#also this is the first time i made the template by myself! it was painful! but i did it!!

[gorawe114]

i was lazy af this year lmao oh well, maybe the next one will be nicer!

[fereldanwench]

I didn't want to completely sit out a year-in-review, but for reasons I'll explain at the end of this post and under a cut, doing the traditional pick-one-pic-from-each-month approach just wasn't going to work for me. So instead, here are 20 of my favorite shots (in no particular order) of Valerie from 2023!

(I'll share solo Goro shots and shippy/story shots in two other posts before the year ends.)

Some thoughts about this year (cw for anxiety and depression mentions):

So yeah. I actually hadn't planned on joining in on the virtual photography year-in-review fun in part because... Well, frankly, I wasn't sure if it would actually be fun for me.

Although I do have pictures for every month, the first third, maybe even half, of the year was a struggle on almost every conceivable level. A lot of it was shit that carried over from the end of 2022, which was also an incredibly difficult year for me. I don't really want to delve too deeply into why--Some of it was personal, some of it was professional, some of it was fandom, and if you know, you know.

The main obstacle I had here is that looking at a lot of the shots I took from about January to May (give or take a few weeks on either end) honestly reminded me of Bad Times™️. I've worked really hard to pull myself out of that depression/anxiety cycle and return to a healthier approach to fandom and online socialization in general, but I just didn't want to spend a lot of time in that mental space. There are a few shots from those months that made it to my favorites, and I hope one day I can look back on that stuff and just feel the good from it again. Alas, that day is still not here.

But I am happy to report that the other reason I wanted to approach the review differently is a lot more positive! It's also two-fold: 1) I spent the earlier part of this year exploring more of a technical side of virtual photography and 2) I was really prolific the last third or so of this year so trying to narrow faves from about August until now was just not possible.

One of the few good things about the end of 2022 was being able to upgrade my graphics card, which meant I then had a rig that could support ray-tracing and hot sampling. As a result, I started putting a lot more focus on lighting and getting acquainted with new tools. I also was trying to work with the new AMM posing system, which is very convenient in some ways (100s of poses without reloading the game!) and a complete pain in the ass in others (can't move characters without their poses breaking!). Custom photomode poses + Nibbles Replacer has been the game changer I've been waiting for.

Or to put it more succinctly, December 2022 through about April 2023 felt like a relearning/return to basics kind of creative period, which is essential, but also means I just don't really like a lot of what I did, lmao.

Then, shockingly (I'm not shocked at all), starting treatment for my anxiety and depression in the second half of this year suddenly made creating a lot easier and fun again! Crazy how that works.

Even bumping this little review up to 20 shots instead of 12, there are still pictures from the past few months that I had to cut as favorites. There was just no way I could condense the amount of fave shots I took from August to now in just 5 options.

I also owe quite a bit of this revival to modders for asking me if I wanted to take shots for them--Exploring more of a fashion photography approach to my shots I think did a lot to build on what I had learned earlier in the year and encouraged me to try something new. I don't want to tag anyone in this long-ass glorified diary entry, but if you invited me to take mod shots for you, just know that it really meant a lot. ♡

And that's where my head has been with a yearly review! Is filling out a little template with 12 pictures this serious? No, it definitely is not, lmao. But hey, overthinking shit is still something I'm working on. ✌️

[eventidesworld]

I made a Grishaverse Controversy Meme!

My favorite character for season 1 was Jesper cause he was so charming, hilarious, and always wore his heart on his sleeve

General Kirigan has been and will always be my least favorite character of the Grishaverse

Favorite ship will always be Kanej, no matter what

My least favorite ship will always be Darklina, it's toxic, how do you expect me to like it?

Episode 5 was the best, it was chaotic as hell! You have Alina living her dream life and Jesper limping around with that stable boy while Kaz, Inej, and Mal are running around trying not to die. It was incredible!

I don't hate episode 2, it's just there wasn't that much going on

My favorite moment has to be when Jesper, Kaz, and Inej first appeared on the show. That was simply iconic!

Watching Kirigan grow antlers out of Alina's collarbones made me really uncomfortable

I also made one for season 2!

This time around, the best character trophy must go to Kaz Brekker. I mean, you all saw season 2 right? He was practically drowning in angst. His pain is now bare for the viewers to see, he was extremely vulnerable, but simultaneously badass and formidable

Kirigan is still the worst

Kanej is always the best OTP, okay? Especially this season. Kaz cleaned her wound, Inej watched out for him and pulled him out of the crowd when he was panicking, her dream, their goodbye scene? Okay, bye, that's enough. Should I say more, I'm going to cry.

Darklina still the worst

Need I explain myself when I say that Episode 4 was the best? The best scene of the entire show is the Kaz and Pekka showdown. The lighting, the dialogue, THE ACTING!!! FREDDY FUCKING KILLED IT!!! It's as if he extracted Kaz's spirit from the books, turned it into a beverage and drank it. He poured his heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears out on the screen... so someone give him an Academy Award, or else!

Episode 7 was the worst episode of the show. There were very little of the Crows, the so-called battle scene was horribly choreographed and cringy, and they made my beloved Jesper COMPLETELY out of character by making him chop off that tidemaker's fingers. Listen, Jesper is tough, but there's no way he would do something like that.

The best moment, I spoke about before, will always be the Kaz and Pekka showdown. In fact, it's not just the best scene of the season, it's the best scene of the entire show!

The battle scene in episode 7 is the worst yet. I mentioned it before, I don't think I need to repeat myself.

Here are the templates

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 3/26

What am I feeling today?

I’m in a bit of pain that’s been lasting for about four to five days now and I had hoped I’d have gone away by now but hasn’t. I’m also saddened by the bridge collapsing in Baltimore earlier today, could you imagine how terrifying that must’ve been? To be driving across a bridge, it’s breaking and collapsing, and then you and your car are plunged in the river below in the middle of the night, surrounded by darkness? It breaks my heart, that must be truly traumatizing and I pray that they recover everyone and that they’re all okay. On the bright side, I get to travel back to my home city again and I’m bringing one of my friends and niece and can’t wait to show them Pittsburgh! It’s always nice going back home🥹

Luke 11 NIV

(v. 2-4) “He said to them, “When you pray, say: “ ‘Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation. ’ ””

Here’s Jesus giving us the example of how we’re supposed to pray. I don’t believe we are meant to say this word for word every time, more so to use it as a template. Praising God first and thanking Him for what He’s gone for us. Petitioning and making our requests before Him. And finally, forgiveness for our sins because even as disciples, we sin daily, none of us can say that we’re without sin.

(v. 9-13) “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

I know that I ask God for a lot. Every day I present requests to Him but I know that I don’t actually deserve anything. Not to put my worry down or anything but God already gave us His son when she didn’t need to. That’s already a gift that we’re unworthy of but He gave Jesus because He loves us. And He’ll give us other things we pray for (as long as it honors Him) because He loves us. Also, in the verse beforehand, at the end of the parable Jesus is giving, he says that it’s given because of the man’s “shameless audacity” and honestly it made me laugh because it’s so true! Who are we that we feel we are in any position to ask God for whatever we want when we’re not even really worthy of life (but are now bc of Jesus).

(v. 24-26) ““When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.””

