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episbep · 2 months

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rehab days seventeen and eighteen

two really tough days. I got some bad/uncomfortable information and spiralled - taking 7 sleeping pills in 2 days didn’t help, it’s still using/abusing behaviour and I made some really unwise choices - namely arranging to buy 14 grams of ket for £140 - cracking deal but the enticement is too much. There’s too much to lose by doing it so idk why I’m tempted to go back to the dark days of addiction, idk what the appeal is in my fucked up little brain. I know logically that I do not want to be an addict, I have tried to stop so many times and it’s taken a fucking lot to get me this far (I’m only 18 days sober but it’s been a fucking mission and a half even getting to this point) and I know that using (especially a fucking half oz) will throw me back into full blown addiction and the consequences would only continue to get more severe. I’m not prepared to give anything else to this fucked up addiction despite having already lost so much, I still have so much left to lose and so much to work towards and look forward to that I do not want to jeopardise. I had a full blown meltdown after I was unable/unwilling to share in group therapy bc my little crush was told to ‘just stop talking and sit with it for a minute’ and that translated to ‘shut up’ in my mind. Couldn’t stop crying, didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to stay in treatment but didn’t want to leave either, didn’t want to die but definitely didn’t want to keep on living in pain like…it was awful. I could barely breathe and wanted to be alone but then was appreciative when Carl (the best support worker probably in the world) came and sat with and listened to me, followed by the centre manager lol the drama of it all was a bit much but I was not in a good place whatsoever. To cut a long story short I’ve been put on a risk assessing safety plan and have to - attend an online Buddhist centre meeting daily - stay with other people at pretty much all times - complete a daily diary that I submit as well as a personal daily diary - call the on-call number at 9pm each day and practice radical honesty (the last one I’ve given to myself bc I’m still chiding a lot and acting sneaky which is not healthy helpful or adhering to step one!) if I can prove my commitment to recovery and do all these over the weekend, they are going to explore charity funding to help me extend my stay in treatment and get the help that I clearly fucking need. That was my glimmer of hope. That is what’s keeping me going - that little bit of hope that just maybe I can be okay, that someone believes in me, I’ve just gotta show my dedication. There’s no guarantee, but there is hope, and right now that is enough. I thought I’d get clean and that would be that, I was not prepared for the amount of the hard hard work that I have to put in to sustain sobriety, and all the other shit that comes with it that I’ve had to deal with. The emotions are the worst of it. I’ve used ket as a crutch and a cure for so long, before that it was weed, before that it was drinking and the first addiction of them all was self harm. I’m amazed I haven’t reverted back to it, but I am both pleased and proud that I haven’t. Healing is so non-linear and I don’t ever know what the next day is going to bring. That’s why I just have to take it one day at a time.

#that church is where I got my newcomer keyring #it was a CA meeting but who gives a fuck what fellowship it is I’m accepting that I am an addict suffering with an addiction that is #wreaking havoc in my life that I loved #to me the keyring is a symbol of hope and admission of submission to the 12 steps and a sober life and mind #yes I was already 17 days sober but in the back of my mind I didn’t intend to stay that way and was already planning to relapse (clearly)#addiction is such a mindfuck like how am I gaslighting myself #didn’t mean to add the poll but dunno how to delete it #second picture is a yt video I watched about recovery before I came in here and the end part of that comment has lived in my head rent free #since I saw it #recovery #addiction recovery #addiction

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finding-the-honey · 2 years

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I feel like I'm falling behind again. Like I'm scooting backwards, needing to undo the gains I've made.

There are no small steps in recovery. Maybe, too, there are no guarantees of continued forward motion. Or something like that, fuck if I know. I'm trying to find shit to write about to stay on top of my word count/writing project.

I just feel like, for all the manic energy of a couple of weeks ago, I'm still stuck in the same place. Same situations, the only difference is now my kitchen looks better.

It's like I'm stuck in gear and I can't figure out what the ...

Oh. Maybe I can.

The azathioprine - I've been told it takes time to start really showing any kind of help or improvement. Maybe that also means it's taken time for some of the side effects to show up.

And apparently it can also cause sleep issues, so maybe that's the root cause of the lack of sleep. I've just been assuming it's from the prednisone but maybe not.

I am pretty unhappy with the sleep bullshit - mostly because I suspect it's the culprit behind the brain foggy no spark to write bullshit. When I was at my non-manic manic best it was when I was getting a solid night's sleep.

Damn, why can't this be easy? Or at least consistent and linear?

#recovery #recovery as a frustration #the chronic #chronic illness #life with myositis

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jovialyouthmusic · 4 years

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Lovelink Fanfic

Albert/soldier date. Albert and his date get to know each other better

Word Count 1314

A/N Although this is steamy, it’s more implied than actual smut. No under 18s please

Apologies if I haven’t tagged folk who’ve liked etc recently - I’m away and don’t have a lot of time to spare.

3 Close Encounter

I lay on my back beside Albert, heart thudding, breath slowing, an ache deep in my belly that radiated outward and a sensation that I had been cleansed from the inside out. I couldn’t move or speak from the intense afterglow.

‘Are you alright Ma’am?’ he asked with concern. All I could do, with a great deal of difficulty, was nod and grunt.

‘Uhhhh’ He grinned

‘That good, huh?’

‘Buhhh’ Slowly my senses were coming back to me as he padded away to the bathroom and returned with a damp flannel.

‘I uh – maybe you’d like to clean yourself up’ he said dubiously

‘Shit’ I gasped.

‘Excuse me?’ he asked with an amused grin.

‘That. Was. Incredible’ I panted ‘Can’t. Move’

‘Shall I…’ he waved the flannel at me. I flailed my arm at him and started to laugh – laugh and breathe, laugh and breathe. He frowned ‘You’re beginning to freak me out.’ I turned over on my side toward him and put my hand to his cheek, bringing the laughing under control at last.

‘Albert, that was…I’ve never…You’re amazing’ He gazed back at me as my hand fell heavy to the mattress.

‘Do you usually react like this to having sex?’

‘Mind blowing earth moving sex’ I corrected him, and took a deep breath. ‘ Sort of. When it’s good I can’t move for a while after. Or speak. But it’s never been that intense’

‘You’re teasing me’ he replied ‘That’s the best ever…’

‘Pretty much. Where have you been all my life?’

‘Training’ He kissed my forehead and ran his fingers through my hair. I sighed happily and eyed the opened box on the bedside table, contents scattered over the surface.

‘Albert, I really need to sleep. I can hardly keep my eyes open. But yes, that was the best ever. You might want to get another box of condoms – how long are you staying?’

‘I’ve got a week’s leave’

‘You definitely need to buy more condoms’ I could feel my eyes growing heavy ‘Help me under the bedclothes’ I mumbled

‘Yes Ma’am’ he said softly. We nestled together under the duvet and I fell into a deep dreamless sleep in the arms of my soldier lover.

------

‘Do you want more coffee?’

‘Huh?’ I broke out of my reverie as Albert went to put more bread in the toaster. My slice of toast sat half eaten on the plate, and I picked it up and carried on.

‘Coffee?’ he waved an empty cup at me

‘Oh - yes please. Sorry, I was away with the fairies’

‘You have looked a little distracted since you got up. Something on your mind?’ he grinned

‘I can’t believe you’re here.’ I put my hands to my cheeks ‘I can’t believe how good the sex was’ He poured me some coffee and came back to sit at the kitchen table, taking my hands and squeezing them.

‘Do you think I set the bar too high?’

‘I can’t imagine it being any better without me dying of sheer pleasure’ I frowned ‘Do you think that’s possible?’ He kissed my hand

‘Not that I know of, unless you’ve got an underlying medical condition. Better get yourself checked out, I don’t want to be accused of murder’ The toast popped up, and he went to fetch and butter it, bringing it back to the table and putting a slice on my plate. ‘Here, you need to keep your strength up’

‘You were the one expending all the energy’ I sipped the hot bitter coffee before reaching for the toast.

‘I’ve burned more calories on a five mile hike, that was a doddle’

‘Shit, you are going to kill me’

‘But what a way to go’ He spread some preserves on his toast. ‘I’ll go easy on you next time’

‘You will not’ He laughed and we ate quietly as my mind wandered again.

Two bodies entwined, moving together, moans and sighs. Skin sliding over skin – smooth, rough, hard, soft. Rising and falling, rolling, twisting. Moving slowly, quickly, both in rhythm and erratic. Fingers running through hair – long and silky, short and prickly, straight and curled. Pressure – soft, firm, steady and trembling. Waves of pleasure ebbing and flowing, building and fading. Full. Empty. Sliding and gliding, slick wetness and dry velvety smoothness. I moved, I grew still, and so did he.

I remembered what we did, but not the sequence. Everything became jumbled and non linear, as if we inhabited anther dimension where it was impossible to work out where each of us began and ended, where we merged and emerged and where time did not exist. I had lost count of the times he had tipped me over the edge or I had felt him shudder and gasp. I wondered if we could ever achieve the heights we had reached again. I felt a bond to him that I had never experienced before.

‘Earth calling, Ma’am’ his voice broke my reverie.

‘Oh – did I do it again? Sorry, I just can’t stop thinking about last night’

‘I’m sure we’ll have a repeat performance, and soon’ I looked up at him as he got up, taking the plates in his hand.

‘You’re going?’ I asked incredulously. He looked apologetic.

‘I have family to see’ he said regretfully ‘I think it’s a bit early to introduce you’

‘Oh. Of course’ He put the plates back down and came round the table to me, putting his arm around my shoulder.

‘Hey, I’d love for you to meet my folks, but it’s a big deal meeting the parents. Plus I’d like to tell them a little bit about you first. If you think it’s a good idea of course.’ He drew a chair up to sit next to me.

‘I – I hadn’t really thought of it.’ He shifted in his seat, taking my hand and rubbing the back of it.

‘I know we met a while ago, but I’ve been away for most of it.’ He said ‘I barely had time to get to know you before I went on the escort mission. My mind was kind of taken up with work and I didn’t get a chance to talk to my family about you.’ I gave him a weak smile.

‘Did you think about me while you were away?’

‘Of course I did – every night. It was hell, thinking of you all alone, probably going back on the dating app and swiping left on some lucky guy’

‘I didn’t’ tears came to my eyes ‘I couldn’t forget you’ He held me tight.

‘I’m so glad. We’re not allowed to – well, sexual activities of any sort aren’t encouraged when you’re working.’

‘How on earth can they stop that?’

‘They can’t - not entirely, but you need a lot of self control, and the penalties are pretty harsh if you fall short of the rules. I only thought about you when I went to my bunk at night’

‘I can’t imagine the frustration. How on earth did you manage not to rip my clothes off in the hall?’

‘Hey, I’ve been off base for a day. I managed to relieve the pressure before I arrived – and in the shower’ he grinned.

‘In – you jerked off in the shower?’

