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broken--stardust · 2 years

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the way i see you - j.t.k.

a/n: i received three different asks requesting a fic with an overweight reader. i am personally fat as well, so the way i wrote it was definitely based on some personal experience. also, i am completely aware that this situation does not only apply to cisgender women, but this is written with a female reader because that is what the prompts depicted, and i've personally experienced a lot of body issues with my afab body, so that is how the reader's body is described.

summary: this is a fic to answer a combination of three requests i received.

1. I just saw your post asking for comfort fic requests! I’m thicker and really self conscious about it and sometimes it’s a lot worse and right now is one of those times. Specifically the feeling that nobody would ever truly love me romantically because of it. If you could write a story where Jake and y/n are dating and he helps convince her that he loves her and finds every part of her, even the stretch marks, so attractive that would mean a lot. This could lead to a lil smut if you wanted or not that’s ok too! 2. Hii, I just literally had this happen to me and I was wondering if you were interested in maybe writing a blurb for it w Jakey. My parents just made fun of how I’m overweight and even tho I’ve lost 20 pounds apparently I’m still too fat for them and they like to make comments about it. I wish I had Jake here to remind me how beautiful I am instead of feeling like shit and crying 3. id love to see a fat reader be insecure about her body. i've seen so many where y/n is just curvy, but i've never seen any with an actual fat girl. i've been feeling so down about my body lately and reading something like that would be very helpful

pairing: jake x f. reader

word count: 4.1k

warnings: SMUT (18+, specific smut warnings after the cut), negative self image, asshole parent, explicit descriptions of afab body and amab body, cussing

SMUT warnings: kissing, licking, biting, oral (f. receiving), crying during sex, cock-warming if you squint, *making love*, slow intimate sex :')

You slid the deep navy dress over your head. You pulled and shimmied it over your breasts and took a deep breath and held it in as you sucked in your stomach, as you attempted to tug the dress down the rest of the way. You yanked on the silky fabric as hard as you could, but it had no stretch to it, leaving it bunched up under your chest and across the top of your stomach. “Goddammit” you muttered under your breath as you tugged it back over your head and threw it into the small pile to your side of discarded, ill-fitting clothes. You fought back tears as you stared at your closet, overwhelmed at the task of finding something that fit you well and wasn’t your usual choice of leggings and a comfy oversized t-shirt or sweater. Clearly, you hadn’t gone out recently or you would’ve shopped for new clothes. As you scanned the racks of clothing on your side of the walk-in, a lacy, maroon number caught your eye. You reached for the hanger and pulled the dress into view, just as you heard the shower shut off. You traced your fingers over the still attached tag, examining the size. Worth a try. You slipped it over your shoulders, the skirt cascading easily down your body. It hugged your waist in all the right places and directed the attention to your cleavage in a flattering way with its sweetheart neckline. You did a little spin in front of the mirror in the back of the closet. The skirt flared in an adorable way, bringing a smile to your face as you felt like a little girl again. But, as you looked at the back of the dress, all you could see was where your skin puffed out in rolls beneath the band of your bra. You were so lost in thought, you didn’t realize someone had walked into the closet until you felt strong arms secure you in a tight embrace from behind, the skin of them still warm and slightly damp from the shower.

“You look absolutely ravishing, baby,” Jake drawled in his husky voice, kissing your neck lightly. You spun around in his arms, and took in his appearance, his damp, dark tresses laying in silky strands across his neck and shoulders, and a towel hanging low and loose on his hips. You gave him a peck on his nose.

“You think so?” you asked as you turned around to take another look at yourself in the mirror, seeing his eyes staring into yours in it.

“I know so. I can’t wait to take it off of you later.” You watched as he leaned in and lifted up your hair, kissing the back of your neck and biting ever so slightly. He licked over the mark he left, that he made sure could be hidden again by your hair. He placed another kiss on your cheek, and let his towel fall to the floor as he moved about the closet to his side, finding his outfit for the evening.

You gazed upon his naked form, taking in the delicate muscle definition in his arms, that became more prominent as he would lift different hangers off the racks as he tried to decide what to wear. You looked at his pecks, perfectly formed and slightly perky, the nipples symmetrical and dark, complimenting his tan skin tone. You observed his abdomen, he didn’t have a six pack, but he had a slender waistline and muscle tone. His dainty love handles stuck out ever so slightly above his hips. His ass was tight and round, his thighs thick and curvy in the most enticing way. There was not a single flaw on his body. No wonder he didn’t have a care in the world about walking around naked, not a single thought of modesty. He didn’t have a thing on his body to hide. Sure, you had been together for several years and he had seen you naked on multiple intimate occasions, but you’d never had the confidence to parade around naked. Even after sharing a shower with him, you would put on a robe the second you left the bathroom. Sexily stripping for him was out of the question. You didn’t even like to be on top. The best thing for you was missionary with the lights off. The thought had crossed your mind several times, that he would get tired of this. But, he never once made you feel uncomfortable or pressured to do something that you didn’t appear interested in.

“Hey,” Jake’s voice shook you out of your thoughts, “if you keep looking at me like that, we will never make it out of this closet.”

You felt heat rise to your cheeks as you gave him a little smile. “Sorry. You’re just pretty.”

He grinned at you as his cheeks tinged a light shade of pink. “Well, thank you. You’re much prettier.”

“Am not.”

He maneuvered his way back to your side. “Are so,” he said with a peck to your nose. He held up a deep maroon button-up still on its hanger. “What do you think of this one? With black jeans? We can match” he finished with a smile.

“I think you’d look amazing in that,” you answered with a smile. You’d look amazing in literally anything you put on.

Once he slipped on his black chelsea’s, he turned to you with a large grin on his face. “Ready to go?”

“Ready.”

You were meeting up with your parents at a fancy restaurant for your father’s birthday. Once you arrived, you both greeted your parents and began scanning the menu. The night went on smoothly, the four of you engaging in conversation, catching up.

As the night neared its end, your mother pulled out a cake your father’s name and happy birthday on it and began cutting it into slices. You took a small piece, and realized it was your favorite, banana.

“Damn,” Jake began after swallowing his last bite, “that was amazing. I think I’ll have another if you don’t mind”.

“Of course not!” your mother answered and began cutting him another slice. You had just finished yours as well.

“You know, I think I’ll have another piece too,” you stated.

Your mother gave you a look with a raised eyebrow. “Are you sure?” she questioned, her tone laced with disapproval.

You felt heat rise to your cheeks, immediately understanding her insinuation without her needing to say the words and looked down in embarrassment as you felt the sting of tears prick the corner of your eyes in your humiliation. You hoped her suggestion would be lost on Jake, but ever-the-intuitive one, he noticed immediately. He coughed on the bite he had just taken and stared at her with wide eyes. You quickly grabbed the hand that was rested on his leg and squeezed, hoping he would understand you didn’t want him to say anything. He squeezed back and stroked his thumb across your fingers in reassurance. Your father cleared his throat after a moment and changed the subject, directing the conversation to Jake’s band.

Jake never let go of your hand, holding it tightly as you walked to his car. He opened the car door for you wordlessly, and once you were seated, he kissed your forehead.

Once he began driving, you could feel the anger radiating off of him, seeing it visibly in the way he tightly gripped the steering wheel. After a few minutes of silence, he grabbed the hand you had resting in your lap.

“Hey baby?” he asked.

“Hmm?” you mumbled.

“You are incredibly sexy. That dress is fucking stunning. Your boobs especially look amazing in it” he finished with a flirty raise of his eyebrows.

You giggled at that, albeit half-hearted. When you didn’t respond anymore to that, he let out a little sigh.

“Are you okay?”

You let out a sigh of your own. “My mom can be a bitch sometimes. I’ve always known that, you know that, it’s fine. She says things without thinking. I’m okay.” Of course, that wasn’t true. You were completely and utterly humiliated. What little confidence the dress you chose gave you was not strong enough to not be shattered by her words and the tone in which she said them. You hated that she would say something like that in front of your boyfriend. All you could think about was how perfect your boyfriend’s figure was, how she had no issue giving him another piece, and how undeserving of someone like him, especially that looked like him, you were. You turned your head towards the window as you felt the tears start to fall, doing your best to hide them from Jake.

He squeezed your hand, taking your silence as you not wanting to converse any longer, and focused on the road.

Once back in your shared home, you entered your bedroom and immediately grabbed the skirt of the dress and began pulling it up to bring it over your head.

“Hey!” Jake started from the doorway, “I meant what I said earlier, I wanna take that off.”

You dropped the skirt but didn’t turn to face him, as the tears began to pool in your eyes again. “I’m not really in the mood, Jakey.” You heard him take two steps towards you, and felt his arms snake around your waist.

“Baby, don’t let your dumbass mom ruin this night for us. We both look hot as fuck if I do say so myself, and we should celebrate that” he finished as he placed a smiley, wet kiss to your neck.

You turned to face him, still constrained in his arms, and his face fell as he watched a tear escape from the corner of your eye.

“Oh, honey,” he breathed as he reached up to wipe the tear away with his thumb. He pulled you into a tight embrace, stroking your hair as he held you. He held you tighter as he felt your body begin to shake with quiet sobs. When your breathing slowed, he pulled away slightly and looked into your eyes, cradling your chin with one of his hands, the other still wrapped around your side.

“Y/N. You are so fucking beautiful. Absolutely perfect. I will do whatever I need to do to spend the rest of my life showing you that.” He paused and reached up with his thumb to wipe another stray tear from next to your nose. “God, baby, I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I just want you to see yourself the way I see you.” He placed a kiss to your nose. “Can I show you baby?” he kissed your lips now, and you kissed him back with raw intensity. “Can I show you how beautiful you are to me?” he asked between kisses to your lips that were now turning wet and sloppy. You pulled away and gazed into his eyes, full of adoration, but also animalistic passion. You took your bottom lip between your teeth and nodded. He slotted your lips with his again as he pushed you backwards until the backs of your knees hit the bed.

“Sit down, my love.” You did as he requested and watched him kneel to the floor in front of you. He gently picked up one of your feet, still adorned in the black, suede pumps you wore, and began undoing the strap. As he pulled it off, he placed a kiss to your ankle, and grabbed your other foot, completing the same action. He began to kiss up your ankle and calf, moving his hand on your other leg at the same pace, with featherlight touches. Once he reached above your knees, where the bottom of the skirt fell, he lightly bit the bottom of your thigh, and grabbed both your hands to pull you off the bed.

Once you were standing, he slowly undid the small zipper at your side. The fabric began to loosen around you as the zipper reached below your waist, and he gently grabbed the silk straps and slid them down your shoulders and off your fingers. He gave a little tug to the waistband to pull it over your hips, and he watched in amazement as the maroon fabric pooled at your feet. He took his lip between his teeth as he scanned your body up and down, you now clad in only your black bra and underwear.

“Fucking magnificent.” He breathed. “Can you lay on the bed for me, baby? On your back.” You did as he asked, and watched as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, and let it drop to the ground. He undid his belt, and unbuttoned and unzipped his black jeans, and slid them down his legs, leaving him in only dark blue boxer briefs. He crawled onto the bed and sat on his knees in between your legs. He caressed your cheek lightly, a tiny smile spreading across his lips. “You’re so beautiful.”

You averted your gaze, unable to meet his eyes.

“Hey,” he used the hand on your cheek to grab your chin and gently turn your face toward him until you had to meet his eyes. “Can you tell me what makes you think you aren’t?”

You took both your hands and ran them across the roll that was more on display due to the underwire of your bra pushing it out, and traced them down your stomach, stopping on either side of your bellybutton where the most stretch marks resided. Under his gaze, you lightly ran your fingertips across the stretched skin, it feeling different under your fingertips than your unmarred skin.

“Well, I’ll tell you what I think. First of all, watching you stroke over your body like that is unbelievably sexy. And, second, I love this” he said he kissed a trail across the pouch of skin beneath your bra. He kissed down your stomach until he met your bellybutton, his tongue darting out to circle it. “Third, these,” he said as he ran his hands across your stretch marks until they met yours, “are fucking gorgeous. They’re unique and beautiful. I love how they shine a little differently than the rest of your skin.” He began to kiss and lick across them, leaving goosebumps in his wake, and occasionally a little nibble here and there. “What else, baby?”

You ran your hands beneath where your legs emerged from your underwear, tracing the stretch marks there across the tops of your thighs.

“These too. Beautiful.” He answered and began kissing across them. Tears started to prick the corners of your eyes, and you sniffled a bit. He raised his head from your thighs and crawled atop your body, his face right above yours. He took one of his hands and tangled his fingers into your hair, his palm resting on your cheek. With his other, he grabbed one of yours and squeezed. “God baby, you are so fucking sexy. I love you so much.” With that, he took your lips between his.

As the kissing became more heated, he licked a stripe across your bottom lip, silently requesting access. You parted your lips further for him, and he graciously accepted, his tongue dancing with yours as you let out a quiet moan. He moaned back, stroking your cheek lightly and tangling his fingers further into your hair. With your free hand, you began gently running it up and down his back, before stopping at his neck and latching onto his locks of hair resting there.

You gave his hair a little tug, and with that he let out a groan and began kissing and nibbling all over your neck and up to your earlobe, biting lightly. He pulled away from you slowly, stopping when his face hovered above yours, and could gaze into your eyes.

“Baby, can I keep showing you how beautiful you are?” he asked, pupils blown wide with love and lust. You could only nod. With your permission, he began kissing between your breasts, snaking his hands behind your back to undo the clasp of your bra. Now that they were freed, he paid special attention to them. He rolled one of your nipples between his fingertips as he licked circles around the other, and bit down lightly. “Been staring at your boobs all night, baby. Fuck, I couldn’t wait to have them in my mouth.” He said between laps of his tongue.

Once he was satisfied with the attention he had given them, he licked a trail from between them, and down until he met the band of your panties. He looked up to into your eyes, silently asking for permission. You gave him a subtle nod, and with that, he quickly pulled them down your legs.

He started slow, kissing all over the top of your pelvis. He left little bites across your thighs, as he slowly brought a finger up between your folds, but never entering you. When you were sufficiently writhing and moaning, he slowly slid a finger into your entrance as he licked a slow circle around your hardened clit. On instinct, you bucked up into his mouth. He used his free hand to press down on your pelvic bone, pushing you back down into the bed. He continued to lap and suck on your clit, as he added another finger and slowly fucked them in and out of you. You let out a breathy moan at the sensations.

“Baby,” he began as he removed his lips from your clit, never ceasing the fucking of his fingers. You looked down at him, the sight you were met with enough to make you gasp, as his face was already covered in your juices. “You are a fucking goddess. You taste amazing” he finished, as he began sucking on your clit again, causing you to let out a guttural moan. You watched as he licked down to where his fingers were fucking you, licking up your juices and moaning himself as he tasted more of you. He began to pump his fingers faster, as he added pressure to your clit with his tongue, licking across it, up and down, in time with his fingers. You could feel yourself begin to tighten around his fingers, clenching each time he would thrust them back into you. You were a writhing mess beneath him, squirming and groaning with each movement of his. With his free hand, he grabbed one of yours and you squeezed it tight.

“Come on angel, I know you’re so close. You deserve this. Cum for me, baby.” You let out a sob as he sucked hard on your clit, his tongue circling it. “I feel you baby, you’re getting so tight on my fingers.” He talked you through it as you gasped and moaned. “That’s it baby, yes, yes,” he urged as you let out a scream. “Come on baby, cum. Cum all over my face, baby. Yes, there you go” he praised as the breath left your lungs and your vision went white. You squeezed your thighs together, trapping his hand inside of you as he continued to fuck you through it. “Good girl, that’s so good. You did amazing, angel.” He placed a kiss to your clit as he removed his fingers.

Jake crawled back up your body and immediately kissed you with all the passion in the world. You could taste yourself on him as he lapped into you, both of you moaning in sync. “God, baby, that was so beautiful. You came so beautifully for me.” He praised between kisses. He pulled away and stared into your eyes with so much adoration, it made you tear up again. “God, Y/N, I love you so much.”

You reached a hand up and caressed his face. “I love you too” you replied as a tear left your eye. You reached both hands down and began tugging on the waistband of his briefs, his hardened cock springing free from its confines as you pulled them down his hips. He pulled them off the rest of the way and lined himself up with you.

You stared into each other’s eyes as he entered you slowly, both of you groaning as he filled you up. Once he bottomed out, he grabbed one of your hands and laced your fingers together, and brought his other hand up to your cheek. “I love you, so fucking much, beautiful girl.” He smiled as you sniffled, your eyes never leaving his. “You are everything to me, Y/N. I’ll show you every day. You are an angel. Fucking gorgeous.”

You blinked as tears escaped, cascading down your cheeks as you smiled at him. “I love you, too.” You answered. He placed a kiss to your lips, full of passion and intensity. When he pulled away, you both smiled at each other, your gazes never leaving each other’s, as he slowly began to thrust in and out of you.

