#and yes I understand I’m using the term ‘international’ loosely

[nightwingandhissquad]

young justice (up to s3) is finally on uk/international netflix they’ve finally remembered us and given international fans a way to legit watch it and give it views it only took them 5 years

[aj-lenoire]

okay so one of the changes made when the hunger games books were adapted into the films was something they did with cato—the scene on the cornucopia, where cato has peeta in a headlock, is quite possibly the most devious scene in the film, and the best change made (closely tied with the scene where haymitch convinces seneca crane to make the rule change)

in the novel, cato has one line; he warns katniss what happens if she fires an arrow at him, “shoot me and we [cato and peeta] both go down”. he smiles triumphantly and laughs a bit, and coupled with katniss’ internal monologue when she blows up their supplies, it adds to the idea that he’s not quite there, that he’s not totally sane

in the film, however…

Cato: Go on, shoot! And we’d both go down and you’d win. Go on. I’m dead anyway! I always was, right? I didn’t know that until now. Isn’t that what they [the Capitol audience] want, huh? No! I can still do this. I can still do this. One more kill. It’s the only thing I know how to do. Bring pride to my district. Not that it matters.

now whilst i love suzanne collins and she is a damn clever writer, i think in this case the movie did it better, because this little monologue makes cato go from a generic short-term villain (compared to the long-term villain of the capitol) to a complex and almost tragic character

in both the book and the movie, his death, which a lesser story might frame as a victorious moment for the heroes, is unsettling and tragic, but it’s done in different ways.

yes, he’s a volunteer, a career, but district 2, more so than the rest of panem, has been completely flooded with propaganda and treated more favourably. we see it more clearly in the third book, but the first two show us in part that district 2 is very much how the capitol wants it (and the other districts) to be; it’s completely brainwashed. unlike 12, 11, etc, there’s not such a lack of resources that widespread (but low-level so as not to result in punishment) resentment fosters within the general population. 12 in particular is governed much more loosely, and people have greater freedom because of it. but in 2 the majority of the population is totally loyal, unquestioning, and caught up in the idea that the capitol really is generous and the games really are a glorious opportunity

in the film he’s 18, in the book he’s 16. that makes him, fundamentally a kid. he’s a kid who’s been brainwashed, who hasn’t had the chance to think for himself if maybe the capitol isn’t all that great, who has been fed nothing but heaps and heaps of propaganda, in a district that pretty much buys it wholesale, so he would have likely not come across anyone like, say, gale, whose personal hardships (and to some extent the less strict government) gave him the opportunity to question the capitol and think for himself

I’m not saying he’s totally innocent, obviously–there’s parts in both versions where he shows genuine amusement in hunting and killing his fellow tributes, and only when he’s on the other end of the weapon does he realise that no, this actually isn’t a game.

in the middle of the night, surrounded by vicious attack dogs, knowing that he’s going to die no matter what, cato finally understands what the games really are. terror and subjugation. much like a ww1 soldier having romanticised ideas of war and glory, only to be met with the miserable, awful reality of the trenches, he has bought into the government’s propaganda at the cost of his life, and even worse, his humanity. he’s a kid who never had the chance to think for himself, to be anything other than a tribute, a killer. killing is the only thing he knows how to do.

it is what he has been trained to do his whole life, in the academy for the career tributes, he has been told that he can rise above his life as slave to the capitol and bring pride to his district. but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. whether he dies or becomes a victor he’ll just be a piece in the capitol’s games, he’ll just be another slave. he’ll only one step above district 2′s population, just like they’re only one step above all the other districts. he’ll still be far below the capitol, the people who made him this way.

[xiaomoxu]

Lucien’s Mind Quest: Craving

SPOILER ALERT!!

A date from CN server which hasn’t been released on EN server yet. Might contains some spoiler.

🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 🍁 

Exclusive Radio

Xu Mo: A Ming, be more concise when submitting reports in the future. Your ability to refine key points needs to be strengthened.

A Ming: Yes, I understand.

Xu Mo: I'm not in the institute next week and will go to another place.

Xu Mo: If you have anything, you can talk to me over the phone.

Xu Mo: Do you have any other questions?

A Ming: Professor, isn't it... from the media who wanted to interview you again?

A Ming: Recently, there have been more reporters outside the Institute, and they all want to interview you about the Kolavo Prize.

A Ming: Even I feel a little troubled

A Ming: Fortunately, you have chosen this period of time for vacation, which is indeed a good thing.

Xu Mo: Not because of this reason.

Xu Mo: I just think that some time ago, I always seemed to be busy with work. Now is the time to give myself a vacation.

A Ming: Do you just want to take a vacation?

Xu Mo: Do you need other reasons?

A Ming: No, no, I just feel a little surprised.

A Ming: After all, from last year until now, professor has almost never been out of the institute except for normal vacations.

A Ming: I feel like you're all focused on work...

Xu Mo: Maybe it is a bit too immersive.

Xu Mo: So this holiday, I want to spend more time with people around me.

A Ming: Oh, I understand why the professor went to another place for vacation.

A Ming: Don't worry! I will never disturb you! Happy vacation, professor!

Xu Mo: You are now very good at refining the point.

A Ming: Hehe...

Xu Mo: Well, it's a date.

🍁

MIND'S QUEST

The traditional style hotel room is warm and dry.

I changed into a yukata, sat on the tatami, took a deep breath, nervously opened the news that popped up on the phone one-

"The announcement of the Kolavo Prize list has been postponed. Can the genius scientist Xu Mo set the record for the youngest winner?"

The bold and enlarged headlines are very eye-catching.

Postponed? I froze for a moment, and hurriedly clicked on the details to quickly browse.

"... Today, the authoritative awards in the scientific community, the winners of the Kolavo Life Science Award, are about to be announced, which has attracted great attention at home and abroad."

"The innovative work done by the scientist Professor Xu Mo in the field of brain science has therefore become the most popular candidate for the award."

"However, according to relevant sources, the selection criteria for

this year's awards have changed compared with previous years, and it is not ruled out that there will be more powerful competitors."

"The Kolavo Prize official also announced just now. Because of the big differences within the jury, the winner list will be postponed to the afternoon..."

I slid the screen, frowning tighter and tighter. Because I was so focused, I didn't even notice that someone was coming towards me.

??: Why are you still watching these news?

Xu Mo said that he put the blanket in his hand on my lap, and his eyes scanned my phone screen.

Xu Mo: A certain someone invited and told me to take vacation and relax....

Xu Mo: But from the way here to now, you have always stared at your phone from time to time.

He paused, with a little dissatisfaction and grievance in his tone.

Xu Mo: Is Professor Xu in this news more attractive to you than Professor Xu in front of you?

I was stunned for a moment and hurriedly turned off the news interface.

MC: Of course not! I just saw this news and clicked in.

MC: And... I mainly watch the weather forecast.

My eyes wide open, try to make your words more convincing.

MC: You see, the snow is so heavy today, the hotel owner also suggested that we can go to the outdoor hot spring again tomorrow.

MC: However, according to the weather forecast, the snow will decrease later. So maybe there is still a chance!

Xu Mo pondered for a moment, laughed faintly, and nodded.

Xu Mo: Well, it seems I misunderstood. It turns out that you have fully considered it

MC: Of course. It is rare that we all have vacation, but I am looking forward to this trip.

This is indeed the truth.

Lately, Xu Mo and I were so busy that we sometimes didn't even have time to have a meal together.

So this time I chose a hot spring hotel specially, just want to stay in the room with him and spend this time peacefully.

I raised my head, took Xu Mo's hand, and shook it lightly.

MC: You have been busy with scientific research some time ago, and you didn't have much time to rest.

MC: Leave the travel arrangements to me this time, you just need to relax and enjoy.

Xu Mo: Alright.

Xu Mo curled his lips slightly. The thin sunlight from outside the house fell on him, coating him with a soft light.

Xu Mo: Then... I'll leave it to you?

MC: Hm! Leave it to me.

I glanced at the time on my phone, my heart moved, and then I gathered my mind and raised my head and said to Xu Mo.

MC: Now that the luggage has been put away, go and change your clothes!

Xu Mo nodded and walked towards the door. I took the opportunity to secretly pick up the phone, intending to continue reading the news that I just turned off.

Xu Mo: By the way, there is one more thing.

MC: Wh- What?

Unexpectedly, Xu Mo suddenly turned around, and I quickly hid the phone behind me with a guilty conscience.

Xu Mo's eyes flicked back and forth between the phone and me. He seemed to have something to say, but he just chuckled.

Xu Mo: Nothing, just want to tell you...

Xu Mo: This trip with you, I also look forward to it very much.

While Xu Mo was changing clothes, I quietly walked outside the door. As I planned, a waiter came here on time with a rectangular wooden box.

Waiter: Miss MC, the lady boss asked me to give you this. Please keep it.

Waiter: As for the other item you ordered, because it needs to be made right now, the snow is too big for the driver to drive down the mountain to get it. Please forgive me.

MC: It’s okay, you've work hard, so please tell my thanks to the boss.

I took the wooden box in her hand and returned to the room, with a burst of complicated emotions in my heart.

This is a gift I prepared before I set off. Originally, I had calculated the time and planned to give Xu Mo a surprise when the results of the Kolavo Prize came out.

But I did not expect that due to changes in the selection criteria, the announcement of the award list was delayed, which disrupted my original plan.

I looked at the wooden box in my hand, and a result I had rarely imagined before popped up in my head, just in case...

The heart sank little by little. It seems that it is still unknown whether this celebration can be conveyed to him...

Xu Mo: What are you thinking?

I followed the sound and felt a little startled.

Xu Mo was wearing a dark yukata with a large collarbone exposed under the loose collar.

He relaxed, leaning against the door frame, and he looked a little more casual and relax.

His eyes fell on the wooden box in my hand, showing some curiosity.

Xu Mo: What is this?

MC: Well, this is...

Just as I was thinking about how to explain to him, a ringtone interrupted our conversation.

Xu Mo: ....Yes?

Xu Mo: ....Hello?

Xu Mo's tone was light, but his expression was a little more serious. The news that I just saw on my phone flashed in my mind, I couldn't help feeling a burst of tension in my heart.

Xu Mo: I'm sorry, I'm on vacation, I'm afraid I don't have time for this.

Xu Mo: Next time you have the opportunity to cooperate again.

After he said this lightly, he hung up the phone. I was caught off guard by the crisp and clean action.

Perhaps seeing me looking at him in confusion, Xu Mo said first without waiting for me to speak.

Xu Mo: It's the call from Huanqiu Weekly.

I opened my eyes slightly.

Huanqiu Weekly is an established weekly magazine in China. It mainly reports on international issues and major events. All have great influence within the scope.

MC: Do they want to cooperate with you?

Xu Mo: Well, they want to give me an interview.

MC: Really?! Isn't that great!

Hearing news that I was not worried about, I couldn't help but let go, and placed the wooden box on the closet next to it.

MC: Such an influential weekly magazine, if you accept their invitation, you can let more people know about your research results.

Xu Mo was stunned for a moment, and the corners of his lips curled upwards.

Xu Mo: Why do you want more people to know?

MC: Because...maybe for many people, your scientific research results are just a bunch of technical terms that seem very obscure.

MC: But I know, a lot of your hard work has been condensed behind it.

MC: Even with the aura of a "genius scientist" above your head, your effort and persistence are no less than anyone else.

As I spoke, the moments that I had experienced with him flashed in my mind.

He will put the experimental reports that have spent months of energy into the shredder one by one just because of a certain data error;

Because I finally got the desired result, I was so happy that I could not hide it, and even some childishly suggested that I wanted to go to a movie with him to celebrate.

I smiled at Xu Mo and said to him in a joking tone.

MC: So, I want to be rewarded for your efforts. This is probably my selfish intention.

Xu Mo looked at me quietly, and a certain soft emotion melted in his eyes bit by bit. After a while, he suddenly chuckled helplessly.

Xu Mo: Silly.

He stretched out his hand and took me into his arms.

Xu Mo: I declined the invitation.

MC: Huh? Why?

Xu Mo did not answer, but chuckled lightly.

Xu Mo: Do you want to know what my selfishness is?

Xu Mo: Although you always tease me about my time and energy as if I can't use it up, in fact they are also limited.

Xu Mo: I have to stay and spend them on the person who are most important to me.

He paused, rubbing the top of my hair with his chin.

Xu Mo: This is our vacation, of course I just want to share it with you.

My heart seemed to be hit by something. Feeling his familiar body temperature, I only feel that the slightest warmth suddenly enters my heart.

I couldn't help but put my hand around Xu Mo's back, eagerly trying to get closer to him and let this moment stay longer.

MC: Yes, me too.

Looking across the wooden box on the cabinet, I closed my eyes and gradually made a decision in my heart.

  🍁

MC: Xu Mo, the belt of your yukata seems a little loose

I saw that Xu Mo had a loose belt around his waist, so I subconsciously reached out to help him tidy it.

MC: This seems doesn’t work...

MC: Let me tie a knot for you again!

After speaking, I undid Xu Mo's belt again, planning to tie it again.

Xu Mo: It seems that you are already very skilled.

Xu Mo's voice with a smile rang in my ears.

I raised my head and met his gaze. Only then did I realize how close we are now.

MC: W-well, when the waiter helped me wear it, I learned a little bit from her.

MC: Moreover, the way that girls wear yukata is more complicated than the boys.

MC: So it's not very difficult to tie your belt.

I lowered my head, trying to hide my blushing cheeks.

Xu Mo: It turned out to be so.

Xu Mo nodded, then opened his arms and let me put his cloth.

Although I tried my best to concentrate on the movements in my hands, the sniffles on my neck still made me a little distracted.

The delicate atmosphere filled us, I pursed my lips, and when I was about to say something, Xu Mo spoke first.

Xu Mo: I didn't notice just now that there are still a few lines written on the hanging paintings here.

MC: Eh?

I looked up and followed his gaze to the wall behind me, where there were traditional paintings one by one.

The red leaves all over the sky fell on the clear spring water, like flames burning in clusters, smeared with warmth and warmth.

I didn't pay much attention when I entered the room before, but now I look closer and realize that there are still words written on it.

Just when I was about to identify it carefully, Xu Mo had already read it out softly.

Xu Mo: " The long-lasting God is acting on behalf you, and I never heard of it"

(“悠悠神代事,黯黯不曾闻” Yōuyōu shéndài shì, àn àn bùcéng wén)

Xu Mo: " The maple dyed the Long Tian River, gurgling and flowing deep"

(“枫染龙田川,潺潺流水深 ” fēng rǎn lóng tiánchuān, chánchán liúshuǐ shēn)

Notes: I put the original sentence of the poem, afraid that there’s mistranslation since I’m not familiar with it.

MC: I seem to have read these sentences before...

MC: It seems to come from a very famous love song?

I turned my face and looked at Xu Mo with a questioning look. He nodded lightly.

Xu Mo: Well, it is indeed a very emotional sentence.

Xu Mo: I think it is probably because Valentine's Day is approaching. In order to set off the atmosphere, the proprietress of the hotel arranged such a hanging picture in the room.

Xu Mo: And look at the writing above, it should have been added not long ago.

Hearing Xu Mo's explanation, I looked at the hanging painting again.

MC: I didn’t expect the proprietress of this hotel to be so careful, I thought it was just a landscape painting.

MC: It turns out that there is such a “careful” chance hidden.

I tried to felt the emotions contained in the lines. This painting, which was originally used for decoration, seems to have a deeper meaning because of this poem.

Just as my attention was all attracted by the hanging paintings, Xu Mo's voice suddenly rang in my ears.

Xu Mo: Although the painting is really beautiful

Xu Mo: But, have you forgotten something?

His gaze fell on the belt in my hand, and I followed along and realized that I was still finishing Xu Mo's yukata.

His yukata was hanging loosely on his body at this time, and it was even more exposed. The low neckline is wider, and the skin is exposed.

The heat on my face couldn't help but rise a little more.

MC: .. I will continue!

After finally suppressing the fast heartbeat and refastening Xu Mo's belt, I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief.

I raised my hand to help him straighten the low neckline, but found that this yukata was actually designed like this.

MC: Is this, this neckline originally opened so wide?

Hearing my visibly smaller voice, Xu Mo first glanced at his clothes, then a clear smile spread across his mouth.

Xu Mo: Well, that's it when I put it on.

Xu Mo: Moreover, as far as I know, the men's yukatas offered by this store are all of this style.

MC: Strange, I saw that the model wears on the official website before...

MC: Is this also what "Valentine's Day Special Offer"?

In order to cover up my inner fluctuations, I deliberately said in a ridiculous tone, and Xu Mo also chuckled cooperatively.

Xu Mo: Well, it is possible.

He blinked, as if thinking of something, then bent down and leaned in my ear and said softly.

Xu Mo: I guess..

Xu Mo: This is probably, a little bit “careful”.

🍁

On the tatami, Xu Mo and I are sitting opposite each other.

He took the sake out of the wooden box, opened the cork, and slowly poured it into a special vessel.

Xu Mo: No wonder today I saw you and the hotel owner whispered a few secretly...

Xu Mo: Why do you suddenly want to give me a gift?

My heart moved slightly, but on the surface, I still took the stubbornly.

MC: It's not a sudden intention, this is part of the arrangement of this vacation.

MC: Take it as a reward for Professor Xu who worked hard this year!

Wanting to get around this topic as soon as possible, I pointed to the Sake bottle and looked at him invitingly.

MC: I heard that this brand of sake is well-known locally.

MC: I was worried that it was too popular, but I asked the proprietress to order it from the Sake store half a month in advance!

A smile filled Xu Mo's narrow eyes.

Xu Mo: In order to live up to your intentions, I have to taste it.

After speaking, he picked up the Sake glass and took a sip.

MC: How?

Xu Mo: It has a slight sweet taste and is delicious.

MC: That's good! A drink in the snow can warm your body.

Suddenly, my mind flashed through the scenes of Xu Mo drinking before and couldn't help but add.

And its degree is not high. You can rest assured that you won't get drunk if you drink in moderation.

Xu Mo raised his eyebrows.

Xu Mo: It seems that I have been underestimated.

He seemed to inadvertently pour some more Sake into the glass, and then drank the whole glass leisurely.

Xu Mo: I have been tried sake before, but I was not drunk.

MC: I remember I heard you mentioned it on the phone.

Hearing him mention it again, a sense of curiosity arose in my heart.

In my impression, Xu Mo almost never drinks alcohol, but prefers tea.

MC: Why did you suddenly want to drink?

Xu Mo: Well... let me think about it.

Xu Mo put down his Sake glass, propped his head with one hand, and looked up at the red leaves in the courtyard behind me.

Xu Mo: It was when I was studying. In order to celebrate the project with the classmates.

MC: Huh?

Xu Mo: Feeling surprised?

Xu Mo's eyes overlapped with me for a moment, and then he continued.

Xu Mo: At that time, I cooperated with my classmates on a very challenging scientific research project. After about a year and a half of research, I finally got the ideal result.

Perhaps thinking of the scene at that time, Xu Mo sighed softly.

Xu Mo: They were so happy that they had to take me to the tavern to celebrate...

Xu Mo said helplessly, but the corners of his mouth curled up unconsciously.

I rarely seem to see him celebrating his achievements, and the temporarily suppressed thought in my heart is revivedㅡ

I also want to accompany him to celebrate and witness the moment when his efforts bear fruit.

Chaotic emotions spread across my chest: anticipation, tension, and a little anxiety...

Xu Mo: Wandering again.

Xu Mo tapped my forehead. I recovered, and smiled apologetically at Xu Mo.

He narrowed his eyes slightly, and after looking at me for a while, he suddenly spoke.

Xu Mo: I suddenly remembered that they also taught me a game at that time.

MC: What game?

Xu Mo: I will show it to you.

I watched with interest as Xu Mo picked up an empty cup and put it upside down on the table.

Xu Mo: The game is very simple. We take turns to pat this cup or choose to take it away.

Xu Mo: If the cup is taken away, the other person will make a fist and knock on the table. Knock on the cup or shoot on the table is a loss.

MC: This game seems to test the reaction ability...

Seeing me as if I don’t understand, Xu Mo smiled.

Xu Mo: Well, but it is not difficult. You should have learned it after we played a game.

Xu Mo: Want to try it?

MC: Yes!

I eagerly nodded my head. Xu Mo's eyes turned, and a meaningful smile appeared on his lips.

MC: ....

MC: This unscientific!

I took another sip of Sake in frustration. Facts have proved that the so-called "not difficult" of this game may only be aimed at Xu Mo.

In addition to testing his reaction ability, during the game, he always seems to know what I am going to do next, and foresee every movement of me in advance...

MC: You are almost like "mind reading"...

Faced my complaint, Xu Mo just smiled slightly

Xu Mo: Maybe it's just because I know you too well.

Xu Mo: So sometimes, your every move seems not to hard to guess .

He didn't seem to realize how blushing his words were, so I had to mutter quietly.

MC: This is too unfair...

Xu Mo: Well, you also try to focus all your attention on me, how about it?

MC: Huh?

Xu Mo dragged his face with his hands, tilted his head and looked at me.

Xu Mo: Perhaps this strategy will be more effective.

The heartbeat speeded up uncontrollably, and for a while, I couldn't tell whether he was teasing me or was serious.

But facing the current one-sided game situation, for the slight possibility of a comeback, I decided to try.

The new round soon began. I followed Xu Mo's words and stared at him intensively, hoping to see a trace of flaws in him.

And Xu Mo's mouth always had a slight smile, as if he was in a good mood.

It was my turn to take the cup. I noticed that Xu Mo's brows suddenly wrinkled. With a movement in my heart, I decided to change my tactics and took the cup away.

MC: ...!!

Xu Mo: I lost.

Xu Mo looked at our folded hands on the cup and sighed slightly

Xu Mo: It seems that I was too careless...

Xu Mo: This strategy should not be told to you lightly.

His voice showed faint grievances and regrets, and then he took the Sake and drank it in one go.

MC: Is it really so works?

I was a little dazed by the sudden victory.

Although I'm not sure if there is a reason for luck, I just raised my lips and jumped for joy when I finally caught this flawless person.

Next, the entire game seemed to be exceptionally smooth to me. I didn't expect that one day I could win Xu Mo so many times, and the smile on my face got bigger and bigger.

Until Xu Mo was fined another glass of Sake, looking at his reddish ears and the corners of his mouth, I suddenly noticed something.

I put away my smile and walked up to him, acting as if I was asking my sins.

MC: I almost fell for some big liar again!

Xu Mo's eyes moved slightly, and then he stretched out his hand towards me.

Xu Mo: What's wrong?

He looked at me and blinked a bit innocently.

Xu Mo: Why are you so angry? Did I do something wrong?

I laughed angrily by the way he knew it, and couldn't help squeezing his hand.

MC: Are you letting me win again?

Xu Mo did not answer immediately, but gently hooked my finger, and then wrapped it into his palm.

Xu Mo: Who said I let you?

Xu Mo: I am willing to lose to you.

He stretched out his hand, scraped the tip of my nose, and a smile burst out from the corner of his mouth.

Xu Mo: Finally I can see you smile without burden.

MC: Huh?

Xu Mo: From morning on, you look worried.

Xu Mo: Although I plan to not ask too much before you tell me. But I thought about it, it’s not easy to keep you in my heart

Xu Mo: I guess the thing that bothers you should have something to do with me, right

He thought a little bit.

Xu Mo: Was it the news you saw this morning?

Seeing Xu Mo's determined expression and thinking about his behavior just now, I suddenly understood something in my heart.

MC: So you proposed to play games with me, also to relax me?

MC: I can't hide anything from you

Xu Mo chuckled lightly, wrapped my hand into his palm, and deliberately asked in a joking tone.

Xu Mo: Tell me about it, how did the "Professor Xu" on the news bother you?

I was amused by him. Seeing that what was hidden in my heart had been exposed, I simply decided to confess.

MC: Actually... This bottle of sake was originally a gift to celebrate your prize. But I did not expect that the award list would be postponed.

MC: Although I still want to celebrate with you, but if the result is not good, I worry about you will be disappointed.

MC: So it has not been said.

After saying this, I took a long breath and felt that it was a lot easier.

MC: But now I also think that compared to these, we should cherish our time together more.

In order to show my determination, I picked up the phone on the table and turned it off without hesitation.

MC: Now I can't get distracted!

Xu Mo's eyes flickered, and then he turned off the phone just like me. He put his arms around my waist and raised his head slightly.

Xu Mo: Then we can say that, from now on, don't let anyone bothering us.

Xu Mo: Nobody can.

Seeing him add another sentence seriously, I couldn't help laughing.

MC: However, it is indeed my fault that I was always distracted before. Next, we can make up for this time.

Xu Mo: Hm? How do you plan to make up?

I looked outside and raised my eyebrows at him.

MC: Didn't you notice? The snow outside is getting smaller.

Xu Mo was a little puzzled, but he reacted quickly, and the corners of his lips curled up in a beautiful arc.

Outside the house, the original heavy snow in the sky turned into fragments of snowflakesㅡ

It fell lightly in the hot spring that was continuously rising, and melted silently.

After eating, Xu Mo and I were walking on the stone road in the courtyard. We could hear the gurgling water in our ears.

MC: It seems that the weather forecast is right, the snow is really much smaller.

Xu Mo: Hmm, but are you drunk? Actually, we can come later.

MC: Don't worry, I am fully awake.

MC: And I checked it online before, and two hours after a meal is the best time to soak in the hot spring!

Xu Mo just wanted to say something, but suddenly stopped. He stared at the hot spring pool in front of him, and his eyes flashed with surprise.

I followed his gaze to the open-air hot spring in front, and my eyes widened.

MC: This is...

I was surprised to find that there is no barrier between this private hot spring surrounded by stones.

  🍁

MC: Strange, I clearly remember that the pictures I saw on the website before were separated by wooden boards.

I looked at the hot spring pool, my ears were getting hot. Thinking of two people in the same hot spring, I can't help but feel a subtle sense of tension.

Just when I was about to say something to break the awkward atmosphere, Xu Mo's voice suddenly sounded.

Xu Mo: .. I'd better go back to the room first.

Xu Mo: I'll come back when you finish.

MC: Hm?

I subconsciously raised my head. Xu Mo still had a gentle expression, but his eyes did not look at me.

Is it...

Am I the not only one who is nervous?

Looking at the steaming hot spring, I involuntarily swallowed my saliva, emboldening myself in my heart.

MC: Now that you have changed your clothes... let's go together.

In the hot spring pool, Xu Mo was sitting opposite me, the water just covered our chests

Xu Mo: Does the water feel hot?

I looked up, my eyes swam disobediently from his bare chest to the collarbone, Adam's apple and thin lips, and then I didn't dare to go up again.

MC: No, just right.

I shook my head, suppressed the excessively fast heartbeat, and sat down a little bit, submerged my shoulders in the warm water, and couldn't help but sigh.

The snowflakes fell on the face one by one, bringing icy coldness sense of touch, but the body and mind are steaming hot, and finally melts in the heat.

Xu Mo flicked his hand across the hot spring, and there was a sporadic sound of water. He closed his eyes, raised his head and leaned against the rock wall.

Xu Mo: I suddenly remembered that the last time we took a hot spring, it was the same as today with snow in the sky.

