#and fascination with the subject

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Out of sight, out of - wait.

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[fafodill]

On Snape depriving himself sexually...

SO, I got hyperfocused and I hope you'll enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I needed only one person to tell me they were interested so thank you @severus-snaps haha. And thank you @wisteria-lodge for encouraging me !

This is a continuation of my previous post about Snape's relation with intimacy. I'm always a sucker for the pent up and deprived trope and I feel like Snape could fit the profile perfectly. Of course this is complete HC, as we literally have zero information about him having any personal life whatsoever so... pure speculation and meta discussion. Let's have fun, buckle up, here is why I think he'd make a great candidate for it :

Early teens: Many of us tend to interpret Snape as sexually inexperienced. This of course comes partly from his unpopularity in school, a time where teenagers start experimenting a bit. It's hard to imagine the little scrawny greasy potion nerd getting a lot of action. Though I'm open to thinking something might have happened here and there. I mean, girls also like smart and scrawny guys, I would love to read a fic where a Ravenclaw or Slytherin has a crush on him and he's utterly clueless because he's too engrossed in his books and when he realizes he's so flustered and clumsy about it. And they snog in the library and he's so afraid of getting caught by Mrs Pince. But being consistently bullied would have hurt his reputation, thus making people avoid being associated with him to not become targets as well. Also, his bullies were good-looking guys and it may have contributed to highlighting his bad looks in the public eye way more than if he had been left alone. And just with the nickname alone, but you won't tell me James and Sirius never insulted his nose, his hair, his complexion or his thin frame.

So one of the first core belief that might have emerged and latched itself to his sexuality would have been: I'm ugly/repelling.

But we don't have any proof in canon that he wasn't interested in romantic/sexual interactions back then. For all we know, he was a socially awkward teenager going through puberty. Even if he was certainly anxious and angry due to the bullying, he was still going through the same hormone cocktail as everyone.

HC : I've been wondering how the students find places to masturbate in peace and of course we don't exactly know why he invented the Muffliato charm but give me a Snape who was too whimpery to be completely silent and used it for this.

Post SWM though, I think it's safe to assume the trauma scared him unconsciously regarding the subject. Being perceived before wasn't easy, as he was aware he wasn't exactly good-looking and his self-esteem was impacted for sure, but after... oh boy. I can imagine him so traumatized that the mere idea of undressing in the vicinity of people was making his blood freeze. This may have led to hygiene issues as well, or only feeling safe to shower in the dead of night or at times where the dormitories where utterly empty. The shame linked to having his body and underwear exposed could have definitely stunned his sexual awakening as it happened at such a crucial age. How can you safely explore your own sexuality if every time you think about how ugly you are and that so many people saw your body and laughed at it ? (and the adults doing nothing to punish the people who did that hammered the beliefs that he was indeed laughable)

So second core belief added: I'm ridicule.

Also the SWM incident might have triggered his need to cover/shield his body from head to toe at all time and nobody can convince me otherwise.

At the very least I imagine masturbating would then be heavily linked to the anger and shame of that moment. The memory would either unlock or at least impact it unconsciously in some way, marking the act with a profound bitterness or stopping it altogether. The result: every time his body would ask for attention, he'd be overcome with very intense traumatic feelings and have no idea how to deal with them; so he'd start recoiling instinctively from any sexual thought. Also, since undressing/changing clothes became a triggering act, being even partially nude to touch himself would also stress him immensely.

So instead of indulging, he'd start developing coping mechanisms like focusing on anything else that brought him a sense of pleasure to trick his brain : potions, the dark arts, creating spells etc.

And of course, we can assume that even if someone was trying to approach him at that point, he'd recoil like a wounded animal, expecting mockery and reacting very aggressively.

After Hogwarts: We don't know what might have happened during his 3-4 years after school. We have a lot of creative space, though we know he got a Potion Mastery (??) so he must have studied somewhere and he was active within the DE circles. As @maxdibert pointed in a few posts - which I think is an astute point - the Dark Lord was aware of the affection/attraction Severus had felt towards Lily and, to prove his disinterest, he might have engaged with a few pureblood women. We could speculate on different situations here (and if anyone's interested we could explore this), but as I'm going for deprived!Snape, I'd say it wasn't helpful. At this point he's a young adult, torn between his inexperience and his limboing self-esteem. On top of that he's a deeply proud individual, obsessed with controlling the way he's being perceived. He's already occlumenting his emotions to remain safe, and well, engaging sexually does require some sort of vulnerability he isn't capable of at that point.

Maybe he said some harsh things to his partners when confronted with his clumsiness (even if they were kind), maybe he got bit back (and deserved it). He'd use these instances as confirmation bias to convince himself intimacy wasn't something emotionally safe, interesting nor even remotely pleasant enough.

Then there's Lily's death, and I personally don't see her as having a lot of influence on his sexuality directly (except maybe for the fact that when he had feelings for her, he might have felt she was 'too pretty for him', which fed the first core belief), but it did fuel a ton the last core belief which is : I'm undeserving (because I'm a bad person).

The undeserving part existed prior to her death. It stemmed from his upbringing (undeserving of care), of his social status (undeserving of material comfort), his blood status (undeserving of opportunities), his social awkwardness (undeserving of friendship), his special interest in the dark arts (undeserving of respect).

