#and I’ve never felt romantically inclined towards anyone really

[hxney-lemcn]

Aroace and a hopeless romantic 😭 what a cruel fate

[etherealphosphor]

Melancholy

⟡ Contains: Neuvillette x Gn!Reader, Sfw, Fluff then angst, Reader gets blackmailed, Tiny bit of violence, Brief mention of blood

You had always been Neuvillette’s only assistant, which was odd considering the Chief Justice usually had many. Due to this fact, you were often rushing around, trying to manage all of the tasks for the day. Even though the work was tiring, you were never mad at Neuvillette for it. For someone so intimidating, Neuvillette was surprisingly kind to you. One might expect him to be a harsh boss, but he was the exact opposite.

Neuvillette had no limit on paid leaves, trusting you to use them fairly. Additionally, if you wished to leave work early due to exhaustion or for other reasons, he would simply find someone else to do your work for you. Of course, you were quite confused. What kind of boss just lets their employees leave work whenever they want? And if he could just get a replacement so quickly, why not have more full-time assistants like a Chief Justice ought to? It was almost as if efficiency was his last priority.

Though confused, you were still inclined to believe that Neuvillette knew what he was doing. After all, a man of such high status must have things under control. Neuvillette’s kindness towards you was something you were always grateful for, and it brightened your day whenever he thanked you earnestly for working for him.

Even if the task was as simple as bringing him a glass of water, he still looked you in the eyes as he told you how much he appreciated your help. Though, lately, his eye contact and gentle smile stirred a different emotion in your chest. An uneasy, nervous feeling, but not unpleasant. Was it love? You didn’t quite know.

One time, you held Neuvillette’s gaze for a little longer than usual, stunned by how beautiful his blue-grey eyes were.

"[Name], are you alright? Is there something else you need from me?" Neuvillette asked you, a little puzzled as to what you were staring at him for.

Snapping out of it, you quickly stammered, "Ah, n-no. Just spacing out, I-I apologize, Monsieur Neuvillette."

"How many times must I tell you that you can just call me Neuvillette? There is no need for such formal titles." Neuvillette softly chuckled.

"A-Alright. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Neuvillette." You quickly said, before exiting his office.

That night, you lay awake thinking about Neuvillette. No, it can’t be. Is it possible that I’ve developed romantic feelings for the Chief Justice? It’s unheard of, but I don’t think I can deny it any longer. Though I doubt I’m anything more than an assistant to him, after all, people of such high status as him don’t really go after anyone of a lower class. What do I even do?

After pondering for a long while, you eventually ended up falling asleep. Your dreams contained many different romantic scenes between you and Neuvillette, which caused you to be decently flustered when you woke up. You were quite embarrassed that your unconscious brain could even think up such things.

After getting ready, you headed off to Neuvillette’s office to get the list of chores for the day. Unsurprisingly, you couldn’t look him in the eyes after what you saw in your dreams.

Staring at your feet, you began to speak. "Greetings, Neuvillette, what tasks do you have for me today?"

Noticing your strange behavior, Neuvillette asked, "Good morning, [Name]. Is something on your mind? You’ve been acting so odd lately. If you’re going through anything, I can easily find someone to temporarily fill your position for a couple days."

"No.. no. It’s not that. Don’t worry yourself, Neuvillette. I am fine."

"If you’re sure." Neuvillette said, handing you a small list.

When you took the paper from his hands, you accidentally looked up, making direct eye contact. Those beautiful eyes of his were always something that fascinated you. And paired with that kind smile on his face, your heart simply couldn’t take it. You felt the heat slowly creep onto your face, and you quickly looked away from him. You hoped he hadn’t seen you blushing.

Though, of course, Neuvillette was a very perceptive man, and he did indeed notice. One does have to pick up on small details to judge court cases, after all.

"[Name], you look a little flushed; are you sure you’re in perfect health? It would be outrageous to ask you to work while you’re sick." Neuvillette asked, reaching out to feel your forehead for a fever.

You immediately flinched; this action of his was quite unexpected, and it caught you off guard.

"Oh, my apologies. Did I cross a boundary? It was merely out of habit." Neuvillette said, putting that hand over his heart to show his sincerity.

"Ah—no—it's fine. You didn’t do anything wrong." You replied, your own heart beating faster.

Oh, archons above, I’ve really fallen for him hard, haven’t I?

Over the next couple of days, you continued acting quite nervous around Neuvillette, something that he simply couldn’t ignore. Your behavior confused him, and he wished to get to the bottom of what was causing such a reaction.

Neuvillette had his suspicions, for sure, as the way you looked at him wasn’t exactly normal. However, he brushed it off as wishful thinking. After all, in secret, he did have quite a soft spot for you. Which was very unusual for him, as he avoided personal relationships with everybody else. To him, you were a fascinating anomaly. Who could predict that the Chief Justice would actually end up falling for someone? Even he himself was surprised.

Finally, after a week of your odd nervousness, Neuvillette simply had to ask you what was wrong once more. He doubted you would answer him properly, like every other time he had asked, and he knew that he would have to get your reaction to specific questions to gauge the situation.

Calling you into his office, he began to speak. "[Name], I know something has been on your mind lately. I’ve asked a couple times before, but I haven’t gotten a straight answer. Now, I hate to pry, but I worry that this topic may concern me, and I’d like to know if I have done something wrong so I can possibly make right of it."

Shaking your head slightly, you said, "No, Neuvillette. It’s really nothing. You didn’t mess anything up."

"You haven’t yet told me if this involves me, and don’t try to lie about it, [Name]. I can see through any lie in a second. So, does your anxiousness have anything to do with me?"

After a moment, you slowly nodded. After all, you couldn’t easily keep anything from this man. Being the Chief Justice, Neuvillette was trained to notice when people were being dishonest, so it was certainly quite a feat to get any lies past him.

"Ah, so it does indeed involve me. If I haven’t done anything wrong, then what is causing such a reaction from you?"

"I don’t think I can say it out loud, Neuvillette.."

"That’s fine. I already have my own suspicions, after all. However, I worry that they may be incorrect. I still have my doubts, which is why I haven’t brought up my own thoughts yet."

"Oh, I see. Well, what do you think?" You asked, feigning calmness. In reality, you could feel your heart beating faster.

"[Name], please correct me if I’m wrong, but... are you romantically interested in me?"

Your eyes widened. Neuvillette had indeed figured it out. You didn’t doubt that he would in the end, but you were still shocked that he had asked so bluntly. You had no idea how to respond, so you just looked away from him, completely red-faced.

"It really is that, isn’t it?" Neuvillette sounded almost as shocked as you were. With urgency in his voice, he began to speak, "[Name], please tell me if I’m right. This is important information to me."

You didn’t dare make eye contact or even move a muscle; you were too scared to do anything.

Grabbing your hands in his, Neuvillette began to speak with a hurried, apprehensive tone in his voice. "Is my conclusion correct? Please, [Name], don’t leave me in the dark like this; I must know."

Still looking away, you managed to choke out one word: "Y-yes.."

Moving his hands to your face, he cupped your cheeks and forced you to stare him directly in the eyes. "Do you truly mean it, [Name]?"

Neuvillette was smiling brightly. That was rare for the Chief Justice—usually all that could be seen from him was a small grin. But this time, it was completely different. He looked at you with a beaming smile that made his eyes sparkle just as bright.

"I—yes, of course.. of course I mean it." You said, your voice sounding a little lost. Everything was happening so quickly.

Neuvillette pulled you into an embrace, tightly hugging you to his chest. "I’m so glad, really, I am. You can’t imagine how long I’ve been wanting to hear that from you. I’ve always had a soft spot for you, but you must have already known about that. After all, there’s no way you didn’t notice my strange behavior toward you. That is also the reason I never hired any other assistants; I only wanted you by my side."

Your head was spinning a little; all this new information was so shocking, and your brain had yet to fully process it. Once the realization of what had been said had sunk in a little, you melted into Neuvillette’s gentle arms. You couldn’t believe your luck. The Chief Justice himself had fallen head over heels for you? Impossible. Focalors herself must have been smiling down at you.

Over the next few days, you made your relationship with Neuvillette official. Well, official to only the two of you, that is. Due to the judgment placed upon those with high status dating people with lower status, you had suggested that Neuvillette keep things a secret.

Neuvillette simply stated that being with you was nothing to be ashamed of, and that he didn’t mind any gossip spread about him as a consequence. However, what made Neuvillette keep the relationship a secret was when you told him that people would assume you were using him for his status and money.

Now, the last thing Neuvillette wanted was for your name to be tarnished in such a way. Rumors about him dating the lower class could be spread across the entirety of Teyvat for all he cared, but he would never apologize for loving you. But Neuvillette would not tolerate you being accused of being shallow and selfish.

After about a month of hiding your relationship, things were getting more and more difficult to cover up. You drove Neuvillette crazy; he had never experienced something like it before. Due to this fact, you two would often very nearly get caught. Perhaps it was the red marks left on your neck after spending time in his office, or maybe it was the affectionate looks you gave each other. Either way, the both of you got quite a few raised eyebrows from others working in the building.

One time, Neuvillette had you pinned against a wall in a secluded hallway, passionately kissing you as his hands trailed down to your waist. His gentle caresses were enough to make you let out a small whimper, which only excited him even further.

Moving your head to one side, Neuvillette gently sunk his teeth into your neck, trying his best not to break the skin. It was more difficult for him to be gentle than an average person due to the fact that he had sharp fangs.

Suddenly, Neuvillette pulled away from you. "Shh. I think somebody is coming."

You quickly regained your composure in case Neuvillette was correct, stepping away from your place against the wall. Meanwhile, Neuvillette was taking a look around the entrance to the hallway, making sure that nobody was there.

"We should be in the clear. I apologize for the false alarm, my love."

"It’s perfectly fine; better safe than sorry. Anyway, should we get back to what we were doing~?"

"Gladly." Neuvillette said in a low tone, smiling at you.

Raising your arms above your head with one of his hands, Neuvillette tilted your chin up with the other, leaning back in to fervently kiss you once more. You let him fully take control, allowing him to do what he liked with you.

By the time you two were done, you had bite marks all over your neck, and a blush across your face.

"Well, it’s getting late, isn’t it? Would you like me to walk you to your room?" Neuvillette asked you.

"Of course, anything to spend a little more time with you."

Walking hand in hand, Neuvillette led you to your room. In the past, it used to be a small storage room but was remodeled into a living space for you. After Neuvillette hired you, he insisted that you needed a room inside the building for your convenience. However, now that you were in a relationship with him, he admitted that it was also partly because he wanted to be closer to you.

Giving Neuvillette a quick kiss on the lips, you bid him farewell, before shutting the door. Just as you were about to lay down, you noticed an envelope that had been pushed under the door. It was addressed to you. Picking it up, you sat down on your bed and began to tear it open.

Once you saw the contents of the envelope, your eyes widened in horror. In your hands, you held many different photographs. Those pictures included the red marks on your neck, you and Neuvillette holding hands, hugging, and him pinning you against the wall. They all had something in common. They were evidence. Somebody had figured it out.

Under the photographs, there was a note. It read:

"Dear [Name],

As you could probably tell by those pictures, I know of your intimate relationship with Neuvillette. You two really are awful at keeping secrets, aren’t you? I have copies of all of those photos, by the way. There’s no point in destroying them. I intend to publish an article about you two to The Steambird. The only thing that will stop me from exposing your romantic feelings for one another to the entirety of Fontaine is if you keep your distance from Neuvillette, as you should’ve done to begin with. A Chief Justice shouldn’t be involved with one of his employees; he ought to have better standards than that.

You wouldn’t want me to spread false rumors and ruin his reputation, would you? Even if he insists that his reputation doesn’t matter, deep down, I’m sure he worries about it. Yes, I overheard that conversation of yours. A Chief Justice needs to be trusted by the people; even a child knows that. Who would trust him if he’s messing around with the lower class? I could also ruin your name as well by posting the article I have prepared. I thank you sincerely for the idea to frame you as a gold digger; it was truly brilliant.

If you don’t decide to stay away from your beloved Neuvillette, Fontaine will know him as a pervert who flirts with his servants for his own amusement and pleasure. As for you, you’ll be known as the servant who went along with it because of his status and money. And don't even think about telling Neuvillette about this letter; I have eyes everywhere. I will know if you speak with him.

You wouldn’t want to hurt Neuvillette, would you? If you truly love him, you’ll keep your distance."

You could feel your heart quickly beating in panic. You had no idea what to do. What could even be done about it?

That night, your dreams were stressful and scary, and you were still extremely anxious when you woke up in the morning. The idea that someone out there knew about you and Neuvillette, and could ruin both of your names in a second if they wished made your blood run cold.

Over the next week or so, you tried to avoid Neuvillette as much as possible. That letter was living rent-free in your head, and despite wanting to spend more time with the Chief Justice, you were terrified at the possibility that your relationship could be exposed at the snap of the blackmailer’s fingers. You barely spoke to Neuvillette outside of the small talk you had while completing your tasks each day, making up excuses for why you were so detached from him.

Neuvillette was quite confused, and he began to worry if he had done something wrong. That was often the first thing he assumed when you were acting odd, as it was the thing he dreaded most. If he accidentally hurt you, he wouldn’t know how to forgive himself.

After a couple more days passed and you were still avoiding him, he tried to ask you about it.

"[Name], my love? Is there a reason why I’ve barely gotten to see you these days? Have I done something wrong?"

"Ah—no. I have volunteer work for.. uh.. the Adventurer’s Guild. Yeah." You said hurriedly.

"The Adventurer’s Guild? Since when did you join them? If you’re low on mora, I can give you some. It’s no bother to me." Neuvillette replied, reaching into his pockets.

"Oh no, no. My mora is fine. I just volunteered for the good of Fontaine, you know? The work is its own reward."

"How kind of you; that really is a good way to look at things. In that case, I won’t keep you. Good luck while volunteering; don’t get hurt." Neuvillette gave you a quick kiss, bidding you farewell.

The look that Neuvillette gave you made you feel bad for lying, and in the end, you did actually end up going to volunteer at the Adventurer’s Guild. After a long day of fighting monsters and solving strange puzzles, you were ready to collapse on your bed.

What you didn’t expect was for there to be another envelope slid under your door. Opening it, you found a photo taken of Neuvillette kissing you earlier. Your heart skipped a beat, and as expected, there was another letter from the blackmailer.

This time, the note written by the person was much shorter. It simply read:

"Didn’t I tell you to keep your distance? This is a warning."

Your heart began to beat faster, and you were beginning to feel anxious again. You so badly wanted to run into Neuvillette’s office, throw yourself into his arms, and inform him of what was going on, but you couldn’t. The blackmailer would find out, and both you and Neuvillette would have false rumors spread about you all across Fontaine.

You hated that you were avoiding Neuvillette; it really hurt. Unfortunately, the blackmailer had scared you to your very core. You didn’t want to harm Neuvillette at all, and you knew if the article was published to The Steambird, it would severely damage his reputation and image. After all, what is a judge without the trust of his people?

You spent yet another sleepless night tossing and turning, unable to calm the worry in your mind.

Over the next week, Neuvillette tried on multiple occasions to talk to you, but you declined each time, making excuses such as:

"Sorry, I’m busy!"

"I can't right now; I have work at the Adventurer's Guild."

"Neuvillette, I’m really tired; can we speak another time?"

"I’m late for a meeting with a friend; I have to go."

You felt so bad that you had to do this. You never intended to hurt Neuvillette, but you slowly began to realize that you were causing him harm anyway. Every time you denied him, you could see the light in his eyes die, and he forced himself to smile gently. He would always reply with something along the lines of:

"Ah, I see. We’ll talk some other time, then."

One weekend, you looked out the window of your room, and it had begun pouring. Your eyes widened. Neuvillette was the Hydro Dragon, and it was said in folklore that when it rained, it meant he was crying. Neuvillette was a closed off man when it came to his negative emotions, even with you.

The rain made your heart ache; you knew it was your fault. You knew that the reason he was crying was because of you. That realization hurt like nothing else. In trying to protect him from harm, you had accidentally done the exact opposite. Even with your worries and regrets, you knew that you couldn’t go and comfort Neuvillette, despite how much you wanted to. The blackmailer would immediately publish that article if you did.

You felt so pathetic. What kind of partner would you be if you couldn't even comfort your boyfriend in his most vulnerable state? And what kind of partner lies to and avoids the other for weeks on end? The feeling in your chest was overwhelmingly awful.

Even so, you didn’t do anything. You were stuck. Your two options were equally bad. The rain went on and on, and you felt extreme sorrow even looking at it. You felt like a failure, like you were useless. You couldn’t even protect the one you loved most.

It was still raining when you went to bed that night.

The next evening, there was a gentle knock at your door. Getting up, you opened it, only to find Neuvillette waiting outside your door. In that instant, so many thoughts went through your head. You felt like you were being watched by the blackmailer.

"Good evening, [Name]. May I come in? I wish to have a chat with you." Neuvillette said, very clearly wearing a fake smile.

Even with the threat of the blackmailer, you couldn’t help it. You wanted to talk to him again.

"Uhm.. yeah, sure, Neuvillette." You said awkwardly, permitting him to enter.

Once the door was closed, Neuvillette spared no time in getting to his question. "Have I done something wrong? Answer me truthfully this time. You have been avoiding me for around three weeks now. I can’t imagine why else you would do such a thing."

"Neuvillette, no. You didn’t do anything. Trust me. This has to do with something else. I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt you." You spoke, looking away from him.

"What is keeping you from me?"

That question really made your heart start to beat, and the panic was evident on your face. "It’s nothing important."

Neuvillette took your hands in his. "[Name], you can tell me anything. I’m not mad at you; I’m just worried. I’m your boyfriend; we can depend on each other. Whatever you’re going through, we can work through it together."

Finally, looking up into his eyes, you couldn’t take it anymore. You had to tell him. You could feel tears starting to fill your eyes. "I'm being blackmailed, Neuvillette."

