#and I keep reading fics where he’s hitting 50 or more | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

finelinevogue · 2 years

Text

don’t break my heart this year

summary - you break up with Harry but you live to regret the decision

warnings: self-deprecation, breakup, anxiety, family death, depression, but also fluff and a happy ending, i am one with hurt-comfort fics :)

pairing: ex-boyfriend!harry x reader

word count: +7.2k

It hadn't even been a year since you'd broken up with Harry and yet it still haunted you.

There wasn't a day that went past where you thought about how your life could've been so different if you had of stayed. If you had talked everything through with Harry. If you had been that little bit stronger. If you had given Harry a chance to explain how he felt.

Your breakup with Harry wasn't like most. Neither of you had cheated. Neither of you had fallen out of love with one another. Neither of you had stolen off the other. You had simply moved back home, to take care of your widowed mother and had lost contact with him. Your mum lived up in the top hills of Scotland, meaning the signal was dire. If you wanted to call anyone, including Harry, you'd have to drive at least 50 miles before hitting service.

It wasn't fair to keep Harry waiting days on end, just to have a five minute phone conversation with you. It wasn't fair that Harry couldn't see you because you lived so far away. He deserved so much more than you could give him. He deserved someone he could come home to each day, after work, and shower him with endless love. So you did what you believed was the most mature thing, and broke up with him. You drove all the way down to London to explain it to him in person, feeling like he deserved that much from you. He didn't take it well and neither did you. You left before he could ever really tell you how he felt, not having the courage to stay.

Since that day, you hadn't spoken to him. You knew it would hurt too much if you did.

Your mum wasn't doing well. Two years ago your dad had passed, due to heart problems, and your mum had taken it very hard. She was not in a good place, mentally, and you knew she needed someone to look after her. Being an only child made times like these hard.

Life had been hard recently, and it didn't seem like it was getting any better.

All your time was being devoted to looking after your mum that you hardly had any time for anything else. You were trying your best to study at online university whilst holding down tough hours at the local restaurant. Your average day would be 9-5 at university, but dipping in and out to help aid your mum in anyway you could. Then from 6pm until, normally, 1am you would work in the local pub. It was quite the drive from your mums house, but the money was needed.

In recent weeks it had gotten tougher. The work load from university had started to ridiculously pile up, to the point where when you finished at the restaurant you'd have to stay up until 5am just to finish off some readings or essays.

Your mum was worsening too. She no longer liked going outside by herself, because she was worried the "big, bad, world" might snatch her up just like it had you dad. You promised her she was okay, but she'd lost a lost confidence in herself and the world she lived in. Having a conversation with her was harder too - almost like you were losing her mentally.

All you could think about was how Harry was doing. Was he okay? Was he dealing with the breakup well? Or did it not really bother him at all? He was constantly on your mind, invading your every thought and you wished to have a moment away from him sometimes. Only sometimes though, as he quite honestly was the only thing holding you together at the moment.

As much as it pained for you to admit it, you truly hoped he'd found someone else - someone better. You knew the possibility of ever seeing him again, let alone being with him again, was shattered the moment you walked away from London. You'd left your heart with heart with Harry that day and you would be dammed if you gave it to anyone else. It was his to keep - even if he was unaware of its presence.

Tonight was just like any other night. Until it wasn't.

The pub owner, Patrick, your boss, had put you on an even longer shift today. It was getting closer to Christmas and the locals tend to come to the pub more often, sometimes even bringing relatives and friends from around the country. So today you didn't finish until 2am, having started at 5:30pm. It was tiring after a full day at uni.

You'd finished serving Alan and his friends their third round of beer for the evening, before getting back to cleaning up. It was getting close to closing time and you were beyond ready to go home now. Your mum would hopefully be in bed, but if not that would add an extra hour on before you could go to sleep.

Alan and co. luckily ended their night after round three, thanking you for your impeccable service as they left noisily.

The other staff members, who worked alongside you, had left ten minutes ago or so, claiming they had to be up early in the morning and so had to head off. If only you had the courage to say the same. You'd love to get off a little earlier, but it just wasn't practical.

As you were stacking chairs the front door chimes went off, signalling that you had a new customer. It wouldn't be an employee or Patrick because they'd all use the back entrance.

"Oh, i'm sorry we're closing." You explained, not looking over your shoulder to see who'd entered. You were focused on wiping down tables to rid them of alcohol stains, and flipping the chairs over to balance them off the tables so you could wipe the floor.

You didn't hear the sound of the door opening and closing again. Instead, you heard his voice.

"All this way and you wont let me even have one drink?" He teased you, making you freeze in your motions.

You turned around cautiously, prepared for anything because it could just honestly be your mind playing tricks on you. Maybe you were losing the plot, not your mum. How wrong you were, though. So, so wrong.

There he was, all warm and loveable. Nothing had changed really. He had a little bit of stubble, clearly proud that he had finally grown some facial hair. His curly locks were piled underneath his infamous Green Bay Packers beanie, the one you'd bought him on your trip to New York. His cheeks were a little rosy from the cold winters eve, explaining why he was also layered in clothes.

"Hi Harry." You warmly smiled, feeling a small red burn creep onto your cheeks now. You were nervous stood in front of him again and you didn't know why. It was just Harry, after all .

"Hello." He replied the same way he always does upon meeting someone. You felt like you had to shake his hand or something to break the awkward barrier you'd built, but you didn't.

You were so caught up in the beauty of him that you completely forgot you were being rude.

"Oh, i'm sorry. Would you like that drink?" You offered, after clearing your throat and dusting down your clothes, even though the last thing you wanted to do was make another drink this evening.

"I was only messing, love." Oh how you'd missed him calling you that. The mere sound of it again sent butterflies straight to the depths of your stomach. He made you feel like life was on an eternal rollercoaster and it was one that you'd never want to disembark.

"Well, I-I can't serve any food past—"

"In not here for food either." He shook his head softly, maintaining the comfortable distance between you two. The last thing he wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable.

"Oh. Um, then what service do you require? Are you lost, um, because we have a phone out back that—"

"I'm not lost. I'm exactly where I need to be." Harry cut you off again, a habit you'd always found annoying but now found endearing. It was like he knew your thought process better than you did. He knew what you were going to say before even you did.

"How did you even find this place?" You asked confused. You had trouble finding this place and you grew up here, so how Harry has found it was an incomplete puzzle.

"I have my ways." He smirked his signature cheeky smile, the one which you'd fallen in love with. The one you were still in love with. You laughed and shook your dead at his idiocy but also his gentle humour. You really needed it after the past few months you'd had. The past few months that you caused. The ones that broke the perfect man standing in front of you.

"Irene?" You questioned your mothers name, not being able to think of another way he'd know your location.

"Irene, yes." Harry laughed at how quick you were. "How is she?" Harry continued, wondering if she was any better from the last time you'd spoken to him about her.

"Not good." You nodded your head and tried your hardest to smile, although it felt very unconvincing sat on your face.

Harry nodded too and you knew it was his way of silently telling you that he was sorry and that he hoped everything would get better. You were having a hard time believing him though. "And you?" He asked, stuffing his hands in his coat pockets to warm them up. He didn't understand how you were only stood there in a tshirt and cardigan, on top. Your tights and skirt were nice and toasty warm, but you were chilly up top.

"Okay, yeah, um you?" You quickly brushed past his question, not wanting to delve deep in to your feelings with him right now. Harry could tell you weren't okay though, no matter how much you told him otherwise.

He noticed the tired eyes. He noticed the stressed brain. He noticed the ever-slimming figure. He noticed the messy hair. He noticed the irritated and scratched skin on the top of your wrists. He noticed the way your hands were slightly shaking and your teeth were barely chattering. He noticed it all even when you thought he didn't. You weren't okay. He knew that much and you knew it too.

"Been better." He truthfully admitted, making you feel worse than you did before. You couldn't do right for wrong and it was slowly exhausting you.

"Mhm." Was all you could reply with, not having anything else to say because he'd heard it all before when you'd gone to London. You stacked the last few chairs and a thick blanket of awkward silence filled the air. You didn't want it to be awkward, but then again you should've thought about that before breaking up with someone you could never stop loving.

"What are here for then, Harry?" You wondered, moving behind the bar to maintain a distance between you two. You decided you'd sweep the floor tomorrow, instead of tonight, just wanting to escape from this shithole now.

"For you." He firmly put it, not sugar coating anything but just providing the honest truth.

"Oh-uh," you cleared your throat again, not sure how to continue the conversation, "any particular reason?" You stupidly asked, as if you didn't know the reason he'd travelled hundreds of miles to see you.

"Well it wasn't to come and shout at you, you'll be happy to hear." He joked, but all you could do was breathe a huge sigh of relief. You don't know whether you could take the hate today, even if you did heavily deserve it.

"Yeah, that is good to hear!" You joked along with him, but knew that wasn't the tone of what he wanted to talk about either.

"Hey? How about we get out of this dark and saddening, beer smelling, pub and go somewhere a little more fresh?" Harry offered, telling that you were desperate to get out of here and literally go anywhere but here.

"You have somewhere in mind, Mr Spontaneous?" You teased him, knowing that he will be useless in finding a good spot out here. There were plenty of good hideout spots, you just have to know where to find the best ones. You'd proudly been to them all and you used them as a place to seek the calm amongst the eternal chaos.

"Actually, I do, Miss Know-It-All." He teased back, earning a stuck out tongue on your behalf to him. He was such a little prick sometimes. "Go get your stuff and let's go."

"Okay." You bit your lip in excited anticipation. This could be either the best night in your life's history, or the worst.

Running to the locker room gave you the opportunity to let out a breath that had been wildly built up inside you, without even realising. Harry was actually here, let alone in the pub but actually in Scotland. Harry had been in contact with you mum, just so he could travel across the country to talk. God knows about what - or maybe it'll be about who he's now with. You were just so incredibly happy that he was here. For so long you'd built up this idea that it would cause a war if you ever saw him again - that he'd get angry at you - but it was nothing like it. If anything, he was being overly gentle and cautious around you - like he was afraid that he'd say the wrong thing and you'd make a run for it again.

The crew room reeked of sweat and it didn't take long for you to start feeling sick because of it. You quickly grabbed your overcoat and your bag before heading back out to the main restaurant area. Harry was sat at the bar, aimlessly tossing a beer mat between his fingers. He didn't even notice your presence he was that caught up in his own thoughts.

"You ready?" You timidly asked, internally asking yourself the same question. The answer was an indefinite no.

"If you are." He nodded and warmly smiled at you, assuring you that this was okay and it was alright to feel nervous. Hell, he certainly was.

"Okay. Let's go." He let you guide him to the door, like the gentleman he is, stopping to let you turn all the lights and machinery power off. Once you were both out of the door and in to the bitter frost, you locked the door tight shut.

"It's fucking freezing up here." Harry complained, and you knew it wouldn't be the last time he made a remark like that today.

"Tell me something I don't know." You rolled your eyes at the weather, fed up of the depressing cold. Jamaica sounded lush round about now - with all the swaying palm trees, warm sandy beaches and cooling waves of the ocean. Here, it was just hills, snow, hills, rain, hills and hills.

Harry lead you to his truck. It was one you'd never seen before so most likely had hired for the duration of time he was going to be here for. You wondered where he was staying, since there were no five-star hotels out here - only Margaret and Tony's B&B. Harry would like it there though. It sat proud next to a quaint stream and you couldn't hear a car even if you tried - it was the perfect retreat for a critically acclaimed mega-rockstar.

He opened the door for you, lending you a hand to step up since it was a large step. The feeling of his skin touching yours was a sensation that you could write novels about. A feeling that you'd so dearly missed and craved more than ever now. It didn't take long for him to enter his side of the car and start the engine up. The first thing he did was turn up the heating, noticing how your hands had been ice-cold when they touched his and how you were silently shivering. He noticed.

"It'll heat up in no time, I promise. In the mean time, here you are." He handed you the coat he'd just been wearing and it was still lusciously warm inside. It smelt just like him. It smelt of home.

"Thank you." Not even turning down his kind gesture because you were that cold.

"Trust me, still?" Harry asked you, setting the car into the right gear before looking across to you. It was painful to hear him have to ask such a question. You pulled the coat tighter over you, using it as a blanket, trying to preserve as much heat over your body as possible.

"Always."

•••••

The drive was a very peaceful one.

No commentary was made between the two of you, only the soft, mellow, tunes of Sinatra danced around the confines of the car. You could sometimes hear the passing of a nearby car or steam train, but there were no voices. Comfortable silence is so overrated - at least you for you it was uncomfortable. It was because you were terrified of saying the wrong thing as to why you didn't say anything, but also you felt like you'd said everything the last time you saw him.

Your mind drifted to London, as you closed your eyes, on that rainy Thursday eve...

I didn't think i'd be this nervous for anything in my life, but here I was.

His house looked bigger than the last time i'd seen it. The ivy growing up the walls looked powerful, as if it could tear the whole wall off if it wanted to. The pink front door assured me that I was at the right house, but I silently wished that it was a different colour because then I wouldn't have to face what I knew was to come. It was all going to be my fault though. I would most likely leave with a broken heart and the guilty conscience that I broke his too.