Lily's death crystallized such deep guilt inside of him that he devoted his life after that to atoning. I'm a firm believer that there's a clear before and after regarding the way he treated his body. Not that things were drastically different, but it made it worse. He ate less, slept less and touched himself even less. Probable not at all for a good few months, maybe even up to a year or so as he was extremely stressed from his new job, depressed and overcomed with grief. Honestly, at that point in his life he was barely functioning.

Then we have his adult life at Hogwarts: at that point in his life he's working and living where his worst trauma occurred. Not great for healing. During those years, he mastered the art of shutting down with occlumency everything he couldn't deal with, including his body's basic needs. He had excuses for everything. Sleeping? How could he rest when he had so much work to do dealing with the little shitheads and that infuriating Headmaster? Eating? Pfft, he had been fine all his childhood, so now he'd eat what he needed to function, but craving something and getting it wasn't something he'd allow himself. Masturbating? Tricky part, because he almost never thought about it anymore. He would not even treat it as a basic need. Like, sleep and food were still required to function, even in limited amount or he would pass out, but he could function without sex. Bottom line is, deep down he would feel undeserving of any sort of pleasure.

Rewarding his body, taking care of it wasn't allowed. It was part of his self-inflicted punishment.

But it would be still natural for his body to seek sexual release from time to time. He'd have hard-ons sometimes in the morning and ignore it until it went away, maybe take a cold shower or - why not - even take a potion he'd have invented to calm it down (or worse, to make it hurt so it would go down, if you want to go the masochistic way). The way I see it, every time he'd have an unwanted sensual/sexual thought (oh, this person at the Three Broomsticks has disarmingly pretty lips, this other person's got very elegant hands, or this one's hips look live they're meant to be grabbed), he'd shut it down immediately.

Fantasizing wouldn't be pleasant either. Each time, it would trigger the self-depreciating thoughts. Who are you fooling ? This person would never touch you, never look at you. And if they did, you wouldn't deserve it and would fuck it up anyway. Faceless people then, but it would still always be tainted with the ghost of years of bitterness, loneliness and unmet needs. So it'd be easier to pretend he doesn't have them or doesn't care. Of course this would do nothing to soothe his sour mood (and here talking from experience: I've been sexually frustrated quite a lot in my twenties, and I can definitely say that the mental relief you feel alongside the physical release when you get it is quite something. Like, I'd be a changed person, just because chemically my brain would finally be swimming again in endorphins. So yeah, at that point in his life I believe he's in dire need of a good shag and is partly always on edge because of this).

And when he would indulge in masturbation, it'd be because he's too tired to fight it or just because he knows that if he does, his body would leave him alone for a while. It would be quick, mechanical, in the dark, the mess cleaned up immediately and then forgotten about. The less thinking involved, the better so it wouldn't trigger the core beliefs. Maybe it'd happen when being tipsy after a night out with the other professors, or just when he was too stressed or exhausted at the end of terms and it was his body's way of asking for a break and a distraction.

I think he'd be also more prone to having his sexual needs resurface when he's not at Hogwarts and the mental toll of being there isn't weighing on him (maybe during summer or maybe even if he goes into the Forbidden Forest to gather potion ingredients, or a trip to Diagon Alley). He would find it really annoying, not realizing how the two are linked.

Then how would he be dealing with the constant tension and redirecting the release ? (fun stuff)

I think he could get a sick pleasure from being able to not indulge for long periods of time, thriving on his sense of control. He'd maybe even feel shame when he finally does, chastising himself for being weak.

When too tired to notice, late at night in his office, his body would hijack control a little bit and he'd start rubbing himself unconsciously with one hand while correcting essays and immediately stop upon realizing.

He'd be a GREAT candidate for edging. Like telling himself that if there's no release it doesn't count and he could get some pleasure whilst still shaming and punishing himself. Maybe sometimes even without touching himself directly, just letting the fabric rub on him, while shifting his hips just a bit. A good compromise he wouldn't want to analyze too closely.

Being pent up all the time makes one irritable, so some of that tension is fueling his already short-tempered nature and getting out by lashing out at idiots. It would also be a way to... spill out but with words (classy I know).

I don't see him doing any sport to get endorphins and relieve tension (though he does prowl the castle at night, that counts as walking haha).

The only part of his body I could see him pay attention to would be his hands as he uses them for potion work. He could be proud of their dexterity and I can imagine him taking care of them. Like, once of twice a week he'd put a cream or an ointment (self-made ofc) and massage his fingers and palms. Nothing sexual about it but it would be the closest he has to a gentle self-touch.

But mostly, his sole source of pleasure would still come from focusing on his interests. Working all night on improving a new potion, loosing himself in the method and appreciating his own skills, or reading about and experimenting with the Dark Arts (I don't think he ever stopped seeking knowledge, which is why he was able to save Dumbledore's ass from Marvolo's ring). These two things are his private garden, something that's inherently his despite everything, and it would be his way of pleasuring himself in an acceptable way: intellectually.

But what about the people around him or potential partners ?

He'd hate any sexual jokes or comments about him or in general. Sexually open people would make him angry (jealous). It'd irk him. As it's such a loaded and repressed subject for him he'd see them as flaunting their unspoken good experiences. He'd try to unconsciously shame them into silence by telling them they're being inappropriate. At the end of the day, it's just his way of protecting himself because he wouldn't know how to navigate the conversation, and his pride wouldn't let him feel ridiculed again.

He would also hate being looked at, even clothed. People judging his body would definitely trigger the awful memory from SWM. He would struggle immensely to accept the possibility of being looked at in an appraising way. If someone was sincere and stubborn enough to convince him they're not lying, he'd be extremely confused and wary.

