#and it probably means i still have unhealthy coping mechanisms i need to work through

[hazbin-critique-place]

THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE THE APOLOGY TOUR (part 1)

Blitzo just randomly walks in. AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE HIM, HE'S LITERALLY THE CLOSES THING TO MY COPING MECHANISMS IRL AND PEOPLE HAVE DESCRIBED ME THE SAME WAY AS HIM, I'M NOT SHITTING ON HIM, but rather the storytelling... Like... What??? Like, make it make sense.

So he just randomly comes and goes, as he wishes??? And we saw he didn't have any problems with stealing (maybe just felt bad a bit but come on he kills ppl for living and we see how sadistic he can be he's NOT gonna have problem with that) why doesn't just steal from Stolas' house and sell that shit????? Like - he could fucking quit his job or find a better one!!!

And then he wouldn't need the grimoire, and... Boom.

Then, why is he even there??? Like - did he use his brains at all?? Like - bruv, you got rhe crystal already, so if you wanna act like you don't give a shit... Just don't come pleading to him (bird dick guy) and basically annoy the shit out of him for next 10 minutes even if you're right. Trust me, that's not how you feign nonshalance. I would know.

Stolas being sassy at him, then??? Like - if you have the guts to be sassy, why don't even have the whole conversation wuth him and sit and talk the relationship out with each other already??? Are you THAT stubborn?! That's not normal.

Also, if you really don't want him there, Stolas, just teleport him out. Or yourself. Just - fucking make it make sense. You HAVE the powers, and I KNOW that in Good Omens Crowley and Az would in this situation probably forget that, Neil even speaks about it in some interview or idk, but... Come on. HE'S SMART. STOLAS LITERALLY READS. (I know this is stereotyping but there IS a reason for the stereotype - literally a majority of people who'd read in their free time (and c'mon, even I, an ao3 monster, wouldn't read after such a fight like Sto and Blitz had - my anxiety would be making scenarios and pacing through the garden already -) ARE smart.) Don't make him look all educated and priviledged and informated and shit just to act like this mean asshole, like - does he ENJOY annoying Blitzo back??? (Also, pls shut, you twitter users who "dOn'T dEaDnAmE hiM!!!1!" all over reasonable posts when you lack better arguments. It literally IS his legal name, and if he had such a problem with it, he could change it easily... Take Anthony to Angel Dust, after all. Or just nicknames could work.) Bcs I at this point honestly think he does.

Also, you dumb, dumb, hypocritical bird, why would you show him a fucking invite when you could just repeatedly tell him to at least 'go away' or just act objectively reasonable????

And if you're trying to be so polite bro, just magic him a cup of tea, or something, to match the yours. It would nicely fit to the scene and aesthetic, also it would make you seem more nice and classy... At least I could like you.

Also, are you ignoring Blitzo or fuck¥ng talking to him???

Because at the same time, you want to have an alone time, but you still throw baits to elarge the conversation at him.

He's all sassy and makes comments and aaahhh - so you're like satisfied with the situation now or what???

I mean, poor Blitzo -

Like-

If you hate him, just tell it to him already. Poor boy.

Oh god, we aren't even 3 minutes in and I have already writen a goddamn novel.

Also, I know it's supposed to be funny, but the whole party idea is honestly just dumb. Like... I would be so bored and not even excited to even go to a place designated to constantly talk about a person I hate? Lol

Like I love a good gossip but not as a theme for a goddamn concert-having function!

Also, you know that happy people live longer, right? This is kinda unhealthy - I mean, that's just basic, no? Like don't support and feed your hatred towards an individual just to feel better about yourself, or at least don't force it.

Bcs I get the guy who broke down crying at that one shot after he tried to hit the blitzi plush so much. And the other dude was hyping him up. I'd be so much confused, like him. Like - he's going through some hard stiff, like some facking serious character development right now, just let him be!

About Martha... Ehhh, I love her new design and character, but it just seems boring and soul sucking now that every character, after they're denonised, they just happened to be the same, most generic, and shitty snappy, constantly angry and always frustrated (and frustrating) characters ever. Like - does hell really that much brainwash people??? I mean, it would be interesting, but honestly I don't think that Vivzie did this intentionally at all.

Also, why would you even sleep with your nemesys... 😭 I'm a number one enemies to lovers fan and I don't ship it if they don't bite rach other but this, especially so unexplored and just randomly thrown in, does NOT make and sense.

It was funny though lol. I want more of these just to see how much Viv's one-dimensional view of her own fucking characters transforming to hell changes.

Part 2 soon.

[fandomsnrambles]

Ik people talk about the tragedy of the Spinjitzu family, but i mostly see it focused on Lloyd and Garmadon which isnt bad, but also you’re sleeping on the tragedy for Wu and the FSM.

FSM -> Was a dragoni child raised in constant war who had to choose between family. Probably was a child soldier himself if we’re being real honest. Chose none of them and ran away. Idk how you come out of that w/o trust issues.

Hell, the trust issues was implied with Nineko and the way he doesn’t tell his sons much. Why would he? To do that he needs to tell them about his past, which means trauma dumping on his kids. He’s emotionally constipated. Can’t say it but does love his sons and the land he created. He fights to defend it and despite his past, longs for a world where he doesn’t have to fight anymore. Longs for peace.

However, his eldest son is hit with a poison he can’t cure (probably due to the overlord’s interference now that i’m looking back on it.) but he does his best to find what he thinks may work. He helps him through his episodes and tells his sons where he thinks the cure may be. But it still ends in disaster.

Wu -> Raised with high expectations. Probably under a lot of stress to keep up. I’m thinking gifted child/burn out. Loved his father, looked up to him but unintentionally copies his father’s unhealthy coping mechanisms because he thinks his father is the best. Doesnt realise his father probably struggled with his own internal issues with trauma. Did therapy exist 1000 years ago? Probably not.

Anyway, he watches his brother fall victim to a poison and blames himself for it (ignoring the fact he was what. 9???) Makes a lot of mistakes (Aspheera) but tries his best to fit into the mould of expectations.

Probably represses a lot of emotions. Anyway, he goes on to watch his brother descend into darkness (watches him go for chen at some point) and fights along side him for ninjago until suddenly he’s fighting alone against his brother after his friends in the elemental alliance slowly leave.

He falls in love, but shes also someone his brother loves. His brother marries her and he tries to move on. He raises Morro until morro leaves.

At this point, he’s lost his brother, father, friends and now a boy he raised. Then he gets a nephew only to find said nephew has to fight his father.

[mmhcs]

Sun Comes Out Again

Miles Morales x PTSD!Reader

Foreword: I know that everyone’s experience is different but these are just my headcannons of how I think 1610!Miles would handle a partner with trauma

Warnings: Mentions of PTSD (uncomfortable feelings, mood swings, unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc.)

When (and if) you tell him, Miles, while shocked, tries not to let that be the only emotion he conveys in the moment. He tries his best to listen, letting you explain the situation, your feelings, etc.

To be really honest, he's just been under the impression that you're anxious (like him) about making sure the relationship is going well and that the other feels loved and appreciated.

Miles knows a lot about mental health, but he also doesn't really know a lot about mental health. Like, don't get me wrong, he's most definitely an emotionally intelligent guy and he's the number one advocate for mental health, especially that of his fellow Black boys. But when it comes to learning about the specifics of how to deal with triggers and flashbacks...He's still some ways to go. But, despite not knowing everything, Miles tries his best.

Despite him having Spider-sense, Miles is not a mind-reader. (I mean, have you seen the movies? He's emotionally intelligent but you have to remember that his brain mainly thinks when necessary). He notices your shifts in mood, yes, but you have to communicate with him. If you tell him what you want or need, he'll try his best to give it to you.

^You need reassurance? He'll make it a point to start slipping in more compliments and reminders that he's so thankful and grateful to have you in his life. You feel anxious and like the world is too big? Depends. If you want company, he'll sit with you, put something on and just sit with you. No words need to be exchanged. However, if you want to be alone? That's cool, too. He'll probably send a text or two (the first just saying that he hopes you're okay and that you'll get through this, the latter being a good night text where he emphasizes the same thing).

For my readers that tend to isolate themselves: he's okay with you needing your space. But Miles knows that difference between when you're not at 100% and need some time and when you're purposefully isolating yourself as a punishment, self-harm, because you feel unloveable, etc.

^If you tend to isolate yourself, Miles won't force you to do anything that feels uncomfortable or too much for you. If anything, he'll simply come over (or invite you over to his place) and go about his business while you do your thing. If you're up for doing anything, however, then you best believe that he's making plans, getting ready, texting his parents, saying that he might not be home for dinner...No matter the circumstance, he just wants you to know that you're worthy of love and shouldn't have to go through what you're going through alone.

Miles tries his best not to take anything personally. Like, if you two are cuddling and suddenly you don't want to be touched anymore or it all feels like too much and you want to be alone, it's not biggie to him. He'll find other things to do (draw, bake, annoy his parents and/or friends at the Spider Society).

Miles hates seeing you depressed. When he sees you like that, he feels sad (he's a Certified Empath, okay?). He wants to make you feel better and take away all your sadness but he knows that it doesn't work like that. So, he does the next best thing and helps you power through it.

^Asks if you've taken your medication, does regular checkups to see how you're doing, encourages you to go out, do your hair, dress up, be happy or, alternatively, encourages you to cry, wallow, be angry, take a break. He's very big on feeling what you're feeling and letting it out.

^^ Supports you on your healing journey. If you decide to go on medication, he's cheering you on, sitting beside you as you weigh the pros and cons, giving you advice and suggestions. If you (also) go to therapy, he's sure not to schedule dates that interfere with appointment times, reminds you of your upcoming appointments (I would say who needs a calendar when you have Miles but he probably uses the calendar to remember your appointments, too), and always, always, always asks you how you feel after each appointment.

^^^"Do...Do you feel like that [therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist] hears you? Because, you know, it's okay if you don't; we can always find a new person for you!"

After hearing and listening to you, Miles starts to think that he, too, may have PTSD. And, I mean, he probably does. Did y'all see how that boy became Spiderman? I don't think an adult could handle all that and my good sir was how old at the time? Fourteen? Fifteen?

Miles would be hesitant to talk about it at first (whether or not you know that he's Spiderman) because he doesn't want to feel like he's "piggybacking" off of you and also is he really traumatized or just overreacting?

He'd eventually tell you, though. If you know that he's Spiderman, he tells you the story of how it happened and if you don't know then he focuses more on the part about losing Uncle Aaron and how things have seemingly been constantly changing and stressful since then.

With your help, he would formulate a plan to talk to Rio and Jeff (or should I say Mr. and Mrs. Morales? Rio, please don't hit me) about starting therapy.

When he finally does tell them, Miles is scared out of his mind. Like, he's having an about-to-faint anxiety attack during the whole conversation. And what makes it even worse is that instead of giving an immediate response, his parents tell him that they're going to "talk it over" with each other.

^^During the first second that she and her husband are alone, Rio is advocating for Miles to go to therapy. Jeff agrees and has no problem with it, but Rio closes the door and says something like, "Start researching counselors," like they just didn't tell Miles that they were going to talk it over.

Rio knows her son and she's noticed the shift in his behavior ever since he's started attending Brooklyn Visions. She doesn't know if it's the school itself or something else going on behind the scenes and sometimes it drives her crazy at night. It hurts a little that her little man doesn't want to tell her but make no mistake, that's still her baby and she'll do anything for him and his happiness. So, if he wants to try therapy, then best believe, she'll be all around the hospital, asking for recommendations.

Miles is a nervous wreck before his first therapy session. He's hyperventilating, scared, rethinking everything. But once you (and his parents) come in to calm him down and remind him that this isn't weakness; it's a bold and brave decision that he made, he starts to calm down.

Y'all share coping mechanisms that you learn in therapy. Y'all make a commitment to learn more about each other's triggers and how you can best help each other through your rough times. Y'all regularly remind each other that you are not broken, not damaged, and worthy of all the love in the world.

You two most definitely have a secret spot that y'all go to when one or both of y'all are not feeling it.

