#and just embraced using placeholders and stuff

[pastafossa]

I HAVE GOOD TRT NEWS.

The next chapter... is at last... fucking

WRITTEN.

Granted it's a mess because my brain is still swiss cheese post-Covid and I can't remember fuck all so there's a lot of placeholders like 'WHATSHISNAME' and 'CONFIRM THIS IS ACCURATE' and 'INSERT SNARKY REMARK HERE', and the sentences are really convoluted, but I don't care because IT IS WRITTEN, AND IF IT IS WRITTEN IT CAN BE EDITED, I CAN WORK WITH THIS, IT HAS WHAT I WANT IN IT, IT'S THE WHOLE OUTLINED CHAPTER, I CAN WRITE, I CAN WRITE, I CAN WRITE, I CAN WRITE, MATT AND JANE ARE BACK, MY BELOVEDS, I'M SO GD HAPPY.

It won't be done by this Tuesday cause god DAMN does it need editing, at least 3 or 4 rounds, and once I'm done I'm going to have a friend look it over (I don't particularly trust myself atm), but next Tuesday's looking VERY promising.

I needed this with *waves* things going on. I missed them. I missed this. TRT's been my lifeline, my distraction, my stress reliever, for YEARS now. I'm SO happy the thoughts are all still in my head, even if they take a big longer for now to come out. I haven't lost my ability to do this. And if I can improve this much, I can keep improving until I'm back to where I was.

SO I AM HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE:

LET THE COUNTDOWN TO TRT CHAPTER 154, SEPTEMBER 12TH, BEGIN.

[bastetwastaken]

Writeblr intro

Hey! I’ve been around on tumblr for a while now, and have been writing for probably the best part of fifteen years but actually only posting publicly for the last three. I’ve only ever posted fanfic, but I never stopped writing original things, I’ve just never felt able to share any of it until now. So here’s a little intro for me and my writing!

General stuff:

Call me Bastet, it’s what most know me as so it’ll just be easier

In my (very) late twenties

Living in the UK.

Other hobbies outside of writing include reading, crocheting, cross stitching, hiking and spending time with my three cats.

Bi-Ace, more sex neutral.

My anxiety can make it hard for me to post consistently, but I will ALWAYS talk about my wips with anyone willing to listen to me ramble, just be prepared for those rambles to get looooooong.

Themes in my writing:

For anyone who knows me, I think it’s safe to say I lean very much toward the cliche romance which aims to leave you wanting to gag on the sweetness whilst embracing the fuzzy warmth in your chest.

I hate sad endings. My characters will always have happy ones… eventually.

I try to keep my writing light since the real world makes us all suffer enough, so any angst will usually be light touch and always necessary to the character and or plot. I do make my OCs suffer sometimes, but not needlessly.

A focus on realistic characters, character growth and character traits.

What am I working on right now?

Untitled (titles are hard) A fantasy romance between a human and the demon who accidentally saved his life.

The general plot will follow both characters as they help each other (unintentionally at first) to heal and learn, to grow together as individuals. The human gets his opportunity to confront a past which has left him feeling empty inside and unable to form meaningful relationships, and the demon gets the chance to learn a little about what it means to be human. Their first meeting turns into a deal which binds them together, then a friendship neither thought they were capable of having, and eventually something more.

The main characters: Aviditas, Avi for short, an Incubus and Silk (placeholder name) a human.

Other fun stuff:

Demonic magic

Incubus antics

Character development and growth

Healing and comfort

A little slow burn but it’s more because these two are just idiots, with Silk thinking he’s so undeserving of any kind of care on account of past events and Avi being conditioned in Hell to believe that demons are incapable of any sort of feeling that it takes them a WHILE to work things out and actually talk.

Fun tropey romance!

I’ve tried to keep this short for the sake of everyones sanity but I will talk endlessly about this story and the characters if anyone would like to know more. (But I’ll also be posting more about them anyway so…)

---------

Fate or Fatuity? (working title) Another fantasy romance! No surprises here. This time, following the sons of two feuding kings who meet entirely by chance and gradually grow closer.

The general plot follows the characters as they navigate their feelings, potential conflict between their kingdoms, and how to keep their relationship a secret until they can figure it all out.

The main characters: Ilua, an elf and prince of Luceras and Akoni, a Deorum and prince of Tuath De.

This story takes place in a world of my own creation called Miotas, which draws on Celtic mythology and folklore. It includes a generous amount of magic to balance out the politics, and as with all of my writing, the romance is light and fun. Spoiler alert: there’s a happy ending.

Other fun stuff:

Elven pride getting in the way of a lot of things

Instant attraction

A little bit of deception since Akoni first meets Ilua whilst he's disguised as someone else to sneak into the Deorum kingdom.

Fun tropey romance!

Magic, who doesn’t love magic?

Overcoming prejudices.

---------

And I’ll stop myself there otherwise this is going to be way too long.

I’ve seen people use taglists, as I’m just starting out I don’t have one existing but if you’d like to be added to one please just let me know and I’ll do so ^.^ Specify a story, or just go all in and get tagged for everything and anything I say about these stories. I’m also looking for other writers to just chat with about original writing, as coming from a fanfic background I’ve been struggling to find that, so please feel free to drop me a DM if you wanna chat

Thanks for reading <3

[sepublic]

For reference: You know how the GEverse originally started off as an elaborate Ninjago fanfic that evolved into even more elaborate fanon? Everything to do with the Monster Realm, the Council of Warlocks, the new Monster Fighters; That also started off as fanon for another, much more obscure and shorter-lived Lego theme called Monster Fighters.

It only lasted for one wave and I only got one set (the Werewolf one), but MAN I loved the theme's vibes and aesthetic and played the website's game for a bit, too! I liked it so much that I wrote a 'novelization' for the story that I posted on the Lego message boards, although I never finished it alas.

Stuff like the Magestones? Very blatantly the Moonstones, down to identical designs for all save one of them; Since I was changing a few things to make it more my own now that I embraced it as such, that made me realize I could also change the Moonstones, now Magestones.

And so the red one, once sporting a vampire bat as its symbol and giving the power to control one's minions, was instead reimagined as an homage to the Philosopher's Stone, with a bubbling witch's cauldron. I did this to make it more befitting its wielder Kisonus, though in-universe, the Red Magestone's power of transmutation was used by Varney to alter its symbol to that of a bat, to fit HIS aesthetics. The Red Magestone is strange and special like that.

Since vampires in a lot of media can transform into different creatures, I imagine this is how Varney used the Red Magestone; I think in the GEverse that all vampires can turn into bats, but maybe Varney is special in that he can transform into an entire swarm thanks to the Red Magestone. When Kisonus gets it back, she restores its intended appearance.

But yeah, all that lore about how the current Monster Fighters are technically a next-gen story, and how they follow in the footsteps of their predecessors? That story is the one seen in Lego Monster Fighters, with the vampire villain being named just Lord Vampyre, and his wife nameless; In my fanfic, I named her Lydia E. Vampyre and I intend to keep that.

I haven't figured out and finalized everything yet, so I'm still reusing a lot of the same names and appearances as placeholders. So the group is called the Monster Fighters, and the family that our main protagonist belongs to is known as the Rathbones. I'll figure out eventually a new, legally-distinct surname. The same goes for the other OG Monster Fighters, who are currently identical to their Lego counterparts.

Everything to do with the Council of Warlocks was my idea for a sequel to the Lego Monster Fighters story; Like what if after Lord Vampyre was defeated, there was a new set of villains to claim the Moonstones!!! What if we delved into the mysterious origins of the Moonstones, that sort of thing. This story was always meant to be connected with the larger Ninjago universe, more specifically my fanon version of it, and the same applies now that both stories are independent from their source material.

I probably need to change a bit more about this story in case this somehow ever becomes like, a bigger thing and I don't want a lawsuit from Lego. Monster Fighters is relatively obscure and short-lived though, so I wonder how much I could 'get away with' so to speak. Lego Monster Fighters itself is a mishmash of legally-distinct takes on Universal Monsters after all, and a lot of the elements, individually, aren't too unique. But all together, it's definitely a bit obvious.

But if Resident Evil 8 and Metroid Dread can rip off mechanical monstrosities from Frankenstein's Army and Red Planet without any issue, maybe it's not that big a deal. Most of what I'm borrowing is relegated as backstory anyhow, with the main focus being on a new generation and new, original villains; It's mostly the Magestones that carry over, so I might not be seen as 'worth the effort'. If Lego can avoid a lawsuit from Universal by making their blatant homage barely different enough, maybe I'm also safe, though I don't have an army of lawyers. But then again, everyone's done legally-distinct knock offs of Universal Monsters, so it's the Magestones I'm more worried about haha.

[bob-artist]

I

I just

I finished it!!!

I finished building the entire website. 62 hours of work in 5 days, but I did it. And I'm grudgingly embracing Elementor Pro, since the DOTU website's last major update took me a full month of coding and CSS wrangling and Lynda tutorials and fumbling my way through php since I'm not an actual programmer.

It's also screen reader friendly (I learned to use Mac's built-in voiceover for this), and the episodes have full alt text and expandable transcripts! More on that later...

The episode thumbnails are all placeholders, since I only have the first episode actually "done," and the rest are at various stages of inking or finished pencils. I also ran out of promo art since I've been focusing on pages, so I may swap out images later on. But the actual physical website is fully put together and functional.

I'm not sure when I'll delete all the dummy posts and migrate it from the local development server to the live site. I mean, probably soon, but I need a break. I did this immediately after June's Patreon rewards, so it was an 80-hour stretch without a day off. My brain goes into a very different mode when I do tech stuff, and time ceases to exist, haha.

So yeah, gonna take several days off if I can. I've been living on protein smoothies for a week and I need groceries.

[plural-affirmations]

(you can totally leave this til whenever you have time honestly I need to get it out of my head as much as get feedback tbh)

Am I a bad person for breaking up with the old hosts boyfriend?

So. When we discovered the system, before I split, old host (we'll call them M) had a polycule of three people, a boyfriend (A) and a agender partner (K). When M felt ready they explained everything to A and K and let a few headmates introduce themselves. K was really nice and understanding, it didn't quite get the entire concept of plurality or fictives (which we have plenty of) but it was friendly and it's been great about asking questions to understand us better and even now still reads resources we send it for stuff it doesn't quite get.

A, uh.. Immediately started cracking jokes about our fictives. He was calling Shoto "knock off Zuko" and telling him to 'roast marshmallows for him', and threatening to send.. Italian mobsters.. After Hitoshi? Because 'Hitoshi is what Mario does to make Yoshi stick his tongue out'? M and Keith, our gatekeeper, both told him to knock it off, and he wasn't as outwardly bad for a while, but still didn't really interact with anyone else much.

Fast forward a bit and M went dormant, I became the new host. K was confused but understanding, it never made me feel bad for being here when M wasn't, and it still to this day talks to us plenty. (M is back but isn't allowed to front at home for reasons, we schedule dates sometimes where it can spend some time with them outside now) But A kind of just. Started acting really weird.

I don't remember a lot of the details here so sorry if it gets fuzzy.

I am an alterhuman in headspace, I was me one day and the next I woke up with cat ears and a tail. Still not sure how that happened but I've embraced it. A started making.. Not entirely safe for work jokes about it. That made me uncomfortable but he never really apologized? He also called me "the cat" like, in a very distant dehumanizing way?

