#and im closer to 36 now than to when he died

[natandacat]

wait this deserves its own weirded out post

NINE YEARS???

[weeb-writor]

Bittersweet Arguments

Heyo! Today I have a Cove x Reader! He is from a visual novel called Our Life: Beginning and always. Its available on Steam and itch.io for free! But I do encourage you all to get the dlc is it is more than worth it. It is inclusive of all race, sexual orientation and pronouns/gender. Also all the characters are just amazing and loveable. I could go on and on about this game but let me shut up so you all can read^^

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Cove Holden x GN!Reader

You and cove get into a bad argument and picking up the pieces is hard.

Word Count: 2.4k(not beta read)

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“Cove hasn't talked to you…yeah I’m just worried, they haven't gone more than a week without speaking since they met. They’re going on week 3 soon… yeah I know… yeah… alright I let you know what I can find out.” Ma said, hanging up with a sigh. You rounded the corner glancing at her as you plopped down on the sofa.

“We're not 8 any more, you don't have to call Cliff anytime we get in a fight.” you said with a chuckle.

“Honey, that's the thing, you and cove have never fought. We called about Lizzie plenty of times but you… it's just parents being parents. We're just worried.” She said stroking your hair. You grasped her hand and gave it a squeeze before you got up.

“Don’t be.” You said as you went up to your room. Well you were packing so really it was just a room with a bed. You plopped down face first into it. You just laid there mind racing a mile a minute. The fight, the disagreements, the tears played over and over again. It was simple at first and then it wasn't. Then it was yelling, arms flailing, and angry tears. What would happen next? It was a fear you thought that was already put to rest but it came again, and again, and again. Each time it was more and more muddled. What would happen to you both? How would long distance work? Were you supposed to tell your parents about your engagement? Who would come visit who? How often? No matter what question it was, the answer always resulted in more questions. 

To you it was like Cove didn't trust you, like he didn't believe you loved him enough to do anything to make it work. For Cove you were… well you don't know. He was silent about the issue of the future. It was like you were discussing it with yourself as if there isn't another person in the relationship. It was frustrating, it made you angry at him and at yourself for being angry at him. You grabbed your pillow which had become a bucket for your tears and you cried and screamed into it. Over time your tears and screams died down and you drifted into not a peaceful sleep but a painful one. When you woke up you stumbled down stairs in a trance and nearly rounded the corner before you heard it. You stopped in your tracks immediately and sunk to the floor. It was him, your love, the neighborhood boy, Cove Holden.

“How are they?” He spoke quietly.

“I can't lie to you and say they're fine but they are resting right now.” Mom said with a sigh.

“Tha… T-That’s fine but what about eating, drinking, packing, and leaving the house?” He stuttered nervously. You wanted to laugh. It was so Cove to still be nervous talking to someone he knew essentially his whole life.

“Yes, of course. We’ve made sure, nothing to worry about.” At that you heard a sigh of relief come from the green haired boy.

“Okay, okay good. Um could you just let me know if they need anything.” His voice was shaky like he wanted to cry.

“They need you, kid.” Your mom said slowly. There was a long silence at this. Was it actually long or were you just anxious you weren’t sure.

“...I need them more.” He said in a barely intelligible whisper. Goodbyes were said and stayed on the floor even as you heard mom coming your way. When she was in your sight her eyes widened but more in worry than surprised. You tilted your head at her and that’s when you felt it. Tears were cascading from your eyes. You wiped them away in surprise and rose to your feet.

“Im fine.” You said before jogging to your room where you curled into a ball as if to shield you from the impending doom. From this position you watched the sunset and the moon rise, almost unblinking. You felt tears soak your pillow, you had begun crying without realizing again.

This couldn't go on, you had to talk to Cove.

Muscle memory had kicked in from the one time you had snuck into Cove’s room and boom. You were sitting on his bedside stroking his hair as he slept. Just like you it seemed his sleep was anything but peaceful. His brow was creased and you couldn’t help but thumb along it prompting him to wake up. His eyes shot open and he blinked a while before he sighed. 

“Are you gonna be a dream or a nightmare.” he said softly.

“I'm in your nightmares?” You said glancing to the side. At this he shot up. Tears pulled in his eyes as he held his hand out to you. As soon as his fingers brushed your face he let out a quiet sob.

“So dream or nightmare then?” You said with watery eyes.

“An absolute dream.” He said with a firmness in him that was rare.

“Cove I don't want to talk about it right now, can we sleep...together.”

“Yes!” he shouted quietly, immediately making space for you under his blankets. You moved with equal amount of eagerness and soon for the first time in a while you felt truly at peace.

“Can...can I hold you.” You didn't say anything to his request, just moved closer and grabbed onto his nightshirt. Instantly you both fall into a deep peaceful sleep.

“Hey kid, I wanna talk…” Cliff trailed off awkwardly as he locked eyes with you. Cove was fast asleep, head in your lap and arms squeezing you. You smiled and put your finger to your lips. Cliff got the signal and walked out with a smile. Cove slept for 30 minutes more before his icy blue eyes met yours.

“Uh, wanna eat? I got all the ingredients for…” he didn’t need to finish the red flush of his face said enough. He was eating your favorite and you were eating his. You let off a quiet laugh.

“I’m feeling more peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwiches. Maybe some fruit.” You smiled down at him. His eyes lit up and you were dragged into the kitchen and now you both were about done making the sandwiches.

“What are you glaring at my sandwiches for?” You jokingly accused him.

“There isn’t enough honey on it, honey.” He said poking your forehead. You laughed and he laughed and then you both went to sit at the table. Mr. Holden was there too and made moves to get up but was stopped by the both of you shouting no. Awkwardly he sat back down.

“So, how’s packing coming? Coves been putting it off, so much.” He asked you gently.

“I’m pretty much done! Nothing in my room but a bed now.” You said with a smile.

“That’s great, still planning on leaving for college?” He asked with caution.

“Yeah, that’s the plan. I’m going to miss having you around.” You said with a small smile. The impromptu breakfast was over soon after this and you were left alone with cove again. Questions about the future loomed over you and this time you were going to get answers.

“Can... we talk?” You said staring at him with determination.

“Yes..” he trailed off

“No Cove, can we really talk? Like talk things out, like argue and come to a consensus.”

“Yes but I just don’t... want us to fight” he said playing with his hands.

“Arguments are normal cove, hell they’re healthy even. The unhealthy part is what you do during the argument and what you do after. Of course, we could try just talking first.” You smiled at him hoping to ease his nervousness.

“So you mean to say storming off to your son's room and pacing isn't a healthy way of closing an argument?” He said with a joking tone.

“Well if we ever get to the talk about the future, maybe one day you could see just how healthy it is…” You trailed off looking at him hopefully. Cove let out one of his cute squeaks as he flushed red. He raked his fingers through his hair before he grabbed your hand and pulled you to the sofa.

“Let's… talk then.” he said, glancing at you and then away.

“Alright, Cove, I'm going far away. What you are asking to do is impractical, I'm asking you not to do it.” You said seriously.

“It's 36 hours by car on the fastest route and 3 hours and 29 minutes by plane, it's not impractical, it's totally possible.” He said with unusually fierce eyes.

“Sure but you want to do it every two weeks, twice a month! It's not safe for you to drive that long. Think of the money it’ll cost to fly or put gas in your car. Also you'll have your own bills now, your own place. It's not all that possible.” You spoke firmly.

“Doesn't matter… i'll make it possible and safe. If I need to, I'll stay with my dad for a while. Moving out isn’t that big of a deal” He said not backing down

“No Cove, do you hear yourself? You’ve wanted to move out and be in your own place for a while. What happened to the boy who wanted to do everything the way he wanted without listening to set rules or a predetermined plan?”

“This isn't someone's predetermined plan for me, it's what I want.”

“What about what I want?” you said softly

“Is what you want… not to be around me? Or am I too.. too clingy for you? Cause if so I promise I won't intrude too much.. And I’ll give you space-”

“No! Its nothing like that! You are never gonna be too clingy for me, you could get clinger if you wanted. I just want you to be safe, okay?” You said cutting that thought off immediately

“I promise I will be then.” He said hesitantly.

“Baby, the whole action of it isn't safe physically or financially for either of us right now. I'm not saying you can't come but what about once every month or even better ill come back here every break I have. They aren't frequent but I'd be with you for a while.”

“It's not enough!” He said, raising his voice at you. It's the first time he’d ever done it but you didn't respond, you just blinked at him and waited for him to continue.

“I need to see you more than that.. I just have to.” He said, looking away from you.

“Why? We’ve spent weeks apart before. Every summer you leave and we come out of it fine, it's the same.”

“No its not the same, at all.” He spoke firmly as his eyes got misty but he pressed on. “When I went with my mom I knew where you were, what you were most likely doing. It was routine, sunset bird is our place. Even if something new comes along I'm never out of the loop… but when you leave you’ll be in a new place with different people and new things you can experience. You’ll be in a place with all four seasons, they get snow! I won't know what you're doing any more and we might not even be on the same wavelength any more. You’ll make new friends and meet people who won't be afraid to lay in bed with you or stutter a lot or make weird noises. You’ll be changing and I’ll still be the same 8 year old cry baby you met on the poppy hill… you’ll leave and then you’ll disappear.” He said scrubbing at his tears. You stared at him before you started to laugh. You laughed so hard you started to cry.

“Let me get this straight, you want to come visit me so often because you're afraid I'll become this social butterfly and find better people than you, Miranda, and Terri? Me?” You were overcome with laughter again and paused to catch your breath. “I’m overly honest, pushy, a little demanding, and have “strange” interests. When have you ever known me to be easy to make friends with or be sociable with any other than you? You know I knew I was gonna marry you from the moment I laid eyes on you at the ripe age of 8? I wish some dumb college kid would try to change my plans i’d kill them… nothing is gonna take me away from you and I will always come home. Home, cove holden, is wherever you are.” Cove was hugging you in a second crying into your neck.

“I quite like your squeaks and weird noises by the way.” You could feel his face heat up in your neck as he laughed.

“Every break?”

“Every break longer than 2 days.”

“At my place… the whole time?”

“Duh I said I was going home.”

“Alright then, we agree. I want to come spend a break with you though, want to see your place.” He said squeezing you tighter.

“Of course… Also one last thing we need to put to bed.” Cove let out a groan at your words.

“Nothing bad at all. Just this.” You reached into your back pocket and pulled out a black velvet box. You handed it to cove as his eyes watered again.

“I know I already proposed but I wanted to get you something regardless. Its also so all these single people keep their grubby little paws off my love.” He blushed at you and whispered your name the way he always did when he was feeling embarrassed or overwhelmed. He opened it as tears fell down his face.

“Theres two?” 

“Yeah look at the inside of the bands.” Each one was engraved with your respective nicknames for each other.

“Were engaged we minus well look the part. This way everybody at my college knows I managed to lockdown the most amazing guy to ever grace sunset bird.” You said kissing his nose. He wasted no time putting his on and handing you yours.

“I love you.” He said, eyes no longer misty.

“I love you so much, Cove.” You echoed his sentiment.

“Wanna go to our hill, we have a lot to make up for. I’ve missed you so much.” He said, grabbing your hand. You nodded and you both turned to leave. You both quickly made eye contact with Clifford Holden who was misty eyed. You gathered he had been there for a while.

“Sho...Should I pretend i didn't just see or hear that as well?” He said his hand on his neck.

[p1nkwitch]

If I can request one more lonelyeyes than can I have 36?

Its still lonelyeyes but with James/Peter first because you stumped me completely, I was on a soft roll!! What have you done? Is it because I never write sad stuff for realsies isn't it?

Jokes on you, I can still turn this boat around and get fluff at the end :)

36- “We can never be together” kiss

James was being difficult and it was starting to piss him off, they have been going out, not speaking well, which for him is quite the feat. The older man was… well he was handsome and he would have to admit that he enjoyed his company, perhaps-

Perhaps a little more than that, but lately he had been acting off and Peter was getting very frustrated, he even has been slowly making attempts at showing interest for something… more.

He was somewhat clumsy since he was not used to that kind of stuff, however he was calmly rebuffed, even if months ago the man would laugh a little and flirt back with interest. The sting of rejection was delightful in its own way, but he really did want the other one to reciprocate.

It was maddening.

So he invites him for dinner when he is in land, James was about to deny him, but he said it was in that particular restaurant that he likes, reserved and prepared just for them. He sees the hesitation crumble and he accepts.

Feeling much more pleased he tells him the time and date and disappears from his office. Now with a better mood he gets some clothes fit for the occasion and makes sure everything is set perfectly, with any luck this time he won't get rebuffed, or if he is he will ask for an explanation.

Peter is aware of the age difference between them, very much so, but its not so much the body rather than the man who despite his looks is sharp and funny in his own way, who delights on their own wagers and knows when to drop it and leave him alone if they get into a fight.

So yes, Peter is charmed despite everything. Forsaken curls and uncurls around him, trying to figure out what to do with him. He won't abandon it, that's also the reason why he likes the man, he understands his connection to his god and is aware that he won't choose him before it, a relationship between them would be nothing if productive for both.

Finally the day arrives and he gets there a little bit late 15 minutes or so, not wanting to give the man the inkling that he was expecting him. Of course James merely gives him a look, raises an annoyed eyebrow and walks inside, leaving him feeling cold and delighted.

The dinner goes off without a hitch, they talk and joke, make a few comments about sacrifices for their gods, it all goes well. He looks at James while sipping some wine and sees a small smile that lets him know it's not all going bad, maybe this changes his mind finally!

So it goes and he shifts ever so slightly towards him during the course of it. He doesn't comment or rebuff him, so things are looking up.

Finally its time for desert and he asks for some cake, the man looks delighted and eats it rather happily, Peter asks for a slice of apple crumble rather than the chocolate cake, so after giving it a few looks the other man sighs and asks if he wants to try it. Grinning he nods and tries to steal some, but its stopped by him who takes a piece with his fork and offers it at him with a challenging smirk.

He stops, too close, but also not enough.

Ugh-

James rolls his eyes and eats it instead, offering the plate, making him huff. Still he tries it and its very good, mmm maybe he should make some chocolate muffins before he goes away again its been a while-

Anyways, once done he offers to go along with him to take him home and that's when he sees him frown and stiffen. Peter hesitates a little bit unsure of what the issue was.

“Peter… i appreciate the company i do, but this is not… whatever this is, its not going further. It can't, i apologize if i gave you the wrong idea” He blinks rapidly and tries to understand, he flirted back, he knows he did, he-

Did he read it wrong this entire time? Forsaken is tugging at him to disappear and forget this now, to erase any shame or embarrassment and let him be released from it. But-

No, he needs to figure it out first, it can have been just him!!! He saw the beholder smiles and flushed faces, it's not just him.

“Why? You flirted back, im not, its not just me, so what is the problem!” He is a little bit more annoyed at it and he can already hear the distorted sound of the lonely around them, keeping people out from seeing them or hearing them. James' face goes hard and blank at the same time making him clench his teeth.

“I'm afraid it won't work, plus… i believe you are a little bit young, i'm sure someone closer to your age would be far more fitting than me” The way he said that sounded a little bit odd to him, but he ignored it.

“I don't care, i really don't!” James stares him down and he feels the sensation of eyes piercing his head.

“Stop that!” It subsides. The man sighs and steps closer to him, making him give a step back. He smiles somwhat nastily.

“Peter i mean it, we cant in fact i will ask of you to not contact me again beyond that of business, people are really getting the wrong impression about me and i cant have that now” He shuts his mouth close and steps forward just right in front of him. He sees his lips twitch and his eyes briefly look down to his mouth and in a fit of childish pettines he leans down and kisses him briefly. It's short and bitter, he intends to be a goodbye before leaving, but he feels him lean forward and like magnets they end up coming together, the kiss becomes deeper and he fights him all the way through, James sneaks his hands around his neck and pulls him closer still, slotting them perfectly. The warmth and the bitter knowledge that he won't change his mind make him stop with a gasp, but the other just moves and bites his lip before giving him a short peck and steps back.

“I'm sorry Peter, but we can't really be together like this” Peter who is not used to strong feelings feels his face contort in fury.

“Fine, be that way mister Wright. Goodbye” He is pulled away and misses the stricken face the other makes before going back to a neutral one.

He leaves for almost a year and refuses to go to any meeting, merely sending in the money requested from the institute. Better like this he figures.

Eventually after two years of that his uncle scolds him in his… own way and tells him to go.

So he does.

It's not what he expected at all, instead of James Wright a very young man named Elias Bouchard sits as head of the institute.

“Ah the elusive Mister Lukas, i was expecting you my predecessor left some notes about you-”

“What happened to James?” He is still puzzled, did he retire? Elias' face does a complicated journey that settles in a fake smile.

“He unfortunately died last year and I have been his replacement since. It was honestly quite sudden a heart attack out of all things” It sort of shuffles around his mind trying to comprehend what the man was saying, he… died ? he missed the funeral then, one of those calls he ignored-

“Oh” And that's all, he sits, lets the man speak, and even if it sort of feels familiar in a way he just shrugs his way around signs the papers pointed at him and goes. Again he does not see the disappointment in Elias' face.

