#and i fixate on answers and solutions

[mutagenesys]

For me, being a system means becoming increasingly unsure of which relationships you really want, and how much.

Oh my god I want a life partner.

Do you? Aren't they suffocating after a while?

Oh gods I need more friends.

Do you? You barely talk to your existing beloveds.

Fuck! I'm lonely.

Are you? You always want more time alone.

I'm tired of sewing the seeds of love and leaving them unwatered.

[confines]

oh thank the fucking lord. someone on ebay noticed i was anxiously looking at their listing over and over and over debating whether i should get it and cut me a deal for 25% off their already-pretty-cheap modded keyboard that's mostly the colour i want. i can rest now. i can stop thinking about keyboards. i'm finally free.

[sukunasteeth]

When Sukuna kisses you, it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest.

You started out perched on his lap, but by now he's reduced you to a boneless, panting heap in his grasp. His arms supporting you are the only things keeping you from melting against him like liquid lust. You're desperate for a moment of solid ground to catch your breath, but Sukuna is adamant on continuously taking it away from you. His calloused hands inching their way up your shirt, brushing softly against your sides, over your rib cage, skimming the underside of your breasts, all in mesmerization at how soft your skin is.

"'Kuna..." You try to capture his attention, which has been taken by his fixation on how sensitive your ears were to the scrape of his teeth.

You're surprised when he answers with a distracted hum, "Yes, my little doe?"

"I -I need a second." You stutter, your heart is thumping wildly in your chest, despite how intoxicated and incapacitated you feel at his mercy. You were starting to forget how to breathe in his close proximity and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to keep your head straight with his natural scent acting like a pheromone.

You feel his wicked grin against your neck before you hear it in his voice, "Poor thing. Am I working you too hard? I rarely see you so out of sorts..." 

Sukuna doesn't even try to disguise his amusement at your complete inebriation with his kisses. His tongue presses against the nape of your throat before he follows a line of sweat up to your ear, leaving behind a cold stripe of his saliva against your burning hot skin. He holds you fast when you violently shiver against him, "It's a good look on you."

“Please…” You beg with whatever breath you can conjure for him but it comes out as more of a desperate little whimper. That was Sukuna’s favorite tone of your voice, after all. 

And desperate you were. Sukuna had been devouring you for so long, sucking and nipping and licking at whatever part of your revealed skin interested him. You could feel your legs forgetting how to operate.

You just needed a moment. 

Without his permission, you push away from his chest and manage to get to your feet in front of him. Your legs buckle, but you're able to catch yourself before you fall face first back into him. Sukuna is looking up at you, as kiss drunk as you felt, blinking slowly with a satisfied smile. 

“Give me just one sec-” You’re about to turn away. And then you see it. 

Sukuna had you so entranced with him, had your mind so far away from your body, that you hadn’t even noticed the fact that you had cleanly soaked through your panties on his lap. And there, on that oh-so-comfortable part of his thigh, that had quickly become one of your happy places, was a dark spot on his jeans from your wetness. 

All you could do was stare down at it, mortified. 

Which only has Sukuna following your gaze in momentary curiosity. 

“I-I’M…” You try to catch his attention again with the sound of your voice before his eyes can settle on the new mark, but Sukuna sees it first.

His grin quickly fades and your heart careens into your throat. You feel embarrassment shoot through you like a shot of adrenaline, coloring your already pink face a bright and rosy red. 

The clear solution to the undoubtedly awkward situation is to run, right?

“I’ll be right back-” But you don’t even move an inch before his hand snaps forward and latches onto the front pocket of your (his) hoodie, stopping you in place. 

Your heartbeat thumps in your red-hot ears and you go against every fiber of your being to meet his eyes.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going with my dinner?" The playful lilt of his tone has completely vanished and reveals a deep, dark starvation in its place.

"I work hard for my meals, you know?” 

[sluttsumu]

DOUBLE TROUBLE

.ೃ࿐ feat. atsumu + osamu miya

in which: the twins have a little bet, and you’re their next target. who can make you cum the most on halloween night without anyone knowing, keep quiet virgin or you’ll get caught.

warning: 18+, college!au, fratboy!inarizaki, oblivious!reader, non+ dubcon/peer pressure, threesome, corruptive thoughts, misogyny (?), manipulation, drugs (molly), vaginal fingering, vaginal penetration, unprotected, petname: angel, oral (f!receiving + m!receiving), virginity loss, exhibitionism + voyeurism, implied orgy (with suna), sunaosa TEASE, they’re sleazy hoes. wc: 2k

ೃ࿐ ki’s note: this is fic was supposed to kickstart my kinktober series. i hope you love this as much as i do because i had the best time writing it! in my mind it’s still october 😭 divider: @cafekitsune

two devils, one angel, and fate. being a virgin sacrifice wasn’t necessarily on your halloween bucket list for this year.

— ♡︎ —

“can’t think of anyone to bring ‘samu ?” atsumu piqued, osamu is supposed to be the smart one.

the infamous twins had been thinking for some time on who to invite to their annual halloween party.

there were plenty of guests, but they needed someone special for the night.

atsumu’s fucked half of the bimbos from his fan club, meanwhile osamu was never satisfied with any of his groupies.

“well,” he starts. “i have an idea.” the light bulb in his head flickered before finally going off when he thought of the perfect girl. the dainty little college freshman whom he sees walking around campus all dolled up.

“who’s that girl that we always see with sunarin?” he ponders, in attempt to remember your name. atsumu’s eyes lit up when he realized. he knew exactly who his brother was talking about.

osamu really was a genius.

“y/n..” his tone was unsure, but curious nonetheless. osamu shot a finger gun “bingo.” indicating that his atsumu was right on the money. they paused, staring at one another as if they were reading each others minds. twin telepathy surely was a blessing. if they were both thinking correctly it seems like they’ve got a target.

*incoming facetime from; suna rintaro*

“yes suna?” you answer holding the phone above your face. “what’re you doing tomorrow?” the abrupt question never threw you off anymore, it was common for suna taking you on all kinda of spontaneous adventures on and off campus.

“ ‘m not doing anything, gonna watch horror movies and eat candy.” suna eyed you feigning disgust, what lame plans. “absolutely not..” he scoffs, “the twins invited you to their party tomorrow and you’re going.” the miya twins were mutual friends and have been known to throw some awesome ragers from time to time, how could you decline such an offer?

“i don’t have a costume???” honestly you were trying to find any excuse possible to lessen your chances of coming home wasted on halloween night. but suna had a solution to everything, even this. “wear white, i’ll sort out the rest.” he hung up after the condescending message, leaving you to piece together his surprise.

white, the colour of purity and innocence. nothing is innocent about a college party, especially because,

halloween was the one night a year a girl could dress like a total slut, and no one could say anything about it.

a firm knock was set on your dorm room door. “let’s go” his eyes fixated as you opened the door. suna mildly regrets not taking up the twins’ offer to join them on their escapade tonight, especially with the way that dress hugs your body. he quickly releases himself from the dirty thoughts.

“okay, what’s my costume? you said wear white.” suna’s hand rises from his side revealing a halo. makes sense why he told you to wear white now. it wasn’t until you took in his costume that really made you understand his choice.

he’s dressed in a red button up, except the buttons weren’t being used at all. the devil horns stuck in his hair confirmed the unoriginal costume idea. a few days back he mentioned matching costumes with the rest of his fraternity, and if you had to see the rest of them like this, than you were sure that attending this party was worth it.

the house was loud, as much as it was crowded, suna’s hand around your wrist is the only thing preventing you from getting caught in the ocean of people.

“sunarin! we’re over here.” pi kappa alpha (ΠΚΑ) was one of seven frats at your university, and was definitely the hottest. pretty, rich boys with the world at their disposal. everyone knew this but that never stopped girls from clinging onto them, after all osamu’s arms and atsumu’s abs— focus!

“ah, you made it.” osamu exclaimed opening his arms for a particularly tight hug. you hugged all of them, each cologne scent different from the last. “mind if we steal rin for a minute? won’t be long, promise.” atsumu’s tone of voice couldn’t have been more condescending, talking to you so sweet and saccharin. you nodded, shooting the quintet a small smile, before going to find a drink.

“an angel, cute.” atsumu watched your back was you walked away into a crowd of people. all that clouded his thoughts were all the things he wanted to do to you throughout the night. “get yer head intha game. what are the rules?” osamu chuckled, it was no doubt that he was having the same thoughts as his brother. that’s for sure.

“ ‘ts 10:30, whoever can make her cum the most before midnight first wins. unless you fuck her that is.. she’s a virgin so if you manage to to take her virginity you automatically win. get caught and you have to restart.” the night is young and the rules were set, but there was one question unanswered, whats the prize for a game such as this?

money of course. sex and money have been interchangeable for as long as mankind can remember, no difference here. a thousand dollars put up by each member, totalling to five thousand. winner takes all, loser gets nothing. may the best twin win.

atsumu wasted no time following you to the kitchen hearing the laughs from his friends behind. unfortunate for him bokuto caught your attention a little too quickly. he watched the two of you laugh and introduce yourselves to one another. it wouldn’t go on for much longer, not if atsumu could help it.

“bo-kun! do me a favor would’ya?” he said, slinging an arm over your shoulder. “get some more ice for the cooler, ‘ts intha basement.”

in boy world, this was a territorial interaction meaning; get the fuck out of here.

meanwhile in girl world, you didn’t think anything of it.

bokuto cheerfully agreed uttering “nice meeting you!” before sliding past the crowd of people to go fetch that ice.

“cute costume miya.” you look up to see him above your shoulder. he unhooks his arm from your side, leaning up against the counter. “not too bad yourself. you look,” he pauses for a mere few seconds. thoughts of you and how innocent you look plagued his mind, costume doesn’t help either. something in him was excited to taint that, you’d look so much prettier with your makeup smudged and begging him to make you cum, he thought.

“pretty,” he smiled, eyes shifting around your lips, and neck then back to your eyes. “you look really fucking pretty.”

“nights still young, you like games?” you tilted your head at the question. a suspicious question but how could anyone say no to him. “dependsss..” you drag out the word, tone laced with hesitation. this was all one big game, that you unfortunately didn’t know you were apart of, throwing another in the mix couldn’t hurt.

“how do ya feel about suck and blow?”

—♡︎—

suna forcefully offered up kita’s amex for the game, safe to say that he’s not happy about it.

the game rules were simple; suck and blow, on a card that is. pass the card mouth to mouth without dropping it. drop it and make out with the next person in front of everyone and spend an additional 10 minutes in an enclosed space. sounds easy right? it wasn’t a pi kappa alpha party without this tradition, they have a separate room dedicated for games such as these.

you watched intensely as the card made its rounds over and over you successfully received and passed it on. you were also standing between atsumu and bokuto, yikes! the card was making its way back around and like before it was just a matter of sucking and blowing, until you were locking lips with one of the hottest guys on campus. atsumu ‘dropped the card’ by accident, catalyzing the makeout sesh between the two of you.

it’s hot, it’s sloppy, it’s fucking miya atsumu.

you feel his smile on your lips as he slips his tongue in between yours, aiming for your bottom lip. the whooping, and whistling among the group was enough to encourage the egotism within you both to put on a nice show for everyone. your nails intertwining in his undercut, while his arms hug your waist.

“okay okay,” kita pushes, removing the two of you off of each other. “10 minutes, you know the drill.”

the frat brothers exchange a glance, one of many kita has shared with his little since atsumu started college.

the amount of girls that have survived that room, godspeed.

hearing the door close behind you was almost frightening, even after the spectacle you put on for everyone just now. it wasn’t until you took a few steps in you noticed this is a bedroom, not your average stuffy coat closet.

“suna teach you to kiss like that or what?” he teases, watching you stare at him in disbelief. “can’t believe he hasn’t fucked you yet.”

guess i’ll be the first, he thought.

suna? fucking you? confusion was an understatement really. unbeknownst to you they all thought you were sunas secret fuck buddy till he told them you were untouched.

atsumu almost forgot, and the realization ran through his blood with pure mischief. he was ready to get his hands on you and play with his toy of the night.

“let’s have some fun, yea?” he quips, walking towards you. “fun like what?” unintentionally you take a step back, the two of you flowing in a seamless b-line towards the bed as he goes forward and you go back.

“you’re a big girl right? in college now. ya know what big girls do?” his tone was informative signalling that there’s more to his mini monologue. “big college girls…kiss, and suck, and fuck boys.”

the smooth of your calves hit the sheets.

“a-atsumu i’m—” you’re a stuttering mess, and he finds it adorable.

