#and I’m getting a tattoo on thurs so I’m not going to be doing much next weekend that doesn’t involve sitting around lmao

[eatyoursparkout]

okay hear me out… what if I updated BOTH of my wips by the end of march…

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - A New Entry My Top 10 BLs of All Time

March 2023 Wk 4

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Bed Friend (Sat YT, GaGa & iQIYI uncut) ep 7 of 10 - the plot remains much the same and I am getting very concerned they extended this one as it’s starting to flag. Might have been my first high heat 10/10 candidate if they had kept it at 8 eps. Bummer. I mean it’s still good and I’m still enjoying it, but... character development is a thing.  

Future (Thai Sun YouTube & Gaga) ep 2 of 5 - Drunken gathering is such a hallmark of this franchise. Tiny bit of James flirting! (He’s my fav character ever since Love Mechanics original and the punch). Fuse is right to be worried about getting drunk bc he wants to be able to take care of Ana. I love the actor who plays Top (the ex). I’ve said it before (Remember Me) I really want him to get his own series. Also adventures in translation, Top did not say “I can’t believe you’re dating this man”, he said “I can’t believe you’re dating this kid/child”. These two are the ULTIMATE over dramatic college gays. Their relationship has NO drama but they will make it anyway. 

Pastsenger (Thai Weds Gaga) 4 of 12 eps - I like it more and more each new ep. The leads are developing a fun playful relationship. It’s a bit slapstick for me but it’s not offensive or boring. 

A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 5 of 12 - I don’t know. I’m just finding this one kind of boring now. Although, it looks like we are getting cute boyfriends next week so that might be nice. 

Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga & iQIYI) ep 6 of 12 - Side couple advanced into lap sitting and tongue kisses out of nowhere. Good tongue kissing, even if surprising. Higher heat! Yay! They’re a great pair, but would it kill Thailand to give us character development with our high heat?

Chains of Heart (Sat iQIYI) ep 7 of 10 - the confusing whateverness of waisted chemistry continues to confuse. 

The Promise (Thai Weds YT) ep 5 of 10 - I don’t know what’s going on with this show. That’s it? He just fell in love with bestie and then punished bestie for his own feelings? Seriously? WTF. ON HIATUS UNTIL APRIL 19. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Dating Sim (Korea Thurs Viki) eps 7-8fin - Absolutely wonderful. There is a time laps but it’s the good kind - NO SEPARATION. Couple of moments when I doubted they could pull it off. But CONGRATZ! We have a new entry into the very rare 10/10 club. I have go change all my best of lists but this was worth it. Final thoughts below. 

Unintentional Love Story (Korea Thurs iQIYI) 5-6 of 10 - (here’s how I’m getting it) KBL rarely gives quality sides dishes but these two are legend. Poor tattooed player hottie is always getting punched. Don’t get me wrong the leads are great too. It’s fun to watch two sets of bisexual identity crisis being handled entirely differently because of good characterization. I say “ouch” a lot while watching this show. Also “awwwww.” I do worry their cafe has no customers tho. 

The Eighth Sense (Korea Weds Viki) eps 1-2 of 10 - With 10 episodes of about 40 minutes each this has got to be one of the longest BLs Korea has ever given us. However from tone, filming style, opening credits, and trailer I am guessing this could be sad. If its KBL doing JBL style then we are in His the series territory, but it could be more in the Blueming vein. I’d give it 50/50 odds. There’s always a chance it wants to be “taken seriously” which is the death knell of BL. Also if a lead smokes it means that one or both will cheat. (I don’t make the rules, the Japanese yaoi gods do.) OK, but do I like it? Yes, actually, it’s... interesting. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, the acting is great, characters complex, good chemistry and tension. It’s a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBL (do I detect a touch of Taiwan?). This one is deploying BL tropes (messy eater, shoulder sleep, protective seme, there’s even some hyung-slinging) but it isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges, we may get a coming out sequence or even a bashing. It certainly will stay interesting. But proceed with caution. 

A Shoulder to Cry On (Korea Tues Viki & Gaga) eps 5-7fin - What both these kids need is a little affection and a lot of therapy, not romance. The punishment for flirting in class thing was funny. They are such boyfriends by ep 5 - Sitting together, sharing a glass etc…Terrible awful grueling confession rejection. 2 year time gap. Much needed in this case. Then another 2 before the epilogue. Honestly, the most unlikely thing about this show (after the casting) was the prospect of an out gay Korean cop. No kisses for us. Narrative indicated that there should have been at least a fish kiss, but not happening with them in the same Kpop group. I’m starting to think I really just prefer KBLs where they use actors and not idols (Semantic Error excepted, of course). I’m assuming the next 2 eps are bts. Final thoughts below. 

It’s Airing But ...

Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) stopped at ep 2 of 12 - I’m just not into any aspect of it (except Lee Long Shi and I can watch him in Tin Tem Jai - see above pic, awesome side dish action) - saving to binge if the end is solid.

Venus in the Sky (Sat YouTube) pilot/tester?) 0 of 10 - not entirely sure what’s up with this one distribution-wise, but the pilot was cute, classic university-set pulp. I hope it happens because the leads are cute with good chemsitry and I thought it was fun. However, it totally holds together as it’s own little short story too. 

Cafe In Love (Thai ???) 10 eps on Ch3+ - Thai pulp, about trying to save a coffee shop. FairyGodBLer came through for me, but I’m collecting to binge just in case. It’s my new policy with the grey stuff. 

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV Thailand) 10 eps - it’s not on any WeTV I can get ahold of. Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets Japanese handsome host club action. Same as above.

Make a Wish (Thai Weds ?) from WaGa Creative staring Fluke Natouch (OhmFluke UWMA etc...) & Judo (The Miracle Of Teddy Bear) in a medical-fantasy. It seems to be a light-hearted romance with a comedic flair. About a doctor who sees ghosts and a deity who resides in a Bodhi tree that earns merits whenever he fulfills a wish based on a y-novel by Sammon (Manner of Death, Triage). Too hard to find.

Finished this week

Our Dating Sim (Korea Viki) I enjoyed every aspect from the casting to the very simple premise to the quietly smooth execution. Sure it’s very low stakes, but that makes it high domesticity and extremely warm and gentle. This is a fuzzy blanket of a story. Do we call this cozy BL? Why not? This one is going to live in my rewatch pile, I can tell already, and you know what’s best about it? Every single episode is in that pile. There’s no skipping with this one, it might be good natured and calmly sweet but it’s tight and the pacing is excellent. It perfectly suited KBL’s short-length tendencies. Full review. 10/10 I CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS SHOW HIGHLY ENOUGH

A Shoulder to Cry On (Korea Viki & Gaga) - Adaptation of a manwha, high school set bully romance, staring Jaehan & Yechan BOTH from Kpop group OMEGA X, so no kissing. All in all this was a painfully awkward watch for me, and while beautiful and decently acted, the story and characters rendered it ultimately disappointing. I think we shouldn’t let Korea do bully romance. 4/10 FATALLY FLAWED 

Jack O’Frost It was fine. I never really cared about the characters or their relationship. Not to slag off the acting (which was superb) but the narrative bored me. 5/10 WATCH ONLY IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO 

In Case You Missed it

Ai Long Nhai got a special ep on iQIYI. 

Eternal Yesterday is getting a movie version with additional content if you want extra suffering. 

A few things have been announced but mostly Thai, Japanese, and 2 (yes, 2) Chinese Omegaverse (Desire and Couple or Not). It’s doubtful these will pass censorship, so I’m not gonna bother tracking until they actually get international distribution. For Thailand, I’m excited about Waterboyy 3, which NOT a remake (hally-fucking-luya) but a new installment, and stars KaownahTurbo (Love Stage!!! et al). Although why the fuck they don’t put Est Supha (swim champ) into one of these is a mystery to me. For Japan, they’ll start airing sooner rather than later, so expect me to start tracking those. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

04.06 Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Gaga) - I AM SO EXCITED I LOVE THE MANGA 

04.07 My Beautiful Man Eternal (Japan ????) - 3rd installment, movie which means it’ll be a pain to get hold of. 

No proper post for April but remaining releases are: 

04.14 Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Gaga) - not really my thing but yes I’ll watch it 

04.15 My Story (Pinoy YouTube) - not my fandom but I will give it a go

04.18 Step By Step (Thai WeTV) - office age gap, I am all in! Even though it’s WeTV. Sigh. 

April is looking a bit slender so I might start watching Destiny Seeker or Cafe in Love, or both. 

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

Adventures in Captions

Ai Long Nhai special both reviewing its own plot and having fun with English. 

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

The danger in dating an older boy. (Future) 

Love triangle in one photo! (Promise) 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Nada, the comebacks have been disappointing recently. 