But this had to happen. It wasn't fair to him anymore.

I got out of the taxi, thanking him for waiting just a few more minutes whilst I collected myself and went and did what I came to do. He was very sweet and let me ride for a discounted price, obviously sensing my abundance of nerves, saying he'd wait for me to take me back to the station after this. He didn't say anything else to me, but he didn't need to.

The walk to the door, underneath the porch out of the torrential rain, felt like miles and yet it was only a few steps. My mind rushed through every possible scenario this could end up as. I looked back at the taxi man and he was smiling with encouragement at me, as if he knew exactly what was happening here.

I knocked three times - each one with the same amount of power.

The anticipation was the worst part. I wanted to scream, but also cry already.

The door swung open after 27 seconds precisely, not that i'd been counting or anything. I was so ready to start my rehearsed piece with him, but I was so blinded by his beauty that all thoughts were forgotten. He couldn't have looked better. He was standing here in checkered pyjama bottoms and a navy-blue crewneck sweatshirt, with little brown loafer slippers for comfort, and he still managed to be the most handsome man on the planet. He was so perfect.

Unlike me, Harrys thoughts were clear and his mind was only focused on one thing. Me.

I'd never seen him move so fast in my life. He closed the distance between us instantly and sealed our lips together to knock down the final boundary. His hands cupped my cheeks so desperately I wobbled back slightly from the force. His lips had never tasted so good. So sweet. The sounds of the pattering rain were long forgotten and the overwhelming senses bursting off of Harry quickly infiltrated my system. The sweet taste. The freshly-showered smell. The angelic sight. The tingling touch. The blissful sound. My senses were overwhelmed by him and I couldn't help but cry into the kiss.

He didn't want to let go, that I was sure of. Each time I tried to move back and regain air he whimpered, pulling me back as soon as I had caught some oxygen. This was our longest, most passionate, most burning kiss. In fact it was our last, most passionate, most burning kiss - little did Harry know of that.

"Where've you been, baby?" Harry asked breathlessly, between a further two kisses to my now swollen, cherry, lips.

"A-away." I struggled get out my words due to Harrys continuous kisses.

"I was so worried. So, so worried." He shakes his head not wanting to think about it anymore. I pulled away from his grasp, stepping back to create a little distance between us. I couldn't say what I wanted to say if I was too close to him. "Where are you going love?" He chuckled out, but there was a heavy tone of vulnerability underneath his words.

"Harry y-you need to listen to me, okay?" I asked, but even he knew that he didn't have a choice. All he could was nod his head, too afraid to say anything. He had a disturbing feeling like this wasn't going to be a conversation about how much I loved and missed him - no matter how true that would be.

"I-I think you already know where this is going, so i'm not going to sugar coat anything." Harry was already shaking his head at me.

"Y/N/N.. Please, no.." Harry continued to shake his head, realising you two were on the same page now and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"Harry, I - uh - shit. C'mon Y/N." I mumbled to yourself, trying to hold myself together. "I love you, Harry. I've never loved someone half as much as i've loved you, and I never will. You have my heart - all of it. I need you to know that first, because it's important to me that you understand that," I watched him nod his head, "Harry, baby, I can't be with you anymore. It's nothing you did I swear. You were and still will be the best boyfriend to ever exist, because you are the most amazing person to exist—"

"Then don't do this, angel. Please." Harry butt in, tears now flowing down his face and it made it painful for me to look at him.

"Harry stop. Okay? It's not fair on you anymore. I can't be the girlfriend you need. I can't be the one you depend on anymore because I can't be here. My mum she's.. Well it doesn't matter, but she needs me more than ever and I can't leave her. Not now,' I watch Harry sniffle and wipe his nose on his sleeve, "You deserve so much more than me. You deserve someone who will give you everything, not that you didn't have everything from me - it's just I couldn't give you all of me all the time—"

"I don't care." Harry kept repeating like a broken record. This is what i'd made him into. I stepped closer to him again, cupping his cheeks to help him focus on anything other than his dark thoughts.

"Hey. You'll be okay. You don't need me. I was just someone passing by in your life, alright?" I pressed my forehead hard against his, and he cupped my cheeks to mirror me. If I could touch him then he sure as hell was touching me. He would savour every last moment next to me, because it might just be his last.

"No, Y/N/N, you're not. You m-mean everything t-to me." Harry sobbed out.

"Okay, but now you have to let me go. For your own bright and wonderful future, Harry, you have to let me go." I instructed him.

"No, no, no." He repeated and all I could do to shut him up was give him a kiss. The final kiss. I poured as much emotion as I possibly could do into the kiss, relishing every last second I had with him. After today I would probably never see him again. I would go back and live in Scotland, where the media is non existent, and live my life without my favourite person by my side. I would go back to working in the dirty bar and slaving away to the demands of university, all the while Harry will find someone new - someone better - and start up his wonderful life with them.

He was going to do great things.

I was the one to detach my lips first this time, knowing that if I didn't stop there I would never. I gave him one final, full of love, peck before pulling away from his warm embrace.

"I'm going now." I whispered, not wanting to even hear myself say those dreaded words.

"No." Was all Harry could say back. We both had faces full of tears and hearts full of hurt, but for now I had to be strong for him.

"I love you." Were my last words, before running back to the taxi out of the storm.

The look on his face was one that I knew was going to haunt me for years. There was no escaping it. He was utterly and completely broken - and all because of me.

My impending thoughts got interrupted by a call of my name. It was a distant voice, one that I didn't understand where it was coming from. It was so loud and clear and it sounded just like Harry, only when I looked at him his lips weren't moving. I'd left him broken on his doorstop and he couldn't do anything to fix the situation at- Y/N/N!

Again the voice repeated my name. Maybe I was having a stroke?

I couldn't stop crying in the taxi. The man knew to take me to the station, no questions asked. I respected him for that. My mind spiralled down in to a pit of self destruction and loathing. Every possible cruel thing I could think of, I could relate to myself. I couldn't stop thinking about the fragile Harry i'd left on the doorstep and—

"Y/N/N!" Harrys voice was much clearer now and it was obvious that you hadn't been dreaming him calling your name. He was standing outside the passenger door and it was only then that you'd noticed that you were parked up somewhere. "You're okay, you're okay." He assured you.

"Wha- where are we?" You asked, slightly dazed from the god-awful memory that just replayed in your head. It was a nightmare that kept you up most nights - it was one of the reasons you hated sleeping. It baffled you how Harry even wanted to be near you right now after everything you'd put him through.

"Come on and i'll show you." Harry held out his hand to help you back out of the truck.

The clicking of your seatbelt signified to Harry that you were preparing to climb out of the car and follow him. It meant that you continued to trust him, and that was more than enough for Harry. You grabbed on to his hand and allowed him to hold on to you tightly, in case you fell.

"There you go. I've got you." Harry spoke quietly, like he was afraid someone nearby would hear him. There would be no one around for miles though. It looked like you were at some outlook, somewhere, but it hadn't hit you exactly where yet. You were slightly disorientated considering how dark it was and not being awake for the journey.

"Thank you." You whispered back, both of you knowing it carried a much deeper meaning than you thanking him for helping you out of a car.

He pulled out his coat that you'd had wrapped around you, knowing it was too cold for you to not be wearing a coat right now. He pulled it around you, helping you slide both your arms in, before leaning down to do the zip up for you. He did it up teasingly slow and it made you nervous for when he'd reach the top. Once he'd reached the top he was stood so close to you that you could hear his heartbeat. His breath was shaky, but not as shaky as yours. You wanted to blame it on the cold but you knew it wasn't because of that.

He looked between your sparkling eyes and your rosy lips, being so indecisive of what he would rather look at. Your lips, he could kiss them for days, but your eyes - your eyes were something else. He swore they were the most precious things in the world. You were convinced he was going to lean in and kiss you, but he proved otherwise.

"Here," he took off his beanie and helped suit it onto your head instead, making sure your hair was tucked out of your eyes as he did so, "you're like a little icicle." He chuckled, making you laugh along with him.

"Thanks, Harry." You smiled sweetly at him, blessed to have him act so kind towards you. His heart was so big, yet so fragile as if it were made of glass, and deserved to be treated with all the grace in the world, but you'd managed to tear it down to its last shards - leaving nothing but broken pieces for him to pick up. "Aren't you going to be cold?" You asked, concerned for his physical health.

He reached in to the glove compartment, before bringing out another hat - a TPWK one at that. You laughed as he placed it on his head, finding it amusing how he was repping his own merchandise.

"You think it's funny? Me, wearing me own merch?" He laughed along with you, finding the most stupid things hilarious. It was just like old times - better times.

"Well do you want your hat back?" You offered, reaching for the bobble on the top of it.

"No. I like it better on you." He winked and it made you roll your eyes.

He slammed the door shut and locked the car with his keys, before stuffing them in his pockets. He took in a big breathe, most likely taking in the crisp winter air. It was refreshing, but something that was becoming all too familiar now. You needed a change. Jamaica, maybe?

Harry reached in to the open trunk of the truck and pulled out a regular rucksack. He slipped it on to his back before he held out his hand for you. "Ready?" He asked, not going anywhere until you took a tight hold on his hand.

"Ready." You nodded, eagerly grabbing his hand - wanting to feel those tingles all over again.

•••••

The walk, to wherever the fuck you were going, was exceptionally pretty. Harry chose well.

The path was hidden deep within a forest and it creeped you out at how dark and mysterious the whole atmosphere was. You felt completely safe standing next to Harry and holding his hand. He was warm and it warmed you up too.

No words had been spoken yet, only soft hums of a tune that Harry must be working on - seeing as you'd never heard it before. It was beautiful whatever it was. The eery night was so peaceful that you felt as if you had no problems left in the world. As if you mum was mentally okay. Your dad was still here. You and Harry were still together. What a perfect world that would be, but unfortunately some people weren't supposed to lead a perfect life. You were one of the unfortunate ones.

As you reached an opening of trees you noticed the lights shining more and more. They were becoming brighter and brighter the closer you came. Then it all started coming back to you. That tree - the one you fell out of whilst playing hide and seek with your dad. That bush - the one that you'd fallen in and cut your knee on whilst on a run with your dad. That pile of logs - the ones that you'd built many a campfire with, with your dad. And finally, that outlook over the valley below - the one that you would turn up at whenever you were sad with your dad.

It made you stop dead in your tracks.

"Harry." You whispered, finding it overwhelming that he knew of this place and how special it was to you. He knew that your father had passed, but you never really explained how it made you feel. You tended to bottle up all your emotions and keep them to yourself, finding it unfair to lay all your shit on someone else who might be going through things worse than you. This was uncharted territory for you.

"It's okay." He reminded you, bringing you closer in to his side with his arm. You appreciated him a bloody lot.

"No it's not. It's not and it's all my fault." You couldn't walk any further, not knowing where this evening was going and what Harry wanted to talk to you about. The guilt was eating you alive. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no. Don't be sorry. I don't want you to be sorry, Y/N/N, okay?" Harry made you look at him, showing him to observe the small trickle of tears rubbing down your cheeks. You wished he didn't see them, though, because you felt selfish. If anyone should be crying it was him.

"But I—"

"I know what you did, I was there. Front row and centre actually." He laughed, bopping your nose to earn a laugh out of you too.

"How c-can you stand being near m-me then?" You were confused. You mum had told you that Harry would never want to see you again - charming.

"Because I love you." Harry put it in a way that was so simple, yet one that made your heart melt and walls crumble. He was still yours even after all this time, really?

"You l-love me? Still?" You had to double check, completely lost at how he was still devoted to you after all this time. After all that you'd said and done. Of course you still loved him, that was a given, but him still loving you was a terrifyingly happy surprise. He always has had the biggest heart of gold, and he remains to live up to that title. You were so undeserving of him and his heart of gold.

"I never stopped, baby." He squished your face close to his, large hands concealing your face to keep you focused on him and only him.

"You can't mean that, Harry. Not after everything I put you through." You whispered, searching for any signs of doubt behind his eyes. There was nothing but love for all you could see though.

"Listen to me Y/N/N. The last few months have made me realise something. It's made me realise that you're too special to me to ever let you go. Even though you made my phone miss your calls and we hadn't spoke since you went away, all I could think about was you and how you were doing. You didn't look good when you came to my porch in London, and you still don't baby." Harry was being completely honest with you, needing you to understand the complex depths of both sides of this relationship.

"No, i'm okay." You tried to convince him, but lacked the evidence to justify the statement.

"When was the last time you slept for a good 8 hours?" Harry asked, keeping you close to him - afraid you may dash at any point.

"Um, well—" You tried to rack your brain for an answer, but the answer was so long ago it was long forgotten.

"When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" He asked again, this time his eyes gazing down at your body. Yes, you knew that you'd become skinner but you didn't realise it was that noticeable. Or maybe it was just because Harry always noticed the most smallest, most minute, details about you.

"It was, um—" You squeezed your eyes shut hoping something would come to mind but you knew it was pointless.

