#although honestly I couldn't find it in myself to blame someone who did that

[spite-and-waffles]

I get so infuriated when people reduce Jason's ultimatum to "trying to force Bruce to kill someone to prove his love". The dishonesty of it. Remove all context from the situation and make it sound like an insane inhumane choice. I can do that too actually. Batman is a rich kid who whales on poor and mentally ill people instead of going to therapy. He colludes with cops to bypass due process and collect evidence illegally. He creates child soldiers and makes them into canon fodder for his obsession. It sounds pretty indefensible when you remove every single context and convention that makes a story work doesn't it? Almost like you're only willing to extend the in-universe rules to the rich white manbaby and not the child whose death he was responsible for, huh?

Also? Moral absolutism is harmful and egoistic. You shouldn't kill people, not even criminals, of course not. But that doesn't mean refusing to kill in any situation whatsoever is the moral choice. There's a difference between killing to protect and killing to avenge. Between killing an active threat who will definitely escape and slaughter a family and killing one who is safely contained. Any rule that's taken purely prescriptively and without regard to the individual context of the choice is simply dogma. Especially if the role you have voluntarily taken on requires the willingness to do whatever it takes to do your fucking job. That's why morality isn't fucking black and white.

That's the crux of it for me; why I take this defense of Batman's choices so personally. I don't trust people who see the world in such a black and white way (this includes Jason, who is exactly as myopic as Bruce, but happens to be right about the Joker imo. Fortunately he's a fictional character and also a kid who has not yet had the opportunity to grow, unlike Bruce). I don't trust people who think morality is about a set of correct judgements rather than the process by which you arrive at said judgements. I don't trust people who won't fucking choose. Inaction is complicity, bitch. The consequences of your choices exist and fall on other people regardless of your refusal to take responsibility for them. Bottomline – if your version of "mercy" results in the death and suffering of other people, maybe consider that you're the villain of the story.

[cavalcleave]

A New Look, A New Wyn

Warnings: Wyn is conflicted about their change in weight at first, might be too real idk. | Characters: Monsterwyn, Doc (guest character belonging to @/bunquest) | Word-count: 2,900 | AN: Got obsessed with weight gain as a sign of healing, blame lauren.

---

It had been a while since Monsterwyn had gotten a good look at themself in the mirror. Although today it wasn't hatred or disgust they felt looking at themself… but confusion. It seems like they had put on some weight since they last had a look.

"What…? When did I start gaining weight? I'm dead, yet I can still gain weight and grow hair." They think, pinching a bit of their newly acquired fat to gauge how much is there. "I must be getting too comfortable… but it won't be hard to fix. Though it's only a little bit of fat… maybe it's not a big deal. Ugh but if I leave it it'll get worse! If it took me this long to notice then I won't realize until I'm unfit for combat."

They get closer to their reflection, shaking their head. Doc starts to come to mind, as does Hale. "Doc isn't unhealthy though, and Hale still fights… so is Malcer wrong about this whole staying in shape thing? No… it still makes sense, I keep myself in good condition to be a weapon, and Annie wants me to be her weapon! So I've got to get back to training and stuff… which means I probably should stop hanging out with Doc so much for a bit. I could probably have breaks with her though, since I don't sleep most of the time I could practically have break days with her." They think, already making their way to the ZPA's indoor gym.

"If I'm quick it'll go back to normal and no one will notice and I won't have to be embarrassed that I let it get this far in the first place. What kind of weapon isn't kept in good shape? Not me, I'll be sure of it. Hopefully this stuff still works on me, otherwise what else could have caused this? It can't be Doc's food, normal food doesn't fill my hunger so why would it make me gain weight? Or maybe that's the catch? I don't know…" Monsterwyn mumbles to themself as they start exercising. "As long as Doc doesn't stumble into me doing this, it'll be fine. Because she's not unfit, I'm the one who's unfit, I need to fix it because it's wrong for me, not her. But she'll feel bad if she thinks it was her food or if she thinks I don't like her being fat. Probably have to deal with it on my own then, but that's fine, because Malcer already taught me how to deal with it. I'll be in peak condition in no time, and Doc won't notice a thing!"

---

It had been the middle of her shift, Maldwyn hasn't been back from the bathroom in almost 20 minutes. But she tried not to worry, they usually got easily distracted by other people. It was normal for them to bother someone else for a little bit then come back.

Doc sighed, "They're probably fine, unless they punched the mirror again I guess. Maybe I'll check up on them in another 20 minutes."

It wasn't that she was jealous or anything of other people hanging out with them. But she was so used to their presence that it was honestly a bit jarring when they weren't around. They usually came back relatively quickly enough so, she's never had reason to worry.

Eventually those 20 minutes passed and she checked the bathroom. They weren't there, and the mirrors were still intact. So they were likely off having fun elsewhere.

Then 40 minutes became an hour and that hour became two hours, then 3 hours. It was starting to get close to the end of her shift and she was getting worried, where was Monsterwyn? She decided to go on break to search for them, asking around and looking in their favorite spots. She got increasingly worried when she couldn't find them in any of those. But eventually she started looking in more unconventional places, she would've heard about a sparring match if it was planned so maybe they had an impromptu one? So she decided to check the gym.

---

They felt exhausted and their muscles felt like they were in agony. Maybe they should've eased into it more over the course of a few days. But that wasn't their priority, they were imperfect, it had to be fix no matter the cost. The pain would be temporary, and so what if they pulled a muscle or something? They could put it back.

Their thoughts get interrupted by Doc coming into the gym, so they try to look busy, and not stressed at her arrival. But their exhausted muscles aren't doing them any favors as she comes over.

"Wyn! There you are!" Doc exclaims. "I was getting worried, I thought you would be coming back to hang out. But you're here exercising, I never see you do that. Have you been here the whole time?"

Monsterwyn does their best to collect themself, if they slip up they might make her upset. "Yeah, yeah. It's just… something I wanted to do." They start panting, doing their best to continue.

"You seem pretty tired, are you stressed about something and that's why you're here doing this?" Doc asks.

"What? No, it's fine! I'm fine! Don't worry!" They practically blurt out desperately. Their blood would have run cold if it could be any other temperature than cold in the first place.

"She noticed, didn't she? Shit, I should have been more careful. Maybe this was a bad idea, but it's how I've always been. Why wouldn't I want to go back once it's different. She can't blame me for that… and maybe Malcer will actually respond when I try to do our usual chat one day…" Monsterwyn thinks, panicking.

"Just try not to overexert yourself, I don't need a reason to give you a checkup early." Doc replies, giving them a smile. "Anyway, I'm going to clock out soon. So you're free to hang out at my place."

This eases them, but not by much. "Does she know? She might… but even if she doesn't, she's not stupid, she'll figure it out. Maybe I'm going too fast right now anyway…"

"Yeah, of course I'll hang out with you, Sweet Tooth!" Monsterwyn says, bounding after her as she walks to the parking lot.

When she unlocks the doors and they sit inside, they unconsciously let out a sigh of relief.

"Tired huh?" Doc says teasingly. "That's what that much exercise will do to you!"

Monsterwyn laughs along as she starts to drive.

---

Doc's worry about Monsterwyn had mostly melted away, though now that she's gotten a closer look since they're right next to her… haven't they gained weight? Maybe they had always been like that and she never paid it much mind. Though the thought made her concerned.

"They trust me a lot, so maybe they'll talk to me about it. Hopefully it's not too serious." Doc thinks.

---

Later during the night, it's all they can think about. Lying in Doc's bed, Monsterwyn is conflicted.

"God this was an awful idea, why did I do that? I'm so stupid she totally knows. Maybe I should just… let it happen and maybe no one will notice and it won't affect anything… cause she didn't say anything about it… and it's obvious. But maybe it won't be bad, and I can probably fix it if I don't like it, right…?" Monsterwyn thinks. "Yeah, that sounds better. I probably shouldn't worry about getting rid of it all at once, Doc will probably notice if I pull that again."

"Wyn! Dinners ready!" Doc calls from the kitchen. For a moment they hesitate but opt to go eat.

"It's not Doc's food, it can't be, it doesn't fill me at all. But I could maybe figure out if it does affect my weight if I keep at it… but I should lay low for a bit… Doc is probably suspicious of me." Monsterwyn thinks.

Doc is serving the food and putting them on the table. She smiles warmly when they arrive. "Since you're less of a messy eater now we could probably watch tv while we eat if you want. I don't mind either way." She suggests.

"Tv is nice… but it's still a little overwhelming… I'd like to stay in here… maybe if it was just the popcorn stuff… it's like crunching bones!" Monsterwyn replies.

"I'll keep that in mind." Doc says, starting to sit down to eat.

Monsterwyn does the same, eating with the same ravenous attitude they usually have.

"Is the problem my normal eating habits? But they're still pretty much the same… I only sometimes eat a meal early. So maybe it's the extra blood I get for bedtime? But that isn't all that much is it?" Monsterwyn thinks, starting to get frustrated when…

Doc cuts through their thoughts like butter. "You seem really tense… is something wrong?" She asks.

"Huh? No, no it's fine! I said it before too, Don't worry!" Monsterwyn says. "It's no big deal, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You can trust me with anything, Wyn. I won't get weirded out… I promise." Doc insists.

"... But if I can deal with something on my own, why should I bother you about it?" Monsterwyn asks.

"Don't be silly, Wyn you'd never bother me!" Doc says reassuringly.

Monsterwyn shifts nervously, "But what if it's stupid…"

"Your problems are never stupid sweetheart." Doc replies.

"Still though, it's nothing to worry about. I can handle it on my own, and you can relax and keep doing your job." Monsterwyn says.

"Whaaaat? C'mon wyn." Doc insists. "You can trust me. C'monnnnn."

"It's not that interesting…" Monsterwyn replies, getting confused.

"So? Mundane stuff is a part of life. It's ideal for me. So c'mon, you can be casual with me!" Doc says.

"The mundane stuff I'm supposed to do is help you with the dishes after we eat. Not talk about problems I'll solve on my own." Monsterwyn says.

Doc finishes up her food, then takes her plate to the sink. "Y'know I don't usually finish before you. I wonder what's the matter, you're always ravenous… C'mon Wyn, we're so close… I tell you all about the problems I have."

"You usually have less serious problems than this….." Monsterwyn replies, "It's like… other than the brief break up… you usually don't have problems…. I never see you mad…"

"C'mon wyn, you say it's not a big deal and now it's serious?" Doc says, approaching them, she very carefully nuzzled them, as to not make them mess up eating. She wasn't quite used to doing it to them, but they liked to do it affectionately so she had taken to doing it back to them. "C'mon… Nothing is too little of a problem. Bitching about problems is very important to the general social sphere."

"... Doc… If I tell you this, I feel like you'll feel… insulted…" Monsterwyn says, looking away guiltily.

"What? Wyn, trust me, there's very little things you could have a problem with that would hurt me. I'd understand…" Doc replies.

"Well… I um…" Monsterwyn nervously said, hesitating. 

"Should I tell her? She keeps saying she won't feel insulted but… I'm still basically going to say to her face that I think being fat is unhealthy! So what do I do? Should I go with it? Maybe if I insulted her I'd stop relaxing and being soft and do what I'm usually supposed to do, be a weapon." Their thoughts race through their mind.

Yet Doc still patiently awaits their response.

Monsterwyn sighs, their face flushing red with embarrassment. "Doc I'm… gaining weight and… I think that's bad. Not that I like… think it's bad for you to be fat I just… I'm supposed to be a weapon, I'm supposed to stay in shape so I can efficiently destroy anything I need to. Yet I'm failing! I'm losing my fine edge and I don't know how to feel… it's obviously bad on my part but then why am I so conflicted…. I don't know… Is it bad that I'm thinking this way? That I want to get rid of it?"

"Wyn… it's okay… sometimes your body will change and you won't like it. It doesn't make you bad for it. I'll support you as long as you're happy and going about it in a healthy way. I just want you to remember, being fat isn't bad, it's not a moral failing on your part that you're gaining weight. I mean you don't need to be efficient as long as the job gets done, right?" Doc says reassuringly. "I mean, maybe give it a little time? Maybe it'll be nice to not worry about it and you can get used to it. It's not like Annie is making you stay 'in shape' y'know?"

"... I guess so…" Monsterwyn replies. "Do you ever worry about this stuff…? That you'd like… would get to people faster?"

Doc softly chuckles. "Oh heavens no, it's not like Annie is deploying me on DCT missions where that would matter. Plus, I'm not sure if my healing is fast enough for those to make a difference, nevermind that I don't have combat experience. Do you know when the last time I weighed myself was? Well you can tell me, because I don't remember! I'm pretty happy as is."

Monsterwyn is silent for a good long moment, contemplating this. "That makes sense… because they can always come to you as well… Sorry for not telling you… I thought maybe it'd feel insulting because y'know… you're fat and I'd basically say I didn't want to be like you to your face." They say apologetically, letting out a whine.

"Oh, sweetheart… it's okay… you can come talk to me about any problem you're having, I promise." Doc replies, getting closer to give them a kiss on the head.

"Thanks Doc…" Monsterwyn says, purring. They then pull her into a hug, holding her tightly. "I trust you… I'll give it some time and try to take it easy… I don't know if I can but… I have you, and you're my best friend. You're always kind to me."

Doc smiled, it was rare for Monsterwyn to initiate hugs first, so they must really mean it. "I'll help in any way I can, just remember, you're not a failure for gaining a little, okay?" She says.

"Okay, okay… I'll try…" Monsterwyn replied.

---

Over the course of the next few weeks, Monsterwyn continued to gain weight. This seemed to have an added side effect of making them sleepy outside of drinking blood. So they often napped at their mini desk besides Doc's, when this happens she always makes sure to grab their heated blanket and tuck them in.

They also seemed to have a little less hangups about bellyrubs after being reassured that she wouldn't make fun of them for liking it.

"Are you sure it's not weird…?" Monsterwyn asked.

"Of course not, you have a ton of animalistic behaviors, this falls into that. It's not weird, even though you're fat now." Doc said in return. "Just because you like it more now doesn't make it weird."

It still embarrassed Monsterwyn a bit when their new weight was pointed out. But everyone was slowly getting used to it as normal. To the point where they didn't think about it nearly as much as when they started gaining weight.

It wasn't really an issue for missions either, they still got kills in, and earned their meal. Their boosting around was still at the same speed, and they didn't need it to get any kills.

They seemed happy, and that was enough for Doc. Who only thought it was strange when seeing them both in the mirror next to each other. Monsterwyn was kind of starting to look a lot like her, but maybe she was imagining it. They also looked at themself in the mirror and for the first time, didn't seem to react violently towards their reflection. They looked at themself with a more curious gaze, as if surprised by their progress.

"How do you feel about it now?" Doc would later ask them as they laid in bed together.

Monsterwyn let out a hum as they thought about it. "Well, I don't feel bad about it… I think. I'm still not sure, but I can stay like this I guess. It's fine, I think I kinda like it." They replied.

"That's nice. I'm glad you're happy with it. Being patient is helpful with these kinds of things, since you might just need to get used to it." Doc says.

"I just didn't realize I'd change so much. Even my claws are different… even if it's just a bit. I'm just lucky my clothes aren't completely real I guess… they would've ripped more if they weren't. It's nice, even if I'm still getting sleepy for some reason? I'm still not sure why that's happening…." Monsterwyn says. "Maybe Annie will finally figure it out soon!"

"Maybe she will, until then I'll keep you nice and cozy whenever you fall asleep." Doc says.

After that, Monsterwyn drinks their blood thermos, decorated in some stickers they liked. And the two of them drift off to sleep together. Monsterwyn cozily curled up on Doc, and likewise Doc hugging them in her sleep like a teddy bear.