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 29 April ‘21

Louis followed Elon Musk and we’re all VERY GLAD that it was pretty much for sure just his way of confirming the Tesla theory (see yesterday) because UGGGGHHH HORRIBLE. Louis, NO! But there’s literally just no possible way it can just be fully disconnected from the Tesla theory talk so… yeah. Tesla theory #CONFIRMED, wow- it feels like a million years since we had anything concrete, so that feels pretty nice to be honest. I can’t believe Louis found a loophole where him following a vile creep is actually kind of cool, fucking typical- still, I do hope he unfollows at some point. I get why he did it, following Tesla (the brand) direct would be too on the nose, he never does take a step without that plausible deniability/ SBB-fuckery (except apparently for when he said he wanted a tattoo of the number 369, SIGH, but how could we have been expected to understand that with no context? It simply wasn’t realistic), but still ewww.

Anyway he was online lots yesterday and today (so again no way in hell he missed the Tesla theory and just happened to follow Musk); he also commented on a UA post where they drew attention to the merch company’s announcement that the 369 drop merch would only be available for one day. Not so said Louis, “must have been some wires crossed.” It is limited, but not that limited! 28 days? Through May 28? Who knows but it’s set to ship out May 28, because of course it is. He also liked a post about a new DMAs song and came online to ask how we’re doing. He recced some music-- first a band, Bilk, and he responded to a question asking for female artist recs to suggest singer songwriter Celeste (recently seen in the gucci beloved campaign). He sent love to India, said he was “really happy with the designs” of the new merch, and said that a good name for a puppy was John which absolutely is not true but this man named his dog after a felonious publicist as a weird flex so like why be surprised. If “John” has some kind of interesting secret meaning he’s going to have to give us a LITTLE more than that to go on though! Bilk were psyched by the attention once they figured out what was happening-- “wtf is going on hahaha” they tweeted first (and with good reason; their previous tweets have like 200 mentions, that one has 12k!) Louis liked their tweet saying thanks for the mention.

Gym and Coffee, also overwhelmed by but enjoying the flood of clicks that come with a 1D boost, answered questions with lots of cute pictures of model!Niall pretending to shop and posing with things. Most of the questions were boring but bravo to the person who sent in just the word phenomeNIALL and to whoever posted it, that’s the stuff. I choose to believe it was CEO NIALL HORGAN, who posted it because if you think I’m done talking about Niall’s porn actor alter ego that man, you are sadly mistaken! Just because Louis was distracting doesn’t mean I’m letting this die anytime soon, it is too ridiculous!

Harry is nominated for a Billboard Music Award- Top Radio Songs Artist- and Liam posted about UNICEF’s efforts to vaccinate- “it’s so important we have the opportunity to get vaccinated.” Meanwhile, the Twix twitter (the candy bar) said that Louis and Harry were “a duo as amazing as TWIX duh”, tweeted “larry is real” and defended it in mentions, and chatted with louies about streaming Walls and which merch to buy.

[nox212]

Help! I’m fat and I’m supposed to be fit!

So today I figured i’d try something new and document my weight loss (if any). I’m not even sure where to start this so I guess i’ll introduce myself. My name is Nox and i’m something of a giant as my friends call me. I’m 6′8″ heavily tattooed and pretty easy going. My friends like to call me the gentle giant. I’m 280 pounds as of writing this...... two hundred and eighty fucking pounds jesus. I enjoy Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and loads of video games, I enjoy reading and just hanging out with my dog and friends. what most of people dont know is that I hate how I look. Like absolutely hate it. Most of my friends think im overly confident but seriously I have anxiety just leaving the house. Also I hate writing, but thats kind of why im trying this approach. Me and food have a horrible relationship, I emotionally eat and I work in a very emotionally demanding job which means I eat all the time. Im hoping to improve my eating habits and get down to somewhere near 240 and hopefully improve my writing capabilities. Im also a horrible procrastinator if thats what you would call it. Its pretty much to the point of me saying oh i want to do that but idk if i can because of (insert excuse) im honestly trying to break away from that though. I just dont know how to or even what the right way would be and its terrifying to ask. Now if your still reading this and saying to yourself this sucks and the grammar is horrible I know. I dont really understand grammar and i’m okay with that. I just hope that I can put some of my thoughts, workouts, and meals to be able to reflect on them in the future. I’ve never used Tumblr before and have no idea with how it works so please forgive me for whoever reads this. As for the workouts im going to try to keep it simple. I was reading up and found the Push/Pull splits work best so im going to be doing  cardio for 15 min every day with wed being my heavy cardio day and legs attempting 30/45 min of cardio for the first month and increasing it after. Mon and Thur will be chest/ tri/ shoulders. Tue/Fri will be Back and Biceps. As for food I have no idea what im going to do. I was thinking Low carb high protein but I honestly have no clue what someone my size is supposed to be eating how much is just enough and how much is to much?? How the hell does anyone figure this out? Im pretty sure I couldnt do the whole 5/6 meal things some body builders do I just cant afford that. If anyone reads this and has tips let me know. thanks for reading my rambling as i try to figure this whole health thing out. thanks and until next time -Nox

HEIGHT:6′8″

WEIGHT: 280

AGE:28

GOAL: 240 BY 05/01/2020

[leehall11-blog]

Letter from the ex

I have to tell you something that happened last week and you're gonna be excited. It's something you've wanted me to do for a long time. I rode the elevator with the black EVS worker we used to fantasize about fucking me. He caught me checking out the big bulge in his scrubs, so he looked at my big tits and started talking to me. He started with small talk, then asked me what time I usually go to lunch. I said anytime mostly, so he asked me out. I've actually seen him a lot in the hospital lately, which is why I've been thinking about finding a black lover like you wanted me to (I hope his cock is the 12 inches I fantasized about). Well, his name is Michael, and he and I went to lunch at Chevys on 185th the next day. As we sat in a booth, he started kissing me and feeling my tits. Then he reached under the table and slipped his hand in my scrub pants. He started to rub my ass like you loved to do, then he started fingering me. He slid a couple thick fingers in my pussy and it was so tight... it felt so good. It'd been a long time since I've had anything huge in me...not since I started fucking Ryan last yr at the house. You remember him, Joe's friend that lived with us...he did have a thick 12 inch cock like I'd hoped. I did what you wanted me to do and let him catch me staring at his big cock when he was coming out of the shower one day. Then, the next day he caught me in the kitchen with only a t-shirt on, and It was a night that the kids and Joe were gone so we were all alone. We ended up fucking that night on his bed and every day til he moved out. Anyway, back to Michael. After lunch, he invited me to his place for lunch the next day, which is right next door to the hospital. Of course I said yes. So, the next day I showed up at his door and the second I got inside, Michaels huge hands were all over me and started kissing me real deep....

I took my scrub top and bra off so he could suck on my nice big tits (they are 38DD's now). Once he was sucking on them, I worked my hands down to his cock and I could feel it run down one leg...it was so long and the head was huge...and it wasn't even hard yet. After 5 min of kissing, his hands all over my ass and tits, he pulled me into his room where we rushed to take our clothes off while still kissing. I wanted to suck his long cock for a few min but it had grown so much, I could barely get the head in. After stroking it with my long fingers, I struggled to get it all in. Then I stood up and whispered in his ear "fuck me with your huge black cock". First, he laid me back on his bed, worked his way up my body to slip his hard cock between my tits. I got instantly wet when realizing just how long it was when I was able to get 6 inches of black cock in my mouth as I wrapped my big tits around it. After about 5 min of that, Michael slid down my body and lined that huge cock up with my shaved pussy and slowly worked it in. It must have taken 15 min to get the huge head and shaft in, but once I felt his tennis ball sized balls hit my ass, he started fucking me real hard. His cock must have been over a foot long and as thick as a can and I could feel every inch. You used to tell me a really long cock could enter the womb and now I know it's true. We fucked for 20 min in every position... me riding him, doggy style (his fav because I really arch my back and he loved grabbing my big hips), and him on top...my bare feet on his shoulders, my hands on his ass pulling and deep kissing. He kept asking if I liked his black cock and all I could do was say "yes, yes, the length is making me so wet it’s so so long and it’s super thick". I told him to keep fucking me real deep and hard. Then he asked me if I wanted his black cock every day and I told him I did, but more importantly, my pussy wants his black cock. He then told me to tell him where I wanted him to cum, so I told him to cum in my married white pussy. He really wanted me to beg, so I said "cum in me hard. Your cocks in my womb and if you cum, you'll make me pregnant with your baby for sure. I want to feel your hot cum shoot in me. Please cum in me and make me pregnant. Please". I think I really wanted his baby at that point, so it wasn't hard begging for it. I knew he wanted to knock me up and told me he hadn’t cum in a week...he had so much cum. I could feel it squirt deep in my pussy for almost a minute. We kissed as his cock started to soften and I told him I wanted to fuck him everyday and to feel him shoot his cum in me and make me pregnant. After what had been the best fuck of my life, we got dressed. As I walked out the door, he kissed me and asked me back the next day. I said yes, naturally, and that I couldn't wait. He said he'd have another huge load for my pussy and I'd be knocked up by the weekend. It's been a week now and I have fucked new my black boyfriend Michael every day at lunch and, as much as I love it when it takes a lot of time to work a huge cock in, I love that it just slides in me like a glove now. Last Thur I went over to Michaels place after work and we fucked for hours trying to make a baby. I love it when he grabs my ass with both his hands as he pounds my pussy. I usually grab his dark muscular ass at the same time and we end up pulling each other into one another real hard. He loves it when I walk around his place naked, and my big full tits bouncing. His cock is so long, he can walk up in front of me, spread my legs while standing and push his cock in.