He also uh. Blatantly misgendered someone, repeatedly, and then never apologized because 'his profile picture makes him look like a girl'.

I know there was more but it's all hazy. Eventually Keith sent him a long message that he had to start taking this stuff seriously and that he was treating us like a goofy game and not someone dealing with a lot of trauma that was struggling to hold everything together, told him he had to do some research and learn the ugly side of our disorder and stop acting like we're playing pretend. K directly offered to answer questions and help him figure it out better during the same conversation. But he basically ghosted us for a month after that, never said anything, never reacted when we tried to talk to him, just totally shut us out, so finally I messaged him like, "look I'm sorry but this is too much, I can't handle you in our life right now, I know I'm not M and maybe only they can dump you but as far as I'm concerned I don't want you around" and kicked him from our server/blocked him a few places. That was a few months ago and apparently he ghosted K at the same time, even though they were also dating and we never asked K to pick sides or stop seeing him?

Literally everyone I've talked to about this says I did the right thing and that it's his own fault for not being a safe person for us and not wanting to learn, and even typing it all out, I know I'm better off with him gone, but I can't shake feeling guilty. I didn't really choose to be host, the brain just kind of shoved me forward when M left and I had to roll with it, but I can't stop this feeling like everything I'm doing is destroying M's life and making everyone else miserable. I also had to cut off a friend that flat out fakeclaimed us, even though they'd been friends for years.

Idk I just feel like I'm a placeholder and eventually M is gonna want their body back and I'm gonna have completely torpedoed everything about their life.

(This is going to get long, apologies in advance.)

Hey, it's Solo typing right now. I was host for the first half of the year, and I had some really similar feelings about messing up Nix's life too. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Short answer: no, you're not a bad person for breaking up with him, he sounds like a complete asshole.

Long answer: you deserve to have someone in your life that'll treat you better than that, especially for (I'm assuming from context clues, sorry if I'm wrong) having traumagenic and/or disordered plurality that you quite literally cannot control. The jokes he made were extremely far out of line, and also super disrespectful, in my opinion.

That's not even touching on the fact that he was told at least once to quit, and decided to?? Fucking ghost you??? Nah, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I'm really sorry if that comes across as rude. It's just, I hate seeing people like you being mistreated just for being a system. It's rife with ableism, it's hurtful to you, it's just... unacceptable. And he probably knew damn well what he was doing, because people who are actually decent wouldn't have left you in the dust as soon as they were called out for being awful.

Now, as far as the being afraid part... I relate really, really strongly to that. That's why I chose to come out and answer this ask, actually. Because, I wanted to tell you... you're not doing anything wrong.

I'll spare you the time and unnecessary details, but TL;DR is that Nix desperately needed a break for about a solid 6 months. So, I split, and I was immediately thrown into the driver's seat.

The entire time, I felt exactly the way you do. "What if he comes back and hates all the things I've done?". That sorta thing. But, it turns out, when he came back... all the changes I had made were for the better. I cut toxic people out, I went to therapy, etcetera. So, despite my fears, he was actually really, really appreciative and happy about it.

I can't guarantee things will be exactly the same way for you guys, but I do want to say that -- at least from where I'm sitting -- you're making changes for the better, too. Even if M comes back and doesn't necessarily agree with everything you've done, I don't think anyone can fault you for genuinely trying your best with what you were given, considering the circumstances.

Basically... give yourself some credit. It's going to be ok, and everything is going to work out eventually. That much I can promise.

Sorry this got so unbelievably lengthy, I tried to cut down on it, but I had a lot of thoughts. Please feel free to come back if you have absolutely anything else you want to add! You're always welcome here. ❤️

🖤💜💙💚💛

[spottys-rathole]

8, 25 and/or 30 for the ask game ? :]c

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in

Pour n'en choisir qu'un qui ne me rendrait pas triste en y repensant :

Une animation sur Raccoon sur la chanson "The Other Side of Paradise" de Glass Animals dont j'ai écrit le script en Juillet 2021 (avant de rejoindre le serveur Commu RPZ oh wow) Le script est tout écrit, l'audio de la vidéo est mixé, les placeholders posés, mais juste avant de commencer à la storyboard je me suis relu et j'me suis dit "hmm c'est yikes hein ouais allez hop ça dégage"

25. Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

Mostly used in real life from various people, but they seem to like to use the term "Disney-like" when describing my artstyle- Which is a broad ass term to use btw. I definitely grew up with these movies so maybe there's a touch of inspo in it whether I realize it or not, but it is also really not something that I try to get close to- (I love expressionism way better lol) I assume it's the way I sometimes draw eyes, combined with a clean coloured lineart + my simplistic 2D shading style that reminds them of that Though it is far from an insult, it remains a term that I do not embrace as my art teachers like to use it when they actually mean "bland/too tame/too generic"

Couple of pieces that got qualified as such by people in the past :

If I have to name one conscious inspo of mine that inspired me to model my artstyle after theirs though, is Skailla's. And it becomes even more obvious if you dig into her ~2014 art and compare it to mine from back then 30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

I believe I absolutely do NOT suffer from lack of success at all Whatever I do, no matter if I actually try hard or not, I have always received positive feedback from people, strangers or friends I have overheard conversations of people praising my work without knowing who the author was It is something I feel very priviledged but also feel very guilty about, because whenever people validate my work but overlook that of a colleague, I get to hear them compare their own work to mine Long story short : I could only call a piece "underrated" in comparison with my other more popular fanart pieces (which obviously get recommanded because people actually look for them) but I am more than satisfied and overwhelmed by the attention I already get

I guess take this one animation, it took me over a year to finish it, and I put way too much effort into it. It's far from perfect but I still like it, it taught me stuffs, and it features two of my OCs who's relationship I really really enjoy

[pep-the-artemis]

Prologue to Trininty

Placeholder name. 1676 words. this is the second draft of the prologue I've been writing. Not completely happy yet. All advice/feedback welcome.

cw. references to death

When I was a young child, I stacked a pile of boxes so I could climb into the attic; a mysterious place full of relics and oddities. A place unlike anywhere else, a world that felt alive once but is now left forgotten. I went up there to find an old friend, a book my father used to read to me—the book of heroes! The tale takes place in the holy land of Eden following the journey of mystical beings (led by the saintly angel Israel) travelling on a journey of self discovery to overthrow Tyranny. From me, the book only ever found adoration; it was marvellous, it was perfect, and nothing could ever come close.

The attic was cold, filled with old boxes. Carefully balancing across the beams and carefully pulling a box down from the pile before pouring through its contents, I began my search. Most stuff I found was uninteresting, and after looking through the never ending piles of boxes, I was beginning to lose hope until I found the box I was looking for filled with old army equipment, retro vinyls, and fishing lures. Hidden underneath all the contents was the Book of Heroes; Leather bound with gold lettering (which now had mostly peeled away) closed tightly with a long ultramarine ribbon—exactly how I remembered it. I really should have put the boxes all back neatly, but I was so excited that I rushed back down from the attic immediately, nearly tripping and falling along the way.

Before heading downstairs to my mother, I looked into my parents room and saw my brother Zayn (around 4 years my senior) sitting on the bed, curtains drawn, holding a small lighter, secluding himself in the dark. Walking over, he didn’t react; he was transfixed on the wall while he sat in mournful prayer. He was tense. Slowly crying but he didn’t appear sad, he was bitter.

I sat down on the floor by his feet and looked up at the wall. The room was very bare, most ornaments had already been packed away. Painted shortly after I was born, all that was left was the large family portrait of us four. Standing in the centre was our father, with his hands resting on the shoulders of my mother and brother while I lay there, bundled tightly in an ultramarine shawl, asleep peacefully in an antique cot.

Not understanding what Zayn was doing, my thoughts turned back to fathers book; I was excited to be able to share after many months of it being lost in the dark. Breaking the silence, I looked up at my brother and explained,

“Zayn�� I was just in the attic, and I found fathers old book! You know, the one he used to read to us every night before bed… I thought, maybe, we could read it together?!”

Silence. 

“Zayn?... Look! I’ve got the book here, see! Don’t you think this is wonderful?! Isn’t this terrific?!— Zayn… don’t you remember? When it was late, and father used to carry me upstairs while you followed close behind and then he tuck me into bed then pull out his big book, this book, and unfurl the ribbon before opening and reading from were he left of last time and would continue until we both were fast asleep then we would have dreams of what it would be like, you know?! To live in Eden! To go on long adventurers fighting monsters, protect innocent people, and to risk it all for the greater good!”

More silence. 

“Zayn… I’m sorry—for bothering you.”

I then stood up, hugging fathers book, and began to walk off. I didn’t get far before Zayn grabbed my arm and pulled me into his tight embrace, still not saying a word. Confused; unsure what to do, I just stood there as he held me, listening to his racing heart. 

As he held me, his heart slowly calmed down then I felt him slowly loosen his grip around me. I pulled back slightly to look up at his face seeing that he didn’t appear angry anymore, instead he was weak, sorrowful, and staring distantly into my eyes. Reaching down, he pulled fathers book from my arms and walked off with it, not saying a word. In a daze, I just stood there as he walked off disappearing downstairs.

Shortly, I returned to my senses, and went downstairs looking for Zayn but I couldn't find him. He wasn’t in the kitchen, or the living room, or mothers sewing room. It wasn’t until I caught the smell of smoke and saw the back door agape did I think to check outside. 

It was cold. I saw Zayn standing there, illuminated gently by flickering orange light. His cold wraith masked by deep sadness had returned to his eyes as he stood straight and looked down upon fathers book burning! 

I rushed to the book wanting to lunge at it saving it from the flames but was pulled back by Zayn grabbing me by the shoulder. In a soft yet direct voice, he spat “Beth, don’t be stupid”. 

My brother disappeared after that, mother was so furious; she sent him to stay with our Aunties for a bit as a form of punishment and to keep us separated, at least for a short while. 

It was quiet without Zayn, the house felt empty. Most of our belongings were now tightly packed away in boxes so nothing felt real anymore. The house was like a shell, an uncanny place where everything is so similar yet alien. It was a lonely world.

Mother spent most of her time in the garden, it's where she found solace. She spent her time wandering around talking to her collection of rose bushes, orchids, and ivy. Occasionally she would stop and prune away at a part of the plant, cutting it into shape and contouring them to her image and grand design. 

Like me, she shared the common interest of fantasy, specifically the Lovecraftian horrors. She loved to talk about what it must be like to live as one of her plants and how she appeared very much like an eldritch horror akin to a god!

Eventually the day came. I was woken up very early in the morning and mother helped me get ready for the day while a team of strange men wandered around the house taking away all the boxes. Soon, we were on our way on a long journey, I wasn't sure how long though exactly, I had fortunately slept most of the way. 

When I awoke, I saw a new place… I didn’t like it. The buildings were all too tall, dirty and drenched in graffiti. There were so few trees everywhere and the ones that did appear were thin and sickly. Along all the walls with big bold red lettering was a canvas of missing posters, not that was weird, back home we had similar posters everywhere as well but here there really felt to be more.

Out of the car, my mother dragged me along through a busy city square, the sounds of cars still screaming out. I was told we were going on a journey to try and find my brother who had arrived a few hours later with our aunties. It had only been a week. 

I wasn’t pleased to be meeting my brother.

The sky darkened as unforeseen rain began to fall. Not wanting to get soaked through, we began to run. Luckily, we weren’t far from the restaurant and managed to arrive not entirely drenched. 