He leaned down and began kissing you again, both of you moaning as the kisses grew sloppier along with his thrusts. You were squeezing each other’s hands and using your free hands to tangle them in each other’s hair. In between each thrust and kiss, Jake was filling your ears with praises and adoration. He repeated over and over how much he loved you and how beautiful you are like a mantra, both of you moaning as he hit the spot deep inside you, his rhythm picking up slightly.

It wasn’t long before you were clenching around him, as he whispered, “God, you’re so fucking sexy when you cum around me”, your climax washing over you in waves of pleasure as he continued making love to you. As you cried out, he spilled into you, groaning your name.

He kissed your cheeks, your hairline, your nose, and your eyelids as they closed. He never let go of your hand as he kissed your lips again.

He pulled away so his face hovered above yours again. “I love you, so much, my beautiful baby.”

You caressed his cheek and he leaned into your touch, his eyes not leaving yours. “I love you, Jake. Thank you so much.”

He turned his head slightly and placed a kiss to your palm. He got up slowly and went to the bathroom and came back with a warm washcloth. He knelt between your legs and cleaned himself off of you, placing a chaste kiss on each thigh, and just above your bellybutton.

After he deposited the cloth into the hamper, he climbed back into bed with you, both of your rolling onto your sides to face each other. You were both so spent, there were no words left to say, anything you could speak being said with your actions. He kissed your forehead, and then placed a light kiss to each of your closed eyelids. You fell asleep facing him, in each other’s arms, legs intertwined as he stroked your back lightly. -fin.

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radiantlyrey · 11 months

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TRON Fic: A sort-of sequel AU thing... (Part Three)

Part One Part Two

Continuing on with the "Flynn brings Alan and Lora to the Grid" AU. Sorry this took so long to post; one of the scenes here kind of got long, and then I got distracted by other ideas to write and yeah. It happens~~ At any rate, here are the next 2500 (!!!) words of the story... (next part may be a while coming, jsyk)

~~~

Well, at least one of us is having a good time, Alan thinks as Tron drives them through the city. Lora called shotgun, and she’s looking out the windows in obvious wonder, asking Flynn and Tron a flurry of questions. Alan can tell just by listening to her that she’s in full-on scientific observation mode, and more than once, she’s bemoaned the fact that she didn’t bring along the legal pad to take notes. He hasn’t seen her like this since… well, since she was still working at Encom. In a way, it’s not surprising she’s so excited; this place is the culmination of her work on the laser, work she might have been able to finish if things had gone differently at Encom.

Alan looks out the narrow backseat window. The city looks the same as it did where they arrived, all bright lines and stark black shapes, but the streets are busier, crowded with people (or programs, he supposes) and vehicles going places he can’t begin to guess. He tried counting the programs at first, but lost count somewhere in the mid-seventies. It’s all so much—so much city, so many programs. He turns away from the window and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

Flynn, sitting to his left in the other back row seat, notices. “You feeling all right, Alan?”

“I’m fine,” Alan says, though he’s not sure that he is. “Just… overwhelmed.”

“It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?” Flynn glances out his window, then back at Alan. “But it’s really something else, don’t you think?”

“I mean…” He shrugs. “We’re having this conversation inside a computer, Flynn. You tell me.”

Flynn chuckles. “It is pretty damn crazy.”

Alan snorts. “It’s something.” He eyes the window and the world outside again. “Where are we going, anyway?”

“The admin tower,” Flynn replies. “We’ll be able to get an aircraft there, really give you guys the bird’s-eye view of everything. Plus, you and Lora need discs, and we can take care of that there, too.”

“Discs?” Alan asks, his brow furrowing.

Flynn reaches over his shoulder and pulls something off his back. It’s a black ring, with a thin line of light running over the center of it, almost extending the whole way around. “Identity discs,” he says, showing it to Alan. “It’s basically a functional ID—it records everything you see and do, and it’s handy as a weapon, too.” Flynn adjusts his grip on the disc and for a moment, the whole outside edge lights up, hissing like a high-powered saw. He turns the effect off with another change in his grip. “Cool, right? Not that we’re gonna run into any trouble tonight, but—better safe than sorry.”

“Right,” Alan says. “You said it records everything you see? How does it do that?”

Flynn shrugs. “Hell if I know. Look…” He holds the disc flat and touches the inside rim with his thumbs. Almost at once, a holographic portrait of Flynn appears over the open center of the disc, rotating slowly. Flynn reaches a hand up and taps the image, which changes, resolving into a shimmering picture of Alan sitting in the lightrunner. “This is my memory access. I can rewind it—” He runs a finger along the disc’s inner edge, and the image reverses itself like a video running backwards. “It even has the stuff I do at home saved,” Flynn adds, and indeed, the hologram soon shows Alan and Lora in the arcade basement. “Don’t have a clue why it works, only that it does. Which is honestly par for the course for everything in here.” With another tap of his finger, the image vanishes completely. He leans forward and hooks the disc back where it was. “Of course, discs also have a program’s permissions and things like that. What accesses they have, what kind of commands they can create.”

“Sounds interesting,” Alan says, feeling more lost than ever.

“Sounds to me like something worth looking into,” Lora comments from the front seat, Evidently she’s been listening. “Nothing happens for no reason, Flynn, especially in science.”

“Well, you are the PhD in the car, so I’ll defer to your judgement,” Flynn says with a grin.

Lora grins back, and then Alan notices the lightrunner slowing to a stop. “Are we here?” he asks, looking around.

“We are,” Tron says. “Welcome to the admin tower.”

~~~

The admin tower is never very busy, but it seems to Tron that every program who works there is lurking in the halls tonight. They pass a dozen programs (many of them openly staring) before they even reached the lobby elevator. As annoyed as he is, Tron can’t exactly blame them. Alan_1 and Lora_B are the first Users to come to this system besides Flynn himself. Flynn’s talked for cycles about opening the Grid up to Users; now that promise seems to be coming to fruition. Many programs will want to say they were there, when the first Users arrived, that they got to see them with their own eyes.

Still, they could stand to be a little more discreet. He shoots a glare at a couple of staring programs; they immediately turn and resume their work. Flynn’s already reached the elevator, and he holds the door as Tron lengthens his stride to catch up. “I take it word got around?” Flynn asks.

“Clu probably disseminated your message to the tower staff when we left,” Tron replies. “There’s certainly more programs hanging around than usual this millicycle.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Alan_1 asks, looking concerned.

Tron shakes his head. “No,” he replies. “Most of them are just curious, I think.”

“About us?” Alan_1 gestures to include Lora_B in his question.

“Well, you guys are the first new Users the Grid has seen since yours truly built the place,” Flynn points out.

“And what does that mean?” Alan_1 asks, glancing between Flynn and Tron for an answer.

“It means,” Tron say, “that something greater than ourselves has come to see us. To help us build this new system. On the old system, your Encom system, our Users were… apart from us. Reachable, through the I/O towers, but only just. And then Flynn came,” he continues, “and changed everything for us. We were right that our Users existed, but wrong about how much we thought they knew.”

“And now we’ve got this new system,” Flynn says. “Where everything’s gonna be open, between programs, and Users, and… At least that’s what I hope we’re gonna do.” He smiled. “And you two are welcome to help us out.”

“More than happy to help,” Lora_B replies.

Alan_1 is about to answer as well, but then the elevator comes to a stop, and the doors open to reveal the administrative suite.

The suite takes up the entire top floor of the building, with most of the space given over to workstations keeping track of activity in every part of the Grid. There’s also a few office spaces for Flynn, Clu, and Tron himself, though Tron hardly ever uses his. He’s always found it easier to deal with the Grid’s security issues from the ground up, while Flynn and especially Clu prefer to take a top-down view of things.

The half-dozen programs who normally work this millicycle are all present, and all thankfully at their workstations. A few of them look up as Tron and the Users file out of the elevator, but only one actually comes up to greet them: Ashe, the program in charge of operations when Clu and Tron aren’t here. She cuts the same severe-yet-stylish figure as always, with her white hair pulled back in a tight bun, and light splashes of eye makeup to accentuate her dark skin. She wears a data interface over her right eye, and her suit’s light lines only cover the lapels of her jacket. Her low heels clack on the floor as she approaches, and she stops just in front of Tron and smiles politely.

“Tron, Creator,” she says, nodding to them both. “Welcome back. And Users.” Her gaze falls on Alan_1 and Lora_B. “Greetings. Welcome to the Grid.”

“Uh. Thank you?” says Alan_1.

“Of course. My name is Ashe, and I would be delighted, if there is time, to show you some of the work we do here to improve this system.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Lora_B says. “I’m Lora, and this is Alan. We’re delighted to be here.”

“Thank you for the welcome, Ashe,” Flynn says, stepping forward. “We’re gonna need a couple of blank discs, and disc mounts, if you could call downstairs—”

“There’s no need for that, Creator,” Ashe replies. “Clu explained everything when he called in for a Recognizer. The discs and mounts are waiting in your office.”

“Oh…kay. Thank you again, Ashe.” He glances at Alan_1 and Lora_B. “If you’ll follow me…” He waves them on, and begins crossing the suite floor to the center office.

Tron watches them go for a moment, then turns briefly to Ashe. “Clu happen to say where he was going in that Recognizer?”

Ashe doesn’t bat an eye. “The Isomorph annex, I believe. He said he needed to oversee construction there.”

Tron represses a sigh with difficulty. “All right. Thank you.” He nods at Ashe in acknowledgement, and she returns to her workstation as he heads over to Flynn’s office.

As the doors open to admit him, he hears Flynn’s laughter. “All right, I admit it,” he’s saying when Tron walks in, “it is a bit of an ego booster. Don’t worry too much about it, though. Between Clu and Tron I get regular head deflations.”

“That conversation with Clu didn’t look like it went too well for you,” Alan_1 comments with a chuckle.

“For example, yes. And it did not, thanks for the painful reminder.” Flynn walks over to his desk, where two discs and disc mounts sit on the smooth black surface. “Anyway, discs! Come here, you two. Hey, Tron, you wanna lend a hand?”

Tron follows Alan_1 and Lora_B to Flynn. “What do you need, Flynn?”

He hands him one of the discs and its mount. “Get Alan set up. I’ll do Lora.”

Alan_1 glances at him. “What do you need me to—?”

Tron meets his eyes again, just briefly. “Stand with your back to me,” he says, and Alan_1 complies. Tron activates the disc mount for placement with one hand. “I’m applying the disc mount to your back now,” he explains. “It will latch onto your clothing, and you might feel a slight pulse.” Alan_1 nods as Tron does this, and only flinches a little as the mount settles itself.

He turns the disc over in his hands. “I am now giving you your identity disc. Everything you do or learn on this system will be imprinted on this disc. It is your first defense in an emergency. Guard it as closely as you can. Do you understand?”

Alan_1 takes a moment to answer, but when he says “Yes,” his voice is confident and clear.

“Then here is your disc, Alan_1. It will activate and synchronize when I place it on the mount.” He hooks the disc onto the mount and locks it gently into place. A slight shudder runs through Alan_1, and then the disc’s inner ring of light illuminates. The disc is live and synchronized.

“That was—something else,” Alan_1 says, turning around. “But—thank you for your help, Tron.”

Tron nods. “It was my honor, Alan_1.”

He rubs the back of his neck with one hand, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You can just call me Alan, you know. Lora, too. If it’s easier for you, that is.”

“I—” Tron stares for half a micro, it seems, then blinks and recovers himself. “That would be—thank you. Alan.” The name without its unique designator feels strange in his mouth; he tries not to let his discomfort show on his face. But Alan has already turned his attention back to Lora, whom Flynn is currently outfitting with her disc.

As Flynn locks her disc into place, the same small shudder runs through her, and Tron sees the telltale blue flash in her eyes that indicates synchronization. She blinks, then turns to Flynn. “Is it supposed to feel that strange?” she asks.

“A little bit,” Flynn replies. “It’s the sync with your disc that you’re feeling. From now on, it’ll happen every time you enter the system, but I’ve found the feeling tends to get lost in the disorientation of digitization.”

Alan sighs. “Is it weird that I was almost able to follow all that?”

“Not in the slightest,” Flynn tells him with a grin.

“That’s what I was afraid of.” Alan rubs his forehead with one hand. “So when’s this grand tour of yours supposed to start?”

“We can head up to the roof in a minute, but before I forget—I need to update your permissions, both of you.”

“What does that mean?” Lora asks.

“Well,” Flynn says, “right now, you guys are just designated in the system as basic Users. You can access pretty much any code on the Grid, but the kinds of changes you can make are limited. Turn around, please, Alan.” Alan turns, and Flynn taps the center of his disc, opening a limited readout of Alan’s data. “If y’all are gonna be helping me build stuff in here, you’re gonna need more access than that.”

“Which means what, exactly?” Alan asks.

“I’m making you both sub-admins,” Flynn replies. “You’ll be on the same kind of level as Clu and Tron, except with a User’s permissions instead of a program’s.” He taps a few things in Alan’s disc, then closes it out. “Done. Lora, you next.”

As Flynn makes the necessary changes to Lora’s disc, Alan frowns, then glances at Tron. “Is all of this as weird for you as it is for me?”

Tron considers the question, then answers, “I will admit, I was… startled by Flynn’s message. I didn’t expect him to bring Users to the Grid so soon. But if he wants you both here, and wants you to help, then I imagine he had a good reason for doing what he did.” Alan’s expression is still troubled, though. Tron continues, “It is—strange, meeting you. Alan… my User. But… I cannot say that I regret meeting you, as strange as it is.”

A smile crooks up the corner of Alan’s mouth. “I can’t say I regret meeting you, either, Tron. Thank you.”

And then Flynn finishes altering Lora’s disc, and calls for them to follow him up to the roof, where they should be able to get hold of an aircraft and begin the tour of the Grid. Tron and Alan exchange a glance, and Tron feels a sort of understanding pass between them. They’re doing this for their friend, Flynn, for all that it is in many ways a flight of fancy. As Tron follows Alan up the stairs to the roof access, he feels a blossoming hope within himself. This is the start of something new, and he can’t wait to see what this future with Alan and Lora will lead to.

#tron #tronblr #tron fic #my fanfic #kevin flynn #alan bradley #lora baines #sorry again this took so long!!#enjoy!!!

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spikeinthepunch · 1 year

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i feel like it may be worth just rambling about my website and what things id like to do with it in terms of rehauling the look. i am always the type to say "no, this will stay in my brain until i know for sure what i want to do". but that often means fleeting ideas dont stick and not talking about it makes it hard to properly envision

my website kind of got a solid look mid-early last year after i learned more html formatting and i quite like it- a landing page, a home page, and a few spin off pages (project site and coffini outlet). i didnt feel like i acheived what i wanted to emulate out of the old web though- making the page feel like a proper "home" or diving into my own personal world.

i mostly considered the first solid design to be temporary as i figure out what i wanted to do with a theme that felt more homey, but that didnt happen for a variety of reasons.

the main struggle out of all of it is actually making the assets. there is a lot of ways i could tackle the "old internet" look with assets. low quality jpegs? pixel art? low poly 3d gifs? many other things i am not experienced with making either- and the aesthetic i think i would go for most is pixel art. and even outside of the style is just SO much stuff to make. i gotta make the background? the containers? the buttons? the borders? scroll bar? and every other little decoration!! it is overwhelming especially when i dont even know if i can make it all myself in a way i like because i havent done much pixel art.

in terms of what i want to do though (lets not forget i am writing this to also remind myself what i want to do) outside of my annoyance for procrastinating- i want to rework my landing page to be cuter and more themed. everything to be more themed. obviously i lean a lot on space aesthetics, and would certainly want the landing page to be about that. either something like, a spaceship gif and the puffs of smoke linking to the homepage/etc. or a solar system. home page, i still want to be similar layout as to keep it easy to navigate... but id want to carry that look very heavily still. want think giving the containers a sort of mechanical sci-fi look would be neat, like youre inside a ship. or maybe make it look like holographic screens (id want to try and keep my light color text on a dark background look). for coffini outlet, i want to make all the graphic myself and probably alter the layout a bit? but not too much, as i think this one is ideal for reading still. so really, just a more original header image. for my project page? i quite like it as is, i made it more recently with some help of a template.

so those are the thoughts i have. aside from the aesthetics i know i really want to improve on my code in terms of making it semi workable on phones but also way more usable on different window size.... currently this is a big problem still on some pages:

improving the technical side of the website is important and i think my meds working will help me focus on that a bit more in terms of...learning how to lol. and i do want to sit down and learn properly about the aesthetic parts i feel i dont have the skills for too- ive kind of put a lot of that onthe backburner with all the fan art i have gotten into as well and i feel like i want to pull away from it just a tad in order to focus on original things.

