#and hopefully I’m making (very) slow progress

[nightwingandhissquad]

young justice (up to s3) is finally on uk/international netflix they’ve finally remembered us and given international fans a way to legit watch it and give it views it only took them 5 years

[quokki]

idk when / if I’ll be making more content (maybe not for this era) but I just wanted to say that I adore my lil hanji

[librarycards]

Hello! I am trying to read “the right to maim” by jasbir k puar and I am getting almost nothing out of it, bc of the depth + breadth of academic concepts :( I’m particularly frustrated by it bc it seems to talk about subjects I think about, talk about and do daily, like disability, transness, and (anti)colonialism. I’m most of the way through the intro and it’s gone almost entirely over my head except for a couple isolated paragraphs that are meaningful.

Do you have any advice for how I can get the most out of this book? My main limiter is time, bc I got it out from the library and it is highly requested so I can’t have it for very long

Hi anon! First of all, in terms of time, I recommend piracy. I recommend it in general. I'm not going to post links here in order to protect the places I use, but dm me if you want them.

If you're having difficulty with the concepts (which makes sense - right to maim is a challenging book!) I recommend going back to basics with some background reading. You can get some of Puar's rec'd background reading from the bibliography, and from the keywords she uses in the preface of the text. a few that I see (i'm looking at the PDF now) include debility, rhizome/rhizomatic, soverignty, biopolitics, homonationalism, impairment [in the disability studies sense], precarity, and neoliberalism. if i was teaching this preface, i'd have students break down each of these terms (and probably others, this is just from a skim) using outside readings. it's totally normal to feel overwhelmed when jumping into a scholarly text w/o any context, and most people who use and cite this book have past experience reading Puar's interlocutors and existing familiarity with this language.

you can get up-to-date while reading using resources in tandem with this text. For example, you can read Puar's discussion of debility at that link to get a sense of the context. You can read a decent summary of Foucault (the coiner of the term "biopower") and his thought at Brittanica. I recommend using Google Scholar for terms you're not familiar with, and taking quick notes so that you don't have to google them all over again each time. if you think you have enough context with a new word but aren't 100%, keep reading and use other clues. think about academic reading like learning a new language. the strategies are very similar! because it basically is.

I recommend using the annotation strategies i just mentioned in this post (and/or developing your own). i also recommend looking up Puar's talks on youtube - she's a well-known scholar who does a lot of events, and has spoken extensively about this book and its genealogy (especially in relation to praxis / Palestinian liberation). You can also read her talk with the hosts of Death Panel, my absolute favorite podcast.

Below, I'm going to give you an example of how I close-read, annotate, and analyze a paragraph from Right to Maim (and, by extension, other academic texts. This strategy may not work for you 100%, but hopefully it gives you some solid suggestions. Overall, remember that learning to read scholarly work takes time. A long ass time. Even when it's about things you've experienced yourself! Academia has its own conventions, verbiage, knowledge base, etc, and it's a learning curve for everyone. Don't expect yourself to read as fast or get as much as someone more familiar with the conventions of academic writing - anticipate reading all of these works many, many times, and getting more with each reading. Progress is more important than perfection, and improvement, even if slow, *will* happen, as long as you don't give up. <3

Below is a quote from the preface to Right to Maim, where Puar lays out her argument. I recommend everyone highlight/remember paragraphs like these (pretty much every ac text will have something like this in the beginning as a roadmap) to anchor their reading practice and help them get the most from a book (emphasis mine):

In The Right to Maim, I focus less on an impor­tant proj­ect of disability rights and disability studies, which is to refute disability as lack, as inherently undesirable, and as the sign, evidence, or fetish of injustice and victimhood. I am not sidestepping this issue. Rather, I centralize the quest for justice to situate what material conditions of possibility are necessary for such positive reenvisionings of disability to flourish, and what happens when those conditions are not available. My goal ­here is to examine how disability is produced, how certain bodies and populations come into biopoliti­cal being through having greater risk to become disabled than ­others. The difference between disability and debility that I schematize is not derived from expounding upon and contrasting phenomenological experiences of corporeality, but from evaluating the vio­lences of biopo­liti­cal risk and metrics of health, fertility, longevity, education, and geography.

In the bolded part, Puar outlines what she's not doing: she's not taking a mainstream (white, colonial) disability studies approach, which is, in her words, to refute disability as "lack." She's stating that her goal isn't simply to prove disabled people as equal to able-bodied people, or to claim that disability can be good and liberating (though it is/can be!). Her point is to look at the conditions in which people become disabled, and stay disabled. Often, these conditions are violent and unjust. Acknowledging this injustice kinda throws a wrench into western models of disability pride.

So, if she's not interested in just arguing that disability ≠ badness, what is she arguing? she's looking, in the latter half of the paragraph, to how people become disabled in multiple ways. One, using the verbiage in the book, she's interested in how people become debilitated - physically incapacitated in a way that may not line up with the social category of "disability"). She's also interested in how "disability" as a social identity is constructed - that is, why do disability rights groups look at Palestinians maimed by the IOF and see an injured civilian, but not a disabled comrade? words and context matter immensely. she's looking at why, and what are the implications.

that last sentence sums up the distinction she's making: "The difference between disability and debility that I schematize is not derived from expounding upon and contrasting phenomenological experiences of corporeality, but from evaluating the vio­lences of biopo­liti­cal risk and metrics of health, fertility, longevity, education, and geography."

the difference, she argues, between disability as western disability studies sees it and debility as experienced by people under colonial occupation isn't because we experience our bodyminds differently, or because Palestinians (for example) magically aren't as hurt by occupation as their white/western counterparts would be. rather, the reason she's using debility over disability is because the category of disability isn't objective: it's informed by biopolitical forces such as the ones she listed. her meta-argument is that what we call "disability" can't be divorced from its settler colonial context, not because colonized peoples are immune to disabling violence, but because the category of disability (and health, and violence) is itself affected by settler colonialism.

in "right to maim," Puar is offering a major shift in the way we collectively discuss disability, because the category is not applied equally across sociopolitical, geographical context. it means Palestinians and others living under occupation are either left out entirely, or unsuccessfully co-opted into western-/colonizer-centric disability discourse that doesn't acknowledge the different conditions under which they live. ultimately, "right to maim" means to make that difference, and its implications, visible.

Let me know if this makes sense! it's wordy and tedious, but lots of academic texts are. i hope that breakdown helps you make some more sense of Puar's main argument/the architecture of the text, and maybe serves as a model for future engagement. :)

[11queensupreme11]

“Brother,” Poseidon turned to him, and gods—Hades couldn’t believe this—his eyes were still glittering. “I… must thank you.” “...Thank me?” He barely uttered out. He nodded. “Yes. When Percilla was born, I initially wanted nothing to do with her, but I knew I had no choice but to raise her. I fathered her heartlessly, but it was you who stuck around and made sure I cared for her well. You protected her from my rage and you taught me that I needed to act as a proper father for her and love her as my daughter. If it wasn’t for your insistence—as annoying as it was—I might not have given Percy a chance. I would not have realized how wonderful of a child she is, and how lucky I am that the bifrost has blessed me with her.” This was probably the most words he had ever heard his usually apathetic brother ever speak in one go and all Hades could feel was despair. Poseidon was in love for the first time ever and while Hades would’ve happily celebrated this never-before-seen occasion, he had to fall in love with Percy of all people—the very girl Hades wished to marry. And now he couldn’t.

*CLOWN MUSIC*

Sorry, I'm re-reading cause I miss a few (a lot) updates, and, when I read this…

Gold comedy, clown-to-clown conversation.

(I'm about to excuse my behavior, but I'm letting everything in one ask, so if it's dirty, well, I'm the kind of lector you were (hopefully) waiting and here we don't kink shame)

Anyway, cause I'm a basic bitch, I'm going to do my usual review, no new memories here.

Chapter 33

I'm going to say, that Percy being trained to accept Poseidon's love is hot from you, I can see her falling to control herself (that said, can we applaud her control? My girl, that man is GORGEOUS and he's almost in his knees (to lick) trying to convince you to ride that)

(uncontrolled laugh Poseidon's balls are a particularly pretty shadow of blue) (Please have mercy queen. To him or us, I'm not made for a slow burn, I like things fast, and I have 0 patience and less auto control)

(Do you think Annubis can smell Aphrodite is near cause she always smells like rough sex? almost like an orgy-) (That tongue tho, some of your ask are DIRTY queen)

“Talk!” She demanded. “I’m in love with you,” he slurred.

Is their equivalent to: "Come out!" "I'm gay"

Loki being into choking is so him, I love him, my favorite nasty boy, he's so desperate someone needs to give him the talk about self-control

(Percy anytime she meets a god: Damn, that is some abs. My girl, how would you deal with normal bodies after being exposed to them? One night sleeping in Poseidon's tits and I'd never be the same)

Me, looking as Loki protects Percy: ✨Progress✨

No matter if it went to the burning trash with Percy's cruel comment, it's a yandere history, I am always ready to see her building her misery (saying that, I love her and wish her happiness)

Hades being miserable is something I need to think about, why him being in love with Percy is worse in my mind? It almost felt like a lie when he protected her when she arrived ROR, worse than Poseidon was open about his intentions, and never faked his desires...

Love to see him destroying this almost peace, drama is the rule here, after all.

Chapter34

Beelzebub and Loki, fighting over Percy like dramatic teenagers:

Did you just make Hades kidnap Percy?

Why I'm surprised, is canon Hades' behavior.

(Poseidon, why the fuck didn't you put a GPS in her? She needs it)

QUEEN

QUEEN

THE FUCK?

THAT IS A CHAPTER

PLEASE SAVE HER

(Trio with Loki and Beelzebub? 🥹)

And you dare to be surprised about why I'm a full supporter of them.

They may not have morals, no mental stability, no auto control, toxic as Chernobyl, be the worse or the worse, have 0 consideration about Percy's desires, be the ones to most hurt her, manipulate her and everyone around them, and...

Anyway, you know what more are they?

Loyal motherfuckers (when Percy is pregnant lol)

No doubt, they would fight the gods and their ridiculous superpowers for her.

Love them, with this, they'd need to torture Percy to me into letting them go.

I have my pink heart-shaped glasses stuck to my face.

(I'm so afraid, please don't make me a clown here queen)

Chapter 35

If I die, Percy better grieve for me for the rest of her life! Loki thought as he was about to launch another attack, but then—

My boy, I would cry for you, I love you, and I don't care you lost her my baby, I'm your defender, your shield, your weapon against your haters, I have no shame, fight me in the mud-

Anyway, Percy should thank Annubis riding him, just saying

(I'm forcing the memory of human meat out of my brain. I'm a hannigram fan too)

Percy getting in her attic wife era, is so nice! Scape is part of the experience ❤️❤️❤️

(Knotting, belly bulge, heat, and omega/alpha dynamic? all of that for us? 🥹 finally someone who knows Annubi's real potential)

Imagine Annubis cutting his claws cause it hurts Percy and then after the sex Percy has enough bite marks to be mixed with a chewing toy.

No going to lie, Anubis is my kind of yandere favorite, the one that makes you feel safe until it hits you that he's dangerous. Bright smile and toxic thoughts ❤️

Chapter 36

Cú Chulainn? *looks at his photos* who´s that cutie and who dares to hide him from me?

Hades really looks at his siblings as kids and Poseidon is a baby throwing tantrums. Meanwhile, I consider that he's the worse, seeing how he stole Percy cause he was horny.

Who am I to judge?

On the other side, Anubis casually rizzing up Percy, showing how good a father he is, enjoying Hade's work to make her stay in hell and Loki's cape to hide her...

Know what? That'd work for me, give me some of that dream family life, I'd stay

Kebechet calling her mom: ❤️😘

Percy, that's a literal child, younger even than her clothes: This is okay, I guess? at least it's no incest for once

Chapter 37

Omg, I love Percy so much, she's so stupid.

What do you mean that you're staying with an (I hope) single father, his daughter, sleeping with them, using the clothes he gives you, the (no really) child calls you mom, the father picks you all the time, you're cooking for them and doing everything you see in family movies and you don't see anything wrong?

YOU'RE MAKING A BIRTHDAY CAKE PERCY, YOU'RE MOM

Her face flushed in embarrassment. “Can you please just…?” She motioned downwards.

He grinned in understanding. “Oh, right.”

He lowered himself down into a squat just so that she could be ‘taller’ than him 

One time, this guy did this for me... rizz me like no one else. I'd say this is the peak of romance, especially if you remember that he's very playful, so it's like having a golden retriever looking at you.

And his manipulation tactic is being cute! (no really but almost) so he's perfect for Percy, they can act cute together and annoy the rest together.

He's my favorite I think... I'm not sure, I am still a Poseidon's stan, and as I say, Loki and Belzeebub are my babies... but Annubis...

I just know the fall is going to go horrible for me, queen

Chapter 38

Anubis is worried cause his new wife is sick and he can't say anything ☹️☹️

“Come ooon, who’s a good boy?”

He perked up. “I am!”

That's a golden, no, wait.

This is your dangerous yandere? I just see a good boy 🙄🙄

She gave him a suggestive look.

A large smirk crawled over his face as he stepped closer to her, their bodies nearly touching. He reached down to grasp her hands. “We… can finally…”

“Decorate for her birthday party!” They cheered in unison.

...

Just fucking marry and leave alone. They're so cute, recording together and talking about colors. *Sniff* What else do you need? that's married couple behavior.

AND, technically, he isn't lying, he's very sincere about her papel in the family, she's just an idiot who can catch a sign even if it was given to her.

Yes, he doesn't talk about the other... but, you don't have to talk about your exes, that's no sin, your honor.

That's a good man Savannah. A GOOD MAN

AND YES, MAYBE, he was calling Percy his wife, but also, giving first love, giving I love her so much.

You know, he respects her like the others don't, and *cries* It's going to hurt me so much if you make him like the others.

I know that he probably killed the other, maybe ate them too, but like, did they Kebechet cry? cause then they deserve it.

Queen, I just love him, don't make him so bad... or do it but in a hot way at least.

(Would be so funny if he's married and she isn't, would hurt so much)

Queen, how can you divide this beautiful family? forget about sending her to her home, just drink Meng Mo's soup, and stay happy with them.

