#and apparently. gave our other friend a panic attack so

[indigodawns]

.

[minkdelovely]

love and power

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chapter four

“take what you want.”

Alastor x Fem!Reader ; MDNI 18+ ; [y/n] used sparingly ; Alias in Hell is Sylvie

tags/warnings: blood, flies, poisoning, mentions of nausea, descriptions of: violence ; cannibalism. ; suffocation ; and murder, kinda angsty?, slow burn eventual: smut

word count: 3.4k

author’s note: just a quick little note here for something i felt the need to clarify. there’s a moment that would have been perfect for alastor’s microphone but i am working under the fact that it’s still broken, which (to me) carries too much significance for his character and i don’t know how to magically fix it for him 🥲 i just realized i haven’t explicitly addressed why it hasn’t been mentioned at all and wanted to explain myself lol

prelude ; chapter one ; chapter two ; chapter three ; chapter four ; chapter five ; chapter six ; chapter seven ; chapter eight ; chapter nine

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Seeing the distress on your face, Angel put a hand on your shoulder and tried to do damage control. “Whoa, babe, it’s okay! It’s probably just a coincidence — forget I said anything, all right? It was a gag!” 

You had been doing so well at keeping Donny from your mind today, but you could feel the panic welling up again. As the blood drained from your face, your mind raced with questions. How did Angel know it was Donny that you had attacked yesterday? How did they know each other — through work? Was someone looking for whoever had been responsible for it? What would happen if they found out it was you?

He peered over you and gave Alastor a nervous look. If you were shrinking against the static you felt building behind you, you didn’t even want to know what his face was looking like right now. But the thought of Angel being in Alastor’s line of fire was worse.

“But that was his name,” you said, giving them each a quick look. “Or at least that’s what I heard his friend call him.”

“Perhaps the elevator isn’t the best place for this,” Alastor said cooly, stepping forward to push the button that re-started your descent. He pivoted to face you and Angel and you felt admonished under his gaze. “Sylvie and I are on our way out, but if you’re free this evening Angel, we can discuss this more in private. I have some questions of my own.”

“It’s a date, Smiles,” Angel cooed, happy to diffuse the tension, and you felt yourself relax when he gave your shoulder a little squeeze. “I knew it was only a matter of time before you’d invite me up to your room.”

Alastor’s smile strained as his gaze wandered from Angel to you, leering. “Who said anything about my room?” 

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The walk into the city had been quiet, the tension from the elevator ride not yet fully gone. You knew Alastor’s good mood from yesterday wouldn’t last forever, but nothing could have prepared you for Angel’s ambush. How were you just supposed to sit with this until tonight? Your mind was still going in circles with questions, but what you really couldn’t let go of was how upset you had gotten at the sound of Donny’s name. Last night you thought you had made some kind of peace with your actions, but apparently you weren’t quite there yet.

It wasn’t so much the murder that bothered you, since you knew he’d eventually recover. Besides, it’s not like it was something you technically hadn’t done before. Though what happened with your grandmother was different; you’d poisoned her for starters. The rest was damage control and you died in the process so… karma. 

It was the rage you displayed that was chilling. You had never lost control like that before, no matter how upset you had been. And even though you had thrown up, you never thought — no. It was still too much to think about and your stomach turned in response, threatening to evacuate what little was in there.

You were so lost in thought it wasn’t until you were nearly standing in it that you realized Alastor had brought you to the alley. He really was such a menace. Donny was nowhere to be seen but the large pool of blood left behind had baked into the concrete. The bag with the liver was there as well, rotting in the afternoon sun.

“Is this the bag you were muttering about earlier?” Alastor asked, leaning over it with his arms crossed behind his back. You had forgotten about letting that slip while you were cleaning, your headache getting the best of you in a moment of weakness. Alastor hadn’t been moved.

He seemed unbothered by the putrid smell that you were actively trying not to gag on. Flies escaped the bag as he inspected it with the tip of his shoe and you grit your teeth in disgust at the sight. Alastor looked over at you when you didn’t respond right away, his neck bent at an unnatural angle to make eye contact. You managed a nod in confirmation, too nauseous to dare open your mouth to answer. Had he really brought you here just to see if you had been lying about it? Or did he just want to see you squirm? Probably both.

You nearly fainted when he reached inside the bag, sending more flies on their way, and held the soggy, rancid parcel in his hand. Enjoying your repulsion, he made a show of inspecting it. The glittering smile on his face one of the more genuine displays you’d witnessed. 

“Such a shame. This would have made a great surprise,” he said as his hand turned over, the liver falling to the ground in a resounding, wet slap. 

Almost instinctually, your hand went to your mouth, drawing out a lighthearted chuckle from Alastor. He wiped off his hand and made his way back to you then, and you trailed slightly behind him down the street. Neither of you noticed the drone.

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Alastor was beginning to feel… impatient.

Considering the ordeal yesterday, he hadn’t expected you to be in the best of moods but you had started the morning off with some promise until Angel Dust appeared in the elevator. His lip twitched at the thought. What a fucking disaster that had turned out to be! The gray cloud hanging over you since then had only seemed to build, despite his effort to snap you out of it by popping into the alley.

Of course that had been mostly, if not solely, for his own pleasure. It was disappointing but not surprising that your victim Donny had been retrieved. Alastor had recognized the name of course, recalling how Valentino was shouting at his phone as he left the dry cleaners. It just had to be one of his little toys that you messed with, didn’t it? Not that you had known, but it was only a matter of time before that garish buffoon would find out about you. And despite it all, the dried blood that nearly reached from wall-to-wall was such a marvelous sight — what a mess you had made! A job well-done indeed, though it had put him in a bind. 

He knew you weren’t going to have the same appreciation for it that he did, and your disgust at his performance with the spoiled liver had been fun enough. He hadn’t been lying when he said it would have made a great surprise. But none of that had done anything to cheer you, and now you weren’t even keeping pace, walking behind him like a kicked dog. Hell, you certainly looked like one, the sullenness on your face threatening to break his own composure by the second. This wouldn’t do, not for the last free afternoon that he had you at his disposal. 

Alastor paused, ignoring how you ran into him and cursed, his attention on a cafe across the street he was fairly certain he had visited before. Perhaps sitting down to chat would help. It was lunchtime, anyway.

“Let’s stop in there,” he said, looking down at you, taking care to point out the cafe. Lord knows your poor soul needed all the direction it could get right now.

“I thought you wanted something from the butcher?” you questioned, eyeing him and the cafe with suspicion. 

The Radio Demon narrowed his eyes, smile tight, his shadow pulling free of him for a moment. If he wasn’t on the verge of being pissed off your question would’ve been funny; a feeble attempt at seeming to know his mind. And as of now, he was not in a laughing mood. Were you really so self-absorbed that you couldn’t tell you were on thin ice? A reset was definitely in order.

“Can’t a fellow change his mind? That rigidity of yours puts such a sour mood on everything! You seem to be full of nasty little habits,” Alastor sneered, pleased to have gotten under your skin as you scowled at him.

He didn’t wait for you as he made his way across the street, knowing you’d follow whether you wanted to or not.

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Being treated to lunch wasn’t something you had ever expected from Alastor. Impossible didn’t even begin to describe this scenario. It was just so… cordial. He always took his meals alone at the hotel, making Rosie the only person you knew he would willingly dine with. And there was no way sitting down to a table with you would equate to that. Rosie was a peer — a friend! You were not and never would be.

That much was evident when he had held the door open for you, clearly forcing his hand. Outwardly, it would have appeared a genteel act but you knew better, even without the self-righteousness on his face as you quietly entered the cafe. What else could you have done but obey? It’s not like you could run away, having already felt the ominous tug on your neck as he walked across the street. 

He had left you at the table to order at the counter, and you watched as the cashier struggled to maintain his composure in Alastor’s presence, seemingly scared to death. It was the first time you had ever seen someone outside of the hotel interact with him, you realized. Alastor was being polite enough, though nothing seemed to reign in his air of superiority. The look in his red eyes told you all you needed to know: he loved having power over others. Whether it came from a place of fear or respect didn’t matter as long as he had the upper hand. This was the demon you belonged to.

When he joined you at the table, you could tell he was in a bit of a better mood. Despite the means to get here, you silently thanked the cashier for cowering. Hopefully he had softened whatever blow Alastor had in store for you. Though the placid look Alastor was giving you made you fidgety. Could be the calm before the storm…

“You’ve been testing my patience,” he finally said, waiting for the boy from the register to leave the table after dropping off two coffees. “But luckily for you, there are more important things I’d like to discuss. I’ve had quite a busy morning, not that you bothered to ask.”

It took all you had not to roll your eyes but you managed to keep a straight face, feeling his temper writhing just under the surface of his calm facade. But you had been with him nearly all morning. Or did his suite magically clean itself? What could possibly have happened in between those few gaps? Especially something you’d want or even know to ask about. And if I’d asked, you wouldn’t have told me, you thought indignantly.

“I’m sorry… the whole thing with Angel just really threw me off,” you said as sincerely as you could. It wasn’t a lie, after all. “And I don’t think going to the alley helped, either,” you added, eyes flitting from him to your coffee. Bold, but also not a lie.

He chuckled into his cup. “I’ll concede to that. I thought it would be funny, but I shouldn’t expect you to share my taste in humor. You’re still so new, and all that. But I worry if you don’t shake that mortal way of thinking you’ll wither, my dear, and that would be a shame. If you’ll allow me, I’d take great pleasure in helping you fix that.”

You were unsure of how to react. Technically, he didn’t need to ask your permission for anything, so was this just the illusion of giving you a choice only to end up as a trap? It felt as if there was always something just out of reach whenever he spoke to you like this, like the fine print in a contract. He was only direct when he was upset, which you’d prefer if you were being honest. Anger you could take — understand, even. But this? You were just spinning your wheels. 

“So, what, I’m not doing the afterlife right, or something?” It had been somewhat of a joke, but the look he gave you was smug.

“That’s precisely what I’m saying. You’ve been dead a few months now, yes? But the moral compass you’re adhering to won’t benefit you here. Take Donny for instance,” he said, eyes brightening as you flinched at the name. “What’s bothering you so much about it? He provoked you, didn’t he? Regale me with your account!”

He made a show of settling in his chair, adjusting his coat and crossing his legs, apparently content to sit for hours if that’s what it took for you to open up. You remembered him asking you to tell him what Donny had done when you were walking back to the hotel yesterday, but wasn’t that just teasing? The expectant look on Alastor’s face begged to differ. 

So you told him.

To your surprise, he sat there and listened as the words spilled from your mouth. Your intent hadn’t been to ramble, but he didn’t seem bothered by it as you took him through the events of yesterday morning. Eventually getting to how you had been so close to making it back in time, only to be cornered and harassed; a sick twist of fate just for wanting to be prepared. He was calm as you told him how Donny had grabbed you and licked the tears off your face, but you could’ve sworn you saw his eye twitch.

“And then I just… lost it, I don’t know,” you sighed, hiding your face in your hands. “I was just so mad! Like who the fuck did he think he was, touching me like that? And my body just reacted before my mind could catch up. But then when it was all over, I…,” you paused and let out a breath, fighting against the turmoil in your stomach from what you were preparing to say next. “I can still feel how my teeth punctured his skin. I can hear the sound it made, even more than the screaming. I didn’t even know I was swallowing it all until…”

You stopped then, the tingling in your throat painful, your coffee long forgotten and cold. He had been there for the rest of it, what more was there to say? Did he really want to know how every sip of liquid or bite of food since then had been nearly-impossible tasks? How you had sobbed in the shower as you watched the blood stream down your legs and into the drain? Or how you barely managed to look yourself in the mirror because it felt like someone else was looking back? Those didn’t seem like details he’d be interested in.

In fact, weren’t they the very things he was inferring your morality had burdened you with? You’d only be making his point for him, and somewhere in your mind you concurred. You didn’t want to be saddled with this misery forever, but the person you always thought you were was slipping away, and you just wanted to cling to whatever pieces you had left. Horror was a welcome pill to swallow. It meant that you hadn’t completely enjoyed what you had done. 

Because part of you had enjoyed it.

You thought of your grandmother again. In life, there had been countless times you made yourself small for the sake of accommodation. No telling how many words had died in your throat because it was easier not to say them. So as you watched her fall out of that godforsaken chair she loved so much, gasping for air that wouldn’t come as she crawled on her hands and knees, you relished it. She had pushed you to your limit and was finally paying the price. Appalling as it was, for the first time in your life you had felt strong. 

Killing Donny hadn’t left you with the same feeling of victory as killing your grandmother had, though. What his intentions for you had been, you’d probably never know, but they definitely weren’t anything good. In that sense you were very glad to have gotten to him first and, to a certain extent, would do it all over again if need be. But none of this was information you felt like confessing to Alastor.

“And here I was, hoping that the cannibals had rubbed off on you,” Alastor mourned, resting his chin in his hand. “So eating him is what’s upset you, not the murder?” You couldn’t ignore the glimmer in his eye or the insinuation behind it.

“You’re generalizing,” you chided, sighing as you crossed your arms. You were feeling very tired now. “But yes, if that answers your question. He’ll heal eventually and he would have hurt me if I hadn’t done what I did.”

“That’s true enough,” he agreed, pushing back from the table to stand. He offered you a hand and you took it, feeling slightly stiff from sitting so long. “I suppose you’re not as hopeless as I thought, but my offer still stands. I think under the right circumstance, you could learn to enjoy it.”

You scoffed. Was he serious? “Was that really what you wanted to talk to me about? I’m not trying to eat people for fun.”

Alastor didn’t answer, but his smile was wicked as he took your arm in his as you left the cafe. You did your best not to imagine what thoughts could be passing in his mind, but felt relief all the same seeing him in a better mood again.

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The two of you had barely entered the lobby when Angel sprang off the couch in the parlor, looking irritated and worn out. “Fucking finally! We need to—”

Alastor couldn’t help but wonder if he was the only creature in this realm that understood the art of subtlety. Hadn’t the debacle in the elevator been enough for one day? Was he doomed forever to salvage any bit of decorum that he could come across? It was truly lamentable.

“Sylvie, why don’t you go prepare my room for the evening? I’d prefer to speak with Angel alone,” Alastor said, removing your arm from his as he turned to face Angel Dust. He could feel his shadow threatening to separate from him, but scaring the boy would be counterproductive. “Shall we head to yours?”

He ignored your huff of frustration at being dismissed, but was grateful you didn’t fight him on it. It’s not a battle you would have won anyway. As soon as he saw that you were in the elevator, Alastor’s shadow enveloped the two of them, re-materializing in Angel’s room.

“Remind me to never let you do that again,” Angel grimaced, rubbing his arms squeamishly. “I feel dirty, and that’s sayin’ a lot.”

Alastor’s patience was threatening to snap, and he didn’t succeed in maintaining a pleasant tone when he spoke. “Why don’t we discuss whatever it was you were about to shout in the lobby? Or was the urgency just an act?”

Angel scoffed. “Hey, fuck you, all right? I was just tryin’ to help, and now I’ve been roped into your bullshit! Val’s been blowin’ up my fuckin’ phone all afternoon — he said a drone caught you and Sylvie in an alley or some shit?”

Alastor’s eyes went black, his pupils switched to dials. Fuck. This was all happening much sooner than Alastor had planned for. He had originally planned to ask Angel what Valentino had known in regard to Donny, hoping to have the upper hand and confront the cretin on his own terms. But now the ball was in Valentino’s court… and he had brought it upon himself. He just had to go back to that fucking alley earlier, didn’t he? Alastor could feel the rage threatening to consume him, but that would have to wait until he had a moment to himself. 

“What does he want?” he managed to ask without venom, antlers growing despite himself.

“I don’t know, but he won’t quit houndin’ me,” Angel huffed, sitting on the edge of his bed. “He wasn’t even pissed off about Donny, he thought it was funny! That piece of shit barely gets work anyway. But now he knows you’re involved and said he wants to meet up you know where. Whatever the fuck that means…” 

Alastor sighed, eyes returning to red, and wiped off his monocle if only to keep his hands busy. He’d hate to strangle Angel Dust by mistake. It would be difficult to explain, and besides, he wasn’t one to shoot the messenger.

“Tell him I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon. I’ll do what I can to ensure he keeps you out of it going forward,” Alastor said in a clipped voice, blood dripping down the corner of his mouth. He disappeared from the room before Angel could respond.

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tag list: @fairyv-ice, @wat4r, @midorichoco, @raynerrold

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for outing my friend's relationship to their family?

I (25f) have a friend (30m). We aren't as close as we used to be, but we still hang out. I want to make it clear as this always comes up, I have NEVER wanted to date him. When I was 16 he had a crush on me, but NEVER asked me out. I always saw him as a brother, he saw me as a sister eventually.

His family loves me, and a few of them still believe me and him will end up together. He has went on to date other people and so have I; currently i am dating a guy (28m) who i think I'll marry. But that isn't here nor there. Me and my friend were hanging out (my bf was on his way but got stuck in traffic, tho it isnt uncommon for me and my friend to hang out without my bf as we have been friends for 10 years and done it prior to my relationship). While we were hanging out my friend dropped the bomb on me.

He has secretly been seeing someone and hadn't told anyone as he wanted to see how it went. I was excited for him! He has told his immediate family who it is, and told his extended family he is seeing someone but not who yet. Again, excited! Until he told me who it was.

It is a girl I babysat. She just turned 18 this week, but apparently they've been dating for 2 months. Her parents were aware (which in hindsight make sense why there were asking me about my friend a lot and why they mentioned her "growing up" and "getting a guy" in the same sentence- also, his and her family have known each other for a few years, meanwhile I've known her family my whole life) and they approved it (I verified later with them, and they gave the ok before she was 18). I felt sick.

I'm not sure what exact order happened next as it was a blur. I believe the order went me saying I thought I would be sick, my friend getting mad and yelling, and then me having a panic attack. However the panic attack could have come before the yelling. I had a panic attack because I have had adults take advantage of me when I was younger, and he knows this, and he knows I do NOT approve of those things at all.

My bf came home and obv was confused and protective of me. My friend got kicked out and I told my bf what happened after I calmed. He was also disgusted. I feel sick remembering when my friend had a crush on me, but he had never made any advances. My friend has always dated his age or women older then him.

This was last week. This past thurs (so four days later) I happened to run into his aunt and cousin at the store. They asked how I felt. I tried at first to just be all "my opinion doesn't matter. Good for him" just to get them out of my hair. They kept asking me. The cousin asked if I knew who it was. I must make it clear that I knew they had no clue who it was. They kept pestering me about it and I told them to drop it, but tjeh didn't. Finally the cousin asked if I had feelings for my friend. I blew up as they had been following me around the store. I told them "I dont give a fuck. I think he's a creep for dating someone still in high school."

Aunt was outraged. At him. Not me. Aunt had zero clue. Cousin was shocked. When I got home his other cousin from his uncle (not the same immediate fam) texted me asking if my friend was dating someone underage was true or not. I said she just turned 18 and left it at that.

I ignored it and was going to have a nice dinner with my bf when my phone blew up with calls and texts from my friend. I got called a bitch, a liar, etc. He was irate that I stole this and told his family. He claimed that I should have known better because I was outed as bi and how thst hurt me and he comforted me, I was hurting him the same. I told him it wasn't the same. He called me a ton of other names. My bf blocked him on my phone. I then got a text from the girl and she said "Aunt (she called me aunt because I babysat so often) I am super sad you did this. We won't be able to enjoy our relationship. You have hurt me personally".

That is where I wonder if I am the ahole. Apparently the extended family is pissed. I am pissed. But I have a pit in my stomach wondering if I did the right thing or not, because this girl MY NIECE (not by blood) is distraught. So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[cloudninetonine]

A Player's Aid: Chapter 13

Fandom: Legend of Zelda, Linked Universe

A/N: I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME MORAL SUPPORT ON OUR GROUP CALL AND A SPECIAL THANKS TO MY EDITORS, FANGS AND SHY, ALSO FOR LISTENING TO ME REREAD IT ALL Y'ALL GREAT

Warnings: Bad language, mentions of violence, mentions of blood, threatening language, descriptions of sick/vomit/throw up, disturbing imagery descriptions and descriptions of panic/anxiety attack, also slight implications of suicidal tendencies

The weight of the world felt heavy on your shoulders in this castle of darkness and silence. Your body weak, shaking under the pressure of any regret that ever did cross your mind as you sat there, curled into the tightest ball with a tear soaked face and fear blanketing your eyes.

It was true, what they said. Near death, your life would flash before your very eyes, letting you relive every last waking moment in a solemn look that only grew more agonising by the second. Your mother? Stranded. Alone. Never to be seen again. Your friends? Abandoned. Clueless. Left wondering what  happened to your being. Would you ever return to your home? Would Hyrule be your resting place? Whether from old age or the consequences of a risky move, resulting in a bloody pool beneath your cooling body-

How did you get here? When did you get here? Where were you? Was this real? Were you real? The suspense almost choked you, hands shaking with repressed emotion, clutching tightly to your cloak that hung from your shoulders. Home. You wanted home. You wanted your home. You wanted, wanted, wanted, wanted-

“(Name),” Wild called again, his hand coming to join yours balled tightly around the fabric of your mantle, “Please, I know you are scared but you must pull through.”

The Champion sounded so close yet so far. A mixture of nonsense and sense as your brain continued to stay muddled in the lone castle hallway.

Not a skulltula stalked the corners, nor did the Shadow’s darkness lurk, dragging against the walls and floor as it searched desperately for your petrified figure. Was he still reeling from your defiance? Had he simply taken the wrong turn at some point while desperately scrambling after you? Why wasn’t he here? Was he waiting? Watching?

A whimper broke past your lips.

Wild glanced around nervously.

What to do? What to do? The Wild Hero knew of your pain but yet didn’t know how to heal it. Time was ticking, he knew that danger was on the prowl and with only a lone holder of courage, the blonde knew that it would be a dangerous brawl indeed-

But then he remembered.

Wild remembered back, all those many moon cycles ago, when the Shadow had struck down the ranch-hand. Rivers of blood bloomed from the slash of the Iron Knuckle’s blow, spouting maroon sullying the area around Wolfie as he collapsed back onto the earth below, unmoving and quiet as time seemed to pause as all eyes fell onto him. He remembered the rage, he remembered the fear and the shouting and the pleas and he remembered it.

Standing. Watching. Waiting.

From anger sprouted seething hatred as he stared. It felt mocking, despite the apparent leaking wound under its bulking armour. Mocking of the hero before it, triumphant over its victory- Twilight had gotten cocky in his incessant hunt and now he had experienced its true power. 

Wild had snapped then, watching his friend bleed out between the bodies of his brothers protecting him even unknowingly. His newly forged sword drawn at the ready with his hand itching towards his slate as he bolted towards it. The hero did not care of its destructive power, he did not care of the consequences of his rage; others yelled around him but he would not yield, not even for them.

And he did what he did best- he swung.

The Chains of Stasis keeping it still, he hurled hit after hit of his blade. Every emotion that burned in the rivers of his veins poured into the strength of each and every blow. The dents in the armour only fed into his bloodlust, gripping his heart, almost choking but he kept at it, kept beating until the dinging finally stopped and his sword snapped from the strain, the armoured giant bubbling from the tension before exploding into a barrage of scrap, liquid darkness pooling around the remains.