MC: Well, I remember too.

There was a movement in my heart, and I couldn't help but remember the time when I wished Xu Mo's birthday a warm feeling came from the bottom of my heart.

MC: It seems that many of my good memories about the snowy days are spent with you.

Xu Mo slowly opened his eyes, and there was also a layer of chlorinated water vapor on his eyes, and the curvature of the corners of his lips seemed clear and moving.

Xu Mo: For me, it's not just the snow.

The gurgling water and his voice merged together, and fell into my ears through the mist.

Under Xu Mo's gentle gaze, it seems that the distant memories in my mind are being warmed up little by little.

Perhaps he had been watching for too long, and my throat was a little dry. My gaze fell to the side of the tray floating on the water, which was filled with wagashi and hot tea.

Wagashi are traditional Japanese confections that are often served with green tea, especially the types made of mochi, anko and fruits.

I picked up the teacup and took a drink. Obviously it's not alcohol, but it makes me feel a little drunk.

I patted my slightly hot face, trying to stretch my body, but my foot inadvertently touched Xu Mo's leg.

Xu Mo: ....

MC: .....

The breath and heartbeat went wild in an instant. In the pool water, it seems that every part of the body has become more sensitive.

I subconsciously looked at Xu Mo, his eyes flickered, and then faintly looked away, and picked up another teacup on the tray.

Xu Mo: The tea smell is very strong.

MC: Hm..

MC: This opportunities are rare. Why don't we "replace Sake with tea" and clink a glass?

As soon as I finished speaking, I bit my tongue viciously for the proposal I blurted out.

Xu Mo's hand holding the teacup seemed to shake. He looked at my red cheeks curiously and chuckled uncontrollably.

Xu Mo: Well, it's a good proposal, but...

Xu Mo: Clinking glasses is usually for celebration. What are we going to celebrate now?

I was asked all of a sudden. While thinking, an idea flashes over my mind.

MC: To celebrate...

Xu Mo: If you say anything like "Celebrate your winning in advance", I will be a little disappointed.

MC: Ha..

This person definitely has mind-reading skills!

I looked at Xu Mo's smiling eyes through the white mist, and my lips curled up.

The fine snow slowly fell, and the water in the pool was clear, but not as bright as his eyes. I suddenly felt everything in front of me, something unreal like a dream.

Such a good person is now opposite me, right in front of my eyes, drinking a tea with me and sharing the same snowy color.

Until I saw Xu Mo's eyes clearly reflecting my figure. I suddenly felt that this moment has already surpassed everything.

So I said almost subconsciously.

MC: Then celebrate the moment we have.

Under the misty surface of xenon hydrogen, the skin we touched lightly rubbed inadvertently.

The clear touch brought up bursts of electric current, causing ripples in my heart. I no longer stagger my eyes as before, but quietly stare at Xu Mo in front of me.

His Adam's apple slid, and a white warm mist made his dark eyes sparkle with water.

I suddenly had an illusion, as if Xu Mo could look straight into my heart through the hazy mist.

After a while, he chuckled lightly.

Xu Mo: Is it just for now?

MC: What?

Xu Mo didn't answer, but suddenly got up and leaned toward me. The chest that had been submerged was also exposed at this time.

The warm and slightly hot from hot springs steamed his skin a little red, and the water rippled and then fell again.

I touched the ground with my feet a little nervously, but a little unstable due to the buoyancy of the water, Xu Mo held my waist with one hand in time.

I raised my head and slowly looked at the line of Xu Mo's jaw, my fingertips sinking into the tight muscles behind his shoulders.

His hand slid across my back, tightening me up a little bit, and I unconsciously put my hand on his shoulder and against his chest.

MC: Xu Mo..

The light lines of the water wave healed our chest and back. Xu Mo lowered his head, his lips were close to my ears, his voice was stained with a low voice.

Xu Mo: What I want to say is, not just celebrating this moment. But...

Xu Mo: For every moment we have.

There seemed to be a touch of nothing on the earlobe, as if clusters of flames were lit from there.

The tea cups collided with a crisp sound.

Xu Mo took a sip of tea, pinched my chin and pressed it down

Seeing his face getting closer and closer, I can no longer care about the others, I can only instinctively close my eyes

Feel the numb touch on the lips, and the sweet tea fragrance reverberating in the mouth.

🍁

With a splash of water, Xu Mo got up and walked out of the hot spring pool.

Xu Mo: During the meal, our clothes were left out and dampened by the snow. I will go back to the room to get the clothes we changed in the morning.

MC: Wait, I'll go with you.

After I finished speaking, I stood up, Xu Mo stood there, his eyes stopped slightly when he looked at me.

I followed his eyes and looked down, the wet towels were tight clings to my body, clearly outlines the lines, dripping continuously.

A cold wind blew, and I seemed to have noticed something, so I hurriedly sat back.

MC: So cold...

Xu Mo laughed lightly, then nodded.

Xu Mo: Well, it will be a little cold if you just walk back.

Xu Mo: So, wait for me here, okay?

I touched my slightly hot cheek, smiled and nodded at him.

MC: Alright  

When Xu Mo returned with the clothes, I was eating the wagashi on the tray. He couldn't help but smile when he saw me.

Xu Mo: Are you hungry?

MC: A little. You see, these fruits are so delicate.

I pushed the tray towards him, Xu Mo squatted down and looked carefully.

Xu Mo: Well, indeed.

Xu Mo: I once heard a very skilled master say that wagashi can express anything, whether it is natural or human.

MC: Really?

Hearing his words, I put my arm on the rock beside the pool and curiously observed the wagashi in the plate.

MC: This is a special wagashi for Valentine's Day. I don't know if there is anything special.

Xu Mo: I think there should be.

Xu Mo also leaned down slightly and observed with me.

Xu Mo: Maybe we can guess by using our imagination?

He smiled and twisted one of the wagashi.

It looks relatively ordinary among the different shapes of fruits. The round shape is like a small steamed bun, but on the top. Covered with a circle of yellow marks.

Xu Mo: The surface of this fruit should be deliberately roasted to brown

After watching it for a while, Xu Mo handed it to me.

Xu Mo: Did you think of something?

MC: Hmm.. the yellow circle.

MC: Like a full moon?

I raised my eyes to look at Xu Mo, and he curled his mouth slightly, motioning me to continue.

As if being woken up, I looked at this seemingly inconspicuous wagashi, and seemed to understand the intention of the person who made it.

MC: The moon is a very important image in love and can be used to express many kinds of emotions...

MC: So it seems that this fruit really fits the theme of Valentine's Day.

Xu Mo: Have a taste?

Looking at Xu Mo's eyebrows, my heart moved slightly, so I leaned over and bit the fruit in his hand.

The sweetness melted in my mouth, and I was pleasantly surprised to see the red fillings of the wagashi under the white skin.

MC: It's red bean paste...

There seemed to be a trace of surprise in Xu Mo's eyes. After a while, he nodded thoughtfully.

Xu Mo: Specially choose red as the filling...

Xu Mo: Probably because the person who created it wanted to express the sincere emotions between lovers.

MC: It turns out that wagashi can really express people's feelings...

Seeing such an emotional Japanese fruit, a burst of soft emotions creeping in my heart, I subconsciously asked Xu Mo.

MC: You have a bite too?

As soon as I finished speaking, I suddenly remembered something, so I immediately changed my words.

MC: But you don’t like sweets so much, so it’s mine!

I stretched out my hand to take the wagashi from his hand, but Xu Mo suddenly pulled his hand

MC: Uh?

Seeing my puzzlement, he chuckled lightly.

Xu Mo: I really don't like sweets very much.

Xu Mo: However, I still want to taste such beautiful food.

MC: But...

Before I finished speaking, I saw Xu Mo's face enlarged before my eyes.

He put his hand behind my head and leaned down. In the blink of an eye, there was a warmth on the lips.

The scorching breath fell on the face, itching and numb, dispelling the coolness in the air.

The thick snow on the edge of the pool turned into melted water droplets and fell into the water, arousing small splashes.

After a long while, Xu Mo released his hand behind my head, with a slight smile on his mouth.

Xu Mo: Well, it's sweeter than expected.

🍁

After soaking in the hot springs, Xu Mo and I walked slowly back to the room. As soon as we opened the door, we stopped in unison.

A fancy "citation cake" was placed in the center of the table.

Under the two big letters "Certificate" written with red chocolate, there are also dark chocolates with a row of small letters one by one.

"Best Scientist Award".

Xu Mo raised his eyebrows and glanced at me leisurely. I coughed slightly awkwardly.

MC: Ahem. If I said that the waiter sent the wrong room, would you believe it?

At this time, the door was pushed open again, and the waiter put two knives and forks on the side of the tray.

Waiter: Miss MC, you are back, is the hot spring still comfortable?

Waiter: This is the special cake you ordered. Because the snow was a little smaller, the driver was asked to go down the mountain to retrieve it. Please enjoy.

The waiter cast a "won't disturb you" look, then bowed and walked out. After a short silence, I heard a chuckle.

MC: Well. This is actually another gift I originally prepared to celebrate your winning.

MC: I always feel that at this time of celebration, we still have to eat cakes to have more atmosphere.

MC: Although the appearance is a bit exaggerate, the taste should be good.

Xu Mo chuckled and nodded.

Xu Mo: Well, I believe this cake must be delicious. and.….

Xu Mo: I am also sure that you really care about this.

He paused for a while, then took out his mobile phone leisurely and turned it on.

Xu Mo: Since you want to know so much, let's watch it together.

MC: What?

Xu Mo: Don’t you really want to know the results of the awards? I remember the news you saw in the morning saying that the announcement should be postponed to the afternoon.

Xu Mo: The time should be right now.

MC: But...

Seeing his calm movements, my eyes widened, but I looked more nervous than him.

Xu Mo: If you don't let you know now, you will keep thinking about it.

As soon as his voice fell, with a few minutes of reminder sound, countless messages flooded into Xu Mo's phone.

Looking at his cell phone that kept vibrating, my heartbeat speeded up. Xu Mo seemed to be a little surprised by it.

Xu Mo: A Ming, sent fifteen text messages and made six calls.

He frowned slightly.

Xu Mo: It seems that I told him to be good at "focusing" things, but he doesn't take it seriously.

MC: ....

MC: I also question the way you "focusing" at this time!

Xu Mo tapped the screen twice until everything was calm again, but there was no expression on his face.

MC: How?

I looked at him with anticipation and ambition.

After a moment of silence, Xu Mo suddenly leaned over to me, buried his head in the socket of my neck, and let out a light sigh.

Xu Mo: ....

My heart jumped suddenly.

MC: No, it doesn't matter...

I just feel my brain is blank, and my words become stumbling.

MC: It may be because the selection criteria have changed this year. They have to take other factors into consideration.

MC: And this is their loss! You are so powerful, they will definitely regret it in the future!

Xu Mo: Is it?

MC: Yes!

I replied categorically, as I was about to continue speaking, but suddenly caught a murmur of laughter, and then I was surprised that something was wrong.

MC: .. Why are you lying again!

I straightened up from Xu Mo's arms at once, but he grabbed my wrist with a smile, and pulled it into his embrace again.

Xu Mo: Where am I lying.

Xu Mo: It seems unfair to say that.

Xu Mo: I didn't seem to say what the result was.

Seeing the successful smile in his eyes, I bit my lip unwillingly. After thinking for a while, I had an idea, pretending to be angrily and got into the blanket beside me.

Although the news of Xu Mo's award made the corners of my mouth almost fly into the sky, I still constricted my smile and adjusted my tone of voice.

MC: I'm so nervous, but you still want to tease me!

MC: Originally, apart from Sake and cake, I also prepared a third gift for you. Now I have to consider it!

The low laughter in the ear was suddenly paused.

I secretly laughed and counted down silently in my heart, 3, 2, 1 until the last number fell, I really felt a pair of hands hugging me from behind.

Xu Mo: Sorry, because you looked so cute just now, I couldn't help but want to tease you.

Xu Mo: So, can you tell me what the gift is now?

Xu Mo waited for a while, but when he saw that I still didn't answer, he suddenly coughed.

Xu Mo: (cough)

Xu Mo: It seems to have been outside for too long and some have caught a cold

I listened to Xu Mo's deliberate coughing. I was startled first, and then laughed uncontrollably. I didn't expect him to think of such a childish way.

Hear my laugh, Xu Mo also laughed.

The arms around my waist tightened a bit, and when he spoke again, his tone became more serious.

Xu Mo: MC.

Xu Mo: Actually, I don't value this award that much.

My heart beats, this is the first time I heard him say that

Xu Mo: Because all the things I wanted to obtain were obtained the moment the research results were published, or even earlier.

Xu Mo: Any praise from the outside world, to me, is nothing but brocade icing on.

His voice paused, as if thinking of something, and then he smiled softly.

Xu Mo: However, everything you did for me today, I am very happy

Xu Mo: Whether it is a gift to me or your sincere words to me, I really feel how important I am in your heart.

Xu Mo rubbed my forehead with his chin across the blanket

Xu Mo: I feel happy, nervous, or even sad from the bottom of my heart

Xu Mo: Probably there is only you silly girl.

The soft words fell in my heart, and there was a drop of water.

Xu Mo: I think the reason why I always can't help teasing you, maybe it's just because I want to see you more and show off because of me.

Xu Mo: In a certain way, I can also be regarded as a special "collector".

Xu Mo: No matter what kind of meal it is, I want to have it.

Xu Mo: With that said, can you forgive me?

The delicate tenderness was sewn on him slightly, I still did not answer, but responded to him with action.

I lifted the blanket and kissed Xu Mo's face with his surprised eyes.

I ran my fingers across his fine hair and stopped on his face. Then I pulled him tightly and tightly toward me.

Heavy breathing sounded in the room, as if confused, I kissed his cheek closely and pressed against his auricle.

MC: I am not angry, you are a fool..

I followed his ear bones all the way down, and after hearing a short gasp, I turned to a thin rub.

I don't know how long it took. When I met Xu Mo's eyes awkwardly, I later realized that I was extremely ashamed of my bold actions, and subconsciously shrank back.

But Xu Mo did not allow me to retreat. He put his hands on my waist together a few inches, pressed them to my forehead, and looked at me deeply with his eyes.

Xu Mo: Is this the third gift?

The thin, hot breath entangled, I panted lightly and shook my head.

MC: ....It is a promise.

I calmed down my breath and slowly said the words that had been brewing in my heart for a long time.

MC: I want to wait for the results to come out, whether you win or not, I will tell youㅡ

MC: In the future, I will stay with you and spend every memorable moment with you.

MC: Remember the flower with crystals you gave me?

MC: I think the same as you, every moment we walked together is very precious to me

MC: Although I can't make such a romantic gift like you, I can only express it in ordinary sounds.

MC: But this is my truest thought.

The evening wind slowly passed by, and behind Xu Mo, the sky full of red leaves fell. I felt in a daze that we at this moment are closer than ever.

Xu Mo lowered his eyes, looked straight at me for a moment, and laughed a little.

Xu Mo: MC's ability to talk about love is really getting better.

My cheeks suddenly became red when I met the narrow gaze in his eyes.

MC: I'm just talking to my heart!

Xu Mo: Yes, I know.

Xu Mo: I don't think what you said is ordinary. On the contrary, it means a lot to me.

Xu Mo: However, although I received such a beautiful promise, I thought about it for a while-

Xu Mo: When you say this, aren't you also sorting me out?

MC: !... I

Seeing that I was speechless for a while, Xu Mo smiled, his eyes moved down, and landed on my slightly opened lips. The emotion in the deep eyes is unclear.

Xu Mo: Sometimes actions are more explicit than words.

He raised his hand and squatted down my lips with his fingers,

Xu Mo: The sincerity contained in the promise, maybe in another way... can make me feel more directly.

He whispered, and suddenly raised his eyes to look at me, dark light circling in his eyes.

Xu Mo: Are you willing to?

The heat surged to my cheeks, and my mind was chaotic. In the next second, Xu Mo clasped my wrist tightly and pressed me on the tatami.

MC: Wh-

The soft tip of the tongue pried my teeth away inch by inch, and grinds together delicately and long. It seems to wear out all the heat and lingering.

While my consciousness was cloudy, I tasted the faint fragrance of tea that still remained in his mouth, but it was like a very high alcohol wine, which made me feel drunk.

His head raised passively. Xu Mo squinted his eyes slightly, and gradually reduced his strength by pressing my hand.

His fingers rubbed the skin on the side of my wrist gently and slowly, letting my body gradually relax

The surrounding temperature rose sharply, and I instinctively caught his neck and responded to his tossing and turning.

Just when I felt a little dizzy, Xu Mo let go of me, a familiar chuckle sounded in my ears.

Seeing that I was a little weak, Xu Mo held my waist and let me sit on him.

I rested on his strong abs with one hand, and grasped his messy clothes with the other weakly.

MC: Xu Mo....

I lowered my head and saw what seemed to be suppressed in his gloomy eyes, so I subconsciously leaned down and pecked his chin.

Xu Mo: ....

The light and shadow in Xu Mo's eyes flickered, his eyes darkened.

Before I could react, his hand that was touching my hair suddenly pulled me towards him and kissed me again.

Unlike before, this kiss was overwhelmingly aggressive.

The tingling sensation of the intertwined lips and teeth ran through my body like an electric current, and the blood seemed to boil.

With warmth in Xu Mo's palm, he shook all the way down my spine.

His senses and thoughts were all occupied by him, and in a trance, I felt the kiss gradually slip and strengthen.

There was a slight tingling pain from my collarbone, and I couldn't help but exhale softly, and there was a warm and humid touch.

A layer of fine sweat oozes out on the tightly adhering skin, giving it an intimate and sticky feeling. I inserted my hand into Xu Mo's sweat-drenched hair and looked down at him.

He closed his eyes, his concentrated face was stained with the color of red leaves.

His sight seemed to be burned to the point of nowhere to rest.

Perhaps because of my tension, Xu Mo's lips bend slightly. He lifted his palm up to cover my eyes.

Xu Mo: Close your eyes .

Extremely strong, but with extreme gentleness.

I slowly closed my eyes and surrendered myself to him. The last image remaining on the retina is Xu Mo deep eyes.

And a brilliant red.

🍁 🍁 🍁 END  🍁 🍁 🍁

I’m sorry if there’s some mistranslation. Kindly tell me if you found some :) thank you for read it~ ^^

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Family Secrets (Demetri Volturi x Reader)

WARNING: Dark themes mentioned!

For as long as you could remember, your mother was always a rigid woman. She was constantly tense. You used to believe it was because she worked so much to keep the two of you going but after some time, you had to wonder if it was just a personality trait. She didn't have friends, or people she considered friends specifically. Her focus was always on you, the house and her job. Your mother said she didn't have any family but you. She was disowned by her parents and had one sibling that also cast her out. She never told you why. She never told you anything about her life before you. Eventually you stopped asking because she wouldn't entertain the question and instead got more agitated with the more curious you had become as you grew up. 

The next common topic was your father, someone you wondered about since your earlier school days. You noticed the kids in your class with their parents. Mum's, dad's, mums and dads, two mum's and two dad's. All had more information about their family than you did. Your mother also didn't talk about your father. You knew you had one but your mum hadn't been in contact with him since she was pregnant with you. She gave no reason why, nor did she give any clue about who he was. He didn't matter, she had told you and that was the end if it.  However being the child you were, that only raised more questions. 

Things boiled over a few months, living most of your childhood in the dark about your family. The questions bouncing around in your head. That was until you discovered some old photos in your mother's room. 

You were almost taken aback, there were two pictures of your mother both in different angles. She wore a sundress and sun hat, her head tilted back mid laugh, looking at something out of frame. Behind her, out of focus was what looked like a large dark brown door. To the left a red smudge that could only be described as a person and many other smudges in the background. After a moment you recognised those smudges to be people, simply out of focus like the rest of the background. You couldn't help but stare at her brilliant smile. Your mother had always been a pretty woman but she never smiled as wide as she had in this picture. Not that you could remember anyway. The woman was younger, identical yet completely different in nature. The mother you knew was very reserved, never having a smile that showed her teeth and practically lived in business suits with heels. Even a small smile from her had to be earned with good reason. You felt a pang in your chest, knowing that this version of your mother was long gone. Even more so, this was the person she wanted to hide you from so much. The other photograph had a what simply looked to be the wall of what you could only assume was the same building and people passing by in the background. Suddenly the photographs were ripped from your hands. You let out a startled cry as your mother looked at you with a fury you had never seen before. "I raised you better than to go through people's belongings!" She snapped. "But I-" You quickly discovered there was no room for excuses. "Go to your room!" You couldn't understand what made her so angry about those photographs but you didn't dare argue, the subject immediately dropped the next day. 

It wasn't long until there was bigger worries. It started off with small but odd symptoms. Until they became so frequent that they couldn't be ignored. A doctor's appointment turned into many. The doctors appointments moved to hospital appointments and that was when everything went very wrong. 

Your mother's illness was very aggressive so much so you had been forced to face the fact that you thought she'd be around for many decades yet, you woke up one morning to the fact that she only had months left. She eventually stopped working and had a couple of appointments with lawyers. It didn't take long for you to figure out why such meetings were happening. It became clear that any well moment she had, she was tying up loose ends. The house would be taken care of, as well as her burial, her money going to you in inheritance.  However there was one thing that you refused to think about and she struggled to bring up. An even further harsh reality that not everything could be fixed. You were still young. Whilst late teens, you were still regarded a child. You had no other family to live with or contact, it was more than likely that you'd be put into the foster system for at least a year and then be left to figure it out on your own. Secretly you couldn't help but feel anger towards your mother for that. This is what happens! You would think to yourself internally. This is what happens when kids don't have family! 

As time went on, hospital appointments became admissions. That was when you had to start packing some things for her and that was when you found even more things. Your brow furrowed to find some old letters, they weren’t recent. You could tell by their condition but they weren’t dated. You quickly skimmed the letter, this was someone your mother was romantically involved with. That was clear but who it was from wasn’t so clear. There had been no mention of you and the more you read the more apparent it became that this letter as well as the others were older than you. All were written and initialed by the same person. ‘D.V.’ 

You didn’t know anyone by those initials and to your recollection, neither did your mother. Or at least that’s what you thought. It made you wonder if you knew your mother at all. You kept your discovery a secret. You didn’t even know what you were looking at after all, some of the writing, you couldn't understand. This person’s handwriting was elegant and neat and in complete cursive. You’d have to sit down properly and read them to try and understand what had been written. 

After a couple of nights studying these letters you found nothing. They weren’t important, love letters that provided no context. Your thoughts drifted to your mother. She was weaker now, curled up in her hospital bed in Forks. Although she was just as grim as always.You wondered if you should tell her what you discovered, be honest about your discovery. You pictured her in the same spot you left her on that bed, night fall outside with blue-ish lights in various sections of the room. She preferred to be alone and luckily she was given her own room. Although you wondered if it wasn’t so much lucky as it was a favour for other patients. People who were dying weren’t usually in wards, they were in private rooms. Dying peacefully and out of sight for some dignity. It was hard to picture that she could be one of those people, but it was a reality you had to face. Even if with everyday, you waited to hear from doctors when she got to go home. However, all they ever told you in gracious terms was that those chances got slimmer each passing day. You imagined a doctor entering with a warm smile, a smile beyond his years as well as his wisdom.  “You’re working the night shift tonight?” Your mother would ask him.  “Yes, Ms (L/N).” The doctor would nod, his appearance and his voice being something of an angel. “I’m here to check up on you. How are you feeling today?”  “Like a useless bag of bones,” Your mother would mutter. “useless.”  "You are most certainly not useless." The doctor would smile with sad eyes yet a twinkle would still resonate, as though he knew this to be fact. "You're a mother after all." She nodded. "They won't need me anymore. They're grown up."  "My wife likes to believe our children, no matter how old, will always be children." Your mothers mouth twisted. "She is correct, Doctor. We would do anything for our children." She seemed distracted almost immediately. “Would you turn on the TV?” 

You blinked, shaking the thought away before checking your watch. Ten o’clock. You called it a night, watching a movie before bed. The next you, you began your routine, getting ready, making sure the house was in order before finally collecting some things to leave for the hospital. The place almost becoming a second home. 

As you arrived, you found your mother reading a book, noting it to be one of her favourites. She enjoyed books about travelling to far away places, even a few romances about someone meeting the love of their life in a foreign place. She looked up at you, marking her page before placing it at her bedside.  “Hello, did you sleep well?” She asked.  “Hey.” You smiled at her. “Yeah, I didn’t seem to notice the silence as much this time.” You struggled to feel completely comfortable in that house. You hadn’t wanted to leave your previous house and so moving to your current one left you with a sour expression and a nasty attitude. You had always told yourself you moved for her, rather than because you didn’t have a choice. Although you hadn’t realised that mindset would backfire. The house didn’t feel like home and now that your mother had been in hospital for some time, you felt that you were intruding.  “That’s good.” She nodded, looking a little more peaceful. “Very good.”  “Can I ask you something?” You asked hesitantly and she hummed in confirmation as you took a seat at her bedside. “When I was packing you another bag the another night, I found some old letters.” Her brow furrowed slightly. “They were rather personal.” You added. “Signed by a ‘D.V.’? Your mother sighed with a frustrated eye roll. ”I...who is that?” You asked.  “No one worth while. Back then when I knew that person, I was young and stupid.”  “So why do you still have them?”  “I don’t know!” She snapped. “They aren’t important!” 

A knock at the door interrupted your conversation. You were startled to see who had walked in the door. A man with blonde slicked back hair, pale skin and gold eyes entered. You must have seen him passing by before as it was the same doctor you had imagined as a scenario in your head last night. You couldn’t help but look mildly confused.  “Ms (L/N).” The doctor nodded to your mother.  “Dr Cullen.” She greeted him in response. Your eyes shifted between him and your mother in confusion.  “This is (Y/N).” Your mother nodded at you.  “Ah, hello there (Y/N). I haven’t seen you since you were a baby, forgive me for not recognising you.” Dr Cullen smiled, reaching out his hand for a handshake. You reciprocated the motion. “Please, call me Carlisle.”  “Nice to meet you.” You said quietly, unable to shake off his statement. He had said that he hadn’t seen you since you were a baby but he looked younger than your mother and barely ten years older than yourself. Whilst it was possible mathematically, you couldn’t help but find something a little off about it. Then again it would have made sense that he was a kid at the time. With that, you shrugged it off.  “I’m taking over your mothers case.”  “Oh, okay.” You nodded. “Is that allowed? If, uh, you know-”  “(Y/N), Carlisle is an old friend who I havent seen in years. There is no rule against him treating me. The circumstances call for it.” Your mother said slightly exasperated. That last line stuck with you.  “What circumstances exactly?”  “I’m more ideal for your mothers case.” Carlisle said quickly. “It’s more of my field that the previous doctor, especially with your mothers condition.”  “Oh...okay.” You nodded. ”Tell me, have the two of you discussed (Y/N)’s next steps after all of this?” Carlisle took out a pen and began rummaging into a locked cabinet behind him. He pulled out a folder with your mothers name on it.  “Not exactly.” Your mother answered. Carlisle looked over at her. “Well, have you given much thought of where you’d want them to be?”  “I have given it a lot of thought, but I don’t have much options.”  “Well is there a relative (Y/N) could stay with or you’d consider?”  “It’s just us.” You said quietly, your eyes flickering to Carlisle.  “I don’t want them put in the system but i’m not in contact with my family. I don’t have friends that I could ever ask such a thing as to take guardianship of my child.” Your mother sighed. Carlisle paused before looking over at your mother. “Would it be possible to get back in touch with these relatives?” Your mother stiffened before shaking her head with a clenched jaw. “No. I cut all contact. I’d rather it was that way.” You noticed the look your mother and Carlisle gave each other, almost like a silent conversation. Or more so a one-sided argument if you knew your mother. Carlisle trying to get through to your mother whilst your mother stubbornly refused with a sour expression.  “Well, i’d have to begin the paperwork on (Y/N)’s situation for social services immediately.” Carlisle looked almost saddened and your mother shifted in discomfort.  “(Y/N), would you bring me some tea?” Your mother asked and you slowly nodded, before digging into your bag for some money. 