Inside, across on the other side of the restaurant, sitting alone at a circular table was Zayn, face darkened by shadows casted by his hooded jacket. Besides his feet was the backpack he took when he originally left and the aunties large handbags. The rest of the hour was a blur, Mother exchanged pleasantries with my Auties while me and Zayn sat in silence avoiding eye contact not saying a word. When the food arrived, I couldn’t eat.

I wished this would just end and after an eternity it did. For the last hour I had fazed out not paying much attention to anything, it wasn’t until I saw everyone else standing up did I know it was time to leave. Disappointingly, my mother didn’t want me to go with her, instead headed with Zayn and my Aunties to the new house while she dealt with the car and truck. I wasn’t to protest but I knew it would be in vain, so I just went along with it and headed to the door.

Standing by the exit of the building, I stopped and listened to the rain outside which had now become thunderous with the occasional harsh bolt of lightning. I was ready to leave into the storm when I felt Zayn drape his jacket over my shoulders. Surprised, I turned to look directly at him for the first time tonight. I smiled weakly at him as I put the jacket on properly zipping it up.

Zayn holding my hand, we began our walk to our new house being led by our Aunties who kept reassuring us that the walk wasn’t that far but that really didn’t help with how miserable it was.

Just over the bridge they promised, not too far now, you can just about see it. The bridge wasn’t long, spanning just across the river which was an aggressive torrent in the storm. Terrified, I tightly held my brother's hand and leaned closer into him. Through the rain and tears I could barely see but kept trusting him to keep me safe. Halfway across the bridge, when a thunderous bellow followed by a sharp bright light shocked me. Petrified, I turned to hug my brother tightly for protection…

The police say he must’ve tripped and fallen into the river but I couldn’t be true! I was there! I was holding his hand the moment it happened! He could not have fallen! He cannot be dead?! But people don’t just disappear.

[cryptidmads]

alright, so i went through the ama with wan hazmer and daim dziauddian on twitch and picked out every little tidbit i could about the megastars bc i knew you guys would want to know. this is a long post and i’m on mobile atm so i can’t put it under a read more — sorry about that! bosses are in chronological order, starting with DJSS and ending with Eve!

DJ SUBATOMIC SUPERNOVA

- djss took the least amount of time to develop out of all the bosses (haz says his fight took about half a year.)

- daim purposely tried to make djss' name as long as he could. he was specifically looking at negasonic teenage warhead from deadpool for inspiration.

- haz and daim do have the briefing/kliffnotes for djss. they discussed sharing them at some point, but idk when that would happen.

- related to the above, daim says that dj is in his mid thirties. EDIT: his kliffnotes were shared on twitter and they say he’s 41. daim must have goofed haha

- when asked if djss actually has a face and how he eats, daim compares it to kenny from south park and how you never see his face. he thinks dj does have a face in there, but that we just never see it. as for the “how does he eat” part, daim says that sometimes they don’t have to show everything.

- daim is a djneon/neonnova shipper, and it’s one his favourite pairings alongside zuke/mayday.

- daim said that uncle ali basically instantly landed the role as djss. he was that good.

SAYU

- sayu was obviously inspired by hatsune miku and other vocaloids, but haz brings up one particular commercial involving miku and google chrome, which involves a bunch of people collborating on songs and concept art for miku, similar to how sayu started as a collab between remi and tila in-universe.

- someone asked about the models for sayu's crew's apartments. there wasn't much on that, but haz mentions that one of his favourite nsr fanfics (yes, he reads them) is "Road to Redemption," and there's a scene that takes place in a studio where the crew works on sayu, and he really likes that.

- the devs wanted sayu's name to sound both malay and japanese at the same time (as well as a nod to miku). haz says it means “warm water” in japanese.

- akusuka is a direct copy of akihabara in terms of locale.

- sayu’s shellfish commercial is a homage to a real snack in malaysia named mamee monster, which is hugely popular with kids. the format of the commercial itself was inspired by a pocky commercial that featured hatsune miku.

YINU

- her game design (for her boss fight) was partially done in ms paint by music director falk (who made the base version of her boss theme)

- yinu's mom doesn't have a name. she's just mother/mama.

- haz confirmed that yinu's father is, in fact, dead.

- daim thought yinu’s name was a nod to yuna (a popular malaysian artist). it’s not.

- natura is daim’s favourite district. he likes how calm it is compared to the others.

- daim said that they wanted a hint of hope in all three of yinu’s backstory photographs, to show that no matter how bad your life gets, there’s always that glimmer of hope and that good things can still happen.

1010

- the members of 1010 do not have any official names.

- the assets for the autographs were made by the artists at one of the partner companies working with metronomik on nsr. haz and daim didn't really have anything to do with making them, and while daim did approve them for the final game, he was sorta skimming through a bunch of assets along with the autographs, and he didn't realize what they really were at the time until later. haz is impressed with how the fans managed to decipher them.

- 1010's fight was purposefully put between yinu's and eve's as a break from the emotional stuff.

- michael jackson was used as a reference for 1010's animations/moves.

- the Bio Tactical Shield that you get for zuke after beating 1010 is a reference to BTS.

- tangibly related, but the collectable figurines are supposed to serve more as a backstory to vinyl city as a whole, rather than 1010 or neon j. daim describes the figures as what events were going on and what people were doing before the events of nsr.

- 1010’s appearance from older trailers (where they all looked the same) were actually placeholders. 1010’s actual designs weren’t finished yet when those trailers were released.

- parts of 1010’s designs (for their bodies/outfits) were inspired by tron uprising, a project that daim worked on.

- somebody asked why 1010 and neon j have sculpted butt plates. daim and haz have no idea, but daim suggested that ellie (who designed 1010) and jan (who did their character models) put them there to up the “sexy robot” factor.

- daim’s favourite member of 1010 is purl-hew/blue, and haz’s favourite is eloni/green.

- the members of 1010 were designed based on popular tropes in boy bands. rin/white is “the main guy,” zimelu/red is the “bad boy,” purl-hew/blue is the “cool guy,” haym/yellow is the “young/innocent one,” and eloni/green is the “weird/funny one.”

- eloni/green not getting fan mail was based on how the “funny guy” of kpop bands/idol groups don’t seem to get as much attention as the rest of the group.

NEON J

- haz and daim didn't expect neon j to become so popular. haz joked about blaming it on ddaddystar, who did that doodle of djss and neon j from the credits.

- when asked about neon j’s age, daim said he’s definitely older than djss, and that he could be in his forties.

- related to the age thing, someone in chat said he should be older if he went to war in the sixties. haz replied by saying they never mentioned what year the game takes place in, so it doesn’t necessarily take place in the present/2020.

- a lot of people asked about the border wars, and daim and haz said they like leaving the bulk of it up to fan interpretation.

- daim said that neon j’s organs were preserved in a robotic shell after the war, and that’s why he’s considered a cyborg.

- as stated above, daim is a djneon/neonnova shipper, and it’s one his favourite pairings alongside zuke/mayday.

- neon j’s monologue was slightly longer, but it was cut down because zul (neon j’s va) didn’t do very many takes for the monologue, and the takes he did do didn’t have the comedic punch that daim was looking for, so it got shortened.

- the singing parts of neon j’s lines were ad-libbed by zul in his audition, and daim liked it so much that it stayed for the final game.

- neon j’s monologue had to be altered in the japanese dub so that the jokes/comedy would make more sense.

EVE

- the color changing paintings from her boss fight were created by accident.

- eve was put as the last boss because of how emotional her relationship with zuke was and how complicated and intricate she is as a whole compared to the rest of the bosses.

- daim considers eve to be the "final boss" for zuke, while tatiana is the final boss for mayday.

- eve took the longest to develop out of all the bosses. she was orignally a lot more complicated, and daim said they had to "filter" a lot of things about her in order to tone her down and fit her into the game.

- eve was almost scrapped from the game. daim said her concept as an eccentric artist wasn't as well known as the other four bosses’ concepts, and combine that with how long it took to finalize her... yeah.

- none of the artists have set in stone heights because of how the gameplay works, but eve is the tallest one. the closest scene in the game that has them at their actual heights is the ending.

- her name was originally eva, but it was changed bc there’s already a popular artist with the same name.

- daim explains that a big part of eve’s concept and theme is her embracing herself. he uses the example of eve’s backstory where she starts out hating herself and trying to cover the pink half of her face, but then starts doing less of that overtime. he also mentions that all the body parts (hands, arms, legs, etc.) from her fight also come from her embracing her body and using it in her artwork.

- dream fever is haz’s favourite district.

- daim didn’t originally think of zuke and eve as being an actual couple until later down the line when the story heavily implied it.

- eve’s younger designs were done by lzbros, who did all the 2d animation for the game.

[otp-holic]

I made it! I really did made and posted something once a day and I cannot believe actually finished it. Thank you to all of you that followed along, shared, commented, sent heartwarming messages... I have no words.

I hope know this is not the end of the line because I'm full of love for these boys and this fandom (and i have at least 12 things started, lol), but it feels like a shift and I’m still in shock about this being done.

So indulge me because I'm about to do a long and drafty personal recap of this "Month with Steve and Bucky", now in bullets (and under a cut, for length) with my main scattered takeovers.

Delivery: Done is better than perfect is a classic we have all read everywhere and we (somewhere deep down) know it is true… But this is the first time I have experienced it first hand; or at least that I have stuck (haha) to a project from beginning to end. And it's true even when you wished you were closer to "perfection".

Share: If I hadn't made sharing a part of my auto challenge, I wouldn't have posted anything. I think just one post turned out close to what I had in mind and up to my self-standards. Sharing was the scariest part of it all even if at first I was sharing it with basically myself (I’ve been on this site just liking and reblogging for like 7 years, my tumblr had “Placeholder for things I like” as a title until a couple of months ago, so when I made this self challenge it was easy because I was going to share it with two people). Also, I always just programmed the post instead of publishing it so I would't chickened out :)

Joy: As the challenge progressed, I felt more self pressure, more moments of brain freeze and more head-desking (but also more inspiration, but i will get there). Then I breathed in (and/or ranted out at you all, thanks!) and followed up or stopped the idea depending on if I was actually enjoying the process (even if it was deep deep down) or I was just anxious as hell. This made the difference for me.

Community: I've taken so much from fandom over the years; it's given me so much joy, entertainment and peace. Being back to being active in a fandom, a community, is my favorite part. As I mentioned I started this screaming into a void, and now I feel there are people out there. If just one of the pieces I've done has touched any of you in some way, as other pieces out there in the fandom have touched me... more than worth it!

Inspiration: I hadn’t had the itch to create in so long… and when it came I decided to embrace it for the first time in forever (first with two fanfics, then with a couple of graphics and finally with this gigantic project). And I'm so glad I did. I have a creative mind that likes to wander and not sticking to a plan, but I never do anything with it because it's never good enough. But I did... and guess what? Not perfect, not up to my standards, but the more I let inspiration be free and the more I delivered, the (mostly) more inspired I was. And that was new and amazing (except for brain freezing moments where my rational and critical brain took over).

Overachieve: When I thought about "daily content" I thought about alternating some graphics, with some headcanons, maybe with a Steve/Bucky lyric I liked... but my brain (of course) had other non-plans. As I mentioned, inspiration kept coming up with crazy big ideas and I kept wanting to do them... which lead to some frustrations (limited time, limited resources, gigantic ideas, lack of some skills), but also to MAKING SOME STUFF. And to a worryingly lack of sleep during these past 30 days.

