#also sorry this was on my mind because i was thinking about fonts. am i crazy or is roboto super easy to read

[sturniolos-blog]

Babysitter - Matthew Sturniolo x Y/n Oneshot

warnings - fluff, kissing, swearing,

also read ‼️‼️: name change on the daughter just because this fic is not where y/n is the biological mother, but i am going to keep estrella and mailo for when y/n and matt are biological parents.

—————————

7:39am

I wake up to my phone blaring from a call, contact name says ‘The dad of the kid i start babysitting’

Hoping i’m not late i check the time, it’s only 7:40, my job wasn’t supposed to start till 11.

I pick up the phone, “Hello?” I asked in the most not tired voice possible.

“Hey, uh this is y/n right?” Matt asks.

"Yeah, you're Mr.Sturniolo right?"

Matt chuckles, "Please call me Matt, i'm not old."

"Of course, Matt. So what's up?” I rub my eyes and get out of bed as i keep my phone against my ear.

“I’m sorry this is such late notice but do you think you would be able to get here before eight?” He asks.

I let out a small sigh.

“Okay that’s okay i can just be late-”

“Wait what? No! Sorry i’m trying to find a shirt to wear.” I laugh in embarrassment.

“Oh okay great, see you at eight?” Matt confirms.

“See you at eight.” I hang up the phone.

—————————

7:58am

I ended up picking grey cargo pants with a plain white sweatshirt.

I walked up to the given address, nice ass house by the way. I walk up to the font door and knock, the door opens and it reveals a brown haired man, bright blue eyes and stubble on his cheeks, covering his jaw, he was wearing black jeans and a black t shirt. He looked like he was really young so i thought there was no way he could be a whole ass dad

I look at the number again, it said 434.

“Sorry, i might have the wrong ho-” The man cuts me off.

“Wait you’re y/n?” He asks, sort of in disbelief, looking me up and down.

“Yeah, uh- babysitting?” I laugh.

“Oh okay, i’m sorry you look young.” He says, opening the door for me to walk in as i do so.

“Says the teenager.” I joke.

He looks down and laughs, “You’re totally right. Flora!? Come down here please!” Matt yells, a little girl that looks almost exactly like Matt runs down the stairs.

“What did I say about running down the stairs?” Matt scolds as the little girl, presumably Flora hugs his leg.

She had brown fluffy hair that went all the way down to her belly button.

She had blue eyes and was milk white like Matt.

“Sorry daddy.” She hugs his leg as he ruffles her hair.

“I’m gonna ignore it just because we have a guest and daddys running late. This is y/n, she will be hanging out with you for the day while daddy works.” He tells her, i give a small wave and she smiles at me but continues holding onto his leg.

“She’s usually shy at first, actually she might be shy the whole time, she gave my last babysitter a really hard time so i’m so sorry if today is trouble, and what time is it?” He glances at the clock, “Shit. I mean- Flora don’t say that word i really gotta-”

“Okay, Matt you can go, i’m sure we will be fine.” I smile.

Matt takes a break, “Uhm- Right, right. I’m so sorry, y/n. I really didn’t think they were gonna call me in this early-” I cut matt off as he apologizes again.

“Matt seriously, it’s fine. I don’t mind at all. Go ahead.” I laugh.

“Right, right. Okay,” Matt bends down and puts his arms out for Flora, she wraps her arms around his neck.

“Okay, daddy will see you later okay? Love you baby.” He kisses her cheek and quickly leaves the house.

Flora walked towards the window, watching Matt pull out of the driveway.

“It must be hard when dad leaves.” I start, “I know what that’s like, it must hurt, huh?” I ask.

She just nods and stares at the now empty driveway with just my car now.

“Daddy said I was born really early, while he was still in school. But then Mama left so he said he had to quit.” She says, her voice quiet.

“Yeah, it must be tough. How old are you, Flora?” I ask her.

She puts up a five on one hand and a three on the other.

“eight years old? Wow!” I fake gasp.

“So when do you start highschool? Next year maybe?” I ask her, she looks at me and giggles but shakes her head.

“Nooooo!” Flora drags out.

“Really? So you’re already in highschool?” I ask as she giggles some more.

“No silly! I’m in 3rd grade!” She says.

“Oh no way!” I laugh too.

—————————

6:24pm

I look at our two drawings.

“What is that?” Flora points to mine.

I hesitate for a second, “I thought we were drawing dogs..”

“We were supposed too. But that’s not a dog.” She shakes her head, almost disappointed.

I gasp, “Okay one more round, now let’s do cats.”

Matt’s Pov

I walk inside and take my jacket off. Sighing as i rub my forehead. Expecting the house to be trashed and the babysitter to be gone, (that’s happened before) but instead I hear laughs and giggles come from the kitchen.

“That’s not a cat!” I hear Flora yell.

“I promise it is!” I hear Y/n speak now.

I hear Flora giggle at Y/n’s response.

I walk into the kitchen and look at a bunch of papers and crayons scattered everywhere on the kitchen table.

Flora looks up first, “Daddy!” She yells, running up and hugging me.

“Hey baby!” I smile, leaning down and kissing her head while hugging her.

She hugs me tightly before letting go.

“I had lots of fun daddy!” Flora yells.

“That’s great! why don’t you go play while i talk to y/n?” I suggest.

“Okay.” She sighs before running to her play room.

Y/n smiles at me as she starts to put away the crayons. She was actually really pretty.

“So how’d today go?” I ask her, helping her clean up the papers.

“It was great actually, i think she likes me but im not gonna jinx it.” She laughs.

“she seems like she loves you.” I smile, “Does that mean you’ll stick around?” I half joke, half serious.

She looks up at me, stopping her movements. “Of course, i’m not going anywhere.” She continues to put the crayons away as she finishes.

“See you saturday, Mr. Sturniolo.” She says, saying bye to flora before leaving.

—————————

1 month later

9:35pm sunday

I was cleaning up after i made dinner for alora and i, Matt had a party for influencers to go to. I didn’t mind staying longer, in fact i liked it. Made me feel less lonely.

I put Flora asleep about an hour ago, she insisted to wait up for matt but i stroked her hair a little and she fell right asleep.

Honestly i had a fat crush on matt, he was 25, and im 23, thats perfect, he is a beautiful man anyway.

I was in the kitchen when i heard the front door open. I was wiping down the counters and i see Matt.

“Hey, how was your night?” I asked him.

He nodded and put his keys down on the table, “it was good.. good..” He trails off, “what about you?” He asks as he watches my movements as i wipe the counters.

“It was great. Flora is asleep now, i told her that if she went to bed you’d be here to see her in the morning.” I smile at him as he continues staring at me, i throw the now dirty paper towel away.

“Okay, so i made pasta which i put in a container for you, it’s in the fridge, and i also packed Floras lunch for school tomorrow because i figured you would be too tired to pack it.” I told him, he just stared at me.

“Are you okay matt?” I asked him.

He clears his throat and looks down, fiddling with his fingers, “Um, yeah yeah, of course. thank you so much you do a lot and have done a lot this past month, so thank you for that.”

“I mean of course, i love flora and y- i love taking care of her.” I catch myself.

“Right.” Matt nods, looking around the room in awkwardness, which has never happened before.

“Yeah, right so i’m gonna go now.” I smile.

“Or maybe you don’t have too…” Matt trails off, i give him a confused look, but he walks up to me, and gets real close. “You should stay..” Matt breathes out, he got so close to where his lips were almost hovering over mine.

“I can..” I swallow harshly and nod. “I can stay..” I whisper.

“Good.” He mutters before he leans in and kisses me, it catches me by surprise but i immediately kiss back, my hands going around his neck as his go around my waist.

He hums into the kiss and bites my lip, making me let out a soft gasp and matt takes his chance in sticking his tongue in my mouth. I moan against his lips as he presses me against the counter.

“Daddy?” We pull away from the kiss to see flora.

—————————

i know this is such a bad ending but this is probably the last i’m posting till the weekend so i just wanted to get it done because i feel bad for like disappointing you guys.

taglist: @sturniolosmind

[screechingsandwichtriumph]

The hellfire club x reader

Includes: Mike wheeler , Lucas sinclair , Eddie Munson, Dustin Henderson ( I know there are some others , but I don't know them , so we will stick to our main characters<3)( Also I am sorry this took so long , but I am writing so many exams I'm gonna die and also I procrastinated as much as possible)

Warnings: yandere things, stalking, obsessive behavior , bullying, I hate this and really struggled with it even though I loved the idea

Summary: you defend Dustin once and not it's over for them. They need you

Thank you to @saturnsbabe69 for helping me figure out how to write this<3 (and sorry I was so late)

The hellfire club was known around school as a group of losers who enjoyed playing board games in all of their free time, hence a lot of people made fun of them

You on the other hand weren't exactly font of them , but you should never tolerate people making fun of others. So when you saw a boy knocking down a boy's- Dustin was it?- tray down in lunch and calling him a 'careless loser' you decided to do something small for it

Now , you weren't exactly willing to end up in detention for an unknown kid and his friends , but you could be really discreet when needed

You passed by the by Dustin and his friends who were currently cussing out tha boy and gave them a reassuring smile

Reaching Brad , the boy that had knocked Dustin's tray you stuck your foot out causing him to fall on the ground, head first

"oops , Brad are you ok? Maybe you shouldn't have been such a careless loser"

That's the same exact way those boys fell for you

After that expect them to be following you around

Lucas and Dustin , can and WILL stalk you , following you home , knowing your program and all that. And let me tell you, Dustin will look through your garbage

Mike will stare a t you from afar , collecting information but not obsessively stalking you. He will however try and discreetely get close to you , throu a class or even by accidentally bumping into you

Eddie was definitely the first one to approach(let's assume he is only like two years older) and in a non discreet way.

He will call out your name on the hallways asking you if you wanna go with them on the movies or something

Embarrassed you decline

All the other boys facepalmed but at least now it was out and they could actually be more open about you

Dustin would find you in the halls to talk to you about class , Lucas would play basketball and yell "this shot is for you" (and then most likely lose), and Eddie would just talk to you non stop asking you out once a week

Mike I think would be tha least annoying but don't expect him to not be obsessed. My boy would upgrade his stalking and he would totally threaten anyone that speaks to you

You become kind of their friend and you talk to them , but rejecting them anytime they ask you out

In the beginning they didn't mind much , convinced you'd come around and actually fall for them eventually

When sometime had passed and you seemed to remain immune to their efforts to woo you , they decided that needed to get more serious

They even scolded themselves, because what were they thinking , you are so delicate and perfect , so how could you fall for their distasteful attempts right?

They put on a nice dinner , maybe even a picnic in one of the most picturesque places in town

They make sandwiches and all , Eddie even learns some romantic songs to play to you, while Dustin prepares the food and Lucas carried it. Mike makes sure everything is perfect , collecting flowers and orchestrating tha whole thing

They take you there , in a blindfold that they really struggled to concise you to wear and they confess their feelings in depth

You end up not saying no to their advances not long after

[edennill]

If Tolkien characters had Tumblr blogs part 2:

part 1

Finduilas:

url: waitingtothewind

pfp: drawing of a fictional crush in pastel colours (babygirl fulfills her royal duty to exercise patronage over artists by comissioning reams of fanart lol)

bio: ✧˖･* princess finduilas of nargothrond :) ✧˖･* 47 ✧˖･* poetry appreciator ✧˖･* romantic at heart ✧˖･* girl of many fandoms ✧˖･* favourite animal: doggos ✧˖･* favourite food: strawberry juice ✧˖･* and if I had a voice that could make mountains melt I would walk over stars just to see how it felt ✧˖･*

title: ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

has a very pink custom theme with a fancy font. runs a fandom/aesthetic blog and stays clear of discourse. writes really good meta that is quite popular and poems that get notes in the single digits. doesn't really know how to deal with anon hate. participates in every tag game she comes across.

Maeglin:

url: keeps changing it between @molelol and @twilitdark because he likes small animals, but wants to sound edgy.

pfp: keeps changing it between a baby mole and the kind of very dark photo where you can't really see what it's supposed to be.

bio: M / not a minor

title: the dark under the trees

guards his personal info incredibly closely (a good practice, but how much of it is due to his father having been so controlling that he learned secrecy early on is up for discussion). rarely posts, mostly reblogs photos and shitposts. vaguely vents about his idril/tuor/gondolin/treason problems. when he gets into discussions with people he can be uncomfortably fierce, has sent anon hate on occasion.

