#and i get it. i know that irina was having her do a job

[on-a-sunbeam]

So please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think Alias ever really talked about how awful the whole doubling process would be? Like, the actual process itself would probably be pretty painful, sure, but remember going through puberty and having your body adjust to all that? Except this time your entire DNA is being changed. But not your brain, apparently. (WHICH, while I'm rambling, according to this report, you 100% can identify different brains from each other. In Alias, however, they say you can only tell if someone's a double through their eyes, which means that the person's actual brain is also changed, so I guess Alias just casually tried to tell us that souls or something of that ilk do, in fact, exist, and then never mentioned that again)

Which puts us in a very unique position! Because your brain's shape is now different, it's literal dna is different, and that does affect you as a person, except no?? It doesn't effect the doubles? As far as we see they're the same person. Ignoring the way more fun option of this does effect the doubles and maybe they start to show traits that the original had which would've been SO much fun but whatever, let's just say that your brain shape/makeup doesn't matter. Everything you do, everything that makes you you comes from something else. Your soul, your spirit, Rambaldi controlling you like a video game character, whatever.

This would make being a double really, really suck. Because your consciousness just got poured into this new body, essentially, which means that you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT. The proportions are just wrong, first of all. Maybe the original's legs are a little longer. Now you have to walk up a flight of stairs, and not only are their legs longer, maybe they're a little thicker. Maybe they have a bad knee that you never knew about. Maybe they work out a lot and their legs are way stronger than yours were. Even if you guys were exactly the same height and lived exactly the same way, you would still have fundamentally different legs.

But for the sake of argument let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say okay, so maybe you still have your soul/consciousness/whatever, but that just contains your memory and personality and what not. All of the physical aspects are controlled by your brain, which should be suited to your body either way because that's how the process works. (Disclaimer: I am not a scientist and have no idea what I'm talking about) Okay, fine. That's fair. Except...even if your brain can move your legs perfectly, wouldn't it still be terrifying to remember that this isn't how they normally move? Your body might be perfectly functional, but your mind still wouldn't be used to functioning it.

(And this is all very sudden, too! I mentioned puberty earlier, but that is something that a) still takes place in your own body, with your own brain. It's hormones changing, not DNA. And b) might come faster for some people, but you know, generally takes a little longer than a couple-hour long surgery)

Also if we were to go that route, what would happen if the original person say, had some mental condition? That's a brain thing, not a soul thing. Your physical brain is now the same as theirs, so would you inherit that too?

In conclusion: local idiot rambles about how Allison should've misjudged a step and fallen down a flight of stairs and gotten adhd from Francie.

[ahappyplacefornat]

Hey :》

What about Nat being a mom for her kids while she is still working for shield as the black widow?

Have a nice day or night!!!

The black widow as a mom

Word count: 1328

Summary: Natasha has to handle three kids plus being the black widow. A hard task.

Pairing: slight Natasha Romanoff x gn!neutral reader.

Warnings: none

None: It took me real long to finish this request, I hope you like it and please let me know if you see any mistakes! This is also way shorter than I wanted it to be, let me know if you would like a part 2 :(

So, one would think Natasha is perfectly capable of handling three kids and a job as a spy for SHIELD, right? 

Well, that’s right, she is. But it is certainly not as easy as she and her partner thought it would be.

First of all and probably the question she made herself the most, why were they so bad at timing?

I mean, yeah, they’re kids, but everytime they would call her, she was always doing something dangerous that needed her complete attention.

But her kids were always gonna be first.

In the middle of an interrogation, a phone started ringing. To be oddly specific, Nats phone started ringing from her purse. Damn it! she thought, how did she forget to leave her normal phone at home and bring her work phone with her? it probably had something to do with her partner suggesting it was a good idea to buy THE SAME PHONE twice, since the second one would be cheaper, she couldn’t believe she let them take that offer.

“So, what do we have here?” One of the men in front of her took the phone out and read from the screen the contact name: “Honey”. His face instantly brightened up as he stared at the screen, that wasn’t a good sign. “Here is what’s gonna happen, darling. I’ll let you answer the call so you can reassure your little ´honey´ you are ok” he smiled “then we will keep talking and maybe you’ll see them again, are we clear?” 

“As water” she answered, with a side smirk before getting to answer the call. As soon as she did, she heard a loud set of laughter that she could recognize everywhere. 

“Mama, you sure took your time to answer” it was Yakov, the oldest. After that, she swears she could hear Irina tell him to hurry up.

“Hi, baby. Is everything okay at home?” a suddenly calming voice got out of her mouth, it was always so warm talking with them. But she needed this call to end as soon as possible.

“Yeah, umm” the only thing she could hear was his breathing, that got her a little worried. She was already holding her own “The responsible adult that was supposed to take care of us left like fifteen minutes ago to the grocery store” He meant their parent, he was always the sassy one “And we don’t have a clue on where the cheese is so we can make some sandwiches…We thought maybe you knew, do you?”

And she obviously did, it was in the fridge, at the bottom, as always. She sighed.

It was actually kind of refreshing to have your kids asking the most silly question at the worst moments, she was gonna give them that.

It wasn’t their fault, after all, the only thing they knew about her job is that sometimes she would run into Captain America or Thor and that “wasn’t a big deal”.

She knew they thought that she was a cashier close to the avengers tower. Sometimes, she wishes that was true.

It got a little more complicated when her middle child started a tantrum because she wanted to go with her on the “bring your kid to work” day.

Don’t get her wrong, Natasha LOVED her kids more than anything, she was grateful everyday for them and to finally have a family with the person she loved the most, but sometimes they were too much. By too much she didn’t mean annoying or anything related, they were just…special.

Out of nowhere, she found herself walking to the store next to the Avengers tower, holding the little hand of her daughter while she tried to hide her face under a pair of sunglasses (thanks, Steve). Both went inside the little shop called Iron-Groceries and started walking through every corner.

“Soooo…this is where mama works” said the little girl, with a little spark of disappointment on her voice “I was expecting something better”

“Were you?” Natasha couldn’t help but let a giggle get out of her mouth “You do know I never said I worked here, right?” Nat got on her knees to speak clearly with her daughter, tapping her forehead with her finger “You just assumed that, baby”.

“Well, yeah…” accepted the shorter one, a bit ashamed “But you always refuse to tell us what is your work about and I was excited to think of you as the most beautiful cashier to EVER exist” while saying ever, she made sure to draw a giant circle with her hands, Natasha thought that she was very, very wrong when she believed that she couldn’t love her kids more.

“How about we buy some chocolates and go to the exhibition of ironman at the bottom of the tower, would you like that?” Said the redhead, feeling incapable of stopping her smile.

To be completely honest, the most difficult part for Nat wasn’t receiving strange calls during her missions or getting mistaken as a cashier.

It was always going to be the fact that she was missing important moments of her kids' lives because she couldn't risk being recognised or she was too busy with work.

School events? never. Doctor appointments? Not even dreaming. Dinner with the mothers of the other kids at school? Maybe she didn’t miss that one so much.

She was always sad everytime she needed to leave.

Watching their little eyes water whenever she said she wouldn’t come back in a few days.

It never failed to break her heart.

But there was ONE thing she would never miss.

she would always turn down any mission she had just to take her youngest kid to the optics so he could get new glasses.

She was never gonna regret that.

Standing in front of the store, with her little boy in her arms, both had a confused look on their faces. They had so many options, from red to purple glasses to big and small frames. It was never an easy decision, the hour and a half that they already spent there was proof.

“I think I want the blue ones, mama” Exhaled the blond boy, trying to make up his mind. Kind of tired even if he wasn’t touching the floor at all to stand.

“Do you? last week you said you wanted black ones, to look cool at kindergarten” She said, looking at him with a tiny smile.

“Yeah, I do” He said, so sure of himself that even Nat felt confident with his decision.

“Well, let’s go then” she reaffirmed him on her side and began to walk inside the store, but just before she could get fully inside, the little guy spoke.

“But maybe the yellow ones…” and there Natasha could sense another hour and a half coming for them. 

She wasn’t expecting Fury to be happy as soon as she went back, since she clearly told him this was only going to take twenty minutes. She grabbed her baby’s cheek and left a kiss there, followed by many others as his laugh only got her to feel even more tempted to never stop. All this time was never a waste. 

There is not much more to say about this, but maybe we could finish talking about the rough days, the end of those to be more specific.

After dealing with everything involving her three kids and her job, there was nothing more delightful than laying on bed with her loved one.

Just feeling the back of her arm being calmly touched in little rounded forms at night was enough to get her realizing that everything was more than worth it.

She would sleep like a tree, being the little spoon after tiring days and sometimes sharing her bed with one of the kids if not all of them.

She would definitively put her phone in flying mode, never wanting to bother her little family with working calls in the middle of the night.

[panlight]

What do you think the Denali Coven were like as humans, their interests or hobbies, or maybe do as a career? (Kate probably does martial arts or self-defense, Tanya could work in art, Eleazar in business, etc etc. They got that big mountain home somehow)

I'm skeptical of them having careers in the present day, given that they seem to have been staying in the same place since at least the 1930s. I guess now they could be doing some sort of remote work? Maybe in the past they wrote books or articles under pseudonyms, or just picked up odd jobs here and there. Or the sisters just had their boyfriends buy them things and pay for stuff?

(And I DO wonder about their house because Denali is a national park. Are they paying the government off to let them keep staying there? Is it so remote the government doesn't know about it? SM seems to suggest they live literally ON the mountain.)

As a human Kate seemed to be into martial arts and physical fitness, having served as a bodyguard of sorts to what amounted to a princess. I think she and Emmett would have had fun over the years testing the limits of vampire abilities. Maybe she does workout videos online.

Irina was from a small farming community, I imagine she had a quieter, more peaceful human life than Kate. Maybe she still likes to grow things? An Alaskan mountain cabin is not like, the most ideal place for a garden. Maybe she keeps an indoor herb garden? Or they are hiding a big greenhouse on the mountain too, lol.

I've imagined that Tanya was possibly from a more well-to-do background; Sasha was her great-aunt and had been watching over the family which makes me think the family was prosperous in some way. Maybe they were skilled craftspeople or involved in local government. We don't really get a sense of what Tanya's hobbies are (other than romantic pursuits), but she seems cultured and sophisticated, while still also fun. Keep thinking of her cannonball into the snow. Maybe becoming a vampire gave her freedom from the expectations of her family/society and that's part of the reason she so was so devoted to Sasha. She didn't feel like she robbed her of her human life, but that she gave her freedom from it. But I do like to think she is maybe into some sort of craft; maybe she remembers ancient weaving or ceramic techniques and sells them at craft fairs and on Etsy.

Eleazar seems like a scholarly sort, and Carmen gives musical vibes, although that might be because of the actress who played her in the movies. In my mind she sings, plays several instruments, dances. Eleazar enjoys these things too, but he is the harmony to her melody; he supports her, but it's her passion. Maybe she was a street musician when they met. Her siren song lured him away from the Volturi. I think Eleazar is like Aro and Carlisle, very curious, wants to learn and study, but perhaps more about history and culture than Carlisle's science/medicine angle.

[shelbgrey]

Dating Eleazar Denali Headcanons

Paring: Cullen!Reader X Eleazar Denali

Summary: just some dating headcanons for my favorite Spanish vampire from Alaska

Warrings: there's a few NSFW headcanons in here so be aware.

🩵Eleazar denali series 🩵twilight master list

Your the newest addition to the family, you joined around the 90s (in the twilight timeline). With you being the newest member you and the Denalis didn't interact as much.

After Carmen cheated on Eleazar with Demetri, he moved to Forks with Tayna, Kate, and Irina in tow.

Then he saw you again for the first time in a while. I think the two of you always knew there was a connection or mate bond but never acted upon it due to obviously reasons.

He spent his entire first week at Forks talking to you and during that time he fell harder for you.

You couldn't help but fall for his charm, he just knew how to make you blush.

When Your 'brother' carlisle found out he was pissed, the family has never seen him that angry. He's very protective of you and when he heard the Eleazar was your mate he punched him.

“stay away from her”

Esme has to pull him away and talk some since into him. “they're mates... And they're happy”

Him and Eleazar made up and Carlisle spent over two weeks apologizing for his actions. It's all water under the bridge because Eleazar understood where he was coming from and carlisle knew Eleazar would treat you like a queen.

“I love her”

“I know you do”

Your engaged by the time Bella shows up. To put it delicately she the reason your wedding kept getting put off. James, birthday gone wrong, newborn army, ya know 'normal' stuff.

You got married after the newborn army problem ended. “yeah you think we could get married now? Just a thought”

Eleazar secretly gets really tired of the Bella and Edward drama, so he made sure you got your wedding first. You guys have been waiting too long.

He loves your eyes, especially when you were human. He loves how innocent and soft they looked, they're so gentle.

I wouldn't say Eleazar is a prude but he's definitely uptight and is the serious one out of his coven, but you bring out a softer and brighter side in him. He loves how you can make him laugh and being him out of his comfort zone.

You can always make him laugh, no matter what. He's the serious one in the relationship and your the bubbly one.

Tayna calls you the golden retriever of your relationship and Eleazar is the black cat.

Your the only one who can call him Eli... Maybe Tayna but other than that your the only one who gets the pleasure to do so. “she's the only one who can call me that that”

It's the small things that matter most. He loves dancing with you to your favorite songs. It brings a softer side to your guys chaoic lives.

He never was much of a dancer before meeting you though, but you changed that. It first it was just to mess around because you were bored, but then you both found out how much you loved it.

���I don't dance Love”

You rolled your eyes and wrapped your arms around him. “you do know”

He leaves love notes every where for you to find, sometimes it will be on your mirror, sometimes in the book your reading at the time, no matter what your always finding his sweet messages.

'If I were to kiss you and then go to hell I would, so then I can brag with the devils I saw heaven without even entering it.'

You guys love watching old monster movies together.

You learned he paces when he's nervous or aggravated. He'll move back and forth in your room at lighting speed somethings, mumbling Spanish. If he gets real aggravated he'll rant in English and slowly bleed into Spanish.

With jobs its simple, when he moved to Forks he became the Spanish teacher at Forks High, your doctor like Carlisle.

He didn't relize how touch starved he was till he met you. At first touching and contact wasn't really on the top of his list of needs(him and Carmen didn't touch much) but when you started dating he couldn't keep his hands to himself, he always has to be holding your hand or if your sitting on the couch or something your head is on his shoulder or chest.

You guys are family people, you have this mother vibe to you(Emmett says your like the second mom to them) so when the whole new-born delema happened Eleazar convinced Felix to spare Bree Tanner. You two adopted her and became the parents she never had.

If you met and and married before your transformation you two would have twins, the birth wasn't dramatic like Bella's and you made it threw with smooth sailing after Eleazar terned you.

From the beginning Carlisle was gonna turn you. When you first joined the family you were human, but when you met Eleazar you decide it would be him that would turn you.

Anyway, your twins are a boy and a girl(hybrids of course). Your daughter is gifted, it kinda mirrors Eleazar's ability to see what gift a vampire has. Instead of reading them she copy's them. She found out one day when she was holding Kate's hand then shocked Emmett by accident.

“your daughter is a copy cat” Eleazar smiled proudly. “yeah no shit” Emmett said rubbing his arm.

Your son doesn't have any special powers expect being incredibly fast, faster than Edward even.

Your daughter is an exact copy of Eleazar and your son is a copy of you.

Your really close to Tayna and Kate. They are both like little sisters to you. You and Irina are not as close but you got each other's backs.

Of corse you'd never trust Irina again after she went to the vulturi about the Twins and Renesmee.

The girls were over the moon when Eleazar told them about you and in the beginning of your relationship he was always going to the girls for advice.

He's so afraid of losing you, your the best thing that's ever happened to him and he doesn't want to screw it up. Of course he doesn't have to worry about that.

Your always resuring him that your always gonna be by his side. With that I think he's secretary insecure, he's never really had anyone drool over him like girls do Carlisle or Garrett, so your always telling him how handsome he is.

“have I told you how handsome you are?”

He smiled softly. “Yes dear, like a million times”

He just the same, he makes sure your the only woman he sees. Your truly the most beautifulest woman he's ever layed eyes on. “your so beautiful”

He's very protective of you, he not a violent person in the slightest but if someone caused you harm he'll tear the world down.

He doesn't let anyone talk down towrds you or about you. He's the type to either put the fear of God in them or if it was a friend they won't be on speaking terms anymore.

He'd never admit it or talk about it to someone, but he's a cuddler. If your still human your curled up to his chest sleeping like a baby, he'll have his arms around you all night and intill your wake up.

If your in the living room watching a movie with the family your head is on his shoulder or in his lap.

He'll watch anything that interestes you at the time. He likes supernatural and he'll watch Greys Anatomy on an ocation, being friends with Carlisle for centuries you learn alot of medical stuff, so he knows when somethings wrong in the show.

He's definitely a 'yes dear' when it comes to things, not in a bad way or anything. It boils down to that he'll do anything for you.

He's a rough but passionate kisser. He pours all his love and emotions into it, he makes sure your the only one on this earth he wants to love.

NSFW headcanons:

Eleazar has this mischievous kind of charm to him and he uses it to his advantage when it comes to getting your attention. He knows all your ticks and can easily get your riled up.