After you had left, your mother spoke up breaking the silence. “They don’t know Carlisle.”  “I understand but they will need to know.”  “How would I tell them?” She snapped. “Vampires were the monsters under their bed for so long, friends with the boogeyman and werewolves. You expect me to tell them they’re half vampire and who their father is?”  “He could take care of them.” Carlisle said quietly.  “You don’t know that. That place isn’t a place to raise anyone! They’re strangers!”  “I can give you my word that they’ll always have a home with me.” Carlisle assured her.  “Whilst I live and breathe, (Y/N) will never know.” Your mother insisted.

Weeks passed and eventually so did your mother. You felt lost. Still without answers and now with nowhere to go. You couldn't help but wonder what would happen to you now. Your mother never told you. After that day, your mother assured you that you wouldn't have to worry about it. She had taken care of it. You just had to trust her. 

Carlisle had been around almost everyday since you had first met and even his wife Esme wanted to meet you when she discovered you were in the hospital visiting your mother. Esme greeted your mother like an old friend a warm smile graving her perfect features. She was clearly very caring and nurturing. Your mother seemed to appreciate that and hesitantly welcomed it. That was very out of character for your mother...at least in your eyes. You had a lot of questions when you discovered that no longer would you be going into the system. Somehow Carlisle and his wife arranged for you to be staying with them. At some point your mother had agreed to this. However, you couldn't figure out how they had done so. They weren't adopting you. That much you gathered but once again you were only left with more questions. 

The Cullen's were a strange bunch. All had gold eyes, which you weren't sure was even probable to be adopting so many kids who had matching bizarre eye colours. All but one. A girl called Renesmee, 'Nessie' for short. You couldn't help but stifle a laugh and she too seemed to get amusement out of it. She looked to be the same age as you. Then it got confusing. One of the kids, Bella, married into the family and had a biological child with Edward, who was Nessie. Yet all looked to be in their late teens, barely two years older than you and Nessie.  Another being, Emmett spoke about your mother as if he too also knew her a long time ago. The family as a whole didn't make sense yet none were willing to clear anything up for you. Somehow they were more secretive than your mother had ever been. However, they did an excellent job at keeping you calm about it. 

Carlisle took some time off from the hospital to help you settle in. He understood this was a big jump for you and a very difficult time. Carlisle had been the most familiar part of your day and he wanted to be there just as he had been prior to your mother's passing. You decided to give Carlisle some peace in his office. 

You moved to the kitchen to see Esme chopping vegetables. She looked up with a bright warm smile. "Hello, (Y/N)." "Hi, Esme." You returned her smile somewhat shyly. "What are you making?" "Renesmee is craving some vegetable soup. I'm thinking it's the time of year." Esme responded, her smile never faltering. If anyone appreciated your efforts, it was Esme. She had immediately wanted to reassure you when you had first come to stay with them. Her words stuck with you. "I know it was just you and your mother before. Living with such a large family must be very different. We'll do our best to make sure you're comfortable here. You're a part of the family now." 

Ever since you had tried to be a part of the family, rather than the outsider- as much as you wanted to hide away in your room that you had to share with Renesmee. Esme was the first to notice and she was more than encouraging. She noted the tiny details such as you no longer lingering in the kitchen doorway and now willing to approach her, just as you did to get a closer look at the pot.  "It is getting colder." You nodded. "It could be the change of weather." "I agree." Esme responded. "Would you like to help?" You thought about it. "I don't know if I can be much help." You said meekly. "I, uh, wasn't allowed near knives a lot of the time with my mum." 

You expected Esme to be confused but instead a flash of recognition rushed over her face before her usual smile. "Well, they are dangerous." Esme responded. "Here. I'll show you." "Really?" Your eyes lit up. Your mother never had time for things like this so to have Esme offer was a surprise. "Of course!" She stepped to the side, gesturing for you to stand beside her as she reached for another knife. "I'll get you to cut these." Esme put some newly washed leeks on the chopping board in front of you. You picked up the knife and Esme immediately advised you. "Put this hand on the leeks but tuck your fingers in like this, it's safer." You copied her. "Like this?" "Yes." She praised. "You hold the knife like this." She showed you where she positioned her fingers around the knifes handle. You followed suit. "That's it." You couldn't help but smile as you cut into the leek. "Well done! Those are excellent size of pieces too." Esme praised with a small grin, like a proud mother. 

You and Esme kept conversation going. Suddenly you squeaked, the knife dropping onto the cutting board with a clatter. You immediately covered your thumb. Esme however remained calm, even offering a comforting smile. "Not to worry, it doesn't look too bad." You put your bleeding thumb to your mouth before recoiling sharply. Your mother's scolding returning to your mind. Her eyes always widened before she'd swat your hand away from your mouth, demanding you didn't do it. She never told you why she was to against you doing it. She did it herself. All she would say is that it's disgusting. Esme, on the other hand, said nothing about it simply taking your hand and leading you to the sink to run it under some cold water. "It was bound to happen." She said simply. "Renesmee has done it plenty of times. She can be as clumsy as her mother used to be at times." "Someone can stop being clumsy?" You looked over at Esme who seemed to ponder the question. "Hm, perhaps that's poor phrasing. Bella still has her stumbles ever now and then but back when we first met her...?" Esme trailed off, giggling. "Bella fell many times. She got a paper cut from a birthday gift from Alice, you know." "Really?" You cracked an amused smile. Esme nodded. "Yes. Cut it on the corner of her gift, the wrapping paper no less." Esme chuckled to herself. "It drove Edward wild." She continued. "He was always so worried about her. Even now, he'll still forget how capable she is." "Never underestimate a woman." You smirked and Esme grinned. "Indeed." "Was it just paranoia or did he have reason to be worried?" Esme's smile faltered, as though remembering something bad. "Sometimes he had reason..." Her smile returned quickly. "Although mostly he was worrying over nothing." She said almost as though assuring you.  However, your mind latched to her hesitation. "I'm sorry, I ask a lot of questions. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories." You apologised. "Never be afraid to ask questions in this house. It's a good thing. You're clever. I know you have a lot of questions." You said nothing as she continued. "I can't give you all the answers right now but I promise you will get them." "Can I ask some right now?" "I'll do my best to answer them." She nodded. "How did you know my mum and how did you know me? She never mentioned you." Esme pondered the question. "I can tell you how we met you?" Esme offered and you nodded frantically. "Although I can't go into every detail. Just know you'll know soon enough." You nodded in response.. "We met your mother when she was young, before she had you and she loved to travel. She had begun to see the magnificent things about the world and was eager for more. After a year, she returned one night at our doorstep. She was scared and had a baby in her arms. We helped her get back on her feet but by the time you were weeks old she insisted that she could do things on her own and since then she had moved around. Carlisle took her case, recognising her name.” "Do you know who my dad is?" You asked hurriedly and Esme stiffened. "Yes. Your mother told us that night. We know him but not on a personal level.” You wanted to know more but before you could ask, Esme put a hand on top of yours. "That's all I can tell you, right now but you will know everything soon. If you want to." 

Renesmee flopped onto her bed with a huff mumbling into the covers about being tired. "You and me both." You stretched. It had been two days since you had last slept. You had always struggled with sleeping every night and no amount of doctors appointments seemed to help. Your mother eventually gave in, assuring you it was fine and perhaps you were just different that way. However she made you promise you'd keep that to herself. That was until you started living with the Cullen's however. You noticed that the Cullen's seemed to be the same and even more so, Renesmee also only slept a couple days at a time. The two of you bonded over that. 

"Sometimes I just feel like I'm different from everyone else." You had once told her. "We are." She responded brightly. "We're rare." "What?" You laughed. "How do you know!?" "I just do!" She grinned. "Oh Renesmee..." You sighed after your laughter died down. "You talk so much crap sometimes." Her laughter roared back to life and she pushed you. You nearly fell off her bed in the process only making the two of you laugh harder. "You are though." Renesmee said finally, rolling into her side to face you. "You just don't know it yet." You sighed. "I mean it." She insisted. "You and I are more alike than you think. We're rare. You'll see." She rolled back onto her back, a moment of silence filling the room. "We're so cool." She finished and you scoffed with a giggle. 

 A few days later, you were with Carlisle in his office. You asked if you could sit with him, enjoying the peace. Somehow by design, the office was away from the house. You found that most weren't built that way. Carlisle agreed and you watched as he wrote in the same cursive writing that those letters had before. You thought about your time with the Cullen's. In the strangest way, they had their oddities and secrets. The secrets you had grown accustomed to thanks to your mother but the oddities bugged you. You never saw them eat, they'd leave every week for one night leaving only you and Renesmee. They never went to bed before you and we're always awake before you. They grew worried about the sunlight on the days it threatened to break through the grey clouds. Their eyes changed colour. Something about them free you closer and that tempted you to tell a secret you had never told anyone. 

"Carlisle, can I talk to you about something?" You asked your eyes peeling away from his writing and rising to his face. He paused, looking up at you. "Of course. Is something wrong?" "No, I- uh... I've never told anyone this, not even my mum. I feel like I can trust you with this and that you won't think i’m...weird." You admitted. Carlisle smiled at you. "I'm good with 'weird' individuals. You tend to find that they're truly magnificent. Go ahead." You shifted in your seat. "I don't know if it's some dumb teenage thing but...I think I'm different from other kids my age." "In what way?" Carlisle asked seemingly intrigued, putting down his pen and resting his head on his hand. "I dunno, I just the feeling...it was little things." "It's alright." Carlisle reassured you. "I'm here to help." You leaned forward slightly. "So, when I was little, I fell off a balcony. Fourteen foot drop and I felt the pain, tried to get up but my left leg gave out on me. I remember my mother screaming that I had broken my leg. She took me to a hospital, by the time I arrived, I felt better. My X-rays came back saying I was absolutely fine. I thought I had super powers, I fixed my broken leg. After that my mother insisted to the doctor's she never said a 'fourteen foot drop'. She said I fell at a 'four feet drop'. She took me there because of how awkwardly I landed and was concerned about my leg." Slowly you shook your head. "I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember perfectly what she said and I remember where I fell. It was fourteen feet. " You took a breath. "I remember every birthday, every Christmas and every miniscule minute in between." You continued. "I don't sleep every night. I don't get tired like everyone else. I always heard things others couldn't." You swallowed, leaning back in your chair. "My mother lied to so many people about events in my life and I don't understand why. Most of all, I don't understand why I feel so different from others. Like an imposter but even I don't know what lies underneath." 

You looked at your lap momentarily before lifting your gaze to examine Carlisle's expression. He didn't look appalled or uncomfortable, in fact he looked exactly the opposite. Perhaps he heard this sort of thing every day. "Am I crazy?" You asked lightly. Carlisle shook his head. "No, not at all. As a matter of fact, I believe you're very intelligent. You pick up smaller details that others don't. You're seeing the pieces of a puzzle and are trying to out them together. However, you haven't seen the full picture. So how can you really know what you're looking at?" Carlisle continued. "I can help you. I can answer all of these questions but once I do, your life will be changed forever. It can't be ignored and whatever you wish to do with the information I give you. I want to support you with. Are you prepared for that?" You nodded. 

Carlisle moved to a sofa and gestured for you to sit beside him. "This is a long story and I need to keep an open mind and listen to all of it first." You nodded. "We knew your mother through a group of individuals. She had just finished her studies and was travelling the world with her friends. She wanted to go everywhere and anywhere. She was young and wanted to see everything, now that she was free from responsibilities. She went to Volterra, Italy." You remembered the photographs you saw of her smiling, looking at something out of frame, mid laugh. "They wanted to see the castle there." Carlisle quickly dug out a box and inside were the same pictures you had discovered. He had stored them away for you, no questions asked. He pointed to one. "This is the fountain outside of the castle and in the background you can see blurred figures. Cameras weren't the best back then but this is a line of tourists to go and see inside the castle. He pointed to a particular red blur. "It is beyond likely that we know who this is. A woman named Heidi. She's a part of a group called the Volturi." You soon noticed he had photos that you hadn't seen before. The third was one that was definitely of the same day and time. Another angle, minutes before or after the previous two. However, the tourist line was more clearer behind your mother in this shot. This 'Heidi' was in a red tight dress with high heels and her brown curled hair framed her perfect face. Your eyes narrowed, noticing that this 'Heidi' was looking directly at your mother. "Heidi offered your mother and her friends a tour, free of charge." Your mother never took free samples, she would always pull you away, looking unnerved by anyone who offered anything free. Carlisle sighed, as though struggling to find the right words. "Your mother's life changed that day. She, like, many other humans never believed in monsters but she learned they can be very real and they aren't under the bed. The group, as I mentioned, are known as the Volturi. They're almost royalty in our kind...the vampire world." Your eyes narrowed. "Let me finish. It sounds bizarre right now but you need to hear everything to understand." Carlisle reminded you and you nodded, pushing back your building questions. "Those tours are organised for that group to feed upon humans and that day, your mother was the only one who survived. She had watched her friends and strangers from all walks of life be murdered. She was given a choice, she could live and do what was asked of her with no questions, or she could die with the others. She was young and would have done anything to live, like everyone else and so she agreed. Your mother met a man named Demetri. He too was a part of the Volturi- a vampire. Your mother was very drawn to him and the two of them spend more time together." Carlisle tilted his head. "They were in love." "D.V..." you whispered under your breath, remembering the letters. Carlisle nodded. "An old friend of mine, Aro, is the leader of the Volturi. One of three. He took interest in my grand daughter after she was born." Your face scrunched up in disgust and Carlisle chuckled. "Not like that. You'll understand, you're doing well." Carlisle continued. "He wanted to learn more about what she is but due to our history with the Volturi, we'd never allow him near her. Renesmee was a child, not an experiment. So he wanted one to study. Demetri was selected to help create one...and Demetri chose your mother. Which is why she lived." You trembled slightly but continued to listen which Carlisle seemed to appreciate. "Your mother didn't know Aro's plan and had grown very attached to Demetri, soon enough she was pregnant. By then, she found out her purpose. She didn't want her child to be studied, no matter what it originated from. So when she gave birth, it was a miracle she survived. Whether it was preparation or luck, no one knew. She took the baby and fled. By then Aro had grown bored of the idea and didn't come after her. Neither did Demetri. Months had passed and she was on my doorstep holding a baby and begging for my help. The rest you know." Carlisle took your hands in his. "Renesmee was born to Bella and Edward. She is half human and half vampire. Bella gave birth to her whilst still human and my family and I are all vampires. We don't feed on humans, we've never condoned it. That's not our way of life. We feed on animals, 'vegetarians' if you will. We don't sleep, every week we leave you and Renesmee to hunt. Renesmee was the first hybrid the Volturi had ever seen and Aro wanted to know more about how similar they are to vampires. I think you know where I'm going with this."  "We're rare, you and I!" You remembered Renesmee words from that night. "The baby..." You mumbled and Carlisle nodded giving your hands a light squeeze. "You did have super powers that fixed your legs. Vampire venom is quick to heal injuries. Injuries you and Renesmee are more susceptible to be because you are still half human. You moved constantly because you aren't entirely human. However there has been many differences with hybrids. Another Hybrid Nahuel was fully matured after seven years since birth. Renesmee grew very fast, and at this rate will be fully matured in a matter of months. She's taken a little longer than Nahuel. You however, have taken even longer than her. Her growth is double yours." Carlisle looked at your expression. "You were three years old but had the intelligence of a five year old. You've been moved schools and home so many times as to avoid suspicion, never staying long enough for anyone to notice why you suddenly looked to be eight within a matter of a year. These things aren't patterns. Renesmee showed me that. Sometimes your growth will be very fast and other times it'll be slower. Vampires don't age and can only die by fire. Your mother told me before she passed that she was worried you had already stopped aging. It's possible and you need to know that." "What?" You managed out quietly. "Think about it, (Y/N). It's been three years and you look exactly the same." Carlisle answered. You were taken aback that your mother had mentioned that to Carlisle. "You don't feel right around the other children because you aren't like other children." "Why would my mother hide this from me?" You asked finally. "I think she wanted to give you something that in the end, you can't have. A normal human life. She wanted that for you but...your biology, could never allow that. Do you understand?"  You remembered all the times your mother would look alarmed and swat your hand away from any paper cuts and you must have had said it out loud because Carlisle answered you. "I think she was worried you'd enjoy blood. I can't say I agreed with her methods, (Y/N). Suppressing instincts is never good for someone. However she didn't want you to have anything other than normality. I think it's important that you know that nothing your mother did, keeping this from you, would hurt you. You can survive on blood just as you can on human food but she couldn't account for the aging. I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. However, in the end...she didn't want you to be alone." 

You took a week to process what you had been told. Everything had changed just as predicted. Yet in the same way, it didn't seem to change your feelings for the Cullen's- only reinforce them. 

Finally, you approached Carlisle again. "Can you tell me more? About the Volturi? About the vampire world?" "I can, but might I ask why?" Carlisle answered.  "...do you think I could contact him? My dad?" You didn't realise how big an ask that was until Carlisle talk you through with it. Although he reminded you of his promise. He'd support you with anything you wanted to do with the information he gave you. If you wanted to contact Demetri, then he'd help you do that. 

Within five days, the Cullen's had a visitor. You opened the door to see a boy with shockingly red eyes, dark hair and wearing all black. Around his neck was a good crest, with rubies and in the shape of a 'V'. His eyes stared into yours with an empty gaze, he said nothing. "Hi?" You furrowed your brow, slightly unsettled before Carlisle stepped around you. "Ah, Alec. It's good to see you again. Please, come in." "Carlisle." 'Alec' nodded to Carlisle before stepping inside. You blinked and Alec suddenly sniffed once. "Smells like the other one." He said quietly and walked away from you. You looked to Carlisle sharply in alarm but his look told you not to worry about it. "(Y/N), this is Alec. He's one of the Volturi guards." Carlisle said, putting a hand on your back and guiding you to follow Alec into the living room. "Alec, this is (Y/N). Who you've been expecting to meet." You inhaled sharply as Alec was in front of your face in seconds. Whilst the Cullen's were wary of scaring you, their speed was limited around you. However, Alec didn't seem to care if he scared you or not. 

"You're age development is rather confusing." Alec most certainly didn't talk like others his age. Dared you say it, he was even worse than you. He'd stick out like a beacon. "Last I saw you, you were only a baby. A newborn." Alec said mostly to himself. "You aren't the first to say that." You replied. His eyes moved to yours with a piercing gaze. "So if you're Alec then you're not-" "Your father?" Alec interrupted and tilted his head and a small but very condescending smirk. "No." 

After a moment of silence Alec turned to you. "I've to meet you and then report back to Aro. That's all you need to know." Alec said flatly. Without warning, Alec grabbed your jaw within one hand, tilting your head to the side. "Hearing?" "Slightly higher than human range." Carlisle responded as you blinked. "Sight?" Alec asked. "Above human range." Carlisle responded again. "Smell?" "Human range." "Strength?" Alec enquired. "Above human range but no where as good as a vampire." Carlisle answered. "Speed?" "Above human...we learned that recently." Carlisle looked at you. 

You immediately remembered the time Emmett was chasing you. Your mother never allowed you to fun as fast as you could. The punishment was strict. However since her passing and staying with the Cullen's, you had began to relax and allow yourself to do those things, with the encouragement of the Cullen's. "Diet?" "Human food. We haven't introduced them to a blood diet yet." You shivered at the thought but couldn't help the creeping curiosity. Perhaps that was the vampire in you. "Intelligence?" Alec asked. "Highly." Carlisle smiled at you like a proud parent would. Alec seemed to catch this and stifled the urge to roll his eyes. "Behaviour?" "Well behaved." Carlisle said instantly. "Are they able to control themselves? Emotionally and such?"  "Yes." Carlisle responded. "How much do they know of our kind?" "They're learning." Carlisle retorted. "I see." Alec hummed. "Any gifts?" He asked after a moment of silence. Carlisle shook his head "None we've been made aware of." Alec nodded, seemingly satisfied. "I'll report this back to Aro. We'll be in touch." 

"(Y/N)?" Carlisle peeked into your room with a smile. "I thought you'd like to know the Volturi have contacted us. They'd like to meet you. Demetri included, of course." Your heart pounded. "My dad...wants to meet me?" Carlisle nodded with a warm smile. "It's your decision, if you so wish it. They're more than happy to accommodate you. Demetri is eager to see you again and they're pleased with the information we gave. We'd have to give them a some time to prepare for you. They're awaiting your response." Renesmee grinned at you in glee. You slowly nodded. "Yeah, I'd like to meet them."  Carlisle nodded. "Not a problem, I'll arrange the details with Aro." Just like that, Carlisle turned away. You turned to Renesmee, mostly in shock. She smiled brightly at you. "This is great!" 

Two weeks later, you landed in Italy. Taking a plane yourself was a new experience but your nerves were too busy with the prospect of meeting your father. Outside the airport you were met by Alec, this time with a blonde girl. "Hey Alec." You said and Alec nodded at you. "Hello again, (Y/N). This is my sister, Jane." He gestured to the blonde girl. Both wore stoic expressions that were horrifying. Their hoods were up. Instead of a cloak, they each wore hoodies and their hands were stuffed into the pockets, not a single bit of skin exposed. "Nice to meet you." You said to Jane. "Likewise." She said quietly, with an innocent tone. However their bright red eyes said otherwise. "This way." The two turned towards a black car. "Afton is driving us. He isn't one for conversation, don't take it personally if he ignores you." Alec turned to you. You nodded. "Got it." You paused. "My stuff?" "We've already got it." Alec responded. "We can't afford delay." You nodded. "Thanks." 

A man with black hair rose to a stand with a gasp and a grin of glee. "Ah! You must be our dear (Y/N)! My, how you've grown!" He hurried down the steps are towards you briskly as Alec and his sister moved to stand at the corner of the room. "Finally, I get to put a face to all the wonderful things I've heard about you." He reached out for you and by instinct you took his hand. You though he was going for a handshake but instead he turned your hand, encasing it within his own, his other moving to trap your hand in place as he hunched over slightly. He looked down at your hands before looking up to meet your eyes. "My name is Aro." So this was Aro. One of the three leaders of the Volturi and an old friend of Carlisle's. If anything he was the boss of the whole Volturi coven and guard. "Brothers! Come and see our little hybrid! They won't remember us!" The blonde and dark haired man who remained on their thrones stood up and walked towards you, although much slower and slightly less enthusiastic. All the while you really hoped that nickname wouldn't stick. 

"The resemblance of Demetri...it's quite surprising." Aro said to himself in awe. "Perhaps the vampires have the dominant gene." The blonde responded, sparing Aro a glance who dropped your hand as to watch the exchange. "My name is Caius." The blonde began. "Our sincerest apologies if this is uncomfortable. For us, it has been a blink of an eye. You were only a baby at the time we last saw you." "You were the last of us to hold them, brother!" Aro spoke up. "Indeed." The blonde agreed. 

You were surprised to hear the leaders had held you. With Caius' piercing stare, you were surprised you didn't have nightmare for the rest of your life. "Last but not least, this is Marcus!" Aro grinned gesturing to the dark haired man beside him. "It's a joy to see you again, little one. You have our condolences about your mother." Marcus' voice was move gravely, ad though he hadn't spoken for a while. A pang hit your chest and you nodded. "Thank you. It's a pleasure to meet you all." "There will be plenty of time for questions and answers. However I do believe there is a more pressing matter." Aro smiled knowingly. "Indeed." Caius raised an eyebrow. "Jane! Send for Demetri! He has been waiting so long!" Aro announced. "Yes, master." Jane nodded before she was gone in a flash. 

You knew it was him as soon as he entered. His eyes locked on you instantly as he froze. You heard yourself exhale, silence filling the room, only the sound of your breathing. Although you were sure everyone else could hear your racing heartbeat. The blonde stranger slowly moved towards you. Almost as though frightened every step he took would cause you to shatter before him. His eyes were a dark red, wide and unblinking. As though he didn't dare. For you, this was the first meeting but for him...it had been years and each one seemed to pain him. The blonde before you was clearly emotional just by the sight of you. Just as he was a few feet away from you, he spoke. It was almost a whisper. You almost didn't catch it. “Il mio bambino...” You had no clue what that meant but you couldn't find the ability to ask. You couldn't find the ability to speak at all, a lump in your throat. Emotions arose within Demetri quickly. This time, his words louder and directed towards you. "I thought I'd never hear your heartbeat ever again." You looked down at your chest before looking back at up at him. Demetri's hands moved to cover his mouth. "Oh that wonderful sound." You were taken aback at how attached he had been to the sound of your heartbeat. Your heart ached for him. So you did what you thought unthinkable. You moved forward and closed the space, wrapping your arms around him into a hug. He gasped in surprise, uncertain what to do at first. You felt tears build up in your eyes. "I found you." You whispered, mostly to yourself. "Yes, you did." You felt his arms wind around you, holding you to him. “Il mio bambino...” He said again. You held him tighter as you felt a tear run down your face. 

From that moment on, Demetri wanted to know every little thing about you. No detail was dismissed. You realised during that time that Demetri had never heard you talk so naturally he’d want to listen to you talk about anything. He was eager to know every tiny little detail and spent hours finding out, with a sudden interest in everything you had ever done.Although some details about how you lived saddened him, he never explained why. You had speculations why. Your mother spent your whole childhood trying to suppress any part of him within you. 

Whilst caught in a daydream, you felt a hand ruffle your hair. You jumped in surprise looking behind you to see a very amused Felix. "Look sharp, little one. The world is a hungry place.” Demetri rolled his eyes. “Not in here, they couldn’t be safer.” Felix raised an eyebrow. “Even with Alec sitting across from them?” You scoffed, standing up and grabbing your now empty glass. “Yeah, okay.” You said unconvinced. After pouring yourself another glass of water, you turned and reeled back. A black mist, like an tendril hovering inches from your face.  “Alec.” Demetri narrowed his eyes in warning. Alec retracted his mist with a cold expression.  “See?” Felix pursed his lips. "He...he wouldn't." You said shakily. Alec turned his head from his seat, his red eyes boring into yours. "Go on, underestimate me. Entertain me." Your eyes widened in fear. His face was void of emotion but his stare was piercing. Your eyes fell to the floor, visibly backing down from him. "Next time I won't be so forgiving." Alec said coldly. 