Amazing like always, queen, have a roller coaster of emotions, I'd do it again.

Imagine if Nico were there to witness everything, he'd be a good godfather to Kebechet, play with her, and teach her about his game.

What a good and wonderful family 🥹🥹🥹

omg hiiiiiiii

i love your chapter reviews lmao, this one especially made my day 😂😂😂😂😂

I ALSO LOVE HOW IMPATIENT YOU ARE FOR THE REAL SMUT LMAOOO I ALREADY WROTE THE FIRST FULL SMUT CHAPTER FOR ACT 2 AND I WILL NOT SAY WHO'S THE ONE SNATCHING PERCY'S VIRGINITY HEHEHEHE I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU GUESSING IN DESPAIR

"Omg, I love Percy so much, she's so stupid" she really is, she's not connecting ANY dots; anthonius is usually in charge of the brain cells and unfortunately the bifrost forgot to take her one last brain cell left before it yoinked her into the ror verse 💀💀 beelzebub occasionally lends her a brain cell or two but only if she's good 😔

AND YES ANUBIS IS A GOOD BOY, THE GOODEST BOY EVER 🥺🥺🥺🥺 yes he's a yandere and yes i'm gonna fuck him up, but he will STILL BE PERCY'S GOOD BOY NO MATTER WHAT 😤😤😤 and kebi will always be #1 daughter!!!! 😤😤😤😤😤

anuby is actually soooo wholesome if you enjoy the yandere aspects of it (so like.... 90% of the whole ship LMAO) they're just so sweet to each other. just one lil happy family; a 7'5" tall unhinged death god and his cute lil wife who doesn't know she's a wife and their lil snakey daughter 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[ysljoon]

Love Maze-Chapter 2

pairing: single dad!simon 'ghost' riley x live-in nanny!reader wc: 1.3k warnings: none for this chapter a/n: this chapter was a little slow BUT we made some progress eeee im so excited to go from here yall 🫣 MINORS DNI (have your age in your bio or you're getting blocked) <prev chpt. >next chpt.

You stare at your apartment triumphantly once you see everything packed away. You lugged your suitcase out the door and now you’re on your way back to the Riley household. You were curious about Ella’s father. He was a very hard man to read and didn’t seem like a man for much conversation. Hopefully, you could bring down the walls he’s set up and get closer to him because to live with someone who appears unapproachable seems awkward to say the least. Yes, you’re there for the child first and foremost, but it would be nice to get to know him outside of being your employer.

Also the mask? What is that about? That should’ve raised more red flags in your mind, but the opportunity seemed too great to be able to look over that. He seems to be hiding a lot, but maybe he just needs time to warm up.

You showed up at 8 a.m. on the dot and knocked on the door. You distracted yourself with the pleasant dewy weather of the morning while you waited for Simon to answer the door. The door swung open faster than you expected and you had to dodge it at the last second to avoid it hitting you square in the face. Simon gave you a gruff ‘good morning’ and moved out of the way to let you inside. He still had on the black surgical mask, but his attire was a jarring difference in comparison to the first encounter. He had on blue cargo pants with harnesses hugging his thighs and a zipped-up blue windbreaker. Ella was held against his hip with one hand and the other hand had a black vest in the other. You were well aware that he was military personnel, but you didn’t think you would be acquainted with that side of him so soon. 

You rolled your suitcase in behind you and awkwardly stood in his kitchen while waiting for him to give you further instructions. He placed Ella down in her bouncer and leaned against the counter across from you. His eyes looked bored when looking at you and there wasn’t really an emotion you could use to describe it, but it didn’t feel good to see the least. “I just fed Ella her morning bottle. The formula is in the cabinet over there.” He pointed above your head behind you. “And all bottles are in the dishwasher. Feed her about every 3 hours or whenever she’s feeling fussy.” 

He tilts his head to the side to indicate to follow him and you do. He takes you to her nursery and it is very bare bones of a nursery. It has all the essentials with a crib, a dresser equipped with a changing table and baby monitor on top, a black suede rocking chair, and a trash bin. “In the dresser is where all the diapers and wipes are stored. The top drawer has all of her binkies,” He crouches down to the lowest drawer. “Here’s an extra baby monitor. I already have one in my room so keep it on your bedside table.” You nodded, taking mental notes of all the information he was giving you. He wordlessly walks out of the room and takes you across the hall. “This is the spare room, make yourself at home. The closet should have enough space, but if you need more just let me know and the bathroom is attached.” You gave him a grateful smile. 

“Thank you so much for your hospitality, Simon.” He gave you only a grunt in acknowledgment of your words. “I’m heading to work now, since we’re in a lull right now I should be home around 6 pm. Text me if you need anything. If you don’t hear from me within the hour contact my captain. His name is John Price.” He handed you a small square of card stock with John’s name and number scribbled on it. You reached for your phone immediately out of your pocket to input the number. Simon gave you one last look over before heading out the door and you bid him one last farewell. You made your way to the living room and looked at Ella with a fond expression. “Well, Ella it’s just me and you now.”

The day moved along swiftly. It was easy to turn on your caregiver mode, but you did do some quick online shopping when Ella was having her afternoon nap as it came to your attention quite quickly that there was a scarcity of baby toys for her to play with. Ella was an easy baby though she was rarely very fussy and during diaper changes, you were able to keep her distracted enough to have her giggling. The sounds of her laughs had you wrapped around her finger. She was an adorable little girl. 

Once 4 pm rolled around you decided to scour Simon’s cupboards to see what you could cook for dinner when he comes home from work. His pantry was scarce and you made a mental note to visit the grocery store tomorrow. You were able to scrape together a garlic chicken pasta for dinner and once that was done you let it sit on the burner on a low heat to keep it warm as it was only a few minutes until Simon was home. You made your way back to Ella to scoop her out of her bouncer that you kept her in while you were cooking, bounced her on your hip and sang lullabies to her. Her wide little eyes stared at you and observing her face made you realize how her eyes were identical to Simon’s. You weren’t sure how the rest of her facial features compared to Simon’s as he kept it concealed. 

The door knob jiggled and the jangling of keys alerted both you and Ella to the arrival of Simon coming back home. Suddenly Ella started getting squirmy in your arms and wanted to be held by her dad. He quickly shuffled at the front door putting down his belongings and kicking off his boots. He made his way over to you and scooped Ella out of your arms and cradled her in his strong, muscular ones. “How was she today?” “She was great, barely fussy at all! Oh, I made dinner by the way so whenever you’re ready to eat I can dish it out for us.” Simon did smell the aroma of food in the air, but he thought you only cooked enough for yourself he didn’t expect you to cook for him. He also noted how you said us instead of just him. He wasn’t used to someone being this nice to him since he joined the 141 and the task force tried their best to welcome Simon. This was definitely something to get used to. 

“I’ll take a shower first and then we can eat. If you’re hungry now though you can eat without me. You waved him off and told him you’d be fine waiting for him. He doesn’t strike you as someone who has an extensive shower routine. You sat on the couch with Ella accompanying you by your feet just crawling around and found a cartoon for her to enjoy on the TV.

Simon came out of the bathroom in 10 minutes flat with his blonde hair damp and-oh. Simon was standing in front of you without the mask and wow. You couldn’t understand why he covered up his face. He is handsome, to say the least. You averted your gaze and cleared your throat making your way to the kitchen. You silently plated servings for the both of you and Simon silently was by your side getting the utensils. Dinner was uneventful as Simon didn’t have much to say and you could see it in his face that he was tired so you didn’t want to bother him too much. Simon said he’ll wash the dishes since you cooked and you nodded. He wished you a goodnight and you made your way into your room to get ready for bed. The first day of the job is done and you would think it went pretty successfully. You couldn’t help thinking about Simon’s face until your eyes became heavy with sleep. 

[lilytii]

My thoughts on Ascended vs. Non Ascended Astarion

HEAVY Spoiler Warnings ahead. If you've not completed the game, or if you do not want spoilers, do not read on!

Honestly, I was never planning on making a post like this, and generally I thought most people understood the differences between them. However, I’m seeing a bunch of people twist what both of these mean and are adamantly standing with these twisted meanings, which I feel does them both an injustice. This argument is addressing the romance with Astarion. If you’re just his ally/friend/colleague, most of this won’t matter much.

First and foremost, let me say this: If you like either of these endings, that’s great! I think they’re both tragic in their own right and indeed well written. I do not think anyone should be judged because of what they enjoy, from a fictitious game. I do not think that those who like Ascended need therapy, nor should they be shamed or judged in current relationships. I also do not believe that those who like non ascended route are weak hearted people who cannot handle a hot, evil romance. These are all personal preferences and you shouldn’t feel ashamed.

That being said, I think there are people who are misunderstanding, or refusing to accept what some of these endings mean for the character. I’m going to break things down, piece by piece and come to you with my conclusion. For this I’ll use a few different abbreviations to make things easier.

A.Astarion - Ascended Astarion

S.Astarion - Spawn Astarion

U/A- Unascended

Hopefully this will make things easier to understand and follow. Alright, let’s get into it, and apologies if this is long, this took me days to write and look over all the information I could culminate. I’ve seen many of the same points brought up over and over again, and some who argue various versions of the same argument. Instead of writing long winded responses to one response, I figure I’d write out all of my thoughts in one post and be done with it. There may be points that I miss, forget to address, and I apologize, there’s a lot of ground to cover.

First, let’s go over a few things about What we know about BG3 vampires, the Ascension ritual, and what all of this means.

I think it’s common that everyone knows BG3 is set in Faerun, which is a world setting for the game D&D. The game is running off 5E rules and guidelines, though there are many things that are changed to better suit a video game setting rather than table top. (i.e. short rests are instant, long rests are the only way time and events progress, etc.) That being said, 5e has a set of rules that exist more as guidelines. At the end of the day, everything is up to DM discretion. If the book says “ X works in X way” and the DM says “I don’t like that ruling, so I’m going to change it to work differently for my campaign,” that’s valid as long as everyone agrees and it remains consistent throughout.

That’s the beauty of this game, is everyone runs it a little differently, with their own set of understanding and rules. BG3 works the same, and as the player, you accept and acknowledge that and play to how it is. 

The Vampires seem to be mostly following the lore and rule sets, but there are a few differences here and there. Mostly, the moment you turn into a spawn/vampire, you’re inherently evil. That’s it, end of story, alignment changed. It doesn’t seem to be the case in BG3 though, as you can see some of those who were spawns and recently changed, don’t seem to be fully evil. Astarion tells us of his past and it seemed he wasn’t entirely subscribed to the sudden alignment change. (Not to say that he doesn’t have evil tendencies, he’s very morally gray.) Even Cazador and the notes you find, in his earliest moments as a spawn, seemed to hold an ounce of who he was before he became a full fledged vampire. It seems that from what we see, the corruption is a slow burn, but inevitable, and Vampire spawns seem to have their souls. How do we know they have souls?

Astarion says that he might as well sell ‘what’s left of his soul’ to a devil, than to let Cazador have him again. The Ascension doesn’t just sacrifice these 7000 bodies, they don’t seem to be just ‘animated dead’, oddly enough they have souls that when they’re sacrificed, those souls go to hell to the demon that made the pact. Mephistopheles.

Raphael tells us all about it, and states it’s a rather grim tale, even for his tastes. This ritual is so foul, so diabolical, it has never been performed. The right of profane Ascension .Astarion’s soul, would be sacrificed.  I Think, damning 7000 souls to hell in exchange for power, there’s no coming back from that. I mean, hell, Bhaal himself must be impressed, probably salivating at the amount of death and carnage in one go.

The Ascension gives Astarion a taste of power, he gets some boosts in combat, but the taint on him is already done. He was a pretty gray character before, now? Not so much. That ritual changes him deeply, and it is evident in how he presents himself and how he behaves. He is truly lost, and not a shadow of himself remains.

“He wants this, and he Approves when you let him ascend.”

Ah, Approval, the way to win the man’s heart! Yes, he approves in both scenarios, and he thanks you in both as well, however, context is Everything here.

Astarion, in that moment, is enticed by power and by the promise of safety. He acknowledges he was blinded by it, just as Cazador was. If you are romancing him, you must succeed a persuasion check that’s relatively low depending on your rating with him, and if he’s romanced.

A lot of people dismiss this and say the fact we have to talk him out of it, shows he did not want to stay a spawn and wanted to Ascend. He admits that he was blinded by his want in the moment. He may have wanted to ascend in that moment, because it promised him a life in which the world would bow to him. After all he’s been through, it’s not crazy to say that sure, he was blinded by the promise of now, not thinking of the consequences. How many times have you made an impulse decision because you wanted something now, because all you could see was the promise of a good time, without thinking of any repercussions? It’s human.

He goes on to say:

 “But you saw something else in me- Someone else I could be. Someone who could break the cycle of power and terror that started centuries ago. You saved me back there. I may not have appreciated it at the time, but I do now. Thank you.”

I want to point out his body language. When Astarion is being serious, when he’s lowering the walls and the barriers to who he is, his movements are small. He smiles, his eyes soften, and he makes eye contact. When he says “but I do now,” he nods, affirming that he truly understands and appreciates what you did, stopping him from ascending. And then he gives a humble bow of his head saying ‘Thank you’.

“But Astarion thanks you on both occasions for giving him everything.”

As it was stated above, context is key. Yes, When he is turning you into a vampire spawn, A. Astarion does say “You’ve given me everything I ever wanted. Thank you.” I can see the case people would make to say this is what he wanted, and so he is sincerely thankful that we gave it to him. In either case, he’s happy.

I can understand the logic, but allow me to put it into a different perspective, if I may.

A drug addict is going through withdrawl and you have the drug they want. They crave it, they’re only focused on that drug and need the high to get through another day. They don’t address their addiction, they just need to score, so plead for you to give it to them. You cave in, give them their drug and they take it. They tell you “Thank you, this is what I wanted.” Is it sincere? Sure, they are really thankful for it, but did you help them? Was this really what was good for them?

Instead, when they beg you for the drug, you tell them ‘No, this is not the life you would be proud of and I want you to be proud of yourself.” Instead, you take them to rehab, they get clean and stay sober. They’re on the path to turning their lives around and say “You know what, I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but, you helped me. You saved me from going down a horrible path. Thank you.”