So he comes and talks with him and then he leaves, rinse and repeat, Peter learned his lesson by now and its rather happy to not pay attention to the new beholder. Covering himself with the fog more and more and leaving him ruffled at his passiveness. He has a very light thought that he is sounding more and more like his uncle as time goes by, which is a frightening prospect but at his rate not unwelcomed. 

Elias asks him out eventually and he declines.

That sets him off in the end.

“Oh my god Peter this has gone on for too long, i thought it was some fancy but i'm really getting tired of your attitude. I apologize for how things ended but please can you fucking look me in the eyes and tell me what you see!?” Now absolutely baffled he gives him a look and shakes his head.

“What are you-”

“I was going to switch! I couldn't keep you around during that! Plus people were speaking and while i tried to get Elias it would look bad so i needed to make it less suspicious. I did want to date you. It just wasn't the right time that's all” He is starting to get angry now because he had been rifling thought his mind and was using it-

“Don't mess with me and spy just to play an awful prank on-” Elias groans, gets up, walks to him, making him step back and grabs his face making him look directly at him. He freezes at the contact, the last person he touched and was this close to was James almost three years ago.

“Look into my eyes you see weaded idiot” He stares they aren't that special, they are just grey just like Jam-

“No” He grins and its so bloody familiar and unnerving he gasps.

“Oh yes, i have been looking after my institute all this time and i wasnt about to stop now” His mind reels and he sort of gapes a little until he mumbles the name.

“Jonah Magnus?” Elias grins is positively vicious but he can see it twitch and his eyes go softer. Oh my god-

“Hi” Peter stares far longer than he ever has to another human face. Once his mind finally sorts everything out he kicks him in the leg making him let out a yell and he grabs his face before kissing him deeply. That shuts him up. Elias was shorter than James by a few inches which were hell for his neck, but ultimately he was more concerned with just kissing him harder, something the man was happy to reciprocate.

They end up making out on the couch in his office for the next 20 minutes, all between curses and questions.

“Why you-” He gets a bite on the jaw and he clutches his waist in warning.

“Told you the body was old, gossip was going around. And i-” Peter kisses him and bites his neck, making him moan a little bit.

“I panicked, i did like you, hell i wanted to take you to my place and do this and more, but my body was seriously getting in the way-” Another peck on the lips.

“Is that- fuck is that wh you said that about me finding someone younger?” He nods and goes to attach himself to his neck.

“Yes- it was a reference to Elias. Plus I thought… you weren't being serious about James” Peter has mixed feelings, lots and lots of mixed feelings that he will ignore and maybe just maybe parse through once he is alone at sea, but for now-

“Stupid, i dont care how you look as long as its you” He feels his cheeks burn and forskaen hiss at him more for that than the making out, but its betetr to let it out now.

“i will only say this time, so get it in your head” James/Jonah/Elias nods and kisses him again, he sees him flush and smiles a little bit before laughing and hiding his face on his neck. Both of them embarrassed for different reasons.

“Say do you want to marry me?” He hears him choke and Peter grins, perhaps its a crazy idea and out of nowhere, but he is rather happy with it.

Elias doesn't answer yet, merely berates him. 

But once he is about to leave he tells him to give him a ring and ask again right.

“Is that a yes?” He gives him a look that would be terrifying if he wasn't staring at the small hickey in his neck barely peeking from his shirt.

“Its not a no, now go you already messed up my afternoon”

“Sure thing little starfish” The offended sound follows him back. Oh they will make each other possibly miserable, but they will have fun though it.

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Alt. Timeline: Todoroki ver. [Part 1]

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

Star tears in which Todoroki falls for Momo first.

shortly after the exam with Aizawa he doesn’t know what he’s feeling but just admires her strength and quick thinking

and him hanging out with Deku and Iida at lunch means Todo hears all the nice and good things Momo does when she and Iida to discuss class prez stuff

which intensifies this ??admiration?? and respect more

and he just?? Holds onto those feelings unable to figure out what they are until idk maybe holidays where 1A and 1B throw that holiday hotpot party

and Momos really cute lookin’ in that Santa hat she made with the festive turtleneck

and so that feeling inside Todo grows into something more??? bc "oh shit she cute".... and Todo’s blushing while looking at her from afar. Probably.

so Todo talks to Fuyumi abt it and Fuyumi’s like: “I think you like her Shouto”

and he writes to his mom abt it and Rei's like: “she sounds like a lovely girl Shouto”

and he texts Natsuo abt it and Natsu's like: “aw little bro has a crush”

but all the while this is happening, Momo's gotten closer with Iida over class prez stuff and hero stuff and everyone in 1A (read: mina and hagakure) think iimomo might be a thing???

ofc Momo denies it and making excuses politely like "no no ofc not we're being responsible class prez and vice prez" but she’s kinda stuttery while doing so, so no one buys it

and no ones brave enough to ask Iida except Ochako but he gives some straight laced answer like "i admire her work ethic and respect her as a hero and vice prez" but he also has some tint of blush across his cheeks

so idk fast forward to graduation where Todo's been holding onto these feelings for Momo since first year and iimomo is still very very likely

so its all cherry blossom petals flying around and congratulatory celebrations

and when Todo sees Momo amongst the sakura trees smiling like he's never seen before (bc they're finally officially heroes!!) he thinks she’s beautiful

but just as he's about to approach her, Iida approaches her and Todo can see she's blushing and he knows its really not good to eavesdrop on one of his best friends and the girl he likes

But... he's curious.

or so he lies to himself.

Ofc what he hears isnt what he ever wants to,,,,

cuz Iida just confessed to her.

and she feels the same.

and a star tear slips from Todo's eye as he walks away.

he stops mid step as he touches his cheek bc he didnt even realize he was crying

but what are these tears??? What’s happening?? He's never had these before bc even though Todo is an emotional crier, he doesn’t cry that often.. only when he is completely overwhelmed with emotion

so he has this dumbfounded expression staring at his fingers as these star tears are twinkling out of his eyes catching sunlight and sakura petals

until he hears "Youre a fucking idiot" from a few steps away

Bakugou. 

(Baku really likes eavesdropping ok its not the first time lol)

Baku: theyre called star tears.

Todo: You know what these are?

Baku: it happens when you like someone and that person doesnt like you back, idiot.

Todo: ... oh.

Baku: get that shit sorted or you'll go blind

(And for those who are curious, yes maaaayyybe Bakugou has a case of the stars in this timeline too, that’s how he knows. To whom? I'll let you decide bc honestly, I just want todobaku brotp bonding over unrequited love)

so now Todo thinks he might be fucked. One of his best friends confessed to the girl he likes too and she likes him back and now Todo has this disease that might make him go blind and might get in the way of heroing (which they've all secured post graduation positions by now) and what can he do about it?

nothing, says the doctor he sees. The disease is not curable and the only way to stop it is to have your feelings returned else you'll go colour blind and then completely blind, so he's told.

ya he's really fucked.

maybe its a good thing then, that he doesnt cry often. It makes it easier to ice over these feelings, freeze them in time with the memories of U.A.; of his last congratulations to her and her smile at the end of the ceremony an hour after he overheard that confession

maybe its another good thing that right after graduation, everyone went off to their own positions as side kicks with agencies across japan, focusing on heroing

but its 3 months after graduation that Iida tells Deku and Todoroki that he is seeing Momo when they meet up every Friday to catch up

its 6 months after graduation that its publicly announced in Hero Magazine that Ingenium and Creati are dating

its 9 months after graduation that he sees Iida and Momo attending the Hero Association's rising stars gala as a couple and are seated at the same table as them

(Bakugou is scowling at him across the table.)

Todo tries. He really does. To be happy for them.

but he's angry at himself that he can't be happy for them. That it saddens him to see Momo glowing under the ballroom lights but its not himself to make her shine like that, its Iida. That he sees she is the one to make Iida genuinely happy in the way his eyes light up when he smiles at her.

and all three times Todo goes home, lies down alone in his room, an arm slung across his forehead as the star tears leak from his eyes.

he starts to lose seeing colour at 12 months.

after 24 months he needs glasses for colour correction (and ironically gets a sponsorship with the brand. The fashion magazines print headlines for weeks "Hot-Cold Hero Shouto Fall Fashion! See page 7 spread for his newest spotted specks and turtle necks")

at 36 months Iida breaks the news. Iida's gonna propose to Yaoyorozu and wants him, Deku, and his brother to be his groomsmen

she said yes.

and a part of Todo washes away with the star tears flooding him room and twinkling against the tatami.

he tries to stay out of the wedding planning as much as possible. He'll go to the tuxedo fittings as requested and still keep up hearing the updates when seeing Iida and Deku for their weekly get together on Friday nights. 

But for anything involving Momo's presence, there will always be a "sorry i have a mission that week", "sorry im visiting my mom", "sorry Endeavor needs to see me about the agency"

... all excuses Bakugou knows, but the others pay no mind. They are rising heroes near the top of the billboard by now

month 48. Wedding day.

she's stunning. Gorgeous. A near goddess walking down the aisle on her big day.

but she's not walking down for him. No its for iida.

there was the ceremony, the cheers, the congratulations, the reception. Fairy lights around the dance floor and along the walls, champagne glittering after the sound of a cork

Todoroki stands off to against the wall as the night dies down, a glass in hand, watching the newly weds grace the dance floor.

someone slides up beside him, he feels the presence. Bakugou.

"She's beautiful isnt she?"

"Yeah."

. . .

a star tear falls from Todoroki's eyes, twinkle hidden among the fairy lights and champagne glitter.

she's beautiful, but maybe its a good thing I can't see

somebody said: what if she knows everything that had happened and the reason why he couldn't continue his career is bc of her?

me: ok you’re asking for it

Momo, 3 months pregnant with iimomo baby, announces with Iida the news to their friends

the soon to be parents want to choose godparents for the baby so Iida gets to choose the baby’s godmother and Momo gets to choose the godfather

and ofc along with the announcement Momo asks Todoroki to be the kid’s godfather

he can’t say no to her.

the same week later Todo and Momo's agencies are requested to deal with this one villain case while Ingenium's agency deals with another in another town (later turns out the cases were connected)

small talk, civil, very professional between Momo and Todo when they’re in the debriefing

at this point Todo's pretty much completely blind and uses some special contact lenses from Hatsume to help "see"

but the contact lenses can only do so much as to detect light movement and shadows and it reallllllllly doesnt work well when he's using his fire 

so Todo already had tossed around the idea of running away to the mountains like Roy did in the FMA 2003 ending, "mysteriously" retiring bc really his vision cannot keep up

until this last mission with Momo

and really its been nearly a decade now since they last worked together side by side (not since U.A. he thinks).. so just let the blind man be selfish one last time

and so smth smth missiom happens, Todo and Momo fighting side by side

but Momo senses there’s something off with Todo's movements? His reflexes are slower.. it doesnt seem like he's prediciting the opponents moves like he used to.. he's more so reacting and retaliating than attacking..

she chalks it up to that they havent fought side by side in a long time and his style must’ve changed and really, she doesnt know him anymore... not like she used to

smth smth 3 months pregnant Momo gets hurt, knocked unconscious for a bit

Todo saves her

and when she comes to, while Todo's holding her, star tears fall onto her cheek from Todo's eyes. 

She's shocked. Reaches up to gently graze a finger tip at his left cheek.

"Todoroki-san, these are?"

and again its like Todo didnt realize he was crying. He jerks away from her hand and brushes her off with "its nothing”. Changes the subject with "are you ok?"

Momo: yes.. i think so

Todo: and the baby?

Momo, sitting up: we're ok I think

Todo, moving away: good

the mission concludes and they meet up with Ingenium’s group to wrap up the two ends. Todo slips away before Iida and Momo and approach him

theres no activity from Todoroki for the next month

neither Iida, Deku or anyone else in 1A know where he went except the Hero Association's vague comment on "Hot Cold Hero Shouto has taken a sudden indefinite hiatus"

(Only Todo’s family knows and Endeavor asked the Association to say "hiatus" instead of "retirement" bc Enji wants to believe in his son making a comeback. He didnt stop Shouto from taking off)

and ofc Momo upon hearing this is so confused??? Her last mission with him was the last time she saw him and he was crying. Why was he crying? Strange star tears twinkling and landing on her cheeks? What even is that phenomenon?

its too many questions and ofc Momo's gonna investigate. For the sake of her friend.

so she digs up all the texts she can find on star tears. Internet search all the possibilities. Consults the doctors at the hospital. Even asks Tenya if Todoroki has been acting strangely during their weekly catch ups.

but Tenya tells her Todoroki hasnt been the the meet ups since after their wedding

so she asks anyone in their pro hero circle of associates she can think of. Tsukiyomi, Burnin', heros from his agency, anyone she can think of that has worked with Todoroki before and could comment on his behaviour

no body knows. No body noticed anything different either. Sure there were some off days but the Hot Cold Hero Shouto was always on his game being one of the top 3 heroes on the billboard charts

she searches and searches, splitting time interviewing colleagues and researching the possible star tears phenomenon

until eventually her search takes her to...

Bakugou.

Of course.

Momo, pleading: please Bakugou, you know something about him dont you?

Bakugou, who at this point had been very careful trying not to get cornered knowing her investigation: save it pony tail, you’re about to have a baby. Go have people harass you about that brat in your oven instead of harassing other people

Momo, nearly begging: please. You and I both know he's strong and a good hero that would not suddenly retire. Whatever he is doing, he might need help.. please tell me Bakugou.

... theres something about pregnant women that you cant say no to.

Bakugou, relenting: tch. The half ass is somewhere in Yokohama

and thats all she needs nearly running waddling (as fast as a pregnant woman could) out the door

Bakugou, calling out after her, still reluctant: when find that half ass, i suggest you throw him a gift. Literally. Throw it at him. He deserves it.

she finds him along the port, watching the sunset in Yokohama (its really not that hard to find someone with heterochromia and two tone hair in a city, especially if youre a hero that knows what methods heroes will use to go incognito)

and for some inkling of a feeling, Momo takes Bakugou's advice. She has a carton of strawberry milk in hand.

Momo, a few feet away from him: Todoroki-san, it's been a while.

Todo, turning his head in her direction: Yaoyorozu...?

Momo, sadly smiling: the sunset is beautiful here isnt it?

Todo, brows furrowing: .. sure. Yaoyorozu what are you doing here--

Momo, interrupting him: --i brought some snacks. Strawberry milk, you liked this while we were in school right? Catch.

she tosses it at him.

he tries to reach out.

But he'es completely off. And misses

Momo, sad: Todoroki-san. You're blind, arent you?

Todo, guilty: ah.

Momo, tearing up: will you please tell me?

he still can say no to her and confesses his story

and when he's finished telling the tale of star tears, the stars above are twinkling too

she's crying and choking and sobbing through tears and its intensified by baby Iida with pregnancy hormones

But the last thing she manages to croak out at the very least is still wholly her

She apologizes

“Im so sorry Todoroki- san. I cant love you that way.”

“I know.”

END NOTES:

red is the last color Todoroki wanted to lose because it reminds him of Momo

during missions, as long as he could see her, “that’s ok” he thought. she is the only one he sees in color. that is okay with him

to him, Momo is his shining star. And there’s something tragically poetic of him losing his sight to the stars if its for his shining star Momo

He leaves the last stars in a tiny little jar like those paper stars as a gift for her with just the words on a note "goodbye Momo" the day after she finds him in Yokohama

Momo has the jar of stars forever on her bedside and looks at them with this melancholy expression. Baby Iida grows up and asks mom: "what is that jar of stars?" 