I think this is kinda terrifying, but also annoying. Terrifying in that even when the impure spirits leave us as we come into our lives with Christ, then be back and even stronger, with more wicked spirits. I say it’s annoying because they’re coming back, like come on! really? y’all can’t just leave us alone in peace but gotta keep attacking us? but, with the word of God and with Jesus and the Holy Spirit in our lives, we can resist these attacks and stand firm in our faith.

(v. 28) “He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.””

This! It is not enough to just listen to the word of God. We can listen to the Bible for every second of our life, but if we don’t do what it says, then it’s all been in vain. I think this myself sometimes, every day I sin and I’m aware that I don’t obey everything as I should. I can catch myself, and note where I need to improve, and make a daily effort, but I also know I’ll always fall short.

(v. 34-36) “Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.””

I had a bit of a hard time understanding this so I went to some commentary for clarity:

Here Jesus addressed himself to correcting his hearers’ inability (through their sins) to appreciate truth, and to read God’s sign, when they should finally see it. It was not at all the nature of the sign that needed correction but the quality of perception in his sinful audience, the evil generation which confronted him.

[mamuzzy]

Okay, my temporary-brainfuckery is over, I'm kind of hyped now about the new year and can look back at 2023 with much more contentment. So I jumped on the train of doing Art Summary too :))) (template HERE)

Yeah, what the fuck did I do in the first half of the year... honestly, I don't remember. No, really, I can't remember...

My sketchbook can be dated back to 2021 with some old Touken Ranbu and merfolk sketches, but I don't remember actually opening it this year until june...

...and guys, I actually have only a few pages left to fill!!!! I kind of proud of myself. Joining into TCW fandom really did wonders with my creativity and productivity.

I'll get sappy with this probably, but the existence of this blog, a filled up sketchbook in my hand is the very proof that I exist. When bdick fucks me in the brain, I can't remember having these wonderful memories of creating but when my mind clears from the fog, I come up here, looking at my little fortress, looking at my silly doodles, I don't feel that I have to build up everything from the start, and I actually managed to create a safe-place for myself that welcomes me back when I return from those dark places. My art maybe not visually pleasing, my anatomy is shit, but they are mine and most importantly THEY EXIST.

❀ My artistic plans for the future in this blog... ❀ ❀ To continue creating: daily doodles. Not sure about uploading it daily but maybe making compilations from my sketchbook from time-to-time. I'm expecting to have a more relaxed job time-wise, also I'm on a medication now due to my migraines, maybe I won't spend half of my year sleeping just escape from the pain. ❀ Creating character bios for my OC's. ❀ Participating in events/doing challenges: The whole concept is scary for me because deadlines are stressing me out, and I'm a slow artist.

❀ One of the self-made challenge: Redraw my sketchbook from 2012-2014. I probably mentioned that I've found it some time ago and actually chickened out from uploading them because most of the sketches in them are quite... hmm... bpd related without me knowing I had bpd back then (also i don't want them to hide under cut because then what's the point of uploading???). But it would be interesting to redesign them and make a comparison post about it.

❀ be more authentic with my art: my original plan with this blog was to use art to heal myself, and while drawing funny stuff is great, I still believe I'm self-censoring myself both in art and both in personal posts just like I'm masking in real life and it's. fucking. exhausting. My mental fuckery is a part of my life, part of me.

❀ Writing short stories: TCW, TBB, RepComm, million ideas in my head.

❀ Getting started on my Deadshot story: A multichaptered longfic starting from Umbara arc (I wrote ARC again), following the canon events but will deviate at some points.

❀ Getting started on my urban fantasy Coruscant Guard Story.

I could go on but I don't want to set unrealistic and unachievable goals either. YEAR JUST STARTED AND IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!

Thank you for hanging out with me in 2023, thank you for giving me a chance with those prompt-games and requests. I love you guys.

[abuddyforeveryseason]

Alright, this is it, the last of the Buddies.

This, the Buddy for May 11th, marks the end of this little project. It's my 366th upload. As a compilation of all of my previous drawings (you might need to open it in a new tab to see it better), it technically breaks the rule of using only white, black and red, thanks to compression issues on the drawings for March 18th and September 9th. But, well, I figured I did post stuff that didn't break that rule those days, so it doesn't matter. Besides, the project's finished now.

There are some good ones there too, although a lot of them are traces, so I won't be counting those. I liked the pin for May 18th, that's something I had been working on before I started, and I still think it looks better and more polished than my actual art. The sketchy drawing for May 17th is good too, even if it's kind of phoned in.

May 27th looks cute, and June 17th was a good idea, even if the implementation was a bit lazy; but at least it wasn't a trace for once. June 23rd was cool, though I wish I had made it a gif. Lack of time, I guess.

The woman in July 15th looks pretty good, and the gif for July 25th is pretty badass, even if it was a simple one. July 29th was one of my funniest ideas. I like the shading for September 7th. September 19th and October 1st were also female figures, I'm proud enough of those. Some of the drawings on the template for October 3rd were good. October 16th looks pretty good, something I'd use on a comic.

The first "strip" on October 23rd was a pain to make, but I like the joke in it. The nerdy relationship map on November 15th was fun, but it was more for my benefit, not really special, art-wise.

December 1st was different from my usual style, I like it, even if the anatomy is pretty wrong. The tarot cards on December 17th were an earlier project, but also really nice.

The lighting on the drawing for December 20th was fun to make too. January 16th looks really simple, but I like the vibe of it. The strip for February 3rd was an idea I'm also proud of. More women, on February 11th, 19th and 28th. The negative colors effect on Mach 4th worked better than I expected, too.

I think the gif on March 22nd worked well enough, although I rushed it. The joke on March 26th was something that was on my mind for some time.

There was the strip on April 10th with different versions under the main post, those were nice enough. The gif on April 12th was hard to make, and I'm not too happy with it, but it was an ambitious idea..

The Buddy for May 8th looks the closest to what I had wanted to do as a proper webcomic, so I'm happy with it, although there was some trouble making it, and I was pretty bored with the project already.

But, the best Buddy of the year, in my opinion, was, funny enough, the one for January 23rd. The Rob Liefeld parody. It's funny cause I drew it so it'd look crappy, and, well, it does, but still better than my usual art, just with more lines and cliché Liefeld stuff. Pretty XXXtreme.

It's weird that one of my earlier comic ideas was a Liefeld parody, where a seemingly-normal person would get involved in the world of Liefeld badasses and contrast those comics' anti-logic with the real world. I wrote a lot of it, but gave up about 2/3rds in. Not that there's much point in mocking Rob Liefeld nowadays, anyway.

I'm not sure what'll become of this tumblr now. I'm trying to keep focused on art and distance myself from online dumpster fire discourse, so I'm trying to fill out my new sketchbooks for now.

Anyway, thanks for all the likes throughout the year, I appreciate the interest from everyone who found my silly little OC entertaining enough.

[tryst-art-archive]

Oct. 2012: Chell Cosplay

As indicated in one of the written pieces from this month, I cosplayed as Chell circa Portal 2 for PAX East 2013. Most of the costume was me buying things to create the right look, but I created the boots myself from some go-go boots and a wreath hanger. These are progress shots related to that!

