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leviathanswingman · 3 years

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cavity and sweet tooth; DiaLuci oneshot

“Lucifer, can you come here for a moment?”

Lucifer, sitting by the fireside with his head bowed ever so slightly, bangs softly brushing against his cheeks, lifted his head from the paperwork he had been working on for hours and hours with no end in sight.

He turned his head towards the source of commotion, barely able to suppress a sigh as he took note of Diavolo sitting on the ground of the house of lamentation’s music room, cross legged and soft-spined, evidently lost in conversation with none other than Lucifer’s antisocial little brother Leviathan.

Seeing them chatting as if they were life-long friends, Lucifer couldn’t help but suppress a sigh he could feel rising from the depths of his soul. With Diavolo’s devil-may-care personality, fraternizations of this sort rarely ever worked out in his favor.

After all, the demon prince had originally paid the house of lamentation a surprise visit to discuss several work-related issues that had come up on short notice . To no-one’s surprise however, that had quickly turned into Lucifer doing the actual work while Diavolo was fooling around, attempting to lure Levi into another semi-deep conversation.

“Yes?” Lucifer asked, admittedly curious to find out what exactly those two had been going on about. Leviathan was extremely reclusive by nature, so for someone to catch his attention, the topic of conversation must have been quite captivating.

He pushed up the glasses that had been sliding down his nose inch by inch, readjusting them appropriately.

Diavolo mustered him and let out a sigh. “Come here, just for a second!” When there was barely any reaction coming, he shook his head impatiently and beckoned Lucifer over. “Do I have to implore you? I promise it won't take long. I want to try something out Leviathan here mentioned-”

“Right, right.” Through years and years spent as Diavolo’s friend and right hand man, Lucifer had learned that when confronted with another one of Diavolo’s outlandish requests, indulging him before inevitably shutting him down was the easiest way to go.

He sighed once, but put aside his paperwork regardless and got up from his chair. Of course he knew this foretold nothing good. Still, it was Diavolo who was asking. And although the man often failed to remain professional, determined to break down all of Lucifer’s carefully built up walls, Lucifer knew he could trust him. Even in moments like these when Diavolo was really hellbent on testing his patience.

He walked over to Diavolo and Leviathan, stopping inches away from them and crossed his arms. “So, what's all of this about?”

Diavolo looked up to him and threw him a displeased look. “Lucifer,” he started and before Lucifer could so much as answer, Diavolo had already closed his fingers around Lucifer's wrist, giving it one big tug.

Taken off guard by Diavolo's sudden boldness, Lucifer let himself be pulled down to the ground with nothing but a badly hidden stumble.

Levi, who had been lounging on a couch behind Diavolo let out a stifled laugh before Lucifer caught his eye and gave him a proper glare, shutting him up for good.

��Diavolo!”

The demon prince let out a low chuckle as he watched Lucifer readjust his position. As soon as he was sitting semi-comfortably in front of him, Diavolo grabbed Lucifer’s forearms and lifted them

“I hope I didn't startle you now, did I?” he said with a low rumble to his voice, his eyes focusing in on Lucifer's hands which were hidden by his lavish black gloves. “Would you take these off for a second?”

Lucifer's eyebrows knit together in confusion. He lifted his eyes to look at Diavolo, whose attention seemed to be strictly focused on Lucifer's hands.

“I suppose,” he answered, yet before he could do as much as lift a finger, Diavolo was already busying himself pushing up Lucifer’s sleeve, hooking his index finger in-between smooth fabric and even smoother skin, successfully freeing Lucifer's left hand.

“There we go!”

“Remind me as to why we're doing this again?”

Diavolo scooted a little bit closer, now facing Lucifer as he took hold of his right gloved hand. “No need to look that grim. As I said, I was just wondering about something Leviathan has brought up ever so passionately. You'll be free to finish your work in no time.”

A small scowl crept up on Lucifer's face as he turned his head towards his little brother. “Levi, if this is anything but appropriate I will make sure to turn you into-”

Before he could finish his sentence Leviathan had already taken hold of his belongings and bolted out of the room. To be quite honest, Lucifer couldn't remember the last time he had seen him run quite as fast.

Lucifer decided to put his focus back on Diavolo just as he felt one of his fingers glide along his skin before disappearing in the gap between glove and hand, successfully pulling off the second glove as well.

For a moment Diavolo ogled Lucifer’s hands, hands that were seen covered way more often than bare, before raising his hands as if to give a high five.

“Mirror my movements,” he said with a smile on his lips and a twinkle in his admittedly pretty eyes.

Lucifer stared at his raised palms for a moment or two until Diavolo started to get tired of waiting and motioned towards Lucifer with a quick circular motion of hand.

“Hold them up like this,” he said, putting both his hands back up at chest height.

“Diavolo, I really don't see the point in any of this,” Lucifer protested, but followed suit anyway. He mirrored Diavolo's motions, throwing him a quizzical look from behind their hands while doing so.

Diavolo threw him a blinding smile as he connected their hands palm to palm, gently but confidently, making sure that they were lined up perfectly at the bottom.

The tips of Lucifer's fingers, softly pressed against Diavolo's digits, were tingling curiously under the gentle feeling of skin against skin.

It wasn't that Lucifer was touch-starved, no, he was simply not used to these slow, soft, almost tentative touches; especially coming from Diavolo.

“Well, won't you look at that!”

“What specifically am I supposed to look at now? This is ridiculous. I still have work to do so-” he started, but before he could stand up again and return to his stack of papers Diavolo pushed his hands against Lucifer's perceptibly harder.

“Don't be like that, just look!!”

Lucifer pushed back out of reflex.

His eyes dropped down to their hands and, surprised by the unexpected sight, Lucifer felt something click in the back of his brain.

Graceful, slender hands stood in contrast to slightly bigger, stronger looking ones. For once, he did not push back in retaliation, but mustered their joined hands instead.

The sight made him feel almost nostalgic. Hands, once curled to uncertain fists, were now joined in mutual obedience and respect. It was a strange and perhaps vulnerable thing to take note of. He shook his head, face to face with his own mushy thoughts.

Still, instead of pulling away as his instincts were telling him to, Lucifer pushed back as Diavolo also considered their hands for a moment, letting out a rumbling laugh before dropping his fingers a bit to fully slide them between Lucifer’s.

“Even your hands are positively stunning, Lucifer. Pray tell, how do you manage any of it? Stunning from head to toe,” he practically mumbled, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, revealing the slightest hint of dimples on his cheeks.

Lucifer, unsure of what to do with his hands as he pretended to not have heard any of Diavolo’s flattering mumblings, furrowed his brows as he quickly blew a stray strand of hair out of his eyes.

“There you go buttering me up again like that. What even is the use of all of this?” Experimentally, he spread his fingers a little bit further apart and threw Diavolo a quick glance from under his lashes. Finally, he grew tired of keeping his fingers upright and dropped them unceremoniously, decidedly ignoring the fact that theoretically, if you were being really strict, he was holding hands with Diavolo right now. He forced himself not to think about it beyond measure.

“Permission to compliment?” Diavolo asked belatedly, a mixture of joy and mischief painting his features delightfully carefree.

“Absolutely not.”

They were adults, and additionally to that, two of the most respected demons all across the devildom. Them holding hands like frivolous adolescents would be ridiculous, preposterous even. If any of his brothers were to see him like this, they’d certainly laugh like the hyenas they were.

Certainly, Lucifer wasn't about to get embarrassed by him and Diavolo holding hands. Except for the fact that without any doubt, he was indeed feeling undeniably embarrassed.

He cleared his throat. “So, has inspiration finally struck hard enough for you to tell me what this is all about? If I recall correctly you mentioned this having been caused by another one of Levi's nonsensical ramblings?”

Diavolo’s eyes were still trained on their joined hands. He ran his thumb across the back of Lucifer’s hand and let his middle finger rub along Lucifer’s protruding knuckles. For a moment, he seemed lost in thought, unaware of the redness that was unmistakably dusting his friend’s neck and ears.

Lucifer, ever so aware of his body’s own reactions, suppressed them with sheer dedication and efficiency before his tired mind could come up with any more funny ideas.

He cleared his throat and forced his attention back to their previous topic of conversation, away from Diavolo’s beautiful -of course solely objectively speaking- fingers rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hands.

“So what sort of nonsense was Levi trying to convince you of?” he tried again. And in spite of himself, Lucifer caught himself suppressing a sigh accompanied by a shudder as Diavolo ran his thumb over smooth skin, turning it into a huff before the traitorous sound had even so much as a sliver of a chance of slipping past closed lips

Although he was known all across the lands for his professionalism, that didn’t mean he was unresponsive to outward stimuli. And no matter how easily exasperated he was by Diavolo’s lack of work morale, Lucifer had grown somewhat fond of the future demon king. Not that he would ever be caught dead admitting to such a foolish thing out loud.

“Oh, nothing much. He just mentioned it being a ‘sacred trope’, i think that’s how he put it, therefore I couldn’t help but feel tempted to try it out myself! So what do you think, Lucifer?”

Lucifer averted his eyes and successfully crushed the overwhelming feeling of sheer mortification daring to overtake his body.

Of course, Diavolo had been swayed by Leviathan’s absurd ramblings, overtaken by a morbid sort of curiosity he often liked to display as a born-to-be isolated from most of society. There was nothing more to it than that.

Lucifer untangled his fingers from Diavolo’s, standing up abruptly.

“This is not only a waste of my time, but also yours. We should get back to work now. There’s no reason to bother with this any longer.” Without any hesitation, he turned back around to the abandoned stack of paperwork sitting lonely by the fireside. He took a third of the work off the pile, placed a pen on top of it and pushed it into Diavolo’s lap, who blinked at him sheepishly for a moment. Diavolo then threw him one last look, which was glaringly obvious a pout, and let out one big, dramatic sigh. “You are incorrigible Lucifer, has anyone ever told you that?”

Lucifer allowed himself one last look at Diavolo’s almost cartoonish sulking expression before he averted his gaze from the playful twinkle in Diavolo’s eyes down to the way the fabric of his pants was stretching under the promise of girthy thighs and delicate skin, willing himself to come back to his senses before it was too late and he had officially lost all common sense. “Get back to work, Diavolo. You know I’m a busy man and neither of us have all day.”

He threw the demon prince one last stimulated look, calmed his heart, picked up his pen and started writing.

#my writing #obey me #obey me diavolo #obey me lucifer #dialuci #diavolo x lucifer #lucifer x diavolo #fanfic #oneshot #hand holding #fluff #i finally felt satisfied with this #been sitting on it for months!!#i actually posted this yesterday already but felt really insecure and deleted it again #won't do that now tho bc i checked it again and changed some minor details and now i feel good about what i came up with :)

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kagejima · 2 years

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Rae I need you to understand… when you see my other ask from whatever time earlier lmao… that I was unhinged and I am sorry I’m not sorry but that I desperately regret not saving that in my notes before sending it to you cause now I’m tryna remember all I said and I’m like… no it was good wanna read my own rant 🥺 but I can’t cause I did the dumb 🙃 But I hope that you deeply enjoy my rambles and if you would like to save that for Wednesday I understand 🥰

I love u bby ☺️💜

Kaze, I swear to god after I read it, being the absolute slut for [redacted] kink that I am, I was bouncing around my bedroom like a little pinball in a machine, okay fnndfndnfjd. Omw to send you a screenshot of it now so you can read it though! 😚 Oh god, my brain is mushy, I've read it like three times now 🥴

#🎤: crescentkaze is recording vocals

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hinagamoizaf · 3 years

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Odaiba Memorial Day 2021

My first Odaiba Memorial Day while being an active part of the fandom, and it’s high time I write an essay about my crackhead obsession with Yakari.

(*There will be some swearing & f-bombs in this post) As a kid, Yamato was like the ‘blue and cooler Taichi’ to me, like he doesn’t exist without being adjacent to the gogglehead. Also my family didn’t have the full Dark Masters arc in our CD collection, so I literally knew nothing about Yams’ emotional meltdown. But now, I adore this overly sensitive dork, and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. Maybe I’m biased in this reading, but I think Yamato has had to push himself to mature faster than his peers; and he’s very much a mini-adult at a young age. For all these grand monster battles, the main cast are still children; among them Yamato is a kid dealing with a lot of unresolved issues but he’s got a lot of heart, he’s passionate about those he holds dear but he just doesn’t know how to process this. Another thing that goes hand-in-hand with Yamato is the fact he’s a musician. Again, I could be reaching way into my ass here; but there’s this mumbo jumbo real life idea of the ‘depressed creative’, and Yamato works his way out of that dangerously romanticised label. The kid’s got a passion for music, he’s literally been playing the harmonica since Takeru was in diapers .Without spoiling DA:LEK, Yamato still holds onto that flame into adulthood but it’s not something he can actively work on; and that takes its toll. I love Yamato because he’s someone who cares so much about those around him and what he does; and he’s just a kid who’ sorting things out and wanting to better himself and well fuck, if that isn’t relateable. Even with the flaws that the Tri films have, I think it’s a natural progression for Yamato’s character journey. I see people saying how ‘they just turned him into a tsundere’ or ‘he’s so snappish now’. But seeing as most of the Tri cast are in High School and general teenagers are assholes to each other, yeah it’s not unreasonable to see why Yamato’s the way he is now. He didn’t lose his touch with the Crest of Friendship; when the literal world is up in flames, there’s still the same loyal and compassionate Yamato who understands the importance of being there for and with his friends. Yamato’s a big mushy boy who has a hard time conveying what he feels and his needs; Hikari isn’t any better and this was how I grew to love the concept of them being together. She’s not the Chosen Child of Light for nothing, Hikari’s symbiotic partnership with Tailmon is a very shoehorned metaphor of being an angel from Heaven and I absolutely eat that shit up. Fans have pointed out Hikari’s so mysterious with her role and powers as late member of the team, the same can be said for her personality. You see Hikari, you think ‘sweet, little girl’ and in part thanks to the 02 dub, she grows into being this sassy brat.

A brat who has trouble asserting herself and is prone to literally get dragged into an ocean of depression. Like any respectful human, Hikari cares for her friends and family; but a mixture of that and a tendency to devalue herself is Hikari’s fatal flaw. She’s too self-sacrificing to a fault, and this reflects the other extreme end of her crest. In my own overly pretentious words, I think Hikari has self-imposed on herself for ‘being the light of the team’; like she carries herself as a doll whose job is to bring others out of darkness when she’s still stuck in the shadows herself. Hikari doesn’t allow herself to verbalise her wants, let alone her needs because she doesn’t want to inconvenience others; she just goes with the flow and puts on a mask of toxic optimism.

I am aware this analyse could be me scraping the bottom of the barrel, but it’s how I interpreted Yamato and Hikari’s character; and now I’ll articulate my brain rot with how the fuck are these two being shipped.

You have these two people who already have this history and experience of being Chosen Children, but there’s also an underlying sub-connection of them being each other’s brothers’ best friend. As many Yakari fanfics have headcanon, it’s not unreasonable to think that Yamato’s at the Yagamis’ apartment frequently because A) Taichi is his best friend and B) The Ishida apartment is prolly empty ‘cause Hiroaki’s out being a workaholic. The Yagamis become the family that Yamato didn’t have growing up, and they welcome him with open arms. At their apartment, things are warm and rowdy, he doesn’t have to be alone with his thoughts and they treat him as a second son. Listen, I've been a diehard Takari shipper too, but I genuinely think Takeru and Hikari can be platonic soulmates. They know each other like the back of their hand, they’re cosmically entwined and their Digimon are in sync; they’re also legit a pair of best friends too. I know early 2000’s fics depict Yakari as being this big drama; but I have a weak heart and I’m here to say Yakari can be cosy and comforting and they’re just two idiots in love who need to be honest with each other.