That thanks, is also sincere, but the outcomes are vastly different.

A.Astarion thanks you for giving him what he wants. S.Astarion thanks you for giving him what he needs.

 Even in his graveyard scene, he says he’s not giving up, just “Reassessing what I want. What I really want.” And when you ask him later, at the graveyard what he wants, he says “you. I want you”  I emphasize ‘really’ here because he does. This is Astarion being honest and telling you what he really wants.

He does not NEED power over others, he does not NEED to ascend, he needs to believe in himself, to choose a life he can be proud of, to do what he wants without being a slave to all the power that stood before him. 

This is evident if you say “You saved yourself, I just gave you a push.” 

And he responds with:

 “You did more than that. You believed in me- believed I was enough just the way I am. When I look at my future, anything and everything feels possible now. And I get to share it with you, as a partner. An equal. You saved me from myself and let me walk a new path where I can be free. TRULY, HONESTLY, FREE. This is a gift, you know. Thank you. I won’t forget it.”

There’s so much that this speaks to, and it’s so self explanatory, but so many people overlook that to say:

“S.Astarion is weak and is still unable to walk in the sunlight. At least Ascending him he’s free.”

I’ll agree and say his ending with him running away from the sun is tragic and painful, but I think that was the point. It’s gut wrenching. The worst part is honestly, most of the companion dialogue who treat him like ‘Oh well, fuck him I guess.” That, I think we can all be on board saying he did not deserve that. Turning away from power, helping you save the world, and all the companions say is like “welp, it was nice knowing you.” That was dirty.

It feels like so many people think giving up one's soul to walk in the sun is the best decision ever and so worth it. The point of his story feels like “Power, but at what cost?” Sure, he can have all these added benefits, if he just gives away his soul, does the most horrific, dastardly thing possible, and completes the ritual. He no longer is himself, and becomes a slave to power. Power will always be something he chases, so that he will never be used again. You basically tell him he’s weak the way he is and to steal the power he is owed. 

Meanwhile in the U/A route, you tell him that he would not be proud of this life, that you want him to live a life he would be truly proud of. And he says “You’re right, I can be better than him.” But he is NOT above enjoying being the one to deal his death. We don’t even STOP him from Killing Cazador, we know he is owed that, he deserves that. 

S.Astarion says he is free to walk a new path, whatever that path is. In his graveyard scene, he says he’s been dead in the ground long enough, it’s time to start living again. S.Astarion’s story is about finding his autonomy, finding his inner strength, accepting himself and making a new path for himself. Whatever this world has to offer, he’s going to take it and have fun.

When you Ascend him, and tell him that you miss the man he was, he seems actually taken back and says:

 “What do you mean, I was pathetic back then, why would you say that?” 

He sounds hurt. He sounds like maybe the tiniest bit, he regrets losing that man, like he can’t understand why someone would love who he was before he ascended.

He hasn’t gotten the affirmation that he’s enough, in fact, he’s more affirmed that he was weak, pathetic, and that power is what will make him strong. He is perfect now because he’s powerful. That’s such a tragic way of looking at him. By choosing this, he doesn’t accept how strong and capable he is as a spawn, he doesn’t heal and regain control of his life, he’s seen as lesser, as someone who needs an outside power to be strong. Love, belief in himself, it wasn’t enough to save him.

“There is no Equality in S.Astarion xTav/Durge. You have the upper hand, he does not. You will die of old age, he will not. That’s not a good romance at all.”

This complaint is one I see a lot, a LOT on people’s videos, blogs, reddit, etc. Just because he is back to being a spawn and does not have insane vampiric powers gifted by an evil, hellish ritual, does not make you his superior. It’s the way you two treat each other, the way you two view each other, that is what makes you an equal. 

If you look at how A.Astarion talks to you, he talks down to you, looking down his nose, he believes you are beneath him. If he makes you a spawn, you are kept nicely under his thumb. 

If you keep him as a spawn, he does not look at you as if you are his ruler, his master, you are his equal, his lover, his companion. He doesn’t look down at you, but eye to eye. Just because one has different abilities and strength does not mean inequality. Just because one has a longer/shorter life span, does not mean inequality. Look at Shadowheart’s parents, one is an elf, the other, human. Does that negate their love because of their lifespan? Are they doomed and have a terrible love story?

I’m sorry, but this argument doesn’t hold water to me. 

A.Astarion fans love that they can choose to live with him in eternity, as his slave. So many people believe that is better than S. Astarion living his days freely with someone he loves, truly loves, as long as he can. I’ve seen people headcanon their Tav/Durge find a means to either cure Astarion of his Vampirism, or find ways to extend their lives. In one of my D&D games, we had collars that kept us from aging and dying prematurely. Granted, we had to agree to give up spell slots every year or so to a powerful mage so he can create magic items, but it pretty much allowed us to live forever. If Gale can ascend to godhood, I’m sure you can find a way to fix these small power issues.

“A.Astarion is the real Astarion, he goes back to his Act 1 self.”

I’ve seen this argument made to why people like A.Astarion, because they love the man he was in Act 1, and feels like this is who he is. There’s so many talking points here, so much to break down, and many arguments made to ‘affirm’ that this is the real Astarion, and this is where he is most himself. I’m going to break this down as best I can and do my best to be clear and easy to follow. There’s so much to go over and I don’t want to sound like I’m all over the place.

I gotta admit, I half agree with this. He does go back to his Act 1 self, but that's not the ‘true’ Astarion. Act 1. Astarion is the man who manipulated your feelings, who was playing an act. It isn’t until Act 2 that Astarion starts to come to terms with himself and becomes honest with you. Yes, he fell in love with you sometime between those moments, but after you ascend him, you can see that he goes back to those theatrics.  All of the progress he made, all of the growth he made, when he ascends, that’s it, it just hard stops and reverses back to the start. He regresses so hard that he loses himself and becomes a shadow of the man he was, an echo of that man who manipulated his way to get what he wants.

Astarion admits in several ways in different dialogue options that the Ascension would have changed him, it would have made him lose himself, it would have made him different.

Tav: “The ritual would have changed you, I’m glad you resisted it.

S. Astarion: So am I. Fun as all that power would have been…this feels more me.

Tav: “Do you regret turning down all that power?”

S.Astarion: “Perhaps. It would have been terrible fun. But then again, I could feel something slipping away. I came so close to losing myself-to losing everything I’d learned since meeting you.”

He speaks so much about his growth, about his development thus far and if he ascended, he’d lose it all. This speaks volumes to his character and to how he holds himself now. We see Astarion start to believe in himself, knowing his worth, and his U/A route shows that he’s starting to understand that he can do the right thing.

“Astarion says he’s not happy.”

S.Astarion “I am- well, not happy. But this feels right.”

(Graveyard scene,)

Tav: “regretting your choice?”

S.Astarion: “No, I made the right choice. Although I do regret the options I had.”

Tav: “You did the right thing, stopping the Black mass.”

S.Astarion: “I know, that doesn’t mean it stings any less”

 Tav: (when referring to never seeing the sun as the price of freedom) “Do you think you can live with that?”

S.Astarion: “I’ll have to, doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

All the arguments I’ve seen for those who prefer A.Astarion use this to say he’s not happy, that he admits that he would have had more fun if he had power, and that’s what he wanted. He’s lamenting his lack of power and the fact that he’ll belong to the shadows, for sure, but he knows and understands that the decision he made was for the best. This is honestly such a relatable, and real emotion and thought. How many times do we as flawed humans know that doing the right thing, whether it’s for our own benefit or someone else’s, isn’t always the ‘fun’ option. He’s been on a quest for power, saw an ideal in his head, and now understands that going that route wasn’t the best for him, no matter how much fun it might have been in theory.

Astarion knew he made the best choice for him, the best choice to regain control, to be himself, his true self. His options were ‘sell your soul, lose yourself to have power and walk in the sun,  or keep your soul, remain true to yourself and better your life, but be reserved to the life of a spawn, living in the shadows and with hunger.” There was no good options, but there was a good choice.�� 

I want you to think about who Astarion is, what he’s been telling us this whole time.In the love test, we can choose silly, fun answers to gain his approval and keep things lighthearted, but the real answers exist, and he doesn’t exactly enjoy them being shared.

Astarion is afraid of being someone’s slave, he’s afraid of being helpless and not being able to keep his freedom. This whole time, 200 years he’s been shown that there’s no heroes, gods do not care for anyone, and the strong are the only ones who survive in this world. He’s afraid, he’s terrified but puts on this air of assertion. He stands behind those who are stronger than him and rides their coat tails till he can snatch power for himself. He’s not above backstabbing and manipulation if it gets him what he wants.

Astarion plays with power, as long as it doesn’t threaten to change him. He’s fine with abusing the tadpoles powers, but the moment he realizes that greater power can be unlocked by becoming a half illithid, he wants nothing to do with it. You can peer into his mind and use his fear against him to force him to do this, but thats manipulative in it’s own right. You don’t respect him or his want at that point, all in the name and sake of power.

Astarion’s first line to us is his disgust at the thought of being turned into a mindflayer. He laughs bitterly and says “Of course it would turn me into a monster…what else did I expect?” Power is good if it offers safety and protection, but not at the risk of his own skin. This is said so much throughout and is emphasized by him saying, he knows finishing the right would have ruined him, who he was, and everything he’s learned up to this point.

However, if throughout this game, you show him that there’s strength in one’s self, that there’s power to be had deep within, he starts to understand that and starts to see that he can be the break in the chain. He can be the difference he needs, alongside you.

This power hungry Astarion is the result of 200 years of abuse and suffering. Astarion starts to understand that there’s consequences to one’s actions, he starts to take responsibility for those actions and understands the difference between running away from it, and meeting them head on.

I’d say that’s a strength in it’s own. He’s finding himself and tackling the hardest things in his life that he turned a blind eye to. A.Astarion does not get that. He doesn’t care about anyone, anything, consequences be damned.

“Tav gaslights Astarion to change himself. Tav ‘knows what’s better’ and choosing not to ascend him not only makes him weak, but shows you don’t think he’s strong enough.” Tav forces Astarion to change.

This is paraphrased from a comment from a prominent A.Astarion fan. The entire comment was such a hot take, that they said, and I quote: Cazador did not inspire him that sex is power. Cazador didn't need sex to control people, he had other power. 

I don’t know if they understand what Astartion was trying to say when he said that Cazador made Astarion use his body to lure things for him. That Cazador had full control over him and made him perform acts of sex against Astarion’s will, otherwise he’d get TORTURED. I could go ON about how disgusting the take is, but I won’t get into that. I’ll address their point and continue.

I believe I’m one of many who don’t like the option of “You don’t need to worry, I’ll protect you.” And Astarion’s own answer of “thanks, that’s sweet, but I don’t want to have to always rely on you.” (or something to that nature.) I refuse to choose it, I understand the sentiment, but that option didn’t feel good. 

Still, despite that line, Astarion doesn’t get the all power he wanted, but that doesn’t make him weak. Tav shows that Astarion is weak in the ways of inner strength, the strength to take off his chains and be himself! He has the strength to choose his own destiny and take it by the hands. So many people look at ‘physical’ strength and weigh that higher over inner strength. Astarion in game, is not a weak fighter. I can tell you, rogues are fucking CRAZY strong! In many of my battles, he’d be the last one standing and has to sometimes be the one to save others. 

Believing that there’s more to Astarion than power, revenge, and sex is NOT gaslighting him at all! Gaslighting someone is forcing another to believe that they’re wrong, despite the fact that they aren’t. It’s projecting onto them your wants and making them feel terrible for not seeing things your way.  

You can gaslight Astarion, want to know how? By forcing him to have sex with you despite him saying it’s uncomfortable for him. By saying “You should enjoy it, and enjoy it with me.” And do you know what happens when you choose that? He ends things, and stands up for himself!

We aren’t manipulating him, changing him, forcing him to be someone he isn’t. He admits to it many times over after  that we believed in him, we saved him and pulled him away from a path that would ruin him. To say that’s changing him, to say it’s gaslighting is absolutely bonkers! In fact, telling him to ascend is affirming that power is better than anything, even if it costs your soul. I don’t know why people refuse to believe that S.Astarion IS the REAL Astarion. And while he isn’t all powerful, he’s fully free to live his life the way he wants to, and intends on it.

“A.Astarion still loves us. Sure it’s not the ‘kind’ love you get with S.Astarion, but it is love and he does care for us. It’s perfect for an evil route”

This is the most common argument for what I’ve seen people saying they like A.Astarion. It’s a different kind of romance, a different kind of love that still has caring, but it isn’t ‘nice’. There’s so many different takes on this that usually accumulate to “He does care, he does love us! It’s a crazy toxic love, but it is still love.”

I get it, I totally understand why so many people are drawn to A.Astarion. The sex scene is spicy, he calls you pet names, and says “You’re mine” and things like “I’ll protect you” “Lovers forever”. At it’s core, it sounds like a crazy, possessive romance perfect for an evil Tav/Durge, especially a Bahhl accepting Durge. I can see the appeal, and really, for an evil character, ruling the world with the lord of vampires sounds amazing! Hell, even for a morally ambiguous or amoral character, this would be fun!

I know there are people who appreciate it for what it is, people who understand that they are A.Astarion’s favorite thing, they are his obedient pet who does his will. Some in their Durge games understand they are using each other, and it’s not a romantic relationship, but that of an evil companionship. “We are awful for each other and do awful things for each other!”

That being said, many people seem to be under the impression that A.Astarion truly cares about you, that he loves you.

“It’s a possessive love, but even then, that’s just a form of love.”

Look, I’ll be honest and be the first to say that a person, especially a hot vampire who calls me “MINE” with such virility, would instantly make me weak in the knees. I love me a strong lover who is a bit selfish in wanting me, there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel coveted like that? (Ok, I know there are people out there who aren’t cool with that, I’m just saying for those of us who are thirsty! lol)

Still, I can’t say that this context is of that capacity. You’re his object, his favorite and obedient spawn, slave. He pretties it up and calls you consort, which makes you think some form of equal footing, that of a spouse. (Understandably, not all marriages have spouses who view their spouse as an ‘equal’. This is very much like that.) If you’re his spawn, you are surely his slave.