Here's the final boots so you know where we're going:

Here's her character model for reference:

The boots before any modification:

First, I made the open front with straps:

These are the steps as I remember them:

Create a cardstock template and fold it over the boot in the correct place so you can make sure you're cutting the shape you want at the right size.

Trace around the cardstock template using a pen or pencil you can wipe off the boot. I think I used an Expo marker.

Cut out the shape you traced.

Fold over the ragged edges of the shape and find four spots to cut symmetrical slits into, for the bands. This may take some finagling to be sure of.

Cut the slits, but make sure they're tight to the D rings used in the next step.

Take a D ring and slip it through each slit so the rounded edge protrudes and the flat edge is contained in the folded over flap.

Glue everything down with so much Krazy Glue.

Take some felt and cut strips of it to cover the ragged edges and glue on the interior of the boot. This is for your comfort.

Take some double-sided velcro and thread it through each set of D-rings.

Put your foot in the boot and adjust the velcro until its the right tightness. I recommend flipping the velcro so the soft side is toward your skin.

Leaving a little bit of extra for leeway, cut the velcros to size. They should basically form a closed loop.

While these boots had a zipper, after I modified them, I generally got out of them by undoing the velcro and sliding out. Either method was possible, but I found that easier and less likely to damage the D-ring situation.

I also generally adjusted the Velcro strips over the course of the day when wearing these. This was less about loosening and tightening and more about varying the feel of the straps against my leg so that they weren't bothering me over time.

The next steps were getting the right markings on the boots and trying to disguise the heel.

I decided to not go for the hoof style shoe, given I'd be walking around in these for a long time, so I needed the support of the stiletto but didn't want it to draw the eye.

I recognize that "walk for a long time in a stiletto go-go boot" probably sounds absurd, so this is where I remind you that I'd been wearing exclusively high heeled shoes for two solid years, such that flat shoes were painful for me. Wearing something like this for a long time was actually totally feasible. I did, however, get little gel inserts for the ball of the foot/toe area and stick those in there, as I found that the way the front platform was shaped caused me to roll otherwise.

Steps for the painting:

Stuff the boot full of stiff paper or, ideally, a boot hanger so that it holds the shape it will be in while worn.

Based on reference images, sketch out the shape of each black area of Chell's boots onto cardstock.

Apply the cardstock to the boots and, using a pen or pencil you can wipe off easily, trace the shape of the cardstock onto the boot. Use the same piece for each boot so they match.

Take a generous amount of painter's tape and apply it around the edges of each shape that you need to paint. Make sure to give yourself an inch or more of space between the edge of the shape and where the tape ends.

I used some kind of acrylic paint for this, but I'd recommend researching a better option if you're working with pleather or vinyl like I was. Similarly, I'd recommend gently roughing up the surface of the shoe in the area that you're painting to try to encourage the paint to stick better, but maybe research if that makes sense, too.

Paint all of the shapes black and paint the heel and platform black, too. The heel should blend into the sole/black shapes as much as possible. Be generous with the paint.

Let the paint dry. You may need multiple coats.

Remove the painter's tape and use a white paint equivalent to the black paint to cover up any areas where the black paint bled past the tape or spots where the shapes of the designs look off. This may also take multiple coats.

Let dry.

The final step was adding the struts to the back of the boots!

Acquire an over-the-door wreath hanger or two. I used 1 that had hooks for both sides of the door. You want the metal of the hanger to have some give, such that you could bend it by hand but it isn't going to lose shape at a slightly resistance.

Using a jeweler's saw, cut the wreath hanger in half so that you have two separate hooks.

Put on the boots and use your hands to adjust the shape of one of the hanger halves so that it conforms to your calf and then juts out from the boot in a smooth curve. Use reference of Chell's boots to get the right look.

Repeat that step for the other boot and hanger half.

Find paper or a boot hanger to stuff the boots with so that they hold their shape without you having to wear them.

Use a generous amount of crazy glue to attach each hanger half to each boot in the shape you made. For the hanger I had, I aligned the top edge (where I'd cut it) along the top of the boot and had the hanger follow the back seam of the boot.

Allow the glue to dry.

Put the boots on and walk around in them a bit to test the struts. If you find gaps forming between the boot and hanger, take the boots off and apply more glue. If you find the bottom of the struts are scraping the floor or getting caught on things, use your hands to adjust the curve of the struts so they have less direct contact while still retaining a visual of contact.

If you lined the top of the strut up with the top of the boot, you'll want to take some scrap fabric from the piece of boot you cut out previously, cut off a couple of inches of the curved bottom, and fold it over the top of the boot where the strut is glued on. Glue this down and let dry. (Your legs will thank you.)

Acquire some pliable black crafting foam sheets and thick-ish black felt.

Cut out rectangles of craft foam and fold it over the bottom tip of each strut, gluing each piece on, until you've built up a softened nub. This is to be nice to floors.

Cut a piece of felt to the width of the bottom of the foam pads where they touch the floor and glue this on as well. This is to reduce catching.

Put the boots on and walk around in them to test them one more time.

Use your hands to adjust the curve of the struts if you find yourself catching, stepping on the struts, or otherwise having difficulties with the struts. Also use this time to do a final stress test on the D-rings and velcro straps. Use scrap fabric from cutting the boots before to strengthen the bind between the D-rings and the boots if you find them slipping out of place.

All done~

For the Portal Gun, I just bought a thing, but here's some goof photos:

While buying that instead of making it is less impressive, I've found it to be a big hit with kiddos both at the con and when handing out Halloween candy. Since I bought it, it's not all that delicate, which means I could hand it off to the kids to play with for a bit. I particularly remember that when nerdy families would want to snap a pic of my cosplay, they'd often have their kid in the photo with me, and I'd give the Portal Gun to the kid to hold. They loved it.

Unfortunately I don't actually seem to have pics of the complete cosplay that shows all the bits of it. There's a non-zero possibility I find some in future archive folder, tho.

As far as longevity for my heavily glued monstrosity? I do still have the boots to this day, meaning they outlasted literally every other part of the costume except the Portal Gun (which hangs out with my video game figures in my living room). Every other piece eventually got destroyed (mostly by me sweating or gaining weight).

That said, they did generally need repairs after each wear. Most commonly, the paint would flake off, and I'd need to fill in gaps.

The other common failing was the D-rings which slipped out very frequently until I increased the leeway on the velcro straps and used scrap fabric to make the connection between the rings and the boots stronger.

Similarly, the felt bits on the interior had a tendency to rub off, which I honestly never fully solved. I'd generally just wind up stuffing things around the edges of the open front to make it not chafe, which sometimes meant just stuffing the felt back into place. I did find that adding wider felt strips helped a bit, possibly because the placement didn't have to be as precise.

Interestingly, the struts literally never caused a problem. They just worked.

One fun story: when I first wore this cosplay to PAX, I went with the jumpsuit on for convenience, and the looks I got on the T were priceless~ I think some commuters thought I was literally fresh out of prison, haha.

[chaoticgremlinwholikescheese]

Today was my first day at the National Military Archives to research my veterans for my book. It was an incredible experience. It was holy, spiritual, I don't know how to explain it. It was just... powerful.

