#and also does my bf hate me and also am i a failure and also am i just meant to die

[arthur-kingsmen]

stressing and agonizing and pulling my hair out and screaming

[beevean]

Let's do this: top 10 most hated NFCV characters counting both shows

As a bonus, if you're willing to: top 10 worst episodes

I think I did a top 5 worst characters for both shows but I can do it again :P

11) Drolta. She doesn't do anything egregious, in fact she's kind of tolerable, but she stole Isaac's drip. And for that, I will forever be salty :) (also yeah I couldn't decide for #10 so I added one, whatcha gonna do about it)

10) Sumi and Taka. Ah yes, these two Japanese people who look identical are most assuredly not related, they are just Japanese! Aside from that, they are the emblem of S3's utter failure: they add nothing of importance except for a gratuituous (and OOC) rape scene that is supposed to send the message "humans suck, trusting is for fools"... that in on itself doesn't change a thing, because Alucard is fine afterwards. But hey, you got your bi rep! Aren't you happy with this show's representation? :)

9) Emmanuel. This guy is just stupid. Just because you lampshade how absurd it is to ally yourself with vampires because you think the Revolution is "godless", it doesn't make it any less absurd. We're still at this level of shallow, childish CHURCH BAD.

8) Sypha. You're not cute when you insult Trevor. Stop it. I remembered her being nicer than she actually was :( during the rewatch she was painful, constantly complaining, defending Alucard from Trevor rather than the other way around (but still ditching him when he needed company because yay adventures!!!), and acting bossily with her bf because that's the only kind of character they can write here. Also she's OP af and that's not fun.

7) Maria. Does she even have a personality beyond stereotypical Twitter communist teen? Good god girl shut up you are nothing more than useless backdrop!

6) Carmilla. In theory, she could be an interesting unapologetic female villain who reacted to her trauma with rage rather than sorrow, a female Dracula but even pettier. In practice, she is the parody of a radfem written by a man with zero respect for women, so you can imagine that she isn't exactly nuanced. I hate that Dracula and his boytoys were made to be absolute dumbasses for her to win, only for her to conclude effectively nothing. villain.exe

5) Alucard. You absolute cunt. Am I supposed to like, or worse being attracted to, this piece of shit who spends his time insulting Trevor and treating him like dog shit under his shoe? He has zero of the effortless charm of the real Alucard, but I'm supposed to root for him because he's hot when he cries all boobily. Fuck off with your disingenous fanservice. (also his design is atrocious and the artstyle doesn't flatter him at all)

4) Erzsébet. Literally an OC made by a 5 yo. Look at her! She's so cool and special! She's older than Dracula, stronger than Dracula, more evil than Dracula, more dangerous than Dracula, and she turns into an invincible Sun Thundercat! Yeah good job, but you forgot to give her a personality.

3) Annette. She is not a character. She is nothing more than accurately engineered discourse bait. I refuse to acknowledge this shallow attempt at "badass representation" that I am supposed to like on the sole basis of her race and gender. I am so tired of Stronk Women that are actually giant assholes, all flash and no substance.

2) Isaac. I will concede that he has the most coherent character arc of all characters, but aside from that, he pisses me off something fierce for how overrated he is. Forgettable design, pretentious as fuck, spouting faux-philosophical quotes to hide how petty he is, basically a jihadist in S3, wakes up one day in S4 and suddenly he's Muslim Jesus, disgustingly OP because the narrative finds every way to suck his shiny dick... and his amazing arc that everyone praises him for, the thing that makes him "better than that stupid gay joker from CoD"? It's just a worse version of Hector's from the mangas, which left him Hector here with no arc to speak of. Get him out of my sight.

1) Lenore. Her concept is great. She is an intriguing foil to both Carmilla and Hector, and incarnates an unique type of villainy: she is amoral, kind for her own selfish purposes, with understandable goals but willing to do anything to achieve them. I want to like her. Too bad she is a disgusting, repulsive, inconsistent, bratty rapist that I am supposed to feel sorry for because oh, she's not so bad after all :) she did everything for Hector's own good :) she's not actually evil :) she deserved to smooch the man she raped into slavery, don't you feel bad that she sunned herself like a selfish coward :) Lenore begs to be rewritten by someone who doesn't jerk off to abusive dommy mommies, but in her canon state, she makes me ill.

Now for the episodes :P

10) The Great Work (S4E7): I never watched it because it's boring as shit, which speaks of the terrible pacing of this show and especially S4. I know it has the infamous "vampires dislike crosses because their vision is fucked up" scene lmao

9) The River (S2E6): It's the episode where the zombie bishop resurrected by a dark necromancer who is now working for a vampire with plans of enslaving mankind is apparently favored by God to the point of being able to bless water. Do I need to say more? Well, it's also the episode where the heroes suddenly remember they are supposed to do shit and hack into Dracula's castle, and the episode that fully cements Dracula as an ineffectual pathetic antagonist easily manipulable by the real villain, no I don't care that he's kinda cool in For Love. (at least the scene with Carmilla avoiding the river and the castle is fun to watch)

8) Bless Your Dead Little Hearts (S3E1): The beginning of Alucard's and Trepha's plotlines, two utter mindnumbing wastes of time, and Hector's plotline, which is the show beating me over the head with a nail bat while screeching "LOOK HOW PATHETIC HECTOR IS! LOOK AT THIS PITIFUL WET CAT! LOOK AT HIM COWERING NAKED IN A CELL EATING MOLDY BREAD! FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!". Just unpleasant for all sorts of reasons.

7) It's Been A Strange Ride (S4E10): Trevor miraculously survives Death! Alucard is happy to live with his new bossy gf as if nothing ever happened! Lenore suns herself just for a final kick in the balls to Hector, whose character will forever be remembered as "useless simp"! And most importantly, Dracula and Lisa get to live again as if the dude didn't just try to exterminate mankind, and they will have endless kinky sex until she dies while Alucard will forever mourn his parents but no one gives a shit about that because we love to piss on the games! :D

6) Old Homes (S2E2): It has the double combo "Alucard being the biggest moistest cunt to Trevor while we're supposed to laugh at this hilarious banter" and "Carmilla girlbossily girlbosses all over Dracula who can't even punish this vampire who insults his wife in front of everyone, establishing herself as the cooler villain"! Joy!

5) The Good Dream (S3E6): "Walkies! :D"

4) Back In The World (S4E5): It's the one with the infamous "Oh, shush, you were having fun" :) and all the Lenore apologism that follows :)

3) You Don't Deserve My Blood (S4E6): I get it. Isaac is Jesus and I should drop to my knees to suck his entire dick. Good thing this is his last appearance. Other than that, this episode is the last nail in the coffin for what was left of Hector's character, who is revealed to have been working to resurrect Dracula (a complete spit in the face to everything he stood for in S2) and also chooses to stay with his rapist instead of seeking true freedom.

2/1) The Harvest (S3E9)/Abandon All Hope (S3E10): It's hard to separate the two, and I wouldn't know which one is worse. The Harvest is infamous for being half boring fight scenes, and half "hot" sex scenes that are actually rape by deception: the entire episode is simply uncomfortable to sit through, not helped by the shoddy editing. Abandon All Hope is the season finally dropping its final message: "the world sucks, and you will be betrayed". Everyone except babyboy Isaac is left traumatized and cynical because we are so fucking edgy, we are just like Berserk fr fr. And, of course, in retrospect, Alucard and Hector's endings piss me off even more as all of their pain was for fucking nothing :)

(Nocturne is completely forgettable and doesn't reach the peaks of NFCV so it deserves its own ranking)

[snailsgoingdowntown]

Xiao loves me!? (April fools day special)

(I am so sorry for this, please don’t unfollow me after you read this monstrous thing of a fanfic…My pride is gone now. I can’t believe I actually did this…it’s so cringy, I’m so sorry to anyone who reads this. It’s based off a one direction fic I read when I was 14.

Warnings: Cringy fic, bad grammar, mention of sex trafficking/selling one’s virginity. I don’t know what to tag that as, actually…, mention of sex, physical violence. for your own sanity, do not read.)

A/n: heeeeyyyyyy!!!!!!! So like, this is my first fanfic!!! Plz don’t be so mean, I tried my best, okay (insert sad face here cuz Im using the public libiary to write this since my parents always check what I do with my phone even though I,’m 14!!!!) so here are the warnings: Almost being kidnapped, talk about sex (omg I was blushing so hard when I wrote that part!) stealing I think, dad trying to sell you. I think that’s it. enjoy!!!!!!

w.c: 888

Xiao was such a hunk of meat I swear to god! Such a good college student too, always lending me his notes whenever I miss a class. He’s just so…ahhh…I really wish I could like, kiss him or something! But I’m not that popular (neither is he, bur many girls like him because he’s just so hot but he’s also kinda scary looking, with like, that glare of his.) he makes sure to scold me if I miss too many though, and it’s not even my fault I had to miss them!!! my mom is always trying to sell me off, or rather, trying to like, sell my virginity, or something. It only happens every other day.

Like, sheesh mom, can you stop trying to put your nose in my business? I’m twenty now and moved out for a reason.

Anyway, back to what I was saying –

Xiao was scary, like, really, really scary. But he’s also really, really, really, really, really nice too!!!! it’s just he’s probably socially awkard….maybe. or maybe he does hate people? Who cares!!! It’s not like I like him or anything!!!! He’s just a nice guy who I talk to. Who only gave me his number because I am forced to skip (Thanks for that mom, I totally didn’t need to take that english class for my degree, or whatever) and I am falling behind. So like, he helps me out and I try to help him out with whatever he needs. But he never asks for anything in return.

But like, I NEED to pay him back!

He gave me his notes, paid for my dinner once or twice (My brother took my money cuz he wanted to get that new ps5 or something, I don’t really know), let me like ride his motoycle when it was raining an didn’t have a ride, let me spend the night at his dorm when I was locked out of mine (My bff was having sex with her bf. It was so loud omg, and they just! Told me to get lost!! All I did was knock on the door so I could get my charger!!!), help me study for my worst subjects, cuz like, I can’t fail unless I want to be a failure and have student debt!!!!!! Xiao also like, he goes out with me to places as long as there aren’t too many people.

So he probably does hate people.

Oh! And! Hes! Emo!!!

Emo guys are so hot…

Anyway, like I was sayimg!

So, like, Xiao is a good guy. He helps me and he’s always there for me, like that one time he punched my dad in the face cuz he was trying to take me and sell me to his friend so I could marry his son. Or something. I was knocked out and only know what the police told me. So, anyway, he’s a good guy. And also a hot guy.

But I think he likes…

MY FRIEND!!!!!

I push my (h/c) back as I make my way over to him, the black and teal haired man standing outside of my classroom – he was waiting for me. He’s such a good friend, I know my friend (Ashly is her name, she’s soooooo pretty with her blonde hair and blue eyes!!! She like him too!!!) will treat him right!! And I think Xiao will also treat her right!! So that means I can’t think of him as hot anymore when they start to go out.

Because then I would be a bad friend!!!!!!!!!

And I want to be a good friend.

So I walk up to Xiao who was on his phone but he had out it away the moment he noticed it was me. His face turns a bit pink and I tilt my head but chose not to ask about it. maybe he was a bit sick. “Xiao, are you free later on tonight?” even though Ashly likes him, I like him too I just realized this as he looks at me with gold eyes and nods his head while he pushes some of his hair out of his face. I always knew he was good looking, but like, this is different. My heart speeds up and I hatemyself because I never realized my feelings for him until now.

I am such a horrible friend!!!!

“yeah. How come?” “I was going out with ashly today and wanted to know id you wanted to come with us.” “Ashly? Ah. Your friend, the one who’s always with you in her free time, right?” “yeah – wait, you never knew her name?” “No because I never really paid attention to her. She’s not my type but you are.”

My heart stops and I think I’m gonna like, die.

“What do you mean im your type, Xiao?” “I mean that I like you. I want to marry you.” “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but we’re not even dating!!!!!!??????”

I gasp as he gets on one knee, brining a shiny ring out. He likes me!?!?!?!

“ (full name), will you marry me?”