Neuvillette’s eyes widened, and for a moment, he didn’t say anything. He was absolutely shocked.

"What?"

You had finally said something. Just as your words had been held back for so long, so had your tears. They rolled down your cheeks, and even further down your neck.

"I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I should’ve, but I was scared. And I still am. I’m really scared, Neuvillette." You said, wiping at your tears.

"No, no.. [Name], it’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not your fault. Who has been blackmailing you? And with what?" Neuvillette’s gaze was concerned, and he stroked your hair as you cried.

"The letters are over on my desk.." You managed to get out between sobs.

Getting up for a moment, Neuvillette went over to look at them. His emotions went from concern to anger at what he saw. Who would dare to hurt and threaten you like that? Rage boiled in his chest, but he tried to keep his composure for your sake.

"Whoever did this will get what’s coming to them." Neuvillette spoke softly, embracing you once more. "I promise you."

You were still crying; it felt good to let it all out after bottling up your feelings for so long. Neuvillette kissed away your tears, and his hands began stroking your hair again.

Once you had stopped crying, he gently asked, "Will you be alright if I leave for a minute? I do wish to keep comforting you, but I have a feeling that the criminal is nearby, and I wish to catch them. Is that okay?"

You nodded, and after a short yet passionate kiss, Neuvillette walked out of the room. In his peripheral vision, he spotted a strange man, but he pretended not to notice and walked the other way. Once he was sure the stranger was walking away, he began to quietly trail them.

After a short walk, the man opened a door and walked inside. Silently, Neuvillette slipped into the room behind him. The man didn’t notice until Neuvillette locked the door.

"Can you explain to me what business you had blackmailing [Name]?"

The man was shocked to hear the Chief Justice’s voice, but he kept a confident smirk on his face as he turned to him. "A person of high status like you should not be involved with someone like them. Someone of a lower class. I’m doing you and Fontaine a favor by scaring them off."

The expression on the man’s face made Neuvillette even more angry. Neuvillette was not the kind of person to solve problems through violence, but in that moment, he couldn’t resist.

He grabbed the man by the neck and shoved him against the wall. With all his might, Neuvillette slammed his fist into the side of the man’s skull over and over. Then, Neuvillette moved down to punch him in the stomach, effectively winding him and causing him to fall to the ground.

Neuvillette’s hands were injured, but it was nothing compared to the state of the person before him. Neuvillette’s gloves had little golden spikes on the knuckles, which had left the man’s face bloodied and ugly.

Grabbing some handcuffs from his pocket, Neuvillette restrained the man’s hands behind his back. Why did Neuvillette have handcuffs at the ready when he had no idea he would be dealing with a criminal beforehand? That can be left up to the imagination.

Still not totally satisfied, Neuvillette gave the man a sharp kick to the face before walking over to his desk. There, he found the article and photos that were described in the letters. He picked them up and resisted the urge to destroy them then and there. It would be crucial to have them for evidence.

Once he had gathered all the things he needed, he looked down at the man on the floor and coldly said, "Get up. I’m going to hand you over to the police. If you resist, I’m going to assume that you haven’t taken enough of a beating already."

After a while, Neuvillette walked back into your room. You looked up at him expectantly, and he smiled at you.

"Everything is okay now, darling. The man has been arrested."

Neuvillette brought you into his embrace and laid down with you. You wrapped your arms around his waist, so glad to finally get to feel a type of comfort you hadn’t felt in weeks.

"I love you, Neuvillette."

"I love you too, [Name]. You’re safe with me."

You listened to the slow rhythm of Neuvillette’s heartbeat, breathing in his calming scent as you fell asleep. That was the first night in three weeks that you didn’t have nightmares. You felt truly okay again.

[rocketturtle4]

Only Friends, a possible take on Mews feelings

(…wasn’t going to post this week because I’m still shadowbanned but here we are) EDIT: No longer shadowbanned here's a post about how I frame aceness and talking about it in BL if anyone is curious.

So I have seen a lot of confusion and different takes on Mew this week which is lots of fun and my favourite so far has been this one by @slayerkitty (If I had in fact read that one before writing most of this I probably wouldn't have bothered BUT I already wrote it and the brain rot is real sooooo....)

First and foremost I want to note that Mew has come across so far to me as rather Demiromantic & Demisexual, (which, as its my own orientation, is definitely going to involve some projecting). I do not necessarily think this IS his orientation but that's the lens this post is going to take.

(Small sidenote I wrote a long post about Aceness in BL and how I’ve related to it and seen it depicted a little while after Be My Fav ended, that I WISH I COULD REFER TO however I am waiting for the shadowbanning to end before posting it so I can interact with people. I am frustrated by this.)

We have been told reasonably clearly that Mew has never had strong sexual or romantic feelings for a person before Top and I do think this goes a long way towards understanding his actions so far.

Evidence:

He is not really seen checking out/flirting with anyone (other than Top) at any point (and in THIS show, I count this as evidence because we have seen ALL the other main characters check out people on the regular, this show is doing a good job of showcasing casual sexual attraction as a part of the day to day and Mew is not showing signs of this.)

Mew explicitly mentions that he has never clicked with anyone before, ergo he’s never really been attracted to anyone before.

Mew tells Ray that Top is the first one to make his heart flutter.

Mew seems somewhat disconnected from his friends experience with sex and attraction.

In some ways Mew even seems disconnected from his OWN sexual and romantic attraction

Do I think this means he’s definitely doubleDemi: Nope

Why this matters for my take: If Mew has never experienced attraction before, or never experienced it strongly before, then delving into his feelings might feel a lot more daunting than people might think. Because it’s not about this being his first sexual encounter/romantic relationship, its about this being the first time he has ever felt these emotions.

My take on Mew and Top

Re: Mews Virginity. Boston was the first person to tell Top that Mew was a virgin, later, in the counter scene, when Mew stops things he says ‘I’m not ready’ and then ‘I’ve never done it’. This does not imply to me that he has no experience, just that those experiences likely haven’t involved his genitals (we'll see if I eat my words next week).

Okay Ep 1 (I am going mostly off memory)

We see from the beginning that Mew is less connected into the bar scene than his friends, he’s introduced as the tablekeeper and is the one collecting people to leave once he’s had enough. He is also put forth as the one most academically inclined which often implies a sense of responsibility (while the bar scene does the opposite.)

Top, our Top Tier, (brought in by Boston so Boston could turn their fun in the phone booth into another encounter,) is intrigued by Mew for being so different from what he typically encounters at the bar scene and is successful in getting Mew to take him home.

Now, WHY did Mew agree if he is not yet particularly attracted to Top you ask? (I ask, same dif)

Curiosity

Do you know what its like for all the people around you to talk about Sex and just...not get it? To stare around at people eyeing each other up and down and feel…nothing? And I mean it’s not like Mew is celibate for other reasons…he’s just… not interested.

He’s also what 22? And Horny? (Because as a reminder Ace people still have a libido and some of them want to have sex, aceness is explicitly about lacking attraction to an individual)

So he takes Top home and then things get started and he realizes hey, no, what, I’m not sure about this.

And he stops things.

Because while he is experiencing lust from the situation, he’s not really comfortable in his attraction.

“I just feel like I don’t know you well enough.”

That is not just a line, that is an explicit feeling that I have felt. It wells up inside and squirms into every part of you. I can’t do this, I don’t know you well enough.

But it’s also VERY MUCH about both fear and control. I agreed with a lot of posts in the first few weeks about Mews desire to remain in control, but to me this is strongly linked to his possible sexuality. He is USED to feeling in control because he hasn’t experienced strong attraction before. He doesn’t know what it’s like to stare at someone and lust after them, or even what its like to dream about falling asleep in their arms.

These are brand new emotions, big, scary, new, emotions and they are probably making him feel rather OUT of control and so all the distance we see from Top, and even from himself, is him attempting to stay regulated.

He even seems aware of this in his disclaimer that if he were to go all in on his feelings, he would be a crazy stalker, because those brand-new feelings are unlike anything he has felt before. (I remember the first time I experienced it I could only liken it to extreme anger or fear, or the highest excitement, it was just so much stronger than I’d imagined)

Additional Note Re: @plantsarepeopletoo

Another part of this, which Paprika put forth and I agree with, is that Mew might be scared of his emotions because he's afraid of hurting others. He's the table keeper, the even keel, the calm one, he keeps everyone's stuff safe and makes sure everyone gets home. (And he fails at this once he starts paying attention to Top...). (But I'll get to Ray)

Let’s fast track a bit

We have a cute montage of the getting to know you, they eat ice cream, they go to the library, Top helps out with the project. The getting to know you is going well and Mew is absolutely feeling things.

And then Top jumps the gun a bit because he is still trying to fast track to the good stuff and Mew says yes to save his face.

In Ep 2

We have Mew confessing to Ray that Top makes his heart flutter (the first time this has ever happened). We see Mew starting to test his own boundaries and feelings, but FIRST we get him asking Top to backtrack a bit because he’s been moving too fast, and he only said yes because Top asked him in public.

After that boundary is back up we get Mew teasing and testing and feeling out how things stand.

What can he do that lets him explore things without them progressing too far?

If he does x what does Top assume he wants?

Because Mew has NO IDEA where Tops boundaries are, Mew’s not ready for sex, I imagine that if he could be sure that making out with Top would stop at making out he might have tried it by now, but their first make out escalated rather quickly so he is being careful. (as @slayerkitty puts it he doesn't trust Top yet) but I also posit that he may not trust himself yet.

He doesn’t allow the bed sharing, but he does later allow the cuddling. Why? Because the couch cuddle is after increased emotional vulnerability, it’s helping Mew see that Top is moving with him. It builds trust. It builds connection. It builds emotion (it builds demi stability...)

Ep 3

Not a WHOLE lot happened in Ep 3, we were very Mark and Boston focused but here’s what I got:

Mew is getting more comfortable with his feelings for Top, and he’s trying to move them towards being on the same page (I read some excellent takes on the disco scene and the disconnect between their clothing in both that scene and the later one)

He’s stopped correcting people when they say Top is his boyfriend, including Top, that was the main change we saw this Ep for the record. Mew has already made it clear that the label is important to him, and this suggests to me he is growing increasingly comfortable with the relationship.

Top is also the first one Mew calls later on. He's go to number 1.

The PROBLEM with EP 3 is 1 Boston is getting in Top’s head and 2 Mew has NOT BEEN COMMUNICATING. (Because he doesn't trust...)

Mew has been testing out his feelings and playing with his boundaries because he has genuine feelings for Top but he hasn’t TOLD Top this (he also hasn’t told us this so I could be totally wrong but - projecting) and so even though Mew is nearly ready to move things forward (next eps teaser), all Top knows is his own sexual frustration and Boston’s half truths so… it’s about to get ugly up in here.

Any Questions? (I can’t answer them but ask away lol)

My take on Mew and Ray

Real quick my projections

Mew and Ray’s moment from 2 years ago was probably Ray kissing Mew for a bit, Mew letting it happen (again curiosity) but stopping before things got any further.

OR Ray confessing his feelings, Mew inviting the kiss (because again, he has had no attraction before and was curious) but realizing after a bit he felt nothing and stopping it.

Mew stopping Top in ep 1 before he got the pants off makes me think the pants have never come off for Mew before.

What this means IMO

Mew is aware of Ray’s feelings because of the two years ago incident

They presumably 1 talked about it and agreed to stay friends

Or 2 silently agreed to never acknowledge it again because the feelings weren’t reciprocal and they wanted to stay friends.

This tracks for me in the way Mew seems to keep a bit of distance from Ray but still wants to be there for him, but also emphasises ‘friends’ in their ep 2 hug/chat.

Also the way Mew seems excited by Ray’s interest in Sand.

I don’t think Mew is intentionally hurting Ray, more that they both agreed to ignore it since so long ago that it’s part of the background noise at this stage.

ALSO

I honestly also think that Mew and Ray are the closest two of the friend group (I have speculated that maybe Mew was there for Ray when his mom died). (AGAIN @slayerkitty explains this well, like, their take on the friend group felt nearly plucked out of my brain). My guess is that the incident 2 years ago left them a bit more distant. However, Mew had no way of knowing Ray was with Sand (I don’t buy the encouraged him means Mew knows they’re hooking up. ‘Make sure you talk to him’ is not the same as 'take him home and do him', especially in Mew’s book)

After Top who else was Mew going to call? Boston? BOSTON?? Or Cheum?, who Mew knows came to the party with her girlfriend. (Also gender rolls and the societal appropriateness of sleeping over at a girls house lesbian or not).

Yeah, Ray is the most sensible second choice.

(My fav take on the car scene so far, Ray & Sand Perspective: here @idleorbitals)

Thoughts?

[youremyheaven]

Hi so I’m a Shatabhisha Sun, Ardra Moon and Shatabhisha Mercury with Ashlesha ASC. That makes me I guess a Rahu dominant? And this guy I’ve been in a complicated arrangement with has Uttara phalguni Sun Swati Moon Uttara phalguni Mercury with Magha ASC. And I’ve been the one who’s more clingy and wants to be with him for a very long time and everything. While he just seems annoyed by my shenanigans. Whenever I’d express my love for him through my actions he’s do everything that’s possible to hurt me (this was around the beginning) but would never make a move to end this sort of situationship and would get jealous over the most absurd things and is insanely possessive (sometimes it’s cute but other times scary). He, I guess has his own internalized opinion about me like this image of me that I’m a whore who’d sleep with anyone and everyone and I’m just a bimbo who’s got no brains even tho Im nothing like that, he’s the only person I’ve ever slept with and I’ve never even kissed or hugged another man and I’m definitely not a bimbo I’ve been a straight A student all my life quite literally the apple of my teacher’s eyes. In the beginning I didn’t used to say anything because I felt like if I’m not any of the things that he says I am then why should I react it’s just a waste of time and energy but now I’ve started to prove him wrong. I literally just sent him pictures of every report card I had starting from 5th grade up until my uni days and he’d still not believe me.

He has always spoiled me with everything like food, money and would just get me things even tho I’d tell him not to. It’s like he wants to get away from me and keep me close at the same time and it’s really confusing to me. And he’s started to soften up on me now wouldn’t do some of the things that I told him I absolutely hate and things that hurt me he’s stopped doing them. And I’ve gone a little rude towards him or should I just say that I don’t let him step over me and treat me like a sex doll or a doormat.

you don't have to listen to me but honestly dump him. it's for the best. i know you say he's changed etc but a man who thinks you're promiscuous and a bimbo is not the man who you should have any kind of relationship with PERIOD no amount of being spoiled by him can make up for the fact that he literally in your own words treats you like a "doormat or sex doll" ,,, i respect your choices but bbg your first ever intimate relationship is with a man who does not see or value your purity (im not implying virgin = pure but pointing out that it's very special to be someone's first and it takes a worthy person to cherish, respect and adore a girl who has no other experience romantically or physically to compare to, you're setting the standard for her, and that comes with some responsibility??)

this is what I meant by how Rahu - Sun relationships involve the Rahuvian being obsessed and the Sun person being irritated or put off, it's such an unequal power dynamic

you WILL find a better man love don't put up with this kind of behaviour hoping he'll just soften up and be better. you deserve someone who's already at your level not someone who has to climb a mountain to get there. all u girlies who date mediocre men hoping love will transform him into a wonderful partner, word of advice from a sister who's been there and done that, IT WON'T HAPPEN. the desire to change has to come from within and you're wasting your time staying by their side. men are 1000x more inclined to hurt and abuse a woman who will go easy on them or forgive them. Treat them like they're dust and move on with your life.

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Desperate Measures.

Pairing: Yandere!Kaeya/Reader (Genshin Impact).

Word Count: 2.2k.

TW: Kidnapping, Emotional Manipulation, Implied Stalking, and Delusional Mindsets.

Kaeya was a man, distracted.

Distracted. Divided. Not inattentive, but pulled away from his responsibilities by a force he couldn’t name and couldn’t say he cared for, either. He wasn’t a stranger to romantic inclinations — fantasies, sudden flings, slow-burning inclinations that died the moment his attention was called elsewhere. Predictably, the few relationships he allowed himself were short-lived, at best distasterous at worst, but he didn’t have a problem with that. If anything, Kaeya appreciated it. He’d always thought of company as optional, and what little loneliness he was still capable of feeling could be drowned with a generous glass of wine. He wasn’t one to linger. He tried not to overstay his welcome. He’d been sentimental, once, too emotional for his own good, and he’d learned his lesson. He didn’t intend to change.

He didn’t want to change.

And yet, here he was.

Distracted.

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t focus. It was all he could do to look like he might’ve been trying to read the most recent document left on his desk – this one from Jean, a directive for the younger knights or legislation she needed him to review or another vague, important report that he probably would’ve dealt with weeks ago, if he’d been able to concentrate.

He made a half-hearted effort to straighten his back as the door to his office began to open, but Kaeya dropped the act quickly, abandoning it completely by the time he heard the sound of heeled boots against hollow tile, caught a glimpse of a familiar (albeit, rarely used) catalyst, searched for eyes and found the cover of a thin book, instead, your face still buried in your newest novel as you stepped through the threshold, not bothering to knock. It was you. He should’ve known it would be. Who else did he deserve?

You, Lisa’s new assistant. You, the latest addition to the Knights of Favonius. You, his current, infuriating, unshakable fixation.

You, the new recruit who hadn’t paid him so much as a passing glance since your arrival, much to Kaeya’s frustration.

You didn’t look at him. You rarely ever did, but it hurt more than it usually did, today, as you dropped another form onto his desk, letting it replace the greeting you’d forgotten to offer. “Lisa needs you to sign this,” You started, laying out your priorities clearly, a skill Kaeya was beginning to resent. “It’s just next year’s budget. If you don’t want to read it, I think I’ll be able to look the other way.”