Here are some of the things from today that stuck out to me:

Russel Braga's item list

This stuck out to me because it was so simple. There was no military jargon. It's simply a list of what he had with him when he died. There are two ways of looking at it; in one way, this is almost cruel. He's been relegated to a list. No longer a person, only left over objects.

But to me, it didn't feel like that. Most of what I know about him is army related. This, this gave me an idea of who he was. He smoked a pipe. He wore sunglasses. He wore a watch. He had a religious medallion. Letters from family and friends.

When I read this, I started to cry. It was both out of joy, joy that I'd found information about him. But also grief. Grief for a man I'd never met, who died long before I was born. But now, I can keep him alive in some way.

This is why I do this research. Not for the military aspect; in fact, I have a deep hatred for the military industrial complex. It's for the stories. For the memories. For the people I have gotten to know.

2. Phillip Doty's death form

All the death certificates were impactful. Phillip Doty's hit even more than the others. I knew he died in a plane crash. I didn't know the exact details of his death. Reading about the burns, the way he suffered, and eventually died, struck me in the gut.

I asked my dad about the medical stuff, and the clarification helped me to understand what he went through. He suffered. I had to take a moment to process what I was reading before I could move on. These people have come to mean a lot to me. They're more than just names on paper.

3. Letters from Wagner's mother

The letters from family members asking for information about their kids were powerful. You could feel the pain, the fear, in their words. They still held out hope. But reading these now, I know the outcome. I know that the hope was in vain. I felt like an intruder. I was never meant to read these, yet I did anyway.

What struck me as well was the way the government responded. It was the same letter each time. It was from a template, the names and basic information filling in the formatted blanks. It was so bureaucratic. It made me feel angry. There was no empathy.

There is so much emotion in these letters. It's intense. Holding them in my hands, it was almost like I could feel their emotions flowing through me. They're long dead now. But their words live on.

4. Bassett's recommendation letters

Bassett was a theater nerd, just like me (and undoubtedly many of you). He even had a patent for a dolly system. Reading about his accomplishments, and how highly everyone thought of him, was a fun experience. I found myself smiling at the kind words people had written.

Bassett received multiple promotions. He was highly respected and well liked by both his commanding officers and fellow soldiers. One officer put him up for a promotion, but Bassett was refused the promotion due to him not knowing shorthand well enough yet. In my opinion, that's a stupid reason to deny a clearly qualified candidate a well deserved promotion. But, thus is the army.

I loved getting to know Bassett through these letters. I'd like to think we would have gotten along as fellow theater nerds. He was a good guy. He seems like a kind soul.

5. Their signatures

There was something so fucking incredible about seeing their signatures in person. I could trace the ink they wrote with. Their handwriting was unique, a view into who they were.

I touched a piece of paper they touched. It was a sort of connection across time. It was a powerful experience. I can't really put it into words. It was just... it pierced my soul in a beautiful way.

I don't think there's any way to explain what I've experienced today. This was one of the most important, life-changing experiences of my life. I can't put into words what it has meant to me.

In a way, I finally got to meet the people I've been researching all these years.

[bacchicly]

One of my accommodation recommendations was to take 2 hours a week to "plan my week" and "organise my affairs". So far I have done like 9 hours getting set up so that I can "correctly" do the 2 hours a week because the first time I tried it - it just sparked all my anxiety that I was doing it wrong and wasting my time. Fortunately, my boss is being amazing and listened to me as I went through the options table (!) I set up and formally agreed to all my recommendations.

(I made myself only put forward two options for each of the elements I was debating which included : when would be the best time - a single 2 hour block or break it up - whether to try using Outlook tasks AGAIN (DON'T DO IT! IT IS A BACCHIC-STYLE NIGHTMARE EVERY TIME) - whether to use timeblocks by task (BAD IDEA - I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE AND IT IS DISASTROUS) or by project with a rolling prioritized to do list (this is what I am going to try again...we'll see... I should re-read the "Now Habit" maybe...) - and whether to have the two hours have a standing agenda with predetermined time blocks OR a standing agenda with the first item being "establish how much time for each item".

...also I would like to point out that it's not really an accommodation - it's more of a prescription for a thing I have already tried to do several times over the last few years with inconsistent success... as kind of an attempt to get me to "really do it" this time...and a gentle nudge for bosses to help support me in it... but fair enough.

Anyways - I now have a new centralised todo list, time block log, and planning time standing agenda (all as simple as I could stand and in one note since my two rules are NO PAPER and NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CREATE "THE PERFECT" EXCEL SPREADSHEET (which is stupidly tempting - but I do not have time for - this is also why I am not allowed to use MS Tasks unless the whole team is using it and someone else is setting the protocols - because if it's me... suddenly the developer tab is open and I am trying to add the fields I feel are missing and I'm googling how to get a report which maps my tasks across a 3D map of something or other because it will "SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS"!)

Anyways - my boss is now on a very well earned vacation for a few weeks and I am to try out the system and report back when he's back. SO WISH ME LUCK!

It is in these moments when ADHD seems both incredibly made up AND incredibly debilitating. It's surreal.

Anyways - this attempt to get on top of time management (attempt #59,766,432) is notably less complex than one I put forward 6 years ago (that one did have an excel template) and is using a bunch of strategies that have actually worked for me....so I guess I have learned stuff and am getting better... but the fact that I still struggle with all this is so frustrating it is literally painful.

[desultory-suggestions]

hey! so, uhm, sorry if answering this makes you uncomfy, or, i understand if you don't want to answer this.

tw!

i recently relapsed, after 4 years clean. could, i have a lil positivity, and tips on how to avoid it? i know i can google search tips, but they all seem so topical and cold. i need to know that someone cares, even if it's just a stranger on the internet (but a very kind stranger).

-they/he

Hello dear!

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I know it is not easy, but seeking support is a sign of great strength. I am so sorry to hear you’re struggling with a relapse. I think this is referring to self harm, but if you are referring to an eating disorder, substance use, or something else please let me know and I can reply with an adjusted response!

First I want to remind you that you have done nothing wrong. This does not erase or diminish the years of progress you have made. Everyone has the chance of relapse, and many of us do. I myself have absolutely done so, and it’s important to forgive ourselves. You did the best you could in that moment and I know that. All that matters now is helping you return to a safe and solid ground for healing.

Of course is physical safety is important. Keeping any wounds new or old clean and cared for is very important. I know this can be a mental struggle, so turning on a video or something silly can help. Disinfect fresh or relatively fresh wounds, and if you can apply a cream such as Neosporin to reduce risk of infection or damage. Do not bandage over the Neosporin, let it absorb and the area dry. Change bandages frequently and avoid irritants on the area. If the scars do trigger you, you can start applying lotions and skin care such as rosehip oil as soon as they fully heal and scabs are gone.

Avoiding relapse is hard, but it is definitely possible. Many nights are sitting and fighting with yourself until you fall asleep, and that’s unfortunate but true. It’s important to have a Safety Plan made for when you have these difficult times. We can’t think clearly under intense stress, so when you have a clear mind take the opportunity to write out a plan. Here is a good template.

Removing triggers is very important, as is developing coping skills for when you have triggers that are inevitable come up. Rid yourself of any and all objects for self harm. Yes even the ones with other purposes if possible. Keep dull scissors and maybe a safety cutter for kiddos. It has been found repeatedly that simply not having access to a method of self harm vastly effects the likelihood of a person doing so! So keep them away!

