#and its been a huge part of my healing journey and stuff

[designedtoendure]

🌾💐🪵

[thedomesticanthropologist]

What would the bg3 companions do if Tav fixed a home-made meal and cleaned up their stuff for them, studio ghibli style?

I had to take quite a bit of time to think on this one because it would vary wildly depending on /when/ this happened. So, I am re-using my favorite scenario that was widely popularized over 20 years ago by the Gundam Wing fandom for fanfiction purposes, and we are going to say:

"The companions find a safe house where they must hole-up for several weeks before a major confrontation/continuing their journey. It provides a needed opportunity for respite and recovery, a moment to breathe in the eye of the storm." timeline: late Act 3

Tav prepares a home-made meal that takes them the entire day to make. Grilled fish fresh from the river, bread from scratch with herbs from the garden folded into it and butter spread across the top. Potatoes from the garden sliced, seasoned, roasted. Chicken caught and killed that very morning and boiled into a stew with pounds of fresh vegetables - and more. Yams, parsnips, salad greens, All they could find in the cellar, in the surrounding abandoned garden and small farmstead they had settled in. The type of meal that filled a table so thoroughly there was almost no place left to sit if one tried to have their meal at the table.

It had been so long since they had a home to care for, and this journey had given precious little time for such things as careful cleaning and cooking. The little cottage was full of delicious smells, a warm fire burned in the hearth and heated the entire space. The companions, who had all been out for the day on various missions, arrived back to find not only this, but more.

All of the clothes laundered, scented with lavender from the garden. All of their armor polished and scrubbed, weapons cleaned, packs tidied. Rooms swept of cobwebs, bedding replaced. Perhaps a little bit of magic had been used, for everything was dry as well as clean. How would they respond?

Gale: Warmth and joy. He breaks out into a huge smile and fills the room with compliments on everything youve done. A stickler for detail and known for his verbosity, he leaves out no single comment nor does he miss the chance to reflect on what each detail reminds him of - his mothers cooking, his home, the soul-brightening joy of fresh bedding pulled tightly over a clean mattress. He would do all of the clean up after dinner, showing his appreciation not only in words but affirming them with his actions as well.

Karlach: She gets choked up. Honestly. "you didnt have to" isnt on her mind at all, shes just incredibly grateful. You get the biggest bear hug and a shuddering voice of gratitude in your ear. It hasnt been just 'so long' since shes had this level of care- she never has. Nothing like this. She will remember this for the rest of her life, no matter how long or short that life may be. You gave her something that healed a part of her permanently.

Wyll: Flushed and flustered. HE would be heavy on the "you shouldnt have- I would have helped! had you only asked-" Embarassed almost, in the way that he responds, as if he feels bad that he hadnt been able to pre-empt this scenario and find a way of doing it for you first. He feels... guilty. Tries to hide it with gratitude. Is a little quieter than usual.

Lae'zel: Asks what you expect in exchange for services rendered. Makes a quip about you being suited for running an inn as much as you are for battle. Clears her plate, then another. Goes a little quiet for a moment. Then: "You didnt need to. A waste of your time to cater to us thusly. (long pause) .... thank you."

Shadowheart: Questions why, wonders if youve done it to soften the blow of some oncoming bad news. Spends most of her time teasing the other companions for their reactions but in a way where its clear that shes guiding them towards more grateful responses. She smiles at you warmly and softly across the table, eyes twinkling. Her gentle teasing of you is filled with subtle offers of repaying the kindness in ways that you will not be able to expect or predict later on so that she may surprise you in kind. Also, to ensure you cannot reject her because you dont know whats coming or when.

Halsin: Very clearly thanks you with direct eye contact. If your relationship is good, he holds both your hands in his and gives them a firm but caring squeeze. All of his feelings are in his eyes and his words are exceptionally heartfelt and to the point. He has no issues with being appreciative or straightforward, and this meant a lot to him. Offers to run your bath for you later, since Gale is doing the dishes. Probably offers to wash your hair. Comes on to you a bit, he cant help it. Heart eyes 1000%

Astarion: Awkward. Uncomfortable. Initially tries to play it off with pomp and flourish, goes to hint that you just wanted to rifle through everyones things while no one was home. Does, actually, double check all of his belongings. You cant fault him for being who he is. Questions you with a deep frown, but waits to do so until he has you cornered in the back of the hallway where he waited for you to come out of the privy. You reassure him, and hes huffy about it. It takes a lot for him to go from accusational to deflated. Laments he cant enjoy the meal you prepared, only to be presented with a live hog in the store room and a bottle of red wine. You didnt forget. He stares, stutters out his gratitude. Does not apologize for grilling you. Body language towards you for the next few days has a distinct affectionate companionability to it. Small genuine smiles half hidden behind wine glasses.

[mswyrr]

IMO, the Star Wars OT is a huge space opera, but at heart it's about Luke learning about his abusive/addict father and making peace with him and the things inside Luke that he shared with his father. it's about how he is tempted by the dark side too, about Anakin as his shadow he has to incorporate and make peace with.

The historical context in the US fits with this and helps explain (in part) why this story hit so hard with the public. It was a period of major generational conflict between Boomers and their parents, the WW2 gen, over the Vietnam War (which many ww2 veterans pushed their sons into). Within that, the OT was written by a Boomer about a touchy-feely kid who wanted to go express himself and chill instead of becoming a machine man, a weapon of war like his father, who serves the "Empire" (which Lucas has said was based on the US!! It was based on the US war machine). The WW2 gen/Boomer generational conflict is right there - as is the way that a LOT of the WW2 generation men had deep trauma they never dealt with besides self-medicating with alcohol* and numbing it as best they could. (and often also hitting their kids/wives).** That was something a lot of younger men like Lucas didn't want for themselves; they tried to embrace psychology, self-help, myths and mysticism, emotion.

A WW2 generation man as this numb, violent, terrifying being locked away in a suit? And the idea that maybe somewhere inside there is a heart that could love you? Powerful stuff for a generation of boys that largely grew up being (to one degree or another) knocked around by emotionally distant fathers.

The metaphor works beautifully and I think where Ahsoka's relationship with Anakin as a father/elder brother figure goes in Ahsoka ep 5 is aiming for a similar level of emotional nuance re: how love and abuse can be complex and how someone can "fall" to the darkness, but it's not a simple situation for you as someone who loves them. (Similarly, the handling of the late Jedi Order's abusive behavior in sending children into battle has been done with nuance as well). Because she does love him and she does feel that he is a part of her - so until she can make peace with that and what it means, she cannot be at peace with herself*** and her own right to live and be whole rather than afraid of herself.

I think the inner psychological journey stuff is a rich thing that comes out of a specific period and its dynamics and yet continues to be able to speak to powerful issues re: trauma, love, addiction, and abuse. There's other ways of interpreting it, and it's a story, so those are valid. But I do get frustrated when the metaphorical reading is dismissed out of hand or denigrated, when Lucas and Filoni both intentionally draw on Jungian psychology and mythology in ways that fit with it as a reading.

I'm still annoyed at the person on Twitter yesterday who told me I was being "harmful" toward survivors of abuse (I am myself a survivor of abuse) for liking Ahsoka Episode 5. Like.... my dear Twitter person, I am not telling you how to feel about abuse or art or telling you that your reactions make you a bad person, would you extend me the same grace? No? Okay.

*mental health care was shit at the time, like absolutely shit if you weren't rich. i cannot emphasize enough how absolutely shit it was. some states even put any mental hospitalizations you had on records viewable by potential employers so they could see it and discriminate against you. so it's complicated - partly the embrace of mental health comes from the Boomer gen and their backlash against their parents' "keep it all inside" school of thought and the damage it caused

**I did a dissertation on late 20th Century mental health care in the US

***not everybody is going to relate to this and that's okay! there is no one right way to heal! it's not a simple thing or an exact science; humans are too complex for that

[ghost-in-the-hall]

Posting Update!!

TW: mentions of weight loss (positive) and body dysmorphia, past trauma non-specific just mentioned, personal junk rant under the cut, above is general information about the posting update

Hello hello! I have finally returned for an update! Things have been crazy for me recently, so I apologize for the delay in the new chapters, but they are still being worked on! I don't have a definite posting date for anything yet, but I'm shooting to have something out by next week! If you would like to hear a little bit more about what's been going on in my life that's below! Just under the cut so no one is caught off guard by the TW's above, it's also a little long because I'm a rambler lol, but overall a lot of exciting stuff is happening on my end!

I go to see Powerwolf in 3 days, which as some, if not most, of you probably know if you've been around here for a while, is my favorite band of all time. That, paired with the fact that this is the first big event I'll be going to since I started my hot girl glow up last year has been making me a little insane lol.

August 19th, 2023, I saw Ghost live, which absolutely changed my life. I remember vividly I had just recently found out I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life, and as someone who's constantly had to deal with body dysmorphia for as long as I can remember, it really made my self esteem take a huge hit. I had this whole plan to dress up and be all hot and sexy for the concert, which I did, but all I could focus on was how much weight I had put on, it was super frustrating and if I hadn't gotten VIP passes I honestly might have gone home because I was just not feeling it. But, we went, I made it all the way up to the barrier. I had an amazing time flirting with Phantom and Sodo (I'm sure they weren't flirting back but I like to let my delusional little brain believe lol) and throughout the night my heart felt so full, it was amazing. There was one point Papa came out singing He Is (my personal favorite) and, again probably delusional but whatever, there was one point where he walked over to my side of the stage, and I was reaching out for him and our eyes met, he reached his hand back out to me and something in my head clicked... This man preaches about acceptance, treating others with kindness, would Papa treat me the same way I treated myself? The answer was absolutely the fuck not. So, from that point forward, I made a conscious decision to treat myself better, I wanted to become so hauntingly beautiful that I would be able to catch Papa's attention if I ever make it back to the barrier for one of their shows lol. That really started to ramp up when PW announced their US tour.

I bought these tickets in February, I fully stopped in the middle of whatever I was doing at the gym to go camp out in the locker room for the pre sale at like 9 in the morning, got the tickets for the front floor because my friends and I are once again trying to make it to the barrier, and went of my fucking God, Falk. In my mind, I had an end goal now.

From that point forward The Hot Girl Glow Up truly began. I'm down 40 lbs, I've put on a shit load of muscle from going to the gym a few times a week, I've recently picked up yoga and I LOVE IT! But, it went so much farther than just the weight loss. I've been a lot kinder to myself, I have a lot of things that happened to me in the past I still need to heal from, and that scared, hurt younger version of me is still trying to find a soft place to land in my mind so she can rest. And a big part of my journey so far is really getting to the root of why I'm holding all of these bad feelings towards myself, which has been its own web that needs to be carefully unwound. Because getting healthy and losing weight is great, but I don't want to get there by bullying myself. The body heals through compassion and stillness, we cannot heal a body we hate. That's something I picked up in yoga the other night, think I'm gunna keep that in my pocket for a bit.

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation for why it takes me so long to get updates out, but I'm not posting updates not because I don't want to, that's the farthest thing from the truth. To put it simply, I give a shit about myself now. I can't spend all day sitting in front of my computer, staring a blank screen, waiting for the ideas to come while I shove nothing but fast food in my face and don't take care of myself physically, mentally, or emotionally, that's where I was at before all of this. So, I do apologize for the lack of updates, I promise just because I've slowed down doesn't mean I'm stopping any time soon lol.

Hopefully after PW I'll be back to a more consistent schedule. Between all of my classes, and the gym, and work, and trying to sew the last part of my concert outfit and make jewelry, and do practice makeup, and hair trials, and meeting up with my friends to plan their outfits and makeup and so we can go shopping for all of this, I've just been very busy lol. But, the update is still coming, we just gotta get there!

[internetcowboi]

2, 18, 30 for the reader wrapped asks!

Hi this ended up being very long sorry!!!! 😂 thank you for the ask Kati 🥰

Longest work I've read this year:

I believe it'd be the Cartographer verse by profenity (which is technically two works but I read them one after the other) about Andrew and Neil's journey post-canon. Total fandom classic at 192,826 total.

For single works, I think it's Hoax by Gus_47 (aftg, jeremy/Jean post canon) at 137,349 words so far (although i have skipped certain flashback chapters that are too graphic for me with SA content, so I haven't read *all* of it),  followed by Sixteen Hours by Lazarusthefirst at 123218 words- another aftg post canon jerejean! I read both of these recently, I'm new to the pairing and these are the first long fics I've read about them and I looooove how much room there is with their characters to develop and interact.

How many works I've bookmarked this year:

Okay uh.... help... 537... LISTEN basically, I bookmark every work that I enjoyed, to have a record of what I've read and liked already. Then I'll make my faves into recs, which I have about 4 pages of. But anyway I read a lot this year hahaha

Biggest surprise for me as a reader this year:

Under the cut for discussion of sexual assault (both fictional and experienced, not graphic)

Building my resilience as a reader when it comes to triggering content, which is not something I would've done if not for reading aftg and its fanfic. SA is still a trigger for me as a survivor, no doubt, but reading fanworks focused around recovery from that (largely in relation to Andrew from aftg) has been something I've grown to be able to do safely, and find healing in that. My experiences were not even close to the severity or nature of what his character goes through in canon, but the narrative of healing resonates all the same. Some days are better than others for what my brain can handle, but where it couldn't handle anything before, it can now handle a lot more. It's upsetting to read about, but not actively triggering most of the time anymore. (This is implied/referenced, graphic stuff is still a no go for me). I think part of it is distance from the last time it happened to me, but a huge part of it is exposure at my own pace, on my own terms, to the topic, and ingesting content focused around healing and recovery from that kind of trauma. Also, it's fiction. So there's distance from reality in that sense, and I think that helps.