We have even fucked in my car and in the bathroom at work. I love getting him real hard before he bends me over and fucks me hard in the bathroom. It's a little harder in my car, but when he brings his SUV, it's awesome. We crawl in the back, get totally naked and fuck....where he can really fuck me with my legs over his shoulders...which I love. He also gets in so fucking deep with that really long black cock when I’m on my stomach and he fucks my pussy, and ass from behind. He's totally made my pussy his and stretched it. I didn't think I could love sex anymore than I already do, and I don't know why I waited so long to try black cock. I just wish you would have just had that one black guy with the 12 inch cock just come over when we were fucking one day and fuck me. I told you that I wouldn't mind having a baby with you, but now I want his black baby....a few of them. I'm thinking I need to get that tattoo you've been wanting me to get...right on the ankle. Then when we go out, people will know how much I love black cock. I've gotten some heels and a skirt so people see the spade on my ankle. You'll like me in my short skirts and heels. I even let him fuck my ass last Thur and I am so addicted to black cock now. I must have cum 100 times the first time he stuffed his huge cock in my ass. I hope you realize I'm going to keep fucking him whenever I want...and whenever he wants and come see you with a pussy full of Michaels cum. I told him he owns my white pussy and that its made for his cock. He even said he'd invite a few of his hung brothers to come over to his place and help him fuck me and make sure I'm pregnant. He says they all have cocks that are over 10 inches and real thick. I can't wait to have his 13 inches in my pussy while I suck on one of his friends black cock. I was actually going to bring Michael to your place and be there with him when you got home from work one day. You'd open your front door and hear me moaning upstairs in your room. Im hoping you can hear me begging for his cum while telling him that I love his huge black cock. Then you'd come up the stairs and peek in to see my bare feet spread wide over his arms as he fucks me real hard. Then see him kiss me real deep, slide both his hands under my ass and watch my hands on his ass. I can feel it push into me....his thick black cock stretching me out. I just want you to watch him fuck me with his huge cock, as his giant cum filled black balls ready to dump his load of cum in me and knock me up. And, as you know, I'm always very fertile, so I'm sure after his first load he pumped in me Wednesday, I got pregnant with his baby. I'm expecting my boobs to get real big in the next 4-5 months...probably 40DD's I'm sure....naturally. Enjoy.

[noheroes-allowed]

excursion 10/18 pt2

I was literally exhausted at the concert yesterday and my knees were ridiculously sore, but still no rugrats! it was nice catching up with my friend and going to the show and talking about my life crisis and the future and our stress

but the guy in front of us was kinda annoying and I wish he was shorter rip and the girl in front of us was kinda annoying too like she was being really judgey about someone taking videos of the show and not “properly” enjoying it like yeesh some people like looking back and remembering

it was a really interesting crowd though, like there were such a wide range of people and it was really sophisticated? I guess bc the crowd was older but it was a different experience

I wish I knew the lyrics better but it was still really nice to be there but my tiredness definitely affected my experience sad, bon iver’s songs are dreamy and want to relax so then I got even more tired and want to close my eyes

also his mannerisms when he sings are great I love how into the lyrics he is

last week I said I want a tattoo that means something to me but I didn’t know what I care about lol, but I think I might consider symbols for songs or albums I really love idk

R, chocolate, elephant puppet, carrots and hummus, the office, jeremy, headphones, $75 space bar, handcuffs, dessert, roof, kitchen, bathroom, candle, not boring, $1 million, jail, moscow mule

reminder: I need to try some south campus fries

being home has been fun :) I might graduate early and get a mps, but also wow I have so much work to do and I’m exhausted again wow I should’ve left thurs night or something

[honeybellsurveys]

(-。-;

What is the easiest website to pass time on? Tumblr or youtube.  What’s the last place you left early, and what was your reason? I don’t remember.  Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? Mid day/afternoon. Would you rather visit London or Paris? Paris.

Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? Nope :-)

Pick a flavor: pumpkin or apple? Pumpkin.  Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? Water.  What kind of milk do you usually use? Almond or cashew.  What is the best type of donut? Sour cream glaze.  What was your last great garage sale find? I haven’t been to a garage sale in years.  Do you like thrift stores? Yep. When was the last time you ran into someone that you didn’t want to see? Can’t remember.  Was anyone rude to you today? Nope.  What is your town known for? The giant lookout it has.  Who is your favorite set of twins on youtube? I don’t have a fav set of twins I'm not one of those girls lmao.  Do you like to watch DIY craft videos? Not really. What are you regretting right now? Nothing atm.  Who was the last person who was rude to you? Dunno. Would you ever let the barista at Starbucks make a random drink for you? Nah I don't even really like Starbucks. Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks? No. Have you ever left a note in a library book? Nope. What time of day do you prefer to wash your hair?  Night. What is the worst job you’ve ever had? Working in a giant boring warehouse for my dad’s company all by myself.  What is the best job you’ve ever had?

Just a babysitter I guess lmao, I haven’t had many jobs.  What job do you want to have? Teacher :) What are you passionate about? Music. Have you ever tried vlogging, and if yes, did you stick with it? I haven’t and I won't.  ^Same question with blogging. Have you? Nope not unless Tumblr counts. 

Do you have to alter a lot of your clothes? No. What country do you most want to visit? Japan. Do you have chronic pain? No. If you go to church, what is your favorite thing about it? Nothing lmao. ^and what is your least favorite thing about it?

Idk, a lot of people in the church can be very judgemental.  Did you go to church this week?

Nah. What is something that’s bothering you right now? That I know I have to get up super early for class tmo.  Are you happy right this instant? I am very content, yes. What’s your favorite fall beverage? Chai latte or pumpkin spice cappuccino. 

Do you exercise daily? No hahaha.  What do you do for exercise? Shit all.  Is your room/house cluttered? Nope. Do you live in a house, condo, apartment, or dorm? Dorm. Were your college years the best years of your life? This is my first college year and so far it is.  What was your favorite class in high school? History.  Which class in high school did you hate the most? Math. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it? Nope. What color is your lava lamp? Don’t have one. Do you have an inspiration board? No but I have one filled with things that make me happy.  Where do you store old photos? Idk, on my phone? Do you have photos on the wall in your bedroom? Yep. Favorite scent for a candle? I love fall scents.  Would you ever film a youtube video with no make-up on and messy hair? I wouldn’t film one PEROIDT.

What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? I have these billowy homemade silk pants n they are for sure my most comfortable pants. Do you cry a lot? Yes, I have been calming down lately though.  Do you keep up to date with the latest technology? Yes.  Would you ever want to live in a big city, like New York or Chicago? Maybe, idk though.  What about a big city sounds appealing to you? How you have access to pretty much everything you could want there. Do you wish you had more money to do the things you want to do? Don’t we all.  Do you prefer college-ruled or wide-ruled? Whom? Pencils or pens? Pens. Favorite ink pen color? Red. What are you craving right now? Nothing. Do you have a sweet tooth? Sometimes . Do you need to lose weight? I could do with losing a few pounds but I don’t need to.  Do you need to gain weight? No.  Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? I don’t have a fav.  Have you ever won a prize at the age guessing booth? The WHOM?