Suddenly a hand slammed against the table before Alec making him look up. Demetri stared down at him coldly with a low growl. "I won't tolerate anyone threatening my child, that includes you, Alec. Warn them if you must but threaten them and then the line will be crossed." "You should teach your child to know better then, shouldn't you?" Alec glared up at Demetri. "They haven't been here long enough to know.. but you have." Demetri leaned forward. "You know I tend to leave you and your sister be. So the least you could do is have some patience for (Y/N). I'd hate for you and I to have a problem, Alec." Alec growled in response but seemed to take in his words, leaning back in his chair. "Fine." He said simply. "I'll do my best to be... accommodating." 

You jumped slightly when Demetri peeked into your room, knocking twice. "Are you busy?" You closed your book with a quick shake of your head and a smile. "What's up?" Demetri paused as if not entirely understanding what you mean but continuing nonetheless. "Felix and I have some jobs to do and I would appreciate your help?" You looked surprised by Demetri's response and he smiled in amusement. "It'll be a test of strength too." "A test?" You asked, moving towards him with intrigue. "You'll see." He smirked. "Alright, let me get my shoes." The curiosity had already consumed you and made you unable to refuse the request. He led you down many sets of stairs and corridors. Finally leading you to a room that looked older and more run down than the rest of the castle. 

Felix grinned at you immediately. "Hey, kiddo!" Felix greeted. "What are we doing in here?" You asked, taking a look around the room. "Well, this room will be redecorated as well as the one next door. We've got to break down all the furniture...and some of these walls." "Alright but...there's no tools here." Felix snorted. "What?" You asked. "You're adorable." Felix smirked in response before pulling out a drawer. Like it was nothing he pulled the backing of the drawer off, tossing it behind him, then the sides and finally ripping off the handle. Your jaw dropped at the sight before you turned to your father. He smiled at you. "Over the past couple of days, ive been noticing that you could be stronger than originally thought. So, let's test that theory." 

The two led you to a coffee table before tipping it. "Try to pull a leg off. It's an old table, so it won't be too complicated. You just have to pull." Demetri crouched down beside you. Hesitantly you wrapped your hand around a table leg and tugged. Nothing. "Come on, you can do better than that kid." Felix grinned, crouching down too. "You're holding back in case you break it." Demetri added. "You want to break it so you don't need to be careful." "Think of something that annoys you, really aggravates you- got it?" Felix asked. You nodded enthusiastically. 

You thought about all the times your mother lectured you for questioning her. The secrets that were life changing that she kept from you. A father you were robbed off. You pulled and with a crack it came off with ease. Your jaw dropped, instinctively waiting for a lecture that never came. "Nice one, kid!" Felix grinned. Demetri smiled at you, ruffling your hair as he, along with Felix stood up. You had never known how much fun destruction could be. You felt a rush run through you, suddenly very eager to do it again. The two vampires smiled as you clearly began to enjoy yourself. You spun driving your fist into some wooden railing above a half wall. All came off with ease and you made a noise of accomplishment before the force of your spin caused you to fall to the floor. Next that was heard as Felix's booming laugh before he punched chunks out of the brick in the wall. As you all continued, you grew more and more surprised that it didn't hurt very much and you didn't even have a scratch on you. 

You were having such a good time you didn't even hear the twins approaching. "Watch and learn, you two." Felix gestured to you. "You're more than able to help after all." Jane huffed. "Why would we ever concern ourselves with such things?" "Entertainment. Again, look at (Y/N)." They did exactly that to see you have the time of your life with Demetri, ripping a cabinet open. 

“Are you guys sure about this?” You asked, looking into the mug. After a moment of silence you quickly apologised. “Sorry! I...I ask a lot of questions.” You said hurriedly. Heidi frowned slightly. “Listen honey, I’m not going to give you trouble because you ask questions. That’s a good thing, take it from me. Actually, i’ll tell you something i’ve lived by all these years, even when i was human. Only ever ask questions. It gets others into trouble. Never give answers. It gets you into trouble." Heidi sent you a reassuring smile. “Now to answer that question. It’s absolutely fine.”  “If we wanted to kill you, there is easier ways.” Alec rolled his eyes. “You need to become accustomed to a blood diet. We can’t always give you a  regular human diet.” 

Slowly, you put the mug to your lips, taking a reluctant sip. Your first instinct was to pull back sharply, your brain reminding you profusely that it was blood in a mug. Although you weren’t repulsed.  “It should be an easier compromise for you that it’s warmed up.” Heidi smiled. “It was a blood bag but introducing you to blood and it’s cold...is a little cruel. Especially since we don’t drink it cold.” There was a slight gleam in her eye. You took another, longer sip.  “It doesn’t taste bad.” You sounded slightly surprised.  “Of course not, you’re half vampire.” Alec said. 

Once you had finished it, Alec held his hand out. “Took you long enough.”  “Alec!” Heidi tutted. Alec scowled at Heidi in response. Suddenly, you had an idea. You didn’t let go as Alec took it from you. Alec sighed, sending you a look of annoyance. "Let go of it. Now." You smiled at him. "You're pushing your luck, little one." Alec warned you with a clenched jaw. "You could easily take it from me." You replied, still holding onto the handle of the mug. "Does blood just make you more annoying? Hand it over!" Alec snapped. "Again, you've proven many times you could just take it from me." For a moment, Alec's anger was visible and he pulled the mug from you...only to find the mug now in two separate pieces. You still had the handle whilst Alec had the rest of it. Alec sighed, sending you another look of annoyance. "Now we're even for you threatening me, truce?" You asked lightly. Alec's instinct was to yell no, throw you to the ground and break every bone in your body. "Fine." He said through a clenched jaw. 

"Dare I say it..." Felix mused and he and Demetri walked down the corridor. "...I think Alec actually likes them. They test his patience every couple of minutes but I've never seen him be so gentle." Demetri thought for a moment. "Or it could have been my warning." The two cracked a knowing smile at one another, both very aware that the latter just simply wasn't the case. "I have to agree with you friend. I was wary at first but a thought occurred to me." Felix raised an eyebrow at Demetri, pressing for his friend to continue. "Jane and Alec are the same age physically as (Y/N). Perhaps it'd do them good." Felix thought for a moment before agreeing with a nod. "I didn't think of it that way. I suppose it would be the beneficial for the twins. Jane may take some time though." Demetri hummed. "Well we do have lots of it, friend." 

After some time, you began to think about your mother, now that you were experiencing the Volturi first hand, it made you wonder about her. More specifically, her feelings on you. The quiet always did bring nagging and often negative thoughts. Alec noticed almost immediately something was wrong. What made the matter worse was that he actually cared. He hated that but somehow he hated seeing you upset more. Your back was to him yet he knew you were crying. You had curled into yourself slightly and were trying very hard not to let your crying be heard. "Are you alright?" Alec asked quietly, moving to your side but refusing to look at you. You jumped slightly, quickly wiping your eyes. "Yeah!" You said, frantically nodding. "I'm fine." Alec tensely turned his head to look at you. "What's wrong?" Under his stare, one thing was simple. You couldn't lie to him. "I was just thinking about..." You trailed off, finding it difficult to really sum up what you were thinking. “I had so many questions and secrets about my life that I didn't want to notice the differences. I couldn't ignore them when she was gone...my mum.” Alec was quiet as you continued. "I can't help but think...she was scared of me. Or maybe that secretly, deep down she hated me." Alec thought for a moment. "Your mother was annoying." He said simply. Your eyes shifted to his. "I didn't like her. At all. I was very disgruntled to discover she was pregnant. I wanted to discover she wasn't compatible and be killed. Clearly I didn't get my way." Alec cast you a glance, noting your look of horror. "We weren't allowed near you." Alec continued. "When you were born my sister and I were the last people on this earth she'd ever let near you. She was hysterical when you were given to Jane who delivered you to the leaders. I won't lie, I enjoyed the misery it caused her." Alec paused, as though uncomfortable. "However, I think it's quite clear that if your mother ever hated you, she wouldn't have clung to you as she did. She wouldn't have risked her life to take you away. The way I see it is the exact opposite. I think she loved you more than anything in the world. She may have hated herself for that deep down. Some kind of moral dilemma I suppose, wanting to love and protect a child that is half vampire. She experienced our way of life and decided she didn't want it for you. So even if it killed her, she'd make sure she protected you from our world.” "What if she gave me up? Put me up for adoption or abandoned me?" "You'd have been back here immediately." Alec said flatly. "For the purpose of our laws and that Demetri wouldn't have had it. He let you go knowing you'd be with your mother and that this castle, isn't the best for raising a child. So if you had a better life, even if it wasn't with him, he'd make that sacrifice for you. In all honesty though, it was only a matter of time before you were apart of our world anyway. It's half of your DNA, you can't hide that for long." You couldn't help but crack a smile. "No wonder you hate me, you couldn't stand my mother." Alec paused. "i don't hate you." You looked at him in surprise. "I actually like you but you can be so damn annoying." You laughed. 

 "You believe the child is gifted?" Caius said as he turned to Aro. "Indeed." Aro hummed. "It's quite fascinating. Although I cannot be certain." "Do you think it would be useful to us?" Caius pressed and Aro hummed in thought. "Upon occasion." "What might it be?" Marcus asked. "I believe (Y/N) can see what's happening in current times with people they know. I believe I caught a glimpse of it in action. They saw Carlisle before meeting him but didn't understand." "From what you have told us, that seems logical considering they didn't know their true nature." Caius replied and Aro nodded. "Our focus right now is to keep them comfortable whilst transitioning them to a blood diet. Then we will investigate this potential gift." Aro decided. 

You hadn’t been able to find anyone. As it seemed, you found them all in a room. You staggered back in shock. Blood pooled in one side of the room that looked almost identical to the throne room. However this one, wasn’t marble. It was stone, there was a wooden table and wooden chairs and in the middle of the room was a large, bulky grate. You noticed the three leaders were missing, yet the higher guard were not. All of them were present.  “I was looking for you.” You said to Demetri but warily couldn’t take your eyes from the large puddle.  “I see, well allow us to clean this up and i’ll be right with you.” You began to shake slightly remembering that the Volturi didn’t feed from blood bags, not according to Carlisle’s story anyway. As you stood before the grate. You froze.  “(Y/N)?” Demetri called out but you didn’t respond. You looked in horror at the large grate, slightly trembling. Everything in your body told you to look away but you couldn't...and then your eyes focused on a hand. 

You screamed, staggering back in horror. Demetri was quick to catch you in a vice grip. He was talking to you, but you couldn't hear him. Tears falling from your eyes. In that moment, you knew. This is what your mother was trying to protect you from. You remembered Carlisle's story and it disturbed you, making you hysterical. You tried to get out of Demetri's hold but he wouldn't let you. All the while, the story looped in your head. Your mother looked at the same grate. She watched as her friends lifeless bodies were dropped inside. At the end of it all, not only did her friends never come home, neither did she. She could never tell the tale, even though it haunted her everyday. You could feel the fear that she without a doubt felt back then. 

You continued to scream, shaking violently in Demetri's arms. "Demetri, move." Alec said, finally moving forward with his arms out stretched. Demetri stepped back as the mist glided up to you. Your screaming and tears began die down. You began to lean and Demetri was quick to catch you lowering you to the ground. Demetri wiped your tears before looking at Alec who moved in front of you. "You can hear us now, I'll give you the rest of your senses back in a moment. Right now, you need to listen. You're alright. No one is going to hurt you but you need to calm down. I'll give you feeling back in one hand. Move your fingers if you understand." Alec's eyes dropped to your left hand. Your fingers twitched. "Good. Now remember, be calm. Nothing is going to hurt you." You began to blink erratically, swallowing hard. Before your eyes could wander beyond Alec and back to the grate, Demetri turned your head away. "Don't look." You met your father's gaze. Demetri looked heartbroken, apologetic. "I need to be alone right now." You said quietly. 

It felt like you had gotten the best if both worlds. Your mother told you nothing, wanting to protect you. It had seemed wrong at the time but now that you had the alternative, you missed it. Your father was honest with you. Perhaps a little too honest. The truth was no longer a sought ally but instead something you wanted to run from. The truth always seemed like a bright light to you. Now that you knew the truth for what it was. It was dark. 

You didn’t even go to your room, you rushed to the top floor of the castle, a place still and quiet and judging by the layer of dust on everything. It was abandoned, as many old places were. It seemed even areas of the castle weren’t safe from being forgotten by the vampires. You hunched over, swallowing back another wave of tears, trying to focus on the wooden floorboards underneath you. However it was no use, the tears constantly fighting they’re way out.  Suddenly in the corner of your eye, you saw someone. 

You turned to look at them and froze in shock. “Have I finally gone insane?” You trembled slightly, staring unblinkingly at your mother who mirrored your sitting position beside you.  “This place makes people go insane. Believe me.” She glanced around the dark room, only illuminated by moonlight. She noted your tremble and exhaled. “No. You’re afraid and that’s a very sane thing.” “Was this a mistake?” You asked her.  “A mistake? I don’t think so. Beyond the fear, lies the truth. You know everything now, there’s nothing left to protect you from.” Your mother responded.  “But you had reason to.”  “Yes...mine. My reasons. Truth be told, i knew nothing would happen to you here. Demetri loved you more than anything in the world. Protect you maybe, but I knew him well. I knew that me taking you away would be one of the most painful things to him. So I took you. I got my own revenge in the end.”  “Fighting fire with fire?” You whispered.  “It’s what this place drives you to do. Kill or be killed, hunt or be hunted. Adapt...or fall. This place...it saves them you know, it’s their sanctuary.” You turned to look at her and she continued. “None of them would last five minutes out there, they hide because they have to. The witch twins are a prime example. They could never survive modern life. So they hide and mock us for being expendable, never willing to admit the truth that in the end, we’re all leaving them behind. However there is something important in knowing that, (Y/N)- in knowing all of this, knowing why i did what i did.” A tear ran down your face but your mother continued.  “It isn’t your story, it didn't happen to you. They’ve treated you well. You did not live my story and so you won’t hold it against them. I’ve already done that for the both of us.” Your mother said firmly. “Before you died, you were adamant I never discovered any of this.” You began but never continued. Although your mother seemed to catch on. “You know me better than that.” Your mother chastised. “I had to let you go, it wasn’t fair to you. At the very end, I knew i had to let you go and you had to go back to him. If you taught me anything, it was that terrible beginnings don’t always have to be terrible endings. So if it was best for you, i’d give him back the one he loved the most.” Another tear ran down your cheek, before the tear hit the floor, your mother was gone. 

Ghosts were a lovely thought but you couldn't say you believed in them. You knew you needed your mother in that time and so you created her in your mind and willed her to speak the words you were so desperate to hear. In that moment you felt at peace, whether you had fooled yourself into believing what you wanted. You didn’t know. You didn’t care. It was enough for you to pull yourself to a stand and wipe your eyes. 

You stepped down the last step, meeting eyes with Alec. “There you are. You had some of us worried.” Your gaze travelled to his. He paused, his eyes canning your face. “Are you alright?”  “Yes.” You whispered.  “(Y/N), there is a lot of frightening things in this world but just as there is the ugly, there is the beautiful and good things in this world. When you live through what i have, what i have survived, believe me when i say, those terrible things are nothing in comparison, you’d go through a million of those terrible things because that one good thing is so rewarding. You have a father that loves you and will always be here for you. If you want it to be...this is your home.” Alec’s words resonated with you. Slowly, what he was trying to say made sense. You remembered the memories you had already made with your father, with Alec, with the Cullens, Renesmee ... your mother. None of them were perfect. Most had to do terrible things to survive. Yet that didn’t take away from any tender moment. So you let it go. Just as your mother had told you upstairs, whether she was real or your imagination. 

“Alec, i’d like to thank you.” You began.  “For what?” Alec asked.  “For your time, your effort. Angry or not, you’ve been there every step of the way. So thank you, you saved me. This is home.” Alec smirked slightly. “I know what it’s like.” 

Demetri looked into the room, find you fast asleep with your book still in hand and open at the page, laying on your stomach. Your hands held it in place but it was clear to see you were in a very deep sleep. Demetri noted you were still in comfortable clothing. He quietly moved towards you before gently lifting your hand and sliding the book out from your other hand. He marked the place before putting it on your bedside table. Carefully he lifted one of your legs ever so slightly to move in under the covers before doing the same with the other. Demetri pulled the covers over you, up to your shoulders. He didn't want you to get cold. He was pleased with himself that he didn't wake you. You didn't even stir. He tucked you in ever so slightly. Whilst he knew that wasn't necessary, he couldn’t help himself. He'd missed so much of you growing up, this was the first time he'd ever tucked you in since you were days old. He turned off the lamp beside your bed before leaning down to kiss your head. Just as silently, he left, leaving the door open just a crack. He had noticed you preferred the door like that most times. 

[leonardhoee]

Ikevamp OC: Sandro Botticelli

Birthday: March 1, 1445

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

Height: 173cm (5’8)

Past Occupation: Artist

Vampiric Type: Lesser Vampire

MBTI Personality: ENFJ- A

Build: Lean, but toned. He says his best feature is his ass. Everyone agrees

Fashion Style: Modern day Sandro would wear light academia or cottage core. He would also wear a maid dress or skirt just because he’s proud of his thighs. In Ikevamp’s time period however, his priority is always comfort. He’s wear leather pants with either a white silk or cotton button up. (Tiddies out ofc because he is shameless) 

Background: Turned in 1510 by Lorenzo de Medici, Botticelli was initially unaware that he had even died and been resurrected as a vampire. As someone who greatly appreciates life, he was angry at first about being brought back without his permission, and immediately left the Medici court. For several decades he traveled the world and realized there was so much undiscovered beauty just waiting to be discovered and immortalized by him. Since then he made it his goal to seek out that beauty wherever he could, and create a painting so extravagant and ethereal that it would put the sun, moon, and stars to shame. 

Personality: He is one of the most outgoing people in the mansion. He is not afraid to speak his mind and often compliments random people he meets in town. He is very genuine, almost to a fault. He always sees the good in others and can be a bit naive at times, only because he choses to believe people at face value. His  authenticity and trust in others, inspire the people he cares about to believe in themselves and become more confident. He also tends to have a flair for the dramatic, basically the embodiment of “I’ll get over it, I just need to be dramatic first”. He can be a bit dreamy and carefree, tossing awareness of his surroundings. (One time he went horseback riding with Leonardo and saw a pretty flower. He spaced out, thinking about how he would paint it in the hands of a beautiful person and ended up getting thrown off his horse when he almost rode into a tree. A true himbo). His carefree attitude however, can leave him a bit detached from people. While he’s very empathetic, he doesn’t know what to do when those emotions are coming from him. Finding beauty is his motivation after being brought back, but what happens when he realizes beauty isn’t the only reason he’s so drawn to you?

In Love: At first, he simply thought he was attracted to you for your beauty. After all, that’s the reason he was drawn to people in the past. He understand’s beauty very well, but he doesn't know what true love feels like from his own perspective. A major conflict for him would be realizing that the reason his heart races after time you smile at him, isn't because he simply finds you worthy of his art. He is hopelessly in love with you. 

“Oh don’t worry, I’m just holding your hand because its pretty haha...”

He can be oblivious at the beginning and won’t understand why you’re jealousy that he’s admiring other people for their beauty. It’s only because he wants them to be art subjects right? 

But once he has come to terms with his feelings, he will be the sweetest lover you can ask for. You are a goddess to him, his one and only muse, and he will make sure you know that he worships every single part of you. (He will definitely ask to paint you nude because “beauty such as yours absolutely must be captured. I only hope I can capture your radiance the way you deserve Amore”)

Hobbies: Painting, Meddling in people’s business, Stargazing

Dislikes: Dishonest and close minded people, Spicy Food

Favorite Food: Crème Brûlée

Hated Food: Banana

Weaknesses: Physical fighting, Math, Situational awareness.

Speciality: Making people smile, Chaos

Extra Things:

-Lorenzo brought him back because he believed it would be a waste for the world to loose such talent so quickly. 

- He arrived at the mansion to surprise Leonardo after hearing he was still alive. It was supposed to be a temporary stay but he fell in love with Paris and asked Comte if he could move in with them.

- Sandro is a great singer and dancer and is often asked by Mozart to sing one of his pieces for him. However he only agrees if he is allowed to draw Mozart after. (He can’t help it, Mozart and Jean are so ethereally beautiful, they just have to be drawn.)

- While he is extremely talented artistically, he doesn't know how to cook, wash dishes, or hail a carriage. Sebastian has officially banned him from the kitchen after he set the cupboards on fire trying to make a cake. (Theo nearly had a stroke after taking a bite and realizing he mixed up the salt and sugar)

- He is already very hyper, and he is not allowed to touch coffee. One time Arthur gave him a cup and he was awake all night trying to turned all the residents into the perfect models. He carried their sleeping bodies to the garden and arranged them to resemble the 12 Olympians. Jean woke up the next morning curled up at Comte’s feet and since then he has banned Botticelli from visiting his room or painting him. 

- Botticelli originally met Leonardo while they were both studying in Verrocchio’s workshop, and he considers Leo to be like an older brother to him. Being the two college-age dumbasses they are, they decided to move in together and start working as waiters in a nearby restaurant. After most of the staff died from the plague, Leonardo came up with the bright idea of rebranding the restaurant, calling it called "Le tre rane di Sandro e Leonardo" (the Three Frogs of Sandro and Leonardo), and serving gourmet cuisine. It ended up being a failure because most of their customers were not used to the innovative new food being served. 

- A threeway with Leonardo is definitely a possibility for you.

- He has a pet peacock named Juno.

- Sometimes he lays down in the garden and watches the clouds imagining different animals based on their shapes.

- Surprising Botticelli is very good friends with Dazai, and his positive outlook on life has helped Dazai appreciate his own existence. None of the other residents understand their conversations but it makes perfect sense between them.

- He cannot handle spicy food. One time Dazai slipped chili powder into his dinner and his face turned red while he teared up. To this day he internally shudders every time he sees the others eating something spicy without flinching.

- He tries to avoid conflicts as much as he can because he tends to get emotional very quickly. Being so empathetic can be draining to him and getting into a fight hurts him more than it will ever hurt the other person.

- He loves making random sketches of you and the other residents, and he will leave them your respective rooms with a small note reminding everyone that they are appreciated.

- His love language is physical touch and he has a habit of kissing everyone on the cheek or forehead.

- Something about Napoleon’s room is so cozy and welcoming that it makes him sleepy. He’s woken up cuddling Napoleon many times. Yes they have kissed each other.

- Though, he doesn’t like taking naps with Leonardo because sleeping on the floor makes all his bones hurt.

- He has a sweet tooth that rivals Theo. Between the two of them, any desserts Sebastian buys, are eating within 2 days.

- Sandro loves shopping with Comte and he constantly asks Leonardo to let him pick out a new wardrobe. He cringes every time he sees those mismatched boots.

- Shakespeare is the only resident that makes him a bit wary. He is very good at figuring out when people are lying and Will’s personality unsettles him.

- Besides Leonardo, Vincent is his favorite resident. Sandro appreciates how kind and welcoming he is, and his favorite pastime is painting with him. If he ever hears people talk bad about Vincent he will not hesitate to give that person a piece of his mind.

- Sandro is a bi king who develops crushes very easily, but most of them are fleeting and superficial. He had a major crush on Leonardo that he quickly got over after they became friends. When they lived together, Leo would often tease him for his habit of falling for people so quickly and moving on within a week.

- Modern Botticelli would be a major Ariana Grande, Harry Styles, and FKA Twigs fan.

- One time he was running to show Dazai a pretty butterfly he found and he was so distracted by it that he didn’t notice the tree branch right in front of him. He ran into it so hard that he knocked himself out for 30 minutes and Napoleon had to carry him back inside the mansion.

Other characters he is similar to: Ranpo Edogawa, Tamaki Suoh, Grell Sutcliff

I’m going to be using Ikevamp Botticelli so you can follow that tag if you want to hear more about him!

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

The Helping Hand

Summary: Y/N Krast Illegitimate Daughter of Tony Stark. Product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. What would Howard Stark be capable of doing to assure his sons future? What will happen when Tony meets our Beautiful, young, genius, rich philanthropist.

Word Count: 2000 approx

A/n: I will try to finish part 2 during the week maybe Wednesday or Thursday. I did change what happens in the movie but it will call make sense I promise. See you soon!

Tw: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug use, Drug addiction, Teen Pregnancy. (If there are any I missed please tell me.)

Ch.8

Chapter 9: Civil War Pt.1

Ch.10

Secretary Ross what a bitch. I mean you save the world you'd expect a thanks maybe a parade or something, but no. Instead they ask you to legally give up your rights, your anonymity basically all you value. "We can't seriously consider signing this." Steve spat out. "You're being Hyper nonverbal." Nat points tony out. "That's because he's already decided." Steve points out calmly. "I can't sign… I won't sign the accords." You mutter out quietly. "I'm not even an official part of the 'team'. I don't even have a hero name." Pietro chuckles giving you an approving nod. 

Nat brings you and Pietro back to reality. "You were still there." She points out matter of factly. "Either way that does not change that we have made some very public mistakes." She continues. "We need to be put in check." Tony states. "If we don't do it now they will do it to us later and they won't be asking nicely." He says. "I agree it's better to keep one hand on the wheel, than letting go completely." You're honestly not listening at this point anymore. You jump back in after Visions statistics. "My friends are dead because of you." You point out. 

"You blame Wanda for an accident. When I saw your effect on Sokovia way before you blew it up." You mention spitefully. "If you want to sign because you feel guilty go ahead. I'm not being forced into this..." Tony sighs hurt by your comments' brutal honesty. "I'm just trying to protect Wanda." He says looking at you. "Too little too late… where were you when she was in Lagos." This is when Wanda steps in. "Just calm down okay… Just- lets just hear him out." She says looking at you. "Either we have her here with her brother or they become government property." He continues. "You can't just not sign… think about everything you'll lose." Steve jumps in again. "If we sign, we lose our chance to choose. We work under our own authority now, but people have agendas and you know that better than anyone." Steve points out.

Tony and Steve go at it for a minute when he abruptly leaves. Soon you find out why… Peggy passed. You and Nat flew out to be with him for a moment. After which he told you he was not signing the accords. "Wish you the best Captain Rogers." Is what you said. You hesitated but pulled him into a hug. "If you ever need anything talk to me… I'll do my best to help you out." You tell him and he hugs you back. Nat convinced you to fly to Vienna with her and sign the accords there. So you did and regretted it not long after you arrived. It was a complete bore fest. You let Nat do her own thing and you just walked around like a lost puppy until something called your attention. You rush back to her immediately. "Nat, something's wrong, something is very wrong." You repeat then you look out the window confirming your theory. "EVERYBODY GET DOWN" you yell as you leap on Natasha. She's about to reprimand you for causing a scene when the whole building shakes.