The first attempt to break them. Put the fear into them all as Twilight had laid in that inn bed. The Shadow had tried to pull them apart from the seams, digging its  sharpened claws into the fabric to rip what held them together- their brotherhood, their bond. If one was to fall, what would become of the rest? Chaos would ensue and chaos did take  its toll, fights and venomous words breaking out between them.

But…but Twilight had made it. Miraculous and a miracle, the man of muscle had returned to his brothers with only regrets of secrecy to his name.

Wild would not let this happen again. He would not let the Shadow grin that mocking smirk as you laid cold on the floor below, blood pooling beneath you.

“(Name), I’m going to lift you, okay?” Words soft, the Wild Hero stroked your hands, testing his touch. “Don’t panic.”

When you didn’t respond negatively he moved his palms downward, slipping one under your knees and tightening another around your back, pushing his weight onto one leg to haul himself to his feet. It wasn’t ideal, not being able to fight, but this was all he could do while you were still stunned.

Bouncing you a little, he readjusted you in his arms and made quick work of returning to his brothers.

----------

Despite the Ache’s deceit and malicious intentions- it had not lied.

The skulltula herd had been quite the fight. The dodging of pincers while slashing their swords, snapping jaws with saliva dripping an ungodessly sight until the very end, Sky plunging the Master Sword straight into the archnid’s softened belly with monster blood spraying. The hero’s eyes were dark then, watching the creature writhe and squeal in pain until the very end, the dark purple ‘poof!’ of monster magic fading along with any remnants of the beast.

“We must still check the castle’s library- whether or not another hoard awaits us.”

They had to find those hostages.

And they did.

Builders, guards, mere travellers and others from the settlement were held up in the confines of the library- singing praises of the heroes appearance, handshakes and hugs of desperation shared all around as they cheered. 

“Our rations grew smaller, we were unsure if we would ever make it out alive!” Cried the head guard, Cillian was his name. “Thank you, good sirs, thank you so!”

“What led you into this mess?” The smithy had asked, “What happened?”

A builder’s moustache shook along with his wobbling lip, tears cornering his eyes. “Great big beasts with too many legs and eyes chased us! Attacked those who were unprepared! The library was the only place restored enough to keep back all of them!”

His friends comforted him as he wailed.

Cillian turned back to the heroes.

“Tell me, heroes- do these monsters still stalk those halls?” Cillain seemed almost afraid of his own words, let alone the answer. “Are we still in danger?”

The ranch-hand stepped forward. “We are all far from perfect safety but the hallways are no longer overgrown with webs or these creatures. We will escort you out, but any fighters who can still draw their sword should stay prepared to brawl.”

Hylians cried out in despair but the more battle prone called for their clarity- now wasn’t the time, they needed to escape.

The heroes did not forget of their other current affairs. Hyrule’s hand shaking around the hilt of his sword as he looked forward, dead eyed at the thoughts running through his mind.

Had the Wild Hero found you yet? Or did he still sprint through those halls? Once Twilight had tossed him with his shield, his bare strength throwing the smaller blonde over the crowd of monsters and a little further down the hallway, Wild had raced away. The skulltula couldn’t even keep up, left in the dust of the Hylian heroes brown polished boots. It was no surprise of course, the man had one goal on his mind and that was finding you- he had no time.

Were you okay? Were you dead? Hyrule’s pupils shook in boiling anger and fear. What if Wild hadn’t made it in time? What if he had just stepped into the scene to see the Shadow’s hands tear wildly at your skin, blood staining his claws as he tore out your own heart?

What-

A scream.

A scream so vile and horrid echoed through the stones, bouncing through the hallways and catching the ears of the masses. Others also screamed, horrified. Many covered their own ears and others ducked when the walls shook from this shriek’s power, dust  crumbling from newly built structures and books falling off their shelves as the shockwaves hit until finally relaxing.

The heroes all shared a look.

Warriors wasn’t fast enough to grab Hyrule’s tunic before he was scrambling.

“Traveller!”

The eldest had roared, worried but also frustrated, but it was too late. Hyrule had leapt three steps each of the staircase and bolted right back the way they had come, the others in a state of shock before the Captain had begun to chase after him.

“I’ll make sure he won’t kill himself!” 

And they, too, were gone.

Six remained.

Twilight’s hands twitched, glancing over to Time who could see the confliction in his eyes. Holding back for him.

He sighed, “Go.”

And now there were Five.

“We will escort you all, come.”

----------

Navigating the new paths of the castle was a little harder than Wild expected. It had been so long since he had trekked these halls, crumbling and blotched with Ganon’s malice as monsters of all kinds chased him. Bad memories, ones he would much prefer to forget, nevermind what this grand palace would have looked like before the chaos of the Calamity. Zelda hadn’t come to see the rebuilding yet either, despite the idea being raised, similar tainted dreams associated with her old home. It was why she stayed with him back in Hateno, making plans and working towards a goal in the confines of brick instead of the towering stone.

Anywho, Hyrule Castle was renewed and with renewal came new things- these were new hallways. Winding and detailed, new rooms had been carved from the remains of old- the webbing of the skulltula only added to the confusion, everything looking the same.

Damned beasts.

Sneaking by another one of those eight legged monstrosities, Wild dipped out of the room quietly and sped his walk to a silent jog, your arms tightening around him. More lucid now, you clung to the man in fear.

“Is he looking for us?” Your voice was a whisper, soft against his ear and making it twitch. “Or did he give up?”

He hated to quash that small spark of hope that dwindled. “I highly doubt it, not when it’s just the two of us.”

Your terrified whimper broke his heart. “He knows I’m the guide- he thinks I have some sort of magical power.”

It made sense, why else would he drag you here-

“He said he wanted it, he said he was going to tear out my heart-”

“Hey, hey, shhhh, shhhh.” The hero held you close, ducking into a corner away from prying eyes as you silently wept into his shoulder. “I won’t let that happen, do you hear me? He won’t touch a hair on your head.”

You’d cried like this only once before. Terrified, choked out, the hero could remember the weight on his chest and the feeling of fingers gently combing through his hair despite the lack of physical appearance with him. Wild could see the shading trees, leaves blowing in the wind as he laid in a pool of his own blood near the dead centre of Giant’s Forest- the Hinox remains laid just a little ways away.

“Please, Link, please you can’t die-” You choked, his heart hurting at the whimper. “You can’t leave me here alone-”

Wild hadn’t been gifted with Mipha’s grace yet. Too busy challenging himself to do more, beat more, he needed to be perfect when the time came to defeat the evil lurking within the cogs of the Divine Beasts. Better yet the malicious monster that resided in Hyrule Castle.

Yet there he laid, chilling and still in the once luscious green grass.

You had saved him somehow of course you had, someone just as amazing and brilliant as his guide would be the one to pull him from the brink of death. He would later wake from his unconscious slumber, laying somewhere different but bandaged and semi-functioning while you sobbed in relief. You never told him what you did, but he trusted you enough to never ask- after all, he always woke up alive, didn’t he?

Alive and remembering your shaking voice as you pleaded with him not to fall victim to his injuries.

Wild hated your frightened tears but at least this time he could do something about it.

Looking at him, broken and afraid, he moved his hand to gently brush away the wetness cornering your eyes. “I’m here for you, (Name).”

You searched his gaze for hesitation but found only sincerity.

“Do you think you can stand?”

“Y..yeah…”

The blonde helped you to your feet gently, his arm careful around you until finally you could stand on your own shaky legs, fighting back the mental exhaustion of it all. The hero pulled his sword from his sheath with his free hand coming to grab your own before tugging you to follow after him quickly, eyes scanning the area then quietly jogging towards another corner.

Another body slammed right into the both of you.

Winded, you could only manage a yelp, falling back along with the wild hero who portrayed a wide eyed protective rage only to gape at the familiar sight of shaggy brown hair and eyes of emerald green with dusted brown as you all crashed down to the floor below, the other form jumping back in surprise.

Hyrule’s sigh of relief held what could have been mistaken for his soul returning to his form.

“(Name).”

“Rulie-” You were tackled, body almost constricted by his tight hug. “Hyrule- Link-”

“I’m sorry.” He rushed out, his face settled in your hair. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry we couldn’t stop it-”

“‘S’okay-” You sniffled but Hyrule’s shaking breath stopped you.

“It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“...I lost your dagger, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be silly, you’re more important than a measly blade.” You felt a tear drop into your hair, “So much more important.”

Your own hand came to gently brush his hair, brown curls engulfing your fingers as you worked to relax the tension out of his body. Your other hand still grasped Wild’s, squeezing gently at the digits to remind him that you hadn’t forgotten his presence, far from it. The reassurance was met with a grateful squeeze back.

“Come, we must go.” Once again you stood, the three of you a tight knit with the heroes still brandishing glinting swords. “Who knows where the Shadow could be-”

“There you are!” Hyrule flinched, turning back the way he came to see Warriors and Twilight jog down the hallway, only stopping once they had finally gotten closer- none looked please. “Traveller we’ll talk later about your selective hearing- Champion, (Name), are you alright?”

The Captain looked relieved but with an air of professionalism around him, standing tall with both his sword and shield pulled at the ready for combat. Twilight wasn’t quite sitting in the same boat- the anxiety blooming into relief at the sight of you but more so Wild, muttering a soft ‘thank the goddess’ under his breath before stalking closer to slap him upside the head.

“No more idiocy.”

Wild’s face showed understanding but his eyes sung a different chorus. “You and I have different definitions of what counts as idiotic.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“As I said, later,” Warriors insisted, turning back, “I saw an exit not much further back, we can meet the others outside and discuss any previous misgivings when we are whole-”

“There you are.”

Ice.

An icy chill filled the air around you as your stomach dropped right into a pit of despair, the hairs on the back of your neck standing with electrifying effort accompanied by the feeling of dread dragging a sharpened claw right up your spine.

You turned slowly in comparison to the heroes' snapping spins, swords and shields at the ready while staring with eyes of venom at the seeping shadows that curled round the corner of a following hallway at this crossroads of sorts. Darkness lurked, light from the hanging torches blown away by a haunting whispering wind as a murky blackness finally came into view with eyes of red and a mouth pulled to show rows of too many teeth.

How Nintendo had reduced Dink to something so puny was beyond you- he was fucking horrifying.

“Ah, and the heroes of Courage too- what a delight.” Too many voices, couldn’t he just choose one? You covered your ears like a frightened child. “Have you come to see the execution?”

“Shut your mouth, evil scum.” Hyrule hissed, “The only execution we’ll be witnessing is yours when I behead you-”

“Oh do quieten down, Hero of Hyrule, your words aren’t as impressive as you think.” Hyrule huffed in anger and the Shadow cackled, “Awh, have I upset you fairy boy?” 

A phantom red sword flew through the air and Dink dodged with only another laugh, rolling with the darkness beneath his form.

“Oh, almost- better luck- hm? Never.”

From behind you, you felt a shift. Just the tiniest bit of movement but still it had you glancing back quizzically to Twilight, his form stiff and slightly…shaking as panicked eyes stayed focused on the monster in front of you all. You weren’t the only one to notice, however, Wild glancing back in slight concern with Warriors stepping closer to his brother in spirit.

Dink noticed too.

And he smiled wider.

“Hero of Twilight.” He cooed, words dripping honey that hissed and bubbled with underlying poison. “Awh, what’s wrong- seems as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

Twilight’s sword shook in a sweating grip. “Shut your mouth-”

“Or maybe you’re just…” The shadows shifted for a moment and you swore you saw the glinting metal of an Iron Knuckle’s helmet staring right back at you. “...scared.”

Twilight’s ears folded back along with his steps, skin paling.

Warriors looked pissed. “Ranch-hand, do not-”

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten you too, captain.”

Once again, Dink changed, yet this time a younger version of the Captain stared back. 

Warrior’s tensed.

No. No you wouldn’t let this happen. No matter your own heart crushing fear you were not about to let this bastard do this to them. Dink could scare you as much as he wanted, threaten you and nearly end your life but you drew the line at the others, you would not let him scare these heroes just like he scared you.

Fucking bastard, using the weakness of others against them.

“I’ll fucking show you…” A muttered growl did not catch his attention, nor did your movement as you leaned down to grab the convenient crumbled brick just a little ways away then stand once again.

You did this lightning fast, not allowing even a moment of hesitation from you or consideration from them as you ditched the slab right at his face.

Surprised chokes left all of them as Dink yelped in pain then cursed, that same demonic growling from earlier leaving him. Despite his body merged in the darkness you could see the blood curl around his fingers as his hands desperately tried to cover the damaged eye that still glared molten scorn right at your figure.

“You litTLE BRAT!” You flinched at the rage but tightened your resolve, standing just before Warriors and Twilight so he would focus on you. “When I get my hands on you again I’ll tear you limb from limb-”

“I don’t think you can.” You were talking nonsense but you didn’t care. “I think you’re too fucking stupid to- I mean I got away once already, whose to say I can’t just do it again?”

You just loved tempting fate, didn’t you? Tempting her and the devil that she tangoed with as Dink’s pupils shrunk in a frenzied rage while his shadows whipped around him angrily, searching for something to break- something to destroy. Hyrule and Wild stepped a little closer together, acting as a shield in case those tendrils of shade got too close.

“Watch your tongue before I cut it out-”

This time the phantom sword struck and it struck hard, impaling right into the Shadow’s shoulder with a gorey ‘schlink’ that pinned him to the wall behind him. The monster shrieked, gargling in pain with volumes that raised and dropped, tones that lightened and deepened while his hand, holding his bleeding eye moved instead to grasp at his punctured shoulder. 

There wasn’t much else of the scene to watch when you were thrown over someone’s shoulder and rushed away from it all. You tried turning to count heads and see who had grabbed you so quickly but when the sound of rushing footsteps caught your attention. You stared back at Dink who had sunken into the shadows that chased after you all, the light from the torches vanishing as the darkness caved in on the corridor and filled it with nothing but pitch black.

You could only see his eyes.

Haunting, raging eyes as they chased the five of you, stealing the solace of the light to take over with his gloom.

You were hypnotised by the morbid spectacle.

It was fast.

Really fast.

A quick turn almost gave you whiplash but you still watched him run, dementated as he slammed into the wall before shaking off his daze and crawling like a demon against the floor. Still no body, only shadow as you got closer and closer to a large brightness that hung behind you.

“Almost there!”

“Is it still chasing us!?”

“Dear Hylia in heaven-”

You felt its hatred. You felt its  wrath. You felt its bloodlust and you felt your own fear crawling back down your spine. You imagined those scenes in horror movies, the eldritch abomination scrambling over itself as it frantically chased the poor victim through those darkened scenes- this is what it felt like. This was the dread those innocent people experienced. 

You watched helplessly as claws reached out to grab you, infernal cursing catching your ears as its hand loosely missed your saviour’s shirt-

Light almost blinded you as you entered the outside world. The sun glaring down on your small group as they skidded to a stop just before falling right off a collapsing cliff side.

They turned instantly, swords still pulled and ready to fight, your body falling off the shoulder of Hyrule who looked murderous as he kept his sword pointed towards Dink.

The Shadow’s darkness took up the whole of the doorway, twitching and humming with a putrid magic as Dink just stood there. Watching you all with crimson eyes, with black ooze still dripping from one of his sockets along with the hole in his shoulder, he did nothing. Made no move, made no sound, the only thing he did was stare- right at you, centre of the group, burning and hate filled.

You didn’t understand why he didn’t move closer after all he did not burn in the sun. However, maybe the light still had an affect, the monster was a shadow after all and the two did not mix well- maybe this applied to Dink also?

Maybe four was too big of a crowd in the shine of the afternoon sun.

“Well!? What are you waiting for?!” Wild hissed, walking forward only to be grabbed by Twilight. “Fight us, monster!”

Dink’s glare moved to Wild, still just as sinister and vile before he turned back to the darkness and left you at that, standing there and viewing the ordeal with a growing confusion.

Was that…really it?

“Why did it just-”

“Doesn’t matter.” A soberness washed over Warriors, his eyebrows pinching. “If we are to fight him we need the Master Sword, let us return to the group-”

Hyrule’s face was plastered in disbelief. “And just leave that thing there!? It could get away-”

“What would you have us do, traveller!?” The captain looked frazzled, hair messy and eyes wild in contrast to his usual pristine presentation- Dink’s little trick must have gotten to him worse than you had expected. “The Shadow does not die by natural steel, the sword is our only hope!”

Wild looked just as desperate as Hyrule, spinning in Twilight’s grip “So we just leave the beast!? No, if one of us were to return to the others and bring them here-”

“If the beast is still watching us it would be sure to attack if we were alone.” Twilight tightened his hand, a reflex with the champion. “We return to the others whole and discuss a plan.”

“We need to attack while we still have him here!”

An argument bloomed with the men, voices raising along with hands waving but it slowly muffled out the longer that you stood there, eyes still focused on that shaded hallway of trickery and pain.

You had almost died.

The words echoed around your head like a siren in the foggy night, screeching, painful, and anxiety inducing as it clawed at the inner walls of your mind. Scratched in by bloodied fingers of a madman, his fingertips soaked with crimson as he muttered the words like a cruel mantra.

“Dead. Death,” He sung, with a jolly preen, his eyes bloodshot with a lust for pain. “Dying. Suffering. Murdered. Brutalised. Slain. Killed.”

Your breaths became pants. Your pants became chokes. Your chokes became hyperventilating as tears streamed down your face. Clutching desperately at your chest, you frantically heaved for air as your knees buckled beneath you and you fell to the earth below. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t speak, only cry and shake as you tried forcing sound to leave you. A whimper. A moan. A word. Hell, a laugh. Yet nothing seemed to break free.

Digging your nails into the position where your  heart pounded, you twisted your hand in a motion, attempting to tear it out. It didn’t work, it wasn’t doing its damn job- better it laid in the dirt with the insects than inside you if it would only serve to be damaged goods.

Nonetheless, you finally managed something. Moments of struggling dragged into hours of torture finally minimalised when you sucked in a massive portion of air, body arching from the pain as you forced it into your lungs.

And you screamed.

Ears ringing as it progressed from a small yell to a blood-curdling wail, voice refusing to break as you tore your throat to let out everything you had bottled down in that last horrible hour.

It had only been an hour.

Your head slammed against the dirt, body curling into itself as you felt your throat grow raw from the excessive shriek. A violent reaction, a bubble ran up your throat and you gagged, pushing yourself higher and hurling your digested breakfast all over the ground, scrunching your watering eyes shut in an effort to avoid the scene of acid and chunks sullying the earth.

Hands reached you, your name being called but it didn’t stop the repeat of gags and sobs.

Your body finally gave out.

[artists-ally]

{Train Wreck} Azriel x Cassian!Sister {Pt. 2}

Why hello there my loves!!! There was so much positive response for that first part???? I cannot believe people genuinely enjoy my writing so much it makes me feel so appreciated! Anyway, here is part two! Enjoy!! Also, I promise other parts won't be this long, I got a little carried away 😅

Part 1

Word Count: 16,171 (totally should've made this two parts but... oh well)

Warnings: Modern AU, OFC, language, hurt/comfort, angst, arrest, drinking, gambling, mentions of trauma, trauma responses, panic attacks

Summary: As Ira gets settled in, there is a constant set of eyes on her from Cassian. He offers Ira a chance to make a good impression, but is bringing his train wreck of a sister to his annual charity event a good idea?