What’s your favorite movie that you remember seeing in the theater? I saw the new Halloween movie Sunday and I loved it!! What was the name of your very first imaginary friend? Link from tloz was my first imaginary friend, I never made him up but I would always say I was hanging with my boyfriend Link hehe.  Do you know anyone who has ten cats? No, sounds like a dream though. Have you ever had a cat? Yes I love them very much <3 Have you ever had a dog? Yep, miss her always.  Have you ever any other kind of animal? Fish, frogs, chickens, ducks and I had a rabbit for a short time too.  Have you ever had a pet rock? Nope I didn't go through that stage.  Which Olympic sport would you most like to be a pro in? Have you ever played this sport? Swimming and yes I used to swim competitively every summer for most of my childhood/ early teen years.  What were you voted in the senior class polls? Most likely to become famous and most likely to fall asleep in class haha.  Who was your favorite teacher in high school? My French n math teacher, I also really liked my bio teacher too, I was taught by lotsa awesome teachers.  Do you own a bobblehead? No. What’s on your desk? My Mac, keurig, a couple binder, a phone, a mug full of pens and pencils, a case of thumbtacks, a mug full of makeup brushes and other beauty tools and a glass of water lol.  Do you love someone who treats you like a piece of shit? Nope don’t love that.  Isn’t loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way horrible? Of course.  What’s your favorite DIY Halloween costume that you’ve seen? Not sure.  What is your favorite gender-neutral name? Alex or Lee.  Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? A little bit of a mix.  What is your favorite type of braid? I have no idea what it’s called but I've been seeing this braid trending lately and it’s so beautiful.  What is your favorite spice? Cajun and curry.  Favorite Spice Girl? Idk. Favorite Cheetah Girl? ^ Backstreet Boys or *N Sync? *N Sync  Were you a boy band fan? Yep. What decade were you born in? 00. What is your favorite coffee shop? Harbour grounds or Tims.  What is your favorite tattoo that you’ve seen? Not sure, I got one today and i’n in mad love w/ it. What is something you have too many of? Clothes.  What collection are you thinking of starting? None rn. Do you collect anything now? If so, what? I collect crystals n weird/random trinkets I find. When was the last time you painted something? Last year during senior year. Do you have any disabilities? I have t1 diabetes if that counts.  Do you have any unique or hidden talents? Not really. Do people call you gifted? Sometimes, depends on who you're talking to about me. Do people call you unique? Yes, quite often.  Do you get bullied? No. Do you own a dreamcatcher? I have one back home.  What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? Dynamite, garage, the X-store, and I can’t think of two more I love oops.  When was the last time you went to Michael’s? Never been there.  Do you knit or crochet? Nope. Do you enter craft projects in your county’s fair? ^ What modes of transportation do you use? Car.  What is your least favorite chore? Not sure, probably washing dishes.  What is the best gift you have ever given someone? No idea.  What is the best gift you have ever received? My Mac book hehe. Have you ever made a decision that you regret? Not really, I am not someone with regrets.  Do you make your own greeting cards? No lmao. What color feather boas do you own? None. Do you use colored hangers? All mine are white.  Do you organize your clothes by color? I only do that with my underwear.  What time does your alarm go off in the morning? 8:30 mon, weds, fri n 7:40 tues n thurs. What was your favorite toy as a child? My n64 and gamecube ,barbie dream house and littlest pet shops.  What do you want to name your first child? Lucy :) List ten favorite girls names. Fuck no bAby. List ten favorite boys names. ^ What season do you want to get married in? Spring or summer I think, I kinda want an ethereal eleven wedding with lots of green nature.  Is your Pinterest cluttered? No it’s extremely organized haha. Are you a trendsetter? You could say that. Do you want to be a trendsetter? I’m indifferent.  What was the last great book you read? Not sure. Are you a free spirit? For sure.  Has anyone called you a free spirit? Yes. Do you get more compliments or insults? Compliments.  Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Probably.  What is your favorite insect? Orchid mantis.  What bugs scare you? Big spiders, maggots, earwigs and other grubs.  What was your favorite vacation? I loved Disney world but also had a great time in P.E.I this summer.  Who picked your name, your mom or your dad? They both agreed upon it after meeting someone with my name. What is your first and middle name? U ain’t need ta know.  What were some other names your parents were considering when they had you? Cece or Virgina lmao.  What are your siblings’ names? ^^ Do you own any Lularoe leggings? Nope. What was the last thing you bought online? A moisturizer from Sephora.  Do you enjoy public speaking? Not at all. 

[absolutebl]

This Week In BL - October Is Looking Chunky

Sept 2022 Wk 5

Happy fall everyone! 

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying the most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

The Eclipse (Fri YT) Ep 8 of 15 - The pacing is starting to feel off and I am getting frustrated with the plot. That said, K is such a killer actor. And Aye is so damn pushy but with emotions as well a physical affection, he exposes his own vulnerability as a kind of benevolent attack on Akk to instill trust and worth and value and safety. Akk is just so scared and closeted. This whole narrative is less about love than it is about courage. Whether that is courage to live or courage to love. 

Vice Versa (Sat on YT) Ep 12fin - They are very cute and domestic boyfriends, and I realize GMMTV often does domesticity with their couples in the final episode. I’m thinking about the fantastic final ep of Dark Blue Kiss. “Celebrity coming out for love” is very Love Stage!!  Interesting that they advertised Not Me at the end, does that mean we have no new BL in this time slot from GMMTV next week? Curious choice they still have 4 more from their 2022 lineup.* I half expected the high school one. 

So what do I have to say about Vice Versa? 

It’s a solid BL with a weak plot but a strong concept. It’s very well acted and Jimmy remains the most charismatic talent that GMMTV currently fields. I hope we get more of this pair, either together or separated. That said, this is never going to be one of my top rewatch rotations, so I’m calling it for an 8/10. RECOMMENDED 

My Only 12% (Fri iQIYI) Ep 8 of 15 - Oh goody more pain. Look I like the noona romance thread. It’s obvious she had to break his heart, it’s what I would’ve done, it’s what Minato should have done. But it was still sad to watch. This is a well cast show. Sniffling at the end of this ep. Looking forward to seeing Siew come into his own and Cake crumble while they are apart. 

Ai Long Nhai (Mon iQIYI) Ep 1 of 10 - Words cannot adequately describe how much I dislike the credit sequence and music on this show. I nearly DNFed before a single line was spoken. The subs are also not good, but my Thai is getting better so I don’t mind as much as I once did. The show leads us out with: Slow motion + instalove + tons of familiar faces + some very terrible sound effects. Pretty much standard pulp territory. Despite all this, I actually kinda like it and they are so pretty. A rare sunshine/sunshine pairing! Nhai is an adorable idiot and Ai is confident king and I’m chortling away. Also GAY DADS played by IRL husbands Arm & Porsch! We’re good here, I’m happy. 

Work from Heart (Thurs YouTube) Ep 2 of 7 - Cute ex boyfriends. Thank god for uniforms. But now evil ex is overly aggressive. I’m getting Check Out vibes and that’s not a good thing. I love the tattooed actor who plays Guy, I wish he’d get more roles. I loved him in Ingredients too. 

Love in the Air (Thurs iQIYI) Ep 7 of 13 - It was a fine ending to the first couple and a good (if audio dubious) start to the second. I made more puns in the DUMPSTER FIRE TRASH WATCH ALONG HERE.

Fahlanruk (Sun GaGa) 3 of 12 - And now identical twins? SERIOUSLY?  The show sucks so bad. The story of 2 players never runs deep. Absolutely nothing happened this episode. I might drop this one. 

* GMMTV’s remaining 2022 BL line up is:

My School President - which I expected to be in VV’s time slot.

Moonlight Chicken - EarthMix’s next one, probably what they are working on next

Be My Favorite - recasting 

Never Let Me Go - filming now (assuming this will take on Eclipse’s time slot) 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Takara-kun and Amagi-kun (Japan Thurs GaGa & Viki) 6 of 8 - This is my favorite BL currently airing BY A LANDSLIDE. 24 minutes of pure agony and joy. It just makes me so happy but it’s also so high school angst and traumatic to live through. This is the best of Japanese BL, I keep getting a feel of Seven Days off it and I don’t mention that comparison lightly. Takara is SO CORNEY. Also. THAT ENDING. Yes. Exposed! No more secrets! Squee! I can’t wait to see what happens next week. 

Once Again (Korea Fri GaGa) 5-6 of 8 - This show. I swear it’s so in the throat creepy and tense (in a Kassandra the mad prophet way) but also weirdly sweet. Poor Ji Hoon, he’s such a nice guy in a world just has a in for him one way or another. I’m glad both actors are so good since it’s the whole reason to watch this. I’ve no idea how they are going to manage to resolve it, but it looks like we get a cute date next ep!  

It’s Airing But I’m Not Watching It

War of Y - too hard on my soul. Will I watch it eventually? Maybe? Probably not. I think we have an ITSAY situation going on here. Also BL Express was not best pleased, and I while we rarely share taste, in this instance I trust their reporting.

My Tempo - a Thai BL movie about the Thai music industry. Yeah, no thank you.

