#and ill listen to it and think you know what this song needs. angelic vocals from a silly guy

[carcarrot]

every single franz ferdinand song could be improved if it was also being sung by a goofy little guy in a poncho

[some-pers0n]

Hello im. Sorry to bother you but I see you on my dash as "the will wood person"(well also the tf2 person and the wof person but that doesn't pertain to this) and was thinking about listening to his stuff but idk where to start do you got any recommendations?

Yippee!! I managed to be so Demented about William Woodard that it made me the "Will Wood person" to somebody :))) That's so silly

Okay, so recommendations. It's...really quite difficult to recommend stuff from Will because a lot of his music is quite varied and it kinda just depends on what music you've already listened to. If you've gone down the Jack Stauber, Tally Hall, or Lemon Demon path, chances are you're going to be somewhat on board with his music.

Will Wood is an experimental music artist who never exactly sticks to one sound. He said he doesn't quite like it. Self-Ish, his second album, he considers a concept album due to the fact that it's mostly grungy and rough vocals with frantic and wild instrumentals all with lyrics spouting stuff relating to a singular theme. However, if you ask me there are some things about him that stick out as being "Will Wood".

Piano. A lot of his songs have piano. In some places, what other songs would have as a guitar riff, is a piano bit. Piano (along with the baritone ukulele and also occasionally glockenspiel) is his main instrument.

Jazzy instruments. Saxophones, trumpets, all that. In his latest main album, In Case I Make It, Will forgos that sort of jazzy tunes a lot in favour of more calm and folk songs, but they still linger.

Tons and tons of lyrics. Will's lyricism is one of the main draws of his music to me. He often writes about his own experiences with his mental health and struggles in his songs. Themes of mental illness, being loved despite being human, and generally just being a person trying to get through this messy, cold world.

Yeah that's about goes for the constants.

Okay, so, depending on your music taste, I don't know how to quite recommend stuff. His newer album, In Case I Make It, is a lot more folksy and softer than his previous work. It still has that Will Wood flare, but just with less loud screaming matches between Will and an alto sax. His earliest albums (Everything is a Lot and Self-Ish) are more edgy and dark with those grungy and gravely vocals. The Normal Album is a middle ground.

I personally believe the best way to experience Will Wood is to listen to the albums, but for individual songs? Here's some ordered from softer to more intense.

Skeleton Appreciation Day (Bones), Everything is a Lot

When Somebody Needs You [Song], Camp Here & There

That's Enough, Let's Get You Home., In Case I Make It

White Noise, In Case I Make It

Venetian Blind Man, Camp Here & There

...well, better than the alternative, The Normal Album

Falling Up, In Case I Make It

Against the Kitchen Floor, In Case I Make It

The Main Character, In Case I Make It

Memento Mori, The Normal Album

Laplace's Angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!), The Normal Album

I/Me/Myself, The Normal Album

Marsha, Thankk You for the Dialects, but I Need You To Leave, The Normal Album

BlackBoxWarrior - OKULTRA, The Normal Album

Suburbia Overture, The Normal Album

The Song With Five Names, Self-Ish

Mr. Capgras, Self-Ish

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con), Everything is a Lot

Dr. Sunshine is Dead, Self-Ish

Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!, Self-Ish

Aaannnddd if we're giving song recommendations, I also highly, HIGHLY recommend checking out his live stuff. Not just his live albums (those are fantastic though), but live performances recorded of him. They range from in-studio and professionally done recordings to somebody with a phone. I love them.

Here are some performances I recommended for one reason or another.

The entire BBQ show, as it shows off Will's character a lot as well as being fairly charming and fun (also good music)

Marsha Live in the Studio

Mr. Capgras (this one's I think something he did with patreon people)

Mr. Capgras/White Knuckle Jerk (WFMU radio)

Yeah that's about everything off the top of my head. See ya.

[adhdsix]

i gotta sleep soon so ive decided i will finally dump a buncha my headcanons here aswell adfhsf theyre all in here but im gonna copy paste them as a post as well because i wanna ill be updating the doc a lot but i probably wont edit the post much notes slight spoilers but not much? i dont think? mono is written to be the tallest because rcg is more like a bonus i guess? but she is the tallest + oldest (this goes for other similar things written abt six, mono and/or rk) some of these are more like what-if scenarios (ex. modern stuff mentioned like cars) that could fit maybe in an au of sorts rather than entirely canon all links are safe

Six

she/it/they

ADHD

Tasteblind, but sensitive to certain food textures

Shortest by a lot, youngest but not by much Zero sense of time

Likes lullabies, gets Mono to sing them to her (likes to make up her own versions sometimes) Short attention span, unless she’s insanely invested in something

Definitely bites ice cream Uses Mono like a cat tree, climbs all over him, loves to sit up on his shoulders or just literally drape herself around his neck like a scarf (Mono eventually gets used to it, but she still can’t stay there for long or it starts to hurt) (possibly a little random but think like .. them + )

Likes most toys but hates dolls, usually tears them apart/messes with them for fun Not a huge fan of rain, but the sound is calming, and she loves the aftermath, which includes the smell, dew on grass, just how everything looks, worms and snails coming out of hiding, and splashing in puddles

Likes teddy bears (big and cuddly, plus, reminds her of Mono)

You are not immune to her puppy eyes. Raincoat Girl is probably the only person who is

Collects things a lot, gets attached to certain items for a random amount of time When she learns a new phrase or word, she loves to repeat it to herself ( not really in the “ look at me i learned a new word and i'm gonna use it all the time “ type way, she just finds it entertaining, kinda like vocal stimming ) Does a similar thing when she finds something that someone else said funny, mocks them by repeating it and giggling

Likes making "nests" out of her stuff

Definitely occasionally runs on all fours, it's usually not for too long though.

Most of the time it’s momentarily while she's already in the middle of sprinting, to give herself a boost with a bound or two, or if she trips or feels herself falling forward while running she'll shift onto all fours which is is how she originally developed that "reflex", to prevent herself from falling while running, but eventually she started using it a little more often 

She can also just walk normally on all fours too but she usually only uses it while running 

She likes to show off her object collections to Mono, he’s very supportive :] Loves long car rides, as well as Runaway

Brings mono gifts (usually dead rats, birds, etc. or bizzare objects from her collection that reminded her of him for whatever reason)

Hates drinks like soda or sparkling water, anything fizzy is a no-no

Likes shiny things Her pupils widen (that cat thing) when she sees something interesting, or something/someone she likes Plus her eyes shine in the dark / in photos sometimes, they usually look red

Mono gave Six their lighter

Heterochromia, their right eye is a dark, reddish brown, the other is milky white

Always chewing on stuff

Fidgets lots, stim buddies with Mono Six stims by rocking on her feet, bouncing, cracking her fingers and shaking fists most often She also vocal stims lots, mostly by repeating animal noises

It’s got tons of freckles

She likes to sing, and is very good at it but doesnt get to very often

it’s favorite things to sing are hypno and sunshine ( 11:11 hypno, sunshine )

Not super into arts, but loves to draw, and is very fascinated by origami

Often refers to Mono as a nerd (affectionate) (also sometimes dork)

Purrs, growls, hisses etc. Because she doesn't talk much, she adapts more animal-like ways of communication, not only vocally but also physical stuff (slow blinking, headbutting stuff, mostly cat-like traits and reflexes. also she likes to drop stuff off of shelves and tables just bc its fun)

Doesn't know her own strength a lot of the time

Very touch starved (they all are) even if she doesn't realise it

Flinches and/or swats others away when touched Eventually they get used to Mono, he's the only person that can touch her at all, but she still has limits

No sense of others personal space though

She’s great at tracking things, mostly small animals

Super ticklish, not very happy that Mono found out 

Very visual memory

She really loves all types of music, ranges from things like 100 gecs type stuff, to calm instrumental kinda things, literally anything with maybe a few exceptions Shark teeth, very sharp, loves making dents in stuff with them

Cat-like claws too (retractable maybe?? why not.. it usually has them out though) Love-hate relationship with snow, they find it weird and kind of icky, but Mono teaches her how to make snow angels, forts and snowmen, and she loves snowball fights (Mono regrets teaching them about those though), plus she adores going back inside and just drinking hot chocolate with Mono and sometimes other friends :]  Mono he/she Tallest of the three, oldest as well  Colorblind He has vitiligo Loves all sorts if arts and crafts, often drags Six into making stuff with him Her hair is very soft, even if it doesn't look like it Very touchy-feely, with others and with objects Knows and respects others boundaries. Six does not He will often push his own boundaries though He’s very protective, usually feels the need to put others safety and health in front of her own A little naive, will protect even if she isn’t getting anything in return from the person(s) Likes skirts! Mono loves to learn about his friends and their personalities, strengths, weaknesses etc. to use for their own benefit! For example, he has a different way to cheer up each friend, and does his best to include them in stuff he thinks they'll also like Loves any happy sounding music the most, but listens to lots of other stuff too (a few songs that remind me of him not lyric-wise but like, sounds like he'd listen to them, are She Wants Me (to be loved), Dancing in my Room, Sunday Best and Sunkissed type stuff, I don’t know music genres so) Favorite drink is probably coffee Loves all sorts of soup!! Has lots of nicknames for Six! Mostly uses kitty and shortcake (it hates them but gets used to them, only from Mono though; some of the other kids use them to get on her nerves, doesn’t end well for them) Love loves bugs! Six likes them too, but isn't as interested as Mono and Runaway (she likes to eat them) Runaway he/they Almost as tall as Mono, noticable difference though He loves chocolate milk and tea Probably the most reasonable out of the three Despite this, he still likes to annoy them (mostly Six) Similarly to Six, he sucks at keeping track of the time Likes goldfish snacks a lot His nomes are always nearby when he is Really likes coloring books and puzzles They love the sound of pianos, not the best at playing it but likes messing with them in his free time with Six (their rare bonding moments) Loves any instruments really, pianos are just his favorite Has the biggest sweet tooth Also loves bugs!! Mono and him are bug buddies His favorite bugs are caterpillars and butterflies, he isn’t a very big fan of spiders though (Mono didn’t used to mind them, but after the hand incidents in the hospital, he finds them icky; too similar) Bonus; RCG  she/they Tallest as well as oldest (again, not oldest by much though) Big sister vibes Super supportive Usually in charge of keeping others in line, doesn’t mind a little chaos here and there though (even if it doesn’t usually end well) Also has a few freckles, not nearly as much as Six Lots of energy that often rubs off on the others when she’s around Probably the most responsible, great with kids younger than her Loves teaching the others how to do stuff, has the longest attention span which makes it easier Very playful and teasing, but still knows and respects boundaries when it comes to that kinda stuff Gets easily stressed out and nervous when she doesn't know what to do, as she feels like she always has to be responsible aaaand thats all 4 now! i might do more characters like comic kids if i get enough ideas but thatll be in the doc if i ever do pleas share with me ur hcs and ideas too!!!! if u wanna i would love 2 see them!!

[maticide666]

my eurovision top 39 songs (finally)

anyway i finally got my top 39 completed. under a read more because it can get kinda long with the commentary i added klfdja;sflk (and by that i mean VERY long, maybe a wall of text if i have a lot to say about the song.)

none of this takes rehearsals into account.

basically, 39-37 i don't like, 36-35 are meh, 34-25 are decent, 24-18 are good, 17-12 i enjoy listening to a lot, 11-4 i love, and I would pay for votes for top 3 if i could.

39. Azerbaijan - Efendi - Mata Hari - Honestly, I kinda want to like this song. The instrumentation is nice, especially with the Azeri instruments. Efendi's vocals are ok during the verses. However, her vocals during the MA-MA-MA-MATA HARI part makes this song utterly unlistenable for me. It is just so distracting and ear-grating. Not great for my sensitive ears. And that is without taking anything else into account.

38. Estonia - Uku Suviste - The Lucky One - For some reason reminds me of a boring modern country song. Bland af. At least the melody of the chorus is nice.

37. Cyprus - Elena Tsagrinou - El Diablo - Discount Lady Gaga at the best points of this song. Feels like three songs at once. Also, the lyrics seem like they just went all "What Spanish-sounding words sound spicy? Taco? Tamale? Mamacita?" As a Spanish speaker and as someone of Mexican descent who enjoys those foods, this annoys the living shit out of me. At least I can make El Diablo/Fallen Angel memes out of this. (Honestly, I don't mind the gratuitous Spanish with the words El Diablo.) Also, this song got real old real quick.

36. Slovenia - Ana Soklič - Amen - The gospel vibe is nice, but there is just too much Christianity in it for me to enjoy this song. Sorry, Ana.

35. Moldova - Natalia Gordienko - Sugar - Sounds like a sugary version of Siren Song by MARUV. Kinda boring, but enjoyable in the right circumstances.

34. Georgia - Tornike Kipiani - You - Good to listen to when mind feels blank. At first I kinda liked this song, but nowadays this song has lost its charm. This won't sound out of place alongside boring 70s slow classic rock songs.

33. Austria - Vincent Bueno - Amen - Not something I would listen to regularly, but still nice. For me, easily the biggest downgrade from 2020.

32. Greece - Stefania - Last Dance - Pleasant to listen to, not much else.

31. Portugal - The Black Mamba - Love Is On My Side - Good song, but not my cup of tea. Unfortunately, some great songs have to be near the bottom of my ranking.

30. Germany - Jendrik - I Don't Feel Hate - A fun song to listen to. The novelty wears off after a while. The feel good vibes and ukulele are nice.

29. Israel - Eden Alene - Set Me Free - the song release version was bland and boring, but the revamp. Now THAT is good stuff. The song doesn't seem so empty anymore. I miss the key change from the original, though.

28. Spain - Blas Cantó - Voy A Quedarme - A very emotional and beautiful song from Spain. Again, not usually my cup of tea. However, the melody somehow gives me a nostalgic vibe.

27. North Macedonia - Vasil - Here I Stand - DAMN Vasil has a lovely voice. Nice that he's showing it off here. Too slow of a song for me to enjoy regularly, though.

26. Albania - Anxhela Peristeri - Karma - I don't have much to say other than this song is nice.

25. Bulgaria - VICTORIA - Growing Up Is Getting Old - Pleasant to listen to, but depending on my mood I think this is a beautiful song but not my cup of tea or a complete snoozefest.

24. Serbia - Hurricane - Loco Loco - Fun song, but it feels like something is lacking, and I can't quite put my finger on it.

23. San Marino - Senhit - Adrenalina - Once the initial hype from Flo Rida being on the song died down, this became another typical Eurovision bop.

22. Sweden - Tusse - Voices - At first I thought the song was completely unremarkable and couldn't understand how this won Melodifestivalen. Nowadays it's a nice song to chill to. I gotta respect a perfect televote score from the national final.

21. Ireland - Lesley Roy - MAPS - nice.

20. Croatia - Albina - Tick Tock - Grew on me slightly. Shoutout for including a verse in Croatian.

19. Switzerland - Gjon's Tears - Tout l'Univers - Another grower for me. Doesn't hit as hard as his song from last year, but I dig it.