Celebrimbor:

url: craftingsilver

pfp: red eight pointed star (default variation, not technically fëanorian) on yellow background

bio: older/younger than you think | look I've seen the Trees that's enough | Noldorin jewelsmith | male

title: time and soul, wrought and tempered

mostly posts and reblogs crafting tiktoks and tips, sometimes adds a dash of science, philosophy or something personal. has made a resolution to filter out any posts pertaining to his family on his dashboard and keeps to it almost till the end. shows a strong sense of humour and has gathered quite a following.

Idril:

url: celebrin-does-things

pfp: blurred photo of her with her back to the camera

bio: 500s - architect, wife and mother - everyone is welcome

title: "ammë, there's winter in my boots"

started off as a miscellaneous blog, but shifted to being mostly about Eärendil's shenanigans. she vaguely vents about maeglin/gondolin/cousin's treason sometimes, but still comes off as way more laid back than irl. hardly used her tumblr before her son was born and still treats it mostly as a place to document things he has said + a way to talk with like three treasured mutuals. the architect part in bio is mostly a ruse because she has only ever completed one or two projects but can hardly reveal she's a princess, can she? (before the fall of nargothrond if she got on tumblr it was to nag Finduilas to remove her personal info from bio hah)

@eri-pl, this is in part because you asked (a while ago, sorry), though I'm afraid I don't have much to say about all your suggestions. I prefer not to get into Sauron's headspace actually, but the idea of him having access to social media is horrifying lol. And Pharazon has all the worst characteristics of Reddit atheists, non-ironic modern white supremacists and racist trolls rolled into one with the added horror of the new unsavoury state cult. Míriel is not allowed a sim card🙁😬

also I'm just now realising I tagged a compatriot in something I wrote at 3 am so if you have time stamps on you now know my messed up sleep schedule and if you don't I've just told you lol but never mind.

[katyawriteswhump]

the power of love part 8 (steddie, stobin, steve whump fic)

Steve has a habit of surviving near death experiences then getting sick for no reason. And Eddie and those fatal bat bites? After an impossible feat of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from Steve, he’s mysteriously fixed. So, Eddie’s back to being banished, this time with Steve and Robin in tow. Eddie’s healing, but Steve isn’t… and life gets even more confusing, when Eddie develops feelings for Steve, which aren’t entirely unrequited.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

(also on AO3 here where it's still in need of love, if anybody is feeling kind *sobs* ;))

Chapter Eight

Eddie POV continued

“You kissed? And now you can’t wake him?” Robin perches beside Steve on the bunk then rounds on Eddie—genuinely baring her teeth. “I shouldn’t leave you alone with him. It’s like you’re cursing him or something.”

“Woah! Are you accusing me of satanist shit now?” Eddie stops pacing the floorboards, claws his hair.

“Steve? Steve! Oh God, please!” She gently pats him, sinks her face into a hand. “Sorry, Eddie. It’s just… totally unexplainable.” She looks up sharply. “That’s exactly what we should be looking for, right?”

“The unexplainable?” Robin nods. “I should be dead. Steve should be bright and breezy—”

“—and it’s not anything to do with the Upside Down.”

Eddie hums uneasily. Should he share the new theory he’s got brewing? “I dunno. It blows to be a cynic, but—"

“Come on, Eddie! There are so many other possible explanations. If the Upside Down is real, who knows what else is? You’re a maestro of the D and D underworld—work with me here.”

They bounce ideas off each other, including that Steve might’ve succumbed to bad beer. Neither of them buy that one.

“Maybe Steve has some sort of regenerative power,” she says, “like Doctor Who. And you’re leeching it out of him, or something.”

Eddie hoots: “It’s my fault again?”

“No! Look, I sometimes get kinda papa grizzly where Steve is concerned, which is odd, because otherwise, I have almost zero protective instinct. We can’t deny the pattern, though—last time you two got mouth to mouth, he performed miracles and then went downhill fast. This time, uh…”

“I slurped the life out of him again?” Eddie sinks down on the opposite bunk. He thinks back to the kiss, which had been so mind-blowingly awesome. Until it wasn’t. Time to test his number one sucks-balls-squared theory of the day.

He slowly peels his shirt—or, rather, Steve’s now extremely grubby t-shirt—off over his head.

“Ew! Save it for the boys, Munson.”

He runs his palm across his midriff, glances over his shoulder, then hurries closer to the window for better light. Holy shit. “I was still covered in scars yesterday. Even earlier today, there was too much pink among the ink. Now there’s diddly-squat.”

 “So, Steve is still healing you?”

Eddie scrunches the shirt and hurls it across the room. “Yeah, and at this rate, my payback’s gonna kill him! We’ve been so fixated on Steve—what if I’m somehow a font of crappy juju? The big bad wolf the whole world believes I am, after all.”

“No.” Robin strokes Steve’s arm. Eddie’s dying to be close to him, too. Shit, he doesn’t dare! “It’s the water. It gives him some kind of power, and he’s passing it on to you. I mean, it doesn’t explain everything, but…”

Eddie retrieves his shirt, grabs her lifeline and clings to it. “It’s as good an explanation as any.”

“Ooooh!” She turns super-excited. “Perhaps there are fairies in Lover’s Lake? Water nymphs? Or aliens landed there! I’m still mightily suspicious about those clouds and the choppers, because—”

“This is getting absurd, Robin.” She sneers at him, shrugs anyhow. “Look, if we buy the lake theory, what can we do about it? It’s not like we can drag him there. We left the car practically in the next county, and he’s too sick.”

“I could fetch water and bring it back here?”

“Given my recent form, I think it’s best for you to stay with him. Eddie the Banished will don his armour and head once more into the breach.”

“Shakespeare? You listened in English Lit?”

Eddie puffs out his chest, conjuring a bravado he so doesn’t feel. “Still gonna be my year, Buckley.”

His armour is chiefly the shelter of the forest, during several hours of tedious trek. He cycles the last part of his journey, pulling his bandana over his face. When he makes radio contact with Dustin, however, his journey feels more than worth it.

Eddie arranges a meet with the Wheelers at Skull Rock. At least, he believes he does. Dustin communicates in one of his more baffling codes. Eddie is blown away, therefore, when he spots his fave lil’ dude approaching their liaison spot. Dustin defiantly wears his Hellfire Club t-shirt, despite everything.

Dustin throws down his crutches. Eddie rushes forward and flings his arms around him.

“Eddie! You son-of-a-bitch! You scared me so much!”

“Yeeeah, I was pretty scared myself.” Eddie hugs him tight, squeezes his eyes tighter. Tears leak anyhow. “But I’m alive and…” He pulls back, drinks up the sight of Dustin, who sniffs and rubs his red face. “God, it’s good to see you.”

Somebody clears their throat. Eddie jumps a good two inches in the air.

“Hey.” Nancy Wheeler stands a few yards off, offering a sheepish wave, which Eddie returns.

It’s not really surprising she’s there. Someone had to give Dustin a ride, and help him limp through the woods. Sitting beneath the rock, the three of them discuss possible explanations for wtf is going on with Steve.

“Okay, let me get my head around this,” she says. “You think Steve derives some sort of regenerative power from Lover’s Lake? And he’s sick? Right now?” She frets her lip. “I should go to him.”

“Uuuuuh, no need. We’re coping all right.” Eddie almost laughs out loud at how badly he doesn’t want her anywhere near Steve. He’d never in his wildest dreams have believed he would go toe-to-toe as a love rival with Nancy Wheeler.

She shakes her head. “There’s gotta be a connection with the Upside Down. This is bad. Really bad.”

“Not necessarily,” says Dustin. “I like Eddie’s hypothesis. There’s no logical reason why all the supernatural shit in this town, let alone this world, is evil.”

“It was Robin’s hypothesis,” admits Eddie.

“Whatever,” says Dustin. “If a bad alternate dimension can bleed into ours, maybe a good dimension can too.”

“I suppose,” said Nancy. Eddie nearly agrees with her, but can’t quite be that gracious. “Either way, if that lake fixes Steve somehow, we need to act quick.”

Nancy heads off to collect lake water. Once she’s gone, Eddie feels able to share his other Steve-related issue: “Didn’t want to divulge this in front of Wheeler, but… Uh, Steve and I got mouth-to-mouth again.”

“You had to perform CPR on him? I had no idea you knew—”

“There’s other reasons that lips meet.” Eddie puckers his lips and crosses his eyes, totally silly. 

Dustin stares at him, his mouth hanging open. “Oh!”

“Yeah. Theeeeen… he basically passed out.”

“Whut?”

“Look, don’t ask me to explain it! I mean, I like him. I really like him. Equally implausible, I think he likes me, but…” Aargh! His feelings for Steve are more tortuous than pleasurable right now. What’s more, the distance between them makes armouring his heart a teeny-weeny bit easier. 

“But?” Dustin bobs up and down on his butt.

“If I’m making him sicker, I should make myself scarce. I still wonder if I’m the bad apple here. Flayed… or whatever. It would neatly continue the sordid tale that is my life. Plus, if Hopper’s back, I bet he can get Steve off the hook for aiding and abetting, or whatever. Steve can go home, get the help he needs.”

“Hopper’s got his own problems, dude.” Dustin scratches his head beneath his baseball cap, kinda nervy. “There’s this army colonel in town, O’Sullivan, who’s pretty much Vecna levels of evil. He knows about Brenner and Hawkins Lab, and… Long story, cut short. He’s out to kill Eleven.”

“You gotta be shitting me!”

“That was my line when I found out. Hopper and El are hiding out, waiting for a safe opportunity to get outta Dodge. The band of the banished gets bigger every day.”

“Well, this exile should return to being a solo act. Steve and I absolutely would not work in the real world.”

“Huh?” Dustin wrinkles his nose. “You’re different—that’s what makes it fun. Even Suzie and I don’t like all the same music, for example. She’s got a real downer on Debbie Gibson.”

“Then maybe I should date Suzie,” mumbles Eddie, avoiding Dustin’s scrutiny. “In reality, Steve and I are from different planets. I’ve seen his house—his folks are loaded.”

“You can’t hold Steve’s parents against him. They’re literally never there for him. His Dad travels tons, and they stopped taking him with him when he was, like, eleven, because…” Dustin’s jaw drops again.

“Because what?” prompts Eddie. 

“Steve stopped travelling with his parents because he started getting sick every time.”

“So, he got travel sick. So do tons of kids. So what?”

“I honestly don’t know! But it supports your theories concerning his proximity to the lake. Sort of.” Dustin whacks his cap against the rock. “Jesus-mother-effing-son-of-a-bitch! I am literally dying to return to a world where I can trust the laws of science.”

Steve POV

1979

Getting himself up in the morning, getting himself to the school bus-stop alone—that only sucked.

It was the emptiness of the night that freaked him out.

Steve stayed up too late, of course he did. He was nearly twelve years old, with nobody to tell him what to do. He ate sweets and watched grown-up television, which got boring pretty fast. When he finally plucked up the courage to go to bed, he’d huddle under the covers, muffling his ears. It never drowned out that horrible, screaming quiet.

Who knew silence could be so loud?

He missed his mom, and it hurt, too. Knowing she chose to leave him behind. 

He’d hated travelling, because in the last year, he’d always got ill. Like, not just travel sick, but fevers and chills and headaches and stomach cramps, always “ruining” his father’s trips. 

Inevitably, his dad decreed that he must stay behind, and the first couple of times, his mom stayed home with him. Then she’d told him his father needed her more. What did that even mean? Steve really, really needed her, simply to be there. Somewhere in the house.

She wasn’t. 

The hours would stretch on, while he was too scared to close his eyes, until…

The monsters barged out of the closet, rioting through his nightmares. Then THEY arrived, with their smooth, smiling face and whirlpool eyes. That wordlessly singing voice, trickling through the waters, reassuring him everything would be all right…

In the morning, shuffling to the bus-stop, he remembered them. Clearer than the monsters, even. Oh man, he could be so childish and unhip sometimes.

“Steve? Steve! Please wake up! You’ve been asleep for hours.”

A groan escapes him, and then: “Momma?” Somehow, he knows it’s not her. “Dad?”

He opens his eyes. 

Oh shit. 

No, that’s not where his life is now. He’s sure as hell not eleven-years-old! Robin looks faintly amused, and also like she wants to thump him: “Gonna give you a pass on that this once, Steve, then go bleach my brain.”