He glanced over the rows of numbers, the messy hand-writing, the columns of meaningless gibberish that blended together into a mess of ink and digits, and took your suggestion, scrawling his name across the only blank line. It was a lost cause, especially with you in the room. Especially with your unoccupied hand resting on his desk, your fingertips idly tapping an unsteady rhythm into the wood, and all he could think about was who he’d be willing to kill to feel that hand pressed against his cheek.

He considered asking you, for a moment, giving you an order and hoping you'd absent-mindedly obey. He thought about touching you, or running his fingers through your hair, or pulling you into his lap and mumbling sweet-nothings into your ear until someone else dragged you away.

He thought about a lot of things. Then, he said, “I take it your silence comes at a price?”

“Do I seem that selfish to you?” You were selfish. You had to be selfish. If you weren’t, then surely you would’ve been kind enough to put him out of his misery months ago. “I like helping people. Just remember this when I need a favor from you.”

“I’m sure we could work something more immediate out,” He went on, but you were already starting towards the door, calling the conversation to a close before Kaeya could begin to finish. In the back of his mind, something flared, the urge to catch your wrist, to go after you, to put himself between you and the only exit and refuse to move until you looked at him, but he forced it down, swallowing the temptation before it could eclipse his common sense. He couldn’t be impulsive. He couldn’t make rash decisions. He wasn’t prepared to deal with how difficult that would make things, not now.

Not yet.

“Join me for a drink?” He tried, again, attempting to sound unbothered. Nonchalant, casual, normal. Like he wasn’t itching to burn every book you’d touched. “I know you don’t have anything better to--”

“Another night, Captain.”

And just like that, you were gone, leaving Kaeya’s muttered response to echo through his empty office.

“Of course.”

~

Kaeya was a man, desperate.

Like a starving dog. Like a traveler who hadn’t seen water in thirty days. Like a distraught, distressed, disturbed knight, wandering through a maze of a library, cursing the existence of every shelf that separated him from you. He knew where you'd be. You were a creature of habit, and he’d already had more than enough time to memorize your routine. He’d had enough time to memorize everything about you, as ashamed as he was to admit it. It was a testament to his devotion, to how much time he’d spent trying and failing to win your favor.

It was evidence of how pathetic he’d gotten, over the course of his one-sided pursuit.

You were in your usual spot – tucked into the far corner of the library, perched on the edge of a windowsill, your attention monopolized by the tattered scroll spread across your lap. You were still pouring over it by the time he reached you, slumping against the nearest wall, taking in how brilliantly the muted sunlight looked as it danced across your skin. He didn’t try to hide the way he stared, anymore. He was long past worrying that you’d care enough to notice. Your hair was unkempt, proof that’d you slept in the archives again, if you’d slept at all. Your lips were bleeding, too, the lower one chewed raw and split down the middle, but it might’ve been stranger if they weren’t. It must’ve been a nervous tick, but Kaeya found it cute. Kaeya found it endearing. Kaeya found everything about you endearing, and to the archons, he wanted to see those lips wrapped around his co--

And he hated it. He found everything about you endearing, and he hated it. That was all.

He sighed, the sound airy, exhausted. You didn’t look up, but that was fine. It would’ve only hurt him further if someone as simple as that drew out your concern. “I’m in love with you.”

There was a hum, soft and contemplative. A rather generous response, by your standards. “I’ve noticed.”

“You’re all I think about.” It was an awkward confession, one he’d already used a hundred different times. He didn’t care. He’d use it a hundred more, if he had to. “I’m a wreck. I can barely remember my own name, and some days I can’t even do that. I can’t fight, I can’t eat, I can hardly breathe. Every morning, I wonder what it would be like to wake up to your smile, and every night, I stare at my ceiling and loath myself because I’m not holding you in my arms. For fuck’s sake, just yesterday, I almost kissed Albedo because the chemicals he was working with reminded me of the way your favorite kind of flower smells, and I’m just so fucking desperate, I convinced myself that was the closest I’d ever come to kissing you.”

He was rambling, by the end, panting, yelling, but you only blinked when he was done, once, then twice. Your dull nails bit into the edges of your scroll, but you didn’t seem to mind, nor did you move to roll it up as you finally turned to face him, the confusion written clearly across your expression. “You kissed Albedo?”

“You don’t get it,” He said, and you nodded in agreement. “You don’t fucking get it.”

“I think I do,” You admitted, more earnestly. Your gaze dropped back to the ground, and instantly, Kaeya deflated. “I just… I just don’t think it’d work out, if I’m being honest. I’m still new. I still have to give everyone else a reason to trust me, and I don’t think it’s in my best interest to start a relationship with one of my superiors so early on.” You paused, laughing to yourself, and something in Kaeya’s chest tightened. It was the happiest he’d been since he met you, and he still felt like you’d pushed a sword through his heart and twisted. “But, you don’t really want a relationship, do you? You’re just bored, and you need something to fixate on. I’m the most available option, so...” You trailed off, finishing your sentence with a vague, stilted sweeping gesture. “It’ll be easier for both of us, this way. I like you, Captain, but I don’t like you enough to put myself through that.”

It was all he could do to remember how to open his mouth. Once he did, the words came stumbling out on their own.

“Of course.”

~

Kaeya was a man, determined.

Determined might’ve been the wrong word for it. Too soft, too suggestive, the impression too positive and the meaning too vague. ‘Depraved’ might’ve suited him better, but that was too harsh, too primitive, and he’d like to think he’d been as gentle as anyone could expect him to be, given your stubbornness. He’d tried to be gentle. He’d wanted to be gentle. If he was going to do this to you, he could at least do it gently. You deserved that much, at least.

Or, maybe you didn’t. Maybe you didn’t deserve any of this.

He couldn’t really make up his mind, about that.

“Lisa?”

And he was gentle, more so than he had to be. Sure, you were on the floor, bare stone already beginning to chafe at your skin, but the shackles around your wrists were padded, and he’d given you enough slack to sit down, to ball yourself up, to act like it’d never crossed your mind that he’d resort to something so… easily misinterpreted. The blindfold was, similarly, an act of mercy. You’d panic if you woke up like this, chained to a wall in someone else’s cellar, and Kaeya didn’t want that. You needed time, and he could give you that. He would give you that. Even if it pained him to stay at arm’s length.

“Amber?”

He wanted to touch you. It’d be easy, now, easier than it’d ever been before. You wouldn’t be able to push him away, and even if you tried to, he could always overpower you. Take you by the neck, pin you against the floor, leave you shaking and trembling and begging, pleading with a captor you couldn’t see. He’d find a way to make it up to you, later on. He’d find a way to lie, to smile, to make it better, even if he’d failed to time and time again, out there. But, this would be different. You wouldn’t be able to cling to your excuses, and he’d be able to show you how much he cared, how much he wanted this, how much he loved you. This would be better.

“Kaeya?”

See? You were already coming around.

Your voice was already soft, hesitant, a sliver of a whisper that was constantly on the verge of dying out completely. You were trying not to make noise, trying not to seem as terrified as you really were, but he could hear the way your breath hitched as he took a step forward, your restraints rattling as you curled into yourself. You couldn’t hide from him, but you wanted to. That much was obvious. You didn’t want this.

But, he did. More than you could ever want to run away from it.

He wanted to touch you, but he held himself back. Instead, he only kneeled in front of you, letting himself linger for a moment before he spoke. “I’m here, love.”

“Where are we?” You were afraid, too scared to put the pieces together. Not while you could still hope there was another explanation. Not while you could still deny the apparent. “My head hurts, and I can’t--”

“I know, and I’ll make it up to you.” This time, he let himself reach out, cupping your cheek and chuckling as you tried to shy away. The two of you could work on that, later on. He could live with the guilt if he let himself enjoy it, now. “Just give me a moment, alright? Just a second, then I’ll take care of you.”

You opened your mouth, then you closed it again. Kaeya wondered if you’d be bold enough to refuse if he did try to kiss you, or hold you, or go further than the fleeting touches he’d swore would keep him satisfied, at first, at least. He wondered if he’d care, when you did. “Are… are you going to hurt me?”

He wanted to reassure you. He wanted to promise he’d be patient, that he’d understand if you lashed out, that violence wasn’t an option he was willing to consider, but he couldn’t, like this, could he? He didn’t want to hurt you, but he’d never wanted to kidnap you, either, not until you made it obvious he didn’t have another choice. He didn’t want to stoop so low, he didn’t want you to hate him, but…

But, he was lying again, wasn’t he?

To tell the truth, he couldn’t remember the last time he genuinely cared whether or not you loved him back.

You stifled a scream as his hand dropped to your jaw, his grip tightening as he jerked you forward, just close enough to wrap his arm around your waist, to bury his face in the side of your neck, to get a taste of what you’d deprived him of. It wasn’t enough, he doubted it’d ever be enough, but he had you. He had you, he was close to you, and he had you. That had to be enough, for now.

“We’ll see.”

[critical-thinking-is-mandatory]

Do you think Adrien is a nice guy or incel? I mean he does have an Asian fetish (speaks Japanese, a white person who likes Asians is very common on incel sites such as r/aznidentity) and he acts entitled to LB and gets mad at her for not being his gf

I'm leaning more to the Nice Guy TM as opposed to the incel angle. Just because, in general, incels take on a more... hateful ideology.

Putting this under a cut because it got long lol

Like to be clear, he's not 'nice' he's a Nice Guy TM in that he's got the standard manipulative, pitiable kind of attitude alongside the expectation of 'if I be her friend, then she owes me love/dating/sex etc.' This kind of attitude does stem from a limited, patriarchal world-view, where men/boys can only have intimate relationships with women/girls, because "men only feel anger and sex and that means you can't have an intimate friendship with your male friends" along with the expectation that women/girls treat their male friends like friends because they're romantically inclined (because men are encouraged by the patriarchy to treat women as less than human unless they're romantically inclined). So like. This whole mess bundles together to create Nice Guys and incels because Patriarchy.

I think it was Glaciator that gave us the clearest view of this attitude in Adrien, when he took Maribug to see his rooftop surprise, gave her a flower, kissed her cheek and told her that Maribug's friendship is the greatest gift, before he went home and told Plagg that when Maribug finally realises her feelings for him, he'll be waiting.

Combining this with the fact that Adrien pressures Maribug almost every single episode, and the 'Milady' nickname which just screams Nice Guy, it gives off major Nice Guy vibes. (Personally, I think most people don't realise it because Adrien is conventionally attractive and rich and most Nice Guys...aren't.)

And to go more in-depth with why I don't think Adrien is an incel as opposed to a Nice Guy is well. He genuinely thinks he respects Maribug, and we never really see Adrien taking his romantic frustrations out on the general female population (or even have it implied). Like, we know he doesn't actually respect Maribug, otherwise he'd let the matter drop, but as pushy as he gets he doesn't get overtly violent. Passive-aggressive, manipulative, increasingly unhelpful, definitely, but we're missing the violence/potential violence that takes a Nice Guy that step further into incel territory.

Like there's not really any threat of Adrien following Maribug home, or sending her threats over text, or threatening her with personal harm to himself or whatever. Other people might make other distinctions between the two categories, and there's a whole lot of overlap, but I firmly believe Adrien is a Nice Guy.

Like to compare Adrien's Nice Guy TM with Luka's nice guy there's a pretty stark difference.

During Frozer Luka encouraged Marinette to go after and talk to Adrien, even though the whole situation very much felt like a double-date. (And it was implied by this time that both Marinette and Luka liked each other, at least a *tiny* bit.)

In Copycat, Adrichat got so jealous of the artist expressing his admiration for Maribug, that he was rude enough to get the dude akumatised.

Luka confessed to Marinette in Silencer, and left the matter entirely in her hands. Very low pressure.

Adrichat confessed properly in Glaciator? Frozer? (idk can't remember 100% but it was one of the two) and to this time, 2 seasons on, he still hasn't let the matter drop and basically tricked Maribug into going on a date with him. (Gang of Secrets or Lies idk).

Like Adrien is persistent to the point that it's harassment, he's manipulative and sneaky, he guilt-trips Maribug what feels like every other episode, and what's more Season 4 has shown us that he's violent towards anyone and anything he perceives as competition.

Luka was straightforward and honest with his feelings, endlessly patient, and never offered more than gentle encouragement when other characters would've been forcing and demanding Marinette for action and answers.

I think I've covered everything but I will point out that having what very much feels like a fetish for East-Asian girls, isn't really a deciding factor in Adrien being an incel or Nice Guy. It just means he's racist. Probably not on purpose, but it's just as damaging as someone being overtly purposefully racist. (Will point out tho that he's learning Mandarin, a Chinese dialect, not Japanese.)

[cosmicsierra]

Oh I'd love to see the scenario you have for “I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you,” anyone else but you by moldy peaches, please?

thank you for the request anon! i was super excited to write this! here is some tech fluff :) only warnings are a club scene that includes light discussion of a lap dance. I hope you enjoy <3

prompts from songs that remind me of tech

Tech was a soldier. A soldier loyal to the Republic, created with an exceptional mind by the Kaminoans to be the brains of a team that worked together. He spent his time in his youth training to become more efficient and researching subjects all over the holonet on a datapad given to him by the Kaminoans, not to mention the research being done on him. Not only did he face strict testing and orders from the Kaminoans, but also throughout the Clone War.

In every part of his life, he has never been inclined to truly love anyone in a romantic way. He held love for his brothers, even when they teased him relentlessly and embarrassed him in public. Even more so, the clones encouraged him to partake in activities with various people spotted in bars. Wrecker even went as far as buying him a dance from a female Twi’lek who most clones longed after. Reminiscing on the memory, Tech cringed in real time. The Twi’lek sauntered over to him. Heads of clones turned his way, jealousy in the eyes of most. Not quite aware of what was happening until she took a seat on his lap, his eyes flicked to Hunter, Echo, and Crosshair confusingly, before finally settling on a laughing Wrecker.

The Twi’Lek grabbed his chin, tilting it up to look at her. He quietly informed her that he was not interested in partaking in such an act, and instead directed her toward Wrecker. She smiled, seeming to understand and accept the fact, and stood up to walk to Wrecker.

Hunter leaned over to him, “You refused an offer like that?” He spoke quietly under the music.

Tech shrugged, “I didn’t see anything in her.” His hands settled on his datapad. He intended to research why so many men lusted after female Twi’leks. Hunter sighed.

Tech flinched thinking of the memory, deciding instead to dwell on a more preferable memory. The first time he met you.

He wandered around the streets of Coruscant and searched for the library that the regs had told him about. Regrettably lost without his datapad, he relied on the spoken word to help him find the library of Coruscant. He longed to just go to the Jedi archives, however, clones were only permitted in certain areas of the temple and the archives were not one of those areas.

So, here he was, on a wild bantha chase in search of a place he began to think didn’t exist. As he was about to abandon the haste of the research about the planet the batch was on the way to next, he spotted the library. Matching the durasteel architecture of Coruscant, the library stood tall and mature. The building was nearly all glass and durasteel. Feeling a bit more inspiration, he picked up his pace toward the looming building.

While walking, his mind raced with just how much information could fit in that library. Although it was in no comparison to the holonet, it had been some time since he was able to enter a library, and he was eager at the thought.

The doors opened, revealing to Tech a large collection of books, holopad recordings, and so much more. The library was stories high and each floor was shaped similar to a square, with an empty section in the middle of each floor to look out at all of the other sections above and below.

As his eyes took everything the vast library had to offer beneath his helmet, he failed to notice the person approaching from behind.

“Hi there,” you waved politely, “is there anything specific you’re looking for today?” You held one arm with the other nervously.

Tech did not notice the introduction, instead still marveling in the wonder that is physical knowledge. Then, he felt a tap on his armor that nearly made him reach for his blaster. He whipped around only to be confronted by you.

If he hadn’t been rendered speechless by the stunning building, now he was a wreck. He watched as you scratched the back of your head, laughing softly, “Sorry, I really didn’t intend to scare you.”

He gazed at you, feeling a warmth in his stomach that he hadn’t personally felt before, but had studied after Wrecker said it was how the Twi’lek made him feel.

“Are you okay there buddy?” You asked, genuinely seeming concerned at this point. Your arms reached toward him, as he likely looked like he was about to faint.

“My apologies. When individuals find someone attractive, they often develop a strange phenomenon of ‘butterflies in the stomach’,” He watches as your eyes widen, showing interest, and continues, “This is a case of nerves or thoughts and feelings, which in turn end up compromising maximum performance. Evidently, as you just observed at the expense of my dignity.” Tech explained and laughed, then waited for your reaction. The feeling had not eased up any.

He watched you as your mind grinded gears. You crossed your arms and leaned to one side, “Are you saying you find me attractive? We’ve only just met!” You talked in hushed tones, chuckling a bit. “Anyways… what brings you here? I’ve never seen a clone in here.”

Tech smiled to himself under his helmet. “It appears that in a careless manner I have broken my datapad for the time being. I need to do some research on the planet my squad is heading to tomorrow.” The feeling in his stomach never left as you explained to him how to find information about planets and systems. Even when focused on the planet after you had left him to his own business, he felt as if he wanted to talk to you more.

He made sure to say farewell before leaving, although he returned to the library as soon as the batch came back from their mission a week later. His brothers had never seen him in such a hurry. Of course, by then, his datapad was fixed. That really left his brothers confused.

As Tech ran from the landing platform toward the streets of Coruscant, Echo called out to him, “Tech! You forgot your datapad!” He held it up in the air.

Hunter and Crosshair eyed the datapad suspiciously. That thing literally never leaves Tech’s side, where was he going without it? They shared a quizzical look with Echo. Soon, their attention was turned to Tech, who was already far, yelling back, “I won’t need it! Keep it safe!” He waved over his shoulder and continued in a run.

Before the end of the war as it raged on, Tech would wander to your Coruscant apartment or the library (wherever you were for the time of day or night), and you two would spend hours together. One night in particular, you asked him a question that he couldn’t answer.

