Extinct Galactic but I am torn between burning my greatest card as my first book instead of testing the waters with a simpler, milder idea that would be more acceptable and help me grow my base as a writer.

I initially started this writeblr to share my love and knowledge with everyone here and this reason still stands to this day but we will add to it "the motivation to keep moving forward and improving". I will do my best to post daily, to share how life is going on, to update you on how far I have come in goals that I will be also sharing with you guys.

Some Fun Facts about me:

I used to have over 100 Australian budgies. They were initially two... then they kinda got a lil frisky... and yea... Now I have two cockatiels, Zizo and Bar'o'aa (means plum in Egyptian) and two rescue cats called, Safroot (means tiny in Egyptian) and Nougat.

I have my own small business bookstore that sells manga, manhwa, comic books, light novels and other similar books.

My favorite series is Altered Carbon, the first season, second one was awful.

My anxiety manifests as the need to always be prepared for anything so you'll always find me carrying a huge, heavy backpack full of anything and everything I might ever need.

My guilt pleasure is buying more books even-though I do not have the shelf space nor the capacity to read all of them but I must. own. all. books.

I have an anonymous writing account on instagram called @metanoia.writes

I'm an INFP-T and a Pisces

I love love love LOVE questions so please send me some

So this is it for my somewhat short introduction. I am excited to get to know all of you! Please follow me and reblog this post so it reaches as many people as possible. I will be following back everyone that does. If you're a writeblr as well, let me know so I can check out your works and support you, hopefully we will be more than mutuals!

Lots of love, Lime

[elvensaber]

IDK if this is gonna resonate with anyone on this site but I have thoughts about the ways Academics go about doing public work, especially through social media (twitter, primarily). This isn't a deeply researched post or anything, just kinda thinking. Well, ranting really

So, I feel pretty at home with the internet, online jokes, youtube, tumblr, twitter, etc. I am also entering the final year of my PhD and am thinking about what I want to do once I graduate. I love public-facing work, and love the idea of doing long-form video essays, so I pay attention to how academics conduct themselves in online spaces.

Academics (before the Musk thing happened, and even now after) primarily use twitter to advertise themselves and their work, to celebrate their accomplishments, and to network. In some ways, that's very effective. Networking is deeply important for job hunting, and twitter allows people to become aware of one another and build connections.

HOWEVER, some academics also used twitter as a public education platform, and I think it's not as effective as many academics make it out to be (The exception is Dr. Raven Baxter, a molecular biologist who has done an excellent job in online spaces imo).

Maybe this is specific to fellow archaeologists, but I find that people in my field use twitter threads or quote-tweets to correct the rampant misinformation about my field. And I don't know how effective that really is? I personally don't enjoy reading twitter threads - maybe others do, but they don't hold my attention, and often the information you can provide is somewhat limited. I also don't like that you have to take an academic at their word, with a limited ability to see what their sources are and check them for yourself. But, this seems to be the golden standard for online public content in archaeology. It's what the academics do!

There are two further disconnects with online archaeologists and academics broadly: One, oftentimes there's a "callout" aspect to the quote-tweets. This type of post is geared towards a specific audience, and the callout content doesn't ACTUALLY change anybody's mind. It instead serves as a joke for the in-group who already know the misinformation is incorrect, and serves as entertainment (NOTE: I'm thinking specifically about the tweets I've seen calling out Ancient Aliens stuff. I know people who correct misinformation in a very measured and strategic way, and that is much more effective. But unfortunately, Ancient Aliens IS a TV show with an audience who isn't going to change their mind if you make fun of them.) Two (and this is actually my biggest gripe), there now exists a pressure to extend one's professional life into the personal life via social media.

This extension then makes your job a central part of your private identity. And as a result, I experience pressure to maintain a mostly-professional identity even in my private online spaces. (I could make a second, private anonymous twitter account. But my friends follow me on my twitter and I don't wanna.) I want to be able to make stupid little jokes, but they're always tempered by the fact that twitter has become a pseudo-workplace for academia. I can be silly, but not as silly as I really want to be because my advisor will see it.

I'm a whole person - I study the things I do because I think they're interesting. If I talk about them on twitter, then that's my professional twitter. If I make stupid jokes, then it's my private twitter. So I end up walking the line by basically never posing on twitter, while allowing myself to make silly jokes as a treat with the occasional milestone update.