Overall, Miles loves you and through your love, he has learned about himself and is happier and healthier than ever.

Bonus: Imagine Miles as Spiderman, screaming from a rooftop, "Mental Health Is Important!"

I had fun with this one.

To anyone struggling right now: Keep going, you're doing amazing. You are so loved and I'm proud of you for deciding to embark on this journey. It may not feel like you're making progress or like you don't know what you're doing but you'd be surprised how much of healing is throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks.

And to anyone currently going through it: It will be okay. I'm so darn proud of you for persevering and remember, when you sink to the bottom, the only way left to go is upwards. You're so loved.

If you need someone to talk to or just want to chat, you can always send a message!

[problemduetest4life]

YOOO for the WIP game can i ask about: ‘WHY WHY STFUUUU (All the cookie wrappers, and the empty cups of tea) - Jean Moreau/Jeremy Knox (aka the "happy" fic iykyk)’

because u said iykyk BUT I DONT KNOW OMG :((( AND I WANNA KNOW TOO!!! (would love to read a scene too hehe)

Well, let's get into it! It's called the "happy" fic not because it's happy but because the title is from the song Happy by Mitski. Kind of boring explanation for that haha... It is an ongoing work I've been posting on ao3!

It's not a direct continuation after TSC but it starts in the fall of the same year. It has a focus on Jean dealing with his trauma, at first through unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's multi POV, though probably 50% Jean. (you also get Jeremy, Cat and one Rhemann POV!!) Also the Jerejean is kind of slow burn but backwards?? if that makes sense??

Here's a scene I haven't posted yet that I think ~captures the vibe~

~

“What can you tell me about the necklace? What does that mean to you?” Dobson asked.

“It’s Renee’s. She gave to me and told me she would always be there for me. That if I ever needed help...” Jean trailed off. The feeling was coming back.

“I’m sure that still stands, even if you think it’s been a while.”

“I had her. But I didn’t go to her,” Jean said. Vulnerability pinched at his skin. He hated the feeling. It made him sick that the people who had seen him at his lowest, his most exposed and most decrepit, were strangers. At the time he took advantage of that. He could hide the darkest parts of himself from the people who cared if only to spare them the strife. That excuse wasn’t enough to quell his shame anymore. “I had her and Cat, Laila, Jeremy....” And I still did what I did.

“You still have them, Jean.”

“But I didn’t tell them; trust them, and instead I made things worse.”

~

Sorry it's not a longer quote ahhh. Most of what I've written is going to end up at least a chapter after the next update.

Here is the link to the first chapter (though I recommend reviewing the tags before you read <3)

[apus-neverstoplooking]

807 words, prompt: Hallway, @jegulus-microfic

cw: codependency, the relationship can be read as toxic but it’s not meant to be, angst w/ a happy ending, fighting (not physical), unhealthy coping mechanisms, implied past nsfw. It sounds worse than it is, I’m just covering my bases here, I promise it’s happy at the end.

Regulus doesn’t even remember what they were fighting about. Probably something small, it always is; James is too hot-headed and Regulus is too stubborn. Neither can admit that they’re wrong until they’re yelling in the kitchen saying words they don’t mean.

Until James walks out the door and Regulus sits in the front hallway pathetically awaiting his return, if he returns at all. Everytime James slams the door behind him, Regulus wonders if it’s for the last time; if he was too cruel, too anxious, too sad, too Regulus for James to keep loving him.

But still he waits because he can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he needs James like stars need hydrogen. And he knows logically that it isn’t healthy, that James shouldn’t be able to have this much of an effect on him, but it’s James. His Jamie.

Normally Regulus sits in a chair and reads. When James walks in the door they drag one another upstairs pulling clothes off and kissing marks into skin, apologizing but not really fixing anything.

This time Regulus trails after him and when the door slams shut he can only slide down the wall. Sobs wracking his body, convinced the sun has left for good.

That’s how James finds him an hour later when he walks through the front door, eyes flicking to the arm chair in the corner before finding Regulus curled up on the floor. Still gasping for air and tears down his face, but no longer crying.

One look at him and James immediately walks back out the front door. Regulus is sure James is leaving him now, and those little sniffles turn back into full body sobs.

Too much.

To cruel.

Too anxious.

Too sad.

Too Regulus.

He can’t communicate. He can’t be good. He can’t love James right. He can’t… he can’t… he…

Too much and never enough.

When James walks in the door for a second time an hour later, Regulus’s head hurts ten times worse than it did an hour ago, his lungs ache and his throat is sore.

James automatically sits down and pulls Regulus into his lap, gently rubbing circles on his back, scratching the back of his head with other hand.

“Reggie, I need to talk to you about something.” He whispers gently. “We can’t keep doing this, it isn’t healthy.”

Regulus immediately stiffens and grips onto the front of James’s shirt. Desperate to keep him close, to keep him here.

“We argue about the dumbest things, then we fight about it. I run off and you sit waiting for me, and when I do get back we just go fuck and don’t even talk about our problems or why we were fighting in the first place.”

“I know bu-“

“I signed up for a therapist, who I’ll be seeing weekly. I don’t ever want to be reason you’re crying on the floor of our entry hall. I want to be good enough for you and love you the way you deserved to be loved. And you don’t deserve being yelled at and abandoned. I love you so fucking much and I’m going to work to be better for you so we can work out because you are by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I can’t lose you.”

It’s silent in the hallway. After what has to have been ages, it was only a few minutes, James thinks Regulus has fallen asleep so he gets ready to bring Regulus up to bed.

Regulus murmurs against James’s chest.

“What was that, mis Estrella?”

Regulus pulls back a bit.

“I’ll go too, to therapy I mean. This isn’t just your fault. I know I’m fucked up. I know that. And I’m so sorry. For everything. For every time I didn’t just let shit go. For every time i was so so cruel to you. For every time I made it hard to love me. So I’ll go to therapy too, I think I’m finally ready to accept that I need it.”

If James had the smallest morsel of doubt about his decision before it’s completely gone now. He knows that Regulus wants this relationship to work just as much as he does; that some of his friends were wrong when they said it would be better to breakup, that he was fighting for a dead relationship.

“You’re not hard to love Reg. Loving you has to be the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” And it is, James isn’t lying.

“I love you, Jamie, more than anything.” Regulus has never meant something more.

“I know, my love,” James kisses the top of his head, “go to sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

And Regulus does, he falls asleep and wakes up in James’s arms and he continues to do so for the rest of eternity.

[midnight-rice]

Ephemerality, creativity, and completion

My sleep schedule is fucked and my brain is fried and I can't sleep so naturally I decided to go through all some of the files backed up in my Google Drive--- mainly my own artwork, old and new, some of my writing WIPs, and snippets of creative projects from fans and professionals alike that I had saved as inspirations. It was really refreshing to look back on the techniques and the flaws and the ideas in each of them, as well as my personal growth and the development of my interests. But so much of my work in there hasn't been shared because it's incomplete, which is something that haunts me quite a lot sometimes and as I was thinking about it and what I want from life I think I reached a new point in thinking. Apologies if I sound angsty or self-absorbed, I'm just liveblogging my musings for my own preservation purposes:

My inability to finish stuff is something that developed later in my life, starting around maybe late high school and becoming more noticable in my early twenties (although technically I'm still in my early twenties 😅). I suspect the cause is related to a mental disorder, probably ADHD though I'm not sure I'll ever get an official diagnosis, since the symptoms do sound similar to descriptions of executive dysfunction: almost everything I make has an invisible ticking clock on it, the length of which can vary wildly, but once that timer runs out the odds of completion drop abysmally low, no matter how much I care about the creation/task or how important it is. I've found that there are ways to prolong this deadline sometimes and the effectiveness of those methods can vary too. Sometimes it's better to take frequent breaks to avoid burnout, and other times it's better to push through while the intrinsic inspiration is high. Sometimes it's better to have deadlines to establish clear goals, and sometimes it's better to dismiss the time limitations because they can cause anxiety and hopelessness. Sometimes it's better to share what I'm working on in order to reignite interest by vicariously experiencing the idea with new eyes, and sometimes it's better to keep it to myself so that my brain doesn't conflate the act of sharing with the act of finishing.

And I know that things don't have to be complete in order to be shared, or at least I try to remind myself of that. My perfectionism makes me want to have it be *done* in its best currently possible form when shared, and tbh social media often reinforces that idea to an extent since WIPs tend to get way less attention than finished things but that's not entirely my point rn. I've more or less accepted that some things are made to matter in the moment, that I made them when I needed to and that it's okay to move on to other things without finishing. But presenting incomplete works can still feel like almost a betrayal as much as hoarding them does because it opens up possible miscommunication or misinterpretation--- if I had just found the right words or drawn the right details THEN the audience would get it.

And I think for me personally that idea of "getting it" is really important to me. I'm naturally more shy and reserved (or maybe it's not natural and was more of a coping mechanism to fit in but I'm not going there today lol) and I struggle to find the right words a lot in speech but the things I make manage to say a lot more about me than I can verbalize. A lot of my relationships are more surface-level like acquaintances and coworkers which is fine, it's unrealistic and probably unhealthy to be deeply intimate with everyone you know. But even some of my closer ones like my family still feel shallow at times or disconnected. I don't mean to sound edgy or that I'm "misunderstood," but I worry sometimes that if I got hit by a truck tomorrow they'd put the wrong words on my tombstone and never know about a Google Drive full of incomprehensible creative works that nevertheless mattered so much to me.

Oh my god the irony... I'm so tired I cant even finish this post and now it looks like I'm just having an anxiety spiral... f

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

Just a little note from Bee 🐝

I have some other characters you can send asks for too, besides Lemon and I;

💜Lucious Vespertilio: You've probably seen him in some of @cinnavanillamelody ask replies and posts! Her portrayal of him is mostly accurate (minus a fanfiction or two)

Species: Half subspecies of bat pony; Love Bats, Half normal pony (Not sure what type though, his parents are Mocha's characters)

Pronouns: He/Him

Nickname: Lucy (He only tolerates his partners calling him that)

Appearance description: greyish purple coat, Dark purple mane and tail that fades out into a lighter (but still saturated) purple color. His hair is usually short and wavy, sometimes curly. He wears a choker with a heart ring (like the ones with a circle ring but... heart bc love). His outfit choices vary

Personality: Usually light-hearted and charming, a bit of a flirt. Before meeting Cinna he was somewhat of a hopeless romantic. He's a bit oblivious sometimes, but he means well. He's very kind and empathetic, especially to his loves, but this extends out to all he meets.

Other: He's bilingual, Bisexual, and bi-g on self love

📕Alistor Sky: You might have also seen him in some of Mocha's and Cinna's posts, I believe he used to be Mocha's character, but is now mine.

Species: Pony (Unicorn)

Pronouns: He/Him

Nickname: Al

Appearance Description: Large unicorn, with a light colored coat and dark mane. (We have not drawn him much). Major RBF, looks very scary to those who dont know him. He has some scars on his neck, head and legs. Magic appears as a red color.

Personality: Actually a teddy bear on the inside. He's been through a lot, which weighs on him a lot mentally, but he's trying his best to work through it. When he's stressed, his default WAS unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking and smoking, but nowadays he buries himself in his magic studies and in the mane of his lover (Nexa Vespertilio, Mocha's character)

Other: He often gets mistaken for much older than he is due to his size and rbf; this has almost gotten him in some hot water before.

💙Kai Darkstone: His pony name might change to be more pony but this works for now

Species; Pony (Unicorn)

Pronouns: He/Him

Nickname: Princey, pretty boy, "Oh hey, Kodi"

Appearance description: Tall and slender, blue eyes, dark curly mane. His coat color isnt set yet. Magic appears as a light sky blue color.

Personality: Kind, caring, charming and mature. He used to be more wild when he was younger, but as he got older he calmed down and became the voice of reason among his siblings (along with his sister, Luna - Mocha's). He likes to read, and actually enjoys school. He's often called airheaded and oblivious due to missing certain social cues and misreading situations.

Other: Parents are in a large closed poly relationship (6), and their blended family means he has a total of 11? siblings. He is/was the eldest. His birth parents are Kodiak and Kira (Kira is Mocha's).