18. France - Barbara Pravi - Voilà - Lovely chanson right here. I wish it didn't take forever to pick up, though. I was about to completely give up on this song in the middle of my first listen. I'm glad I didn't.

17. Belgium - Hooverphonic - The Wrong Place - Classy. Not much else to say.

16. Ukraine - Go-A - Shum - I'd definitely go rave to this song. I kept finding this song hard to rank due to the white voice. I couldn't decide if I absolutely adored it or if I found it grating. Maybe I just wasn't feeling well when I first thought about it.

15. Lithuania - The Roop - Discoteque - Lots of fun, doesn't have the charm that On Fire had last year. I would dance to this song.

14. Poland - RAFAŁ - The Ride - I actually kinda like this song???? Even with Rafal's vocals??? I know he has political controversies, but I can't help but think this song is nice. A better, less controversial singer would benefit this song, though. I'm not counting the revamp just yet since it was released too recently.

13. Latvia - Samanta Tīna - The Moon Is Rising - This song gives me nostalgic mid to late 2000s hip hop vibes. The guitars in this song are lovely.

12. Romania - ROXEN - Amnesia - Definitely something that can put me in a trance if I'm in the right mood.

11. Czechia - Benny Cristo - omaga - Nice, catchy, I would dance to this.

10. Malta - Destiny - Je Me Casse - Damn, Destiny has a lovely voice! And the song itself is wonderful. I'm not a fan of the amount of Swedish talent being used instead of Maltese talent, but I really do enjoy listening to this.

9. Denmark - Fyr og Flamme - Øve Os På Hinanden - another really fun song! This really grew on me. Nowadays if I want to listen to a Eurovision song, this is one of the first songs I think of.

8. The Netherlands - Jeangu Macrooy - Birth of a New Age - I can vibe with this. You can hear the passion in this song. I wish I could let my body do the talking right now, but y'all can't see that with just a tumblr text post.

7. Russia - Manizha - Russian Woman - I was NOT expecting this to come out of Russia when it won the national final. I wasn't expecting to like this either. The message is great, the instrumental is great, everything about this is brilliant.

6. United Kingdom - James Newman - Embers - A funky song. I LOVE James's voice. Massive upgrade from last year in my opinion. I'm a sucker for brass in an upbeat song. Unfortunately, I have had the staging kinda spoiled and I am VERY skeptical about this coming out of bottom five. I'm done with the BBC.

5. Australia - Montaigne - Technicolour - There is a Lot happening in this song and I am all in for it. I'm kinda terrible at parsing lyrics, but it's a non-issue when I can follow Montaigne's voice and forget about the lyrics. Ironically enough, it's Montaigne's voice that also worries me this Eurovision season - mostly whether she was able to pull off her live on tape performance off.

4. Iceland - Daði og Gagnamagnið - 10 Years - I didn't think Daði could pull it off against this year, but he did it. I like this just a little more than Think About Things, which was my favorite song last year. I'm still a little gutted that this pandemic robbed him of a probable victory, but I've made peace with it. I still need to learn the dance moves, though.

3. Italy - Måneskin - Zitti E Buoni - FUCK YEAH A KICKASS ROCK SONG IN EUROVISION! This song gave me massive rock en español vibes on my fist listen, and honestly this is something I would bang my head to if I had the same body I did when I was 15.

2. Norway - TIX - Fallen Angel - I was not expecting to like this song much, let alone becoming THIS obsessed with TIX. In fact, he wasn't even on my radar for winning MGP. I listened to Ut Av Mørket for the first time and thought something like 'this is boring af, but at least it's in Norwegian'. And then he changed it to English, which I wasn't a fan of at first. And then one day the lyrics clicked - especially with my own struggles with mental illness. To this day this is one of only two Eurovision songs to actually make me cry. Even now he still isn't my MGP winner (that honor goes to JORN), but he has definitely won my heart.

1. Finland - Blind Channel - Dark Side - To say that this song kicks ass would be an understatement for me. This song has just the right mix of rock, pop, and even metal. Ever since I found out that this song would be in the national final, I knew that it would be my favorite this whole Eurovision season regardless of who won UMK. Yes, my jaw dropped when I saw the lead Blind Channel had in UMK. I literally cancelled my plans to watch the MGP final live because of these guys. I am not disappointed. Even Måneskin couldn't bring these guys down in my ranking. And while the lyrics might be a bit iffy, they did get me through rough times. I hope these guys are able to bring rock music back like they want to. But for now, I will give them my (useless tbh) douze points.

[clumsyclifford]

bella hello how about nothing personal and lover for the album asks? -taylor <3

TAYLOR hello!!!! you make FANTASTIC choices that are going to be SUPREMELY difficult to assess, unsurprisingly.

nothing personal - all time low (i'm going to answer this for both og np (2009) and isnp (2019) because my answers are different)

the first song from this album I heard: from isnp it would've been weightless since i believe i listened to it in order when it came out. from og np, i have no idea. like zero clue. probably weightless as well.

do I own the album?: nope :) i think i own a grand total of like two albums. i don't buy albums. i'm a gen z kid i stream shit now

my favorite song: okay well. WELL. from og np, maybe break your little heart. from isnp, i fucking LOVE weightless, although isnp damned is super sexy and isnp a party song gets points for alex saying fuck with his whole chest

my least favorite song: i think............i think it's keep the change. for both albums. it's a good fun song but it's just........it doesn't measure up

a song I didn’t like at first, but now do: isnp lost in stereo has grown on me a bit from when i first heard it and the shouty backing vocals put me off. also my isnp damned lovefest is a relatively recent development, prior to which i kinda felt neutral about damned. now i'm like. i would die for this song. i want to be clear though that this is only about isnp damned. og np damned is still just eh. ESPECIALLY in comparison.

a song I used to like, but now don’t: i HATE the phrasing of this question it's more like a song i used to like and now like slightly less, and i could say a couple songs here. i definitely used to love hello brooklyn a lottt and now i feel less strongly about it. and therapy as well.

my favorite lyric: "take it slow, 'cause i can't be on my own" from the bridge of too much. the bridge of too much takes that song from like a 5 to a 10 for me. so yeah

overall rating out of 10: 8/10 this shit slaps

lover - taylor swift

the first song from this album I heard: you know i don't really remember. but i think it was lover......or you need to calm down...........i feel like it had to have been one of those.

do I own the album?: nope

my favorite song: HNHGNNHKMJ my answer to this question changes constantly. right now, cornelia street. i think.

my least favorite song: i listen to soon you'll get better the least by a landslide but that's just because it makes me sad. also because what a bullshit way to feature the chicks. false god might be my actual least favorite

a song I didn’t like at first, but now do: i didn't really know afterglow and now i do and i really like it alsoooo honestly cornelia street was never a big one for me and then suddenly it was

a song I used to like, but now don’t: i got on an i think he knows kick this past spring and i listened to it a gazillion times so all ill say is i could probably go a little while without hearing that song again. just so my brain can. recover.

my favorite lyric: impossible question! here are a few: "i ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright, they say 'i don't know'" from death by a thousand cuts / "i'm new york city; i still do it for you, babe" from false god / the entire bridge of daylight and the entire bridge of cruel summer and the entire bridge of cornelia street / "devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes" also from cruel summer / "you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes" from miss americana and the heartbreak prince / "and baby, i get mystified by how this city screams your name" from cornelia street. hope this helps <3

overall rating out of 10: 9.5/10 this is among my favorite albums ever

send me an album!

[idio-cies]

JATP- Wake Up Dissection

“Wake Up” is structured like a conversation between Julie and her Mother. 

Not only did her Mother (I think we are all agreed on Rose here?) write it for her, knowing that Julie will have a tough time, but she left gaps for Julie to fill. Julie is Rose’s legacy, by Julie filling in the gaps, she is continuing the memory of her mother. This is what Julie realises; she can keep her mother “alive” with music- which figuratively is what Luke, Reggie and Alex experience, and also how Julie “awakens” them in the first place is by playing their music. Anyway. This is about JULIE.

Just a PSA. Wake up is the first song I listened to before I watched the show so I could see if I wanted to watch it or not. Madison absolutely blew me away with her vocals, she has that raw talent that you just can’t autotune to make it that way. That is what had me sold, along with the meaning of this song etc. The raw piano throughout this is one of the reasons why I love this song as well.

This song is so emotionally driven and deep. I have seen people compare it to Unsaid Emily. They do contrast, but mostly point out how Unsaid Emily is possibly more upsetting. Wake Up is emotional, because the journey Julie has in this one song counteracts the sadness, it is meant to make you feel warmer and happier because that is literally what it’s doing for Julie; it is revitalising her!

Anyway the song!

The feel of the keys- She does this in her audition as well, showing how emotionally painful it is.

The piano in this is just beautifully powerful, if you could imagine listening to this as an instrumental, you can almost imagine that the sun is rising… it starts off like nature is waking up, it really is special. Julie’s expressions are so key as well.

“Here’s the one thing that I want you to know, you got someplace to go”- this is her mum telling her that she has talent and that she can see her going far in this pursuit of music. Her Mum is giving her advice in this song. Julie is focused on her mother’s words

“Life’s a test, yes, but you go toe-to-toe”- This is pretty self-explanatory. You take life one step at a time, even if it is cumbersome. Julie smiles a little at this, it’s a little bit of rhetoric, as she knows life is tough. 

“You don’t give up, no, you grow”- Julie did give up, she was very close to giving up all together because it was too much for her. But Rose here is giving her that little extra push and love telling her that she will be alright and it’s all part of life. 

“And you use your pain, ‘cause it makes you you”- The expression “it's not what the pain is, it’s how you deal with it” comes into mind. How one responds to pain is what determines what type of person you are. Julie did run away from it, she wasn’t yet ready to face it and move forward. She was letting grief rule her, but Rose here is telling her that pain; adversity can be a blessing. It can make you stronger and brighter. Also look at Julie’s expressions here, she is thinking it over and considering them. She is listening and feeling her mother’s words

“Though I wish I could hold you through it”- This is where it is most prominent (other than the fact that Rose left this song for Julie in the first place) that they all knew her mother was going to pass away. So it was a terminal illness. She is sorry that she is going, but she is trying to give her life and a meaning to keep going in response, because she knows what talent Julie has, and knew how Julie would respond I imagine, hence why she left the song for her. Julie looks up at this point and this is where she chokes up a little. This phrase has a deep connection to when Julie is outside the Orpheum and asks for Rose to hold her and tell her everything will be okay.

“I know it’s not the same, you’ve got living to do, and I just want you to do it” I like how straightforward Rose is though. She knows that physically being there is what is wanted, but she is hoping to get Julie to realise that wallowing in her grief will not allow herself to live a good life that she is destined to have, which is what she needs. 

“So get up, get out, relight that spark.” - Julie suddenly becomes very serious and determined in this moment. She got the heartwarming speech, and now she is being told directly to literally “get up”. This just speaks a lot to me. I’m a lucky person who has a good relationship with my mum, I know not everyone does. But you know when you go through pitfalls throughout life, whether its a scrape of the knee when you’re young, a breakup or fallout, a depressive episode, or not knowing where life is headed for you and you just have a sob and  you wish for your mum (or dad) to be there to just give you a hug and give soothing words, then when you’ve calmed down they tell you that you can continue because they know you are capable, but they urge you on so you realise that for yourself. I can’t imagine losing that. My mum lost her mum last year. They had a rocky relationship to begin with, but ended up with a good relationship and ever since then I realised how much pain my mum must’ve been in, so I very much bawled at this song. 

That little soothing and then the short words of “get up, get out” is what Julie needed. Julie clearly had security from her parents, but she needed a bit more of a push. Interestingly the “soothing” words is the approach that her Dad tries and probably Mr. Turner, which she did not appreciate. Julie also pointed out how she felt everyone around her treated her life she was about to snap. They were being too soft on her, so this little push is what she needed.

“You know the rest by heart”- Rose knows Julie is talented, and that Julie will know what to do when she comes to it. This is the turning point.

“Wake up, wake up if it’s all you do”- I identify this as referring to depression, something that you will no doubt feel when a loved one passes away. Sometimes it’s very hard to just wake up and get out of bed, so the fact that Rose tells her to “wake up if it’s all you do” is something that speaks to me, and also links to when she was saying about taking things a step at a time. 

I need to go off a minute on the cinematography here! First we get the piano which is Julie’s instrument that she inherited(?) from her mother, and the fact that we see it in the dark, and as it progressively gets lighter is another symbol of saying “This is a reflection of Julie” and how the light is coming back into her. 

Then a totally different angle with the sun rising as it literally lights the room. Julie literally reawakens the room with her music. She brings life back into the room (remember when she talks to Emily about how magical and good the studio is). This angle as well makes it look like Julie is some kind of avenging angel. It is meant to isolate her, but it does the exact opposite. You have absolutely no feeling of isolation or sadness. If there was this angle at the beginning then yes it would, but the addition of the sun makes it warm and welcoming.

“It’s not what you lost, it’s what you’ll gain raising your voice to the rain”- It’s all about the strength that Julie will gain from her loss. “Raising your voice to the rain” Is such a beautiful line for many reasons. There is a metaphor of whatever Julie creates, is beautiful. I also interpret: Rain can be loud, and metaphorically speaking when you are “grey” or a “clouded mind” you are depressed and that can make your head feel loud and this line is saying to go above that. “Raising” as the sun is raising is very significant. It is “relighting” Julie and that she is the sun breaking through the “rain”. The Sunrise is also symbolic for new beginnings as well. But the rain can be a good thing; it means there is life and nourishment. Julie has found life to herself after the rain, as sun and water are needed in order for a plant to GROW. I mean the plants are literally all behind Julie...

Also I can’t help but think about how the sun and rain work together in this, and there are A LOT of rainbows in this show. I mean I know we have Alex, but there is only one around him and that’s his bracelet which is meant to tell us “This dude’s gay” the other rainbows are something else. 

“Wake up your dream and make it true”- telling her to re-establish her dream, and go for it.

“Look out, look inside of you”- repeat, but this is where we see Ray along with “It’s not what you lost” and I just love that they added her family in. Ray was the one who didn’t want to push her, but was always there to encourage and support her. I added this in with “It’s not what you lost” because I think you can also associate it to her family. He lost too and he was losing another part of Rose with Julie and the instruments and he didn’t want Julie to hurt anymore. He must’ve been so proud of her to just sit at that piano.

“Relight that spark, time to come out of the dark”- a variation of what Rose has already said to Julie, but really hammering home the constant symbolism of Julie being the “spark”. Again, I like how straightforward she is being “Time to come out of the dark”. It’s been a year at this time with Julie and she is at a crossroads, but the song isn’t pushing her so far, it’s literally just like giving her the matches and she’s the one that needs to take one out and light it. 

