#and i generally have just gotten worse at dealing with pain cause im i. less of it now which is both good and bad lol

[boomerang109]

i want to go home and get high i am in so much pain holy shit periods should be illegal

[cryingoverafictionalcharacter]

Request from @iwannagotospaceforever​: Could u do a Fred Weasley x reader maybe with prompt 12 and 13???

12: “I’m Fine!” “Y/n, there's blood coming out of your head!”

13: “You’re cute when you want to stab me”

A/N: I love this!!! I hope you guys enjoy, feel free to leave me any feedback or requests you might have <3

Prompt: You and Fred have been friends for a while, you’ll hang out together on school grounds, pull pranks with Fred, and just seem to get along well, unless its on the quidditch pitch, where your competitive natures can get a bit out of hand.

Warnings: Reader is not in the same house as Fred (Gryffindor), Swearing, mentions of blood, Frenemies type shit, Fluff, terrible quidditch writing

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You walked onto the quidditch pitch, resting your broom against your shoulder as you swung your other arm, excited for game day. You were determined to win this round, Gryffindor having won the last couple games, and you were not going to let your house fall into the same fate. You had been getting up early the past two weeks, trying out new flying techniques, working on your stamina, and practicing chaser moves with Fred. 

You and Fred have been friends since fourth year, having met in Snape's potions class when your concoction may have blown up in Snape’s face. After that you were constantly hanging out. Fred joined in of course, pulling pranks and just talking about random things in general, but for some reason, you and the older twin just had a connection. It might have had something to do with your competitive natures constantly keeping each other on your toes.

You spotted him on the other side of the field with George, each carrying their beaters gear and walking to the Gryffindor rest area. His eyes met yours and a smile spread across his face as he waved. 

“You’re going down” He mouthed, his hand that was once waving now having a thumb pointing downwards. You smiled back.

“Fuck off” You mouthed back, going to give him the bird before you suddenly remembered Dumbledore was watching, and he probably wouldn’t appreciate the gesture.

Fred made a fake sad face, making you laugh a bit before returning the gesture. Suddenly Lee Jordan's voice rang through the bleachers.

“Good afternoon everyone and welcome to the third game of the season, today we have Gryffindor against (Y/H). Lets have a good game, and may the best team win.

This signaled for you and the rest of your team to get on your brooms and fly up to the starting point, forming a circle with the other chasers on your team as well as the chasers on Gryffindor.

There was a bit of silence, before madam Hooch opened the trunk, releasing the bludgers and the golden snitch, before finally throwing the Quaffle into the air, officially starting the game.

After a few minutes you had finally gotten your hand on the quaffle, headed to the goal, and towards Fred and George. You saw George moving to block your left, and moved right, now having to face Fred. You had been practicing with him for the past few weeks, so you knew his weak spots, but he also knew yours. You faked going for the far right goal before quickly turning and going through the middle, scoring your team a point.

“That's ten points to (Y/H)!” Lee’s voice rang out, causing cheers and boos to ring through the crowd. You flew up beside Fred, having a moment before the next play started.

“You need to up your game Weasley” You said jokingly

“Please I saw you from a mile away” He joked back, suddenly making you think that he might have let you score.

“I swear to God Weasley, if you are going easy on me im going to kill you” You said, giving him a look, before starting to fly off, but not before Fred got in the last word.

“You look so cute when you want to stab me!” He said, causing you to look back at him and giving him a pose, causing the both of you to laugh, but secretly you had butterflies going insane in your stomach.

Did Fred Weasley just call you cute? You weren’t blind, you thought the twin were quite attractive, but every once in a while, you couldn’t help but think about Fred specifically, about how the sun caught his hair, or how his eyes crinkled when he smiled, or how he was able to laugh every day, but also made sure that you felt heard. 

You were quickly snapped out of your thoughts however when you made it back to the starting circle, putting your focus back into the game.

A few rounds later and you were 20-20 with Gryffindor. You had just gotten the ball again and was headed towards the goal, Fred facing you, a smirk on his face which only motivated you more. You were only a few seconds to scoring the goal, when Fred's face changed from irritating smugness, to worry. You didn’t have time to make out what he was saying before the right side of your head suddenly erupted with a sharp pain, and you were spiraling towards the ground.

The fact that you were still on your broom didn’t make the fall to bad, but before you knew what had happened, you were laying on your back looking at the sky.

“Looks like one of (Y/H) chasers got a good knock by one of the bludgers, that gotta hurt” Lee Jordan said

Madam Hooch was knelt beside you, asking you about the pain when Fred suddenly landed next you, running over and kneeling by your side.

“I know you said to not go easy on you but I swear it wasn’t me” He said, quickly, causing you to laugh a little.

“Fucking coward” You mumbled suddenly realizing that the game was still going on.

“Fred what are you doing go play I’m fine!” you said, finally sitting all the way up, your head spinning a bit.

“Y/n, there is blood coming out of your head!” Fred said, making you lift your hand to poke the side of your head, only to pull it back to see blood. Before you could say anything else to get Fred back to the game, Lee Jordan's voice rang through the crowd.

“Harry Potter has captured the Golden snitch! Gryffindor wins!” Lee said, causing the crowd to cheer.

“Well that sucks” You groaned. All the practice, only for the golden boy to catch the snitch AGAIN. You reached out your hand to Fred, motioning for him to help you up, which he took. However as soon as you were on your feet your head started to spin, but Fred saw you sway and caught you.

“I want you to go straight to the medical wing to make sure you don't have a concussion, Weasley can you take them?” Madam hooch said, making you roll your eyes.

“I don’t need to-” You started, not thinking your injury was such a big deal

“I would be happy to” Fred said before smiling at you, you glaring at him in return.

A few minutes later and you were sitting cross legged on on of the bed in the hospital wing, Fred making it his job to annoy you while  Madam Pomfry to checked on you.

“Be honest doc, how long do they have” Fred said, causing you to roll your eyes and swat his arm, which caused him to laugh.

“Y/N will be living for a long while, but you do have a very mild concussion, so I don’t want you to do anything labor intensive for the next week.

“What? But quidditch!” you practically yelled, horrified at the news.

“I don’t want to hear it, now at the end of the week, I want you to come back in so we can see how you’re healing, as for the rest of the day I want you to relax” Madam Pomfry said, giving you a sympathetic look before leaving to check up on someone who had a bad encounter with the wrong Polyjuice potion.

“It could be worse” Fred said, trying to lighten the mood, causing you to glare at him.

“How could it be worse?” You asked

“Well you could not have me to keep you company!” Fred said, causing you to groan.

“Death would have been a kinder fate” You said, before quickly laughing at Fred’s shocked expression. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding” You said, moving to get up, which Fred helped you do without fully realizing it.

“Are you sure you want to stick around? I can’t do any strenuous activities so I’m basically the most boring person in the world right now” You said, causing Fred to shake his head.

“Impossible, you could never be boring, but I have an idea if you’re up to it?” Fred asked, quirking a brow which made you suspicious, but you agreed non the less, nodding your head.

“Excellent, adventure awaits!” He said, before walking off while still having his arm around you.

A while later and you were sitting outside by the black lake, underneath a tree. You had been spending the last few minutes throwing rocks in the water, just watching the ripples.

“You think the squid is mad that we keep throwing rocks in his house?” You asked, causing Fred to laugh a bit.

“Why do you think I brought you along? If he suddenly wants to kill us I know you're going to be way slower than me.” Fred laughed, laughing even louder when you shoved his shoulder.

“Typical, you only bring me places to benefit your secret agenda” You joked, leaning your back against the tree.

“Nah, you're to pretty to sacrifice” He said, suddenly tensing up realizing he just said that.

You were feeling something similar, your face heating up as you shook your head, trying to dismiss the comment as something platonic. He just felt bad because you got hit.

“Fred, I am in dirty quidditch clothes, with crazy hair and a bruise on the side of my head, I wouldn’t describe myself as pretty right now” You said, thinking he would make a joke and that would be the end of it.

“Well I disagree” He said, the sincerity in his voice surprising you, you turned to look at him to see he was already looking at you, before looking down at his hands.

“You really scared me today” He started “When I saw you get hit, and saw you falling, I was so scared. I kept thinking of how it happened, how I could have stopped it, how you were probably out cold, but then I got down there, and you were the same you always were, calling me lame for not intentionally trying to kill my friend at quidditch” He finished, his joking tone returning a bit.

“I think the term I used was coward” You said, smiling a bit.

“Yeah, that I am, not because of quidditch though” Fred said, smiling a bit, but you weren’t, stuck trying to think about what he could be talking about.

“Fred, you pull pranks on professors for fun. You stole your parents car, for fun. I don’t need to say all the crazy things you’ve done to know you’re not a coward. Why do you think that?” You asked.

“Because I never told you about how I really felt” Fred said. Suddenly the butterflies in your stomach returned, causing your face to heat up.

“What?” You asked, not quite believing what you were hearing.

“I like you Y/n, I have for a while, but I haven't said anything because I was afraid you wouldn’t feel the same way, and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship” He said, still not looking in your eye and instead looking out on the lake.

“Well then I guess where both cowards” You said, causing Fred’s head to suddenly snap to look at you, which made you laugh a bit.