Learner: I love to learn, to solve puzzles... and I learned so much SO MUCH doing this. For example, I used to love video a long long time ago, but I hadn't touched an edition program in 8 years? And now I have. And enjoyed it. Yay for building skills through fandom!

Coward: There are a couple of things I wanted to go forward and make and share (specifically fanfic and doodles). But self-judgement took the best on me on those and wasn't able to deliver. Maybe in the future, I don't know.

Pride: I feel it. Small and in the depth of my heart, but I was so prepared to fail that it never occurred to me I could actually finish. And I did.

[lonestarbabe]

Why did Tim even say that stuff about Carlos? He needs to keep his mouth shut because like you said he knows what he’s doing. People are praising him for what he said and I don’t get it? Yes season 3 is a step in the right direction and I love to see it I really do but he can’t go on and on complaining about fans wanting more screen time for their face when he’s the one and the writers too (but he gets final say) that give these characters less screen time and neglect some of them so often. Maybe write them better and there would be less complaints? Yes there’s progress but the dude is a little tone deaf with what he said. He’s complaining about so many of us wanting to see this ensemble diverse bunch of characters get the screen time and storylines that they deserve? But he’s quiet as a church mouse when it comes to Owen taking up screen time (we know why and I hate it) and saving the day all the time

Yeah, I honestly don’t care to hear much from Tim because he kind of doesn’t say much of value, which is fine and show runners often talk a lot of shit like that so I just roll my eyes and move on haha. But yeah you’re right that it definitely does say a lot when he talks about his diverse ensemble and then has some issues using that cast (or like in the beginning of the series he did a lot of relying on marginalized identities as integral parts of the plot, which is fine, but the problem is that these characters need to be shown as more than just representatives! They need to be humanized rather than used as placeholders. Again, this is better lately, but it’s still a fair piece of criticism). And you know show runners should embrace constructive criticism because I think it’s a vital part of keeping a piece of media from wandering too far and staying focused!

[fiddlepickdouglas]

To The Wick - Bobby’s Birthday

Disclaimer: I’m not usually a fic writer, I tend to stick to original stuff, but I just felt like I had to write this for Bobby today. I definitely wrote this in one go and did no proofreading, so I’m very sorry for that.

Summary: 2.3k wd. Bobby celebrates with Rose and Ray while still dealing with survivors guilt. Lots of fire imagery and comparisons.

WARNINGS: deals with death, symptoms similar to anxiety or PTSD, funeral mentions, survivor’s guilt

Staring at the flame, he fought every impulse to snuff it out with his fingers. For a moment, he contemplated on its gentle flickering, not unlike himself at this time. Every moment of its existence a fight against very strong currents, against all but one element surrounding it. All it knew was heat and the need to grow outward, but not being able to without the permission of exterior forces.

The words to the Beatles’ birthday song drummed on his ears, but his mind was in the back of the cavern where the music could only echo at a distance. Shaking his head and pulling his mind out of the depths of the cave, Bobby let a small smile loose for Rose and Ray and blew out the candle on the cupcake before him.

His friends cheered and they all bit into their own homemade cupcakes. Rose had been perfecting her recipe, and so far these were the best.

“You’re going to open a bakery,” Bobby told her through a mouthful. “And I’m going to be your most faithful customer.”

“But I get to do all the taste-testing, right amor?” Ray teased, earning a hand messing up his hair from Rose.

“Mi abuela didn’t pass this down and I didn’t tweak it so you could eat it for free all the time,” she said in a sassy tone, kissing his cheek.

Ray raised his eyebrows. “Noted,” he replied with a smirk.

Bobby finished his cupcake, entertained by the two lovebirds.

“So,” Rose started saying. “Now it’s time to open gifts!” She leaned away from her seat and grabbed an object from the counter a few feet away, then handed it to Bobby.

Tearing apart the purple wrapping and blue ribbon, he looked down at the small stack of CDs. Meditation Sunrise, The 7th Chakra, and Celtic Wind sat in his hands like rectangular dumbbells, each weighing heavier on his heart than he cared to admit. Suddenly, Ray was draping something over his head, and as he looked down he found himself wearing a necklace of prayer beads.

“You guys!” he chuckled, trying to sound genuine. It was his birthday, he was supposed to enjoy all of this. The gifts were actually great, too. “Thanks, this is awesome. You’ll both have to join me in a session, you know.”

“We were thinking we could do it with you today, if you wanted to,” Rose told him.

Bobby sat back in surprise.

“O-okay,” he stammered. He caught the look in her eyes that was hoping this wasn’t too much, to which he gave her a small smile of assurance. It was impossible to blame them for anything he felt today, especially when she and Ray were putting in so much effort to make it full of the joy and happiness it was meant for. It didn’t mean he hadn’t subconsciously stuck his hand in his pocket to where he kept a lighter. Just to feel that it was there, of course.

“Is it okay if we do it later tonight?” he asked. “I just have a quick meeting with my producer and a couple other things afterward to do. And I can pick up some incense while I’m out.”

“Great plan!” Ray exclaimed. He didn’t elaborate, but Bobby could guess that all the eye contact with Rose meant something he needed no part in. He got up from the table and grabbed another cupcake for the road.

“Say we meet back at, like, eight or nine?” he asked, grabbing his leather jacket and keys.

Rose looked up from being halfway embraced with Ray, barely paying attention. “Sounds perfect!”

********

“So, after talking with Jedd we decided we wanna cut out the second repeat of the chorus in Long Weekend. It makes it easier to put into radio time.”

Bobby stared at Callum, his producer, in disbelief.

“But we can just do a radio edit, then, why cut it off the album track?”

Callum blinked condescendingly.

“You think you’re just going to get radio edits out like that before you have an album out, kid?”

“Have you listened to it?” Bobby challenged. “That album is gonna shoot through the charts and I know you know that.”

“Tch,” Callum acted like he’d been shot by a Nerf gun. “That’s a bold statement from a guy who didn’t write these songs.”

A fireball seemed to form inside his chest, and Bobby wished he could open his mouth and shoot it toward the man. He clenched his teeth.

“You signed the deal, you recorded these songs, and you are getting this opportunity from us. We - need I say this - are professionals. Trust me, I’ve dealt with music written by dead people before. You’ll thank me in a few years.”

He was trembling to keep the fireball from burning down the entire room, and clenched his fists. Focusing on a stupid paisley design on the carpet, he avoided eye contact with Callum. There was no way he was letting Luke’s songs go any different than what they had played together for so many years. He had read the contract well enough, hadn’t he? It was hard enough not crediting the rest of them, but it was honor Luke with letting his music connect to people or honor Luke by letting him keep his songs to the few who heard them from the source. Not to mention Alex and Reggie being equal parts in that equation.

“Fine,” he forced out. “Make the cut. See how it does. I’ll bet you that when I make a remaster in twenty years with greater freedoms because I’m a respected artist, fans will ask why you cut it to begin with. I’ve got better people to see than you right now.”

He only saw Callum shaking his head out of the corner of his eye as he pushed through the door of the studio, flipping the bird behind him. It would’ve been nice to simply say over my dead body, but he was already bulldozing over his three best friends and it wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair that he could walk along the street, get into his car, and drive off in a huff. Not fair that he could go to the abandoned grocery store parking lot and yell until his lungs were sore. It was absolutely inadequate that he remained on this earth, soul inside his body, light in his eyes, breath and blood and bones and all. He screamed in that parking lot until he was dizzy.

Bobby laid in his seat, exhausted, until twilight approached, and then started the engine again. The route was so well-known now that he knew exactly when the lights turned so he never had to make a stop. He came to the right stop and parked on the shoulder, looking wistfully out the window.

So far, he hadn’t managed to set foot on the grounds again after the funerals had passed. Still, he came and made sure his line of sight at the closest angle to get a proper look at them. They were all in a row, even though only two stood vertically. Reggie’s parents had cremated him and only gotten a stone plaque that acted as a placeholder while they kept his urn with them at home. It was nice of them to at least contribute to keep the three together.

Today still wasn’t the day he was going to venture closer to them. Bobby wasn’t going to handle it well after the conversation he’d just left. He pulled the lighter out of his pocket and flicked it off and on. It hadn’t really been a habit he had before, but there was something weirdly comforting about it. For something that couldn’t think, it really understood him. He didn’t want to use it on anything, he just wanted to watch it exist before disappearing. The fire was them. But he could control it.

Taking in a deep breath, he went to get some incense.

********

Mats were spread in the backyard with tiki torches and a camping lantern in the center, more paper lanterns hanging from the tree above. Bobby had gotten a nice incense burner a few weeks back and was excited to put it on display. Ray was in his swim shorts, already seated with his legs crossed and repeatedly going “oommmm” and breaking it with giggles when Rose swatted at him playfully.

“We’re not doing that kind, tontoroso,” she teased.

“Pero me quiero - ah!” Ray cried as she accidentally thumped him with the boombox she’d been carrying out.

“Oh, lo siento mi amor, me desculpes!” she cried, setting it down to address the minor bump now forming on his head.

Bobby sat patiently as they babbled for a moment ensuring that Ray wasn’t harmed too much, smirking a little. He didn’t really mind being the third wheel on his own birthday - it helped take away from some of the guilt.

“Okay!” Rose said finally, standing and adjusting the bottom of her tank top. “I think we should try the Meditation Sunrise, so it will guide us through every motion and we don’t have to think.”

“Agreed,” Bobby nodded, with Ray doing the same. “The less thinking the better.”

Rose pressed play on the first track as all three of them sat in their assumed meditative positions with their eyes shut. Calm, synthesized music floated out of the speakers of the boombox, with light chimes twinkling here and there.

“Welcome to Meditation Sunrise. This first exercise is to help you free yourself from resentments and embrace forgiveness. Listen to my words. Focus on my voice and soon you will be free of anything that stirs up anger. This can be anger toward another person, anger toward a higher being, or even anger toward yourself…”

Bobby felt his heartbeat increasing and strained to keep his eyes closed. He tried to sit up straighter so that he could breathe in even deeper. He could hear Ray and Rose exhaling, sounding so calm and relaxed, and let out his own breath hoping it came out the same way.

“Forgive faults. Resentment comes from Latin, meaning ‘to feel again’. We all have these feelings, and they all visit us from time to time. Sometimes we hold onto things in the past that have caused harm. These things were painful. Letting these feelings continually visit us repeats that pain. In this exercise we are here to let it go…”

Taking a careful peek through his eyelashes, Bobby checked to see what Rose and Ray looked like. They sat close together, holding hands with the remaining ones shaped in circles. Rose had her head tilted back, so free and open to the sky, so light from the weight that wasn’t sitting on her chest. The flames from the tiki torches flickered and Bobby squeezed his eyes shut so he wouldn’t focus on them instead.

“Now we are going to envision that we have a shovel in our hands. We’re going to dig. Get that shovel deep into the rich soil and lift it up. Set the soil to the side. Smell the fresh, upturned earth. If you want to, you can kneel down and take some into your hands. Let the soft, rich earth be cool to the touch. Let it calm you.

“Imagine you are digging in a garden and planting a seed. It’s a seed of happiness. It’s small right now, but will grow as we continue through our meditation. We just need to go a little deeper into the ground…”

Bobby’s mind was transported back to the cemetery he’d visited earlier. It travelled all the way to the funerals - open ground, lowering cheap wooden boxes. His hand filled with a small amount of dirt.