‘Sorry Ma’am, didn’t want to engage with you with a short fuse. I cleaned up after myself’

‘I could have helped you’ I laughed

‘Wouldn’t have been very romantic. But next time I’ll have you as soon as the door closes’

‘You’ve got incredible recovery, soldier’ I quipped

‘I’ve got you to inspire me. In the flesh’ He sighed ‘But I have to go before my mother starts texting and asking where I am. I’ll be back tonight, promise’ He kissed my cheek and got up. ‘For what it’s worth, she’ll work out that I’ve got someone – she always knows, I can never fool her’

@kittidot @bobasheebaby @jaxsmutsuo @ramseyswifey @otakufangirl-12 @mostly-tessaandscott @aestheticallypleasing5sos @sunflowy @celiamcg @basicallysailormars @fabi-en-ciel @rdjcoldplay @cyn-onlyyou @american-satanxx @exxtrastout @callmeluna7 @theclowneryqueen @speedyoperarascalparty @katedrakeohd

#lovelink fanfic #lovelink #albert bishop

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wanna-b-poet31 · 5 years

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An (I should really retitle this series) 4-part Good Omens Meta Part 5: An Angel in Recovery

~~~Hey, look at me back at it again talking about abuse in Good Omens~~~

So like real talk, I could write a whole damn book on just trauma studies with Aziraphale and Crowley. Like no joke, I’m drafting my dissertation on disability and trauma. Expect at least 2 more parts of this multi-layered Meta because I have all the thoughts. #sorrynotsorry for how long this one is.

An Overview of Recovery

One of the things I just can’t get over is the ways in which Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship enable each other down the path of recovery from their respective abuse

I’ve been throwing around the word “recovery” pretty freely in my other installments. So, before dissecting their relationship, we need to know: what exactly DOES a recovery from an abusive environment actually look like?

Generally speaking (and I mean like really, really generally), trauma recovery has 3 goals:

establishment of safety,

remembrance or mourning of abuse,

the reinstitution of self/ sense of individual normalcy

It’s important to note that most recovery paths are non-linear and deeply personal. Meaning, no two paths are the same not even if they’ve undergone similar trauma or trauma from the same source/event. Some practitioners will cite as many as 10 steps, while others still say recovery is reached when the survivor shift from a place of unpredictable abuse/trauma to a place of safety >SOURCE <.

Aziraphale’s Recovery Needs

Throughout the series, Aziraphale is constantly threatened, subject to unsafe work/family dynamics, and forced to endure emotional abuse. Heaven’s stakes are unconscionably high, unfairly looming over the angel’s head. He constantly has to deal with the threat of falling, coupled with the constant belittling, and dismissive nature of the other Angels. His environment makes it hard for Aziraphale to recognize that Heaven is abusive. It doesn’t help that his primary coping skill is denial and repression. As long as he can’t recognize the problem, he simply can’t address the underlining issues causing his problems.

Consequently, he doesn’t acknowledge that Heaven isn’t the perfect, righteous power he thinks it is. Heaven isn’t safe. It’s violent, unforgiving, and more than willing to drop him like a rock. There is no security if something as small as asking questions, or loving Humanity (his job) is grounds for falling or permanent death. Yet, this is the place he idolizes, above even his lover best friend.

He can’t even consult other Angels to form his own sense of security in Heaven. None of the relationships we see (excepting Crowley) offer him solace, comfort or anything but abuse. If we include his human alliance with Shadwell, there’s another layer of homophobic abuse piling on his emotional abuse and physical intimidation.

To heal, Aziraphale’s recovery journey has five distinct stages: self-identification of his abuse, securing a safe space, confronting his abusers, cultivating a healthy relationship (with Crowley), and embracing his sense of self.

Abuse By Any Other Name

Aziraphale needs to come to terms with the trauma inflicted upon him by Heaven. And this isn’t to say he doesn’t notice that Gabriel is cruel to him, or that Sandalphon is about .25 seconds away from smiting everything and that’s dangerous, but he denies that these behaviors are inherent problems. Their behaviors, particularly toward him, his interests, and his loves are not respected, but he still treats them like unquestionable authorities. Admitting that there is a problem in the power dynamic, or at the very least the terms and conditions of Heaven are unjust, is the first thing Aziraphale needs to do to begin recovering from his toxic environment and toxic relationships.

Now, we do see Aziraphale push against his system of abuse, he lies to God for one thing, and maintains a relationship/agreement with Crowley for another. But his rebellions still regards Heaven above all other relationships. It is still where he claims his loyalties lay. Until he can admit that Heaven does not have his best interest at heart, he can’t undo their damage.

I argue that the first step in Aziraphale’s recovery is when he admits that he has a problem with the end of the world. It’s not a full admission of Heaven’s fault, but it is an admission that when he does not feel comfortable with Heaven’s actions he should and CAN intervene. Before, with Noah and Jesus, he watched, even though he objected and was horrified by the actions against innocence. We see this again when he seems visibly upset with “all the smiting” that Sandalphon does at Sodom and Gamorah. Despite his misgivings, he doesn’t intervene (at least not on-screen). Look at the below gif. He’s clearly pained by God’s decision, but he bites his tongue. It’s not that he doesn’t want to question, it’s that he can not question. He must soldier on.

We can see that when Gabriel brings up the possibility of “something big is coming”, he is visibly perturbed. Then, once Crowley tells him about the coming of the Anti-Christ. He recognizes that his love for humanity and his life on Earth is a tipping point that he’s unwilling to give up. But, he still does it by operating within the framework of Heaven.

The next crack happens when Aziraphale realizes Heaven is unsupportive of his efforts to save Heaven. His face visibly falls when Michael says they’ll forgive him for is an inevitable failure. He’s also upset by Gabriel who does give him encouragement, but in a tone that is clear, he thinks Aziraphale’s efforts are fruitless. Heaven makes it clear that war is more important than love for God’s creatures.

Then Aziraphale goes to Heaven, wielding information about the Anti-Christ. He knows where Adam is, he knows the beast is released, and he knows that Armageddon is days, if not hours, away. Yet, he falters. He’s all anxiety and nerves when he’s forced to talk to his so-called “side”, in a way he’s never like with Crowley. But this scene’s pièce de résistance is his choice to lie about the location of Adam. After first mentioning Crowley and all his wiles, he suddenly becomes uneasy. Gabriel asks “where” and Aziraphale recognizes that no one in the room cares about protecting humanity. Now, instead of the end of the world being his biggest problem, Angels (not yet Heaven) are. This is further supported by their intimidation of him after the break-up on the bandstand.

While this scene is certainly progress towards naming his problem, he’s not all the way there yet. He meets with Crowley, and Crowley scares him because he’s not ready to admit Heaven is intrinsically abusive the same way Crowley is. He still believes that Heaven, and the angels, are on his side, that they’re doing right. He’s mortified about the very realy possibility that if he chooses Crowley, he’ll lose his divinity. His later scene summoning Metatron shows that he believes so badly that if he can only get ahold of God, everything will be sorted. But, it isn’t.

It is only when he recognizes “hello god, it’s me Aziraphale” won’t get him shit, that HEAVEN is his problem. Not Crowley, not angels, not Hell, but Heaven is his abusive parent and he needs to pick which side he wants to be on.

So he chooses Crowley.

Sanctum Sanctorum

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times. Heaven is an empty, cold, and unloving place. There is no joy in its walls. There is no love for the Angels who dare enter. It’s a place where the Archangel Fucking Gabriel is willing to burn his “traitor” in a fire without a trial. In short, it’s unsafe. Aziraphale is, at the very least, unsafe their. Unsafe from judgmental eyes, unsafe from intimidation, and physically separated from the rest of the angels during every meeting.

Soho, in contrast, is very different. It’s very clear that Aziraphale’s shop is warm and alive with love. It’s where Aziraphale eats, prays, loves, and lives. He knows, even before he can name his problem, that Heaven isn’t home. So he creates one, a little oasis where he can invite Crowley for drinks, he can maintain his ever-growing book collection, and center himself.

He is safe here, on Earth, because it’s of his own choice. Agency (or the ability to make choices) is crucial for coping with trauma. It empowers survivors to maintain their recovery and help give them back control over their lives. In Heaven, Aziraphale has no agency. There is no food for him to taste, no lover best friend to go on dinner dates with, no books to quench his thirst for knowledge. In his bookshop though? He has all the freedom to be as hard or soft as he pleases, read whatever he pleases, eat or drink whatever he pleases, and love whomever he pleases, without fear of discipline.

It’s VERY important to note that 1 solitary character respects his sanctuary -- Crowley. Gabriel and Sandalphon barge in unannounced frequently, belittle his work and expect him to drop everything at a moment’s notice. Shadwell breaks and enters, calls him homophobic slurs and “kills” him. Sure Crowley miracles the locks open unannounced, but it’s only when the shop’s on fire and damn it Crowley has an Angel to save.

Every other character, except Crowley, belittles Aziraphale’s love of books and food, and warmth. Where other characters barge into his home uninvited, Crowley always asks express permission (minus when he’s being an action hero) to enter Aziraphale’s inter-most place of safety. Unlike everyone else, Crowley respects and loves Aziraphale enough to help him maintain a place of safety from the abuses of Trust they both find in Heaven.

The One Where Gabriel’s a Dick And Aziraphale Says FUCK YOU to Hell

Aziraphale realizes that the line between Heaven and Hell’s abuse is a fucking thin one. They team up to actively destroy the two things he loves and has been gaslighting, attacking, or traumatizing him to do it. As a way to start coping with the tremendous loss and trauma inherent in Armageddon't he comes to terms with his abusers.

There are three distinct moments where he does this. First is to Shadwell. The idiot of a man is constantly berating him, a presumed ally, with homophobic slurs. While ultimately a small moment, it’s one that Aziraphale desperately needs to confront if he has any hope of confronting his other abusers. When Aziraphale faces Shadwell, he does it with so much style. Not just does he reclaim the homophobic slur, but he also puts Shadwell in his place for using it in the first place. Honestly, Michael Sheen and Miranda Richardson deserve Awards for their performance here.

The second biggie is when he stands up to (the bastard archangel) Gabriel. Although I don’t doubt Aziraphale could cut someone with his flaming sword, his most powerful weapon is his words. He defends Adam’s choice to not destroy the world and confronts Gabriel’s use of the “great plan” vs. the ineffable one. Aziraphale knows that poking at Heaven’s excuse for destroying humanity won’t hold up. There is no rationale for waging war except “to see whose gang’s the best”. Speaking up like that, against a director of war, is ballsy, but Aziraphale does not care. He needs to confront the horrendous way Gabriel/Heaven has treated him, humanity, and Crowley.

And who supports him through this cathartic moment? Crowley. With a single glance, Crowley interjects and comes through, supporting Aziraphale’s (actually really clever) plan to protect Adam and the world. Crowley realizes Heaven and Hell don’t actually know what they’re doing, and that Aziraphale has them dead to right. Stepping closer to Aziraphale, protectively behind Adam, he pushes until Heaven and Hell are forced to admit defeat.

It’s a beautiful confrontation. A perfect Fuckkkkk you to 2 abusive entities.

The third distinct moment is the switch. While Hell specifically hasn’t actually targetted Aziraphale, they have done something worse. Attacked his support system. So, Aziraphale returns in kind, confronting his partner’s abusers head on. And look at the absolute GLEE he takes in showing off how indestructible to Holy Water his partner is. He’s making a performance of daring all of Hell to come after them, terrorizing them like they terrorized Crowley and him.

It’s also him coming to terms with the fact that yes, it’s him and Crowley against the (divine) World. The switch is so significant for so many reasons, but the primary one is that it allows Aziraphale the ability to face his biggest fear -- Hell -- and not flinch. The Threat of falling (like from Uriel/Michael/Sandalphon) and going to Hell terrifies our loveable bastard angel. He knew that he was disposable to Heaven, but he’s indisposable to Crowley. This confrontation allows him to come to terms with the unhealthy power dynamic of Heaven and begin the rest of his life with Crowley as equals. He’s not fully recovered (recovery is a process, not a finish line) but he’s faced all of his abusers.