Legs intertwined, your head on his shoulder and his arm cradling your head, Tech sighed contently. You looked up to him and asked what the long sigh was about. He dismissed your concern, telling you that he was at ease and relaxed.

“When the war is over, will you come to me?” Your question was sudden. The sound of your voice split through the room. It sounded small, nervous, and apprehensive. Tech had never considered the end of the war and what it meant for you two. Your relationship hadn’t been particularly closed off, but neither of you felt compelled to be with anyone else. The confirmation of an exclusive relationship was just never discussed.

He looked down to you and ran his hand through your hair. “I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you. Of course I’ll come to you. I’ll be here.” He planted a kiss on your forehead and hugged you to his body tightly.

masterlist

taglist: @incandescentlywarm @morgonjinn

[bangchanswolfpelt]

Aight I'm a good 6 years older then Yeonjun, and I don't stan any 4th gen groups, but fucking Yeonjun and Taehyun dragged me kicking and screaming into TXT when they passed their cutie concept phase and I can't get out. I couldn't find anything for Taehyun on your blog, maybe I didn't know what to search for, but how do you see him? Soft dom, hard dom? Switch? Sub? He gives me a really, really interesting vibe. Very intense, as if he's not afraid of anything when it comes down to it and would try anything, but also reserved?

ahahahaha, i feel you—i'm right around your same age i think and i was lured in by Soobin being an adorable Jin stan, only to find out that once i was in the door, Yeonjun was waiting there to ambush me with his face and his voice and his stupid sweats that say "run up" right on his dick. 💀

you were probably searching just fine, it's just that there was nothing to find! this blog's only a month old and most of the asks i've been getting are about Soobin. so nearly all of what i've been writing is about. Soobin… 😂 (this is NOT me telling anybody to stop btw, i love it, i just also think it's deeply hilarious when the point of this blog was to stop yelling at my roommate about petplay and just write about getting railed by Bang Chan in a fursuit😂😂😂) re: searching my blog, tho, the most consistent set of tags i have is [group name/abbreviation][emoji]; for txt it's txt👾. if you're in the browser, you can find them all to the right of the page under 'Trending Tags'; i also have a link in my pinned navi post, but i'll add them all as actual tags to that post too, just so they're easier to get to.

i wasn't actually planning on writing for Tae or Hyuka, even though they've hit age of majority they're still very much cutie babies to me. (watching Hyuka in Lovesong felt too much like watching a babby cousin try to relive my high school days on tiktok 🥺) i DO know that the latest teasers have been fucking people up, tho, so like. check back in a bit and i might be singing a different song. 👀 (also if anyone wants to send anything my way that might make me change my mind... 👀👀👀)

looking at your question from my currently extremely clinical, well-hydrated perspective, tho—

i think you actually have a really good read on Taehyun! especially in regards to him being kind of reserved—when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships, he’d be very cautious with his feelings up until a certain point, but if you DO manage to get that far with him, then it’s all or nothing—like, following you out of the shire all the way to mt. doom kinda all or nothing. 🥺 and he's definitely the type to only get into d/s stuff with someone he really trusts (honestly, i don't think he'd even get too far along with vanilla physical intimacy without that level of trust, unless something had him really caught up in the moment). once you’re that person, though, buckle the fuck up cause you weren’t wrong about intensity. 😅

he'd take any kind of power play really seriously, even if you’re not interested in doing anything hardcore at first. he does a lot of research and wants to have serious, sit-down talks about what you both want and need, even if he has a hard time looking you in the eye for the first few conversations. it’s actually probably very sweet, because he tries really hard to make sure that you’re comfortable, even as you can see he’s clearly struggling.

Taehyun definitely starts things out sitting across from you at a table because that’s how Serious Grown-Up Converations happen, right? reach over and hold his hand, or better yet, make him move over to the couch with you to cuddle. he’s the type to get into his own head about this kind of thing, i think, so a reminder from you that this is something you’re both in together will go a long way towards him chilling the fuck out. especially if you’re older/more experienced than him—he won’t admit it, but he’s probably looking to the way you behave for cues and feeling like he’s got to try and keep up with you.

i think his personality would have him be slightly more inclined to dom, but inexperience might make subbing a little easier on him to start with; a lot of it would also depend on his partner. so basically, he’s switchy but distinctly dom-leaning. either way, he’ll want to go hard—while for some of the boys, i feel like d/s dynamics with them are more of a natural extension of your regular relationship dynamics, Taehyun would want them to be something distinctly different from your day-to-day. this isn’t a boy who goes halfway with things; whether he’s domming or subbing, he wants it to be exciting and intense and boundary-pushing. by the time the night is over, aftercare will involve putting one of you back together again.

once he’s confident he knows what he’s doing and (most importantly) knows how to read you, he’d honestly be a dream of a dom. he’s observant and careful, learns all your little nonverbal tells, so he knows what you’re feeling maybe even before you do, and uses that to play you like an instrument.

he’d be a really great partner for experimenting with, too, i think. unless it’s something that really squicks him out, Taehyun’s willing to try pretty much anything you’re interest in at least once. going to him with new ideas might be a little intimidating, because he’s more serious and measured, and not the type to immediately jump onboard enthusiastically like some people would *cough*Yeonjun*cough*, but he’ll always hear you out and never judge or shame you for what you want. even if it’s something he’s not that into at first, he’ll read up on it and look up videos; he’s the type of person whose response to “weird” kinks isn’t ‘what the fuck?’, but ‘what’s the appeal there?’, so he ends up rationalizing himself into a lot of new kinks, including most (if not all) of yours.

the only thing i would worry about is honestly him not letting you know where his limits are—he feels like the kind of person who would have trouble safewording when you hit a point that's uncomfortable for him in a scene, just because it's not something he brought up while you were establishing boundaries and rules. he’s the type to be very concerned about safewords and hard limits and aftercare for you, but forget that those things apply to him as well. if the way you two play gets really intense, you’re probably going to hit a point where you need to talk to him about being upfront and honest about what he needs.

tagging: @jensdior

[jeonggukieandcream]

Imagine Dracula finding out you’re afraid of the dark (x reader).

A/N Shameless self-insert 😂😂😂 I’m terrified of the dark and I’ve had a rough few nights with it, so I wrote down the things I thought about to help me sleep. I hope it comforts someone else. Never written for our sassy classy vamp so this might be totally shit. Written with romance in mind.

Warnings for: fear of the dark, crying (reader), general state of anxiety/anxiety attack.

Also, gender neutral reader and modern era Dracula.

Word count: 2, 417.

(He’s so ethereal I can’t - 🥺💙 every time I see him smile I drop all my uwus asdfghjk 🥺🥺🥺)

Your bedtime routine was that there was no routine. You slept when you were tired and you followed your body’s natural rhythm, which meant that you were often up during the hours which others considered to be unsociable. This meant that you got to spend more time with Dracula during his waking hours and sometimes, not that you would ever tell him, you even stayed up past being tired simply to spend some more time with him. 

Dracula knew about this, of course he did, he could smell your truth in your blood, and he had taken it upon himself to be the person to tell you to go to bed when it was no longer funny to him just how much you were putting your body through. You had never treated yourself well and it always made the vampire’s chest ache somewhere deep within him as he sought to protect you against yourself. Your self-destructive streak was evident and so it was when you yawned for the umpteenth time that Dracula unfolded himself gracefully from his chair and stood up. 

He walked towards you, his eyebrows raised and a hand outstretched. “I think...” He paused to look at you with an amused gleam in those dark pools of something foreboding and yet wholly safe, “that it’s bed time for the human, don’t you?”

You stifled another yawn as you debated fighting Dracula on it. He picked up on your thoughts, so well did he know you, and he cocked his head to the side in a silent challenge, a smirk growing on his aristocratic face. You conceded his point silently - you really were tired - but then something else you had forgotten slammed into you like a truck and you stopped. You just... stopped.

You held your breath as panic made your head grow hot from the inside and you could have sworn that your heart skipped a beat before its rate picked up slightly. You had completely forgotten to buy new batteries for the string of fairy lights which were suspended to the side of your bed. You had your laptop, which you could put Netflix on while you fell asleep, but what if you woke up in the complete darkness? Your breath hitched and your world lurched off its axis as you slid your palm over Dracula’s, his long fingers folding over your wrist. You stood up and took a deep breath. 

Dracula could feel your pulse racing beneath his calloused fingertips and he watched you curiously. What was scaring you? He could feel you wrestling for control over yourself and he admired your bravery; clearly whatever was upsetting you was something you couldn’t avoid or overcome and there you were, facing it anyway. The two of you stood there and looked for one another for a few tense seconds and then you seemed almost to shake yourself off as you kept your hand in Dracula’s hold. You trusted him and you walked to your bedroom, getting your body ready for bed.

Your mind, however, was racing and it was getting increasingly difficult to keep your breathing under control as every horror film you had ever seen, every horror book you had ever consumed and every creepypasta you had ever indulged in filled your tried and tired mind all at once. Even with your wrist tightly in Dracula’s grip (though you could pull away if you wanted to, you would have to make a real effort to do so), you still felt like you were lost in a stormy sea of your own feelings as fear, panic and a reluctance to go to sleep swept in like the tide and threatened to take you with it.

Dracula, who needed not to sleep at night, nocturnal was he, stood in the doorway and watched you as you sat down on your bed and took a deep breath. He chuckled as parts of the puzzle you had presented to him began to click into place with the surrounding jagged pieces. Oh, how fascinating you were. He wanted to dive into the very depths of your mind and explore every nook and cranny which was available to him. And, oh, your blood practically sung to him. You were intoxicating and your fear only made that scent so much more sweeter. “I could be wrong, Y/N, but I think you’re afraid of a few shadows.” Dracula stepped further forward into the room now that you were ready for bed and he shut the door behind him with a quiet but firm click. All that remained of the world now was the two of you; there was no room for anything or anyone else other than what the two of you had nurtured between you. 

Dracula was fond of you, confused though he was as to the origins of this, and you were as equally fond of him. You had had an unconventional friendship and from this garden had some oddly shaped flowers bloomed. They were perfect. If you had to put a label on it, then you would say that you were romantically involved with one another, but Dracula had no interest in labels. He cared only for the truths contained inside your blood, and the ones he knew to rest within his own self, too. Those three words, spoken too much and yet not enough, had yet to be spoken by either of you, but the sentiment was still known and felt; echoed was it by the both of you so that neither of you could doubt the sincerity of the connection you shared. 

You were beyond the point of where you could successfully lie (not that Dracula would allow you that luxury; he could smell a lie even before it occurred to you to tell one), so you nodded. “I’ve always been scared of the dark and I... don’t have any batteries for my lights.” Dracula’s gaze followed your own as you pointedly looked up at your fairy lights. “I might be all right with the laptop but... I just have to hope that I don’t wake up in the night. The thought of doing that terrifies me, I - “ You hadn’t even known that your eyes were watering and as the knowledge that you were truly scared began to sunk in, so too did you begin to cry; for emotions express themselves in the vessel which houses them. Tears, hot and heavy, poured down your cheeks and you met Dracula’s gaze with shame as you said, “I really don’t want to turn the light off, Drac. What if - what if I wake up in the dark and you’re not there and I’m all alone in my fear, I - “ You choked on your next breath and your eyes widened. Panic gripped your heart and being forced to face your most debilitating fear without warning shocked you; this only fed into the fear and on did the cycle continue.

“Y/N.”  Your name, spoken in Drac’s clipped tone, broke through the haze in your mind and you dashed your hand across your face, wiping your tears away without care. “I want you to listen to me.” You nodded, taking several deep breaths as you wiped away tears which fell. All you had to do was slip underneath the duvet, lay down and close your eyes. So simple was it in theory, you did it every night with little thought beyond making sure the lights were bright enough for you, and yet it was, in practice, the most daunting task you could think of in this moment. “I want you to remain calm.” Your eyes flew up to meet Dracula’s. Couldn’t he see that you were the very opposite of calm? The vampire met your eyes and he smiled gently, a feigned look of patience in his eyes, familiar though he was with fears of his own which had plagued him for centuries. “You’re doing very well. Now - “ Dracula’s hand reached out for the light switch and you made a pitiful noise. He inclined his head as a reminder to listen to him. Something in his dark gaze enabled you to see this gesture for what it truly was. Dracula knew that you lacked the courage in this moment to turn the light out, that you couldn’t make yourself face your own fear even though it was your only option if you wanted to sleep tonight. So, he was taking that choice away from you - he was going to be the one to expose you to your fear, and he was also going to protect you from that very thing. Dracula had been isolated for over five hundred years and in that time his social skills had become... less than ideal, but he tried for you. Slowly were you teaching him the ways of modern society and through you was he quickly becoming acclimatised to such a muddled and chaotic world.

The room was plunged into total darkness with a sharp click and you gasped sharply, Dracula’s name leaving you in a rush. You were not shushed, you were not comforted with words. Instead, a piece of the darkness which was blacker than the rest of the room quickly made its way towards you and you made another small noise of fear, your throat thickened with unshed tears. A hand came out of the dark like it was made of it and curved to the shape of your cheek. A thumb brushed soothingly across your damp skin and you relaxed under the simple yet affectionate touch. Oh, how easily could Dracula snap your neck in this moment. He could rip out your throat, carve your heart out with his bare hand and let your warm blood pool in his palm... he was a predator and the scariest thing in any room... to everyone but you.

You, who had once stood in the middle of a brightly lit room and held a hand out as you waited patiently for Dracula to understand that his fears had been unfounded for so long. You, who had coaxed him out into the sunlight with patience and tenderness he had never seen and shown him who he truly was with his hands tightly held in yours the entire time. You, who snuck into The Harker Foundation using the key Jack had given you a long time ago so that you could steal blood bags so that Dracula didn’t have to kill during the times in which it was too dangerous for him to do so. You, in all of your mortality, had won the heart of the world’s most dangerous creature... and yet, he was the safest danger to you. Not even Death could reach you when your warlord was around. You were completely untouchable with Dracula and he made sure that you always knew that.

You.

The two of you were whole individuals all on your own and you could certainly survive without each other, but you chose not to. You woke up every day and you chose to love Dracula, some days was that sentiment expressed harder than it usually was, and Dracula did the very same with you. In that choice lay the power of the love you shared with one another and nothing and no one could ever or would ever tear you asunder.

“Let’s get you familiar with the dark, shall we? Come here.” Dracula swept you up into his arms like you weighed nothing and holding you cradled in one arm, your arms redundantly locked around his neck (he would never drop you; you were precious cargo whenever he held you), he pulled back the duvet and eased himself into the bed. You settled atop his body, your forehead brushing against his neck. “This isn’t so scary, is it?” Just as he spoke did the floorboards in your home begin to settle and you gasped and tried to move off of Dracula, but he held fast. “Y/N.” A warning. It was one you decided to heed. 

With Dracula holding you to his chest, it was impossible for you to look anywhere around the room despite every nerve in your body screaming for you to do so. Dracula needed you to be forced to focus on him and only on him; your heart was pounding on your chest and he idly wondered if it was going to break free of your ribcage and fly free of the constraints of your body’s own making. As his large hand stroked up and down your back in fluid motions and the other hand remained resting on the back of your head, you found yourself slowly, slowly starting to relax. But one thing was missing. You wanted not only to feel Drac, but also to hear him. In your blood were you heard, for everything is in blood if one knows how to listen, and Drac began to sing quietly. You couldn’t make out the words and you knew not the language he sang in, but it sounded like a purring when you burrowed down further so that your ear was over his chest, and in the arms of the world’s most feared being did you find nothing but solace, peace and love.

You eventually slept, your body the most welcomed and wanted dead weight, and Dracula stayed with you throughout the night to make sure that he was there if you awoke once more. You were so full of fear, through no fault of your own, and he had sworn to protect you, even if it was only to himself. It was a promise he would honour through his actions; more reliable were they than words. You had reached out for him and he had answered your call and now forevermore were your fates entangled. Dracula knew now that he loved you, in his own ways, and he wanted to remain by your side forever. A creature of the night he may have been, but there was hope for you to join him yet and for that, for you, Dracula would wait. Forever, if he had to. He could be patient when he needed to be, having once slept for one hundred and twenty three years. A human’s lifespan was a mere blink compared to his own existence but when finally would you step into an eternal sleep, he would be there to rouse you and to make you his finest and final bride.

REQUESTS FOR DRACULA 2020 ARE OPEN! PLEASE SEND ME AN ASK! Headcanons, a fic or a matchup! 🥰🥰🥰

[ti-bae-rius]

Following on from @imherongraystairstrash’s amazing Thomas and Kit fic (which is here: https://imherongraystairstrash.tumblr.com/post/654901507028828161/i-know-you-write-about-relationships-in-tlh-and) here’s my addition to this lil fanfic universe, in which Thomas and Christopher discuss love and what love means.

Some period-specific discussion around sexual and romantic orientation but pretty darn positive!

Christopher dropped his carpet bag down on the bed in the room opposite Thomas’s with a sigh.

“Mam went to visit Uncle Henry, and he said that we should be able to go back to the house tomorrow by tea time. Mam and Dad have taken Alex to Aunt Tessa and Uncle Will’s. I haven’t a clue where Anna went. Mam asked if she’d somewhere to go and Anna said ‘I’ll find someone’ and Mam said ‘you mean somewhere?’ and Anna said ‘If you like’ and that caused an almighty row, so I’ve come here.”

Thomas glanced up from where he’d been filling the basin for Christopher, and grinned at him in the looking glass hanging above it.

“What a palaver.”

“Not half. And then Mam made me get rid of all the clothes I was wearing when the experiment went awry, so that’s another shirt gone to buggery. Anna’s inherited wardrobe is waning by the second.”

“I can’t imagine Anna would be seen dead in your old clobber, Kit.”

“Not anymore, but she used nab it all. I’m sure she thought I didn’t notice, but I did.”

“You never asked her about it?” Thomas asked. A knock at the door made him pause before he got an answer, accepting the plate offered by one of the maids. He handed Christopher the tea cake, pooling with melting butter, and stretched out on the rug as his cousin ate.

