#and do you ever let them talk about their issues without somehow downplaying them

[snekdood]

its so wild how we regressed and started thinking trans men just like dont experience any significant oppression. literally what world do you guys live in

[charlewiss-writes]

never really over / george russell

masterlist

day 3: rain (part of one-word november prompts!)

summary: the rain had caught you unprepared. luckily, he lived close.

pairing: george russell x reader

warnings: not proofread! italics are memories.

word count: 1k words

"this is over, george" you said, tears pilling up on your eyes. you had been thinking about it for a bit. considering his busy schedule and your job becoming even more demanding, you knew it was time to let your boyfriend go. still, he couldn't see the issue you were presenting him. "why? what did I do wrong, love?"

"you did nothing, george, we've talked about this a million times. I'm slowing you down" and that was the drop that filled the glass. he couldn't fight about this anymore. it wasn't the first time that you had brought this topic up, and even when he reassured you that it wasn't like that, he decided to let it go. if you didn't want to fight for him, why should he? so against his best judgment, he accepted your choice.

even though the decision was one-sided, your breakup was amicably, and you promised to keep the friendship you two had before starting to date. you still maintained contact: the usual messages for birthdays, holidays, when a weekend was especially great for him. you sent the biggest message ever when his move to mercedes was confirmed, knowing how much he worked for this.

still, you needed to take your mind off it, so since your break up, you decided it would be wise to focus on yourself instead. a little morning run, meditation, yoga, and extra steps on your skin care routine became part of your daily basis. today, after being inside your apartment for a bit too long preparing the powerpoint for the next presentation you had at your job, you decided it would be wise to go for a run, so you could stretch your legs and relax your eyesight. it had all been going great, until the first raindrop touched your cheek and suddenly, the sky was falling apart. somehow, you managed to get yourself under a tree to avoid getting even more wet than you already were.

after trying to call everyone that came to mind -your mother, brother, best friend- and finding that all of them were busy, his name appeared on the front of your mind. yeah, you were civil, but hadn't seen eachother since you went to his house to get your stuff back, so you weren't especially excited to find out that george was your main chance to get home safe and, hopefully, without catching a cold.

"I'm so so so sorry george" was the first thing you said to the englishman when he picked up. "what happened, are you okay?" his worried tone caught your attention, but you tried to downplay it right away. "yeah, I'm just stupid. went for a run but the weather had other plans" you huffed, already too embarrassed to ask him the favour. he immediately answered "I'll come pick you up. don't worry, darling. send me the location" he ended the call without hearing your response. 10 minutes later, he was already at the park, putting an umbrella over your head and getting you to his car.

—

"I'm so sorry for taking your time, george" you said in the exact second he got into the car, while he was putting his seatbelt. "it's not a problem, y/n. told you i'll be there for you" he looked at you and smiled, while starting to drive back home. "yeah, for important stuff, not because I got soaked in the fucking rain that came from nowhere" you replied while rolling your eyes, and turned your head to look outside at the window. "actually, it was announced on the weather report" he said laughing. "shut up".

—

unexpectedly, you ended at his house. when entering his place, you were instantly met with the memories it had to offer. gladly, you didn't have time to indulge in them due to george's voice suddenly catching your attention and bringing you back towards reality. "go take a shower. you already know where everything is. i'll give you some comfy clothes so you can warm up a bit, yeah?"

"no no, george, you don't need to"

"no, but i want to. please."

after taking a quick shower, you put on the clothes george had left you in his bed. being the tall giant he was, the clothes engulfed you whole. you smiled when you realised you smelled like him, and again, the memories came black flooding your brain. "hey, do you need someth-" george entered the room without knocking, thinking that you were still in the shower. "whoa, sorry, didn't realise" he said quickly. you smiled softly at his shy reaction. he whispered and you almost missed it "you look... great"

"your clothes always were too big for me" you joked but still, your heart was beating quite fast. you hoped he couldn't hear it, even though you felt it was resonating in your whole body. "but you won't get a cold now that you're warm, yeah? so how my clothes fit you doesn't matter. and still, you look cute".

"shut up, russell, you're making me blush" you said, now avoiding his gaze, afraid that he could figure out just by looking into see eyes how he was making you feel inside. "and why's that?" he cockily said, now taking two steps towards you and into the bedroom. "can you please take me home?

george was now just a few centimetres away, towering over your figure. "fine, I'll drive you. but I want to know something first" he whispered. you gulped and tried to keep your eyes on his, but it was proven to be more difficult with each second that passed. "tell me you don't feel a thing when I'm this close, and we'll act like it never happened". you took your eyes out of him, letting your forehead drop to his chest. "you know I can't do that, george".

"why?"

"you didn't get it at first, but I did it for you" you smiled and caressed his cheek. "you're at mercedes now, accomplishing your dreams, aren't you?" he leaned over your touch. "seeing you happy on track was enough for me. it was never really over, love"

[knuffled]

Just Practice - Chapter 18

it’s finally over. here’s the last chapter. important notes at the end for those that are interested. thank you all so much for your support. it’s been a wild ride, and i’m glad i got to see it through to the end. 

ao3 link

It was perhaps the first time that Annabeth had ever felt nervous standing in front of the Jackson residence. She shifted uneasily on her heels and wiped her palms on her jeans before knocking on the front door. Usually, she felt more at home here than anywhere else in the world, but she felt entitled to a little anxiety given the circumstances. Not long after, Sally opened the front door and showed her inside with a smile.

“Hi, honey. It’s been a while, huh?” Sally said.

Annabeth nodded and offered her a small smile. “Yeah. It has. Things have been pretty hectic lately.”

“Percy told me you were in the hospital for a while. Are you alright?” Sally said, closing the door behind her.

“Yeah, I just injured my leg at a meet,” Annabeth said.

“Oh no, what happened?” Sally asked, furrowing her brow.

“I, um, tore my ACL,” Annabeth mumbled. “It’s still recovering, but I can walk on my own now. It’ll be a while before I can start running again, though.”

“I am so sorry to hear that. I would have visited, but I’ve been out all month doing more of those goddamned book tours,” Sally huffed.

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Annabeth said. “I appreciate the thought though.”

There was a pause and Annabeth looked around the living room without meaning to. Sally gave her a smile and said, “If you’re looking for Percy, he’s upstairs in his room.”

Annabeth flushed and nodded. “Thanks. I’m gonna head on up then.”

“I’ll be taking Estelle out shopping, and Paul won’t be home until later today,” Sally informed her.

Annabeth blinked, somewhat confused. “Oh, alright. I’ll see you later then.”

“You should have plenty of time to yourselves,” Sally said, giving her a knowing look. “I’m guessing that you’ll need it judging by the sorry state that my son has been in the past few weeks.”

Annabeth’s face turned even redder and she nodded and made her way up to Percy’s room. She paused in front of his bedroom door and screwed her eyes and took a deep breath. Annabeth heard him in the shower, which diffused her nervousness before she stepped inside his room.

Percy’s bedroom hadn’t changed much, if at all, over the years. The room was sparsely decorated - almost nothing adorned the cream colored walls. There was still a full sized bed nestled against one corner of the room, draped with a fluffy blanket he hadn’t bothered to fold. Blue curtains framed a window overlooking the willow tree in his backyard, the one they used to climb when they were kids. On the other end of the room was an office chair, piled high with messy clothes, sitting in front of a well worn cherrywood desk. The desk was littered with stray homework papers, half-empty energy drinks, and a bobble head of some athlete Annabeth didn’t recognize.

Annabeth wandered over and looked at the four photos he had taped to the wall above the desk. One of them was with his mother at the beach in Montauk from back when he was a freshman. Another was one of the entire family at an amusement park. There was one with him and all of their friends sitting in front of a bonfire at Piper’s birthday party that past summer. And the final one was one of him with her, his hand thrown carelessly around her shoulder as she leaned into the crook of his neck, a contented smile on her face. The soft look on his face, like she had just hung the moon for him, brought a lump to her throat.

“Annabeth?”

Annabeth jumped back and turned to see Percy standing in the doorway, towel drying his hair. He was wearing an old swim team shirt from middle school and his penguin pajamas. The familiar scent of his body wash clung to his skin, unmasked by the cologne he usually wore. There was a careful expression on his face, like she had caught him unawares.

“H-Hey,” Annabeth said breathlessly.

“I, uh, wasn’t expecting you for another hour,” Percy said cautiously.

“Sorry,” Annabeth said, rocking on her heels. “Should I leave?”

“No, it’s fine,” Percy said quickly. “Why don’t you sit down?”

Annabeth nodded and sat on his bed. Percy rushed over to gather the clothes that had piled on top of the chair and hurriedly stuffed them in his closet. He hung the towel from his open window sill to dry and sat across from her in the office chair.

There was an uncharacteristically nervous look on his face, but it actually comforted Annabeth. She would have felt awkward if she was the only one feeling apprehensive.

“I, um, didn’t see you at school this week,” Annabeth said.

Percy rubbed the back of his neck. “Needed some time off. I haven’t been feeling very good.”

Guilt bubbled in the pit of Annabeth’s stomach. She knew that was her fault, but that he was too nice to tell her that.

She cleared her throat and said, “Sorry to hear that. Are you doing better now?”

Percy breathed a laugh and shrugged. “More or less.”

There was an awkward pause before Percy gestured to her leg. “How’s your knee?”

Annabeth glanced down at it and quickly looked back at him. “Oh, um, it’s fine. I had surgery done a few weeks back and it went well. I’ve started doing physical therapy now, but it’ll still be a while before I can start running again.”

“But you should make a full recovery, right?” Percy asked tentatively.

Annabeth nodded and stared down at her lap, playing with her fingers. “Yeah, the doctors said there shouldn’t be any issues since it was only a partial tear, but we won’t know for sure until I finish therapy.”

“That sounds like good news,” Percy said carefully.

Annabeth mustered a smile and said, “Yeah. About as good as I could hope for anyways.”

There was another brief pause and then Annabeth said, “I, um, also talked to the coach at Berkeley and told him about my injury.”

Percy’s leg bounced up and down. “And what did he say?”

“Well, he wasn’t happy about it,” Annabeth began. “But they’re not rescinding my scholarship.”

Percy made to move out of his seat and give her a hug, a grin splitting across his face, before he thought better of it and sat back down. A crushing sensation formed in the hollow of her chest as his grin waned into a sheepish smile.

“That’s wonderful, Annabeth,” Percy said softly. “I’m sure that’s a huge relief-”

“I’m sorry for how I acted at the hospital,” Annabeth blurted.

The smile slid off Percy’s face, but Annabeth powered through anyways. “You were only trying to help, and I lashed out at you for no good reason. That was awful of me, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for that.”

Percy nodded in a clipped manner and said, “Apology accepted.”

Annabeth was surprised that Percy hadn’t tried to downplay the whole thing by saying it wasn’t a big deal. A lump formed in her throat - her words must have cut deeper than she realized.

“It really hurt, hearing all that, but you had every right to say it,” Percy continued.

Annabeth shook her head and said, “No, I- I was just being cruel.”

He offered her a strained smile and shrugged helplessly. “You were still right though. About all of it. There’s no excuse for me not telling you about Kara, for hiding so much from you.”

Annabeth pursed her lips and resisted the urge to argue with him.

Percy hunched forward in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair violently. “I’ve been thinking about it non-stop, trying to figure out why I did that, but I still don’t really get it. I want to tell you, so badly, but there’s a part of me that just can’t. It’s really fucking frustrating and confusing.”

He paused and exhaled forcefully. “Honestly, the only thing it’s made me realize is how fucked up I am.”

The pain and bitterness in his voice tore up Annabeth inside. “That’s not true.”

“It is,” Percy said, shaking his head insistently. “I wish I could just show you somehow. Make you understand-”

“Percy, good person,” she stressed. “Maybe you can’t see it, but I can-”

“Well, you don’t actually know me,” Percy snapped.

Annabeth must have looked as devastated as she felt because Percy’s eyes immediately swelled with guilt and repentance.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” he said quietly.

“No, you’re right,” Annabeth admitted shakily. “I don’t really know you. I thought I did, but I was wrong.”

“That’s not your fault,” Percy insisted. “I’m just- it’s fucking impossible for me to ever let anyone actually see me.”

Then who have I been seeing this entire time?

The thought hung heavily in her mind but she forced herself to ignore it. Still, she found it hard not to let despair swallow her whole. She couldn’t help thinking about how Reyna had said that at a certain point, you had to accept that there was really nothing that you could do. She was clearly out of her depth here. Honestly, she stood a snowball’s chance in hell of actually saying something helpful.

She sat there in silence and watched the conflicted look on Percy’s face. His lips were pressed in a thin line and his eyes shone with focused intensity, like he was at a swim meet. If this was only going to cause him so much pain, she never should have told him she wanted to talk. At the same time, she couldn’t help feeling like she needed to do something for him. Whatever he was holding inside was clearly eating at him. She couldn’t just leave it alone and act like it wasn’t her problem. Percy never would have done so if their roles were reversed.

Percy surprised her by punching his leg in frustration and releasing a shuddering exhale before he looked at her and spoke.

“No- No matter what, I can’t help thinking this all points back to Gabe.”

Annabeth furrowed her brow. “Your step-father?”

Percy nodded and said, “I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. It’s weird, but he’s wrapped up in all this. I just know it.”

Annabeth dug her fingernails into her palms. Percy never talked about Gabe, but Annabeth had more than an inkling of what he did - how some days Percy came to school with a sullen look, wincing when he sat down, and gingerly probed parts of his body when he thought nobody was watching; days when he hardly smiled or even said a word to her and she would wordlessly slide him her homework at lunch to copy.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Annabeth said.

Despite what Piper said about needing to press Percy, Annabeth knew there were some wounds that were better left untouched.

Percy balled his hands into fists and shook his head. “No, I have to. Otherwise, I’ll lose you for good.”

Annabeth’s heart squeezed in her chest, so she took his hands in hers and said, “Look Percy, I don’t want to pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. It’s fine if there are things you can’t talk about. You have nothing to prove to me. No matter what, you’re still my best friend, and you’re never going to lose me. Okay?”

“Really?” Percy asked quietly.

The way his voice sounded, raw and bleeding, made self-loathing fester in the pit of her stomach.

“Yes, really,” Annabeth said tersely. “I’m so sorry that I forced you into a corner like this. I was wrong about what I said at the hospital. I did something terrible to you.”

“Don’t say that, Annabeth,” Percy said tightly. “It’s not your fault. At all. You’ve been nothing but endlessly patient with me. I- I’m just not strong enough.”