“B-But ahsly0” “I’m in love with you not ashly. I want to marry you and only you.” “t-then yes!!! I love you too!!!”

I hug him and we like, kiss and he slips the ring on my ring finger.

I love Xiao and Xiao loves me!

 A/n: omg, I hope that was okay!!! Thank you for reading, I love you guys!!!!!

[meg-noel-art]

Why do you believe that Catra never got over her what you called "obsessive and selfish love" for Adora? Because I didn't see that.

-gestures vaguely to all of the show-

Okay, you know what, let’s get into this. Because I’m honestly tired of it all. First let’s start with this: In popular media, is there a common theme of erotic subtext between rivals? Uh, yeah. Hell yeah. Tension between two people looking to one up each other that can be read as romantic or sexual? Oh absolutely. So, let’s, for the sake of argument assume that was the type of dynamic that Noelle and Co. were going for all along, as they’ve stated. Because they weren’t the first to play with this dynamic and they won’t the last.

So again, tension and subtext between rivals that escalates into passion or eventually real love? Yes.

On the other hand: betrayal, emotional manipulation, physical maiming and injury and outright seeking the utter demise and failure of you ‘rival’ because they made you sad by making a better choice than you did? That doesn’t equate to love.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s approach Catra’s motivations as all based around this deep love she has for Adora, which I will argue through this post is more of as passionate and selfish obsession than actual love. (And honestly, that’s a super cool character motivation, but pretending that it’s an epic love story is gross and I hate it.)

So, let’s return to Season 1

One of the first real battles we see Catra and Adora in takes place at the end of the season. This comes after ‘The Promise’ wherein Adora tries again to get Catra to come with her, but Catra doubles down on her desire to spite Adora for hurting her and leaving her, by being as nasty as she possibly can and putting Adora in just as much emotional pain. Here, she not only fights Adora, but cuts her down to her deepest insecurities. Catra knows Adora and she knows how desperately she wants to be a hero. It’s an aspect of Adora that Catra has always disliked because it made her feel lesser. In order to fully cripple her rival here, Catra tugs at the strings she knows will hurt the most.

“You will fail them (you failed me)”, “You’re friends will hate you (Just like I do)” “You will never be the hero you want to be (I will be the reason you can’t)”. If you want to talk about subtext in this scene, Catra’s unhealthy and obsessive desire to be the only thing Adora needs/wants/thinks about is literally all over the place. If you want to argue that she’s saying all of this because she’s hurting, then it’s literally the cruelest possible way she could say it. And the show doesn’t bother selling us on the fact that Catra is in pain here, it just hammers home the idea of how badly she wants Adora to fail so she can feel that pain too.

In no universe, would I call that treatment of someone love.

Next up, this moment in Season 2:

I remember everyone losing their minds over this scene, and again, arguing a sexual tension between rivals, then yes, that makes sense. But in the context of this entire episode and the ones leading up to this point? This statement from Catra is disgusting. And it gets worse.

In the next scene, we see Catra literally planning to use Adora as her own personal weapon (an aspect I find personally icky when considering the struggle Adora has with destiny/her own autonomy at the end of Season 4 being use by Light Hope as a weapon. Catra literally has the same idea.)

And moreso than that, Catra won’t just use her as a weapon. She will use Adora to cut down anyone else who has ever cared about her or shown her affection. It’s a new level of jealousy/possession that is touched on even moreso as the series goes on. But what’s crazy to me is that it seems to have developed from Season 1. In the Battle of Bright Moon, Adora could only fail them. Now, however much later this is, Catra wants her to hurt them too. Adora will hurt, her friends will hurt. Everyone will hurt like Catra does. Because she’s possessive of Adora’s affection. It makes her feel like she has meaning. Which is an entire other can of worms about Catra’s motivations and character, but we’re gonna move ahead to season 3.

This is a fascinating moment to me. At this point, Catra has essentially flunked out of the Horde, but she’s NEVER been more determined to prove herself to Hordak, to SW, to Adora, to everyone. But here, Scorpia points out how truly happy she is when Adora isn’t even in the damn picture anymore. The poisonous environment of the Horde is gone, Catra is claiming respect for her abilities and personality. Adora has nothing to do with it and she’s happy.

And then:

Look, I am remise to sound like a total asshole, but the entire show is pointing this out for me through even it’s dialogue. Catra’s pain and hate and obsession returns when Adora mentions that their shared abuser Shadow Weaver has chosen her yet again. Suddenly, nothing matters. None of Scorpia’s kind words, or the achievments she made in the Waste. All that matters, is beating Adora. Hurting her. Being better and more loved than her.

Honesty, at this point I’m losing the thread of ‘love’ entirely. Now it just feels like a total mission for vengeance.  But, once again, okay, let’s argue she’s really just angry and wants Adora’s love back. So what does she do to get it?

She opens the Portal to hurt Adora. As Adora screams don’t, begs her not to, tells her what it will do to their world, Catra does it anyway. Because Adora must hurt. She broke Catra’s heart and Catra must break it back. That’s how love works, I guess.

Once again, if the show was working on selling me on Catra’s motivations being sympathetic and fueled by love all along. It is failing.

Now, let’s talk about the Portal world that it takes them into. What everyone called their “perfect universe”.

So we have this moment, where Adora gets to the heart of the issue and asks Catra about her real pain. Catra avoids it, once again. Yes, of course she’s wanted this, they both always have. I suppose at this moment you could argue her true motivations come through, but it also just emboldens my point that Catra is not growing. She’s not gaining any character development. If she did just always want Adora by her side, this scene shows us that Adora has moved past these Horde induced childhood dreams they have. She has seen a bigger world and a bigger issue and Catra is still holding onto the hope that they will keep this promise to always have each others backs.

Which, is an ironic thing to hold onto considering Catra was the first to break this promise, by not going with Adora when the time was right. And yet she believes Adora is the one who owes her the apology. Now, this would be great set up for an arc about Catra coming to terms with the fact that she is the problem and Season 4 seemed ready to set that up but then... didn’t.

This line in particular has always stuck with me because it broke their relationship entirely for me. At this point, Catra could apologize all she wanted in a possible redemption arc, but the damage was done. She admitted a pain so deep that it would change her and Adora’s relationship forever. Her hurt ran so deep that she would rather die, see everything end, than see Adora find happiness outside of her.

I could stop this post here and honestly, my point would have been made. But we’ve got more to go.

I was so excited after the moment. After an entire season of snapping under the weight of her own choices. It is the image of Scorpia, who loved her unconditionally, who tells Catra that she is the problem and she always has been.

At this point, I was ready. Catra had hit rock bottom, there was nowhere to go but up. She would approach her pain and figure out who she wanted to be as a person. She would team up with the Rebellion because she knew it was the right thing to do, she would atone for her mistakes. By the end maybe she would go on her own adventure to find herself?

And.... No?

She doesn’t.

Season 5 rolls around and suddenly she is right back where she started, scrambling up the ladder for power and respect. It sure doesn’t work for Horde Prime, putting her in real danger. She even gets a few moments to connect with Glimmer (maybe apologize for the Portal...no... oh okay.) 

In fact, she saves Glimmer! But.... why does she do it? Certainly not for Glimmer’s sake, a character who has been stated by the crew to be literally her narrative foil, her other half. But...

Like...? At this point I don’t even know what the show is going for anymore, it’s a fucking mess. You could even argue that up to this point, Catra HAS been manipulating Glimmer to trust her so that she could in turn save Adora. Which is all kinds of fucked up, as we see in the conversation with the BFS squad that Glimmer WANTS to save Catra, and trusts her.

And then this memory that incited Catra’s desire to save Adora was:

I could have just answered with this screenshot and saved myself an hour. You wanna argue love? Fine. 

Then Catra has NEVER let go of her frankly concerning obsession with Adora’s attention and affection and that is no more clear that this memory where she also physically assaults her and steps on her, and Adora goes crawling after her trying to comfort her.

Oh? Are you, Catra? Well that’s cool. You are allowed to be sorry. But that doesn’t mean Adora owes you literally anything at this point. No one is ever obligated to accept any apology no matter how heartfelt it might be.

At the end of the day, this love story their trying to sell me on is so twisted I can hardly stand to watch the final season. Because it’s never worked out!! Adora immediatedly forgives every moment I’ve listed in this post and more. Catra never apologizes to someone who deserved it most, Scorpia. 

And more than that, Catra never grows into who she should have become as a character. She is stuffed into an OTP the show wanted from the beginning but failed for 5 seasons to make convincing or compelling.

Also Adora has such a huge heart she deserves someone who would treat her better than Catra could. Catra can’t. Catra can’t even treat herself right.

Like... Yeah. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Hope this answered your question. 

Obsessive, possessive....Gross. I’m tired. C/A won at the end of the day I guess, but at what cost?

[melodyalanaroster]

To answer some Fanfic Questions...

So, this is my response to @broxklynn‘s post... I decided to make this its own post... So that It can be properly answered.

1. How and why did you start to write? Is there some kind of story behind it?

I started writing in general when I was in elementary school... Back when I just had a Platform 9 3/4 journal, not many friends, recess, and a desire to immerse myself in the world of Harry Potter. I enjoyed writing, and even joined the Writer’s Club in High School (but I eventually left to join Anime Club and Divergent Thinking Society). As for writing MCL fanfiction, I began writing Sam’s and Alana’s stories as early as when I first got into the fandom, back in 2013. Alana’s story started out as “A Fresh Start”, had a one shot called “When I Wake”, then turned into “Let The Dawn Be Broken”, and is now “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. The final product barely has any hints of the first 3... In fact, Sam’s story, “Fighting Darkness”, has been completely debunked due to what I’ve decided to canonize in “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. Writing MCL fanfiction has been a major help in distracting me from the depression that was caused by family issues, severe abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, my mom’s disease and her death, as well as working at several shitty jobs. Writing has helped me escape reality and keep myself sane enough to not be a black hole of hate, anger, and sadness to my friends and boyfriend.

2. What do you struggle the most with your writing?

There are 2 major things I struggle with... 1 is Timing. I often set deadlines for myself that I never meet and it makes me so frustrated that I miss them... There are currently things in my drafts that were meant to be “Holiday Specials” for Valentine’s Day and Halloween 2020 that are still unfinished... It makes me feel like I’m letting my readers down, when its more of me letting myself down... The other thing is Inspiration. Because I hate my job, I often think about Alana’s story in an effort to not be completely consumed by the fact that I do hate my work... Due to that, I often come up with ideas for my story that I think are FANTASTIC for my story... But, by the time I get home, I’m either in too much pain or too tired to write, or I’ve forgotten the ideas...

3. What is your favorite genre to write?

I love writing Romance with a bit of Slice of Life and a hint of Action/Adventure... 

4. Slowburn or “Flame”/PWP?

Slow burn any day.

5. How do you overcome writer’s block?

If I absolutely can’t write... I work on other stuff I need to do... Typically, something around the house, or something online I need to do... I also look for cool stuff to add to wish lists... I’ll occasionally play videogames or read comic books... In an effort to subvert writer’s block, I like having multiple chapters in my drafts at once. If I’m not in the mood to work on one chapter, I can work on a different one.

6. What kind of thing you dislike the most, when reading a fanfiction? (for example: particular plot, grammar mistakes)

One thing that makes me upset (and it makes me madder when I do this) is misspelling... Especially when it looks like its almost blatant... You have autocorrect, USE IT! Or when a fanfic is so awful, yet the author acts like their work is a gift from god... I don’t mind a “bad” fanfiction... Hell, the concept of “My Immortal” is so bad that its hilarious... But Fifty Shades did a lot of damage and E.L. James acts like she’s bigger than Jesus... Seriously, she wrote Twilight fanfiction, changed some minor details and names, people who have no knowledge of BDSM ate it up, and she acts like she’s a “Sex and Relationship Guru”...