And it's definitely not one sided. Eleazar would consider himself calm and collected... Serious even, but you know how to get him riled up as well. Like I said before he became a touch person after meeting you. Sometimes all you have to do is Trail your hand down his chest or rub the inside of his thigh. When you push the right buttons he'll pull you towrds your room and you'll be in there for hours tangled in each other.

“darling... Don't start anything you can't finish”

He tries his hardest to be romantic all the time, during sex especially. He wants you to know just how much he loves and adores you.

He's a soft Dom and he always makes sure your comfortable. He loves to take control in the bed but would never push you.

Your pace all depends on your moods honestly. Usually it's slow and loving, everything moves so quickly in his life so it's nice to just savor moments like this. But if you get him riled up or push the right buttons that switch will be flipped in seconds.

Your small compared to him so he loves to have you in his lap, holding you when you make love.

Speaking of which, he refuses to refer sex as 'fucking', he thinks is degrading towrds you so it's 'making love' in his vocabulary.

He loves hearing you moan. If you try to hold back or even muffle them when it's unnecessary, he'd put an end to it. “please don't hold back Love, let me hear you”

He definitely has a Praise kink, he loves making you feel loved and appreciated. He love how he can easily make you blush. “your so Beautiful”

He found out very quickly how much it makes you blush. He took it as more sweet and innocent than sexual.

Small choking kink when you get him in the right mood, he'd never do anything to hurt you so this is a very rare occasion during sex, especially if your still human.

Loves eating you out,your legs around his head. He loves your legs in general and loves leaving kisses on the insides of your thighs. He'd rather pleasure you for hours than receive.

Lots of broken furniture(Esme has about had it). Usually it's broken headbords on your beds. There's always gonna be a dent where his hand grabed in attempt not to hurt you.

He's not very vocal, unless he's praising you. maybe some groans here and there, he'd rather hear all the sweet noise coming from you.

Eleazar is a god when it comes to aftercare. He'll knows exactly what you need and gets it. He'll make sure your comfortable and cleaned up then hold you in his arms.

[innerchorus]

Arslan Senki Chapter 126 (Part 2)

And unlike Kmanga you don't even have to pay twice for the privilege of having it split into two. SPOILERS for this chapter, I can't stress enough that the ending is a huge fucking cliffhanger so if you don't want to get spoiled please don't look.

That's a piece of the (Un)Holy Master's cloak...

Nicely dealt with by Andragoras!

Anyway, this is proper confirmation that Team Zahhak's clothing has magical properties / a life of its own and can potentially be dangerous even when separated from the wearer.

Given how fast the Master can dodge (or more correctly this is a teleportation style of evasion that I mentioned before where he reappears behind them) it's impressive that Andragoras actually landed a blow, though it's not even close to being a fatal one. Still, he looks like he's aiming to finish the job until the Master tries to regain control of the situation by attempting to blackmail Andragoras with the location of his child!

These panels of a shocked Hilmes in the background just watching all this drama unfold, lol

Anyway, it turns out Andragoras cannot be blackmailed and he'd rather renounce his child than be manipulated like this, which is... very on brand for Andragoras, regardless of what the truth about the child turns out to be in Arakawa's manga.

The Master: tch! Hilmes: Yikes

(Is anyone of the Parsian royal line a good father? Doesn't seem that way in recent generations. Hilmes, please reverse this trend with Irina by your side, I'd love to see you both happy with a family!)

Anyway GUESS WHO'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR IN THAT LAST PANEL? THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ZANDEH, PUPPY BOY TO THE RESCUE! And he's still got that little guy who was one of Kharlan's soldiers with him, and that warms my heart for some reason, I hope he gets to live.

Hilmes... 😭

I wonder what Zandeh thinks? It's clearly not 'nothing at all'.

Anyway this makes me really sad because where we saw Arslan open up to his followers and receive their support, Hilmes... can't bring himself to do that. Personally, I feel that at this point, Zandeh would support him regardless (as would Sam, who unbeknownst to Hilmes already knows the truth) but Hilmes can't bring himself to admit it, to admit the fact that he's based his whole life around a lie. Without his claim to the throne, who is he?

It's sad that he can't see that the right to rule and the qualities that might inspire loyalty and love are based on so much more. I'm not saying that he's a worthy ruler right now, unlike Arslan he hasn't even thought about how he'll govern the country for the better, but I do find it sad that his mindset leaves him so isolated here when it doesn't need to be that way.

(I'm going to need an Irina mention soon. At least show that Hilmes is thinking of her, even if he feels he can't speak with her.)

That's it for Team Hilmes content this chapter, anyway.

Who should Team Arslan bump into on the way to Mount Demavant but the Zot with a leashed Don Ricardo, still clinging on to Rukhnabad! So while Arslan did deliberately set out to get the sword, in the end it looks like it's going to happen via a chance encounter (well, if anyone can ever persuade Don Ricardo to let go of it).

Gieve recognising Rukhnabad is a great moment! Even he is so shocked that it seems like he's struggling to form the words as he processes what he's seeing.

I feel pretty sorry for Don Ricardo, he hasn't really recovered mentally from his encounter with Zahhak, he doesn't look to be in a great state, and while the Zot are merely intending to hand him over to Arslan, they can't communicate with him so presumably all he knows is that he's their prisoner, he has no idea what his fate will be and nobody to reassure him. Likewise, they don't know what he's been through.

Team Arslan try to figure it out thanks to Estelle, but Don Ricardo is too distressed, so they decide to find a village to stay the night. It's at this point that alarm bells started going off in my mind.

Narsus says "It's too quiet." (I start thinking of the village he stayed in with Alfarid where Arzhang had killed all the villagers.)

The horses start freaking out (we know they react this way to Team Zahhak)

Team Arslan find bodies of villagers with only their brain eaten (and who do we know of who has an appetite for brains?)

OH FUCK, OH SHIT, OH FUUUUCK

A weird mist begins to seep into the scene; Zahhak in the novels was described as exuding a miasma of sorts, I think it provoked fear in those who were close to it?

PANELS THAT FILLED MY HEART WITH PURE DREAD

Gods, I hope everyone survives this encounter. I don't know how it's going to go down but it strikes me that this could be it, this could be the actual deciding fight as far as Zahhak is concerned, because we have Rukhnabad on the scene right here, it could really be happening in Arakawa's manga right now, and I'm not sure I'm ready?

My head is ringing with questions. What does Zahhak's full form look like (we see the snakes clearly but not what they're attached to)? Is he fully resurrected or are the shoulder snakes just operating on the instinct of hunger? What happened to Kaykhusraw's body? Are any members of Team Zahhak here with the Snake King? If Team Arslan do fight Zahhak here, how do they go about it? One on one? As the strongest warrior, will Daryun take him on? Will Arslan (with Estelle's help) manage to persuade Don Ricardo to hand over Rukhnabad, and will he opt to take on the Snake King himself with the sword's powers?

Man I wish Kubard were here... I've always said he'd set everyone straight about the notion of taking on a being like the Snake King in single combat... Just kill it, any way you can.

Part of me feels like Zahhak won't be defeated yet and this encounter will serve its purpose mainly in showing Team Arslan that he truly has been unsealed, so now they'll know what the sorcerers were working towards and they'll know what they're up against. But will they come through this unscathed? I'm not ready for character deaths!

My working theory as of this post: Zahhak is not fully conscious and is mainly being driven by the snakes' hunger; he is heading for Ecbatana for some sort of ritual involving the head jars where he will truly return in full. The final confrontation will take place after matters in the capital with Andragoras and Hilmes have been resolved, and may involve entering Team Zahhak's lair beneath Ecbatana (ArAkAwA sHoW mE tHe DaRk TeMpLe).

Guys... I am utterly exhausted, this chapter has wrecked me. I'll keep an eye out for raws / somewhere to read the simulpub for free and post a link if I see it.

[alexandralyman]

Neither Confirm Nor Deny (Dave York x Reader)

Dave York has taken over my life. I dived headfirst into Pedro Pascal fandom and this asshole caught me (among others, looking at you Commandante Veracruz). 7k of self-indulgence later, here's Dave x Reader as CIA agents and partners - AU, Dave went into the CIA after the military and never became a contract killer. Oh, and Carol and the kids don't exist in this.

Rated M for smut and vague mentions of bad people doing bad things

https://archiveofourown.org/works/50244982

You're a CIA agent on assignment in Europe caught up not in enemy crossfire, but in the love/hate relationship you have with your asshole of a partner, Dave York.

You hate how much you secretly love how good he is not just at his job, but between the sheets as well. He drives you up the wall most of the time (and fucks you up against them even better), but when your own agency betrays you at the end of an op, he's the only one who's still got your back.

You can never confirm what he really is to you, but you can't deny it either.

neither confirm nor deny

You practically fling the door to the safe house open, making the rusty hinges squeal loudly in protest as if to remind you about the need for stealth and discretion. Normally you’re the very model of both during a mission, but right now you don’t give a shit. Let the damn place get compromised, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Nothing fucking matters.

You’re met on the threshold by the barrel of Dave’s gun, aimed for a kill shot and immediately withdrawn when he sees it’s you. Protocol when entering the safe house was to knock first with two taps to announce your entry and that everything was fine.

Everything isn’t fucking fine.

“Jesus Christ,” he swears, because you never break protocol—except, of course, when you very much do—and he almost just shot you in the face for it. “What the actual fuck…wait. What happened? What’s wrong?”

Dave York is infuriatingly good at reading your moods. He knows when you’re happy and he knows when you’re angry, which is far more common and usually directed at him. He also almost always knows when you’re horny, which isn’t uncommon, especially around him, but is dead last right now on the list of emotions you’re currently experiencing. Murderous is first, and he’s familiar with that one too because it’s also frequently directed at him. It’s infuriating because you’re a highly trained CIA agent with a highly trained poker face you could easily clean out Vegas with, but at the moment even the most oblivious person in the world could tell that you’re on the verge of a volcanic eruption and not just your asshole of a partner who knows you all too well.

“They’re letting the bastard walk,” you practically spit.

Dave blinks, “What?”

“Yeah,” your voice is more bitter than the ridiculous amount of espresso he drinks like it’s water. “Apparently he cut a deal, and they’re letting him walk.”

Dave is many things, slow on the uptake isn’t one of them. “They flipped him,” he says, matter of fact. “He’s an asset now.”

You’d spent months trying to bring down Andrei “the Crow” Morozov, arms dealer, sex trafficker, Eurotrash asshole extraordinaire. Hours and hours of sorting through the mountains of intel for the nuggets of gold, late nights, shitty safe houses, getting two ribs cracked in Düsseldorf and not going to hospital because you would have been pulled from the mission, just dealing with the pain because you were so close, so close, to finally catching the slippery bastard and putting him away for good. It was all for nothing, Morozov shot you a shit-eating grin as the cuffs were unlocked and walked out of custody a free man.

“Give Irina’s mother my love,” he’d said with a wink, and three agents had to hustle you out of the room with his mocking laughter following you lest you go after him with your bare hands. The things he’d done to the poor girl, barely more than a child. You’d promised her mother, you swore to the woman that the monster responsible would be brought to justice. Instead, you watched him walk away free and clear with the blessing of your own damn agency.

“It makes sense,” Dave says, setting his gun back down on the battered coffee table that was scattered with nicks and cigarette burns courtesy of the many nameless, faceless agents who’d sought sanctuary for the night. “He’s connected to all the major players in Eastern Europe, with the amount of intel he could provide if they keep him in place it’s no wonder the plan was to flip him all along.”

That brings you up short as a new, hotter fury starts to burn under your skin. “It was? You…you knew?”

He gives a shrug with a broad shoulder that you may end up dislocating depending on what he says next. “Officially? No. But I suspected. Didn’t you?”

You…didn’t. Fuck, you one hundred percent didn’t expect the CIA would stab you in the back and worst of all, Dave did. He shouldn’t have put his gun down, because you have a new target now.

“And you didn’t fucking tell me? After all that fucking work to catch the son of a bitch? When I didn’t shoot him in Germany despite having a clear shot because I thought he was going to be locked up for the rest of his life, not let out to keep ruining lives because he’s a fucking ASSET to the CIA now?

When I was making promises I couldn’t keep, you think, but don’t say.

“The CIA has gotten into bed with much worse than Morozov when it serves their purpose. You know that. What makes this different?” Dave asks, the infuriatingly calm eye in your raging storm.

It was different because…because…

Because of Irina and all the others. The ones whose names you knew. The ones whose names you didn’t and would haunt you forever. Because you’d looked Andrei Morozov right in the eye in the underground club in Düsseldorf where he sold girls as easily as shots to asshole men and swore to yourself that you’d make him pay.

Because it was personal.

You couldn’t do this. Not now, running on no sleep and barely any food and the ash of your own failure in your mouth. Tears start to burn behind your eyes, but you’d walk barefoot through a minefield before letting Dave York see you cry.

“You should have told me. We’re supposed to be partners.”

You could almost handle being betrayed by the higher ups, the ones who sat in windowless rooms looking at names and numbers on reports and decided which was more valuable, some teenage girls or the man who’d sold them to the highest bidder. The CIA made deals with all sorts of devils, dictators, terrorists, lowlife arms dealers. You couldn’t handle being betrayed by Dave

, who was by your side the whole time you were on the ground putting faces to the names on those reports. Anna. Olga. Irina.

He calls your name when you leave, your real name, not the one you were given for the mission with a passport and credit cards to match. He’s been calling you by that fake name for months, or, when you push him onto his back in a safe house or a hotel or wherever you’re holed up for a few hours and take him inside, he calls you baby or sweetheart in a voice that gets increasingly more wrecked with each roll of your hips into his and you pretend to hate it.

The sound of your real name from a man who rarely uses it almost makes you stop on the narrow stairs of the ancient building before you reach the outside.

Almost.

You’re in Paris, the city of lights and romance and the final stop on this farce of a European tour now that Morozov’s been caught and released in pursuit of bigger fish. The station chief said to take a few days to decompress before heading back stateside. Do some sightseeing, or some shopping. Patronizing jackass. You almost stabbed him with a pen. As if you were in the mood for museums or boutiques after Morozov walked, like this was a vacation and not your life’s work. You find the French equivalent of a dive bar instead and speak the international language of alcohol to the bartender, drink until it’s too dark to see the Eiffel Tower or the Arc de Triomphe or anything except the bottom of an empty glass before ordering another. A man sidles over at some point between drinks three and four and tries to pick you up, a local with an accent you would have swooned for once upon a time. He’s attractive enough and you’re tempted, there’s more than one way to forget your absolute shitshow of a job. You’re definitely no stranger to this one, but not with anyone else since…

Fuck.

You’re not dating Dave York. He’s your partner, because you did something terrible in a past life and this is karma biting you in the ass for it. And it’s not that he’s a bad agent, far from it. He’s one of the best in the agency. He’s also smug, and irritating, and you want to punch him in the face on a near day basis. He’s fucking good at his job, and that means he knows with pinpoint accuracy just what buttons to push to drive you up the goddamn wall. He also knows just what buttons to push when he’s fucking you against a wall, which happens on an alarmingly regular basis. He understands the adrenaline rush at the end of a successful mission and the helpless frustration when a target skips through the net instead, he’s the only one who knows why you currently have a large bruise across your ribs and the unseen marks the work leaves on your soul.

Parisian sights and a pretty Frenchman offering a turn in the sheets both hold no allure, you go back to the safe house once the bar closes, far drunker than you should be. Not drunk enough to forget the smirk on Morozov’s face, for that you need to fuck Dave until everything else fades away. Only the small garret apartment is empty, his gun isn’t on the table and the air already feels stale, like no one’s been there for hours. Maybe he went out looking for you, although if he did, he would have found you. Maybe he went to find someone to spend the night with, someone who doesn’t throw things at his head and threatens to strangle him with his own tie when he’s being a dick. He’s seen you do it too, so it’s not an idle threat. The mission in Monte Carlo. The second one. Where the two of you posed as a wealthy businessman and his mistress, and caught the target’s eye in your cut-down-to-the-navel dress with no room to hide a gun and had to improvise. Dave fucked you from behind on the balcony of your hotel room afterwards, still in your dress and heels, and he wasn’t the slightest bit turned off by the fact that you’d just killed a man with your bare hands and a length of deceptively strong silk from Hermès. If anything he was even harder than usual, quickly unzipping his suit pants with one hand as he shoved your dress up with the other and whispering all sorts of deliciously filthy things in your ear as he buried himself to the hilt over and over again with the lights of the city glittering below like a fortune in precious jewels.

The Paris safe house is a lot less lavish than a five-star hotel, the hot water in the tiny bathroom can be described as only slightly less icy than the cold tap and the floors are so uneven that if anyone did break in they’d probably trip over their own feet before getting a single shot off. It’s extra hazardous when drunk, even for a highly trained agent, but you manage to navigate your way to the sink to splash some water pulled from the frigid depths of the Seine on your face and stay upright long enough to strip off your clothes, leaving them in a heap where they fall. You grab a T-shirt from the back of a chair that you think is yours in your inebriated state, until you slip it on and realize the shoulders are far too wide and the hem is too long. It’s one of Dave’s, well worn and soft and you drank way too much alcohol tonight to bother trying to pretend that you don’t like the way it feels to wear his clothes. He’s not here anyway (where the fuck is he?) and you’ll take it off before he comes back.

