mutagenesys

[mutagenesys]

My partners friend went missing if you all could signal boost this!

[mutagenesys]

i do not see the harm in centering marginalized men from within a culture of feminism where the mainstream of said infraculture is to center anyone who is not male. there are enough people, more appropriate voices, to discuss the struggles of marginalized women. I am not a woman and part of healing from a childhood of tradwifery indoctrination is learning to center myself and let my beliefs apply to myself, and seeing my own pain as worthy of healing and of care.

So centering marginalized men comes naturally to me as a way of healing my relationship to myself. i have always loved men so, so, so much. nothing made me angrier as a childhood feminist than being accused of hating men when I would discuss sexism. because i don't and i can't. you can't make me hate a group just because you said to.

[mutagenesys]

I just skimmed a couple of posts in r/Transmedical and I need to go bleach my eyeballs now.

[mutagenesys]

Hey! I know what you mean. I've been going through a lot of changes lately and so I've gotten a new host (as of 6 months ago) and over the last several weeks I've had old alters that were never co-conscious or co-fronting together doing exactly that.

It feels so weird! I do feel like a new person each time. Like it's unfamiliar but I can kinda trace the lineage to the alters who made it.

Maybe a cringe comparison but it feels a lot like two (or more) crystal gems with distinct personas and MOs coming together and synthesizing a new being.

The question of naming is so interesting. I don't think there's a wrong way. Like if the alters were coloes, we could say that blending Red and Blue makes Purple, and consider Purple a new alter. Or we can say, "that's just Red and Blue blended." I think both could be accurate.

For me, it's an ongoing exploration. I think I only name/log/track alters who feel like they have their own agency. Sometimes blending just feels like multiple agents exerting influence simultaneously, which I would not consider a new alter. I think I would if they blended sufficiently to share or influence one another enough to create a coherent voice of agency. If they began to mutually identify with their co-created self.

That got long and I hope it makes sense.

QUESTION::

does anyone who get blended alters? specifically an alter who influences another alter?

if you do, do you ever consider that a separate alter? i personally don't think many people do, but i do! i dont log it as a new alter or consider it a new alter, but we feel like a totally different person from it

it's strange! i wanna know if other people experience it :O!!

[mutagenesys]

It happens all the time. I've lived with it my whole life. It's part of what disabled me from having the vocabulary to articulate what I was going through as a child and teen.

It also prevented me from feeling valid in claiming that experience (because it was so "othered") and also from feeling safe claiming that taboo experience — because the shame of abusive incest so often falls on the survivor rather than the perpetrator.

And then grown adults go around using neutered language to describe a violent sex crime against a child. TURD?! You couldn't even stomach "predator"‽

It's just one example but it's the most recent (yesterday). Like even people who love you and/or are well-meaning will balk at using accurate terminology.

And this reinforces the shame! It tells survivors "I'm too uncomfortable with your trauma to dignify it with accurate terms. Your experiences are so horrific and shameful that I'm not even willing to speak them to you, the person who lived through it."

I don't believe that most people who do this think about it at all. They just feel awkward and unsure what to say or how to help. They're culturally conditioned to sanitize their language about these topics, and they're possibly (irrationally) concerned about causing further harm by using accurate language.

If we, survivors, are willingly talking about our trauma, you're not gonna hurt us by using the same language we use.

Normalizing the use of the language normalizes and affirms survivors of the experience. Saying "child predator" doesn't make more predators appear, it just validates the individual who had the misfortune of dealing with one. So we can finally stop hiding.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

CPTSD culture is...

...living with an experience that you'll get filtered out (erased) for tagging because it doubles as a porn category and a sex crime.

[mutagenesys]

The frustrating thing is that this is true in a literal way for this webbed site, but it's also figuratively true in broader society.

Like my southern Christian grandmother calling my father a "turd" when the phrase she was looking for was "child molester."

CPTSD culture is...

...living with an experience that you'll get filtered out (erased) for tagging because it doubles as a porn category and a sex crime.

[mutagenesys]

CPTSD culture is...

...living with an experience that you'll get filtered out (erased) for tagging because it doubles as a porn category and a sex crime.

[mutagenesys]

⭐️

Gold star for you!

I did a good job today, so I'm sharing this gold star. You deserve it. (Yes, you!)

You cannot return this star, but you can share it.