Tagging: @blessthepizzaman @cyrygher @librafairy @needylilgal022 @thelov3lybookworm @bubybubsters

~~~~~~

It has only been two days and I already want to push Cassian off a bridge. 

His rules are in-fucking-sane. He won’t let me outside before eight, and wants me to be back by ten. There is no going outside unless I clear it with him first, tell him when I get wherever I’m going, and when I get back. I mean, how ridiculous can he get? 

Apparently even more. 

“And I will need you to sign this.”

Cassian slid a piece of paper across from me. In addition to the other one he gave me of the drafted fucking mandate. “Is this some kind of a joke?” It was an NDA.

“We–meaning Rhys, Az, and myself– have a very strict confidentiality agreement. Not only with ourselves but with our investors, lawyers, and employees. Since you are going to be living with me for the foreseeable future, you need to be a part of that. We are going to discuss business operations when you are around and you are not allowed to repeat them to anyone. Under any circumstances.”

“And who exactly am I going to be repeating all of these things to?”

Cassian shrugs, “I don’t know, and I really don’t care. You’re gonna make new friends, Ira. And we aren’t exactly a small town rodeo here, so people will know who we are and will want to know shit. So, sign here, and then you are free to go.”

“I’m hardly free, I feel like I’m back in juvy,” I whispered that last part for only me to hear, flicking the pen across the paper. “Happy?”

“Sure, I’m happy,” he rolled his eyes. “Oh, and before I forget, you’re coming out with us tonight.”

My ears perked up at that. Cass got up and I scurried after him, the dining room chair scratching on the floor. “Really? When? And for what?”

“Every year we have a fundraiser for our community,” Cassian explains as I quicken my pace to keep up with him. Fuck him and his long ass legs. “All the money we make from the auction, poker tournament, and bingo night are collected and donated to the city.”

“Bingo, really?”

“We have to appease the older crowd somehow,” Cassian shrugged, heading down a long hallway in his house. It was a lot more compact than Rhys and Feyre’s home, but equally as flamboyant. It was smooshed in a line of townhouses somewhere in the city. Cassian opened a door to a guest bedroom and led me to a closet. “Here are some of Nesta’s old dresses. A couple of Feyre’s too, and some of Mor’s.”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but I am not built like they are, Cass. What the hell am I supposed to do with those?”

“Figure it out,” he gave me an unamused smile. “You’re crafty, I’m sure you can make something work.”

He left me in the closet and I looked around. It has been years since I’ve worn anything other than jeans and a t-shirt, let alone a dress. The closest thing was the skirt I had borrowed from Mor a few days ago. 

As I rummaged through, I slowly began to realize that none of these were going to fit. I was going to have to figure something out because who knew when the next time I could go out would be. And I was not going to miss this.

There were a couple of options, and when I tried them on, either the zipper in the back wouldn’t move or the sleeves wouldn’t fit over my shoulders. Sometimes the bust was too tight, but the waist was fine, or the other way around. I ripped more than a few on accident. My best bet was to find two similar colors and try and piece them together. 

I snatched two black dresses and went back to my room. I looked at the pair of scissors on my desk and at the dresses. I hoped no one would need these one day. 

My cuts were average and jagged, but I had plans to pin them together with some safety pins I found in a drawer. I cut off the skirt of one of them and made a slit to the hip. When I shimmied it on, I rolled over the hem and pinned it in place, making it as even as I could. The top would be… tricky. 

I didn’t have a choice but to cut off the sleeves and make it completely strapless. And I had to cut a V in it so my boobs would fit. Normally I loved them, but right now they were my mortal fucking enemy– besides the law of course. It was tight across my ribs, but at least I could breathe. There was some good boning in the bodice so at least I wouldn’t flash anyone.

Not that I would mind, I needed some action. To blow off some steam since being reinstated with Cassian. 

And there was little I could do to keep my thoughts away from Azriel. About blowing off some of my steam with him. And blowing him in general.

Fuck was he hot. I mean, it seemed impossible to have such an attractive group of people all in one spot, and then there was me. I wouldn’t ever say that I was ugly, but Mor and the others? Devastatingly gorgeous.

But that’s besides the point. Azriel has been around, but really never around. He’s here in the morning when I wake up, but never comes back until late at night. Which leaves me with little to no time to admire him. I can hear him come in since his room is right next to mine, but he never acknowledges me. 

Probably for the better. Or worse, I haven't decided yet.

Azriel was secluded, I could gather that much. And from what Cassian told me he was– or had been– struggling through something. But what did that have to do with me? It wasn’t like I wanted to marry the guy, I just wanted him to rail me and then I’d be good. What's so harmful about that?

But don’t even get me started on the way he acts whenever he is around me. He’s kind of a prick, always making fun of the way I’m dressed or the way I wear my hair. Always has some rude remark that makes me want to punch that perfect face of his. And kiss it. 

There is definitely something seriously wrong with me and my delusional thinking but I refuse to acknowledge it because it is the only coping mechanism I have developed that doesn’t involve me in handcuffs.

Now, if Azriel wanted to put me in handcuffs then-

“Ira?” Mor called from somewhere. “Where are you?”

“My room,” I mumbled around the roll of body tape in my mouth as I tried to lay the fabric over my bits to cover me up. “God fucking dammit.”

“Uh oh, Nesta isn’t going to be happy when she sees you mangled her engagement dress.”

“Her what?” Oh no, no no no Cassian is going to end me.

Mor burst out laughing and leaned up against the wall. “I’m just fucking with you. It was one of my old college sorority dresses. It’s no big deal, I didn’t even know I had that one still.”

“Oh, well… sorry. I wouldn’t have needed to if Cassian just took me somewhere to buy a dress,” I apologized, turning in the mirror. “What do you think?” “Cassian is going to hate it,” she smirked, looking over my shoulder. 

“Perfect,” a grin of my own spreading. “Please tell me there is going to be alcohol at this event?”

“There always is, but whether or not you can have any isn’t up to me,” Mor put up her palms and sat down on the vanity stool. “I think it’s a bit ridiculous, what Cass is doing.” “Thank you,” I sighed out, taping the last bit into place and stretching to make sure it wouldn’t come loose. “Not that we know each other super well, but there are reasons why he should do it. Part of me knows he’s just doing it to keep me safe, but I also know its payback from years ago.” “Can I ask about you and him or is that just not something you're willing to share?” She asked, unlike Rhys or Azriel did. That in and of itself meant more to me than anything in the world. 

Mor was nice, nicer than anyone I had ever come across. It’s who I spent a good chunk of my time with when she was here and not working at Midnight’s Shadow, Azriel’s club. We had built up a little bit of a relationship in the two days since she was the only one who bothered to ask for my number. 

“It’s really fucking complicated. I was about 14 when he left? I think? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. But I heard him in his room and then he was…” I shook my head, that sting in my throat coming back like it did every time I talked about it. “It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if he had just fucking told me.”

“He didn’t even give you a heads up?” I shook my head. “What the fuck?”

I just shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m over it.” Definitely not over it. “And I don’t want anything I tell you about him to change your perception. I’m sure he’s a much different person now.” “That’s exactly it, though. He is such a family person, so to speak, that it kind of shocks me. He loves getting us together and doing card nights with movies. To hear he acted like that? For fucks sake Ira I didn’t even know you existed… It’s hard to think anything but differently about him.”

I bit back the tears. Card nights and movies? That's what we used to do together. She didn’t need to see me cry, and I didn’t want her to either. “It’s not his fault. I don’t blame him for not mentioning me. There isn’t much to talk about.”

“Why would you say that?” Mor said politely, “share what you want, I don’t want to overstep.”

I fiddled with my fingers. Playing with the devil's on my shoulders. Should I just bite the bullet and get it over with? I just sighed. “When he left I had a lot of issues. A really hard time coping with it all. I made some pretty awful decisions and ended up in a correctional facility. Not really juvy, but not really not juvy if that makes sense? I don’t know if he even knows about it at all. Nothing good happened after he left and… I don’t really know. I do, but-”

“Ira,” Mor said in a very soft tone. Like she was trying to keep from scaring a wounded kitten. “You share when you’re ready. And I will listen.”

I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think clearly as tears clouded my eyes. Mor stood up and came to a halt in front of me. “You’re gonna get through this, Ira. It’s gonna fucking suck, and I don’t think you’re gonna find someone who understands that more than I do. When I was-”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Shh,” she hissed, and I sealed my lips, a smile spreading across the pressed line. “I am a one-for-one person. You give, I give. You take and I take. I know there aren’t many people in this world you trust, so let me make it a little easier for you.”

I just nodded. 

“When I was younger, I also made some mistakes. Got involved with the wrong group of people and ended up paying the price. It took me years to get over and I wasn’t sure that it was ever going to get better. Or that I’d ever be able to trust people blindly again. Then I met Rhys and he lent a helping hand. And, believe it or not, your brother made a huge difference in my life.”

“You’ve gotta be joking,” I snickered. “Nope,” she shook her head. “When he’s not entangled in work he can actually be a really fucking good time.”

“That somehow doesn’t surprise me at all.”

“What I’m trying to get at is everyone here has had some shit to deal with in their life.” She took my hands in hers. “Rhys was on the verge of bankruptcy, Feyre had to drop out of art school to take care of Nyx… we’re basically a refuge for misfits. You’re gonna fit right in. Now, enough with the heart-to-heart, you and I are going to go get our nails done.”

“We are?” I couldn’t help but let a tear slip through, and I sniffled. “I have to ask Cassian.” “He is so overbearing I swear,” Mor looked to the sky and cursed. “You get out of this and I’ll go talk to him.”

“Okay,” I squeezed her hands before she left. I know I told myself to not get attached to her, but fuck was she making it hard. As much as I want to fall into her arms for telling me everything was gonna be alright, that wasn’t realistic. And she wasn’t my fucking mother, and I wasn’t five. She didn’t need to shoulder my burdens. It wasn’t her job. 

She’s just being nice. She’s just being nice. 

I ripped the top off my chest– quite literally– and laid it out on the bed to wear for later. After I had gotten changed, I met Mor downstairs where she was talking with Cassian. I tried to slip past them to the kitchen but-

“Ira,” Cassian shouted. Dammit. “Come here.”

“Yes, Colonel Sanders?”

“Stop calling me Colonel Sanders,” he rolled his eyes. Mor snickered and Cassian glared. “Why didn’t I know beforehand that you wanted to go out?”

“It wasn’t her idea, Cass,” Mor countered. “I told you that.” “Seriously, I had no idea until she just came up,” I tried to express it as genuinely as I could. Unfortunately, another skill I had developed was seeming extremely genuine when I couldn’t give two shits. 

“You’re gonna go with her?”

“Yes, dumbass. I am the one taking her,” Mor smacked the back of his head. “We’ll be back in two hours.”

“Fine,” Cassian pinched his nose.

“On second thought, maybe three. She needs some shoes to match that… new dress.”

“Do I even want to know?” “Nope,” Mor and I said at the same time, and we bounced out of there as fast as we could before Cassian could change his mind. She walked to a shiny, obviously just washed Mercedes SL Roadster. Navy blue with light gray interiors. Convertible. H.O.T.

“Okay, this car is sick.” I was basically foaming at the mouth. “What's the top speed you’ve reached in this thing?”

“The speed limit,” she winked, but mouthed a hundred and twelve. “We have an appointment to catch, but on the way back I’ll drive the back roads and give you a taste of the wind.”

I climbed in and sank into the seat. This car was comfier than my bed. Not that that was surprising, I was basically sleeping on a cardboard box. When I asked for Cassian's room, I should’ve specified that I wanted his room at his house. Not the one he occasionally slept in. But I guess he and Nesta needed the space. 

Boy were they bad at being subtle in the middle of the night. 

I need to make a list of things to get and double underline earplugs.

Mor must’ve been a local celebrity with the way the salon employees greeted her and offered her a seat right away. 

“Who have you brought with you?” 

“This is Ira, my good friend's sister. She’s staying with us for a while and we have the charity event at the casino tonight so I thought we should make a whole day out of it,” Mor smiled, scanning the wall of nail polish.

“Oh how fun. I’m Claire, Mor’s nail tech,” the lady introduced. “Please, take a seat and let's see what we can do for you this time around.”

On the way over I had looked up some nail inspo on Pinterest. Mor told me, word for word, to ‘get whatever the fuck I wanted’ because it was her treat and she’s always wanted a little sister to spoil and pamper. I wasn’t sure how that made me feel, but I think I liked it. 

I pulled up the picture on my phone: medium length but very pointy. The accent nail was matte black, the others a shiny, deep maroon that faded into black at the tips. Those also got a sparkly topcoat and some crystals on the accent nail. I had a vision to do a dark smokey-winged eyeliner look with some ombre lips to match the nails. 

Very classy but a little bit of ‘fuck with me and you’ll regret it’ vibe. 

I watched intently as the technician, Melinda, carefully crafts the nails. How these people did this I’ll never know. The powder seemed like a fucking struggle. She started telling me something about the liquid-to-powder-ratio and my brain left the conversation. Very underrated artists for sure. 

“So, what do you want to do with your hair?” Mor asked, bending her fingers to look at the pretty coral color on her nails. They were super shiny, almost a chrome finish. 

“I saw this picture of a shaggy kind of french twist? I think I could figure it out,” I shrugged, looking at my nails before sticking them under the curing lamp. “What about you?”

“I’m just gonna curl it,” she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. “Oh, don’t forget to remind me about the shoes.” “No, it’s fine. I have some different options. This is more than enough.” I had seen the prices of the manicure package. It included a full manicure plus a full set of nails. And it was not cheap. 

“Ira-”

“Please, Mor,” I let out a nervous laugh. I cut it off almost immediately. I cannot start doing the Dana thing. “I don’t need the shoes. This is perfect.”

She just nodded, letting it go. 

Thank. God. I did not have time to get into the whole underprivileged child thing. Where it made me feel sick to my stomach to not only ask for something, but to have people offer it knowing full well that I did want it, but would deny every offer. It made me feel guilty because I should be grateful for what I do have. I didn’t need it, but I still wanted it. A feeling somewhere between pity and desperation. 

I didn’t want people to feel bad for me, but I just wanted someone to care. To understand even a little bit.

Trauma was such a weird, twisted thing. 

“Do you want to add the sparkly top coat or just the shiny one?” Melinda asked, twisting the two bottles in her hands.

I thought. Looked at the nails, then at the polishes. “Fuck it, let’s do the sparkly one.”

She chuckled, tapping the bottle against her palm. “It’s what I would’ve gone with too.”

“Those are literally so gorgeous,” Mor leaned over. Hers were done and she was sucking on a lollipop. “You’ve got an eye for this kind of thing, don’t you?” “Always a dreamer, never the dream,” I batted my lashes playfully, sighing as if I were in a daze. “I think I’ve always liked this kind of stuff, I’ve just never had access to it until now.”

Mor patted the top of my head before saying she was going to pay up front.

“So, Mor said that she’s good friends with your brother?”

“Mhm,” I nodded, palms instantly going a little clammy. “Yeah we recently reconnected after about six years.”

“Oh, how wonderful!”

That’s one way to put it. “Yeah, I missed him. Probably more than I ever let myself think before. I spent a lot of time being angry at him.”

“Well, my dear, it is never too late. The two of you may have been going your separate ways, but it’s never too late to turn around. It’s only too late if one of you is left standing and the other isn’t.”’

Okay, did Mor accidentally make some last minute edition to the manicure package that included an overly inspirational surprise? I was not expecting that. But now that I was thinking about it… it was like Cassian and I were standing on two opposite ends of a bridge. The constant rumble for the past lurking in the darkness below. Always there. I could see him, barely, but that everlasting presence was there; a cloud of fear and worry that we wouldn’t ever get past or differences blocked my path to him. 

Why couldn’t I just forgive people? Why did I have to hold grudges and make things complicated? I was wired so differently than most people. Like here I was, with Mor at this incredible nail salon and all I could think about was how much money she was spending on me. Why couldn’t I just be excited for my first real set of nails? Or thankful that Mor never made any type of facial expression over how expensive all of this was? 

Dana and Arthur always made the same face when something was expensive, and I could pick up on it after only seeing it twice. Then I subconsciously– totally consciously– made the effort to pick less expensive options.

It’s in the same category of responses when I hear them coming down the hall and I have the overwhelming feeling of needing to look busy because I simply just don’t know how to relax. 

Staking on constant alert was so fucking exhausting.

By the time I snapped back into reality my nails were done and she was wiping down her station. “Thank you, Melinda. They’re beautiful,” I smiled sweetly, taking the few dollars I had shoved haphazardly into my pocket and giving them to her. “I know it’s not much but-”

“Nonsense. The gesture is much appreciated but please keep it, dear. You are welcome back here whenever you’d like. You too, Morrigan!”

“Next time I will bring some of Elain’s cookies for you!” Mor called from behind the counter. “I’ll see you soon, Claire!”

“Bye girls!”

I could not stop looking at my nails. Could not stop pressing them against my palms or trying to do things without messing them up. 

“You’ll get used to it,” Mor laughed when I tried to re-tie my hair up in a ponytail. 

“I’m more worried that I’m gonna stab myself. Or that I’m- fuck. I have contacts in. How the hell am I gonna get my contacts out?” I pressed the pad of my finger against the underside of my lashes and pried my eyelid up. “This is gonna end with me in the ER.”

_____

All thoughts of doing my hair went out the window. I severely overestimated how well I’d be able to function with these daggers attached to the tips of my fingers. By the time we got back it was already three o’clock. Cassian told me to be ready by four-thirty. Lovely. 

I rushed a brush through my hair and took some of my moose and tried to get the mop of curls to curl. Whoever gave me this hair deserves the death penalty. Whether it came from my mom or dad, I didn’t know, but we were gonna have a problem if we ever met in person.  

I eventually found a way to pin it up to where it kind of looked nice. It was as good as it was going to get. I only had forty minutes to get my makeup done and into the dress. 

The tape stuck– hallelujah– and I shifted the skirt around until my leg was exposed in the slit. Again, it was as good as it was going to get. I probably would’ve been better off with the skirt and just putting on a bralette or something on top. 

Oh well, it’s already on and I don’t have time to fuck around. 

For once my makeup went on smoothly and looked sleek and clean. And the lips to match the nails? Nail on the fucking head with that move. 

I did actually have shoes to wear and they were some nice platforms. One of the nicest things I owned. Totally didn’t steal them from a girl in high school when I crashed junior prom. To be fair she deserved it. She’s the bitch that ratted me out, it was quite literally the least I could do to fuck with her. 

Again, petty crimes. 

Very fucking petty.

“Ira, it’s time to go!” Cassian’s obnoxious voice boomed up the stairs. 

“Jesus okay,” I shouted back, collecting my jewelry and deciding I could put it on in the car. I came clunking down the stairs and everyone was already at the door. Another thing that made me feel like I’m suffocating? Running late. And I was always running late.

All eyes were on me. Cassian looked like he wanted to suffocate and die, Nesta looking pretty indifferent. Azriel was on his phone.

“You’ve gotta be- you know what, this is my night. Just get in the car. I’m only going to say this once but Ira… please just be on your best behavior.” Cassian dragged a hand down his face, shaking his head as he looked at me. 

It wasn't my intention to be a problem tonight, I didn’t want my fleeting moments of freedom to be revoked. So I complied.

Cassian looked pretty good, all things considered. He was in a tux with a bowtie, Nesta in a very elegant yet stylish slip dress. Mint green to match Cassian’s bowtie. Azriel was… Don’t look at Azriel. Do. Not. Look.

“Fine. But what’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” 

“It’s a charity event, not a strip tease,” Cassian said in pure disgust. 

“Well if you had just let me out of the house to go dress shopping then I wouldn’t have had to look like this. But, need I remind you that this is my fucking body and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Why do you care how I’m dressed?”

“Down, girl,” Azriel mumbled from behind me. I whirled around so fast and he was right fucking there already. 

Did he just say ‘down girl’ like I was some fucking dog?

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” I may have been at least five inches shorter than he was, even in heels, but that was not going to stop me. 

“Well I certainly wouldn’t talk to Nesta that way, she’d make me sleep outside,” He ran a hand over his cleanly shaven jaw. “And last time I checked Cassian wasn’t a girl so… I guess that leaves you.”

“Keep my name out of your fucking mouth or you’ll regret it.”

“Okay, cool it you guys,” Cassian grabbed onto my arm, but I yanked it away immediately. 

“Yeah, cool it, Ira,” Azril mocked, somewhere between a laugh and a snort.

Fury blinded me and I turned around to face Cassian. “So you’re just gonna let him talk to me like that?”

Cassian just blinked at me. “You're more than capable of defending yourself, Ira. And I don’t want to get in the middle of this. Not today.”

“I think what he’s saying is that he’s not at your beck and call. More of the other way around,” Azriel said in a very condescending voice. 

“Do you really want to keep pushing my buttons? Because I don’t think you do,” I took another step towards him, eyes narrow and nostrils flared. I was not about to let this self-centered son of a bitch walk all over me. 

No matter how pretty he was. I had some morals. Not a lot, but some. 

“And do what, hmm? Who are you gonna tattle on me to?” Another step closer.

“I think my knee between your legs would certainly leave more than a lasting impression on what I am capable of doing.” I matched his step stride for stride. 

Azriel grinned. "You have no self control, you can't help but pick a fight, can you? It's like it's all you know how to do."

“Alright enough,” Cassian stepped between us, pressing his hand against Azriel’s chest. “Az?”

“Yes?” His eyes never left mine. 

“Back the fuck off. Don’t ever think it’s okay to talk to my sister like that again.” Woah. Not expecting that. I’ve never seen him leer at someone like he did at Azriel. Then that gaze turned on me. “And you, what was the one thing I asked?”

I could’ve sent him through the fucking gravel. “He started it.”

“You’re bickering like third graders,” Nesta shouted over her shoulder. “Please spare the rest of the fucking neighborhood and get in the fucking car or we’re going to be late.”

“Leave each other alone. There, happy?” Cassian cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. All I could do was bite my tongue and shake my head in disbelief. 

“Prick,” I held back the urge to spit at Azriel's feet. I went for the car Nesta got in, telling myself to pick and choose my battles.

“Aww, you don’t want to ride with me, princess?” He called out, and I flipped him off.

“Do not provoke her,” I heard Cassian say. “Don’t make this harder than it’s already going to be.”

What the fuck did that mean? I didn’t intentionally want to make this a rough night for him. But now? I was thinking very differently as to how this night would go. 

“Ira,” Nesta turned around in the front seat while I buckled myself in. “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t.”

I just folded my arms across my chest. “Easy for you to say. I mean, how do you even stand the guy? He is such a fucking-”

“Douchebag? Oh, I’m well aware,” she chuckled. “But this is his event. His project that he spends months planning and sending out invitations for. I won’t pretend like I know what the fuck happened between the two of you, and I’m not going to ask because it’s your business and I really don’t care. But for my sake, don’t do anything stupid.”

Harsh, but I got the message. I stayed quiet as we pulled out and onto the road. The air was thick with tension and I just wanted to get out of the fucking car with both of them. Even if that meant being attached to him all night.

Despite the treacherous waters, excitement and butterflies fluttered my stomach as we hit the highway and I could see some city lights in the distance. 

“Okay, a few rules,” Cassian eventually said after turning down the volume on the radio. 

“Great, another leash,” I sighed. 

Cassian and I met eyes in the mirror. He was really not having it. I bit my tongue. 

“I’m gonna give you a chance, Ira. I don’t want to force you to my hip all night simply because I just don’t. You can be in whatever room I’m in, but wherever I go next, you have to be there. And I don’t care if you’re drinking some, but please don’t get wasted. Keep a low profile.” “Done,” I smiled, nodding along. 