Annabeth shook her head. “You’re the strongest person I know, but you don’t have to do this all on your own. There’s probably not a whole lot that I can do to help, but at least I can help share your burden and listen.”

Percy was quiet for a minute before he looked at her with a hard gaze. “Are you sure about this? It’s not a very fun story to listen to.”

“Yes,” Annabeth said immediately.

“If it ever gets to be too much, let me know,” Percy said sternly.

Annabeth took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “Don’t worry about me. I’m here for you.”

Percy exhaled forcefully and nodded before staring down at his lap. A minute or two passed before he was ready to speak again, and Annabeth could see conflict and pain swirl in his eyes like whirlpools of emotion.

“He was nice at the start, you know?” Percy said quietly. “He wasn’t all that bad the first few months after they got married. Sometimes he’d get me some candy on his way home from work. Teach me how to throw a baseball. Normal stuff like that. But then, at some point, things changed. Still can’t figure out why. Like, was he just hiding how awful he was the entire time or did something change in him? Guess it doesn’t matter now.”

He paused for a moment and said, “The first time I remember him hitting her, I was eight years old. He was really tearing into me about getting in trouble at school, telling me how much of a fuck up I was, how I was a stupid kid who couldn’t do anything right, and mom defended me.”

“At some point, he got so pissed he chucked a plate at my head and barely missed. It shattered on the wall and gave me this,” Percy said, tugging down his shirt sleeve to reveal the crescent shaped scar on his shoulder.

Annabeth traced the scar with trembling fingers and tried to stomach the nausea and rage she felt brewing inside her.

“Mom went ballistic after that, but that just pissed him off,” Percy said slowly. “Gabe hit her so hard her head hit the wall and started bleeding. You can still see the dent downstairs in the living room. Then, he grabbed me by the hair and forced me to look at her, crumpled on the floor. I can still remember the stink of cheap cigarettes on his breath and him whispering in my ear, ‘This is all your fault, kid.’”

“Christ,” Annabeth whispered.

“Yeah, I know right,” Percy said, smiling wryly. “And that’s just one story - I have hundreds of them. Like, remember how I forgot my field trip form to the zoo in 5th grade?”

When Annabeth nodded, Percy said, “Well, they had to send me home because there weren’t any teachers at school that day. Mom was at work, so Gabe had to pick me up. He was super pissed that I made him miss his poker game, so he was bitching at me the entire ride home. At some point, I snapped and told him to fuck off. Next thing I know, he punches me in the stomach so hard that I puked all over the floor of his Camaro. Of course, that only made him even angrier, so he beat the shit out of me and made me clean up the mess.”

Annabeth tried to keep her voice steady. “Tell me you told somebody.”

Percy smiled humorlessly and said, “And who would I tell? My mom? The woman working three jobs, married to an abusive piece of shit that hits her, with a kid who only ever seems to fuck up at school and embarrass her? No, she had enough on her plate as it was. I couldn’t add more.”

“Then the teachers-”

“Annabeth, you remember how it was for me in school. The teachers hated me,” Percy said bitterly. “To them, I was just a trouble-maker. How could I turn to them? And besides, even if I did, what good would it do? Gabe would just deny it and take it out on me or mom later.”

Percy leaned back in his chair and sighed. “Eventually, I just got used to it. He was smart about it too. Always made sure my mom wasn’t around and that the wounds wouldn’t show anywhere someone might see. And over time, it just become something normal, and I got used to never telling someone about it.”

He paused for a moment and clutched at the fabric of his shirt, over his stomach. “Even telling you right now is like physically painful for me. Like my stomach is in knots and every cell in my body is telling me to run. A part of me keeps whispering, no matter how much I try and ignore it, that I’m not allowed to ask for help, that I- that I deserve this because it’s my fault.”

Annabeth took a sharp inhale and bit her quivering lower lip to keep from crying. She had always known Percy had had a troubled life, but she had never expected that it would be this horrific. He was the best person that she knew and he deserved so much more than this. It was profoundly unfair and tragic and wrong and she didn’t know how to fix it or if it was even possible to fix it.

“None of that was your fault, Percy,” Annabeth said tersely. “He was a sick, twisted piece of shit, and you shouldn’t believe a single word that came out of his mouth.”

“I’ve been telling myself that for the past five years, Annabeth, but there’s some part of me that doesn’t believe it,” Percy said softly. “That fucked up shit he did and said to me is still there, rattling around in my head, and I can’t make it stop.”

He balled his hands into fists. “He sort of beat into me that I was responsible for everything. It was always my fault because I was a bad kid or a fuck up. And he was kind of right too. Mom was having such a hard time back then and I never made things easier for her either, always getting into trouble at school. I tried to be a good kid. I really did. It just wasn’t ever good enough. I just kept letting people down and that hasn’t ever stopped.”

Before Annabeth could interject, he looked at her and said, “You asked me at the hospital why I never told you about Kara. The truth is that I hate myself for being so shitty to her. Like, I drove her into a corner and made her feel so insecure and alone that I forced her into cheating on me. I should’ve been a better boyfriend to her-”

“Percy, what Kara did was her own decision,” Annabeth interrupted. “Maybe you could have done a better job, but you can’t force someone to cheat on you. Kara even admitted that it was her fault and said she wanted to apologize to you for it.”

He stared at her for a few beats and a myriad of conflicted emotions flashed in his eyes before he shrugged noncommittally and turned away. Annabeth ground her teeth together and moved off the bed before she even realized what she was doing. She framed his face with her hands and forced him to look into her eyes.

“Listen to me, you are a good person,” Annabeth said tightly.

Percy averted his gaze. “I’m really not, Annabeth. I’m just trying to make up for the fact that I’m- well, me.”

“And I’m telling that it’s okay not to be perfect! Because that’s the standard you’re holding yourself to! We all hurt and let each other down, Percy. That’s fucking normal!” Annabeth fumed.

“What’s the fucking point if nothing ever changes?” Percy shouted, his voice cracking. “I try and try and try, and I still keep hurting the people I care about, and I’m just- I’m so fucking sick of it, Annabeth.”

“People hurt each other all the time, Percy, sometimes just by existing! You’re looking at a prime fucking example of that,” Annabeth shouted, jabbing a thumb at herself.

“Like, how many times have I hurt you through my own carelessness? And yeah, it breaks my heart sometimes knowing how awful I’ve been to you, but I’m trying to be better because you’re the most important person in the world to me and I don’t want to lose you. And I learned that from you! Because isn’t that what you’ve always done? Tried to be better?” she demanded.

At this, Percy was silent, and Annabeth sat back on the bed, sighing. “That’s what actually matters, Percy: the fact that you’ve never stopped trying. You don’t always have to nail yourself to the cross anytime you fail.”

There was a pause before Percy quietly said, “I- I don’t know how not to.”

“Well, it starts by acknowledging that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes,” Annabeth said, softening her voice. “Your mom once told me that you would rather put yourself in pain to ease someone else’s suffering, that you feel responsible for how others feel. Like, I know that Gabe was the one that taught you that, but that’s really fucking unhealthy. You need to see a professional therapist or counselor to help you process all the shit he put you through and teach you a better way to handle it.”

“And what if that doesn’t work? What if it’s too late to help me?” Percy asked.

“Then we’ll figure it out when the time comes,” Annabeth said, repeating what he had told her at the hospital.

“I’m not sure I’m worth all that effort,” Percy said tightly.

“Well, I’m your best friend and I think you’re the sweetest, kindest boy there ever was and that you’re worth the whole world,” Annabeth said.

She thought he would argue with her again, but she was surprised when Percy scrunched up his face and looked away from her, blinking back tears. He rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and nodded with a sniffle. Her heart welled up inside her chest and she felt a sense of fond exasperation rush through her, making her smile to herself.

Oh, you dumb, stupid boy.

“Thank you,” Percy mumbled.

Annabeth shook her head, even though he couldn’t see her. “There’s nothing to thank me for.”

It was a while before he looked at her again, and when he did, he looked up at her shyly through his stupidly long eyelashes.

“D-Did you mean what you said in the hospital?” he whispered.

“Hmm?”

Percy’s face turned a gentle shade of vermilion. “Um, about being in love with me?”

Annabeth’s face turned serious. “Yes. I should have chosen a better time, but I meant it. One hundred percent.”

“Oh.”

She couldn’t help the way her lips curled upwards. “That’s all you have to say to me? ‘Oh’?”

Percy’s face turned even redder. “Um, I’ve been dreaming about this moment for like seven years, so you’ll have to forgive me for the fact that my brain is kind of fried right now.”

Annabeth raised an eyebrow and tried not to look smug. “Seven years, huh? That is a long time to hold your peace.”

“In my defense, you always hated it when people said anything about us dating, so I tried to kill off that part of myself and fully commit to just being friends,” Percy said.

“I’m sorry about that,” Annabeth said seriously. “I must have hurt you a lot.”

“It was painful,” Percy admitted. “But I was happy enough staying by your side.”

“The whole fake dating thing was super tone deaf then on my part, huh?” Annabeth said quietly.

“I should have refused, but I couldn’t help myself,” Percy said, grimacing. “I wanted to pretend, even if it was just for a little while, that you actually liked me back. It was a pretty bad idea, but I even tried dropping a bunch of hints since I couldn’t tell you how I felt, in the hopes that it might change something, I don’t know.”

“Well, it wasn’t all bad,” Annabeth said. “It got me to realize a whole bunch of things. Without that whole fiasco, I don’t think we’d be where we are right now.”

Percy cleared his throat and said, “And where is that exactly?”

Annabeth sat up straighter and folded her hands on her lap. “Well, for starters, I’d like to start dating you. For real this time.”

“Are you sure?” Percy asked, furrowing his brow. “We’ll have to be long distance once the fall rolls around.”

“I’m sure,” Annabeth said firmly. “Besides, we’ll be in the same state.”

“Would be nice if we were closer instead of on opposite ends,” Percy said, sighing.

Annabeth shrugged and said, “It’s a five hour and forty-two minute drive, so not all bad.”

“And you know that off the top of your head?” Percy asked, grinning.

“I, um, checked on Google maps.”

Percy gave her a smarmy look and raised an eyebrow. “Hmm, so you came here today planning expecting to ask me out, huh?”

Annabeth shoved him and bit back a smile. “I checked back in December, you jerk.”

Percy made a show of wincing and said, “Alright, alright, take it easy.”

There was a pause before Annabeth folded her arms over her chest and said, “You still haven’t properly answered me, by the way.”

“I thought it went without saying that I would say yes,” Percy said, blinking.

Annabeth’s face turned a little pink. “I- I still want to hear you say it.”

Percy ducked his chin for a moment and looked at her shyly. “Yes, I would love to go out with you.”

Her heart beat a little faster in her chest and exhilaration washed through her. “Nice.”

Percy blinked for a moment and nodded sagaciously. “Yes, nice.”

Annabeth shoved him again and ended up tackling him off his chair and fell on the floor with him. He wrapped an arm around her and laughed, and the sound reverberated through his skin and warmed her right through her bones. They lay like that for a while, tangled in each other, while he played with her hair.

Eventually, she looked up at him and cleared her throat. “So what happens next?”

Percy raised an eyebrow. “Why are you asking me?”

“You’re the one with all the dating experience,” Annabeth protested hotly.

Percy tried for a shrug and said, “Beats me. We could go get some celebratory shakes at Martha’s maybe?”

When Annabeth was quiet, he looked down at her and said, “Did you have something else in mind?”

“Well, um, if you were open to it, I would like to kiss you now,” Annabeth mumbled.

A beat passed before Percy bit back an enormous grin. “Sounds agreeable to me.”

“Don’t make me deck you again,” Annabeth warned.

“Alright, you absolute terror.”

“Dullard.”

“Always so mean, Chase.”

“Shut up, Jackson.”

“Are we gonna kiss or what?”

“You’re supposed to be the one leading, dumbass. I’ve never done this before, remember?”

“Okay well, for starters, don’t bash your nose into mine like that.”

“Oh my god, I actually hate you.”

“What you have a problem with the way I’m ‘leading’?”

“Just shut up and kiss me, you idiot.”

“Alright, no need to get so testy.”

....

“Okay?”

“U-Um, yeah. Could we, uh, do it again? You know, just for practice?”

“Sure. Just for practice.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Just so you know: it’s too late for take backs.”

“Too late?”

“Yeah, way too late.”

....

“I love you.”

“I know. Now, can we go back to the kissing, please?”

....

“You’re not gonna break my heart, are you, Annabeth Chase?”

“I won’t.”

....

“And I love you too.”

[bpdanakins]

i just infodumped to my friends about bpd anakin and i have No Regrets snakjdkajfsk

anyway, doth thee have any more bpd anakin (or just anakin in general) headcanons becuase i am living for this

I am So Sorry this took so long, but hopefully the length makes up for it. Thank you so much for sending this to me bc BPD!Anakin is my entire life. I could talk about it all day, every day.

I’d like to thank @apple-grass-and-smiles for helping me organize my Thoughts on all of this, prompting me to focus on certain things and giving me feedback in general too. 

Okay, here goes:

Anakin fidgets!! I’m not even sure if this is a headcanon but if it is I will die on this hill. He can’t stay still for the life of him and doubly so when he’s anxious, nervous or Ready To Do Something Already. 

We know Anakin can’t hold eye contact to save his life when he’s upset or insecure, but I can also see him having issues with touch when he’s upset, unless it’s from certain people only (Padmé always gets a pass, for example).

Anakin’s quick to let some small stuff go, but larger things people do that hurt him (whether intentionally or not) aren’t really ever forgotten, and he just kind of takes that in and suppresses it, until random moments when it pops up, he remembers, and it just hurts like it’s happening all over again. The people around him often have no idea what fully sets him off, bc to them, his reaction now seems out of nowhere while his mind’s still stuck on this other thing.     - His reactions also seem sometimes like they’re Over The Top, but even just remembering past hurts can feel almost disabling at times. It’s worse when he ends up ruminating on it, because the hurt and feelings of betrayal just keep building up over and over until it almost blots everything else out.

When he’s happy or surrounded by those he loves, everyone kind of can feel it too, bc he’s just fuckoff powerful in the Force and esp other Force sensitives kind of gather around his space and just… his affection and excitement are literally infectious. 

This probably runs closer to ADHD than BPD for sure, but get him talking about anything mechanical (robotics, engineering, racing, etc) and he will go from 0 to 100 so fast you’d get whiplash. No one minds though bc, as I said, his excitement is infectious and honestly those around him just adore listening to him go off even though half of it goes over their head.     - Ahsoka may not ever get Gotta Go Fast, but she definitely loves it when he really talks her ear off about all this stuff, bc it makes her excited to learn and she picks up on all of it easily. (There’s a part of her that wants to emulate him and she does def look up to him obviously.)     - We see it with Obi-Wan, but people love to use his love of all things mechanical as a way to distract him from things that upset him. It doesn’t always work but they try.

