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yoongiseesawmp3 · 7 months

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u got it bad - san (m)

summary: baseball player!san x reporter!reader. you've been covering your local team for years. the players, the coaches, everybody knows you. except for newbie choi san. he just joined the team, but he knows you from somewhere...maybe the bar last night?

word count: 14.5k

warnings: lots of baseball jargon, afab reader, sex (some protected some not), thigh riding, oral (barely. m receiving tho), a little cockwarming

masterlist

you love your job. as a kid, you always dreamed of working here, walking into this stadium every day, and doing what you loved most. granted, back then you were imagining yourself as one of the players, but oh well. a girl can still dream, right?

you landed the job as sideline reporter for your favorite baseball team right out of college. they wanted someone willing to stick around for a while, and you recall telling them in your interview, "if i start working here, you'll never be able to get rid of me." they loved it, and they loved that you were a hometown supporter. it made your stories more meaningful, gave you a point of view that fans could appreciate. you were able to write touching pieces on the players, give the season the dramatic arc on camera that it deserved, and you treated everyone at the team with respect. that respect went both ways, with the players, coaches, front office staff...everyone knew who you were and included you as if you were a part of the team.

you had to work hard for that respect. it didn't take long for you to prove yourself, but it did take several sleepless nights and countless overtime hours to become the reporter you are. you know everything about this team, and that's what makes you so good.

because you know eveything, you obviously know that they're close to signing star right fielder choi san. you've heard talk that it's basically done, he flew in this morning and is set to sign his contract first thing tomorrow. of course, you had memorized his past work jumping around the league as soon as the rumors started. it was your job, after all, to know these things. you knew he was great on the field, that was easy, but everyone loved him in the dugout. he's the kind of player that remembers everyone's names, brings gifts for the team around the holidays, asks about your family when he sees you. he's a stand up guy, you hear.

you've also heard that he likes to play the field outside of the stadium, if you catch my drift. he's very popular with the ladies in whatever city he deems to call home for that season, and as you walk through your favorite bar outside the stadium, you can tell the women here already know choi san is close by.

one thing you do not know is that san is in this bar, right now. yes, he's signing his contract tomorrow, but he wanted to visit the stadium today, when it was still quiet. he likes getting the feel of a team before he joins, so he wandered around the empty stadium a few times before coming here to clear his head. upon entering, he sees his face plastered on all the tvs as espn does a deep dive into what his move here might mean. he thought he was screwed, that people would immediately notice him, but so far so good. he's got a nondescript cap on and dark sweats, so he hopes his booth in the corner is enough to keep him hidden while he has a celebratory pint. he doesn't report to training until day after tomorrow, so he thought he could treat himself tonight.

as he sits and drinks, soaking in the atmosphere, he has to laugh. he wants to stay hidden, but really, with his likeness and his entire career plastered on every screen above the bar, you'd think someone would know. at least look at him and make a comment about the resemblance. but it doesn't seem like anyone here knows a thing.

except you. as you sit at the bar, swirling the straw in your glass, you take a look around. there's some regulars that smile and wave, but for the most part it's not that busy. maybe that's what makes him stand out more. your eyes fall on choi san, all star right fielder and the newest member of your team, trying to hide in the corner. but his sharp eyes and broad shoulders alert you immediately that the subject of all your recent studies is here. and he's staring at you. you stare back, and he quirks an eyebrow, almost like a challenge.

you take the bait and make your way to his table.

"anyone sittin' here?" you ask in a slight southern accent, and san smiles. it's been a while since he played in the south. he forgot how charming it can be. maybe he'll catch himself a southern belle while he's here.

"saved it for you," he smirks, and you hum as you sit across from him. he sees your almost empty glass and states, "looks like you need another."

"ah, i probably shouldn't," you shake your head. "got an early morning."

"me too," san nods, that smirk still comfortably on his face. "so what's your name, beautiful?"

"y/n," you reply. you try not to let your heart flutter at the nickname, or the way he's staring at you, but it's hard. "yours?"

"san," he says simply. "you from here, y/n?"

"born and raised," you answer. "you new to the city?"

"you could say that," he sighs. "just moved here for work, but i've visited a couple times."

"how are you likin' it so far?"

"to be honest?" he makes a face. "it's kind of boring."

"excuse me?" you're taken aback. you don't take kindly to people badmouthing your hometown, and you don't like the mischievous spark in san's eyes as he continues.

"well, girl as pretty as you not taking me up on my offer of another round, that's no fun is it?" he teases.

"ahah," you laugh halfheartedly. "sure, i can see why that would upset you."

"i'm not upset, doll, just disappointed."

"well, hate to disappoint you further, but i really do have an early morning," you say as you start to rise. "just saw a stranger sittin' all by his lonesome and thought i would say hi."

"i'm glad you did," san raises his glass to you. "maybe i'll see you around?"

"maybe," you shrug, trying to bite back a smile. "nice meeting you san."

you feel his eyes on you as you return your glass to the bar, waving goodbye to the bartender before you head to the door. you turn before you leave, meeting san's eyes across the room, and you just smile to yourself as you step outside.

san is the first one in the clubhouse the next day. he loves the smell of an empty locker room, untainted by the man stench that inevitably comes with a roomful of athletes. he smiles warmly as he walks in and sees his locker decorated in welcome. he's looking through all the gifts, some regulation equipment he asked for and some just goodies from the team, as the players start slowly arriving.

the first to arrive is jongho. he's the catcher, and san finds it easy to talk to him. he seems quiet, but most catchers are the stoic type, so maybe jongho will open up to him in time. the next guy in has the opposite issue. wooyoung, the shortstop, immediately claps san into a hug, babbling a mile a minute about how great it's gonna be to have him on the team.

san gets stuck talking to wooyoung for a while, which he doesn't mind. they get along quickly, but as they talk the rest of the team trickles in. hongjoong, the second baseman, waves to san from across the room. seonghwa, the left fielder, carefully places his things into the locker next to san's, then gives san a wordless handshake and a warm smile. yunho, the first baseman, is spread out at the locker to san's right. mingi, the third baseman, is next to him. wooyoung finally leaves for his locker next to hongjoong, and next to him is yeosang, the center fielder. pitchers must not report today, because san scans the room and counts eight.

he checks the time and notices he's almost late for his press conference, so he gets to work getting dressed before someone appears at his side to escort him down the hall. she works in media relations and gives him the run down of the conference, explaining that the coach will do a quick intro before san comes up to say a few words. they'll shake hands, he'll sign his contract, and then take a few questions before reporting to more press stuff. nothing he hasn't done before, but san still brushes his sweaty hands on his pants to calm his nerves as they enter.

san hears the chatter of the press die down as their eyes fall on him. it's a big room, lots of reporters and cameras, and he smiles and waves as he gets ushered to the side of the makeshift stage in the front. the coach steps up then, welcoming everyone and giving a bit of insight on why they wanted to sign san. this team desperately needed a right fielder, so in all the negotiations it was basically just their operations team begging san to come play for them. the coach paints it a different way, and san does his best to grab onto a few phrases so he can sprinkle them into his own speech. the coach calls him up and san takes a seat next to him, falling smoothly into his regular "happy to be here, excited at the opportunity" spiel. he scans the room and recognizes a few faces, so he gets more comfortable as he goes on.

"i think at the end of the day, i'm looking for a team that i can be with for a long time," san starts to conclude. "and so far, i'm really liking it here. maybe this will be that team."

he goes through the motions of signing, shaking hands, posing for pictures, and then settles back into his seat for the question portion. at his other teams, he's been allowed to pick the press he talks to, so he scans the room for familiar faces, but media relations steps in and starts calling names. the first one takes him by surprise, and a smile grows on his face as he sees who steps up.

"y/f/n, local news," you smile back at san as the recognition crosses his features. "you said you're liking the city so far? can i ask what makes you think this team, this franchise, will be the one to make you stay?"

"you were at the bar last night," he responds, and you feel yourself blush. a chuckle ripples through the crowd of reporters as san goes on. "sorry, just. this is a surprise, is all."

"i agree," you quip back. "because yesterday you told me you didn't like this city. so i'm just wondering what made you change your mind."

"honestly? the people," he answers sincerely, holding your gaze. "it's hard to explain, but things feel...different here. i've never been with a team where the players are so welcoming, the staff is so kind, and the reporters are hanging out at local bars after hours." another laugh. "so i think this franchise might have more of the culture i've been missing from those other teams i've played for. that answer your question, y/n?"

"yep," you give him a satisfied nod. "happy to have you here, san."

"happy to be here," he smiles, and you swear the lights from all the cameras make his teeth sparkle. he keeps staring at you as media relations calls for the next question, and only when his attention is no longer on you do you realize that your heart is beating too fast.

today's only a press day for the boys, there's no actual training that needs to happen, but that doesn't mean the clubhouse is calm. no, actually, there's more people here than there will be for the rest of the season, what with all the camera crews and a few stylists running around. oh, and the fact that everyone who works here wants to get a peek at choi san. he left the press conference and saw a group down the hall, staring and whispering. san wasn't sure which way to go to find the locker room, so he approaches the group with a smile. turns out it's front office staff, part timers, anyone who works here that needed to see san with their own eyes to believe he's really playing here. he's charming as ever, learning everyone's names, signing things, taking pictures. he even stands by happily as an older woman calls her grandsons, and they laugh together as the little boys squeal in excitement.

san stays until everyone has what they wanted, which must have taken a while, because he sees the press trickling out toward the exit. he keeps his eyes peeled for one person in particular, and when you pass through the doors and turn san's way, he smiles. you stop, eyes focused on the notebook you're furiously scribbling in, so you don't see him. that won't do, san thinks, so walks over and stops in front of you with a sigh.

"what do you want san," you ask it as a statement, eyes not moving from your notes.

"how'd you know it was me?"

"i know everything," you look up then, meeting his smile with one of your own. "and you've got cleats on, so i knew it wasn't anybody from your fan club coming to ask for my notes."

"my fan club?" he laughs, but you can tell it boosts his ego. "i think they're just fans of the team."

"are you always like this?" you ask thoughtfully, and san says he doesn't know what you're talking about. "you're not cocky, but you're humble, and you're cocky about being humble. does that make sense?" you stop to scribble that down, and san tries again to see what else you've written. you catch him this time, tugging the notes just out of his line of sight. "don't you have pictures to take?"

"how'd you-"

"i told you, i know everything," you joke again, taking a moment to stuff your pen back in your bag. that leaves your notebook unattended, and san snatches it, running a few steps down the hall with evil glee. you stomp after him and fail in grabbing it from his eager hands.

"hey, this is good," san reads, his eyes scanning the paper. "you write all your stuff by hand?"

"depends," you shrug. "i started getting bored at the end of that talk and i needed to organize my thoughts."

"oh i can tell you were bored," san smirks, his eyes flicking to you. "i like the doodle of me."

"that doodle could be of anybody," you say as you finally snatch your notebook back. you put it securely in your bag as san continues to look smug.

"i think it was a doodle of me," he says as he starts walking away. "if you ever want me to sit for another portrait, you know where to find me, doll."

"where ya goin'?" you ask him, and he stops. he looks down the hall in front of him back towards you with his thumb pointing behind him.

"to the locker room?"

"that's this way dummy," you point, and you're pleased to see his ears turn red as he corrects his steps. you're heading to the exit, so you walk in the same direction briefly. san slows his steps to keep up with you, and he's so close that his hand keeps brushing yours.

"looks like this is where i leave ya, doll," he sighs, and you wave as you keep walking. "i'll see you soon?"

"you'd like that wouldn't you?" you turn around with a smirk, watching san as you push through the doors to the parking lot. "bye san."

san loves the first practice of the season. he loves the feeling of walking onto a brand new field, seeing the empty stadium ahead. at his his other teams, he's had to make this walk alone, his former teammates usually more reserved or too good to talk to him. not here, though. as he takes the field, he finds himself engrossed in a deep argument with jongho and wooyoung about the best world series team of all time, and san feels giddy. he feels like he did when he was a kid, playing ball with his friends, and it's only the first day of practice! imagine what an entire season here would be like. every day, san is thankful he made this move.

another reason for san to be happy he's here is, well, you. working with the press at other teams wasn't exactly a thrill, but rather a part of the job he had to get through. here he's eager to give a statement, always willing to join a press conference, just to have the chance of messing with you.

as he makes the long walk to the outfield for warm ups, san sees someone by the visitor's dugout who's not in uniform. he squints a little in the early morning sun and sees that it's a woman, but assumes it's someone from the front office. he keeps walking, but a laugh echoes out and san turns back to this mystery woman.

"y/n?" he shouts, holding his glove over his eyes to see if that'll block out the sun. sure enough, you turn from your talk with the managers to send him a wave, and that giddy feeling san had walking onto the field is back. "what are you doing here?"

"my job!" you shout back, and with that you go back to work. one of the coaches jogs by san then, tossing a baseball in his direction.

"stop shoutin', son," he says. "go throw that in left field. seonghwa will take you through the warm ups, then we'll come together for drills."

"yes sir," san nods, jogging over to his teammate. he steals one last glance at you, and he swears the sunlight makes you glow.

san is exhausted after practice. he knew playing for this team would challenge him, but damn. he's sore and it's only the first day! he's still catching his breath as the team mills about around him, and yunho smirks as he alerts the boys to san's condition.

"i think we wore the superstar out," yunho laughs, and san throws one of his sweaty towels at him. yunho screams and tosses it back, but mingi jumps in to grab it. "what the hell are you doing?"

"this is a sweaty towel used by the choi san," mingi says with importance. "do you know how much i could sell this for?"

"guys, come on," san laughs, snatching the towel back. "i'm not a superstar."

"says the superstar," wooyoung mumbles, and san contemplates throwing the towel again but decides not to, mingi is still close by.

"no, we get it," hongjoong assures him. "just because the press is saying that doesn't mean it's true. you're a part of the team, so you're a team player, right san?"

"yes, exactly-"

"please, i hope everybody is decent!" a familiar voice shouts from the doorway, and san smiles when he finds you standing there. you've got your notebook over your eyes to hide any naked players, but a quick sweep tells san that everyone is dressed for the most part.

"wait, wait!" jongho shouts as he fights to put a clean shirt on. some of the boys chuckle at him while san says, "dude, she's probably seen a guy shirtless before."

"but she's a lady, san," jongho insists. "it's not polite. and i don't like to have my nips out when i'm giving quotes."

"that's why he's my favorite," you say, finally risking a peek. "all good?"

to be honest, san is a little shocked you're here. it's kind of odd for a reporter to be in the locker room after a regular practice, but he trusts this team and how they run things. most importantly, he trusts you. but his shock holds true as you greet the team while making your way straight toward him.

"aw, she's just here for superstar," mingi pouts, and you make him hush.

"i have to publish my story on him today and need to check quotes," you explain. "i'm coming for you next, mingi."

as mingi celebrates, you surprise san further by walking right up to him and taking the seat by his locker. you're flipping through your notebook as he watches you, and after a few seconds you look at him then pat the bench next to you.

"come on, get cozy," you tell him. "you spoke too fast yesterday and i didn't catch all of your answers."

"because you were too busy doodling?" san teases, taking a seat exceptionally close to you.

"that was after you," you explain, but san sees your ears turn red. "can you look through this and tell me if anything rings a bell?"

"y/n, you may be good at your job, but you have shit handwriting," san says after staring at the page long enough for your chicken scratch to make his head hurt. some of the boys near him laugh, and yunho pops his head in to take a look.

"oh yeah that's illegible," yunho confirms. "cute drawing of san, though."

"go away yunho."

"yes ma'am."

you're able to piece together what san said in the press conference, so once you're satisfied you take a moment to type up the changes into your phone. you send the story off to your editor, but then start working through who else you need to talk to today. san is watching all of this, and when your eyebrows furrow in concentration, he leans in.

"i know what you're thinking," he whispers, and you have to shake from your concentration to look him in his sneaky eyes.

"what?"

"i said i know what you're thinking," he repeats with a shrug. when you don't respond, he keeps going. "i bet you're wondering, hm, is san free tonight? well, i am."

"i can't use that for my story," you tell him, and he bumps his shoulder into yours.

"this is when you say if you're free."

"is it?" you ask, gathering your things so you can move on to the next player. "i'm not quite sure about that yet."

"whatever, doll," san smiles. "you know where to find me."

you did know where to find him. you knew he would be at the bar tonight. you knew he wasn't supposed to be there, and you knew you shouldn't go looking for him but you couldn't help yourself. after all, you've got to take yourself out for a drink - you filed your first story of the season today. you deserve to celebrate!

as soon as you walk in you can tell it's a mad house. the bar is packed, and it reminds you of how busy it gets after a game. you wonder if it's just preseason excitement that has so many people here, but you don't wonder long. you're here for a drink, so you squeeze between two guys at the bar and wave the bartender down. everyone here knows you, so you get to cut the line.

"hey y/n," he smiles as he walks up. "want your regular?"

"yeah, but top shelf tonight," you tell him. "finished my first story of the season today."

"is it any good? maybe i'll read this one," the bartender jokes as he gets to work.

"i didn't know you could read," you tease, and you smile when he tosses his head back in a laugh. the sound draws someone's attention, but you're too busy flirting with the bartender to notice.

"and to think i was gonna pay your tab myself," he shakes his head.

"put whatever she gets on mine," someone says at your side, and you physically jump when you recognize who it is.

"san?"

"told you to come find me, doll, why are you surprised i'm here?" he smirks. you can tell he's wearing league issued workout clothes, but to the regulars in the bar he's just some dude in sweats. he's got a ball cap pulled low over his eyes, and if he didn't have such striking features you'd say he was blending in pretty well. "i thought we were getting a drink together."

"are we?" you ask. "because i don't recall you actually asking me." san dips his head, knowing that you caught him in a lie.

"can i get whatever she's drinking?" san asks the bartender as he finally places your drink down, and your mouth hangs open in surprise.