7. What’s the biggest issue for you, when writing a Beemoov fanfiction?

The biggest issue for me is finding out when to allow for Beemoov’s writing and placement to take place in my story. I don’t like a lot of the events of UL and LL, so I’m often finding myself in a position where I have to watch video playthroughs and go “Okay, how can I omit this character, but keep this scene?”. I’ve had to do that A LOT with Alexy and Rosalaya.... Although, to a certain extent, I’ll often cut their scenes out altogether. I really hate what Beemoov did to them. They were great characters in HSL, but became utter shit in UL and stayed shit in LL. To make up for Beemoov’s writing style, I’ve created my own characters, added in old characters (like Kentin and Armin), added in bits from the manga (like Viktor, Severina and their fathers), and gone off on my own storyline. The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster is close to MCL at times, but often veers off onto its own road.

8. Have you ever created a character based on person in real life? (celebrity, someone that you know, etc)

YES!!! A LOT of characters in my story are based on real people! Alana’s step-father, Nate Films, is closely based on Nathan Fillion. A lot of her family members are based on members of my own family, just changed a bit to fit the story. Lynne Roster, Alana’s mom, is what I had always dreamed my own mom would be... Hell, Alana’s cat, Sylvester, is based on my own childhood cat, Luna.

9. How do you feel about your own characters? Do you think of them as your babies or have rather love-hate relationship with them? (And, do you have favorite one?)

I love most of my characters. I do hate 3 in particular... But, you’re supposed to hate, or at least not respect, them... That’s why I poured my hatred into them... Those 3 are Carol, Kai and Azrael. Carol has aspects of my abuser in her. You’ll see more of her when I finally post the HSL related chapters... And understand what I mean... Kai is based on one of my real life cousins that I’ve not been happy with for years (the one who my bf has deemed “the family failure”). You mainly see him in the Cousin Mels chapters, and in the Christmas Special... Azrael is the one who is seen the most in the UL chapters, and she is a main adversary for Alana. She is the one who broke her the most, the one who ended Alana’s relationship with Nathaniel, the one who truly traumatized her. As for ones I love... The one I love the most is Alana... I know, she’s a reflection of me, so that’s kind of vain... But, she’s a part of me. When I do finish her story and am at the point where I need to say “Goodbye”, it will hurt....

10. Enemies-to-lovers or friends/bestfriends-to lovers?

Definitely friends/best friends to lovers. I also like toying with what happens when best friends turn to lovers, but circumstance parts them and one moves on...

11. Is it easy for you to get inside your character’s head? Can you empathize with them? Is there’s some similarities between you and your main character?

It is VERY easy for me to get into Alana’s head... Like I said in #9, she is a reflection of me. She looks and acts like how I’d like to in a lot of situations... Her life is more interesting, traumatized, and more well off than mine... But, she is still me in major ways...

12. Who has been the biggest supporter of your writing?

Definitely my boyfriend. He doesn’t really understand the game itself... But, he likes how happy it makes me and he respects how much of my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears that I’ve poured into writing my story. He loves listening to me read passages from it to him while I’m working. He gives me advice and his opinion is highly valued... My family knows I’m writing a large story, and have seen some of the images that I’ve gotten commissioned, but they don’t really know or care about the game. They do respect the fact that I am writing. They love the fact that I’m slightly following in my mom’s footsteps in that regard (she wrote 3 books and several poems). My online friends have been very supportive as well! I’m constantly updating them on what I’ve worked on each day in my Discord Server and the words of encouragement always help.

13. How do you handle criticism?

Not well. Due to the abuse and family issues mentioned in #1, for a good amount of my life, I’ve gotten nothing but harsh criticism... So, now that I’m away from all that, at 26 years old, I’m just now getting to a point where I’m starting to take it better... But, I’ve got a long way to go.

14. Do you like giving your characters trauma? Why/why not?

I hate sounding like a sadist... But, I’m going to anyway, so fuck it... Yes. I have done awful things to Alana over the years. In A Fresh Start, she got sexually assaulted and ostracized. In When I Wake, she gets into a car crash, put into a coma, and in her dream state murdered by Francis in front of Nathaniel. In Let The Dawn Be Broken, the plan was for her to end a war. In “The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster”, her childhood cat dies, her mom gets sick, she gets abused by Carol, her best friends get ripped away from her for a bit, she gets sent to a country halfway around the world alone, she gets assaulted and ultimately turned into a weapon of mass destruction.... I’ve even thought of killing her mom off at one point... But decided against it...

Now, granted, A Fresh Start and Let The Dawn Be Broken never saw completion, but happy endings were planned for them...

I do this, all while giving Alana happy endings in each story because ���If Alana can go through utter hell and make it through, then so can I.”... I know, I’m “god” in that regard and I can control how Alana’s life is.... But, the fact that in my writing, she ends up standing tall, happy, with everything she wants, after everything she goes through does make me feel better.... 

15. Are you proud of yourself? When you look at first piece you wrote and compare it to the latest one?

Yes. If you look at A Fresh Start, you can tell it was written by someone fresh out of High School. There’s no real depth to it. Let The Dawn Be Broken isn’t much better... But, The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster has become my magnum opus. It is the largest piece I have EVER written, and will probably remain the largest piece I write. I am very proud of what I have created... And when its last word is written, and I am ready to get it made for it’s place on my shelf, I will feel very bittersweet about it... That being said, my original plan for a sequel involving Nathaniel’s and Alana’s daughter, Aurora, has been discarded. I don’t believe Aurora could ever have as much of my heart that her parents do...

And there you have it! Some insight into my world, writing, and history!

[firewoodfigs]

(long post, but I’m gonna try and make journalling a thing in 2021 😆)

The first day of the new year was nice. :) I woke up to the sounds of rain crashing against my windowsills - a strangely chilly morning in this tropical country where it’s summer all year round. For a moment it felt like I was back in Canada again, all cloudy grey skies and whimsical rain - the perfect weather for introspection. 

I started my day with a pot of hot green tea, then settled down by my reading lamp to finish a book that I’ve been putting off for far too long - Steinbeck’s East of Eden. I only had about forty pages left, but somehow couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I hate when books end because it feels like that little world I’ve created and compartmentalised in my head has likewise ceased, but the good thing about books is that you can always re-read them and immerse yourself in the same fantasy. (Maybe even a different one, if the same words lend themselves to a different interpretation!) But it truly was an absolute masterpiece: such a stunning, intricate exploration of humanity that tugged at my heartstrings and led me into still waters of reflection. I know that I will definitely carry this tale in my heart for a long, long time to come. 

Afterwards, I had some instant ramen while watching The Queen’s Gambit. I’m not a big fan of watching shows usually because I often feel like they move too slowly or tend to miss details from the book, but this one is pretty exceptional. Like, the acting and the artistic direction are incredible - the constant juxtaposition between Beth’s traumatic past and her glorified present, and the exploration of the fallibility of genius were executed so brilliantly. Another thing that really stood out to me were the scenes where she’d hole herself in the toilet and rebuke herself aloud for weaknesses in her play and/or being weak, in general. I cannot begin to explain how many times I’ve done that to myself in law school for even the most trivial of infractions, the most minor of errors - Lord knows I’m my harshest critic. 

I promised to try, however, to be a little bit kinder to myself in 2021. My perfectionism tends to be a bar to goodness and growth because sometimes I get so afraid that my subconscious keeps demanding that my first draft has to be perfect. But it really doesn’t. That’s what editing is for. And writing, like any other talents and passions, requires nurturing and constant practice. I saw a quote yesterday about how we cannot just sit around and magically expect to be Faulkners overnight, and that is so true. I definitely need to find a sweet spot where I’m not berating myself to the point of giving up, but still demand growth so that I can keep bettering myself. 

In the evening I headed out to a friend’s for tacos, which were an absolute delight in itself. And then my bf and I got to walk his dog, who I am convinced is the most precious thing in the entire universe - maybe even more so than my bf himself (I kid... or maybe not) - and who is just such a gentle-natured darling. It began to drizzle, so she led us home and we spent the rest of the night playing Sherlock and Among Us with the rest. :) It was a very peaceful evening. For a moment I’d forgotten all about the fact that I start work next Monday and was simply content to bask in the Christmas lights, the heavy downpour and the anomalous chill that came along with it. Just... living in the present, enjoying the moment. 

Now that’s definitely something else on my to-do list for 2020 as well. So often the beauty of the present tends to be marred by my worries and anxieties of the future, but I always remind myself of this quote from Scripture: “Which one of you, by worrying, can add another day to his life?” And when I look back at my life and all the times I’ve worried and fretted and cried, feeling like there was no way for us to extricate ourselves from this rut, this perennial cycle of debt and other things that have plagued me from birth, I am also reminded of God’s grace and providence that has brought me through so, so much. It would’ve been impossible to have done all of this by myself; I frankly might not have had the will to continue living if not for those things. 

Talking about my lived experiences also ties in to the last part of my day - where I thought about how exclusive and inaccessible the poetry scene here feels. You would think otherwise, in a country of no more than 5-6 million folks, but no. I was ranting about this a little to my boyfriend: how it feels like a lot of the spaces within are reserved for the elites of society with silver spoons in their mouths and golden plates on their tables offering them anything they wanted while I was struggling to put food on the table at fourteen. Sometimes I also lament the fact that I didn’t have my parents to tell me bedtime stories, to encourage me to read and cultivate my vocabulary. Perhaps it’s jealousy, or inferiority, or a mix of both. 

But my boyfriend, ever wise and supportive, offered me a different perspective. He made a fair point about how I still fell in love with books and writing regardless, and how literature is oftentimes only a harbour that the privileged visit because the marginalised, the poor are too busy working for basic necessities to even think about such things. To the ordinary blue-collar layperson, poetry is just frankly a frivolous sentiment that won’t turn itself into gold. I agree with this wholeheartedly. It’s one of the reasons why I always felt like I didn’t have time to write, and one of the reasons why my first job was at a library (so I could read as much as I wanted! For free!). Then he said, “But see, no one wants to read about the rich waxing poetic about how lovely and grand their sunny little island is. But people will want to read about your perspective - your poems of the brokenhearted clinging on desperately to their inner child, your poems about the poor working to make ends’ meet, your poems about your tangible struggles - all of those will resonate with the masses, for sure.” And I was like, well, that’s fair. But I certainly don’t express myself as eloquently as these people do. Next to them I’m like an uncultured swine who can’t even tell the difference between all the different forks splayed on the table. 

His response was that people need to understand these things before appreciating them, and sometimes simplicity works best - a lesson that’s been drilled into us from the very inception of law school. And I was like, okay, fair, but deep down my heart was exploding with the sheer warmth of having someone so incredibly supportive of everything I do, even if it’s worthless in society’s eyes. I remember one night when I was telling him about how, as a twelve-year-old, I had a dream to one day study Literature at Yale. I would hole myself up in the library after school, feverishly flipping through books to expand my imaginations and horizons, my mental dictionary of words, dreaming about the day where I could escape all of this and dwell in nothing but imaginative worlds one day. Where reality failed me, I knew that I could always count on my imagination to transport me to somewhere safe and special, filled with joy and sorrow and tragedy and hope. 

I ended up studying law. Not a bad thing, because as stressful as it was I really did enjoy the things I’ve learnt - international and constitutional law, especially - and it has certainly given me new, mature perspectives on so many things; taught me to argue with reason and objectivity instead of just emotion and passion and has led me to meet so many wonderful (also trashy, but I’m out of this hellhole) people. I just don’t like the fact that 80-hour work weeks are the norm and that there’s always so much to... read. If you gave me a piece of fiction I could happily indulge in it for hours, but sometimes judgments can be so ridiculously mundane to read, especially if they’re just itemising every single case on illegality from the 19th century. Lord knows I need at least two cups of coffee for that. Black, to be specific. 

Anyway, I digress (as I always do lmao). My bf ended up researching all night until he stumbled across this Literature programme at Harvard - which frankly sounds amazing, but also unattainable. Which was what I said. And he was like, “Do I think it’s impossible? No. I think you have a very compelling life story, and you’re full of amazing stories within you to tell. And if you want to do it, I will support you wholeheartedly.” 