"When was the last time you gave yourself a breather? A sit down? A bit of time to yourself?" He pressed for an answer, but it was obvious by now that you didn't have an answer.

"I-I," you let out a defeated sigh, looking towards the ground in shame, "I don't know." You admitted to him, and to yourself. You know you should take care of yourself better, but it's been hard to sort it out when you're doing a million and one other jobs too.

You two stayed silent for a few moments, reflecting on the words that had been spoken this evening. Finding out that Harry was still in love with you, in the area that was filled with fond childhood memories with your dad, whilst coming to teens with your mental struggles was a lot to take in in just one night. You could only take so much and you'd be forever grateful that it was Harry by your side right now and no one else. Not even your dad could come close to the secure and warm feelings that Harry gave you.

"I'm not okay, Harry, am I?" You had to ask Harry for support in your question, not wanting to admit the truth to yourself alone.

"You're just a little broken, baby, but i'm here okay? It won't be like this forever, I promise." Harry swore it on his mums life. His hands left your cheeks and instead wrapped around your body protectively, making sure you felt the mental and physical stability of him being there for you.

"I'm so-sorry for everything, Harry." You apologised for not nearly the enough times that evening - well technically morning. If you waited long enough you could probably watch the sun rise from this side of the valley - it was something you dreamt about doing with your dad, but it was too late to fulfil that dream when the time came around.

"It's alright." Harry shushed you, allowing you to carry on with the sobs you needed to let out.

"Is it?" You questioned, still not fully convinced that it was.

"I'll be alright as long as you are alright, love." You could feel Harrys smile against the side of your head where he was resting it, making you slightly smile in return. "Just need you back."

"If you'll have me?" You offered, wanting him to be positively sure of himself.

"Always." He replied, using the same phrasing you'd done earlier this evening.

•••••

Sunrise.

You never thought it would be so beautiful and yet you were so magically lost for words. The way the sun caught its first few rays on the glistening, snowy, mountain tops was cinematic. The rays starting to warm up your icy skin was exhilarating, almost like it was feeding you life again. Oh how your dad would've loved this.

What was even more special than the sunrise was the boy that you got to spend watching it with. Wrapped under a layer of three blankets, your back against his front whilst sat perched against a thick oak tree, you got to witness a moment so singular and unique, with someone as equally unique, and you wouldn't swap it for a million pounds.

Harry had brought hot cocoa, with little pink and white marshmallows, in a thermo-flask to help keep you both warm. He'd clearly thought about this "date", you guess you could call it, with great passion. He had thought of everything. He'd brought bundles of blankets, the hot chocolate, an extra jumper for you - your favourite one of his in fact - and even a portable charger so your phone was ready to snap some shots of the waking sun.

You were positive his body was completely stiff now, most likely going to have crippling back pains for the rest of the week, but you knew he didn't care. All he cared about was you and that you were happy.

Throughout the morning, whilst you were waiting for the sun to arise, you spoke about everything and nothing. You'd learnt that Harry had been with someone a month after your broken up with him, but went in to a two week period of self loathing afterwards because she, quote, "just wasn't you". Apparently he'd almost said your name, to her, the morning after and that's when he knew it was never going to be anyone else but you. Of course your heart bled a little to hear him have moved on so quickly, but you also remember encouraging it so you couldn't really be angry.

You opened up about the grieving of your dad and the hardship that your mum had become. Although it was hard to hear, listening to Harry suggest maybe taking her to a group house for family rehabilitation, or something along those lines, it should be an option to consider. He never pressed you for an answer, but only letting you know he was here whatever you decided to do.

You apologised a lot more times and each time he shut you up with his lips. God had you missed those lips. You'd missed him more.

Harry admitted he'd developed a slight drinking problem and had had to stay at random hotel rooms, for the first couple of months, because he couldn't bare to walk around a house that was so full of you and your memories. The kitchen, where you'd prepared countless morning coffees for him. The study, where you'd read a few stories to him. The bedroom, where you'd spent many a night with him beneath the sheets loving each other until you physically could no more.

Both of you were extremely vulnerable and that's exactly how it needed to be.

To move forwards you vowed to be more open and honest with one another. Harry promised to stay with you for a while, up here, until he was comfortable that you'd be okay if he left you. You promised to never leave him again, which he was perfectly happy with. You also strictly told him that he wasn't to go near a bottle of alcohol unless you were with him, not baring the thought of having to send him into rehab for substance abuse.

The two of you had a long way to go to be perfect, but then again there was no such thing. You were just Y/N and Harry, and as long as you made each other happy, then that, in your eyes, was perfect.

630 notes · View notes

medusapelagia · 6 months

Text

Comment bingo!

This time Andy the 🐙 and I have had a lot of fun reading the wonderful new fics that have been published thanks to the @strangerthingsreversebigbang (thanks to the ST Reverse BB I was lucky enough to be one of the first to read those stories!!!) and we finally completed our bingo card!

As always go give them some love to these fics if you want to! And keep commenting!

Comment on a fic featuring a rare pair: I think of Thee by of house_of_chant ( @house-of-chant), complete, rating T, Hellcheer. Inspired by Bee ( @sunflowerharrington ) beautiful art, it’s a fluffy modern AU featuring the cutest cheerleader ever and the famous metalhead!

Comment on a fic with no comment so far: Stop insisting that I’m not a lost cause by SlippySlip ( @slippy-slip ), WIP, Rating T, insipired by a beautiful art made by LogeDraws featuring a fluffy and clumsy Steve werewolf!

Comment on a fic with a lopsided kudos to comment ratio: Cover Worthy by trans_steve_truther (@stevesno1simp), inspired by @raven-cl wonderful art, Complete, Rating E, Steddie. A photographer trans Steve meets the famous rockstar Eddie.

Comment bargaining firstborn or more: Come and Get Me by Rindecision (@rindecision), inspired by @waldos-art, WIP, Metalsandwich, Rating E, a boxing AU with my three favorites boys: Steve, Eddie and Billy!

Comment on what made you laugh/cry/scream: It’s Always Been You by Eddywow, complete, rating E, Steddie. The lovely conclusion of Eddywow Pornostar/Popstar AU

The other fics that helped me fill my bingo card under the cut!

Comment on a fic with under 50 hits: Dandelion Wishes by Carerra_os, rating T, WIP, Harringrove. This is a super sweet fic with child Billy and a very little magical Steve! And being part of the Harringrove Big Bang it also has incredible art made by Raven ! (now it has more than 50 hits like it deserves but I was lucky enough to be one of the first peole to read it!)

Theorize about world, character, and/or theme: and then you came by what_about_the_fish, rating E, WIP, Harringrove. Another incredible fic from the Harringrove Big Bang (so it has art as well! Made by Luca Doodle Doo) In a Dom/Sub universe Soft Dom Steve finds Billy, a Sub without a Dom that desperatly need one who took care of him like he deserves.

Epilogue comment: speculate on characters' futures: The Only Living Ghost In New York by beetlesandstars, rating M, complete, Steddie. A modern AU where Steve realizes that he is in love with Eddie... when Eddie gets married! It hurts so good!

Explain while the fic is better than canon: Let it happen by Romeren (, rating M, WIP, Harringrove, super sweet story written for bigbangharringrove and with beautiful art by Lemon and Apple.

Leave a long comment: Baby, I got sick this morning (heal me, darling)by TheRedHarlequin - rating: E, a lovely WIP with my favorite threesome: Steve, Billy and Eddie! Half sick fic and half magical AU! And it's not cheating if I put it again bacause it's a WIP and we finally got TO THE HOT CHAPTER and the world needs to know it! (Those are Andrew's the Octopus words, not mine, obviously...)

comment that is at least half keysmash: start by pulling him out of the fire by pricklywhicket, rating: E, complete, Steddie. This fic is SO good, I'm just at the first chapter but Wayne's characterization is amazing! If you are a Wayne lover (as I am) you have to read it!

Comment on a fic posted today: All I want for Christams is you, by LexiRoseWrites. rating: Teen and Up, Steddie, Complete. A sweet Christmas omegaverse fic!

comment detailing emotional devastation: hold me, scold me , by lydiah135 - rating: E, complete, Steddie. This fic has everythig! Transmasc Professional Dom Eddie, emotional pain and wonderful OCs! This is the 4th part of the series, I recommend to start from the first one!

revisit fic you read in the past & leave a(nother) comment: If I stare too long by brawls (brawlite) and ToAStranger, rating: E, complete- The first Metalsandwich fic I have ever read. It's hot, and fluff, and cute and it has incredible art!

Holy trinity: kudos, comment and bookmark: Sea of waking dreams by Oonionchiver, rating: E - Steddie, WIP. As everything that Azriel writes is intriguing, hot and supernatural!

Unhinged liveblogging reaction: Everybody wants you - Whataboutthefish - rating: E, complete - Harringrove. A sexy and painful song fic. It hurts so good!

Highlight & explains 3 favorite quotes: Baby, I got sick this morning (heal me, darling)by TheRedHarlequin - rating: E, a lovely WIP with my favorite threesome: Steve, Billy and Eddie! Half sick fic and half magical AU!

Find a comment you agree with & replay explaining why: The Long Night, by - Nox_Wiked - rating:E, another threesome Steve, Billy and Eddie and another WIP half survival and half unconventional omega fic!

Comment on a every chapter of a multichapter fic: Just add water by Just_my_latest_hyperfixation ( @just-my-latest-hyperfixation) -rating: E, complete, a super sweet Mermaid AU Steddie fic!

Comment on a WIP: To B, With Love by Triddlegrl (@fizzigigsimmer - rating: E, WIP an incredible Harringrove Omegaverse Western AU!

Comment on a fic posted at least 3 years ago: i think of you (i want you, too) i'd fall for you by To A Stranger - rating: E, complete, a Harringrove Criminal AU with hurt/comfort!

Leave a comment that is half emoji: what's mine is yours (to leave or take) by througheden - rating: M, complete, a Steddie sugary sweet AU with baker Eddie and nurse Steve and a lot of cakes!

Comment of a fic post in the last three days: Baby, It's Cold Outside by StitchedFox - Rating:M - complete, a Steddie Christmas fic about traditions and compromises!

promote a fic on Tumblr and/or Discord & tell the author so: All those fics!

#feed the fandom fest #comment bingo #fic rec #steddie #harringrove #metalsandwich

18 notes · View notes

unecoccinellenoire · 11 months

Note

33+50, gabenath? I love these fics so much, whenever I see one no matter what it's about I get excited to read it because of how much I love your writing. Keep up the great work <3

"Alright sir," Nathalie pushes her chair away from her desk, reaching for her phone, "That's-"

“You done for the day.” He keeps his eyes firmly on his screen. He won’t betray his weakness to her. “I’m aware. You don’t have to keep announcing how delighted you are to be away from me.”

“I was just being polite sir. Letting you know I wouldn’t be around for anything else you needed.”

He can’t help looking up as he scoffs. “Oh come off it Nathalie. You haven’t ‘just been polite’ to me ever since you decided you hated me.”

Her hand frozen above her phone since his interruption moves back to her side and she straightens up. “I wouldn’t describe it as decided to. Personally if we were going to use the word decided then I’d call it the time when you decided to disappoint me more than I ever thought you’d were able to do.”

Anger surges up his throat like acid, and were it any softer his grip on his stylus would break it. “You don’t have to stay you know.”

“You know why I stay,” her voice is quiet but firm and this time she picks up her phone and puts it in her pocket as if she plans to leave.

“Because you don’t trust me with my son. Or to understand that I failed. That I lost. That the only reason I’m not infamous right now is because some teenage girl thinks she loves my son. And that I’m stupid enough to try again.”

“That’s not the only stupid thing I worry about you doing?”

“What does that mean?”

“Maybe you should think about it,” she pushes her chair in with a final movement and turns and-

“Nathalie,” he doesn’t know when he reached out for her but there his hand is extended in front of him, the stylus on the floor.

She’s stopped, frowning, she almost looks worried though he won’t delude himself it’s for him.

“We need talk,” he says.

She inhales, then, “alright.”

“I’m not going to do anything stupid.” He pauses, but she doesn’t take the obvious bait and somewhat gratified he continues, “and you know Adrien will tell Ladybug if I do anything to him.”

“I don’t actually.”

Her tone is light, but he can hear the strain hiding behind. He’s not good at recognising emotions. Not without his Miraculous. Maybe not even with his Miraculous. But Emilie had used to do thatback when she was getting sicker and sicker. She’d done it enough times to burn that fake unconcern into his eardrums, and so he can recognise it now.

“Oh for-“

“I’m not blaming you actually. Or- I guess I am, but I’m to blame too and Emilie. Adrien,” she sighs, “Adrien doesn’t really know how things should be. Or when something goes past the awkwardness that would be expected in these circumstances to-“

“Adrien wants to move out.”

Her eyes widen, just a little, for a moment. “Adrien’s 15.”

“I’m aware,” he grits out, “but as he points out I was willing to send him to London. And on a world tour.”

“I was supposed to be with him on that.”

“If I don’t let him go he’ll run.”