[cattatonically]

Conspiracy of Dragons - Louisa Masters (Here Be Dragons, book 4)

Synopsis

There’s only one person I trust…

It’s no secret that I’m hard to handle. People get annoyed by me. Sometimes they’re amused, but not for long. It’s not easy to deal with a paranoid conspiracy theorist, and I stretch everyone’s patience.

Everyone except Wil. He was there at the beginning, when I left my old life behind, and he’s stuck with me since. He’s been my friend when no one else wanted to. Patiently taught me how to fit in. He’s the one person I know I can rely on.

He’s the only man I can see myself ever being with. The only man I would want to spend eternity with.

But when my past rears its ugly head and the stuff of my nightmares rises from the dead, the hope of a happy future rapidly fades. I need him more than ever, but I can’t risk him. I can’t let anyone use him against me.

Torture doesn’t have to be physical to hurt. And I’m not going to let myself be hurt again.

My Thoughts

When we first met Steffen, I was completely put off. Understanding later that his trauma had affected his actions on such a broad scale, for such a prolonged length of time, I got it. And it was a wake-up call.

We all have shit in our histories that aren’t for others to judge and understand. But the difference between explanation and excuse is the work put into rational decision making and critical thinking. And Stef puts in the work to be rational and critical daily.

Wil also understands this about Stef absolutely. He respects Stef’s boundaries, and understands his paranoia. Wil knows what Stef needs, when he needs it. And Stef can tell what Wil needs when he needs it in return. They’ve built a very solid, very stable relationship for a long time. But the one thing Stef’s paranoia can’t be placated by is the stability of their relationship. Wil can be used against him. And he has to keep him safe.

As Stef’s past comes back to haunt him in a really shocking way, Stef, Wil, and all of their friends step up to the plate in a big way to provide support and care. More of Stef’s past is revealed, and it’s even more hugely apparently that his rampant paranoia – which he works tirelessly to manage – is a manifestation of him being in survival mode for as long as he was.

But in the end, Stef doesn’t let the PTSD win. He pushes forward, and continues to persevere. With the love of his life by his side. They work through it, and handle the situation, and grow stronger and more stable for it. And honestly, having that kind of love, care, and support is the best way for Stef to move forward, and continue his healing journey.

Reaching the conclusion of this series feels a little bittersweet. Part of me isn’t quite ready to let go of this universe (and apparently there’s another spin-off series!), but I also feel like the Dragons have told us their stories, and their happily ever afters are the exact happiness they all deserve.

[system-of-a-feather]

@maxseidel​ Just putting it here so I can respond with this blog and not my personal blog (plus I felt like I had a few things to say on my opinion XD), but I wouldn’t say I “hate the DID community” - actually looking up I specifically said “ kinda dislike the DID community “ and dislike DIDtube which I briefly explained above. I dunno, I really could go on for a while about it. I don’t HATE the DID Community, because I do think it serves a purpose and a role. 

For DIDtube I could probably go on more about it, but that would require me remembering my thoughts on DIDtube from like 2 years ago and thats too much work.

As for the DID community, I just find a lot of it exhausting, a bit repetitive, and just too much of a hot mess for me to deal with and honesty I don’t think this is only “after the massive fallout that DissociaDID had!!!!” because yeah, it made it more obviously bad, but I’m pretty sure that even before then it was pretty hot of a mess.

As for it being repetitive, every post I see on the tags just seems to be the same like 20 things on repeat for the past few years I’ve been hanging around the community and its just really dull. I don’t want to be rude to asks that are comint to me, but the amount of “is this a thing” “is that a thing” “do you think I am a system” and just really dang repetitive asks just aren’t interesting anymore after being around for like... 3 or 4 years I think.

As for exhausting and being a hot mess...

Miss information travels around too easily, a lot of people talking about a lot of things with a lot of certainty that they really shouldn’t have while also thinking they “aren’t of that group”, a lot of people asking the same questions, a lot of people getting caught up on things that don’t really matter or that you *really* can’t answer with how much we know currently, a lot of people trying to constantly change everything and constantly talking about it, but not actually doing anything actively in life, and honestly - I don’t mean this in a way of “oh I’m better than everyone else” because no, I am part of it - it is obviously a group of traumatized people and people who are prone to tumultuous relationships as a whole sitting around each other.

That’s great as a peer support thing and it helps a lot during certain stages of recovery and healing, but you just see so many of all the problematic relationship styles, behavioral issues, and habits (that are expected and understandable to have with a history of a lot of trauma) so open and in the public and it gets exhausting to be emotionally invested into at any level. I’ve seen a lot of posts in the different DID Community corners that just scream codependency, trauma bonding, black and white idolizing, straight up manipulation, people taking things personally that really shouldn’t, and so much just excessive drama / reactivity that is 1) completely understandable for a group of traumatized folk but also 2) just not really a conducive and helpful environment at a certain point.

Secondly, I don’t really resonate / relate with probably like 98% of systems I see on the internet at this point - maybe lower it to like 75% for ones that I know I do / did relate to, but they don’t really reflect / match the current place I am with our healing journey since probably 23% actually feel like we have the same view / experience / place on things. I actually would almost wager to say the only system I’ve seen online that I kinda would say seems to be on a similar page to me is Multiplicity and Me but I don’t actually know them and they dont post a lot which is why I would say maybe.

For me / us, we are just kind of really detatched from the concept of “systems” as an identity or as this important huge thing to our life and we just kinda are living our life and a lot of the “sudden changes” “highs and lows” and “exciting” stuff that make “being a system” a feeling of an identity for us is just kind of.... boring and normal? Honestly we kind of forget not everyone just lives like this and so we just go by our new parts that may or may not appear, integrations that may or may not appear, relationships we make, etc just really like... casually. And a lot of the DID community talks A LOT about parts and splitting, and alter introductions, and cool / scary / weird / updates going on between parts and thats fair and understandable, but we just like.... don’t really care that much about it because we don’t really relate anymore to it being a big deal other than a large groan.

The other thing is that like, while we aren’t��“planning final fusion” at this point, our system is VERY pro fusion in general and have good feelings towards parts that want to fuse, to fuse. We don’t really have that huge “oh no I would never want to fuse” feeling and all that fixation on how much we love each part really anymore. Like, everyone in the system is like a family to me and I couldn’t imagine any of them being “gone” but thats really not how integration / fusion works and I also know that it doesn’t do harm if done in a healthy manner.

And I think our general detatchment from the concept of parts, the attachment to staying seperate parts, the lack of a fear of fusion, and our overall positive regard to fusion has just kinda like.... really just ostracized us in general from the experience of others posted around - which is fine, because honestly, I don’t consider myself part of the DID community. I’m just some guy with a blog that talks about DID related stuff who has DID because honestly, even if I don’t care for the community, the topic is something I still enjoy exploring and discussing from time to time.

Additionally, there is all the weird stuff constantly going on - a lot of pet peeves that I’m not gonna list because they are things that annoy / bother me / get on my nerves / weird me out that AREN’T actually that bad / innately bad and my principle of “let people do what helps them” and all makes me really not intend to shame by stating my peeves on a public platform - but there are a lot of things that just doesn’t make sense to me.

Then there is ALL the weird shit about fictives / introjects and how objectified, blended with kin-culture, blended with fandom-culture, and just everything regarding THAT whole topic that is everywhere that I’m just tired of.

Then kinda going back to the first thing, our system is planning on going into research regarding something psychology related. We are currently in a research lab as a research assistant, then have the next like 7 or 8 years planned after graduation to end up going for a PhD and likely either studying specific disorders clinically (BFRB, OCD, and/or trauma disorders), memory, or animal behavior depending on how our interest develop over the next 3 years. Then on top of that, we specifically I am an annoying university student who really annoys all my professors for information and stuff and so like... research, how psychological research works, and the understanding of research is something that 1) really interests me 2) something I am spending / have spent a lot of time invested into 3) hold to a high regard and I’ve become really disillusioned with the scientific literacy of people and how much everyone handles stats, research data, and research as a whole.

I’m pretty sure I’m just in the pit of despair of scientific literacy / research and all, cause I don’t think I know shit either or how to handle things better so I’m putting a lot of effort to learning from people more experienced in the field with it - but a lot of online communities are bad at this and the DID community is really really bad at this - but I just constantly see so many people using it wrong, analyzing things wrong, generalizing very bad data horribly, and just displaying hte Dunning Kruger so hard that it just makes me groan really badly.

Then there is the WHOLE situation with our system in general not being really.... good at identifying or wanting to be part of anything / groups that is a whole complex trauma thing of its own, but in general people trying to represent us just is a general minor peeve / uncomfortable thing, so whenever someone says “DID community” it just gives us a bit of a repulsive “ugh you don’t represent me speak for yourself” feel, but thats kinda a minor things.

I probably left out a few things but I guess in short and in summary.

I’ve been around the community for like 3-4 years now and its gotten really repetivie, old, and uninteresting

Misinformation is just so stinking bad and everyone is talking out of their asses / entirely off of experience without making it clear that they are speaking entirely off of their experience and **DO NOT KNOW FOR A FACT IF THEY ARE SAYING THE TRUTH**

Everyone’s traumatized here and while it is expected, it shows in the form of a lot of problematic relationships publicly being shown, a lot of publicly bad interpersonal skills resulting in emotionally draining drama that is just too much sometimes, and just constant exposure to what is essentially a group of people kinda trauma bonding just doesn’t fit well with where I am in my healing.

I just don’t relate with almost all systems I’ve ever met here in how I live and experience DID plus we are pro-fusion and that just innately throws us in a weird place.

We are also detatched from the “intrigue” and emphasis of parts and everything regarding that

Pet peeves increasing in number over the past few years 

Fictive / Introject bullshit as a whole (I wouldn’t be shocked if I had 100+ blogs blocked for posting things either in this or in my pet peeves in the tags; not a personal thing, I just quickly block things that I go EH at)

Everyone’s lack of scientific literacy but also the simultaneous lack of awareness of their lack of scientific literacy + me being in Kruger’s pit of despair

Our system generally just dislikes / has trouble being part of communities as a whole and people trying to represent us.

Not expanded on, but really- Actually this is getting a whole closing paragraph (edit: *paragraphs) as it is probably my genuine number one reason.

Internet communities in general feel like a waste of time and energy for me. I’m sure there is an argument to be made for people who can only connect online, for people who need an escape, for the coordination of things and all, so I am specifically saying for myself since I do agree there is a time and place for it - but in my experience, internet communities don’t often put out half of the energy and effort they take in.

I started this blog originally wanting to be an advocate and discuss DID and help people, and I’m sure we have done that some, we actually have had people comment and send asks and explain the good this blog has made, which is why we keep it up partially - but I also do know that the amount of time, energy, and emotional / mental energy I put into this blog, had I redirected it to things in the real world, creating organizations locally, advocating and petitioning in my local mental health organizations, meeting up with people I can find who have trauma or are struggling, participating and preparing myself for hands on research that could greatly affect what we ACTUALLY know about psychology and all - I probably could have resulted in more progress to things that matter to me.

Online communities for me have a very severe case of diminishing returns. Me keeping a blog up, reblogging helpful things, informative things, and occasionally sharing updates in a genuine crude and natural way does almost the same amount of positive as me identifying with the community and involving myself and keeping on top of all the topics. 

In person, real world, real life things are opposite. A lot of change in the real in person world takes A LOT of investment, but the results tend to go up for a while before it really becomes “diminishing returns”. If I were to min-max what matters to me and actually making a difference, online communities are a distractor for me beyond minimal maintence and so to some personal level, I find the “DID Community” annoying because it is a red herring for my goals and what I want to achieve and do with the things that matter most.

I’m a busy person (cept not right now since I’m enjoying my two weeks with my fiance) and there is A LOT of things I want to do in life (as a whole) and being part of the DID Community - before literally ANYTHING ELSE - is a huge time sink and I found that a lot of the energy and time I put into it in the past was in large a pretty big net loss and I think to the core that is the fundamental main reason I dislike it.

I dunno, I really could go on for a while about it. I don’t HATE the DID Community, because I do think it serves a purpose and a role. I do respect those that like it / need it and it did help me in the past when I was figuring things out, but kinda like realizing your mom that genuinely did her best but still hurt you, I do have something of a distaste for large parts of it.

I do still hang around cause I respect the community as a group of survivors and do like to contribute a bit to those that are using this to get through a hard place and figure things out, and I do have a number of mutuals, plus I don’t think occasionally sharing things when I feel like it is much of an investment. The DID Community does do some good, but personally I just don’t reallllly get too much good from it at this point so I’m not the largest fan.

-Riku (Host)

[the-melting-world]

picrew

Seeing as how long I have been a HUGE fan of the airbender series (ATLA), it's actually kind of ridiculous that I never got into the fandom. Anyway, humor me while I go through each of my ocs and babble about their roles, histories, and bending styles in the ATLA universe! Also please excuse the fact that they had zero afro-textured options for hair in this one lol.

*Check under the cut for an unnecessary amount of lore.*

Kipling ~ Waterbender | Northern-style waterbending, vine/plant-bending, healing

Water Tribe Babeyyyyy

I don't really see Kip hailing from the Southern or Northern Water Tribes, but rather from a coastal village that developed after a handful of Southern Water Tribe hostages escaped one of the prisoner of war strongholds in the Earth Kingdom. I mean, if Hama (The Puppetmaster) and the plant benders from Foggy Swamp were any indication, there were water benders scattered all over the Earth Kingdom during Lord Ozai's military campaign.

Bending-wise, Kip has always been an average waterbender, whose bending is strongest when she's manipulating the water in plants and vines. When she comes of age, she is determined to advance her skills and find a way to serve her tribe more directly. So she travels to the Northern Water Tribe to seek an apprenticeship. There Kip advances her skills in traditional water bending forms (because up until then, her methods have been rather unorthodox) as well as her affinity for healing.