Again, as is usually the case, I had nothing left to offer apart from muted sobs under my blanket. It still sounds absurd to me - unthinkable, even - but I am just so, so grateful to have someone like him support me through everything. Literally everything. This is the man who has spent hours tutoring me in the subjects that I was hopeless in in first year, because I was too busy tutoring random folks in economics and geography and catching up on sleep (in class, no less), who has patiently helped me prepare for every single mooting competition and watched every single one of them, who has seen me cry and admonish myself for being a failure (only to spend hours trying to convince me otherwise), who has celebrated every single one of my victories and losses - you deserve a treat, anyway! Let’s go eat something nice and put it behind us, for now! This is the same man who has so much passion for what he does, who is so darn good at it without even realising that he is (I wept when he won a mooting competition this year because I was so proud of and happy for him), and who inspires confidence and compassion in me every day. 

I am grateful to share all our triumphs and tribulations together, and I look forward to starting a new chapter in life with you. :) 

[kayliemusing]

12

How long until your birthday?: 3 months

Do you have any relatives in the military currently?: No

Who got married at the last wedding you went to?: My cousin

Are you better at math or art?: I wasn’t particularly good at either lol. Art was more relaxing even though I knew I wasn’t good at it. I hated math.

Science or History?: History.

Who was your 4th grade teacher?: Mrs Brander, and she was such a hard ass.

Who was your best friend in 7th grade?: Erika

Where did you go to pre-school, if you went at all?: To the collicutt center. It was like a recreational center so it had the gym, dance classes, swimming pool, etc.

Who was the last person to call you?: My mom

What’s your favorite brand of gum?: I like Juicy Fruit, although it doesn’t last very long. I don’t chew a lot of gum because it always makes me hungry.

Do you own a digital camera?: No

How old is the cellphone you have right now?: Not that old. I have the iPhone 11 Pro. I’m not sure when it came out though. Only a couple years I think?

Do you know anyone named Tyler?: Yes

Are both your parents still living?: No, just one.

What was the last thing you bought?: I think it was McDonalds from skip the dishes haha

Can you do a handstand?: No.

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?: Three, I think.

Have you ever had a pet fish?: Yes

Are you taller than your mom?: No.

Are you confused?: Most of the time

Whats on your wish list for your birthday?: I don’t really know. I guess some makeup from colourpop would be nice. 

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?: More like crippling fear of being a failure and never amounting to anything and being stuck in a job i hate and living an unfulfilled life and having never reached my potential and living in low income housing where i have an ugly kitchen that hasn’t been updated since the 70s and i never achieved any of my dreams, and then i watch as everyone goes on and lives fabulous lives because they were smart and hardworking but i just could never rise to my full potential. 

Something you hate more than anything?: my sister’s bf/soon to be ex-bf. also kanye west.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?: no

Do you like surprises?: I like really good surprises, but I don’t like feeling shocked. The only downside with surprises is you can get so excited that after it’s over and you’re not excited anymore, it’s like you get a drop in adrenaline and then you get sad or tired after.

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you?: Oh yeah

Do you miss someone?: Yes

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?: I think if I felt that was the right thing to do, then yes.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?: No, I just think we learn to thrive in spite of it and good can come from it.

Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?: I’m not really friends with her anymore, but mackenzie would have been a good doctor if she wanted to be.

What’s your most favorite scar?: I don’t have cool scars, just lame ones from thinking I was cool as a kid and crashing my bike and falling into a pit of wounded pride and humilation.

When was the last time you flew in a plane?: I’ve actually never been on a plane.

What did the last text message say that you received?: My sister telling me that she’s pretty sure she has ADHD which I can confirm just by being around her lol. 

How many kids do you wanna have?: I’ve always felt 3, but I don’t even know if I’ll have kids or get married. I’m not opposed to kids, but I’m also okay if I never have them.

Would you make a good parent?: I think so. I had great parents so I’m sure I would be fine. I suck in the cooking category though lol.

Where was your default picture taken?: My tumblr blogs are all pics of Taylor Swift lol, but on my facebook it’s a selfie I took of myself at my dining room table.

Honestly, whats on your mind right now?: I just feel really tired and bummed. I’m always stressed about how much work I’m not getting done, but when I go to write something down I just get overwhelmed or I don’t know what to say or I don’t have any ideas. I wrote something a few nights ago I was proud of so I think I’m getting better at forcing it out of me and shoving the doubts behind me, but they’re there and they’re rampant some days. Lately, I’m just worried about not rising into my potential and always sitting beneath it and never achieving my goals and dreams. 

Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: Both! It depends on the look I’m going for that day. I like wearing my glasses because it’s less hassle and more comfortable on my eyes, but especially because of masks right now, I like to wear my contacts so I don’t have to deal with my breath fogging them up or if I love my eye makeup/am wearing fake lashes.

When is the last time you received a massage? About a year and a half ago. I never actually went for a full massage, but I had a facial and part of the facial was a leg and foot massage which we beautiful.

Who made you cry?: Recently, my managers when they indirectly accused me of stealing (they said I look suspicious??) from the tills which was totally absurd and I felt kind of betrayed by them in a way that they would think I could do something like that, especially after I’ve been two years of my life to this company.

What was the last tv show you watched? Honestly, I think it was Spongebob lol. It was on tv a few days ago so I watched it. What are your plans for tomorrow?: I need to clean my bathroom really badly lol. I think my mom wants to open her gifts early tomorrow (she’s a christmas baby) so we’re probably going to do that and then at 3:30 I have to work.

[spookyadhdgoblin]

Vent Post

CW: strong language, poor coping mechanisms, emotional disregulation, depression triggers

Context: I have been trying to get my mother, who is also an ADHDer, to bring me the washer and dryer she promised me for almost a week and I cant her to fucking understand that we literally fucking needed it two damn days ago. When she orginally said she was bringing it.

.

.

.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not scream. I will not scream. I will not scream. I will not scream. I will not be destructive. I will not be destructive. I will not be destructive.

I will not cry.

Why the actual FUCK can't my mother understand??? It has been at least a week since my last shower, roughly the same for my bf and we CAN NOT FUCKING SHOWER because 1) No towels. 2) No fucking clothing.

I feel icky because I can not shower. My hair is a greasy mess constantly trying to knot up. I can smell my BO and of fucking course that sets off my RSD because if *I* can smell myself, so can everyone else and I'm going to be ridiculed for it. Because I am so icky I just want to crawl into bed and fucking stay there because, well, what's the point? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to break shit.

She doesn't seem to fucking care because it's not her house. It's not her mind in jeopardy of spiraling into depression. It's not her relationship feeling the strain because of her inability to fucking organize time. If this was the other way around, she would have been screaming at me the second day of me not showing up. Telling me how shitty I am, how I don't care about anyone but myself.

Like, why???? Why does she do this to me? Am I that fucking shitty of a daughter or something? Does she hate me because I remind her of my father? I dont know and I'm sick of running this bullshit rat race with her.

Why cant she just fucking listen to me??? Like I am on the verge of falling back into a long-running depressive episode and FUCK if it isnt exhausting trying to hold myself out of it. No clean clothes. No towels. No money to go to the laundromat. No close friends to let us do laundry at their house.

I feel like such a failure because the clothes are piled all over the fucking bedroom because they overflowed the hamper. Dishes will pile up bc I cant let them air dry, I have to hand dry them as I go bc the clutter makes me and my bf ancy.

I feel like a failure as a romantic partner. I feel like a failure as an adult. I just want to fucking curl up and cry. And I cant do that.

Sometimes I fucking hate my mother. And I only say that out of anger, no I dont really mean it. I'd be lost if anything happened to her. But goddamn am I pissed off and hurt by her right now.

Oh! Let's not forget when I called her she said she was still moving things from the other house, but when I hung up she was SETTING UP HER GODDAMN LAPTOP TO GET ON IT.

[borkingbarnes]

50 questions!

Thank you for the tag @buckyland! You are literally the softest angel and I have mega amounts of love for you. 💗💗

Putting a Keep Reading bar bc its a lil long aha 

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?  Black and red. Though I can't really brush my hair bc brushed out wavy/curly hair = hella frizz :/ 

2. Name a food you never ever eat.  Olives, bell peppers, Brussel sprouts. 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold. Always too cold, considering I live in a barren wasteland. 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?  jamming out in the shower lol 

5. What is your favourite candy bar?  Hershey’s cookies and cream 😍

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?  I think a professional hockey game when I was in elementary?? 

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “what the fuck is this shit?” (directed at my final exam review) 

8. What is your favourite ice cream?  Vanilla or oreo! 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?  Cofy. 💜

10. Do you like your wallet?  Yes!! It was a gift from Christmas! 

11. What was the last thing you ate?  a singular sunflower seed that was on my desk lol

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?  No, I’m not a huge fan of buying clothes if I can't try it on first. However... this hoodie from UO is speaking to me but its so. frickin. expensive.  

13. The last sporting event you watched?  I think a men’s semi-finals volleyball match against UBC that hosted at my uni years ago? I had a huge crush on our setter at the time LOL 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?  butter or caramel.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?  A text to my bf ranting about how the government will only allow me to get 1 month of BC at a time (before you could get 3-6 months worth at a time), which is fucked bc it just means more trips out?? 

16. Ever go camping?  Yes!! Hoping to go this summer if everything clears up by then.

17. Do you take vitamins?  Occasionally, if I open the cupboard and see it. But only the fruity chewable ones bc they're yummy lol 

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?  No. But my one of my friends does and he was supposed to send in a video of him playing some song for his church’s Easter service bc he’s got a degree in music and just overall v good at his instrument. His brother streaked through in the background of said video. He still sent it in. The church played it for the service. akljsldkj 

19. Do you have a tan?  No, she long faded :(

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?  yes. 100% yes. gimme some of that good good sweet and sour pork ANY day. 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?  I don't drink soda lol 

22. What color socks do you usually wear?  Those multicoloured Puma ones which everyone has that you can get in a bundle from Costco are all I wear 😂

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?  I usually go like 5 km/h above?

24. What terrifies you?  Failure, not getting anywhere in life, being trapped, losing my mom and grandparents, got reaching my goals. 

25. Look to your left, what do you see?  The disarray that is my unmade bed 

26. What chore do you hate most?  Dishes. 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?  lol its terrible but they could literally be saying anything but my brain will immediately go “DEOWN UNDAHH” 

28. What’s your favorite soda?  I don't like soda, but will on a rare occasion take a sip of coke or sprite if my bf is drinking it. 

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive?  Drive-thru 100%. I will avoid humans as much as possible lol that and im too lazy to get out of the car most of the time 😅

30. What is your favourite number?  8, 38! 

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?  Like face to face? I guess me mum? 

32. Favourite cut of beef?  T-bone 😍

33. Last song you listened to?  Atlas - Luke Christopher (very fitting for the current times if you ask me, and just overall one of my all time favs.) 

34. Last book you read?  The mind-numbing bullshit that is my textbook. 

35. Favourite day of the week?  Saturdaze

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?  No. I have 1 braincell, and she is not able to complete such an extensive task. 

37. How do you like your coffee?  A good old double double if hot, but I quite enjoy a vanilla iced cofy.

38. Favourite pair of shoes?  My black Nike running shoes in general, my black Timberlands in winter, and my black suede Chelsea boots for a more dressy look! (I enjoy wearing the colour black if you couldn't tell😂)

39. The time you normally get up?  If I don't have any obligations: 10:30-11:30 😅

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Give me ALL the sunsets. 

41. How many blankets on your bed?  3. I am a cold, cold child. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates.  White, square ones? 

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment?  Littered with papers and writing utensils because my brother does his homework at the dinner table

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink?  Caesars with Walter’s caesar mix 😍😍 Daiquiris are also yum! AND PINA COLADAS. 

45. Do you play cards? I play uno almost everyday on my phone LOL (hit me up if you wanna play together!!)

46. What colour is your car?  Gray 

47. Can you change a tire?  I don’t think so? Though I know the basics? 

48. Your favourite state? Tranquil. At peace. Basically how I feel when I’m floating on my back in water with the sun on my face.  If its US states then I haven't been too too many, but I absolutely adored Florida because of DisneyWorld. I also have some really good memories in Illinois 

49. Favourite job you’ve had?  I still have this job but a vet assistant! 

50. How did you get your biggest scar?  lol. ha im embarrassed. buckle up and prepare for story time. it’s kinda gory(?) so don't read if you don't like that stuff!! 