“you’re what?” he mocks, lifting his voice up an octave to replicate you. it was only a matter of seconds before you were pushed onto the bed with his body caging yours beneath him.

it was all happening so fast, it’s not that you didn’t want to but this has never happened before. being stuck in a room with a guy especially an experienced one was never on you to-do list for today.

atsumu’s done this to many girls. he’s used to fucking bitches every week and you were no different. he never looses and he’s damn sure nothing will change that tonight.

“i’ve never done this before…” shame drowns your conscience as you confess what you thought was a secret. little did you know, he knew.

“s’okay,” his lips pecked against your jaw lightly, he could feel how tense you were but curious as well. “just wanna make you feel good, hmm?” you could feel atsumu’s hand creeping between your thighs though his eyes never leaving yours. this look on your face, the look of a virgin, never gets old for him.

the inquisitive look of “maybe it’s not so bad” staring back at him as he pulls your panties to the side running his fingers along your wet folds. you didn’t protest, or squirm, or defy, you just laid there beady eyes staring, legs spread for him awaiting his touch.

simultaneously, his fingers slide into you with ease while sharing a kiss to keep you quiet, earning a soft moan onto his lips. your body can’t help but concentrate at the foreign feeling of someone else other than yourself fingering you. “ahhh—! s-slow down ‘tsumu, too much!”

“no can do angel, got a lot ridin’ on ya.” completely dismissing your feelings, he continues to pump his fingers into your leaking cunt. “hurts..” you whine. “atsumu it hurts!”

“don’t lie ta me pretty, i can feel you clenching ‘round me.” your face flushed at his words, fluttering around his fingers. besides the slight discomfort it felt so fucking good, you really couldn’t get enough of it.

the humiliation you felt hearing the lewd squelching of his digits fingerfucking you was apparent. you watched in awe as he sped up, arm now jackhammering in and out of you at an ruthless pace. “fuckfuckfuck!” you cry, eyes brimming with tears.

atsumu traps your lips in a messy kiss, tasting a mixture alcohol on each others tongues. whines and whimpers escape fall from your lips onto his at the feeling of the coil in your stomach about to break. the euphoria that overcomes your body when your legs begin to tremble, thighs squeezing around his hand, your virgin cunny covers his fingers in sticky cum.

but his assault on your pussy doesn’t stop there, he’s still going; fucking you through your orgasm. “can’t stop there, you can give me another one baby, know you can.”

“no! c-can’t take it! i—” his hand quickly cups around your lips, muffling any sound that dares to come out of your mouth. time’s almost up and atsumu would throw more than a fit if he got caught and had to restart already.

he could feel it again, your pussy clenching around his fingers. atsumu continued at his gruelling pace, with a slick smile on his face. It was so cute seeing you like this, half an hour ago you walked into this party as an innocent little thing, and now he had you exactly where he wanted you — under him with his fingers buried inside of you, on your second orgasm.

“cumming… ‘m cumming—!” you mumble under the weight of his hand, eyes fluttering shut. “atta-fucking-girl angel.” your chest heaved and knees buckled while you creamed on the blondes fingers once more this time at full force, making you see stars before he pulled out of you.

“wasn’t so hard now was it?” he smiled sucking your slick off of his fingers. atsumu is now leading by two points and cocky was an understatement, he can feel himself growing hard watching your body go limp against the sheets. if he had the time, he’d take you right then and there but there was always an opportunity for that.

“make yourself decent before you come out.” was the last thing he said to you, chuckling while the door clicked shut behind him.

get yourself together! the sound of your own voice mentally cursing you was enough to spring you back to your feet, pulling your dress down, and fixing your hair. luckily for you, everyone continued their conversations, dancing, and games as you crept out the room exhaling heavily with relief.

a few eyes lingered, especially kita’s. he peered at you from afar, while atsumu whispered in his ear. he raised the red solo cup with an upward tilt of his head before smirking in your direction, taking a sip from the cup.

frat boys are just the equivalent to mean girls.

hell, it hasn’t even been five minutes and he’s already going around telling everyone. you couldn’t bare to see it really, causing you to relocate somewhere else in the house, the stairs.

you sat on the wooden steps, eyes glued onto your phone screen. the feeling of someone walking down was evident as the hardwood took a dip at the weight, it was osamu.

he pondered, swirling the liquid courage in his hand. how could he get you on his white linen sheets? he thought. osamu smirked at the idea that popped into his head soon after remembering the common denominator between his bed and that dress you’re wearing.

starring at your back from a few steps above, his eyes moveded to suna who was situated mere meters away from where you sat. he feigns tipping his cup, eyes pointing down to where you sat then back to the brunette.

it was genius, if he ruins that pretty little dress of yours you’ll have no choice but to take it off.

“do it.” suna mouthed covering his words with a cupped hand.

the weight of someone walking down the stairs returns after having paused, you didn’t think much of it until alcohol poured down your shoulder and into your bra from above you.

“sorry angel! that was my bad.” osamu quips, downing the rest of his cup.

“you’ve got to be kidding me..”

“relaaax,” he drawls before reassuring that “you can come change up here.”

—♡︎—

osamu scanned his closet looking for one of his old flings’ clothes murmuring, “no-no-no-too big-too small— damn i should call her..” as he looks through the assortment of clothing.

you waited on his bed partly disgusted at the fact that these clothes were equivalent to trophies.

“check that drawer ta’ your left for something.” he gestures a waving hand, pointing to the side table next to his bed.

the drawer was less then helpful, containing: condoms, an agent provocateur set (brand new, mind you), a bottle of dior sauvage, and a miniature plastic bag with two smiley face pills in it.

he has drugs just laying in his room?

“what’re these?” prodding at the drugs you ask, dangling the bag between delicate fingers.

he turns to face you, smirking when he sees what caught your curiosity. “a pretty girl named, molly.” osamu banged a girl with that name now that he thinks about it.

“you guys seriously take these?” eyes narrowing at the tiny pill analyzing it’s appearance, but wanting to know more at the same time. “are they fun?”

osamu closes the closet door, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed. his attention is focused elsewhere when you display genuine interest in the party drug.

“wanna find out?” he asks with the tilt of his head.

fuck around and find out was an understatement, getting fucked after finding out was more accurate really.

“fuuuuck ‘samu..” your manicure runs through silver hair, as he messily laps at your cunt.

every flick of his tongue making your knees buckle, the pleasure was overwhelming your lower half as he teased your clit with the tip his tongue.

you couldn’t get over how good it feels, what was the point of staying a virgin when there’s men who will pleasure you like the miya twins.

“pussy tastes s’good princess.” he mumbles onto you, sending vibrations up your spine, continuing to eat you like you’re his last meal.

he could feel now eager you were to get off, grinding yourself against his face in hopes to chase the orgasmic high that your body was so close to.

the loud noises of his mouth smothered against your pussy and broken whimpers fill up the room.

loud enough for suna to hear through the bedroom door he’s standing on the other side of. he could feel his erection growing, listening to his best friend taint his virgin girl bestie on the most sinister night of the year.

“righthererighthere! ‘m cumming— oh fuck!” the euphoric feelings of the drug in your system enhanced every last nerve running through your veins.

you’re loud, high pitched whines falling from your throat as you throw your head back, eyes shutting tight.

osamu’s face pushed into your cunt with force, nose nudging at your clit. little did the two of you know, the brunette purposely walked into the room with you on the verge of a mind blowing orgasm and osamu’s mouth quite busy.

“you cumming?” suna asks, gripping your face with slender fingers.

your eyes shoot open to see one of his hands planted on the back of osamu’s head pushing his mouth deeper into your pussy, the other holding your face, taunting from above.

“oh yea, you’re fucked.” he taunts, pushing your lips into a kissy face forcefully moving your head from side to side, observing your features.

suna’s done his fair share to know you weren’t all there, your dilated pupils, flushed face and very vulnerable state gave it away.

“don’t be shy, go on. might be ‘samu going to town on ya but your attentions on me, hmm?”

seeing you tweaked out on the verge of your third orgasm of the night really did it for him.

it was torture, watching and hearing the twins have their fun with you meanwhile he had to watch.

absolutely no fair. he’s the reason you even considered coming to the party at all it wouldn’t be all that bad if he used you as a reward for his efforts, now would it?

“rin!!” you whine, “get out! this is embarrassing!”

suna doesn’t bother listening to your protest. he’s already slid his shirt off, unbuckling his belt watching osamu make you cum.

“move it.” he chuckles, tugging at grey locks.

“hey, i had her first.” osamu scoffs at his friends audacity.

“technically atsumu had her first, but it’s my turn. so, are you gonna keep bitchin’ or get your dick sucked while i fuck her?”

the two boys spoke as of you weren’t even there, like you were just an object for them to play with. this wasn’t about the bet anymore. this was about you, and the fact that they’d never get the opportunity to see your tweaked out, legs spread, off molly ever again.

a once in a lifetime opportunity with you in a position to not protest.

suna’s shadow hovered over you, manipulating your body to fit both of them on osamu’s mattress.

hazy eyes stared into his green ones with incoherent mumbles falling from your lips. seeing you fucked out made him want it that much more.

“hang in there for us pretty.” his voice sounding so sincere, meanwhile rubbing the tip of his cock along your slit.

he pushes into you without warning, stretching your cunt around his girth.

“shit..” he hisses through his teeth. “definitely a virgin, fuck.”

“ah—!” your hand flies to his chest in attempt to get him to slow down. “s’too much..”

“none of that,” osamu coos, grabbing your wrist.

you didn’t even notice that he slid his boxers off, smearing precum on your lips like lipgloss.

“hey ‘samu where’s the—” atsumu says, swinging the door open to the lewdest live scene he’s ever seen. “holy hell.”

“are you gonna stare or join?”

sluttsumu 2023

[sailorsoons]

On the Clock | Teaser (c.hs)

Pairing: Vernon x f. reader

Summary: Modern problems call for modern solutions, including naming a random stranger in the bookstore as your boyfriend to avoid an embarrassing encounter with your ex. The problem? The stranger is Vernon and he’s not supposed to be a stranger at all - he’s your coworker, and now everyone at the office - including your ex - thinks you’re dating. 

Word Count: TBD

Genre: Faking dating, Coworkers to Lovers, Romcom

Type: Smut, some fluff and crack

 Rating: 18+ Minors are strictly prohibited from engaging in and reading this content. It contains explicit content and any minors discovered reading or engaging with this work will be blocked immediately.

Warnings: Full fic warnings TBD but general warnings include explicit language, explicit sexual content, a little bit of a miscom trope, a hint of angst, a whole lotta stupid!

Written for the Lonely Hearts Cafe Collab by @camandemstudios

Masterlist | Ask | Join Tag List

COMING SUNDAY, FEB. 16

“Well,” Vernon (from IT) eventually says. “No harm done once you tell everyone we’re not dating.”

“Once I what?” 

“Well you’ll have to-”

“No way.”

“What?” 

“Do you know how embarrassing that would be?” 

He raises a brow. “More embarrassing than grabbing some dude in the bookstore and claiming he’s your boyfriend.” 

The air leaves your lungs and you melt into the seat, your misery showing. “I already said sorry.” 

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Just tell everyone you broke up with me.” You snort. 

“No one would believe that.” 

“Why?” 

Instead of answering him immediately, you busy yourself unraveling silverware. It’s a hard question to answer, not because you don’t know the answer but because you don’t want to tell him. Vernon (from IT) is quiet, though. Patient. 

He doesn’t press you for an answer, happy to wait you out until you’ve folded your napkin and placed it on your lap, and once again drained the rest of your water. It does nothing for your nerves as you fixate on a spot atop the table. 

“I don’t… date.” 

“You dated Minho.”

“Yeah. That’s uh… it. It’s kind of a running joke that I am undateable.”

He frowns at that. “Respectfully, I find that incredibly hard to believe.” 

“Thanks. I think.” You pick at a string in the tablecloth. “Anyway, no one would buy that I ended the first relationship I’ve had since Minho. I didn’t even end the last one and sort of clung to it in a way that was sort of embarrassing.” 

“I see.”

You’re unsure if he really does. When Minho had broken up with you, you’d attempt to make arguments to keep him around. Offered less work hours, even said you’d go to therapy to talk about your insane need for success. He hadn’t wanted any of it, and you’d eventually realized that he just… didn’t want you. 

They never did, when people realized what dating you entails. Everyone wants a woman who works hard. They like the illusion of it, the woman who gets up early in the morning and goes to workout before going to her corporate job and girl bossing all day long. They desire the woman who dresses fashionably, who wears designer tags and commands a room all day before coming home to make an effortless dinner followed by a luxurious night routine. 