Some people need to focus on the feelings, and some need a distraction until the subside. Neither is better than the other!

To process you can journal, talk to yourself out loud about your feelings, pretend you’re comforting a friend and respond to your feelings in that way. Draw about your feelings, create art even if it’s not “good” or pretty. Try making something with your negative feelings and then changing it by adding more positive thoughts and affirmations.

To distract or comfort, a good method is to pile up all of your comfiest things, pick a show, game, book, music, etc. and put it on. Music you find comforting (not music that make you sad!!!) here’s mine! Lay down and give yourself the time to rest. It’s ok to sleep or stay awake, to tune in and out. But just breathe. Let yourself be comfortable. Consider repeating some affirming phrases out loud or in your head:

- I do not deserve pain or harm no matter what

- Harming myself will not make me feel better or fix the things I’m struggling with

- I am going to be okay, it’s okay that I don’t feel good right now

- This will not last forever.

- I am a being of love and I am loved by those around me

If you feel that you cannot sit still and must do something, going for a walk may be helpful. You can also do a workout video, yoga, dance, or choose a task like organizing your space.

If you are struggling with feeling that you need the sensation of self harming, you can try several options. Fidgets are a good start, then you could try snapping a rubber band or hair tie, holding ice on your skin or in your hand, drawing with pen on your skin, or other safe temporary discomforts.

After getting through the worst of it, getting out of that hole is important. Go outside even if you just sit still. Call a friend or text them. Play a game, read at a coffee shop, just move. Try to talk to someone close to you as soon as possible, and if possible contact a therapist for an appointment. Don’t tell yourself it isn’t important, it is! You have been struggling, and while we may think we’re out of the dark and don’t need help, it’s always worth seeking support so you can avoid that darkness in the future.

Remember when in crisis you can always text HOME to 741741 to receive support from a crisis counselor. I can attest this line is very helpful.

Sorry this is a bit messy, it had to be written from my phone! I can tell you that you have my full support, and I know you can do this. Thank you for reaching out, I am always here if you need some comfort or advice! Much love ❤️

-Evan

[youreallyshouldtalkmore]

Fairy Gala_Part 2 + SR Card

A.N: A five part Fairy Gala fanfic with my Twst Yuu Oc Mia! So far, Fairy Gala is my favorite event! You can also see the SR card and full length model for Mia on my Twitter! 

Twisted Wonderland Masterlist

Thank you to everyone that put in the hard work to make these templates and share them!! I for one, appericate it!!

@thoselethalarts​ : Fairy Gala BG

@100night  : SR title card +  Groovied logo

————————————————————————

Mia managed to peel her eyes open to see Vil and Professor Crewel as they entered. Leona was already hating this, but Mia could only mentally nod in approval. 

“What a pair to bring!” cried Ruggie. 

Leona just folded his arms, “Jamil, do you have any idea what you signed us up for?” 

Jamil sighed, “I’m not exactly keen on this myself and with them, we will be run ragged, but getting their help is the only way to succeed. Period. Otherwise, we amateurs will just embarrass ourselves on stage, guaranteed.” 

And so Operation Steal the Show was set in motion. 

Vil glowered darkly, “I see some of us, are not adhering to school rules.” 

It took Mia a minute to realize Vil was commenting on her state of her undress. When she peeled her eyes open, she saw him looking at her. 

“Don’t bother me.” she breathed. She might have said more in other circumstances, but her energy was waning as it was, “It’s boiling…Professor Crewel, how are you wearing a fur coat in this weather?” 

Professor Crewel smirked, “Fashion knows no pain! And really, we are not staying here. We are moving to Pomefiore’s ballroom.” 

Grim asked, “But how's the weather over there?” 

“Sufficient enough.” Vil answered. 

That told Mia nothing, but it couldn’t be any worse than here. 

“Now enough chatter! Get your things and let’s go!” Professor Crewel commanded, promptly turning on his heel and walking out. 

Mia tossed the fan away and grabbed her jacket and tie. Vil just stared at her. She just bared her teeth at him as she passed. 

It was too hot for this! 

On the way to Pomefiore, Professor Crewel spoke, “First order of business is to ensure that you’re all properly dressed. Everybody gets a fitting!” 

“Really? Even the ones not in the show?” asked Ruggie. 

“You still have to blend in with the fairies at the gala. I’m not about to let my pups show up to a formal affair dirty and ungroomed. Rejoice for the most fitting attire you could wear to this party with be selected…by yours truly!”  

“Ho! It’s a little chilly, but not like the Headmage’s office.”  Mia commented as they entered the dorm and made their way to the ballroom.  

Professor Crewel slammed the baton in his hand once, “Now!! It’s time for our fitting!” 

“Mia!!” 

“Nurse Annabelle!! What are you doing here?!” Mia was shocked to see her nurse present and waiting. 

Annabelle was a tiger beastwoman that the Headmage had hired to be a nurse exclusively for Mia. Although, Mia didn’t need to use the nurses' office much, she really appreciated having another female on campus. As such, Mia had come to see Annabelle as an older sister and would often come to chat when she felt the need for some female company. 

Annabelle rushed towards Mia and gave her a critical eye. “Do you have a headache?” 

Mia sputtered, “H-how’d you know that?” 

“Wait, you do?” Kalim’s eyes widened, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Mia waved her hand once, “It’s fine. It’s just the weather whiplashing. I told you my sinus’ ain’t fit for this.” 

Annabelle was almost as tall as Leona, so when she folded her arms and glowered down at Mia, she shivered, “I shall give you a pill before we get started, so it doesn’t get any worse.” 

“Thank you, but wait, why are you here?” 

“Mia, you also need to get fitted.” Professor Crewel stated, “However, it would be inappropriate as you are the only female in this situation. Hence, I called your nurse. She can help you get dress and maintain proper decorum.”

Mia’s head bobbed, eyes wide. She had forgotten about that, but would have quickly been reminded. She mentally thanked Professor Crewel for his foresight. 

“Now’s let’s get started!!” 

—-

Professor Crewel was wearing a proud smirk as he surveyed the group in front of him, “What do you think? Are they sufficiently well groomed?” 

Everyone had finally settled on their outfit, along with a makeup test for the final day. 

“I have to hand it to you, Professor Crewel. The outfits have deliberately muted colors to better highly the beauty of the wearers, giving them a stoic, mysterious look. Yet the loose sleeves and untucked shirt retain a certain rugged air, windswept indeed!”, was Vil’s commentary. 

Jamil sighed, “You threw more outfits on us than I could count. Put something on, take something off, repeat ad nauseum…” 

“That was more tiring than Spelldrive training.” Ruggie added. 

Kalim was busy looking around and finally questioned, “Uhh…aren’t we missing someone?” 

Professor Crewel spoke, “Mia will be along shortly.” 

Mia had been separated from the boys during her fitting, so no one knew what her final look was going to be. Only Annabelle and Professor Crewel had seen it so far. Idle chatter stopped when suddenly the door opened. 

They could hear Nurse Annabelle’s voice of encouragement, “Don’t be shy, Mia! You look gorgeous!” 