💖Nightshade Darkstone: one of Kai darkstone's husbands

Species; Pony (Pegasus)

Pronouns: He/Him

Nickname: Shade, Daddy (/hj)

Appearance description: As tall as Kai, but not as thin. His mane is black, fading to a bright red. His coat is a muted red that fades to a dark red/black toward his hooves. Sometimes he wears a collar. His eyes are bright red, and he has two small fangs on his top row of teeth.

Personality: He's friendly and a big flirt, which is kind of how he landed two husbands. He's very protective over his family, and he can be stoic at times. Most of the time though, he wears his emotions on his sleeve. Wants a hug? he'll ask or just take it. Needs reassurance? he'll ask for it. Cant figure out the friggen math problem? He'll ask for help.

Other: He's got ADHD, and dyslexia/dyscalculia. He's also been Kai's childhood best friend for as long as they can remember, and was considered a part of the family before they even started dating.

Thats all :D 🐝

[thewarriorspecial]

Dress Up (CH3 - Lying to Himself)

*Archive Edition* Previously only linked to AO3, full work now available under the cut.

Read on AO3

Rating: Explicit | Guy Gardner/Kyle Rayner, Hal Jordan, John Stewart, Original Character

Additional Tags (All chapters listed): Established Relationship, hand wavy timeline, Lace Panties, Spanking, Lingerie, Oral Sex, Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Character dealing with/avoiding their PTSD, Rimming, Drinking, Canon-Typical Violence, Blood, Bloody Kisses, Polyamory

Guy's still looking for some way to help. Kyle's still trying to barrel towards a sense of normalcy. Guy takes a turn at making their dress-up surprises a thing and it doesn't go the way he hoped.

Guy was hunched over his desk, head leaned in his folded hands as he tried to piece together a question or command to ask the ring for what he needed. The most powerful weapon in the universe was also a storehouse of all the universe’s knowledge for anyone who knew how to draw it out. If I was on Earth, he thought, what would I look for? How would I look? 

He leaned back, one arm wrapping around his chest and the other rubbing his chin. He stared at the empty space in front of the desk. He pictured a bookshelf and watched it manifest.

“Alright. Gimme everything you’ve got on human psychology and trauma.” Immediately the bookshelf overflowed with with books, more appearing in stacks on the floor. Stacks began appearing on the desktop, under the desk, in Guy’s lap, anywhere there was flat space.

“Okay. Woah. Narrow it down. Gimme everything specifically on unhealthy coping mechanisms for trauma.”

Most of the books vanished, and the bookshelf refilled with a few more stacks appearing on the floor. Guy pointed at the first one on top of one of the stacks, flicking his fingers towards himself. The book floated in front of him and opened. He reached into his vest and pulled construct glasses from within. After paging through the first book, he slid it unceremoniously off the side of the desk and it disappeared. He repeated the process with the next three. 

Looking up at the ceiling and rubbing his eyes he sighed, “This is gonna be a long night.”

Over the course of the evening, the bookshelf refilled over and over. Each time the stacks for a little smaller. Yet, no connection could be made between Kyle’s symptoms. Nightmares and flashbacks don’t present alongside hyper-sexual behavior. They create the opposite problem. Especially in males.

Fuck.

Unless it’s something compound? Complex?

“Show me the definition and conditions for C-PTSD and all known symptoms.” Guy carefully read through the stack of papers that appeared. Long term exposure. Childhood. Detachment. Relationship issues. Negative self-image and worldview. Nothing matched there either. That he knew of anyways. Should probably show this to Hal. “Add this to my notes.” The papers added themselves to a vey large three ring binder that appeared, opened, shut, and disappeared. 

Guy leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes. He needed a walk and some water. He’d have to walk passed Kyle who was still haunting the sofa, pretending to watch TV.  

Fuck.

“What would you do?” Guy asked the ring, pressing the cool surface to the skin of his cheek. “For Kyle, I mean. What would you do to help?” 

A business card materialized on the desk. 'Leslie Thompkins, Psychiatrist’, it read. 

“I remember her. Yeah. Yeah you’re right. How the hell do I get him to go?” A very large pet carrier and a bag of candy appeared. Guy stood up and waved his hands through the constructs to dismiss them. “Get outta here with that,” he laughed softly.

__

“You coming to bed?” Guy asked, leaning in the doorway of their bedroom.

“Yeh,” Kyle murmured, eyes glued to the screen.

“Later?”

“Yeh.”

“Okay.” Guy shut the door to block out the light and the noise. He dreamed of Kyle’s laugh and the taste of his skin.

When the door closed, Kyle pulled the bottle of vodka out from under the covers and took a drink. He preferred doing bong rips. The relaxation and elevated mood were a lot nicer than the slosh and brain fog from the booze but it would have to do.

“You’ll have to do.” Ganthet had said.

Should I even be here? Why won’t he sit with me? He’s up my ass all day until I’m sad. Am I becoming a burden? Does anyone else know? He probably wants to fuck. I’m not in the mood to fake it right now. I’ll surprise him with something tomorrow to make up for it.

Kyle propped himself up against the armrest, sipping from the bottle as he watched the DVD he put in earlier. When he and Guy left Earth, he had tried to back up all of his pirated movies and shows. For whatever reason the episode lists played in reverse order but he’s unconcerned. It was nostalgic and it felt good. Firefly played in front of his eyes and his fonder memories with Guy and Hal and John played in the back of his mind. He fell into a restless sleep and the bottle slipped from his hand.

Kaylee is shot. She gasps as blood soaks her overalls.

“Kaylee, stay with me. Can you move your feet?”

Guy look at me. Look at me. Stay with me. Squeeze my hand. Stay awake.

“Are you asking me to dance?”

You wanna hold my hand and skip? Heh, heh.

Kyle staggers to the bathroom and vomits.

__

Guy woke up with Kyle wrapped around him. They were side by side, chest to chest. Kyle’s head was tucked under Guy’s chin. Guy felt warm breath on his skin as Kyle snored and twitched in a deep sleep. 

The bed smelled like sex and sweat. Kyle had gotten into the habit of coming to bed in the barely light hours of the morning, coaxing Guy awake with light kisses and caresses. Kyle would tuck himself into Guy, urging the bigger man on top. Kyle would writhe and beg to be touched, but his body didn’t always respond. 

“This okay?” Guy would ask.

“Hell yeah,” Kyle would groan and Guy would waver between a desire to give his partner what he’s asking for and the guilt for doing it at all.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m with you. This is all I want.” And Kyle would smile with all the warmth and light of a new star.

And until Kyle woke, either kissing Guy and asking about his plan for the day or vanishing without a word, so stood their nightly routine.

__

Guy watches the rookies twist and dive through the obstacle course John built. Flight training was one of their favorite exercises. It’s impossible to forget your first real flight. In some ways you never really come down.

“How’s he doing?” John asks.

“‘Bout the same.” Guy answers.

“Hey it’s not worse. One day at a time. You get him to talk to anyone yet?”

“No.”

“Keep trying. Everything’s gonna be fine. And when it isn’t, I got you. Both of you.”

“I know. You took care of me. I don’t think I ever thanked you.”

“You did in your own way.” John smiles fondly, watching the blush creep up behind Guy’s ears. 

“‘Suppose so.”

__

Guy returned to the apartment. He checked for Kyle and heard the shower running. He sat on their worn couch, next to Kyle’s depression nest. He picked up the mostly empty bottle of vodka, replacing the lid. He picked up candy wrappers and folded the blanket, tossing it neatly over the back of the couch. Kyle’s sketchbook tumbled to the floor with a thud. Guy scooped it up and searched the cushions for any lost pens and pencils. He set the drawing implements down on the end table and sat down with the sketchbook. It’s newer, the cover only mildly blemished with wear and graphite smears. He saw that a little over half the pages are still blank as he thumbed through them. He felt his heart wriggle with a deep joy. Kyle was drawing again. Too many months it seemed Kyle would drink and stare off the balcony, into unfamiliar constellations forever.

Guy popped open the cover, starting from the beginning. He was immediately greeted with a pencil drawing of a poorly wrapped fruit basket. He’d put it together and set it out on the kitchen table with the new sketchbook and art supplies in an attempt to lure Kyle out of his blanket fort. The next page was sketches of John’s face in various expressions, most of them joyful and all from his right. Next was Hal’s face given the same treatment from the front. Then Guy’s own face from the left. They were all smiling, laughing, hands shaping the stories they had been telling. Kyle’s ability to draw from memory was unparalleled. 

There were sketches of Oan flowers that grew by nearby waterways. Superman, for no one’s enjoyment. A beagle. Hal holding a beagle, smiling indulgently. One in full color; Guy could make out the blonde hair and the shape of her face—Alex. Then the next one was just a refrigerator in high contrast, pouring out eerie light. Piano keys. A pitched battle scene, Lantern and Sinestro Crops symbols mixed throughout. Guy’s face with bedroom eyes. Hal in his flight suit, sticking his tongue out. A night scene where the only light came from a streetlamp over an empty park bench. Hal’s face, again, his salt-and-pepper hair rendered in loving detail. A young woman Guy had never seen before, wearing overalls and bleeding from a gunshot wound. 

The last image sprawled across two pages and the only word Guy could think to describe it was demon. It was the alien that nearly killed him. It was massive—top-heavy and bipedal like Arkillo. It had a serpentine neck and horse-like head with a maw that opened like an eel. Sinewy arms ended in talons with an opposable thumb. Two agile tails whipped behind it, each tipped in a scorpion-like barb. 

Alpha Lanterns had simply called them Hunters. They preyed along the Outer Limits. They were solitary, rarely in a pair. No one was sure yet where they came from but they lived up to their name with malicious intelligence. They had some kind of primal telepathy. Guy had perceived it as a push in his mind; just feelings, no images or words. 

Guy had been hunched down inside the outpost he and a few Lanterns had been sent to build. The Guardians wanted to set up a way station to increase the range and support of Lantern sweeps in those areas. To look for problems like the Hunters. He had been welding, he remembered. They were piecing together the ventilation system when he heard the first scream. Something that big, that heavy, shouldn’t have been able to move in perfect silence. Before he knew it he had been beaten down and stabbed twice. Poison burned a path though his veins. He had ordered the team to make a distress call and retreat. But Kyle refused to leave his side. He remembered the agony of being run through again, of hearing Kyle scream. Hearing Kyle sob and not being able to draw a breath to say it’ll be okay.

“You remember it?” Kyle asked, suddenly behind him. He was leaning on his elbows on the back of the couch.

Guy startled and caught the sketchbook before it fell, “Uh. Sorry. I shouldn’t be snooping like that. I was just excited, you know. You’re getting back to nor—comfortable again.”

“No,” Kyle sighed. “I’m not. But I really want to.” His shoulders scrunched up and he crossed his arms tightly. “Do we have to look at it?”

“Nah, course not.” Guy closed the sketchbook and set it on the end table without looking away from Kyle’s face. They looked at each other for a long time. Guy could see the emotions rolling through Kyle’s expressions as they both reached for something to say. “C’mere,” he offered instead, holding his hand out. 

Kyle took his hand and rounded the couch. He had a hair clip holding one of their shitty bath towels around his waist. He dropped himself into Guy’s lap with a heavy sigh and Guy wrapped him up in a tight hug.

“You warm enough?” Guy asked, laying a big, warm hand on Kyle’s thigh.

“Yeah.” Kyle nuzzled into Guy’s neck, his arms returning to their crossed position around himself. Guy could feel him shiver so he pulled the folded blanket down around them.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You gonna talk to someone?”

“Can’t I just talk to you?”

“Yeah, I mean, you can tell me anything. I’m just not really qualified to help with this.”

“Weren’t you a psychologist?”

“I was a counselor. It’s different.”

“You talked to people when they were at their worst. Didn’t it help?”