“Better wake those demons, better look them in the eye”- trample on those demons girl, you’ve got this. I can’t tell whether this is Julie, or Rose. I think it’s Julie considering the rest of the verse. This is ironic. You would expect demons to be “awake” at night, but this song is talking about coming out of the dark, so she is basically bringing light to her flaws/pain, not letting them haunt her and owning them.

“No reason not to try”- she shouldn’t hold herself back because there shouldn’t be anything hindering her. Look at her though! She is enjoying this so much.

“Life can be a mess, I won’t let it cloud my mind”- It is literally Julie’s response to what Rose was telling her about life being a test etc. Julie is embracing it now and she will stand up to fight.

“I’ll let my fingers fly”- I like this. Julie is linked to butterflies (another rebirth symbol), but also with music much of it comes from your fingers anyway by playing instruments or writing music etc., so I just thought this was cute.

“And I use the pain, ‘cause it’s part of me. And I’m ready to power through it”- again responding directly from what her mother told her to use the strength from pain as it makes her who she is. Also just look at how much power and emotion she is putting into these lyrics. She knows she is ready to go forward. She arrived at that herself, she could’ve stopped, or not responded, but she knows. 

“Gonna find the strength, find the melody. ‘Cause you showed me how to do it”- Her mother is within her, she is the one who taught her, but ultimately Julie will ride to her own beat, carrying the memory and legacy of her mother. 

Repeat of the chorus, but she looks up again on “you know the rest by heart”, however, this time it’s  as if she was saying thank you with power and strength under her belt. Julie completely gives herself over to the music as well

I also like that they included Carlos also admiring Julie, he clearly was also proud of her for picking up music again, and I just… I know there wasn’t terribly much with Julie and Carlos but it just shows you how much he looks up to her. Plus, this probably makes him reminisce about his mother in the best possible way as well. Carlos and Ray are kind of the same in this instance, though I would argue to say that Ray was more emotional, Carlos is just more content. 

“So wake that Spirit, spirit”- I do think this is ironic, because of the Phantoms, as well as it being Julie’s spirit inside of her. Julie did ignite the guys’ spirits, metaphorically and physically. Listening to their music is what brought them back, but their spirit for music and being able to connect was also reignited. I mean she literally rises up like a “spirit” in this moment...

“I wanna hear it, hear it” At this point Julie looks up, like she is singing so loud, she wants her mum to hear it. I think these are Rose’s words once again and is the reason Julie is belting up.

“No need to fear it, you’re not alone” Definitely Rose’s words, another reiteration of what has been said previously. Julie has always had the support of her family and Flynn, but she also now has the support of the guys who were the ones who also prodded her to reawakening her music (Luke says about how playing music made him feel alive again and any musician would revell in how it would feel to get it back. This is what gets Julie thinking and what she feels during this song), and literally supported her on stage for the sake of supporting her (see bright performance).

“You’re going to find your way home”- the reassurance of Rose’s words at the beginning after telling her to get up and get out there. There is also a safe space for her to reside

This moment is just so powerful, she has fully succumbed to the music. The sun behind her with the plants and the glass. I just can’t help but feel like this is a sense of refraction because of when I was talking about the rain and sun making rainbows, but anyway. This scene is just beautiful because you just know that they are telling us that she has awoken and that her voice is a gift. That Julie is the light shining as well. It changes angle, and it was not until the third time I watched this song did I notice you see tear stains. She’s smiling, but those tear stains just tell me of the journey she made solely through that song alone, how she would’ve been crying because of the pain but also just crying from elation and figuring out what she has to do with her mother’s gift to her of music. 

This last chorus has “when you feel lost, relight that spark” and I just find it interesting that it pans to Luke with “when you feel lost”. This is important as he felt lost when he regretted running away, and how Julie and Luke’s story are connected in a similar way. Julie “lost” her music and Luke “lost” his chance at repair. But anyway, it’s still all the same message of “you will find your way back, just believe in yourself and your ability because you have the power to be great.”

How she ends it though, is just pure joy. As she should, she is clearly proud of herself as well, and I can’t imagine how much relief she must have felt after she took that stride. 

I also think that having the guys standing behind her with the light is meant to signify how they are behind her; they are a part of her support and will help her in her path to greatness.

Madison is amazing and I still can’t believe this is her first time acting. She executed it perfectly, from the emotion in her face, body language to her voice.

And then it reveals that Rose left a message for her. “Julie, you can do it <3  Love, Mom” and that is where you wail. Her mother believes in her so much and it’s honestly just so beautiful.

This has been my dissection of “Wake Up”

I hope I haven’t broken too many people

[deancas-fanfiction]

Hardest Part is Letting Go

Part 3/7

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Fic Summary: Upon his diagnosis of a terminal illness, Dean vows to spend the rest of his short life with Cas by his side, completing his bucket list while learning what it really means to live and love.

Chapter Summary: Dean and Cas cross another item off Dean's bucket list by embarking on a road trip for Sam's law school graduation.

Part 1 Part 2

available on ao3

“Can you believe it? Sam Winchester: attorney at law.” Dean mused.

“Or Sam Winchester, Esquire.” Cas offered.

Dean snorted and shook his head, throwing another flannel in his suitcase. “He’s a big fancy lawyer now. My baby brother is all grown up.”

“Well, he is twenty-seven. I imagine he’s been ‘all grown up’ for some time now,” Cas joked.

“Yeah, I suppose when he married Jess that ship kind of sailed, huh?”

“I suppose.” Cas agreed with a faint smile. He zipped his suitcase and sat on their bed, watching Dean throw another wrinkled shirt in his bag. “Are you really not going to fold that?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Cas. It’s a t-shirt. I think it will be fine.”

“What about your nice shirt for his graduation?” He eyed Dean and took in the way he avoided meeting his eyes. “Please tell me you’re packing a nice shirt for his graduation.”

“It’s a graduation ceremony, Cas! I don’t need a suit. Remember his college graduation? Most people were dressed casually.”

“And remember when Jess booked us all a reservation at that French restaurant afterward? The host made you go home and change because you didn’t meet the dress code. Besides, I’m willing to bet Jess will make another fancy reservation for celebrations after the ceremony.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll bring a nice button-down. But I’m not wearing a suit,” He warned.

Cas held his hands up in mock surrender. “I would never dream of making you wear one.”

Dean threw the nearest button-down on the top of his suitcase and began zipping it up. He only paused when he heard Cas wince.

“It’s going to wrinkle, Dean!”

Dean stepped back and scratched his jaw, letting out a sigh. “Okay, new plan: I’ll leave the room and make us some dinner. This allows you to completely repack my suitcase the way you like, and I won’t even complain about it.” 

Cas grinned, happy with the outcome. “Deal!”

Dean kissed the top of his head and left the room, mumbling something about how a few wrinkles wouldn’t hurt anyone, which Cas pointedly chose to ignore. He then dumped out the contents of Dean’s suitcase and methodically began folding and repacking the luggage.

As predicted, autumn was fleeting and quickly turned into a cold and brutal winter. It was only early December, but the wind was biting and the snow ruthless. When Dean and Cas learned that Sam was graduating from law school a semester early, they were ecstatic. Mostly because Sam was the male equivalent of Elle Woods by graduating from law school top of his class, but also because they get to trade the incessant cold of Kansas for the sunny warmth of California.

The timing of his graduation was perfect, actually. Dean’s symptoms remained stagnant for the last two months and were completely manageable with the help of his medications. If Sam hadn’t taken those extra summer classes the last two years, he would actually be graduating in May and Cas wasn’t so sure if Dean could make that cross-country trek six months from now. But he pushed that thought from his mind and returned to the task at hand.

They originally planned on flying to California for the graduation, but then Cas had a stroke of genius. Remembering item six on Dean’s list, he suggested turning it into a road trip. For as long as Cas has known him, Dean dreamed of road tripping along the historic Route 66, which begins in Chicago and ends in Los Angeles; and suddenly all of the pieces fit into place. They would join Route 66 in Oklahoma, just four hours away from Lawrence. Then they’d follow the route all the way to L.A., arriving just in time for Sam’s graduation from UCLA. After he proposed the idea, Dean was completely on board and already mapping out the best stops for pie and burgers along the way. 

Cas finished with Dean’s suitcase and quickly returned his attention back to his own bag. He double-checked he had everything packed, including a small wooden box hidden at the bottom with a certain piece of jewelry inside. Satisfied with the completion of his mental checklist, Cas zipped the bags and followed the scent of dinner to the kitchen.

-----

“Dean.” Cas groaned, his voice rough and gravelly from sleep. “Must we leave at such an obscene hour?”

Dean chuckled and shut his car door. “According to the schedule that you made, we need to drive about twelve hours today to make it on time. I’m just following your orders, babe.”

“The sun isn’t even up yet,” Cas whined, slumping in the seat.

“Here, this will help.” Dean handed him a large thermos with coffee and started the engine. The engine purred beneath him and Dean couldn’t help but let out a quiet sigh. It always felt so good to get behind the wheel of his baby. He put the car into gear and pulled out of their driveway, heading towards the open road.

He glanced over at Cas as he took a large gulp of coffee. His hair was sticking out in all directions, making it clear Cas didn’t even attempt to smooth it down today. He smiled at the grumpy expression on Cas’s face and turned his attention back to the road, drumming his fingers on the wheel.

The first hour of the drive was quiet. They headed south to hop onto Route 66 in Oklahoma. While they weren’t making the official Route 66 trek by beginning in Chicago, Dean was completely fine with that. He’d spent most of his life in the Midwest, he didn’t need to backtrack just to see the flat landscape he was already familiar with. The radio was playing softly as Dean and Cas both took the time to wake up for the day. As Cas pointed out, it was still dark so there were few cars on the road. It was actually a rather peaceful start to the day. 

As soft colors began to replace the dark sky, Cas’s mood began to turn around as the caffeine entered his system. He hummed along with the radio and watched the snow-covered trees quickly pass by. The pastel pinks and oranges from the rising sun reflected off the white snow, creating a warm glow. At that thought, he turned and leaned his back against the passenger door so he was facing Dean.

“You know, at first I was disappointed with the timing of the road trip. I didn’t think the drive would be very picturesque in December. I always thought fall or summer would be the opportune time to go.” He paused, looking back out the window. “But this is actually really nice. Everything is so still and quiet.”

“Well, by the time we get farther west it will feel like summer anyway. So, we’ll get a little bit of both.”

“That’s true,” Cas mused. “We should have done a road trip like this a long time ago.”

“We were always too busy with life. You had summers off, but that’s when the shop got the busiest for me. We just never made the time to slow down and experience things like this.” Dean observed. “Not that being so busy was a bad thing. We both loved our jobs, but we always said, ‘there will be a better time’ or ‘maybe next year.’ But now…well we don’t really have that privilege, do we?”

“I suppose not,” Cas sighed sadly.

“On a positive note, I’m glad that now we’re making the time for things like this.”

“Me, too.” He murmured, attempting a smile.

“Hey,” Dean said softly. “Stop that.”

“Sorry, I don’t like thinking about how we can no longer make long-term plans.”

“Then don’t think about it.”

“You know it’s not that easy.”

“Yeah, yeah I get it. But right now, I’m here, okay?” Dean tore a hand away from the steering wheel and intertwined it with Cas’s. “Focus on that. When your mind starts wandering to those thoughts, shut it down and focus on the now. Because these moments right here, these are the ones I want you to look back on and I only want you to remember how happy we are. I don’t want this last year tainted with sadness. Can you do that for me?”

Cas nodded and squeezed Dean’s hand. The gesture said more than he could vocalize at the moment. Cas had never cared for anyone as much he does for Dean. He always thought that finding Dean and experiencing that all-consuming, world-shattering love with him was like some kind of reward for surviving the first shitty eighteen years of his life. But now that Cas knows their time together is limited, he can’t help but feel like the punchline to some kind of cosmic joke.

He shook his head and slowly exhaled, turning his attention on Dean’s advice to focus on the positives. Dean is next to him right now and that’s all that matters. He has his left hand draped on the steering wheel with his right intertwined with Cas’s; and despite the heavy conversation, he still has a genuine smile on his face. It’s the kind of smile that lights up his whole face, giving him a youthful glow regardless of the crinkles at the corners of his eyes. Cas returned his smile with a genuine one this time.

“We’re doing this all wrong, you know.” Cas states, changing the subject.

“Doing what wrong?” Dan asks quizzically.

“Your bucket list item. It said, ‘road trip with a kickass playlist.’ We’re currently road-tripping listening to a subpar radio station. Not really the same thing.”

“No,” He agreed. “I suppose it isn’t the same thing. Grab a tape out of the glove box, will ya?”

“I know you have very strict rules which state that the driver picks the music, but you’ll have to make an exception for this one instance.” Cas held up a cassette tape he dug out of his own jacket pocket which read ‘Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx.’

Dean grinned. “That is always an exception. Pop it in.”

He inserted the tape into the player and turned the volume up a little higher. The opening notes to Immigrant Song played out and Cas settled into his seat, letting the music wash over him.

“Remember when I gave this to you?” Dean baited.

“We were fighting,” Cas laughed.

“Over something stupid.”

“Big surprise there.”

“God, I don’t even remember what the fight was about anymore.”

“I do. You –” Cas caught himself off. “You know what, it doesn’t matter.”

“Good save, Cas.”

Cas smirked. “You hadn’t talked to me all day. I was reading in the living room and you stomped in, dropped it on my lap and just walked away.”

“This was early in our relationship. I was bad at communicating! This was the best way I could tell you I was an idiot and that I was sorry.”

“Well, it obviously worked. I went for a drive and listened to it. I forgave you by the time this first song was over.”

“It’s only a two-minute song, Cas.”

“Exactly my point. I never have much resolve when it comes to staying mad at you, do I?”

“I suppose not,” Dean acknowledged. “Besides, that was a pretty romantic move on my part.”

“Yes, it was. If I hadn’t already been so in love with you at that point, I’m sure the mixtape would have sealed that deal.”

“So, what you’re saying is I should have made you a mixtape right after I met you?”

“I’m pretty sure from the moment I met you, I knew you were someone special, Dean.”

Dean flushed at that statement and he felt the tips of his ears turn pink. At this point in their relationship, he’d grown accustomed to how forward Cas can be, but it still has quite an impact on him. “Yeah, I thought the same about you,” He murmured.

Cas beamed at him, showing the whites of his teeth and leaned over to plant a quick kiss on his cheek. At that exact moment, the song ended and switched into Good Times Bad Times. Dean cranked it up and sang loudly along with Cas.

I know what it means to be alone

I sure do wish I was at home

I don't care what the neighbors say

I'm gonna love you each and every day

You can feel the beat within my heart

Realize, sweet babe, we ain't ever gonna part

Yeah, this moment here is the exact reason he put this item on his bucket list.

In no time, they were cruising on Route 66 heading west towards New Mexico, their destination for the night. When they stopped to grab gas and snacks a few miles back, Cas grabbed a handful of Route 66 brochures and had been thoughtfully studying them ever since.