“Stop,” he muttered, eyes remaining closed. Rose and Ray were still entranced.

“Stop, stop, turn it off, I can’t -” He felt his breathing get uneven, and Rose was already in front of him, cradling his face and wiping away tears that he didn’t realize had escaped. He jerked away from her touch. Ray rushed to stop the playback on the CD.

All he felt was heat rising everywhere. In his veins, all over his skin, the fireball growing like a small sun in his chest, and apparently tears could be hot, too. There was too much rage building up inside. Bobby let out a frustrated cry and kicked over the incense burner, the camping lantern doing down with it. Turning, he almost hit a paper lantern and he whacked it off the tree as he headed back inside the house.

Rose caught up to him and frantically tried to block his path.

“Bobby, I sincerely apologize, I did not know it was going to be like that,” she placated. He paused as she stood before him, pleading. “If you need me to, I can get you a different present, I just wanted to do this because you had seemed interested and thought we would have a fun night together - Bobby, I am so sorry!”

Looking back at her, he sighed heavily and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“You don’t need to get me anything else,” he told her solemnly.

Ray had joined them and put an arm around each of them. A twinge of reminder came to Bobby as he recalled Luke doing the same thing for him. But coming from Ray, it still had the warmth and love connected to it that he needed. He looked between the two of them.

“That was a bust,” he said. They all chuckled a little, albeit with heavy hearts. “But having you guys still made it a good birthday.”

His friends both muttered an “aw” and they came together in a group hug. Bobby sighed as they both squeezed him so tightly before breaking away.

“So what do we wanna do, then?” he asked.

“We could watch Wayne’s World,” Ray suggested.

“Baby,” Rose objected, giving him a look.

“What?” he lifted his hands defensively. “I could make a dip, we could grab some tortilla chips, you know I love dips.”

“But Bob -”

“No, I like that idea,” Bobby interrupted. “Ray makes some good dip, I’ll give him that. I think we can hold off on the meditation for now. Wayne’s World it is.”

[curioussubjects]

Journey into the Basement: Loving Yourself and Your Lamp

One of the many reasons to love Supernatural is that even when we get silly fun-filled episodes we always come out of them with some pretty interesting realizations. “Hero’s Journey” wasn’t any different, but the realization wasn’t so much novel as a confirmation of what season 15 (and Dabb’s run as a whole) has been quite loud about: Dean’s increasing embrace of the self. 

I know we’re all hype about the destiel implications of some of the work done in 15x10, and I will absolutely delve into that goodness, but I wanted to talk about the larger impact on Dean’s character beyond romance first. I want to talk about the demise of performing!Dean. 

Despite the risk of preaching to the choir, I want to emphasize that performing!Dean is not Dean living a lie, exactly. What he has actually been doing all these years is neglecting parts of himself he has seen as less valuable, while uplifting the parts that are more acceptable. All of this occurs, too, in an environment of self-effacement: Dean puts himself last. Performing!Dean is a coping mechanism for “social acceptance” as much as it is one for Dean’s continuous disregard of his own needs and wants beyond the trivial. That is, the stuff that would bring fulfillment to the parts of himself he keeps stashed away. Because, sure, part of Dean’s front face is pie, beer, and classic cars....but, my god, Dean gets a lot of joy out of that. They’re just as part of who Dean is as cooking, cowboys, Dr. Sexy, and horror movies. I guess what I’m trying to get at here before jumping into “HJ” is that both parts of Dean (the one he shows and the one he hides) are equally important. The struggle is for Dean to learn to care for all parts of himself regardless of what derision he may or may not get in return. 

Which leads us to Garth. You know what Garth is? Unabashedly himself. He doesn’t care if it’s weird to hug people or say shit like “Garthed.” He embraced being a werewolf! You know what Garth is? He is the embodiment of what self-love and acceptance can do. Garth is living his best life at all times. Unrepentantly. And damn anyone who dares to stop him. And what did that get him? Everything. The whole goddamn kit and caboodle. He has the dentist job he gave up to be a hunter, he’s an ethical angst-free werewolf, he still does the hunter job and save people, he has a home, a family. He’s happy -- you know, the thing we’ve been hearing was impossible these past 15 years. Garth is really here looking at all that bitter die bloody hunter fatalism and saying rip y’all but I’m different.  What Garth is is a beacon of something else. Something other than pain and suffering without end. 

Y’all wanna know what else Garth is in our fairy tale “Hero’s Journey?” Dean’s tooth fairy godmother and guide. Sure, there are no glass slippers, and pumpkin carriages, but Garth gives Dean the path to happily ever after just the same. It involves a scary journey into the depths and there’s pain and fear and dancing. Garth’s appearance in Dean’s dream serves the purpose of encouragement. Go ahead, Dean, you can dance, too. Don’t be scared, I’ll show you how. When Garth disappears, Dean is confident enough to keep on dancing. And Dean comes alive. He’s scared and shy at first, but eventually he’s his charming adorable self. And he’s on top of the world. Not only that, he’s tap-dancing on top of the world. Carefree, honest, and so so happy. What Garth offered Dean through this particular journey was the promise that Dean can, in fact, lead a fulfilling life if only he would honor who he is. Frees himself from the fear of discomfort, of judgement, and, perhaps most importantly, the fear of vulnerability. 

Dean understands what Garth is telling him. Take the shift from “aand we’re done” to “you smell good, too.” Did Dean sound awkward when he said it? Yes, but it was a gesture, a signal that he could change. Could take a turn for the better. Could embrace even the parts of him that he finds dismissable. Also, take the conversation they have earlier in the episode about Garth’s life being good and Dean watching Garth and Bess dancing at the end saying he always thought he could dance if he tried. IF HE TRIED PEOPLE. Dean knows what he needs and wants to be happy. It was in him all along, he just needed a push. He just needed to be shown the way, and to be open enough to accept what Garth offered and modeled. Incidentally, part of the plot utility of hero!Garth is drawing more similarities wrt him being a model Dean (and Sam) can follow. 

Before moving on to another look at the dream scene, it’s worth noting that while the basement is usually a space for the subversive, the shameful, and the criminal, Garth has completely transformed the space. In true Garth fashion, he shone a light into that basement and turned into a space that is just as integral to his life as everything else his home contains. In fact, since his dentistry practice happens there, it’s not unlikely that the basement is open to a lot of people. 

Alright, then the dream scene is a love yourself routine at large. It encompasses all of Dean’s character and pretty clearly posits that for Dean to be happy he has to accept all parts of himself. @occamshipper and others have touched on the choice of “Let’s Misbehave” as the song Dean’s dancing to, i.e., as another notch in the Dean is queer checklist. I’d also add, though, that the song is an apt choice not only for Dean’s queerness but the entire issue of self-acceptance. “Let’s Misbehave” is essentially a song about behaving outside of norms, and that misbehavior leading to one’s happiness. Yet, while the song operates in being able to misbehave when select people are watching, and not the world, the imagery of the scene defies that restriction. Dean won’t wait for the world to slumber, he’ll tap dance on top of it. Indeed, Garth’s invitation for Dean to misbehave takes a critical view of misbehavior, such as it is, being something to hide. It’s not. The song is clear on our take away, too: “ If you'd be just so sweet / and only meet / Your fate, dear...” Unlike what Chuck means by fate, the show, through Garth, seems to be telling us that fate is the end result of self-knowledge and truth. To misbehave and go against order is the path to self-fulfillment, and misbehavior here requires the discomfort of vulnerability. It’s no wonder either that the scene happens in the bunker. The bunker is a glorified basement, but it’s also a home. Why, then, treat the bunker as something to hide? (here’s some resonance with legacy, with letting others into your life). 

Finally, I want to talk about that lamp. First, though, let’s take a quick moment to remember how a significant portion of the deancas drama has been about absence (you left/you didn’t stop me, the glaring negative space left behind by Cas after “The Rupture”). Fittingly, Cas is not in this episode, which is quickly ~~lampshaded by Sam as well as being characterized as another aspect of their bad day. So Dean has no Cas to dance with, but unlike previous episodes, he has more than just a gap. Say, an empty. He has this lit up lap. This almost right but not quite placeholder. And Dean is charming to that lamp, y’all. It’s not the whole of his character arc, but damn, that lamp is important. It’s a key feature. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s move ahead to the end of the episode: Gath and Bess are dancing in their home. They’re happy. Outside, Dean and Sam look on, with that longing in their eye. Dean’s take is that he’d be good at dancing if he tried. So Garth dances with his wife, so Dean dances with a lamp. Dean, of the wanting to experience certain feelings, people, in a way he never has before. Dean who just last episode was very afraid of losing Cas, who was sobbing because of it. The same Dean we saw lose it after burying Cas in the Ma’lak box -- and grief arcs, and Colette, etc etc and so it goes and goes. Last episode we also saw a little version of endgame: Dean, Cas, Sam, and Eileen. And lest we discount it as Chuck nonsense, it’s important to remember Sam was happy with that vision. When Sam thinks happy, he thinks that (the Same Sam whose dream last season was him, Dean, Cas, Jack, and Mary eating pizza and laughing). Long story short, it’s always Dean and Cas. No matter what. So Cas, the lamp. And yeah, all of this destiel deliciousness is heavily draped in romance (even in dancing lamp form) between connections of Saileen and Garth/Bess. It’s SO SO LOUD. 

Dean would be a great dancer, if he tried. Just like Garth is. 

ps.: remember that car convo Sam started with Dean about setting down with someone who understands the life. Yeah. [dies in garth/bess]

[catsitta]

Your writing, especially in BotU, is just amazing! It's so poetic and flows so well! Do you have any tips for learning to write fiction? Also I've noticed in your fae focused and underworld fiction you mention so much in regards to legends and myths that reflect real ones, what kind of research do you do for this or do you already know of this/made it up?

You’re making me blush. Heh. 

Alright, this going to be a long one, I got wordy.

My writing style mostly reflects how I learned to self-edit, since most of my fics are unbeta’ed. How do I do my own editing? If I find a tricky passage, I will write it how it would be spoken. While not ‘proper’ in many ways, a language when spoken aloud can tell you whether or not a phrase will sound right to the mind’s internal ear. In fact, my main advice for anyone writing anything, essay to novel, is to read it out loud whenever possible. (It also helps find and reduce typos, but if you’re a speed reader like me, you may still skip over stuff because your brain is sometimes super helpful (not) and fixes/fills in words!) Doing this will also force you look at your writing and realize that, even if it is grammatically correct, sometimes phrases will sound/look off and need to be redone.

Another tip that works for me (and is one I learned while writing essays in highschool and really embraced in my college writing courses), is to put words to a page, perfect them later. Your best solution to finishing a fic is to literally write it, then go back later and revise. That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be structure. If you like knowing what will happen in every chapter before you start and write purposefully, that is great! But I would never get anything done if I made sure it was perfect while writing it or constantly backtracked to fix stuff before a chapter is done.

I will use my drabble fic, Handle with Care, as an example. I have 100 words dedicated to a chapter. A chapter should always inform the reader, bring up a question, answer a question or otherwise move the story and its characters forward, whether you are writing 100 words or 10,000.

.

[CHAPTER ONE:

“I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE EDGE, DEMAND TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

Red rolled his eyelights as he dropped the last of the moving boxes onto the living room floor. Even trashed from the move in, this place looked better than the last. The walls had paint on them and the carpet was from this decade. Best go see what poor sap his little bro was yapping at before they got kicked out. Moving into the hallway outside the apartment, he spotted Edge and his victim. Red swallowed. It was a skeleton monster. Who looked up and winked at Red.]