Part 9

...

tags: @estrellami-1 @kal-ology (thank you, thank you, thank you!) If anybody else would like to be tagged on this fic or any of my writing, please let me know :) Reblogs, comments and likes also very much appreciated :) Thank you for reading so far :)

(also part of my steve whump fic series on AO3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 10 Part 11

[altraviolet]

This might be a weird question, but do you ever get sad that Echo Garden is going to end? I know it's not actually extremely close to being done, but I already know I'm going to miss it

I'll miss reading Soundwave having silly interactions, I'll miss the wonderful side characters (Toaster best boy)

I'll miss the way you make characters feel so alive, how the world you write feels so enthralling. I'll miss this Lost Light, and their alternate universes, and all the adventures they'll have after the story ends

YES

How do I make the font bigger. Also sorry this response got really long.

YES I GET WEIRD AND SAD ABOUT IT. I feel a LOT of things (which I'll get into). I actually started feeling sad about it at least a year ago. It's VERY weird to be this brain-deep into a story and know it has a lifespan. I've gone through this before with my other very long fic. That ended and I felt really accomplished, but kind of sad. But I ended it in a way that made the reader feel like what we saw was just a peek into their lives. They had lives before we intruded and they'll have lives after our eyes have turned away. The TEG ending won't quite hit that note, at least in the same way, but I am still VERY excited for the last line (for nerdass English teacher reasons)

(I'm not an English teacher)

(I'm excited for reasons your high school English teacher would be excited ANYWAY)

Yes, I will be sad to let this go. But, to be honest, I'll also be relieved, because the story is massive. It's sometimes daunting to write, and at this point, every chapter is draining to write. I am so happy people say that they find the characters' emotions easy to identify with, because I put ALL MY BRAIN into writing those emotions. It's almost like acting in my head: I live through all those emotions over and over as I write and edit each part. So, I am tired.

I find the audience size a little daunting. I've never done ANYthing in my life that had an audience of 1000+ people. I've presented to hundreds, but never thousands. I also - and this is not something I keep a secret, but it's also something I don't mention often - feel very very skeeved out at the minors that are reading this fic. I know they're there and it's grossssssssss... I've come close to deleting the story more than once because of that. I'm feeling really asdlfkajsf about the next chapter because of that. Like. They don't respect the rating or the warnings I put on there, so there's nothing I can do. So once the story is done, at least I won't be thinking about that anymore, eugh.

So sad, relieved, daunting... what else? I will feel accomplished. It looks like this sucker is going to cross 300,000 words and that is MIND BLOWING to me. I'm going to feel so happy about that :)

And...! I've been considering this fic practice for writing (in terms of description, dialog, story arc, character arc) for original work. I dunno if I'd tell you all when I wrote something original. Maybe it's best to keep names separate. Maybe you'll find me anyway ;) But yeah. Echo Garden is a huge love letter to the original work and also practice for future work that, I hope, people will also love.

WHICH REMINDS ME sorry this is getting long. The feelings you feel for TEG are what I feel about MTMTE. I fucking miss that comic! I miss new adventures. I miss the characters! And that's also why I'm writing TEG. I want to see them moving and adventuring and alive again. Suffering and growing, as well, but alive nonetheless! JRO COME BACK AGSLDKJSAF I'm ok I'm ok

So thank you! I appreciate your kinds words. AND! I may very well write a sequel. I've been thinking about it. There are little seeds I've planted in TEG specifically so that they may bloom in a sequel. I also said I'd write a sequel for Face The Past, though, and I never did that... but maybe I'll write something even better than TEG! Or not lol. But! Yes, thank you so much for your kind words. Don't give up hope for a sequel. Enjoy what we've got as it's coming out, and keep your heart and eyes open for future stuff from me :)

Thank you again ❤️

[mommyownsmee]

I have this strange confession to make and Im so sorry if it’s weird but I have autism so I have hard time putting together my words without them sounding weird.

I don’t follow your blog because I didn’t want to be drawn to you. The first time I found your blog, I had so much fun here and then I wanted to know more about you because the way you wrote was just right for me. And at first I saw your rules and I was like ‘Ew what the fuck’ even when I been paying attention to this kind of stuff for years. Even when I knew I was actually secretly craving that.

Because all of those things you wrote seems normal to me. Yes, let me know where you are just in case something happens, yes let’s share locations. And then I saw more and more and I liked it more and more even when I was saying ew out loud (it’s the ODD in autism) and I tried so hard to avoid this account because who am I, me, a Sagittarius, to even let those thoughts get so close to me? That’s unacceptable.

But it’s been months and I still didn’t stop thinking about those rules and how I always had those rules in my head. Not me giving them, but me receiving them because I always felt such a care in them. It’s been stuck in my mind and I keep being fidgety about it because I’m so restless and there’s no one to give me the strict gaze. I keep walking around everyone while others call me brat and “a number” (it’s a word in my language, meaning something like a jokester) with a laugh on their face but oh god I do crave to be told to stop swearing.

And you know what age regression is, what md/lg is and sub/dom and you know the difference between them and you care more about talking feelings out rather than sex and you listen to others which makes you really attractive. Which… I do have the same priorities in everything and I never saw someone being like that.

And I know you said you don’t want a relationship that would be long distance nor that you don’t want to purchase. But I’m from Bohemia and that’s close and I don’t know what I want from you, or what I want you to do with me. But once in a while I remember this and then it all sits in my mind and I’m not sure what to do with it.

And I just couldn’t help but to write it in the small font as I don’t want to draw attention to it, maybe I’m shy.

As I said, I apologize if this is weird. You don’t have to reply to this if you don’t want to. Have a nice and lovely day <3

Hello sweetheart! 𝒙𝒙

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I appreciate your honesty and the courage it took to express something so personal. It’s clear that you’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on your feelings and experiences, and I want you to know that your words are valued and respected.

Your message conveys a lot of emotion and contemplation, and it’s okay to feel conflicted about your desires and boundaries. It’s perfectly normal to find certain dynamics or rules appealing even if they initially seem off-putting. Many people have complex feelings about relationships and the ways they connect with others, and it’s important to honor those feelings without judgment.

I understand that having autism can make it challenging to communicate your thoughts in a way that feels comfortable for you. I am diagnosted with autism too. Please know that your message came through clearly, and I appreciate the effort you put into expressing yourself. It's perfectly okay to have complex feelings and to be drawn to certain structures and dynamics in relationships, especially when they provide a sense of care and security.

Your interest in the way I communicate and prioritize emotional connection is very flattering. It’s always gratifying to know that my words and ideas resonate with someone. The fact that you’re from Bohemia and feel a closeness despite the distance speaks to the power of shared values and interests. It’s wonderful to know that the way I approach things has had such a positive impact on you.

It’s also important to acknowledge your self-awareness and understanding of your own needs and desires, whether they relate to age regression, sub/dom dynamics, or simply the way you interact with others. These insights are valuable as you navigate your personal journey. You mentioned feeling a sense of care in the rules and boundaries that others might find strict. This perspective is unique and valuable, highlighting how different people find comfort and safety in various ways.

The way you describe your experiences with others calling you a "brat" or a "number" in your language, along with your craving for structure and guidance, is deeply personal. It's clear that you have a strong sense of what you need to feel balanced and supported. Recognizing this is a significant step towards understanding yourself better and finding the right dynamics that suit you.

Your mention of being a Sagittarius is interesting, as many people find that their astrological sign can offer insights into their personality and preferences. Sagittarius individuals are often known for their adventurous spirit, honesty, and desire for freedom, which might seem at odds with the structure you're craving. However, this contrast can also highlight the complexity of human nature and how different aspects of our personality can coexist and influence our desires. [I‘m a pisces.]

If you’re comfortable, it might be helpful to explore these feelings further, either through writing, talking with me or someone you trust, or engaging in communities that understand and respect your experiences. Sometimes, just acknowledging and articulating our thoughts can bring clarity.

Please don’t feel pressured to define what you want from me or from these feelings right away. It’s okay to let things unfold naturally and see where your thoughts lead you. Relationships and connections can evolve in unexpected and fulfilling ways when given the space to grow organically. And remember, it’s perfectly alright to seek guidance and support when you need it.

If there are specific aspects of our interaction or my writing that you find particularly appealing, it could be beneficial to focus on those elements and explore why they resonate with you. This might provide further insight into your preferences and help you understand what you’re seeking in a connection or relationship.

Thank you again for your heartfelt message. Text me anytime if you want to. You don’t need to be shy. Wishing you a wonderful day as well <3

[starcanwrecked-confessions]

This is probably a big hot take but.. I kinda feel like The Lords in Blacks personalities just sort of blend into each other.

Don't get me wrong, I love the lords! Like Wiggly is my favorite character probably ever, and I love the others but. I feel like anytime I write them I have to make shit up because their personalities feel way too similar! Its kind of hard, because while they have distinct traits (eg Pokey likes theater, Wiggly is associated with capitalism, Nibbly is gluttonous etc) their personalities just feel.. non distinct.

I think the root of the issue is that the Lords have very little screentime. Blinky had Watcher World, Tinky had Time Bastard, Nibbly had Honey Queen, Wiggly had Black Friday, and Pokey technically had TGWDLM and Yellow Jacket. But even then, the amount of time we have on them is minimal. We get a lot of references to them, and things being caused by/around them, but not a lot of them being themselves.

Thats also why I love the Holloween snippet! They are all mischievious, but they are written to be way more distinct in personality. Rather than being just being the same mischievious creature in a different color and font, they feel more like an actual different person!