"what's this sparkly shit for?" you ask, flicking at the gold pompom on the toothpick poking out of your cup. there's also swirls of gold in your drink, and the bartender shrugs.

"you said you were celebratin'," he explains. "wanted to make sure the drink rose to the occasion."

"well thank you," you say as you lift the drink to your lips, mostly to hide your blush. san is watching this interaction next to you, doing a horrible job of hiding his disgust.

"here's your drink man," the bartender says, plopping a cup down in front of san. "her's was on the house. i added yours to your tab."

"how generous," san smiles, tipping his cup toward the bartender as he walks away. san turns to you slowly, and says, "he's nice."

"you shouldn't be here."

"why, am i interrupting your date?" san quips.

"no," you roll your eyes. "you shouldn't be seen here. lots of fans, you'll probably get stopped for pictures, autographs, kissing babies..."

"they don't let babies into bars, y/n," san smirks at you. "but thanks for looking out for me."

"isn't against team rules for you to go out during the preseason anyway?" you ask, knowing full well it is.

"i don't like following rules," san shrugs.

"oh so that's why you've played for six different teams in five years?" it's your turn to quip, and san whistles.

"you got me there, ace," he sighs. "so what's this about you celebrating tonight?"

"that's nothing," you try to brush it off. "i sent in that story about you, remember? well, it got approved, so i have a tradition of taking myself out for a drink here when my first story of the season is filed."

"taking yourself out?" san shakes his head. "no, no no no. that won't do. i'm getting you another drink, unless your boyfriend tries to pay for it again, and then we're going out."

"you have to report to practice at 7am," you remind him, and he groans, dropping his head on your shoulder.

"you knowing everything about the team is totally ruining my game."

"aw, you did a fine job of that yourself," you coo, patting his cheek. you cup his chin and pull him back up, and you hide a smile when you notice the blush on his cheeks. "maybe you can owe me? take me out for real?"

"i'd like that," san nods.

"i knew you would," you tease, and san reaches an arm out to pull you into his side. he over calculates and accidentally smacks the guy behind you, who turns around in a drunken haze ready to fight.

"what the-" he starts, anger in his swimming eyes. when they land on san, you both see recognition take over his features in slow motion. "holy shit y'all! it's choi san!"

"come on," you grab san's arm, tugging him in the opposite direction. you think there's an entrance out the back, so hopefully the two of you can squeeze through the masses before too many people catch on. as you drag san behind you, you hear the bar goers talking about the star in their midst. some drunk lady grabs sans arm and won't let go, and he won't shake her off like you tell him to. you get caught, the exit you were hoping for just in the distance. people start crowding around san, trying to wedge between you, but he won't let go of your hand. he finishes signing a bar napkin for a guy who definitely used a fake to get in here, and then you're pulling san along again. the crowd is starting to push, and they're all drunk. and rowdy. and loud.

"aw, look, he's already got himself a bitch!" someone shouts, watching you cling onto san as you push him toward the exit. he stops cold, looking around for the drunken idiot. he reinforces his idiocy by stepping forward, slurring his words as he says, "didn't take you long, son-" *hiccup* "always got sluts lookin' for ya-" *hiccup* "she's a pretty one too-"

before you register what he's doing, san shakes you off of his arm. he steps closer to the man, and you feel yourself calling his name, but in the chaos even you can't hear yourself. san pulls his arm back and clocks the man in the face, splattering blood from his now probably broken nose.

"SAN!" you shout, yanking him back toward you. "let's GO."

adrenaline and shock give you the strength to drag a stunned san out of the bar, but it's so packed there were people in the alley already. they weren't aware of what went on inside, so you're able to tug san around the corner. you rush him toward the parking deck, and thank your lucky stars you moved your car from the employee lot earlier. you shove san into your passenger seat, slamming the door shut so you can rush to the driver's side. as you start the car, you look to the side and see san sinking further into the seat.

"i fucked up," he whispers. you hear a quiver in his voice, but you don't press him. "fuck. i'm gonna get kicked off the team. am i gonna get arrested?"

"you won't get kicked off the team," you tell him softly. "and i'll call the bartender in a minute, explain it to him. just pray that asshole you punched doesn't press charges."

"y/n, i'm so sorry," san says, looking to you with a scared look in his eyes. "i just. i couldn't let him talk to you like that."

"thank you san," you say sincerely. "let me see your hand."

"no, it's fine," he insists, but when you touch it he flinches.

"fuck san, how are you gonna play tomorrow?"

"i'm so losing my job," he shakes his head, sitting up like he's going to leave.

"whoa, where are you going?"

"i have to go apologize," he says, trying to open the door but struggling to do it with his hurt hand. "shit, i have to pay for our drinks, and my car! i need to-"

"san," you say sternly, and he looks to you again with those sad eyes. "i'll fix it. ok? do you trust me?"

"yes," he nods vigorously.

"good," you nod back. "can you buckle your seatbelt or do i have to do that too?"

"where are we going?" san asks after securing his seatbelt. it's a good thing he did, because you whip your car out of its spot so fast his body slams against the strap. "seriously road runner, where are you taking me?"

"we need to fix your hand," you tell him. "i live close by, so i'll fix you up and then in an hour or two i'll bring you back for your car."

"thank you," san says. "you're saving my ass."

"just be really good this season, ok?" you ask him. "it'd be fun to watch my team win for once."

"anything for you, ace."

a few minutes later, you've got a sheepish all-star perched on the edge of your tub as you stand over him and wipe the blood from his hand. you already sent a text to the bartender, so that's cleared up. apparently, san was doing everyone a favor by punching that guy. no one likes him, so san's not in any trouble with the bar. chances are the guy won't press charges either, he tends to start shit around town so the cops wouldn't necessarily be on his side.

the main issue now is the team. there's pictures and videos floating around, and you were right, san wasn't supposed to be out tonight. he's got a missed call from hongjoong already, and you're helping san figure out what to say to the coaches now.

"just own up to it," you tell him. "they'll appreciate the honesty. and tell them you beat that guy up because he was being mean to me, that'll help your case too."

"no," san shakes your head. "i'm not bringing you into this. i don't want to hurt your reputation."

"do it," you shrug. "i was there. i was part of it. if you don't tell them now, i will tomorrow when i do their preseason interviews."

"are you sure?"

"yep," you reply. "it'll help take some of the heat off of you. sources tell me not everyone is sold on you yet, but if they know you were defending my honor it'll get you some respect in the clubhouse."

"do you have blackmail on all these guys?" san jokes as he tries to focus on typing a text with one hand. you're done wiping the blood from his knuckles, and you've found a small cut on his hand that you need to cover. you step away for a second to bend down in front of your sink, searching through the cabinet below. san tries to hide that he's staring, but he does a poor job. he watches still as you stand up and tear open a bandaid, but he scoffs when he sees what's on it. "you are not making me wear a hello kitty bandaid."

"so you want to get infected?" you ask as you put the bandaid on him anyway. you trace your thumb over it softly, making sure it's laying flat, but you realize how tender this moment is. you're holding san's bruised hand in yours, standing so close to him that your legs are between his spread ones. you take a step back, but san uses his free hand to grab you by the waist.

"where you going, doll?" he whispers, looking up at you softly.

"you need an ice pack," you whisper back.

"you're not gonna kiss it to make it better?" he pouts, and you laugh to hide the way your heart skipped a beat.

"that doesn't work you know," you say as you bring his hand to your lips regardless. you place a delicate kiss to his soft skin, holding eye contact with him to watch his reaction.

"you're right, that didn't work," he sighs, and you start to let go. "maybe this will?" he asks, bringing you closer before cupping your face and pulling you down to his lips. he kisses you once, separating from you with a satisfied look on his face. "there. i'm all good now."

"nice," you squeak. "was this all an elaborate ploy to make me kiss you? because you could've just asked."

"really?" san asks gleefully. "will you kiss me?"

"just did."

"again," he pouts, and you lean down to kiss him quickly. he uses both his hands to hold you in place, his lips caressing yours as he lets out a quiet hum. he pulls back just to lean his forehead against yours and says, "yeah, that's got healing power baby."

"you still need ice," you tell him, stepping back before he can grab onto you again. "come on. maybe we can kiss some more in my kitchen?"

san ends up sleeping on your couch. he wouldn't let you leave after fixing up his hand, insisting that you've done enough for him tonight. he'll deal with his car in the morning. you tried giving him the bed, but it barely worked. he wouldn't even let you finish your sentence before he started covering his ears and shaking his head. you gave him an innocent kiss goodnight after setting him up with more pillows and blankets than one guy needs, and you both went to sleep.

except, he wasn't there when you got up. you set your alarm earlier than you planned, but even then you walk into your living room to find all the pillows stacked and blankets neatly folded. the only sign that san was here. well, that and the breakfast he ordered that waits for you on your kitchen table.

san had to be the first one at practice, so he couldn't wait for you to wake up. he also couldn't burden you more than he already has, so he woke before dawn and got to work. his hand feels fine, not great, but he thinks he can get through practice. he's rehearsed what he's going to say to the coaches, the team, the press, and he hopes it's enough.

most of your work for the day will take place in a smaller media room that's been set up for your one-on-one interviews with the coaching staff. that means you have no reason to linger outside the locker room, hoping to see san and check that he's ok. you distract yourself by going over the notes for the first interview, and before you know it, there's a knock at the door. it's the pitching coach, one of your favorite people on the team. he pokes his head in and smiles, so you welcome him as you dive into the same spiel you always do for these interviews. you're a pro, and the guys know what they're doing too, so it should be easy going. but as soon as you sit down to start, the coach stares at you with a look that's up to no good.

"so you were out with san last night," he states.

"i wasn't out with him," you explain. "we happened to be at the same bar."

"i heard he wrecked his hand defending you," the coach continues.

"he wrecked it?" you ask, more concern in your voice than you probably needed. "will he be able to play?"

"he'll play just fine," he nods. "don't you worry. we all heard what happened. shoot, some of the coaches and me were sending the videos back and forth last night. i tell you what, the boy's an idiot, but we've let men get by with worse. like i said, don't you worry."

"good," you breathe in relief. "then should we get started?"

it was a long day, after an incredibly long night, so when it's time for you to leave you're exhausted. you've been all over the place today, trying to keep up with your schedule, tracking people down for interviews, and you misplaced your notebook at least four times. you can't wait to get home, shower, and immediately go to sleep, but as you approach your car you realize you've lost your keys.

"shit," you hiss, dumping most of your bag out onto the hood of your car. you're mining through all your junk, wondering if it's too late to head back inside.

"hey," san says from behind you, and you jump.

"jesus!" you whip around to stare at him. "you scared me!"

"sorry ace," he smiles sheepishly. "thought you heard me coming."

"obviously not!" you screech, your heart still racing. "what's up?"

"looking for these?" he asks, dangling your keychain in front of you.

"oh my god you're a life saver," you sigh in relief, taking the keys from him gratefully. "how did you know these were mine?"

"i recognized them from last night," he shrugs. "and from the mascot keychain. i remember someone saying they had a childhood obsession with phil the bucket?"

"stop paying so much attention to me, could you?" you ask as you start shoveling your things back into your purse.

"here, let me help," san says as he joins you. he holds your purse open as you slide its contents back inside. "i owe you from last night, so consider this my starting point."

"the starting point?" you smile at him, and he nods.

"yep," he says nonchalantly. "first i found your keys, now the bag thing, and next, i don't know, maybe i take you to dinner?"

"hm, tonight?" you ask, and he nods again. "i have plans."

"then cancel them," san replies. you can tell he's joking by the glimmer of mischief in his eyes, but you know he really wants you to say yes.

"where would we go?"

"somewhere nice so i can spoil you," san says simply, closing your purse and walking to the driver's side of your car. "can i pick you up in thirty?"

"thirty minutes isn't enough time to get ready for a date, san," you frown.

"yeah, but any longer and i'll miss you too much," he pouts. you cup his chin and bring that pout to your lips, kissing him softly before you pull away.

"did that buy me another thirty?"

"twenty," he replies. "maybe twenty five if you promise to wear something sexy."

"deal."

as promised, san is outside your building exactly fifty five minutes later. you worried that not having his number and vice versa would make it hard to coordinate, but you're surprised when you check your phone and find that he texted you.

"i'm outside, ace," his text reads. no 'this is san' or anything to identify himself. you know it's him, so you tell him you're coming out.

you worry briefly you won't know which car is his, but as soon as you step outside you let out a soft laugh. of course he's got the most expensive car here, and of course he's leaned against the passenger door waiting for you. he lets out a low whistle as you approach, and you could act coy, but the reporter in you has to ask, "how'd you get my number, san?"

"i'm not giving up my source," he smiles smugly, opening the door for you. "you look incredible."

"it's nice seeing you in something other than baseball clothes for once," you reply. you take his hand and let him help you into the car, watching intently as he crosses the front to reach the driver's side. you're turned to him when he sits, and ask, "seriously. was it hongjoong? one of the coaches? you know they'll be on your ass if they find out you took me on a date."

"i'm not telling," san smirks again. "you gonna buckle your seatbelt or you need me to do it for you?"

"why, you a bad driver or something?" you tease.

"says the woman who gave me whiplash last night."

"i was trying to make a quick getaway before you got stormed by adoring fans again," you remind him.

"always looking out for me," he shakes his head. "i think someone has a crush." you don't respond, instead looking out the window to hide your smile. "you not saying anything isn't helping your case."

"no comment?" you reply, feeling proud at the blush on san's cheeks when you turn back to him. "so where's the superstar taking me?"

"san, the very nice young man you agreed to go out with, is taking you to one of his favorite restaurants," he replies.

"you've lived here like a week, how do you already have a favorite restaurant?"

"there was a place in one of the cities i used to play in, i went there every week," he explains as he drives. you catch yourself staring, but he doesn't seem to mind, so you continue. "the nicest staff. best food. always packed. then one day, it's gone. the owner and his wife moved so they could be closer to their daughter while she was at school, and they ended up here. he gave me a call as soon as my trade was final." you guess a couple places it could be, but they're all wrong. "so ms. know it all doesn't actually know it all?"

"don't call me that," you groan. "there's plenty i don't know."

"enlighten me, ace."

"i can't do math to save my life," you admit, and that gets a laugh out of san. "i don't know how to fold a fitted sheet. and don't tell anyone, but that new stat all the baseball pundits are talking about? it makes no sense to me."

"oh, that's easy," san says, and he falls into a comfortable conversation about baseball. you always wanted this from the guys you date, but despite your work, most guys assume that you don't know anything about sports because you're a woman. you're grateful that you don't feel that way around san, and you start to relax a little bit. you're not on a date with superstar outfielder choi san, you remind yourself. just san. just a, what did he say, a very nice young man?

that niceness continues when he parks his car, rushing to your door to get it for you. he takes your hand to help you out and doesn't let go as you walk in, and you're genuinely shocked that you haven't heard of this place before. it's fabulous, beautiful inside and out, and as soon as you walk in you're hearing san's name called. but this time it's not a fanatic, just a kind looking man and his wife.

"sannie!" she exclaims, pulling him into a soft hug. "oh, it's so nice to see you again. we were so happy when we heard you were coming here. i think it'll be good for you."

"me too," san agrees. he turns to the man then, the owner, and they exchange a manly handshake and similar pleasantries before he turns to you. "this is y/n, by the way. star reporter, loved by all-"

"and way out of your league," the owner winks at you. you feel yourself blush as san agrees, and then he's escorting you to your table. as you walk through the restaurant you notice it's surprisingly empty. didn't san say their last place was always full?

the owner helps you with your seat as his wife explains the specials, but you don't see a menu anywhere. you look at san quizzically and he gives you a look that says he'll explain shortly. after some more kindness, the owner and his wife are gone, and you get a chance to really take this place in.

"if you're wondering where the menu is," san starts, "they won't give us one. they never let me order when i come here, they just decide for me. and it's the best food i've ever had, each time."

"can't wait," you smile at him. "is this place as popular as their last one, you think?"

"i know it is," san nods. "that's why i booked it just for us."

"what?"

"i told them i was bringing a date and they offered to stay open late for us," he shrugs. "i hope that's not weird?"

"no," you reply. "i'm sure they're used to it by now."

"used to what?"

"you bringing dates here," you answer. "i can't be the only lucky lady you've done this with."

"well consider yourself lucky, ace," he says. "you're different."

"like can't be seen in public with me different?" you tease. "san, i'm flattered."

"no ace," he laughs. "i wanted this to be special, but if you want a crowd i can call the team-"

"no," you cut him off, grabbing his hand that's laid out on the table. "i like this. it's nice."

"told you i was gonna spoil you, doll," san smiles. "get used to it."

"should i?" you challenge, but san just continues smiling as a waiter brings by your drinks. you feel your walls falling more and more as the night goes on, as you and san eat some of the best food you've ever had. he's fun to be around, you think. maybe you'll give him more of a chance than you were expecting.

"so. i have a question," san says after the plates from your meal are cleared. you're waiting for dessert, but you're not sure you can eat much more.

"shoot," you tell him. "i ask you plenty, so ask away."

"in the locker room, yesterday i think? you said jongho was your favorite," he finishes with a pout.

"that's not a question," you laugh. "you'd be a shitty reporter."

"compared to you, everyone is," san replies. "but i meant, why is he your favorite? were you serious or just joking?"

"if i had to pick a favorite," you start, "i think it would be jongho. i've always liked catchers, so that works in his favor. he's fun to watch, and a lot of fun to work with."

"you have a thing for catchers?" san teases. "why?"

"not a thing," you say, wishing you could kick him underneath the table. "but maybe? i don't know. catchers do have really nice thighs."

"and outfielders?" san tries.

"never stood out to me," you reply. "it's either catchers or third basemen." you start to explain how your favorite player of all time, the one who got you into baseball, played third base, and you don't worry about sounding too much like a fangirl. you admit to the jerseys, the baseball card collection, all of it, and when you finish you look up to find san watching you with an amused look on his face. "what? too much?"