It was a blur and everything hurts. You stand up and all you can hear is ringing and a faint voice. As you stand you hear your name faintly Natasha is calling you but there's something else. Your head begins to throb. The voice it's clear now. It's repeating words. "Zhelanie, rzhavyy, Semndtsat', Rassvet, Pech', Devgat', Dobroserdechnyy, Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu, Odin', Gruzovoy Vagon." You grab your head to try and steady yourself. But the voice gets louder and then you recognize it. "Don't believe what you see… dig deeper Y/n. It wasn't him." Then you're pulled out of your daze by Nat standing before you. "Y/n are you okay?" She asks worried. You only nod turning your head and noticing that somehow you made your way outside. "I umm- I need you to call tony and tell him it happened again." You say calmly she nods and takes off to make the call. As she did that you called Steve. "Yes, Steve I'm fine we're fine… but you need to listen to me."

He was scared and the news spread like wildfire. "It wasn't him… Steve it wasn't him." He's quiet. "How do you know?" You sigh. "I just do Steve okay. I believe in you alright. But you can't look for him. If you find him the rest will find him. Keep your distance a week two tops just listen to me please." You plead with him he eventually sighs. "I'm trusting you Y/n" you sigh in relief. You hang up when Nat begins to walk back to you. "Tony is sending a Plane." She mentions looking around them fixing her sight on you. "How did you know something was going to happen?" Her voice nearly a whisper. You shake your head. "Y/n you told me something was wrong very wrong at least 30 seconds before the bombs went off."

"I-i don't know Nat something felt wrong… off then I looked out the window." You say trying to piece together your thoughts. "Lets go… let me drop you off at the airport." She says helping you up. The drive was quiet and uncomfortable. She wasn't sure she believed you, she saw that you called someone. Her walls were up and your answers were not helping that. She helped you board the plane and said her goodbyes and walked out. The ride was quiet what you wanted. But those words kept circling your mind. You couldn't have heard them more than three times but they were burnt into your mind. Vision and then twins were waiting for you when you landed. "Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner will not get here in a couple of days." You nod taking your time getting off.

"Are you okay?" Pietro asks when you trip down the last step. You shake your head. "I'm just tired, plus it's not everyday that you live through an explosion." You chuckle. "I just need some rest." You finish. Your sleep was not as peaceful as you'd like. Your head kept going back to that state of limbo the same words repeating over and over again. In the morning you're feeling well enough and make your way down to the kitchen. You weren't surprised when you found the Maximoff twins already up and going. "Good morning" you say as you walk up to them noticing Vision floating in a corner. "Good morning do you feel better?" Wanda asks as she flips a pancake. You nod watching Pietro chop vegetables extremely fast. Wanda clears her throat catching your attention. "Your thoughts were very loud last night…" 

"Oh my Wanda I am so sorry if I kept you up." You begin apologizing but she cuts you short. "It's fine I only brought it up because I can hear them… they are there, but I can read them?" She says questioning whether or not you understood. You nod. "Did it happen again?" She asks, worry filling her eyes. "I-i don't know how to explain it. Yesterday I felt something was off. I heard a voice after the explosion." You mention trying to wrap your head around the situation. "It was repeating these words. I can't stop thinking about them." You finish off. She gives you a confused look. "Bruce said it's kinda like the green guy… It keeps me alive." 

"Is that why I can't read you anymore?" She blurts out. "I don't know probably." You shrug. "Nat, she doesn't believe me… I saw it in her eyes." You mention quietly. Pietro rushes over to you and puts his arm around you, messing with your hair. "Well we believe you, isn't that right?" He looks at Wanda and she nods. He has to throw a piece of fruit at Vision. "Yes, I think there is something to your condition." He mentions a smile growing on his face… Or what you think he thinks is a smile. It causes everyone to break out into laughter. After that you and the twins have a nice couple of days hanging out and living in some type of normalcy. You would watch the Dik Van Dyke show and Bewitched per Wanda's request and then one night something was off again. "Wanda… something's off. It's different." Is the last thing you manage to say before Vision rushes over to your side. This time the threat was internal… your heart. 

"Y/n to my understanding your heart is going into cardiac arrest. Stop fighting your mind, it will protect you." He mentions. You clutch your chest and let your mind loose. "Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner have been informed and will be here soo…'' is all your hear before you black out. You're in and put at one point you think you see Bruce but you're not sure. Then you're back in that white tundra and she's there waiting for you with a warm smile on her face. "Why do we keep meeting like this?" You ask as you run towards her. "It's you…" Is all she says hugging you. "Yes, who else would it be." You say playfully. She chuckles but she shakes her head. "It's you we meet on your terms. You only let me in when your guard is down." She steps back. "Are your okay?" She asks cautiously. "I really hope so." You say honestly taking a seat on the floor. "That's not what I meant… I-i um I had to give you a push in Vienna." She sits next to you. "That was you! Of course that makes sense. What do they mean." She smiles. "You'll figure it out… I know you will." She says again and you lay your head on her lap. She runs her fingers through your hair humming. "How long can I stay here with you like this?" You ask with your eyes closed. "As long as your want monkey."

"Where is she, is she okay? What the hell happened?" Tony burst into the compound the anger masking how scared he was. "Dr. Cho is in there right now and she's stable. She's almost done. Dr. Banner is assisting" Vision answers Tony calms down slightly turning to the twins. "What the hell happened?" They both shrug and Pietro speaks up. "You should ask her." He says his head nodding towards Nat. Tony makes a double take when Steve and Sam walk out behind her. Natasha walks up to them "What happened?" Tony only signs "That seems to be the Billion Dollar question." Wanda jumps back in. "She said something was off… something happened in Vienna." Now Pietro get defensive and jumps in to back his sister. "She said you didn't believe her." Tony turns to Nat. "Did she tell you this?"

"What was I supposed to believe Tony… she knew a building was going to explode before it did." Tony is now pacing. "She told you something was wrong… MY DAUGHTER told you something was wrong, that something was wrong with her. And you didn't think to tell me!" Natasha is left speechless and so is everyone else. That's when Dr. Cho walks back into the waiting room. "The surgery was a success and we replaced the damaged heart. She should wake up in a couple of hours depending as their medications wear off." She says not noticing the tension. Tony sighs in relief and Dr. Cho walks off. Tony points at Natasha. "You will stay away from her agent Romanoff." With that he walks off. 

It had been more than a few hours. It had been days and you hadn't woken up. "What is happening to her?" Tony hadn't left your side. Everyone had stopped by everyday their hopes diminished. Bruce calls him over and makes him take a seat. "Tony we have to wake her up soon!" He nods. "Of course we do!" He says looking at Bruce shake his head. "Her medical directives legally bind us to remove all life sustaining measures after two weeks."

[bookstantrash]

A/N: Shoutout to all of those beautiful, incredible supportive and awesome people who encouraged me to write this Emeriel (Azriel x Emerie) one shot. I really like this crackship, and I’m hoping we see more of Emerie in the next acotar books.

With this, I’m officially in ghost mode till acosf and for some time after its release (probably a month). My askbox and dm are open for prompts tho! So feel free to send me any writing requests!!

Falling in Shadows

Azriel was lost.

Not lost as in ‘I don’t know the Cauldron where I am’. Not in the physical way lost.

No, Azriel was lost in the emotional way. Lost as in ‘What the Cauldron I am feeling?’

If he was to be honest with himself, he had been feeling like that for quite some time now. Ever since Cassian had asked him to go to that wooden building and spied a certain female through the clothier’s window.

Azriel was usually uncomfortable around other Illyrians. He sometimes forgot he too was one, his hatred for his people in some occasions being so unbearable he found himself a youngling once again, locked in that dark cell, denied the skies.

How could he be an Illyrian, feel like one, when his own people had cast him aside? Had tried to strip him of his heritage?

That was one of the motives he avoided going to Windhaven. But after that day he visited Cassian and Nesta — he was surprised to see how their relationship was going, despite the circumstances that had made Nesta go to Illyria — Azriel found himself looking for reasons to be in Windhaven.

All because of her.

Because of Emerie, the fierce owner of that clothier.

Once he had gotten inside the shop, Azriel had willed his shadows to fade — few were the Illyrians and Fae not afraid of them, afraid of him and his job in the Night Court — and tucked his wings tight. He knew how the Illyrian females were treated. How they were supposed to look down and not talk back when in the presence of a male. He didn’t want any other reason to scary the shop owner.

To his surprise, however, he was met with a different scenario. An Illyrian female who didn’t look down, was not afraid to speak her mind and didn’t cower in his presence.

Emerie didn’t even bat an eyelash at him or his shadows, not even glancing at his scarred hands when he handed her the money — an act he was already used to.

Azriel was in and out of the shop in less then five minutes.

He met her again some time later, having tea with Nesta when came back to Windhaven. They exchanged a few words and he got even more curious about her.

And then, before he had even noticed how, they had become friends.

Azriel would pass by her shop whenever he went to visit Cassian and would chat with Emerie, sometimes joining her and Nesta for tea — Azriel dragged Cassian with him when that happened, a little scared to be beneath the sharpe of gaze of both females by himself.

Not that he told Cassian, or anyone else for that matter, the truth. He’d rather swim naked in one of Windhaven’s deathly cold lakes.

Azriel had female friends, so it was not like he was embarrassed around Emerie because of that. Feyre was his friend, as was Elain — although Feyre seemed to think there was something between him and her sister, they were only on friendly terms. Elain was still processing what had happened to her, being Made and losing everything she had, not to mention Graysen. The man was one of the finest pricks he’d ever met, but love was not rational.

Azriel and Elain understand each other in some level, her being a seer and him a shadowsinger. But nothing more.

And then there was Morrigan. He’d been in love with her. Once. And he knew she didn’t see him like that.

His feelings had faded over time, leaving only respect and brotherly affection towards her. Azriel knew he sometimes overreacted when it came to Eris, but it was not due to a lover’s anger. No, he felt guilty of what Mor had been through, years ago. He was her friend and couldn’t help her when she needed the most.

His love towards Mor may have changed, but it still hurt to see that she was keeping something from him and flirted so shameless in front of him as to keep him away. Whatever it was that she had to say, he’d understand. So he’d wait, until she was ready to talk to him.

When it came to Emerie, however, he felt something. Something different. Something he could not quite place.

Azriel also felt fear.

Fear of what that feeling may represent. Of what Emerie thought of him. He had to keep himself in check around her, least he loose control of his shadows, who always seemed to get agitated whenever they were together.

Sighing, he shook his head to try and rid himself of these thoughts. He could feel an headache coming, and he had to wake up early to met Cassian and the Camp Lords for a meeting regarding the Blood Rite. He needed sleep.

His feet, on the other hand, had other ideais. Before he knew what he was doing, they had taken him on the way to the small craftsman center of the camp, where Emerie’ shop was.

Maybe he could say he had thought of saying a quick hello, see how the things were going with her sells.

“It’s not that late yet. And I didn’t come today to see her. So a late night tea won’t hurt, right?” Azriel thought, trying to calm himself down.

He sent one of his shadows ahead to see if there was any light on the clothier, just in case. If it was off, he’d take it was a sign to leave it alone and go rest.

But when it returned, Azriel felt his blood run cold, and he quickly moved through the shadows to get there faster. And the scene in front of him made his heart stop.

The shop windows were broken, as was the door, and he could see some of the clothes thrown on the floor by the door.

Azriel heard screams.

Heard Emerie screaming.

He entered the shop to find her being restrained by a male, while two others ransacked the place.

Azriel did not fail to notice how the male holding her looked pissed. Maybe due to his bloody nose and black eye.

Azriel smiled internally. His girl would not go down without a fight it seemed.

“And just what do you think you’re doing” he said, announcing his presence.

Four pairs of eyes looked in his direction, and he got smug satisfaction at the clear fear that shined in the males’ eyes.

Specially when they saw Azriel unsheathing Truth Teller and gave free rein to his shadows.

However, in Emerie’s dark brown eyes he only saw relief.

“Close your eyes Em” he said.

And then Azriel exploded.

He had the two males pinned down by his shadows in no time, bounding their wings and squeezing their throats strong enough to leave them breathless.

And a little purple.

But the one that held Emerie... that one he would take his sweet time.

Appearing behind the male — which quickly released Emerie in hope to attempt an escape — Azriel slammed him down in the polished counter.

“What should I do with you” he snarled, bringing Truth Teller dangerously close to the male’s throat, making a thin cut in his skin.

“P-please,” the male whimpered “have mercy”

“Did you show mercy to her? Did you?!” Azriel shouted, pressing the knife harder “I should Clip you. I should Clip all of you and take my sweet time doing it”

He heard the other two males struggling against his shadows, trying to get away again. Azriel only whiled them to tighten their grip, and he swore he heard one start to cry.

“You will never appear here again. You will not bother Emerie any longer” he leaned down to whisper in the male’s ear “You will tell that to your other friends. To anyone who has ever messed with her. And if I hear that you came back — and trust me, I will — I will hunt you down myself”

“Are we clear?” he added, letting his threat sink.

“Y—yes sir” the trembling male managed to gasp through Azriel’s hold on his neck.

“Go” he said, freeing all three, who quickly left the place, running for their lives.

Azriel then turned to find Emerie with her eyes open, staring at him.

He froze. She had seen him. Had seen him act as the High Lord’s spy master. Had seen him being territorial and scary and—

“I think I’ll have to redecorate” was all Emerie said, her voice trembling a little.

Azriel couldn’t believe it. She had been attacked, her shop destroyed and she had time to make a joke.

He shook his head in disbelief and stopped in front of her, holding himself back to not touch her to see if she was hurt anywhere.

“Are you—”

Her knees gave out before he could say anything else, and he quickly caught her in his arms.

“You put your arms around me and I literally felt my kneels buckle, this is so pathetic” she scoffed, looking at the floor.

“Em...”

“I usually can handle it on my own” she shook her head “Nesta taught me some self defense moves. I can’t leave the shop to go for the training ring and I have no desire to be a warrior”

“This...this was the first time that more than one came” she added in a soft whisper.

Azriel felt a calm rage settle in his bones.

“This is not the first time something like this has happened,” he wanted to shake her until she got some sense in that stubborn head of hers “and you didn’t tell anyone about it”

“As I said, I usually can handle it” she snapped back, finally meeting his eyes “I was closing the shop when they appeared. I tried to fight back, but I only managed to punch one before he restrained me. If you hadn’t appeared I—”

She didn’t finish that sentence, bitting her trembling lip to keep herself from crying.

“You are one headstrong and fearless female, you know that?” he said, daring to hold her closer.

“I was scared”

And to Azriel’s surprise she buried her head on his chest, gripping his leathers for her dear life, her body shaking with silent sobs.

“I know Em” he murmured, one hand caressing her hair in comfort.

His shadows closed the door and gathered the clothes on the floor, putting them on the counter.

“I’m going to take you upstairs, okay?” he asked softly, and Emerie just nodded her head.

Gathering her in his arms, Azriel climbed the stairs to the upper part of the shop, where Emerie lived.

He decided to place her on the sofa. He didn’t want to invade her personal space and walk into her bedroom.

He carefully sat on the sofa, adjusting Emerie in his arms so she’d be comfortable. By the looks of it, she wasn’t letting go of him soon.

Not that he was bothered by that.

“Em...it’s okay. You’re safe now” he tenderly raised her head, both hands cupping her cheeks and brushing away her tears.

“Thank you. For arriving when you did” she sniffed, but then reality seemed to fall on her “Why where you around here at this hour?”

Azriel felt the tip of his ears getting hot, and he almost faded back in the shadows.

“I wanted to see you” he mumbled, so low he hoped she had not heard him.

“What was that?” she asked, and by the way she was trying to suppress a grin Azriel could tell she had heard him loud and clear.

“I’m not repeating it” he said, feeling his whole face getting hot

Emerie laughed, and the sound of her laugh was enough to put Azriel at ease.

“I wanted to see you too” she confessed, looking deep into his eyes.

Azriel could swear his heart skipped a beat at her words.

“You did?” he softly asked, afraid this was all a dream and he’d soon wake up.

“Yes” she said, and tenderly took one of his hands on hers, not flinching at the scars on them “I wanted to hear your voice”

She kissed his fingers.

“I wanted to see you trying to come up with topics to talk with me”

She kissed palm.

“I wanted to see your shadows acting all agitated and you trying so hard to control them thinking I’ll be bothered but,” Azriel took a sharp breath when she kissed his wrist “they’re not a bother. I’m not afraid of them. I like them”

Azriel was falling. He was spiralling down into himself, all the way to his shadowed heart.

“You like them?” he asked so quietly, fear lacing his every word.

“I do. They’re part of you Azriel” she interlaced their hands “What is there not to like?”

Azriel felt like crying. He felt like crying because for the first time someone outside of his family had looked at him and actually seen him.

Not a monster who killed and spied and tortured for his High Lord.

Not an Illyrian who was a traitor to his own race.

Not the quiet friend who was satisfied to be in the shadows.

Not a protector doing his duty.

Emerie saw him.

She saw all the good, the bad and the awkward Azriel so desperately tried to conceal.

And she was not afraid.

“Can I hope then?” he dared himself to ask, resting his forehead against hers “Can I hope you feel this? This feeling that I can’t quite place?”

“You can” she answered “Because I hoped you felt the same thing”

Azriel still did not know how to name this feeling between them yet. But he was sure of one thing.

He was dying to know what it was.

And Emerie would help him in every path of this discovery.

•

Emeriel Tags: @julemmaes @angrypotatofairy @illyrianwitchling @moe8 @thewayshedreamed @ko0mbayamylord @rosegoldannie @fourshizzle149 @arin1030 @elide-lochan-salvaterre @the-bookish-deer

Fixed Tags: @sayosdreams @thewayshedreamed @sjm-things @perseusannabeth @arin1030 @caotica-e-quieta @vidalinav @swankii-art-teacher @ireallyshouldsleeprn @duskandstarlight @greerlunna @thegoddessaltenia @dayanna-hatter @verypaleninja @awesomelena555 @courtofjurdan @allilal @sensitiveillyrian @moe8 @illyrianwitchling13 @silvernesta @bri-loves-sunflowers @queenestarcheron @imwritingthesewords @vasudharaghavan

{I ended up creating an Emeriel tag list, so please let me know if you want to be added in either the Emeriel or my Fixed Tag list}

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

OC-tober Day 2: Glass

OC-tober prompts put together by @oc-growth-and-development​! I have to ramble in meta instead of write, because my brain is Mush lately. (I know I’m behind but I have a lot pre-written, I just need to put it into coherent words!)

This one especially can be rambled about at length, because the most important “glass” object in my stories is one I greatly enjoy exploring: Dove’s mindscape mirror!

^ I drew it forever ago; here’s the deviantArt link if you’d like to see the big version! 

https://www.deviantart.com/ravenshiddensoul/art/Dove-s-Keepsakes-Mirror-and-Box-284227087

It’s largely modeled after a bird stretching its wings upwards, with a handle like a tail and certain details are inlaid with Azarathean gold to better channel its magics.

Now, this is where the rambling begins: The mirror’s backstory, and I’ll be exploring one of my favorite things to develop in all of my stories: Dove’s mindscape!

Dove's mirror isn't one of her most prized possessions, nor super incredibly sentimental, but it IS an object touched with her mother's magic, it has flourishes of Azarathean gold (some of the last pieces to exist), and it's useful for introspection and self-soothing, so it does have some value and importance.

Dove struggled with meditating quite a lot as a child, and there was only so much her mother could do to help. Meditation was pretty important to them as both a means of helping Dove control her powers, and as a staple of Azarathean spirituality. As she so often did, Alerina poked around and asked enough questions around the temple that she was told about Raven's mirror, and she decided to replicate it for Dove. She custom ordered a gold-lined wooden hand mirror, and then cast the spells to connect it to Dove's inner world herself. It took a few tries (it's much harder to connect something to someone else's mind than your own, after all), but she was nothing if not determined to help her daughter, and eventually figured it out.

As for its main purpose: Self-reflection! (If you'll pardon the pun.) Dove uses it to meditate, but where Raven uses hers for centering and compartmentalization, Dove uses it more as a blend of escapism and a focusing aid.

Much like Raven's, Dove's mirror acts as a portal to the depths of her mind, and this is where it gets fun!

The vortex that transports the users is usually white and gold, imbued with the same energies that give Dove her powers, at least on her mother's side. It's noticeably touched with black and red in DDD. (Dove's evil side starts taking over her mind, and thus its energies manifest through the mindscape, and Dove's portal into it, hence: black and red energies instead.) It tends to open up like a light tunnel and almost opens the mental world around the user, rather than dragging them in.

Once inside, one can't expect to navigate the same way as Beast Boy and Cyborg did in "Nevermore". Every mind is different, after all! We saw Raven's mindscape divided nearly into emotional sections with a neutral space between them, and the way through each area was preset and linear. While different parts of Dove's internal world manifest in different "areas", they're not so totally divided and separate, and there's no real "neutral" zone except at the very "center". The scenery changes, but it's more of a gradual transition, and though Dove employs thresholds to mark key areas, they're very much just visual aids.

Dove's mindscape is laid out more like a series of rooms and courtyards in a very (very, very, very) large mansion. The ground is generally of crystal, spires and columns decorate the scenery, and the thresholds are modeled after birds with their wings outspread. (While this seems like a play on Dove's namesake, it's actually based on Azarath's architecture, particularly that of George Perez's Azarath in the 1980's New Teen Titans comics.)

Dove's sky shows various stars and often casts moonlight from an uncertain source, particularly when she's introspecting. The ambient temperature varies amongst the locations, chilly in the regions ruled by fear and sadness, uncomfortably warm near her demon's domain, and comfortable and breezy where her peace and contentment reside.

One could easily get lost in her mindscape if they don't know where they're going. The place can shift and change on a whim.

Where Dove spends her time building that peace and contentment, it's very closely modeled after her mother's memories of Azarath (which is where she learned how to find peace, after all): there's marble and gold everywhere, and the stars twinkle with dozens of colors in the sky.

Where Dove retreats when there are feelings of timidity, her excruciating shyness, her grief and doubt, the world becomes shrouded in thick fog. Broken buildings and pale light litter the grounds.

Where she built her love for reading, for history, for creativity and study and learning, it's arranged as rooms with dark marbled tile and a carpeted path, the floor for dozens of feet on either side littered with piles of books.

Dove's inner happy place is an open field on gently rolling hills, where thoughts take the form of birds and somehow the sky holds both the stars and suns. One might find trees, flowers, abstract forms of cottages, and forts loaded with mugs and cozy cushions. If you wander far enough you'll find very tall stone walls surrounding it, because Dove's mind is such that her happiness is one of the few things she really truly believes she needs to protect from the rest of herself.

And then there are the aspects of herself that she shoves the deepest down, secreted far away from the surface: the anger, the hunger for power, the mean streak. (Yes, believe it or not, Dove does have a mean streak! You just have to work especially hard to bring it out. Or trigger her in just the right ways around sadism, violence, war, or death. It's very much Not Recommended; bringing too much of that mean streak out could mean Dove loses control of her powers, or worse: her demonic aspects.)

Those secret forces aren't so much located in one particular space of her mind as they're hidden in every dark corner, coursing through the underside of all the ground, a tantalizing power running through every part of her, only ever set free enough to use the dangerous powers to her own ends.

Her places for Fear and Curiosity in particular will be explored in the upcoming Missing: Raven rewrite. (As they're the strongest things Dove is feeling in that story, that's going to be what Beast Boy and Cyborg encounter.) I also explored the way these things manifest in DDD, and in that same story Dove will focus on rebuilding Peace in the final chapter.

I can't talk about Dove's mindscape without mentioning the "emoticlones". These fun little guys are called by the fanon term given to Raven's "emotion clones", the separate parts of her that express a specific set of traits based on particular aspects of her personality. I had so much fun playing with their voices and thoughts in Dove's head during DDD, you have no freaking idea! I also copied the concept of them having Colored Cloaks from Teen Titans canon, because honestly it's a quick and easy way to identify them, and the fandom's familiar with this system through Raven.

Which colors mean what was more inspired by details from a really old, now-defunct website called Cartoon Orbit that had separate "online trading cards" for each of Raven's emoticlones! On that site, Raven's were labeled as such, and this is what I based Dove's system on, loosely: - Pink: "Raven Happy" - Red: "Raven Rage" - Orange: "Raven Rude" - Yellow: "Raven Smart" - Green: "Raven Brave" - Brown: "Raven Fear" (I'm pretty sure there was a purple one, but I don't recall what it was called. "Love" maybe? That might be from fanon; this site was running like 15 years ago, and I was like 10 years old, so I hardly thought to pay Super Special Attention to it...)

But I digress. The point is, I adapted that system for the key aspects of Dove's unique personality, and came to understand them as follows:

- Pink: Joy, relief, coziness - Red: Cruelty, impulsivity, anger - Orange: Apathy, indifference, disregard - Yellow: Curiosity, study, intrigue - Green: Courage, determination, activity - Blue: Contentedness, pacifism, spirituality - Purple: Compassion, friendship, romanticism - Gray: Sadness, grief, longing. - Brown: Fear, fear, fear!

But for Dove's mind in particular, it's not only HER experiences and personality that form the world! She's a telepath, and though she holds others' privacy in very, very high regard and tries never to read someone's mind without their permission, her sense of receptive telepathy is ever-present. Echoes, lights, shadows, reflections of others' memories and thoughts might affect the very edges of her mind. It's a constant sense, but it only ever causes very ephemeral changes unless something deeply affects her.

Her mindscape also grows and changes as Dove grows and changes, experiences life, learns to cope, and changes how she handles her own emotions.

Most notably, the internal struggle in DDD tore her mind apart. Initially it was due to a breakdown of certainty and confidence, hastened by guilt and grief, but it soon became a deliberate tactic to wage war on the parts of Dove's mind that were trying to resist the evil; eventually her inner demon began intentionally breaking/corrupting everything it could touch.

By chapter 20, that evil is the only strong and stable thing in Dove's mind. Raven's attack to remove the evil in her took away that stability, and strength, and thus took away what was essentially the last support holding Dove's mind together. As it says in the story: "everything collapsed". Dove's mindscape was utterly destroyed, and only the most basic aspects of her remained.

For awhile, that left Dove unable to remember things clearly, or feel emotions without great pain. Rebuilding it to the point where she was able to talk and feel Mostly Normally again took months of meditation.

When Dove is kidnapped and Leyla has distressing dreams about her mother, she, Srentha, and Raven use the mirror to check on Dove by accessing her mindscape. With her powers stripped away, surrounded by people who mock her, and certain Fauni rituals sickening Dove to her soul, naturally her mind is very different: shadowy forms flitted at the edges of vision, the ground wavered, her discomfort was thick in the air and the constant fear made everything so, so cold. "Shadows" of others' thoughts flashed in and out of existence, and Dove's desperation manifests as fleeting voices on the wind. It's uncomfortable to be in her mind while she's so distressed.

It's also worth mentioning that her mindscape changes again, essentially "growing" the part of her that belongs to Love when she finally lets herself love Srentha, and it expands again when Leyla's born and Dove once more finds depths of love she didn't know she could carry.