Guy sighed heavily. “I wasn’t wheedling the plot out of Hannibal, Kyle. When I worked in the prison, it was mostly a dumping ground for undesirables. I’d ask these guys what was going on and they’d tell me things like how I’m the first person who used their name or asked them what was wrong at all. I gave them respect and sometimes I gave them some hope to hold onto.” Guy looked away as the words sped up, realizing he was rambling. “Didn’t make me a real psychiatrist, though. I couldn’t treat the schizophrenia or whatever that got them tossed into the street. Even if I had the credentials all I’d be able to do is medicate them while they were locked up.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring all that up.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be what you need.” Guy tightened his hold and rubbed his thumb along Kyle’s back.

Kyle felt too warm and trapped under Guy’s big hands. He wanted to get up but feared the look in Guy’s eyes if he pulled away. So he sat and listened to Guy breathe. He tried not to think too hard about being pressed up against the hole in Guy’s side.

__

“Alright poozers, listen up. Today we’re working on your speed. You’re going to have to outrun and outthink one of the fastest Lanterns in the Corps.” Killowog addressed the five fresh Lanterns, all sans their Corps symbols and ready to change that today. Each one wore a construct belt around their midsection with two flags hanging from the sides. “Your goal is to remove one of Kyle’s flags before he takes both of yours.”

“That’s it?” One of the newbies asked.

“Oh? Did I mention—they’ll all be trying to kick your faces off the entire time.”

“They?”

“Show ‘em, Kyle.”

Kyle grinned as he held his hands out, crossing his first two fingers on both hands to make a plus sign, “Shadow Clone Jutsu!” Four more identical Kyles appeared, each one photorealistic and moving independently. His clones followed as he leapt into the air, tearing through the sky at breakneck speed. The rookies followed in his wake like a formation of geese. Weak constructs of lassos and nets floated passed as they missed. He laughed, elated at the feel of the wind in his hair and the sun on his face. The world below shrank as he climbed, leaving the weight on his mind far behind. 

As he tagged the rookies out one by one, he noticed the squid-like Lantern lurking behind buildings and rock formations. He could feel its gaze studying him as it kept its distance. When it was down to just the two of them, it shot a stream of bubble constructs passed Kyle. They floated by without touching him, but gave him an ominous feeling as they slowly closed in. They were shiny, and he could see his own reflection swaying on all their surfaces like funhouse mirrors. 

He’d lost sight of his clones. He shot an energy blast at one of the bubbles and it opened like a doughnut, letting the blast pass through before it snapped shut again. He released his clones and they dematerialized instantly. He formed a Gundam inspired mech around himself and shot a hail of missiles at the surrounding bubbles. They repeated the same trick—shifting, opening, and closing. 

He reached behind his back and drew an energy sword, thrusting forward and slashing side to side. Their texture was like slime, his weapon dragging through their cores like trying to cut through tar. His chest heaved and his muscles burned with the effort. The ring of bubbles pressed in closer, their shape throwing the light of Sto-Oa into his eyes, blinding him. He let himself fall through the swinging mech construct, sinking away from the bubbles. A tentacle whip-cracked at his ankle, barely missing as he changed direction and sped off. The Squid-Lantern’s arms spun and it shot forward in pursuit. 

Kyle dodged row after row of the creepy bubbles, glancing over his shoulder to track his opponent. He ran his palm over his belt, making sure both flags were still there. Squid-Lantern was missing one. This was anyone’s game. A ray of light shot over his shoulder. He rolled and dove to dodge it. When he faced forward again, he slammed into one of the bubbles, sinking chest deep into its sticky surface. Squid-Lantern landed gently on the surface, its tentacles bowing the bubble’s skin without breaking it. It gently removed both flags from Kyle’s belt. The short, crescent eyelids over its opalescent eyes widened. It lifted all of its tentacles into the air and swayed. 

“Hooray! Hooray! I have the winning!” Kyle’s ring translated. The bubble released him and he turned himself upright. 

“Wow! Nicely done,” Kyle offered his hand to the victor. Squid-Lantern’s swaying paused as it considered Kyle’s appendage. It stuck half of its tentacles out, mimicking Kyle’s motion. 

“Oh, uh, handshake?”

Squid-Lantern’s tentacles vibrated. Kyle flailed his arm and laughed. 

__

Kyle approached the battery, bathed in its ethereal glow. He’d reluctantly left the cackling pack of rookies behind at Warrior’s. Even their enthusiasm couldn’t drown out the incessant nagging of his ring reminding him that his charge was “Critically! Low!”. He raised his ring hand, making a fist and squaring his shoulders.

The words wouldn’t come.

He tried again. And still nothing. He was just tired. This had been the longest day out of the house in a long time. It was a good tired, his mother would say, from playing so hard. You’ll sleep well.

He lowered his arm. He knew the words—could hear them in his mind. There was no power, no conviction in his voice. Would it charge if he could only whisper? He raised his arm again. He felt stupid. He felt weak.

He nearly leapt out of his own skin when he felt a hand under his forearm, a body pressed against his back. Kyle leaned into the familiar scent of aftershave and whiskey.

“In brightest day,” Hal began, voice warm and unwavering. Kyle repeated the words, gaining strength as they finished the oath in tandem. 

Kyle’s ring recharged and he felt the surge of power through his whole body. He was still leaning into Hal. He turned his head to look at his friend, leaving their faces inches apart. 

“You okay, kid?” Hal asked and Kyle’s heart pounded. Hal had his mask off and dark eyes glittered in the battery’s light. At 5’10 they were the same height, but Hal was extremely wiry and compact. He was warm and so solid. Where in the fuck was this coming from? Hal lowered his arm to Kyle’s waist to support him.

“Yeah,” Kyle’s body quivered. “Thanks.” He spun around suddenly, shoving Hal aside. “I should go,” he pointed stiffly at the doorway. “Bye.”

“Dude?” Hal asked of the empty room.

__

Kyle landed on the balcony. He looked down at his still trembling hands. How was he gonna sneak this thing into the house without Guy asking too many questions. He willed his skintight uniform away, leaving him in jeans and hoodie. He adjusted himself and pulled the hoodie down. Why was it so hard to get it up for Guy like this?

The balcony door slid open about a foot and Guy’s freckled, smiling face emerged. Speak of the devil. “You’re home! How’d it go?” 

Kyle couldn’t help the smile that came across his face. God but he loved those big blue eyes. “Really good actually. I thought I’d be more tired but I recharged and uh,” he faltered, rubbing the back of his neck, “I feel pretty peppy now.”

“Good because I have a little surprise for you,” Guy’s expression melted into a naughty grin and he dramatically whipped the sliding door open. He stood in a cheap Halloween sexy-nurse costume, complete with a little red cross cap and white thigh-highs. “I thought you could use a little TLC after you had such a hard day.” 

Kyle’s brain flipped to the static channel as he zeroed in on the gap between Guy’s very short skirt and the top of the stockings. “Th-thighs,” he mumbled.

“Get in here,” Guy rumbled, grabbing Kyle’s shirt and dragging him inside. Kyle surged forward, roughly shoving Guy into the back of the couch, and pulled his big man down for a kiss. Guy spread his feet until they were even height making his skirt ride up obscenely over his erection. His plan to soothe Kyle’s stress and gently tuck him into bed was already gone out the window.  Kyle kissed him like he’d been gone for months. His hands roved up and down Guy’s thighs, fingers dipping into the tops of the stockings. 

“Turn around, lemme see you,” Kyle murmured as he pulled on Guy’s hips. Guy turned, leaning over the couch and raising his ass in the air obediently. He had nothing on underneath the costume. “Goddamn,” Kyle growled, digging his fingers into the backs of Guy’s thighs and spreading him open with the heels of his hands. Guy had shaved everything and his skin smelled fresh from the shower. Kyle rolled the pad of his thumb against Guy’s quivering hole, “You need me to get you ready?”

“P-please,” Guy whispered, his hands moving to cover his face as his hips pressed back into Kyle involuntarily. 

Kyle spread Guy open and leaned forward, licking a stripe from Guy’ balls to his tailbone. Guy clapped his ring hand over his mouth to keep the high-pitched sounds from escaping. His other arm braced his weight against the cushions as he lost his footing. 

“Oh fuck, oh fuck,” Guy wailed into his palm.

Kyle lapped and rolled his tongue, coaxing every imaginable sound out of his big, broad partner. He pinched and squeezed those thick thighs, only coming up when he had to breathe. He smiled and groaned against Guy’s entrance, thoroughly enjoying driving him wild. His attention had Guy literally on his toes. He glanced down at Guy’s pretty feet, perched on that sexy angle. Feet freaked Guy the fuck out so he didn’t dare mention his obsession. He just quietly scooted all of Guy’s normal shoes into the back of the closet. 

Guy’s hips rolled with an unconscious rhythm and Kyle leaned back with his tongue out and let him rub his ass into his face. Guy’s eyes were clenched shut and a deep blush had worked its way down the back of his neck. 

“Kyle,” Guy breathed, both hands clenching the cushions now, “Please.”

“Please, what?”

“I…um,” Guy looked over his shoulder, beet red, “Will you…?” He glanced at his ass and back up at Kyle.

Kyle leaned over Guy’s back putting his lips against Guy’s ear, “You are so hot, Guy. I can’t get enough.” Guy dropped his face into his hands again. Kyle ran his hands up and down Guy’s back, making the cheap fabric of the costume crinkle with static. “I want you so bad.” He rolled his hips against Guy’s ass and realized with horror that he’d lost his hard-on. 

Are you fucking kidding me? Now??

Kyle’s body tensed as he held in a frustrated sigh. He’d die before he made Guy feel like anything about this wasn’t perfectly hot and welcome. He sent a construct hand into the bedroom to grab the lube off of the nightstand. He coated his fingers and rubbed the tip of the middle one against Guy’s hole. “You ready?” Kyle asked as he pulled his clothes off, making a pile somewhere off to the side of the couch. 

“Yes, please,” came the muffled reply. 

Kyle pressed his finger slowly in, soaking up the desperate sighs escaping his partner. Guy was so good to him. He was gonna make his man come rivers no matter what his body would or wouldn’t do. He fucked Guy open slowly until he had three fingers buried in his tight heat. 

“Kyle please, please,” Guy moaned from behind his hands. 

Kyle took a deep breath to focus, making a construct around his limp dick. Like the rest of his creations, it was true to life. It even felt warm and twitched if he willed it. He lined himself up and pressed in gently. He had to keep pushing the costume up and out of the way to see what he was doing. “Take this off for me, love.”

Guy pushed himself up, gasping as the angle changed. He crossed his arms in front of himself, grabbing the bottom of the slinky costume dress. He chanced a heated look over his shoulder as he very slowly pulled it up and over his head. Kyle’s eyes flicked back and forth between the inches of sexy freckled skin slowly being revealed and the passion in those gorgeous eyes. His hands chased the hem of the dress, traveling over all the familiar constellations on Guy’s back. Guy’s freckles were concentrated on the tops of his shoulders like a permanent sunburn. They thinned out as they spread down his back, then gathered again at the dips in his hipbones, filling the spaces like a liquid—like someone had poured a galaxy over his body. Kyle’s hands brushed along the back of Guy’s neck, fingertips dragging in his hair. Guy leaned into the touch and groaned. Kyle wanted to lay kisses along the nape of Guy’s neck but he couldn’t reach. 

“Alright,” Kyle nudged Guy forward with a hand between his shoulder blades, “Get back down there, you’re too tall.” He felt Guy’s laugh under his hand and Guy leaned down until he was on his elbows. 

Guy groaned as he shifted, feeling Kyle still inside him, “Baby, please, I’m so horny.”

Kyle finally started to move, keeping his pace steady and not too rough. 

“God, yes,” Guy sighed, arching his back, “That’s perfect. Please, please don’t stop.” He covered his mouth again, embarrassed with how soft he sounded. 

Kyle focused on Guy’s voice, his own breathing picking up with the exertion. He wrapped his hands around Guy’s waist and felt for tells in his body—the tremors, the way he’d start to push back, the soft, high sighs when he finally took his hand away from his mouth again. 

“Kyle, I—I’m…Are you…?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m good.”

