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bridgyrose · 1 year

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Yandere! Cinder has an obsession for Ruby and preys on people who have a crush on her,meanwhile Ruby grows suspicious of why some people close to her keep disappearing.

Cinder finally confesses her feelings to her in a emotional breakdown,Ruby's always been lowkey attracted to her,but feels a bit overwhelmed by her displays of affection

“Cinder? Whats going on?” Ruby asked as she slowly made her way into Cinder’s dorm. For months, a few of her closer friends had started to get sent to the hospital or pulled away from her, leaving her alone as the school year went by. “You made everything sound urgent.”

Cinder smiled at Ruby from her bed as she continued to sew. “I just wanted to make sure that you were okay and that the rumors about you werent causing you any issues.”

“The… rumors about me?”

“About how those that get close to you seem to get hurt or suffer accidents.” Cinder paused for a moment with her sewing as she watched Ruby. “You… didnt know about that, did you?”

Ruby shook her head. “N-no, I didnt. I uh… I just thought that people didnt like me. I’m not exactly the most sociable of people.”

Cinder nodded and started to go back to her sewing, grabbing some red fabric to add to the little doll she had in her hand. “You seem friendly enough to me.”

“Yeah but… I dont know, maybe I’m doing something wrong.” Ruby sat down next to Cinder and let out a heavy sigh as she leaned back. “Its one thing for Blake and Weiss to get hurt, but then for Jaune to pull away from me after a few texts no one could trace or even Pyrrha and Nora staying away from me after someone threatened them… and now I havent seen them in weeks beyond hearing they were all in the hospital for one reason or another. It feels like someone is trying to push everyone away from me.”

“Maybe its just someone’s way to let you know how they feel about you.”

“Like what? That they hate me?”

“Or… that they… love you.”

Ruby hesitated at the sound of Cinder’s voice, her tone shifting with each word, shaking and no longer smooth. “I… dont understand.”

“I… I just wanted to have you to myself,” Cinder said, voice shaking as she dropped her sewing needle and gave Ruby a smile. “I… I couldnt stand to let the others have you to themselves, so I… persuaded them to leave you. And those that couldnt, I had to push away.”

Ruby squeaked as she felt Cinder’s hand on her leg and slowly started to pull back. “I… I dont understand…”

Cinder slowly sat the doll she had been working on down onto the nightstand, arms shaking as she slowly pulled her hand away from Ruby’s leg. “I’ve loved you since I first saw you, but I saw how you looked at the others and I just wanted that for myself. And now… now that you’re alone, you have to be mine, right? You can be mine now.”

“I-I like you, but I… I cant…” Ruby stood up and started to move away from the bed, nearly tripping over her own feet as she backed up. “I need to get back to my friends and explain to them what’s going on-”

“I cant let you do that, Ruby.”

The air went cold in the room as the door slammed shut and started to ice up. Ruby’s eyes widened as she watched Cinder stand up and slowly walk to her, each step silent as a warm hand caressed her cheek. Sharp, well-kept nails, gently scratched against her cheek and her voice nowhere to be found. The hair on the back of her neck stood up and her body started to betray her as she felt her heart thump from the simple sound of Cinder’s voice whispering in her ear.

“I wont let you go now that you’re mine.” Cinder’s eyes went from a bright amber to a brilliant orange as the smile dropped from her face and she pulled her hand away from Ruby. She slowly circled around the other girl as a small spider grimm appeared from the shadows and crawled onto her shoulder. “And you wont be leaving me either.”

Ruby’s eyes started to glow for a moment, then stopped as a small, soundless breath left her lips as she felt the piercing bite from the spider. Her arms shook as her legs gave out from under her, small whimpers leaving her as the spider dug into her neck, her body unable to stop it. “C-Cinder…” she whimpered out, her voice soft and shaking.

Cinder gently stroked Ruby’s hair and lowered herself down next to her to let her lean against it. “It’ll be okay. In just a few moments, you wont remember anyone else who left you. All you have to know is that I’ll be here for you, always and forever, my little pruned rose.”

#ruby rose #rwby ruby rose #cinder fall #fallen petals #cinder x ruby #drabbles #angsty drabbles #yandere!cinder #I'll admit that this one is pretty creepy #rwby

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getallemeralds · 1 year

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i heard (from a three-month old post of yours) you have klonoa thoughts and i'm interested in hearing them (if you still have them)

even if not i still want to say i am on that klonoa hyperfixation juice and am a sucker for all of the symbolism i've found in the phantasy reverie games i swear it's so good

YES yes yes yes. i may not have been klonoaposting recently but i am ALWAYS full of thoughts and emotions about the series. most of them are incoherent. and will also be even more incoherent rn bc i am not very awake.

(this also comes with the disclaimer that i havent yet gotten to play the phantasy reverie version of lunatea's veil because i got to 5-2 in door to phantomile, went "not this shit again", and took a break and then haven't gotten around to setting my switch back up after travel. whoops)

i.. am putting this under a readmore.. because this is likely to get very long (and also discussing unreality in the context of klonoa worldbuilding)

SO THE DEAL WITH KLONOA. is mostly the continuity. it is a big ol' mess. the timeline between games doesn't make sense, characters appear and disappear at random, entire major character-shifting revelations (eg everything about huepow) get dropped, nahatomb goes from the incarnation of nightmares to Just Some Skeevy CEO in beach volleyball (and it's hilarious), it's just.. really hard to parse if you're somebody trying to link stuff together. i've seen some complaints about it, and as one of those people who likes to tie things together and will take a wrench to canon if i have to, i agreed for a while

and then when talking about klonoa to my friends, i came to a very important realization that made me sit down for a while and go "oh. yeah. of course."

everything is a dream.

like.. that's the whole premise of the series. these are all dream worlds that klonoa is being brought to and becomes part of for the duration of his stay. they're not supposed to be coherently connected, even if certain characters keep showing up. huepow is in empire of dreams despite it being probably after door to phantomile because huepow is someone important to klonoa, even if it doesn't really make sense for the overall narrative for him to be there without any explanation. same with lolo. klonoa meets someone, gets attached to them, and wants to see them again, so he does.

(you could also extrapolate this into "huepow is always in ring spirit form and the big reveal isn't addressed because klonoa doesn't want to acknowledge it", but that's a bit of a rougher subject.)

there's also potential for the idea that locations and people in door to phantomile are based off klonoa's waking life-- breezegale shows up a couple times (door to phantomile and klonoa heroes, i feel like there's another time i'm forgetting), klonoa's grandpa in dtp might be a phantomilian version of his actual grandpa, stuff like that. it would at least explain how huepow was easily able to graft klonoa into phantomile: there's already something to connect him to.

add onto that the fact that huepow says that, to phantomile, klonoa's world is a "strange dream".. huepow basically flipped klonoa's perspective, to where phantomile is the "real" breezegale and the real waking world is just a weird dream he had and forgot all the details of. which is still pretty fucked up. i do not have the energy to get fully into Huepow Thoughts but my emotions about this orb are "you did not need to do any of this and i am going to cry". this is a "huepow you really need to think more about your life choices" blog

idk there is a LOT to be done with how everything is framed and i really really want to explore that sometime. i fucking love klonoa

#leo.txt #leos reply #transmorolians #klonoa #klonoa spoilers #KLONOA GO BRRRRRRRRRRRR #leo chirps

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rearranging-deck-chairs · 2 years

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Not to randomly dump eldritch Time Lord thoughts on you, but I read the Master and Margarita story today and now I'm having Fungus Time Lord Thoughts. Like... you know how mushrooms are only the obvious fruiting bodies of a much larger network of subterranian roots and connections? Time Lords are that for the Matrix. How do you add more information to your big spooky ghost computer? Generate semi-independent sensory organs that can go out and gather data, then upload both during consciousness and once dead. How do you spread your big spooky ghost computer's influence, both obviously and in terms of memetic/Spiral Politic power? Have your sensory organs be capable of talking about it to other lesser species, capable of copying it and using it to store new things (*cough* Cybermen *cough*). Why would Time Lords need traditional reproduction when they're just genetic material being reorganized for maximum efficiency by their hyphae- I mean Matrix? And of course the productions get a little strange after a while - the Matrix is bored of the same old experiences, and the Doctor and the Master and their ilk gather so much interesting data that the backlash to the hivemind is worth it

aaaaahhhhhhhh no PLEASE always randomly dump eldritch time lord thoughts on me this is FANTASTIC. dont know what about that story sparked these thoughts but i have to go read it

i have nothing to add to this but im gonna be thinking about it it's Perfect. so in this conceptualisation of time lords and the matrix, is it like- oh the frankenstein thoughts. and like, god thoughts. did gallifreyans make the matrix and then the matrix made timelords? i mean, really simplified summary way of putting it but? did the,,, like,,, locus of, like, agency,,,,move? aaahhh im-

i dont have good thoughts about this!!!

but im thinking about memes and genes and the illusion of our individual agency (illusion might apply to 'individual' or to 'agency' im not sure) and how that sometimes seems to sorta seep down (or up?) into the collective we share and then suddenly we seem agenciless. or our agenciless becomes more pronounced. i dont know if the level of agency shifts or if only our perception of it shifts but i dont think it really matters either. i dont think it makes much of a difference because we dont disconnect from the collective. we are water in the wave when it's storm or when it's calm. we just might notice it less when it's calm. we may feel like we're just water then

and im thinking of gallifreyans building a big computer and- theyre already a collective. theyre a collective of a species and a society just like we are. but then they build a big computer and like a cybernisation that actually makes more sense if you think about it, than our current cyberpunk ideas of we modify our individual body, they modify their collective. not makes more sense but is an addition that now that ive thought it i cant believe i havent before

thank you for this thought! im sorry that i have nothing to offer you but incoherent rambling

where we have waves of both memetic and genetic information moving our water, did timelords move all of it, all of the reproduction of their species, into memetic information? we've got two, we reproduce through both, the idea of us reproduces, we're driven to make the ideas of our societies reproduce, but our physical bodies presence is also important. like to make humanity live on, we really are driven to safeguard both right? how well these projects do or do not work is not the point now but: language revitalisation, colonies on mars, "this place is not a place of honour". and for genocide you have to kill both the people and the idea of the people.