“I cannot believe I’m going to say this but… try to have fun? Meet some people and whatnot. Just behave. That is all I am asking.” Heavy emphasis on all. 

“I will,” I nodded. I’d try anyway. But if there was going to be tequila, then well… that’s a different story. 

___

We arrive and valet the car. Velaris Nights Hotel and Casino shined bright in my eyes. I looked around and Midnight’s Shadow was right across the street. Hopefully that Azzhole would stay there. I giggled, Azzhole. I’m so funny. 

I walked up behind Cassian and Nesta. Apparently I wasn’t close enough with them for the security guard to think I was at their party.

“Ma’m, the event doesn't start for another hour,” he put his hand out to stop me. 

“Oh, no I’m with-”

“She’s with me, Derrick. This is my sister Ira,” Cassian introduced and the guard gulped.

“Apologies, sir. A pleasure, Ira. If there is anything you need, come and find me. Sorry for the confusion.”

Okay, now that was cool as fuck. I guess that’s the kind of reaction you get when your brother operates the whole fucking thing. That kind of connection could be fun. 

On the way over he told me that he, along with another one of his friends, was the pit boss. The other one– Amy or Amanda or something– was already here. Apparently they were some pretty A-list celebs around here. The party was scheduled for six and they needed to be here before the chaos started.

“Not cool enough to get in here, princess?” 

My stomach rolled at the sound of his voice. “Piss off, Azzhole.”

“Azzhole, really?” His brows furrowed and a smirk spread over his full lips. “Be original, sweetheart.”

“Wanna see how original I can be?” I fell into step beside him. “How about you’re a predictable, conceited, arrogant-”

“You forgot cocky,” he butted in. “And handsome. I’m very handsome.”

“Egotistical,” I listed off. “Like I said, you’re predictable. And I wouldn’t flatter yourself, sweetheart.”

“I’d hardly call it flattering, more of a confidence booster. Three days in town and you think you have me all figured out? Care to bestow some more wisdom on me, your majesty?”

“Please, the last thing I want to do is have to hear the agitating sound of your voice for the rest of the night. Piss off, will you?” I scoffed, adjusting the choker on my neck. 

“Don’t worry, princess,” Azriel bent down to talk in my ear. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. You’ll find out that I can be a lot of fun. If you ever let your guard down, we might even be able to have a good time.”

“Yeah because my brother would be so thrilled about us spending time together.”

Azriel shrugged. “What he doesn’t know won’t kill him.”

Now, I know I heard that incorrectly. But before I could open my mouth to respond, he plucked a champagne flute off a tray and raised it in the air before downing it in one go. 

I finally allowed myself to look at him when he walked away. He was dressed in all black; black button up, black slacks, black dress shoes and a black belt. And a silver watch on his left wrist. In another world I might’ve thought that we looked like we could go together, but that was galaxies away. God his back and shoulders…

His ass. He was dangerous. Probably in more ways then one, and fuck did I want to find out all of them.

As I made my way over to Cassian, Mor ambushed me and had a bright smile on her face. 

“Hey you,” she greeted. “Don’t you look good.”

“Thanks. I love that dress. The corset top is perfect.” It was coral colored to match her nails. The structured bodice had sheer paneling and a floor length skirt. Her blond hair was in curls and she had on some wicked eyeliner. 

“It was a pain in the ass to get into. Where’s Cassian? I need to ask him if he wants me on the floor or up with Amren keeping an eye on things.”

Amren, that’s her name. The other pit boss apparently. “He’s over there talking with someone.”

Mor nodded, grabbing some champagne for me and her. “Loosen up, babe. You’re stiffer than an iron pole.”

“I’m not stiff.” I was so fucking stiff. This place was a playground for adults, and I had just turned twenty-one. My mind was running rampant with thoughts. 

“Okay, you’re not stiff. And I’m ShaquilleO’Neal,” Mor teased, linking her elbow with mine. 

We made our way over to Cassian and Rhys who were talking with this ginger guy. He had long, fiery red hair and a scar running the length of his face through his eye. He was also quite stunning. I don’t know what’s in the water here but I think I need some. 

“Ah, this is her. Lucien, this is Cassian’s sister Ira,” Rhys extended his hand to me, gesturing like I was some higher up.

“A pleasure,” Lucien inclined his head. “I am one of the business investors for the hotel.”

“Ahh,” I said. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I don’t know how to talk to these people. So I just stayed quiet. Cassian’s words rattling in the back of my head: keep a low profile. 

“I’m not sure that I knew you had a sister,” Lucien looked me head to toe. “I can see it, though. Same eyes, same nose.”

Here we go again. 

“I’ve been getting that non-stop since I showed up here,” I scoffed. “I mean could we really look that similar?”

“Well, we are related,” Cassian laid his arm across my shoulders. “You’ve grown into it, Ira. Dana had always thought that we’d look more alike as we got older.”

“It, by no means, is meant as a shot at your beauty, Ira,” Lucien’s lip curled up. “You look lovely tonight.”

He reached for my hand and gave the back of it a kiss. If my eyes weren’t nearly falling out of my skull, I might’ve accidentally done the same to him. Thank god I did not kiss the back of his fucking hand. His massive hand, might I add. 

Lucien most definitely wasn’t my type. He had his life together and looked like a good person. I was far too erratic and damaged to be of any good to him. But if he was suggesting something…

“Oh, uhh thanks.” Oh, uhh thanks? Did you just get fucking electrocuted, Ira? “I like your suit, it compliments your hair very nicely.”

That wasn’t a lie. He had on a hunter green blazer and a black vest with a black tie. There was one braid running along the side of his scalp, down the side of his face and behind his ear. The rest of it flopped over the opposite side of his head. 

“I think I’m gonna like you, Ira,” Lucien smiled, pointing at me. “See, she likes my suit. Why’d you give me hell for it?”

“Because you look like a stick of celery,” Cassian was very obviously in a mood. 

“I do not,” Lucien rolled his eyes. “It’s too dark of a green to be celery.”

“Potato potato,” Mor shook her head.

“Don’t be rude,” I said to Cassian. “If he’s confident wearing it, who are you to squash that for him?”

All eyes looked at me and our little circle went quiet. Welp… fuck.

“Can I get you a drink?” Lucien asked me, clearing his throat.

“Yes.” “No,” Cassian and I said together. I glared at him so hard I thought he’d burst into flames. “I’ll find you later, Lucien.”

Cock blocker. 

I gave a sorrowful look at Lucien when he walked away. Cassian was still focused on me, but the second he got pulled into another conversation I winked at Lucien. He smiled back. 

I looked around at the main lobby. There was a full chandelier sparkling above me, and some stone pillars going from the floor up into the ceiling. The black marble floor reflected all the lights, much the same with the counter top of the bar. 

Who knew a bunch of boys could design something so intricate and delicate. They probably had to consult Mor. Or Feyre, more likely. I liked the touch of silver here and there within some of the statues and decorations. The balloon arch was a little cheesy though. 

I ditched Cassian and took a lap around the room, just surveying the crowd. I could feel his eyes on me every turn I took. Whatever. I guess this would be my one shot at proving that I could behave and control my impulsions. Anything to prove his ass wrong. 

The champagne was weirdly sweet and smelled like roses. But it was alcohol and I was fine with that. There was a series of tables lined up at the side, but no food or anything on them yet. I guess they’d bring it out closer to the guests arriving? I had so many questions that I wanted answers to. Mainly what the actual fuck is Cassian doing running a fucking casino? 

By the time I made it back around the room, I snagged another flute off the tray of a passing by waiter and stuck the empty one in its place. This one tasted much better. Across the room my eyes landed on Azriel. He was talking with a group of people who looked mildly afraid of him. 

He stuck out like a sore thumb. Everything about him screamed unapproachable. All hard lines and defined muscles. There was nothing soft about him, and I was also very very fine with that.

Everyone else was wearing full tuxedos or gowns. But he was just in a button down shirt and slacks. Which fit cruelly tight on him. Showing off a toned physique. And his amazing backside. 

My finger tapped against the glass with all the thoughts I was having of him. About his hands on me and his mouth on mine. Do I have any idea as to why I’m so ready to drop to my knees for this guy, absolutely not. He would have one hell of a blow job though. It wouldn’t ever happen, mostly because I think Cassian has already snuck a camera in my room to make sure it didn’t. 

Voyeur. 

Mor apprached Azriel, coral gown catching the attention of several other people. She stuck herself right at his side, his arm falling across her back. 

Oh, fuck.

I watched more intently than I ever had. Were they a thing and I didn’t know it? It would make a lot of fucking sense. I mean, look at them. He’s hot, she’s hot and I don’t even swing that way. I’d be an idiot to not notice and appreciate Mor’s beauty. 

They looked like exact opposites, yet somehow they seemed to fit seamlessly together. Her shoulder lined up with his, her hip to his. 

My heart fucking ached. For no other reason than I was jealous he was touching her and not me. It made absolutely no sense considering I wanted to burn him from the inside out. He was an ass. But if they were a thing… I can’t fuck that up. I mean, I could if I wanted to, but Mor had been nothing but nice to me. 

For the second time in two days I found myself acknowledging that she was a good person. A great one. That she did not need to be involved with me and my bullshit. Azriel may have been a gigantic bitch, but I didn’t want to cut ties with Mor just because I had irrational feelings for him. That would not be fair for her. Or myself.

Am I actually talking myself out of a bad idea? Wow that’s… new. Normally I acted instantly on every idea I had. Good or bad. Since when did I debate with myself?

I washed down the feelings with the rest of the champagne and headed to the bar, perching myself on a stool while I waited for someone to show up.

Not longer than five minutes passed when I felt a presence behind me. It was Lucien. 

“Hey,” I smiled, a genuine one. 

“I waited until the coast was clear,” he grinned, sliding into the spot next to me. 

“Cassian is just a pussy,” I rolled my eyes, finding him easily across the room. He was a head and a half taller than anyone. Lucien snorted, covering his mouth with his fist. “It’s true.”

“I don’t disagree, but he is my main business partner and I do not want to get off that list because there are dozens waiting in line to have the business that I do.”

“You said you’re an investor? What exactly does that mean?” I hoped he wasn’t about to man-splane things to me. I wasn’t a genius by any means, but I didn’t want to be talked to like a child. 

“If they need money for construction, or for a new stock, that’s where I come in,” Lucien explained. “They first came to me with the outline of the business and I knew it was going to take off right away. There isn’t a whole lot in this city besides rich people and their fat pockets. What better way to bring a city to life than to build something that can bring people in.”

“So you are basically their personal bank?”

“No,” he chuckled. “Not exactly. Yes, I have the money, but it is more so my advice they come looking for the most. Sure I could write checks all day, but you can’t buy good, quality financial and business advice.” “Have you ever heard of Zoltar?” I laughed, noticing the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. 

“If you’re referring to the genie in a plexiglass box that takes coins in exchange for fixed fortunes, then yes I have. But I don’t think he’s going to be putting me or your brother out of business any time soon.”

I nodded along, pleasantly surprised by his professionalism. He surely knew what he was talking about. Not like I could confirm if it was accurate, he could be talking straight out of his ass for all I knew. 

But he didn’t make me feel like an idiot, which I was thankful for. 

“What can I get for you tonight?” A bartender asked. 

“Honestly, I don’t really know. Something that looks fancy but is gonna make me feel it in the morning,” I sighed, and judging by his eager nod he knew exactly what I needed. 

“And for you?”

“An Old Fashioned will do, extra bitters please,” Lucien gave a polite smile; it didn’t crinkle his eyes in the way I had seen when I made him smile. Reading too much into this? Definitely. “I don’t want to seem insensitive or anything, but how old are you? I won’t tell anyone if you’re underage but I don’t want to-”

“I’m twenty-one. Just had my birthday a week ago,” I explained. “I know I look… young.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Lucines ginger brows furrowed. 

I just shrugged, “It is when you constantly get treated like a baby.”

“Fair point.” Lucien swirled his thumbs around one another for a few moments, watching the bartender make our drinks. “Did you do anything fun for your birthday?”

“Probably not anything you’d consider fun.” I was certain that telling Cassian’s investor that I spent my birthday at a restaurant, pretending to be a waitress to make quick cash, was not a good idea. “It was not the twenty-first birthday I dreamed of as a kid.”

“Bummer,” Lucien frowned a little, taking a sip of his drink when he had it passed to him. “When I turned twenty-one, my brothers thought it would be a hilarious idea to call beforehand and ask the bartender to freak out on me when I walked in. He acted like he had seen me before, which he hadn’t, and was adamant that I had been in here with a fake ID. Safe to say that I nearly shit my pants.”

I laughed, squashing the immediate guilt of using a fake ID on numerous occasions. I still have a few, but there’s no point in keeping them anymore. I can get in anywhere now. Totally legally! 

I said thank you to the bartender before giving my drink a taste. It was good, but I could definitely taste the headache tomorrow. Was I a stranger to drinking? Absolutely not, so hopefully this would give me some sort of buzz.

“How many brothers do you have?” My vain attempt at not asking about the scar.

“Five,” Lucien’s eyes got a little big. “All older.”

“Jesus, and I thought one was chaos. Your poor mother,” I took another sip and felt my stomach ignite with the familiar burn. “Speaking of the fucking devil…”

“Ira,” Cassian spoke in a harsh tone. His eyes narrowed on Lucien. “Come on, we’re heading over to the greeting line.”

“Okay, have fun.” This wasn’t my party, I didn’t need to stand and greet people. 

“Ira,” he bared his teeth. “Lets. Go.”

“You are such a cock block, you know that?”

Lucien’s cheeks were the same shade as his hair. “Oh, Cassian I wasn’t-”

“I know you wouldn’t be that stupid,” Cassian grabbed my elbow. “This one? Now she’s a different story.”

“You think I’d fuck your business investor? Do you really think that poorly of me? No offense,” I threw over my shoulder with a wince. 

He raised his hand with an understanding smile, “None taken.” 

A gentleman. I think I’ll add Lucien to my internal list of people to be grateful for. And that was a very very short list. He was a great guy, just not for me. 

“I wouldn’t put it entirely past you.” Fucking rude. “I’ll see you later on, Lucien. Let’s go, Ira.”

“Shackled yet again,” I sighed out, not bothering to hide my clear annoyance as I picked up my drink. A Mojito I think? “Thanks for the convo, Lucien.”

“Anytime, Ira.” He tipped his glass to me, and I did the same. 

I followed behind Cassian’s massive shoulders and scowled the whole way. Why did he always have to do that? Wasn’t he the one to try to make friends in the first place?

“Can I just say that you haven’t known me for the past six years and you have no right to make judgements on my character,” I hissed, finally catching up to him. “That was a total dick move. We were just talking to each other. You’re the one who told me to have fun here.”

“And what was one of the rules I had? Wherever I go, you follow.”

What. A. Fucking. Loser.

We rounded a corner and there was a grand staircase just outside the set of glass doors. It was lined with red carpeting and velvet ropes. To my surprise, there were some photographers waiting on either side of the stairs. 

“Now, stand here and smile.”

“That’s it?”

“For my sake, yes, that’s it. Don’t talk to anyone, just be quiet,” Cassian squared his shoulders as he stood next to Rhys and Feyre. Nesta was on his left, me on his right. 

“Eye eye, captain buzz-kill.”

He rolled his eyes. 

“You certainly do like getting under his skin,” Azriel’s voice chilled my spine. 

“It's another one of my favorite hobbies,” I responded, smiling as a woman and her older husband walked by, shaking Rhys, Cassian, and Azriel’s hands. 

“Along with the pick pocketing and hot-wiring?”

Just to prove how fucking capable I was, I carefully reached down, effortlessly removing his watch from his left wrist without a single hair being disturbed. I held it up in front of his face, dangling it like a carrot. His eyes widened and he looked from his empty wrist to the watch in my hand. 

“A rolex? A little… basic. Certainly this one could sell for a few hundred thousand, don’t you think?”

“Give that back,” he lowered his voice, and I smirked. 

“Finders keepers.” I took an obnoxious sip of my drink.

“Now.” He was so easily ruffled. I had found a weakness of his; he did not like it when I touched his stuff. 

I placed the hunk of metal into his open palm and he put it on with a clenched jaw. “Insult my skills again and I’ll make sure the cash is deposited into my bank account before you even realize the watch is missing.”

“You’re quick, I’ll admit that,” he still whispered. “But we both know that you hide behind a mask to cover up the fact that you lack any level of human decency.”

Now that fucking stung. “Who the hell are you to tell me about human decency? And what the hell happened to the whole ‘we got off on the wrong foot’ shit? Your words, not mine.”

I need to stop believing that people will keep their word. I thought Cassian was genuine when he told me to have fun and make friends. Wrong. And not that I really expected Azriel to stay true to his in the first place, but he had no business making assumptions about me. Even if they were right. 

The muscles in his jaw clenched as well as his fists. It was immediately wiped away as another guest approached. But when he was gone, his mouth was open again. 

“Fine, you got me there. Let's be civil and have a normal conversation. Are you having a good time?”

“Do you honestly think I am?”

“I honestly don’t care,” he scoffed. So much for the effort to be civil. His eyes locked with mine when I stuck my tongue out at him. “You seriously need a lesson in etiquette.”

“And you seriously need a lesson in how to not be a douchebag,” I quipped, catching the attention of the couple that walked in front of us. I mouthed a ‘sorry’. 

Azriel’s shoulders shook with a suppressed laugh. “You really don’t know how to be subtle, do you?” “It’s not exactly in my play book,” I responded, plastering a fake smile on my lips. “And for the record, I know how to have some class.”

“You sure? Because you look more like you belong across the street.” He was referring to Midnight’s Shadow. And he was not subtle about the way he looked at my outfit. As much as I didn’t want to shiver at the gaze, I couldn’t help it. It made me feel guilty, especially when I saw Mor quickly stepping into line next to Azriel on the other side. 

They exchanged a quick smile and my heart froze. Why the hell was he looking at me like that and not her?

“And I do. I’m far better at drinking and dancing than I am at pretending to be interested in this fucking sleep fest.”

Azriel grumbled another laugh, his voice deep. “The festivities are actually entertaining. All the old ladies flock to the bingo room the second it’s open. And the poker tournament is always fun to watch.”

A light bulb went off in my brain. “Do you have to already be registered to play?” My devious little mind was thinking about getting in on the action. 

“No, why?” He asked. 

“Because I might want to join them,” I shrugged. “What else is there to do?”

“You can play poker? I’ve barely seen you able to control your hair let alone your facial expressions,” Azriel teased, gesturing to the mess at the back of my head. 

“I have an amazing bluff. See? My poker face is already on, I’m standing here pretending to be nice to you when I really want to kick you to the fucking ground.”

Maybe a touch too hard. But his lips curled into a smile and I didn’t miss the way his eyes flicked to my mouth. “Such a wicked, testy thing.”

“Got a problem with that?” I tipped my glass back, finishing the crafted drink before wiping the corners of my lips, waiting for a response. Again, his eyes went to my mouth. 

“Absolutely not.”

I just rolled my eyes. “You fucking wish, buddy.”

“There are plenty of things I’d wish for before you in my bed, sweetheart,” Azriel challenged, rocking slightly on his heels. “World peace, a lamborghini-”

“A lamborghini?”

“Earplugs,” He rattled off next. “Seriously, do you ever stop talking?”

“Only when I’m certain I’ve made my point.” 

“Cassian, your sister won’t shut up,” Azriel whined like a toddler. 

“Seriously, you’re tattling to my brother? What are you, three years old? Get a fucking life, dude.” “I’m not three, I’m just annoyed.” “Both of you, stop it. Now.” Cassian was pissed. His cheeks were a little red and his eyes were practically bulging out of their sockets. “If you don’t start behaving I’ll drag you out of here myself.”

“Yes mother.” My jaw was damn near on the floor. I wasn’t five anymore. I didn’t need to be scolded by Cassian. And especially not by Azriel who was quietly chuckling to himself. “What the fuck is your problem with me?” “I don’t have a problem with you,” Azriel shook his head. “Despite my better judgment you’re actually kind of funny. But Jesus, you need to learn how to respect people. Do you know how hard he works to put this on every year?”

I didn’t, and I didn’t care. “Why does it matter?”

“It takes months and months to coordinate. Between investors, vendors, caterers, guests… It takes a small army. And to then suddenly throw you back into the mix? Did you ever stop and think about how he might be handling all this?”

No. I hadn’t. Not for a second. I didn’t respond. I am an awful fucking person. 

“Exactly. This hasn’t been the easiest transition for any of us. So do us all a favor and cut him some slack,” Azriel’s tone was a little sharp, but he wasn’t being unreasonable. 

And he was right. I hadn’t thought about how any of them would adjust to me being here. Out of the blue. Just in their lives and in their business after years of not knowing that I even roamed this earth. 

“It’s not fair,” I mumbled. 

“What isn’t fair?” Azriel asked. 

“Cassian is the one who cut me out of his life. Not the other way around. He has no reason to be pissed at me for just simply existing,” I huffed, air rushing back into my lungs. 

“I think it’s a little more complex than-” “What the fuck do you know about us anyway?” I spun to face him, not giving a flying fuck about who was listening. “Cause I’m thinking it’s not much because if you knew, you’d know who I was from the beginning. So keep your speculations to yourself from now on. Got it?” To my surprise, he actually nodded, biting his lips and not looking my way again as the rest of the guests flowed in. 

I was hot. Burning hot with rage and anger and hate. The fucking nerve he has to pretend he knows what happened between Cassian and I. The second Cassian said I could go, I was flying back around the corner to the bar. Thankfully, Cass didn’t try to stop me. He might’ve walked out of here with one less hand. 

The two shots of tequila left a wake of burn in my esophagus and settled in my stomach. I needed food. Quick. I didn’t actually want to give myself alcohol poisoning. 

There were typical fancy party snacks and shit that wasn’t going to be enough to fill me up. The place was buzzing with people and now I just wanted to leave. I was irritated and a little sweaty. Those things didn’t mix well when I got overwhelmed. And the absolute last thing I needed was to have a panic attack in a room full of people. 

I feel so violated. None of what was going on here tonight was okay. There was little I could do to keep my emotions in check. This was wildly unfair. Down right cruel. Cassian didn’t own me and he sure as hell needed to get his friend under control. 

I needed air. Badly. 

“... I don’t know whether or not that event is going to be able to fit into our calendar. We are already booked through the end of the year and- Ira?”

“I’m just going outside for a minute,” I said quietly to Cassian. I gave him a look I hoped he would recognize from years ago. The one I always gave him when he knew I wasn’t able to breathe right for one reason or another. “Just wanted to let you know.”

He gave a nod. And that was more than enough of an understanding. I kept my head down and pressed through the crowd to a set of doors. The setting sun greeted me as the chilly september air brightened my senses again. 

In for four, out for four. In for five, out for five. In for six, out for six. 

One of the only memories I have of Cassian actually being helpful was when he taught me how to control my breath when I had my first panic attack. I was about six years old. Dana and Arthur were having a conversation in the other room and I overheard them. 

“She doesn’t understand right from wrong,” Dana shouted. “What are we supposed to do?”

“Be patient with her, Dana,” Arthur countered. “She just found out they’re not getting adopted. She has every right to be angry and untrusting of us. It’s not her fault. She needs time to adjust to the situation.”

“Yes it is her fault! She got into her teacher's purse and stole her wallet! She pushed a kid off of platform at recess. She is out of control. Here, at school… she is gonna move on to worse shit one day.”

“Ira,” Cassian shook my shoulders. “Ira it’s okay, just breathe.”I hiccuped a sob, snot dripping down my chin. My brain and chest and lungs felt like they were on fire. I couldn’t hear or see anything clearly and all my limbs felt numb and tingly.

“Shhh, Ira it’s okay. I’m here with you. Follow me, put your hands on my chest. Feel me breathing okay? Can you follow my breathing?”

I just nodded, not able to form any words. With every rise of his chest I pulled in a shakey, nauseating breath to match his. In… and out… in… and out…

I opened my eyes and felt my control slip back into my body. The colors in the sky grounded me back to the present and I let the tingling seep from my fingers and toes. Who would’ve thought that suddenly finding yourself back in communication with the person who abandoned you would cause such an emotional roller coaster?