[thistexanlife]

Dear old friend,

You've been visiting me a lot lately while I sleep. In my dreams, you're almost always aloof—you're nursing a wound from something I don't remember doing to you, or you're impatient to walk away when I try talking to you, or once, you acted like you didn't know me at all. When I awoke, I realized I couldn't blame you, at least not really... it's been so long since we last really knew each other that I'm honestly not sure there's much left of the versions of each other we used to know. I don't even know what you look like anymore... in those dreams, my brain just drops your teenage self into my adult life and I never think to question it.

I wonder, though: if you don't remember me, do you at least remember the winter when we would spend long nights talking in your car with the seats leaned way back? I'd lock the doors at work, you'd pick me up in your station wagon, and we'd drive down back roads until the neighborhoods disappeared, drive until the trees hemmed us in, drive until we reached the clearing where we had the whole sky to ourselves. We'd bundle up under blankets and try to sift through all the sadness we felt, try to dig through the rubble of how it feels when someone you love dies, try to determine if that melancholy was something that would one day change or if that was just how we felt, always had, and always would. (Have you found Phoebe Bridgers as an adult? The first time I heard the song "Funeral," my breath hitched, and it always always always makes me think of that winter.)

Or if you don't remember that, do you remember the winter when we wrote each other long letters? You were dark blue, and I was light blue (okay, medium blue), and once or twice a week I'd wake up to your missives from one frozen town to another. Would you believe I saved them all, me, the Marie Kondo stan who saves nothing? I wish I could share them all with you now. In one, you said this thing I really love: "I wonder if something me or someone I know makes will ever get old enough to stop belonging to us and start belonging to everyone and anyone." Do these letters belong to me now, if I kept them and you've forgotten them? Do they belong to everyone?

There are no winters in my life anymore, not here in Texas, at least not the real kind, no hibernal season-of-the-sticks when the sun sets at 4:00 PM and you fumble anxiously in the dark for some source of warmth, a blanket or a bottle of bourbon or a stranger's warm body or maybe all three. You know that, of course; you had a turn with these mild southern Januarys and still chose to turn on your heel and head back North as soon as you could. Sometimes I think that was the final nail for us, the last time we spoke, when I said how much I love this place and you looked at me like I'd joined a cult. Tell me if I'm wrong, but in that moment, I could see, a little, that you'd never trust my judgment again. Old friend, I don't entirely blame you. This place is beautiful, but it's a fuckin' mess, too. I wish you'd gotten to see both sides of that coin.

Truthfully, though, I also mean it in a metaphorical sense, that I just don't have those kinds of emotional winters anymore. I think some of that is the extra hours of sunlight, although a larger part is probably age and maturity... and maybe the rest is just Lexapro. Have you ever taken an antidepressant? It's a sort of weird experience—first finding yourself in a world where things that had been crushing you feel so easy to lift, and then trying to find a level where the heaviest things don't crush you but the lightest things can still lift you off your feet. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could titrate it all, muffle all my feelings when it's late at night and they're trending anxious and lonely, and amplify them when I'm on the couch with a glass of red wine and a Taylor Swift album. (Would you believe I only cried once when I heard the last album? Did I even like Taylor Swift when you knew me?) Maybe that's just me on my own bullshit like always, wanting to choreograph every emotional moment for maximum poignancy and then turn on all the lights on set when things get too intense.

I know it's ridiculous, and a little self-centered, but sometimes I used to wonder if I lost you as a friend when I lost the ability to feel that kind of sadness, that deep blue ocean where your legs have been treading water for so long that they forget what it felt like to stand on dry land. On some level, choosing to fold it up and pack it away, to get some therapy and some coping skills, felt like a betrayal of our sacred bond, like a sledgehammer to the foundation on which you and I had built our houses. Am I crazy for thinking that? You once called me a used car salesman, back at a time when the idea of being happy felt like a hazy dream, and you were right—I was spending a lot of energy trying to fake it. These days, though, I don't do any faking. I guess I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me.

One last thought: I don't miss you anymore, old friend, but I do still think about you sometimes. I think about you and me on that dark hillside, linking arms, howling at the moon, and I wish I could send you every good vibration on this planet. I know that even if I saw you one day on this side of the fence, you might still turn your head away and keep walking... but I'd still love to catch a glimpse of you in the daylight.

Anyway, don't be a stranger, now.

With love,

even still,

even if only a little,

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

Moony

Remus x Reader

Part 2

Summary - After you left Remus after telling him about your pregnancy, you're now trying to juggle being pregnant by yourself in a foreign country, along with your three best friends searching for you.

Trigger Warning - Cursing, mentions of abortion, angst, it's longish? I think that's all. Let me know if there's more though.

Italics are letters, Bold is unknown to the readers.

America.

That's the only way you can really describe it. It is, well, America. Some places are incredibly beautiful, some terribly ugly. Some incredibly cold, some unbearably hot. Some busier than Diagon Alley on the day all the kids come to buy their things, some slower than a virgin's bedroom.

You hadn't seen much, especially seeing as how you had only been there for a week, but it was already more than you expected. You expected a stern talking to, you expected a bed rest, you expected a midwife in every thirty minutes, and you definitely expected to have someone at your side every second of the day. But, that wasn't what you got.

Especially seeing as how, your Great Grandpa kicked the rest of your family out of the house before you arrived, not wanting his favorite grandkid to be in an uncomfortable home, especially while she was growing his two great, great grandkids.

He was incredibly wealthy, a pure blood from England gone American. You had been the only one that actively spoke to him and visited him as often as you could while he lived in England. Now, your family was watching the sand fall in his hourglass to see who got the most money from his will. Honestly, though, you could see the man living another 200 years - just to spite them all.

He had taken you out, shown you incredible things, although you were stuck in a stupid state of unbearable heat - Texas. Although, the heat had taken you out of the sweaters that had you crying every time you got a whiff of his scent, and into some beautiful maternity sun dresses. You had already sent 20 pictures to Molly.

You had yet to write to Lily though, but her owls came twice a day, at least. You were starting to worry that she would get on James' broom and follow the owl herself to find you. Her letters really all stayed the same.

Y/n, just tell me where you are. I won't tell Remus, or Sirius. Heck, I won't even tell James. Harry and I will come visit and I'll tell you all about how I beat Remus' arse. Or how James did....Or how Sirius did. But, please, just write me back. I love you. I miss you incredibly.

Then you had

Y/n, come on, you really have me worried. The entire order has heard about what happened and I think they're all freaking out each second like we are. We miss you. You're the ray of Hufflepuff joy we all need, the always Ravenclaw intelligence the boys really need, the absolute Gryffindor bravery in the craziest of situations that the order needs, and the Slytherin strength I need. Please, just write back.

Then, she got help from the boys - or, the ones you would be open to hear from.

Y/n, while I have to be honest, Lily is standing over my shoulder watching me write this, I was going to do it either way. Remus was an absolute arse, I understand that, but we miss you. Lily, Harry and I want nothing more than for you to be home, with us even. You don't have to see him, you really don't. We just want to be here for you through this time, the good and the bad. Please write back.

When that didn't work, you had a howler from Sirius.

Y/n Y/l/n, I swear, if you don't write me back, I'm gonna jump into the paper and send myself! I'm going absolutely crazy watching Lily freak out every day! You're the only one that can calm her, not even James is doing it! You're taking away my precious James time! I fucking miss you - okay? Moony is an absolute dick. He deserved you walking out on him, he really did, but please don't walk out on all of us too. Y/n, we miss you, we really do. Moony isn't even here anymore, he left after we all went to Molly's - Sirius, don't tell her that! - Shit, fuck, how do I scratch that? Uhhh, I didn't say that. Erase! Erase! Lily, how do I erase on a howler? Fuck. Whatever. I'm sure it erased. But, come home. I'll make James make you that surprisingly good chicken he makes and I'm sure Lily would love to give you some old baby momma clothes or whatever the fuck they're called. I just - we just - no, I miss you, okay? Come home.

Your heart broke, not just because Remus was missing, but because your friends were hurt.

You sat down at the table in your guest house, sighing softly. A quill and some parchment sat before you, your hand shaking as you dipped it into the ink.

Lily, James, and Sirius.

While I know I could write a letter to each of you separately, I'm almost positive you're all together, or you're gonna call each other as soon as you get my letter.

I'm okay, I think. Not as okay as I wish I was, I cry a lot. While I wish I could blame it on the hormones, I know it's not. Everything reminds me of him, even here. No, I'm not in England, I'm in the states. I'm staying with some family and I think it's doing me well. At least, I've started to own my pregnancy.

After what Remus said to me, my body broke. I just about hated the fact that I was pregnant. Not my kids, just that I was pregnant. But, with each day, I realize that this pregnancy is the thing I needed most. While I wish I didn't have to say this - it showed me the man Remus is. Does that mean I cry any less? Of course not - you guys know me.

But, I really don't think I can come home, at least not yet. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm to do. I love Remus with every fiber of my being, but how do you love a man that told you to get rid of your own children, the minute he gets home from a mission he could have died from? How do you let him hold you as he feels the two children you both created grow in your belly knowing he hates them?

I'm going to come home eventually, of course I am. And I already promised Molly I'll be back for a visit soon, and you guys are more than welcome to come visit once I teach my family how to properly floo in America - did you know they don't do that here? It's super weird. But, I love you three incredibly. I'm so sorry this has happened. Be safe.

Your heart broke as you debated on writing more, about what your heart was still set on. Remus. Where was he? Where did he go? Had they heard from him? Was he looking for you? But you couldn't bring yourself to ask them.

The owl was sent with their letter, leaving you in the silence once more.

How could you feel so absolutely alone when you had people wanting nothing more than to be with you? Is it what you thought you deserved? They were his friends before they were yours. You felt horrible that they were taking your side. You felt your heart ripping slowly with each beat it made in it's spot in your being. It was like one half of your heart was tied to Remus' and with each beat away from him, it tore you apart - slowly, filling you with excruciating pain.

Five minutes after the letter was sent, you were standing, trying to find a way to busy your mind.

Ten minutes after the letter was sent, you were crouching in the corner, the weight of your predicament pressing down on you so hard, it's like it formed hands and was set on pushing you six feet under without any hole dug for your body.

Twenty minutes after the letter was sent, your body was shaking with it's sobs once more, the loss of not only your spouse, but also the friends you loved almost as much as him.

An hour later, you had fallen asleep on the floor, your mind groggy and your heart tearing with each beat, your conscious hoping to pull you away from the pain your felt in the body that was supposed to be yours - but belonged to the man who seemed to not want you anymore.

It was dark, so incredibly dark. The only thing that was seen was the moon, halfway full in it's wake. The only thing heard was the pads of feet stomping on the ground as they ran. Ran where? Ran why? You could feel the pain in your chest, but it was like it wasn't your own. As you came to a stop, you looked at a building that seemed a familiar kind of unfamiliar - although that didn't really make much sense to you.

Before you realized it, you were slumped over the toilet, letting out the contents of your stomach. One of your hands pulled your hair to one side of your shoulder, keeping it there. But all you could think was how badly you wish it was Remus holding your hair, rubbing your back as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

But all that mattered today was to get through it, like any other day.

One day following the motions.

Two days following the motions.

Three, four, five days.

Until your hands were pulled from your face, the skin around your fingers almost chewed to nothing, the warm face of Lily standing before you.

"If I see you bite your fingers one more time, I'm going to hex them to taste like Harry's dirty diapers." She spoke, pulling you up from your spot on the couch.

"Lily - I." You stopped, looking around her to see James, Sirius, and Harry. "How?" You asked, looking back into the eyes of your best friend.

"Your great grandpa is super cool. I think he was getting tired of all the letters we were sending him too and gave us the floo network here to knock you out of whatever it is you're in." Sirius spoke, Harry on his shoulders, pulling at his hair.

"You guys-" You were cut off with Lily pulling you into her hold, her larger belly pressed against yours as you both attempted to properly hug one another.

"I have missed you, so much" Her voice was soft, uncommon for Lily. Her hands held you tightly, almost like she was holding onto you to make sure you didn't disappear once more.

"Come on Lils, other people missed her too." Sirius spoke to cause her to pull away and glare at the man. "If you weren't holding onto my kid, I'd have hexed you so hard for that." She said, moving to grab Harry from his shoulders as James wrapped you up in a hug himself.

"If we hadn't seen you for another day, I think Lily was going to fly off on my broom." He said, causing you to laugh at your own prediction.

You finally got to Sirius, his arms holding you tighter than the two. "I'm sorry." He mumbled, his hold growing tighter. "What are you sorry for, Siri?" You asked him, pulling away to look into his face.

"What he said, what he did. That's not what you deserved." He mumbled, pushing your hair back a bit. "I swear, I about pounded his face in at Molly's. I think Arthur had to separate me magically." He trailed off, looking at the floor.

His words brought tears to your eyes once more, your heart feeling empty, yet full. "That's not your fault, Sirius. We all knew he didn't want kids, but we weren't careful. I don't know why his reaction surprised me." You were honest with them, having thought this entire thing was truly your fault.

The three of them surrounded you, their eyes narrow with intent. "Y/n, the last thing this is, is your fault. You're his fiancée, not a random person. Either way, those are his kids. He shouldn't have treated you like he did." James spoke with meaning, wanting you to understand each word he spoke.

Somehow, the four of you relaxed enough to find yourself growing to bed. You showed Sirius his room, a place where James and Lily can lay Harry, and then their own room, before finding your way to your own.

You laid in bed, wide awake. You knew what tonight was, the night before the full moon, and knew that Remus was probably out wherever he was, already in pain. Every turn was different, it truly was, but each night before the full moon, his body ached, his bones almost softened, knowing they would be breaking and turning in 24 hours, and his head psyched him out, especially when you weren't there. This was now the third full moon your financé was to handle without you.

You refused to cry, knowing Lily always had a third sense to that stuff, and willed yourself to sleep. But, you laid there.

And laid there.

And laid there some more, until you couldn't handle the quiet, and found yourself moving out of the room and towards Sirius'.

You had slept with Sirius before, each time when Remus was gone and your heart could hardly handle it. Now, the three hearts inside of you couldn't stand the guilt of not being with him.

The door didn't creak when you opened it, none of the floor boards made a sound, but that somehow made it worse. Your feet carried you to the dark haired man, seeing his sleeping frame move, sensing another person there.

His eyes jerked open, coming to look at you as he smiled sadly. "How did I know you'd come in here. Just can't resist the charm, can you?" His voice was deeper, rougher from sleep. It calmed you, but never like Remus' did. You waddled closer to the man, his arms opening for you as you crawled into him.

You both laid in silence, but awake now, as you took in the moment.

"I miss him, Siri. I know I shouldn't, I know I should hate him, but my entire being misses him." Your voice was softer than his was, much softer, but it wasn't because you were afraid of him, but because you were afraid of your own truth.

"I know you do. I know he misses you too. You guys are kinda like Lily and James, meant to be. He's just, an absolute git for this." His fingers worked in your hair, rubbing your scalp and causing your eyes to close in comfort.

"I thought we were meant to be too. But, he doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't want us." At that, Sirius rested a hand at your bump, this being the first touch they really had beside your own. "He does, he's just stupid and scared. Either way, you have us. Aunt Lily, Uncle James, and, the absolute best uncle in the world, Uncle Siri. We've got you." His sensere words lulled you to sleep, a sleep where you felt safe and happy falling into.

You were running again, but it didn't feel like you were in danger. It felt like you were running to run, really. Which, was something you did not do. You weren't in the woods, but you didn't know where you were. All you did know is that you were still scared. Absolutely, bone crushingly scared.