[mutagenesys]

I'm going to be honest, as a transmasc poc, a lot of y'all need to stop trying to appease lukewarm leftists. Trans men and mascs are oppressed at an intersection of their man hood/perceived masculinity, but they are not the only type of men that are systematically oppressed. Moc are oppressed at an intersection of their manhood/masculinity. Intersex men, including cis ones, not just trans ones, are oppressed at an intersection with their manhood. Disabled and neurodivergent men are oppressed. These types are all oppressed for not being a cis, white, perisex, non-disabled man. Being lukewarm and insisting only trans men/mascs to say they face an intersection with their manhood will not get us anywhere because we are still appeasing the leftists who still cling to the radfem beliefs the left has been built off of. Half-assed "We're not like x group, we're better" appeasement campaigns aren't going to help any of us. This type of leftist* has not moved past the beliefs of the racist white women who would not let woc march with them. They do not care about your rights. They do not care about any type of man, because they have built the idea of manhood into a monolith to be fought. They have proven time and again that they do not want to listen to any “man’s” problem, because they see it as secondary, if they even see it as a problem at all. The only rights they care about are the ones that directly affect them and these are not the type of people worth appeasing. Stop trying to appease them by saying “misandry isn’t real” or “misandry isn’t systemic”, if you don’t like misandry as a term, if that is too loaded for you, that’s fine, don’t use the term, but stop saying that the only time manhood can become a tool of oppression is with regards to trans men/mascs. It’s not, and pushing down on other men doesn’t help you, these people still hate you for being a man, for being too masculine or scary and for being a gender traitor.

*Obviously, not every leftist is like this, but I have met wayyyyy too many leftists who cannot move past men = privileged oppressors women = innoncent victims

Well said, anon.

[mutagenesys]

Seeing posts that illustrate a broadly shared experience with transphobia but 99.9% of the commentary is just about transmisogyny like...okay. I'll just be over here.

[mutagenesys]

And the crux of this so much entitlement and normalized ableism. Like within the above examples we have:

assuming that it is more likely for someone to fake a disorder for attention than that they actually have that disorder

totally not understanding the concept of masking, and thinking that their external perception is more accurate than my self-knowledge and lived experience

^infantilization

overtly trying to discourage my use of a term that they don't understand because they can't imagine applying it to me

^erasure

part of the reason they can't imagine applying it to me is because of implicit ableist stereotypes (unpacked further down)

assuming that because something seems natural or easy that it actually is...which discredits the added mental, emotional, and physical labor I'm doing 24/7 to compensate for my disability

implying that people with my disabilities are less intellectually capable, totally dependent, and/or willfully harmful to others

^this can be the case but ignores the spectrum of symptoms (more erasure)

^^it also says a lot about how they would be afraid of or disgusted by someone who was more symptomatic or more obviously disabled

^^^which tells me that it isn't safe for me to stop masking because they will be scared or repulsed by me as soon as I do

^^^^so they thoughtlessly reinforce the ableist nuerotypical heirarchy

and gods forbid I point any of this out because then I'm just being irrational and overreacting about a compliment...because that's what it is when someone backhandedly declares that they know you better than you know yourself

All of that and there's still more implicit bias that I don't have the energy to explain.

I'm tired, y'all.

One of the most frustrating parts of being surrounded by nuerotypicals (or blissfully ignorant nuerodivergents) is saying anything about my cognitive symptoms and being met with immediate skepticism.

[mutagenesys]

Who told you that you're autistic?

You don't seem like you have OCD.

You seem really intelligent to me! You must be mistaken.

I always thought of you as an empath. But you're saying you sometimes don't feel anything? Does that mean you're gonna hurt me?

Does that mean you're gonna lie to me?

Does that mean you're gonna cheat on me?

If that's true, then how do you raise kids?

I know people with that and they're very disabled. You just don't know what you're talking about.

Well you couldn't have achieved that milestone if you really dealt with that.

You just want attention. If you had that, you wouldn't be able to do anything.

It's especially isolating as a (recently discovered) system because my few safe people can't relate and I'm afraid to talk about it much because people who've known me for 2 seconds still want to argue with me about my own autism.

One of the most frustrating parts of being surrounded by nuerotypicals (or blissfully ignorant nuerodivergents) is saying anything about my cognitive symptoms and being met with immediate skepticism.

[mutagenesys]

What do you call "mansplaining" but by nuerotypicals? Whatever it is, I'm tired of it.

One of the most frustrating parts of being surrounded by nuerotypicals (or blissfully ignorant nuerodivergents) is saying anything about my cognitive symptoms and being met with immediate skepticism.

[mutagenesys]

One of the most frustrating parts of being surrounded by nuerotypicals (or blissfully ignorant nuerodivergents) is saying anything about my cognitive symptoms and being met with immediate skepticism.

[mutagenesys]

This evening I was triggered by indirect communication from a family member.