I imagine their courtship not to be this grand display of fireworks and ‘the chase’, but a very subtle experience with slow burn. For me, Yakari is very much the first blossom of spring. They represent new beginnings and youth, the gentle lull of Mother Nature tending to the earth, something that’s natural but the routine has existed for centuries. Yakari is very much a gentle love, and with everything I’ve said about their characters; these two learn to embrace and nurture the other until they have a whole garden of spring’s blossoms.

This crackship has the surface-layer appeal of ‘brooding lone wolf’ and ‘sweet angel’, so when you peel the layers to find these two very private characters who just need that one-on-one reassurance/affirmation; this ship is a warm blanket of fluff and yes that’s basically the plot of my fics. It’s the charm of slice-of-life, the endearment of growing and improving yourself with the one you love with the occasional reminder that this is a series founded on puppies evolving into angels.

I’ve had enough of tragedies and melodramatic love affairs. I write about Yakari because as cliche as this sounds, I want more stories about ‘the light of friendship’. Yes that was a god awful line, but it captures why I have brain rot for this pair. To celebrate my first OMD, I have uploaded a special chapter on my AO3 fic titled ‘Mon ange’; it wouldn’t be August 1st if I didn’t half-hazardly work on this leading up to the big day. It couldn’t fit on Instagram, but this rambling piece is part of a bigger essay on my tumblr, so that’s also up and running. I hold Digimon near and dear to my heart, and I go about sharing that love by gushing about Yakari.

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enigmaticsal · 4 years

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I apologise for the person I'm about to become under this post. I am well aware that the Austin & Ally fandom might just be the most inactive one right now but I'm 5 episodes away from finishing the show entirely & wish to aggressively ramble & absolutely go bonkers about the song 'Stuck On You' by Austin Moon sung in Episode 10 of Season 3 titled 'Critics & Confidence'. I've heard this song on repeat for the past hour and my brain is a serotonin filled mess.

All the madness and screaming is located under the cut so enjoy if you like :))))))

credits to @/austinswoons for the gifs~

I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN CAUSE OF THIS GOSH DARNED MASTERPIECE OF MELODY AND LYRICS IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE. LIKE THIS SONG MAKES ME WANNA CRY MY HEART OUTTA ADORABLENESS AND WRITE LETTERS OUTTA MY HAPPIE TEARS CAUSE IT'S DESTROYING ME THROUGH AND THROUGH.

This is the only song that'll ever make me go all warm and mushy inside & lemme explain to you why through the lyrics :))))

"Okay maybe I'm shy but usually I speak my mind but by your side, I'm tongue tied."

The general tone he sings this entire song in, holy hera I need a serious breather cause I'm too soft. Someone hold me before I turn to a puddle of goo and before you have to collect me in a freaking jar 🙃

Like one touch and I will evaporate into thin air or turn into a pile of dust and fade away JUST SAYING.

"Now I'm singing all the words I'm scared to say."

PLEASE. HE IS TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS UNIVERSE LIKE I'M CLEARLY LOSING MY MIND AND OBVIOUSLY HAVE VERY STRONG AGGRESSIVE FEELINGS FOR THIS SONG BUT I DO BECAUSE IT'S SO PURE????? AND WHOLESOME???? AND SO VERY FLUFFY AND TOOTH ACHE AND DIABETES INDUCING????

'I'm hoping you feel what I do, cause I told mom about you, I told her.'

CAN YOU IMAGINE AUSTIN TELLING HIS MOM ABOUT ALLY AND RAMBLING WITH EXTREME PUPPY HEART EYES AND FANGIRLING ABOUT HOW SHE NEVER LETS HIM TOUCH HER SONG BOOK, THE PROUD LOOK IN HIS EYES WHEN HE TELLS HER THAT SHE FINALLY CONQUERED HER STAGE FRIGHT AND SANG INFRONT OF A CROWD, I WILL SCREECH. VERY LOUDLY.

AND THE CHORUS. LET US NOT.

"And like the night sticks to the moon, girl I'm stuck on you."

No words just 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥺🥺💔💔💔🥲🥲🤧🤧🤧 💔💔💔💔🤧😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🥲🥲🥲🤧🥺🥺🤧🤧💕💕💕💔💔💔💔🥺🥺💔💔💕💕🥲🥲💕💕💕💕🤧🤧🤧🤧

I mean COME ON, he calls himself out for being a perfectionist, talks about not liking rules and making his bed, flossing his teeth to keep them perfect, admits to being a workaholic and feeling at home on his phone. (WHICH SAME MY DUDE, SAME.) such honesty???

He is trying his best in this song to tell Ally that he still likes her in the most perfectly devastatingly cheesy way possible and I'm here for it with every single fibre of my mortal existence :)))

AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE SONG WHICH HELPS HIM GET OVER HIS SLUMP OF PANIC ATTACKS AND NERVOUSNESS AND GETS RID OF HIS STAGE FRIGHT AND BASICALLY MAKES AUSTIN BELIEVE IN HIMSELF- I'm truly the biggest mess rn :))))))

He looks at Ally like that throughout the ENTIRE song........lemme just 🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️

sighs ✨ young love ✨

He is so whipped and so am I. End of story. Goodnight it is almost 2 am 😎

#austin and ally #auslly #stuck on you #raura #austin moon #ally dawson #disney #critics & confidence #ross lynch #laura marano

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illyrian-lover-flower · 4 years

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My partner on four paws

Hi, @autophobiaxx - this is your second gift and honestly I am not quiet as happy with this one as with the first one.

But I still had my fun writing it, sipmly because it was something entirly new to me. The end might seem a bit rushed though ... I still hope you enjoy it😘.

Word count (note not included): 8. 382

“Sorry we are late. I had to call my other sister to give me a ride, because the one who actually wanted to drive me here is still stuck at the vet.” introduced a woman herself as she walked up to our table. Another one, that looked almost like her, close at her heels. A sceptical look on her face with which she eyed our little round.

Though most of her attention belonged to Rhys, who answered the kinder looking one with a blinding smile and sparkling violet eyes; “It’s fine Feyre, darling. We are just glad you and the lovely sister of yours have found the way to us.”

The one with the sceptical look only scoffed at him and took up the seat between Cassian and Mor, right opposite of her younger sister I would guess - by the assessing look she gave Rhysand. His form shifting uneasily as he moved to pull the chair out for Feyre.

Her storm grey eyes looked worriedly around between the group of people who sat at the long table. But those concerned eyes soon found peace as she saw Rhys violet ones. A calming gaze and a careful nod all she needed to feel safe and comfortable while the rest of us eyed her and her connection to our brother.

Cassian looked at her a bit sceptical, though he was always able to hide that well behind a smile. Amren, next to her, was fully aware of the sharp look she gave her. Letting our guest squirmed under the pressure of her silver eyes while Morrigan’s kind brown, almost gold, ones rested calmy on her. An assessing kind smile on her red lips as she took in the one that was in the middle of Rhysand’s attention.

I couldn’t really concentrate on her. On anything to be honest.

Though I do have to admit she looked kind and seemed to have somewhat of a chemistry with our brother, so there is probably no reason to be worried about her. And if she is the one Rhysand rambled on about the entire day when I had called him, to ask when exactly we would meet up, then she would surely be the right one for him.

His rambles honestly annoyed me at that point. The rambled apologies of a clumsy trainee still ringing in my ear when he started it too.

Three people in a day that rambled at me. One I barely knew, but didn’t like. My brother and a woman that had ran into me today and tackled me to the ground.

Those soft words she chose so clumsily still printed in my brain. The entire scene, from just two hours ago, replying itself over and over again in my head.

This mushy brain of mine having memorized every little freckle on her pale skin. The warm colour play of brown in those soft orbs of hers still catching my breath if I only thought about them. Gold, hazelnut, caramel and gingerbread swirling and chasing around in her Irises. A cosy feeling having settled into my guts when I had seen them.

“Good evening Ladies and Gentleman. What can I bring you for tonight?” suddenly called me out of my thoughts the waitress, that stood at our table. Luckily Mor was engaged in a lively conversation with the rest of the table that no one had time to look at the menu and pick something to eat, so we ordered our drinks in peace.

The absence of my attention luckily fallen under the table as no one noticed it.

‘This would become one hell of a long evening.’ I thought to myself, already rubbing tiredly at my eyes as I studied the menu. In the end I went with the same I always chose and let my mind wonder back out the window. My eyes seeing, but also not recognizing the heavy rain that poured outside on the street.

Couples with no umbrellas hurrying to get back home from a date or simply a walk, while those people with umbrellas walked calmy among the sidewalks. Crossing the streets and the fallen leaves of fall with a light easiness. Enjoying the drum of the rain on the fabric that kept them dry.

Red, blue, yellow, orange, dotted and striped umbrellas walking past the window of Rita’s.

‘I wonder what she is doing.’ ‘If she managed to get back home dry?’ ‘Had her puppy escaped her again?’

I long knew that my thoughts were a tousled mess. A net full of thoughts that kept circling around a woman I didn’t even know the name of while I occasionally tried to listen to the conversation. Knowing now that those who sat at our table were Nesta and Feyre Archeron. The oldest and the youngest of three sisters, their middle sister still stuck somewhere. At the vet if I remembered Feyre’s introduction right.

Who in their right mind is making an appointment with the vet at seven in the evening? Perhaps she was a business-oriented woman with little time - who knows. Feyre and Nesta, both, did not lose a word about her.

No name, no age, no mention of their middle sister as the evening aged.

Mor already all bubbly with Feyre as she admitted “I honestly had not thought that I would have the pleasure to one day meet my cousins Girlfriend.” she chuckled “Up until this point I had thought this one would die alone on his couch claiming ‘I have never met my soulmate!’”

Feyre only coughed at that while Rhysand seemed to shift around on his chair. Nervous violet eyes looking everywhere but his cousin. For a moment, so it seemed, he searched for help in my hazel eyes. Pleading me silently to do something about it, but I barely had anything at the tip of my tongue when I had a good day. With this bad day lurking above my head, I couldn’t think of anything to get the attention off of him and bring it to me.

The thought alone of all of their attention on me gave me the chills. So, Rhys needed to pull through that one alone.

A nervous gaze turned to Feyre capturing the attention of all of us. Even mine, if only for second.

“Feyre is actually my Fiancé...”

At this point I was actually glad I paid attention to them, because otherwise the wet spray of cola and red wine, that erupted from Cassian and Amren, would have confused me. But I guess one of the things that will make me remember this evening even in a year, were Nesta and Morrigan.

Both rising to their full hight, while Feyre and Rhysand seemed to wish for a hole that would swallow them whole. I luckily only had a quiet coughing fit in my silent corner. It was a fracture of seconds until the whole scenario escalated.

Nesta standing opposite her sister, like the iceberg that caused the Titanic to sink, with crossed arms, while Morrigan was the whole opposite of her. Where Nesta waited for her prey to defend herself and let her dwell in coldness until she did so, did Morrigan leap across the table and pulled her cousin up by his collar.

Her burning embers meeting slightly frightened violet eyes. “When the hell did you plan on telling us that?!” “Today.” he mumbled, slightly chocked by the collar his cousin had a death grip on.

The steel eyes of Nesta wandered for a brief second to Rhysand before she turned back to Feyre. Tired of her quietness she asked a question each of us wondered about “How long have you been dating anyway?”

“Will you let him go once I answer? Because, you know – I still would like to marry him soon.” Mor only scoffed at her cousin and shoved him back into his seat. Taking hers together with Nesta.

Fire and ice having a weird play with the nerves of all of us.

Though at this point I would say Feyre and Rhys had luck on their side, as Cassian still recovered from his coughing fit, else an embarrassing stream of questions would have flooded their way.

Amren –who had moved to the seat opposite of me- occasionally coughed in her glass of wine as she tried to get as far away from the lovebirds as possible.

“We have been dating sine one and a half year.” declared Feyre proudly. Earning herself a coughing fit from Cass again, who I started to smack on his back. Hoping it would go away sooner.

While Mor only sighed, “Why hasn’t anyone of you said something earlier? Because, like it looked to me, your sister didn’t seem to know about your engagement too.”

Nesta only chuckled humourless, answering Morrigan without her ever having asked a question to the steeled woman “When Feyre told me we would meet someone; I had been assuming it was her boyfriend. Not her Fiancé. She was fidgeting after all, so she gave herself away that it was someone important – though I hadn’t thought that important.”

Feyre only blushed as she found out of her sisters' knowledge.

‘I wonder, who is going to tell their other sister?’

But no one seemed to mind that. The table falling back into a comfortable atmosphere once Nesta and Mor took a sip from their wine goblets. Though Amren couldn’t bring herself to swallow down a snappish comment “Do we need to know about another year and a half, in which you had been engaged?”

“We are only engaged since yesterday!” yelled both quickly, easing the stiff rise of Nesta's and Morrigan's shoulders.

“That’s why you had googled ‘Ways to propose to someone?’” Rhys spat out his water at Cassian, gaping at him from the front of the table. His beloved Fiancé trying to surpass her giggles, while Mor and Amren had absolutely no problem with bursting out into laughter.

The dark and the bright one, of our group, turning their voices into a cackling symphony of laughter.

I myself not quite able to hide a quiet chuckle as I looked out of the window again. Rhys yelled question “What the hell are you doing on my laptop?!” the last thing I heard before fully focusing on the scenery in front of me.

It was quiet a lively picture, despite the late hour. Perhaps it was eight now and yet there were still hundreds of cars, their bright headlights getting reflected by the rain that soaked the bussy streets as they drove all around of Velaris. Occasionally I could make out a man or a woman at the steering wheel, talking into a headset while they drove to work or home.

‘I wonder as what she works?’

I found myself wondering again. A humourless chuckle escaped me as Amren kicked my shin carefully ‘I should wander what her name is.’

“Are you alright, Shadow?” she only whispered the question. Well aware that our group of friends would turn their attention immediately to us once they heard her nickname for me.

It symbolized them that something was very wrong and that I was about to become an empty shadow of who I actually am. Amren had found out about this pretty soon, though she never really pried.

I still can’t tell if she did it to tell me my guard was too low or if she truly worried about me.

A sigh was all I could give her as I rubbed at my temple. “You know, the usual hectic day at work. A broken-down printer, a trainee who spilled coffee over the few printed documents all the while I had my boss waiting in his office for an article that was due till yesterday.”

“Need a glass of wine?”

“No, I still got to walk home.” “I have to drive home.” she simply answered. Finishing her, perhaps, second glass of wine. Maybe it was already the third.

If it would have been anybody else than Amren, I would not be that calm with her having to say ‘I am driving home.’. Simply because I knew she could handle her alcohol well. Amren might have been the shortest one of us, but she could drink each of us under the table and still walk straight out the front door.

But she was a careful driver and I knew if she drank her second glass already, Varian would be on short call tonight.

Shaking my head, with a chuckle on my lips, at the black-haired woman. A sudden ‘ping’ captured the attention of the entire table. All our eyes going to the oldest Archeron who rummaged through her little purse for her phone. Not batting an eyelash at each of us as the phone kept her attention.

Cassian slowly leaned over her shoulder, to peer at the screen as a whistle escaped him and a sigh Nesta. She already wanted to put her phone away, when my other brother spoke up. “Why haven't you brought your kid with you?”

Feyre chocked on her wine, while her sister looked at him as if he had grown another head.

Weird, somewhere I had seen this look before.

“Excuse me?”

He pointed to Nesta’s phone. Her screen saver still on the view for all of us and soon had us all awing. Just not me as I saw the little infant on the screen.

Dressed in a red woollen dress with black woollen thighs and reindeer horns atop of her honey golden hair, she smiled into the camera. The chubby face of the infant all alight as red colour-that was once only placed on her nose- was smeared all across her face. A Golden Retriever standing proudly behind her, as it seemed to smile in the camera too.