With each step you took, the fear grew. How could you possibly be this scared? You were looking for something, but you didn't know what. You were shaking, but from both the cold and the fear. You were shaking. Shaking. Shaking

Shaking. "Y/n, wake up!" Sirius was looking down at you, his eyes full of excitement. "Your great grandpa is showing us the American version of Diagon Alley today!" You smiled up at him, nodding.

"Okay, okay, let me get changed."

The four of you had left your Grandpa once he settled himself down to play some wizards chess, waving you off.

"You know where the house is when you're done, I've got a title to keep."

You wandered through stores, showing them the few things you had learned so far about the wizarding world here. The four of you had just walked into their version of Flourish and Blotts when you were stopped by an older couple. "Oh, you both look absolutely wonderful! I remember when I was that pregnant. How far are you both?" she was smiling at you and Lily, growing closer to you.

"I'm due in about a week and a half. We already have one, Harry, who's staying with her family." She had pointed to you, smiling at the older woman. "Oh, I'd expect you to be due any day now. Seconds always come early and you look family dropped. What about you dear?" She had looked to you, glancing at your own belly.

"Oh, I'm only a few months along. Twins." You laughed, your hand resting protectively on your belly. "Awe, that's lovely. You both look radiant. Two amazing father's, I hope?" She now looked at James and Sirius, smiling at them. "Oh, no, I'm not the father. Our best mate is." Sirius spoke, gesturing to you. "Well, I dunno, is he?" He asked, looking at the three of you. "It's complicated." Lily said, smiling.

The older woman nodded, smiling. "I completely understand. I wish you both the best of luck." She bid you all adu, leaving with her husband.

"I can't tell if that was awkward or sweet." James laughed, leading you all to the door to leave.

You all laughed as you walked through the Wizarding space until you and Lily began complaining about the swollen ankles and bloated stomach enough to convince James and Sirius to guide you both home.

As the day turned into night, you now showing your friends the muggle artifacts your grandpa has collected from his move to the states. That was, until Lily groaned in pain.

"Fuck, she was right." The young woman grumbled, clenching her bump. "What do you mean?" James asked, his hand on her back softly. "He's coming early, James. I'm in labor, fuck." She groaned again, tilting her head back at the pain she was feeling for the second time in her life.

"Shit, Sirius, go find some towels. I'll go tell grandpa to write the healer for labor." You spoke, pointing Sirius in the direction of the towels before moving to Lily. "It'll be okay, okay? Everything will be fine." She nodded, gripping your hand tightly as she looked in your eyes. She smiled before groaning once more, a contraction hitting her. "Okay, okay, healer. You guys lay her down." Sirius returned with multiple towels, James and him laying a few out before helping Lily lay down on them.

You turned to waddle out of your home, attempting to get to your grandpa's house as quickly as possible.

Three steps towards his house, you heard a twig snap.

Five steps towards his house, you heard a thud.

Nine steps towards his house, a figure stopped before you, it's frame furry and bent, a growl releasing from his lips.

A werewolf.

How the fuck is a werewolf standing in front of you, in the middle of fucking Texas, in a populated muggle area?

You took a few steps backwards, until it clicked.

The only Werewolf that would spend his full moon looking for you was the same werewolf that has plagued your mind for the past month.

Moony.

~

Tag list - You can always comment/send and ask/pm me about being added to tag list! If your name is white, it wouldn't let me tag you!

@gog0juice @isabellamur @tae-v-val @missmulti @brod16 @justmesadgirl @little-bit-of-randomness @emptyporsche @pan-pride-12 @zabrynaskylar @introverted-gal @girl22334 @lilacskiesandpolaroids @crowleysqueenofhell @tb-ctn @y0urlocallos3r @rachaelluvil @thelastwildangel @dan-knee-03 @dive-the-frogger @delaneychamberlain @mahleigham

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Inej Ghafa x fem! insecure! Reader - Arms Of A Saint

A/n: I know this came out of no where but... Here it is! I promise that dancing eyes part 2 is coming out soon I just had an idea and I couldn't get it off my mind. Plus! Cause I just watched Cruella recently I will be making a Kaz Brekker fic based off of that ish!

Warnings: Body dysphoria, the reader thinks she's ugly, blood, guns, mentions of wounds, YOUR ALL BEAUTIFUL REMEMBER THAT!!! I think that's it? You have been warned!

Summary: You get the Wraith hurt, and your insecurities get the best of you

(image not mine)

You sighed and rested your forehead against the cool glass of the window. You considered bashing your head in too, maybe this feeling would go away then.

Tears started to build up in your e/c eyes and you couldn't stop them from falling down your face. Of course, you were crying - not being good enough fucking sucked.

Brushing your tears away angrily, you stomp over to your dresser. Why couldn't you just be good at your job? It would make everything so much easier if you could just be as good as the others. At least then you would be competent at something and your looks might not have mattered that much then.

You bring out a small bag and start shoving some clothes in the sac. More tears start to drip out of your eyes and you can't seem to stop them as you pack up everything (which is very little).

Stop being weak Y/n.

You hurry and run out the door with your bag in your hands. Your lucky it's a Sunday because most of the dregs would be out at the bar or on a job. You almost start running down the stairs but the window seems like the better option. And the Wraith wouldn't be out tonight.

That was completely your fault too.

Starting to climb out of the window and you land on the ground with a thump. You groan in pain, great you probably bruised your bone. Fucking fantastic.

You double-check you have everything and that your katanas are on your back. Tracking your path back towards the harbour where your boat would be there always waiting for you.

It always knew you were going to run back to it. You always did, in the end.

You were blind, naive even. You've always been running your entire life, running from your abusive parents. Running from sick men, running from your insecurities. You were good at it too, Inej may have been good a disappearing in plain sight but you could travel across the world and no one would be able to find you again even if they had the exact coordinates to where you were.

Inej, oh Inej.

Leaving your friends was going to be hard, but leaving Inej? You almost wept at the idea. She was your moonlight, yet she was your sunrise. Your moonrise, your little nickname for her.

She was always so amazing but you never envied her, no. You embraced her and all that she was, her bad parts and her good parts, Inej Ghafa was a saint if you ever saw one.

And the fact that you love her may also be another reason.

You run down the harbour trying to reach your boat before anyone would catch you. Although you did have a seeking suspicion that they would be secretly glad you left. No one screws up as many times as you do, and this was just the breaking point because you screwed up big time.

You had nearly gotten the Wraith killed.

You were with the Crows on a simple job, get inside the house that had ten security guards and kill the sleeping man and get out. Simple. Really you wondered why Kaz even needed the crows for this one.

Then how did it go so wrong?

You were all running, they knew you were going to be there but they didn't even double their guards. No, they thought someone was going to be there, singular. Nevertheless, they still knew. So you kill the sleeping man, you all are running but as it turns out what they told you was true. As soon as you would kill that dense man they would (try) and kill the Wraith.

They almost did.

Two bullets landed in her chest, it's a miracle she survived really. Plus that was three days ago and no one would talk to you, you had realized then that you had to leave. What were you worth if they couldn't trust you? You remembered the harsh words they had said, and you don't blame them Inej is their best friend. That didn't mean it hurt any less.

"What will happen the next time? And the time after that? You are suspended for a few weeks, we just can't trust you to do the rational thing as of right now."

Ouch.

"Y/n?"

You whip your head around and you go to reach for the katanas on your back but then your eyes land on Inej.

Your hands fall from your back and you can't meet her eyes. How could you? Not while you were going to leave to the only person who could even come close to a living saint. Fuck Alina Starkov no one could ever beat Inej Ghafa. But that's not why you love Inej Ghafa and there would never be one reason, but hundreds that you could list off for all of eternity if you wanted to.

Unfortunately, you didn't have that type of time, did you?

"What are you doing?"

Your eyes finally meet her and your breath catches inside your throat. The moonlight shines on her skin making her look like she's glowing and it accentuates her eyes making them look like they're dancing moons.

Like you yell to the world every night, a living saint.

Quickly you look down again not wanting to have to see her face when you break it to her.

"Leaving." It's one word with two syllables but it still makes tears come to your eyes. Or maybe it's just the person you telling it to. But you force the tears down but you don't even bother with the neutral 'I don't care' face. Your not Kaz Brekker and Inej would see right through that. Maybe that's why you always liked her, she could understand you.

To a point obviously.

"That's all? You're leaving and that's all your going to say to me! Leaving!"

You throw your hands up in the air. "Well, I can't stay here! Not in Ketterdam! I almost got you killed. You don't come back from that! I just can't bear the thought that-" You cut yourself off not being physically able to finish the sentence. How could you not though? You had to make her understand why.

"That maybe next time you would be gone, and it would be because of me."

Shock adorns her face. "You see why now? I can't stay! Everyone is already mad at me as it is! I just am tired of not being enough and getting people killed."

You take a deep breath trying to steady your breathing. "And I would be damned if you got caught up in my web of screw-ups, you don't need that." You shake your head to put emphasis on your words. "It would only get you killed and the world needs Inej Ghafa."

"By the saints Y/n! What the fuck are you talking about!"

Jumping startled at her outburst you realize then she might not just let you go like you were hoping for.

Well... Shit.

Honestly, this was not part of the plan.

"Of course you're enough for our little group of friends! Your a valuable team member who can slice people in half, and no one has the same knowledge of ancient to new languages as you! You blend in so well in a crowd it's scary! But we don't just keep you around because your good for jobs you brighten everyone's day by taking time for all of us, we need you!" Inej sighs and takes a step forward. She takes her hands into mine.

"I need you."

You breathe out a stuttering breath as she says the words. I need you. Although the words brought fields of hope into your heart, the doubt was still in the back of your mind, why would she need you? And for sure the Crows didn't want or definitely need you! But Inej wouldn't lie!

"I think-" You take in a breath and look straight into her eyes. Her eyes are the night sky. They're brown almost black but they have flickers of light like the stars in the Zemni farms. It hits you with full force and you nearly stumble over. You force yourself to look and pull away from her arms and those beautiful eyes.

"I don't think you get it Inej."

"Then explain it to me."

You close your eyes. How could you explain it to her? That every moment you look in the mirror and you feel disgusted with yourself. That you feel like your skills could never match with the ones of your friends?

"I'm just not enough, okay! I look at myself and I see these tiny flaws and they slowly just get bigger, and bigger. And every time I attempt to make them go away it just gets worse!"

You let out a choked-on-sob laugh. "And then my useless skills! Don't even get me started on that! Maybe looks don't matter that much, and I can suffice without looking even a bit fucking pretty but my 'talents' made up for that! But I look around at everyone else and I just can't seem to see why anyone ever keeps me around!"

Tears finally fall from your eyes as you sob and your knees wobble and they go to give out, but Inej catches you.

"I wouldn't lie Y/n, you are my everything."

The words were simple, yet they held so much weight of what they actually meant.

"You will always be enough for me."

And the Saint takes you into her arms.

Words 1605

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Shadow and bone taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien

(I do not own six of crows or shadow and bone!)

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello Dani.

I wish I were here with some cute Malec fan arts to show you instead of what I'm about to say. But I'm not. I guess I just need to talk to someone. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. You don't have to answer me. I guess the fact that I was comfortable enough to tell you these helps me enough. To at least know that I'm no longer the only person who knows these anymore. To know that it isn't a secret I have to bare alone. Cause I'm fucking tired of it.

Ok, here's the thing. Here, in my country, students attend a national exam at the end of elementary school. Just before entering middle school, at 11. The results of this test show whether you can enter some special schools that are built to guide and educate the students who got accepted. The students society thinks are smarter than the others. As far as I can remember, I knew I should take that test and get accepted. When I was a child my mother told me about a long time ago, when she and my father were at high school. My father had wanted to become a doctor at the time. He'd tried and studied hard and eventually gotten accepted at the medicine school. But back then, it had been very important for the students studying important majors at university- like medicine- to have a good social image and other people's opinion about them mattered a lot. And at that time, my father's family had had some kind of quarrels and fights going on with some neighbor families, and thus when those people were asked about my father personality, they've talked shit about him and he got rejected. He had to become a teacher instead. I was just a child back then, but even as a child, I could see how my father always yearned for what he'd lost. The way he talked about how good of a job it is, how doctors can help people a lot, and how if I'm smart and hardworking enough, I can become a doctor one day. Long story short, from a very young age, every one told me that I was intelligent and should become a doctor. It would make my family and my family name proud and I knew it. So I tried, I studied and I got accepted at that special schools at 11( cause it has always been part of the path I was shown ). I not only got accepted, but also got the best marks at the test in the town. That day was the only day I remember my father looked very proud of me. I always did good at the exams, but there was always something lacking for them, like, although I become a top student, I didn't become the best, or although I became the best, some of my marks still could be better. So there was always some criticism waiting for me, no matter what result I gained. The only time that there wasn't any, was that one time that I got accepted in those special schools at 11. That day I only saw appreciation. After that, I always kept trying but I guess I was never hardworking enough. My parents used to say it was because I couldn't put my complete focus on studying. Because I used to draw, and play soccer, and also attend English classes. I loved all of those activities, but I dropped all of them when I entered highschool. Because everyone said they were distracting me from my purpose that was becoming a doctor. That I needed to study biology and math and not waste my time with arts and sports. So I did it. And I was ok with it, or at least I thought I was. Untill I wasn't anymore. Until suddenly this pandemic started one year and a half ago, and I no longer could go to school. And I started struggling to keep up with my lessons and studying. I understood that I didn't enjoy it, it had become like a chore. I didn't understand how much my friends, my teachers and my school meant to me and how much it affected my willingness to studying till I lost it. And it took me even longer to find out the reason I needed them so much. And I hate that reason. I totally hate it. But it was true. I needed school because they gave me the appreciation and approval I always yearned for. I found out that one of the reasons I studied well was that I liked everyone appreciating me. I like the looked of awe in their eyes when I solved math problems or when I answered a biology question no one knew of. And I no longer had those. I was all alone with my family, since school were closed. And I knew- I know- my family loves me, but their tactics for helping someone or something get better has always been criticizing the wrong things, instead of praising the good parts. And it helped, or it used to do, at least. But just as long as I got the praise and approval I needed from the others. But I didn't

get them anymore cause I was all alone with my family now. I just had them. And the criticism become harder and unbearable. Studying was like a burden, a chore. And it didn't help that with the whole staying home situation, I had more time to think and I realized how long it had been since last time I drew anything. Or played soccer. Or read my favorite novels. I realized I never once stopped to think about what I wanted to do. My life path had always been described for me. I'd always known what I was supposed to do, or what I was supposed to be. But I was no longer sure if it was what I wanted. And I was confused and lost and absolutely terrified. I didn't know what to do. Whether to continue my path, or change it. I tried to speak to my parents. But they didn't get it. They didn't get why I was suddenly hesitating and told me I was just ruining all those years of trying, for nothing. So I stopped talking about it. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't help feeling like I've always lived for others. Like, why the hell should I need my teachers and classmates appreciating and praising me? Why should not having that anymore make studying boring for me?? Why did I never thought about my future as a choice, not something that was always set to happen?! I was angry at myself but most of all, I was lost, I didn't know what the hell to do. And no one could understand me, so when my parents asked me how I was preparing myself for the national exam of universities acceptance, I lied. I lied and told them I was doing ok, while I totally wasn't. I couldn't tell them, I didn't want them to blame me, cause I blamed myself enough. I hoped it will get better by the time. But it didn't. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking Christopher Lightwood, while honestly, I'm more a Alastair Carstairs.

