#am i the victim or the abuser

[hey-little-flea]

Revelations I had today:

-'I'm tired of all this drama' = 'I'm tired of all these witnesses who keep monitoring my crummy behavior'. Twas a means to get me alone, away from others, so he could gaslight me later if needed. And I feel disgusting after realizing this. No one was there to help verify his behavior, validate that he was in the wrong.

-'You see the absolute worst in everyone; you assume they have bad intentions'. Do I? Or did he? Because I seem to be on pretty good terms with my coworkers now, after I told him to butt out and stop 'helping'. Lots of jokes, laughter, and stories these days. And they're keeping an eye on me, protecting me even, to keep him at bay. And I will admit, it feels weird to have so many people supporting me through this. But it's also kinda nice.

-He told me I wasn't communicating enough, or clearly. I did! communicate. I even repeated myself, multiple times, used different wording, different tone, used analogies and metaphors. On multiple occasions. The most frustrating part is he said that he got it, that he understood. It is NOT my fault he didn't truly understand. It is not my fault that he could not understand. It is not my fault that he in essence lied to me.

-He cherry-picked through what I was saying, latching onto things that furthered his narrative. If I called him out on his BS, he didn't recognize it. If I tell him 'I called HR because I want you to leave me alone, to stop texting and calling me; how dare you call my best friend; leave her out of this', where tf does he get 'so you went to HR because I wanted to talk to you over the phone? I can't do text-only like you wanted, so you should've picked up the phone; how dare YOU violate MY boundaries'. Like, what a leap in logic is that?

-I only texted with him at all these past two weeks because I was stupid in December and deleted his abusive texts. I needed to refresh the archive. If I hadn't thought the text archive would be needed for the HR investigation, he would have remained 100% ignored in my spam folder.

-It is not my fault if I was as clear as possible, as concise, and he still did not understand. If 'no I don't want to date you under these circumstances' is not clear cut enough, he never would have gotten the message.

-The situationship did not fold because I didn't try hard enough. He did not care enough to listen and Hear what I was saying. Both overtly and subtexually.

-His failure to learn my boundaries - despite numerous chances and reminders - does not make me a bad teacher. It does not make me a bad self-advocate.

-His failure to respect my boundaries does not mean they are worthless.

-Boundary violations do not reflect on my worth as a person with wants, needs, and values.

-He thought I was caged. I am disciplined. There is a difference.

-He thinks I'm controlled by a fear of others' perceptions. I am controlled by a fear of not living up to my perception of myself.

-I'm not entirely blameless in this mess. I do have shortcomings. Mine here are that I didn't enforce my boundaries early enough. I did not vocalize them clearly enough the first few instances they were violated. I caved when he explained why they were incompatible with his wants/needs/desires.

I was weak when he wanted to speak in January. I should have listened to my own gut sooner. I should have said 'no' and meant it, enforced it. I should have stood by my decisions - not let him come and undermine them. I should not have let him use me.

I should not have stewed in resentment without speaking about it when I began feeling that way. I should not have allowed him to make all the rules and decisions. I should have pitched in a few of my own, and made sure he played by them, or honored them. I should have recognized his words and actions were incongruous. I should have demanded his respect, consistently, rather than expecting him to give it freely on his own.

I should have put in the work to protect myself better, much sooner. I gave up on him. I gave up on a future with him. I felt he was slowing me down, not adding to my life, detracting from it. I felt he was not the safe, constructive, reliable person I needed. And I didn't say any of this for fear of triggering another fight - until the pot boiled over and I was proven right, on all 3 counts.

I didn't have enough patience for him and his sometimes conflicting wants/needs/desires. I didn't want to wait for him to grow up. I didn't want to take that much time to help him see the big picture; to make sure he understood where I was coming from. I was tired of begging for a chance to interrupt/rebut things in his endless monologue. (And still he claims I didn't know him! Spoken like a true, pompous windbag.)

I didn't want to keep wasting my time and my breath for nothing in return. I knew what he was, and what he was capable of, and I allowed him to burn me not once, but twice. I loved him and his approval and his lovebombing more than I loved myself. I lied to myself. I tried to explain away his abuses. I didn't want to admit to becoming a statistic.

-It does not make me a bad person for reaching the end of my rope.

-It does not make me a bad person for saying 'enough'.

-It does not make me a bad person for saying 'this treatment ends here, today'.

-I don't 'need to come to my senses'. I've already woken up to the reality of the situation, after turning a blind eye for so long.

-I don't need to wait until June to end this, on his terms. We will end things on mine, today.

-I'm back in control of my present and future.

[kelin-is-writing]

Fuck you Endeavor. Fuck you All For One. Fuck you to all the Pro-Heroes. Fuck the Hero Society and FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI too 🥰

[hojichasunrise]

Katara playfully splashes water at Aang, who responded by sulking in a brooding cave and then exploding lava in her face and storming off without any apology. From The Lost Adventures.

Golly gee why don't I want to ship such a wholesome wonderful healthy ship like this? Gee whiz, it's great Katara didn't end with Zuko, otherwise she might get lava thrown at her in an argument from an immature, emotionally unavailable, abusive jerk! /s Oh, right, Aang is the one who did that.