#illunet

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nevermindirah · 3 years

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Yitzhak!

is a character! who Gregadiah What-Is-Math Rucka gave us almost no information about!

I've gone through Tales Through Time #6: The Bear and #1: My Mother's Axe with several magnifying glasses and done a lot of googling and taken my copy of the Tanakh off my shelf for the first time since (well, since the last time I needed to read Torah for TOG reasons, which I think was Booker Passover headcanons) and here's the best I can come up with.

In The Bear we meet someone who goes by the name Isaac Blue:

Read on for a lot of comic panel analysis and historical research and Jewish flailing!

So what do we know about this Isaac Blue person?

He's Lorge, he's got curly hair, he's basically a taller version of Joe as drawn by Leandro Fernández (ie an antisemitic stereotype why the fuck did they approve this character design?? and then why did they double down and copy-paste it to Yitzhak??):

He's got a mezuzah on the doorpost of his house in Alaska!

I screamed about the mezuzah way back in January in this post where I (very reasonably) assumed this character was Joe and spun myself a tale about how Booker is still Joe's brother so the mezuzah stays up even though Booker isn't welcome in that house for a century. Bottom line: the mezuzah is a tradition with origins in the commandment from Deuteronomy 6:9 to "write the words of G-d on the gates and doorposts of your house" and evolved over the course of the Rabbinic period into the modern mezuzah we see here.

I did unnecessary levels of google image search to glean absolutely no useful information about Yitzhak’s origins from this panel:

I've decided the variant cover of TTT 6 is Yitzhak because of a panel in My Mother’s Axe, shown here, and what's likely an unnecessarily deep reading of Exodus, discussed further down:

The person at the right of the bottom panel is wearing the same clothes as in the TTT 6 variant cover and has the same shoulder-length curly hair and hairy forearms.

Left to right, the people in this panel are Lykon (I'll never get used to him being white in the comics), Andy, Noriko (I think? why doesn't Andy mention her by name here?), and Yitzhak. Andy's robe has a stereotypically Greek design on the sleeve cuff, and I had to stop myself 10 minutes into a Wikipedia rabbit hole because Gregorforth doesn't think that deep about this shit. The solid clues as to timeline that we get in this panel are:

Andy's iron axe

the presence of Lykon, who Andy first met in 331 BCE

So all we know is that Yitzhak is an immortal, he was a contemporary of Lykon, and he's Jewish.

Isaac is the most common Anglicization of Yitzhak (which in turn is the most common Anglophone transliteration of יִצְחָק‎), and Greg always uses the (transliterated) Hebrew when he refers to this character. Yitzhak is the long-awaited child of Abraham and Sarah in Genesis, the child who G-d commanded Abraham to sacrifice but spared at the last minute. I see what you did there, Gregory.

Why Isaac Blue? This is where I pulled out my Tanakh. According to the New JPS translation, blue is the first of three colors of yarn listed in Exodus 35:6 among the gifts requested of the Israelites to construct the priestly garments for the Tabernacle and later the Temple. Then in Numbers 15:38 the Israelites are commanded to "make themselves fringes on the corners of their garments throughout the ages; let them attach a cord of blue to the fringe at each corner."

And now for sandbox timelines party! Gregadiah gave us ALMOST NOTHING to go on, so I'm gonna make my own fun.

I, like many modern Jews, think the stories in the Tanakh are foundational mythology that are valuable because of how they've shaped our people but that contain some fucked-up shit and either way aren't meant to be a record of historical facts. Modern scholarship generally agrees that the community we now call Jews emerged as a distinct group of Canaanites sometime in the late Bronze Age (cw this video's host says the Name of G-d aloud despite being a religious studies scholar who knows that is not a name anyone but the Temple priests are allowed to say). The first non-Biblical written record of the people Israel is from an Egyptian source c. 1200 BCE, and the Biblical kingdom of David and Solomon was probably an exaggeration of whatever really happened during the Bronze Age Collapse. We start getting into historical-fact territory a few centuries into the Iron Age:

588 BCE Solomon's Temple destroyed, Babylonian exile begins

538 BCE Cyrus of Persia allows Jews to return to Jerusalem

515 BCE Second Temple construction complete

332 BCE Alexander the Great At Something I Guess conquered Judea, beginning the Hellenistic period of Jewish history — 331 BCE Andy & Lykon find each other

167 BCE another jerkface Greek king desecrated the Temple and basically outlawed Judaism

164 BCE recapture of Jerusalem and Temple rededication during the Maccabean Revolt

70 CE destruction of the Second Temple by the Romans, beginning of the Rabbinic period of Jewish history that we're still in now

What if... and hear me out... what if immortals come in pairs, and the pairs are:

Andy & Quynh

Joe & Nicky

Booker & Nile

LYKON & YITZHAK

What if Yitzhak was a priest of the Second Temple? What if he and Lykon killed each other just like Joe and Nicky would in the same city around 1300 years later, but instead of enemies-to-lovers speedrun with an absurdly long happily-ever-after, when Lykon died permanently Yitzhak decided to separate from Andy and Noriko and become the hermit we later see in Alaska?

We don't know how old Yitzhak is compared to the others, only that he was a contemporary of Lykon at a time when Andy was using an Iron Age version of her mother's axe. Other plausible origins for him:

a Jew of the early Rabbinic period, maybe a child or grandchild of people who were still alive before the Second Temple was destroyed

a Judean of the Second Temple era under the Romans or Greeks or Persians, maybe a priest, maybe not

an exilee in Babylon, maybe of the generation who got to return, maybe of the generation who was exiled (he doesn't look like he was 50 at his first death but who knows, he could've been mortal for both)

an Israelite of the Kingdoms of Israel and Judah, maybe a priest of Solomon's Temple or again maybe not

an Israelite wandering in the desert with Moses

THEE Yitzhak, ben Avraham v'Sarah, our patriarch who was brought up for sacrifice and then spared, and then spared again, and then spared again, and again, and again...

or! he could also be a Canaanite or other Levantine who predates the people Israel, who at some point in his very long life chose to join our mixed multitude, who like Andromache before him (and like Avram and Sarai would in this case do after him) took a new name to reflect the magnitude of influence this people has had on him

Why do I keep saying Yitzhak might have been a priest? It's thanks to the one detail in the artwork I could plausibly connect to solid research without getting a PhD real quick. Take a look at the gorgeous detail on the opening of his robe in the TTT 6 cover. He's dressed in rags, holes and dirt everywhere, rough stitches probably from hasty repair work — except for the neck opening. Compare that to this description from Exodus 39:23 of the construction of the priestly garments for the Tabernacle: "The opening of the robe, in the middle of it, was like the opening of a coat of mail, with a binding around the opening, so that it would not tear."

The next verses describe the intricate designs for the hem of the priestly garment. Yitzhak's ragged garment looks like the hem was torn off entirely.

Am I overthinking this? Yes I am! You're welcome!

My friend and historical research hero @lady-writes is in a Discord server with Gregadiah and asked the man himself some questions about all this. He clearly thinks he's being sneaky?? No shit Yitzhak is Jewish, dude, I want DETAILS!

I will not be giving up my Jewish Booker headcanon, I've put too much thought into it by now, the internalized shame of antisemitism explains Booker's depression too well for me, and it just adds so much richness to Booker/Nile both being children of forced diasporas. Fortunately (for him, not me, bc I'd do it anyway!) Gregothy supports fan headcanons even when they're not in line with his own:

One last thing before I close like 100 research tabs and go back to writing historical fantasy and/or porn! I love that, despite that atrocious caricature of a face design, our canon Jew and our fanon Jew are both Lorge and Soft and Kind, flying the face of the antisemitic stereotype of Ashkenazi Jewish men as small and weak, but also not falling into the New Jew / Muscle Jew stereotype that Zionism created. (I am trying SO HARD not to talk about Israel/Palestine for once ughhhhhhhhhh) Anyway here's a (US-centric but very good) primer on both these stereotypes of Jewish masculinity. Is this why I'm forever projecting my transmasc diasporist feels onto Jewish Booker the service sub? 🤷🏻‍♂️

I’ll reblog a second version of this with full image descriptions so that there’s a version accessible for folks who need IDs as well as a version accessible for folks who get overwhelmed by walls of text.

#TOG POC Love Fest #yitzhak #jewish booker #tales through time spoilers #tales through time #tog meta #tog #jewish things #mine #antisemitism #hi i'm an antizionist jew no i don't really want to talk about it

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wri0thesley · 3 years

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[image id: starry sky background with ‘j0succ’s 5(555) follow event over the top of it]

hello everyone!!! i am so so happy that you have all followed me and read my writing and just in general being lovely to me, so i wanted to have an event to both celebrate my milestone and for my birthday (that’s june third, if u guys wanted to idk send me pictures of my husbands that day!). this event will probably stay open until then (although if i get too overwhelmed i might close it early!). i will warn you all when it’s about to close and reblog this post periodically! <3

this event is a mix and match style event with prompts to choose from, and is open for the following fandoms:

- jojo’s bizarre adventure - jujutsu kaisen - my hero academia

please refer to my rules before requesting! (also linked in my profile and pinned post! please also refer to the rules of the event, below the cut!

EVENT STATUS: closed!

[image id: starry sky background with ‘rules’ over the top of it]

As mentioned above, this is a ‘mix and match’ event! First, choose a character: you may choose two characters in a poly relationship, if you want! If your idea features more than one character not in a poly relationship, please make that clear in the request! Then, choose some options from the four categories!

The four categories are

- Base. This is basically an AU category; you do not have to pick one, but if you don’t the fic will be set in the canon universe as detailed! You may also pick your own if the one you would like isn’t listed! If you choose something from this category, you can only choose one.

- Sweet Add-On. This is the SFW plot category! Again, you can only pick one from this category; if you choose something from the Spicy category as well, it will become Fluffy NSFW - if you choose just something from this category, or something from this category and the base category, you will receive just fluff! This category cannot be combined with the Dark Add-On.

- Spicy Add-On. This is the kink category! You can pick as many from this category as you would like, but try and keep in mind how they might work with each other and your other choices! There is also an option for adding in your own kinks if I haven’t mentioned what you’d like; please keep my rules in mind! This category can be combined with any of the other categories.

- Dark Add-On. This is the Dark Content category. You can pick as many from this category as you like, and an option is included if your dark idea is not on the list! This category cannot be combined with the Sweet Add-On.

if this all sounds a little complicated, you can scroll down to the bottom of this post to see some examples of what not to do and what to do! I have numbered all of the prompts for my convenience, but you can use their number or their name to refer to them, I don’t mind!

my default for writing is an afab, gender neutral reader (or occasionally an afab fem reader); if you would like something different, please include it in the request, but also keep in mind that i don’t have much experience writing amab readers and may not be good at it!

[image id: starry sky background with ‘menu (prompts to choose from) written over the top of it]

Base (Choose one, or choose none – if none are chosen, fics will be written in the canon universe as standard!):

1. No AU / Canon Universe 2. No Powers Universe 3. Arranged Marriage AU 4. Monsters AU 5. A/B/O (Alpha, Beta, Omega) AU 6. Historical AU 7. Royalty AU 8. College/University AU 9. Soulmate AU 10. Apocalypse AU 11. Vampires AU 12. Crime/Organised Crime/Mafia AU 13. Sugar Daddy/Mommy AU 14. Coffee Shop/Bakery AU 15. Florist/Tattoo Artist (Two Opposing Occupation) AU 16. Fake Dating AU 17. Fantasy AU 18. Amnesia AU 19. Angels, Devils and Priests AU 20. Sex Work AU 21. Pick One Not On The List!:

Sweet (SFW) Add-On (choose one or none):

22. First Kiss 23. First Date 24. Cuddles 25. There Was Only One Bed 26. Mutual Pining 27. Huddling For Warmth 28. Taking Care of Each Other 29. Spending A Holiday Together 30. Meeting The ‘Family’ 31. Engagement & Weddings 32. Fake Dating 33. Domesticity 34. Enemies to Lovers 35. Friends to Lovers 36. Trapped Together 37. Comfort 38. Beach Trip 39. Confessions 40. Pregnancy

Spicy (NSFW) Add-On (choose as many as you want!)

41. BDSM 42. Impact Play 43. Pegging 44. Breeding 45. Dacryphilia (crying) 46. Corruption Kink 47. Face-sitting 48. Cunnilingus 49. Somnophilia 50. Size Kink/ Size Difference 51. Edging 52. Orgasm Control 53. Dominant Reader 54. Virginity (please specify whether virgin character or virgin reader!) 55. Masturbation (Mutual, Assisted or Guilty) 56. Choking and Breathplay 57. Petplay 58. Vanilla 59. Cockwarming 60. Sex Toys 61. Public Sex / Exhibitionism 62. Praise Kink 63. Degradation 64. Over-stimulation 65. Aphrodisiac or Sex Pollen 66. Corsetry 67. Voyeurism 68. Pregnant Sex 69. Bondage 70. Choose Something Not On The List!:

Dark Add-On (choose as many as you want):

71. Yandere 72. Non-Con 73. Mindbreak 74. Dub-Con 75. Master/Pet 76. Knifeplay 77. Gunplay 78. Predator/Prey 79. Dumbification / Dollification / Bimbofication 80. Fuck or Die 81.Choose Something Not On The List!:

[image id: a starry sky background with ‘examples’ written over it].

GOOD EXAMPLES:

- hi nat, could i get a fic of prosciutto in an arranged marriage au, maybe with orgasm control and a virgin reader?

- hi!!! maybe a fic for gojo with 59, 63, 71 and 72?

- hello! could i maybe request a florist/tattoo au (15) with confessions (39) and some cunnilingus? with geto, please!

BAD EXAMPLES:

- fic with itadori (i don’t write characters who havent been shown as over eighteen in canon!) with first kiss and yandere (one is from the sweet add-on and one is from the dark add-on, please don’t mix them!)

you can see the current request list (in case you want to check if yours made it through, for ideas, etc) here!

[image id: a starry sky background with ‘thank you all so much! please have fun requesting! written over it.]

I don’t want to gush too much on this post but I am so, so grateful to every one of you who has ever interacted with me, reblogged my posts, recommended me or otherwise - thanks to the Jojo followers who’ve been here since the beginning, my new JJK followers, and my even newer BNHA followers (I haven’t written much for it yet but I hope that this event will help with that!). Having this space makes me so happy!

I hope you all have fun requesting, and feel free to send me questions if you want or need clarification on anything! I’m super excited to get started!

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ps-im-blind · 3 years

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Hi, I’m trying to write image descriptions. Any tips? Can screen readers read emojis? Thanks!

Hello! I know that there are a lot of other blogs that have many more (and frankly better written) tips than I could give, so be sure to check those out (I'll probably add some to this post later, but if anyone else has some posts they can add that would also be very helpful).

The best tip I can think of off the top of my head is to not overthink it too much. A lot of the time, when trying to implement accessible standards, we can feel overwhelmed and pressured to make everything absolutely perfect in order to show our support or acceptance. While the intentions might be good, so much pressure and frustration can often be a "turn off" and lead people to quit on accessibility altogether. Personally, I would rather be able to interact with most of a mutual's posts with a simple description than to rarely be able to interact with a few descriptions that describe every detail of an image. The best way to start making image descriptions is to just...start. Don't worry, you'll learn over time specifics about image descriptions, whether from this blog (or other blindness blogs) or just from VIPs who interact with your posts.

The second thing I would say, is to keep it concise. Part of keeping the images simple is to describe only what is most important. For example, if you have a quote or text in an image, it isn't as important to know the font or the color and background as it is to know what the text actually says. (does this makes sense?)

Lastly...please don't put your ID's under a cut. Just. Don't.Hope that helps. If you have questions about a specific type of image (like an aesthetic image or piece of art) let me know!(Also sorry. This ask has been in my box for months, and I'm just now getting to it...)

#image descriptions #accessibility #ask a VIP

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sincerelyella · 3 years

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Always Remember Us This Way Part 2

Book: The Royal Heir (AU)

Pairings: Liam x MC (Ella); Drake x OC (Alyssa Devereaux Walker)

Song Inspiration: Always Remember Us This Way by Lady Gaga

Characters belong to Pixelberry; MC Queen Ella Rys and Malia Rys belong to me; Alyssa Walker belongs to the amazing @burnsoslow and used with permission in this series.

Catch up here

A/N: In celebration of King Liam and Queen Ella’s baby girl being born in TRH2 I wanted to write something to commemorate it (kinda). Some things are canon, but don’t expect it to follow the book much.

Big thank you to @burnsoslow for reading over this and editing and making suggestions so I don’t sound like a crazy person.