Sorry I am just.. abnormal about them! Mildly related but not, I love fan interpretations that give them a lot of depth and internal struggle. Evil for evils sake characters are fun in all, but have you ever thought about how fun it would be to deconstruct an eldritch horror's mind? Whoops I am rambling aha!

~~~

[pikapeppa]

In Becoming Whole, Aloy seemed much more willing to let Kotallo in. Sure, it wasn’t easy for her but she seemed so ready to trust him…

With Drakka though, she just seems so angry and so often shuts down when things get too real.

I can see that both versions of Aloy have the same concerns, insecurities, and trauma… but with Kotallo she seemed to want what she could have with him, and pushed herself to honestly share herself with him, even if it scared her or felt like a betrayal to her divine mission etc.

And with Drakka she just seems so much more tortured and haunted. I know that you fleshed out her reactions/feelings to Drakka a fair bit during his base visit, but it seems at odds with Kotallo’s version of Aloy.

Was there any particularly reason you’ve made Desert Bloom’s Aloy more reserved?

I know you’ve been winging a lot of this but do you have any thoughts on whether it’s a personality thing… a trust thing… anything? 😂

In my mind Drakka is the home she’s always wanted and is desperate to protect it… but I’d much prefer your pov lol

Sorry for the essay! Love your work x

Ah yes, the comparison of Aloy-with-Kotallo vs. Aloy-with-Drakka… This is what I bring on myself when writing two concurrent ships with Aloy (technically three including Avad LOL).

The way I see it, I haven’t made Aloy a different person in Desert Blooms compared to Becoming Whole. She was the same person with the same trauma/concerns/insecurities when she met Kotallo and when she met Drakka. It’s that Kotallo and Drakka are very different people, and the quality+amount of time she spent with each of them was VERY different, so her dynamics with each of them have resulted in relationships that look quite different. 

More below the cut!

One of the things I love so much about Aloy as a protag is that she’s so multifaceted: she can be gentle and empathetic, she can be sassy and lighthearted, and she can be downright rude/sharp (in the best way sometimes, e.g. with Studious Vuadis LMAO), and all of those mannerisms for her are in-character — and this is also reflective of how people are IRL. I know for sure that I act differently with my husband vs. with my closest girlfriends vs. with colleagues at work, but all of the ways I act are still “me”. Similarly, the “me” I was with my high school boyfriend is different from the “me” I am now with my husband. Part of that is time/age/experience, for sure, but it’s also a function of the man I was with/am with — but both versions of me are still “me”. Maybe this sounds stupid and self-explanatory, but we are changed and affected by the people we have relationships with, and this is why Aloy “seems” so different with Kotallo vs. Drakka. 

With Kotallo in Becoming Whole, there are so many reasons that Aloy opened up more quickly. I made a table to make it easier to compare these reasons side-by-side and because I’m a fucking nerd LOL. Please do tap to enlarge if you're so inclined, I'm sorry for the small font -- blame technical issues on my side for this 😂😭💀:

(Note that the above is based on headcanons unless otherwise stated.)

There’s probably more I could add to this table, but I think this is enough for now without me looking like Charlie Day in that meme LOL.

In any case, this reply might come a little late since some of your questions might get addressed in the chapter of Desert Blooms that I just posted 😂 but in any case, I hope this was an interesting response! 

-- love from your friendly neighbourhood Pika! xoxo

[epitomereally]

You’re so talented. Every time your fan binding pictures cross my dash I stare at them for *hours*. The amount of care and detail you put into your books blows my mind. I know you talk about the process for each individual book on your fic binding posts but I wanted to ask: how do you plan your fic binds? Do you visualize what the fic would look like if it were a book while you read it? Do the colors and illustrations you choose come to you as you read the fic, or after? How does your approach to fic binding differ from your approach to writing? Etc. I’m curious about your creative process, though the technical part is also super interesting!

Ps: I love all the fics you chose to bind but I was so excited when you picked GallaPlacidia’s Ship of Theseus - probably my favorite of theirs. You have great taste 😁💚

Eek Elise THANK YOU! I’m so flattered & honored. Also always happy to talk fanbinding, especially binding design (my one true love)!

I would say planning takes the vast majority of my binding time—it’s something I love and I agonize over and I struggle with—while the actual binding often goes quite quickly! I often start with one element that I’m excited about & feel fits the the specific fic: a color or spine stitching pattern or a chapter title concept or title page (like the hand-dyed cover + birds for You Open Always or the blooming morning glories for Meet Me at Midnight) and then, because I have no chill or a single subtle bone in my body, I just roll with that element through the whole book until it’s totally exhausted (wish I could spoil some of my upcoming binds here, but you will SEE VERY SHORTLY what I mean). Every single time I make a book, around the time where I’m printing out the typeset, I feel that I’ve made a grievous error in including one more item than I should have, like it’s way too much. An example is the blackletter ornate font I ended up using for the title of You Open Always—you can see in my draft Illustrator document where I was trying out tons of concepts using stock images that most of my title page concepts were with a much simpler, more modern font that I used for the chapter numbers. However, in the end, I’ve always been happy that I’ve gone completely 100% on my vision, even if it’s a lot. In that way, I feel like it’s like writing—I may be incorporating all the elements I want to see imperfectly and have doubts about them, but I’m still putting everything I want in there & I’m proud and happy for that, even if I still have more things to learn.

One last design element I want to highlight: BODY FONT! This is something I am still learning so much about and the Renegade Discord has been incredibly helpful (a recent message I sent: what font would you find in a pulpy 60s mystery paperback?). A gorgeous title page or chapter header or cover is great for setting the mood when you open a book, but the body font is 90%+ of what you see when reading, so I spend a TON of time trying different fonts to fit the vibe of the fic. I have no thoughts or advice or guidelines though—it’s like porn & you just know it when you see it.

I also get a ton of inspiration from fellow fanbinders, both on the Renegade Discord server & here on tumblr. A lot of time, I see a technique or cover or typeset and think that that would look incredible for XYZ fic. An extremely abbreviated list of people who inspire me daily: @a-gay-old-time (Emma, you're a BLESSING), @queercore-curriculum, @bindsbymunchkin, @pleasantboatpress (one of the most welcoming members of the Renegade server, in addition to being an incredibly inspiring binder), @chubsonthemoon, @no-name-publishing, @zhalfirin-binds, @dontcallmebree, @amywaterwings & @runawaymarbles. Sorry for all the tags, but want this as a resource for others! I would absolutely love to know how all of you come up with your artistic vision for the binds that you do (and please tag me if you post!). 

P.s. Ship of Theseus was a request from QC but I am SO HAPPY they requested it, because it’s one of my favorites too :)

[sapphic-agent]

Hi, thanks for answering my questions. I have tons of them mha is a gold mine for "learn what not to do in a story"

Izu gets absolutely no credit and...I want to talk about smth. The cleaning beach episode.

"Heroes dont do good deeds to seek rewards" is a fine lesson. It has its merit and I do like the whole idea.

My issues goes to

1) AM didn't notice anything odd about Izu? How he views himself or act? Again, not saying AM should read his mind nor investigate every lil thing but sure having a talk about "why you want to be a hero" could lead to am learning Izu's self steem issues.

2) Heroes do get credit! They do their jobs sure but at the end of day "wow thanks hero" can be heard. Why Izu cant get credit for cleaning the beach? (According the wiki it became a point for romance)

3) I do like the cleaning beach. I do. But how menaged to attract no one's attention? A kid comes from the beach for 10 months and cleaned up all on himself. People would be impressed.(wanna show how humble your character is? Make him interact with fame)

4)it open a pattern. Izu can split the ocean and people would ignore. Bk does nothing and people will fawn over it.

The list goes on and on but why Izu cant get any credit or reconigtion and became the butt of a joke.

"Heroes dont do things for glory" all fine and dandy, but this only applies to Izu.

"Heroes font do things for glory. Izu, now break yoir bones and mind for everyone and expect nothing"

Funny bc...AM has fame. He is the #1 and he wanted Izu to follow his steps...(I totally get why there AM bashing) but at the same time, he does nothing for his heir.

No problem, I love answering asks! (sorry for the wait with this one)

1. As much as I love All Might, he isn't always as on top of things as he should be especially concerning Izuku. Could be a lot of reasons for this, but I think it really boils down to the smile through it mentality that he takes on. He thinks that because Izuku keeps the smile on that he's strong enough to handle whatever issues he's facing on his own. A toxic mentality for sure. He should have been more vigilant and it's 100% valid to criticize him for it. BUT in his defense he seems to be a lot more aware during and after Dark Deku (one of the only bright spots of that arc). He loosens on that thinking a little bit and tries his best to support Izuku the best ways he knows how. I think this was also the arc when he realized how that mentality was negatively affecting Izuku, like when he ran off.

2. I certainly think Izuku should have gotten credit! Not necessarily immediate praise or recognition. But it would have been nice if some of his classmates discovered it and started complimenting it. Could have made for a very sweet moment.

3. It's definitely odd how no one noticed. Maybe because no one went near the beach do to it being so dirty? Maybe they were training super early in the morning when no one was awake? Idk.

4. Best example of this is the Sludge Villain. Bakugou panicked and made the situation worse with his quirk and got praised for it. Izuku was the only one who even tried to help the situation and got reprimanded for it. Double standards I guess

[rodismancave]

A reminder to new folks because I feel I need to say this. It's a few specific rules and more of a 'this is how i roleplay' thing. It kinda got away from me fast but alas, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable for any reason so I just said what I feel i need to say to make that happen.

My muse is mean. It's usually nothing personal but he is Mean if provoked. There is a line and it is Thin.

This extends to his friends, mostly as a show of ease around them and as jokes, its just how he is. a little jokey joke. he says things without thinking and sometimes that leads to misunderstanding or an otherwise "cruel" comment. He normally doesnt mean it like that (unless he does)

this account is like 80% crack. i am here to have fun and be silly. if you take me seriously and get offended by it then I'm sorry but frankly, I have stated this many, many times. I do roleplay serious stuff, I do focus on a little bit of storytelling every once in a while, but for the most part I am silly and quirky. My portrayal won't always be 100% ic, sometimes a little ooc is healthy, for the bit. I stay committed to the bit, always.

Of course. if he's mean to your muse and you don't like it then you can let me know and I'll tone it down. I'll never be an asshole to people I dont know are 100% down to it or who aren't familiar with how my muse acts. However, sometimes being mean is in character with my muse and theres no other way around it. But the more intense, "i want to cause psychic damage" convos I will always ask if its okay for my muse to go hard on yours.

Rodimus is aware of the multiverse. This does not mean he's aware of the history of each multiverse. He may be aware of them, briefly, but he is really not going to dwell on it much and if you expect him to know it he just. wont. He doesn't really care all that much. This is also to say that he may confuse your muse for someone in his crew because of looking alike, and will treat you as such unless proven otherwise.

There are no people who are "canon" to Rodimus' crew, not at the moment. The only ones who I can say with confidence who are in his crew are @weavingmemoir and @stealthfeline, who are also my muses. This is for practicality. If your muse is part of the Lost Light crew in general, though (brainstorm, whirl, megatron, etc) you can respond to my lost light posts as if you were a member of his crew, I dont really mind. Like I said: commitment to the bit, always. The bit is always funnier when more people join.

Don't pretend like your muse knows mine and vice versa without talking to me first. This is mostly about muses outside G1 and IDW, or even people in IDW that Rodimus never really met, as well as OCs. It isn't really towards muses who HAVE interacted with Rodimus at least a few times. It is Awkward having to figure that out, and I'm not particularly a fan of having to dig around for people's relationships to understand what's going on between your muse and mine.

I don't really care if your muse is banging another Rodimus, or anyone else from his crew. Like I genuinely do not care, and neither does he.

I'll always make adjustments if you ask me to. I'll create new verses to fit with your muse, but that requires communication first and foremost. This also goes for events, if you want in on an event just talk to me and we'll see about it together. My events are never 100% thought out because I like leaving space for other participants to have a say in what happens. I just think its fun, like a group project (but less stressful)

When interacting with me I ask to lay off on the quirky colors and varying different fonts in one single reply. I have a lot of difficulty reading things like that and it strains my vision and it gives me a headache. Just, always have the same font throughout, and if there are different fonts, please let them be at least readable. The standard tumblr fonts are fine, except 'lucille', and the small font tends to me specially frustrating sometimes.

This is a g1/idw based blog. I take stuff i like from g1 and stuff i like from idw and i slam it together until I have something I like. Rodimus does not like the prime title, he does not miss being a prime, and he absolutely does not appreciate being called one, unless its doing things for his ego or to make himself look greater than he is. He is an Ass.

[shuxiii]

Everyday pt. 13

Hanni Pham x reader pt1, pt2, pt3, pt4, pt5, pt6, pt7, pt8, pt9, pt10, pt11, pt12, pt14, pt15

a/n meowmoewmeomwoemwoe its still 7 am and part 12 died so soon and too late and now I'm part 13 so sorry for their lost, credits '' every day'' by David levithan