Box jumps in high school (we had a proper actual gym with weights and machines and stuff). I took my glasses off (idk why I decided to workout in glasses instead of contacts?) bc they kept sliding down every time I jumped. Mind you my prescription is like -5.50 and I have astigmatism so my depth perception is like non-existent without some sort of corrective lenses. But my half blind, non depth perceiving ass was like eh how bad can it be? Well it was VERY bad!! I completely misjudged how high I needed to jump (the box was on the highest side) and basically slammed my shin against the edge of the box (its wooden and very solid!!) and the weight of the rest of my body plus gravity caused my shin to dig and scrape against the edge of the box v deep on the way down. Idk if it was bone or what but there was definitely something flat and whitish in the deepest part?? Nothing broken luckily, but it hurt like a bitch. Found a first aid kit and bandaged myself up and limped around the whole day. Years later, there's still a longish scar and it’s indented along it. 

I also have a fading but quite large scar from road burn when my friend decided it would be funny to push me super fast just out of the blue while I was sitting on a skateboard and not stop me when I started teetering. I was wearing shorts and basically scraped my thigh and part of my butt against concrete. It was painful as fuck and didnt heal for a long time bc it was such a large surface area. I was P I S S E D. 

lol thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far! Tagging some beautiful peeps if y'all want: @evanstar @fightmewiatch @jalapenobarnes @buckthegrump @tropicalcap @sgtjbuccky 

[rgr-pop]

LONG POST AIRING GRIEVANCES ABOUT DUMB SHIT IN BEAUTY COMMUNITY!! 

oh my GOD. okay, so, small youtuber who is climbing. beloved by many small youtubers because she is a regular girl and very nice and FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK and has social justice interests, she also posts a lot of drama content and some people (including me tbh) really like the way she kind of ~~democratizes drama content. don’t @ me it’s whatever. reddit HATES her because her mother buys her a lot of makeup for her birthday (literally) and she is not into self-punishing no-buys which is the only thing people like right now very coincidentally (going on a no-buy is apparently how you end landfills).

this youtuber is fat and not conventionally pretty--I really hate even saying the latter because it is objectively not true and also an evil thing to say even nicely, but for example she is always talking about how she doesn’t really care that her lips are small and is not interested in overdrawing or “fixing” them, and getting flamed for it. in the community (the respectable arm of it, which is the rddt, where we are ostensibly not allowed to be like “she looks terrible”), where there is smoke there is fire, and “not skilled at makeup” + maybe some nebulous complaints about whininess = she is a fat girl, end her. (”rude” = black youtuber too much power, end her.)

i’m talking about sm*key gl*w whose name is hannah, hannah #1, i think it is interesting to contrast her with the other hannah that i talk about sometimes--i try not to talk about her too much because we sort of teechnically have real world social connections and, also, i just feel bad for her. i feel desperately bad for hannah #2, because she is in her thirties having lived in art communities and global urban centers but for the first time in her life having to reckon with things like--”it is not appropriate to talk about calories at dinner, etc.” that is the second hannah, and while she is sweet and interesting to many in the small youtube community precisely because she is very alien to them (has mfa), it’s very difficult to watch, and sometimes i think she is the most “toxic” youtuber i follow. she is not an originator in any way, but she found herself in the center of a so-called anticonsumerist movement in small beautube that is kind of taking over, which is related to but not exactly minimalism--you have probably heard me talk about this already, at length. a good example of this is that second hannah recently said in a video that she was thinking of doing a shopping “fast.” i don’t know how she became this person, and how she held onto this kind of personality in spite of being in lots of communities that i am also in or have friends in where i know that if you talked this way about dieting etc. at a social event, someone would probably softly scold you. she somehow insulated herself from this kind of learning, i don’t know, then she threw herself into beautube where a woman who maybe sort of likes art and writes poetry and has heard of “fair trade” before is an absolute anomaly, but that community--like literally, where people do liposuction and skinny teas!--has only encouraged this absolutely unreal nasty and BAD behavior. etc. i have a lot of feelings about this.

so first hannah is a fat girl who is not rich--we will get to that!--but spends her money primarily on makeup. people HATE her. second hannah is thin, possibly rich in family origin (i think she is) but basically your average working artist in life. she frames her so-called overconsumption not even precisely as an addiction but specifically as a lack of willpower that she also struggles with when it comes to sometimes eating sugar (really). both of these hannahs consume and talk about quite a lot of luxury makeup--second hannah is very openly committed to luxury purchase as part of her self-conception. second hannah sometimes goes on “shopping diets” though, so people praise her! it is evil. 

above is the shit i hate day in and day out but the points below will have more to do with the screencap +...upstate new york, i guess. henceforth we are only talking about first hannah.

so this girl is from some kind of small town around rochester or syracuse--something up there. iirc she goes to a suny school i had never heard of (i looked it up and it is a “suny comprehensive college,” though i can’t remember if she transferred out of this school to a bigger school. but, as many of you know, sunys are cheap as hell and should be protected at all costs, this school costs well under half what my state school did, for residents anyway.) she is in her mid-twenties and not graduated yet, due to struggles she has had (and spoken openly about) as well as having gone to community college. they LOVE to bring up how she is too old to be a college student! she’s like...idk 24 or something. she is going to school to be a social worker in one of those accelerated programs, which she has found quite difficult (again, spoken openly about this) and which also requires, as many of you know!, lots of extra work, unpaid and paid. she said somewhere that she does not have student loans, but i don’t know if her parents paid for her college or just shouldered loans, or if she paid for it, or if it is all financial aid. (”not having student loans” is something that enrages people, ESPECIALLY when someone doesn’t have loans because they got need-based aid.) again, she probably had some financial catastrophes due to school failures (speaking from experience here), but: sunys is cheap as hell and there are a million reasons why someone could go to one and not be struggling with loans!

where was i...her parents. watching this has fascinated me! her dad was a school teacher and her mom is a social worker--absolutely public servant middle class. i thiiink (could be wrong) that her father retired already and ended up retiring from a principalship, so they were probably extremely comfortable by the time she was in college, but they are definitionally middle class. the biggest controversy around this youtuber is that for birthdays and christmas her mother goes fucking insane--probably spent two to four hundred dollars on her for her birthday. she talks about this all the time: her mother and her are very close and their hobby is shopping. people treat this like the bougiest fucking thing on earth and it is ba nanas. straight up, this girl has probably never even HEARD of anthropologie. listen, i can’t afford to live like her either but i recognize poor shopping when i see it. working class people like to blow their money on bullshit and to take issue with that is demonstrably racist and classist! i will not hear this conversation over again in 2019. for example, hannah made a video about her “high end bag” collection, in which she said she got a bcbg bag on sale for like $30 but had never heard of the brand before. she had once been gifted a kate spade bag and her DREAM was to purchase one on her own. she buys coach at the local coach outlet, which is a regional attraction. THIS GIRL IS NOT BOUGIE! THEY ARE JUST MAD THAT SHE OWNS CLOTHES AND IS ALSO FAT! she did a closet tour where she talked about how she has like 50 crop tops, they were ALL like forever 21. they are just mad about fat girl in crop tops. there is nothing to see here! does she have too much shit, and shop too much? sure. welcome to flyover country you dumb bitches. that is what I think about that!

so, she definitely makes money on youtube, but mostly enough to sustain youtube and makeup buying (possibly some savings? unsure. i know she said this in a video but i forget.) she has lived with this boyfriend of hers for a number of years and they are building a life together that doesn’t immediately include marriage, probably largely for financial reasons. i get the sense that his jobs pay a lot of their bills, but he just finished getting a teaching MA of some kind (i think he is a math teacher? i already forgot) and is entering the regular teaching job market. based on some of the following i think his parents might be wealthier than hers but i think they might also be teachers. as you can see in the screenshot above, people are enraged at this girl for apparently being a gold digger for getting a house with him before they are married! 

people are SO pissed that she was “able to buy a house” at age 25, but they did not watch the video! in which she said that they had been dealing with the death of her bf’s step grandpa all year, and the family had decided that they should take over the step grandpa’s house. (step grandpa’s family does sound “richer” because, according to her, this house had been owned by a GREAT grandparent and paid off decades ago.) her descriptions of this house are confusing to me because she keeps referring to it as both “old” and “from the eighties,”; I think it is an actually old house that had not been “updated” since the eighties. seems like the family did not “gift” it to them as much as sign it over to them in exchange for them being the ones to take out the renovation loans, which allegedly she said are $50k. unclear to me if she and her bf got approved for that loan--probably not, I think it was taken out in the family’s name. ($50k is too much to put into a house in rochester imooo but I am reserving my judgment there! rochester has a very flyover housing economy, much like ours, but with a much higher end, I think?)

so anyway, these vultures are sociopaths. “ Who gives someone a house no matter how much they like them? That seems wild to me” ...p-parents? dead grandparents? is your will gonna be like “my kid has to buy their OWN house like i did!” who are these people

YES SOMETIMES YOU STOP NEEDING YOUR HOUSE, WHEN YOU DIE

anyway I’m done. I just thought this thing would be of interest in particular to the upstate new yorkers. the whole condition of the indebted working-middle class is just like inconceivable to people who consume only ideologically pure content by wealthy west coast whites all day long 

[leelem0n]

Flat stomach anon. With the exception of two of the pictures you showed, tbh I think those people are just fat like me. I've seen people IRL with flat stomach even after eating. I've seen pictures of you on your tumblr and your stomach is flat. Also, if it's normal to only have a flat stomach in pictures, then why does everyone on FPH bully people who look literally just like the ones in the pictures you posted? Also, if I got down to 8-12% bf% would my stomach be flat then? (1/2)

(2/2) Including the bellow the belly button part (I’m the anon who asked about that in the pst too). I’m just trying to not get bullied and have a man love me and also trying to not get bullied by FPH type people IRL.

My stomach is flat in those pictures, yes. It’s not that all the time. Honestly, I was so shocked for you to use me as your “See, a 24/7 flat stomach is possible” example. I figured it was implied that I didn’t have that going on for me since if it was totally doable then I’d tell you how it happened. I’m not trying to hide any secret fitness tipz n trix here. 

You sent this a bit ago, and I immediately took pics of my stomach in different poses to prove it…and I sat on those pics. I wasn’t really sure about posting them. But then I realized that it meant something to people like you for me to post. It also meant something for me to put myself out there. 

You see, the pics I post online aren’t fake. They’re not photoshopped at all, and I even stopped using filters a few months ago. They’re not me sucking in or using shapewear or anything, but they are me taking “better” pics because of posing and clothing choice. Simply standing/sitting up straight and choosing to wear clothes over the naval rather than under makes a world of difference. Here’s what I posted on Instagram:

Most “real people” on IG (those that aren’t being sponsored by companies) will post real pictures of ourselves…in good poses. The thing about social media is people post when things are going well (with some exception). In some of my posts, you see that I’ve got on Gucci shoes, a Burberry coat, holding a Burberry bag, or that I’ve gone to travel. What you don’t see are all the everyday purchases I’m making, which are off-brand items. You don’t see the items I put back so I can save up money. You don’t see me choosing the actual destination over the preferred destination since the former was on sale but the latter wasn’t. We post about graduation, but we don’t post about all the tests we did poorly on. We post about new cars we buy, not about the sputtering junk pile that was our first, second, third car. We post when we win some money from a lottery or raffle, not about the countless other times that we failed to win anything and foolishly kept wasting out money; even in the lottery/raffle win, we don’t explain that overall it’s still a loss. We post drinks with friends that are cute and tasty-looking, not the end-of-the-night bottle chugging of the nastiest, cheapest vodka we were able to buy for under 5 USD. 

In other words, you cannot look at people on social media and assume that all these good things they post about makes up the majority of their lives, that their great hair is great 100% of the time, that their sparkly eyes sparkle beautifully 100% of the time. Even for successful people, there are times of failure. And in many cases, that failure shapes the later success. 

I don’t think anyone posts this stuff to lie to others. I don’t post pics of my trips to make it appear that I’m rich and well-traveled. I post pictures of them because I was happy and excited and that’s a rarity in my life. All the pictures I have of my “flat stomach” are a small percentage of all the deleted pictures where I internally yelled at myself for looking so disgusting, for having a “melted candle” for a body. 