You fall into the empty bed that’s not really big enough and yet it feels like it stretches on forever without someone else there to hog the blankets and tangle your feet with his. Your own gun stowed under the lump of a pillow and the taste of failure in the back of your throat more bitter than the booze, you close your eyes and drift off in a sea of regret that a monster walked free and innocents suffered, all because of you.

Your fault.

All your fault.

********

“Bonjour. Or should I say bonsoir, Mademoiselle.”

You’re awake at once, reaching for the gun under the pillow and closing your fingers around it just as the voice registers through your bitch of a hangover.

Dave.

Sitting up is made an Olympic sport both by your not full healed ribs and whoever’s playing the drums behind your eyes like a headliner at a death metal festival. Someone you manage it and crack open a lid to find your dick of a partner sitting in a chair next to the bed. It’s too small for him but somehow it doesn’t look awkward, he sits easily, comfortably, as far as you know he could have been there for hours. As you blink stupidly at him he leans forward and taps a fingertip against your lips.

“Open up, sweetheart.”

Taken completely off guard and too hungover to argue, you do as he asks without thinking. He pops two white pills on your tongue and hands you a glass of water.

“Drink,” he instructs, like he’s talking to a child. You resist the urge to scowl like one and swallow the pills down, chasing them with the water.

One secret about the CIA is that it has access to some really good drugs. Those weren’t aspirin, and it doesn’t take long for your headache to go away and the twinge in your ribs to fade so you can feel human again. Two things then happen at once, you remember why you were hungover in the first place and that you’re still wearing Dave’s T-shirt.

Three things, you clock what he just said. Bonsoir.

Not good morning. Good evening.

“What time is it?” you ask.

“Almost 1800 hours, Sleeping Beauty.”

Fuck. You slept almost the whole fucking day. You have a vague memory of stumbling to the bathroom again at some point and then falling back into bed afterwards, still alone with no sign of Dave anywhere. It’s probably not surprising that you crashed so hard, you’ve been running on nothing but coffee and sheer rage since Düsseldorf, but it feels wrong to have been sleeping when you should have been doing something, anything, to get justice for all of those girls.

Dave is watching you carefully and while his words were sarcastic, his tone wasn’t. He knows what you went through to bring Morozov in. He was right there the whole time, pouring over intel and CCTV footage with you, staking out meeting sites and infiltrating the underground clubs and back rooms where business was conducted by men who would have killed the both of you and not thought twice about it if there was the slightest hint of your cover being blown.

“They let him walk,” you say, more to yourself than him. “He fucking smiled at me, and he walked.”

Dave tosses a phone onto the faded comforter that offered no comfort the night before, without him in the bed beside you. “You have a message,” is all he says.

It’s not the burner phone you’ve been using for the mission, it’s your real phone. You pick it up and when you check the lock screen it shows a text notification. Your heart stops when you see it’s from Irina’s mother. You gave her your number, your real number, when you swore to get justice for her daughter, not the burner one that would be discarded and forgotten as soon as the job was over.

The flash of guilt that you failed them both is a gut-punch on an empty stomach that makes bile rise in your throat, acrid and sour, and then you see what she wrote.

Thank You!!!!

You look up from the message in sheer confusion and meet Dave’s eyes. He’s still watching you with what would look like nothing but cool detachment to anyone else, but you can see the laser focus of a sniper behind that dark gaze.

“Check out the BBC’s homepage,” is all he says.

That answers nothing until you go online and see the top story staring up at you from the screen.

SUSPECTED ARMS DEALER ARRESTED AT ST PANCRAS, accompanied by that same photo that’s clipped to the dossier you read over and over again every night like a fucked up bedtime story. A quick skim of the article reveals the important facts, Andrei “the Crow” Morozov, wanted by Interpol and half a dozen countries for a variety of crimes, had been found on the Eurostar when it arrived at St Pancras station in London from Paris a few hours prior, thanks to an anonymous tip received by the Metropolitan Police. He’d been discovered barely conscious and handcuffed to the pipes in a toilet that had been marked out of order. Morozov had been taken to an undisclosed hospital, where he was currently being treated for multiple broken ribs and other injuries while under reported guard by MI6. A list of his alleged offenses followed, including the trafficking of vulnerable women and girls from Eastern Europe into the sex trade.

You look up from the screen. “Multiple broken ribs?”

Dave’s face is perfectly calm, placid, his expression betraying no remorse for what he did. It was him, you know it in a heartbeat just as you know that he can put a bullet between someone’s eyes from a quarter mile away and what he looks like when he comes undone inside you.

“At least fifteen. Maybe more, it’s hard to be sure after the first dozen. One for Irina. One for Anna. One for Olga. One for all the other girls. The rest for you.”

Morozov had cracked two of your ribs, Dave had broken most of his in return and turned him over to MI6.

“They won’t let him walk too, will they?” you ask, fingers tightening around the phone. If the bastard walks again….

He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. There’s not a speck of blood on his clothes, he could have just come back from a day playing well-heeled tourist at the Louvre instead of stuffing an internationally wanted criminal into a train car bathroom after breaking over a dozen of his ribs. Hiis expression is as serene and unaffected as the Mona Lisa’s, keeping his own secrets from everyone except you.

“Unlikely. Even if they wanted to his arrest was public thanks to the cops sending out a press release, it would make them look bad to just let him go. It also makes him completely worthless now as an asset, since if he did walk everyone would suspect he worked a deal to get out of the charges.”

Dave York is very, very good at what he does.

“And if they do,” he continues, unconcerned by the prospect, “well, he won’t get far.”

You know it’s true, because you know him.

“Everyone must be pissed,” you say, imagining the utter chaos that must be going on in the upper ranks. To catch and lose Morozov in the same day, publicly, no less, and to have him end up in custody of MI6. Publicly the CIA and MI6 were allies…privately they each had their own agendas that didn’t always align.

Dave’s facade cracks at last and reveals his amusement. “Oh, they are, baby. I was there when the call came in from London. The station chief was already on thin ice, he’s going to get demoted for this and sent to a far less desirable posting where he won’t be served fresh croissants for breakfast every morning. Thought he was going to have an aneurysm when he was on the phone to D.C, serves him right too, the fucking prick. Everyone else is scrambling to avoid the fallout.”

You cross your arms over the soft cotton of Dave’s T-shirt, annoyed that you forgot (didn’t want to) take it off. “Don’t call me baby. Do they have any suspects?”

Translation: Do they suspect you?

He shrugs again, still completely unconcerned. “Sure. Do they have the right suspect? No, and they won’t. Now as good as you look in nothing but my shirt, go make yourself pretty. We're going out for dinner, I worked up an appetite today and I’m not eating alone.”

Go make yourself pretty? He’s such an ass. You ignore the burn in your cheeks at his casual acknowledgement that the only thing you’re currently wearing is his T-shirt and throw a pillow at his head with deadly accuracy.

“Clock’s ticking, partner,” he says, catching it easily in one hand.

Well…you could go for some actual food to eat after the liquid dinner you had the night before. That’s what you tell yourself, anyway. You’re a CIA agent, you’re an excellent liar. Especially to yourself.

You don’t visit the Eiffel Tower or hold hands on a famous bridge or do anything soppy and romantic. You’re not dating. You’re two CIA agents who caught a very bad man, have barely eaten in the past week, and who fight like mortal enemies and fuck like rabbits. Sometimes both at the same time.

Dallas. The conference where you were chasing down members of a suspected South American terrorist group. You had a screaming argument while you were riding him, his large hands tight on your hips guiding you up and down even as he said you wouldn’t recognize good intel if it slapped you in the face and you called him a self-important jackass who thought he was God’s gift to intelligence and he could take his intel and shove it. You only stopped yelling at him when you came.

Three times.

Dave leads you to a nondescript restaurant off the tourist path, tucked away down a narrow street. The service is French, otherwise known as indifferent, the food is excellent, and while you’d sooner stab yourself with one of the steak knives than admit you made yourself pretty for him, the dress you pulled from your cover identity’s wardrobe is pretty by any objective definition of the word. It may not be a date, but it is dinner in Paris and you’re supposed to blend in while on assignment. It’s not for him.

Another lie you tell yourself.

Dave likes the dress, you can tell. He pulls your chair back like the gentleman he most definitely isn’t and his hands brush over your bare shoulders when you sit down, lingering for a moment against your skin. When the waiter finally deigns to appear Dave orders the braised short ribs without bothering to look at the menu, saying with a wink across the table that he’s got a craving.

You order them too, because fuck men who hurt women and enjoy it.

They’re fucking delicious.

You don’t feed each other dessert or stroll along the Seine afterwards looking at the lights. You do duck into an alley, because Paris is for lovers and for two CIA agents who got paired up unwillingly and drove each other crazy fighting before falling into bed and doing the exact same thing while fucking instead. Dave doesn’t kiss you when he presses you against an ancient wall that’s probably seen its fair share of forbidden trysts over the centuries, instead he sucks a mark into your neck that’ll bruise like your ribs from pleasure instead of pain, one hand shoved under your pretty dress and the heat from his body keeping you warm in a cold, unforgiving world.

“Here, baby?” he asks in a voice that echoes right between your legs, nuzzling and nipping at your skin with one hand at his belt ready to unbuckle and unzip. You’ve fucked him in alleys before, buzzing with adrenaline from a mission and riding high on success while riding each other hard. But not tonight, as easy as it would be to wrap your legs around his narrow waist and muffle your cries in his shoulder while he fucks you against the wall.

“No, not here.”

Not the safe house either, with its shitty mismatched furniture and the ghosts of CIA agents past lurking in the shadows. You find a hotel instead on a cobblestone street, the kind of thing tourists would book for its classic Parisian charm without considering the lack of an elevator. You don’t have any suitcases to lug up the stairs to your room, where Dave presses you against the door as soon as it’s closed, caging you in with both arms. You feel anything but trapped.

“You should have told me,” you say, hands flat on his chest and looking into those dark eyes. You should have told me those girls didn’t matter, you should have told me they were going to stab me in the back and make a deal with the devil, you should have told me!

“You should have known,” he retorts. You should have known they didn’t, you should have seen the knife before it struck, you should have known.

You’ve seen Dave flatter, flirt, and charm to get what he wants, but with you he doesn’t placate or sugarcoat his words. He’s also right, which you hate, you should have known and you would have if you hadn’t let it get personal.

“But,” he continues, head tipping down with a sigh, “yeah, I should have.”

“Me too.”

His admission deserves yours. You’re still going to be salty about it for a while though. Maybe until your ribs fully heal. The bruise is a sickly yellow now, the edges starting to blend back in with the surrounding skin. It’ll disappear eventually but you’ll always remember where it was, a souvenir of your trip instead of a fridge magnet or a keychain. Dave will remember too, he’ll remember examining it in another hotel room when it was the purple of overripe fruit, before winding an ace bandage around your middle with his mouth set in a thin line. His fury had been silent, as quiet as the moment of calm before the storm, while his hands were careful, gentle even, for a man who could and did kill with them his touch had been delicate and feather-light.

Yours hadn’t been, when you jerked him off afterwards with rough strokes that made his silence turn to deep groans as his hips rolled with the movement of your hand. It wasn’t quid pro quo, you just needed to do something to deal with the frustration and that always ended with doing him. He couldn’t reciprocate, not then, not for a while, couldn’t make you come with his fingers or mouth or cock, not when it hurt just to breathe, let alone have an orgasm. Or three.

Now though, he strips the pretty dress from your body with far too much efficiency for a government employee and grazes fingers across the still-marred skin. Somewhere in London there’s a man lying in a hospital bed with his whole torso turned black and blue because he did this to you. You know the only reason Morozov isn’t dead at the bottom of the Seine is because you wanted him to rot in a cell for the rest of his life instead. Dave would have killed him otherwise. Fifteen broken ribs was him showing restraint.

You lift his hand to your mouth and suck on his finger, wrapping your lips around it. The backs of his knuckles are faintly bruised, a match to yours. He’s still fully dressed in charcoal trousers and an army green sweater. The man wears clothes beautifully, something you used to find irritating. He looks even better naked, something you also used to find irritating.

Dave replaces his finger with his lips, reaching down and hoisting your legs around his waist to carry you to bed like he carried you in Düsseldorf after Morozov caught you in the side with a tire iron. You fall back to the mattress and he stops kissing you only long enough to yank the sweater and T-shirt underneath over his head before he’s on you again, nipping the underside of your jaw while his hands roam the length of your body and push your thighs apart. You’ve been wet and ready since the alley, since dinner, since you made yourself pretty (for him) and his fingers find no resistance between your thighs despite how long and thick they are. Just the slightest touch has you trembling, clutching at his arms and legs widening in silent invitation.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, quickly shoving his pants and underwear both down with his other hand so that he’s wonderfully, gloriously naked. “What do you want? What do you need, baby? My fingers? My mouth? This?”

He’s got his cock in his fist, rubbing it up and down your slick heat without letting it slip inside. It’s difficult to breathe, but not because of your rib this time.

“Yes,” you moan, lifting your hips to try to line him up with where you need him. It doesn’t work, the bastard keeps himself just out of reach.

“Hmm,” he chides, breath hot against your skin as he trails his lips down your neck and across the tops of your breasts. “Even I’m not capable of using all of them at once on your lovely pink cunt. You have to choose. Tell me what you need and I’ll give it to you.”

You want his smart mouth to eat you out, and not just because he’ll finally stop talking. You want his long fingers pumping deep. You need his thick cock to fill you, to fuck you, to find every last sweet spot the way only he can and absolutely ruin you.

“Dave?”

He looks up and meets your gaze. “Yes, baby?”

“Fuck me with that big dick you’re so fucking proud of until I can’t fucking walk, and then do it again.”

He smiles, showing his teeth. It’s the smile of a man who just got handed exactly what he wanted on a silver platter and you’re too needy and desperate to care. He leans down and presses a kiss to the tip of your nose, a sweet gesture from a man who’s capable of such shocking violence. But then again, so are you.

“There now, was that so difficult? All you ever have to do is ask.”

It’s getting less and less difficult, with Dave. He’ll give you what you want, what you need, you know he will.

His hips thrust and his aim is as accurate as it is with his sniper rifle, precise and true. He buries himself inside of you and adjusts his trajectory as he goes to follow the arch of your back and the tilt of your hips as you take him all the way in a hot slide that pushes the air from your lungs as he fills you with him instead. Your nails dig into his shoulders to carve your name into his skin in cuneiforms of lines and half-moons, an encryption only the two of you can decipher. He rests his forehead on yours, weight braced on his arms, breathing more heavily than he ever would while sighting a target, giving you both a moment to adjust before he does what you asks and fucks you. It’s hard, it’s fast, it makes your toes curl into the hotel sheets and your pulse race under his mouth when he presses it to your neck and whispers hot against your skin.

“That’s it, baby, taking me so well. So fucking deep. How? How is it always this fucking good, drives me fucking crazy.”

You wrap your legs tight around his waist, tug on his hair, run your nails down his back and scrape your teeth against his jaw like you’re lighting a match. All the things that you know drive him fucking crazy. He lifts you with an arm under your lower back like you weigh nothing, changing the angle to that one that’s like gasoline on a flame and pulling a high-pitched cry from your throat that he echoes with his own deep groan. You hate that he’s the only one who’s ever done this, fucked you like it would be a war crime to stop. His hips move in a rapid-fire tempo, unrelenting, cock a piston, impossibly thick and hard as it drives into you again and again and again. You can’t stop any of the noises that escape you, the cries, the moans, the desperate pleas, the yes, yes, more, please, more and your only consolation is that neither can he with his grunts and growls and fuck, yes baby, yes, take it, fuck!

Dave yanks you against him with those large hands, holding you flush to his hips, and grinds instead of thrusts. The effect is immediate, your thighs tremble, your stomach tightens, your nerves sing as he hits every sweet spot inside you at once and lights them all up like Times Square. You clutch at him helplessly, jaw dropping with a silent scream that he hears nonetheless.

“Let go, baby, let go.”

It’s not an order, it’s a plea from a man who wouldn’t beg for mercy under torture and it breaks you instead. You let it all go and fall over the edge, keeping him locked tight inside and bringing him with you.

You’re partners, after all.

He groans, giving a final, dirty grind of his hips. A lock of dark hair falls on his forehead and his broad chest is covered with a faint sheen of sweat as he shudders through his own climax until he finally collapses down

Dave groans, giving a final, dirty grind of his hips, a lock of dark hair falling on his forehead and a faint sheen of sweat on his broad chest as he shudders through his climax and collapses down into your arms. You run fingers through his damp hair, his weight pinning you to the mattress and holding you fast. You’re not going anywhere, not this time.

Afterwards he lays next to you with his long limbs stretched out on the bed, naked, skin marked in places from his time in the service. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. At what cost though?

“I can hear you thinking, baby.”