Guy reached back, grasping the back of the couch as he came with a long moan. Kyle feigned a little stutter in his hips, pulling out and pretending to finish himself with his hand. Watching to make sure Guy hadn’t looked up, he sucked his cheeks and quietly spit on Guy’s back. 

Kyle stepped back and wiped the sweat from his face. “Wow,” he said, the smile coming through in his voice, “That was hot.”

Guy was still panting, still leaned over the couch. 

“You alright?”

“Yeah,” Guy groaned, as he stood up. He rubbed hips where they’d been pressed into the couch, “Just a little sore. M’alright.”

Kyle held his hands out with a bright smile on his face, “Wanna go lay down?”

“Nah,” Guy said looking at Kyle’s hands, “I’m gonna go get a shower.”

“Oh,” Kyle watched Guy walk away. “Oh, okay. Are you coming to bed after?”

The bathroom door clicked shut.

Guy turned the water on full blast and sat on the toilet lid. He rested his chin on his folded hands with his elbows on his knees. 

Fuck.

I’m the problem.

[missing-muses]

Things to know about Reno:

(May contain subjects that can be triggering.All possible trigger will be marked with * and will be in smaller font.)

The real Reno is 163cm (5'4") in real life, however I changed her height to 152cm (5') to make her smaller to fit with being a fairy

Even though Reno loves coffee,she can’t have it too often because it makes her very VERY hyper.

If Reno eats something particularly tasty, she has a very obvious habit of happily wiggling.She never notices that she does it until someone points it out to her

Reno always has a can of icing in her cabinet because sometimes a girl just needs some a little tiny spoonful of icing

Reno has a speech habit of saying “oh” and “yeah” a lot when she speaks….not for any particular reason,it’s just a habit that she can’t break

Reno was in several different group/bands before she began her solo career.

*Reno has and will probably always suffer with mental health issues,she’s been through a lot and it has taken a toll on her mentally.

*Reno has been diagnosed with many things,but her most consistent diagnosis have been PTSD,clinical depression,severe GAD,panic disorder,OSDD.

There will always be one person in particular that will always have a piece of her heart,even if she were to enter another relationship.She just can’t bring herself to refill the hole that they left.

One of Reno’s biggest insecurities is not being able to properly express her feelings towards those she cares about.She is constantly worried that because she not good at directly saying,they’ll feel under appreciated or not as loved.

Renie is still very much apart of who Reno is,however she only makes her presence know to those she feels safe around.It’s just easier and safer for Reno as a whole that way.

After a difficult time Reno moved out of the city and into the mountains in the countryside.It has allowed her to begin to heal from her troubles.

Reno has always been an animal lover and she has 6 pets and often cares for the wildlife that show up in her yard.

After returning to work,Reno has decided to keep her apartment in the city for when work runs late.

After some time away,Reno has returned to her career in music.Something she has always been quite passionate about.

When Reno gets too high her wings naturally come out since she isn’t thinking about keeping them hidden.

Reno absolutely loves tattoos. She appreciates them on herself and on others, she instantly think someone becomes more attractive if they have tattoos.

Reno loves to share her music with others and see their reactions and hear their input. Music is a passion of hers and she loves to share it.

* Reno used to have unhealthy coping mechanisms,and tho she hasn’t become fully sober,she has cut out the more detrimental vices she used to have.

* Reno’s worst coping mechanisms included drug usage,as well as alcohol abuse,and one nightstands.

Reno is still quite submissive,but this time around it’s not because she looks down on herself anymore,no!Its because of the feeling of safety and comfort it provides her.The safety,comfort,and love that Reno still craves despite growing more comfortable in herself.

Reno is newly discovering who she is as an individual.She is moving past who she was and trying to become a better person.She has often referred to herself as “an unfinished puzzle”, meaning she is a work in progress.Reno hasn’t found all of her pieces,but she working hard to find them and finish the puzzle of herself.

Because Reno chooses to live freely amongst humans,she has to constantly keep her wings hidden and will only have them out when she alone,with someone she trusts,or other fae creatures.

Keeping her wings hidden so often can be quite painful for Reno so she tries not to stay out in public longer than necessary.

One thing about Reno that has remained the same,she’s afraid of the people she cares for being upset or angry at her.It’s a bit of a contradiction of the person she wants to be,but it’s something that she just can’t seem to grow out of.

[keefwho]

April 26 - 2023

8:17 AM

Okay straight up I hate how I’ve been feeling/acting lately. I’ll try to change my behavior today, whatever that means. Maybe I haven’t been very true to myself and that’s whats wrong. I’m not sure, all I know is I don’t feel very good. 

11:30 AM

Holy fuck I hate myself lol.

2:37 PM

Well here I am having another episode. One that will end over time but I know I’m gonna be in a dark place for a little bit. 

I feel alone and hopeless. For years I feel like my life has steadily been going downhill. Like I’ve desperately tried to hold onto everything I have but I lose things one by one until one day it’ll reach a breaking point and then it’s game over for me. People don’t care about me as much as I’d like, or at least I don’t always feel like they do. Probably because ultimately I’m a bad person to rely on no matter how hard I try. I feel destined to fail in everything I do. I struggle to find meaning in literally anything and the things I do find meaning in might just be coping mechanisms or otherwise unhealthy. I can’t even tell. All I can think to do is stick to my miserable schedule and wait for tiny moments of what I think is true happiness when I end up being able to gaslight myself into thinking I’m okay for a little bit. 

3:11 PM

Part of my horny problem is not even knowing what I want to do. I don’t just want to orgasm, I want something conceptually intense. Thats why I started leaning into watersports. I just love the humiliation aspect of it, no nutting is required to get my fix off of it. A lot of things have gotten old to me, like I’ve gotten much pickier when it comes to how scenes I like are portrayed. I wish I could get over this problem and have an easier time enjoying what I used to. My current plan has been trying to delegate horny behavior to more specific times. I think being a porn artist has led me to constantly seeking the sexuality in situations like it’s my job. I don’t want to constantly idea generate because it ends up getting in the way of wholesome times and burns me out on concepts. 

Another thing is how much more I used to enjoy doing things with other people. I erp’ed with a few people I wouldn’t have considered “close” and had fun, but that desire went away a long time ago. Partially because I always thought I was supposed to be giga horny and fucking around just to fit in. These days I like to save myself for more meaningful interactions which unfortunately results in less activity than I think I’d like. But there is no way around this. 

This’ll probably stop being such a big deal when I stop blueballing myself and finally do something. I think it’s been about a week of keeping myself pent up for basically no reason but at this point I’d wanna end it with something good so I’m still being patient until I’m in the right mood. 

8:26 PM

I am unlovable because I can’t even accept myself for who I am. I am alone because of myself. I will always be alone unless I can change. 

Honestly I wish I could have an existential giga crisis that either results in me offing myself or developing a miraculous life changing perspective. 

What have I ever done to deserve love anyways? Let down everyone I’ve ever known? Hence why I’m a friendless loser clinging onto to the few people that bare to put up with me. I don’t want to live knowing I will always end up with nobody. 

12:09 AM

Well obviously today was shit. Getting all my work done didn’t even feel good in the end, just pointless because who cares about when I draw my own OC? I didn’t really care too either so it feels like a total waste. 

I calmed down over the course of the evening but I’m still aware of my fundamental issues. Being inspired by what my friend is going through, I think I need a sort of change as well. I know how bad I am at hanging onto the past and how much it keeps me from moving forward. I more or less feel like I’m still meant to be living up to things that have long expired. For example, I still feel like I’m supposed to be a part of the TDS group and that I’m not allowed to move onto a different group. I feel like I used up my friend group slot and it cannot be replaced. I feel like that with friends I no longer talk to as well. I really need to move on from them. Yeah what we had was cool and maybe it would have been nice to salvage it but in most cases, things are far beyond that point. Ideally they’d turn into actual memories instead of current thoughts in my head. I’d have so much potential if I just didn’t consider them to still be relevant. 

Nothing is “used up.” There is so much potential in anything I choose to do if only I can see it. But that’s the hard part. 

[transwhorefinn]

I love albatrio so much. Even though they all have different traumas and backstories there’s a lot of overlap. They’re all so relatable and great characters with their own complexities. Their struggles are layered and dimensional.

Chip struggles with letting go of the past to focus on the people who are here with him in the present, wanting to be something else instead of himself, that faux insecure self-confidence to hide his insecurities that he will never be good enough as himself that in order to be Something he needs Arlin or Drey or the rest of the Blackrose Pirates. His unhealthy coping mechanisms, maybe his teasing of gill gives him some sort of superiority idk. In the beginning I was always like “haha bastard boy” but he’s been growing on me and I find him deeply relatable. His struggles with letting go is something almost everyone has to go through. Trying to find the balance between self confidence and narcissism. Trying to figure out who you are in the world, who you are in comparison to the people around you, trying to figure out if you will take the well worn dirt road or create your own legacy. Struggles almost every teenager can relate to.

Gillion struggles with similar things: his self worth, following this life that was laid out for him and do something for himself for once, I also do believe he has abandonment trauma. The choice between following authorities or taking the risk and do something different, dangerous, and something you might be shunned for. Living up to the expectations you were given and the ones you give yourself. Gillion’s expectations of himself are probably higher than any expectations the elders could’ve set for him. Everyone can relate to the struggle of balancing the things you want to do and the things you have to do, whether it be work vs leisure time or school vs childhood. His abandonment trauma is clear as day too. Putting up a tough act so his friends don’t see him as weak and leave him. I mean he was literally separated from his family. His reaction to Pretzel being gone. That comment he made in the BLOCK episode (“oh cool like when my parents dropped me off for training. You’ll come back though right?”). Not all of us have abandonment trauma but I’m sure everyone’s lost someone/something, had times where we needed someone but there was no one, or doubted our relationships sometimes.

Last but not least, Jay. She struggles with role confusion, again with the conform or do your own stuff, I’d say she comes off as the least insecure of the Riptide pirates. Her self-esteem never comes off as a way to make herself feel better than others or as an act she puts up to hide her flaws. Most, if not all her struggles come from her dad (no one is surprised). As someone with similar issues. Jay’s dilemma of her opinion about her dad feels so real and genuine unlike a lot of other portrayals ive seen. She doesn’t really hate her dad but realizes he isn’t the best either. She’s confused about their relationship and had a lot of difficulty deciding whether or not to cut him off, and I don’t believe Jay’s dad is intentionally being abusive (this is not me justifying anything he has done this is me explaining maybe the thought process) he likely grew up with this harsh mannerism of raising kids so it is just “normal” to him, he’s definitely scared to lose Jay as he lost Drey, emotionally he was not there for Jay but I highly doubt he even knows how to process his own mental/emotional issues. Too busy with his job to connect with his kids. Either way he still loves Jay (Just look at her wanted posters) to some degree. Jay probably knows this, but also knows his behavior wasn’t the best and can’t be excused. Letting go of family is hard and every little nice thing they do makes you question if you’re just overthinking and being insecure and every little bad thing they do makes you wonder where you’ll draw the line if you ever do. Cutting off toxic relationships (especially familial ones) is just like this. It’s not as simple as “this person is being bad i hate them and im leaving” because sometimes they’ll do something kind and it’ll make you doubt everything. Jay’s confusions and mixed feelings of her father, the difficulty of choosing to leave behind a toxic relationship, it’s all so real and very relatable as someone who struggles with similar issues. And ofc not everyone has daddy issues or whatever but I’m sure everyone’s been in a few relationships that just didn’t work out and you had to choose whether or not to let that person go.

Idk if anyone will read this long ass rant but have a nice day if you did, and remember that you aren’t alone. Peace.

[meili-sheep]

I hate how people will be like "diluc is so mean to kaeya🥺" but ignore all the comments kaeya makes 💀 don't even get me started on the people who are like "diluc victimize himself 🥺" when he's literally a whole ass victim like bro lost his dad on his birthday (and was the only one who survived) and then found out his brother was spy he has every right to be mad about what happened "B-b-but kaeya didn't choose to be a spy" I mean yeah but it wasn't like he was forced to tell him he was a spy right after his dad died. People seem to forget that both kaeya and diluc suffered that day not just kaeya (sorry for the rant I just hate hard-core kaeya stans)

Ok, so the thing I hate that's been popping up a lot. Is people crying about kaeya's line in his letter saying "thinking he deserved it" Here is the part they are talking about.