And you get it. You want to be that too. But the truth is most days you wake up past your alarm and rush to the office wearing shoes that don’t match, and sometimes you come home so late and burned out from your job that you eat a handful of shredded cheese over the sink with a stick of beef jerky, only to do it all again the next day.

That wasn’t what anyone wanted. At least, not in your experience. 

“Anyway,” you clear your throat. “You’re right, or whatever. I should just tell them I lied. I’ve given worse news. Just you know - less personal.” 

For a few minutes, Vernon (from IT) is quiet. You don’t look up to meet his gaze. Instead you watch the ice cubes in your glass melt, little beads of condensation zigzagging down the curve of your glass. 

A sigh makes you look up at Vernon (from IT). “What if we dated for like a month or something?” 

“What?”

“I don’t mean really date,” he offers quickly, sensing your surprise. For some reason, that stings a little. You swallow it down past the knot forming in your throat. “It’ll get people off your back or whatever and we can just mutually end things.” 

“Really? You’d do that.” 

He shrugs a shoulder. “I guess, yeah.”

“You can break up with me,” you promise eagerly, leaning forward with the new promise of a solution to your problem. “Everyone will believe it. Just say I work too much and I’m too obsessed with my career.” 

An uneasy gaze flickers in Vernon (from IT)’s eyes. “It can be mutual,” he says firmly. “That way it ends nicely.”

“Fine. Everyone will think one thing anyway, you’ll get out without a scratch, trust me. Are you sure you’re willing to do this? I can… suck it up and tell everyone I made it up.”

“Do you really want to?” 

“No,” you admit.

“Then it’s settled.” He shrugs, heaving a heavy sigh. “I’ll give you a month and then we can mutually end things.” 

Sticking your hand over the table, you offer it for Vernon (from IT) to shake. His mouth twitches a little as he smiles, leaning forward to take your hand. His is warm and softer than you imagined, enveloping yours firmly as he shakes. 

“Deal,” you smile, feeling a glimmer of hope. 

Just like that, Vernon (from IT) becomes Vernon (your boyfriend). 

Sort of.

[eeunoia]

ENHYPEN Imagines

lacuna | pjs.

pairings: park jongseong x reader

synopsis: right after the disappearance of your bestfriend, you felt a big part of you missing. jay park, the rich school bad boy suddenly steps in to fill that gap. you let yourself fall into his trap, without knowing that his group of friends were the reason of your misery.

word count: 4.9k

warnings: yandere themes, mention of kidnapping, enhypen being obsessed, obsessive love, dark love and abuse of power & money. (let me know if i missed some)

note: this is jay’s entry for our yandere mini series. next part that will be posted is probably limerence (heeseung’s) part two. anyway, i hope you enjoy this one. replies and reblogs are highly encouraged. please please please! thank you so much, ily and stay safe!

fic moodboard › here

eeunoia 2024 © all rights reserved.

“Where’s Mom and Dad?” Jay asks while walking down the stairs. Some of their family helpers awaits him by the end of their long grand staircase.

“They left for a business trip, young master.” their head maid was the one who answered him. Jay sighs in dismay and gradually headed towards the main door of their mansion.

“Young master, how about breakfast?”

He rolled his eyes as his driver almost stumble to catch up on his pace. “I don’t want to eat all alone.” he spat coldly then heads to his service car without saying another word.

His drive towards their school is quiet. He tried to look out to the car’s window to divert his attention and ease his upset mood. This isn’t a great way to start his week. If he lets this affect him too much, his whole week is already ruined.

As their car parks right at the vacant slot on their school’s parking lot, his phone rang. He picks it up without checking who it was.

“What?”

“Where you at, dude? We’re here by the field.” it was one of his friends, Jake.

He sighs, “I just arrived the school. I’ll be there in five.” he lazily says.

“Okay, hurry up!” and he ended the call.

Jay rolls his eyes and his driver opens the car door for him. He went out and hangs one of his bag’s strap to his shoulder before walking to the direction of the field. He was planning to stop by the locker’s but since his friends demands him to go meet them, he have no other choice.

If people will be asked to describe Park Jongseong—also known as Jay, they will surely say that he probably have everything. Money, good looks, talent and influence. But that’s just what people see. They’re actually right. He’s handsome and the only heir to his parents' successful travel agency that have a lot of branches around the world.

There’s only one problem. For some reasons, despite having all these things and powers, Jay seems to feel empty. Like there’s a part of him that is missing that no other things can fulfill.

He already found a solution for that problem tho... And he will do everything in order to have it— more like her.

“Took you long enough.” Sunghoon stated as he walk closer to where they’re sat. Heeseung’s by the corner, eyes fixated at his phone screen. Jake’s in front of them and Jungwon’s beside him.

“What’s so important that we’re gathering here early in the morning?” he asks lazily then yawned. Sunoo rolls his eyes before focusing on Jake once again.

“Sunghoon will be executing our plan next week.” Jake announced that instantly drains Jay’s sleepiness. His senses starting to be more active as his friend walk them through the whole plan once again. Just to make sure everything will go smoothly.

“Oh yeah? Do you need help with anything?” Jay glances to Sunghoon’s side and he saw his friend’s relaxed look on his face.

He shakes his head, “Everything’s ready.”

He nods his head and continued listening to what Jake's saying. His friends are all quiet and just made sure they’re taking notes of the things he was asking to check before next week.

“There you are!” their heads snapped at the side when one voice interrupts. Jay’s brows raised at the same time at your familiar pretty face as you slightly pants after making at the bench where they’re gathered.

You sent Jay glares before glancing to the two boys standing near you, “I’m so sorry to interrupt you, Jake and Jungwon.” palms resting at your hips while panting to catch your breath.

“It’s fine, y/n. What’s up?” Jake smiles warmly.

You raised your hand and directed your pointer finger towards Jay.

“Him. I need him to come with me.” your words rings through Jay’s mind, almost making him space out completely. Some of his friends snickers chuckle secretly at how funny his reaction was.

“Jay?” Jake astounded tone made you glance at his direction. His eyes big and confused.

“He has detention and he skipped it yesterday.” you announced that made Yang Jungwon— the student council president sigh in disbelief.

Jay shrugs his shoulders off and eyed you with a small grin on his face. Your glares turned sharper as you think of many ways to end him today. He’s seriously giving you a hard time. You joined the student council for the extra points and stress is what you’re getting lately because of him.

“All right, he’s all yours.” Jungwon says and even laid his hand to the air, indicating that he’s letting you take his friend.

Jay snorted and stood up voluntarily. A playful grin plays through his sexy thin lips, “You heard the man. I’m all yours.” and he even sent you a wink.

Your cheeks blushed instantly, but you don’t make it too obvious. Instead of thinking about it too much, you swat his arm then drag him to your building. He chuckles, totally unbothered and didn’t even complained about it.

“Just admit it, y/n. You like me, don’t you?” his taunting tone made you halt your steps, ears turning red.

“Do you think I’m crazy? I don’t like you!” you hissed at him.

His smirk fell that caught you off-guard. Your face turned pale when you saw a glimpse of his eyes cold while staring at you. It was very odd. Jay’s always mischievous and always the one teasing you. He’s never been like this.

“You sure about that?” his serious tone sent direct chills to your spine, making you nervous.

“H-Huh? What’s with you...” you stuttered.

He stared at you silently for a bit more before he suddenly burst out laughing, making you furrow your brows. You stayed silent, not saying anything. You’re stunned and confuse to what’s happening.

“Did I scare you?” he continued laughing, even folding while holding his stomach that seems to start hurting from laughing so much.

Your face turned red out of anger and your hand quickly hit him by his arm. He groaned and caress it gently, eyes shooting glares at you.

“You’ve been hitting me too much lately.” he commented that you tried to ignore and started walking ahead of him.

Jay chuckles again and tried to catch up which you responded by acting like as if he’s not there. His grin grew wider at how you’re acting. He reaches for your arm and you tries to shove it off. He fails to grab you on the first two tries, then the third one his grip is tight.

“What?” tone sounding a bit annoyed.

“I thought you’re taking me to detention?”

“Your detention is later after class. I fetch you to help me grab our textbooks at the faculty room.” you cannot keep your stares that made him grin even more.

“Do I make you nervous?” he asks.

You pursed your lips and looked at him with a flashing guilt in your eyes. He suppress himself from laughing loud to prevent making you feel more embarrassed. He sighs and licks his lips.

“Let’s go, I’ll ignore it for you.” and he slide both of his hands inside his trouser’s pocket before walking towards the direction of the faculty.

Your gaze bore onto the back of his head, mind slowly spacing out. People around you often says how you two can never get along with each other. It is true. Most of the times, you two are arguing. But what other people doesn't know is that you secretly likes the bad boy, Park Jongseong.

“Saw you with Jay a while ago.” you sighed and looks at (friend name) smiling meaningfully at you.

“Don’t even start...”

She laughed, “Come on! I seriously think he likes you back. Why not confess?”

She rests her back at the railings of the corridor while you stand facing it, watching the field beneath you filled with students either playing soccer or trying to kill time until their next classes.

“It’s not that easy.” that’s true. Jay live through the days knowing that always you despise him. With how stingy you act around him, he probably have no clue. He will surely tease you to death once he knew his feelings for you. That’s honestly the last thing you wanted.

“Hmm, I know.” and your friend let out a heavy sigh.

This time, you smirked and raised an eyebrow at her.

“You basically indirectly confessed to Park Sunghoon. Almost everyone in the school knows about your feelings.”

She lets out a strained sigh and threw her head back to stare at the blue clear sky. Her pretty face is so admirable, something you can’t just miss if walking pass by her. Just like what you said, its not really a secret that she likes ‘thee’ Park Sunghoon. He’s one of Jay’s good friends and very popular with the girls as well.

“Yes. That’s so awkward.”

You stared right at her, “Why do you like Sunghoon so much?”

She glances at you, “Hey, what do you mean by that?” and she push your shoulder jokingly.

You made face, “It's just Park Sunghoon is so cold. He seems so mysterious.”

She chuckles, agreeing.

“And mysterious guys often have many secrets. You never really know.” its not that you’re being a bad friend of trying to be a kill joy. This is just you looking out for your friend, your best friend.

“That’s what I love about him.” she says bluntly, like a natural response.

It made you roll your eyes and act disgusted by it. She fights back with rolling her eyes as well that made you both giggling. Your vacant hours are perfectly spent talking about nonsense stuff, jumping from one topic to another.

Everything’s going smoothly, not until one morning. You woke up into the noise of your phone continuously ringing. When you stir from your sleep, leaving your dreamland completely, and glances at the wall clock. It’s just 4 am in the morning.

“Hello?” you answered your phone half-asleep, still dozing off a bit.

The muffled cries from the other line was like a slap that strips away the sleepiness. You momentarily pulls your phone away and checked the caller’s id. Seeing your friend’s mother’s contact instantly made you sat up from your bed.

“Auntie? What’s wrong?” you asked worriedly and reaches for the lamp beside the bed.

“Y/n...” she starts. Her heavy breaths and nonstop sniffing made you aware of how she’s crying so hard. Her strained voice is very obvious as well.

“(Friend name) is missing.” the line was clear and her words, despite being a little off, were clear. What doesn’t register to your system is what she’s trying to say.

“What do you mean missing? Hold on, Auntie.” you stood up and quickly grabbed your jacket to keep yourself from freezing then hurriedly head out.

“She didn’t come home last night! And I called your mom to check if she’s there, she said she didn’t came to your place.”

Your brows narrowed down and you saw your Mother on the phone, talking to somebody. When her eyes caught you, she signalled that she’s talking to someone important.

“Ah yes, she said her daughter didn’t come home last night... Yes, officer.”

“Mom is calling the police, Auntie. We’re going there, okay? Please calm down. I’m sure she’s all right. She probably just went somewhere and forgot to inform us.” you tried to console her while your head started to unconsciously list down places that you can go to.

After the calls to some of your Mom’s friends and the police, the two of you headed to her home to comfort her. A police car was already parked outside of the house and one officer is by the door, talking to your friend’s Mom.

Her tear stained eyes darted at you and quickly, you embraced her.

“Shh, Auntie. It’s going to be okay.” you whispered as your Mom continued talking to the officer because your friend's Mom are currently at her best state to talk.

“I’m so scared, y/n! What if she’s in trouble?” she cries hard on your shoulder that breaks your heart.

You tried to act strong in order not to make her feel down even more. She trembles in between your hug and you caress her back to somehow make her feel better.

“I'm sure she will show up. We will find her.”