You flick him on the shoulder. “Don’t call me baby,” you say, but there’s no bite to the words. He never does in front of other agents or contacts. A cocky young field agent called you “sweetheart” once in a briefing and lived to regret it. Dave had watched you sharpen your tongue on the man and run him right through with it as you tore his piss-poor interpretation of the data to shreds. Then he told the analyst to get you a coffee and to take notes silently for the rest of the briefing.

That night in bed with him you were sweetheart and baby and darling and sugar, each ridiculous endearment teased into your skin and whispered in your ear, until you finally shut him up with your mouth and ignored the point he was making. No one else gets to call you those things, only him.

In another bed you stare up at the plaster ceiling with its graceful antique fixture and feel his eyes on you. I can hear you thinking. Even the sex wasn’t enough to quiet the thoughts in your head tonight.

“How do you-“ you start, and stop, not sure if you really want to go down this particular road. Dave waits with a sniper’s patience, going even more silent and still beside you. “How do you make it not be…personal?” you ask the one man who won’t lie to you.

Irina. Anna. Olga. You would have shot Morozov through the heart despite the orders to take him alive if you’d known they were going to let him walk, and ruined your career in the process.

“Who says I do?”

Dave puts his fingers under your chin, turns you to face him and brushes a thumb over your lips. His eyes are dark and hooded, the eyes of a trained killer, a man more dangerous than any two-bit arms dealer and the one you let into your bed. He looks at you and sees what other men would miss, that even though you’re naked and flushed you’re still so, so angry.

“If you take nothing else from me ever again, take this piece of advice. Don’t work for the CIA.”

“Kinda late for that,” you interrupt with a roll of your eyes.

His thumb presses back against your lips. “Hush now and listen. Don’t work for them, make them work for you. The intel, the equipment, the slush funds, take it all and use it. Put men like Morozov in prison when they won’t. Because you’re not the kind of agent who won’t let it become personal.”

From anyone else you would have taken it as an insult, the first rule of intelligence work is compartmentalization. It can’t be personal. It’s just supposed to be names on a list and numbers on a page. Let bad men walk to catch worse ones. Collateral damage is a given, whether it’s a few cracked ribs or some broken girls.

“That sounds…” a number of different things go through your mind, starting with the fact that it sounds very much like treason, but you settle on one word, “…dangerous.”

Dave drags his thumb along your jaw. “The best things in life always are. Now, I believe you told me to fuck you with this big dick I’m so fucking proud of until you couldn’t walk, and then to do it again. And you know I always follow orders.”

You know he doesn’t, Dave York gets results like no other agent, but that’s not the same thing as following orders. He only follows the ones he wants to.

He rolls easily on top of you, making space for himself between your thighs. He’s making space for himself in others places too, something you wouldn’t acknowledge under torture. This is all you’ll allow yourself, to run your hands down his broad back to where it narrows at the waist, muscles rippling and flexing under your touch while the rapidly hardening line of his erection is hot against the crease where your thigh turns to hip.

“Is this what you want?” he asks, voice low and rough. One hand goes under your knee, pushes it back, opening you up. You’re still aching, still needing more, as wet as he is hard, and while his fingers can drive you crazy and his smart mouth never looks better than when it’s fitted snugly between your legs, what you want, what you need, is for him to break you into the mattress again until you shatter completely.

“Baby-“

You pull his head down to kiss him silent, kiss him deeply, kiss the man who’s gone to hell and back with you and would do it all again tomorrow. He pushes inside with a grunt, not making you beg any more than you’ve already done. This time he sinks down into you, warm and thick like honey, chest against your breasts, face buried in your neck, and fucks you with steady rolls golf his hips that you feel all the way down to your toes. It’s slower this time, less frantic, a more gradual build under your skin. Dave’s pace never falters, you feel that he would do this all night long if you asked. A hotel bed in Paris, an alley in Boston, in the back of a car, in a field, Dallas, Monte Carlo, Düsseldorf, Jakarta, you’ve fucked and fought your way around the world with Dave. You’re not dating, you don’t go to the movies on Saturday nights or argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes, there’s just this. Mission completed, Morozov file closed, new assignment in the morning.

What happens in the hours between stays there. It has to. You’re already compromised enough.

Dave groans, his hand finding yours and lacing your fingers together against the mattress. You keep your legs locked around him, thighs wrapped tight over his hips. Everything else fades away, there’s nothing except him on top of you, inside you, doing what you asked and fucking you until you tighten around him and cry out, shuddering through another orgasm. He doesn’t stop, the bastard just keeps going with a quick kiss to your temple as he fucks you through it and starts working you up again.

“One more,” he pants, shifting his hips. “Need you to come on my big dick one more time for me.”

You let out a huff of a laugh that turns into a bitten-off moan as he finds that blissful angle again, because his big dick is doing a hell of a job getting you there. The thick drag of it is more delicious than any fancy French dessert, sparking across over-sensitive nerves and hitting that spot buried deep in you on each stroke. You gasp and clutch at sweat-slicked skin, Dave fucks you and fucks you and fucks you, until you can’t take it anymore and fall apart in his arms. Even then he doesn’t give in immediately, drawing it out like the final note as he plays you as expertly as a concert pianist. That part of you that secretly wonders if he’s just been playing you the whole time is silent, drowned out by the hot rush as he floods you with warmth while you’re still quivering, pulsing hot to the same rhythm until you’re both fully spent.

After a few long, blissful moments where neither of you move or speak, Dave stirs first.

“Can you walk?” he asks. It’s not a rhetorical question. Fuck me with that big dick you’re so fucking proud of until I can’t fucking walk, and then do it again.

You’re tempted to lie, you’re so tempted because the absolute last thing Dave York needs is an ego boost. You’ll give him this, though, he earned it tonight.

“No,” you mumble, and wait for the inevitable smug, smart-ass remark. It doesn’t come, there’s only a quiet hum from him as you stroke fingers over his damp hair. His large hand splays over your ribs, covering what’s left of the bruising. It could have been worse, you could have run into that building and not come back out again. You got off easy with two cracked ribs, relatively speaking.

This job, this life, is dangerous. It wasn’t the first close call and it won’t be the last. You know it. Dave knows it.

Sleep is a luxury now, alongside regular meals, relationships that aren’t built on half-truths and lies, and downtime. It steals up on you, eyes closing against the anonymous room that you’ll never see again after this night, in a city that’s just another name on a map. There’s a faint rustle of sheets, and a warm body that settles next to you with a brush of lips to your cheek.

Whatever comes next, Dave York will be by your side.

Your partner.

(yours)

[moonyasnow]

TWST OC Showcase: Tomoe Sakurada

Housewarden of Ramshackle; the Dorm based on the Lonely Ghosts' Spirit of Adaptability

(Vice Housewarden: Irina Barret)

Human Right-handed Japan - Ramshackle Dorm 159cm / 5'2 - #000000 / 0, 0, 0 January 1st - Capricorn - 19 y.o. 1st year - Freshman - Class A, no.9 No Club Best Subject: History of Magic Hobbies: History Pet peeves: Irresponsible People Favorite food: Unadon Least favorite food: Raw fish Talent: Storytelling Floyd-given name: Emperor Penguin Rook-given name: Mademoiselle Trickster Cater-given name: Tom-Tom

Link to all my OC Showcases here!

Some quotes:

「しゃ…しゃべる猫...！？」

She flushes with embarrassment. "Pardon me, I tend to get carried away when talking about history…"

She puts her face in her hands and sighs heavily, bordering on despairingly. "They are my friends, but…how could they be this stupid?!" — "Grim not having the foresight and being too cocky to anticipate this I could see coming. But the other two…!" She puts her face in her hands again and muffles a faint scream. "Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in our quartet who does not occasionally just turn my brain off!" She slowly removes her hands and turns her face up to the ceiling, taking several long, deep breaths. "Now…let's try to find a way to fix this. Luckily, I know how men like that 高利貸し operate."

One day at Tokyo international airport, a newly hired businessman named Takahiro Sakurada, returning from his first work overseas, made eye-contact with a very pretty stewardess he remembered from his flight, Hanae…and then proceeded to miss the step-off of his escalator, while trying to steady himself somehow ending up doing some type of a flip before ending up on his back, legs up in the air against a wall, blowing his tie out of his eyes. Upon seeing this, Hanae began laughing uncontrollably nearby. Because of their jobs, they ended up meeting each other like that at airports quite often, and Takahiro eventually asked Hanae out on a date, and the rest is history. Eventually they married and had Tomoe, three years later followed by her younger sister Sachie and three years after that, younger brother Kouta. They ended up deciding on an arrangement where Takahiro would work as normal, just taking less international flights if possible, and Hanae would be a stay-at-home mother with the kids during the school months, and then take up her air stewardess job again during summer vacation, upon which the kids would stay with their paternal grandparents in a small, rural country-side farming village in the mountains. And when they were home with their parents like usual, they lived in a still quite small village right by the sea, and Tomoe, Sachie and Kouta would walk for 20 minutes to get to the train station, and then take a 30-minute train ride to the city where they went to school, then walk for 10 more minutes to reach the school from the train station.

Tomoe had always been a momma's girl, and looked up to her mother a lot. In Tomoe's opinion— and also in the opinion of her father— her mother was the most beautiful woman she'd ever seen. She was also incredibly kind, a hard worker, dependable, patient, accepting and an exceptionally loving mother. She's always wanted to be like her mother. Some of her favorite time with her mother was when they would cook together, . She also has many fond memories of times when Tomoe had forgotten to make lunch, only for her mother to hand her a bento as she was about to rush out the door, or kiss her hands if she got a paper-cut to 'kiss the boo-boo away'. She still did those things even after Tomoe had become an adult, saying she would always be her little girl. It usually made her a little bit bashful the older she got, but she liked it, still being spoiled a bit and treated like a kid by her mom even though she was supposed to be a responsible adult by that point. Her father had always been a little bit eccentric, a bit of a goofball with a love for stereotypical dad jokes, rhymes and wordplay that the whole family always said, but he never quite admitted, was very bad. He's a little bit clumsy, a little bit incomptetent, with a very big heart. As well as a bit of a scatterbrain who can get very worked up about small things, with a tendency to overdramatize, which paired well with her mother's more level head and calm, objective approach to life. Some of Tomoe's fondest memories of him are of him making up very strange reasons to try to scare them into doing things like brushing their teeth or always holding a parent's hand while crossing the road. Once he made up a story that if they're not pulled out, baby teeth eventually have baby teeth of their own, so if Tomoe and her siblings didn't get rid of them their mouths would be covered in tiny itty-bitty teeth. He was however very good at numbers, finance, and money in general, and to try to teach his kids to also be better about it he'd do things like make them sign contracts to go take out the trash in return for ice-cream, and sometimes he'd hide some strange things in the terms and conditions, and when they'd signed it he'd show them the thing he added and tell them that since he's their dad he'll be nice and let them off the hook, but to always be careful and think before signing something, especially if it appears too good to be true. And ALWAYS. READ. C O N T R A C T S.

Tomoe absolutely loves her family, and she and her siblings have always been really close. Her sister Sachie had always been the human firework of the family. She had endless energy and the attention span of a puppy, and their grandfather sometimes joked about not having a remote to turn down her volume. When she found something new she thought was exciting, she devoted her entire life, every single moment to it, lived and breathed it…fooor about a month. After which she found something new and started the process all over again. She had a lot of friends and loved talking to people. And in stark contrast, Kouta had always been the quiet one who preferred spending time to himself. He got tired by social interaction, was the first of the children to ask for his own room, had generally always liked being alone and was quite shy. He didn't speak a lot and had a face that stayed mostly stoic. though he spoke so little, the things he did say were always heard by the rest of the family, and they made sure to always include him, but also give him a choice of whether or not he wanted to join them, and let him know he could change his mind at any time. At family gatherings he usually preferred to sit in a corner listening to something or other on his headphones. He loved their grandmother most of all and usually always clung to her when he was little. He had always loved soccer, and could usually be found practicing by himself. He was part of a nearby soccer team, and whenever his team won a match he'd always blush and smile bashfully. For each child's birthday, they had a tradition of renting a hotel room in Tokyo for a day or two to go shopping, go to a theme park, watch movies or eat sweets and junk food. Since Tomoe's birthday coincides with the New Year— Shōgatsu— during her birthday trip she always chose to go to the biggest Shōgatsu celebration in Tokyo. She loved dressing up in a pretty kimono, eating hanami dango, candied apples and taiyaki, visiting a temple, and having fun with the people she loves. Watching the fireworks, it always felt like they were specifically for her, for her birthday. They'd arrive at around 23:30 on the last day of December, then celebrating the new year, watching the year's first sunrise together, then going to a temple to ring out the old year, then all eat pancakes for breakfast, still wearing their New Year's kimonos with fur lining.

If anyone in the family ever fought with each other, it was usually Tomoe and Sachie, what with how opposite their personalities are. Tomoe had always valued following the rules, being polite, neat and tidy, and being meticulous. And Sachie always just raced off at top speed towards anything she liked and spoke to everyone casually, not caring for rules much and being bad at cleaning up after herself. When it was just Tomoe, Sachie and Kouta, Tomoe was left in charge, and once while they were together at a summer Fireworks festival, Tomoe literally had to tie a ribbon between her and Sachie's wrists to make sure Sachie didn't run away. She got pretty upset about that and was mad at Tomoe almost the entire time, asking why Kouta didn't also have a ribbon on his wrist, and Tomoe replied 'because Kouta is well-behaved'. They fought sometimes, but they never formally made up, since they as siblings knew each other well enough to realize that fighting sometimes was just how things went between them. Well, they only formally made up if the argument they'd gotten in had been bad enough, at the behest of their parents or grandparents. And they always knew the other loved them.

She'd always loved hearing stories about things that happened long, long ago. As a child, she'd often beg her grandfather to tell her stories about when his father and mother both worked as doctors in World War II, and loved listening to her grandmother describe what things were like when she was little. She thought all the old people in her town were so cool because of all the things they knew and how much stuff they'd done over the years, and how much they'd seen which she hadn't. Which is why as soon as she started going to school and learning history, she absolutely fell in love with the entire subject. It boggled her tiny mind that there was so much she didn't know that people had done before she was even born. So many people's stories, all weaving together to form a tapestry of the world. Her history teacher, a half-Japanese, half Mexican man named Mr. Cabello— a large burly man with a full beard— was her favorite teacher, and the clear passion he had for his subject as well as his sense of humor always made her even more interested to keep learning more about history. He was her inspiration for wanting to be a history teacher in the first place.

She was part of a group of a total of four friends, with three other people besides her. When she was 6, on the first day she started school, two girls came up to her to introduce themselves, since they noticed she was alone at recess. Well, more like one of them charged over to her and the other trailed along behind the other one. The one who approached her first was very friendly and held out her hand to introduce herself as Tooru Yamato, and the other as Kaede Okazaki. Kaede and Tooru had known each other their entire lives, since they lived right next to each other, and their families had become friends before they were born. So they were practically raised together, and always went to the same school, ever since the first day of kindergarten. The three of them became friends, with Tooru acting somewhat as the leader, with her very open, unashamed and straightforward personality. But she could become a bit too fired up and eccentric at times, which is when Kaede would pull her away before she embarrassed herself too much. She also had very big plans, but wasn't always very responsible, which Tomoe told her wouldn't do if she really wanted to 'become an astronaut' like she'd always talked about. Kaede was the youngest, born on December 30th at the end of the year, technically 363 days after Tomoe, and was always very laid back and casual about everything, often bringing up funny ideas that she knew Tooru would think sounded awesome and wanna do right that instant, just because she thought seeing Tooru excited was nice. And also kinda funny due to the extreme lengths she'd sometimes go to in order to do those things, all of which Kaede had prevented from becoming even more extreme. And Tomoe was often the ones who scolded them when both of them got a bit too wrapped up in their fun. She was often the voice of reason, but, to her resigned acceptance, 'the baby of the group. All due to her being the shortest and having been really shy as a child when they'd first met, which she'd long since outgrown. But she didn't mind it too much. She just knew it meant they cared a lot about her. Then when they were 12, their school got a transfer student from Tokyo. So they met the final member of their group: Miki Uehara. They started hanging out when one day, Tooru charged over and in her usual loud tone of voice asked Miki an endless barrage of questions, introducing both herself as well as Kaede and Tomoe. Kaede had to rein her in again, and Tomoe apologized for her rudeness. After school that day, since Tomoe was going home with Kaede and Tooru to hang out, they asked if Miki wanted to come with, and Tomoe said they could show her around the city, since she'd only just arrived a day or two ago, and she accepted, acting like she didn't have anything to do anyway. But Tomoe noticed she seemed a bit excited. Miki was a bit of an ice queen with a prickly attitude who always seemed to be looking down on everyone else. She was the type who acted like most things were stupid, but did secretly care. She was very into fashion, following many really expensive fashion magazines religiously, and also loved taking glamour shots of herself, which Tooru and Kaede loved photobombing. Miki acted annoyed, but kept each and every single one. They all made a promise that when in the future they had families of their own— because Tomoe wanted to be a mother and might consider adopting a child on her own if she didn't marry anyone, and Tooru said she was going to adopt at least 5 pets— they would all remain close and let their children play together.