I noticed the signs of being triggered, processed my emotions around said trigger, accepted the situation and my feelings, and redirected myself.

I did this in 10 minutes.

My emotional refractory period is improving and I'm so proud of myself.

If you're someone who finds yourself spiralling, holding stress for hours or days or months because someone was upset around/toward you, you can get better.

You don't have to live in anxiety forever. You can learn to help yourself feel safer. It works.

[mutagenesys]

How do you know if something is another systemmate vs an existing systemmate who is triggered? We have something going on where a systemmate who normally doesn't want to do something keeps having random intense urges to do it, so intense that they push others out of the front. When they're their "normal self" they say they don't want to do it, but when this thing happens, it's an absolutely debilitating urge. They also feel younger when it happens, but that could just be the effect of an emotional flashback, not a different systemmate. If it's someone else, we think it might be a fragment? But we don't know how to tell. Is there a way to tell? Thanks.

Hm..

Denying or refusing to act on the urge even during normal moments does not wipe away the truth that the urge was caused by another demand to fill in a certain lack or regain a sense of control. (this is still a vague conclusion. Please find the specific reason behind this urge since you do not describe any details regarding it)

The biggest hint lies at how the urge comes in strong and caused their cognitive, and or, emotional awareness/maturity to regress temporarily to compensate the overwhelm that is currently being felt. This is what you also call an amygdala hijack--especially if they also struggle to regulate and control their impulses or reaction (since the prefrontal cortex governs reasoning and self restraint, and the hijack reduce the influence to this brain region) .

If you want to discern wether it is a new sysmate or an existing one,, do two things most importantly:

Check in and ask if their memories had been consistent, with other mates vouching that nothing had been off or remembered differently.

Look back and assess deeply wether their manners or behavior had changed, both during times of triggers and during their normal state. If the changes only happen when they're overwhelmed or other reasons,, it can count as a period of burnout or along those lines.

If you caught discrepancies from doing number 1, suspect a subsystem,, or experiencing amnesia due to stress, or any other answers you have found after doing some observation and research.

If you caught discrepancies from doing number 2, it can also be a suspect for having a subsystem that comes out when triggered or experiencing a memory blackout.

Come back if you feel like it and let me know if you had found your answer, or need more help for this particular issue step by step, good luck!

- c

[mutagenesys]

Bio

Woot woot.

Whomst da fuq are you?

Essence: I am the voidspawn of dawnbeams and cicada screams. I am ultraviolet and mycorrhiza. I am the concept of time stretched around a wolf's skull and fired in the primordial kiln of identity. I am wildflowers dancing in a thunderstorm.

Body: I am a 26yo trans masc single parent and creative. I am:

multiracial (Black + white),

nuerodivergent (ASD, OCD, OSDD, etc.,),

disabled (chronic pain, endometriosis, seizures, etc.,)

and queer af (demiromantic, graysexual, polyamorous...labels are incomplete).

I also love all things nature, culture, folklore, and storytelling. I love TTRPGs and podcasts and cryptids and oracle cards. I love the beauty of death and transformation (vulture culture).

Enliven me with facts about anthropology, land stewardship, gardening, environmentalism, and decolonization. Teach me advanced mathematics. And also Spanish and ASL.

I could write much more here. I contain multitudes.

What do you mean by "hymngender?"

I am a sacred song that is free of dogma. I am a reverberation of the cosmic fractal.

"Exaltation...?"

A group of larks is called an exaltation. It is very satisfying that it is in aesthetic alignment with my gender. It is also punny because I'm a system.

What's the blog for?

System exploration and expression. As well as the reblog bricolage of things I enjoy or find important.

Headmates will probably be unlabeled. We are very blended and difficult to distinguish unless someone is shifting dramatically. But I might be in the mood to leave clues (for myself) sometimes.

Disclaimers:

If I sound awkward, cryptic, verbose, or incomprehensible, it is because I can be all of these things. I really love words and using words in fun ways, sometimes at the detriment of being understood (particularly when I am focused on expressing rather than communicating). I may accidentally skip giving my knowable thoughts external context unless prompted.

I don't entertain or tolerate bigots.

I am fallible. If I say something ignorant, please correct me respectfully. I have, repeatedly, publicly changed my mind about certain topics when I was able to integrate new insight into my perspective. I genuinely want to learn how to dismantle any conditioning that prevents me from being inclusive and supportive of fellow intersectional folx.

Currently, my biggest focus areas for (inclusivity-related) growth are intersexism, exorsexism, ableism, sanism, and (US) Indigenous-led decolonization.