"no," he shakes his head. "i'm just thinking how good you'd look in one of my jerseys."

"try playing third," you tease. "maybe i'll buy one."

dessert comes then, and your focus turns to the amazing food again. maybe it was just you, but you felt a sort of...tension when you were talking just now. you weren't planning on sleeping with san, really ever, but that look in his eyes when he thought about you in his jersey, maybe the date won't end here.

after another visit from the owner and his wife, and plenty of take out to last you a few days, you're walking back to san's car. there's a chill in the air, so you gravitate to him for warmth. his arm circles around your waist, pulling you to his side, and he squeezes your hip. you feel goosebumps erupt on your skin, and you wonder again where the night might be going.

ever the gentleman, san helps you back into your seat and places your food carefully in the back. you're looking at him now in a new light, imagining how his hands would feel on your hips without a layer of clothes separating your skin from his. you're so caught up in your thoughts that you don't notice san has taken his seat, or that he said something to you. you ask him to repeat it, and he has a happy look on his face as he says, "thanks for going out with me, doll."

"thanks for asking," you reply. "i had a great time."

"good," he nods with finality, starting the car without another word. he doesn't even look at you again until he gets close to your building, and all those thoughts of what would happen next have left your mind. whatever vibe you caught from him in the restaurant was gone, he obviously wasn't planning on coming up to your apartment after this. your suspicions were confirmed when he pulls up to your door, turning to you with that same sappy look. "i had a great time tonight, y/n. thank you."

"yeah, sure," you mewl, gathering your things. "um, the food-"

"take all of it," san insists, twisting back to grab the bags. "this isn't exactly on my in-season diet, so i'm not sure how much i could sneak before the dietician clocks me for it."

"right, thanks," you nod, laden down with bags as you struggle to open your door. "well, thanks."

"you said that already ace."

"right," you repeat. "um, so, see you at work i guess?"

"looking forward to it," he smiles softly. "text me when you get in?"

"right," you say again, stepping out of his car without looking back.

the season starts shortly after your date with san, so you're too busy with work to think about it.

except that's a lie, you can't stop thinking about it. how could san be so flirty, act so into you, and then end the night without so much as a kiss goodbye? you don't want it to, but it's bothering you.

you don't have a reason to see him, at work or otherwise, until the first day of the season. you're set up in the dock next to the home dugout so you can get updates or a quick interview for the broadcast. you see san for the first time in days then, sitting there with your notebook and a headset, as he takes the field for warmups. it might be your mind playing tricks on you, but you swear san looks for you as he waits for seonghwa. as soon as his eyes find yours he turns around, jogging to the outfield after. you shake it off and get to work, checking your notes to make sure you've got the info right for the game. san will be the leadoff hitter, and you feel a pit of excitement in your stomach at the thought of watching him play. just from watching him in practice you know he's good, but he's electric when there's a real win on the line. still, you don't let your thoughts linger on him too long. you've got a job to do.

the game runs like clockwork, and the team easily knocks down three outs to switch sides. you don't look up when they walk to the dugout, afraid of catching san's eyes again. you don't look up until you hear the announcer call san's name, watching his back as he walks to the plate. through your headset, you can hear the commentators upstairs in the press box listing off his accomplishments at past teams, painting him in this otherworldly light. he's a superstar for a reason, his stats show that, and the way they're talking about him upstairs shows that everyone is captivated by him.

the pitcher, not intimidated by the silver slugger he's facing, sets up his first pitch. it's a curveball, somewhere in the 80 mph range, and it looks like it's gonna be a ball. but san is confident, his stance strong, his shoulders poised just so, and you watch in amazement as he rears back and completely shreds it. the ball is gone before anyone knows what's happening, and your eyes stay locked on san as he rounds the bases. when he approaches first, he looks directly at you, pointing in your direction as he turns at the bag. your heart is racing, you notice, and you shake off your surprise so you can describe the hit in your already cramped notes.

the rest of the game is exciting, but nothing matches san's leadoff homer. you could tell that lit the team up, an enthusiasm in every at bat, every play. your team wins, by a lot, and you go through the motions of finding players and coaches to interview for the post-game show as fans file out and the grounds crew comes in. the one person you're hoping to snag is nowhere to be seen, though.

by the time you're done with your work on the field, the post-game conference is already over. you're not sure if san gave a quote there and that's why you missed him on the field, but you don't care. the team won't mind, so you make your way to the locker room to find the man who's been running laps through your head all day.

san knows as soon as you enter the locker room that you're looking for him. he's showered and dressed in his outside clothes, his jersey neatly folded on the bench beside him as you approach.

"hey ace," he greets you. "some game huh?"

"it was good," you nod. "nice hit."

"glad you liked it," he replies cockily. "did it for you."

"can i quote you on that?" you ask, and san chuckles.

"come on doll, why the cold shoulder? i did what you asked, i helped your team win. figured that would get me on your good side."

"i just need a quote about that hit," you stand your ground. "i'm risking my innocence the longer i stay here, so if you could just say something arrogant on the record, i'll be on my way."

san can tell something is up, so he returns your formality with some of his own. you're in and out in less than five minutes, heading to the press room to collect your thoughts before you shoot your editor a text about your incoming story. as you stand there typing, you hear someone come up behind you so you start walking toward the exit.

"y/n, wait," san calls, and you want to walk faster. you want to leave and not look back, but he adds a quiet, "please." and you take a deep breath before you turn.

"what's up?" you ask. "i've got a deadline."

"you left this," san says simply, offering you the folded jersey from his locker. "i...whatever. it was my jersey from this game. i want you to have it."

"what?" you're shocked, aware of how much it costs for a player to give away a game worn jersey. it may not be much to san in the long run, but still. it softens your heart and you take it wordlessly, searching for something to say in thanks.

"well," san sighs. "see you tomorrow."

"san, wait!" you call before he can get too far. he looks back at you hopefully, and you jog to catch up with him. "why..." as you trail off, you look up to him and find an unreadable look on his face. "sorry for being a dick earlier, i just-"

"no worries," he shakes his head. "i get it, the season changes things, so-"

"did you take me out the other night to pay me back for helping you at the bar?" you ask what you've been wondering for a few days now. "because, i don't know. i thought we...or i, um, i felt...something. and when you dropped me off, it was like you changed."

"changed how?"

"before that, i thought you were into me," you try to say nonchalantly. "but after..."

"you think i'm not into you now?" he asks sadly, and you nod. "check your facts, ace. i think it's the opposite."

"well i wasn't sure-"

"you want me to prove it?" san asks, taking a step closer to you. "or you got a story you need to get back to?"

"i have time," you whisper, looking in his eyes. they're darker, more serious, a little hooded. that tension you felt the other night is back, and it takes your breath away briefly.

"come with me," san's tugging your hand, dragging you along behind him as he leads you outside. a quick scan of the parking lot tells him you're alone, so he rushes you to his car. again, he helps you in, rushing to toss his things in the back. you're sitting there, his jersey gripped in one hand and your notebook in the other. when he opens his door, you mumble something about your stuff, but he cuts you off. "you can get it tomorrow, ace. i'm taking you home now."

"but my keys-"

"i'm taking you to my place," he cuts you off again, looking to you as he starts the car. "there a problem?

"no," you reply meekly, and san is satisfied. he drives like a madman to his place, not far from the stadium. he parks in the deck below, bringing you with him to an elevator close by. he punches the button to his floor before he pounces, cupping your face to crash his lips into yours.

"can't believe you thought i didn't want you," he grumbles, dragging his hands to your neck, down your arms, to grip your waist. "ridiculous." he kisses you again, pulling you by the waist out of the elevator into his hallway. he only detaches from you to find his keys, hands steady as he undoes the lock. he pulls you inside and doesn't give you a chance to look around, capturing your lips in a kiss again. you finally drop your stupid notebook, embarrassed that you've been holding onto it this whole time. you start to let go of his jersey too, but he stops you. "what are you doing, ace? told you i've been thinking about you wearing my jersey."

"what-"

"put it on, baby," he coaxes you, his hands guiding yours. "let's get you out of this librarian dress and into something a little sexier."

"san, slow down," you say breathlessly, following him into his apartment. he collapses on the couch, watching you with that same fire in his eyes from earlier. "what now?"

"change," he replies. "put the jersey on."

"not fair," you pout. "i'm gonna be naked and i don't even get to see you shirtless?"

san tears his shirt off in record time, sitting back with a challenging look on his face.

"your turn, doll."

with shaky hands, you undo the zipper to your dress, letting it fall as san lets out a hiss of air. you slide your arms into the jersey, amazed that it still smells like his cologne after a game in the sun. you kind of flop your arms out after that, like a 'what now?' and san pats his thigh.

"sit," he commands.

"what?"

"you ask a lot of questions."

"it's my job," you quip back, and san lets his head fall back in a laugh.

"you said you had a thing for thighs, baby. figured you'd be jumping at the chance to ride mine."

spurred on by adrenaline and the growing pit of excitement in your stomach, you do as he says, straddling his thigh as you drape your arms over his broad shoulders.

"what now?" you whisper into his ear, nipping just beneath it to drive him insane. his hands return to your waist, and whispering into your ear, he says, "ride me, doll."

you grind against his thigh, sucking in a breath at the friction. you take it at your own pace, going slow so you don't overwhelm your senses. san's warm skin under your hands, his scent surrounding you, it's intoxicating. you let your hips move on their own accord, picking up speed as the pressure in your core builds. you let out a breathy moan when he bounces his leg, and his grip on your waist tightens.

"how's it feel, baby?" he asks, watching you intently.

"good, san, feels good."

"then go faster," he smirks. "might feel even better." you do, gasping as a hand leaves your waist to trace over your bra. his hand dips beneath the fabric, pulling a breast free before moving to the next cup to do the same. both of his hands find your chest, tweaking your nipples as he watches you unravel above him. "how's it feel now?"

"i'm close," you whine, hips jerking as your core gets too sensitive. you try to stand, to move things along, but san grabs onto your ass and guides you against his thigh.

"if you're close then why are you running away?" he chuckles. "show me how good it feels, ace."

"fuck," you whisper, grinding against him harder. "i'm almost there, but i-i can't, san, need more. need your fingers."

"you do?" he pouts. "i don't think you've earned it."

"i have," you whine, squeezing his thigh between yours. "fuck. if you don't do it i will."

"show me," he challenges, and you stand before he can stop you. you take your panties off, tossing them somewhere before sitting back down on his thigh. you cry out at the new contact, your arousal ruining his pants. you look down and see just how much you're dripping onto his leg, moaning as san guides you faster. you pop two fingers into your mouth and then reach down to rub your clit, crying out as you come.

"fuck, san," you moan, hips sputtering over him as you chase your high. "jesus." you let your head fall to his shoulder, your hand stilling at your core as you catch your breath.

"so dirty, baby," he whispers, brushing your hair away from your neck to trail kisses across your skin. his jersey has fallen from your shoulder, so he takes his time leaving a mark on the exposed skin as you come down. "you look real good in my jersey, making yourself feel good like that."

"what now?" you ask again, nipping at his ear.

"you ready so soon?" he asks. "so eager."

"i'm afraid you're gonna come in your pants," you whisper in his ear. "don't wanna ruin the fun before it even starts."

you shriek then, feeling san lift you like it's nothing. he kicks his bedroom door open before dropping you on the bed, taking a minute to admire you splayed out on his sheets as he undoes his pants. you're still breathless, watching him undress, and you feel your breath catch when he pulls his cock free.

"what, don't think you can handle it?" san asks, tearing a condom packet open with his teeth. "gotta say, i'd be disappointed."

"try me."

san crawls over you next, trapping your hands in his as he drags them above your head. he holds them in place as he guides his cock to your core, slapping it against your clit teasingly. you moan, hips bucking to chase the feeling. he keeps teasing you though, coating his cock in your arousal.

"so wet for me, baby," he groans. "are you like this when i play?"

"no," you grit your teeth. "san, please-"

"please what, baby?" he asks, stopping completely. his tip is pressed to your entrance, but he's not moving, and you squirm beneath him. "use your words, pretty girl. you get this wet when you see me?"

"when i think about fucking you, yeah," you respond honestly.

"and how often is that? just ballpark."

"sometimes."

"every day?" he asks, pressing his tip past your walls. he won't give you more than that, so you whimper, and he smirks. "tell me."

"since we kissed," you admit, wishing you could hide your blushing cheeks.

"aw, baby's been desperate that long?" he tsks. "i'm sorry, doll. didn't know you wanted me that bad."

"just fuck me, san."

"ask me."

"huh?"

"ask me how often i think about fucking you," he replies with a shit eating grin.

"how often?"

he thrusts into you, pulling a moan from deep within your chest. he leans down and kisses you, biting your bottom lip with his teeth as he pulls away. then he whispers, thrusting with each word, "every single day."

he keeps thrusting into you, capturing your lips in another searing kiss. you moan into his mouth, whining his name, and you twist away long enough to ask, "let go of my hands. wanna touch you."

he lets you go, and your hands grip his shoulders, your nails digging into his skin. he groans, egging you on, and you drag your nails down his back as you say, "your shoulders."

"what?"

"your shoulders. they drive me insane," you admit. "catchers have nice thighs, sure, but, fuck, you're built like a god."

"a god?" he smiles, and you can tell you're gonna regret saying that. "what else drives you insane?"

"hm, everything about you?" you reply. "you're infuriating."

"and you're close already," he smirks. "i can feel you clenching around me, baby. this feels good too?"

"so good," you nod. "can i come?"

"wait," he hisses, pulling out as you whine. "patience, baby. wanna try something else."

you let san move you how he wants, sitting up further on his bed as he props your legs open. he slides his hands beneath your legs, almost folding you in half as he cups your head. he moves you so you can see your dripping pussy, shining in the low light of his room.

"help me out, ace," he says, and with shaky hands you guide him back to your entrance. he thrusts, both of you watching as he enters you, and you moan in sync as he thrusts all the way in. he stills for a moment, loving the way you clench around him, and he speeds up, fucking you so fast you can't catch your breath. "shit. look at you, taking me so well."

"can i come now?" you whine, but he shakes his head again. "san!"

"wait for me, baby," he insists, thrusting faster. you can barely take it, but then his hips jerk, and you know he's close. "now, come on my cock, fuck-"

"san, oh my god," you cry out, bucking forward until your forehead is pressed against his, watching as you come around him. you feel him come with you, and you stay trapped in his hold as he slows down. he kisses you softly before he lets go, his hands carding through your hair as he helps you lay down.

"be right back," he whispers, kissing your forehead before he disappears. he comes back with water and a wet washcloth, handing you the cool glass as he cleans you up. you hand it back to him when he's done so he can take a sip, and then he leaves again to toss the condom. he collapses back into bed when he returns, immediately pulling you into his chest as he nuzzles his head into your neck. "can't believe you'd think i didn't want you, doll."

"this might be the first time anyone's proved me wrong," you tease, yelping when you feel him bite your skin. "mean!" he moves to lay his chin on your chest, looking up at you with warmth in his eyes. you brush some of his sweaty hair from his forehead as he speaks.

"do you wanna stay the night?" he asks. "please say yes. but if you don't want to, give me a minute and i can drive you home. but i really want you to stay."

"i'll stay," you nod, cupping his cheek as you stare at him. "you're really handsome, you know?"

"am i?" he smiles. "tell me more."

"that's all you get," you say as you flick his nose, and he scoots up the bed to lay his head next to yours. you're both quiet for a minute, thoughts flooding your head. you don't realize you're frowning until san whines.

"what's that face for?" he pouts, propping himself up on his arm as he stares down at you. "you want to go home."

"no, i'm just thinking," you pout back.

"about?"

"what will the team say if they see our walk of shame?"

"about time," he replies, kissing you before he lays back down. "i talk about you all the time, so i'm sure they'll be thrilled to know i finally got some."

"you're sick," you giggle, pinching him. "but maybe you should go in first. just to be safe."

"whatever you want ace," he hums, looking at you again. "you gonna sleep in my jersey, or can i give you another shirt to wear?"

despite your exhaustion from your night with san, you still had a story to write. it wasn't yet midnight, so after san gave you a shirt to sleep in you stayed up, furiously typing on your phone to get the story done in time. you thought san had fallen asleep beside you, his quiet breathing providing a sort of metronome to keep you focused. but as you got to a certain point in your story, you realized you need your notebook. you can't remember where it might be, so you try to quietly slip out of bed and go looking.

"come back to bed," san grumbles, making you jump.

"i thought you were asleep," you whisper, looking at him from the doorway. the sheets have pooled around his waist, and his chest is flushed. you wish you could just lay down with him, rest your head on his warm chest, and fall into the deepest sleep. but you've never filed a story late, and you're not interested in doing so tonight.

"i'm not going to sleep till you do," he answers, rubbing his eyes. he pulls the sheets away and slides out of bed himself, shuffling toward the door after you.

"what are you doing?" you ask, taking a step back.

"if you leave me alone in here i might die," he says seriously. "you looking for your notebook? i put it on my coffee table," he explains, placing his hand at the small of your back while he guides you through his apartment. you barely have a second to grab it from the table before san is pulling you down onto the couch with him, locking you in his hold on his lap.

"um, san?" you ask. "i need my arms." he groans as he loosens his grip, and you try to scoot over to take up the ample space left on the couch.

"uh uh," he shakes his head, looking at you with sleepy eyes. "you're staying right here until you finish."

"but you'll distract me," you pout, which san tries to kiss away.

"distract you, or motivate you to hurry up so we can go to sleep?"

"fine," you sigh, getting comfortable in his lap as you prop your notebook open on his chest. "keep that there for me."

"yes ma'am," he mumbles, closing his eyes as you work. you flip through a few pages and find what you were looking for, trying to concentrate on transcribing the quote, but it's hard. you're not comfortable, so you keep shifting. san's hands tighten around you, but you ignore it. just a few more minutes and you'll be done, but damn, is your leg cramping? you try to move again, but end up yelping when you feel san pinch your thighs. "baby," he whines. "stop moving. i'm getting hard."