“What?” It was now Fred’s turn to look shocked. Instead of answering, you just shake your head and put a hand on his cheek, closing the space between you two and connecting your lips. Fred took no time to respond, moving his hand to gently cup the side of your face that wasn’t bruised. We stayed like that for a moment, before finally pulling away for air.

“Well, that was unexpected” Fred said, making you laugh.

“What that I like you back or that I’m such an amazing kisser even with a head injury” You said, making him laugh in return.

“Speaking of which, maybe we should stop, Pomfry said no strenuous activity and I wouldn’t want to-” Fred started but you knew he was joking.

“Just shut it and kiss me dumb ass” You said, smiling as he reconnected your lips again, this time the kiss going a bit further, his tongue sweeping your bottom lip. You opened your mouth, your hands moving to his hair and-

“Oi no snogging with a concussion!” George suddenly yelled from a bit a ways, Oliver and some of your team mates following.

“Mind your own business” Fred said, making you laugh.

“And here we are, trying to be good friends and make sure you haven't died or something” George said, shaking his head in feign disappointment. “This couldn’t have waited a week?”

“No!” You and Fred said in unison, causing the group to laugh before making their way back to the school, wanting to give you two some privacy, but not before George gave Fred a quick thumbs up, glad that he finally made his move.

“Well I’m glad you didn’t wait to tell me” You said once everyone was out of earshot.

“Me neither, except we still have to wait a week to-” Fred started, a suggestive smirk on his face.

“Fred Weasley I swear to God!” You yelled swatting his chest, causing him to fall into a fit of laughter which you quickly followed. Maybe getting hit by a bludger isn’t the worst thing that could happen.

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Ah, to be hit in the head by a giant ball and be comforted by Fred Weasley. The Dream. TBH I know this ending is trash! But still I hope you enjoyed it, let me know if you have any recommendations or feedback! Also @iwannagotospaceforever​ I hope you liked it!

[rory-for-short]

New Crossings New Horizons: Part 3

TELL ME WHY I DECIED TO MAKE PART THREE THE START OF A SLOW BURN PLOT WITH NOOK AND THE READER I HATE MYSELF BUT ALSO IM HAVING FUN. 

So the plan is to make a community out of this island over the span of one summer and a fall semester. Nook had explained that there were more generators arriving in the nest few days. It was up to you all to figure out how housing would work. The list went on and on from pod homes, tiny houses, campers, and prefab homes. Tiny homes won. With a stipulation. We would start with them, then upgrade to prefabs later on. It would be easier to run tiny homes with the starting generators until we could figure out an electricity grid, and work on a plumbing/ well system for now. Nook seemed happy with this decision, and in the meantime, you and Cherry went out to collect wood and supplies while Apollo and Bob offered to find food.

“Hey imma trap some bears maybe there will be a zoo eventually,” announced Timmy jokingly.

“You and what bear trap,” Tommy snickered.

“I have several yards of rope, that's all I need,” Timmy smirked, uncoiling some thick rope from a knot.

“You kids be careful and stay close to camp. Me and Y/N are going south to find some wood,” Cherry informed.

You had already gotten some rope and packs yourself so that you could tie up logs into a bunch for easier carrying.

“Me and Bob are setting up snares to the west. All for small game but still, watch your footing if you are going up our way,” Apollo warned before everyone parted ways. You and Cherry managed to not only find wood, but also collected a tote of wild strawberries. Soon evening was upon you. Cherry mentioned heading back now before it got too dark, so the two of you started heading back. You were walking in front of Cherry leading your way back to camp when you lost your footing and found yourself stepping in a snare. Apollo and Bob must have really covered their ground, because you two were nowhere near the west of camp. Yet here you were, dangling and suspended ten feet off the ground from a tree.

“Y?N! Are you alright?” Cherry exclaimed as she ran for you dropping strawberry filled tote and running towards your dangling form.

“Yeah, I think I’m good...Just hanging around,” you smirked half expecting a rim shot. “It looks like the guys had covered more area than we thought,” you reasoned. Your current position was impressive, and uncomfortable. There was currently a rope around your arms and torso that made moving your arms impossible. At least you weren’t hanging by the neck. You could deal with some rope across your chest and restraining your arms as long as you could breath. You counted that as a blessing.

“Do you see a place to cut me down?” you called to her. Cherry began to scurry around the base of the trunk and nearby trees.

“I don't see any rope down here. It’s like it's on you and the branch and just nothing. There should be some rope down here for easy release right?,” the small girl panicked as she darted to and fro, hurriedly searching for the end of the rope to cut you down. Yet nothing was found. Great. You sighed in frustration. As cool of a trap as it was, you could feel your arms being construed and knew you’d have bruising from the rough rope.

“Go get the guys at camp. They can get me down, they set the trap afterall. But be quick it's getting dark,” you warned. Cherry nodded and sped towards camp. Hopefully she could get to them fast and not leave you dangling all night. Not five minutes after she disappeared, you began hearing rustling in bushes. The hairs on your neck stood up.

“ah-Apollo? That you?” you asked meekly. No reply. To be fair it was a bit windy, and you reasoned that you being alone at night with visibility getting lower, you were starting to be on edge. However, that didn't keep your eyes from darting to every little sound. Ten minutes in and your arms really started to hurt. Not to mention it was getting dark-dark, not just late-evening-dark. Just then, you saw a flashlight coming from the direction of camp moving steadily towards you

“Y/N! Kid! Where are you?” called the voice of none other than Tom Nook. Well thank you for the backup, Cherry, but what luck would Nook have at figuring out an Apollo snare?

“Over here Mr. Nook!” you call meekly from the tree severely doubting Cherry’s judgment at the moment. His flashlight beam landed on you and you squinted at the sudden change of light.

“Oh thank god! I'll have you down in a minute kid, don't you worry,” he said voice dripping with concern. You weren’t really worried about being stuck up here all night, except for the fact you had no idea where the rope release was.

“Cherry couldn’t find the release. I doubt you'll have much luck in the dark Mr. Nook” you reasoned.

“Who do you think taught Timmy to set a trap? Don't worry, the end of the rope should be about shoulder height on one of these trees behind you.” he explained as he disappeared into the shadows behind you.

“Timmy?! I thought this had to be Apollo’s handy work,” you were slightly impressed and it was notable in your tone..

“Don’t tell Timmy that. I’ll go straight to his head. Okay Y/N, get ready and brace yourself,”

“Do wha-” and at that you were crashing down ten feet to the ground. You landed awkwardly on your heel at an angle and yelped a bit in both pain and surprise. Tom Nook was beside you in a blink.

A look of worry stained his features as he knelt near you. You were trying to shrug off the now significantly looser rope. Red marks and bruises were already forming on your upper arms and forearms.Pain surged through your foot. A look of horror washed over your face as you feared it might be sprained, rolled, or worse, broken.

“Sorry that landing sounded rough. Here, let me help you up. Your arms aren't looking too good either,” he noted as he scanned your bruised arms. He extended his hand to help you on your feet when pain shot through your leg, calf and foot. You winced and your step faltered. Tom noticed and held your arm a little tighter.

“You landed bad didn’t you? You think you can make it back to camp on that ankle?”

You hesitated a moment before answering.

“Uh, ye-yes I’ll be fine,” you said through gritted teeth as you tried to adjust your steps to be less painful. However, your attempted step caused another shrug of pain all the way from the heel of your foot up your calf. You suppressed a yelp. Your eyes, now watering from the injured muscles that betrayed you, met Nooks and you could tell he knew you weren’t actually all that fine.. You sheepishly looked down and away.

“You can’t walk back, can you?” he sighed. It was more of a statement than a question. A beat of silence fell between you and he finally resolved.

“Alright, I’m too old for bridal style so you’ll have to get on behind me,” he reasoned.

“What? No,- come on we can try walking-” but the ankle was already starting to swell and Nook gave you that Dadtm look that stopped you dead in the middle of your sentence.  A look he probably mastered by practicing it on Timmy and Tommy. The kind that said ‘I’m not arguing kid, do as I say’. You sighed as he crouched in front of you. You reached your arms around his shoulders and despite claiming to be an old man, he lifted you pretty effortlessly. Which should have taken more effort, you were a full grown woman after all. You, at this point, were red in the face and you knew it. It was a pretty embarrassing predicament, having the decider of your future employment carry you on his back through the woods like some kid that scraped their knee. How were you gonna hide the red face at camp? You didn’t know, but hoped everyone would be in bed already.

“Sorry Mr. Nook, I should have been more careful,” you muttered into his shoulder. You felt his chuckle resonate through his back and into your chest.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I was the one who dropped you too suddenly after all… and everyone calls me Nook or Tom. You don't have to call me ‘mister nook’ you know,” he answered softly.

You nodded into his shoulder and you both approached the camp. You saw everyone waiting on the two of you sitting around the fire with cooked fish and rabbit.

“Oh great. Looks like he managed to break her further,” Timmy laughed, elbowing Tommy. Nook shot Timmy a glare.

“I got her out of the “bear trap” YOU set. Really Timmy, if you are going to set snares, annonce them to the general populace so no one gets hurt,” Nook scolded with you still on his back, as he walked over to where everyone was sitting and eating. Red face was a go, but you could probably blame it on the injury and fire light. Nook helped you to sit on the log seating as Bob handed a plate your way. AT\t that moment you realize just how hungry you were.