Warnings: TW: angst; TW: blood; TW: childbirth complications; TW: possible major character death. There are mentions of real medical emergencies and procedures, if this is a trigger for you please don’t read any further. Also, I do not work in a maternity unit at my hospital so please excuse any inaccuracies.

Words: 2481

Liam sat in the corner of the suite that was originally assigned to Ella in the maternity unit. He sat next to his newborn daughter, Malia, occasionally checking on her if she whined or cried. The nursing staff had started checking on both him and Malia, feeding her formula or changing her diaper. He was thankful for the help since he couldn’t seem to function. He hardly spoke to anyone, he didn’t call anybody; all he could do was sit and stare at Malia.

He kept thinking about Ella; the last time he saw her smile, the last time he kissed her mouth, the last words she said to him, the last time he heard her sing.

So when I’m all choked up, And I can’t find the words

Every time we say goodbye, Baby, it hurts

It had been about an hour or so since he last saw his wife, he couldn’t get the last image of her out of his mind. She was extremely pale, unconscious, with her mouth open. Her beautiful face looked so … lifeless. Liam leaned forward in his chair, hands covering his face as he started to sob. He didn’t know how long he sat there crying; his whole body heaved as he tried to suck in air. She made me promise to save our baby. He knew this is what she would have wanted, but why? He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked at Malia again, reaching over to touch her little body. Somehow, being close to his baby girl made him feel closer to her mother, and it gave him some peace. “I’m sorry I let you down, princess,” he whispered shakily as he tried to hold back a sob. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. We were supposed to be happy together. We were supposed to take you … home … ” he trailed off and sucked in a breath to hold in the tears.

When you look at me, And the whole world fades

I’ll always remember us this way

Suddenly, his phone rang in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw Drake’s face on the caller ID. He swiped to answer and just held the phone to his ear, unable to say the words.

“Li?”

Liam mustered all the energy he could, but his voice still cracked as he spoke. “Drake.”

“Liam. What’s going on?” Drake could sense it; he heard the wavering in Liam’s response. Something wasn’t right, and his best friend had never called him and Alyssa after leaving for the hospital. He heard Liam’s erratic breathing on the other end of the phone. “Liam! What is it? Is it the baby?”

Liam broke down on the phone. He couldn’t speak; he just cried and didn’t give a damn who heard him. He could vaguely hear Drake on the other end panicking, then hanging up abruptly. Liam let the phone fall from his ear to the floor. I shouldn’t have answered that.

Drake hastily hung up on Liam. Why did no one call me?! What the fuck is happening? Drake fumbled with the phone. His mind was going a mile-a-minute after hearing his best friend lose control of his emotions. The always stoic king wouldn’t just display his emotions like that in public ... unless it had something to do with his family. He wasn’t sure what to think or how bad it was going to be. He dialed Bastien’s number and waited … and waited … and waited. He growled, cursing under his breath as he hung up.

“Drake? Why are you growling? Did you get in touch with Liam?” Alyssa walked out from the bedroom, seeing her husband’s panic stricken face, and her eyes widened. “What’s going on? Is it the baby?!”

“I-I don’t know! I called Liam and he …” he trailed off, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

“He what?” Alyssa’s heart filled with dread, the pregnancy hormones didn’t help matters. She hastily walked to her him and placed her hands on his cheeks to look at her. Her husband rarely cried, and right now, he was very close to it.

“I don’t know, Lyss,” he whispered. “I asked … about the baby … and he completely lost it on the phone.”

Alyssa gasped, her hand flying to her mouth, eyes immediately watering. “Oh my God, do you think it’s Ella? We have to go!”

Drake sprang up from the couch and fell into step with his wife who rushed to the front door. He grabbed his keys from the kitchen island, and the pair made their way to the truck to head for the hospital.

There was a knock on the door of the maternity suite, and Liam snapped his head up, opening his eyes. He blinked to refocus and saw Dr. Ramirez standing there, studying him with a worried look. Liam stood abruptly, trying to wake himself up. “I-I’m sorry … I must have fallen asleep.” He wrinkled his brow. “Where is my wife?”

Dr. Ramirez stepped forward. “Her Majesty was bleeding profusely. I apologize if you were removed from the room but- ”

“It’s fine, doctor, but my wife?” He punctuated the last few words. “I want …” He took a breath in and let it out slowly to control the overwhelming emotion building in his chest. “I … need … to see her.” He didn’t want words right now; he just wanted to see Ella.

Dr. Ramirez nodded in understanding. “I can take you to her now; the nurses will watch Malia here.”

Liam nodded and turned to Malia before leaving. “Daddy will be back soon; I love you.” He gently kissed his daughter on the forehead before following Dr. Ramirez to the intensive care unit, Bastien following close behind.

As they walked, Liam turned to Bastien.

“Your Majesty?”

“Please have guards outside of Malia’s room.”

Bastien nodded, “Yes, sir.”

Once they reached the ICU, Liam was taken to a large area that had no patients. “Why are all the rooms empty?”

“This wing has been cleared out so that Her Majesty is the only one here.”

Liam nodded, his anxiety rising as they got closer to a single area of the unit that looked like it was occupied.

Dr. Ramirez stopped in front of a door with a guard standing outside of it and turned to Liam. “She is stabilized for now; however, we admitted her here so we can watch her closely. I just wanted to warn you, Your Majesty” - Dr. Ramirez placed a hand on Liam’s arm to get him to look at her - “She has a lot of wires around her, she’s getting medication and blood, and she isn’t awake yet. It might be a little … overwhelming for you.”

Liam nodded and waved his hand so the guard would move. He slowly turned the knob and peered inside. He felt tears of joy, relief, and the pain from being so close to losing her fall from his eyes as he walked towards the bed and grasped her small hand in his. Liam leaned over to kiss her lips, cheeks, forehead … any part he could reach, he kissed. “I thought I lost you, I love you, don’t leave me again,” he whispered in between kisses. He vowed to himself that he would never take another day with her, his family, for granted.

He finally sat back in the chair next to the bed, put their intertwined hands on his forehead and thanked God she was still there with him.

A knock pulled him out of his moment and Dr. Ramirez walked inside. “Your Majesty, are you ready for me to answer some questions now?”

“Y-yes, I’m sorry … I just needed to … see her,” he croaked as the lump grew in his throat.

“I understand; please don’t apologize.” She pulled a chair up to sit in front of him. “So I’ll explain what happened. You can ask me whatever comes to your mind.”

Liam nodded.

“Her Majesty had a retained placenta. This means that the sac that held Malia was supposed to come out just a little while after Malia was born. But in Her Majesty’s case, it didn’t. A small piece of it was attached to the wall of her uterus.”

“How … did that happen?”

“Unfortunately, the causes are still unknown. There are risk factors for it, but she didn’t have any of them when I was seeing her throughout her pregnancy. The only thing that I can think of was that her labor was somewhat long and extremely difficult for her. That could have played a factor.”

“Okay, so she’s not bleeding right now?”

“Well, after childbirth she will be bleeding; that’s normal. The problem was that her placenta needed to be removed and that area cauterized. We gave her medication to stop the hemorrhage from that area. She was bleeding entirely too much, so much so that her blood pressure dropped to a dangerous level and her heart rate spiked.”

“Is that why she was …” His eyes welled up again, and he clenched his jaw to stop them from falling. “Is that why she was … unconscious and pale?”

Dr. Ramirez nodded. “Yes, the blood loss made her pass out, and that’s the reason her blood pressure was so low. She had a lot less blood volume in her body than normal, and her heart was beating faster to compensate.”

Liam nodded again.

“She has a blood transfusion going right now. We’ll see how she does with that and recheck her.”

“When do you think she’ll … wake up?”

“It’s hard to say, her vitals are stable right now; and we took her off oxygen a little bit ago.”

“Thank you … so much for saving … my wife.” His voice hitched at his last words, and he cleared his throat. “I thought I’d lost her …”

“Please don’t thank me, Your Majesty. This is my job, and it’s an honor to be her doctor.” She gave him a small smile. “She means a lot to all of us as well.” Liam smiled in understanding. His wife took the hospital on as her personal project when she became queen. She made it her mission to assist with quality assurance and worked with many doctors and nurses to improve hospital flow and policies. Dr. Ramirez paused and cleared her throat before she got emotional. “Now, you know how to get in touch with me should you have any questions or concerns?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Dr. Ramirez curtsied and left the room, while Bastien poked his head inside. “I’m sorry about this, sir, but Drake has called me nonstop. What do you want me to tell him?”

“I’ll call him and tell him what happened.”

Bastien nodded and closed the door behind him.

Drake and Alyssa ran into the hospital, looking for the maternity unit.

“There!” Drake yelled and they rushed to the front desk.

“Excuse me,” Alyssa said, out of breath, to the secretary at the desk. “We’re here to see Queen Ella. We know she went into labor earlier this morning.”

“How are you related to Her Majesty?”

“We are her best friends, practically family. I expect you’ll see us on the security clearance list.” Alyssa said in a firm tone, setting her lips in a hard line. “King Liam hasn’t been answering our calls. W-we need to see her!” Her voice cracked, the tears in her eyes threatening to fall.

Drake gently held his wife and rubbed her shoulders.

“I need to check with protocol, ma’am. I’m very sorry about this, but … the royal family have certain security measures in place.” The secretary gave them an apologetic look.

“It’s fine, thank you. We’ll wait over here,” Drake coaxed his wife to sit on one of the chairs in the family waiting area.

“We’re her family, Drake.” Alyssa wailed. “We should be able to see her!”

“Shhh, I know, but if something happened to her or the baby, they’re going to be extremely cautious.” He regretted his words immediately as he watched Alyssa begin to cry into her hands. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her back as he let her cry.

“D-did you try … calling Bastien … again?” she sniffled into his chest.

“I’ll try again, baby,” he assured her, as he dug into his pocket, fishing for his phone. He pressed Bastien’s number and hoped that damn man answered his phone this time.

“Drake.” He heard Bastien’s lowered voice on the other end of the line.

“Bastien! What the fuck is going on? Why haven’t you answered my calls?!” Drake forgot where he was as he shouted; his voice carried through the halls.

“I’m sorry, Drake, but we … didn’t have any answers and His Majesty was-”

Drake sighed in frustration. “Just … where is he, Bastien? Where is Ella? And the baby?”

Drake heard a beeping on his phone and looked down to see that Liam was calling him. “Bas, Liam is calling-”

“You need to answer that.” Bastien promptly hung up, and Drake answered Liam’s call.

“Li. Where are you? Lyss and I are here in the maternity unit.”

He heard his brother sigh on the other end of the phone. “I’m in the ICU … with Ella.”

“Th-the … what?!”

“I’ll explain everything when you get here. We’re on the fourth floor.”

“We’re on the way.” He hung up and slowly met Alyssa’s stare.

“What did he say?”

Drake took a deep breath in and let it out. “Liam is on the fourth floor-”

“Why? What’s on the fourth floor?”

He paused for a moment, looking at his wife. “He’s in the ICU … with Ella.”

Alyssa’s jaw went slack. “THE ICU?!” Faster than he had ever seen her, she bolted up and ran for the elevator, pressing the button repeatedly.

“Alyssa.” Drake grabbed her hand and held it. “Don’t panic! It’s not good for you or our baby.”

“Don’t panic? Do you know what the ICU is?!” Her lower lip trembled.

“Liam actually was able to actually speak without crying, Lyssa,” he said, trying to calm her down. “I’m hoping that means things are better than they were when I first talked to him.”

The elevators dinged open and they both filed in, pressing the button for the fourth floor. As soon as the elevator doors reopened, Alyssa raced to the nurse’s station.

“We’re here for Queen Ella; the King called us!” Alyssa panted, gripping the counter tightly.

Drake grabbed her quickly and pulled her to him.

“Hey guys.”

Drake and Alyssa turned to see Liam, standing there with puffy, bloodshot eyes, shirt wrinkled and untucked, and his hair disheveled … like he had been running his hands through it all day.

“Wh-where is she, Liam?”

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musingsbycaitlin · 3 years

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Short Story Update

[image description: a textured oil painting of a young man playing the violin in mute, yellow toned colours, in profile. there is a title of “Da Capo Al Fine” in the centre in a pale cream, bold font with a drop shadow. /end id]

Heya! This is the new title for my short story “Sleepless” which I updated on here not too long ago.

I actually wrote that previous update quite a while before I posted it because I’m anxious and this story has undergone many different title renditions and actual plot variations which has been a whirlwind to say the least.

“Da Capo Al Fine” is a classical music term for going back to the beginning and repeating all the way through, a theme very poignant in this story and the main character’s life. The idea of wanting to go back and do it all again, would you do things differently, what can you learn by reliving/self-reflecting on your past actions, etc etc.

I also have a new log-line for this story that I think fits a lot better:

A woman overwhelmed with the guilt of killing someone becomes obsessed with replaying her past to uncover some way to absolve her of the crime.

I have to say I’m really happy with how this writing is going, I haven’t hit any major hiccups yet apart from having to rejig who my narrator was cos I stupidly wrote in second person. This has been a really fun exercise in writing short stories and developing and interesting plot, character and form. My current word count is sitting just above 2000 and I still have a few more scenes to write so I’m expecting (with the way things have been going) to finish this first draft around 3500 words but I’m trying not to set a hard and fast goal. I also just worked out how to get Word on my phone so I will be writing whilst I’m away next week which is good because I worried I was going to miss a week of writing.

Considering I started this story towards the end of June (maybe the final week I really can’t remember), I am planning to have finished my first draft by the end of July if not before then. I will then have a self-editing process, another editing process after my parents rip it to shreds and then I have been thinking of maybe asking some people on here to critique and send my some simple line edits so that I can have alternate perspectives. I mean let me know if you’re interested I guess but don’t feel pressured haha.

That’s all for now, happy writing. Excerpt under “Keep Reading”

Here’s an excerpt:

And you lay there, eyes staring intently at the Artex ceiling and making shapes out of the swirls. Carefully, you bring the blindfold to your face, covering your eyes and bridge of your nose before tightly fastening the back, looping cloth over cloth as your ritual comes to an end. The final string notes of Chopin reverberate around your skull, stinging your eye sockets. You rest your head back against the pillow. Sink into yourself. Reveal your restricted form.

For a moment you’re floating in your own darkness. You don’t feel anything but a numbness creeping over your skin, infecting your veins, until it’s impossible to tell if you’re moving or not. Ripples of bright light pulsate towards your body like being struck by lightning, sudden and visceral jolts syncopating through your limbs. You feel both dead and alive. You both feel and don’t feel. Air catches in your throat and your cheeks start to prickle and purple, unaware if you’re even still breathing.

Sharp breezes swirl around you, tightening your posture, and landing you in a familiar armchair. The walls around you begin to take form; atrocious floral wallpaper with scuffed wooden panelling; crookedly hung family photos, most in sepia, sway on their rusted nails; water damage slowly seeps down from the ceiling. A mud-stained window is cracked open letting a cool blue draught slur its way into the now fully realised room. Mother is stood in the corner fiddling frantically with the cord of a vintage floor lamp, resting uncomfortably on the arm of a cream coloured sofa, shifting her weight every few seconds.

Subconsciously you pick at the exposed foam of the arm chair and look down at your feet which fidget uncontrollably. Outside you can hear people talking, laughing, Uncle Reid’s booming voice overshadowing most of the conversations. A door slams in the distance.

#writeblr #wip #wip excerpt #my writing #short fiction #short story #atlastracking #literary fiction #writing update #dacapoalfine

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germgyuuu · 4 years

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Flash mob | k.sy

shy dancer!kwon soonyoung x anxious!reader

genre: fluff, angst, strangers to friends au.

warnings!: certain sensitive topics, cuss words, anxiety issues, fat shaming, mentions of suicide, bullying, inhaler and pill use(?), if any other warnings please let me know.

word count: 8.6k+

In which, this random dancer in a flash mob you crashed unknowingly helps you overcome your fears and teaches you what it’s like to really be happy.

A/n: I just wanted to let you know that I personally have never faced any of the issues mentioned here so I want to apologise in advance if in case this offends anyone for that was not my intention. This may not be exactly like how it works in real life but I just wanted to bring a bit of light on these topics that I’ve come across in my friend circle and just let people know that you’ll be okay and one day, either you will find someone to help you, or you yourself will overcome all this and become a stronger and better version of you.

P.S- this is also my first time writing something like this so criticism is very much needed.

4 pm.

Sighing as you finally stretched, you placed the pencil in between the pages you were reading before shutting the book and placing it on the table. You glanced at the wall in front of you covered with paintings done from different shades of black and dark purple. You smile slightly as your paintings bring you a sense of calmness.

Pushing yourself up again the desk, you stood up straight, making your way downstairs to grab something to eat.

“It’s a Sunday. I can’t believe you’re studying. You really need to go outside, honey”, your mother smacks your arm as she hands you a plate of toasted bread. “At least for a walk, even if it’s just for ten minutes”. You groan as you take the plate while rubbing your arm.