“Anything good?” Dean asked, rather amused at his boyfriend’s total infatuation with the tourist gimmick.

“Did you know that Route 66 was commissioned in 1926 but wasn’t fully paved until 1938? Then in 1985, it was decertified a U.S. highway. Originally it was 2,448 miles in 1926 but now it totals 2,278 miles from beginning to end.”

Dean hummed in response, not daring to interrupt Cas. He learned it’s best to let Cas get it out of his system.

“You know, there’s a place called ‘Cadillac Ranch’ in Texas. We could stop there! We’re pretty close.” He chirped, bringing Dean’s attention back to the conversation.

“A Cadillac ranch?” Dean grimaced. “What is that?”

“It’s a public art sculpture of ten Cadillac’s buried nose-first in the ground.” Cas paused for a moment. “Actually, that doesn’t sound very appealing at all.”

Dean chuckled. “Thank God. I was wondering how I was going to talk you out of it.”

“Are there any stops along the way you want to make?”

“Cas, I’m in this for the driving and for the company. I don’t need to stop at niche tourist stops unless it’s something you really want to do.”

“I just want to make sure you get the full road trip experience!”

“To me, the full road trip experience is exactly what we got going: good music, good conversation, and my car. I don’t need anything else; I promise.”

“If you say so,” Cas’s lips turned up at the corner, in a smile that Dean recognized as pure contentment.

The rest of their drive sped by as they joked, sang along to the music, and reminisced as songs played that reminded them of different points in their lives. Soon enough, they were pulling into Santa Rosa, New Mexico where they decided to call it for a night. They found a mediocre chain hotel with vacancy and pulled off the road. At that point they had been in the car for a little over twelve hours and were in desperate need of some space to stretch out. Driving long distances used to be much easier. Now Dean’s joints popped as he stepped out of the Impala and his legs felt uncomfortably stiff.

Dean checked them in as Cas went to grab dinner. The original plan was to grab food and drinks to celebrate a successful first day, but Dean could feel the exhaustion weighing him down. So, Cas volunteered to pick up takeout instead. After throwing his and Cas’s bags down on the floor, Dean collapsed on the bed. Instantly he longed for his memory foam as the springs of the cheap mattress poked against his back. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure it would be a big enough problem to keep him awake as he was so damn tired.

As he was beginning to nod off, he heard the door to the room click open and was met with the intoxicating smell of greasy takeout.  

“Honey, I’m home!” Cas greeted cheerfully. “And I brought pie.”

Dean shot up from his spot on the bed and kissed Cas in thanks. “God, I love you.”

“Are you talking to me or the food?”

“Why not both?” He asked, his mouth already full of fries.

“Touché.” Cas laughed and began digging in as well. He joined Dean on the bed, with their knees touching as he flipped on the television and found a movie for them to watch. They ate in a peaceful quiet, both engrossed in the movie.

Once the food was gone and the slices of pie were eaten, they both began tiredly stripping down to their boxers.

Dean watched with a different form of hunger in his eyes as Cas undressed.

“I can feel you watching me.” He chided, bending over to put his discarded clothes back in his bag.

“Of course, I am. I have a sexy boyfriend who is undressing right in front of me,” He murmured, wrapping his arms around Cas. Cas leaned back into the touch, letting out a soft sigh. Dean began peppering kisses along Cas’s jaw, pausing only to suck on the sensitive spot below his ear. Cas let out a quiet whimper at that and closed his eyes. Dean continued kissing down his neck to his shoulders when he paused to fight a yawn breaking to the surface.  

Cas laughed and the tension immediately lifted. “C’mon, let’s go to bed.”

“I don’t wanna,” Dean grumbled. Yet he allowed himself to be pulled to bed anyway.

“You can have your way with me tomorrow, I promise. But for now, sleep.”

Dean hummed and pulled Cas’s arm around his waist, so they were spooning. All previous annoyances about the crappy mattress were pushed from his head and quickly replaced with thoughts of Cas as he felt a soft kiss press to the back of his neck. With that, he allowed himself to lose consciousness and fall into a deep, happy sleep.

Author’s Note: Surprise, I decided to post the chapter two days early! Originally I planned on the whole road trip and Sam's graduation taking place in one chapter but it's turning out to be much longer than I anticipated. So I'll be breaking it up over the next chapter or two.

I also decided to change Sam's law school from Stanford to UCLA for the purpose of the road trip because Stanford would have been another 5 hours from L.A. and this just made it less complicated. Next chapter you can expect some smut, more road-tripping shenanigans and Sam! Please let me know what you think so far!

[kaptain-k-pop]

Alright ladies!!! After a full 65 hours of the album being out I am Finally sharing my Thots 👀

I have three full 8 hour shifts of listening to Nothing Else under my belt, (plus an unspecified number of hours listening outside if work...) so I'm Basically an Expert 😌💗

Dear my universe: We love a space/space-adjacent themed Astro song in this house 😌😌😌 this is such a nice choice to start off the album (also I'm a fucking nerd and so the way that the First Song on The Album is called 'Dear my universe' like addressing a letter? Like as if the album itself is kind of like a love letter from Astro to Aroha?? 🥺 Okay I'll stop. But it's just a thot that came into my head and now I'm having Feelings 🤧💜) the echoey parts and the harmonies?? So yummy, so pretty, I love it 💗

Butterfly Effect: HELLO my Love 😍💓💌💝💜💞💖💘💕💗 I was Warned by @entry-777 to be prepared for Rocky Vocals, which is a Good Thing bc if I wasn't ready for it I probably would have started crying or somethin lame like that and looked Quite Foolish in front of my coworkers, however I was NOT warned about JINWOO VOCALS (Danny you slipped Queen!!! 😭) It was like. 6 seconds. But it was there and it's gonna live in my head rent free for the next full calendar year, also Moonbin and Eunwoo's falsettos??? GOD everyone sounds so great in this song. I love our Six Vocalists 😪💜

ONE: my ONE opinions have Grown and Matured over the course of listening to it quite literally like 75 times. Do not be mistaken, I never disliked it, but I did have Certain Opinions. For example, it is a Certified Fact that I have stated before: an Astro Title Track is not an Astro Title Track without MJ throwing up Angel High Notes above the last chorus. And when I listened to ONE for the first time I was not satisfied in that department. He did like, A Few, but I was waiting for more to come and like picturing in my head what it was going to sound like and then they didn't come and I was Mildly Disappointed. So that was just one thing that like, I wanted a little more than what I got, which does not mean that I didn't like what I did get!!! Anyway, after listening to it Many More Times and paying close attention to harmonies and such I am a bit more satified with the ad-libs he did get, it's just that this song is Different than other Astros Title Tracks, it is a different style so I guess what they gave him fits more with that style than what I was expecting (still wish he had gotten to shine a little more in this Title but what are you going to do?) It could very well be the 'you listened to this song so much you are tricking yourself into liking it more' thing, but my love for this song has definitely grown in the past few days (and again!! I never disliked it in the first place!) it is still not one of my top faves on the album but that's only bc Astro are B-side Kings! I still do really like this song

Someone Else: (okay at first I Did Not Realize this was just an MJJinjinMoonbin song?? I did not Know we were getting unit songs in this album, but that explains why I didn't hear anyone else's voices in it 🤷 agdjahdjakd) in any case, I like her! She is very Fun and Funky 😌 definitely one I will continue to listen to often (also fun fact: that electronic sound at like 2:32 the first time I heard it my body physically reacted like one of Pavlov's dogs bc that same sound is also in the song that I have set as my alarm ahdjskahdjsj 'oh? we are Waking Up now? :)' Queen calm down, you are awake lmao)

SNS: Ma'am..... Hello????? Omg I love this song so much, the beat, the vocals, the soda can (yes I noticed!!! Omg when I tell y'all I got a rush of serotonin when I heard that...) another thing I absolutely adore about this song is the 'ah-ahhh, ah-ahhh' part bc it makes my brain do the same thing as when it sees an optical illusion where the thing I'm seeing switches back and forth based on what I'm focusing on like 'oh, now I see a vase, oh now it's two faces' that except with sound (so an aural illusion I guess is what that would be??) Like 'oh, that's Human Voices making that sound' but then if I focus on it it sounds like an Electronic Phone Buzzing Text Notification Sound (and then I focus on it again and it's Voices) which is probably what was intended considering it's a song named after texting? I just think that's so cool, I love that they did that and it sounds really Neat

All Good: oh my GOD this song, oh 👏 my 👏 G 👏 O 👏 D 👏 All Good........... my BELOVED™ 💜💜💜 Mental Illness?? Idek her. Lee Dongmin said "Gonna be alright" so Everything is Fine now actually. I'm gonna Do Drugs (this song) and forget my problems 😌 this song qualifies as a Hardcore Party Drug. I am going to grind this song up into a fine powder and snort it like cocaine. Holy FUCK this song is good. I'm saying something controversial (it's not controversial, lmao, I know I am not the only one who thinks this) yet brave: Miss All Good is Title Track Material 👀 now idek anything about marketing so maybe ONE was a better choice for Title Track from a marketing standpoint idek, all I know is that All Good FUCKS I literally could talk about this song for hours omg, I need to stop this post is already so long but ALL GOOD I LOVE YOU QUEEN 👑 😭💓💘💗💕💜💌💝💞💖

All Stars: "yeah let's go haha" alright yes, whatever you say 😍 okay so in this song ofc I immediately noticed the "you're my one&only" we love that self reference 😌💜 but when I was looking at the lyrics I also noticed that we have "When you call me I'll run to you" and the Very First Line is "I've got a dream, when I run breathlessly" coincidence??? 👀 ....... yeah probably, I analyze things way too much agjdjdjdjd but ANYWAY I Love MJ's bridge(? is that the right word? the '이룰 테니까' part. U know what I mean) and the "everything is OK (lala la la)"??? Alright, Depression Cured, thanks Kings 😌👑💗

Our spring: if ONE left my thirst of Angelic MJ Runs not fully satisfied Miss Our Spring came through for me I LOVE ALL HIS PARTS IN THIS SONG SO MUCH AND THE R U N S yes 👏 king 👏 yes 👏 king 👏 thank you SO much 😌💖💜💗 Idk why but I just really latched on to this song, I love the chorus and Rocky's (설레는 날에) part, also I believe if I am Not Mistaken Rocky contributed to the lyrics on this? 👀 we love that for him! Especially bc the lyrics are so pretty and not just bc I am biased 💜

Stardust: another Space themed song it's my favorite concept again 😌😌😌 and y'all know that I am a Strings Appreciating Bitch 💗 so ofc I immediately had Feelings as soon as I heard them in the back. This song is so so so pretty?? the instrumental, the vocals, the lyrics? It's so calming and peaceful listening to this song, it feels so nice and cozy 😔💗 On all levels except physical I am laying on the roof stargazing and Astro is wrapping a blanket around my shoulders and giving me a lil kiss on the top of the head. This song would really be the Bloom of the album, if not for.....

gemini: the BLOOM of the album 😭💓💌💝💘💗💕💜💞💖 Miss gemini my beloved... 😔💜 "will you protect me? Even after the long night passes the place we embroidered together stays in our hearts" Don't TOUCH me 🤧🤧🤧 I can, have, must, am, and will cry about this song if I think about it for too long. Myungjun contributed to the lyrics, arrangement, and composition and it turned out so good?? (I mean of course it did) I'm very proud of him and I got more pretty Angel High notes in this song so I am Very Satisfied, I LOVE her so much 💗💗💗

And that's that!!!

If you are reading this, ps I love u for sticking around to read all my rambling pls accept a hypothetical forehead kiss or some fingerhearts sent @ u from a respectful distance 💗

Also my askbox is always open if you want to share your opinions, I love talking about these boys..... 👀

[raedas]

Ooo my time has come! (I don't mean to overwhelm you with this just I finally have someone who wants my theatre recommendations! Yay!) I think there's a word limit on these so I'll try to say as little as possible.

Alright so if you like Hamilton definitely listen to Natasha, Pierre and The Great Comet of 1812. Like Hamilton it's completely sung through and the songs are absolutely amazing. The cast is so talented and beautiful too (Denée Benton is an absolute angel). Please watch any video you can get of it too the design is gorgeous.

My personal favorite musical ever is Heathers. Like, it will forever be my favorite. Barrett has such a powerful voice and the songs are so, so good and catchy af. It was also the musical that got me into musicals-

And of course I must mention Newsies. Newsies also has a proshot on Disney+ like Hamilton and oh my fucking god don't even get me started on how talented the cast is. Like, the choreography for this musical is insane and they pull it off so well. Jeremy Jordan/ Jack Kelly (his character) is... Perfection. Absolute perfection. The songs are so powerful and, again, the dance skills of this cast is *chefs kiss*.

Next up, Six. Please listen to Six. It's a pretty short musical too which is great if you're like me and have attention issues when it comes to watching and listening to stuff. Believe me as soon as you listen to the first song you WILL be hooked. It's a very upbeat musical aside from Heart of Stone. It's about the ex-wives of Henry the 7th or whatever his title was. But like, the wives are a pop group now- it sounds odd but it's really great.

Waitress is another one I'd definitely recommend. I don't want to repeat myself and just say "it's great and it's amazing and-" again and again so I'll just give you a warning: She Used To Be Mine is one of the saddest and most powerful musical theatre songs you will ever hear. Be warned.

Oh and let's not forget Beetlejuice. This is an extremely popular musical rn and for good reason. It's super upbeat and fun while also having some dark themes. Alex Brightman is just, god I've already used all my good description-y words haven't I? He's a really, really good human being and preformer and I adore him, alright? Alright.

Oklahoma! Is a classic that I really liked. I mostly listen to newer musicals but I really loved Oklahoma!. I'd recommend the 2019 revival if you are listening for the first time. It has a very classical vibe that's also really sweet if that makes sense? Idk.

Hadestown. This is another long one but god is it one of the best musicals of this (last) decade. It's very jazz-y and the songs can be both catchy and make you want to dance or beautiful and make you very, very emotional. Sometimes both! + it has Amber Gray in it so duh of course it's great.

Dear Evan Hansen. This is a VERY popular musical similar to Hamilton's popularity. It's not my favorite since most of the songs are quite slow and not too memorable for me personally but Sincerely Me and Good For You are absolute bops and I'd recommend the musical just for them alone. It has a powerful message about mental health that I know resonated with many people but again, wasn't my thing personally although you may definitely like it.

Hairspray. I'm pretty new to this one but I adore this sixties sound. It's also a very, very upbeat and dancy type musical. There's a couple different recordings of it so it really depends on which you like more. I loved the movie soundtrack but some people prefer the original Broadway show or the live version. Who knows.

Wicked. This is another kinda classic kinda new show that's extremely popular. Basically it's about the Wicked Witch of the West and that's all you need to know before diving in. This wasn't my personal favorite although I did really like it. Popular is a bop and Defying Gravity is one of the most powerful songs (vocal wise) I've ever heard, ever. It was an enjoyable watch that's for sure and I loved the characters.