Nathalie presses her lips together. “Where’s he want to go?”

“Where do you think,” he scoffs, “his lady’s.”

“That seems…unwise. I thought they were still on the outs.”

“Apparently they’ve made up,” then it hits him, “he hasn’t said any of this to you?”

Odd that. For Adrien to tell him and not Nathalie.

“I know my and Adrien’s relationship must seem undamaged to you,” Nathalie says, “but that’s because we had months to make up while you were, er-“

“Dead?”

Her nods tightly. “So. I was still Mayura. I countermanded you but I didn’t give him the rings. I don’t know that he truly trusts me yet. But then, I might be overthinking it.”

“How so?”

“Adrien doesn’t like disappointing people. He might not have told me because he knows I’d disapprove. And because he doesn’t want the argument. Easier to get you to present it as a fait accompli, and after all you are his father. If you’ve signed off on it then…”

Gabriel marvels, “I never thought Adrien was that sly.”

“He was Chat Noir beneath our noses all that time.” Her shoulder shifts in what could almost be a shrug, “and like I said, a lot of it is him being non-confrontational I think.”

“Chat Noir is plenty confrontational.”

“He’s finds it easier behind a mask. He’s like you that way.”

Something in her presumption making that comparison like she knows him grates at him, makes him want to get under her skin too, to prove she doesn’t know him as well as she thinks.

“I don’t think I was that different as Gabriel or Monarch near the end.”

“No.” And her lips purse again, “You weren’t.”

He draws his hands behind his back, reminded as he is every time he does it of his bare ring finger, “the thing is Nathalie, with Adrien leaving there’s no need for you to stay. You can go.”

She cocks her head, “are you threatening to fire me?”

“Threatening you? I’m giving you an out. I know you hate me. I know you want nothing more than never see me again. That- to you that mistake I made for unforgivable. And I’m telling you that you can go. That I’m not going to do anything stupid. I know I’m beaten, and soon Adrien is going to be out of my reach. You can leave Nathalie. Go back to your old profession and-“

“Stop!”

“What?”

Her shoulders rise and fall and then she strides over to him, “Gabriel Agreste, do you think I can just go back to my old work? When I’ve been your personal assistant for years and years and what I did was illegal before that, and-“

“Alright,” it’s his turn to interrupt her because he is so so tired of hearing this, “I ruined your life just like I ruined Emilie’s and I’ve ruined Adrien’s. I get it. I’m a terrible person. I’m so unlovable my son wishes I wasn’t his father, my one time best friend only stays because she feels she has to guard me as atonement or something, and my wife would hate me if she could see me. I get it. And I don’t need you here reinforcing that every day and making us both miserable when- mumph!”

Her hand on his mouth abruptly stops his speech.

Despite the fact they’re still her human aquamarine it feels like he’s looking into Mayura’s eyes not Nathalie’s. There’s an intensity to them that freezes him like a gorgon making it impossible to fight back.

Not that Nathalie probably wouldn’t win anyway despite his greater reach. He knows she still trains, relishing that she’s healthy enough to do so again.

“Gabriel Agreste.” She hisses out his name, “you are an idiot.”

He’s about to lick her hand in retaliation for that when-

“How dare you care yourself unloveable to my face when I’ve loved you for years?!”

His lips part in shock against her hand and she pulls it away again looking ready for a fight despite her confession.

“But you hate me?”

Nathalie looks frankly unimpressed. He can’t blame her, he hadn’t meant to say something that sounded that unintelligent.

“Love can’t just be extinguished in one moment. Not that you didn’t give it a good try afterwards, but then,” he sees the movement of her throat as she swallows and, “you died. And you know it wouldn’t have hurt so much when you failed me if I hadn’t loved you so much in the first place. But you know that much. I suppose that now you don’t have your Miraculous-”

“I didn’t actually.”

“What?”

“Know.”

“But- your Miraculous.”

“I didn’t realise it was love,” he pinches at the bridge of his nose, “we know that Miraculous didn’t suit me. Or maybe I was deluding myself. But- you still…”

She nods tightly.

“Ah.”

“Quite.” Nathalie says, “So maybe you’re right. Maybe I should go.”

“I-“ can’t let you leave now you’ve just said that, but he can’t say he loves her back either- not yet anyway,“if you think that’s best.”

“What I think best is for Adrien not to move in with the family of the teenage girlfriend he still wasn’t worked out all his issues we. So. Yes, I’ll move out. But I’m taking him with me.”

That’s- “that’s a much better plan. Yes, find somewhere suitable for the two of you and I’ll pay.”

“You don’t-“

“He’s my son.”

“Alright.” She relaxes, “I’m not sure about the job. I don’t like the idea of leaving you alone.”

“I told you. I won’t do anything stupid.”

“And will you talk to anyone about anything that isn’t work?”

He can feel his shoulders slump. “I suppose you have me there. But then we haven’t spoken about anything but work or Adrien since I came back either.”

“No. We haven’t. I guess I have been punishing you.”

“It worked.”

“It’s doesn’t feel as satisfying as I expected.”

“You know,” he muses, “there’d have to be a transition, you couldn’t just leave your job immediately.”

“That’s true.”

“That’s time for me to do better. If you can think of anyone who’d want to be around me.”

“Harry’s always been pretty forgiving of your moods.”

“That’s true. And perhaps there’s someone else who might like to spend some time with me socially. Once she’s no longer working for and living with me.”

For once the amusement “Me?”

“You don’t have to. But perhaps we could go out for dinner? Visit a museum and you can explain everything to me?”

Her lips curve up, “that sounds like a date.”

“It was meant to.”

“You’re sure?”

“I am. ”

“Then- yes.

#gabenath #gabriel agreste #nathalie sancoeur

46 notes · View notes

pollywiltse · 2 months

Text

I was going to write this excessively sentimental fanfic where André's ghost showed up to provide moral support for Tallmadge and his first wife when she died in return for Tallmadge making friends with André back when he died and then I realized I had given myself two very big problems, both because Tallmadge got hit really hard by the Second Great Awakening some time in the 1790s and there was absolutely no way I could keep that out of a fic about dead people.

The first is that I just don't know how religious early 19th century New Englanders thought and I would prefer Tallmadge to sound somewhat historically plausible rather than like an early 21st century agnostic's idea of 19th century God-botherers, especially because I like Tallmadge.

The second is that there is absolutely no way that Tallmadge would not be asking any dead person he got his hands on a ton of questions about "Did you meet Jesus? He's my fave" and I really didn't want this to turn into a theological discussion fic - either the kind where they sit around and talk about how great Jesus is or the kind where André goes, "So, not only is your wife dead, but also your entire belief system is wrong - oh, wait, I was supposed to make you feel better, wasn't I?" I just wanted excessive non-religious sentiment. (The mental image of André screaming "YOUR SKY-FATHER IS A LIE" is so out of character it's hilarious though.)

I mostly solved the second one by deciding that André has no idea about the actual afterlife because he's stuck in some in-between place until he either reaches the age he would have lived to if he hadn't been hanged or until everyone who knew him dies (or maybe forever, but that seems unnecessarily unpleasant), which is why he can come back as a ghost in the first place - probably the latter option since both his father and his brother died really young - early 50s and early 40s respectively - so possibly his "natural life span" would have ended before Tallmadge's wife died anyway. (Incidentally the year of birth given for his mother in the Ronald biography has to be wrong, because 1713 would mean that she was 47 when William Lewis was born, which I guess isn't impossible, but seems really unlikely, especially since she would have also had the last two girls at 41 and 42 and it would be weird for her to get pregnant that regularly in her 40s without modern fertility treatments......And checking find-a-grave gives her a birth year of 1722, which seems more plausible. Also this makes her several years younger than her husband, which is more common, but without the weird ages for her kids' births I would have just went, "Huh, interesting". Also a ton of people have left flowers at the find-a-grave entry for John. Also he's marked as a veteran, which I think is not really true since he didn't retire from the military, though he is technically no longer serving in it. Because he's dead.)

Of course Tallmadge is still going to be really worried about whether or not André has found Jesus and the real André could have probably wriggled out of that one gracefully, but I lack his tact, so I think this is going to be tragically exiled to Drawerfic Island. (I assume the real guy believed in some sort of vague Christianity because everyone around him did and there's no evidence to suggest that he cared enough about religion to form his own opinions, but that's not the kind of Christianity that older Tallmadge would think counted as real Christianity and I don't think André had any interest in Tallmadge's kind of Christianity. (Though there's this one girl on Goodreads who is absolutely convinced he was secretly deeply devout and just went through a phase where he threw a ton of wild parties because he was running away from his love for Jesus, and what a surprise she's going to be in for when she finally reads his biographies and finds out how little he resembles her idea of him. She's also very clearly a closeted slash writer.))

Actually I kind of feel like André would consider Tallmadge's particular brand of religiousness a little gauche and the same type of bemusing as someone who was a gentleman in every other way but kept cleaning wax out of his ears at the dinner table.

As for the first problem, I was thinking I should actually try to read early 19th century New England Protestant religious writings, not just for fanfic purposes but because I have a feeling a lot of those ideas still keep popping up in real life, and I don't mean just among religious people. I mean any time Cosmo or whoever starts talking about manifesting, I'm pretty sure that's originally from one of those weird 19th century fringe New England movements that thought you could cue cancer if you believed hard enough that you were healthy. (Also there's that one girl at work who it boggles me that she was evidently raised Catholic and now identifies as an atheist, because she has exactly the personality of someone who, if she lived in 1830s New England, would head off to the South Sea Islands to bring Jesus and pants to the poor benighted heathens because she loved them and cared about them but not in a way that involved actually taking their opinions seriously and no, I can't stand her, how can you tell?)

But then I was reading Poganuc People because Colonel Davenport is supposedly loosely based on Tallmadge and I got to the part about Zeph Higgins' conversion and barfed all over my keyboard and I remembered why I don't read that stuff. Also wow Harriet Beecher Stowe doesn't seem to have been conflicted about her upbringing or her father in any way.

#john andré #benjamin tallmadge #drawerfic #poganuc people #I actually didn't hate the book #just that one bit was huuurgggghh #I just want all the sentimental andré ghost fics

9 notes · View notes

magnaflourious-nerdity · 9 months

Text

So the ask got deleted accidentally, but @autisticharrywells asked me about SANGYAO for toxic ship bingo, and now that I have forcibly dragged them through all 50 episodes, i can at last go off---- you FOOL! you have fallen directly into my trap!!! Muahahaha

I do not know how I ended up here. I don't know WHY I ended up here, except that I'm some kind of masochist.

Like I was all prepared to be 100% team wangxian otp and read all the fic and shit, and I started out so promising. (And I do love them...) But then. Then. That little demon brought a bird to class. And the other little demon protected him during the Wen thing. The stabbing ?? The warning as Meng Yao was leaving to huaisang DESPITE actively bleeding. The pleading to Mingjue to let Meng Yao stay despite no evidence of Huaisang ever really standing up to question NMJ decisions before like that (esp in front of other clan members) (other than with things like blowing off Sabre practice) THE FAN CLENCH. MY HEART. And THEN they committed their various atrocities during which the no turning back point was hit for them so many times and yet i do believe the remorse was there and so too was some affection still, twisted as it was by time and hatred and isolation and i... I just....I slipped?

There's so much there!!! (and please keep in mind I'm mostly talking from a cql/the untamed perspective, though I have seen the donghua and am aware of book cannon, I just kinda prefer the show as the version I take to heart (with some notable jgy or Huaisang based exceptions bc i'm nothing if not willing to excuse their pretty boy mid-divorce war crimes))

These two have such a deep shared history that spans the entirety of the cannon, and their relationship is extra fascinating on rewatch as you can more clearly track the downward spiral of events.