“Catch of the day, besides you of course,” Bob snickered and you gave a light laugh.

“First I gotta splint up this ankle,” you explained.

“Ill get the first aid kit,” Cherry offered and scampered towards the main tent. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Nook a few inches from Timmys face, looking like he was hardcore chewing him ou in a hushed tonet. Now it was Timmy's turn to be embarrassed.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[ms-demeanor]

I appreciate your positivity posts a lot, but there are a couple things that make me instinctively angry when i see them One, it really frustrates me that i cannot be good at everything. I know it may sound kinda stupid, but i feel jealous when i see people learning skills i know I'll never master cause they arent a priority over other skills im already working on Two, when im angry/frustrated and i see positivity, it only makes me angrier None of this is your fault, just needed to vent a little

(This post requires a table of contents)

Frustration that you can’t be good at everything - A

Frustration with positivity - B

Do I contradict myself? Kinda but not really - C

Ah-ha, but I have fooled us all - D

A

That doesn’t sound stupid at all, it actually sounds exactly like the insta-rage that I get from being bad at something or from hearing “anybody can do X.”

I know that sounds contradictory, considering that I’ve been saying “anybody can learn artistic skills with practice,” but I’ll explain in a sec.

Okay so I’m learning guitar right? Like, with all the hand-pain and dyspraxia and all I’m still giving it a go and it’s taking forever and it’s really frustrating.

It’s more frustrating because I realized I had to do it alone - if I’m practicing around people or a person is sitting next to me while I’m trying to learn a skill or get the fretting of a particular chord down or (especially this one) trying to memorize a sequence of notes and movements it’s. It’s extremely not pretty. It’s apparently very upsetting for the people who are around me when that happens.

I get furious with myself and I get frustrated because goddamnit fucking children can do this thing and I’m an adult and it’s a simple fucking sequence of five movements and I’m just getting it wrong because I’m a useless idiot.

It takes about four minutes with a guitar teacher or jamming with a friend for me to devolve into “attempt sequence > fuck sequence up > apologize > try again but now while more mad at myself > fuck it up worse > apologize > forget beginning of sequence > try really hard not to start calling myself a fucking idiot in front of a friend who really shouldn’t have to handle this.”

And when I do that it feels terrible. It feels bad, feels like my skills have regressed, makes me want to put the instrument down and not pick it up again.

The thing is, I do this with every skill that I’m learning. You should see me when I’m trying to learn a new version of some kind of software. It’s terrible. I’m at my absolute worst and lowest when I’m trying to find the new place Adobe has hidden a menu or what the new command is to format something in Word.

But here’s the deal: I know what this is when I’m doing it. This is emotional dysregulation.

Basically finding out that I have ADHD changed my life and got me to really start examining a lot of my reactions to things and the behavior patterns I’ve lived with for most of my life.

I experience an impulse to be furious when people are more skilled than I am, I AM furious when I feel like my skills aren’t where I think they should be. But neither of those things are actually good for helping me learn to do the thing and I’d much rather learn to do the thing than be angry about not being good enough at it.

I spend a fair amount of time in therapy. I have worked on recognizing when I have the impulse to do something that is going to be unhelpful or reactive and attempting to approach that impulse with other options.

That’s not easy! And it doesn’t come naturally! My first response to a lot of things is still anger or frustration or despair.

But since I *know* that’s my first impulse and I’ve learned enough about my own behavior to understand that my first impulse is frequently the wrong course of action (grounded in panic or whatever) I’ve been working on accepting that my first reaction is typically negative and moving on more quickly to other, more helpful reactions.

(this has been really fantastic for increasing my feelings of agency and control over my own life; acting on your panic response all the time isn’t good for your long term stability)

You know you can’t be good at everything, you know that it takes a long time to acquire skills. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating that you don’t have the skills that you want to have. So it’s understandable that your first reaction to the skills positivity posts would be negative, and it’s understandable if you want to sit in that negativity for a little bit.

It’s also understandable to mourn the skills that you could have had. “If I hadn’t stopped practicing guitar in my teens I could be so much better now.” “If I hadn’t had to get a job with such a long commute I could be drawing daily and I’d be so much farther along.” “If I hadn’t been discouraged by my parents I’d have had so much more practice with music.” “If I hadn’t gotten injured I’d be such a good dancer right now.”

There’s a perfect you that lives in your head and they’ve had all the opportunities you missed and got to keep practicing when you couldn’t and have all the money you don’t and sleep you keep missing. I get wanting to be that person. I get wanting what they want.

But the you in your head isn’t real and it’s sad if you’re ignoring how wonderful the real you is because you’re not perfect in the same ways.

So if you can, I’d recommend trying to see if there’s a positive response you can practice remembering when you get frustrated about your skills.

(for me it’s honestly just saying “the next best time to plant a tree is today” and remembering that I’ve got a long time to learn to do all the things I want to do. It’s not a race, and if I can’t get to something now I can try later.)

You’re great. You’re great and you’re trying hard and if you wouldn’t yell at your friend for not learning a skill or being good at something you shouldn’t yell at yourself either.

B

So when I was like, 17, I wrote a bit of poetry that went like this:

I’m a casual cynicwho prays for optimistsbut it’s hard for me to be onewhen I’m talking with my fists.

I am a very, very negative, pessimistic person. Optimism and positivity irritate the hell out of me.

The frustrating thing about positivity is that it largely feels like criticism. It feels like “if you can’t do X, Y, or Z it’s because you choose not to.”

And I sure as fuck can’t blame people for being negative. I’m negative and the world is shitty and everything is difficult and expensive. I really, really don’t think that people are choosing not to do what they want to do.

So when you hear “you can do it!” it’s a very natural response to go “yeah, easy for you to say, you don’t have a million things preventing you from doing it.”

Part of this is that your brain is a filthy liar and it thinks that skills are easy to acquire. Your brain is going “if anyone can do it and I haven’t it’s because I’m lazy and I suck.”

I would like you to remind your brain that it is a filthy liar.

(I would also like to remind people that negativity that exists to the point that generic positivity posts upset you or make you angry is a symptom of depression)

But the other thing is that you probably DO have a million legitimate things that are keeping you from Doing The Thing and when you’re seeing someone else say “Do the thing!” you’re just seeing the shiny thing, not their million things that were in the way too.

Doing shit is HARD. It’s exhausting. It involves opportunity cost. If I want to make fanart I have do dedicate time to that that gets taken away from somewhere else and you know what sometimes it’s just better for me and more in line with my desires to re-read a 100k slow-burn than it is to make a drawing of the characters.

But it’s also really important to recognize which kinds of positivity actually contain criticism.

My initial statement in the Gru comic was “Talent is bullshit, nurture your skills with practice & make the content you want to see in the world.” This was in reaction to a simply-drawn comic that expressed that you need talent to make fanart and not everybody has talent.

A lot of people have seen that as criticism.

I am. Really, really not attempting to criticize people with these posts.

But also, yeah, being told “woah, hey, just calm down” when you’re already pissed isn’t going to make anyone’s afternoon any better. And there’s not much I can do about that (and I know you don’t want me to, you said you were just venting).

C

“You hate positivity and yet you make positivity posts, interesting.”

So the brand of positivity posts I hate are the “If I can do it anyone can!” posts and here’s why:

Not everyone can be on a Roller Derby team.

Breaking my back and having to quit roller derby made me reassess a lot of my attitudes about the world.

If you point to a specific activity and say “if I can do this anyone can do this” you are wrong. There are a lot of people who aren’t going to be able to do a thing. If you say “If I can lose the babyweight within three weeks of giving birth anyone can” there are a lot of people who can’t do that thing and there is a kind of implicit criticism there. “If I can get over my scoliosis and lift weights anyone can,” is kind of saying that the people with scoliosis who can’t lift weights just aren’t making an effort.

“If I can do this anyone can” is wrong. It ignores the fact that people are all in unique circumstances and have different limitations. No, not anyone can. Not everyone can be on a Roller Derby team.

But what I’m saying in my posts isn’t “anyone can draw” it is “if you practice a skill you will improve at it, so if you want to improve at drawing you need to practice.”

And I’ve been very clear in admitting that not everyone can do this, due to time constraints and low energy and physical limitations.

The one deviation I’ve made from that is to come pretty close to saying “anyone can do art” and again, I consider that a bit different because “art” is a very broad category and I do believe that pretty much anyone can create things that I would consider art, even if that art isn’t traditional visual media. And again, any of those kinds of art would also improve with practice.

D

The joke was on all of us all along, by the way. While I’m being pretty positive about the idea of practice and the fact that it will improve people’s performance at all skill levels there’s a secret:

That Gru post isn’t so much positive about practice as it is *incredibly* negative about the concept of talent.

Talent IS bullshit. There is a variable range of innate abilities that people can have that may jump-start a particular skill but proficiency in that skill is always going to be down to practice, not talent.