Aang has always been the one to hurt Katara. Funny Zuko hasn't. Remind me again who scarred Katara's hands, who blew up into the avatar state leaving Katara to pull him out lest he destroy her, her brother, and everything around him? Who stormed off right before the finale without communication leaving his friends to die in the invasion? Was it Zuko who did those things? Was it?

Such a wholesome ship!

[elfcollector]

Show them the kindness you never saw. No one deserves this fate.

[heshemejoshi]

back again

[dkmbookworm]

The more I think about it, it really isn’t out of the realm of possibility for Odysseus to say he loves calypso. Victims of abuse can still end up loving their abusers to a degree. Even if it doesn’t always make sense. Because there were likely moments where they were able to talk and bond. When he was going through a bad day with his thoughts and she helped him get out of it. It doesn’t mean that he forgives her for holding him hostage and keeping him from his family. But he only had her in that time when he’s at his lowest point.

I think at times that the fandom can underplay how much just being on the island is a torture in of itself. Even without calypso there. It represents a point where he is left only to his own thoughts. To replaying every single mistake, every selfish decision. Thinking through a million and one what ifs that could have kept them alive. Thinking of the 600 families out there that won’t get to see their men come home. Thinking of everything he did to get home only to be here. Like really think about how much that is running through his head, every second of every day. And the only person who you can talk to, who could take your mind off of those thoughts for even a second. Is your captor

“I’m not sorry for loving you” shows that Odysseus doesn’t truly get the satisfaction of being able to hate her. He likely even pities her or cares for her despite what she’s done

He does see her as a friend because of the circumstances they exist in.

He isn’t going to only remember the bad times. He will remember moments on the beach looking at the stars. Learning about her in those conversations. Maybe even finding her funny or charming. Moments of respite from the well of misery that he’s drowning under every single day.

And that’s the worst part of when you see the person hurting you as a person. And he is a monster, so who is he to judge. He has done horrible things in the pursuit of love, and maybe he can recognize that kinship in her.

Don’t forget about how “Monster” shows Odysseus finally going down that path of realization. Rather than it simply stating” I’ll be as brutal as any of my foes”. It starts with him humanizing them.

Is the cyclops struck with guilt when he kills, is he up in the middle of the night

Or does he end my men to defend his friend and then sleep knowing he has done them right

When the witch turns men to pigs to protect her nymphs is she going insane

Or did she learn to be colder when she got older and now she saves them the pain

We can see that Odysseus is able to give a strange level of empathy and understanding to his enemies while he becomes a monster. And there’s nothing to say he wouldn’t do the same with Calypso.

She is a lonely, isolated woman who has been imprisoned on this island longer than he can comprehend. Someone deeply naive and emotionally stunted from her life on the island. Desperate for love and companionship that he is unable and unwilling to give her.

Is it right? Absolutely the hell not. And as detailed in a previous post, still deeply insidious in the long term.

But this is Odysseus after he had sacrificed 6 men to get home, and then the remaining 36 after. Where he is constantly weighed down by those actions and seeing what becomes of someone who chooses to be a monster. To try and play the gods games and fail terribly.

They’re simply two monsters trapped together

[tsyvia48]

I miss the guy I thought Neil Gaiman was. I really liked that guy.

[super-nova5045]

its always “we should beat up and kill rapists and abusers!” but the moment someone actually does you all turn on them

[alicentflorent]

Comparing Alicent and Helaena’s reactions during the funeral scene is really interesting because it shows us two different trauma responses. Alicent has been taught her entire life to sit there, look pretty and do her duty. We see her look deeply uncomfortable at first but she “stays calm” because in reality she’s dissociating, she’s keeping on the mask that she’s used to protect herself. We know she experiences dissociation when in a traumatic situation because we see it clearly in the marital rape scene and when she’s trying to look after two babies she had when she was still a child herself.

Helaenas trauma response is more clear, while she also experiences dissociation during this scene (we also see her dissociate during b&c and the scene right after in Alicents room) but as the crowds gather and they start to throw confetti helaena is triggered out of her dissociated state and becomes overstimulated and anxious and starts to become visibly distressed but she can’t remove herself from the situation and Alicent attempts to calm her are futile because helaena, being written as neurodivergent, CAN’T just push her anxieties down and put on a mask. It’s gone beyond being able to mask her symptoms. Her discomfort is clear, she’s becoming more overwhelmed and all she can do is sit there visibly distressed. Alicent has been dissociating for so many years and masking her own discomfort that she doesn’t even realise that not everyone can go into that state and not visibly react to trauma they are going through.