I began posting about mental health issues that I suffer from for this reason, too. Someone had messaged me about their depression, then said, “Well, you wouldn’t understand.” I asked what they meant, and they said that I was obviously a happy person who wouldn’t understand depression. What a shock it was for that person to learn that I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation since I was five (and it never went away) and have been diagnosed not only with depression but anxiety and other issues. I wasn’t “hiding” those problems, I just wasn’t talking about them because I didn’t feel like they were worth talking about or that others would be interested. It turns out people are interested and those things need to be discussed. In the same way, I realize now that “imperfect” pics should be posted along with the “acceptable” pictures. 

 As for your reasons to lose weight, you should lose weight because it’s the healthy thing to do for your body. Bullying is shit and should be reported, not bowed to. If someone is bullying you…actual bullying, not just saying some mean things…you need to report it to authorities (whomever they may be). If someone is “just” saying some mean things, don’t deal with them. Additionally, people will say mean shit no matter how much weight you lose. I actually had a guy follow me around online posting repeatedly about how he was disappointed in my laughable body because I wasn’t as muscular as he expected me to be. I’m not even sure what that thought process involved…he had an idea, on his own, that I would be some kind of uber-muscular She-Hulk, and when he saw that I wasn’t, he felt the need to make fun of me. Not just once, not just in one place, but posting across several platforms that I was a disappointment because I didn’t meet his random expectations. When I explained that I used to be larger (which I didn’t post pics of, so I wasn’t misleading anyone) but can’t lift like I used to because I’m disabled and he’s effectively mocking me for being disabled since that’s the only thing holding me back, he proceeded to continue to blame me for his own ideas, and then when I stopped replying he didn’t stop posting. In other words, I lost weight, look objectively better (and some would say “fit”), and even that wasn’t enough to stop random douche bags from being douche bags. People will always find some reason to be a dick to you, that’s just how some people are. You need to find a way to deal with it. Again, actual bullying is different, as that involves threats and blackmail, and it should be reported to authorities. Someone being a dick to you can be reported to their place of work (if applicable) or a forum where the dick behavior occurred (if applicable), but otherwise there’s not much you can do outside of a shift in thinking. 

I can’t answer your question as to why some people on FPH mock people who have flabby-but-not-overweight bodies. I am not one of those people, and I haven’t been on FPH in over two years now (maybe three?); you’ll have to ask them directly. Or, better yet, stop allowing people who have no say in your life and cannot affect it in any way make you feel things about your body and your life. This isn’t a case of, say, racist assholes posting racist things and maybe making racist votes and in that way it may affect you. Their opinion of you from across however long a distance cannot affect you in any way. There is no law against your body type, there can’t be one made. You don’t see these people in real life. Unless you’re interested in changing minds so that the people that they do encounter IRL have a less shitty time interacting with them, there’s simply no reason for you to give any fucks about what they have to say.

In fact, that’s how I was able to post those pics here: I had a shift in thinking. I hate my body so much that nothing anyone says will be worse than what I tell myself on a regular basis…and that’s rather freeing, so I am no longer afraid to post my shitty self.

As for trying to wrangle a man with a new bod, you still need a personality and realistic goals to match. A nice body will open the door for you, but you need to be able to walk through that door with a sound mind and contributions you can make to the relationship. You cannot rely on a good body to score and maintain a relationship. 

I hope this has been helpful.

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 1X20 Dead Man’s Blood

this sounds vaguely like a plot episode, so uh let’s see how this goes

god i can’t believe this is only the second episode I’ve been able to watch this weekend, I am a Failure

So this Mr. Elkins guy looks like he might be a Hunter? maybe?

ooo lady in leather jacket

I don’t care if she’s evil, she’s pretty

Please don’t tell me Mr. Elkins is their “dinner plans”

HER EYES CATCH ON THE LIGHT LIKE A CAT THAT’S SUCH A COOL EFFECT

Ah silver bullets, ok VAMPIRE TIME BABIEEEEEE

Listen, Vampires sexy and I can’t bring myself to watch Vampire Diaries, this is what I got

Dean is trying to get Sam to go back to Sarah ha

DO IT SHE’S BADASSSSS

ok see the fact that Dean just knew he saw the name Elkins in his dad’s journal: how many times has he read that journal?? 

Also the way he just Knew it was a Colorado area code, that’s a cool skill, I want that skill

also I was right, hunter, but yeah he had the journal with the symbols and such, it was kinda obvious

the ~spooky figure~ is watching them

is it john? it’s john isn’t it

I like this “detective work outside the law” vibe, 

with the etching of the scratches and the paper and the blood on the other side? ah yes the Good Shit

oh look it’s John I did not miss him

The “Sam argues with dad while Dean gets quiet” is....I don’t know how to say it, but older siblings tend to do it

it’s familiar is my point

*cinema sins voice* “If you’re reading this I’m dead cliche” DING

yOu wOn’T knOw it’S a VampiRE these motherfuckers wear all leather and their eyes glint when the light catches them, it’s not that hard?

okok lore: thought to be extinct, cross or stake do nothing, real bloodlust and the fangs are more spiky dentures that grow in

I like the fact that the myth gets garbled and no one’s entirely sure what’s going on, that feels very realistic

Dean: vampires...gets funnier every time I hear it 

Boi wait till u meet ur angel bf

oOO John’s comments about ruining the car hit, you can tell, sibling thinks it’s nothing, fucking CHRIST 

I hate John

"treats us like children” flhasofa

“you’re ok with entirely surrendering to dad” “if that’s what it takes” SFDHAPSI DEAN OH MY GOD UR DAD SUCKS

vampire wears a cross as a “fuck you” I think? That’s pretty badass

“wait for Luther the Vampire” great that’s certainly a Name for the vampire king or whatever

The captive girl spit in his face, good for her

I mean she’s probably gonna die but whatever at least she’s got some kind of something

This luther vampire guy looks like an eboy

HE’S GOT THE FUCKING ASIAN TATTOOS TO PROVE IT AHAHAAH

Dean is playing peacekeeper that’s Unfortunate and it SUCKS

the “YOU SAID DON’T COME BACK’ ADSFHASIPFSIP

force feeds her blood with a...lesbian kiss...I feel like as far as humanizing lgbt people this did not do a good job at that

I mean again, super mega hell, it’s not like I’m that surprised

oh yay beheading time 

is John gonna stick around the rest of the season? Noooo

At least he dies

“yes Sir,” DEAN HE’S NOT A SIR STOP THAT

oooo Old Hunter Lore from the 1830s and the pentacle insignia, that’s pretty cool

they’re really just...gonna walk in there....

why the fuck do they sleep in hammocks that’s like the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard

UR VAMPIRES GO GET YOUR COFFINS

And of course, the vampire leader sleeps in a bed, what lore are they even drawing from here

The drinking vampire blood IS something from actual lore, from what I can tell, but it’s like....kinda jumbled? so they’re picking and choosing

although that is how most lore things work

oh god Sam and John 1 on 1 I don’t like this 

Ok so John did plan for college? then what was his Damage

“stopped being your father, became your drill sergeant” YEP YEP THAT’S IT THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PARENT

this sounds like Hargreeves. Or my dad sometimes, depending on his mood

god i hope no one ever sees this

Dean’s really the only one that hasn’t had a love interest die in a horrible way yet has he

Cas get in here

“whatever happened to that college fund” “Spent it on ammo” 

F U C K 

Are...they...using Dean as bait? is that the plan

dead man’s blood? oh that’s a COOL AS SHIT ELEMENT I LIKE THAT

vampires...mate for life? WHAT??

I feel like Sam also wants the family to be together but has no way to handle it like Dean might

poor older sibling syndrome

OHO? DEAN STANDS UP TO HIM?

THE FUCKING VOICE QUIVERS WHEN HE SAYS “all due respect, that’s a bunch of crap...you sent us on these trips yourself....you can’t be that worried about us”

F U C K 

DEAN JUST WANTS HIS FATHER NOT TO DIE?? AFTER EVERYTHING?

JOHN YOU SELFISH PRICK

SIBLING SOLIDARITY YESYES Y E S STAND UP TO YOUR DAD TOGETHER

Ah fuck I’m either tearing up or there’s something stuck in my throat

This fucking vampire with the sideburns what the hell

“boo” Smacks with baseball bat

Have I mentioned how much I love Dean? I don’t think I have yet, I love him

THE EYES GLOWING IS STILL SO GOOD AND CRYPTID-Y

at least the lady is wearing something nice

does the Rage Switch and Bloodlust and Sexiness just fucking happen? what the fuck?

Luther the Vampire has a nice jacket, that’s a nice blue jacket with accents

oh John’s getting pummeled? should i care

ah wait this is gonna hurt the characters I actually care about, I guess I’ll halfheartedly root for him

oh for CHRIST’S SAKE YOU PICK N O W TO START THE “we have as much right as you do to live” Debate when you LITERALLY MADE THEM STRAIGHT UP CORRUPTY VILLAINS AND FRAMED THEM THAT WAY THE ENTIRE TIME? IS THE POINT YOU’RE N O T SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT IT? WHAT THE FUCK

did sam just say sir? and Dean not?? CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT or SOMETHING??!!

ok listen, the “We’ll go together” Sam smile, Dean looking dead/dissociating as they say yes sir? hits DIFFERENT

Ok uh wrap up?

1. Vampire lore was HELLA interesting, with the eyes glowing, dead man’s blood, second set of fangs cool. The “mate for life” thing was WEIRD, and how garbled the myth got was kinda the point so I liked it right up until the end. The one strange thing is the woman acted INSTANTLY evil once she got turned, and then they framed like people trying to live their lives was a bad thing by reinforcing it both with the visuals and the story. So like 10/10 except for the last ten minutes(hell I’ll even take the hammocks, that was kinda funny), which were just...why

actually speaking of lore, the hunter network lore and stuff was also really fun, I liked that. Again, all good except for the ending bit as far as lore

2. John....fuck john....fuck him so much I hate him so much what the hell

3. In all honesty, we haven’t gotten a lot of Dean recently, and getting that again(with that killer performance holy SHIT) is just? Oh my god?? The way they both handle being with their dad in different ways? Dean playing peacekeeper and desperately trying not to rock the boat because the oldest tends to get more shit? the hardcore dissociation at the end????