But you know why this disconnect especially bothers me? I think that public work is so much more effective when it doesn't have a veneer of professionalism. I truly think the long-form video format of Hbomberguy, Jenny Nicholson, Shanspeare, Munecat, etc could be an excellent frontier for public education. And that includes the silly jokes and references. So when I complain about the idea that I need to have a professional public twitter, it's not the public aspect of my work that bothers me. It's that I feel my personality has to be tempered in order to please other academics, when really I want to make tweets for my friends and people who aren't archaeologists.

There's also a whole other rant I have about how academics misjudge how to communicate their work, and the fact that our work is NOT inherently interesting and you DO have to work to capture and audience, but that's a whole other bucket of fish.

[hey-loser]

TLDR: SRB Zoom Chat

In case you missed it, Sarah did a webinar on Zoom a couple weeks ago hosted by The Sunday Morning Transport to answer questions about Tears Waiting to be Diamonds. You can get a 60-day free subscription to access both the story and the Zoom over on Sarah’s tumblr, but for those who are unable to access for any reason, I received a request to provide a little recap, so here goes! Tried to make it somewhat organized but also it is going to be a little chaotic haha. 

New IOL Deets

The scene of Luke and Elliot getting together and confessing their feelings was almost only ONE SENTENCE LONG. Many thanks on behalf of the fandom to the anonymous critique partner of Sarah’s who told her that absolutely wouldn’t fly.

Elliot and Luke Post-IOL

Sarah says that Elliot doesn’t go over the border much, even though he is able to. Luke is afraid of Elliot going somewhere where he can’t follow, and even though Elliot doesn’t even think of it as a possibility, he tries to be respectful of it.

Pet names: Elliot sometimes will take classics and make them weird (like he does at the end of IOL). Luke will occasionally embarrassedly call Elliot “darling”.

Luke has fairly regular contact with the harpies. Elliot tends to spearhead their contact in terms of keeping up correspondence - he knows relatives even Luke doesn’t, and they often attend harpy festivals. According to Sarah, it’s a classic case of the in-law being the favorite kid. She jokes that he could have just gone to the harpies and lived with them when he was exiled, and they would have gladly taken him in.

WHY SARAH

TWTBD Parts 1 & 2 were initially meant to be published on consecutive Sundays. SARAH SUGGESTED THAT THERE BE A LONGER WAIT IN BETWEEN.

Why Elliot do that?

Even though Elliot has made some progress with his insecurities, he still thinks that Luke doesn’t truly know the worst that he can do, and just puts up with him. Over the years, they have worked through smaller issues, so he’s learned that he can be forgiven for these things (while before that he considered himself completely unloveable). Once he’s committed treason, he thinks that is the worst possible thing, something completely antithetical to Luke’s value system as a soldier, so he considers it inevitable that their relationship is over.

Sarah likened it to “the mortifying ordeal of being known” –  Elliot never holds himself back from being completely known, because then he can be loved for who he is. But Elliot doesn’t think that Luke knows the worst he can be (even though Luke obviously does and accepts him for it).

Luke’s Letters

Luke starts with angry letters, then more worried, then back and forth between the two. Some of the letters Luke sends to Elliot are well thought out and composed (probably because Serene helped him), while others are basically drunk late night texts that he has to admit to Serene later with shame (side note from me: anyone wanna write the fic that comprises all his letters? or am I gonna have to do that myself). 

Luke doesn’t even consider them broken up in the first place and was entirely unsurprised to hear what Elliot had done when he returned, while Elliot dramatically thinks they’ve been broken up for months. He doesn’t want to hurt himself by looking at the letters when he thinks he knows that they will say.

The meantime:

It had been a month since Elliot was exiled by the time Luke and Serene returned from war. By the time Luke arrives it has been almost four months. A lot of that time was spent figuring out what thad happened, possibly variously threatening people who had been planning on executing Elliot.

“A lot of Elliot’s diplomacy relies on the fact that there are people who will enact violence for him”

Peace is not a stable thing, and there isn’t an easy answer for it. As they get older, it becomes more difficult, since adults are held more accountable for their actions than children.

Serene and Luke actually were trying to figure out the diplomatic way to solve the situation: i.e., sending letters to form a plan once communication was initiated.  After getting no response, they tried to get him pardoned, which was difficult considering someone apparently has a transcript of a long speech Elliot gave that essentially said “I did it and I’m not sorry”. 

Luke and Serene would sometimes spontaneously decide they were going to go find him alone, and the other would talk them down from it, or they’d decide to go together, and Golden would convince them to wait.

Where’s Serene?