While Kip is up north, she does get close to Princess Yue in their healing classes. For a long time, Kip develops what she believes is a stupid crush, but eventually discovers the Princess has mutual feelings. Step aside, Sokka, you ain't the only one. Kip and Yue explore their relationship, but only briefly until the guilt and paranoia of getting caught and tarnishing Yue's reputation catches up to them. Kip ends up leaving in the dead of night leaving nothing but - you guessed it - a poem for Yue to find.

Kip happens to be one of the travelers Team Avatar meets while they're on the road. It's quite some time after the invasion of the Northern Water Tribe. This is after Yue has passed on, but before the group reaches Ba Sing Se. Both being kind of self-taught waterbenders, Kip and Katara bond very easily. Kip has a hard time being around Sokka since it's the first time she's felt something for someone since Yue. Still, despite Kip's efforts to ignore Sokka, they end up bonding over a lot of stuff, both stupid and serious. I'm not going to go into details about what went down when they inevitably learned of each other's past relationships with Yue, but yes, there were lots of emotions. A lot of Kip trying to run away and shake herself of Sokka. A lot of Sokka battling between pursuing her or leaving her alone. It's a mess. And no I still don't know how it turns out. Haven't planned it out that far.

After Ozai is defeated, Kip makes her living as a traveling waterbending instructor with her good Earth Kingdom friend, Khleo. She travels the territories, finding hidden water tribes and informing them of the fall of Ozai. She works with Khleo and the community members to open smalls schools, closely modeled after the earthbending schools in Omashu.

***

Khleo ~ Earthbender | earthbending, sandbending, lavabending

Khleo had a rocky start to their journey. Sorry, I couldn't help it.

They were born in an area that bordered on the Si Wong Desert and the mountain chain dividing the land from Chameleon Bay (where they later meet Kipling.) Naturally, Khleo picks up a little bit from each of the known forms of earth manipulation. Although they develop into a fully realized master by the time they reach adulthood, they don't ever try their hand at meltalbending when it starts to gain popularity after the fall of Ozai.

Khleo grew up poor and had to resort to unsavory business ventures with the local sandbenders in order to keep food on the table. But since they were the sole bender that could calm down the nearby volcanoes whenever they acted up, they were always regarded as a hero within the community.

Eventually, the Fire Nation finds a way to complicate Khleo's existence and they have to flee their home. First, they cross the mountain range to Chameleon Bay, where they meet the waterbender Kipling, who they easily bond with. Khleo and Kip travel together for some time until they run into Jet and his crew. Jet's lifestyle appeals to Khleo, who was tired of roughing it. But Kip takes one look at Jet and knows that he's bad news. She and Khleo part ways.

Like most of the kids in Jet's crew, Khleo blinded themself to his activities in order to survive and stay connected to a family group. But when his actions become too hard for them to go along with, they abandon the Freedom Fighters and go to go look for work elsewhere.

Khleo had set their sights on Omashu, where they believed they could earn an honest living and still practice their bending without the eyes of the Fire Nation bearing down on them. The journey was tough and Khleo had a few brushes with death, but they made it to Omashu. There they were immediately hired by a cabbage vendor who struggled in the past with keeping his wares in one piece. Khleo guarded his cabbage stand for all but a week before they were noticed by some Omashu academy trainers. They offered Khleo a job as an instructor in multiple earthbending forms. Surprised, but very willing, Khleo accepted. Eventually, Khleo was inducted into the Order of the White Lotus.

Years later, Khleo reunites with a very emotionally scarred Kipling. She stays with them until the capture of King Bumi, after which they quickly leave the city so that they can carry out the will of the White Lotus in hopes to undermine the Fire Nation's plan to conquer the Earth Kingdom on the day of Sozin's Comet 2.0.

***

Ozy ~ The Avatar Firebender/Airbender hybrid | firebending, airbending

Ozy's kind of special. He has an affinity for two elements.

He was born in the Fire Nation in a very, very small village on the coast of Crescent Island. When Ozy's parents noticed that their child was something of a prodigy, they brought him straight to the Fire Sages.

Now, there was a split among the sages. Some were loyal to Lord Ozai while others were secretly members of the Order of the White Lotus. One of the members recognized Ozy's affinity for airbending very early on and did everything they could to protect him.

Without being able to say goodbye to his parents or getting an explanation for what was happening, Ozy was sent to the Western Air Temple (you know, the cool upsidedown one) where he learned airbending with the help of older White Lotus members as well as spiritual experts like Guru Pathik (the same guru who taught Aang how to navigate the Avatar State.)

As Ozy became more and more enlightened, he came to believe that his gift was not a rare one. When he was not actively practicing the rudimentary components of bending, he was meditating on the factors that led the majority of people to believe that the ability to bend was inherited based on the ethnic and cultural group into which they were born. He thought that while this was true to some degree, additional affinities could be unlocked through the forgotten teachings of the Air Nomads.

To test his theory, Ozy went on a very dangerous journey to the Library in the Si Wong Desert, where he met and became very bonded to Uncle Iroh. Thankfully, Iroh and Ozy managed to not get eaten by the Library's spiritual patron. Later, Ozy declined Iroh's invitation to the Order of the White Lotus, instead choosing to retire to the Northern Air Temple. Thre he ended up assisting the mechanists with the construction of the flight technology (part of which had already been stolen and weaponized by the Fire Nation.) Ozy never left the Northern Air Temple to help in the fight against Ozai. Instead, he remained and became the first of the Air Acolytes, from which grows a community that later founded Air Temple Island and discovered the next child born into the Avatar Cycle - Korra of the Water Tribe.

***

Sun Bai ~ Airbender | proficient in airbending. Technically.

Bai, unfortunately, did not discover that he was an airbender until he was well into his twenties. The only way he unlocked his affinity for bending was through a traumatic event, the effects of which he managed to suppress for several years. It wasn't until Bai found himself in another flight or fight situation that he spontaneously called upon his connection to the air element. (Turns out Ozy was kind of right!)

Once Bai realized what he was made of, he made it a point to gather as much knowledge on the subject as he could. Everything that he came to understand about bending was self-taught. Meditation came more naturally to him, but even that required additional training, discipline, and theory to fully master. (He was basically the opposite of Avatar Korra, who picked up on the manual technique of airbending quite easily, but struggled with its spiritual component.)

Bai didn't really play a role in the fight against Lord Ozai. He didn't run into any of the Trio or Team Avatar. His journey didn't really start until after the war. At which point he meets General Adrenaline, and then later, Sascha of the Water Tribe.

General Rosario Adrenaline ~ Firebender | firebending, master in lightning redirection

Like Ozy, Adrenaline was another firebending prodigy. (In fact, it was Adrenaline who worked very closely with Princess Azula to hone her lightning redirection technique.) Eventually, Nali's skills were exploited to the fullest in the Fire Nation's military campaign, but long before that, firebending for her was a means to perform and entertain the masses.

Adrenaline grew up in the same circus troupe as Ty Lee! They had been best friends since childhood and ended up escaping together.

While Princess Azula always favored Ty Lee and Mei over Nali as bodyguards, she often went to Nali for "companionship." Azula kept her relationship with Nali very private. It lasted well into Azula's teenage years and got pretty serious. Though neither of them considered themselves in love with the other (just due to the fact that there was so much of a strain on them thanks to social hierarchy, and Azula being Azula) Nali developed a very deep, unhealthy loyalty to Azula, that in the end, resulted in her banishment from protecting the royal family.

After she was banished, Nali linked up with Zuko, who wasn't really all that happy about it, but Iroh steps in and gives the wise compassionate uncle lecture. Zuko folds and Nali becomes one his crew!

Nali and Azula continue to pursue their relationship. And now that it started to hinge on whenever Azula came around to fuck with Zuko's head, you can imagine how even more unhealthy and eventually toxic it became. Nali was torn between her loyalty to Azula versus her loyalty to Zuko. And Azula... didn't really care. It was a mess. Didn't end pretty.

Only after Azula was imprisoned by her brother did Nali finally wipe her hands completely clean of the Fire Nation's royal family. Not really caring what was happening in the rest of the world, she stumbled around from territory to territory, drinking, gambling, and taking up muscle for hire gigs to keep herself afloat. Until she meets and unexpectedly bonds with a very lazy monk, who needed an escort through the Serpent's Pass.

***

Sascha ~ Nonbender | weapons specialist - firearms and projectiles

Solo ~ Waterbender | Southern-style waterbending, bloodbending

Sascha and Solo were both students of Hama. Nuff said.

Although the twins soaked up much of Hama's ruthless, yet practical attitude towards survival, they just didn't inherit her very deep, eternal loathing for the Fire Nation.

They also realized that she was pretty messed up.

When Sascha and Solo were of age, they made a clean break from Hama and decided to open up a business in one of the towns along the mountainside.

Having grown up in the Fire Nation colonies, Sascha and Solo were very used to hiding their connection to their Water Tribe heritage. They blended in well and opened their garment and optics shop. It was a strange combination, but they managed to stake their claim in the community.

However, the two of them were still very clear enemies of the Fire Nation. They rebelled by getting the information out to other Water Tribe refugees living in hiding. Solo taught bloodbending in his self defense classes (which was much easier for him to pull off rather than traditional waterbending because it required less physical labor and thus did not put as much of a strain on his body.)

Meanwhile, Sascha would show Water Tribe nonbenders how to assemble firearms, which at the time, were considered still very new and dangerous technology.

Solo was happy with their life, but Sascha grew bored and restless. She wanted an adventure.

Then one day a very strange monk winds up wounded on her doorstep in the middle of the night. He's riddled with bullets - the kind of which only Fire Nation militia and Sascha herself would know how to remove and treat the damage they could cause...

***

And a treat for those that made it this far! 😜

Me!!! A water-airbender hybrid. And you're damn right I would have some hair loopies!

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

So, this may sound weird, since I don't ship ZK, but I think the reason some dislike EIP is because they realize it was the first part of a busted enemies-to-lovers arc. EIP was part one, where Zuko and Katara see how others see them, and it weirds them out. Yet, Zuko insisted on sitting next to Katara and Katara pushes Aang away, suggesting there might be something there that they don't want to acknowledge. (1/3)

The first part of the finale was Part 2, where June reiterates the "Hey you're with your gf again!" Zuko and Katara deny it, but there likely should have been an undercurrent of 'Why do people think we're together? Do we act like it? Should we be? S/he is kind of cute.' During this time, Zuko defers to Katara and despite Toph likely being more helpful, asks Katara to be the one to take down Azula with him. (2/3)

Last part of the finale should have been the money shot, Zuko taking lightning for Katara, and in a parallel to CoD, Katara healing him. Dante Basco is right in that there probably should have been a kiss at that moment and the end scene of the gang at the Jasmine Dragon with Zuko and Katara shyly proclaiming their interest in each other. (3/4, sorry I have one more)

Again, ZK is not my ship, but EIP seemed to set up a ZK endgame that jumped the tracks at the end. By all the "rules" of a good narrative, Zuko and Katara should have ended up together, otherwise EIP should never have been countenanced or storyboarded. Full disclosure that I'm not a huge Kataang fan either, but Kataang was done a disservice by having EIP exist. It either should not have ever gotten written, or the ZK enemies-to-lovers arc should have been concluded. (end)

Disclaimer: I don’t care if someone ships Zvtara. Never have, never will. If the takeaway you (the general you, not anon specifically lol) get from this post is that Zvtara is “bad,” then I’m going to assume you didn’t actually read anything I wrote, because that is the farthest thing from my point here. Also, this post is strictly my personal response to these asks. I don’t expect everyone to read this and be like “YEAH” lmao. I am sure some people have different opinions, and that is a-okay!

In short, I think we will have to agree to disagree, anon.

Do some people consider EIP the beginning of a busted enemies-to-lovers arc? Of course they do, they’re “rabid zkers” who wear Zvtara shipping goggles 24/7 lmao. EIP couldn’t have been the beginning of an E-L arc because such an arc was never in the cards for them in the first place! Katara forgave Zuko in the previous episode. Trying to cram a romantic relationship into five episodes after months of hatred between Zuko and Katara would have been awful writing (and thus probably would have been a decision mercilessly criticized until the end of time, lmao). So it’s honestly better that Zvtara gets to spread its wings in fanon instead (much less pressure)! Also, realistically speaking, Katara and Zuko probably still had so many issues to work through in their friendship. Like yes, she forgave him and recognized he was trying to do better, but that doesn’t erase what Zuko has done to her and her friends. There is still plenty of forward progress they need to make before romance can even be considered between them. If that makes sense?

Also, let’s be real: EIP and bit with June afterwards were 100% ship bait. Just an attempt to add to the “drama” of who Katara would end up. A technique only effective while it was airing, for the record, because if you watch the show straight through, it becomes glaringly obvious that Zuko and Katara’s relationship - while gorgeous - was always meant to stay strictly platonic within the canon timeline.

Anyways. I’ll try to break down your ask one piece at a time!

