#and last but not least he resents them for dying. for leaving the galaxy to fend for itself.

[menaceborn]

maul hates the jedi because sidious brainwashed him, but he hates them even more for not saving him

[cloudyskywars]

Back to December is about Anakin and Obi-Wan and here’s 2,000 words why

So there I was, listening to Back to December, you know, as one does. And then I nearly started crying because this is without a doubt an Anakin and Obi-Wan song. I roped my friend @renegadeontherunn into doing a full song analysis with me. The whole analysis is based from Anakin singing this to Obi-Wan immediately after the events of Return of the Jedi. So everyone’s a Force Ghost, and feelings ensue. Enjoy the angst! 

The analysis will be below the cut, because as I said, it’s approximately 2,000 words. 

I'm so glad you made time to see me/ How's life? Tell me, how's your family?/ I haven't seen them in a while - Obi-Wan’s family was the Jedi. And Anakin has spent the past twenty five years hunting down the Jedi, eliminating them one by one. And now that he’s one with the Force, he’s gotta be wondering, “Are the other Jedi here too?” because he may not have realized it, but they were his family as well. I’m just imagining Anakin asking Obi-Wan where everyone else is, and Obi-Wan having to tell him that not everyone stayed with the Force the way that he and Yoda did.  

Your guard is up and I know why- Obi-Wan’s guard probably wasn’t up, but Anakin would expect it to be. He rightfully feels guilty, and probably expects Obi-Wan to hate him and not trust him anymore. 

Because the last time you saw me/ Is still burned in the back of your mind - on Mustafar, Anakin literally burning, the image no doubt haunting Obi-Wan ever since. In Obi-Wan’s 20 years on Tatooine, how many times do you think he replayed that memory in his mind? You were my brother Anakin, I loved you/I hate you. (grouped with previous two lines)

So this is me swallowin' my pride- Anakin as a Force Ghost, standing in front of Obi-Wan. He’s asking, begging for forgiveness, even though he knows he doesn’t deserve it. Anakin was always prideful for a Jedi, and this is him humbling himself and asking for Obi-Wan’s forgiveness (for so many things; Order 66, turning to the dark side, killing the Jedi, killing him)

Standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night - the night Anakin fell to the Dark Side, their fight on Mustafar, and also probably the last 20+ years of him as a Sith and causing so much death and destruction. He’s sorry for so much, but especially that night when everything went wrong. 

And I go back to December all the time - he revisits that battle in his mind constantly, still hating Obi-Wan as Vader, but feeling deep (deep deep) down, an enormous sense of regret and guilt, and especially at the end when he reunites with Obi-Wan

It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you - We see in Episode 2 that Anakin feels that Obi-Wan is constantly holding him back, preventing him from reaching his full potential (feelings no doubt put there by Palpatine) Once he turns to the Dark Side, he believes he is stronger than ever, (“I’m stronger than the Emperor, I can overthrow him.”)and so most likely feels “free” from Obi-Wan and the duty of being a Jedi. But we know that he learned, eventually, that all the Dark Side brings is loneliness and despair. “It is in this blazing moment that you finally understand the trap of the dark side, the final cruelty of the Sith — because now yourself is all you will ever have.” 

Wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine - Anakin spent much of his time as Obi-Wan’s Padawan feeling less than and like he was never good enough for Obi-Wan. Then, when he finally became a Knight, he still felt held back by the Jedi. In reality, he had a substantial support system there waiting for him, ready to help him, that he never realized existed. He had the tools and the people he needed to be a successful Jedi and to have a happy life and to stay in the Light, but he didn’t use them. And now he’s wishing he had. That he’d recognized his and Obi-Wan’s friendship when he’d had it.

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright- Can you IMAGINE the regret Anakin is feeling right now? After 25 years of being the terror of the galaxy, Darth Vader, he has finally returned from the dark and knows all the bad things he’s done, and now recognizes that they were bad things. He slaughtered younglings, helped strike down the remaining Jedi, even took away the clones’ free will. Just imagining the pure regret that he must be feeling at this moment. 

These days, I haven't been sleepin' - REVENGE OF THE SITH ANYONE??? We know for a fact due to the Matthew Stover novelization of ROTS that Anakin was getting almost no sleep during the events of the movie. I believe when he Fell he had been without sleep for,,,, at least three days? (I think it was five but I’m not sure)  Anakin please take a nap. Nightmares!!! But also, as Vader, I’m pretty sure Anakin doesn’t actually need to sleep or at least doesn’t need a ton of it, so again he’s literally not sleeping and only sustaining himself on the Dark Side.

Stayin' up playin' back myself leavin'- Do you think- do you ever think that during his time as Darth Vader, he would constantly replay those days when everything fell apart in his head? I’m specifically thinking about the scene where he marches on the Jedi Temple. Granted, in that scene, he isn’t leaving, per say. He’s returning home, but it is no longer the place he calls home. I imagine that scene playing on repeat in his mind, because that’s the moment that he passed the point of no return. Before that, yes, he had already screwed up, big time. But he hadn’t crossed the line yet, I don't think. 

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times- At this moment I’m sure he’s feeling loads and loads of guilt and regret, as discussed above. But I can’t help but think he’s also thinking about the good times he shared with Obi-Wan and Padme. (Padme specifically because of summer and Naboo for that one good week, where they fell in love and it was beautiful.) And although his relationship with Obi-Wan was strained near the end (and eventually fell apart) there were good times, times that they both cherished. During his time as Darth Vader, he probably looked back on those memories with hate. But now that he’s Anakin again, he is probably remembering those times fondly.

I watched you laughin' from the passenger's side- [insert gif of Obi-Wan smiling in the speeder] 

And realized I loved you in the fall - in the Fall. This could be for either Anakin or Obi-Wan. There must’ve been a part of Anakin that knew he was lying when he shouted “I hate you!” and felt happy when Obi-Wan said he loved him. And for Obi-Wan, he knew he loved Anakin, he had just never said it to him before. The only time he did was when Anakin had Fallen and was dying. And he probably regretted that with every piece of himself during his exile on Tatooine. 

And then the cold came, the dark days - There are so many instances where Palpatine is connected with the cold, with darkness, with everything that is the opposite of the Jedi and, more importantly, of Obi-Wan. The darkness referred to here is the Dark Side, when it became overwhelming and Anakin fell.

When fear crept into my mind - Anakin’s already-intense fears of never being good enough or Obi-Wan not reciprocating Anakin’s love were intensified and heightened by Palpatine’s influence and him planting even more fear and doubt into Anakin’s head. This fear and this doubt in his friendship with Obi-Wan was ultimately one of the reasons he fell. Yes, it was his fear for Padme’s life that really did him in. Anakin was known as “The Hero With No Fear.” But there at the end, he became a person full of fear, and as we know: “Fear is the path to the dark side … fear leads to anger … anger leads to hate … hate leads to suffering.”

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye -Again, this is Anakin finally realizing that Obi-Wan did love him, that he was a good Master for him, and it was Anakin who hadn’t seen it, who had betrayed him. There is a quote from the book Lords of the Sith in which Vader acknowledges his betrayal of everyone he loved. Palpatine: “‘You were a traitor, were you not, Lord Vader?... To the Jedi. To Padme. To Obi-Wan. To all those you loved.’ Vader: Vader did not know the answer his Master wanted to hear, so he simply answered with the truth. ‘Yes.”’

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind- Talking about guilt, again. Without a doubt, Anakin would go back to where it all went wrong if he could. He wouldn’t turn, he’d save Padme, he’d do everything differently if he could.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile/ So good to me, so right- Obi-Wan was so good to him. Obviously in a platonic sense. But Obi-Wan was the best Master for Anakin, and you can’t change my mind. Even if they had a rough start and maybe Obi-Wan should have had some time to recover from his Master dying before he took on his Padawan of his own, but I digress. He did the best he could with Anakin, and was most likely far more patient and understanding than other Jedi Masters would have been. Of course at the time, Anakin did realize this and only resented Obi-Wan. Hindsight is 2020, and Anakin would have only realized after everything went down how good Obi-Wan was to him. 

And how you held me in your arms that September night/ The first time you ever saw me cry - This one doesn’t exactly fit because apparently Anakin and Obi-Wan never hug in canon and that is a crime (Filoni and Lucas I’m coming for you). But I am pointedly ignoring canon and choosing to believe that when things got really hard or bad, (after Satine died, maybe even after Ahsoka left the Order) they hugged. Maybe it was a sad hug, the kind where one of them breaks down in tears and the other just holds them as they cry. But I am confident that they have hugged, so this line applies to them. Fight me on it, I dare you. (I’m kidding but only partially) 

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right - After realizing how wrong he was in becoming Vader and how his relationship with Obi-Wan wasn’t one-sided, and especially after seeing the pure, selfless love of Luke, which ultimately brings him back to the Light, Anakin is no doubt thinking of the millions of ways he could’ve done better. He wants Obi-Wan to know how sorry he is and that, yes it took him all these years, but he’s learned his lesson. If he could do it all again, which he probably wants to, he would do it right this time. He swears to himself (and to Obi-Wan) that if he just gets this second chance, he’ll do everything right. 

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't- Anakin knows he can’t go back and fix everything, no matter how much he may want to. All he can do is ask, beg, even, for Obi-Wan’s forgiveness

So if the chain is on your door, I understand - the metaphorical chain isn’t on Obi-Wan’s door, of course, he’d always welcome Anakin back. He wanted nothing more than to see Anakin succeed as a Jedi and be happy, and so of course he’s ready to see Anakin again, to forgive him. But still, Anakin doubts Obi-Wan’s love and his own worth and braces himself to be rejected, even though Obi-Wan’s arms are open. (this might be niche but think: doctor who, “You betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything I ever stood for. Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”)

And, that’s it! If you read this entire thing, Fiona and I love you from the bottom of our hearts. As you can tell, we feel a lot of things about this song, and hope you enjoyed our analysis! 

[darthspideys]

antithesis // seven

din djarin x jedi! reader

summary: You expected to find another of yoda’s species, much less under the protection of a particularly stubborn mandalorian. Little do you know its that discovery that will change life as you know it, and put all three of you in danger you never saw coming.

words: ~2k

If you weren’t so in your own head, you probably would have kissed him. It feels right, you can see his face for the first time and the moonlight is drenching everything in a light glow, a breeze makes its way through the trees. It’s the kind of moment that a normal person would think is perfect , but you're too in your own head to make the most of it. You just stand there, staring, taking in every inch of his face until finally he says something. 

“Tell me about your parents.” 

You don’t shy away from the question for the first time. “My father never told me how they met, but I assume it was some chance meeting. They ran off together, lived on this tiny farm in the outer rim where no one would find them but she got unhappy, she missed her home, she missed her people. Instead of leaving him, she had me, and I kept her there for a while,” This is the part that you really don’t want to tell anyone, “She was never going to stay, it was only delaying the inevitable. They argued everyday before she left, I’d lay awake in bed listening to the shouting and I could feel the anger they both had, only she resented him for trapping her there. The next day she was gone, and that was it.” 

He nods slowly, and takes a step towards you, “And you went to look for her.”

You laugh, but it's cold and hollow. You shake your head, wanting to push him away, “She tried to stage a rebellion against Vizsla and the Empire, it was early on in their rule and they needed Mandalore under their thumb. She died way before I could get to her.” You shrug. You feel responsible for a lot of things, for your father dying, for everyone who died under your command, for everyone who's gotten close to you and ended up in harm's way but your mother is the one person you have never felt responsible for.

“I want you,” You say suddenly, “But you don’t want me. You think you do, but you don’t. My birthright is losing love, and running and leaving. I can love someone but I can’t keep them, because I will always run. I can be with you the way you want me to be, the way that I want to be.” More than anything you just want to let out a long scream, “I am not enough for you.” 

“You are everything to me,” He says, taking you aback. It seems to surprise him too. 

You laugh, genuinely and loudly, “You met me three days go.” 

His cheeks go pink, “You just said you loved me.” 

“Love is one thing,” You say, stay smiling, “Being someone’s everything is a completely different story. I know I was going pretty fucking far into the whole trauma bodning confessional but I did not expect you to match me in intensity.” You say, “I’m not rational, if this is going to work you have to be the one who thinks about things.” 

He rolls his eyes, “And now your back to admitting you want this to work.” 

“Of course I want this to work.” 

“You just said-” 

“I just want you to know what you’re getting into.” 

“Oh I am well aware-” And then he kisses you. 

And all of a sudden you're kissing him back. 

You’re just standing there, more vulnerable than you’ve been in a long time, kissing him and the world around you doesn’t change or anything. Both of you still have a lot of issues to sort out, and the empire is still looking for you but there’s something to be said for a kiss that doesn’t change a lot but means everything. 

That night you sleep wrapped up in his arms. 

He’s asleep faster than you even thought was possible. It’s like he’s been waiting for this moment for so long, and he’s ready to take full advantage. For you sleep is more elusive than that, but you're more than happy to see him so relaxed. The last couple of days have been hectic to say the least, and while you're used to that kind of constant motion you suspect that he stops and smells the roses every once and awhile. 

You think about getting up and walking around, but you don’t want to risk waking anyone up. The problem is that you feel like you're just tempting fate by allowing yourself to settle down. By allowing yourself to sleep you're ignoring the fact that the empire remnant is still looking for you, that sith seems pretty intent on killing you and you still have no way to get in contact with Luke. 

Even if you did, you didn’t know what you would say. Everything is so blurred now, you can’t even untangle what your mission is anymore. And maybe that’s why you can’t sleep, because now that you’ve settled down and thought about it you have no idea why you're even still here. You're in love with the Mandalorian, which is beyond any semblance of reason but that doesn’t make it any less true. 

As you lay there and listen to his snores, you let your mind wander and think about how you could stay like this forever. It’s a new feeling, because you’ve never wanted to stick around one place for too long, after what happened. You’ve learned it's selfish to hold onto things, that you have to allow things to change as rapidly as they wanted to. Only you don’t want this to change, you want to hold onto this moment and somehow make it last forever.

The next morning you know exactly where you need to go to find the answer Din is looking for. “We need to go to Ilum.” 

He narrows his eyes at you in the orange light of the sunrise, “That’s a wasteland, a cold barren wasteland.” 

“Now it is,” You tell him, “But what it used to be was a sacred planet to the Jedi, the kyber crystals that power lightsabers are found primarily on Ilum or at least they used to be.” 

“And you think that the empire left anything when they destroyed the place and all but took it off the map?” 

You shrug, “I don’t know, Vader was evil but he was calculating he wouldn’t do something that wasn’t in his best interest. There could still be structures there, but even if there isn’t it’s still a place deeply connected to the force.” 

“You think that’ll work?” 

“Do you have a better idea?” You shoot back. 

He presses a quick kiss to your lips and shakes his head. 

“I’m always right,” You tease him. You stand up from the bed, and then fall right back into it dramatically with your arms and legs stretched out. “Fuck, now I have to tell Kes I’m fucking leaving.” 

“I can tell you what not to do,” He smiles, “Whatever last night was.” 

You narrow your eyes, “Really because-” You realize what he’s talking about, “Oh wait you mean our conversation last night not-” He laughs and then nods. “I was in a very emotional place right now, and the only other person I’ve ever admitted to having feelings for-” You wince, “-lives here.” 

He looks at you for a long time, but says, “I figured.” 

“You figured?”

“People don’t get that angry at each other unless they’re family or-”

“Well I appreciate you not saying that at all last night, not even hinting at it,” You say, “You and this whole keeping your observations to yourself thing will not work if we’re going to be partners.”

He smiles and you almost melt, “We’re partners?”

“I mean we have kicked ass together multiple times, and looked very attractive while doing it. Us not being partners would be a crime to the entire galaxy.” 

He stands and gets out of the bed, then holds out his hand to you. “Come on, let’s do this.”

You sigh, “Seeing as I am the only one doing it I think that I shouldn’t.” 

“Fine,” He says, “I’ll do it but you have to retrieve the kid.” 

You roll out of the bed with a huff, “I’m getting up.” You pick up your clothes off the ground and pull them on, “I’m not going to touch that little fucking thing, I told you it creeps me out.” 

“It’s a baby,” He says.

“I'm not even going to respond to that.” 