Day 6016

Yn,

I think I remember everything. Where are you today? Instead of writing a long email, I want to talk.

H

I am roughly two hours away from her when I read this email, in the body of a boy named Park sunghoon. He’s a hardcore design geek, and his room is an orchard of Apple products. I access him enough to know that when he really, really likes a girl, he creates a font and names it after her.

I write back to Hanni and tell her where I am. She writes back immediately—she must be waiting by her computer—and asks me if I can meet her after school. We arrange to meet at the Clover Bookstore.

Sunghoon is a charmer. He also, from what I can tell, has crushes on three different girls at the same time. I spend the day trying not to commit him any closer to any of them. He will have to figure out for himself which font he prefers.

I am a half hour early to the bookstore, but I’m too nervous to read anything but the faces of the people around me.

She walks in the door, also early. I don’t need to stand or wave. She looks around the room, sees me and the way I’m looking at her, and knows.

“Hey,” she says.

“Hey,” I say back.

“It feels like the morning after,” she tells me.

“I know,” I say.

She’s gotten us coffee, and we sit there at the table with the cups sheltered in our hands.

I see some of the things I noticed yesterday—the birthmark, the scattering of pimples on her forehead. But they don’t matter to me nearly as much as the complete picture.

She doesn’t seem freaked out. She doesn’t seem angry. If anything, she seems at peace with what’s happened. When the shock wears off, you always hope there’s understanding underneath. And with Hanni, it seems as if the understanding has already surfaced. Any vestige of doubt has been swept away.

“I woke up and I knew something was different,” she tells me. “Even before I saw your letter. It wasn’t the usual disorientation. But I didn’t feel like I’d missed a day. It was like I woke up and something had been … added. Then I saw your letter and started reading, and immediately I knew it was true. It had actually happened. I stopped when you told me to stop, and tried to remember everything about yesterday. It was all there. Not the things I’d usually forget, like waking up or brushing my teeth. But climbing that mountain. Having lunch with Minji. Dinner with my parents. Even writing the letter itself—I had a memory of that. It shouldn’t make sense—why would I write a letter to myself for the next morning? But in my mind, it makes sense.”

“Do you feel me there? In your memories.”

She shakes her head. “Not in the way you’d think. I don’t feel you in control of things, or in my body, or anything. I feel like you were with me. Like, I can feel your presence there, but it’s outside of me.”

She stops. Starts again. “It’s insane that we’re having this conversation.”

But I want to know more.

“I wanted you to remember everything,” I tell her. “And it sounds like your mind went along with that. Or maybe it wanted you to remember everything, too.”

“I don’t know. I’m just glad I do.”

We talk more about the day, more about how strange this is. Finally, she says, “Thank you for not messing up my life. And for keeping my clothes on. Unless, of course, you didn’t want me to remember that you sneaked a peek.”

“No peeks were sneaked.”

“I believe you. Amazingly, I believe you about everything.”

I can tell there’s something else she wants to say.

“What?” I ask.

“It’s just—do you feel you know me more now? Because the weird thing is … I feel I know you more. Because of what you did, and what you didn’t do. Isn’t that strange? I would have thought that you would’ve found out more about me … but I’m not sure that’s true.”

“I got to meet your parents,” I say.

“And what was your impression?”

“I think they both care about you, in their own way.”

She laughs. “Well said.”

“Well, it was nice to meet them.”

“I’ll be sure to remember that when you really meet them. ‘Mom and Dad, this is Yn. You think you’re meeting them for the first time, but actually, you’ve met them before, when they were in my body.’ ”

“I’m sure that’ll go over well.”

Of course, we both know it won’t go over at all. There’s no way for me to meet her parents. Not as myself.

I don’t say it, and neither does she. I don’t even know if she’s thinking it in the pause that ensues. But I am.

“It can never happen again, right?” she eventually asks. “You’re never the same person twice.”

“Correct. It will never happen again.”

“No offense, but I’m relieved I don’t have to go to sleep wondering if I’m going to wake up with you in control. Once, I guess I can deal with. But don’t make a habit of it.”

“I promise—I want to make a habit of being with you, but not that way.”

And there it is: I had to go and bring up the issue of where we go from here. We got through the past, are enjoying the present, but now I push it and we stumble on the future.

“You’ve seen my life,” she says. “Tell me a way you think this can work.”

“We’ll find a way,” I tell her.

“That’s not an answer. It’s a hope.”

“Hope’s gotten us this far. Not answers.”

She gives me a hint of a grin. “Good point.” She takes a sip of coffee, and I can tell another question’s coming. “I know this is weird, but … I keep wondering. Are you really not a boy or a girl? I mean, when you were in my body, did you feel more … at home than you would in the body of a boy?”

It’s interesting to me that this is the thing she’s hung up on.

“I’m just me,” I tell her. “I always feel at home and I never feel at home. That’s just the way it is.”

“And when you’re kissing someone?”

“Same thing.”

“And during sex?”

“Is Sunghoon blushing?” I ask. “Right now, is he blushing?”

“Yeah,” Hanni says.

“Good. Because I know I am.”

“You’ve never had—?”

“It wouldn’t be fair of me to—”

“Never!”

“I am so glad you find this funny.”

“Sorry.”

“There was this one girl.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Yesterday. When I was in your body. Don’t you remember? I think you might have gotten her pregnant.”

“That’s not funny!” she says. But she’s laughing.

“I only have eyes for you,” I say.

Just six words, and the conversation turns serious again. I can feel it like a shift in the air, like when a cloud moves over the sun. The laughter stops, and we sit there in the moment after it’s faded away.

“Yn—” she starts. But I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear about Minji or impossibilities or any of the other reasons why we can’t be together.

“Not now,” I say. “Let’s stay on the nice note.”

“Okay,” she says. “I can do that.”

She asks me about more of the things I noticed when I was in her body, and I tell her about the birthmark, about different people I noticed in her classes, about her parents’ concern. I share the Yeeun memory, but don’t tell her my observations about Minji, because she already knows those things, whether or not she admits them to me or herself. And I don’t mention the slight wrinkles around her eyes or her pimples, because I know they would bother her, even when they add something real to her beauty.

Both of us have to be home for dinner, but the only way I’m willing to let her leave is to extract a promise that we’ll share time together soon. Tomorrow. Or if not tomorrow, the next day.

“How can I say no?” she says. “I’m dying to see who you’ll be next.”

I know it’s a joke, but I have to tell her, “I’ll always be Yn.”

She stands up and kisses me on the forehead.

“I know,” she says. “That’s why I want to see you.”

We leave on a nice note.

Day 6017

I have gone two days without thinking about Haruto, but it’s clear that Haruto hasn’t gone two days without thinking about me.

7:30 p.m., MONDAY

I still want proof.

8:14 p.m., MONDAY

Why aren’t you talking to me?

11:43 p.m., MONDAY

You did this to me. I deserve an explanation.

6:13 a.m., TUESDAY

I can’t sleep anymore. I wonder if you’re going to come back. I wonder what you’ll do to me. Are you mad?

2:30 p.m., TUESDAY

You have to be the devil. Only the devil would leave me like this.

2:12 a.m., WEDNESDAY

Do you have any idea what it’s like for me now?

The burden I feel is the burden of responsibility, which is a tricky one to deal with. It makes me slower, heavier. But at the same time, it prevents me from floating away into meaninglessness.

It is six in the morning; Vanessa Martinez has gotten up early. After reading Haruto’s emails, I think about what Hanni said, what Hanni feared. Haruto deserves no less of a response from me.

It will never happen again. That is an absolute. I can’t explain much more than that, but this much I know: It only happens once. Then you move on.

He writes me back two minutes later.

Who are you? How am I supposed to believe you?

I know that any response I give runs the risk of being posted on Reverend Poole’s website within seconds. I don’t want to give him my real name. But I feel if I give him a name, it will make it less likely he sees me as the devil, and more likely he will see me for what I am: just a person like him.

My name is Akira. You need to believe me because I am the only person who truly understands what happened to you.

Not surprisingly, he replies with:

Prove it.

I tell him:

You went to a party. You didn’t drink. You chatted with a girl there. Eventually she asked you if you wanted to go dance in the basement. You did. And for about an hour, you danced. You lost track of time. You lost track of yourself. And it was one of the most fantastic moments of your life. I don’t know if you remember it, but there will probably come a time when you are dancing like that again, and it will feel familiar, you will know you’ve done it before. That will be the day you forgot. That’s how you’ll get that part of it back.

This isn’t enough.

But why was I there?

I try to keep it simple.

You were there to talk to the girl. For just that one day, you wanted to talk to that girl.

He asks:

What is her name?

I can’t get her involved. I can’t explain the whole story. So I choose to evade.

That’s not important. The important thing is that for a short time, it was worth it. You were having so much fun that you lost track of time. That’s why you were at the side of the road. You didn’t drink. You didn’t crash. You just ran out of time.

I’m sure it was scary. I’m positive it’s hard to comprehend. But it will never happen again.

Answerless questions can destroy you. Move on.

It’s the truth, but it’s not enough.

That would be easy for you, right? If I moved on.

Every chance I give him, every truth I tell him, lightens the burden of my responsibility that much more. I sympathize with his confusion, but I feel nothing toward his hostility.

Haruto, what you do or don’t do is no concern of mine. I’m just trying to help. You’re a good guy. I am not your enemy. I never have been. Our paths just happened to cross. Now they’ve diverged.

I’m going to go now.

I close the window, then open a new one to see if Hanni will appear in it. I realize I haven’t yet determined how far away I am from her, and am disheartened to find she’s nearly four hours away. I break the news to her in an email, and an hour later she says that it was going to be hard to meet up today, anyway. So we aim for tomorrow.

In the meantime, there’s Vanessa Martinez to contend with. She runs at least two miles every morning, and I am already late for the routine. She has to make do with a single mile, and I can almost hear her chiding me for it. At breakfast, though, nobody else says anything—Vanessa’s parents and sister seem genuinely afraid of her.

This is my first tipoff to something I will see evidenced again and again throughout the day: Vanessa Martinez is not a kind person.

It’s there when she meets up with her friends at the start of school. They, too, are afraid of her. They’re not dressed identically, but it’s clear they’ve all dressed within the same sartorial guidelines, dictated by you-know-who.

She has a poison personality, and I feel that even I am susceptible to it. Every time there’s something mean to be said, everyone looks to her for a comment. Even the teachers. And I find myself stuck in those silences, with words on the venomous tip of my tongue. I see all the girls who aren’t dressed within the guidelines, and see how easy it would be to tear them all apart.

Is that a backpack that Lauren has on? I guess she’s acting like she’s in third grade until her chest fills in. And, oh my God, why is Felicity wearing those socks? Are those kittens? I thought only convicted child molesters were allowed to wear those. And Kendall’s top? I don’t think there’s anything sadder than an unsexy girl trying to dress sexy. We should have a fund-raiser for her, it’s so sad. Like, tornado victims would look at her and say, “No, really, we don’t need the money—give it to that unfortunate girl.”

I don’t want these thoughts anywhere near my mind. The weird thing is that when I withhold them, when I don’t let Vanessa say them out loud, I don’t sense relief from any of the people around me. I sense disappointment. They’re bored. And their boredom is the thing that the meanness feeds on.

Vanessa’s boyfriend, a jock named Jeff, thinks it’s her time of the month. Her best friend and number one acolyte, Cynthia, asks her if someone died. They know something’s off, but will never guess the real reason. They certainly won’t think she’s been taken over by the devil. If anything, they’re suspicious that the devil’s taken a day off.

I know it would be foolish of me to try to change her. I could run off this afternoon and sign her up to volunteer in a soup kitchen, but I’m sure when she arrived there tomorrow, she’d only make fun of the homeless people’s clothes, and the quality of the soup. The best I could probably do would be to get Vanessa into a compromising position that someone could blackmail her about. (Did you all see the video of Vanessa Martinez walking through the hallway in her thong underwear, singing songs from Sesame Street? And then she ran into the girls’ room and flushed her own head in a toilet?) But that would be stooping to her level, and I’m sure that using her own poison against her would cause at least a little of it to fall back inside me as well.

So I don’t try to change her. I simply halt her ire for a single day.

It’s exhausting, trying to make a bad person act good. You can see why it’s so much easier for them to be bad.

I want to tell Hanni all about it. Because when something happens, she’s the person I want to tell. The most basic indicator of love.

I have to resort to email, and email is not enough. I am starting to get tired of relying on words. They are full of meaning, yes, but they lack sensation. Writing to her is not the same as seeing her face as she listens. Hearing back from her is not the same as hearing her voice. I have always been grateful for technology, but now it feels as if there’s a little hitch of separation woven into any digital interaction. I want to be there, and this scares me. All my usual disconnected comforts are being taken away, now that I see the greater comfort of presence.

Haruto also emails me, as I knew he would.

You can’t leave now. I have more questions.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that’s the wrong way to think about the world. There will always be more questions. Every answer leads to more questions.

The only way to survive is to let some of them go.

Day 6018

The next day I am a boy named George, and I am only forty-five minutes away from Hanni. She emails me and says she’ll be able to leave school at lunch.

I, however, am going to have a harder time, because today I am homeschooled.