With Obi-Wan, he ends up on the side of Anakin’s splitting like, all the time. And unfortunately sometimes Obi-Wan can’t tell that Anakin’s lashing out not because of something Obi-Wan’s actually done, but bc Anakin’s young and Obi-Wan’s the figure he can project a lot of his frustrations on.     - It can lead Obi-Wan to being confused and hurt sometimes, bc he doesn’t always understand Anakin’s thought processes when this happens, and it definitely sometimes cuts him to the core. On the reverse side, though Anakin might not always say it to his face, Obi-Wan definitely can overhear him at times when Anakin’s ready to 1v1 anyone who even so much as makes a frowny face about Obi-Wan, which helps Obi-Wan remember that Anakin does love him too, actually.     - It ends up being one of the points of frisson between Anakin and Mace, bc Anakin can’t read body language perfectly, especially when it comes to feelings of abandonment or someone seemingly not loving who Anakin loves to the same degree. Mace has a drier sense of humor at times and defs has a more resting frowny face, and this rankles Anakin at times bc he can’t always tell when Mace is just chilling vs being disappointed, and while Anakin will take it all personally, he ALSO takes any perceived criticism to those he loves personally too.     - Both Mace and Obi-Wan don’t get this bc they have a perfectly fine relationship. Anakin’s just Like That.     - (And super overprotective of people’s perceptions of Obi-Wan. Anakin will go off about Obi-Wan being mean and all that, but fuck you and your entire family tree if you ever even think Obi-Wan’s anything short as the most amazing Jedi to ever Jedi.)

Everybody and their mother can see the pedestal Anakin puts Padmé on, and surprisingly she rarely is on the end of his splitting. When he does, he just internalizes it bc he can’t stand the idea that he’s somehow seen her in a wrong light, or he feels guilty for getting angry with her.     - He also defines a huge chunk of his life around loving her, making her his center for a lot of his decisions and reactions, so when they’re off, his whole world seems backwards. It makes him Really uncomfortable and unsure. He gets panicky and upset and often people have no idea what the cause is so they just end up a lil panicky in return.     - He tends to take it out on others, by doing an exercise or by disappearing to fiddle with something.     - Pads has an easier time recognizing Anakin’s emotional needs, bc in some ways they’re the same as hers. She’s good at reaching out to him, comforting him and reassuring him of her love. And in turn, he like, never fucking shuts up about how much he loves her, and those moments are what make her feel so special around him. Being loved by Anakin makes someone feel important and even get tingly, bubbly happy feelings, because it’s hard to doubt it sometimes.     - There’s a part of her that sometimes worries about how Intense he is, but, like I said, when his positive intense emotions are focused on you, it feels wonderful. And he’s genuinely super sweet and gentle, and she appreciates that, when she tells him to back off about something, he’ll listen to her wishes. (I’m using movie Anakin as my base here bc TCW!Anakin in this regard is just…. bad y’all lmao)

Anakin’s anxious about Ahsoka All The Time. He’s afraid he’s a bad teacher, he’s afraid he’ll mess her up somehow, he’s afraid he’ll hurt her or she’ll get hurt, and that’s why he can’t stand the idea sometimes of her being on her own. It’s not a lack of trust in her abilities, but because he feels responsible for her, and that’s why he’s always ready to put himself between her and literally anything that could potentially hurt her. (Even if it’s not a physical threat.)     - There are times she finds this amusing and times this makes her angry, but mostly she is long suffering. There are times she appreciates it though, bc she’s still a kid and isn’t always sure which way is up, especially when in a war. Anakin is often a cornerstone for her, and though she’d literally NEVER admit it, his overprotectiveness can sometimes be a reassurance. She knows she can handle herself just fine, but when she has an inkling of doubt, she’ll remind herself that Anakin will be there, and then go and take care of the problem herself.     - She doesn’t always get his moments where he’s not always falling over himself to talk Obi-Wan up or go out of his way to sass at him. To her, they have a wonderful relationship and she rarely notices when Obi-Wan might say something that pokes at Anakin wrong, so she often just winds up ???? when Anakin is huffy or annoyed with her grandmaster.     - She sees Anakin’s anger issues a little more easily than others, and she worries about it but always brushes it off or downplays it, bc she always sees why he’s angry, and also always just assumes (like everyone else) that he can Handle It.     - Anakin’s recklessness and impulsivity are some of her favourite things about being his padawan. He’s literally never boring to be around, and Ahsoka needs that sort of excitement to sometimes push aside the knowledge that she’s literally in a warzone. Anakin’s also really good at doing this intentionally; he’s literally always worrying after her, and all he wants to do is take care of those he loves and make them happy, so sometimes he’ll be Extra just to get under her skin or distract her and honestly this is the basis of where their playful competitions always come from.

If Ahsoka is long suffering, Rex is doubly so. Sometimes it’s all he can do to keep up with Anakin and Ahsoka, but he appreciates Anakin “thinking outside the box”. He also appreciates knowing that Anakin is just as loyal to him and his men as he himself is (well… Anakin is until he isn’t lmao)     - Rex, like Pads, is really good at picking up Anakin’s moods and even trains of thought, so he’s always able to work around that, or even see where Anakin’s mind is going when coming up with a plan. They make a really good team bc while Anakin can jump from one idea to another without them seemingly correlated, Rex immediately follows Anakin’s leaps and they just end up in sync.     - That being said, Anakin can be really confusing at times. His moods are often so all over the place, that Rex generally has no idea what tf is going on. He deals with it by learning to be calm when Anakin’s unable to, and just ride out Anakin’s worst moods until they pass by, learning not to let it all phase him. Anakin lowkey hates it when he’s upset, but once the worst of it passes, he really appreciates that Rex will just… not press like Obi-Wan, or balances out the moments Anakin’s mind is so cluttered by instead just keeping a good focus on things.

Probably everyone’s most baffling symptom of Anakin’s is his paranoia. Obi-Wan kind of sees it the most, because Anakin is always testy with the Council and often feels put on the spot, dismissed and looked down upon. To everyone else, they don’t get where Anakin’s ideas come from, bc everything seems chill on their end. His fretting about others’ well-being is straightforward enough, but his instant panic-turned-anger shift when he receives any criticism (especially the perceived type) always gives people whiplash. It’s hard to keep up with, hard to see what it was that got to him so much, and hard to know how to help (particularly when they’re worried that trying to help him will feel like “taking sides”).     - Ahsoka takes Anakin’s POV of the Council pretty easily, at least when it comes to him. This is mostly bc she’s not there when there’s a meeting or tension around them, nor was she there when Anakin first arrived, so she just assumes they must genuinely often have issues with him too. She doesn’t see it to the extent Anakin does though, but she recognizes that sometimes he seems to blow things out of proportion when he’s upset, and figures it’ll just blow over once he’s calmed down.     - Pads, on the other hand, is always kind of aware of Anakin’s fears of losing her. He often not-so-subtly looks for reassurances that she loves him and won’t leave him, that she’s feeling alright or not angry/annoyed with him. She chalks it up to his trauma with his mother (and she’s partially right), so even when sometimes it gets on her nerves that he seems to doubt her so much, she tries to remind herself of that and let it go. 

Those closest to him can pick up that Anakin tends to see the negative in things, and is generally really hard on himself. They try to help out by giving praise where it’s due and just overall Being There, but it’s Rough to know they often don’t get through. (Palps, on the other hand, knows how to weaponize this.) 

The saddest part is that I don’t think anyone once thought Anakin was Seriously Ill, partly out of ignorance, partly bc they assumed it had to do with his age/upbringing, and partly bc, eventually, everyone was dealing with trauma and even if someone wanted to send Anakin back to the Temple to have a nap or something, they legit couldn’t bc there was a war going on and he also would never have tolerated it at that point in time.     - Obi-Wan’s the one who worries about all of this the most, because he’s always felt such a huge responsibility for Anakin and loves him a lot, he’s just never fully been able to understand how to get on the same wavelength as Anakin.     - Anakin, too, actually never fully figures out that there is something Going On. Everything’s always overwhelming him and even though he prefers doing things at 100mph, sometimes it seems like there is Too Much going on, and even during peace times it just felt like he couldn’t keep up with everything. He hates internal reflection but also can’t stop overthinking about everything, and so he just ruminates and goes in circles and often just ends up going nowhere when it comes to dealing with things. He tries his hardest all the time, he is ALWAYS trying, but doing stupid stunts, fighting droids, making robots and speeding everywhere all the time is truthfully only a bandaid.     - Being surrounded by those he adores and receiving affection from them/seeing them happy boosts his mood a lot but he doesn’t have enough self-awareness to guess at why his happier moods just won’t last.     - Sometimes he can figure out when he’s being irrational and then just takes it out on himself, which only exacerbates his bad episodes. 

Palpatine doesn’t help. He’s abusive, manipulates Anakin all the time and is the Worst and definitely makes everything Anakin is struggling with harder and I think we should all just punt him into a sun thank you this isn’t a headcanon I just want everyone to know how much I hate him

[umflowers]

Hello! I was genuinely wondering.... About Nico Rosberg, what do you mean with 'he uses coded language to be racist towards lewis'? I don't know lots of things, could you explain to me, please?

hey there! i don't know how commonly used the term coded language is for what i'm describing, it's a term i picked up from my husband when he talks about it, but let me give examples instead, if i may? i feel i should also note that i'm white and would absolutely welcome the thoughts of people of color. i'm from the u.s. and of course american football is big here. commentators, the media, etc, when talking about players, will usually fall into talking about how the white players "know the playbook well", their work ethic and "dedication to the game", etc, and if one is fast they call them "deceptively athletic." when talking about black players they refer to their physical strength, their "instincts for the game", their speed/athleticism, etc. it's a way of implying that white players are intelligent and work hard to reach their competitive level, while black players are somehow inherently physical and gifted, and can rely on natural ability without having to put in effort - which, of course, downplays their intelligence and hard work, and relies on racial stereotypes dating back to chattel slavery and beyond. while harmful in and of itself, this mindset is also costly in direct ways - until recently, black quarterbacks (the player who throws the football) were rare, because it's considered a position that requires intelligence. even now, white quarterbacks that have been mediocre at best their entire careers are more likely to be given another chance than a black quarterback who had one bad season, or who were stellar in previous years and have just lost a step. likewise, black head coaches are very rare, because coaching is considered to require intelligence. it's quite prevalent in football/soccer as well, and also in baseball, though baseball has its own issues with a shortage of black players, so the coded language there is often directed at players from cuba, south and central america, and the dominican republic. in addition to nico's statement about how lewis' competitors can attempt to gain an edge over him, he'd also talked about how hard schumi worked and how he'd practice constantly if he could, while lewis is just somehow ~magically fast~ and barely ever practices, and people used to make those comparisons between nico and lewis as well when they were both driving. i found this article on the issue worth reading, though it's about american football. this one is also good, and is about football/soccer. in terms of lewis, specifically, it's a more lowkey (aka coded) way of spewing the same narrative that it's "just the car" - downplaying his intelligence, hard work, and dedication to his craft. i did my best to try to cover the big points, but if anyone has anything to add please do feel free, and i’m sorry if i left out anything important. <3

[dangan-meme-palace]

Do you find Saihara's characterization weird in chapter 6? Because I do :( He's become super confident, optimistic, and leader-like too fast, especially if you compare to ch5 and before...I understand that in the last chapter all protags get pumped up to end the killing game but...he's quoting Momota and he also developed a 'hunch' like him...even Harukawa says 'sometimes you're so much like Kaito' pls no I like Saihara the way he is, meaning, not like Momota :( but that's just my opinion! ^^

Shuichi's characterization is all over the place. It's not even like... "he's inconsistent because humans are inconsistent" or whatever, it's literally just that his personality changes whenever the narrative needs it to without anything but loose, barely-there excuses to try and justify why it happens.

Chapter 1:

No problems with believing in his detective work, he's actually quite shockingly confident in them for how much he downplays them.

His actual problem is not thinking his skills are where they should be according to professional standards, which is an accurate assessment if the rest of the game is anything to go by actually.

Calls Kaito a reckless idiot for doing something reckless and idiotic. This is the only time he does this.

Learns a lesson?? I guess?? The lesson was apparently supposed to be "don't be afraid to reach for the truth" but it came off more like "you shouldn't let everyone die just because you liked Kaede the most, picking favorites and having bias is bad because you have a duty to remain unbiased so everyone doesnt die"

Then everyone conveniently forgets that he was willing to let them die.

Chapter 1 was the best for his characterization except for the trial. I wish he had acted like this throughout the entire game.

Let him investigate. Dear god why doesn't the detective investigate, or even cast doubt?

Chapter 2:

Kaito is starting to become his Bro now. He's not super biased like in later chapters, but you can start to see it happening.

This is the chapter where he tells everyone not to let their biases get in the way of logic, which is funny considering what he's like in other chapters.

Big sad about Kaede, but a few of the characters (Ryoma, Tenko) comfort him so he's choosing to turn this tragedy into a growth moment. I guess it's kinda like what Chihiro did, except a girl had to die for it and he didn't get brained with a dumbbell at the end.

He's the nicest to everyone in this chapter. Don't worry, it won't last long :)

If he had kept the weird sort of optimism he had during this chapter plus the logical thinking instead of leaning into the angst he might've actually developed and Kaede's death might've been worth a damn.

Chapter 3

Maki gets the spotlight so there's not much to say except for the fact that he's gotten super awkward and is getting progressively dumber.

Honestly Maki is kind of right when she keeps calling him a dumbass for asking questions with very obvious answers.

Literally how the fuck did he ever solve infidelity cases when he can't even figure out shit that's this basic.

Smh.

Oh yeah, the odd hopefulness is gone now. It's buried next to my hope of him turning out to be an interesting character.

Put your hat back on if you're gonna angst again emo boy.

Investigation? Dont know her. I only know the Grind 💯 and hanging out with the Bros 😤👊

Chapter 4:

One of his worst chapters. I fucking hate this chapter.

Everyone patted him on the back before the trial and it felt shoehorned in. I'm not even sure why they did it honestly?

Kokichi = Evil

Kaito & Maki = Good

But dont worry guys, he's totally not biased or anything! (/s)

He's mega biased.