Oh My Sunshine Night - I’m scared it’s gonna be sad, so I’m waiting for spies to tell me it’s safe

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us - ditto above

In Case You Missed It 

More Than Words (Japan indie subbed by furritsubs) - TIP ‘EM if you like em!)  All the eps have dropped, so I binged it. Basically the definition of moody arthouse smackdoodle. Makki is an outgoing but mysterious boy with secret pain. Eiji is the an older gay boy struggling with identity. Mieko is a broken angry girl who both makes them work as a couple and aches to belong with them. This is a story about all 3 and their complicated interweaving relationship. It’s about love and intimacy in all its many faceted forms. This is not, and I'm being very clear here, a romance. In fact this is not a romantic show in any way. It’s poetic, sad, and wistful. Is it beautiful and a little lovely? Yes. Did I like it? No. For BL stans like me? NOT RECOMMENDED. For the ITSAY and YNEH folks... have at. BL Express likes this kind of thing and did a great review. 

Zero Supporter featuring EarthMix in their KornWin roles dropped. Look these two are just so cute together. They aren’t as good at this premise as OffGun were in Our Skyy, tho. Still, ultimately, I like this special better than the original Cupid’s Last Wish. 

NetJames (forthcoming BL Bed Friend) portray a BL side couple in Thai drama Catch Me Baby starting Oct 6 on WeTV. 

Semantic Error won Best Couple at the APAN Star Awards 2022. And Jaechan won the Popularity Award. 

Gossip

Thai casting call went out for the world’s first omegaverse BL Midnight Fortune. Twitter went as pearl-clutchingly hysterical over it as we might expect. It's not my thing personally and I doubt I will like it (frankly I doubt it'll be very good, either, the plot looks like it was written by MAME & Jittirain) but you better believe I will dumpster fire trash watch this SO HARD if it airs. It's about time Thai BL started to get seriously experimental in its cinemagraphic life cycle. It will be gloriously whackdoodle. I did have it down for Japan first, Thailand is so plucky! 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting: Mon: To Sir With Love AKA Khun Chai - Thai (10 eps 40 min ea) on One31HD & possibly WeTV. Kabe Koji - Japan (10 eps 20 min ea) on Viki.  Weds: Ghost Host, Ghost House - Thai (5 eps 30 min? ea) YouTube for reruns. Sat: Big Dragon - Thai (8 ep 40 min ea) reruns on Star Hunter’s YT. Sun: Remember Me - Thai (8 ep 40 min ea) Gaga. 

FULL October 2022 line up is here. 

This week’s best moments?

Fucking awesome Takara. 

This year’s Namgoong Award for BEST WINGMAN goes to Katori in Takara & Amagi. He’s glorious. 

Ai Long Nhai calling itself out. 

And again. 

Eclipse being a tease. 

My Only 12% pulling our heart strings.

Vice Versa, beat that drum honey! 

I LOVE a back hug. 

(last week)

Current earworm? JJ Project (fetal GOT7) Coming Home 

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 17 June ‘21

Liam posted video from his run this morning, with pal Conor and a picture of… his new blond hair?! It’s TRUE, he really did it!! None of this Niall business (see below), when Liam teases a thing he goes right ahead and DOES THAT THING, love that for us. He said, “after such an incredible day with the art launch I felt the courage,” and “I was very nervous but I love it,” and “discord chat made me do it,” haha. Remembering him talking about wanting to bleach his hair in the past but being told he wasn’t allowed by management, this is a happy day! Go Liam. Fans flipped and his blond hair trended and Liam posted a shirtless blond bedtime video to say thanks for all the love.

And as for that art launch, well: continuing the ongoing theme of me being confused about Liam’s NFTs (I do like to be consistent) I guess he DID post all of it for us to see SORRY I thought those were previews or something? I DON’T KNOW I’M SORRY MY BAD. You would really think they would have made a bigger deal about that? Well; there was a lot going on. Anyway so the different ones ARE posted to his insta (or uh copies of them which is a whole thorny philosophical debate isn’t it, whether copies are or aren’t different than the versions one can own, it all depends on your view of NFTs) but ANYWAY we CAN see the Lonely Bug content and it’s poignant and very pretty honestly. The one of the bug trying and failing to rest while camera shutters and flashes click continuously in the background especially is really intense. APOLOGIES LIAM for my mistake, ugh.

Niall is making rash promises for if Our Song hits number one, only this time for Anne Marie instead of himself- he said she’d do a “live sky dive on tiktok”! Promises promises, but it was Ashe who gave the fans the content we want today; she not only posted shirtless Niall video to celebrate 1 year of their collab version of Moral of the Story, but also goofy rehearsal footage and, my personal favorite, Niall with an American accent impersonating a news anchor reporting on election returns! LOL. Anne Marie had a pretty competitive offer, saying Niall would get a TATTOO (live on tiktok) but that was simply too much to even kid about for Niall- “Ok jokes over. Just a number 1 would be nice,” he said.

And a ‘For Your Emmys Consideration’ ad uses a picture of Harry’s Grammys performance which raises all kinds of fascinating questions- would it be a special kind of EGOT if someone got the Emmy for getting a Grammy?? Way to streamline the process if that was what was going on, but sad news, the Emmy would actually go to Ben Winston for the broadcast, not to Harry: ugh. Liam, who unlike me actually likes Ben Winston, commented on the post “love this… my two guys couldn’t be more proud”, and Niall liked the post.

[teribylund-art-poetryntravel]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Teri (@monetrenua)

Good News this last week on my left side biopsy Last Thur No Cancer! Yea! Im beyond ecstatic for this awesome news. I go in this Fri for the right sides mastectomy. I'll be in the hospital till Sun. Then I go into recovery mode for the next 3-4 months as my Dr informed me. So this last weekend/this week I wanted to get out & about as much as possible. I saw a plastic surgeon on Tue to learn how the reconstruction would go & which got me thinking about how painful this is going to be. I'm scared but I know I'll get through it w/faith. Sat. was a wonderful day/night out we even saw the 5th 'Pirates Of The Caribbean' what a fun movie! Earlier we were walking by this wall of ivy it was 🤣so funny & I had to laugh at how loud these birds were when we heard this cacophony of tweets & 🎶 by hundreds of nesting sparrows! These little birdies had tons of nesting babies all calling for food at the same time! I feel birds are probably the most worn out brow beaten parents on the planet! New chicks have their little beaks open for food on a nonstop basis insistent on being fed constantly. What's a poor bird to do but relent to the nagging brood? A dear friend of mine had a set of twins (boy Tylor & a girl Madi) who were much like these baby birds. We'd finish cleaning up breakfast when they'd be ready for a pre-lunch snack. I once said they reminded me of open mouthed baby birds always pointing to their mouths. The reference just stuck they became her lil' birds! I still love these lil birds who've flown from the nest now at 19yrs old. I'm grateful for the great times I had while watching them, even when they ran us ragged, kept us up all hours of the night & those hysterical late night car rides to get them to sleep at the same time! There was always something happening but my heart is indelibly tattooed w/joyful memories of those adorable twins! I wasn't blessed w/my own children but I was lucky to have the mothering experience I had growing up w/my siblings as the oldest then again w/the twins. Now I feel grateful to have an amazing niece who's an awesome single mom @kristengolightly to her beautiful lil tribe. I love her & her 3 babies so much! (at Thanksgiving Point)

[yearinthejournal-blog]

January 7th

2008

Life is glorious! This past week has been one of the best in my life simply because of the changes that have occurred in me.

I went to the Rexburg Temple open house on Tuesday. It was so wonderful. The temple is beautiful and  big and I feel such a peace being there. I am so excited to one day go through to get my endowments. I do have to say that my favorite part was the sealing room - a couple kneels across from each other on an altar and are sealed together for time and all eternity. Oh I just can’t fathom the intense joy I will have when I get to kneel across from the man I love to marry him. The only sad part was as I looked around, I realized I was the only one there without a family. I was all by myself. But I am proud to be a member of this church of Jesus Christ and I hope I can be “a light on the hill” for my family to see. I hope the changes in me testify of the truthfulness of this Gospel. I know that if my dad were to soften his heart and be willing to act upon whatever answer he received, if he prayed to know what the truth is, he would find it. Our Father in Heaven loves us so much and wants desperately to have us with Him again one day. Through the Atonement of Christ, we can come to have the great purpose and happiness in our life that God intends for us.

The rest of the week, not much happened. I helped Jamie around the house and with Lyla. I moved in on Saturday. The first step I took into my new home bought feelings I can barely describe. I really feel like this is a home - a home I can take care of, take refuge in, feel safe. A place I love coming back to. I had the greatest time just putting all my kitchen stuff away and decorating my room. One of my new roommates, Heather, is so sweet and nice. She seems like such a faithful innocent girl and I’m so thankful to be living with her. The other one, Megan, I haven’t met yet.

Church on Sunday was fantastic - I learned so much and my ward is excellent! The bishopric is amazing and the people seem so nice. I had dinner with Charlene, and I got to video chat with Ron, which was so nice. We had scripture study together and discussed what we learned. I miss him so much. He is doing okay. He had to take a break from talking to me for a while, but I think our friendship will last.