did timelords make themselves entirely ideas? their dna is in the matrix, written into time or space or something. you can kill the body but you cant kill the timelord. you can explode gallifrey but you cant erase it. division uses every species every world every moment. "i didnt even think these were real" but you did know of it. an organisation that has time travel has always had time travel, will always have time travel

#/propagation/#oh now we're woe begone posting again im sorry guys #im not even entirely sure yet i understand what that means in woe begone #bUT IT"SDEFINITELY RELATED #yes i will incessantly talk about woe begone to get you time travel nerds to please listen to woe begone #anyway rain thank you for this #sorry i just yelled at you about vaguely maybe related ideas?#got off track maybe #im very obsessed wtih the image of timelords as sensory organs #i dont have anything interesting to add but im gonna be Thinking about it #just the entire image of timelords as a fungus is phenomenal thank you for this #dont forests kinda work in a similar way?#anyway #timelord body horror #bc i dont know what else to tag it

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leopardtie · 1 month

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"sometimes missions get to me. not that theyre- hard, or anything. i’m great at them. but sometimes i cant help but wonder if i should be doing more because im great. yknow? like, i should be wearing myself thin so other people dont have to..."

it’s rare when the boy doesn't deflect his more unsavory emotions via jokes. it draws the sleep off his mind and he huffs lightly at his last comment. "you already do more than enough, satoru," he retorts. he can imagine the boy's pout, his annoyance, his stubborn refusal to believe nanami's words whenever they took a comforting tone. "if you wore yourself thin all the time, you would not be able to give it your all where it counts." his voice quickly shifts. he's less interested in talking about gojo's duties as a sorcerer than he is about his needs as a person. "and -- you deserve to rest like everybody else, no matter how exceptional you are."

he remembers getting into heated arguments with the principal on the subject, demanding that they do not overburden the boy's schedule with missions that could be effectively handled by groups of grade 1 sorcerers. they talked about efficiency and logistics, and nanami talked about gojo needing time to unwind and be a regular nineteen year old human. he lost many of those arguments, but once in a blue moon the stingy bastards on top relented, and nanami took shoko and gojo to novelty cafés full of colorful pastries and terribly sugary drinks in commemoration.

he sighs, closing his eyes, and smiles tiredly at the sound of gojo's soft breathing on the line. "for the record, i've thought about you too," he adds. he's a little more uncertain when he admits, "if there's something i can do to help you sleep, you should tell me." the low flush on his skin manifests palpably warm on his voice.

its so easily at the forefront of gojo's mind to say you could come over. regardless of distance, regardless of missions or duties or responsibilities. regardless of who they are or where they are. come over, and touch me, and dont go away for as long as we can both tolerate it.

but hes half-edged and half-asleep and half-in love w nanami's voice so he just shifts in bed a little, mindlessly runs a few fingers up his softening erection. hums to himself, scrubs a hand over his face in contemplation.

"how do you think about me?" he'd murmur, sounding shy but feeling for all the world like something possessive and nasty. "do you marvel at how handsome i am, nanami-san? how special?"

he’s idly stroking himself again now, phone flat on the pillow beside his head. "that’s what i do. i think about the first time i watched you fight. i think about you finding me bothersome and giving me detention. not because i want you to do it again, yknow, but- well you always sound really hot when youre bossing someone around. mm and i-" he lets himself moan just a little, a breathy little thing, his hand quickening. one cups at his balls a little, smooths further as he hitches a leg up and rubs circles at his own hole. "-i think about.. things you havent done, either. things i want you to do, think you should do. bet i could get you to do them... bet i could bat my eyelashes at you and win you over, isnt that right. sir? always suspected i was nanami-san's favorite student. always tried to be so good for you..."

hes not hiding anything at that point, fucking into his own fist and teasing a finger in and out of himself until it makes him buck, makes him roll over and rut into his mattress so he has a better angle to work himself open. he doesnt usually finger himself when he gets off (not unless he’s got the time for it) but sometimes he cant help the reedy wire that coils in his gut and makes every touch to his cock feel half as good as he knows his hole would be instead. hes panting and whining quietly into his pillow and he knows nanami can hear a good portion of it, but he wants to gauge the blond's reaction before he really lets go. maybe he reaches around for the spare bottle of lube he keeps near his bed and uses some to get himself nice n slick but i also picture him not fully planning on using more than a finger or two w how leaky and sensitive his cock is atop the blankets already.

he can feel the way his heart skips at the question, at its tone, the honeyed anticipation caught on the flat of his tongue. he'd had a clue about what the boy had been actually up to, it didn't take a genius to interpret the throaty, half hearted hums of acknowledgement and the muted rustles of fabric rolling off the skin. it was all pretty obvious. and far from an innocent party in the situation, nanami had been willing to entertaining it, undoubtedly deriving a subdued form of pleasure from it all. would it be so different, then, if he took on a more active role? he's already crossed so many lines with the young sorcerer, some would argue the most important ones — would another one really make it worse?

he clears his throat and blushes deeper, swallowing back a soft swear as gojo continues to ramble and confess to the depth of his crush. it vertiginously takes on a more and more desperate edge, spurred on by nanami's complicity, and the blond would be amused if the blood in his cock wasn't latching onto every single word.

he's not aware he's been idly palming it through his sweatpants until he seeks to free it from its constraints. he licks his lips and gives the half hard length a tentative stroke, and it quickly devolves to a self limiting squeeze as gojo's stray, distant pants pour over the line. "don't rush, sweetheart," he breathes into the phone. he closes his eyes, picturing it and not for the first time wishing he was actually in the boy's room, controlling everything from gojo's voice and volume to the exact pace of his greedy ministrations. "don't rush, slow down for me. take your time.." a few more strokes, the languid pumps eased with the precum gathered on the head of his cock.

"i do think about you a lot," he confesses to the dimly lit, increasingly stifling room. he pictures drawling it into the younger man's ear, rumbling it in between the certain drag of his hips with the similar sort of reverence he's exhibiting right now. "such a special boy, yes, but also just how gorgeous you are. and how even more beautiful you looked lying beneath me."

it's a visual that replays in his head constantly, to the point it makes focus nearly impossible these days. what desire he thought would eventually bleed out of his system turned, without warning, into full blown ravenous longing.

"i think about your pretty mouth, too," he continues. "about fucking it until you can hardly speak in the end—" his hand picks up a bit more of the pace, thighs parting for greater ease of movement. "about how nice i felt inside you — how fitting, how hot you were on my cock." he's hardly thinking, lulled by gojo's moans into a state of perfect carelessness. "and how much i'd like to do it again right now —"

lube is poured along the length of his cock and turns the movements slicker, louder and possibly perfectly listenable to gojos sensitive ears. he figures the boy has set the phone aside, which is why it feels infinitely less daunting when the camera shutters and he snaps a picture of his cock in his hand, his sweatpants pooled around his lower thighs. he sends it without thinking, without asking for permission, heart lodged in his throat, and tries not to not to instantly regret it as soon as it he sees it delivered.

"i want you to see it, baby," he continues, licking his lips. "i want you to know what you do to me. check your phone."

gojo splutters out a breath, fingers stilling in their current stretch of his hole as he tries to listen to nanami's words. slowing down, now of all times- will sex with the blond always feel so controlled? the boy cant say he minds it but... he rolls his hips, lets another throaty moan slip free. he cant say he minds it but that doesnt mean he wants to do it. he wants quick, blind release. wants nothing filling between the start and the stop. wants his head to stop buzzing.

but maybe thats what nanami is aiming for too, and gojo has to listen. its always listen with the older man. gojo could say typical if he had the spit in his mouth to speak. hes been rocking back onto his fingers, mindlessly fucking himself as nanami rumbles into his ear. numbed at the deep drawl of his voice, the catch in his throat around certain sounds. gojo whimpers as his knuckles brush an aching sweetness inside him and he lifts his ass higher in the air, spreads his thighs more.

theres one confusing moment where he cant decide if he wants to touch his cock as well - feels it hard and arched against his stomach, pre-cum dribbling steadily onto the mussed sheets below - before the choice is taken from him by the chiming of his phone. gojo collapses onto one shoulder, uses his free hand to check the message.

"fuck," he gasps, eyes fluttering at the heady flush that abruptly rolls through him, "fuck, i need you in me."

the greedy press of a third finger against his hole is as desperate as it is instinctual, and he whimpers when each plunge of his wrist spreads him just shy of what he needs. the churn in his stomach, whipping tendrils throughout his thighs and abdomen like licks of heat. he sits up, tries to grind his hand into the bed; whines and snaps his thighs closed at the way it almost works; almost gives him more.

a cool breath glides across the boy's warmed chest, free of his mattress, and he pinches a nipple absently.

"this is mean," gojo pouts, snatching his phone as he says it. "im trying to feel full on nothing but fingers and youre sending me this?" hes not mad, not really, but he needs nanami to know what state he has the boy in.

gojo leans back flat, spreads his thighs so easily; works himself open a few more times before snapping a picture knuckle-deep; mouth in view, a tight little o, cheeks rosy and shined against his pale complexion. the softening line of his cock peeks out of view across the plane of his stomach, but his own leaking mess is difficult to ignore. he looks like a mess. he looks like a mess already, without nanami here. gojo whines again, quickens his fingers with a plea and a sob, hits send.