Talent was made up as a cover to explain the “brilliance” of people who had armies of laborers supporting them. I bet I’d be able to invent a lot of shit if I didn’t have to do laundry or worry about whether I was going to be able to afford both food and rent next month. Talent is a myth that pairs nicely with great man theory in that it is crap and I want people to understand that sucking at things for a long time is a part of not sucking at things eventually and also that you’re going to get a lot more done working with a group of motivated people than you are if you wait for one “talented genius” to change the world.

[randomoranges]

i blame my enablers; @quatschmachen who came up with this au and gave me permission to run with it and @allbeendonebefore for making art before i could even put this into actual words. somehow or other it was mostly as i had seen it go. 

anyways, here’s a new au i told myself i would only start after completing the current au im trying to finish - but we all know how that story works

the au where étienne meets kate before he meets edward [that needs a better monicker] part 1

The fact of the matter is that Étienne Maisonneuve had not checked the weather that morning, before he left, slightly in a hurry. Therefore, when the deluge of the year opens up above his head, the only thing he can do before his precious cargo is drenched and ruined is to duck inside the closest building he can find and hope the storm passes.

 Luckily, the closest building happens to be a cute little café that he runs towards at breakneck speed, even if he only ends up more drenched. He scans the area when he gets there and is dismayed that it seems packed, not an empty seat in sight. He supposes everyone else is lingering in, waiting out the storm, but then, a patron shifts ever so and there seems to be an empty spot by the bar.

 He makes his way in, tries to dodge purses, bags, and humans and finally let’s himself plop down on the empty seat. He removes his rain soaked windbreaker, drops off his bag and art tubes on the counter, and then passes a hand through his mop of now dishevelled curly hair. He’s thankful for the hair tie he keeps around his wrist and collects his wet hair into a half-bun – anything to get the wet strands out of his face and away from dripping down his front. There’s nothing to be done about his shoes and he hopes maybe the washroom has an electric hand-dryer, but right now, he just wants to sit and catch his breath. The run into the café had been less than stellar and quite wet; it’s a good thing he was done for the day and headed home.

 He’s about to consult the menu – get something, anything to let him stay here for a bit, when one of his art tubes rolls to the side and comes close enough to the patron on his right. He lunges for it before it can make impact and soak the poor woman as well, or at least, knock over her drink and cause another disaster, but in his haste he brushes up against her shoulder and it startles her enough that whatever she’d been writing becomes suddenly jittery.

 “Shit – sorry, I’m so sorry, ah damn, sorry,” He says as accumulated water on the rivulets of the tube rolls towards the woman’s notebook. He grabs a wad of napkins from the napkin holder and tries to stop this mess from getting worse.

 “It’s fine – it didn’t get wet, here, let me help you,” The woman says and together they manage the small flood on the table, art tubes are righted, notebooks are saved and they both laugh it off afterwards as Étienne sits himself back and doesn’t knock anything over.

 “I had a small hope you were an artist, but looks like what you’re working on is in a whole different language,” Étienne says as he looks to the woman’s notebook, now safely pushed away. There are – what looks like – math equations and formulas written out that look foreign to Étienne. He’d hoped for an easy excuse to keep talking to her, casually mention his own art tubes and his own work, but now he fears he’ll have to work harder for a connection.

 The woman looks back to her notebook and then lets out a low laugh. Étienne is surprised by the way it makes him feel, as though someone’s thrown a blanket over him and handed him a nice warm beverage – it’s so full and inviting that he can’t help but chuckle himself, “That? No, not art, sadly, a pain in the ass I’m trying to help a – friend with.” Étienne thinks she’s being generous, if she’s helping a friend with something so complex looking, but maybe she’s a student, maybe she solves complicated math for fun and maybe the problem isn’t as complex as it seems. He’d passed math by the skin of his teeth anyway, so who is he to judge?

 “And what about you? Are you some kind of architect?” She asks pointing to the art tubes in turn.

 “God no – I’m an artist – or trying to be one. Had to go pick up these sketches from the gallery where I had them up,” He’s bragging – a little bit, but he’s proud of this series of work and it had been his first actual real show. He’d even sold three pieces. Plus, this woman is really pretty, now that he’s gotten a good look at her. He likes the brightness of her eye shadow that makes the hazel of her eyes pop out. He likes the way some of her dark brown hair spills from her hair tie and frames her face just so. She looks – soft, in her cable knit magenta sweater that falls a little off her shoulders, her dark denim jeans and her high suede looking boots. Étienne looks, for a moment, and the woman’s cheek colour ever so.

 “Ooh, an artist, that sounds like fun, are you any good?” She teases, easy smile gracing her face as she takes a sip of her drink.

 “I don’t know, would you like to see and judge yourself?”

 “My, my, aren’t you the confident one?”

 He likes the banter – likes how easy it’s coming and so he uncaps the art tube and carefully takes out a few of the sketches inside. She puts her own notebook away, makes the terrible, horrible math disappear in her messenger bag and she leans a little closer to get a better look at his work. Étienne catches a whiff of something fruity and the vivid thought of furrowing his face in the crook of her neck flashes by.

 He likes what he sees; he has no shame about that.

 “Oh, I wasn’t expecting this!” She says and it sounds sincere and not like the snide remarks he’s often got. He knows his style isn’t everyone’s cup of tea – he knows he tends to go more abstract and that he’s heavy in his distorted figures, but it works for him. He’s getting noticed in his own right. Plus, these are sketches, his real potential in his painting and his murals – but he has a habit of working on giant surfaces and he hasn’t any of those on him at the moment.

 “You have a very unique style, but I really like the motion in your figures,” She says and Étienne thinks that this is a woman who knows her art. He thanks her for the compliment and then rolls up his work once she’s done looking through it.

 Étienne fears that this is the end of his pleasant exchange with her, but the conversation keeps going – about the weather, about the news, about this café and about a million other little things and Étienne is charmed by her. He eventually orders himself something to drink – to chase the chill from his bones and he gets a pastry as well, feeling famished all of a sudden.

 “I wouldn’t have pinned you for a frothy drink person,” She says, teasing tone still in place and Étienne wonders when he’d ever last met someone who wasn’t afraid to tease back – to give as good as they received. It seems as though this woman is not afraid to engage in conversation and to banter and Étienne finds it ever so refreshing.

 “Yes, well, life is short and I’ll have you know that I’m absolutely full of surprises,” He winks at her as he takes a sip and if he makes a show of licking the foam off his upper lip, it’s mostly for laughs and only partially to get a reaction out of her. Which he does and she laughs a great deal even if her cheeks are still a little rosy.

 “Are you equally full of mysteries or will I ever get your name?” She asks, once she recovers.

 “Maybe – but only if I get yours in return.”

 “That sounds fair, I’m E – Kate. I’m Kate.” She tells him.

 Étienne grins, pleased and reaches across the distance to shake her hand, “It really is a pleasure to meet you, Kate, I’m Étienne.” They shake hands as though they’ve just closed on an important deal and it makes them both laugh at the silliness of it all.

 They remain at the café for a while longer, past the end of the showers, and it’s only when Kate’s phone goes off that they part ways. She excuses herself as she gathers her things and Étienne wishes her a nice end of day as she heads out. He lingers a little more, before he decides to head home as well, and it’s only much later in the evening that he berates himself for not asking for her number.

 Still, he thinks, it had been a really nice afternoon and something tells him, that if he’s lucky, he’ll run into her again.  

CURRENT: I NEXT: II

[solasan]

15-25 for ced and alistair!

15. how adventurous are they?

oh, super adventurous. in any way u could possibly take that. out in the world, they’re both stupid and curious (truly some bimbo/himbo solidarity here) — cedany a little more so, because she’s obviously not seen much of the world, so she’ll often get distracted by something shiny or interesting in the wilderness and everyone (bar zev and leliana, who couldn’t lose her if they tried) has to take a few minutes to try and find her again.

in more, uh, intimate settings, cedany’s down for basically anything, and alistair wants to learn all he can. they’re both very careful abt making sure consent is a Big Thing between them, because of cedany’s unspoken issues there, but as long as they’re both interested in trying something new, they’re good. they’re a little less adventurous once they get back together, ‘cause they’re both in their mid-forties and have lived a lot more and have very little time left to be together, since they’re, y’know, on their calling, so they’re more concerned with just having each other, but they stay being horny so props to them i guess

16. do they keep secrets? lie? cheat?

alistair is less prone to secrets — he’s big on honesty — but given that most of cedany’s are very personal, trauma-based ones, ones she refuses to even acknowledge exist, he doesn’t often push for more from her on that front. neither of them are big liars, at least not with each other.

cheating is— a little more complicated. during his marriage, alistair kinda cheats on gwenore with cedany once or twice, but given that gwenore’s aware of these dalliances (after the first one, which was a shock) things get a little murky there. there’s also the issue of him Being Married that means he’s probably Technically cheating on cedany, but it’s, again, super complicated. she also takes other lovers over the years, but they’re technically broken up for most of those. by the end, though, there’s none of that. again, they’re desperate to just have each other again lmao

17. what would make them break up? would it be permanent?

in canon, they break up bcos of the whole ‘im a king and i cant marry a warden or a mage’ bullshit schtick, but that’s not permanent. they actually give their relationship a try more than once in the following years, but it just never works out — the timing is bad, or things are too difficult for them, or he has a family and can’t bear to disappoint his son. they do eventually reunite for their calling and remember why they loved each other and just say fuck it, let’s be in love before we die

outside of canon— they might near a breakup when kids became a topic of conversation, but idk. homeboy has that dialogue abt wanting any future at all with the warden, so ???