“Zuko and Katara see how others see them, and it weirds them out”

Yes, they are definitely weirded out! The transcript says, “Zuko and Katara inch away from each other, slightly uncomfortable.” Which is just a longer way of describing that they were weirded out by the depiction of their relationship in EIP, lol. However, the play is not how others see them. The play is the Fire Nation’s imperialist propaganda, meant to demean the entire Gaang. I talk about in specifics how the entire Gaang is belittled here, but this is the key stuff I noted about Zuko and Katara:

it’s important to situate that and more importantly situate eip zuko and katara’s relationship within the context of the show. the fire nation is an imperialist country. the southern water tribe has suffered heavily beneath them. we know from “the headband” that fire nation individuals are fed pro-imperialistic propaganda from birth; that combined with zuko and azula’s degrading comment of “peasant” towards katara demonstrate very clearly how the fire nation views every other nation - put simply, they are superior and everyone else is inferior. that attitude is therefore reflected in the eip play:

- katara, an indigenous woman, is highly sexualized and portrayed as overly dramatic and tearful, because the fire nation objectifies women not of their own people and views them as less intelligent and less emotionally stable

- she is thus paired as having a “romance” with zuko in eip because naturally, via fire nation logic, zuko would be able to “score” an “easy” woman of one of the water tribes

- furthermore, the eip “romance” between zuko and katara emphasizes zuko’s position as a traitor to the fire nation; the implication is that as a traitor, he’d only be able to achieve a relationship with a “lesser” woman, e.g. a woman not of the fire nation

That is not how other people truly view Zuko and Katara’s relationship. That is how the Fire Nation depicts their relationship in order to degrade and dehumanize Zuko and Katara. To misinterpret that as “evidence” that Zuko and Katara should have been together romantically is… disturbing, in my opinion. (I really try to stay far away from zkers who use EIP as “proof” of supposed Zvtara interest in each other like honey that is imperialist propaganda please don’t 😭).

If you want to talk about how other people actually view Zuko and Katara’s relationship, look at the Gaang, who were around them most of all! They never tease the possibility of romance between their friends. Why? Because within canon, there wasn’t one. Simple!

“Zuko insisted on sitting next to Katara”

Nope! This is all the transcript says: “Zuko [Removing his hood.] Just sit next to me. What’s the big deal?” He doesn’t even mention Katara! Zuko is literally just like I’m already sitting. Why do I need to move? lmfao. It’s no thoughts head empty for our favorite firebender 😂

“Katara pushes Aang away”

I’m assuming this about the kiss, which I’m going to make a post about in the future because I am TIRED of the tomfoolery. Anyways, I’ll keep this brief - yes, she does push him away. She does not deny that she likes him. For Katara, the issue is the timing: “This isn’t the right time.” Both Katara and Aang know they like each other, plain and simple (which is why Aang doesn’t ask if he returns her feelings - he asks if they’d be together, because he knows their feelings are mutual). Katara pushes Aang away because, as she says, they’re in the middle of a war. She’s already seen Aang die once. He might die again. She doesn’t want that, of course, but it’s a reality Katara is forced to consider.

Anyways, her decision has nothing to do with Zuko. Lol.

“June reiterates the ‘Hey you’re with your gf again!’ Zuko and Katara deny it, but there likely should have been an undercurrent of ‘Why do people think we're together? Do we act like it? Should we be? S/he is kind of cute.’”

June’s assumption - especially because it is a repeat of a gag from earlier in the series, when it is incredibly concerning to assume a Fire Nation citizen would be with someone of the Water Tribes because of the war and its consequences - is comic relief. Not even good comic relief, lmao, because of the horrific implications I just mentioned that come with it, but it’s supposed to be comedy. There was no need of any “Zvtara” undercurrents there because a) Katara and Zuko had never expressed romantic interest in each other in the past, b) it wouldn’t track with the show’s narrative of Katara as Zuko’s surrogate sibling because of her position as Azula’s primary foil, and c) it just doesn’t make sense in general. Katara likes Aang. Zuko likes Mai. There was never a love triangle there, plain and simple. Fandom invented it.

And again, if you want to talk about how people actually see Zuko and Katara, don’t look at June, who has never had a proper conversation with either of them. As I said, the Gaang is a much better example, since they’re with the two 24/7. If they never tease Zuko and Katara about romance, why should we trust this random lady who doesn’t even know them?

“During this time, Zuko defers to Katara and despite Toph likely being more helpful, asks Katara to be the one to take down Azula with him.”

As I mentioned, Katara is Azula’s primary foil, so from a literary perspective she absolutely needed to be the one to take her down. Zuko needed to face Azula, but taking her down - again, from a literary pov - was always meant to be the end of Katara’s journey (she was the only person besides Aang who was ever a match for Azula, after all, as we see in CoD). Also, how would Toph be more helpful?? Not saying you’re wrong, btw, I just don’t understand what you mean. If I was Zuko, I also would have brought the waterbender that I’d already witnessed almost take down my sister already 😂. But even if Toph would have been more helpful, sometimes practicality must be sacrificed for a fulfilling narrative arc, lol!

“Last part of the finale should have been the money shot, Zuko taking lightning for Katara, and in a parallel to CoD, Katara healing him.”

Honestly, anon, this part of your ask baffles me 😂 I totally understand why rabid zkers might make this argument, but taking into account the rest of the show… It just doesn’t make sense? It’s been talked about a hundred times, but Zuko taking lightning out of romantic interest would ruin his redemption arc, regardless of if it was Katara or Aang or Sokka or anyone in the Gaang that he was taking it for, so that should be the end of discussion, full stop. I’ve talked about this issue here and here before, and someone else does a great job breaking it down in this post, too. But seriously. Zuko having romantic interest for anyone in the Gaang would ruin!! His!! Entire!! Arc!! I hate when people don’t understand that 😭 Zuko had to learn selflessness, to learn how to put others before himself, and to unlearn the imperialist rhetoric he’d been indoctrinated with from birth. Romantic interest during canon for Katara, Sokka, Aang, whomever, I don’t care, completely disregards all of his growth of breaking away from the Fire Nation. Plain and simple.

“Dante Basco is right in that there probably should have been a kiss at that moment and the end scene of the gang at the Jasmine Dragon with Zuko and Katara shyly proclaiming their interest in each other.”

I learned in a discord I’m in that Dante Basco apparently hadn’t seen the whole show until this year lmao. He didn’t know what energybending was nor did he know A:TLA ended with a Kataang kiss. Take that with a grain of salt, of course (you can watch the livestream this is revealed in here, and it was also mentioned in the recent StageIt A:TLA reunion), but I think it’s safe to conclude Dante Basco can be treated like any other Zvtara shipper. He likes the ship, which is totally cool, but he is not one of the writers, so his opinion meant naught in constructing the canon narrative.

ANYWAYS. My point is why would Zuko and Katara proclaim interest in each other if such interest would have to be crammed into five measly episodes?? Especially when four of those episodes were the finale?? That is awful writing, of course the A:TLA writers wouldn’t do that, lmao! They’d built up Kataang and Maiko already. Why scrap it and needlessly rush a romance from an excellent - and, important to note, a newly established - platonic bond? Nah.

“EIP seemed to set up a ZK endgame that jumped the tracks at the end. By all the ‘rules’ of a good narrative, Zuko and Katara should have ended up together”

Nope. Idk what rules people have been teaching you, anon, but they were lying!! You deserve better than people who would lie to you like that 😤. But yeah, narratively speaking, Katara and Zuko getting together would have made no sense. It would have undermined Zuko’s and Katara’s arcs, it would have completely disregarded Katara’s established feelings for Aang and Zuko’s for Mai, and again, it would have been totally rushed. Who wants that?? Normal people don’t, lmao. This might be hard to believe considering I occasionally rag about BNF zkers, but I actually have several friends who are Zvtara shippers! They agree that canon Zvtara would have made no sense, and that it’s better to play out a potential Zvtara dynamic in post-A:TLA fanon. I swear, it is only the rabid shippers who think Zvtara should have been canon, and trust me when I say no one should want to associate with them, lmao.

(And again, as I touched upon earlier, Zuko and Katara’s canon narrative relationship was surrogate siblings because of Katara’s position as Azula’s primary foil. The show wrapped their arc up perfectly! With a lovely bow and all. So no complaints from me!)

“otherwise EIP should never have been countenanced or storyboarded. Full disclosure that I’m not a huge Kataang fan either, but Kataang was done a disservice by having EIP exist”

What EIP did right:

- accurate (and horrifying) depiction of pro-imperialist propaganda

- recap of previous seasons

- a lesson on consent (Aang kisses Katara, it is depicted as wrong, and Aang reacts appropriately by admonishing himself and by giving Katara space afterwards. like, people call Aang an incel/entitled/whatever, BUT HE HAD THE PERFECT REACTION?? he literally backed off and never pressured her again. i would have killed for the guy who kept getting in my personal space during my junior year to have backed off when i told him to. spoiler alert: he didn’t)

- hit some good humor beats

What EIP did poorly:

- honestly it’s not very interesting just based on watching it (deconstructing it as propaganda gives it better depth), but that’s to be expected from filler

- stupid shipping drama

- not having an additional conversation/explicit apology between Aang and Katara

HOWEVER. This final point is actually very subjective. For one, A:TLA has a clear trend of not showing apologies on screen. Ex.: Katara doesn’t apologize to Sokka for what she said about their mother, Zuko doesn’t apologize for anything he did to the Gaang, Song, or really anyone (closest we get is “Hello, Zuko here” lmao), Ty Lee and Mai don’t apologize for putting the Kyoshi warriors in jail, etc. etc. So while an explicit apology would have been great, the lack of one admittedly tracks with the show’s pre-established standards. And two, while I of course would love a conversation between Aang and Katara (that’s literally MORE KATAANG. why would I refuse 😂), it isn’t… necessary, to be frank. Aang’s mistake is treated as such - kissing Katara was wrong and he should never have done that. Like I said, Aang acknowledges this error and gives Katara space afterwards. Thus, it is Katara who chooses to be with him when the war is over. She respects the time he gave her to come to a conclusion, and the choice she makes is that she loves him despite his poorly-timed kiss (I mean, she forgave Zuko for being complicit in Aang’s death. Katara is clearly a very forgiving person!). So like,, it gets to a point where if someone doesn’t recognize that, they’re probably the kind of weirdo who labels anything they don’t understand in a story as a plothole, lmao.

All of this is to say that EIP wasn’t a disservice to Kataang. It certainly could have been better, of course, and the kiss was obviously only put in to hype up drama (“will they, won’t they” blah blah blah), but overall it handled consent well for a kid’s show.

“It either should not have ever gotten written, or the ZK enemies-to-lovers arc should have been concluded.”

On the whole, EIP is absolutely an unnecessary episode, yeah. It was just a recap before the finale. The only important thing is its accurate depiction of pro-imperialist propaganda, but most people’s minds don’t immediately go to that, I’ll admit lmao 😂. And as I’ve already said, there was no Zvtara E-L arc - fandom completely made that up. Which is totally fine! That’s the point of transformative works. But they are still fanon. Plain and simple.

TL;DR - Zvtara was never in the cards for A:TLA. I wish rabid zkers would stop pretending it was and have fun in the sandbox like the rest of us 😭

And for the record, anon, you absolutely, 100% do not have to be convinced by any of this! It’s just my own, personal thoughts on the whole dealio. No worries either way!! 💛

[warrioreowynofrohan]

Today in Tolkien - February 16th

This is the day when the Fellowship leave Lothlórien and begins their journey down the River Anduin. Quite a lot fits into the day, so I’m going to track it chronologically.

First, in the morning as the Fellowship is packing up, elves of Lothlórien come and bring them lembas and elven-cloaks. Both are an example of the value and dignity of practical crafts within elven society; Galadriel personally works on making the cloaks of Lothlórien (“she and her maidens wove this stuff”), and of the nature of “elf-magic” being tied to their close relationship with the natural world (“leaf and branch, water and stone: they have the hue and beauty of all these things under the twilight of Lórien that we love”; and “grey with the hue of twilight under the trees they seemed to be; and yet if they were moved, or set in another light, they were green as shadowed leaves, or brown as fallow fields by night, dusk-silver as water under the stars”). It’s quite possible that this is the first time non-elves have been given lembas since the time of Túrin Turambar, and the second time in all Elven history.

After having breakfast, the Fellowship are preparing to leave the site where they have camped for the last month. Haldir comes to meet them as their guide (he’s come a lomg way from the borders, so it’s likely that the “guide” thing is an excuse and he’s come to say good-bye). He tells them that “The Dimrill Dale is full of vapour and clouds of smoke, and the mountains are troubled; there are noises in the deeps of the earth” - likely consequences of the battle between Gandalf and the balrog.

As they walked through Caras Galadhon the green ways were empty; but in the trees above them many voices were murmuring and singing. They temselves went silently. At last Haldir led them down the southward slopes of the hill, and they came again to the great gate hung with lamps, and to the white bridge; and so they passed out and left the city of the Elves. Then they turned away from the paved road and took a path that went off into a deep thicket of mallorn-trees, and passed on, winding through rolling woodlands of silver shadow, leading them ever down, southwards and eastwards, towards the shores of the River.

They had gone some ten miles and noon was at hand when they came on a high green wall. Passing through an opening they came suddenly out of the trees. Before them lay a long lawn of shining grass, studded with golden elanor that glinted in the sun. The lawn ran out into a narrow tongue between bright margins: on the right and west the Silverlode flowed glittering; on the left and east the Great River rolled its broad waters, deep and dark...One the bank of the Silverlode, at some distance up from the meeting of the streams, there was a hythe of white stones and white wood. By it were moored many boats and barges. Some were brightly painted, and shone wuth silver and gold and green, but most were either white or grey.

New word for me: hythe. Even my 1950s OED doesn’t know it! Fortunately, Google knows everything, and tells me it is an “archaic” word meaning “a small harbour or landing-place,” which is what I expected from the context.

There are thee boats for the Fellowship, and elves provide them with rope, to Sam’s satisfaction. The Fellowship practice with the boats by rowing a ways up the Silverlode. They meet Galadriel and Celeborn in a great swan-ship:

The water rippled on either side of the white breast beneath its curving neck. Its beak shone like burnished gold, and its eyes glinted like jet set in yellow stones; its huge white wings were half-lifted.

This matches the description of the swan-ships of the Teleri that Fëanor stole and destroyed, described in the Silmarillion: “Their ships...were made in the likeness of swans, with beaks of gold and eyes of gold and jet.” Galadriel’s mother is Telerin, and so the ship, as much as her song of lament (“What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”), is a sign of her homesickness.