Listen I’m an older sister, of course I’m gonna project at least a little bit, leave me alone he’s my favorite emotionally stunted character 

I guess we’re coming up on the end of the season, and tbh, the only good part about this is that it means john will die soon. That’s gonna be a Time. ok, till next time wheeeeee

[sorceressrinoa]

watched xenoblade chronicles with @monadont! spent half the time getting incredibly attached to an au! please meet high entia sharla

Nyx 1:45 am Yes please "Sharla you're like 22--" "Hundred years old, Dunban. Give me the alcohol"

Aera 1:46 am PLEASE Nyx 1:46 am JAGIEAJGEA JUST IMAGINING IT WITH HER AS A HIGH ENTIA IS EVEN BETTER Aera 1:46 am ITS REAL GOOD Nyx 1:46 am A 22 YEAR OLD HIGH ENTIA??? Aera 1:46 am oh my god Nyx 1:46 am Ok imagine if she's older than Melia and is like "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE BORN" "WE HAVE A CROWN PRINCESS????" Aera 1:47 am yeah she like got fed up with the high entia's inactivity 150 years ago and left Nyx 1:47 am Oh my god she Adopted Juju as her little brother Aera 1:47 am YEAH Nyx 1:47 am I'M SO Aera 1:47 am she does it a lot, she's a sucker for lil kids and there are plenty of orphans she keeps... outliving them Nyx 1:48 am She has so many sib-- ufkc You Brain: Was she friends with Kallian Me: Excuse Aera 1:48 am Y Yes Nyx 1:48 am LEMME SEE HOW OLD HE IS KALLIAN IS 151 YEARS OLD Aera 1:49 am also in this au is sharla like, instantly aware of melia's Deal or just suspicious-- OHHHHH okay maybe sharla left like 100 years ago then Nyx 1:49 am I want her to be instantly aware and like Shut up bc she doesn't wanna deal with it Melia: You're... a high entia-- Sharla: Yeah I get that a lot -- Nyx 1:59 am God if he If he knew high entia Sharla It would be like, siblings kinda Aera 2:00 am OH YEAH Nyx 2:00 am PLEASE Sharla and Melia don't get along at first and then "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE KALLIAN'S SISTER" Aera 2:00 am he's real happy to see her again ) : Nyx 2:00 am I need it holy fuck Aera 2:01 am melia resents sharla bc she feels like shes holding the knowledge of her secret over her head (she isnt) (shes just Staying Out Of This Shit) Nyx 2:01 am Sharla just hates rich ppl Aera 2:01 am DID SHE NOT KNOW KALLIAN WAS ROYALTY? Nyx 2:01 am SHE PROBABLY DID BUT WAS LIKE "KALLIAN WHAT THE FUCK MAN" Aera 2:01 am "i love One rich person" Nyx 2:01 am Yes Aera 2:03 am did sharla...... know alvis Nyx 2:03 am I... what if she did but only either briefly or not personally Aera 2:04 am yeah they met in passing classmates, Nyx 2:04 am Omg Oh my godddddddd Sharla was gonna work with the royal family then just fuckin left Aera 2:04 am omg baby sharla was Frustrated and like i'm gonna leave and make an actual change in the world sharla, a hundred years later, incredibly jaded: lmao what's up (takes a shot) Nyx 2:05 am Kallian: ) : don't leave me Sharla: Fuck u Kallian: ) : What happened Sharla: Why do you always look like a weepy kitty -- Aera 2:19 am also do you think gadolt is one of the kids high entia sharla raised instead of her bf, im open to either i just had a Feeling Nyx 2:20 am Ohhh Oh my god ohhhhhhhh my god Oh my god I am so much more fuckor'd about that -- Aera 2:36 am god let her fly actually i can... the high entia fly, i haven't seen any of them do it Nyx 2:37 am I don't think the wings can let them fly anymore but damn it can you imagine how ridiculous that would look Aera 2:37 am yeah IT WOULD LOOK SO DUMB I WANT IT Nyx 2:37 am ALKGAGEAOKG MOOD OH AERA IF SHARLA WAS A HIGH ENTIA SHE'D PERCH TOO Aera 2:37 am OHHHHHHHH just starts preening melia's hair idly Nyx 2:37 am Ohhhh oh I need it Aera 2:38 am question do you think high entia have feathers in their hair too Nyx 2:38 am Oh my god please Aera 2:38 am imagine them molting -- Nyx - Today at 3:34 AM Sharla escaping Alcamoth bc fuck high society y'all are bitches for not helping in that battle of Sword Valley and becoming a cynical medic who loves kids and outdrinks all homs -- Nyx - Today at 3:34 AM AND I CAN'T GET OVER Kallian: ): Don't leave Sharla: LITERALLY GO FUCK YOURSELF KALLIAN YOU JUST SIT THERE DOING SHIT Kallian: :weepy: Sharla: No wait Aera - Today at 3:35 AM she said some things she regrets to kallian before she left Nyx - Today at 3:35 AM Ohhhhhhh oh god Took out her anger on him huh Aera - Today at 3:36 AM YEAH Nyx - Today at 3:36 AM God when they meet again it's like Kallian: : D Sharla: Uh. Hey Aera - Today at 3:36 AM omg he's just glad to see she's okay ) : Nyx - Today at 3:37 AM He was worried!!!! And he's even happier when he sees she escorted Melia Aera - Today at 3:37 AM "i see you've met my sister" "you-- your what" Nyx - Today at 3:37 AM Is Sharla still arrested when they enter Alcamoth even tho she's a high entia Aera - Today at 3:37 AM Yeah Nyx - Today at 3:42 AM Do you think high entia Sharla explains her wings in the worst ways possible "Why do you have wings" "Freak accident" "Excuse me" Aera - Today at 3:42 AM what if she doesn't even try Nyx - Today at 3:42 AM "Why do you have wings" "The procedure... was a failure" "What the fuck" Aera - Today at 3:42 AM "why do you have wings" "(just stares at reyn til he goes away)" "why do you have wings" "i don't, this is my hair" Nyx - Today at 3:43 AM "Why do you have wings" "How dare you" Aera - Today at 3:43 AM "it was fashionable in colony 6" Nyx - Today at 3:43 AM Anyone in Colony 6: Literally what the fuck They get to Alcamoth and Sharla's like "They're copying me" Nyx - Today at 3:44 AM Melia: You're... a high entia? Sharla: I am nowhere near as high as I wanna be, sorry Melia: Nyx - Today at 3:44 AM Sharla: My hair is a bird, your argument is invalid -- Nyx - Today at 4:07 AM I also keep thinking of Sharla being a raven?? Aera - Today at 4:07 AM prankster... Nyx - Today at 4:07 AM Holy shit I mean look at her exposing titty to see how far she can go — Aera - Today at 4:27 AM also im still wheezing over "you're a high entia!!" "i get that a lot" Nyx - Today at 4:27 AM Sharla's excuses give me life okay Aera - Today at 4:28 AM she never actually admits to it or denies it Nyx - Today at 4:28 AM Not even when the secret's out Kallian: Yes she is a high entia Sharla: Only on Tuesdays

[wonderwonderhowido]

Year-end meme time! I have been answering these questions once a year without fail since 2006. Maybe one of these years I’ll stop, but not for 2017.

Was 2017 a good year for you?

Yes! In February I decided I wanted to quit my job and go to Brazil for 3 months. I quit my job and moved away from NC in July, left for Brazil in August. I had a short-lived but intense romantic relationship from April-July. We drove across the country together. Brazil was really challenging but overall amazing. With the exception of a couple periods when life was too hectic, I kept up with my yoga habit. I think I made it a full 8 months without skipping a whole week actually? Maybe it was 6 months, I forget now, I just know that it was an important milestone for me at the time because I have never managed to keep up an exercise routine that long before. I spent more time at the ocean and by the pool than I have in most other years of my life. I lost some weight. I stayed relatively on top of my shit (bullet journaling really helped, when I was doing that), and stayed sane. I read a fuck ton of Harry/Draco and BTS fic. I took a lot of chances with people I had only just barely met. It has honestly been a pretty stellar year for me personally, the mounting sense of despair over the external world aside.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

Being in the ocean with kids climbing on top of me, demanding to be tossed into the waves.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

Nothing actually stands out. I had some pretty low moments of crying over certain things in my life, but nothing I can talk about on the online, and besides since none of them were reacting to specific things they all sort of blend together in my memory anyway. I did cry whole buckets while leaving my goodbye party in NC and continued to cry when I got to my ex-BF’s house and then cried myself to sleep, but it feels sort of not right to call that a least favorite moment, just cathartic.

Where were you when 2017 began?

At the same new years’ party I was at when 2014, 2015, and 2016 began. That night was kind of a mixed bag for me, although I did get a new years’ kiss, which I will probably not be getting this year.  

Where will you be when 2017 ends?

One of my oldest friends in SLC is hosting a “polar plunge” at her house, so I’m going to do that. I probably will not be taking any kind of plunge myself but I can provide emotional support to those who shall.

Who will you be with when 2017 ends?

My friend Jennica and her husband. I have no idea who else, I don’t think I know most of their friends these days.  

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2017?

Looking at the half-assed resoluations I made…. Lmao, no I didn’t, but then my goals for the year changed rather drastically in February when I decided to upend everything, and I feel pretty good about how I followed through with all that stuff.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2018?

Have another list of resolution-ish intentions I have, I still would not call this list whole-assed but hey:

-complete a 30 day yoga challenge (I am on day 7 already, actually, so if I keep up with it I'll knock this one out before the end of January)

-don't let more than 4 days go by without going to yoga (other than when I'm traveling)

-don't let more than 2 days go by without writing (other than when I'm traveling)

-write original fiction at least three times a week, even if it's just like, scribbling down 100 words of a writing exercise (again, other than when traveling)

-read at least 25 books

-read at least 20 short stories

What was your relationship status? Did you break up with anyone?

I was in a relationship from roughly April-July, we broke it off before I left for Brazil. I dated other people in there, although no one for as long as I dated him.

How many one-night stands?

I think four? Idk depends on what you consider a one-night stand. And I made out with lots of different people, which was fun.

Did you make any new friends in 2017?

I made a lot of new friends in Brazil! I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with old friends through kpop. I seem to have made some new friends in SLC, which has been really nice.

What was your favorite month of 2017?

Probably September. April really ranks up there, too.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30!!! I think on the day of I went to work, got taken out to lunch by my boyfriend, swam in my apartment’s pool, and started watching Boku No Hero Academia, also with the boyfriend. I had a small party for myself over the weekend, if memory serves. It was really nice, low key and happy, I really enjoyed turning 30 and have been very much enjoying my thirties since. I remember thinking that I was going to feel angsty and panicked about turning this number but that never really hit. It was mostly just good.

How many different places did you travel to in 2017?

Ashland, OR; Wilmington, NC; Charlotte, NC; from Carrboro, NC to SLC, with stops along the way in Birmingham, New Orleans, a town in Texas that I have forgotten the name of; in Brazil: Fortaleza, Taiba, Manaus, Tefe, Mamiraua Reserve, Monte Alegre do Sul, and Sao Paulo.

Did anybody close to you die in 2017?

No.

Did anybody close to you give birth?

Yes, K and E.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?

I missed my NC friends a lot after I moved away. I missed Brazil and my people there.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Other than public figures, no, not really.

What were your favorite movies that you saw in 2017?

Loving Vincent, Thor: Ragnarok and The Last Jedi.

What was your favorite song from 2017?

I have not done a great job of keeping track of which songs I’ve listened to the most this year, but: Silver Spoon/Baepsae by BTS; Nights by Frank Ocean; Soldados by Legiao Urbana; Don’t Take The Money by Bleachers; The Louvre by Lorde; Ultralight Beam by Kanye West; Young by The Chainsmokers.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2017?

Bleachers and MUNA in Charlotte! Also Chance The Rapper.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2017?

I feel like yes but I think I did less getting super drunk than in previous years.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2017?

Not ‘a lot’ but I was not expecting this to be the year that recreational drugs came back into my life. So ‘a lot’ by my usual standards, I guess.

What kept you sane?

Yoga, walking, and journaling. This is a very boring and literal answer, sorry, but it’s true. I’m sorry to be one of Those People but exercise and mindfulness are the reasons I’m able to be off anti-depressants.

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Traveled to a foreign country by myself. Tried cocaine. Wrote fanfiction commissions. Taught english classes. Learned how to samba. Used a bullet journal. Did goat yoga. Interviewed a creator I admired. Went to a club by myself.

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

-August 21, the day of the eclipse and the day I flew to Brazil.

-July 28-29, my last days in NC, the night one of my cats spent in the bathtub of a friend’s apartment, and the days I spent frantically moving out of my apartment.

-The Women’s March. Both because it was one of the very few times this year I felt politically empowered, and because that night I had a really fantastic tinder date with a woman who had also been at the march. This was only a couple days after I’d been dumped by the girl I was seeing, so I felt very spitefully pleased about the timing of it all.

-April 22. At my old job, we opened up a new public preserve, an event everyone in the org had been working to make happen for years. The event itself went extremely well and was super gratifying, and then that night was one of the early and really great dates with the guy I was dating.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting my job in a way I feel good about. Making Brazil happen. Moving out of my apartment. Sticking with yoga. Finishing my otayuri Spy AU. Writing all the fic that people commissioned me for, even though it took me forever and a day. Paying off my credit card post-brazil.

What was your biggest failure?

I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder to write and publish more nonfiction, even though I felt all this momentum in that direction after the McElroy piece I wrote in May. I am also disappointed in myself for losing steam on the novel I started in 2016. There are some conversations I wish I had had with important people in my life, that I always chickend out on having. There are some feelings I wish I had been able to leave behind, but couldn’t.

What was the best thing you bought?