[ulquiorrapleasecallmetrash]

A Birthday Surprise ( Ulquiorra X Reader)

Guess What day it is? It 's My bat baby's birthday! As a celebration I am doing a Birthday one shot in honor of him! This will be a first in the Birthday Boys series. ♥♥♥

----

There was nothing special about December  First. That is,  until s/o found out  about a certain someone's birthday today.   Truth be told, your knowledge of Ulquiorra's birthday was a complete accident,  that reason was all because of that sneaky fox, Gin.  You remembered him making his way down the hall, smiling about something. His normal, creepy smile was replaced by a devious grin plastered on his face. He knew your likeness towards the 4th Espada, due to him over hearing, a conversation you had with one of your arrancar friends.  This was the reason why two days before December 1st you stood in the white halls of Hueco Mundo, face to face with him. "Have any plans for December first?" You narrowed your eyes at him, " What do you mean plans? Why would I have that? " You heard a sarcastic gasp  from Ichimaru's face, "You have no idea who's birthday it is? What shame and I thought you and him were friends. " Friends is a very loose term between you two. Sure, he found you interesting enough to talk to you and sure, he likes your company enough to let you follow him around when he has errands to run but it was nothing like that. You eyes widened a bit, "His birthday...is in two days?" Gin 's Grin never fade, "Why yes, I would have thought he would told you, but knowing him he is stiff as a  board so don't be too upset that  he didn't tell you.  I, myself am lucky enough to know his birthday." You weren't sure how to feel about this, because  you knew he wouldn't understand or care to understand about his birthday at all. "Thanks for this information." You stated, making your way towards the 4th espadas palace, ignoring the snickering from behind you. Two knocks, that was all it would take for him to answer the door. Slowly, he hesitantly opened it, being cautious as to who it was from the other side. Once he confirmed it was you, the door widened, now you can see his whole figure. "What?" His face, as neutral as ever but given the tone of his voice he sounded irritated. You knew he was in one those moods, the kind where he didn't want to be bothered by anyone but somehow he was less annoyed when it was you. "Hello, Ulquiorra-sama, someone told me not too long ago that December 1st was your birthday." You stated at him to see if showed any signs of  irritation or any emotion. Of course not. It was quiet for a few  moments and awkward, to say the least. "Why does it matter if it is or isn't." He stated simply. You could feel the tinge of pink form on your cheeks, You felt so silly to ask him. "Well, I was wondering if you want to celebrate it together? It is an important day afterall." Even with his never changing facial features you could see a hint of something in his eyes but his words contradict it. "Why would I care about foolish human customs that you people have, women?" You were use to his behavior, he always had that "I'm right and you're wrong" mentality and every time  you talked to him you always felt so inferior to him, especially because you were human. "Birthdays are a celebration, to show them that you are happy to exist. People show other people that they care about them by eating cake and giving gifts to that person." Ulquiorra didn't seem impressed at all. "What a ridiculous human activity  that humans partake in. " He stated coldly. "The celebration of a human's existance is nothing but useless." You were mentally and physically upset with him. True, You could kind of see is point but that doesn't mean he should be so abrupt and heartless about it.. But that is just how he is. You smiled as a thought occurred to him, maybe if you weren't able to prove to him how birthdays are special  verbally but maybe you could show him visually. "Maybe you're right about how silly it is to eat cake but what if I am able to give you a gift that you will actually like? Then would you consider celebrating your birthday?" His emerald eyes stared at you, tilting his head with curiosity, he was defiantly considering it. "Fine, if you are able to come up with this "gift" you speak that will impress me, I might reconsider it. " with that, he turned away walking back into his room without another word, closing it shut.  The only thing you could do now is smile, You were more than  ready to prove him wrong. Days had past and you spent some time thinking  over what kind of gift to give him. You figured in order to impress him you would have to give him something he never had before. Material things wouldn't work since he feels that they are useless. The best way to give him something is experience.  That was your plan and you were 50% sure it could work, if not maybe he would at least like the cupcake you had baked for him.  

Ulquiorra's birthday  approached quickly, You stood in front of the same door from the other day, still a bit nervous about the outcome. You raised your hand to form knocking motion on  his door, but before you could he opened the door quickly. He narrowed his eyes at you, then the cupcake you held on your plate.  You could just see the look of visible digust in his eyes. "Is this the "gift" you present to me? "  You blushed a bit, "No... Not exactly, this is just  the cake I told you about. Usually they are bigger but I want you try it first." You handed him a plate with a silver fork on the side of it. He was hesitant , he never liked the thought  of carelessly taking something from another hollow, person, or thing. You waited for him to  paitiently take it. Eventually he hesitantly took the fork from the plate, staring at it curiously. Then, he cut off a piece of it, taking a small piece and placing it into his mouth. The look on his face was priceless, his eyes widened as he slowly chewed on it. It was very  sweet, and the flavor wasn't too intense for his tastebuds. He almost wanted to take another bite. "And you think just a piece of that is going to make me change my mind? How ludicrous." You rolled your eyes at him , "Of course not silly, I told you  that cupcake was a bonus." You watched his eyes narrow at you, internally wondering what you were giving him. You didn't have anything else besides that cupcake so what could it possibly be? You smiled at him and right when he was deep in thought, You leaned in and kiss him on the cheek, stepping back to gaze at his beautiful eyes widening. He touched his cheek, still in complete shock by your gesture. It was warm, gentle, and sweet. He never felt anything like it before and worst of all ... He  actually liked it. He tried to play it off like it was disgusting but instead he came off as flustered more than ever. It  was clear when he  his pale cheeks turn rosy pink. "That's it? Do you really think that kind of gesture is worthy of me appreciating my birthday ?" You giggled at him, he was totally out of it and it was amazing to see. "Of course I do because just by the look of your face you seem so conflicting." You leaned forward again, kissing the other side of his cheek, watching him turn pinker. You could tell that he was in awe by these sweet gestures, touching the other side again. What was this? "What did you do to me, women? " "It's a kiss, humans kiss each other to show affection. I thought it would be something special since you never experience it...did it work? " He begin to open his mouth to protest but immediantly closed it afterwards. For once he was speechless. You giggled again, this was priceless, seeing him so embarassed, confused. "Happy Birthday Ulquiorra-san."  You smiled, handing him the plate with the remaining piece of the cupcake, and without a word you made your way down the hallway.   You didn't need his words to confirm that the kiss worth celebrating his birthday. Because you both  knew deep down that it was more than worth it.

-----

Requests are OPEN

[atinybitofau]

S A N ↱ arranged marriage au

WHEN HE’S TOO (drunk) MUCH

a/n: may contain alcoholism past/present

• you didn’t understand why San neglected you.

• you fell in love with him.

• just like any girl would.

• cause who wouldn’t?

• he was strong.

• persistent.

• ambitious.

• the epitome of perfect.

• so was it because you didn’t meet his standards for a woman?

• that he’s too much for you.

• that you’re nothing more than just a business contract.

• “You’ve been in the clouds all day, Mrs. Choi.”

• “Y/n.” you mumble, pen signing your signature in your hand. “Please.. address me as so.”

• as a descendant of a successful line of entrepreneurs.

• it’s no surprise you owned 50+ coffee shops in the country and some international.

• known to be a silent woman.

• hiding in the shadows of your predecessors.

• and notoriously known as Choi San’s wife.

• — a man of many wonders and an A class entrepreneur of his own.

• you’re a woman everyone wanted to be.

• a woman everyone wanted too.

• “Will you be joining Mr. Park to Japan this weekend? You still haven’t confirmed if you’d be joining him. On his retreat.”

• you unknowingly glance at the picture frame of you and your arranged husband.

• wanting leisure from your deprived love life so bad.

• though the idea of spending time with another man sounded sinless.

• considering the circumstances...

• “It’s your anniversary with Mr. Choi this Saturday, is it not?”

• you turn the frame face front on your table, smiling softly at your assistant. “I’m sure he wouldn’t remember anyway.”

• now you’re at home packing.

• not surprised that San hasn’t came home yet.

• in the two— no three years that you two have been married,

• it seems he sometimes forgets this was his home.

• “Yes. That sounds splendid. Of course, I will be there. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. And to you too, Mr. Kang.”

• you hear him on the phone when he comes home.

• surprised that he actually did for the first time in a week.

• you don’t say anything when he enters your shared room.

• him not minding at all that you were packing.

• “Business trip?” he asks you seeming uninterested.

• and it does hurt.

• that your own husband never seemed interested in you.

• that though you’ve fallen in love with him despite the arrangement,

• he’s never fallen in love with you.

• “Um..” you choke on your breath. “More or less.”

• he hums in response while removing his tie. “I’ll be flying to Jeju sunday morning to meet with Yeosang. So I’ll be home all of saturday. That okay?”

• you don’t see why he’s asking for confirmation.

• he’d do it anyway without one.

• “O-okay.”

• he watches you from the corner of his eyes.

• wondering why you’ve never felt detested by the relationship in spite of your shyness.

• for someone like him,

• he thinks you two are an odd couple.

• that you two would have never been one if not for the marriage contract.

• but three years has taught him better

• “And where will you be going?”

• you sniffle while zipping you’re bags, letting loose your messily tied up hair. “Japan. I’ll be meeting with a... an investor.”

• it’s not entirely a lie.

• just..

• you won’t be meeting the investor in terms of business.

• “For how long will this be for?”

• you mentally think, why was he getting curious?

• he’s never once cared.

• if it doesn’t matter to him, he shouldn’t even ask.

• “The weekend. If things go well, I should be home by Sunday.”

• he doesn’t know why.

• why it hurt him that you forgot.

• that he didn’t intend to do much this Saturday but stay home and eat dinner with you.

• maybe talk about work and relieve some stress.

• but he’d think by now you’d appreciate the anniversary.

• that he’d mean just as much as you do to him.

• “Sunday?”

• you don’t notice the hidden annoyance.

• thinking, talking to him was like talking to a wall.

• “Seonghwa doesn’t want to stay for less than a day. And well, since my schedule seems free and no appointments have been made, I made some time for him.”

• you speak to your husband like a business woman.

• how fucking senile, right?

• how honorable you two are.

• how much pride you think San has over you.

• just two people in a marriage contract.

• nothing less and nothing more.

• but San’s overwrought though.

• the hints of displeasure from you sensible in his tone.

• “Seonghwa? Park Seonghwa?”

• his mind blurs.

• crazed in a frenzy.

• at the sound of another man in place of him.

• “He’s invited me to his Japan retreat.”

• you look at San for the first time in a long time.

• and you think there was something different about him.

• his hair looked the same.

• his god like features were still in tact.

• was it his lips?

• his eyebrows?

• oh...

• OH.

• “You are aware of our own affairs this Saturday, correct?”

• you think he’s crazy.

• that he can’t pin you down.

• for not even caring for the past two— no three years.

• he had no right to ask you if you were aware.

• especially on a day he’s never celebrated with you before.

• “San, I think you’re the one unaware of our affairs this Saturday. Seeming as though you tend to forget for every year that’s passed, don’t you think you’re being too much?”

• his jaw clenches.

• eyes blinking,

• getting dizzy and filled with rage.

• — jealousy and betrayal.

• how could you think of another man?

• when he was always right in front of you!

• “I-I never forget!”

• you’re flabbergasted.

• completely disbelieved.

• “You never forget? The first, spending it with another woman. And the second with your friends in Bali? You never forget?”

• his jaw clenches and he’s in denial.

• in denial that he neglected you.

• he doesn’t feel like he did.

• “I called you. The day of and—“

• the way your lips frown makes him uneasy.

• unsettled that he’s made you so unhappy.

• he didn’t even realize...

• that he was too much.

• and not enough at the same time.

• “Then I don’t think me calling you would be much of a difference.”

• you blink away refraining from tears.

• starting to believe this arrangement meant more to him than you inititially thought.

• that fact actually hurting you more than when you thought he didn’t care.

• cause now that you know he did,

• why did he neglect you all these years?

• “I don’t know, Seonghwa... do you think I should go home?”

• Japan was fun.

• Seonghwa making your day nice and all.

• but you hated knowing San might be home.

• alone with his stresses.

• his questionable decisions that often made him resort to the unnecessaries.

• only knowing that as his wife.

• when as his wife, regardless of what happens,

• it’s your duty to cherish him as your husband.

• “You love him even though you think he doesn’t love you?”

• you sadly smile, lips buried in a scarf San gave you last christmas.

• “He might be a lousy husband. But he’s still mine.”

• Seonghwa found you admirable.

• never understood why San didn’t.

• “San may as well be the luckiest man on the planet. The dumbest one too.”

• you miss San.

• even though he was rarely there.

• you appreciated the things he gave you.

• like being your husband even though he sucks at it.

• “It’s still pretty early in SK. You might be able to make it before midnight if you leave for the airport now.”

• you look at Seonghwa with dreamy eyes.

• thinking if you hadn’t been so strung on San falling in love with you,

• you would’ve dared him to.

• “Go. And make sure he makes up for being the lousy husband he’s been.” Seonghwa kisses you on the forehead before taking your hand. “As successful as he is, adapting to loving you can’t be too difficult. Not something he isn’t capable of, don’t you agree?”

• you’re racing against time.

• three minutes away from your penthouse.

• ten minutes away from Sunday.

• your mind’s made up.

• guilty for being ungrateful.

• timid about being his wife.

• San insisted he stopped smoking months ago.

• but the copious amount of musk in the apartment was uncanny.

• you see empty bottles of liquor stranded on the floor.

• music at full volume.

• his figure staring out the balcony quiet and lonely.

• it’s not all his fault.

• because you sometimes forget,

• San used to come home to you.

• “Cheers to your wedding anniversary, San.” you hear him sigh. lit cigarette falling at his feet. “To the one failure you couldn’t afford.”

• you smile in small font.

• suddenly wrapping your scarf around his waist, pulling him into you.

• “Y-y/n?”

• he was drunk, you mentally note.

• whipping him around.

• still dreamy eyed regardless.

• “What are you.. I thought you’d still be in Japan?”

• “And I thought you’d be out with friends.” you mumble hoping he’d react sober. “Didn’t we agree on no smoking in the house?”

• “Stopped.” he answers breathless, weirdly looking sober while staring down at you. “I stopped, remember? Started today because.. because I didn’t have you.”

• “S-san you’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

• you think his hands are filthy.

• from doing the things he used to do before meeting you.

• but you let him hold you.

• his trembling disappearing when he does.

• you curl against his palm and softly smile.

• “I haven’t.. I haven’t been good to you, have I?”

• you place your fingers over his and hum. “Well I can’t blame you for doing what you’re only capable of.”

• “I am capable! I am capable of loving you. I am..”

• you want to giggle.

• because you used to hate drunk San.

• when he’d come home gurgling.

• babbling like a baby.

• “You’re drunk, San.”

• “Y-you think so?”

• you wonder how drunk San really is.

• drunk words speaking sober thoughts, you know.

• but was he hammered enough to kiss you?

• “San, do you want to kiss me?”

• your husband pouts.

• eyes saying yes.

• waiting for you to do it.

• “Well?”

• “I-is it okay?”

• “San, I’m your wife. You don’t need my permission, dummy.”

• he’s not drunk.

• not drunk enough.

• wanted to kiss you sober.

• wants to kiss you now.

• “I don’t want.. don’t you to hate me, y/n. Don’t want you to think I’m too much.”

• so you lean up and press a kiss onto his potted lips.

• his eyes processing slow.

• “Do you think I’m too much?”

• you chuckle, nodding softly. “Yes San. I do think you’re too much.”

• “B-but you still love me, right? When I’m not there. And you like being my wife?”

• of course you do.

• I mean, through thick, it might have been difficult to.

• but you still do.

• “I didn’t sign the contract for just business, San. I wanted to love you, you know? Wanted you to love me.”

• he doesn’t need to think twice,

• about why people fall in love with you.

• about why he’s fallen in love with you.

• “Can we start over? As husband and wife. T-tomorrow when I’m sober. Can you come with me to Jeju?”

• you don’t need to think twice either.

• your schedule’s usually free.

• but you agree because it’s San who asks you.

• it’s San who wants you to make the time.

• “Let’s start tonight. By you taking a shower and sleeping beside me? You think you can do that for me, San?”

• his eyes say yes.

• and so does his lips.

• kissing you through his intoxication.

• knowing he’s capable of loving you.

• drunk or sober.

• “For the record, I like being your husband too.”

@atinybitofau

[nightswithkookmin]

I am a hard Taekook shipper but recently Jikook have been melting my heart by being so cute and cudly and loving. I understand and i am sorry for so mhch hate from Taekookers but trust me Taekookers are a bit shaken right now. I cannot disclose my name here but i would like to say if Jikook is real or they decide to come out which i higly doubt then i am 100% in support and also ur page helped me open my eyes and see a diff sude of shipping which is needed alot more. I am Loving Love ryt now.

C'est la vie!

So sorry for the late response love. You've always been on my mind.

I get not every Taekooker is wild and rabid just as not every Joker is sane and fake woke. Lol.

I mean I'm still holding on to my grudge against your people for storming my business pages and leaving shit reviews on my books- and laughing about it? What was that? Damn. Had to change my author name and everything and I've since been publishing under an alias- let me tell you, it's no fun at all.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have called y'all's ship dead- but honestly it dead, it dried up like a drop of sweat on a dessert. What can I say? People just don't want the truth, lol- had these angry thirteen year olds and fake woke Jokers coming for my ass and my business ass on the flamingo app. Chilee. Your people don't want to be civil. Sigh.

Some people just have no sense of personal responsibility and when they get called out for it they slap you with the whole, 'no one asked you to put yourself and your business out there' - this creepy behavior and mental adroitness is not far from rapists blaming girls for wearing short shorts and mini skirts or thieves blaming people for not putting up a fence and shit to protect their property. It's fucked up.

And don't get me started on what they do to Jimin or JK... or even Tae- not to make you feel bad or anything. It's just my people suck, your people suck, we all suck square- don't apologize for it unless you plan on doing something to change it?

As for Taekook, yea I don't think there is anything wrong with shipping them. They have a beautiful bond, they are both visuals and both funny as hell. If you won't ship them I will. Lol.

Just know the reason you are shipping them? If you are shipping them because you genuinely believe they are a couple too then you need to stop shipping them and start supporting them?

And once you start supporting them then I think you'd sooner realize there isn't anything there to support in the first place. Lol.

I support Jikook because I believe with my full chest they are real and are closeted- emphasis on closeted. And for the record, they are the only queer couples in BTS.

Tae lost his queer card when he accidentally outed Jimin on that radio show. 'I think he likes men' yea, straight up het behavior. Lack of homo sensitivity.

Did you see JK's reaction when JM was asked to spill tea on their pervy behaviors behind cams? My butt quivered. Chilee, I thought he was gone out JK too. Damn.

I think the word real and closeted have come loose and cheap on these streets these days. I don't think most of these shippers when they throw it around fully understand the term or realise what it means and what it takes. If they did, they wouldn't randomly be labeling every ship as 'real' within the fandom.

If you believe Taekook is real and that they are equally hiding their sexuality as well as their relationship within the group, then you should understand how severe and traumatizing this fact is and would be for them as gay men?

The thing is, they are not just hiding parts of themselves and their identity for the sake of their careers or military or whatever if they are real, they are lying to millions, millions of people at a time about who they really are by keeping their identity a secret. Secrets are lies honey, however way we want to see it.

If they are real then they are concealing their true identity away from not just their families and friends- if they haven't come out to them, but acquaintances from work, businesses who wouldn't work with them otherwise, brands, sponsors, Heads of states, their fans....

It's one thing for a heterosexual to keep their heterosexual relationship a secret, it's another for a queer person to keep their queerness and or queer relationship a secret.

A lie as heavy as this is bound to take a toll on them, no matter how good they are at hiding it. A secret gets heavy before it gets easy. Not to sell you on anything but do you see any such secret taking a toll on Taekook? Because I see it taking a toll on Jikook.

Do you believe Taekook are closeted? Because I believe Jikook are.

Being closeted means they have to carry the guilt of knowing that each time they pander to heteronormative roles in variety shows or interviews, or imply by omissions that they are straight, or make generalizing statements about their sexuality to avoid addressing their sexuality directly or give it away, that they are lying to people and spewing half truths- seven years in a roll.

Being closeted is not a joke. It's heavy. I think you need to grasp this before you claim it for anyone.

People like to throw the 'closeted' phrase around willy nilly but fail to comprehend its weight and complexity and consequences especially for people that they believe are actually queer.

It's not easy lying to people about who you are. Unless you are a pathological liar and a psychopath, it's like drowning each day you wake up. You die a little each time. Your sexuality is a huge part of your identity and when you deny it for so long by lying and suppressing it, it's like shutting out a peice of yourself and silencing your own voice. The more you push it aside the louder it screams and the harder it fights to come out.

It's a state of constant internal struggle. You wake up everyday contemplating whether to risk the perfect life you've spent years building just so you can turn off the guilt that comes with keeping a secret of this nature.

And each time you get better at omitting or generalizing and evading questions that hint at your truth, the more you hate yourself and the more guilt you feel. This guilt can become a driving force that pushes you to make risky moves and take impulsive actions such as 'borderline outing your relationship'- does that sound like Taekook to you?

If you are not driven by the love you feel for your partner, you are driven by the guilt and neither is a great place to be if you are queer.

You lie everyday, you get caught up in the lies and soon you start believing in the web of lies you've woven around yourself such that you don't even recognize who you are or why you are, anymore. As such, you are constantly searching for yourself, to reconcile the bits you've hidden away and perhaps forgotten, and you keep exploring your identity because you are unsettled- honey, that sounds more like Jikook than Taekook to me but c'est la vie.

Being closeted is not about moments that get cut by editors, or less interactions, or being seperated or seated further apart from eachother. These are just ship street parlance. Being closeted is an attitudinal, internal attribute rather than external manipulations or influences- it's a science. Lol

Coming out may be risky for any of these boys if they are real, but I promise you hiding is much harder for them.

And so When I look at Taekook, and I see how beautiful they are yet I don't in God's honest truth see them 'dealing' with any or all of these struggles Jikook deal with or have dealt with at one point, in my opinion- forget the homophobia, the wanting to come out, the low key microaggressions they deal with even within the group- 'the Jk never stops crying,' 'the real men don't do this and that talk' talk, the toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia traits JK and Jimin used to exhibit in their early days talking about 'real men don't twerk,' 'real men don't wear rings on their pinky'- all the times Jimin have had to defend his masculinity or even femininity, or stand up for Kook's within the group. 'Men, men, men. What is men?'

Jikook are the only two within the group that in my opinion have struggled most with their identity, with embracing aspects of themselves; you hear them complain about 'living a lie' 'tired of hiding, lying' and all these are themes consistent with closet behavior that they've both explored in one way or the other and even as of 2020 they are still dealing with or 'exploring' their identities perhaps as a means to reconcile their true selves? I'm really struggling with this post because I don't wanna get salesy on your ass. Lol.

Don't get me wrong, Tae struggles and deals with issues too- mostly with loneliness, lowkey depression in my opinion, lowkey bullying- sometimes, lol and he often expresses a desire to find someone and be happy and yet 'his supporters' don't recognize that...

You can wait till Jikook come out officially as queer, if they ever chose to, to support them- Or you can choose to support them and love them now because that's what they need in order to officially come out as and when they choose to? Ok I'm being salesy. Lmho. I'll stop. Don't mind me. But think about it.

Ship whatever ship you want but support Jikook. It's all I'm asking. And by support, I mean don't exhibit any anti homosexual attitude towards them- deadass. You and I gone fight, square up toe to toe, if you do. Lol.

People don't need to be afraid of Jikook. They just need to treat them as human beings and not reduce them to a mere ship. They are a ship too yes, but they are more than that if you ask me.

You sound nice. I love you. I'm glad you enjoy my posts. Merry Christmas and cheers to our ships.

Keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

[teabooksandsweets]

Pandorian Problems

It’s time for my occasional, that is sporadic, what I mean is unregularly-but-now-and-then-happening post about SSO, and also SsL, and even OSS, which you can interpret as meaning Old Star Stable or Original Star Stable, depending on whether you consider those games the old games, or the original games.

As not-exactly-usual, but certainly as often, my current concern is Pandoria. You might have guessed so from the title. And it’s about some problems, which you might have gathered as well.

I really wonder just how pink Pandoria is supposed to be in Star Stable Online. And I also wonder how much it’s supposed to be the “pink hell” (which it really isn’t, but I’m not sure of SSE understand that) as commonly called on here.

The “pink hell”

Is Pandoria pink in SSO? I wonder. We see it as a rather muted purple, with some pink sky and details, but not nearly as pink as it is in SsL. But then again, it is described as extremely pink in the Soul Riders books.

Now there’s three possibilities:

Pandoria looks the way it looks in SSO and that is meant by the pink description in the books, because that’s clearly pink enough.

Pandoria used to be extremely brightly pink but somehow got darker and more purple.

The part of Pandoria described in the books is also the part that appears in SsL and therefore bright pinkt, whereas the darker, purpler part of Pandoria we see in SSO is an entirely different part altogether.

We know for sure that it is a different part in SSO. The part with the Fripp statue, and the old temple-ish building, etc. is obviously in a different area of Pandoria. Why shouldn’t it look different in different places? It’s a whole planet (we’ll get to that later) and one might expect a planet to have different landscapes. But is it like that for sure? And if it’s the second possibility, then what turned it so dark? (The first would be easy to explain—just as the nights are rather light in SSO compared to OSS, for instance, it’s just made to be better for the players’ eyes.)

The “pink hell”

This is a fact: Pandoria is not Star Stable hell.

It definitely isn’t in Starshine Legacy, and it couldn’t logically be in Star Stable Online. Not only does hell imply something at least loosely based on the concept of hell, which it clearly isn’t, Pandoria is not even, as usually claimed, an evil place.

Pandoria is different. Pandoria is not some sort of underworld, or just a magic dimension, it is actually a planet that could be physically reached, if one had the necessary technology. Even though SSO strayed far from the canon of the old games, and even though the UFO has been ignored by SSE for years, the references to aliens on Jorvik have never really ceased, they were even mentioned in the most recent quests.

Pandoria can also be reached on a magical or spiritual sphere, it is “a place within all of use” (and of course, that could be a sort of internal heaven or hell of mind or soul, or whatever intended here) and its connection to the Soul Riders is on a different level than just some other planet in space.

But Pandoria is not evil. It is, essentially, a different place. It has a different atmosphere (literally, not meaning a different mood, but an actually different atmosphere) and its different sense of scale and realness, etc. is not due to being evil but being simply and plainly a planet that works differently than Earth.

The only definitely Pandorian creatures we ever met in the game (aside from the rays) are Fripp and Ydris. Ydris is a definite example of a being that isn’t intentionally evil, but in every sense alien to our world, and unable to really function in accordance with another world’s nature and physical (as well as, yes, moral) laws.

I know there’s many theories about Fripp actually being evil, maybe because his entire demeanor is so different from his portrayal in the old games and comics, but even those don’t make sense with an “officially” evil Pandoria. If Fripp were evil, then why should he and his followers claim that his home was basically hell? No, no matter if Fripp is good or bad (or different, as he clearly is!) it’s clear that Fripp loves Pandoria, that he longs for Pandoria and that he would never consider it a place of an evil nature.

(In fact, I am quite convinced that Fripp needs Pandoria, and that his exile has a terrible effect on his physical and mental state, and that in order to recover him he might actually need to go there, but that is a different matter.)

The evil in SSO—or supposed evil, for those who love the “the baddies are good and the goodies are bad” theories—came to Pandoria and to Earth/Jorvik from a different planet altogether. Garnok and his Generals are not Pandorian, and they have a terrible influence on Pandoria as well as on Jorvik.