And if he was to be attracted to that person as well, he'd have to deal with an almost second puberty on top of his core beliefs. He'd be so clumsy, so out of touch with his body and very frustrated with all the unwanted sensations he's not used to deal with. And that's such an interesting and fascinating subject aaaah.

At the end of the day, deep down he doesn't believes he deserves pleasure or comfort in his life so a partner would have to be patient with him. There's a lot of strategies they could try and I'd be delighted to explore them but I'm gonna stop here because this essay is so long already haha. SO, in conclusion:

He needs a good shag.

Thank you for reading.

UPDATE: go here to read how to bed deprived!Snape

I'd love to discuss how it would go with different characters trying to approach him, or I could talk about the classic trope of losing control because of his short temper but with him deprived, so many possibilties aaah, I love it when he's angry AND horny AND clumsy-

Also, my current favorite oneshot of deprived!Snape here : Cursed into Temptation by @marvel-snape-writes (very smutty, amazing, I'm on my knees)

[doubletroubletag]

thanks everyone for giving feedback and discussing my concerns, i appreciate it! but yeah building off the previous post cause now i'm just thinking more about my design and headcanons

in all honesty i chose the siffrins designs on a whim. in my previous comic i depicted the nonbinary protagonist in a more masculine based androgyny so this time i decided to go for a more personal take, b/c i could see aspects of that relating to siffrin.

mainly, i like how siffrin has a complete non-reaction to loop's star form (aside from, you know, the star aspect) + the cloak and hat being built for function over visual. i like to think that reflects how, at least pre-loops, how both Siffrins thought little to their body. it's all about function! pockets, so many pockets. i like the idea of the clothing pins are there for practical reasons (because it's a full cloak, there's no need for pins) like if there's a clothing emergency like a cloak tear, Siffrin could use the pins to keep the cloak together.

here's a doodle exploring this in more detail:

Something i really look forward to is exploring how both siffrins view fashion and gender expression post-loops! and how thats going to clash as resources and Keeping To The Bit Above All Else comes into play.

[seahorsepencils]

also can we just talk about the fact that in the Wish World, a woman can get away with calling another woman beautiful without setting off everyone's queer panic, but when a man does it to a man, it tips over the edge? so the Kates of the world are flying just under the radar, but are likely to be more emotionally repressed as a result - and yet, all the queer or queer-coded characters in this world are offered the same security and protection from doubt by the prospect of entering into an opposite-sex marriage...

[kittykatninja321]

Vibes so bad The Demon’s Head thinks you’re an abomination upon the earth

[finelythreadedsky]

ancient greece had some weird notions of the female going on. like what do you mean the innermost nature of women is the concealment of their nature? what is pandora an imitation of? if women are by nature deceptive, do they in fact reveal the truth of what they are in using their bodies to deceive? can you cover covering itself?

[writingdevil]

hiii! if you're still doing writing requests then may i ask for paracold? i loved the fic you did of them before and how you write the voices in general <3

(YES!! PARACOLD!! I love them, if you couldn't tell. I got straight up possessed the last time I wrote them and I'm actually really proud of how that one came out, so I hope this one will be just as good. Enjoy!)

Paranoid had hoped that once they had been allowed freedom and physical forms, that maybe his fears and anxiety would lessen. But of course, why would that ever be the case?

He thought that things would actually be better for him if he only had himself to worry about, but it became very clear very fast that his mind was a prison.

No matter how peaceful and safe their lives now were, Paranoid's mind just couldn't stop coming up with worst case scenarios, turning every little fear into a wriggling mass of terror within him.

Some instances, he could manage to get under control with a few minutes to himself-remind himself that he was safe, and if that terrible thing was true, then the best course of action was to distrust it, and keep himself and his flock safe.

A lot of his fears came from danger, and the fear of experiencing the trauma he had in the past again, but funnily enough, those were the fears that Paranoid had an easier time with controlling, because he's experienced that type of stress plenty of times now, so he knows how to deal with it.

But then Paranoid was surprised to find that there were other, more emotional fears, that he was now a victim of, ever since getting his own body.

He always cared and worried about his flock, but now he found himself thinking and reflecting on how the others saw him-quite a lot now.

Does Skeptic truly see him as crazy? Is he sometimes too harsh on Broken when he doesn't need to be? Is Hero sick of calming him down after all this time?

While these thoughts plagued him frequently, there was one that continued to torment him every second of the day.

Will Cold lose interest in him?

There was nobody more surprised than Paranoid when he found himself slowly being pulled into Cold's orbit, until the two of them formed an attraction that was both exhilarating and relaxing at the same time.

Cold offered him relief when things got too intense. He didn't immediately see his fears as crazy, instead calmly talking sense to him, helping him see his fears as less daunting than what Paranoid believed them to be.

Cold made Paranoid feel safe and stable when his mind tried to trick him otherwise-along with a million other things he could say about Cold.

But despite how his heart beat wildly for the other bird, the one thing that his mind kept getting fixated with, was the thought of Cold getting bored of him.

Everyone knows what Cold's deal was at this point, how he wanted to seek out the unknown and intriguing, and numb the mundane. Surprisingly, his search led him to Paranoid.

Cold insisted that everything about Paranoid interested him, from how he would conceptualise his fears, to their differing beliefs, and how Paranoid refused to leave Cold in his state of nothingness.

But would that interest fade away with time? What would happen when Cold discovered all he needed to about Paranoid?