“He calls us Pet, my treasure, consort, lover. He stands up for us against Araj, he does indeed care for us.”

Pet names are cute, and he has used ‘pet’ for us before he ascended. The way he says “Yes my treasure?” Is very baby sweet talk, he even does the elaborate swinging of his shoulders. I don’t think Astarion’s descent to madness is immediate. I think there are still parts of him that is haunted by his trauma, but instead of being able to deal with it, he does the same things he’s always done. He disassociates, he falls back to bad patterns. 

When meeting Araj again, both S. Astarion and A. Astarion have similar dialogues between each other, but also, there are some interesting differences as well. A. Astarion makes a note of ‘Who belongs to who this time’ referring back when she thought Astarion was your subordinate, your ‘obstinate charge’ and you could stick up for him and say he is his own person. Now, he means to correct that and explain that you belong to him, not in a romantic way, but in the way that you are under his charge, you are his spawn/slave.

I get that in that conversation he says “And don’t worry, if anything happens, I’ll protect you.” Can be sweet, if you look at that completely out of context, hell I’d think it’s sweet too. He does say this in a bit of a condescending way though. It’s not the “I love you and I’ll protect you,” it’s the “This is my thing, and I’ll protect it from getting being damaged.” The care that A. Astarion has for you isn’t one of honest love, it isn’t born of concern.

You can see that because S. Astarion has a dialogue that says “Say no, the only thing she is offering is pain, and…I don’t want to see you hurt.” 

Astarion isn’t someone who knows how to express his true feelings, he’s expressed his inability to know how to truly be with someone, but he’s opening up. At this point, this is beyond his graveyard scene, so you’re seeing a man who is awkward when expressing his true feelings. Again, his body language says so much here. He gives a sigh right before saying he doesn’t want to see you hurt, he shies away from you just slightly and his expression grows softer. He’s being vulnerable and sincere, he truly does not want to see you hurt. Not because you’re an item of his that he doesn’t want damaged, but because he truly doesn’t want his lover to be hurt, that would pain him. There’s a lot of dialogue that’s similar for both, so, there’s not much to differentiate between them at that time.

Astarion’s trauma is still trauma, in both iterations. His understanding of consent seems to resonate with both versions at this point. So many people are taking that ‘consent’ is him caring. Just because he understands consent, and still asks you, that doesn’t quite mean a level of caring. Yes you can choose to be his spawn, or not. If you break up with him not as a spawn, he insults you and lets you be. Choose to be his spawn, and there is no getting out of it, you have no consent anymore. You’re his slave. Yes, he calls you his ‘consort’ because he wanted to dress up the word “spawn”. A slave is still a slave, no matter what other pretty title you want to give it. You have consent up until he turns you, then that’s out the window, you can’t leave ever. Hell, he even has a line that says “I should have turned you into a spawn, just to prove that I could.” Yeah, let that sink in.

“A.Astarion says ‘I love you, I’d never hurt you.’ He tells us he loves us on multiple occasions. Once more, he’s got a beating heart now, so he is fully capable of love.”

 =/

A beating heart, a living organ =/= love. I mean, if you break up with him he says “You brought my dead heart back to life, it will keep beating” That is metaphorical, it didn’t mean that he will be brought back to life. So no, having a living, beating heart does not make him more capable of love. He felt real love as a spawn, he sincerely fell for you.

Let’s also talk about Astarion saying “I love you.” He does say it at both routes, but the way he says it, and again, body language says it all.

I’ve seen this video going around about how he says he loves Tav/Durge, and how people claim this is love, that this is proof he cares. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Bov4CwHLukc

Let’s talk about these, shall we?

First of all, notice how Astarion is acting here. This is back to theatrics, the wide arm movements, the flowery words and the poetic gestures. Does this look familiar? Ah yes, this looks very similar to when he used all his ‘favorite lines’ at us. Even when he says “I love you” it feels so practiced, so forced. He even looks down at you afterwards. But people are so convinced that this is romantic love. They are convinced he means this.

I am reminded back to that, force Astarion to sleep with you scene. You tell him “You seemed like you enjoyed it,” and he says he knows that song and dance better than anyone, it was an act. This? This is an act as well. But S.Astarion? Go look at the graveyard scene, go watch how he tells you he loves you.

He looks you directly in the eyes, taking your hand in his, and he’s smiling. That’s no forced smile, when does he ever smile that genuine and at peace? He looks down in thought for a moment and returns to your eyes and says “he loves ‘this’, and he wants it all, with you.” Look at those two “I love yous” side to side and tell me which one really, truly looks sincere. Which looks real.

In act 2, he says that he manipulated you into an alliance, so you’d never hurt him. He used sex to get you to love him so you won’t turn on him, but says you deserve something real, that he wants to be real with you. In his graveyard scene, he’s ready to be fully real with you. And if you do have sex with him, the dev. Notes says “Had_sex_as_equals. You are his equal, and he is yours. Whatever your powers and abilities are doesn’t matter, it’s how you treat each other, as equals.

Astarion’s first line in the video says he was offering you power, offer you to live as his spawn so he can own you, what’s that, if not love? Then says, if that’s not an offer, if you want more, perhaps this isn’t for you.

I’ve seen so many people say “A.Astarion is not for the weak hearted, his kind of love is intense, possessive and hot, not for those goody goodies! He says it himself.”

Nah, he’s telling you that love is a transaction. You gave me power, I’ll give you a bit of it. You become my spawn that will be obedient to me, who will bow to my every whim, and I’ll offer you protection. There, love. This is a man who used his body, who used everything as a transaction. If you get high approval before the party and allowed him to bite you, he offers you sex as thanks. It’s a transaction. 

A.Astarion says “I did try with you, you know. In the only way I know how.” By using a transaction of offering you life of being a spawn. 

And of course, how can we forget the famous line. “Of course I know about *love* (said with absolute disgust by the way) I know how to use it, manipulate it, and I can’t help playing the hand I know. I would have used your love, abused your trust until you were nothing.”

Every argument here says “You hurt his pride, he’s angry! He doesn’t mean that. He was upset and said a lie.” And I can say, ok, I hear you. There’s been times when people break up and say really hurtful things because they were hurt. Things they may not even mean. I’d be fully inclined to believe that if… well, if that were true. Instead, I fully, TRULY believe Astarion is being sincere with us here. I think he knows that we were smart enough to see through his BS, to see that in this state, he’s gone.

They also cut out parts where Astarion says “Oh that was completely different, I’d never hurt you, I love you.” Right after, in the same breath, he says “That’s what you’ve been waiting to hear, isn’t it?”  Like, this man is telling you what you want to hear, it’s not the truth, it’s all a lie. He’s telling you to your face “I’m telling you what you want to hear.”

 He doesn’t know what real love is, he is incapable of love, to him it’s just a game. You can tell this by the insight check you do before he turns you.

“The insight check really means that he doesn’t think highly of himself, that he values Tav/Durge’s opinion and thinks he’s not good enough to be with”

I can understand how this could be one interpretation, and I’d agree with you if this was Act 2. Astarion. I’d fully believe that’s how he thinks a continued romance would be with him, but that’s not what’s going on here.

A.Astarion thinks he’s all powerful and amazing. He’s not the weak man he was back then, he’s better. Knowing you want to be a slave to him, you’re degrading yourself to becoming his slave, his spawn, but…maybe you’re into that. Maybe you want to be his slave, to worship him and be manipulated. Hell, you’ve gone this far for him, he doesn’t seem to have to beg you, you’re willing to do what he wants.

That’s the implication here. Not that he’s not good enough for you, but that you no longer care about yourself, that you want to be stepped on by him. 

A lot of people understand this concept as “Yeah, I made him worse, and I’m willing to throw everything in the trash to be with him! He can pull me by my leash and I will follow!” And then others misunderstand it to mean “Awww my poor boy thinks he’s not good enough for us and thinks we’re degrading ourselves to be his lover.” It’s definitely the former, not the later.

But this is a Sub/Dom relationship!

At the very base core of what that is, he is dominant over you, and you are serving him. To call this a sub/dom relationship is such a disservice to those real relationships out there that exist though!

I know someone close to me, who has been in a sub/dom relationship for 10+ years. She wears a collar with her partner’s name on it and he calls her pet names. This is something they do in their private time, and after all of it, there’s so much after care and tenderness involved to remind them both that they are partners who are equal. They are in a safe place, they have real, romantic love and understand if at any time there’s something they aren’t comfortable with, they can speak up.

A.Astarion just owns you. He doesn’t care, you are his property and that’s that. That’s like calling Cazador Astarion’s lover! The man favored Astarion, and when he disobeyed, he punished him. Granted, I’ll say that Astarion and his spawn’s relationship isn’t violent yet, but I don’t think it wouldn’t get to that point. He says he doesn’t have to, you’ll be wonderfully obedient.

…but what if you aren’t? Do you really think he’ll stand there and listen? If you push back, do you think he will understand? If you speak up and speak your mind, will he just lovingly accept your words? I’m afraid not. To those who think they can ‘change’ him or ‘keep him in line’, the time for that has passed and he’s not going back. I’m sorry.

The writer who spoke up is wrong about A.Astarion and is just one writer, not even the MAIN one! Take their words with a grain of salt.

The amount of people taking the salt out of what the writer said is crazy! I saw the reddit post and people were losing their minds, saying that this writer should have never said anything, that they stole the joy out of their A. Astarion romance, and that all is doomed!

Let me just say this. The writer, other people, no one can take your agency of enjoying a game. Take it for what it is, enjoy it. If you don’t agree, that’s fine, but it does not make the writer wrong. 

The writer is one of many who worked and wrote for Astarion. Just as what happens with every character, what happens with comics, movies, games, etc. You have teams who all work on one part to make it a cohesive whole. Animators have writers, directors, lineart work, flat colors, shaders, sketchers, background artists, all of these different people work on different parts of the same product and at the end, you have a whole piece. They all have to be in sync with each other and understand the source material to make it all work here.

The writer who spoke out may have been one of many, but that does not mean their words were invalid. In fact, after taking their words into consideration and looking back at how the sex scene for A.Astarion and S.Astartion play out, I honestly sat back and thought “...wow, I actually completely understand what you mean!”

First of all, they call it a bad ending. That speaks enough to what has been said and stated over and over again. Astarion does not progress, he does not heal, he gives up his soul for power, losing himself, and becomes a slave to it. Secondly, they said that you failed to see him as anything more than a kink, and reduce your relationship to that. That explains his actions, the way he is back to manipulating you with pretty words of adoration. And so many people are literally falling for it all over again.

In the scene he makes you a spawn, it’s overly provocative (I’ll admit, it’s fucking hot! I mean, from an objective view at least. Knowing what I know, it’s sad, but taking out context and what I know, it’s a very sexy scene) it’s meant to be. This is what you wanted, this is what you think of him. The camera mod that allows you to see different angles is a GODSEND here! You can look into his eyes and they are devoid of life, of feeling. He’s going through the motions, but he’s not even there. He’s not looking at you, he’s looking away, his body is performing, and Tav/Durge is just moaning and enjoying themselves. You wanted this, you got it, and in the end, he delivers.

Vs. the graveyard. It’s so much more chaste since you have clothes on. He’s not biting you, but this is his most honest form. It’s pure love, this isn’t lust, this isn’t him ‘fucking’ you, but being one with you. He’s reclaiming what sex means to him. It’s not a means to an end, it’s not an exchange, it’s not forced, he wants to give you a night of passion because he loves you. This is him connecting sex to love, and not as an act of manipulation.

Again, the camera mod is everything!! He looks into your eyes, his features are genuine. He cups the side of your cheek and kisses you. Then, he pushes you down, and climbs over you, looking into your eyes before sinking into the kiss in a much deeper, passionate way. 

I admit, I’m a degenerate. I can accept that Astarion is hot! I thought his turning scene was erotic, steamy, and I just couldn’t stop watching it. But knowing what I know, I can understand how, if what you’re looking for is real love, a real romantic relationship, that’s not the way to go. I think the camera angles of his graveyard scene show so much more to how passionate and hot that kiss is! Once I understood that this was Astarion, truly himself, taking back sex for himself and pushing Tav/Durge down in that swoop of a kiss, I completely did a 180 and preferred that! 

That kiss is HOT! And it means so much more, which makes it all the more intense. This is Astarion, throwing down his walls, opening up to us, body, soul and heart. And seeing as the dev notes says they had sex, it leaves it to your imagination how that went down, but I am one to believe, it was incredible, earth shatteringly so.

Final thoughts

If you made it this far, Oh my GOD I’m so sorry! Honestly, I appreciate it and thank you all for the time and patience to read my ramblings. I’ve just been sitting here replying to so many others and said “Fuck it, I’ll make a post about my feelings.”

There’s so much I haven’t touched on, so many points that can still be made, and I’m sure I missed over some other parts. Because I’m a maladaptive daydreamer, these thoughts literally assaulted me every chance they got! I couldn’t cook, clean, or even shower without another full stream of ideas that invaded my brain. I had to stop now because I’ve been working on this for 4 days and if I kept going, this would be 30+ pages long and NO ONE wants that.

That being said, look, if you like Ascended, go for it! If you want your character to be degraded and live in that fantasy, that’s ok and you shouldn’t be shamed for it. You shouldn’t be bullied by anyone to think you’re real life relationships are awful, or that you need therapy. Please, have fun and remember to take some time away from it all every now and then.

If you like Spawn, that’s great too! You shouldn’t be made to feel like you’re weak, or you only think Astarion is some good boy. You shouldn’t be told that you’re gaslighting, or anything else that I’ve seen out there.

At the end of the day, these are games, escapism from reality. I encourage you all to write, or maybe play the character in a game, or do what you want to do as long as it brings joy to you.

The point of this post is not to shame anyone or to cause drama. The point of this was to show that the writers did an AMAZING job illustrating these character’s stories. They showed us how gray and lifelike they were, they made their flaws something relatable, but also showed us that there’s always two very different ways things can go.

I wanted to highlight the differences in Astarion’s endings.  In his Ascended ending, he loses himself for the price of power. He fails to see that there’s more to himself than what power can give him. He fails to heal from his trauma, and instead, masks it behind power and control. He continues the cycle of abuse and becomes an entirely new monster. He fails to experience a true, romantic love that he never had and instead returns to using ‘love’ as a form of manipulation. He is deluding himself into what he thinks is happiness, and one day, will have nothing left inside of him. It’s so tragic and yet painfully, beautifully written.