Oh how could I almost forgot Book of Mormon? This musical is harlious, genuinely. It's a satire musical about Mormons to put it simply but it's also so much more then that at the same time (kinda). Besides it's satirical parts it also has some really powerful songs and lines. Mainly - I Believe. Like,, I love this song, so much. Andrew Rannells has such a good voice also have I mentioned Josh Gad is in this? Because he is. And I love it.

Alright I've been writing this for like, 13 min now I should stop but I must mention Mean Girls. You know what I was saying about Defying Gravity earlier? Well, Mean Girls the musical has it's own version of a powerful vocal song and it's World Burn. I've listened to that song more times then I can count now and I'm still amazed every single damm time.

Quick mention, I'm listening to Spring Awakening rn and this musical is so beautiful I love it.

Anyways, here's my recommendations! 🎵

w o w this looks like it took a while so thank you!!! i might just jump the boat (is that an expression? i don’t think it’s an expression but in my 7 AM brain it made sense) and listen to some musicals soon :))) (ill def listen to one on this list)

also, congrats on sending the longest ask I’ve ever seen!!!! 😂

[whyamiinopmhellagain]

Ebina Misaki, One Punch Man OC!

I wanted to move her, so I did!

General

Full Name (Last, then First): Ebina ((蛯名), Misaki (美咲)

Meaning: Beauty Bloom

Nickname(s): Angel. Miss Optimist.

Reason for nickname(s): Her singing voice, and angelic personality. Her optimism.  

Given By: Her parents. Her classmates.

Age: 18 

Sex: Female

Gender: Female

Place of Birth: City Y

Birthday: 3/3

Currently living in: City Y

Species/Race: Human

Ethnicity: Japanese

Blood Type: B

Occupation: Student, cover artist

Sexual Orientation: Straight

Social Status: Middle Class

Relationship Status: Single

Status: Alive

Appearance

Body Build: Skinny and flat, like a bean pole.

Height: 1.91 meters (6’3”)

Skin colour: Pale

Hair style: Chin bob with bangs

Hair colour: Black

Eye colour: Brown

Distinguishing Features: Longer than average arms, smaller breasts.

Preferred Clothing: Deep blue t-shirts, long, black skater skirts, knee high socks, sneakers, backwards baseball caps.

Accessories: Black frame glasses.

Health

General health: Good, but needs glasses, because she’s nearsighted.

Posture: Good

Any physical illnesses?: No

Any mental illnesses?: No

Take drugs?: No

Smoke?: No

Mental/Emotional State

Archetype: ENFP-A (Campaigner)

Mental age: 23-28

Act before thinking/Think before acting?: A bit of both, depends on the situation.

Emotion-wise, generally: Pretty happy, overall!

Conversation

Way of speaking: Speaks at a normal volume and is very polite, until you get closer to her, then she becomes a bit more sarcastic and playful. She also gets a biiiit louder. Loves to talk.

Common conversation starter: Do you listen to…?

Swears?: Rarely, around her close friends.

Made-up words?: No

Made-up language?: No

Likes/Dislikes

Likes: Music, yoga, her friends, playing her instruments, makeup, singing, her fans/followers, social media, parties, making new friends, her parents, and her cram school teachers.

Dislikes: Her haters and trolls, doctor’s appointments, pretty much every academic class (except biology), and places with no service/wifi.

Hobbies

Playing/listening to music.

Browsing the internet

Interacting with her fans

Talking to people/going to parties

Going to get crepes

Doing her makeup

Skills/Abilities

Singing skills (Soprano, prefer higher notes, but can hit some lower ones in an alto range.)

Piano (Since she was 6)

Guitar (Since she was 8)

Drums (Since she was 13)

Songwriting (taken a few classes on it, written two songs, plans to write more.)

How to set up and use recording equipment.

Video editing skills.

How to take good insta selfies and write witty tweets, when needed.

Education/Intelligence

Education: Currently in High School with average grades (B’s and B-’s, except in her music classes), and a music cram school, where she is one of the best students there. She’s had pretty standard education through her life.

IQ: Pretty average (I don’t know the exact number for either.)

EQ: Higher than average.

Secrets

She wishes she was a little shorter and curvier, like a regular person, so she could be seen as “beautiful”. (Even though she already is.)

Thinks her biology teacher is hot.

Fears

That her friends will leave her.

That she’ll go deaf.

That her channel will fall apart

That a monster will destroy her and/or anything she cares about.

Dreams/Goals

To grow her channel. (She wants to hit at least 10,000 subscribers)

Write, publish and perform more songs.

Graduate high school and college

Get married.

Favorites

Food: Caramel fudge chocolate chip brownies!  

Colour: Royal Blue.

Animal: Snakes!

Holiday: New Year’s Eve.

Season: Spring.

Time of day: Dawn.

Thing to watch: Concerts.

Movie: “Pitch Perfect”

Show: “Meteor Garden”

Type of art: Music.

Genre of music: Too many, but Jazz, Classical and Metal to name a few.

Genre of literature: Not really a book person.

Genre of shows: Comedies

Genre of movies: Musicals

History

Misaki was adopted by her mothers when she was 6 months old. She was always a bit taller than everyone else, which caused her to be made fun of by the other kids. But, her bubbly personality made her more friends than enemies. She comes from a musical family, her free time mostly went to learning music with her moms. She was very chatty when she was younger, and enjoyed talking to new classmates, and playing with other kids. She also loved to show off her skills in music, and didn’t really care if she messed up. She started sharing her talents and skills with the world when she was 16, she started posting covers online, and she has been devoted to the channel ever since. But, as cool as it is to have a lot of friends, and even fans, she’s beginning to feel a bit lovesick, and wants someone to hold her at night.

Personality

Misaki is a woman dedicated to her dreams and future, her family, her future spouse and her friends, in that order. She enjoys being around other people, and LOVES to talk. She is always looking for the best in people, and the silver lining, even in the darkest storms. She likes to go to parties, but not to be bad, because she enjoys the company of other people. Music is Misaki’s life. She could sit for hours listening to her favorite songs, and spend hours more playing them. She’d rather listen to music than socialize, but she will get lonely eventually. She always gives second chances, even if some would say it’s undeserving. She loves to always busy herself with doing something, whether it be doing some yoga, learning a new make-up look, or just jamming out to some Metallica. School doesn’t really interest her either, and would much rather spend her time with music. Her channel is her baby, and will slack off in school, in order to make sure it’s perfect. Rest assured, she does put a fair amount of effort into her homework, and won’t slack off on group projects. Her room is fairly messy, but she says it’s part of the creative process.

Tl;dr:

Determined

Optimistic

Social

Creative/musical

Messy

Restless

Loud

Trusting, to a fault

Relationships

Family: Misaki has two moms that she loves very much. Youko is her school’s choir instructor. She helps her learn her vocal parts, pick songs to suit her voice, and helps write her arrangements, if need be. Misaki does most of that by herself now, but mama’s always there to help! Kanna is a stay-at-home mom, with a large resume in musical theatre. They are both fiercely protective of her, and proud of her, for working her butt off to achieve her goals!

Love interest: None, yet ;) But, feel free to let me know about some potentials!

Friends/Allies: She has a strong social circle in her cram school, and at her regular school. She’s a friendly person, and wants to meet and get to know as many people as she can! But, some friendships depend on the universe:

She’s in the same history class as Metal Bat. They don’t really talk much, because he’s not in class super often.  They’re on good terms, they just don’t talk too much. She sometimes fills him in on lessons he missed, and attends the same cram school as Zenko. Her friends are mostly in her cram school, but she has some friends in school as well.

Misaki has piano lessons with Zenko every Thursday evening at her cram school. The two of them have a pretty normal student/teacher relationship. Zenko is an avid viewer of her channel, though, and is willing to help her with her piano lines. Sometimes she runs into Gaman in the hallways, and they are in the same biology class. They also take music lessons together, when the cram school is having a performance. She knows that the two of them are related, and she’s friendly to both.

Enemies: There are a few people that make nasty comments on the way she looks, and her internet haters, but that’s it.

Quotes:

“No, I do not play basketball.”

“Mom, I can’t get this chord. Can you help?”

“I’m recording right now!”

Trivia

She has a little under 2,000 followers on Twitter, where she gives updates about her videos.

She owns a beat up, 1960s, cherry red pickup truck, but she normally walks everywhere.

She has a light brown pet ball python, named Udon.

——-

Talk to me people, tell me what you think.

[randomvarious]

Waylon Jennings - “Amanda” The Heart of the Country Song released in 1974. Compilation released in 2000. Country / Outlaw Country

All apologies to Gram Parsons — who played great, straight country wrapped in a dope-smoking hippie cloak — but should one wish to find the embodiment of the always amorphous term that is country-rock, Waylon Jennings is it. He was weaned on Ernest Tubb and Elvis Presley, he was buddies with Buddy, and he became the face of Seventies country by skillfully folding rock & roll elements into a literate rootsy mix. It’s simply impossible to imagine southern rock, from Allman to Van Zant, and fringe country from Steve Earle to Uncle Tupelo without Waylon Jennings.

Those words, written by Andrew Dansby in a 2002 Rolling Stone obituary, outline the indelible mark that had been left by Waylon Jennings over his incredible 50-plus year career. Born in west Texas in a family of amateur musicians, Jennings became a local radio DJ at the mere age of twelve. For years, he struggled as a record spinner, sometimes busting out his guitar on air. But he was a known entity in the area, and one day, started a professional relationship with the budding rock and roll superstar Buddy Holly. Holly produced Jennings’ first records, and in turn, Jennings became Holly’s bassist.

But, as you might know, that relationship didn’t last very long. Holly was part of a traveling music revue of sorts that was on tour in the dead of a good ol’ midwestern winter. Along with him were Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, Dion and the Belmonts, and Holly’s band, including Jennings. Whoever was responsible for booking and arranging the tour did a remarkably awful job of planning it out. The buses that were used to travel suffered breakdowns, including the heating system. One of the band members caught frostbite and a flu started to go around. Holly, who could not stand another waking moment on the road, decided to take to the sky instead and chartered a plane to get to the next tour stop. But the plane wasn’t big enough to fit everyone. Jennings was arranged to fly on the plane with Holly, but The Big Bopper, who had caught that flu and who felt physically uncomfortable riding the bus due to his size, convinced Jennings otherwise. Once Holly had found out that Jennings wouldn’t be flying with him, Holly joked to Jennings, “Well, I hope your ol’ bus freezes up!” To which Jennings replied, “Well, I hope your ol’ plane crashes!” And around 90 minutes later, Holly’s plane crashed. On board with him were Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, and the plane’s ill-equipped pilot. There were no survivors.

This, of course, affected Jennings deeply. Not only did he lose a great friend, but it could have been him on that plane. Throughout most of the rest of his life, he would struggle with substance abuse and addiction. It wasn’t the sole reason for these issues, but it was a big one. The circumstances of the crash, the realization of how everything that one works towards can disappear in an instant, and his last conversation with Holly weighed heavily and permanently on his mind.

Jennings left his radio job and moved to Arizona, where his solo career slowly began to blossom. He earned a residency at a popular club, which led to a signing at A&M Records in Los Angeles. A&M wanted him to be more of a folk artist than a country one, and so, when he got the chance, he moved to Nashville and signed with RCA. But this didn’t fit him either. Nashville was too preoccupied with crass commercialism and churning out hits. They were very strict and operated like a well-oiled machine. They had no inkling to try anything new and implored Jennings to use their seasoned session musicians instead of his own band. Jennings resented all these constraints and artifice and decided to push on, pioneering a new movement for the 70s: outlaw country.

Outlaw country looked to take country music back to its roots. It was thinking man’s country. It had less polish than the glitzy Nashville studio sound and felt more authentic. It wasn’t afraid to take chances, and its stars were all marketed as renegades. They were rebels with deep thoughts and complex emotions. Outlaw country gave country music a much-needed human element and it sold millions of records. And Jennings was its centerpiece.

By the time he released The Ramblin’ Man in 1974, Jennings had racked up commercial accolades, but he hadn’t peaked yet. And while this album predated his peak years, it definitely laid the groundwork for them. Closing out the album was a cover of Don Williams’ “Amanda,” a minor country hit that had that squeaky-clean Nashville sheen. Jennings didn’t change any of the lyrics of the song, but listening to it, you’d think it fit him to a tee.

With his deep and smooth, yet rugged, country tone, Jennings sings about Amanda, a woman he loves, but knows he isn’t right for. He feels she’s entitled to much better as he’s just a man who’s been doing the same thing since he was a kid, and hasn’t matured into what she deserves. It’s a heartfelt and sad admission. All this success has left him with riches, but it’s also left him deeply flawed and feeling inadequate.

One line in the chorus strikes as bitterly poignant:

Fate should have made you a gentleman’s wife

The key word here is “fate”. This line suggests that Jennings feels that he’s upset the natural order of things. He doesn’t fit in with how events should play out. He’s in the way and he’s been a nuisance all his life. The idea of him being with Amanda strikes him as being an act of selfishness.

And one has to think that his conception of himself in relation to fate has to include that plane crash, which forever altered his own life. Again, he thinks his existence has upset the natural order of things. Had he been on that plane with Buddy Holly, he would have perished, and Amanda would’ve probably ended up being the wife of a perfectly fine gentleman. The way Jennings is viewing himself in this song is both sobering and really heartbreaking. Don Williams’ version had the same lyrics, but Jennings’ performance of it gives it whole other dimensions.

And the production is spectacular, too. I can’t find a credit for backing vocals, but to me, as far as the music goes, that rising, and then soaring, angelic female vocal that contrasts with Jennings’ depth, really puts this one over the top. Add to the fact, how layered it is, as Jennings wanders on his Telecaster, providing a bouncily thick twang, as the acoustic rhythm guitar underneath provides the strumming legwork to make it stand. 

It would take four and a half years for Jennings to release “Amanda” as a single, and it would become one of country’s biggest hits in 1979, being included on a Jennings greatest hits album. But that version was overdubbed, and, in my view, doesn’t have the same raw and intimate authenticity as the 1974 version. They’re both fine tunes, but Jennings’ original recording is the superior version.

One of Waylon Jennings’ greatest hits that predates the pinnacle of his career. A painful and profoundly touching song.

[roadtophantom]

Down Once More - RTP Does a Double Show

(or as they say, a two doe shay - so in that light, this review is hella long)

March 16, 2019

It wasn't planned but to take advantage of a discount, I got a second ticket targeting a Saturday matinee show so I could catch Clara. This plan backfired as I already inadvertently caught her the previous week. Being that the Theatre at Solaire is hours away where I am and I don't want to shell out over a grand for Grab, I decided to see the evening show too.