During the trial he has a lot of confidence, like the good kind he had back in Chapter 2. Especially when he lied and when he stood his ground against Kaito. He'll be punished by the narrative for going against Kaito, but for now I'll enjoy his limp-dicked rebellion.

Apparently he cares for Gonta except he never once talked to him during the main story and even insulted Gonta in his head during their FTEs. When did he start to care about Gonta? He didn't, but now he does I guess.

Chapter 5:

Another bad chapter. Hate this too

Officially graduated from Kaito's Bro to Kaito's Simp.

Also his confidence is entirely dependent on Kaito. When Kaito wants him to do something, he's sure Kaito's plan will work and gives him all of his support. If Kaito expresses displeasure, he's ashamed of himself and has no confidence. I-... y'know sometimes I genuinely worry about their dynamic.

Kokichi = Evil ×2 combo

No detective work or reasoning. Why would the gofer project want a cosplayer to go to space and preserve humanity? Or an ex murderer? Or an assassin? Or a detective? Are they going to be solving space crimes? Shuichi should have been so god damn suspicious- the MOST suspicious, even- but he's practically braindead at this point in the story.

Investigation skills, when will you return from the war?

Goes from suicidal to "uwu I'm a hopeful student of Hope's Peak Academy" way too quickly for someone with supposed confidence issues.

Seriously, how did he go from "the world has been destroyed and I cant fix it so I might as well die" to "yeah! we will definitely fix it! we dont know how yet, but we'll totally do it because we're Ultimates even though in Chapter 1 I didnt even think I deserved to be an Ultimate but shhhh" so quickly?

Kiibo and Shuichi kinda sounded like Kaede when they saw the Hope's Peak Flashback and it's so fucking weird because there's no justification for it

Chapter 6:

Literally what was this chapter

Why did it take Kiibo threatening to blow up the school to get him to investigate the mastermind again? 9 people have died since Chapter 1, but he acted as though he couldn't do anything about it. He even says he "can only help after people die", but Chapter 1 disproved that because he literally almost caught the mastermind without anyone dying so-

At least he investigated, I guess. It's sad that a detective investigating is considered a miracle, but here we are.

During the trial he's rapidly switching from hopeful to suicidal to hopeful again and it gives me so much whiplash, like god damn. Chill out a bit, buddy.

Much like the now-late Kaito, Shuichi tries to convince everyone to die with him to make some sort of stand against TDR. Somehow this worked and they also somehow didn't die and we aren't given justification for either.

The confidence came from the fact that the narrative needed him to be confident. That's it. There's literally no justification for this. There's no justification for anything, honestly.

What even was that ending, like what the fuck was that? None of their arcs got wrapped up at all...

So basically

Shuichi is confident but he's not but only when Kaito believes in him but he can stand against Kaito when he needs to and also he's not actually confident and Kaito needs to baby him. Shuichi is also not biased because he learned a lesson about that, unless your name is Kaito, Maki, or Kokichi, in which case he is incredibly biased to the point of putting the lives of other people on the line, but he wants everyone to survive because he learned a lesson about that. He's also incredibly dismissive of most of the cast in his head, to the point of being cold, but it should be noted that Shuichi really cares about his friends and is really nice and supportive of others. He's a big doormat except for when he doesn't want to be, unless it involves Kaito, because then he is always a sidekick except for when he isn't.

Hope that cleared things up! As you can see Shuichi is a very consistent character :) (/s)

-tech

[beholdthemem]

I know this is odd and kinda specific, but like. Just cuz I wanna know if anybody else had the same experience.

Did any other mixed people find themselves growing up in this specific little pocket where like. You're light enough that the non-white kids are like 'Nah. White.' but at the same time have just enough features for the white kids to look at you and be like '....no. No, I don't know what's going on there, but.... no, you're not white.' Like. A combination of traits where everybody can see what you're NOT, but nobody ever looks at you and sees what you ARE.

I don't wanna sound like I'm whining, like- to clarify, all I'm trying to do here is work some mental shit out. I know that I've been fortunate. I lucked out in that where I grew up, even if nobody could figure out what you were they also didn't care enough to make it an issue. I know that's a blessing. I've been here 23 years, and in the majority of that time what I am hasn't really been relevant.

I think it just... I'm starting to wonder if it messed with my sense of self, a little? Like, I am mixed, that's a statement of fact. But it's not usually something I call myself, or tell people unless they ask, and I'm starting to realize it's because on some level or another I'm not sure if I really... count?

Like.

Somehow, there's a part of me that feels like I'm not. Allowed. Like I'm not worthy, somehow, to claim that. Like there's a test, and I've failed.

I think it's like- when I do use that label, I think what people want from me sometimes is proof? And I don't have it. There's just. Me saying something that I know- because I know my parents/family- is true. But when I'm talking to people that DON'T know my family, it's like they're just... they feel like I'm expecting them to take me at my word, and I don't look like what I'm supposed to, so there, I've failed the test that would let them just believe me without question, and then they ask the next question, the well-let's-see-if-you're-lying test, which is 'do you speak the language?' and I don't, so there's another reason not to believe me, and they keep asking things, and I keep having the wrong answers, and what it finally boils down to is them saying 'So, basically you're white, right?' and me thinking 'I guess in every way except DNA, yeah.'

And that kind of sucks because half of who I am gets chopped away, I don't qualify. And it also sucks because I'm not ashamed of my heritage, but I'm realizing as an adult that in a twisted way feeling like I don't have a right to claim it has had me spend years doing THE EXACT SAME SHIT YOU'D DO IF YOU WERE. Like- I don't talk about it! I don't call myself that! I describe myself as 'mostly white', I haven't offered my experiences when people talk about being mixed since I was a kid, and when they actually ask me I deflect and downplay cuz I feel like any input I have wouldn't really be relevant. Whenever I try and step into that space, some little voice in my head says 'You are intruding here', so I stop, and then a new little voice pops up with 'If mom were alive and saw this, she would think you were ashamed of her', and it feels like no matter which choice I make, I'm wrong.

It's just. Weird, I guess. It seems like since I'm not enough of one thing, it's decided that I'm the other, but the other notices the things about me that don't match them, either.

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

[yyparkq]

superman

pairing: jaebeom x reader

word count: ~2k

summary: you finally bare your burdens with the person you trusted the most, your best friend turned boyfriend, lim jaebeom.

t/w: implications of rape, violence, anxiety

a/n: got too emotional writing this and i dont think i could continue...my heart’s just drenched for y/n. i hope you like it nonetheless! 

requested by anon~

Fighting your own demons completely alone for years is beyond exhausting. How you’re able to genuinely connect with other people despite being utterly damaged yourself on the inside should be considered some sort of anomaly in the humankind. But everything breaks at one point or another, right? Things, whether good or bad, shall pass.

Every single day, all you ever ask from the universe is to make you numb. Numb from all the pain and memories that relentlessly haunt you. To be free from it and be genuinely happy yourself for once. Is that too much to ask? Were you not worthy of living a normal life at all?

When you think of other people in the same situation as you, you can’t help but feel anguish. The little girls being touched by their stepfather or uncle or brother’s friends without their consent, the teenage girls being forced by their boyfriends to do sexual acts to prove their love for them, the wives being used by their husbands anytime to satisfy themselves without their consent.

“Beom-ah, will you kill someone for me?” you ask your best friend without looking.

It has been quite a while since you set your book down on your stomach and watched the sky in front of you, your right arm tucked under your head as a makeshift pillow while lying under the tree.

Jaebeom lowers the book he’s been reading and looks down at you. Unlike you, he was sitting with his back leaning against the trunk. He uncrosses his legs and leans forward to better see your face.

“I just want them dead,” you continue to stare blankly in front of you. When you were younger, you could easily make shapes out of the scattered formation of the clouds in the sky. “But they don’t look like they’re dying anytime soon. And I can’t do it. I’m too weak to kill anyone.”

“What’s going on?” Jaebeom asks slowly. He studies your face carefully albeit being upside down. Something doesn’t sit right. You’re never a violent person and hearing you speak about wanting to kill someone sent a shiver down his spine but made his blood boil at the same time.

“I’m just kidding. Did I scare you?” You smile at your best friend and fake a laugh. Clutching the book on your torso, you sit up and brush your hair with your fingers, scooping closely beside him in the process. You see him still looking at you intently. Somehow you know he will not let your brief slip of the tongue away so easily unless you tell him the truth. His gaze on you is sharp and you worry he’ll easily look right into you again this time.

Jaebeom’s gaze continues to pierce into you and you sigh loudly before collapsing onto the grass again, placing your head on his lap.

Tears attempt to prick the corner of your eyes so you close them, hoping to feign a tired look on your face so he could leave you alone with your thoughts again. Instead, you feel his hand caress your cheek tenderly. His other hand brushing away the strands from your face.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” he asks softly.

Not trusting yourself to speak without sobbing, you only slightly nod your head, though a single tear trickles your side of the face afterward.

Jaebeom immediately wipes it before it even falls halfway down the side of your cheek and dips his head down to place a light kiss on your temple.

In a world where people judge more than try to comprehend the victim’s claims, it is mentally taxing to ask for help.

Not that you never asked anyone for help. In fact, you did. A lot of times. But what do people usually get in return? Nothing more than a mere dubious look from your family and friends and even verbal excuses to downplay your issues. “Should be a slip of the hand, honey,” “Were you both drunk that night?” “He’s your husband. It’s okay.”

The thing is, it is never okay. It never is but somehow you will just learn to live with it.

Sometimes you just wish the tears you shed will be enough to drown all the monstrosity in this world.

Your heart clenches at the mere thought that at least one of the people you meet every day are being abused in one way or another. The only thing you think you could help anyone with is by treating them with utmost kindness and respect unless they prove to be not worthy of either of those.

Everyone except, probably, your own family who caused you an awful lot of mental distress.

They say when you wish someone dead, chances are, they will live longer than you expected. You never cease to wish it though, every time you get a glimpse of their mere shadow inside your house. But aside from that, you also wish to be old enough to help yourself run away from the very place where your nightmares originated.

Before you got into college, you saved the majority of your allowances, took part-time jobs, and even applied for scholarships to save enough money to live on your own, determined to finally get away from everything and start again. You plan on not looking back and build another version of yourself away from the people who inflicted your pain.

And you did. You were able to score yourself admission to a respectable university in the capital. It hasn’t been easy but you felt a lot better than before. You only hoped for the best the moment you stepped inside the university. Soon, you were able to find yourself a number of trustworthy people you can count on. No one knew your past and they’re never really nosy about such things. It should be fine since you wanted to forget about everything from your past anyway, but sometimes you can’t help but feel as though you’re not being fully honest with them. Like you’re creating a different version of yourself that you want to be liked by the new people around you. There are times when you wanted to tell them your story but you’re too afraid they’re going to judge you and they will start to see you differently. You cannot afford to make the same mistake you did in the past when your stories drove your family members and your friends further away from you.

Finding your way to college has been the greatest decision you’ve made so far. If you haven’t pushed yourself way harder to get where you are right now, you wouldn’t be able to meet  Lim Jaebeom—your best friend and now your boyfriend. For almost a decade now, you have been each other’s constant rock.

You met Jaebeom in your favorite coffee house near the university. Unlike most people, background noises in coffee shops actually help you more to focus when studying. It was evidently full the moment you entered one afternoon to study for your upcoming exams. Most people that came in came out after a minute or two after realizing that the coffee house was a full house. But you’re not most people. You didn’t mind standing by the side of the counter as you wait for the other students to wrap up and leave a table until someone pokes you from behind and offered to share his table.

Jaebeom’s mind has been wandering that day, unable to focus on the questions from his mock exams and reviewers. Seeing you enter the shop with your books clutched against your chest and a serene look on your face didn’t help him at all. Before he knew it, he was already approaching and offering you the seat he’s saving for his friend. His heart raced when you smiled warmly and lightly bowed at him, grateful for his generosity.

Oddly enough, you felt really comfortable even when sharing a table with a total stranger for the very first time. A couple of times you caught him staring at you from the corner of his eyes which made you blush but not at all fidgety or uncomfortable. When your second cup of coffee turned cold and the low temperature inside the premise mixed by the sudden pouring of rain outside made you shiver for the second time, Jaebeom offered you a black hoodie hanging in the back of the chair beside him. You refused the offer a few times before accepting, too shy to wear a stranger’s clothes but eventually accepted because the temperature is just too cool for your body’s liking. Both of you, with a few other students, ended up staying in the coffee house until closing. Before parting ways, Jaebeom insisted you keep his hoodie on your way home and used it as an excuse to get your name and your number. Since then you started hanging out and eventually became a couple.

The very first person you told your past about is Jaebeom. Within the course of a few months, somehow, you have developed an unusual bond and attraction for each other which made telling your life story to Jaebeom so much easier.

After accidentally thinking out loud during one of your breaks at the campus garden a month before, you wanted so much to share the ease the burden of you still being occasionally haunted by your past to someone. You felt incredibly lonely more than ever and Jaebeom had always been the most perfect fit to talk to when it comes to your troubles. With him, you feel safe and secured. Most of the time, you get easily overwhelmed with your troubles and he’d always be there to help you look at things objectively, encouraging you to try to make a sound decision each time.

Jaebeom pulls you closer to his body and kisses your temple. His lips stay pressed on the side of your head and you can feel his chest rapidly rising and falling on your back after hearing the side of the story you just bared with him. He’s flushed with anger. How can people do such things and get away with it so easily?

You bask in the warmth of his body against yours. Even after all these years, talking about your traumatic experiences sends every limb of your body to shiver at the memory. Meanwhile, as opposed to what you have expected of yourself, you barely shed a few tears instead of sobbing uncontrollably.

Jaebeom shifts slightly and starts to guide your body so you’re facing him on the couch. His hands soothe your back and arms when you face him and you settle at the crook of his neck comfortably, breathing in his familiar scent. You stay pressed like this for a while until you hear him sniff slightly.

You pull yourself just enough to look at his expression and you’re shocked to see the corners of his eyes red.

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that. I promise you will always be safe with me,” he whispers, slightly croaking. His eyes are wide with sincerity. “We can no longer change the past but, I promise you, you will never have to go through that hell again. Our future kids will never suffer. Not when I’m alive. I will make sure of it.”

You don’t remember the last time you were genuinely consoled by anyone’s words until now. Jaebeom’s words weigh more than a simple I love you. He’s committing to providing a safe haven for you. And even though at the back of your mind you know this couldn’t be foolproof—you cannot control the people around you, after all— you wanted so much to hold onto his words and trust him.

“Thank you for trusting me, baby. Please, please, let me share your troubles. You will never be alone again,” he whispers before bringing your lips to his, showing you just how deep his love for you.