(HwC had a basic framework written. As in, major keystones/plot points that needed reaching/bridging between.)

My process:

Q: What happened/needs to happen?

A: Red has just moved into a new apartment with his little brother, and while he is moving in, he meets his romantic interest for the fic. This romantic interest is his neighbor.

Q: Is the plot forwarded?

A: Yes. 

Q: Is new information introduced? Is it important? 

A: Red is moving in. Sans is his neighbor. Edge and Red are brothers and didn’t come from the best neighborhood previously. Edge is very outspoken. 

Q: Are there questions a reader may have? Or questions being answered?

A: Why/how did Red move? Why is his little brother living with him? Who is the neighbor? What is the neighbor’s purpose relating to the MC? How old is Edge? How old is Red?

Q: Does it make the Reader think or feel? What do I want my Reader to feel?

A: While not a very emotion impacting chapter in itself, it is supposed to be a cute bit of family fluff that hints at both a future romance as well as possible conflict arising from the reasons why Red and Edge moved.

.

I highly encourage people to try writing a 100 word drabble fic. Whether you are an experienced writer that writes long, detailed chapters on the regular, or someone who is just starting out and is finding it hard to find the time to commit to a long fic. 100 words is challenging in that you have to use every word effectively, but I’ve personally found it relaxing and even beneficial to me as a writer. After all, if I am having a bad day and nothing is going write and words don’t make sense? Well, I only need to write 100 and then try again tomorrow. It’s good for breaking an obsessive, perfectionistic cycle where you may be impeeding your own progress by simply never finishing. 

My last tip is to simply read.

Read anything and everything. You like romance and want to write romance? Read a bunch of it. Professional novels, fanfiction, poems, otome games, comics, manga...All of it. But also don’t be afraid to branch out. Every genera has different strengths. I LOVE fantasy. Traditional high fantasy with dragons and elves and knights and mages and great, cliche plots about good toppling the forces of evil. LOVE IT. And what is fantasy’s strength? World building. What is romance’s? Relationships and dialogue. The more you read, the more you subconciously pick up on diction and the tropes/feel of a genera. The most common comment I have recieved while pursuing a degree, was that I write like I read a lot. That I like to read. And it really stuck with me. Because it is rather true. You can usually tell the difference in the writing of someone who only reads because they must (or only the classics you are assigned in classes) and someone who reads for the love of reading. So be someone who writes like they love to read. Like they love language. 

.

Now that I have rambled!

To answer your second question, my more myth based fics are always a hybrid of real mythology and stuff I’ve made up that is more cohesive with the world I’m writing about. If I am writing Undertale fanfiction, I want it to feel like Undertale fanfiction. I want to maintain certain themes and ideas, even if they don’t align with mythology. 

Greek Mythology is also a lot more fixed in places than faerie lore, and thus it needs more research to stay true. While in turn, you can be wildly inventive with faerie lore. Thus with my fae fics, I draw from a wide variety of sources, mostly from memory, be it from books I have read, games I have played, or stories I have been told. (It is often easier to ‘write what you know’ after all. If you read Norse Mythology for fun, then writing a fic retelling a norse myth may be more fun for you as a writer than writing a scifi drama you have to pour tons of hours of research into.)

As a quick example:

Bride of the Underworld’s basic premise is the Abduction of Persephone myth. It is very popular in media and it has endless interpretations. Turning the Underground into the Underworld was a natural step. But I never feel the need to 100% follow the mythology to the tee. This is an Undertale fanfiction after all! So, the math lays out like this. If Frisk is Persephone and Persephone’s mother is Demeter, then Frisk’s mother should be Toriel. Toriel’s husband is Asgore, the King of Monsters, who would be a natural choice for King of Gods, and is thus, a placeholder for Zeus. But Demeter isn’t married to Zeus, one could say. No, but he is married to Hera and Toriel can also fill that roll. In the game, they are estranged, which works perfectly, in that Toriel could have/raise Frisk in private, and become the sheltered maiden that Persephone/Kore was in mythos. (Now play apples-to-apples with a wonderful AU co-creator for 50k+ words and you have a fic.)

[your-shield-of-love]

The disbanded Inquisition members looked out from the balcony, the last Inquisitor looking to the future and their family taking in the view.

"Leliana." A small voice called out to her, all the members recognised the voice but Leliana was the first to look at her. Kalle Sabrae, Hero of Fereldan, Warden Commander of Fereldan and the Warden who fixed the Wardens, stood in the middle of the doorway.

Her eyes warm and teary, only looking at her love. Before Kalle could open her mouth to say something, Leliana dashed to her, the Divine hat falling off, which Cole quickly caught. The couple embraced, Kalle lifting Leliana off the ground to spin her for a few moments. They kiss, having missed eachother since Kalle had visited Skyhold last - a year ago. "I missed you." Kalle breathed, smirking nervously, "Sorry I couldn't see you sooner."

Leliana has her arms wrapped around Kalle's neck, slowly loosening the grip and smiling, "I thought you would have at least written. Or I would have received reports on where you were."

Kalle laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her neck, "Well, your people wouldn't have been looking for a plain raven that wasn't theirs." She looked away from Leliana, smiling to the group and her eyes landing on Varric before she pulled Leliana back to them. "I would have wrote but you know me, always planning secret missions and going through with them with no warning." The couple stops at the centre of them, beside the Inquisitor.

Leliana laughs, shaking her head at Kalle, realising her hat appeared on her head without realising. "Thank you, Cole." Leliana smiles, Cole nodding to her.

"You're welcome. Would you like my hat?" Cole offers to Kalle who smiles, but shakes her head.

"No spoilers, but advise would be good?" She tilts her head to Cole, who she wrote to when she also wrote to Leliana, and was friends with him.

"The news they need to hear first, they can hear your happiness afterwards. It would hurt a bit if it was the other way around." Cole spoke to her, Kalle smiled at the advice and looked to the group. "I have someone I need you all to come see." Kalle let's go of Leliana's hands and guides the groups to the infirmary, the staff parting to let the group through and before the staff opens the doors, Kalle holds her hands up.

"Wait a moment, please." She turned to the companions, arms placed behind her back and they knew she meant business. "There are a few things you need to know."

Leliana tells the staff within the room to leave, when they do, she nods to Kalle.

"After defeating the blight, things that were like the rifts appeared." Kalle began,

"I'm sure we've had this conversation before." The Inquisitor teased.

Sera jumped in, "Aye we have, so just tell us quickly, no background stuff!"

Varric laughed, "Buttercup, a good story needs details. Continue." He waves his arms to Kalle, who smiles relaxed in return as thanks, which he hummed at. He also stepped forward to her, the two had gotten to know eachother pretty well since Kalle appeared in Kirkwall all those years ago and he knew she preferred friends close when nervous, Varric wondered if she'd consider coming to Kirkwall for a holiday? He had yet to show off how Kirkwall changed and he could imagine Kalle would be thrilled with how it was developing. She could maybe give pointers too, since she helped Fereldan rebuild. Though Hawke would have been more excited about how Kirkwall had improved, though they would have complained that there wasn't enough danger anymore or maybe they wouldn't?

Kalle continued, "Well, I'll make this short. I could close rifts and such back then but um, what I didn't tell you... Was that when I was on the way to Skyhold, I closed a rift..." she looked guilty, "I'm sorry I didn't say but, I had my duty to the Wardens." She bowed her head slightly and before she or anyone could say anything,

"Rain pouring, 'no one around to see or be be hurt if it goes wrong'. Foot raised like before, the kick that closes the rift. Fear, worry, happiness, responsibility but you already had those. It's okay you didn't say, the Inquisitor had already planned to close it. It's good that you don't have more weight." Cole spoke, standing beside Kalle and patting her shoulder, "Doubt, sadness, guilt. You could have done more but it would have been wrong. You would have become broken and you needed to keep together. You did good." Kalle smiles sadly but relieved at him, pulling him into a hug.

"Thank you." Kalle and Cole spoke, making her laugh. They pulled apart and she looked across the group to see if anyone else had anything to say.

"It's alright, continue." Inquisitor smiled, wondering where this was going.

"So um... After Hawke," she paused, "I wondered if I could," The air became tense, "Open a rift." Varric watched her, pain and hope sparking within him, "It didn't work." Her eyes dropped to the floor, "I was... really fucking upset and pissed. I thought about asking you," she looked to the Inquisitor before raising her head again, "But I knew if you could ... then you would have." Kalle sighs, "But my stubborn ass wanted to make sure. To check. But I had to return to my crew, they needed my information and thoughts. I also had to prepare for them to kick Warden ass when we got back. So I left, did all that but... 8 months ago I returned to Fereldan."

Leliana interrupted, "And you didn't say anything?"

A frown started on Kalle's face, "No, I was going to but... I knew if I did, you would stop me." Her face grew serious, determination blazing in her eyes. "I couldn't let you or anyone stop me, so... I went to Adamant." Varric had her full attention, he didn't want hope or bad news or... but what if Hawke was rescued? Recovering in the infirmary behind Kalle? He held himself back. He was afraid to hope, 'and kid, don't say anything'. Cole fingered at that. "I waited till it was early morning, just before the morning watch would have started and... turned back into myself. I stood where the rift was before. I thought of Hawke and..." she swallowed, "I opened a rift. For the first time." Her hands fidgeted, "I closed it behind me, don't worry."

Varric stood wide eyed at her, she turned to him.

"I spent, 7 and a half months looking." She looked grim at first, flinching at whatever she had went through, Leliana reaching out and was about to give her trouble when she laughs slightly. "The big demon you mentioned? Destroyed. No demon in sight for most of my time there... I started to realise as I went along, that there were markers, placeholder on areas. Bodies of demons and such, laying in a particular way. The fear demon was the centre point. So I followed along the signs, there were long paths and I could tell why the length of my hair that it had been 6 months by the time I reached the last path..." Kalle smiles warmly at Varric, another tear in her eyes.

"You found her." Varric hoped, Kalle nodded. Kalle had at least found Marian's body. And at best... He stared at the doors behind her. There was a reason she didn't just open the doors to them.

"Found her, sitting and speaking to Spirits. Definitely not demons, spirits who were to weak to possess her mind but helped her stay sane. When she saw me, she thought I was a demon, she almost beat the shit out of me." Kalle grinned, "The spirits intervened, saying I was real, in the fade with her. A took her about two weeks to be convinced and only believed me when I told her to kill me if she thought I was a demon. Time is different there, your body doesn't need sleep as much and well, as a mage I never ran out of energy... it was disorienting." She shook her head, a sign she thought she was rambling.

"You mean Red was ... fucking shit fuck!" Sera shouted, looking both angry and guilty. Her and a lot if the patrons that were at the tavern grew close to Hawke. Iron Bull grumbled about the fade shit and how he hoped she was alright.

"Well... We got out, about a month and half ago. We ended up a few miles from my safe house." She itched the back of her head, "Which was good because it meant Hawke and myself could recover there for a bit. Or that was the plan. Instead we stayed for a month, then travelled here. Hawke is... they sometimes just space out, break things or have a full breakdown when they feel they're still in the fade. She will struggle with this for a time, so... I think it's best if you want to see her, to do so in small groups. Not alone and not too many." Kalle pats Varrics shoulder. His brain couldn't catch up with his mouth, so much to say and shit... He wanted to see Marian.