It took another second after, but Mia slowly entered the ballroom. Shyness had overcome her, so her eyes were downcast, and she missed the initial reactions. Ruggie’s eyes had widen, his mouth falling open. Jamil’s eyes had widened while Kalim was grinning. Even Leona couldn’t help but to stare for a minute longer. 

Professor Crewel smirked as he turned to Vil who looked pleasantly surprised. 

Kalim was the first to break the air, “Miiiiia, you are so beautiful!!!” 

Mia looked up then shyly, clasping her hands behind her back, swinging her body back and forth slightly. Was it them, or did her long piece of curled hair atop her head, began to swish back and forth as well?  

“Thank you, Kalim!” 

“Yes, you’re….you’re beautiful!” Ruggie couldn’t think of anything else to say. Come to think of it, he had never seen Mia in anything else other than a school uniform or her casual clothes. 

Leona smirked, “I guess you don’t look half-bad yourself for a herbivore.” 

Jamil gave a rare smile, “Indeed. Mia, you are certainly going to fit right in at a fairy engagement.” 

Mia took the compliment with a shy smile before saying, “Thank you. All of you look so amazing. Very handsome!” 

The boys looked various ranges from smug to pleased. 

Mia looked down at herself briefly, “Now that I think about it, this is the first time I’m wearing a dress since coming to Twisted Wonderland. Especially one of this caliber. I feel a little awkward….” 

“I can tell.” Vil growled, watching as she began to absently twist part of her dress, “Stop that!!” 

Mia stilled. 

Vil folded his arms and barked, “Stand up straighter, hold your head high and let your arms naturally swing around.” 

Mia tried to do what he said, her eyes widing. 

Vil continued, “I don’t want you all to get relaxed! This is half the battle! The other is yet to begin! Even a silk shirt can look like a paper bag if the one wearing it doesn’t move with beauty and grace. If you want to achieve an attention grabbing performance at a fashion show, you’ll need two things: a beautiful walk and a beautiful performance. Now walk from one end of the room to the other.” 

Ruggie hung back with Mia until Vil glared at them. 

“What us, too?” Mia asked. 

“You will not be performing, but both of you will be posing as fairies. I need to make sure that all of you have at least some level of proficiency. Now walk…” 

After the group walked from one end of the room and back, they stopped in front of Vil. 

“I must admit I'm surprised. I wasn’t expecting you to be half this graceful!” 

Everyone gave small smiles at the rare praise from Vil before addressed each person. Jamil and Kalim got glowing reviews, but Mia cringed to see Vil tearing into Leona. Mia did wander if Leona was even trying. 

Vil turned to Ruggie who froze, “Ruggie. You weren’t half as bad if you put your mind to it. It wasn’t as polish, but a few more steps, and it will be acceptable.” 

“Mia…” 

Mia tensed at Vil addressing her. 

“It’s so obvious you were so uncomfortable that I ache just watching you.” 

Mia began to absently scratch at her cheek. 

“Stop touching, you’ll ruin your makeup!” 

Mia let out a loud groan at this, “Hold on a second! I’m not that bad, and besides I’m not the model. These three are!” 

“Even if you will be supporting Ruggie, both of you need to be presentable. Your lack of confidence will attract attention. Just like now! You keep fiddling with your outfit!!

Grim mumbled from the perch on the window, “I’m glad I don’t have two legs right now so I don’t have to be subjected to this.”  

Mia’s stopped her hands before snapping, “What am I suppose to with my hands? If I get nervous, I tend to play with them.” 

Professor Crewel tapped his baton in his hand, “Hm, simple solution for that is to put something in your hands and make a conscious effort to play with it elegantly! Question is, what shall we give you?” 

Vil eyed Mia, “If that is what we are going with, it must be something that fits the theme, goes with her outfit and gives her confidence. And all three must be given the same importance.”

Mia sure didn’t know what that would be, but then an unliked exclamation came. 

“Ahhhh!! I got it!!” Kalim almost yelled. 

“Don’t do that!” Jamil admonished before asking, “And what is it?” 

Kalim grinned, “Get her a fan!” 

Mia blinked. 

“A fan?” Professor Crewel asked. 

“Yes, you should have seen how elegant she was with it earlier.” 

“I was?”

Kalim grinned, “Yes! I think so! You waved and snapped it quite well, almost as if it was a natural extension of your hand.” 

Jamil held his chin and looked thoughtfully at Mia, “Since you mentioned it…” 

Professor Crewel started for the door, “Then we shall try that. Wait a moment. I shall go fetch one.” 

Ten minutes later, Professor Crewel handed her a fan. They watched her eyes lit up at it. 

“It’s so beautiful!!” she breathed before snapping it open. Then she brought it to her chest and tapped it a few times, a small smile on her face. When she looked up, she saw everyone looking at her. 

“What?” 

“Professor, did you see that?” Vil asked. 

Professor Crewel smirked, “Indeed.” 

Kalim almost jumped up and down with a laugh, “See! I knew it would work!” 

Ruggie grinned, “I think I see what you mean now!” 

Leona and Jamil smirked. 

And Mia was confused as jack. She glanced at everyone in the room, “What? What happened?” 

Vil spoke, “You have a natural charm that you are clearly unaware of. Just by placing that fan in your hands, your whole demeanor changed. You straightened, gaining two inches at least, as well as a sense of confidence. Even with just holding a fan in one hand, you instinctively used your other in a more appealing way. That’s settled, I shall teach you a few fan holding pointers you can use. That will fill in the gaps.” 

Mia had whiplash by the end of Vil’s statement. “Uhh, th-th-thank you?” 

There was a lot of unpack in what Vil said. 

Professor Crewel grinned, “Indeed. Well spoken, Schoenheit!! However, now that the fan as been introduced, I shall make a few tweaks to the wardrobe. Continue on, pups. Mia, come with me!” 

Mia was quick to follow the Professor as Vil turned back to the boys. With a steely eye, he looked at Leona, “Now! We shall address the tragedy of your utterly abysmal gait!!” 

Part 3

[da12thkind]

Hey y'all! It's been a hot minute since I last posted something I made, so I wanted to share this!

I'm currently trying to get into the habit of making some "simple/short" games that are only like a few hours long at most under the collective series title of "Kalli's Simple Games." This idea was inspired heavily by the Simple series of games released in Japan.

Volume 1 is actually going to be a remake of my first ever game (made in RPG Maker VX Ace) released on Itch.io called "Refreshing." This remake is going to use GameBoy Color like graphics, a totally different canyon layout, added depth to dungeons, and, if I can pull it off, even a couple of cutscenes!

(Which, just like the original game it's based on, will be made in RPG Maker VX Ace, so... sorry Mac users... I also have a Mac and it pains me, too...)

Digital copies of these games are going to be about $10 with physical, boxed, copies going to be roughly $20.

This is just the template file for the box, and it's still more or less a work in progress. I've seen some other games on Itch.io put their own "ESRB but not really" ratings on their games, so I might do that myself, too.

Progress has been super slow on Teardrop Canyon mostly because I work two jobs (and one of them leaves me emotionally and mentally drained...), but I might be leaving that job soon, which would give me more time to work on these games.

(I also have many other projects that are fighting for my attention which I hope to be able to give them my energy in the future.)