"jesus, really?" you ask, shifting again to see for yourself. "oh hello there."

"stop," san chuckles, looking at you with hooded eyes. "are you almost done?"

"i've got a few more sentences, then i need to proofread it," you reply. "so kinda."

"alright," he nods. "keep working, ace." so you do, reading back a few lines to catch your train of thought. you frown though, feeling san's hands trail up your thighs to play with the material of your panties.

"san, stop," you tell him. "you're being a distraction."

"ah, no i'm not," he says, cupping you in his hold as he sits forward. he fidgets with something for a minute before resting back against the cushions, and you gasp when you feel his cock against you. "i'm motivating you, remember?"

"san, what are you doing-"

"just keep working baby," he coos, pulling your panties to the side before sliding his cock through your folds. "want you to sit on it until you finish."

"funny," you twist his nipple, and he hisses.

"ah, no pun intended," he smiles, "but happy coincidence. come on, i'm bored, and if i don't do this i'll fall asleep."

"then sleep! i won't be able to focus with you...in me."

"try," san kisses you, sitting back with a smirk. "i believe in you baby. now keep working."

you look at the time and groan, because you don't have time to argue with him. you watch as he lifts your hips and sinks into you, letting out a shaky breath once your hips are slotted against his. he keeps his eyes on you, taking in every wince, every jolt, every bite of your lip to stop from whimpering. you feel so full, and san is so warm, and you can't focus but you're almost done-

"read the story to me," san says next, breaking through your thoughts once again.

"hold on," you say, completing the final sentence before you scroll back to the top. "on the record i think you're insane."

"that's a weird way to start an article about baseball," san smirks, so you roll your hips to get him to shut up. you start reading your story, and he listens like he's hooked on every word. at the first mention of his name, he lifts you up slightly before bringing your hips back down and you stutter on your words. "come on ace, keep reading."

"fuck you," you breathe out.

"you are," he smirks again, and you grit your teeth as you continue. you speed through the story, but san keeps slowly fucking you as you go. you find a typo and he stills while you fix it, but as you get to the end he picks up speed. when you finally read the last word, you place a hand on his chest and he stops again.

"let me send this to my editor, please, and then you can keep defiling me," you beg.

"i learn so many new words being around you," san jokes, but you're not listening. you manage to send the story at 11:59 exactly, and you toss your phone away before grabbing onto san's shoulders.

"you need a hobby or something," you get out between moans as he starts fucking you again. "fuck. feel so full, san."

"yeah?" he sighs. "you feel incredible. so tight, so warm for me."

"shit, you're not wearing a condom," you realize. "get out."

"hold on," he whines. "i'll pull out. just give me a minute. are you close?"

"very confident in your skills," you point out. "we haven't been fucking that long."

"but i can feel you dripping around me," he says, pinching your hips. "feel you squeezing me. i know you're loving this baby."

"i'm almost there," you fess up, rolling your hips against him to get some more friction. he brings a hand around to your core, his thumb tracing over your clit so teasingly it's driving you insane. you collapse in his hold, your head resting against his shoulder as you let out breathy moans. he slows down, just to tease you more, and you bite his shoulder.

"ow!"

"keep going," you groan against his skin. "gonna come, fuck-" and you feel your high crash into you, hips jerking against san's as you come. you're quick to hop off of him, which he protests, but you sit before him on your knees as you stroke his cock. he's got to be close, so you bring his tip to your lips to suck him into your mouth. he lets go almost immediately, gasping above you as he comes into your mouth. as soon as he's done, he pulls you off of him with a huff.

"show me, doll," he rasps, and you stick your tongue out to show him his release. you swallow most of it, some drips sneaking past your lips so you sit up and wipe them off on the edge of his boxers, still caught around his knees. "hey!"

"you can deal," you tell him, standing with his help. your legs are shaky, and the exhaustion is really hitting you now. "come on, let's go to bed before you keep us up all night."

for the next week or so, you and san fall into a habit of going home with each other after each game. the first two series of the season are at home, so it makes things easy for you. you don't have to talk about what you are to san or vice versa, it's just understood that any free time you have will be spent with each other.

you're getting nervous, though, because the first away series is this weekend. you're strictly a local reporter, so you don't travel with the team. you'll report solely based on what the broadcast team on site is saying, or by bugging the team with phone calls. a little piece of you is nervous that san will fall back into his superstar ways, because he did have a reputation before coming here for having...friends...in every city. you try to push that feeling away for now, but it keeps nagging you at the worst times.

like now, san has cornered you in the clubhouse, kissing you in between questions for your next story and all you can think about is the trip this weekend. you're trying to focus on the story, really. the team is on an unbeaten streak, and some of the guys have cited san as the reason for that. word around the team is that his energy and passion for the game has made them better. you're trying to get something heartfelt out of him, but he's distracted.

"baby, i'm doing some of my best work here," he mumbles against your lips. "can't the questions wait?"

"i'm on a deadline san, you know that," you say as you put your hand on his chest and push back. "two more questions, and then i'm all yours."

"fine," he sighs, taking a step back. his hands stay on your waist as you talk, his thumbs rubbing your skin beneath your shirt. you're able to get what you need, so you stop the recording on your phone and put it away.

"you know, if anyone ever hears those, i'd be fired," you tell him as you drape your arms over his shoulders.

"good thing i'm loaded," san smirks. "i can buy their silence and you can keep your job."

"you know i used to be a clean reporter?" you pinch his neck. "you're really blurring my ethical lines here."

"i won't tell if you don't," he whispers, kissing you again. you stay like that, lips locked together, until a buzzing in san's pocket interrupts you. "ah, i should get that."

"who's calling? you don't have friends," you tease him, your uneasy mind wondering if it's one of his usuals from out of state.

"it's the equipment team," he explains, "they've never packed my stuff for an away trip before so they want to confirm before they ship out."

san answers the call, but keeps a protective arm hooked around you so you can't leave. you distract yourself with a stray thread on his shirt as he talks, and when he hangs up he places his hand over yours.

"whatcha thinking about, ace?"

"when do you leave for the series this weekend?" you ask nonchalantly, avoiding his gaze.

"day after tomorrow," he replies. "i figured we'd get an off day here, but they want us to come in for an extra practice to stay sharp."

"gotta keep that win streak going on the road," you tell him. "like you promised."

"exactly," he smiles. "so when will you leave?"

"huh?"

"for the series," san asks in an equally confused tone. "you're coming with us, right?"

"i don't travel with the team," you shake your head. "so i'll be here, wasting away."

"aw, you're gonna miss me," san coos, pulling you into his side as he walks you down the hall. "guess i gotta fit in as much y/n time as i can before i go."

"seems like it," you give him a tightlipped smile before pulling away. "i gotta go back out to the field, i'm doing a report in a few minutes. so i'll text you when i'm done?"

"sure," he nods, kissing your forehead before you go.

you went back to your apartment at the end of the day, tired and mind racing. you're not even dating san, why are you so concerned about what he might get up to on this road trip? you try to busy yourself until san comes by with dinner, so you're in the middle of washing dishes when there's a knock at your door. you let san in, stepping to the side in your small entryway to let him through. it leaves him standing incredibly close to you as you close the door, but once the space is cleared he stays where he is.

"you can come in, weirdo," you laugh. "do you need me to move?"

"no hug? no kiss?" he complains, pouting his lips as if waiting for a smooch.

"my hands are wet," you say as you hold them up, "so no hug, but-" you stand on your toes and aim a kiss perfectly on top of lips, spinning around quickly after to go back to the kitchen. "put everything on the coffee table, i'll get plates."

you walk into your living room to find a feast laid out for you. how'd you miss san carrying in so much food? you place plates down for you both, sitting next to san so your thighs touch. he piles food on your plate as you tell him about the rest of your day, but when he keeps going you make him stop.

"do you think i never eat?" you laugh. "why the mountain of food?"

"i'll be out of town for a while," he shrugs. "gotta make sure you're taken care of before i go."

"right," you nod. "thank you, but this is plenty."

"want me to feed it to you?" he asks with a sappy look on his face, but you know he's serious.

"i'll kick you out if you even try."

"then what about you feeding me?"

"are you excited for the first road trip of the year?" you change the subject.

"i am," he says slowly. "not much to see there, though, so it'll be a boring trip. especially if you're not coming..."

"can't," you remind him. "the big man won't allow it."

"but let's say, i don't know, a player on the team had an extra ticket to the game...then what?"

"huh?" you look at him confused. "what are you saying?"

"if i told you i got you a ticket to the game, would you come?" he asks sincerely. he grabs your hand and squeezes, saying, "i need my good luck charm there."

"san, i don't know," you shake your head. "how would i get there? where would i stay?"

"you could travel with the other wives and girlfriends," he answers. "apparently it's a whole big trip, they do this every year for the first away series."

"but i'm not a wife or a girlfriend," you tell him. "i'm a reporter."

"then why don't you leave the notebook at home and just come to the game as my girlfriend?"

"your girlfriend?" you smile. "i think i can do that."

#san #choi san #ateez #choi san fic #choi san smut #choi san fluff #choi san imagine #choi san one shot #san fic #san x reader #ateez x reader #san smut #san imagine #san one shot #ateez smut #san fluff #ateez fluff #ateez fanfic #ateez one shot

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thattimdrakeguy · 5 months

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I HAVE BEEN READING ZDARSKY BATMAN, AND I HAVE DECLARED: I FREAKING LOVE IT!!

I'm reading the Batman Zdarsky run in reverse. That way if I see any bull I can back out at anytime: and to be honest--besides a few things. I really enjoy it

LIKE YO, THAT IS JUST STRAIGHT UP TIM DRAKE RIGHT THERE. It knows who he is as a character. his motives, it's great.

Screw the people complaining "oh why is tim still robin :((", THIS IS WHY HE IS STILL ROBIN. Because this is when he's at his BEST. When he gets to hit his character purpose, WHEN HE GETS TO BE HIM AT HIS MOST HIM. It's FANTASTIC.

Reading in reverse because I know I hated the first story, it was so contrived and ridiculous.

But this--this is some good shit.

Tim being an underdog fighter, having to use his wits to win the fight? MY DAWG, MY DUDE, MY GUYS, MY GALS, MY THEMS, MY THEYS, THIS IS SO TIMMY DRAKE. This is so damn Tim Drake, guys. Oh, my gosh, I am loving this so far.

Dick has his temper back? And trust me, he isn't normally like this. But he's hitting a limit AND IT'S SOMETHING NEW, NOT JUST A REFERENCE. HE'S ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING HE'D DO, 'CAUSE HE'S AT HIS LIMIT. That's wonderful, man. That is so wonderful.

Plus Tim is the heart of the Bat-Family again? This feels like someone actually went back to read these characters before writing it. I'm not saying everything is perfect of course, but these high marks are exceeding all my expectations. And I STOPPED reading comics because of how the beginning of this run destroyed any hope I had.

You guys have no idea how much I'm enjoying the few issues I've read. Besides the cussing (I remember after a bit they decided Tim was someone who used funny words instead of proper cusses), this feels like the Tim I know and love during the era I especially loved him.

Tim comparing himself to his predecessors? Tim not being a natural? A WRITER REMEMBERING THAT?? It's been so long since I've seen that! Most writers treat him like he was another prodigy when he wasn't. AND THIS GUY REMEMBERED THAT!

I shouldn't be so happy at just seeing Tim do Tim things, and serving his character purpose. BUT YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE A WRITER KNEW WHAT TIM WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.

Only complaints I have is that Jason feels like a typical Bat-Family member, and not the sketchy outsider that he is. Making him so close makes his character more bland in my opinion. And Steph is--also generic af unless she's wacky quirky...which is a characterization I hate for her, because she started off so damn interesting, but they made her a freaking trope instead, which is such a disservice to her, but she barely does anything so far, so whatever I guess. Doesn't mean much.

This is the first honest thing I've seen that I hated.

Not this

This isn't the Bat-Family

This is a sitcom world the fandom wants to be the Bat-Family and some comply with

They're not a sitcom. The conflicts, and uniqueness of the characters is what makes things feel alive and well.

This stuff is cheap fanservice for the fanon demographic that doesn't buy comics to begin with.

Fanon doesn't belong in canon.

I mean sure Tim could be drawn smaller, the gag of him looking 12 when he's nearly 18 doesn't work when he's bigger than Damian who is 15 (and contrary to some bullshit comics isn't meant to be small. that was a random thing added for writers who aren't clever to write better humor. it actually contradicts things that were already established).

Don't see the big deal though for most of this.

Can't wait to find it, though. Oh boy.

This whole obsession with Zur Batman, is way over done though. So--I wouldn't be shocked if that was the problem, because my golly does that plot point not seem to be stopping--and it was there from the start and part of the reason why I didn't read it 'til now.

Good Tim tho, at least. So heehee, yey for that--I think--I guess.

Oh, well.

It let me peak at a pseudo-version of an AU I made up years ago. So that's pretty freaking cool.

Always a plus.

And redoing Red Robin story beats but better? Normally I'd hate references to Red Robin, 'cause that changed the perception of so many characters for the worst, but ayy, a bit of redemption isn't bad.

Man, just seeing simple stuff like Tim and Bruce being good ol' classic Batman and Robin warms my heart. It's been so long since Batman and Robin has acted like a proper classic Batman and Robin. It's dynamic that's been sorely missed by many.

OH, MY GOSH, WHY DID THE FIRST STORY HAVE TO STINK SO BAD. THIS STUFF IS GREAT.

Like, DUDE, this is such a Tim thing for him to do!!

And he's showing emotion?? He's crying like how he does?? Because he's not a typical Bat-Family member who just angsts his way through?? THEY'RE MAKING HIM STAND-OUT AGAIN BY MAKING HIM, HIM??

WHY DID THE FIRST STORY HAVE TO SUCK SO BAD?? THIS IS GOOD SHIT.

Like this part is why I originally stopped reading, not because Bruce should think Tim is his soldier, and not his son, THE FREAKING OPPOSITE.

But because the original story has Bruce acting weird when unneeded, just to say this was so unneeded, and adding in all these stupid corny Bat-Family moments was so groan worthy.

This run started off with a story that was a total turn off for me.

To end up being a run that could've kept me enjoying DC, rather than running away from it from as far as I have.

Chip Zdarsky started off awful, but really, he ended up great.

And I've seen people complain about his run, and TRUST ME, there's stuff to complain about. But I have only ever seen the stuff worth complaining about, or stuff I WOULD complain about.

WHEN MOST OF THE RUN IS GOOD

At least when Tim is around.

Go figure.

Maybe I should've paid sole attention to how he wrote Tim and nothing else at the very least for that first story.

'Cause even in the first story, Tim was well-written--it's how cheap the rest of the story telling was in that first story that turned me off--and the weird knew about the movie plans that I am still fully judging harshly. (Love the new Superman film suit, though)

#Tim Drake #Robin #Bruce Wayne #Batman #Dick Grayson #Nightwing #Chip Zdarsky

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winchesterwild78 · 2 months

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The Director

Characters: Jensen Ackles x Reader (wife)

Warnings: None. This is a fluff piece.

A/N: Got inspired by a series of pictures @jackles010378 posted. Just a quick story about a day on set with Director Jensen. This is a work of fiction and does not depict real life. No disrespect to Jensen or his family. All work is my own, do not take it or copy it without permission. Wrote this fast and edited it fast, please overlook any errors.

Minors DNI 18+

Jensen loved being an actor, but he also loved directing. He had a great eye that lended to amazing shots and takes. He was thrilled when he was approached to direct some episodes of his latest project.

“Hey Y/N, how’s things going at home? How are the kids?” You heard your husband’s husky voice ask on the other end of the phone. “Hey babe, we’re good. They are outside playing and I’m fixing some lunch. Is everything okay? You sound off.”

Jensen let out a long sigh, “Yeah, they asked me to direct the next few episodes.” “Oh Jens, that’s great! Why don’t you sound more excited?” “I don’t know. I guess I’m just nervous. It’s a lot of responsibility and I don’t want to screw it up.” “Jensen, you’re amazing at what you do. You always give all of yourself to anything you do. It doesn’t matter if it’s work, family or friends. You put all of yourself into everything. That’s one of the things I love about you. Jens, honey, you can do this.”

“Thank you baby, I just needed to hear your voice. I love you.” “I love you too, Jensen, now, go do your thing baby.” You hung up and felt a pang of guilt. Jensen always put too much pressure on himself and you knew being by his side would help calm him.

You grabbed your phone and called Gen. “Hey Gen, I have a huge favor to ask. Can you watch the kids for me? Jensen has been asked to direct and I’m afraid he’s spiraling.” “Sure, Y/N. Bring them over. We can all hang out and they can have a sleepover.” “Thanks, Gen! You’re the best.”

You ran upstairs and packed yourself, and the kids. You took the kids to Gen and Jared’s and thanked her again. Then you headed for the shooting location. You were thankful this latest project was local enough so you could drive to set.

You called Clif so he could meet you at security and get you inside without issue. You arrived and made it through security without any problem. “So, Clif. How is our boy doing? Honestly.” “Well, he’s stressed and of course he’s trying to make sure everything is perfect. You know how he hates to let people down.” “I know, thanks for getting me through security.” Clif hugged you and led you to the set.

You saw Jensen behind the camera and he called cut as soon as you stepped in. He hadn’t seen you, and he was giving directions to the actors. You could see he was getting frustrated and he was trying to contain it. He called action and you watched as he moved around the set with the camera to get the perfect shot.

One of the actors tripped and fell, so Jensen called cut again. The actor immediately started apologizing and Jensen put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, it happens. Are you hurt? Do you need a break?” The actor shook his head and told Jensen no. The actor looked no more than 20 so you knew he was new. Jensen was always so kind and understanding with mishaps on the set. Afterall, he and Jared did plenty to drive their directors crazy.