And now, here am I, not knowing what the hell to do. The exam for universities acceptance is in less than a month and a half. I know I still have time, but I no longer know what I want to do. And I no longer believe in my abilities. I think my parents were right, I think I just wasted my time hesitating and questioning myself. Maybe becoming a doctor doesn't make me happy, but isn't it worth it?? That at least it is what my father wanted for me all along? That I can at least make my family happy and proud?? Cause I don't know what makes me happy. And now, it's too late to think about it and find out. Cause I'm scared to find out. I'm scared that I make my family disappointed, like I made myself disappointed. I'm afraid it's too late and no matter what I do, I'm gonna make them disappointed. That while everyone thinks I'm gonna get accepted at the best medicine school, I won't get accepted at all. I wasted so much time questioning everything. If only I continued my path, at least my family would be happy. But now, I'm terrified that I make them disappointed and remain unhappy myself. Cause even if I was living a lie, even if I one day got up and see I didn't like my life, at least I still had a life. A life in which nobody had expectations from me any longer. And even if I didn't like my life, I was at least alone to do whatever I want with it. But at the moment, I just want to become a doctor, and pay off what I've always felt I owe my family. My father. That was the only thing he ever wanted from me. ( And it pays handsomely, sure. It's just, I was never sure if I enjoy doing it, not just its payment.)

But I'm now terrified that I've ruined my chance for even having this. I think I should've never questioned my life. It didn't help that I found out I wasn't happy. I can't help but think I fucked everything up. I always tried to be open to changes. To be brave, just like Alec was. But how can I do that when I don't know what I want? How can I even choose another job when I was practically raised to become a doctor since forever? How can I change my path when I sacrificed lots of things that I loved for it?? All those soccer games I didn't attend, all those drawings I didn't draw, just to have time to study! How can I do it?? And what if my family was always right, that becoming a doctor is best for me? What if I've had fucked up my chance of becoming a doctor even??

And more than anything, I'm tired of keeping all that a secret. I feel guilty as hell whenever I see my parents cause I lied to them, and it's making it all hard to breathe. I'm really really tired. I'm lost. What am I supposed to do? What should I do???

Hello, darling.

Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm glad you wanted to talk to someone. Whatever you feel, it's out now. You no longer have to worry this is a secret. I hope that helps you a little. I hope it lightens the burden you carry on your shoulder.

As always, I cannot tell you what to do. It's your life - something I do remind yourself more often. It helps. I promise.

But I can tell you what I think.

1. I think you are very smart. Like VERY smart. So, if you are worried about changing your academic course or career path, I would say you have nothing to worry about. If you can study biology, trust me, you can find your way through any other subject. It's nothing to be afraid of. Every subject is hard. But you seem like a relentless little fighter to me. So, you will figure it out.

2. I think the reason your father wants you to be a doctor is because he still feels the pain of not achieving his dream. If he doesn't enjoy teaching, then he knows what it's like to live a life of regret. Your father wants to spare you from that. But irony is cruel. Because that very effort has pushed you into the same path. I think someone *cough* you *cough* needs to remind your father that even if you become a doctor, you will not be happy. And while your parents might not be able to see it clearly as you do, it's what they want too. Success doesn't necessarily mean happiness. So, maybe you should tell your father that. Tell him that even if you become a doctor, it wouldn't make you happy. So, despite all their prayers and efforts, your parents would still fail. Because you would be living a similar life as your father had to.

3. One and a half month sounds like a very short time. But here is the thing. I feel like if you put your mind to it, you can get through this exam. But what about your heart? Where does it want to be? What does it want to do? For me, it doesn't sound like a problem of "can I do this?". Yes, you can. It's more a question of, "do I want to do this?". I don't know the answer to that. You are smart. Figure it out.

4. The best advice I've gotten in life is this "do what makes you happy." I know that many don't have the luxury of following that advice in every possible way. But you have the chance. do it. If something or someone is bringing you unhappiness, you should have the liberty to say "no fuck off." It takes a lot of courage to look at something and say 'no'. We haven't been taught to say that enough. Learn to say 'no'. If you take away anything from this response, it should be that.

5. You don't owe anyone anything. Just so you know. Not your family. Your parents. Not your school. No one. Nothing. But you owe it to yourself to be happy.

6. I have met many people like your father - and perhaps yourself - who have told me that "I couldn't follow my dreams. But when I have a child one day, I will do everything in my power to make sure they get to achieve their dream". It's truly a beautiful sentiment. But all I can think is...If it's possible for us to fight for an unborn child of ours, then why can't be fight for ourselves. If we are willing to fight in the future, then why not now?

I know you want your parents to be happy. I know you don't want to let them down. I know a lot of us think that way. So I ask - Why can't we show the kindness we are willing to show the ones we love to ourselves?

7. I don't know what you are going to do either, my love. But I know you will survive. So, even if these words get washed away and even if the confidence you feel is momentary and even if you end up taking the exam and do biology, I hope you remember that it is never, ever, ever too late to choose yourself. To follow your dreams. To stand up and say no.

8. You told me you are more like Alastair. So, I'll leave you with this.

"If you choose that for yourself, it is your choice, but you cannot choose for me”

All my love,

Dani x.

[vanciels]

𝚂𝙾𝚄𝙻-𝙳𝚄𝙾. | 𝙹𝙹 + 𝙺𝚃𝙷

Part 2: Realize.

When you turn nineteen the system gives you the mark that tells you who will be your soulmate, you could not be less excited about it. Until the expected day arrives and against all odds you end up with twin brands and you have no idea what to do with two soulmates when you never wanted one in the first place.

pairing: jeongguk x reader x taehyung.

warnings: no-one just jimin being the best friend in the world and taehyung and jeongguk being adorable as they find out they are soulmates. 🥺💜

n/a: I DON'T KNOW I DID JSDHLAKJSFHKAJS FUCK. As i had said before, my mother tongue is not english but i do my best to make myself understood, that is why i had never encouraged myself to do a narration. I apologized for any grammatical errors and inconsistencies that you may find, i used some apps to make it as decent as possible 🥺🥺

previous. | masterlist. | next.

You were completely scared, that was the most appropriate term that you had found to describe the immense feeling of heaviness that drowned you at that precise moment. You had left home to receive the mark, and then what? you hadn't thought about that.

two soulmates... two.

You hadn't wanted one, now you had two of them.

You sighed passing a hand through your hair, Jimin only dedicated himself to observing you without having any idea of how to approach you and you couldn't blame him; you were at a point where anything could make you cry in anguish.

The mark on your arm was beautiful, you did not know what the order was because the system was not obliged to explain it to you, it was supposed to make sense when you saw it in your soulmate but for some reason you understood it. The lines of the sun and the moon, the hands that held them, everything had an order that you strangely understood and did not know how to explain. You couldn't stop looking at your forearm like it was a strange thing.

"Stop making that face, you're starting to scare me." Jimin laughed softly, pushing you gently. "Are you feeling okay? Do you want to cry?"

You laughed, finding a comfortable place between his shoulder and neck to lay your head. "I... I don't know how I feel honestly." You swallowed hard, searching for the right words to explain yourself. "I feel like it's okay to have the mark, but my thoughts remain hazy as to whether or not I want to have a soulmate. I don't want someone to choose who I should love for me."

Jimin nodded slowly. You could feel his hand distributing soft caresses on your back that managed to comfort you. "I don't know how you feel. I was with Namjoon all my life, and then we were fortunate to be soul mates... But, if you allow me to give you some advice, I would tell you to allow yourself to meet those people who may be so confused like you for having twin brands and not knowing what to expect. They don't necessarily have to be involved in love. After all, soulmates aren't always romantic."

The words of your best friend penetrated strongly in your head, maybe you were being a bit selfish thinking only about what you wanted when you were involving not just one but two more people.

"Alright ..." You grabbed Jimin's hand between yours considerably smaller, although Jimin's hands were also quite small. You loved his little finger and how adorable he was. "You think maybe they... I don't know, have they met before? I don't want to get into someone else's relationship, Jimin."

"Mmh." Jimin sighed, squeezing your hands playfully. "I couldn't tell you, you'd have to wait for the first message. Speaking of which... have you received any messages?"

You looked at your phone feeling mindless discomfort in your chest, shook your head and buried your face deeper into Jimin's neck.

[romansrgn]

ch. 8

"I can't believe we just did that." Braelin shook her head in disbelief.

Dante looked down at his naked girlfriend."You regret what happened?"

"No, of course not. I'm just surprised that this was the place we decided to, you know—"

"Make love?"

Braelin raised a brow, surprised at how intimate it sounded. "Is that what we did?"

Dante thought for a moment, and honestly, he wasn't sure. Don't get him wrong, he slept with his fair share of women and could honestly say what he and Braelin just did felt different than the night of fucking he's grown accustomed to with the previous women he had been with, But at the same time, it felt that it was too soon to call what he and Braelin did "making love." Especially since he knew she had some unresolved feeling for her ex despite the constant declarations to him about wanting to see where they could go.

"I think you and I need to put some clothes on before someone walks in and sees you naked, and I'll have to kill them." he kissed the tip of her nose.

Braelin rolled her eyes and stood up."Right because seeing me naked with a swollen belly is every man's fantasy."

Dante gave her a look, "You're only saying that because you don't see yourself the way I do. I just had you and already want seconds."

Braelin popped her hand on her hip. "Seconds?"

"You're right; Sixths is more like it." He smirked, burying his head in her neck. He loved that she smelled like him.

Braelin kissed him lightly on the lips. "You didn't even take any pictures."

"You underestimate me, baby. I managed to get twenty shots before getting in between those sweet thighs of yours."

Braelin laughed. "Ok, this is not a story I'm going to tell the kids once they're old enough to see the pictures themselves."

Dante snorted, shaking his head. "Sex? Check. Photoshoot? Check. How about dinner at any restaurant of your choosing?"

"Didn't we do this backward?"

Dante shrugged. "We can still have sex afterward."

Braelin lightly shoved him. "Ass."

Roman looked over his shoulder at the hand that was placed there.

"Don't be too disappointed. It's only your wife."

Roman sighed, "Do you want to keep doing this? I asked you to meet me here so we could talk, not argue."

Janelle nodded, "I'm here, and like I said, despite your infidelity twice. I'm still willing to work out our marriage."

Roman remained quiet after hearing that.

Janelle wasn't sure what she was doing. She's never been the type of woman to be ok with her man fucking around on her, and she still wasn't. But like she said before. She and Roman had too much history, and they've been through way too much to throw it all away. "I'm not trying to make this difficult. I want everything to go back to the way things used to be."

"I need to do something I should've done a long time ago and be honest with you. Do I still love you? Yes. Do I love still love, Braelin? Yes, and honestly, even after all these years, I still haven't stopped. What happened between Braelin and I shouldn't have happened, but I don't regret it. But what I do regret is how this is all affecting you, and that's why I think we should get a divorce."

Janelle smiled sadly. "I keep telling myself I owe myself more than what I'm giving right now. I'm trying to hold onto something so good and beautiful at one point because despite where we are now, our love was something to fight for, and I thought you felt the same."

Roman nodded, "I do. I did, and that's my point. I need to figure things out, and it's not fair to you or anyone else if I stay in a marriage that I swore before God that I would be in forever. When in reality, I have never done right by you."

"But You think you're doing right by Braelin? You're not. The three of us have been in this entanglement since college. But like fools, we all participate in it because, for whatever reason, we convinced ourselves that you were the right man for us."

Roman snorted, "You never wanted to work on our marriage. You didn't want me to go back to Braelin."

Janelle shrugged. "Despite what I feel about her and the situation. Neither one of us deserves to be led on by you."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"No, you're playing the field. Rounding the bases to see which girl you want to play with for a little while, but then you'll get bored, and then, of course, history will repeat itself."

Roman chuckled darkly. "Yea, and that never stopped you from spreading your legs for me every chance you got either."

Janelle slapped Roman hard across the face. "I was stupid to think you were worth my effort, let alone the time I've wasted on making this work. I wanted to keep you because I love you, but despite that, I realize I'm not in love with you. I know that now because no woman who could truly love themselves would be willing to be a second choice for a son of a bitch like you."

Roman pointed at his wife. "That's what I always liked about you, Janelle. You never hold back, and I appreciate that, so let me return the favor." He stood up, towering over her wrapping a strand of hair around his finger. "Even though we had our good times. You were never her. You will never be her."

Janelle snorted, removing his hand from her hair. "Right now, you'll never be Dante. You remember him. Braelin's boyfriend. You know the same boyfriend she fucked in the middle of her maternity shoot."

Roman's large hands flexed, and his eye twitched.

"Of course, you didn't know that, so let me shed a little light on the subject. According to my good friend, who happens to be the assistant to the makeup artists who did Braelins makeup. Those two were too busy fucking each other's brains out to notice that the building wasn't empty. But I can't blame her. Dante is fine as—"

Hearing enough, Roman walked off, leaving Janelle alone.

Janelle smiled. She would gladly give Roman his divorce; although she did love him, she no longer wanted his cheating ass. She can admit that to herself, but she will be damn if she allowed Roman to get his happy ending after all the pain he caused her. It was one thing to cheat once but twice and then got the woman he cheated with pregnant. He can get the fuck out of here with that.

But was Roman alone in this? No, of course not. It takes two to create a child, and in Janelle's mind, Braelin was guilty as sin and should also pay for her part in this betrayal. But she wasn't going to play the role of the wicked ex-wife. She was going to show Roman that he can't snap his fingers and get everything he wants. So her plan was simple. Give Braelin the happy ending she always wanted, and naturally, it wasn't going to be with Roman.

Roman ignored questioning stares as he walked past them. He immediately dialed Braelin, "Answer the phone, damn it."

"Hey, Rome, you ok?" Naomi asked, immediately noticing the tension in his frame. "Is Braelin ok?"

Roman glared at her while hanging up the phone. "Where's your cousin?"

Naomi raised a brow at his tone, "Probably busy since she didn't answer your call, and with the way your attitude is right now, I'm glad she didn't."

Roman snorted, "Right, because I'm the big bad wolf."

"More like an indecisive fuck boy with good intentions. You don't want to hurt Brae, but somehow you always do. You two are friends who settled on co-parenting, but somehow that's not enough for you. You need to control every aspect of her life because you want to be her life."

"That's unfair and not true. I want what's best for her, even if it's not me. You know that."

"I know that you want to believe that, but your actions speak louder than those pretty little words. You have gone above and beyond to insert yourself into things that don't concern you. You two are not together anymore. Move on."

Roman knew Naomi was right, and despite his actions, he wanted Braelin to be happy, and with Dante, she was delighted. But he couldn't help but covet what he knew was his "Let me ask you something. If you and Jimmy broke up and after everything you two have been through together, would you accept him being happy with someone else? You would find it easy to sit back and watch someone else take your spot. Just like that."

Naomi shook her head. "You know Janelle is actually in this predicament, and I bet to you she seems like a real bitch for being hurt that you want to start over with the mother of your children. But the truth of the matter is you two are the real villains of the story, not her."

"At Least you're honest."

Naomi closed her eyes before turning around to see her cousin standing there. "I didn't mean to--"

"Yes, you did, and you're right. I know I can't take back what I did, and for that, I'm sorry because our actions caused someone else to get hurt in the process, not once but twice. I fucked a married man and got pregnant with his children. It was low down, and as a woman, it was disrespectful as hell. I'm the bad guy, not her."

Janelle clapped her hands, seemingly having heard the entire exchange. "That's the first step to redemption. Accountability, but it doesn't absolve you for what you did."

"It doesn't, and I can't say sorry enough to you, and I know that you can't forgive me--"

"It's not that I can't. I won't forgive you, Braelin. That's the difference. You willingly opened your legs for a married man not once but twice, and because of this affair, you got pregnant knowing I was having issues."