Today was Charlene’s birthday! Jackie and I made breakfast for her and to get her over here, Jackie called her and told her there was a fire! Which wasn’t a lie because we had lit a candle. Charlene came bounding over and when she got inside, we started singing happy birthday! Oh it was so great. Charlene and I ran some errands then made cookies and popcorn balls for our relief society and some apartments in somerset. Then we pulled an FHE together which ended with a surprise party for Charlene and Oliver and we played games.

I have learned so much and changed so much already. From reading about Emma Smith, I desire to be valiant like she was. I checked out some books about her - the one I’m reading right now is called “Emma’s Glory and Sacrifice.” It is so good. That woman went through so much and never did it grudgingly, never complained, never got angry. She was “never found wanting.” I have received so much strength from her story that I find myself much the same way - after all, my life is no where near what hers was. But I have stopped complaining and have not allowed myself to think my life is difficult. I feel more inclined to impart of my substance.

But I have learned two wonderful things. I did not eat much this past week because I felt bad at Jamie’s eating her food. So by the time fast Sunday rolled around, I simply was too weak to fast. I learned that fasting is not enough; I need to prepare to fast.

Also, Jackie taught an amazing lesson in RS that helped me a lot. And I know this is because she had the Spirit so strong with her. It just struck me how important it is to always have the Spirit with us, not just for ourselves, but because we can change lives, just like Jackie’s lesson changed. It’s another one of the many reasons that have the Spirit with me is so strong.

2012

The week After I wrote last, Things were amazing. I was so happy and “on track”. But then I started slipping again, and drinking and waking up day after day feeling empty and painfully uncomfortable about each previous night. We got a new roommate. Mary, who I don’t remember if I wrote about, moved out. Mary was an incredible person. Honest and genuine and down to earth as they come. But someone named Noah moved into her room and he is equally as amazing. Intelligent and calm and impressive in his ability with words. I made cards and candy and gave them out. Christmas came and  by this time, I was exhausted from the endless drinking and Cameron’s insufferable drunkenness. My time with his family over xmas was horrible and I was cold and selfish the whole time. I missed Noah. I have feelings for Noah, but I know he is way out of my league and he is leaving in a few months. It will be, yet again, unbearable.

NYE, Rachel and Carter came over and we got wasted in the bathroom and ugh...I feel so gross about it. I’m not sure why. I hate being drunk. NYD was possibly the worst day of my life. Worse than the cocaine weekend that prompted me to start going back to church again. Cameron left that morning, drunk, to go hang out  with some random guy he didn’t even know that called his phone on accident. He was gone all day into the late night and I hated him and as far as I was concerned, we are now broken up. I SWORE not to drink again and last night, Rachel and Carter came over and we went to Mars Bar, then came home and had a dance party and I can’t believe it, but I didn’t drink! And I feel amazing. I kind of felt like Noah was flirting with me, and that maybe there’s something between us, but I also know Noah is kind of just desperate for sex and maybe just wants to fuck. And I’m not sure I would just fuck him, I like him too much. Cameron didn’t drink all week, and now I don’t hate him anymore. He’s been really pleasant and sweet and not stupid and annoying. I made an account on OK Cupid, a dating site, to find lovers in the Anchorage area and I’ve messaged a couple but no responses, which is maddening. It’s so hard to meet people, and relate to the ones I do meet and I wonder if I’m just that socially inept; or if it’s because of my situation. I saw the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which was amazing and the lead, Lisbeth, has become my new obsession. She gets brutally raped by this guy, but then she goes back, brutally sodomizes him, then tattoos “I am a rapist pig” on his  chest and is really sadistic towards him. It was delicious. I can’t believe this was in a movie. 

About Mormonism - I am going to stop going to church for a while. I think I realized I don’t need the church - as long as I stick to certain things, like not drinking, being consistent in my daily habits, working, keeping my room clean, following a budget, being fair to others, etc. I’d never been able to do these things without the structure of the Church before, but I think I can now. I’ve even stopped praying and reading my scriptures and I feel happy still.

Andrew hung out with us a couple of times which was awesome! He’s going to sell me his computer. I’m thinking about buying a smart phone. Subway is going well - I might be promoted to supervisor. I feel good, I can’t believe I feel good.

I have so much to be grateful for, and I am grateful, but I find it hard to be grateful without having a God to be grateful towards - who do I thank for what I have? I don’t want to slip into feelings of entitlement, or worse, apathy, but how does one do that without believing in God? I still feel less conflicted than before though - agnosticism is what makes the most sense to me.

2015

I’m drunk journaling, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I’ve been feeling low lately, like I’m going into a depressive period even though I’ve been motivated and planning and getting stuff done. I feel hopeless and bored and sad no matter what I do. But Ii’m going to try and list what I’m grateful for in hopes that it will energize me.

I’m grateful for my two jobs. I wanted to be a barista for so long and it’s given me the opportunity to do that while accentuating my strengths: efficiency with routine, confidence, by necessity, cleanliness, organization - and working on my many weaknesses. I love and would die for my coworkers. EDI was my road into Anchorage and making the best friendship I have, with Miranda. These jobs have shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m grateful for Kylie for being patient with me in times of extreme weakness and loving me in spite of my flaws, all of which affect her, and I’m not sure why she puts up with me.

I’ve been feeling a lot of low self-esteem and self-doubt lately - I’ve been focusing on my flaws. And I don’t know how to stop. 

2017

I completely forgot I said I’d cover a shift and I didn’t show up for an open on Monday! So I bought a new planner and I LOVE it. I got to help Maria make a budget on Monday and it was so fun and being around Maria is always uplifting. I saw the movie “Jackie” with Kylie that night.

I pray almost every morning that God will send someone for me to help and almost every day it happens. Tues Morgan had a breakdown so I took over her mid. I did step 1- and am trying to do spot checks - when I feel fear, dishonesty, resentment, or selfishness, I 1. Ask for God  to remove it 2. Talk it out 3. Make amends and 4. Turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Talking it out has been tripping me up - I don’t want others to know how often I feel these things, and I don’t want to overwhelm Ashley. I just feel resentment so often at work. But I’m doing my best.

Thurs I went to a mtg - DOR and they need a secretary so I volunteered! I’m so excited/grateful!

I read step 11. First of all, I’ve still been agonizing about LDS, but I realized I’ve only been thinking about myself. Much of step 11 is about focusing on others, how to be useful. “In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don’t struggle.” I don’t really know what to do - it seems as if I just can’t take it easy even - I really don’t want to go to church. And maybe it’s my decision. But why did I get that intense feeling of comfort about it? I realized all the things I put on the list of things I love about LDS - AA now fits these. AA is becoming my church. I think I’m going to leave LDS (AGAIN!!!!!) and not jump into things so fast in the future, especially because my actions affect others.

Parts of step 11 make me uncomfortable: “We are careful to make no request for ourselves only...we are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends, it doesn’t work...Why can’t we take a specific and troubling dilemma straight to God, and in prayer secure from him sure and definite answers to our requests? Quite often the thoughts that seem to come from God are well-intentioned unconscious rationalizations.” I don’t really understand how this is different from how we’re supposed to pray: “Knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. We simply ask that throughout the day God place us in the best understanding of his will that we can have for that day and that we be given the grace by which to carry it out. We pause and renew the simple request: Thy will, not mine, be done.” I feel like a loving God wouldn’t pettily just not answer prayers that aren’t said the “right” way. I feel like I can’t be intimate with God if I can’t say whatever I want.

I went to a new mtg tonight that I liked but I sulked and felt worse after. I talked to Ashley, did a 4th step on step 11, wrote a list of God attributes, and read “Acceptance was the answer” which had a TON of goodies:

- If I could just control the external environment, the internal environment would then become comfortable. Take care of the internal via the 12 steps and the external takes care of itself.

- Not taking a drink is by far the most important thing I do each day.

- When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.

- Acceptance is the answer - when I am disturbed, it is because I find something unacceptable and I can find no serenity until I accept that it is exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.

- When I complain about me or you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork.

- I don’t know what’s good for me or you.

- AA has given me a new pair of glasses.

- Focus not on defects but on what I can add to something, what’s good about it.

- I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.

- I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for God to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to God.

So I still don’t get it, but I’ll go over it with Ashley and I had a revelation tonight. Of course I am doing all this for me, too - but the way to feel good is to focus on others. What is “giving it away to keep it” if not “seeking first the kingdom of God” which thing I decided to focus on a year ago?

[azjumper]

#2017goals

ayye its February! Already a month through this year, and overall I’ve been doing FANTASTIC! Revisiting all my goals and reminding myself of them, so this’ll be a long one...