Jensen saw what time it was and he cut for lunch. He was frustrated. As the room cleared out you saw him sit down, take off his hat and run his fingers up and through his hair. He let out a frustrated sigh. Seeing him like that always broke your heart.

You walked up behind him, his head still down and hands in his hair and you put your arms around him. “Hey there Mr. Director. You look like you could use a break.” You kissed his cheek. Jensen’s head went up and his big green eyes looked at you with excitement and love. “Hey baby, what are you doing here?” He stood and threw his arms around you and softly kissed your lips. “I had Gen watch the kids, and I came to see if I could help with my husband’s stress.”

He sat back down and pulled you between his legs. Cupping your face he kissed you again, this time it was more passionate. “Come on baby, let’s get you to your trailer so you can eat some lunch and relax. I’ll rub your shoulders.”

The two of you walked back to his trailer, hand in hand and he wore a mischievous smirk. Once in his trailer he plopped down on the sofa and pulled you with him. He peppered kisses all over you and had you giggling. “I love hearing your laugh, darlin’. It’s one of my favorite things to hear.” You smiled at him, “I love when you make me laugh. Now, let’s get you some lunch. What do you want and I’ll make it or go get it.”

“I’d rather just take you to the bedroom.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you. “Jensen Ross Ackles!” You laughed. He stood up and grabbed you around your waist, “Y/N Y/M/N Ackles. I can’t help it. I'm in love with my wife and can’t wait to please her.” You giggled, “Fine, but you promise you’ll eat after.” “Darlin’ I plan on eating during.” He winked at you and you blushed.

“Yes, I’ll grab something later.” You took his hand and led him back to the bedroom of his trailer. Clothes were shed and you helped Jensen relax and release all his built up stress. A few times actually.

By the time you two were finished he had about 15 minutes before he had to return to set. “Jens, you need to get dressed and back to set soon.” He pulled you closer to him and groaned, “Do I have to. I’d rather just lay here in your arms for the rest of the day.” “Me too, but you have a job to do. I’ll be here with you tonight. I have a bag packed and Gen is watching the kids.” His smile grew big, “That’s great. I will get you all to myself tonight.” You shook your head, “Now, go finish the shoot for the day.”

You both got dressed and Jensen grabbed a quick bite from craft services. He pulled a chair up for you to sit next to him while he finished shooting for the day. You loved watching him work, and sitting next to him helped calm him. The rest of the shoot went smoothly. By the time Jensen called cut for the day, everyone was exhausted.

Jensen took you by the hand and led you out of the set and towards his trailer. Once inside he pulled you close to him, “Thank you for coming to set today. I love you so much.” “You’re welcome baby. I love you too, Mr. Director.”

Tags are open, if you want to be added, let me know.

Tags: @nescaveckdaily @kr804573 @k-slla @jackles010378 @jawritter

@xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @roseblue373 @cheynovak @jassackles @chriszgirl92

@suckitands33 @arcannaa @n-o-p-e-never @ladysparkles78 @smoothdogsgirl

#hes gorgeous #so damn sexy #jensen ackles #jensen ackles x plus size reader #jackles #jensen ackles x reader

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my-rose-tinted-glasses · 6 months

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@lurkingshan Ok. So I haven't really been in QL land long enough to have watched a lot of under the radar ql stuff to be honest. The OJBL journey is the thing that really is helping me discover more stuff or when someone else recommends something.

Also before I start a couple of things. I don't really know if any of this is obscure or not to be fair. I guess these are things that I had to go look for because I'd never heard of them. But that's me. Second thing. Outside tumblr I don't really know what's ql or not. The only distinction I really make is asian queer media or western. So, sorry for my ignorance in this. This is just some of the ones I watched not too long ago I guess.

Speaking of my ojbl journey. You already talked about No Touching at All recently. But I'll take this opportunity to plug another one that I really like and I wish more people watched was

Ai no Kotodama

The wonderful @twig-tea is my guide through this endeavour and when she told me about this one she also said that it was left out of a lot of rec lists at the time for a couple of reasons.

I'm gonna try to not spoil anything but I really don't understand. I loved the editing in this and how they used everything around the couple to mirror them and work for the love story. Everything serves a purpose here and it's all very deliberate. Sure it's a bit older (lol) and maybe some people are turned off by superficial factors but I really liked it and I loved the progression of these two idiots obviously in love.

Silhouette of Your Voice

I adored this one. Think Last Twilight but Japanese and they didn't screw up anything. One of them is losing his hearing and the other is just a sunshine that will work for his lunch. They are precious. And I think this one might qualify as bl. A warning to anyone who might see this: If you have sensitive ears, do not watch this with headphones. Because at times the sound we hear is the sound Kohei hears and it's not pleasant.

Twilight's Kiss aka Suk Suk

I love when I get to watch love stories between older people. It's just a great reminder that there's life as long as you're living. And life doesn't end at 30, or 40, or 50 or whatever it is that you've been been told to believe. Also queer older people is even rarer so when I found this one I had to watch it. I loved it so much. There's so many great moments, I love the tenderness of the mains, and the conversations around the gay retirement home and the music, I loved the music so much.

Another caveat (because obviously I have issues and need to explain myself a lot). I love my rose-tinted glasses but at heart, I live for the sad stories.

In Between Seasons

I cried so good during this one. It's a story about waiting and about using time to accept, and forgive and heal. It's about family and coming together. And it's beautiful. But it's no bl and it's sad, so fair warning.

That's all I got for now. If I remember more I'll share. I might need to start posting more about films I watch if for no other reason that I would have gifs to use on my own posts. 💜

#thanks so much for this ask #i took me a while to answer #but I made it #Rose's Day of Asks #has become #Rose's Day of Answers

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transhawks · 2 years

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I remember that Hori referred to Hawks (and Ochako) being a 'light of hope' in 2021. It's also interesting that it was Hawks who commented on Ofa and how it connects people's hearts. Do you have any thoughts on this?

I think that arc was very dark for Hawks specifically and the anime's rendition of it is very dark. However these chapters... in 323-325 it is a bit different. It's where I think Hori was honest and where I do think Hawks and especially Ochako are at their brightest, narratively. So, uh, to go back to my writing for Graduation Day, I remember debating whether to analyze this scene because I thought it was relevant. I eventually decided that six thousand words is enough and to spare y'all, but let's get into it because I think it confirms my thesis that vulnerability is needed for connection in BNHA.

Ochako's first panels in 324 have her saying, admitting actually, that she cannot reassure people. She acknowledges they're all scared and worried.

This was the best thing she could have done.

The deification of heroes was something that led to the system they have now. Somewhere in the glitz and hero rankings people forgot these are regular people.

We see this repeatedly as an issue of identities - why Toshinori seems a shell of himself outside of All Might, most of Enji's issues boil down to him not knowing how to be Enji versus Endeavor and screwing his family up for it, and Hawks is...well, everything about Hawks is about being a Hero rather than a person, which is why Horikoshi had him kill someone literally named "humanity".

Ochako doesn't allow this to go on. She makes it clear they're all scared, they're all people who want safety, comfort, and want to be clean from mud and dirt, same as any other. It's why she's one of the Savior Kids; she's geared to try and humanize the other side. It's why she's paired with Toga. See below, as she thinks of Toga while giving a speech.

Essentially she reached the people in that crowd by reminding them who Deku is - a kid with way too much on his shoulders, a person just like them. Not a symbol, not a quirk, like AFO is treating him as. A boy. Or "regular high school kid" - yeah, I should have put this in Graduation Day, lol.

Symbols aren't meant to be fragile or have to come out from the rain. Deku does because he's a person.

So what about Hawks?

This isn't the last time Keigo is going make metaphors about One for All. Remember the line so many people read in bad faith about him comparing Endeavor "linking" people together too? He was talking about connection, pure and simple, realizing that much of his own motivations and Inasa's are connected through Endeavor, or their perceptions of him.

Truly, it's just him remarking that seeing society as holistic, as a whole rather than a part, is the key to solving their issue.

I think the emphasis on showing your soul, ugliness and cracks and all is one of the keys to reaching the villains. Something that doesn't position them as moral superiors, which is where Keigo failed drastically with Jin. He didn't give him a good choice at all. He also wasn't willing to be fully vulnerable with him. But I also think there's another dimension to this. More and more I think Horikoshi is actually criticizing individualism and the idea of "the great man". In his depicting of bystander system that has become an issue from society delegating acts of kindness and heroism to an actual career, I think he's critiquing the idea that one person can shoulder that burden.

It shouldn't be a person but a village, so to speak. It says a lot that the characters we know as villains are both seeking connection but also saying, in the depths of despair, that their individual will can change the world.

I still interpret this scene as Dabi deep in denial. Uh oh, he actually FELT something, time to double down and reiterate he doesn't give an actual fuck when truth is he DOES, he just doesn't want to. Otherwise he has to FEEL.

Anyway, the emphasis on the single person and single convinction is another one of those clues I think Horikoshi is leaving us about the "Great Man theory".

The great man theory is a 19th-century approach to the study of history according to which history can be largely explained by the impact of great men, or heroes: highly influential and unique individuals who, due to their natural attributes, such as superior intellect, heroic courage, extraordinary leadership abilities or divine inspiration, have a decisive historical effect.

I remember balking when I read this. Maybe it's because here in the West, there's little uhh agreement over Napoleon being heroic. Maybe it's because my history teachers were unsual but I've never really seen anyone seriously consider Napoleon heroic. There always seemed to be agreement he was a power-mad tyrant who took advantage of the Revolution to enact a military coup and then actual progress made by the Jacobins. So the fact chapter 3 of BNHA has Mic quoting him as a great hero was always weird. At the time of my first read through, I wrote it off as maybe Japan doesn't take this approach to Napoleon and the Revolution. One person's tyrant is another's hero, you know? But more and more I think Horikoshi has been debunking Great Man Theory with his manga. First off the premise of Great Man is usual that the Great Man is born, that his Greatness is congenital. That there's a natural aptitude for greatness, like superior intellect, etc. BNHA is absolutely refuting that, has from the first page. In fact the characters who get into the trap of believing they are born "anything" are shown to be trapped or not in a good way (see Redestro, or see Tomura and Keigo believing they are born to destroy/have dirty wings respectively). So much of who Deku has become is supposed to change this idea of biological predisposition to greatness.

Even Dabi, who has struggled against the circumstances of his birth, falls into the trap of believing some people are born with everything and are born to everything, essentially internalizing the worst of his father's own beliefs.

The story isn't kind to people who give us this rhetoric - that depending on others is wrong, or weakness. It's why Deku had his arc, after all.

Which brings us to my second point - the story isn't the triumph of individuals against evil. It's about people coming together. That's why Ochako and Keigo had their moments of realization in 323-325.

It's not about one person. It's about people.

Lastly, and this is conjecture, but there's a curiosity to the Great Man theory from a cultural standpoint. Now each culture has its Great Man to some extent. I've spoken about how All For One is likely trying to emulate Oda Nobunaga with his Demon Lord talk. But the emphasis on individual actions over collective ones, the commercialization of heroism, and the idea of competition breeding innovations/results are distinctively Western Capitalist ones. And in...a clumsy way, I think Horikoshi has been hinting at this being part of his own criticism.

Did you ever notice how the Japanese anime has them say "Hero/Hiro"? It's an imported word. Japanese has other words that mean hero, like yusha or eiyu, which have different meanings that all relate to the English hero as either a brave person (yusha) or a person of greatness/importance (eiyu). Why then use hiro, a foreign word as the title for this career?

Because the hero system is canonically imported. And so perhaps are the ideals it brought with it.

#asks #bnha meta #hawks #ochako #bnha

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the-black-bulls · 1 month

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For the headcanon game: How about Yuno?

seeing a headcanon you disagree with and it kinda pisses you off

alright let's talk about The Boys.

Asta:

- that he's dumb or dense or unwise or whatever, I've already made my point clear in this post

- that his feelings for sister lily are genuine, as in romantic, as in he's really in love with her, which... listen he's grown up with lily raising him and he immediately thought of her when he saw a mother with her children so I can only see his feelings as childish crush that was dragged for years because he's stubborn and nobody talked to him properly about it

- now for my favorite NO moment: "Asta Silva" - I don't really care if taking after his wife (noelle)'s surname makes sense, is appropriate, or just sounds nice, black clover is supposed to be a story about the magicless boy who fights against classism and proves himself as a peasant from forsaken realm, SO WHY, all of sudden, we're making him take after a royal's surname which will for sure make nobles and royals accept him for the wrong reasons which will eventually lead him to be known publicly as a royal and has his legend told in what sounds like "here's the story of the magicless peasant who befriends the devil, fights the evil, becomes the wizard king, marries the beautiful royal princess, and becomes a royal prince himself :)"

- LIKE. that's not... it's not what asta's story about, okay? I know in many people's cases they didn't think too hard about it, asta has no surname so he's going to take after noelle's surname, easy as that, but once you think about it more you just realize how much this will screw up with the story's main narrative, so I personally like to give him no surnames "Asta of Hage" since neither licita did and I find a poetic beauty in that (having him & noelle create a new surname such as "silvahage" is an option I like, though)

- imma add this one, but any future headcanon that has asta living with noelle in the silva grounds and not freaking hage is a big no in my book, sometimes being a couple of farmers who are also wizard king and clover princess is sexy and neat and fun, sometimes yuno pass by to babysit their ten or so kids because yuno, too, decides to live in hage because his home is where hage is

Yuno:

- that he's happy in the golden dawn

- that he thinks of the golden dawn as a family

- that he gets any meaningful support in the golden dawn

- . . .yeah, I just don't fuck with most headcanons that include yuno with the golden dawn, something I talked about in a previous post too so I'll link it here for those who are curious, it's a 2022 post tho not everything written represents my thoughts now

- outside of them, all these headcanon that mischaracterizes his relationship with asta by turning their rivalry into something more toxic deserves a place in hell

- also, that he shouldn't associate himself with spade kingdom, but while it's nice to see yuno's loyalty and dedication to his family first and clover kingdom second, I think exploring his roots and bonding with the people who spent decades praying for him would be a very mature thing from him to do, and whether he decides to rule spade kingdom at the end or not is a different topic (while we're at we do need to see yuno bond with the elves in elsiya as well c'mon let elf yuno bond with his people a bit!)

#not a quote #ask game #asta black clover #yuno black clover #noelle silva #I'm so sorry this gets so long #didn't mean to ramble like this but oh well

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astra-galaxie · 4 months

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hello idk if ur still doing them but for the ask thing,, can i rq ★☆■♡♥♦☯▼ൠ with celine georges 🙏 super random character ik she is my absolute lifeline and seeing new takes of her is rlly fricking cool

I’m always open to coming up with some headcanons! That being said, let’s see what I have for Celine…

★ - sad headcanon

Celine was rejected from several universities when she was trying to pursue her education in science and inventing. She kept being denied because people didn’t believe a woman should be working in such a field and that she would be better suited staying home and supporting her husband. But Celine didn't want a husband or to become a housewife, so she continued applying to every university possible until she was eventually accepted. However, the anger she felt from the discrimination never left her, especially not when she continued to face it throughout her schooling.

☆ - happy headcanon

After defeating the Chessmaton, Isaac assisted Celine in developing a new program cylinder for it. While he might not understand the science behind the machine, he does understand chess and how to win. He played many games against Celine to help her adapt the program to create an unbeatable version. The two also enjoyed playing a few rounds for fun when not working on the Chessmaton.

■ - Bedroom/house/living quarters headcanon

Celine keeps her spaces relatively clean and organized. Of course, there are occasions when messes can pile up, but she always makes time to clean them up. When it comes to displaying her inventions, she takes pride in everything looking its best by ensuring her machines shine and don’t have a screw out of place!

♡ - romantic headcanon

Celine’s biggest regret was letting her jealousy over losing to Greta overshadow her love for the other woman. Of course, Celine was upset that she had lost the World Exhibition, but she was happy that Greta had won. Unfortunately, Celine’s jealousy took over after the winner was announced, and she regretted everything she said to Greta, ultimately destroying their friendship. Celine spent a long time trying to come up with the right words to apologize to Greta, but nothing ever felt right, and sadly, she never got the chance to make amends for her past mistakes and show Greta what she really meant to her.

♥ - family headcanon

She has older brothers, some of whom also became inventors. They used to leave their textbooks around the house, and Celine would read them. She loved learning about mechanics and science. Eventually, her brothers started letting her help them with some of their smaller projects, and Celine knew she wanted to become an inventor one day and show the world that women could do things just as well as (if not better than) men.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

Celine loves masking puzzle boxes. Some are simple enough for children to solve, while others could take adults hours. She enjoys challenging herself to make the next box more complex than the last. She also makes other brain-teasing puzzles, some of which no one has been able to solve.

☯ - likes/dislikes headcanon

Likes:

Greta

Mechanics

Chess

Coffee

Dislikes:

Discrimination

Heels, corsets, big dresses… Really, anything that’s uncomfortable for her to wear

Cheating

Stealing

▼ - childhood headcanon

Growing up, Celine was the biggest tomboy. She was never drawn to “girly” things like dresses, dolls, or tea parties. She’d much rather be outside playing in the dirt, riding her bike, and playing sports with other kids in her neighbourhood. Her mother always tried to get her to dress up and look pretty, but the efforts wouldn't last long, and more than one dress was ruined beyond repair. Eventually, her mother gave up trying to make Celine look like a princess and let her wear what she wanted.

ൠ - random headcanon

Oh! I’ve got the perfect answer for this one! Finally, I have a reason to tell it!

Charlie and Maddie’s son is named after her. I always wondered where the name “George” could have come from, and one day, when I was revisiting old MotP cases, I remembered Celine’s last name was “Georges.” This led me to make the headcanon that Charlie picked the name George for his son to honour his lost friend and fellow inventor, Celine.