"wanna be stuffed on your cock again. dont think i'll ever get over it, dont think i can; fucked me so good, nanami-san. made me a perfect sleeve, made it fit so well. god, what do i do? tell me what to do, i dont- i dont have anything here, its just me."

he sounds like an idiot, he bets. he sounds like paid whore but he cant bring himself to care. wanting what hes getting for as long as he has? it'd turn any young man into a addled fool. gojo rolls onto his stomach again - gasping and moaning at the friction against his sensitive tip - but its short lived. he lifts his hips, holds the phone close to his lips.

"look at me," gojo breathes. "look at what youre not fucking."

and he takes another picture, doesnt even bother to look. loose hole, half-hard and untouched cock, gojo face down and panting. he knows how it must look. hes living it. and close to crying, in all honesty, as a result. the boy sinks his fingers in again, so, so easily, and silently wills himself not to combust at the sorry state of his prostate.

the pictures come one shortly after the other and so he has no semblance of a break for the impact they have on him. nanami feels his cock throb in his fist, feels the drum of arousal in the marrow of his bones, his hasty pumps turned slicker and even more desperate. there's a groan at the depth of his throat when he sees the second snapshot -- it's hard to focus on anything in particular when the full image makes him feel fucking feverish, but still, he manages to zero in on a few things -- on the bitten-red lips and the soft, pretty cock and the modest, mouth-watering gape of his hole, the rim glistening with the sort of pink evenness that can only come from lube and effort.

gojo satoru is gorgeous -- always has been. he's beautiful in a way that borders on impermissible and unjust. it's only recently, however, that he has allowed himself to really sit in with that fact, and to let it affect him the way it does, seizing his gut with a hunger he doubts will ever be satiated.

"-- fuck, sweetheart," he growls. his palm squeezes at the base of his cock hard, trying to ward off an almost certain orgasm just a few more minutes. that's all he needs. just a few more minutes of this. "i'll take care of you soon, don't worry," he purrs against the receiver, closing his eyes and licking his lips at the mental visual of gojo on his stomach for him, fully open for him, ass spread and cock untouched and face pinned down against the pillow as he lets himself get fucked to his heart's content.

"just come back to me soon and i'll do it. i'll fuck you until you're sore and i won't let you heal it afterwards. i'll give you everything, baby. i'll give you whatever you want," he continues, a rushed, breathless set of admissions, and wonders if he's remotely coherent, wonders if he even should say the things he's saying, if he isn't binding himself to something that could end up being far more than he can chew. the boy is gorgeous in a way that's dangerous and he does not know much in the way of boundaries, after all.

it's something he thinks about, briefly, as all things can be thought of in the cusp of climax, and he rids himself of it with a handful of strokes that makes his balls seize and a groan rip past his lips. "give it to me, satoru," he orders, doing his best to keep his voice focused, the growl in his voice rough and decisive. "cum on your fingers for me and show me the mess you make."

theres a guttural moan that follows at the command, gojo's thoughts growing cloudy with nanami's voice thick and desperate in his ears. he can feel his cock slapping his stomach as he rocks onto his own fingers, can feel each string of precum coat his skin until the slaps are tacky and loud, slick whispers slipping through the phone over his heavy breathing.

"gonna make me cum," he whimpers, so close his stomach is churning, and yet the stretch leaves gojo yearning for something more; a tease he cant follow, cunt sloppy and loose and wanting more-

he pitches forward on one shoulder, tightens a fist around his cock and pumps full, quick, just to ease the emptiness he keeps squirming around. the boy isnt quite hard enough to do much other than milk himself into the cup of his palm but its something, a distraction, an additional heat pooling in his gut as he feels his thighs tense and shake, fingers curling deep into his prostate. once, gojo moaning and trying to arch into it, and a second time so close to being sweet that he gasps against the phone, bites his lip to stop the wet pleas sticking in his throat.

"dont-" tries the boy, weight collapsing under his own need, landing on his side as he massages the base of his cock absently, "dont even wanna cum without ur cock. ruined me da- nng, damnit, fuck-"

gojo twitches in his palm, cock leaking onto the sheets, stiffened fully under the attention. he strokes, breath heaving so hard his chest hurts...

has a fleeting, passing moment of annoyance at how useless his dick is in a time like this. he'd take it off and fuck himself with it if it meant he had any dick up his ass. but the crest of his orgasms chases off any humor that could remain in the thought and he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth with a high whine.

"cumming, oh- nanami- daddy, im cumming-" and gojo lasts just long enough to fit another finger, stretch himself with as much as he can fit and relish the ache, the protest of his hole even as he glides over his prostate and massages into it. he can hear himself distantly, loud and demanding and gone, and he can feel his cock throb as he cups his balls and presses behind them, kneading his taint; theres a thread of decency left in the boy that shrivels up at how easily he was reduced to this, though it means little to him now.

when it finally buzzes out of him, rich and heavy and thick like smoke, gojo can only swallow around the dry of his own mouth and groan. his hole twitches at the insistent stretch of his fingers, but he leaves them a moment, trying to tune into nanami's voice again. he grabs his phone as he does so, hikes his leg up to show both the splattered mess of cum and the still plugged, sore rim of his cunt.

gojo works himself open a few more times, lazy and almost unwilling to end it, before removing his fingers and sending the blond another photo, gape leaking lube. the boy looks loose enough to take nanami with nothing more than a nudge of the man's cock, and lord knows gojo would fruitlessly ride his fingers throughout the night if it meant he'd wake up stuffed, but as the messages send he keeps himself from prattling on much further...

"what a mess," he murmurs, suddenly shy at the loneliness of his room and the clear static to nanami's distant, mobile voice. "you really worked me up..."

it's cruel of him, he's sure, and completely unlike him, the way he enjoys every aspect of the boy's struggle. every whimper and shift in tone, every audible sign of strain and weakness — it all goes straight to his cock as he strokes to the same beat of gojo's growing debasement, all of which is encouraged, of course, in the consistent, persistent shape of praise and mindless dulcet words —

he thought himself above such kind of lowly obscenities for a long time. as it stands, satoru continues to teach him things about himself he hadn't thought to ask.

"good boy," he rumbles around a hazy, mean and greedy smile. "such a good, obedient little boy for me. you sound so nice right now, satoru. i could get used to this."

drunk. he's drunk on this man. dazed and reckless. his flushed cock throbs in his fist, threatening to cum any moment now, and nanami heeds it, spreading the precum beading at the surface with a seamless flick of his wrist.

there's the release soon after, gojo breaking down vocally as he finally spills over himself, and it's so rich and clear he can almost see it as it happens. nanami gives it chase, cums hot against the rough of his palm and uses it for a few more damning strokes. leaves him growling, the keen bite of pleasure digging at his heels, but it's bearable next to the nothingness of allowing the moment to die out.

at least for a few more minutes. at least. just enough for sense and rationality to make a feeble grab for the wheel.

he licks his lips at the last picture, feels a blissful sting of desire at the dewed skin (wants to lick it, get lost in it) and loosened hole (wants to fill it, wants to be the only one that enjoys it, wants to be the last one), and knows this is going to stay with him for a while and make everything infinitely more difficult for him for the upcoming days — at least until the young sorcerer returns. after all, how is he expected to focus when there's a password protected folder in his phone with things like this?

he didn't ask to know this about himself but he's learning it either way.

he takes a deep breath, willing oxygen to reach his addled neurons, and releases a quick, amused huff. "you're the one that called me." then, more warmly, dabbed with sleepiness: "i'm glad you did."

if the boy had been simply lonely, he could have found anyone (literally anyone, as there was no shortage of people who found gojo beautiful, man or woman alike) to mend it. the fact that he called, and settled for an arrangement like this? nanami wasn't one to let things go to his head, not even the most self indulgent realizations. he aimed to think clearly, but it was hard when it came to his former pupil. it was hard to think — in general — when it came to how the boy made him feel.

he bit his lip, tasted the words on his tongue. logic after such intense orgasms was not exactly his strong suit either way. he should just not try. he should simply go with what feels right.

"and i do mean it as well — i want to take care of you when you come back," he confesses. "you should wait until then."

amidst the quieting sound of gojo catching his breath, the boy tugs a pillow close and curls himself around it. his nose wrinkles and twitches at the cooling sensation of cum along his stomach and cock but it passes in a moment, replaced instead by smooth sheets and plush feathers. he feels... sore all over, and worn out, and like a subtle idiot for the way he acted.

but nanami is still there, still murmuring into the line, so gojo lets himself listen.

"i know i called you," he says gently. confessing almost, shy and sheepish and tired. "but id like if you took care of me. i think id like a lot of things with you."

the room feels larger than it did a few minutes ago, so gojo tucks a blanket loosely around his lanky frame and blinks at the light of his phone until his eyes grow heavy. he doubts he could stay up much longer, orgasm or not; everything feels like it needs to be slept on. still, the boy holds the pillow tighter against his chest and feels his heartbeat bleed through it.

"this was nice... im glad i didnt put you off. if-... if this is what you want more of, then i dont mind waiting. you should promise, if anything."

which is a subtly idiotic thing to say but the boy chooses to ignore it in favor of ignoring everything else hes revealed tonight.

nanami hums softly at the boy’s words, efficiently tending to the mess smeared over his stomach and thighs before it dries uncomfortably on his skin. part of him wants to tease gojo for this odd bout of reticence, but the other understands it far too well. knows that that is the last thing he should do. that it is simply far too precious.

“i promise, satoru,” he assures into the speaker of his phone. his orgasm has left him boneless and sated, warm underneath the covers, but it has also made him all the more aware of the pointed absence in his bed, of how lacking even this bliss feels without practical, grounding weight of another body pressed close to his own. “i’ll look forward to it every day until your return.”

he signs the boy off with a warm goodnight, and hopes that, if nothing else, he succeeded at helping him achieve a night of proper sleep.

#fragments.

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obsidianempressworld · 1 year

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I’ve always measured my pain to others disabilities. I wouldn’t say I was disabled because the government doesn’t considered it that. When I used to be able bodied.