Only, you didn’t. It’s been a whole week ever since your friend disappeared. Day by day its getting worst for her Mom and for you. She’s your best friend. You cherish her and she’s like a sister already. Not having her around made you feel so empty.

“Hey,” your head lifts when someone approaches your table.

It was Jay.

Usually he will have his mischievous grin, but not now. He have this soft, worried gaze while looking on you. He kept his stares, watching closely as you try so hard to pull a smile for him.

“Hi.” you greeted shortly.

He licked his lips, “I’m so sorry about (friend name).” he says that you answered with a nod.

He gestures the vacant chair beside you, asking if he can sit down and accompany you. Normally, you would decline and curse at him but a part of you wanted his presence so you nodded. He sat down quietly, eyes still darted at you.

“Any updates?” he asks.

Your eyes dropped at the stacks of missing posters in front of you, sitting at the table. A beautiful smiling picture of (friend name) printed on it and a big red ‘MISSING’ below.

“No. The police only have one person as their witness and its totally not helping.” your tone sounding so down, hopeless.

Jay sighs and rested his large hands on your back to caress it. Your eyes instantly waters, the tears you’ve been holding back starting to show. With lips slightly shaking you glanced back at him.

“J-Jay, I’m scared...” you admit, first time showing him a vulnerable side.

He was speechless, but you can see through his eyes that he’s so worried for you. He’s been noticing how you’ve been neglecting yourself ever since your friend disappeared. And its making him so sad.

“I’m so worried for her. What if something bad happened to h-her?” your voice cracks and eyes brimming with tears.

Jay was quick to console you.

“Hey,” he whispered with his softest tone then cupped your face, making you face him. “We will find her, okay?” those familiar words are the same ones you’ve been repeating to your friend's mom ever since she disappeared. Constantly repeating it to convince her and also to convince yourself.

Jay pulled your body closer to him, caging you into a tight, warm hug. Something you really needed at the moment. You cannot put into words how grateful you are that he’s there for you.

Ever since your friend vanished, things started to get messy. She’s been your comfort person and with her missing, its like you’re losing your mind.

You felt Jay’s lips on your forehead as he whispered comforting words.

“We’ll find her?” Jay stares right to his reflection at the bathroom’s mirror. He scoffs to himself, muttering low curses while washing his hand.

“How can we find someone who is not even really missing?” he mumbles and his gaze lifts as one of the bathroom stalls opened, revealing one of his close friends.

“Jay, man.” Jake and walks near the sinks to wash his own hand.

“You need to stop talking to yourself. People will think you’re crazy.” he grins teasingly at Jay and he just frowns.

Another stall opens and Sunghoon walks out from it, eyeing their direction.

“He is really crazy, tho?” he commented that earned a bark of laughter from Jake.

Jay clicked his tongue, “That’s big words from somebody who kidnaps a girl because he likes her so much?”

Sunghoon seems unbothered about his statement. Not just because it was true, but because he thinks its nonsense to argue with it. He just shrugged it off and smirked at his friend.

“You’re going to do it soon too, tho?” and starts washing his hands as well.

“Yeah, Sunghoon’s right.” Jake commented.

Jay whips his head and diverted his attention to his other friend. “Actually, you’re the crazier one.”

Sunghoon’s grin grew wider and just listens to his friends that are starting to bicker like little children. Jake complains, totally disagreeing about what Jay said.

“What? No, I’m not!”

Jay scoffed, “Really? Is it not crazy to put his girl inside a psych ward just because he learned that she’s leaving him?”

Sunghoon whistles, “I have to agree on that one, dude.”

Jake glances at Sunghoon, a hint of betrayal flashes through his eyes.

“For the record,” he starts and they look at him with eyebrows raising while waiting for his defence. Jake licks his lips as he tries to come up with a good comeback to what Jay fired at him.

“Fine!” he hissed, “And so what if I put her in ward? At least I’m sure she won’t be able to leave me, even if she wants to.” the smug smirk on his face is wide.

“Should I put mine in the ward too? Do you have a vacant room?” Sunghoon chuckles while asking that question to Jake.

“Yeah, we have vacant room for you as well.”

Jay laughed and watch how Sunghoon swat Jake’s arm. They soon decided to walk back to class. His eyes darted at your direction right away and Jay’s heart cracked at the sight of your sad face.

After class, Jay offered to help you with the missing posters and you’re very thankful for him. Their group of friends has been doing a lot and you couldn’t be more greatful. As far as you remember, none of them are personally close to you or your friend, but still with big hearts they offered to help.

While heading back to the building to get your things, your eyes unconsciously darted at one of the bulletin boards. From a distance, multiple papers are pinned to it. But one stands out the most, at least for you.

Your eyes trailed over to the tall figure that stands in front of it, staring right at the missing posters of your friend that you’ve placed their a few days ago.

The boy is very familiar to you. His fair complexion, uniform looking so neat and face looking so blank. You slowly head his direction and stood a few feet away.

“Terrifying isn’t it?” you said that caught his attention. From the corner of your eyes, you saw that he whips his head to the side and look at you.

“Do they have a lead?” he asks, almost sounding like a monotone.

That’s the first time you and him talked. Being in the same school together for years, this was the first interaction.

“Yeah, they said someone saw her being taken on her way home.” you answered.

An emotion flickers through his eyes for a split second, but it was impossible to tell what it was. He kept his blank face, eyes icy cold.

“I hope she will be found soon.” he stated.

His words are nice. It's the words you wanted to hear from most of them and you’ve heard that a lot of times already. But for some reasons, Sunghoon’s words felt empty. It slightly caught your attention. Then you realized that he’s always like that. Quiet and reserved. He’s not called the ice prince just for nothing. And so, you tried to just shrug it off and thanked him silently.

He was about to leave when you grabbed his hand. He turns his head to look at you and it made you feel on edge. His eyes are so intimidating.

“Here, in case you see her.” and you handed him a poster.

It maybe a bit stupid knowing he probably have a copy already since its been distributed to the whole school. He accepted it without any word then left. Your eyes lingers to him and watch how he walks away.

A small smile spreads across your face. “Come back now, (friend name). I can’t wait to tell you about how Sunghoon seem to worry for you.”

“So what did the detective said? Any updates?” your hand halts from holding your chopsticks because of Jay’s question.

It’s been a month ever since your friend disappeared and you grew closer with Jay. All the time, he was there to support you and comfort you.

“What?” you asked, glancing at him whose now enjoying his food. He slurps over his soup before throwing you a short glance.

“About that new detective (friend name)’s mom hired.” he repeated himself.

You stared at him without saying any word. That same emotion that you’ve been pushing at the back of your mind for weeks now. Jay’s been very nice ever since the disappearance of your friend and he fills the absence for the mean time, making sure you aren’t being too hard on yourself.

But it may sound nonsense, lately you’ve been noticing odd behavior from his friend group. Or you can say you’re sensing this weird vibe from them.

It may appear because they’re a different league that’s why, and that’s whay you try to convince yourself with. But something really doesn’t sit right for you.

Example for that is this...

How did Jay even knew about that detective your friend’s Mom secretly hired recently?

“Why are you looking at me like I’ve killed someone?” Jay chuckles awkwardly while placing an opened bottle of water in front of you.

“How did you even knew about it?” your tone sounded really curious that caught him off-guard.

He curses inside his mind, quickly thinking of a good escape to this mistake. Despite the slight panic, he tried hard to compose himself in order not to be too suspicious..

He scoffed, “What do you mean how did I know? Of course, through you.” he kept his stares to your eyes.

It made your brows narrowed, head tilting over to the side.

“Me? I told you about it?” you sound unsure about it, recalling and backtracking any past events where you might’ve mentioned it to him.

“Yes, baby.” he laughs, relieved that it shaken up the tension a bit. “What’s up with you? Seems like you are really stressing yourself too much.”

You stayed silent for a while before smiling.

“I guess you’re right. It might have slipped off my mind.”

He nods and slides a new side dish near you, “You should eat more.” he diverted the topic smoothly.

The tension dissipate and just like normally, you two went on your day. He kept talking about this place he’s been with his parents and how much he wanted to take you there this weekend to help you relax a bit. You tried so hard to listen, dismissing that negative thought off of your mind.

But it didn’t. Instead, it made you more observant over his group of friends. Giving meanings to every normal or little things they do.

“I’m on my way home now.” you said through the phone while going out from the bookstore.

Jay’s on the other line, calling to check on you after hanging out with his friends. According to him, practice ended earlier so they decided to go have fun.

“All right. I’m also near my house. Call me once you’re home?” he says softly.

“Hmm, take care.” you hummed.

“You too baby, i love you.”

Your heart races, mixed of emotions occupies you. These days, after being suspicious of him, your feeling starts to get shaken a bit. It made you realize how much you still don’t know about Jay.

After spending a lot of times together, you still barely know him. Except for the fact that he’s Park Jongseong, the rich bad boy from your school who happens to have feelings for you all this time.

“Y/n?” he calls you lightly that snaps you back to reality.

“Y-Yeah?”

“I said I love you.”

You gulped, “I l-love you too.”

The other line went silent for a while before you heard Jay’s gentle hum. He always does that whenever he’s satisfied hearing you say those words to him.

Before its also felt so good whenever you say it to him. You meant it with all your heart, but right now, you aren’t sure anymode. You still love him, after all you’ve been interested to him for a long time. It’s just, a mix of fear envelops those feelings.

Your eyes then caught the person you’ve been waiting for hours already.

Park Sunghoon.

“I’ll call you later, Jay.”

“Okay, stay safe.” he says in a low tone and ended the call.

Today, you made a bold decision to tail Park Sunghoon. He’s on your top list of suspicious people that are potentially involve to your friend’s disappearance.

He walks towards the bus stop and you can tell from the way his shoulder’s hanging low, he’s dead tired. Probably because of practice and hanging out with his friends.

You tried not to be too suspicious, making sure your presence is not noticeable. But Sunghoon usually don’t care about his surroundings. He just mind his own business and go on with his life. If he’s not involve or any of people he’s close with, he does not care.

As you approach him closer, you noticed him pulling out something from his pocket. At first, its so hard to tell what it is. But once you get a clear view, your stomach drops and heart felt like it stopped beating. Head empty as your feet moves on its own.

“W-Why do you have that?” you couldn’t help but to stutter and fear consumed you when he whips his head at your direction.

Sunghoon’s face remained emotionless. He doesn’t even look guilty at all or caught off-guard by your presence. It was like he was expecting it, like he knew you were there, following him.

“This is mine.” were his words.

Your eyes remained looking at him with such horror, tears brimming. With trembling lips you shake your head.

“N-No... that’s (friend name)’s! I gave it to her! My granda made that.”

You can’t be wrong. It’s impossible to have the exact same handkerchief. Your granda personally made that for you and your friend.

He took a step closer that made you instantly step back in fear. You roamed your eyes around and her heart fell at the sight of the bus stop being totally isolated. It is already a bit late and so there are a few people here. It's just the two of you.

The thought of being here with the possible reason why (friend name) went missing scared you to death.

“W-What did you do to her?” your tone sounded so accusing as your fist balls to prevent it from shaking. With clenched jaw, you gather all the courage to look over his deadpanned face.

He was just caught red handed but he seemed unbothered at all. He approached and caught (bestfriend’s name) off guard. She hit him with her bag and he was stunned for a moment.

You just caught him red handed, but he seemed so unbothered. He took a step closer that caught you off-guard and made you hit him with your bag. Something got caught with his gym bag and when you look down, your favorite keychain lays beneath his feet.

“Where is y/n?! Give her back!” you tried screaming through your lungs, hoping that someone may hear and help you.

And someone did. That person slowly and quietly looms closer, taking advantage of your full attention being on Sunghoon to take action.

Sunghoon turned his head towards you and you can’t describe what you felt when you met his cold dark eyes, “You will never find her, no one will.” and with that, he advanced making you scream in fear.

“Quiet, baby.” from your back, an arm hold you still, tugging your body closer to theirs. His free hand then went towards your face to cover you with a cloth, that slowly took your consciousness away.

Even before you can react and try freeing yourself, Jay’s familiar face came into your view.

“Shh, its all right. I’m here.” his whispers are muffled as everything slowly became black.

Sunghoon slid his hands inside his pockets while watching Jay fixed his hold on you. Eventually, a familiar black SUV parked near where they’re at then one of Jay’s men went outside to assist him.

He carries your unconscious body easily then carefully placed it inside the SUV. Sunghoon was just there, silently watching. His eyes roams around to check if there’s anybody to witness what they’re doing.

“Perfect.” Jay whispers and pants with a smile.