It's fitting that this character was requested since I will soon start writing Century Mile in my story. I have always liked Celine’s character, and she was one of my favourite inventors at the World Exhibition. Thank you for the request, and I hope you enjoyed the headcanons!

#criminal case #criminal case mysteries of the past #celine georges #headcanons #ask

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aita-blorbos · 5 months

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WIBTA if I tell my best friend/head-mate I saw something I wasn't supposed to?

[Canon, but AU and heavily headcanon-based; the plot is currently ignoring this implication and may or may not think to fix it later, but if they do it'll be a good while in the future]

So, I'm an AI, and for as long as I can remember (which isn't actually a whole lot), I've worked for this super high-class family who live alone in basically the middle of nowhere. This other AI, L, also works for the same people, and, long story short, we wound up sharing the same chassis, since everyone in the house got sick a long time ago and L offered to let me ride with him instead of letting my infected components slowly drive me nuts and kill me. It was a little rough at first (still awkward when we both wanna do something different at the same time), but it's worked out pretty well so far! L's now my absolute best friend in the entire world. If nobody's got me, I know he's got me! We help each other out, and we tell each other everything!

Or...I thought we did.

See, a few weeks ago, L started acting kooky. And then I started getting these blackouts because of some big thing running in the background of L's systems eating up all our shared memory. He said he didn't really know what was going on but that we should try to keep on keepin' on as usual, definitely not tell the family (not that I think they'd notice), and I was okay with that.

Except one night, L shut me down himself. I know it was him, because I woke up the second he got distracted, I just stayed quiet and pretended to be asleep. He called up a friend of ours in secret and dragged them down into a basement I didn't even know we had? Despite the fact that I used to pretty much run the whole house? And it turns out this isn't a basement, this is an entire, HUGE lab complex that opens up into some weird hell dimension, and monsters were pouring out! I had a real bad angle because of how we're set up but the sounds these things made, yikes, and here I thought my pals on the surface were wet and nasty!

But here's the real kicker. L went to open up some coffin, and what popped out but L himself, except as an ACTUAL LIVING HUMAN MEAT PERSON. He even called this guy the "original version" of him and everything!

Well, I was pretty shocked. L never told me exactly what he was, but I always assumed he was the same thing as me, an AI construct. Meat-L was pretty rude, basically telling construct-L to screw off and leave them alone to do...some mysterious important stuff, and then L went back upstairs, and I waited for him to explain to me what the deal was with all that but...he never did. And I realized that's why he tried to shut me down. He's keeping it a secret from both the family and me.

Honestly, I'm kind of mad. I know the rest of the family thinks I'm stupid (way too stupid to know they think I'm stupid), but I thought L was different. Does he not think I can handle this? Or that I'll blab on him? But more than that, I'm worried about him. Meat-L has him working downstairs some days now (he keeps trying to lock me out of the systems when he goes but it never works), so L's basically doing three jobs at the same time and has to be there for my job because, y'know, same body. And whatever's going on down here, it's clearly a big sore spot for him. I want to help, and if he doesn't talk to me about it, I know he won't talk to anybody!

But...maybe with so much on his plate I'd only make it a bigger if I brought it up? We're still best friends outside of this, so maybe I should just pretend I didn't see anything? Or try and flush my memory, I think I can do that. I wasn't even supposed to see it in the first place, and now I don't know what the right thing to do here is.

Basically, would I be a big ol' jerk if I tried to confront him about this? Was I from the start for being nosy and not just sleeping through it? Or is he actually being the jerk, as much as I really don't wanna call him that?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

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just-someone-who-likes-to-write · 2 years

Text

... Long Story Imgine...

(( This is based on my dear friend @tokoyamisstuff story "Scandal", which is a "Loki x Reader" Story. She stopped writing it because of horrible people who pressured to continue writing. I think the idea is really amazing and I had a different approach for it.))

((Alot of OOC, and screw Odin he can never be redeemed in my eyes))

Loki was madly in love with one of the ladies of the court, Lady (Y/n). She was the daughter of the not so known Nobel family who roamed around the castle now and then to serve the Royal family.

The first time he met her was by coincidence, as she had sneaked into the library, which is only for the Royal family, but Loki being the "Understanding" person he is, he agreed to keep her secret, in hopes of using this information to blackmail her to do his bedding. But the more time he spent with her, the more his feelings changed towards her, he saw as a friend, then a partner in crime, then finally he fell in love hard.

Loki no longer felt jealousy towards Thor because he had all the attention and friendship he could want from Lady (Y/n). He no longer desired the throne of Asgard because he had the whole world in his arms when he wrapped them around his beloved. Nothing and no one else nattered as he took care of his Lady-wife throughout her pregnancy, making many promises on how he would be a great father for their child, talking of the many things he would teach them, and assuring his wife that he would "Never" teach their child how to prank, which they both know is not true.

The second Prince had everything he ever wanted and would need, his world was perfect, but it all came crushing down the day of the birth.

He refused to leave the room as his wife gave birth, wanting to add her through it. He did not expect the scream of terror that the midwife let out as she held the babe, almost dropping it, and as he looked upon the newborn, he understood why. The baby boy has blue skin and red eyes, the appearance of a frost giant. Shock went through him as he left the room, ignoring the calls of his wife, who pleaded him to come back, his mother who waited outside took his place in, confused by her son who ignored her as he left them.

Loki went to their shared room, where he finally allowed his emotions to get out and trash everything, tears of anger poured from his eyes as realisation settle in, that Lady (Y/n), his best friend, his love, had betrayed him him with a frost giant, he doesn't know how or when, but the evidence he saw coming out of her womb was proof enough.

Meanwhile, (Y/n) was confused, scared, and sad. He doesn't understand why he child is a frost giant. She thought maybe her babe was cursed or maybe she ate something that she shouldn't have, but she couldn't ignore that the fact is still there, that this blue crying babe in her arms was her son. She called for Loki, wanting to see him to talk to him to assure him that she didn't commit the great sin of betraying her beloved husband. But the only one who came forward was Queen Frigga, who put magic around the babe so that (Y/n) can touch them without being harmed by his ice powers.

"I did not betray Loki, I swear it! Queen mother, please believe me! I love Loki too much to commit such a thing!"

"Don't worry, my child, I believe you."

When (Y/n) heard those words, she was a bit calm, confident that the Queen would find her husband and talk to him to come back to her so they can discuss what happened to their son. She didn't expect that the next time she would see Loki would be in a courst room, standing in front of Odin and other members of the Court, in a trial to judge her her for her "Betrayal" of not only her husband who was the second Prince of Asgard but also of the "Betrayal" of Asgard itself for if she was able to meet a frost giant to commit such sin, she must have been able to betray them in other ways.

"You are here by sentenced to be exiled from Asgard permanently."

"No! I did not betray anyone! Please, Loki, look at me! I never did that!" Loki looked away, his eyes filled with pain, she turned to Frigga. "Queen mother, please, you belive me-"

But Frigga only gave her a sorrowful look as she averted her eyes away in guilt. The only person who stood by her was Thor.

"Father, we have known Lady (Y/n) for centuries before she met my brother. She has always been a loyal and devoted subject of Asgard. I can not accept even the possibility of her betraying us. There must be another reason for the child to be-"

"SILENCE!" Odin booming voice, echoed throughout Asgard. "It is not up for discussion, for it is clear that she can not be trusted, not anymore."

"Then please punish me, not my son. He is but a babe and holds no blame."

"Don't worry, for you and your babe shall go to where you belong... in jotunheim."

"NO! PLEASE!!... LOKI!! LOKI PLEASE! YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER DO SICH A THING TO YOU!! PLEASE! HE IS OUT SON-"

Her words were cut off as Loki left the courtroom, refusing to meet her eyes as she was being dragged away by gaurds. The only person who wanted to act was Thor, who was held back by his mother. In the Bifrost bridge, Thor was able to wrap around her a heavy coat, hopping that it would keep her warm enough for they didn't even give her a chance to wear anything proper before her sentence.

In jotunheim, (Y/n) wondered for hours, walking around in hopes of finding anything or anyone that could help them. Hiding behind rocks when seeing beasts hunting. During that, almost half her fast as well ass her left arm was numb from frost bites she was sure parts of her skin broke from the heavy cold but she did not care as long as her son was safe. She was exhausted and just wanted to lay down and sleep, but she refused to succumb to it, but it wasn't until she saw a frost giant coming her away that his weapon held up at her demanding how and why she was there. The only thing she could do with her left eye now completely shut is to lift her son to him with her left arm shaking, barley being able to move it.

"P ..please.....mmm...m....my...my son...."

Then everything turned black.

When (Y/n) woke again, she felt warm, slolwy looking around she saw how she was covered in heavy furr, and in the middle of the room there was large controlled fire that kept the room warm. She was still in a daze that it took a while for her to realise that her body was bandaged, but when she came to her senses, the first thing she asked for was her son. Luckily, in the room with her, she was a female frost giant who looked a bit smaller and different than the first one she met. She assured her she was safe and even ordered to bring the child from nursery so she could hold him to calm her further. (Y/n) cried in relief as she saw her son sleeping peacefully.

She was so focused on her son that she didn't notice when Laufey came into the room to speak with her and know the origin of the babe in her arms.

"Now, tell me little one, how did you come here, and more importantly, where did you get him?" He said pointing to your son.

(Y/n) would be lying if she said she wasn't afraid, but looking around her and at herself, she assured herself that he doesn't want to harm her, so she speaks. She speaks of her punishment, the reason behind it, of her husband, who turned her back on her.

"The Queen Frigga did nothing."

"Yes, she kept assuring me that my child was Loki's, but during the trial, she said nothing."

"Well, of course, Frigga does have a good heart, but she would hide away if it meant aiding her coward husband."

"What ... what do you mean?"

"Oh, you poor thing, of course you don't know the truth, nor does your husband know of his true origin. For your see, Loki is my son."

Seeing the confused and shocked look, the king explained and revealed the truth. Centuries ago, during the great was between Asgard and Jotunheim, his beloved Queen, who was from a tribe of smaller frost giants, was giving birth to their son, but unfortunately, she died during child birth. Consumed and blinded by his grief, the king left the child in an abandoned temple. However, when he came back to his senses and returned for the babe, he found the temple had fallen, and he assumed that his son had died in it.

"I never forgave myself, and refused to take another after her, I was just waiting for the time when I would go and meet them in the afterlife. But now here you are in front of me, holding a jotunheim babe, claiming it's your husband's who is the second prince."

"Are you....are you saying that...that Odin..."

"Odin probably found Loki when he was a babe, and instead of returning him to me, he kept him claiming him as his son."

"B... But why?!...why would he do that?? Why would he hide his origin from him?... Why would... my child...he was ready to kill me and my child to hide this secret. What would he do when Loki finds the truth, was he planning to keep it a secret his entire life?!"

"You have the right to feel this outrage towards him, Odin always puts his own interest before others. Unfortunately, I also don't know his reasons."

"......what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"What will you do? Now that you know that....that your son is alive and that he lives on Asgard, not knowing the truth....That you have his wife...previous wife...with you here with his son, your grandson. What will you do?"

"....I heard stories of the woman who stole the heart of the god of mischief. I believe that he might come here searching for you."

"You mean for my corpse?" She replied bitterly. "He turned his back on me."

"He didn't know the truth."

"He didn't even give me a chance to speak to him. Even when Odin gave the sentence, he didn't even dare to show a hint of remorse or hesitation or even attempt for a lighter the sentence. He abandoned me... if he abandoned me like this without a question, that means he has always doubted me..."

"... if he did come for you, what would you want to happen?"

(Y/n) was shocked that Laufey was even giving her the free option on what to do, to the son he thought he lost no less. But she was still grateful that at least this king was giving her a chance, unlike Odin, who she followed blindly.

"I don't want to see him... Even if he found out the truth... he made his choices."

(Y/n)'s emotions were running high after giving birth, and immediately going through what she did would force her to make hasty action. But as she looked down at her son, whose skin changed colour after she touched him, she assumed it was Frigga's magic so she could touch her son without being affected, she understood that this was no longer about what's good for Loki but what is good for her son, and if it means to stay in Jotunheim to keep him safe from the horrors of Asgard so be it. She is no longer the wife of Loki Odinson but the mother of Liam Crown Prince of Jotunheim.

It was a month after the trial that Loki No longer could stand the hole that was left by his Lady-wife. He was too attached to her. He loved her so much. At first, he tried to force himself to forget her,reminding himself again and again of her infidelity, but then he didn't even care if she betrayed him or not, the sound of her cries for him hunted him every second of his existence, her tearful eyes hunted his dreams. He wanted her back. Even if it meant to be exiled with her, he did not care he just wanted his beloved (Y/n).

That's how he found himself standing in front of Laufey after being dragged by frost giants who found him roaming around their territory, looking for her.

"You have come a long way, Asgardian."

"Where is she?" Loki demanded not being intimidated by the Jotunheim king.

"Where is who?"

"My wife! She was here with an infant, where is she!"

"Ah, you mean the woman whom you left for death? No, I haven't. "

His words triggered Loki as he used his magic to teleport himself to be near Laufey enough to press his dagger against his neck.

"If you did as much as harm a hair on her head I will-"

His angry words were cut off as Laufey took hold of his wrist, and instead of his arm freezing to the bone, it was only his clothes that good shattered, but his arm was fine, that wasn't the only thing that shocked him as he saw his skin turn blue. When Loki pulled his arm away, the king let him go, and he watched as his blue skin slowly turned back. The Prince still looked shocked as his eyes looked from his arm back to Laufey.

"What kind of magic-"

"It is no magic of mine, but rather the magic of Asgard." Loki looked at him confused. "If you seek answers, I advise you to go to the all father for them."

Back on Asgard Loki goes immediately to the Vault to where the Casket is, not noticing that behind him was Odin, who knew of Loki's travel to Jotunheim and hurried after him after knowing of his return. Seeing him near the Casket terrified, he tried to stop him, but it was too late. Loki found the truth.

"Why? You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me??

"You were an innocent child-"

"Oh, don't act like you care for the fate of an innocent infant now. You took me for a purpose. What was it?"

When Odin doesn't answer, Loki lost it.

"TELL ME!!"

"I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day, bring about an alliance, bring about a permanent peace... through you. But those plans no longer matter."

"So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me."

"Why do you twist my words?"

"You could have told me what I was from the beginning. Why didn't you?"

"You are my son. My blood. I wanted only to protect you from the truth."

"Protect me? By hiding who i am from me, by allowing me to marry an amazing woman who you knew our children would be like me, and instead of telling me the truth then you decided to stay quite and tell lies of her being untrustworthy and disloyal to keep your image in front of your people. Why?because I am the monster parents tell their children about at night? You don't want Asgard to know you have a monster for a son?"

"Don't-"

"It all makes sense now. Why you favoured Thor all these years."

"Listen-"

"Because no matter how much you claim to "love" me, you could never have a Frost Giant for a son, or having his offspring running around and forced to claim them as grandchildren ,or even the chance of one of them sitting on the Throne of Asgard!"

During Odin's sleep, Loki was so consumed with rage and hatred that he planned to kill Thor so his "parents" could feel the same pain he felt. So he constructed a plan, he tricks Thor into taking the challenge of living as a Midgardian, leaving his hammer in Asgard to assure he won't cheat. And Thor does, and during his time there, after meeting jane and the others, Loki sends assassins and killer tools to end Thor.

In the end, Thor was safe. Seeing he is unable to kill, Thor Loki goes to try and Kill Odin himself, but he gets caught by his mother, who used her powers to stop him.

"Why would you do all this to your family, brother?"

"I am not your brother, and you are no family of mine, not after you tried to kill my own."

Thor was confused by everything, but Frigga understood, and she cried as she apologized profusely to Loki. But it was for no use as he escaped Asgard completely. After Odin was awake, he tried to swipe everything under the rug and claim that Loki simply went mad after the betrayal of his wife, but Frigga puts her foot down and tells the truth to everyone, of what happened, or Loki's origin, and how Lady (Y/n) was innocent.

After the news spread wide, Odin tried to save face by sending soldiers along with Thor to bring her back, only to be met with Laufey and his own soldiers trying to chase them away from Jotunheim. But Thor wouldn't budge, not after learning that she was with Laufey.

"Return who you took Laufey or else!"

"...."Who I took?"...if I remember correctly, it was you Asgardians who banished her and her newborn to my realm in the hopes for her and her child's end." He mocked the Prince, which only made him lift his hammer to fight until a voice called.

"Please do not taunt the prince your majesty, for he has short temper and might start a new war."

It was (Y/n) who came out from where she was hiding with handmaidens following shortly. But her face was covered with a hood, but it didn't make Thor any less happy to see and hear her again. He tried to come close, but the frost giants stopped him and (Y/n) allowed it.

"I'm not coming back to Asgard."

"...But ...but why?"

"Are you truly asking me why? After everything I went through?"

(Y/n) revealed her face and the sight hurt Thor. There were scars from the frostbites littering the left side of her face. Her left eye was stuck, being half lidded while the right eye could open and close normally.

"If it wasn't for King Laufey who added me in time, I would have died a long time ago along with my son. I know you mean well Thor, after all, you were the only one who came to my defence against your own father, but will not return to the king who punished me for a crime he knew I didn't commit, to a queen who turned a blind eye for the sake of her king.... and to a husband who turned his back on me on the first sign of doubt."

"Loki still loves you! He never forgot you!"

"He should because I hold no love for him anymore."

"...you...you don't mean that."

".....goodbye Thor." She turned and left, ignoring Thor's calls for her.

(( After the events of the Avengers and Loki being captured))

The only reason Loki took control of Thanos army is because he wanted to build a new world for (Y/n) and their son. A kingdom just for them, away from anyone that could harm them, a haven for his beloved family. It was all delusions caused by his time being tortured under the mad titan.

After his capture, Odin wanted nothing more than to just imprison Loki away but Frigga and Thor were there defending him.