The fun part about matinees is it's not a rush hour so the travel time is cut significantly. We got to the theatre early enough to take all the photos we want without queueing plus some decent drive thru food. We got balc right seats this time, second row. I certainly missed the prime visibility of orch seats but liked being able to see the whole set.

Clara was on as Christine and I'm delighted to say that as early as a week-gap she's able to put different touches to her Christine so you see a somewhat different interpretation. This one was less afraid and was drawn more to MOTN, that she was able to show a dilemma between the Phantom and Raoul. What I gathered from my first viewing of her was that she's obviously Team Raoul all the way. I mean, sure that is a very valid interpretation but I guess I also like a Christine who is able to show a conflict, some sort of loyalty to her 'teacher' who she didn't just happen to meet yesterday. So there's some joy when she sings AOM.

A notable scene is how she took a while to unmask the Phantom (Jonathan) The instrumentation has already changed and she was still peeling the mask. Jonathan took that extended lull as fuel for anger that Clara cowered in a fetal position as Jonathan, imposing figure that he is, hovered over her. He then punches the floor with his fist and kicked the mandarin hat (which he never got to wore) away. Pretty intense. By STYDI he becomes remorseful as he lamented 'Oh Christine'.

One thing I love about Matt's Raoul is we don't just know he is well to borrow from the Kingsmen: manners maketh man. He isn't only a gentleman at Christine but also to the managers when he makes it a point to excuse himself with a hand gesture when he is switching his attention to Carlotta, Piangi and Girys. And I think one takeaway I got from his Raoul is how he regarded the angel with dismissal and arrogance but slowly come to horror to know that this is a real thing plaguing Christine and that leads him to do what it takes even risk his life. Idk, he's just very real to me. When he does the disaster will be yours, he mounts all his  fiery passion to threaten what he knows is larger than him.

Also the travelator worked and he does jump so whee.

Again I adored the ballerinas during the rehearsals because they're just playful girlfriends, when they get excited at the introduction of the Vicomte, when one of them yawns tiredly and someone gets instruction from the slave master, love love these cute dynamics. Plus they are so nice and supportive of Christine. Meg is just a dear, and I love how Kiruna-Lind nods sheepishly with a “I’ll be a good girl cross my heart” smile at her mom before stomping right off. 

I finally looked up that lyric change in Notes, it's now using Broadway's: "Mystified baffled Surete say,we are mystified -"

After the show I accompanied my cousin and sister to stage door, whereupon Meghan came in looking like a rockstar, black ensemble, hat on. She's still somewhat ill but she's going on and it's to be appreciated because that means my evening ticket will finally see the other Christine.

My seats these time are way up because I got the cheapest tier. So it was going to be interesting to see Meghan who is probably one of the most petite ladies (she's probably 5 foot and a couple inches). But I immediately see how she compensates for the height with her hands. In Hannibal she grabs on to the nearest ballerina or Meg to seek comfort or to show excitement when the announcement of Vicomte came on, she holds Reyer's hands as he congratulates her. Later in the show she uses them in more heartbreaking ways (to plea for help at Madame Giry at Notes II and the managers after the PONR unmasking but all for naught).

I have to mention this, Meghan does not dance the slave girls track (and later most of the Masquerade track) but this may be because of an injury. Do not take my word for it, but it would make sense why Clara was on instead during the media call. I don't begrudge Meghan too in going off stage especially to protect her health.

BUT when she came on for Think of Me? Holy. Smokes. THAT GLORIOUS VOICE. Where did that come from such a tiny frame? It's so big and whole and powerful and she sings and extends the cadenza effortlessly. You'll know this is opera-trained.

My take with her Christine is that she takes on  Meghan's personality, especially in Act I where she is bubbly and friendly with the ballerinas and when she tries to explain to Raoul that the angel of music is very strict (she does it sheepishly). Listening to her radio interviews it makes sense how it sometimes blurs who Meghan is and who Christine is.

She also mentioned how she and the character are utterly consumed by music, and she shows it not just as a trance state but also in a Sarah Brightmanesque possessed state. I want to take a closer look at this because from afar there's a danger of looking like she's doing nothing when she's been doing big gestures with her hands earlier. So it looks like on and off. But maybe up close it's possible she communicates more.

Her strength and her strongest weapon is undoubtedly that voice, because with it she isn't afraid to make the songs her own, to manipulate them as the scene demands for it and as she needs it. Her vocal control is incredible. She is able to communicate fear, panic and passion effortlessly because of that malleable voice that she need not stay the course of the song but give it her interpretation ("in that, <i>strange</i>. sweet. sound.") She could cry and scream in song if that makes sense? I just looooooove listening to her sing and there are just so much dimensions in her interpretation that way. And there's even more to it when she performs with her cast mates.

Okay this brings me to the next part of the review. I saw Jonathan earlier with Clara and it went without a hitch so to speak. In figure-skating speak he landed those lutz. The evening, told a different story. When he couldn't extend his BE in MOTN I started to get worried.

The figure-skating analogy will become very clear towards the rest of the performance as I waited in bated anticipation how he'll try to land his jumps. This was me the whole time basically.

He started stumbling losing breath and ending in rasps towards the end of Act I. Obviously this is not his norm, I've seen him 4 times after all, including the earlier matinee. There was something wrong. But the question now is what he'll do in the vocally demanding AND fast-paced Act II full of quadruple jumps?

Well Jonathan had to do a series of quick decisions, there were words he had to speak more softly, keys that he had to changed and lyrics recited so he can reserve his strength and give them to the money makers. But all in all? Led to a beautiful heart-wrenching performance as he took the show in One Emotional Ride I've never witnessed before. And I believe the person sustaining him, receiving this acting and spinning it to gold? Meghan. There was teamwork happening during the Final Lair as both characters were giving one fiery performance and receiving it, enhancing it, supporting another by giving so much to work with. Meghan comes at you at Final Lair with such fervor. There was a part where she rips the veil so angrily the hair mic went POOF but this is the kind of energy she comes at Jonathan. I don't know if I've seen a Final Lair come like a frenzied hurricane of adrenaline, distress and fury. There were a lot of tears on that stage. Jonathan’s limitations worked for him in the end especially in conveying the anguish of the character. In this way, the show finished in a heart-wrenching note AND thunderous applause.

Oh when Meghan returned the ring, the Phantom clung to her hand and they remained that way for a bit, until Meghan regretably retracted the outstretched arm and left.

So. Um, wow. It was a hell of a ride, and I have to say, guiltily, that I liked how unpredictable it was. That was just pure raw stage energy and thespians are olympians too.

I definitely need to see more of these two before the show closes in close to 2 weeks (cue weeps). 

If you got as far as this um, thank you. You are very patient. I have no reward but here's me wearing the PHwhdjfis hoodie

[thesinglesjukebox]

HAIM - SUMMER GIRL

[7.92]

We think it’s fly when these girls stop by for the summer...

Nellie Gayle: I'm not exactly the least biased observer when it comes to Haim's music. I owe a good portion of my close friendships and my longterm relationship to the Twitter fandom they cultivated around the time of their first release, when I was a tiny baby in college. But, still, I think my respect and affection for them doesn't disqualify me from having a valuable opinion on them. In this case, I can especially appreciate "Summer Girl" as the rare Haim song celebrating longevity and long distance in all of its pangs and nuanced happy moments. Written for Danielle Haim's partner during a serious illness, Summer Girl is a painfully sweet momento of that moment when we realize exactly what we are to other people and walk toward that version of ourselves. There's an easy breezy quality to the song that's underpinned by the fear and trauma that can visit a relationship. To be a summer girl, here, is less about wilding out for yourself in global warming record highs (still an admirable pastime), and more about how we can find strength by viewing our own selves -- malleable, fragile, messy -- as the strength and release someone else needs. This shift in perspective creates love for both ourselves, and the vessels of care and affection in our lives *collective 'awwwww'* [10]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Lou Reed knew how to make these sparse, simple songs that felt content with life despite knowing its many shortcomings. "Summer Girl" feels imbued with that same gritty hope, not least because its "Walk on the Wild Side" influence is patently obvious. The backstory of this song -- that it was written for Danielle Haim's partner Ariel Rechtshaid after he was diagnosed with testicular cancer -- makes this feel all the more heartfelt. But really, it's there in the music itself. This is the sort of song that feels like the product of a jam session between friends, where repetition and marginal changes in dynamics are a reflection of lazy summer days and a desire to just do something with the people you care about. Danielle Haim grounds the song with her vocals, but it's the music -- ever-loping and easy-going -- that signals the message here that everything will be all right. I'm reminded of Pavement's "Gold Soundz," specifically the notion of a mutual emptiness. What Malkmus spoke of was a romanticized ennui, but any emptiness I sense here is of a different sort: a willingness to empty oneself completely, to be filled with nothing but the love of another. [7]

Katie Gill: Thankfully, the four minute long showcase for a saxophone riff features a REALLY GOOD saxophone riff. [6]

Michael Hong: Haim may have described "Summer Girl" as an attempt to emulate "Walk on the Wild Side" by Lou Reed, but its aesthetics also seemed to be partially informed by Danielle's recent stints across Vampire Weekend's Father of the Bride, especially, the jazzy-vibes of "Sunflower" and "Flower Moon." And similar to Vampire Weekend, Haim have a strength for distilling decades of influences to make their music sound simply like the present. On the surface, "Summer Girl" sounds exactly like a summer breeze, but it's deceptively chill. The burden of forced positivity leads to a sadness and the feeling that the group is holding back that creep into the track's breezy atmosphere. That sadness and restraint should be worrying; however, Danielle's reassuring vocals flip any anxiety into peace, and everything else disappears in the meditative way she repeats the line "I'm your summer girl." [7]

Ashley Bardhan: I love how soft Danielle's vocals are and how the saxophone peeks out from behind it, like the twinkling of an ice cream truck on a sticky July night. I feel the heavy summer breeze passing when she says "You walk beside me, not behind me/Feel my unconditional love." It's a whispered command breaking into love and heat, opening the grey clouds to see the "angels coming now." As the song ends, amidst steely drums and saxophone swelling, you reached the beach in your favorite town. [8]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: Songs about summer love take place at the beach, on bright sunny days, end at parties; they are flirtatious, playful, even dangerous; they sound like the rush of falling in love at an irresponsible pace, but being too young and dumb to give a care about the eventual season's change. To be sure, these songs are great, but "Summer Girl" is so arresting and gorgeous precisely because of its subversion of this formula. It begins after the thrill of the chase has already subsided, and focuses instead on the emotional intimacy and complexity that percolates afterwards. When Haim whisper, "I can see it in your face/I'm relief/I'm your summer girl," it's the portrait of romance so intoxicating that pillow talk doesn't require talking at all in order to understand connection -- no matter how brief. The meandering saxophone soundtracks this all sublimely, tinged with bittersweetness as if to ruminate on the nature of love that, by definition, has an expiration date. I know I'm young and supposed to be at some club hooking up to whatever song of the summer dominates the airwaves, but this year, all I want to do is lay in an open field gazing at stars, surrounded by nothing but the sound of crickets chirping, the crackle of bonfire, and this song playing in the background as I fall asleep in a stranger's arms. [9]

Josh Buck: An unexpected and disarmingly smooth four minute swerve that makes a compelling case for Haim's longevity. [8]

Alfred Soto: A minute before the "doo-doo" hook I knew the drum pattern and sax were drenched in "Walk on the Wild Side," and it fits: Danielle Haim on a casual stroll across Hamptons dunes, cheering herself up with the musical memories competing in her head. [7]

Kayla Beardslee: An absolutely perfect summer song, "Summer Girl" would work best when played on a lazy August weekend, sitting on a screened-in porch or sprawling on a wooden dock, watching the sun slowly dip below the horizon and turn the sky pink and orange -- but I'm listening to it at a dining table on a Tuesday afternoon, and it still sounds wonderful. Danielle Haim is restrained, voice gliding smoothly over the bass with a contentment that matches the lyrics, but her emotions break through on the stellar bridge, where she describes her memories of earthquake drills and tears behind dark sunglasses. These images, which in a vacuum would seem sinister, are instead imbued with a surprising nostalgia, and the best lines in the song follow moments later. Danielle sings, "Walk beside me/Not behind me/Feel my unconditional love," and you can feel a lifetime's worth of emotions -- infatuation, frustration, longing, respect, happiness -- wrapped up in those ten seconds. And behind it all are the joyful bursts of saxophone, echoing like they're coming from just around the next street corner: the instrument, like the song as a whole, blissful, content, and yet always in motion. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Summer in Southern California is, perhaps counter-intuitively, a dreary time. As a kid in the vast suburbs below Los Angeles, summer was mainly characterized by the absence of things -- of the structure of the school day, of the friends you picked up (gone away to various sleepaway camps), of the will to do anything that would risk your leaving the cool darkness of your room. The weather the rest of the year was good enough to be summer, and so the season itself became a sort of filler period, a tone-setter lost in the tone. "Summer Girl" is a song that captures the feeling of an endless Southern Californian summer perfectly, its lazy backbeat and drifting saxophones rattling around in my ears until the track's disparate parts melt together. For a band that's tended towards studio perfection even in their jammiest moments (c.f. "Little of Your Love"), the move towards chill is almost disconcerting. But afternoons spent waiting out the sun deserve soundtracks as much as any of the more kinetic times of summer, and "Summer Girl" fits that bill better than anything I've heard in a while. [8]

Kylo Nocom: "Summer Girl" hearkens back to weird memories of hazy 6th grade school buses playing Kendrick Lamar on the radio and 9th grade memories of looping Radiohead by myself thinking about all of the memories I was going to make in high school. It obviously doesn't resemble the former two artists at all past any invented superficial resemblances (well, the outro does resemble "Separator" a little...) but it captures something specific that I haven't felt in a long, long time. Much of this is like one long blur of looped familiarity, but the bridge is a sweet moment of lucidity quickly whipped into yet another river of pure daydreaming music. Summer's been rough on me; it's my last summer before graduating and I'm still so confused by what I want to do. This, in all of its reassuring and affirming glory, is a pleasant reminder that I've got all the time I need. [9]

Vikram Joseph: "Summer Girl" derives much of its power from the pull and tension between the crisis of health and love that inspired the song (hinted at when they sing about "the tears behind your dark sunglasses") and their determination to present the season as an airy, carefree thing nonetheless. The minimal, pastel tones of the production are impossibly classy -- there are shades of Broken Social Scene at their most light-handed here, and a saxophone part that suspends the song a few feet off the ground, like a balloon perpetually on the verge of carrying the whole thing off into the stratosphere. [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[willieowinsbury]

i’ve decided to rank hozier songs because i can and i feel like it

22. sedated: this song is solid, but sort of plain. makes you nod your head along but no dancing or mouthing along. it sort of feels like an amalgam of every hozier song. doesn’t slap. its the c- of hozier songs

21. someone new: cute, but sort of like a middle song in a wedding. nobody really talks about it for a reason. makes you smile, but not very catchy