He closes the door to their car and glances at Hoon, still standing by the bus stop. He nods his head with a thumbs up that his friend only nonchalantly responded with a nod.

After Jay went inside the car and drove off along with you. Sunghoon trudges towards the bench when he stepped on something. He looked down and saw your keychain that fell off a while ago.

He sighs and picked it up. He stared at it for a while and realized that (friend name) had the exact same keychain. A small smile appears across his face, remembering you. His head perks up after hearing the arrival of the bus and as he walks towards it, he unconsciously slides the keychain inside his pocket.

permanent tag-list:

@rubyanne @map-of-border @hwangjangmi @13tter @candewlsy @simpforniki @classicroyalty @hime98 @moonsclassyslore @ddeonubaby @yeoungie @acciomylove @mymeloem19 @jvngw0n @dreamjerky @minamoons @clar-iii @herasalvatore @nyfwyeonjun @rcveribin @yizhoutv @one16core @soobin-chois @kyutiepeachy @chareadingpurposes @hwalllllllelujah @solelyenha @90sni-ki @nourhan-8 @nikipedia07 @yangbreads @drunkjazed @axartia @all4haru @sta-rie @purplepuppychild @iceeee @wtfhyuck @tobiosbbyghorl @nikililmj @ayayiiie @aeyeree @heeseung-min @in-somnias-world @psh-pjh @hveanlyanqelic @woocury

[housemdork]

house md rewatch: 1x02, "paternity"

they introduced so many longstanding threads in this episode!

free-standing notes from the top of the episode:

i miss the old opening every time i hear it

wilson has been refurbished from his episode 1, blank-slate, awkward haircut persona! he looks, talks, and acts more like himself now.

house's red sucker/lollipop (i hate that word lol) and red mug have made their first appearances.

house is much more his conniving little shit self here, but hugh laurie's voice is still finding that Sweet Spot.

features the show's first lumbar puncture!

also features the first reference to house's frequent sex workers.

this episode helped me realize how deep-seeded and integral house's fatherly trauma is to the show. it comes up subtly and infrequently going forward, but the groundwork being laid so early emphasizes how important it is for his character - and for the surrounding cast!

house is convinced that the patient's (dan) parents are not his biological parents and game-ifies the potential discovery by making a paternity bet with the usual PPTH gang - another first. but since the fact that dan was adopted, and his parents concealed this, is the key to solving the case, house md shows the audience early that parentage is a big deal.

and you know who exemplifies this strongest in 1x02? DOCTOR ROBERT CHASE!

i said that his characterization was a lacking compared to his duckling counterparts in 1x01, and "paternity" more than made up for it. throughout the episode, he's chasing after house's approval by guessing what/where he's alluding, offering a half-baked answer for some fleeting validation, and being all smug about it when it works ^. yet it's chase's need for validation that, paradoxically, inspires the team to reach for extraneous solutions and eventually come upon the answer. he's got his own portion of house-isms - outside of the box thinking - but through the wrong and inorganic method.

and since he truly becomes house's symbolic son by the show's conclusion, it's fascinating to see this thread so early. foreman already carries himself like an equal, or at least someone striving to be an equal, to house; chase is molding himself into house. foreman's innate house-like characteristics are not natural to chase, and i think a lot of their conflict stems from this subliminal fact.

also, regarding the patient dan, when it comes to light that he was adopted, he reveals to cameron and foreman that he's known since the fifth grade because he has a cleft chin, while his parents don't. house makes an almost identical judgment when he was 12 to discern that his dad was not his biological father in season 5. interesting stuff!

separately, a random detail i noticed was the recurrence of red this episode. the first, the red sucker (the first of house's oral fixations besides vicodin), the second his mug, which is pretty integral to his office, then cameron's shirt in the midway point of the episode, and then wilson's tie soon after.

i'm not entirely sure of what to make of this. the wacky saturation of the early episodes exaggerates the sudden pop of color, for sure, but it's also intriguing to note that house is ruthlessly objectifying cameron during this scene while wearing the brightest color in the episode. hmm. the enlightened few see where i'm going here, i'm sure. (i'm also thrilled to see that Hilson Picture Of All Time in all its original glory).

i also wanted to mention the major presence that hallucinations have in "paternity" because it's (obviously) a plot device that will drive the most gripping of house md's storyline.

season 1 is clearly capitalizing on all the scariest medical mysteries and scenarios as soon as possible to grab audience attention, but the hallucinations stick. arguably the most intense moment in "paternity" is when dan almost throws himself off the roof because he thinks he's playing lacrosse on the field. this figment transports dan back to where he feels he belongs, where he wants to be most in the world, and what this sudden illness has taken away from him.

house, having disregarded the old MS diagnosis, is equal parts thrilled and sobered by this development. he says, quite sagely, to the team that dan's brain is "a sick brain. having fun...torturing him. scaring the hell out of him." even just by his tone of voice, viewers can discern that house is speaking from some kind of lived experience, and that lived experience will spell house's repeated downfall throughout the show. hallucinations are quickly marked as some of the deepest, darkest corners of potential illness. house md teaches its audience to fear them and to always doubt what's being presented to them.

finally, we got the first (and one of the saddest!) reflections on house's disability.

it's commonplace for seasoned viewers, but as early as 1x02, house md showcases how house longs for his "before" life (i'm using language here that i think house would, not what i believe in regarding irl lived experiences!). we don't know yet what's happened to house that took away some of his mobility, but we know that it emotionally pains him, and physically, too, since he's popping and sharing generic pain pills right and left. remember when we didn't even know that it was vicodin?

and wilson? he looked pretty. and we also got a glimpse into not how house corrupts him in the present, but how he arrives in the narrative pre-corrupted. wilson dives right into the decidedly immoral paternity bet just because his bestie asked. below is the face of a man who knows he's being influenced badly, but who's also used to going along with it:

overall - great follow up to the pilot. i, again, didn't expect to have so much to say, but i'm especially excited by the early daddy issues appearance. it will definitely inform how i read chase from here on out!

[athousandbyeol]

i can't stop thinking about this scene.

it was so light-hearted. sheng wang was all-smiley after finishing (perhaps multiple rounds) of revising and studying. but the lively atmosphere simmers down into this thick and stifling tension once jiang tian opens his closet.

honestly, if i were sheng wang, i would have so many questions too. why is he packing? is he going somewhere? but where? so, whatever sheng wang is thinking or feeling at the moment is valid (to me, at least, it is.)

i think it has so much to do with sheng wang's expression here (liu dong qin, the actor you are) that breaks my heart into tiny, million pieces.

it's in the way his eyes follows every movement of jiang tian, but particularly directed at the opened luggage, that has me thinking of sheng wang's fear of separation. the trauma he experienced when he was just a little boy.

i can't imagine how he felt when he saw his beloved mother collapsing to the ground—at the age so little to grasp the situation—to comprehend the meaning of sadness and grief and death.

he was broken. he was devastated. but those feelings as a child were just feelings. but the adult sheng wang now understood that those feelings come with bitter memories and realisations that death is inevitable, and death is permanent. his mother won't come back to him no matter how frequently she visits him in his dreams (and wake).

his heavy breathing. his fixated stare. that feeling of abandonment is washing over him again. they're coming in slow, steady and destructive.

so when jiang tian approaches him with the said book that has more extensive questions, he still can't look away. not until jiang tian realises that sheng wang's attention is now elsewhere.

and he finally asks,

i personally adore how benjamin acted this scene out. jiang tian immediately glances over at the luggage, somehow already knowing the context/direction of this conversation. (it's in the subtlety of benjamin's acting here that has me going nuts.)

when sheng wang asks this question, it reminds me of this scene in episode 1,

jiang tian was looming in front of sheng wang's house, wondering if he should stay or leave. possibly his only destination would be uncle ding's house. maybe he has nowhere to go, to be honest.

sheng wang immediately called him, voicing out his thoughts. and the context is similar—are you leaving?

although jiang tian answers sheng wang's question, not leaving him hanging the way he did in episode 1, it's still not enough. the reason being, as of right now, we're knowledgable of sheng wang's past. but what about jiang tian? we know nothing about him. we just know this boy is closed off and distant and cold and grumpy. but why?

these questions are the answers. but sheng wang doesn't know. not yet.

they could have just dropped the conversation here. but this is one of (the many) things i notice about sheng wang: he's always curious. always seeking answers. even in his studies, he would ask crab (i love you, friend) for the solution. and we saw some instances where jiang tian would share the method he used, etc, only to help him. and i think it's being presented at a different light here. sheng wang is waiting. he's waiting for jiang tian to give him answers.

as jiang tian says it's a habit, it might not be the answer sheng wang wanted, but it was needed, at least, only for the night.

it's so overwhelming to me how jiang tian has always been providing sheng wang with safety, happiness, anger, irritation, fun, answers and questions. how susceptible sheng wang is with everything jiang tian is. they are like mirrors reflecting one another. because for me, jiang tian is like a closed book, but i could understand him once i start reading. but sheng wang, he's more layered. he's open but also secretive. he expresses emotions, but not everyone reciprocates and understands him. not until jiang tian.

and i'm no longer sane in the head because of this.

[penguin-stars]

Does Kim Soleum really need the Wish Ticket?

Isn't it odd how fixated he's on getting that ticket?

Kim Soleum's approach to solving ghost stories so far has always been rational, he's always looking for alternative solutions whenever he gets thrown into one. His solutions always end up being kinder and or safer than the intended answer.

And he's pretty good at it, his unconventional approaches are what got him Brown's attention after all.

So why is it that with the one thing he wants oh so desperately, it's the thing he's been approaching most sloppily compared to his other methods?

He's so adamant that the ONLY way of getting out of this ghost story-filled world is by getting Daydream's wish ticket, and hasn't considered an alternative for a moment. He wasn't even completely sure the potion would work before heading into Daydream's chicken race, mind you.

That's so unlike him, at least of what we've seen so far. At this point, we have to rely on the (sometimes unreliable) information that he gives us and assume that there's really no other way, at least that can be found in the wiki.

And not only the wish ticket, his behavior has been too reckless to say the least:

Spending all of his money, because he will not need it once he goes back to his own world

It doesn't matter if he promised the Blue Dragon to go back to the park eventually, or that Brown is too attached to him. It's not like once he goes back to his Og world, they can follow him, since ghost stories are not real over there.

He won't really have to think about the consequences of going into the Bureau as a spy, it's not like he meant any harm, and he'll be long gone before having to deal with the aftermath

But, if he could be pulled into this ghost story world and he can (presumably) get out by using the wish ticket, then... doesn't that mean that he can be pulled right back in after getting out?

He's slowly gaining things and bonds attaching him to this world, and nothing stops whatever dragged him in from coming back for him once he's out.

Spoilers below (I'll be bringing up stuff that happens after chapter 170)

There's this theory floating around that Soleum may originally have been the Yellow Dragon mascot from Daydream

(The Blue Dragon called him family and gave him the Socius tattoo, and KSE became associated with the color yellow/golden after becoming the resort's manager)

And isn't it interesting? We're back at chapter one again!

"You'll treasure it, right?" for the Daydream ID card, followed by "Lies."

If Director Ho is the Red Fox and Soleum is the Yellow Dragon, does that mean that Soleum ran away and Ho dragged him back in retaliation? Does he feel betrayed?

Director Ho's curse is presented as something omnipotent that you shouldn't even consider breaking, yet Agent Choi found a loophole, and the Tiger General from Mt Seorak was able to lift the curse.

There ARE ways of solving things that KSE previously thought were inescapable. Ways that he either doesn't know about or that he's simply not considering.

All I'm saying is that the Wish Ticket may not be his only way out, and that before heading out, he needs to address the reason why he was brought in in the first place.

• Footnote because I didn't know where to put this: But if we ever get confirmation of what KSE actually is, I hope it comes from the Aliens, since they seem to be able to see this world without being affected by ghost stories' restrictions

[psychotrenny]

All these annoying tumblr liberals take it for granted that everyone agrees on the trolley problem solution. Like I personally think the whole thing is fucking stupid, but isn't the entire point of the trolley problem to be a morally challenging brain teaser. Like maybe I think the correct solution is to leave the lever alone and let it run over the 5 people. Clearly plenty of people do; it would be a pretty shit thought experiment if there was an obvious answer everyone chose.