And I have to say, a real problem for me is the effect Pandoria supposedly had on Anne. If it was actually Pandoria. For Evergray, it makes sense, as he is a normal man from Earth, and therefore in a place so physically against his nature, that he simply couldn’t endure in the atmosphere of another planet without long-term damage. (This, again, is why I honestly think that Fripp needs Pandoria, and that Ydris might not be too well of on Jorvik either.)

But Anne is the Sun of Pandoria. All Soulriders are connected to Pandoria, in some ways, deep down, from Pandoria, and so are their horses. But Anne belongs to Pandoria in a whole different way, she is essential to it, Pandoria needs Anne, and Anne naturally belongs there. Of course, she does have a human body, and maybe it was damaged by the atmosphere over a long time (although not nearly as badly as one might expect) and I personally think that DarkCore did much worse to her than the place itself.

But Anne is practically a goddess to Pandorian people. If Pandoria were a “pink hell” then Anne (and Lisa, and Linda, and Alex, and we—and the horses) were evil. Anne would be the Sun of Hell. Which she isn’t—obviously.

But Anne can be negatively effected by the harm done to Pandoria. And of course, physically she is a human of our Earth. That’s absolutely clear. She isn’t a Pandorian, in that sense. But she isn’t unconnected to it either.

Pandorian Problemsolving

I know that SSE have strayed fundamentally from the storyline of Starshine Legacy. But they still use some old pictures, reference old places and plots, and even mention the extraterrestial parts of the game. The observatories still play an important part (they even brought an astronomer and an alien together) and they never really made a clear cut from the old stories.

I don’t see why it should be difficult to put it all together. I mean—I made up all sorts of plausible, interwoven storylines to fill plotholes in the gap between SsL and OSS for an imaginary MMO set on Jorvik before SSO even existed, and before I knew what an MMO is, and I continued to do so after starting to play SSO and could still logically put a lot together with all the new storylines and inconsistancies brought into the game.

It is still perfectly possible for SSE to make sense of it all, to show Pandoria as it truly is—not good or bad, but different, and deeply connected to the Soul Riders—and fit in the old aspects of the stories with the new.

As for Fripp, I know many dislike him—but he, too, is a being of Pandoria, and his concern is to fight a very specific evil (that is, Garnok, and his followers) and to protect Jorvik as well as his actual home, without having much understanding for every personal sensitivity of every single human being he works with, and who belong to a species he simply cannot really understand.

Pandoria is dangerous, but it is also endangered, and the Soul Riders are partly beings of Pandoria, their souls are connected to Pandoria, and the common enemy is of an entirely different nature altogether. Pandoria really shouldn’t be portrayed as safe or cute, but also not as a sort of evil otherworld, but as a connected, but different place of great importance, and with deep connection to the story and its actors, including the good and the bad.

Ideas / Theories / Suggestions / Whatever

maybe Pandoria got darker because its sun was darkened

Garnok and his Generals are also from a different planet and also of a different nature than Earth and Pandoria and maybe that could be important for future storylines, except I don’t know how

Mario is an astronomer and Ydris is an alien and I want to see how that plays out in the future

does it make difference to travel to Pandoria by actual space travel rather than through portals/rifts, and if yes, how?

really, what about Fripp’s physical state, and what could bringing him to Pandoria (I know he’s in exile) or bringing him something from Pandoria do to him (e.g. food, medicine, whatever)

what about Pandorian people, more Pandorian people, especially horse people

I still wonder if those Pandorian horsepeople work like Egyptian gods—maybe they don’t have human bodies with horse heads, but can actually appear as humans or horses—who would be seperated into a human and a horse on Earth

[thebadchoicemachine]

Lark

Heads up: takes place in the middle of a story, like a chapter from a book. really just a character introduction. SO all you need to know is Karl, Quackity, and Sapnap got split into different parts of themselves and Lark had to help manually put them back together while Karl was fixing himself. 

tw, a lot of existential and metaphysical talk. 

----

The three figures stood a ways from him. He watched as they felt themselves, felt each other, hugged each other. He could see them. He listened as they laughed, as relief and apologies seeped from their voices. He knew he could hear them. He observed as they grew closer, as they understood they had seen and felt parts they had hidden from each other. He knew what feeling was. 

Still, he only stood. He could experience that, it had been hours but it still was so odd. That’s another thing, he was aware of time, he understood ‘then’ and ‘now’ and ‘later.’ He knew what awkwardness was as one of the now complete figures caught his eye. (Quackity, he knew he was called Quackity.) He didn’t do anything to shake the gaze, only slowly blinking. Quackity reached over to tap the other (Sapnap) for attention. They leaned over each other whispering. 

He knew Karl. He was- he wasn’t Karl. He wasn’t even close to being Karl but he knew him. He held every thought and feeling he’d had but only in the back of his mind. They weren’t his thoughts or feelings, he just knew what Karl knew to an extent.

He didn’t exactly... know... what to do. He had needed to put Quackity and Sapnap together while Karl worked on unfragmenting himself. That had been simple. A set of instructions driving his movements. A need, a goal, one set for him. Just like always but- no, this was different. This was so very different, he’d never needed to come up with one on his own. He’d never wanted to. 

He could want. 

He’d always had objectives but here he had a desire to complete them. Before he simply... did. It was so strange how he’d attempted to do his purpose. He had needed Karl to understand what he didn’t even understand because he didn’t understand anything until a little while ago. He didn’t know, he just was. He didn’t try, he just did. He had been teaching without even existing himself, no wonder Karl had never caught on! He still had his original purpose but he was so much more than that now. 

He now had words and thoughts and... feelings... he’d deal with that one later. For now, he had to figure out- he needed to- oh, this was so much. He wished he... he... ugh, words were so strange to work with. Even in his mind, the preemptive nature of everything and the blaring constant of hindsight and foresight, it was all at once and yet so much slower. He needed to calm down, reorganize himself like Karl did when overwhelmed. He knew how to do that, didn’t he? 

Find a point to begin thinking. He wanted to have a clear mind. He wanted. He had a will. That was... odd. He was certain he wasn’t capable of that before. He’d always been, of course. Before Karl was even fully tied together at all he had been. He’d simply been something else. Something soft and notional, something abstract and far less... aware. He (in fact, was it even he? He. His. Him. Himself. Yes, he didn’t mind that. Oh. That was weird, being able to mind or not mind something.) 

“Hey!” 

He didn’t jump, although he felt he should have. He had been lost in thought. Huh. That was almost familiar. It reminded him of how he had been before, the way it required much less... consciousness. 

“HEY! Hello?” 

A finger jabbed into his shoulder. Quackity was prodding him while Sapnap peered inquisitively, both studying him with absolutely no idea what they were looking for. Karl stared from behind them, emotions also quizzical but jarringly relatable. He assumed Karl felt similarly to him; after all, they were experiencing the same thing. Meeting each other. Karl, of course, hadn’t needed to understand it while splintered but now- oh right, he experienced time now and had not responded to their addressing of him in the appropriate span. Huh. He opened his mouth to remedy the situation but squeaked, finding himself at a loss of articulation. He had- he knew- how did he express? What was this? His inability to answer made him feel… he felt… oh! Oh, he was frustrated. That didn’t help him at all but it was neat to know.

“What’s da matter with this one?” Quackity demanded, still poking him. “Why hasn’t it gone back into Karl? Is this bad? What do we do?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t look like it’s responding.” Sapnap loudly clapped in front of him. He felt himself jerk against his will at the smack. What? Why? It was custom and completely expected to flinch at such disturbances but he hadn’t reacted in such ways… yet…

Oh.

Oh, he was aware now. 

Uh oh. Oh. Oh? He was aware of being aware, he had been for hours now, but suddenly it was sinking in. He was aware of how much he took in without being aware of it. Sounds, smells, sights, the feel of the air, it all fizzled around him. He was him. He’d- he’d essentially just been born (even though he’d existed for much, much, longer). Oh wow. He could think, he could truly know, he could understand, he was him. Hmm. Now that he needed to use his newfound ability to think he found it… a lot. 

“Mmmhh,” without meaning to, he let out a light groan. 

“OH FUCK!” Quackity jumped back. “It said somethin’!” 

“What’s with its face? It looks like a loading screen. Is it your skepticism or cognizance or something?” Sapnap turned to Karl, who still mirrored him but seemed to be able to sort his words better. Practice, he supposed. Karl closed his mouth into a small, almost apologetic, smile, and straightened himself. He wondered when he would be able to settle and organize his thought so well. The way Karl was able to back-shelf what was most likely the same, or at least a similar, swarm of thoughts and feelings sparked something of a soft envy in him. 

Karl opened his mouth again, stuttering faintly as he found the words to properly answer. “That’s not me.”

“No... I’m not,” he latched onto Karl’s statement like a lifeline but it barely showed in his, unbroken and unused, monotone voice. He guessed he was… relieved? Was that it? He was relieved they couldn’t see his struggle. 

“Woah,” Sapnap took a step back. He understood. Unlike him and Karl, who were off because they knew they didn’t know, Quackity and Sapnap had zero understanding at all. It was probably bizarre to have him sound and look like Karl yet speak and act with such a desaturated, inexperienced, difference. 

“So... wait- what?” 

“I am not Karl. I am... an ‘other.’ The Other.” 

“Why were you a part of- where did it- he- come from then?” 

“Yeah...” Karl tilted his head, squinting. “Uh, I don’t know.” 

“WHAT?” 

“I mean, I know him, sort of, just can’t... understand it exactly?” 

“I am your other. You’re place in the Inbetween, your existence, is tied with mine. I am something like a loose thread from your tapestry except sewn into one of my own. I know you and you know me, I am a part of you and you are a part of me, but we are not each other. We’re... complimentary in existence.” 

“Huh?”

“What?” 

“I get that... and I also don’t,” Karl frowned, squinting more. “Where did you come from? I know you were always here but now you’re...” he trailed off making a motion with his hands. 

“Uh, forgive me. Words and thoughts are new. I am not- I was not before. Not me, anyway. I’ve existed for a very long time but I was not aware. Being a person is recent. Extremely recent. Like, hours ago recent. The only reason I’m so functional is that I have your understanding to go off of but, clearly, I am in need of experience.” 

“Hours ago... you mean when we split?”

“Yes. My understanding is when you were split all parts of you were completely severed from each other, including me. Had I been cognizant at the time I would have described it as... terrifying. Uh- lonely. We are connected and I had never been not with you. Though, I was not me yet so it’s okay... I guess. Besides, It only lasted a few moments as the Inbetween began to put you back together. When that happened I think it shook something in me, being completely separated and then so strongly reattached opened something. I was rebooted, essentially, and now I have a mind just like you do.” He curled and uncurled his fingers as he spoke, realizing something. “And... my own form? I suppose?” 

“Hold on,” Quackity interrupted. “If youse was- or rather wasn’t, how do you know about before you became aware? Why aren’t you like an infant? At least mentally?” 

“As I said before, I know of everything Karl knows… in a way.”

“What way is that?”

“Uh, I don’t know everything he knows, I don’t have a copy of his mind or anything, but I know of everything. As to how I remember when I didn’t have a mind? I don’t know exactly. All I can say is it’s like remembering thoughts from when you were asleep. Not a dream, just when you’re collecting moments but not awake. Does that make sense?”

“Uh, not really, but carry on,” Sapnap shrugged. “What are you?” 

“Uh, okay… let me… make words. Hmm, so, imagine if your shadow or reflection came to life. It’s not you, right? It’s not you at all, you are completely separate things, but there is still such a strong association. I am Karl’s reflection.” He looked towards the reflective walls and pointed at the lack of him and Karl. “I am literally Karl’s reflection. I am not only that but that is how I manifested before (and still do, I guess).” 

“Woah,” Sapnap whispered as he realized the lack of reflection. 

The four stood in silence for a moment. He blinked, waiting for a response but got nothing. Was this his first awkward silence? Huh. It felt much less than he thought it would, although he might just still be numb in terms of reactions. Maybe they were just waiting on him? Was it his job to break the silence in this situation? He shrugged internally, he might as well try. “Well, that’s mostly it. I’m here now. Hello.” He gave a light wave. 

“Wait, so what are you?” 

“I just expl-“ 

“No, no, no, I get the metaphysical stuff” Karl waved dismissively “but you’re not just my reflection. You’re... a part of me like you said before but I’m not just a part of you. You have something else going on, right? What were you before now? What are you? Or, I guess I’m asking ‘why’ are you. I feel like- I know you have a purpose that isn’t just being the opposite of me.”

“Right!” His eyes lit up, remembering an old goal. He needed to correct Karl, to get him to start functioning the way he was meant to. “I am not your opposite! I am your inverse. I do the work you do not, as you do the work I do not.” 

“Huh?” 

“The reason you were- well, you weren’t really created. That would imply some kind of intent that was not there. The role you were evolved to fill. To collect, to round, to fight and stabilize the contents I protect and care for.“

“Contents?”

“Of... everything. There are- I- I- cannot think of how to- you’ll have to excuse me, I just became less than a day ago and have, without hyperbole, all of existence to explain. I am not used to using words. Or understanding. Or even knowing really. I was a concept with just a driving force and now being able to want and understand when I fail and it all.... oh. Yeah. I’m struggling.” He stumbled back, feeling lightheaded. The reality of it all would not stop crashing over him. It was very inconvenient and uncomfortable and he would very much like for it to stop. 

He must have visibly paled because the others immediately began showing concern. “It’s okay! Calm down a little, let’s talk about something else. Don’t strain yourself,” Sapnap pleaded. 

Quackity looked like he was getting ready to catch him, as if he was going to faint. “Yeah, like, um, why was Karl made alive but you weren’t?” 

“Oh,” he snatched onto the change of subject, thankful. He did not want to keep experiencing being overwhelmed. “Karl wasn’t made anything.”

“Wait, huh? What does that mean?” Karl asked, almost offended in his shock.

“You weren’t supposed to be a person. As I said before, you weren’t ‘created’ exactly.” 

“Uh, what? I’m not... supposed to be me? A person? I’m like, broken because I’m self-aware? That’s messed up.”

“No, no, that’s not what I mean. You weren’t supposed to be anything. Person, not person, a force, an object, an animal, there’s not exactly anything wrong with you. In fact, you function perfectly it’s just your instinct was overshadowed by your mind.”

“Function?”

“You developed to fix a problem. It doesn’t matter what you are the same way it doesn’t matter what color trees are, so long as they make oxygen to support their ecosystem. So, no, I don’t think you were intended to be a person but you weren’t intended to be anything else, either. You can’t really be flawed when there was no plan to begin with.”

“Wh- s- are you saying I- me, Karl, as myself, a person with thoughts and emotions and a will and mind of my own, my existing was an accident?” 

He tisked his tongue. “Uh. Yes.” 

“Wow.” Karl took a long breath. “Wow.” 

“Are you upset? You shouldn’t be, everything in the universe is incidental, there’s no real plan except everything’s function to thrive. Wills are superficial to existence and meaning. Heck, I’m an accident you just caused!” It was true, his current existence as he experienced it was completely incidental! He very well could have just not been the way he is. He could have, so simply, never existed. Ever... oh. He shuddered, checking existentialism off the experiences he’d had and shoving it away with iron force.

“No, I’m not insulted or anything, it’s just- wow.”

“Yeah. That’s fair I guess. Anyway,” he lightly clapped his hands together. If the conversation was over then he should leave, right? That was the correct thing to do? He didn’t want- he didn’t want to think about wanting. Or not existing. He would just leave. “Quackity, Sapnap, nice to meet you and all your sides. I guess we had a more intimate introduction than most, what with me explaining my entire existence and you being divided into the rawest versions of yourselves. Karl, I already know about you. Um, Goodbye.” He held up his hand and began to walk towards the reflective walls.

“Hey, wait!” Quackity grabbed his shoulder. He stopped, waiting patiently.  “What... are we gonna see youse again? What’s da deal now that you are what you are?” 

“Now? I will go adjust. You will most certainly see me again, yes. I want to stop wanting for now, everything is a lot of things. Goodbye.”

“Okay, bye, but... what should we call you?” 

That caught him off guard. He took a step away from the wall, frowning. “Call... me?”

“Oh yeah! I assume you don’t just want to be referred to as ‘Not-Karl’ or something. Do you have a name?” Sapnap stepped up. 

“Uh...” His brow furrowed, eyes darting around slightly. “I haven’t... thought about that...” A name. Huh. It hadn’t even crossed his mind. 

“Do you want to pick one out? We can help, I chose my name based from one of the first worlds I ever visited. Since there’s no one here, we could list some and you could see if you like any?”

“Um,” he frowned. That didn’t sound very appealing. “I don’t think I want to choose one from someone else’s. I don’t have many opinions on sounds yet so picking one based on phonetics feels... wrong.”

“That’s okay, and you can always pick another one later.” 

“I guess so.”

“Something more personal based then?”

“That’s tricky, we don’t know much about him yet,” Quackity pointed out. “He don’t even know much about him.” 

“What about-“ Sapnap spoke up. “You said you were the ‘inverse’ right? What about that? Or Mirror, or Reflection, or Other.”

He shifted, frowning. “It’s correct,” he started “but it’s kind of like calling you ‘demon.’ More of a title or description, not really a name.” 

“How about Lrak?” Quackity suggested. “It’s Karl backward.” 

He made a face. “I think I’ve just got my first phonetic opinion. I do not like how that sounds.” Not to mention it was a little... obvious. He didn’t want to base his entire newfound identity around not being Karl, although Karl was a big part of him. He wouldn’t mind paying homage. In fact, that did seem like a good place to come from. He wasn’t Karl but he also wasn’t not Karl. Hmm. He looked back up, getting better at tuning in and out on purpose, to find them chittering off ideas. “Hey,” he interrupted. “What about Lark?” They stopped and turned to him. 

“Lark?” 

“It’s... an anagram of Karl,” he tilted his head, not looking at anything, just thinking “but it’s also its own, despite and including its origins. Lark. What do you think?”

“Hey, don’t fuckin matter what we think,” Quackity snapped, almost accusatory. “What’s important is how youse feel. Do you like it?” 

He was a little taken aback at the aggressive support. It was true though, he realized, none of them should get a say. It wasn’t that he was trying to please them, he simply didn’t have a strong opinion on much... but he could. It dawned on him he could have all the care or apathy he wanted. “Lark,” he said the name aloud again, rolling it across his tongue, focussing on feeling, comprehending that he could feel. “My name is Lark. My name. Is Lark. Yes. I... I like that,” he smiled. 

“Hurray!” Karl grinned before gripping him into a giant hug. 

He screamed, unprepared for the contact. He could feel his heart was beating against his chest as Karl frantically set him down. “Ah- uh- It’s okay,” he reassured him. “I just- my reactions have broken in, it seems.” 

Karl chuckled, apologetically brushing off his shoulder. “Sorry. I’m just really happy for you, man. Is- is it man?” 

“Man is fine,” he shrugged. “I am like you.”

“Great,” Karl grinned swinging his arms slightly. “I- I’m just stoked you’re something- someone I can talk to now! I mean, you’ve been around forever, but I had no idea what you were. I still don’t, I guess, but this is...” he laughed, gesturing between them.

He, Lark, smiled. He smiled a big, wide, voluntary, and genuine beam for Karl. He felt it too. There was a connection between them that, while it had always been there, hadn’t held any connotations. Now that he was him though he found it was warm and reassuring, familiar and sporadic. It was a part of him. It was a part of them. He didn’t know much about himself yet but he knew that was a very good thing. 

“Lark, I gotta say, having known you literally all my life,” Karl stuck out his hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” 

Lark looked at the hand and cocked his head, blinking. He reached out to take it and pulled Karl in for a (much softer than before) hug but one that still surprised Karl. “...It’s nice to meet you too, Karl. Really.” He felt fuzzy inside as Karl softened from the shock and gently put his arms around him. They stayed together for a beat, it was a wonderful moment to live in. For the first time in his life, short as it had been so far, Lark experienced gratitude. It was nice to meet Karl. It was nice to have a name. It was nice to... be alive. He blinked rapidly, a little confused at the stinging in his eyes. Oh. Tears. His eyes were watering from emotions, that was definitely new. Eventually, Karl gently pulled away.

“So,” he said tenderly, eyeing Lark up and down. “You’re my reflection, huh? Heh, does that make me yours?” 

It was a joke but... “I’m honestly not sure how to answer that. In a way, no. But- I- it’s confusing. I have things I want to explain but don’t understand how yet. In time, I guess. Perhaps with examples. For now though, if you’re my anything, maybe we could be each other’s... um...” he paused, searching for a word that described them. “Brothers? If you want?”

“Lark,” Karl’s tone was suddenly and unnaturally serious. “Do you have any idea what you’ve just said to me?” 

“I- I think? I asked if you-“

“I WOULD LOVE THAT SO MUCH,” he yelled, grabbing Lark by the shoulders with a jolt. “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME. YOU’RE SO SMART AND AMAZING, I’M SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU NOW, I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW MUCH I NEEDED- I...” he sniffled, laughing. “I have a family!” 

He did. Lark grinned, letting him keep his iron grip on his shoulders despite the physical discomfort. It was prodigiously outweighed by the joyous emotions surging through and filling the air. Karl had a family and... so did he. 

“AW-!” 

A sharp wail shattered the moment. Lark and Karl’s heads snapped towards the other two they forgot were there. Quackity had tears streaming down his face, while Sapnap was biting his knuckle, eyes also watery, having had been the one to cry out. 

“Uh- are you guys... alright?” Karl cautiously held out his hands in comfort. 

“Y-yeah! It’s just- that’s- you guys are so sweet.” Sapnap threw his hands up to his face. “This is such a happy moment, I’m so happy for you. You guys found each other after coexisting for so long but never knowing- I- I’m a sucker for family, okay? It’s in my culture. Don’t judge me.”

“Uh-huh,” Quackity nodded, drying his soaked face with his sleeve. “It’s not like we’s crying or nothing.” 

“Aw, you guys...” Karl gave both of them a hug. 

Lark waited until they finished to speak. “Well, for real this time, I think I need to say goodbye. I apologize for rushing away so bluntly. I didn’t realize then... even just in the past few minutes I understand so much more. This has been a lot, as you can imagine, for my first day of cognizance and I would like to take some time existing. Karl, you have a purpose. A role to fill in the universe. Also, I have no idea how to explain it to you.” 

“Oh.” 

“Seriously, it is a miracle I was even able to introduce myself. I genuinely almost passed out a few times during that conversation. Just from the weight of comprehending my own existence. Please understand that, in a sense, I am only a few hours old.” 

“But you sort of existed before me so you’re also kind of older than me, right?”

“Yes. It is hella weird. I wouldn’t worry though, your design is built into you, like how animals are wired to hunt whether they’ve ever seen prey or not. For now, I am off to go get better used to... being, I guess. I intend to continue to experience people, I think I find it much more than just knowing of them. It was... genuinely... very nice to meet you all.” Lark held up his hand in a farewell gesture, waiting to leave until the others returned it, waving and shouting goodbyes and good lucks. 

He smiled as he faced the empty reflective surface. He had no idea how good ‘good’ was. He’d known about the warm feeling inside from Karl but now he had experienced it. It was such a difference he’d never expected... not in all of the (maybe seven? eight?) hours he’d been alive. With one final breathe and thought and feeling, Lark stepped into the Otherside.

[nacrelyses]

okay brain if i make the post will you shut up

so love, me normally can be interpreted in a romantic sense, and it would make sense for it to be interpreted in a romantic sense of someone who desperately wishes they weren’t so different from the norm, so “bad”, so “abnormal”; that they’re so tired of being different and being treated different that they just want to be loved like they’re normal, loved like a nobody

but that’s not what i’m making this post about god damnit keep on track-

[under a read more because it’s very heavy. tw external and internal queerphobia, existential despair, also this is so long oh god 2k words]

 i could make a joke about how “cross my i’s, dot my t’s” is a joke about going on testosterone but uh i’m just going to talk about first stanza 

“I was delivered holding scissors, I live deliberately, I’m a quitter And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game”

this’ll come up later in this long ass post but the child is delivered holding the scissors to cut their own umbilical cord. when a child is born and they are a queer individual, it is up to them to cut the ties that hurt them the most - even the most close and familial ones. in the way that an umbilical cord is cut because the baby no longer needs the mother’s nutrients, the child is born with the inevitable fate of having to cut off those whose approval and love they can no longer thrive off of, or can no longer receive. or, it could be a metaphor for the scissors of fate, where the child is born with their fate in their own hands and they, being an outlier in queerphobic society, must make do with what they’ve got.

“i live deliberately, i’m a quitter” the child lives deliberately in their quest for self discovery and their need to understand and accept their queerness but at the same time they are a quitter in all the things that society considers normal but they cannot utilize to function: a white collar job when the child is an artist, a nuclear family when the child just doesn’t want one, keeping in contact with your parents when the parents do not accept their child.

“And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game” this comes up later in the post as well but yeah the child never agreed to participate in this game of life. they didn’t ask to be a player, but by default of their unwillingness and their lack of consent, they are made a winner because they are the only player at the table of their own life. they are made an unwilling winner for something they never had the consciousness to consent to experience. they can be called “strong” later in life for overcoming queerphobia, lauded as a “winner” over their oppression, but it rings hollow because to be a real winner, you have to have agreed to be playing in the first place. 

and then the chorus, this is pretty obvious. like the 

“And I'd rather be normal. Yes, so normal I suggest that we keep this informal Cause a normal human being wouldn't need To pretend to be normal to be normal Well I guess that's the least that I owe ya To be normal in a way I couldn’t be C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally”

because you know, that could kinda be interpreted as a queer child talking to their queerphobic parents. it doesn’t fucking matter if their parents are proud of them for their grades or their achievements now because no matter what, they’re proud of the persona of the child they’ve constructed for themselves. they’re proud of a fraud. the child knows they’ll never truly be loved the way they are, that their parents will only love who they want the child to be and they’ll only love the image they have of their child. think of it like internalized queerphobia, homophobia, transphobia, the idea that similar to i/me/myself, it would be easier if i were a girl [or cisgender, for a general application] and it would be easier if i were normal. the child would rather be normal in the way their parents see normal and they feel that they owe their parents, for all their parents have done to provide for them and pay for their bills and everything, the bare minimum of pretending to be normal so that they don’t break their parents’ hearts. and it’s really for the sake of everyone in the family because if they’re outed, the parents will argue, the parents will be sad, their siblings will be upset by the arguing and the mourning, they feel as though they owe their family this bare minimum of pretending -  both for their own safety, and for the prosperity of their family. moving on.