20. run: its haunting, but not a cool kind of haunting, more just gives you the creeps. the chorus is pretty good though, and the lyrics seem like something you’d hear in poetry, so it’s better than the other two

19. moment’s silence (common tongue): this is the first song on this list that is legitimately catchy. its a song you turn up on the radio, but not by much. its fun, its bluesy, got some catholic imagery. its good, but its not “wow!” good. c maybe c+

18. better love: this was written in a month, and it feels rushed. a bit too fast, and if hozier had more time, im convinced he would have slowed it down. its the first powerful, devotional, love song on the list. i’ve heard people don’t like the drums, but im convinced its the extra singers and violin in the background. im always a violin advocate, but you’ve gotta pick like two instruments andrew. its crowded, but its got that power so its higher than say, sedated

17. from eden: i know everybody loves this, and i agree its pretty good, but i think the song could’ve used some more haunting parts? way extra points for the bridge after the third verse, thats super cool. i’d give it a b

16. nfwmb: i legitimately really like this song. it hits all the points, haunting, devotional love, necromancy, comparing your partner to nature, low bass. its a great low and sort of dirty song that could have used some higher string instruments. theres nothing wrong with this song in particular, i just like the others better. again, a b

15. movement: idk how y’all feel about this one, its his newest, but its one of his building songs. the atmosphere is different, and the lyrics are sub-par for hozier, but something about it just goes so hard. b+

14. take me to church: this was his first hit, and we’re all tired of it by now, but giving it a listen again, if not for the overplayedness, it would be more like a 6 or 5, not 14. a solid jam. gets bumped over movement for pagan imagery

13. jackie and wilson: someone new if it slapped. super relatable and arguably more lesbian than from eden, which i will argue. i mean, seeing a woman across the bar and immediately imagining your future kids and house? and getting so caught up in it you don’t notice when she leaves? big dyke mood, also super fun and catchy. feels like spring cottage cleaning watching cartoons on a saturday morning. b+

12. arsonists lullaby: this song starts of as innocuous and gets darker. really feel the fire and brimstone and rage and power of idk. mental illness? pyromancy? anyway it makes you want to dance naked around the bonfire, like in that scene at the end of the witch. one of the few powerful dark hozier songs with a snare drum beat, our first a-

11. shrike: its bittersweet ending of a relationship, and he conveys the pain and love perfectly, and the irish accent is the best. feels like a song at the end of a movie when two people who maybe could have made it break up, and maybe one dies in a war or something. its beautiful and lonely, and vocals are really great on this one

10: angel of small death and codeine scene: this song sorta feels like the folk/blues version of an answering song to dangerous woman by ari. mood is loving a woman who’s bad for you but you just can’t help yourself. the guitar isn’t my favorite instrument, but i really like it here. would be very energetic and rockin at a concert, love

9: nina cried power: i love this one, and its powerful and full and angry and sad, but there’s something fundamentally hozier missing from this one. i love it, but it doesn’t give me that fantasy inducing feeling, which might be an artistic choice. either way, a-

8. in the woods somewhere: the haunting, soulful, fever-esque, version of run. its the mind of someone whos going mad, in the woods. its a top tier hozier song. the clapping that you don’t really notice until you are only paying attention to the song adds to the maddening atmosphere, as well as the low and slow bass. the harmony in the bridge is keening, and this is one of the first songs that really screams hozier for me

7. cherry wine: bringing back the bittersweet love aspect again that he seems to capture so well, hozier uses such beautiful imagery in this song, you feel as if you’re in a cottage, doing ballet barefoot at dawn on dusty wooden floors, doing housework. its desperate in a way no other hozier song has lived up to. its keeping up appearances, stroking a baby bird oh so carefully, grazing your fingers over unused fiddle strings. it’s sad, and bitter, and so full of love. the first a

6. it will come back: the heavy drum and guitar are reminiscent of classic rock, but slows down so quickly at points it leaves you delerious and determined. it’s a stubborn song, it sneaks up on you on how much you love it. its toeing some sort of line. its falling in love with a monster

5. like real people do: it’s loving each other knowing you aren’t going to last, secrets that you don’t want to know, wanting enough time as possible before you have to leave. its beautiful and sad, and the harmony adds so much, and the beat is slightly like a heartbeat, steady, and there, but so quiet you barely notice. makes you smile sadly, a rare occurrence

4. in a week: something about this one is so sad and it reminds you of the place you were born. or maybe thats just me, i was born in iowa. its the same message from like real people do with a twist. you don’t have much time to love someone. it builds and builds and builds and is a tangle of messes and complications, and suddenly is so so simple. its longing, its wishing you had more time, its the last kiss in a battle in slow motion. bared necks and prarie grass, this song is about dying in the place you were made. the simple beat and melody give this song exactly what it needs to thrive. a

3. foreigner’s god: this is precisely the opposite of in a week, about dying in a place you were not born. about not knowing who you are anymore, about pleading with god, any god to spare you, let you go home. the fast beat in the chorus isn’t chaotic, but angry and sad and begging. its grief in every form, guarded and raw, hozier makes you examine your choices with this one. the beat is pounding in a subtle way, and it goes so hard

2. to be alone: this is big top energy. smoky bars and big boots, and slightly western? it’s tantalizing, crawling out of your own skin, and pure want. it’s slow and yet loud in a good way. it’s hard to explain why i like this song, but it feels like a storm in your bones

1. work song: this one is actually my favorite song of all time. its got so much longing, and stubbornness, and hunger, and love. this is the devotion we all love from hozier, the power and the darkened eyes. this is the epitome of hozier, and it feels like your soul and i just can’t articulate with words what this song feels like, it would be five pages long, this is the %100, this is the a+. this song brings everything hozier has ever made you feel to the table, and makes you feel it harder

[frostinmyshadows]

To the girl with the hazel eyes

To the girl with the hazel eyes with the brilliant flecks of green and blue,

Some mornings I wake up, the light from my window streaming in across my face, and I cover my eyes and roll over and just lay there for a while listening to the sound of your feet pitter-pattering out in the kitchen as you make breakfast, humming a song to yourself. The sound comforts me, makes me feel less alone in the world. I hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Because as soon as I open my eyes, it all comes flooding back, punching me in the gut a thousand times over

You’re not here. You haven’t been in quite some time. You can’t love me anymore. I was too much and not enough for you. I am alone. 

I experience this sort of phantom limb syndrome quite often. I’ll pick out something at the store to buy for you that I know you’ll appreciate, but then I’ll remember you’re not here anymore and I’ll quickly put it back. I’ll turn to make a witty remark to you, and see that no one is standing beside me. I’ll have a particularly awful day and want nothing more than to snuggle up beside you and watch a trashy movie, but I have nothing to come home to but an empty bed. 

To the girl with the hazel eyes that could see through my hardened exterior and into those parts of my soul that had never been exposed before,

You’ve left an ache in my heart that nothing can soothe. There is a person-sized hole in my life that I fall into wherever I turn. You had touched all those places inside my soul that had so ached to be touched. You had filled a gap in my life that had desperately needed to be. And then as quickly as you filled it, you left the hole even bigger and more gaping than before. 

When will you stop being an unfinished edge; A shard of glass from a broken heart that I’m constantly cutting myself on?

I tricked myself into thinking that this part of me wasn’t in love with you. It wasn’t until you were gone that I felt my heart bleeding. 

The ghost of you haunts me wherever I turn, living in the shadows of our soured memories. It follows me wherever I go, reminding me that you’re not here.

Every time I blink a memory flashes, like a slideshow. 

Your perfectly curly hair, your cleft chin that I adore, but you loathe. Your million-watt smile, your dimples. The way you only loved Snack Packs when you were stoned. How you always saw the bright side of everything. How you kept a list of my odd food choices on the refrigerator for all to see and make fun of. How you owned approximately 50 plants. How you loved walking around the apartment without pants. How you wore a funny hair bonnet after you got out of the shower. The way I loved watching you getting ready to go out, mesmerized by your makeup routine. How you love going to concerts in the city, driving back home just in time to chase the sunrise.

To the girl with the hazel eyes that danced with me under the Christmas lights out on the balcony, I miss the intimacy we shared. The pure, unadulterated fun. The joy and laughter. 

I miss our most sacred moments sitting outside, a joint passing back and forth between us, along with the secrets we’d never told anyone else. Wrapped in blankets, surrounded by twinkling lights, freezing in the cold, but basking in the warmth of each other’s love and light. We understood each other in a way that no one else had. We gave each other something no one else could give. You used to tell me that I was your home. And you gave me that too. You were my home. You were my shelter in the storm. You knew my heart in a way it had always craved to be known, and I think I did the same for yours. You had this way of making me feel so safe. So alive, so fully encompassed by love. Like you were this vital piece that had been missing from my life this whole time, and now that you were here, everything would never be the same. I would never again feel lonely, or scared, or unlovable. You filled that hole deep inside me that had been growing since I was young.

To the girl with the hazel eyes who called me “Love Bug,”

I miss the way that you sat next to me instead of across from me at the restaurant because you wanted to be close to me. I miss the way that you always knew whether or not you would like a song within the first three seconds of hearing it play. I miss the little love notes you’d leave me, telling me how much I meant to you and that everything was going to be alright. I miss the way that you could read my mind and always knew what I was meaning to say when I couldn’t vocalize it. I miss curling up watching movies with you on the couch with your head on my shoulder, tucked underneath my chin, legs intertwined. I miss how when I talked too much during shows, you pretended not to mind. 

Splayed out on the kitchen floor with snacks, gasping for air in between giggles, downing snack packs and Ferrero Rocher. (“Roacher,” you’d pronounce it. Now I can’t think of it any other way.) Dancing through the living room, pulling on our boots, we’d go out, dancing and skipping through the snow, singing along to our favorite tunes.

The ground has always felt like it’s falling from under me, that’s why I’d rather watch from the clouds. The best nights of my life were spent flying through the sky with you. 

We wore onsies while drinking moscato. You were a hippo, I was a sock monkey. You laughed at my honking laugh, and we laughed some more, taking pictures to capture the memories.

To the girl with the hazel eyes that averted themselves when you told me you couldn’t love me anymore when I’m sick,

I want to forget that version of you. I want the image of your face wiped clean from my mind. Your poisonous words erased from my memory. Those words that confirmed my greatest fear; that my illness made me completely and absolutely unlovable. I want this hole in the pit of my stomach filled. Every ache that you’ve cause to be healed. I want you banished from every crevice of my memory. 

When I think of you I can’t breath. It’s like someone has punched me in the stomach, and the throat, and the chest, and it suddenly hurts to remain conscious.

I miss you with a blinding rage. I hate you with every logical piece of my mind. But I love you so very much with everything else in me.

To the girl with the hazel eyes who I nearly loved to death,

Once in a while it will hit me like an avalanche on my chest that I am alone now.

You once were with me, but now you are gone. You once were a part of me, but now you’ve been cut away. And I am alone. And in that moment an ache fills my soul that is so intense it seems fatal. If only I could turn off my love. Turn off the memories. Turn off the pain. On those days my heart aches so bad it feels like it’s being crushed by a boulder. Picking apart every memory. Wondering where we went so wrong. 

When did the boundaries become blurred

When did I stop being careful

When did my sickness become to much

When did I become black tar in the walls

Making the air thick and sticky

Why didn’t I realize you were trying to save me

Why didn’t I realize that you couldn’t

That it was my job to save myself

When did you start controlling me and belittling me in the same breath that you told me I was your everything

When did you stop respecting me, if you ever had in the first place

When did you know you didn’t love me anymore

To the girl who once who told me I was her pocket of happiness,

I could get lost in you. You were my sweet release. You gave the world color. You numbed my pain. You were my first true breath in years, filling my lungs with the sweetest and most addicting air I’d ever ingested. I’ve never felt a love as strong as the love I had for you. I’ve never felt as loved as I was by you. It was intoxicating. You gave me my identity, my self-worth, my sense of purpose. But in one breath you were able to take it all away.

The world dropped beneath my feet, slipped away

And I fell through the chair, away from you, through dark space and matter, and into a hospital bed, where I lay entangled with IVs, where a doctor with a blurry face told me I’m lucky to be alive.

You once said without me you wouldn’t be alive. You called me your guardian angel. But it turned out that sweet, addicting air you gave me was cyanide, and I sought the grave before my time. And the girl with the hazel eyes who I loved with an intensity I’d never known had to become these memories. These bits and pieces. Shards of past I struggle to piece together.

To the girl with the hazel eyes that I miss like any drowning person misses air, 

I so desperately want to forget you, but I’m so desperately afraid of forgetting you at the same time. I hate the fact that the good memories have to be spoiled by the bad ones, that they can’t be looked at without that grey filter. I wish I could keep them on their own, safe in a little box, tucked away forever like pictures I can look through to remind me of what being loved feels like. 

But who was I to think that you’d stay?

To the girl with the hazel eyes who told me I wasn’t alone in the dark,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was too much. I’m so, so sorry you had to watch me get sicker and sicker. I'm sorry I wouldn’t listen to you and go home sooner. I know it took its toll on you. I’m sorry my depression was another dark force in our home. I never wanted it to touch you, but it did. I wish I could go back and undo it all. I’m sorry you felt like you had to take care of me, and that you got so burnt out. You gave so much more than I could ever return in my weakened state, and I tried to tell you that, but I guess you didn’t hear.  Believe me, I felt like the poisonous force you saw me as. I knew I was a burden. I just loved you too much to leave. I would have done anything to hold on to what we had, even as it disintegrated around me I think part of me chose to be blind to it. I was blinded by the fear of losing you, the fear of change, the fear of the knowledge that I gave you so much power over me and that you could take so much away. I was selfish and scared and angry with my body and I just didn’t understand how much I was hurting you. I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m so sorry. 

We became toxic for each other, despite the love we may have felt. That’s the truth of the matter. This truth scalds my throat as I swallow it. 

To the girl with the hazel eyes who got me a bracelet with the roman numerals of the day we met,

Your fingernails left claw marks on my heart. The scars serve as a reminder that I was once loved with an intensity, and that I now better know how to utilize boundaries. My heart is beautiful and strong, and its scars are a map for where it’s been and what it’s withstood. It has weathered a true storm. It survived you. It survived.  

These scars are my track marks for an addiction that I am still fighting. Girl with the hazel eyes, you are the greatest addiction I have ever faced. All I’ve ever wanted is you wanting me, loving me, needing me as much as I needed you.  You are my crack, my heroin, the high I never want to come down from. I feed my addiction like a beast, and it gets stronger each time I allow myself to look back through your letters, to relive these memories.  Because this is my new self harm.  My mother checks my body, so now instead of slitting my wrists I scroll through your instagram page and let that slice me open.

To the girl with the hazel eyes who isn’t alone in the dark,

I’m very glad you had someone to save you. Because I have to save myself over and over again. I have to stop myself from calling you, from writing you, from driving up to your apartment and falling to your feet and begging you to care.