Between this and the "99% Hitler" bullshit like "Vote Blue" libs love to fixate on the weakest possible metaphors; shit that can barely convince other liberals let alone anyone with a materialist ideology. But then again they clearly aren't political geniuses, because then they'd be spending their time engaged in more effective activism than harassing random strangers online. It's nothing more than politics as lifestyle, a tool for emotional and moral gratification and not a tool for actually changing the world. A much more nihilistic and bleak view of politics than any "cynical tankie"

[acupofinkedblood]

Scythe and child reader

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

• The fact that the Cult of True Eye is filled with eccentric in the most questionable way imaginable is not something that one needs to remind any of you folks at this point. Everyone knows they are a different breed of delusional mixed with murderous tendencies aside for a few somewhat ‘neutralized’ members. Of course, with that being said, how can we forget the most infamous of them all? Scythe has a dark reputation to uphold under the name of her belief, a pure headache for every Banland’s police officers that has to be unfortunate enough to be in charge of her case. Now think of this: With all that being said about Scythe being such a peril, would anyone trust her with a kid? The answer is obviously no, right? But the day every other cultists see Scythe with you in her hand, their jaws will never recover the same way ever again

• Unexpectedly — maybe a bit unfortunately or ironically if you know what I mean — enough, in a random day full of unspoken events that only you know, Scythe has stepped up and took you under her wing. What was the cause of her actions? Well, only you can find out what is it. Mostly everyone in the cult has wondered the same thing since the day she announced that you will be under her care. They don’t know if she meant as a parental figure or a mentor, but maybe both? You can’t really assume things about Scythe without theorizing it out of context to make it multidimensional. So she might have ulterior motives, or she might not. All she does is for the cult’s sake, so that should explain a bit of her reasoning at some point. Don’t worry about your head, it will be safe, she isn’t a monster after all...As long as you don’t cross her the wrong way. But either way, you have found someone to look up to!

• First thing first, you will have to be in the family first before she can take care of you. That means you will have to join the Cult of True Eye, and it’s not debatable. Scythe will tell you all about the cult with her vision — highlight this part because she will tell you things as she sees it, not how it is actually supposed to be in real life’s circumstances — as she will convince you at some point. The cult will provide you anything you need or want, give you the boost that you are currently lacking to move forward without hesitation. And of course, they are a family! And family always have each other’s back. She will list out everything that you have been wanting for so long, and give you the solution by telling you to join her. Don’t underestimate Scythe when she is fixated on making a point. Before you even realize, your eye is already gone as you receive your new uniform. Not an easy price, but compared to what you will have in the future? It’s not a bad bargain

• But forget about how ominous that sounds, let’s skip to the part where one tells you what type of guardian Scythe will be like! Honestly, Scythe is the type of parental figure who will give the impression of someone similar to a trusted older sibling rather than an actual parent. She isn’t what the traditional definition of a good mother would call, but she gives off that specific vibe of the responsible yet chaotic vibe of an older sister that will be your best friend sometimes. Sure, she still has her moment of seriousness when it comes to business or matters that require her to drop the facade, but for the majority of the time she will make you feel at home with how laidback she is without any obvious pressure. Thinking of a mother who you can do all the crazy thing together and laugh about it at the end of the day, then you will see my point when applying that to Scythe. A fun mother, like that

• Scythe is protective of you to a certain degree, and that is what drives her to be firm with you. Of course, you can always come to her with your problem or you want her company for a good time, she is all for that. But that doesn’t mean she will be irresponsible with keeping you on your toes. Scythe wants to ensure your safety as you are on her watch constantly. That means she will have some rules that she expects you to follow without any questions being asked. Half of the list will be related to the cult as well as raising awareness about how you shouldn’t trust any outsiders with your back. When you put it under Scythe’s perspective, most of them are actually pretty understandable since letting strangers outside of the family get to you and influence you with their mindset is the last thing she wants, especially after what happened years ago with someone that became the black sheep of a traitor to the family. And yes, she has specific rule that is involved in her business personally. Don’t ask, just follow. She’s already leisure with you enough, so it’s not that much to ask, right?

• She tends to try and balance herself when it comes to you. Basically she is not too soft, but not too rough with you either. She is not the uptight type of parent who will suffocate you too much like a jailed bird in a glided cage with rules and mannerisms. But get this, she is definitely not the type of guardian that will let the bird in said cage fly free without a monitor strapped in its feet. Scythe allows you to have your freedom as long as it’s fitting with the family’s standards. They are all crazy folks anyway, so you are free. Just don’t go against their teachings. If anything, Scythe tries to make it comfortable enough for you so that she won’t have to respond by drastic measures if you’re misbehaving out of control. Raising someone when you’re putting your belief as the top priority is definitely not an easy thing to balance, and even though Scythe knows what she does is essential for both you and the cult, she definitely needs you to let her know how has her progress gone. Just don’t bring the cult into it, it can end in a different way. She is still that easygoing mother that will pull your leg but then helping you up in her arms, so don’t worry about it too much

• Scythe will try her best to make sure that she includes you into her schedule to spend time with you enough that she has an influence over your life, not just be there for a moment then disappears into thin air to get the milk. After all, she has made a promise to always be there for you during the first time she met you. Scythe knows how to keep her promise. And hey, she is genuinely fond of you, so why shouldn’t she spend time with her kiddo? Work when it comes to harvesting again is what she has to do as long as she is still serving the church, but outside of that, she is willing to have some fun with you because she can. Who is going to stop her? They don’t have any reason to do that, and she dares them to ever try that

• Will she spoil you? Absolutely. Aside from taking horns, Scythe usually takes things from her victim’s belongings and brings them back as a collection of trophies, that means she has quite the treasures after each harvest. Of course, feel free to select your pick as you wish. Most of them are jewelry or interesting items that caught her eye. But if you have ever shown signs of an interest in a specific type of items like watches, statuettes or even just some invaluable trinkets, you best believe that Scythe will come home one day randomly with that to surprise you. She does wipe off the blood stains it, so don’t worry too much. But just wash it again in water though, just to get rid of the iron scent it leaves. But either way, a win is still a win, and finders keepers

• She will teach you all about being a good cult member while still keeping that special part of who you are, as long as it doesn’t go against the rest of the teachings. It would be a real shame to look into if you become the outcast of the freaks, no? Everyone that they have recruited here is a special kind of — people call them crazy, Scythe call them unique — like that. That includes you. As long as you have your good manners in pocket and keep everything settled, you’re already half way there in learning how to blend in! The teachings aren’t too complicated to grasp, Scythe is more than happy to guide you through the whole thing so that you and her can see things the same way! Like mother like child, right? If we don’t dwell too much about the details of the actual things that happen within the church, then one will say that you will be fine, probably

• Still worried about not being able to fit in and get in troubles with those who see you as a thorn in their eyes? Rest assured, Scythe is here to the rescue! Believe me when I say this woman’s presence alone will make everyone suck up with air stuck in the middle of their throat even when a moment ago they’re still so full of themselves. Scythe doesn’t tolerate any kind of discrimination within the family out of spite, especially when you are the target of it. Everyone knows better than to cross Scythe and her limits, and she will make it clear to everyone that you are one of the things on the list that holds her back from massacre every dumbasses in the room. Scythe has authority, so if she can use it to pipe down the whole bullying that is happening to you, she will do it. After all she just maintains harmony, no biased opinion because you’re her kid, right?

• But still, she won’t be there for you all the time. Scythe has work to carry out after all. Even with her influence that makes people recognize the potential danger which will happen if she finds out they have been mistreated you, Scythe wants you to be able to defend yourself. Like c’mon, you are under her care and all, what will people think if they figure out that you have to be dependent on her all the time to protect you because you can’t even lift a finger to get your head out of troubles? That marks the beginning of your training with Scythe. It’s a honor really, since Scythe doesn’t take that much interest in someone to even have the patience of being a mentor in the long term. She will teach you how to break bones, mark my words. Most of the time Scythe will encourage you to keep your strength into good use since you have better thing to do rather than paying attention to those who aren’t worth it, but if someone offends you? Oh she will encourage you to become their new nightmare. Even Scythe has a short temper, she will be an absolute hypocrite if she tells you to just ignore them. As long as you win what you have started, she will be so proud of you

• To be frank though, Scythe does have expectations for you. That’s why she takes off her time to train you to be stronger. After all, if she has taken care of you personally, might as well helping you become strong enough so you can tag with her in the future, right? Just imagine one day you will be right there by her side, be within the thrill of the chase and live as her legacy. How cool would that sound? One Scythe is already enough to make Banhammer hits his fist against the wall, and with your appearance, he might as well chant prayers to hope that an invisible force will drag the two of you down on his behalf. However, training you to be on her level is a long way. She did promise that once you can beat her, she will put you up on a mission to celebrate your accomplishments. But that’s when you are able to be stronger enough under her gaze. Others she can take it easy because that’s what the elders say, but you? She is serious with you because this will affect your safety in general as well. So unless you’re strong enough, you are going to stay. No but, she won’t risk you holding her back because you can be easily targeted. This isn’t about her, this is about you and your wellbeing

• On the top of that, no matter what gear you are currently wielding, Scythe will take her time to bring you back a custom ranged gear as a gift. Yeah that’s just the fancy way of saying she gifted you a gun. Yeah, a gun. No matter if you’re a teenager or a young adult or something, she will still gift you a gun in a special occasion after she deemed you to be ready to carry it. Think of it as her way to give you the head up of the ‘it is okay to be a little shit to life’ with that shit-eating grin of hers. The gun will be a custom artificial gear that had the cult’s aesthetic marks within it, and your initial! If you don’t know how to use it, then she is right where you know where to find her. Scythe has a good vision that always aims for the bullseye of the walking target she is after when the chase is over, so you don’t have to worry about her eyesight being unstable to aim for something. Think of it as some quality time together when she teaches you to hunt with your new gift!

• Although one won’t deem her as the prefect parent due to the extreme belief she has carried for so long. But if we put that aside and just look at her actual effort of taking care of you this entire time, that does seem like she genuinely cares for you - and she does! Scythe cares for you more than she can allow herself to ever show it. She is worried about you because she knows that if you’re still weak, you can be a target to her enemies against her. And if she isn’t there to protect you, then Scythe will never be able to forgive herself. If one day you suddenly disappear and she knows that your life is being seriously threatened because of her, she will break. Scythe tries to carry her image so that you don’t have to worry about her and to make the outsiders believe that she doesn’t care about you. But when you are at home, you know how she is exactly

• To prepare you for what the cult does in the future is what she plans on doing slowly so that it won’t scare you off right immediately. Scythe has made that mental note that not everyone is as acceptance as her, and not everyone has gone through what she been through in the past to just accept the cruel way of surviving through violence. She knows it well, and she also knows that if she really wants you to think like her, she has to do it gradually step to step. Scythe will have to figure out a way for you to trust her words completely without you doubting the morality of your actions. She won’t call it ‘brainwashing’, more like ‘showing you the real nature of this world’. And with all due respect, she is good at it. She has planned to make you her legacy when the time comes, so these preparations are necessary. Slow, but steady, you will understand why she does that. Mother knows best, no?

• A typical conversation with Scythe is surprisingly comfortable. She is really laid back whenever she isn’t on the mission. Well technically she always carries that whole not-taking-anything-too-serious facade even when she is being chased down, but she seems to be less — now what is the word for it, ah — complicated. You can come to her for a fun talk without stressing yourself on what should you say or what should you not. In the end, she will laugh it off while smacking your back. It hurts a bit, but she means well. It’s like a friend-to-friend conversation where she lets you speak your mind freely, and that feeling is definitely a positive one.And she is such a yapper. And if you’re willing to let her tell you all of those stories in full details how she escaped the idiotic warden with a glamorous attitude with barely a scar on her beautiful face, then let me sit you down kid because she can go on and on. Scythe likes to brag about her achievements to you, since she thinks that will make you look up at her even more with how skilled and cool she is. After all, Scythe is a prideful Inphernal who does things professionally, a good figure to learn from, eh?