I do feel able bodied when I have what I call a good day. When my mood shifts to mania and my stomach doesn’t hurt and I have little to no physical pain and I clean like crazy, talk to everybody, can hold conversations and feel like “myself.” But now those days are getting few and far in between. Is it an indication that I need to try harder to mitigate my symptoms? I havent been able to because I have duties elsewhere. I take care of beings that can’t take care of themselves. I have no choice. I’m stuck. Doing this makes me happy. What if I can’t do it any longer?

On the days where the pain and the fatigue and the symptoms are too much I can’t function like a normal adult. I’m cleaning today and it’s taking me hours upon hours because I keep having to rest. When on a good day it takes an hour max. Even if I’m cleaning really well an hour and 30 mins. Apart of me feels relieved that soon I will no longer have the added stress of choosing between my health and the health of another.

Another part of me is grieving the days I felt okay. And greiving that as much as I’m okay doing this when I feel okay. I’m not okay when im not okay. And I feel guilty because I feel like I could be giving them better care.

Yesterday I rested because I cleaned and took care of them so well and give them lots of attention. I try to clean every other day. Well today is my clean and caretake day beyond the regular give food and water and check ups and I’m just exhausted. I should be resting. But resting doesn’t help much at all. I did rest. I rested yesterday. But because of what I ate or something triggers a flare in me and all that rest I took doesn’t matter all of a sudden.

Not to mention I feel so fucking alone. No one understands what this is like except for the people who have it. In order to keep any sanity in my life I have to mask my symptoms and I only mask it well if what I have calling a good day.

I have to keep reminding myself that my pain isn’t normal and that I should seek more help. I don’t have health insurance and so all these doctors will do the run around. I only go to the doctors if I think something is really wrong. But it’s all been really wrong for a while now I’ve just lived with it. Every single day for years.

I really thought my stomach was supposed to hurt all the time. Because my body was used to that. It just hurts. And that’s your stasis babes 🤷🏽‍♀️

I constantly gaslight myself along with the other people doing it to me.

I’m grieving losing so much. Connections I could have had because my memory is bad, my speech is bad, I can’t hold conversations. I have to deal with this new me and people getting confused by me because when I feel okay I act differently then when I’m I’ll. I have to deal with working on healing these other things. I look young and I push through my pain. I have an invincible illness. The kind of thing older people get by societies views. So when I don’t feel great and the one time I snap because I’m in so much fucking pain even I can’t stand it( I have a super high pain threshold) I’m the asshole. On top of being a fat black female just adds another layer medically. Even if I wasn’t fat. Still so much medical ignorance.

When other people see me they tell me to rest. And hope you feel better. Rest doesn’t help as much as you think. I’m only resting because I’m pushing through a tough day where I have to pretend to be able bodied even though I can’t. Some days I can’t even pretend.

I don’t have an official diagnosis of anything and I’m not going to self diagnose. I just know that something is wrong. Because of what I was able to eat, workout and do before energy wize is completely gone. And sometimes I still can do those things if I have a “ better “ day. I forget that I even deal with what I deal with. It’s like my immune system decides when it’s going to shit out. I don’t have a say.

I don’t want to complain all day or talk about my chronic issues or pain. I dread the how are you doing/ feeling question. I answer honestly but then I feel like a downer. I feel like if I don’t mask and say I’m perfectly fine with rainbows and kisses and positivity all the time then I will be a bummer to be around. And it’s true. I would be. I just want to connect. I just want to forget. I just want to enjoy the time I have.

All the doctors have told me so far is just to lose weight and you just have seasonal allergies here’s a pill. I’m just tired. And want to try and get at the issue myself.

I need support. I need a group of people who understand and can point me in the right direction to at least get diagnosed. I’m not pretending I’m okay anymore. I’m not listening to the medical professionals or friends that downplay what I have. Or relate to it when they’re clearly able bodied all the time.

I hope I’m making sense. This is another brain fog ting I have to deal with. And I used to pride myself on writing. And singing. And using big words when I talk. The brain fog might honestly be one of the worst symptoms cause I’m used to the pain. Take care

- Shae 💚

#chronic illness #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #mold-toxicity #allergic reaction #allergic to pet dander #autoimmune #mybodyhatesme #chronic fatigue

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yesimstillemo · 2 years

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riot fest happened happened a month ago at this point, and i wrote a majority of this the weekend of but kept putting off posting it. but i still wana rant about what a mess it was especially as it pertained to mcr! heres my list of grievances. all of these are problems that were caused by riot fest, not mcr EXCEPT for one thing which ill start with:

1.riot fest should not have been mcrs one and only chicago date in my opinion. there was way too much anticipation bc theyve havent played in chicago for what, a decade (correct me if im wrong)? people also bought these tickets 2-3 years ago so there was even more anticipation because of that.

the rest of my issues have to do with riot fest and their poor planning. while this was my first 3 day music festival, it is not anywhere near my first concert/fest in general.

2. friday was packed compared to the other 2 days and MANY people were coming just to see mcr, they really shouldve limited friday tickets selling more than they did bc there were just too many people to even try to control. even when i was waiting to enter at the beginning of the day, pretty much 50% of people were wearing mcr shirts, which just goes to show how many people were coming in anticipation of mcr

3. security was off and on. on friday they just waved us through metal detectors, which did not go off even though we had things like metal locks in our bags. saturday they took a peek inside our bags, and sunday they actually went through our bags fully.

4. there was one water station and it was at one side of the park where 1 stage was, quite a walk away from the other 3-4 stages, and it was genuinely easier to just buy alcohol. the food prices and amounts were... a little ridiculous and the lines were awful on friday. ive been to fests before but this was just Something. my brother got 2 small tacos for $10. i got some mac and cheese that was like 5 bites for $7 and a brownie for $5 (which ended up saving me bc it was calorie dense and i could carry it around taking nibbles thru the rest the day). we got those at really good timing really early in the day but later the lines for food were awful so we couldnt get anymore food. i get that festival food is always overpriced, but the portions were just so small to be able to sustain yourself for the fest. i also feel like there just werent enough food vendors for a fest where it says you cant bring any outside food in, altho its possible i couldve felt that just bc there was only 2-3 vendors that i could eat food at bc vegan. add the alcohol to a lot of peoples empty stomachs and it just didnt go well

5. people were packed in the riot crowd section before alkaline trio even started playing on the roots stage right next to it. and i mean PACKED. cant move, cant make space

6. speaking of before mcrs stage even started, riot fest should have known that the crowd needed mitigating when taking back sunday was on the riot stage a couple hours earlier. when the lead singer mentioned mcr, the crowd screamed and he got an alert that the scream got to 106 decimals (from what i heard)? again, a lot of anticipation

7. there was no competing band playing at the same time as mcr (except a 30 min overlap with marky ramone on a veryyy side stage) which made a bad situation even worse. people who felt neutral about seeing mcr had no other band to see instead, so it just made a bigger, more packed crowd. they shouldve had another medium/big name act playing at the same time to at least try and separate the crowds

8. the stage space was way too small for this amount of anticipation, and there were not enough sections dividing people. the riot stage was basically walled in from what i saw, with a barricade front, left, and right, and another barricade halfway jutting out in the back. i dont think people realized how the barricades were set up, so more and more people kept trying to squish in which just packed and trapped the people who were already there

9. the crowd itself was also full of jackasses. i dont know /when/ exactly the shift in vibe took place, but when we saw the descendants just ~3 hours earlier than that one the roots stage, the crowd was completely fine, regular fun punk crowd antics. plenty of space for everyone closer to the stage from what i experienced at that point BUT

10. by the time alkaline trio was playing (band before mcrs set at the roots stage), people in the crowd around me were yelling for them to stop playing so mcr could play, even tho it was alkaline trios designated set time. people really came to a FESTIVAL and treated it like it was just an mcr show, which again, caused way more issues. honestly it felt like a lot of ppl both felt entitled to see mcr and pissed at the same time bc they werent at all close to the stage. just bad vibes

11. getting out after mcr was a nightmare, there was like one exit (i dont know if they even had a different exit open) and everyone was shuffling along to get out of there, it took us maybe 30-45 mins to even get out of the festival gates? i dont even know what would have happened if there was a bigger emergency at that point bc of how big and packed the crowd was, all going the same direction to try and leave

#riot fest #2022 #mcrriot #idk why i kept forgetting i wrote this lmao #i could prolly add more but at this point i dont have the energy to fix the mess this post is

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leviackermansbrat · 3 years

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hii :) how about a little request of levi x reader where they are both in love with each other but havent really ever acted upon it much and one day the reader gets badly hurt and almost dies, while their recovering levi realizes how close he was to losing them and they finally confess their love and be together (hope this is ok!)

Unexpectedly Expected

tw: mentions of injuries, near death experiences, blood

side note: this takes place during the expedition where the female titan is captured and then escapes. So SPOILER WARNING FOR LATER ON IN SEASON 2 (I also know it's not winter during that episode but for the sake of the scenario let's pretend it is)

The air was cold. Winter within the walls was dreadful for the survey corps. Fighting for humanity was never a part time job, which meant that whatever mother nature had in store for the soldiers had to be taken in stride. No amount of sleet, hail, or snow stopped the scouts from exterminating titans and venturing outside the walls to do so.

"Have you checked your gear brat?" Levi asked with a stoic gaze as he looked cadet Y/N up and down. They beamed brightly at Levi as they nodded their head and gave him a thumbs up.

Levi rolled his eyes at Y/N's enthusiasm, but on the inside he felt his heart warm just a bit. He had always admired the cadet. Their bravery and compassion never ceasing to amaze him. Skill wise, they were almost on par with him which is why he chose them as his second in command for the Special Operations Squad, also known as Squad Levi.

It was an understatement to say that Levi was infatuated with you. He had known cadet L/N since he was first forced to join the Survey Corps. They stuck up for him when Flagon was being a jerk on the day of their arrival. Since then he found Y/N tolerable and eventually began to grow fond of them. However those small feelings that he had became even more intense after Y/N became his shoulder to cry on after Isabel and Furlan died. Since then they have depended on each other and climbed the ranks.