You make your way to the living room peeking at your younger brother focused while playing something on his playstation.

Taking a seat, ready for your ten minute break before you had to go back to studying again, you grabbed the piece of toast but before you could take a bite, your phone began to ring. You glance at the phone screen that lit up with the caller ID, contemplating within whether or not to pick up. Knowing your best friend and the temper tantrums she put up, you eventually decided to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Y/n”

“Yeah?”

“Get ready”

“What?”

“I said get ready we’re going out”

“What? No”

“Yes. There’s a huge celebration going on downtown. We have to go”

“I’m not really interested”

“You never are if it’s doesn’t include something related to studying or painting”

You shrugged, not really caring enough to respond.

“Listen, I’m begging you. I’ve never forced you to go anywhere with me if you didn’t want to, but I really need you this time. Mom’s making me go with Kyla and her squad so that we could have some ‘sister bonding time’ but I honestly want nothing to do with that bitch-

Grimacing, you remembered your first encounter with Soobin’s step sister. You had never cried or hated yourself as much as you did that day for being so helpless and weak in front of her.

-but I have to do it for mum. I really need your support. You know how bad it gets for me to be alone with her. Please?”

You were a hundred percent ready to tell her no but the fragility and fear in her voice weakened your heart. You thought about it for a few seconds, neither of you speaking.

“Only for an hour”

“Yes, I promise. Oh my god, thank you!”, Soobin cried into the phone as you heard kissing noises. Slightly annoyed, you pull your phone away from your ear, completely ignoring your best friend.

“Okay, so I’ll pick you up in a half hour. I love you. Bye bye”, she laughed as she cut the call.

You sighed as you sunk deeper into the couch, feeling more annoyed that you actually had to get out of the house and that your toast had turned completely cold.

You handed the plate over to your brother, a human food dispenser, watching him gobble up the cold toast as if he hadn’t been fed for days.

“Good boy”, you patted his head as he smacked your hand away, his focus back on the game.

You made your way upstairs, freshened up and picked something to wear from your cupboard. Not really being in the mood to dress up for just staying out an hour, you threw on a pair of worn out jeans and a plain white T-shirt with a small tiger printed on one side of the chest.

The doorbell rang through the house and familiar voices could be heard downstairs followed by loud laughter. Giving yourself one last glance in the mirror, you grabbed your backpack as you wore your shoes while stepping down the stairs.

“Don’t do that. You’re going to trip and hurt yourself one day. Either wear it and walk or wait till you’re downstairs to wear”, your mom grunted as she sent glares towards you.

“But anyways, I’m just glad you’re finally taking a proper break. Have fun and genuinely enjoy it”, your mother squeezed your shoulders as she headed back into the kitchen, giving Soobin a small wave.

“Let’s go!”, Soobin grabbed you as she pulled you out towards the car.

“Home by 11”

“I’ll be back in an hour”, you shouted out to your mother before stepping into the car.

“Remind me why we’re doing this again?”

“Because my mom is getting married to that slug face’s father and she wishes that we spend some time together before the wedding. We both love my mom and want to see her happy and you love me more and want to see me more happy so you’re here to keep me company and support me”

“I swear to god, if you weren’t here, I probably would have already karate chopped her by now”

You chuckled as you watched your best friend bust out a few miserable attempts at karate poses.

“Oh my god. We’re in public. Could you behave more decently please? I have an image to maintain and I’m not going to let you idiots ruin it for me”

Soobin immediately stopped, clutching onto your arm, as she turned her head away from the devil girl that stood a few feet ahead of you with her minions friends laughing beside her.

They stared at you like you two were stinky pieces of trash thrown into a chamber of gold. Soobin huffed as she pulled you, walking past the girls that quickly jumped out of the way as if being touched by you would turn them into trash too. Ignoring them, you and Soobin looked through the stores that lined the streets.

You had to admit, maybe coming out her wasn’t too bad after all. The festival was grand. It covered almost the entire downtown area. The streets were lined with lights from top to bottom. Every inch of the stores were decorated and the purplish orange sky created a perfect contrast against the bright gold and red lights. You wished you could pause this moment. Just lie down right here in the middle of the road and stare up at the slightly starry lit sky. You wished you could make this place a reality within your mind. A place you could visit whenever you wanted to or needed to.

You were abruptly brought out of your thoughts when you felt someone push against you, causing you both to stumble to the ground. Surprised, you looked up only to see the person grabbing their things, mumbling out an almost inaudible sorry, not even glancing at you, before rushing again in the same direction.

How rude.

“Y/n, you okay?”, Soobin was at your side as she lifted you up and onto your feet. You dusted your palms before patting away the dust on your behind. You glanced up to notice that everyone around you was looking your way, at the commotion that had been caused and almost immediately you felt an overwhelming sensation to drop dead. Your palms become sweaty as you started to breath haphazardly. White light shined into your eyes and all you could hear was static as you felt your body go limp. Warning bells rang through your head as you saw only red. Your vision slowly started to blur as you felt your legs give way. Your mind felt disconnected from your body. Your body working as if it had a mind of its own.

Accessing the situation, Soobin immediately seated you on the chair of a store you were currently near. She blocked your vision as well as others vision of you. A few more people made their way towards you, worried and frantically trying to see if you were okay. She grabbed the inhaler she had for you in her bag, handing it to you before turning around towards the crowd.

“Everything’s okay. She’s alright. Sorry for the commotion. Please continue whatever you were doing. We’re all good here. Thank you”, she let out a panicked smile as she flung her arms around, desperate to get people’s attention away from you.

When the crowd finally began to disperse, she whipped her head around, her heart beat steadying a bit, watching you take deep breaths from the inhaler. She took out a water bottle placing it near your mouth, providing support for you to drink.

You gulped down the water. It felt like a flood against a decade of drought in your throat. You pushed your head away to take a few more deep breaths as you felt yourself calming down. Glancing at your best friend, you watched her smile, trying to hide the worry and fear behind her eyes. You held her hand, squeezing it softly as you gave her a genuine smile.

“I’m okay”

She dropped her head down at those words, her breathing so rough, you thought she was about to cry.

“Don’t scare me again like that, you bitch”, she smacked you softly over your head before helping you up once again. You laughed at her softly and she interlocked your arms together.

You began making your way down the streets, when you felt someone push past your shoulders.

Kyla glanced back over hers as she murmured loud enough for you to hear.

“Attention whore. What a fake”

You looked down as she and her friends giggled. Apparently this had gone unnoticed by Soobin so you glanced at her to find her typing away at her phone. You rolled your eyes as you realised she was probably texting your mom to inform her about the episode you just had. You chuckled randomly as she looked up at you.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just wanted to say thanks”

“Don’t. I’m your best friend it’s the least I could do”

“.... and here are your fries”, you smiled as you thanked the waiter for your food. You actually had a pretty decent time as you walked past a few stores, shopping for stuff along the way. Had it been only Soobin and you, you knew it would have been a memorable time but even still it was. Although you’d have preferred to not be insulted or ridiculed for every minute thing you did every two minutes.

You handed each person whatever they had ordered before taking your own. You unwrapped your burger as you held it, ready to take a bite.

“Ugh, I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. You’re already pretty fat. We don’t want you putting on more weight now, do we? You’re just making it harder for you to find someone to date”

“Shut up. You have no right to talk about her like that-“

Soobin’s voice was drowned out when suddenly people’s shouts could be heard from behind.

Temporarily forgetting about the conversation you guys were having, all of you turned your head towards the noise, when music started playing. It was one of your favourite songs. An unknowing smile embraced your face as you stretched your neck and body in all directions to catch a glimpse of what was going on outside of the restaurant. Upon noticing the huge crowd and movement, your eyes widened as you realised.

“A flash mob!”

With sparkling eyes, you nodded your head towards Soobin. Being mesmerised by it in movies and YouTube videos, you’ve always wanted to see one in real life. You had such love and admiration to those dancers who were just ready to dance anywhere and everywhere. To have the guts to dance in front of a bunch of random strangers who didn’t even ask to see you, to have such presence and confidence that you make anywhere your stage. To be able to perform so smoothly while still handling a whole crowd. As silly as it sounds, you’ve always wanted to be a part of one, to help make random unsuspecting people who were probably having a bad day feel happy in an instant but you knew you could never handle the attention of so many people on you, let alone the fact that you’ve never even danced in your entire life.

Upon noticing the huge crowd, your felt your anxiety rushing back a bit so you turned back around and focused on the food in front of you. Soobin noticed the way your eyes fell in an instant. She knew about your love for flash mobs when she was once forced to watch at least a few thirty of them straight when you had called her home for a sleepover. It was like a fairy tale to you, a happy place.

You quietly picked up your burger again as you took a bite. Kyla and her friends chuckled as they watched you.

“What? Can’t handle that someone else is getting more attention. What a joke honestly”

“Such an attention seeker”

“As though anxiety is a real thing”

“Probably never even had a person look at you. Who would when you look like that?”

Soobin was about to speak up again when you banged your fits against the table, accidentally poking the fork into the side of your palm. You didn’t flinch as you pressed your nails into your arm. The sound deafening outside but seeming so soft against the silence of your table.

Obviously, a lot of the remarks hurt you. They hit you pretty hard and you had to try your best to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. You were always weak when it came to people speaking about your fears and anxiety attacks because you hadn’t chosen something like this, you were forced to be born with this, forced to deal with this everyday. People always insulted you for this. Bullied you so bad that you thought death could be a solution had it not been for your family and your best friend. All you’ve ever wanted and dreamed of. To have a friend group, to do silly and daring things with them, to go to parties and get drunk, to have a normal life.

Was that too much to ask for?

But this time you had had enough. You were done letting others talk for you, protect you, take all the hits for you instead. You lifted your head sending glares to them as tears flowed down your cheeks freely.

“Shut up”, You scream as loud as you could, somewhat glad that there were not many people in the restaurant. Everyone being too preoccupied with what was going on outside.

“I’m strong!” You shout into their face as you grabbed the fork twisting it around in your palm and stabbing it into the table. You watched their eyes widen before taking off your backpack and placing it on the chair you were seated in a few seconds ago. You turned around stomping you way towards the doors of the restaurant, already regretting your decision.

It’s too late to turn back now.

You paused at the handle of the door as you took a deep breath and pushed it aside, stepping into the crowd. Pushing past them you made your way to the front of the line. Your brain too fumbled up to understand and comprehend what your body was doing.

Just do it. You can regret it later.

You took a few steps forward and were now in the smack middle of the back line of the flash mob. Few of the dancers gave you weird looks but you didn’t notice. You watched the line in front of you and tried to copy the moves they were doing. Key word being tried.

Although failing miserably, you still continued. It took awhile but your brain finally snapped back to reality and you froze in place. It was a crowded street and you probably had thousands of eyes on you. The familiar feeling of someone’s hand around your throat came back to you as you saw red. You stood there helplessly, ready to drop to your knees, regretting this whole decision and just wanting to go back home and lie down in the comfort and privacy of your bed, away from all the privy eyes.

You gulped as you felt yourself lose consciousness but you snapped back to reality in an instant when you heard laughter from beside you. You glanced behind you and saw a boy with slightly reddish-brown hair point at you while dancing and laugh at you.

“So cute”, he cheered out as he attempted to re-enact the way you tried to wiggle your hips. Laughing at himself at the cute attempt he made, he clapped his hands, temporarily forgetting about the flash mob. Unknowingly, a small blush had creeped up your cheeks as you watched the guy wiggle his butt at you. You laughed at him, immediately covering your mouth as though it were a sin.

The people in the flashmob began to change their formations and the guy grabbed your arm pulling you along with him through the flashmob as he jumped to a stop on reaching his position in the most endearing way possible. You beamed at his adorableness as he made you stand next to him and showed you the moves. You hesitantly raised your arms and began coping everything that he did.

You laughed along with him when you did a silly move or when he’d purposely be extra just to earn a laugh from you. You felt bad for ruining their flash mob but you needed this. You were allowed to be selfish this once but also made a mental note to apologize to everyone here once they were done.

You had never genuinely enjoyed like this before. You knew you had a lot more eyes on you, laughing at you because you were messing up everything. But for once you genuinely didn’t care. You actually liked that you were able to make people laugh. Occasionally, the feeling of the attack would pass through your body but it would be immediately wiped away by the man next you. Both of you dancing like it was your own world. Your focus on him and his focus on you. Like it was just you two dancing together.

Towards the ending you finally stepped away from the flash mob, having enough of ruining their hard work. The guy looked at you confused before realising and sending you a pout face. You chuckled at him as you stepped into the crowd and grooved a bit as an encouragement to him. He smiled at you as he continued with his dance. His eyes on you the whole time, a show he put up only for you. You focused only on him and before you knew it, the flash mob came to an end and the whole crowd erupted into cheers.

Surprised, you glanced back at the crowd for a second before looking back at the dancers who were all gathered in a line and were bowing. You searched for the guy but you couldn’t find him anywhere. Realizing the situation, your heart beat sped up so you rushed to find your best friend. Pushing through the crowd you finally found Soobin making her way towards you. She pulled you into a hug. Her face showing pure shock. You pulled away from her as you gasped breathlessly.

“Inhaler”

She frantically searched through her bag as she grabbed the inhaler and placed it near your mouth, pulling you back into the restaurant. Kyla and her friends just laughed at you as they took their leave. You sat down taking deeper breaths. Soobin just stared at you trying to make sure what just happened wasn’t a dream.

“Did you just-”

“Yeah, apparently”

“Okay, so that just happened. Are you alright?”

“Yeah I think so”

You felt a huge flick to my forehead as you held it and groaned in pain.

“Are you mad? How could you do something like that? Even if it was to prove a point. You need to be more careful, y/n. You should have at least pulled me in with you”, she sighed as she rubbed her temples.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”, you nodded.

“I’m mad at you but at the same time I’m so proud of you”, she clapped her hands as she gave me a tight hug. I laughed as I hugged her back.

“Oh, I need to go apologize to the flash mob dancers before they leave”, you turned around to watch the slowly dispersing crowd. You actually wanted to see the guy again and thank him. So you walked back to the street. Your eyes glancing at everyone to find a mop of reddish-brown hair. You were disappointed when you couldn’t find him among the crowd of the dancers who were packing up their speakers but still smiled and apologised to them while they waved you off saying that they were actually glad you joined. You didn’t really pay much attention to them, trying to calm yourself by gripping onto your bag while all their eyes were on you, as you continue your search for the guy through the crowd.

“Um, by any chance do you know where the guy with the reddish-brown hair went?”, you asked one of the dancers. They looked at you confused before you shook your head and waved at them.

“Never mind. Good bye. Have a nice day”, you smiled, heading towards Soobin as she gave you a sly one.

“Searching for a guy, huh?”, you rolled your eyes at her.

“I just wanted to thank him”, you sighed glancing around one last time before finally giving up and taking your backpack from Soobin. Tired and feeling a bit off mood all of a sudden, you asked Soobin if you could go back home to which she readily agreed, worried the effects of today's miracle would take place sooner or later.

You began walking towards the exit of the street when someone grabbed your arm softly, stopping you while they stood in front of you.

“Hi”

“Hi”, you blushed a bit at the guy that had his hand on his chest panting for breath.

“I saw....you.....leaving.....searching....talk....you”, he spoke between breaths. You smiled at him, handing him the water bottle as he thanked you before gulping it down. Once his breath steadied he turned towards you and smiled.

“Hi, my name is Kwon Soonyoung. You can call me Hoshi”, he stretched his arm as you did yours, making contact.

“I’m y/n, it’s nice to meet you”

He squeezed your hand a bit and you flinched. He glanced down at your palm.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to squeeze- oh my god, you’re bleeding”

You were bleeding, it was all dried up blood from the little dramatic moment you had at the restaurant. He pulled your palm to his face to examine it when Soobin produced a medical kit from her bag.

Hoshi looked at her in confusion.

“You carry a medical kit in your bag?”

You and Soobin glanced at each other before looking back at Hoshi.

“I just like to be prepared”, she smiled as she took out the antiseptic, cotton pads and a bandage. Hoshi pulled you to a table nearby, never letting go of your palm, placing it on the table so delicately like it were glass. You chuckled at him slightly as he looked up at you with an innocent look.

Soobin groaned as she glanced at the missed calls and text messages from her mother. She showed the screen to you and you could only give her a look of pity.

“That bitch Kyla, I swear to god”, she pressed the bridge of her nose before standing up from the table you guys were at.

It had been almost an hour since Soobin bandaged your arm and she, Hoshi and you had decided to have a little chat under the lights while sipping on some iced tea.

“Well Hoshi, it was really nice meeting you but I think it’s time for us to go now”, Soobin gave him a soft smile as she watched both yours and his face frown slightly. She sighed as she mentally contemplated within herself.