Would he leave Paranoid?

That was the current fear that was always eating away at him in the back of his mind, that Cold would get rid of him one day, and all their time together would have been nothing more than measly fun for him.

Every time that they embraced, every kiss that they shared-Paranoid was constantly fearing that it would be the last one, and he would never get a chance to experience those soft moments again.

Paranoid knew it wasn't healthy. He definitely knew it wasn't fair to Cold, to be assuming these things about him, but once the thought entered his head, he couldn't get it out, to the point that it was beginning to taint the happy times he still got to share with Cold.

It got to the point that Paranoid had trouble sleeping-well, he always had trouble with that-but more so with Cold-like tonight, for example.

Currently, it was the middle of the night, and Paranoid's mind was tormenting him once again, and he just stared at a random spot on the wall, waiting pointlessly for sleep as his tired eyes burned.

He could feel Cold behind him, the soft rise and fall of his chest against Paranoid's back, one arm draped over his waist, and his cool breath hitting the back of his neck, sending pleasant shivers down his spine.

Usually being held like this made Paranoid feel safe, but then he started to try and memorise the way Cold's body felt against his own, and then that led to another spiral of painful anxiety.

Paranoid's body felt restless, with a need to toss and turn to try and escape these emotions. But every time he so much as nudged away or even twitched, Cold would just sigh deeply and pull Paranoid even closer against him.

Paranoid sighed in defeat, attempting to shove his face further into his pillow to try and escape his messy thoughts, when he suddenly felt Cold mumble into the back of his neck, "Why aren't you asleep?"

Paranoid froze, trying to ignore what the low, raspy tone of Cold's voice was doing to him, and attempted to act asleep, hoping Cold would believe him, but then he felt Cold shuffle behind him, moving his head to whisper into his ear, "I know you're awake. Your body is as stiff as a rock."

Paranoid sighed, shifting awkwardly in Cold's grip. "Sorry," he muttered, "can't sleep."

"Why? What's wrong now?"

Paranoid tried to hide his flinch at the question, gripping the sheets tight as he said, "Nothing's wrong. I just can't sleep."

Cold chuckled behind him, and Paranoid could feel Cold's gaze wandering all over him, as he replied in amusement, "You're a terrible liar."

Paranoid sighed again, more harshly this time, and twisted his body around so that he was staring up at the ceiling. He refused to look at Cold as he said, "It's the truth. I'm just struggling to fall asleep, but I'll be fine. You don't have to stay awake for me."

Even if he wasn't looking at Cold, he could definitely feel the eye roll of the other, and then Cold's arm squeezed him once as he said, "Hard to fall asleep when I can feel the panic coming from you."

Paranoid turned his head away, but then a wave of icy air hit him as Cold sighed-and then Cold suddenly twisted around and moved to sit up above him and lean over him, grabbing Paranoid by the jaw with one hand and the other holding onto his hip.

Cold gently turned his head to face him, and Paranoid gulped at the sight of Cold's piercing eyes in the dark.

Cold stared down at him in silence for a few seconds, before his eyes narrowed and he asked, "What's wrong?"

"I told you, nothing's wrong."

"It's never nothing with you. There's always a reason why you can't fall asleep, so tell me."

Paranoid gritted his teeth in frustration, but one tap of Cold's finger against his jaw made his muscles relax against his will. Paranoid hated how easy it was to relax around Cold.

They sat there in silence, and Paranoid hoped that he could just wait it out, that if he was stubborn long enough, Cold would lose interest and leave Paranoid to his insomnia-but he didn't.

Paranoid sighed in defeat, and he caught the subtle quirk of Cold's lips, but he ignored it, in favour of looking down at Cold's chest, and quietly said, "There's just something on my mind that I can't stop worrying about."

"I gathered that," Cold said, and Paranoid shot him an annoyed glare. "What's got you worked up this time?"

Paranoid fisted the sheets underneath him, and despite the weight on his chest, he knew that there was no way to avoid this.

He looked at anything that wasn't Cold's face as he hesitantly said, "I've been worrying about something-important, and it involves you, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."

"I doubt I will." Cold's hold on his jaw loosened up, until he was just caressing it, and Paranoid's eyes fluttered shut at the touch, but before he could fully enjoy it-those thoughts came back.

Thoughts telling him that Cold was only doing this to get him to go asleep, that Paranoid was wasting Cold's time by acting like this, that tonight was when Cold realised that he was too much work to be considered interesting anymore, and end things.

"Hey."

Suddenly, Paranoid was thrown back into reality, and blinked up at Cold, who had leaned further down to him, and was also starting to run his hand up and down his side, comforting him.

"Get out of your head-it's a mess in there. Focus on me."

Paranoid did. He focused on the feel of Cold's soft touches, grounding him to this moment, and Cold even blew a puff of cold air to soothe him-and then Paranoid knew.

Paranoid knew he couldn't keep these thoughts in his head any longer.

"I've been thinking about you, about us, and our future."

Cold was patiently silent.

"I-I-guess I've just been worrying about what will happen in the future."

"What kind of things?" Cold asked, and Paranoid lowered his head in shame. "It's-It's really stupid and dumb-and I know that. But I can't stop thinking about it."

"What is it?"

"What if-" Paranoid paused, taking a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for disappointment, annoyance, or even hurt, from Cold. "What if you get bored of me?"

There. It was out.

The silence was unbearable, and Paranoid forced himself to look Cold in the eye, to try and figure out how he was feeling.