Momo responds: "a gift from someone that was blinded by love"

Bakugou in this timeline had a case of star tears too but I'd like to think he got his feelings requited so he never went blind to contrast Todo

So thats why Baku is (begrudgingly) sympathetic to Todo cuz he thinks: “that could’ve been me”

The ending shot of a blind Todoroki in a dark room, all alone, eyes closed, thinking back to Momo's shining smile from UA surrounded by star light with a sad smile on his face and it fades to black

> archives masterpost

[bookishbea]

Black Friday Reaction

Okay so I’ll be live tweeting Black Friday but none of it will have any sense to it but it’ll just be my reactions

1. The Paul thing is really bothering me

2. I really love the mention of the other characters

3. If Jane is mention is the story about the mom mentioned some more

4. Is the delivery man ted (cause he’s also a sleazeball

5. It’s weird seeing Cory not play a pure bean

6. I love California MIA

7. The little sister (Im sorry I’m bad at names) I self project as autistic and she something else idk

8. Did anyone else noticed Robert’s Australian accent come out?

9. Like I said this is out of order so yeah but I personally think the second song in the show was very shocking as I’m not used to very serious starkid songs

10. When Robert gestures smoking i think its lowkey a refrence to the smoke club

11. I have a crush on lex

12. I love Lauren’s charecter so much

13. I love the name linda becuase it could be like a karen without using that name

14. Not to get poltical but i choose to belive they made an antivax joke

15. Also the marvel nerd in me loves the name becky barnes

16. I know its probaly not on purpose but joeys charecters costume in line looks like the homeless guy’s one

17. Jaimey is great as always

18. The conversation is so cringe i love it

19. I kinda hope torture porn is a fanfic refrence (i know most people would want me to say spies are forever but nope)

20. I love Lauren but shouldnt her accent be included when she sings

21. I love Jeff’s reaction

22. I may get some hate for this but what was bothering me in tgwdlm and i notice in starkid is lack of fan comments in the captions

23. As a theatre fan i love the toy zone song (i am not sure if thats the right name) espcially the do wop becuase it reminds me of older musicals

24. Also since i watched tgwdlm and black friday a day apart its weird to come from songs happening because they are infected to songs happening cause its a musical

25. i love the love the line we are not relaibly to anyone who dies becuase they clearly show in the trailer that someone will die (this is not a spoiler if you watch the trailer for Black Friday)

26. I love Corey but when he dances i notice a bulge (i am not a perv he makes it very obvious)

27. So i rewinded it to make sure i wanst going crazy and realized something as lex says the pepper spray line. She would be good as janis ian

28. I love the touch money part its so cute even if its not supposed to be

29. Jaime plays a perv really well

30. I love Jon’s charecter its hilarious

31. Also i love jon and lauren interactions so it was cool seeing them together not as paul and emma

32. I love seeing more of Jon because although hes reaally good at playing paul paul doesnt have any flavor and its cool seeing jon do something diffrent

33. Jeff’s fuck you

34. Okay I was right it was the homeless guy and i bet the money is paul’s money

35. And this is not a sterotpye as i am jewish myself but i bet Laurens charecter is jewish

36. Its sad that the price thing is true

37. So i am a theatre fan and do not watch got but that music kinda reminds me of got

38. Cant tell if jeff’s charecter is gay and a perv or just a perv (i realzie this could be mmisinterpreted as homophobic i just mean to say that jamie’s charecter just seems like a full out perv where as i cant tell with jeff’s)

39. Obviously you shouldnt be that insane but i do like the lines about how you are in charge of life and dont care about what others think. its goood life advice

39. Looks like Paul’s boss got his wish

40. They are all idiots for holding up the doll when everyone wants to get it

41. Corey’s charecter is like shit, money isnt that imporant

42. Becky why are you a part of this you have moral high ground (yes i am ignorning the fact that cast usually join in dance numbers even if their charecter isnt a part of it)

43. Shouldnt tom get ptsd (see above)

44. Lex you already have one (see above)

45. So i may be overthinking things but how curt says never should settle is in the tune of spies are forever

46. Is it just me or did anyone else notice when the security guard comes in the tune of show me your hands comes in

47. I dont know why but i do love soft bullies because hes like hey im punching you but only for the kid

48. Some may say its schizo or something hannah has but its anxiery or something from how shes expressing it

49. I feel like hannah has a superpower and can tell whats happening

50. Maybe webby is actually wiggly

51. Baby (both hannah and robert)

52. Please tell me my babies not dead

53. Jon’s eee is adorable and silly

54. Wait hes alive

55. Wait no hes dead, im sad liek starkid is supposed to be fun and happy this is the darkest star kid yet. Even oregon deaths were silly

56. I love starkid but this is making me anxious i cant tell if its good anxious or bad anxious

57. Also i relate to the black and white thing not fully but liek whenever i dont feel well sometimes my brain is overstimulating but only in my head its very hard to explain 

58. Also i think sometimes kids on the spectrum and im not an expert but i do have it kind of make a friend in their head and i do that too sometimes just to give me advice

59. Also i hope they dont get rid of the black and white as sometimes people go more crazy without the figurative voice in their head

60. Like i said this is going to be random order so i like that emma adopted paul;s Okay and no im not making a tfios refrence

61. Poor Tim

62. Poor becky but even less

63. i thought they were supposed to be mad at g-d but in this and tgwdlm they like g-d

64. I cant tell the other pins on joey’s jacket but the first two i notice are mr wiggly and paul

65. I love Lauren’s acting you can see the very sublte sadness in her

66. Lauren and Joey together ahhhh

67. I know its probaly not a big deal but they should give a seziure warning before the tv scene

68. Did they reuse curts spies are forever outfit

69. Really starkid the obama refrence seriously, i cant tell if im mad or laughing 

70. How did Bob get one

71. I do realize they are talking irl but i cant help but wonder if the nazis were a spies are forever refrence

72. Does wiggly have a special power or something 

73. I think its similar to the metero the closer you are the more power it has over you

74. The starkid special effects we all know and love

75. Also is that mcnamara

76. Also maybe shooting it (the doll) does the same thing that shooting the affceted does. Give them no power

77. I cant tell what the music reminds me of exactly but the tune does kinda refrence a diffrent star kid song

78. Jeff looks so proud of himself for the peeps line

79. I love the purposeful i presume reuse of lines

80. Is peip like men in black

81. Also hatchetfield kind of reminds me of night vale

82. Is the black and white like the upside down?

83. I wonder if the point was purposeful since someone was filming or just choreographed

84. Yes Jon Singing!!!!!

85. I love the act two opener

86. Did his parents really name him christmas?!?

87. Oh hes literally related to santa

88. I love lauren and joey as eleves

89. Noel another christmas name

90. Isnt the little dance move like a genie move or something

91. Its so cute that she insitincitvely went to their seats

92. Also carving is goals

93. Even though its a penis its still goals

94. I know what you are, say it, santa clause

95. Tom dont yell at your girl

96. Poor Tom

97. But also dont make this about you

98. They probaly werent the head of the school since they were nice, i am sorry but thats true

99. Yass girl fight his ass

100. Also the theatre kid in me is picturing all that jazz

101. he ran into my knife he ran into my knife ten times

102. Yes Becky’s husband (i forget the name sue me) is bad but i feel like becky is more sinister then we realize

103. Becky’s line even if it isnt meant to be is so funny

104. The girl who plays Becky could play Barbara

105. I love how Joey and Lauren look into the camera

106. Jamie saying santa awww such a pure bean

107. The person in the wiggly onsie is goals

108. Matrix glasses for the win

109. Is wilbur a refrence to Charelots Web?

110. Its a cult a cult of wiggly

111. I feel like Sherman young is around 30-40

112. I love how its mommy to sound less pervy

113. Oh wait never mind Linda is mom

114. Shit thats fucked up they killed him

115. I am right a jew no non jew says mensch

116. To quote jared klienman kinky (shoe kiss scene)

117. Also i love this song the adore song

118. Why does them picking up Lauren give me Draco vibes

119. Wait he isnt dead?? im so confused

120. Wait he is dead???

121. Also ethan is creepy now

122. But Roberts expressions are goals

123. Robert your proffesor hidgens is showing

124. What the how does he know her name

125. Savage Wiggly

126. Wiggly is more funny than scary

127. But my poor baby dont be scared

128. What the fuck tom

129. Also poor baby number two

130. At first you think becky is made about him hurting a child but no its about the doll

131. What the fuck Becky

132. Also I wonder if thats the same serum that Hidgens used

133. Tom yelling at the audince is hilarious

134. Also Becky singing is giving me little shop vibes

135. Becky are you drunk or something you so stupid

136. But yayy my baby doesnt get hurt

137. More starkid special effects

138. Also the lighting nod to tgwdlm

139. Also why did they take my baby (see i told you random)

140. So the perv is wiggly

141. Also if he can appear in regular formation on earth why does he need to be the doll

142. Oh wait never mind he explains it

143. Joey talking to the audience and making them hold the apple is goals

144. I love Joey’s song

145. MIA = Missing in Action = Made in America

146. Wait im wrong Joey cant be Wiggly unless he has super powers he cant be in two places at once

147. I know they dont mean sex but still wtf

148. Lauren looks so done i cant

149. Seziure warning after mr presidnet leaves the black and white

150. Unless it was purposeful they should have hidden the dolls better backstage

151. Wait didnt hannah say something about two doors earlier?

152. Seriously Sherman ponies

153. I love the going back line

154. My poor baby lex

155. No Lex dont die not you too

156. Haha throwback to tgwdlm

157. Yes baby you got the gun

158. Also die perv die

159. Eagle screeching is goals

160. Yes lex use that logic

161. Also it makes sense only the adults can be brainwashed

162. There were only adults no children, scary (not sarcastic i promise)

163. Seriously starkid Fortnight

164. Thats why you should never fully grow up

165. Woah what Lex says is deep

166. Yessss Tom

167. Wait Tom dont hold the gun

168. Wait is Charolette alive or just a reuse of costume, if so why would they have jaimie wear it

169. No dont take her magic hat

170. Haha stupid hats cant be magic only dolls obviously

171. Does lauren say something like fucking knife in another show too?

172. Lauren screaming gives me my father will hear about this vibes

173. Also give my baby her hat back

174. Yass Lauren get it girl (i do realize shes playing the villian but still)

175. Yass Robert get it

176. Even though shes a viilain i dont like seeing Lauren get killed

177. But also how did they get the bullet wound on her so quick im impressed

178. Haha the way Gary stops everything to talk to gerald is goals

179. Like hes like oh shit money

180. And then hes like oh wait i have to pretend to care

181. I love how exagerated their dying is

182. Thats an impressive quick change

183. Yess Emma Hidgens

184. But also no hell fuck up again

185. Also Paul interupting is goals

186. Haha hannah you go girl

187. First off I love the song

188. Song off Hannah’s voice

189. Is paul scared normal or because of the hive

190. Wait all the tgwdlm charecters are back like nothing happened im confused

191. Haha the Hatchfield band is back

[abthepoet]

All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[catmeme-moved]

all of the asks! >:3

god ok 

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

😏

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

i dont think i could date anyone who does any kind of drugs,, it makes me Very uncomfortable

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

its only 4 babey

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober...ive never been drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

i guess?? it was in high school so i dnt think it rly counts since yknow, i was 16

7. What does your last received text say?

“jgdijgjfdivjdjdj me“

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

not enough times !!! i love kissing my gf

9. Where was your last kiss at?

in the parkinglot behind my dorm building

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i saw both my sisters when i was home for break a few weeks ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffey

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

not rly? i think if relationships r hard then they arent rly meant to be

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

god i wouldnt have spent so much money

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

none at all ;3c

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

i guess rainy....overcast weather is my fav

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my mom ! probably lots of other people too shjkdh lee is a fairly common name i think

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i hope so!!!

20. Does anyone like you?

god i sure hope my gf does

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nop

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

ya thats why i kissed them ghksdjs

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

no one that i know personally.. there r some like celebrities and other famous ppl i dont like

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes i want a tattoo from a specific artist in my hometown!!!

25. In the past week have you cried?

i mean probably i dont remember though

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

a pug...i saw him in a donut shop

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

i dry off as im stepping out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no bc jocks intimidate me

29. Do you think you’re old?

not really in the grand scheme of things.. im only 20 i still have decades ahead of me !

30. Do you like text messaging?

ya

31. What type of day are you having?

its been ok! i spent time w my roommates downtown

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

i hav my septum pierced but a nostril piercing would b nice

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold..

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i dont rly think theres such a thing as “opposite sex” since sex is also on a spectrum like gender

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship ! flings r nice i guess but i prefer the stability and commitment of an actual relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

i thnik im fairly simple..idk

37. What song are you listening to?

when he died by lemon demon

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yea of course39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

my best friemd emily40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

theyre hot and funny and very kind!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

idk maybe an hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

im hungry and not being held by my gf43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

its my mom so fairly well i think44. Does anyone disgust you?

men45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no bc im already dating someone46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i feel...neutral47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommate !48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its blue pruple n green tie dye49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

ya my history professor told me i had to read books50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

no one is coming to mind51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

i dont hate anyone!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

almost gave up on ever being able to pet the raccoons outside the dining hall but someday ill be able to earn their trust

53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

not rly ! as long as theyre safe about it ykwim55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

no i think ive told most of my crushes how i felt about them at the time 56. Do you like to cuddle?

god yes i love to hold and be held57. Are you shy?

its the social anxiety 58. Do you get along with girls?

i am a lesbian59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

we r dating !! 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone and my peper spray 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

id do it for 10 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

ive been in my current one for 7 and my longest lasted 8 ! 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

yes! 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

anything my gf does is cute65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat yawned when she tried to meow and made a weird squeak sound

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

18 (or maybe 19 now idk), 19, 20

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

i do them myself bc i hate spending money68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

ghgdh,....neither69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

i dont have a car yet 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

neither...i dont rly like eithr of those music genres71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

im samsung bitch until i die72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

its been months. maybe years. i dont like pizza73. Do you like diet soda?    

i dont rly like any soda anymore tbh74. What color are the walls in your room?

plain white...f    75. Are you 16 or older?    

bitche im 2076. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

nop i dont even know waht its about77. Do you have a job?    

yes i work in a library !  78. What are your initials?    

ylb79. Did you ever have braces?    

no :^/80. Are you from the south?    

nope im a pnw bitch

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

something about voting82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

ya shes my best friemd83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

my mom.. fuck my dad !84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   

i vaguely remember attending a gymnastics class when i was like 5 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

uhh.. venom i think86. Do you smoke?    

no never !!!87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?   

flip flops. 88. Is your phone touch screen?    

god how old are these questions. who has a phone that isnt touch screen now89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

my hair is naturally curly !90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

no91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

a pool..... rivers and lakes r scary92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

not yet93. …Had sex in a car?    

no that seems. . difficult. theres not very much room94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

im in a luvly relationship95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

sleepin96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

new years i think??97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yea its pretty nice98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

no but ik i wanted one before i got into my current relationship skdgjhj99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no but i did drink half a beer thing once and went to sleep bc i got a stomach ache100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

i dont even use facebook101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

when i was in first grade id play “family” w my friend sometimes and she’d pretend to be the dad and i was the mom so we would spoon each other bc we thot thats what sex was and i thought she actually got me pregnant bc i was 7 and didnt know anything102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

the song blind slaps103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

no its winter and i also dont go outdoors104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

 i hate wearing shorts

[vanderlinde-moved]

[. . .REPLY?]

Cassian really has to get a report done for Draven, but Jyn's drunk and really doesn't care.

this was written for the rebelcaptain secret santa for the lovely @rapidashpatronus! the prompt "I thought I’d already said so." i hope you enjoy!

also, major shoutout to @skitzofreak for letting me use her messaging/comm traffic format!! y’all should check out her “Message Traffic” series where it’s used and honestly their work is a+

read it on ao3!

HOTH INTERNAL MESSAGING SERVERS

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[accessing. . .]

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LOGIN

username: cassianandor

password: *******************

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WELCOME, CAPTAIN CASSIAN ANDOR.

you currently have three unread messages in your inbox.

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Erso [21:55]: cassian are u there ??

Erso [22:01]: are u busyy

Erso [22:07]: casssssssss

[. . .REPLY?]

Andor [22:12]: I’m here, but I need to get this report done for Draven.

Erso [22:13]: come to bodhi’s shuttle rn

Erso [22:13]: i’m celebratign

Erso [22:14]: *celebartin g

Erso [22:15]: clebrating

Erso [22:16]: u know what i mean

Andor [22:19]: Are you drunk?

Erso [22:21]: no

Andor [22:24]: Are you sure?

Erso [22:27]: ok yse fime han brought so me drinks

Erso [22:30]: but for a go od reasons

Andor [22:32]: What are you celebrating?

Erso [22:40]: bea t bodhi in sabbacc finallyyyy

Andor [22:43]: How did you manage to do that?

Erso [22:44]: cheated

Andor [22:46]: Of course you did.

Erso [22:48]: cass u still there?

Andor [22:50]: I’m still here, Jyn.

Erso [22:51]: i miss u

Erso [22:52]: comee here

Andor [22:55]: I’m trying to write my report, but I’ll come over once I’m done, okay?

Andor [23:05]: Jyn?

Erso [23:06]: no

Erso [23:08]: don’t woryr bout it casss im on my wau

Andor [23:10]: Jyn, I’m almost done. Give me twenty more minutes and I’ll meet you at Bodhi’s shuttle.

Erso [23:14]: hmmnm

Erso [23:15]: nooooo thansk

Andor [23:19]: Jyn?

Andor [23:25]: Please just stay there.

 Andor [23:27]: Bodhi, has Jyn by any chance left your shuttle?

Rook [23:30]: who

Rook [23:30]: ?

Andor [23:31]: Jyn.

Rook [23:33]: i dont talk 2 cheaters

Andor [23:36]: We’ve all caught you cheating at sabacc before, Bodhi.

Andor [23:41]: Bodhi?

Andor [23:50]: [unsent] Why do I even bother

 Andor [23:56]: [unsent] Solo, how much alcohol

 Erso [00:04]: ok im on my wa y

Erso [00:04]: sorryi go t distrcted

[. . .REPLY?]

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The sound of his door opening startles him so much that Cassian almost drops his datapad into his lap. He turns to the culprit–Jyn, of course–who’s slamming a bottle onto his desk and is now looming over him with a cheeky smile. “Hey, Cass.”

“Jyn,” he says, exhaling heavily, but smiling nonetheless. Other than the way she’s swaying on his desk–he has to reach a hand up to steady her so she doesn’t fall off–she doesn’t look too drunk. It’s definitely not to the level of the time she challenged Solo to a drinking contest–now that had been messy. The image of her telling Bodhi she’d kill for him pops into his mind, and he has smother a grin behind a hand.

He shakes his head, bringing him back to the present and the smiling woman in front of him. “You walked all this way by yourself?”

“I wanted to see you,” she says, somewhat absently. Her eyes dart around the room, but when she refocuses on his face, she smiles broadly. It’s almost as if she’s seeing him for the first time, her face sparkling and full of wonder. “I missed you.”