Roman opened his mouth to interject, but Braelin held up her hand, stopping him from commenting any further. She didn't need to be protected from this, especially since she knew she was the one in the wrong.

Braelin bit down on her bottom lip. "I didn't know." she defended. "I found out what was happening with you after I found I was pregnant. That's why I didn't want to say anything because it would be another slap to the face, and I couldn't hurt you like that."

"It's too late, Braelin," Janelle yelled. "I'm hurt either way, and the worse thing about this whole thing is that I'm not even surprised Roman cheated with you because this was always our favorite dance. The three of us. But, what I was surprised about was how weak-minded you still are when it comes to him." Janelle pointed to Roman. "And at first, we could blame it on how young and stupid we were, but the truth is only one of us is still stupid," she said before walking off, leaving Naomi, Roman, and Braelin alone.

"I didn't know you were— that she was." Naomi didn't know what to say to her cousin. She didn't attend for her talk with Roman to end with her cousin being dragged in front of what she can now see as the entire fucking locker room. At some point during the argument, they must've gotten the attention of some of the other superstars, "Maybe we should go somewhere else."

Braelin was numb. She came to Roman to ask what the emergency was since he had called her and texted her ten times. The only reason she didn't answer the phone was that she was already in the building. "No, I'm fine. I just wanted to let you know that I did a maternity photoshoot today.' Braelin looked around the arena of people who still occupied the room.

Roman tensed. "Really, and you didn't think I would like to attend?"

Braelin furrowed her brows at the question. "What are you—" her phone rang. "Hey, baby," she said, looking over at Roman and Naomi before excusing herself.

Naomi ran a hand through her hair. "I never attended for anyone to find out like this. I pushed too far and—"

Roman didn't like that their business was now on full blast, but he could admit it was nice to be open and honest with everything, and it made what he had to do next that much easier. Janelle wasn't the bad guy, but she wasn't the victim Naomi was trying to paint her out to be. He knew she had some tricks up her sleeve, and he'd be damn if he allowed her to interfere with him and his family "Yea, maybe a little. But Janelle is up to something."

"Janelle is not my concern, and considering all the shit you already have to deal with, she shouldn't be yours either."

Roman snorted, "It's hard to tell whose side you're on these days."

"I'm on the side I've always been on, and that's Braelin."

"Oh yeah? It seems like you're more on Janelle's side, and I'm not sure why that is. You and Janelle aren't friends, but from the way you're acting, you two have been friends for years. Braelin is the one that needs you right now. So instead of throwing what we did back in her face every second, maybe you should try to remember she needs you right now." Roman said, walking off. He had a meeting with Paul Heyman. He'll talk to Braelin later.

"I'm glad everything went alright with Tata. Send him my love, ok."

"I will. We're still on for tonight?"

Braelin grinned. "Of course. I should be done here before 9. They don't have much for me so that it might be sooner, and then I'm all yours."

Dante liked the way that sounded but deep down inside; he could never get himself to believe it. "You promise?"

Braelin heard the double meaning behind his question, and now more than ever, she wanted to make that promise to him, "I promise, I'm all yours. I'll see you tonight, baby."

Naomi peaked her head into the room once she heard her cousin end her phone call. "I want to apologize to you."

Braelin stuffed her phone in her pocket. "For what? None of this is your fault."

"It's not, but I don't want you to feel like I'm not on your side. Because I am. I've just been on edge since after Jimmy's surgery."

Braelin sighed, "I know that you've been through a lot lately, and of course, I know you're on my side, Nao. But it just feels like you're punishing me sometimes."

Naomi grabbed Braelin's hand. "I'm not punishing you. Yes, I'm-- I'm upset that this happened. Honestly, I knew what kind of hold you and Roman had on each other. I wish that I intervened before things could get more complicated for you."

Naomi loved Roman like a brother, but after Roman broke things off with Braelin to give his relationship with Janelle another chance, she witnessed Braelin's heartbreak live and in color. If it weren't for Jimmy talking her down, she probably would've killed Roman for what he did to her cousin.

"I don't need--"

"You almost stopped wrestling after you lost him, remember that?" Naomi whispered heatedly.

"I remember, Naomi. It wasn't my finest moments, and I sure as hell don't want to relive them. It hurt. It still does. It's why I'm scared as hell to give my heart to Dante out of fear that he's going to do the same thing Roman did to me."

"Then you need to be honest with him. You're making promises to him that are going to be impossible to keep because you can't stay away from your ex, and now that you're pregnant with his children, it's going to be even harder to keep that much-needed distance."

Braelin whipped the loan to tear that rolled down her cheek. "How did I manage to fuck things up this badly? I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I ended up hurting everyone."

Naomi laughed. "It's your talent, I guess."

Braelin pinched Naomi. "Bitch."

"Just think about what I said, ok."

Braelin nodded. She suddenly wanting to see Dante now more than ever.

Paul Heyman stood at the end of the table, eyeing both Roman and Vince McMahon. "I think this partnership could be beneficial to everyone."

Roman nodded. "A heel turn is unexpected, and it could be what I need to make things more interesting."

Paul grinned, "I agree, so what do you say? Do we have a deal?" He said, extending his hand.

Roman eyed the hand in front of him for a while before shaking it. "We have a deal, and since Jimmy's injured. I want Jey along for the ride."

Vince looked almost skeptical by the idea, but he trusted Paul and Roman to take this new storyline to new heights. "Fine, I'll leave you to it."

"So, here's what I think we should do--"

"We need to involve Braelin somehow," Roman said, interrupting Paul.

Paul blinked. "What?"

"You heard me. Since we're introducing this new heel turn and turning it into a family affair, I think it's only fair to involve not only Jey but Brae."

Paul Heyman had no issue involving more of the company's top talent but last heard, Braelin was close to retiring. "Umm, sure. But I thought she was retiring. "

Roman took a sip of his water. "She was, but now she has a reason not to."

Paul looked confused. "Explain."

"It's simple. She can't wrestle while pregnant, and since she's carrying my children, it'll add more layers to the story while giving her a reason to stick around."

Paul wouldn't call himself a manipulative man in the slightest. He was a smart businessman that knew how to make any situation work in his favor in the name of good content. However, that didn't mean he was against it, or he didn't know it when he saw it and if you asked Paul what Roman Reigns was doing was a manipulation at his finest. But whatever worked, and if Roman wanted Braelin a part of the story, then that is what's going to happen. "Whatever the tribal chief wants. The tribal chief gets."

Roman smirked, "That's what I like to hear."

AN: I know it’s been a while but I wanted to start the new year off right. Thanks to everyone who still reads and comments on this story on both here and wattpad. Stay safe and happy reading!

taglist:  @queenofthearchitect @calicina @never-sawft-princess @5dsinyourdirection @fancybarbii @aria725  @lustyromantic   @kai1996en @angelbaby908 

[babieyangyang10]

violent ends (chapter 4)

(chapter 4)

series masterlist

genre: hunger games!au

pairing: huang renjun x oc, na jaemin x oc

warnings: mentions of prostitution, language, violent deaths, fighting, angst, fluff, + possible nsfw.

previous | next

"So, each of the districts get their own floors. Since you're from two, you get the second floor." Doyoung explains as we step out of the elevator.

As we walk into the apartment, I stare in awe at the glamorous quarters.  There are many giant glass columns and a random display of silver trees and rocks.

"Here is the living room and your rooms are over here. How about you freshen up for dinner?" suggests Doyoung. 

In my room, I am met by a bed with a silky, soft comforter. I make my way into the spacious bathroom and hop into the shower. Inside, there was a panel with hundreds of buttons that regulated water temperature, pressure, and even provided massaging sponges.

After finishing, a heater dried my hair and body completely. I pressed another button and a box began sending electrical currents through my scalp, instantly untangling my hair.

Returning the bedroom in comfortable clothes, I see a strange-looking remote on the bed-side table. Intrigued, I begin pressing random buttons. As a result, the window showcasing the lights and building of the Capitol changes into different sceneries.

First, there was a city street filled with cheerful families walking together. After pressing a different button, a dry and deserted desert appeared on the screen.

Switching it once again, a scene showing several mountains peaking through behind a forest of trees. I felt a pulling-feeling in my chest. My throat also feeling slightly choked-up.

During the holidays, every year Taeyong would take me into the mountains of our district. He would pretend to be my knight in shining armor, while I was the princess in distress.  He'd never tell anyone, but sometimes it was even the other way around.

It's also where he taught me how to hunt and find my own food. How to determine between what is the good food and what is the not so very good food.

It was the only time I remember us ever truly being kids. Not soldiers, just a thirteen and seven year old exploring the big, exciting world together.

Then everything went to shit after Taeyong went to the games.  That year, the Gamemakers had chosen a forest for the terrain. However, it was filled with dangerous wild dogs, wolves, and spiders. The spiders had enhanced speed and were extremely venomous. However, the wild dogs were capable of changing their form and copying the voices of the tributes.

Because of this, the entire Career pack was slaughtered alive. Taeyong was the only one who managed to escape. Wounded and without supplies, a twelve year old boy from District 11 named Dong Sicheng had found and formed a alliance with him. Sicheng had shared all of his supplies and even nursed him back to health.

On the last day, they were approached by the last remaining tribute. Taeyong, spotted him and fired an arrow straight into his heart. As he turned around to check on Sicheng, he was met with the boy clutching a harpoon, longed deep in his chest.

Dong Sicheng slowly died in Taeyong's arms.

After the cannon went off, the Captitol announced over the speakers that Lee Taeyong of District 2 was the winner of the 64th Hunger Games.

No longer did he take me to the mountains. Honestly, we never did anything together. Since then, the closest I ever got to be to him was the one time when the rest of my family stood by him during his stop in District 2 during his press tour.

I've always wondered how he felt. Wondered if  he blames himself for what happened. However, I never wanted to intrude. It's not like I ever got the opportunity to ask him, anyways.

However, since I'm going in the games soon. I hope to eventually work up the courage to sit down and have a real talk with him. The real Taeyong, not the victor or mentor he acts like in front of everyone else.

I opened the door to see Doyoung, Renjun, and Taeyong sitting at the dining room table.

Once I sat down in the acid-green chair, Taeyong began talking, "The plan for tomorrow is the same for the both of you. You go to group training. Spend time practicing something your weakest at. Swing a mace. Throw a spear. Tie a decent knot. It doesn't really matter, just save showing off for the private session with the Gamemakers. Are we clear?"

Renjun and I both nod our heads at him.

"Well, have the two of you gotten to know any of the other tributes yet?" pries an interested Doyoung.

"I haven't. Although, Athena seems to be checking out the competition, already."  Renjun answers, nonchalantly.

"Wonderful!" Doyoung innocently chimed, "It's never too early to start considering possible alliances. Are you going to ask anyone to join the two of you?"

"Oh, we're not-" Renjun and I said at the same time. We're laughing as if he's said the funniest joke in the world.

"We've always maintained our own completely different strategies. Renjun prefers to be the predator. There's no doubt in my mind that if he does want to work with others, it'll end up being an alliance with the other Careers. " Renjun just silently nods in agreement.

"And what about you?" asked Doyoung.

"Let's just say I prefer not to walk around with a huge target on my head. I want to team up with someone well-liked, so we can get resources through sponsors." I explained.

"Like Na Jaemin?" sneers Renjun.

"You know people have been calling him the Prince of Panem. He's made quite the impression, already." Doyoung chimes, "And he's not the only one. People have been raving about you, Athena. They've even started calling you, the Golden Girl."

"That's good." Taeyong quietly adds to the conversion, "If you keep this up you'll get lots of sponsors."

Doyoung suddenly blurts, "In fact, most people think Jaemin and you would make a good couple."

At this remark, Taeyong drops his knife loudly on the table, while Renjun chokes on his drink. My mouth begins opening and closing like a fish, struggling to come up with a reply.

"We're done for tonight. You two should go to bed now." Taeyong orders, not hiding his agitation.

Quickly, we all return to our rooms. I crash on my bed and stare up at ceiling.

Jaemin and I as a couple?

Where did they even dream up that possibility from? I mean, we only had one barely two-minute conversation. People really do amaze me sometimes.

My thoughts are broken by a barely-there knock at my door. I groan and force myself off the bed.

I roll my eyes, before opening the door and saying, "Renjun, would you kindly please fuck off?"

However, the person standing there was definitely not Renjun. I tilt my chin up to see no other than Lee Taeyong, towering over me.

"Oh, sorry." I frown, embarrassed.

"Can I come in?" He politely asks me.

I step to the side and allow him inside. Once he's fully in, I closed the door behind him.

"Finally decided to talk to me, huh?"

He just stays silent, just letting me say whatever I please.

"You know, I thought you'd at least be happy for me. I mean, you of all people should know that this is the best thing that could ever happen to me." The emotions I've been holding in for the past 10 years are finally coming to the surface.

Taeyong looks at me with pity, "Athena, there are some things you don't know. Things that the school or our parents never taught us."

"What are you even talking about?" I pressure.

"After the games, you couldn't see me for a reason." He took a heavy breath, "Sometimes, if a victor is considered desirable, the president gives them as a reward or allows people to buy them for money. It’s not just me either, the same thing happened to Finnick Odair a year later."

"What do you mean, 'buy'?" I swallow.

"For sex."

It’s quiet.

"I was given no choice. He said that he would kill both of our parents and even you if I didn't obey." His eyes begin tearing up, "Athena, you don't know how much I wanted to come see you and teach you things."

"Taeyong." I whimper.

I felt sick to my stomach. How could they do that to him? He was just a thirteen year old kid. Even worse, how could I let myself hate and be jealous of him, when all along he was the reason I was still even living?

"I know I'm a horrible brother, but please listen to me when I say the Capitol uses everyone, including you. You have been taught that this, the games, are normal and something to be proud of. You haven't even seen how horrible it is for the lower districts. They can barely make it through one day without starving. They have basically nothing, while the Capitol is feeding off them."

Anger rises up in me. I look around at all the expensive things in the room. Think about the large amount of fancy food I've consumed while in the Capitol. I'm furious, because I've been lied to and tricked. Furious for Taeyong and all the others the Capitol has taken advantage of.

I jump into my brothers arms and completely break down. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean what I said Taeyong. It was stupid. I'm stupid."

"It's okay. You didn’t know." He shushes, while holding me.

“Listen to me. If you-“ he corrects himself, “When you win this thing, I’m not going to let him do anything to you, okay?”

“Taeyong, can I tell you something? I’ve just never got the chance to.” I ask.

He nods.

“What happened to Sicheng wasn’t your fault. You understand that, right?”

He painfully looks down at the floor, before slowly nodding.

“I’m serious, Taeyong. It’s not your fault.”

By the time he looks up, I am able to clearly see him. Underneath the years of pain, hidden away was a vulnerable boy. The tears come falling down his cheeks.

We spend the rest of the night talking about our past, telling stories. Both laughing and crying together.

My brother and I.

[go--ask--alice]

Exordium

It Started With a Kiss

[Author’s Note: The next three posts will be a continuation of a single event. They take place over the course of one night. It’s been broken up into three smaller parts.]

This is Alice and The Joker’s very first encounter. She had devised an intricate plan to sneak into The Grin & Bare It and come face to face with the man she’d been obsessed with for most of her adult life. After entering the club and making her way to a back storage room, she quietly snuck up to the area she knew J’s office resided. Everything almost ended before it began when a guard came upon her near the stairs. Alice played the “lost little girl” card and managed to get away from the guard with just a stern warning. When she finally found the correct door she was shocked to find it partially open. Peaking inside she found him. The Joker, sitting at the private bar, with his back to her. Summoning all her courage, she quietly stepped inside and laid a soft kiss to his pale cheek. Time seemed to stop as she waited for him to react. This was the moment that would ultimately seal her fate. She just didn’t know yet which direction it would lead her.