The story was unfortunately too long to include Serene, or even the few references to her that were initially included (such as Mark mentioning a rumor of the Sunborn Champion being involved with her).

Logistically Sarah couldn’t get Serene to the battle, since Luke would have flown to get to Elliot as fast as possible. She says that Serene definitely arrives within the day.

What happens after TWTBD?

Luke and Elliot have to have several conversations, starting with a yelling conversation, a tender conversation, and then the normal combination of yelling/tender/insults. 

“If Elliot says loser, Luke knows that he’s okay and so pretty much the first words that Elliot said to Luke in the battlefield were reassuring because when he says loser, he means I still love you, which is what Luke was getting worried about.”

Elliot puts himself in tall towers and high places specifically so Luke can find him.

Sarah specifically quotes “This Ain’t a Love Song” by scouting for girls: “I know I’m lost, but I’m waiting to be found”.

More IOL

Sarah has said this before, but just in case anyone has missed it: she definitely has ideas of what happens to the characters in the future. She has said she has a strong story idea which would also need another novel in between to explain the middle events – so essentially a trilogy. TWTBD would take place in between these second and third books – the second would explain the events up to TWTBD, and the third would continue on from there. To be clear, Sarah has not confirmed whether this is actually in the works yet, or whether these would take full-length novel form or short story form.

On Trans and Nonbinary Individuals in IOL (specifically in elven culture):

Sarah says there would be some more freedoms for nonbinary/trans elves or dwarves than in human culture, but they would be restricted in other ways.

Sarah acknowledges that the IOL universe has been represented in a more binary way thus far; she plans to delve more into gender beyond the binary in the future after taking time to get the details and complexity right.

Long Live Evil Information

Sarah’s new upcoming novel! The protagonist is thrown into her favorite fantasy novel, but is unexpectedly classified as an evil sorceress and cast out with the rest of the villains. From how Sarah talks about it, the novel delves into villainy in fiction and what truly makes a villain. It also explores the joy of finding magic even if you think you’ve reached the stage of your life where you’re past it. (I AM SO EXCITED)

Hopefully this was somewhat coherent! 

[tubblers]

Tubble’s Anniversary

November 24th 2022 is when Tubble released. Originally, it was made to be a social media connected to the Minecraft server “Tubnet.” It was advertised as a Twitter alternative.

Although being advertised as a Twitter alternative, Most of tubble was chaos, roleplaying and lore. Parody accounts were made left and right and there was no rules of the forums to be seen.

Tubble lasted until May of 2023, where it was taken down. By that point, the site was almost too laggy to go on and not many people were on. Even if said site is now gone, many people still have valuable memories on it.

Happy birthday Tubble, even if we knew from the start it wasn’t going to stay long.

-🎶

I'm not as fancy sounding as Lullaby with telling you about what tubble actually was, but i can tell you about a few things i remember. i remember when i started my first account, I became a god somehow. then my second account I became OfficialFatherTubble, and while that was a mess, it was also amazing. I am so thankful for everyone i met on that account (and the 18 accounts after) and am so thankful for all the time I spent there, I was on there almost daily for a bit. Happy birthday tubble, and somewhat thank you Tubbo for the memories you gave me and for the friends I have now because of you.

-🌻

Uhh okay. Happy Borthday tubble. From the lore to the memories and friends, you /pos changed my life. We will miss the site and hold it dearly in our hearts. As someone who observed more and gave up on trying to do lore I know I'm not the only one who had their lives somewhat changed. I will try to never let go of the memories form the crazy festivals and parties to the great people and bonds I have made. Tubble brought me many people I care about and if I didn't stay on the site, I would cry. We love and miss you, people of tubble.

-💀

tubble was the first community where i found people. prior to it, i never managed to find a community or make friends online. without tubble i wouldn't be who i am today. i am grateful for all the silly moments and even the bad ones because they helped me grow up a little. it inspired me to be creative, to be goofy. for once in my life i didn't have to cover up the parts of myself that people deemed "weird" or "obsessive" or "dumb". happy birthday to the site that brought me my amazing partner and my amazing siblings. this site gave me a family and i would choose to sign up for that account on that day all over again. today is my account's one year. by the end i had a reaction score of over 40k and over 4000 tubble posts. thank you to everyone who i met along the way and who i still talk to today.

-🐀

[graceshouldwrite]

How to Finish Your 1st Draft (underrated tips!)

instagram: @ grace_should_write

Hey y’all :) Thought I’d revisit this topic because I have been writing later drafts and revision for the last 2 years—the last time I first-drafted was literally in 2020. I started first-drafting again late last year, and am still doing so this year. 