I might retool an old Wordpress blog I still have to turn it into a devlog/all things Kalli blog; that way I can have the main website dedicated to finished stuff like videos.

Anyways, that's it for now! Thanks for reading!

[zablionsea]

I'm very excited for the eventual release of episode G, but with that comes a gigantic heap of wiki editing with it.

I do enjoy getting to be autistic about video game by typing out facts, but I worry it's going to be Forge of Antiphon Info Rush 2: Everything Happens So Much.

You see, during the release of the Forge of Antiphon, a bunch of information had to be added at once. Poring over footage/screenshots for module names/descriptions/images, gathering images to display about the Forge, tweaking the big module list table, pinning down how a certain special stage was unlocked/worked, and making a new Style template just for the Antiphon Armament due to the fundamental differences in its core functions.

And, oh dear, don't even get me started on the pain that was V-COINZ data, that whole thing is still dragging on because we're missing data from higher difficulty level charts (10.5 and above), so the max V-COINZ for those difficulties are unknown.

I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the Forge rush because of the sheer amount of information we had to have put up, and unfortunately, the admin happened to be busy and couldn't help as much as normal. As well, I was in the middle of failing a class for the first time ever, and that was another stressor that eventually made me snap.

I'm trying to prepare ahead of time and make a list of what information will be needed. I'll also work to split the work ahead of time to stop myself from getting overwhelmed to the point of meltdown. I don't want to ruin something I enjoy by going overboard; that'd be horrible.

[k00284075]

Movement Project Statement

My chosen electives for this module were Painting , AMD and PCP.

My project focuses on a combination of movements between women (both platonic and romantic and sexual) along with my experiences as a queer woman and how I move through the world, in particular my experiences of challenging gender and social norms. I took inspiration from, and researched womens and lgbt social movements in history.

Primary research was collected from my own experiences and that of other queer people and women in my life

Secondary Research

PCP and Painting

Tracey Emins and her figure portraits that convery raw female pain

The work of the "See Red Womens Workshops " that were active in the 70s-90s, working with print to assist in social movements.

Louise Bourgeois and her work that documents her experiences being a woman.

AMD

Researched various forms of animation such as motion capture, stop motion and CGI

Referenced my art books for the films Tangled and Spiderman into the Spiderverse to allow me to learn more about what makes characters and backgrounds visually appealing, proportions and composition

PCP: In the screen printing workshops : I used my own experiences of things said to me in regards to my sexuality and used that as a basis for making one of my screen prints. I observed movement and the natural existence of the feminine form through gesture drawing and took the silhouettes and layered them in another screen print to convey the message that all of us are effected/ touched by women around us, they all have an imprint on the people we become.

in the relief/ intaglio workshops: I created a lino stamp of a hand reaching out as I wanted to explore movements of physical touch and the comfort it brings, my favourite image being that of layering the hands in a row which created a visual of a rope which i found to be symbollic in terms of forming strong relationships. When working with Intaglio i continued to work with silhouettes of the female form to create a more abstract image, using colours found in the lesbian flag.

I also researched Lesbian Pulp Fiction which became very popular during the cold war in america, and produced my own satirical novel cover with a digital drawing

Animation: I completes all 5 of the tasks set before us on moodle, which involved the different steps of developing an animation. I researched different forms of animation and learned a lot about the variety in the industry. I developed a short story and with the help of Paul I picked one to storyboard and work on for the remainder of the time in this discipline.

My story was originally about a woman trying on a dress and simply twirling around but I believed it was missing something initially. So i aged my character down to a child who looks to be more of a "tomboy", so that the dress they wear in my animation is intended to look more like a costume and not something they'd naturally wear. I like the changes I made to my story as I was able to create a character with more depth , and a character that mirrors my own feelings sometimes of femininity and how it effects how i move through a heteronormative society.

I made a storyboard, animatic,a character turnaround and designed a background for my animation. Unfortunately I didn't have the time to complete the animation due to the fact I was learning how to use the softwares for the first time.

Painting : In this module I really enjoyed working with a live nude model for the first time in both the drawing an painting workshops. I developed my skills with both charcoal and acrylic paint and it was fascinating, though challenging working with a live model. I attended a tool making workshop where I had the opportunity to think outside the box and make different tools for applying paint, I found it quite challenging at first as I was hung up on making something "good" rather than just having fun and letting myself experiment. Once i had constructed a few tools i used my templates of the feminine silhouettes again and applied the paint following the movement of their bodies

I also worked on an acrylic painting of me and my partner asleep on a bus while travelling together. It shows two aspects of movement, the bus travelling at speed while the two of us have very little movement, as we sleep beside another

[notgreat-notterrible]

#3. Ok, web designers should be paid more

We had a couple of stressful midterms here, our first semester at BCIT. Coffee and late nights studying, sure, and then we went and got it over with. Brief pain. The whole band-aid.

I never lost more sleep than I did worrying about our personal website assignment. Like advanced psychological torture, this is how you induce elevated levels of stress and severe sleep deprivation. Step one: blank canvas. Step two: worth 30 marks.

And these ain’t any old completion or “you tried” marks. Some requirements were clear cut: a set number of pieces of work/projects to show off and some necessary pages (about, contact, privacy policy). Anything else is up to you, and on you, if you know what I mean. You can spend hours building up block by block and coming away feeling accomplished when you see it take shape and come together, and then the next day you can spend hours trying to figure out why this plugin isn’t doing the thing you need it to do, Googling for help, trying a same-but-different-plugin, dropping in bits of HTML somebody on Quora left on a tangentially related issue twelve years ago, and then convincing yourself that your site will be perfectly fine without that cool feature you really wanted. Like an art form, there is no such thing as time management. There is only messing around and messing up.

Nobody sets out to make a shitty website. But it might end up that way because 1) they literally can’t see colour 2) this font screams “fun” 3) “what do now?” and 4) “oh god, what did I just do?”

Numbers 3 and 4 are interchangeable but also just kinda states of being, all throughout the process?

Once we hit the ground running with our domains and hosting and our about pages, we had carte blanche. Free reign, but with a looming deadline. Like players exiting Vault 101 and stepping out into the wasteland for the first time: breathtaking freedom, but oh so barren and, oh yeah, you’ll probably die out here so get moving. Building a website is fun until you run into a problem.

My portfolio of writing (as well as video and audio work) came together quickly. Wasting my time is my number one hobby and I had no shortage of things I’d worked on previously, good and bad. And if it’s not evident by now, I just *love* talking about myself. I could big up all these things I had rotting away on my hard drive with fun descriptions no problem. Another requirement squared away.

Then it came time for the home page. Here I struggled. Thinking about it began to keep me up at night. Because this was no longer a question of learning the site editor and adding fancy bells and whistles, it was a visual design problem. At this point all I had was pages full of text and media and PDF embeds. It was maybe one step up from whatever we came up with in our Grade 9 Info Tech class, where we learned how to build a simple webpage with HTML. Open tags, close tags. It struck me that even though things are basically drag ‘n drop templates or pre-made themes in EasyWP, with barely any effort you can still create a site that looked like it was made by children—in other words, a real early Oughts-ass looking website. Where were the safety rails? Nobody should have that terrible power. Really irresponsible, is what it is.