🃏 Joker

👑 Alice

------------

💋

🃏 *Turns to see where the kiss came from with a stern face* To whom do I owe the pleasure of this… little peck?

👑 *Jumps back a bit and extends a hand tentatively.* That would be me Sir.. it’s a pleasure to meet you, sorry for invading your personal space so boldly. I.. well I just couldn’t help myself. *Turns a deep shade of red at being so bold.*

🃏 *Looks around to see if you came with any goons or companions.* So… *snarky tone* is it just you? Or do you have some friends waiting in the wings. *I clutch my cane as I look you up and down curiously*

👑 No.. no Sir. Just me.. is that alright? I hope I’m not getting anyone in trouble by being here? *Turns around to the door.* Well it was open and I knew you’d be in here, I just couldn't resist getting a glimpse of you.

🃏 *I smirk. I love having my ego stroked* And how did you just know I’d be in here? Why are you such a fan of the Clown Prince? I don’t exactly have a traditional fan club. One might think you’re a little… mad. *Walks around you slowly taking you in.*

👑 *I turn my head to follow as you move around me.* Well people talk. I just happen to pay attention to what they say, or sometimes more importantly what they choose not to say. *I stand a little taller.* And I wouldn’t call myself a traditional person. I like to seek out the strange and different. You Mr. J, have both those qualities in abundance. It’s very… appealing. *I give you a wink as you pass infront of me agian.*

🃏 Well aren’t you a brave little chatter box. *Cackles* Flattery will get you everyhere *Pins you to the bar but then reaches behind you for a glass and starts pouring a drink* How rude of me! Can I get you something?

👑 My apologies.. I tend to ramble on when I’m nervous. *My heart rate spikes as you pin me. You’re so very close.* Umm.. a drink? *My brain goes a bit fuzzy.* Something sweet? You pick Sir, dealers choice.

🃏 *So many dangerous concoctions come to mind but I contain my eagerness.* Do you like cherries? *We only have scotch at this bar. I’m the only one who drinks back here. It’s a private space so I decide that if you like cherries I’ll have to throw something sweet together for you using it.*

👑 Oh I love cherry! But please nothing too strong. I’m not much of a drinker.

🃏 How about a “blood and sand”? *I start mixing it in front of you licking my metal teeth* I’ll go easy on the scotch… what was your name?

👑 Hmm interesting, that sounds delicious! *I try to concentrate on watching you mix the drink but my eyes are glued to your mouth, your tongue sneaking out makes my knees go a little weak* Oh goodness! That is so rude of me! *I extended a hand.* Malice, well.. Alice really. But Malice just sounds so much more, I don’t know? Intriguing.

🃏 Well which is it doll face? *Chuckles* Or do you have split personalities? *Licks liquor off fingers and hands you the drink.*

👑 Well it’s really up to you I guess. But Alice is just fine. *I’m staring at your mouth again as I take the glass from your hand, my fingers barely grazing yours.* Looks delicious! *I take a small sip.* And tastes even better. Thank you!

🃏 Up to me? *Chuckles* We just met and I’m already making decisions for you? You want to know what I think? I think you have very, very good manners. And that part is Alice I don’t think I’ve met Malice just yet. *Cackles*

👑 *I raise my glass to you.* That Mr. J, is a very wise observation.

🃏 So… maybe I should call you Miss Manners instead. *Picks up your hand and kisses it.*

👑 That’s sweet, but really Alice is just fine. *A giggle escapes my mouth as you kiss my hand. I hold my breath, not wanting you to let go.*

🃏 Ok Alice it is. You can call me Mr. J if you like. *Snarls as I notice a henchmen walking by.* Excuse me. It’s hard to find good help these days. *Walks over to the henchmen laughing. As he laughs back I stab him in the neck with a pen and watch as he wriggles around spurting blood onto my shirt and pants. I walk back in removing my shirt.* Sorry about that little… interruption. Now where we’re we?

👑 *I nod, mouth hanging open.* Mr. J it is then. *I swallow hard as you growl at the passing henchman. Hoping he’s not the one to blame for me wandering into your private room.* I’m not actually interrupting anything am I?? *I back up til the bar hits my back.*

🃏 Ohhhhhhhh no no no not at all! *I start wringing my shirt out over the sink.* This is going to stain! *Growls* So… Miss Alice. *Removes pants and shoes and walks to a skinny closet removing another shirt and pants.* Tell me a little bit about yourself.

👑 Oh Mr. J you need to get those clothes into cold water if you want any chance of getting those stains out! Me? Hmm what’s there to really say? *Tries desperately not to stare as you undress infront of me.* There isn’t much of any interest about me, especially compared to someone like yourself.

🃏 I find that hard to believe. *Stares at you.* Do you happen to be good with getting stains out? I must say that I try to be careful but sometimes…

👑 Well I’m honestly a bit of a home body. I love to read. I’m good with my hands. *I step up to the sink next to you.* And yeah, you need to soak those is cold water and wash them immediately or they’ll be ruined!

🃏 *Watches you as you approach the sink. My hands start to tremble as the water turns on and you submerge the clothes underneath.* Good with your hands? Please…elaborate.

👑 *I let out an honest laugh.* Well I like to make things. I enjoying cooking, fixing things. I have an eye for detail. Ofcourse there is a whole other list of things I enjoy doing with my hands, but I don’t know if I should be so bold? Atleast not just yet. *I smile up at you.* Have any kind of soap back here?? You need to treat these stains fast or they’ll set.

🃏 *My mind is spinning, you may prove useful if I can trust you. I have been needing a woman’s touch around here although I will never admit it. I have been eating take out every day for the past month. I have been throwing clothing away and holding houses of couture hostage for replacements. Now if you could do laundry that would save me having to hold designers at gunpoint* I think we have something. *Sets dish soap in front of you.* How’s that? *Leans in to watch you work.*

👑 Hmm it’ll have to work.. *I squeeze the soap onto as many of the stains as I can, working it into a good lather.* Alright, you need to let this sit for a little while then it must be washed right away. I still can’t promise the stains will come all the way out. *I can feel you leaning over my shoulder, it makes me break out in goosebumps having you so very close.*

🃏 Are you cold? *I lean in closer* You have goosebumps. *I trail my finger over your arm and smile.*

👑 No.. not at all. I’m actually rather warm. *I can feel the blush creep up my neck. Just feeling your fingers trail over my skin is burning me up.*

🃏 *I turn my head into you slightly as I notice you flush. I can see that I’m having an affect on you and it makes me snarl. I’m like a tiger with prey in my sight.*

👑 *Hearing you snarl behind me is almost more than I can handle. I feel my knees buckle and I push away from the sink to give myself a moment to breathe. I’m practically panting as I try to avoid your piercing gaze.*

🃏 Say! Since you waltzed in here like a curious kitten. How would you like to stay a while? I need someone who can prove useful to me and I don’t know why, but I like you. *Points a finger shaking it like mad and laughing. My laugh becomes a devious cackle.*

👑 *The shock must be written on my face.* You want me? To stay? Mr. J, I don’t know what to say!! *A huge grin spreads across my face, my eyes alight.*

🃏 Well… don’t just stand there woman. *Growls* Make yourself useful. *Turns back and grins.*

👑 *I jump at your command* Umm what would you like me to do sir? I’m afraid I don’t really know my way around here too well. Would you give me a tour? *I put on the puppy eyes for you, hoping it will illicit another touch from you. I’m hopeful but I don’t want to press my luck.*

🃏 *Looks at watch and then back at you.* I’m a bit short on time doll. This will have to be quick. *Grabs your wrist and pulls you into the club.* This is The Grin & Bare It, pretty self explanatory no? *Squeezes your hand a little.*

👑 *Nods, taking in all the lights and sounds. I squeeze your hand back on reflex.*

🃏 *Pulls you roughly into the back office.* This is my office. *I lean on a large heavy wooden desk.* I come here to get a full view of the club. *Points to surveillance cameras.*

👑 *You practically drag me back through the door. I step around the desk to stand next to you, the cameras are all busy with movement.* Wow, that’s a lot of people… how do you manage this whole thing? You don’t do it alone, do you?? *I lean into one of the monitors, transfixed by the dancers swaying to the music.*

🃏 *I decide I’ve got a little more time when you show interest in the operations. My ego is swelling again as you mention the management of the club and the implication that it’s difficult.* You know it’s something I just take pride in. *Leans in to look with you making an insane face.* It’s quite the operation, but I believe that good employees should be rewarded, and I get rid of my bottom 10% monthly. I make sure they get a nice… “severance package” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

👑 So, was Mr. Bloodstain in the bottom 10% this month??

🃏 Precisely - you catch on quick Alice! *Grins and points to dancer in a cage* See that? They are a handful, always getting greedy, always developing…. problematic inclinations. But they are a necessary element. They entertain the sort of characters this club attracts. Thoughts?

👑 *I eye the dancers up, I feel a pang of something in my gut. Not jealous, but envy maybe that they are able to catch your eye. Even if it’s fleeting and problematic.* They seem very popular. Definetly a nessacary evil I suppose. So Mr. J when you asked me to stay, did you mean here exclusively? And how much time do you spend on the premises?

🃏 *Stares at you intensely.* Well I don’t want to… hold you against your will. I’d like it if you became key staff, with me. Of course I understand if that doesn’t work for you.

👑 Oh no! You misunderstand me! I want to stay! I was just curious.. *I turn away, knowing I’m turning red again.* I guess I was just wondering how much time I might get to spend well, with you?

🃏 You want to spend time with me? *Grins* Well. That. Is. A. First!

👑 Well silly, you are whole reason I snuck myself back to your private bar. *I catch myself from rolling my eyes at you.*

🃏 Did you just call me… silly??

👑 Just with all those pretty girls out there, I didn’t think you’d want to spend any time with me.

🃏 *Smiles* Well… No one out there has taken blood stains out of my shirt before.

👑 *I blink a few times* Ye-yes Sir I did..

🃏 You are lucky you are so beautiful… you should see that last guy who called me silly. *Cackles and pulls out a switchblade.*

👑 I hope I’m not overstepping any lines with you Mr. J.. *I lean up onto my tiptoes.* But I find you to be incredibly beautiful.. *I give you a small kiss on the cheek.* ..in a very powerful, masculine, dangerous way of course! *I give you a wink.*

🃏 *A fire burns inside me when you kiss my cheek. It’s so hot that I roll my neck back and purr. I grab your hand and pull you to the stairs and down to the garage.*

👑 *As you drag me behind you I blurt out.* Oh god.. I’m so so sorry.. I shouldn’t have done that…

🃏 *Drags you without saying anything, walking with purpose.*

👑 *I almost try to pull away, but you turn and the look in your eyes makes me have to catch my breath, it’s feral and dangerous.*

🃏 This is my car. *Points to purple lamborghi.* Get in. *Still staring at you with my chest heaving.* Don’t make me say it twice.

👑 *I hastily climb into the passenger side and sit. I nervously buckle myself in, still so unsure of your intentions.*

🃏 *I lean over your body and check to make sure you buckled yourself in correctly and then stop to hover over you with my lips inches from yours.*

👑 *I can’t even think straight with your mouth so very close to mine, the urge to lean forward and really kiss you is so strong.*

🃏 *I pull the lap belt tight and grin.* Can’t have you falling out. *And with that I peel out.* We are headed to my humble abode so I can complete the tour you so graciously asked for.

👑 *I giggle* Well aren’t you the full service type! I like that in a man.

🃏 I think we are going to get along Alice…*Looks you up and down as I park then opens your door.*

👑 Oh I sure hope so Mr. J. *I met your hungry stare, positive that you’re seeing the same look on my face.*

🃏 *Takes your hand.*

👑 Such a gentleman..

🃏 *Smirks* Welcome to the hideout!! *Massive mansion.* I trust you have discretion?

👑 Oh of course Sir. For my eyes and ears only!

🃏 Mmmm…. indeed *I pull you up the stairs, walk in and drop my blazer onto a chaise lounge.* Are you hungry? Thirsty?

👑 You seem so very eager to get me alone Mr J. *I follow behind you as quickly as I can, trying not to trip up the large staircase.*

🃏 *Snaps at you.* What are you saying? That I’m a common pervert?

👑 Oh never! *I step very close, looking up at you.* There is nothing common about you.. *I reach out and put a shaking hand on your chest.* And I don’t believe you want me to answer that question sir. What I hunger for may shock you.

🃏 You are quite the flirt my sweet. *Clutches your hand.*

👑 Oh you have no idea my dear.. *I raise our clasped hands and place a kiss on your ring.* So you going to show me more of this extravagant home of yours??

🃏 *Hands shaking as you kiss my ring. I want to devour you.* What would you like to see first doll?

👑 You alright Mr J?? You’re shaking a bit..

🃏 How about the living room?

👑 *I think for a moment.* Honestly? The kitchen! I live for those huge old fashion kitchens. I bet yours has every bell and whistle available!

🃏 *Thinks ‘holy shit I hit the jackpot’ and gets excited. I practically carry you into the kitchen.* I haven’t spent any time in here but I think you might like it? *It has every appliance you can think of. I open the fridge and pull out a pie.*

👑 *I’m practically drooling.. it’s honestly embarrassing.* Do you have a butler’s pantry?? *I’m way to excited.*

🃏 Want a piece? Sure - it’s over there. *Points*

👑 Mm what kind is it??

🃏 Blueberry.

👑 *I’m barely paying you any mind as I enter the pantry.* I could do so much with a kitchen like this. I swear it’s bigger than my first apartment!

🃏 *Has a bit of blueberry on my lip.* Great - consider this part of your domain. Don’t burn anything, I hate the smell of burnt anything. *Makes a sour face.*

👑 *I peek my head back out of the doorway* Blueberry? That sounds delicious! Oh.. Sir you seem to have a bit on your lip. *I run my thumb over your bottom lip before licking it clean.* Yup. Definetly delicious.

🃏 *Flinches at first when you touch my lip.* Let me have another taste. *Grabs your thumb and sucks on it.* That is quite good. Think you might like to bake in here?

👑 *I can barely surpress the moan that threatens to escape my throat* What..? *My brain went foggy feeling your lips on my thumb.* Oh yes baking! Absolutely! I could do so much with this kitchen!

🃏 Here… *Hands you a frilly apron.* You should wear this when you are in here. It’s for show. I don’t cook! *Laughs* Except barbecue, that I can do. *Winks*

👑 Heh! For you? Sure I’ll wear it! *I mumble.* ..and I’d very much like to kiss the cook…

🃏 What was that doll?

👑 Huh? Oh nothing.. *I shake my head* How about the slice of pie? I am pretty hungry.

🃏 *Cuts you a slice and passes it to you, then watches as you eat it.*

👑 Hmm Mr. J… Where do you keep your forks? Hah I don’t want to make a mess, you know blueberries stain just as bad as blood!

🃏 You can make a mess if you want. *Grins* They are over there. *Points to drawer.* Wait don’t open that one. The other one.

👑 Oh really? *I drag my finger through the dark purple filling.*Whose gonna clean up that mess? Huh? *I lick my finger clean, then grab two forks from the drawer* You gonna help me eat this?

🃏 *Grabs a fork and eats right out of the middle. I grab you suddenly and then put you up on the counter. I grab pie and smear it on your shirt.* You should take that off before it stains. *Stares at you.*

👑 *I stare at you, dumbfounded.* Well fair is fair.. I’d hate to see you ruin two shirts tonight. But oh well! *Grabs a handful of pie and swears it across your jaw and down your chest.* Looks like you have to take off yours too! *Pulls my top off revealing a dark purple lace bra.* Your move clown..