There's also the tragedy that it COULD have been avoided, was so close to being avoided several times bc JGY is not really EVIL, (any one who says this is being super reductive imo) but he does preserve himself above all other things and people through sheer learned necessity (with the exception of xichen and isn't that also a beautiful part of sangyao tragedy?? That so clearly xichen and JGY were destined to be the tragic counterparts to wwx and lwj's relationship not nhs and jgy? That xichen was the only thing JGY ever sacrificed true parts of himself for, that huaisang knows that he could have done the same for him, but didn't? Because there was too much history with Mingjue to let it go, and also bc the devotion or affection he held for huaisang when they were both on the mountain never surpassed that point. He had too much caution to truly be himself, and Huaisang, I don't think could ever truly see past JGYs status in the way that xichen was able to since he served as his big brother's vice general and also his appointed companion to a degree. ) And where does that leave huaisang? Where he always is. ALONE. On a mountain he never fit in on in the first place. Where does it leave JGY? Stuck in a permanant customer service role to his awful father and branded further untrustable as a spy. Humilated and broken down to the point of just. So much murder. (Some of which I still maintain tain as a public service coughcoughJinGuangShancoughcough)

They are so much alike and yet so different in such key aspects, that I also have to believe they were meant to act as parallels to one another, just like wwx and jgy, or xichen and wangji. The planning and manipulation they both do (in their own ways bc i am in the camp that while huaisang is smarter than the average bear, smarter than he ever wants to let on bc it makes his life easier, he isnt able to truly outpace JGY's ability to craft a situation. What he is good at is manipulating people and social situations, and adapting his outlined plan extremely well on the fly- with the exception of maybe xichen. I dont think he meant to truly hurt xichen like that. I think that was a natural panic that if JGY was allowed to live it would mean Huaisang actually had to die at some point instead, Though I do also think perhaps there is some lingering resentment there that leads to it to bc why is JGY worth pardoning after his crimes to xichen? Doesn't this mean he inherently valued JGY over Mingjue, over Huaisang’s own pain and anguish? (he did, but not maliciously, lans are love blind we know this))

The tragedies of nie huaisang are inextricably linked to the tragedies of jgy and vice versa! Technically, huaisang, as a bastard of the clan leader with one of his concubines, (I think that's right) should be discounted as a noble son, esp considering his weaker nature and lack of talents dictated to be valuable by the standards of the nie clan. He should have the same status really or at least a status more closely similar to jgy who is constatly looked down on because of his mother's position and bastard status, despite his constant hyper competency, as we see so vividly. And yet Huaisang is given title and rank and (some) respect where JGY gets trodden into the mud and shit of life, even as he succeeds in raising the jin clans success through his actions and talents. Meanwhile, huaisang is thought to be a useless leech by others, untalented in the ways of ruling or anything that's deemed an actually respectable skill by clan leader standards. A pathetic little dude who doesn't know how to do anything, and yes, he does get cast as a headshaker in the eyes of the people, but it's never his background thats brought into question as to why he might be failing. It's considered a result of his personality, not his upbringing. And even then he doesn't get shit talked as much as JGY does. Huaisang has all the privilege that JGY was never afforded, and does that color JGYs view a bit? Does it make him just bitter enough that, when combined with his father’s looming threats and taunts, and Mingjue’s inability to ever let anything JGY does go, that he's willing to hurt huaisang in such a way, even just as a byproduct of his mission?

Huaisang’s plan is successful, bc people discount him as incompetent, yes, but also bc they still see him as a noble, as someone of enough inherent value, diminished though it may be, that he weilds that influence even when playing the fool. JGY doesn't get that respect even at his height of his power and competency as a ruler.

They are, neither of them, strong cultivators. But that factor only really affects JGY bc it means he has to fight even harder for acceptance and validation. Huaisang also gets the luxury of CHOOSING not to be a strong cultivator. Because his position in life IS secure, he can slack off. He is allowed to try his hardest to avoid the fate of his family and do his utmost not to cultivate in that manner. Which I think, too, causes some of the resentment. On both sides. Huaisang never has to work a day in his life, has barely any expectations to live up to and still gets the respect Meng Yao is constantly robbed of. And for huaisang- On top of killing his brother via musically-induced, full-bodied rage embolism, JGY is now also the reason that huaisang is thrust into a position he was entirely unprepared for way before he was supposed to be.

And we know, we KNOW that JGY is responsible for so many of Huaisang’s pretty little things. His beloved indulgences granted not by his own brother, but by his doting san-ge. Things that got burned or destroyed by Mingjue simplu for the fact that a) they were from JGY and B) they are not the type of things NMJ cosidereds respectabke hobbies or skills. A large number of his fans and painting supplies are gifts from JGY, and he stood up for and encouraged those hobbies against the person he probably fears the most at that point, Mingjue (even if he's already actively trying to kill him by then). And huaisang seemed genuinely pleased that JGY had found acceptance and was getting what he (thought he) wanted. The friendship and affection was real, just not near strong enough to withstand the crimes of the other.

And oh boy that divorce was rough and bloody and beautiful and tragic and I just love the messy nature of the relationship, how deep and how twisted it went and became. And i think, right up until the very end, JGY didn't truly want to believe that Huaisang was capable of doing this to him, I don't think he ever wanted to hurt huaisang again the way he had to when he killed Mingjue. Use him? Maybe. But not in a malicious way, not by his standards.

I am happy to read any sangyao content I can get, however! I love reading about them as companions on the mountain, growing together, bonding. Maybe young and in love? I love reading the gradual drifting apart. The years they schemed and used each other. The final divorce. And what comes after. Or what could never be. Any content, I will take, and it depends on where in cannon we are that a particular square is filled in.

Jgy had to fight for both acceptance and sheer survival, and huaisang never really had to do either. Except maybe during the ~10 years of the gap when Huaisang had figured him out, but was pretending to be useless to achieve his ends. You could argue the mindset that aside from just avenging his DaGe, he was also concerned about his own survival bc what if he became an Inconvienience instead of just the annoyance he was playing up to be? If he actually stood in Guanyao's way? It would be much easier to take him out than Mingjue, realistically. But what would be that threshold to have JGY actually do anything? Are Huaisang’s histrionics and uselessness useful to him? Or a result of guilty indulgence? Or left over fondness from a ti.e they were so close? Some combo of all? Who can say and I fucking love that uncertainty about them

Saying all that, these two are the poster child for OTP I don't want to end up together in Canon, lol. Unless it's one of the many time travel fix it aus, they simply have too much history and shared issues and rage between them to ever make sense working out. But their stories are so incomplete without the other, they are inexorably linked, and I just think they're neat!

(Please don't come for me cql fans. im sure I've misunderstood or posted an opinion that's utterly debatable on here. But like, also. I'm tired and I love them and I don't care.)

I have more to say about them that you'll probably get to hear at some point when we talk, but for now, they have BROKEN MY BRAIN.

Also, to all my fellow sangyao peeps: please feel free to send fic recs if you want. I am so hungry for the content.

#also do if ypu dont want to hear it do NOT ask my opinions on N*M*J* bc i have thoughts #that apparently a lot of ppl dont #and we are NOT invlusing fatal journey. a fun watch for like half the movie but also wildy out of character for everyone involved)#sangyao #cql #the untamed #meng yao #nie huaisang #I am not taking any notes on my taste level atm but thank you for fili g #also thanks to batthew for indulging me and letting me spout nonsense about my two favorite criminals in the jianghu #jin guangyao

16 notes · View notes

bratshaws · 2 years

Text

through the hourglass 96. brb x oc

a/n: aaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa anyway. good chapter.much fluff.

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: fluff, rooster being the protective husband.

goodness gracious (pls read this one to know more what this fic is about!!)

chapter

50/51/52/53/54/55/56/57/58/59/60/61/62/63/64/65/66/67/68/69/70/71/72/73/74/75/76/77/78/79/80/81/82/83/84/85/86/87/88

/89/90/91/92/93/94/95

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist! )

taglist: @mirandastuckinthe80s @roosterschanelslut @wiipes @lcahwriter @shrimping-for-all @gretagerwigsmuse @frenchtoastix

@lizzie-rdj @fanboyluvr @atarmychick007 @comebacktoearthpls

@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey @ollyoxenfrees @piceous21 @sqrlgrl22 @hofficoffi @lexhalstead3 @lorilane33 @legendarydreamersharkparty @luckyladycreator2

@emilybradshaw @j-6o @louisahale @leobabbyyy @kulicny @winter-run @ktjmac @graciereads @bigpoppajes @taytaylala12

@caitsymichelle13 @becks-things @caatheeriinee07 @dhwanishah09 @jesfreedark @katiemcrae @lilmonstrjedi @hobiismyhopeu @teacupsandtopgun @insominac23 @gh0stsgoodgirl @mygyn @chavivaelisheva

She’s still holding his hand when they get into the party, a mix of fear and excitement pumping in her veins as she looks around. Part of her feels so out of place, the fight or flight response begging her to run away but she held her ground. Her husband’s tall frame towered over pretty much every single one of her former classmates, and added that to his colorful shirt, it made the two of them stick out like a sore thumb.

Hannah, bless her, was hovering around and gently telling Beatrice where the things were and so the brunette knew how to navigate this sea of people. The redhead had to leave for a few minutes to go to the bathroom,leaving Beatrice and Rooster alone.

Beatrice also noticed that people were keeping a certain distance from them. She blinked before looking up at her husband and seeing that his eyebrows were low and his jaw clenched tight, “Roos.” she whispers softly, gently touching his chest, ‘Roos,honey, you look like you want to murder people.”

“I just might.” he grumbles, “You said most of these people bullied you right?”

Beatrice licked her lips, fearfully looking back to the people around them and immediately being hit by flashbacks of…things that happened. She saw Aaron and Joe, two of the nerds that just wanted to be part of the popular kids and managed to print those posters about her in high school.

And then her former friends.

And Hannah’s former friends.

And the football team.

Sometimes Beatrice wondered how she managed to survive to her thirties after everything. She clenches her eyes and shakes her head quietly, shaking those thoughts away, “Yes, but…well,don’t get angry like that Roos.”

“You are my wife.”

“I know,” her gaze softens, “I know,Roos. And I love that you want to protect me…it’s just…you are kind of intimidating.”

“Am I?” she nods, “Good.”

She should’ve expected that answer. Beatrice lets out a soft laugh, looking around for a bit, “Maybe we should drink something, mingle.” he grunted, clearly not desiring to mingle but accepting the drink. He let Beatrice guide him through the crowd to where the cooler was with bottles of beer sticking out of the ice.

Beatrice looks up to see that there’s a couple of guys standing close to the drinks and she tries not to freeze because they are standing right in front of the cooler. They were clearly in deep conversation and only moved when the huge shadow of Bradley Nicholas Bradshaw prevented the sunlight from hitting their skins.

Rooster just rolled his tongue inside his mouth, the two guys looking from him to Beatrice, “Oh,shit.” One of them said, “Bea,hi. We um,we were just talking, sorry about that guys. You two can enjoy the cooler.”

“Thanks.” Beatrice’s response was quiet because her brain connected the dots on their faces. Brian and…Jerry? Jeremy? Something with a J that she couldn’t really identify. There were parts of her mind that were blank, this was even more than the first time at the reunion, more parts of her memory were confused and trying to find ways to fill the void.

Rooster’s hand was a constant presence on her waist, his body partially hiding her from view as he looked around. Being so tall gave him the advantage to check if there was anyone looking weirdly at them, “Do you want some beer or soda,Roos?”

“Beer is fine.I can drink one.”

“Okay.”

He looks down when she bends a little just to grab the amber bottle, shaking a bit to get rid of the water drops clinging to its surface - even wiping some off with her jacket’s sleeve - before handing it over to him. Rooster’s eyebrows relaxed when he felt her knuckles touching his own, the cold of the bottle hovering on his skin, when he looked down he just couldn’t help the smile on his face, “Thank you,gorgeous.” he whispers, kissing her forehead.

Beatrice was so happy Rooster wasn’t shy when it came to showing affection, smiling to herself when he pulled back and popped the bottle open with the inside of his arm. His bicep was just that powerful and Beatrice couldn’t help but stare. “Oh…I didn’t know you could do that.” he arches his brow at her after wiping some of the droplets away, “With…with your arm.”

“Really?” and there it is, the boyish smirk that made her weak, “I never showed you?” she shakes her head negatively, “Old college trick, gorgeous. You don’t always have a bottle opener handy.”

“Yeah…” she didn’t want to ogle her husband while surrounded by her former classmates, but she did follow the vein that went down his bicep, “Y-Yeah,I get that.”

“You oglin’ me?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?” he smirks, bringing the bottle to his lips to take a long swig, “Are you going to drink anything?”

Beatrice looks back at the cooler then at the arrangement of drinks - orange juice, non-alcoholic sangria and even some lemonade - “Not yet.” she murmurs, holding his hand, “I’m not that thirsty.”

Maybe she just wanted to remain sober for a while longer while surrounded by those people. Beatrice chews her lower lip gently, still glued to Rooster’s side like his shadow and her husband didn’t seem to mind.

In fact, he preferred it.

He noticed a lot of her former classmates looking over, some even in fear - he tried to hold back the pleased grin when he thought about it - when they noticed the two. “We should mingle,Roos.” she repeats, quietly, “Maybe I can…I don’t know,talk to my old teachers.”

Her husband’s eyes flick downwards, then back up, searching for the people she suggested, “Okay, who was your favorite?”

“...Mrs.Zhao.” she muttered, looking around just like he did, “She was my history teacher, but I’m not seeing her here.”

“Anyone else?”

“Ummm…” she shrugs with a soft laugh, “Mr.Thorpe who was my arts teacher and maybe Mrs.Gauille…but I don’t see them either.” oh joy, her luck is never ending. Beatrice felt safe because she was with Rooster, but if there was one thing she desired was seeing at least one of her favorite teachers there. She’d never really dislike the staff from the school, but she didn’t…remember much of what they did.

She looked around for a while longer, finally stopping when she sees Lydia and Thomas…and her eyes widen when she notices who Lydia is talking to. Her former bullies…but that didn’t mean anything,right? It was just…maybe she hadn’t seen them in a while and was just trying to-

“Beatrice?”