"I have never blamed Diluc for that. I suppose I must have been asking for it, telling him the truth the day my adoptive father died without expecting a conflict to emerge somehow."

Here is the thing. HE WAS STUPID not to think of what reliving this in THAT MOMENT WOULD DO. It was a selfish action that totally forgot that his brother had just lost his only biological family. That family he'd been desperately working to impress his whole life. And now he was suggesting to Diluc that he wasn't his family either. Kaeya did deserve repercussions for doing that. Because it was an awful thing to do to Diluc, especially if he went in thinking, "Oh, no way a fight is gonna happen."

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I do not like canon Kaeya, I do have sympathy for him and what he's going through. But that doesn't excuse how simply awful he is to Diluc. Like I will never forgive him for what he said to Diluc In Venti's story quest. That was absolutely uncalled for. And it leads me to think that Kaeya doesn't think too often about the things he's down. And it's probably an unhealthy avoidance coping mechanism he's developed. But still, Diluc seems to be more at peace now. And If Kaeya wants things to be better, he needs to actively start trying to change.

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Do you have any autistic Scout headcanons? :P

Hell yeah!

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. A lot of people might think that Scout has ADHD, but I think he either has both ADHD and autism or just autism.

This is both because labeling Scout as having just ADHD is kind of a low-hanging fruit, and I also want to explore his symptoms a little more. So, in a word, I do, and thank you for asking about them!

*****************

Scout’s Spectrum:

So, where exactly does Scout fall on the autism spectrum?

First of all, he probably has both ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed with the latter until much later. This means that some of his symptoms were taken into account, but not all.

The ones that were paid attention to ramped up out of control, and the ones he didn’t hear about were stuffed away.

His ADHD symptoms include impulsiveness, need for stimulation, hyperfixations, forgetfulness, and insomnia; his autism symptoms include trouble with social skills, stimming, near inability to remember names and faces, lack of eye contact, hyperfixations again, and sensory processing issues, especially with noise and touch.

He used to have a lot of meltdowns when he was younger, usually about wearing new clothes and the amount of noise his eight brothers generated.

However, he was teased and pushed into masking nearly all the time, and made his whole personality about his ADHD, since that was what everyone accepted.

As he got older, he usually wrote off any autistic tendencies as either his ADHD or just “little habits” of his.

During his middle school years, he used energy drinks to bounce back from being exhausted every day after school. This would work, except those energy drinks would upset his ADHD, and would make it much harder to focus on even basic conversation.

After a while, he got such bad grades and had such a hard time making friends that Scout just stopped going to school altogether.

Baseball helped his focus, and the quick movement and thinking made a lot of sense to him. He never had to wait very long for the next development, and the instant gratification and community it provided supplemented what he never got at school.

With sports on his side, he rarely ever drank any energy drinks (the coach would never let them on the field), and he drank bucketfuls of water during every meet and game. Those teenage years were probably the healthiest he ever was.

However, with the amount of rumbles he got into with his brothers, and the turf wars that constantly raged in those neighborhoods, it was only a matter of time before his crime caught up with him.

After his first incarceration, he was booted from the team, which led to a downward spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms - which included fighting someone tooth and nail whenever he could.

Even if he lost the fight, it not only catered to his impulsive nature and impatience, but also gave him roughly the same sense of friendship and camaraderie that baseball had.

One thing led to another, and by the time Mann Co. found him, Scout was a monster in hand to hand (and bat to bat) and had racked up quite the criminal record.

A perfect mercenary, ripe for the picking.

On The Team:

Scout very quickly adopted the “stupid, scrappy Boston boy” persona.

It was the only thing that made sense, and it kept him from having to try too hard in both the battlefield and socially.

Besides, that meant that he could be as silly, forgetful, and fidgety as he wanted, and no one would bat an eye.

And if he ever needed to take a break from the team, he figured everyone would appreciate the quiet.

The only thing that ever gave him away was him occasionally dissociating right when battle began, especially if the day had been stressful.

It was usually how he calmed down after a fight when he was young, but now he sometimes slid into that state when he was overwhelmed.

However, a yell from one of his teammates would usually snap him out of it.

Medic noticed this pretty early on, and wanted to look more into it, but Scout would keep making excuses not to get a mental examination.

He would blame it on zoning out, being tired, drinking too many Bonks - whatever it took for people to stop asking.

And, eventually, they did.

Even Medic stopped asking after a while - he couldn’t get a thing out of Scout.

This “try so little that when you do try it’s above average” charade worked for a long time. In fact, it went on for so long that Scout forgot how much he was actually capable of.

He began to internalize the stupidity, the exacerbation, the many comments on how dumb he was, everything.

The only time he ever gave his all was on the battlefield - moving fast, memorizing strategies, doing complicated footwork, knowing exactly how much force it took to crush someone’s skull with his bat.

That was one of the only things that he felt good doing, the only thing he could really work on without him being “found out.”

That and drawing, though he never showed the actual pieces to anyone. It was all stick figures and crooked lines with everyone else.

Sometimes, though, Scout wouldn’t be paying attention and he’d let something slip.

One time, Engineer was looking for his screwdriver, and couldn’t seem to find it anywhere.

Scout, not looking up from his comic, said, “Under the couch cushion, hard hat.”

Engineer bent down and reached into the couch, and his hand came back with his red and yellow striped screwdriver.

“Well I’ll be damned…”

At first Engineer thought Scout had just hid it, but Scout explained, still not paying attention:

“Last time we went out on th’ field, you had it on your belt, like always. But I was walkin’ by your workshop, you were usin’ a quarter to tighten a screw or somethin’. Your screwdriver had to be somewhere between the battlefield and your workshop. Engie, you’re like freakin’ clockwork. Every day, after a fight, you go to the kitchen, get a water, go to that couch, between the second and third cushion from the left, and sit there. Then ya go back to the fridge to get lunch and a beer, and ya go to your workshop until somebody needs you for somethin’. Your back loop in your tool belt is looser than all the others, ‘cause the screwdriver pulls against it when you sit down. The shank was probably in between the two cushions, and when you got up, it fell in. Demo, Pyro, and Heavy all sit on the second or third cushion at some point, so it got shimmied down. And since that’s the only time you sat down, ‘cause you woulda heard it if it dropped on the floor, and I…uh…”

“I’ll be damned,” Engie repeated, and felt the back tool belt loop. It was indeed loose.

Scout finally looked up, and realized what had happened.

“Uh, uh - l-lucky guess, huh Engie?”

Engineer squinted behind his goggles. “Yeah…real lucky…”

What ensued was Engie trying to get Scout to turn into a B.L.U Spy by chasing him around with his wrench. After a few good hits, though, Engineer saw that it was the teammate he knew and loved.

“But…how didja…?”

Scout threw his hand up, the other rubbing the back of his head where he’d been hit.

“I toldja Engie! Lucky guess! Jesus!”

Ever since then, Scout chose his words more carefully.

The Breakdown:

But, unfortunately, Scout could not pretend forever.

There was one week where Scout’s assignment count was so high that, if he wasn’t in a fight, he was on a mission.

Usually, Pauling wouldn’t trust him with so much, but no one else was available - or willing - to do the jobs.

Even when she was getting concerned about the amount of hours Scout was putting in, he blew it off.

“It’s no sweat, Miss Pauling! Their practically givin’ me the pay day. Those yahoos don’t know who they’re messin’ with.”

Over time, though, Scout had a harder and harder time staying focused and alert.

He’d sleep through alarms, stare off into space, zone out completely during briefing (not that he didn’t already do that), have a hard time hearing people in battle - even through his headset - ignore Spy’s taunts, and even forget to bring his bat onto the field.

Nothing seemed to help - Bonk!, warming up, stretching, cold showers, setting reminders, nothing.

And the team was starting to notice.

At first it was with the regular frustration - maybe Scout was just being lazy.

But as time went on, and his condition grew worse, their scorn turned into worry. They implored Medic to do something, but he had no way of getting through to Scout.

The doctor wasn’t above simply sedating him and dragging him into his lab for a check-up. However, he had a feeling that this was more than a physical issue.

The worst came when Scout was doing a routine battle with the B.L.U team on the field.

Everything had started out okay - he even remembered to bring his bad this time - but suddenly, everything was ear-splittingly loud.

He couldn’t focus on more than one sound at once, much less communicate the best course of action to his teammates.

He ended up hiding in a dilapidated shed, in a dusty, dark corner, somewhere between zoning out and panicking.

Scout’s head was in his knees, he was shaking, close to crying, when a sudden splitting of wood roused him.

A B.L.U Soldier had kicked his way into the shed, either having heard Scout or to hide from the other team.

Scout was stunned at first, but something of a blind terror filled him. He picked up his bat, screamed, and started pummeling the surprised Soldier.

At some point, he threw aside his bat and began to swing punch after punch, just like he did in his gang days when he had felt overwhelmed. Still screaming. Still crying.

By the time Scout had dissolved into a rocking, sobbing mess, the Soldier was long dead, with a gigantic pool of blood staining Scout’s shoes.

No one even knew where Scout was until a few hours later, when Spy heard a faint note of “Sexbomb” coming from Scout’s Walkman.

Scout had crawled into the shed’s framework, between the outer and inner wall, and was playing a specific verse over and over and over again, looking like he was on another plane of existence.

Spy immediately called for Medic, who had to lift Scout out by the underarms through a jagged hole in the side of the building. By then, the fight was over, so they could take him directly to the lab.

Medic’s Evaluation:

“I’m guessing zhis is your first mental breakdown?”

“Mental…doc, I ain’t crazy. Wait, you’re not goin’ to put me in a straight jacket, are ya?”

“If you’re not doing anyzhing later.”

Medic started to laugh, but quickly realized this might not be the time.

“No, Scout, everyvun has a mental breakdown at least vunce in their lives. It’s a…how do you say…a vake-up call of sorts. Vhen your body has no other options left.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“For zhe past few months, you health, both physical and mental, has been deteriorating. You eat less. You talk less. Your attacks are lackluster. You have bags under your eyes. You flinch vhen somevun yells for you. You stare off into space. Your routine, vhich usually has at least some changes, has become stringent, as if you can’t possibly expend any more energy into extra activities. You have avoided Demoman on zhe battlefield, even though you usually use him for cover.”

Medic flipped through his notes.

“I have pages and pages of your decline. However, as a scientist, I believe it is caused by zhe same source. And, though I usually respect my patient’s right to privacy vhen it comes to these sorts of matters, I believe you’ve been keeping something from me. Something that I should know as your general practitioner…your doctor.”

Scout shrugged, already shutting out the conversation.

Medic sighed.

“Maybe I tried to talk to you about zhis too soon. After all, you’ve just had a very sudden and exhausting episode. But…perhaps…”

Medic took a sheet of printer paper from his clipboard and a spare pen from his pocket.

“…zhere is an alternative.”

Scout was still unresponsive, but Medic continued.

“Zhere is a patient in my vaiting room vis a metal pole through the chest. It vill take me at least an hour to properly remove it, and a few minutes more to heal zhe area. Vhile I do zhat, vhy don’t you draw how you feel?”

Medic smiled.

“I know how much it grounds you.”

It wasn’t until Medic left that Scout actually picked up the pen, but he began drawing immediately.

For the first time in a while, he wasn’t trying to hide his strokes or scratch up the cleaner lines. No more stick figures. No more pretending.

Five minutes later, he was fully engrossed.

Medic started to walk in at one point, but, seeing how relaxed Scout was, decided to give him a few more minutes.

He deserved it.