“Jyn, I’ve got to get this report typed and sent to Draven in an hour,” he replies, glancing between the bottle on his desk and her face. Despite himself, he can already feel his focus slipping through his fingers. Jyn tended to do that to him; whenever she’s in the room, all of his attention goes right to her, no matter what else is happening. Still, he makes a valiant effort to try and get his work done. “I thought I’d already said so–didn’t we have this same conversation about thirty minutes ago?”

“Probably,” she tells hims, hoisting herself up on his desk so he’s forced to pay more attention to her. Her legs dangle off the edge, with the back of her heels drumming against the side. There’s not enough room for both his datapad and Jyn, so he tosses his work to the side and sighs, despite the small smile tugging at his lips. “Turns out–I’m not really. . .that great at listening. Or reading. You know.”

“I don’t know how you haven’t been kicked out of the Rebellion yet,” he mutters fondly (because it’s always fondness for her, always), tugging her off of the desk and into his lap. She yelps, surprised, but wraps her arms around his neck all the same, leaning in to press her forehead against his. In such close contact he can smell the alcohol on her breath, but he finds that he doesn’t mind, simply content to be as close to her as possible.

“I suppose that I have you to thank for that,” she says, giving him a small grin before leaning in to press a quick kiss to his lips. When she pulls away, he groans at the loss of contact. But as he tries to pull her back in for another, she dances away from him, a teasing look flashing on her face.

“I thought you were trying to distract me?” he asks, his voice slightly hoarse. Jyn smirks, slipping off his lap and grabbing his arm to pull him to the bed. Even with the work he has to do, he doesn’t resist her, following willingly. Draven can wait a little longer.

(with jyn here, he knows that everything else he has to do doesn’t stand a chance of getting completed.

he’d accepted a long, long time ago that she will always come first.)

She snatches the bottle off the desk with her free hand, then joins him on the bed. He tries to protest, but it dies on his lips. “Jyn, I really do have to write that report–”

“C’mon, Cass,” she teases, and he relents finally, propping himself up against the wall and pulling her into his embrace. He wraps an arm around her shoulder, and she curls up into his side. “Here,” she offers, pushing the bottle into his hands. “Brought you something.”

He accepts it with a raised eyebrow, peering down into it. There’s nothing in it, except for a small amount of liquid at the bottom. Still, he appreciates the effort. “You brought me an empty bottle?”

“There was–Corellian gin in it, I think. I drank it on the way,” she mutters, stretching her arms up over her head, then hooks one around his neck so she’s the one holding him. She shifts closer, and his heart swells at the way she trusts him enough to be this vulnerable. Most of the time, he knows, she’s expecting a vibroblade in the back. “Took me awhile to get back over here.”

“I’d be wrong in assuming you didn’t get into any trouble, wouldn’t I?”

Jyn hums, closing her eyes and running her fingers through his hair. She’s just as easily distracted by his presence as he is by hers. “Not that much.”

“Care to elaborate?” he asks wryly, pressing a kiss to her forehead and letting his eyes wander. Her hands look uninjured and he can’t see any bruises on her exposed skin, but he still has to ask. “Please tell me you didn’t get into any fights.”

She grins down at him, her eyes fluttering open. “You have to give me another kiss if you want answers,” she taunts, as if that would be a big sacrifice, as if he’d ever refuse a request from her.

Cassian shifts to cup her face and pulls her face down into a kiss. She turns to wrap her other arm around his neck, deepening it, and he groans into her mouth as she moves from his side onto his lap, her hips straddling his waist. However, just like last time, she moves away before anything else can happen with a smile on her face and laughter dancing in her eyes.

He doesn’t let that deter him. “You need to uphold your end of the bargain, Sergeant,” he murmurs with mock-seriousness, pulling her closer to him so she rests her head in the crook of his neck, with hands splayed out on her back so he can hold her tighter. “We had a deal.”

“I saw Leia in the hallway,” she says, her voice muffled from the way her face is pressed into the front of his jacket. “I might have told her–Cass! Your fingers are cold!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he chuckles, though he doesn’t move his hands from where he slipped them underneath her jacket. It’s payback for all the times she’s purposely gone barefoot to bed so she could poke him with her freezing toes, sliding her feet up his pant legs. “You were talking to–Jyn!”

“Two can play that game, Captain,” she laughs, dipping her fingers down past the collar of his parka and onto his bare skin. He tries to squirm away from her, but she only presses forward with her attack. Soon enough, they’re a pile of tangled limbs on the bed. Jyn’s straddling Cassian’s hips and looming over him, panting slightly with exertion. She sinks forward until she’s laying on top of him, resting her chin on his sternum so she can look him in the eye.

Her hair, loose and unbound, falls into his face, and he huffs out a breath to get it out of his mouth. “What did you say to Leia?”

“Can I borrow your parka?” Jyn asks instead, letting her fingers dance over the hood. “I like the,” she raises her hands to her head and makes something that looks like a halo in the air, “I like the fur.”

“You’re literally wearing a coat right now,” he tugs gently at the material of her jacket to prove it to her. Knowing Jyn, who’s both determined and stubborn when faced with something she wants, she probably doesn’t care about that fact. “Why do you need to wear mine?”

“I’ll tell you what I said to Leia if you let me wear your parka.”

“We have a deal,” he murmurs, reaching up to card one of his hands through her hair. She closes her eyes and hums appreciatively, leaning into his touch. “I already gave you a kiss, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you tell Leia?”

“I told her that she should hurry up and ask Han out on a date already,” she whispers, propping her chin up with one of her arms. “He kept looking for her at Bodhi’s shuttle but she never showed up.” She reaches forward to twine his hair in her hands, tugging softly and wrapping a strand between her fingers. “How do you get your hair so soft?”

“I asked the Force very nicely to give me good hair,” he answers with a grin. He uses her distraction to his advantage, sitting up suddenly and flipping them so he’s the one laying on top. Careful not to put all of his weight on her, he braces most of it on his elbows, settling between her open legs. He’s not surprised in the slightest–leave it to Jyn to meddle in other people’s businesses. “What did Leia say to that?”

“She told me that I should mind my own kriffing business and that I was a no good, two-timing moof milker. Then she stormed off.”

This time, he tries to hide his laughter by tucking his head in Jyn’s neck, but it’s no use. His whole body shakes with the effort, and after a few beats, he doesn’t bother trying to be subtle.

“What?” she splutters indignantly. “Stop laughing, I’m right!”

“I know,” he says, though he’s still laughing when he looks up. There’s a stubborn smile pulling up at Jyn’s lips too, even though he can see she’s trying to keep it from him. “They really need to get their shit together, hmm?”

Jyn opens her mouth to respond, but her comm dings, interrupting her train of thought. She shuffles out from underneath Cassian and grabs it on the bedside table. Confusion creases her forehead, so he sits up and watches as she struggles to log herself in.

“I give up,” she complains, holding the holopad out for him. The look of frustration on her face has him clamping down on another grin. “Can you log me in?”

“Sure,” he says easily, taking the device from her. It only takes him a few seconds to pull up her message logs.

HOTH INTERNAL MESSAGING SERVERS

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[accessing. . .]

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LOGIN

username: jynerso

password:

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“Ah, Jyn?”

“Hmm?

“What’s your password?”

She makes some sort of noise that he can’t distinguish, rolling over on the bed to press her face into the blankets. He raises an eyebrow in amusement. “I didn’t quite catch that, Jyn.”

Her next response is mumbled so quickly he barely catches it. “‘I love Cassian.’”

“Is that one word or three?”

“Cass!” she whines, flipping over to grab one of the pillows and throw it at him. Even drunk, she still has deadly aim, but he’s known her long enough to expect her patterns. Without batting an eye he swats it away with his free hand, smirking.

He types in her password once he knows that she’s not going to throw anything else at him, then tosses her holopad back to her. She scans the words in front of her, then snorts. He moves closer to her to read over her shoulder. “It’s mostly from Solo. And a couple messages from Bodhi.”

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WELCOME, SERGEANT JYN ERSO.

you currently have six unread messages in your inbox.

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Solo [00:15]: you want t explain why her royl highnes just came on the shuttle an demanded to know why i put you up to askin her about going on a date??

Solo [00:16]: you and i both kno i did no such thing

Solo [00:20]: ERSO

Solo [00:21]: you cant jus put me in situatons like this an d not respond !!

[. . .REPLY?]

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Her fingers move before he can stop her, typing out a response that’s barely legible. Though, in her defense, Han’s just as drunk as she is. He’s sure that the smuggler will be able to decode it easily.

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Erso [00:24]: u kno what u neeed 2 do

Solo [00:26]: youve got to be kiding me, kid

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Jyn doesn’t spare a second glance at Solo’s response, instead swiping her finger up to get to the next set of messages from Bodhi. Cassian would feel bad for him if he didn’t know him any better. Quite frankly, he agrees with Jyn. Although he’d never say it out loud, Solo and Leia need to get their shit together.

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Rook [00:16]: u make it t cassian’s room

Rook [00:16]: still mad at u tho

[. . .REPLY?]

 Erso [00:28]: cass says im the best sabacc player erver so eat that roook

Erso [00:29]: i wonn

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“It was easy to beat Bodhi once I figured out his weakness,” she announces suddenly, looking up at him with a face that just begs him to ask what it is. Her holopad sits absently in her lap, but she doesn’t do anything about it, letting her screen go dark.

“And that would be?”

“Luke Skywalker.”

“You got Luke to help you cheat?” he asks her dubiously.

She shakes her head. “I just invited him to play with us. Since Bodhi was looking at him the entire time, he wasn’t–” she trails off, then blinks rapidly before continuing. “Bodhi wasn’t looking at my hands so it was easier to cheat. And then I won.”

She holds up her hand for a high five. He reaches over to slap her hand, but she grabs his hand before he can, pulling it closer to her. He can’t help but laugh at the look on her face. “Jyn–”

“This is mine now,” she murmurs, her eyes drooping sleepily, but her grip on his hand doesn’t loosen up.

“That’s fine. You can have the other one too, if you’d like.”

“No. Jus’ this one.”

“I think it’s time you got some sleep,” Cassian says gently, snatching the holopad from her hands before she can pretend he said anything else. “You’ve shipping out tomorrow, right?”

“That’s why we all met to play sabacc,” she yawns, stretching her arms over her head. It takes both of them, but he manages to get Jyn both out of her coat and heavy outer layers, then into bed.

He shoots a mournful look at his datapad and the report he ultimately knows won’t get finished before tomorrow as he folds her clothes on the desk. Once he’s stripped as well, he climbs into bed at her side. She curls up next to him with a content sigh, hugging him closer. “I’m going to miss you, Cass.”

It sounds as if she’s almost asleep when she tells him that, and his heart aches. “You’ll be home soon,” he says quietly, even though he has no idea when she’ll be back. “And you can comm me anytime.”

“You’ll respond?”

“I’ll always respond,” he promises, rubbing his thumb up and down on her arm. “Even when I’m in a meeting with Draven and he’s talking about something I should be paying attention to.”

That makes her smile; he can see it even in the darkness. “You’re going to get kicked out the Rebellion.”

“I’ll just tell him it’s your fault.”

“That’s fair,” she replies, sliding her hands up his shirt again. This time, he doesn’t flinch away, wanting to be as close to her as possible despite her cold hands. “I still wish you had been there.”

“Next time,” he says softly. “I promise.”

She yawns again. “Even if you have work and–and no time?”

“I’ll always make time for you.” Even as he says it, he knows it’s true. While the Rebellion is extremely important to him, Jyn is too.

(the rebellion is his whole life, and has always been, but she’s wormed his way into his heart and now he can’t live without her.)

Jyn blinks up at him owlishly, then rests her head on his chest. “Goodnight, Cap’n.”

“Night, Jyn. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Mhmm.”

With that, he tightens his arms around her sleeping form as if his sheer will alone could keep her on Hoth, and closes his eyes.

.

.

.

Solo [00:34]: erso you annd i are going to have a talk on the falcon tomrrow

Solo [00:35]: dont tell the princesss

[. . .REPLY?]

[perfectlyrose]

wrong number, right person

Summary: Complete accident brings Rose and John into each other’s lives by way of a misdialed phone number but as they form a friendship that could bloom into love, it almost seems more like fate.

Pairing: Ten x Rose || Rating: All ages || Word Count: 4264

Note: For Day Seven of 31 Days of Ficmas: prompt “ring.” This is... so much longer than I intended it to be when I started writing lol. - tagging @doctorroseprompts for the event :)

AO3

Rose answered her phone without looking to see who was calling, assuming it was Jack for the third time that evening. “I told you Jack, I can’t come out tonight, I’ve got homework and a bloody astronomy exam tomorrow I need to revise for.”

“Um, I think I have the wrong number but I could probably give you some tips on astronomy if you need them,” a male voice on the other end of the line that was decidedly not Jack said.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry. My friend has been calling me non-stop trying to get me to go clubbing with him tonight and I just assumed he was trying again,” Rose said, cheeks heating.

“No need to apologize! I’m the one who dialed wrong and interrupted your revising,” the man said, very cheerful for someone talking to a stranger.

“It wasn’t going well, so I really don’t mind.”

“I meant it when I said I could give you some astronomy tips. I umm… I might have a doctorate in the subject.” The last sentence came out in a rush, like he was nervous about admitting it.

“Really? You sure you’re not trying to impress some random girl on the phone?” Rose teased.

“Honestly, astronomy and astrophysics don’t usually do the trick.”

“Got degrees in both?”

“Yeah.”

“Bit brilliant, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

Rose laughed. “Alright mystery doctor, want to give an impromptu intro to astronomy lecture over the phone to a stranger?”

“Love to, actually. What unit is your exam on?”

“Honestly, if you can make parallax equations make sense I will probably propose marriage at this point,” Rose admitted. “I’m really lost.”

He laughed. “Proposing to me and you don’t even know who I am. Bit hasty but I like it.”

“Hey, I just said I might propose, no promises. Besides, this is dependent on your teaching skills.”

“I’ll have to be impressive then.”

“You better be, I’d like to pass this exam,” she shot back. “I’m Rose, by the way.”

“John, but you can keep calling me Doctor, if you want.”

She raised her eyebrows even though he couldn’t see. “Alright, Doctor.”

Rose could practically hear his smile.

“Alright, ready to learn?”

“I guess. Last chance and all that.”

“Brilliant!”

With that he launched into a lecture that was far more engaging than any of the actual classes Rose had attended. Her impromptu professor had a tendency to go off on tangents but also a knack for actually describing things in a way that made sense to her and by the end of the conversation, she actually felt like she might pass the test.

“Thank you so much,” she said, things winding to a close. They’d been talking for an hour at least. “You have definitely earned a potential marriage proposal.”

He laughed, the sound warm and low. “Wait and see if you actually pass that exam.”

“Seriously though, thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome.”

“I don’t know who you were trying to call but I’m really glad you rang me instead.”

“Me too.”

“Alight, goodnight then, Doctor.”

“Night, Rose.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When Rose got her exam grade back and saw that she’d actually passed by more than a smidge, she quickly snapped a picture and texted it to her mystery caller.

Text to Space Doctor [5:32 pm]: <Image attached>

Text to Space Doctor [5:32 pm]: i passed! ready to accept my proposal?

Text to Starry Rose [5:36 pm]: Congratulations! Knew you could do it!

Text to Space Doctor [5:42 pm]: my prof is probably going to think i cheated

Text to Starry Rose [5:43 pm]: Nonsense! You’re brilliant!

Text to Space Doctor [5:45 pm]: science isn’t really my thing but thx

Text to Starry Rose [5:50 pm]: Feel free to call me up if you need help again. I’m happy to be of assistance.

Text to Starry Rose [5:54 pm]: If you want. That was probably weird to offer. Sorry. I just like to help and I enjoyed talking to you.

Text to Space Doctor [6:01 pm]: thatd be brilliant!!!! im def going to take you up on that

Text to Space Doctor [6:02 pm]: sorry cant chat rn. at my mums for dinner

Text to Starry Rose [6:02 pm]: Have fun! Look forward to talking again soon :)

Rose stowed her phone back in her purse and headed into the kitchen to help her mum with a smile on her face.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“You know, I never asked who you were trying to call when you ended up ringing me,” Rose said. “Last time, I mean. Obviously, since I called you this time.”

It was a couple weeks after that first call. They’d texted on and off about random things and Rose was really starting to consider him a friend despite never having laid eyes on him. With another exam looming, she’d called John up for another tutoring session.

“Oh, my sister, Donna. She wanted to try and talk me into coming to some dinner party so really you saved me,” he said, voice completely earnest.

“Happy to help.”

“Gracious of you. Ready to start?”

“Don’t need an offer of marriage beforehand?”

“I am a patient man, Rose,” he said loftily.

Rose snorted. “No you’re not. Even I could tell you that.”

“Rude.”

“Teach me of the stars oh wise, patient Doctor,” she intoned, laying the sarcasm on thick.

“Still rude but I’ll let it slide this time.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Text to Space Doctor [8:34 pm]: i looked up the going rate for tutors and i’m really glad you aren’t charging me anything

Text to Starry Rose [8:37 pm]: Who says I’m not logging hours to bill you later?