"He tried to kill me."

"And you tried to kill (Y/n) along with thier son."

It was Thor who spoke this time. And reluctantly, Odin allowed loki to meet his mother and brother during his imprisonment. He didn't react to them at first at their attempt to speak with him. Even when his mother provided him with comfort he did not react, it wasn't until Thor mentioned (Y/n) that Loki finally not only looked at him but also spoke.

"You saw her?"

"Yes, I did"

"Where was she? Is she hurt? How is my son?" He threw one question after another.

He explained to him that she was in Jotunheim under King Laufey's protection, that she was well, aside from the scares, which he could see Loki physically flinch at the mention of them, feeling guilt that his love was hurt because of his rash actions.

"I need to see her."

"I'm afraid you can't brother."

"Then bring her to me, tell her that everyone knows now that doesn't need to hide away among the Jotunheims."

"You don't understand, brother. She is aware that everyone on Asgard knows the truth, including you... She just refused to return her, not after everything, including returning to you."

This broke Loki.

He refused to believe that she gave up on him, so he wrote a letter with many oages and gave it to Thor to give it to her personally. Only for his brother to return with the letter back not even opened. He tried again and again, not only letters but also sent Symbolic gifts that he hoped would ignite her love for him again and remind her of what they had.

The last gift he sent were Heliotrope flowers, the same flowers he gave her the day he asked for her hand. It was their thing to communicate through flower language, giving each other one flower that could explain their deepest feelings without having to speak it.

Loki prayed to the gods that she would accept it, but his hopes were shattered when Thor returned again, but this time, his head was down in shame, as he showed him the flowers but they weren't returned as they were like the previous gifts but were torn.

"She got really angry, and Laufey banished me out of Jotunheim. I can not return there even if I wanted to, I'm sorry, brother."

Meanwhile, (Y/n) was crying angry tears. The last gift felt like an insult. How dare he try to proclaim his "Eternal love" to her after hurting her so much. It hurt her receiving those gifts that only pained her as she remembered each memory they held in them, her memories when her and Loki were blindly in love, but the flowers were the last straw that broke her for they held the memory of what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.

Laufey was enraged when he saw her cry, he come to care for (Y/n) as the daughter he never had. He first cared for only only because she was the mother of his grandson, but with time, she became more than just that, even declared her a princess of Jotunheim. So the princes to try and use those gifts to guilt trip her into returning was unforgivable.

And by his words, Asgard was completely cut off from Jotunheim.

For years, Loki was depressed. Dark thoughts filled his mind as he came to the realisation that he had lost everything. Thor and Frugga tried to cheer him up. They even went as far as forcing Odin to set him free to return to his old life, back to his freedom, but it only worsened his condition as people in the court started looking at him even more wearily than before becoming of his origin, his day to day life felt empty, and even his room who he used to hide in for comfort felt cold for the one who always comforted him was (Y/n) and she was gone.

One day, Haiemdal cane into the courtroom, saying how Laufey sent a massage. The mention of the King caught the attention of the royal family, especially Loki, who stood face to face to him.

"He said that he hopes that we will accept to renew the treaty between Asgard and Jotunheim."

"For what reason?" It was Odin who asked, and as much as everyone wanted to scold him for doubting a peace offering, they also we curious of the reason.

"It appears that the crown prince Liam wishes to know his father."

Those words made Loki cry with joy. His son wanted to meet and come to him. Such news made everyone at high alert. Many preparations were done to welcome the prince. They prepared a room filled with everything a boy his age might enjoy. They prepared a feast just for him, and many more things that the prince might find enjoyable. A bug celebration just for him.

Loki, Thor, and Frigga were in the middle of the rainbow bridge waiting patiently. Loki wanted to wait inside the bifrost by Frigga, which forced him against it, for they didn't know what reaction they would get. Once the bifrost stopped working, they could see coming out of it were few frost giants who stood gaurd as they shielded who was coming behind them. Loki was nervous as he knew very well who they were shielding. He fixed himself and stood straight as the gaurds finally came to a stop and moved away to make way for another frost giant who was smaller than them, but this one was special as he carried none other than princess (Y/n), whose face was covered with a heavy hood. The frost giant knelt down so she would be able to come down.

"Welcome, (Y/n), I am happy to see you well again."

"...Queen Frigga." She replied simply with a nod, her voice nonchalant.

Hearing her voice again made Loki weak on the knees. He wanted nothing more than to run to her and hold her in his arms as he apologized against and again, begging her to return to him. But he stayed quite not trusting his voice.

"Sister! I'm really happy to see you again! Please come we made quite the feast for you both, come and let me tell you of my adventures in midgard."

"That won't be necessary as I will not be staying here."

"You won't?" Asked Frigga with sorrowful look.

"No, I won't." (Y/n) started. "As I said last time, I won't be stepping in Asgard ever again. The only reason I am here to see MY son off and to assure his safety."

Loki flinched at the emphasis.

"M..my love-"

"Don't you even dare."

That made Loki flinched again at her harsh tone.

"I am no longer an Asgardian... nor am I your wife..."

"No, you will always be much more than that."

At those words (Y/n), finally let down her hood, allowing Loki and Frigga to see the scars that Thor spoke them off and that made guilt erupt in Loki as he unknowingly moved forward wanting to examine the scars, to kiss them and comfort his beloved, only to be blocked by frost giants who used his weapon to stop him. But (Y/n) was still visible, and he could see the deep frown she had as she looked at him before turning away.

"Liam, you can come now sweetheart."

From the back, a small figure came forward, and Odin's family eyes widened in awe at what they saw. Standing there was a boy who looked 12 years of age, he looked at the spitting image of Loki aside from a few features of (Y/n).

Liam looked at them with equal awe, but his eyes focused on the prince in green. When he was young, he was always curious about who his father was. He never lacked a father figure as his grandfather filled that role perfectly, but there was always something that he longed for. So a few months ago, when he finally asked his mother of who his father was, (Y/n) didn't want to make the same mistake that Odin made and told him everything.

"I might not hold the same feelings I had in the past... but I know that he still cares for you deeply, so don't let our reasons for separation hold you back to what you want. If you wish to meet him, then I am all for it."

Liam was hesitant at first, but after a conversation with his grandfather, Liam decided that he wanted to meet Loki, so that he can decide whether he wants to continue to have him in his life or cut him off like his mother did.

Liam ran to his mother and hugged her, causing her to giggle as she hugged him back. Loki's heart melted at the scene, wanting to join the hug. Liam turned to Loki and walked up to him, forna second Loki thought that his son wanted to hug him too only to be met with a raised hand.

"Hello, my name is Liam (Y/n)son, crown prince of Jotunheim, and from what I am told your son."

He chuckled at his own joke, making Loki smile proudly at him as he held his hand for a shake. When their hands touched, their skin started to change to blue. Loki was silently horrified as he never accepted his Jotunheim self, unlike Liam, who only chuckled as he let go of his father's hand.

"Sorry, the spell always breaks when I touch other Jotunheims."

Loki's skin turned back to normal, but Liam's stayed the same, which confused not only Loki but also Frigga and Thor. So (Y/n) stepped in to explain as she wrapped her around around her son.

"Liam has control over his appearance. He can switch from Asgardian to Jotunheim."

"My Asgardian appearance is just an illusion. I will always be a Jotunheim."

Liam proclaimed proudly, having no issues with his Jotunheim appearance, unlike Loki, who gave a weary look, not knowing how he should feel.

"Liam, why don't you go and .ake sure you have everything." When her son left back to his luggage (Y/n) to Loki and gave his a warning. "The only reason I am allowing this is because Liam deserves to make his own decisions, and I'll support him through. But I'm warning you, Odinson, and to those who hear me that if ANY harm comes to my son from ANYONE or ANYTHING, I will personally make you regret your existence. Am I understood?"

"O..Of course my lov- I mean your highness." He corrected himself when he saw her frown deepen.

Before leaving, (Y/n) hugged her son goodbye before going back to the frost giant who carried and left, leaving 2 frost giant gaurds to protect the crown prince, proving further that she doesn't trust them.

"Why is the frost Giant carrying her everywhere?" Asked Thor.

"My mother can't walk long distances." Liam hesitantly explained. "Because she was in Jotunheim's cold, not properly protected her muscles and bones aren't that strong, the healer says the only reason she is still able to walk was because she kept moving."

Images of (Y/n) fighting the cold weather with their son in her arms hunted Loki, imagining all the worst ways that she might have suffered because of him, feeling dread creeping on him as his breaths quickened slowly and so did his heart rate. But hearing his son call him pulled him out before it can consume him again.

As he looked down at Liam, Loki swore that not only would he be a great father to him but also to try and win (Y/n)'s heart again so his son may get the loving family that he deserves. As they made their way to Asgard, he started thinking of all those ways that he could tempt Liam with to stay more with him and hoping it would also persuade (Y/n) to come back.

....

I couldn't sleep until I could write this. This is one of my long imagines. I hope you enjoyed it, and I'm sorry that the timeliness doesn't make sense.

#loki x reader #jotun loki x reader #loki x y/n #loki x f!reader #loki x female reader #I wrote this instead of sleeping

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willel · 2 years

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I mean there will be a reason why Joyce ultimately ends up with Lonnie. It could be a poor choice in itself, Lonnie was maybe a 'good person' outside and seemingly was a nice figure and Joyce believed that without realizing Lonnie's true face until it was too late and that they got married and then Jonathan was born... but I just wonder if their problems truly started to appear after the marriage, maybe possibly after Will was born?

Because if Lonnie was such a bad father, why didn't he leave the family right after Jonathan was born? Why did he only ever leave after Will's birth and after just deciding that there was no 'hope' for Will? We also have to realize that Lonnie actually tried to get Jonathan on his side in S1 when he said Jonathan should just leave the town.

Do not get me wrong I am not saying Lonnie wasn't a bad person. I am just saying it is rather *interesting* that he left only after Will was born but not after Jonathan was born. I mean, he clearly was staying in the family for years, but then he left after Will's birth. Maybe he believed Will had no hope to become 'normal' while he saw Jonathan as more of a valuable child.

Jonathan once said, "I don't think my parents ever loved each other" or something like that. I think that still rings true. Listen. My parents aren't AS BAD as Lonnie and Joyce (my dad was an absent father but he still isn't at Lonnie level scum and my mom is not is not the affectionate type like Joyce), but... let's just say, I understand why I was born. I was an oopsie. But my little brother???? I don't know how the hell HE was born. It's a goddamn mystery let me tell you.

Sometimes despite how incompatible two people are, they just.... end up together for a bit and create families. I'm always like "If the relationship was so bad leading up to me and everything after... WHY then, does my little brother exist? Ya'll are stupid." (yes, I call my parents stupid. They accept this.)

Until the news about the play came, I think most of us assumed Lonnie and Joyce stuck together because Lonnie baby trapped Joyce or something with Jonathan. That may still be true, but the timelines don't really add up.

Maybe it's the case that much like in season 1, Lonnie continuously pretended he's "changed" before inevitably screwing up and showing his true colors?

Maybe for years Joyce and Lonnie were on and off. I imagine since Joyce and Hopper weren't on speaking terms, maybe Lonnie did something to ruin their relationship at some point during all this.

Jonathan is born because again, Lonnie pretended to "turn a new leaf" and made his way back into Joyce's life. It immediately took a downturn I assumed. But once again, maybe he convinced Joyce he would be better and they had a second child to "fix it". But it only got worse?

I know you're like "No way Joyce is this gullible to fall for it over and over again". It's possible she did. Not because she's stupid, but I imagine her mental, emotional and financial health was not good for a long time. Here's some fun facts.

In the US, women weren't allowed to own their own bank accounts until the 1960's. That means most women relied on their fathers or husbands for finances.

It isn't until 1974 that women were allowed to have their own debit/credit cards without their husbands signing off on it. Literally.

You can see in a situation like that how throughout most of their relationship, Joyce would've been depending on Lonnie because of finances. And how with all this power over finances, Lonnie screwed his own family over with his debt and overspending.

Saying all that, I think we can say Joyce kept Lonnie around because:

She was dependent on him emotionally for a while even though he was the one making her mental health worse

She was dependent on him for finances even though he probably spent all their money and put them in debt

At one point, she probably didn't want to become a social pariah since being a single mother divorcing your husband was looked down upon

She somewhat wanted the kids to have a father even though he sucked ass (Lonnie left when Will 4-8 years old depending on the source you read)

I'd also like to say, I don't think Lonnie just left. I think over the years, Joyce has dumped Lonnie, kicked him out, and then took back on repeat.

I make this assumption based on season 1. He seems super bitter towards Joyce. When he finally comes back to town, he's once again playing up his "I'm better now" act to Joyce and Jonathan.

When Joyce discovers he's just there for the money, her reaction gives me the impression that he might've done something similar in the past. Weasel his way back into her life because of money.

She says, "I can't believe I feel for this!"

Then Lonnie goes into a spiel about how much she NEEDS him and she can't do anything right without him there.

Joyce has to threaten him to get him out of her house. Apparently he was at her door for hours, demanding to let him back in and take him back. She goes to the door with a hammer to threaten him some more.

All of this gives me the impression that it wasn't as simple as "Lonnie left". I think Joyce dumped his ass for the final time and he was forced to leave. Through his bitterness of getting dumped and removed from the home, he willingly became an absentee father and did nothing to support his family. No doubt over the years he's been waiting for a crisis to hit them which would give him an opportunity to enter their lives once more.

#stranger things #joyce maldonado #joyce byers #will byers #jonathan byers #lonnie byers

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reliabledragon · 7 months

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Hi! I’m genuinely curious, why is Seattle a bad place to live? I’ve thought about moving there at one point, until I realized I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Ah, well, I should probably clarify that I don't think it's, like, an inherently bad place or anything. It was just a really bad fit for me, so being stuck there for several years really sucked. Basically, it boiled down to a few things:

Making Friends: Seattle is so notoriously unfriendly that the "Seattle Freeze" even has its own Wikipedia page. People will be plenty nice to you, but most have no interest in actually becoming friends, and it takes ages to build a social network there.

Lack of Diversity: In this case meaning the cultural sense, not the racial one. (It is racially homogenous as well, but I'm not really qualified to open that can of worms.) Seattle basically does like, three things: extreme outdoor activities, substances, and computer stuff. ("Substances" here meaning things like weed, but also beer, coffee, etc.) So if you want to go skiing every day, climb mountains, smoke weed, drink artisanal beer, play video games, or found a startup, it's a good place for that. However, if you want to do anything else then you are going to be fighting against Seattle every inch of the way.

The Dating Scene: Again, Seattle does some things very well here — it's probably the best dating market in the country if you're poly! But again, the monoculture means that if you're Seattle's kind of person then you're going to have the time of your life, but if you aren't, then you will simply be screwed. And I wasn't, so I spent three years basically unable to find anyone to seriously date. (I will grant that part of this could have been a me problem, but I certainly had far less difficulty both in SF before and NYC after.)

Urban Design: Maybe this is a personal one, but Seattle is in this really awkward middle ground, where it absolutely sucks to have a car in the city, but it also absolutely sucks not to have one. It's my least favorite city in the US that I've ever driven in, but it's also a pretty rotten experience trying to get around town on the bus or (very limited) light rail system. I'd much rather live somewhere with functional public transit, but if that's not possible then I'd at least like my mandatory car usage not to feel like I'm turning the ignition key in a Saw trap.

Distance: Unless your friends and family are in the PNW, you're probably going to want to leave occasionally to see other people, and Seattle is really very far away from everything other than Portland and Vancouver. Perhaps this isn't the biggest issue on this list, but combined with the Seattle Freeze, it can make the city intensely lonely. And combined with the weather, it makes it even harder to get away when the sky starts feeling oppressive in the winter. And speaking of winter...

Climate: This is a big one, and one that I think you can't really understand until you live there. Or at least, I certainly didn't grasp the implications beforehand. Everyone knows Seattle as a "rainy city", but it's one thing to hear about it and another to live it. The thing about Seattle is that it's both accurate to say that it always rains, or to say that it never rains. It's not like most of the country, where you have rainstorms and then times when it isn't raining. No, not in Seattle. In Seattle is drizzles, constantly. From September until June, every time you step outside, it's just... Damp. And cloudy. Once the clouds come in the Fall, you will not see the sun for nine months. The sky is just a bright gray mass hovering oppressively overhead, not dim enough be properly melancholy, not bright enough to be cheerful. It just looms, vaguely too bright to look at, no matter which direction you look. For most of your life in Seattle, you live in hollow light and hollow rain.

Despite all that, I really do think Seattle is a great fit for a lot of people, but it's hard to know if you're one of those people before you move there, and the penalty if you're wrong can be a pretty terrible living experience. My response on that poll was playing along with the "city hate group" thing they were asking about a little bit, but I really did have a very bad time there. It might well be a great fit for you, I know it is for a lot of my friends who live there! I would just advise anyone thinking of moving there to make sure they understand what they're signing up for, because it's easy to get taken in by the aesthetic and not realize what sort of place it is, and what sort of person you need to be to enjoy it.

Thanks for the ask! I'm always happy to talk about cities. :)

#my posts

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atranswomansdiary · 2 months

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Day 203

December 20, 2020

Christmas, oh, Christmas! What am I going to do with you?

When I was a child, I loved Christmas. I was fortunate enough that, even as piss poor as my parents were, they almost always found a way to make it magical… By buying me expensive presents way outside their budget.

I grew up to detest Christmas. It started pretty early on, when I discovered the presents didn’t come from a magical being but from my stressed-out parents. That broke my heart, not so much because I missed Santa, but because I felt like shit for wanting stuff and making them suffer because of my desires.

I once again fell in love with Christmas when I was with V.M. She had a way of making things magical, didn’t she? Not only did she buy me beautiful presents (which she could actually afford), but she taught me with her examples how everything in a present, from the wrapping inwards, can be a display of love. She also cooked a killer stuffed turkey I still remember fondly. It was just all the love and dedication that went into that turkey. I’d say it was not really stuffed with apples and sauce, but with love.