But Cold's face was just blank as he looked down at him, and Paranoid was beginning to think that this was the end-when Cold hummed thoughtfully, and said, "You're right. That is a very dumb thought."

Instead of getting annoyed, Paranoid jumped right to defending himself. "I'm sorry-I know it's wrong to think-I just-"

"You're worried about becoming boring around me?" Cold asked, and Paranoid tensed up at the question, but still nodded. He looked away as he said, "It's just-what if I become predictable and dull to you?" His nerves crept back up in that moment. "You wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't make you feel anything, and the last thing I'd want to feel like you forcing yourself to do things with me-"

"I wouldn't see a point in pretending to like something with you," Cold calmly argued, and Paranoid still couldn't tell if he was offended or not. "We'd just be wasting each other's time."

A small bit of tension left Paranoid's body at Cold's words. He was right. Cold would never play along for the sake of another's feelings. He did what he believed needed to be done, sparing no one, not even Paranoid.

He found a comfort in that, that Cold would never let them play along in a relationship that was long past dead.

Cold stroked a thumb along Paranoid's jawline, and Paranoid tried not to lose focus in that moment. "So," Cold continued, "I think it's safe to say that I'm not forcing myself to be around you."

"But what if that still happens?" Paranoid nervously asked, trying to move his head away from Cold's grip, but to no avail. "Not the pretending, but the fact that one day you might seek something that I can't give you anymore."

Paranoid suddenly felt tears welling up in his eyes, and he tried to sharply turn his head away, but Cold quickly cupped Paranoid's cheek to keep them facing each other.

Paranoid unsuccessfully tried to bat Cold's hand away, and in a fit of frustration he snapped, "Stop that! You're not helping!"

Cold's eyes froze Paranoid to the spot as he countered with in a low voice, "Endlessly worrying about how our relationship could end also doesn't strike me as helpful."

They locked eyes for what felt like forever.

But Paranoid broke first.

All the fight left his body, and he slumped in Cold's hold, leaning further into his hand.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling utterly disgusted with himself. "I'm sorry for thinking those things about you. I'm awful."

"You're not awful," Cold softly argued, him being the one to avoid eye contact this time. "You're just scared, and you can't help that."

"Would it be so bad," Cold began tentatively, his hand on Paranoid's hip delicately brushing the feathers, "If I lost interest in you? Why does that scare you so much? If anything, I'll just be one less thing to worry about."

Paranoid's hand reached up to grab at the hand cupping his cheek, wrapping his fingers around Cold's chilly wrist. His gaze softened as he took in Cold's-mostly-blank face, but Paranoid could see the darkness clouding in his eyes, and he gave his wrist a small squeeze to get his attention.

Cold looked back at him, and Paranoid felt his face burn as he admitted, "It scares me because then that would mean everything we did didn't mean as much to you. It would make me feel-like you had taken a piece of me and thrown it away, and I wouldn't be able to get it back."

He didn't want that. He didn't want to go through that pain. He's seen the way Broken and Smitten can get, and he's scared of breaking like that.

Cold could have all of Paranoid's pieces, so long as he wishes to cherish them.

Cold's eyes widened slightly at that, and Paranoid wanted to keep apologising, for thinking the worst of Cold, for questioning his loyalty to Paranoid-but before he could, Cold hummed again, getting his attention.

"I mean that much to you?" he asked, and Paranoid couldn't tell if he was asking for clarification, or was genuinely surprised. Either way, Paranoid's heart began to race, and he found that words weren't coming to his head fast enough, so he just nodded.

Then Cold surprised Paranoid by laughing-letting soft, amused chuckles spill out of him, and Paranoid just stared, wide eyed up at his partner, having no idea if this reaction was good or bad.

Cold's eyes flashed with amusement, and he leaned down, close enough that Paranoid could trace the feathers on the other's face, sticking out and ruffled from his slumber, and Paranoid wanted nothing more than to just gently run his fingers through them and preen them back into place.

The intensity in Cold's lidded eyes made Paranoid's breath hitch, as Cold whispered into the darkness, "Well, unfortunately, I find myself captivated by you."

Paranoid's response was nothing more than a hushed breath, "Why?"

Cold trailed the hand that had been at his side, up to his chest, right where his pounding heart was. He shrugged and said, "I always feel like you have the most interesting and useful outlook. My mind keeps going back to you, because I know you'll give me what I want. You feel so much, so much so that you're even in charge of the automatic nervous system. Who wouldn't want to peer inside your mind?"

"But that's just curiosity," Paranoid argued, and he wasn't sure why he was arguing against Cold on their relationship. "Your curiosity will fade, and you'll know everything you need to know. There's only so much of me that can keep your attention."

Paranoid was just terrified of being abandoned, as if he was nothing more than a tool for someone to use, as if he didn't have his own feelings on the matter. Cold wasn't evil, Paranoid knew this, but Cold also never let himself get weighed down by things that he deemed useless.

Paranoid just didn't want to be one of those useless things.

Cold studied him for a few seconds, and then he asked him, "Can you remind me who asked who out?"

The question surprised Paranoid, but the answer still immediately came to his head. "You did."

Cold nodded, rubbing his thumb over his cheek softly. "That's right. I wouldn't get involved with something or someone if I didn't think I could commit to it."

Paranoid looked away, ashamed-but Cold wouldn't let him. He always made sure Paranoid's eyes were on him.

"I'm not mad at you for thinking like that. You've spiralled over less important things. Honestly, I'm surprised it took you this long to have worries about us."