I did not see any of this coming. In the past two days I’ve had more anxious episodes than I have in the past two years. That’s when I got out of “not juvy” and came to live with Dana and Arthur again. 

They were stronger than ever and I had no fucking idea why. That's a complete lie. Of course I knew why. I hadn’t seen Cassian for years and now I’m suddenly living with him again? What did I expect to happen? Clearly I didn’t know it would trigger a fuck ton of memories that I’d rather bury in my mind for the rest of my life. But here we are. 

Here I am. Standing outside of his hotel. His hotel. Having a panic attack. God I am so fucking pathetic. 

This is not the way I wanted tonight to go. If I was going to be stuck here with him for the rest of the night then I was gonna spend it on my own fucking terms. Fuck him. Fuck Cassian and his stupid rules. 

With another grounding breath, I rolled back my shoulders, taking another look at the sky before opening the door. I swallowed my self pity and put my game face on. Now I’m on a fucking mission. I was here to have fun. To make friends, per Cassian’s request. 

Let’s go win some fucking money. 

___

Two and a half hours later I had a stack of chips around me and a royal flush between my two cards and the river. There was a crowd behind me and someone’s sunglasses rested on the bridge of my nose. 

“Miss, the turn is yours. What’s your call?” The dealer asked. 

I had a royal flush. He was not beating that. Just couldn’t. I smirked, pretending to peek at my cards to appear in distress. “Check.”

“Check,” the only other player said from my right. 

The dealer burned and turned the last card, and another fucking hit appeared in the river. I’ve got him by the fucking balls.

“Check,” the man says again, tapping his fingers on the table relentlessly. 

“All in,” I said instantly, the small crowd gasping as I pushed the dozens of chips into the center pot. Could you believe that all I had was twenty dollars to start with and now I was over two grand? It pays to be bold sometimes. 

He flipped over his cards, revealing a straight flush with a smirk.

I clicked my tongue, “Damn. Thought I had that one.”

“Ha!” The man pumps his hand in the air. “Nice try, pretty girl, but I’m-”

“Sorry, is that an eight you turned over?” I asked the dealer, full well knowing that it’s a nine. 

“N-no it’s a nine, ma’am,” she pushed it closer to me and I glanced at my cards.

“Oh,” I chuckled and leaned back. “Thank god, for a second I thought you beat me! But I think a royal flush beats a straight.”

Even the dealer had her mouth open. The guy to my right damn near broke the glass that was halfway to his mouth. I flipped over my cards and spread them out for all to see. Cheers erupted around me as I won the whole fucking tournament. 

“Bitch,” he hurled my way, but I let it slide off me as I stuck my arms in the air, pushing the glasses down to give him a wink as he walked by. 

“Congratulations, miss,” the dealer smiled. “The pot is yours to cash. And there is the bonus as well. Follow me.”

Bonus? I got a bonus for beating some old man's ass at cards? Hell fucking yeah. I was more than buzzed and I swayed when I stood up. A hand steadied me as I wobbled. 

“Note to self, don’t mix tequila with champagne,” I giggled. “Thank you, Cassian.”

Cassian? Cassian. Oh SHIT. CASSIAN. Uh oh. I'm in big. Fucking. Trouble. 

“I think there has been some confusion, Darla,” Cassian said to the dealer. “She was not eligible to compete in today's tournament.”

“Oh? That’s not what I was told. She signed up validly and was-” I watched her eyes dart from my face to Cassians; albeit through blurry eyes, so maybe she was looking behind me. I turned over my shoulder, asking if she wanted to talk to the people behind me. “Oh…”

“Yeah, oh,” Cassian sighed. “Not your fault. We’ll think of something to do with the earnings.”

“Those are my chips, I won them fair and square. As square as Spongebob. The one who lived in the pineapple under the sea,” I clarified in case anyone didn’t know which one I was talking about. 

“Apologies, sir.”

“It’s alright,” he tugged me closer to his body and I stumbled into him. “Let’s go. You’re cut off.”

“Should’ve done that a long time ago, Cassie,” I slurred some of my words, I think. But who cared when I felt like I was walking through the clouds. 

“Don’t call me that here,” Cassie grumbled, dragging me away from the table and my beer that I'd yet to finish. Of course my only logical response was to say it over and over and over again as loud as I could. 

“Wait, my beer!” I cried. “Can we go back and get it?”

“No, we can’t,” he snapped. Cassian dragged me around a corner and into some room off to the side. When he shut the door, he sat me in a chair. This looked oddly like an interrogation room. Especially when he flipped on the single overhead light. He took a deep breath. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“No,” I gurgled. “I am very much in my mind. See? It’s not going anywhere, my thick skull keeps it there for me.” “Don’t play stupid, Ira. What made you think it would be a good idea to enter into the poker tournament. Or that I’d be okay with it?”

“You didn’t specify that it was off limits,” I shrugged. He didn’t and he knew it. “And the bingo was boring. They kept reading them wrong and it pissed me off. They kicked me out.”

“What?” Cassian’s eyes were comically wide. “What the fuck did you do?”

“I kept telling them they were wrong. No one else was doing it so I took it upon myself. Batman has saved Gotham once again!” Cassian actually had to restrain himself punching me. I was sure of it. He brought up his arms, but did nothing with them. He just shook his head in what seemed like disbelief. “There are very few things that make me want to drive my hand through a wall, Ira. But right now? You are at the top of the fucking list.” “Get in line,” I swayed a little in my seat. “I don’t know why your panties are all in a knot. You told me to have fun. And I was having fun. I was winning money.”

“You are unbelievable,” Cassian huffed. 

I just folded my arms. A knock on the door had me groaning and I tossed my head back. “Can I go now?” “No. Who is it?”

“Me,” a voice that sounded a lot like Azriel’s said. Great. Just what I need. Him.

“Come in,” Cassian commands and the door swings in. “What?”

“Amren wants to know what's going on. She’s kind of pissed because people are not happy right now,” Azriel said, and I could feel his eyes all over me. “Don’t you look like a bottle of sunshine."

I flipped him off.

“Tell them Ira is going to donate the money to the charity,” Cassian said after a few moments of silence. When I shot my head back up, mouth open in protest, I felt like I was gonna throw up so I snapped it shut quickly. 

“Okay,” Azriel shrugged as if that was easy enough. 

“No,” I blurted out. “That’s not fair, I won that money. I want to decide what to do with it.”

“Well, it’s customary to donate all earned money to the charity tonight. It’s the… courteous thing to do. You should know that since you apparently know how to be classy,” Azriel’s tone was laced with venom. Little did he know I had fangs of my own. 

“That’s my fucking money,” I snapped. “Who gives a shit if it’s donated to charity. It’s just a couple grand.” I watch them share a look. Blinking. Not saying any words. “What?”

“Where did you get a couple grand?” “I won it,” I shrugged, not thinking anything of it. “I had a twenty in my purse and-”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, Ira. Did you win it or did you steal it?” 

He might as well have slapped me clean across the face. The way my heart sank in my chest… he didn’t trust me. He had not one fucking ounce of trust in me. “You’re kidding, right?”

He just gave me an unnerving look. 

“You really don’t trust me, do you?”

“That’s not the point.”

“Yes,” I nodded. “That's absolutely the point. I was just trying to have fun. Like you told me to do. Not everything I’m involved with is a scam, Cassian. I can’t even believe you would think that. I didn’t even know anything about the tournament until I sat down to play.”

“You’re saying you didn’t know how much that jackpot was? Or the bonus?” “I didn’t even know there was a bonus,” I said truthfully. “How much?”

“Nothing,” Cassian dragged a hand down his face, thumbs in his eyes. 

“Well, it’s certainly not nothing,” Azriel raised his eyebrows. 

“How. Much.”

“Not a fucking-”

“Thirty four-thousand total,” Azriel said way to enthusiastically.

“You’re gonna donate thirty four-thousand dollars? And it’s the money that I earned? What the fuck is wrong with you? I could use that money, you know.”

“Why the fuck did you say anyhing?” Cassian was running his fingers through his unbound hair. 

Azriel just shrugged, “Because I knew the look on her face would be hilarious.” 

“Don’t you have better things to do? This needs to be a private conversation.” I was damn near seething now. He was not serious. He could not do something like this to me again. He’s undermining me. 

“Not really, and this is really funny,” Azriel grinned, fussing with the cufflinks on his wrists. 

“Why don’t you go suck face with Mor, you fucking asshole.” Woah… totally shouldn’t have said that. Even I was a little taken aback at my words. 

Cassian narrowed his eyes and brows, just moving his eyes between Azriel and I. 

No one moved. I’m not even sure anyone breathed. I just watched my brother and his douchebag of a friend exchange a series of looks. They made facial expressions like they were talking, but I never heard any words. Suddenly I felt a whole hell of a lot more sober. 

“Good luck, princess,” Azriel said in that tone that made me want to peel the skin of his bones. Then the door clicked shut. Just Cassian and I. In an enclosed space. 

“The money is going to be donated. And that is final. You’re going home. Right now. I’m done dealing with you,” Cassian’s words dig deep. I’m done dealing with you. I’m done dealing with you.

“Yeah, walk the fuck away. Just like you always do. I thought you’d change, Cass. But clearly you’re still the same coward you were six years ago. After all this time… you still don’t trust me. Still don’t trust your sister. It’s only been two days and you’re already kicking me to the curb? Some brother you are.” I was disgusted by him. Never in my life would I have though he would’ve reacted like this to seeing me again. Sure I expected him and I to have our differences. But this? This was borderline torture. 

I watched his shoulders tense as he paused by the door. He didn’t speak, but he didn’t need to. I knew I hit right where I wanted to. And I hoped it fucking hurt.

___

The clang of something against iron forces my eyes open. I groan, trying to open my eyes but find that they’re crusted together. Fucking gross. I roll my head back, neck cracking with the movement. 

Everything above my shoulders– including those– ached. 

I practically peeled my lashes open one by one, light bright in my eyes. I blinked several times to clear the gunk and noted how dry my mouth was. Man… I should’ve drank more water. 

I know I sent a neuron or two from my brain to tell my arm to move, but it didn’t. My arms didn’t move as I tried again, and then again. I sat up in a panic, taking in my surroundings as quickly as I could through the splitting headache. 

Bars. Iron bars. Concrete floors, cinder block walls.

Oh shit.

“Ira Drallor?” Damn it’s been a while since anyone used my last name. A man was in front of me through the rows of bars.

“Huh?” My chest rose and fell quickly. “W-What the fuck is happening? Where am I?”

“Relax, you’re not under arrest.” Arrest… Arrest? Holy shit, I’m in a fucking jail cell. “We just needed somewhere safe to put you.”

“Put me? What do you mean put me? Where’s all my stuff? What happened?” “Calm down, someone is on their way to get you,” He held out a steady hand, unlocking the gate and stepping inside. “I’m gonna come and take off the cuffs, okay?”

I scrambled up and turned around, hearing the unmistakable sound of handcuffs unlocking. The second they fell away I grabbed them, massaging the red indentations. “What the fuck happened?”

“You were out on the street drunker than the Chicago Bulls after their NBA Championship,” he chuckled. Because I knew whatever the fuck that meant. “Someone reported you, not to get you into trouble, but because you were alone. Walking down a busy street at two AM. With one shoe. In the middle of the road. At least you still had your purse with and ID in it.”

So much for having any ounce of self preservation. Or dignity.

“Am I being charged?” I hope to god that they don’t know I have a criminal record.

“No,” he says and I deflate instantly. “But some advice? Maybe just… don’t ever do that again.”

I gave the closest thing to a smile that I could, and then he left. I looked around, then down at myself. 

My feet were bare, but both of my shoes were tucked in the corner. Along with my purse. Two of my nails were gone and my hands were covered in grime. My skirt was torn and I’m sure that my face is a wreck. There is a little mirror above the toilet and I might as well have been out to sea for seven years. 

My hair is a rat's nest and, to no one’s surprise, my mascara is streaked down my face. I look like I’ve been beaten half to death with my makeup everywhere. 

Two things were going through my mind: what the fuck happend being the first. The second was Cassian might actually kill me. 

Guilt and dread filled my stomach, pushing anything else in there to the surface and into the toilet. I gagged and hacked and coughed into it. This was definitely not my proudest moment. Vomiting in a jail cell toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in god knows when. 

Just how I wanted to start my day. Or night, I had no idea what time it was. Of if it was the same day.

The guard must’ve been nearby because he brought me some water and a packet of crackers. He’ll be on that list with Lucien if I make it out of here with my head still on my body after Cassian shows up. 

Fuck… what am I gonna say to Cassian? I hardly remember anything from last night– the night before?– and I don’t know the full extent of what I did. I remember the poker game and then being furious at Cassian about him making me donate all of it. Oh god… I didn’t have to get up on stage and declare that, did I? Fuck… this is gonna be a mess to clean up.

What I couldn't figure out was why I was so mad at Cassian. He probably said something stupid. He always does when he’s angry. I back-tracked through my memories. I was playing poker, then I won. I remember getting dragged into some room and Azriel was in there. No- Azriel came in later. I think? 

Never drinking that much ever again. 

“Well well well.”

I snapped my head up way too quickly and the light above me circled around and around. I rubbed the back of my neck, squinting until the figure came into clearer view. 

That was not Cassian. And he was objectively worse. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” I hissed at Azriel. I was so not in the mood to see him. Or hear him. Or smell his cologne but I guess none of that was really up to me since I was behind bars. 

“I’m the one bailing you out,” he folded his arms over his chest, smiling smugly as he shook his head. “You look like a fucking disaster.”

“Gee, it’s almost like I got blackout drunk and woke up in a jail cell. What’d you expect, me to be well rested and done up like a Barbie?”

“I see your attitude is as snarky as ever. If I would’ve known you were gonna get locked up at the sight of me and Mor I would’ve done it a lot sooner. This is priceless,” Azriel made a vague gesture to me being locked up and leaned up against the wall. 

Him and Mor? Oh- right. Fuck, was I that obvious about it? I really didn’t feel like bickering with him. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. “What time is it?”

He looked at the watch I had plucked off his wrist earlier. “Almost five.”

“AM or PM?”

“AM?” He gave me a funny look. “Do you have any recollection of what happened?”

“Does it fucking look like I know what happened? No, I don’t. But can you hurry up and get me the fuck out of here?”

“Only if you say please,” Azriel smiled, his stupid, perfectly white teeth flashing. 

I blinked at him. “Azriel I swear to god I will-”

“Just say please and I will get that guard over here to unlock you. The longer you let your pride win, the longer you’ll have to wait for the aspirin, Gatorade, and bacon egg and cheese bagel in the car.”

Every single remark flew out of my mind the second he said aspirin. “Azriel, please get me out of here.”

“Like you mean it,” he grinned wider if that was even possible. 

I was gonna put him through a wall the second I got out of here. But I inhaled, detaching my shoulders from my ears, and swallowed. “Azriel, please. Please get me out of here…”

Something softened in his eyes as he nodded to his right. The sound of keys jingling cut through the air and the guard appeared. Thank fucking god.

“Alright, Miss Drallor, you’re free to go. Get home safe, you two,” he smiled as I walked by, and I read his name tag. Benjamin. 

“Thank you Benjamin,” I smiled, arms full of my belongings. “I’ll try not to get that hammered again. Thanks for keeping me safe.”

“I had a daughter your age once. If someone did the same for her as I did for you, I’d owe them a hell of a favor. Take care, now.”

With a mutual nod, I padded over- still barefoot- to Azriel. “Can we go now?”

“Sure,” he pushed off the wall, spinning his keys around his finger, catching them in his palm. 

The sun was just beginning to shed light on the horizon, a few birds chirping along with the crickets. It was cold, and my feet ached more than my fucking head. I kept my eyes on the ground, careful to not step on any sharp stones in the parking lot. 

“Over here,” Azriel waved, guiding me towards a shiny black Audi R8. Jesus fuck that was a nice car. I paused a few feet from the passenger door, taking in the all black vehicle. This thing cost about seventeen times more than my life's worth. “Leave any scratches and I’ll drop you on the side of the road.”

Some part of me knew he was joking, but I took it seriously. I just wanted to get back to the house.

I carefully opened the door and set my things on the floor in front of the plush leather seat. I began to go around the hem of my skirt, taking out all of the safety pins and cupped them in my hand. 

“Ira that was… I wasn’t serious.”

I just shrugged, looking at him as I sat down. “I think I’ve caused enough fucking damage for one day so I’d rather not risk it.”

The car fired up with a touch of his finger and roared to life. Before pulling away, he reached in the back and plopped a small brown bag in my lap. Did he just… he actually bought me supplies? I peaked in the bag, cheeks heating up a little with tenderness as I saw exactly what he said he had. A bottle of blue Gatorade, a thing of aspirin, and a delicious smelling sandwich. 

“I uhh,” I was genuinely at a loss for words. “Thanks, Azriel.”

“Yeah, it’s not a problem. It's one thing to press buttons, but I don't kick people when they're down. Despite what you think, I am a gentleman.” Why was he being nice to me? Why were his eyes smiling like his mouth? This is weird. Everything about this is weird. 

We pulled out of the parking lot and headed down the road. Lamp posts were still on, and a few deer were over on a field once we got out of the main city. There was some soft music playing on the radio as we drove back to the house. 

“I’m gonna warn you, Cassian is furious.”

“Great.” What did I expect, though. I shoved the bagel into my mouth and might’ve actually moaned at how good it tasted. 

“In all honesty, I think he’s more afraid than anything. You were there in the room when he left and then you were just gone. Literally no one saw you leave, how did you get out?”

“I’m Houdini,” I snorted around a mouthful. His shoulders shook with laughter. “No, I don’t know. I just… do that I guess.”

“Not the first time you’ve had to make an escape, huh?” Azriel drove with one hand on the wheel, eyes flicking over to me before they settled back on the road. 

“You can just add it to the never ending list of ‘skills’ I have,” I said. Every emotion wretched through my bones. Above all was shame. “He’s gonna kill me.”

“No,” Azriel pressed his lips together. “I genuinely think he’s not gonna be as pissed as he is worried.”

“What do you mean not gonna? Does he know you found me?” He shook his head. “What- why?”

“Because it would give him time to be coherent when he sees you after what happened yesterday. I don’t think you want that, do you?” No, I abso-fucking-lutely did not want him to prepare before I could get there. I shook my head. “Then consider this a formal favor.”

“A favor?”

“Yes. I saved your ass from Cassian, now I want something in return.”

“What could I possibly have that you would want? Cause you’re sure as hell not gonna get access to my top secret box of top secret secrets.” Maybe I'm still a little drunk. We took a sharp corner and I leavened into it, head smacking into the side of the car. Yup. Definitely still drunk. “You have a box of top secret shit?” He gave me the blandest ‘I don’t believe your bullshit’ look ever.

“No, but if I did you wouldn’t get access to it,” I smiled, taking another huge bite of the sandwich. It was so fucking good. “What do you want?”

“I want to know what the fuck happened between you two.”

The fucking audacity. He had no right to ask, and he had no need to be in our business. “Sorry, that’s one of my top secret secrets. Better luck next time.”

He clicked his tongue, “Stop being such a hardass for once in your life and just answer the question. I’m not gonna tell anyone, I just want to know why you two are at each other's throats all the time.”

“It really isn’t any of your business,” I said, folding my arms over my chest. 

“Well, you’re living in my house so yeah, it kind of is my business.”

Fair point. 

“There really isn’t much to it. He fucking abandoned me with our foster parents. Totally left me alone with them without a fraction of an explanation or a way to find him.” Why was I telling him any of this? I didn’t fucking owe him anything. “I think the worst part about it was that I blamed myself more than anything. I’ve spent six years of my live thinking I was the one who drove him away when in reality he ditched me for fucking you and Rhys. So I apologize if I don’t welcome you with open arms, but you mean absolutely nothing to me.”

Azriel was silent. I didn’t even hear him breathe. “Ira, it wasn’t-”

“There, I said it. Are you happy now? Fucking prick,” I ground my teeth together so hard I thought they’d crack out of my jaw. Tears stung my eyes and I forced myself to look out the window so he wouldn’t see my trembling lip. 

In for four, out for four…

When we pulled in the small driveway, Azriel put the car in park but made no move to get out. And neither did I.

“If it means anything, I really hope you two work your shit out. Because not only is it a pain to listen to, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cassian so…”

“Burdened?” I finished for him.

“No,” he gave a small chuckle. “I was gonna say challenged. He is one hell of a dedicated person. He's determined to a fault. And the way he talks about you is… he really wants to help you. He wants to be there for you now that you’re here. He just doesn't know how to yet.” “So he just sees me as something to fix? Fucking perfect.” I rolled my eyes, collecting my things and reached for the handle. It didn’t open. I clicked the lock button and it still didn’t move. When I snapped my eyes to Azriel, he had his finger on the child lock button. “Let me out of here. Right now. And I will not be saying please.”

“Here him out,” Azriel gave me a look. A pointed look. “He wants to help you, not fix you. You don’t need to be fixed, Ira. You just need to be shown some basic human kindness for once in your life.” “Because you would know anything about being treated less than royalty. Open the fucking door or I’ll show you exactly how good some of my skills are,” I threatened. I was not above breaking windows. Especially if I was practically being held hostage. He listened. 

Wise move. 

I marched up to the door, smoke billowing out of my ears as I tired the handle. Locked. 

Having to wait for Azriel to come and unlock it was mortifying. It might even haunt me in my dreams. He strode up the sidewalk like he had all goddamn day, sliding the key into the hole and turning it. 

The foyer was empty, save for the shoes haphazardly piled in the corner. Two short beeps rang though the space as the alarm system declared the door was open. The stairs were right there and it would be so easy to-

“Azriel? Did you find her? I’m about ready to call the fucking National Guard where the hell could she… Ira,” Cassian came out of nowhere and barreled into me, scooping me in his arms. I could barely breathe, and my head and neck and body throbbed. 

I coughed, the air strangling out of my lungs. He was hugging me. Cassian was hugging me. He never hugged me, even as a kid. Only when I had panic attacks would he hug me. 

“Fucking put me down.” I thought I was gonna be popped like a grape. 

“Where the fuck have you been? Do you have any idea how fucking worried I have been? Where did you go? Why are you so… so dirty?”

I just gaped my mouth open like a fish. 

“You wanna tell him or should I?” Azriel quipped from the corner. 

“Pipe it, Azzhole.” I didn’t care if it was unoriginal, it was still funny. I turned back around and looked up at Cassian. For a moment I let myself believe that he was actually worried about me. “And I honestly have no idea, I can’t remember. I woke up in a prison cell.”

I watched all the color drain from his face. “P-Prison? What the fuck, Ira? You were arrested?”

“No, apparently a good samaritan saw me wandering in the middle of the street? Barefoot as well. Well, technically I had one shoe on, I have no idea how they found the other one actually-”

“You spent the night in prison?” Cassian roared, surely waking the whole fucking neighborhood. His eyes were huge and he breathed raggedly, hands smothering my shoulders.

“Chill out, I’m fine. They just kept me there to keep me safe for the night. How they got in contact with Azriel is beyond me,” I shrugged, brushing off his hands. I moved down the hall and settling into one of the kitchen chairs. Cassian stood so tensely I wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t break himself in half. “No charges.” “Thank fucking god,” he blew out a breath of air, covering his eyes with his hand. Then he glared at Azriel. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you knew she was alright? Alive even?”

Azriel just shrugged, “Because I like fucking with you.”

“This is not something you fuck around with, Az. This is my sister, she could’ve been dead for all I knew. O-Or kidnapped. How did you even know where she was?”

“I got a text from one of the bouncers that said a woman matching her description tried to break into the club,” Azriel’s gaze hardened when he looked at me. “Apparently you smashed one of the windows and took a bottle of Jack Daniels.”

My blood ran cold. Now that was a legit crime. 

“So I went down the street, found your shoe, and eventually you. For the record, I was that good samaritan that called in to the station. So you’re fucking welcome for not pressing charges.” Azriel looked pissed. Rightfully so, if all that was true. All traces of that sentimental conversation, all traces of any kindness were gone. 