Despite Y/N being in the Survey Corps longer than Levi, they refused to take a higher position when Erwin asked them to become squad leader. Instead they stuck by Levi's side and became content with being his second in command.

Y/N's feelings for Levi were obvious to everyone in the Survey Corps except for Levi. Hell, even the new recruits of the 104th cadets asked if there was something between them and the stoic captain because of the obvious infatuation and pining. Not only is Y/N scared to make a move because of the obvious fear of rejection, but they also fear that they could potentially ruin things between the two of them if they were to add feelings to the equation.

"Make sure to come back alive Y/N," Levi remarked as his hands tightened on the reigns of his horse.

"Only if you do the same Levi," Y/N responded with a cheeky grin.

Once again, Levi rolled his eyes. The yell from Erwin broke him out of his thoughts as they began to ride off beyond the walls.

*skip to after the female titan was captured because I'm lazy*

"Y/N, you're in charge while I'm gone. Take care of my horse. Make sure you get the brat back to headquarters safely. And if shit goes south protect Jaeger," Levi ordered, zipping away before Y/N had the chance to respond.

"You heard the man, I'm in charge. Let's secure our horses in a safe position and get to higher ground just in case random titans come wandering into the forest before the mission is complete," Y/N ordered.

The other squadmates were obviously upset and hurt. They had no idea why they were left in the dark when the plan was to capture the female titan all along.

"I mean new recruits aside, why didn't they tell the survey corps veterans like all of you? The only people who knew were captain Levi and Y/N," Eren asked, looking around.

Y/N cringed at Eren's realization which was partly true but not completely. Y/N was against not telling the entire squad about the plan but the Commander and Levi insisted it was best to keep it under wraps.

"Are you implying that we aren't trusted by the Lance Corporal and Commander? Tell him that's not true Y/N!" Petra yelled, looking at Y/N for confirmation.

"Look, it's not that we don't trust you guys at all. However, there is a traitor in the survey corps," Y/N began to explain.

That would explain why we were kept in the dark about all of this. So you, being a survivor of the attack five years ago were informed about this since it's likely that the perpetrator infiltrated during the fall of Shiganshina?" Eld asked, looking directly at Y/N.

Y/N smiled at Eld's understanding and thought about how he would make a great squad leader. He was dependable and kind, something the survey corps needed. Y/N nodded at Eld's conclusion and a wave of relief passed through the Levi Squad. Although they were upset that they were under suspicion, they knew that it was an extremely important thing to keep under wraps.

Suddenly, a loud roar was heard and the ground began to shake. A retreat flare signal was fired soon after and the Levi Squad looked at each other with wide eyes.

Y/N's attempt at a smile turned into a grimace. They had a bad feeling about this. There was a nagging feeling that something would go wrong. Quickly shaking off the bad feeling, they ordered the squad to retreat.

Was Levi okay? Is he injured? No, he wouldn't be. He wasn't humanity's strongest for no reason. Whatever situation he found himself in, he would surely be able to figure it out and come back safely. After all, they had a deal.

Small talk about the first expeditions rang through the air, but Y/N couldn't bring herself to participate in the light hearted conversation. They knew something was wrong. A flare signal was spotted which meant that Levi was nearby. Y/N saw a hooded figure and immediately knew something was off. They were way too tall to be Levi and all of a sudden their eyes widened.

The titan shifter had most likely escaped. This was the bad feeling they were having.

"Gunther look out!" Y/N yelled but it was too late.

Gunther was hanging from a tree, his body limp and unresponsive in the blink of an eye.

"Guys! It's the female titan! Retreat back to headquarters with Eren. I'll apprehend them!" Y/N yelled to the group.

Y/N was more than capable of handling the female titan. Their speed and strength was second to Levi. It would be no problem taking the shifter down, however before Y/N could pull out their blades, a strike of lightning flashed before them and they were blown away on impact, being way too close to the female titan when she decided to shift.

Y/N flew through the air and only stopped after they hit a tree, the wind being knocked out of them and their head being hit against the tree. They felt a sting in their abdomen and looked down to where their own sword impaled them, having been caught in the crossfire after attempting to ready to battle the female titan. Somehow the blade impaled them while they were flying through the air.

Y/N tried their best to stay awake, but their vision was blurred and they were slowly losing consciousness. A tear slipped from their eye as they realized they were going to die. Y/N wasn't scared of death, but they didn't want to leave Levi alone again. To put him through the pain of losing someone else that was close to him. But Y/N couldn't fight it anymore and their eyes slowly closed, darkness engulfing them.

Levi zipped through the trees, following the explosion he had seen earlier. The female titan had slipped right through their fingertips and he was more worried than ever. Was his squad okay? Of course they were. Y/N could handle the female titan without a problem. But still, he had a lingering bad feeling.

His breath caught in his throat after seeing the mangled bodies of his squad mates. Gunther, Eld, Oulo, and Petra all dead. His heart skipped a beat as he noticed Y/N and Eren were missing. Did they make it back to headquarters? Were they safe? No. A roar erupted in the air signaling that the fight was not over.

Levi soared through the air, anger coursing through his veins for his fallen comrades. He was going to avenge them and take down the female titan.

After retrieving Eren from the female titan, Levi felt empty. There were no signs of Y/N. Almost as if they had vanished. He expected them to be near Eren and fighting the female titan, but that was not the case. Eren was not conscious so he couldn't even ask what had happened to her. Levi was left to assume the worst.

It wasn't until Levi spotted a familiar figure slumped against a tree that he abruptly stopped and told the other Ackerman to continue until they met up with the rest of the Scouts.

Levi was relieved, finally being able to spot Y/N, but that relief turned to dread after he saw the state of Y/N's body. They were slumped against the tree with a blade piercing their abdomen. Levi rushed over to them to check their pulse, cursing the universe for even thinking about taking away another person that he cared for.

He was relieved to find that Y/N's pulse was still there, although in the back of his mind he knew there was no way they could survive after losing that much blood and having other injuries.

"L-Levi," Y/N called, their voice raspy.

They slowly opened their eyes to meet Levi's steely grey ones. This was one of the only times aside from after Isabel and Furlan died where he expressed so much emotion on his face.

"Don't talk you brat, you're just going to make it worse. I'm going to take you back and get you patched up. Just hang on for me a little while longer," Levi said, preparing to carry Y/N back even though his ankle was killing him at the moment.

Y/N chuckled bitterly, blood escaping her lips as she coughed a little.

"You know I'm not going to make it back Levi. This is the end for me," Y/N said, giving Levi a sad smile.

"Stop talking like that. You're not allowed to die on me. That's an order you idiot," Levi commanded, his voice wavering.

"I'm sorry. But I'm glad I got to be by your side for this long. Loving you is something I will never regret," Y/N responded, smiling sadly at Levi.

His eyes widened as he looked down at his second in command, his best friend, the person he would give his entire heart to in a flash. Levi leaned in slowly and planted a kiss on Y/N's lips, the salty taste of their tears interfering. Levi pulled away to look at the smile on their face and found himself smiling as well.

"I love you, Y/N. That's why I'm not letting you die," Levi said, taking Y/N into his arms.

He soared through the forest carrying Y/N, looking down to find their eyes closed. He was too scared to check their pulse in fear that they might already be dead.

Just stay with me a little longer. Don't leave me behind.

*time skip*

"So you love me huh Levi?" Y/N asked, giving Levi a goofy grin.

After the expedition Levi rushed back and Y/N made it by the skin of their teeth. Hange even said it was a miracle that they lived with all of the blood loss and other injuries.

"Shut up brat. Don't make me take it back," Levi responded, rolling his eyes.

During Y/N's recovery he rarely left their side. Hange realized that he might have finally confessed his feelings and teased him endlessly.

"Aww, don't be so harsh. I love you too Levi," Y/N said, giving Levi a quick kiss on his cheek before dashing off to chat with Hange about her latest experiments.

Levi watched their retreating form and smiled slightly to himself. Yeah, he loved them. And that's something he would never regret.

Hope you enjoyed! Writing this was wild lol.

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pokemonswshbutionlyplayedsword · 3 years

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WHAT IS YOUR OPINION On. allister basically being a ghost possessing his own body. this hc is based off of my own kin memories (*vibes in allister kinnie*) and i think its rly neat and i can give more context if you need but i havent rly told anyone else abt this hc so im curious to hear other peopless thoughts on it

Oooooo, this is a bit spooky. I like it. I'm gonna take it my direction but if you want to add more to it just let me know.

So think of Allister's ghost/spirit and Allister's body as 2 different layers that are supposed to line up perfectly. After the accident where he lost his parents, Allister's spirit layer shifted out of place ever so slightly. Not enough to kill him or cause anything particularly weird, but enough that he can feel it. Like he's always standing 2 inches to the right of where he should be. And it's this little bit of him that's hanging off the edge that makes ghost types go "he's one of us".

There's not really much Allister can do to change or fix this, and really in the end it's not significant to anyone but himself and his ghosts. Sometimes he can see ghosts that don't always look like pokemon, though....

#pokemon swsh #pokemon allister #spooookyyyyy

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demensmagus · 2 years

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Welcome to the Misfist's Carnival!

A story by August J. June

Chapter 2: The circus

"As your host, allow me to give you a tour of the grounds before you explore on your own. Allow me to introduce you to our hardworking family first."

Walking through the various stands, what Theo noticed first was the unusual decoration style. Neon signs were being used everywhere a sign was needed, casting a soft glow that seemed to come from another world. An odd warped wood was the main material used in all constructions- benches, lamposts, and other fixtures- along with copper plates that seemed to serve as reinforcement to the wood. Adding to the bizarre clown aesthetic was the fact that all of the wood was of diferent colors; not painted to be be different colors, it seemed like the wood had been grown to be colorful. Even the odd patch of grass that grew here and there seemed like thin orange hairs rather than green blades of grass.