Years passed, and eventually, the time drew closer to the end of High School and her and her friends' graduation. They had all applied to schools they wanted to attend after graduation, and they would receive replies sometime during the break. Tomoe was looking forward to graduating, although it would also feel a bit sad. Their lives would all change forever, and they'd become adults. The end of school was a bittersweet feeling, but they were all looking forward to what the future would bring, and to keep sharing their lives with each other even though they went on separate tracks. Tooru said she was going to be an astronaut, with studying business marketing as a second choice and starting her own marketing company. Miki was going to try to get into a school focused on fashion design and marketing. Kaede was going to take a year off to think about what she wanted to do. And Tomoe— of course— was going to continue her studies of history and anthropology and get a teaching degree. And they all promised to stay in touch, to call and text every day and update each other on what was happening in their lives. And, like they always had, they'd go to summer firework festivals together.

Some miscellaneous info about her:

She's very responsible, and as an oldest sibling, used to being in charge of people less emotionally mature than her. This often makes it so that when she's around someone younger than her, or someone who ACTS younger, she has a tendency to slip into 'mom' mode.

She's VERY smart, though she doesn't often display it openly, as she leans quite heavily into the Japanese societal rules of politeness and humility. But she does have a lot of pride for the fact she always got the best grades in her entire school back at home. She was always at the top of the school rankings grade-wise, and was often asked for help tutoring. She's a very quick thinker in general, and has really good skills of observation and deduction, while not being too proud to have her mind changed and being flexible enough to change her approach quickly when presented with new information. She's also quite the strategist— Zhuge Liang of 'Romance of the Three Kingdoms' fame is one of her biggest idols— and nowadays she's gotten used to no one really being able to beat her at Shogi.

But she's not always the best at working in groups. She's very aware of her own strengths, limits and capablities, and is very careful, being good at changing up her plan last-minute if it calls for it, and often knowing just what to do to make it so. But when something out of her control goes wrong in her plan- which it basically never does since she's so good at quickly changing course- she's not great at dealing with it. So she often prefers doing all the work on her own, even in group projects, because, while it might sound egotistical, she's aware she's often more competent than the people she's grouped with, and knows she could do it all herself. So therefore, needing to leave it to other people whose competency she doesn't always trust is difficult for her. She at least prefers to instruct them on how to do it.

She's always been a person with a love for humanity and for the earth, a positive person who can see the good in everything. And the people around her have always said that seeing her smile happily is a captivating sight. She's the kind of person who sometimes calls people she cares about out of the blue just because she started thinking of them and wanted to hear their voice and speak to them for a while, even if there's nothing she really wants to say. She loves the people in her life a lot.

In her free-time, she practices Kyūdō, or Japanese Archery. The art requires a lot of patience and discipline, and to her it's a sort of meditation, as well.

She also follows the rules of politeness, manners and hospitality as much as she can, being very polite to others. When it comes to other people's manners, if anyone around her gets into trouble for being rude, she will be of the opinion that their rudeness definitely lead to it, and insist they apologize. And if someone she feels some level of authority or responsibility over— like Grim, for example— she will definitely tell them off for being rude right away. But otherwise she mostly lets people behave however they like, so long as it doesn't pose a problem to anyone else.

At NRC:

For her and Irina, I'll be doing breakdowns of what they did during and in-between the books. Includes spoilers for: Books 1-7

On a night like any other, just one week before her High School graduation, she went to sleep like normal, prepared to wake up and go to school the next day like she always had. Her head was swirling with hopes for the future, and of looking forward to seeing her friends again like usual. And the next day after school, she would pick up her siblings from school, and then go home to celebrate Kouta's 12th birthday, Tomoe having a gift for him in her closet that she was excited to give him.

But when she woke up, she wasn't in her futon. She was laying on top of something that was hard, but a little bit too soft to really be called hard. It was like a carpeted floor, or a very thin chair-cushion. When she came to consciousness, her body felt stiff and her back hurt. All she could see in front of her was darkness. She tried to open her eyes, but saw the same thing, so closed them again. In the distance she thought she could hear the muffled sound of someone talking...

But for a while, none of it really seemed real; she was too tired to realize how different it was from when she'd fallen asleep the night before, and her mind was still fuzzy enough that she thought it was a dream. But a light source was suddenly introduced into her small, dark world. The lid had been removed from the box she was laying in. Now when she blinked open her eyes, her sight was filled with the bright glow of blue flames, and the knowledge that the somewhat hard, somewhat soft surface she'd been laying on was the interior of a coffin, its walls laced with a plush velvet.

And then cue the whole Grim business. But, when she went with the Headmage into the hall of mirrors, there was already a commotion, due to the fact that people were talking about a 'magicless student'. There was a very nervous-looking girl with long pink hair standing in front of the mirror, looking like a cornered animal, having literally frozen up in fear.

When Tomoe also eventually went up to the mirror, and it declared her, too, as magicless, the room broke out into further uproar, and Crowley had to make the Housewardens hurry to get their students to their respective dorms.

Tomoe and the girl, whose name was revealed to be 'Irina', spoke with each other and to the Headmage about their homelands, it was discovered the two of them knew of each other's homes, meaning they had to at least be from the same world, ruling out the possibility of either one of them lying about it, since it was obvious they'd never met each other before.

As for all the Books, she generally does what canon Yuu does, but I'll state anything that deviates or is of particular interest.

Book 1

When Ace came to Ramshackle and she found out why he'd been collared, the first thing she did was tell him that it's very rude to just eat something from a communal fridge without asking first. But in the end, she at least agreed to help him make a new tart and come with him to apologize.

Book 2

As soon as they encountered Ruggie, she immediately knew he'd done something, like magic of some kind, knowing food was the one thing Grim would never concede, and so was immediately suspicious of him. While she didn't decide to link Ruggie to the case they were investigating immediately, she certainly pinned him as a possible suspect right away.

Book 3

For a few weeks, Grim ended up becoming quite sick. He'd eaten something long past the expiry date, then a bad cold took advantage of his weakened state. He was forced to mostly stay in bed, meaning it was up to Tomoe to do all the school work for once. She was absolutely ecstatic.

Her and Grim's grades suddenly shot up dramatically, going from the lower brackets to the top 50, landing comfortably at place #5. Tomoe was extremely happy, feeling a sense of peace overcome her she hadn't realized she'd been missing. It almost felt like torture to her to be in any way linked to such a bad grade.

That she got such a massive spike up in her grades during the exam period caused a lot of raised eyebrows. Ace and Deuce ended up asking her if she'd 'made a deal with Azul too'. She had no idea what they were talking about— until anemones suddenly sprouted from their heads.

When Crowley himself asked her if she'd made a deal with Azul to make her grades so good, she was incredibly offended. She, an honest student who'd gotten straight As through her entire school career and was proud of it, would never cheat! The only teacher who really believed her was her favorite teacher, Professor Trein. He was the teacher who got to see the most of just how engaged she always was in class because she'd be one of the few who constantly raised her hand to ask questions, and payed a lot of attention in his class, even while everyone else had fallen asleep around her. Confirmation from him that he at least knew she'd never cheat— him even telling her that he knew she was smart and could do great if she was only given the chance— calmed her down enough to ensure that her coming battle against Azul wasn't fueled by her desire to clear her name.

Not to say she wasn't still very frustrated by the situation.

And after it was all over....

She went up to them and flicked each of them once on the forehead. "I am very disappointed in all three of you. If it was so easy for you to gain access to a study guide, how would it not occur to any of you that many others must also be able to easily access it?! Not to even mention how obviously shady Azul is! If you wanted help studying, you should have just asked me, Riddle, Cater or Trey for help. Or anyone, really!" She sighed. "Thanks to assistance from Leona, Ruggie and Jack we were able to break you free from your contracts and get your magic back. But next time— and I dearly hope there will not be a next time— something like this happens, there is no guarantee that we would be able to. So I want all three of you to promise me that nothing like this will ever happen again." Her eyes bore holes into each of them. "Are we clear?" — "I said 'are we clear?'" Tomoe is not typically someone who gets upset— in fact, it takes a lot to make her truly angry— but when speaking in this situation, her tone was stern, bordering on threatening. She posed an intimidating figure, standing with her hands on her hips looking at the three of them lined up before her with her eyes and brows narrowed in frustration, as though she was looking down at them despite Ace and Deuce being quite a bit taller than her. As well as the fact she was speaking in a louder voice than normal, almost booming, going quite a bit lower than her usual tone of voice. — "Good." She sighed gently and her face and tone of voice returned to normal. "From now on, every other Sunday between 10 and 12 we will have a study session at Ramshackle dorm."

Tomoe ended up becoming a frequent thorn in Azul's side, advising students not to make contracts with him and that if they believed the deal seemed fair, he would find a way to tip it in his favor. The two hate each other. But they also have some respect for the other as academic rivals, and just how closely matched they were in terms of intelligence as well as hard work, waging some manner of silent war with each other all throughout the rest of their time at school. Lawful Good vs. Lawful Evil

And seeing her, to him surprising, ruthlessness in getting his help, Leona gained quite a bit of respect for her as a person after it was all over. In fact they both ended up realizing that, despite the obvious difference in her being so hands-on and his hands-off approach, they were remarkably similar. In Leona, for the first time, she found someone who could keep up with her natural quick-thinking. She actually felt her heart flutter a little when their first chess match against each other resulted in a draw.

And after the events at Mostro Lounge, she 'somehow' seemed to find her way to where he was more often. Or perhaps it was him who just 'happened' to be in places she'd pass by. Maybe a bit of both. They both began to introduce each other to more and more strategic board games, Tomoe to Yoté and Dara, Leona to Shogi and Go, and kept finding their win-lose ratio begin to plateau as soon as the other figured out the rules. It didn't take long before many students were betting on who would win the next match. They may not have been there for the actual games themselves, but it was usually easy to tell who won, lost, or if it was a draw based on the two's respective moods.

It felt refreshing to for once be allowed to go all out against someone and not have to bother thinking about being polite all the time. She was still very polite toward everyone else, of course, but he was a special exception. The two teased each other quite often, too. It seemed that both of them could dish it out, but neither could really take it, huffing and pouting and becoming defensive when the other did it. He made her incredibly frustrated at times, which was a very new experience for her, as she'd never had an equal she could really get upset at without it being for good reason before. With him she didn't always need to be responsible and mature or relied upon. She kinda liked it. He could get under her skin in a way no one else had ever managed to; challenged her in a way she'd never realized she craved.

And as for his side of things, she had a lot more patience with him than most people did. She treated him just like she would anyone else. She wasn't afraid to call him out on it when he acted out of turn, and stuck by him even when he did, but otherwise didn't mind his grouchy, callous way of acting, sometimes even teasing him for 'acting like a grumpy cat'. Eventually it became commonplace to see her sitting under a tree while Leona used her lap as a pillow, Tomoe turning the pages of a book laid on the grass with one hand and using the other to play with his hair. And, knowing how much it hurt her that no one in Twisted Wonderland knew anything about Earth history and she thus couldn't talk about it with anyone, he let her basically infodump to him about it whenever she wanted— so long as she kept playing with his hair, of course. He always acted like he was asleep, but really, he listened. And she knew he did. And he probably knew that she knew. But they didn't say anything about it. For once, they didn't need to.

And Leona actually ended up making her more open to being a bit less hands-on, learning to delegate and to trust they were competent enough to handle themselves. And she in turn encouraged him to become more involved in the activities of his Dorm where it was needed, such as cracking down on Savannaclaw students' frequent starting of fights.

She can also tend to overwork herself sometimes, so Leona forcefully pulling her away to take a nap was exactly what she needed. And Leona having been the one at fault also gave her some kind of excuse for why she was 'slacking off'. And when Cheka visited, she was more than happy to take over Leona's responsibility of babysitting him; she'd always loved kids and had a very motherly personality, and the little lion's eyes always lit up when he begged her to tell him another story. ...Though Leona did become a little bit jealous of her spending so much time away from him when Cheka visited, so he often ended up joining in on their activities anyway.

Book 4

She knew what was up basically as soon as she heard Jamil refer to her and Grim as having helped other dorms.

Book 5

She was one of the few who actually liked Vil's diet, always having liked vegetables and healthy food. Not to mention it felt nice to have the whole 'food' situation handled. She was happy that Irina, who insisted on cooking for her and Grim a lot got to take a break from it too, even if she noticed irina seemed to be quite anxious about it. Irina seemed quite anxious in general to suddenly have so many new people living at Ramshackle, and Tomoe thought she seemed to really miss the quiet of the Dorm.

And when Vil ended up finding out just how good Tomoe's grades were, but that Ace, Deuce and Grim's grades were still that bad... He lost a little bit of hope in humanity.

Book 6

She went after Grim. The whole incident made her realize just how important Grim had become to her in such a short time; she felt like a mother who'd lost her child. She was worried for the others too, especially Leona, but she knew they could handle themselves. It also made her realize that...she was probably going to end up staying in Twisted Wonderland. If she went back home, she'd most likely be 'that one mysterious disappearance case who turned up again' for the rest of her life. Not to mention that she'd be the only one who knew what had happened in the months she'd been gone; no one else would ever believe her. And she knew that her friends and family had each other. But Grim only really had her. And she wasn't going to just leave him.

And after the events of this Book... She has nothing against him personally, and knows he didn't exactly have much of a choice in what happened, but she can't help but not like Idia especially much. She just associated him with her friends being injured, her Dorm destroyed and what is bacially her son being kidnapped. She's always been very open-minded and believes in forgiveness if the other person has owned up to and endevoured to change their behavior or weren't even entirely at fault in the first place. And she'd even admit that she thinks they could potentially become friends, as she also likes video games a fair bit. But as of right now, the wound is still too fresh.

Book 7

I have not yet read Book 7, though I've been able to surmise basically what the main plot is.

She is asleep. She dreams of some strange, fanfiction-esque alternate reality: a historical Japanese setting based off the media she'd engaged with of the Muromachi period. Everyone she's met from Twisted Wonderland is there, as is her family and friends from back home, and she's the Samurai/Strategist/closest companion/lover of Leona, who's here the second son to the Emperor and breaks away from the Imperial family and starts a war to win personal status. She knew she couldn't persuade him it was a bad idea, so instead she decided to just do everything she could to make sure their war went smoothly.

But she's always been more interested in the lives of historical people in general, whether they be Priests or Warlords or Commoners or Emperors, than she has in the actual bloody side of warfare. So the dream barely actually shows any of the 'war' parts, seeming to be mostly just in a lull period where preparations are still being made, but the war has already broken out. And when it does show combat, there's way more of an emphasis on the strategy.

And on the topic of me technically having 2 'Yuu's, here is which events Tomoe would go to. If there is a Story Event not on this list, assume Irina went:

Fairy Gala: Operation Steal the Show Wish Upon a Star Camp Vargas Exercise in Survival Twisted Halloween: Spectral Soiree Sam's New Year Sale: 2023 (EN server) Portfest: A Striking Performance Tamashina Mina Twisted Tsumderland 1 Playful land Stitch's Tropical Turbulence

Bonus: Family & Friends

From left to right: Miki, Tooru, Kaede, Tomoe

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

How would canon go if Jacob never tried to murder and subsequently imprinted on Renesmee?

The theory of why Jacob imprinted on Renesmee.

The TL;DR is that Renesmee has a secondary gift that prevents people from wishing her harm. This is why everyone's weirdly cool with her. Including Edward and Jacob who were ah previously not.

Canon would get derailed, actually.

Jacob would leave.

His job protecting Bella is over, she's been turned, he's lost everything now. She has a bouncing, baby, vampire that he detests and Edward has won completely. He can't watch this.

I imagine he leaves in the three day period where Bella's out of it so he doesn't have to sit through trying to argue with her about why he's leaving.

He told her this would happen, she knows, but if he stays she'll just try to fight him about it and get him to stay and be the vampires' butler or some shit.

Without Jacob and his pack, the Cullens have 0 reason to remain in Forks, they need to leave post haste actually as the danger's still very real. They vamoose, likely while Bella's still turning (as she's miraculously silent thanks to the morphine).

The move to the middle of nowhere to prepare for Bella's being a newborn and also figuring out what to do with the sudden baby they have.

Bella wakes up thinking, at first, everything's wonderful as it was in canon but then slowly news trickles in. They left Forks, Bella expected that but she didn't expect it to be this sudden. The Cullens tell her that they told her family she had died of her disease (to make a clean, easy, believable break), which Bella had not expected at all. Jacob has abandoned her, which Bella expected but didn't want to believe.

Bella ends up throwing a fit about her parents, though it's really everything along with that, and in doing so she discovers that her temper wasn't what it was.

Irina never drops by as the Cullens suddenly moved locations on the Denali, so there's no visit as they're keeping things on the DL.

Instead Bella spends the next however long going through an emotional crisis as she's not going to high school with the Cullens, she's suddenly a mother, she's lost Jacob, she's lost her parents which she didn't expect this soon, and for all she wanted to be a vampire she's found that she's different than she was before.

But there's no trial.

[wartsandwarlocks]

Jealousy

This was meant for the lockeroom prompt from @wolfstarmicrofic but I spent so much time on school I literally forgot to finish this. If you’re reading this and thinking about taking IBs DONT!! SAVE YOURSELF!