Our Own side

His relationship with Crowley is the only damn thing that Aziraphale can always rely on. Heaven’s love is conditional. Humans live short lives compared to Azi’s immortality. And Hell wants him dead simply because he’s an Angel.

But Crowley? Dammit. Crowley will run into a burning building to save him. He’ll run into a church to save him, and then save his books because Crowley knows Aziraphale would forget. He’ll race to France DURING A REVOLUTION, to a PRISON to rescue Aziraphale. He’s Aziraphale’s constant companion, and really the only support he can always trust.

Crowley is the one to pull Aziraphale out of his abusive environment, enable him to act in the face of injustice, and support him as he faces down his abusers. He also respects the angel’s boundaries consistently, and while he’s been accused of going too fast, he’s patient, never pressuring Aziraphale to do something he’s truly uncomfortable doing. Normally, it’s already something Aziraphale wants to do, but can’t rationalize a reason to do it that would allow him to disobey Heaven. All the way up until shit hits the fan does Crowley refrain from making Aziraphale uncomfortable, and even at the breakup scene, Crowley forces it because he knows Aziraphale has to make a choice. Him or Heaven.

But, it’s Aziraphale choice and Crowley REFUSES to make it for him.

Heaven never consults Aziraphale on policy decisions, never initiates open communicates with Aziraphale, and certainly never treats Aziraphale as an equal. Crowley does. Crowley could easily have forced Aziraphale into his car and flew to Alpha Centurai. He could have forced Aziraphale to go with him in the bandstand. He could have forced Aziraphale to do any number of things without his consent, but he chooses not to. He chooses to be the honest entity Aziraphale needs in his life. He chooses Aziraphale, just as Aziraphale chooses him.

Even when they’re arguing, they share strong conflict resolution skills. Either they choose to talk it out unit they reach an understanding or, Crowley gets some fresh air, before consulting Aziraphale again. There is one moment when Crowley calls him stupid with any real bite to it, and it’s because Aziraphale, who is so close to admitting he has a problem, and that problem is Heaven, can’t make the last leap. Crowley, for the only time in the series, really insults Aziraphale because he needs one last ditch effort to take off the blinders, preventing Aziraphale from recognizing his trauma.

And after that? When Crowley is heartbroken and rejected for the second time? He still goes looking for Aziraphale. Unwilling to let anything damage the integrity of their relationship.

Crowley’s acts of kindness and love allow Aziraphale to finally recognize his past was unhealthy. But more than that, Crowley fulfills all the criteria needed for a healthy relationship according to The National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

And A Nightingale Sang in Berkley Square

So What does this all mean? Where are we left at the end of the series? In a pretty good place actually. I said the final step was establishing a sense of self. Where was he before the abuse started? Or, if that’s impossible to know (given our data) What does he want his new normal to be?

A life with Crowley.

It’s clear that when Crowley invites him to stay at his place (if Aziraphale likes) the night of Armageddon’t, Aziraphale does because they both deserve. There’s a slight smile when Crowley offers, and like in 1941, the romantic music swells. Only half-heartedly does Aziraphale say his side wouldn’t like it, but both of them know they’re on each other’s side. Not Heaven. Not Hell. Just them.

Quite simply, he’s already told us what he wants moving forward. He wants to be with Crowley, perhaps one day the could go for a picnic, or dine at the Ritz, but always together. So, he does.

Recovery is not a destination, it’s a process. Thanks to Aziraphale’s healthy support system that is Crowley, he is able to start his recovery journey and end the series in a much healthier place than it started. Aziraphale is not “cured” by the end of the novel, but he is coping, and he is recovering. So long as Crowley’s by his side, he’s well on his way to healthy coping mechanisms, and living in a safe, loving environment with a partner who loves and respects him.

TLDR: Aziraphale is recovering from 6000 years of abuse and trauma. Crowley loves, supports, and helps heal him on his journey.

For More on this Series:

In Part 1 I wrote about how Heaven is hella abusive towards Aziraphale, but Crowley’s love facilitates his recovery

In Part 2 I wrote about how traumatized Crowley is, but thanks to Aziraphale’s love which facilitates Crowley’s recovery

Part 3 is the one where Aziraphale Has some Dubious Coping Skills

Part 4 looks at Anthony J. Crowley’s Poor Coping Skills+ the One Surprisingly Healthy One

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

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janevillanueva · 5 years

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jane & rafael: telenovela loves & true love interests.

disclaimer: this post/essay will discuss michael, but it’s not meant to open the door to anger or discourse. he’s just part of the story. this is not an anti-anything post and he will not be tagged, neither will the ship. if you are gonna argue, please don’t. this is meant to be a civil post. thank you! ♡

jane the virgin is a cw show based on the 2002 venezuelan telenovela juana la virgen. while some factors are altered for american television, jtv carries the same key elements as it’s telenovela counterpart and for all intents and purposes is a telenovela. under the cut i’m gonna get into what that means and how/why it shapes the show and jane’s love story. this is long so apologies if you’re on mobile.

a common misconception among non-latinos is that a telenovela is simply a soap opera in spanish. while the two share similarities a telenovela is a condensed story told over the course of about nine months. it is usually a story of rivaling families and/or a love story in the vein of cinderella or pride and prejudice. a telenovela has to be a balancing act. it has to be unpredictable and ridiculous, but have a soft landing at the end. it throws endless drama and twists at you, but the ending is always fundamentally the same. you know the story - and that is not a bad thing.

because of this, if you are familiar with telenovelas, you immediately know that jtv is jane and rafael’s story. jane and rafael’s relationship being messy is what makes them the main couple. telenovela couples are a disaster, and we love them for it. we eat up their forbidden romance, their fights in the rain, their longing. now, with that comes a lot of “problematic” and “toxic” behavior. it’s a staple. there are age differences, power imbalances, fights, potential incest, MURDER. you name it, there is a telenovela plot. if you look at it from a telenovela pov jane and rafael are actually pretty tame. but they still are a telenovela couple. and some of those trademark things are part of their story because they are an ode to the genre. and the drama is their driving force.

for me, being team rafael was never about who the better man was or who “deserved” jane. it was “this is a telenovela and this is their story.” rooting for them was about the culture i know and hoping the show would respect that and the source material. it was “THIS IS THE STORY.”

what i love, however, is how they also challenge what that means. yes, they fight. jane is judgmental of other people and rafael shuts off emotionally. they scream at each other. they do all of that. and it turns some people off. but what they also do is is talk. they communicate.

think about early s4, probably the worst raf has ever been. he fucks up big time. but it’s a learning experience for him. the show does not excuse him. he gets hit by a car, he sits with jane on the floor and acknowledges that he fucked up. he cries to her, with her and realizes he has to do things differently. and this is just one example. later that season he reads jane’s writing and finds she wrote about michael, he feels shitty - but in the end they talk, he apologizes and gets her a private writing space. every fuck up, every choice, is something that brings jane and rafael closer and makes them change toward becoming right for each other. i have no doubt they were in love in season one, but they weren’t right for each other yet.

this is where jane and michael come in.

i say this with no malice: michael was a false romantic lead. he was a plot device. i always knew this. it sounds mean, but i don’t mean it to. it’s just a fact. that isn’t to say people who ship them are invalid, but in no way were they ever cheated or lied to by the writers. they just misunderstood the story.

the very crux of the jtv love triangle is being practical and safe vs. following your heart and being brave. i’m not going to deny jane loved michael, just like i’m not gonna deny she loved adam. love often comes many times and teaches us things every time. but a lot of jane’s love for michael came from having a plan and it being simple. from what xo and alba wanted for her, not what she wanted for herself. it fit in a binder. with michael she had settled into the idea of being a teacher, which was not her dream, and by age 23 (a baby!) she was looking forward to marriage.

(sidenote: lbr, she wanted to have sex. from a narrative pov jane marries michael so early in the show so she can have sex in future seasons while still keeping the traditional telenovela wedding series finale. it’s a bridge and a way to extend the long journey to her finding her way to rafael again.)

none of this is to say a simple life is a bad life. but we know that in jane’s heart that is not, and never has been, the life she truly wants. she loves telenovelas because she loves the idea that two people are meant to be together, she loves romance novels and she loves writing. jane plays it safe because she has the catholic mindset drilled into her by alba, and has tried not to repeat xo’s mistakes. her life is about caution, but that isn’t what her heart wants. she has big dreams. but no one who pushes her outside of her comfort zone to follow those dreams, or even simply acknowledges her as a writer. until rafael.

and rafael is not michael. they are very, very different relationships. raf is not simple. he is a complex character and a flawed one as well. he is a telenovela lead. “i’m your romantic hero. i may be flawed, but i’m yours.” in season one jane and rafael love each other magnetically. they love each other because of their destiny. and at that time, it’s not enough. they BOTH have to change. rafael more so, of course. but even rafael being the one who changes his reality to have a life with jane is foreshadowed in season one with alba’s story about grandpa mateo giving up his money to be with her. when you look at it from a telenovela lens, it’s wonderful to see rafael go from someone who is drowning in money and doesn’t know how to ride a bus, to someone who takes a real estate job and a one bedroom apartment to support jane’s dream because he WANTS to. because that’s who he has become. does he have selfish moments? yes. but everyone does. everyone on the show fucks up and is shady because that is the dna of the show.

but rafael is a character who is ironically overlooked by parts of the fandom because of his looks and how it’s “all we like about him,” when his looks aren’t what make him interesting. to understand rafael, you have to pay attention to his entire arc, not just parts of it. he’s someone who has carried trauma and abandonment issues since he was a child. his mother left him and his dad treated him like garbage. he fundamentally believes everyone will leave him. and as much as we adore her now, petra was his wife and cheated on him - after they lost a child. and he had cancer.

rafael has known loss and that shapes his behavior. it’s why he makes the mistake of pushing jane away end of season one. and it’s also why he holds on so tightly to the hotel. because for the longest time it was the one thing that was his. and the idea that he could lose that too drives him crazy. because what else does he have? that doesn’t make it okay, but it makes it understandable. and i think so much hostility for rafael/jafael comes from misunderstanding.

on the other hand, michael is probably the main character we know the least about. outside of being jane’s love interest we know basically nothing about him. we meet his family briefly and in passing. who is he outside of the context of jane? what was his childhood, what are his own issues? we never see them. the most he changes is in montana, off screen. this isn’t to talk shit, it’s to point out that he was never the true love interest.

when michael “died,” i knew there was no way in hell he was actually dead. it’s the oldest trick in the telenovela book. michael’s death was to bring jane back to rafael. but it’s important to remember that she doesn’t run right back to raf, and he doesn’t expect her to. jane mourns, she grieves, and dates around while rafael undergoes his own journey and growth. michael’s false death taught jane that life is unpredictable and can’t always be planned for. it’s only after years that she and rafael fall back in love. and those years of growth allow for them to become friends first and foremost. friendship is the most important aspect of a relationship and what they were missing season one. they really KNOW each other, which was the argument michael had before. that they didn’t know each other.