“Well none of it mattered a jot to me. They were just clothes. They meant something to Anna.” He set down his tea cake in indignation. “Oh, and I was pretending to sleep in the carriage here, but I heard Mam and Dad talking about Anna. Apparently the Clave are kicking up a fuss again about her, saying she could be muddling foolish shadowhunter girls. But Anna in spats and a waistcoat is still Anna. I hardly think a pair of trousers is going to baffle ladies out of their heads, and if they think girls are so easily duped, then it’s not the girls who are the foolish ones.”

Christopher understood Anna so well, Thomas thought, watching as - now serene after his outburst - Christopher happily tucked into his tea cake, fingers slick with runny butter. He understood Anna, so he’d understand Thomas. At least, Thomas thought, he hoped that was the case.

“I’ve something I want to tell you,” Thomas said, and his voice trembled a little with the nerves as he said it. He picked up his teacup but the saucer clattered against the base as his hands shook.

“Mind, you’ll drop that,” Christopher said, and Thomas put the cup back down. “Well whatever it is, it sounds frightfully serious.”

“It’s not all that serious,” Thomas insisted. “I don’t suppose it is anyway. Unless you find it serious. You might do.” He forced a breath between clenched teeth and reminded himself why he wanted to tell Kit. Because he’d understand. Because he was Anna’s brother. Because he was Thomas’s best friend.

“I...don’t fancy women. I fancy...other boys. You’re the first person I’ve told.”

Christopher’s violet eyes widened behind his spectacles, brows shooting up towards his hairline.

“Are you surprised?” Thomas hazarded nervously.

“Hugely.”

“You didn’t guess then?”

“About you...I didn’t give it a fig. I mean, I’m surprised you told me first. No one ever tells me anything first.”

“Well, you’re my best friend.”

If possible, Christopher’s eyes widened further, huge saucer-like circles of shock.

“I’m your best friend?”

Thomas almost laughed. “Of course you are. ‘Course, Kit. Besides, you can’t possibly be more surprised by that than...than the other part.”

“Well that is interesting news,” Christopher nodded. “Certainly interesting. Lots of recent scientific papers have been published on the subject. I tried to show Anna but she asked if they had any advice for seducing women, and then when I said it wasn’t a how-to guide she said it sounded dull.”

“Well I’m not to be experimented on,” Thomas said, and Christopher glanced across, wounded.

“Of course not. I didn’t mean...It’s just how I explain things I...” He patted Thomas’s shoulder helplessly. “It’s all alright with me, old boy. Any of it. Because I’m your...best friend.” He said these last two words with such earnest, such pleasure, that it set Thomas’s heart alight.

“You won’t tell the rest of the lads, will you?” he asked nervously and Christopher shook his head so firmly his spectacles shifted down his nose.

“Of course I shan’t,” he said, pushing them back up with a finger. “I’ll probably forget by supper tomorrow.”

They both knew that wasn’t true, but Thomas ruffled Kit’s hair in thanks anyway, muttering some gruff comment about that being about right. Nevertheless, he could see Christopher grinning.

“Thomas? Are you up?”

Setting down his book, Thomas padded over and opened his bedroom door, admitting a Christopher who was squinting without his spectacles. Thomas pulled him into the room and closed the door behind them. The candle he was reading by was starting to burn low, so he activated his witchlight lantern and set it on the bedside table. Christopher peered at the book and then back at Thomas.

“Couldn’t you sleep either?”

“You look like a mole when you don’t have your eyeglasses on,” Thomas replied instead, evading the question. His heart still felt as if it was leaping out of his chest, like he’d been infected with demon poison. He felt lighter and heavier all at once. His secret didn’t feel quite so suffocating now he’d told Kit, but speaking it had made it somehow more real. There was no hiding from it now.

“I had a question for you,” Christopher went on, tucking his knees up into his nightgown. Thomas, in a pair of striped pyjamas his mother had bought him, didn’t know how his cousin didn’t freeze to death.

“Which was?” Thomas prompted.

“When did you know that you liked other lads, not girls?”

Thomas tried to swallow the shock of the question. When did he know? How did he know? Didn’t everyone just somehow know? “I suppose...I’ve always felt it. But it became impossible to ignore when I was about 11 or so.”

Christopher seemed to heave a sigh of relief, though Thomas was half-inclined to believe he’d imagined it. Was his cousin wondering whether he was out of the woods to fall victim to Thomas’s own proclivities?

“I suppose it’s the same as you knowing you fancied girls.”

Christopher didn’t say anything for a while, and Thomas presumed that was all, when Christopher suddenly spoke again into the silence, voice dropped to a hush.

“Well, you see, that’s sort of it. I’m not sure I do know that. I don’t really know that I’m fond of...anyone in that way, girls or boys.” Though the light was low, Thomas could sense Christopher wrinkling his nose the way he did when he was puzzled. “I suppose that makes me awfully peculiar,” he said quietly.

“Not peculiar, at least not any more so than me,” Thomas told him. “Besides, you’re only 14. Perhaps you’re just a late bloomer. You’re ever so studious, you’re probably just too busy for courting. You have plenty of time to court girls.”

“I just...” Christopher cut himself off with a sigh. “I’m fond of lots of people. I’m fond of you, and Jamie and Matthew. I’m fond of my family - even Alex and his relentless grizzling. I’m fond of lots of people. But...I don’t think I can really imagine wanting to kiss anyone - and I definitely can’t imagine wanting to do anything in a marriage bed.”

“Well,” Thomas began, not really sure where his answer was going to lead him. “Like I say, you have plenty of time. But, even if you didn’t ever want something like that, you’d still be Christopher. It wouldn’t change anything for us, all of us who know you.”

“You don’t think that would be a tremendously odd life? Never being in love?”

“I’m not sure I’m the one to comment on what’s odd or not, especially not in matters of love,” Thomas pointed out, smiling. “But...I don’t see why it should be. Like you said, you’re fond of so many people, and they’re all so fond of you. It wouldn’t be as if your life was without love. By the angel, you’d be lucky to even escape it for a day with so much family around you who dote on you. Just because you wouldn’t want to take a wife...that shouldn’t mean you would have a life without love. Not when we all love you so.”

“And even if you were in love with some lad, we’d still be friends, wouldn’t we?”

“‘Course we would, Kit. You’ve seen what Aunt Tessa and my mother are like; Shadowhunters stay friends for life, especially when they’re family. We’ll always be best friends.”

“Well then, I don’t suppose the rest of it matters,” Christopher said, and Thomas’s heart wriggled free of the iron grip of anxiety, just a little, because Kit still loved him. And, Thomas agreed, the rest of it didn’t matter.

[zishustits]

oooooh ship bingo! i recently heard about these two concepts and would love to hear your take: ye baiyi and lan xichen, and xie'er and lan xichen <3

Oohhh okay, first I have to say I'm not actually into crossovers BUT let's forget about that for a little bit, these concepts are interesting.

First, Ye Baiyi and Lan Xichen. Let's see what they have in common.

They are both high skilled cultivators, very relevant figures in their respective societies.

They share common values such as righteousness, compassion, honor, service without waiting for anything in return, even kindness (more explicit in Lan Xichen).

They are not rigid in their principles though. Both acknowledge that most of the times you cannot judge a person as bad or good, nor a situation as black or white. They have struggled with it sometimes (i.e. Ye Baiyi considering whether he should kill Wen Kexing or not after knowing he's the chief of Ghost Valley, while also being aware of the difficult circumstances that led him to become that evil figure, which are indirectly related to YBY as Rong Xuan was his disciple. Also Lan Xichen caught between the evidence that Meng Yao has committed very wrong deeds and the kindness he has known from him)

Both have lost their loved ones forever.

Both have a tendency for retirement and solitude.

Apart from that, LXC has this noble and respectable aura that makes people feel calm and reassured when he's around, like if there's any problem it's okay, LXC probably knows how to solve it, he's diplomatic, also he will protect his people from danger, always keeping that composed calmness that's inherent to him (even if there's inner turmoil).

Now I consider, Ye Baiyi is very similar too, think of those scenes in the first episodes of WoH, when he gave Gao Chong the token of honor, then at the second Heroes Conference when everyone turned to him as a guide for what to do with the Ghost Valley issue, and also when WKX and ZZS fell from the bridge Cheng Ling felt reassured having YBY to help him. People feel relieved when he's around to lead them and solve problems.

So now, if LXC and YBY met I think they'd be a good match, like they would sense the similarities of their souls, especially the influence they have on others, now I can't find the words, but it's related to the righteousness and the high moral values and elevated cultivation they have achieved. Also they would perceive the isolation that comes with being far from the mortal realm for so long (for Ye Baiyi) and with being an important figure of the cultivation society that also has lost someone who was very important to him (in the case of LXC).

I believe they'd connect easily, like oh I recognize you, you are similar to me. And also they would enjoy learning from each other, YBY has reached the most elaborated martial arts skills and LXC is outstanding in musical cultivation (or whatever name it is). They see each other as equals and no one feels less than the other.

However, I think Ye Baiyi would break all of the Lan rules XD and be upset all the time, like why can't I just sit on the roofs at night to watch the stars while drinking alcohol? But as LXC is the Gusu leader (I think? Can't remember what he was at the end of The Untamed) and he is far from strict as LQR was, he would ignore it. In fact, I think he knows most of the rules are outdated and unnecessary, so they just keep following the rules that are actually related to master one's discipline, being righteous, respecting your elders and seniors and being kind to your sworn brothers and so on.

They might cultivate together. Keep each other company even as they are just sitting there in meditative contemplation or just enjoying the silence. Talk about ancient knowledge.

As for the type of relationship, I don't actually think it would be of romantic or sexual nature, like they were devoted to one partner in the past (probably more platonically than anything, at least on YBY part) and seem to me the kind of people that does not engage with anyone else after his companion has died, at least in the same way, like sometimes it's hard to reach the same level of deep connection with someone else. That doesn't mean they could not forge a close relationship, but to me it's not the same vibe as xiyao or rongye (or whatever the name of this ship is).

Following the bingo classification, I'd say Best friends, or Qplatonic at most. Also I'm intrigued to know what other kind of relationship people think they could develop. If you want to share with me, I'd love to know your ideas!!

Okay, probably for the next one I'll try to write less because I realized how long this is getting (it's just a bingo, please brain!!!), and I should finish some college stuff buut it's not less interesting to me I swear!!

So Xie'er and LXC. First, I think LXC would be aware of the good that's in Xie'er and his potential, mostly his inexhaustible willpower and determination, which have been until now directed towards, let's say, flawed goals? All that energy and intelligence wasted on another man's dream. It's unacceptable!!

The principal thing that comes to my mind and that struck me since Xie'er first appeared was the he seems to know who is everyone, like he saw ZZS and WKX together for the first time and he thought, why are the former leader of the Window of Heaven and the chief of Ghost Valley together wtf? While everyone else was like oh, two righteous wanderers, never heard of them before. Xie'er clearly knows how to obtain the right information, he has the mind of a researcher, and that could be put to good use.

Also Xie'er knows a lot about venoms and their antidotes, is that not another relevant and useful skill he has??? Again here, he is a researcher, as for instance he discovered the cure to the Meng Po soup was Drunk like a dream. Furthermore, he probably knows a lot about survival, hiding, disguising himself, being a shadow amongst shadows, fighting (especially dirty tricks), and leadership skills. He also has some knowledge on magic tricks (with the Drug men) that could be the simile to demonic cultivation.

All this knowledge and abilities could be put to good use, not to achieve other's goals, but to help people, for example, finding a cure to their poisoning or demonic possession (or whatever), instructing others on different facts that could be useful if they need to hide from a threat, survive in the wild for some time, coming alive from a fight with a nasty opponent an so on.

I mean, I haven't mentioned LXC until now but let's assume he is aware of everything about Xie'er's skills that I have described. Also, he realizes Xie'er has a good soul, it's something you can see right away if you spend a minimum of time with him. He has shown it with actions too, for instance, when he released Liu Qian Qiao and his lover, also that scene after the battle at mount Qingya (I'm still crying about Cao Wei Ning and Gu Xiang, my poor babies ;~;) when he left WKX and ZZS go (although he had a sword to his neck gssbsbsbsb), and of course everything he did for Zhao Jing, out of his love and affection for him.

Okay, he has done bad deeds, but he has kindness in him. A kindness that has not actually been nurtured but has developed there anyways. He has a tendency to serve others, that we see mostly with his yifu. Those are important values that might be developed and focused to actions that make an improvement on people's lives, and probably on Xie'er's own.

And LXC is determined to do that. Like he sees Xie'er's efforts to serve others because it's something that comes naturally out of him, but realizes it needs to be properly acknowledged as no one has done that before (we only got to see him do things for his yifu, who rarely showed any gratefulness for it, and only this time with Qian Qiao she almost got to say something nice to him, but Xie'er turned away swiftly, like he is not used to receive positive feedback on his good actions at all, so probably it's not something that he feels comfortable with).

I believe LXC would nurture this good side of Xie'er, praising those little (and bigger) services he does for others, which would act as a positive reinforcement. Also he would show interest in Xie'er's skills, and what he does in his free time (like no one has shown some interest in this before?), as well as his emotional state and stuff. Showing that he genuinely cares about him. That he appreciates Xie'er for who he is.

Also he would encourage him to persevere on those abilities he has and teach others, maybe the Lan disciples. So Xie'er would see that his skills can be used for some other things that are not killing or trying to become the king of the world.

As for Xie'er, he would grow to like LXC, finally finding someone who really cares about him, knowing for the first time in his life what it is to be seen and appreciated by someone who does not expect nothing from him in return. Learning that he deserves to be loved that way (and I don't necessarily mean romantically).

And that he does not need to kill for others anymore. He can become the person he wants to be, not what others want to get from him. LXC would show him he can do good deeds and they will be appreciated, even if he's doing it for others is something he inherently has done before, it nurtures his soul. He needs to experience more of that. And LXC would encourage it. He is patient, he is kind, he rarely lashes out, he has predictable reactions unlike his yifu (I mean, when Xie'er did something to please him but sometimes he would react nicely and many others he wouldn't, let's ignore if his actions were morally correct or not, the fact is Zhao Jing would respond differently to similar things).

Also Xie'er is able to discern what's good and what's harmful, and I believe that given he could choose freely, without thinking is this what my Yifu would do, he would be inclined to do the good thing. LXC encourages that.

Okay, I will not elaborate more, probably I've even been redundant several times. This relationship would definitely be great for Xie'er, for him to learn what is a healthy bond and to grow as a person.

But I don't think it would develop into a romantic or sexual kind of relationship. It just don't give me those vibes. LXC and Xie'er have different backgrounds, LXC is a sect leader and devoted to cultivation, Xie'er is the leader of a shady assassin organization and has developed other kinds of abilities.

Dunno, I don't feel them like equals, as it feels with YBY and LXC, for them the cultivation/martial arts skills are one of the main pillars of their lives and it's something they can share together, LXC and Xie'er are way too different. There might be some power imbalance too, and LXC would be somewhat taking care of Xie'er and not quite the opposite? (save from those little services Xie'er would do for him). Well, this is not probably a good reason because I like some ships with power imbalances too.

But I mean, they just don't click to me as a couple at least. More like a teacher/student relationship perhaps, or a friendship at most. Perhaps I just can't ship it any other way because of my strugglr with crossovers, but with YBY and LXC it was clearer to me that, well, it could be possible.

I'd love to know your takes on these two concepts too, whether you talk to me directly or in a post!!

@goldensprite

[captastra]

Day Three

Fandom: Resident Evil

Pairing: Jill and Carlos

Prompt:  Word: outside | setting: wedding

Words: 2k

Warnings: drinking

@writersmonth

Soft music floated around the room, mixing in with the murmur from the people gathered to celebrate Chris and Albert's wedding. A sunset wedding had melted into an evening reception but no one showed signs of slowing down or heading home. Jill glanced about the room, taking in the people sitting at the tables chatting, people scattered about the rest of the room, and ending on the happy couple in the middle of the dance floor.

Chris and Wesker seemed lost in each other, laughing and chatting about something. Jill was too far away to hear what they were saying, but she was surprised to see Wesker smile. Hell, she didn’t think she had seen Wesker smile once before he became engaged to Chris. She never liked; always seemed to have a secret or something, Jill wasn’t sure...

“Earth to Jill.”

Callous fingers touched Jill's chin and gently turned her face up until she was staring into a pair of brown eyes. Carlos's eyebrows were furrowed as he searched her face. Once he saw that she was looking at him, his face broke out into a warm smile. He held her close against him, arms wrapped around her waist while hers were wrapped around his neck. They had been swaying to the music for the past 10 minutes or so, neither in the mood to go all out, more enjoying being in each other's company. Or at least one of them was.

Jill gave him an apologetic smile as she spoke, “Sorry, what were you saying.”

He raised an eyebrow at her before shaking his head. "You can't keep worrying about him. I know you guys have been friends for a long time, but he's a grown man. Besides," he pulled her close until their bodies were nearly flush against each other, leaning close enough so he could whisper in her ear, "wouldn't you rather be staring at the most handsome man in the room?"

Jill had to stifle a giggle, not wanting to give into him just yet. "The most handsome man here? No clue who that could be." She pulled back from him, making a show of looking around the room. "Hmm, not saying anyone here. You sure there's someone like that here?"

"You wound me Jill." She felt his arms wrap tighter around her before he lifted her up off the ground and spun her around for a moment. A yelp escaped her lips that drew a couple eyes from other dancers but no one said anything. He set her down after that, chuckling to himself at Jill's wide eyed expression.

"If I tell you you're the most handsome man here, do you promise to never do that again?" She clung to his arms tightly, still trying to right herself from the spin. Looking up at him, she saw he was wearing that lopsided grin that she was sure won most people over. She hated to admit it worked well on her too.