Quidditch has been a total pain in the dick the past month. Not only has James been a total arse to everyone in the team because of his latest breakup with Lily- the fifth one in fact- but the girls are being completely uncooperative on her behalf. It was all completely doomed from the beginning.

By the time the Sunday match rolled around, the team was a complete mess. The graceful chasers crashed into each other at least thrice, the amazing keeper could not do his only literal job and not twenty minutes had to go by before their score reached triple digits.

To no one’s surprise, Sirus casually “bumped” into the Ravenclaw chaser, right after the 120th point, throwing her off her broom.

A deafening whistle went off.

“Sirius Black!” the ref screeched “out and suspended!”

“Fuck’s sake” Sirius muttered “of course I’m the bad guy”

Angrily, he dropped to the ground and stomped to the lockeroom. Throwing his broom and removing his pads he sat down on the first bench he saw.

“A whole month a whole fucking month” he thought “putting up with James and Marlenes bullshit feud over Lily, who I also had to fucking tolerate!, to end up suspended for lightly touching that mutant asshole.”

Surely, James’s insufferable heartbreak was weighing on the whole team, but Sirius had other things weighing on him. Just last Sunday, the pretty little chaser he threw off her broom has been batting her big brown eyes at Remus. Right. Under. His. Nose.

Remus told him it had been over some homework thing, History of magic, but it was all a big ball of bullshit. Sirius knew perfectly well those two didn’t share any classes, but Remus managed to convince him was truly nothing and Sirius, blindly, decided to trust him, a regrettable decision.

Yesterday it happened again, they were standing beside the potions classroom, her eyelashes batting over and over for Remus, desperately craving his attention. The kind of attention Remus had sworn to only give Sirius. Bull. Shit.

“Pads?” A familiar voice resonated through the lockeroom. “I know you’re in here asshole, I just want to check on you before you got screamed at by everyone else”

“You’re here to scream at me?” He answered as Remus sat down beside him.

“Uh? No? I came to see how you’re doing, suspension and all”

“It’s just a semester, I can deal Remus but thanks.” He answered dryly

“The fuck is wrong with you? Don’t take your anger out at me I barely spoke to you today.” Remus argued

“Oh sure you have no time for your stupid boyfriend but all the time in the world for your bitchy girlfriend” Sirius bitched “I get it now, thanks for painting the clearer picture Moons, appreciated.”

“Girlfriend?” Remus said dumbfounded “what on earth is going on with you Pads? Who’s this girlfriend I know nothing of?”

“Oh you know, brown eyes, eyelashes that bat each time she even thinks of you, blonde, fell off her broom, you know her pretty well actually.” He spat back

“fucks sake, this again? What is it with you and Irina?” Remus asked turning at Sirius.

“What’s with me and Irina? What’s with you and Irina, Remus?” Sirius said turning to finally look at him “What is it that you two like to talk about so much you just can’t wait to talk to her?”

“She’s helping me with something” Remus said shyly

“Like your boners?”

“Like your birthday present you fucking dick.” Remus said getting up “She’s traveling to London next week, I’ve been asking her to buy you that stupid Led Zeppelin album you so desperately want since I can’t seem to get it anywhere else.”

Sirius stared down at his shoes. “Shit” he thought. However, being Sirius Black, he wasn’t just going to quit there.

“Well thanks Remus but I could wait for my birthday present if it meant you not flirting with her.”

“Merlin Sirius you are being unreasonable! We’re not flirting!” His hand practically teleported to his temple.

“Puh-lease Remus don’t pretend you don’t see how she worships the ground you walk, she’s always just lurking around the corner, waiting to be with you!” Sirius said standing up to face Remus. “The worst part is I can’t even blame her! You’re so fucking hot and do not stop giving her the time of day. I too would think I have a chance with the infamous Gryffindor casanova”

“Infamous?”

“You can’t be a nice casanova Moons,” Sirius ran his hands through his sweated hair “It just doesn’t work like that.”

“I’m quite nice to you, aren’t I?” Remus asked.

“Yeah sure, except when you’re flirting with Irina, you’re pretty decent”

“Oh fuck off” Remus chuckled

“and leave you alone in the lockeroom to wait for your girlfriend? No thanks.” Sirius meant it, but it came out as a tease, and he let it slide.

Remus laughed before sitting back down “so, how are you feeling?”

“Better” Sirius joined him, laying his sweaty head over Remus’s shoulder “please stop flirting with her, let her know you’re not interested or something it’s eating me alive” he pleaded. “Fuck i could have killed her with that throw”

“i know” Remus smirked

“Moony you’re smirking it’s weird” Sirius said sitting up.

“The smirking? why?”

“I just said I almost killed her and you’re practically laughing”

“i do think its funny” Remus rested his hand on Sirius’s lap, making him slightly jolt. “She is very annoying and you look incredibly hot all jealous and murdery over some stupid girl” Remus said, his fingers poking Sirius’s face.

“Fuck you” Sirius laughed, moving his face to the left.

“if you insist… i’ll be waiting in the dorm, James will probably kill himself after the team loss and Pete will be busy reviving him so I think we have some time.”

“Moony?”

“Mhm?”

“Next time she bats her eyes i’ll kill her right there and then.”

“Oh I am so looking forward to it.” And with a tender kiss, Sirius was left alone in the lockeroom one again.

[ystrike1]

The Elegant sea of Savagery - By 틸다킴 (8/10)

Manipulative yanderes can be loving, but that love is also suffocating. The couple in this is very compelling, because they both have so many flaws. I can believe the romance. There's real chemistry here, and I also know the male lead is capable of horrible things. Some scenes are a little too silly, but this is good.

Irina Noviac was a spoiled girl with a noble heart. Her family loved her, so they let her get away with crass behavior. She was the school tomboy, but everybody respected her because her father had a high rank. She was not a bad girl. Not at all. She is the type of person that reaches out to lonely people in need, but she was naive. She is still. After her family went bankrupt she refused to give up her pride or her lover, Ludwig. Ludwig is from an extremely poor noble family. Irina can marry to get rid of her families massive debt, but she doesn't want to. She throws herself into a hard life she's not prepared for instead.

Irina has no skills or experience. She was a decent student, but she attended a private academy. The teachers didn't expect her to work hard. They expected her to marry like every other noble lady. Her relationship with Ludwig was an anomaly. He was far below her in status. Her father did not approve, but he loved his daughter too much to ruin her first love. He never threatened to disown her. He just quietly disapproved.

Ludwig is a good guy. He's a really, really loving partner and he wants what is best for Irina. He hates his old house, and he hates himself. He has a sick sister named Carol, so he has to prioritize her over Irina. Irina doesn't mind. Even after her family falls she tries to help him pay for Carol's medical bills. Irina truly loves him. He doesn't doubt that, but he's ashamed. Irina can marry and become a rich noblewoman again at any time, but she won't because of him. The guilt makes him lash out at her. Irina has been doing odd jobs to pay off slivers of her debt. She's not perfect. She's stressed too, so when Ludwig stops smiling it hurts her.

Irina fails. She cannot find a job that will make a dent in her debt. She has a temper. She starts fights with men in bars. Her pride constantly gets her in trouble. One day the worst possible scenario happens. She wakes up inside the ship. If that ship leaves the port she will be a slave forever. The ship doesn't leave. A man wearing a golden badge saves her with a bag of cash. Irina is being watched. Elenoa Schuberg, a count who earned his title with money, has proposed to her three times. He knows she has a lover. She rejected him rudely all three times, but they have a fairly friendly relationship. They were sparring partners back at the academy.

The Count fell madly in love with her after she protected him. He had an empty childhood. His mother was a commoner and his father treated him like an employee. The other noble children made fun of him because he was impure, and weird. He was the quiet kid in the back of the class with no friends. Irina became his friend and his light. Elenoa is ruthless. He was a bastard when Irina met him and he's a bastard now. His men have been following her around for years.

When Irina pisses off a drunk guy his men protect her. They beat and intimidate unscrupulous people who try to take advantage of her. If anybody is hostile to Irina they end up in an alley covered in blood. Irina isn't actually independent. She just thinks she is. She doesn't know she has bodyguards. Ludwig saw through Count Elenoa years ago. He knows the man is a killer, but he has money and a high title. Ludwig just has a crumbling farmhouse and a frugal life. He loves Irina, but without Elenoa's shadowy assistance his beloved would already be dead.

After yet another rejection Irina becomes a maid in Elenoa's house. He doesn't want to confine her, so he pays off her debt and tells her to live with him. Irina puts on a maid costume and she tries to earn more money. She treats Elenoa like another loan shark, not a potential lover. This drives him nuts. He wanted her to be his spoiled companion, so she would forget Ludwig and eventually choose him. He pulls her maid cap off of her head. He makes her eat dinner with him. He does her hair. He helps her peel potatoes because she doesn't know how. All of the real maids in the mansion know Irina isn't their coworker. They treat her like their boss, but Irina keeps trying to work, and she keeps failing. She wants to be loyal to her lover. Becoming a kept companion for a rich man would be a massive betrayal, so she keeps pretending. She gets almost nothing done and she breaks expensive things by accident every other day. She's in denial and out of options.

Ludwig breaks her heart, because he wants her to live in luxury. Elenoa is tired of waiting, so he makes a deal with Ludwig. He will pay for Carol's medicine, and he will give Ludwig a small fortune on top of that, if he breaks up with Irina. Ludwig agrees. Irina knows Ludwig left her because of Elenoa, but she can't help it. She bitterly curses Ludwig and forgets about him. She gave up everything to be with him, and he wasn't willing to give up everything to be with her. Ludwig was tired of dealing with constant hardship. Elenoa took advantage of that, but Ludwig still had a choice. He could have spat on Elenoa. He could have chosen to protect her, but he chose the money.

Elenoa is a bastard. After Irina leaves Ludwig she gets drunk. She goes back to the mansion and she breaks more expensive things. She says she knows everything. It's so obvious. Elenoa started throwing money around because he noticed cracks in Irina's love for Ludwig. Elenoa asked her to date him when they were students. He formally asked her to marry him three or four times after her family fell. Being kind didn't work. Swooping in like a hero didn't work. She knows he wants her, so she swears at him. She's frustrated and overworked and lonely. Irina says she'll sleep with him, and he doesn't say no like a gentleman. He jumps on the chance.

Irina keeps pretending to be a maid for a little longer after their first night together. Elenoa feels triumphant. He's been weaving a web to trap her for years. He seals the deal with an offer she can't resist. He gives her a job at his merchant guild, because her academy education makes her a good candidate for the position. She accepts, and then her fate is sealed. She lives with him. Her job is connected to him. Ludwig is gone. Her friends abandoned her after she lost her title. Her elderly father is his hostage. He pays for the house the man lives in. He has plugged up every possible escape route. Irina will marry him. He planned her breakdown so he could help her get on her feet. He's a snake but he doesn't want to hurt her. He's excited. He wants his plan to bear fruit so he can enjoy his life with his first love.

[garbage--account]

Random Reddit post 'cause i'm a lawyer and get to pick who to defend at court among those guys :

Let's procede by elimination, shall we !

If i'm defending an asshole, i want at least to get paid very well, you know what i mean ? Since i wanna buy a mansion, with maids and butler and jacuzzi, and go to a life-long vacation under the sun of paradise, i don't pick Wyles. He's just some second-hand man, depending on his employer (the real villain btw) to have a salary, i can safely say he is much less richer than the others.

Irina is a big no-no : the woman is violent with her son AND staff, and has those contraptions multiplying the power of the hits (poor Shinjou who ended up in the wall 😨). I don't wanna risk my physical integrity on a job, Thank you !

I think i'll pass for Zoolan Rice and Ray Dark : those guys can ruin my life, AND they'll do it ! Especially Ray, bro's so much hatred filled omg. I don't endorse slavery, war and human experiments. (Murder neither but heh if i'm a lawyer i prolly had to defend some common murderers before).

The winner is the Ares guy 🎉🎉🎉 (i forgot his name) I know his company is kinda a whole human experiment on children, but it's harder to prove it than with Alius or Zoolan Rice, since he managed to pass it as next level education by a respected company ... He also got outsmarted by some teenager, he is more likely to hire me as his lawyer even if i don't have a diploma. He also got rekt by a first year of middleschool, i know i can take him on a fight if he ever got out of control.

[gnar-slabdash]

Leverage Mark Showdown -- Second Heat Contestants

Where the nominator left comments (or fun extra descriptors), I'm including their comments, cause those are way better than what I'd come up with. Where they didn't leave comments, you'll have to settle for mine :P

Jack Lattimer The Radio Job, The Last Dam Job (also sort of most of Season 4) Hes a background guy, just barley staying relevant but also managing to be a pain in the ass to Nate and the crew, but he's not as much of a threat as Damien Moreau, but still stays in the background disrupting htings and giving the crew a hard time purely beciase he wasts a few extra bucks. Hes a bad gys that feels realistic an investor who found a way to cheat the system to benefit himself.

Jimmaaay Jimmy Jimmy Ford The Three Card Monte Job go grandpa

Dr. Anne Hannity The Inside Job That cocky/confident shit is hot... Except for the part where she manufactures a famine. But every time she thought she had a trump card she was sexy af

Dalton Rand The Future Job he's the worst kind of loathsome esp bc he's the most directly confronted with the harm he's doing and is totally blase about it

Nicky & Heather Moscone The Wedding Job They're both great caricatures and I like that they double cross each other.

Alan Foss The Two-Horse Job He’s one of the most well-sold “cartoonishly evil immature dickbag“ characters  we encounter. I love his arrogance, his uber-hateable sexism, and the over the top reactions he makes are so much fun to watch him get angry about. Damien Moreau, "IF WE MUST" The Big Bang Job, The San Lorenzo Job - specifically for the bathrobe and flipflops and being carefully staged to not look like everyone around him is normal human size, bless him - silly charming terrifying bastard man. can't believe this hasn't been done yet.

Retzing & Sons The Snow Job Dysfunctional crime family getting synergistically worse the more they try to deal with each other. Also I get excited every time I see my boy Jonathan from Buffy

Meredith The Lonely Hearts Job Man, she actually almost did our heroes in, didn't she? I love her grudging respect for Sophie, like she is genuinely into the art of grifting and willing to acknowledge being bested

James Kanack The First Contact Job He could have just been another rich and successful asshole. But no, that wasn't enough for him. HE HAD TO TALK TO ALIENS.

Mitchell Kirkwood The Studio Job Dude was a charming psycho, I'd let him murder me for my songs 😍 Plus watching his face break was 😚 Divine 😚

Hugh Whitman The Gone Fishin' Job Yeah, you know, let's do some regular debt collection fraud and also fund an entire militia out in the woods behind the bank, that seems normal, right?

Larry Duberman The Reunion Job what if there was a nerd who had sometbing sooooooooo wrong with them. also his actor was in big eden i got really excited when i recognized him

Wendy Baran The Gimme a K Street Job - okay I cave, you got me with this one. You're gonna have to send some propaganda, cause the nominator didn't say anything and i literally remember nothing about this character except she thinks breaking teenage girls' necks is a fun way to make money - Update! The nominator says: - Okay I said Baran bc I hate her so very much -  And she’s a girlboss (derogatory)

Andrew Grant The Miracle Job Love the energy, love the way he threw a wrench in their plans by being even more of a sleazy money grubber than they expected (and more creative about it!), and yeah, he's another one that I actually feel kinda bad for cause playing on his anxiety was LOW.

Irina Larenko The Stork Job She was such a ditzy cunt, I hated her but I loved watching her on screen. Kinda cute in a way idk plus her main muscle was kinda unfff

[kakusu-shipping]

Florist and tattoo artist Au and Cosmic diety au for you and koro sensei?~~~~~ i gotta know

I decided to only draw the Florist/Tattoo artist because I wanted to include Reaper Jr. in at least one of these AUs and I mean. He is so flower coded!! But just so you know; Koro-Sensei's the Moon, Aguri's the Sun, I'm a Star, and Irina is the Earth. Karsuma's an asteroid or smth idk.

Anyway Florist and Tattoo Artist AU!!!

Koro-Sensei - Helped his son attentive his dream of running a Florist shop, pops in and out to help around the store and embarrass said son. He and Aguri are married. She's a teacher at a much more normal junior high school, still teaching class 3-E but they're all a lot less depressed. Koro-Sensei likes to pop in to her class sometimes, bribing her lunch, helping with grading, and offering tutoring when needed. He's a busy body who doesn't currently have a job, his previous employmet is a mystery to everyone, and is just kind of whizzing all over the place to help people.

Reaper 2.0 (Named Karito in this AU) - Koro-Sensei and Aguri's adoptive son. For his entire childhood he looked up to his dad and desperately wanted to do whatever it was he was doing, but Koro-Sensei kept Karito successfully in the dark about his occupation. When Koro-Sensei brought Aguri home for the first time, Karito was very against her. Just another person to steal his father's attention away from him.. but as he got older, and Koro-Sensei became mutated, he began to greatly appreciate Aguri for helping split up Koro-Sensei's affections. He's very easily embarrassed by both his parents.