Text to Space Doctor [8:41 pm]: would have to find an address for me to bill me :)

Text to Starry Rose [8:43 pm]: That /is/ a dilemma.

Text to Space Doctor [8:47 pm]: besides… i already offered to marry you in exchange for your services as tutor. not my fault you didn’t take me up on that excellent deal

Text to Starry Rose [8:50 pm]: I still could.

Text to Space Doctor [8:51 pm]: nope too late now. missed ur chance ;)

Text to Starry Rose [8: 54 pm]: A true tragedy.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Oi! Spaceman, are you listening to me at all?”

John whipped his head up to give Donna a sheepish expression. “Yes?”

“You weren’t. You had that goofy smile on your face that means you were texting that Rose girl.”

“I did not!”

“You so did. When are you going to actually ask her out?”

He sighed. “I don’t even know if she’s in London, Donna. Can’t exactly take her to dinner if she’s not in the city.”

“But you do want to take her to dinner!” Donna crowed.

John rolled his eyes and pocketed his phone after shooting off a quick text to Rose. “Yes, fine. I’d like to actually meet her in person and maybe eat while doing so. Happy?”

“For now.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Text to Starry Rose [10:21 am]: I wish I was anywhere except this meeting right now.

Text to Space Doctor [10:22 am]: probs better than my astronomy lecture

Text to Space Doctor [10:23 am]: i swear this guy doesn’t realize half the class is asleep

Text to Starry Rose [10:25 am]: I would MUCH rather be in an astronomy lecture right now.

Text to Space Doctor [10:26 am]: nerd

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Ooh, are you texting your mystery man again, Rosie?” Jack asked, leaning closer to her. They were out at the pub and crammed into a booth with three other people.

Rose rolled her eyes. “He is not my mystery man. He’s just a friend who’s helping me pass astronomy.”

“You don’t even text me that much,” Jack said, eyebrows raised. “So, come on, spill the beans.”

Rose groaned and reached for her beer. “I might, might, have a crush on my mystery man.”

Jack cheered, drawing looks from everyone else at their table. “So make a move!”

“I don’t even know who he is, Jack! He probably doesn’t even live around here.”

“So?”

“So that makes making a move a bit difficult, yeah?”

“You two lovebirds already have a great connection. What’s a bit of distance and putting a face to a name?”

“A lot.”

“Fine, fine. Just think about it though.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Text to Space Doctor [1:47 am]: u stil up?

Text to Starry Rose [1:49 am]: Yes. Didn’t realize it was so late, actually.

Text to Space Doctor [1:52 am]: jack got me drynkj

Text to Space Doctor [1:53 am]: drunk. ha!

Text to Starry Rose [1:54 am]: All his fault?

Text to Space Doctor [1:56 am]: no

Text to Space Doctor [1:57 am]: ur falt too

Text to Starry Rose [2:00 am]: Really? How so?

Text to Starry Rose [2:05 am]: Rose?

Text to Starry Rose [2:11 am]: Are you alright? Do you need someone to come get you or anything? I’m in London but I can call a cab anywhere.

Text to Starry Rose [2:20 am]: I’m going to hope you just fell asleep or your phone died but let me know that you’re alright when you see these messages.

Text to Space Doctor [7:46 am]: remind me never to drink w/ jack again.

Text to Space Doctor [7:47 am]: my head is killing me

Text to Space Doctor [7:54 am]: sorry for worrying u last night. fell asleep

Text to Space Doctor [8:02 am]: also sorry for drunk texting you

Text to Starry Rose [9:13 am]: Glad you’re alright. You can text me whenever, you know that :)

Text to Space Doctor [9:14 am]: :) :) :)

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“I still can’t believe you haven’t finished reading Harry Potter,” John complained. They’d been talking for almost three months now and, as far as she could tell, he had called tonight specifically to complain about her lack of Harry Potter knowledge.

“I’ve been a bit busy.”

“The last one has been out for ten years, Rose.”

“I’ll get there!”

“You’ve at least seen the movies, right?”

“The first couple. I’m waiting to read the books,” she said, grinning. This was too easy.

He groaned dramatically. “I’m not sure I can be friends with you.”

Rose laughed. “You know you are far too easy to wind up, right?”

“What?”

“Doctor, I’ve read the whole series like three times and seen all the movies,” she admitted, still grinning as she moved into her kitchen to pour a glass of wine.

“I cannot believe you.”

“Still want to be friends?”

He sniffed, dramatic to the end. “I suppose, but you’re on thin ice.”

“Even if I tell you my theories on the Sorting Hat?”

“...I’m listening.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Text to Space Doctor [3:34 pm]: i’m going to fail all my finals but especially astronomy

Text to Starry Rose [3:36 pm]: You’re going to do brilliantly. Want me to call tonight to help go over things?

Text to Space Doctor [3:39 pm]: please. i’ll be home around 7?

Text to Starry Rose [3:45 pm]: I’ll talk to you then!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Rose walked out of her astronomy final feeling cautiously optimistic about how she’d done. She quickly fished out her mobile and turned it back on to text John. She quickly shot off a message that she’d survived and then headed straight to Tesco’s to get a celebratory bottle of wine.

Jack wasn’t finished with his tests until tomorrow so they were going out then. Tonight was all hers and she had a date with Netflix and at least one bottle of wine.

She was settling down on her sofa when her mobile buzzed in her pocket. Rose quickly checked it and smiled when she saw it was a text from the Doctor.

Text to Starry Rose [6:52 pm]: Congratulations on making it through your class! I’m sure you aced the final!

Text to Space Doctor [6:54 pm]: SO glad to be done with that class

Text to Space Doctor [6:55 pm]: celebrating with alcohol and crap telly. any watching suggestions before i pick something?

Text to Starry Rose [6:59 pm]: Star Trek?

Text to Space Doctor [7:02 pm]: omg you are so predictable

She grinned and queued up the next episode of the comedy she’d started a week ago and settled in for a cozy night.

About three quarters of the way through her bottle of wine, Rose had the sudden realization that without astronomy class, she wouldn’t have a built-in excuse to call John anymore. She knew they were friends, but what if everything was built on that tutor relationship and things started crumbling.

She’d known for a while that she had a massive crush on her mysterious friend, despite having no clue what he looked like or any identifying details about him. She took a healthy sip of her wine and picked up her phone, quickly opening her conversation with John.

Maybe meeting in person was the next step. She’d wanted to for ages but something had held her back. Fear. The fear that he would be disappointed by who she was outside of their phone conversations or that maybe she would be disappointed in him, but she thought that scenario unlikely. The fear that actually meeting would somehow ruin the magic of their instant friendship.

That feeling was suppressed by red wine, showing up only as a tickle in the pit of her stomach as she started typing.

Text to Space Doctor [8:50 pm]: you know… we should meet up sometime. get chips or something

Text to Space Doctor [8:53 pm]: i’m in london too. don’t know if i ever told you that

Text to Space Doctor [8:56 pm]: but i’d really like to properly meet you.

Text to Space Doctor [9:00 pm]: only if you want tho

Rose stared down at her phone, biting her bottom lips as the television played on unnoticed. He usually answered faster than this. Had she made him uncomfortable? Oh god, what if she’d completely screwed things up?

She set her phone aside and tried to concentrate on her show and reclaim the celebratory mood she’d felt earlier but it was gone.

Soon the wine was as well.

John never texted back.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When Jack arrived at Rose’s flat the next afternoon, he expected to find his friend chipper and ready for a night out on the town now that they were done with the semester. Instead, she opened the door in sweats and an oversized t-shirt, expression drawn.

“Whoa there, Rosie. You feeling alright?” he asked, stepping into her flat and closing the door behind him.

“I’m fine,” she said, giving him a wan smile. “Just lost track of time. I’ll go get ready, you know where everything is.”

“Hey now,” he said, grabbing onto her arm so she didn’t get very far. “What’s wrong? Did you get a bad exam grade back or something? It’s not like you to be so down, especially when we’re free of classes for a bit!”

“I’m fine!”

“You’re not. Fight with your mystery boy?”

Rose looked away and Jack felt a protective anger rising in his chest.

“What did the jackass do?”

“Nothing, that’s the problem,” she said with a sigh, sagging back against the back of the sofa.

“Care to elaborate?”

“I’d texted him earlier last night to tell him I’d survived the astronomy final and everything seemed fine and then I had to go and open my stupid mouth after having a lot of wine.”

Jack raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue.

She sighed. “I asked him if he wanted to meet up sometime, like in person. Get chips or something.”

“And he didn’t answer you?”

“S’like he fell off the face of the planet. I haven’t heard from him all day.”

“Aw, Rose, I’m sorry. I know you really like him.” Jack gathered her into a hug and his heart cracked a bit when he heard her sniffle.

“I really really do. Why won’t he answer me? He could just say no and we could stay phone friends at least.”

“I don’t know, Rosie. Your man’s an idiot.”

She laughed, a small watery thing but a laugh nonetheless. “Yeah he is.”

“Wanna stay in and watch cheesy chick flicks and eat ice cream?”

“I don’t want to ruin your night, Jack. You go ahead and go out without me,” she insisted, pulling back from the hug.

“Nope. I’m spending the night with you. We can go out another time when you’ll actually have fun.”

“I might have already eaten all my ice cream.”

“I’ll go get us some more while you pick out movies. Deal?”

“Throw in some wine and you’ve got one.”

“Perfect.”

They shook on it like they always did and then Jack kissed her forehead and waltzed back out the door.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

John sped back to town, anxious to get to his flat where he would have both a charged mobile and service so he could use it. He’d gone on a stargazing trip and forgotten that he wouldn’t have any reception or power and he hadn’t told Rose that he was going off the grid.

Damn but he missed her. He was really hoping that she still wanted to be friends now that she didn’t need his astronomy knowledge any more. He thought that she would but there was still this niggling worry that maybe he thought they were better friends than they were. He could be blinded by the ginormous crush he had on her but he was almost positive that they were legitimately friends.

The moment he stepped into his flat he dropped his bag on the floor with a thud and made a beeline for the phone charger by his bed. Powering up his mobile, he winced at the number of texts he’d missed. A couple were from Donna but he went straight to his messages with Rose.

He couldn’t contain his grin when he read the first few, the ones that said she wanted to meet him. John couldn’t believe he’d missed these! Then his heart fell into his stomach as he kept reading.

Text to Space Doctor [10:34 am]: if you don’t want to meet up u can just say so

Text to Space Doctor [10:40 am]: i’m not going to hold it against you or anythin

Text to Space Doctor [5:45 pm]: i hope you’re alright. not like you not to text back.

Text to Space Doctor [6:02 pm]: sorry if i made things awkward

Text to Space Doctor [11:22 am]: you know what, fuck this. i really want to meet you because i really like you and you’re one of my best friends now. you don’t have to up and ghost me just out of the blue like this

Text to Space Doctor [1:30 pm]: please at least let me know that you’re okay

John swore profusely as he checked the time and realized that her last text was from four hours ago. She’d been texting him all weekend, thinking he was just ignoring her because he was an idiot and forgot to tell her he was going out of range.

Hands shaking, he hit the dial button and raised the phone to his ear, praying she’d actually pick up.

“Nice of you to finally answer me,” she said acidly when she picked up on what he thought was the last ring before it went to voicemail. “I do like to know that my friend isn’t dead in a ditch somewhere.”

“Rose, I’m so sorry,” he started.

“For worrying me or for being a prick or for something else?”

“Everything? I was on a stargazing trip and I forgot that I wouldn’t have service out there. And then my phone died and I’d forgotten to pack my charger and I just got back to my flat and saw your messages. I called right away. I’m so sorry.” The words spilled out of him, like if he got them out fast enough, Rose would believe him faster and they could move past this and get to the meeting up part that he really hoped she still wanted to do.

There was silence for a moment and then he heard Rose start laughing.

“Rose?”

“Oh my god, I was worried that I’d scared you off and then that something had happened and you were just being your normal idiot self,” she said through her laughs.

“Um, yeah pretty much. And for the record, you proposed to me during our first conversation, I don’t think you’re scaring me off now,” he said, rubbing at the back of his neck with his free hand.

“Well, that’s good to hear.”

“So, chips? I’ll buy. I really want to meet you too.” He paused, heart racing as he worked on getting the words out. “I kinda really like you too,” he said.

“It’s a date,” Rose said. He could hear the smile in her voice and he grinned too.

“Brilliant!”

“Are you free right now? I could murder a basket of chips right about now.”

“I am! Just have to wait for my phone to finish charging.”

“Perfect. I’ll text you the address of my favorite chippy?”

“Sounds good.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later then!”

John made a little happy noise and Rose laughed.

“I like the sound of that too,” she admitted.

“I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Bye, Doctor.”

“Bye Rose.”

They rang off and the Doctor just grinned down at his phone. He had a date with Rose! A real proper date!

His mobile buzzed and he quickly opened the message from Rose.

Text to Space Doctor [5:47 pm]: meet in an hour? this is the address.

Text to Space Doctor [5:47 pm]: <image attached>

Text to Space Doctor [5:48 pm]: and that’s me so you know who you’re looking for ;)

Text to Space Doctor [5:49 pm]: see you soon! xx

Text to Starry Rose [5:49 pm]: You are gorgeous.

Text to Starry Rose [5:50 pm]: <image attached>

Text to Starry Rose [5:50 pm]: One hour. See you soon :) xx

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Within five minutes of meeting, neither of them could remember why they were so nervous about doing this. They talked as easily as they had over the phone and text for months but now, they could see the smiles they were drawing from the other person and brush fingers as they stole chips from each other.

Rose teased John endlessly about forgetting his wallet when he had promised to buy but said that they were definitely on him next time. His answering grin was so wide and bright that Rose thought she might pay for the chips all the time just to see it.

They reluctantly parted ways after a couple hours, heading in opposite directions outside of the shop. Rose had barely made it around the first corner when her phone vibrated in her hand.

Text to Starry Rose [9:15 pm]: Have plans for tomorrow?

Text to Space Doctor [9:16 pm]: miss me already? ;)

Text to Starry Rose [9:16 pm]: Yes.

Text to Space Doctor [9:16 pm]: big ol’ softie <3 i miss you too

Text to Space Doctor [9:17 pm]: and no i don’t have anything planned

Text to Starry Rose [9:18 pm]: Good. Want to hang out with me?

Text to Space Doctor [9:18 pm]: absolutely. give me the details when you know them?

Text to Starry Rose [9:20 pm]: Will do :)

Text to Space Doctor [11:15 pm]: so i figure i might as well put this out there before i see you tomorrow. i meant it when i said i really like you and you should know that it’s as more than just a friend. i’m hopin that you feel the same but if not than we can stay just friends

Text to Space Doctor [11:18 pm]: really what i’m trying to say is that if you’re not completely opposed to the idea i’m probably going to kiss you tomorrow

Text to Starry Rose [11:19 pm]: Honestly, I almost kissed you today when we hugged goodbye so I’m definitely not opposed and I feel the same way :)

Text to Space Doctor [11:20 pm]: !!!!

Text to Starry Rose [11:20 pm]: Haha, my feelings exactly!

Text to Space Doctor [11:22 pm]: so… do you want to just come over to mine tomorrow and watch netflix and maybe make out on the couch?

Text to Space Doctor [11:23 pm]: i might even let you convince me to watch star trek finally

Text to Starry Rose [11:23 pm]: Yes.

Text to Starry Rose [11:23 pm]: Also yes to the Star Trek. You’re going to love it!

Text to Space Doctor [11:24 pm]: your nerdery is catching, apparently

Text to Space Doctor [11:24 pm]: i only didn’t watch it before because i thought it would be more fun to watch it with you

Text to Starry Rose [11:25 pm]: Now who’s the big ol’ softie? :)) <3

Text to Space Doctor [11:25 pm]: the promise of make outs helps too

Text to Space Doctor [11:26 pm]: still you <3

Text to Starry Rose [11: 28 pm]: I’m going to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow! xx

Text to Space Doctor [11:29 pm]: goodnight doctor <3 see you tomorrow xx

[survivormagictreehouse]

Episode 1: “Why is my tribe all these musty men and Ruthie?” -Ali

-I'm writing this pre-cast reveal and I'm scared shitless. Dear future Jess, Don't puke before tribals because of anxiety. Don't let the m*n tell you what to do. Don't get in your head and trust your gut. Sincerely, Pre-Cast Reveal Jess.