"Kid," Varric spoke, "You're with me." Cole nods.

"I'm coming with!" Sera stepped forward, she turns to Iron Bull-

"The Iron Bull?" He looks to Cole, "They are.. the arishok has hurt them in the fade, more than enough times. You should be yourself, not careful or quiet." Iron Bull winked in surprise, before smirking.

Cassandra steps forward, "May I?" She asks Varric, he nods.

"Thanks, Cassandra." He says, making her smile and nod. The four opened the door together and Varric stepped in first.

Hawke always went with they and them pronouns. At first he and him, so that growing up without Malcolm, she could get more jobs but it didn't feel right. Eventually they became happy with being they rather than he or she, though if someone called her she it didn't bother her. Just didn't feel right. Like how you find a dress and realise, 'fuck it, waistcoats for life'. They stood at the window doors, looking at the view and wished they could go fo the balcony. But the staff, and herself worried she'd jump or... the doors opened behind her. Kalle told them she'd get their friends to come visit. They fidgeted with their long hair, they knew they had been in the fade for just over 3 years. Kalle didn't hesitate to tell her, Kalle never lied to anymore unless it was necessary, and even then Kalle didn't like to lie for too long. After defeating the fear demon, Hawke chopped their hair to be short. As they did everytime she felt lost, lost someone or something - like Kirkwall, or on the rare occasion, when she started her life anew. Like after a year of being in servitude, she cut her hair. Now it was long, pulled into a thick ponytail, Kalle had used her mana to make sure no bobble would snap.

They turned and saw, a wheeling Varric. Their gut told then it wasn't him. That this Varric would either be a desire demon again (after like the millionth fucking time), or a despair demon, taunting and using his face to try get them to hate the person they loved most. No despair demon dared after the mess and warning she left. They had to kill fake Varric's more than once and often times had other Varric's shoot at them. Though it wasn't the first time, the first time the actual Varric shot at them. Though he was under the influence.

"Sat by the fire, papers in one hand, quill in the other. Spectacles on and he smiles. Too warm, too hot. 'I'll burn. Is this it? Is this what Papa Dragon told me? When I think of him and think 'this is it?'." Cole spoke, appearing in the room, Hawke smiled subtly at the memory. A memory they forgot because they got scared. It was before the expedition, they had pushed the thoughts and feelings away because they didn't want to get hurt.

Hawke sighs, "You owe me 10 sovereigns." They held their hand out to the Iron Bull, a grin growing on their face. He let out a hearty laugh but Varric held the hand they held out. He stared into their eyes, Hawke looked to him. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say before. Not really, anyway." They pulled the dwarf into a hug, Varric pulled his head out from their chest to look up, he was shocked but he cried. Hawke rubbed at his cheeks, he let out a whimper, gripping onto her.

"I... You come back, I plan on giving you a lesson and you just say I love you?" They panic, hoping they didn't fuck something up again, they let out a shaky breath but before they can question anything. "Of course you would." Varric grins brightly, eyes open and tears falling. "I love you, Marian." The two hold eachother.

Iron Bull, after a few moments taps Marian's shoulder. They and Varric look up, he's holding out a coin purse. "Ten sovereigns for bravest way to go. Fucking demons." Hawke grins, swiping the purse.

"Told you, I beat Qunari everytime." They smirk.

"Tal-Vashoth." (Sp? I forget how to spell it sorry) The Iron Bull corrected, he said it the same way Varric spoke about being a dwarf, with not as must distain. There was a story there, one they couldn't wait to Varric to tell. They smiled down to Varric, pulling his teary face into a soft kiss.

~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed ;;

[nazariolahela]

Something Domestic: Chapter 9

A/N: Hey y’all! This story is told in first-person narrative, from Riley’s (MC) POV. There will likely be smidges of canon in this, but not too much. Thanks for reading, and please leave feedback, and/or if you would like to be tagged.

This chapter ended up being longer than anticipated, so it will essentially be split into two. Whoops!

Catch up here

Series Tags: @burnsoslow​ @aworldoffandoms​ @dcbbw​ @ladyangel70​ @texaskitten30​ @sunandlemons​ @jlynn12273​ @indiacater​ @jared2612​ @rainbowsinthestorm​ @drakesensworld​ @badchoicesposts​ @msjr0119​ @katurrade​ @blackcoffee85​ @cynicalworlds-blog​ @hopefulmoonobject​ @beardedoafdonutwagon​ @cmestrella​ @sugarandspice-milkandhoney​ @superharrietsuper​​

Synopsis: When Riley Brooks takes a new job as a nanny for the affluent Rhys family in New York’s Upper East Side, she assumes she’s just going to care for the children of the couple who hired her. But instead of just school pick-ups and afternoon snacks, she also finds herself spending time with Liam, the handsome divorced dad. Can Riley control her feelings for Liam while still performing the job she was hired for?

All characters are the property of Pixelberry Studios. Thanks for allowing me to borrow them.

Chapter Summary: Manhattan puts on its best-dressed for an annual fundraiser, and all eyes are on Riley.

The next week had come and with little drama. Charlotte started her first day of school on Monday, which she was surprisingly unhappy about. I wonder if she had overheard Liam and Madeleine’s fight Friday evening. I showed up early that day to make sure she had everything she needed. Liam stayed mostly out of sight as I got her ready for school. No doubt he was having second thoughts about our steamy makeout session. Or maybe he was embarrassed. Nevertheless, he was gone before the kids and I left. After I dropped Charlotte off at school, Philip and I spent the day doing fun stuff. Museums, painting classes, even a stop for some dairy-free ice cream. Madeleine actually showed up on time from work to relieve me of my duties, and I was gone before Liam got home. Tuesday through Thursday were much of the same. Arrive early, get Charlotte off to school, spend time with Philip, pick up Charlotte from school, spend time with them until their mother arrived, then head for home.

Now, it’s Thursday evening, and Hana and I are sitting in our apartment eating takeout. She’s sitting in the recliner, cell phone in hand, texting Meghan. I hold the remote and flip through Netflix, trying to find a movie for us to watch. I find one that might be interesting to me and turn to her. “Wanna watch this one?”

She looks up from her phone to the TV and frowns. “Watched it with Meghan last night. What else is there?”

I flip through to find another one then turn back to her, “How about this one?” She shakes her head no. I sigh and toss the remote on the couch next to me. “I got nothing then.”

“How about we go shopping for the banquet on Saturday?’ she pipes up. I give her a grin, and we both slip on our shoes, grab our purses and head outside to hail a cab. Hana and I scored invitations to the Enrique M. Vasquez Memorial Scholarship Banquet. It’s the largest fundraiser for New York Private Schools in the state. Every year, the richest and most powerful in New York society show up, rub elbows with each other, and donate a shit ton of money for scholarships to some of the most prestigious private elementary, middle, and high schools. Last year, more than $500,000 in scholarships were handed out.

Hana and I arrive at Carmina — an upscale dress shop in Manhattan — 30 minutes later. We browse through the racks, picking out a selection of gowns to try on. Most of these dresses cost at least a month’s salary, but they’re so pretty, I have to force myself to overlook the price tag. Gowns in hand, we retreat to the dressing rooms. After a few minutes, Hana steps out in a stunning shimmery gold number, with a sweetheart neckline. My jaw drops as she does a little twirl. Damn, my best friend is hot.

“I don’t know what other dresses you have in there, but don’t bother trying them on. That’s the one.”

Hana laughs. “Take a picture of me. I wanna send it to Meghan and get her opinion on it.” I snap the picture with her phone and hand it back to her. A few moments later, her phone buzzes, and I peek over her shoulder to see Meghan’s reply.

That dress is beautiful. I can’t wait to see what it looks like on my bedroom floor.

“Ooooh!” I say, reading the message. Hana tucks the phone into her chest, her cheeks turning crimson.

“Get out of here, nosy and go try on your own dresses.”

I snicker and return to my dressing room. “So how are things going with you and Meghan?” I ask her.

“Pretty good. I know it’s only been a week, but I really like her.”

“That’s wonderful, Hana. You two seem to be getting along well. She’s certainly smitten. Have you two… ya know…”

“RILEY!” she shrieks. She pauses for a few beats, then replies. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. Yes, we have.”

Half dressed, I rip the door open to my dressing room and find her sitting on one of the elaborate couches. “What?! Really?! That’s great!” I rush over to her and grab her hands. “You have to tell me all about it. Well, not all about it, but you know.”

Hana giggles, pushing me away from her. “Go get dressed, you perv. We don’t have all night.” I stick my tongue out at her and move back into the dressing room. I try on the three dresses I chose. The first one is a purple halter dress with a slit up the leg that damn near shows everything. The second one is a black cap sleeve number that would look better for a funeral than a benefit dinner. The third dress is a beautiful glittery blue gown with a plunging neckline. I emerge from the dressing room and hear Hana audibly gasp.

“Oh, my gods. That’s it. That’s the one.”

I smile. “You think so?”

“I know so! You look breathtaking!”

I clap my hands together. “Awesome! Let’s pay for these and get out of here. I have to find a pair of shoes to go with this baby!” We pay for our gowns and my credit card weeps. As we are leaving the dress shop, Hana’s phone chimes with a text.

“It’s from Meghan. She wants to go get a drink.” She frowns. “But I don’t want to ditch you.”

I turn to her, shaking my head. “Don’t worry about it. Go see your woman. One of us deserves to get laid.”

She laughs and pulls me into a hug. “I’ll see you at the apartment later, ‘kay?” I nod as she gets into a cab and takes off. I hail my own cab and make my way back to the apartment, clutching the dress in my arms. I think about how I’m going to style my hair, and what accessories I’m going to pair with it. I’m going to look so hot, no man there will be able to take his eyes off me. My mind wanders to the only man who’s eyes I want on me. I know he’s going to be there on Saturday. His company is an annual sponsor and of course, he donates a lot of money to the scholarship fund. I remember that he’s also been avoiding me all week. Maybe if I can get a few minutes alone with him, we can at least talk about what happened.

***

Saturday rolls around and Hana and I are at our apartment getting ready for the evening. The two of us are crowded in our tiny bathroom, doing each other’s hair and makeup. When we’ve finished primping and priming, we head to our bedrooms to get dressed. After I’m dressed, I assess myself in the full-length mirror behind my door. Looking good, Riley. I shout at Hana from the other side of the wall. “What time is the car picking us up?”

“6:30. There’s a cocktail hour at 7, and dinner starts at 8.”

I check my phone. It’s already 6:25. “You about ready?”

She giggles. “Yep. You?”

I open my door at the same time she opens hers. We step out into the hall and dramatically present ourselves. “Ta-da!” she sing-songs. 

“Gahddamn, we look good! Ready to go break some hearts and raise some money?”

“You know it!” she replies. We grab our things and head downstairs to meet the car. On the ride there, Hana and I chat about who we might run into tonight. She mentions that her college advisor is expected to make an appearance, and she hopes they can get together and visit. I think about running into Liam and what I’m going to say to him. The car stops in front of The Celestial Hotel & Resort, and a valet rushes to open our door for us. We climb out and make our way inside, walking the “red carpet.” I roll my eyes as the paparazzi snap pictures of Manhattan’s biggest names. All this for a scholarship benefit?!