Both Beatrice and Rooster slowly turned around to face whoever was that spoke to the brunette. She shouldn’t be surprised when she noticed it was Rooney and her husband, a guy who looked like he should make Silicon Valley his own personal resort, with the open beige suit and overly tight pants, not even looking up from his phone when Rooney was there. “Oh…hi Rooney.” she mumbled, giving her a small smile, still remembering the last time they talked wasn’t…the greatest.

“Hi,um,” the other woman looked up at Rooster, to his very unimpressed face, “Is this your boyfriend?”

“Husband.” he corrects her, holding his ring finger up and making sure she saw it, “Actually.”

“Oh, you got married?”

“I did, yeah, last year.” Beatrice murmured, already seeing in the other woman’s eyes the confusion as to why she wasn’t invited to the wedding. She couldn’t see the other two close by, but they were there. She knew they were.

“Oh, and um, you are a pilot,right?” That made her husband look from his phone, finally, and almost jump back when she noticed the wall of solid muscle in front of him, gulping quietly.

“Yep, that’s me.” Rooster’s hand on her waist only tightened its hold, bringing her closer to his side so she’d feel comfortable. From what he remembered Beatrice telling him, she was the one who asked about anyone who’d be up for an open relationship of some sort, one of the guys only for Bea to shut her down quickly saying that no one would be interested.

It shouldn’t be so funny and yet it was.

“Oh, how cool, my husband is an entrepreneur.” Both him and Bea expected her to add something else to the title but…that was it. Beatrice smiles awkwardly looking over at the man who just kept pulling out his phone and appearing busy…but Rooster’s height gave him the advantage to see that he was just messing with his title screen and not really talking to anyone else.

Yikes.

“That’s nice.” Bea says quietly, “And…he’s really busy I take it.” Rooster clears his throat quietly while drinking the beer, looking towards the opposite side of the area where the barbecue was going on because he was trying so hard not to spill the beans yet.

“Oh yes, he’s very busy- oh, you know what we should do?” Rooney’s hand on Beatrice’s arm made the other woman flinch and Rooster’s head immediately snapped towards the touch, “We should all hang out sometime! Like in the old days!”

“Oh,ah, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We have a baby now so-”

“Wait a baby?” it was Megan’s voice that gasped it, with her hand on her heart, “Oh my goodness! Where is it? Did you bring the baby?”

“Um,no, she’s with Bradley’s great-uncle.” Beatrice says, “...I don’t think bringing her over was a good idea.”

“Oh,how old is she?”

“She just turned five months old.” and Beatrice didn’t expect the two women to look up and down her body, almost analyzing it too much for their liking. Beatrice tried to not appear uncomfortable, but she did step closer to Rooster who in turn just brushed his thumb on her ribs to ease her anxiety.

“You look…amazing for someone who just had a baby.” Megan said, “I mean, when I had my baby?I thought Phil was going to divorce me! Did you had any diets? Any surgeries done?”

“...no?”

“Oh, no way.” Rooney laughs, “You are saying you lost it by yourself?”

“...yes?”

Both women blinked towards their former friend, a mix of…something in their eyes that only made Beatrice look at them in confusion. Were they…jealous? No,right? No, there was no way, “...I mean you look amazing.” Megan added after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, “You still look the same.” Beatrice furrows her brows, “I mean, from the last time we saw you. But hey, kids do add that to you right? But anyway, is she a noisy baby? I know mine is.”

“Um,no Nicole is actually really calm.” she looks over at Rooster with a smile, “Rarely cries at night, sleeps like a dream, she gives us absolutely no trouble.” and now Beatrice could see that the mix of things in their eyes were jealousy and astonishment.

Megan inhaled sharply, her smile not reaching her eyes, “Oh but it must be hard for you two to have alone time, no? With such a young baby. I know it was hard for me and Phil.”

And it was Bradley who replies, “Nah.” he smirks, “We make do, don’t we gorgeous?” she heard Rooney turn to her husband and whisper ‘you never call me gorgeous, Frank’ and her husband just ignored her. Beatrice felt a bit bad that she had no other reaction to her former friends’ commentary, they were throwing jabs at her and maybe even trying to see if something would make her crack but Beatrice was happy to hold her ground.

“We do,Roos.” she smiles with hearts in her eyes.

“Wow…um…” Megan blinks, “You two are…how long have you been together?”

“Well, adding to the time we dated about…four years now?” he nods, “Yeah, four years. It’s been great. He’s wonderful.” he chuckles, rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses, “Yes you are, don’t deny it.”

“I’m not denying it,pretty girl.” she knew Rooster threw the compliments at her any time of the day but there was something in his voice that only made her smile more, like he wanted her former classmates to know that he felt like that towards her. And it was working considering her former friends were just staring wide eyed and slack jawed.

High School Beatrice clearly appreciated that, she needed that relief from him. “Well,it’s been a wonderful ride. I couldn’t have asked for anyone else…but um, yeah, it’s been great. Motherhood was a bit hard but there was nothing we couldn’t handle.”

“So you are military.” Rooney’s husband suddenly speaks, gesturing to Rooster with his phone.

The pilot just arched his brow, “Navy, yeah.”

“So,” the other man tents his hands in front of his lips, “So you see a lot of shit,right? You know,I was a recruit in the Navy many moons ago but I never joined because I guess it wasn’t my calling.” something about the way this man spoke felt like a scammer “But how do you guys do it? I mean you leave the country,right? How does it work?”

“How what works?” Rooster asks, holding the half empty beer bottle in his hand.

“Well,everything, listen I am an entrepreneur and-” honestly Rooster dissociated the second this man opened his mouth,something about crypto and how veterans needed more help and…something about personal life that Rooster didn’t care about. In fact he just blinked, with Beatrice looking from him to Rooney’s husband to her own, furrowing her brows because she could see Rooster’s eyes behind the sunglasses were just blank.

And she bit her lips hard to hold back her laughter.

“Anyway, “ the short man smirks, “What do you think?”

Rooster thinks about it for a moment, then shrugs, ‘I dunno, if it works for you that’s fine.” Beatrice coughed to hide her laughter, looking back around the area to hopefully hold back her snickers even if her husband was smirking himself, “Not my thing though.” and Rooney’s husband deflated, even opening his mouth to continue but Rooster didn’t seem interested.

In fact,he turned to look down at Beatrice, “Hungry?”

“A little.” she smiles, looking back at the person on the barbecue, it was Thomas, “Do you want to snack on something?”

His pupils dilated behind his shades, even if she couldn’t see it, the corner of his mouth lifting just enough, “I do.” he purrs, ‘But I want to eat something first.”

And that bold flirting made her blush and the two women in front of her stare wide eyed. Beatrice breathes out a soft laugh, looking at her hands, “I..I’m going to the bathroom real quick, so um-”

“I can get you something, don’t worry, gorgeous.”

Beatrice smiles, leaning up to kiss his lips sweetly before she walks around her former friends towards the bathroom…trying her hardest to not skip her way over. She bites her lower lip with a smile, shuffling towards the inside of the house - greeting those she hadn’t before - with her cheeks so red they looked like ripe tomatoes.

Once she closed herself in the bathroom she cupped her hands around her mouth and squealed happily, even crouching next to the sink with a sudden fit of happy giggles. She was so happy, “God, thank you,thank you for giving me Rooster.” she whispered to the ceiling, “Thank you,thank you,thank you,thank you!”

High school Beatrice was tending her wounds finally and she was doing it with a smile.

Meanwhile,Rooster made his way over to Thomas who just smiles at him, “Rooster.”

“Anaheim.” the two pilots shake hands and the sandy haired man looks down at the grill, “What do we get so far?”

“Burgers, some steaks, chicken. What tickles your fancy? We even have some shrimp and fish if you want.”

Bradley purses his lips in thought, then rubs his chin, “My wife likes chicken and shrimp, so you can get me some of those.” he says,looking back to where he left Beatrice’s ‘friends’ standing. He was honestly glad to have this break because those people were - for the lack of better word - rough. Maybe it was because of what Beatrice told him, but he really didn’t like them, at all.

“Ah,Beatrice,right?” Anaheim asks as he plates everything for him, “Her and Lydia were classmates.”

“Yea?”

“Lydia really holds Bea in a high regard.” Rooster blinks, tilting his head a bit, ‘I don’t think your wife even remembers how much she helped Lydia.”

Oh.

Oh she really didn’t because Beatrice had no idea who Lydia was until they talked weeks ago. He tried to cover up his surprise by chewing his lower lip and furrowing his brows, “Really?” Anaheim nods, “How so?”

“Ah…well,I don’t think it’s my place.” he chuckles, “I mean, Lily wants to talk to Beatrice about it, but…what I can say is that if it wasn’t for your wife,” he hands him the plate, “I’d never meet mine.”

And Rooster just looked at Anaheim with a confused tilt of his head, opening his mouth only to close it soon after. He…had no idea about something like that, Beatrice never mentioned it…and now he had to wait for her return to ask her about it.

#bradley rooster bradshaw #rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x oc #top gun maverick #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw x female reader #bradley bradshaw x named reader #tgm oc #tgm fic #tgm fanfiction

69 notes · View notes

karliahs · 2 months

Note

1 & 10 & 22 !!

from the weird writer questions asks

ty anon!!!

What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

i have never once changed the font from whatever the default is, so currently i write in (checks google docs) arial

i do always think that i should try the comic sans trick next time i am stuck. and then never remember that exists when i am actually stuck

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

oh man. all the time.

for other people's writing: my primary hauntings are sadie by courtney summers and idaho by emily ruskovich. i kind of don't want to even say anymore bc i think everyone should read those books while knowing as little as possible about them (minus content warnings bc there are some extremely heavy ones). if you're not gonna read them: the fates of some characters are left ambiguous in both, and both absolutely haunt me. i think about them all the time

i am definitely haunted by other people's fics also. scenes/lines will become part of how i think about that character and will play on repeat when i am walking around listening to music having my character thoughts

with my own writing: also big yes!! some fics haunt me as i am writing them. sometimes scenes are so vivid it feels like they are writing themselves inside my head. ten of swords felt so much like a haunting. i was mentally writing it as i was falling asleep and then i woke up in the middle of the night and it truly just carried on as though nothing had happened.

things i've written can also haunt me after they are written. i reread my own fics a lot and sometimes i get kind of...stuck...on a particular work. there were weeks when i read the same fic like....10 times? at least? sometimes specific paragraphs even. there was a period where i just kept rereading this one bit of repeat:

Don’t tell him that you’re tired too – not of him, not from lack of sleep, just bone-deep tired of every good thing being so fragile and temporary. Tired of running on a wheel every day, every day, and knowing you can lose these kids anyway. Suspect that he’s noticed anyway, since he’s visibly trying to find a non-impertinent way to ask if you’re alright. Every year they’re kinder and more breakable.

i think it happens when there is something buried in a thing i've written that i don't fully understand yet. or don't understand why it's hitting me the way it is.

i like it. i'm in favour of being haunted

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

ha. not organised at all. it's me and 50 google docs against the world. which is mostly fine because i don't write particularly long things, or have long projects to keep track of.

about the only organisational things i do are putting a . at the front of file names if that fic posted to help me mentally skip past it in the list, and putting the fandom in square brackets at the beginning...sometimes. very inconsistently. it's most useful for fandoms where i'm not currently writing for them, so again it's helpful to mentally skip over those

it's funny bc i worked admin for a long time so one of my like work skills is organisation, and i think that makes me less inclined to do that with hobby stuff. being organised is for when i am being paid to do it

#asks #ty for the questions anon!!

4 notes · View notes

racfoam · 2 years

Note

Now that you have answered my curiosity of how you depict Voldemort I’m really curious on how you see Tom Riddle 😩 me personally I’ve always loved how he was from chamber of secrets, played by Christain Coulsons. But I’ve read so many fics and noticed that everyone has their own idea of how you looked, so now I’m very curious on how you imagine him.

Peace <3

Honestly, Coulson slays as Tom Riddle. He’s perfectly cast as Tom and he has all of it down pat. Just a perfect Tom. I think they wasted a great opportunity to have him in Half-Blood Prince flashbacks from the books, really. I think he can play Tom all until the DADA interview. Yeah, so for Tom, Christian Coulson all the way, perfectly cast.

Though, I need to add this one out of responsibility because this fanart of Tom is also pretty accurate to his book description in Hogwarts Era, even though personally I imagine Coulson.

Now, if you are asking about an older Tom, that's where it gets tricky. (We were robbed in Half-Blood Prince, I tell you. ROBBED.)

Flayu is an amazing artist, I always keep bumping into their work when searching for Tom. Here is Tom by Flayu, and I think this would be very good for Locket! Tom. I think he is the handsomest of the Horcruxes, the "most handsome than he has ever been" Tom when he went to visit Hepzibah. Though he is missing his "longer hair" here but his facial structure is very accurate. This is a young man, not a teenager.

Then again, it’s really subjective regarding Horcruxes and their forms. I like the thought of slicked-back hair Tom because it's one of the 'gentlemanly' hairstyles I believe, but enough for him to stand out among the crowd and not have a side-part like most men in the 50s. I'm really no expert on Tom unfortunately, but these are my takes.