A phantom feeling suddenly lay itself over my cheek. Memories of far forgotten times coming hurriedly back to the front, like a thunderstorm, as I felt it again. The soft nuzzle of her nose into my hollow cheek and her reindeer horns pinching me in the eyes.

My bandaged hands holding onto the little ball of sunshine. That gave a frightened six-year-old me, that hadn’t known of anything despite the basement of my father, something to hold onto.

This little body of hers, that lived in freedom for the year or so which she jumped around on this world, an anchor for me. Who suddenly noticed, that the world was more than just a dark basement and that there were more emotions than anger and hate.

Happiness seeming to wave off of her as she claimed me in a hug.

A hug.

When I was little, I hadn’t even known something like that existed. Now as I thought back to my childhood, my mother had given me a hug only a few times, before she was let in the basement again the next week with bruises all over her body.

It were three hugs I had gotten from her, before that little infant had stormed up to me.

My heart binding tight to her little ones as I held her cradled into my weak arms. I wasn’t able to hold her very well, those numb hands of mine barely able to keep her up. But I didn’t want to let her go.

Didn’t want for her to leave my side as she enveloped me in her sunshine.

A blinding sunray I held onto.

Even now I found my heart wondering at times who she grew to be. If she was still that little ball of sunshine, spreading happiness and love with every breath she took.

Wondering if the world gave her what she deserved - a life full of happiness and love and laughter So, it was only clear that I hung on every word Nesta spilled over her little sister, who was displayed as her wallpaper. The hard voice of hers the softest I had heard it tonight.

“That’s my little sister Elain you idiot.” Cass looked sceptically back and forth between the screen and Nesta. As if he couldn’t quite believe that such a bright shining ball of sunshine could be related to this steeled woman.

“And why exactly are you having a picture of your little sister as your background and not your boyfriend …. or a picture of all three of you?” he hurriedly added with a blush on his cheeks.

I wanted to groan at him for his painfully obvious question. But I couldn’t, my voice was stuck in the back of my throat as a tight feeling wound itself around my heart. The picture in front of me capturing my entire being.

‘Let her continue to talk! God damn it!’

The oldest Archeron only rolled her eyes at him. Seeming to have a generous heart tonight she gave him the answer he hoped for. “I don’t have a boyfriend and you might not want to believe it, but this background safes hundreds of co-workers each day, from getting yelled at.”

“May I ask why?” questioned Amren her now, her silver eyes fixed on the phone as she scanned over the chubby face that smiled at us from the screen. This stoned face of hers not showing any indication of what ran through her mind.

Nesta only raised her eyebrows at her before she fully explained herself; “My sisters are the best human beings in my life. And even though I love both dearly – the cuter pictures exist from Elain. Sorry Feyre for that.”

But she only shook her head, looking with a bright smile at the screen on which one of her older sisters was shown “I am not even angry at you for that one. She looks so adorable! Where have you found it anyway?”

Nesta seemed to think about if for a moment, her eyes not able to stray from her cute sister as this bright smile of hers seemed to remind the steeled Archeron of where she found it “I had rummaged through a couple of old boxes in my apartment and this picture was among the many things I found there. I just had to scan it in and use it as my wallpaper!”

All of us chuckled as we listened to the two sisters rambling on about their middle one. For the first time of the evening was the attention on the one that was not here with us now.

But Mor’s innocent curiosity had Nesta thinking, “How did Elain react when you showed her the picture?”

The oldest Archeron furrowed her eyebrows together, deep in thought as she took a sip from her wine; “When I had shown Elain the picture, she didn’t precisely have the reaction I thought she would have.”

“Which one did she have?” questioned Cassian again, remembering the oldest Archeron of his existence, so it seemed. As we were all drowned out of the conversation that erupted between the two sisters.

“I don’t really know. She mumbled something about a boy she had met that day. Or rather something about soft hands that held her carefully. I am not fully aware what she meant with that.”

Feyre only sighed at that. Rubbing her eyes tiredly only mumbling her next words “She sometimes has this.” “What, Feyre, darling?”

Rhysand’s eyes searched the one of his Fiancé with a worried look for answers. Those tired blue eyes of hers lightening up the moment they locked on our brother. Cassian and Mor exchanged some knowing looks, as if they knew about something the two of them didn’t.

Though there wasn’t really anything the two could know about at this moment. Their smirks fading as soon as Feyre’s heavy voice rang in our ears. It sounded so different than the voice we heard all evening, a cloak of sadness seeming to cover her. “Elain sometimes has these weird moments in which she sees …. things.” tried Feyre to explain.

Nesta only nodded at her while she continued. All of our confused gazes locked on Feyre’s slumped form “She - I don’t know how it works- sometimes sees these cryptic things she blabbers on about. Trying to explain to us what these things might be. But in all honesty, I don’t think these ‘Visions’ are good for her.”

“How so?” I found myself asking. The two Archeron sisters looking at me as if they hadn’t even known I sat at the table, who's atmosphere seemed to shift faster than the weather in April. Both of their blue eyes rested on my stiff body as they assessed if I had a right to ask this question.

My brain well aware of every breath my body took, but this traitorous heart of mine also wanted to hide those crippled hands of mine. Those screams, which escaped my tiny lungs so many years ago, ringing in my ears along with Nesta's cold words, though the coldness of them wasn’t directed to anyone at our table.

“Her ex-fiancé had left her, because of these visions.” A dry chuckled echoed over the table to us. Feyre meeting the eyes of her sister as a devilish smirk spread on her lips. Spreading this smile like a wildfire on Nesta’s as well.

A look of pride whelming up in her eyes while the rest of the table was just quiet. Hanging onto every word they exchanged.

“You mean he cheated on her, because of these visions. Elain was the one that broke off the engagement.”

Nesta took in a sharp breath “Yeah, after she showed up in the middle of the night at my threshold. Half drunken!”

Her younger sisters' eyebrows shoot into her hair line “She was what?!”

“Half- drunken.” emphasized Nesta again. “If she was only half-drunken, she clearly must have done something wrong.” mumbled Amren into her fourth wine glass. Earning herself a glare from the entire table.

“Why have you never told me this?! I mean - I know how the rest of the story went, so this isn’t really the most shocking part, but still! I have a right to know when my older sister is drunk!”

“I don’t think neither Elain or I know of the all the times you have been drunk.” was all her older sister deadpanned.

Something wild and burning rising in Nesta’s steeled eyes as Cassian dragged the attention away from Feyre, carefully asking them “How exactly did this fateful night go?”

The two sisters exchanged a short look with each other. Making all of us realize at this point, that if anyone was to harm their sister, they would break hell lose. Though it sounded as if Elain was capable of that all alone.

The story of her broken off engagement truly something no one of us would hear another time.

“Elain’s ex-fiancé, Graysen -” spat Nesta. The name alone wanting to make her throw up. “he had sent her into psychiatry for about two months. Neither Feyre or I had heard anything from her in those months. I guess it is unnecessary at this point to say that we were worried sick about her.”

“Why was she there anyway? I mean like it sounded there was no higher force, like a judge, that sent her there.” stated Mor. Cass, Rhys and even Amren’s head nodding in agreement at the train of thoughts she took. Feyre’s hollow voice would have been answer enough for us, but she went a little bit into detail.

“Elain truly loved Graysen and believed he was her one and only, so when he told her to check herself in for a psychiatry – she didn’t object at all.” “But doesn’t - ““It was a long-term ‘project’, yes.” interrupted Nesta the tiny woman, that looked mortified.

Never in my life had I seen her look like that. Looking with wide silver eyes and in shock at the oldest Archeron - the red wine in her small hands long forgotten, while she hung on every word of hers.

Smirking lips revealing to us all something we weren’t able to connect to the sweet little angle that was portrayed on the wallpaper.

Those delighted warm eyes of hers drowning in tears how Nesta described it to us.

“I still can’t tell if she was hurt or just furious – both I would guess- as I sat her in my car. She hadn’t spoken a word to me on the drive, only the next morning did she reveal where she had been and why she hadn’t reached out to one of us, she just got sent back home from psychiatry. Wanting to surprise her fiancé, who she thought would be incredibly happy about her return. She didn’t announce herself as she stepped into their apartment – the sounds of moans and grunts greeting her. She told me the first place she went to was a bar, not entirely sure if I, or Feyre ever wanted to see her again.”

Nesta took a final deep breath, “I wasn’t up there with her when she confronted. I just drove her there and honestly – I regret that I wasn’t with her.”

Mor paled as well as Cassian and I. Wild pictures ran through our minds that were clearly wrong. The pictures of an abused woman filling my mind, while she screamed for help. The other woman looking pleased down on her whenever her lover hit her.

A shiver ran down my spine, no one deserved that.

No one deserved to be cheated on and yet Elain was one of those who had rented bad luck in love for herself, though I don’t assume a cheater was what she wished would be her one and only.

But while we were all stuck to the innocent picture laying on the table, we all underestimated her as Nesta went further into the description of the evening, the proud smile she wore spreading onto my very own lips as I listened into her tale with delight.

“I was just able to see a bit. I had hoped she would throw his belongings out of the window. Though I already assumed Elain would hold him a speech about trust and loyalty that no one could understand as it was drowned out by her tears – she amazed me that night. There were no clothes thrown out of the window. She had cradled them in her arms and piled them on the grass in front of their apartment complex. The pile of clothes and mother knows what growing and growing. As she walked out the last time of the door– she had a canister of gas with her.

“Drowning everything in the smelly liquid as she threw a match on the whole pile. Watching from a faraway distance how his things got burned, like the future she imagined with him.”

Feyre and Nesta had, both, quite pleased looks on their faces as they remembered the doing of their sister. Amren looked like the devil herself as she took sip for sip from her goblet, Morrigan smirked along with her.

Rhysand was left speechless, something he rarely was, and Cass only whistled. Colour having drained from his face as Feyre picked up on the story again. “This isn’t even the best part yet.”

“It’s not?” questioned Amren and Mor in one devilish voice.

She only nodded. “After Elain had entered the apartment, she took Greysen’s hurriedly stripped off clothes and threw them at onto his sorry ass once she found him. Though she threw these weird leather shoes of his separately – letting them strike where she wanted them.”

Nesta had a pride filled look on her face as she took a carful sip from her wine. Those burning eyes of hers seeing things no one of us really wanted to think about.

“Feyre, darling, at what exactly did she throw them?” asked Rhys carefully. Sweat having started to coat him during their tale, probably growing well aware of the fact that if he ever was to hurt just one sister of the three – he was sure to lose some of his most precious belongings

I guess each of us had their own guess of where she threw his shoes, most of us tending to his groin, but Feyre and Nesta revealed something so entirely different, with such smugness that no one could surpass at least a little chuckle.

“His face. The next time we saw him he had a blue eye and a broken nose.”

It was well deserved I told myself as my mind strayed back out of the window. A proud smile displayed on my lips as I did so.

I knew I shouldn’t have listened so carefully, shouldn’t have wanted to know of what the absent middle Archeron had done. It was also wrong to have even just a little smile on my lips while I listened.

If she would have been here, it might have looked for her as if we were laughing about her while it was in truth the pain that was caused to this ‘Graysen’, that had us all smiling like devils.

Each one of us already well aware of a crippled kind of love that could hurt us, wishing the ones who caused it worse than hell.

A past lover of Rhysand having abused him while Morrigan forced herself to love men – not able to meet the blaming looks of her family. Letting herself wither each time a bit more when she brought a man home to her family.

And while these two suffered from toxic lovers, the rest of us suffered differently.

Amren having never experienced any kind of love before Varian as she was left on the streets – homeless and a crying infant in the middle of a park. Her mother, or perhaps both her parents, deciding for her to never know of their love. A nun had taken shelter on her, letting her stay as long as she wished. And even though this nun gave Amren everything she could – a home, food, warmth and a bit of love it was never what she would have gotten from her parents.

Deep down she knew that, her heart having suffered for a long time under this knowledge.

And while she had too less love, Cassian’s mother had gotten too much of it. Her lover having loved her with everything he had. This twisted mind of his wanting to lock the woman he loved, with his whole being, away from the world once he discovered she was pregnant.

She had run away while she was in labour with Cass, not wanting this locked away life for him.

No one of us could think of the pain she must have had as she gave birth to him in a park. Muffling her own screams from the strangers that walked past her hide-out. Rhysand’s mother had been one of them, she had heard those muffled screams and went to look for the one in pain.

I don’t really know how Rhys mother must have felt like as she saw the woman sitting with wide spread legs on the grass. The soft leaves of it painted red as she tried to muffle her own screams with biting into her arm.

Everything that followed on this incident was a blur, told me my mother ones. She said Cassian was thrusted into Cassandra’s arms. His mother had instructed her to go home and take him with her.

Rhys mother had argumented long with her to take her with them, but the woman tried to push her away. Told her if she didn’t move now, no one would be safe and everything would turn worse.

It was a heart-breaking story the newspapers soaked up, like a sponge water. They wanted to interview Rhys mother of what had happened, but she did not let a word slip. Though the salt was still pressed into this mental wound of hers. Her heart well aware of the fact that she couldn’t keep the last promise she made to the woman.

Knowing well that she couldn’t keep it. She had promised Cassian’s mother to come back, that she would have tomorrow and the rest of her life to live. But she wasn’t even able to reach tomorrow, her lover having found her in the same night.

Strangling her to death once he saw her laying there.

Up till this day I can’t tell how Cassian managed to smile again after he found out about her at the age of fourteen. The experiences I had with my own father leaving a bitter taste in my mouth whenever I thought about it.

It could have been my mother, I always thought. My mother that could have been killed as soon as someone found out that she was pregnant and I thanked the gods that it was only a life full of pain for a six-year-old me. That she seemed to be spared from it. So, I thought at least.

She was beaten down, just like me, whenever she was allowed to enter the basement.

But she – we- were able to get away from this pain, not without some scars though. Most were in our minds, while my hands screamed of those my half-brothers had left on me. Those crippled, numb hands haunting me for the rest of my life.

Luckily Elain was able to get away from this horrible life, I thought to myself. Looking out and realizing just how late it had turned, I wanted to look to my companions. But they were gone.

A note of Amrens handwriting everything that remained of them,

‘You looked so deep in thought that I guess it is time for you to use some quietness to sort yourself out again. Feyre and Rhys already paid for us, if you plan on sitting a bit longer you get to pay your drinks alone.’

I smiled at the little note, perhaps it really was time to get myself sorted out again.

After all, with the woman from today and Elain Archeron on my mind - combined with her story it was perhaps better to talk to my mother again. She always seemed to have a good advice for me, though I don’t really want to imagine her laughter when I am going to explain my troubles to her. Those so called ‘Lady troubles’ like she loved to call it haunting me down.

A groan escaped me as I looked out of the window again, seeing just for a brief moment a coated figure that ran across the street. Rounding the corner and soon entering Rita’s. I had noticed how a waiter moved to the lady that had entered and wanted to already take her coat off, but she declined.

The young waiter leading her with a confused look to my table.

“Thank you.” was all she whispered to the waiter as she ordered her food in the same breath, taking up a seat next to me once he was gone. My eyes strayed over her form as she sat all wet at the table, her face and entire body covered under a beige trench coat, the only thing I could make out of her was her large stomach – that seemed to wiggle?

“Excuse me?” I turned her attention to me; this petite form of hers growing stiff as she turned to me. A nervous chuckle, which I already heard once today, boring itself into my mind again while she pushed back her hood.

Those soft rosy lips smiling up at me once again. My traitorous heart starting to speed up by the mere look of her.

“Elain Archeron.” she exclaimed with an extended hand, the other one holding onto the bundle on her stomach she attempted to hide. “Azriel Dandelion.” was all I could answer with a slight rise of colour.