"Can't promise never, but for tonight, maybe." She tensed when he wrapped his arms around, which drew a laugh from him. "Ok, I promise."

Trusting him, they settled back into their position from earlier. Soft music stilled played through the speakers and they began swaying to the music again. Jill found herself searching the dance crowd again but was able to stop herself this time. Carlos was right.  She couldn’t keep focusing on Chris and if he made the right choice or not.  He was like a brother to her, one of the most important people in her life, but he made a choice and seemed happy with that. The least she could do was be happy for him.

Letting out a sigh, Jill asked, "So what was it you were saying to me earlier?

“I was saying you look lovely tonight. “ His gaze trailed down her dress and he gave her a teasing smile. “Nothing else I’d prefer to stare at tonight.”

Jill let herself relax. She could have fun too, no matter what others might say. She leaned forward until they were close enough to kiss him and reveled in the way his eyes snapped from her lips to her eyes. “Oh really now? No one else is catching your eye tonight?”

She expected him to tease her the same way she teased him but was happy to see he kept his attention on her. She leaned forward, brushing her lips softly against his and pulled away. He followed her, ready to capture her lips with his, before a voice interrupted them.

“Jill there you are!” Turning, she saw Claire rush towards her. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” She had to stop for a moment, catching her breath from running over to them. “Leon - oh boy - Leon’s had too much to drink and now he won’t stop being sappy about the wedding. I don’t want to bother Chris because, well you know” - she motioned towards him and Wesker dancing- “please help.”

"Uh," Jill glanced up at Carlos. He rolled his eyes but shrugged. Neither of them could say no to Claire and the last thing they needed was a scene disrupting the wedding. And seeing Claire's frantic bobbing on her heels, Jill worried that would happen. But as she spoke up, Carlos beat her to it.

“Guess we should go save him from himself.”

She gave him an apologetic smile and mouthed thank you as they followed Claire through the dining tables.  At a corner table near the open bar, Leon was sitting there nursing a glass of water. Even from this far away Jill could tell that he hadn't taken a sip from it. He had his head rested on his hand, a wistful look on his face as he stared at nothing in particular. There was a pink hue on his cheeks and every few seconds he let out a soft sigh.

“I don’t think he got any sleep last night or much food in him since then,” Claire offered as they watched Leon sit there. He sniffled and started to teeter to one side before righting himself. “He’s been so busy trying to help Chris and you with the wedding, he neglected himself, as usual. I’ve tried to get him to eat something or at least drink some water” - she motioned to the glass in his hand - “but nothing. He's just a sappy mess right now and I don't know what to do.” Claire threw up her hands in exasperation. "The man never listens to me."

“Maybe I can ta-” Carlos stopped talking when Jill placed a hand on his chest.

“Let me.” She let out a sigh and walked over to Leon. He didn't notice her approach, even as she stood right next to him. “Hey Leon, how’s it going?”

He continued to sit there, teetering on his chin. Realizing he hadn't heard her, Jill tapped his shoulder as gently as she could. The last thing she needed was to scare him. But he didn't jump at her touch, instead it took him a few more seconds before finally, he turned around to face her. They stared at each other for another few seconds, Leon blinking rapidly a few times as he looked at her. It must have dawned on him who she was because his face lit up as he smiled up at her.

“Jiiiillll, I’m so happy to see you,” he slurred his words slightly, “isn’t this wedding just, just so romantic.” He let out another sniffle before attempting to get up out of his chair. “I can’t believe Chris is married. Our dad is married, Jill. We have to accept a new parent in our group!”

He fumbled with the chair but as soon as he was standing on his legs, he immediately started to stumble. Not wanting him to fall, Jill pushed him back down into his chair and sat down next to him. Thankfully he didn't fight her, too caught up in mumbling something about "new dad" and "changes in the friend group".

Jill understood what he was saying but didn’t know what to say to comfort Leon while he was in this state. She opted to pat his back as he continued to ramble about Chris and their friend group.

“It’s a big change for all of us, but Chris is happy. That’s what matters.” She continued to rub his back as she spoke. “We’ll see him at work once he’s back from his honeymoon. We’ll mana-”

Leon suddenly wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tightly, “I know! I’m so haaappy for him. But what about you Jill?” He looked up at her with big, sad eyes. “When will you get married? You’d make such a pretty bride. Then both of the parents will be tied off!”

A slight cough came from behind them, but Jill didn’t dare look. She knew it came from Carlos and she didn’t need him to see how red she was. It’s not that they hadn’t talked about it, but they were happy with life at the moment. Now wasn’t the time to bring it up, especially by Leon who wouldn’t even remember this conversation the next day.

“Ok Leon" - she patted his back awkwardly - "I think we should go for a walk.” She unwrapped his arms from around her and stood up. “Maybe some fresh air will help.” She held out her hand to him, still determined to not to look behind her, but Leon only stared at it confused.

"But I don't wanna."

"C'mon Leon, it'll do you some good." He opened his mouth to argue, but when he caught the look on her face, he stopped. Instead he moved his whole body to look at the two people standing behind her. He glanced at her, back at the two people behind her, and back at her. “Oh...Should I not have…”

“It's fine buddy.” Jill felt someone walk up behind her before a warm hand, Carlos’s hand, squeezed her shoulder. Glancing back, she saw Carlos calmly looking at Leon. His faced was relaxed so she knew he wasn't mad, but there was something there she couldn't quite read. “Go for a walk outside with Jill.”

Leon sniffled again before jumping out of his seat to wrap both his arms around the two of them. They both let out grunts of surprise; Claire laughing at their expense.

“I love you guys." Leon mumbled into Carlos's shoulder. He lifted his head up to find Claire, pointing a finger at her when he did. "You too Claire. Come give us a hug.”

"Oh no," Claire covered her mouth as she laughed, "This is one family hug I'm happy to watch from the outside."

They laughed as Leon stuck his tongue out at her. "Guess you'll just miss out on all the fun then!" He squeezed Jill and Carlos to prove his point and this set off another round of laughter.

They continued to laugh as Leon mumbled about how much he loved them, Chris, apparently Wesker too. After another few moments of that, Leon seemed more inclined when Jill suggested they go for a walk again.

"Alright mom."

This set off another round of giggles from Claire but Jill ignored it.

Holding him up slightly, Jill and Leon set off to walk around the outskirts of the reception.

~~

Carlos watched them walk away, loving how patient Jill was being with Leon in his current state. Wedding and marriage had been the topic of discussion for months now, to the point they had lost all meaning. But with Leon’s question, it all came flooding back; what was next for him and Jill? He wasn’t ready to answer that today and knew Jill wasn’t either.

“Leon is going to hate himself in the morning,” Claire sounded amused at the prospect. The two of them enjoyed teasing each other and Carlos was sure Leon would not hear the end of it from Claire.

But his thoughts remained focused on Leon’s words and his own future. Their time would come, but for now he was content to know that he was the luckiest man in the world by having Jill by his side.

[zandracourt]

I’ve been reflecting a lot on Cas’ recent confession of love and the responses I’ve been seeing across tumblr and Twitter. As a Destiel fic writer, I am thrilled to see this become canon and as a queer woman, also really touched to see how much Misha has embraced this as a really significant thing. I already ordered my Only Love merch. So I’m content with it all as much as it is. SPN has never made queer representation its issue. SPN *has* responded to its fanbase, who have both pushed the importance of representation and also brought the actors into a realm of growth over queer issues that they may never have come to without this show and this fandom. For that reason, I don’t think it’s helpful to be mad at Jensen or the Showrunners for Destiel not being perfect. You don’t have to celebrate them as allies, but the anger and vitriol just doesn’t help, in my opinion.

BUT...where my thoughts have been going is around what it means to be an actor in a ‘ship and what the impact of the story has on the actors, the fandom, and the constant dance of who controls the story because I think this has been something that even with straight characters has had serious impacts on how fans feel about an ending.

My first fandom, Starsky & Hutch, was mostly written by a gay man who wrote “straight” characters because that was what they had to be in 1974. The characters and show plots were such that the actors felt the love underneath the words and acted accordingly. Back then, it wasn’t so much queer baiting as queer coding. I find it amazing that my parents never thought for a minute Starsky and Hutch were gay, but even as a 7 year old, I knew they were in love and saw them that way. And anyone who watches the show now, it’s so clear that it’s almost laughable. When their show won the Peopel’s Choice award in 1977, David Soul said in his acceptance speech that the best part of being on this show was that people saw two men who “could be anything”. He knew that queer folk read their characters as gay and that straight folks saw them as straight and he was happy for both to be true. While the show never had an explicitly romantic declaration, the characters held hands, hugged, and in the final episode, their final scene is Hutch crawling into Starsky’s hospital bed with him, something done with amusement, but was completely coded to mean something else. It was never “canon”, but the ‘ship has lasted 46 years with new fic being written even now.

In the new SW films, actor Oscar Isaac was not at all quiet about his feelings that his character, Poe Dameron, was in love with Finn. He stated he played him that way (and was not directed otherwise) and he even explicitly asked for that ship to be made canon. He was told no and that is not how the story ended. The romance plot was instead focused on two other characters. Some fans liked that. Many didn’t. In general, though, the story is open-ended enough that shippers could have Stormpilot be their ship and there is nothing that really contradicts that. In that scenario, Oscar had his sense of who this character was and felt strongly about that, but in the end, it wasn’t his story, so the ending was what it was.

Hawai’i Five-0 ended its 10 year run last spring. Actor Scott Caan said in an interview during the show’s 5-year mark that he wanted to see his charcter have a romantic story line with his other lead, Steve McGarrett. And while Scott did not go so far as Oscar Isaac did to say he made his acting choices based on that, watching him and Alex play their characters, there was definitely some intention to show their characters as loving one another. Actor Alex O’Loughlin voiced a few times over the years that he felt his character would not get back together with Catherine, a woman his character was on-again, off-again with, because he felt Steve had reached his limit with what Catherine had done to him. The series made a decision to end with Steve leaving Hawai’i behind and flying away with Catherine. Neither actor has commented much about the show’s ending, but clearly it went against what both actors had publicly expressed in the past. Again, they don’t control the story, but they do understand their characters after playing them for so many years and they are invested in that. In that sense, the actor’s subsequent silence about how the show ended says quite a bit. And McDanno fans were very unsatisfied with the show’s ending, myself included.

So we come to Destiel. Over the years, this ship has been very controversial in part because one actor (Misha) has clearly been OK with his character being perceived as being in love with Dean, while the other actor (Jensen) has not. At times he has been very negative about it, and that has been taken by some fans to imply how Jensen feels about homosexuality in general. I’m not convinced it does, but I understand why people feel that way. Over the 12 years since Cas’ introduction on the show, there clearly has been a shift from the writers and showrunners avoiding the topic entirely, to talking about it, and now to having Cas confess his feelings of love to Dean in canon. In the days since, Misha has been unequivocal in saying Cas is romantically in love with Dean and that he has played him that way, at least for this season and likely longer. Misha is proud that he was able to advocate for Cas to be gay and he clearly understands why it is important for the show to have made this choice. For Jensen’s part, however, he has stated he has not played Dean that way and from video clips of him talking about the show’s ending, it appears that he needed some convincing to accept this as the story. To his credit though, once he was convinced that this was something show creator (Eric Kripke) could envision as part of Dean’s character arc, he was on-board with this ending and feels statisfied with it. And I think some of the frustration folks feel stems from both in how the actors portrayed their characters and in which takes were chosen to be in the final cuts of episodes. In that way, the show has fed this ship, whether the actors realized it or not, and that is why Destiel has felt particularly painful at times. The fanbase has been gaslighted for seeing it at all (from actors and showrunners) while the directors have seemed to go out of their way to choose shots where the actor’s choices were more tender and affectionate and write lines where characters make explicit statements about Dean and Cas as romantic. I can’t help but wonder if Jensen really didn’t see Dean as being in love with Cas, but that we saw Jensen’s own affinity for Misha bleed through in their incredible chemsitry together or if Jensen has just been in denial of this ‘ship having teeth for his own personal reasons. I don’t know and so far, he hasn’t been willing to talk about that. Maybe he will once it’s over. Maybe he won’t and I’m not going to be angry with him for it. He’s an incredible actor and he’s lived this character for 15 years, so he has a right to who he believed Dean is and isn’t.

The issues of representation continue to be pressing and what I see happening with Destiel and these other ‘ships is exciting because it shows growth on all sides. We have audiences able to voice not only how they perceive characters without shame but can express a desire for characters to be together. None of that is new for straight characters, but it is for queer characters. We have actors who not only can see these same things, but feel enough ownership of their characters to expresss what they believe their characters would do or feel. And we have showrunners who are going to make their story, sometimes in response to feedback from their fans and actors, and sometimes in spite of it.

What Destiel becoming canon gives me hope for is that as new shows come into being, characters that take off, actors who have unexpected chemistry, and ‘ships that gain a life of their own, will lead to shows that are less inclined to care if those ships are queer or not and just go with what fans respond to. That it will normalize that people can (and do) come out an all different times of life, even after being het-married, having kids, or presenting as straight to everyone else for 40 years. That it will reflect that sometimes, it’s not about having been queer or straight from the beginning, but be about that ONE relationship that just is different, special, or grows into a deep love regardless of the genders of the people. I hope we can get to a place where deep intimacy between same-gender characters doesn’t have to be a war over romance vs. platonic and the story can just develop without the pressure of representation because queer characters will be so prevalent that we don’t have to feel like we must cling so tightly to every one we get. I hope we can come to a place where sometimes relationships don’t go romantic because one person (regardless of gender) just doesn’t feel that way, because that is very fucking true in real life. I want to watch shows where the sexual identity of any character doesn’t have to be etched in stone from the word go, never to change ever because that’s boring and limiting, and honestly, not real life.

I am deeply grateful for actors like Isaac, Caan, and Collins who are willing to see characters outside the heteronormative lens and to advocate for queer romantic arcs. I’m thankful to showrunners who are making shows with greater queer representation than ever before. And I’m grateful to actors like Ackles, who while it wasn’t who he thought his character was, was able to expand his view enough to go where the story was going to go. The arc of the universe does bend towards justice, and we will get there. Until then, there’s fic. And thank God for that.

[starberry-cupcake]

The Chinapuri finale and its montage aka censorship who?

I decided to do all of this in one post and read more, so that the 95% of my followers who are uninterested on this particular drama/source material can easily skip it. Here are 7 relationships showcased in the montage ranked and 2 bonus (a family relationship and an extra). 

Note: I’ll speak about the relationships as they were portrayed, whichever the form of relationship chosen to display in this version. Also, I’m glad that everyone was aged up in this version, kinda wild but very much appreciated that some of these actors are my age or somewhere around there lol 

#7 Lu Xia (Echizen Ryoma) and Qi Ying (Ryuuzaki Sakuno) 

This drama was a bit more romantically-inclined in terms of these two than the anime/manga was, but some of that may be also influenced by them giving their version of Sakuno more room (which yay!) and having them be older. 

For this to stand alone as a drama, it was a needed step, I believe. I found Lu Xia to be more vulnerable than Ryoma, he doesn’t feel quite as ~cool~ and it doesn’t take away from the character that he has moments showing internal struggle (in tennis as well as at home). These two were sweet and adorable, which gave the drama probably more of an expected appeal for a wider audience, to make it stand on its own as a drama and not only an anime adaptation. 

#6 Yan ZhiMing (Inui Sadaharu) & Liu Lian (Yanagi Renji) 

Kinda mad they didn’t do this for Fuji (Zhuo Zhi) and Saeki (Zuo Xiaohu) but they did good with these two. I didn’t know at first why they started to build up their relationship so early, but it ended up being a good emotional plot point during their match, which is, as we all know, a determining factor in Seigaku’s (Yu Qing) win against Rikkai (Hai Guang). 

I don’t remember being as invested in their match in the anime as I was here, maybe I was just too focused on the Fuji match at that time, but what they did to build that game as a decisive point in the season finale was so well developed, I was impressed. 

#5 He XingLong (Kawamura Takeshi) & Ya JiuXin (Akutsu Jin) 

This is a relationship that can get complicated and even problematic if handled incorrectly. Akutsu’s journey through the anime is pretty long and takes a while for him to be on a healthier place, but the added element of aging the characters could have gone really wrong here if they had done him exactly as in the anime or manga. I think they did pretty well with the time they were given, showing his turmoil and learning curve. 

XingLong was allowed to have a more in-depth journey being older and about to graduate, it made more sense for him here to think about his career at this stage and added the gravity of this being THE moment to decide whether to keep pursuing the sport or take over his dad’s restaurant (they even adapted the type of food they cook to match the cultural impact of the family-owned business, which was great). 

I think the two complemented each other really well and worked interestingly together, in a way I didn’t think the drama was gonna give them time to do, so I’m really pleased. 

#4 Qiao Chen (Momoshiro Takeshi) & Zhang BaiYang (Kaidoh Kaoru) 

My younger self is thriving with this one being included tbh. These two were so much fun in the anime, two rivals and opposites that represented the future of the team upon their elders leaving. 

I was surprised to see them so focused here, because it’s not a relationship most adaptations put emphasis on (their loss), but it paid off immensely by the time their game against Bunta and Jackal (Jin WenTai & Ke Jie) came around. 

Kaidoh is a tough one to adapt most times, and they did him so well in this one, I think this is my favorite live action Kaidoh in any adaptation, and I’ve watched a whole bunch of tenimyu in my day. They really captured the ambiguity of his character, how he balances a tough exterior with a sensitive core. Qiao Chen maintained his feelings for Xu Xingzi (Tachibana Ann) but that didn’t stop them from showing these two every time they could. 

#3 Mu Siyang (Tezuka Kunimitsu) & Ji Jingwu (Atobe Keigo) 

Oh, these two. Hyotei (Xing Yao) wasn’t featured as much as one would probably expect (I’m a Fudomine fan and with Yu Feng I got more than I even was expecting, but I admit Hyotei is a riot and I always live my best life when they show up). Still, they did the Tezuka/Atobe match justice and then some. 