18. what are their dates like? how long do/did they date? do they ever feel the need to take a break from each other?

they don’t rly have ‘dates’. unless like… sharing a bowl of stew on a log by the fire together during a night watch and then sneaking off to shag in their tent counts? which is a shame bcos i rly do think alistair would pull out all the fucking stops for that shit — dinner, roses, the whole shebang.

they date technically for only like ??? six or seven months ?? but there’s a lot of tension leading up to that, and then they have a whole angsty entanglement for literally 25 years after that so…… it dont make cents luv x

during those 25 years they need to take breaks from each other all the time, bcos it’s painful to be around each other. but when they’re together during the blight ? could not pry them away from each other if u tried. they’re like halves of a whole, as cheesy and disgostang as that is

19. what do they fight about? what are their arguments like? how do they make up?

arguments between these two are loud and often involve cedany turning into a swarm of flies to chase him when her throat gets sore from yelling. they’ve fought abt a lot of shit over the years, too — in the beginning, she was pretty certain he was an actual, certified, mage-killing templar, so she picked on him relentlessly over the pettiest, tiniest things. then things were cool between them when they were dating, and then the messy breakup happened, and then cedany burned amaranthine to the ground and alistair was fucking pissed at her, and then he got married, and—

yeah. they’ve fought over a lot of stuff. they made up grudgingly in the early days, usually pushed to do it by leliana or wynne, but later on they don’t even rly apologise ??? they just kinda act like nothing happened, which is somehow almost worse, but neither of them rly knows how to cut through all the bullshit and hurt surrounding their relationship to be honest with each other

20. what does their home look like? their room?

:((( it’s just their tent during the blight. after that, they never share space again

21. do they share any interests or hobbies?

they share an interest in running at things with war-cries ??? shdkfhsk no they share other interests too; they’re both funny and like prodding at their companions for entertainment, and they could also both play with max (ced’s mabari) for fucking hours. alistair always lets cedany loop her flower crowns around his head or neck too, like a proper supportive boyfriend

22. does their work ever interfere with the relationship?

does his being king count as work ???? probably. so yes

23. how do they hug? kiss? tease? flirt? comfort?

hoo boy let’s go

hug: long, big bear hugs. like, spine-crushing ones. they’re both super duper touch-starved, so they sorta cling to each other. she’ll tuck her head into his neck or under his chin, and he’ll bury his face in her hair or shoulder or rly anywhere he can reach. they cuddle all the time when they’re Together together, genuinely

kiss: tentatively, at first, bcos alistair has no idea what he’s doing. after he’s gotten the hang of it, though, it’s usually passionate af — biting, tongues, everything. alistair is usually the one to soften the kisses, because he’s a big ole’ romantic, in which case they’re that gross couple just pulling back and leaning in to kiss each other again and again. by the end, though, they only have a couple of soft kisses — they’re mostly desperate, by that point, and they’re crying during a couple of ‘em, because who’s to know but them, right ??

tease: alistair teases clumsily. he once did a strip-tease for cedany and then got stuck inside his own shirt. cedany was laughing so hard she couldn’t help him for a good five minutes. cedany’s much more proficient at teasing him. he hates her for it — he’s always bright red by the time she’s done

comfort: quietly, surprisingly. neither of them are good at dealing with real, deep, emotions. they’re both very tactile people, so generally comfort will just involve sitting right beside the other, pressed close, so it’s not technically a hug — bcos cedany especially will never accept comfort outright, for fear of looking weak — but they know the other is there. if one is crying, though, the other will hold them; stroke their hair, their back, that kinda thing

24. any doubts about the relationship?

yea for obvious reasons shdkfhsjkd this is getting so long im just gonna rapid-fire move on u kno theyre messed up

25. how much time do they spend together? do they share their feelings, or hold things in?

in the blight, loads. after, very little. they’ll go years without seeing each other, honestly. alistair tries to share his feelings a couple times over the years but ced shuts that shit down bcos she just CANT. queen of holding things in. ok this is done im sorry emily ily

[chaosbcrne]

TAGGED BY: @blue-pincushion​ thank youuu TAGGING: @brokenweapon​, @hcrwish​, @bouncepads​, @heartfelt-silver​, @last-fxstbump​

—    BASICS.

▸     IS    YOUR    MUSE    TALL    /    SHORT    /    AVERAGE ? ...he’s on the shorter side, though I guess not that far off average for mobians/hedgehogs. definitely short compared to humans though, and tiny for a Black Arms. he appears a bit taller than he actually is, though, because his shoes give him two inches. he’s 3′4″ with them on, 3′2″ without

▸      ARE    THEY    OKAY    WITH    THEIR    HEIGHT ?

yea. i mean i feel like he’s been enduring a bit more teasing than usual lately because of it, but it’s not something that bugs him past that. he spent several years on the ARK where everything was built for humans so he got very used to dealing with his smaller size, climbing on counters and shelves to reach stuff, looking up at people, things like that. his size definitely doesn’t feel like a problem in human environments, let alone mobians’

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR FUR    LIKE ?

very versatile, much like his incessant quilling his fur is constantly adapting to change, mostly in temperature, growing longer when it’s cold, thicker when it’s rainy, shedding when it’s warm and so on. it always has a decent enough layer though, you can never see skin beneath his black fur unless it’s been ripped/burnt/cut off, so I guess in that sense its default state is considerably more furnished than that of the average hedgehog

his thicker white fur follows the same kind of behavior, it grows wider in winter to cover most of his upper body and throat and essentially serves as a natural scarf so he can breathe okay even when he’s dashing against sub-zero winds, and it sheds back down to a small patch that barely covers his chest in summer to reduce risks of overheating

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING ?

not... really ? I’d say he settles for a quick but thorough daily shower, he’s not one for grooming much past that because he already sheds like crazy and that would speed up the process even more ? if anything, he might pat down his white fur a bit because it really fluffs up when it air-dries

▸      DOES   YOUR   MUSE   CARE   ABOUT   THEIR   APPEARANCE   /   WHAT    OTHERS    THINK ?

he didn’t for a long time, but I think learning his color scheme was due to Black Arms genes may have changed that a little; he doesn’t like the idea of being seen as one of them, that’s why he avoids taking his gloves off around others or show off his teeth much or doesn’t like eating in public, i could go on for a while but basically he didn’t mind his black and red colors and his threatening complex until he learned he got that from man-eating aliens,

over the years i think he’s come to terms with it for the most part because black is real useful on stealth missions and for getting that extra warmth on sunny days and claws can come in real handy sometimes when you’re missing certain tools, but, yeah i think there’s probably still a bit of lingering self-consciousness there

—    PREFERENCES.

▸     INDOORS    OR    OUTDOORS ?

hmm I think he has a slight preference for outdoors just because it’s less confined and ever-changing, but he wouldn’t spit on indoors either you know sometimes you just need some place to take a break and where there’s a limited possibility of things that could happen

▸     RAIN    OR    SUNSHINE ? both. both are addictive when you spent your early life where you could experience neither of those, in fact i’d say those exact two things are responsible for shadow growing/shedding fur out of season because he’s the kind to just stand in the rain when it’s cold or in the sun when it’s hot just because the feeling of rain through his quills or sunshine in his fur will always be like a bit of a novelty to him ▸     FOREST    OR    BEACH ?   hhh f...f.....beach probably. both are fine but i feel like the beach is one of those cliche things maria especially wanted to experience and talked about all the time so he just have a slightly better preconceived idea of it ▸     PRECIOUS    METALS    OR    GEMS ?   im just gonna link you to the lucky charm post that should give you a clear idea ▸     FLOWERS    OR    PERFUMES ? flowers hands down. they’re colorful and pretty and smell good and are natural. maria would have loved them and also earlier this year rouge decorated the whole observatory in the ARK with them to surprise shadow and it was Good ok ▸     PERSONALITY    OR    APPEARANCE ?   personality. yeah people can be nice to look at but if that’s all they got going for them they’re not worth much ▸     BEING    ALONE    OR    BEING    IN    A    CROWD ?   alone. i don’t think i have much explaining to do here lmao he’s just not a people person. small groups can be okay and so are a good few people, like, he can deal with a crowd or otherwise large number of people in one place but he’s definitely not gonna enjoy it as much as just being alone ▸     ORDER    OR    ANARCHY ?   I think Gerald’s (and therefore his) idea of an ideal world was a place where they’re one and the same ? a world where people are free to do what makes them happy, to not be limited in any way shape or form but where such a freedom would lead to people being selfless and generous enough to not throw it all into chaos ? but given that’s not really something remotely feasible at this point order is probably the best options in his books given what he’s seen some people do once some of their restraints were removed ▸     PAINFUL    TRUTHS    OR    WHITE    LIES ? 

painful truths. unless it concerns him revealing stuff about himself that he just doesn’t want people to know about, he’s always gonna be blunt with people and he expects the same courtesy in return. shadow’s sick of all the lies and insincerity a lot of people go to for no good reason and he’d rather you just tell him the truth head-on