Ah fuck it.

“Actually, I need to go. But I’m sure y/n can stay for some more time. Her mom said she only needs to be back by 11”, Soobin smiled at the two of you as she packed up her stuff into her bag. Completely shocked, you grabbed her wrist and dragged her to another corner of the street, a few feet away from Hoshi.

“Excuse me for a second”, he nodded softly.

“What the hell?”

“What?”

“What do you mean what? You can’t just leave me here alone”

“I’m not leaving you here alone. I’m leaving you here with someone”

“A guy”

“A decent guy who I think is definitely trustable. Plus he looks so harmless. You could probably karate chop him if he does something wrong”

“Will you quit it with the karate chopping?”

“Look, I’ve always been worried about you I’ve always tried to be by your side any time you step out of the house-“

“Because of you”

“Shut up, I’m talking. As I was saying, it’s time for you to be a grown up. You can’t keep having your mom or I run around behind you, scared of every step you take. I’ve seen what he does to you. You felt so at peace while dancing with him. Maybe it’s time to let someone else into your life, you know?”

“But I-“

“Y/n you need this. I’m not forcing you. It’s your choice. If you want we can go back home right now. But I would really rather than you try this out at least. I really like him and I think he genuinely is a good guy”

You thought about it for a while. You could go back home and get onto your bed and sleep. Or you could stay here and possibly get murdered.

“I’ll stay”

“Good. You have everything you need, right?”

You nodded as you checked your bag for your phone, keys, inhaler and water bottle. Soobin slipped you a pepper spray and a pocket knife as you raised an eyebrow at her.

“Just in case, you know”, she winked as you walked back to Hoshi.

She waved you both goodbye and you both watched her until she turned around a corner and completely disappeared.

“Soooo”, you stiffened at his voice, slowly turning around to look at him, an awkward tension filling the air.

You shuffled your feet while glancing down at your shoes. Not daring to make eye contact. The two of you were silent for a while before he decided to finally speak up.

“Do you want to, um, maybe walk around and, uh, look at stuff, I guess?”

He smiled as you nodded.

“Yeah, that seems fun”

He shook his head as he fell in line with you and you both began walking, no destination in particular. It was quite awkward for none of you knew what to speak about. You’d get so tensed every time his arm would brush against yours, or you had to push up close against him because it was too crowded.

“You seem like a really good dancer”, he broke the tension and finally started a conversation.

“You’re kidding, right? I have literally never danced in my entire life and I know it was terrible. You even made fun of me for it”

He scratched his head as his cheeks turned a tinge of pink.

“I didn’t make fun of you for it. I just thought you looked pretty cute doing it like that”, he spoke with a pout, thinking you took him in a wrong way and actually felt bad. You heart felt giddy listening to him.

“It’s okay. I was just joking”, you laughed at him as he smiled back.

“Wait. So you’ve never danced and still decided to randomly jump into a flash mob?”

You shrugged your shoulders, not really in the mood to explain today’s happenings.

“Ah, so you’re a daredevil”

You snorted at him as you lightly hit his chest.

“Daredevil? I just randomly joined a flash mob. It’s not like I jumped off a cliff. And trust I’m not a daredevil”

“Same thing. It takes just as much guts to do it”

“Oh by the way, I never really got to apologize to you for ruining what was probably loads of practice, like that”, you bent your head feeling very embarrassed in front of him.

He put his hands on your shoulder and you lifted our head. Your faces were centimetres away from each other and you saw him hesitate, feeling flustered at the distance. None of you backing away until a small kid crashed his plane on the side of his head.

He yelped as he fell to the ground. Rubbing the side of the head that was hit.

“Are you okay?”, you exclaimed as you kneeled down.

“Sorry, uncle”, the kid laughed as he took the plane and started running away.

“Uncle?”, Hoshi exclaimed. He immediately stood up like there was nothing wrong with him and pointed at the kid, shouting at him.

“Do I look like an uncle to you? Hey, I’m only 24 years old you know!” He screamed at the kid and you watched him in shock.

He glanced back at your shocked face and knew he messed up.

“I like kids”, he simply stated and you laughed at him, handing him the water bottle, as you turned his face to look at the bruise that was forming. From where did you manage to summon these guts to even touch him, you don’t know but for some weird reason, it felt normal to you. An everyday thing.

“Sure”, you huffed as you observed the bruise.

“There’s a slight bruise forming. It doesn’t look too bad. Just ice it and it’ll go in probably a day or two”, you nodded as your eyes turned to him. He was staring at you and you felt your face flush. You immediately backed away from him.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have touched you like that”

“No it’s okay you were just-“

He was interrupted by a low growling sound that erupted from his stomach. You watched him with wide eyes, wrapping his arms to cover his stomach as though it would hide the sounds.

“Do you maybe wanna get something to eat?”

“Yes please, I would like that”

“You’re going to choke”, you laughed at Hoshi as he gobbled up all the ramen that was placed on the table just seconds ago. He grunted, rubbing his palm on his tummy.

“You’re starving, I get it, but that doesn’t mean you choke yourself to death”, you roll your eyes as you handed him a tissue and poured a glass of water pushing it towards him. He drank a bit of the water, helping him easy down the masticated food. You grabbed your plate and poured some noodles into it, taking your peaceful time as you ate.

“There’s supposed to be a firework show and a campfire later in the evening. I was supposed to watch it with my friends but I kind of ditched them last minute. Would you want to watch it with me?”, you looked up at him, thinking about it. You’ve never watched fireworks before. At least not in real life. They’ve always seemed so surreal to you.

You nodded as you drank the soup in the bowl, “Sure, I’d love to. I haven’t really seen fireworks in real life or ever had a campfire”

He looked at you surprised.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ve always just seen them on television. I’m not an outdoor person, and I don’t really like loud noises or crowded rooms or physical activity. I like isolation a lot. More like I’ve grown up in isolation a lot, so I’ve found peace in it and it’s my comfort zone. So I haven’t experienced a lot of these things, but I really would want to. I always keep imaging how s’mores would taste like. I’ve never had marshmallows either. Are they soft? I’ve heard they taste sticky but-“

You drone on and on. Not even realising that this was probably the longest you’ve ever spoken. Hoshi just watched you, your lips. A small blush creeping up his face when he glanced at them. They looked so soft and pretty, bright pink from the spicy noodles you just had, so perfect like they would fit so snug with his. He paid attention to everything you said as he sat and listened to your voice, it felt like silk against his ears, sending goosebumps through him. He loved the way your face lit up as you spoke, watching your cute little hands make all these movements to exaggerate your words. You seemed like a dream to him. Hopefully a dream come true.

You finished speaking as you finally glanced at Hoshi. He was leaning towards you, his elbow propped on the bench, his cheek pressed against his palm and a goofy smile adorning his face. You unconsciously smile at him and he suddenly reaches out to boop your nose.

“Adorable”, he cried out as he giggled, continuing to eat whatever was left over. You sat there shocked as you watched him eat. Your heartbeat racing in your chest. You pressed a palm against it, trying to calm it out. You felt your face heat up and you excused yourself to the washroom.

You stepped in and immediately rushed towards the basin. You glanced up in the mirror and saw that your face was a bright pink shade. You felt your cheeks and they were extremely warm against your cool palms. You collected some water before splashing it on your face continuously, to cool yourself down.

You groaned in frustration as you leaned against the empty wall beside the basin, slowly sliding down and wrapping your arms around your knees. You softly banged the back of your head continuously against the wall as you let your insecure thoughts overcome you.

This can’t be happening. I cannot be catching feelings for a guy I just met. I need to stay away from him. I am a pain to be around. He’s probably hanging out with me out of pity because my best friend had to go. I don’t want to get attached to him. I’m a mess. He shouldn’t have to be friends with me, even if he likes to hang out with me. I need to stop whatever is going on now. I should have just stayed home.

You groaned louder as you slowly started feeling anxious, placing your forehead against your knees.

“I have to leave”, you said out loud to no one in particular.

I could just sneak my way out of here and leave him a text once i’m home. Wait, I don’t have his number. Maybe if I slip a note to the waitress and ask her to hand it to him? Yeah, that should work. Or would that be considered rude? The fact that I could write him a note but couldn’t just personally tell him? Why don’t I just tell him? No, I could never lie to him. I should call Soobin and ask her.

You groaned as you felt your head hurt a bit, making you feel dizzy.

“Hey, are you okay?”, you suddenly looked up, causing your head to hurt more and you let out a cry.

The person rushed towards you as she dampened one end of her dress and slightly pressed it against your burning face. She yelled something to someone, your vision slightly blurry as you felt your eyes get teary. You took a few deep breaths, just like your mom taught you and within a few seconds, your vision came back to normal but your head still kept hurting a little.

“I’m fine, thank you”, you smiled at the lady as you attempted to stand up, the woman helping you.

“Are you sure?”, she asked.

“Yes, I’ve been out in the sun the whole day, so I just felt a bit faint”, you lied to her.

“I think you should go to a doctor”

“No, it’s alright. I’ll be fine in a while. Happens often”, you smiled at her as you splashed some water on your face. Suddenly, the door to the washroom burst open. Shocked, you glanced through the mirror at the door behind you.

“Y/n!”, a frightened and worried Hoshi ran towards you, his eyes wide, his cheeks puffy and mouth still filled with food. The sight of him seemed so funny to you and you unknowingly let out a loud laugh. Hoshi just stared at you, eyes wide before he looked at you through the mirror and then himself. He choked a bit, making you laugh louder, turning away from you, chewing his food and swallowing it as quickly as possible. He turned back around to you.

“Glad that me choking to death could entertain you”, he huffed fake angry as he placed his arms on his waist.

“I rushed in worried that you fainted or something and here you are laughing at me almost dying”, he shook his head disappointed as he crossed his arm.

You laughed at him completely forgetting about the situation.

The person who had helped you previously laughed as she patted your shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re alright now”, she smiled at you, leaning in towards you.

“Your boyfriend seems like a great guy. I can see how happy he makes you. He’s a good one. Don’t let him go”, she winked at you before walking away. Hoshi grabbed your arm, looking concerned.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just felt a bit dizzy, probably cause I forgot to take my pills”, you accidently said out loud. You glanced at him hoping he didn’t notice but he did. You prayed he wouldn’t ask you more about it.

He took a deep breath, turning towards you with a soft smile.

“Do you have your pills with you right now?”, you looked at him slightly confused. He stared at you, expecting an answer. You nodded your head still staring at him confused.

“Okay. Is it in your bag?”, he asked you. You nodded.

“Do you want me to get it for you?”

“It’s alright, I need some fresh air too”

He nodded his head as you both walked side by side, his arms still holding yours even though you were already feeling better. You glanced at his arm around yours and you felt goosebumps creep up your skin, a shiver running down your body. Hoshi noticed as he glanced at you.

“Are you feeling cold? I could give you my jacket”

“It’s pretty warm actually, thanks”

“Oh, I could help you take off your shirt then”

You narrowed your eyes as you turned to him, a sly smirk on his face as he gave you a pointed look. You rolled your eyes as you smacked his arm hard.

“Ouch”, he yelped holding his arm as you smiled, walking towards the bench you two were previously eating on. You sat down, rummaging through your bag and Hoshi took a seat in front of you a while later. You looked at him. He had gotten you a bottle of juice. You thanked him as you took your pills out of the packet and gulped them down with the help of the juice. Seven of them. Hoshi stared at you, confusion, shock and curiosity scribbled in red ink across his face as he watched your every move. Whether he figured from your expression previously or not, you could see he was dying to know but he still chose to keep quiet.

He smiled at you once you packed everything in.

“You ready to head back home?”

“No”, your heart spoke before your brain could. He looked up at you from where he was throwing the trash in the bin.

“What?”

You mentally slapped your mouth, slightly mad that you lost an opportunity to head back home. But more glad that you could still have more time with him.

“I kinda want to watch the fireworks. But if you need to head home then that’s okay too”, you looked towards him, your heart praying that he’d say no, slightly afraid that he’d give an excuse and take the opportunity to leave especially after all that happened ten minutes back.

“I want to watch the fireworks too”, he smiled at you as he dumped the last of the trash, he bowed forward, stretching his palm out to you.

“I would love to accompany you, madame”, he tipped his fake hat forward. Playing along, you pretended to pick up your skirt, grunting and making very unwomanly positions as he glanced at you confused. You grinned at him.

“Sorry, this shit’s heavy”, he laughed out loud as he pretended to help you pick up the dress too.

“Ah why thank you, noble sir. For your kind deed I shall accompany you”, you posed elegantly as Hoshi laughed again. You both laughed and made fun of each other’s cringy lines. Interlinking your arms together, you made your way towards where the fireworks were to be held.

“You two are such a cute couple. Would you like me to take a picture?”, you glanced at the man holding a polaroid camera in front of you.

“Um we’re not-”

“Sure”, Hoshi interrupted you as he pulled you towards the pier. Taking a spot in front the lake that currently had lanterns floating over it. Hoshi paid the guy as he glanced at you. He took off his denim jacket, handing it over to the guy as he walked back to you.

“Is it okay if I put my arms on your shoulder?”

You glanced at him as you nodded. He put his arms across your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. You hesitated a bit, scared he would feel the racing heartbeat that vibrated through your body. When you both settled, ready to take the picture, you felt your heart calm down and you felt so comfortable, almost tipsy. Taking a risk, you laid your head on his shoulder as you felt him stiffen before he immediately relaxed and placed his head on top of yours. A small smile playing on both of your faces.

You saw a flash and heard the buzzing sound of a camera. A flash like that would have immediately brought upon a panic attack but you felt so at home in his arms that you let your mind only focus on his touch.

“I love your matching shirts, they’re charming”

You both glanced at each other’s shirt, noticing the little tiger on the side. You looked up at each other, shook, before you both burst out laughing.

“How did we not notice this before?”, you let out through breaths as Hoshi had his hands on his knees. You felt the flash go off as you heard the camera buzz again. The two of you immediately stopped as the camera guy handed Hoshi’s jacket and the two polaroids he clicked, to you.

“The second one is on me”, he giggled before walking away from the two of you.

You glanced down at the already forming pictures on the film. Hoshi and you patiently watched as the images darkened slowly. A similar bright smile forming on your faces. The first picture wanted to make you smile, you looked like a set, like you belonged to be in those arms of his, that they were meant especially for you and the second one made you cry, you could not believe that it was you. You had always imagined the day when you’d smile so carefree and seeing yourself like this in the picture was a dream come true.

Hoshi watched as your eyes turned glossy. He patted your head softly, pulling you closer so that you could put your head on his shoulder. You did so, turning your face inwards to block anyone from seeing your tear stained face.

After a lot of tissues and probably three water bottles later, you calmed yourself down as Hoshi giggled at your pink tinted face. You heard an announcement that the fireworks would start soon, so you both made your way to find a seat near the campfire. Finding one that was at a perfect distance from the campfire and was pretty empty considering the huge crowd that had gathered there.

“Take a seat I’ll be right there”, you watched as he walked away, taking a seat at the spot. You felt very lonely without him. It had only been a few hours since you’ve been with Hoshi but as soon as he was gone, you missed him already, feeling like you’ve been with him forever and he was suddenly ripped away from you.

You sighed staring straight ahead at the campfire, feeling comfortable against its warmth. You stretched your palms out as an attempt to get a real feel of the campfire. It was a huge one, probably three feet high. Although it looked nothing like how a real one would look like, you found yourself imagining you and Hoshi at one, with tents sent up and cooking s’mores over the fire as you’d take turns trying to scare each other with stories.

Just as you imagined, the image of s’mores had entered your eyesight. You looked up at Hoshi as he stretched it out to you. You thanked him as you took it, feeling happy that you could finally try one. You watched as Hoshi took a bite of his, moaning slightly at how good it tasted. You saw him lick his lips, your heart fluttering slightly at the sight and sounds he made. You glanced back at your own one, taking a bite of it. Your eyes wide as you looked back at Hoshi.

“These are so good!”, Hoshi laughed as he watched your eyes light up. You watched him, as you saw his smile fade slightly at something behind you. You turned around and saw a bunch of guys taking a seat right beside you. They saw you, a few of them giving you a smile, waving at you and some even winking at you.

Feeling slightly anxious and uncomfortable, you gave them an awkward smile before turning around and scooching slightly closer to Hoshi. He let out a grunt as he stood up and walked to sit on the other side of you. His thighs touching yours. He shot a glare at the guys before looking back at you with a sweet smile. You looked at him confused and he shook his head.

“I like sitting on the right side”

You nod your head in understanding, surprised that people have such preferences too. You were about to say something when there was suddenly an announcement stating that there was a slight delay but the fireworks would start soon.

Groaning you leaned back a bit with your palms pressing into the ground, raising your head to the sky.