“I love you,” you say between kisses. You didn’t realize you were crying until Jaebeom kisses your tears away.

“I love you so much.”

That night, you fell asleep in Jaebeom’s arms and wake up in his bed the following morning. Over brunch, he convinces you to see a therapist to help you better deal with your traumatic experiences.

[adhd-asd]

how can one deal with not being able to afford getting evaluated/diagnosed for adhd? i've done lots of research online and meet nearly all the symptoms, and my therapist has suggested the possibility of me having it, but i can't afford to get evaluated and currently second guess everything wondering if i'm an imposter. is there a way to have certainty of whether or not i have adhd without getting professionally evaluated/diagnosed? i'm worried i'm just making things up or it's not that bad

     A lot of points to touch on here so I’m going to break up my responses into categories to make things a little easier to digest.

1. How can I be certain?

     I don’t know if you can be, and I don’t know if getting diagnosed would actually change that. Personally, I do have a professional diagnosis and I still worry that I’m just making things up sometimes; like I somehow tricked them into seeing something that isn’t really there or they got it wrong by mistake.

     If you’ve done your research and are reasonably convinced that you have ADHD, and you even have a therapist who corroborates that belief, I’d say you’re in a pretty good position, and you may be better off practicing coping with those feelings of uncertainty when they arise rather than trying to prevent them from ever happening in the first place. Hopefully the following paragraphs will be able to provide some tools and reassurances to help you do that.

2. What if I’m making it up?

     I’d highly recommend taking a look at this post which briefly explores potential sources of the self doubt that can come with ADHD and provides some reassurances and rebuttals to the idea that we might be faking it.

3. I’m worried it’s not that bad.

     You’re the only one who can decide how bad it is, because it’s dependent on your own feelings and experiences. Do you actually feel it’s not that bad? Do you feel it shouldn't be that bad? Or do other people tell you it’s not that bad? What matters is how you experience the world, not what anyone else says or expects.

     I have a friend who loves horror movies, whereas I can’t watch one without being seriously emotionally overwhelmed to the point of a meltdown. Does the fact that my friend can watch horror movies without issue mean that horror movies aren’t that bad? That I’m wrong about how they affect me? Of course not, because those are my genuine feelings and experiences, regardless of what I might expect or hope for, or what’s true for anyone else. My experiences matter and are worth acknowledging, no matter how atypical they are, and nothing anyone else says or feels is going to change that.

     It took me a while to get to this point of self-acceptance, though. I think it's pretty commmon for people growing up undiagnosed to internalise all their symptoms as personal failings and blame themselves for every perceived shortcoming. We tend to think that our problems are our own fault, and if we just tried harder, we could be like everyone else. This can make it difficult to recognise (and accept) our ADHD, because we might be tempted to write off all the symptoms as not being symptoms, but rather things that we could change and just haven't yet.

     Try taking some time to set aside your preconceptions and just be cognisant of your reality. Be honest with yourself about your own feelings and experiences and try not to downplay them or let expectations of what things “should” be like cloud your ability to recognise and acknowledge them for what they actually are.

     If it feels like your ADHD is significantly affecting you, then it almost definitely is. Even if you’re able to work really hard and overcome it, the fact that you had to put that much effort in means it was a significant obstacle in the first place. And if it really wasn’t that bad, I don’t think you would’ve sent this ask. It’d be a non-issue and you’d be able to ignore it or let it go without too much worry.

4. What if I’m wrong/an imposter?

     Well, what if you’re wrong? Would anything actually happen? You may feel a little silly, but I don’t see how such a mistake could actually hurt anyone. Even if it isn’t ADHD after all (which seems unlikely, given what you’ve said), you’re still experiencing difficulties that align with the symptoms, and finding ways to lessen the impact of those difficulties and make your life easier isn’t wrong of you.

     I constantly encourage people to make use of ADHD coping mechanisms if they’re helpful whether they have ADHD or not, and I’ve talked here and here about how I believe some coping is better than no coping, even if a mistake is being made in identifying the source. You’re doing the best you can with what you have for now, and if something changes down the line to make you reconsider your situation then that’s okay! It doesn’t retroactively mean that everything up to that point was for nothing.

     Figuring this stuff out is tough and sometimes even professionals get it wrong, so I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you did make a mistake, and I would hope that the resources and experiences you gather from your time exploring ADHD would be helpful to you regardless. Even if you come to the conclusion that your symptoms are relatively mild or infrequent after all, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have coping mechanisms at the ready for whenever they are a problem. There’s no “you must be at least this ADHD to cope” sign.

5. How do I cope?

     I have a post here that discusses coping with ADHD specifically without a formal diagnosis that may be helpful to start with. It mentions how I personally find that coping while diagnosed and coping while undiagnosed are almost identical, since a lot of our coping tends to rely on us speaking up about our needs and implementing changes in our own lives anyway.

     I’d also encourage you to make use of all the other posts and resources on my blog, seeing as this space is self-dx friendly, and I imagine a lot of other similar blogs are as well. And, of course, your therapist may be a good person to talk to about your concerns and possible coping strategies if you haven’t already.

TL;DR

Self doubt can be pretty common in ADHDers, and practicing coping with the uncertainty may be more beneficial than looking for ways to eliminate it entirely.

Trust your own understanding of your experiences over what other people tell you.

Even if a mistake is made, the symptoms that led to the self-diagnosis are still present and the coping strategies learned can still be beneficial.

A lot of ADHD coping comes down to self-implemented change, which you’re free to make use of regardless of diagnostic status.

     Thank you for your patience waiting for this response and I hope it helps! Good luck!

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

I.T. & Grace Monroe (Again) Chat

Thank you for such a great response! I can’t every imaging the suspense waiting a week for each episode! Lemme tell you the first season I was annoyed with tulip but understood when she was used to expose the trains true meaning /use. MT/Lake story was equally annoying but I appreciated how they used her brattiness to reenforce the methods of the train. What seems impossible to handle in real life becomes more palatable on the train...it brakes it down into bite sized pieces for the passengers to understand and consume. It’s a vr problem solving machine(who would want that). But the major flaw becomes visible to me, by the end of season 1, adults do not fair as well as kids. Amelia did not fair well, her mind was so fixed on the outcome she wanted, that she overlooked any lessons from the train. She forced a square peg into a round hole and her numbers started rising. When she ran into Grace as a child even though is seems like a brief interaction, Grace was already primed to become another Amelia. Her background of affluence, she knows exactly how adults change the world around them to their liking. She already knew the game to be played, so seeing someone with power and influence in that train car , save her, control the enviroment (like her parents would) and have the most numbers she knew what to do. I think she was there to learn not to live to please others, not to feel abandoned and powerless, that not all attention and power is good, that she can stand alone in safety. When she met Simon, she was right back to her old behaviors. What was sad is that by the last episode of that season you know that his real life situation was full of hate and abuse. Grace fell into her enabler and Simon thought he found a mirror. They trauma bonded. It looked like he even developed romantic feelings for her. Still every chance the train sent her to learn those lessons she literally did that opposite of what she wanted. She did what she and Simon agreed to do, Simon looked like he was the mastermind behind all of the Apex rules. I can imagine them trying to figure out how their gang would run with Simon saying something and Grace agreeing then adding to it. I bet Simon felt judged, inferior and misunderstood in real life, because he just could not adapt to seeing Grace form a bond with Hazel and Tuba. The fact that his numbers were decreasing along with Grace’s at one point due to him following her lead was a telling, he was there to learn to find and accept the similarities with the train’s life forms (sorry I forget what they called them) and to build a found family based on that. His attacks on Grace were so brutal, he went to the cat with intent to find something to make Grace fall back inline, to force her back into his ideal world. He rallied the Apex kids to turn against her. He couldn’t even accept the conductor, the ‘god’ of his reality when he met her he just wanted what all adults wanted on that train, to make his world his way. So many adults do this, it’s got to be the reason the train exists right? Catch them as kids, teach them how to find the solution to their problems and send them back into the real world to teach others. Like a gigantic roomba for mental health issues lol. I didn’t expect that Simon wouldn’t make it but there was no way he would have ever left that train on his own. Grace was his way off, and I think he knew that deep down. Makes you wander just how bad his life was, or if he just had an untreated psychosis. Grace’s relationship with Hazel and Tuba became stronger the moment she accepted what she wanted and not what was good for the gang. The years that passed and the numbers that accumulated were undone in a few weeks by that bond, and Simon was watching his world crumble right before his eyes. I really love watching interracial couples on screen, and it’s been great to see how they made Grace and Simon. BwWm (or any combo of black and white or biracial) relationships don’t all have to be racism struggle or forbidden love. It can be as unique as this, scared kids in a new environment. Love it!

You know, to be frank, I shipped this as a ship before it became a season. Whenever I saw them last time, I was like, “Well, they seem cute n’ cozy.” Then, of course, whenever they were revealed to be a hate group, I was like... Well... I hope we find out more because I definitely fucking feel a way about them now. I don’t have very good history with hate groups. My activism hasn’t allowed it, my hometown didn’t allow it - I just have too many bad experiences with hate groups and so since I was reading them as such, my main purpose of watching their season was to see how the train was going to help to change them.

I honestly was like, “Ship be damned,” by the time we got to 6-8 and was just hoping for maybe some friendship building and growth together as better humans. Like. I could care less about a ship on just about any given day (which is why even whenever “my ships” fall apart (and mine always involve Black girls, so that’s like a what 98% failure rate, just because creators never like to see Black girls or women happy anyway), I’m usually fine with it not taking place IF the girl is in a good place and/or there aren’t hella people around her all boo’d up while she’s the strong single. Shadowhunters, looking at y’all bitch ass with a hard side-eye. You as well, Glee. You as well, Battlestar Gallactica and True Blood... Y’all killed the bitches for really no reason. ANYWAYS, I was fine with them not being a ship if it meant growth...

I was shocked that he died, but I also didn’t feel as hurt as I would have had he not done EVERYTHING in his goddamn power to overthrow and murder this girl. Because, I had to repeatedly be like, “This dude is technically a goddamn child,” but then again, so is she. They never grew up in any healthy environment, and I ABSOLUTELY envision Apex creation and building exactly as you did. See, it’s something we got as older Black women looking at this story that the girls just be missing. The signs were so obvious to me that he was the muscle and she was the face, but a lot of people were extremely convinced that she had somehow strong armed this poor, innocent boy into her belief system, even though she literally was always the one with the soft voice.

They read this as manipulation a lot, and perhaps because I’ve been in situations where I knew, “If I don’t charm this person, it is gonna be a very bad day, indeed,” I just didn’t read her actions as harmful. I didn’t see her using her charms to get someone killed or anything dangerous. Only to cheer him up when he was moody, get him to go along with something that wasn’t bad for him at all, etc. So, I mean, whatever, if it’s manipulation, oh well. We do it on a daily basis in the real world whenever we try to let folk down gently as to not get shot on the side of the road, so I’m never jumping to any conclusion that any girl, especially not a Black girl is manipulating somebody without actual evidence, which, I saw none of. She was labeled as his motivation for being a villain from the moment she appeared, so the petty Black fangirl in me rejoiced that canon shot that all straight to hell, and then I received icing on the cake when she not only did not die, but got a redemption arc? YASSSSS BITCH. GIVE MAMA MY THANGS!

I’ve seen a few “fix it fics” and AU’s, but only reading a few of them. I didn’t need anything fixed. I’m just enjoying a little side content (as best as i can anyways. I generally check out if anybody feels like they about to rewrite to go ahead and try to make Grace look responsible for any of that boy’s shit. That fuels my wrath. Because, people really think that they only do shit like this theoretically with fiction, but you not gon’ make me believe that the same people who want to overlook Grace’s trauma, and the way that Simon intentionally harmed her, or downplay her guts to face him head on and try to speak to him about changing and being wrong and not even attack him? (Which, tbh could have been because it’s her instinctual response to protect and care for him, because she’s been doing it since they met and also, nobody is convincing me that he *changed* into this person. That person was always there and Grace had to manipulate his ass into staying docile), but to try to take away that aspect of the story, which is super important to escaping abuse, escaping cults, and building up self - I can’t commit to stories like that. Those are the same people I equate with the people that my ex was COMPLETELY right about whenever he told me that people were always gonna believe him over me because he’s white, smart, and nice. And if we’re being 100, they don’t have to be all three to get people rally behind them while they literally try to hurt and kill you.

So, I just appreciated that the story rallied around the right one and that they didn’t make any room for for blaming his target, although fans will lie and say that they did. That’s just the regular degular misogynoir coming out to play. After leaving a situation in real life with someone like this and having SO MANY GODDAMN PEOPLE try to tell me how the fuck I was wrong, I don’t have patience for that shit. Honestly, if a roach dog monster could have melted and disintegrated Josh, I’d have had a fucking party. And maybe Josh was emotionally and mentally stunted and still a boy dealing with trauma, so that’s where my gray area comes in. It’s like, it’s sad that he chose not to change, but also like, had he been real and did what he did, I definitely would say he should die and not feel bad about that. So, gross scene, but I haven’t a lot of sorrow about it, either. He didn’t give ME much room to feel that bad for him, personally.

Girl, I’ve talked more about Infinity Train on this blog than any other series. Lol. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. How do you approach hypothetical survey questions? Do you try to put yourself into that situation, or do you have a tendency to "ignore" those questions? Sometimes I will, but I tend to skip them or answer it some other way.

2. When was the last time that you acted impulsively? Is this a common behavior for you? I’m not one to act impulsively, so I don’t know.

3. When was the last time when you spent a good deal of time thinking something through? Was it a relief when you finally settled on a decision? Ugh, I should be doing that now in regards to my future and how I should go forward with some things and then actually take the steps to do so, but...  

4. The last time that someone was angry with you, what happened to cause them to feel that way? What about the last time that you were angry with someone else? If you estimated, which do you think you experience more often: anger toward others, or others feeling anger toward you? I’m positive my former friends were angry and upset with me when I totally withdrew and became distant from everyone a few years ago without an explanation and haven’t tried reaching out since. I’m sure they want nothing to do with me now and I don’t blame them at all. I’ve been angry at myself more than anything or anyone because I’ve just let myself and other things go in a lot of ways and really neglected myself. I’m not even trying to get out of the hole I’ve been in the past few years. I just let each year pass by and do nothing. I hate myself for that. I hate the person I’ve become.

5. How do you generally feel after you have been very angry? What do you like to do to calm yourself down? I cry and shutdown, basically. Probably turn to my go-to distractions and try to zone out. After some time then I’ll likely calm down.