You find Kes in the kitchen after Din takes the kids out into the yard. 

“I’m a runner,” It catches him off guard as he stands in the middle of the kitchen. The sun has fully risen, bathing everything in the hot yellow light. When he turns to you, the sun illuminates his face. “I run from things,” You know where you're going but it doesn’t make it any easier to say, “I run when things get hard, I go away when there are things that I don’t want to do, I turn away when there is something I can’t face.” 

He doesn’t move an inch, he just looks hurt, “I never thought that you would need to run from me.” 

“It’s not you,” You tell him. “I didn’t want to face the fact that she’s dead, I still don’t. This is her life, and being here hurts because it reminds me of how much she wanted to be here to live it, how excited she was to finally be able to raise her son and be with you. This is hard, and so I ran.” You pause, “Now is the point where I’m going to say I’m sorry.” 

A smile pulls at the edge of his lips, “You? Saying sorry? I don’t know if I believe it.” You both laugh. He leans against the counter, “Did you find what you were looking for?” 

You take a breath, and smile a little. “I think I have.”

[inquartata30]

WIP Whenever Yet Again

tagged by @natsora​ which is now like:

Tagging @jt-boi-n7 and @foofyschmoofer no obligations

And here we go—

The Initiative’s leaders had gathered in Pathfinder HQ. Captain Praeton, the turian who had run the shipyard, had been the last body recovered and accounted for from the kett attack. Thaia, once Praeton’s second, was now in charge of the shipyard and with that unwanted promotion had come another: she was part of the Initiative leadership now. She’d only found out last night, the news barely registering between Zahra’s meltdown over a broken toy and Carian going missing for half an hour, buried up to her neck in a mountain of clothes she’d accidentally knocked onto herself while playing in Thaia and Lexi’s closet. She’d only been rescued her after Zahra had heard Carian’s muffled pleas for help. At least Zahra had laughed so hard at her sister’s predicament that the toy was forgotten. 

With Thaia was Aella, tucked close against her chest in her sling. She hadn’t planned on bringing her infant with her, but the second she’d tried to give Aella to someone else for the duration, Aella had started to cry. Thaia had taken her back and, bewildered as fuck, done a shallow meld with her to find out what was wrong. Once she’d peeked in her daughter’s mind, the answer had been clear. Aella simply hadn’t wanted to be separated. Before Thaia had even ended the meld, Aella had settled and fallen back asleep, the reassuring thumps of her father’s heartbeat providing her the comfort and security she’d needed.

Zahra, Anahera, and Carian were safe in Kesh’s office with Jaal, having been old enough to negotiate with. Bribed. She’d bribed them. However, even then they’d only agreed to the separation for a little while, so this meeting had to be short. So far, it didn’t look like it would be, and that really didn’t bode well for Thaia if this was supposed to be a regular thing. Those present—Kandros, Kesh, Sula, Dr. Aridana, Captain Atandra, Pathfinders Ryder, Sarissa, Hayjer, and Avitus—were silent, waiting for Director Jarun Tann to begin the meeting that he’d fucking called in the first place.

He still waited another annoyingly dramatic beat to do it.

“We must plan a funeral for all those whom we have lost,” said Tann, his speech patterns having slowed further as he’d gotten older. Age had leeched so much color from his skin that the only tinges left were hidden in the crags of his wrinkles. Ancient. He was fucking ancient for a salarian and still fucking alive when he shouldn’t have been.

The idea of a funeral was a joke. There was no body to see to, so how could Thaia fulfill the responsibility left to her by tradition? Lexi was dead but not and there would be nothing to watch rejoin the all is one whatever the fuck there was in the end. There was nothing to return to the sea. There wasn’t even a sea.

If Thaia had possessed the ability to light things on fire with her eyes, Tann would’ve been engulfed in flames. Screaming. Screaming like Lexi had over comms.

Behind his desk and not aflame, Tann glanced in Thaia’s direction and then quickly looked away. He shifted in his chair several times, like his seat had suddenly become padded with venomous snakes. He hesitated slightly before he went on. “For the living, there will be a time of mourning, so we may process our grief together.”

He had no right to grieve.

Tann shifted in his chair again. “This afternoon, I will begin the process of integrating the funerary traditions of each culture for the ceremony.”

He didn’t deserve to grieve, much less take charge of their collective grief.

“No,” Thaia said.

Finally, Tann fully acknowledged her. However, he still looked past her, at some arbitrary point on the wall painted with the shadows of everyone in the room, backlit by the Nexus’s artificial sun. “What?” he asked, rough with frustration. “What else would you have me do?”

The fucking gall, the sheer fucking audacity of him to be the one frustrated with her. She dropped her voice.. “You can start by looking me in the fucking eye.”

Slowly, slowly, he drew his eyes from the wall and looked directly at Thaia for the first time since she’d lost her bondmate. “And now will you tell me what else I can do that I have not already done?”

What he had already done was what had gotten them here in the first place. And he knew it.

Rage surged from the fire that hadn’t stopped roaring since the attack. “Invent time travel and fix your fucking mistakes. It was your fucking choices that led to the Uprising and my sister dying in Hydroponics. If that hadn’t happened, she would’ve been there when the kett attacked. Between her and Lexi, they could’ve defeated the kett. Instead—”

“Or they both could have been exalted,” said Tann, as if it was a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

It wasn’t. 

All Thaia saw was Safira and Lexi forcibly transformed into those things, bodies wrenched and twisted and screaming—

Aella was crying. Biotics writhed around Thaia, the flare wiping out the crowd of shadows cast on the wall. It hadn’t hurt Aella and never would, the biotics part of her father as much as her heart, but it had startled her. She would’ve felt the rigid tension of Thaia’s entire body, the intensity that still fueled the flare and Thaia couldn’t stop it and Aella was still crying.

Trusted hands freed Aella from the sling, a trusted friend and mentor softly saying, “I’ve got her,” and then, “we’ll be in Kesh’s office,” as Thaia mechanically passed her the sling. Aella’s crying calmed to sniffles as she was carried down the stairs. The door opened and closed. It was quiet.

Thaia didn’t snap out of it so much as stumble from it, emerging in an empty room, save for one person.

Arms loosely crossed, Sula leaned her hip against the vidcom table in the center of HQ’s middle level. To most, she would’ve appeared at ease, but worry was there in the slight lowering of her brow, along with how her blue eyes flicked back and forth, searching her daughter’s face for... Thaia wasn’t sure what. A sign of sanity, maybe.

“Well,” Sula said, easy as ever, “can’t say I’m surprised. Drack’ll be disappointed that he lost the bet on whether or not you’d throw Tann out an airlock. Tann shuffled out of here pretty quick, though. Didn’t think his old ass had it in him to move that fast.”

“He didn’t have to worry. I wouldn’t have hurt him.”

“Tann’s the only one worried about Tann. The rest of us couldn’t give a fuck about him. We’re worried about you, kid.”

Thaia looked out the window, at the Garson Ward beneath the morning-angled light. A work crew had crowded at the edges of a park scorched black. Another crew was spreading out over a razed field. A gigantic intermodal container meant to carry raw materials for shipbuilding waited on the docks, already half-filled with scrap metal from cleaning up the Commons. The Commons and Hydroponics. Then repairs would begin. Weeks would pass and then Hydroponics would be like new, not even a scar. Like after the Uprising.

Loss lodged a hot coal in her throat. 

Sula spoke again. “Might want to consider letting some of that anger flow away. It’ll tear through like a rip current, but it’ll go.” 

Thaia turned and frowned at Sula, because Sula should’ve been one of the last fucking people calling for cooler heads to prevail. Her dad should be on her side, not Tann’s.

Sula held up her hands, palms out. “I said some, not all.”

The coal crumbled to ashes and embers, scouring Thaia’s voice when she replied, “I can’t.” It was her only handhold. Fingers scraping into hardscrabble ground as she fought falling. 

“This is the most pissed off I’ve seen you since you were that twenty-year-old kid mad at her stepfather, her mother, her dad, and the whole fucking galaxy.”

“What?” Sula had saved her back then. It was what her father did. Only an ungrateful shit of a daughter would be angry with her for that. “I wasn’t mad at you.”

“No? You never got mad that I didn’t come get you after your mom bailed?” The incongruent mildness in her tone infuriated.

Thaia breathed through it. “You couldn’t. The custody agreement was ironclad.”

Sula straightened, questions suddenly thrown out harder, landing as punches. “Because your mother had physical custody of you right then? When she was on Korlus and you on Thessia? Because that asshole turian sure as fuck didn’t have any custodial rights.”

Thaia had forgotten. A few times in those first months, alone in the dark in the middle of the night, frozen in place, lungs burning with the breath she couldn’t catch after waking from her nightmare, she’d questioned why. When she hadn’t come up with an answer, she’d fumed until self-imposed guilt wracked her for being ungrateful. Rattled, she’d focused solely on Aulus, the one who’d hurt her with his hands. Never to anyone had she breathed a word of that small-hours-of-the-night resentment of Sula. But it was still there, smoldering. Her dad hadn’t physically stopped Aulus. The matriarchs in the park had. Sula had been on Illium when it happened, and then it’d been days before she’d gotten to Armali, leaving Thaia believing for all that time that she was completely alone. Now that Thaia remembered, the question wouldn’t go away no matter how many breaths she took. She rotated her left arm, loosening her shoulder before she realized what she was doing. The question persisted. Why. Why. Why hadn’t she been worthy of the same protection as her sisters?

“You can ask,” Sula said and Thaia almost jumped.

The question tumbled out bitter and brutal, her fingers curling into fists. “Why didn’t you get me earlier?”

Where Thaia’s question had been harsh, Sula’s answer was gentle, hushed, and riddled with long-lived regret. “Because I thought she’d come back, too.”

Thaia had spent every day for weeks watching the spaceport after her mother had left, hoping she would be on one of the arriving ships, then pretending she might be because her mother couldn’t really have been gone forever.  “She didn’t.” 

“No. She wasn’t herself anymore. The Indah Kallistrate I’d known for centuries had died long before I accepted it.”

Sula’s point found its mark.

Lexi’s dead.

Lexi’s dead and it’s time you accepted it. If you don’t, it’ll only hurt your kids.

Goddess, she’d made Aella cry when Aella was the one who’d lost the most, and what kind of monster was she to make her daughter cry instead of helping her feel better? Aella had already lost her mother. Unlike her sisters, she wouldn’t be able to remember Lexi at all.

“Aella will only know the Ietrai.” Thaia’s regret mirrored Sula’s, which suited, in her opinion. Like father, like daughter.

“That fucking kett isn’t her mother. Just like the person who abandoned you wasn’t your mother.”

There was another point there, the one Thaia didn’t like to think about. But, whether she acknowledged it or not, it was still one of many sources of her rage. So, it got its chance to torch, too. “I should’ve gotten there sooner.” Thaia looked out at the ward below, at the repairs being made, at the cargo container now nearly filled to the brim with wreckage. This was what failure looked like.

Sula stepped between Thaia and the window, relentlessly refusing to let Thaia break eye contact. “You didn’t have a choice to go sooner. I did. And I’ve spent a long fucking time trying to make up for not doing what you needed me to. Unlike me, you did everything right. That’s all anyone could ask of you and you need to hear that.”

What Thaia needed was for Sula to make this better, to fix this fucking nightmare, but nothing was fixed despite Sula being right there and Thaia just—goddess, she just wanted to fight. It burned through every centimeter of her body, and she tried and she tried to stop it from consuming her. Taut and shaking like a huntress’s overdrawn bow, Thaia couldn’t stop it all. “Lexi’s gone! If I’d done everything right, she would still be here!”

[elmidol]

Yours and Yours Alone

Three Blind Tooke Part Two Precarious Harmony

Read on AO3

Warnings: none

Three Blind Tooke

Part Two: Precarious Harmony

Chapter Thirty-Four : Yours and Yours Alone

 It was the Naboo of your childhood that you dreamed of and longed for on those rare occasions you had time to dwell on your desires. That was the Naboo that flashed before your mind’s eye in the seconds succeeding Kylo Ren ordering the course to be set. Your father was alive on that Naboo, and you momentarily allowed yourself to imagine what your wedding would have been like in more ideal circumstances. Your father walking you down the aisle. The groom someone you cared for, someone who had never harmed you. The fantasy was not something that could last. Kylo Ren nibbled on your finger again prior to him pulling away and rising to his feet. You stared directly ahead at his shins.

 The screen that had depicted the Resistance fleet caught your attention. You lifted your eyes to it, observing the destruction of the cruiser that had started to face the  Supremacy . Perhaps it had been readying itself for a last minute attack. It was futile to dwell on it. You had other concerns, such as how long Kylo Ren planned to leave the Resistance alone. He would need time to draw Rey closer to himself and the Knights of Ren. Now that he was Supreme Leader, he had far too many resources at his disposal. Far too much power.

 You were not like that. This was one aspect where you were far different than your captor. You had never fallen in love with the idea of power, and thus you were not seduced by the title Kylo now held.

 Panting from the exertion of the fight and the heat in the throne room, you pushed yourself onto your feet and rejected the hand that Kylo offered. His eyes narrowed when you stepped around him with the intention of re-joining Rey. It was not your name you heard called. From the ginger haired man that had given the order resulting in your mother’s demise, it was  tooka  . From the man that had captured you and, cruelly, kept you alive, it was  tooke . You had had numerous names since you had left home and joined the Resistance. It was but a simple task for you to shed them as you moved on to a different chapter.

 Your hands fit together well, fingers entwined with the names tattooed onto your flesh available for your viewing pleasure. That was all a marriage to Kylo Ren would be, you thought. A new name, nothing more.

 You recalled the night you had felt wetness on your cheek, which you had believed were tears from your enemy. You remembered the times he had accused you of feeling nothing for him.  This means nothing. That did sum up how you were beginning to feel. This numbness would not last you forever. Naboo would jar you back to the reality of your situation as well as that of the galaxy.

 The heat of the throne room faded away as you traveled down the hallway. Two sets of footsteps followed behind you. General Hux and Kylo Ren spoke to one another regarding upcoming plans for the First Order, namely how they would strengthen the army that would face Skywalker alongside the Knights of Ren. The Resistance would aim to recuperate enough to face the First Order anew. These men were in no way idiots. While the late-Supreme Leader had in fact been pulling the strings, it was becoming increasingly clear to you that Kylo Ren and General Armitage Hux had been solely responsible for numerous decisions they had made. They were less puppet-like than you had believed.

 The new Supreme Leader lengthened his strides to allow himself the ability to take the lead. Your pace fell, slowing until both men were in front of you. Your gaze flicked from one to the other and back. In the long stretches of hallways and corridors that the three of you took to rejoin Rey and Captain Phasma, you found yourself wondering if this was all nothing more than a dream. Or perhaps it was hell. If being by your father had been real, if it had been the quick stage of purgatory before you were judged for your monstrous deeds committed for the sake of killing monsters, this could very well be your prison. It would last forever if that were the case.

 The rims of Rey’s eyes were red, as though the young woman had shed tears when saying her farewell to the unconscious Finn. There were a multitude of other reasons for her to have cried.

 Kylo looked to the female Force user while gesturing to you. “Care for her. She will take you to my quarters. I will not use them until better accommodations have been made for you.”

 It went without saying that Kylo Ren refused to entrust your life to either Captain Phasma or General Hux. He knew that Rey would keep you safe. In a beautifully, twisted way the man who had condemned you to this life was attempting to protect you. Marriage ensured that those who served him would no longer view you as a prisoner, as a Resistance member. Their lingering resentment would forever remain in the same manner that you would never be capable of erasing the past. The difference would be that their obligation to treat you, namely when it came to medical issues, would intensify. Any insult served to you would be directed towards the Supreme Leader. If either Hux or Phasma attempted to harm you, they would be committing treason. Given that they were equally responsible for the death of Snoke and his guards, they did not have any sort of leverage over the Force user.

 A pair of cold, blue-green eyes landed on your body. General Hux was now aware that Kylo Ren knew of his intentions to either use or kill you. Anything to weaken the new Supreme Leader. It was why the redhead was being forced to remain so close to the other man’s side, at least until the Knights of Ren arrived.