That actually got a chuckle out of Paranoid, and the heaviness in his heart lessened, especially when he saw the upward quirk of Cold's mouth.

Cold continued to gently rub his cheek as he said, "Even if I learn every tick and tell of yours, every path you could go down, I'll always find myself gravitating towards you."

"You don't think you'll get bored and sick of me?" Paranoid asked, and Cold shook his head, moving his hand down from his cheek and back to his jaw.

"What if it's not boredom in the end but-satisfaction? Contentment?" Cold suggested and-oh, oh Paranoid hadn't thought of that.

Cold smirked as the realisation showed on Paranoid's face, and he leaned back a bit, with a satisfied glint in his eyes.

"I can see myself sticking with you until the end," Cold said, and Paranoid's body was beginning to relax again, and all the tension and anxiety that had gripped his mind was starting to leave him, and his arms found themselves wrapping around Cold's middle.

Paranoid gave the other a small smile and teased, "Till death do us part? How romantic of you."

But then Cold went, "Oh, no," chuckling in a sinister tone as he leaned up straight to fully loom over Paranoid, his grip on his jaw tightening like at the start of this confrontation.

His eyes were shining with a dark promise as he whispered, "Death won't keep you from me."

Paranoid's breath hitched-and then suddenly his feathers were fluffing up without his consent, and he realised in a moment of mortification that he was swooning over Cold's words.

Cold realised this too, as Paranoid heard his breath also hitch-and then the next thing Paranoid knew, Cold was swiftly leaning down to press their lips together.

Paranoid sighed into the kiss, finally feeling as if he had been released from a dark prison of his own making, and now he was free to love his partner again without any fear.

The kiss was soft and firm, filling Paranoid with a warmth that spread all across his body. It was a reassuring kiss-one that let him know that Cold was here and he wants to be.

Paranoid's eyes began to droop, and his movements started to slow, until Cold broke the kiss with a content sigh, leaning down to half lay on Paranoid, one arm wrapped across his chest firmly, and Cold tucked his face into the crook of Paranoid's neck, and he pressed a final kiss there, making Paranoid sigh in relief.

"Now," Cold mumbled, "go to sleep. It's far too late to be thinking about anything this deeply."

Paranoid chuckled, nuzzling his face against Cold's, feeling himself slip deeper and deeper into slumber.

"Okay," he mumbled, "sorry again."

"It's fine. Goodnight."

"G'night Cold," Paranoid whispered, struggling to stay awake at this point, and he was about to let sleep take over him when he whispered, "I love you."

Paranoid fell asleep, not aware of how Cold stiffened at his words, staring at Paranoid for a long, long time.

He was also still asleep when Cold decided to lean into his ear, and whisper three certain words back to him.

[always-a-joyful-note]

To Be Hero X, the most idol donghua that isn't an idol donghua that there ever was....

[fuumiku]

Laios & Marcille relapse AU!

My grab at baking dogboy Laios into an AU and yay laicion to top it off! Yaad is having a stroke! ^^

Soooo they had to hire a wolf beastman coach for the king's new behavioral impulses. It's a criminal yes but a PARDONED criminal after the last dungeon war! How many wolf beastkins, which are ILLEGAL, ready at the call of the government (and not too important to send away) do you think there are. This is also a show of alliance! The official answer though is that you two know each other already.

Cue Lycion being a bad teacher who just always goes "Okay so when you get the urge to eat raw meat, don't do that" and a Laios who's been enabled one too many times and is now running off doing whatever he wants howling at midnight in his room, cue therian on furry violence, cue Lycion corruption arc where Laios goes "come be a dog with me :3" more and more convincingly. They were born to play fight together as wolf monstery humanoids, thank you

Alternatively this is all fanfic that king Laios is making of himself when he has free time. The classic "skip work and be a wolf" fantasy

My ipad is still broken and I've still lost my last 2 years of art wips so more doodles & AUs to keep me sane, giggles! 2025 becomes the year where I make art I want for no reason always, real

[fromedennn]

decay and feeding new life—

kathiann kowalski // hozier // kobayashi eitaku // cyrus martin // friedrich heyser // gail potocki // william shakespeare

[notbecauseofvictories]

just came off my shift as an election judge and I honestly think we should make people do this. I support abolishing the draft, and I even think that jury duty can get complicated, but everyone in the country should be forced to learn about election procedure, then have to sit around for 14 hours and practice being customer service for democracy. I think that would fix us.

[meirimerens]

also at that lecture one the phd students was this guy from boston and it was really fun to hear how his french was like just a bit accent-bearing like that's bound to happen yknow, nowhere as accent-heavy as like. my british english prof at art school had his own french accent-bearing. and then suddenly pronounces "impact" the purebloodest american way ive ever heard it. really giving "Toby Fox pronouncing Touhou Project in a japanese sentence" type of stuff.