I’m learning to love now without letting it consume me. I’m learning codependence isn’t healthy, and that finding your worth in others is a recipe for disaster. 

But I miss you with an agony that tears my soul apart bit by bit with each flashback, each memory, each mention of your name. 

To the girl with the hazel eyes, the girl who I loved from the deepest parts of my soul,

I hope you are doing well. I love you. I miss you. I’m so sorry our relationship deteriorated, and I hate my part in it. I was so, so sick, and I just couldn’t see what was in front of me.  

I hope you are getting help. I am. Please remember your worth. You love and feel deeply, treat your big and beautiful heart with the care it deserves. Find people in life who will treat you with love, respect and kindness. You matter. Use boundaries in relationships. Don’t give too much, you’ll get burnt out. Balance is key. Voice your needs. Also, remember you are absolutely brilliant, please believe in yourself. You can change the world.

Please be careful with the snow. I miss making snow angels with you in the winter but I don’t want you to become one. 

To the girl with the hazel eyes that become pools of amber when she is sad,

I forgive you for everything. 

To the girl with the hazel eyes who used to bring me yellow flowers to help cure my depression,

I’m planting my own garden now.

7/6/2019

[angelicspaceprince]

Sorrow’s Hold

Author:  Anna

Title: Sorrow's Hold

Pairing: Crowley/Reader

Character/s: Crowley, mention of Cas and Jack, the Winchester bros

Warnings/Tags: Post Season 12, Crowley lives because he's my fave, depression, talks of suicide, just general poor mental health, talks of a favourite person (its a BPD thing, but I gather most people have one person they talk about their mental health to?), psychosis/hallucinations, disassociation, mood swings, anger, like some semi-intense descriptive writing, I'd avoid if you are sensitive to that due to mental illness.

Summary: Your depression takes a massive hold over you shortly after Crowley's death and without him to help you with your thoughts, you can slowly feel yourself slipping away.

Tags: saintbartine, oddone92, autoressskr,

Notes: So, had a shit day today and have been listening to 'My Heart is Broken' by Evanescence over and over, so I decided to write a fic based on it. Hope thy all enjoy!

Based off of this song.

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Sorrow's Hold

‘I pull away to face the pain I close my eyes and drift away Over the fear that I will never find A way to heal my soul And I will wander 'til the end of time Torn away from you

My heart is broken Sweet sleep, my dark angel Deliver us from sorrow's hold Or from my hard heart’ – ‘My Heart is Broken’, Evanescence

  When Sam and Dean returned with Jack and no Crowley or Cas, you instantly knew something was wrong. Hell, you knew something was wrong the day before but no matter how many times you called the boys, they didn’t pick up. So, when they walked through the door, you were a nervous wreck. It took one look at Dean and Sam to know what had happened.

“What happened?”

Sam looks at Dean, clearly unsure on how to approach the subject. “What happened to my boyfriend and Wicked Wings?” You repeat, words hard and cold as stone, tears already threatening to spill over.

“Y/N….” Sam starts, hesitating and Dean just flat out refusing to talk. “Cas….he was stabbed by Lucifer before we could close the riff. And….the spell we needed required a life. Crowley, he killed himself so it’d work.” You blink as the events that took place the night before the boys went to go save the world – again – started making sense.

Crowley had insisted you stayed behind, not wanting you to be within arm’s reach of Lucifer, knowing he’d kill you in an instant. You tried to protest, you wanted to see this through to the very end and that you could handle yourself, but when he finally told you what had happened during the hell that was the months he was locked away in Hell being humiliated by Lulu himself, you decided to cut him some slack. You weren’t even suspicious when you asked him to promise you he’d return home safely and he responded with a kiss, an inside joke between the two of you about ‘sealing the deal’.

The insistence and his refusal to verbally promise to return, and the fact that he didn’t want sex he just wanted to spend time talking about your life together, stuff you had done and wanted to do, the fact that at one point you swore he was teary-eyed, but that’s not Crowley. He wouldn’t be like that, the last time he cried was when he was on the blood and you had to help him through his withdrawals.

It made sense now.

You hadn’t released that you sat down in shock and that tears were streaming. You were silent, vocal cords frozen in disbelief. “He’ll be back.” You swear, voice wobbling, giving away the fact you knew he was going to stay dead.

Sam’s hand rests on your shoulder, trying to provide you with some level of comfort. “Y/N…I’m sorry, but I don’t think he is.”

Shortly after, you snapped.

You knew it was coming, this time of year you always had a massive depressive spell that you and Crowley could track better than you could track any other part of your body. You had been preparing for it when he died, and usually he’d be there to help. He was your support, the one person you seeked approval from and the one person you seeked help from during the times like this. Eight years of this support and you were unaccustomed to go through this alone, or even setting up and preparing for all of this.

So, with the very few resources you had prepared, you locked yourself in your room and allowed yourself to slip away.

First came the tears. God, you were sure that you would have been able to fill oceans with the amount of tears you cried. You cried and cried, never leaving your bed for anything, dressed in a shirt of Crowley’s, clinging onto his pillow tightly as your tears soaked through the fabric of the black, satiny pillow case, because he refused to have any other colour. Sam and Dean would leave food and water by your door, and on occasion would bring it in when it became apparent you weren’t leaving the room to get it. They tried talking to you about hunts, about memories of Crowley, about how amazingly strong you are getting through this, but you didn’t have the strength to respond. You barely had the strength to cry, but the tears kept on coming.

You did, however, force yourself to drink water, Crowley’s voice ringing in your head to remind you that tears make you dehydrated and that’s not something you need to be.

A week of tears, only drinking water and refusing to get out of bed for anything but to pee. The boys were concerned, and rightfully so. But, they presumed once the tears were over that that’d be the end of it.

Then the zoning out happened

You’d spend hours just staring at the wall, retreating into your mind, uncontrollably. You likened it to sitting in a pool, the words you hear are jarbled but you can acknowledge words were being said. You could see everything, but it was all foggy. Thoughts were slow and hard to grasp. You just….sat there. Unable to move, unable to think, drowning in nothingness.

When Sam first saw you he freaked out. Seconds later, you felt a familiar pressure on your forehead and the feeling of someone you knew – Cas? – rummaging around your mind, hands grasping at your consciousness, trying to drag you out only for you to slip through ghost fingers.

So, they did the next best thing. They sat with you, taking shifts, leaving Netflix on as they researched beside you, helping you through the fatigue that followed you coming out of an attack. At some stage, you came out of it to see a bearded Ketch in your room, bullet wound on his shoulder as he slams a tray of food down by your feet, simply saying that Crowley wouldn’t want you to waste away before disappearing into the night. You don’t know why you like Ketch, but you like him nonetheless. So, you ate a little and drank more water.

That, thankfully, only lasted a few days. But what followed would have freaked you out, if you didn’t currently have the emotional range of a toaster.

It was almost like a ritual. You’d bring out all your weapons and line them up in order of how slowly they’d kill you, nearly going through with it with your gun or tracing lightly the words you wanted to carve onto your legs, leaving light scratches. When Dean walked in with your gun in your mouth, he flipped. You’d never seen him so pissed.

You didn’t even apologise. Just staring at him emptily, not sure why he was freaking out so badly. After all, you weren’t loved, who were you to keep living? Who’d care if you died, if anything, people would rejoice.

Sam quickly removed everything from your room that could be seen as a weapon, leaving you in a more or less empty room. So, you resolved to just laying there. Staring at the ceiling, unable to move.

Now, over a month since Crowley’s death, your brain started something new

You hadn’t been this bad for this long since childhood, for the most part your episodes would last a week, maybe two. So, when the next symptom started up, you were completely unprepared.

Hallucinations.

You were there when Sam was suffering with his visions after Cas tore down the wall in his brain, so you were certain yours would get worse. But, for the most part, it didn’t affect you as bad as Sam’s affected him.

Commanding voices telling you to change your sheets, shower, brush your hair that had been neglected for months – which, thankfully, a local hairdresser was more than happy to do for free when she saw you grabbing top quality conditioner and detangler –, to eat something other than a small apple or a piece of bread, to wash your clothes and put something clean on. The voices were never cruel, they just wanted you to get your life back together.

The only thing they did that caused you to freak out was order you to clear our Crowley’s belongings from your room.

You couldn’t.

It was too soon.

It was the only time you refused to go through with the voices instructions, compromising to instead move his stuff into your closet so it was unseen.

Images of the ghosts of your past would walk right in front of you, you’d swear you saw your deceased boyfriend next to you, but when you turned, you were alone. The sensation of hands rubbing up and down your arms, applying the right pressure to calm you, exactly the same way Crowley would during anxiety attacks would make you think ‘maybe he managed to return in spirit form’. A quick spell assured you that that was not the case.

You couldn’t sleep. Your emotions were slowly returning in full force, making up for lost time. The sensation of complete anger then crippling sadness before heart-attack inducing anxiety leaving you useless in a ball wherever you were standing made it impossible for you to even do anything. You began apologising profusely to Dean and Sam for your actions, and even met Jack. Nice kid.

But any time you saw or remembered anything about your boyfriend, you became catatonic. Just unable to move, paralysed by the tsunami of emotions flowing through you.

So, when you woke up in the middle of the night to see him standing over you, calling your name softly, you were ready to stamp down the sudden oncoming of emotions that hit you like a brick wall.

“Y/N, love. C’mon, wake up for me.” His gravely voice pulling you from your nightmares slowly. “You were having a nightmare, pet, its not real.” You blink before laughing apathetically.

“Figures that this would be the next step.” You say, no emotion in your voice. The vision looks down at you, confused.

“Love?”

“My brain is a prick, you know that? And this is just cruel, giving me a vision of you to torment me? Fucking hell, I’m more messed up than I released.” You turn your body, bringing your blankets closer to you, inhaling his scent through the pillow. Only, it seems to be encompassing the room, coming from everywhere. You roll your eyes. Your brain is thorough too.

A warm hand rests on your shoulder and it takes all your strength to shrug it off, not wanting it to leave. The hand is stubborn and refuses to move. “Y/N, I’m really hear pet.” His voice sounds heartbroken, unsure. Not Crowley. “Love, I came back. I had to follow Lucifer through the rift then make my way here.” You move away, it’s painful to do so but you manage. Standing, you move to the opposite side of the room. The look in Crowley’s eyes of concern and uncertainty was foreign, but undoubtedly there. “Why did you do it?”

He slowly makes his way around the bed. “Do what?”

“Leave me? Especially now, when I was about to crash. Why didn’t you promise me to return?” Your voice wobbles as you fight back more tears. Fuck’s sake, why can’t you control yourself?

He pauses, clearly affected by your growing emotions. “I’m so sorry, love, but I had to. We had to get him away, and I couldn’t- you would have been in danger if you were there.”

“Why didn’t you tell me your plans? That you were going to gank yourself?”

“Would you have honestly let me leave the Bunker knowing that I was going to take my own life?”

“Well, no.” You admit softly and he shrugs.

“There you have it then.” You didn’t release he had moved to in front of you until his feet are touching yours. “Please love, look at me.” You shake your head, eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Why not?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’ll hurt.” You can hear his confusion without him voicing a word. “I can’t look at you and know that you aren’t real.”

“Oh love, I’m very real.” His hand brushes against your shoulder and you yank back, sudden anger taking over your system as you begin to yell.

“Why can’t you leave me alone? I’m tired, Crowley. I’m tired of feeling, of living, of not knowing what’s going on and what’s happening, of having absolutely no fucking control of my body. I don’t want you to be here, to torment me! You left me, Crowley. You didn’t tell me shit and you knew you were going to die. And you don’t enter fuck all without knowing what’s happening. You should have told me.” You sit down on the bed, tears streaming yet again. Surely you had cried enough? Why was your body not tired enough, and how could it still be producing tears? “You should have told me.” You repeat, voice broken.

To his credit, he doesn’t try to leave you, or step back, or even react shocked. He just stands there, waiting for you to finish. “I know, I should have told you. I’m really sorry, but I’m back and in one piece.” You finally look up and stare at him.

“How do I know it’s you? Not a hallucination, not a trick from an angel or a demon.” He looks down before humming.

“Well, have you had any hallucinations recently?” You think over it.

“Only voices. Shadows. Not…not together though.” You admit. “But it could have progressed.” Crowley nods.

“Well, let’s think about this logically. What have the voices said to you?”

“They, they told me to do stuff.”

“Have I done that, pet?”

“No?”

“Then why would they change?” You nod slowly. Your auditory hallucinations had been relatively consistent with their theme, not really changing besides the orders given.

“But then you could be a trick. Asmodeous is apparently good at that sort of thing, or a shapeshifter?” Crowley hums before smiling, a genuine smile that only you ever got to see.

“When we first met, it was before I met the boys. You were working a case about this idiot who sold his soul to me and you managed to get me into a devil’s trap and ward off my hellhounds, and at the same time was working on a case concerning a nest of vampires the town over. All on your own.” You smile at the memory of an insulted and annoyed Crowley glaring at you as you left him alone for a day mid-interrogation to go and deal with the vamps. “I was pissed, but you kept me there for a week. We got flirting, I would come see you to invite you for drinks-’

“Stalked.” You interrupt. “The word you are looking for is stalked.”

“It worked though, didn’t it?” You roll your eyes, letting out a watery laugh. “You agreed to one drink if it meant that I’d, and I quote, “fucked off back to hell and never bothered you again”. One drink slowly turned into this.” You smile softly.

“You’re really back, aren’t you?”

“Yes, love, I am.”

“If you ever do something that fucking stupid again, I’m killing you myself.”

“I know you will, pet.” You launch yourself at him, holding him tightly as you nearly wind him.

“I missed you.” You admit, him returning the sentiment as you snuggled in close. Seconds pass before you finally ask the question you only wanted to ask him that had been burning in your mind for days now. “Am I broken?”

He looks down at you in slight surprise. “What on earth could be broken in you, love?” You shrug.

“My heart, my soul. Me. Just generally broken.” You shrug it off. “It’s stupid.” His hand grasps at your chin and makes you look up at him.

“There is not an inch of you that is broken, you are whole and you are perfect.” He reminds you. “You are human.” That last sentence makes you feel so much better, that small reminder squashing away any feelings of uncertainty that you are, in fact, nothingness. “When was the last time you slept a full night without any disruptions?” You shrug, honestly not being able to remember. “C’mon, go to sleep. We can talk about everything else in the morning.”

He leads you to your bed, moving instantly to wrap his arms around you as he presses against your back, his warmth and familiar scent and pressure as he holds you tight calming you instantly. “I love you.” You whisper quietly.

“Love you too.” Comes the reply with a chaste kiss to your temple.

“If I wake up tomorrow and you’re gone, I’m going to find a way to murder my brain.” You hear him laugh lightly before you start to slip away into the darkness.

“I know you would.”

It took a while, but eventually sorrow’s hold let go and you were on the mend. The boys weren’t impressed with Crowley’s surprise return, but you knew one thing for certain.

Everything was going to be okay.