• Speaking of that, she adores gossiping more than you give her credit for. If you ever hear something within the cult, even when it’s just those trivial matter of someone’s personal life, trust me when I say her ear will turn to you first before her eyes so you can get that as the hint to continue so she can listen too. Don’t just keep all the tea to yourself, she wants to hear it too. One thing that might catch you off guard when it comes to Scythe is how she has the most judgmental face that you can ever imagine when listening to gossip. The more shocking it is, the more her face will be more colorful as if words are written on it. It’s actually hilarious when she does that face. Sometimes the Broker joins mid conversation to support your gossip too. And honestly you might as well join Scythe with the whole judging side eye thing with the details he provided about the unlucky folk that is the center of attention in your conversation. It’s actually funny how the three of you have formed a gossip trio that is all there for the shits and giggles without worry about anything

• While we are on the topic with the face of the Broker we all love — yes, the one we all love, don’t argue with one on this one, at least not in front of Scythe for everyone’s sake — and know, he is definitely the interesting guy when it comes to be in contact with you. Scythe trusts him, and she already lets you know that at some point you can rely on him when she is away too. Basically she trusts him to babysit you or something similar like that. Think of him as the fun uncle! He knows how to keep things lively as well as keeping you entertained. Sometimes he even takes you out to Crossroads when he has a business and just let you stay there so that he can keep a better eye on you while working. Afterwards, it’s like a joyride with your uncle who adores chaos with your company. But is the Broker the best person you can ever entrusted with the duty that involves a kid if you’re a sane person? No. Absolutely not. But is Scythe a sane person? Oh hell no. That’s why she is able to trust Broker with you. And oh boy does she have a headache because of her decision

• There is this one time when Scythe lets you stay with the Broker while she is on a mission. And coincidentally, Broker has a phone call for business not long after Scythe has left. He can’t really just drop you alone at the church again after Scythe trusts him with you, and honestly he doesn’t really like how ran down the place is, that’s why he prefers his hideout at Crossroads anyway. So after a good moment of brainstorming, he decides to just tag you along since he figures what can even go wrong. Jokes on him, something can go wrong. Who would have thought that he would be found out by the Banland’s polices on patrol? If you weren’t there, Broker would gladly stay and get his hand dirty, but too bad, he can’t leave you in danger, not when Broker already loses his body as those brute slice his head out. Luckily you’re able to pick his head up and continue to run. And so the two of you just hide before Scythe’s instinct goes ‘something is wrong’ and manages to catch up with you two after finishing her harvest quicker than expected. Thankfully, the location of her mission and the place where you hide with Broker isn’t that far away from each other. Scythe literally has to pick you carrying Broker’s head and lecture both of you the whole way back

• Scythe loves showing that she cares about you through physical affection. But well, those type of affection isn’t technically the one you’re currently thinking. Ruffling your head, smacking your back, pinching your cheek…well, they can be a bit harsh, but she never goes overboard with it. It’s a playful gesture in a feigned aggressive manner anyway, and it fits Scythe more than those typical gentle actions to show love. She likes to specifically pick you up and just dangling you in the air for fun as if you’re a cat being held as a hostage in air jail. Scythe enjoys surprising you from behind as she will just wrap her arm around your neck and pull you back while laughing at your reaction. That look on your face is more than priceless. Asking Scythe for a hug when you’re feeling down is actually not that hard. She might be surprised at first, but she still agrees as long as it lifts your spirits. Heck, she will even carry you on her back if you want

• Sometimes you can’t predict this woman at all despite spending most of your time under her guidance. Scythe has the habit to let her hat cover her face when she is sleeping on the couch of just anywhere that is not her bedroom. And sometimes she does it not because she is sleeping, but rather fully awake and uses her ears to detect what are you trying to do. You might lost count how many time when you’re about to sneak out or just do something that you aren’t supposed to do in that time while you assume Scythe is sleeping when she is in the same room, she has scared you to near death as she suddenly speaks. The other time that she manages to scare you is her ability to just sneak around in the dark with no sound. You’re already used to her heels tapping the ground whenever she walks, but have you prepared yourself for the fright when you found out she can move without a sound? Just imagine walking in the dark with barely any light source and your guardian just peekaboo you without a warning. She definitely owes you quite the potential medical bills for heart attack. She is too unpredictable, it’s not healthy for your heart at all

• But funny enough, Scythe isn’t fearless as we all know. Even when she enjoys catching you off guard just for fun due to your reaction, she is in fact scared of one thing that she would rather choking down on five bottles of vodka than admitting that with a straight face at all cost. And that thing is…ghost. Yeah, ironic, isn’t it? The woman who had been head to toes with the fearsome warden of Banland, the one whose blade strike down with blood stained her hand without any hesitation, the one who had caused the authorities quite the nightmare is having nightmare herself with ghost. There is this one time the Broker tried to scare her when it’s Halloween, and you literally have to catch his head because Scythe was so startled that she just punched his head immediately with a force that could make his head do a home run if it wasn’t for you to catch him. If you ever try to tell Scythe a ghost story, she will literally pinch your mouth without a second thought. Yes, you heard one, she would pinch your lips to shut you up when your mouth looks like a duck’s beak with her fingers, no jokes

• She won’t claim that she can sing that very well, she is more leaning to vibe with the melody rather than expressing it. The least she will do is dance it off to the rhythm, maybe dragging you or the Broker in for the fun of it too. However, that doesn’t mean she is completely tone deaf. One thing that not many people know about Scythe is the fact that she actually sings without making it into a disaster. And she has a habit to hum whether she is chasing her prey down or just standing idly with nothing better to do. Her voice isn’t too good or anything, asking her to sing something like a lullaby will probably earn you a knock on the head alongside a dismissive grin. But does that mean she can’t? No. Scythe’s voice when she hums can be soothing as long as she is at peace. You might have heard her hum a tune before when she doesn’t even realize it herself. If you want her to sing — more like hum in this point — you to sleep, you gotta try and convince her a lots more. Who knows? She might surprise you one day if you’re too tired to even recognize her humming

• Scythe is pretty open-minded when it comes to other stuff that doesn’t involve the cult’s morals and so on. She is the one who believes in fun parenting which allows you to fuck around and find out the lessons yourself because it’s much more easier to understand rather than listen to a lecture on and on, it’s just boring and won’t get you anywhere. She will let you do anything and then wait for you to come back to tell her what happened. You want to go to somewhere not-so-legal? Just don’t get caught. You want to try something not-so-legal? Just don’t get caught. You are seeing someone? Convince them to join the cult if you can, and don’t get caught. You want to this or that? Sure, do whatever you want, just don’t get caught and call her whenever it gets too tough or when you need someone to bail you out by force. Seriously, Scythe allows you to anything as long as it doesn’t kill you

• She is definitely there for the chaos too. Like it’s mentioned before, Scythe is all for the fun parenting that doesn’t really fit the traditional criteria of a responsible parent. But does she care about those? Oh they wish. Scythe wants you to mess around and learn from those lessons rather than keeping you within a bubble for the rest of your life. That involves letting you try the things that someone won’t usually let a kid do. I mean, she already gives you a gun, everything that normal folks deem as ‘dangerous’ to you seems like child’s play at this point. Even when things have consequences, as long as it’s not that serious that will threaten you or anyone’s safety to that extreme point, she can let it slide. Everyone knows that Scythe drinks wine. If you ever want to try it even though you’re not supposed to, she will just smirk and let you try a sip before and just burst out laughing directly at your reaction because how are you supposed to know that it’s heavy as hell? Scythe is just built different, hence why her liver hasn’t burn from it yet

• Long story short, Scythe does the best as she can when taking care of you. Even her way of doing it is definitely a bit controversial, but she does what she believes is good for your development. At the end of the day, she doesn’t just raise you to be the next big thing of the church, she raises you because it is her duty to uphold that promise she made with you when she became your guardian. Having Scythe as your parental figure is definitely a wild experience due to her eccentricity, but it’s not necessary a bad thing at all. You’re her kid after all, and she might not be the best, she definitely has her way to raise you right to her own standards. At the end of the day, you’re still her little ankle biter, her little rascal and the fun-sized chaos that she cares for until this day

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝

[nobigsecrets]

There are quite a few posts criticizing Buck for not knowing what the Kinsey Scale is and his apparent lack of interest in queer themes and I just want to say this: living in the moment and not questioning your status quo, especially if you're content with it, is a typical ADHD character trait too.

It doesn't mean that Buck is not interested in queer stuff. I mean, we all know how unpredictable hyperfixations are, how they get you when you least expect it. And we also know the opposite is true, that you can't force yourself into being fixated on something when you're not in the right mindset for it, even if the topic in general does interest you.

What it can mean though is that Buck is slightly dreading dealing with the topic. As much as it seems on the outside that he's speedrunning the whole thing, that picture doesn't hold up when you look closer. Buck did struggle with the shift from being An Ally to actually Being Queer himself. He did get a good impression of what Being Queer does to a person, he lived through the anxiety over how people will react to feeling bad for lying to offending/hurting other queer people without intending to do so. And then Buck got lucky because, let's be honest, the 118 firefam is nothing if not accepting and inclusive. So a huge part of these struggles were resolved quickly for him. And then he apologized to Tommy and Tommy gave him a second chance and that's where Buck stopped dealing with it. He's dating a man now, yes, he's got a boyfriend and everyone is happy for him and he's happy with it and Tommy is happy, what else is there to deal with? He has reached a conclusion and the solution is working for him just fine, there's absolutely no need to change anything about it. So he doesn't.

Many ADHD people (myself included) will push off dealing with uncomfortable tasks as long as they can get away with it. They will only start them if it is absolutely necessary, no way around it. And that's exactly what Buck is doing. He knows, at least on some level and due to his prior experience, that diving deeper into queer topics will result in more questions than answers. He knows it will bring to light uncomfortable truths (for example where he is on the Kinsey Scale and is that even compatible with Tommy?) And he knows these truths might result in, maybe not problems, but at least disruptions in his current (happy) situation. He doesn't want that. So he doesn't do it. It's actually pretty simple.

Now, just to be clear, I still think everything that happened in 8x06 was exceptionally bad writing and I don't want to excuse that. And I'm not going into Tommy's side of things here. But it annoys me how people will yell loudly about ADHD!Buck and how Buck should have made one of his research deep dives into queer things because that is what ADHD people do! Yes, we do that but that's not all there is to it, not by far.

[verascrow]

THIGH RIDING NIKOLAI THIGH RIDING NIKOLAI THIGH RIDING NIKOLAIIII😔😔😔 (please wxcuse me)

FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER ANSWERED THIS ASK BECAUSE GOOD GODS I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT IT. When I first saw this ask I genuinely lost it so no you will not be excused - you are being getting a VIP seat as I stand on the stage and lose my mind about this concept.

PAIRING f!reader x Nikolai RATING R - Restricted [ Content warnings: 18+ mdni, hard dom!Nikolai, thigh riding, some praise and degradation ]

It's his favorite thing, right next to being inside of you, because of course nothing can top that.

But just... having you, such a perfect little thing, straddling one of his big, thick thighs, dressed in absolutely fucking nothing while he's fully clothed, leaning back in his seat as he watches you desperately rut against his jeans like a puppy in heat?

It's no wonder the man enjoys it so much when you make such pretty, sweet sounds for him! And the way you're all disheveled, jaw slacked and sweating slightly, your poor cunt absolutely drooling slick all over his jeans with your tits bouncing as you grind back and forth, too!

And while he's made you into the perfect mess, he's leaning back wherever he's sitting - maybe in a chair at a desk, on the couch, in the pilot's seat of his helicopter... wherever it may be - soaking in the sight with lidded eyes and a lazy, cruel grin.

"Look at you... fucking yourself on my thigh like a whore."

He mumbles the words under his breath, his tone filled with that deep, heavy gravel. It's almost like he's cooing at you, but his words have too much of a mean bite to them to be considered a sweet coo that you've heard come from him before.

I can't decide whether or not he'd have his hands on or off of you, because both make sense.

Like- picture him leaning back on a couch, arms stretched out behind him along the back of it as he watches you, completely composed with his hair pulled back all neat, freshly groomed, just watching you get off on his thigh.

Or... imagine a similar situation, with him still on that couch, but instead of being leant back, he's leant forwards, hands gripping your hips either lazily or in a vice, feeling you guide yourself along the length of his thigh, giving out heavy exhales through his nostrils as his eyes fixate on where your pussy stains his jeans.

Oh! And speaking of! He's so teasing you for that!

"You are dirtying my pants, лапушка (sweetheart). You're going to clean your mess when you are done, да (yes)?"

And, newsflash, you better say yes or, at the very least, give him some sort of indication that you're agreeing with him - an affirmative hum, a nod, something. As much as those words can be taken as an offhand comment, he means his words.

Know and trust that, one you get off, (both in the sense of cumming and physically getting off of his lap) he expects you to clean up the mess you've made like the obedient thing you are.

With your tongue on your knees in front of him, preferably, he would say. But that's a point for another time.

Now, back to the subject at hand.

He's ruined you - this is a known fact.

And it's even more well know to the two of you that, since waltzing into your life, he's become the only thing that can make you cum. So all of those sloppy, desperate ruts you make against his thigh, as stimulating as they are, can't get you to finish.

You're just not able to grind yourself fast enough or hard enough against his jeans, not getting enough stimulation to push you over the edge. So, the only solution? Whimpering and whining and begging him with tears in your eyes for him to help.