 You were merely grateful for the fact that you would have time away from the two men that had been dictating how your life would go. Without waiting to see if Rey would follow you, you headed in the direction that you remembered Ren’s quarters were located. You did not have the  Supremacy  mapped out in your mind in the same manner that you had been able to commit the  Finalizer  to memory. The blank spaces in your mental map caused you to pause in your steps, to hesitate in making decisions when it came to picking a direction. Rey’s footsteps echoed yours.

 “You should have gone with them, with your friends,” you murmured when the two of you were on the lift that would take you to the hallway leading to Ren’s quarters. “You think there’s good in Ren—and, I guess, in a way there is… I’ve seen it. But it’s not… You shouldn’t have stayed for him. I know you think you were close to changing him, but—”

 “I didn’t stay for Ben,” Rey said, her voice firm yet gentle as she interrupted you. “I stayed for  you .”

 You collapsed to your knees at her words. Fingers were in your hair, and those were yours. Hands were on your shoulders, and those were hers. Your jaw was aslack, your lungs taking in shaky breaths. Inhaling then exhaling in hopes to expel the sudden pressure in your chest.

 The bottom line was that you did not feel as though you were worth saving. Not only due to your broken body, which could fail at any given moment because you had treated it poorly following your injuries; you had aided Kylo Ren in bringing this woman across the galaxy to him. She would have left with her friends if not for you. Perhaps she would have been able to join Luke Skywalker in facing the First Order. Or she would have fallen with the last of the Resistance. Either way, you had no place in her destiny. You did not deserve that after all you had done.

 Once upon a time, Kylo Ren had said that you were not afraid of dying. You had contradicted this with the truth, that you were afraid. But what terrified you beyond anything else was leading others to their deaths. This could very well be what you had done for Rey. All because she believed that you were worth protecting.

 “I helped prepare him for hearing his birth name come from your lips.” You felt like the lowest lifeform in all the universe. Rey genuflected beside you, her hand on your back. You flinched at the contact. Your vision swam, the various shades of grey melding together then drifting apart. With the danger posed by Snoke and the guards fading away into a thing of the past, with the Resistance temporarily safe from the First Order, the adrenaline that had been coursing through you lessened. This coupled with your emotionally vulnerable state to render you exhausted. You feared that you would lose consciousness on the lift. Rey murmured something to you. It took longer for your brain to register it.  It doesn’t matter. I know why you did it.  The sob that left you this time was one of sheer relief.

 You laughed next as the tears spilled down your cheeks. You believed her. Had the words come from anyone else, such as Rose or another Resistance member, you would not have trusted them. With Rey, you knew that she could understand your motivations better than most. Ironically, it was due to the Force that she was able to wield. The Force, which you continued to  hate  because of how it had been used against you.

 The lift came to a stop, however neither you nor Rey stepped off. You pinched the bridge of your nose between two fingers in the hopes of relieving some of the pressure that was building from the storm of emotions assaulting you. Rey’s hand moved from your back. She cupped your upper arm, tugged you to your feet, and slid her other arm behind your back to cradle you. You allowed her to drag you along. All the while you offered clipped statements to aid in directing her to Kylo Ren’s quarters.

 You stumbled through the door, and broke away from the young woman who had been the embodiment of hope for you. Your hands were moving of their own accord, or perhaps from some subconscious need to rid yourself of the First Order insignias that existed on the borrowed clothing you had been given. You stripped down to nothing more than your undergarments. It did not occur to you that Rey might be uncomfortable with the display. You had momentarily forgotten all social etiquette your parents had drilled into you from a young age. There was a loose shirt, one of Ren’s, that you grabbed out instead.

 Only once you were clothed did you remember that she was present. You regarded the brunette, who had sat on the edge of the bed. Her palms were on the mattress, and her eyes were on you. Cautiously, you ducked your head and walked over to the piece of furniture. She had been in this room with you and Kylo before via their bond. Not that the two of you had been able to see one another. Regardless, it allowed for a sense of calm to easily envelope the room. You climbed onto the mattress and rested your head on the pillow you had previously used. Rey stretched out next to you.

 “You’re to be his Knight...and me… He wants to marry me. After all he’s done, I’m supposed to be his wife.” There was a tremor in your voice, and you despised it with all your being.

 You laid there in bed with Rey, your flesh covered by nothing more than the loose shirt and your undergarments. She was on her stomach. Her head turned towards you so that she was able to see your face. “You’re afraid.” A statement from her, one you had heard come from Ren’s lips. It was different now. Worry in her voice mingled with confusion. Despite the bond that existed between the two of you, she did not know you as well as he did.

 “It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, not really,” you said in a whisper that was loud enough for her to hear without straining. “It’s  my  choice. He wronged  me . Whether I forgive him or not… Whether I choose to put that—all of it—into the past or not…

 “But that isn’t how I think of things. Not with this. I think as though I’m on the outside looking in. I think of it as though I had been watching who I’ve been forced to become. And who I might have been.  How could she be with him like that?  But any choice I make is wrong. Any choice I make is right. It’s my choice.  Mine . I just… I don’t know how to make it. It’s so easy to judge when you’re on the outside looking in. It’s easy to make the decision.”

 You rolled over to where your back was to her, quite similar to the way you laid that first night in bed with Kylo. Back when you had referred to him only as  creature . This part of what you had to say, you could not look her in the eye. You had spoken of the incident with General Hux before you had had sex with him. There had been a lack of details offered on your part. For this, you were grateful given how things had turned out with the officer.

 “I don’t… There are many things that I do not remember. He used the Force to control me many times.” You swallowed thickly, squeezed closed your eyes, and forced yourself to take a trip down a dark portion of memory lane. “Snoke said that Kylo hated me because of a memory I had from my childhood. It was a memory that he saw when he was in my head that first time. I didn’t know that at the time though. The thing that terrified me, that hurts more than anything… I… I remember him hesitating that first time, right before he had me use his lightsaber to…” You shook your head again, unable to say the words aloud despite having said them before. “He knew what he was doing was wrong, that it was… He didn’t rape me with his body that time.”

 Rey had shifted on the bed behind you. The mattress rocked, and there was a sound of flesh sealing over lips. Her hand. She muffled any noise she may have made, which drove further the horror of what had happened to you. You had forgotten that she could not have known how Kylo Ren had treated you, not to the extent he had. She had known you were his prisoner as well as his guest. You could sense from your bond that she knew he cared for you on some strange level, that it confused you and shook you to your core. He had hurt you. She had to have been able to sense that. She clearly had not been prepared for the news that Kylo Ren had raped you.

 The dam, however, had been broken. Words tumbled from your lips faster than your mind could process them. You felt safe with her. It was the first time you found that you could say these things aloud. The first time you were speaking with someone who had never been your enemy about the horrors you had faced, all you had endured.

 “He did it in stages. Looking back, it’s almost like he had to build up to the actual rape. And even with that, I had no control of my body. He couldn’t pin me down that first time. He almost did. In the forest, he almost raped me, but he stopped when I finally broke down and begged him to not. I wonder what was going through his mind then. If he remembered that he was human, that what he was doing was wrong. If that’s true, though, he used my mouth like it didn’t matter. Then his hand.”

 Adrenaline coursed through your veins as you spoke. You were trembling, your teeth chattering together as though you were again on the cold surface of Starkiller Base. Behind you erupted a sob. You mentally swore prior to releasing an audible curse. Hearing someone cry on your behalf stung. You were not searching for sympathy. Knowing that you were receiving it did not still your tongue.

 “At the end of it, the first time he raped me… When I truly lost my virginity to him, I… I don’t remember most of it. Just bits and pieces. The end of it, though, I had control again. He said: ‘You seemed to enjoy yourself, little tooke.’ And then he told me, while he was, uh, putting… While he was re-adjusting himself, he told me that I was ‘such a pretty sight’. I thought it was to insult me, but the horrible thing is that I think he meant it. I don’t think he meant to say it. He did... He would do things every now and again that in retrospect I believe is proof that on some disgusting level he did care for me. How do I forgive and forget that? That isn’t… That is not the kind of love I was raised to know.”

 You fell quiet, and the room was filled only by the sounds of your breathing and the muffled crying of the young woman in bed with you. There was a part of you that wished to tell Rey she need not cry for you. Those horrors were in the past. Besides, you were unable to accept any sympathy; this you learned as the sensation of being struck through the heart caused your chest to ache. This occurred, too, beyond the fact that someone was pitying you and delving into the realm of your realization that your volatile feelings for Kylo Ren did include the hints of affection. That tiny glimmer of light within him, you loved it. It was this same glimmer that had assisted in persuading Rey to board the  Supremacy .

 Taking pity on Rey for the level of empathy she had, you moved your body to allow your eyes to meet. Those tears nearly broke your heart. Her entire form trembled with another sob. Given that she had grown up as a scavenger from Jakku, you well knew that she had seen sights of such horror in the past. Mangled bodies, losses of limb, carnage you learned only after joining the Resistance. Had she ever allowed herself to grow close to any of those individuals? Or was the intimacy of friendship—and of Force bonds—new to her? For you, it had been months since you had done this, cared for someone and not regarded them as an enemy, as someone who would betray you.

 Trembling, that was the behavior of the hand you used to reach towards her face. You touched her cheek just above where her own hand rested as she kept her mouth covered. This time when you spoke, your voice was as quiet as it had been before yet far more gentle. Soothing words spilled from your lips. Some of them were lies. Others were half-truths. Rey listened to it all. Her hand shifted away from her mouth and met your hand. She cupped it to her face, increasing the pressure you used. Your heart stuttered, your words momentarily failed you.

 An impression through the bond, the sense of self-loathing over how Rey had allowed herself to become entangled in the connection she had with Kylo Ren, the one that had been created—or at least nursed—by Snoke. She had traversed that dark mind while in the heat of battle. It had spurred her onwards, allowed her to defeat the Praetorian Guards. She had  welcomed  it. Now that she was aware of the what its source had been capable of doing, Rey was appalled.

 “You are not responsible for his actions,” you whispered, stroking her hair. “Neither is Snoke.” Her mouth closed, and the sob this time was silent as well as much weaker than its predecessors. “Snoke… I know that he influenced Kylo’s choices. He helped to corrupt him, to drag him further into the darkness. Ultimately, though, it was Kylo who did that to me. Not Snoke.”

 “When… When he was younger, Luke sensed darkness in him. Ben woke up to his uncle standing over him with a lightsaber drawn. He believed—”

 “I tried to kill Kylo. Many times,” you said, cutting her off. “And he’s nearly killed me more than once. Luke Skywalker is  not  responsible for my being raped. There is never any excuse for it.”

 This was something that she already believed as well, though she childishly attempted to rationalize such violent behavior. She was bracing herself for whichever decision you made. Conjuring arguments to support a decision to forgive him; giving room for you to demand she understand why you could not. More than that, she wanted to comfort you. It was as though she could sense just how confused  you  were.

 “I didn’t stay for Ben. But I don’t want to give up hope that he can return.”

 You did not have the heart to argue with her. At one point—at multiple points—you had harbored similar hopes. The female Force user placed one hand on your upper arm. She voiced that she would not allow you to be lost; you were not a sacrifice to return Ben Solo to the Light. Your eyes wandered her face. Was this how Kylo Ren had felt when he had called you foolish for clinging onto the Resistance after your capture? You were not as cruel as he was. You squeezed your hands into fists between your body and hers, ensuring that the tattoos were not within sight.

 “I hate the Force.” Rey shook her head. Her tears had dried up, and now her brow furrowed. She began speaking of the Force’s beauty. The balance. Light. Dark. Life. Death. You mouthed a single word.  No.

 Rey lifted her torso then cupped your face in both of her hands. “I felt you through the Force.” It felt as though she had delivered a blow to your stomach. “Some of the goodness I sensed from Ben… It came from  you . I felt you, how you have complicated him. I know the darkness in him is more than I want to believe. That is not the Force. The Force is in all living things. It connects us, and I… I refuse to believe that it is evil. I’ve touched that darkness. Not only in the throne room with Snoke. On Starkiller as well. I almost gave in, but that wasn’t the Force, not really. That was my anger.

 “The things he did, the way he robbed you of your freewill, that  is  evil. That was  him  . That was not the Force.” It was strange how quickly things had changed; you were now the one sobbing, and she was the speaker. You did want to believe her. More than anything, you wanted to be the person you had been in the past. The one who knew that there existed monsters in the galaxy, while also appreciating all the beauty that life had to offer. “He tortured me on Starkiller, and it is nothing I can ever forget. I chose to forgive him—and you’re right. It is  your  choice. It doesn’t matter what I chose. My hurts are my own. Please don’t let him take this away from you though. Whether you’re able to forgive him or not, don’t let him take away  your  light. Because I saw it. I saw you through the Force. Not your face. It wasn’t anything physical. It was  you . The Force is in you, and you are not evil. You’re not something to hate.”

 You clutched the front of her clothing, balling the material into your fists and brushing your nose along hers. You wanted, desperately, to believe what she was saying. On some level, you did. Yet your mind argued with you. It waged a war.  You had sex with your mother’s killer.  The voice within was cruel and merciless.  You failed to save your comrades. You’ve developed feelings for their murderer.  A smaller voice, an echo of Rey’s, whispered:  Some of the goodness I sensed from Ben… It came from you.

 She had told you that you had complicated him, and you had previously informed him that was what he had done to you. Was  that  the Force? A paradox that could cause great awe and terrible fear? It was what you wished to believe. You allowed yourself to clasp onto this view. Thought of that moment with your father, the one that may or may not have been real. If the Force had allowed that—oh, but it was cruel yet merciful. Seeing your father, only to have him release you.

 Before exhaustion at long last claimed its victory, you whispered Rey’s name just to hear her say yours.

 ~

 The hammering of your heart was relentless as you rounded the corner, shuffling quickly enough that he could miss seeing you, though you did not run as such actions would summon his gaze. You had thus far been able to avoid Kylo Ren. Seeing him there in the doorway, his eyes surveying every individual who passed him by, had evoked a strong sense of fear. Fear as well as anticipation. You squeezed your eyes closed, pressed up against the wall, and took the risk of glancing past the corner. Air was sucked from your lungs. Empty. It reminded you far too much of the day he had nearly killed you, the day you had become his prisoner. You desperately searched further, craning your neck to no avail.

 Your lips formed a mute swear. Pushing off the wall, you flung yourself down the hallway at a brisk pace. Remaining out in the open would get you caught. You needed more time away from him. Time to finish clearing your head. The visit you had had with Rey replayed in your mind. There had been such clarity offered. Life beyond Kylo Ren. She had not used a nickname with you. It was  you  she spoke to. Not anyone she thought you should be or were. No sense that she was claiming you despite the bond you shared.

 A dim glow had you halting long enough to open the door and head down the stairs. You cursed the metal that they were made from. The sounds of your footsteps echoed off the walls, forcing you to slow your pace. At the bottom of the stairs, you searched the room. Supplies. Hearing the door open, you wasted no time in diving to the shadowy corner underneath the stairs. You held a hand over your mouth to muffle your own breathing. One step. Another. Pausing. The footsteps moved in the opposite direction.

 It was as you were lowering your hand from your mouth that you saw movement in your peripheral. Not enough time to react. The hand on your breast belonged to the arm blocking you from moving forward. His other hand dragging aside the collar of your shirt. A wet kiss on your collarbone then teeth. He nibbled at you, pressed his body into yours, and gently groped your chest. The hand that had been tugging at your shirt moved around you. A loose embrace. The hand now cupping you, rubbing you through the layers of your clothes.

 Tilting back his head, Kylo Ren whispered, “You knew I’d find you.” You did. “I always do.” He did. “Tooke.” It sounded so filthy, the husky way he said your pet name. Your jaw slackened. Already you were panting, and confusion began to cloud your mind. It excited you that he was holding you this way. Physically it felt good, his lips skimming your flesh before his tongue flattened over the bite marks he was leaving. Not enough to hurt. A quick pressure. Sucking at the skin he captured. “You can’t hide from me.”