I’ve been working out 6 days a week, with one day for recovery. Working out is a big part of my life and I’m so glad that I’ve worked it into my daily routine. It no longer feels like a hassle to get to the gym. Mon, Wed, and Fri I go to the gym at a set time, so that my HIIT fits perfectly, tightly into my schedule. It’s a part of the day and I never miss it. Tues, Thurs, and Sat I do LISS, so usually rock climbing. And then Sun is my rest/recovery day. It works out so well for me. I love having a consistent and reliable schedule. I’m glad I no longer have to drag myself to the gym and resent it. I enjoy it a lot :)

I’m about to start week 5 of this challenge/workout program, and so far, Wow I’m loving the results. I don’t see a ton of change in my body, but I know I’m getting stronger. My arms! Yes, MUSCLES AGAIN!! I’ve missed them! These workouts kick my ass and I’m dripping sweat by the end but omfg it feels so good. I love the hard work and the soreness. Six pack here I come!

I’ve also been fantastic about eating right. Still no meat, and I’m continuing to work on less dairy. It hard because even though I love fruits and veggies, I can’t get to the grocery store to stock up so I can reliable eat those foods. So sometimes I get worried I’m nutrient deficient in some areas. I feel great but I almost want to talk to a doctor/nutritionist to make sure I’m getting whats necessary.

Sometimes I get into a bit of a slump with my eating habits. If I’m stressed or bored for a few days in a row, I am not a very healthy eater. I’m trying to work on it though, because I want to be able to face hard times and not throw away all my hard work. I want my healthy, consistent lifestyle to be a support system for me.

In regards to my mental health, things have been okay. My anxiety has kinda been an issue lately, and that’s almost making me more depressed. I want to be able to let it all out but sometimes I don’t even know what’s wrong so I don’t want to tell people. I hate it. And sometimes its soooo hard to practice self-love when BDD keeps telling me I’m not good enough and need to work harder, that I’m not worthy. But god dammit I’m so determined to keep going. I’m working on recognizing these things and working around them. Acknowledging them, but not allowing them to get to me. Slowly but surely.

One thing I’m super excited for is MY TATTOO!!! THIS SUNDAY!!! TOMORROW!!!! I’ve been wanting it for so long and it’s finally happening (much to the disdain of my parents lol). I’ll for sure post pictures. I’m going to take great care of this beautiful piece of artwork. !!!!!!!!

Still working on traveling more. It’s difficult when I don’t have a car, but I get to go out hiking and adventuring with the one guy a lot so thats fun :)

Drinking water, flossing, moisturizing, playing instruments, riding the unicycle. All slowly making progress on. Some more than others, but still doing great. I need to be working on studying Spanish more though! AHH! I always forget. I’ll get better about it.

Wow! That’s all of it! Long post but it needed to get done. Overall, I am extremely happy with my progress and changes I have made in my life, and I’m excited to continue to grow and change as a person. :)

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 4 Feb ‘21

Confirmation is here at last of Harry’s role in the film adaptation of My Policeman, brought to us by queer fave Greg Berlanti (and his husband). Harry will costar with Emma Corrin, who you may remember from the at the time inexplicable seeming Harry/Emma cross promo last August-- given the pains they took then to emphasize that the relationship was platonic, one assumes this film will go for a different promo tactic than the current one! They share a stylist though, so they’ll no doubt be beautifully coordinated. Harry will play Tom, which some people object to on the grounds that Harry is the wrong person to play the role of a closeted man which is certainly… one opinion. Aaaaand there’s plenty more of that discourse (and about him playing a policeman) to come over the coming months so I’ll just leave it there for now! Anyway and as for that current project, we got more DWD set pics today, featuring Harry in various costume outfits! There’s ones where his character looks bloodied, and ones where his character looks clean but absolutely terrifying, grown up frat boy from hell looks to give you CHILLS, plus some of Harry as Harry in a bright orange hoodie designed by his friend Kunichi Nomura.There was also {moustache spoilers} some weird facial hair on display. Okay then!

Project Defenseless has been launched to push Defenseless up in the streaming charts and push for radio play! The fan single project offers resources and organized pushes to get people streaming and promoting on all the platforms and reaching out to radio, and has fans making lots of very cool edits besides! “I see what you’re doing with defenseless! You are all incredible!” said Louis. That song is such a fitting choice for this kind of project! Its journey has been all about the fan response from back when Louis played it for us for the very first time in 2019 (it was the one everyone was screaming about from soundcheck clips for the few hours between that and hearing the songs for real even) and afterwards he told us about how although he’d always liked the song it clicked for him in a new way after getting the fan reaction, saying “something happened to it when I performed it live, and ever since then it really kind of got me,” and “the fans make everything sound amazing, they made it sound so good,” and “the fans for whatever reason really took to this song, so now it has a special place in me heart definitely”. Plus of course there was the long saga of fan stress when it seemed like it might not be on the album and rejoicing when Louis finally definitively confirmed that it would be, after what seemed like might have been a reversal on his part due to the outcry about it. And now she’s climbing all kinds of charts like a the star she is! The song shot up on itunes (#3 worldwide, #1 in 16 countries) just for starters and the project has only just got going. Louis commented on the stats-- “An album track off an album that’s a year old. You lot blow my fucking mind! Thank you so much!”

Louis also commented on a Jack Saunders (BBC indie music DJ) tweet and followed guitarist Johnny Took of the DMAs on twitter which is weird only in that he didn’t already.

There’s news about Zayn’s Zach Sang interview, and it’s not the most surprising news but it is very sad; Zach says “hi beautiful humans, this convo was scheduled for last week but we got a rain check from his team. this conversation can still happen, it ain’t over yet! we’ll keep ya in the loop. I listened to this album 7 times! we’re determined” Well... damn. However Zayn DID pop up with some spon-content but like… the WEIRDEST ad content?? It’s for Coors Light and, well I’ll let Zayn tell you about it! “They’re gonna see if they can put a commercial inside your dreams... which is kind of messed up.” HAHAHAHA I have nothing to add! What Zayn said!!! “So we’re gonna give that a go and uh see if it works,” he says, sounding appropriately skeptical, followed by “wish me luck”. Does this kind of sponcon count as malicious compliance? Technically he DID say the stuff he was supposed to- and he’s doing an instagram live for them Sat, supposedly. I can’t wait to see how that goes! Wish him luck! The latest installment of the NIL comic book video series is also out today, but just one this time instead of a pair. This week’s song is Connexion and the new comic shows us that the figure pursuing our hero is, drumroll-- himself! The call is coming from inside the house!

Unlike interview shy Zayn, however, Gigi is out there ready to overshare, as long as it’s to Vogue. She has plenty to say about giving birth to zaby Khai (newly revealed nickname: Khaiba) at home at the Pennsylvania farm. The article says that they decided to have the birth at home due to COVID placing restrictions on hospital births that would have prevented Bella and Zayn and Yolanda all being present, and after she and Zayn watched the documentary The Business of Being Born. “They placed a blow-up bath in their bedroom and sent their three cats and border collie away when the midwife expressed concern that the sphynx and Maine coon felines might puncture the tub with their claws,” the interviewer learns while horseback riding with Gigi. The article also says Zayn “caught the baby” but it isn’t a direct quote from Gigi and I’m thinking a bit of an exaggeration perhaps. Gigi had the baby at the Hadid family farm but she and Zayn have since relocated to live at his farm, which is nearby, where they say they will be raising the child, with Z’s mom Trisha coming to stay to help out for the first month, that Khai sleeps with them, and that Zayn said his experience of the whole thing reminded him of the birth in a lion documentary they’d watched. Neither mentioned it but it has been spotted that Gigi and Zayn each now have tattoos of the name, Khai, in Arabic.

Meanwhile, Niall surfaced only in golf guy mode- a Modest Golf announcement and a podcast appearance to promote the new Modest initiative to get young people into playing golf. He says they want to “get rid of that thing that’s been holding golf back for a long time, that it’s a boring sport…” and I know he means he’s trying to combat that idea but when I tell you I LAUGHED!

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

🏳️‍🌈 Thurs 13 Feb 🌻

Louis played the Brits Week benefit show tonight at Scala, his first real full length solo just for him show, and...well as Louis said, "Blown away by tonight. Can't quite get my head round it. This was a special and forever memorable moment. The tour is going to be incredible," and, "really can't put into words what happened tonight but it was a break through moment. Thank you. Feeling very excited about what's to come." And now we are all crying forever, or at least until tour starts in a month and we get to watch him bloom like a fucking (nocturnal) sunflower a little more every single night! Still high with a little feeling, Louis then liked a tweet saying "I hope Louis is smoking a nice fat blunt rn," briefly before unliking LOL yes, agree and I will accept that as confirmation. So yeah: the show was amazing, he was shining and talking about how confident he felt and giving the now-usual waves and thumbs ups to the rainbows in the crowd and working the stage and crowd. I love that he can lean right in and have the group hugs and love without being groped or mauled! So cute. Anyway also today, there were special Louis/War Child charity benefit t shirts on sale and Louis said the weirdest fan gift ever was a live grasshopper back in the early days at a signing, that the best thing about being famous is the fans and the worst thing is the intrusiveness and people being "annoying." He will be on Total Access tomorrow.