Irina - Ex-Yakuza, working in Emile's tattoo parlor as the actual Tattooist. She's not very creative herself, but can copy anything she looks at perfect. She handles the customers while Emile does the art. She spends her free time half flirting with Karito, he's cute and hard to read, so she enjoys the challenge of trying to make him actually flustered, not fake flustered like he always is. She's had a few run-ins with Koro-Sensei who's concerned about her turning his son into a delinquent. She loves showing off her tattoos, all of which Emile designed.

Emile - The artist behind the Tattoo parlor, he's not very good with people and sticks to designing tattoos out of sight. He and Irina have been best friends ever sense he got her out of a bad situation, and she is constantly trying to get him to open up to more people. He thinks the couple running the Florist Shop across the street are the most amazing people ever and has a massive crush on both of them, but doesn't want to say anything. Irina pokes fun at him for fantasizing being a homewrecker, he does his best to explain Polyamory to her, but the whole thing flusters him to silence every time.

An Everything is fine kind of AU. Yes Koro-Sensei is still an Anti-matter being but so long as he takes his medicine and doesn't stress too much, he's unlikely to explode. He saved Aguri, he did right by his apprentice, he's living a happy family life... Good ending acquired!!

I always liked the idea of Reaper Jr. and Irina being actual friends who are never honest with eachother, not out of distrust but because it's more fun that way to them? Dripping in sarcasm and white lies every conversation. Love that for them <3

I'm not quiet sure where this AU will go... But it's fun and soft and I got to draw Koro-Sensei in a cute strappy sun dress, so I'm happy <3

[tippenfunkaport]

SPOP Alias AU

This is just a full on incoherent ramble about some misc thoughts I had about this so I am putting it under the cut 😅

for the benefit of the youths, Alias was a show about spies! and plot twists! and wigs! and how Jennifer Garner looks good in literally any outfit you put her in (seriously, just google Sydney Bristow disguises)

(so this is not a 1:1 AU but general spoilers for the TV show Alias to follow)

Adora is Sidney basically and working for what she thinks is the CIA doing nerd stuff at a desk job. And then her finance, Catra, is murdered!

And she's still mourning but Light Hope sends her on an undercover mission to do sexy spy work in Outfits! and Wigs! and while on a mission could swear she sees… Catra, whaaa?

So she's like WHAT is happening and goes back to Light Hope who is cryptic and says if she wants answers she has to join the CIA. And Adora is basically like, "…do i not already work for the CIA?" and finds out, in fact, she does not and her entire team (which is basically all the Horde characters) are actually working for SD6, an evil organization pretending to be the CIA. The real CIA (the princess alliance) wants her to go undercover and help take SD6 down from the inside. And she agrees because she wants to find out what happened to Catra. (And I know you're thinking why not make Catra Vaughn aka her handler but it's more fun if Catradora are both kinda on opposite sides for a while so her handler can be Mara and Adora is never really sure how much to trust her bc her girlfriend Light Hope is also a double agent working for SD6 and whose side are any of them really on?).

Light Hope and Mara kinda share the role of morally ambiguous Jack Bristow/mentor figure and Shadow Weaver is Sloan.

Anyway, meanwhile, Bow is Adora's innocent civilian roommate / best friend who has no idea that any of this spy nonsense is going on (so, he's Will aka Bradly Cooper before he was cool) but has been very earnestly trying to investigate Catra's "death" because something doesn't add up. He accidentally uncovers too much though and Light Hope thinks that he is a weak spot that SD6 could use to keep to Adora in line (bc Adora is starting to doubt their mission, the same reason that Catra had to fake her death). So Light Hope sends one of their best agents (Glimmer because I am who I am) to spy on and eventually eliminate Bow.

Meanwhile, Catra is basically a combo of Irina and Nadia (obviously not actually related to Adora) but where it's unclear which side she is on or how much influence SW as Sloane has on her but she ultimately prove to be on the side of good after lots of homoerotic fighting in Wigs! and Outfits!

So, in the show, (big spoilers for Alias) Adora's two best IRL non-CIA friends are Will and Francie and eventually Will and Francie start dating... but it turns out that the real Francie was murdered and someone else stole her face and is posing as Francie to spy on Will and manipulate him. (Alias is WILD, man) And Will eventually finds out and has to murder this person who l looks like his best friend that he loves in self defense. So! Clearly we are not doing that!

Instead, we are going to steal some of the vibes and have Glimmer (who Bow has no preexisting relationship to) sent in as an agent whose job is to seduce him and get close to him and pretend to be his girlfriend to keep an eye on Adora (bc Light Hope doubts her loyalty knowing she's trying to find Catra). And Glimmer starts to become torn about her mission as she starts to genuinely like Adora and feel bad about betraying her and to actually fall for Bow for real. So when she gets the order down to kill Bow, she can't do it and flees. Her only ally is the disgraced Shadow Weaver, who fled when SD6 fell apart and is perfectly happy to manipulate Glimmer in her darkest hour.

She teams up with Catra who recognizes she's not a bad person and then two of them take down SW and get back into the CIA's good graces.

Meanwhile, Adora puts Bow into the witness protection program which protects him because everyone wants to kill him now, but also means he has to cut all ties with his family. So he HATES Glimmer for all those months of lying to/using him and ruining his life. He starts to work for the CIA as well because what else is he going to do after all that? and Glimmer is working there too after it's revealed she ultimately protected Bow and Adora and her and Catra took out SW so she comes to work there and ✨ tension✨. Because he's really mad at her and doesn't trust her at all but they have to work together and have been fake dating for a year and how much of those feelings were real and something something eventually they start to become actual friends for real this time and decide to try dating for real and they kind of pretend they just met and try to keep it all sweet like a real first date except they have too much history and end up fast burning.

And while Glimbow are being a disaster Catra and Adora are trying to rebuild what they had but the whole war between the factions have made them very different people and they need to figure out how to get back to each other while stopping SW who is back from the dead and looking for magic First Ones artifacts that lead to immortality / the end of the entire world.

Standard stuff, really.

[aquanova99]

Hey, I noticed in a lot of your Hcs have Kate kind of resenting being turned and wanting to leave. So could you maybe elaborate on the relationships between the sisters?

I have been waiting on this question 🧎‍♀️

•Kate•

From what we know in canon Kate loved her life, was proud of what she did. The fact of the matter is that Sasha saw Kate said “hmm I could make a sister for Tanya and get another daughter.” Turned her and expected a happy family. But imagine you are with people you consider family, doing a job you love, and someone comes and kills everyone around you. You’ve failed at your job, lost your friends, you’ve been in excruciating pain for days and now some blonde woman is telling you that you have a new mother and sister.

Kate has no one. She’s not like Kachiri who went back and kind her friends and they all agreed to live together. She has no one. No idea why her throat burns. No idea what the rules are. And no one she can complain to because one of them(Sasha) is delusional enough to think Kate would thank her for ruining her life and the other(Tanya) is mad that she wasn’t enough of a daughter and annoyed that Kate’s ungrateful for her new family.

Sasha paints the volturi as monsters, cruel and evil rulers. As much as she would want to leave now she’s even more terrified of the world she’s been brought into. So, she keeps to herself. Not talking to either of the other two women unless absolutely necessary. In my opinion the reason Kate got her gift at all was because she was so guarded against Sasha and Tanya.

Sasha tried to talk to her first, telling her they would get over this as a family but as she rested her hand on Kate’s back, we’ll you guessed it. She was wracked with pain, and her screams of course, brought Tanya in a rush. She’d had enough of Kate’s attitude anyway but as she went to attack her, same thing, Kate grabbed her hand to block her and electricity flowed through the hand she used to grab Tanya and now Tanya was doubled over in pain until Kate released her. Kate, on her end, had no idea how she did that and just told them not to touch her again. When they go hunting Tanya tries to convince Sasha to let Kate leave but Sasha saw Kate as protection. So, at this point any scary stories about the volturi are turned to the max. Sasha tells her how she would either be enslaved or killed due to her power and she should only use it in emergencies. Great, Kate thinks, now I really can’t leave.

She still doesn’t say much. And now that they know what she can do, they don’t push it. Kate starts practicing though or she wants to. Because she realizes she has no idea how to control and now she can barely feel anything emanating from her fingertips. But she’s angry, her human memories are fading and what she does remember is foggy, as if her brain has a protective mist around her past life. So, when she goes hunting she goes at night, more easily hidden. She realizes she can see her powers when she “accidentally” brushed by someone. Great. She can work with this, and she does, she walks with a cloak, trying to blend so she can reach out and see exactly how much she has each time she focuses on shocking somebody. When the humans start to get loud she quickly feeds and moves on. She somewhat hopes Tanya or Sasha try to confront her again, but they know better.

Then Sasha comes across Irina. A short and beautiful peasant girl. Perfect, no attachments. Kate is furious and fully plans to run away with the new vampire but stays quiet. Unfortunately for Kate, Irina had no family. Sasha was the perfect mother, and now she had sisters, perfect sisters she could count on. Irina was more than happy and while Tanya had resented Kate, the young vampires enthusiasm made her grow fond of Irina. Irina tried hard to get everyone to like her and really, Kate couldn’t help likening her either. So, she would talk to the younger girl, doing her hair and asking her what she liked. Tanya and Sasha are shocked she can even speak the same language as they hadn’t really heard her speak in years so they assumed she hadn’t bothered learning the newer language. This of course, makes Tanya all the more resentful of Kate. Unlike her, Kate begins tolerating Tanya’s presence at least for Irina. So they both play nice and after several years are at least indifferent to eachother. Sasha continues her warnings to Irina about the volturi but also states if she’s in trouble, they have Kate. Kate saw her words for what they were, she would be a sacrifice, she would be the one fighting or being taken while the others escaped.

Anyways, years and they all live rather peacefully. But while Irina looks youthful, what Sasha wants is a child, a perfect little child, that would never grow up. So when they’re supposed to go hunting, she steals Vasili and makes the poor baby undergo the worst pain possible. She tells the girls she has to visit a friend, and try as she might she couldn’t control the toddler. And well, you know the rest. The volturi come and they’re just as scary as Sasha said, and Kate…well Kate is so terrified she can’t even think about using her gift she has to protect Irina, so she decides to wait until they try and attack her. And then they, well they don’t. They kill Sasha but honestly she could care less about her, when Aro touches all of them it’s Kate’s mind that convinced him to let them go. Maybe Kate will want to join after a while, but not if they kill Irina. So he comes up with the excuse to let them go, it’s not a lie anyway they really didn’t know, but this way Caius gets to do his thing and now he at least has an ally in Kate (so he thinks).

Irina and Tanya are heartbroken so Kate becomes their pillar. Well she becomes Irinas pillar and Tanya’s emotional punching bag. Tanya thinks she should have helped their mother, Irina is just crying all the time. And frankly Kate is just terrified everything her maker said was true (it’s not) and she’s trying to keep Irina calm. Tanya grieves her own way and they let her, and shortly Irina follows suit. Kate just lured the men in for a meal she couldnt care less about any more emotional attachment.

Until Carmen and Eleazar come, Tanya and Kate are back on barely talking unless Irinas around. Kate follows the diet because Irina begs her to, she felt especially bad about a man she had grown actual feelings for. And whatever, blood is blood. Eleazar is very kind but Carmen is the one who charms them. Carmen and Kate become friends immediately and is actually the one that invites them to join, partly because she’d enjoy more company and partly because Tanya can’t turn them away when they’re so thankful that she’s been so welcoming. Kate has an evil smirk when Tanya glares at her. But honestly it’s for the best, Carmen gets Kate to break down why she’s so hurt about everything. So she forced Tanya and her to basically just air it all out. Tanya feels better to know that she was going to save Irina, and Kate agrees to play nice (she still hurt about her abduction though). After a few weeks they are neutral again and after awhile have the same relationship roommates might have. Still the two to fight the most but most everyone takes that sibling bickering. It’s not.

This the relationship between the sisters until Irina is triggered by Restingheartrate. Those volturi fears once again resurface. When she’s killed Tanya and Kate do grow closer but now they have nothing bonding them together. Kate found Garrett and soon enough they will leave for at least a few years to get to know eachother. And as much as she loves Carmen, she knows Garrett won’t judge her past. Or her feelings towards her family. She doesn’t have to hide how she didn’t grieve Sasha, how she still can’t fully forgive Tanya for some reason. And for his credit, he doesn’t. Garrett reassures her, let’s her have fun, and I mean actual fun being a vampire, and frankly their energy brings out the best in eachother. Tanya and her are cordial when they see one another but that’s it. They have nothing to connect the two anymore and now Tanya is all alone, she still doesn’t have her own person. She’s puts on a brave face but is bitter that she ended up with no one and nothing Carmen says will change that. I imagine they all live as a coven of five for a few years before she goes on her own to be a nomad.

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

IMDB BLURB:  In 1957, Indiana Jones becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

WARNINGS: Adventure violence and scary imagery

RATING: One Shia LaBeouf orange juice commercial

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: Okay here we are, gonna watch Indiana Jones and the crystal skulls. The fourth and arguably the worst of the series, but I actually like it. I don't think its any worse or campier than the other movies.

Biscuits: Dib is joining us. We saw this in the theater! I actually remember this one better than the other ones, which we've been rewatching, but we wanted to review this one because it’s bad. We might’ve reviewed the new new one but it’s only in theaters right now. Also, my tumbler makes very nice asmr sounds :)

Dib: I don't remember anything but Shia LeBeouf and aliens.

B: I forgot Harrison Ford was like, hot in the old Indiana Jones movies. ‘Adventure violence and scary imagery’, I love that for us. Harrison Ford is in this as an old man.

M: He still kicks ass as an old man so... We open on a rousing car chase.

B: This movie happens in the 50's, they have to make sure we know that by having Elvis music and these kids in their very obvious 50′s getup.

M: The kids are trying to get the Nazi dudes to race them and they do for some reason.

B: No those are U.S. dudes.

M: My bad, they're racing our dudes right to a nuclear test site! No, those are definitely Nazi guys.

D: Does this movie just look this crusty?

B: I don't know why they went through all the trouble of disguising themselves as Americans when they just straight-up shoot the army guys. They’ve got a guy in their trunk, it's Indiana Jones. And some other guy.

M: They're actually Russians apparently. I can't keep track of all these bad guys.

B: Cate Blanchett is in this movie too! She's the main bad guy. These guys have really great Russian accents.

M: They need Indy to go into the really special American warehouse where they keep all the really important artifacts and find the alien.

D: Cate's hair is giving serious Edna Mode vibes.

B: You right, you right.

No capes!

M: Her accent is...awful. She thinks she's psychic or something. Or wants to be.

D: This IS area 51. In a big warehouse in Nevada.

B: Where they put the ark of the covenant in the first movie!

M: I didn't think area 51 existed then but okay. (we googled it and yes it did, it just wasn’t really known as like the ‘alien place’ back then)

B: He doesn't remember anything! He's 85! Also, the ark of the fucking covenant is in here! You could take literally anything else and it would probably be a pretty effective superweapon! Why do you need the alien???

M: Indy needs gunpowder to find the alien so he throws it in the air and it floats straight to the alien and doesn't need to obey gravity or anything.

B: The lamps or guns or swords aren't affected though.

D: Maybe it's stainless steel.

B: Who makes a fucking sword out of non-ferrous metal???

M: The magnetic field is very picky. They found the box tho and suddenly the crowbars are affected but not guns or anything.

D: Non-ferrous guns. Or pins or buttons or anything.

B: But now her sword is magnetic, and their dog tags, and their guns...

D: They're gonna put that in a car? Engines and magnets don't really get along.

M: So they get it open and it's an alien, no spoilers though. Irina (cate blanchett) is really excited. Indy tries to take out the Russians but his sidekick guy Mac turns on him and is apparently working for the Russians because money.

B: Why is she sometimes British?? Oh it’s because Cate Blanchett is British. Indy manages to drop the gun so perfectly that it shoots a guy in the foot and creates instant panic. The Soviets kinda suck at their jobs.

D: They did suck at their jobs!

B: They're just gonna drive around destroying all these priceless artifacts! All those boxes were empty apparently. I'm gonna have to go on a aliens rant at some point. I remember seeing this as a child and thinking...that's dumb.

D: That's the ark of the covenant!

B: To quote Griffin McElroy - I don't get a dinosaur. I know they found like crazy shit like the holy grail but that's at least grounded in some sort of real-world mythology or theology but aliens??

D: I think the Dial of Destiny is just something they made up. The second movie took a pretty hard left turn too with the stones.

B: But to connect all this to crystal skulls?

M: I don't think that's that weird tbh. They've always been a source of weirdo mysticism.

B: But they're not...real. I mean like, they’re real things that exist, but they’re not actual Mesoamerican artifacts. Whatever, Ancient Aliens type vibe.

M: Anyway....Indiana Jones got thrown through a window, and he landed on some nuclear control panel with a giant Russian guy.

D: He's mostly getting his ass beat.

M: He does that a lot.

B: One thing you gotta give Indy, he can take a beating!

M: Indy and the Russian get sent on a rocket test thinger and now they're all dizzy and trying to kick each other's asses still.

D: That was a lot of g force, to be fair.

B: And Indy hides behind a dune and the Russian guys just can't find him. Indiana is very sweaty already. The sweatiest man alive.

M: Indy is hiding out in a nuclear test site which he thinks is a real town initially until he realizes everyone is mannequins. Oh that's bad.