 That was the dream that had plagued you as you slept in Rey’s arms. It was the catalyst for your leaving the bed to escape into a shower. The spray of the water hit to the left of your leg. You were huddled in the corner, your knees brought up to your chest and your arms wrapped around them. Droplets of water splashed from the floor onto your feet and legs. A light mist wet other portions of your body. You had locked the door to the refresher. Originally you had not intended to take so long, however the tears had started. The confusion mounting anew. You would soon be on Naboo, albeit a different one than from your fantasies.

 Susurrations filtered through the vents that connected the refresher to the remainder of the quarters. The bond between Kylo Ren and Rey had not been eliminated despite Snoke’s demise. You had not expected it would, considering yours remained as well. And you were no Force user.

 What was she saying to him? You failed to comprehend the snippets and syllables that did meet your ears.

 Steam crawled along the walls of the shower stall. Condensation clung to the tiles, and you swiped a lone finger down a straight line. The water was more heated than the dialogue exchanged by the two Force users. Rey was not discussing what you had shared with her. It was something else. Something… Your eyes widened as you heard the door to Kylo Ren’s quarters open. Concern did not warrant a visit from the new Supreme Leader. Even though you had locked her out. How  was  she to react to that? Kylo Ren knew you better than she did, you reminded yourself.

 There were no inhibitions that may have prevented Kylo Ren from unlocking the refresher door. He did not call upon the Force to do so. Rey would have been plenty capable of accomplishing that much. She did not want to use the Force against you as Ren had countless times.

 Your head collided gently with the showerwall. Staring up at the ceiling, you did not react when the curtain was drawn aside. That wretched dream replayed. He always found you. Presently he lowered himself into a crouch. One shoulder met the very edge of the wall. The spray formed a mist of droplets on the side of his face. The familiarity of his presence was a sinful comfort for you. You dropped one hand away from your legs to pat the floor directly beside yourself. You had done this before as well. Asking him to sit next to you. Only then the both of you had been dressed and outdoors.

 That had been the first time he had kissed you.

 This was no repetition. Unlike on the previous occasion, Kylo Ren did not oblige. The muscles in your legs contracted, as though you would leap up and run somewhere—away from the rejection. “The tooke will break.” He said such cruel things to you. So hurtful. It was like nails dragging down the length of your heart, shredding it to pieces. “You’re funny.” You shot him a glare.

 Faltered the next second. Kylo Ren had drawn aside his cape and lifted the hem of his tunic. Attached to a belt loop on his pants was the electronic pet he had once given you. This. These were the actions he made that baffled you. The tangible objects you had been gifted. He always brought them back to you. The tooke hairclip withdrawn from somewhere on his belt.

 “I vowed to you that I would keep you by my side—the best position for you to find openings to end my life. Marriage is a tool for you to gain the supplies and techniques you need.” What was the marriage to him? You were too afraid to ask. “For you to kill your past with me, if that is what you decide… You were fighting for him.”

 “My father,” you said, your voice pitched. It was as though the water had frozen to ice. It stung your flesh wherever the mist touched. You no longer thought of the Naboo from your childhood; instead, you imagined the place your father’s headstone would be. Had he been cremated? Had he been buried? It was the first time Kylo Ren had offered you any true sense of closure.

 That was not the love that your parents had ensured you grew to know either. It was not the toxicity that had once been your relationship with the man.

 You broke eye contact first. His gaze lingered on your face even as you stood from the floor to twist the knobs and shut off the water. You rested your forehead on the wall. The absence of a threat to the electronic pet left an opening for Kylo Ren to enter the shower. He did not hesitate in taking it. The material of his clothing pressed up against your naked skin.

 “‘The First Order will devour the Resistance’.” His lips were on the back of your neck. His breath when he exhaled at the sound of your words. “You did. You consumed my life before I met you, and it changed who I had been. Then you ate away my future with your blade. Dined on the final bits of what I used to be, who I used to be. You made me hate the Force for a while there. Worse, you caused me to hate myself. You said you wanted that. I wanted you to be unlovable, and you wanted me to be  nothing .”

 “You were never nothing. Not to me.”

 “I exist beyond you.” It felt like a weak half-truth. So caught up had you been in hunting him, now you were posing to yourself the question General Hux had once asked. If Kylo Ren died: what then? What would you do then? Now, if he did not die, if you chose to join him… “I could never join the First Order, nor what it stands for.”

 That mouth was at your ear. “Your skills will assist both the Resistance and the First Order. Rey is similar. The two of you will learn. I will bring peace and order to the galaxy. Snoke was wise, yet still foolish. It took me a while to understand that, but I did. You… You and Rey, you helped me to see.”

 The cost of this revelation had simply been so much of you.

 “The guards were not the last of Snoke’s allies, nor have they been the only factor driving this war into what it has become. The New Republic allowed for this as much as those funding the creation of the weapons we use. The Resistance is not ignorant, not its leaders. They knew. How could they not?”

 You better understood what Rey had attempted to convey to you the previous night. How one’s humanity—any species, their morality—could alter what the Force stood for. What the war stood for. Kylo Ren had once used the Force against you, perverting its very nature and robbing you of yours. It was not the Force you had hated. These others, these seemingly neutral parties, they  did  love war. It was not peace that they hoped for. It was money. If ever the galaxy was to find peace, eventually the First Order and the Resistance, what was left of each, had to achieve the same goal. They had to find a common cause. It had worked to defeat Snoke.

 “I’m terrified to trust you.” His hands eclipsed yours. You stared at the leather, which hid those two names from your eye. “Who are we becoming?”

 He did not attempt to offer a response. It could be that he did not have one, or that he feared it would upset you. Whichever the case, the silence hung in the air. Kylo walked with you out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around your body. Rey’s reflection caught your eye in the mirror. You looked from the reflective surface to the young woman herself. She stood in the doorway, awkwardly shifting from one leg to the other. Your near nakedness had a limited impact on her. Her gaze wandered about your body, generally remaining on your shoulders and higher. Ren broke physical contact only once he had positioned you closer to the door and the female Force user.

 The words Hux cannot be left alone for long slipped from him as he nodded at Rey and exited the refresher. Your bare feet slapped against the ground. Rushing forward, you barely managed to catch his wrist. There was no need for you to articulate the reasoning for your actions. He rolled the arm that you had latched onto, securing the tooke clip that was within the hand into your hair. His hand then patted directly over where the electronic pet was located. Rather than return this item to you as well, the man whispered that he would give it to you after you spoke with your father on Naboo.

 There was no room to argue with him. Not because you did not desire the familiarity of the pet; Kylo Ren had spoken the truth in regards to General Hux. Without Kylo, Rey or the Knights of Ren present, the First Order officer would seek out any means to overthrow the new Supreme Leader. And he would be far more ruthless in his methods of destroying the Resistance.

 When again it was only the two of you inside of Kylo Ren’s quarters aboard the  Supremacy , Rey said your name. You looked to the right in order to meet her inquiring gaze. She, averting her eyes, asked how you had been captured by the First Order. Throughout your entire tale the previous night, you had never elaborated on that part of the tale. You set a lone hand over your abdomen, touching your scar through the towel. There were no more splinter cells. Speaking of them endangered none of your allies. You did not worry if Kylo Ren had any cameras hidden in this room—you doubted that they existed here. The young woman listened to your story. How you had come to obtain the position of LDS tasked with the duty of hunting down Kylo Ren. You spoke of your capture. Waiting there to be burned along with your allies. You ended the story there. No need to revisit the other horrors.

 “When you were ill, he told me that your body was in a weakened state because of a lightsaber wound.” You nodded, offered up the medical terms that had been given to you.  Secondary endometriosis.  The way your organs had been fused together and damaged. A weakened immune system. “You’re struggling with the idea of marrying him.” This was true. You accepted it on many levels, namely the reasoning Kylo Ren had brought up in the refresher. Yet this was not how you had envisioned things would be if ever you wed. Rey pushed off the door frame and walked towards the center of the room. “I’m to lead the Knights of Ren. I want peace for the galaxy. I know to let the Force guide me—Master Skywalker… He may not have been the greatest teacher, but I did learn things from him. It is easy to give into the darkness. I told him that I would not fail him as Kylo had.”

 You better understood her, and why she had cried the previous night. Not only at what you had been dealt, but with whom she had aligned herself. She felt as though she was betraying her allies, though you understood her true reasoning for remaining behind. At this time, the best way to defeat the First Order was from within. She could not return to Luke’s side as she wanted to. Rey had to rely on herself, to know and accept herself in the same manner you had been forced to. In doing so, she would learn to work with the Knights of Ren. She would break down the poison being fed to the minds within the First Order. Kylo Ren was wavering; why should his Knights— her  Knights—be any different?

 It was ironic to you that Kylo Ren’s jealousy had caused him to attempt to pervert your connection with Rey. Now he was pushing you towards one another. Did he realize what he had done? Neither of you had to work alone. You both would toe that darkness without allowing the other to be submerged.

 The sense of loneliness that had lingered regardless of whether Hux or Ren were in your presence was eliminated. You had a true ally here. The Resistance had sent the both of you on this mission, albeit at different times. Bring down Kylo Ren. Defeat the First Order.

 “For now, Kylo will get precisely what he wants.” You paused, allowing time for the information to be digested. You were struggling with the it yourself. It went against so much of what you had been trained for, what you had been aiming to do. “You as the new Master of the Knights of Ren. He is the Supreme Leader of the First Order. And I’ll… I can marry him. Marriage can mean nothing.” Rey’s lips twitched. As though something was dancing on the tip of her tongue; something that she did not allow herself to say. You already knew what it was, for it was on the tip of your tongue as well. At the forefront of your thoughts.

 The marriage did mean something. It was more than nothing. It was only after marrying him that you would know if you would focus on killing him, or allow yourself to set aside the past. You swiped your thumbs on the undersides of your ring fingers.

  His.

 What you had struggled against, denied countless times. Only by allowing yourself to become his wife, by agreeing to the marriage, would you know the extent of the broken love you had for one another.

 “I’m terrified, Rey.”

 “Any choice you make is yours.” It was different, you mused, than when you had gone to General Hux’s bed under the false pretense of having a choice. Forgiveness. That  was  your choice, and one that no one could force from you. “Any choice you make is  right .”

 It is wrong to want someone to die. It is wrong to forgive someone for committing unspeakable crimes. It is wrong to kill in cold blood. It is wrong to love your enemy. It is wrong to hate.

 You lifted the names to your lips and kissed them.

  Dad, what is the right choice for me?

[pineaberry]

Fictober 2019: #17

Star Wars: The Old Republic.

Inspired by all the Quinn love on my dash, here it is:

The Transponder Station Pt. 4: THE THRILLING CONCLUSION

Pt. 1 Found Here: [X]

Pt. 2 Found Here: [X]

Pt. 3 Found Here: [X]

________________________

With some difficulty Malavai managed to focus on the present. The vibroblade handle had skittered across the floor meaning the blade was still inside her. Her belt had tightened around the wound keeping it closed, she must have loosened it. His mind scanned the crew. He would need help, who could he trust to remain calm regardless of whatever dark turn this took?

Broonmark was out of the question. The creature was all fur with claws were too clumsy for something so precise, plus he wouldn’t put it past the savage to try and eat his fallen leader or something equally primitive. Pierce had seen blood before, he might be the least squeamish. Though the bruiser about as dexterous and intelligent as the Talz, he would no doubt recognize the blade and put two and two together. No, that was a confrontation he didn’t want to have while Tremas bled out on the table. Jaesa could help, if she could avoid distress long enough to not to trigger her powers. He wasn’t sure he wanted that kind of observation or that it wouldn’t cause her to do something rash.

Selfish, a voice echoed in his thoughts. She’s dying and all you can think of is keeping up the charade.

Shame filled him but still, coward that he was, he hid behind the fact that he had to save Lord Tremas. If nothing more, he needed to undo the damage he had caused. He turned to the crew exuding the very image of military detachment.

“Everyone out! Vette, you’re with me. Remove her armor while I prep a kolto drip,” he ordered. The Twi’lek was the only one who would allow him to keep breathing should she decipher the truth. Worst case scenario, she was the one easiest to subdue should things go south in the medical bay.

He worked quickly using his medical scanner to find the internal damage. The blade was deeply wedged, but it had thankfully missed her vital organs. He clenched his jaw as the kolto drip mitigated some of the blood loss. The blade would have to be extracted, thankfully the oscillation module on the blade’s handle had been severed quickly by her lightsaber rendering the vibroknife a relatively less deadly knife. He had Vette clean the burn-mark on her face with a kolto infused bandage before going through the painstaking process of removing the blade. Blood streaked metal soon emerged from the tear on her side. 

Unbidden memories of rainy days at Dromund Kaas filtered past his emotional shield as he saw the blade emerge from Tremas’ form. He’d been on his way to procure supplies, a simple enough venture back when there had been only three passengers on board, when out of the blue she had declared that they were all of them going shopping. No doubt their exploits on Nar Shadaa had provided a windfall of credits for her. His Lord had given what had been, in his opinion, an obscene stipend to her Twi’lek slave. He remembered noting how generous she was with her money in contrast to other Siths who had a tendency to hoard their riches. He had attempted to remain calm and professional throughout the trip though he did crack a smile when she saw Tremas’ eye the purple kyber crystals excitedly. His own military stipend allowed for little more than the purchase of an extra uniform, and perhaps an upgrade module for his blaster. His recent promotion and its boost in salary had been stalled going on two cycles, no doubt held up by someone with an ax to grind. And so he had whiled the hours away following his two shipmates and carrying their purchases.

Tremas had insisted on taking them to an expensive bistro high atop a skyscraper overlooking the Imperial Citadel. He'd learned of her taste for green fire sauce, and she of his fondness for Trammistan chocolates and Kopi tea. It was the first time he had felt completely free of the ever present stress after Drukenwell. 

At the end of the day, after setting a course for Tattooine, he'd found a black glossy storage case in his quarters. Upon closer inspection he came to see“M. Quinn” was etched on the side in silver script. After inspecting it for explosives or similarly unwelcome surprises, he opened it to find several sets of clothes and a pair of heavy boots. They were not the standard military issue, but luxury items reinforced with armor, weapon, and even cooling modules. Not only that but there was also a new high end blaster, field medical kit, even a new datapad and to top it all off, the vibroknife he had been eyeing longingly while she’d been bartering for purple crystals. 

She smiled when he mentioned it, of course, as though it were all just a game. He hadn’t wished to be a burden, and he had every intention of supporting himself.

“I’ll not have my Captain traversing the galaxy in rags and tatters.”

It made sense of course, to give him the best tools for the job. He would have believed it was only that, save for the knife. He had no use for it on the field.

“The vibroknife is unnecessary, my Lord. I will not require it to serve you.”

“But you wanted it, Quinn. That’s reason enough. It’s called a gift, welcome aboard.”

He wanted it. That was the only motivation. He wanted it, so she provided it with no strings attached, no ulterior motive. It was such a pure, simple thing, and yet it struck a chord deep inside him that his throat constricted. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had spared a thought about what he wanted.

“I am… overwhelmed, my Lord...”

The memory was cut short as he heard someone sniffling. Vette had begun to cry. Her blue fingertips smoothed dark locks back from ghostly white skin. The stench of blood and kolto was everywhere.

“Please hang on…” she sniffled and it took all of Quinn’s willpower not to break down and cling to Tremas' form like a frightened child. It was his doing. This was what he had strived for since he’d left Balmorra. Yet all he wanted to do was die of shame and guilt.

He sprayed a layer of kolto to seal the wound on her side stemming the blood flow and starting the healing process, before preparing the tank. His hands shook as he prepared her for immersion. He’d done this to her. Every fragile breath, every weakened heartbeat was evidence of his betrayal.

My Lord... my love. Please don’t die.

Idiot. He was an idiot. She could have killed him any number of ways, quick and efficient. Instead she had vented her rage on the droids, allowing him to wear her down to this state. Even then she hadn’t attacked. She could have executed him at once and she didn’t attack.

Even lunging at her should have been easy to block but she… she allowed him near. She had allowed him to wound her to the point of death. Meanwhile, here the traitor stood with only a few minor scrapes and bruises to show for the exchange. He’d mutilated her and in turn, she’d given him his life back. 

Nausea turned his stomach as he felt the slickness of her blood on his hands. Her skin was ice cold and wrong. She who always held his hands and thawed them now lay on a medical bed drained of warmth. Vette was trying to hold back tears as she stood by the Kolto tank.