Oh also Eleanor was at the show: she wrote "proud"...on a picture of herself. Hmm. One wonky 'you tried' star for you I guess. Anyway who cares all I care about is her dad showing up outside after the show, clambering awkwardly over the barricade with help from fans (who were like who is this man what tf is going on), then turning around and being like "I'm Louis' girlfriend's dad! Do you want a picture with me?!" to some fans with a rainbow flag. That one picture was taken (by someone fans called her brother, but based on what?) then off they went into the night. Lol WTF? Lord help us.

We learned that Harry was a busy boy while he was in Miami- he didn't just film a message for Ben Winston's mom, he also filmed spots with James Corden's parents for the Late Late Show! Highlights, salsa dancing wiggly butt, and his mermaid tattoo being blurred out, omg. This just in, Harry's arm is too obscene for network television! Today we got Eroda tweets, one asking for favorite Eroda memories and gifting shirts to a few deemed worthy and one leading up to a video- thirteen minutes and twenty one seconds of Fine Line Live(pt 1) behind the scenes! Much of that time is fan footage but there's some quality Harry as well, like him unfolding his ridiculously long limbs out of his tiny sports car, doing a little TikTok meme dance, and adjusting his titties before the show. What next Harold? Is he playing on the radio tomorrow? Maybe so! Is he also releasing a single, perhaps a video, or what?? Maybe we'll find out more someday.... perhaps....

And that Zayn song? A song claiming to be Fugir (Radio Edit) is on Spotify now, linked to what look like burner accounts for a "Rafael" and "Zayn." It's not unlike leaks that have seemed to be Zayn in the past but would he be leaking this after he just stopped it from coming out? Nothing makes any sense what's new welcome to never knowing anything. [edit wait that Spotify version has been there since Feb 7??? I have no idea y'all. Make it make sense please.]

Meanwhile, Niall tells us he's mixing something special just for us and bragged about getting a follow from Ryan Reynolds. I guess Mr Reynolds is branching out from his Zayn stanning: maybe Deadpool is a Ziall shipper? I buy it. If not, he's probably open to being convinced, someone should get on that.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

⛅️Thurs 5 Dec🌊

LP1 is here!!! Liam played his album release shows and looked just as happy as he should be for the occasion, it's out midnight everywhere so already lots of places leading to much early focus on the the lyric "I’ll (probably) do your ass in the car," goodness Liam, apparently his 'meet me in the parking lot' is not like meet me in the hallway (or issss itttt....) but there are also really sad lovely lyrics (and quite a few more nsfw ones as well, our salads have a lot to handle today truly.) He'll be on with Roman Kemp tomorrow morning (as will Harry but not together), and his video appears to have been filmed in Eroda which I did not see coming. AU where they're actually on Roman Kemp together tomorrow and reveal the bizarre crossover event of the decade...

Real crossover event! The mostest Lilo content! First Liam talked about Louis in an interview this morning ("he’s transformed into the most beautiful human being ever") then Louis tweeted about the album ("MASSIVE shout out to Liam for his debut album out tomorrow") and people asked about the Harry and Niall songs and he said "defo sending love to them just wanted to make a fuss of Liam for his first album" and "everyone else [but the 3 of them] should just have the day off" and then Liam posted an old Lilo pic and "just seen that this superstar tweeted for my album that’s out in a few hours so overjoyed man watching us all do so well love you brother." Aww.

Harry displays the Fine Line album artwork like a home shopping network hand model with smiley face painted nails and here we have today's second oh my. There's a poster of him just spilling buck ass naked right out of a womb/heart/watermelon onto the floor, my heavens babe. The flip side is a slightly less nude picture for those with delicate salads. We learned that the band Lucius are featured on the track Fine Line and that Harry will interview his old pal Kendall Jenner when he hosts the Late Late Show next week, unless in fact he isn't and James was joking which would be peculiar but that's a thing some people think and what do I know so there ya go. Meanwhile Miss Vogue tells us "everything you need to know about Fine Line" which is definitely not true: their weird Wattpad fic is nothing I needed and their fawning spoilers just make the songs sound bad, all in all not a good take.

Eroda announced an event TWO WEEKS LONG which is. A lot to ask of us. Like I'm still reserving the 12th for idk what reason but a whole fortnight??? It's a commitment, which I mean very much in the 'being committed to an asylum' meaning of the word. A digital fan pack of postcards and such were posted with curiously amateurish artwork, peculiar but nice.

Louis tweeted that he wasn't feeling well and would be skipping soundcheck for the show today but should be fine, and sure enough he's at the venue so that'll be happening any minute now... We learned that the toy drive interview in Atlanta yesterday wasn't a planned stop, he just heard it was happening and wanted to drop by and drop off contributions. And a GQ video of Louis "explaining his tattoos" (he doesn't) and offering some advice- just get to a tattoo shop and decide when you're there! Very casual advice for a man so concerned about his handwriting and people being stuck with it forever. DLIBYH is amazon song of the day.

Meanwhile, Niall said him and Lewis Capaldi were the new Beyonce and Jay Z.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 26 Sept

Niall finally coming through with the save the date!! He dropped the announcement (along with the briefest and least revealing of audio snippets) that Nice To Meet Ya will be released Oct 4! The cover art shows him in a glittery shirt staring and pointing as if to say yeah I'm coming for y(/n) LOOK OUT. Pre save links are up and yield a little video of Niall, and a handwritten note has been sent out ("this is the first song of many and I can't wait to share with you... enjoy, Nialler"). Capital teased its Jingle Ball performers in advance of the official announcement (tomorrow) and Niall miiight be one of them: the concert is in December in Washington DC and if he's on it imagine all the unheard songs he might play! IMAGINE. We're getting posts left and right about interviews he's doing and we know he'll be on with Roman Kemp tomorrow, soon we'll have interviews with all of them coming out every... day... hoo boy. Not at all overwhelming! Cool!

Liam interviews continue to pour in and he continues to just say... things! Today's is a GQ video about his tattoos. He talks about the "we are the quiet ones" tattoo: he says he got it when he was "really pissed off about something." "When we were in the band there was... loads of animosity... cause we were never allowed to say anything. Nobody wanted to 'tarnish the image'... Trying to hide a bunch of stuff bleeds over into your normal life as well as you trying to play whatever character you play as a celebrity or a performer so that was kind of like a bit of an angsty tattoo." Wow. I mean we been knew but still wow Liam. Much has been made of when he got it (Aug 31, 2015) and yeah, there was a lot going on just then: hiatus had been announced about a week before. Sophiam engagement rumors were big news, as was talk of Louis becoming a father which had been announced just a few weeks prior. And just, you know, every single thing that had been happening all along was still very much happening. Anyway imagine! A 1D member getting tattoos to talk about things they weren't allowed to say?? The mind boggles who could possibly have imagined such a thing might have ever happened??? But like I'm sure it was just an isolated incident and they didn't remotely have a band culture where they influenced each other and did similar things to each other noooo.... Liam chose to highlight in his instagram story the part of the tattoo video where he talks about the "everything I wanted nothing I'll ever need" one- it's about having money not being a substitute for human connection- which is honestly a hell of a choice for SIU promo, and he took questions on twitter for "an interview I'm doing later."

Liam and Louis were both officially confirmed for Manchester Hits Live and the station allegedly said on air that Liam "might perform new songs we haven't heard before," well that's always true but do they know a thing? We'll see...

Zayn's collab on Trampoline is getting loads of notice and love, as it should. The lyric video came out, a cool animated thing (cartoon Zayn! where's the manip with yesterday's cartoon Liam?) The song credits include Zayn as a writer- some excitement about his name being listed as Zain Malik rather than Zayn but it seems this is simply because that's his legal name and it does not presage a name change(back.) Shaed posted a rehearsal pic for their upcoming tour and tagged Zayn- does it mean anything? And RCA took out a pre Grammys ad (for your consideration) with a list of their artists: Zayn is on there cause he's on RCA, which doesn't necessarily mean he'll be submitted. Zquad member Ryan Reynolds liked the Trampoline post.

And Harry took fan pics... in Miami?! Yep. What's he doing there we do not know tune in tomorrow and we might still not know but! We might! He's squirrelly and unpredictable you never know.

Meanwhile, Chandler Chruma decided to respond to badgering about KMM not being on All Access (a database where radio stations can get songs to play them) by responding that it was on Mediabase (a database that lists songs that stations can get from the labels to play them) which mostly served to make people angrier. There have been no further communications from her on the matter.