Those warm eyes of hers scanning my entire being for a moment before a small screeching had captured her attention.

A warm but scolding look was displayed on her face while she looked at the little snoot that poked out from her hide out. The wet tongue of the dog moving to lick Elain’s nose once she was close enough.

It was a cute scenario I witnessed with a bursting heart. After all, not all dog owners went that far as to disguise their puppy as a pregnancy only to not have her wait in the rain. “When are you due?” I found myself asking. Leaning smugly on my hand while she tried to shush Cookie.

I had been scolding me the entire day for the stupid question I had asked her about the puppy, that made her owner crash into me ‘Why did you name her Cookie?’ But she didn’t seem to mind it. Back then as well as now, she only smiled as if it had been stitched into her very lips.

Her heart not caring at all of what others thought of her.

“Well, Azriel, how long are the others gone already?” Gods! I loved how my name rolled of her tongue. This wildly beating heart inside my chest seeming to grow a tail too, as it kept wagging pleadingly at her to say my name.

‘This is embarrassing!’ I thought with a cough. “To be honest, I have no clue.”

It was a heart-breaking sad smile that settled on her lips as she eyed her puppy “Like I know my timing, they are probably only gone since the last ten minutes.” “Why would you say you have a bad timing?”

She seemed torn between something as she had a turmoil looking at me, those sceptic eyes again resting on me. Just like they did four hours ago, though this time she didn’t assess if I was hurt – due to her sudden crash into my chest.

And heart.

But then again, she didn’t just suddenly crash into my heart. Elain was there when I had discovered my freedom. The mere memory of her accompanying me up into adulthood. These oft giggles having never left my ears as they wound deeper and deeper into my heart each time, I thought about her.

Maybe it was the cosy feeling I always had when I remembered her freckles, those sleepy eyes as she was dragged away by the Golden Retriever, that smiled so proudly into the camera with her all those years ago.

“Well, I once had a bad timing for when I got back home.”

“That had nothing to do with your bad timing.” was all I could mumble, while her eyes still held mine captured. Her caramel ones locking with my hazel ones for the brief moment of seconds, before she declared a triumphing “Aha! I knew it!”

“What exactly?”

“Feyre and Nesta told you about my engagement.” Somehow, I felt ashamed as I nodded. I knew she would find out sooner or later anyway. But having her call me out that easily made me feel like the clumsiest kid that had been caught red handed in the cookie jar. A groan escaping me at the play of words in my mind, while she only giggled.

Cookies brownish snoot peeking up ever the slightest.

“Don’t worry about it. Nesta and Feyre, both, like to brag about my burst out.” I lifted a curious brow at that but she only continued to smile. Cookie barking happily at her once she saw this honest smile of her cheery owner.

“Shhh, you already had a good time of barking at the vet!” tried Elain to shush her little pup as the attention of the few guests was turned onto her. A grin breaking lose on my face while I could only eye her with fascination.

Love struck, like my mother would have said.

But I would care later about this. “How about we get your food as take out and eat at my place. Cookie doesn't need to hide there.” I simply put as reason a baffled look crossing her features.

This somehow confused look of hers worrying me to death. “That is if you want to!”

“ I would verry much like that.”

* * * “Azriel Dandelion! Could you give me one hell of a good explanation as to why I am here?!” yelled Feyre across the hospital floor as she dragged Cookie on a short leash behind her. The puppy, she had gifted her older sister over a year ago, having grown well over the months she was away with Rhysand. Traveling all across the court.

Cookies tail started to wag harder once she saw my worried form standing in the middle of a pink, sterilized hallway – right before a delivery room from which I heard Elian's screams.

Feyre’s snow coated body growing as pale as the flakes captured on her hood as she identified her sisters screams of pain. Letting the leash of Cookie fall down to the floor while she bolted for the door.

But my bulky frame locked it. Cookie’s large form to my side, that pleaded for attention, also preventing her from opening up that door. A look of confused rage crossing those blue eyes of hers.

“Azriel! My sister is in mother fucking pain! Let me in there!” “You think I am deaf? I hear her screams just as well as you do! And believe when I tell you these nurses aren’t patient!”

“What?” Feyre looked baffled up at me. A storm of questions, just as heavy as the snowstorm outside, displayed in her eyes. “I already was inside there, but the nurse shooed me out once I was about to have a panic attack – claiming I would make El more nervous than anyone else.” was all I could scoff before I bent down to scrap Cookie behind her yellowish fluffy ear.

Elain was right, when she told me of the therapeutical use – it really eased my nerves as I felt bits of the soft fur of her under this crippled flesh of mine.

Seeming to sense my thoughts, she gently nudged her snoot into my palm. Trying to calm me on her own way down, while she sat calmly on the floor. Feyre taking up a seat next to the door as we waited outside.

A frustrated huff leaving her exhausted body. Her teary eyes not looking at anything in particular “Can you give me at least an explanation as to why Cassian had been waiting for me in Elain’s apartment, shoved Cookie’s leash at me and told me I should go to the second floor of the hospital and look for you?”

It was readable as clear as day that Feyre was worried. Though she didn’t seem to have read the signs while she stormed up to me. “Have you checked the station you are on?”

Like Cookie woken up when she heard the doorbell, did Feyre hunt down for a sign. Just did she not seem to be able to read all those signs around the floor through her tear-stained vision. Dreading mother knows what while she ran around the station.

“Feyre! Look!” I simply pointed out to her the sign that hung opposite of me. Written in big fat cursive letters was: “Delivery room …" It was all she mumbled as she took up the space next to me. Some nurses eying us with shacking heads while they did their work. Clearly noticing the dog that lay to our feet, but not caring as long as she didn’t run wild.

Though I think the last thing Feyre had on her mind now were the nurses that hurried around like bees. The usual strong voice, with which she spoke, having become breathless. Her plate wide eyes looking up at me with a look, I couldn’t place my finger on. Settling down in her Irises, once she was fully aware that she had read my silent answers well.

“How did that happen?”

“Feyre, I think you are old enough to know of how babies are made.”

Well, that hit on the shoulder was a deserved one. “Now is not the time to be cocky Azriel! My sister is in labour!” “Well, if it helps – my fiancé is in labour.”

All colour drained from her as she hit me again on my shoulder, a bruise already forming there “I am gone for god fucking ten months and you end up sleeping with my sister and proposing to her! What else is there to know? Did Cassian and Nesta start dating too?!”

“Well, that is clearly not my story to tell.” The look she gave me made me feel glad that we were in a hospital. A doctor would always be close by, a nurse would be enough too to make a bleeding stop.

But a bark had captured our attention as the rest of the hospital turned quiet and made us save the rest of our argument for later. Elain's screams having long ebbed down while Feyre and I were shouting at each other, right in front of her delivery room. The small wailing of a new life was all we heard.

I think if we all would have had tails like Cookie, we probably would have cleaned up the floor better than any mop could have. Our nerves strained to the point of snapping while we waited for the door to open up. One of the doctors almost run down by the three of us, as we hurried into the room.

Tears blurring my vision as I saw my wife to be, cooing softly at our daughter cradled in her arms. This soft bundle looking so fragile in her arms as Feyre already stopped at the door. A long stream of tears escaping her eyes while Cookie and I moved to Elain’s side.

Eying the little girl carefully as I stretched out a hand to caress her tiny chubby cheek. The bubbly laugh on my lips something I had never before from myself. “She looks like you.”

Completely knowing where I was going with this, she carefully nudged my side. Love and a playful fondness laying in this silly gesture “You were cubby as a baby too.”

“Yet you still were the cuter one.” I found myself praising the woman I loved. Kissing her sweaty temple while a giggle erupted from her, making my already full heart bursting for her even more.

I think there would never be enough words in any dictionary, that could describe this whirling storm of feelings inside my chest. My heart already bursting when I thought of the future, the future I so long had hoped for but never thought of as happening to me.

Never have I had faith in myself when it came to love, never had I been thinking that I would one day hold a child in my arms. My – our child - as Elain carefully lay her into my bulky arms resting a bit before Feyre bombarded her with questions.

Elain answered every question of her sister with a kind smile as the night aged into the morning. The heavy clouds of the snowstorm making it impossible to see the rising sun. But there was no reason for the sun to rise – not anymore.

It was a selfish thought – I knew – but there was no reason for a third ball of sunshine to rise. While I had the two brightest ones cradled in in my arms already.

My loves blinding smile everything I needed to live for the rest of my life happily. Pampering her and our little one with kisses as everything made perfect sense.

Those ‘Visions’ that kept her awake many nights, made her live through hundreds of nightmares and her sobbing into the mornings – they connected her to me. Showed her pieces of my past, our combined past as she spoke of those soft bandaged hands, making us both remember of the day we first met.

Though I do believe it was hard for to remember, since she was only one, but our hearts seemed to have long called for each other. Knowing from the very start that this future would be awaiting us with open arms.

Our family. Perfect as it was – two aunts and two dorky uncles, with two bussy bodies of a godmother waiting for us. Cookie, with her brown dots on her fur just as unique as our daughter.

Her eyes - one soft and brown like those of her mother, while the other one was hazel, like mine.

Happiness brimming in both of them when she first showed us the world. Our world that would await us once we got back home. Our hearts already captured by her sweet giggles, that had both of us left in tears.

My eternal love and gratefulness for Elain, never enough to show her how much I thanked her. How much I wanted to know her that she was the one and only one that had captured my heart.

Expect for the little one cradled in our arms, but she seemed to already wrap our whole little world around her chubby finger. Cookies soft snoot nuzzling into her soft skin as she smelled her. Acknowledging our little girl already as part of her family.

Hopefully Cookie would not have the same habit as Elain’s dog so many years ago had – dragging her away by her collar as she hurried through the house with a tired Elain captured in her mouth.

Though I guess I would not mind it. Cookie already seemed to have a problem with Feyre approaching us – which had her laughing and moving swiftly out of the door. Most likely calling Rhysand on the news.

Declaring with a goofy grin that they became an uncle and an aunt – their family having just spread a bit wider. As all of us sat around the Christmas tree the next week, our little Soleil finally among us, while we were all gathered in our little, perfect apartment.

Her bussy bodies of a family gushing and aweing at the pregnancy pictures of her mother, that beamed through each of them like the sun herself.

A proud smile never leaving her soft lips – which I found myself chasing more than often in the past week. Not able to control this sheer force of love that seemed to make me throw myself at my beloved, whenever I saw her.

The melodyic giggle of her, accompaying me through everything life threy our way.

______________________________________________________________

So I hope you liked this one: I hope you don’t mind the use of name in this one😘

When I wrote this I at first thought to myself ‘Shit! How do you write about a dog person?’ well it wasn’t that difficult anymore once I saw those cute little puppys.

I am now officially cheating on my cats since the last ten days😅

Anyway, here is your hint for tomorrow: It’s turning classy.

#acotar secret snowflake #elriel #elain archeron #soft az #feysand #mentions of nassian #elain x azriel child #mention of abuse #the inner circle #amren and az friendship #elain x azriel

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tarantulas4davey · 4 years

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okay hi??? thank u for appreciating the space nerds????? i just love em a lot ok me al and rai worked really hard on the nasa au (we did not. we talked about it for like an hour and half of it was specs committing race slander but it's honest work)

feel free to ✨share ur thoughts with the class✨ about it anytime you want cause i am absolutely Useless when it comes to this au, i am clueless to anything that doesn't revolve around theatre or greek mythology (you can imagine how hyped i was about hadestowm lmao) so nasa is,,,,,,, a little out of my limits,,, but i did it for ralbert cause they deserve it

interesting thought tho. i should make a greek mythology au.

yea that's all thank u for being cool :)

omg hi !! i absolutely adore it !! i write kind of a lot for them, obviously, but i just get like,,,,, SO hype about aus and well done stories and things. i’m a simple being with simple needs and the space nerds au fit thats beautifully 👏

im like,,,,,, a very lowkey space nerd?? i’m a HIGHKEY theater and greek myth nerd (that au IS a thought you should act on cause that’s ✨✨) but most of the thoughts my brain thunk up is just,,,, cute ralbert things cause i get REALLY hyper focused on them tbh

ofc ! ik people saying nice things about my work and stuff when thats genuinely what they’re thinking is always encouraging for me to keep writing (even if i wouldn’t stop writing if everyone hated it cause ✨i cannot stop talking✨) but yee. you’re always so sweet about my writing so i though i’d share the appreciation :)

if you haven’t yet, go read the original post here cause i love it,,,, like a lot :)) so yeah <3

alright to it’s time to ✨share the thoughts with the class✨ cause there’s a lot of them

- so,,,, nasa hasn’t exactly figured out intergalactic cell phones yet, obviously, but because they both work at the same place (in almost the same job, albert just goes into the field and race works from the office, so to speak) albert can send little video diaries for race and race can send little home updates for al so they’re not COMPLETELY out of the loop when they see eachother again

- the same way that albert seemingly doesn’t understand basic geography, race shows al a picture of him and the night when he finally comes home like “babe i think you blinked” and albert’s brain full of constellation knowledge just short circuits like “i- that’s the big dipper wha- wrong side of the planet hon 🤚” like he didn’t JUST send picture of him and africa like ‘your hair looks weird in this one’ dhshdhd

- as we’ve mentioned, they’re disgustingly cute. every person not in a relationship of some kind vaguely avoids them for at least a week after al gets home cause they’re just SO mushy. luckily most of their friend group is either ace/aro or in a relationship so it’s not too bad, but even they can’t always handle the ridiculousness that IS ralbert right after al gets back

- albert was interviewed by some fancy magazine because,,,, hes an astronaut, hello??? and the whole thing was basically just him rambling about race. he mentions him no less than 12 times, goes on a tangent about how they both work at nasa but have been together since way before that, and generally just how in love with him he is. the headline is something super gross and annoying about al being the first openly gay astronaut and al acts like he didn’t know what happened but specs was in the room and he’s like “👁👄👁 you talked about actually BEING an astronaut for 5 minutes before you got sidetracked by the idea of race’s face.”

- race still gets his work done, but specs is honestly impressed by race’s ability to just,,,,, miss his boyfriend for 6 months every year. for the first month or so he’s nearly inconsolable but throws himself into his work, even if it’s not as well done as when al is home. and then he’s just vaguely sulky for the next 4 months, and only gets super race-like and energetic when he gets video diaries from albert. and for the last month he straight up doesn’t sleep for most of it cause he’s too excited for al to be home but also so DONE with waiting to see him again. he’s an extrovert and has been around albert almost his entire life, he genuinely isn’t the same when he’s not around.

- race is in albert’s phone as ‘my home’ and albert is in race phone as ‘my star’ and i hate them both in the most loving way possible. also as much shit as they gave the other for those pictures, al’s lockscreen is still race and the big dipper, and race’s is still albert and africa.

i think that’s all i got for them for now, but i’ll probably think up some other things about these guys at some point cause i just,,,,,, adore them. thank you so much for like,,,, creating this and asking me to share my thoughts cause i love them and have many thoughts about stuff like this all the time ✨

#newsies #livesies #racetrack higgins #albert dasilva #never not read the tags #ralbert #spam ralbert gang #space nerds tag #they !!!!#nasa ralbert #i would die for both of them in a heartbeat #chandler’s ✨losing it✨

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ezrasarm · 4 years

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Fanfic Writer Appreciation Day

I know, I know, I’m a little late to the party but I spent all of yesterday trying to actually finish and post a fic for once so I’m hoping you’ll forgive me for the delay 😂

Part 1 - THANK YOU!!!