“If I could live in third person, well I don’t think life would be much worse than it is In the current tense, presently, this sentence ending in question marks or dot dot dot…”

the child feels like if they were an outsider witnessing their own life in a third person perspective, it still wouldn’t change a lot. or it wouldn’t be much worse, it might actually be better, in a sense, because they’re fully disassociated from the identity that alienates them so from their parents and their parents’ approval. but they’re living in first person, so this sentence (their life, basically, drawing upon how a suicide prevention thing a while back was using a semicolon as a symbol of your life being an author’s sentence) ends in two ways. a question mark, showing how their existence as someone outside the “norm” of a queerphobic society is rife with constant questioning and identity gaslighting because of how “abnormal” it is to deviate from the norm that you are left without many resources to figure yourself out. you die at the end of the day perhaps not even knowing who you truly are because society has not yet normalized terms that could better articulate your identity, and because you can never really know yourself. or, your sentence ends in a dot dot dot. forever unfinished. you leave with so many loose ends - maybe you move out and cut off contact with your family forever, and live perhaps happier but never knowing if they change their mind (oh god now i’m thinking about change your mind from steven universe and how steven’s entire story is a metaphor for the trans experience). maybe you decide to continue pretending and you cut off the option of really getting to know yourself a little bit better, and you die never knowing who you could have been. so living in full disassociation would at the very least not be much worse than how the first person tense currently is.

“I drank myself to death to be the afterlife of the party When the afterparty came, I was rolling in my grave”

no i am not an alcoholic, thank you very much, i am a responsible person. but the substance abuse reference can be applied to any self destructive habit that arises out of a need to cope - in this case, the child’s need to cope with their fractured identity. maybe they turn towards being hyperfeminine or hypermasculine in an attempt to feel connected with their assigned gender, which branches out into so many different destructive habits (aforementioned drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc). they do so to become the “afterlife” of the party - if you think about a “party” as a moment in time, it can be the moment you are in in your life. the child turns towards these destructive habits to try to achieve the unachievable. to bring the afterlife into life, to bring their parents’ false image of the child into fruition when that is never impossible and that in itself becomes destructive. but they do this in the current moment of their life, in the current party, so when the afterparty comes, they’re already dead. when the afterparty comes, they roll in their grave because it’s a hollow call for what they could have been: a more genuine person to themselves, a happier individual free of parents’ queerphobia. 

“I want you to love the way they so seamlessly, like a dream for me, so beautifully, oh so dutifully jam that square peg in the round hole in their hearts”

the bridge monologue is very very romantic-coded and i don’t think i can pull much meaning from the first bit but here, have the “jam the square peg in the round hold in their hearts”. the child has learned to “seamlessly”, like a second instinct, to jam the square peg of their parents’ false image into the round hole in their hearts, to somehow cram something into a space that was never meant to fit and should not be fitted at all. this quote speaks as though it’s the child talking to their parents, telling them, “i want you to love me, but you are only loving me as i am now, when i am literally destroying myself to be who you’re capable of loving”

“I want you to tell 'em that you love the way that they don't stick out like sore middle fingers That they crawl their way up the side of the bell curve, stick their flag in the peak, and slide their way back down I want you to tell them that you love the way that they're not maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent, but rather that you love them exactly the way that everybody else is”

yep. so the bell curve, the statistical graph, the idea that their child could sit perfectly at the average as the cishet kid their parents expected them to be. the way that they’re not “maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent”, which can all be adjectives weaponized in queerphobic rhetoric against the queer community. and the final line, that their parents love the child “exactly the way that everybody else is”. their parents hold their child to a supposed “norm” that does not really exist because of how suppressed queerness is in society, that the norm is most likely not the norm at all and who’s to say what’s a norm? their parents love them when they are “normal” and it feels like that’s the only way they’ll ever be able to love you. they’ll not be able to learn how to love a different you. 

“I was nothing before so I couldn’t have asked to be born I'll be nothing again, so what am I between now and then? Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

deep breath. okay. okay. first of all, will wood’s inflections from the last line of the first bridge all throughout the second bridge are gorgeous and hit so hard. 

but yeah. here we go here we go ho boy

the idea that birth in itself is actually an immoral thing, since children don’t ask to be born. they don’t ask to be brought into this world, to experience this world, to develop mental illnesses and to face queerphobia or discrimination or danger in any sense because of who they are. they don’t ask to be born into a family that consistently alienates them and forces them to keep quiet about something that’s so important to them. and the child, in learning that their parents are queerphobic and will never accept them the way they are, realizes now even more that they never asked to be born. they didn’t ask for this closeted life. they didn’t ask for this kind of pain, this kind of false love, this kind of otherness. they never asked for any of this. 

“i’ll be nothing again...” the idea that life is finite, that they’ll become that “nothing” they were before they were born if they come out to their parents because in that sense, it’s the parents asking themselves, “why did we have a child that turned out this way? we didn’t ask for this kind of child. we never asked for this kind of person. we never asked to raise them as they are now.” look if you can’t fucking accept that your child will be anything other than a cishet individual made to play out your nuclear family life so you can project your ideas of parenting and hopefully help parent your grandchildren in all the ways you fucked up your own kids i want you to-to- the window is right there. leave. fucking leave. 

“Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

is there really nothing to fear, from your parents? they’re supposed to be your closest guidance but is there truly nothing to fear from them if they hate the idea of who you really are? the child is questioning their identity (”shit’s getting weird”) and everything they’ve ever perceived their parents as is thrown up in the air.

and we can’t have all this internalized queerphobia without some religious trauma, can we? the child asks the all knowing, all seeing God, “what was your plan for me?” did this God intend for this child to have to go through this pain? this suffering which is often carried out in the name of aforementioned deity? this God better have one hell of a plan, really, because this child sure as hell needs one, and this God better have a good enough excuse to be able to redeem themselves in this child’s eyes. 

all the choruses are just the child constantly asking their parents: “am i normal enough?” “do i need to pretend more?” “i know i owe you this much at least, can you tell me you love me? the normal me?” “can you tell me you love me at all?”

[joestarsecrettecnique]

I am so very sick and tired of the toxicity that’s been poisoning the snk fandom as of the last couple years. I gave myself time to digest the ending and my feelings on it, before embarking in a journey to debunk many misconceptions and critiques I’ve seen floating in the fandom.

By the way, by no means I think this ending is perfect. I think this is textbook execution by Isayama to tie together every loose end left behind in an orderly manner, and I think that it was a bit rushed and oversimplified. I would’ve wanted more of Eren and Armin’s conversation, more of the squad realizing what his true goal had been, and some narrative choices I don’t 100% agree with. But still, what I saw in other fans’ critiques post 139 frankly appalled me, so I feel the need to make this. Also, this obviously are my own interpretations, I am not Isayama himself lol

“Ew, so Eren did pull a Lelouch after all”

No, Eren did not pull a Lelouch. While his action and the final result may seem similar, I find very different nuances between the two. Lelouch wanted for the whole world to be united in fighting against him, and thus he made himself the world’s greatest enemy. His will to turn himself into a monster was selfless. Eren didn’t give a damn about the world, he had no noble intentions whatsoever. He said it in chapter 122, his goal was to protect Paradis and, more specifically, his closest friends. He turned himself into a monster, killed 80% of human population, and endangered the lives of those very friends he wanted to protect, so that by stopping him, those friends could be safe. Eren had no intentions to break out of the cycle of hatred or unite the world against himself, he just wanted to give his friends a chance to survive, and that is not selfless, it’s selfish. Eren’s goal was incredibly selfish, and biased, and driven by his feelings instead of rationality. Nothing like Lelouch!

Now this, this I myself am not the greatest fan of. I feel like it makes that great scene in chapter 122 loose a bit of its strength, Ymir obeying the king for 2000 years just because she loved him. Honestly, I always thought there was a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on, but I didn’t think it would be the only reason. However, like it or not, it’s undeniable that it makes perfect sense in the narrative that aot has always strived to tell. Love has been a theme strongly woven in the story, and it also draws a great parallel between Karl Fritz/Ymir and Eren/Mikasa. Ymir was a slave to her love for King Fritz, just like Mikasa was a slave to her love for Eren, in that she struggled to accept reality until the very end despite the atrocities that Eren committed. Ymir stayed bound by her love for King Fritz, until she saw Mikasa break from her own poisoned love, aknwoledge it, and kill Eren despite of it, or maybe because of it. Only Ymir knows that one, heh. But the point is, Mikasa showed Ymir that she could break free of a toxic love, she was that someone that Ymir had been waiting for to finally free her of her burden.

“What? But that makes no sense!”

Now, on my first read, I simply thought that Eren had ordered Dina to avoid eating Berthold, and that he had made her walk down that road unaware that his mother was trapped (because we know that the Attack Titan’s future memories aren’t infallible, there are still gaps), killing her indirectly. I’ve since then read some theories stating that Eren willingly killed his own mum in orther to give kid himself a reason to feel enough hatred to kickstart the whole story. Honestly, I like this version maybe more! But let me explain to you why this is not a plothole, like many people think. In this same chapter, we have Eren explaining how the Founder’s power works in synergy with the Attack’s: “There’s no past or future, they all exist at once”. This means that time travel in aot doesn’t work in a manner where Eren extracts himself from time and space, and from a separate realm he operates on the past. The way I understood it, the mechanics works kind of like Tokyo Revengers’ time travel. MInd you, I only watched episode one, so my understanding might be jackshit.

Spoilers for Tokyo Revengers’ episode one. In the show, the main character loses consciousness and finds himself reliving his past. He interacts with someone in this “new” past, and when he wakes up again in the present, past events had been over-written by the changes he made. I think this is how aot timetravel works, with the exception that, since past and future (and present, of course) all happen at once, side by side, there is no old past to be rewritten, neither a future to return to, and present Eren wouldn’t be aware of the changes that his future self would make. It creates sort of a time paradox, yes, in the sense that there’s a loop where present Eren’s mom has been eaten because future Eren, in the future, operated on the past by causing past Eren’s mom to be eaten, but all these Erens are one and the same, as all timelines exist at once.

“Boo-hoo they ruined Eren’s character, he’s such a wimp!”

I have to confess (isn’t this appalling, that this is a thing that I have to confess, what the actual fuck), I am an Eren stan. I absolutely do not consider myself a Jaegerist, I think Eren’s option was better than Zeke’s, yes, but it was morally wrong and awful and he absolutely was not only in the wrong, but also if he wasn’t dead I’d want him to be punished for his crimes. I didn’t particularly enjoy him pre-timeskip, and I started to like him because I found his evolution fascinating. I wanted to understand his motives, what was going on in his head, he was a puzzle that I wanted to solve. Maybe because I’m a psychologist, who knows. Anyways, if you’re an Eren stan only because he acted like a chad and now you cry his character was ruined, I’m sorry to say, you never understood him. Eren was not a god, he was not a strategist playing 5d chess with perfect rationality, Eren was the same he has always been. He was a young man spun along by his passions. Eren feels things with burning intensity, he lets himself be driven by his emotions. He almost flattened the world because he was disappointed that he and his friends weren’t the only human beings inhabiting it, for fuck’s sake, he’s always been irrational, selfish, and immature. Of course he doesn’t wanna die, of course he want’s to live with all of them. You really expected a 15 year old hot-headed brat to become Thanos after he suddenly found out he killed his own mum and all his dreams had been crushed? Of course he felt conflicted, of course he suffered, of course he wanted to live, “because he was born in this world”. Honestly, when I read his meltdown, I felt relieved that his character hadn’t been turned on its head, it was heartbreaking to see that he really was the same brat he’d always been, that he’d tried to steel himself to do horrible shit for his friends’ sake and that he felt bad about it! It made me appreciate his character a lot more, I felt nostalgic towards the times when I was irritated by his screaming and pouting. Suffice to say, this is also my answer to all those people that believe his internal monologue to convince himself the Rumbling was what he really wanted were bullshit since he “pulled a Lelouch”. How can it be bullshit? Maybe he planned to be stopped, but he also said that he thought he would’ve still done it if they hadn’t. He also said that killing a majority of the population was something that he wanted to do, not a byproduct of the alliance not stopping him early enough, because with the world’s militaries in shambles Paradis would’ve had time to prepare accordingly. Anyways, of course he needed to convince himself to do this awful thing even if he knew he wasn’t gonna succeed completely, can you imagine how horrible it would be to know your only chance is to kill thousands?

I also maybe think it was because of the spine centipede thingy? When Eren says “I don’t know why I did it, I wanted to, I had to”, he gets this faraway look on his face and we get a zoom in on one of his eyes, which is drawn very interestingly and kinda looks like the Reiss’ eyes when they were bound by the War Renounce Pact? So maybe it was also the centipede’s drive to survive and multiplicate that forced Eren to do the Rumbling so that its life wouldn’t be endangered. I don’t know how much I like this, I feel like it takes some agency away from Eren and also makes it feel like he’s not as responsible for the genocide he committed that we initially though, which mhhh maybe not, let’s have him take full responsibility for this. As I said, I’m not defending Isayama blindly, I do have some issues myself with what went down.

“What the fuck, did he say thank you for the genocide?”

Guys c’mon, this is like,, reading comprehension. Yes, it was poorly worded and a bit rushed, but by now you should have full context to make an educated guess on the fact that no, he didn’t thank him for committing a genocide what the fuck you guys. Armin started bringing up the idea that maybe they should have Eren eaten because he was doing morally questionable things ever since the Marley Arc, which for manga readers was like what, 2018? Isayama has been showing for three years how not okay Armin was with Eren’s actions, how could it make sense for him to thank him for a genocide? You see some poorly worded stuff, and your first instinct is to ignore eleven years’ worth of consistent characterization to jump to the worst interpretation possible? Let’s go over this sentences and reconstruct what they mean.

“Eren, thank you. You became a mass murdere for our sake. I won’t let this error go to waste”. Armin recognizes that Eren had no other choice, but does not condone it. He clearly calls it an error, which feels like an euphemism but for all we know the japanese original term used could’ve been harsher. Point is, he clearly states he think what Eren did was wrong. But he recognizes that Eren’s awful doing opened up a path for Paradis to break out of the cycle of hatred. Not a certainty, but an opportunity. He thanks Eren for giving them this chance, and promises not to waste it, even if it was born out of an atrocity. He thanks Eren for sacrificing himself for their sake, even if he doesn’t agree with the fruit of his labor, so to speak. He’s thanking Eren for the opportunity that his actions gave them, not for the actions themselves! Where the hell do you read “thank you for the genocide” guys, sheesh. I’m mad at y’all.

“How could Eren send MIkasa memories if she’s an Ackerman and an Asian, and their memories can’t be manipulated by the Founder? I call plothole!”

Now, here we’re going into speculation territory, so you’ve been warned. I don’t think that that information they gave us was true, about Ackermans being immune to memory manipulation. We know at least that the clan is in some way subject to the Founder’s power, or Mikasa and Levi wouldn’t have been called in the Paths by Eren multiple times. Stories never being entirely true or false, or relativity, better said, has been a strong theme in the story, we know this by Marley’s and Eldia’s different accounts of history compared to the actual Ymir backstory we got. So who’s to say that the belief that Ackermans aren’t manipulable is the truth? Maybe they’re just hard to control, not impossible. We know that by the Founder’s ability Eren experienced past and future happening simultaneously, so he could’ve very well been trying to send those memories into Mikasa’s head ever since the beginning of the story, only just succeeding in chapter 138. It would at least explain Ackerman’s headaches as Eren trying to manipulate their memories and failing. Of course, we’d need Levi side of thing to know for certain, as he had headaches too and we weren’t shown in the chapter if Eren spoke to him in paths like he did with the rest of the squad. We know he didn’t talk to Pieck, but he even went and spoke to Annie who he basically hadn’t seen since Stohess, so I hope he spoke to Levi too. Who knows, maybe he even spoke with Hanji, but she died before she could remember. I wish we were shown that, honestly, I’m sad that it was skipped, especially after Levi said in an earlier chapter that “there was so much he wanted to tell Eren”. Fingers crossed for the anime to expand on it.

“So Historia’s pregnancy was useless”

What? No, it wasn’t useless! Eren told her to get pregnant to save her life, so that she wouldn’t be turned into the Beast Titan. If she became the Beast Titan, then Eren would’ve had to enact the plan with her instead of Zeke, and yeah, Ymir brought the power of the titans with her, so theoretically Titan Shifter Historia would’ve had her time limit removed, but we saw that the only way for the Alliance to stop the Rumbling was killing Zeke, so Historia would’ve had to die. Useless to say, when Eren talked to her about his plan, she was very vocally against it, so I don’t think she would’ve helped Eren with his plan. It was Zeke or nothing, and the only way for Zeke to keep his titan was for Historia to be unable to be turned, hence the pregnancy. Did y’all read the same thing I read? Anyways, she could’ve definitely been handled better, but she wasn’t necessary to the plot anymore, and her being removed from it in such a way was sad, yes, but it made sense.

“They massacred Reiner!”

Yeah, can’t really say anything about this. I definitely understand the sentiment behind this scene, which I appreciate. It’s to show that thanks to his Titan being removed and the times of peace approaching, Reiner was finally able to shed the weight he bore on his shoulders and “regress” to his more carefree persona he had when he thought he was a soldier, instead of a warrior. I am very happy for him, and I think it’s a nice conclusion to his arc, that he’s finally happy, but it could’ve been portrayed in a less comic relief-y way. It just sledgehammers all his characterization. Feels surreal that we saw him attempt suicide a couple month ago in the anime and now he’s sniffing Historia’s handwriting.

Guys, this absolutely sends me. There are people who unironically believe Eren actually reincarnated in a bird? Guys. It makes no sense, it violates every rule that Isayama established for his universe’s power system. How could he even reincarnate in a bird? Guys, c’mon, this is symbolical! Birds have been heavily used in aot to portray freedom, and this is a nice, poetic, symbolic way to show that Eren who lived his whole life chasing freedom and never actually got it, is finally free, like a bird, now that he’s dead. It’s also a pretty explicit nod to Odin, I think. Aot is heavily inspired by Norse Mithology, and I think there were some pretty clear parallels between Eren and Odin/Loki in the later arcs of the story. Eren has been shown to “communicate” through birds like with Falco in chapter 81, or with Armin in chapter 131. Emphasis on “communicate” because again, this is symbolic, I don’t think he actually spoke through the birds, he simply talked to them via paths, but birds are associated with Eren’s character (see also the wings of freedom, y’know?) and the shots were framed so to give the impression that he was talking through the birds, but he wasn’t. Symbolism. Anyway, I really think they were supposed to be a nod to Odin’s crows.

Aaaaand that should be it! Even though I most definitely forgot some other criticism on the chapter, it’s crazy the amount of negativity floating around. Hope I didn’t bore you!

[angeltannis]

Mechrogunner: A Headcanon Masterpost

@fudgeroach and I have been cookin’ this ship up for a bit now, and we’ve come up with a bunch of ideas for it that I’m finally ready to post!

Background for context: We both headcanon Moze as a he/him transmasc, so that’s how Moze will be referred to in this post.

So, Gaige and Moze.

How do they meet?

-Pretty simple – at the Wainlock wedding. Moze hasn’t been out just relaxing and having a good time in so long that he stays later than pretty much everyone else. When he’s finally ready to call it a night, he goes up to Hammerlock to let him know. Hammerlock casts a glance over at the bar, where Gaige is practically passed out on the counter by that point, and asks if Moze would be willing to check on her for him. Moze is like “Uhhh...okay...”, not really getting why Hammerlock himself couldn’t just check on her.

Hammerlock, of course, has an agenda, trying to set Gaige up with a friend her own age. He didn’t plan on it going much, much further than that, lol.

Moze sits awkwardly down beside her and is all business, just asking her bluntly if she’s all right. Gaige, flirty drunk that she is, immediately latches on to him, telling him he’s great and that she loves him. Moze internally is like 😳 but acknowledges it’s because she’s drunk. He stays with her for a while, keeping it light, talking about their respective robot BFFs and telling her a couple funny old army stories to keep her awake and with it until she sobers up a little.

Both of them are so lonely that by the end of the night they are definitely both nursing lil crushes, but Moze has thick walls around his heart after what happened to his squad mates, and he’s too traumatized to let anyone in at the moment. When they finally part ways that night, he assumes he’ll never see Gaige again.

Then he gets a text from an unfamiliar number. Turns out Gaige got his number from Hammerlock, and has ““questions about Iron Bear””. (She actually does have questions about Iron Bear because she’s a fucking nerd, but make no mistake, she is definitely interested in both mech AND pilot)

Moze hasn’t been in this kind of position in, well, ever, really. He’s not sure what to do. He really likes talking to Gaige, though – she's stunningly smart, wild and funny as hell. He’s never met a woman like her before. He may not have a clue what she’s talking about half the time, but he sure does love hearing her say it all.

Gaige, on the other hand, is immediately and blatantly smitten with Moze. She tends to develop crushes on pretty much anyone who pays her attention, but Moze was so sweet and gentle with her while she was embarrassingly drunk that Gaige finds herself thinking about him long after they part ways.

The dating stage:

Moze is terrified of opening back up to anybody, so he keeps Gaige at arm’s length even as their texting goes from occasional, to frequent, to most of the day every day. The other Raiders encourage Moze to ask Gaige on a date, but he’s nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment.

When Gaige asks him to bring Iron Bear to her lab-slash-hideout so she can “check him out”, he tells himself and everyone else that it’s just a friend thing.

It’s totally not a friend thing oh God

He’s hanging out in her garage (I imagine Gaige hides out in some craphole abandoned building somewhere and that her garage is also her lab, kitchen, bedroom, etc.), watching her eyes light up as she examines Iron Bear when he realizes he’s in too deep to get out. She pulls a whole-ass little measuring tape out of her hair at one point and he’s like Oh god, you’re adorable and has to bite his tongue to refrain from saying it out loud.

Deathtrap is just watching them, aware that something is up, but he doesn’t know enough about humans to know exactly what it is

The first time Moze feels comfortable enough to show up in something other than his freaking Ursa Corps uniform, he’s a little shy because he’s been chopping at his own hair and feels like a doofus. To his surprise, Gaige lights up and immediately starts complimenting his “punk” hairstyle. She lets her own hair out of the pigtails with a grin, showing that she hacks at her own hair as well. It’s all split ends and uneven layers, and Moze’s heart flutters just a bit as those bright green eyes are suddenly framed by a mess of bouncy orange hair.

While he’s hanging out with Gaige, Moze eventually comes out of his shell enough to start cracking little jokes and feeling a bit more at ease. He hasn’t felt this way since the last night he spent with his squad before Darzaran Bay. Gaige is just so easy to talk to, and she laughs at his jokes and doesn’t pry about his past. He doesn’t pry about hers, either, though he can glean from her current situation that something has clearly gone horribly wrong in her young life.

Gaige is afraid to let anyone into her life, either, since every person who knows her whereabouts is another potential source of danger to her (and to them). She finds herself wondering why this soldier is all alone without a squadron or a battalion or whatever terms the army uses. The faraway look Moze sometimes gets tells her there’s a long and painful story behind it.

It takes a loooooong time, probably close to a year or more, before either of them are ready to admit they’re not just visiting each other as friends multiple times a week. 

They’re sitting outside one evening watching the sunset when Gaige grows uncharacteristically serious. Moze assumes she’s going to confess to some awful crime or something, and his first reaction is “Okay I don’t know what you did but I forgive you and I’ll help you hide the body”. Gaige is like ??? Ok well I did kill somebody in the past but I was actually going to ask if I could kiss you?

Neither of them have ever really had a proper kiss before. They basically end up bonking their faces together like a couple of clueless dorks. It goes on to become a favorite inside joke between them, with the two of them frequently headbutting each other and then having a good, confusing-to-everyone-else laugh about it.

The relationship:

-Moze is self conscious about his height, but it turns out Gaige actually prefers it because then she doesn’t feel like such a shrimp herself. Short couple rights

-Still though, Moze likes to wear his chunkiest combat boots when they’re together together so they’re at least equal size. Eventually Gaige starts wearing her own old combat boots, though, so poor Moze can’t win lol

-They’re not real sappy out in public, but they’re always either holding hands or Moze has an arm loosely around Gaige’s waist (or vice versa which makes Moze go “NOO I’m supposed to be the one doing that!!” And Gaige is like “Muahaha, Feminism Babey >:D”)

-Gaige found out Moze has a corporate tattoo and since then his life has never known peace (she teases him about it relentlessly)

-Moze sends lovey-dovey memes and texts...exclusively in Russian. Forcing Gaige to put them through a translator helps put a little bit of distance between the words and his feelings, so he doesn’t feel quite so vulnerable...

…But then Gaige struggles to learn some basic Russian in secret, and the next time Moze says something corny she can actually understand it and responds in kind. Moze is floored

-Gaige is a ball of repressed horny nerdiness. Moze was never very sexual to begin with, and his trauma has basically turned him completely asexual. While at first Gaige was (inwardly) a bit disappointed, as time goes on she realizes she cares way more about Moze than she cares about getting laid.

She’s still a slut for cuddles, though – and luckily Moze is willing to provide. At first he insists on being the “big spoon” (more like the backpack), but it’s tough to resist being held by a pretty girl who covers you in kisses and takes the time to change into her non-spiked metal arm after that one time she forgot and almost got you in the eye with a spike

-Gaige sleeps in a bed that’s FULL of pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and anything soft and Moze, who is used to sleeping on a barren military cot if not just on the floor, is like “Oh God, I’m drowning”

All you see is his hand reaching desperately out of a pillow pile before it, too, is absorbed and he disappears completely

-Semi-related to the last bit: Gaige sleeps completely sprawled out in her bed while Moze curls up tight, taking up as little space as possible. Occasionally he gets grabbed like a stuffed animal and smushed up against Gaige’s chest in her sleep. He finds he actually likes being held while he sleeps. It helps keep away some of the nightmares.

-When eventually Gaige finds out what happened to Moze, she starts ranting about the military-industrial complex and corporate corruption and Moze is kinda 😥 because he was basically bottle-fed army propaganda since he was born, but it all makes sense, and the military did fuck him over, and maybe there’s so much more to this than he even realized…

-Finding out Gaige’s backstory, Moze is like “Psh, Marcie Halloway sounds like a cunt. I would’ve killed her ass, too.”

-Moze never allows anyone else to even look inside Iron Bear’s pilot seat because of all his private belongings (ie the photos and mementos he keeps of his old squad mates). Gaige never outright asks because she knows it’s personal, but one day Moze asks if she'd like to have a look inside and see if there’s any cool stuff she would want to build into Bear. Gaige realizes that’s a huge step in their relationship because of how much trust it requires on Moze’s part, and she is like !!! “Yes of COURSE”

-[Gaige voice] So when am I gonna get to be Mrs. Gaige Hayussinian Yan-Lun Al-Amir Andreyevna?

-Both of them will eat anything, so romantic dinners can consist of anything from actual gourmet food to “Want a bite of my fried ratch?” “Um, obviously?? Gimme-“

-Perks of dating someone your own size: You can easily wear each other’s clothes. Cue Moze showing up to Sanctuary in a spiked leather jacket with patches shittily ironed on all over it, and Gaige keeping warm in an Ursa Corps bomber jacket (that she covers with patches and stickers to hide the Vladof advertising)

-Gaige operating Moze’s Dakka Bear turret, wildly spraying bullets and screaming catch phrases while Moze is in the pilot seat like 🥰 You’re wasting all my ammo but god I love you

-Moze jumping into combat: All right, let’s do this shit *puts on his helmet with pink skulls and hearts and PROPERTY OF GAIGE 💜 spray painted all over it*

-Gaige is still worried about being caught by the cops, which can make dates a little difficult, but she’s admittedly a little more at ease now that she travels with a fifteen-ton mech and his dashing pilot.