"The style of the carnival is an agglomeration of the preferences of all the previous ringmasters" The current ringmaster said. Wether he noticed that Theo was looking around, or assumed that all guests were automatically drawn to the exotic aesthetic was anyones guess "Our carnaval has a long and lasting history, so there have been many ringmasters over the years. Each one adds their own flare, which leaves a unique and inimitable feel to our grounds!"

This odd man was walking maybe a full meter in front of Theo, apparently admiring the style of everything as much as Theo was. He walked with the confidence of a man who could do nothing wrong, and with the pride of a artist who just finished a world-class masterpiece.

Theo turned his attention to the Ringmaster, too overwhelmed with information to focus on the decor any longer. The ringmaster's coat was mostly purple, though on closer inspection Theo noticed that the velvet of the coat was slowly changing colors. Spots of black and blue would appear and shift through the fabric randomly. In fact, his whole outfit seemed to be alive and moving. Most noticable was his cane, which had a metal octopus handle. Of course, the tentacles of the octopus also moved and writhed against the shaft of the cane.

Before Theo could see anything else, the unusual man suddenly stopped. He turned around to face Theo, with a combination of shame and surprise in his eyes.

"Cant believe I havent introduced myself!" Immediately after saying that he bowed and removed his top hat, revealing a bald head beneath. "Epher Moert, entretainer extroardinaire, at your service"

He regained an upright posture, putting his hat back on, and gestured torward Theo "Now, with who do I have the pleasure?"

"Theo L'fo, though that tells you as much about me as 'Epher Moert' tells me about you"

Epher looked at Theo, with the same look you might give when you find a book with an intriguing prologue.

"I've always thought it's better to see than to explain, but if you must know..." Epher paused for a second. He sat down in mid air, as if there was an invisible chair holding him suspended above the ground "... I am the head of the Drifter's Carnival. I provide a place for all kinds of marvels and outcasts to gather and express themselves freely! In here, the typical rules of reality that you're accustomed to are far more flexible. What matter most in here is that everyone can find something that they enjoy"

"That is certainly a fascinating concept, but you still havent actually told me anything substantial about yourself" Theo responded with caution and curiosity. Unusually enough, Theo wasn't afraid. The young man did not feel threatened by the carnival, but rather felt like he needed to understand the purpose of its existence.

Epher furrowed his brow and slumped his body in his invisible chair.

"Well then, I guess it is better to see for yourself after all" Epher stood up and turned his back to Theo again. He spoke "Let me introduce you to the second in comand! I'm sure meeting the resident strongman will help you understand us a bit better".

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spideymarvelws · 3 years

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It Was Fun While It Lasted

Main Masterlist / Add Yourself To My Taglists

A/n : this is kind of an alternate ending to endgame ig? a version where your a long lost child of thanos and Peter lost the gauntlet only to find it at the same time as you and plot ensues. Kind of the same thing with Clint and nebula but way further down in the movie. I just really wanted to write a villain reader okay leave me alone idk what im doing. also sorry for any inaccuracies i havent watched endgame is so long😭im just going off what i remember.

Summary : Despite your life on earth, your life with the avengers, you’ve always felt like something was missing. You never felt that longing to save the people of the world, their wide smiles and thanks never satisfied you like it did everyone else. That was until Thanos told you about your true past, your true purpose.

To destroy the universe.

Warnings : cursing, betrayal, (ik we should just give Peter a break, but its for the plot im sorry) just pretty angsty so you’ve been warned

Word Count : 2.8k

Heavily inspired by this and this playlist on youtube

Peter Parker x GN!Villian!Reader

...

“It’s under all that ruckus,” Sam yelled through coms, flying over the fallen building he once called the avenger’s compound, “Can anyone reach?”

Peter webbed one of the aliens, using the makeshift leash to pull himself over the creature, knocking it into another one of his kind. His new spider legs retracted from his suit, helping him land gracefully on the floor quick enough to see the domino effect he just caused.

He quickly caught Sam’s words, looking up to see he was right outside the fallen building.

“I can!” he quickly said, flicking his wrist to catch on to a random flying alien, pulling it down to the floor as he took flight, landing on the top of one of the cracked walls. He swiftly searched for an opening under the rubble with the help of Karen tracking where he looked.

Suddenly a red light flashed from a cave like opening, giving him a small cheer at victory. As he crawled into the gap, some static came through his ear piece signalling that someone was about to talk.

“Good luck Kid,” Tony muttered into his ear followed by a loud blast as the comms cut off. Even with the rough cut, he could still feel the small smile making its way to his face.

Though there was a full fledged war going on that might decide whether everyone lived or not, all his young brain could think about was how cool it was to be fighting alongside every superhero he’s ever known, and more. If only he could go back to when he first got bitten, to tell his past self that at some point in the future he would be fighting alongside the avengers.

That he himself was an avenger.

It was crazy to think about. To think about how far he’s come that he was able to save the world and not just help some old lady cross the street. As thoughts continued to bloom in his head, he carefully crawled through all the debris, taking care that he didn't stick to parts that might take down the small opening.

Soon enough he found a clearing, what looked like a living room area judging from the couch covered in dust and the familiar stone pillars and plants. He detached himself from the ceiling, landing softly on the floor as he looked around the dirty room, moving away from the flickering wires that hung from the slanted ceiling.

He soon caught sight of something shiny and gold from underneath a fallen pillar. He punched his arm in the air, running to the object and carefully pulling the gauntlet out of its snug position.

“Found it,” he said into his comms, grunting as it finally released, sending him back slightly, “Coming out now,”

“I’ll meet you outside,” Tony said before cutting off once again.

Peter looked back at the opening determined, strutting towards the exit, his confidence growing with each step. A crunch of debris shook him out of his pride, making him stop in his tracks. He quickly ducked behind a piller, looking at the shadows shown on the wall opposite him with his hand ready to web whatever it was making its way into the cavern.

But as soon as he caught your silhouette standing in the shadows, he let out a deep breath, his shoulders sagging as his muscles lost the sudden tension. He stepped out from his hiding spot to greet you.

“Oh thank god it’s you,” Peter chuckled, his hand falling to his side as he adjusting the gauntlet in his hand, “I thought it was another one of those alien thingies,”

You stayed silent, standing ominously with your arms to the side, twirling your gun slowly. He couldn't see your face hidden in the shadows, only the red glow of the necklace around your neck, illuminating details of your suit on your chest. He noticed how your body shook lightly, like a bomb about to go off.

Peter chuckled nervously, tightening his hold on the glove.

“Is- is everything alright?” He said, taking careful steps towards you.

He didn't listen to the voices in his head telling him to run, to get away as fast as he could. You were his friend, his partner in crime he liked to say.

You would never hurt him.

You stayed silent a few seconds longer, the only thing proving to him that you weren't a lifeless manikin were your movements as you shifted from leg to leg. But he didn't think much of it, it was a scary time for everyone. Maybe you were just glad that he got the gauntlet and not someone from Thanos’ army. Maybe you were just glad to know he was okay after being separated.

“I’m sorry Peter,” you finally spoke up, your voice dangerously low, something he wasn't use to, “But I’m going to need you to give me that glove,”

Peter was taken back by your words, mostly still confused but also slightly worried at your words and sudden presence, “What! Why?”

“I can’t-,” you let out a harsh breath, “I can’t tell you why Peter, just give me the damn glove,”

“No, I-,” he let out a gasp when you raised your gun, aiming it directly at his chest, “Woah, woah, woah!” he held his empty hand up in defence, “What are you doing!”

“I’m getting that glove one way or another Parker,” you said harshly, your tone slashing at his heart, “So either you give it to me or i’m prying it off your dead corpse, you decide,”

Peter stayed silent, trying to process your sudden change in, well, you.

Only minutes ago, you were fighting alongside him, well what felt like minutes ago. He lost all concept of time when the army charged towards him, his main focus was getting that gauntlet away from Thanos and doing his job as an avenger.

But you were there, using the same gun pointing at him now to blast the same aliens attacking him. That was until the land beneath you detached itself, creating a small floating piece of dirt that took you up in the air, taking you away from him.

He didn't have time to follow you when he got tackled to the floor, losing sight of you as you moved to the direction of Thanos.

That's when it clicked in his head.

But before he could question anything, his senses went off as he narrowly dodged the blast of your gun. With the distraction, you took the opportunity to lunge at him, knocking him to the floor.

“What did he do to you!” he grunted, throwing up the gauntlet and webbing it to the ceiling. Before you could jump for it, he tackled you to the floor, webbing one of your hands to the ground.

“He told me the truth!” you screamed, punching him in the nose with your other hand. He webbed that hand to the floor as it tried to reach out to your gun. He kicked away the weapon, webbing the rest of your body, making sure that you were secure, unable to escape.

He didn't want to, but you were unstable, not yourself. Whatever Thanos did to you, fucked up the person he knew, the person he loved and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. He was determined to get you back.

“What do you mean ‘truth’? Do you hear yourself right now!” he said in vain, his chest heaving with every breath.

You stopped struggling in the webs, making Peter question if you ever were. You only laid with a wide smile on your face that soon turned into hysterical laughter. Tears flowed freely from your eyes as you tried to catch your breath making Peter’s breath hitch.

“loud and clear Peter,” you managed to get out, your laughs calming down to little giggles.

“Then why are you doing this? Why did you attack me!”

You rolled your eyes, “You refused to give the what i wanted that’s why,”

“But why do you want it?” he said desperately, growing annoyed with your vague words.