rafael is not the same person at the end of the show as he was in the beginning. we see that change happen. we know his family, his past, his issues. and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t backslide sometimes because of the fact that. 1. recovery and healing is not linear. and 2. again, telenovelas thrive on drama. but his core values have changed drastically to match jane’s. at the end of s5 they are at a place they can openly discuss their problems before they become bigger and we know they will have a life filled with joy.

jane and rafael’s romance is all interconnected. season two and five in particular. season five people thought rafael was being unfair, and perhaps he was a bit. but him shutting himself off isn’t just because michael came back. after all, he brought him back. it’s because michael came back, jane assured him nothing changed and then things… started to change. (and i don’t fault jane for having to explore.) he sees what happened in season two start to happen all over again and he’s scared. he doesn’t shut himself off to hurt jane, he does it to save himself and his mental health. he is, quite literally, triggered. because he’s mentally ill. and while they could have done it better, the show does address it. which would never happen on a telenovela. where a original telenovela lead would say, “leave michael or i’ll just fucking die without you.” rafael says, “leave me so i can survive you choosing him again.” no one should feel like a second choice and it isn’t inherently selfish for him to put his mental health first. the fact is this: people contain multitudes. rafael did help jane through her grief, that doesn’t go away. but when circumstances change, they change.

after jane married michael rafael felt like a second choice. but i think he was always her first choice. if he hadn’t ended things in season one, things would be different. but he did. and she went back to what was easy, and chose to try to act like her old life hadn’t been changed. but it had. even if michael hadn’t died she still would have found her way back to raf. and if rafael hadn’t taken her back, she wouldn’t have gone back to michael. that doesn’t mean marrying michael was the WRONG choice at the time, but it’s not her choice anymore. michael coming back had to happen because it let jane have full authority over her choice and let her choice have meaning. jane had practical before and CHOSE to be brave. she grieved and moved on to find happiness again. she saw the life she wants to have and wants to have it with rafael because he has become her best friend and person that knows her reality best for four years.

i spent a lot of years thinking about what the petals falling mean. obviously, they were foreshadowing a wedding. their wedding song is “una flor” by juanes. but more so, flowers bloom naturally in miami, while snow had to be manufactured. jane and rafael are also centered around water. water symbolizes fertility, freedom, change and rebirth.

jafael is about them seeing each other, and loving each other. even the bad parts and even through the hard times. it was about them coming to KNOW and love each other and help each other be the best and fullest versions of themselves. it was about them finding even ground after the long struggle for it and finally finding commitment and compromise between two very different and stubborn people who were destined to be together but chose that destiny as one they want to live and make it a reality. in the end they are soulmates, lovers and friends.

what i’m saying is that you don’t have to like jane and rafael. but i wish there was more respect for the fact that their relationship is tied to a long and well loved culture. and they themselves are an ode to a very well loved relationship in an already existing telenovela. jtv is a retelling/remake. them ending up together and their journey getting there was made for a latino audience first and foremost, who (mostly) would know and understand the story in it’s messy glory. jtv is jane and rafael’s story, told by their son, with symbolism and foreshadowing the ENTIRE show. it is layered, and the opposite of “superficial.”

tdlr: they honor the telenovela couple by being messy, but they challenge them by always lovingly cleaning up that mess afterwards. and i love that. there’s nothing wrong with loving that.

#jane x rafael #jafael #jane the virgin #jtv #jane villanueva #rafael solano #meta #txt #long post

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anotherrandomqueer · 5 years

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I think I have finally realized that there is no need in my life for a time machine. Even if I could go back to the moments where I thought everything was at it “should” be, I am not that person who was standing in those moments anymore. I would by the nature of time literally not “fit in” there anymore.

I have changed, life has changed, my values have changed. I know myself a little better. I had a plan mapped out for everything down to the last detail my whole life. There are HUGE gaps in my memories because I wasn’t in the present enough to remember them. Coming out as Trans, taking on documentary filming completely untrained, moving to Seattle, Dating her for so fucking long, therapy and medication, veganism and activism, moving into my own apartment, Not speaking to ANY of my family, going into recovery and being completely enamored with massage... all very much not apart of the plan. So much not apart of the plan that they weren’t even options on the table

Doing hair until I turned 86 and my hands fell off, and then counting on technology to replace them so I could keep going until I died. Being married to my job, traveling all over the world doing hair, editorial work, having my shit together by 25 and then hitting 24 having a crisis because it just wasn't going to happen. I wanted all of it or non of it, there was no in-between.

Its honestly too much, I never did the things I wanted because I grew up believing I would fail anyway and trying to do it the way I was expected to even though it wasn’t my process.

I wish someone would have said a thousand things to me that I know now but we hear what we want to hear and sometimes we aren’t ready to hear the things we need to.

Save your time machine, work on something else like teleportation or actually solving our planets mess we made. Time is not linear and neither is grief and all I have is literally each minute at a time.

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rhysand-vs-fenrys · 6 years

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Nesta in ACOFAS: My Overall Opinion

Below the cut is my stance and interpretation of everything Nesta and surrounding Nesta in ACOFAS. I’ve been as exhaustive as possible in my answer because I’m only making this one post to go through it all.

It is broken up into 5 sections (with subcategories):

How the trauma built

How it manifests

Rhys & Feyre’s responses (with some overall references to the IC here)

Cassian’s role

Nesta overall

The TL;DR of what follows is that I support the direction SJM is taking these characters and it is completely logical as they have been presented to us.

How the Trauma Built

This is to the people saying Nesta was OOC because of her PTSD (though again, Maas is these character’s God and Creator, it’s impossible for her to write OOC).

Nesta was isolating herself quite a bit in the beginning of ACOWAR. She wanted nothing to do with anybody, and also isolated Elain with her. She had a sort of ally in that regard.

Over the course of ACOWAR, Nesta started reaching out more and engaging more with Prythian and the other members of the Inner Circle. She even came close to reconciling with Feyre (more on that with “Rhys and Feyre’s Responses”).

For Nesta at that point, being alone to process her thoughts and then becoming more immersed in Velaris and Prythian was the right path. It helped her find the ground again after her trauma in the Cauldron, which is very much described in WAR as a violation with similar descriptors to being raped (feeling that their body did not belong to them anymore).

And then Nesta killed Hybern.

She was built as being incredibly resistant to even the idea of war, and never wanted to fight (More on that later in “Cassian’s Role”). The IC were the fighters, she wanted to maintain the sort of innocence that came from not surrounding herself in blood.

Not only did Nesta kill Hybern, but she killed a dying man. Elain struck the fatal blow- the knife through his neck. He was done for. Because of what he’d done to their father and to Cassian, Nesta snapped and literally sawed off his head while he was still alive.

ACOFAS builds around Nesta’s thoughts of that moment, the last words Cassian thought he would ever say to her, and her own fears during that time.

I think Nesta would have been alright if “just” the Cauldron happened (not that that was a weak blow). She was finding her way and her strength, she’d accepted that at her core nothing was different. She was still the same Nesta she’d always been- imperious and not someone to fight a war.

But then she was the one who ended it, and that shattered her sense of self and with it any progress Nesta had made against the trauma of the Cauldron. After 1 traumatic event, it is hard enough to find your footing. After two, spaced far enough apart that some semblance of recovery had been made? Utterly devastating.

How it Manifests

The Drinking

The IC has always processed things with the assistance of alcohol. Rhys’ answer to Feyre’s marriage to Tamlin was a plan to get blackout drunk. Cassian having a bad meeting with Nesta in MAF meant he went for the liquor when he came home. Feyre fighting with Nesta in WAR earned advice from Mor that it was fine to drink directly from the bottle.

Giving Nesta space to drink all she wanted might not have seemed entirely wrong (at least, at first). Fae healing probably means over-drinking isn’t as much of a threat to their health, and it took them a while to realize and accept that Nesta wasn’t just drinking off stress, she was well on her way to becoming an alcoholic.

I hesitated there to say that she is an alcoholic mainly because she wasn’t showing signs (in her PoVs) of an addiction mindset. She never seems to crave alcohol, and I think overall rather than an addiction it’s an expression of her trauma and attempt at self-medication of sorts (not to say it hasn’t morphed into full alcoholism).

Again, that isn’t a denial that it’s alcoholism, just a hesitation in assigning the term in this circumstance without more data.

The Sex

If you haven’t read the ACOMAF excerpt “A Court of Wings and Embers” about Cassian and Nesta’s meeting, it revealed something about her back story that she (and Cassian) never mentioned in the core trilogy or FAS: When Nesta broke up with Thomas Mandry, he attacked her and nearly raped her. He got as far as tearing her dress before she managed to escape.

In “Wings and Embers”, Nesta is even sensitive to Cassian’s normal taunts and demeanor because of that experience, she has a bit of a flashback of sorts while they’re talking and he realizes what must have happened. Nesta refuses to give him the name of the man who tried to hurt her (because he promises very sincerely that he will kill him).

For Nesta to go from that to unchecked anonymous sex ties directly into her references in ACOFAS to feeling completely numb inside. I think in forcing herself to bed some random stranger- which “Wings and Embers” makes clear is unacceptable to her- she was trying to trigger some kind of shame or horror response in herself.

She was trying to feel anything. Even if that feeling was fear.

The IC has always been sex-positive, and they didn’t have that critical piece of knowledge Cassian alone holds about Nesta’s past. So they had no hope of catching Nesta’s behavior early on as the cry for help it is.

In that vein, some people do use sex as a coping mechanism after stress or a traumatic experience (This one being killing Hybern). Nesta was lost and needed to figure out who she was after her self-image was shattered. The sex alone might not be the best way to handle it, but it didn’t raise flags for Feyre and the IC because they didn’t know the piece of Nesta’s story Cassian was pledged to secrecy over.

I did not see slut-shaming anywhere in ACOFAS. If anything, Feyre dwells on it because it’s the piece that really doesn’t fit for her. Nesta used Feyre’s sexual relationship with Isaac as fodder to make her miserable. Nesta is the one who slut-shames in TAR and even leans towards it in MAF when she’s snapping at Rhys (More on that in “Rhys and Feyre’s Responses” next).

Feyre isn’t sitting there going “Wow Nesta is a slut”, she’s trying to connect the dots, again while missing the piece of information that would reveal exactly how Nesta was using that sex in her PTSD.

From an outside standpoint, Maas was using it to show another way PTSD manifests. Feyre and Aelin both manifest as being hollow inside and completely shutting down. Some people affected by PTSD don’t have that “quiet” route, and so Maas is opening up and exploring another form.

The sexual aspect of Nesta’s PTSD is specifically to show that fundamental difference in how her trauma needs to be treated (more on that in “Nesta overall”).

Rhys and Feyre’s Responses

This section alone could be a novel, so I’m going to try and keep it fairly linear timeline-wise, but still separate Rhys and Feyre later on.

History

Think about how we’ve seen Nesta in ACOTAR and ACOMAF:

In ACOTAR, she’s a frigid, cruel bitch to her baby sister. She slut shames her, insults her, finds insults that literally make Feyre flinch and digs in harder, and does everything in her power to sabotage Feyre because Nesta is mad at their father. For years she makes Feyre’s life a living hell and even contributes to Feyre’s own psychological issues that Tamlin actually heals in TAR (props where props go).

Feyre has zero hope for life in the beginning of TAR, she even tells her father hope doesn’t exist because she genuinely believes that. It is tied almost exclusively to Nesta’s abuse or things that result from her abuse (if Nesta had helped Feyre instead, they might have been able to find a better footing in their poverty, or at least had a home Feyre didn’t dread returning to).

When she returns to the mortal lands, before venturing out to save Tamlin(’s ungrateful ass), Feyre finds a sort of peace with Nesta and starts to realize why Nesta was so horrible to her for so long. The key here is that there is no reconciliation, just a beginning step towards one.

In ACOMAF, Feyre returns from Prythian almost expecting that same quasi-peace she and Nesta found, only to find Nesta as viciously mean and cruel as she was in TAR (probably because of Cassian, but also her own prejudice against Fae and all that their presence might represent (war)).

Again, a bit of understanding is reached by the end of the book-

then Nesta and Elain are thrown into the Cauldron.

And guess how Nesta treats Feyre in WAR when she returns? Like shit. Again.

Each time the slide back to cruelty makes sense- TAR --> MAF it is the introduction of the fae element and knowing Feyre’s involvement makes the war inevitably an Archeron problem. MAF --> WAR it is the incredibly traumatic event Nesta and Elain went through, Feyre not being there to help them on the other side, and Nesta feeling as if she and Elain were abandoned to the care of near strangers after such a horrifying event (that again is always described along the same vein psychologically as being raped).

Still, even though it makes sense where she is coming from, Nesta does always return to the evil bitch role and never apologizes to Feyre (though she does come close).

Rhysand

He’s first because he’s easy.

People are harping on Rhysand for how he treats Nesta in FAS but it’s totally in line with canon. Feyre snaps at him in WAR for little offhand comments he makes against Nesta. He’s never had a particularly warm image of her.

Rhys brings out receipts for Nesta’s treatment of Feyre pre-ACOTAR, specifically sending her out to hunt in the forest. Remember what happened to Rhys’ little sister when the older sibling didn’t protect them? And she was meeting him somewhere that should have been perfectly safe, she wasn’t entering a dangerous area armed.

On top of that, he’s seen Nesta slut-shame her sister, and even from a non-Feyre side of things, Nesta has a habit of landing hard blows on his entire IC. His best friends who have helped him through horrible trauma, and she attacks them and repeatedly belittles them.

From his PoV, even if he wasn’t in love with Feyre, Nesta is just downright evil.

Feyre

Nesta is always going back-and-forth. Even Feyre cannot predict when Nesta will strike a blow (metaphorically) or when she’ll be somewhere in the vicinity of pleasant. She defends Nesta to Rhysand (in MAF, WAR, and FAS), but even so whenever Nesta opens her mouth to say something Feyre flinches or anticipates something horrible.

She doesn’t want Rhys to speak ill of her family because they are all she has left of her mortal life, and she had to literally risk her life to keep them fed for years. She couldn’t let grudges grow, because if she did she might just walk into the woods and leave them to starve. They are her family, and so she feels an obligation to protect both Nesta and Elain (more on Elain in a moment).

That doesn’t mean she isn’t affected by how she was treated, or that old wounds aren’t there. She just doesn’t want to get into it. It makes Feyre more dismissive of Nesta, but she is still trying. She’s just lost the strength to try as hard as she would for Mor or Cassian or even Elain- people who actually show her kindness and love.

Elain and the IC

Mor sees Nesta as a nasty thorn in Feyre’s side, but she knows what it is to deal with horrible family (to a much harsher degree). She supports Feyre and her stance, and that’s it. She tried making friends with Nesta and had her head bit off, so she’s not reaching out.

Amren and Azriel you all know.

Elain is where Nesta isolated herself wholly and completely.

In WAR, Nesta had Elain with her as they processed their trauma. Elain was worse off than she was, completely shut down, and so the isolation seemed like a good idea (you may remember in WAR it was not a good idea when it came to Elain, she needed to be around others regularly to open up).

After WAR though... Elain accepted Prythian. She doesn’t fully accept that things are over with Grayson, and doesn’t entirely acknowledge that she is fae, but she accepts Prythian and Velaris and Night. She accepts the world, even while ignoring her circumstance... and Nesta resents her for it.

Elain was always side-by-side with her, but as Elain settled and Nesta raged, she couldn’t count on her younger sister anymore to just be there and understand. Elain started having her own life and hobbies. She found a way to start processing her pain and deal with it. She wasn’t set back by the death of Hybern because Elain accepted that it had to happen and she was protecting her family and avenging their father.

Elain is very much the one to let go of grudges, while Nesta holds them in a vice-grip. Nesta resented Elain’s peace, and so she distances herself from even Elain, while still leaving a door open for the sister she always favored (at least for a while in FAS Elain is the one who can get Nesta to do stuff).

Cassian’s Role

From the very beginning of WAR, Cassian has known Nesta isn’t like her sisters.

He wanted Nesta to train, he taunted her over it repeatedly, trying to goad her into it. Cassian’s approach to Nesta has always been the closest to how Nesta needed to be approached. He has a fundamental understanding of her and her personality.

Cassian was once someone without a place in the world, and so he carved it out himself. He wants that for Nesta, but he also knows she has to be the one to take it. He tries to help Nesta while giving her her space, and he also seems to accept that while Vealris treats Nesta as if she’s his (brought up by Nesta herself in FAS), she is still her own person and free to be with whoever she wishes or live as she chooses.

Cassian is trapped between wanting to help Nesta as much as she will allow, and minding that line so she knows he isn’t trying to force his presence or himself on her. He is dismissed and ignored by Illyrians as a bastard and is touchy about that, but he endures dismissal when it comes from Nesta so that she knows he is always there for her.

Still, as much as he clearly loves her and cares about her, he can only take so many hits at a time before old wounds become too raw. That is why he will push more forcefully, but in the end he always leaves it to Nesta to take the final step herself.

Cassian is watching her more closely than the others, and he knows that missing piece about her sexual history. He is trying to help her as much as he is capable, but he also knows she needs something different. She needs real help, and Cassian doesn’t have any right to be the one to drag her bodily off to get the treatment she needs. He also knows she wont open up to some doctor.

I’m not doing a lot on Cassian’s stance because that’s what the next novel is going to be. Cassian honestly sees the same pain on Nesta that he had, and he knows her personality very well. She needs the fight, and she needs to feel like she’s earned and carved her own spot in the world.

She needs training as an Illyrian, a position he has always held when it comes to Nesta.

Nesta Overall

Contrary to how some tumbrs have been spinning it, the IC and Feyre never outright abandoned Nesta.

Even Nesta acknowledges at one point that the IC tried giving her jobs or pulling her along in their group to get her to engage. They tried to help her through her PTSD the same way they did for Feyre, Rhys, Mor, even Elain (given a job early on of designing the Townhouse garden). Rhys has offered her duties or positions, Feyre’s tried to help find hobbies for her, and yet Nesta is resistant to all.

As I said before, Maas is showing another form of PTSD, one that requires a completely different path of treatment. The IC try to heal Nesta the way they healed others, but she was never going to be able to walk that same path, not after what happened with the King of Hybern at least (remember, Nesta accepted the role as Ambassador to the Human Lands in WAR as she recovered from what the Cauldron did to her, then wanted nothing to do with it in FAS).

The IC didn’t abandon her, they just couldn’t understand her, and Nesta cannot express herself to show them how best to help her.

She’s always been barbed and defensive, and in this case when she needed people to gather around her all the more and see through it, they were pushed back because of her own past actions. The IC cannot help her, because she burned bridges with them time and again and they’re just done taking her punches.

Cassian sees what is happening, and he tries to reach for her- but Nesta doesn’t need him alone to make that leap. Even if she loves Cassian desperately and they are endgame mates (that’s not an ‘if’ that’s a fact), she needs to know the others care.

She needs to know that she is genuinely wanted, that her presence is appreciated and accepted with no other thought than “Nesta’s here, I’m so happy” (why Cassian reacted so strongly when Feyre made mention of the almost buyer’s bargain with Nesta coming to Solstice).

Feyre’s exhausted when it comes to her sister. Rhys and most of the IC have no reason to reach out for her very much because of her own personality and how it hides deep rooted insecurities. Rhys in particular has dealt with horrible people his entire life and he’s not willing to keep them around that much, not if he believes there is nothing redeeming inside them.

Nesta is screaming for help in her own way, but unfortunately it’s a case where no one else speaks the language, save Cassian. And knowing Cassian understands makes Nesta feel ashamed and weak, open and judged, so she uses every weapon at her disposal to push him back.

She needs both isolation and acceptance. Nesta cannot open up enough for that, and the rest of the IC doesn’t speak that language. They aren’t wilfully ignoring it, they honestly have no idea how to process it and are frustrated by that lack of understanding.

The minute she got up and went to the dying King of Hybern, this became completely inevitable. Nesta isn’t someone who can be strengthened and forged like Feyre or even Elain- surrounded by gentle love and kindness. She needed to be shattered and re-forged, and when she is she will be stronger, more confident, and happier for it.

The next book is going to be incredible.

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thebibliosphere · 2 years

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Despite knowing I have ADHD, I still routinely worry that I’m somehow a villainous mastermind who tricked a professional into giving me a diagnosis in order to get away with being lazy (Trauma recovery is a non-linear bitch.) or whatever the fuck.

And then nights like tonight happen where I’ll be reading a book on my phone, find a word I’m not familiar with, use the built in feature to look it up, think “ah, that’s cool”, decide I want to know the root origin of the word, look that up, “oh neat, I didn’t know those words were related,” find myself on a random Wikipedia page about a type of coral that eats jellyfish, springboard from there onto reading about the Great Barrier Reef only to find out there’s some scandal going on with marine ecologists, fall deeper down the rabbit hole into another Wikipedia article while researching said scandal, surface briefly on another article about pufferfish—pause and wonder, ‘what was I doing?’—something to do with roots… roots… roots—shit, I forgot to water the bonsai tree this morning, I’ll go do that now, oh, where’s the watering can? I’ll just find a jug in the kitchen, oh hey I left the butter out I should put that away, oh and the sugar needs to go in the pantry, oh hey, potato chips, did I eat dinner? I think I did but I’m hungry… wait, what was I doing?

Which is how you now find me stood in my kitchen at 2am eating potato chips and scrolling through my browser history trying to piece together the how and the why I got here and only just now remembering I was reading a book about ADHD, and ricocheted off from there like a pinball propelled by linguistic curiosity.

And I still haven’t watered the bonsai.

#adhd #adult adhd #actually adhd #good grief

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smchaoticchloeofficial · 6 years

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Dear best friend,

I'd like to pretend this idea was original, but unfortunately it wasn't. Everything coming next is very much original though, so bear with me. And just so you're prepared, get a tissue ready because you're probably going to need one with you being the soppy little thing you are.

I wanted to write something somewhere to let you know just how much me, and everyone else will miss you if you decide to go to California. But after a few teary sessions realised just how selfish that would be. And just in case you thought this is a cue for you getting out of reading all about that, you're wrong. Wait until the end for maximum mush.