And fuck, he's so mean. :( Humming absentmindedly, completely ignoring your pleas, tutting at you and clicking his tongue in disapproval when you grab at his hands with the intention of encouraging him to do the work.

This was what you wanted, no? To ride his thigh like the desperate dog you are? Isn't that right? But oh, look at your poor face. He'd be cruel to deny you for longer than you can take, now wouldn't he be?

So, with his hands grabbing at the fat of your thighs, he drags you along the length of his thigh, pulling you up near his crotch and pushing you all the way back towards his knee.

Fuck, I bet you he spits down on his jeans too, just to make the surface a fraction more comfortable for your pussy to grind against. :( It's so nasty and messy but it's so hot at the same time, so who gives a fuck!

And if you can't get off still with just grinding against him, he'll bring his fingers down to your clit and just fucking abuse it as you leak and, eventually, cum all over his jeans, the fabric all slick and a mess and just... ugh.

Thigh riding Nikolai, thank you and good night. That's all folks. <3

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

I must say: I’m genuinely impressed by how creative all your stories are. I have three questions related to your writing process, if you don’t mind.

1) How do you stay motivated to keep creating?

2) Where do you find inspiration?

3) have you ever had an idea for a scene that you struggled to execute? How did you work through that to write the scene?

I love your stories! I look forward to every chapter of Charlie McNamara.

1) Motivation to create has never been an issue for me -- there's always some new thing to write about! My issue, and the issue faced by a lot of other writers, is the motivation to stick with a project to completion. That's hard. Everyone's got a hundred "works in progress" they'll never touch again because they took a break and when they came back, their attention was on something new and shiny.

My solution to this? Money.

The reason I started Curse Words as a web serial and opened a patreon for it wasn't because I ever expected to be able to make a living as a writer. I'm as surprised as anyone that so many kind people have put their support behind me and let me keep writing these fucked up stories instead of getting a real job. I did it because I wasn't getting my projects finished. I was doing what we all do; getting three quarters of the way through any given project and then finding something more fun to work on instead. And when you risk disappointing readers by doing that, well, that'll get you back in the seat over the little bumps, maybe pull you back to a project a few times. But when people are paying you actual cash in return for consistent output, on time, to story completion? That's a way bigger motivator. Even if it's just one guy. For a long time, I had one patron! It was enough! It worked! It's not about making a lot of money, which is borderline impossible as a writer (again, I still can't believe my supporters are so generous enough that i can make this my career). But it acts as some level of both proof that your work is valued, and an active obligation on your part to keep producing it on a consistent schedule. My readers are giving me something valuable for this. I can't let them down.

Sorry, I'm sure you wanted a more uplifting kind of answer. But that's just what works for me.

2) I've never really been sure how to take this question. This is basically the age-old 'where do you get your ideas?' and it... doesn't have an answer. You think of a thing and you write about it. As you resolve the problems and inconsistencies in the thing, that fills out more and more of the world of the story.

Angel is born of a mediocre Goosebumps book called Chicken, Chicken. There's a part in the book where the protagonist, slowly shapeshifting into a chicken, rips all his feathers out every morning in an attempt to slow the transformation. The book isn't really about that but it stuck with me for a good two decades until, stuck in the house for two months at the beginning of Covid, I wrote Angel.

Void Princess and The princess in the Tower are both me musing on the old 'princess kidnapped by a dragon' trope. I get really fixated on this trope for some reason; I have four or five others swimming about in my head that aren't full stories ready for the page yet. Wasting Time is just the song Pushin' the Speed of Light, World Builder was written in a fever right after watching Jacob Geller's The Shape of Infinity, Copykate was initially going to be a SAYER fanfic but required enough alterations to the setting that it worked better as a story of its own. The inspiration is out there, the ideas are out there. It's just a matter of practice to turn them into stories.

3) I try to avoid scenes that are hard for me to depict, but this isn't always possible. I'm aphantasiac and struggle a lot with scenes that have a lot of heavy visual elements. Scenes where there's a lot going on that needs to be fairly precisely depicted are tricky, too.

One particularly difficult scene for me was a fight scene in Time to Orbit: Unknown. There's about six people in a small room fighting over the fate of a bunch of other people who are not present, and the reader needs to be kept up to date on the physical positions/activity/intentions of all the combatants, the villain explaining what he's doing and why (lying), the protagonist figuring out that he's lying, the physical condition (injuries, being restrained, et cetera) of all of the combatants, and the fate of the half of the crew not in the room, all with enough detail that the reader can understand the stakes, consequences, and enough of the moment-to-moment logic of the fight that nobody's decisions are confusing. The whole thing is very fast paced and... it's a lot. It's always a difficult balance in these scenes because you want to be detailed enough to keep the reader following everything they want to follow, but you don't want to dramatically slow down the story by describing every detail. If you're using a limited viewpoint, it's a blessing and a curse; you can avoid narrating the stuff your character can't see or isn't paying attention to, but you also have to find a way to get across information that your character might not be able to see, either by forcing them to see it or by having it conveyed in some other way in the scene. With busy scenes like this, I like to work backwards -- decide what specifically the reader needs to know, decide what is needed to get the characters to the places I want them at the end of the scene, and write a scene with as little as possible in it except for those two things. Sometimes, communicating those two things requires a bit of setup.

In Curse Words, there's an ancient magic spell passed down a family line from parent to child. It's a communication spell that allows people to see through each others' eyes and hear through their ears. Before the existence of long-distance wireless communications, this sort of information transfer was enormously powerful; wars can be turned with that power, trade networks created or conquered. It made its family enormously powerful, to the point where they're the most powerful magical family in the world even in the time of the story, with the spell long buried and its advantage lost to an age of mobile phones and cameras. It's massively influential to the worldbuilding of the story.

I introduced it for one reason and one reason alone -- I knew that eventually, I would be writing a climax to the story where a lot of people were doing a lot of things in a lot of different locations, and the protagonist was only going to be in one of those places. And I knew that I was going to need some way to tell the audience what the fuck was happening while he was running around in caves and shit.

[empyrealoasis]

hey so im going to explain my situation and the context , i also want to request you to please answer this ask as nobody is replying to me and i need it the most right now.

I've been into LOA and manifesting for 4 years, and a month ago, I decided to use the Void to manifest. My main desires are good grades, my grandfather’s health, and easier manifestation. I’ve tried meditating, using SATS, and entering trance states to access the Void, but despite using different methods, I haven’t succeeded. On November 20, my grandfather passed away, which has deeply affected me and my family. I also have my board exam viva on December 3 with zero preparation and a 30% attendance rate, putting my eligibility for the boards at risk. I urgently need to enter the Void to manifest solutions, as there’s no time left.

Please offer advice

Hi my dear, before I give you any advice I will reiterate that I do not respond to asks and dms, especially if you can find the answers in the community. The knowledge that you need is readily accessible at any point in time, all you have to do is read and apply. I'm not trying to be disrespectful towards you or anyone else, but if you looked at my introduction post I've stated my rules clearly. However, I have no problem in making some exceptions! >_<

Firstly, the usage of "tried", "entering" and "using different methods" says a lot about how you view the void state. The void state is not a magical place you try to enter. It is within you. Pure consciousness is a state and you are always changing states. Whether it is falling asleep or walking. Do you try to go to sleep? Do you try to breathe? So why are you trying to enter the void state/pure consciousness? There's a reason why anons, like yourself, including other bloggers and myself say that when they induce pure consciousness after months/years of "trying", they realize how easy and simple it was.

Secondly, you are overcomplicating the void state. By using various, elaborate methods and overconsuming, you are bound to spiral and search for an answer you already know. There isn't anything I can tell you that you don't already know. There isn't a cheat code or special method/ritual only bloggers know. You don't try methods to walk or run, so don't apply them to something you were born to do.

The most basic and effective way of inducing pure consciousness is going to bed 30 minutes to an hour earlier than usual. Relax your body by doing what works for you, whether it's through meditating, counting or hypnosis. Ignore your body and 3D by focusing on the darkness behind your eyelids and breathing. Affirm and allow yourself to slip into pure consciousness.

"My four principles: Relax, Ignore, Affirm, Allow"

In the same way, you ignore your surroundings when you want to sleep it's the same principle for inducing the void state. The only difference is you keep your mind active instead of entering the dream state.

Now, based on your circumstances your mental health is causing you to be desperate and emotionally dependent on seeing results in the 3D. In my humble opinion, I think you need to take time for yourself and work on your mental health for a while before you try to induce pure consciousness. It's unwise to idolize the void state as your only ticket to living your best life, as you can become more depressed- and develop more mental health problems in the long run. I also believe you should focus on your education and grief. If you're not up to that, induce pure consciousness when you feel most comfortable and happy. After all, I can't tell you what you can and cannot do. Only you can make that decision.

Lastly, I'm going to be transparent but I was once in your shoes as well. I was OBSESSED with the idea of the void state. I put it on a pedestal, became dependent and I became even more depressed. I spiralled out of control and fixated on the idea of entering. Long story short, I got absolutely nowhere. I only had success with entering (as you may see from my ask to @konniesreality) after I focused on getting a somewhat stable mindset and self-concept. I don't think I included it in that ask specifically, but that was pretty much my "secret" to MY success. It's NOT necessary, but I think it's worth it to put your mental health first in the long run.

I hope you find my response helpful and good luck on your journey! Remember to be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself. It's okay to take your time as it is infinite. :>

- Aquamarine 🐋🐚

[janearts]

Loved reading your thoughts for Roisia's companion quest! Do you have any thoughts on how Roisia would resolve the situation with her father while she is the protagonist? Would one of her companions (like Wyll or Karlach, perhaps) notice that her father is unhappy as he is and remark on it, which could help sway her in one or another direction? Or are you just letting all of the possible resolutions live as nebulously-canon at this point? (I'd be so curious to know how she'd feel about the Avatar of Kelemvor asking her to kill Astarion who she romanced, were she put in that situation.)

[The ask refers to these thoughts on Roisia as a companion.]

Thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've answered your questions below the read-more.

Do you have any thoughts on how Roisia would resolve the situation with her father while she is the protagonist?

Roisia would be oblivious to the fact that her father is deeply unhappy with the current state of affairs. Roisia is too fixated on the fact that he's here again and she gets to have more time with her father (her gain) than on the fact that his life in the here and now is fundamentally different from how it used to be (his loss).

Unfortunately, Roisia would not resolve the situation with her father because she's not aware there is a situation to be resolved.

Would one of her companions (like Wyll or Karlach, perhaps) notice that her father is unhappy as he is and remark on it, which could help sway her in one or another direction?

I thought that Wyll would gravitate to Roisia's mother since they're both monster hunters or Yasmin was at one point anyway. (Yasmin can show him the trophy room!) I see the same thing happening with Karlach. I thought that Shadowheart or Halsin would be more intuitive when it came to Jairus, but I also considered that Astarion might clue in as well as an "undead creature" himself. I don't know if any of them would remark on it to Roisia, however. If they did, my concern would be that Roisia would persist in the belief that the solution to her father's unhappiness is the true restoration of flesh and bone rather than asking him if he would prefer a merciful death at this point.

Or are you just letting all of the possible resolutions live as nebulously-canon at this point?

100%. As far as I'm concerned, all of the resolutions I outlined are possible, but none of the resolutions are canon. (Or they're nebulously-canon as you've said.) I scripted what I thought could happen if Larian were to say, "Hey, I need you to write a companion quest for Roisia that has a beginning, middle, and an end." But as an artist outside of that hypothetical scenario, I definitely like to live in the middle of the story.

(I'd be so curious to know how she'd feel about the Avatar of Kelemvor asking her to kill Astarion who she romanced, were she put in that situation.)

By my own fictional parameters, I played a game in which I encouraged Roisia to pursue Necromancy, which means that she is deeply, deeply familiar with the spark of humanity that lies within the undead. She has tried to wheedle information out of Withers, reunited Mayrina with her undead husband, freed Thrumbo and his zombie compatriots from their mummy lord, she's talked with ghouls and ghasts, and has freed Astarion from his vampire master.

So even if she hadn't romanced Astarion, she would still deny the Avatar of Kelemvor because the undead aren't just glorified field experiments to her, they're fully-fledged people in their own right, worthy of care and having a voice in their own destiny.

The fact that she romanced Astarion just adds angst to the picture because she would be asked to choose between two [undead] people whom she loves very dearly. She so very badly wants to restore her father to how he was when he was alive and a part of her still wants to be a Cleric of Kelemvor, but she wouldn't be able to bring herself to kill Astarion. (Which he knew. Of course. Naturally. Didn't have a single doubt or a flicker of fear in his mind at all.)