The Fwllowship, Celeborn, and Galadriel return to the green lawn at the angle of the two rivers for their parting meal. It is a fitting place: still within Lothlórien, but looking across the rivers to the mallorn-less shores beyond its southern and eastern borders. Galadriel seems changed to Frodo, and it may be not only his perception, but the result of her choice, refusing the Ring, to “diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel”:

She seemed no longer perilous or terrible, nor filled with hidden power. Already she seemed to him, as by men of later days Elves still at times are seen: present and yet remote, a living vision of that which has already been left far behind by the flowing streams of Time.

Celeborn gives the Fellowship advice on their onward journey, speaking of the Brown Lands and the Emyn Muil, of the rapids of Sarn Gebir and the falls of Rauros, of the Dead Marshes and the plains of Gorgoroth, of Rohan and the Forest of Fangorn. Since all this territory is likely familiar to Aragorn, this is likely as much for the reader’s benefit as the Fellowship’s. He warns them not to become entangled in Fangorn, “a strange land, and now little known”; with the spread of Men across the plains of Rohan, it is likely now many years since the Elves and the Ents have spoken.

Boromir, showing more warning signs, though subtler than the previous night, dismisses the stories of Fangorn as “old wives’ tales, such as we tell to our children”, and then digresses to brag/complain about his difficulties in reaching Rivendell: “A long and wearisome journey...and it took me many months, for I lost my horse at Tharbad, at the fording of the Greyflood. After that journey, and the road I have trodden with this Company, I do not much doubt that I shall find a way through Rohan, and Fongorn too, if need be.” He is clearly feeling both proud and aggrieved. Notably, Aragorn, with far broader experience and travel of Middle-earth that Boromir, says no such things.

Galadriel then gives gifts to the Fellowship. To Aragorn, a scabbard overlaid with tracery of leaves and flowers of silver and gold, with words in gemstones spelling out that it in Andúril, reforged from Narsíl, the blade of Elendil. And along with this, the Elessar, the elfstone, which Arwen gave her to give to him: “a great stone of a clear green, set in a silver brooch that was wrought in the likeness of an eagle with outspread wings.” The Elessar is, from some versions of Unfinished Tales, an enhancement to healing abilities; the fact that Galadriel gave it to Celebrian and Celebrian to Arwen suggests that Celebrian and Arwen may both have used healing abilities as well. (Arwen, as Elrond’s daughter, would be particularly likely to be trained in it. Wouldn’t it be neat if the gemstone she gives to Frodo at the end, to help him in times of sickness and ill memory, was one she made herself, a combination of jewel-craft and healing?)

And, for all the fandom focus on how many people Elrond has lost, it’s worth remembering here that Galadriel is parted from her father and mother, her brothers are long dead, and her daughter departed for Valinor terribly ill and broken-spirited after having been captured by orcs; and unlike Elrond, at this moment she does not know if she will ever be able to see them again. Elrond at least knows he will see his parents and his wife again, in time. Galadriel also knows she is going to lose her granddaughter; indeed, she had a hand it it, practically matchmaking Aragorn and Arwen on the occasion when they became engaged.

Galadriel’s gift to Sam, of the earth and the mallorn-nut, is particularly touching: she knows from his vision in the mirror that the Shire will likely not be untouched by the war, and that the loss of the trees in particular distresses Sam; and she gives him a gift that can amend it.

And Gimli, of course, asks for a strand of Galadriel’s hair, and recieves three. I could say more on the interactions between these two, but I’ll try to keep it to this: in all the language concerning Gimli and Galadriel, Galadriel’s beauty is not used simply or even mainly to mean physical appearance, but to stand in for goodness, kindness and understanding. Gimli’s answer for what he would do with the hair is “treasure it...in memory of your words to me at our first meeting,” when she understood and defended the dwarves’ love of their home and spoke their place-names in the dwarf-tongue. Similarly, when he demands Eómer “acknowledge Galadriel as the fairest of ladies” if ever he sees her, he is responding to Eómer insulting Galadriel’s character, not her looks. Beauty here means something more than beauty.

And to Frodo she gives the Phial of Galadriel, holding the light of Eärendil’s star that is the Silmaril; a parallel and inverse of the Silmaril, a gift to be given rather than a possession to be clung to; and fitting for the end of the Noldor’s presence in Middle-earth, as the Silmarils drove their arrival there.

The Fellowship at last departs from Lothlórien, and Galadriel’s song in Quenya flows down to them on the wind.

So the Company went on their long way, down the wide hurrying waters, borne ever southwards. Bare woods stalked along either bank, and they could not see any glimpse of the lands behind. The breeze died away as the River flowed without a sound. No voice of bird broke the silence. The sun grew misty as the day grew old, until it gleamed in a pale sky like a high white pearl. Then it faded into the West, and dusk came early, followed by a grey and starless night.

[c-c-cherry]

Part Four Headcanons!!

@tyriantyrant​ Father...I’m so sorry this took so long...but it is finally here. The moment has come. 

@jjadegreen​ is and always will be my headcanon buddy and she really took the reins on this one because my stupid mushy brain could barely think of ANYTHING. Go check her out. She makes good shit. If you like headcanons you’ll love her. 

Without further ado, join us on this long-awaited half-crack half-serious journey once more:

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

Okuyasu

-He swallowed a spoon. Like...one of those tiny collector spoons...

-Don’t ask me how Okuyasu managed to do this, but he did.

-He was sitting in his room trying to think of something cool he could do in front of Josuke and he was like 

”Bro what if I did some kickass spoon trick” (Yes, he did find a little collector’s spoon at an antique shop and bought it cause it was shiny)

-It did not go well

-He choked on it for like a solid 2 minutes before he FUCKING SWALLOWED IT and sat there for 15 minutes like “oh shit oh fuck-”

-His dad was just watching from the corner like ;-;

-At first he’s like “ahh it’ll be fine, right?”

-”Right?”

-Then he starts thinking about it a bit more and realizes how fucked he probably is

-He COULD call Josuke but he really doesn’t want to explain to him that he not only swallowed a tiny fucking spoon but he also did it while simultaneously trying to think of something cool to do in front of him

-So he doesn’t call Josuke

-Instead he paces around, trying to think of some solution:

Can I throw it back up or something?

Should I like...drink that stuff that makes metal dissolve? That’ll work, right? Shit wait-

Maybe it’ll just turn out okay?

-His chest is on FIRE and he’s absolutely convinced that this is the end for him

-He calls Josuke

-There are tears...many tears

-Our boy Josuke rushes over and starts freaking out because all he knows is “Oku’s hurt” and when he bursts through the door Okuyasu’s just sitting on the couch crying and Josuke’s just “???”

-He’s the most supportive bro tho and sits down on the couch and is like “oh shit bro did you need emotional healing instead? I gotchu either way” :’)

-He reaches over to hug him and Oku jumps back in a panic and screams “NO DUDE DON’T JOSTLE THE SPOON”

”...”

“..the spoon?”

-He tearily explains the spoon

-It ends with Josuke punching the spoon out of him with Crazy Diamond but he found the entire situation so fucking funny because Oku is so fucking mortified

-he swore not to tell a soul and keeps to his word but he buys Oku a tiny spoon every goddamn chance he gets

Rohan

-Most of the time, Rohan does not embarrass himself

-But sometimes our man slips up a bit and most of the time people don’t notice the dumb shit he does cause he’s always doing dumb shit

-But this is different

-Picture an almost empty house...instant ramen wrappers everywhere...alcohol has been consumed…things have been done...

-Rohan thought this was the best time to answer some of his fan’s FAQ’s (he puts them at the end of every new issue)

-He answers most of them fine but once he comes to the “how tall are you?” question his mushy stupid brain decides to put “about ten inches.” (GOD I'M BEGGING YOU IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS REFERENCE OPEN GOOGLE AND LOOK UP “how tall is Rohan Kishibe?” PLEASE PLEASE I BEG)

-Just for fun

-Because his editor will just fix it, won’t they? Even if he wakes up the next morning and forgets about it, it could never get past the other stages of publishing, right?

-Wrong.

-It manages to slip past every single stage and before he knows it, the latest issue is out and it says he’s almost a foot tall

-He’s reading the one of the newly published copies at breakfast and SPITS OUT HIS FUCKING LUKEWARM SHITTY TEA

-He calls his publisher and just like “uhhh...hey...what the actual fuck guys?” and apparently NONE Of THEM NOTICED??

-They swipe them off the shelves and re-edit them but by now its far too late

-Josuke and Okuyasu have already made jokes about squishing him

-He gets fanart of him being the size of a pencil (which he’s convinced are also done by Josuke and Okuyasu)

-The banned issue where Rohan discloses his supposed “true height” is a novelty collectors item in the manga community now

-This is Rohan’s legacy now. This is how he will be remembered

Josuke

-He wanted to be super edgy when he was around 14

-And what better way to be an edgy 14 year old than with cigarettes??

-The problem is that he’s a literal fucking dumbass and doesn’t know how they work

-Like at all

-He somehow gets his hands on a pack and tries to do it in front of his friends to impress them

-He doesn’t light it. He just...sucks on it??

-He sucks really hard on the unlit cigarette while all of his friends watch and there’s this really long silence and all of them are thinking “yeah is this actually how it works though?”

-Josuke’s like “waitwaitwait I can make smoke come out of it watch” and sucks way too hard on it and IT GETS LODGED IN HIS FUCKING WINDPIPE

-He starts choking because he really really, doesn’t wanna swallow this thing and all of his friends are like “OH SHIT SHIT”

-There’s always that one homie who knows the Heimlich maneuver and on that day, the Heimlich is maneuvered.

-He coughs up a wet cigarette covered in nasty throat juices and his mouth tastes like shit

-He’s still totally shocked about what just happened and just kinda starts laughing but everyone can tell that its forced

-Everyone forgets about it and he’s too embarrassed to tell a soul but the Heimlich kid and him make eye contact in the hallways sometimes and he’s always reminded of that fateful day

-This is the soul reason why Josuke never smoked in high school and probably never will again

Koichi

-This might seem off topic to start but please just bear with me.

-why, for any reason, does Koichi know who joseph is??? Joseph is an American Real Estate agent. Why would a 15 year old Japanese kid be like “oh yeah that famous real estate agent Joseph Joestar”???

-well I present to you the most top tier headcanon: Koichi is a real estate fanboy.

-he planned to be a real estate agent before getting wrapped up into stand shenanigans

-But, being 15 and having REAL ESTATE as one of your biggest interests is not something you really want people knowing, especially considering the fact Koichi is a huge nerdy real estate fanboy for Josuke’s DAD.

-He buys these real estate magazines made for 45 year old men like once a week. They are what he looks forward to every week.

-one time Josuke and Oku come visit and see a magazine on Koichi's bed.

-He totally panics and dives for the magazine and tries to hide it, acting all nervous.

-Josuke and Oku immediately assume it’s a… y’know, NSFW, not for kids magazine.

-Because why would koichi need to be embarrassed about any other kind of magazine?

-So antics ensue of Josuke and Oku pestering koichi about the magazine, teasing him and begging to know what he was hiding

-after a few days, Koichi begrudgingly admits that the magazine is the “SPECIAL JOSEPH JOESTAR INTERVIEW ISSUE” which he bought 3 years ago and has reread countless times.

-Okuyasu laughs really hard and Josuke is like “...you mean my dad.....” and koichi wants to DIE

-They buy him real estate merchandise for his 16th birthday and EVERYONE thinks it’s some kind of joke gift but koichi is internally grateful

Jotaro

-Jotaro is not very good during social situations. That is very obvious.

-but when he hears that Koichi got a girlfriend, he decides he wants to be a cool…uncle? Nephew? Father figure? Mentor?

-so one day, Koichi and Jotaro are chatting while they go on a walk and Yukako walks by

-Koichi blushes and waves at her, she waves too

-Jotaro thinks, ‘alright. Time to show koichi I’m a cool guy’

-as Yukako walks away, Jotaro nudges koichi and sorta smirks

-Jotaro forget a few very important things about himself and Koichi:

-first of all, Koichi is so short, attempting to nudge the kid ended in Jotaro violently jabbing his elbow into Koichi’s skull

-Jotaro is much stronger than he thinks and Koichi, while he can take a hit, is very much weaker than Jotaro

-so an attempt at a simple nudge ends in Koichi being jabbed in the skull, flung into the road by the force of the hit, and hitting his head, hard, on the cement.

-needless to say Jotaro called and ambulance and Yukako tried to literally murder Jotaro

-He ended up with a mild concussion, but no long term damage.

-Jotaro is Not Good At Words so he apologizes in weird awkward ways like buying koichi stuff, quietly handing him 5,000 yen at random times, taking him out on the town, etc...

-Koichi keeps insisting it was an accident and he’s alright, but Jotaro feels AWFUL

-He NEVER lives that moment down in his mind

-It’ll be 2008 and Jotaro is visiting and he’ll just look the newly married koichi in his tiny eyes and say “hmhghggggg is your head ok”

-and koichi is like “IT WAS 9 YEARS AGO MR JOTARO PLEASE”

◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

That was a wild ride I’m so sorry

Did ya’ll have a favourite? I gotta say, real estate Koichi is just...Jade, thank you for that...

Have you seen our embarrassing part 5 headcanons yet? If not, go check that out!

[thedreadvampy]

after the cbt post I'm really unsure if I even want to apply for counselling now

the whole point of looking for therapy was to get help but if it makes things worse then maybe I should just carry on trying to do it myself?