(yes there are multiple parts to this so strap in)

I would like to start off with a huge thank you to those of you who thought of me and tagged me in those beautiful heartfelt messages! @a-seeker-of-imagination @adikaofmandalore @lola-wolf @agirllovespasta @oloreaa @din-damn-djarin @littlevodika @mrschiltoncat @cinewhore and @mindless--ramblings @plexflexico @imalovernotahater I’m looking at all of you 👀

I was just talking to @din-damn-djarin and @chaotic-noceur this morning about how theoretically (although heaven knows this isn’t always the case) writing should be something we do for our own enjoyment. To blow off steam, to let our imagination run wild, to have some form of creative output in our life, to feel productive, to make yourself happy, to make other people happy, etc. Whatever your reasons for writing, your own enjoyment of the process and content should be very high on that list. It’s very easy to get dragged down the rabbit hole of fixating on the number of notes and reblogs and comments we get on our work. And that’s great! If we’re gonna post this stuff it is endlessly gratifying and humbling to receive validation and appreciation for the hours upon hours of work that we put into it for absolutely no charge. But it’s not everything. It’s moments like these that remind me why I keep coming back. Knowing that I have a network of amazing, talented and supportive writers and readers, mutuals and friends who look forward to hearing from me and what I’m making next. That was never something I expected to gain by starting this blog but I am endlessly thankful to all of you for it.

Okay I think my point got away from me and I just wound up turning into a big mushy ball off feelings but what I was trying to say was thank you so much for your support because none of us are under any obligation to give or receive it but it sure does make things seem a whole lot more worthwhile when we do.

Part 2 - Right Back Atcha!

On to the second portion of this post! Screaming at you all about how talented you are!

@vercopaanir The Lovely Moons

TLM was among the first fics I read when I joined this fandom and I have loved every bit of watching your characters grow and overcome new challenges in every sense of the term. Every time I sit down to read a chapter I’m astounded by the professionalism and artistry you use to maneuver your craft because you are an artist. Reading it feels like it should be an actual print book that I can hold in my hand and turn pages in and write notes in the margins of all my favourite parts (’cause there are a lot). To think that you are author, editor and publisher all on your own while working still working blows me away!

@chaotic-noceur Scribbled Ink, To Be Human, Stanley

What can I say Kay? You write angst like no other. You are truly the angst queen but then you came along and you pulled a stunt like Scribbled Ink and excuse me? Who gave you permission to be both the queen of fluff and queen of angst?!?! You write such beautiful, heartfelt stories with concepts that are so raw and emotional and real and you do it with such finesse! I am constantly in complete awe of your writing!

@din-damn-djarin Find My Way Back To You, (Not So) Secret

Ploots, you magnificent bastard (there I said it)! I know you don’t believe me but I really do mean it when I say I love everything you’ve written with a passion. You come up with such astounding fic concepts and you characterize all the characters you write for so beautifully- I mean Frankie in FMWBTY??? You kept all my favourite parts of him but then you made him your own and it was astounding. I love that you’ve given me the privilege of being a part of your writing process and I have so much fun working on your fics with you!

@littleferal First Time Sleeping* Together

This series is bringing me life! I know I’ve already screamed at you but I love that you’ve looked at this very suggestible topic from the most innocent of viewpoints and explored the other forms that intimacy can take. That and they’re all just insanely cute and soft and fluffy and I love them!

@oloreaa Orbit

Rea!!!!! Our adopted tumblr child (except you’re not a child)! Somehow everything you write manages to be so soft and so cute and so fluffy it makes me feel like I'm about to spontaneously combust! You write Din cuddles for crying out loud! What more could anyone ask for than our big beautiful tin can to wrap them up in his arms and never let go? You write these moments with such a warmth and softness and intimacy thats hard not to fall in love with.

@starryeyedstories All Of Me

I still can’t get over how beautifully written All Of Me is! It just does things to me! It will always be way up at the top of my list of favourite Din fics! Your writing just makes me want more and I am seriously considering rewatching all the Star Wars sequels so I can read all your Poe stuff now. It is that good!

@aerynwrites What They Don’t Know

I don’t know what you did but I blame you entirely for my love of Paz Vizla now. It is seriously all your fault (and I love you for it). You are an amazing writer! Simple as that and you have so much beautiful content that I have yet to read. What you do for this fandom does not go unnoticed!

@agirllovespasta Masterlist

Yes. Yes I am aware that I’ve just linked your entire masterlist but it’s simply because I want everyone to read everything you’ve ever written. I love you and you are talented and amazing even if I don’t remind you of that as often as I should!

@tintinwrites Unspoken

I will admit I haven’t read a whole lot by you yet but of what I have read I love the way you weave your sense of humor into everything, it doesn’t fail to bring a smile to my face. The sass in unspoken killed me and I’m still not over Din talking to the kid.

@alwaysbethewest A Light In Your Eye

You are SO. FREAKING. TALENTED. You get that balance of sentimental and playful so perfect and it makes me feel things! Your characterizations are on the nose, the way you describe settings to set the atmosphere of the scene is amazing and your imagery makes my brain explode a little. You’re an artist.

@dindjarindiaries Bittersweet

If someone asked me to site one blog to get a good taste of this fandom I would without a doubt point them in your direction. You write so many of my favourite characters and you write them so. damn. well. I love seeing you pop up on my dash- which reminds me I just saw that you updated Bittersweet but I haven’t had time to read it since and it’s driving me a little crazy.

@a-seeker-of-imagination Masterlist

Alright, so admittedly I’m awful and I haven’t actually read anything you’ve written yet but you’ve got a Peaky Blinders fic I’ve got my eye on and you write for Pedro so I’m eager to do so! I can already tell you have such a passion for writing that anything you’ve written is bound to be amazing!

There are so many more of you who deserve love and appreciation and recognition and I sincerely apologize if I have missed you out of this list but my brain is a mess and I have trouble keeping track of who has written what a lot of the time!

Part 3 - An Announcement Of An Announcement

This is me announcing that I will be announcing something fanfic writer appreciation adjacent... soon (actually I’m announcing a number of things soon) so you should keep your eyes peeled 👀👀👀

#fanfic writers appreciation day #fanfic writer appreciation #writer appreciation

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casper-writes-stuff · 5 years

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Puppy Love

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22438411#main

Summary: Virgil really loves his datemate. They just... They make him feel really soft and mushy inside, and he really doesn't care what that does to his edgy reputation with roommates.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAX!!! Here it is, a moxiety fic based on our relationship and the feelings it makes me feel!!! I kept Patton's nationality ambiguous so you can decide where he's from, but they are pretty heavily based on you <3

(obligatory @max-is-tired yes, I know your birthday is tomorrow. It is being posted today.)

There was something Patton did when Virgil was in call with them. It usually ended in his heart turning into total mush and his stomach fluttering and all that gross gooey stuff. Hell, when they were in call together and Virgil was alone at home, he usually ended up laughing more than he ever would with his roommates in the same proximity.

Patton just… their smile was all they had to really do to send Virgil’s heart flipping. A laugh was all he needed for his stomach to try and take off without him. A pet name usually ended in Virgil uncontrollably telling Patton he loved them without any brain to mouth filter.

But… none of those things were what sent Virgil over the moon every single time they talked. It was the way they talked to him, all soft and understanding. The way they got excited about their interests that Virgil could barely keep up with. The way they looked at him like he was their entire world.

Really, Virgil had a lot of things that would have him lay on his bed after a call and giggle his heart out because he just… loved them so much. He felt really out of character whenever he interacted with Patton, but if Remus or Ethel weren’t home, he really couldn’t care less.

Just… Once Patton had gone out with friends and they’d gotten so wasted and Virgil was worried, yeah, but they were allowed to have their own fun so he didn’t really say anything about it.

But the fact that, even when absolutely sloshed, Patton’s first thought was telling Virgil they loved him had Virgil’s heart melting again. They’d said they wanted to fight the ocean that night, and it was so cute Virgil couldn’t help but tease them about it.

When Patton had woken up later that night (because Virgil already dealt with insomnia, but now that he had a datemate who lived in the European continent his sleeping schedule was even worse) they’d been so embarrassed by their rambling and all Virgil could do was tell them they’re adorable cause they were.

The point was Virgil was seriously in love with Patton and he hadn’t even gotten to see them in person yet. Sure, he’d been dating them for a few years now, and Virgil has definitely sent them several gifts that they returned the favor on, but sometimes he would just sit in bed late at night drowned in insecurities that maybe Patton deserved someone who could actually hug them and cuddle them and love them in all the ways Virgil physically couldn’t.

And then Patton just… showed up on his doorstep a week before Valentine’s Day and Virgil didn’t see them until he was teased by Ethan to “get the door Virgil, I’m sure you’ll hate what’s waiting for you.”

Virgil had frozen with the door wide open, his eyes practically popping out of his head when he saw his datemate standing there with a broad grin.

“Virgil!” they said excitedly, accent thick and oh fuck that sounded so much better in person than it did over a voice call.

Virgil dove at Patton wrapping his arms around the smaller person while they giggled and returned the hug enthusiastically. He buried his face in their hair, breathing them in because they were here and that was almost impossible for him to believe.

“You’re here? Patton holy fuck?”

Patton buried their face in Virgil’s chest, still laughing in delight.

“I am! I wanted to surprise you for Valentine’s Day, and I finally managed to save up enough for the trip!”

Virgil was laughing now, half in disbelief and half pure giddy happiness. He didn’t even care that Ethan and Remus were probably watching from inside and he usually tried to be as edgy as possible around them because they were both insufferable about teasing him with feelings.

“How long have you been saving up for this?” he asked, breathless in awe because this was his datemate in his arms holy fuck.

Patton hummed, pulling back so they could look up at Virgil. Upon seeing the happy tears spilling from his eyes, they moved their hands to his face to wipe at them with their thumbs.

“Quite a while, honestly. And I had to bring Roman and Logan with me to help split the cost of some of the expenses, but they’re both pretty excited about being in a new country.”

Virgil was grinning broadly at his datemate, casually pushing their glasses up their nose because they always slipped down their nose until the frames were barely hanging on their ears.

“God, I can’t believe you’re right here? Holy shit, Patton? Oh my God, I am touching you and you’re here and not on a screen and fuck I love you oh my God.”

Patton’s grin was almost blinding, and Virgil really didn’t know how he managed to keep himself from kissing them until now, but it didn’t matter when they were actually able to kiss as much as they wanted until Patton had to go back.

“How long are you staying?” Virgil asked, pushing their foreheads together as he watched Patton’s dazed grin and shining eyes stare at him like he was their world.

“...What?” they asked, blinking until their gaze was more focused.

Virgil snickered, repeating his question patiently.

“Oh! Two weeks, it was the most I could manage and Logan’s gonna be helping me study a lot when we get back.”

Virgil brushed their noses together, Patton giggling at the sensation.

“Damn. I was hoping you’d say forever,” he whispered, thumbs idly brushing over Patton’s cheeks.

Patton, grin soft and loving, brought a hand up to push Virgil’s own closer to their face.

“One day, Vee. But I gotta finish college first.”

Virgil sighed, but nodded. He pressed another kiss to their lips before straightening.

“Alright, we only got two weeks then, anything you wanna do first?”

Patton beamed at him, then leaned to the side in order to look inside the house.

“Well, why don’t you introduce me to your roommates! They look awfully interested that I’m here.”

Virgil let out a loud groan, turning to glare at his roommates.

“You guys say one weird thing about me and I’m changing the locks when you’re out of the house.”

He may only have two weeks with his datemate, but he was going to make it the best two weeks of their lives because getting to see them and have his heart melt for their cheery smile and be able to kiss them like he wanted to do every time they snapped their fingers to think of a word was sending him over the moon.

Neither of them were going to come down from cloud nine for a while.

#jo writes #sanders sides #ts virgil #ts patton #ts remus #ts deceit #moxiety #nonbinary patton #long distance relationship #deceit and remus are like #barely there

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aliciavspinnet · 8 years

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um hi so i’m (just under) 50 away from 2k and it’d be ya know kinda cool if i could get there sometime (soon)... and yeap that’s my story (thanks for listening reading) (*awkwardly shuffles off stage ur screen*)

#text #kate rambles #sry i am tired #and have been stuck with followers for a lil while #yeahhh #also since this is a kate rambles post #lemme ramble about the wonderful night i had #and also tell u how my friend and i brought ciders from the supermarket #and were dumb enough not to look and see if they were twist off #adn then tried to pry them open cause we didn't have a bottle opener #and i had to ask this guy for one #what a quality time #also it was just good to see her again cause we hardly catch up adn she lives far (ish) away #and basically i love her a LOtttt #she;s one of those friends who u just click with and then it's amazing and perfect #i am stopping cause my brain is tired (and clearly mushy)#brackethoes #u can read thro my rambles cause ur all shitposters anywa #y

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ohtheseboysilove · 5 years

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#1 [Joe Mazzello x F!Reader]

Words : 1, 200 K +

C38 & C42 : “I’m in the hospital.” + “Oh, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.”

"I hope you have a good excuse this time Pumpkin" Joe chuckled as he answered your phone call.

He wasn’t surprise that you were running late, you were always late. All the damn, your mind was always lost somewhere in the clouds resulting for you to forget your plans for the day. And today wasn’t very different, you were supposed to meet your boyfriend twenty minutes ago in this cute little café not far from where he had an interview earlier but once again you were running late.

"Yeah, my excuse is pretty good this time" You muffled with pain, god, it was hurtful to even speak. "I’m in the hospital"

"What ?" The ginger jumped from his seat and threw some money on the table, probably way too much for a single coffee but right now he didn’t care at all. "Are you okay ? What’s happened ?"

"I’m fine Joseph, I’m on my way back home. I just...had a little incident this morning at the swimming pool, that’s all" You whined as you entered the first taxi you could find. "I’m sorry I miss our lunch"

"Shut up, I don’t care about this lunch Pumpkin ! I’m really freaking out right now, tell me what happened ?" The American opened his car and put the phone on speaker, immediately driving through your shared flat, his stomach twisted with anxiety.

"I didn’t mean to scare you baby. I...I just fell and broke my nose" You winced as you closed your eyes, your broken nose was throbbing painfully the more you moved your facial muscles. "You know how clumsy I am, I slid in the shower after my training and fuck it’s hurt"

"Jesus Pumpkin, you almost gave me a heart attack" Joe cursed as he felt slightly better, it could be worst. Especially with you and your maladroitness. "I’m at home in ten minutes, are you almost there ?"

"Yeah, I almost here" You murmured, trying your best to limit the aching in your nose but it was useless. You get out from the cab and slowly made your way to your flat, the painkiller that the nurse gave you making you sleepy. "See you baby"

You hung up and opened the door, immediately greeted by our and Joe’s cat, Murphy. After some good patting, you went straight to your bed, falling heavily on it. What a day. You wiggling your way under the cover, shoes kicked off and sighed deeply when you head rested on the fluffy pillow. Fucking finally.

"Pumpkin ? Where are you ?" You smiled softly as Joe’s voice, warmth spreading in your system at the thought of his presence.

"Bedroom" You managed to yell back and your smile widened when his cute face popped up in your sight. "Hi baby"

"Can I switch on the light ?" The ginger asked as the room was completely dark.

"If you promise you’re not gonna laugh at my ridiculous face" You muffled with difficulty. Your nose and around were all swollen and red, a big white plaster covering it. Your eyes were also puffy from all the crying. You looked everything but glamorous.

The American bit his lips and nodded silently before switching on the light and crouched at your level, next to the bed, his hand falling on your covered thigh. He winced at your wet cheeks and twisted features, pain visibly painted on it.

"My poor Pumpkin" He cooed as he pressed several pecks on your knuckles, his heart sinking at your glassy eyes. "Look really painful, tell me what I can do"

"Gimme a kiss” You puckered your lips with pleading eyes, your fingers tugging on his shirt to bring him closer.