Cassian just breathed in. Then he breathed out. A little longer inhale the next time around told me he was doing the same trick he taught me all those years ago. 

I twiddled my thumbs. “Let’s get the yelling out of the way.” “I’m not gonna yell,” Cassian rubbed the looming five o’clock shadow on his jaw. 

“Just get it over with. I can take it, don’t hold back,” I rested my temple on my fist, eyes taking in my dirty ass feet. I need a shower. And then a bath. And then my cardboard box of a bed. 

“No,” Cassian shook his head. “I’m not gonna yell at you, Ira. I’m done yelling at you. Clearly it’s not getting anywhere so what’s the point? I just spent the past seven hours scouring the city for you because I thought you left. And I was sick to my stomach because of the last words we spoke to each other. I know I’ve been a shitty brother. A coward. But I just got you back… I don't want to lose you again.”

A rush of memories crashed into me. My very drunk words rattled around in my head. Some brother you are. They played over and over and over and-

“So you’re… not pissed?”

“Oh,” Cassian scoffed. “I’m fucking irate. But I’m just relieved that you’re alright.”

A total fucking one-eighty from a few hours ago. Huh. Weird. 

“But Ira we– we have to do something because I can’t ever have that happen again. So, here’s what we’re going to do. Starting next Monday you are going to be working at the hotel for me.”

“Okay that’s… that’s fine,” I shrugged. I was totally expecting him to send me to the military. I felt like there was a catch coming. 

“And every penny that you make is going towards paying Azriel back for the damages that you caused.”

There it was. 

Well, it’s better than being on the street. I looked from him to Azriel. Him and that fucking smirk. “Fine.”

“Good,” Cassian blew out a long breath. “Oh, and you’ll be working for Azirel, too.”

“What?” Both of us exclaimed at the same time. 

“Didn’t you say you could use an extra set of hands, Az?” There was a very obvious tone to him. He wasn’t offering my help, he was volunteering me. Involuntarily. “You can put her in charge of cleaning up in the mornings.”

“I don’t want her in my building, she wrecked it,” he spat, pacing over to us at the table. He was so tall from this angle. 

“Too bad. You want the costs covered?” Cassian stuck a hand out at me, “Well there it is. It’s been a long day. Go to fucking bed, both of you. And keep your bickering to a minimum please. Nesta is still asleep.” “Good to know she cared about me enough to make an appearance,” I huffed, receiving an eye roll from Cassian. His feet sounded up the stairs and Azriel and I were left in the kitchen. Alone. Very very alone. “Look, I don’t want to do this as much as you do so why don’t we just sweep this under the rug and call it a day. Both of us know you could pay to have a window fixed by sunrise so… wave your magic wand and make it go away.”

Azriel grinned. A devilish look. A devious look. “Oh, absolutely not. You broke my window, and you’re going to come up with the money to fix it.”

Petty bitch. Only he could rival my pettiness. 

“And if I have to call in reinforcements,” he pointed up, referring to Cassian. “I will.”

“Oh, because I’m so afraid of my brother? Please.”

“No,” Azriel closed the distance between us. His body heat radiated toward me, his breath fluttering some of my loose hair. “But you should be very afraid of me.”

[aleksanderscult]

Analyzing "Demon in the Wood" (book) - Part 1

(Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5)

Apparently you seemed to really want this (and so did I 😏) so here is the first part of me analyzing one of the best and, simultaneously, most heartbreaking books in the Grishaverse.

I'll analyze the Graphic Novel after I finish with the book.

(Warning ⚠️: get the tissues)

This book got depressing from the first page.

It's really sad that Eryk (I'm going to call him Eryk in this meta) already knows that neither otkazat'sya nor Grisha will ever accept them. They are unnatural even to the Grisha. Something to be feared and held in a distance. They have powers themselves, they are Grisha. But their rarity makes them both prized and frightening. They cannot truly belong even with their own people.

He already feels like an outcast at his thirteen. And it makes him bitter, sad and lonely.

That kid has been physically and emotionally ruined. Remember, that all these injuries are a result of him trying to make friends.

What....

If I were him, I would have three panic attacks, two breakdowns, six outbursts of tears and screams and then I would be knocked out for a week. ☠️

And that boy managed to lie convincingly after an attempted murder against him. He's a natural.

A result of him lying his whole life about:

1) his name

2) his parentage

2) where he came from

4) and all the other things I can't remember now

He has been lying his whole life so much that it comes out naturally to him.

Imagine how frightened he was from that attack to scream and yell so much to the point that his voice was almost gone.

(THIS BOOK IS AN EMOTIONAL WRECKAGE WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE THE IDEA TO DO THIS--)

It's so sweet how he calls her "Madraya" 🥺 (for those who don't know, it means "mom", "mommy"😭)

It's also sad (the word "sad" is going to be used 29383 times for this meta) how he doesn't allow himself to feel vulnerable and affectionate with his mother like the little boy he is. He wants to. But can't. Baghra keeps telling him how tough he must be (fuck that honestly 😒). But even ourselves feel the need to seek the comfort of our mother or father sometimes. For them to hug us and tell us it's alright. And Eryk feels that too but can't express it and just represses it. 😔

HE ONLY WANTED TO PLAY

To play with his new friend, become carefree and have fun. To know how these feelings feel like for once. To become the child he is and go on an adventure!

But that joy was taken from him.

Now he feels ashamed. What will his mother think of him? A foolish child that went off to play. That's not what she taught him at all. He gave in to his boyish desires and he feels embarrassed for it. No child should feel like that honestly. 😔

As much as I don't like Baghra exactly, this is badass. That look must have been deadly af.

JUST HUG THAT POOR BABY FOR GOD'S SAKE OR I WILL!!

Seriously, I know Baghra had a difficult life and all. But would it hurt you if you hugged him just once??

I bet that lack of physical affection had affected him to the point that he MUST had been touch starved. It's no wonder he kept touching Alina whenever he could. The name reveal scene comes to mind now. When he took her hands and guided them around his waist. He's craving love.🥲

Ah, yes, he also has daddy issues.

He never met his father and his mother refused to even speak of him. Heck, he probably never even had a father figure in his life. And it's not like Baghra said "He was a good man" and all. She talked about him as a meaningless mortal figure that is beneath him. Just a person that is only dust. Not his father.

(Baghra, I'm in your walls for traumatizing our boy🔪)

Can you imagine how many times they had to do that? Him practicing his new name, his new lines every month like a parrot that imitates words? Not only did he not have a home but also people to connect with and a name (his true name) for everyone to know. His whole life he was hiding his true self.

Anyway, that's all Tumblr allows me to write for now. We will continue in part 2, babes 💛

[team-heavenly]

Chapter 26 - Part 3

You know the drill by now. Part one is here, part two is here...

Yeah, so uhhh, fun fact! In all my years of playing this game, I never once tried to leave Aegis Cave apparently, because this genuinely surprised me. THERE'S AN INVISIBLE WALL. YOU CAN'T LEAVE. YOU CAN ONLY FINISH THE STORY LINE, FAINT, OR USE AN ESCAPE ORB.

And this kinda upset me because, y'know, for the first time this entire damn run, I finally had a pile of Orans and Apples and other basic things, and I wanted to drop them off in storage to make room for more.

The good news: I did in fact pick up an Escape Orb, so we said SEE YUH!

While we were back in town, I fed a Wonder Gummi to Celebi via Rotom's juicebar, and we got two surprises packed into one!

WUH- OKAY THEN.

And now, some moments that nearly gave me a freaking heart attack.

Damage runs deep </3 Hell of a line.

Also, moments that nearly make your eyeballs fall out of your head until you remember your Garchomp has Huge Power.

Speaking of, here is a non-inclusive list of the moves and abilities I remember seeing from the Unown (either in dungeon or from recruits):

Moves:

Ice Ball

Faint Attack

Thrash

Hyper Beam

Luster Purge

Lunar Dance

Gunk Shot

Dark Pulse

Extrasensory

Hammer Arm

Spit Up

Flash Cannon

Abilities:

Sturdy

Illuminate

Truant

Aftermath

Natural Cure

Serene Grace

Bad Dreams

Drizzle

Cloud Nine

Snow Warning

Heatproof

Filter

A true grab bag, which was honestly kind of fun when it wasn't trying to kill us.

Anyway, we only had to go through three times before getting all the stones we needed and then some! IYKYK.

When we return to the waypoint, we do a funky little dance just kidding, we only close our eyes.

So, here I am, entering the Nonsensical Expanse, getting pumped we get to find out who the first of the three Regis are, right?

But then I have something so unexpected happen that my 3DS nearly falls from my hands.

Wh-

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ISN'T HERE?!?!?!

No, but I was legitimately upset over this. I consulted my friend @exploring-the-sky to see if love knew anything about it.

Well, this is what happens when you use a build from nearly two years ago, I guess.

At every portion of Aegis Cave, I left at least once and came back, and it was always the same. There was no one to fight. So now we'll never know who Regice is! That beautiful guidepost I put together to translate every character and place from their canon counterparts? You know, my actual pride and joy? I literally CAN'T put anything down for Regice now except ??? or ERROR 404.

THANKS A LOT, GAME!!! >:l

Or just replace it with any Pokémon you want, I don't make the rules here.

Next stop: Neat Creek.

We already have C and K so this shouldn't be too painful... I hope.

Nevertheless, when we inevitably come back around, we find what looks like a letter...

Wait, did y'all actually run into a boss? DID Y'ALL ACTUALLY FIGHT A BOSS?? PLEASE, TEAM CHARM, I'M BEGGING YOU-

Ugh, well. Guess we're about to find out, anyhow. We enter the Colossal Rift and hold our breaths...

OH THANK ARCEUS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU!!

...Words said before disaster, Part 21,894-

Despite our one-two punch of Meteor Mash and Powder Snow on Celebi, Rhyhorn wouldn't go down easy. In fact, he got off some Dragon Dances , which made me kinda nervous! And Seed Flare missed, like, 4 times in a row?? Then I REALLY started to panic when he used Mirror Move! But in the end, we persevered.

Ohhhh, I see... so, Not Regice just granted us the guardian's permission pre-emptively and went "lol bye losers, I'm out"? That's the explanation I'm going with, anyway :P

When we approach the Nonsensical Trench, there seems to be no sign of Team Charm...

We picked up two E stones in the last segment of the dungeon, so all we're missing is S, T, and L.

Why, hello there! This one even gave us a stone right away :)

It turns out Unown S and T also spawn on this very first floor! I stuck it out as long as I could and, lo and behold, we didn't have to go through more than once! \o/

Okay, now you gotta do the ritual thing to move on to Part 4.

[the12thnightproject]

Chapter 42: In The Weeds. Unaware that Toshiie is an unashamed "Yusuko" shipper, Yuki lets him into his bromance circle. Katsu fails at gardening.

Shingen x OC; Kenshin x MC (Mai)

Previous Chapter: Here

Logline - Disguised as a boy, Katsuko finds herself working for Shingen, but her dangerous masquerade becomes difficult to sustain when she falls for the man with a fatal secret.

It had been seven years. The last time I had seen my brother, he’d been a skinny nursing student with short dark hair and glasses. I’d kept a drawing of him in my pack, a drawing that was creased and bent from showing it around every port city I’d visited. The long-haired muscular man didn’t initially match the memory of Toshiie I carried in my heart. For one thing, Toshiie would never have owned a gun, let alone point it at someone.

But… this man was my brother, and I knew him.

Yuki moved to block me from gunfire, but I pushed him aside. I jumped off my horse and releasing my hair from where it was tied behind my back. “Did you get the drone fixed?”

Toshiie dropped the gun, cleared the yard in seconds, then pulled me into his arms. “Katsuko. Oh my God. You’re not a ghost. You’re not dead. They told me you were dead.”

Who told him?

“No. I was never dead. I thought you were on a ship somewhere, so I kept looking for you in ports.” I stepped back to look at him. The previously noted longer hair and increased bulk. There was a tiny scar in his eyebrow. But otherwise, he was Toshiie.

At the same time, Toshiie examined my hair, my face, my hands. We took in how the years had altered each other, and yet, not altered our essence, that connection. “I was on a ship,” Toshiie made a face and I immediately knew that had been a miserable experience for him. “For about a year. But I saved the life of the Captain, and as a reward, he allowed me to leave him… leave the ship.”

Ah.

In that pause was a hint that leaving the Captain might have been a wrench on a personal level. Apparently both Toshiie and I had – issues – with workplace romance. Toshiie continued. “But it worked out for the best.” He looked over at where Yukimura was standing back with our horses. “Katsuko, is that your husband?”

Eeek. I hoped Yuki hadn’t heard that. I took a quick look at him, noting the flush that started from his neck and crept upward until even the tips of his ears were bright red.

He heard.

“No. Yukimura is my friend.” I gestured for Yuki to come over and I performed the introductions.

“If you’ve helped Katsuko in any way, then I am happy to know you,” Toshiie bowed to Yuki. Then he turned toward the house, where the woman was hovering nervously by the door. “Hana come meet my sister. Bring Nao.”

Hana disappeared inside the house, then reappeared holding the hand of a small child. Toshie left my side for a moment to lead them to me. “Katsuko, this is my wife, Hana. And your nephew – Naomasa.”

“Who told you I was dead?” I mean, sure it was a logical conclusion given this was a war-torn country and I had had no useful survival skills – aside from running – when I got here. But since I hadn’t been close to death the last time he had seen me, I wondered why he believed that I had died.

Toshiie and I were relaxing after dinner. Both Hana and Yuki had offered convenient excuses (her to put Nao to bed, him to feed the horses) to allow my brother and I some alone time. “The bandit who carried you off – when he didn’t come back, his brother went to look for him. They found him bleeding in the snow with a broken leg. He said he was attacked by a bear. He said it dragged you away.”

Exit, pursued by a bear.

“A bear ate me? How unoriginal. There was never any bear. That bandit likely didn’t want to admit he was bested by an old man.” I rolled my eyes.

“Is that what really happened?” Toshiie got up and brought a bottle of sake back to the table. I shook my head. I’d explain about the panic attacks later.

“Um, he wasn’t as old as he appears, but otherwise, yes.” I gave Tosh a quick summary of my life – how Aki had rescued me, then trained me as I worked my way up from housemaid to courier. And how I had ended up at Kasugayama. “And there’s so much more, but it’s another story for another day.” My throat was sore from talking all this time and my nerves were still too raw to begin telling a story to the person who would see through all the things I did not say. “Tell me how you ended up here.”

“It’s not nearly that complicated. When I left the ship in Sakai, I had some money and the gun the Captain gifted me.” He paused, glancing at the musket that was now safely stowed high up on the wall, away from Nao’s reach.

I looked at it as well. “I’m surprised you know how to shoot it. You were such a pacifist.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. But the people I point it at don’t know that either.”

I could, and would, show him later, I decided. It wasn’t terribly smart of Tosh to point something he had no idea how to work, especially given how clumsy he could be.

“Anyway, I decided to head Northwest, on the advice of one of the sailors who had come from this area. I was looking for a town with a doctor who would be willing to take on an apprentice.” Both of these things were extremely Toshiie things to do, and I ought to have thought of it myself. I took another sip of tea to avoid saying that out loud, but Toshiie noticed my hesitation. “What is it?”

I mimed a face/palm. “Feeling stupid for focusing on ports for such a long time. I might have found you sooner if I hadn’t been envisioning you on a ship.” And hadn’t credited him with enough resourcefulness to find his way out of that. Then again, at least I hadn’t thought he’d been eaten by a bear.

“If you had found me sooner, there wouldn’t be a Hana and a Nao, so it worked out for the best, wouldn’t you say?” He took my hands and smiled. “This might not be the life I planned, or expected, and while there are certain aspects of modern life I miss, I’m content here.”

I looked around the modest house. It was cozy, and he and Hana had clearly nested here. Yes, I could see why he was content with his lot. Still, I would have to inform him that I had discovered a way to get home. I had a feeling he wouldn’t be interested in going, but who knows… maybe he’d prefer to raise Nao in the relative safety of modern Japan.

The days took on a relatively predictable pattern. Yukimura stuck around, stating that it wouldn’t be worth travelling all the way back to Kasugayama, then turning around and coming back here in time to go to Togakushi with me. I wondered if he was as apprehensive as I was about how Shingen would react to us when he came back through the wormhole. If. No. When.

In the meantime, Yukimura and I held informal training sessions every morning – being killed by Kenshin every day had instilled good habits in both of us. Our sparring sessions soon grew to include a reluctant Toshiie, a far less reluctant Hana, and several enthusiastic boys from neighboring households. As always, Yuki had a Pied Piper effect on children. No matter where he went, there was a trail of them marching after him, and at the end of the trail, toddled Nao, yelling, “Uki! Look! Uki! Wait! Uki! Up!”

In the afternoon, while Toshiie made some “house calls” to his frailest patients in his role as local healer, I would practice archery behind the house, or sometimes join Yukimura in exploring the area – less of a sightseeing excursion, and more scouting out what Nobunaga was doing. So far, it seemed he was more concerned with the silver mine than anything else. Yukimura even spent an afternoon secretly touring the silver mine, but even though I was somewhat curious about the process, nothing would have gotten me to go underground.

At night, the four of us would eat dinner together, then Yuki and Hana would take off on separate errands, knowing that Tosh and I still had a lot of catching up to do.

On one hand, it all felt like I was in limbo, waiting to pick up the strands of my life – whether I would end up returning to the road as a courier, or whatever it was I had been on my way to becoming as I worked with Shingen. On the other, it was a glimpse of a type of normalcy – that there were people living and working who were not at all connected to the warring clans. I wonder if I had ever had a chance at this kind of peaceful existence. If I had been satisfied living as a housemaid, would I have eventually ended up like Hana? Her father had been this area’s healer, and I knew she was trained in medicine. Yet, she was happy to let Toshiie take the lead.

I liked Hana. I really did. But I struggled to find things to talk about with her, and I knew she didn’t approve of my life as a courier. She understood why I had dressed as a boy and learned to fight – but she didn’t understand why I enjoyed it. We’d found a common ground by exchanging stories about Toshiie’s past and present life though, which got us past the awkward silences.

“Need any help?” I knelt next to Toshiie, who was puttering around in his medicinal herb garden. Hana had taken herself into the kitchen to prepare dinner, and Yukimura was galloping around the front garden with Nao riding on his back, chubby fists gripping Yuki’s hair.

Toshiie laughed at me. “You? Garden? Didn’t you once kill a cactus?”

“I never touched it. It fell over on its own.” I looked at his neat plots of fragrant herbs. “I’ll have you know that I stripped a lot of willow bark in my time at Aki’s manor.” And… more recently than that. Another memory land mine. To push that away, I eyed where Yuki was patiently giving my nephew another piggyback ride. “Poor Yuki’s going to be bald by the time we leave.”

“You could do a lot worse,” Toshiie said.

“I promise, I won’t pull anything out of the ground without checking with you first.” Weeds were the ones that didn’t smell like herbs, right?

“No.” Toshiie shook his head. “I meant… why aren’t you and Yukimura together?”

“We’re just friends.” I yanked out what I hoped was a weed. “He would say the same.”

“I’m sure he would. But would he mean it?” Toshiie rushed to stop me from pulling up another – apparently not a weed - thingummy.

“Yes. I’m involved with someone else.” At least, I hoped I still was.

“Why isn’t your someone else here?” He handed me a plain cloth and some of the herbs he’d collected. “Here. Spread these out to dry.”

“He’s not here because I…” The explanation lodged in my throat.

“Oh, Katsuko. What did you do?” Tosh was still good at reading me. Or, I guess in some ways, I hadn’t changed as much as I had thought. Hoped.

I wasn’t sure where to start. Tosh was likely to have very strong views on medical ethics.

“That bad?” Toshiie asked after the silence stretched out too long.

“He’s sick. A lung disease of some kind. Something they haven’t been able to cure now, but maybe modern medicine could help. And so – that is where he is – in the future – getting medical treatment.” I’d previously informed Tosh that I’d discovered a way home, but as I’d surmised, he was not interested in going back.

“Alright. Why do I have the feeling that there’s more to it than that?” He dusted his hands on his kimono and fixed me with a ‘big brother’ look.

“He didn’t exactly choose to go for treatment. Yuki, and I and a couple of others ambushed him, and sent him into the future anyway.” Ugh. It sounded even worse when I explained it like that.

Toshiie closed his eyes. It was a look I was familiar with; and, had been the recipient of many times in the past. The look that said, ‘I’m disappointed in you, but I don’t want you to see that. “Oh.”

I dropped my forehead to my knees. “I know. But I couldn’t let him just – die – when there might be a cure.”

I felt his hand on top of my hair, and that light touch said, ‘I love you anyway.’ Because no one can love me without a qualifier. “I understand why you did it. It was the lightbulb thing.”

Toshiie always had been capable of mysterious leaps in logic. Usually, I could follow him, but not this time. “Lightbulb?”

“Whenever mom was having a difficult time of things.” This was Toshiie’s way of describing those weeks when she would rarely leave her bed, and if she did, she’d make it as far as the couch where she would sit in the dark. “She let all the light bulbs burn out, one by one, because it wasn’t worth the effort to change them.”

Oh. That. I had not realized he’d noticed.

“You replaced them and turned all the lights on and do everything that she wouldn’t do for herself. Cook. Clean. Brush her hair.” Now Toshiie was the one who couldn’t look at me. I tried to remember what it was that he had been doing while that was going on, but nothing came to mind. I’m sure he had been helping too.

“That’s not how I remember it.” I shook my head. Some things only needed to be experienced once, not stored and dissected over and over. “What does that have to do with Shingen?”

Toshiie’s jaw dropped. “That’s your someone else? Your boss?!”

I gave him a ‘you should talk, Mr. I-hooked-up-with-the-ship-captain’ look.

He sighed. “Anyway. You wanted to save him because you couldn’t save her. I get it. I wouldn’t expect you to do anything else – right or wrong as that might have been.”

“I didn’t try to save her.” As soon as I had been old enough to live on my own, I had moved out. So had Toshiie. “If she didn’t think we were worth sticking around for, then so be it.”

“You are worth sticking around for,” Toshie said. “I have no idea what was in your Shingen’s head. I never met the man. Hopefully, I will meet him someday to determine whether he is worthy of you.”

I don’t know how I would have responded to that, as our conversation came to an end when Yuki plopped down next to Tosh and passed a now half-asleep toddler over to him. “Here. I think I wore him out for you. I know he wore me out.” He grabbed the nearby bucket of water that Toshiie had been using on his plants and poured a little bit over his head.

Still apparently determined to either play protective big brother (as if those fifteen minutes really counted in making him older!), or to cheerlead for a man who likely didn’t even realize he’d been penciled in as little-sister’s-perfect-boyfriend, Toshiie turned to Yuki and asked, “What is Lord Shingen like?”

Uggh! I punched Toshiie’s shoulder and let out a shriek. “Tosh! Yuki. Ignore him. He is just being weird.”

He covered my mouth with his hand. “No! I really want to know. This is my only sister.”

Lucky for me Yuki missed the subtext. “He’s one of the best men I know.”

See! I glared at Tosh.

“He’s like a father to me, in fact, he practically raised me,” Yuki continued… way further than he needed to in my opinion.

Toshiie mouthed Daddy issues at me, before asking, “How old is this man anyway?”

“Shut it, Tosh. He’s not much more than, um, eight or nine years older than we are.” Or ten. Twelve, tops. “You’ve just kept me in your mind a perpetual teenager.”

Finally beginning to catch on that he’d landed in the middle of a sibling kerfluffle, Yuki hurried to add, “Lord Shingen is brilliant, he’s strong, he’ll protect her with every fiber of his being.”

“Not that she needs protecting,” I muttered.

“If you had a sister then, you would be happy to see her with him?” Toshiie persisted.

There was just the tiniest hesitation before Yuki answered. “Yes, of course.”

“You paused there.” Tosh was not going to give up, was he?

“Tosh.” I gave him my best glare of death, then turned to Yuki. “You don’t need to answer any more of his questions.”

“It’s fine, Katsu.” Great. Yuki had decided that Toshi could be part of his bro code. “Lord Shingen can be a flirt and has a reputation as a womanizer.”

I felt a little pang in my stomach, hearing in Yuki’s words the same thing that others had said about Shingen. He doesn’t do commitment.

Then Yuki turned to me and smiled. “However, he’s serious about Katsuko.”

“Thanks Yuki,” I whispered.

“I need to wash up.” Yuki then fled before Tosh could interrogate him further.

After a long moment, Tosh said, “Obviously your mind has long been made up, but passion doesn’t last. Steady affection,” he looked down at his sleeping son, “that’s the way to contentment.”