[bratz-kitten]

questions i have for the signs

libra suns – do you learn a lot from observing other people’s behaviours? because libras do so well in group settings, and they value their emotional intelligence and ability for being likeable a lot. once, a libra sun man came up to me and just told me that he learned a lot of his behaviours from observing others and that’s how he learned better coping mechanisms/better ways of expressing himself and his emotions. at first, i found that absolutely preposterous because as someone who’s always focused so much on my own individuality and authenticity, the thought of taking aspects from other people just repulsed me, but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense – after all, there’s so much to learn from others and since observational skills are so important, why not use them to better ourselves?

also, to my libra suns once again – how the hell have you managed to build a reputation for being stable and peaceful? i swear every libra i’ve ever met was absolutely unstable – the type to throw their phones on the wall during arguments, to randomly go up to me and start psychoanalysing me, to immediately go confrontational mode no matter if they were in the middle of class, simply because they couldn’t leave shit unresolved. i’ve noticed your tendency for playing devil’s advocate in every situation in the name of “fairness” has you being VERY confrontational. it’s kinda refreshing not gonna lie.

now, ladies.. have we noticed how misogynistic cancer sun men can be or am i losing my mind? i swear to god i’ve never met ONE in my life who didn’t have extremely sexist opinions. even the ones who seem like great people and who get along with everybody – they still think that girls who sleep around casually have no self-respect and that sex workers are disgusting. also, hating on girls for doing the buss it challenge and for posting pictures where they’re showing skin and feeling themselves? saying they’re sluts? as if they’re not the same men who click on those videos? not only the misogynist part, but also extreme anger issues that come out at the most unexpected times. i believe it’s their traditionalist views and their hatred for their own femininity that has them projecting their insecurities onto other women. either way, cancer men terrify me. perhaps it’s that my father’s a cancer and he’s the blueprint of all terrible men in my life, or perhaps cancer men really are batshit crazy. either way, please change my mind lol there are probably some good ones out there but my experience has me believing otherwise

pisces mars – (18+) do you get pleasure from simply pleasuring your partner? i do this and i feel like it’s to a point where it’s toxic, every time i’m the one receiving i’ll be thinking about how i could be using this time to pleasure them instead, even if it feels really good. i don’t know what it is but the act of knowing i’m making someone feel good feels 1000 times better than everything else, it feels my soul and i think it’s a pisces mars thing. it’s crazy because it’s only in sexual matters, in day-to-day basis i’m very assertive but in bed i’m extremely submissive and just want to fulfil all of my partner’s needs. do you also have very intricate sexual fantasies that you’re constantly thinking about? also, are you masoquistic? i’ve seen other pisces mars talking about this, about how they get off on pain a lot and it makes me feel less alone. it might also relate to lilith in the 12th house because it indicates mixing pain with pleasure + escapism through fantasies + some very extreme fetishes like r*pe-play. let’s start this discussion lol

leo placements – how does it feel like being the baddest bitches alive? serious answers only. also stop making me fall in love with you it’s annoying

capricorn/scorpio suns, do you gravitate a lot towards one another? im a capricorn and i attract a lot of scorpio placements, and scorpios are the people who bring me the most intense personal transformations. it’s also definitely because i have scorpio in the 8th, but either way, i feel like these two signs attract each other like crazy because they’re the darkest signs. scorpio simbolizes death while capricorn simbolizes the devil, they’re both so difficult, complex and drawn to dark topics that i feel like it’s a match made in heaven – or hell. i’ve also observed that the most powerful power-couples in media are always relationships between capricorns and scorpios, too.

moon in the 10th house natives – do people baby you a lot? i feel like i’ll just be walking down the streets and my friends will be screaming at me to be careful like i’m a 5 year old, or offering to do things for me, or feeling an inherent need to supervise me as if i’ll get in deep shit if i’m left alone for more than 5 minutes LOL but i do think it’s something about this placement. moon in the 10th indicates being very emotional and getting easily overwhelmed, also a lot of charisma and being very sensitive when it comes to personal relationships. also the way we radiate authority makes others unconsciously be more obedient towards our needs, and we have a very strong need to protect others and create a family within our friend groups, which might be creating these dynamics.

leo suns/moons/risings – do you feel like having a low self-esteem quite literally contributes to the deterioration of your physical health? i think there’s such a stark difference between when you’re feeling insecure and in an unhealthy relationship vs when you leave the toxicity behind and work on your self-confidence, there’s an immediate glow up, like you’re literally glowing and it shows.

gemini suns – why do so many people hate you? even people who know nothing about astrology will say they hate geminis. genuine question because geminis are one of my favorite signs. i think it’s something about the way you easily adapt to other people’s personalities and mirror their energy, so you’ve built this reputation for being two-faced when you’re literally just.. socially intelligent.

air moons – how tf can you turn your emotions off? what do you mean using logic instead of feelings i will literally unalive myself

capricorn moons – how does it feel like having healthy coping mechanisms? oh wait, it’s not like you’d know LMFAOOOO

scorpio mars – are you as sexual as people portray you to be or do you feel a bit weird about the way people talk about you? because people always talk about scorpio mars as this sex machines, but like.. scorpio’s a water sign. very sensitive. i’ve noticed you guys literally avoid having sex with people because it’s like giving them a part of your soul, and you know you’ll get extremely attached to them afterwards. is sex a casual thing for you or can you only feel satisfied when there’s an emotional connection established? this goes for all water sign mars by the way.

scorpio risings – do you only listen to music that you feel has a deep meaning? my brother is a scorpio rising and he prides himself a lot on his music taste and how deep the music he listens to is. and as an aries rising im just like.. sir i listen to doja cat because hearing her sing about sex and fat tiddies makes me happy

[thedamageofherdays]

This week's [23-08-2021 - 29-08-2021] reading log is here! I read a lot again this week and I feel like it's a lovely variety of fics. Most fics are Stucky like usual, but there's at least one other ship. I am constantly amazed by the talent people have in this fandom! There was one fic I read on Tumblr that I can't seem to find unfortunately, but when I do I'll make sure to reblog and rec it 💕

Favourites are marked with a 🌻

When life gives you lemons by moonthejedi394 @moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 40k words, Mature] (12/15 chapters available)

Or 13 Terrible Things to Do With Lemons Other Than Making Lemonade

Steve Rogers is a home health nurse. He works for an agency, which assigned him to the aging Winifred Barnes, the one and only Silent Era Hollywood darling. As her needs increased, she requested the agency assign Steve to her full-time. She could pay for it, so she got it. Steve then moved in with her, becoming her caregiver; he cooked, he cleaned, he managed her medications, he made sure she was comfortable.

Winifred's children treated him less than ideally. He was the help, after all. And then Steve had the audacity to go and turn out to be eldest son James Barnes's soulmate. No one saw that coming.

The Masseur and the Assassin by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 17k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes needed a vacation from his job. What he found was a happy ending.

The Words Breathe by buckbarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

All Steve has to do is keep his promise. When he doesn’t, Bucky gets mouthy.

Soft by this_wayward_life @wayward-lives [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]

The last time he'd seen Bucky he'd looked unhealthy, with pallid skin and greasy, lanky hair. Now, Bucky shone; his hair was thick and silky, his skin a deep bronze from spending so much time outside. He was softer, too; the hard muscle that used to cover him was now replaced by soft fat, his body still strong, but in a more mundane way. His thighs were thicker, his ass plumper, and when he'd pulled Steve into the river Steve had noticed the pudge on his stomach.

Seeing Bucky so happy, well-fed and shining, was a bit of a kick in the face. For all the years they'd known each other, he'd never seen Bucky so... care-free. Now that Bucky was putting on weight, his middle soft and his body malleable, it sent a bolt of arousal through Steve every time he noticed the curves of Bucky's body.

Or: Bucky put on a bit of weight in Wakanda, and Steve is Not Coping.

🌻 Revive Another Side of Me by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Steve’s never lived in a world without Bucky, and he’s not living now. It takes them a while, much too long, to get that awaited rest, a little slice of peace after the dust has settled.Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are inseparable, history remembers. But they’re not men of the past quite yet.

🌻 imagine being loved by me by spacebuck @spacebuck [Stucky, 20k words, Explicit]

Just after 1am - a few hours after he posted today’s photo - he hears the tell-tale sound of a twitter message. Bucky grabs his phone, not checking who it’s from as he opens it because it’s probably one of his mutuals yelling at him as per usual. When he actually looks at his phone, though, it’s not Natasha

The ‘verified’ check stares back at him for a long moment before he can even bring himself to process the name on his screen. Steve Rogers is messaging him. Or, he reasons, a very good fake. The handle looks right though, not that Bucky knows. Not that Bucky has Captain’s America’s tweets set up as notifications, or that Bucky’s own display name is set to captain america’s bitch. Not at all.

Hey, the first message says. It’s Steve.

🌻 JB’s Complete Lube Services by dixons_mama @dixons-mama [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

People just didn’t approach Captain America and proposition him. Although, sometimes Steve wished they would; even the pinnacle of virtue and justice needed to get dicked down from time to time.

Or, the one where Steve has the hots for a mechanic and decides to be proactive in getting that dick.

If it had to be someone by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Bucky had known since he was a child that he didn’t have a choice in who he married, but he’d thought he had more time before the day arrived.

Miscalculations by christywantspizza @christywantspizza [Ransom Drysdale/Reader, 6k words, Explicit]

Ransom tries to get you to sleep with him by less than honorable means. You give him what he wants, just not how he wants it.

How to Seduce a Writer by obsessivereader [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

What's a determined master strategist going to do when the oblivious writer he's trying to woo keeps missing all the clues?

He doesn’t think it’s because he hadn’t signaled his own interest to Bucky. He’s pretty much done everything short of hitting Bucky over the head with semaphore flags by this point. There’s no way Bucky could’ve missed them. Unless… There’d been that one link he’d stumbled upon when he’d googled ‘how to talk to a writer’. It’d been written by a writer, who’d been candid about how oblivious writers could be, and how someone could go about seducing one. An idea starts to form. It’s ridiculous, but at this point, he’s willing to go with ridiculous, since subtle wasn’t getting him anywhere.

🌻 Pod Bless America by Deisderium @deisderium [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

Bucky can't believe his favorite podficcer recorded his newest fanfic AU of the show Commandos. He's even more surprised when the customer who busts him listening to fic while he's working in the office supply store turns out to be that podficcer.

* The guy—maybe bi_shield?—took his phone, looked down at the screen, and smiled. "Yeah, that one's mine," he said with no evidence of embarrassment. "It was a good one." He handed the phone back to Bucky.

"I wrote it," Bucky croaked.

take a bite by wearing_tearing [Stucky, 7k words, Mature]

"I’d never let anyone freeze to death.” Steve gives a big sigh and flutters his lashes. “All that blood gone to waste.”

Bucky’s lips turn down and his nose scrunches up a little. “I want to be grossed out, but…”

“But you get it.” Steve gives him a pointed look. “Vampires aren’t the only ones who can appreciate how juicy blood is.”

*

Or: Vampire Steve saves newly-turned werewolf Bucky from a snowstorm.

Leaving the Shield Behind by BuckyAboveEverything [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

“So, on one hand, we have Steve Rogers - hunk, genius, animal lover. Buys you waffles and overpriced coffee. 100% wholesome all-American boy.”

“And, on the other hand, we have Capsicle – twink, smart-ass, fanboy. Reads your stories and sends you fanart. Possibly a pervert or a serial killer.”

Bucky groaned.

“I am 100% certain I am 0% sure of what to do."

Bucky Barnes, full-time copywriter and free-time fanfic writer, struggles to choose between two equally-attractive suitors, only to find that he doesn’t have to after all.

* Based on a true story *

Cap's Book Corner by Neche [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

Recluse Author Bucky Barns stumbles into fanboy Steve Rogers bookstore one day...

Cat Nap by galwednesday @galwednesday [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Objectively, losing the Bucharest safehouse and its contents was the least of Bucky’s problems. The balding agent he’d seen directing the raid was apparently affiliated with SHIELD, which was a shadowy government agency that made representatives from other shadowy government agencies suddenly remember urgent appointments when Bucky tried to bribe, threaten, and otherwise shake them down for information on what the hell SHIELD might want with a former brainwashed assassin. Dodging SHIELD should be his number one priority.

Subjectively, he wanted his fucking cat back.

at any given moment by honeypuffed [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

Steve and Bucky find out that everyone thinks they're sleeping together.