D: I don't think people knew what these were back in the day - but they did know what an air raid siren was.

M: Indy at least knows it's not good! The Russians do too though and they are outski.

B: And he survives by a hiding in a fridge.

M: They were lead lined back then!

D: There goes the entire budget. Also Indiana Jones is dead as shit. If he survived the blast he would not have survived the radiation.

B: Don't run towards the mushroom cloud! Didn't you ever watch Duck and Cover?? Wasn’t that like mandatory viewing back in the day??

Damn the intro to Fallout 4 looking different than I remember.

M: They do treat him for radiation, he's getting a good scrub down in an American....place... where he's being interrogated about his two timing buddy Mac.

B: Aliens, nuclear warfare, it does fit the vibe of the 1950's.

M: Indy somehow, despite having been there (at fucking Roswell btw) doesn't know what was in the box.

B: This is my favorite episode of X files.

M: The FBI or CIA or whatever think Indy is a spy, because we need more drama. Indy is back at college teaching his classes which he's been doing for 800 years.

B: This is exactly that scene from the first movie.

M: Except he's about to get fired, but Jim Broadbent is gonna try and talk him down though. Charlie is his name in the movie. I don't see how him resigning is gonna help Indy tho. Indy is gonna go to somewhere and get another job. Charlie bemoans the state of society.

D: What's happening?

B: His dad was Sean Connery, was he dead by the time this came out?

M: Yes. (Editor’s note: No he wasn’t. He died in 2020. Please don’t ever listen to anything Munch says.)

B: Oh yeah Shia LeBeouf is in this movie -  an even bigger leap than aliens. Also he looks like James Dean. Dib is right about the lighting, it makes the movie look so cheap. This whole scene looks like a goddamn orange juice commercial.

M: Mutt (Shia) runs down Indy and is like HEY DO YOU KNOW ABOUT OXLEY HE HAD A CRYSTAL SKULL AND HE'S MISSING. And Indy is like, oh shit Akator?

B: The Mitchell-Hedges skull is fake af but I guess we didn't know that in the 50's.

D: This movie is boring.

B: I think Indy is making things up at this point. Akator, city of gold, all this nonsense. He doesn’t believe in any of it but come on man, you found the ark of the covenant!!! Shia LaBeouf is...not a very good actor.

M: Mutt seems kinda put down that Indy is just a teacher because he needs someone to rescue his Mom but now there's KGB agents coming for them. They want the letter with all the important stuff on it that Mutt gave Indy because somehow they know about all this already. Mutt and Indy start a fight.

When in doubt, punch a guy!

B: That's his solution to everything, start a fight.

M: To be fair, it seems to work every time.

B: We gotta have another rousing vehicle chase, these movies love a car chase.

M: Bring me a sugar cookie.

D: Indy just got dragged like hell into the backseat there. Nobody calls the police, I guess they didn't have cell phones and shit but nobody alerts the authorities?

M: I don't know, they're busy. Indy and Mutt drive through an anti-communist rally and the KGB dudes run into a statue. Now they're gonna drive through a library because it looks cool and so Indy can deliver a one liner. Are you drinking more margarita?

B: I don't want it to go to waste! The amount of sugar in it is probably worse for me than the alcohol.

M: Indy is now deciphering the letter which is written in Koihoma, because Indy knows like 8000 languages. Indy says it's a riddle from Oxley.

B: The lines in the earth only gods can read would be the Nazca lines.

M: You get an A.

D: Only gods can read. Or planes. I guess the KGB guys left them alone so they could get to Peru.

B: I like how they stopped over in Cuba.

M: They land over in Peru I guess, and find out Oxley was there but they thought he was bonkers so they locked him up. Indy apparently rode with Pancho Villa.

B: Mutt's mom thinks he's a goof! Sorry ma, I goofed up!

D: There's a bad guy, you can tell he's bad because he's smoking

M: They go visit Oxley's uh... cell in the sanitarium and find a lot of scrawl about abliens and Akator and Mutt is sad

D; Why does Shia look like he's gonna cry?

M: He's sad! Ox was like his dad.

B: He just looks like he got maced.

M: Indy does a quick sweepy and finds a map on the floor that Ox left leading to the cradle of Orellana where he died, or whatever...?

B: They really are throwing in any sort of myth or weird thing they can think of related to Mesoamerica or South America. Not a lot of action so far, mostly like solving puzzles.

D; You can infer all of that from some scrawl? I guess so because here we are at this Dark Souls location all of the sudden.

M: Indy and Mutt transition to the death place of the conquistador that nobody has ever found except apparently Oxley.

B: There's some spooky guys in Party City skeleton masks, and Shia falls down a ladder.

D: I need a gif of that in my life. Here comes the screaming skeleton dude, he knows kung fu apparently. They have magic holes they can crawl through apparently.

B: Indy reverse blow darts a guy, brutal.

D: You're a teacher? Not anymore! He just got fired!

M: I guess they're all gone now so on with the looting.

D: Crit success on the perception check for Indy.

B: These movies are basically Dnd campaigns anyway. Oh no, scorpions!

D: Here I am.....

B: *laughs* Rock you like a hurricane!

M: Indy and Mutt find some elongated head skulls and Indy is like well they did head binding which is true. Indy makes another amazing perception check and lucks into a secret passage that leads directly to the perfectly preserved conquistadors.

D: What class is Indiana jones?

M: Rogue

D: Can rogues use whips?

B: I think so?

M: Indy tears open a wrapping and finds a perfectly preserved dude who immediately disintegrates, but then Mutt finds one that's open already and omfg its got THE CRYSTAL SKULL which looks like it's full of saran wrap. I love how random the magnetic effect of the skull is. It just works whenever it wants on whatever it wants to work on.

D: Indy drops the skull and it shatters into a million pieces, movie over. Thanks for the exposition, Mutt

So nice of the crystal show to finally show up in its own movie.

M: Indy thinks this must be the skull from Akator that Ox found and then brought back but he doesn't know WHY he brought it back.

B: Ox was like, oh shit crystal skulls are fake, back to the hole!

M: As per usual, the second Indy finds something, someone is there to take it from him. In this case, Mac and his Russian friends who take Indy and mutt back to their Russian torture camp and tie Indy to a chair to mess with his brains.

B: The conkwisstadors found a city of gold that Mac wants to find because he just wants money.

M: Cate Blanchett and her accent have returned

D: And just as quickly, it leaves!

B: Oppenheimer didn't make up that line, he quoted it - but Indy knows that! Because he's smart and cool

D: Stop assaulting Indiana jones here man, she's like groping him

Please send all your hot Indiana Jones x Irina Spalko fanfics to munchflower.tumblr.com ( please do, I’m really bored. - Munch )

B: Even Indiana Jones doesn't believe this alien bullshit, he's like oh come on. The aliens have crystal skeletons.

D: What makes them think if they find the alien city that the aliens are gonna be like - hey it's cool, you want a prize?

M: But here's Oxley played by John Hurt but he's not okay in the head. Just a little bananas. The Russians blame the skull for Ox's condition and want to use it on Indy so he can interpret Ox's madness. No really.

B: This is...a lot. I know the other movies were a lot but just being like, anyways aliens and psychic channels and it opens up an undeveloped part of the human mind and fucking WHAT? Am I actually watching Ancient Aliens right now?

D: There's been no action, this is dragging on forever.

B: This is also taking itself waaaay too seriously.

D: This was 2008, they weren't allowed to be campy anymore.

M: True, sadly. Anyway, here's some alien brainwashing with Indiana Jones.

B: The Russians want alien bones to control people's minds. I guess it's not that much weirder than Nazis wanting the ark of the covenant to take over the world. That's a fucking polygraph machine!

Tbf all a polygraph machine does is monitor your heart rate and shit

D: You ARE the father!

M: Cate gives a rousing speech about taking over the world.

D; Guided meditation with Cate Blanchett and an alien skull.

B: What direction did they give Harrison ford?? “Look like you’re being controlled by aliens and just kinda jiggle around for a while?” This movie is...worse than I remember.

M: Mutt tries to step in and Indy is like, go ahead and kill him idgaf - but now here’s Marion from the first movie!

B: Half this movie is just references to the first movie!

M: Indy is like, this is your fucking kid?? But Marion still kicks ass and she's not having it. Indy then goes and sits with Oxley and he's like, oh hey he's doing automatic writing which is obvious to literally nobody but Indy.

B: Ox is literally speaking in riddles. This movie is 90 percent solving riddles

M: Indy of course can magically decipher these automatic writing pictographs because he's just that smart.

B: Mutt has an "emotional" moment with Ox but it's not very good. Acting.

M: Indy is too excited about solving the riddles to realize he's helping the enemy. But Mutt has a plan, and it’s the classic indiana jones plan: start a fight.

B: He's learning. Also setting things on fire, they do that a lot in these movies too.

M: Indy and Marion and Ox all run away but quicksand.

B: Oh dude, oh fuck, quicksand! I don't know why I'm so excited about that. Actually it’s not quicksand, it's dry sand. Indy tells Ox to get help. From who, the Russians??

M: that's literally what Ox does tho. Marion tells Indy Mutt is his kid while they're slowly sinking into a sand pit and Mutt comes back with a giant snake instead of like...a vine or something and Indy is like uh...no I'll die.

B: Snakes aren’t slimy. That poor snake :(

D: It's not a real snake.

B: I know but....

What do you need alien skulls for? Just annihilate all your enemies with this fucking thing!

M: Ox shows back up with the Russians! And now they're driving through the fucking jungle in a car with a cowcatcher with blades on the front. Mutt and Marion have a bit of a fallout over the dad thing.

B: But Marion and Indy are gonna spend this whole time arguing which is honestly pretty in character.

M: Indy starts another fight because why not, and again it works and he and Mutt somehow get free to go start kicking Russian ass

B: That's a damn sharp switchblade Mutt has, cuts right through everything.

D: *laughs* The car is just jiggling while Indy beats people up

M: This car chase goes on forever.

D: That didn't destroy the engine?

M: They're Russian cars, they're built different. Indy doesn't ever get shot despite guns going off one foot away from him.

D; Cate might be psychic but she has terrible aim

M: Mutt finds one of Cate's swords so he can fence.

D: Indiana can take down a whole cavalcade of cars but then he can't punch out one guy?

M: Mac tries to tell Indy that he's actually a double or triple agent and he’s on Indy's side now but come on, why would you trust this guy?

B: They had that whole conversation about how Mutt used to fence, that's like a, y’know, Cosgrove's fish. Chekov's gun!

M: Biscuits is a little tipsy. Mutt is holding his own against Cate somehow while his mom gives him pointers. The skull makes a hollow ‘boing’ noise when it hits someone. People have changed cars like 30 times at this point.

B: A little goofy.

M: We haven't even gotten to the ants yet. Shia gets caught in some vines and then he literally Tarzans this shit back to the convoy. No really.

Shia LaBeouf has returned to monke

D: You can't kill them! The Russians need Oxley or they can't find the thing!! They need him!

B: Doctor Joanes. That was straight up British.

D: Monkeys! Get em monkeys! Monkeys are ruthless.

M: Now the ants. Giant killer ants, like you have in wherever they are in South America.

B: That's a really big ant.

M: I did say giant. Now Russian and American alike are about to be devoured by ants.

B: Ants are doggedly pursuing them, a literal fucking wave of ants. But then they get tackled as they’re fleeing the ants.

D: It's the part where Indy has to fight a huge guy and nearly lose but then not.

M: It's a staple.

B: But apparently the skulls psychic powers work on...ants....so ox is gonna keep them away.

D: PROTECTIVE SHIELD!

Activate alarm! Cannot approach!

M: The giant Russian is down! And it's ant time for him as they file into his face hole and carry him into their giant ant hill. and they're all gone now and no longer interested in anyone else. Back to the car chase!

D: So they're gonna rappel down the cliff

B: Marion is gonna drive off the cliff.

M: She does tho and lands perfectly on a branch that allows them to drive into the river and the branch snaps back up and kills like four Russians, because movie.

D: Good thing those vehicles are amphibious. I wanna go on this Disneyland ride.

M: They go over a waterfall but there's actually three fucking waterfalls and somehow they keep landing in the boat and not losing the skull or their lives.

D: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Akator??

B: Good thing the water they landed in is also shallow enough for them to stand up in.

M: Indy is like, I'll take the skull the rest of the way because the skull told me to but I guess you guys can come too. Now they're inside the fucking stone skull cave at the bottom of the waterfalls and there's a giant temple full of weird paintings.

B: For real, Ancient Aliens type beat. The aliens taught them irrigation and farming and shit.

M: I understand Ox...someone came. *no comment*

B: All of the aliens will...come

M: Why do they assume those are aliens?? They found skeletons with elongated skulls earlier that were human so why are these definitely not human?

B: Because they're in the alien place?

D: Wait, where did these people come from??? How did they get there??? HOW?

B: they were just hanging out, waiting for people to come so they could attack them and it would look cool for the movie.

M: The random natives are kicking everyone's ass but then Ox does the skull thing he did to the ants and they all are like oh shit and they leave.

B: The Russians are like - a tracking bug! We should go to the conspicuously skull shaped cave in the waterfall!

D: How does Cate even find these tracking devices? She doesn’t have a tracker, she’s just finding them on the ground?

M: How does Ox know how to get into the obelisk, he didn't do this part before.

B: The skull told him I guess. Saaaaaand.

M: They start breaking the faces off the obelisk and letting the sand out so it will go down and open the secret passage to the aliens?

B: This whole movie is a mcguffin. I know the other movies were all about mcguffins but this one is getting ridiculous.

D: Good thing they're all clean and dry still.

M: Why did the aliens put a spike trap inside the obelisk that leads to the aliens?

B: The people who worshipped them built it I guess, in case someone was trying to steal their artifacts, but they're actually trying to return one so....

M: Mac starts immediately stealing stuff because he's never been in an Indiana Jones movie before and doesn't realize that's BAD. Also mac is leaving more tracking devices because he's a quadruple agent.

D: He's a double triple quarter pound agent. The Russians just shot the natives.

B: There are artifacts from every early culture in here because the ALIENS WERE ARCHEOLOGISTS!

M: The skull starts humming, like you do, and Indy is like, I gotta press it into this hole and whammo the door will open.

B: The aliens just bonk their noggin into it to open it.

M: And now the alien room with the alien skeletons.

B: We built this city...they built it so they could sit around and just look cool in this room forever or fuck I don't know. They're aliens, god knows what they're doing. They're not dead, they're just like dormant.

Return the slab or suffer my curse...

M: But here's Cate and her accent again and she’s like, they're a hive mind!

B: How does she know this?

M: Who knows. She's gonna take the skull though and stick it back on the alien skeleton and it just shwoomps back on because magnets.

B: Look, Indy has seen things you have not seen, he's seen people get melted by artifacts, he's not gonna gamble with the aliens.

M: But Cate is! She demands to know everything the aliens know and well...she's gonna. The eye sockets of the skeletons start....smoking a little.

B: Oh yeah by the way...the temple is like...a fucking SPACESHIP or something, Oh my god.

M: Mac is still stealing stuff while the temple crumbles and the c-gen aliens start forming into a singular hive mind alien thinger.

B: ‘Inter-dimensional beings’, yeah whatever, they’re fucking aliens.

M: And there's a portal to another dimension

B: Back to their fucking home dimension or whatever, because we couldn't suspend our disbelief for SPACE aliens but if they’re just from another dimension it all makes sense.

M: Indy and the gang all get out and run away while Cate sees the universe through the eyes of the aliens until her head explodes. Indy tries to save Mac but alas...his greed kills him.

D: You asked for it, Cate

B: The alien looks kinda angy.

*dib and biscuits laugh*

B: And she disintegrates! Not in a cool gory way, her eyes just burn and she turns into dust. Get knowledged.

M: Indy and the gang somehow get propelled out of the temple by rising water and into the jungle.

D: God this movie looks so bad! The lighting and the c-gen looks so bad. and now the aliens are just gonna fuck off, I guess. Adios!

B: I must go, my planet needs me. Back to alien town. Indy just watches. Ox says some cryptic shit, ‘to the space between spaces’, what the fuck does that mean?? Their treasure wasn't gold, it was KNOWLEDGE!

M: Shia and Indy are like, WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME DAD? Ox has also apparently been cured of his indefinite madness now.

B: I guess everything turned out alright in the end!

D: And he's fine and he's cleared with the CIA! Indy got his job back! I melted the KGB with science so it's all good.

M: Indy and Marion get married because of course they do,

B: Things didn't work out so well the first time but why not.

D: Lookit this happy little family.

M: They set it up like Shia is gonna take over the mantle but he doesn't. I'm tired of typing.This movie is stinky but I still like it. It’s very silly.

B:I forgor that this movie came out at a time when 3D movies were EVERYWHERE, like literally every movie was in 3D even if it didn’t need to be, and sometimes they tried so hard to shoehorn 'cool 3D moments’ into a movie so hard it was to the detriment of the movie. And so many of those exact scenes are in this movie, and they haven’t aged well.

D: Movie bad.

M: You don’t get much more concise than that. Munch and Biscuits (and sometimes Dib out, yo)