Mu Siyang was incredibly compelling as Tezuka, and had a vulnerability to him that made me worry for his health more than I probably did for his anime counterpart. Maybe also the fact that he was older than his anime version yet looked younger than him made it sink more that his injury was something to worry about. I wish we had time to include anime!Tezuka’s issues with yips with Siyang, because I know the drama would have pulled it off, but that was further down the line in the story. Maybe for a season 2. 

Anyway, the Atobe/Tezuka game is one of the best games in tenipuri history and the drama knew it. The game felt like it earned its gravity with the development of both Siyang’s injury and Ji Jingwu’s determination to play against him. Then they sprinkled the camp on top, as the anime does, with Ji Jingwu paying for his every expense and calling him to get updates, which is 100% canon compliant imo. 

I feel like Ji Jingwu didn’t have enough room to be as much of Atobe as he could be, but then again, that’s not easy for anyone to pull off. Not even Kato Kazuki can do Junichi Suwabe as well as Junichi Suwabe.  

#2 Bai ShiYan (Yukimura Seiichi) & Tian ZiLong (Sanada Genichirou) 

So, it’s tough to feel for Rikkai (Hai Guang) at this point of the story. You learn about Yukimura’s health and it’s difficult, but you just met them and the first impressions haven’t been great. 

However, the relationship between Sanada and Yukimura has always been something pivotal for the way the team is constructed (they were named that way for a reason, two parts of a same hero and all that) and they sustain the team in a way other teams don’t have to. They are the mom and dad of the team, the coaches, the leaders and the pillars. They have a balance of severity and permissiveness, of strictness and instinct. They are like a couple who has been married for 25 years. 

How on Earth, I asked myself, will they achieve that with censorship on the way? I don’t know, but they did it, the mad bastards. 

It really does come through 100% the importance of their relationship and the way in which the captain’s health affects the team and, more than anything, their vice captain. It reaches a crescendo during the final match, before ShiYan’s operation, and they manage to pull it off with the time they have. 

Also, their scenes are like shot for a contemporary romance drama and I appreciate that vibe. 

#1 Tang JiaLe (Kikumaru Eiji) & Chi DaYong (Oishi Shuichiro) 

Oh boy. Look. I still own Golden Pair merchandise from my Days, ok? These two hold a special place in my heart. I saw actors who portrayed them grow up, succeed and pass away, sadly. I still sing Depend On Me sometimes. There is a cheerful vibe with these two, a sense of overcoming obstacles and finding balance, I don’t know. Fuji is my favorite character but these two are special in their way. 

This freakin’ drama just went full on Golden Pair. The level of content was off the charts. The moment they came on the screen, the second they talked about their doubles, it was already setting the tone of how deep their relationship was going to go. I am a bit amazed that they avoided to get closed down for this ngl. And I appreciate the risk because it paid off.

They have a body language communication that is captured in every shot. Even when they’re not the focus of the scene, they’re close, touching or holding each other, arms around each other, hands on each other’s shoulders, grabbing each other’s clothes. When they fight, that language changes drastically, and the distance they take feels intense and cold. You go through it with them and the team shows it as well. There’s an entire episode I had screencaps of and never posted when the team falls apart because they do. 

My favorite part, though, ironically, isn’t what they did with them together but what they did with them apart. They took time to develop them as individual characters with their own issues, their fears, their worries and weaknesses. They were allowed to be flawed and wrong and have to mend their ways. 

What really got me and impacted me deeply was the fact that they chose DaYong to talk about mental health. They gave room to speaking about the physical implications of anxiety disorders and about how self esteem issues can give more magnitude to ongoing issues with your mental health. Again, the age of the characters being changed helped add a depth to some issues that get developed with more intensity in a drama of this kind, and the way in which it takes TIME to get resolved, it isn’t a one episode thing, it’s an underlying issue that spans the season...*chef’s kiss* 

Even though there’s a specific tenimyu incarnation of these two that I hold dear and will always remember fondly, I think that Xu Ke and Zhu ZhiLing are the most successful and best portrayed live action Golden Pair I’ve ever seen. 

Bonus that was in the montage but it’s specifically about a family relationship: The Zhuo Bros

I have said Fuji has always been my favorite and his relationship with Yuta as an older brother (albeit he’s not the eldest sibling like me) is one I always felt close to. 

In the anime, the two have a rocky relationship that gets developed throughout, but the drama is very good at establishing not only Zhuo Yu’s (Fuji Yuta) self esteem issues, the subsequent use of that Guan Yue (Mizuki Hajime) does and Zhuo Zhi’s (Fuji Syusuke) attempts to breach the gap between the siblings, they also use it to develop Zhuo Zhi’s character and his reticence to show weakness. 

It’s tough to get Fuji towards a place of vulnerability without breaking character, but they used family and the care he provides to his brother as a point to further his story, and I appreciate that a lot. They managed to build Zhuo Zhi up with this sibling bond as one of his core elements, and that gave a lot of dimension to his games and his character. 

Bonus that wasn’t in the montage but I’m including in some capacity: Mu Siyang (Tezuka Kunimitsu) & Zhuo Zhi (Fuji Syusuke) 

I thought these two deserved a place in the list, even if they weren’t grouped much in the montage, because the drama did make them share moments together that I feel gave more depth to their characters. 

There was a very interesting moment in which they showed Mu Siyang and Zhuo Zhi establishing their differences when approaching tennis, and how serious Mu Siyang is about taking the team to victory. I think that strengthened the character as a captain to me, in a way that shows it rather than tells it, and allowed for his guidance to still be present when he wasn’t physically there. His determination ultimately influenced Zhuo Zhi to take things more seriously, and that was a pretty interesting development to see. 

All in all, I should, at some point, go and do a serious review for MyDramaList but I wanted to leave in my blog how much I appreciated this adaptation. I wasn’t expecting much and I was delivered everything.

[jovialyouthmusic]

Two’s Company -Changes

As Lucy continues to help Brad recall their early days, Sophia and Bastien welcome two new arrivals. 

Word Count 3918

A/N This is pure fluff, but if you are triggered by issues concerning fertility, pregnancy, medical environments or giving birth, give this chapter a miss. To be truthful, this chapter mostly features Bastien and Sophia, but it foreshadows Lucy’s future...

9 Welcome to the Twins

The band started up in the ballroom, playing background music while the guests arrived and were briefly announced. The Charity Ball at the Palace was under way at last. Lucy had insisted on Brad wearing the suit he’d had for the social season in which they’d met, and he thought he knew why.

‘And why does Drake get to wear his denim shirt at this formal occasion?’ he had quizzed her, just the same. She just smiled enigmatically.

‘If you don’t know you’ll find out in good time. Now go down and wait for the guests. I’ll follow in a little while. Don’t worry if I’m late, it’s all part of the surprise’

So Brad stood greeting the nobles that had attended the social season, the former suitors presenting themselves to him one by one. Madeleine was a little sour faced, but then that wasn’t unusual. Lady Penelope gave him a deep curtsy

‘Ah, Lady Penelope. It’s been a while. How are you – and your poodles? Did you bring them tonight?’ He had no memory of the dogs, but he had been given a set of cards with relevant details to review. He knew that prior to his car accident he had excellent recall on all the members of court, and his father had uncharacteristically praised him for it.

‘Thank you your Majesty, the Queen asked me to leave them behind tonight. Morgan and Morgana were quite upset’

‘I’m so sorry’ he said smoothly ‘Perhaps next time. I’ll make sure to ask her majesty to allow it’

‘Thankyou your Grace’ she inclined her head ‘And many congratulations on your recent…’ she froze for a second, a look of panic spreading across her lovely face, scanning the ballroom, her eye alighting on Drake standing nursing a glass of whiskey at the bar. His denim shirt stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the dinner jackets and ballgowns ‘uhhh marriages’ Penelope squeaked, and moved hurriedly away. Brad noticed Drake was talking to a woman in a red dress with a mask. She looked over and started to walk across the ballroom toward him, and he suddenly felt dizzy.

‘Hello, you’ll have to forgive me, but I don’t think we’ve met’

‘We’ve actually met once before’

‘Surely I would have remembered’

‘I suppose this mask is doing its job’

‘Will you give me a hint?’

‘you were surrounded by your friends…’

‘That’s not much of a clue…’

‘And you owed me a drink’

‘Lucy! I - never thought I’d see you again’ Brad said in a dream as she reached his side. She smiled broadly, taking her mask off.

‘Did it work?’ she asked, and he nodded, swallowing.

‘Yes – I think I need some fresh air’ She turned and waved at the band, and they swooped into a familiar tune – the one they had played when they had first danced together. He held on to her tight as the music swirled around him.

‘I’m a little better at dancing this time’ she smiled ‘and it’s my turn to sweep you off behind the curtains’ Soon he was leaning on the balcony taking lungfuls of air as the memories swirled around him. The dance, sneaking out to the maze – the chase, the kiss. He shook his head and stood tall, turning back to his wife – his Queen.

‘What is it about you, Lucy? Why did you make me want to break all the rules?’ he said softly. She put her hand to his cheek.

‘Because the rules were making you unhappy’ she replied ‘and in return you changed the rules for me and brought the three of us together’ He leaned closer and kissed her tenderly, his hand grazing her belly.

‘Here’s another big change. Life will never be the same again.’ he whispered close to her ear ‘When did we next meet? I remember the maze’

‘Well, I think I can risk it rather than waiting to stage it’ Lucy replied’ It’s a long time to the races’

‘Ah, the races’ he screwed up his forehead, then his face cleared. ‘I lost my bet on the winning horse and paid the usual forfeit – except you sat on my back along with Drake’ She smiled happily

‘How about the lawn party?’ she asked, but he frowned and shook his head.

‘I’m sorry’ he said dejectedly. She caught at his arm and squeezed it.

‘Never mind, not everyone remembers every little thing. I’ve had to rack my brain too. Let’s just leave it for now, enjoy the ball’

-------

In the staff wing, the sounds of the ball were a distant whisper of sound, unheard as the TV showed Sophia’s current bingeworthy period drama. She had stopped nitpicking the historical inaccuracies and dozed, the voices murmuring in the background. She smiled as the scene cut to a Regency ball in full swing.

‘Go on, admit you love her’ she mumbled, briefly surfacing to berate the male lead for not seeing what was under his nose. The female lead smiled, gazing into his eyes as they twirled and dipped. ‘So romantic’ she sniffled and reached for a tissue to dab at her eyes.

‘Hmmm?’ Bastien rumbled as he stirred in his easy chair, leg propped on a footstool as he sat vigil by his very pregnant wife’s side. Sophia laboured to sit up a little, and he got to his feet to help her, leg stiff from inaction.

‘Simon won’t admit he’s madly in love with Daphne’ she told him ‘and she’s so innocent she doesn’t realise he’s the man for her’ she sighed ‘I know, sentimental rubbish, but I can’t get enough’

‘Whatever makes you happy, theà mou’ Bastien smiled. He knelt by her side ‘May I?’ he asked, hand hovering over her bump. She nodded.

‘You had a large part to play in my current state.’ she grumbled ‘One of the tiddlers is using my bladder as a trampoline’ Bastien smiled, smoothing his hand over her belly. A little bump rose to meet his palm.

‘Not long till we meet them in person’ He stroked it, identifying it as a foot. ‘Come on little ones, Papa’s waiting and Mama’s tired’ He looked up at her ‘Shall I help you to the bathroom?’

‘Yes please, just let me pause this’ She pressed the button on the TV remote, and Bastien helped her to her feet. She groaned, hand in her lower back. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again’ she grumbled ‘Remind me not to do this again’ Bastien decided not to comment, as pregnancy hormones made his beloved somewhat cranky and he couldn’t think of an answer that she wouldn’t turn against him right now. She paused, grimacing with pain

‘Damn these Braxton Hicks’ she muttered, and he stroked her belly, feeling it harden under his hand, waiting until it softened again. She had been having contractions for a couple of days but the midwife had assured them it was nothing to worry about.

‘It’s fine, just practice for the real thing’ she had said briskly ‘Even with twins it’s quite normal. If they don’t subside within 48 hours, let me know’ They reached the door of the bathroom, where Sophia waved him away.

‘I can manage from here’ she snapped. He had removed the lock on the door in case of emergencies, and watched anxiously as she closed it behind her. ‘A little privacy please’ she called testily ‘I can hear you breathing’ He sighed and moved a little further away, the faint sound of her urination reaching him still. He knew he shouldn’t be so fearful about her wellbeing, but years of service on the Guard brought back memories of various emergencies involving impending childbirth. The Guard were the first line of assistance before medical staff could get to the Palace, and many other mansions he had served at were some distance from maternity facilities.

One notable example was seared into his brain when a noble lady had gone into labour miles out to sea on the Royal Yacht. He hadn’t been the only one to advise against the trip, but arrogance had won out over prudence and she had almost given birth before the air ambulance had winched her off the yacht. He was thankful the weather had been fair at the time.

He snapped back to the moment as he heard a little gasp. He stood up straight, straining his ears as a wail followed it.

‘Bas’ his wife called out, a hint of panic in her voice ‘Call the hospital – my waters just broke’

-------

At the hospital, Sophia was whisked away to be examined. Bastien was curtly told to wait, and paced the waiting room anxiously, massaging his hand from the pain of his wife clutching it fiercely on the drive over. Drake and Hana arrived to find him muttering curses against the doctors.

‘Calm down, Bas’ Drake had soothed ‘She’s in the best of hands’ Bastien glowered at him and straightened his shoulders.

‘She was supposed to see the midwife in the morning’ he growled ‘The risk with twins is elevated. I knew I should have insisted on an earlier appointment’

‘What exactly happened?’ Hana said, trying to ground him. He paused and ran his fingers through his hair, ruffling it out of its usual neat quiff.

‘Her waters broke’ he said ‘The babies each have their own sac but share a placenta and need to be delivered at the same time. If they’re both head down it’s possible to do it without a caesarean’ Before anyone could ask anything else, a nurse appeared.

‘Mr Lykel?’ He stepped forward, placing his hand on her arm.

‘How is she? Can I see her?’

‘She’s very well, considering’ she said, removing his hand ‘You really should have come in earlier. With twins…’ She paled at Bastien’s expression as he glared at her.

‘Our midwife told us all was fine’ he ground out.

‘Well, no matter.  She’s in labour and things seem to be moving quickly. Do you have a birth plan?’

‘We do’ he said, massaging his forehead and taking a deep breath ‘it’s filed here. Do you not have it?’ She looked flustered.

‘I think perhaps you should come through, if it’s what you’d planned’

‘It is. Take me to her now…’

Bastien entered the delivery room with trepidation. Sophia was flushed and sweaty, laying back in the bed in a loose hospital gown, her knees drawn up and a sheet covering her modesty. A midwife stood next to her and turned directly to meet him. Sophia lowered her knees and he could see the sensor strapped to the swell of her belly. A machine next to the bed monitored the babies’ heartbeats, and emitted a low whooshing noise.

‘Is this the babies’ father?’ the midwife asked brightly.

‘I am.’ He said curtly, going to Sophia’s side, taking her hand and kissing it.

‘I’m Sandy, and I’ll be looking after Mum and baby – that is, babies’ she smiled

‘Bas’ Sophia said faintly ‘Wherever have you been? You need to call Mum, let her know.’

‘I came in as soon as they said I could. There’s no need to call Edith just yet, she’ll only worry.’ Sophia gasped in pain, squeezing his hand with a deathlike grip and Sandy swiftly handed her a breathing tube.

‘Gas and air – entonox. It’s quite safe’ the midwife assured Bastien. By the time Bastien had nodded, the contraction was almost over, and Sophia collapsed back onto the pillows, her eyes a little glazed.

‘You do realise this is twins?’ Bastien queried ‘Shouldn’t there be more staff?’

‘We are very busy tonight, Mr Lykel. As soon as it’s necessary I’ll call for help’ She went to the end of the bed to examine Sophia.

‘You’re dilating nicely, Mrs Lykel. Not long and we’ll be asking you to push. Babies are doing fine and getting ready to come out and say hello.’

‘How are they positioned?’ Bastien asked.

‘Both are head down, so you can deliver naturally if you’d like, Mrs Lykel’

‘Sophia’ she said  testily ‘my name’s Sophia. I’ll do my best but I’m not against pain relief’

‘Of course, Sophia. Do you know the sexes?’

‘Yes’ she smiled, and looked up at Bastien. ‘One of each’

‘Well, it’s hard to tell which one will be making an appearance first, but baby number two won’t be far behind’

‘Bas, can Hana come in?’ Sophia asked ‘We’re may need an extra pair of hands’ He looked at the midwife.

‘As it’s twins, two helpers are allowed in the delivery room as long as all is going  smoothly’ At that moment a doctor entered with a clipboard.

‘Mr Lykel – apologies for the delay in finding your birth plan’ she said as Sandy ducked out of the room to fetch Hana. She looked down at the papers she held, scanning swiftly ‘I see you’ve opted for a natural birth if it’s possible, with minimal pain relief’. Sophia made a little moan in answer.

‘Do I have to do this twice?’

‘Don’t worry Mrs Lykel, the first delivery paves the way for the second. You’ll hardly notice baby number two’ Another contraction hit her, and she grabbed the breathing tube, gulping at it greedily. Her head rolled back onto the pillow as the contraction faded and she gazed up at Bastien, eyes glassy from the anaesthetic.

‘I’d like some Ben and Jerry’s right now. Phish food.’ He couldn’t help but chuckle.

‘Maybe later, theà mou’ He lifted her hand and kissed it. Hana entered with the midwife and went to her side.

‘Hana, you came’ She smiled beatifically ‘You’ll be Auntie soon’

‘I can’t wait to meet your little ones’ Hana beamed excitedly.

‘Oh Hana, that’s so sweet of you’ Sophia winced as the midwife examined her again.