Other than plane tickets, probably my chromebook. It does not feel real at all that I bought that in 2017, though. This year has been five years in one.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier

b) thinner or fatter? thinner

c) richer or poorer? poorer

How did you spend Christmas?

With my family in SLC, like I almost always do. We opened presents, my dad and I went to yoga, I read a lot of kpop fic, in the evening we went to a dinner party at my parents’ friends house and I ate a lot of really good food.

What was the best book you read?

If I manage to finish The Female Man today, I will have read 23 books this year, not counting the 6 Animorphs books I reread and the gazillions of BNHA manga chapters. That’s actually more than I thought I had read, and maybe I should make my books goal for 2018 a larger number, hm.

But anyway I think the best book of those was probably The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler or Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I also loved Swing Time by Zadie Smith but I read that at the beginning of the year so it sort of feels like a lifetime ago.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Well for half of it I’ve been either living out of a backpack or in my pajamas almost 24/7. Also I got rid of most of my wardrobe. So I guess minimal?

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A new Carly Rae Jepsen album!!! And greater financial security, a home in a city I’m happy about living in.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing original fiction and freelance writing. Exercising more discipline in my writing life, in general. Mindfulness exercises when I was upset. Taking photos of people I wanted to remember.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sweet jesus do I wish I had spent less time mindlessly refreshing apps on my phone, particularly twitter. Also pointless angsting about personal relationships. Gone on less Tinder dates that I knew weren’t going anywhere.

What are your plans for 2018?

Going to Japan in May with @corvidyouths and @globsavethequeen!!! And getting a job in New York or LA or DC or, who knows, somewhere else that I haven’t though of yet.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well, I don’t know how much of my year this actually sums up, but these lines have been rattling around my head more than anything else. From Nights by Frank Ocean:

I ain't trying to keep you Can't keep up a conversation Can't nobody reach you Why your eyes well up Did you call me from a seance You are from a past life

[nekongaeshi]

IM SO WORTHLESS AND TOXIC AND UGLY WHY DO PPL SEE ANYTHIGN IN ME WHAT THE HELL??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM NOT GONNA GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE IM NOT GOING TO GET THAT VISUAL COMMUNICATIONS DEGREE FROM UNI. OF TENNESSEE OR ELON UNI. OR RIT BC I WONT BE ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!! IM TOO DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im actually an idiot how did i think i was smart enough to pass my classes oh mhy godddddddddd im gonna live on the streets bc my mom is probably going to kick me out if i dont get into a college like towson (at LEAST!) im honntestly shakingg aboutthtis i hate school sso much

she doesnt even want me skipping 16 minute classes after the psat tomorrow (like 16 minutes is going to help my grade! fuck u i could be studying during those 3 hours!) nd i want to throw up i shouldnt have been eating i shouldve been focusing on getting shit done bc then i started napping for 4 hours bc im so sleep deprived and i havent done any work since before my nap imm sosososoososo worthless LOLOLOLOL

+ one of my cosplay friends texted me asking if they said anythign they shouldnt have to me about someone else and i couldnt remember but like! damn like yall heard it here first: dont trust me about literally anything you talk about hahahahhahahahah im a lil toxic bitch. also why is my name still in his mouth. he called me “just a fan” even though we dated and he treated me like shit! hahahaha its ok tho i deserved what he did to me like damn it should still be happening to me bc im a terrible person and i deserve terrible things!! (if ur readign this u should totally send me anon hate. like. go hard and ill post it and accept it!)

im also like? ugly on the outside too?. take any photo of myself and ill point out everything wrong with it. im an actual failure im Deadass Shit! why am i not dead yet like why cnat i just die and let everyone live their lives without me fuckgin everything up

final thought: how does my bf put up with me like how hasnt he left me yet????????????????????????????????????????????????????? he deserves someone so much better than me what tthe heck

[ace2light]

felt so down..

i wanted to talk to people so badly. by people, i meant those whom i am close with. super close with, esp him. i do have ppl whom are extremely close to me. but i dont dare to approach them due to as follows: 

poon: he is with his friends, he wont have the time to entertain me also, well, there were times i couldnt control myself and texted him, i got a single word ‘ok’, i know where i stand, i backed off. i switched off my phone literally. idw to have more disappointment in my alrdy bad and sad mood. rather than unknowingly text him and anticipate he would at least ask how i am. i rather not meet with such a disappointment. well if he knows that i am really trying my best to cope with my feelings and thoughts, he would auto read this without me telling him. cos if i dont spam him, i go to insta, if i dont go to insta, i come to tumblr. these are the ways i penned down how i feel and what i think when there is no one to talk to me, no one whom i can chat with. 

steph: in gasglow, i dont want her to be burden with my issues. she will know when she returns when we catch up anws. 

chanel and jiawen: we are drifting apart. they are the ppl i joke ard with but no longer the ones whom i find to rant about. as i always hang out with poon, i dw them to feel i treat bf more than i treat my bff. i dont want them ti feel they are spare tyre. 

sheena and sam: i scared i make them feel overwhelm with my issues. plus sheena is no coping well alrdy, idw to add to her problems. 

mum: she no longer is my close listening ears. i nvr tell her many things, in fact, i nvr say much about myself anymore, except rant about dad to her. other than that, nth. idw her to worry about me, esp my studies. i didnt tell her i wasnt coping well in school lately also. she’s too busy dealing with my dad anws. 

dylan: he is a gd friend, but then i am not comfy telling him too many things. 

xx: i lose the position to rant to him. before i got into a relationship, he was always there when i was feeling down. be it normal classes whereby i am feeling sad or stress, he will buy me oreo (altho he say his house got unlimited supplies, so many times, he think i believe meh). he can chat with me for the entire night when i was feeling so lost about some issues in the past. he takes care of me like a little sis. often he is the one who can notice i am sad and try ways to make me happy. i always treated him as my bro. he is like my younger/older bro. because of many reasons, i distant myself from him. i dont want poon to be jelly about xx and me, neither do i want to make xx feel sad, so the best way is to distant from him. 

it has been long since i felt like cutting myself. thankfully that feeling happens when i was on a cab, i have no access to pen knife. if not idk what would happen to myself. honestly, i just wanna just rot in bed tmr, i dont feel like meeting anyone, but cos i promise alrdy, i have to appear.. 

it is getting worst, i overthink. i overthink in my sleep also. idw to. idk how to tell my brain to gimme a break. i really wanna break free from overthinking. i even woke up from a worst case scenario about poon me and my parents. i was awaken by this dream today, it scares me but i didnt share with him. 

what i feel now. towards poon. yes, i am his gf. apart from saying ‘i love u’, he technically did nth thru out the entire day i was down. i understand that he is with his friend. but i am feeling too low to even be considerate about it. at least, talk to me abit? make me feel a bit btr instead of just ‘i love u’? i know u love me and you mean it, but in times of this, too much of such phrases makes me feel i am not impt. i am just a person whom you have to say ‘i love u’ to a few times a day. for so long, i havent felt so lonely on terms of texting. i am a heavy texter to ppl whom i am comfortable in. he is one of them. i always felt a bit sad that when i am awake, he is asleep, why cant fate let him have a normal sleeping time? i really wish he was at least awake to text me when i am on my way to school or in school.. yes, he blame me that i didnt call him up or wake him up, but certain things, it doesnt comes from me, it takes his effort, not just mine. i mean if a person is asleep, what for wake him up for a casual chat esp when the reason is i am bored? this is so unreasonable. 

just ytd issue. btn poon and me. when i started to put in more trust in him, he shakes it again. i trusted him to come meet me with monster also, in fact, i anticipated that, that was the encouragement i told myself, the only reason that keep me awake. the thought of my bf visiting me and delivering a drink i needed so badly that day. end up, he did come (make me feel i am his priority but i was guilty). before that, i was comtrolling my temper not to rage at him. honestly, what does he mean. well if i was in his shoes, it is very simple. come to the gf then meet his friends afterwards. cos he promise the gf to come alrdy, but didnt promise the gf to wait for her after her test. what was promise first should be carried out, what is so hard about it? for me, personally, whoever i made a promise with first, i go with the promise first. unless that person is fking impt to me, which is him, whenever he wants to meet last minute, i have to push some of my plans away just to meet him. i really hope he knows it is hard for me to lie all the time, i dont have so much lies in me to hide from my parents all the time. and in order to make a lie, i have plan ahead, if it is so last minute, i cant think of a perfect reason to lie. but he doesnt get it? he seems to take it for granted that i can meet him any time sometimes, that is what i feel. sometimes, i have to get back home early cos i cnt go home too late. one is my fears of going home alone late at night, second is i cant see shit at night, three my mum is worried for me too. one more thing, shouldnt he pull me into the conversation instead of asking me to try on my own? isnt it easier for him to pull me into a conversation with his friends rather than i awkwardly ask them weird qns? i just hate it when he force me to talk, and if i dont, he would get upset, like srsly, i didnt talk for a reason okay. 

well i do appreciate his efforts, waking up before i go and caring for me. but if he’s gonna ignore me or forget about me when he is with his friends, i rather he dont show me i am his priority. cos it is fking hard to deal with when he isnt there to reply me all the time, reply as in a continuous conversation not a single word of trying to brush me off, yes, it might be a form of acknowledgement of it to me. but then, if i rant to him, do i really need an acknowledgement? hmm, i doubt so. i hate spamming him my feelings my thoughts cos he reads but dont reply me one by one, i hate that. if i tell you my feelings and thoughts fking reply, rants, at least tell me sth instead of a word ‘i reply later cos i chatting or gaming with my friends’ is still btr than a word, but ofc, make sure he replies afterwards lah, if not the words has no meaning. 

it is so hard to not text a person whom you text all the time a day. it is not i didnt wanna text, i am so fking tired and disappoointed at the nonchalant, okay not even nonchalant reply, just a word answer seems like i am disturbing him and brushing me off. i tried to text him, but if i am gonna get a word, what for i continue, sometimes it is not i didnt wanna spam. it’s just i know he wont reply to every single thing, so i am avoiding that disappointment. it takes two hands to clap, he want me to do this, then prove to me, it is worth it. like spamming, you want me to spam, then reply everything lah, i know i say b4 he need not necessarily reply everything but who doesnt want to be replied, if not send for what? 

he always wanted me to text him ‘i want him now’, why would i text a person asleep that? does he knows how much courage it takes for me to ask for things i want?  for almost 10 years, i havent been living for myself, i live for others, i nvr really requested a lot of things. idk how and i fear rejections, imagine mustering tons of courage then got rejected. hell no am i gonna make myself suffer that. best eg, first time i asked him to bring me sth that is extremely out of his way for me, he came but didnt fulfil the things i want. seeing him makes me not angry but the sadness doesnt disappear. 

i am like this now cos i want him to talk to me, even if it is for 2 mins, show that he tries to understand how i feel now. but nah, nope, i had enough of dissapointment today. i aint gonna on my phone until tmr. if he is late for tmr, i am so gonna ignore him for a day. 

as much as i wanna blame him for having fun and forgot about me. but i cnt. 

enough of him.

what cause me so sad and down. it is like i am awake but i aint doing my work. i dont have the energy to do so. i am so tired of everything. 

academic failure. is extremely strong when i failed my CT. 

stress. i m dealing with so many in schools but no one exactly knows what i am going thru. 

home: i have to smile to maintain i am okay feels. one not to let my parents worry and not to anger them. 

friends: i dgaf about them alrdy. i dont have the mood to deal with them. 

him: i am just idk, extremely sad and dissapointed about it, how he acts/ treats me these 2 days, esp today. 

wtv happens next, tonight, i wont gurantee. whether i harm myself or not. i cant be sure. controlling it is so hard. death to me aint scary, what i am scared of is the sadness ppl felt if i harm myself. 

dont blame me to disappear. if he shown more effort, i wouldn't have disappeared due to sadness and disappointment. actually, would he even know i disappear? 

or maybe, i havent been okay, cos i felt neglected by him... apart from my parents, only one more person can me feel so dead when i am alrdy unhappy, which worsen my sadness. 

IF HE HAPPENS TO FIND TILL HERE, I SALUTE HIM COS I DONT EXPECT HIM AT ALL. which implies he knows how to find me when i dissapear.