A playback of everything that had happened today ran through your mind as Hoshi watched you in silence. A single tear slipped your eyes as Hoshi looked at you worried but did not want to intervene. You realized you owed him an explanation for so many things. So you took a deep breath ready to start explaining everything to him from the start, even though you could already feel it pain you to talk about. You completely turned your seated body towards him as he did the same to show you that all his attention was on you. By the look in your eyes, Hoshi figured out what was going on.

“I-”

“You don’t have to”, you looked up at him.

“I meant you don’t have to explain anything to me. I do need to know and I will be ready to listen when you feel like telling me about everything. I don’t want to know just because you feel like you owe me that. I don’t care if it takes forever for you to tell me because I’m willing to wait. This is the most fun I’ve had in years and you’re the only woman outside my family whom I’ve ever spent so long with” he scratched the back of his head, “I genuinely like spending time with you and I would really want to get to know you better. Whatever it may be, I will be there for you. I want to stay by your side and be with you. Even as just somebody you know”

You gazed at him as tears slightly filled your eyes, not knowing what to say, you just turned towards the front when bright lights clouded your vision.

Fireworks.

You beamed as you watched the sky light up. The beauty it held while watching it in real life was nothing compared to what they showed in the videos. It looked like glitter splattered on the night sky. For some odd reason, it felt like you were watching Hoshi and your interactions throughout the day. Like how anytime he was around, you felt a splash of colour was added to your black canvas. Your eyes were focused on the colourful lights, but you could feel his eyes on you instead. You turned to look at him and your eyes made contact, staring into each other. You took this time to really observe his features that were lit by the fire, the colour of his eyes, the curve of his nose, the shape of his lips, the pink tint on his puffy cheeks.

Your eyes fell to his hands as you slowly traced your finger on his palm before looking back up at him.

“Thank you”, you mumbled out softly as he shot you the brightest teeth smile he could muster before taking your hand in his and interlocking your fingers as you slowly leaned on him.

Just the two of you watching as he slowly colours up your life.

a/n: I kinda got the idea for the flashmob from the neocities prompt generator so credits to them. The rest is purely my work. And just a huge thanks to hoshi for existing because he’s always been the bright light helping me and keeping me happy during my darkest and toughest times. horanghae <3

61 notes · View notes

maple-writes · 3 years

Text

[Image ID: Banner image reading: The City of Eventide, Chapter 32, Maple-writes. End ID]

Did I forget about this chapter a little bit? Maybe...

###

Ginger left after three days. Striker went back to work. I didn’t always see him until he came home, leaving in the morning long before I was awake. The quiet was almost too much, too pressing alone at home for the first few days. I didn’t want to go out, didn’t want to leave alone just in case, in case something happened. Once I tried, I thought maybe it would be nice to take a walk around the neighbourhood but I hadn’t made it much further than the sidewalk before tightening nerves and a pounding heart made me turn back. Made me flee back to the safety of the house.

The next week, Striker asked if I felt ready for Ember to come home and when I agreed he told Kyra and Ember they could come back whenever was best for them. That day Striker worked the day shift and I spent my day pacing around the living room, the kitchen, the halls, all as excitement mixed with tension. Part of me could hardly believed she’d stayed, stayed and hadn’t run off to the woods again like she had so many times, and the other part raced trying to think of what I would say to her.

Finally late afternoon sun shone warm and spring-like through the windows I’d finally worked up the courage to draw the curtains back from. Not long now. I stood in front of the hall mirror, staring back at myself and hoping I looked put together enough that neither of them would worry. Clean clothes, brushed hair… It was all I could really do, right?

A round of soft knocks came from the front door and I nearly jumped. I took a second, heart racing like a horse shot from the gate against my ribs, and tried to steady myself at least a little bit. At least a little as I walked towards, laid my hand on the door knob and took a deep breath.

Kyra and Ember stood in the doorway. Ember’s face all but mirrored mine, all tense and not sure what to feel while Kyra just smiled, cautious, but relieved. I looked between the two of them, words caught in my throat. As much as I wanted to say, to apologize again for what I’d done, to thank them for coming, for everything, nothing came out and all I could do was stand there in the doorway and stare.

Finally, I found myself again and managed a shallow breath. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Ember sounded almost as nervous, squeaking out from where she almost hid behind Kyra’s shoulder. I could feel it, tension, leaking from her skin but it wasn’t so bad, wasn’t as bad as it was before. Like air too humid for comfort but nothing more.

Kyra smiled, as if relieved I’d actually said something. “Can we come in?”

Right. I nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

I stepped away and let them in. Ember dropped her backpack—the one I’d bought her months ago now—in the doorway and kicked off her shoes, Kyra following suit. She’d cut her hair since I’d seen her last, short and tucked back from her face with two snap clips. Ember nudged her shoes out of the way and stood up straight again, shoulders wider and stronger than I remembered.

They followed me into the living room, settling down around the coffee table. Kyra took the couch while Ember and I took the two armchairs, all casting glances at each other like we all hoped someone else would start the conversation.

Eventually, it was Kyra that broke the ice. “Been a while hasn’t it?” She gave me a little smile. “How is it being back?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, letting my shoulders bunch close to my ears. “It feels strange, if I’m being honest.” My eyes settled on Ember across the table. “It’ll be nice to have some company when Striker’s gone.”

“Right,” Ember said. “It does get a little lonely when he’s gone all day.”

“Are you getting out at all?” Kyra asked, head tilting just a little like she already knew the answer. “The weather’s been getting better and better these days.”

I lowered my head, fiddling with my hands in my lap. Had Striker said something to her? Guilt simmered low in my gut. She probably didn’t want to hear how I was too scared to leave the house on my own, even when I tried. At the same time though, would she believe me if I tried to lie?

“Not really.” I mumbled, keeping my eyes down to avoid hers. “Its… It’s overwhelming right now.”

She nodded, and Ember mirrored. She slouched in her chair, red eyes flicking to the top corner in thought.

“What about nighttime?” Ember refocused on me. “I find it quieter. Less to process.”

Night? I paused, blinking and turning her words over in my head. “Maybe.” There’d be less traffic late at night at least, fewer sudden noises, fewer people to look out for. “I could try that.”

She smiled. “I could go with you too if you want.”

“That…” I started to relax, sitting up and leaning back in the chair. “That would be nice.” It’d been a long time since the two of us did anything like that.

“Yeah, we can sneak into the park and take the trails like we used to.” Ember leaned forward now, excitement drifting from deep inside. “It could be fun, just the two of us.”

Kyra frowned, turning to Ember. “Are you sure that’s safe?”

She nodded. “We used to do it all the time when we were younger.”

I sunk deeper in the couch, letting my legs stretch out under the edge of the coffee table. It felt like ages ago, when Ember would nudge me in my bed to see if I was sleeping. We’d creep out of the house in the middle of the night and take the dimly-lit side streets to the park where we’d all but disappear under the dark of the trees for hours until we were ready to sleep.

Kyra shrugged. “If it works it works.”

The front door opened softly and she lifted her head, leaning back to peek into the hallway. Footsteps came a moment before Striker slipped into the room in his after-work hoodie and sweatpants. He leaned over the back of the couch, greeting her with a soft hand on her shoulder. She stretched up closer so he could reach for a light kiss on her cheek. I stared, glancing between her and Striker until Kyra noticed and cracked into a slight giggle.

“Did Striker not tell you?” She smiled, glancing up at him with gentle eyes. “We’re dating as of a couple months ago now.”

Striker shrugged. “Must have slipped my mind.”

Good for them. Warmth spread through out from my chest, comfortable through the vessels. The two of them murmured to each other as Striker held his head next to hers.

Ember caught my eye with a cheeky grin. “You’ve missed a lot of PDA while you were gone. Consider yourself lucky.”

Striker half smiled as he stood up straight. “I’m going to take a shower.”

He slipped out of the living room, footsteps disappearing up the stairs. A moment or later Ember stood too. She leaned over to pick up her bag, slinging it over one shoulder.

“I’ll be right back, just going to toss this in my room.” She smiled, then looked confused a moment as I frowned, eyebrows furrowing. “Ah right. Cirrus’ old room.”

Right. He didn’t need it anymore, did he? If Ember took his room, then, “So you’re really here to stay?”

“I think so.” She smiled, warmth slipping out from her skin as she got closer, not quite contained by the walls of her body. “I’m glad you’re home too, Ash.”

She ruffled my hair as she passed, soft heat spreading wherever her claws brushed my skin, gentle and harmless. Then she was gone, disappeared the same way Striker had and it was just me and Kyra. She leaned back, draping on arm over the back of the couch as she faced me.

“Welcome back Asher.” She smiled, quiet and comfortable. “I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. Oh, and Dylan told me to tell you he says hi. He wanted to come himself but I told him to be patient.” She laughed once under her breath. “Still, don’t be surprised if he stops by sometime but also don’t be scared to tell him to go away if he starts bugging you.”

Dylan? Even him? I tried to think of something to say, but nothing wanted to come up. My chest tightened, heart rising to my throat. I’d never thought he would think twice about me, after all, we hadn’t met that long ago, we hadn’t spent all that much time around each other and he still wanted to know how I was doing?

Kyra frowned. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Was it that obvious? I swallowed. “I don’t know, I, I’m just surprised that’s all.”

“Fallon too. Though I don’t think she’s about to show up at your doorstep unless you invite her over.” She smiled again, one corner of her lip curling higher than the other. “You didn’t think you could just vanish like that and expect everyone to forget about you?”

This time the mass in my throat pressed too tight to ignore and my eyes stung with stray tears. I rubbed them away with my sleeve and took a breath, deep, shaky and staring down at the empty coffee table. Maybe, maybe it was stupid to think people wouldn’t care, wouldn’t notice I was gone. Maybe I was stupid to think they might have even preferred me gone and no one’s problem.

“Ash?”

Ember’s voice and crackling warmth at my shoulder made me look up from the ground. She stood by my chair, hand resting on the backing and leaning over with a concerned glance at Kyra.

I took another breath and dragged the cuff of my sleeve over my eyes again. “Sorry, sorry, I’m alright.”

My shoulders slouched and I leaned back, resting against the back of the chair. A heartbeat, and Ember’s hand went from the chair to my shoulder. At first she held on cautiously, gently, as if she wasn’t sure how I would react. But all that came through was heat, warm, not too hot but enough. Like sunlight through a window on a lazy afternoon. She squeezed my shoulder and I had to dry my eyes again.

“It looks like it might be a clear night.” She said “If you want to go out tonight. I mean, if you want to, it’s okay if you don’t.

Tonight? I swallowed and steadied myself before meeting her eyes. I nodded, still too choked up to say anything meaningful in response. It would be nice to get some fresh air if I could make it out of the house without turning and running back inside.

Ember grinned, wide and excited with the points of her teeth poking out from under her lip. “Remind me to fill a thermos with hot chocolate before we go then.”

Midnight came we slipped out, Ember slinging a little backpack full of drinks and snacks over her shoulder. I stuck right by her side, flinching at every little sound, every occasional car passing by and catching us in it’s headlights as it rounded a quiet traffic circle. My jaw clenched, my heat started to pound and my legs wobbled by the time we reached the end of our street.

Hanging over the intersection the light shone bright green. The walk sign blinked. A night breeze blew through street trees and toyed with my hair. The walk sign blinked. Night chill crept through my hoodie. The walk sign blinked. The walk sign blinked. It blinked bright white, white next to the green of the lights shining where an evening rain had left the roads wet and dark and shiny.

I stared. I shook. I stared at the lights and the reflections and shivered in the wind and I should go back I should go home. This, this was too much. What if we saw someone else? What if someone else saw us? What if, what if something went wrong. What if I, what if I did something so far from home where I couldn’t go, couldn’t hide. Couldn’t get away. Couldn’t hide away, get away in time before I did something awful and—

Ember stepped in front of me, blocking out the lights and the reflections and the headlights of errant cars. “Ash, you alright?”

“I, I can’t,” I shook my head, backing up, backing away, back towards the house. “I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t do it.” It was too much, too much that could go wrong, too much that could happen.

Ember kept close, creeping after my retreat. “Come on, you’ll be fine. I’ll be right here the whole time. It’ll be fun.”

No, no it’s not enough. I tried to swallow, to force down the tightness wrapping its way around my throat. She couldn’t help me if something happened. She couldn’t, didn’t know what to do. My head felt light, dizzy, until I realized I hadn’t been breathing. Not enough, not deep enough, not enough.

“Here, hold my hand,” Ember reached out. “It’ll be better once we’re in the woods.”

“No!” I snapped, clenching my teeth. Words ran fast through my head, faster than I could catch them, use them. “No, I… I want to go home.”

Her shoulders fell. “What, really?”

I nodded. My hands shook by my sides and I tried to hide them in my pockets, but she might have already seen by the way her red eyes flickered in the low light. I hunched my shoulders and stared down at the damp cement. It swam, wet and hot.

Ember sighed and toed at the ground. “If you really want to, fine.”

She reached for my arm, but stopped short when I flinched. Her face fell and she looked like she wanted to say something before turning and leading the way back to the house without another word. Hands jammed in her pockets and posture hunched, something hot simmered just under her skin just barely contained, just barely kept at bay for my sake.

Working up the nerve to move, I slunk along behind her. My head down, I stared at my feet with every shuffled step. I rubbed my eyes and wet my sleeves. Why was this so hard? It should have been easy. Should have been nothing.

Ember didn’t say anything to me when we got home, didn’t say anything when I left her for my bedroom. Door shut behind me I didn’t make it to the bed before sinking to the floor in the dark. Leaning against the wall, I drew my knees up and braced my head in my hands as I tried my best to steady my breath. Tried to slow the racing of my heart and still the tremble in my hands. Tried to stop my teeth from sharpening and my claws from curving out. Just in case. Just in case.

But nothing happened. My teeth kept blunt and my fingertips soft and rounded. The darkest shadows cast from the streetlights outside stayed where they were, nothing drawn too close, nothing pulled my way. Nothing happened.

Slowly I raised my head and let it rest against the wall as I stared at the dark sky outside the window. Quiet. It was so quiet. Quiet enough I could hear the floor creak outside as Ember crossed the hall. Hear her stop in front of my door and stand, just stand. I crossed my arms over my knees and rested my cheek in the crook of my elbow, facing the closed door. My eyes still stung even when I tried to blink them out as she hesitated. As she stood silent in the hall.

Finally the handle clicked and she pushed the door open just a crack. Just enough to poke her head through the gap. She hovered for a second, hesitating before stepping the rest of the way into my room.

“Do you still want that hot chocolate?” She asked.

Right, she’d made some before we left. It was probably still hot, at least warm in it’s insulated container. Longing rose, dull and aching in my chest. She used to make the best hot chocolate, back before everything went wrong.

Ember looked away, swaying a little as she spoke. “If you’re not up to the park, what about the back yard?”

I raised my head. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. The park would still be there another night.

#the city of eventide #chapter 32 #my writing #writeblr #i never know what to tag these with #even with having done this 32 times now #I was going to have a big chapter here but it would have gotten too long so here we are #just kinda vibing here

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vintagevalentinex · 4 years

Text

Sunday

So here it is!! This is another Benny/Reader fic! This one doesn’t necessarily live in the same realm as my other 3 Benny fics, but it could. As soon as I heard this song by Etta James (Who is the absolute Queen) I knew this would be perfect for the charming, vampirate, Mr. Benny Lafitte.

Also…do you guys like when I add the song lyrics? I don’t know if it’s because I’m a musician or whatever but it makes me feel more connected to the story if there’s some kind of soundtrack. I would be most grateful if you gave me your thoughts on this!

Here is the song that I based this fic on! It’s called A Sunday Kind of Love sung by Etta James. Definitely take a listen to it before and/or during your read!

Well, anyway I hope you like this one! I certainly had a lot of fun writing it! :3

@icecream-and-winchesters @abaddonwithyall @bovaria @castihelloboys@theerinpage @maraisabellegrey @ohfora67impala

Title: Sunday Author: vintagevalentinex Words: ~2000 Pairing: (Benny x Reader) Warnings: Smut, smut, smut. Real dirty talk.

Your eyes fluttered open, instantly flashing back to the memories you had of last night. You could feel the heat blooming in you cheeks as your lips turned upwards into a small, sated smile, the images of last night playing at the front of your mind.

“Darlin’ just a lil’ bit more. C’mon cher, I know ya got this…”

His hips slammed against yours over and over again, the sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through the small, barely furnished bedroom, the only sounds in the room were your cries and the sounds of flesh.

Your mouth hung open, your throat going dry as Benny continued to ram into you, your eyes closing as your heels dug into his ass, seeing spots in front of your closed eyes as you bucked your hips up to meet his.