“What happened out there?” she asked quietly, looking at the Sith Lord floating inside.

He felt a lump in his throat and the prepared words didn’t come. Instead he turned away and attempted to wash his hands wishing his sins could be so easily erased. Vette looked down and saw the ornate blade coated in her friend’s blood. She may have been a lot of things, but she wasn’t stupid. Her gaze fell on the man currently looking as though he were about to retch. Her blood stained his uniform, a fitting image for the things he had done.

“Baras… Baras happened,” the words were like acid on his tongue. Not entirely a lie, no. But his part in the entire sordid affair made the next few words feel like hot coals against his heart, “my Lord was caught by surprise.”

 "You're her tactician! You led her into a trap  and then you just left her? She was bleeding out when she came in! You are supposed to be her support! What kind of field medic just leaves?!"

"My lord ordered me back to the ship before I could analyze her wounds," he said and his words were tainted with the realization that she had probably thought he would take advantage of her wounded state. His heart felt as though it were being crushed under the weight of his guilt. "Even after my failure... my Lord protected me from Baras. This is my fault..."

Until her last breath. Her last words had been spent clearing him of any fault, securing his position with her crew. He was unworthy of her. Whether it was his defeated posture, or the obvious remorse in his voice, his reply was enough to quell any more questions from Vette.

“Yeah, that sounds like her,” she said with a sad little smile, “you know, when I first met her, I thought she looked exactly like what a Sith is supposed to look like. Tall, proud, like she’d never had anyone tell her what to do. I resented her, I hated her... even when she went out of her way to be kind. 

"Then his Tubbiness sent us into a creepy tomb to recover a relic or something. I’d tried to go there myself before and it had been nearly impossible, but with her… it was like taking a stroll on the beach. She kept talking to me even joking but I kept treating her like she was just another weird Sith. After she got the thingie, I hoped to give her the slip. I lagged behind, but got jumped by a pair of crazy Sithlings before I could get very far. I was done for, I knew it. But then she was suddenly there in front of me. Tremas took a lightning blast to the chest to protect me. Shook the pair off like it was nothing, and told me to not to wander off because it was too dangerous. 

“She acted like it had been normal, but I saw the damage at the next medical station. I saw what it’d done to her. She'd taken that blast, and didn't even punish me. When I asked her why she’d saved me said: ‘Because you were afraid.’ Can you imagine it? A Sith stepping in front of a blast of lightning just because some slave girl is scared. I told her she was crazy but after that, I don't think I ever felt safer than when she's around. There’s just something about her. She puts herself in danger constantly for us, I think, we take it for granted sometimes. Everyone sees an undefeated Sith Lord, the Emperor's Wrath, I think... sometimes... we see her like that too and we forget she's a person.”

“I would be a fool to forget,” he said barely above a whisper. He monitored her vitals and avoided Vette's eyes. Hopefully, she would interpret his guilt as a result of his inability to support her properly. “There is little else we can do. You should go inform the others.”

“What about you?” Vette asked obviously trying to determined if he was injured.

“I'm fine, I'll stay here and monitor her progress.”

 Vette eyed him for a moment before reluctantly leaving Malavai with his thoughts. The crew was waiting just beyond the door, and far too late did she realize her clothes were stained with blood. They bombarded her with questions most of which she wasn't sure herself.

For all of its miraculous properties the kolto was working far too slowly for his tastes. She couldn't die, not now... not after having spared him... not after everything they'd done together... not by his hand... His fingers were curled into tight fists to keep himself from shaking.

How little you must think of me. Exactly how stupid did you think I was?

She had known all along and still accepted him. She had known and still had hoped that he would ultimately make the right choice. He had failed her.

It all became too much and he ran to retch in the refresher.

________________________

Read More About Tremas HERE!

Original Fictober Promp List HERE!

[shadowynnn]

star-crossed | part one |

star wars

pairing: ben solo/kylo ren x reader x general armitage hux

soulmate au

a/n: Due to names having significance in the soulmate aspect of this fanfic, the reader will have a name designated to better coincide with the soulmarks I have planned for each person. :)

~~~

“When you turned me down and said you had big plans for your birthday, Sol, I expected something a little more...I don’t know...big?”

Upon hearing your partner’s familiar voice, you rolled out from beneath the X-Wing you had been tinkering with and peered up at his hovering figure.

“I decided to fix up your precious X-Wing out of the goodness of my heart and this is the thanks I get, Dameron?” With a roll of your eyes, you attempted to keep the smile his words brought at bay as you sat up and unwrapped the bandanna tied around your thigh to wipe away the sweat threatening to pour into your eyes from hours of work. “You’re welcome, by the way,” you added, a smile finally breaking its way through as you quirked an eyebrow at the man, silently savoring the way his mouth twitched at your previous use of his last name.

“I just can’t believe you’d rather spend your special day with my starfighter instead of me.” Poe shook his head, faking a pout as he outstretched his hand towards you. “I mean, I really thought we were getting somewhere after our last mission together-you got a little smudge there, by the way” 

You wiped at the grease spot Poe had mentioned before taking his extended hand and letting him pull you to your feet. Your face scrunched up as your partner’s words brought up memories of the Kowakian ape-lizard. It had seemed to take weeks before you had finally managed to erase its scent from your mind and his reminder brought the pungent scent rushing back.

“Don’t go acting all bruised on me now, Poe.” You gave your partner a pointed look, throwing the memories of that mission far behind as you plopped yourself down on a nearby tool bench and took a long swig out of your canteen. “You know I don’t like celebrating my birthday.”

You meant the words in a casual manner but felt your demeanor fall as thoughts you had tried to push away by tinkering on Poe’s starfighter came tumbling back. Images of that terrible night rushed through your mind in swift flashes of fire, smoke, and blood. Nearly five years had passed but you could still hear the screams of the dying and feel the heat of the flames as they ravaged the temple. But worst of all, you could still clearly picture the boy whose name was slowly etching itself across your chest as he had begged for you to join him. And while you never dared mention the thought out loud, you couldn’t help but think it was all because of you.

As if sensing where your thoughts had tumbled, you felt a hand lightly brush across your bare thigh. Following his line of sight, you watched as Poe’s fingers gently trailed across the sweeping black letters that had appeared over your past birthdays.

With a soft sigh, you brushed Poe’s hand away in order to wrap your bandanna back around your leg and hide the other source of resentment for your birthday.

“It might not be him, you know. There aren’t enough letters to be-”

“But it is.” You shook your head interrupting Poe before he could finish his thoughts, a sharp bitterness in your tone. You were quick to soften though when you noticed the downward tilt of his lips. You hadn’t meant to direct your resentment towards him. He was just trying to help, after all. You were just frustrated at the cards fate had played you and the yearly reminder it brought. You were supposed to be counted lucky that you had two soulmates, but you didn’t see how anyone would think you were blessed. Ouf of the billions of souls in the universe, you had been given two people you could never be with. “I don’t know if it’s a soulmark thing or the bloody Force that tells me so, but it’s him. I’m certain of it.”

“Well, my offer still stands if you ever...you know...get a little lonely.” Poe’s eyebrows waggled as he gave you a knowing smirk. He may have not known about the other name etching itself on your body, only General Organa-er Leia as she had repeatedly told you to call her-knew about that one, but he was one of a very few select people who knew about the one you kept hidden with your trusted bandana and often jokingly offered - at least you were pretty certain it was a joke because lately, you had been more unsure - for the two of you to get together until he found his own soulmate, whoever the poor soul might be.

“Oh, keep dreaming, Dameron.” You tried to throw Poe a cutting glare as you promptly kicked him in the side, but you could only keep your smile at bay for a few seconds before it snuck its way through. He might have driven you crazy at times, but he always knew the right thing to do or say when you started slipping back into one of your darker, reclusive moods. No matter how alone you felt at times, Poe was always there to remind you he was there for you.

“Is there a reason you're here, or did you just feel like pestering me again?” You then asked after kicking him once more for the snide comment he muttered about your smile. “Unlike you apparently, I have work to get done, you know?” 

“Your ‘work’ will have to wait,” Poe answered. “General Organa’s assigned us another mission and while she wished it could have waited until after your birthday - which reminds me that she says happy birthday, by the way - we can’t afford to push it back. We need to leave as soon as you’re ready to.” 

“What’s the job?” You ask, your curiosity piqued at the way Poe seemed to straighten back up as he remembered why he came to find you in the first place. It had been a few weeks since you had last been able to leave the Resistance base and you were just itching to get away. It would also serve as a very welcomed distraction.

“A piece of the map’s been located.”

“Are you serious?” Your whole body froze and your earlier excitement suddenly faltered at his words. So much for that distraction. “This isn’t a joke, right? Because if it is, I swear Poe-” 

Poe shook his head interrupting you before you got yourself too worked up. “The General received a message from an old acquaintance on Jakku. We’ve got to go pick it up before the First Order also catches wind of its location and beats us to it.” 

“So, it’s finally happening.” You muttered softly more to yourself than in response to Poe as the weight of what this mission meant began to sink in. “I mean, I always thought we’d be able to, but still...” You shook your head in disbelief. “To think that we might be able to find him after everything that happened.” 

“Are you going to be okay?” Poe asked when your words trailed off and laid a hand tentatively on your shoulder. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. The general would understand, especially with your history...”

“No, no, I’m good,” you replied as you jumped down from the table, suddenly restless and eager to move as a million thoughts started flowing through your brain. “Can’t have you going off on your own, anyways. God knows how much trouble you’d get in without me.” You attempted to throw Poe a smile but the way his brows softened made you realize that he could see right through it. “Trust me, Poe, I’ll be fine.” You cupped one of Poe’s cheeks briefly with your hand as you spoke, in an attempt to reassure him as much as yourself.

You gave him another smile, this one just a bit less pitiful than the first one, before patting his cheek gently and running off to your room to get dressed and ready for the mission before he could argue any further on the matter and before you could talk yourself out of it.

~~~ 

The surface of Jakku was quiet as you and Poe quietly made your way to your destination. The only sounds to be heard were the distant rumblings of the village’s animals and a stray windchime tinkling in the wind. 

Despite the peaceful setting, you couldn’t help but feel on edge as you strayed close behind Poe, your hand hovering over the blaster attached to your belt as your eyes scanned the scene around you. It couldn’t be this easy. After years of searching for Skywalker and the map to lead you to him, it couldn’t be as simple as flying into the village and walking out with the map as this.

But there wasn’t another ship in the night sky and all was at peace on the surface below. You couldn’t make out another soul outside beside you and Poe and even the animals were calm in the pens. 

Upon finding the house of the man you were here to meet, Poe knocked quietly, his dark eyes studying the desert around you as you waited. A few seconds later, a hand pushed aside the curtain and motioned you in. You followed the commands quickly, eager to get out of plain sight and slipped inside the lighted hut while BB-8, Poe’s loyal droid, stayed outside to keep watch.

“Lor San Tekka?” Poe asked as the braided curtains came to a close behind you and the two of you got your first good look at him.

While he was along in age, his face was also wizened in a way which showed he had seen and been through much in his long lifetime. His hair, a bright white, was a stark contrast to his tanned skin, but it was his eyes which caught your attention the most. You could see a sadness in them, a deep mourning for some loss and a startling reflection of your own.

San Tekka nodded his head, moving to sit in one of the empty chairs while motioning for you and Poe to do the same. Once you were all seated, he reached inside his robe and brought out a small, leather sack. 

“This will begin to make things right,” He spoke softly, placing the sack in Poe’s hand and closing it. “I’ve traveled too far, and seen too much, to ignore the despair in the galaxy. Without the Jedi, there can be no balance in the Force.”

His eyes turned to you as he spoke about the lost order, somber eyes staring deep into your own with an understanding that startled you.

He knew. 

Somehow he knew, but you didn’t understand how.

“I can’t.” You shook your head furiously, panic rising in your voice as your hands clenched and unclenched in your lap. “I’m sorry, I just can’t, not after what happened.”

A sad smile filled his features as he reached to take your hands in his and calm their restless movements. 

“Try as you might, young Rhodair, you cannot forgo your destiny. The Force will always be a part of who you are and who you will become.”

You opened your mouth to argue his statement. The Force may always be a part of you, but you would be damned if you ever continued your Jedi training. The order may have been good, but it had only brought you trouble and grief. You would never be a Jedi now, not after everything that had happened. 

But before you could explain any of this, BB-8 interrupted, frantically beeping about an unknown fleet of ships entering the atmosphere as he rolled into the hut.

“We’ve got company.” 

You exchanged a nervous look with Poe, your old thoughts fading away as the growing predicament took priority. Although none of you dared to speak, you all knew whose ships were on their way. It was only a matter of time before the First Order had caught wind of the same tip you had and made their way here. You were just lucky you had managed to be a few minutes earlier.

Your hands slip out of San Tekka’s grip as you swiftly follow Poe out of the hut, a new fear rising up deep within you. You were no stranger to fights with the First Order, but you had never experienced one when you were so disadvantaged. It didn’t matter that you had the best pilot in the Resistance fleet with you, the two of you could never stand alone against an entire fleet of First Order soldiers.

Several of the other villagers were beginning to become aware of the coming ships when you made your way back into the open air. Growing shouts of surprise and warning were heard throughout the village around you. The previously quiet animals grew restless and filled the air with anxious squawking and braying. 

Poe took out his quadnoculars and began scanning the horizon to your east, his dark brows furrowing at what he saw. You couldn’t see what was coming in the dim light, but knew it couldn’t have been good based on his reaction.

“You have to hide.” Poe turned to San Tekka, his face twisted in concern as he handed the quadnoculars to you.

You felt your heart speed up as you saw the number of ships coming your way. There were at least a dozen that you could see at the moment and you didn’t doubt each ship itself held a dozen or two of stormtroopers with them. There would be at least a hundred stormtroopers in the village in a matter of seconds and all you had were yourself, Poe, BB-8, and a few scraggly villages. It was going to be a massacre unless you could think of something fast.

“And you have to go!” San Tekka responded leaving your stomach twisting as you spun around to face him startled at his words. You couldn’t leave them at a time like this. It would be impossible for this small village to be able to hold its own against the trained soldiers of the First Order and would no doubt be slaughtered when they found what they were searching for was no longer here. “Go! You must return the balance!” San Tekka added, pushing you and Poe in the direction of your ships when neither of you made a move to do what he had said. “I’ve done all that I can do. Our hope rests in you now!”

You didn’t want to leave the man but saw little choice. While the thought tore you up inside, you couldn’t sacrifice your help for the map. If you stayed and the First Order got their hands on it, then what hope was left for the Resistance and those who still believed in it? As awful as the thought settled in your stomach, the village had to be sacrificed for the good of the universe.

Exchanging a knowing look with Poe, the two of you took off in the direction of your ships. 

The quiet village quickly erupted into the chaos of a battlefield around you as the stormtrooper transports landed. Sounds of blasters filled the air as the little village tried their best to fend off the elite soldiers of the First Order, but dying screams were quick to follow as the shots hit their mark. 

You did your best to ignore them as you tore after Poe towards your fighters. In the back of your mind, you knew the First Order would be here even if you weren’t but you couldn’t help but feel guilty about their presence nonetheless. This village was innocent, it’s only crime housing a piece of Luke Skywalker’s map and they were paying with their lives.

Shaking your thoughts away, you scrambled inside your fighter. You needed to stay focused on the mission, on the importance of the map Poe had in his jacket. That was all that mattered at this moment. It held the only hope the universe had at this point.

Your fingers flitted over the buttons and screens in front of you, hurridly trying to bring the ship around you to life. But just as you felt the familiar rumble of the engines starting beneath you, you were jarred forward as it was hit. Glancing behind you, you found a few wandering stormtroopers.

“Shit!” You mumbled as your fighter was hit once more causing the engines to sputter a few more times before coming to a stop. 

Casting another glance at the approaching enemy, you saw them fall when Poe quickly took care of them, but his own fighter was starting to catch fire. You grumbled a few more curses as you clambered back out of your ship to assess the state of your X-Wings. You had just fixed his ship and now it was probably going to be scrapped or lost completely.