6. What are some sounds that you find soothing? Have you ever used any sort of tape of nature/ocean/rain sounds to fall asleep, or would that sort of thing be more inclined to keep you awake? ASMR is my go-to. I have several ASMR “triggers” as they’re called. And yes, I find ocean and rain sounds relaxing as well and used those to help me fall asleep sometimes before discovering ASMR a few years ago.

7. What was the last thing you looked for, but could not find? My motivation? 

8. How often do you misplace your belongings, or forget where you set something down? Or, are you pretty good at keeping track of everything that you own? I rarely lose or misplace things, honestly. 

9. Do you ever say or do things for shock-value? If so, is there something specific you are hoping to achieve by saying those things, or is it just for the sake of it? If you personally do not do such things, do you know anyone who does? No, I’m definitely not one to do that. I’ve known people like that, though.

1o. If you were going out to your favorite restaurant, what would you be most likely to order? Do you have a "usual" when you go out to eat, or do you prefer to sample a different meal from the menu each time? My favorite restaurant is Wingstop and I always get the garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings with a side or ranch, extra lemon pepper sauce, and parmesan fries. Any other restaurant my go-to is chicken tenders and fries.

11. When was the last time that something you did backfired? How about the last time you experienced a completely unexpected and fortunate surprise? Oh, like how I thought taking some time off after graduating would benefit me somehow but I ended up spiraling down into this hole I haven’t been able to get myself out of since and dealing with other health issues. I haven’t done anything with my life since graduating and I have no idea what I want to do. As for an unexpected and fortunate surprise... the Disneyland trip we took last year for my brother’s 21st. It was planned somewhat last minute and we ended up having the best time.

12. Is it uncomfortable for you to be pitied? Have you ever felt as though someone pitied you? If so, how did you react to it, if at all? Absolutely. I don’t like talking about myself and my problems and having the focus and attention on me. I don’t want the pity. I keep a lot to myself and hardly talk about what I’m going through or how I’m really feeling and if I do, I downplay it a lot and keep it pretty minimum. I’ll always shift the conversation to the other person or something else.

13. In general, do you tend to look more at the scientific or artistic aspects of life? Would you prefer to deal strictly in facts, or more in areas of subjective creativity? What would looking more at the artistic aspects of life mean?

14. What are some controversial subjects about which you are tired of hearing? Do you ever weary of the drama certain opposing viewpoints can cause, or do you enjoy the tension and opinions that come with debate? >> I'm tired of hearing about most of them, considering how much time I spend on the Internet. But me being tired of it doesn't mean people should stop, necessarily; some of those arguments are necessary and some of the "drama" might have a point. It is better that these issues are being aired out than the alternative, truly. But I don't think I need to be exposed to all of it, is all. It's not useful for me.<<< Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel. Also, no I do not enjoy the tension or debates.  I keep a lot of my opinions to myself and avoid talking about controversial topics. It can be interesting hearing other people’s viewpoints, though.

15. When a survey question rubs you the wrong way, are you ever blunt or borderline rude in your response to it? If so, do you think that others should take your responses personally, or that they should realize you're just reacting to the question itself? I sometimes give sarcastic or annoyed responses, but it’s not directed towards anyone. 

16. When is the next time you will be going outside? Will you be going alone, or will you be going with someone else? Next month for my doctor appointment. I don’t drive, so I’ll be going with either my mom or brother. 

17. If you received an allowance as a kid, what kinds of things would you buy with it? Were you more the type to save up for something big, or spend it on little things? I saved it or bought toys or snacks.

18. If you are someone who goes to the mall, are there any stores that you have NEVER been into? Is it for personal reasons, or just because you have no interest in the items they sell? Yeah, there’s just stores I don’t have any interest or need to go into.

19. What is one unhappy circumstance in your life right now that is beyond your control? How are you dealing with it? The health stuff I’ve been dealing with.

2o. How about something dissatisfying that you CAN control? Are you doing anything to change this situation, or are you just waiting for it to pass? I could be and should be taking the steps to get help in trying to better manage things and get some things taken care of, but nope instead I haven’t done anything.

21. Do you think that people deserve to be treated with basic respect, or do you feel as though they have to "earn" your respect? Explain the reason for your choice, if any? I do think that people deserve to be treated with basic respect. 

22. Are there any types of people you could not manage to treat decently, no matter how hard you tried? I haven’t encountered a time like that where I had to interact with someone so difficult, thankfully. Not to say I haven’t interacted with any irritating or rude people, though. I just kept it short as possible.

23. Have you ever offered advice that wasn't necessarily wanted? How did the receiver of this advice respond? I’m sure I have.

24. How do you tend to feel when someone offers unsolicited advice regarding how you should live your life? >> I generally ignore it because nine times out of ten it's either completely irrelevant or something I've already thought of (and probably found lacking). <<< Same. It can be annoying, though.

25. What day of the week was the hottest? And, how hot is just too hot, for you? It was low 70sF one of the days this week. I personally don’t like when it starts creepin’ up in the 70s even. We get a lot of upper 90s and triple digits here during the summer through like the end of October. It’s miserable.

26. What is your favorite item of clothing that you are currently wearing? How often do you wear this item? My Baby Yoda sweatshirt. I wear it like a few times a week.

27. When you cuddle with someone, how do you prefer to position yourself? Would you rather be held, or do the holding? Or both? I like to be the one being held.

28. During what time of the day are you most likely to hang out with other people? Is there a certain part of the day you prefer to reserve just for yourself, if you have that luxury? Well, I sleep until like late afternoon, sometimes 5PM, so I typically spend time with my family in the evening time and at night. Around midnight or so until the early morning hours is when I have a lot of me time and do my nightly routine of YouTube, ASMR, Tumblr, and surveys.

29. How do you tend to feel after spending hours and hours online, if that is something you do? In general, how long do you think you could spend using the internet before it became boring to you? I spend a lot of time on my phone and laptop throughout the day.

3o. When was the last time you didn't want to do something, but you had to do it anyway? What about the last time you wanted to do something, but could not because something or another was preventing you? Getting up and out of bed is often a struggle. I’d like to go on a little vacation somewhere, but I just don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so.

31. If you were to scale your percentage of open-mindedness, where do you think that percentage would land? To you, what does it mean to be open-minded? I think I’m pretty openminded. I’m willing to hear different opinions and viewpoints and I can see things from different angles. 

32. Can you recall the last time you lied to someone? If so, what was it that prompted you to lie? I don’t remember.

33. What was the last thing you did that you knew was not good for you? How about the last thing you did that WAS good for you? There’s a lot of things I continuously do that aren’t good for me. As for the last thing I did that was good for me... well, I’ve been trying to drink more water.

34. Who is the most interesting person you have talked to lately? What is one quality about them that causes them to seem interesting? My aunt. She has a lot of interesting stories and opinions. She’s also really funny.

[teruuji]

. 遊児 .                                  hcs

!! Fair warning: Mentions of both physical and mental abuse. !!                    THIS IS ALSO A MEGA LONG POST,          and it bleeds into most, if not all, of his verses.

Parents

Yuuji’s parents are conservative and emotionally pretty distant when it comes to Terushima and his well-being. Their world view is quite narrow, and they do not easily accept new information, even if provided with (groundbreaking) evidence. They do not approve of same sex couples, let alone marriages. They think “those things” (aka, people identifying themselves of being part of sexual minorities) are just sick to their heads. Many times they have voiced their thoughts on the topic and how, if their child would show signs of being one, they’d have no issues of kicking their kid out and disowning him. 

Image and reputation is very important to them. When they were younger, they had hopes and dreams of becoming something great, like a lawyer or doctor, but all that fell through. Nowadays, they work rather mundane office jobs. The father is a COO at a company, and the mother is one of the most bitchy and gossipy coworkers someone in an office environment can have. She is also quite the kiss up, when it comes to her boss, and she feels no remorse of tattling anything to the higher ups. The father is no better. 

Anything that could possibly work against them is heavily frowned upon. They are also  fake as fuck, even outside of their work environment, smiling and being polite, but turn your back and they will be talking shit. 

When meeting or interacting Yuuji’s friends, they “forget” names or make up new ones, as they do not think they are in anyway important to their son’s life, as they are not from a reputable or have any connections to said families. Very condescending when it comes to their way of talking about things that they are not personally interested in, or what they think is a waste of time, such as volleyball.

Before volleyball, Yuuji played the cello and even brought home quite the few prizes from competitions. This obviously pleased his parents, and it was fun for a while. Though, the grueling hours he had to spend practicing, with the threat of not getting supper on that day if he didn’t, his joy for music dwindled. It didn’t help him either, that the other kids were rude and conceited. This lead to him seeking out something he’d want to do --- enter volleyball. 

His decision to stop playing music wasn’t exactly appreciated, and Yuuji got yelled at for it, about all the money that was wasted on his lessons and the instrument, and the time they had to waste on him and his music competitions. Yuuji did somehow manage to persuade his parents to let him indulge in the sport, with the guise of it being beneficial for him and his... future. It’s only three years, after all... And now, for the first time, he actually had friends, friends that would support him and shared similar interests as him.

If Terushima dare talk back when being scolded, or acts in a way they do not think is beneficial for them, he can be slapped, or grabbed roughly by the neck or arm. Sometimes it’s prolonged silence treatment, that only ends if Yuuji apologizes and takes the blame for it. He can also be hit for bringing home “bad grades”. Being as academically gifted as Yuuji is, the parents have huge expectations put on him, as well as their own childhood dreams; Yuuji’s going to be a doctor, or a lawyer! He’s going to have a job that pays well! This would ensure that he would be able to take care of them, as they grow old, as surely  it is what Yuuji owes them for all the good care they’ve given him.

You can only imagine what kind of a shitstorm it was when Yuuji asked to get his piercings and to be allowed to dye his hair. In the end, he persevered and got his way, by somehow convincing his parents that looking different would leave a lasting impression.

Quirks Yuuji’s home life has given him

Yuuji has a habit of fidgeting and needing to have something to do, or he starts feeling guilty for being ‘lazy’. When sitting still, he is at a minimum bouncing a leg. Quite often he can get distracted by small things, or by i.e. social media. Might just be clicking a pen for minutes at an end, or tapping it against the table. 

Being secretive about his affairs with people and what he is up to. This is mainly due to him not having had a safe environment to explore his own interests and sexuality. He tries to be honest with his partner, but he may instead give more of a vague explanation/update on what he’s doing. It’s a habit he’s trying to get rid of. 

During his worst off days, Yuuji can be found dissociating; he’ll stare into thin air/zone out, he gets overly focused on small mundane things, and he may also feel really numb. In addition, he will distance himself from people, and his happy bubbly disposition is nowhere to be seen. If given space, Yuuji will eventually come seeking for comfort in form of physical contact, by just silently leaning against them, and holding onto their shirt. 

His need to keep up good grades has also contributed to him having bad sleeping habits. At best he may get around 4 hours of sleep, but quite often it is less. This may lead to him falling asleep during breaks at school, or when visiting friends. Usually he ends up catching up on sleep by going to a friend’s house for the weekend, with the cover-up story of a “project” to be worked on. He will also quite often try to tough it out until he just finally passes out. 

Stress baking / cooking is related to his need of having something to do, and his sleepless nights. If he can’t sleep, he will instead start baking, be it just a cheesecake or two, he needs to make something. On bad nights, he may be cooking up a storm, and make food to feed an entire army. 

Due to the fact that he’s been hit and/or slapped he does flinch when there are sudden movements near him, for example someone flails, or animatedly explains something. He can also flinch from having his face or hair touched suddenly without warning. 

Sometimes he’ll start apologizing when he catches himself getting/being overly excited or happy. He will shut down, lower his head and mumble his apology. If one shows him genuine interest, however, and encourages him to continue, he’ll get shy about it and fidget, while continuing his talk. 

Showing visible discomfort when he’s being called talented, or when called something shy of a genius. He knows he’s smart, he knows he’d have what it takes to get far in life if he tried. But being either of those, will just have him get war flashbacks and grimace. Even cello music gets him visibly uncomfortable.

Yuuji craves physical contact and will seek it out from anywhere he can, be it his teammates or friends in general. This can come in forms of him just leaning against someone, cheek kisses, draping over someone’s back, sitting on someone’s lap, looping an arm over someone’s shoulders, nudging a shoulder with his fist, etc. Anything for that brief contact. 

He also craves praise, as he very rarely gets any at home. Even if it’s just something silly, and a simple ‘good job’, he will beam like a mini sun. Most he’s ever gotten from home has been ‘good, but you could do better’.

All the expectations piled onto him from his parents, and the occasional teacher, has him crave for being accepted as he is as well. Not as some ideal version of himself. He doesn’t want to be the perfect son or the perfect student. He’d just like to be himself. 

In addition to everything, he has a desire to pleasing people and having people like him. Pleasing people eventually turned into flirting with anyone that moves, in a sense, as simple silly words can make someone feel so much better about themselves. And if he can make someone’s day with silly pickup lines, then that’s a win in his book. Though, this also has lead to him becoming shy and flustered when he’s being flirted with or being complimented, as deep down he is shy and insecure, even if he doesn’t act the part.

He downplays his issues, pretends everything is fine. Smiles and is bubbly as pretending to be fine is easier than to let anyone see that he is hurting on the inside. Yuuji also has a hard time of asking for help out loud, until it gets worse enough. Same with potential injuries; he’ll seek medical help only when it gets bad. This has lots to do with their parents thinking that he is just being dramatic, faking it, or just wanting attention, and that he should just man up and not make a big deal about it. 

[lilaclovestowrite]

Arcade Chaos (Katsuki x Cheerful!Reader)

“ Bakugo oneshot with cheerful!reader at arcade plz? ”

Type: Request from Quotev

Words: 2556

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing: Katsuki x Reader

Genre: Hint of fluff, lots of Katsuki rage lol, and mainly humor

Summary: Somehow, you’re able to drag your crush, Katsuki Bakugou, to an arcade for the day. Of course, this creates chaos, since the Bakusquad happens to be there as well. But maybe, after all the chaos, you’ll finally be able to confess your true feelings to him!

Warnings:

None

💥💥💥

 “Why the heck are we in this lame place!?” questioned an irritated Katsuki.

“Cuz arcades are fun!” I answered, leading him in by the hand. He was very resistant—but he was no match for my nonexistent strength.

 “Fun? This place is for nerds who live in their mom’s basement. Just like stupid—”

 “Deku, yeah, yeah,” I finished for him with a blasé attitude. “I’ve heard it all before. Why don’t you just focus on something else besides Midoriya?”

 “Pfft, like what?”

 “Uh, something that actually matters. Video games, obviously.”