I’m still rediscovering my plotting/plantsing process, and thought that a refresher would help me, too. I hope you find this post somewhat useful (and that these tips aren’t just for delusional people like me)!

∘₊✧────── ☾☼☽ ──────✧₊∘

1. Find your dedication

The dedication is so, SO underrated—many people think of it as just something you slap on after you’re finished the book, but I like to see it as also one more reason why you’re writing it. 

Maybe you wrote a book featuring a found family group of kids from slums because you yourself grew up in those conditions, or you know/sympathize with people who did. Making sure that readers facing a similar situation will feel uplifted when they experience your book could be something that motivates you to finish. 

For example, my working dedication for my current WIP goes something like this:

To anyone who has yearned for more and failed—all the part-idealist, part-pragmatist, ambitious, “average” kids who will “never amount to anything more,” I’m betting on you. Keep burning those dreams for fuel.  Cling onto them whenever you feel like you will become anything but great. Until you stop betting on yourself, it’s not over. 

As someone whose often struggled to fulfil my own visions, despite having a grand plan for my own future, I—like anyone else—have encountered lots of obstacles and learned to survive on my own. We’ve all learned resilience. 

This dedication reminds me who I’m writing for: myself, and anyone else who identifies with it. I hope that my book can inspire readers on the cusp of giving up. I hope this book can provide readers on their sigma male grindset with a thrilling rush that spurs them on even more. 

Whenever I feel unmotivated, this is where I go. And, for the most part, it works! 

(Of course, you can treat your dedication as a “work” of its own. Feel free to keep revising it and editing it until you’re happy with it)

2. Look at fan art

It can’t just be me who looks at fan art and gets inspired by specific poses or scenes and then adds those scenes into my book. Come on. 

Pretty straightforward. Just search up “fan art for _____,” fan art for a specific fandom you’re into, or even “character scene/pose ideas” on Google or Pinterest. 

Personally, I like doing this more than browsing those “book idea” posts that are followed with actual text explaining the idea—looking at art with little to no text can force you to do the work in describing the scene, pose, or character expression. 

These scenes tend to help you be specific, creating memorable scenes for your readers. Examples of inspiration I’ve taken from fanart is: 

A firework kiss scene

“I got your back!” type trope, where two or more characters fight back to back. IN THE RAIN! 

Gunfights! 

One character running away while slinging the other across their shoulder

Characters having fun at a festival while wearing flower garlands 

When you’re writing, this can motivate you to get to X scene faster, or to finish your book faster so readers can see your characters doing X thing. At least, works for me! 

3. Find ONE specific writing buddy 

Yes, the writing community is GREAT. But, it can feel a bit detached if you’re always only sharing progress with your large group of followers, instead of someone who knows your WIP inside out. 

Find one person or a small group of specific people. Tell each other EVERYTHING about your WIPs. This will feel a lot more personal, and specificity can also help you finish your book faster when they tell you to “finish writing this chapter to get to this scene!”, or when they hold you accountable to a group writing goal. 

You can also all form a group chat with daily progress motivation and trackers. Personally, NaNoWriMo forums are great for finding people to just overshare your WIP with and motivate each other. 

This way, you guys could also peer review your works periodically. Having another set of eyes on your draft—even when it’s not finished—could give you lots of ideas and guidance on plot direction, characterization, prose, etc.

4. Braindump while listening to a song / playlist

Write to the vibes. Literally just that. 

Are there any songs/playlists that really resonate with you or your WIP? Just play it, maybe even on loop, and type ANY ideas from prose to dialogue to scene ideas and themes. 

It could literally just look something like this (there is some purposefully bad writing just for this example): 

Listening to: [title of your song or playlist]

A: Never thought I’d see you again. B: I know you missed me. *sneer* (Dialogue snippet)

omg they bump into each other on the street and she spills her beer on him and her best friend senses the chemistry (Scene idea)

rivals to lovers (Trope idea)

SILK DRESS. FANCY CLOTHES. YES. (Character design idea) 

overcoming your greatest fear!!!!! (Theme idea)

It’s that easy. You got this, soldier. 

∘₊✧────── ☾☼☽ ──────✧₊∘

I HOPE THIS HELPED ANYONE!!! Writing this definitely helped me LOL

Let me know if you have any questions through responses, re-blogging, or DMing me at @ grace_should_write on IG.  

Happy writing, and have a great day!

- grace <3