- Now where do I begin.... It's day 2? I believe.... in this game and I've already spiralled and showed the signs of a future crackhead. In all seriousness though, I've calmed down and the initial shock of cast reveal has worn off. I was a bit shook seeing some of the people in this cast playing. I've literally hosted a large chunk of these people so I REALLY HOPE NONE OF THAT COMES TO BITE ME IN THE ASS (I don't think it will). I hope people realize I wasn't really paying close attention to their games when hosting.. and if I was... I have the memory of a pebble. I'm sure none of that will have an impact on anyone besides maybe Ali. BUT ALI IF YOU ARE READING THIS.. DAY 2 JESS REALLY WANTS TO WORK WITH YOU! Now lets talk about my tribe: - We got Rachael/Zach who are super close or at least have some sort of connection through his sister. - We got Birch/Keegan regardless of whatever they are pushing about doubts with each other I can see them cleaning that slat in the name of numbers. - Me and Gavin because I'm the only one he knows in this game. - Possibly me/Timmy if he wants to work with me. - Possibly me/Chips hoping he remembers I did show how blindly loyal I was to him the last game we were in.... - Bodhi might be in with people like Zach (who he was hosting) and Rachael. - John honestly... I have no idea about. He's such a wild card for me. My overall thought process and game plan right now is... BLUID THOSE RELATIONSHIPS! I think I proved with my challenge performance I am an asset to this tribe but I want to show people I can be an asset to them. I can see us swapping at 16 so I'm going to be around this tribe for a bit so I need people to want me around. So far I'm getting along with Keegan he seems like a cool cat. I'm also aware he's probably a cool cat in everyone's eyes but for right now.. I really like him! Birch is definitely a social beast. From what I remembered they were an extremely social player in the season I hosted them but they are very transparent with their information which does scare me. For the time being though, I'll attempt to work my magic with them and build that trust so the information spills to me.. Rachael is a queen. I really want to work with her because I do see similarities between our playing style which is something I always gravitate towards in games. I'm naive and I do know she has other people higher up on that trust-ladder based off of initial relationships but I do hope to somehow climb that. Although I do know she will be a power play in this game, I know I'm going to need other power players around me to ensure there is a target ahead of me. She also brings connections which typically brings in information. So rather than be a crackhead and go for her (which is what cast reveal night Jess thought about) I'm going to try and work with her. Zach.. honestly, I don't know how much I have in common with a teenage boy so that might be a road block between us. He is one of those key-relationships I hope to build off of through Rachael. I will also die if Rachael/Zach aren't that close and I'm just rambling shit right now. Gavin is one of my FIRST ORG friends and I'm SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM PLAYING THIS GAME. I don't think anyone right now knows we are close but I'm not afraid to cut him if it means I go further in this game. I'm not really sure about my tribes chances for this first immunity challenge. Everyone aside for a few people on this tribe seem like they have their shit together in this challenge. I know the "movie trivia" crew snapped hard and my back hurts from carrying my tribe but.... our chances of winning rely on Timmy (who is on vacation), Gavin who is probably working or something, and Bodhi who is hosting currently. So to say I'm confident.... would be a giant ass lie. I'm excited for the idol search to open up SO BAD.

-Cast is revealed and game starts in a half hour. I’m feeling excited. I hope I do better in this season than the game I did last, 17th. Ughhhhhh, grosss

- I’m having fun doing the quotes, it’s interesting. I feel like I’m getting along well with everyone. I’m trying to talk to them all and interact. If I’m amusing they won’t get rid of me. Right? Right? Somebody tell me I’m right

-Okay tea time!  I'm really excited. I had to add A LOT of people I have never talked to before and I always like doing that because I LOOOOVE playing with people that don't know how I play and also getting to know clean people and starting with a clean slate! The only people I had added on my tribe are Jay and Ali and I LIKE that!   I'm excited to talk to people, scope everyone out a little and see what I need to do.  This game and the theming is SO CUTE and I can't wait to see what all happens next!

- https://youtu.be/MY-s5k1n7sI

why is my tribe all these musty men and ruthie what did i do to deserve this.

https://youtu.be/LPxSC_ZjZIc

https://youtu.be/ojw9T8GsbaA

-That 36 person cast twist not being real...big disappointment, I was hoping for a huge mess where someone cries. But 20 people, good size. My tribe seems like good people so this should be exciting.

- So we lost the first immunity challenge. Seems like it’s unanimous for John to go. Works for me as he is who I wanted out when I woke up this morning since we hadn’t spoken. He keeps saying he wants someone who was weak in the challenge out and didn’t tell me a name but told Rachel, Bodhi. Funny thing is, John did worse in his challenge than anyone in the quotes group so therefore his own logic can be used against him.

-AHHHHHHHHHHH MY PEOPLE ARE HERE I DON"T KNOW WHO I WANNA WORK WITH. There is king ali, my bae Austin, bestie jay, and really old time friend Collin in this one tribe. I'm not even counting people on the other tribe. I'm gonna lose so hard. I'm crying tho

-When I was meeting my tribe for the first time I was thinking that we have a very good group here. I'm glad to see Bodhi again cuz I haven't seen him since Trinity: P&P a few months ago. I think that with the additions of Birch and Keegan to our tribe I think we're gonna win some challenges. So I'm hoping for the best and not the worst for this team.

- So we're all waiting for the results of the 1st challenge, and I'm feeling a little nervous that my tribe may lose, but I'm hoping that we do win because I want this season to start off on a good note for my tribe. I'm just hoping that we pull this off and not blow this.

-the way i was offered a final 2 within minutes of joining the tribe chat. hopefully this ages well and you get to see me and bodhi succeed :)

- John is too damn messy and has got to go. PERIODT.

https://youtu.be/L1-ZBhnUQ7U

-I love my Tribe!! I'm super excited to play with Keegan and Timmy again! I'm trying to get closer with everyone else since I haven't played with them before. I'm also kinda nervous for the challenge. I have a weird taste in music so we will see how this goes. I really hope I'm not first boot. I haven't had good placements in my last couple of games, so I'm hoping for better this time! This cast is iconic.

-So my mom got my drunk before the challenge and then tried guilting me into not doing the challenge. we flopped anyway. we are currently pulling ahead in the Movie challenge but it's still early so idk. I really hope we can get the next 2 challenges. I don't wanna be first boot.  

- Ahoy matey! me got cursed t' only talk like a pirate in thar tribe chats n' me alliance chat. So me’m doing dis confession like a pirate. So anyway. me’m in a alliance Wit' Keegan n' Jess. As far as me know our jolly crew only verily talked t' each other. So dis works out. Our jolly crew also lost which SUCKS. me verily hope me’m nay first boot. me might sail after John. All me conversations wit' him be painful. So that’s fun. me like all hands so dis will hard. But let’s see what happens! Birch signing off.

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1Iq3ANGs8M&feature=youtu.be

- Here’s the Tea Link: https://youtu.be/X3J2e4ffmiY

- https://youtu.be/Q80k6g4QUIk

Kinda bummed the movie challenge didn’t go so well hope we don’t have to go to tribal this early

-Hello hello! I am SO happy to be back in atomic Survivor! I feel like things are off to a really nice start and I'm hoping that will continue. For now I'll do a little assessment of my tribe before we find out results for the first challenge. Ali - I've seen him around in the community a lot for years, im pretty sure I was around when he played his first game. But I don't remember if I've ever had the chance to actually play WITH him. He's such a nice guy I've loved talking with him so far Austin - Lmao the funny thing is I actually talked to him for the first time ever like a week ago. A real lucky break that he and I were both part of this casting twist. We immediately started talking and agreed to look out for each other. Cindi - this is my first time meeting her ever! She seems really rad and we've just been talking about life and tattoos and shit lmao. I can definitely see myself working with her in the future. Collin - y'all I LOVE Collin. I just played with him in Mesopotamia, and even though he voted me out I never had any bitterness towards him cause he's just that nice. He's definitely been the person I've talked to the most so far. We have a lot in common and I really want to trust him. But I am still a bit wary bc of Mesopotamia. Czern - I don't really have a read on him yet. Haven't spoken to him too much. Dan - Same as Czern but I haven't spoken to Dan at all Vi - Vi is such a ray of sunshine, I've loved her ever since I met her in Tashirojima. In fact my biggest mistake in that game IMO was voting her out. I'm 100% working with her this time. Ruthie - It's been so long since I've talked to Ruthie and I'm so glad that this game gives me the chance to reconnect with her. An absolute legend and one of the nicest people I've ever met. I haven't talked strategy with her yet but that'll come soon lol Timmy - Yo he DESTROYED that music challenge and I'm super grateful for that. I've talked to him a little bit and he's pretty nice but I don't really have any further opinions on him lol

- Reallllly glad we didn't have to go to tribal tonight. I've been really busy today so it would've been a really rough time. But instead I got to enjoy my day, but of course I socialized with my tribe. I feel really close with Collin, Ali, and Ruthie. Granted those are relationships that started outside of this game, but they're relationships nonetheless. I really vibe with Austin too, even though I talk to him a little less, we're bonded through that opening twist. And the best thing is Austin mentioned vibing with all those people + Vi (who's great as well, I just haven't talked any strategy with her yet) so I smell an alliance starting sometime soon. I just feel really well about the start of this game and im hoping it can last.

-First confessional of the season! I debated making a video but then I realized that's a lore more work and harder for me to have actual organized thoughts. Going back to the start of the game: I know RACHAEL, BIRCH, CHIPS, JAY, VI, CINDI, DAN and RUTHIE. The only person I don't know anything about is CZERN. So I've got a pretty stacked cast of people I can potentially work with moving forward. But I currently have three goals for this season: 1. Make the merge or swap so I can play with VI. Even if we don't work together, I'd love to play with her! She rules! 2. Make sure JAY gets voted out before myself. As a fellow winner, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. 3. Make sure DAN gets voted out before myself. He's a sneaky snake and I won't ever trust him after Nova Scotia. First off, I'm in an awesome alliance with BIRCH and JESS. It's only three people so it's not a clear majority but it's a good start. We formed this literally 10 minutes after the challenge had ended. Speaking of the challenge, it was a fun challenge but we did lose. However, JESS, RACHAEL, CHIPS and myself were the only ones who won our portion of the challenge, so I've been subtly hinting that I wouldn't feel right if any of us were voted out. GAVIN told me that TIMMY and BODHI didn't contribute much of anything to their part of the challenge, so that's a possible decision when it comes to this tribal. However, JOHN has been very difficult to have a conversation with and I've been told that him and BODHI won't vote for each other. So right now it's just working with JESS and BIRCH to determine what the best option is moving forward. I'm thinking I can get RACHAEL, ZACH and GAVIN on board with whatever we decide. Tune in later for some more thoughts.

-I wanna say it’s be super eventful but not really. Just a few small things: CHIPS has been telling everyone everything. He told JOHN he was the vote. He told JESS about the GAVIN thing. He needs to learn to keep things to himself if he doesn’t want to be gone next. JOHN tried throwing ZACH under the bus for not being good in challenges. I had a call with BODHI and apparently ZACH is a comp beast. So that’s not happening. If everything is as planned JOHN should be the unanimous vote. I might throw a stray vote on CHIPS just in case of an idol play but I’m undecided.

So this round I got super close with Austin and Collin, and close with cindi, and okay close with everyone else. I killed it in the music challenge because I  did not feel confident I wouldn’t go home if we lost. I need to tighten my bonds and hopefully make a solid group before the next round. I have no real targets atm but Ruthie and I have yet to speak so that’s awkward. I kinda wish I was on the other tribe because I feel like I’d vibe with them better. I had to make sure I was the first to go into the treehouse because I wanted to be open and transparent about what happens in there and make sure that nobody else got to go in and change what actually happens. I’m very excited for the next few rounds tho!

https://youtu.be/e_oVLgNr4ro

Okay so first round is going pretty good so far . I cant believe they put me on a tribe with vi which is amazing bc ride or die right there. I know ali vi collins and jay are def ppl I wanna work with in this game . I mean my whole tribe is great . Dan I know is a wild card and he seems like he wants to work together but I'm not sure if I can fully trust him since he did vote me out last seasons with telling me a damn thing . Cindi was almost in my duplicity season I'm on production for so I know her a bit as well. I know she would probs go with Rachael at a swap or merge which is dangerous .THANK GOD we won the first immunity and I dont have two sorry about a vote bc if I'm honest it would be HARD to decide on a name . Let's see what happens tho I'm ready to play and ready to win

Honestly it seems pretty slow starting. Just working on getting to know the tribe at this point. I really like Collin and Ali but beyond that I'm not getting like amazing vibes from the others. I'm not getting bad vibes either though, just neutral positive vibes if that makes sense

okay, so i have been focusing on getting to know my tribe-mates the past few days because in this game, connections are your lifeline. but, i also didn't want to come off too strong and be perceived as "too social" from the get-go *cough* keegan the snake *cough*. so, i laid back, talked to people (some more than others), and tried to focus on winning immunity. unfortunately, when immunity slipped through our fingers, i quickly got to work socializing and making sure i wasn't the one to be blamed for our loss in our challenge. i felt that i contributed a lot and tried to start discussions and debate about our quotes, and felt as though i didn't get much back from my team. so, i made sure that people knew my group wasn't very communicative and had they communicated more, we could have totally won. i didn't push for a name to begin the round, but i did make sure to let people know who i hadn't talked to in hopes of getting one of their names on the chopping block this round. i made sure to reach out to everyone (even those who didn't reach out to me or seem invested in the game, nor our conversations) because i don't want someone to spread my name as a result. then, it seemed to narrow down to john and timmy. also, it was obviously leaning towards john leaving this round. however, it was not until about a few hours before day change that john had FINALLY heard that his name was going around due to the fact that it was TRULY IMPOSSIBLE TO TALK TO HIM. funnily enough, this information came directly from chips--someone who i haven't talked to much. thankfully for me, john decided to tell almost everyone exactly what chips had said and no one was pleased to hear that. so, i worked my magic and made sure people were upset that chips tried to throw us all under the bus--because i need to make sure there is a target for next round that isn't me... DUH! later, i asked john what he wanted to do, and he sat there completely clueless. i was completely dumbfounded at his reluctance to say a name when his ass was CLEARLY on the line. eventually, i worked a name out of him, and he said bodhi (who was the only one who wanted to keep him earlier today)... so i obviously went right to bodhi and made sure he knew so i could build some trust with him going forward in this game since talking to john literally made me lose brain cells by the minute, i wanted to make sure he was the one leaving tonight. so, i am hoping everything goes according to plan at tribal tonight, but as long as i don't leave, i am golden with whatever. until next time... xoxo, gossip girl

So basically I'm not in town right now... and IbhopenI can trust people not to vote me until I get back and am less busy. I really bombed the challenge by getting 0 points for my tribe but we won that part... because the other people carried. Good stuff. Anyway we are voting John because he doesn't communicate well and has kind of mansplained the potential different vote? If its true then woohoo I got another round. Also! I got am advantage from idol hunt and thats nifty. 

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Click HERE to watch both out PREGAME and ROUND ONE cast assessments!

[that-sokovian-bastard]

Mortal Immortal (12/31) - August 12 - Avengers x Reader

Words: 1434 Pairing: Avengers x (f)Reader Characters: Tony Stark, Loki Laufeyson, Thor Odinson, Pietro Maximoff, Wanda Maximoff, Warnings: swearing probably Chapter Summary: Still fighting and alive, though weakened, you were still being monitored. However, when a certain person decides to get more information about your powers slyly, you talk about your past and how tough it has been. Not a lot is released, but you manage to get a few things off your mind, only to end in more visitors. Author’s Note: Can you tell I live for Loki's redemption arc? I need it. It's here in this fic, enjoy. I LOVE WRITING ABOUT YNS PAST GUYS, ITS 1800 YEARS, IM HAVING SO MUCH FUN COMING UP WITH THE BACKSTORY!

Mortal Immortal Masterlist / Full Masterlist

Ao3 / Wattpad Links

---

Everyone was in their own corners of the base and have been ever since Tony ran out of the recovery room. Fighting against the Silver Shadow was strange because he has no pattern, leaving the Avengers clueless about when he could and will attack.

Tony knew he shouldn't do the things that were on his mind, but he would do anything to have his best friend alive and healthy as possible. He couldn't bare to see you weakening, and with no hope of solving the curse with a few regular Earth books, he knew there was one answer.

He had to go to Loki. Now, normally, Tony would not go to Loki for anything. He's a trickster and it's very hard to trust him- but right now, Loki was the only one Tony believed could crack the curse. He couldn't go to Bruce anymore because Tony had already read over all of the books and notes he has. He couldn't go to Thor because this is not his prime zone, and would probably forget what he was supposed to find out. Steve would think it too dangerous and anyone else would try to get Steve's approval. Loki was the best for the job, and for more reasons than one.

Loki is a god, and has been alive almost as long as you have. Only a few hundred years younger, but he knows what he is doing. He is a master of tricks and works with curses more than anyone else Tony knows, and Tony knows that there is always a way to end a curse.  "This is gold!" Loki laughed when he heard what Tony wanted. "You want me to talk to (Y/N) for you, so you can try to figure out how to get her back to normal?" Loki asked. There had been a lot of past troubles with Loki- repeatedly faking his death, trying to take over Earth and Asgard, and just generally being against everyone. He's trying to be better though, and maybe by helping you get back to normal would get him some points.

"I get it if you don't care or want to help," Tony started, "This was a dumb idea, I should just do it myself-"

"Oh, I'll do it. I know more about curses than any one of you do," Loki nodded, a small smile peeking through. "It would also be more interesting to try and figure things out. A challenge, perhaps. And the faster she is able to be back and fighting, the faster we can defeat the damned Silver Shadow."

Tony nodded, internally beyond glad that Loki agreed. "Great, so, I have a few ideas on what we need-"

"What's her curse again?" Loki asked, and Tony explained the things going on with you. "All right, I know exactly some questions to ask," Loki said, and before Tony could even get another word out, Loki vanished from the room to talk to you. It would be hard to be discreet with Bruce monitoring you every single minute, but he knew what he was doing.