Joe carefully lowered and tilted his head, giving you a chaste kiss. The position was awkward and uncomfortable as he was trying to not touch your nose, putting his head in a ridiculous position. The kiss continued, gentle and soft until he broke it, his hand reaching his aching neck.

"No more kiss for you Pumpkin, I’m all sore" He chuckled and slowly moved his neck, a loud and satisfying creaking echoing from his movements.

He moaned at the feeling and you couldn’t swallowed back your giggles at his funny face. But as soon as you laughed, tears escaped your eyes from the painfully throbbing on the middle on your face.

"Shit, don’t make me laugh Mazzello, it’s hurt" You sobbed with a strangle voice, each breathing hitting right on the most aching part of your broken nose. "Stop with your funny face !"

"So sorry Pumpkin, I’m not doing anything, that’s my normal face !” He replied with a hidden grin, the urge to laugh at your half crying half laughing features was really deep but he didn’t want to cause you more pain. "Come on stop crying, please. You know I cry when you cry" Joe murmured as he felt his own eyes watered without any control.

You stifled a sob and instead a strange and funny noise echoing though your broke nose making you both snorted like dorks. More tears fell on your cheeks, you didn’t know if it was from the pain or from the ridiculous situation.

"Joe no" You pleaded when you saw his cheeks becoming wet. He let out a small whine and you felt your heart melt. "Oh, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.” Your fingers smoothly stroked his messy and wild ginger hair that you loved very much.

"I know but I can’t stand you being in pain" He chuckled between sobs, his hands rubbing furiously his eyes. His head ended on your thighs after he crawled on the bed, thumb caressing your skin lazily. You moved your hand to his pink cheek, both of you slowly calming down after this ridiculous but cute situation. “You look fucking adorable right now”

You playfully slapped his shoulder as you did your best to keep your tired eyes opened. The painkiller was definitively kicking your ass off but you couldn’t stop staring at Joe, his cute sleepy features for once were relaxed.

“Shut up dork, I’m not adorable, my face is all swollen like if a thousand bees sting right on my nose”

“Technically you would be a bit dead if a thousand bees had sting you, Pumpkin” You rolled your eyes and Joe stuck his tongue out childishly. “But I mean it, you’re really look adorable. All the time, it’s unfair”

He dropped a light kiss on your clothed stomach with a goofy smile.

“Maybe you need glasses then Mazzello” You murmured lazily, the tiredness was crashing on you by waves, your eyelids heavier at every second. “’m sleepy baby”

“Then sleep Pumpkin, you need to rest” He whispered back as he carefully slid next to you, interlacing your legs. You couldn’t put your head on his chest, not with your throbbing face so you rested on your pillow, simply looking at Joe with loving eyes. “You need to close your eyes if you want to sleep (Y/N)”

“But you look so pretty right now” You replied with a slushy voice, your mouth feeling heavier than usual to form words.

“Alright Pumpkin, I think the painkillers are really working now” He chuckled quietly and reached for his phone, clicking on the recording button. “My little high pumpkin, how cute are you like that”

“My brain felt all mushy, I think it’s melting...”You rambled and talked nonsense for few minutes before muffled snores escaped your half-open mouth, bringing a smile on Joe’s face.

He couldn’t resit to take a picture for his instagram “@yourinstagramaccount my clumsy dork broke another bone today #whoisevensurprise

#joe mazzello x reader

48 notes · View notes

jbuffyangel · 6 years

Text

A Better Future: Arrow 7x15 Review (Training Day)

Look out for Episode 7x15!!! She came out dancing like, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”

There are so many goodies I don’t know where to start. Well, obviously I know where to start. We’re going to obsess over every detail. But first, I must ask if anyone survived the 7x16 promo? Cause I didn’t. This is Ghost Jen.

Let’s dig in….

Olicity

This pregnancy is waaaaaaay more fun now that Oliver knows. Seriously this episode is straight out of fanfiction.

Oliver mostly just wants to feed Felicity things I can’t even pronounce.

What the heck is a tartine and who sautés broccolini? You know what? I don’t even care. Oliver can cook whatever he wants as long as he’s naked. Yes, those are the marital provisions. You may turn to page 21 in the marriage contract if you need proof. It’s in bold.

Source: olicitygifs

See guys? We’re not the only ones quietly unnerved by fully-realized-Jesus-like-superhero Oliver. He’s giving Felicity the wiggins too.

When was the last time Oliver took orders from anyone? Nope. You can’t say Felicity. She’s the wifey and pregnant. I feel extremely confident if she asked Oliver to nuke a country he’d do it and then roast her a turkey over the fires of destruction.

Oliver is going the extra mile with the SCPD because he wants the partnership to be legitimate for “our baby.”

Is there anything sexier than Oliver talking about the incubating human he put in his wife? NOPE THERE IS NOT.

First time I died. Yes, we’re numbering it.

Immediately, Oliver mentions William and his reasoning for listening to the SCPD’s buffoon orders is understandable.

Oliver missed out on ten years of William’s life and being a vigilante hasn’t made their present day relationship any easier. Re: William got the hell out of dodge and is living with the most evil grandparents in the world. Come on. We know they are kinda evil. WHO ERASES A FATHER’S PHONE MESSAGE? At the very least they are hyper helicopter grandparents, which is a hop, skip and a jump away from Evil Town.

Oliver is extremely glass half full right now.

I guess this is what happens when THE PRINCESS THAT WAS PROMISED is about to arrive. I love Felicity’s mildly exasperated expression as Oliver’s waxes poetically about this partnership. Listen girl, you turned him into this big pile of mushy rainbows. Not us.

Source: olicitygifs

Does anyone else scream, “SPOILER ALERT: EVERYTHING IS AWFUL IN THE FUTURE!!!” every time Oliver talks about making the city safe for their children, so they can live in Star City and be happy? No? Just me? The dude deserves a heads up. The writers sure aren’t giving him one. It’s like salt in an open wound whenever Oliver dreams of Star City becoming Disney World 2.0. WRONG SHOW OLIVER.

This is the show where the writers bludgeon us with misery and only give us joyful moments as a brief respite from our pain and sorrow.

Too bitter?

Felicity gets on board with the glass half full approach because ain’t nothing cuter than her man being all sunshine and rainbows.

Source: olicitygifs

After all, they are a team within and team. Then comes all the smooching and we’re only in the first 5 minutes. Second time I died.

Oliver totally looked at Felicity’s stomach when she said she didn’t want anyone knowing about what’s happening “in here” and his little amused smile was so much I cannot.

Felicity’s right about mum’s the word and not because they are vigilantes, although that is a thing. It’s best to wait until the first trimester is over before making any big announcements.

Source: oliverxfelicity

Oliver agrees, Felicity actually says, “Yay,” and then asks him to make her a tartine.

Source: smoakmonster

Starving and nausea sum up my first trimester too, girl. Third time I died.

Felicity pregnant ratchets up her adorable factor by at least 80%.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

This woman breathes and I’m like

I also love how Oliver is the only person who knows why her rambling is so extra and reels her in. Team within a team is damn right.

The SCPD pours out Oliver’s half full glass because they are annoying and stupid. The team needs to adhere to protocol or else. Ugh why do we have to listen to the cops? They don’t have cool toys.

Felicity convinces Oliver they simply need to show the SCPD the Team Arrow way and they’ll stop with all the red-tape-need-actual-evidence-court-of-law nonsense.

It sounds good, particularly coming from Felicity. I’m at the same point as Oliver. I think this woman could tell me the sky is purple and I’d rock some “Purple Rain.”

If Arrow wants do a show where Oliver cooks for Felicity while she shares all her pregnancy symptoms as they smooch and be adorable in their little incubating love nest I would be completely fine with that because it's Emmy award winning television.

Source: oliverxfelicity

Why does the show have to be over? It’s perfect. Fourth time I died.

Olicity continues with their team within a team approach and decide to bring James Midas in on their own. They do it the old fashioned way. (HAHAHA that sounds dirty. Sorry. I’m a 10 year old trapped in a 37 year old body.) Oliver goes full on growly, burly man in leather and threatens to melt Midas’ face off in a tub of hydrofluoric acid. Stephen Amell’s facial reactions are hysterical. Oliver is almost bored like, “Come on, come on, I have tartines to make and a baby to name.”

Source: @smoacs

Felicity records the confession while complaining about people like me who don’t click update. I’m perfectly fine with bae owning my ass. Fifth time I died.

But the mayor cuts Midas loose because his confession was coerced. Is that a thing we care about on Arrow now? I guess we’re doing the whole Miranda rights, due process, warrants, evidence, chain of custody thing. Huh. So… how’d they prosecute all the other criminals for the last seven years?

I’m also willing to venture the mayor is slightly evil if she’s big buddies with a guy like Midas. WHO FUNDED HER CAMPAIGN?

Uncle Diggle is wondering why his OTP is going rogue, so he swings by for a little chat. His Yoda senses are on high alert.

This is why they had to make Diggle normal again. Pod Diggle would never suss out an Olicity pregnancy. I love how Oliver and Felicity are all, “WE AREN’T TELLING ANYONE,” and then Diggle shows up, asks one question, and they fold.

You can’t lie to Yoda. Thems the rules.

Diggle ships this ship harder than anybody else. He practically willed this child into existence.

Source: oliverxfelicity

It’s possible he’s more excited than Oliver when Felicity tells him the news. The “we’re having a baby” absolutely includes John Thomas Diggle too. Sixth time I died.

We have to go over this moment in particular because @lyricalarrow mentioned it in a tweet and I cracked up because it is so true.

Where is the lie? Oliver looks at the ground, crosses his arms, and shuffles his feet whenever he feels shy or bashful. It’s like he’s a little embarrassed Diggle knows they have sex.

Meanwhile, the hot little mama over there with her hip wiggle is more than comfortable letting Diggle know his boy knocked her up. Hilarious perfection.

Honestly, I understand Oliver’s reaction here because I felt the same telling my parents I was pregnant. They high fived, but I was a little embarrassed there was physical evidence of my sexual activity with my husband. It’s cool. I feel confident they decided my daughter was the Immaculate Conception. Everyone is very comfortable with that story.

This announcement also leads to Diggle’s rapid understanding of why Oliver and Felicity are acting like they are on a clock, because THEY ARE ON A CLOCK. Their child will be born into Disney World come hell or high water. THY NAME IS OLICITY AND THY WILL BE DONE!

Like I said, it sounds good on paper, but Diggle comes prepared with logic. Oliver and Felicity understandably have baby on the brain, but they aren’t thinking their rogue plan through. It’ll work for a little while, but then Oliver will land in Slabside again. Yeah, I don’t want to go back to Slabside. I want to keep doing all the baby stuff. Whatever keeps us doing the baby stuff is the plan I favor.

The truth is if the Team Arrow way worked 100% then Star City would be saved. Same goes for the SCPD. Yes, let us casually ignore the writers will not allow the city to be saved until the final episode because that’s just details. What needs to happen is a combo approach. Ya know like an actual partnership.

Diggle: You have to find a way to make it work. Comprise. Do whatever you have to do because if you want a new future for this baby of yours it won’t come by doing the same thing we used to do. We have to be something else. Something better.

Is this the first time Diggle has said the, “Be something else” line?” I feel like it is. If so, it’s a momentous occasion. Every part of the OTA trio has officially given a “Be Something Else” speech. Jeez, this show really is ending isn’t it?

After saving the day while working in partnership with the SCPD, Team Arrow reconvenes in their home away from home. BUNKER IS BACK BABY!!!!!!!!!!! Thank goodness. I am so sick of the police department. It lacks flair.

The team wants to grab a beer to celebrate, which feels like the first time this suggestion has ever happened other than Diggle and Oliver tossing back some vodka or scotch. What’s with all the alcohol? Cause Felicity is pregnant, and these writers want to create as many situations as possible where it can be referenced.

I honestly think Oliver just went to the bar to keep the cover. Cue super sweet winking.

Source: lucyyh

Seventh time I died.

Diggle isn’t done being amazing. I MISSED HIM SO MUCH Y’ALL. He brings Felicity ginger candies to help with the morning sickness. In my fic “Broken Pieces” it was saltine crackers. Seriously, how many of us have written fics where A) Diggle figures out Felicity is pregnant and B) he helps her with the morning sickness because he learned a few things while Lyla was pregnant?

Yeah that’s what I thought. Nobody gets to tell me this episode isn’t straight out Olicity Ficville. I. LOVE. IT. Eighth time I died.

He also stokes the Smoak Tech fires by complimenting Felicity on her technology and generally being a total bad ass while pregnant.

SEE? SHE CAN DO BOTH PEOPLE.

Hold up. Rewind. Is that my girl shading Curtis Holt?

HAHAHA! YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!! THIS EPISODE IS AMAZING!!!!!

We know this DNA security program she’s developed is what eventually becomes the Archer program, so I am very curious to see how it gets up and running.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

I think one word from Diggle is all it’s going to take.

FELICITY ASKED OLIVER IF SHE’S SHOWING. THE WRITERS HAVE KILLED ME DEAD EIGHT TIMES ALREADY? WHAT IF I ONLY HAVE NINE LIVES? MAYBE I’M REALLY A CAT!!!!!

Source: olicitygifs

Honestly, they’ve nailed the first trimester: nausea, starvation, exhaustion, and wondering if you’re showing when you are absolutely nowhere near showing. Ninth time I died.

And then… Felicity wants to talk baby names. Cue hyperventilation.

Yeah yeah yeah I know we know the baby’s name BUT THEY ARE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT GUYS. That’s a whole other thing.

Oliver had names picked out pretty much since this moment.

This is the face of man naming his babies while staring at his future baby mama.

So, I’m really excited Felicity broached the subject first. She’s been dreaming about little Olivers and Felicities too. She’s just been a little calmer about it instead of My Face Is My Feelings over here.

I am still a firm believer in triplets because it gives us more name permutations, but whatever the writers didn’t listen to me and I won’t get greedy. So here we go. It isn’t going to be a boy so Felicity can name the boy whatever she wants.

LUCAS? SHE PICKED LUCAS?

Why not Tommy or Robert or the plethora of other dead male characters on this show? Lucas is a fine name I guess. Makes me think of Lucas from One Tree Hill, which is equally awful and wonderful. (His character was a mess. Don’t blame me for Lucas Scott being a mess.) Or Luke Skywalker who is also equally a mess. My husband’s cousin is named Luke. He’s an awesome guy. Lucas works. Okay. Lucas. Do we call him Luke? I like Luke.

What say you Twitter?

OH MY GOSH I LOVE LUCAS SO MUCH. Tenth time I died.

P.S.: This is why you don’t tell people your names until after the kid is born and you slapped it on the birth certificate.

Source: olicitygifs

Oliver immediately signs off on Lucas (re: see nuclear bomb analogy). Hell, if Felicity wanted to name the kid Malcolm, Slade, The Demon’s Head, Damien, Adrian or Ricardo I think he’d still sign off. He might even go for Al Sah-him Jr. The boy is gone okay? Oliver made a baby with his woman and life is amazing. Eleventh time I died.

I love how Oliver tries to pretend like he just thought of a name for a baby girl.

Boy, you’ve been spinning out names in that brain of yours every night while you sharpen your arrows. You fool no one sir.

There’s a significant pause before Oliver says the name. He has given this a lot of thought. When he speaks again it’s in the same sweet, gentle and quiet tone he uses for Felicity. Since the beginning, Oliver has instinctively softened his voice around Felicity. It was a way to reassure her; to show she is always safe with him.

But his rage and pain are tempered now. The edges have been softened after seven years of loving this one woman.

Yet, this voice remains almost like a whisper because of how much Oliver feels and the depth he loves. It’s almost overwhelming.

This voice is Oliver at his most earnest and vulnerable.

This is the Oliver only Felicity gets to see.