▸     SCIENCE    OR    MAGIC ?   chaos energy is where it’s at. i don’t know what it counts as, i’m assuming it’s something between the two ? gerald, tails, eggman and probably a whole lot of other people managed to harness it to create life or power machinery and such, so it can be useful in terms of science, but it’s also something so unstable and unquantifiable and tricky to control or even understand, and being able to do so is considered a power instead of knowledge - which makes it sound more like magic. either way, that’s what shadow believes in and relies on - not that i expect that to be a surprise to anyone, considering ▸     PEACE    OR    CONFLICT ?   he strives for peace but i don’t think he’d know what to do with himself if that was ever achieved tbh ▸     NIGHT    OR    DAY ?  

either. shadow’s not operating on a regular day/night cycle so the two are basically interchangeable to him, for better or worse. i wrote more about this over here

▸     DUSK    OR    DAWN ?

again, the two aren’t really different to him

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD  ?

hmm warmth probably. he’s definitely built to tolerate cold more than warmth but the general concept of warmth is just associated with more pleasant feelings in general

▸     MANY   ACQUAINTANCES    OR    A    FEW    CLOSE    FRIENDS ?

im gonna say like the bbff, points at team dark

▸     READING    OR    PLAYING    A    GAME ?  

it really depends on the mood he’s in honestly. i’ve explained before(x) that shadow is actually quite fond of reading, but if he’s too restless for one reason or another some kind of game will be better for his nerves. or just, you know, if team dark is stuck on standby at HQ and they’re waiting around to be called in

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS ? - letting people provoke him very easily - always talking down on people at first - pushing people away 24/7 - not having an established eating or sleeping schedule he can keep track of - crossing his arms all the damn time

▸      HAS    YOUR    MUSE    LOST    ANYONE    CLOSE    TO    THEM ?      HOW    HAS    IT    AFFECTED    THEM ? 

hahahaha

oh boy

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    FOND    MEMORIES    YOUR    MUSE    HAS ?  

- the countless hours spent in the observatory with maria - early team dark times when he had good enough days to just focus on his goal and not worry about everything else, probably mostly around grand metropolis/casino park hours, when they were starting to be a proper team but things hadn’t gotten too serious/difficult yet - when a certain hedgehog came back to life and immediately turned to him and silver for additional help. i’ll go into this more some other time but let’s just say that meant a great deal to him - that crush 40 concert rouge took him and omega to - quite a few simple moments spent with his team that wouldn’t have looked like much to many others but that he remembers clearly feeling fulfilled and happy right then and there - a certain night when things felt Bad and a certain hedgehog showed up and made them feel good again - spraining zero’s wrist

▸     IS    IT    EASY    FOR    YOUR    MUSE    TO    KILL ?

if we’re talking physically, yes. if we’re talking emotionally,

not as much as he makes it look like honestly. death is something very permanent that has been the cause of possibly the biggest trauma he’s experienced in his life - he does not take that lightly and does not inflict it when he sees an alternative. episode shadow in forces can go suck a lemon

▸      WHAT’S    IT    LIKE    WHEN    YOUR    MUSE    BREAKS    DOWN ?

that’s happened once and that’s a drabble in the works so yall are just gonna have to be patient for this one

▸      IS    YOUR    MUSE    CAPABLE    OF    TRUSTING    SOMEONE    WITH    THEIR    LIFE ? 

hhh it’s. difficult. but it’s definitely something team dark has earned at this point. literally all three of them have explicitly proven that they would give up their lives for either of the others so it’s safe to say there’s absolute trust between them now

▸      WHAT’S    YOUR    MUSE    LIKE    WHEN    THEY’RE    IN    LOVE ?

oh boy it’s bad lmao

shadow is very unfamiliar with the concept of romantic love as a whole so he has no idea how he’s supposed to behave with the subject of his affection. remember that picture where he’s holding sonic’s hand and staring at it and presumably has been doing so for like ten minutes ? yeah

social norms aside what would come naturally to him is a very, very intense protectiveness - that’s his primary response when it comes to anyone he’s attached to and romantic ties would be no different. he would be very defensive of them verbally but also protective-bordering-on-possessive physically

he also pays very close attention, i’ve already said it countless times but he’s an amazing listener and whoever he’s smitten with would likely be someone he could watch and listen to intently for very long periods of time. he’ll never be the most talkative but don’t let that fool you into thinking he won’t enjoy engaging conversations with the person he’s interested in

aside from that i tend to think that shadow would be a very unintentional sap because, again, he’s not familiar with whatever’s considered normal in a relationship. so he’ll be the kind to let the other know he’s thinking of them in various ways or just show up and surprise them with something they might want, all completely shamelessly and like it’s no big deal because if it pleases them why should he hold back ? (of course that’s all in a hypothetical situation where it’s solely between him and his significant other-- if there’s other people involved he’s gonna be a lot more subtle/shy about it if he dares doing anything out of the ordinary at all)

his affection is hard to earn but once you have it he’ll be loyal to you for life honestly

[critgemhero]

Unpopular Voltron opinion, with meta to back it up.

I don’t think the big Keith and Lance scene in episode 6 was meant to be seen as having gone well, or for things to be getting back on track in regards to Lance’s doubts. I’m actually pretty sure the conversation unintentionally made things with Lance even worse.

Just because Keith and Lance shared a scene alone together, without any fighting or outward disagreements, does NOT mean it went well. I know everyone who is a Klance shipper wants that to be the case, but the whole “5 feet apart” jokes and logic with their ship shouldn't suddenly change the emotional tone that is ACTUALLY present here.

Do not get me wrong, it is clear that both of them wanted this talk to go well without any confrontation, and to talk with a level head and with honesty. They have both grown as people to realize this. It doesn't mean there wasn't a major miscommunication here. 

Lets go through this moment by moment, shall we?

When Lance first comes in, Keith is surprised but actually kind of happy someone is confiding with him on something. You can see by how he is smiling with amusement by saying this line. 

And it’s Lance of all people, someone who often keeps him in check from his own mistakes. It makes Keith feel useful, and less like a loner. Keith is making a joke about how out of character it is for Lance to come to him for any kind of advice.

But then Lance say’s it is because he is the leader. Then Keith pauses, looks down, and says “I guess”. From this moment on, Keith is thinking strategically and with no emotions swaying anything. Just leader talk. It probably hurt him a little bit too, because he thinks Lance would be telling this to Shiro and not him if not for the circumstances.

Then Lance explains the math and how things would go down regarding the Lion shift. His body language is really important here. His words and inflection are coming across one way, but you can really tell he just needs to hear if he is wanted, or even crucial to the team as a person.

When he brings up Allura, it makes sense that Keith agrees with him. He isn't going to suddenly deny Allura’s incredible power and potential, but he says “that’s true” like he has no idea what’s coming next. Because he doesn't, he is just hearing the facts, and not seeing anything of what Lance is subtly asking him. To be clear, Im not even sure LANCE knows he is doing that, and I don’t think he is purposefully trying to “get” anything out of Keith. He just wants guidance and honestly on how he performs.

When Lance drops the bombshell, Kieth’s reaction is pretty much what I expected but surprisingly subdued. He is just like “... what??? What does he mean? That doesn't make sense.” Keith can’t imagine Voltron without Lance, and is in shock LANCE of all people would bring this up. Remember the facade Lance puts on of how important he is, and how stupid everyone is for buying into it. Keith knows Lance wanted to pilot the Black lion and feels the conviction to be a paladin, so for Keith, this whole thing does not compute. He is seeing someone backing down, or as Lance put it, “stepping aside” and that just won’t do for the team.

When Lance explains, this is the biggest tell of what is really going on with him. He is basically telling Keith that he is not their best soldier, that he is not as worthy as the others. 

Somehow, this flies right over Keith’s head. How Keith responded to this is why I think this convo went so sour. He doesn’t respond as a friend, but a calculated general who is reflecting back on what had just taken place within team Voltron, and within himself. 

Keith JUST had this big lion shift. It caused everyone to struggle immensely, and I imagine its still taking time to get used to it. It was hard enough for Keith to take on the Black Lion, but now Lance is bringing him THIS garbage? Keith knows this line of thinking is going to lead to major problems again, because he himself had just experienced those problems. He needs his team to keep a level head and focus on the mission, and Keith is not wrong about that fact. So this is what he thinks the best response is.

That... was a very bad response. I know it was clearly not intentional, and Keith does have a worried face in the second part, so it’s not like he doesn't want Lance to feel better. However, he is clearly missing the real problem here. 

Keith thinks Lance is stressing because he is overthinking things too much about the Lions, but he has no idea it’s because of how Lance really feels about himself. Keith is trying to take AWAY responsibility from Lance, in order to put the pressure on himself, and even Shiro, to handle it instead. That’s the opposite of what Lance wants. Lance wants to feel like his thoughts matter, that his actions have changes to the team, but Keith completely dismisses that by saying things will just “work out”. The moment Keith says “who flies what” Lance looks even more dejected and hurt. He thought him switching to Red was a huge deal, but Keith makes it sound like nothing.

Lance is equating his own importance to the team through his Lion. Keith is equating his importance to the team as paladins, and taking away the importance of the lions. Therefore, Keith is taking away Lance’s sense of importance.