I already talked about myself in my about page, I already talked about my work in their respective content pages, so what would my front page say or even look like? It’s 2022 and I haven’t typed a specific url into my address bar in actual years. My daily web experience begins with some sort of feed (it’s Reddit, Reddit is my only feed). So I felt like a moron when I had to Google examples of pretty cool front pages.

But I found one that caught my eye. It had attitude. From the photo choice to the lettering. The gears in my head turned. I found an old photo somewhere in the Cloud some friends and I had taken a couple years ago down in Birch Bay, Washington. An Insta-worthy glam shot. It became my new website cover photo, and it makes me laugh every time I pull up my homepage because what you don’t see (I cropped out), attached to the hand I’m holding, is my buddy’s shockingly hairy arm. And my website was always called “From the mind of Jordan Wong,” from day one. It knows what it's doing. It was only fitting I go with this layout.

I handed my website in and the next day I rolled into class with utmost confidence. Like I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Our instructor, Paul, told us right away that he had a look at our websites… and he’s giving us a week to work on them some more.

It’s a gutpunch that didn’t register until I went up to the front of the room, to show off my website to everybody on the big screens, and Paul told me he looked at mine last night and it was one he actually wanted to talk about. Site functionality issues, I think it was he said. Well god dammit I was already in the captain’s chair and all I could do was plug in the address and hit go with all eyes on me. It felt like an ambush.

So he didn’t like the homepage. Or something. He referred to it as “bold.” Well I told myself, it was a stylistic choice and I stand by it! I liked my magenta/orange colour palette (Zune colours, I call ‘em), I liked that you had the words fade in all cinematically like that, even if you had to scroll down a little. The icon columns were too far down (they were originally below the cover photo). I didn’t see what the big deal was. So I sat on it another few days, and that weekend I came down with a pretty nasty flu? Virus? Whatever it was, it made me sweaty and feverish and put me on the couch for the entire week.

The night before the stupid site was due again, I knew what needed to be done and got myself into a sitting position and got to work. Cover photo: widescreen fix. Don’t know how to do it properly with Photoshop content aware fill and it looks jank. Okay, just live with it. Move my navigation icons higher, assume the user doesn’t know how to scroll down. Done. Now what? The navigation icon columns Paul helped me implement are breaking the hyperlinks on my rightmost column—and only if I mouseover from the right? Google has no solutions. Resizing the column widths does nothing, nor does changing the number of columns there are. Disaster. I was about to delete the columns completely when I decided to try throwing an animation on that block.

Whatever it did, it worked. It made the Contact icon and text link clickable again.

Except… that animation wouldn’t fire off at the same time as the title. I had to scroll a tiny bit down before it did. I refreshed and tried again. Nothing again until I scrolled. I panicked.

Oh my god, Paul’s going to think I’m an asshole, I thought. I assure you, I wasn’t deliberately trying to make visitors scroll down this time. Moving the blocks as high as they could go did nothing. Adjusting the height of the cover photo did nothing. It was already 12 o’clock midnight and I needed to wake up at 6:15AM for school, still feverish. (There was an un-skippable engagement for another class: a 20-minute meeting that I waited in my car almost two hours for, by the way.) I couldn’t go to bed until I’d solved the issue. I went so far as to try rebuilding the entire front page from scratch but had to stop when I couldn’t remember how to get my cover photo stretched full screen, nor could I remember how to get the font for my titles the same as it was previously. (Protip: copy block, paste block.)

In the end I think I got it. I had a block of similar icons on another page that I copied over and just swapped the icons and links. This one seemed to play nicer, seemed to fire off its animation at the same time as my bold, beautiful title text, so all hyperlinks worked. The moment I saw that, I saved it up and called it a night. I didn’t want to touch it again lest something else break.

So that was my foray into web design. A minute to break, a literal hour to put back. Hours spent writing content and organizing layouts, and hours wasted trying and failing to put in new fancy features. Dreaming too big and getting slapped back to reality. For instance, I went through four or five different PDF embed plugins before settling for embedding Google Drive PDFs with an iframe. Not the prettiest but it'll have to do. I was really, really trying to get the flowpaper plugin working.

I’ve always been a form over function guy. Sue me. But I’ll stick to my guns: I know what I like. Even if I need to find a workaround. The Fantastic Mr. Fox clip I have on my contact page, technically against the rules of the assignment by way of implementation (so a pretty easy fix) but when pointed out the first time, before Paul could elaborate, I couldn’t have been more resolute and quicker on the draw when I said, “I’m keeping that.”

Wanna check out my site? jordan-wong.com

EDIT: Reviews are in!!! One website critic (it's Paul) gave it 29.5/30! I definitely won't let that go to my head or anything.

[ao3commentoftheday]

not sure if its the appropriate blog to send this to but the culture around "dont just like/give kudos, reblog & add comments!!" has just made me stop engaging so much in fandom at all. i have completely stopped using the like button for art/fic even if im reblogging it, just in case they dont notice ive rbed it as well or if i put it on a sideblog, and with fics especially if i cant think of something to say in the tags i dont reblog it [1/3]

the thought of the author being disappointed or angry with me for not commenting/only writing a word or two/giving a templated response is too much and stresses me out completely, especially since ive seen multiple creators calling their fans out either via vagueposts or by @ing/screenshotting peoples urls to shame them. i fully and completely understand why creators need the feedback - i myself post stuff occasionally and it does suck when its paid very little attention [2/3]

- but that culture that came up around it was so utterly paralysing to me that im largely disengaged at this point. i feel it has cooled down now but it had a real anger to it for so long that i just feel low key guilty for even looking at free fanworks at this point. you were one of the first bigger blogs i saw who loudly went against that culture so i did want to say thanks but idk what, if anything, there is i can do about feeling this way [3/3]

-

*hugs* this is definitely a good blog to bring this question to. I’ve talked a lot about this, and I think it’s something that needs to be discussed more. 

Authors who are doing this are bullying their readership and their fellow fans. 

Yes, it hurts when people don’t visibly appreciate your hard work. Yes, it’s painful when other authors get attention you don’t. Yes, it can be demotivating and heartbreaking when you share something you love and hear nothing back. 

None of that is a reason to lash out at people, to screenshot and shame them, or to make people feel guilty over something they do in their free time for fun. 

Because guess what? Writing fic is also something you do in your free time for fun. If it’s not fun anymore, the solution isn’t to browbeat others into making it fun for you. The solution is either taking a break and changing your focus or finding something else that’s fun about writing since comments and kudos aren’t a reliable source of serotonin. 

All of this is to say, anon, that there’s nothing at all wrong with reading fic and not saying anything afterwards. There’s nothing wrong with giving a thumbs up or a like or a kudos and leaving it at that. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet, or not having anything to say or being tired or just not wanting to comment. 

You’ll probably need to consciously remind yourself for a while that reading without commenting is okay. Reading without leaving kudos is okay. Liking without reblogging is okay. It’s your blog, your time, your thoughts and feelings and you get to do (or not do) whatever you want with them. 

*hugs* I’m really sorry that you’ve been made to feel this way, anon, and I hope it gets better for you. I hope those authors are able to find their happiness again too. I’ve been in that dark place where they are and it’s not a fun place to be. I’m so glad that I was able to make it out to the other side.