Brought to Brightness by eyres [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

Army veteran Bucky Barnes has fallen in love with Steve, a guy he met online a few months after he returned from Afghanistan. Only problem is, he doesn't know Steve's last name or even what he looks like.

When his sister helps him send his story into MTV's Catfish, he's hoping they can help him meet Steve or, at least, let him move on with his life if Steve isn't real. Little does he know, Steve and Captain America have more in common than just a first name.

🌻 Nokken Wood by leveragehunters @leveragehunters [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

When Sam's friend needs a house-sitter for his place in the country, Steve jumps at the chance. Six months rent-free to do nothing but draw and paint and wander the countryside, looking for inspiration? It was like a dream. But when he gets lost in a storm and nearly falls into a pond he starts to rethink the whole like a dream aspect of life in the country. And when a red-eyed, sharp-clawed, silver-fanged creature rises out of the darkness, Steve is one hundred percent certain the dream's morphed into a nightmare.

...until it gives him a cup of tea.

(Inspired partly by this prompt a supernatural creature is supposed to scare you but instead it gives you a cup of tea and a blanket because you're having a bad day and you keep coming back and partly by this painting.)

Professional Pride by galwednesday [Stucky, 700 words, Teen]

Bucky is having a very good day, until he turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Captain America.

“Oh shit,” he blurts before he can stop himself, and Captain America blinks at him. “Hey, hi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” Here, at New York’s Pride parade, surrounded by thousands of happy screaming people wearing rainbows and sometimes not much else. What is he doing here? Is he on guard duty or something? Was he just on a mission and happened to be passing by on his way back?

He’s in uniform but with the cowl loose around his neck, so when he rubs the back of his head it fluffs up his matted hair. “I, uh. I saw one of your–temporary tattoos?” Captain fucking America says, like it’s a question.

The A-bridged Guide to Trolling by galwednesday [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

“I don’t have any money.”

Oh no, now the girl looked upset. Her eyes were huge and her lip was wobbling. Bucky tried to think fast despite the oh shit oh shit oh shit looping through his head.

“That’s okay,” Bucky said gently. “I don’t need money. We can figure out another kind of toll.”

The girl frowned at him. “Like what?”

Bucky scratched his head, trying to think of something a kid was certain to have on hand. “Do you know any jokes?”

(Fantasy AU in which Steve is a hedge witch with a green thumb, Bucky is a bridge troll who's new in town, and knock-knock jokes are a viable form of currency.)

It's a bittersweet ending (if you know what I mean) by relenafanel [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

“I’ll see you around, Steve,” Bucky answers with a smirk, moving away from the counter with a wink.

Steve watches him go. Bucky’s wearing a pair of skinny jeans coated in something to give the appearance of leather. It’s impossible to not watch him go.

stuck on you by wearing_tearing [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

“Bucky? You don’t look so hot.”

Bucky makes a tiny little sound in the back of his throat, only to start coughing. Of course he doesn’t look hot. He’s sick and he’s dying and Steve obviously isn’t attracted to him.

Decision-Making in Relationships (Paid Research Opportunity!) by castiowl [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Clint looked thoughtfully at the flyer. “I guess your actual roommate wouldn’t be down with it?”

Bucky frowned. “Have you met Steve Rogers?”

no way out but through by hollimichele [Stucky, 9k words, Teen]

Steve never sees it coming.

you got blood on your hands (and i know it's mine) by nighimpossible [Stucky, 3k words, Teen]

Bucky refuses to see Steve after his deprogramming.

Like What You See by daisymondays [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

For all the time Bucky’s spent fantasizing about meeting Captain America, he’d never imagined it would be while posing nude in front of a drawing class.

🌻 A Real Boy by itsnotbleak [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

It took the Winter Soldier three weeks to remember that human beings needed to sleep and eat.

It took Steve far too long to realise the Winter Soldier was sleeping in his bed.

Amapola by chaya [Stucky, 830 words, Teen]

Total fluff. Bucky's recovering nicely. Steve's oblivious. Sometimes it's best to set aside subtlety for action.

Knocking Boots With Sugar by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 4k words, Explicit]

In between summers at college, Steve Rogers wants a new adventure beyond his lonely life in Brooklyn. He ends up in West Texas working on a dude ranch where Bucky Barnes is a long-time employee. When Bucky offers to buy Steve a drink, they end up drunk on tequila and making out in public. For the rest of the summer, they're inseparable. As the summer draws to a close, Steve realizes he doesn't want to leave.

Rogers and Associate by roe87 @jro616 [Stucky, 7k words, Teen]

When they first meet, Bucky is a hooker and Steve is a cop. She's been arrested, but Steve lets her off.

Years pass and they maintain a casual friendship, seeing each other out on the streets most nights.

Though he later makes detective, Steve loses faith in the system and quits his job.

He wants to set up as a private investigator, and he asks Bucky if she'd be his assistant.

Just in time by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Bucky knew the apartment he was renting was old fashioned, but walking in the front door and finding himself transported back to 1938 was not on the list of things he had prepared himself for.

🌻 You Like What's in My Head by dontcallmebree [Stucky, 15k words, Explicit] (with art by @kocuria)

Bucky can’t decide if Steve’s a tough nut to crack or incredibly easy. The timbre of his voice, a low and almost amused, “Sure, kid,” when Bucky asks for a drink feels like something gripping him on the back of his neck.

He thinks this might be one of those moments in life he’ll pinpoint in the future and either curse at for dooming himself, or remember fondly with pride.

He’s right. Bucky Barnes blunders through falling in love with Commander Rogers and tries to find a deeper meaning behind the expensive gifts and thorough fucking.

Can I Sit Here? by BuckyFrickenBarnes [Stucky, 962 words, General]

Bucky has unusual methods for getting rid of his writer's block.

Or, Bucky needs that table.

Workplace Romance by BuckyFricken Barnes [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Bucky is under the impression that his boss hates him.

Or,

Steve needs to get better at dealing with his feelings.

🌻 1-800-MAYTAG by Miss Plum @misspluckyplum [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]

Bucky just wants to get some housework done. It gets out of hand fast. Silly little fluff and smut romp with snarky stucky boys.

Eyes of the Forest by Lordelannette [Stucky, 7k words, Explicit] (2/8 chapters available)

When Omega Bucky Barnes comes to Eagle Lake, it was in search of wolves, a creature that had not been seen in the area for decades.

What he finds instead is Steve Rogers, a handsome, though quiet Alpha who seems to be everywhere in the forest.

[miekasa]

college boyfriend levi headcanons: exam season

+ pairings: levi ackerman x (fem) reader

+ genres and warnings: college au, fluff, nothing too dramatic

+ notes: this is combination of about three or four requests i got around the similar theme of finals (are you guys okay.... pls drink water omg), so i hope you don’t mind that i combined them!

From the outside, Levi is very composed, even when he’s stressed out. Unless you really know him, it’d be hard to tell he’s going through something at all—whether it be personal or because of school.

Just because he’s good at hiding it, doesn’t mean it’s always healthy lol. It’s not always… unhealthy, either; but one of his coping mechanisms is definitely to keep to himself, in an attempt to try and gain control of all the chaos.

Luckily for Levi, you’ve gotten pretty good at telling whenever he’s hiding something. That, and there’s only so composed one human being can be during finals week lol.

He doesn’t mind being taken care of, but it’s not something he seeks out either. But if you try showing him support, he’ll accept whatever you have to offer.

If you can’t exactly help him with the content of his classes, he’ll still be grateful to know that you’d want to buy him snacks, or study with him, or nap with him, or even just text to check up on him. Little things like that mean a lot to him.

When it comes it you, however, he almost doesn’t ever verbally acknowledge that you’re having a hard time—he only shows it through his actions, and he’ll do whatever he can to make your life easier when things are stressful.

I’ve said it before, but I think that acts of service are probably the biggest component of Levi’s love languages. If you need anything, he’d be happy to get or do it for you, and will even go so far as to volunteer himself to take care of something before you can ask.

Food is a big thing. He’ll buy or prepare food for you while you’re studying, one: to make sure you don’t accidentally forget to eat, and two: to make sure that you’re not living off of take out for two weeks, no matter how tempting it may be.

If you have trouble focusing, he’ll honestly incentivize you like a kid lolol. He’ll tell you to study for an hour, and then you can take a break, or he’ll buy you something from Starbucks or something of that nature. Lowkey, he’s classically conditioning you, but whatever.

Pokes you with his pen if you try to distract him or coerce him into taking a break earlier than your scheduled break-time.

He can also twirl his pen really quickly and does it very absentmindedly when he’s watching a video or something. Lowkey kind of hot, don’t tell him that, though, he’s enough of a menace as it is. 

Plays footsies with you under the table while you’re both doing work. Don’t tell anyone else, tho.

If you’re the kind of person who really ups their coffee intake during exams season, he’s not outwardly going to stop you—not like he could, bye—but he will try his best to either moderate it, or at the very least supplement it with actual food and water in between.

Sometimes though, he simply has to pry the coffee out of your hands, and even though you want to kill him for it, you know he’s right.

“You cannot have three venti drinks with 4 shots of espresso in them in the same day. You shouldn’t even have had two. In fact, one was pushing it. No more.” “Fine, I’ll just drink have a grande instead.” “Over my dead body, hand it over.”

Don’t play with him, he’ll pour your $8 drink down the drain without a single regret.

If you favor energy drinks over coffee, then he’ll act the same way, except worse lolol. He’s not playing games with you, he simply will not let you consume a 5hr energy in front of him, and if he finds your stash, it’s over.

He’ll kind of bully you into taking care of yourself lolol. Either you do it, or he’ll do it for you.

He’s probably more prone to studying in the evening, but he doesn’t strike me as the all-nighter kind of guy, unless he’s completely forgotten about an assignment or exam and absolutely has to cram the day before.

Honestly, he just gets sick of doing schoolwork after a certain hour and would rather be asleep or doing anything else. Which works out for him; because he’s so consistent throughout the semester, his exams are a bit more bearable.

When he sees you staying up late more often, he doesn’t think anything much of it at first. It’s pretty commonplace among college students. He does get a little bit grouchy though, because it means he has less time to spend with you doing something other than staring at work all day.

If it really persists, that’s when he’s going to try and get you to give it up and take a night off, or at least take a nap with him. (Levi likes naps, and I think he really would nap like a kitten throughout whenever he can).

When you’re studying together, he usually finishes his work before you, and if you take too long, he wouldn’t mind making himself comfortable and taking a nap while he waits.

He takes really good notes, and probably writes them over several times when he’s studying, he’s really got it down to a science. That being said, if you’re really behind and you can barely look through your unintelligible notes, Levi would write them over for you.

Yeah, but in doing that he also steals your highlighters. Give them back Levi, if you want a pack of Mildliners, buy your own.

He waits for you after your late classes or study groups, especially in the winter or when it��s dark out. He doesn’t like to let you walk home alone—especially if it’s finals week, because he knows you’re barely running on 5 hours of sleep anyways.

He’ll let you teach him things as a way for you to practice/study and takes very good notes because he’s cute like that, even if he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

If your room gets messy in your haze of studying and wallowing, he’ll come over and clean it up, even if you don’t want to, or feel like you don’t have the strength to. He’ll just start picking things up. It helps more than he knows. 

When exams are all over, he takes you out to do whatever you want. Whether it be a nice meal, doing something fun like laser tag, or even just going to watch a movie together; it’s a nice little celebration after all the hard work. 

If he’s feeling the pressure, he stress-bakes. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s an overwhelming amount. His kitchen is practically overflowing with lemon tarts and he just starts handing them out to you and all his friends like he’s a merchant, because he’ll be damned if they spoil.

“You smell like sugar and flour… were you baking today?” “Yes… Psychology is hard and humans are stupid, now here’s a muffin.”

If you really just need a complete break from everything school related, he’ll take you on a long drive. You don’t have to go anywhere specific, but he’ll just drive you around, and you two can get food and talk and talk and talk until you’re barely thinking about school anymore.

Overall, he’s pretty nurturing and particularly gentle with you. He doesn’t like to see you not take care of yourself, so if he has to do it for you, so be it.