In his spawn ending, he gets healing, he gets to choose his own way through life and live it being free. I wanted to show that while power was enticing, he learns that he’s enough the way he is, even if he won’t have the power of profane ascension (no matter how much terrible fun it would have been). And hey, if you want to play him in a solo campaign (that’s what I’m doing) and find ways for him to gain power without losing who he is, I’m sure that would be awesome! To see Astarion grow, and continue to take responsibility, to see him take back his sexuality, his honor, his autonomy is beautiful, even if it means he had to let go of the thing he thought he wanted, to take hold of the thing he truly wants.

[trillscienceofficer]

from Cinefantastique Vol 30 #9-10, November 1998

ROXANN DAWSON: The actress who plays fiery Klingon half-breed engineer Torres on coping with the mommy track.

By Anna L. Kaplan

The fiery B’Elanna Torres, played by Roxann Dawson, found herself in a serious, adult relationship with Tom Paris (Robert Duncan McNeill) during VOYAGER'S fourth season. Their earlier friendship was heading in this direction during the third season, but finally blossomed into something else this year. As an additional challenge for the actress, Dawson had to play increasingly steamy scenes with McNeill while going through her first pregnancy. The writers opted to hide the pregnancy, with the exception of a special two part episode called “The Killing Game.” For the most part, Dawson found herself under a newly invented engineering smock, or behind a console, or shot in closeup. “Mostly I get knocked out in the first 10 minutes of the episode, and recover somewhere near the ending after all the action sequences have been shot,” she said. “That’s how we’re working around it.”

Dawson spoke about these challenges in November of 1997, having finished more than half of the season, and not knowing what would happen later. She was seven months pregnant at the time. She said, ‘I'm feeling great. I’ve had a good pregnancy so far. It’s only recently that I’ve been slowed down a bit.” She added some wishful thinking, saying, “If I’m late, which I probably will be, it will almost coincide with our hiatus, which is just a grand coincidence, and that would be great. Hopefully, they could at least get my presence in the last few episodes, if only just a little bit. So if everything goes well I won’t miss any episodes.”

Dawson enthused, “I love the scripts they’ve been coming up with. I love our new cast addition. I think it’s adding a little spice to all of the characters as we deal with Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan). I’m just really impressed with the scripts. I think that they've been very strong this year and I like what they’re doing with my character.”

The episode “Day of Honor” brought Paris and B’Elanna together, while they were waiting to die, floating in space. It proved a difficult show to do. For one thing, the actors were shot against bluescrcen, visual effects to be added later. “I liked it a lot,” said Dawson. “It was all special effects. We also had to go in later on and loop every single line of that. Plus they needed to edit quite a bit because of the budget. It’s very expensive to do so many scenes in front of a bluescreen. I felt that it lost some of its bite because of these things. It’s tough enough doing emotionally revealing scenes, but to have the elements so working against you, I definitely felt that it was flawed.”

She continued, “There was more dialogue (originally). When I went in to loop it I had to rethink the way I was going to say things. Having to make those adjustments in post are never desirable, because they can never match what you may have done in actual production. They’re compromises that have to be made, especially when you’re working in a sci-fi series, but you hate it to have to happen on intimate moments. Perhaps for people who didn’t know what was missing, it wasn’t a big deal. But I sense it, and I know where I felt the beats should have been. I wasn’t completely satisfied with ‘Day of Honor.’”

In “Scientific Method” the romance progressed, but while the crew was under the control of alien experimenters. Tom and B’Elanna became passionate at some inappropriate times, leading to at least a little speculation about who was really in control. Noted Dawson, “When we were about to shoot it, I told Robbie that I felt that what we were doing was the real Tom and B'Elanna, but it’s sort of like after you've had a couple of drinks at a bar. The aliens supplied the liquor, and so it made [us] a little bit less sophisticated than we should have been. Basically everything was very real. We were just alien-tipsy, I guess. We talked a long time when we got those scenes, wondering, now is this really what we would do? Would we really risk this sort of thing when we have our own cabins? I thought, maybe if you had just a little bit of this alien liquor, that it would make you take that step you just normally wouldn’t. That probably fueled the fire, but the fire was definitely there.”

Some of the scenes advancing the Paris/Torres relationship were added on. "We’re all confused right now," said Dawson. “For example, we’re shooting additional scenes and reshoots for four episodes, so it’s hard to keep track of what’s going into which episode when they add these extra scenes. We’ve been coming up short on a lot of scripts recently, and I don’t know why. It’s causing us to have to take a day and actually add more material to a lot of the shows.

“What I have been missing in their relationship is what really makes them tick as people together. We’ve seen the passion, and we’ve had some superficial discussions, and we understand the attraction. I haven’t seen a lot of the real close friendship. Maybe in the first season in the episode ‘Faces’ where there was some discussion of our past and our parents. We just shot a really nice scene where you just see these two friends dealing with some very difficult situations. I love that they’re starting to explore that now in the writing.”

“Random Thoughts” focused on a telepathic society where violent thoughts are considered crimes. Torres is convicted of violent thought and sentenced to have her memory engrams purged. “One of the things I love about B’Elanna is that she is flawed,” said Dawson. “She’s got this temper. As much as she has become a better person since the beginning of the series, she still screws up, not that this is a complete screw up. It's very human to think negative things, but she definitely goes overboard in her images. It’s interesting, this whole discussion of thought police and what we are allowed to think and not think, and the kind of trouble that you could get in. It’s actually kind of contemporary.”

What exactly does B'Elanna think about to get into trouble? Dawson recalled, “It’s actually pretty minor. It’s innocuous. It’s somebody bumping into me at a market place, but because I have a temper my first instinct is to lash out until I realize that’s an irrational thought. But the thought is out there already. Because these people are very sensitive to these thoughts, that becomes a crime. It’s very tricky. I think it brings up a lot of interesting issues.”

Like many of the actors, Dawson believes that VOYAGER has often resolved conflict too quickly. She was happy to bring something back of the Maquis, when Chakotay (Robert Beltran) gets a message from the Alpha Quadrant in “Hunters.” Noted Dawson, “There was a really interesting scene with Robert Beltran when he reveals information to me about the Maquis. I have to spend the rest of the show trying to deal with this information. I love that they’re bringing that up again. It’s one of the things that I feel was dropped too early. I would love them to deal with it some more. There is some encrypted Starfieet message that still hasn't been decoded by the end of the episode. I would love it if they made a choice that Starfieet comes down hard in saying that, ‘Maybe all the Maquis should be thrown in the brig until we can get you home.’ I think it would be interesting to see how Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) deals with that, and what kind of upset it might cause among the crew. It’s an opportunity I'd hate for them to miss.”

In fact, the message was decoded with some complications in the season’s last show. “Hope and Fear.” Beltran wished the writers had used Dawson's idea, saying “That would have been very interesting, but it doesn’t say that.” Starfleet tells them they cannot help the Voyager.

On the show’s lack of conflict, Dawson noted, “I think they wanted us all to get along pretty quickly. I think the great thing about this year is that some of the friction is coming back. I think that we need that. I think that that’s perfectly human, it’s right, and it's dramatic, and it makes the show much more interesting. It’s so much more interesting for us to fight, and to figure out how to get along, rather than just getting along.”

Dawson talked about her work, saying, “I know that they’re really starting to phase me down quite a bit. I’m spending a lot more time in sickbay. We’re in a series of episodes where we’re dealing with an alien race that is in a five-episode arc. They are called ‘Hunters’ in that they like to go after their prey and torture them to death. This is what their entire existence is about.”

Dawson got into more of the action during both parts of “The Killing Game” in which the hunting Hirogen used the holodecks on Voyager to experience World War II. Dawson plays Bridgette, a member of the French resistance who has gotten pregnant by one of the Nazis and uses that to her advantage. “We’re being experimented on,” she said. “They get some information from our data banks, and decide to try to create a war among us by re-creating World War II. They allow me to be pregnant in that episode, which is a lot of fun, not to have to cover it up.”

Dawson commented on the current TREK women, saying with a laugh, “I think that we’ve changed a lot, and I think it’s terrific. I think we've done it in a really special way. I think that these characters that we have are very unique. If you go from Dax (Terry Farrell) to Kira (Nana Visitor) to B'Elanna to Kate's character, to Jeri’s character, I think that they haven’t just done this stereotypical woman-with-balls kind of thing. They’ve really made them individuals, and also still women, which is great. I think that it’s showing a certain amount of maturity on the part of the writers and the audience in terms of accepting us.”

In addition to acting, Dawson also writes, and at the time of this interview she was anxiously awaiting the publication of her first novel. She explained, “I’m working on a trilogy of sci-fi novels that Simon and Schuster commissioned me to do with another writer. We’ve completed the first book. We are waiting for its release. We're done with it. I’m very proud of it. And we've outlined the second book. The trilogy is 'The Tenebrea Trilogy’ and the first book is ‘Entering Tenebrea.’”

She continued, “I wrote a play which was produced at the University of Minnesota, and also workshopped at Circle Repertory. It was my first full-length play. I’ve had a couple of one acts produced as well. But I’ve never written in novel form, so this was really great. The writer that I’m working with, Daniel Graham, is wonderful. He’s got a scientific mind and knowledge. We work very well together. We sort of balance each other out. We completed [the book] probably five months ago, and it’s literally been sitting here waiting for them to bring it out. We’re just waiting for it to go.”

Dawson was also awaiting the arrival of her daughter. Emma Rose Dawson was born early, instead of late, on January 16, 1998, just after Dawson shot “Vis A Vis” and one scene of “The Omega Directive.” She missed only a few episodes, but returned well in time for the finale, as she had hoped. □

[minmin-vs-physics]

[15/7/24] My friend calls my workplace “theory jail.” And honestly he’s not wrong, I’ve been trapped in the same problem for two weeks now. It’s all very silly, so thank goodness it’s fun! I did make some progress with it (the things that are supposed to be zero are now zero, but the nonzero things are wrong) Oh well, back to the boulder tomorrow. Hopefully my advisor doesn’t think I’m too slow!

[palms-upturned]

PSA

Hello friends, I’m sorry for being mostly offline for a little while, I’ve been struggling a bit. Please rest assured that I’m going to try to get everything running again ASAP, but here’s a short version of what’s going on.

At the moment, I’m unemployed due to my disability and trying to get a lot of things sorted out in the bursts of time when I feel well enough. I am fairly certain that my pain and fatigue is being caused by sciatic endometriosis that was made worse by a covid infection, but it’s going to take me a while to get diagnosed and (hopefully) treated. In the meantime, my pain flareups are unfortunately getting worse and more frequent. What this means is that unfortunately I have stretches of time where I have a hard time talking to people or even thinking straight. Some of the medicines I take for my pain also make me drowsy which makes things even harder on top of it all.

I’m going to continue promoting fundraisers, but I feel very bad that these periods of time are becoming longer and more frequent because every day of fundraising is critically important. So what I’d like to ask is whether any of my friends/mutuals here would be interested in helping me run @vetted-gaza-funds so that even when I’m not well, at least that blog can stay up to date. There are currently over 100 fundraisers posted there, and as more get added, the more time it takes me to update the master list, update urls for users who were forced to remake their blogs, and work through the inbox for new campaigns. Trying to push through on days when I don’t feel well has already resulted in some really stupid mistakes like accidentally deleting the original master list post, and I really don’t want to do something like that again.

One friend of mine has already volunteered to help, which I’m very thankful for, but if I could find maybe five more people, then that would mean one mod for every day of the week, which would hopefully mean that it wouldn’t be too large a commitment for anyone. The more the merrier, basically.

So to break things down, here’s what I would be doing:

Creating a discord server for the blog mods

Looking through the inbox each day for new campaigns to add

Cross referencing those campaigns on master lists/spreadsheets to see which ones are already verified and can be shared

Adding the campaign links, usernames, and other relevant information to a cryptpad document for people to plug into a post/add to the master list

Here’s what I would need help doing:

Making the actual posts on the blog (there is a template in the drafts that I use to make them)

Updating the fund amounts/progress in the master list, ideally every day

If comfortable, briefly answering direct messages to let people know when their campaigns have been added to the blog

Also, so far the blog has just been full of fundraisers for people who have contacted me directly, but if anyone helping with the blog has verified fundraisers that they themselves would like to add, of course that would be great as well!

If you’re interested in helping me out, please dm me or reply to this post! (I’d prefer not to talk via asks because when I answer asks privately I don’t have any record of our conversation and I can be forgetful 😅)

Thank you all 🙏 today I’m unfortunately still not feeling well so I may be slow to respond but I will try to answer messages and get everything set up asap!

[loosesodamarble]

Hii Soda, Here I'm sending my best wishes for your well-being 🩷🩷 I might made some mistakes in my text, I hope that you don't mind them. I'm not a native speaker.

I wanted to make a one-shot request for Nacht Faust where the reader (who is also a Black Bull) despises his all-knowing personality, and how he scorns at the members. And she always talks back at him about his remarks about the members. But things escalate, I don't know how I didn't think this far 😭 I'd love to know what you can come up with this, I just want to read some fluff and see him happy 🥹🩷✨️

Hello there Anon~! First off, thank you for the well wishes, I do kinda need them at this moment. And don't worry about writing in your second language. I make tons of mistakes still land English is my first language. 😅

This oneshot turned into something a little on the long side. I couldn't think of how to make a romance between a critical reader and Nacht work without it feeling weird so I did something longer to show how the two grow closer (not quite a slow burn but the fluff isn't immediate either). It's part of why it took a bit to finish your request. It's probably not exactly what you were picturing but hopefully you still like it.

Summary: The progression of your relationship with Nacht is gradual and not very standard. But it still brings you two ever so close together. Genre: romance Word count: ~1800 A/N: This is a female reader, though female pronouns only come up, like, twice.

..........

“Tch, what a mess…” Nacht groaned after he walked into the base.

The scene he came across was the common area having turned into a war zone. It was a mess of broken furniture and spells being thrown across the room. The usual suspects of Magna, Luck, and Gauche were at play along with Vanessa, Zora, and Noelle. It appeared that there had been an especially nasty disagreement.