To say you've not had the easiest 21 years on this planet would be an understatement. I didn't either be it not as awful as you have, but having you around made it a little more bearable. Now and then you tell me you wish you were stronger or braver. But unless you're aiming for the Incredible Hulk or Godzilla just how strong do you wish to be?

You suffered in silence for years at your dad's hands. And even though you knew how hard it would be to finally speak up you still did it. You didn't care about what it would cost you, you only cared about preventing Bethany going through the same thing. You knew it would likely cost you the rest of your family, you knew you'd be belittled and targeted in court, you knew you'd have to recite and prove all those terrible things he did to you, and you knew there was a chance he might not get sent down, but you took that risk and did it anyway because of Bethany.

Speaking up about what your dad wanted his friends to do with you took you even more time, but I am so proud of you for doing so. That took guts and so much courage and I cannot even imagine how hard that must have been. But you still did it. Despite being called a liar in court by each and every one of them and their legal team saying it was your own fault, you still stood your ground. You just wanted to prevent them doing the same to any one else, no matter how much it hurt you to speak out. If that's not bravery I don't know what is.

Losing both Chris and your Nan in the way that you did was horrific, but neither were ever your fault. And I know that's still something you struggle with, I know you still blame yourself. But you are not responsible for your dad or your grandad's actions. You never, ever were. Maybe they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, but that is not your fault. I also know you think you must have done something to make your dad want to abuse you, that somehow you believe you must have deserved it. Your dad acting towards you in the way that he did was never your fault. Your grandad siding with him and doing his dirty work was never your fault. You were a child. You did nothing wrong. You never deserved to be treated the way you were. You are so young to have had to deal with so much grief already, and I don't think anyone could tell you you should have handled any of those things the way you did any better. Every year at their lantern memorials you make sure you speak to everyone who comes and make sure they're not sad. Even though it's such a hard time for you too, you still put other people first. I don't know anyone else who in that situation, would be able to push aside their own feelings to help others.

You've been in hospital more times than Jake's ran away from house spiders, and that's an awful lot of times. But even though every time you've been there it's damaged the way you see yourself, it's never stopped you going out of your way to help others stuck in the hospital too. There are very few people who know all about how you always take your guitar to hospital with you, just so you can sing and play with the kids in there going through a rough time. Very few people who know that every time you go, you always make some kind of donation because you feel guilty needing the hospital so often. You help so many people when you're there feel better just by listening to them and cheering them up no matter the reason why they're there. And I really don't know how you manage to do that, it seems like it's just some magical natural ability you have. I mean you're a terrible patient and never do as you're told but you've always got a good reason. You almost didn't survive sepsis, twice, but as soon as you could get out of bed again you were off playing with the kids on your ward instead of resting. And if that doesn't show the kind of person you truly are I don't know what will.

You've spent most of your life avoiding people, keeping yourself locked away from everyone because you were worried they would get hurt. You tried to push me away once, glad to see you realised that was a losing battle though. I don't understand how you seem so surprised when people tell you they care about you. People choose to know you, Soph. People choose to want you around. It is not your responsibility to keep others safe. Anyone who knows you well enough can understand why you're concerned with everything that's happened with your family. And despite that they still want you around. People are able to make their own choices and if they decide to take that risk then that's on them, you are not responsible for anyone else's choices. Shutting yourself away from people who care is never going to make you happy, for once you need to start putting yourself first. For some of us, it doesn't matter how many times you try to shut us out, we're not going anywhere. We're our own little family, and nothing you could ever do or say is going to change that or make us forget about you. I know if the tables were turned and if it were any one of us you would do the same. I chose to stay, and it doesn't matter how many threats I get, I'm not going anywhere. Because that's what real family would do.

You bought a house to try and get custody of Bethany. You were willing to give up your job, the thing you've always wanted to do to make sure she would be looked after when her previous family didn't. At 19 that's a pretty big accomplishment and something to be proud of. Even though you pulled out of the custody battle, you always made sure Bethany's best interests were met, despite how much you wanted her to be with you.

I know you've never had much self confidence, and it's no surprise considering everything you've been through. I also know that self love and self confidence have been a never ending struggle for you, it's been one step forward and two steps back for a really long time. But you're the kindest, sweetest, and most incredible person. And one day I hope you can see that for yourself. You've got the biggest heart out of anyone I've ever met, and that's so rare nowadays. You're unbelievably smart, though not so much with common sense, sorry... How many people can say they got 18 GCSE's all A's and A*'s and only one B? And you have so many talents, even though you say you're bad at everything. I honestly don't think there's anything you can't do if you tried hard enough.

I didn't even mention half of the things you've been through in this, but I mentioned enough so that anyone else who reads this can see just how much of a fucking bad ass you are for getting through it all and more.

You are by far the strongest and bravest person I've ever met, and I doubt I'll meet anyone braver than you in the future either. You've made a difference to so many people's lives and you don't even realise it. Every so often in life you come across one of those people who just emits light, and you're one of those people. You don't have a bad bone in your body. You're just one of those intrinsically good people. How you could possibly think any one of us would be better off without you in our lives completely baffles me. Recovery's never a linear line, there's a whole bunch of bumps in the road along the way, and you've understandably hit more than your fair share, but one of the many things I've always admired about you is your ability to hit rock bottom and still climb back up. I don't believe in god anymore than you do, but I refuse to believe that you still being here after all the times you've tried taking your own life, the car crash, the fire, and the sepsis, twice, is just a coincidence. I know you like to think of your Nan and Chris as guardian angels, and maybe there was more truth in that than you thought. You deserve to live just as much as everyone else after everything you've been through. You've spent years trying to keep everyone else happy and keep them safe. You never put yourself first, and it's about time you did. You deserve to be happy too. You can't keep wasting your life by worrying about other people.

If your Nan, Chris and Alec were all still here I know for a fact how proud they would be to see the person you've become. They always believed in you, they always saw the best in you even when you couldn't see it in yourself. Just like the rest of us do.

You going to California would be such an unbelievably great opportunity for you. Whether it be for 5 months or a year, we'll all still be here waiting for you to get home. You know we'll take the very best care of your non human family too if you decide to go. It doesn't matter where you are you're still very much one of us, and going away for however long won't change that.

I'm sorry I dated your brother... and then went on to marry him. That was a shit best friend move on my behalf, but at least you've got yourself another sister out of it. But we both know we were family long before a ring proved it. If you leave losing you for anything up to a year is going to be like losing a limb. We've been through so much together and not having you around for that long is going to hurt I won't lie. I'm going to miss my fly in visits every time I go to base. I'm going to miss our late movie nights and our inability to find anything in tesco together even though we both go all the time. I'm going to miss laughing with the only person who completely shares my sense of humor. I'm going to miss you so much, Ladybug. But I know going to California could be the boost you need to get yourself where you need and deserve to be. You've been through enough, you've had enough pain to last longer than a life time. You always put everyone else before yourself but now it's your turn. It's time you got to be happy too.

- Love always, the best friend you will never get rid of.

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drake-the-incubus · 3 years

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I’ve been seeing a post lately on how the “sleeping and eating well, showering and going for a jog things aren’t meant to cure, but are an improvement and I’m appalled.

Like, no, in its own form, those things for improvement are meant to cure. Even if they’re meant for improvement, improvement of mood is a cure of depression I’m so sorry. But most people DO mean it as a cure.

And I can say from lived experience I’m less depressed not forcing myself to do things to be “healthy and happy” than I was doing that all the time. Am I physically worse off for it? Yeah. But part of the reason is, my depression’s cause actively fights half of those activities.

I’m depressed because I’m Autistic. But let’s go back. At 14 to sixteen, I was extremely depressed. At 18 I had my worst depressive episode.

At these times I was;

- forced to keep clean

- forced to eat healthily

- was fairly active willingly

- went to multiple clubs and activities

- engaged in media in a way to help my brain develop

Like, I still would do these things, but here’s what drains my energy to the point where I stop functioning;

- keeping clean. I... I don’t know how to explain to everyone I meet that keeping clean means I can’t do other things. It takes too many spoons and puts me in a foul mood, so I usually do it at the end of the day. I also never feel clean and end up injuring myself because I can’t feel clean.

- Eating healthily. This one is more of a financial issue? I spend like 1200 or more on bills and non-food necessities. So I can’t afford good food, not to mention my only fridge is a mini-fridge and my tap water makes me want to throw up. I also have extreme paranoia of running out of food so I can’t get myself to consistently eat. And making meals means I have to make more dishes, which is a task that drains my spoons and I can’t eat.

- I’m still active. It’s pacing/walking and keeps me in fairly good shape as it takes up a majority of my day. This risks me getting in severe amounts of pain because my knees hate me!

- I don’t go to clubs or activities because I don’t go to school anymore and I can’t find any that cater to me. I’m Autistic and LGBT+, my interests will throw me with Cis men, and a majority of the province I��ve met so far have been transphobic, and I can’t stealth because of my voice. In fact being misgendered causes me so much distress I try not to run into people. It was deemed unsafe to hold pride last year in the capital because of the transphobia and other issues going on. So yeah! Nothing like the added stress.

- Engaging with media that strengthens your brain is tiring and sometimes I want to just shut my brain off.

I have other multiple issues, like PTSD, OSDD-1b and other major issues I’m not going to go through, but the point is, these don’t assist me in being less depressed, because my depression is a symptom.

I can do these things, and it can help me physically feel better, but cost mental health that I’m not willing to give up.

Things that I’ve actively come to realize do help my mental health;

- Alone time. A lot of it. I’m introverted and being near people drains my spoons, it’s energy consuming.

- Fun snacks and treats for myself. A reward system makes life feel less shitty.

- Figuring out my issues and treating them.

- Setting minor goals I can accomplish

And I did this on my own because I realized CBT didn’t work on me, and made me worse off. Specifically because at the time, my therapist’s advice was to “just do your thing and ignore your father” and my father was abusive and a huge source of my mental health issues.

But that’s genuinely sound advice for other people, just NOT me.

And so is the above! It’s good to exercise, to clean yourself, to eat and sleep properly. This is used to treat acute depression and it works. Same as putting yourself into a new environment.