He’s better at talking about his emotions now. It’s taking a lot of practice and learning, but the voice remains the same. This is how Oliver Queen speaks when the words matter the most.

His special Felicity’s voice is also his special Mia voice. Twelfth time I died.

DID I SAY HER NAME WAS MOIRA? .

YES I DID. Thirteenth time I died.

Felicity’s reaction is perfection because Moira is a slightly controversial choice given her relationship with Oliver’s mother and he knows that.

Sweet and fiery describes all the important women in Oliver’s life- the ones he’s loved the most. These women love deeply and fight fiercely.

Moira

Thea

Felicity

Mia

It describes Oliver as well. There is a gentle bear

underneath the raging bull.

This girl is Smoak, Kuttler, Dearden and Queen. And she’s amazing.

Oliver and Felicity’s baby girl seems destined to become a hero in her own right. Someday Oliver and Felicity will make a better and safer Star City for their children. Maybe they’ll save the city with their children.

Source: olicitygifs

Fifteenth time I died. We haven’t even gotten to the promo yet. Probably not a cat, so I’m totally screwed.

Flash Forward

QUEEN SIBLING TEAM UP!!! Did anyone get major Bratva vibes during these scenes? I sure did. It’s in the blood kids!

Mia and William make the perfect team because they are (seemingly) opposites, but underneath the surface have a lot in common. RING ANY BELLS?

It doesn’t hurt they are basically the familial and platonic reverse of Oliver (Mia) and Felicity (William). Mia is the bad ass from the streets and William is the computer wizard with a whole lotta money. But William is a fighter as well and Mia is extremely smart. Time for some sibling bonding.

They are in search of the mini cassette player, so they can listen to Felicity’s messages. Mia tells William to stay put, but of course he doesn’t listen. Pro tip Mia: The elder sibling will never listen to you even when they should listen to you. Curse of being the youngest. Get used to it.

William procures a mini cassette player after haggling over price. Five hundred dollars??? I’m seriously going to look in the garage for one of those things. In twenty years it might make some bank. Unfortunately, William is scammed like Mia warned and he loses the tape. His plan for getting the tape back, however, works and Mia knocks the lights out of the guy who scammed her brother. I love these two so much. They are sibling perfection.

There’s a lot of mutual appreciation. Mia realizes her brother is a genius aka Mini Felicity and William realizes his sister is Mini Oliver.

It’s a really beautiful moment as William stares at her because it’s been about twenty years since he’s seen his father. She is the closest William has been to Oliver and vice versus.

But Mia thinking “You have failed this city” is a dumb will never not be funny.

Source: oliverxfelicity

It’s difficult for William to hit play on the cassette because it’s been 20 years since he’s heard Felicity’s voice and there’s a fair amount of apprehension about what she’s going to say.

Source: feilcityqueen

Mia gives William the strength to hit play. It reminded so much of all the times Oliver and Felicity gently and lovingly supported each other simply by touching hands, particularly in the beginning of the burgeoning partnership and friendship.

Oliver refused to show any feeling while Felicity wore her heart on her sleeve. They took all the best parts of this beloved couple and put them in their children.

Hearing Felicity’s voice in the flash forwards made me cry and I just need her in this timeline already. She spent twenty years avoiding ever saying William and Mia’s names in the same sentence.

You don’t keep your two precious jewels in the same location. I think it’s safe to say this is the strategy Oliver and Felicity were using.

Are there plot holes with the whole William side of things? Sure. It wasn’t a secret he was Oliver’s son. The kid was photographed. You can easily find out his last name is Clayton and his grandparents aren’t exactly living off the radar. Arrow is either going to have an answer for all these little factoids or they’re gonna blow right past them and leave them in Plot Hole Land.

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

But the bigger picture is Oliver and Felicity kept their children apart for a reason. I found it very interesting Felicity said this was a decision they made together. So whatever separation is coming, it was as much Oliver’s choice as it was Felicity’s.

She reads off some coordinates and orders the children not to look for her, which they promptly ignore. I loved Oliver and Thea’s relationship, but I am enjoying Mia and William’s even more. There’s a humor and banter that was missing between Oliver and Thea. Sure, there was the occasional teasing, but it was mostly fighting or crying with the original Queen siblings. It’s fine. It’s what the situations called for and Stephen and Willa acted the hell out of those scenes. It feels like the writers are trying to have more fun with William and Thea. They banter really showcases each actors’ comedic talent too, particularly Ben Lewis.

Mia recognizes the coordinates because it’s inside The Glades. Katherine McNamara tweeted out the perfect reaction because Mia’s tone is very “The North Remembers.” So winter is here friends and we’re going over the wall!

The mere existence of these children is a promise for a better future. I am choosing to remain optimistic about what Oliver and Felicity said. A hero’s journey has to start somewhere. William and Mia’s first act of heroism may very well be saving their parents.

Source: olicitygifs

Team Arrow

Team Arrow being bored to tears and wiping the floor with the SCPD is the realest this show has ever been.

Oliver body slams a fellow officer as a way of “defusing the situation.” Rene puts a gun together at lightning speed and Felicity looks so bored with the tech she’s about to smash her head into a computer.

A significant reason Star City is a crappy place to live is because the police aren’t putting up a strong line of defense. The SCPD’s antiquated procedures hindering the capturing of criminals shocks no one. If things worked at the police department the city wouldn’t need Oliver Queen, his team of bandits, and all their amazing toys. I’ve put up with this Oliver as a police officer for several episodes now, but I draw the line at no suit and no arrows. Screw that.

Dinah is full speed ahead on being captain and draws a hard line in the sand with the team, which of course proves to be disastrous. The reason she is all in on Captain Drake is because she lost her cry and doesn’t feel she can be Bl*ck C*nary anymore. When did the C*nary Cry become a prerequisite?

Sara never had one and we were well into Season 3 before Cisco put that choker around L*urel’s neck. Relax Dinah.

Rene gets in Dinah’s face and defends Oliver because she’s being a b-i-t-c-h.

DID Y’ALL HEAR THAT? RENE DEFENDED OLIVER!!!!! Rene being tolerable, logical and borderline likable is almost as shocking as Zen Oliver.

Oliver apologizes for going rogue. He always apologizes first. We’re taking baby steps with the Newbies. Not everything can get better all at once. Patience. But then DINAH ALSO APOLOGIZES and she acknowledges she was way too hard on Oliver. Umm… hooray! But for real what is happening to this show right now? Everything is amazing.

Oliver FINALLY tells the team to “suit up” and I realized how long it’s been since he’s been the one to say it. The joy of Curtis Holt being gone will never abate. Speaking of Curtis, it feels like a massive difference now that the team is back to four in the field and Felicity in the bunker as Overwatch. God, I missed Overwatch. The trimming of Team Arrow was a smart move for many reasons and I think a five member team is the max capacity this show can handle. Dropping Curtis like the dead weight he is was a fantastic move.

Since Team Arrow is all about the legal now, Felicity hacks whatever SCPD has access to (they aren’t completely in the Stone Age) and it’s all admissible in court. The rest of the team secures evidence and arrests in partnership with the police, which mostly looks like the SCPD rolling in after Team Arrow has done all the work. I don’t really understand how the criminals Team Arrow captured were prosecuted before all this, but whatever.

I’m just happy the team is back in the bunker with their suits, they are the official black ops of the police department, and the mayor is repealing that stupid anti vigilante law. HELLO MY SHOW I HAVE MISSED YOU.

Bl*ck S*ren and Emiko

The “Training Day” writers didn’t check off everything on my wish list. They were close, but unfortunately BS did not kill Diaz. I still think it would’ve been awesome, but it’s okay. You win some and you lose some. I think it’s safe to say our fandom is winning just plenty.

Ben Turner aka Bronze Tiger witnessed Diaz’s murder while he was in solitary and it was someone wearing the Green Arrow suit, which means Emiko. In exchange for this information BS allows Turner to see his son – Connor, his “little hawk.”

I already love this backstory so much more than the one Connor had on the Legends of Tomorrow episode. Connor being Lyla and Diggle’s adopted son makes more sense to me than JJ taking on the random name of Connor Hawke.

BS confronts Emiko and the whole conversation is hysterical hypocrisy.

Bl*ck S*ren: You’re lying about who you really are. You’re not a hero.

STEAL ANYONE’S IDENTITY LATELY L*UREL? I can never decide if the writers are blatantly obtuse in regards to L*urel’s character (any version) or if this is somehow a tongue and cheek/wink wink kind of thing.

It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is I’m fairly certain BS just got Ben Turner killed.

It’s not going to take Emiko and Dante very long to figure out how L*urel came upon this information.

Holy hell lady. Keep your trap shut while you investigate someone. Didn’t you learn anything in law school? OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT YOU DIDN’T GO!

Since Turner saved Lyla’s life once I believe they’ll adopt Connor as a way of paying it forward. They also can’t let a kid that adorable go. I just want to smush his face.

This also makes Felicity pickle in the middle. Oliver will of course believe Emiko over Bl*ck S*ren and Felicity will have to choose between the two. I’m actually way more interested in seeing how Felicity reacts than I am anything else, so once again BS services her storyline. Suits me just fine.

THE PROMO

I was sick on Monday (hence the delayed review), so my husband didn’t wake me up for Arrow. The nerve of him, I know. So, when I started watching I was about 40 minutes behind and @callistawolf told me to call her after because she was hyperventilating. I was very careful while tweeting not to read any other tweets. So, when Mia said they were going over the wall I thought, “Calm down Cal. It’s not that big of a deal – HOLY SHIT IS THAT A LOVE CABIN?”

THE. PROMO. KILLED. ME. The other fifteen times brought me to the edge and the promo shoved me off the cliff. Don’t mourn for me my friends. I had a good life and it was a good death.

This promo is proof the CW can actually put together great marketing for this show. They just choose not to 99.99% of the time, but at least 7x16 can join the truly great promos of 3x01, 3x20, 4x01 and 5x20.

We hear Felicity screaming as the camera pushes in on the cabin and down the hallway into the bedroom where she is delivering their child. The first image we see of Oliver and Felicity is their hands. Oliver is holding on tight as his wife struggles through labor.

Source: olicitygifs

I remember when I used to hyperventilate over a mere shoulder or hand touch.

Oliver and Felicity’s romance started in the quiet moments.

Their love was in the details.

This image of them holding hands, Felicity’s wedding ring brightly shining in the sun, as she brings Mia into this world is a powerful symbol of where their story began and what their love created.

The reason we wear wedding rings is because they are an endless circles. The commitment we are making with our spouse is forever. We wear our ring on our fourth finger of our left hand because the Romans believed the vein in this finger lead directly to a person’s heart. Love is eternal. The focus on Felicity’s ring, her hand gripping tightly in Oliver’s, symbolizes Mia entering this endless loop of love where she will always be wanted, adored and safe.

Source: sansasnw

Of course, Oliver and Felicity’s child is born in the bright sunshine of morning. We would expect nothing less. It’s always the light. This child is a new beginning for Oliver and Felicity. A new life who can harness her parent’s light and shine her own upon all she loves. I get emotional when I think about where Oliver’s story began. He was a lost soul who believed life was merely about survival and he didn't deserve one worth living for. And now…

Source: olicitygifs

I’m sobbing at the promo y’all. I won’t make it through the episode.

As for this moment...

This is my head canon until the show tells me different.

Source: olicitygifs

Stray Thoughts

Why does Bl*ck S*ren think Oliver and Felicity will be mad Emiko killed Diaz? Nobody is crying over that guy cutie. Oliver and Felicity came to my smore party. They brought the chocolate.

Mia couldn’t put the tape in. I’m still laughing. Katherine McNamara’s comedic timing is gold.

“This is private. Loophole.” Felicity being the most irritated she can’t do things illegally is so on brand.

Mini cassettes were around in the nineties too. Can we stop with the super aging of things, show?

I love Face/Off. Classic Travolta vs. Cage.

We haven't done a good old fashion gang war. After 7 years in a crime fighting show that feels a little odd.

Oliver and Felicity have their baby in a love cabin and many believe it is Ravenspure, which is the cabin Felicity was conceived in. I truly do not remember this detail from Season 4, but I know better than to question my peeps.

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 7x15 gifs credited.

If you’d like to support the blog, please buy me a cup of tea!

#arrow #olicity #arrow 7x15 #arrow reviews #olicity baby #mia smoak #william clayton #oliver and felicity #william and mia #oliver felicity and william #queen family #mia queen #arrow spoilers #arrow season 7 #season 7 episode review #season 7 episode reviews

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jernal · 6 years

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A Day in Inpatient Eating Disorder Treatment

It’s Monday, weekday 1/5 (unless you’re still new or untrustworthy because then you’re here all weekend too; no leave), breakfast is at 08:00 but we have to be in the lounge at 07:00 for bloodwork. I set my alarm for 06:30. I need this. My alarm starts quiet and gets louder but my brain jolts awake at the first tone; I’m so worried my roommate Miranda is growing to resent me and my alarm. I shower at night so I can get up and out quietly. I’m always tip-toeing. I’m tired though so it takes me a minute to peel myself off of my starchy hospital sheets. I didn’t sleep well because overnight every 20 minutes a nurse walks into our room with her iPhone flashlight on, shining it in our faces and whispering “checks” as if I might not know why she’s here. Sometimes I hold my eyes wide-open, staring, just to unnerve the night nurses. There were two Code-Whites last night too. Alarms and screaming. In Ottawa, the Regional Centre for the Treatment of Eating Disorders (AKA: your only option) is made up of just six beds on the locked general psych ward. Fourth floor, north wing. Code White, Four North. Code Blanc, Quatre Nord. So I get up and tip toe out of my room and into the half-lit hallway. I no longer care about how socially unacceptable it is to walk around a place full of people in my sleep clothes and bare feet. I’m wearing a purple nightgown with thin straps and a low open back; it’s cute. I walk to the nurses station and stand by the reinforced glass window waiting to be noticed by the clerk. It’s Bruno. He never fails to have a positive attitude and light sense of humour - it must not be easy to do in a place like this. He knows that I’m here to ask for my curling iron or straightener. I switch it up every morning. He waves it in front of the glass like a treat in front of a dog. I am the dog. I have no power. He means it as a joke though and I do appreciate him. I have to say please and thank you to him - he doesn’t tolerate my teenager attitude; I’m 24, but living in an environment where I have no rights and am at the mercy of a wide variety of older-adults has made my sass-control regress a bit. While I wait for Bruno there’s a man with long dreadlocks wearing a hospital gown, spinning circles and popping wheelies in a wheelchair close by. I usually avoid interacting with general psych patients but he talks to me a bit. He tells me he killed someone and he’s here until he can be assessed, then he’s probably going back to jail. He seems more sane than the majority of gen psych patients and I’ve never see him before so I talk to him till I have my curling iron. I have to return it once it’s cooled, I’m not allowed to have cords.

I sneak into our bathroom and close the door before I turn on the light. I’m really concerned with people potentially hating me, letting a stream of blinding light escape from the bathroom would make me easily hate-able. I do my hair and then sit on my bed to do my makeup. Miranda is up by now and I can turn on a light. I take time to do my makeup and my hair, I pick out an outfit and I don’t outfit-repeat for as long as possible. This seems stupid but looking like myself is the one of the few things I have control over. I will not become a sweatpant-wearing, dirty hair, slipper-footed hospital patient. I’m here for a long time and I’m going to gain weight and struggle with that - I don’t need to struggle with feeling ugly and frumpy too. I apply my usual false lashes.