You were only bedridden to make sure that your health did not decrease anymore. You were feeling perfectly fine, pissed, but fine, besides the fact that your health was worsening. Reporters from all types of media were trying to get in contact with you or any of the other Avengers to hear about you. Most calls went to Tony, which ended up on voicemail. However, some reporters tried to make their way to the Avengers facility: which they were denied by a big, locked gate and FRIDAY forcing them to turn around and leave.

"Loki?" You croaked and looked away from your phone when he entered the room. "I was not expecting to see you here."

"Do you mean here as in the recovery room, or Midgard itself?" Loki asked as he took a seat on the end of your bed.

You thought for a minute. "Both, I guess. I was not expecting you to get a free pass to come back to Earth, but I guess since you want to help it worked out fine. Thor told me you're trying to get better, is that right?" You rambled a little, but it wasn't as bad as normal.

Loki nodded. "I suppose so."

"Oh, and I also did not even think you would come to the recovery room to see me. I mean, we don't really know each other, and the last time I saw you I kicked your ass and-"

Loki put his hand up to stop you from talking. "Things change, (Y/N). I heard bad things happened and I actually wanted to learn more about you, if you don't mind?" Loki asked, hopeful for two reasons. That you would agree, and that you would not question why.

"Sure, what do you want to know? I'm stuck in bed all day, so I have a lot of time to talk."

Loki tried to think of ways to word his questions. "I was told what happened to you and why- and I was curious as to how many times this has happened to you before?" Loki winced, hoping his comment wasn't crossing any lines.

"Oh, so, basically you're asking how many times I've been in love. Only a few times," You nodded, remembering your past lovers and all the pain that came from losing them.

"How did you...you know...get your power back?" Loki asked slowly, mentally jotting everything down.

You sighed, remembering one of the hardest relationships to get over. "Well, back in the renaissance times I fell in love with a guy. I didn't mean to, because times back then were actually really tough. But we kept running into each other and we got closer and we both fell in love. And I turned his age, we were around 34 when things went downhill. It was hard to survive and with my immortal health, I was doing much better than my partner was. Well, back then I didn't know it was my immortal health still in my body, but it still confused me. All in all, he died, and I was given my powers back. That one was really hard to get over, but it happened, and I'm still here," You retold the story as quickly as you could. "That was probably more than you wanted to know. I'm sorry, I haven't talked about him in a while."

"No, no," Loki insisted, "I asked to hear and it is actually very interesting to hear about it!" Loki documented this in his head to use later. "How...many other times were you in love?"

You laughed a bit. "Loki, it hasn't been a lot. I'm 1800 years old and if I fell in love a lot I probably would be dead. My guess is no more than ten, but I don't remember all of them the clearest. After so many years of being alive, there is a lot of information in my brain. And being someone like I am, I was considered a witch, a dark evil, a force to never be reckoned with...love wasn't very easy for me before times began to adapt," You reminded him.

"Of course, (Y/N)," He nodded. "What about your other powers?"

"What about them?" You raised an eyebrow. "I don't really know how I got them- they just came with the immortality," You shrugged.

Loki sighed. "Yes-"

"(Y/N)! How are you feeling?" Thor boomed as he walked in with three others following.

"Bruce groaned as he looked down at the tablet. Thor, could you not scare (Y/N) like that? She doesn't need that, it could harm her-"

"Nonsense, (Y/N) loves me!" Thor smiled. "Loki, you're here too? Time for a party- I brought Barton and the twins!"

Your smile grew as you saw your other friends appear behind the god of thunder. "Oh, Pietro, tell me all about your lightning throwing. Wanda, did you learn anything else?" You gushed to the both of them, getting admiring smiles from Clint as he watched the whole interaction.

Loki realized he would not be getting you alone again for a while and decided to give up. Quickly, he managed to escape from the room and write down all he found out. Sadly, it was not a lot. But it was something to get him started, and it would give him an idea on how to end this curse. However, for now, you would continue to stay old and bedridden, with no idea how your health would balance and if you would survive.

A cure needed to be found quickly.

@heyitskatrina @marvel-at-bucky@majbritsr@usualblogforanunsualblogger@chloesegalle003@221bshrlocked @this-is-moonfairy @wildberry1​ @latrombone​ @fandomtime-123 @the-trashiest-potato @the-scarlet-letter@winterssoldierrs@bands-we-love-you-sel  @chrys-1029@iamtheonewhocares @thatweirdreadergirl@jaderz-mega-yikes@mehrmonga@xcastawayherosx@lexbugz@allertonn@erinella2656 @supernatural-36@bugalouie@marrvelle@captain-purpledino@erinella2656@lovingmytelevision@pinetree111@feelmyroarrrr@cheyennethefangirl@lovemesometimhortons@artisticgamer@messybl0g@stormyfandoms@darkangel1423@eternalanxious@protontippens@sweetdee198@yellow-cucumber2@avengemenugget@umwhatandrea@thesaraaaaahpfan@illuminatithreat3@harleyquinnandscarletwitch @theboredwriter13 @raindancer2004@chloesegalle003  @gryffinclaw-marauder​ @beefybuffybucky @pillow223 @thepoet1975​

[lillysleepilystudying]

92 Questions Tag

tagged by: @court-ships (now @bujo-ie )

LAST: 1. drink: probs water (tbh i dont like water much but you gotta sTaY hyDrATed) 2. phone call: i ran out of credit ages ago and haven’t bothered to recharge it so i haven’t called anybody recently, but mum has called me, so i guess that counts. (actually thinking about it i can’t remember the last time i called someone) 3. text message: to my best bud (cause i was wallowing in the depths of despair for like 3 weeks cause i felt like she was ignoring me so i finally got the courage to text her about it last night :) i think we’re going to be good) 4. song you listened to: K I’M LISTENING TO TEAM BY LORDE RIGHT NOW AND I LOVE IT FOREVER AND ALWAYS  5. time you cried: tbh like last weekend (see point number 3)

HAVE YOU: 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anybod 8. been cheated on: nup, thankfully 9. lost someone special: i have lost relatives but i never really knew them? i have lost quite a few pets tho :/ 10. been depressed: not ‘officialy’ but past couple weeks have been bad (once again, see point 3) 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never been drunk, only ever had small sips of alcohol (i’m way to young)

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: ohh so hard i don’t really have a fav, but i guess all blues (with and emphasis on teal) and like nearly all pastel colours.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yeah, but not like super close 16. fallen out of love: nah 17. laughed until you cried: maybe, but not very much 18. found out someone was talking about you: i don’t know? like this one isn’t very clear 19. met someone who changed you: sort of, i became closer to best bud, who i guess has changed me a bit 20. found out who your friends are: yes, but like also no? one of my few good friends left (for england of all places, but she is coming back), another’s moving schools, and once again see point 3 for other friend 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: no lol i don’t even have facebook

GENERAL: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: see point 21 23. do you have any pets: YESS SO MANY a dog, two cats, like 8 horses (only one’s mine tho), 3 ducks (one i’ve had since i was like 4), around ten chickens... yeah i kind of live on a farm without all the big herds (also a lot lot smaller than a farm lol). fun fact: we used to have like 7 peacocks, they’re actually the coolest birds to have around. 24. do you want to change your name: no way, i actually quite like mine :) 25. what did you do for your last birthday: pool partay! tbh i went way overboard with the decorations, i spent hours making little paper flowers for everyone (they looked pretty cool, actually) 26. what time did you wake up: probs like 6;30, but stayed half asleep until 8:20 (shhh it’s a sunday i can do what ever i want 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleepinggg (sadly without my radio on bc mum wanted me to ‘try sleeping without music’ mum how i can i i need it ON 28. name something you can’t wait for: DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL #BILLISBACK GET PUMPED!! also PINOF 9 and halloween baking videos from dan and phil, also, any album coming out from any of my favourite artists for the next like 104585 years. ALSO I’M GOING TO MONGOLIA IN LIKE 2 WEEKS HOW DID I FORGET THAT 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like half an hour ago we were running about in the rain putting the horses back in their yards 30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: world peace, there are too many people (and animals) that are a victim of unhappiness they will never deserve

31. what are you listening to right now: A WORLD ALONE AKA THAT LORDE SONG THAT I RELATE TO ON AN OTHERWORLDLY LEVEL 32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah, there’s one in my grade and he speaks fluent french (at least he did last time i checked which was like 2 years ago) 33. something that is getting on your nerves: tbh like all homework ever, plus this giant self-directed project we’re doing this year, it’s the most stressful thing ever. also, once again see point 3 34. most visited websites: umm i guess youtube, school’s home page, tumblr (although i’m mainly on mobile for that and that’s an app) reddit and ao3 (one my phone)

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. mole/s: nah not really 36. mark/s: nah, but i got beeg stretch marks on the sides of my hips bc i am gROWING FAST 37. childhood dream: i think a vet or zookepper. also i really wanted to publish a book that said ‘new york times bestseller’ on the front bc that’s what all my favs said on them (tbh i still dream of this) 38. hair color: blonde ayyy (but it’s getting darker underneath) 39. long or short hair: i guess medium - long (little below my shoulder blades) 40. do you have a crush on someone: not really i haven’t had one in literal years unless you count that time i sorta thought i had one one on my best friend even though im 98% sure i’m straight 41. what do you like about yourself: my creativity, like i’ve learnt not to say ‘oh i’m horrible at art/writing’ when i’m actually not that bad. also, i’m a total weirdo 42. piercings: confession: i don’t even have my ears pierced yet?? like, i do want them pierced, but i literally can’t be bothered atm lol 43. blood type: idk, although i did get a blood test like last monday, so i should know soon 44. nickname: i don’t really have any (there’s not much you can do with ‘lilly’) although i have one friend who calls me lilpil. 45. relationship status: single and probably staying that way for a while :) 46. zodiac: capricorn (but i don’t bother with zodiacs bc i am NOTHING like a capricorn) 47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite TV Show: OMG I HAVE SO MANY BUT I’M A FRIGGIN HUGE DOCTOR WHO AND SHERLOCK FAN COME SCREAM ABOUT THEM TO ME also if you ship johnlock that’s even better!! 49. tattoos: none 50. right or left hand: right handed 51. surgery: nope 52. hair dyed in different color: never done, probably never going to (i change my mind ALOT) 53. sport: tbh i hate sport but i do horse riding and with school i do sailing and hockey (bc a summer and winter sport is compulsory)  55. vacation: OK LIKE I SAID I’M GOING TO MONGOLIA AND I CAN’T GIVE AWAY TOO MUCH BUT I DID HAVE TO APPLY TO GET IN AND I’M RAZZED 56. pair of trainers: i’m not to particular, i just have shoes for sport (alTHOUGH, i do have an awesome pair of white sneakers with a bit of gold round the back)

MORE GENERAL:

57. eating: it’s father’s day and we had a GIANT breakfast and lunch so i don’t know if i’m even having dinner 58. drinking: i could KILL for a milo right now (it’s like, my version of tea or coffee) but parents have stopped buying it because ‘there’s too much sugar’ TIM I DON’T CARE I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT 59. i’m about to: idk i need to practice guitar, work on my bujo (bc i’m super behind), keep writing my fic, and i guess other general stuff 61. waiting for: nothing really, it’s sunday night so i’m sad bc it’s monday tomorrow 62. want: lots of things (who don’t amirite) but one is getting my bedroom walls gyprocked and painted (they’re wood panelling and i hate it) 63. get married: tbh whenever i meet the right person :) 64. career: FILM DIRECTOR YO i know nothing about film but i still really want to do it.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. hugs or kisses: OMG HUGS HUG ME PLEASE 66. lips or eyes: eyes, literally everybody’s eyes are beautiful, it’s great 67. shorter or taller: taller 68. older or younger: older i guess 70. nice arms or nice stomach: nice personality ;) 71. sensitive or loud: sensitive, like me tbh i’m so sensitive raise your voice at me and i will burst into tears  72. hook up or relationship: relationship always 73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, also like me

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. kissed a stranger: definitely no 75. drank hard liquor: nopeity no 76. lost glasses/contact lenses: don’t have ‘em 77. turned someone down: technically yes? there was this new kid at school and he was literally asking every girl out, i was a bit confused. 78. sex on the first date: definitely no  79. broken someone’s heart: sadly i think so (but we’re like best friends no so it’s all good) 80. had your heart broken: no 81. been arrested: no 82. cried when someone died: yes, aforementioned relative i barley knew (still sad tho)  83. fallen for a friend: sortofnotreally

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. yourself: yes, at least i try my very hardest 85. miracles: in a way, yes 

86. love at first sight: not really

87. santa claus: when i as like 3, yes 

88. kiss on the first date: maybe?

OTHER: 90. current best friend name: ezri, my smol bean (also person from infamous point 3) fun fact: we’re both pretty sure she’s named after her character from star trek, ezri dax (her parents are giant nerds just like ez and i) 91. eye color: blue/gey with a bit of green 92. favorite movie: ARGHHH I CAN’T PICK I HAVE SOOO MANY, LIKE EVERY ONE BASED OFF BOOKS I LIKE, i really can’t pick, but one that is quite special to me is ‘my house in umbria’, my grandma and i used to watch this together all the time

Ok whoa this took me LITERAL HOURS but now that i’m done i just want to tag anyone who wants to do it! :)

[lunarmoonacnh]

i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight 

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio 

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog 

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh 

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive 

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad. 

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit 

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique  

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser 

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school 

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me 

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose 

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them 

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius 

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed 

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned 

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11 

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea 

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3 

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee 

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long 

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears 

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother  

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale 

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

[skiasurveys]

old myspace surveyyy

1. Last beverage: Iced tea

2. Last phone call: My mom i believe

3. Last song you listened to: Closer- the chainsmokers ft halsey

4. Last time you cried: today 

5. Have you dated someone twice: kind of.  my current boyfriend and i dated before but it was only like  2 weeks and then we didnt date again til 5 months later, and now were still together which has been 15 months. i dont really consider he first time an actual relationship lmao

6. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it: eh, my first kiss was awful

8. Have you lost someone special: yeah my dad died.

9. What are your three favorite colors: lilac, cyan, pink

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: not in the past month

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: yeah

12. How many kids do you want: none.

13. Do you want any pets: i have two cats

14. Do you want to change your name: yeah i do

15. What did you do for your last birthday: Had dinner with my boyfriends parents, then had a small party with a few friends and my boyfriend, but that was it. Wasnt so lit.

16. What time did you wake up today:  i woke up at 10 am i think

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to finally move out

18. Last time you saw your mother: um. like 10 minutes ago lol

19. Most visited webpage: youtube

20. Nicknames: Jen, Babygirl, i dont really have nicknames that much

21. Relationship status: Taken

22. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius 

23. Male or female: female

24. Height: 5′1 

25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend 

26. Piercings: I got my ears pierced when i was 18 but i took it out apparently too soon and they shut.  I am going to get them redone but im just lazy

27. Tattoos: none as of now

28. Strong or Weak:  physically or emotionally..haha..

FIRSTS

29. First surgery: wisdom teeth

30. First best friend:  Eric or Reis 

31. First sport you joined: softball when i was 7/8

32. First vacation: British columbia when  i was 4/5

33. First school: Joseph welsh 

34. First pair of trainers: If trainers you mean shoes but in a british lingo..uhh i dont know. DC shoes? those ugly fat skater shoes.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes: eyes

36. Hugs or kisses: honestly both, but idk it depends. sometimes i love hugs because i like feeling him hold me and against me , but kisses are so sweet

37. Shorter or taller: taller

38. Older or younger: older

39. Romantic or spontaneous: both

40. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing: a bit of both. im really outgoing so in a relationship it doesnt matter for me. but i dont really like people who cant make conversations at all..

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger: I dont think so.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket: No

45. Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts

46. Sex on first date: nope. but oral sex yeah.

47. Broken someone’s heart:  i have but whatever.

48. Been arrested: No

49. Have you turned someone down:  yeah but thats cause this dude wouldnt stop trying to date me and the funny part is he didnt even live in the same fucking city as me so idk why he kept trying so hard. I also had a dude back in highschool who i still chat with try to date me but ive turned him down couple of times but he knows now.

50. Fallen for a friend: not really.

51. Moved out of town: no

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles: ehhh

53. Love at first sight: no. but i mean i know when i first met my boyfriend i was like oh hell yeah. but its not love.

54. Heaven: yeah

55. Santa Claus:  no and never have.

56. Kiss on the first date:  sure. ive done it. idk how you cant believe in a kiss?? lmao

57. Angels:  yeah

58. Yourself: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?: yeah but not “in love”.

61. Ever cheated on somebody: No i am not a cunt.

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i would love to relive my first date with Connor, i dont know why. i wouldnt change anything but that day was really awesome.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love: No. 

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?  well i guess, since i am in a different one right? it wasnt a mistake per-say but he was a waste of time. 

65. Do you miss your last relationship? god no.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

connor, the other day <3

67. Have you ever been depressed?  yeah i have depression.

68. Are you insecure? yeah but im getting better.

69. How do you want to die? in my bed, while asleep.

70. Do you bite your nails?  lol i am currently.

71. When was your last physical fight? Ive never really had one.

72. Do you have an attitude? yeah. i can have one.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl if i ever eat it. i hate spaghetti. Connor loves it though..