 “I’m leaving.” Just as he tried to escape, I pulled him back.

 “Get yer hands off me!” He flicked his wrist away from me, and huffed as he scanned the arcade’s interior.

“Come on, please stay with me for just an hour? PLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEEEE~!?” I forcefully smiled, holding my hands together in a purposely pathetic pose.

 “Well, you already kidnapped me so—whatever. And what’s the difference between these games and the ones on my phone? Only geeks play these chunky, 8-bit fossils.”

 “Trust me. You’ll see,” I vaguely left as an answer.

After I dragged Katsuki around the building, I asked him if anything caught his eye. “So, do you know what game you wanna play?”

 “’Nuke the Zombies’ didn’t look too trashy, I guess.”

 I blinked once. “Uhh, how about something more child-friendly?”

 “Fine. How about ’Blow up the Bunny’ then?”

 Why did I ever think this was a good idea?

 “Let’s not.”

But what we didn’t know, is that our other friends happened to be here as well! Eijiro, Denki, Hanta, and Mina approached us all at once.

 “Wow! Hey, guys! Nice to see you here,” Eijiro greeted.

 Hanta laughed. “Didn’t really expect to see you two here. . .specifically, together.”

 “The heck you mean by that!?” Katsuki nearly erupted, but I held him back.

 “Oh, y’know—just figured you’d be at home plotting your revenge for Midoriya or something.”

His response only earned him a snarl from Katsuki. But Mina, on the other hand, decided to push all of Katsuki’s buttons without thinking.

 “Maybe they’re on a date!!” she gasped. “WAIT, ARE YOU—”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! This isn’t a heckin’ date!” Katsuki debunked. “She bugged me nonstop about coming to this trash hole, and finally got on my nerves, so I came.”

 By the smug look on my friend’s faces—they were obviously not buying it. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have minded it if were a date. Considering I’ve always had a thing for Katsuki. People may have thought I was crazy for liking someone so spastic with anger management issues—but there was more to him than just his atrocious personality. He had a lot of admirable qualities like uh, well, I’ll think of some later.

 “Alright then~” Mina giggled.

 “Guys, when can we play some games?” asked Denki.

“Right now!” Eijiro made an immediate beeline for Whac-A-Mole. “Bakugou, you gotta try out this game! I used to play it when I was younger, and it’s so much fun.”

 “The heck is it?”

 Katsuki stormed over and studied the attributes of the vintage game, while Eijiro explained the rules of it to him.

 “And when the mole thing rises up, you just hit it with this mallet!”

 “Pfft, sounds like a baby game. Pass.”

 “Aw, c’mon!” I joined in, trying to convince him to try it out.

 Hanta agreed, “Yeah! Don’t be such a wet blanket, man.”

After all our nagging, he eventually gave in and reluctantly picked up the game mallet. “Gross, a thousand brats probably got their diseased germs all over this thing.”

 “They’re not as diseased as your attitude, that’s for sure—”

 “COME AGAIN, KNOCK-OFF PIKACHU!?!”

 “Hey, hey,” Eijiro tried calming. “Just try one round at least!”

 “Ugh, fine.”

Once the game started, the plastic moles slowly rose up from their holes, and each one was hammered by Katsuki. He displayed his obvious boredom through stance and expression.

 “This game is about as fun as watching paint dry.”

 “Oh, it gets harder,” I snickered.

 “This is about as hard as using Deku as a football.”

But he was soon showed otherwise—as the game’s difficulty increased. The moles now only stayed up for half a second now, and even Katsuki was having a hard time keeping up.

 “C’mon, dude! Whack them!” Eijiro cheered.

“THIS STUPID MALLET ISN’T WORKING!!!” he screeched, causing the rest of the people around us to stare. It was a bit embarrassing. But that’s my penalty for going out in public with Katsuki. “DIE, RATS, DIEEEEEE!!!!” So, he dropped the mallet, and just started exploding the moles with his hands.

 And of course, the result was he melted the arcade machine. All the moles were now nothing but liquefied plastic, which was totally uncalled for compared to the games standards.

 I walked back to my friend’s table with Katsuki by my side.

“Alright, I just called Katsuki’s therapist and he was able to, er—scream out his issues. So, I think we’re good!” I informed with a thumbs up.

 “My therapist can bite rocks.”

 I let out a sigh of disappointment at his rude response.

 “Hey, (Y/N)! Did you see any games that caught your eye?” Hanta wondered.

 I answered with, “Hmm. . .well, I did wanna play Whac-A-Mole. But now it’s melted into the flooring, so. . .”

“It wasn’t even fun,” Katsuki downplayed. “I have more fun beating Deku. Wait—they should make a game called Whac-A-Deku. Now, I’d play that.”

 We only stared at our friend, mildly disturbed.

 Hanta said, “Pac-Man it is, then.”

 After playing a few more games, we headed to the eating area. We ordered some pizza and soda, so we just chatted as we ate.

 “You guys, what do you think is better? Pac-Man or Ms. Pac-Man?” asked Mina.

 “They’re the same thing, Raccoon Eyes.”

 “NO, PAC-MAN IS A MAN, AND MS. PAC-MAN IS A WOMAN.”

 I awkwardly nibbled on my pizza, watching the conversation between them take a nosedive for the worst.

 “Guys, is butter a carb?” Katsuki asked us.

 Denki replied, “I don’t know—I don’t watch Gordon Ramsey.”

“Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.” He launched his pizza in the trash can (which he carelessly missed), and headed back to the ordering station.

 Just as Katsuki got out of earshot, Mina immediately began interrogating me.

 “So. . .ya sure you two weren’t on a date~?”

 I went red with total shock and embarrassment. “What? No way! He doesn’t like me like that.”

 Hanta chuckled. “He liked you enough for you to literally drag him here. That’s like, a deathwish for most people.”

 I knew he had a point.

 Eijiro said, “Plus, he needs a girlfriend. He needs someone to keep him fairly sane.”

All their talking had me blushing. Yes, I liked Katsuki a lot—but I never thought it’d go any further than that. However, you never know about these kind of things.

 “So. . .should I ask him out or something?” I hesitantly questioned.

 “Go ahead! I mean, there’s not a line of girls trying to date him, that’s for sure.”

 I took it into consideration. Maybe today, I should try to make a move. I mean, YOLO, amirite?

 “Alright, I’ll try next time I see him,” I gulped.

 They all smiled uncontrollably, but instinctively stopped once Katsuki returned to the table.

 “Why’re you idiots all staring at me like a bunch of idiots?”

“Oh, uh—well. . .” I mentally prepared myself for rejection. I knew all my friends were bursting at the seams, waiting for me to confess my feelings to Katsuki. But it was just so awkward. So, I chickened out. “I uh, wanted to know if you were gonna share your cheese fries with me.”

 “What does share mean?”

 I could hear Eijiro facepalm. So, I ended the awkwardness with, “Nothing! Just eat your fries—”

 Later, we all continued searching for what else to play.

 So, I cleared my throat to get everyone’s attention. “Ahem. How about we do something that’s multiplayer?”

 “You mean like a competition?” Katsuki wondered, a psychotic smile forming on his face once the idea of winning first place entered his mind. Now, we were all scared.

“Uh, you’re smiling like a psycho again—I MEAN, uh, yeah! We just need to find a game that allows two players. . .and one that isn’t taken.” As I examined the room and every one of its consoles, I found one that caught my eye.

 Dance Dance Revolution (DDR).

 “Hmm, I know! That one!” I excitedly pointed to the one I was referring to.

 “OMG, that one is so cool! I used to play it when I was younger!” Mina beamed.

“Oh, great. Dancing? I thought you’d pick something that would actually hold my interest. Like no-scoping zombies or something.”

 I crossed my arms and said the thing I knew would make him do what I wanted. “What? You think you can’t beat me? Think I’m gonna win instead~?”

 “Pfft, in your dreams. I’d beat you at any game at any time of the week. You’re a lame gamer.”

 “You think so, eh? Well, let’s just find out!” I skipped over to the DDR machine and patiently waited for the two children to finish up their round. However, patience wasn’t an idea Katsuki could process in his arrogant brain.

 “Hit the road, punks! I’ve got a game to win!” He shoved the two kids off, and cleared the platforms for both of us. I tried mouthing an apology to the two schoolboys, but they had already escaped to find their parents.

 Katsuki extended his arms and stretched out his fingers. Eijiro and Hanta approached me, asking if I was sure this was a good idea. I knew Katsuki was unhealthily obsessed with winning, but that only made it more fun being his opponent, at least in my opinion! (Plus, seeing him fail was ten-times funnier).

 “Go easy on her, dude,” Denki tried helping out.

“No way, Calamari. I’m not a braindead loser like you.” Finishing up his mini exercise, he stepped onto the dance platform. “What’re you waiting for, girly?” Katsuki snarked at me with a confident smirk.

 I stepped on mine as well, and scrolled through the list of songs to perform. “We could start with easy mode,” I offered.

 “No way. Go for the hardest mode you can find.”

 Someone was going to break their legs, and it wasn’t going to be Midoriya this time around.

 “Oh. . .well, uh—alright!” I landed my finger on this Vocaloid song called The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku, which was apparently the most challenging one on this menu. “Alright, there’s the modes: Beginner, Intermediate, Pro, Master, and uh, Death.”

 “Choose Death then.”

 With a cloud of anxiousness looming over my figure, I pressed that option. I didn’t know what to expect—but I was scared.

 “How bad can it be?” chuckled Eijiro.

 Oh, but it was pain. It was the most torture I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

When the gameplay started, it wasn’t too hard in the intro of the song. But when the fast part came, it was like we were dancing to save our lives. People in the building came to spectate us and our anguish—but our friends cheered us on the entire time.

 “REEEEEEEEE, END MEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Katsuki screeched as he barely managed to touch the flashing tiles on his platform.

I felt as if I was jumping across a room full of nails sticking straight up. I could barely keep up with the beat of the song, and I was already exhausted. But we weren’t even halfway into it.

 “BEATING ALL FOR ONE IS EASIER THAN THIS TORTURE MACHINE!” roared Katsuki.

 “You’re almost to the beat break!” Hanta reassured.

Finally, the first verse of the song ended. So, our legs could take a break for a few seconds. Katsuki and I were desperately trying to regain oxygen, since it was such a rush. When we looked at our current scores—I saw that I was luckily five points higher than Katsuki.

 “WHAT THE HECK!? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?” he raged.

 “HA.”

 Everyone cheered for me at the moment, but Katsuki wasn’t having it. He was more than determined to beat me now.

When the gameplay resumed, we continued to push ourselves to dance on the correct tiles. Our scores were nearing closer together, and it was only a matter of time before one of us passed each other for good and won.

 “ALMOST THERE,” Katsuki spoke to himself, as he glimpsed at his own score.

But just the moment before it was all over, Denki accidentally activated his Quirk due to the hype building up in his system—and it shot out at the DDR machine, causing it to short-circuit and die.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Katsuki bellowed out, as he fell on his knees and placed his hands on the now black screen. “I’M GONNA KILL YOU, STUPID PIKACHU!!!”

 However, it was pointless because Denki already fried his brain and went dumb. “Wheyyyy~”

Eijiro couldn’t help but laugh hysterically, along with Hanta and Mina. It only made Katsuki’s blood boil—and frankly, I couldn’t help but giggle too.

 “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PAIN.” Katsuki stood up and stalked out of the arcade. Of course, I followed him.

 “Katsuki! Don’t be upset. It’s only a game.”

 “I WAS SO CLOSE TO WINNING!” he fumed. “I COULD HAVE BROKEN THE STUPID RECORD—”

“Shh, just relax! They’ll probably fix it, and we can always come back later.” I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he surprisingly didn’t flick off.

 “Hmph. I’m never playing that demon game ever again.”

 I laughed softly. “Well, there’s plenty of other games. But other than the fact Denki shut off the game—did you have fun?”

 He turned his head to me, and for I moment, I swear I saw his eyes soften by a fraction. “Maybe a little—but not that much.”

 I’ll take that as a yes, coming from him.

But now that we were together with no other distractions, I decided to take a risk and slide my hand into his. He widened his eyes—since affection was probably a concept far removed from his unfriendly mentality.

 I looked down at the floor and smiled, saying, “I was thinking, Katsuki. Would you uh, would you consider being my Player Two?”

 I didn’t even care how cheesy I was being at this point.

 “The heck does that mean?”

 Our friends screamed from a distance, “SHE’S ASKING YOU OUT, GENIUS!”

Katsuki stiffened up, since he was struggling to find a riposte to throw back in my face. But it was relentless. Instead, he let out a sigh and told me, “That’s the sappiest and most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard—but sure. You’re not as annoying as the others.”

 I strained my cheeks from smiling so much, and I threw my arms gleefully around Katsuki. The others were probably afraid he’d blow up or something, but thankfully, he didn’t. Instead, he returned the favor by awkwardly rubbing my head.

 “They’re so cute together~” sighed Mina.

 “Yeah, Bakugou better not screw it up,” Eijiro added with a smile.

 “It’s Bakugou, he screws everything up.”

 “True.”

 Maybe coming to this place was a good idea after all~

[pinkielord]

Fictober 2020 Day 1

Prompt #1: “No, come back!”

Fandom: Invader zim but its focused on ocs

Rating: T for teen due to swearing and alcohol consumption

Pairing: Female human oc/male irken oc

Warnings/Tags: swearing, alcohol use, potential alcoholism, slight abo mention

“No, come back!”

Magenta was worried. More like extremely concerned as she had recently had found out a friend of hers had gotten seriously injured, and while it made sense that she wasn’t there to help him out as she was prone to...freaking out, especially when someone close to her was seriously injured, plus she had...overreacted when she found out about it through a group text, but eventually, due to her building frustration, she decided to something that she had done in the past to try and ease her frustrations, which was drinking. Admittedly, it wasn’t the best way as she had a tendency to get even more emotional while drinking, especially when it was for a negative reason like this.

She sighed, taking a swig of the first can of beer, barely grimacing at the taste, too wrapped up in the emotions she desperately wanted to dull. “God...how does anyone actually stand me? Honestly...its a fuckin’ miracle that Dex can even stand to be in the same house as me...” She quickly got into an alcohol induced funk, even wondering how on earth her mate could stand to be with her when she was practically Known for flying off the handle at the slightest inconvenience.

It was at that time that her mate came into their room slowly, and his face was soft as he saw her beating herself up, and berating herself for what she had done earlier. “Dex loves you, stupid. That’s how, and what’s that stink?”