I don't fuckin know

that was meant to be my out for feeling like this what the fuck do I do now

Like. First off this is about CBT, not about counseling generally, which has been really useful once I've found the right process. I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but while accessing NHS counseling hasn't always been easy and it took a while to find the right fit, when I did get a counselor and approach that fit my needs it jumped my healing forwards by miles, it really can be a lifesaver (plus tbh if you're really deep in the doldrums, it can help just by giving you some structure and space). Don't stop looking for counseling because it absolutely can make a huge positive difference, I don't know where I'd be without the counseling I got from the rape crisis center and the NHS. There's a lot of types of therapy/counselling out there and what works for you isn't something I can predict - for me what I've reacted to best is freeform talk therapy, but other people find that really hard to engage with and prefer more structured or theoretical therapies, and the NHS offer a lot of different ones (they just tend to jump to CBT first).

So, beyond that; some people do find CBT really helpful. But the way the NHS specifically uses CBT is outside its recommended use, which is treatment for OCD, BPD, anxiety and some PTSD symptoms (although not PTSD itself). The NHS basically uses it as a first stop for pretty much all mental health patients as far as I can tell (because, as I say, it's cheap and easy to apply) so, much like most people with MH problems I know have been on Citalopram (which is their first stop SSRI), most people I know with MH problems have been to CBT sessions. And with that range of problems, most of them won't find what they need in CBT, which, again, despite how it's currently used, is not designed as a general purpose treatment but specifically to help manage repetitive thought and behaviour patterns.

For some people, managing thought and behaviour patterns is what they need, at least temporarily. My partner found it very helpful to keep him out of breakdown territory during a hard time, and so have several friends I know (seems to have positive impacts particularly on friends diagnosed with BPD bc BPD diagnostic criteria, which focus on intense reaction and toxic thought spirals, line up really well with what CBT is designed to help with).

I think the way in which it's harmed me and others isn't the actual treatment, but the fact that it's treated as if it Should Work and that can make you feel way worse if everyone tells you 'CBT and mindfulness is a magic cure that fixes all your brain problems' and then it. doesn't. because your specific problem isn't what is designed to fix. and I think that harm is mitigated by knowing that a) what works for you is highly personal even within diagnoses, b) at the time you get CBT you probably don't have a concrete diagnosis beyond Something Ain't Right and c) CBT, even when it's right for you, isn't meant to be the end point.

CBT is, specifically, a stop-gap. It's meant to help you keep going with your life while you sort stuff out. Again, because of budget reasons the NHS kind of hope that your problems won't be too bad so that CBT will give you a good enough stable starting point to sort your own shit out without further support, which does work for some people, but for most of us CBT should be part of a larger treatment journey if used at all. CBT is a bandage - it doesn't close the wound, but where it works it stops you bleeding out long enough to either get to a hospital or for your body to heal itself.

I'm not going to lie to you - for a lot of us, getting through to the point where we're accessing the right treatment can be a slog. And because of how the NHS works, it can mean going to CBT, finding it doesn't work for you, and gritting your teeth through a six session course so you can go back to your doctor and say 'see, this didn't work for me and the CBT people agree, what else ya got?' My partner's just sat through 14 sessions of group therapy he found extremely stupidly designed specifically because sometimes that's what you gotta do to get referred on for one-on-one talk therapy, which is what he actually needs.

Like I say, the harm comes when you're made to feel like you're failing therapy. You don't fail therapy. Therapy that isn't working just isn't the right setup for you for whatever reason and that's not a flaw in you, there is no universal catchall therapeutic method. It's always going to be trial and error and if you are able to hold in mind that you're not Bad for finding a counseling style or methodology unhelpful, off-putting or alienating, then badly-fitted therapy shouldn't be nearly as harmful as trying to struggle on manfully alone.

The hardest but most rewarding part for me was the process of learning that I could just say 'this isn't working for me because XYZ, can we try a different approach' and...nothing bad would happen. I wouldn't lose my access to counseling and nobody shouted at me, and when I said 'this isn't working can we change it'...things got better. I was having an absolutely shit and frustrating time with my NHS counselor, I was finding going to counseling a huge stress, and after stewing for a couple of weeks I blew up and said 'I don't like this, this or this, I feel talked down to when you do this, I don't feel like you're listening to me about this, and this thing you're doing keeps making me feel worse' and he got defensive. but he also. changed his practise immediately. and we ended up having a really fantastic and productive 6 months of counseling and I am in private therapy now but I keep referring back to the work he and I did together because it was so useful for me.

So like the takeaways for me are a) know that the fact that this counseling might suck for you doesn't mean counseling in general won't be helpful, there's always going to be some trial and error to find the right fit, b) if it does suck, don't suffer in silence, tell them! if you're sitting there hating it, they're not getting anything out of that either so just let them know that you're uncomfortable, finding it hard to engage, etc (I know this can be really hard and I know for me I only started being able to push back when I was already a couple of years into my treatment journey but do what you can do to communicate your fears) and c) when it works it works.

Getting counseling that works is a journey. It can be wearing and esoteric and a pain in the ass, and sometimes you just don't click with a therapy and sometimes you just don't click with the counselor, but it is absolutely worth pushing through the bullshit because a) change often happens gradually while you're not looking and b) finding a concept who works for you absolutely can change your life super fast. It took me a couple of tries but when I found a counselor and approach that worked for me I managed within 16 sessions to get out of my house, to get a job I liked for the first time, to go out and meet people for the first time in a city I'd been in for 3 years, and to cut out a lot of the people who were making my life unsafe. It's so worth it but it is a journey that takes time and trial and error, so the sooner you start the sooner you're likely to get somewhere that helps you.

[jaskierrrrrr]

-I don’t even know what this is, I’ve been listening to the horror and the wild for two days straight and just feeling a lot of stuff- this is set a couple of months after the fight- Geralt’s been looking for Jaskier all this time and finds him nearly dying of hypothermia??? is a summary I guess

***

Jaskier feels the cold seeping into his bones, the icy wind cutting like a knife on his cheeks and bringing tears to his eyes that freeze before they can roll down his cheeks. He shrugs his shoulders up to try and retain the sliver of warmth remaining in his chest. He can’t feel his hands that have turned white, locked around the strap of his lute that’s bouncing against his back. He bitterly mourns the loss of his cloak; his summer jacket is doing nothing to keep him warm and it’s all he can do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. He’s aware that climbing higher into the mountains is stupid and dangerous, but it’s the only path he can see through the swollen flakes falling thick and fast around him, and he’s more likely to find some sort of shelter on a well-trodden path. He’s also keen to avoid the shadowy figures that seem to flicker across the fields surrounding him, even though logically he knows they’re just a trick of the light Not that has had any luck in the hours he’s spent trudging through the snow. And now the light is fading, and all his energy is focused on just staying on the path.

He stumbles over nothing and goes flying. His hands don’t unclench in time- at this point, he’s not sure they’ll ever loosen up again- and he lands face first in a bank of snow, which soaks his clothes and makes the fading bruise on his side throb like it’s just been inflicted. His breath comes out in a startled gasp; he didn’t think he could get colder than he already was. He wipes away a trickle of melted ice from his forehead and looks down in surprise at his fingers that are coated with red. He must’ve hit his head on something, he thinks. That would explain the dizziness. Says the all too familiar sarcastic voice in his head, that Jaskier hasn’t heard out loud in months. He lets out a hysterical giggle, which quickly turns into a sob.

He drags himself to his feet- at least concentrating all his energy on walking pushes all thoughts of Geralt out of his mind- but he doesn’t get far before collapsing again. The funny thing is, he doesn’t even feel cold anymore, just bone tired. He curls up, exhausted. He just needs five minutes to rest his eyes, so his head can stop spinning and the light that appears to be bobbing in the distance will disappear.

He exhales, and his breath is ripped from him by a particularly vicious gust of wind. As he closes his eyes, the shadows dancing in the wind seem to consume him, and the howling wind is replaced with blissful silence.

***

When he wakes, he’s warm. So warm it would be insufferable if it wasn’t such a relief to not be cold anymore. He attempts to open his eyes and grimaces, which worsens the pain in his stiff and cracked face. He must look horrendous. Still, at least he’s alive.

As he manages to slowly work his eyes open, he takes in his surroundings. He’s in a small cave with a narrow entranceway that’s been partially blocked off with branches; he can only assume it’s an attempt to keep the snow out, as there’s no evidence of meltwater in the cave, despite the fire that’s crackling near the entrance. Jaskier feels a mild sense of panic when he sees his own clothes hanging up to dry; with a huge effort, he pulls himself into a seating position and throws aside the cloak wrapped around him. To his immense relief, he’s not naked- he still has his trousers on, but his sodden undershirt has been replaced with one much larger and older that’s surprisingly soft considering how worn it is. Someone’s even taken great care to wrap his hands in bandages for cuts he was too cold to feel, and there’s some kind of salve coating the bruise on his side. 

He assumes it’s a salve- he supposes there’s every chance it’s some kind of poison. That would be typical- rescued from freezing to death only to be experimented on by his saviour.

Jaskier shivers violently, disrupting his musings. The fire’s dying down, and there’s nothing to feed it, so he grabs the cloak, meaning to pull it back over his torso when he stops dead, staring at its hood. There’s a very familiar mending job hiding a tear that curves upwards like a crescent moon. It’s almost invisible to the eye thanks to the incredibly fine stitching, but Jaskier would recognise his own repair work anywhere. 

He’s still struggling to understand how it could be possible, and whether he even wants his rescuer to be who he thinks it is when the branches are pulled back, revealing the dazzling white snow that’s almost immediately blocked from view by the figure stepping into the cave, a bundle of logs under each arm.

Geralt looks exactly the same as he did the day Jaskier left, all those months ago. The only difference is that the expression of fury Jaskier had last seen has been replaced with one of surprise, those amber eyes wide and lips slightly parted. He stares at Jaskier for several long seconds, as rigid as a statue, and Jaskier can’t help but stare back. After all, Geralt already knew he was here- Jaskier hadn’t had the luxury of preparing for this moment.

‘Jaskier.’ Geralt says weakly, in a voice so unlike his own it sends a chill down Jaskier’s spine that has nothing to do with the snow.

Of course, it’s awkward. He was stupid to think Geralt would actually want to see him- saving him was just the decent thing to do, it didn’t mean anything. Masking his disappointment that’s pooling in the pit of his stomach, Jaskier nods in response.

‘Uh, hello.’

It doesn’t seem likely that Geralt is going to fill the silence that follows; he’s still unmoving next to the fire. Jaskier swings his legs out onto the dusty floor of the cave and reaches for his boots.

‘Thanks for, well… you know. The rescue,’ he says as he pulls on his boots, ‘I’ll get out of your hair now.’

His words finally seem to awaken Geralt from his reverie. He tips the logs onto the ground as Jaskier stands, trying to ignore the trembling in his legs. He can’t remember the last time he ate, but judging by the black spots in his vision, it was a while ago.

‘What are you talking about? You need to rest, Jaskier. You were lucky I found you when I did, or who knows-’ He cuts off, and something passes across his face. If Jaskier didn’t know better, he’d say it was fear. 

Jaskier’s ‘Honestly, I’m fine,’ is undermined by his legs giving out after taking only a couple of steps towards Geralt, who lunges forward, wrapping strong arms around Jaskier’s waist to stop him falling to the floor. Jaskier’s arms come up reflexively and land against Geralt’s chest. He feels the all too familiar heartbeat and wrenches his hands away. Geralt still hasn’t let go. Ignoring Jaskier’s feeble protests, he essentially hauls him back onto the makeshift bed. He stares down at Jaskier, the line of his jaw set before turning to stoke the fire.

Despite the time they’ve spent apart, Jaskier can still read Geralt’s body language without thinking. He takes in the muscle jumping near his temple, the fingernails dug into his palms, and opens his mouth to ask what’s wrong, because obviously something is, but Geralt beats him to it.

‘What the hell were you thinking?’ He growls through gritted teeth. ‘Wandering into a fucking snow storm with nothing but a lute? No food? No cloak? Were you trying to get killed?’

‘Obviously not,’ Jaskier replies, exasperated, curling up to sit cross-legged, bracing his back against the cave so he doesn’t have to crane his neck to look at Geralt, ‘I had a plan- and a cloak- but unfortunately my travelling companion decided to relieve me of both.’

Geralt frowned. ‘Companion?’ He almost sounds hurt.

‘Just some merchant I met in the tavern a few days ago. He offered safe passage across the mountains and I figured it was probably safer than making the journey alone.’ He winces and his hand rises to the bruise on his side, the memory of the boot that had inflicted it stinging more sharply than the wound thanks to Geralt’s healing salve. ‘Obviously I was wrong.’

If looks could kill, Jaskier really didn’t fancy his chances right now. He’d rarely seen Geralt this angry before, although the expression on his face stirred a bitterly painful memory from the mountaintop. It had always amazed him how strongly Geralt felt, even though he always said Witchers didn’t have emotions. Maybe it’s just the positive emotions they don’t feel, he thinks, even though he knows that isn’t true. He’s seen Geralt happy, even ecstatic before. Even heard him laugh occasionally at one or two of Jaskier’s stories. 

Although his happiness was more often related to Yennefer’s presence. The hurt rises like bile in his throat. He manages to get out, ‘well, not everyone is as chivalrous as you.’ He’s aiming for a lighthearted, jaunty jibe, but even as he says it, he can tell it falls flat, his tone betraying him.

Geralt rises from the fire, stomping over to the far side of the cave to bring his gear closer to the fire. ‘It’s nothing to do with chivalry.’ His turns his back to Jaskier, who suddenly can’t take it anymore. Geralt’s had months to get over his anger and yet he still can’t bear to look at him.

‘Oh well,’ he spits, aiming for sarcasm, ‘no harm done- what’s the worst that could have happened anyway?’ He makes a grab for his boots again, he needs to get out of here, he knows his heart can’t take another beating like last time. Geralt’s shoulders tense and he spins round, incredulous. 