Whoa. Well. That answered a question about Hana that I never would have had the bravery to ask.

“We’ll have to agree to disagree, especially as you’re making statements about a man you have never met.” Two could play at this interfere in siblings’ love life game… well not interfere. Tosh had clearly built something here with Hana, something good. But he obviously was hurting about something else, and I wanted to let him know he could talk about it. “Tosh, what’s wrong? What’s really wrong?”

“The Captain. He’d didn’t ‘allow’ me to go. He told me to. I would have stayed for him.” Tosh’s voice was quieter. I was sure he didn’t want to hurt Hana with his words.

“But he didn’t ask?”

“I offered.”

There wasn’t much I could say to that. I could imagine rationalizations or possible selflessness on the part of the unknown captain who may have realized how miserable Tosh was at sea. I could equally imagine that Toshiie was right, and their passion had run its course. I didn’t know this captain any more than Tosh knew Shingen. So, I did the only thing I could do and hugged Tosh to me and let him rest his eyes on my shoulder.

Toshiie loved his wife, his family, the things he had built here in Ikuno. That was evident in everything he did. That didn’t mean he didn’t have regrets. Nor did it mean that he would ever get over his captain.

Maybe we’re not meant to get over people. Maybe we’re meant to take with us the things we learned, the joyful memories, and use the pain to become kinder versions of ourselves.

@bestbryn

[moonlightdancer26]

Thanks for letting me vent

So I was assigned the task of writing the summary for a story and so I did just that. Was told by the group leader that I needed to rewrite it so I did. Then she said that the grammar needed to be fixed which was like that because of auto correct that I did not notice so I fixed it.

But for some reason she still wasn't satisfied and passive aggressively told me she'll just do it herself. A group leader is supposed to lead the other members and because she gave that title to herself she should have just told me what she found wrong with it when I already changed and fixed it.

She only told me that the grammar was wrong so that was the only thing I changed but apparently she didn't like it at all??? She did not say that before.

So now I'm having an anxiety attack because of that since it's a big chunk of our grade and she took my contribution away from me. I was so shocked that she did that when there was no need to since I'm fine with rewriting to make it what she wants.

I've contributed in other ways so she can't say I did nothing but I'm afraid that she'll say I was incompetent and give me a bad peer review when I was willing to work and fix what I wrote.

I just did not know what else she wanted changed because she did not say. The only thing she mentioned to be changed was grammar so that was what I fixed and kept the rest as is thinking it would be ok after that.

Very long I'm sorry but I just wanted it to be clear on what the situation was. Again thank you for letting me rant.

Anytime!

That sounds shitty asf, I’m sorry you had to go through that. Self-proclaimed group leaders who decide to be passive aggressive rather than to give you genuine advice if something you did needed improvement are just assholes. Thankfully in high school, all the classes I took that required group projects and coursework happened to be with a lot of my friends, so I would always pair up with them and they knew me well enough to know I was the best group leader out of all of them, but I totally remember how infuriating it would be as a kid to not be able to choose your partners and be stuck with egotistical assholes like that girl you’re dealing with. I’m sorry anon, she’s not worth stressing over, I’m certain your summary was great and that she was either jealous of your great contribution or just wanted to exploit her title as the “leader.” I think you should discuss it with your teacher honestly, they might be able to do something about it or get you to switch groups. You could complain that she took your biggest contribution to the group assignment and that it wasn’t fair, I think that would work.

Anyway, that girl sounds like an absolute piece of shit, and she does not have the right to take that summary task out of your hands. Please do not stress or panic about it, if your teacher is understanding enough, they would definitely do something about this, because that girl’s way of doing her job as the group leader is NOT the right way to go about it.

Give me updates if you can, I really hope that this turns out well for you, anon.

[fevers-and-emeto-oh-my]

now for my own whump tale from Friday night--two friends we haven’t seen in a long time came over and drank with us. i had nine shots which is way past the limit where i don’t feel sick (around five or six) and past the limit of the most i’ve ever had (which is eight).

 i didn’t eat enough all day, so the alcohol kicked in fast and hard and made me superrrr dizzy. my roommate was like “your hair ties are on the bathroom sink right? okay, here’s a hair tie” and then gave me a few minutes before she was like “okay let’s go sit in the bathroom.” 

and at first i was just very very drunk and dizzy but fine. i kicked her out a couple of times so i could pee, and then at some point it just dissolved into chaos. the friends that came over are still very close with an ex that traumatized me, so hearing them mention him so casually i think just triggered me. 

and then i just started hyperventilating and saying all the things that came to my head, like that i was a liar and a fraud and a slut and a whore. this whole time i’m swaying and my roommate has to keep stopping me from laying down, and i’m going back and forth between just swaying around and laying my head in my arms on the toilet. the whole time i’m sobbing and hyperventilating and saying all the incoherent and very very dark things that i don’t usually tell people.

i did end up laying down on the floor, and my roommate called her boyfriend into the bathroom to help sit me up bc she’s smaller than me and knew she didn’t have the muscle to lift my dead weight and she didn’t want me to throw up on the floor because she knew then i’d freak out about that. so her boyfriend comes in, lifts me up and gets me sitting again, and then they’re both still trying to talk me down.

i’m still hyperventilating, now with both of them there i’m telling them that i’m fine and they can go, i’m saying how sorry i am that they had to take care of me through all kinds of coping mechanisms, i’m saying that i’m just like the horrible friends my best friend had in high school, i’m still saying that i’m a liar and a fraud and a whore and a slut. the whole shebang. the whumpee that breaks down into a panic attack and says all the things that caretaker desperately wants them to believe aren’t true? yeah, that was me.

my roommate’s boyfriend ended up getting a paper bag to see if i would breathe into it and if that would help, but i just kind of held onto it and kept talking. they were getting extremely concerned at this point because apparently i was very very red, still hyperventilating, and they were worried i was going to pass out. my roommate was considering calling our third roommate who wasn’t home just to have a third voice calming me down, but anything they were saying was pretty much going in one ear and out the other anyway. she was also considering calling public safety or someone else who could help deescalate the situation because it had been probably close to an hour at this point and i still wasn’t calming down at all.

my roommate’s boyfriend ended up leaning forward, cupping my face in both of his hands so that i would stop just moving my head around and actually focus, and very forcefully (not in a bad way. just forceful enough that i had to actually listen to his voice.) went “you need to stop fucking talking and breathe.” and it stunned me so much that i actually went silent and breathed a little bit.

eventually i calmed down and then just had to deal with feeling sick for the rest of the night until i eventually threw up, but the whole time they were talking to me they kept going, “come on joey breathe,” and i kept going “i can’t, i can’t” and when they would be like “no sit up you can’t lay down” or “stop talking, it’s okay, none of what you’re saying is true” i would just go “no, you don’t understand”

kind of a harrowing experience in that i’m still processing it but damn. what fine, fine inspo for whump am i right

[justkenz]

I (20F) think my girlfriend (19F) is gonna break up with me

Some background information before I start: I (20F) have been dating my current girlfriend (19F) for 5,5 months now. She is autistic and I have C-PTSD. She knows what has happened to me in the past, but can be forgetful at times due to overstimulation. We both a kpop coverists and dance together.

Yesterday my 13 year old cat crossed the rainbow bridge suddenly. I was the one that found him and I had to get him wrapped in a towel. I gave him to my younger sister and dad, they took him to the vet. Apparently he had an embolism which paralysed him from the waist down and the vet told us that we could give him treatment, but there was a small change he would make it and the risk of another embolism was very high. The choice was very clear, but all of a sudden our cat was gone. This cat wasn't just any other cat to me, this cat has helped me a lot through my panic attacks, depressive episodes, etc. My girlfriend knows this.

We had a filming session scheduled for a new cover we were going to make and I didn't cancel it. I did let everyone know what was going on and that I wasn't feeling well and I was not in the best mood. We were in a group of 6 for this cover.

A lot of things went wrong; it was cold, people were late, some people all of a sudden needed to be home early (we are all adults ranging between 19F-22F) and the original location we wanted to film at was occupied. I was the one communicating with the group and a lot of responsibilities fell on my shoulder, which I did not want to handle and I communicated that quite harshly to the rest, but in the end I needed to take care of a lot of things.

I made a new filming schedule (from filming 3 hours to filming the cover under an hour) and chose a new location with our camera man (without her I couldn't do it). When I send it over nobody responded and left me waiting. I waited over 30 minutes in the cold and the first thing I heard was someone complain about the location. Nobody checked in with me if I was fine, except for our camera man. During the whole filming session more things went wrong and I got very agitated, but I kept it to myself. I did not want to start a fight in the middle of filming, I just wanted to finish this project. More things happened, like me falling down hard on the ground which broke my necklace and some people complained about that too due to the continuity of filming, since it's obvious we didn't do it in 1 take (which we never claimed to do anyways).

After filming my girlfriend said to me she wanted to have a chat alone, but I walked away since I was super angry. She then grabbed me by the wrist and said she was very pissed off at me for the way I talked to her in our group chat. I tried to stay calm and walk it off instead of diving into the conversation, but when I saw them whispering and looking at me I snapped.

I ran after them (they were walking and ignoring me) and I burst through their crowd and confronted my girlfriend. I was yelling in public about everything I had to deal with today. At some point she grabbed my wrist again, which is something you shouldn't do (it's a trigger) so I pushed her off. Her friends thought I was going to attack her so they all grabbed me and I tried to fight them off (only by getting myself loose, I did not hit a single person. Just tried to shake them off), but they all yelled at me and said I was aggressive and that I shouldn't hurt her, etc. It triggered me even more, which made me say very harsh things to my girlfriend and at some point she thought I was going to break up with her. I did not do it and told her I would never do that, hut I did not want to see her again because I was (and still kind off am) angry at her.

During the conversation she said that A. She thought I was going to cancel and B. She understood what I was going through. I told her she didn't understand it, that she will never understand it and that she shouldn't pretend to understand what I'm going through. That throughout the day not 1 person except for the camera man checked in on me or showed me sympathy and that from her I know I can't get it due to her autism (which is a very ableist thing to say). After my rant I walked away and tried to calm down.

I texted her multiple times to show her more of my perspective and when I fully calmed down I sent her a very long message where I fully explained what I was going through that day and an apology for some of the things that I said.

Now she isn't responding anymore and I don't know what to do. These friends never liked me anyways and they always have had a big influence on her and after my outburst I'm afraid that they are going to convince her (and her mom as well) to break up with me.

Hey, I’m really sorry for your loss🤍 and I hope you are doing okay! That sounds like a really brutal day and a lot happened that would be really hard to keep it together.

I’m not sure if something like this has ever happened in the past, but it sounds like you had a really rough day, really needed someone to understand that and at least be mindful of the fact that you were struggling. I think there were a lot of things that just kept adding to your already full cup and eventually it all just came spilling out.

I’m not saying that’s an excuse for saying or doing harsh things, but it’s just saying that there were things that clearly led to this one incident.

I’m really sorry that she grabbed you, I’m assuming that you’ve talked to her before about things that trigger you, so if that’s the case that’s really not cool.

She might just need some time to process and cool down from that, and to be honest it is probably good for you to take some time too. I think after a few days you both should try talking and just hearing what each other has to say.

I know it can be scary when you are unsure if what is going on since she isn’t answering, but depending on your relationship, I think she is likely just taking some time to process and hopefully will reach out to you soon!

Take care of yourself friend!

[shingekinosimpson]

You Had Me At B Minor: Chapter 1

Pairing: Jean Kirschtein x Marco Bodt

Other relationships: Reibert, Springles, Historia x Ymir, Levi x Hange, a smidge of Jearmin

Rating: Mature

Summary: Jean's band needs a new bass player. Cue freckled Jesus.

Warnings/tags: Long fic, slow burn, Jean POV, British AU with cannon locations, northern Jean, Unsigned band AU, nonbinary Armin, I promise there will be smut eventually! drinking, mentions of death, descriptions of domestic violence, panic attacks, see start of chapter for more specific trigger warnings

************************************

Trigger warnings: None

You are a past sinner, the last winner and everything we've come to

It makes you, you

“Okay, well nice to meet you we’ll be in touch!

I hear Connie closing the front door.

“Errr no we won’t!” shouts Eren as Connie comes back in the living room. “That was hands down the worst version of Come As You Are I have ever heard. Like I actually think he might have ruined the song for me.”

“Yeah. I can hear Cobain spinning in his fucking grave,” I huff. “You know you don’t have to say that to everyone that auditions Con?”

Connie looks at me sheepishly and shrugs. “Yeah Jean I know, I just felt so bad for him,” he says, struggling to keep the smirk off his face.

Eren dramatically flops onto Connie’s couch with a whoomph. “Ugh! Are we nearly done? I can’t take much more of these Melvins that can’t play their fucking instruments!” There’s a South Park reference I haven’t heard in a while I think snorting. “This has been a fucking disaster!” he grumbles into the couch cushion.

I’m with him on that point. It’s been a long and frankly, fucking awkward afternoon. Finding a replacement bass player for our band is not as easy as I had anticipated. I’ll admit, when I first found out Marlowe was going travelling for a year I was…well, relieved. I mean sure we grew up with the guy but recently...he’s turned into a bit of a wanker to be honest. He fell in with this hipster crowd at his uni about a year ago and his taste in music dramatically changed. Much for the worse in my opinion. We could all tell he wasn’t bothered about the band anymore. And that fucking ironic bowl cut of his was just embarrassing man! So yeah, when he announced his impending departure, I was glad. But after the ear-raping I've had this afternoon I'm actually starting to miss the guy. At least he can fucking play!

Connie snickers at Eren, grabbing himself a handful of Maltesers from the packet on the table. “There’s only one more person. Actually it’s the guy Armin knows.”

I turn towards Connie, raising my eyebrows. “Armin knows him?” I don’t have many people in my life who I fully trust, but Armin has always been a solid friend. I can’t count the number of times their advice has got me through shit. I feel a bit more optimistic about the next guy now. If Armin's recommended him, there's little chance of them being a total douchebag.

“Oh yeah him,” Eren cuts in, turning his head to the side, his voice is no longer muffled by the cushion. “He text me asking about it. He works at Armin's coffee shop. He only moved to Trost a few of months ago but apparently used to play in a wedding band so Armin told him about us and gave him my number.”

“Christ, let’s prepare ourselves for Sex is on Fire and Mustang Sally then,” I deadpan. Both Connie and Eren laugh at that, though Connie’s laugh sounds a bit weird through all the chocolate and honeycomb he has stuffed in his face.

“Hey even the best of us venture down that dark road from time to time!” Connie chirps after swallowing his colossal mouthful of treats.

It’s true. When we were just starting out and a bit desperate for gigs, we turned to the dark side that is weddings and parties. Mostly through our relatives, our friend’s relatives and Connie’s Mam’s best friend’s sister (I swear that woman knows fucking everyone). I expected it to be a bit tedious and frustrating - not being able to play our own material - but to be honest, it's taught us a lot and is usually, hella fun.

Connie seems to attract all the tipsy middle-aged women with his cheeky smile, which usually leads to him being dared to flash a bit of skin or give one of them a kiss on the cheek. My permanent scowl, luckily, saves me from the same fate. After a couple of drinks, Eren is always more than happy accept requests, letting his secret affinity for cheesy music run amok, while Marlowe and I would begrudgingly play on. I’d always let Eren take over the mic when that happens. I’ll happily sing some wedding favourites but even I will draw the line at Katy Perry. Though I have to say, a slightly tipsy Eren belting out Roar is a sight to behold. Plus he’d often end up back at the hotel room of one of the bridesmaid’s (or groomsman on a couple of occasions) when the party ended. We all take the piss out of these types of gigs because it’s not what we’d prefer to be doing, but I know if we got offered one, we’d all take it hands down. Oh right, except we still don’t have a goddamn bass player.

“Ugh, I’m bored,” I complain stretching my arms above my head. “You wanna have a kick-about outside?” I ask turning to Connie.

“Yeah okay.” He swings his knees in the air and jumps up from the sofa with all the grace of a clown on a trampoline. “You comin’ Eren?” he asks, striding over and jabbing him in the ass with his foot.

“Fucking hell Connie, ow! Don’t damage the crowd pleaser!” he yells, wiggling his ass at us for good measure.

“You fucking wish Jaeger,” I say, giving him another dig with my Vans and making him yelp. “Come on Con.” I grab my slouchy grey beanie, roll the sleeves back down on my plaid shirt and follow Connie down the hall. Now that Spring is starting to put Winter back in its place, I no longer feel the need to bundle up, but there’s still a bite to the wind. Looking at Connie, however, you’d be forgiven for thinking Summer has arrived early. No matter the temperature, if the sun is shining then you can bet Connie will throw his shorts on. At least they’re dark camouflage today and not some god-awful Hawaiian pattern.

We would rarely choose to have a kick-about if we were at our own place or Eren’s place, but there’s something about Connie’s parent’s house that makes me feel really nostalgic. I can’t count the number of times we’ve done just this – kick a ball that’s seen better days around the drive, laughing when one of us inevitably does something very unathletic. Though thankfully those embarrassing instances have lessened the older we’ve gotten.

“Connie c’mon pass the ball you dick.” I try to sound pissed but my grin is giving me away. The glee on Connie’s face is hysterical.

“No!...Dude I might…actually beat…my record!” he breathes wheezily between thumps of the ball on his foot.

“I’d hardly call 24 keepy-ups a record.”

“23…24…haha! 25 26…27!” he practically squeals, the ball finally hitting the floor. “YES! In your face Jean!”

He’s swinging his leg back, I suddenly realise, with the intent of blasting the ball right at me. I duck out of the way just in time, feeling the breeze of the ball flying past my head. I look up, about to make a smart remark, when I see the colour drain from Connie’s face, his ecstatic expression changing into one of horror.

“Oh my god I am so fucking sorry,” he says gravely, bringing his hands up to his mouth.

Confused, I turn around and am confronted with, frankly, a pretty amusing sight. A guy in a blue denim shirt and black skinny jeans clutching the right side of his face. The left side is wearing an awkward smile and a smattering of freckles. Locks of thick, dark hair hang slightly above his eyebrows. He has a guitar strapped to his back.

“S’alright,” he says meekly and forces a light chuckle. I try really hard to supress my smile.

“Aw shit, you okay? Sorry, that was meant for me,” I say walking towards him to assess the damage done by Connie.

He lets his hand drop from his face and smiles with a bit more enthusiasm, revealing bright white teeth. “Yeah I’m okay. Luckily your ball seems in dire need of an air pump so no damage done.”

“It’s Marco right? Armin’s friend?” asks Connie taking a step forward and stretching out his hand. “Again, I’m so sorry man I didn’t see you there! I’m Connie.”

“It’s fine honestly!” he says breezily and I actually believe him. I mean, I know it was an accident but if a couple of randoms had smacked me in the face with a ball I think I’d be pretty pissed about it. As it was, he genuinely didn’t seem to mind. “Yeah, Marco, Armin’s friend. Nice to meet you Connie,” he replies shaking Connie’s hand. He turns towards me and smiles brightly. It takes me a second to realise he’s offering me his hand next.

“Oh,” I say slightly flustered and finally remember to give him my hand. “Hey. I’m Jean.”

“Good to meet you Jean,” he replies warmly. Usually when people are so nice right off the bat like this I’m immediately distrustful of them. You never know where you stand with ‘nice’ people. Like, people with big cheesy grins and a slightly robotic way of speaking. I just assume they’re closet sociopaths and hiding something really fucked up like a giant collection of ivory dildos or a sexual fetish for oranges or some shit. But Marco didn’t put me on edge like other ‘nice’ people. His genuineness seemed to pour out of him like warm water into a soothing bath – comforting. He said it was good to meet me and I believe him. I quickly decide he's a good guy and I can see myself getting along with him.

“Well come on in,” says Connie,  gesturing for Marco to follow him through the front door. “We’ve got our kit set up in the front room where there’s more space. You can use that amp there,” he points into the room before continuing down the hall. “EREN! Marco’s here!”

Marco and I go through and I have to wonder what he thinks about the décor in here. No-one really uses the front room from what I gather, so it never gets the same attention as everywhere else in the house. One wall is covered in a stuffy looking navy and pink, floral wallpaper - that I’m sure would have been the height of elegance in the 90s. This is the backdrop for a huge, overbearing, white marble fireplace, absolutely stuffed with family photos - younger versions of Eren and I appear on a couple of them with Connie. The opposite wall is a sea of shelves and books, which I've always found weird considering I’ve never seen anyone in Connie’s family so much as glance at a book in all the years I’ve been coming here. A half-hung hammock lies slumped in the corner next to an old office chair with one arm. There’s also a mahogany coffee table (I think they got that when Connie’s Granma passed away) pushed against the wall and a small, canary yellow IKEA sofa. All very random, but if Marco thinks so, he doesn’t let it show on his face.

I watch as he slides the strap off his broad shoulders and unzips the guitar case. He pulls out a deep-red, 5 string Fender Bass. Nice. Really nice. A bit scratched up in places but a good-looking guitar. I reach for the amp lead and pass it to him. “Nice Fender. You had it long?"

“Thanks,” he says, taking the lead from me. “Yeah, it was actually my Dad’s so I’ve had it a long time.”

He smiles but there's definitely something a little off in his expression so I change the subject. “Eren said you used to play in a band. You guys get many gigs?”

His expression brightens a little at that. “Yeah quite a few! There’s a lot of wedding venues in and around Jinae despite its size so we did okay.” Jinae. I remember going on holiday there when I was younger. I vaguely recall there being a beach and I definitely remember a pretty awesome park where I spent a whole day playing games with a bunch of local kids I didn’t even know, my Mam and Dad laughing and joking with the other parents. Makes sense for a nice guy like Marco to come from such a friendly place.

“Oh Jinae? I think I went on holiday there once. Nice place. There’s a beach right?”

“Yeah that’s right,” he replies enthusiastically and I swear his eyes sparkle ever so slightly. “It’s a shame Trost isn’t nearer the coast.” His eyes start to dull as he mulls this over, looking a little wistful. He’s clearly fond of the place and I find myself wondering why he moved. My hand twitches as if it wants to reach out and comfort him but I stop myself. What the fuck are you doing Jean? You just met the guy! The sounds of snickering and shuffling feet coming down the hall snap me out of my musings.

“Hey Marco! Good to finally meet you,” Eren says offering a hand slap in stark contrast to Marco’s earlier polite handshake.

“Yeah you too! Thanks for letting me come along. Armin said it would be fine but I didn’t want to just drop in on you without checking,” Marco replies sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Nah man it’s totally fine. You all set up?”

“Uh, yeah! I’m good to go.” He looks a little caught off guard.

“Okay cool just in your own time man.”

Eren and Connie flop down on the couch as I fold my arms. Marco eyes me nervously, looking from my face to them.

“Oh, I’m good standing man. It feels too much like the fucking X-Factor if we all sit in a row staring at you.” Marco gives an airy chuckle and seems to relax a little bit.