It’s 06:50 now. The six of us have an unspoken arrangement when it comes to bloodwork: first come, first serve, first leave. The two smokers, Nate and Amy are usually first. We meet in one of the two lounges. There are a couple psych patients in there too. One is an old man in his hospital gown going hard on the elliptical in the corner. There’s just the one exercise machine, it’s pretty random and for some of us it’s very hard to ignore; we could risk being discharged on the spot for getting on that thing. The room otherwise has a TV encased in plexiglass on the wall, a variety of leatherish couches, chairs, some tables, two vending machines and a small shelving unit with mushy ancient puzzles and boardgames. None of them have all their pieces, that’s a guarantee. The nurse is 15 minutes late, pushing her cart in casually like we haven’t been waiting anxiously to do bloodwork and get the fuck out. I don’t mind needles. I watch. Once I’m done I head to the set of double doors of 4 North. I have to have Bruno buzz the first set unlocked, walk into the vestibule, wait for it to close behind me and have him unlock the second set. I’m going to Critical Care; it’s a huge open space with the Tim Hortons (not the Second Cup that’s closer but yuckier) and giant windows and couches. I bring a book and sit with my coffee as long as possible. I won’t be alone again all day.

I come back up at 07:55 and wait in the hall outside our special EDP kitchen. The gen psych population eats in the lounge or in their rooms. Some of them are aware that we have our own special room but not aware enough to understand why. Sometimes they yell about it. Once, a non-verbal man came in and took the glass base out of our microwave and we had to pull an alarm because our nurse had left briefly. Our nurse this morning is a bitch. I can’t put it any nicer. Her name is Brenda and we got off on the most wrongest foot ever. There’s a general belief that people with eating disorders are sneaky, manipulative liars. I fancy myself a rational adult and choosing to recover in this way was hard enough; it makes no sense to me at all that I’d voluntarily leave my job and move onto this ward just to lie and sneak around and try to lose weight and be symptomatic. She didn’t talk to me or get to know who I am before deciding I was bad. Seeing her walk down the hall, realizing she was our nurse for the 7-3 shift, makes my stomach flip. It causes me more anxiety than the meal itself. I spoke with the ward manager a few weeks ago though, Brenda apologized to me. She was wrong and treating me unfairly, for no reason evident to me. She still makes me anxious though. She’s late but she doesn’t apologize. If we’re late we’re actually punished with having to eat more at snack time. Punishing an unrelated infraction with food - now that’s logical. During Breakfast, we turn a radio on so it’s not silent. Brenda talks though - she’s famous for it. She’ll keep talking even though no one responds. She’ll keep talking even after we’re finished and waiting for her to start check-out. Breakfast is one of the worst meals in the day. In the wise words of Nate, my best friend in this hell-hole, “this meal makes no sense”, and they’ll chastise us saying meals don’t have to ‘make sense’ but having toast, a muffin with cream cheese on it, an apple and a glass of milk is a lot. But wait, cause if you’ve ordered a bran muffin with cream cheese too often (‘too often’ is completely based on the opinion of the power-tripping dietician, Shelley) you might get a bran muffin and…. a piece of plastic-wrapped, room-temperature cheddar cheese. This meal makes NO sense. So you down each piece as quick as possible because, that’s totally normal and not disordered eating, right? Yuck. When we start passing our plates to the person closest to the dish cart Brenda wraps up her latest anecdote, sighs, then turns to her side and asks the nearest one of us how their breakfast was. We have to say something positive - how this helps our recovery, (lying when necessary to come up with an acceptable response) I’m not sure. I say “I liked the muffin.”. Nate raises his eyebrows a tiny bit, tilts his head sharply and says “my omelette was the same temperature as my milk” and I stifle a laugh. He is a barista in the real world and he has a chalkboard-painted travel mug. Every day he writes something on it, every day I look forward to it. Today he’s written “Day 42: one lump, or two? “‘six’” - Shelley”. Last Friday's mug said “Day 39: to have your pancake and eat it too”.

The day is spent in groups. There’s CBT group, led by a Nurse Practitioner, Simin, who is almost like a psychologist… except not at all. There’s family and relationships groups: open-circle groups led by Stephanie, an actual psychologist who can only speak in that whispery therapeutic tone shrinks develop. These groups drive me insane because it’s completely unstructured and we might spend the hour listening to some rambly, whiney story about someone’s mom. I’m a bitch though. It helps that person to talk, but hearing about five other people’s problems doesn’t benefit me at all. I have a therapist in the real world, I want to exempt myself from these groups. There’s body image, the ONLY group led by the psychiatrist who runs the inpatient program. There’s DBT where we just watch one patient draw a chain of events and we analyze the shit out of it for an hour. There’s ‘take charge’ group led by Jodie, a social worker, where we made resumes…. (most of us are adults with jobs), There’s medical education run by Simin again, the NP, possibly the only valid group although she chooses a topic at random and it’s very basic information, I truly appreciated the group where she explained that ‘gluten-free’ diets are a bullshit trend. There’s a group led by Shelley the dietician where we learn about the food pyramid and how milk is good for you.

Lunch is at noon. 2 starches, 2 protein, 1 vegetable, 1 fat, 1 fruit, 2 dairy. Afterwards we do menu marking. We sit together and circle the meals on wide menu sheets that we’ll have for the next five days. It’s so stressful I know ahead of time to ask for a PRN. I request clonazepam. In my pre-treatment life, I used this med as a sleep aid. Now it doesn’t affect my wakefulness in the slightest. I’m so anxious it barely does anything at all. I struggle immensely writing out my future five days. Trying to do it ‘right’. Trying to pick the ‘right’ things. Trying not to forget any portions. I hand over the sheets of marked menus to Brenda or Shelley and they skim it and accept it or point out flaws. I don’t trust the acceptance anyway, Shelley might make changes later without my consent. Why bother giving us this ‘responsibility’ and ‘control’ and ‘choice’ if you’re going to make changes later without warning and our food comes up with something senseless and surprising that we’re forced to consume anyway? Mixing food & eating with a sense of insecurity and distrust. Excellent. Oh, did I mention that if we’re late to group, chewing gum etc, we might also be punished by having one menu taken away, meaning one of our days meals will be totally redone by whoever is in charge at the time. It’s no wonder that this task and these people are actually giving me bigger trust issues and general anxiety than I probably came in here with.

We also meet with the psychiatrist, Dr. Proulx, on Mondays. This is the only time we see her besides Body Image group, DBT sometimes, and Feedback (which is Tuesdays, a long table with all staff and all 6 of us) and it is the only time we see anyone on EDP staff one-on-one… and even then, Simin The NP is usually present as well. Throughout my time in program I won’t ever understand the purpose of this ‘one-on-one’ meeting besides to discuss medication. When I was admitted Dr. Proulx questioned the medication I’m on and suggested going off of it and trying something more fitting. I’m on Limotrigine, an anti-convulsant used off-label as a mood stabilizer for bipolar and schizophrenia. She didn’t know me or my history, decided it was the wrong medication, but then didn’t do anything to change it.

At 3pm, the nurses switch shifts. It’s a gamble, there are a few nurses who are true gems and a few who are new and/or unfamiliar with the psych ward. None of the nurses are specialized in eating disorders, they’re just trained nurses who happened to end up on the psych ward and then happened to end up assigned to us. Despite the clear lack of formal training or understanding, some try to psychoanalyze or offer impromptu therapy sessions. On one of my first days, a filipino nurse with broken english came in to ask me how my first shower was. I wanted to tell her it was worse than the public pool showers I remember vaguely from my childhood swimming lessons but I figured she wouldn’t get my dark sense of humour and just nod along knowingly, supportively, ahh yes, I see. But does she see? My bathroom comes equipped with two milk crates stacked sideways forming a sort of shelving unit for us to store tiny hospital towels. I have my razor hidden between a few of them, I just can’t stand having to ask for it every second day and I am not a self-harm risk. None of us are; self-harm = automatic discharge. The bathroom has a stand up shower, no shower curtain, just an open doorway beside a metal shower head protruding from the wall. Our bathroom door has no locks and our room’s door has a towel wrapped around the handles, preventing it from closing fully. My roommate has a huge problem with the lack of security and lack of privacy. She sleeps in a sleeping bag on top of her bed. The filipino nurse asked me if I had any urges and on my first day I was naive enough to not know what the hell she meant, asking nervously knowing my roommate was on her bed behind our divider curtain, certainly hearing this exchange, and the nurse clarified by miming cutting her wrists. Yep, definitely not a mental health professional. At 3pm I’m overjoyed to see our nurse is Barb. Colleen is a close second best-case-scenario, a warm, smiley woman with a kind voice and a motherly demeanour. Barb is funny and also very kind. She holds one of us back at random after dinner to check-in and unlike every other nurses attempts at therapeutic conversations, I do enjoy chatting with Barb. She believes me when I tell her I didn’t mean to cut my meat up into ‘too-small’ pieces, she believes me when I tell her that’s not an ED behaviour I have. She believes me when I say I know what I’m doing here, what I mean to accomplish, what my goal is; I mean to spend my 8 weeks (that’s the max, I had decided right away) eating well-rounded meals and gaining some weight. I know I’m sick, I know I have an eating disorder and I know I’m doing serious damage to myself, she hears me when I say this. She believes me, and more importantly, she respects my decision, when I tell her I’m not looking to work on issues relating to past relationships, family, self. I’ve worked with half a dozen therapists by now, I know that 8 weeks in an artificial environment made up of 90% group therapy sessions is not the place for me to open up about any and all issues, I know it won’t help and could actually hurt. Barb hears me and believes me. I respect her for respecting me and treating me like a rational adult. Dr. Proulx tells me that anorexia is not rational, therefore I am not rational. It’s like she doesn’t think that eating disorders are mental illnesses, and I can be level-headed and rational about any other area of my life. I feel distrust and scrutiny from almost every direction. I’m a perfectionist and feeling like I am failing constantly is extremely distressing. Not feeling approval from those in charge of my care and recovery is really hard for me.

Dinner with Barb is nice though, and often times meals are ok. The food isn’t all terrible. I did make a dire mistake of selecting a ‘salisbury steak’ not actually knowing what it was but knowing what steak was and knowing I was in The Red Meat Club (low iron) so I didn’t have a lot of choice anyway. Salisbury steak, the hospital kind at least, is something I don’t ever wanna see or smell .. or taste.. again. Imagine how hard it was finding a positive to share with the group after that surprise. I also tried my very first Shawarma here in the EDP kitchen. It was pretty good. We’re a bit lucky because EDP gets extra menu options and they’re good ones like Stir Fry of the Day, different sometimes but good almost always. Barb is nice but she’s just as strict as the rest of the team, things can still go bad real quick - like someone throwing a pudding cup across the table, scattering silverware and cups everywhere. I leave the kitchen when Barb said “ok you all can go except….” and she chooses someone she’s been wanting to chat with, hasn’t seen around much, etc. It’s not me today.

What’s difficult about the routine after dinner is that unless it’s the one day a week where we have our glorified arts and crafts group (therapeutic creative expression?) we have 2+ hours to kill. We have visitors or we hang out or just hide behind our curtains watching Netflix on our laptops. If we have arts and crafts, whichever nurse happens to be on shift that night picks an activity at random, I think they must google it 20 minutes prior, and we’re expected to do the activity as if it’s crucial to our progress and recovery. The only example I can even think of is when Brenda told us to “draw what having a life looks like” and in her better-than-thee way, left it at that. So poetic and profound and intentional. I basically regressed back to my oppositional high school self, took her directions exactly literally and sketched a perfect anatomical fetus in utero. That’s what it looks like when someone “has a life” inside them. Everyone else did what I knew she wanted; smiley faces and playing outside and friends and family and food and stuff. No. I’m an artist. I won’t conform.

Since dinner is at 5pm, night snack feels miles away at 8pm and that’s great except then we’ve eaten (sometimes several things) so late before bed it makes relaxing enough to sleep really difficult. I have graduated to a meal plan where even at snacks I have to consume what feels (to my body) like a LOT of food. Because I’m still not gaining weight as fast as they think I should be, I’ve had an Ensure Plus Calories added to my meal plan. I have a Chocolate Ensure Plus Calories with a pack of 4 two-bite brownies. At 8:00pm, after a solid dinner and a solid day of solid meals. I regret immensely choosing this too-chocolatey snack combo. No point wishing it wasn’t so, I sit down with my things. We all scan across the table to see what everyone else has. No one is jealous of me. We came in on our own and are waiting for Barb but she’s actually taking her dinner so Nurse Will comes in. Nurse Will is a hottie, or at least.. the hottie. There aren’t a lot to choose from (although, pro-tip: set your Tinder location settings to as narrow as possible and you’ll pick up a lot of nurses and doctors in here). Nurse Will has helped out with EDP nurses on occasion but never on snack with us. He seems a little uncomfortable, not sure what routine we follow. I open my brownie packet and discover there are 5 and not 4. I panic. I look around wildly trying to catch someone’s attention. Amy sees me first, sigh of relief, Mom might help me. My voice cracks and I tell Will there’s an extra brownie it’s only supposed to be 4. I know this is not an anorexia thing, but I know normal people would be delighted by an extra brownie, but normal people don’t also have to down the 400 calories of chocolate ensure I do. I’m already challenging myself so much and oh jesus god if he makes me eat the 5th one that I was never supposed to have I’ll throw a proper fit. I’ll get myself discharged. But he makes one joke about how ‘oh I guess you have to eat it!” but my look of terror had him quiet down and say it’s all good if they say so? Confirmation from my team that it’s ok if I don’t eat the 5th brownie. We do that too, sometimes someone has an issue and the team weighs in and says well I had that food too so it’s ok for you to, or maybe hmmm that is a lot of rice if you’re not ‘challenging’ this meal. My life was in their hands but they unanimously agreed that 4 is the normal in those bags. Safe. Well, still very full of heavy, rich, chocolatey calories. Camille gives me a shy smile and thumbs up from across the table. I remember the first time she did this to me, my first day here and I was pushed into lunch with 5 people I didn’t know, a room I’d never been in, a sandwich I didn’t like. And I cried. And cried and cried. Quietly as possible, because surely the other 5 people were uncomfortable. But I looked up and Camille was waiting for me to look up, her hand clenched in a thumbs-up of encouragement. I wanted to cry and run away and I was so embarrassed and this stranger was being more kind than she needed to be.

After snack I jump in the shower. As quickly as human possible because as I’ve mentioned, our shower is drafty, the shower head is such a little nub on the wall that you have to press your back flush with the cringey tiles to be under the shower head’s spray zone. I don’t stop thinking about what I’d do if the bathroom door suddenly flew open. After, I dry off using 3 scratchy little hospital towels and walk down the hall to drop em in a laundry bin. I grab new ones cause I need to rebury my razor in them. My MacBook and it’s charger are under my mattress.

At night I usually hang out with Nate. We might go down so he can smoke and for my last dose of fresh air for the night. Back on the ward, we sit up on the counter outside my room and watch the nightly traffic go by. We read IKEA catalogues, make up backstories for patients. We watch this NBA sized guy pacing slowly, dragging his catatonic feet but managing to have feverish conversations with the people in his head. Otherwise, the hallway traffic tour slows and we have some quiet. We sit in the lounge watching the other nurses all doing checks together and chatting. Eventually Nurse Jillian will firmly encourage us to go to our rooms. It’s probably 1am but I’ll be up at 6:30am and tip toe out of bed to start this all over again.

Except tomorrow is Tuesday, We’ll have Feedback at a round table with the whole EDP staff, all 6 of us, and go round the table one-by-one one staff delivering the feedback of all to the one patient. Feedback is maybe more stressful than Menu Marking but not usually for me. I go into Feedback having faith that these professionals discussed and shared their thoughts, that I can’t get bad feedback because I’ve done nothing but try to do everything right. Feedback can change everything for some… not for me….. until the time that it does.

But that’s another Day in Inpatient Eating Disorders Treatment. A Tuesday

#words #edp #anorexia #eatingdisorder #inpatient #ed inpatient #ed treatment

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