‘The worst thing?’ He says, his voice cracking, eyebrows knitted together in disbelief, ‘Damn it Jaskier! You could have died. What the hell do I have to say to make you take this seriously?’

Jaskier only mutely registers what Geralt is saying beyond the first few words. The bitter memories of the last time he’d heard those words are flashing before his eyes, he can hear them over and over, the vitriol and malice cutting deeper than a knife. 

It’s overwhelming. He’s tried to suppress these memories for so long that they’re spilling over and threatening to consume him. He isn’t sure where he is anymore, the blood rushing in his ears sounds remarkably like the howling winds from the cliffs, his rapid heartbeat the footsteps he’d strained to hear but never did. He’s drowning in memories; he drops his boots and starts clutching at his throat as if silenced by the djinn once more. He feels like he can’t breathe. His thoughts are erratic and wild- he almost wishes he was back in the snow. At least that had been silent, nothing screaming inside his head. He thinks he finally understands why Geralt always seemed to prefer the quiet.

Dimly, slowly, he registers strong hands gripping his arms, pulling his shaking hands from his throat, rough and calloused thumbs running over his knuckles. ‘Breathe, Jask. Breathe,’ he hears. He doesn’t know if it’s from inside his head or not, but he listens anyway, gulping air greedily. One of the hands comes up to cradle the back of his neck, and the slow, rhythmic pulse he can feel in the fingertips pressing gently against his skin help to bring his breathing under control.

As he feels the panic in his chest quieten, he opens his eyes to see Geralt’s own amber ones staring back at him, brimming with concern and guilt. He attempts to open his mouth, wanting to say that he’s okay, but Geralt holds up the hand that was covering Jaskier’s to silence him. Jaskier’s about to mourn the loss as Geralt steps away, but he sits next to him on the bed, pressed up against Jaskier’s side.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. His tone is soft, but tight with guilt, ‘and I know that isn’t good enough, and I’m not just saying it.’ He twists his hands in his lap, suddenly unsure. Unthinking, Jaskier takes one in his own. Geralt blinks down at their entwined hands before raking his eyes back up to meet Jaskier’s.

‘Those things I said... were unforgivable. And I don’t expect forgiveness- they were cruel and vicious, but please believe me when I say I didn’t mean them. I was angry, and I took it out on you. And not a word of it was true.’

He looks away, seemingly overcome. Jaskier waits patiently, his hand still pressed against Geralt’s. Geralt takes a deep breath, and continues.

‘I never told you how much I enjoy your company. You’re a good man, Jaskier, and I’m not worthy of you. You did so much for me, and I took it all for granted. I pushed you away, but you continued to fill the silences by my side. That day with the djinn, when I thought I’d never hear your voice again, was the worst day of my life.’ His voice cracks, and Jaskier is startled to see wetness in his eyes. He reaches up a hand to caress Geralt’s cheek and wipe the tears from his eyes.

‘The worst day, at least until yesterday. I’ve been trying to find you all this time, always a few steps behind, but when the folk in the village told me you were here, I couldn’t believe my luck. But then I saw you lying in the snow, and I thought you were dead, and I-’

He’s cut off, this time by Jaskier, who turns his body and pulls Geralt against his chest, tucked under his chin, his face buried in tangled, white hair. Geralt’s arms wrap around his waist as if he never wants to let go. 

They stay locked in embrace for God knows how long, Jaskier’s hands combing through Geralt’s hair as he speaks.

‘I forgave you,’ he starts, hesitantly, ‘before I even made it down the mountain. I think I knew, deep down, that you were just angry, but that was the first time you’d explicitly asked me to go, so I thought that you really meant it. So, I did.’ 

He chuckles softly, and Geralt lifts his head to look at him, mild confusion in his eyes. 

Jaskier bites his lip, ‘I told myself it was fine, better even. No cleaning monster guts out of your hair or getting attacked by harpies or whatever trouble you attract. But oh,’ he whispers, ‘I missed you. I missed you so much it hurt. So, you don’t need to apologise, or feel guilty, because I already forgave you.’

He’s been staring at a point above Geralt’s head as he spoke. A firm hand tugs gently on his chin, and their eyes meet once more.

‘Thank you,’ Geralt says, and the tenderness is almost too much to bear for Jaskier, who adds, 

‘Plus, you need someone to write incredible ballads about your heroic deeds, otherwise Roach will have to go without carrots.’

Geralt smiles, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards as he laughs, deep and true. The sound warms Jaskier more than the fire.He pulls Jaskier onto his side and tucks him into his chest, pulling the cloak over both of them.

‘Go to sleep, Jask,’ he murmurs, running his hands through Jaskier’s curls, ‘there’ll be plenty of time for ballads later.’

And Jaskier, who’s easily being lulled into sleep by the gentle rise and fall of Geralt’s chest, knows he’ll never be cold again.

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Sorry! Lehner had around a 10 minute rant today about how he feels like the NHL lied to the players about loosening up the restrictions placed on teams and forced teams to get the Covid Vaccine. ESPN and the New York Post released an article about it today.

(this is a follow-up on this ask)

Ah okay, I found a TSN article about it, which covers the fact that he also apologized for some of his remarks (mainly comparing the restrictions to being “like prison” which is a bit cringe when you’re a millionaire in a free hotel, yeah), and also significantly clarified some of the intent behind what he was trying to say at the presser:

I’m gonna put my full thoughts this under a cut because it’s ended up running pretty long and rambly, but tl;dr: after considering his more precisely clarified points here and with the perspective I know he’s coming from, I can honestly see and empathize with what Lehner seems to be expressing here about how the NHL has chosen to handle player vaccinations and informing them about what that means for the restrictions on their lives, and I actually don’t disagree with his criticisms overall. Some of the phrasing could have been better, but he’s acknowledged that too.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL may have done a poor job of honestly managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the extra restrictions placed on the players and their families with each team, and that they’re also up to some version of their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

Right, so, long thoughts are down here. Also gonna copy the majority of his comments directly because I think it’s worthwhile for people to read exactly what he said:

"As I’m frustrated like a lot of people in the world right now everything didn’t come out of today’s press in the right way," Lehner wrote. "Main point is that we need to start take the mental health important as well In this situation. It has a huge impact on everyone in society right now. To put competitive edge before well being of people's lives is wrong. As I said, people are struggling with many different things mentally and we need to consider that, as well. Then, being lied to makes it worse."

I love hockey and the league has done a lot of good things," Lehner continued. "But this missed the mark. My bad to say it’s like prison and I apologize, but with mental health issues that are developing in the world, it develops problems mentally. We will see exactly how this affects everything with time. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I hope we can all work together to help people that suffer through mental help from this going forward. I’ve heard how a lot of people are doing through this as people talk to me about it."

During his briefing, Lehner said that the league has misled the players about how vaccination will lead to the loosening of restrictions.

"They told me yesterday that they're surveying all of the teams to see who has taken the vaccine and who has not taken the vaccine and they're not going to change the rules for us as players until all of the teams have a fair [amount] of [vaccinated players] at the same time, so there's not a competitive edge," Lehner said. "And that made me go crazy, to be honest."

Lehner said the league is failing to look at its players as people first and lied to them about taking the vaccine.

"These are human lives and people are struggling with this stuff a lot in society and we are humans just as everyone else," Lehner said. "So there's a twofold problem for me here - the first one is we got promised something to take something that not necessarily everyone wanted. So that was lie - a blatant lie. Second, to put competitive edge over human lives in terms of going back - and I'm not saying we're going out to a party or whatever, but we had a meeting when the season started, at the beginning of camp, that pretty much told us we can't go outside of our house, can't do anything, can't go to the grocery store, can do nothing on the road. You can take a meal out of the meal room and go sit up in your room, don't be with your teammates, don't do this, don't do that. Nobody thinks about the mental impact."

The Gothenburg, Sweden native says his peers are struggling through this pandemic season.

"I know people will say, 'Oh, you're millionaires' and this and that or 'What about these guys?' but we care about that, too, man," Lehner said. "No matter what people think, this is a society problem. But when government, corporations, NHL, whoever are taking decisions in terms of irrelevant things like competitive edge over the human being? It's not okay."

It seems pretty clear to me from this article that his main issue isn’t really with getting the vaccine or being required to do so (my understanding is that it is still opt-in for all players, not mandatory. It’s that he doesn’t view the League as having provided players with a realistic expectation ahead of time for how being vaccinated would or would not change their daily reality. That they were led to believe that getting vaccinated would lead to things that didn’t end up happening, and therefore weren’t empowered to make an informed choice about when to get vaccinated.

The way he describes it, the League was not clear enough ahead of time about the fact that individual players being vaccinated would not make them individually exempt from league-wide restrictions, and this created a feeling of false hope about what getting vaccinated would mean in terms of not just having to stay in your house or hotel room literally all the time. If you were looking forward to getting vaccinated because you were led to believe it would mean finally not having to live in that isolated, mentally draining environment all the time, and then only found out at the last minute or after the fact that no, you actually still have to keep following all these rules that are making your life so isolated and difficult, that’s gotta be pretty emotionally jarring. If you were a player who was a little unsure about getting vaccinated quite yet (for whatever reason, including possibly being in a risk group for side-effects or just not wanting to get waylaid for a week with the smile symptoms it induces during a crucial stretch of games), but decided it was worth it for the tradeoff of getting back to a life that was less of a strain on your mental health, and then got told AFTER you made that decision and got the shot that no, that tradeoff isn’t happening the way you were made to expect it to, I think it would understandably piss you off.

It also sounds like part of what he has taken issue with is that, from the sounds of it rather than ease internal restrictions on a team-by-team basis as determined by each team’s vaccination rates (which would mean that if for example the Wild had 95% of their team vaccinated, the Wild only the Wild would get to start living a life with slightly less restrictions), the League is instead opting to say “no, we’re only going to ease the rules for EVERYONE at the same time once all teams have reached similar numbers of vaccinated players and staff to ea other, because we would see having different rules for different teams as giving some of them an unfair competitive edge”.

Lehner takes umbrage with this approach, because he thinks that focusing solely on “competitive edge” by making more-vaccinated teams keep having to live incredibly isolated lives (even isolated from vaccinated teammates) is a case of the League prioritizing parity over the toll that barely being able to interact with other people or leave their houses is taking on players’ mental health. And I can really really understand his point here. We have all seen what quarantine has done to our individual mental health, and even if they are millionaires, those impacts also exist for the players.

I actually just recently re-read the Athletic piece about the intense mental health and addiction struggles Lehner has gone through and done the incredibly difficult work of getting help for in the last five years. This man has fought incredibly hard and done a massive amount of therapy and other work to sort out his head, deal with his demons, and get himself to a place where he can cope and wants to be alive. That kind of recovery journey is a battle which will continue for the rest of your life and requires constant maintenance practices (again, speaking from experience). He also spent most of this season not even getting to be around the team at all, stuck at home recovering from a concussion (which usually involves doing frustratingly little and waiting around impatiently in dimly lit rooms for your brain to heal). And now, upon returning to the team, road games mean more time spent sitting in a room trying not to be bored out of your skull, while possibly also having to have some limits on things like screen time as a post-concussion precaution.

Imagine being somebody like him, who has spent a lot of time working very hard to build up a lifestyle and a system of coping mechanisms in recent years which have allowed him to live a healthier and happier life, to then be thrown back into an isolated and highly restricted new lifestyle where probably at least half of all those habits and norms and support systems are taken out of reach, that has to be incredibly difficult (I’ve experienced something similar myself this year). Especially when you haven’t been able to even go and be with the team in the dressing room, or probably even do anything with your family that classes above “mildly strenuous”, because you’re out for six weeks recovering from a concussion, which is its own mental and physical health battle. And then, you are apparently given the impression from the League that “hey, if you’re willing to get vaccinated, that will lead to you being able to return to some semblance of a life that is less taxing on your psyche”, and you agreed to do so even if you were perhaps cautious about getting the vaccine before, because you’d rather accept whatever risk comes with the shot than gamble on keeping your sanity together for however much longer this isolation drags on, only to then find out that “actually no, even if your team and staff is entirely vaccinated you still have to spend most of your time sitting alone in rooms trying not to sink into a spiral of dangerous depression until other teams in other states with different vaccination programs are also immunized to similar levels, and our only real reasoning for holding that mental relief out of reach is mostly based on ‘competitive parity’”.

Yeah, I absolutely understand why he would feel very frustrated and even betrayed by that course of action! For Lehner, it’s not about competitive edges or the game on the ice, it’s about having made the decision to get vaccinated at this time with the understanding that it would allow access to an at least slightly less mentally taxing lifestyle, only to find out later that the League seemingly never intended to follow through on providing that despite you holding up your end of the deal. And it sounds like he is speaking for a number of other players beyond just himself who are also struggling with their mental health in these conditions. Even if he himself is managing to cope because of what he’s learned in his recovery, he would certainly be well-positioned to recognize signs in the people around him that they are struggling in ways that may be similar to what he went though before, and know how dire that can spiral into being.

Look, I don’t think Robin Lehner ever expected to be allowed to go out and lick people’s eyeballs or wander the supermarket maskless once vaccinated, but you heard the description of how intensely restrictive the NHL’s rules for players off-ice lives during COVID are. They are far more intense than the rules being enforced for non-NHL individuals in many of the same cities and states, because the NHL is trying to bring risk as close to zero as possible. And if you were a player told that being vaccinated was going to reduce contagion risks enough to mean that right away the NHL would finally let you and your teammates from “can’t go anywhere or see anyone, eat your dinner in your hotel room and try not to be depressed about it” to “you can go to the store with a mask on. you can eat meals with your also-vaccinated teammates. you can visit your parents or siblings while social-distancing/masking. you can spend free time around other people and/or in more public spaces without being chaperoned constantly by team staff. you can sit next to your also-vaccinated teammates on the plane/bus. you can hang out with them in their room”, and THEN later were told “sorry, we’re not actually going to let you do that yet. not for COVID reasons but rather because we worry not being totally miserable shut-ins will give you a competitive edge over that team in another state who aren’t getting vaccinated as quickly”. That has to feel like a slap in the face in terms of how much the league actually cares about your well-being or about being honest in its role in your personal medical decisions. Perhaps when he says “forced” he is expressing a feeling of being stuck between choosing “either get vaccinated or let your mental health keep degrading in isolation”, only to find out that making the deal doesn’t get you the relief you were promised.