Instead of fighting with Keith, or trying to explain himself further, Lance just... leaves. He says ok and thanks, but nothing was really resolved at all. He didn’t want to create friction with Keith, and from what Lance can tell Keith really didn't see a problem or a REAL issue, so he takes his leave with a frown.

Then we get the big line that is supposed to turn things around and somehow make the scene happy and hunky dory.

In regards to why Keith said this, I really think he was trying to cheer Lance up and take stress off his shoulders. I also think he was trying to be a friend and be funny, and poke fun with him. Again, the team have been doing this to Lance constantly thinking its fine because he is a goofball, so Keith was trying to bond with Lance through that harmless little jab. If anything, Keith is also trying to tell Lance to focus on his own strength, not the strength of others.

I think Lance gets that Keith wants things to lighten up between them. He gets that Keith wants him to feel better, and that’s why he smiles back, because he wants Keith to think everything is fine now. Do I think this small exchange lightened things up for them? Yeah I actually do! That doesn't change the fact that lightening things up is exactly NOT what Lance needed at that moment! Making these kind of jokes is partly why he feels this way about himself in the first place, so I think Lance is just covering up the pain with the smile. Its a genuine smile, sure, but he is still just as sad as he was when he got there. Why is that?

Well, did we really hear what Keith just said? He basically told Lance that he isn’t good enough at something. That he isn't the brains guy. He told Lance to have someone ELSE take care of something for him. Lance is going through a role/identity crisis, and his team is still stripping that away from him due to the lack of proper communication.

Lastly, I think Lance knew he didn't feel okay or feel things was resolved, because he hesitated outside the door. Lance clearly stopped to maybe turn around and say something else, but he heard the door close and changed his mind out of self preservation, and also his love for the team to not become more tangled under his own problems. 

My Conclusion is that I think this scene only made Lance struggle more, even when that was the last thing both of them wanted. Lance, even when clearly saying he doesn't think he fits the team, is still somehow putting up self barriers that Keith and the others are too blinded to see through. That was the closest they ever gotten to a breakthrough, but it was still a failure.

[spotsies]

crutchie and polio

hi everyone! time for an educational post on crutchie and his leg (and the rest of his body!) and the effect polio had on him. i see so many people writing him w scars or like, i twisted up mangled leg. similarly, i see people acting like hes 100% fine other than his leg. this isnt necessarily true! 

to make all ur lives easier, im gonna give a bit of a rundown on polio as far as ive learnt from the documentaries ive watched and the research ive done, and also how it likely affects crutchie. long read ahead!

so, what is polio? basically, its a virus that attacks and destroys nerve cells, like in the spinal cord. there is no cure, but there is treatment and rehabilitation. these days, there is an extremely effective vaccine (in fact, the polio vaccine kind of started the vaccine movement). at the time of newsies, there was no such thing. nobody knew what caused polio, or how it was transmitted. it was known as a summer virus, since that’s when outbreaks tended to happen, and it mostly affected people with weakened immune systems like children, the elderly, and people who were already sick. crutchie, as a poor, starving child whose health was likely poor, would have been a prime target and it makes sense it hit him more severely.

polio begins with flulike symptoms- sore throat, fever, headache, tiredness, muscle pain, stomach pain, runny nose, etc. for some people that is as far as it goes, and then after a few days the symptoms go away. less commonly, the virus moves to the brain and spinal cord with more serious symptoms like:

- paresthesia (feeling of pins and needles in the legs) - meningitis (infection of the covering of the spinal cord and/or brain) occurs in about 1 out of 25 people with poliovirus infection - paralysis (can’t move parts of the body) or weakness in the arms, legs, or both, occurs in about 1 out of 200 people with poliovirus infection

crutchie would have gotten these, one right after the other. if the illness was bad enough, it might have affected his lungs but either that never happened (more likely) or he recieved treatment in hospital (like the iron lung, an early respirator). depending on the plot of your story, you can use either. his paralysis could have been worse, affecting his other leg as well (and he rehabilitated it) but its unlikely. 

at the time of newsies, crutchie would still be experiencing paralysis. his affected leg would likely have severe atrophy of the muscles, and he would have no control or proper sensation of touch or heat (i cant find anything on if his leg would actually ache in the cold or act up when rains approaching, since that is, as far as i know, more of a muscle thing but... its also canon?). however, since the nerves were damaged, he would likely experience random nerve pain like stabbing, pins and needles, prickling and stuff like that especially when being jostled or if he fell. this could be constant low level or occasional flare ups, depending on what you want to write. as well as the leg, he would have muscle weakness especially around the lower half of his body, and have much lower energy levels. not to say he couldnt do intense thing, but he gets tired out much, much quicker. this is because his central nervous system is affected. he would also likely get flare ups of nerve pain elsewhere. he would be short of breath very very easily, since polio affects the lungs. he would also get sick a lot easier.

in the refuge, on top of all his general injuries from being beaten, his leg would probably be in a lot of nerve pain, and hed be very sore from the point he had sensation. he would also be Dead Exhausted. its more than practical that he couldnt get to the window. 

post newsies, its possible for him to get more and more use and strength out of his leg if he works on rehabilitating it. given his situation, though, its unlikely hed ever be able to recover more than partial feeling and use. if youre writing a fic set a few years after newsies, its possible for him to develop post polio syndrome. this is generally a development of new polio symptoms years (or even decades) after the virus has run its course, which could mean worsening paralysis, breathing problems or pain. he’d also be far more susceptible to illness like colds. so, depending on what works for your plot, he could either have recovered some, or he could get worse. in rare cases, post polio syndrome will be bad enough that it will cause lung paralysis and death. but i’d be careful around that.

crutchies a tough little guy. we cant ignore the fact hes tough as nails, that he can be rough and mean and rowdy and rude like any of the other newsies. we shouldnt treat him like a helpless baby in fics. if youre going to write about him dealing with his polio, include his anger and frustration and crabbiness. dont just make him pitiful. and for the love of god, cr*p and cr*pple and i believe g*mp are (ive been told this, at least) considered slurs by the disabled community. don’t use them in your writing just because the source material does. 

if time allows, ill be writing a followup post on what crutchies polio would be like in a modern au and how that might work. thanks for reading and if ive made any mistakes, let me know.

[that-one-violist]

I jinxed myself because I really thought I had sort of "tamed" my major depression and generalized anxiety, I thought that having the right medication had finally allowed me to grow and cope and be more comfortable with being alive as myself and aware. I thought that I had the coping mechanisms and I was strong enough. That I'd never let it happen again.

I had no reason to feel the way I did. I had no reason to constantly be considering which method of suicide would be the least painful for my loved ones and the least damaging to the finances. I had no reason to constantly be faced with panic attacks that made me want to stop existing just so the racing thoughts and heart would stop.. I had no reason to constantly need self-harm so the pain in my head would move to my skin and so I could finally have something tangible to point to and say "my pain is real."

I thought that I had gotten past that chapter in my life. Why, it was nothing but a chemical imbalance that made it impossible for me to even begin to experience or interact with my world in a meaningful positive manner. Nothing more, nothing less. The meds enabled me to be me. I finally was a life I wanted to protect. I'd never let it happen again. I'd never let myself even get close.

But Its happening. Its not as severe, no where near (I wouldnt say im suicidal nor facing panic attacks and I havent relapsed in cutting) and its much different this time, in the sense that I have just enough of a reign on my thought process and coping to say "nah that aint it". But it seems like as a result I now have to deal with derealization (or depersonalization, im unsure.) which might as well be a numb anxiety attack.

Its different because I have 1 (one) thing to point to and say "this is what hurts my heart." but its not enough to justify falling down again. It still doesnt feel tangible. Because the cause isnt enough of an issue this mental state feels fake and petty, and as a result I don't feel real anymore.

Idk what I wanted to say in this. It makes it sound like im much worse than I actually am, im chill its just, idk. Im angry and dissapointed with myself for slipping again and subconsciously reaching for ways to cause myself suffering or pain both as a self-punishment and so I can make my pain justifiable and real so I can feel real again.

[emberlynnrayne]

BPD- My struggle with mental health

[I wrote this for facebook, but felt it was important to have here, too. Opening up like this was incredibly difficult.]

I promised a few days ago to write about my struggles with mental health, so here goes.

My biggest struggles are with a combination of Anxiety, Depression, and something called BPD. While real education about anxiety and depression is sorely lacking generally, it’s still far more understood and accepted than BPD, and I’ve written about them before. So let me tell you about BPD. First and foremost, despite much confusion, it does not mean bipolar disorder. It means Borderline Personality Disorder, and despite how it sounds, it has nothing to do with having multiple personalities. BPD can stem from many things, but in my case, it boils down to the environment in which I was raised. With the combination of my own mother and father suffering from their own untreated mental illnesses, the sexual abuse I suffered, and a myriad of other environmental detriments, I basically did not learn to function in an emotionally healthy way. BPD is different for everyone. That means that you may know someone with BPD who acts completely differently, it means that it needs to be treated differently per individual, and it means that the lasting effects work us in different ways.

I’m going to tell you what BPD means for me.