🃏 Careful Alice. *Looks down at your bra.* That is my absolute favorite color.

👑 Careful what sir? *I use my discarded shirt to wipe a bit of pie off your nose.*

🃏 Careful calling me names. You can call me Mr. J or something more comfortable once I get to know you better. *Takes off shirt letting it drop to the floor.*

👑 I’m sorry Mr. J. It won’t happen again. *I stare unashamedly at your exposed chest.*

🃏 See something of interest?

👑 Hmm yes sir. You. You look good enough to eat. *I bite my bottom lip as I look down your pale muscular body.*

🃏 *I pull your hand to my body and exhale.* So eat if you’re hungry. *Smirks and starts biting the pad of flesh between your wrist and thumb.*

👑 *I use my other hand to pull you closer to me, your body is flush with the counter between my open thighs.* Sir!! That tickles!! *I try to pull my wrist away, but you’ve got me in a death grip.*

🃏 *I dip down and start nibbling your neck.*

👑 Oh god.. *I wrap my hand in your hair and pull you back til we are face to face agian. Panting, I whisper* Mr. J… please, please kiss me…

🃏 *I chuckle.* So very eager Alice, yet so very very polite.

👑 Oh you have no idea…

🃏 *Grabs you by the back of the neck and kisses you.*

👑 *I melt into your kiss, my body feels like jello as your lips move against mine.*

🃏 *I pull back and put my finger under your chin. I kiss the side of your face and your chin.*

👑 *I’m gasping for air as your lips gently brush my skin.* Oh.. oh Mr. J…

🃏 Take a deep breath Alice. *Chuckles*

👑 *I let out a slow exhale and laugh.* Sorry.. I just can’t help it. You do something to me, I can’t think straight when you’re this close to me.

🃏 *Pours you a glass of water.* Drink.

👑 *Takes a small sip.* Thank you. Again, I’m sorry. I just got a little over excited.

🃏 So…. Tell me, did you put that bra on just for me? *Snaps your bra strap.*

👑 That is a very likely possibility. *I jump as you snap my strap.* And you know Mr. J.. this bra is part of a matching set.

🃏 Show me, I want to see those pretty little purple panties.

👑 Oh my Sir.. that is a bold request. *I push you back slightly and hop down from the counter.* You want me to put on a little show for you?

🃏 *Pulls a chair up sitting in it backwards.* Do it *Heavy breathing*

👑 *I take a deep breath.* What have I gotten myself into.. *I mutter mostly to myself. I run my hands down my chest, pausing to brush my finger tips over my hard nipples, the purple lace not leaving much to the imagination. I slowly pop the button on my tight black jeans, with shaky hands I lower the zipper.* Tell me what you want to see Mr. J.. I need to hear you say it.

🃏 *I growl as I watch you touch yourself.* Put on a show for Daddy J. Let’s see those panties.

👑 *I lean forward, resting my arms on the top of the chair your sitting on, I’m almost nose to nose with you.* You wanna be my Daddy, Mr. J?? *I kiss the tip of your nose.*

🃏 *I use my cane to hold you in place* Little fucking tease… *I’m hard now as you hover over me.* I think you need a daddy, don’t you?

👑 *I pull away and stand back up.* Only if you promise to be my Daddy. I wouldn’t want anyone else. *With very calculated moves I inch the tight jeans down my hips, once they are to about my knees I turn away from you and bend over at the waist. I make sure to give you a nice view of my lace clad behind. I wiggle my hips as I stand back up, kicking the jeans off my feet.* Well now what Mr. J?? You seem to have me at a disadvantage in the clothing department.

🃏 *I stand up and make an effort to look at every single inch of you.* Since you asked so nicely. *Removes pants, socks and shoes throwing them over my shoulder as I stare at you. I’m standing in my emerald green silk Gucci boxers.* Miss Malice… it’s so nice to finally meet you.

👑 Mmm well aren’t we quite the matching set? I’d have guessed that was your favorite color.

🃏 *I’m all over you in an instant inhaling the scent of your hair and skin.*

👑 *I wrap my arms around your slender waist.* Oh god.. you feel so good against my body…

🃏 *I start sucking on your neck softly.*

👑 *My nails dig into the flesh on your hips.* Oh fuck Mr. J.. please.. I need you. *I moan openly as your mouth goes to work at my neck.*

🃏 *I suddenly pull back away from you.* I want to know how many times you have thought about this very moment. With my mouth on you, my body pressed up against you, in your pretty bra and panties *I snarl and grab my erection.* How many times did you touch yourself thinking about it?

👑 I’m almost embarrassed to answer that.. *I giggle at the thought.* I’ve thought about your body on mine for so very long. I’ve even dreamt about it. *I run my fingertips along the edge of my panties.* You like the idea of me touching myself while I think about you??

🃏 *I grab a pair of kitchen sheers and walk toward you. I press my cock onto you looking down as it touches the crotch of your panties and then I look up at you and snip both sides of the panties salivating as they fall away from you.* It’s my favorite idea right now.

👑 *I reach forward and run my hand ever so slightly over the obvious bulge in your boxers.* May I touch you sir?

🃏 *I purr and push forward.* Yes you may. Yes you fucking may.

👑 *I run my palm over your hard cock.* I’ve thought about touching you like this so many times Mr. J But it’s so much better than I could have ever imagined. *With my free hand I run a finger along my wet needy pussy, when I pull my hand up between us it glistens in the light with my juices.* If you would care for a taste sir, *I lean in so very close to your ear.* ..then I suggest you show me some more of this beautiful home of yours. Preferably a room with a bed.

🃏 Teasing me again Alice? *I pull your hand towards my mouth and pop your fingers into my mouth* Mmmmm…. My little baker dangling the icing in front of me? *Scoops you up over my shoulder abruptly and carries you up a long spiral staircase up to the master bedroom.*

👑 Oh Mr. J.. I live to tease you. *As you carry me up the stairs I take the opportunity to get an eye full of your tight muscled ass as I hang upside-down over your shoulder.*

[linhkcao]

The moment I realize I can move on

As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.

I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.

Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...

I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.

Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.

The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!

I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...

Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.

But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.

The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.

I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.

I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.

For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.

This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.

I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.

Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.

I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.

[midgetmeredith]

hi~ i read your about page where you said you might write up your reasons for not liking some ft ships like the whole debate with fraxus/miraxus & chendy/rowen but i couldn't find anything on it on your blog so i wondered what were your thoughts on that? i know there's fandom arguments about homophobia and crackshipping there too. i’m a multishipper but i really like your anti posts for naruto so i thought if you had any ft ones then they might be as good! �

Thank you! I’m really glad youthat like my Naruto posts. They’re pretty controversial, so nice commentsare always appreciated! 😅 Dude, I haven’t updatedby ‘about’ page in months, so doing that write-up completely passedmy mind… Thanks for being interested though! I guess I’ll spill:

Right, this might be quitecontroversial, so remember that any opinions expressed are just personalpreferences/reasons, okay? ⚠️

Like I said on my page, “Ihave a ‘manga > anime’ complex thanks to Studio Pierrot, so I only readFT. I wanted to avoid filler brainwashing, bias and only know of canon withthis series, after the mess with Naruto…” Therefore, I only really ship thatwhich I believe is substantially depicted/suggested in canon, and kind of havea bit of a pet peeve for anything outside of that.[ #1 justificationdisclaimer! ]

( 1 ) Mir/axus [ &Fraxus ]

So I was genuinelysurprised that Mir/axus was even a thing when I started searching the fandom’s tag, onceI’d caught up. I don’t know if they’ve been implied in filler, but theywere non-existent as a romantic pair in the manga. Honestly, theyhardly had any on-panel interaction… Like, the only evidence that came tomind for “logical” reasoning behind them was chapter 380’s cover art.(Maybe 329’s, at a push.) I even tried to find somesupposed “moments” under their Wikia page, but that listed was merelyscarce interaction with no romantic subtext; each synopsis was pretty muchgrasping for straws.

Here’s the thing –you mentioned the fandom discourse of “homophobic” accusations,right? Now, I too hate when shippers (in any fandom) cry that simplybecause others don’t ship a queer pairing. Like, c’mon. But, inthis case (and Wendy’s), I must admit that I do find it somewhatrelevant… Idk if this ship’s popularity (and, more so, acceptance alongsidethe actual semi-canon pairs) is because most have been influenced byexternal material or if it’s just because there’s no other member of the opposite sex that they’re paired with, but Fraxus was actually suggested in canon; emphaticallyfrom Freed’s point of view! Even on Laxus’ side, numerous chapters have moments that – here’s the thing – anyone would undeniablyaccept if either Freed or Laxus were female*.

[ My earlier volumes are enclosed in my bookcase, but I have 49 – 57 (Avatar – Alvarez) on-hand beside my bed, so I skimmed through to find (max.) five pages to evidence Laxus’ P.O.V. ‘cause this post will already be long enough. ]

Chapter 416: “At this rate, I won’t be able to protect what’s important to me.”

It’s also worth noting that the official tankōbon/volume translation of this reads: “I’m not strong enough to protect the people I love yet.”

Chapter 460.

Chapter 462: “But that ain’t important now. All I’ve got on my mind… Is bringing the pain to the bastard who took out Freed and the others.”

Chapter 472: “So you’re the one who did a number on Freed and the others?”

Chapter 473: “Thanks a lot, Freed… There’s no wizard that could break your spells…”

*That’s the key consideration – that if you were to replace either’s gender for that of the opposite sex, it changes how these scenes are perceived. These panels, for example, are dismissed by those who oppose Fraxus, but they would be regarded as “ship moments” and a validation of Laxus’ affection if you were to replace Freed’s name in the dialogue and/or presence in the panels with a female (Mira)!

That’s why I can kind ofunderstand these claims, ’cause the existence and general fandomacceptance of these ships is very heteronormative in that respect (i.e.ignoring present queer pairings for heterosexual ‘crack-ships’) which makes it kind of discriminatory; reminiscent of homophobia perhaps. Although, I agree that term is a little extreme, as it doesn’t seem intentionally prejudiced. And whilst Freed is emphatically portrayed as queer, Laxus’ sexualityis a little more implicit, yet he is assumed straight by default… It’sironic/hypocritical because the majority of ships across all fandoms are typically founded upon onecharacter’s feelings, whilst neither Mira nor Laxus have shown said romanticinterest in each-other.

( 2 ) Ro/Wen [ &Chendy ]

Again, I hate Ro/Wen dueto a similar reasoning. Finding out that they even existed as a ship wasbaffling, tbh! I mean, at least Mir/axus had the cover as some rationale,but Ro/Wen is based solely on them being the same age… Talk aboutheteronormative? Also, technically, that’s an incorrect claim, due to the sevenyear time-skip in which she remained frozen. Like, she’s actually thesame age as Sting & Rogue. But you don’t find her forced with them. Why,because they’re older and that’s frowned upon? You know, despite the samepremise applying to Ro/Wen; since Romeo was half Wendy’s age when she wasintroduced (6 & 12).

The ship can’t even besupported with evidence, since they had no significant canoninteraction until the Alvarez Arc. Their only other contact was in an omake.Yet their age difference is evident in both; dismissing any reach atromantic subtext. In the omake, Romeo refers to Wendy as “nee[-chan]”.Similarly, she is presented comforting him like a child in their limited Alvarez panels, with him lookingup to her as that same sister figure. I have seen some of these shippers disregard Chendy asbeing “platonic”, when Romeo and Wendy’s dynamic isactually – canonically and strictly – such.

Chendy, however, do have asubstantial, visibly and literally present, mutual bond. They have extensive,plentiful interaction, as well as actually present romanticsubtext… I know that it may be difficult for (I guess) anyone outside of theLGBT+ community or a truly ‘open’ one to understand, due to ourheteronormative society – as Chendy are often disregarded as “justfriends” (🙄) – but many of theirmoments transcend platonic affection and bear intense likeness to theother romantic pairs’ depictions. For example, they are also featuredalongside the semi-canon couples in art-work, like Mashima’s couple sketches onTwitter.

Not to mention thatfriendship is the foundation of any healthy, romantic relationship! Of coursethey’re going to be best friends before engaging in such, particularly in thecase of same-sex pairs. Yet no-one uses this dialogue (of labellingeach-other as “friends”) against NaLu, despite them stating the otheras that same description on numerous occasions. But despite the justification mentioned above,Chendy are still dismissed. Again, if either were the male, it would be a completely different situation… I mean, since people shipcharacters based solely on covers and all – chapter 421’s cover (amongothers)?

Summary:

Obviously there’s nothingwrong with crack-shipping! And, no, not liking a queer pair [more than astraight one] doesn’t make you “homophobic”. But – in the case ofFraxus 🆚 Mir/axus& Chendy 🆚 Ro/Wen –I think that there is something kind of messed up with arrogantly defying acharacter’s canon depicted/suggested sexuality and/or romantic interest(s).There is something somewhat discriminatory about disregarding theirother prevalent, significant and actually developed bonds, to the extent that someone’sheteronormativity is so severe that they substitute a same-sex character foran irrelevant one of the opposite sex, who does not even have decentinteraction with the character in question; fabricated entirely from theridiculous, inaccurate [R/W] rationale of them being “the same age” or merelysharing a chapter cover.

That sounds much harsherthan I intended, I’m so sorry! Btw, I don’t blame shippers –everyone is (obviously) allowed to ship what they want! What’s stated above issimply why I’m against Mir/axus and Ro/Wen, especially as an avidsupporter of the LGBTQ+ community, a bisexual myself and a university scholar who has studied/written about this field.

[ I’ve updated by ‘about’ page now too, btw! ]

[noregretsjust-love]

Are you saying the school counselor in 13rw was unrealistic because you have a doctorate in psychology? You do know that there are different people with varying experiences so you can't speak for all of them. Also Wikipedia says that 25-30% leave a note, "50% in certain demographics". And why couldn't Hannah be in that ""5%""? All in all these don't really make the show that unrealistic. Sorry if this comes across rude that's not my intention!

I decided if I wanted to answer this privately or publicly, but I decided publicly in case I get similar questions. So I am putting my response in a “read more” tab, as it includes spoilers.