Idk I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot here trying to circle in on my precise point bc my brain is a little scrambled today, but like. If the players made their decisions to consent to vaccination (at this time, with whatever version of the shot was offered, under whatever circumstances they may have going on personally or medically) based on one understanding of the situation, and then NHL really said “lol NOPE actually that was a false premise” and changed things after the fact, that’s kinda an informed consent issue and I think he’s right to call it fucked up! And everything he says about how mentally taxing such a super-isolated lifestyle is honestly only repeats worries I myself had right from the moment the “stay in your hotel room alone” rule was announced — that the League may be underestimating the toll (especially with some of the long road trips this season) that forcing players to live in total isolation like that was going to have on individual wellbeing and team morale.

Robin’s comments this morning could have been put better, but as somebody who has ADHD and who knows about bipolar disorder, I know emotions for folks with brains like ours can run fast and intense and sometimes lead to not always planning out every word as precisely and you might later have liked to once that moment has passed. The fact that he apologized for the less tactful part of the comment and sought to clarify his words tells me he’s thought a lot about this and wasn’t happy with how he expressed his thoughts initially. Also, while his English is very good, you can sometimes forget it isn’t his first language, Swedish is — some thoughts don’t translate exactly as they sounded in your head. That said, also Robin Lehner one of the more outspoken NHL players about mental health issues in recent years, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of guy to mince his words or tiptoe around a point — I’m not surprised he’s the person expressing these concerns about mental health, and I’m not surprised he was a bit blunt about it either lol.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL did a poor job of managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the players and their families, and that they’re also up to their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

(also: the New York Post is a right-leaning sensationalist rag 90% of the time. take all spin it puts on things with a grain of salt)

[shy-magpie]

RQG 157

these things get long and are by definition one spoiler after another, so live blog under the cut

pre episode nonsense:

My hopes for this episode are mostly just the obvious: For Zolf to pull out of his spiral; for Azu to talk to someone about how she's doing; for Hamid to find his footing with the Kobolds (loving that they are devoting a proper arc to using unearned privilege/power rather than pretending it doesn't exist); more Cel lore; a Wug; and for someone to shake answers out of the Brorb. Not sure Alex is going to let us get to know the kids individually which makes sense as juggling 7 new NPCs would seriously cut into everyone else's screen time. I think we will get more of Skraak & Hamid working through their issues, and Skraak's helping the kids through recovery. If we are very lucky maybe Zolf & Skraak will talk rather than just have Zolf resent the Kobolds for putting Hamid in a place to fall into old habits. Okay lets hit play!

Episode live blogging:

Intros are quick: Zolf sounds low, Ben sounds higher energy than he was.

Oh the Brorb drawings come better when the other half is distracted but not thinking about the real topic.

Krakens are through out the globe, unknown numbers, not true instances of Shoin, network is down.

Cel and I both react to having Shoin be the one to come closest to a truly non physical form.*

Krakens are cloned brains in robot bodies. Specifically said Daleks not Jurassic Park.

Shoin thinks he sent a ransom note using the Kraken as a threat against the world.

Does not handle it well when Zolf hones in on that no one knows who he is, much less trembles at his name.**

Hamid follows Zolf's lead and twists it towards boasting about beating the Infection. The talking half doesn't seem to know how he did it as clearly as the drawing bit. Unfortunately its strictly surgical which would be hard to reproduce at scale even before you consider the side effects.

Quick huddle with the rest of the team:

Cel always wanted to go to London?

Zolf wants to ask more about how the infection works so they could prevent infection. Wilde thinks he is suggesting using Shoin's solution, I get Alex has to catch people up but I don't like Wilde being a paragraph behind me or underestimating Zolf.

Bryn wants to review the diary. Alex confirms the diary says he had a possible  way to "end it" as a whole.

They go back and Cel feigns being extremely impressed that Shoin might have a way to stop the infection. I think having time to regroup cut him off from his memory of the infection again. Alex spells out Shoin loses coherence whenever they bring up the infection/the time period around when he was infected.

Heal check time. Zolf crit fails. Azu got a 29 and can see where his theory was better than his surgery. It may be an aphasia (issues to with communication. can't get to certain words, some can't be spoken even if he understands the concept; others he can't understand if he hears them even if he uses the word/concept himself. Brain trauma, memory problems more severe the more recent you get, sounds like unable to store short term memory properly so anything longer ago than a week but after surgery likely lost.)

Cel switches to the simulacrum. He verbally dismisses it as a waste of time. His hand keeps drawing based on the previous question re:stopping the infection.

Alex calls for a sense motive. Zolf & Azu see the latest drawing is a landscape using technical notation. Its a barren mine. Yes! it's the entrance to Svalbard. Cel can see its a circuit. Alex makes us/Lydia wait until after he's done with the simulacrum stuff.

Shoin thinks using humans as your base design to improve from is the wrong approach, gives some credit to Francois Henri for taking a different approach.

The circuit maybe to transmit something, it needs an organic component. Cel couldn't roll much better then that so they probably need to kick it towards the Harlequins to set a team on.

Shoin is moaning about paying the bills. Took on the contract to provide Simulacrum fluidics to Damascus for the money.

Drawings change shape get less technical and focus on the cavern entrance. Ben catches it sounds yonic, Alex was trying to not go there but did he really think you could go from cave imagery to seed imagry without stopping there?

Hamid tries to get more on how he caught the infection.

Bryn and Alex spell out that to get answers you ask a real question he won't answer verbally but will answer with his hand, with a decoy to keep the talking him distracted while the hand answers.

Decoy question is about Harrison Campell.

Concept drawing of a person, overwhelmed by an image of a huge figure with lines going from the small to the large? Is he suggesting they plant someone they prepare to be infected, and have them infect it back?

Proofs? Minor changes between the proofs and published version of early Campbell books.

Another review session upstairs. Hamid's red string wall got cited as being useful! Cult of Hades/Wellington may have been the one to hire Shoin to make parts for Damascus. Zolf and Hamid talk briefly, about work and as dry "stick to the subject" as possible but they are talking productively.

Oh Ben finally gets in that the interrogation is hard on Zolf's knees because he has to keep his legs out of the cell. He snaps a little at Cel when they comment on cell vs Cel. Carter suggests "naughty box" which nicely derails that point of tension. Cel refers to Shoin as being more pleasant to talk to than Carter. Not sure if that undermines the tiny Cel/Carter ship or fuels it with tension.

Cel asks who hired Shoin to make Sim parts. He can answer directly. Well directly for him, it seems to be mostly justifying stealing Tesla's work on the basis that Tesla wasn't going to implement his theory. Hamid snipes him with a shot praising Edison to get him back on topic. Shoin says Edison was being backed by a big investor. Is it to much to hope this is Alex finally consolidating the factions? If Hades is Edison's investor (leaving Edison & co as effectively their minions, rather than a faction of their own) and the factory owners we can cut down on sides considerably.

He goes on about how he spied on Henri, religion as money maker. Shoin was directly approached by Hades lot. Shoin made sure his bits won't work since he didn't want competition. Wellington was his contact with Hades. Wellington always had a pair of cloaked figures.  Vinegar + squizard = funny? Could be useful.

Do not follow what is going on with the hand.

Shoin is still unstuck in time and thinks he is going to connect them. Cel unplugs the speaker on his villain speech. Cel induces a dream state by powering him down

~break~

Cel suggests  painlessly killing him. Zolf seconds the idea because its immoral to keep him like that.   Hamid points out the longer the keep him around the more likely it is for someone to be infected. Wilde rules they should kill and seal it off.

Cel & Zolf have an argument about having the Kobolds handle the remains. Cel calls Zolf out on his inconstant stance on whether the Kobolds can be infected because if he doesn't believe that then he is risking them.

Wilde is moving on? Cel suggests letting the Brorb die, putting it in a bag of holding, keeping the bag in the anti magic field.

They can't just call Einstein because using unofficial channels is bad when irregular behavior is a sign of infection(?)

Alex's unhealthy attitudes about productivity are called out when he refers to the time Wilde spends thinking/planning before getting their transport arranged as "working" (with the inverted commas) rather than considering it part of the work.

They work out possible paths if teleporting is off the table.

And the boys are snapping at each other again. Zolf, you can't flip out every time you are reminded that Hamid doesn't have the experience or expertise of a seasoned sailor. Yeah you did leave the team without your skills and maybe the kid was a bit green for a field promotion; but you know what? He did a fine job, and the other choices were Sasha, who wouldn't lead, and Bertie, who shouldn't. Just because stepping down was the right thing to do, doesn't mean you get to lose it when you are confronted with the mere allusion to the idea it had consequences.

Barnes tells Hamid why going over the pole is a really bad idea. That Azu's suggestion is carrying Hamid has troubling symbolism.

Zolf actually comes more or less to Hamid's defense by pointing out that all their options are bad options, so having a go at Hamid's idea in particular is unwarranted.

I'm not going to bother listing out options. They will pick one or won't need to pick one. If we have been a very good fandom Alex may reward us with Earhart coming back as their preferred transport.

There we go, Hamid suggests her, Zolf seizes on the idea compliments Hamid on it, and immediately takes it to Wilde. Thank God he isn't so far down he can't do that. If he isn't compulsively shooting down any hope (especially from Hamid) then he really is on the upswing from the low brought on by quarantine stress.

Lydia isn't happy that there isn't going to be an American chapter. Then again we wrote off Svalbard, so don't give up!

Its the Northwest Passage and its so weird realizing that not everyone has it as a cultural reference. Wonder if it's an Oregon thing or a US thing.

Yes it would have been cool, but I think Alex is not going to let us have cool new story arcs when we haven't played with the ones we have at home.

Einstein and Earhart are our two best transport options. I am a happy fan. Especially if Zolf has to use his family and Earhart’s reaching out to him near the end of the journey to appeal to her. I mean we did get more on Zolf's relationship with his family than I expected after Paris, so I'm not going to sulk if they don't pursue this, but it would be nice.

Conflicted as a fan, its hard to remember that this taking months extra is a bad thing when the end of the series is feeling too close for comfort.

Zolf, look at you leveraging your experience with moving even when things feel hopeless!

Cel I love you, kraken as submarine is brilliant. Air kraken is suggested by Carter.

Hamid plays with the ideas while Alex goes "why?". Because you are going to have to work a hell of a lot harder than that if you want Hamid to see it as a no win situation rather than proof he needs to redouble on cheerful creativity. Feeling like he had no options led to the worst parts of Hamid's life, the things he is truly ashamed of; having few losses outside of those, he is going to make Kirk's Kobayashi Maru hang ups look amateur.

Zolf is heading to the beach.

Cel is checking on their village.

Hamid wants to contact Einstein himself, Zolf says he should talk to Wilde about that. Hamid wants Zolf with him for that meeting. Zolf either doesn't want to be a safety blanket, wants Hamid to get used to dealing with Wilde directly, or completely missed Hamid offering a chance to work together because he is incapable of seeing Wilde as an opponent. He does say some nice things about being a team.

Hamid tells Cel to say hi to Jasper for them. He is good at the people side of leadership. Remembering names and relationships, knowing how to show he cares because it's important to Cel without overstepping. If Zolf can learn to let go of the rank stuff, they could be an unbeatable team of co leaders.

Zolf nods at Azu. Azu smiles proudly back. Alex jokes about not liking giving them time to heal because they coordinate.

Hamid offers hugs to both Cel and Zolf. Because this entire character is a "fuck you" to toxic masculinity and he is not afraid to openly show affection to his friends.

Cel gives him a great hug.

Zolf hesitates but gives him a pat on the shoulder. Hamid's has high enough charisma to make that not awkward. Good kid, accepting that Zolf is reaching out as far as he can.

Hamid talks to Skraak. Hamid is worried about taking the kids. Maybe Skraak can convince them to stay & help Jasper with science. Because RQG loves us and wants us to be happy, they are considering a fantasy some of us harbored since "science" as a serious possibility. Could solve the issue with Alex not wanting the kids to take up too much screen time too. Skraak is the perfect character for Hamid to have as his second. He believes in Hamid, and can be confided in, but isn't going to take an ounce of self pity or bullshit.

Alex that village better be okay. Smoke? Controlled burn. Ben lightens the mood. The tank is still guarding the village. The barricade is up but they are guarding about as well as a village of level 0(1?) characters can be expected to.

They are having a party and there is a bon fire. Because Alex knows we wouldn't have trusted him if there wasn't a little scare with the smoke. !puns

The village is visibly healing since the weather is fixed. They thank Cel but know better than to ask.

Jasper! Jasper is looking good. He stepped in as a leader of the village. Cel and I could burst with pride. Jasper thinks Cel is coming to stay, Cel tries to explain they are going to help save the other villages around the world and mentions that Jasper would like the Kobolds.

!puns

* One day I need to hunt down the right corner of SF because there has got to be a decent amount of trans humanist fiction for trans humans out there somewhere.

**Not sure if I should feel bad for hoping this gives him a safe target for his destructive tendencies. Ideally Zolf would get past that point without indulging his dark side lest he reinforce bad coping mechanisms. Ideally Zolf would have weekly therapy without the fate of the world on his shoulders too. Its the more personal version of looking forward to a fight after Hamid's been stressed because he seems to find cooking baddies cathartic.