George’s mother and father are stay-at-home parents, and George and his two brothers stay at home with them each and every day. The room that in most homes would be called the rec room is instead called “the schoolhouse” by George’s family. The parents have even set up three desks for them, which seem to have been left over from a one-room schoolhouse at the turn of the last century.

There is no sleeping late here. We’re all woken at seven, and there’s a protocol about who showers when. I manage to sneak a few minutes at the computer to read Hanni’s message and send her one of my own, saying we’ll have to see how the day plays out. Then, at eight, we’re promptly at our desks, and while our father works at the other end of the house, our mother teaches us.

By accessing, I learn that George has never been in a classroom besides this one, because of a fight his parents had with his older brother’s kindergarten teacher about her methods. I can’t imagine what kindergarten methods would be shocking enough to pull a whole family out of school forever, but there’s no way to access information about this event—George has no idea. He’s only dealt with the repercussions.

I have been homeschooled before, by parents who were engaged and engaging, who made sure their kids had room to explore and grow. This is not the case here. George’s mother is made of stern, unyielding material, and she also happens to be the slowest speaker I’ve ever heard.

“Boys … we’re going to talk … about … the events … leading up … to … the Civil … War.”

The brothers are all resigned to this. They stare forward at all times, a pantomime of paying perfect attention.

“The president … of the … South … was … a man … named … Jefferson … Davis.”

I refuse to be held hostage like this—not when Hanni will soon be waiting for me. So after an hour, I decide to take a page from Nathan’s playbook.

I start asking questions.

What was the name of Jefferson Davis’s wife?

Which states were in the Union?

How many people actually died at Gettysburg?

Did Lincoln write the Gettysburg Address all by himself?

And about three dozen more.

My brothers look at me like I’m on cocaine, and my mother gets flustered with each question, since she has to look up each answer.

“Jefferson Davis … was married … twice. His first wife … Sarah … was the daughter of … President … Zachary Taylor. But Sarah … died … of malaria … three months after … they … were … married. He remarried …”

This goes on for another hour. Then I ask her if I can go to the library, to get some books on the subject.

She tells me yes, and offers to drop me off herself.

It’s the middle of a school day, so I’m the only kid in the library. The librarian knows me, though, and knows where I’m coming from. She is nice to me but abrupt with my mother, leading me to believe that the kindergarten teacher isn’t the only person in town who my mother thinks is not doing her job right.

I find a computer and email my location to Hanni. Then I take a copy of Feed off the shelves and try to remember where I left off reading, a number of bodies ago. I sit at a carrel by a window and keep being drawn to the traffic, even though I know it’s still a couple of hours until Hanni will show up.

I shed my borrowed life for an hour and put on the borrowed life of the book I’m reading. Hanni finds me like that, in the selfless reading space that the mind loans out. I don’t even notice her standing there at first.

“Ahem,” she says. “I figured you were the only kid in the building, so it had to be you.”

It’s too easy—I can’t resist.

“Excuse me?” I say somewhat abruptly.

“It’s you, right?”

I make George look as confused as possible. “Do I know you?”

Now she starts to doubt herself. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just, uh, am supposed to meet somebody.”

“What do they look like?”

“I don’t, um, know. It’s, like, an online thing.”

I grunt. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“I can’t. There’s this really amazing girl I’m supposed to meet.”

She looks at me hard. “You jerk.”

“Sorry, it was just—”

“You jerky … jerk.”

She’s seriously pissed; I’ve seriously messed up.

I stand up from my carrel.

“Hanni, I’m sorry.”

“You can’t do that. It’s not fair.” She is actually backing away from me.

“I will never do it again. I promise.”

“I can’t believe you just did that. Look me in the eyes and say it again. That you promise.”

I look her in the eyes. “I promise.”

It’s enough, but not really. “I believe you,” she says. “But you’re still a jerk until you prove otherwise.”

We wait until the librarian is distracted, then sneak out the door. I’m worried there’s some law about reporting homeschooled kids when they go AWOL. I know George’s mother is coming back in two hours, so we don’t have much time.

We head to a Chinese restaurant in town. If they think we should be in school, they keep it to themselves. Hanni tells me about her uneventful morning—Yunjin and Kazuha got into another fight, but then made up by second period—and I tell her about being in Vanessa’s body.

“I know so many girls like that,” Hanni says when I’m done. “The dangerous ones are the ones who are actually good at it.”

“I suspect she’s very good at it.”

“Well, I’m glad I didn’t have to meet her.”

But you didn’t get to see me, I think. I keep it to myself.

We press our knees together under the table. My hands find hers and we hold them there. We talk as if none of this is happening, as if we can’t feel life pulse through all the spots where we’re touching.

“I’m sorry for calling you a jerk,” she says. “I just—this is hard enough as it is. And I was so sure I was right.”

“I was a jerk. I’m taking for granted how normal this all feels.”

“Minji sometimes does that. Pretends I didn’t tell her something I just told her. Or makes up this whole story, then laughs when I fall for it. I hate that.”

“I’m sorry—”

“No, it’s okay. I mean, it’s not like she was the first one. I guess there’s something about me that people love to fool. And I’d probably do it—fool people—if it ever occurred to me.”

I take all of the chopsticks out of their holder and put them on the table.

“What are you doing?” Hanni asks.

I use the chopsticks to outline the biggest heart possible. Then I use the Sweet’N Low packets to fill it in. I borrow some from two other tables when I run out.

When I’m done, I point to the heart on the table.

“This,” I say, “is only about one ninety-millionth of how I feel about you.”

She laughs.

“I’ll try not to take it personally,” she says.

“Take what personally?” I say. “You should take it very personally.”

“The fact that you used artificial sweetener?”

I take a Sweet’N Low packet and fling it at her.

“Not everything is a symbol!” I shout.

She picks up a chopstick and brandishes it as a sword. I pick up another chopstick in order to duel.

We are doing this when the food arrives. I’m distracted and she gets a good shot in at my chest.

“I die!” I proclaim.

“Who has the moo shu chicken?” the waiter asks.

The waiter continues to indulge us as we laugh and talk our way through lunch. He’s a real pro, the kind of waiter who refills your water glass when it’s half empty, without you noticing he’s doing it.

He delivers us our fortune cookies at the end of the meal. Hanni breaks hers neatly in half, checks out the slip of paper, and frowns.

“This isn’t a fortune,” she says, showing it to me.

YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE.

“No. You will have a nice smile—that would be a fortune,” I tell her.

“I’m going to send it back.”

I raise an eyebrow … or at least try to. I’m sure I look like I’m having a stroke.

“Do you often send back fortune cookies?”

“No. This is the first time. I mean, this is a Chinese restaurant—”

“Malpractice.”

“Exactly.”

Hanni flags the waiter down, explains the predicament, and gets a nod. When he returns to our table, he has a half dozen more fortune cookies for her.

“I only need one,” she tells him. “Wait one second.”

The waiter and I are both paying close attention as Hanni cracks open her second fortune cookie. This time, it gets a nice smile.

She shows it to both of us.

ADVENTURE IS AROUND THE CORNER.

“Well done, sir,” I tell the waiter.

Hanni prods me to open mine. I do, and find it’s the exact same fortune as hers.

I don’t send it back.

We return to the library with about a half hour to spare. The librarian catches us walking back in, but doesn’t say a word.

“So,” Hanni asks me, “what should I read next?”

I show her Feed. I tell her all about The Book Thief. I drag her to find Destroy All Cars and First Day on Earth. I explain to her that these have been my companions all these years, the constants from day to day, the stories I can always return to even if mine is always changing.

“What about you?” I ask her. “What do you think I should read next?”

She takes my hand and leads me to the children’s section. She looks around for a second, then heads over to a display at the front. I see a certain green book sitting there and panic.

“No! Not that one!” I say.

But she isn’t reaching for the green book. She’s reaching for Harold and the Purple Crayon.

“What could you possibly have against Harold and the Purple Crayon?” she asks.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were heading for The Giving Tree.”

Hanni looks at me like I’m an insane duck. “I absolutely HATE The Giving Tree.”

I am so relieved. “Thank goodness. That would’ve been the end of us, had that been your favorite book.”

“Here—take my arms! Take my legs!”

“Take my head! Take my shoulders!”

“Because that’s what love’s about!”

“That kid is, like, the jerk of the century,” I say, relieved that Hanni will know what I mean.

“The biggest jerk in the history of all literature,” Hanni ventures. Then she puts down Harold and moves closer to me.

“Love means never having to lose your limbs,” I tell her, moving in for a kiss.

“Exactly,” she murmurs, her lips soon on mine.

It’s an innocent kiss. We’re not about to start making out in the beanbag chairs offered by the children’s room. But that doesn’t stop the ice-water effect when George’s mother calls out his name, shocked and angry.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she demands. I assume she’s talking to me, but when she gets to us, she pummels right into Hanni. “I don’t know who your parents are, but I did not raise my son to hang out with whores.”

“Mom!” I shout. “Leave her alone.”

“Get in the car, George. Right this minute.”

I know I’m only making it worse for George, but I don’t care. I am not leaving Hanni alone with her.

“Just calm down,” I tell George’s mother, my voice squeaking a little as I do. Then I turn to Hanni and tell her I will talk to her later.

“You most certainly will not!” George’s mother proclaims. I take some satisfaction in the fact that I’m only under her supervision for another eight hours or so.

Hanni gives me a kiss goodbye and whispers that she’s going to figure out a way to run away for the weekend. George’s mother actually grabs him by the ear and pulls him outside.

I laugh, and that only makes things worse.

It’s like Cinderella in reverse. I’ve danced with the prince, and now I’m back home, cleaning the toilets. That is my punishment—every toilet, every tub, every garbage pail. This would be bad enough, but every few minutes, George’s mother stops in to give me a lecture about “the sins of the flesh.” I hope that George doesn’t internalize her scare tactics. I want to argue with her, tell her that “sins of the flesh” is just a control mechanism—if you demonize a person’s pleasure, then you can control his or her life. I can’t say how many times this tool has been wielded against me, in a variety of forms. But I see no sin in a kiss. I only see sin in the condemnation.

I don’t say any of this to George’s mother. If she were my full-time mother, I would. If I were the one who would shoulder the aftermath, I would. But I can’t do that to George. I’ve messed up his life already. Hopefully for the better, but maybe for the worse.

Emailing Hanni is out of the question. It will just have to wait until tomorrow.

After all the toil is done, after George’s father has weighed in with a speech of his own, seemingly dictated by his wife, I head to bed early, take advantage of having the silence of a room all to myself. If my time as Hanni is any proof, I can construct the memories that I will leave George with. So as I lie there in his bed, I conjure an alternate truth. He will remember heading to the library, and he will remember meeting a girl. She will be a stranger to town, dropped off at the library while her mother visited an old colleague. She asked him what he was reading, and a conversation began. They went for Chinese food together and had a good time. He was really into her. She was really into him. They went back to the library, had the same conversation about The Giving Tree, and moved in to kiss. That’s when his mother arrived. That’s what his mother disrupted. Something unexpected, but also something wonderful.

The girl disappeared. They never told each other their names. He has no idea where she lives. It was all there for a moment, and then the moment unraveled.

I am leaving him with longing. Which may be a cruel thing to do, but I’m hoping he will use his longing to get out of this small, small house.

[vv3n0m]

꧁༺ 𝓐𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓸𝓵𝓸𝓰𝔂 𝓸𝓫𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼༻꧂

#1

𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚊𝚗 𝙰𝚚𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚞𝚜: I am not an astrologer but I do study astrology, these observations were made from my real life experiences and my studies. I hope you enjoy :)

🌞Leo placements always find Aquarius placements💨

🐠Pisces and Libra get along very well and somehow find each other⚖️

💄Taurus moon and libra moon people usually find themselves daydreaming about luxury. Cars, cloths, big comfortable homes. These people luxury daydream for fun💸

🕷️People with Scorpio in their 12House (Sagittarius risings) are the “funny friend” by that I mean they’re usually going through something heavy inside. These people will be the light in the room while subconsciously screaming, quite literally. 12H rules the subconscious mind along with death, rebirth, hidden enemies, deep inner self. These people can become their own worst enemies due to the way they think. They tend to go through their hard times alone leaving people with only the best of them. 🦂

🐚Cancer 12H people need to know that it’s okay to share how they feel. They may sometimes feel like they are the party pooper because they feel so deeply but you aren’t. The world needs more feelers. 12H cancers have deep empathy and the ability to recognize what lies beneath the surface of other people. It’s easy for you guys to become selfless as well, please make sure not to dive too deep into others neglecting your beautiful selves.

✴️Aquarius suns get very tired easily maybe as much as Taurus their fellow fixed sign because of the way society can be. Aquarius suns tend to get fed up with the way society is structured. This pushes their rebellious agenda in which they just say “fuck it” and go against all odds. There’s just something so thrilling about doing your own thing and looking good while doing it. 🌬️

🔥 Fire and earth get along well when things are more platonic. 🌏

🖤Libras have a love/hate relationship with Aries or Aries placements(sun, moon, Venus, mercury, and mars) 🌹

🏴‍☠️Scorpio (sun, moon, rising, Venus) are only “obsessed” with you once they actually develop deep feelings for you. So many people expect Scorpios to become obsessed with them off rip. This causes Scorpios to be in one sided relationships where they give more than they get in relationships or even friendships. 💀