Plus, I consider the Locket and the Diadem among the dangerous ones. Danger zone would go 1. Locket 2. Diadem 3. Diary.

And again, I am sending you to @leafiloaf and @nv-tumb because they do a killer job of drawing Tom in their illustrations, too! He's gorgeous in both! And @pixennonart has some great drawings of Tom, as well, theirs is also pretty accurate to how I imagine Tom in his 30s. Also, @longdaytogo has illustrated Tom (both Hogwarts era and adult with Nagini) and their illustration made me go "oh, that's what the craze is all about" and made me go "oh, I get it. Totally get it now. I too, would tell him all my dark secrets and whatever he wants. Completely understandable, nobody stood a chance."

Addition: Tom Hughes! (it's a hit or miss and completely depends on people’s preferences, really)

Coulson would have killed the role in HBP, and I will never be over the fact we got stupid teenage drama bs instead of Lord Voldemort's past, the Gaunts, Hepzibah, and more insight into the Riddle Murder. The content was right there. Gosh, thank God for fanfic. Idk who made the decision to skip those scenes (literally what the book is all about), but I'd fire them on the spot for suggesting to skip those scenes. They'd be flying out of the studio doors.

Thank you for the ask. Sending love ❤️

#asks

45 notes · View notes

alwayslovingharry · 2 years

Text

With You All The Time

A/N: Hi, yes I'm aware that I've disappeared again for another month, but I've had some family problems, I've started university and I've been very distracted from writing, although I have been reading and reblogging stuff on Tumblr.

But the other day I went to see DWD and I loved it. The movie is beautiful and it's not as bad as the reviews make it out to be, Florence was perfect and Harry was great. Before I saw it, I had my own theories about what would happen and… I was a little bit wrong. Based on my theories and the movie I've spent this afternoon writing a… DWD fix-fic? I don't know if anyone will like it but I thought it might appeal to someone looking for a more romantic ending, although I'm also leaving it very open in this story (maybe a part 2? depends on how you treat it…).

About my other stories? Even I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying to balance my day to day life a bit at the moment and I don't have a definite writing schedule. I let things flow, so I'd rather not make any promises…

Now I hope you like it and… I don't know if you'll be interested in a second part or something. As always, you are free to comment, like and reblog.

PAIRING: Jack Chambers (Harry Styles) x Alice Warren (Florence Pugh)

WORD COUNT: 1.4k

WARNING: Obviously, spoilers for Don't Worry Darling, if you haven't seen the movie and don't want any spoilers please don't continue, or take the consequences of doing it…there may also be a little angst and a little swearing, but nothing out of the ordinary.

SUMMARY: Hearing Jack humming the song that was in her head has made Alice remember everything…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"AHH..." you fall to the ground, your head spinning as all the memories come flooding back as you hear Jack humming.

You and Jack walking out of the cinema, walking holding each other down that alleyway to the parking where you had parked your car. You remember the prick in your arm, the thud against the ground as you fall, the screams of Jack and the other men, their hands on your body...the silence in the dark.

"Alice?"

"No!" you scream "Don't!"

Chills run through your body and tears run down your cheeks. You hear Jack's hurried footsteps coming from the hall, your head spins and feels like it's going to explode. You can't help but groan in pain.

"It's okay. Alice, you're having another episode. Just take a deep breath." he keeps talking to you, his voice getting closer and closer. "It's okay. Just breathe, Alice."

You remember how they changed your clothes and laid you down on a bed, how they strapped you to it and put you on all those IVs and monitors. And finally the device they put on your eyes, how uncomfortable it was until...you saw Jack again but on a train to Boston in the 50s.

"That's good. Just breathe" he says as he sees your breathing relaxing "That's good."

You want to scream, hit something, cry...and seeing Jack in front of you doesn't help calm you down when you finally turn to see him.

"What did you do?" his face completely changes expression, turning serious and confirming to you that he knows what's going on.

You stare at each other for a few seconds, before he tries to approach you. You stand up quickly and turn around the kitchen island to avoid him.

"Alice, please, just stay calm." you rest your hands on the fridge, feeling dizzy and your head can't help but try to connect everything that has happened to you and what you've seen. "It's going to be okay, I can explain."

"What the fuck is going on?"

"Look at me, you're my wife. I love you."

"What the hell is going on."

"I love you." he says again and you finally decide to answer him, because if he really loved you this wouldn't be happening.

"Oh no, no. No. You can't say that, you don't love me." you say as you walk out of the kitchen, away from him.

"Don't do that. Don't do that. Just think!" he chases after you as you keep repeating that he doesn't love you." Think about your life and what you actually want."

You stop to look at him and he stands a couple of steps away from you, also looking at you. You can't believe he's done this, it's Jack, the guy who always said he was going to take care of you. Not some crazy guy who would put you in a place like this and treat you like you were just a doll to him.

"You're a psycho. I had a life, you took my life." for a moment you think he's going to argue with you, but he stands still looking at you. "You made me feel like I was crazy...I came to you and you made me think I was fucking crazy."

"Alice, I'm so sorry" he kneels down in front of you and you look away, you can't look at him. "But they told me they would hurt you, I did all this so you'd be okay."

"You put me in here, you let them put me in here and then you let them treat me like I was crazy, you treated me like I was crazy and you let them hurt me, Jack." you stand in silence until you hear Jack sniffle and you turn to look at him, he's crying like you've never seen him and you wish you could hug him, but you can't bring yourself to fall.

"I'm so fucking sorry, you're right, this is all my fault, everything they've done to you is my fault." he sobs. "I couldn't find any work and I just wanted to find a way for you to stop taking the extra hours at the hospital, and I found that podcast and...it's all my fault."

You know you shouldn't do this, that a moment ago you didn't want to be around him, but seeing him so vulnerable and so broken hurts. It's Jack, you know he loves you, that he would do anything for you. You sigh before you move closer to him and let him hug your waist as he hides his head in your stomach.

"I just sent them an email asking for more information about the programme, I swear I didn't do anything else. "He says against your dress. "I listened to the podcast and it seemed like it might be a good idea, I just wanted you to stop working your ass off for both of us, I wanted to take care of you. "

What he says disorients you, you thought Jack was to blame for you being here, but from what he says it doesn't add up. You bring your hands to his hair, the little curls he has in this reality feel much softer than his usual straight hair. He lifts his head from your dress, revealing his red eyes. A tear falls down his cheek and you move a hand away from his hair to wipe it away, leaving that hand on his cheek.

"I want you to tell me the whole truth, what this place is, what happened and why we are here," you say quietly and he nods.

"It's a virtual reality that Frank and his wife have invented where anyone who wants to can live an ideal life," he begins. "I found a podcast where they explained that this place could be a second chance, but they didn't give many details about how the programme worked, so I wrote to them."

He looks at you so sincerely that you can't help but believe him.

"It had been a month and I thought they would never get back to me, so I forgot about it. The day of the cinema, when they drugged you and forced me to go with them I was so scared, I thought they were going to kill us until Frank showed up and explained to me that they needed a couple to test the invention for the first time. He told me that they had been watching us and that we looked like the perfect couple, when he explained how it all worked I told him that you wouldn't think it was a good idea and that I was rejecting his proposal...but he told me that if I didn't agree to do it, they would hurt you...Alice, I'm so sorry I got you into this."

He rests his head on your stomach again and you place your hands in his hair again, tugging on it lightly.

"So you let them put me in here."

"I just wanted to protect you." he whispers back. "And you seemed happy until you started to suspect everything."

"Until you started treating me like a crazy person."

"I never wanted you to feel like you were crazy." he lifts his head again and you drop your arms, taking your hands out of his hair.

"You let them take me to a place where they gave me electroshocks because they said I was crazy, even I thought I really was. "

"Frank told me it was that or they'd kill you, I had no choice."

And with that you burst into tears, turning away as you bring your hands to your face to cover your sobs. You stop feeling Harry's arms around your waist for a few seconds before you notice how he hugs your shoulders behind your back, resting his head in the hollow between your neck and shoulder.

"You mean everything to me, you're my whole life and I love you, I'd do anything for you. You know that?" he whispers in your ear and you nod slowly." I don't want you to push me away, I don't want you to leave me, I want you to be happy."

Without pulling away from his embrace, you turn, your faces just inches apart. "I love you but I want to go back, I want to go home, I want to have the life we had before."

He looks at you for a few seconds before bringing his thumb to your lips, caressing them as he usually does, smiling at the same time.

"I love you and if that's what you want I'll do everything I can to get us out of here," you immediately place your arms around his shoulders and hug him, burying your head in his chest. "Let me take care of it. Don't worry, darling."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it, please leave any comments or leave a like it if you enjoyed it.

See you soon :)

#harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry #harry styles one shot #styles #florence pugh #dwd movie #dwd spoilers #dont worry darling #jack chambers #alice chambers #jack x alice

96 notes · View notes

swamp-gremlin · 5 months

Text

My Old Nick hc's, interpretation, analysis, and other odd bits PT.1

Part 2

This is long overdue but I feel I oughta get something out of the way. I've had a incredibly aggressive special interest in him for like 3-5ish years and at some point in writing hc's I just started making shit up(I mean isn't that just hc's are?) because I really just took a guy with a whopping 14 lines of dialogue and just started sprinting.

I'm choosing to actually leave a few things out as I wish to explore those ideas more in This isn't over Jack, Ill probably swing back around to this after I wrap that up. In the mean time if you wanna swap ideas I'm down(please please please pleaseplea)

Turns out I hit text limit with this oh my lord, ill post pt2 tomorrow, i'm sorry

Can't think of anything particularly triggering in this but i'll warn it gets just kinda bleak

Human turned Fae- I will not elaborate, this will be explained later...

would actually break your legs if you called him a fairy

I've never actually pinned down any specific powers for him for some reason? like i just cant think of like any that i could write/ illustrate that wouldn't feel too gauche... So I just kinda nebulously imaged so weird fae-fuckery type of magic- though I think the most compelling interpretation of his powers was in Scouts Australian Christmas (pls go read it, its a really good fic)

Gay, but I cant imagine he's like particularly out about it; like its a iykyk sorta think because I definitely feel there probably some shame or internalized homophobia there (smth smth homophobic senator caught in a gay bar joke)

Autistic, but most definitely not diagnosed- he would become absolute incensed if you suggested it, like "There is nothing wrong with me, I am normal" but you can tell that he knows there's something "wrong with him" but he has no idea what and is incredibly afraid of even attempting to confront that

Can't imagine there's a moment where he's not masking, he doesn't understand his own limits and will keep doing things until he quite literally can't anymore

Probably has some ~effeminate~ interest he's deeply embarrassed by, but like in all reality its very normal and even if it was thats not a bad thing, he just makes it a big deal for no reason

STRADDLING the line between infodumping and mansplaining

Could be genuinely into a topic but he's just so condescending about it

High functioning alcoholic, kinda in that 50s/ rich way but it's very obvious he has a problem but everyone always brushes it off as "thats just how he is/ things are"

Nick could honestly just be summed up in his impact as a *a systematic bad thing happens again and again* "thats just how things are, get over it" sorta thing or a "Heart warming: student raises funds to prevent orphans from being sent to orphan grinder" and then no-one questions why the orphan grinder exists in the first place

He has been meticulously constructing his public image/ brand as "Old Nick"/ "The Spirit of Australian Christmas"

He is a liar, but he's a very good liar

His accent is fake, his laugh is fake, his public lore is fake and he's not even Australian he's British! (Which is arguably worst thing he has done)

He's basically been voice training to keep up a modern australian accent for years now, but his real accent is more of that 1700s british (which actually sounds different from modern a modern britsh accent) but sometimes he's has moments and his accent slips (mostly when he's yelling)

Has practiced his evil villain laugh so hard, like its a good villain laugh but if you listen hard you can tell its not real

Genuinely so fucking embarrassed by his actual laugh which i can only describe as if a goose that has been smoking a pack a day was being strangled to death

I kinda go back an forth on Nicks upbringing sometimes, because I kinda feel I went the kinda overplayed sorta tragic backstory; but also growing up in 1700s England was probably not fun if you weren't rich and also have you ever met a miserable boomer who does the whole "kids these days are too damn soft back when I was a kid *recounts an incredibly traumatizing event*!" Thing? Yeah he probably does that a lot and it makes everyone kinda uncomfortable

Maybe orphaned? Probably had brothers because he has strong younger brother "your oppressing me by giving me a task" energy (btw this relates to a super stupid hc that im not gonna share because its incredibly dumb)

Expressed a lot of attention seeking behavior from a young age, would purposefully get into trouble so someone would notice him

This behavior followed him into adult life and it would just keep getting worst and worst, like getting into bar fights that he would definitely lose and petty crime

Eventually he just kept ramping up the severity of his crimes till he actually had a warrant/ bounty placed for his arrest

To avoid getting arrested he became a sailor in his late 20s and jumped between ships and trades up until his 50s/60s

Eventually he was arrested and then get shipped off to Australia

After a few months he stuck there he was like "actually, fuck this" and started plotting an escape

He stole a boat and with his previous knowledge from being a sailor he was so full of himself he thought he did single-handedly sail and navigate back Britain or a British sympathetic colony and then lay low for the rest of his life

Of course he didn't happen and due to the fact he is stupid he got stranded in antarctic and the rest is history

If you wanna know how we got from "random crusty criminal" to "Spirit of Australian Christmas" you have to stick around for my shit ass comic and videos fucker

anyway where was i, Nick proceeded to twists that into "Yeah i totally meant to do discover antarctic, even though i was a 1780s peasant who would have not have even known that antarctic was even thing" he kinda sorta dropped the rest of it and made up more shit Homelander style

I don't believe that Nick was like well off in anyway when he was still mortal, and despite being just bludgeoned over the head with the effects of classism and a nightmare capitalist hell society he developed this horrible idolization of the rich and developed this almost "by your bootstraps" mentality but with like the brutality rich bushiness owners would treat there workers, where he though if he became horrible and ruthless he could trample and climb on the backs of his fellow men till he made it to that oh so coveted high society life.

probably doesn't help he would do absolutely anything for money either

and the thing is he made it, he's just unfathomably rich(that is till all those gambling debts catch up to him...) he got what he wanted, he got he's gotten all the money and attention he could have wanted... and yet he's miserable, nothing will ever be enough for him.