“I…I don’t think I can, Benny…” You whined, your body moving on reflex, the thin layer of sweat making your bodies stick together in the hot Louisiana night. “Give ol’ Benny a lil’ more, cher. I know ya can. Give Benny this good lil’ pussy…” He let out a grunt, feeling you contract around him, his hands resting on either side of your head, gripping at the sheets and pillows.

You let out a strangled cry, Benny’s name mingled in there somewhere as you cum, your eyes rolling into the back of your head as he follows you soon after, thrusting a few more times before gently pulling out of you. Your chest heaves, wetness leaking from your eyes from the sheer feeling of being overwhelmed by sensation. Your eyes try to focus, trying to find him as you see him walk away, your eyes trained on his muscled ass as he pads out of the room. You lay there boneless until he comes back, still very naked as he lays on his side next to you. He wipes the sweat off of your brow, moving the hair out of your face as he trails a hand down in between your legs. You only realize now that he brought back a wet soft cloth to clean you up with. You smile up at him weakly, grateful that he was so thoughtful and tender.

Benny pulls you in close, tucking you in against his side as you nuzzle against him, a dopey smile on your lips. You tilt your head up to find his eyes, mumbling, “love you…Ben…ny…” You start to doze off as Benny continues to run a hand through your hair, pulling up the sheets with the other as he tucks the both of you in for the night. He smiles down at you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head before falling asleep himself.

“That’s my girl.”

You were brought out of your daydreaming by a pair of lips grazing your naked shoulder, scruff rubbing deliciously against your skin. You could hear and feel the low rumble in his chest already, your back pressed to his front.

“Mmm…mornin’…”

You smile, turning your head so you could kiss him, a quiet moan escaping your lips, contorting your body to wrap your hands around his neck, pulling his mouth closer to yours. Benny smiled against your lips, pulling away from you momentarily.

“Could wake up like ‘dis ev’ry day, cher.”

“I was just thinking about last night.”

You can feel him shift against you; obviously you just struck a chord. A callused hand found its way trailing up and down your bare arm, making you shiver, feeling the goosebumps rise on your exposed skin.

“Really now? And jus’ what were ya thinkin’ about, darlin’?”

His hand found its way to your front, gently cupping one of your breasts in his large hand, unmoving, just holding you, his chin finding its way to the crook of your neck.

“I was just thinking about how amazing you are.”

You could hear him chuckling into your ear, taking a gentle nip at your earlobe, giving your breast a gentle squeeze. He pressed a peck to your cheek, nuzzling at you for a moment.

“Stay right here, cher. Don’t move a muscle.”

You snuggled deeper into the blankets, humming happily as you could hear Benny shuffling around the dimly lit room, drawing the curtains completed closed. You could hear him putting an old 45 on the record player, the hum of the machine made you smile as it came to life.

I wanna Sunday kind of love A love to last past Saturday night And Id like to know its more than love at first sight And I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah yeah

You felt the bed dip down again as Benny situated himself behind you, one of his hands finding its way right to your breasts again, gently squeezing and kneading at the sensitive flesh, his other hand taking hold in your hair, gently pulling your head back so he could kiss you again.

“Mmm (Y/N). You’re the sweetest ‘lil thing I ever did see.”

You let out a soft moan, arching your back, pressing yourself back into Benny even more as one of your hands reached behind him, grabbing at his muscled ass, trying to pull him closer to you. He chuckled into your ear, taking another playful nip at your ear before whispering.

“Calm down, shug. We’ve got all day. Don’t wanna rush nothin’, lil’ baby.”

You flopped back against him, loving the feel of his heated skin pressed against your back; you could feel his erection coming to life as you started to grind your ass against it, feeling satisfied as he grunted into your ear. He thrust up against your ass, fingers finding your still-sensitive nipples from the night before as he gently rolled them in between his fingers. You let out a hiss, nearly bucking against him as he held you tightly, whispering in your ear.

“You want some Sunday lovin’, cher?”

Your hand squeezed tightly on his ass, trying to encourage him forward. You let out a strangled moan. You had had enough of his teasing.

“Benny I swear if you don’t get inside me right now—“

He chuckled. “Calm down (Y/N), I’ve got you. Let Benny take care of that pretty little pussy.”

I wanna a love thats on the square Cant seem to find somebody, someone to care And I’m on a lonely road that leads to nowhere I need a Sunday kind of love

He nudged your thighs apart, dragging his cock against your ass before slowly pushing inside of you, his hands wrapping around your waist as he slid inside of your heat, inch by inch until he was finally home inside of you, the both of you letting out a simultaneous groan, his lips finding your neck, lapping and sucking at any of your flesh that his mouth could reach.

Your free hand reached backwards and found the back of his head as you held him in place, his hips moving at a lazy pace, feeling every single detail of his cock as he slid in and out of your heat. You were becoming lost in the music and the feeling of his skin pressed against your as you felt his hands slide all over your body, one of his hands yet again finding your breasts, the other sliding down, his fingers finding purchase at your clit, still sensitive from the night before. You let out a deep groan, your hips arching to meet his languid thrusts, your hand tilting his head up as you twist your own to face him as you pull his mouth into a searing kiss, letting him swallow down your moans as he continues to thrust into your aching heat, his pace remaining constant and relentless.

Just as you feel yourself finally working up to something, feeling yourself nearly falling over the edge, Benny stills inside of you, chuckling against your lips as you nearly growl at him in frustration.

“Are…are you kidding me right now, Benny?!”

He only continued to laugh as he pulled out of you, turning your frame around so you are both lying on your sides, face to face.

“Mmmm no darlin’. Jus wanna see ya when ya cum. Ya always make the prettiest lil’ faces.”

You find yourself blushing, still worked up as he hitches your leg up, sliding back into you, giving you no time to think as he begins to thrust into you again, your hands wrapping around his neck as he kisses you again, hiking your leg around his waist.

I do my Sunday dreaming, oh yeah And all my Sunday scheming Every minute, every hour, every day

Oh, I’m hoping to discover A certain kind of lover Who will show me the way

Your bodies writhed against each other’s, that all too familiar sheen of sweat building up on your flesh that could only come from the leisurely pace of Benny’s thrusts. Your heel dug into his lower back as your hips moved against his, desperately trying to quicken the pace, but Benny was having none of that. He gripped your hip, slowing your movements as he smiled down at you.

“Wanna cum, huh shug?”

“Yesss Benny please. Please baby please….!”

He continued to smile at you, his other hand brushing through your hair. He bent down to kiss you softly on your mouth.

“Look at me, darlin’. I need you to look at me. C’mon, you can do it…”

Your eyes snapped open as you stared back into his, beautiful blue eyes with blown out pupils staring just as intently at you. Your hips moved together, his pace finally speeding up, but only just a little. His hand slipped between both of your bodies, finding your clit once again, rubbing at it furiously as he continued to speak to you.

“That’s right, cher. That sweet ‘lil pussy is so ready ta cum, huh? Just a little more, sweet thing. You can cum as much as you like, little baby.”

You swore the blue of his eyes were going white; everything in your line of vision was going white as you threw your head back, crying out his name as you started to cum. Your walls fluttered around his length, feeling Benny thrust faster, knowing his own orgasm was soon approaching.

And my arms need someone, someone to enfold To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold Love for all my life to have and to hold Oh, and I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah yeah yeah

He gripped you tightly to his frame as he called out your name, your body trembling against his as he finally follows you over the edge, spilling inside of you. The both of you lay boneless, entwined with each other as you nuzzled against his chest, the safest you’ve felt in a very long time. Benny absentmindedly ran his hands up and down your spine, tracing every vertebra as he held you close.

“Mmm (Y/N)…ya really know how ta drive a man crazy.”

You smiled against his chest, pressing soft kisses on his expansive frame, your hands cupping his face.

“Well it’s a good thing that you are such a brick wall of a man who can handle me.”

He chuckled.

I dont wanna Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday Or Thursday, Friday or Saturday Oh, nothing but Sunday, oh yeah yeah I wanna Sunday, Sunday, I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah Sunday, Sunday, Sunday kind of love

“Oh I can definitely handle ya, (Y/N). Now I know I said Sunday lovin’…”

You let out a soft gasp as he rolled the both of you over, his erection pressing against your thigh.

“But like I said…we have all day to be lazy…”

He bent down to press a hot kiss to your lips, his hips grinding against yours, a soft whimper escaping your lips.

“And right now…well shug…right now I need ya moanin’ my name again.”

You didn’t get out of bed until Monday afternoon.

#spn #benny lafitte #benny lafitte/reader #benny lafitte x reader #repost #new blog #my vampirate

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bothsandneithers · 3 years

Text

Day 3327

I need to hurry up and write this, because I am forgetting how miserable I was. This is not part of an effort to ensure that I don't repeat this process over again (perhaps as some may be tempted to do after childbirth). Instead, this exercise is consistent with my tendency to ask my friends to describe the most uncomfortable and unfortunate parts of their vacations. Who wants to hear a story that could more succinctly be conveyed within the narrow pages of a travel brochure? To adapt this question to the present situation: Who wants to hear a series of events that could be more adequately summarized by a few pages in a student handbook?

I’m sure that someone could have a field day by drawing parallels between giving birth to a child and writing a dissertation. While this is not my story to tell, I have described my experience by drawing upon the image of a mother who harnesses supernatural strength to lift a car off of her child. The listener is then immediately confused, and I then have to clarify that, in this metaphor, I am both the mother and the child, and that the dangerous, debilitating, threat of the car, is my dissertation.

It may be more effective if I am more direct: I want everyone to know that I (as the small child) was quite miserable, and I (as the mother) accomplished something that I thought was more than I could handle.

I imagine that if a car did end up on a small child, then the entire situation would invoke so much stress on the mother that she may not ever be able to recount exactly what happened during those subsequent moments. In a different way, of course, and for reasons I am still trying to understand, I too remember very little from the summer and early fall leading up to my defense.

In the place of memories, I find myself relying on artifacts to represent months and events that I cannot recall. One such set of artifacts are the six or so issues of The Atlantic magazine that have been set aside into a small pile; each one received a small verbal promise that I would open the pages after my defense. Now, as I review the covers, I imagine that they may never be read. Below are some of the stress-inducing cover stories of these abandoned issues:

How to destroy a government: The president is winning his war on American institutions.

How QAnon is warping reality and discrediting science.

The election that could break American.

How did it come to this? Why the virus won.

In the early days of lockdown, when the virus was beginning to take hold of its victory, I read this explanation for why most of us are not thriving right now: In order to flourish, one must be able to play several different human roles over the course of the day -- something that is arguably impossible when we rarely leave our dwellings.1

After reading this explanation, I starting clinging to the argument that the overwhelming reason why completing my dissertation had become so difficult was because of an absence of variability in my human roles. Even though none of my other typically played human roles were terribly interesting (commuter, friend, peer, coffee shop customer, gym patron), each one offered me respite from the singular human role that I was stuck with: The neurotic graduate student.

The neurotic graduate student human role was difficult to be around, because she was always worried about so many things: that her arguments weren't good enough, that there were errors in her code, that she should be able to understand certain concepts that were still evading her, that more time-intensive analyses were still required, and that overturning new stones would reveal that previous analyses or assumptions were wrong or incomplete. More simply, the neurotic graduate student human role was always worried that she was not good enough.

This persona can be debilitating, and I found that the act of writing a dissertation included a lot of time not actually writing, but rather, a substantial amount of time was devoted to sitting in paralyzing anxiety, not able to do anything.

Even though many of the weeks leading up to my due date were a blur, I do recall choosing this time to watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Perhaps I did this because misery loves company. I decided to view this odd movie choice in a particular odd format, whereby I watched the movie in 15 minute intervals, across several nights, as if savoring a segmented Toblerone.

I watched the first few segments in stoic sympathy with the characters, but I eventually found myself amused when Jack Nicholson realizes that almost all the residents are “voluntary”:

You can go home any time you want? You're bullshittin' me. He's bullshittin' me right? Cheswick, you're voluntary? Scanlon? Billy, for chrissakes you must be committed, right? I mean, you're just a young kid, what're you doin' here? … I mean, you guys do nothing but complain about how you can't stand it in this place here and then you haven't got the guts just to walk out?

I remember smiling for a few moments at this scene; it was a gentle reminder that I invited this stress into my life, and that I could, indeed, bring it all to an end if I really wanted to. The smile was fleeting, and felt similar to when you are crying, and your friend says something that is true and funny to try and make you feel better, and you laugh and it feels really good but it also reminds you of how bad you feel, and how far away you are from feeling like yourself.

Yet again, someone else might have a field day drawing parallels between today’s academic environment and a fictional mental institution from the 1970s. I can't do this, in part because, aside from that one scene, I don’t actually remember what happens in the movie.

I did, however, voluntarily lock myself in a hotel room to write, because the suffocating familiarity of my home was preventing me from generating any new sentences. A sticker had been placed between the room's door and its frame, denoting that the room had been thoroughly cleaned. Surely this was only intended to be a symbolic seal to provide some peace of mind that it was safe and acceptable to be outside of one's house.

Once inside the room (that seemed no cleaner than in the absence of a pandemic), I did not immediately initalize my plan to write incessantly. Instead, I desultorily found myself on a support group on reddit that was dedicated to "PhD stress." Feeling compelled to write anything that was not my dissertation, I made a post targeted at those who were also writing their dissertations during a pandemic:

What you are doing right now is really, really hard.

Under "normal" conditions, you would be facing a sheer amount of uncertainty with your work (e.g., not knowing how analyses will turn out, not knowing what your advisor will think of your progress, etc). Under these new conditions, you are dealing with the uncertainty of the state of the world (pandemic), the government (upcoming election -- if in the US), as well as your dissertation! These are absurd conditions, whereby any one of these things would undoubtedly have negative impacts on your well being.

For many, you went from having an entire support group of peers, to sitting in your bedroom, day in and day out, trying to come up with novel ideas and effective ways to communicate these ideas.

As such, I urge you to take care of yourself. I urge you to give yourself permission to ignore unwanted criticism that, while in other circumstances you may work hard to address. Now, in this current context, just don't. Give yourself permission to stop perpetuating the idea that your work and your psyche should not be impacted by the fact that nothing is the same right now.

Defend your ideas, yes. And do good work (-- nah, do good enough work). But know that you are defending your work under surreal circumstances. Account for this when you wake up tomorrow, move four feet from your bed to your desk, and try to do the same thing over again.

Overnight, this became the most popular post in the subreddit’s history. Admittedly, there aren’t a lot of members in this particular community (it should also be noted that this post was recently surpassed in popularity by a post entitled, “PhD has destroyed my mental health”). Still, several users responded with something along the lines of, “Thank you. I needed to hear this.”

I needed to hear those words too -- that is one reason why I wrote them. But I was also desperate to play another human role; one who ambiguously could have already made it to the other side of the dissertation defense, and was able to offer encouragement to those close to the finish line.

Soon after my hotel stay, where I eventually did find motivation to write, I was set to defend my dissertation. This was met with the opportunity to transform into another human role: someone who was nearing the end of her graduate student career, and had no choice but believe that her work was good enough.

The dissertation defense took place via video conferencing. I sat at my desk in my make-shift office in my bedroom.

Five kind and smart professors asked me kind questions that made me feel smart.

And that was it.

After the defense, the stress began to fade away. I recalled the wise words that my therapist once said, “It’s remarkable how, after the defense, people just won’t need anything from you anymore.” I made edits to my dissertation and submitted my final version. I dismantled my “home office” and replaced it with a reading chair and a plant. A new issue of The Atlantic arrived in the mail, and now with time, cognitive space, and optimism that this issue would not be as depressing as the others, I started to read.

I opened to an article about a historian who predicts that the United States is about to experience a terrible decade. He blames this on the overproduction of elites. ("There are still only 100 Senate seats, but more people than ever have enough money or degrees to think they should be running the country.") These elites find alternative ways to disrupt the status quo to influence people; the elite overproduction "creates counter-elites, and counter-elites look for allies among the commoners.”2

Although the article was compelling, it did not feel like appropriate material, as one does not work tirelessly through graduate school to then be compared to Steve Bannon.

I continued to the next article which was about young adults (or old children) who post things to a social media platform I’ve never used (TikTok). Not only do they create short videos that are viewed by millions of viewers, but there is an entire industry of these individuals, and they curate their content together in the mansions that they cohabitate (I am yet to grasp the monetization of this endeavor).3

I settled into my chair. Finding myself enjoying my new human role as a casual observer to an unknown world, I thought: What an absolutely absurd life pursuit.

xx,

Amy, PhD

https://nplusonemag.com/issue-37/the-intellectual-situation/epilogue-for-a-way-of-life/ ↩︎

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/12/can-history-predict-future/616993/ ↩︎

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/12/charli-damelio-tiktok-teens/616929/ ↩︎

#phd

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