“These people really are no better, even after becoming the kingdom’s second ranked squad.”

“Quit giving commentary like anyone here cares about your opinion, vice bastard.”

Nacht turned his head in the direction of the voice. His eyes landed on you, leaning against the wall and glaring at him. Your presence made him tense the slightest bit.

The rest of the squad hesitated to interact with him. But not you. Even if you weren’t friendly with him, the fact that you approached him at all was something he appreciated. But because of your aggression, he was at a loss for how to reply.

Every time. Even now.

“If you really don’t want to bother with us, just quit the squad already,” you remarked before you walked past him and through the chaos, completely unaffected by it.

“Master Nacht… You’re staring at her again…” Plumede whispered in the back of Nacht’s mind.

“Yes. I know,” he said. Nacht felt like an utter fool. Why did his heart race with excitement from your glare? Why did he want to be nearer to you when you clearly resented him?

…

“Thanks for getting our order,” you said while handing payment over to the shopkeeper. You received the parcel and turned to Nacht.

His arms were full with bags of goods that you two picked up for the rest of the squad so he extended one of the less filled bags for you to slip the package into.

“I never expected you to be okay with being used as a pack mule,” you remarked as the two of you walked away.

“I only agreed to accompany you on the shopping trip. I never said I was okay with this kind of treatment,” Nacht replied.

“Yet you haven’t complained about carrying everything.” You quirked a brow in Nacht’s direction but all you got back from him was the same empty smile that he usually wore. You found it a shame that a pretty face like his didn’t express much emotion. “But now that we’ve picked up everything, we can head back.”

“We came by broom, but how about I transport us back with my Shadow Magic? It’s sure to be quicker,” offered Nacht and you immediately blanched.

“Hell no. I’m not getting sucked into that creepy void of yours,” you retorted.

It wasn’t that you didn’t trust Nacht or his magic. Okay, maybe it was a lack of trust. But after Nacht’s harsh behavior early on, putting your faith in his good will didn’t come easily. Plus, you considered yourself to be Nacht’s biggest critic in the squad. There was no way you were about to be buttered up.

“Alright then. I thought to ask instead of merely whisking you away without permission. And since you’ve declined…” Nacht veered from your side and into the shadows of an alleyway. “I’ll see you at the base then.”

“Huh? Where are you—?”

“Good day.” And Nacht was gone.

You blinked.

A part of you wanted to scream at his abandonment of you. Another part wanted to laugh because of the absurdity. And yet a third part wanted to stop and appreciate how he’d, somewhat clumsily, tried to be polite to you.

“He…” You placed your hands over your face, which felt warmer than usual. “He kinda sucks at being nice.”

…

Nacht put his signature at the end of a mission report then put it into a file with the rest of the paperwork that would be delivered to the Magic Knight Headquarters later that day.

The door opened and Nacht lifted his head to see who it was.

His heart skipped a beat upon seeing you enter, a tray of food in hand.

“I noticed you weren’t there for lunch,” you said by way of explanation.

“Lunch?” Nacht checked his clock and, indeed, it was long past the usual hour for lunch. “Ah…” He turned back to you. “Thank you for thinking of me.”

“We need to keep you fed and alive if we want any paperwork done around here,” you joked while placing the tray down. Due to your closeness, Nacht was able to make out a faint blush on your cheeks. Your eyes flicked in his direction. “What are you staring at, shadow stalker?”

“You’re hovering quite close,” Nacht coolly answered as he averted his eyes. “I couldn’t help it if you drew my attention.”

“Ha! Like I’d ever go out with you. I have a strict ‘no assholes’ policy when it comes to my dating pool,” you said with a wry grin.

Nacht raised a brow at your reply.

“First off, you realize that everyone has an anus so your pol—”

You smacked Nacht’s shoulder. Though it was clear from your bit back smile that you did find his remark funny.

“Since when did you know how to tell a joke?”

“I’m a man of secrets and surprises,” Nacht replied. “Secondly…” He rose from his seat and walked around his desk to you. “It’s awfully presumptuous to think I was staring at you with romantic intentions.”

“Uhp—!” You choked up and your flush darkened.

Feeling bolder than usual, Nacht placed his hand under your chin and coaxed you into looking up at him.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were the one who had an interest in me.”

Nacht’s heart fluttered at the idea of you liking him back. He wasn’t about to get his hopes up, not with the way you still threw insults and sarcasm at him on a daily basis. But he wanted to pretend.

You stayed silent for a moment, staring into Nacht’s eyes. It was cute, the wide-eyed look on your face. But Nacht also worried about what was running through your head. So he prompted you again.

“Well? Have anything to say for yourself?”

“Your cologne smells nice…”

Nacht blinked. “What?”

You blinked. “What?”

“You… pay attention to the way I smell?” Nacht felt his face heat up rapidly.

At that, your own face paled.

“What?! Shut up!” You yelled while stepping away from Nacht. “I’m not some creep! I just—! I just have a good nose! Shut up!”

You hurried out the door and your heavy footsteps were heard fleeing for a while.

Nacht blinked a few more times.

I don’t wear cologne, he thought. Then he grimaced. Oh gods, do I smell of something else? He raised his wrist to his nose. I probably can’t tell if I stink. I’d have to ask someone else.

“She was probably talking about your natural, masculine musk, Master,” Gimodelo said.

“I doubt it.”

Nacht touched a hand to his chest and tried to will his heart to calm down.

…

The Black Bulls were celebrating a day off, complete with alcohol and games once night had fallen. On Vanessa’s insistence, one of the games was 7 Minutes in Heaven with the choosing method being drawing lots.

You stared at the “1” drawn onto the stick you’d drawn. Meaning you’d be going first along with the person who’d drawn the other “1.”

“Alright, so who did I match with?” you questioned the group while showing your stick.

You scanned the group. Vanessa and Zora were already paired. Luck pumped a fist as he exclaimed how he and Magna had been paired off. Where was your partn—?

The second “1” stick was tapped against yours.

“I believe this means we’ve been paired off.”

Your heart leapt to your throat and you felt lightheaded as all blood rushed to your face.

Why him?! You were still recovering from your conversation in Nacht’s office the other day. And now you were supposed to be locked in a closet with Nacht for seven whole minutes? This is torture!

You shuffled into the closet with Nacht and plopped yourself on the floor without much care. It’s not like you had much dignity to bring into the situation.

After a few seconds, Nacht sat down beside you and you instinctively scooted to give him space.

“Don’t worry, we don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to,” Nacht whispered and you swore he sounded hurt.

The problem is that I actually do want to kiss you! You kept the thought to yourself, unable to think of a way to put it more… normally.

“Since we’re in here though, I’d like to make a confession.”

You dared to glance in Nacht’s direction but immediately looked away when you saw his bright red flush and the faint, relaxed smile on his face. It was an entirely different look to him and you feared your heart might burst because of how handsome he looked.

“I might sound ridiculous but I’ve liked you for a while now. You were critical of me and yet I was okay with it. Because you were right with how… flawed I acted at times. I like how unafraid and upfront you are without being reckless. And I’m glad we’ve grown closer so to speak and joke with each other a bit. It might sound strange but it’s true.”

At that point, you felt a firm thumping in your chest and your head getting light from the many beats your heart had skipped.

It was more than shocking to learn that Nacht had started loving you before you’d learned to go easy on him. Then again, you had started falling for him when he was still being distant and aloof.

Love worked in mysterious ways, you supposed.

You felt Nacht’s hand on your cheek so you faced him. Nacht smiled at you with a genuine grin full of warmth.

“I like you. I hope you’re okay with me saying that.”

“Nacht…” You finally found your voice. “It’s okay. I… like you too…”

The words hung in the air for the longest moment of your life.

You and Nacht… Alone in that small space…

Nacht cupped your other cheek, his hands were cold but soft against your skin, and leaned down closer to you. You fully turned your body toward him and placed your hands on his shoulders.

Then, your lips met Nacht’s.

The kiss was slow and soft. Neither of you were too eager, but neither of you were too afraid.

For a moment, you two were in sync.

And hopefully that one moment would become many more in the future.

[sapphicseasapphire]

How did the other members of the chain react to the fact that Time was a honest to god ( heh) god?

I’m actually making a comic about this so I’m hesitant to go into too much detail. (Spoilers!) You can find the first part under the title “That one comic with Sky and Time.” A very creative title, I know, but I didn’t want to spoil it!

I’m working on part two! But… it’s very slow going haha. Between my big depression episode that made me unable to draw and my recent chronic pain flare up, I’ve had a hard time doing any serious work on my in-progress comics. I’m doing my best!! But please bear with me haha.

To answer your question (in a vague, hopefully spoiler-free way), there’s a lot of mixed emotions after the God Reveal. Awe. Fear. Anger. You know, the works.

Thank you for asking haha!

[starbeltconstellation]

hiiiii i hope you have been having an amazing summer! i hope this isnt that bothersome to ask since you’re still writing it out but i would like to ask around what month do you think you would be able to get the chapter that you are writing to come out? i also saw that you were saying that you were at around 40k words for this chapter so i don’t want it to seem like i’m trying to rush or anything, just genially curious. also hope that the fix doesnt end up being dropped for what ver reason since i think it might just be the only fic for the SW fandom that actually has me going back and re-reading and still able to enjoy it(which is a bit of a rare thing these days since i’m always surrounded by smut having fics, which is not a bad thing, but it can get old quite quickly).

also i have to say that this is the first time where the slow burn has actually been a slow burn and not just a lazy thing written out and having been given much thought. i really like how you have so far made each encounter between the oc and anakin not a copy and paste of their first encounter (with the oc being afraid of her life and anakin being just confused but both of them trying to figure out and work out their problems as each chapter comes out). this is all i have to say for now ig so again i hope you have an amazing day!!! 💕

Helloooo! 😊💕

Thank you so very much for the lovely ask and well wishes, dear reader duckling! 😁❤️✨ It truly made my day to see a new ask in my inbox . Hehe. ❤️❤️✨

And I’m soooo sorry for the late response! 😭❤️💔 It just takes me a while to get to asks sometimes with my life problems going on, especially because I want to dedicate the right amount of attention to giving my thoughts. But I just wanted you and all my other readers to know that I’m never ignoring you. 💕💕

It’s completely fine for you to check in and ask me about my chapter progress, dear! 💕✨ Makes me at least know someone’s still out there excited to see it. Haha.

I’ll put the rest of my answer under a read more:

Well, what I do for my Fic chapters is I try to split up the scenes from scenes from the actual EPISODES from The Clone Wars, and then write the other scenes from my own planned storyline in between everything else. What I had ORIGINALLY planned was to have each chapter be one episode of TCW, or another original storyline arc that I had chosen to add (ie; the Kudon III storyline). However, I very quickly realized that writing out a completely original storyline takes a lot fucking longer and more brain power than expected. 😭😖🫠 And not only that—the 🔥sensual Melakin scenes 🔥 take even TWICE as long as that. Lol. 😭 And so—QUITE sadly—I have had to admit to myself that it just isn’t feasible for my chapters to be that long, even though cutting TCW episodes in multiple chapters might break the flow of the story.

And so, after I FINALLY get out this whopper of a chapter (which I HOPE to have completed by the first weeks of August), I am NEVERRRR writing a chapter this long again. Lol. 😭🤦‍♀️

So rest easy with that, in the sense that hopefully a hiatus will never be this long again. I think the problem with writing chapters this long is that—for one—my SW hyperfixation is gone, which makes my writing way slower that it used to be (which I fucking HATE 😭🙃). For another, the problem is my depression steals my energy and motivation, and while the 25% of lovely reader comments I get out of the 70% silent ghost readers that I try to “pspspsps” into my comment feed, give me boosts of that good ol’ serotonin—at the same time: I think the problem is that, with the shorter chapters beforehand, I could write so much in one day, because in doing so, I would already get halfway done in only a few hours. But with such a long chapter, it makes me kind of dread writing for so long, to not even have the satisfaction of pressing “post” at the end of it all in reward. Lol. 😭💔🫠

And so, this chapter has gone at about a snails pace for that very reason. 😭😅

So, what I NOW am planning to do is to split each TCW episode and original storyline I come up with into probably a three arc format (ie; three chapters), which will make it much easier for me to write without getting exhausted. That way, the chapters should only be at the most 10 to 15,000 words (hopefully. Lol). 😅😂❤️

BUT! I will ease your mind by saying that no matter WHAT—I am NEVER abandoning this story. ✊😖❤️ It’s literally going to be my magnum opus. Now—I KNOW authors say that all the time and then become little lying liars who lie—BUT unlike them, I am writing this dream fix it fic specifically for ME. 😂❤️ So the only way I can have the story of my dreams is to FINISH this things someday. So I hope that eases your worries. Lol. 💕

And awwwww! 🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕 Thank you SO, so much for your kind words about my story and writing! It means the world to me that my fic seems to stand out on A03 and Wattpad to a lot of SW fans. Haha.

And thank you SO much for your compliments on how I’m writing Melakin’s developing slow burn/relationship and in their separate character arcs. It was really important to me that Anakin and Melanie weren’t just getting together to get TOGETHER. I like my stories to mean something, and if you’ve read my other meta posts, then you’ll know that Melakin’s romantic relationship has actually been PURPOSEFULLY paralleled with Anidala, to show the difference between how someone you love can actually make you grow to be BETTER, instead of a relationship where they both enable each other’s worst tendencies (even though the love may have been genuine).

But yeah, it was REALLY important to me that their slow burn was actually REALISTIC, because yes, I’ll admit some slow burns keep the two people apart for way longer than necessary just to have drama. But for Melakin, there’s just SO many reasons they can’t get together yet (ie; the Anidala secret marriage, Melanie’s lingering terror of Anakin, Anakin and Melanie still being barely even friends, and also Anakin’s future moral decay that Melanie remains at the same time disgusted by while trying to stop it from happening), so it makes the slow burn more genuine to me. Their relationship develops the more their CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT develops.

But anyway! You’ll be happy to know that I’ve COMPLETELY FINISHED all of my original scenes for my next chapter! 😊💕 So now—I only have to follow the transcript of TCW episode and write out the actual EPISODE STORYLINE—which will be WAY easier and shouldn’t take as long as before.