[betweensaintsandmonsters]

okay okay vampire obi-wan and anemic human anakin who goes to be his meal at like a fancy vampire bistro that pays willing humans to "donate" blood (get bitten) and tastes like shit whomst obi-wan then tries to take care of (in all the ways he can from sunset to sunrise) first so his food tastes good (bc anakin keeps coming back) and then because he cares

sends cookbooks to his apartment, tries to get him to go to the doctor, sends him other little gifts when he sees thinks that make him think of anakin, obi-wan just like wants to take care of his boy because he's clearly not taking care of himself (he signed up to be vampire food so that much should have been obvious) and obi-wan just wants him well is that too much to ask?

they fight about this often. (first: "how did you get my address?" "It's on the form you filled out to be here" "invasion of privacy much?" then: "you could always just... choose someone else?" "and let another vampire suffer from your lack of self care? absolutely not."") ("i don't know why you're putting so much into this? "i must have nothing else to do.") ("if this bothers you so much... just let someone else feed off me." "no.")

anakin stops showing up to be dinner for a few weeks and obi-wan gets worried. but he's not sure how far he's allowed to go in his worry, they're technically just... predator and prey (though obi-wan wouldn't describe them like that) it's just that no one tastes like anakin (that's definitely it) and nobody sasses him like anakin, and nobody is anakin and anakin is missing and clearly if he's been gone this long he can't possibly be okay

(and obi-wan is right, anakin isn't okay. he's in the hospital with an arm that might need to be amputated (but it was obi-wan's favorite place to drink from since he won't touch anakin's neck for reasons he WON'T explain)

(if you asked obi-wan why he didn't bite anakin's neck to begin with, he'd heavily imply there's no reason, but when pressed, it would be that anakin let's out this breathy moan when he's bitten, and it's music to obi-wan's ears, a symphony to his soul, he doesn't think he'd survive it if that was right in his ear, he'd have to kiss the boy then and there, have to keep him, and he can't do that, so his neck is off limits. it is IMPERATIVE anakin does not know this)

and he's lost a lot of blood and he's suffering and not alone because ahsoka and padme keep visiting, but he doesn't know how much he misses obi-wan until he isn't seeing him)

so one night obi-wan goes to anakin's apartment to see he isn't there and hasn't been there in weeks based on sent, and panics because what if he drove his beautiful boy away, or what if someone went after him, and obi-wan can't go in bc vampire rules say he needs permission and also it's good manners.

eventually anakin comes back to him, sans one arm, apologetic because "i know that's where you liked to bite" as if that could possibly be the reason that obi-wan is as upset as he is when he comes in. "i'd understand if you need a different meal," he says, as if that's all he is when obi-wan refuses to bite him because for the first time, he looks fragile and that's heartbreaking

so anakin leaves and obi-wan is gobsmacked, flabberghasted, realized anakin waited to have this conversation as close to sunrise as possible so obi-wan couldn't follow him out of the bar, but he doesn't realize that his vampire would absolutely run into the sun for him (except quin and satine 1000% don't let him "that's not how you get your man, he doesn't want a pile of dust, where's that going to get you, man, think for just a fraction of a second")

so obi-wan send anakin more little gifts, things he can puzzle out one handed as he gets used to being an amputee, trinkets he might enjoy, notes that are meant to make him smile, or that say he'll find somewhere else to feed on the boy if that's going to get him to come back when nothing else has worked. all he wants is to let anakin know that he's he's appreciated, make him feel wanted and loved.

eventually anakin sends him a note back with his phone number and then texts him to come over. he makes obi-wan stand on his stoop for an excruciating amount of time and he gets a lecture about personal space, and respecting people's wishes and "it doesn't matter that you're 300 years old, some people just don't want anything to do with you!" and anakin tries to say all of this with a straight face, before he cracks because he misses obi-wan and it is an act, and he's been in love with this vampire since he decided it was his job to take care of one human that wasn't taking care of himself.

then anakin kisses him and gives him a goofy grin and asks "what are you doing just standing there?"

"are you inviting me in?"

"i guess i am. you're stuck with me though, i'm your problem now."

"darling, you've been my problem for a long time, and i wouldn't have it any other way."

and eventually they fuck, and obi-wan bites anakin's neck, and here's his symphony played out in the most desirable circumstances. and they live happily ever after

(until anakin pesters him about making him a vampire "so i can be your problem, permanently" and they argue about it, but agree that anakin gets a life first "you've gotta be at least 40 before i turn you, i'm not going around looking like i forever robbed the cradle!" "you're not even 40! 25." "nope." "fine, 30 then, final offer." "and if I say no?" obi-wan's grin is feral, like he knows he's lost but he's still willing to play the game. "i know you won't" so does obi-wan)

[slavicafire]

would love to write some plot or smut as initially intended, instead of yet another chapter yapping incessantly on the dynamics of homosexual desire and the vastly varying, personal but tempered by cultural, outlooks on it expressed by different characters in the silly 15th century bohemian fanfic.

[stardustalien]

i was making a post about how part of the reason i love mistynat is that they’re basically doomed as a pair, at least in canon. and i’m thinking about how the pair of them are fucked up soulmates and just how fucking weird they get about each other as adults and just how are more people not haunted by these absolute freaks and their relationship?????