But the problem isn’t that people who say, “thanks I’m cured” are wrong, it’s that this is shoved down their throats and it doesn’t help them. Improving your quality of life is ACTUALLY not the most important step.

Recognizing why and how you have depression is.

Let’s not talk about how I’ve been told the above will help my autism- by a therapist no less who wouldn’t actually research into my autism to assist me- and how these steps never improved my quality of life but ruined them because I had other more important factors.

And I’m not saying that the advice isn’t sound, it is! If you can manage these things, please do so, because poor physical health CAN deteriorate your mental health.

But people with PTSD and ADHD are not going to benefit from “sleep hygiene”. Specifically because these posts are just said at face value and no one knows what the fuck it means.

Which pisses me off, because like,

A) what worked for your mental health is not applicable to someone else, my friend and I need different things. One of those things is my friend cannot be completely alone, it fucks them up mentally, I need the isolation otherwise I fucking lose it.

B) Comorbidity is high with depression. Particularly, people who are Neurodivergent, Traumatized, or have physical disorders tend to end up also with depression. It’s usually caused by untreated issues or struggling to fit in to society with these issues. If you can’t fix that, then you can’t assist them.

C) Improvement isn’t going to make “people’s lives so much better”. That’s... Okay let’s talk about something. Improvement means your mental health goes up a bit, but recovery isn’t linear and focussing on these traits as “helpful, can assist immensely” without mentioning that your mental health is going to tank again, just less severe as before and if you don’t track it, you’ll 5ink you’re not recovering, is actually anti-recovery.

Which I want to underline, promoting things for “recovery” while not being a licensed specialist, and not warning for the fact that someone is going to feel better and then feel bad again in a vacillating manner, is anti-recovery. You’re setting someone up to sabotage themselves. Someone is going to look at your condescending post and if it works, and then they feel like shit, they’re going to blame themselves.

But your little spicy posts on how saying, “thanks I’m cured” is anti-recovery and it’s not about curing people, doesn’t WORK if you leave out the narrative of people telling us that this cures us.

You’re erasing the narrative on why people react that way to make them seem anti-recovery, and no, these people genuinely want assistance, they’re just fucking tired of the same bullshit without substance and you’re an idiot.

If I’m allowed to tell my step-father to fuck off for unsolicited mental health advice, I’m allowed to tell a random stranger on the net with a post devoid of actual advice to also fuck off.

So, TDLR;

Mental health is very tricky and while physically taking care of yourself can help, it’s not actually sound advice. There’s more to recovery than that and it’s fairly anti-recovery in itself as it never addresses how recovery is about feeling better and feeling bad again because mental health is a bitch.

No one should be making sweeping statements on what assists with depression or other disorders, and everything should be posited as, “this may not work” and should definitely have a disclaimer of, “if it does work and then stops working that’s a process of recovery, and continue doing it as you would take your meds to settle in”.

What are my credentials?

- Psychology as a special interest and career path.

- 4 years of medical fuckery with recovery before I broke off until I can actively find someone to assist me and get the rest of my diagnoses’.

- I’ve lived this. Genuinely lived this issue, and know other people to. This comes from years of knowing depressed people who have other disorders and are marginalized.

Final Note; Please take care of yourselves as best as possible, do what’s within your means and don’t put yourself down for struggling. Try new coping mechanisms out if you see them, to see how your mood is after a bit.

Remember your mental health is important, but figuring out what does and doesn’t work takes practice, and recovery is never linear. Let yourself fall again, because climbing back isn’t going to slowly get easier.

#mental health #depression #why do I have the sinking feeling someone is going to see this and be upset over it

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okikouji · 7 years

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to the place where i won’t sway

One part buddy cop movie, one part mind-numbing domestic fluff, one part redemption fic but not in that (or any) order.

ao3 link: [ ⁂ ch1] [ ✦ ch2]

non-linear

Arc 2 - ✦ Bakugou Katsuki realizes some shit aka Feelings

Ch2- ✦ - always coming back to you

✦

24 years old

"What am I doing here?" The words are barely audible but Inko hears them all the same. It takes a second to look up from her knitting and to look back down. It'd be easier to say nothing. It wasn't after all a question for her, not exactly. It'd be easier to just ignore it, to forget she heard it at all. It'd be easier for the both of them. Midoriya Inko is not about to go easy on Bakugou Katsuki. So instead of being silent, of giving him an easy way out, of lying to herself through silence and inaction, she stops her knitting (a forest green scarf for her boy, her baby boy) and looks up once again. He's got less bandages on this time around, compared to the last time she saw him and the days before that. (She remembers the news then; all the heroes being interviewed or caught on camera, all sporting at least some damage in their bodies and clothes, but with their hearts stronger than ever. She remembers some of the heroes she knows best, her son's friends, with their clear bright eyes and warm, even if tired smiles, and their words of encouragement in these dark times. She remembers watching Katsuki as well, the few times anyone managed to catch up to him with their mics and cameras rolling, and not being able to keep herself from worrying over how quiet he'd be, giving out simple and monotone answers before moving on or one of his team members intervening. She remembers the announcement from his agency that he'd be taking a week, this past week, off and explanation as to why. She likes to think she knows why.) His left arm is back on a sling and curiosity tickles in the back of her mind. She knows from news reports that he was supposed to be on track for a full recovery. No matter, she can ask him at another time if it comes to it. She speaks, voice hoarse, dry from crying, from not drinking a single thing in hours out of fear of leaving the room and not being there in case anything happened, from exhaustion- not just of body but of mind as well. She speaks just loud enough to make all the noise from all the machines keeping her baby boy alive nothing but background noise. "You're here," she starts, keeping a close eye on the body sitting on the other side of her son's hospital bed, slouched on the uncomfortable hospital chair. "Out of guilt." The fingers on his good hand flinch. "For not being strong enough, fast enough, or smart enough against the ones who did this to Izuku because maybe if you had been, he wouldn't be laying here." She expects him to grind his teeth or clench a fist. He does neither. "For how you treated him all those years, without reason or cause except your own weakness." He swallows, eyes still glued to her son's face, even as she throws his own words from the last time they saw each other at him. "For never apologizing for any of it. For wanting to, for knowing you should, but never having the guts to do it." She hears it, more than sees it, the way he grinds his teeth. She sees his brow furrow. Inko takes a deep breath. They've gone over all of this already, during that shouting match they had. Has it even been a full week since then, Inko wonders. Maybe it has been longer, Inko isn't sure. Time flies and doesn't seem to pass at all inside this hospital room where she doesn't count the seconds but the fall and rise of her son's chest. "Katsuki," she calls out and he turns to face her. The bags under his eyes look worse than before. She wonders for a few seconds, what he's feeling, what he's thinking. She wonders most of all, in those small seconds of silence, if he's finally acknowledged it, the little truth even she's had a hard time making sense of. "You're here because you love him." Plain and simple. Nothing grandiose, nothing of the sort along the lines of 'the truth will set you free' or 'a weight lifting from your shoulders'. A fact that doesn't ease either of their hearts. One phrase. One simple little phrase. That's what breaks Bakugou Katsuki. She's watching him, transfixed, taking in every detail, every twitch. His eyes once dull, tired, start to shine with tears. She wonders if he'll let them fall here, with her in the room, with the possibility of a nurse or a doctor coming in at any moment. He didn't last time. His breathing becomes ragged, like it hurts just to take the oxygen in and then let it out. His shoulders start to shake. He's trying his hardest to remain still, unaffected, she can tell. He's trying so hard she almost takes pity on him. Almost. "You're here because you love him," she repeats, emphasizes, has to keep herself from shouting out- and isn't that just terrifying to you. His free hand flies to his mouth, the smack the loudest thing in the room that it startles her. Though not quite as much as what happens next. Inko watches Katsuki with wide eyes, mouth dropped into a small 'o', and a single hand instinctively reaching out towards him as tears run freely from his eyes, down his face, over his hand. The sob that breaks out of him is muffled by his hand but Inko hears it, feels it from across the short distance between them, loud and clear. All it takes is that one sob for the dam to break. Katsuki curls over himself, in his chair, sobbing, quaking shoulders fighting for stillness. She's surprised by him, yet again, stupidly enough by how his sobs are anything but loud (She remembers a time before everything changed, when he used to slam his little hands on her front door over and over and shout at Izuku to come out and play already, with a voice so loud she had thought it might end up somehow related to his future quirk.). She knows he's changed, without Izuku having to say anything specifically to her. She's more than noticed, in the subtleties of her own boy. How as children Katsuki was always a topic he could go on about for hours, how that slowly changed and she heard less and less of him and more and more about heroes and villain encounters Izuku'd managed to catch a glimpse of. How that turned into talks about U.A. and his classmates, his friends. Inko knows Katsuki's changed because after almost a decade of silence over him Izuku, probably unaware of this, found it in himself to be able to speak of Katsuki and his deeds with the same awe and admiration and pride he once did as a child. It doesn't make it any easier to believe even with the proof right in front of her. "I'm sorry," she's startled to hear, almost thinks she's imagined it until Katsuki says it again and again, just as, just as broken, every time. The hand that covered his mouth now covers his eyes though that doesn't seem to stop the tears from falling. She wishes she could remain steadfast- but she's always been too much of a sympathetic crier and the past few weeks have left her with barely the strength to stand on her own two feet. So she can't stop the tears from forming in her eyes as she utters, admits to herself, just loud enough for Katsuki to possibly hear, "I know."

#my hero academia #midoriya inko #bakugou katsuki #dekukatsu #katsudeku

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frankincenseisnotamonster · 5 years

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The Drive

EXPECT IT !

DEETS:

Today is the day we say goodbye!

Say goodbye to all the attitudes that don't serve you

To distractions and playing small

To doubts

To saying yes with no boundaries

Say hello!

To the power of no

To being a villain

To being completely and genuinely yourself and not apologizing

To making mistakes and failing big

To do the things you need to do so the next generations will not have to strive for what has already been accomplished

To telling the truth to yourself 1st especially

To re-dos at any age and having your day anytime

To non linear healing, feeling, and, communication, and art

To joy

The mercury retrograde has been real y’all! A lot has come to light as the Dude likes to say. I find myself so close to this guitar battle that I can’t procrastinate anymore on the person I would like to be, or guitar practice. I guess its been time to get cereal, but better late than never, as I always say.

At this time I am reminded of the magic of the last guitar battle I had and how it really gave me a chance for catharsis. I hope I get this chance again. Let lightning strike twice.

I think about this old anime watched as a child called Iczer 1 which had awesome trumpet music and an alien protagonist female that fell in love with an earth girl. Iczer 1 has this great sci-fi vibe and is super creepy, however the protagonist has an attitude I’d really like to emulate, its a quality I see in a lot of the friends and family I have in my life actually. Its a quality of really getting your shit together when things go sideways or even before they do.