I’m not making any promises—but I’m AIMING for a new posted chapter in sometime in the next two weeks. So… just a heads up with that. ❤️❤️💕✨

Thanks so very much again for the ask, dear reader! 😊✨💕 It made my week. Haha.

Until next time! ✨❤️

-

To any new readers that stumble across this and are curious enough to check out my fic:

Tags:

@ensomniaa

@heartfairy

@fangirlteallie

@lemons-2-limes

@shoniwake

[welcome-to-green-hills]

Now that I think of it, was it ever really explained why Maria had to be in earth other than “being sealed off from the illnesses on earth/sterile environment?” That gist I got from the games. But is it like an actual science or something? I figured it’s best to ask a scientist this question because I feel like you’d know.

Hi Hon!❤️✨

I’m terribly sorry for the late reply. I’ve been a bit busy on my end. To answer your question, yes! This is an actual science. It may feel futuristic in a sense, but it’s on its way to becoming a groundbreaking field of research! The concern here, as most field research goes (oh, the agony of working on underfunded projects), is that it’s not heavily explored as much as we hoped. This field of research is called “Mechanobiology.”

To put it simply (very simply because there’s so much to the topic), Maria Robotnik’s condition does not grow while in space because of gravity. Yes, gravity. Your body is able to adapt to nearly every environment within a specific amount of time. It could be hours, days, or even weeks depending on one’s response. Once when your body adapts, it starts to change. In this case, cellular structures! Emerging research has shown that while humans do age progressively slower in space, terminal illnesses and tumors come to a near halt (Kim et Al., 2021). This is where gravity comes in. With Maria’s NIDs, the progression of her illness slows. It’s not a complete stop in growth, but it’s enough to prevent it from getting worse. If that makes sense.

Now, there is a caveat to this. For the type of enclosed environment that Maria and Shadow are in, the probability of her contracting other illnesses increases. These illnesses are like the flu, coronaviruses, and other airborne illnesses. Her environment needs to be sterile at all times. That, and if she were to return to earth without a means of finding a cure, the projection of the NIDs growth would resume to its normal speed.

Even though it’s not explored a lot in the games, know that it’s an actual science. Hopefully the field becomes popularized in the future. I hope that this answers your question my dear!

[joshanniesworld]

Beautiful Mistakes | k.m.g

one | two | three coming soon!

pairing: kim mingyu x reader

summary: You have a crush on Mingyu, but unfortunately, he's your older brother's best friend. Not to mention that he only sees you as a little sister. So you're stuck between confronting your feelings, getting over your crush, or being forever single.

genre: romance, fluff, university au, brother's best friend

tags/warnings: fem! reader, unrequited love, university au, very slow burn, alcohol consumption, hoshi flirting again, like two suggestive comments, pretty sure there is a curse word somewhere, mingyu is an idiot but so is reader, jeonghan is a little shit but we love him, probably has a bunch of mistakes sorry, I suck at proofreading , idk what else

word count: 3.2k words

author’s note: Did it take me a whole month just to write this? yes, it did. honestly, didn't like this part but hopefully next one is better. we finally get some progress between mingyu and reader! Reblog, like or comment if you’d like to support my work! <3

“You’re wearing…that?”

You looked at your outfit, confused. Clearly, you didn’t understand why Seungkwan and Gahyeon were judging your choice of clothes.

“What do you mean? It’s nice and simple.” You argued.

Your friends gave each other a look that probably meant they disagreed. They walked up to your closet without acknowledging you and started rummaging through your clothes.

“Hey! Don’t do that. I already made a mess, and you’ll make it worse.” Complaining, you walked towards them and tried stopping whatever they were doing.

“Look, the outfit is cute. But it’s basically what you wear every other day.” Seungkwan complained. Gahyeon agreed and showed him one of your blouses.

“What about this? Maybe with a skirt?”

“Oh yeah! That’s cute. Wait, let me find a skirt.” Seungkwan enthusiastically agreed with Gahyeon’s choice and started looking for a matching skirt. “Got it!”

He pulled a skirt from the closet and put it next to the blouse to see if it matched.

“Yup, that’s it. Here Y/N, get changed.” Rolling your eyes, you grabbed both items and went into the bathroom to get changed. “Hurry up, Jeonghan is probably almost here.”

You quickly changed into the new outfit and went back into the room. Standing expectantly, you waited for their approval.

“10 out 10. You look so cute!” Gahyeon commented, and your other friend agreed. “Maybe it will finally make Mingyu ask you out. God knows it has taken him long enough.”

You scoffed and shook your head. “Sure, he will.”

“Babe, have you not seen how he looks at you?” Gahyeon insisted.

“Oh yeah, he looks at her like a lovesick puppy. It’s disgusting but endearing,” Seungkwan agreed.

“Or he’s just trying to be nice.” You grabbed your phone and wallet and put them in your purse. “It doesn’t matter anyways. Can we please finish?”

“Okay, fine, whatever you say.” Gahyeon gave up trying to convince you. “Want me to do your makeup?”

You nodded and sat in front of the mirror. “Something light, though, It’s hot, and I’m going to get sweaty.”

“By the way, why is Jeonghan going with you to the party?” Seungkwan suddenly asked while he was looking through his phone.

“Mingyu said he could come too when telling me about the party.” You told him. “I begged him to say yes, and now I have to buy him coffee for two weeks.”

Seungkwan chuckled. “That sounds like Jeonghan.”

A knock on the door interrupted our conversation. From behind the door, Vernon’s head popped up, “Jeonghan is here.”

“Give me a minute; we’re almost done.”

“Okay, I’ll tell him.” He said and walked away again.

Gahyeon quickly finished the makeup and fixed your hair before sending you off. “Done, now go have fun!”

You grabbed your purse and quickly made your way outside of the room. “Got it. Bye, guys!”

Walking into the living room, you saw Jeonghan waiting with Vernon by the door.

“Hi, sunshine. Ready to go?” Your older friend asked.

“Yup. Bye, Vernon. If you guys order food, save some for me.” You reminded him. He rolled his eyes but nodded.

“Sure, have fun.”

You and Jeonghan walked out to his car and got in.

“Buckle up, kid,” Jeonghan said jokingly.

“Shut up, old man.”

When you finally arrived and the party you could hear the music from outside. A get-together, my ass.

“So, you ready?” Jeonghan asked for the last time. You sighed and gave him a thumbs up.

“Let’s go.”

You had mentally prepared for the next few hours. Loud music, sweaty bodies, lots of alcohol, and Kim Mingyu flirting with someone new.

Jeonghan walked in front of you when you went into the house. Looking around, you spotted a few familiar faces. Two of the most popular heartthrobs on campus, Jeong Jaehyun and Cha Eunwoo, were playing beer pong. By the bar, you saw Xu Minghao, who was in your art class. And tonight’s Dj, Johnny Suh, your lab partner in biology class last semester. Lee Seokmin, one of Mingyu’s closest friends, was the first to spot you. Smiling, he walked up to you.

“Y/N! You made it. Mingyu is around, but he’ll be glad to see you.” He greeted you over the loud music. “You’re Jeonghan, right? We had English class together last semester.”

“Yeah, I remember. You like pizza.” Jeonghan said, grinning.

Seokmin’s eyes widened a little in surprise and then started laughing.

“Yup, that’s me. So, you guys want a drink?” He asked, pointing to the bar.

“I’m good. I’m the designated driver.” Jeonghan passed up the offer looking at you.

You shrugged your shoulders. “I’m down for a drink.”

Seokmin clapped his hands excitedly and walked us to the bar. A girl was chatting with a few people around the bar while serving drinks. She quickly turned to you when she spotted Seokmin walking to the bar.

“Youngji, this Y/N and Jeonghan. Guys, this is Youngji. The unofficial bartender of the party.”

“It’s nice to finally meet Seungcheol’s sister. I’ve heard a lot from you!” She greeted you.

“My brother seems to talk a lot about me from what I’ve been told.” You said, chuckling a bit awkwardly. She and Seokmin both laughed a bit.

“Honestly, you have no idea.”

“So, drinks?” Youngji asked. You raised a hand. “What do you want?”

Honestly, you weren’t much of a drinker. It didn’t hurt once in a while, though.

“Something fruity?” You asked, unsure.

“Coming right up!” She announced as she started working on the drink.

You looked at Jeonghan, who you knew was judging you.

“What?” You asked innocently.

“I’m not dealing with puke, so if you get wasted, I’m leaving you in the street.”

You laughed a little and hit him in the arm playfully.

“Relax, I’m only going to have one drink.” You tried to reassure him, but he didn’t seem convinced.

“Here you go, one fruity drink for you,” Youngji said, giving you the drink. You took a sip and tasted orange juice with a bit of alcohol. Youngji was starting as if waiting for your approval, so you gave her a thumbs up. “Glad you like it, have fun, by the way. I’m going to dance for a bit; see you around!”

“Do you guys play pool?” Seokmin asked once Youngji was gone.

“I can play. Not sure if Y/N can,” Jeonghan answered.

You shook your head, smiling a bit embarrassed. The memory of Seungcheol trying to teach you how to play last summer popped up in your head. It was better if you stayed as a viewer.

“I’ll watch.”

“Great! Hey Minghao, want to play pool?” Seokmin called for his friend.

Minghao stopped doing whatever he was doing and agreed to his friend’s request.

“Sure, I’ll get Jun to play in pairs.”

“Cool. Come on! The pool table is in the other room,” Seokmin called us to follow him.

You weren’t sure of how you ended up back at the bar. Or when one drink turned into a third drink. One moment you were watching the guys play pool, and the next, Seokmin was dragging them somewhere to do God knows what.

“Hey! You’re Cheol’s sister!” Interrupting your thoughts, you hear someone say excitedly. Turning to look for the culprit, you find Vernon’s coworker, Hoshi.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, surprised.

He laughs a little and takes the empty spot beside you.

“One of my friends invited me,” he explained. “I wasn’t planning on coming, but I’m glad I did.”

You had to admit that he was hot but endearingly cute at the same time. Last time he was wearing the coffee shop’s uniform. But this time, he wore loose jeans, a tight black tank, and a gold chain around his neck. His piercings and dyed blonde hair gave him a cool, almost punk vibe. He caught you staring at him and gave you a charming smile. Flustered, you shifted your eyes to the drink in your hands.

“So, why are you on your own?”

“Uh, well, I came with a friend. Somewhere along the way, we separated, and now I’m here.”

“Ah, I see. Mind if I keep you company?”

You chuckled and looked at him. “Isn’t it a little late to ask? You’re already sitting next to me.”

“Okay, fair enough.” He agreed, laughing.

“So, do you go here?” you ask, trying to make small talk.

“Yup, I’m a dance major. Usually, I’m in the practice rooms.”

Ah, that explained why you hadn’t seen him before.

“You know, I’ve heard a lot about you. But, I mean, to be honest, who hasn’t?”

Thank you, big brother.

“I’m going to start taking a shot every time I hear that.”

He laughed again, and you noticed his eye smile. It was so cute that it made you smile too.

“Sorry, that’s all Cheol’s fault. He’s basically the campus celebrity, so word gets around quickly.” He explained. “You two are pretty close, huh?”

“Yeah, we’re close. Our Dad wanted us to have a strong relationship despite the age difference, so he always made us spend time together.” You said, remembering how it was growing up with Seungcheol. “Don’t get me wrong, we fight about ninety-nine percent of the time. But he’s always the first person to be there for me.”

“That’s cute. It’s like my older sister and me.” You noticed he brightened up when speaking about his sister. “We fight a lot, but she’s always caring for me.”

“That’s it!” You exclaimed, clapping excitedly. Hoshi seemed confused by your sudden outburst. “Sorry, I was trying to figure out your vibes. You definitely give off little brother energy. It totally makes sense you have an older sister.”

“Ouch, did you just brother-zoned me even before I made a move?” He whined, placing a hand on his chest as if he was hurt.

You looked at him surprised but tried to play it cool by clearing your throat.

“So, what does Hoshi mean? I haven’t heard it before.”

“Ah, I’m glad you asked. It means gaze of a tiger.” He explained excitedly. “Can you guess why that’s my nickname?”

You looked at him and took a guess. “Is it because you look like a tiger?”

“Yes! I do look like a tiger, right?” He exclaimed. “You know what you just earned?”

“What?” You asked skeptically.

Smiling, he raised his hand and did a claw. “Horanghae!”

You burst laughing, and he joins you, covering his face in embarrassment.

“You’re funny, you know that?”

“You’re cute, you know that?” He asked rhetorically. You huffed, rolling your eyes, but it only made him smile more. “Do you want to dance?”

You stared at him for a minute, weighing your options. He was cute and definitely fun to be around. Plus, it was a given that he was a good dancer. But you were completely aware that by now, you were tipsy. That didn’t matter, though, because Hoshi was probably drunker than you. Why not? Jeonghan was probably having fun with some girl, and so was your crush. Sitting here for the rest of the night was a waste.

“Lead the way, tiger.”

Hoshi was indeed a good dancer. You were in the middle of the dance floor swaying to the beat of the music. Your back was pressed against his chest, and his hands were around your waist. The room felt hot, but you weren’t sure if it was due to the crowd or Hoshi’s proximity.

“Should I be concerned for my well-being?” Hoshi whispered into your ear.

Frowning, confused, you look at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Kim Mingyu is staring at me like he wants to bury me.”

You follow Hoshi’s gaze. There, Mingyu stood away from the crowd with some girl. He didn’t seem interested in whatever she was saying; he was too busy staring at you and Hoshi. For a moment, your eyes crossed, but he quickly looked away. What the hell is wrong with him? Ignoring the awkward situation, you bring your attention back to Hoshi.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Right, he was clearly not planning my murder.” Hoshi scoffed. “So, you like him?”

“Hoshi,” You said, warning him about whatever he would say next. “Whatever you’re thinking, forget it.”

“I’m just asking. He didn’t seem happy to see us dancing the night away. And for a moment, you seemed almost hopeful when I said he was staring.”

You sighed, knowing he wouldn’t let it be.

“I have a crush on him, but he’s my brother’s friend. That’s it, end of the story.”