First and foremost, I feel strongly. I feel in extremes. It’s black or white. Good or bad. Higher highs and lower lows. I feel too much, or nothing at all, and I don’t know how to manage it. I’m getting better, but you have to realize that I don’t know any different. This is just the way it is and always has been for me. Learning that it doesn’t have to be has been slow, and trying to put it into practice has been slower. I can feel utterly overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, too full to think or express, or even understand. And I can feel empty. Just, utterly empty. Like a black hole. There’s no bottom. There’s no filling it up, or turning it around. I just have to function around the hole. There’s not always a cause for either. I don’t even know it’s happening when it starts. I just suddenly realized that it is. It is. It also makes me an extremely empathetic person. It also applies to people. I am slow to trust, but when I do, oh my god I love you so much, you’re so amazing and I put you on this beautiful ornate pedestal without ever realizing it. I am loyal to a fault. And it goes the other way, too. If I don’t like you, I really don’t like you. I don’t want to be near you, I don’t want to look at you or talk to you. If you’re in the good with me, it is incredibly hard to break out. If you manage to do something or build up enough things to fall out of the good with me, it’s worse than having been in the bad in the first place. It is incredibly difficult to do, so you would have hurt me or someone I love in a deep and horrible way. You become less than a person to me, you become less than scum. You become nothing but something to laugh at and hate simultaneously. You will never come back to my good side.

It sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? Try living it. On a list of signs and symptoms, this would be ‘unstable relationships’ and 'mood swings’.

I’ve gotten better in this aspect. Of course I still struggle with the extremes, but Im much better about holding people up on unmaintainable pedestals. I recognize that the faults in my loved ones are not secrets to be ignored and hushed, but things to love and understand with them. When you manage to fall from my good side, it is not impossible to come back. It will take time, work, and a level of honesty that is difficult for most people. The honesty is imperative though, because I am incredibly sensitive to lies, and there is no room in my life for liars. So, it is possible, but I still need you to really want it, and be willing to work for it, because remember, whatever you did had to be extreme to go from my good side to bad.

That brings me to the next point, though. Trust. I mentioned that I’m slow to trust. That is an understatement. It is incredibly difficult for me to manage my trust in people. I know that having no trust in anyone is incredibly unhealthy and isolating, so (in my naturally extreme way) I tend to trust the people on my good side almost implicitly. Lies are the easiest way to fall out. White lies, I understand. I can accept now with understanding that the world basically requires them. Unnecessary, repeatedly, or maliciously lying to me, however, is a deal breaker. Generally, though, I don’t trust people. I don’t trust strangers to any extent. No matter your gender, race, or how much space is between us, it doesn’t matter how well I know you or how much I love you. There is a deep, however slight, level of mistrust. I suspect they intend me harm. It’s irrational, but there is only one person I trust without a shadow of a doubt. The ones you love the most hurt you the worst, after all. So who can you trust? It’s such a big part of my BPD, that it actually has sub-topics. Because of the incredibly unhealthy environment I was raised in, I developed an acute sense for people’s character, integrity, and trustworthiness. It is not a brag, it is not a fun game, it is not something I usually want to 'test’ or discuss. It is an unfortunately necessary skill I had to develop to protect myself. That being said, it is always happening. I know if I’m being lied to. If I like you, I will quickly analyze it, and probably choose to ignore it, but I rarely forget it.

Once again, it goes both ways. I consider myself an incredibly honest person. Unless I am in a professional environment, I don’t typically hide what I think or how I feel. It’s difficult to do if I want to. ( I’ve actually had more than one conversation about my eyes and eyebrows away my thoughts.) I joke about 'word vomit’ on the regular because I struggle to filter my thoughts and words. (Communication in general is a topic we’ll get to soon.) I am an open book, for the first few layers, and if you care enough to ask, if I’m comfortable enough with you, Im usually open to talk down to my core. If you’re on my good side, if I love you, I truly give you my whole self. My heart is yours and I genuinely love you. I can’t not.

Personal communication. Holy shit, guys, if you gave me a month’s notice to prepare and asked me to verbally express this to you, I could not. Verbal expression is incredibly difficult for me. I can’t think when I hear my own voice, and I process incoming information best by reading or watching, too. This one is another unique to the cause of my BPD. I could give you exact details why my brain works better this way now, but that’s another story. I can’t think when I’m talking, which makes filtering, controlling, and generally communicating incredibly difficult. I get overwhelmed by the sound of my own voice. When I hear it my brain screams at me to stop talking, to the point that sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore. It is an overgrown scar from the fight or flight response, in which my voice fled, because fighting with my voice was a wet noodle against a brick wall. My voice meant nothing, and to exercise it usually brought trouble and pain. I can write, though. I was a caged bird with so much to express. It found an out through writing- my vocabulary the muscles I could flex freely, my escape was reading, my breath was writing. The only freedom I always had was writing. I can write. I can’t speak.

But it’s currently 3:40 in the morning and while I love to write, writing about myself and translating my massive struggle into something I feel accurately expresses it, is difficult and exhausting. For now, I may need to dial back the explanations and keep it simple. If I can, I’ll expand upon the parts I feel I should later.

I have intense abandonment issues, and practically no self esteem. I truly struggle with the belief that people don’t actually like me, they’re just being nice and tolerating me. One day, they’ll all get bored of me, or grow to hate me, or I’ll do something wrong, or we’ll just grow apart and I will 100% lose everything I have and everyone I love. I haven’t been able to tackle that yet. Its almost a fact in my mind. The sky is blue, and everyone in my life will leave me. Grass is green and I am a worthless pile of human waste. The sun is a star and I hate myself and I’m terrible at everything I will ever try to do or be. Forgive me, I know that’s the part people usually jump to argue with first, but please don’t. It’s not based in logic. I appreciate the sentiment, but it almost makes things worse. My brain says 'look at how they pity you, pathetic thing’. It’s ugly, but it’s my reality.

The second ugliest thing that people seem to struggle with is self harm and suicidal thoughts. It’s not always cutting or burning, or jumping or hanging. For some people it’s over eating. For others it’s substance abuse. For some it’s spending, for others it’s sex. Self harm, for me, it is either vivid thoughts of being roughly, uncomfortably bound with rope or wire. In a completely not-sexual way. Being able to tighten it or struggle against it and feel the pain. I don’t know why, but that’s what it is these days. The suicidal thoughts for me are much more passive. “What if that car swerved and hit me.” “What if I got really sick and there was no cure.” “What if a vein popped in my brain and I bled out.” Not actively trying, or even hoping. Just recurring thoughts of the end of my life. (Let me reassure you, right now, because suicide is no joke and it is not something I take lightly. I have no intention of trying to end my life. I have no intention of letting anything else do it for me. If I can avoid it, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I promise.) It’s just one of those things. Like a song getting stuck in your head. It just happens.

I am sensitive. I notice the slightest change in the tone of your voice. I notice the twitch of your brow. I see the wringing of your hands. These tiny changes can be absolutely nothing, and part of me will know that, but the other part of myself is already obsessing about what I’ve said and what mistake I’ve made and how much I’ve upset this person or how far I’ve just managed to push them away.

I take it to heart when you make a joke at my expense. Even if you’re kidding, and I know you are, even if its super funny and I’m laughing my butt off, even if I know that it’s absolutely untrue, a sliver of it goes straight to my soft heart. It will sting regardless, and I will stress and worry that it might be true.

I am socially inept. I second guess EVERYTHING I do socially and if I make a slip that you’ll forget in seconds, I will still be mentally beating myself up for it the unforeseeable future. (As I write this, one slip I made 4 or 5 months ago comes to mind, and it still makes my stomach drop and anxiety raise.)

I am incredibly hard on myself, with a massive guilt complex, and have absolutely no idea how to to cope with or express it. If I accidentally stepped on your toe, I am immediately burying myself in insults and scolding and hating myself. I am imagining the rough ropes binding me, and wishing I could just disappear. I’m already so far gone in my mind that in reality I am clumsily trying to apologize and the worse it is, the worse I feel, the less I know how to express my regret properly. No one wants you to cry with guilt over stepping on their toe. So I can seem stilted and callous. I know sometimes it seems like I’m not sorry, but I just don’t know how to express it in a socially acceptable, healthy way. I genuinely blame myself completely for things I had absolutely no control over, and I’m always apologizing. Sometimes I’m apologizing just for existing, taking up space and your time with my foolish self. But that’s not socially acceptable to say. To I apologize again with a laugh or joke, so it’s easier for everyone to move on.

I, personally, struggle with the need for validation and reassurance in a very big and real way. I can’t really express why and how, but it’s so, so important to me.

Trying to juggle this issue and trying to remember and practice functioning like a healthy person absolutely contributes to my anxiety and depression. It is exhausting and isolating, and even as I write this, I’m not sure if I’m actually learning to function in a healthier way, or of I’m learning how to pretend better. I am happy and life is generally good, but these are deep set scars that are going to take a long, long time and a lot of effort to work through.

So there you are. An incredibly intimate and honest look at my struggle with mental health. My cards are on the table and Im nearly out of words.

I know that being around me requires a level of patience that not everyone has. I know that loving me can be complicated and challenging. But I feel your support. It is immeasurably appreciated. It is held with serene awe and gratitude. To know that people actually choose to spend their time sharing any level of existing space with me, always surprises me and brings me strength.

Thank you for reading.