No, I am not saying that. I am saying he is a false representation of the field of psychology/counseling. To be a school psychologist or counselor you have to AT MINUMN have a master’s degree. He states to Clay that Hannah never told him that she was suicidal. Although she didn’t explicitly state it, she gave enough indirect indications that warranted a suicide assessment, which he failed to do. He also victim blamed her when “assessing” for trauma, including asking her things like “did you do something you regret?” and “was there drinking involved.” That is not an accurate representation of how a psychologist, counselor, social worker, etc. would conduct a trauma assessment. Further, he provided Clay with false information about the limits of confidentiality when Clay asked “If I told you I was going to kill myself you couldn’t tell anyone?” He responded by saying he could tell his parents so he gets the help he needs, or something like that. As Clay is a minor, his parents already have access to anything that is discussed. In a situation like that, not only would he have to tell his parents, if he had a plan and intent he would also have to contact the ER, mobile crisis, or something of that nature. Just because there are different people with different experiences, doesn’t mean at the core we are all not taught similar things. Everyone in the mental health field should be trained in how to do suicide and trauma assessments. Everyone in the mental health field has a code of ethics which includes limits of confidentiality (suicide is always one of them). So although we don’t know Mr. Porter’s education, he completely missed the mark in portraying how the conversation with Hannah should have been handled. Further, as she was a minor, even if he failed to assess all of those things, it would have been completely appropriate for him to contact her parents and raise concerns, even without having knowledge of what the specific concerns were. So with that being said, Mr. Porter was a very unrealistic representation of a well-trained school counselor. Now he accurately portrayed someone in that had no idea what he was doing; however, I have significant concerns that people watching will fear reaching out to a school counselor due to Mr. Porter’s clear neglect and insensitivity about Hannah’s situation. As for the suicide note, in the suicide literature different studies (not one study cited in Wikepedia) have found a great variation of percentage of suicide notes left, ranging from 3-42%. 5% was the number I learned when first taking a course on suicide, which at this point was about 7 years ago. I will admit that I didn’t look through the most recent literature; however, I just did a quick review and although the numbers vary, the majority of recent studies I have found say about 15%. Hannah could definitely be in the now 15%, its not that part that is unrealistic. The part that is unrealistic is leaving people with the sense that if they lose someone to suicide they will have a clear understanding why the person did what they did, because whether it is 5, 15, or 30% of people who leave a note, the majority still don’t. Further, the content of her “note” was also unrealistic. A 2014 study found that among 65 suicide notes, all included content of expressions of love, positive construction of partner and apologies. Further themes included escape, lack of self-acceptance, self-blame. More general, decades of research on notes consistently finds themes of psychological pain, a need to escape, and a narrowing of options. Moreover, the majority of suicide notes are actually positive or neutral in content, with only about a quarter indicating self hostility OR hostility towards the outside world. With the exception of Clay, which did include an apology, all of Hannah’s tapes were with the intention to make other people feel guilty and blame them for her cause of death; at least that is the sense I got. Yes, Hannah can always be the exception or be in the minority of people; however, based on decades of research, if a note were in fact to be left (and I honestly have no idea if there is even research on suicide tapes/videos) it is highly unlikely that the content of that note would be as pointed as her note was. Yes, we don’t exist in a vacuum and yes, other people’s actions do play a role in suicide, but it is extremely unlikely that the entire (or large majority) of the note left would be to make others feel bad for what they did, as people who die by suicide tend to blame themselves for things; whereas individuals who engage in homicidal acts tend to blame others, and Hannah definitely blamed others.

[citycfangels]

text: charlie ⇄ raquel

Charlie: [http://68.media.tumblr.com/7dbebb4db2fe718f37b048eca14ded61/tumblr_onquqxCphs1va2efko1_500.jpg]

Charlie: here you have a post-work out good morning pic. you're welcome

Raquel: so really I get pictures just because now?

Raquel: is that your way of saying you miss me?

Charlie: i thought you'd appreciate seeing my abs after a work out session first thing in the morning

Raquel: I do appreciate it. It's like a really nice wake up call.

Raquel: Now you just have me thinking about you and post workout mode. Taking a long shower, water dripping off your muscles, you walking around in just a towel. You sending that picture was just an evil plan to get me to think about you.

Charlie: i'm an evil mastermind who wants to get you hot and bothered all the time. you caught me, babe

Charlie: how are you, besides awake and slightly horny?

Raquel: how had I not picked up on that sooner?

Raquel: I'm good. Great actually. Without you in bed with me I actually get some sleep 😜

Charlie: ooooh, it seems not having me in bed is almost as good as having me in there. nice to know you're well rested

Raquel: almost being the most important part of that sentence. I would have preferred to sleep next to you but maybe I'm just giving you enough time to miss me.

Charlie: and you needed some time to sleep and rest, and what kind of man would i be if i didn't let you rest?

Raquel: hmm technically still a good one. Especially with the ways you keep me awake.

Charlie: you have a point. if the sex wasn't that good, that's when i'd be a bad man.

Raquel: then in that case you're the best man I've ever met.

Charlie: you're good at boosting my ego in the morning, babe

Charlie: thanks, btw.

Raquel: well isn't that supposed to be a thing a girlfriend does? You know ego boost, emotional support, mind numbing orgasms. You know just to name a few.

Charlie: oh yes, that's a very girlfriend thing to do. cheerleading is also one of those too

Charlie: what are you doing now?

Raquel: and that's where you got an expert in cheerleading.

Raquel: besides texting you, I'm texting Casey because we're thinking of going out tonight. I'm still giving you time to miss me and time to be alone.

Charlie: my own personal cheerleader.

Charlie: oh good, go out with me. i have to work tonight anyways, but i think it'll be you the one missing me.

Charlie: i think you saw this question coming, but are you barely dressed by any chance?

Raquel: yup ready to bend, cheer and wear the skimpiest of outfits all for your benefit.

Raquel: me miss you? No chance.

Raquel: hmmm maybe.

Charlie: now you have to wear an uniform for me someday just because you said that

Charlie: no? well, i'm offended

Charlie: that's your answer? because my imagination is running wild right now

Raquel: You get me the uniform and I'll do whatever you want. I can show you just how flexible I really can be.

Raquel: Nope. I won't miss you at all.

Raquel: well

Raquel: [ http://68.media.tumblr.com/95bd42cd527dc67bb26bb91c59b300a1/tumblr_nur5ygPw5Z1upy1qao1_500.jpg ]

Raquel: just to stop your imagination from going too wild. Too bad you can't come over because you'd distract me from getting ready to go out.

Charlie: got it. i'm not sure where to get one for kinky purposes, but i'll figure it out. i hope they sell any at the sex shop

Charlie: boo you

Charlie: have i told you today how fucking hot you are, babe? because you look so fuckable in that pic

Charlie: i guess i have my hand to take care of myself today, but we'll make up for it tomorrow

Raquel: it really is too bad that I don't have my old one. They probably have on online or something. Unless you specifically want to wait for halloween then you'd have plenty to choose from.

Raquel: you hadn't said it but it is sort of implied. I don't think you'd be with me if I didn't at least try to be as hot as you are.

Raquel: oh so you just automatically think you get to claim me for tomorrow?

Charlie: i don't think i want to wait until halloween so i'll look for it

Charlie: being hot is a plus, but i'd be with you if you weren't

Charlie: do you have any plans for tomorrow? i had to try

Raquel: someone's impatient. You only would have had to wait four months. It's not like I'm going anywhere.

Raquel: so even if I let myself go you'd still be with me?

Raquel: I might have dinner plans with someone I don't want to have dinner plans with. Do you want to come over tomorrow during the day?

Charlie: four months to see you in a cheerleader uniform are four months. of course i'm impatient

Charlie: yes, i would.

Charlie: sure, i could use a different place to be. who are you having dinner with?

Raquel: fine then I can probably find one in a couple of days

Raquel: part of me is tempted to let myself go just to see if you would but then again that would be pointless.

Raquel: no one important.

Charlie: good

Charlie: i would still be with you, although you're perfect the way you are

Charlie: okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to

Raquel: it's thank to all the kale I eat lol 😜

Raquel: I'd just rather not think about it until tomorrow night. Just spend the day with me.

Charlie: i thought you hated kale

Charlie: okay, babe. we'll do whatever you want to make you not think about it. i can be there in the morning or whenever you want

Raquel: that doesn't mean you aren't supposed to have it.

Raquel: well chances are I'll be hungover so unless you want to end up with hungover me all night I think the morning is your best bet.

Charlie: still, it's gross babe. i don't know how that can be healthy

Charlie: then i'll bring you something for breakfast to help you, just tell me what you want. and then a bath or whatever you want to do after breakfast

Raquel: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4408/Top-10-Health-Benefits-of-Eating-Kale.html

Raquel: see it's good for you. You aren't supposed to eat it like in a salad. You can have it in like a smoothie or something. You won't even taste it.

Raquel: you are literally the best boyfriend ever. Where did they make you because you are like way too perfect.

Charlie: eh, i'll think about it. i'm not too much into these diets, but i'll give it a shot at some point

Charlie: in the backseat of a car in a rainy night, babe

Raquel: you can always have some of mine.

Raquel: well shoutout to your parents for knowing how to take advantage of mood setting.

Raquel: and you know the whole raising you to be the man you are now thing.

Charlie: all i know is that they were lost in a roadtrip and they couldn't wait to get into a motel room to fuck, so

Charlie: i hope you get to tell them that someday

Raquel: sort of sounds like something we'd do. You know if we ever took a road trip.

Raquel: you want me to meet your parents?

Charlie: yeah, i can see it happening. sex in the backseat of a car and then in a motel room. so fucking nice

Charlie: not now, but if you ever want to go to canada like you've told me i guess you'll end up meeting them

Charlie: you know, when things are more serious.

Raquel: jacuzzi sex. Putting up do not disturb signs and ordering room service.

Raquel: I do want to go to Canada. I want to see where you grew up.

Raquel: I'd go anywhere with you and if that means I get to thank the people who gave me the man I am crazy about then yes. I'll go whenever things get more serious.

Charlie: i've never had jacuzzi sex, so it'd be the first time for me

Charlie: okay. we can't go now, but we'll go there someday, i promise.

Charlie: you know that things getting more serious would mean making this official, right? once you break things off with Nathan and shit

Raquel: you and me both but it has been on my bucketlist.

Raquel: then that definitely means I need to have my passport in order.

Charlie: it's a nice thing to have in our bucketlist

Charlie: you should get it in order, just in case we make that trip soon

Raquel: oh there are plenty of other things like it on that list.

Raquel: well with expediting a passport it only takes a month. Unless you're planning on getting really serious really fast.

Charlie: what's on your list? i'm curious

Charlie: nah, not that soon, but it's good to have it in order

Raquel: mile high club, on a beach but not in the sand more like on those bed hammocks they have in like cabo or something. There are more but those are just to get started.

Raquel: you're right. I'm just surprised I hadn't gotten my passport sooner.

Raquel: then again I didn't really have a reason to travel outside of the us before.

Charlie: you want to fuck in a plane? we'll fuck in a plane then. and those hammocks seems good places to have sex in

Charlie: now you have a good reason

Raquel: who doesn't want to have sex on a plane? Well except for like southwest planes where its like being trapped in a tiny linen closet.

Raquel: yeah, and honestly there isn't anyone else I'd want to travel with.

Charlie: i never thought of it until now, but that sounds hot and exciting

Raquel: really? Never? Not even when you had like a hot flight attendant on your plane?

Charlie: not really. i didn't pay a lot of attention to them when i flew here. they weren't that hot, tbh

Raquel: that's a little disappointing. You got like the wrong first impression of what the u.s should be like.

Raquel: we never really talked about it hut why did you come to the states, not that there's any complaints from me.

Charlie: yeah, i was disappointed in that plane. i was hoping they had long legs to stare at whenever they walked by

Charlie: the beach, the weather and more possibilities of working at something that doesn't require wearing at least three layers of clothes everyday

Raquel: damn you whatever airline for crushing my baby's dreams. But if I'm going to be looking at a girl legs isn't what I would be looking at.

Raquel: well thank you for wanting to escape colder weather. If not we wouldn't have met.

Charlie: hey, legs are a good physical quality to look at on a girl. legs and ass, particularly. you can't blame me.

Charlie: at least that makes bartending easier, don't you think?

Raquel: and if I were looking for a girl I'd probably look for chest more than ass.

Raquel: it does a bit. Or at least you know people aren't just drinking to stay warm.

Charlie: two more amazing qualities to look at, but you have to start somewhere, right?

Charlie: well, that could be happening if i was working in a coffee shop, but being a bartender is cooler, i think

Charlie: plus i don't want too many people benefiting from my coffee.

Raquel: i guess you do have a point that you should start from the bottom up, and lucky for you I have all three.

Raquel: no, coffee is only for me. No one else can know I have my personal barista

Charlie: you have three very good attributes and i'm so lucky i can see them very often

Charlie: i meant that, silly. i'm not making coffee for anyone else, so you're a lucky one

Raquel: just not tonight. If I drunk text you you should know that I dont mean like much of it.

Raquel: no take backs and it's forever so too bad.

Charlie: i'll keep that in mind. i'd like to see the drunk raquel in you though

Charlie: i won't take it back, you'll be the only one to taste my coffee

Raquel: you've seen me drunk before. Well maybe tipsy.

Raquel: 😘

Charlie: you were the cute drunk at that new year's eve party, i kinda loved it

Raquel: but I thought you didn't do clingy?

Charlie: depends on the person.

Charlie: i wouldn't do clingy with candice bc it was just sex, but with you? it's not only sex. i don't really mind it bc clingy isn't the only thing that describes you and i really like you

Raquel: I really like you too.

Raquel: (an hour later) they keep playing crying in the club and i don't get it because no one is crying in the club. Well maybe in the bathroom but does the dj see something I don't? I'm confused.

Charlie: :)

Charlie: they should have chosen another song. there are better ones anyways

Raquel: or

Raquel: or

Raquel: he is like one of those alien people who can see things regular humans can't and he sees people crying. He does seem like a nice dj so maybe he is like here is this song to cheer you up.

Raquel: hopefully he isnt like the aliens in signs. But it's not like there is a lot of water around here anyways.

Charlie: aliens?

Charlie: okay, how drunk are you?

Raquel: yes aliens

Raquel: they're real. Like so real

Raquel: I dont know how to answer that

Charlie: how real do you think they are? would you like to meet any?

Raquel: they're so real!

Raquel: babe, listen.

Raquel: like we can't be the only people in the universe. Like we just cant so the only answer is aliens. Thats the only way.

Raquel: if theyre nice then sure but if they like want to take o we the world and like listen to donald trump or something then no.

Charlie: okay, you may have a point. they can be out there in the universe, it makes sense

Charlie: maybe they're nice to us and they can take donald trump. that would be nice

Raquel: then they would be true mvps and we wouldnt be mad at them for taking all of our water for their spaceships.

Raquel instagram post: https://78.media.tumblr.com/7e58412d60dbd342aad477a015ac0bf0/tumblr_oriui9KiIT1w7ltgxo1_500.jpg Quellersmal #ootd just because it took Casey forever to get ready #latergram

Charlie: whoa there, all of it?

Raquel: yup. All of it.no more water for us. Only tequila shots.

Charlie: but what about the plants? wouldn't they die?

Raquel: babe. I just said we would have no more water and only tequila and you are worried about the plans? Worry about me. What am I going to do? I would be hungover forever.

Raquel: the plants can get rain water but me? I cant.

Charlie: of course i'm worried about you, but the plants deserve water too.

Charlie: well, i hope they leave a bit of water for us at least

Raquel: okay true I shouldn't be thinking just about myself.

Raquel: maybe if we ask them nicely. They'd already be doing us a huge favor by taking a demon away from us so we probably shouldn't push it

Charlie: tru

Charlie: how's your night going? are you having fun?

Raquel: so mch fun so much drinks.

Raquel: and casey smels like marshamlws

Raquel: maybe nit marshmellows but somethmg sweet and its like i want to eat her.

Raquel: and i have like fice new friends

Charlie: i wish i was there, babe. i bet it's better than working

Charlie: does she? i bet she does

Charlie: that's good, babe. remind them you're taken tho

Raquel: maybe we shoud go there

Raquel: butt then i still wouldnt be able to liss you be ause youre not ssupposed to make out with your bartender or at least thats what people tell me

Raquel: mhmm I told them that at one poknt i has 2 bfs but now i only really have one and that i love him even if i just lied and just said like really like but really he should know that i mean love.

Charlie: ... how drunk are you?

Raquel: im not drink

Raquel: dunk

Raquel: denk

Raquel: okay i am

Charlie: okay

Charlie: shit, i have to go. break is over and i have to go back to work

Charlie: i will see you tomorrow at your place. i'll bring breakfast with me, babe

Raquel: :(

Raquel: kay bye

Raquel: 😘😘😍💋💋💋💋