“I knew it!” Hoshi grinned. “I admit, though, I’m a bit disappointed that you like him. But now I’m curious.”

You looked at him skeptically. “What do you mean curious?” “Let’s try something.”

Hoshi’s lips were on yours before you could ask what he meant. You grabbed onto his shoulder to balance yourself. The kiss was sloppy—probably because of the alcohol—but surprisingly good. Instead of pushing him off, you decided to follow his lead. You had to admit Hoshi was a hell of a kisser. Sadly, the kiss was cut off by someone pulling you away.

“Time to go home.”

You looked up at Mingyu, surprised. Before you could say anything, the taller man dragged you away from the crowd. In the middle of the chaos, you could only catch a glimpse of Hoshi grinning and giving you a thumbs up.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” You snapped at Mingyu. “I was dancing!”

He scoffed and kept walking ahead. “You seemed to be doing a lot more than dancing.”

“So what? It was just a kiss.”

He suddenly stopped and turned to look at you, annoyed. He was frowning so much you were sure he was about to pop a vain. Not that it was important. But why did he lowkey look hot when mad?

“Just a kiss? Please, you don’t just kiss people; Kwon Soonyoung doesn’t either.”

Oh, so that was his real name. Yeah, no. He looked more like a Hoshi.

“And what would you know about me kissing people?” you argued. “More than you think. Now get in. I’m taking you home.”

You were too caught up in the discussion. You hadn’t even realized you were in front of his car.

“I came with Jeonghan. I can’t leave just because you say so.”

“Jeonghan left with a girl earlier. He told me because his battery died, and he couldn’t find you.”

That little traitor. You were definitely going to kill him.

“I’ll walk, thanks.”

You held onto your purse stubbornly and started walking away.

“Y/N, get in the car,” he demanded.

“No, leave me alone!”

“Oh my God, why are you acting like a child?!”

“Because you’re treating me like one!”

You heard him take a deep breath, and for a moment, you felt guilty. But you remember he acted like an ass, and the guilt disappeared.

“Y/N, please get in the car. You’re drunk, and I want to make sure you get home safe,” he pleaded for the last time.

By the way his tone changed from agitated to concerned, you could tell he was tired of arguing.

"Fine," you murmured.

Begrudgingly, you went back to the car and got into the passenger seat without waiting for him. A few seconds later, he got in and started the car.

You both stayed quiet for a while until he broke the silence.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act like that earlier,” he apologized.

You played with your hand and nodded.

“I’m sorry too. I wasn’t thinking straight,” You apologize back. “I’m still mad at you, though. You didn’t have to do that.”

He looked at you briefly from the corner of his eyes and turned back to look at the road.

“I know. I just got worried, okay?” He clarified.

“You don’t have to worry about me. That’s not your job.” He scoffed unamused.

“It is, though, remember? Your brother was clear on the "take care of Y/N" talk.”

“Yeah, I know. But, still doesn’t mean you can tell me who to kiss or not.” You argued back.

“Look, I know that. But it's Kwon Soonyoung. His reputation precedes him.” You must have looked at him like he had grown a second head because he quickly clarified. “Mine does too, but that’s different. I’m not trying to get into your pants.”

Yeah, that’s the problem.

“I’m sorry, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.” He insisted. “You deserve a nice guy. Not some douchebag that will break your heart.”

The car stopped at a red light, and he turned to look at you. You stared at him for a little too long. Awkwardly looking away, you hoped he didn’t notice. If only he knew you wished that your nice guy was him. For the rest of the ride, you decided the buildings outside were far more entertaining than him.

Despite sharing a class together, you hadn’t seen Mingyu after he dropped you at your place. In a way, you were glad you didn’t have to deal with the Soonyoung conversation. But at the same time, you felt down not seeing him around.

“Why are you sulking?”

Startled, you looked up from your food. Kwon Soonyoung is standing in front of you, looking at you quizzingly.

“When did you even get here?” you asked, confused. “And I’m not sulking.”

Soonyoung chuckled and took the empty spot in front of yours. He grabbed the open bag of chips and shamelessly started eating them.

“So, how did it go with Mingyu?”

“To sum it up, he basically told me to stay away from you,” you explained. “Apparently, you have a reputation.”

Soonyoung looked offended by your words.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” he complained. “I never lie about my intentions!”

“And what exactly are your intentions with me?”

“Originally, I was going to ask you out. Now, I’m invested in the Mingyu situation. Oh, look, Seungkwan!" He pointed at your other friend walking your way.

Seungkwan walked to your table and sat next to Soonyoung.

“What are you doing here?” Seungkwan questioned Hoshi.

“Me? I’m here for the chips.”

“I can see that,” Seungkwan mumbled. “So, Y/N, have you seen Mingyu yet?”

“No, and I’d like to keep it that way for a while.”

“Uh, that might be a problem then,” Hoshi noted.

“What? Why?” You asked.

“He’s walking this way.” Seungkwan announced.

Had there been more time, you would’ve made a run for it.

“Y/n, can I talk to you?”

You looked at Seungkwan, and Soonyoung, who were busy pretending they weren’t there.

“Mingyu, hi,” you greet him. “Um, you know Seungkwan, right? And Soonyoung?”

“Yeah, hi,” Mingyu greeted them quickly. “So, can we talk?”

Both of the boys greeted Mingyu and went back to pretending.

“What did you want to talk about?” You ask him.

“Um, here?” Mingyu asked, glancing at Seungkwan and Hoshi.

“Uh, yeah. Why not?”

“Okay, I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened. You know?”

“Oh, I know.” Hoshi chimed in. Mingyu rolled his eyes. Seungkwan quickly covered his mouth and smiled apologetically.

“Ignore him. Carry on.”

“Mingyu, don’t worry about it. You already apologized.” You reminded him.

“Yeah, I know. I still felt bad, though.” He insisted.

“It’s fine. Really.”

“Okay, then. That’s it. I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see you around.” You waved goodbye as he started to walk away. Suddenly, he stopped and turned back in your direction. “Wait! Are you doing the class presentation alone?”

“Oh, I was going to ask Jeonghan.”

“Can’t. I already have a partner.”

You got startled by Jeonghan’s voice, who was standing right next to you. Apparently, today was the day for everyone to sneak up on you. You frowned, confused.

“Since when? We always partner up in class?”

Jeonghan shrugged his shoulders.

“Great! We can partner up.” Mingyu cheered. “I’ll text you later so we can meet. Bye!”

And just like that, he was gone again. Crossing your arms, you stare at Jeonghan.

“Who’s this partner of yours?”

Jeonghan smirks and sits next to you. “Just someone I know from the class.”

“I bet.” You scoff.

“Can we please talk about Mingyu asking Y/N out?” Seungkwan interrupted.

“Seungkwan, he asked me to work on the presentation. How is that a date?”

“Oh, Y/N. The presentation is just an excuse to hang out.” Soonyoung explained.

“No, it’s not,” you complained.

"It is," Seungkwan and Jeonghan agreed.

“Okay, whatever. I’ve got a class in five minutes. I’ll see you later.” You say, grabbing your bag and heading for your class.

[fiddles-ifs]

GREENWARDEN UPDATE: 3-1-23

Since I'll take any excuse to work less, play more, I always try and take February off my usual update schedule. This makes March something of a hefty update month, which is good! However, I didn't want to leave people hanging, so instead I'll leave you all with a snippet for a certain, highly specific path for the next update.

Under the cut for length! Content warnings for blood and violence. The usual.

The night is slow — the regulars file in like tired dogs, covered in grease-stained overalls and jumpsuits, shedding camo jackets and hats, throwing them over stools. They settle in with the same wheezy whine. Most work in the coal mines and natural gas wells. Long journeyed people from Texas or South Carolina, gone in a year or two; they form their cliques away from the mechanics, carpenters, contractors, and Warden natives. Both groups, you notice, give a wide berth to the lumber yard workers.

You can see their haunted eyed, glassy stares from miles away. They’re like headlights. Even the bartender seems reluctant to serve them. They sit, exiled, at a table that seems specially purposed for them and say nothing. When they want another round — and there are a lot of them — they send an emissary up to the bar. You make a note of the time. They could be useful. People who spend a lot of time in woods like these tend to have stories, and you know that look.

Hopefully you can keep PIRA away from them for now.

It’s the bar rush — or something adjacent to it. It’s not full, but now that peoples’ wives and girlfriends have slipped in, there’s more talking and happier songs filtered through the jukebox. The bell over the door hasn’t jingled in almost an hour, and you figure it won’t until people start filing out. You check your watch. Almost seven — and the sun has sunk behind the mountains. At least, you think so.

You’ve been getting progressively drunker, a little louder and more sullen. Still in control. Still good. But the world is fuzzy around the edges and your cheeks are warm. The fish bowl is quiet, for once, even if the bar patrons are starting to inch away from you.

It isn’t long before you feel a shadow fall over your shoulder, a warning blink before you’re immediately accosted with a very loud hey. It’s loud enough it catches the bartender’s attention and hurts your ear. You rub the side of your head with your palm. Soothing the ache. Already halfway murderous, you turn your head to look at whoever is trying oh-so-politely to get your attention.

He’s a broadly built man, about six foot, and not much older than you; his high-and-tight is still a deep, dark, coal black and there’s only a few wrinkles around his eyes — but you can see the telltale puffiness of prolonged alcoholism in his cheeks and nose. A little bit of flab settling into the hard lines of his body. He’s wobbling, more than a little drunk, and flanked by similarly large and sturdily built men.

He just screams cop.

“You been snooping around like a fuckin’ rat,” he says, “asking questions, makin’ people uncomfortable, right where you don’t fuckin’ belong. Who do you think you are?”

“Jim-“ The bartender goes to step in. Tries to. He gets in your space, knocking her half-hearted hands out of the way to crowd you against your stool.

“Naw, Cal, I’m over this little prick.”

>YOU CAN'T HELP THE SMILE. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE DEALING WITH.

A vile, razor smile creeps up your face like a disease. Your legs follow, unfolding bit by bit. Almost a full head taller than Jim and his townies. “Little, huh?”

Your feet slide into place easily; it’s a familiar dance. You love the steps, the choreography, the aftermath.

You’ve never felt more alive than in the middle of a fight.

“Jim,” Cal’s voice is hard from behind the stick, a shield making her a little braver, “you know the rules.”

Both of you stare like snarling dogs at the ends of their chains; you watch Jim debate with himself, addled and stumbling. Whatever rules exist at McNeil’s, Jim decides they’re worth breaking. For the thrill, if nothing else.

You watch his punch come in from miles away. He’s a heavy hitter — slow and clumsy.

You let it breathe just a little too close to your face, stepping into its wild arc. You fist finds the soft meat between ribs. Once. Twice. Something threatens to snap. His ribs, the tension, something else.

Chaos reigns.

Jim backs up and gags, wretching for air just as someone tries to jump in. You redirect their arm, throwing them across the bar into the delicate fridge full of pop and water bottles. Glass shatters. Someone is screaming. Someone is laughing.

You pick up a stool and smash it into a face; you don’t even know if they were coming or running away. This is what you were made for, molded into. The blood makes a primal, predator part of your brain start slobbering. The sound of breaking glass and cracking bones become a restless cacophony. Different bars, different prey. You lose yourself in the memories, becoming a whirlwind, getting sloppy, a hungry animal set lose on a pack of house-trained dogs.

A hand grabs your shoulder and spins you around. You almost stab whoever it is (no knife in your hand, what were you thinking?) before they punch you in the face. You recognize the knuckle taste even as you hit the floor. Bautista.

He hits you again just for good measure when you start sitting up. Pain explodes up your mouth and rattles behind your eyes; you taste new pennies. Your head lolls limply when he grabs you by the shirt and jacket and drags your sorry ass out of McNeil’s. People throw things. Someone wolf whistles at Bautista’s retreating back.

YOU'RE STILL LAUGHING, EARS RINGING, SWALLOWING BLOOD.

[t-lane-writes]

Tidbit Tuesday

I was tagged by @echo-bleu . Thanks. :)

This is a fragment from Crystal Spring Valley, as I'm now re-reading it. Trying to use the work-free month to make progress on two stories at the same time. Oi.

Building the new gangway took them four long-days. There was very little growth at the bottom of the gully, so at least that didn’t slow the construction, but they needed solid wood, and a lot of it. Initially only about twenty people were able to do the job. Then, as some of the less severely wounded were up to the task, the work went faster.  Luka was on the mend, at least physically. He was getting stronger every day and by the time the gangway was ready, he was able to walk to it on his own two feet. When it came to crossing it, though, he froze. The bridge didn’t seem solid – it shook and swayed as people walked on it, one by one. It was narrow too, and only had a railing – crooked and uneven – on the right side. The one where Luka was missing a hand.  “Come on.” Priya tried to goad him into taking a step forward. “I’ll help you, okay. I’ll hold the railing and you will hold onto my arm. Or I you can walk backwards. I’ll be in front of you, guiding you.”  But Luka shook his head.  “It’s best if I just-- If I just walk away.” His voice was rough and tone stubborn. “I’ll go down into the Valley. I don’t know. I’m not needed there.” He gestured at the walls rising on the other side of the gully. “You don’t need me.” “I do need you, Luka,” Priya said, but she wasn’t sure how to convince him. “Your sword arm is your left arm anyway,” she blurted out, against her better judgment. “You can still fight.” It was the wrong argument, and she knew it even before she spoke.  He gave her a glare and just like that, turned away and started walking down the borough and the remnants of their encampment.  “Luka, wait!”  Priya wanted to run after him, but it was Julia who changed his mind. She stepped in front of him and said something in a quiet voice, for his ears only. Luka stopped, looked at her, tried to shake his head, but she grabbed his face and spoke again, words Priya couldn’t hear, couldn’t read from the movement of Julia’s lips. Words she envied her so much. Those words convinced Luka to come back to the edge of the gully, to fight his fear and his helplessness. To cross to the other side and enter Fir Grove.  Priya was envious, but she was also very, very grateful to Julia for keeping Luka with them. And, hopefully, for giving him an incentive to fight for his health and for his future. 

Thank you for reading. :)

Tagging: @drippingmoon , @aohendo , @lire-casander , @did-i-do-this-write , @void-botanist , @ryns-ramblings