[deservedgrace]

cult jokes are a symptom of and contribute to the simultaneous sensationalizing of cults (cults are all dark cloaks and animal sacrifices and devil worship and group suicide and despicable/unhinged beliefs) and diminishing of cults ("uwu come join my CULT XD we're gonna make cookies and WORSHIP SATAN teehee"), but i'm realizing how they go so hand-in-hand with the mindset of "only ~stupid/evil/crazy/etc.~ people could possibly join a cult. if it were me i would simply not fall for cult propaganda."

the diminishing part means that people don't take you seriously if you say you're an ex cult member or talk about your experiences in a cult or believe you are a current victim of a cult, because cults are just silly little groups that have weird beliefs but are otherwise innocuous. the sensationalizing part means people will also not take you seriously because if it was Actually a cult cult, that does harm and has evil beliefs, you should've known better because any reasonable person would have seen through it. the other side of "only an [xyz] person joins a cult" is "i am not an [xyz] person so i will never join a cult or be victim to propaganda and other cult tactics." the other side of "if it were me i would simply not fall for propaganda" is "someone falling for propaganda is fully a choice and a personal failing on their part." and combined they make: if you were [xyz] enough to join a cult and fall for propaganda, that means you deserved it.

people who would never make jokes about any other kind of abuse but feel perfectly fine making cult jokes used to kind of baffle me, because why is joking about personal abuse a problem but large-scale/group abuse is fine? why is it suddenly funny when you're the one that wants to perpetuate the abuse? but if your belief around cults is: "your experience wasn't that bad [diminishing], and if it was that bad [sensationalizing] it was your own fault and personal failing [i would simply not fall for propaganda], which means you deserved what you went through [only stupid/evil/crazy/etc people join cults]" and you don't understand how cults or cult tactics work, cult survivors/victims probably feel like a fair target for jokes (they are not, to be clear).

[lagosbratzdoll]

This is a very very unfinished thought but I've been thinking a lot as I reread the books about how the women of House of the Dragon don't really get catharsis and how that'll likely be worse in S2. Say what you want about asoiaf but a number of named women there experience catharsis.

They kill their abusers (Lysa, Cersei, Dany). They regain some agency after a violation (Lysa, Cersei, Lady Stoneheart, Dany), and they refuse to forgive the people complicit in their subjugation (Lysa, Cersei, Dany, Lady Stoneheart, Jeyne Westerling).

Obviously, three or four isn't enough in such an expansive cast of characters but the point remains that they claw back their autonomy however they have to. They're allowed to be angry, bitter, unforgiving and cruel to their abusers in a way women in House of the Dragon just aren't allowed. They're allowed grief, grief that is violent and destructive.

The women of House of the Dragon don't get angry. They stand around and stare plaintively at the camera, they cry prettily, and they plead for peace and non-violence. They suffer and suffer and suffer and there's no relief.

[luobingmeis]

my jgy thoughts have been expanding and adapting and roiling and toiling etc etc etc and all of it is coming down to me affectionately marveling at this character. he’s cut-throat. he’s cunning. his kindness leaves lasting impressions. his mercy is what predates his demise. he’s one of the few cultivators who helps those in need. he will sacrifice them if it benefits him. he loved. it didn’t last. it killed him. it orchestrated his downfall. he’s a genius. he’s paranoid. he compartmentalizes. he splits the world into who he would sacrifice and who he would not. people he loves and people he would sacrifice are not mutually exclusive. he’s filial to a fault. it was all for his mother. he is a study in assimilating to survive. the results vary. he manipulates the herd mentality to his benefit. it is turned against him. he is killed for the one thing he didn’t do by the one person he wouldn’t sacrifice. it is still somehow better than what the hive-mind cultivation world would have done. i love this tragic kaleidoscope of a character.

[kelin-is-writing]

And I’m feeling… Not very good…

[mangyraccooon]

I’ve seen the fandom take a bastard character and make them a poor little meow meow, twice now

Which isn’t a lot but it’s fucking disappointing.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

good god do not go on fucking twt rn, people are looking through past tommy and wilbur clips and speculating that tommy was abused as well (whether he was or not is not important right now, don't speculate about his personal life when he's not even online to correct anyone, for the love of god can we focus on shelby), or pushing phil, tommy, jack, charlie, quackity, etc. to say something asap as if they're not probably processing the fact that one of their very good friends has been an abusive piece of shit this entire time.

ALSO (this is not defending him this is just something i've seen that is pissing me off) i've seen people saying he was a creep for making a lot of friends who are much younger than him, like teenagers. but a) phil has made friends with these same people and no one is getting pissed at him, b) being friends with people who are younger than you (YES including in their teens while you are an adult) is not a morally terrible thing, you can be friends with people who are younger than you and not be a creep, c) CALLING HIM A "CLOSET PEDOPHILE" FOR BEFRIENDING YOUNGER MEN IS JUST TAKING EYES OFF OF SHELBY AND TRYING TO PUT IT ON THE YOUNGER MALE CCS YOU ENJOY. for the love of god stop focusing on the male streamers who haven't even had a chance to say something yet and focus on SUPPORTING SHELBY. THE VICTIM.

[clarissaweasley-10]

TGG SPOILERS

Savannah love,l am pretty sure it's Eve messing with your brain and l really really don't want to hate you BUT I'M SOO SORRY POINT A FINGER AT MY GIRL AVERY AND I WILL HAVE TO TAKE ACTION