“Yes. You do bare an uncanny resemblance to Sharon Osbourne Connie,” Eren says with the most serious fucking face I’ve ever seen and we all crack up. Marco doubles over his guitar slightly as I throw my head back laughing.

“Fuck off!” cries Connie, laughing as he mercilessly attacks Eren. “That literally makes no fucking sense!” Eren can do nothing but giggle while he’s pummelled. I notice Marco smiling at our stupidness and flexing his fingers, seemingly a lot more relaxed and ready to go now.

“Sorry Marc- Connie quit it!” Eren shoves Connie back onto his side of the sofa. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Marco’s face falls serious, though not nervous, as he looks down at his instrument. Shit. Suddenly I realise I’m nervous. What if he’s shit!? I think I’ve already decided Marco’s the guy we’ve been waiting for all day. All of us seem at ease around him, or at least I know I am. I mean, he’s only been in the house two seconds and we’ve shared a laugh together. Not just an awkward titter but real, throaty laughter. Plus, he's still here despite the fact we smacked him in the face with a ball earlier. What if he's just as bad as the others? Luckily, I don't wait long to find out.

Marco’s strong fingers begin plucking and I’m instantly hit with a vivid memory of myself. Skinny, 15, rummaging through my step sister’s old CD collection, after she’d buggered off to uni, and finding Toxicity. System of a Down…shit, what was the fucking song called?…Aerials! Christ I haven’t heard this in ages. What a tune. But…I feel my stomach drop a little. It’s a bit basic for a bass riff. Could he not have chosen something a bit more impressive for an au-

Oh Shit! Suddenly he switches it up into Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Can’t Stop, his fingers moving double time compared to seconds ago. Then he changes again to Master of Puppets, Love Buzz, Schism, each one blending seamlessly into the next. Fuck. I notice Eren and Connie exchange a look. Next comes Hysteria by Muse. Fucking flawless. Bastard. That song is my Achilles heal. I can never get it perfect, but he does it without missing a note, his black hair bobbing and flopping over his forehead as he gets lost in the music. Oh my god…the battle music from Final Fantasy VII! Out the corner of my eye, I see Connie fucking beaming at me and I duck my head, trying not to grin like an idiot right back at him. I train my eyes back on Marco and notice he’s grinning to himself too (though seemingly oblivious to us) as he finishes off with a snippet of the Pac-Man theme.

I release a breath I don't realise I was holding. He doesn’t suck. In fact he’s fucking incredible. Thank god! He suddenly remembers there's three other people in the room with him and glances up. Awkwardly scratching the back of his neck (a nervous tic of his I guess), he gives us a lopsided smile. Jeez he looks so…modest! A completely different person compared to the assured musician we just witnessed. Connie (as per) is the first one to break the silence.

“Dude that was fucking awesome!” he squawks, jumping to his feet.

“Jesus Connie don’t scare the guy off by jizzing your fucking pants!” retorts Eren. I stifle a snort.

“Oh come on Eren. He’s easily the best we’ve heard all day let’s not beat around the fucking bush,” Connie argues sounding a little irritated. “Marco, seriously man that was great.”

Marco’s eyes are wide as he takes in Connie and Eren’s exchange. “Wow, err, thanks,” he offers with a nervous laugh. Then he glances at me but can’t quite catch my eye, perhaps worried I still haven’t said anything because I disagree. I feel bad for making the guy look so unsure of himself. It’s kind of adorable.

“Yeah,” I smile. “Seriously Marco that was great, and a bit of a relief after some of the horrendous shit we’ve heard today.” He smiles softly and I notice his shoulders melt back down.

“Okay so I think we’re all agreed,” Eren says glancing round at Connie and I. Then he turns to Marco. “We try to practise at least once a week with all of us. Sometimes, if a couple of us are free, we’ll squeeze in an extra one. Wednesday nights are usually best but we pretty much play everything by ear depending on people’s work schedules. That sound good to you?”

“Yeah that sounds great!” says Marco beaming at all of us in turn.

“Awesome. Welcome to The 104th,” grins Eren offering Marco another hand slap.

I smile warmly, entertained by how happy and relieved Marco is. Well, until he looks my way and catches me staring. Way to look like an absolute fucking dork I chastise, blushing as I quickly focus on my feet instead.

“Ugh! Thank god it’s finally sorted!” sighs Connie, throwing his head and arms back against the couch. Then just as quickly, he’s full of energy again. “Right, that’s enough music for today let’s go stuff our faces. There’s still plenty of snacks left and my rents won’t be back ‘til late.” He gets to his feet, with Eren following suit.

“Hey Marco,” I venture. “If you’re not doing anything you’re welcome to hang out for a bit.”

“Yeah,” Connie adds. “My mam always leaves enough to feed a small army when she knows we’re gonna be around. Come help us out.”

“Okay sounds good. Is it okay if I just leave my bass in here?” Jesus, the guy’s so freakin’ polite! I think with a smirk.

“Yeah man no sweat,” says Connie following Eren out the door and back down the hall.

 _____________________________________

 The rest of the night is spent taking turns on Fortnite and working our way through the mountain of treats and finger food we have left. Marco doesn’t stay all evening, but he sticks around long enough for me to know he wasn’t just being polite when he accepted our invitation, and I’m glad for the opportunity to learn more about him. I find out that his mam decided to move here to be closer to his aunties and uncle, and that he lives with her and his younger sister not too far from here. He’s keen to start looking for his own place but wanted to live with his family at first while they all found their feet. He talks about Jinae a lot but doesn’t mention his dad again. I decide not to press the issue.

“Jean here, your turn.” Connie holds the controller out to me.

“Huh? Nah I’m good man you keep it.” I turn back to Marco who’s devouring a bag of Haribo’s like no-one’s business. “So do you work full-time at the coffee shop with Armin?”

“At Bean’s? No I just work there on Saturdays. I’m actually, err, a nursery school teacher the rest of the week.” His cheeks flush a light pink as looks at me, clearly apprehensive about my reaction.

“A nursery teacher!?” I say shocked. And I genuinely am, but then just as quickly, I’m not shocked at all. Marco has such a calm and nurturing aura. I can totally picture him with a bunch of little kids. That big smile of his nearly splitting his face in half as he helps them finger paint or build sandcastles or whatever the hell little kids do these days. He looks a little taken aback by my reaction and I instantly regret it. “I mean…shit. I…sorry I guess I just didn’t expect someone in a band to also work in a nursery. But that’s cool, as long as you enjoy it or whatever.”

His cheeks flush a little deeper but he’s smiling again. “Yeah I really enjoy it actually. The hours aren’t quite full-time though which is why I also work at Bean’s. Kind of different from the nursery but great for meeting people. I didn’t really know many people except my family when we moved but since working at Bean’s, I’ve made a few new friends like Armin.”

“Shit. Must be weird having to start over like that.”

“It was at first but having those two jobs helped me get used to things quickly. Plus living with my family meant I wasn’t coming home to an empty house every day.”

“Yeah I guess. Not sure I could live with my mam again though,” I say with a short laugh. Marco just smiles at me. “Do you get to see your friends from Jinae much?” I ask.

“No not really. I had some close friends from uni but we’ve all kind of moved on to different places so it’s difficult to meet up. Though one of my teacher training friends got a job in a school just outside of Trost, so I’ve met up with him a couple of times since coming here.”

The next hour passes just like that. Marco and I in easy conversation, Connie and Eren occasionally giving their two cents between battles on Fortnite. I feel uncommonly relaxed around Marco and I’m just a little disappointed when he says he has to head off.

“You’ve got all our numbers now right?” Eren asks as Marco stands to leave.

“Yeah got them.”

“Okay well like I said earlier we’re not sure when we’re practising next but it will probably be on Wednesday or Thursday night. One of us will let you know.”

“Oh and we’ll text you the address of the studio too,” Connie chips in.

“Ha! Studio might be a bit of a stretch for a rental space down the industrial end of town Con. Don’t build Marco’s hopes up,” I smirk.

Marco grins. "Okay sounds good. See you guys later in the week then."

“See you!” Eren and Connie reply simultaneously, turning back to the TV.

I follow Marco back down the hall to the front room without really realising what I’m doing. He looks a little surprised too when he notices. “Here mate let me grab that,” I say reaching down to disconnect the amp and pass his bass up to him.

“Thanks Jean, and tell Connie thanks for feeding me. I ate more than my fair share of sweets. Reckon I owe him a few bags,” he laughs lightly, zipping his guitar case up.

“Nah you probably saved us from ourselves. We’d all have been bouncing off the walls on a sugar rush by now if you hadn’t,” I joke heading to the front door.

Marco swings his guitar back over his shoulders as I open the door for him. “Good to meet you Jean. I’ll see you yeah?” He smiles brightly and I can’t help but mirror it.

“Yeah see you at practise.” I stand to the side to let him out of the door.

“K, bye!”

“Bye!”

I watch him walk down the path and give him a quick wave before closing the door. I can hear Connie laughing as I walk back down the hall. “What a fucking noob!” he cries before breaking into hysterics again.

“Alright fuck faces quit hogging the game and give me a controller,” I say climbing over the back of the sofa and obnoxiously squashing myself between the two of them.

“Piss off it’s not our fault you two were nattering like a couple of old biddies at a bus stop,” snaps Eren holding his controller out to the side when I try to snatch it.

“Well someone’s gotta make the new guy feel welcome,” I retort, reaching over Eren and squashing him into the arm of the sofa, determined to get his controller.

“Make the new guy feel wel-? Who are you and what have you done with Jean Kirschtein?” Connie says glaring at me like I’ve sprouted an extra head.

I ignore him, too busy laughing at Eren’s muffled squawks as I sit on him hard, finally prying the controller from his grip.

[soft-deceitful-wiles]

IMPORTANT PSA FOR MY LOVELY FOLLOWERS

Doubt anyones gonna read but whatever...

so, since now its a pretty strong possibility ive lost my oldest and only remaining irl friend (my bff since we where 14 to be exact, we are 30, living prrtty far but relationship hasnt changed in 11 years mostly apart) or at the very least ive damaged our relationship INCREDIBLY

and all because of her ashole, conceited, full of himself boyfriend that i can't stand, accusing me of something i didnt do without even considering any other possibility (cause fuck presumption of inocense apparently?)

and her trying to pacify the situation, and by doing so basically putting herself on his side, and this knowing full well my current mental health state (mandated medical leave due to extreme depression, eating dissorder, high stress levels and extreme anxiety, being heavily medicated) and she's defending/excusing his behaviour after his selfish actions/words about some UNIMPORTANT BULLSHIT (this is all... Prepare yourself... About a piece of costume, a vest, i borrowed from him like 5/6 years ago AT LEAST to make patters out of and he thinks i still have it but i can't find it and im pretty sure i give it back... But he says no cause he can't find it... So its only possible I lost it... He's God's perfect creation an could NEVER have made such a mistake...

And i was already looking into btw even tho hes not my friend and i HATE HIM, cause my BFF already had asked me, but he felt the need to push me AGAIN last night AT 1AM (very polite, writing someone you dont talk to in the middle of the night without kmowing if youll wake them...) insisting about it and making me feel even more guily when he has NO BUSINESS talking to me... We are NOT FRIENS...

he gave me a panic attack last night, barely slept and I've had to overmedicate today to stop from loosing my shit altogether...

Which has never happened like this before...

I right now currently have exactly 0 percent to loose, thanks, you son of a fucking turd pile that thinks himself the best most specialest boy ever...

So, i have more than 600 posts on queue (more people should use it tbh), set to 50 a day, so you will keep seeing me for a while, is just not "me, me".

I'll probably be gone after today. Don't know if ill be coming back this time... dont think so tho

Not that anyone here fucking cares 😂 i just thought it polite so say.

The few notes i usually get (if ANY) on my own posts are pity likes from mutuals 😂 (and even those are appreciated, guys❤️)

But hey, dont say i went without saying goodbye!

You wont notice my absence (like the few days i suddenly stopped posting this past week, and i didnt even had the queue), but ill sure miss seeing you in my dash. Wish i could have tall to you more ❤️

TLDR: my life is shit, i had little, now i dont even had the only good constant in my life since before my mom died (i was 14) who is my bff. Its all asshole boyfriend of bff. Can't do anything cause i love her too much to cause her any pain, so i cant escalate and fuck him up as soon as i seen him like id love to...

So im giving up, starting by abandoning this hellsite (beloved) and abandoning myself to ALL the drugs (legal or not) that i can get my hands on that make me numb until hopefully i get to die all chill during the high of my life... Here's hoping🤞

[blustering-old-fool]

Ooc Vent : all over

I know I'm not a perfect person and I'm very antisocial outside of people I am comfortable with. To go out into public I have to take my anti anxiety meds just to keep from having a panic attack. I had a severe one new years last year just for my parents to realize how bad it was. In the 26 years I've been alive it proved what was happening to me was real but

Now it's been forgotten even after reminders of. I don't like going out in public and I don't like being forced to go places. Apparently my life is measured by how many times I go out in public and post online with 'friends' to live life.

I've tried to have a relationship with my dad, I have. To others I guess it could look like it from the outside but. I've asked him to show me how to do things, just hang out or small stuff or help them when they(the parents) ask. But when I do, it's pushed off to go get car parts in time to get back to their house for me to drive off cause I have work in the morning. Having to put up with constant nick names getting made fun of for the way I talk. Or pictures they edit of me. (I've asked them to stop but it didnt)

To passive aggressive comments or simply not even going and doing things I had planned with them already. So I gave up, I haven't asked for help- money anything from them since the beginning of november.

I asked my dad to take me take me to a concealed carry class to know how to properly use a fire arm because we live in a bad neighbor hood and weeks earlier my sister truck was broken into. But when the day came for us to go it was forgotten and pushed asside for car stuff.

I lost then started a new job and I wanted to know how to weld so I asked him to show me since he had a welder. He agreed and I showed up a 'quick car ride' to pick something up turned to two hours sitting in a car with my mother while he bullshitted with some stranger from Facebook market place about calidascopes and magazines. In time for me to go home to go to bed and go to work the next morning.

I haven't asked for help looking at this truck I'm buying from a co worker because I trust him and (for this story his names j) j started the same time as I did and has done nothing but help and show me how to do things and been patient with me because I will admit I don't know jack about the field I'm in so I'm willing to learn. And he's offered his shop for me to come up and work on the same truck and show me how to replace the drum breaks on it because I don't have those sort of tools avaliable.

Recently before I left for Florida my parents asked my sister and I to help put up a new board around the garage roof edge and we agreed because they're our parents. When doing it (in front of my sisters girlfriend) my dad got angry and started screaming at all of us because we didn't know what we were doing and he wasn't communicating. I had to walk away because I'm a baby I guess and started crying. My mother told me I just needed to let things go and went back out after we had calmed down.

I don't know what to do I'm stuck in a repetitive self loathing loop. I'm sitting here sobbing as I write this

[derealfeelz]

The Infamous Dance Pt. 3 (Kodoku’s Lilacs, The Life of a Flowstar, No. 104)

So I left off when the principal called my mom and I was sent out while they searched through my phone (With my permission, I didn't know about a law for consenting phone searches) This'll be the last of the story since this is basically the end. This is basically the only story I could feel comfortable telling around a campfire, only story really since I'm not really that active outside.

After I was sent out, my mom came in and I think I said hi, she didn't look happy. She went in the office and talked to the principal, Idk what they talked about but yeah. I wasn't allowed to say hi to my friends for some reason, this other lady wouldn't let me. But after a while, I was let back in the principal's office with my mom present in there.

After I was let back in, they wanted to hear some things from me, I remember saying something along the lines of "I was regretful", I wish I could remember. I did apologize, as I felt I should've cause I didn't mean to hit a nerve on him, from a not so serious video for some reason. He said he accepted my apology, and he'd let me either stay at school or go home. They wouldn't tell me what my punishment was and if it was gonna be an in school suspension then, I was going home because I was not gonna stay in the school punished, feeling like my reputation was ruined.

I remember being told that I wasn't supposed to tell my friends, but fuck it, life's short and these friends meant something to me. I remember even expressing that I felt my reputation was ruined, but they reassured me that everything was cool and they knew I didn't know the law at first. And even my mom and family weren't mad at me for it, they thought it was stupid too that I would get in trouble for something like that. It makes me feel comfortable that everyone else had my back when they knew principal did wrong, especially when I had low self esteem and that I was really shy then (Everything's the same still somewhat, I'm not as shy tho).

I remember going to the doctors then the week after (Incident took place right before weekend) because I was coughing badly, and my mom let me stay home for monday and tuesday. After that, I decided to go to school wednesday, and I walked to my class like usual, hoping nothing happens. And then, the principal walks in, says he's gonna take me with him, I asked where and I think he said "Don't worry about it". How tf am I not supposed to worry about it when you got pissed over something that ain't even real lmao, corny asf. The place he was taking me to was the ISS room which is so small, I was starting to feel a little claustrophobic in there.

Before that, he wanted me to hand in my phone, because of ISS, which I decided not to bring in that day in case he searched through it again. He dug through my bag and warned me that if I lied about leaving my phone, he'd take my phone privileges for the rest of the year. Turns out that would be illegal for him to search through my bag too, but I did give consent, I really wish I would've known these types of laws sooner.

Nothing really happened in the ISS room, I was handed papers to write down something like the full date 100 times in cursive or something like that, or I kid you not, one that said "I love being in ISS!", bet he was trying to mock me or something lol. I ain't gonna lie, it felt a little nice writing down stuff, gave me something to pass time. Luckily, in 2nd period, me and a friend (Who decided to take a blame for the team cause of the videos being posted on Insta) were called up and told we could go into our classes. I never felt so fucking relieved when I heard that, I was not going to have a panic attack in such a small room.

Now after this, nothing really happened between me and the principal, we haven't bumped heads with each other into a troublesome situation so far, and I hope to never again. I've heard from my mom that she was apparently lied to on phone, and even in person, although I'll admit I didn't paid attention lol. I also heard from a friend months later that the principal could've sued me, imagine being so pissed that you'd sue a minor for being a kid, I get you'd be embarrassed for the videos, but it's corny you wanna hurt my family, face only me instead as I took responsibilities. Oh well, it's all over and we're in peace, and I hope it stays that way. Goodnight now!

Sincerely, Kodoku.

[willtasker]

Nothing Bleeds Red Enough

(As is the habit of my better, younger writers, I feel putting a trigger warning at the top of this entry is needed, but as I’ve not written it yet, I can’t say what the TW is for. That said: General TW for mental health, suicid*l ideation, and things in that orbit.)

I found out around Thanksgiving that Amanda married someone.

This information limped its rotten way across my path because Tiktok has a really nefarious way of using contact information. They’ve since edited it to look less intrusive, but basically: if your information is in someone’s contact list, the Tiktok app will tell you. That is to say: I no longer had her information in my phone but she apparently still has mine, and her new last name appeared with the axiom “People who have your contact info” (the descriptive in quotes is now changed to “people you may know” - which is much more passive tense).

Some basic math is: the guy she cheated on me with and then left me for is her new husband.

We were on and off, staying in touch over the years because we couldn’t shake the supernatural connection. I would think about her at random, and then she’d email me the next day after having no contact for years. Or I’d email or call her. Back and forth. This would freak her out very badly, and while I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them.

For three years, its a perfect relationship. Everything - everything - worked. Until it didn’t. I had gotten an AirBNB for our anniversary and that night she rolled over and gave me her back. No explanation. The next morning, she dumped me in a coffee shop in Boston with no explanation. I begged her in a text for a reason why.

No explanation.

Some years later, standing outside my father’s house, having found my stepmother dead the night before from a heart attack, she replies.

She loved me but wasn’t in love with me. There was someone else and it was long distance and not stable but was probably for good. She had new and better friends and the support she wanted. She wished me well.

This burned into my mind’s eye much worse than the Death that just entered my life. This was the supernatural, spiritual connection I had mentioned, but used for evil. The timing was entirely too on the nose.

I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them.

It is now the end of 2022. I am not letting go so much as forcing myself to move on. The head tells me to, the heart never lets go. I missed some big benchmarks growing up, like how to forgive myself or how to move on from a break-up, lessons that protect you from life. And I was never told what to do or what to feel when I would open up an old app to find she’d deleted our entire chat/image history while I was asleep.

And now I find out she’d rather fuck someone else than be with me. That all her perfect annunciations over the years amounted to meaningless. That all those years of bonding and sweet words and shared pain and scars and dreams meant nothing.

I’d have had children with her, if she’d asked. And now its obviously better that we hadn’t.

She lived in my head as a paragon of what a partner should be for a very long time. To say I put her on a pedestal isn’t high enough. And for all this heartache, I miss the lie that I believed.

I miss it so much it makes me literally physically ill.

I’ve had a rolling panic attack since the start of December. I had no idea why and couldn’t shake it. I fully believe this news, this update, however ... big a nothing it is, is the reason I’m sleeping 4 hours a night, having premature ventricular heartbeats, unable to sit still. Finally, at 2 in the morning a few days ago, I burst out crying like Claire Danes and it wasn’t nearly long enough, but it was what I needed. And I need more. Release is addictive when all you know is anxiety.

I’ve also spent some of today looking for a new therapist. I haven’t been to CBT in a few years and I think I’m way overdue. I probably need some short term anxiety medication too.

I wouldn’t need any of this if I had her though. And I can still hear her voice in my head and remember how she touched and the smell and pull of her hair and every gentle sigh and look in her face when she found me looking back.

I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them. 

Our one mutual friend hates Amanda now. HATES. Like - no lie - “old Italian woman spitting on the floor if I mention her” hates. She doesn’t hate her ex-husband but she hates Amanda for what she did to me. Calls her a narcissist and a body empty of soul. I somewhat agree; you can’t pull someone this deep into your ocean and then be dispassionate when they drown.

But I fucking miss her.

I hate myself for it too. But I fucking miss her.

I don’t plan on contacting her. I don’t even know if the old email addresses or phone numbers or any of that is still valid and I don’t have any of her social media information. Its better that way because, Lord knows, we use to stalk each other.

But I fucking miss her, you know?

I’ve struggled with suicidal idealization since age 10. My last therapist said it was more that I wanted to be free of misery than to be actually dead. I needed to know I had that way out, or an escape hatch or place to run to if it ever got so bad. And I won’t lie: I am struggling with this again because of her. I’ll likely never act on it, but its also a hard thing to live under. Its a shadow that also paints everything else under it.

And while I have no doubt she’s happy - or at least happier - I also know (not believe, but KNOW) that she still hears that instinctual call we share and that she knows what she’s dragging me though and maybe - just maybe - its keeping her awake at night sometimes too.

I do not believe in supernatural events but I have had experiences that would make other people believe in them. 

She is probably the biggest one of them all.