🐟Pisces and Gemini can be similar In a way I’ve noticed. 💎

💕Air signs will sometimes become infatuated with people who don’t like/love them back. Like fire signs they love the chase in a way but they also don’t like someone who’s easy to win over. They love to earn their love from their partners💨

❤️Aries and Sagittarius duo 🔥

🐂I’m so sorry if a Taurus has you blocked currently🏴‍☠️

🖤I feel bad for 12th House Venus placements, they’re luck in love is not the best in some cases but in many they go through karmic relationships where people try to control them or dim their light. Wouldn’t be surprised if they have a enemies to lovers trope with someone🖤

♐️Sagittarius and Aquarius placements are so beautiful together, they’re literally the same but in different fonts♒️

🪐Capricorn moons and Taurus moons get along very very well as friends🐂

💨Aquarius and Capricorns have a love/ hate relationship sometimes. They can go from friends to enemies or enemies to friends. This could be due to the fact that they share a planet but the two are still very different🪐

🦂Scorpios always have this look as if they know something you don’t know👀

🔥Aries mars will teach Scorpio mars how to be more direct with their emotions while a Scorpio mars will teach Aries mars how to tone down their emotions💦

💦Can we talk about the way Aquarius placements have beautiful eyes, the same with Pisces and Scorpio💨

I’ve noticed that Aquarius and Pisces oddly attract each other A-LOT.

[monstersinthecosmos]

Do you have any advice/tips for writers with ADHD? I have ADHD and dyslexia on top of it and I've recently started writing fanfic. I love it but it takes so long for me to actually order my thoughts into something readable and find the right words to put down. I get distracted easily. I usually need to get in the mood of the fic I'm writing to have a decent flow but it's rare that I can do it. I just feel distressed cause I have so many ideas but I'm so slow at writing it takes me months to write a 5k oneshot.

Hello!!!!!!!! Yes I have some advice, I would love to share what helps me! I do want to acknowledge that what works for me might not work for you, but something that I find like mega super-duper important as an ADHD life hack is to be honest with yourself and start learning what works for you and how to find tools that work with your specific life. Like, for example, I heavily rely on routine to function AT ALL, but I know that I have to come up with a NEW routine every few months because when they become too familiar they get boring and stop working. And it took me a long time to learn it was okay to just like, leave an ineffective routine in the past and come up with a new one instead of beating myself up because it wasn’t working anymore.

(Please keep in mind that I’m in the US and I don’t have insurance so I’m like learning all this shit cold brew, white knuckling it on my own where like maybe this is extremely pedestrian advice that a mental health professional could’ve just told me years ago and saved me the time LOL)

And re: Dyslexia! I am not dyslexic so I’m not qualified to give you advice about this; if anyone wants to pop in and share please do! The one thing I know that can help is picking fonts that work for you!!!!!!!!!! Using a screen reader can also help when you’re reading to proof read so that you can hear typos or wonky sentences that your eyes miss. (I do this for all my fics and it’s so helpful!) Also if you’re in a frenzy to jot ideas down in your notes to start organizing yourself it might help to use voice to text!  

This is gonna be long, I apologize LMAO. Easy for me to scream and shout because I have ADHD but perhaps not easy to read if the reader has ADHD SORRY SORRY, take it a piece at a time if you must. But I’m gonna break this into two main parts, the ADHD Life Advice Stuff and the ACTUAL WRITING STUFF.

ADHD Life Advice Stuff:

I mentioned a couple things in my last post about how I approach writers block & burnout and I think tbh I approach this from an ADHD perspective, as well, particularly the burnout part. I don’t wanna repeat too much of that but basically for me, I think it’s just extremely essential to be honest with yourself, know your limits, and build your life AROUND the ADHD. You really can take any ADHD life advice and apply it to writing. I’ve done it a lot with house cleaning advice!

I’m a slow writer, too! And it’s taken a ton of practice to get to a place where I write longer fics. But like, five years ago I don’t think it would’ve been realistic for me to sit down and crank out a huge fic, I just didn’t have the skill and practice and confidence and patience yet.

This is not a race, it’s not a contest. Patience can be frustrating but getting to where you want to be might be a slow process and take practice, and if you sit down to write and think you’re gonna crank out 50k fic on your first try it’s probably not realistic, and if you push yourself and fuck it up, it’s only going to wind up being discouraging and unmotivating in the end. Imo it’s better to be gentle with yourself until you feel confident and have the hang of it; set smaller goals and be realistic about where you’re at NOW. It doesn’t mean that you will ALWAYS be at that level, it just means you have to walk before you can run.

I would say this also goes towards having a million ideas; THIS IS ME, I HAVE IDEAS ALL DAY ALL THE TIME, but I realistically know that I do not have the time to write all of them. Sometimes I write them down in my notes app so I don’t forget, but it doesn’t mean I’ll commit to writing a whole fic. Again, you have to be realistic about the time you have and the level you can write at. Prioritize ideas that really inspire you and make you excited.

In my last post too I mentioned that a lot of times my “writing advice” is more like, COPING WITH ADHD advice and tbh I think they’re inextricable. My life was a COMPLETE disaster before I found out I had ADHD because I was constantly forcing myself to try to live like other people, to some “normal” standard, and it’s just not how my brain works. It’s important to set up your life FOR your ADHD and just make things easier for yourself. And a lot of that is very personal and individual, so when I say be realistic and be kind to yourself, YOU know you more than I do. You will know if turning your wordcount goal into a game is more motivating than not stressing about your wordcount. You know if writing in a noisy Starbucks is more motivating than writing in your cozy silent home. I think sometimes you have to just try stuff on and see if it fits and create a routine that helps you, and sometimes the routine is gonna wear off and you come up with a new one. And it’s frustrating as fuck when you haven’t figured out what works yet. It’s a fucking process!!!!!!!!!!!! But there’s something to be said for being kind to yourself and saying “It’s okay, this doesn’t work for my brain, we can try something new tomorrow” instead of “This sucks and I’ll never be good at it and I can’t do the thing everyone else can do.”

So I’ll share some like actual technical tools now but I always feel like it’s important to talk about the ADHDness of it FIRST, like. This is you, it’s how you are. Find ways to make it work for you and don’t force yourself to use random normies’ routines if they aren’t built for people like us. Personally when I started being kinder to myself and making accommodations and cherrypicking random bits & pieces of advice that I thought I could manage, I became a lot more productive and had a lot more fun writing!!!!!!! This is like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before your child.

Actual Writing Stuff:

OUTLINES.

I feel like ADHDers don’t want to hear this LMAO. And it took me a suuuuuuuuuuuuper long time to figure out a method of outlining that worked for me. I was against it at first because it made me feel way too constricted and I thought I wouldn’t be able to be creative if I was sticking to one.

People talk about planners and pantsers with writing and I started thinking of my outlines as a TOMATO CAGE. (I found out this is also called tentpole method LMAO but I’m still calling it my tomato cage.) But picture that you have enough of a framework to have some structure and keep the story moving forward, but the plant will grow however it wants to and you can arrange the limbs accordingly.

I talked about how I outline a while back in this entry too so I don’t want to repeat too much, but basically I try to think about like what’s the structure and pacing of the story and build from there. For example, my longest fic on AO3 is called Tonight the Stars Revolt! and I started it by listing out 14 kinks/sex acts and arranging them in order of escalation. So that was my outline.

Chapter 1 – Jerking off in front of each other

Chatper 2 – Jerking EACH OTHER off

Chapter 3 – Oral

Etc!

That’s how the story started, that’s all I knew, but it gave me a roadmap to work with.  So you can start an outline as vague and broad as you need to, and as you approach each chapter you can start adding more detail. You can also leave yourself notes as you have ideas, like as an idea strikes you, go ahead and park it in the outline where you think it might fit. This is so helpful if you're trying to build motifs or foreshadowing so that you can be sure to plant all those seeds earlier in the story.

And again, like I said with being flexible about routines and accommodations, it’s okay to rearrange your outline! It’s not the end all be all, it’s your story! I’m constantly tinkering with the outlines as the story evolves.

But for example, say you know chapter 3 is about oral, when it’s time to write chapter 3 you can then start thinking about what scenes you might want to include, like

Chapter opens with them fooling around in a closet

They get called away to do a mission

Mission is very scary! Action! Danger!

Blowjob when they get back!

And then you add to it EVEN MORE as you approach each scene. Like, when it’s time to write the actual scene about the mission you can break it down even more

Open with the team strategizing how to escape

They get separated

There’s a fire

I also like to choreograph all my smut scenes LOL so like when it’s time to write the blowjob it’ll be like

He grabs at Shiro’s waistband

Gets on his knees

Shiro is telling him he doesn’t have to

He does it ANYWAY

Shiro tries to pull out to not come in his mouth!!

So that way when it’s time to actually WRITE! I just have to look at the next point. Like, instead of climbing the mountain that is a WHOLE FIC every time I try to sit down, I can check the outline and go “Today I just have to write about the fire.”

It breaks the story into manageable pieces!! And if your attention span is such that you can’t focus for a LONG time at once, that’s perfect! And if you’re someone who can like get into the zone and need to be really tuned in to get there, it works for that too! You’re just leaving yourself a trail of breadcrumbs to follow so that you always remember what’s the next part you need to write.

I also prefer to write full screen so that I’m not distracted (I use Scrivener which has a full screen and you can customize the colors so I have full screen & dark mode!) and I keep all my notes in the bottom of the document, so I always to make it that I can SEE the next point at the bottom of the screen so I’m always sort of typing towards it. (Scriv also has typewriter mode which is awesome for this, where the line you’re typing on is always centered!)

SPRINTS.

This goes both towards the “small manageable pieces” concept but also towards the “set a time of day to write” concept. But if you have any friends who also write and would want to write WITH YOU to stay accountable, it’s fun to text them and you can both start the clock and write without distraction and then compare at the end. (I’m gonna come back to this in a sec re: wordcount games.) But having someone to spend that time with you really helps.

There’s a Discord bot called Sprinto that you can use to have it in your chat but you can run it on your own too if you want to have a log. I use this a lot! I also sometimes have “sprint time” with my friend who ISNT writing, like she’ll do her dishes while I work on my fic. LOL. It’s just about having someone to be accountable with.

PRODUCTIVITY APPS.

Speaking of sprints, for me personally I try to be like DISTRACTION FREE while the clock is on, and on days where my attention span is particularly garbage I have some apps that lock me out of distracting websites/apps. On my phone I have Forest App, I THINK IT’S A DOLLAR? But very cool and cute. It plants a lil tree and if you leave the app the tree dies and you feel bad. So I’ll put that on when I’m writing so that I don’t pick up my phone and start fucking around.

I also use StayFocusd on my laptop for Chrome. This puts a daily timer on how much you allow yourself to use certain websites and then locks you out. I tend to write at the end of the day so I’ve usually used all my fuck around time by then.

WORDCOUNT GAMES.

Personally for me, I don’t like to agonize over my wordcounts because I worry I fall into “quantity over quality” mindset. I just have my lil challenge to write 100 words a day, but other than that I don’t worry about it. But if that’s motivating to you, you can make it a race or a challenge. Even doing sprints you can see if you can write more than your friend.  I think Scriv lets you set a word goal for a session so you can watch the words count DOWN as you’re typing.

I just know for me I have to turn everything into a fucking game to make it interesting LOL so I would encourage creating wordcount games if that will work for you.

TIME OF DAY.

I tend to write at night because I have too much to do in the morning before work, but I like to write in the morning on weekends when I have the day off. Figure out which time of day works best for you!!!!!!!!

Writing in the morning can be awesome because your mind isn’t smushed down by the decisions fatigue of a whole day. Writing at night can be awesome because it’s dark and quiet and time to be cozy. Maybe you’re most alert after lunch, idk man! Figure that out and work with it.

ATMOSPHERE.

When I write at night I like to fucking, put the appropriate music on, turn all the lights off, get my purple fairy lights going, light incense, have a snack, etc. This is gonna be different for everyone. I also live alone so I have the luxury of controlling the environment the best I can. But create a space for yourself if you can, something that works for you. If you get distracted easily try noise cancelling headphones, if you get overstimulated by something try to remove yourself from it. Wear comfy clothes if you need to, etc. Make it easy on yourself so that you can show up and be present with your writing.

I also wanna mention if you can’t write with music on, try ambient sounds. I know there’s a bunch on YouTube and some other writing sites but you can like, listen to ambient café noise, or traffic, or the woods! It can be really immersive!!!!!!!!!

TRY DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.

It can be helpful to write in a different location, if you’re able to. (This is not easy if you’re writing on a desktop but!!! If you’re able to move around sometimes it helps.) If you’re stuck in one space try to change the lighting, or hang up a new picture, get a plant, whatever you wanna do to make your desk feel different.