Throw back motif that's still my favorite- "decaying luxury". Nick is like obviously rich as fuck and yet just refuses to fix anything, like his sweater has so many little holes in it he just stopped bothering to fix, he's patched his pants so many times, stairs worn down to the point the rug is thread bear and the wood is dented, intricate arsenic and lead laced wallpaper that's now water damaged and peeling, his favorite chair's seams are ripped, and the stuffing and springs are just compressed and flat to the point its not even comfortable to sit in anymore. Like he can fix it, he has the money, and yet he just won't for some reason.

Oh speaking of arsenic and lead- mans is just absolutely FULL of lead, arsenic, asbestos, any other harmful thing the Victorians where just absolutely HUFFING

tangent on a tangent, i really associate him with the Victorian era despite him being born in the 1700s, maybe its the child labor, maybe its the stupid chops, he just looks like he should be in super tall neck-line and doing coke for a headache

Nick is just both incredibly self absorbed but also so fucking insecure, like very big insecure man makes his problems everyone else's problem and take his out on other people to feel better about himself energy

He's just so vain too, like i image he's just obsessed with himself and his image, probably doesn't help he's quite literately has been decomposing for like the last two centuries (IT WILL BE EXPLAINED WHY LATER I PROMMY) so he just has this like incredibly extensive Patrick Bateman ass self-care routine so he doesn't get moldy

#hey have you ever wanted to listen to the ramblings of a fucking mad man? here you go bc god does writing this out make me sound crazy #i did not expect to hit char limit with this dear god...#and for a guy that hasn't been relevant since 2011 #im genuinely so nervous to post this bc this is just so much but this is what its like in my head 24/7 i have to live like this #tf2 #tf2 headcanons #tf2 old nick #from the mouth of madness #old nick tf2

4 notes · View notes

mari-novak · 11 months

Text

Masterlist - Star Wars

Charting the Stars

Complete - 145,389 words - 12/12 Chapters - Rated M My personal rating of this is an 8/10, which is about as high as I'm wiling to go for my own writing. This is my baby, my pride and joy. I will warn that it deals with the topic of child abuse, but it is largely implied. More details can be found in the tags and the warnings preceding every chapter. Summary: An AU where Darth Vader found out he had a son, intercepted Obi-Wan on his way to Tatooine, and took Luke. To keep him safe from the Emperor, he hid him away on Arvala-7, where years later Din Djarin would land to collect a bounty on a 50-year-old child. Having never seen the galaxy except for what was visible from his singular window, Luke decides to go with the Mandalorian when he leaves.

New Beginnings

Complete - 26,399 words - 4/4 chapters - Rated T I give this one a 6.5/10, people seemed to really enjoy it based on the comments and kudos to hits ratio, but I feel like I really put the fast in fast burn. I wish I had taken more time to flesh things out a bit more. Summary: In which Din fosters Grogu and has to begin taking him to church due to a request from his birth parents' will. Luke is the priest at said church.

A Dying Star

In drafts - Expected ~75k words - 0/8 chapters - Rated M I don't have a score for this one yet, but I'll give a bit more detail of what to expect from it; it is set to follow Leia's journey of becoming a Jedi, similar to Luke's in canon, but with significant differences. Most of these changes are brought on by the fact that Obi-Wan survives rescuing her on the Death Star, and her being consumed by grief and rage at the destruction of Alderaan. While she does have a romantic interest in Han, the larger focus is on the bond she has with Obi-Wan and her own emotional development. Summary: After Luke is taken by Vader as a baby on his way to Tatooine, Obi-Wan must instead turn his efforts toward Alderaan, to a new hope. This is a prequel to Charting the Stars, but can stand on its own. The fics can be read in any order.

Exhale

Complete - 8,551 words - One chapter - Rated M I would give this one an 8/10, I was really excited to write this little one-shot. It was the first time I had a beta reader as well, so I was very happy with the quality of the end result. It is going to be part of a series of one-shots about different clones directly after Order 66 went out and is canon compliant. This one focuses on Cody and has some implied Codywan, but nothing overt. Summary: The occupation of Kashyyk had watered the seeds of doubt that had been planted minutes after Order 66, and seeing his brothers change the way they had convinced Cody entirely of something being wrong. So when night fell two days after the mission with Crosshair on Desix, he simply got up and left.

#my fic #fanfic #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #ao3 link #masterlist #dinluke #star wars fanfiction #star wars #codywan #cc 2224 #tcw #swtcw #cody star wars

3 notes · View notes

ikiracake · 2 years

Text

Super self-indulgent Star Wars: Clone Wars AU idea that I’ll probably never write but I need to get it out of my brain before it eats its way out (full disclosure I’ve never seen a single episode of SW:TCW I just read way too much fic):

It starts out when Cody, frustrated with finding Obi-Wan’s lightsaber on the battlefield again, decides that if he’s going to be hanging onto the stupid thing 50% of the time anyways, he might as well learn how to use it. But he also knows that his brothers are assholes, and if they see him trying to train himself to fight with a lightsaber, they’ll never let him hear the end of it. So he trains in secret, so no one can bother him.

Enter Anakin, fresh off of another argument with Obi-Wan and looking to blow off some steam. He for some reason decides to find a training room on Obi-Wan’s ship rather than return to his own, and in his search to find somewhere where Obi-Wan can’t find him and lecture him more, he stumbles upon Cody. The two freeze, and share a super awkward stare-down.

But then Anakin surprises them both when instead of making some sort of comment on what Cody’s doing, he points out a mistake in Cody’s stance. Cody, bewildered, corrects himself, and somehow he finds himself going through a lightsaber training session with Anakin Skywalker as his teacher. By the end of the session, both men are still a little awkward, but they both found they worked well together, so when Anakin tentatively offers to teach Cody more later, Cody agrees.

Thus begins a rather strange partnership. Cody asks Anakin early on not to tell anyone about what they’re doing, and Anakin figures what’s one more secret to keep from his old master. But pretty soon it becomes clear that Cody’s preferred form is Soresu, because that’s what he’s most familiar with, and he just naturally picked up so much from watching Obi-Wan that it doesn’t make any sense to switch gears now and try to teach him a different form. Only, Anakin’s Soresu is terrible, and he’s really struggling to teach Cody the form. But because he’s starting to grow attached to Cody as his secret student, he decides he’s going to have to swallow his pride and go to the Soresu expert for help. Obi-Wan is baffled, but pleased, when Anakin approaches him out of the blue and asks him to help Anakin become better with Soresu. Over the course of their training, Anakin and Obi-Wan start to bond again, several of the wedges that Palpatine had subtly placed between them coming loose now that they’re interacting more in a less stressful environment. And Anakin turns around and passes on what he’s learned to Cody, who is blossoming as his student.

Everything is going smoothly, until one day during training, Anakin finally realizes that they’ve hit the point in Cody’s studies that a non-Force sensitive should not be able to keep up anymore. Cody is doing flips and dodges and moves that can’t be explained by the standard clones’ better-than-average reflexes. Anakin briefly stumbles, feeling like he’s been hit upside the head by a tank, because holy shit Cody’s Force sensitive.

What happens next is a miscommunication of epic proportions, where Cody and Anakin end up having two completely different conversations with each other.

What is actually said, is this:

Anakin, right after Cody has done a Force-assisted flip: Kriffing hells, you’re using the Force!

Cody: Ha, ha, very funny sir. Everyone knows that clones aren’t force sensitive.

Anakin: Well that’s clearly a lie.

Cody: Sir, the long-necks would definitely have caught something like that, I can assure you. It must be just your good teaching.

Anakin:...wait. Does that make you my Padawan?

Cody: Sure.

What Cody believes is happening is this: Anakin is joking around, teasing him like he usually jokes around and teases Rex. He has grown a bit fond of General Kenobi’s former student now that they’re getting to know each other, and is secretly kind of pleased to be treated like one of Skywalker’s friends. It’s all just a big joke.

What Anakin believes is happening is this: Cody is well aware he’s force sensitive, but has to hide it because he’s scared that he’ll be decommissioned or removed from service if anyone knew. In Anakin’s mind, this explains his desire for their lessons to be secret. But if Cody is force-sensitive, and Anakin is training him, then logically Cody is actually his Padawan. He doesn’t pick up on Cody’s sarcasm, and believes that Cody has accepted him as his master. He’s also missing Ahsoka fiercely, given her recent departure, and that affects his understanding of the situation.

Now Anakin is even more stressed out because oh shit he just adopted another spontaneous padawan, only this time he has to keep him a secret. He desperately wants to go to Obi-Wan for help, but he promised Cody not to tell, so he can’t go that route. He also knows he needs to register his new padawan with the order to make it all official, but how to do that without revealing who it is and potentially exposing Cody to danger?

He ends up going to Yoda, and tries to vaguely explain the situation without actually explaining anything. Yoda either knows exactly what’s going on down to who Anakin’s new padawan is, or he has no idea at all, but either way he’s a massive Troll in it for the laughs, so he basically just hands over his datapad with the login info already put in so that Anakin can register Cody as his padawan without telling anyone. Cody is officially now a member of the Jedi Order, and has no idea.

After this, shenanigans ensue as Anakin gets more and more stressed out about hiding not only a secret wife, but now a secret padawan who he still needs to train and keep alive despite the fact that they’re in completely different battalions and not always together. Ironically, this new stress actually helps him to cling more strongly to the light; now that he has a clone as a padawan, he’s more cognizant of his men’s lives, and he learns caution in battle, leaving behind his more reckless plans because now he needs to take care of his padawan’s brothers. He also continues his Soresu lessons with Obi-Wan and the first time the form ends up saving his life and the lives of others in battle, he buys Obi-Wan a big mug with “world’s best master” printed on it. He’s too busy trying to juggle all of his responsibilities to visit with Palpatine, and Palpatine starts to lose his influence over Anakin’s mind.

Eventually the whole charade blows up in typical Skywalker fashion - it comes out that Cody is, in fact, force sensitive (the only reason Cody hasn’t actually caught on at this point is that a) Anakin’s training tends to be less traditional and is heavily influenced by war jargon, so the lack of familiar Jedi teaching methods threw Cody off a bit, and b) he’s already stressed out enough about being the Marshal Commander of like a third of the GAR and trying to keep Obi-Wan’s ass alive, he is going to remain blissfully ignorant of any other world-shattering revelations until this stupid war is over thank-you-very-much), and that he’s actually Anakin’s padawan. The realization that Cody’s force sensitive leads the order to search for other force-sensitive clones in the ranks, finding many. The Jedi healers, curious and unable to pass up the opportunity to search for novel markers of force-sensitivity in humans that are the perfect subjects because they’re literally genetically identical, do a bunch of studies on volunteers, and discover the chips in the clones’ brains. Sidious’ plans are revealed and promptly foiled, with Cody personally taking Sidious’ head when he surprises the Sith with a mid-battle switch from Obi-Wan’s Soresu to Anakin’s Djem So. The Galaxy is saved, and the Separatists quietly surrender when they find out that they’ve been duped.

We get our happy ending where clones, both force sensitive and not, have been welcomed into the Jedi order. Anakin proudly watches as Cody is knighted, his twins and Padme invited to the ceremony and watching happily in the crowd alongside Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. He never falls, and the Jedi Order remains strong. The galaxy is at peace.

THE END

(I know it’s stupid and self-indulgent and probably not very in character but what the heck the idea makes me happy at least lol)

#Star Wars #star wars: the clone wars #Clone Wars #sw: tcw #Star Wars AU #There are probably a million plot holes in this idea #*throws one of Obi-Wan's discarded robes over it*#I mean no there's not #I have no idea where this even fits in the timeline other than Ahsoka has just left the order #Other than that it's a massive shrug emoji #*throws my messy pile of garbage into the sea of Star Wars AUs* swim my pretty swim!

20 notes · View notes