“Why do you want to save the world?” you countered, “Because it feels good right? You feel accomplished? You feel needed, you feel useful,” you shook your head, “You feel like aching pain in your chest to do the right thing, to do what you think is right for the world” you paused, “So what’s so wrong in wanting to destroy it,”

“I save the world because it's the right thing to do Y/n,” he said seriously, disgusted that you would think of the possibility of destroying the universe, “You’re killing innocent people! You lived through those five years, you knew how devastating it was for everyone,”

“But i enjoyed it,” you cut him off, “I enjoyed watching them suffer, because- because i knew it was the right thing, what Thanos did- it was destiny. It was fate! But you fail to see that, you all fail to fucking see it!”

“See what! See what!” he shouted, trying his best to understand what you were saying because none of it was processing in his head.

“People don’t appear out of thin air Peter! I didn’t have a family or friends! I woke up in the middle of nowhere! Knowing nothing about myself and you people fucking took me in and USED me because of my skil!” you spat, “When i asked to find my real family you all denied it, you denied everything i ever said, i asked, you people did nothing for me!”

He started to back away when he noticed your hands begin to glow red, the webs around your body melting off your skin. Suddenly his hands became heavy, something cold clicking around his wrists, pulling him to his knees. He struggled, his muscles strained as he tried to break free but it was futile.

He let himself get trapped, he let himself get distracted.

What confused him more was your sudden power. You were known for your slick fighting skills and use of your guns and various weapons. Not powers that made chains burst out of the ground strong enough to withhold him even with his super strength.

Did Thanos do this to you? Is this why you turned to his side, because he gave you special abilities?

“But now, I know my true self, I know my purpose,” you continued, “I’m not a superhero Peter, maybe not by your definition. Saving all those people, using my powers for ‘good’ means nothing to me,” you stood tall over him, power surging through your veins, “cause guess what! It’s repetitive! People will always find a way to get hurt, to use people for their gain! Humans! Humans are a fucking waste of time but you all never saw that. You just saw the good not the evil,”

“Because that’s our j-”

“Because that’s our job, yes I know, but it's not,” you cut him off once more, “Who ever said that we need to protect people who can’t even help themselves? Who ever said we needed to have this responsibilities on our shoulders for something we can’t even control,” you pointed at him, “You never asked to be spiderman, sure the same can’t be the same for iron man or captain america but they choose that, we didn’t,” you sighed, “But none of you understand that, only-” you paused, “only Thanos does,”

“Is that why you're doing this? Because of something our enemy said,”

“Your enemy, not mine,” you smiled weakly, “He’s made more sense to me that any of you have, he showed me my true powers, my true self in the matter of minutes, something you all couldn't do in years,” your hands dropped to your side, “because he’s my family, he knows my true destiny the real reason why I was given my gift,” you gestured to the gauntlet, “And that’s to complete what he started, that’s why he put me on earth Peter, and I can’t let you or anyone ruin that for me,”

That’s when it clicked, “You’re his child,”

You smiled softly at his words, “I’m not a hero Peter,” your shoulder shook as you let out a tired laugh, “I’ve tried telling you this so many times but you-,” you took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself, “You just never fucking listened!”

Peter stayed silent, looking down at the floor in defeat. You knelt down in front of him, talking his jaw in your fingers to pull his face up, forcing him to look into your eyes.

“I never wanted to hurt you Peter,” you whispered, your eyes softening as you looked directly into his now dull, dirty browns.

“You already did,” he sneered, feeling no remorse for his words, “You did when you took his side, when you betrayed us, after everything we’ve fucking been through your side with a purple fucking raisin,”

You only sighed, your head dropping as you stood back up, stretching your back, “You’ll understand Peter, one day you will,” you began to walk back to the gauntlet, flicking your fingers to get rid of the webs, “To bad I won’t be there for that to happen,”

The shiny piece of metal fell softly into your hands, laying snugly in your palms. Peter watched with dread as your eyes glimmered with glee, reflecting all the colours of the stones, glowing dimly when it landed on the red one.

“How do you think it’s going to feel?” you said out loud, staring in awe at the gauntlet, “I mean I’ve felt the wrath of one stone but six?!” you chuckled, “I could only imagine what that must feel like,”

Peter only grumbled at your words, looking around for something, anything that might spark a light in his mind. That might help him to escape but he found nothing. You had the power of a fucking infinity stone running through your body, if he were to try anything you were sure to break him back down despite which stone you got your powers from. It didn't matter, you were still stronger than him in every way.

“Question is, should I put the glove on, then the stones? Or maybe the other way around? Should I do them all at once or individually,” you looked back at him with a mad grin, “The options huh?”

“You really are his child,” Peter grumbled, looking off to the side, “Sick and twisted, just like him,”

“See! You finally get it!” you said excitedly, throwing your arms in the air, “Glad to know we’re finally on the same page,” you giggled right after.

Normally it would make his heart flutter, but now it only made him sick to his stomach.

“God, It’s just-” you took a deep breath, “I’ve haven't used my powers in fear of hurting others that- that I never even cared about! I just acted like i cared cause- cause that was my job right? That’s what everyone said!” you flicked your hands at the glove, morphing it into the perfect size to fit your arm right in front of his eyes, “Now, I could explore its limits, its full power without being thrown into some tacky jail in the middle of nowhere,” You grinned, “Isn't that exciting?”

You began to take out each individual stone, keeping them floating by your ideas, your eyes flickering from each one to judge it like it was a beauty pageant.

Peter looked at you ridiculously, “No, it isn't,” he took a deep breath, “Y/n, this isn’t you,”

You chuckled, fitting the glove on your hand snuggly as you raised the six individual stones further in the air, spinning them around you, “On the contrary,” you moved the space stone to one of the slots, groaning as its power seeping into your body, “I think this is most i’ve felt like myself in a while!”

He watched in horror as you put each stone in its individual departments, your smile growing wider and wider with each one. Your body began to float off the floor, the light emitted almost blinding him at how bright it grew.

“You don’t have to do this Y/n!” Peter shouted desperately, grunting as he pulled on the chains keeping him locked to the floor, “God dammit Y/n! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

You ignored his pleas, his words void of anything to your ears.

“I’m sorry Peter,” you whispered, turning back to look at him with red glowing eyes, “But the villains just have more fun,” you cackled, breath heavy as the power of all the stones surged through your veins, making them pop with colour, “And I’m about to have the time of my life,”

With that, a bright white light filled Peter’s eyes, knocking him back against the debris, taking him out cold on the floor.

...

Permanent Taglist : @jadegill @joyleen @sarcastic-sunset-7 @wakeupandsmellthelavender @kaithezaftig @theliterarymess @thirstiestpotato @i-love-superhero

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#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x fem!reader #peter parker x gn!reader #peter parker x villain!reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x avenger!reader #peter parker x y/n #peter parker angst #marvel #marvel angst

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books-and-dragons · 3 years

Text

pegoryu (pre-established) post-interrogation hurt/comfort fic. has mentions of nightmares, trauma, and implied physical assault. unedited and for that i big apologise in advance

___________

okay!!! so this fic has been sitting in my drafts for months (lol what else is knew i know, shush i’m getting to the point) and i was supposed to post it on ao3 at the same time as i did a couple of others, however never got around to it bc it needed editing and im too lazy for that

likelihood is, i will edit and post to ao3 at some point, but it needs some BIG rennovations and i just can’t be arsed atm

so yeah, apologies for the shoddy writing in advance xoxo

but for now, i wanted to post it on here. today. as a sign of goodwill for the year to come. (ie. i own p5r, still havent played it, need to play it, and hope posting this will kick me into gear)

so, hope you enjoy!! and lmao if not it’ll just get buried as i start to revive this blog so,...win win?

In the first few nights since the interrogation, Ryuji stayed awake, listening to the fragile shudders of Akira’s breath in the night. So sensitive to every breath of air restricted by broken ribs, Ryuji hadn’t needed to look across the room, to gaze at the beaten figure on the bed, to know how his face was contorted in pain- unmasked in sleep.

He refused to so much as close his eyes until Akira’s breathing levelled out, still shuddering and restricted by pain, but deep enough to assure him that Akira was asleep. Only then, Ryuji allowed himself to rest.

Nobody else stayed the night. They lingered until the last train, crowded around the attic bedroom, gaze worriedly resting on Akira until the final second, where they’d leave with the accompanying chime of Leblanc’s door closing. But not Ryuji.

Ryuji, who had refused to leave Akira’s side since the moment he’d returned to their arms, beaten and drugged up, hardly coherent, but so relievingly and perfectly alive.

Akira hadn’t been alone since, Ryuji ensured that much. Torn over so much as going across the road for a bath, he couldn’t leave the other boy alone- something pulled at him to never let that happen, a pit of fear in the bottom of his stomach that pulled at his every nerve.

Maybe it had something to do with the nightmares, the visions of Akira lying broken on cold tile, at the mercilessly unrelenting hands of the police, the images of Akira lying dead, blood pooling from his head, the way the images seemed to haunt him even when awake- but there was no point reading into it. It wasn’t important, especially not now.

What mattered was that when he woke up, breath haggard and skin shining with sweat under the light of outdoor streetlamps, Akira never woke. Wasn’t even perturbed.

Ryuji tried to be thankful for it, tried not to think about why Akira was suddenly such a deep sleeper. Ignored the puncture wounds on his neck, the bottle of painkillers by his bedside. Akira was resting, and that was enough.

Even if it didn’t make sense that, when morning rose, the dark circles under Akira’s eyes had grown. That he tried to muffle pained yawns behind bandaged hands, and begged for more coffee- even though Takemi had put him on a temporary ban.

Because Ryuji had seen him sleeping, watched the rise and fall of his chest as Ryuji reminded himself that Akira was alive and safe, it was the sight that lulled him back to sleep from a nightmare. So why did Akira always look so tired?

He tried not to let his growing concern show, there was already so much to be worried about, he didn’t want to add another. Especially not when it could be nothing but his own annoying thoughts.

It wasn’t until the next night, after a particularly painful and thorough visit from Takemi earlier that day, that Ryuji started to reconsider.