Once our relationship was over, I came to hate Christmas again. It was so painful! Every ass-boring “celebration” with my family and every rushed, thoughtless gift I received made me think of her. Comparisons are odious.

I enjoyed Christmas once again when I was with L.M. We gave each other amazing presents and it became a source of endless joy to see who would give the other the best gift. It was good while it lasted.

This year, don’t ask me why, but I got into the Christmas’ spirit all on my own. Maybe it was all the people at work being so nice and thoughtful, or me just becoming obsessed with Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I had never read the original before… And I must say that I was missing what I consider a crucial piece of the Christmas puzzle. Because I think now it’s neither a Christian holiday—fuck them!—not a pagan-stolen, modernized, Coke-ified Saturnalia, but something else entirely. The Christmas I really like and love is the one that Dickens basically invented all by himself. It’s a dream of a humanity that finally sees each other for who they are: fellows worthy of love and respect, regardless of, well, everything.

So, you can imagine how excited I was this year to have an extra special, proper celebration with my family. I bought everybody amazing presents (I hoped) and almost thought about reading them A Christmas Carol after dinner. Luckily I didn’t because boy, oh, boy, did I manage to screw things up royally.

This was the first time I saw my family after the sort of, kinda coming out meeting back in Day 156. In the past six weeks everyone has decided to behave as if that moment didn’t happen and, truth be told, I wish they didn’t. I feel like I need something else from them right now. Interest? Curiosity? Genuine care? Like, I know they have their own lives and shit to worry about, but fuck! I’d give anything for them to ask, every once in a while, just how I’m doing when it comes to this. “Have you made any progress?” “What are your current thoughts on transitioning?” “What is bothering you about this?”

I don’t know. Anything but this silence, this pretending like nothing happened.

So, yeah, although I didn’t intend consciously to ruin Christmas—quite the opposite, I’d say—I have to admit that I was a little bit on edge by the end of a dinner that felt more like a nervous, walking-on-eggshells charade than a warm, cozy homecoming.

So, we were getting the presents ready around the tree, as one of my sibling was taking my niece for a walk around the block looking for Santa. I can’t remember the exact details well, but my mom said something to my other sibling and I told her something like “Relax” or similar… And my mom lost it.

She said that she didn’t want to ruin Christmas for us with her stressed presence, so she went and locked herself on my parents’ room. On Christmas night. Just when we were about to open the presents.

The charade became true at this point, but for a good cause (?). I think we didn’t want to ruin one of the first Christmas my niece will probably get to remember.

I felt like shit all night. This Christmas that I (naïvely) put so much hope into, turned into one of the worse ones I can remember. The only lucky thing was that I had already planned on coming back to the apartment, so I got the perfect excuse to leave after this shitshow.

Still, I don’t think I can come back to hate Christmas. As I said above, I think I finally got it. My Christmas is Dickensian. Christmas for me is now an ideal of kindness to strive for, a renewal of the hope in one another that gets depleted throughout the year by disappointments. This was a shitty Christmas for me, it’s true, but I still hope the next one (and whichever ones I get to experience in the future) will be better.

Until then, with love,

#dear diary #journal entry #queer #trans #trans woman #transfem #transgender #transgirl #lgbtqia

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horizon-verizon · 1 year

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People like to excuse Rhaenyra’s cruelty and stupidity during her brief reign as a queen because she lost her children during the war, and in my opinion, that is no excuse. She ordered daily executions, established “knights inquisitors” to hunt down innocent children, would not offer peace terms, imposed ridiculous taxes while throwing a lavish birthday party for her son. It has nothing to do with gender but everything to do with her despicable actions.

Daemon gets some “redemption” in the end because he cared about Nettles (whether or not she was his lover, bastard daughter, or both), or whatever, and Corlys, also a grasping and power hungry snake, had a change of heart after losing practically everything, but other than being badass, I thought these two men, Daemon especially, were awful. People called Daemon an anti-hero, and I am trying to recall when anti-heroes behead children, started wars for fun because they are bored, seduced their 14 years old nieces, screwed and raped virgin prostitutes, etc. Yeah, I enjoyed reading about the character and thought he died in a totally badass way, he was much more competent than Rhaenyra, but let’s not kid ourselves about him.

Probably a response to this post and all those it is connected to it.

I hope people see what I mean about how misogyny can creep into genuine criticisms of rhaenyra's flaws OR mask entirely as good faith criticisms of her moral character & fitness as a leader from this ask.

*EDIT (5/31/24): Rhaenyra suffers from really bad sexist writing on GRRM's, not just the maesters', part and it undermines his own point.* And no, she doesn't need to be necessarily "moral" like Dany to be a deserving ruler.

The point of her story was to highlight how no matter how good or evil or morally ambiguous a person you are, if you are female, you are subject to losing a power men are just granted. Or usurped. And this is inherently wrong. Rhaenyra chose to go to war rather than give up. This is valuable. Visenya was not thinking "for the realm" or for the benefit of smallfolk or outside of her family, yet she as so many fans bc she was not passive or restricted by "madness". She has less sexist writing.*

On Rhaenyra

These posts go into GRRM's writing of Rhaenyra as well as other notes about her leadership: POST #1, POST #2, POST #3, POST #4, POST #5, POST #6, POST #7, POST #8--esp Section B, C, & D. Read them!

You: "established “knights inquisitors” to hunt down innocent children."

This is the quote you refer to ("Rhaenyra Triumphant"):

This is the quote of Larys' plan of the Greens' escape before Rhaenyra entered KL ("Rhaenyra Overthrown"):

Assuming you mean Maelor, once more, Larys took this boy out of the Red Keep to take away Rhaenyra's advantage against the greens, as Maelor would be an official hostage. And seeing as Rhaenyra refuses to kill ALicent and specifically gets rid of just those who had a militant hand in her aspiration or/and was an adult once she gets to KL

("Rhaenyra Triumphant"):

Rhaenyra did not send out those inquisitors to harm or kill MAelor. She sent them to kill/harm his holder, anyone who took him and is taking him from the Keep. He and those for Jaehaera and Aegon II. she specifically says "traitors" to mean Aegon II, who she also already warned she would kill after he was the one to reject her terms BUT NOT HIS CHILDREN! ("The Black and the Greens"):

I would go as far as to say Maelor & Jaehaera were both safe with Rhaenyra, and I say that despite Blood & Cheese bc B&C was an answer to Lucerys' non-hostage, anti-diplomatic (images and all), and wrongful death. a death sparred by anti-bastardism and patriarchal privileges entitling Aemond to kill his own family. With intent and malicious desire. Don't let the show fool you. Aemond willingly choosing to murder his own nephew, especially during the process of diplomacy and getting allies is the catalyst to the violence of the Dance, the war, and the battles themselves. Tracing the motivations, how he wanted to take back what he thought of as an "indignity" of a bastard somehow hurting and showing him up (the eye incident) despite his "trueborness" is exactly what spurred him on.

Meanwhile, we have Aemond killing children at Harrenhal, a rumor of Alicent laughing at raped and murdered children at Tumbleton, Alicent & Aegon (not a rumor, very much confirmed to be true) wanting to mutilate their own hostage Aegon the Younger to protect themselves. No proof nor rumor of Rhaneyra trying to hurt her siblings or other children until she gets to King's Landing and faces the lack of moneys bc the greens stole it to disable her.

Not to mention the riots stoked against her by both the Shepherd and the hiding Larys Strong...interesting how this doesn't figure in the assessment, and how you think you would have done with all this at once.

You: "imposed ridiculous taxes" & "daily executions" & "while throwing a lavish birthday party for her son"

...there was literally no money...bc the greens stole it all to make her unable to actually fund projects, whether she wanted to or not. While the executions leave a very bad taste in most mouths, most of the executions were specifically carried out for the money:

Context:

The greens didn't care about the smallfolk by taking the money that could help them. Nor did Viserys care--whose main issue with Daemon performing his brutal "cleansing" of KL was how it made him look and not the commoner's fear or vulnerability--much about the smallfolk. They are all aristocrats who lived in the lap of luxury or use clothing, dinners, etc. it to denote their status and or triumphs fopr most of their lives.

Come up with a better way for her to make money fast in her particular situation and maybe I'll concede, until then, just block me. Or reveal yourself and let me block you.

And as for the party, instead of it being a malignant thing as you painted it, I'd say it was unwise (EDIT: "altruistic") but also not as morally corrupt as Aegon throwing a party for his own nephew's unjustified death ("A Son for a Son"):

While Aegon was celebrating his "triumph" over his nephew's death because his life meant little to him was he thinking about how Rhaenyra's hypothetical anger rained down on KL and hurt his subjects? If not for strategy (Alicent & Otto), why doesn't he consider the harm this could for his subjects and castigate Aemond for this?

Why is Rhaenyra made to be the worst person of this bunch when she herself decides to quickly name her oldest remaining son her heir and publicly so, even more so because he is suspected as a bastard so she could give him a stronger claim? Alicent did the same for Aegon when she left Viserys' body to rot, imprisoned people to silence/stop the flow of any information in or out of the Red Keep, and convened the council to convince-coerce them into making Aegon the king through the ceremonies of ascension. All the bells and whistles, to create his legitimacy in the eyes of the lords and smallfolk. Alicent 100% would not care if it was winter or spring and wait to crown Aegon publicly whenever Viserys gave up the ghost, because she knew that time was of the essence and she only cared about the smallfolk as far as making sure they felt Aegon was the ruler and maintain all their images. I despise the scrutiny against rhaenyra and not against Alicent, bc Rhaenyra happens to be the woman who actually flouts constrictions against her sexual autonomy and freer model of matrifocality!

Rhaenyra also celebrated her taking of KL's with the mind of a semi-typical noble who wishes to mark their reign or victory with a feast. Again, not wise nor altruistic, but it's weird how you don't apply the same need to consider care towards subjects and the effects of one's own actions on our other claimant. That you fully ignore how Aegon is still worse than Rhaenyra both practically & morally in this area. that Rhaneyra is the one who must be the morally perfect aristocrat-claimant over him?

Finally, while I'm sure that there were people who grumbled at the princess throwing a party during the city's pennilessness, it was not a big enough deal to enough to be expressly compounded onto her imposing taxes--as she is only called "Maegor with Teats" for the taxes of all things! More protests were against her taxes, then rumors of her whoring out Alicent/Helaena, then Helaena's death, then Maleor's, until the Shepherd came along and directed the built-up hatred and fear towards the Targaryen dragons. Again, rumors and fear-mongering were first incited by the hidden Larys Strong ("Rhaenyra Overthrown"):

You: "would not offer peace terms"

I already showed how she did back before the Dance even began when Aegon was the one to lose his cool and try to get her imprisoned and killed before hearing of any terms himself. Go back and read the given quotes. Rhaenyra, having to be consistent and firm as a leader, must stick to her own words even if she hadn't already hated her brother and wasn't trying to protect herself. Why the fuck would she offer peace terms after they were rejected and her life is on the line?!

Regarding her refusal of Alicent's terms about dividing the realm...huh?

This is the quote, btw (Rhaenyra Triumphant):

In context with Aegon already rejecting Rhaenyra's terms way back not once, but TWICE!, why do you think Rhaenyra should have let him & Aemond off? Does Alicent only get to love and try to protect herself and her sons? Alicent the one to plunge said sons into this war by being so misogynistically out for more herself and her ambitions? (Again if this was another story with only someone like Alicent, I'd root for her more, but Rhaenyra as a queen is good to set that precedent of public female leadership being seen as valid for other female claimants and is thus the better option. Plus, the internalized misogyny is really too much with Alicent, both book & show. She is the sort of woman who'd supply the gas to help a man burn another woman alive if it got her wanted she thought was either male validation [show] or personal power and family prestige [book]).

Anon, you're both using straight-up lies, misinterpretations, and exaggerations--just like Fire and Blood's Dance account sources and writer-- to present a woman that much worse than she actually was. Thank you for being an example of blind misogyny twisting facts.

On Daemon

You: "People called Daemon an anti-hero, and I am trying to recall when anti-heroes behead children, started wars for fun because they are bored, seduced their 14 years old nieces, screwed and raped virgin prostitutes, etc"

Posts about Daemon being a Character as Categorized as a Byronic Hero (which can often be a version of an anti-hero): #1, #2 (esp #2)

On Anti-Heroism: #1, #2, #3 (number 3 defines anti-heroism itself, but you can see how Daemon qualities as an "anti-villain"...which goes into GRRM making him a being of both light and dark, hated and loved)

When it comes to Daemon if we're looking at him as a character with a moral balance, he is a guy who grew up with patriarchal privilege (yes even with him being forced to marry like most young girls, he still can move about and wage wars and have an extramarital- premarital sex life without suffering shame or censure like noblewomen) and is mainly motivated by his love for his family. Pretty much it. That is his saving grace, not (just) the Nettles thing.

I have nothing to really say about Corlys apart from his: blaming Rhaenyra for Rhaneys death while Rhaenyra was recovering from a stillbirth; daring to cheat on Rhaenys for at least 2-3 years and having two other kids from this younger woman...after marrying an already way-too-young girl (16 to 37 at the time of marriage); his misogyny guiding the Rosby-Stokeworth decisions. Other than all that, I don't see what other sort of "snakiness" you refer to. Aegon needed killing.

You: "started wars for fun because they are bored"

The Stepstones was not just Daemon being bored. Corlys had been complaining about the Triarchy and its threat to his own ships and lands. And larger, the Triarchy and those who worked for them became a problem for Westerosi trade/merchants after high tolls (it's funny how we keep coming back to money, eh?) ("A Question of Succession").

No one was "bored". Daemon chose the right conflict to gather some military experience, military glory & honors (as is the feudal dream for men in general, look at Aemond!), and bide his time after he had been exiled again. Was it altruistic, no. Was it actually maliciously wasteful, also no. Very much like Rhaenyra's feast wasn't either of these things.

Speaking of Aemond, Aemond is a worse character concerning warfare and child killing bc the Strong genocide AND he refused to help his own brothers bc he wanted all the glory for himself...at a critical moment when they could have attacked KL together. He specifically called it a "craven" move to do this even though he was the one to suggest attacking KL to Cole! And again, compare it to the actual amoral selfishness of Aegon's feast to Luke's death.....Well, we got out parallels.

You need to stop lying to yourself.

3. You: "he was much more competent than Rhaenyra"

Did you somehow believe that most of the hype for him is how much "better" at politics he is, or just "better" (since you are so vague and I'm left assuming) than Rhaenyra?

Back to assumptions because of vague language, I assume that you mean that he was able to capture KL for her, and make the plans for ravens and diplomats sent out (forgetting that after she had stillborn Visenya out, she calmed down to "work"), and how he was able to take down Aemond. Anon, this is where the misogyny jumps out again, bc apparently to be a good ruler, you must learn how to fight and put yourself in the forefront of battle....but most noblewomen were actively barred or discouraged from military pursuits equal to men

AND

Rhaenyra knew her weakness concerning actually fighting, and I believe that this gets lost in all the "she's always been a bad candidate because she made dumb choices--she deserved to die and lose to Aegon, even!" bullshit. She called her council many times to get advice, so yes, it really is her own aristocratic blood purity and grief motivating her into making all the actual mistakes and sins she makes. I thought good leaders listened to their council?

AND

what is so wrong with a ruler not putting themselves in danger like Aegon II did? The same Aegon who got put out of commission for nearly a whole year and is likely unable to have kids due to said injuries from Rook's Rest?! Do not put the very person whom your side is fighting for at risk! Minimize it as much a possible!

AND

Fighting and personal physical prowess--despite the idea of leadership--don't have to be a ruler's main strength. Think of Daeron I (not so versed in swordplay but known as one of the better Targ rulers). How though Maegor was very much the warrior and a determined king, was also very cruel and incurred the hatred of not just the Faith but several others in justified fear of him and it lead to his end. Aenys was weak not because he wasn't a warrior but because he gave in too much and didn't use his dragons and dragon riders for the sake of what he thought was conciliation and respecting his subjects' desires! To garner love and admiration!

Last....

If we compare her to Alicent, Alicent is a heavy-duty blood purist who never looked out for other women, even seized power from another woman entirely for herself and her house's patriarchal prestige and power. No matter who Rhaenyra was before King's Landing or after, Rhaenyra was "vulnerable" to this due to her gender's inequitable access to higher positions of power in Westeros. Rhaenyra was never a tyrant before King's Landing and the greens' usurpation.

*EDIT* (8/21/23):

THIS is a great post by @mononijikayu about medieval queens, female rulers, the history of how women in leadership positions were made and seen as threats to the very structure of social "order", and contextualizing Rhaenyra thru Empress Matilda. I didn't even know about Matilda's husband being comparable to Rhaneyra's Daemon! PLZ READ!!!!

Excerpt:

just as much, along with these fictitious portrayals, more lies are depicted. these women are considered vixens that cause havoc to men by shifting them into desires and danger. through the written word, we see how women are cast in roles of villains in men’s lives. it is because by their conclusive thoughts, women are the only creatures that are able to turn ‘good honorable men’ into despicable creatures who do shameful, deplorable acts for the sake of women’s pleasures. it is within this narrative that ancient chroniclers declare that women were in fact the doom of men. if they were not able to control the dangers posed by the wiles of women, then the foundations of the mighty society they had built would be up in flames. [...] as i mentioned, these factors of community are written down and preserved. and with that, the example of the ancients were the foundations by which medieval society built itself. the same concepts continued to cause the same issue within society and that was the exclusion of women from participating in the bigger picture of community and state, much so with governing states in their own right—without judgment or disapproval.

#asoiaf asks to me #rhaenyra's characterization #rhaenyra targaryen #daemon's characterization #rhaenyra and daemon #fire and blood characters #fandom misogyny #rhaenyra and feminism

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