74. Do you tan a lot? eh no

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? yeah usually while on a trip

76. Ever made out in a bathroom? yeah.

77. Would you take any of your exes back? Not at all! Barf.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? depends on the time.

79. What are your plans for this weekend? it is the weekend currently, nothing is planned.

80. Do you type fast? yeah

81. Can you spell well?  i think i do.

82: What are you craving right now? nothing actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah a few times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?  yeah my boyfriend lmao

85. What’s irritating you right now? my dry skin atm.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah.

87. Does somebody love you? yeah my man does. lmao

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car? a few times

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?  milk. white chocolate is nasty

90. Do you have trust issues?  i kind of do.

91. Longest relationship? my one i am in currently which so far is a one year and 3 months

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? i am sure he thinks about me every so often, i mean i sometimes think about them for no reason and not the “i miss you” thinking just like something reminds me of them or whatver. Im sure they think of me sometime. i dont really care lol

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs? yah lol

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

95. Did you have dream last night?  yeah i dont remember it anymore

96. Have you ever been out of state? yeah

97. Do you play the Wii? eh not anymore. i dont like the wii or the wii u, i tried to like the nintendo products but i am more into Playstation ;)

98. Do you like Chinese food?  i do

99. Are you afraid of the dark?  sometimes

100. Is cheating ever okay? No.

101. What year has been your best? 2015 so far and 2016 wasnt really so bad.

102. Do you believe in true love? yeah i guess

103. Favorite weather? fall weather. where its warm but kind of cloudy, where you can wear whatever you want and you wont be too cold or too warm. 

104. Do you like the snow? NO

105. Do you like the outside? yeah i do.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yeah i like when connor does

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? yes

108. What makes you happy? cats

109. Ever been to Alaska? no

110. Ever been to Hawaii? no 

111. Do you watch the news? usually like to keep an eye on whats happening with the world. like now.

112. Do you love MTV? no

113. Do you like subway? yeah but its not my fav anymore. but i do crave it randomly

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no lol were dating.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well my best friend of the opposite sex is my boyfriend..so...

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz? im bored

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? yeah actually one time my mom and i were shopping and we saw this crazy lady that we know. and so we kept avoiding here while we were grocery shopping and we actually got away lol thank god. she is so annoying. When my dad died she told my mom she had to get rid of his pictures. like mcfuck off.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah a few 

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? connor

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jennifer

121. Ever bought condoms? no. we dont use condoms 

122. Ever gotten pregnant? No. thank god

123. Have you ever slipped on ice? im sure

124 Have you ever missed the bus? yeah

125. Have you left the house without money? i have once. i was working too and on my break i was heading to get food and then i realized i forgot my wallet. -___-

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? no. just weed.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar? no 

128. Did you ever drink alcohol? yeah of course.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?  yes. one of my favs

130. Have you ever been overweight? last year i went on medication that made me gain 20 pounds, but i lost all that weight now thank god. I wasnt over weight but i was kind of chubby. Im back to my skinny-self thank god! 

131. Ever been to a wedding? yeah

132. Ever been in a wedding? yeah my cousin got married in 2013 and asked my sister and i to be apart of it. worst idea ever. We werent really apart of it. she had her friends in it and my sister and i were just kind of the side bridemaids..yah weird.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yeah back when i didnt have an ipad or iphone.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?  i sometimes binge netflix when im with my boyfriend

135. Ever kissed in the rain? no

136. Did you ever shower with someone else? yeah i have with my boyfriend. it was really intimate lol

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?  i have only ever failed the written exam where they ask you all that stupid shit and you have to remember speed and signs. but my actualy drivig test, i passed first try!

138. Ever been outside your home country? yeah to canada

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yeah we used to drive to vancouver or south BC which would take 13 hours.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game? NO

141. Have you ever broken a bone? no surprisingly i havent. even though i got hit by a car..

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life? no :(

143. Ever get engaged? no

144. Have you ever been on a diet? kind of.

145. Have you ever been on TV? kind of. not really.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi? yeah. with my boyfriend, its really awkward and weird...

147. Ever been to prom? we dont have prom here in canada but we do get dressed up in nice dresses and have dinner and a dance, but not prom. But yeah i did go.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? yeah i think 2 days 

149 Have you ever been to a concert? yeah. my first was...Jonas brothers...BARFFF. thanks 12 year old me -.-

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? i did have a little crush on the security guard. but not a big crush.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?  i got hit by a car

152. Ever had braces? yeah from 12-14. (gr.6-8)

153. Did you ever learn another language? i tried french. but i cant speak it. i gave up. I wish i could learn something different.

154. Do you wear make-up? yeah. 

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out? yeah when i was 18 i got put completely out and had surgery to get them out.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? yeah. 

157. Ever dyed your hair? yeah ive dyed it reddish, darker brown, fire ombre (look it up it was awesome), blonde, ash blonde, blonde with purple tips and then now i just dyed it back to brown which is its natural colour. i like it blonde but im starting to like it back at its natural state.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? yeah ive worn my sisters clothes

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance? no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter? no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire? no

162. Ever meet someone famous? no

163. Ever been on an airplane? yeah i was only on a plane from here (canada) to california and back. but thats it. my first time it was really nerve-racking, but on the way back it was chill. i dont like being that high up lol

164. Ever been on a boat? yeah a few times. its kay

165. Ever broken something expensive? no

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? no. my first actual kiss wasnt til i was 18..lol

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? yeah my fucking life.

[spnife]

91 question tag

Tagged by @vanillabeanniall​ and then @uswntinharmony​

More below the cut bc that’s how I roll

the last – 

1. drink: Arizona Tea

2. phone call: my mom

3. text message: my mom - she sent me two climbing videos. Or I sent them to me, from her phone

4. song i listened to: What a feeling, but I was asleep (i checked the music app just now), so the last song I remember hearing is Ray of Light by Madonna

5. time you cried: wednesday. First day of school was today so it was some stress

have you ever – 6. dated someone twice: yeah

7. been cheated on: yeah. I became friends with the guy though. Similar tastes I guess???  (( Actually I blocked him on snapchat last year bc he was talking some bs on his story but in eigth grade he wasn’t awful))  She lied abt it though and then talked to me two years later and still lied like okay

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no ragrets

9. lost someone special: not really

10. been depressed: fuck hell yep

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no. I had like a sip of beer on a trip but it was just to mess with a dude while he was in the porta potty

list 3 favorite colors – 12. light blue

13. orangish pink

14. dark purple

in the last year have you – 15. made new friends: heck yeah. I switched schools and found a really good group of people there already. It’s been alright

16. fallen out of love: not in the last year. gotta be in love first

17. laughed until you cried: probably but I don’t remember rn

18. found out someone was talking about you: I think? I found out parents were saying nice things about me. Mean wise maybe? I’m not really sure. Probably

19. met someone who changed you: at least one. a teacher last year

20. found out who your true friends were: i think? 

more –  21. kissed someone on your facebook? alas, i do not have a facebook

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? see 21

23. do you have any pets? A super sweet black lab named FeeBee, a kitten named Mulder and a cat named Milo, and a hedgehog named Wembly

24. do you want to change your name? i like my name. My last name bothers me sometimes bc dad stuff but it’s gotten better

25. what did you do on your last birthday? I had a chill day at school, got a nice car, got a card from all of the kids on the climbing team. One of them said “Wow Coach Ella, you only have two more years til you can drink,” like i’m sorry kid I’m only 16

26. what time did you wake up? 7. first day of school

27. what were you doing at midnight? crying and putting school stuff in my backpack and watching VEEP

28. name something you can’t wait for: to keep getting better at climbing, the Harry Styles concert on oct 11, my birthday on oct 13 bc it should be fun and I hope I’ll get another card from the climbing team bc they’re all lovely

29. when was the last time you saw your mother? today

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i want to know that I’ll be able to be happy

31. what are you listening to right now? watching Raising Hope

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yep

33. something that is getting on your nerves? I keep getting anxiety while I’m at climbing practice and that’s one of my most comfortable places. it feels like im going downhill with climbing even though I know im getting better

34. most visited site: netflix

school –  35. elementary: i loved my elementary school. every teacher i had was amazing, small school in austin and a good community and i still talk to my friends from there. so when i moved to the new school in fifth grade and depression was already showing up, the differences made it literally hell. it was awful. i didnt like my teachers and i didnt know people

36. middle: 6th grade was hell, 7th grade was even fuckin worse, 8th was still pretty bad. All the worst years of my life so far, and tbh it’s gonna be hard to top them

37. high: better than middle school but thats a really fucking low bar. like incredibly low.

38. college: planning for ACC for two years to get base courses, dream school UT in an engineering major. I love the school and the program there, but I worry if I could barely get through middle school, how tf am I supposed to survive college. Also it didn’t feel great when I was talking to a friend and I was like “yeah ut is tbh my dream school, if I can get in” and she was like “oh that’s one my last choice colleges” like fucking okay love you thanks for telling me that makes me feel real good about my intelligence and how you view me

me –  39. hair color: brown

40. long or short hair? shoulder length

41. do you have a crush on someone? yep. according to a friend i am “so gone for this girl” but um. oka y what if she doesn’t like me? I feel good around her though and she likes being around me and we work well together I think. She’s lovely and I wouldn’t want to make things weird by asking her out if I don’t know she feels that way too.

42. what do you like about yourself? I am able to figure things out and I work with kids really well. I’ve also been getting better at climbing again so I’m proud of myself for that

43. piercings? just my ears

44. blood type: lol yeah like i know?

45. nickname: ellallalala is something I’m getting from people at the new school, and I’ve had some climbing nicknames over the years but Coachella is sticking. I coach and my name is Ella it’s great

46. relationship status: nope

47. zodiac sign: libra

48. pronouns: she/her

49. favorite tv show(s): always sunny, parks and rec, my name is earl, curious george

50. tattoos: soon

51. right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right

first –  52. surgery: i had one on my pelvis in 2013? i was in preschool and it was for this weird group of veins on the side of my leg. We’d always called it a birthmark and after the surgery the scar looked like a sunset over water but the sun is purple (still looks like that it’s rad) and the first time someone showed me a birthmark i was like??? Um no thats just a little dark bit of skin?? my birthmark is purple what is this shit

53. piercing: ears

54. sport: rock climbing. found it early and still love it

55. vacation: no idea

56. pair of trainers: first i remember are a PAIR OF DORA LIGHT UP SHOES

current –  57. eating: nothing

58. drinking: arizona tea

59. i’m about to: finish my arizona tea

60. listening to: the episode ended so me typing and the clock my great grandmother gave is

future –  61. waiting for: me to feel alright

62. want: to like what i’m doing and to know i’m able to be happy doing it. I wish I could just skip to being married with kids and a dog and everything.

63. married: oh for sure

64. career: astronaut has always been my dream career but with this level of anxiety it’s probably a no go. I am not over it. I’m def gonna cry abt it in a couple of minutes bc thats how it goes, ya know. The last astronaut I talked to though said “the biggest disqualifier is not applying” so i’m still going to try my hardest. I also love engineering and physics and space and science and education and would love to be a librarian, so we’ll see

your type – 
 65. hugs or kisses? depends

66. lips or eyes? eyes, i guess. There’s more character there

67. shorter or taller? in my head i’m always like oh taller but really it doesn’t matter. as long as i can be little spoon im good to go

68. older or younger? doesn’t matter

69. nice arms or nice stomach? tummies are cute i guess. 

70. sensitive or loud? i don’t know

71. hook-up or relationship? right now relationship and at some point relationship but ask me a couple months ago and it would have been different

72. troublemaker or hesitant? both. troublemaker with a lot of decisions but in fun ways, but hesitant when it comes to talking to new people that i want to be good friends with. and asking people out

73. kissed a stranger? yep. on a bet

74. drank hard liquor? had some jack daniels mixed with coffee and it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch

75. lost contact lenses/glasses? my glasses always turn up

76. turned someone down? yeah. accidentally on a few though lol. As i had a crush on someone i went out with for a little while last yeah legit three other people liked me and i guess im oblivious bc i had no fucking idea

77. sex on first date? depends

78. broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so

79. had your heart broken? yes but in a friendship way along with the relationship. it goes back to the you should kill yourself stuff

80. been arrested? nope

81. cried when someone died? no one i’ve known closely has died. My great-great grandmother died when i was fiveish but she was really old. There have been a few suicides at my old school (i switched 2 months before end of last year) and those hit hard, just knowing that there are so many people here dealing with that stuff and me relating to it. I didn’t know the people well but we’d spoken and I knew them some, but I had some friends who were much closer and really affected

82. fallen for a friend? yeah

do you believe in –  83. yourself? i try

84. miracles? shit happens, and sometimes it’s good

85. love at first sight? who am i to say tbh

86. santa claus? no

87. kiss on first date? if i like them

88. angels? no

other –  89. current best friend’s name: skip

90. eye color: hazel

91. favorite movie: i dont know im tired and want to cry sort of so maybe i shouldnt think about this stuff as much when im already stressed im going to go drink more tea and eat some soup

Anway

I’m tagging anyone who reads this far. gotcha

[coldcigarettes]

I was tagged by Lio @andrewminyarrr​ for two tagging games a while ago, sorry I only got around to do them now! As usual I’m not tagging anyone but feel free to do them and tag me so i can have a look!! 

RULES: tag 9 people you want to get to know better
 RELATIONSHIP STATUS: in a poly relationship with a wonderful person ♥  
FAVOURITE COLOUR: blue-green LIPSTICK OR CHAPSTICK: chapstick in the winter LAST SONG I LISTENED TO: Flint (for the unemployed and underpaid) - Sufjan Stevens LAST MOVIE I WATCHED: 
The man from U.N.C.L.E TOP 3 TV SHOWS: Merlin, Hannibal, Sense8 TOP 3 CHARACTERS: Stiles Stilinski, Andrew Minyard, Harry Potter TOP 3 SHIPS: Merlin/Arthur, Harry/Draco, Neil/Andrew 
BOOKS I’M CURRENTLY READING: (just finished rereading) Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe 

THE LAST 1. drink: water 2. phone call: city hall (to get some paperwork done) 3. text message: to my mom 4. song you listened to:  For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti - Sufjan Stevens (currently listening to the album) 5. time you cried: At a funeral a few weeks ago

6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yes 9. lost someone special: in the ‘dead’ meaning or the ‘left my life’ meaning? Either way yes 10. been depressed: #depressionforever (I’m doing way better than a few years ago though) 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Last november after a party in bar, threw up right before getting in an uber

3 favorite colors 12. Blue-green 13. dark red 14. desaturated orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: yeah!! 16. fallen out of love: nope 17. laughed until you cried: yes 18. found out someone was talking about you: hmm not that i remember 19. met someone who changed you: no 20. found out who your friends are: ?? yes i know my friends better because we’re becoming closer as time passes? it’s a good thing 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: nah

GENERAL 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I’ve met almost all of them IRL but some I’ve only seen once 23. do you have any pets: 3 and a half cats 24. do you want to change your name: yeah im trans i fucking hate my birthname 25. what did you do for your last birthday: I went to a nice japanese restaurant with a few close friends 26. what time did you wake up: 11 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Drawing 28. name something you can’t wait for: HORMONES 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: this afternoon 31. what are you listening to right now: Sufjan Stevens 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no 33. something that is getting on your nerves: Parisian university administration 34. most visited website: tumblr 35. hair colour: blond with brown roots (need to go to the hairdresser soon...) 36. long or short hair: short 37. do you have a crush on someone: not really 38. what do you like about yourself: I can be very organized 39. piercings: 1 + stretched ears 40. blood type: No idea 41. nickname: not sharing cause i dont want random people using them 42. relationship status: in a relationship 43. zodiac: scorpio 44. pronouns: most of the time he/him, some times they/them 45. favourite tv show: Merlin  46. tattoos: 5 tattoos, 3 on my left arm and 2 under each knee 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: 1 for my wisdom teeth 49. piercing: ?? same as above 50. sport: roller derby 51. vacation: didnt really take any since i wasnt studying or working 52. pair of trainers: the cheapest, less ugly one i could find

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: cereals 54. drinking: water 55. i’m about to: (try to) draw 56. waiting for: inspiration and energy to work on commissions 57. want: money 58. get married: prob never unless i really need it for financial reasons? 59. career: some day as a film director or editor I hope

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: lips 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: my age or older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: uuurgh can’t choose, both is good! 65. hook up or relationship: both is also good but can’t do hook ups for gender reasons so... relationships i guess 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant (i’m made 90% of self doubt)

HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: yeah i was drunk 68. drank hard liquor: yep 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: sunglasses yes, glasses never 70. turned someone down: hmm sort of 71. sex on the first date: depends what you mean by date but yeah 72. broken someone’s heart: no idea 73. had your heart broken: hmm no 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: All my relationships started as friends but if you mean unrequited, no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: ahahahahah. no. 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: no 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: yes??? 82. angels: no

OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: uuh they prob wouldn’t their names there so im not gonna share sorry 84. eye colour: vaguely-golden brown 85. favorite movie: the man from u.n.c.l.e atm (it’s in my top 5 fav but the 1st one change regularly)

Done! I might have missed a question, those were quite long ahah.  Thanks for tagging me Lio!!