Blearily opening his eyes to the dark lighting of the attic, Ryuji didn’t need a clock to know it was well into the middle of the night, and that he’d been woken up from his sleep, again.

But it was weird. There was none of the usual constricting fear, the blind panic- he’d hardly even started seeing the figure of a beaten Akira surrounded by shadow, let alone begun imagining the worst.

About to blame it on the lumpy and painful springs of the couch and try to fall back asleep, Ryuji caught it. Quiet, as if muffled by something, but just loud enough to penetrate through the silence in the attic and reach Ryuji: crying.

No. Not crying.

Sobbing.

Ice burning in his stomach, he carefully lifted the blanket and rose, wary of creaking springs and the sound of rustling fabric, towards the shaking figure on the bed.

His voice was barely above a whisper, carrying clearly and softly through the silence as he carefully extended an arm, not touching, only hovering, “Akira?”

The responding flinch broke Ryuji’s heart all the more, as a head rose from under the covers, bloodshot eyes wide and darting around the room in panic, hair wildly askew.

Moving as slowly as he dared, Ryuji sat at the side of the bed, “Hey, it’s okay, it’s only me.”

As the mattress shifted under him, Akira froze. Muscles tight and unyielding, back as ramrod straight as his broken ribs would allow, the entire body braced for something Ryuji didn’t even want to think about. His gaze was distant, somewhere far away from Leblanc, from the blond sat right beside him.

It reminded Ryuji of his Ma, in the months after the divorce. Curled up together on the dingy bed, they’d cling to each other so tight even in sleep, waking up in the morning sweaty and sometimes a little uncomfortable, never minding because they woke feeling completely safe. But there were the nights when his Ma’s screams would wake him in the early hours, recoiling and shaking even in her sleep. Ryuji would sit upright and watch over her until sunrise, would try to pull her from the memories he knew haunted her. Haunted them both.

Looking at Akira, the striking familiarity of the situation made him want to hurl.

He didn’t move, no matter how strong the urge was to reach out and console his hurting best friend. Instead, he kept his voice quiet, just audible above the laboured sobs, and waited.

“You’re okay, Akira. You’re safe, I’m not goin’ anywhere, alright? You’ve got me, it’s okay-”

Slowly, the frantic scanning of the room stopped. Staring at the artificial yellow light that bathed Leblanc’s street, following it into the shadows of the attic, where dark figures seemed to fade away. The flash of blond in his vision, perfectly still, aside from the hushed mutterings leaving chapped lips.

Akira focused on that sound. It felt safe.

As Ryuji uttered soft words of reassurance, he watched the tension slowly leave Akira’s body. Shoulders slightly slouched, jaw unclenched, his lip was bleeding- but he could worry about that later. All that mattered was the softening of Akira’s lines, as he slowly came back to Ryuji.

Delicately as he dared, he reached out. Hand brushing against bruised skin, careful not to as much as press on the marred areas. For a moment, there was no response. He waited, watching the panic continue to leave until, slightly trembling, Akira’s hand interlaced with his own.

“Ryuji?” The hazed look in his eyes was clearing, staring at Ryuji with a newly discovered relief, which was quickly overtaken by shame, “Shit- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, just go back to sleep I’m fine-”

“Hey no, no man it’s okay, really-” Feeling Akira begin to pull away, Ryuji let his thumb run over the back of his hand, determinedly meeting Akira’s gaze, “I don’t mind.”

Akira opened his mouth, ready to retort and insist, but found himself silenced by the look in the other boy’s eyes. Ryuji’s hand was warm, and for a moment Akira forgot there were even any injuries there at all, thumb tracing over them with such a delicate touch he hadn’t known the blond to have possessed.

Staring into Ryuji’s eyes, he wondered at how they were always so open and unguarded, never with anything to hide- a true reflection of his best friend, passionate and honest to a fault. It was something Akira had often envied, that ability to always be his true self, to freely display his emotions.

He almost took that back now, staring back into deep brown eyes. Eyes which so clearly reflected hurt and worry.

The raw concern so honestly displayed to him that, just in this moment, Akira decided he would allow himself to be vulnerable. Just this one time. Knowing that, as they had done for each other so many times before, Ryuji would never judge.

Hesitantly, Akira pulled his hand out of Ryuji’s and, ignoring the concerned look he got in return, allowed his hand to trace higher, around his forearm, pulling him closer with a silent plea.

As always, Ryuji understood.

Carefully reaching out, Ryuji wrapped his arms around Akira, pulling him to his chest. His touch is firm, but cautious of the bruising and bandages decorating Akira’s abdomen. Even then, careful as he was, the occasional shift sent twinges of pain up Akira’s spine. And yet, he found he didn’t mind- not when he was so surrounded by warmth and comfort and the steady beat of Ryuji’s heart just audible through his chest, that for a minute Akira feels like he can just forget-

Somehow, Ryuji shifts so they’re leaning against the back wall, Akira’s head resting high on Ryuji’s chest, ear pressed to his left side. Logically, Ryuji supposed now would be a good time to ask about what just happened, about the dark circles under Akira’s eyes and the fear still lingering when he caught sight of shadows in the room- but there would be other opportunities. When Akira wasn’t so damn exhausted and clinging to Ryuji like he’s the final lifeline holding Akira together. When neither of them would be waking up in the middle of the night, a frenzied mess, and worrying about suspicious strangers in public and carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.

Yeah, there would be other times to talk. But for now, Ryuji would stay with Akira and listen as his breathing mellowed out into deep breaths, as his grip on the blond weakened and he cuddled closer still, lost to the throes of sleep.

Ryuji will stay with him until the sun rises.

Neither of them were plagued by nightmares for the rest of the night.

#persona 5 #p5 #fic #pegoryu #akira kusuru #ren amamiya #ryuji sakamoto #omg when was the last time i posted under these tags #i miss it #lol im sorry this fic is kinda rubbish but also i wanted to share it somewhere? since who knows when i'll edit it #(also lmao yeah rainbow is big influence and i now own p5r just gotta PLAY IT)#(but it's a slippery slope im scared i'll get hooked immediately? which is a dumb concern i know but IT WORRIES ME A LOT OKAY)#it's been years since i been deep in p5 #like #2 years #but still #much time #((edit: 2 seconds before posting i suddenly remember POSTING ANXIETY EXISTS OLD BUDDY OLD PAL shit it's been a while))#((what a throwback emotion))

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transdib · 3 years

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i had 2 breakdowns in the same day at work yesterday, to the point where i went home early. the first breakdown i managed to pull myself out of, spending 10 mins alone doing deep breathing and calming down, and i was proud of myself for actually giving the day another go; usually when i breakdown i cant even face the rest of the day or get back to it.

luckily the last breakdown happened in the last hour and a half of my shift, but yeah....

they were both caused by the same coworker, or moreso the way she spoke to me both times were the straws that broke the camels back.

still...im still so severely shaken even 24 hours later, i couldnt stop dissociating, a week of bad sleep and nightmares have cumulated into an almost crisis, and last night i self harmed for the first time in years. i was really fortunate to have my roommates opening up a conversation w me and i got to vent about the day.

my coworker made me feel so shocked and isolated, the things she was talking to me about + her delivery of it insinuated some deep long-term personal resentment against me, and it was something i wouldve not picked up from a mile away because i considered us to be quite close as workmates.

its seriously making me not wanna go back to work, to the point where im only into the evening of my first weekend day and im already trying to fight back a panic attack. the “incident” got sorta unresolved, because i was so beside myself when it happened, and she immediately flipped to consoling me when i started crying again.

im still swimming in my head “what did i do wrong? why was she so mad at me?” because it sounds like a misunderstanding (to put it as briefly as possible, our manager quit when i had only been there for about 3 months, but before that she was my trainer. i utilised all my coworkers knowledge and help to learn about grooming, but i definitely have been working w the other bather [the coworker in question] the closest. yesterday she practically confronted me saying she was told by the bosses she was my trainer, not the old manager, and she and her authority over me had felt disrespected and undermined, she scoffs at me when i explain i didnt realise she was meant to be that directly in charge of me, and says i was told. to add, i literally have no memory of disrespecting her authority and have in fact been the one solid grounding for her since all her drama w the other coworkers, as i said, we were close, and to have to literally throw this 180 change of behaviour at me out the blue has left me so shaken to say the least, i apologised to her that i made her feel that way but i just broke down sobbing)

anyway.......sigh.....

ive been dealing with imposter syndrome ever since i got this job last year, i was originally shy and a bit reserved, but i buckled down and tried to do my best job possible, utilising everyone around me and supporting everyone. yes ive given into the drama (god theres so much of it) at times, but the bather coworker has always assured me i am “punching up” because she is technically above me when i vent.

this was also coupled with management treating us like absolute shit during this lockdown. im so tired. the customers are so angry. i havent been able to switch off from work, i thought my work-life balance was bad enough beforehand but now im literally unable to sleep and having suicide and self harm relapses because of this stupid fucking job.

and i dont wanna quit. i would fucking hate myself because i have been beginning to vocalise to other coworkers how much im struggling, and i dont wanna quit and thereby proving im not cut out for this job- ive been with it 10 months and i still cant even convince myself i belong there.

theres so much bullying and bullshit going on. i dont wanna be weak and quit. im too passive and i understand i need to talk to this coworker about my issues with her. but she is extremely volatile and heightened and reactive, and bringing any sorta grievance to her in the past has either been met with excuses or self-depreacting comments, or a mix of both. its so much emotional labour, and the self-care part of me thinks “fuck this, i dont deserve to be feeling this way by others when ive only ever tried to be helpful and good at my job and train” but theres such a dominant part of me thats so scared and ashamed and confused. i still cant even process if my coworker was angry at me or angry at the lack of communication from management. but the way she was talking, she clearly had something stewing in her for a long time.

i cant do this anymore.

#life of doge #negative -#suicide -#self harm -#ugh just work nonsense and the drama that happened yesterday that i still cant process

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