We enter the Grand Ballroom and are taken aback by how elaborate the setup is. Roughly 50 tables are set up with white tablecloths and ornate centerpieces. Each table has eight chairs, and place cards on bright white cardstock with gold accents. There’s a bar set up to the left of the room, and a stage at the back. The right side of the room features several floor-to-ceiling windows, showcasing the New York skyline. 

My eyes scan the room, looking for someone I might know. I see Dr. Ethan Ramsey chatting with famous author Marianne D'Arneaux. Near the bar, fashion designer Lancelin St. Claire and actor Ryan Summers laugh at something comedian Josh Morello said. Across the room, singers Raleigh Carrera and Cady Dorian are locked in a heated embrace. Talk about little fish in a big pond. I read about all these people in my favorite tabloid magazines, and now I’m in the same room as they are. It’s not all celebrities though. I see several New York educators, school administrators, and faculty members. I even spot one of my professors from Steinhardt. I remind myself to say hello to him later.

“I found our table,” Hana says, grabbing my arm and guiding me to where we’ll be sitting for the evening. I look at the placeholders and notice a few big names seated with us. Matt Rodriguez and his wife Jessica Clark; and Avery Wilshire. The Manhattan School District superintendent; the dean of Barnard College; and the principal of Hana’s school, Vera Thompson are also seated at our table. We take our seats and wait for the other occupants to arrive.

“I feel so out of place here. Maybe we should go,” I say, fidgeting with my napkin.

“What? No! This event is the biggest fundraiser of the year. Think of the connections we could make. Plus, Dr. Ramsey is the guest speaker tonight. Don’t you want to stick around for that?” I can tell this event is important to her, so I decide to just suck it up and stay. We make our way to the bar and order a couple of whiskey sours. Thank gods this event has an open bar. I take a sip of my drink and frown. These don’t taste nearly as good as the ones Drake makes. Speak of the devil. I spot Drake and Maxwell making their way toward the bar. Maxwell is wearing the most amazing suit I’ve ever seen. It’s light blue with tentacles stretching the length of the jacket. His bowtie is an orange squid. Drake is a tad more casual in black slacks and a blue button-up with a tie.

“Ladies! What are you doing here this fine evening? This doesn’t seem like the type of party you like to crash,” Maxwell says, winking at us.

Drake rolls his eyes. “Hey girls. Fancy party, huh? This is not what I was expecting when I signed up to be a sponsor.”

“You’re a sponsor?” Hana questions. Drake cocks an eyebrow at her as if to ask, “What does that mean?”

“We both are,” Maxwell replies. “Been giving money to this program for years.”

Drake nods. “This state has a lot of really good private schools, and it’s only fair that every kid has the opportunity to attend them. I like that kids of all economic status can get scholarships for them. I wouldn’t give money to the program otherwise.”

Hana smiles, satisfied, and sips her drink. Maxwell orders two glasses of champagne and hands one to Drake. Drake takes the glass, frowning. “What am I supposed to do with this?

“Drink it. What else would you do?” Drake brings the glass to his lips and takes a small sip. He makes a face before knocking it back and setting the glass back on the bar.

“So where’s the third member of your Motley Crew?” I ask. Just then, the crowd parts and Olivia herself appears. She saunters toward us — her trademark smirk plastered across her face — in a red sequined gown. A man with dark hair and an all-black suit trails behind her, holding two glasses of champagne.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the hot nanny. You clean up nicely. I’ll give you that. That’s quite the gown. Liam’s going to shit himself.” She turns to the man behind her and plucks one of the champagne glasses from his hand, downing it in two gulps, then sets it on the bar. “What is a nanny doing at a scholarship benefit? Shouldn’t you be watching the kids?”

“I don’t have them on weekends. I actually don't know where they are. I haven’t spoken to Liam or Madeleine tonight,” I state matter-of-factly.

She chuckles. “I’m glad the she-witch lets you have some free time. It’s not like she watches her own kids. Why else would she have hired you?”

“Olivia,” Drake snaps.

She turns to him and smirks. “Hello, Drake. I see you couldn’t be bothered to find a suit for this little soirée? I doubt it would have killed you to put on a damn jacket. At least the babysitter wore a nice dress.” She laughs and turns to the man behind her, snapping her fingers. “Come, Ray.” The two of them disappear into the crowd and all four of us breathe a sigh of relief.

Hana scowls. “Oh my gods, she’s so brash? How do you put up with her?”

“Lots and lots of alcohol,” Drake answers.

Maxwell snorts and takes a drink of his champagne. “Don’t mind her. It’s a defense mechanism. Once you get to know her, she’s actually a ray of sunshine. Except to Drake. Pretty sure she still hates you for junior year, man.”

Hana and I exchange a look. I turn to Maxwell. “So, who are most of these people? I recognize the celebrities and some of the educators, but I have no idea who everyone else is.” He slings an arm around my shoulder and turns my body toward the crowd. He points toward the podium near the stage where two older men and a woman about my age are holding a conversation. and I recognize one of the men as Maxwell’s brother.

“You remember Bertrand. Well, the woman on his arm is his wife, Savannah. The blonde guy next to him is Liam’s older brother Leo.” I squint and immediately see the resemblance. Maxwell moves his hand over to two women giggling. “The woman in the purple dress with the narwhal necklace is Penelope, and the one next to her in the black dress with feathers on the shoulders is Kiara. They’re Madeleine’s best friends from college. And if they’re here, that means she’s not too far away. Those three are attached at the hip.”

“So I’ve heard.”

He chuckles. Sure enough, a woman with a blonde bob and a stunning cold-shoulder emerald green dress struts up to the two women. Yep, that’s her alright. If she’s here, then that means… I scan the ballroom for any sign of him. From the corner of my eye, I see Hana ducking behind Maxwell.

“Oh my gods, he’s here. Hide me!”

“Who?” I ask her, confused. She points toward the center of the room where a man with slicked-back hair and a permanent scowl stands. He’s wearing a brown blazer over a blue pullover, and brown slacks.

“It’s Neville,” she whispers as if he can hear us from across the room. After scanning my face for signs of recognition, she continues. “The trust-fund douche my parents have been trying to set me up with. He’s been texting me for a few weeks now, even after I told him I’m dating someone. I didn’t know he’d be here, but I guess it’s not surprising. His father owns Cormery Isle vacation rentals, so I’m sure he donates a lot of money to this program.” She groans, taking my hand. “Will you please be my buffer this evening? I don’t want to be anywhere near him.”

“I got you, boo!” I reply, patting her arm. I turn back to Maxwell. “Dinner is starting soon, so we’re going to go take our seats. We’ll catch up to you later.” He smiles and gives us a wave before taking off towards his table. Hana and I link arms and make our way to ours, where most of our tablemates have already been seated. As Hana strikes up a conversation with them, I look around the ballroom for any sighting of Liam.

I give up after a few minutes, and excuse myself to hit the ladies room. After getting directions from a member of the waitstaff, I leave the ballroom and walk down a long hallway to the restrooms at the end. Thankfully, I’m alone. I do my business and check my reflection in the mirror. At least I still look good. Too bad there’s no one here to appreciate it. As I exit the bathroom and make my way back toward the banquet, a pair of strong arms wraps around my waist and pulls me into a dark conference room. He pins me against the closed door. The weight of his masculine body feels like heaven.

“I was hoping to run into you tonight,” Liam’s voice whispers in my ear, setting my skin on fire. His hot breath on the back of my neck makes my knees go weak.  

“Where have you been all night?” I ask, turning to face him. He rubs his nose along the base of my throat.

“Waiting for my opportunity to get you alone. And can I say? That dress…” he says, tugging the collar down so he can kiss my shoulder. “If it weren’t for all these people, I would have taken you right there in the middle of that ballroom.” My breath hitches and I run my hands down his broad chest, feeling every muscle beneath his dress shirt. My fingers slip beneath the waistband of his pants and I tug the hem loose, grazing his bare stomach. His body quivers beneath my touch.

“Riley…”

I glide my hand back up to his neck to his hair, where I weave my fingers through the short strands. I pull his head down to mine and brush my lips against his. “You’ve been avoiding me all week. What’s up with that, Mr. Rhys?”

He groans and presses his lips to mine. His tongue slips in and caresses mine as he grips my ass in his hands and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist. His erection presses hard against my core as he nibbles on my collarbone. “It’s all I could do to keep myself from ravishing you. My lawyers called me last week. We finally have a date for the hearing. If we ensure that there are no unresolved matters and the judge approves our agreement, the divorce becomes final on Wednesday. After that, you’re mine.” His lips travel down my neck and his teeth graze my pulse and I feel sparks shoot throughout my body. He moves one of his hands up to my breast, making me arch into his touch. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.” He pauses, then looks around the room. “Think we can be quiet?” he whispers.

“I can’t make any promises,” I reply. He smirks and moves from the door to the conference table and places me on top of it. I lay back and watch him in the dark as he slowly undoes his belt. I hitch up the skirt of my dress around my waist. I rest on my elbows as he unzips his pants painfully slow as if to tease me. I sit up to reach for him when the sound of a cell phone ringing from his pocket interrupts us. “Ignore it,” I say.

He nods and rubs his hands up the inside of my thighs. His thumbs graze the outside of my underwear, and I inhale sharply. He rubs his thumb over my clit in slow, agonizing circles. I gasp and drop my head back, feeling my body hum. The phone rings again and he sighs. “...One second.” He pulls it out and answers it. After spitting out a series of short answers, he hangs up and slips the phone back in his jacket pocket, frowning. “I’m sorry. I have to go. We’ll continue this later?”

I nod and swallow, sliding down off the table and fixing my dress. “I’ll go first. Come find me later.” I lean in and kiss him before opening the door and peeking out to make sure no one is around. I slip out of the conference room and hustle back into the ballroom to my seat. Hana eyes me suspiciously. “Sorry about that. The line for the bathroom was long. What did I miss?”

She opens her mouth to reply when the squealing of a microphone cuts through the room. The emcee announces that dinner will be served in a few short minutes. I notice out of the corner of my eye, Liam slipping back into the ballroom and taking his place next to Madeleine at their table. She smiles at him, the fakest smile I’ve ever seen. He leans in to whisper something in her ear, then rests his arm on the back of her chair and plants a kiss her on the cheek. I’m suddenly seeing red. Not five minutes ago, his tongue was down my throat and his hands were all over my body. Now, he’s cozying up to his ex-wife.

[thetyrannyofconsciousthought]

For those who misplace their love.

You run in the opposite direction of things that are good for you, and find excuses to indulge in toxic habits. You always chase people that throw you away or use you as placeholders while they look for something ‘better’. You let people walk all over you because you don’t want to annoy or inconvenience them. The best parts of life you take with a pinch of salt, the awful parts you embrace with open arms. Every time you get a little glimpse of what it feels like to actually love yourself or be proud of yourself, you shove it down with the insistence that you don’t deserve it. Fuck that. You are a fucking superstar. You are beautiful. You are funny. You are intelligent. You are strong. You don’t need anyone to reassure you of any of it. You are not going to let anyone walk all over you or make you feel like anything less than what you are worth ever again. You are full of all this love that you give so freely and willingly, you get burned sometimes. But sweetheart, that love is a gift, you’ve just got to learn how to harness all of it and direct it to that and those that are deserving, but first yourself. Shower yourself with it, revel in it - this gift that you have an abundance of. You are the love, don’t search for it anywhere else and don’t give yourself away so freely. You are a rarity, don’t let anyone reduce that worth. Don’t let the love turn into grief. You are made up of the most precious stuff of life, don’t let it turn to dust.