Its the type of admirable quality I feel people have when they step up to do something that they are scared of sure, yet the risk to them is worth it, big spiritedness. I want to have a big spirit and practice standing up for myself so I get better at standing up for others because as we know that just needs to happen a lot more.

In my journey I find myself stronger and testing how good are the boundaries I’m setting up. I still have a ways to go, the dread still comes from time to time but my recovery is quicker, my understanding of what I need clearer.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

!SPOILER ALERT FOR HANDMAID’S TALE WATCHERS!

“Ooh, I just know that something good is going to happen. And I don't know when, but just saying it could even make it happen”

I adore these lyrics from Cloudbusting by the wonderful and forever praise-worthy Kate Bush. It really spoke to me when I heard it on Handmaid’s Tale this week. “Even saying it could make it happen”. I really feel in my life that thinking and saying something has made a difference, and I believe spell-casting is real. I cast a spells around myself, to do this guitar battle that scares me, I cast a spell, to say it, to make it happen. I like to say a lot that the success is in the doing, just by doing, by practicing, by playing, and by reflecting I hope I can make space to fight for what I love, and fight for myself.

As I was talking to one of the beloved people in my life I found myself with the question that often comes up, “was what this guy did really so bad?”. And I don’t really know that it was. In actuality the guy is an inciting incident or the mirage. I get into this kind of illusion with myself, to think anything that deep I feel is over a guy. Its about my dreams that I still dream, of doing what he got to do, and being something more than he was. Its not literal, its symbolic and figurative. Sometimes I even trick myself, thinking “do I even need to do this crazy guitar battle, find this guy I haven’t even talked to in years”?

But then I recognize what I have created for myself by pursuing this and what it means to me, regardless of how it goes down. Plus I like being absurd, its fun to be the crazy one, to have people ask, “Why would you ever do that?!?!”

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I have to do the guitar battle because:

I am too in love with those dreams, to not at least try to make them real.

I want juicy narratives so much

Women of color queer protagonists so much

Music for the ladies so much

It's worth risking almost everything for

Sometime I think this is too much over one guy

But that's part of the lie

It's not true and I wrote it over and over in my journals because I knew rightly that I might keep forgetting

I'm not fighting a man

I'm fighting for an idea

Of being my most indomitable self

And making way for the MATRIARCHY

To go ring the bells of shames at the detention centers; to have the gaul

To tell the truth to yourself 1st

To have a guitar battle with a dude

To walk with my hyena and a strong spirit

To do something that completely scares you

In any way I can

I'm fighting for a way of life and a way of being that makes me feel strong

When I think about feeling strong lately I think of the variety of ways people resist and how it cam manifest in any way and that it can also be strategic. For the people of Puerto Rico it is very much a strategic resistance, one that has been fueled by large and small resistances for years against colonialism and neo-liberalism, which now is resulting in the resignation of a corrupt governor. Large protests in Puerto Rico happened even in pouring rain and one of chants is always on my mind and want to say over and over because I want to be like that in most things I do especially with art creation, protecting and with this guitar battle.

“soaking wet soaking wet but never kneeling down”

“empapado mojado empapado pero nunca arrodillado”

It makes me feel like rain itself, everywhere, sometimes in a small way, until you are slowly over time a large lake, and then the ocean before anyone ever really sees it happen.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

UPDATES:

I’m practicing I swear! Also on a personal level saying “I will” more than “I’ll try”, learning about having healthy boundaries, I actually learned something new even today or confirmed it anyway and got a reminder like I so often do about what matters most to me and what I want to invest in.

Thanks Kate and Puerto Rico for Cloudbusting

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#inbeingwhohewasn'tcouldbeashewishedtobe

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smallblanketfort · 7 years

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tw self harm: i was 7 months clean and i just relapsed. i'm upset at myself because my old scars were practically invisible, but the idea of school restarting scares me so damn much and idk, i guess i also just missed it? anywho, do you happen to have any tips or advice when it comes to relapses? thank you so much for any advice, and for reading this at all. have a great day

i guess find some comfort in the fact that it was relapse rather than just a regular thing you do. it doesn’t erase any time you were clean. that’s great. you did wonderful. forgive yourself for it. if you don’t you’ll end up in a spiral and you don’t want that. roll your shoulders, live in the present moment, and leave it behind you.

i’d suggest going back to how you got clean earlier; it seemed to have worked pretty well. you know yourself. try to treat the actual problem, rather than the cutting? like why did you miss it? what does it do for you? is there something else that can fulfill that for you? again, you have done this before (and better than i) so remember what you did before and how it didn’t work out this time. figure the shit out. you already have half of it, school. dude i feel you so hard, yeah? try to map that out too. what else is going to help you feel better about it? for me, it’s dumb little stuff like making sure i have my favorite granola bars and mixes and gum packed (they help me feel healthy and they also keep me more grounded and less anxious). and other things more specific to college, but try to have a plan of action for school so you feel more in control now. school is hard, dude.

sometimes it helps to just. stop thinking about it. not looking in the mirror for awhile. not counting how many days clean. just not dwelling on it and keeping the relapse on your mind. i think it’s personal as to whether or not this works, but it helps me. easier said than done, i know.

here’s a masterpost on self harm. i will also reblog it.

anyway, just remember that the line of recovery is non-linear. you’re going to screw up and face shit, but working through it will help you figure out how to stay better later. you aren’t your self harm, and youre bigger than it. be safe. x

#this was rlly unhelpful i feel like #self harm tw #anon

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adreamingsongbird · 7 years

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fic self rec meme

i was tagged by the lovely and ever-talented @kanafinwhy!!!! thank you so much daniela <3 lets see what i can come up with here across the fandoms, haha!!

i’m tagging @pitviperofdoom, @weepycat, @sohmamomiji, and @gaymowgli if you’d like to!!!

this post got kind of long so the rest is under the cut:

Homestuck:

Drifting Between Stars (11.4k)

Or, "that one mission that goes really, really wrong, and how the crew tries to fix it". Star Trek AU written as a Christmas present for my good friend apollo-gramarye. Lots of friendships, mentions of Arasol, Karezi, and DaveJade. Also features acting captain Rose, science officer Roxy, engineer Dirk, and medical officer Jane, as well as others!

this one is p old but i still kinda like it haha!! back in the day meg and i were both really into our “uss skaia” au.

Darkness And Dreams (250k)

The Batterwitch rules the star system with an iron claw. Four young men and women are determined to set the world to rights by igniting the spark of revolution, but they are few and have little training in either their magical abilities or running a rebellion. And is that prophecy ever going to come true? (Full summary inside! Starring the kids; not ship-driven.)

d&d is on this list automatically because at over 250,000 words, it’s the longest story i’ve written ever (though that’s going to change soon, i think). even though i really don’t like rereading it bc i’m so critical of 2014 me’s writing, i’m super proud of having done it!!! (it was also my first homestuck fanfic and my first multichap fic and i think the 3rd fic i wrote ever? proving once again that i have no chill tbh)

Stormlight Archive:

Come Morning Light (4k)

"I guess you’ve never really had to worry about a little brother getting in over his head, huh,” Adolin mutters.

Kaladin actually laughs out loud.

this fic is important to me because i just really need kaladin to have love and support from people around him but also i’m not over tien’s death holy fuck

Fullmetal Alchemist:

In The Drift (10.5k)

Edward and his brother Alphonse are the proud pilots of the jaeger Fullmetal. One blustery autumn, a kaiju manages to take them down - what follows are several weeks of fretting, healing and disillusionment at being stuck on the ground. And also, possibly, Edward sorting out his awkward crush on their mechanic and childhood best friend, Winry. It should be an adventure...

written as a secret santa present for a rly good friend of mine, this fic was so much fun holy shit. to date it remains one of my fave aus tbh

As Dreamers Do (5k)

It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes, even if you are a seven-foot-tall suit of impenetrable armor. Riza only wishes Alphonse would stop being so stubborn when it comes to admitting that.

*BANGS FISTS ON TABLE* GIVE ME MORE MAMA HAWK AND HER ARMORED SUNSHINE SON anyway i feel like im one of the only people on board this (10000% platonic, parental) ship but i will keep sailing on. riza&al is just as beautiful as ed&roy (which i love but which has so much more content than riza&al :((((( )

My Hero Academia:

catch your breath in the quiet (3k)

The sun has already set by the time the dust settles on the battlefield. Creatie and Earphone Jack return home. It's all in a day's work, really.

i love momojirou a lot and there’s barely any content for them and thats a damn shame. i should write them more tbh. anyway established relationship lesbian superhero power couple = my aes

(nothing really gay about it) (14k)

If anyone had asked him what he thought he’d be doing at three that morning, Kirishima probably would have said “playing angry birds” or “making popcorn” or something. Definitely not playing wingman-slash-relationship-counselor to a hopelessly confused Todoroki Shouto.

And yet...

DORM SHENANIGANS AND FRIENDSHIP AND FLUFF look this is all i want from the UA kids living in the dorms. naturally as a kid who attended a boarding school, i had to jump on board the dorm shenans train. this fic was a looot of fun to write and i giggled my way through it.

Yuri On Ice

The Rules For Lovers (142k)

Prince Yuuri Katsuki has a duty to his country, above all else (his desires, his dreams, and his happiness included), and he knows this alliance will help to ensure the safety of his people. That’s the only reason he accepts Prince Nikiforov’s hand in marriage. The pleasant surprise, of course, is the part where they fall in love along the way. The unpleasant one, well…

That’s a long story.

okay honestly is there any question as to why i’d put this one on this list. this fic is so much time and work and i love it so much, it’s actually somewhat adhering to the vision of it i had in my head and despite being able to nitpick and find a lot of flaws in it as is (what i wouldn’t give to be able to write a second draft and publish that instead haha) i really love it a lot!!!!! plus, if current projections hold true, it’s gonna knock d&d off the #1 spot in terms of word count. B)

non te ne andare (6.6k)

“I’m fine,” Yuuri insists, one last time. He’s not fine. He’s not fine.

Viktor sinks to sit next to him, nothing but concern written all over his face. “Yuuri, I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me,” he says, reaching for Yuuri’s hands, and—oh.

Recovery is not linear. For all that he tells himself he has no reason to be sad, Yuuri is not having a good day.

a deeply personal fic, this is one i wrote during a really bad depressive slump earlier this year. it was partly vent-fic and partly cope-fic and partly spite-fic because the number of times ive seen self-harm represented falsely in fic angers me greatly, but overall, this is one piece of writing that i think is a window to my soul. it’s meaningful to me and i honestly really like how it turned out.

#bffs4lyfe (10.5k)

Detroit holds a special place in Phichit Chulanont's heart, mostly because that's where he met the boy who would become his lifelong best friend. Wait, no, scratch that - Detroit doesn't hold a special place in Phichit's heart. Yuuri Katsuki does.

this was both an exercise in writing phichit’s pov and also a response to my own need for some Good, High Quality Friendship™ such as phichuuri. they love each other very much and the concept of friends loving and supporting each other was something i was longing for (i was at school and really missed my best friend haha), so... this happened. i really love these two and i still enjoy rereading this one, tbh!

#tag meme #....if this is about... reccing... urself....#i guess....#fic rec #HERES A BUNCH OF VARIOUS FICS IVE WRITTEN THAT I LIKE LOL

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