[wackywatchdotcom]

on the subject of pomni and zooble im deeply invested in seeing how their dynamic plays out. theyve had like.... two proper interactions. one of which is barely even both people like zooble delivers Bad News to pomni and pomni doesnt really seem like shes noting whos saying it so much as the fact that shes being told things by a bunch of strangers and is panicking about it and then zooble scowls in the bg for the next five minutes before jax drags ragatha and pomni off. the most theyve actually interacted is in ep 4 when zooble asks pomni abt ep 3, pomni tells them and then they get deeply upset for a reason that revolves around 'why did caine think i would enjoy possession'

we generally dont really know what their dynamic even is they just kinda exist around each other. that said zooble tends to sound harsh like half the time but like... theyre not mean theyrw just blunt. i think above all else zooble is actually more concerned w the safety of the other cast members than one would assume. we see it best in eps 2 and 4 i think. in ep 2 theyre patient w ragatha, smth theyre not in the pilot. but the circumstances are different. in the pilot this is just another shitty day, that keeps getting worse. they dont even get to sit out the adventure despite being told they can. but ep 2 they get time to themself, and know ragathas probably not really handling things well

and i think abt it a lot but them being ragathas designated driver is like. really notable imo actually. because ragatha isnt in danger. its unclear where theyre driving or if theyre driving, but zooble goes oh, ragatha cant be trusted to drive. even though ragathas been pissing them off all day. even though if ragatha actually got herself injured it would be fixable and its unclear if ragatha would even notice. if zooble didnt care they couldve just left. if zooble was worried abt gangle theyd have stayed (theyre clearly concerned for her, but i dont think they read it as danger- so making sure ragatha stays physically safe becomes a higher priority. it also says smth abt the amnt of faith they have in gangle, even if it was technically misplaced here. i think they get worried about gangle but to them the highest risk member is kinger, not gangle. on some level i dont know if theyve been in the circus long enough to see any patterns in when people abstract). but they make sure ragatha gets back safe. because she pissed them off that day but could tell something was up, and that even if shed be okay in the end, they wanted to be sure that ragatha wasnt hurt

i think it speaks to the actual level of concern they exhibit for the others. theyre cautious. them and pomni ar ethe most visibly distrusting of caine. and i think it relates to zooble not having been here long. jax and ragatha in particular may ebe able to ignore the slapstick bullshit of the circus, may be able to walk off an injury just fine because its just part of life, but as far as zoobles concerned they want to avoid it if possible. i think they know its not normal for things to be this way and they cant change it but they can stop pointlessly harmful things from happening

i think their spiel abt the others in ep 3 is also very telling in that they actually have a really flattering description for ragatha and gangle. ragathas too nice, and i dont think thats obliviousness. i think zooble is one of the more emotionally intelligent characters, they just have little patience and arent 'sweet' about it. theyre extremely aware of the other characters imo. they just... genuinely think ragathas nice. i dont think ep 4 even changed that. and gangles too ahy to speak up. they say this not in a way thats critical. in fact its one of the calmest things theyve said in the whole show im pretty sure. they care abt her and know how she feels even if shes not confident enough to say it to caine

and getting back to pomni is that their assessment of pomni is that 'she looks traumatized everytime she comes back for one' (iirc some other translations are even more explicit in this description of pomni as being impacted by the adventures). implying theyve not only been very much paying attention, but q the way they say it they seem Genuinely Concerned. i think on some level theyre irritated by pomni, not on a personal level but bc pomni is The New One. she hasnt settled in, and i think zooble gets irritated by the song and dance of a person finding out that what they already have to cope with as being Their Life Forever, Now is also theirs. but its not personal, and i dont think its smth zooble holds against her. but i think zooble has definitely picked up on the fact that pomni is having a very rough go at it for her first days- esp since the harshest they get is before caine gives his spiel abt the fake exit door or before its clear that pomni saw kaufmo, too. and from the start of ep 4 its clear that they heavily dislike the measures caine is taking to appeal to them (and id argue that part of their response to caine is in part frustration at him putting the others at risk, but thats getting more into my personal speculation without a huge basis)

i think zooble is a person who largely expresses care for others through concern and, honestly to some degree, helping people. which now that i say it is fascinating considering ragathas whole deal. and the trajectory pomnis going in. or the fact that im not sure they know kinger all that well yet (they know a bit abt him but i think without talking to him in the dark a person would miss a large amount of context). or their deeply interesting dynamic with caine, a person who prides himself on his role as an entertainer for others and has no other goals at all. it creates an interesting contrast when i think theyre one of the few characters who even helps others successfully at all

anyway, this all got off track and wasnt what i actually even made this post to talk about. my intent was to mention that i dont think zooble has actually seen pomni when shes more stressed. i mean theyve seen her post ep 2, which is notable, and theyve seen her get panicked in the pilot and probably saw her Not Looking Well at the feast. but ehile the audience has seen pomni Freak Out and be jumpscared or launch herself at a gate (plus select members of the cast), zooble has certainly not. we also have that advert where ahe attacks jax that is noncanon but depicts a aide of pomni not seen super clearly in the eps yet, that of which being violence. all of this is to say im not sure zooble actually knows about pomnis capacity to attack things and i find it funny to imagine zooble finding out and getting startled because they knew pomni was nervous but they havent seen that side of it yet

(and to a lesser extent, i think gangle- and ragatha sort of- are the only characters whove actually seen pomnis capacity to be patient with people. gummigoo doesnt remember. its implied kinger forgot- even if its vague how much he forgot pomni was scared thru most of that and the brief moment of patience she had was VERY short-lived. ragatha got pomnis little apology type thing in ep 3 but thats it. i think gangle is the one whos actually seen the most of this from pomni. so i imagine gangle probably has one of if not the most flattering image of her of the entire main cast, despite the fact that pomni does actually say smth that upsets gangle too earlier- which ive been meaning to make a post abt how each of the cast members upset gangle in a way unique to that persons own issues but thats smth ill talk abt later- and i think gangle wouldnt blatantly state this in detail to zooble, maybe say that pomni helped her out, but i think if gangle told zooble abt this at all itd make zoobles image of pomni even more skewed. and way more likely that seeing pomni attack someone would startle them)