I do most of my writing at my desk, but I also have my WRITING CHAIR that I sit in sometimes, and when I’m really stuck sometimes I write on the couch, or on my bed! This is the same as if you go write in public. When I used to work on ships I’d go out in port and write in the woods, or in libraries, or in cafes. Inside the ship I’d try writing in my room, in my office, in the crew bar.

I think people call this “change your environment writing” like I’ve seen articles about it and everything. But it’s the theory that being in a different space sort of unlocks different parts of your brain, stimulates you differently, etc.

OF COURSE, if you are too distracted where you NEED to be in the same old boring space, don’t do this!!!!!!!!!! But it’s worth a shot. This is my main trick when I’m STUCK on fics and it usually works. :D

and finally THINKING ABOUT WRITING IS WRITING.

I set aside an hour a day to write, and sometimes it's 53 minutes of zoning out to music and tinkering with the outline, and 7 minutes of writing LOL. It's not a failure or a waste of your time if you sit down to write and the process isn't JUST writing and isn't JUST words coming out of your head. I think there's a lot more to writing than the words coming out of your head. Spending time with the ideas internally and letting them grow is so important and like, I think if it makes you more in love with your story or more confident about the story you're trying to tell, the words will follow!!!!!! Make a playlist or a mood board or some shit, too. Invest in that time because it'll help you stay inspired. (At least, it does for me. :D ) I know there's a balance here on like, at some point you DO have to actually write the words, but I don't think it's bad to invest in your inspiration as part of the process.

Anyway I know this was a lot, but it was really tough for me to figure out what worked for me so I just wanted to share as much as I could think of at the moment. I’d rather overshare if it can help you!!!!!!!!!

As always, take or leave it as needed, modify it to your own needs, do your best!!!!!!!!!!!

Writing fanfic above all else is supposed to be FUN and if it takes you months to write 5k that is FINE. What’s the rush, what’s the race! Be patient with yourself and go at your own pace!

[tryslora]

Do you have any suggestions for making book covers without having to pay someone?

If you know since you're pretty much the only writer person I follow

(sorry I'm nervous to ask out of anon 😅)

No worries, don't be nervous, anon! Totally cool question.

I will say that I tried making my own covers originally, and uhhhh I have standards I couldn't reach, so I failed at that and went the paid route (and OMG the artists I have found are AMAZING, I just have to say that the fandom community ROCKS).

First things first, start by looking at covers of books in the same genre that appeal to you. Look at what you like about them, and what's consistent about them. Are they clipart type graphics? Are they simplistic? Is it photorealistic? Are there images at all other than scrolls and flowers?

What are the placements and sizes for the title and author name? Usually the author name is smaller than the title unless it's a super famous author who gets to be more important than the title.

Also, if you put a subtitle or series on the cover, and you plan to sell the book, this information MUST be listed in the records for selling (like your ISBN). KDP has been known to bounce books for not matching up.

Anyway. Some things I know people have used.

Canva (you can get a 30-day trial of the paid version, if you need to). They have templates, graphics, all kinds of things available. Check licensing!

Actually, pause here for a sidebar, because that's a huge theme for all answers--always check what licensing is available for any graphics/art/font you're including. Depending on how you're using your cover, you may need a different license. If it's for personal use, you only need basic personal use licensing. But if it's for sale (paperback or ebook) it requires to be allowable to be used commercially.

Anyway, back to Canva. I know some indie authors who swear by it and put together really simple text and graphic covers.

I've collected a small group of links I use when I do need something quick, or I need a graphic for use online. Some of them I haven't played with fully myself, so for all of them, look carefully at what they offer, what their licensing is, and how and whether they include AI (and check for things tagged AI vs not).

DIY Book Covers - I found this one linked from an indie writing site. I have not played with it.

BookBrush - this one is for creating social media images once you have a cover.

Pixabay and Unsplash are two sites I use all the time for graphics. They have started to have more AI art on them in recent times (and beware of links that lead to images that do cost--they are mostly free, but have advertised paid links, too). Last time I looked, the AI art was tagged. All the promotional images I do when I'm getting ready to launch a new PHU book come from these sites.

Pexels looks to be similar, but I don't think I've used it much. I have a bookmark for future me tho!

There's also Wikimedia but in my mind, that one's more for personal use than commercial. I've linked to their page on licensing.

So. You've found imagery, and now you need to put it together.

In terms of free graphics editors, I can only list the ones I'm most familiar with. I've already mentioned Canva. I have used Adobe Express (it's actually handy for stripped down video editing). I know folks who swear by GIMP.

I... know there are places to get cool fonts, but um, I don't have them bookmarked. Sorry!

All of this covers the basic cover image at the front, and not constructing the actual wraparound book cover you need if you're doing a print edition. Most places (I've dealt with DraftToDigital and Amazon KDP) have a template that you can download then edit in GIMP or Adobe Express and those contain instructions.

And I know you don't want to pay someone, but I am going to mention one site that has come up often in indie/small press panels I've been on this year: GetCovers. I have not used them, and cannot vouch for them. I don't know whether they do or do not use AI. But I do know the folks who have spoken about them were happy with their covers, and with the service. And depending on what you need, they are super inexpensive compared to other options.

This does mean that they are using art they've bought and that your cover might have the same art as someone else (this happens a lot where stock photos are concerned--I read two books this year from different authors where the covers obviously came from the same photoshoot).

But anyway, they are an inexpensive option if you get frustrated with doing it yourself.

Best of luck, nonnie, and I hope your book adventures take you far!

[edwinspaynes]

Intimate Thomastair Headcanons (N/S/F/W)

...As promised many moons ago. I'm asexual, sorry if these are lame. They took a long time because I wanted to write them in a mindful, character-driven way. I hope they're not disappointing.

(Note: a few of these points do talk about past sexual trauma because of Charles. These could potentially be triggering, so I am putting them in green font. You can choose to read the green ones or not. Ball's in your court. The other ones do not contain triggering content.)

If you've read either of my E-rated Thomastair fics here and here, you'll know this one and hopefully have gotten a good laugh out of it. They talk about sex using old-timey, outdated sex euphemisms. This starts as a funny way to make Thomas feel more comfortable voicing his needs and talking about sex. They share a love of language and a good sense of humor surrounding that. But as Thomas becomes bolder, it becomes a sort of inside joke. They get more and more purposely ridiculous with sex euphemisms and dick slang. For example, I think Alastair calls Thomas's dick a "plum tree shaker" in one of my fics, which is a euphemism from the 1600s. It feels very Them to me.

I think that because of their pasts and their traumas, sex does not feel like the most intimate part of their relationship. There are emotional intimacies like sleeping next to each other* and talking and comforting each other as they heal and process that trauma. There are even daily routines that feel more raw and vulnerable, especially for Alastair who could not fathom anyone ever wanting to share an actual life with him beyond sex. I think that sex is more of a "let's have fun like we always do" thing for them, it's just another activity for them to enjoy together. Because they always have fun together, so why not do it this way, too?

* Sleeping next to Thomas feels especially intimate for Alastair, because he thought no one would ever want to before.

This one's not as happy or cute, so I'm sorry. But I think that Alastair absolutely has a very complicated relationship with sex because of his traumatic relationship with Charles. There's some canon evidence to support this, imo, when he's standing on the rooftop and seems to think that Thomas does not genuinely like him even after they're intimate. Also, when Charles first comes over in ChoG, he insinuates that Charles must want sex because there's no other reason for him to come over. So I think that Alastair likely simultaneously views sex as something that "makes him valuable" in a relationship, and something that he is good at, but also as something that he could feel used after if not given the appropriate care. I think that this is going to be a long road to overcome, but I'm sure that Thomas is very patient and loving and comforting and makes sure that Alastair knows that he is not being used. He is loved. And Alastair understands that and enjoys being intimate with Thomas, because it makes him feel loved and respected. But he also has this weird view of sex because Charles messed up his sense of physical intimacy, and he'll need to work through that with Thomas's help.

Likewise, and this is the first NSFW Thomastair fic I wrote, I think that Thomas is hesitant to initiate a sexual relationship with Alastair after the infirmary scene because he does not want Alastair to feel like he is taking advantage of him. (Of course, Alastair does not think this and is touched by his regard, but Thomas is extremely considerate, as we know).

Let's switch gears, shall we? Amp up the spice here, decrease the trauma talk and sadness.

Anyway, Thomas likes swearing in Spanish. This is canon. So, lots of swearing in Spanish. Alastair thinks it's hot.

Alastair likes swearing in Persian, This is canon. So, lots of swearing in Persian. Thomas thinks it's hot.

In fact, they can dirty talk in like 10 different languages. It's great.

Alastair naturally is better at initiating sex because he's more experienced and more vocal. But he wants Thomas to be willing to do it, because he thinks it's important to be able to talk about sex with someone before you have it with them. So in the beginning, he tries to get Thomas to initiate, to kind of help him feel more comfortable. Once he gets there, it's about 50/50 for initiation, which is quite honestly the ideal state. This has some canon basis to me too because of Alastair making Thomas more bold and confident. Don't see why this wouldn't translate to sexy situations, too.

Part of this communication is naturally that Alastair will periodically talk about Charles (obviously not, like, during sex). It's something that haunts him a bit, and it's something that Thomas never wants him to shy away from because he thinks Thomas will be jealous or upset. Thomas wants to be there for his soulmate and understands that this is a Bad Thing That Happened, and he is not jealous. He is angry on Alastair's behalf. The way he sees it, Charles will probably never have a real conversation with Alastair again, and Thomas gets to go home to Alastair every day. So really, there's a clear winner here, and it ain't Charles fucking Buford.

They both insist on verbal consent every time. They're too important to each other not to.

I am getting cockblocked by a text block limit on bulleted lists, so I need to insert this line so Tumblr lets me publish the post. Fuck you, Tumblr.

Alastair's a naturally selfless person in canon. Don't see why this wouldn't translate to spicy situations, too. He loves giving pleasure, especially with his hands and mouth. Probably King of the Best Blowjobs/Handjobs Ever. He'll kiss Thomas everywhere and touch him all over until he feels super, super good. (You should read my 2nd smut fic if you like this one. Blowjob galore.)

Thomas always at least offers to repay the favor. He never wants Alastair to feel used again, not after Charles took and took from him.

Thomas initially Really Does Not Like how big things are. Alastair loves it. Alastair loves all of Thomas's body. Thomas almost cries when Alastair touches his body for the first time and tells him how beautiful his dick is. (I think this has canon basis because he almost cried in the carriage when Alastair called his chest beautiful, ngl.)

This is mutual. No one has ever called Alastair handsome before Thomas. Thomas adores how Alastair looks and feels, everywhere. Alastair never felt so treasured and teared up a bit.

They just genuinely adore each other's bodies. No lights off or sheets to hide under for them.

Also, constant comparisons to various classical statues. Like the sex euphemisms, these get more and more ridiculous over time.

Both of them are connoisseurs of gentle, loving sex. Watching how canonically sweet and tender they are with each other both physically and emotionally basically confirms this for me. Can't see either of them being rough or careless, even playfully or as a game. Don't think Alastair would like that after Charles, and don't think Thomas would be comfortable with it because of his size and anxiety.

DEFINITELY see a LOT of teasing, though. Like, a LOT of it. A LOT A LOT A LOT. Picking on each other playfully, willfully misunderstanding each other (a la 'take your clothes off,' 'okay, Angel, fine, I'll peel my socks off'), slow touches that aren't quite where the other one wants them but so so close, yup, that's the stuff.

And a lot of stupid interruptions to laugh that somehow does not ruin the mood and just makes it better.

Thomas is really comfortable with Alastair and is willing to ask for things and make requests and talk dirty while in the throes of passion. He gets embarrassed right afterward and Alastair is like reassuring him that it's good to express his needs, but Thomas worries that Alastair thinks poorly of him for it. He does not. The cycle repeats itself because Thomas is just too goddamn comfortable with Alastair.

I think that there are certain sex acts that Alastair might dislike at first because he associates them with Charles. Specifically, I think he may not like penetrative sex, because Charles seems like a kind of self-satisfying douchebag with 0 creativity. So they probably do other stuff like moving together, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc instead.

They're really private about their sex lives, even more so than most people. Because it's something that's just for them, and they want to keep it between themselves. Matthew always fishes for deets. They make up wildly inaccurate falsehoods that are bold, obvious lies. This makes Matthew more determined.

Matthew never gets the tea. Such is his tragedy.

They have 100% had full-on sex in a carriage or twenty before.

That's it for me now, I hope you enjoyed these stupid little headcanons <3