Your cursing only grew as you took in the state of your own. It would take hours for you to at least be able to get it back in working order, precious time you didn’t have at the moment. As your frustration grew, you gave your shot X-Wing a swift kick. You didn’t think this day could get any worse.

“You take this. It’s safer with you than it is with me.” You spun around thinking Poe was talking to you, but his attention was towards BB-8 as he offered the small robot the map. “It’s safer with you than it is with either of us.” 

BB-8 was quick to disagree but upon Poe’s determination it still begrudgingly took the map and locked it away. 

“Go on, BB-8, we’ll be fine.” You encouraged the bot when it looked to you despite Poe’s urges for it to leave. 

You didn’t like the idea of parting ways with BB-8, or the map for that matter, but knew it was your best bet at this point. With both of your ships completely shot at the moment, you would have to stay hidden to not only stay alive but escape capture as well. But upon glancing back at the battlefield, you felt your luck already beginning to run out. Your ships weren’t hidden and it wouldn’t be hard for the First Order to realize Resistance members were still on Jakku with the map. With that knowledge, you knew they would sweep the planet and kill anyone in their way until they found you. What BB-8 now held was that important to them and to you. Just as the villagers’ sacrifice was important, so would be your own.

“Don’t worry buddy, we’ll find you when this blows over.” You gave the small robot a reassuring pat on the head, hoping it was unable to see the worried state you were in. Glancing between the two of you once more, BB-8 let out a series of nervous beeps before taking off into the desert.

With the fighting starting to quiet down, you swiftly made your way to a nearby patch of grass to hide and watch the scene unfolding before you. The remaining villagers had started to surrender upon realizing their ultimate defeat and were being rounded up by gunpoint towards the center of the village. You found San Tekka among the survivors and shuddered at the slaughter that would undoubtedly take place among the First Order realizing they were moments too late.

The stormtroopers seemed to be waiting for something as they finished up rounding the villagers, though you were unsure as to what it might have been. It didn’t take long for your curiosity to be sated when another ship landed amongst the others, but you shuddered upon looking at it. This one was different. With the imposing vertical wingspan, you knew it belonged to someone of importance.

Deep down you knew who was aboard that ship before you saw them walk out, knew that it was only a matter of time before you were forced to face him again, but the reaction upon seeing his dark figure striding out was still inevitable.

Your entire body froze, a soft gasp escaping your throat as your eyes locked onto him. Visions of that night flashed before you once more, aided by the heavy smell of smoke and fire around you. 

Everything you had tried so hard to bury away came rushing back with a sudden ferocity you nearly cried out, only barely able to stop yourself with a quick hand to your mouth. You could hear his voice as he had begged you to join him, feel his hands as they had caressed your face, and then see his face through your tears as you had broken both of your hearts with just a few words.

“Sol?” You could barely hear Poe’s soft cry over the roaring in your head. “Sol? What’s wrong?”

Poe’s gentle hand against your cheek startled you causing you to nearly cry out again, but caught yourself just in time as you recognized the man beside you as only your partner.

“...I’m fine,” you managed to mumble out, breath heavy as you struggled to relax. “Just give me a minute.”

“You’re crying.” 

It was a simple statement and you saw his face soften dramatically despite the situation around you. You reached up, shocked to see Poe was right as you felt the wetness on your cheeks. You had been crying.

“I’m fine,” you mumbled out again, desperately wiping at the tears and hating the weakened state it put you in.

It didn’t matter that he was here, that you had to face him again after so many years. All that mattered was BB-8 getting the map to safety and you not getting caught. You couldn’t freak out now, couldn’t lose control of your emotions now when yours and Poe’s lives depended on it. You needed to straighten yourself up, but one quick glance in his direction and you were back in the past again.

Poe opened his mouth to debate the matter. He may have not known what was going through your head and upsetting you so much, but he did know it must have been significant because you always had such a tight lock on your emotions. 

He never got to voice his concern. Upon seeing your startled reaction to the scene unfolding before you, he quickly pushed aside his concern and turned just in time to see the dark figure from before cut down Lor San Tekka. And before he or yourself could stop him, his hand was at his blaster as he tried to kill the dark figure who had just slaughtered San Tekka.

A hand immediately stifled your mouth as you watched Poe’s idiotic move in horror, able to do nothing about it without exposing yourself and making the situation worse. Poe’s blaster shot only made it halfway to its target before it and Poe were frozen. 

Poe struggled against the invisible bonds of the force, clearly shocked at the display of power. You tried not to be too angry at him, he was ignorant to the power of the force, but you still couldn’t believe he thought he could take down the dark figure with a surprise shot. 

Your thoughts began to scramble at Poe’s capture, the only coherent thought was about how much of an idiot he was. You knew you needed to do something, anything to start formulating a plan on rescuing Poe without your capture as well, but your eyes kept falling onto the dark figure before you and all ability to focus and think fell apart. You were completely helpless.

It wasn’t until you saw them dragging Poe away that the weight of the situation began to kick your brain into overdrive. If you didn’t do something now, you would lose Poe. But what? What could you manage to do against a troop of First Order soldiers and the man from your past?

But before you could worry too much, you noticed the stormtrooper approaching him from the side and then the sharp point in the direction of where your ships were at. Someone else had found them and now they knew Poe wasn’t the only Resistance fighter on the planet.

You slinked further into the shadows when both men suddenly turned in your direction. And then Poe, noticing this exchange and the men heading in your direction, started struggling against his captors causing you to curse the man once again. 

The troops picked up their pace when your location was verified by Poe’s actions and you swiftly took your blaster in your hands. You weren’t going down without a fight, you weren’t going to be forced to face him again without a fight.

But despite your determination, you only got off a few rounds before the blaster was knocked from your hands and you were forced to your knees. You struggled against your captors, cursing and kicking as you were dragged out of your hiding spot and into his view. 

You told yourself not to look, to not give him the satisfaction of seeing your face, of knowing it was you, but you couldn’t do it. You could feel his eyes on you, almost hear the soft intake of his breath at the shock of your presence after all these years.

You looked up at him from the distance and felt the sharp tug at your chest from the mark which laid there. His eyes caught yours quickly and despite the mask which kept his face from you, you could still see and feel the reaction your sudden presence pulled. 