Magenta perked up out of fear as her scent spiked out of the shock of seeing him, and even drops the can of shock. “H-hon...I.. i need to go.” She said as she immediately got up, and tried to move past him, not wanting for him to see her like this. She was his alpha after all, and even if she hadn’t fully grown up knowing about them...there was still the fact that she felt like she needed to be strong and unflappable for him, despite the fact that they had been living together for months, and he was also carrying their child as well.

Dex held her hand, but he fell from the sudden jerk, catching himself barely. Magenta helped steady him, though she was shaking slightly and not making eye contact with him. He looked at her, with concern in his eyes, and his antennae pinned back as well. “W-what is wrong with you, Dex just wants pinkie’s attention. All day Dex has been waiting to talk to you, then you, you flee...”

Those words stung at her as she genuinely didn’t mean to leave him hanging like that...now more than ever he needed her, and she just pushed him away...And yet, she Knew that she couldn’t just let him see her as the mess she looked like, she needed to be Perfect! Especially since he didn’t need anymore stress. So she did the, seemingly, sensible thing and downplayed how she was feeling. “I’m...fine hon. I just don’t want you to see me like this.” She said as she gestured to the disheveled mess that she was looking like currently.

He looked at her with his scent spiking at how stand-offish she’s acting like, due to her being slightly drunk. “I-is pinkie leaving dex...?” He whimpered softly, as he would never want her to leave him, especially not now with a child on the way. However, seeing his reaction, just made her grip her arms so tightly that she began to draw blood. “I...I would never. I just, I can’t, I dont want to let you see me like this...” She shakes her head, feeling absolutely terrible for being caught like this, especially to, in her opinion, one of the most important people in the universe. 

Dex began to pace as his mind immediately went to the worst possible conclusions. “Oh Irk it’s too fast, Dex will be better, Dex promises...” He said as his mind continued to race as he didn’t get why exactly his mate, his tallest, was trying to get away from him so badly. It surely had to be something he had done, even if he didn’t realize it, right? Her face softened considerably when she saw him freaking out, and she tries to reach out, but she pulls back her hand quickly. “Hon, I swear it isn’t you. I would never ever blame you for my issues...I just...dont want you seeing me like this...” She was torn between shying away from Dex as she did Not want him seeing her as anything less than composed, or in a situation like what she was in now. She had to be the one who had her stuff together after all, not the one who broke down over anything mildly distressing.

Dex began to get frustrated slightly as she said that, and he frowned as well. “Pinkie looks perfect to Dex every single day, no matter what. Dex is your mate, when Pinkie is stressed, he feels it. When Pinkie is mad and acts happy, Dex feels it. Dex feels you’re angry and pent up, why is Pinkie so- so scared and distraught?” He explained, and also asked because he felt concerned for his mate as she was acting somewhat erratically. 

At hearing that, she began to tear up and shudder as she repeated “I can’t” over and over again, as she felt her guilt and shame build up. Especially since as he was pregnant, he should probably stay as calm as he can be so as to not cause any complications with it. Especially since they were both so excited to se their child, so if something happened to them...she didn’t know what they would do. However, this turn of emotions greatly frustrated Dex as he genuinely didn’t know why exactly she was being so closed off with how she was acting as they were practically married at this point. So he asks simply, “Why can’t you?”

That caused her to tear up even more as that very simple question somehow struck her down to her very core. “I-i just can’t... I don’t want to stress you out even more as you being stressed is the very last thing you should be right now.” She explained, trying to still, somehow, try to be composed, despite the fact that she was about one step away from fully breaking down. Which, in turn, caused Dex to lash out due to Magenta being...difficult to deal with currently.

“WHY CAN’T YOU?! What can’t you do?!” He exclaimed, still holding her hands as tears began to roll down his face, which made her look down as she felt Absolutely terrible for trying to withhold what exactly she was doing from him. She still did so, as she still felt shame for even Daring to drink while her mate was looking for her attention all day... “I just...can’t tell you what I was doing...It’s nothing to worry about anyways...” She said as she continued to look down, trying to avoid any eye contact from him, otherwise, she would feel even Worse for what she had done.

At what she had said, Dex just gave a look that said “Fine.” as he backed away from her, a million different thoughts going through his head as he actually seemed stressed as he headed down the stairs, and probably to a friend’s house as he didn’t know what to do with her at that moment, when in reality he didn’t need to do anything.

As that happened, Magenta actually began to freak out slightly as he left her the room. “W-wait! Dex! No, come back!” She cried out, not wanting to be without her mate, her everything, her amazing love and omega. And once he left, instead of wanting to just cry until no tears could come out, she instead dried her tears, and grabbed another beer, wanting to drown out all of the feelings she felt as Everything felt too loud, and she also did it to somehow dull the aching in her heart for her one and only mate. 

                                                     ~O~

Eventually, she slowed her speed of chugging down the beer, and when she finally allowed herself to cry, it was a full cry as she wept, already missing her mate, even if it was only temporary, because she missed him so much that her heart ached and yearned for him. “D-dex...I-i’m sorry.. I miss you....” She whimpered, already mentally berating herself for alienating her mate.

[lia-jones]

Growing Pains - Chapter Thirteen - Let Me Tell You a Story

Victor left my apartment after checking if my refrigerator had food, and only when I solemnly promised I would get something to eat and rest. He also instructed me not to go to work the following day and forbade me to walk Levi’s dog. I was so tired I promptly obliged, eating some leftovers, taking a shower and going straight to bed.

I was so exhausted from all the feelings and all the crying I slept 19 hours straight, without a single dream, which was a first. I woke up feeling a whole lot better. Even though the events of the previous day came to mind, I had no intention of paying attention to them. It was time to focus on what really mattered. I had a good breakfast, brewed myself a pot of coffee and turned on my computer to work on my thesis.

I worked and I ate, and watched some TV. It was 6 pm when I remembered I had a phone.

Two missed calls from Goldman, one from Diane and seven from Victor. And a text. I read it.

I know you’re probably sleeping, so don’t worry about the missed calls. Just wanting to know if you’re doing well. Make sure you feed yourself. Call me if you need anything.

I replied.

Sorry, I was working and my phone was on mute. Everything is fine, don’t worry.

I was about to call Goldman back when Victor called.

“It’s me.” Like I wouldn’t know on the spot who that voice belonged to. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling good. I had a good rest, worked a bit. Thanks for asking.”

“Did you have a meal, at least? You didn’t eat much yesterday.” I rolled my eyes. It was like listening to my mother with a manly voice.

“I ate, don’t worry.” There was a pause. “Is that all you wanted to know?”

“Actually, I have something to tell you.” Another pause. Victor cleared his throat. “Since Ted is no longer working in LFG, I need someone to take his accounts. You’re the best person for the job.”

“Victor…” I was surprised by his decision. “You have other people working for you far longer than I am, way more experienced. I’m just the intern.”

“You’re right, I have employees far more experienced than you. But I watched you work with these partners. They trust you and they like to work with you. You have a keen eye for their needs and their strong points. When working closely with people, experience and knowledge are important, but can only go so far. It takes empathy to do a good job. You have that in spades.”

“I don’t know… This is huge.” I quipped.

“I know right now you have your thesis to finish and the French accounts, so I’m assigning Diane to work with you for the time being. I want you to keep your eye on your goals and not feel overwhelmed with this. You’ll have all the support you need from Diane, Goldman and me. When you finish your doctorate, you have a place in LFG, and Ted’s accounts are yours.”

“You’re not doing this because of what happened yesterday, right? Victor, you don’t need-“

“I’m doing this because of what happened the day before yesterday.” Victor interrupted me, sounding impatient. “I think I already made myself clear about that particular subject. I see your worth, even if you’re too much of an idiot to see it yourself.”

 I didn’t care for the name-calling, but he was promoting me, so I overlooked it.

“Ok, then. Thank you.”

 “One more thing. Due to your continued collaboration with Diane, I’ll have your desk placed close to Diane’s. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all. You probably want the office to yourself.”

“That is not the case, and even if it was, I wouldn’t notice it, since I will be traveling. The holidays are coming, and I need to meet some of the partners, tie some loose ends before the end of the year.” Victor sounded… sad for some reason? Maybe it was just me. He was probably just tired.

“Hope everything goes well with your travels. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I will try not to disappoint.”

“I’m sure you won’t.” There was a pause, followed by a sigh. “Bye.”

I had no idea why, but this felt more than a see you later. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I could actually feel the distance between us growing.

 The following weeks were the busiest of my life. Between my thesis, my own accounts and Ted’s accounts I barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone relax. This whole situation was a double-edged sword: it was a perfect distraction from my own personal issues but it was also a distraction from everything else. I seemed to live only for work, having no time for a coffee with friends or TV. And it was getting to me. Diane and Goldman were also barely keeping it together, they had recently started dating and there was no time for any romantic activities. Goldman would come to the company during the weekends to complete all the tasks Victor had given him, and Diane would be stuck at home with Netflix and a tub of ice-cream, her two new boyfriends.

“It’s like he’s dating Victor, not me.” Diane complained during the lunch break. “We can’t even have sex. It’s like Victor knows, because that will be the exact time he calls. I suspect he has a bug or a camera installed in Henry’s house, this can’t be mere coincidence.”

I hadn’t spoken to Victor since he gave me the new position in LFG. And although it wasn’t unusual, him being the busy man he was, it felt… weird. We had somehow built this proximity, and then, all of the sudden, it was gone. It was almost like he was avoiding me, sending his messages through Goldman instead of calling me directly, like he usually did. I wondered if we had never gotten this close at all and it was all in my head. Or worse, if, despite what he said in my apartment, knowing the details of my abuse changed his opinion of me. Both options hurt. I shook the thoughts from my head and gave my undivided attention to Diane.

 “Ok, listen… Victor is not Big Brother. I’m sure he didn’t install any cameras anywhere except LFG, so don’t try any shenanigans here. And he certainly isn’t watching you have sex with Goldman, unless he wants to be scarred forever. On the same note… The picture of Goldman dismounting you like a horse when he hears his phone ringing is something I will never be able to erase from my mind. Thanks a lot for that.” I joked.

“You’re just too uptight because you aren’t getting any!” Diane taunted.

“So what?” I shrugged. “Neither are you!” We both laughed.

I heard Goldman clear his throat behind me.

“Andy, did you finish your lunch already?” He looked at me, a stern look on his face.

“I know, I know, I need to call Sulley and Sons to see if they agree with the terms of the new proposal. I’ll be on my way.” I said, preparing to return to my desk.

“Yes, you do, but that’s not why I’m here. Can we have a word?”

Diane looked at me, eyes wide, surprised with how serious Goldman sounded. Without another word, I got up and followed him to the conference room. Without Victor around, Goldman could be just as severe as he was. I wondered if I should prepare for a scolding.

“It’s probably none of my business…” Goldman started as we sat down. “But I’m going to ask anyway. What’s up between you and the boss?”

I nearly fell from my chair, my face burning with embarrassment.

“W-what do you mean?” I stuttered.

“Oh please, Andy, I’d have to be really stupid not to notice.” He raised his eyebrow at me. “You two come to work and leave work together. You spend time together in the coffee room. After the whole Ted situation, when you took that day off, he tried to call you several times. Each time you didn’t answer, he would grow more anxious.” Goldman’s voice was accusing.

“My phone was on mute!” I defended myself.

“You were avoiding him, and you know it. And by the look on his face, he knew too.”

I didn’t know what to say. Victor thought I was avoiding him?

“And now, whenever he calls, he keeps using subterfuge to know how you are doing without really asking. I wouldn’t dare point that out to him, but I can see right through that.”

“I don’t understand. What are you trying to say to me?” I asked, feeling annoyed, but mostly confused.

“Just...” Goldman softened his tone. “This happened before, and it didn’t end well. I just don’t want that to happen again.”

“Jesus, Goldman, what happened?!?” I was started to feel seriously frustrated with this talk. “And what does it have to do with me?”

Goldman cleared his throat and took a deep breath. It seemed he wasn’t sure he should say what he was about to say.

“A few years ago, this girl came to LFG asking for funding. She had a small production company, nothing worth Victor’s time, but he agreed to fund it anyway. It turns out they met when they were just kids, shared a history together. And God, he was head over heels in love with her. He would keep a close eye on her at all times, taking care of every little problem she had, and most times she wouldn’t even suspect it. I remember she got hurt one day, during a production. Victor was extremely upset, his mind only able to focus on her and on how she was doing. Like he was with you when you didn’t answer your phone. Anyway, he was completely devoted to her.  All that effort, that protection, that personal investment, all for nothing.”

“What happened?” I asked, feeling a touch of jealousy.

“They never actually had a relationship, even though he was fairly clear about his intentions. I mean, I don’t think he ever really told her, but there were times I saw him being more than clear with his actions, and she would blush but never reciprocate. He would downplay it, he would say she was a dummy, too young, too innocent. Until one day he stopped reaching out for her altogether. No more invitations to the office, for dinner, no more souvenirs. But he kept his silent protection. If you ask me, I think he was trying to make her miss him. See if he could get a reaction out of her.”

“But he never did get a reaction, did he?” I said, my heart sinking. Worse than being insulted, is to be ignored. Suddenly, I felt like a jerk for not answering his calls. But he didn’t have feelings for me other than friendship, if at all, so he probably didn’t care. Or did he? My heart wasn’t sure anymore.

“Not for 10 months. One day, she waltzes in and asks for Victor. His eyes lit up when I mentioned her name, went to her with a smile on his face. She was there to personally invite him to her wedding. She was getting married to this cop she was seeing for over a year.” Goldman’s words were bitter.

“Ouch…” I muttered. Of course he was guarded. He had trust issues. It looked like she was stringing him along the entire time.

“He sulked for nearly a year. And never showed any interest in any woman again. Until you came.” Goldman raised his hands defensively. “I’m not saying he loves you or anything. But it’s clear to me you matter to him in some way, maybe just because you both experienced this Ted situation together, but still, you matter.” Goldman looked me dead in the eyes. “So if you don’t have any feelings for him, just make sure you make him see that. Because another disappointment like this will break him, Andrea. He may seem cold and act superior, but I can tell you he has the biggest heart I have ever seen.”

I remembered the last conversation I had with Victor, and how I never heard from him since. I didn’t matter that much. Goldman was wrong.

“You don’t need to worry, Goldie Hawn. Victor doesn’t want anything with me, trust me. Whatever you think you saw, it’s not real.”

Goldman sat in silence, thinking about what I just said.

“Well, if your done getting your nose in other people’s business, I have to do some actual work.” I said, getting up.

Goldman grimaced.

“Actually, I have something to tell you. You’re not going to like it.”