‘Once we get started, things might happen quite quickly’ she warned ‘After all, baby number two is going to want to catch up. At this point it’s too late for an epidural, but as things are going smoothly, Entonox should be sufficient’ Lucy looked startled

‘No epidural?’ she asked ‘Oh, fuck. Bas, what if it gets worse?’

‘Sophia, gas and air will be fine. Remember, it’s what we discussed, it’s safer in the majority of cases’ he soothed, earning a quizzical look.

‘Stop mansplaining, Bas. I’m thirsty’ she snapped, and the midwife took Bastien aside as Hana handed Sophia a cup of ice chips.

‘Don’t worry, Mr Lykel, Lucy’s going through transition. She’ll get very emotional. She may even get abusive. She’s fully dilated, so I’m going to call for assistance.’ He nodded knowingly. He’d done his research and was fully prepared for her to swear and curse and berate him for ever touching her. He knew it would be the hormones talking. He braced himself and went back to the bedside as the room suddenly became very busy with hospital staff. He focussed on Lucy as another contraction hit and she took great gulps of the gas and air again. This was a long one, and she lay back once it had ebbed away, moaning.

‘Whose idea was this?’ she moaned ‘It’s not natural’ Bastien bit his tongue, desperate to point out that it was in fact the most natural thing in the world to give birth – but he wasn’t the one suffering on the hospital bed. ‘I’m never doing this again’ she panted ‘you can forget sex, I’m staying celibate’ Bastien grinned uncomfortably, trying to avoid eye contact with any of the staff. Hana sniggered behind her hand ‘Is it time to push yet?’

‘Not just yet, Sophia’ Sandra assured her. ‘You���ll know when, but I’m here to help’ Sophia gasped as another contraction hit, and took the anaesthetic again. Bastien worried that she was taking too much as she collapsed back on the pillow, but kept his mouth shut, trusting the medical staff. Sophia turned to speak to him.

‘Bas, do you think we’re having twins because of your enormous – you know?’ she hissed, pointing to his groin in a stage whisper that carried right across the room. Hana giggled and reddened, and Sandy looked amused. Bastien coloured and cleared his throat, his smile turning to a grimace. ‘He does, you know, Sandra’ she said, motioning her closer ‘He’s – you know, very big down there. The sex is great. He’s got fantastic stamina.’ Sandra made a strangled noise.

‘I’ve never come across any corelation in size and fecundity or multiple births, Mrs Lykel’ she assured her, when she was able to speak. She took a calming breath, looking at the monitors. ‘Now, I want  you to remember your birthing classes and prepare yourself to push’.

As promised, thing happened very quickly after that. Her next contraction hit hard, and Bastien lead her through her breathing, both elated and scared at the intensity of her experience. She was told to push, and he stayed with her, enduring her tight grip and murmuring words of encouragement. After each bout of pushing she lay back on the pillows, flushed and sweating, swearing that he’d never touch her again.

‘Mr Lykel, would you like to welcome baby? It’s very close now.’ Sandra said at last. He looked briefly at Sophia, torn between staying at her side and being the first to hold their child, but she nodded at him before the next onslaught. He moved down the bed as she strained and cried out with pain and effort, and was just in time to see the baby’s head emerge, followed by its shoulders. Sandra guided his hands so that he caught the warm slippery bundle. He was afraid of letting it slip, but managed to get a firm grip, and the midwife smiled triumphantly. Gazing down at the screwed up indignant face of his child, he felt an overwhelming wave of pure love and adoration unlike anything he had felt before. Time slowed and stopped as he held his own flesh and blood, his face softening into a broad smile. The little mouth opened and let out a roar of protest and rage, limbs flailing.

‘Papa has you, little one’ he crooned soothingly, knowing that first breath showed health and vigour.

‘Congratulations Mr and Mrs Lykel, your first baby is a healthy baby boy’ Sandra announced before handing him the instrument to cut the umbilical cord, and he carefully severed the connection. Briefly she wiped him clean as Bastien maintained his hold, the baby’s yell changing to wails in the unfamiliar environment. He shushed, and the little creature shuddered and quietened a little.

Sophia held out her arms eagerly and Bastien hurried to hand him over to place on her chest, wondering how long she would have before their little girl followed.

‘My little one’ she whispered, tenderly cradling him ‘We’re so thrilled to meet you at last’ She gazed down as the baby fell silent, arms folding over his chest and knees drawing up to meet them, face peaceful and enquiring. Hana sniffled beside her, and Sophia turned to the side. ‘Meet your Aunty Hana’ she breathed, before wincing in pain again. ‘I think your sister wants out’ she gasped, and a nurse swiftly took the baby and whisked him away.

‘Don’t worry, we just need to check him over, but I think he’s absolutely fine’ she assured Bastien.

‘Here’s your little girl’ Sandra called ‘Not long now’, and he went to stand ready, his hands trembling as a second head emerged, Sophia crying out again. She slipped out swiftly, but was safe in her father’s hands in an instant. He was hit by another wave of love and adoration just as intense as the last one, his heart full to bursting. Her cry was reedy and full of complaint and she wailed as he cut the cord, Sandra steadying it for Bastien to juggle his tasks. Both of the babies had seemed tiny in his large hands, both roomy and clumsy all at once.

‘Here, Papa has you safe’ he murmured ‘Come and meet your Mama’ Carefully he relayed her to Sophia. Her face glowed with happiness at holding her daughter, eyes fixed on her as she fussed at the bright light and unfamiliar surroundings.

‘My sweet one’ she crooned, and the baby quietened just as her brother had ‘You’re perfect’. She looked up at her husband ‘Look what we did’ she whispered. He placed his hand on her shoulder and looked down at the newest arrival, tiny fingers waving like starfish, little mouth opening and closing. He kissed the top of Sophia’s head.

‘Theà mou, I love you so much. I’m blessed’ his voice caught, and the nurse returned with the little boy, now wrapped up warmly, and took his sister away to be cleaned and checked. Sophia held her finger out and the baby gaped, little mouth gurning in a half yawn, half smile. Soon his sister was handed back and Sophia cradled one baby in each arm, looking from one to the other in awe. The boy had a shock of black hair like his father’s and his eyes were pale grey. His sister’s hair was black but not as abundant, her pale eyes a shade bluer.

‘How can I ever spend a single second not loving these two?’ she whispered ‘How can I feel so much love for them – and for you?’ Bastien squeezed her shoulder, unable to speak for the lump in his throat. He had never felt so deliriously happy – and scared.

‘Do you have names?’ the nurse asked ‘The babies’ tags just say boy and girl for now. There’s no hurry’ Sophia looked up at Bastien.

‘Theodore?’ she asked. They had a few names picked out but didn’t want to fix them until the babies were born. He nodded in approval, as they had also decided that she should finalise the boy’s name, and he the girl’s.

‘And Beatrice’ he replied, getting a little tilt of his wife’s head in response. He cleared his throat

‘Theodore Costa Lykel and Beatrice Edith Lykel’ he said clearly, the names floating up into the air like a declaration of existence, an acceptance into the world for the two babes. The boy’s second name was that of his foster father’s, the girl’s was Sophia’s mother’s. They could have been Theodore Robert and Beatrice Althea, or the first names might have been different, but as soon as he spoke them aloud they sounded right, and he knew Sophia agreed. She lay propped up, beaming with exhausted happiness as she held her new arrivals. She had never looked more beautiful, her damp hair curling to frame her face, cheeks rosy, and an expression of pure love and joy in her eyes. Sandra cleared her throat.

‘Sophia, we just have to check the placenta, clean you up and make sure all’s well. Perhaps Mr Lykel could take the babies, or we could put them in the cots.’

‘I can help’ Hana piped up, and Sophia nodded. Little Beatrice was closest to Hana, and carefully she took the little bundle, utterly entranced. Bastien took Theodore, making soothing noises as they awkwardly changed over.

‘Can we take them out to the waiting room?’ he asked ‘We’ll come straight back in when you’re ready’

‘Yes, but don’t hand them around’ the midwife answered. ‘New babies are still developing their immune systems, so the less contact with other people outside the family the better’

‘Take care’ Sophia urged ‘I’m not going anywhere’

‘We’ll be back soon, theà mou’ Bastien promised, and he and Hana walked out to the waiting room with his new family.@sirbeepsalot @fluffyfirewhiskey​ @dcbbw​ @kingliam2019​ @katedrakeohd​ @texaskitten30​

[untamed-era]

Come Out and Level Up, Part 2

(part 1) (EDIT: link now leads to both halves of part 1)  (EDIT 2: AO3 Link) 

Wei Ying does not look pleased with the situation. This is unexpected. Lan Wangji remembers finding proper labels as a deep relief, a sense that other people matched his experience. Wei Ying, on the other hand, comes and sits down, staring at his phone again, looking dejected.

Lan Wangji waits.

“I’m. I guess it’s good I know this, right? Let me make better choices, going forward. It’s good to. It’s good to understand, why I never particularly wanted to date anyone that asked me out. That’s good.”

He is trying to talk himself into the idea. Lan Wangji continues waiting.

“I just —“ He looks up, suddenly, meeting Lan Wangji’s eyes. “Lan Zhan, I really did want to get married.” He sounds forlorn, lost. “I mean. You remember, I talked about inviting you to a farm, someday? And like.” He shifts, uncomfortably, curling his arms around himself. Lan Wangji wants to hug him, comfort him. He does not know how. “I never pictured a wife, but I don’t… I don’t want to be alone.”

Lan Wangji remembers the fantasy Wei Ying had described. It had been so casually referenced, the idea of a little farm and lots of children running around and food cooking inside. It’s featured heavily in his own fantasies, since, when he allows himself to forget that he was invited only as an interloper.

“Action does not equal attraction,” he tells Wei Ying, quietly. “You may yet find a… wife. If you want. If they are happy with the arrangement.”

“Maybe. But like, how do you know when you’ve found someone you’d be willing to spend your life with, if you don’t have the whole true love thing to work with? I mean, you were the only specific person I ever put anywhere near that whole dream. I can’t think of anyone I know who’d be… who’d fit…” He trails off, thinking.

Lan Wangji looks away, breathing through the emotional turmoil of that. He knows Wei Ying doesn’t mean it like Lan Wangji wishes he did. He’s as good as saying he can’t picture Lan Wangji there all the time, can’t see him as a true life partner of any sort. Lan Wangji will respect that. Of course he will. None of this is about him.

“How did you even figure all this out?” Wei Ying asks, suddenly, and Lan Wangji flinches. Wei Ying plows ahead without noticing. “I mean, there’s so many terms here, and I don’t know — maybe I’m just overthinking everything! I like thinking about sex, I like the idea of kissing! But apparently not like everyone else does? How did you ever sort all this out?”

It was the best words for how I felt about you, Lan Wangji thinks but does not say. It was the only way to make sense of the intensity and specificity of his feelings. How can he help, when Wei Ying’s problem is not knowing, instead of knowing too much?

“I mean,” Wei Ying continues, not waiting for any sort of response, “I mean, like, sure I’ve contemplated kissing people in the past. Specific people, even! I mean, I’ve thought about kissing you, who hasn’t, obviously, that’s just… That’s just part of friendship, isn’t it?”

Lan Wangji stares. All of his deep, meditative thoughts are crumpling around him. He cannot feel any part of his body. He cannot interpret any of this. If he tries, he may actually explode.

“Oooookay you’re looking at me weirdly,” Wei Ying says from very far away and also about two feet from Lan Wangji’s face. It should be farther. It should be much less. How can he cope with any of this. “So what you’re saying is that imagining kissing isn’t a normal part of any close friendship.”

How is Lan Wangji supposed to answer that? It’s certainly a normal part of his closest friendships. Friendship. Singular.

Wei Ying laughs, high and strained. “I don’t suppose we can just forget about what I just said, move back to. Uh. Some other topic? Um.”

Lan Wangji physically cannot. He thinks his entire brain has rewired itself to play “I’ve thought about kissing you” on repeat. He cannot think of anything else well enough to respond. He cannot muster the strength to echo it.

“Maybe I should just. Just go? Sorry, I know I made things weird, I wouldn’t blame—“

“Don’t,” Lan Wangji says. It’s spoken from his instincts, the ones that never want Wei Ying to leave, the ones that he overrules when he has any brainpower left over for them.

“Uh. Okay, Lan Zhan.” He looks nervous, Lan Wangji notes. He should say something to reassure Wei Ying. That sounds good.

“You’ve thought about kissing me,” he says instead. Hmm.

Wei Ying avoids his eyes, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah? I… I didn’t think that was a big deal but. I’m also kind of thinking of… a lot of other. Things. I’ve thought about and. Oh, I don’t know. They’re my problem, I guess. I already made things weird enough.”

“What things,” he says.

Wei Ying looks at him, eyes wide.

Lan Wangji struggles to gather his words. “I want. To hear. Your thoughts.” His hands are curled into fists so tightly they hurt. “Always,” he adds.

“Lan Zhan, no, I’ve already made you uncomfortable enough, I wouldn’t want to —“

“I am not uncomfortable.” He hesitates, and self-evaluates. “Or. That is not my primary emotion.”

“Confused you, then.”

And he can’t quite dispute that one. He is confused. He is dumbfounded, and… It takes a long moment to sort through everything else and identify the most prominent emotion.

“Yes,” he says, finally. “But I am also hopeful.”

That finally leaves Wei Ying speechless. It is nice to turn the tables again. He waits, in silence.

“What the fuck, Lan Zhan,” he finally says, weakly. “What the fuck do you have to be hopeful about.”

“You asked about how I figured my identity out.” Lan Wangji says. He can see the shape of the conversation again, he thinks. He does not know the end, but he is hopeful.

“We’re well past that!” Wei Ying says. “That was before I — before — Before —“

“I found the terms,” Lan Wangji says, ploughing ahead heedlessly, “because they best described how much I wanted to kiss you, Wei Ying.”

He has flabbergasted Wei Ying again. He savors it, watching Wei Ying blink and gape and wave one hand wildly. Finally, Wei Ying opens his mouth, and quietly says “Wanted? Past tense?”

“Want,” he admits. It comes easily, in spite of everything. Years of hidden pining, all leading to this one needle-point admission.

Wei Ying stares at him. It’s easy to meet his eyes.

He’s scared, of course he’s scared. He’s on tenterhooks, waiting for the response. But he has had no hope, no reason to say anything, sometimes not even a chance — and now he has them all.

“What the fuck,” Wei Ying finally says, “is this conversation.”

Lan Wangji inclines his head in agreement.

“I mean seriously, what the fuck. I mean this started with me mentioning a gay person at work and now you’re… we’re…. I’m….” He shies away from saying what, exactly, any of these pronouns are doing, which Lan Wangji thinks is deeply unfortunate. He, himself, has been uncomfortably vulnerable multiple times and Wei Ying has mostly just floundered at him. In fairness, he himself had a complicated process of coming to terms with his sexuality and would not have been balanced or coherent about it in the first ten minutes of questioning. He can and will be patient with this. In the part of him that does not care about fairness it rankles, that he spent the last ten years slowly making peace with his identity and here Wei Ying is with the exact same internalized heteronormativity that characterized middle school.

“So, but. You want to kiss me, though.”

Lan Wangji had been very clear on that, he thought. “Mn.”

“Why, though. I mean just… Why?”

Lan Wangji stares at Wei Ying, the love of his life, his best friend, the smartest person he knows, for a good long minute. “Because I am attracted to you. Romantically and sexually.”

They stare at each other for another long moment, Wei Ying’s mouth hanging open. “What the fuck, Lan Zhan,” he says, finally, weakly.

If he were someone else, he could, perhaps, rhapsodize about Wei Ying’s sterling qualities, the foundation of his attraction. He certainly has the material, but lacks the skill to shape it into something convincing. “I do not wish to make you uncomfortable,” he says.

“Uncomfortable? Uncomfortable? I’m not uncomfortable, Lan Zhan, I’m just baffled. I mean, you’re you! Who wouldn’t want to hear this stuff from you! How am I supposed to deal with this! How am I supposed to figure out — wait hang on I’m calling Jiang Cheng.”

Lan Wangji blinks. He did not anticipate Wei Ying’s irritating brother being part of any of these confessions. To borrow a phrase from Wei Ying, what the fuck is this conversation.

“Jiang Cheng? Hi, Jiang Cheng, hey, quick question: how much do you think about kissing your male friends.”

The faint but irate voice of Jiang Cheng says “What the fuck, Wei Ying.”

“No, this is important. Do you think about kissing your friends? How often are you hanging out with like, other men, and just start thinking about kissing them. Like just occasionally, or.”

“Never! I never think about that! Why would I?”

“So like. If one of them — let’s say Lan Zhan — offered to kiss you. Would you want to?”

A silence. “Why the fuck would I want to kiss Lan Wangji,” Jiang Cheng says. Lan Wangji thinks maybe he should be offended, except that it is an exact mirror of his feelings toward Jiang Cheng. Besides, Wei Ying is making a very endearing offended face on his behalf.

“Why wouldn’t you want to kiss Lan Zhan — wait I just realized I could be doing that instead of arguing with you so I guess live on in your delusion.”

“What the fuck, Wei Ying! Don’t you dare go harassing —“

The line cuts off before Jiang Cheng can finish his threat. Fortunately, Lan Wangji cannot find it in himself to give one singular fuck about his opinion right now. He stares at Wei Ying, who looks, suddenly, nervous. He licks his lips, and Lan Wangji stares more. “Uh,” he says, finally. “I still don’t. Exactly. Know where I stand on most of this? Like I’m pretty sure I want to, uh, experiment with, with everything, ‘cause suddenly I have a ton of questions, but mostly I think it’s frankly very rude that you aren’t already kissing me, what’s up with that, Lan Zhan —“

Lan Wangji’s tattered patience abruptly snaps, and he is pulling Wei Ying’s face to his before the other can finish talking. After all, he was not raised to be rude.