Once again, you felt the sharp tug at your chest, a cruel reminder of just who this man before you was before you felt the biting sting of the butt of a gun against the back of your head and everything went black.

~~~

part two  |  part three

[avengerscompound]

Finding Home - Chapter 8

Finding Home: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist Previous //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x OFC (Daisy Adams)

Word Count:  2368

Warnings:  Angst, mentions of torture, violence, major character death, mentions of sexual abuse/rape, pregnancy, smut (vaginal sex, oral sex, pregnancy sex, Bisexual MMF threesome)

Synopsis:  Daisy Adams has abilities. She can read minds. Force her thoughts onto others. As a child, she is taken by Hydra and raised as a weapon. Daisy finds another and speaks to him in his dreams. He has been taken too. He wants to return to the man he loves. Can she get them back together? Will she even want to once she realizes that she’s falling in love?

Chapter 8

I sat in a pool of blood. I was hurt, but much worse, the baby was hurt. Steve rushed to my side as the others made their way into the room.

“Daisy, you’re going to be okay. Cap, take her to the theater.” Tony said, immediately taking the role of leader. Steve picked me up, cradling me against his chest. “Helen, I know it’s not your field of expertise but you can see if you can help. I’ll call the specialists.” He pulled out his phone as Steve carried me upstairs.

Doctor Cho was close behind us. I was light-headed and things started feeling very far away.

“Steve. The baby.” I said, my voice barely a whisper.

“You’re both going to be fine,” Steve said. He didn’t believe it though. I could see the fear. He was already thinking that he’d lost us both.

He put me on the operating table and Doctor Cho came and started looking me over. She felt my belly and Steve helped her take off my pants so she could examine me properly.

“We’re going to have to do an emergency cesarean. I’m going to give you a general anesthetic to save time. She fitted me with an oxygen mask and then went to work administering an anesthetic. Bruce had arrived and started helping her. Nat and Clint hovered in the door like they wanted to help but didn’t know how. Things started going dark on me.

"Steve. I love you. Okay? I’m sorry this happened.” I said my head feeling heavy.

He held tight to my hand. “I love you, Daisy. Stay with me.”

All there was, was light. Slowly it faded, becoming a focused point in the darkness.  I floated towards it and the universe opened up and I could see everything. All the galaxies and nebula were laid out before me to explore. A yellow gem floated in front of me and as I went to reach for it I heard a voice.

“Daisy? Is this a dream?”

I turned to Bucky. He was wearing regular street clothes. Just a maroon long sleeve  Henley over jeans. He was standing in a dilapidated room again. This one was different from the last one I saw. I guess he was moving around. Or maybe this wasn’t real at all.

“I don’t know what this is,” I said.

Bucky approached me, he touched my face. I felt it. I felt the warmth of his skin in contrast to the cold of space around me.

“What is that thing?” Bucky asked pointing at the stone.

I shook my head. “Something too dangerous to exist but too powerful to destroy.”

I suddenly fell into his arms and he held me, stroking my hair. “Where are you, Bucky? I need you.”

“It’s better if you don’t know. They’ll just arrest me. I still don’t have control over the Soldier.”

“Steve can help you. I can help you.” I cried. “Bucky, please. We have a baby. Something happened.”

I paused the sudden realization of what happened. What is happening? “It died. I’m dying. This is what this is. I’m saying goodbye.”

“No, Daisy. Stay with us. I’ll tell you where I am.” He brought his mouth to mine, but I was being dragged away, dragged towards that light.

Slowly I opened my eyes. I felt numb and thirsty but the warmth of the sun felt welcoming on my skin. I smiled for a second glad that I was home. Then I remembered. The baby.

My hands flew to my stomach feeling only the softness of my own body. Not the firm baby bump I had become so used to. I felt a hand on my head and I sat up suddenly.

“Shh … Daisy. You’re okay. We were scared for a second. You died on us. But you’re here now.” Steve said. He sat down behind me and I leaned back on him. I didn’t know where the baby was.  I assumed gone. I felt numb. “Here. Someone wants to meet you.” I looked around to him and he was holding a small bundle. I reached out my hands and he put my baby in them. I started to cry.

“Jamie. This is your mommy.” Steve said, touching his large finger to the tiny face of the baby.

It was a boy. I had a son. “He’s okay?” I asked. James looked up at me with big blue eyes, and his hand started waving around in the air.

“He’s fine. You’re both fine.” Steve said kissing me on the temple. He put his finger out to James and James took it, put it into his mouth and started sucking on it.

“Is he hungry? What time is it? Has he eaten? I don’t know what to do.” I was freaking out. He wasn’t supposed to be here this early. He wasn’t due for 6 weeks.

“He might be hungry. Let me go get the doctor.” Steve said. He got up, leaving me to hold James by myself.

I looked him over. He had so much of his dad in him. The blue eyes, the crinkly forehead, and the dark hair. I kissed him on the cheek. He was so soft. It was freaking me out how when I went to sleep I was pregnant and now here this whole person was. How can you just make a whole person?

I looked into his mind. It was strange. Everything was new and scary and exciting. He was definitely hungry, but not so hungry that he was upset about it. All his thoughts were light and color and how they made him feel.

Steve came back into the room followed by my obstetrician, an older woman named Doctor Lang. “Hello, Daisy. How are you feeling?”

“Numb. Confused. Glad no one is dead.” I answered.

She laughed. “Yes. We are going to keep you on some strong painkillers for a little while. You did actually die for a little while last night. You’ve experienced a lot of trauma and lost a lot of blood.”

“Is Jamie okay?” I asked.

“James is perfect. Good job, mommy.” She said. “We think either whatever it is that gives you your abilities or the serum he’s inherited protected him from the trauma you suffered. He’s as perfect as a baby who was born full-term and under ideal conditions.”

I felt a wave of relief take hold. I had woken up sure he was dead. Now not only was he alive, he was healthy.

“He’s hungry. Can I feed him? I don’t know how.”

She shook her head. “For now you’re going to have to go with formula. Your body is going to be putting so much effort into healing itself that you won’t make milk. I would recommend trying though. It will keep reminding your body that you want to breastfeed.”

The doctor helped show me what to do. James latched on pretty easily but got frustrated quickly when nothing happened and started to cry. Steve left the room and reappeared not long after with a bottle, Tony, Clint, and Natasha.

He handed me the bottle and I offered it to James.

“I think we need to move you somewhere else. Would she be safe to move, doc?” Tony said.

I looked up at him startled and scanned his mind. He was worried about Ultron coming back. I was too vulnerable.

“I wouldn’t recommend it normally, but given the extenuating circumstances.” Doctor Lang said.  

Steve had sat down behind me and I was letting myself be supported by him as I fed James his bottle. “Where could we send her? Where could she possibly go that Ultron couldn’t find?” He asked.

Natasha looked at Clint and it was like they had a telepathic conversation, although I know that wasn’t true.

“I have somewhere that might work,” Clint said.

Maria flew me out to a farm in the middle of god-knows-where. We were greeted by a heavily pregnant woman and her stocky balding husband. Clint’s brother and sister-in-law. There were two children standing behind the screen door just aching to come out and see the jet. My doctor wheeled me out in a wheelchair while Maria went and spoke to Clint’s family.

I sat holding James to me. He was awake and alert and looking around. In the time it took to organize this thing and fly me here I’d worked out a way to communicate with him. I could tell exactly what he wanted from me. When he was tired. When he was hungry. When he wanted to look at me. When he wanted to see the world. When he wanted to see a person who wasn’t me. I could soothe him when he was fighting sleep by pressing calming thoughts onto him and I could distract him when the thing he wanted wasn’t available. I hadn’t heard him cry since that first time when he was hungry.

“Hi, Daisy. Clint has told me all about you.” Barney said approaching me.

“Hi, Barney. I know all about you too.” I hope that was an appropriate response. Clint hadn’t told me anything. At least not out loud. I knew all about her though, and how much Clint loved him and wanted to keep her safe from all the shit his life could bring her way. How he shared Clint’s sarcastic wit.

“Let’s get you inside.”

Barney and his wife Laura set me up in a guest room. I wasn’t supposed to get up for a few days, so they became my nurses. Not once did I hear a resentful thought. Only kindness and concern.

I slept with James in the bed with me. Laura and Barney’s two children would come in and take turns holding him. They’d bring him toys and sing him songs. He was smitten with them. They were so strange to him that he just wanted to stare at them all the time.

On the second day there I had to get up. Not ‘had to’ in the sense that I personally couldn’t keep still anymore. I would have slept forever if I could have. They made me.

I was walking around the outside of the house. James was sleeping inside. Laura called to me. It was scared and urgent, and my first thought was something had happened to James. My mind lashed out trying to grab onto everything in the nearby vicinity to find out what was wrong. The first thing I was aware of was the children. All of them were fine. James was still sleeping. The other’s were playing on the back porch. I even touched on the unborn babies mind. It was sleeping, dreaming of light and the sounds of its mother. The minds of the adults spoke to me next. Something was going on with the Avengers.

I hobbled inside to find Laura and Barney were watching the news and it was absolutely covered with news of the Hulk and Iron Man destroying Johannesburg.

“Where are the others?” Barney asked me. Like I’d somehow know. Completely desperate to find out if Clint was okay.

I sat down on one of the sofas. “I’m going to try something. I don’t know if it will work. If it does, it’s going to look really scary on this end. Maybe like I’m having a seizure, or even that I have died. So keep the kids out, and look after James for me.” I said.

Laura and Barney looked at me terrified.

I closed my eyes sending my mind out, sending it to people I am familiar with. It felt like I was drifting for a while. I found Steve and Natasha first, their bodies were safe but they were trapped in their own minds. Someone had locked them in a nightmare. There was nothing I could do to help them from here. I found Clint next. He was fine, currently trying to snap Natasha out of whatever had her trapped. I sent my self out further. I finally hit Tony.

TONY, CAN YOU FEEL ME WITH YOU?

“Daisy?” He said it out loud. Friday responded about me not being available.

YES. GIVE ME CONTROL OF YOUR BODY. I CAN CALM HIM USING YOU.

“I don’t know how,” Tony said. Banner hit him flinging him down the street. He was dazed and I used the opportunity to take control of his body. Slight mistake, I had no idea how to use the Iron Suit.

“Uh … FRIDAY right?” I said.

“Yes, Mr. Stark.” She responded.

“Not Mr. Stark. It’s Daisy.” I said. Trying to get to my feet.

“Daisy is in hiding.” She said.

“No, I’m here. I don’t know how to use the suit. Can you control it, get me in the air?” I said.

Hulk was bearing down on me, he started pummeling into the suit. Tony was going to be sore when I finally gave him his body back.

“Hey, big guy,” I said holding out my hand and pressing the words with my mind into Banner at the same time. He faltered. His eyes were wild and terrified, but he held his hand out. I touched his palm. “The sun’s getting real low.”

Hulk staggered off and started changing, turning back to him. I released my hold on Tony and fell.

I opened my eyes back on the farm. I felt really cold and I was lying on the floor. I blinked slowly and sat up.

“Did it work?” I asked. I wiped my face and my hand came back covered in blood.

“The Hulk changed back and Iron Man flew off with Banner’s body,” Barney answered.

I tried to pull myself to my feet but my head span and I fell back down. Laura handed me some paper towels and I held them to my face. “Good. Good.” I said. “Clint’s fine. They’ll probably come here. Not sure. They need to be somewhere safe.”

Laura sat down beside me and hugged me. She projected relief onto me that I somehow couldn’t quite bring myself to feel. Whoever had locked them into their own minds was dangerous. I was worried about what they could do to me.

// NEXT

[castellankurze]

freestyle rewriting the heresy yet again

because stuff occurred to me last night after that post about the traitor primarchs

if you wanna do the greek tragedy right every traitor primarch should have a primary flaw and a lesson that they fail to learn which overcomes them in the end

Fulgrim is obsession, or ‘perfection is the enemy of the good.’  Fulgrim has been good at everything his whole life. he turned Chemos from a dying shitpit into a vibrant and peaceful world, and when called up to become a warrior and commander he became a damn good one.  He even built up his legion from almost nothing after disaster nearly wiped them out.  But now he’s actually competing with people on his level and it gets to him.  He trains himself almost religiously, struggling to cut away the imperfections.  He expects his legion to always improve; uniformly, to Fulgrim there’s nothing more disgraceful than failing to better yourself, no matter the circumstances, no matter how unreasonable it may be.  It’s what leads him to letting Fabius tinker recklessly with the legion geneseed.  To steal a line from the stewniverse “if I’m not perfect then who am I?”

His friendship with Ferrus is something that should be cast as the anchor on Fulgrim’s flights of fancy.  Ferrus is prosaic and hardworking and responsible, gruff and bluff and earthy; he acts as a balance to Fulgrim’s mounting fanatical belief that he must be the best at everything at all times.  Ferrus’ death can thus be cast as the loss of reason amidst the insanity of the heresy, and it’s what snaps Fulgrim’s last ties to sanity leaving him to plunge himself and his legion wholesale into the service of Slaanesh.

Perturabo is cold logic, or ‘humans aren’t rational.’  Perturabo believes that the ideal being is a Renaissance Man, the great thinker, expert in all fields, unburdened by such petty things as ‘emotion’ or ‘bonds’ or ‘human interest’.  Perturabo believes mankind is best served by shutting up, sitting down, and working.  Human error is a failstate and not to be countenanced.  But people don’t function like that, fundamentally can’t function as if they’re datasheets on a page, and Perturabo gets irked when they don’t.  Because even Perturabo doesn’t function like that, not really - he’s like one of those rationalists who claim they can operate perfectly logically, then throw a screaming tantrum when faced with a conclusion they don’t like.

Perturabo alienates everyone around him - his brethren, his legion, even his homeworld.  To his eyes, they all fail him by not meeting his standards; they’re all too human, too soft.  Perturabo’s insistence that he is incapable of failure is what tragically leaves him wide open to manipulation by Horus, who drives him and the Iron Warriors further and further into their self-dug bitterness and isolationism until Olympia itself revolts and the last nail is pounded into the coffin.

Konrad Curze is vengeance, or ‘fear exists to be conquered.’  Curze took control of Nostromo through savage terrorism, cowing the populace and the gangs and the murderers who preyed on people through shocking acts of murder and barbarism.  He’s so good at it, though, that he never acknowledges the critical flaw - when he leaves Nostromo, he takes away the object of people’s fear, and he never setup a system to govern them without the threat of retaliation.  The Night Lords become staffed with psychopaths and murderers, their unity as a legion slowly fraying.  Curze himself sees torturous visions and nightmares, but it’s all without context, and he doesn’t particularly like wearing the device the Emperor made for him to curb the worst of it because he feels like it makes thinking difficult, so he just does without, becoming more erratic and unpredictable.  In the end he lets himself be done in, with the line ‘death is nothing compared to vindication’ which can arguably taken as a recognition that he had become the kind of monster he once hunted.

Angron is, of course, rage or, to quote tumblr, ‘the hate you feel will warm your heart but leave you cold in the grave’.  Of all the primarchs he’s the one with whom you can most do the cycle of violence thematic.  He’s taken as a slave as a gladiator, leads a revolt, he’s ‘rescued’ by the Emperor on the brink of a crushing defeat, and becomes a rampaging one-man slaughterhouse loosed upon the galaxy.  Angron’s response to his mistreatment is two-pronged: a total rejection of any authority deemed untrustworthy, fueled by his upbringing and the Emperor’s high-handedness, and a colossal hate-on for anything and everything.  Angron wallows in his hate, because for him hate and violence are easy.  The result is that he’s something of a foil for Perturabo - Angron doesn’t think, because he doesn’t like to think.  The World Eaters become a riot of bloodthirsty killers, the librarians and chaplaincy first sidelined and then, at least in the case of the former, eliminated, because they’re not savage enough.

If the plot device of the battle cybernetics (’Butcher’s Nails’ in the BL series) is kept, it’s primary use is as a plot device to show the cycle of abuse - Angron has it forced on him as a child, he forces it upon his legion in turn.  I’ve never been a great fan of the Nails as a plot device (especially in the BL series; it makes things too easy) because it’s not like they’re necessary to push someone into a Khornate rage, but they can work as a tipping point to help push the legion over the edge, especially back by Horus’ manipulations.

Mortarion is resentment, specifically, ‘bitterness is a poison.’  Like how Angron wallows in rage and Curze wallows in the fear he causes, Mortarion wallows in bitter hatred.  He hates the aliens who ruled Barbarus, especially the one who raised him, he hates the poisons of his homeworld itself, he hates the Emperor, and most of all he hates himself.  Mortarion falls into the trap of constantly comparing what we might have been to what we are - if he’d been found by humans. if he’d landed on a different world.  if he’d taken the Emperor up on his offer of aid.  if he didn’t need to wear a damn rebreather.  Nevertheless he surrounds himself with the trappings of his home, poisons and toxins and rad-weapons because they’re his, dammit, and fuck you for trying to take them away from him.  Mortarion keeps slogging onwards with what he’s got because there’s nothing else to him.

Magnus the Red is haughtiness, or ‘ivory-tower intellectualism.’  When you’re willing to learn and Magnus is willing to teach, he’s a great guy.  When he’s willing to learn and you’re willing to teach, he’s a great guy.  But Magnus has been either student or teacher for most of his life, and he has trouble defining a relationship outside those bounds.  He’s that guy who’s an expert on anything he’s studied for five minutes, even though you know he never heard of it six minutes ago.  And if you’re better at him than something, well, it’s something he’s never studied.  Magnus can be exasperating, and, in considering the fate of his legion, dangerous.  The Thousand Sons have a very strong ‘for me and not for thee’ streak to him, delving deeply into study of the warp and sorcerous practices that scream Bad Idea and ignore any attempts to warn them off of it, because they know better.  They’re not going to fall into any traps.  Even the Council of Nikaea, what should be taken as a dire warning to shape up, does little more than throw Magnus into a extended snitfit about the Emperor’s unwillingness to see things his way.

Horus is, of course, ambition, and ‘pride goeth before a fall.’  When the Emperor retreats from the Crusade to, you know, run the Imperium, Horus takes over the campaign trail personally, spending long years heading up the Imperium’s conquest of the galaxy, and as the awards and adoration and adulation and accolades and other a-words pile up he starts getting it into his head that he ought to be the rightful ruler of the whole shebang.  While recovering from wounds on the planet Davin, he’s introduced to the powers of the warp through the warrior lodges there, and so strikes a fateful bargain to sway the greater power of the Imperium’s war machine to his side along with his brothers and topple the Emperor.  He becomes a creature unlike any seen before or since, a font of Chaos power such that even the four great powers seem more held than holders of his leash.  Drunk on power - both the political and very, very real kinds - it’s not until things fall apart aboard his flagship that Horus realizes how very, very badly he’s fouled up.

Lorgar is zealotry, or to be more accurate ‘you can’t externalize self-righteousness.’  Lorgar frames his mindset as a search for truth, but really what he wants is what everybody wants: to be on the right side.  Lorgar’s problem is that he fundamentally cannot internalize the idea that morality is what you do, or to quote Horus Rising ‘we must be mighty because we are right, not right because we are mighty.’  Lorgar grows up steeped in the old faith of Colchis, but when he starts having visions and the existing power structure rejects him, he overthrows it because he knows he’s right, the universe told him he’s right, and when the Emperor shows up he feels validated, and doesn’t even notice how Emps is a little put off by the displays of veneration.  When he goes on the Crusade he turns it into a literal religious crusade, stopping at every planet to fully convert it before moving on.

Eventually the Emperor shows up to kick him into gear, because the Word Bearers are the S L O W E S T legion by far and their ties to other legions are fraying and maybe put down some of the religious stuff.  Lorgar cannot reconcile this discrepancy between the image of the God-Emperor he believes he understood perfectly and the actual Emperor telling him to cool it and basically dissociates himself into next month.  Eventually this one dude named Kor Phaeron who Lorgar’s known since they were kids suggests maybe Lorgar should go back and look at the old faiths again, at which point Lorgar starts digging into a new, and to him, even bigger ‘truth’ than the Emperor.  Then a dude from the Sons of Horus arrives and shit goes buckwild.  But for all the work he’s done, Lorgar still can’t see himself as anything but a vessel for truth, effectively sheltering himself under the Horus and the Chaos gods instead of the Emperor, and when things go sideways on Terra he all but collapses because he can’t understand how shit’s gone south again.

Alpharius, finally, is the inferiority complex, or ‘don’t define yourself by your relationships to others.’  Alpharius is not only the last primarch, he’s the last primarch to be publicly discovered, so late in the Crusade that the Emperor’s already handed the reins over to Horus.  As a result, everyone else has an achievement list as long as their arm and people won’t stop fucking comparing Alpharius and the XX Legion against the others.  Alpharius is an A+ tactical commander, but this shit makes him mad as hell.  He names the XX the Alpha Legion to emphasize how badass they are and drills the shit out of them at the chapter, company, and even squad level until they know their shit backwards and forwards.

For Alpharius, there’s no question of whose side he’s on, because Horus is his big bro and he doesn’t care for the Emperor.  Ironically, despite his keen strategic mind, Alpharius is unable to recognize the bigger picture of how Horus and the other traitor legions are...maybe getting a little sketchy?  He just knows this is gonna be his chance to get back at the folks who shit-talked him and his boys.  Instead of joining the march on Terra, the Alpha Legion goes across the galaxy, harrying the Ultramarines, the Space Wolves, and the Dark Angels.  But unlike Alpharius, Guilliman can stay focused on the big picture, and though delayed it’s ultimately the word of the reinforcements coming in that causes Horus to throw down with the Emperor.  Of course the Alpha Legion goes on their merry way, until the fight at Eskrador where Alpharius finally gets to stick it to Bobby G - he dies, but he’s lured the Ultramarines into an untenable position and ultiamtely they’re the ones who have to retreat.  But afterwards, the blind spot comes back into play, and the Alpha legion ultimately fragments and goes sailing into the Eye of Terror and the other warpstorms along with the other traitor legions because nobody knows enough of the Plan anymore.

this post got longer than i meant it to be but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what can i say even though it’s been almost a decade now since i stopped seriously following 40k books i still have The Thoughts about the little plastic dudes

[darthlordcommie]

What is Redemption?

Redemption: The act of saving or being saved from sin or evil. 

So, I’m going to talk about four characters who are often talked about in regards to redemption. Those four are: Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, Severus Snape, Zuko, and Ben Solo/Kylo Ren. I’ll be discussing them in that order. I’ll be starting with why they went down the dark paths they went on, what they did during that time, and finally, their “redemptions”. 

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader 

So, in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, we encounter Anakin Skywalker at age 22. He spent the first 9 years of his life as a slave, and the next 13 years as a child soldier, while also being groomed by an abuser, aka, Palpatine. When he was 19, the Clone Wars began, and he spent the majority of those three years on the front lines of that conflict, racking up notoriety and trauma. So, when we meet him again in RotS, he is: 22, suffering from PTSD, has been groomed to be abused for over a decade, and lacking a sufficient support system. When he has dreams about his wife, who he loves, dying, he panics, partly because the last time he had dreams like this, it ended with his mother dying in his arms. So, he goes to Yoda for advice on his visions, and gets told that there’s nothing he can do, and not to mourn for the person who’s going to die. Anakin does not like that answer. But he sits on it, until Palpatine reveals himself as a Sith Lord and tells Anakin that he has the power to save Padme. Anakin goes and tells the Jedi, with the one he tells having spent years as somewhat hostile to him, and they go and confront him. When he arrives, Anakin sees the man he had believed to be his friend and mentor on the ground, and Mace Windu, who he was not close to, about to murder him without due process, or anything. And finally, when he’s just about driven mad with fear over Padme’s possible death, Anakin strikes Windu, and joins Palpatine. And we all know how that went. 

Over the next 2 decades, Anakin, now Darth Vader, spent his time killing subordinates who angered him and doing whatever Palpatine told him to do. That is known to have included mass murder, torture, genocide, and all manner of military action against innocent planets. (I am not specifically mentioning Alderaan, as while Vader didn’t do anything to stop it, he also wasn’t in charge of the Death Star at any time, so he is very much complicit, but the responsibility for the order isn’t his) When he finds out that Luke, his son, is alive and running around the galaxy, he tries to recruit him. But even then, he is following Palpatine’s orders, as he is still completely obedient to him. 

During the climax of Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader is confronted by Luke. At this point, Luke does not say “I forgive you”. He says “I love you.” He doesn’t absolve Vader of his sins, because that’s impossible. He offers his hand to his father, because he loves him, even knowing the horrific things Vader has done. And at the end, when he has to choose between obedience and his son’s life, Vader chooses his son, and kills Palpatine, being mortally wounded in the process. As Luke tries to save him, Anakin tells Luke “You already have.” Does this mean that Anakin is redeemed? No. He did good things before becoming Darth Vader, and he did bad things after becoming Vader. But he is saved, because he has chosen to be a good person. If he had lived, would he have done things to try and make up for his crimes? Very likely. But he didn’t, and his choice was not so much redemption, as it was a recognition that he didn’t have to be the monster. At the end, Darth Vader wasn’t redeemed, but he was a good man once more. And he died that way. 

Severus Snape 

So, prior to the events of the Harry Potter books, Snape was a Half-Blood who grew up in the Muggle world in an abusive household. When he was 9, he met Lily Evans, a Muggleborn with magic, who became his first friend. When he was 11, he went to Hogwarts, and joined Slytherin, quickly becoming one of the most notable practitioners of Dark Magic in that house. He made friends with people like Mulciber, Avery, and Rosier, and over his Hogwarts career, became known as a future Death Eater. He was also someone who had a rivalry with James Potter, and was, at least on one occasion when they were 15, flat out bullied by James. On that occasion, when Lily attempted to defend him, he called her a “Mudblood”, a known slur for Muggleborns. After this event, Lily ended their friendship for good, because she couldn’t keep ignoring that he was growing up to become a wizard Nazi. What was his response to the girl he fancied cutting ties with him for being a bigot? It was to join the magic Nazis right out of school. 

Snape spent years fighting Voldemort’s war to conquer the world, to the point where he told his master of a prophecy of the one person who could defeat him. This was when things happened. Because the person Voldemort believed to be his greatest threat was the son of Lily Evans, no Lily Potter, Snape went to Dumbledore, because he didn’t want Lily to die. He didn’t care about James, and he didn’t care about Lily’s infant son Harry. So, the events of October 31st, 1981 happened, and Harry was left the only survivor. Snape spent the next decade bullying students in Potions classes, until Harry arrived in 1991. At which point Snape promptly began bullying him for no other reason than being his parents’ son, and bullied him along with several other students for years, to the point where he was one of his students’, Neville Longbottom’s, greatest fear. 

At the end, Snape helped the good guys by getting them the Sword of Gryffindor, and telling them that Harry’s scar was a Horcrux. However, he only did so because Voldemort killed Lily, and resented the world because he didn’t have Lily for his entire life. He even resented Lily for rejecting him. So, at the end, he helped cause Voldemort’s death, but did he redeem himself? No, because he never felt remorse for what he had done, and in fact blamed others. 

Zuko 

So, Zuko was born and raised into an abusive family, and was abused for literal years by his father Ozai. This culminated in physical abuse, leaving a permanent scar across Zuko’s face, while he was exiled and sent on an impossible mission. At this point, Zuko became obsessed with trying to regain his father’s love, denying the truth that he had never had it to begin with. 

During this time, Zuko hunts Avatar Aang across the world, desperately trying to capture him and end the world’s last hope at stopping the Fire Nation’s conquest. In addition, he also assisted in the capture of Ba Sing Se, the capital of the Earth Kingdom. Afterwards, he returns to the Fire Nation, and sends an assassin after Aang. 

However, he slowly realizes that what he got wasn’t what he wanted, and after he finds out that Ozai intended to use Sozin’s Comet to wipe out the Earth Kingdom, Zuko turns his back on his family, and joins Aang. During this time he trains Aang in firebending, helps Katara put her demons to rest, and helps Sokka rescue Suki and Hakoda from prison, before ultimately battling Azula and saving Katara’s life in the climax. So, was Zuko redeemed? Yes, because he recognized that he had done wrong, fixed what he had done, and spent the rest of his life trying to do the right thing.

Ben Solo/Kylo Ren 

So, Ben Solo was raised by his parents, Han and Leia, until sometime in his teen years, when he began training to be a Jedi under his uncle Luke. Due to events that happened, Ben slaughtered his fellow students and joined the First Order, dedicating himself to Supreme Leader Snoke as Kylo Ren. 

At this point in time, Kylo Ren’s actions have included assisting in the capturing of numerous planets, the murder of multiple unarmed civilians, multiple counts of torture, the massacre of the New Republic, killing his father Han, killing Snoke to achieve control over the First Order, and the attempted wipeout of the Resistance and killing of his mother. 

Can Kylo Ren be redeemed? No, because unlike Vader, who took the chance of changing when a hand was offered to him, Kylo has repeatedly denied any chance of returning to the side of good, once by murdering his own father, who was unarmed and trying to save him. 

So there. That’s my take on redemption, who’s been redeemed and who hasn’t, and why. 

[farchanter]

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords

The true war is waged in the hearts of all living things, against our own natures, light or dark. That is what shapes and binds this galaxy, not these creations of man. You are the battleground. And if you fall, the death of the Republic will be such a quiet thing, a whisper, that shall herald the darkness to come.

I'd like to start by talking about what I think is the most important scene in the Star Wars prequel trilogy. Anakin is haunted by visions of Padmé dying. He turns to Master Yoda for help in preventing this death from coming. And Yoda, essentially, refuses. From the perspective of the Jedi Order and its Grand Master, the death of one woman is inconsequential against the churning of a galaxy, its Republic, and the Force that binds it. Shortly after this scene, Anakin goes to Darth Sidious, who shows empathy and promises help. From there, the die is cast. This scene with Yoda is, in many ways, Anakin's last attempt to stay in the light. And he is rejected. A crucial theme of the prequel trilogy is that not only did Anakin fail the Jedi, but just as importantly: the Jedi failed Anakin.

We see a variant on this earlier, in the Phantom Menace. I couldn't find a clip of this, so I'm borrowing it from the script on IMSDB.

QUI-GON : I will do what I must. OBI-WAN : Master, you could be sitting on the Council by now if you would just follow the code. They will not go along with you this time. QUI-GON : You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.

And what is it that Qui-Gon has done to attract the ire of the Council? He went off-script. He detoured from his assigned mission to save someone from slavery and bring them to the Jedi. Qui-Gon is one of the few prequel Jedi we see that makes actively morally good choices, and here we learn that the Order (or at least the Council) resents him for it. Qui-Gon, almost alone, understands that the larger Force is made up of infinitesimal smaller voices. To protect and advance justice, the Jedi would need to better the galaxy one small act at a time. Their failure to do so is, ultimately, why the Order fell and they lost Anakin Skywalker. They had completely lost the ability to perceive harm and help as the aggregate of many seemingly inconsequential choices and actions.

If that perspective sounds familiar, it's because it's one shared by Luke Skywalker in the Last Jedi, and even more clearly in this deleted scene. Luke's point in the Last Jedi wasn't that Rey was inadequate, or he was bad, or that the First Order shouldn't be stopped. His point, per that second scene in particular, is that Rey is too good a person to be a Jedi Knight. If Rey was going to stop evil, then she in fact couldn't be a Jedi, because the Jedi philosophy isn't adequate to stop evil.

Irrespective of anything else, that is where I think the Rise of Skywalker is going to end: Rey is going to recast the Jedi Order into an organization committed to protecting the helpless everywhere, rather than just at a galactic level.

Since Star Wars history tends to repeat itself, this finally brings us to Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. Both KotOR games share a history, and even though Disney cast it out of the canon after the acquisition, it's also going to sound familiar.

Both games are set after an event called the Mandalorian Wars, where the people of Mandalore make war on the Republic. They start with the Republic's minor outer worlds, and those people appeal to the Jedi for help. But, in the interest of preserving their impartiality, the Council elects not to get involved. Some Jedi find this unacceptable, and break from the Order to lead the Republic armies against the Mandalorians. Although they win, the horrors of war and the Council's abandonment leads many of these rogue Jedi to fall to the Dark Side. They return to destroy what they see as a weak and feckless Jedi Order, kicking off the Jedi Civil War (the closing weeks of which make up the first Knights of the Old Republic.)

Your KotORII character, however, missed the Civil War. You returned to the Republic after the Mandalorian Wars to justify your actions to the Jedi Council, and for this the Council exiles you from Republic space. Shortly after the Civil War, you return to a battered Republic and a nearly-extinct Jedi Order. What this means is up to you as a player: are you back to finish off the Jedi who abandoned you, and in fact all of the victims of the Mandalorian Wars? Are you back to atone for your mistakes and save the Jedi from disappearing forever? Or are you going to rebuild it into something new, something that never would have stood by as the Mandalorians invaded? No matter what, though, you have attracted the attention of forces both good and bad who believe that understanding you is to understand the will of the Force.

The original Knights of the Old Republic is an epic space opera, the sort of grand adventure that feels at home among the rest of the Star Wars mythos. The Sith Lords, however, is a smaller, more intimate journey. Your choices matter a great deal in both, but in the Sith Lords you also have a great deal of influence on the members of your party. Each person is trying to atone for, or otherwise grow past, something. Your conversations and relationships can take these characters on vastly diverging paths, and the execution here makes the Sith Lords one of the most fulfilling role-playing games I've ever encountered. I cared about each of these characters, and wanted them to succeed. I misjudged how much game was left, and sadly had to leave one character's arc unresolved. I was bitterly disappointed, to the point that I almost went back to a several-hours old save so that I could finish his story. Towards the end of the game the characters that you help grow go on a mission without you, and I found myself filled with a strange sense of pride.

I was happy for these fictional people. I was proud of the way I had changed their fictional lives.

I don't think that's something that I've felt about an RPG in a very long time. That personal touch makes the Sith Lords a truly special experience.

As I looked up sources for this review, I stumbled across an interview with head writer Chris Avellone describing the Sith Lords as a deconstruction of Star Wars, and that shines through here. We're made to question the Jedi, the Sith, predetermination, will, and the nature of relationships. It explores many of the same themes as the Last Jedi, thirteen years before that movie came out. It's an awesome storytelling experience.

That should be enough to propel Knights of the Old Republic II to the highest pantheon of RPGs, and yet it's not quite there. I'd be remiss to not talk about the issues the Sith Lords has as a game. There are a lot of bugs here, including more traditional software bugs but even more aggravating quality of life bugs that should have been caught in testing. Some missions become essentially unwinnable if you made the incorrect sequence of seemingly innocuous choices some hours before. The AI makes incomprehensible choices, and the auto-level-up feature is so ridiculously broken that it actively hinders your progress.

As well, the stories of the cuts that KotORII had to make late in development are legendary. There's a mod out there to restore a lot of the material that was cut, despite being nearly complete (the Sith Lords Restored Content Mod.) This adds a good amount of coherence to the story, particularly in the late game. However, it also resurrects some more bugs, including fights that were clearly cut for being too difficult.

But, despite that, I really can't recommend Knights of the Old Republic II enough. It's a Star Wars story unlike any other.

[our-happygirl500-fan]

Inspired by @golden-redhead  Again series.

Kaito doubted anyone would call him a patient person; it wasn’t like he couldn’t be patient or didn’t know how to wait he’d been patient lots of times! When he was a kid there was a stray dog that wouldn’t even let him near it but after a few weeks of bringing it food and showing he wasn’t a threat it had eventually let him pet it and play with it until it became comfortable enough around Kaito that he managed to bring it home and make it the family pet, after begging his grandparents to let him keep it…

Though he guesses that technically might have never actually happened.

But he’d been patient with his sidekicks! He thought latching on to the memory that he *knew* was real, that he knew was his or as real as any memory made in virtual reality could be. He’d been patient coaxing Shuichi out of his shell waiting for the shy detective to open up and have confidence in himself, he’d been patient with Harumaki waiting for her to let him in, for her to trust others.

Kaito Momota knew how to be patient but that didn’t mean he liked waiting, what was the point of waiting for things to happen when you could go out and make your dreams a reality now? Why wait when you could do something?

But sometimes he thought with a sigh there was nothing you could do; sometimes waiting was your only option.

Absentmindedly he gently held the hand of Kokichi’s unconscious form almost scared that the action would shatter the smaller boy. It was hard to think that Kokichi was really here finally out of that damn pod even if he was technically still unconscious.

He wouldn’t have to wait much longer at least

He had died among the stars, finally reaching the goal he’d dreamed about for so long his heart filling with exhilaration and contentment as his lungs filled with blood and thoughts of pride and worry and hope for his sidekicks and guilt and thoughts he couldn’t shake for his rival? Partner? Whatever the hell Ouma was to him in the end mixed together in his head swirling like galaxies as he coughed and coughed until he finally closed his eyes the view of the universe being the last thing he saw…

And then he had opened his eyes to neon blue and green.

It would be a complete and utter lie to say he had anything resembling to coherent thought at the time, and honestly it was a bit of a blur from his disorientation of dying and coming out of the simulation. He remembers the confusion and even some anger though as he thrashed about as doctors and nurses swarmed him almost as soon as he opened his eyes shouting out lists of vitals and medical jargon and trying to see how aware he was of his surroundings at that moment as they tried to calm him down.

He’s pretty sure he punched one of them before he was injected with a sedative and fell back into unconsciousness. He hoped he had punched one of them.

When he had woken up again they’d explained everything to him, that everything was fake, that it was all a lie and virtual reality and a damn show that he’d fucking signed up for. He didn’t really like thinking about the feelings he felt when he learned that, before he tried to force his mind to think about, to focus on literally anything else.

“So Ouma’s alive?” Was the question that was the first thing that came out of his mouth after they had finished explaining everything to him no thought going into it as he asked. He wasn’t really sure why Ouma of all people was the first person her asked about… But it made sense to check; if Ouma was alive that meant that Kaito hadn’t actually killed someone right?

The doctor he had been talking to looked slightly surprised for a second before schooling his expression “none of the participants have actually died as I’ve explained Ouma Kokichi included” the doctor told him and Kaito felt something close to relief at the information.

Ouma was alive; part of him couldn’t believe it and part of him desperately wanted to. “Can I see him?” Kaito found himself asking part of his mind not truly being able to comprehend the idea of Ouma being alive; not when he could still smell the familiar, metallic scent of blood that was everywhere in the hanger unable to escape it even in the exisal leaving him unable to tell if it was Ouma’s or his own, not when the sounds of his screams nearly drowned out by the hum of the hydraulic press still rang out almost constantly in the back of his mind. Maybe if he actually saw Ouma and talked to him about all this the screams in his head would finally stop.

He wanted to talk to the liar anyway regardless of his own guilt just to hear the other boys opinion on all this; the smaller boy always seemed to figure out more than the rest of them, always seemed to know more than he would let on after all and after what happened in the hanger part of Kaito thought that he was probably more qualified in dragging out whatever the liar was thinking about than anyone else.

Something unreadable flashed through the doctors eyes before he shook his head at Kaito’s request, the astronaut feeling disappointment settle in his gut almost immediately not really listening as the doctor blathered on an answer “I’m afraid I wouldn’t recommend seeing anyone at the moment since you’ve just woken up and we want to check that everything is completely alright” the doctor continues talking but Kaito’s honestly not really listening anymore at this point, despite apparently sleeping for so long in a virtual reality pod he’s still tiered and he barely has the energy to thank the doctor and watch him leave before he drifts off into unconsciousness once more.

He wakes up nearly an hour after that for the doctors to run more tests him noticing that their thoughts seem to be slightly distracted he finds out why a few hours later when someone knocks on his door and a familiar face he thought he would never see again pops in.

“Hey, the doctors said you were cleared for visitors,” Kaede Akamatsu said walking quickly followed by Chabashira. Despite everything that he had been told seeing them both here and alive was jarring he almost couldn’t believe they were real.

As if sensing his thoughts Akamatsu gives him a knowing smile “I’m real this isn’t a dream or a hallucination I can offer to pinch you if you want?” Kaede offers jokingly and Kaito finds himself spluttering at being so easily read her smile becoming a bit more obvious.

“Kaede-san you don’t have to reassure him that we’re real and besides if he does need convincing Tenko can always flip him,” Chabashira offers causing Kaito to let out and indignant protest as Akamatsu hides a laugh behind her hands, part of Kaito makes note of Chabashira’s use of first Akamatsu’s first name but that’s not really important at the moment.

“…How…” Kaito tries to ask not really sure what he’s asking but still feeling the need to start a conversation and say something.

Akamatsu’s smile almost turns bitter as she responds “I was one of the first to die remember? I’m pretty used to greeting people who saw me die by now,” Akamatsu half heartedly jokes though resentment is clear in her voice, Chabashira looks at the other girl worriedly before sending a glare Kaito’s way as Kaito puts his hands up in a placating gesture and resolves to fix the situation.

“Hey Akamatsu mind telling me what’s been going on? I’ve been stuck in this room and these doctors are kind of useless,” he says rubbing the back of his head nonchalantly.

That seems to do the trick as the dark look drains from Akamatsu’s eyes and she nods as she pulls up a chair to sit at his bedside. “Sure! So what do you know?” Akamatsu asks after a moment of silence and Kaito just shrugs in response.

“I know it was all fake and virtual reality if that’s what you mean but I don’t really know how the others are doing, you two are the first ones who aren’t doctors running test results that I’ve seen since I woke up. Kaito explained as Akamatsu nodded in understanding.

“Well it’s kind of over now, they had the last trial and everything apparently they’ll pull out the ‘survivors’ soon.” Akamatsu told him and Kaito decided to ignore the almost condescending was she had said survivors to focus on another part of her sentence.

“The games over?” Kaito said his voice a mix of disbelief and hope while Kaede gave him an almost sad smile.

“Yeah, Shirogane was the mastermind… turns out I didn’t actually kill Amami-kun as well…” Kaede trailed off her eyes clouded over with a number of different emotions and seeing the other girls distress Chabashira immediately jumped in to explain to Momota everything that had happened and how Shuichi and the others had ended these damn killing games for good.

Kaito wanted to voice his pride in everything his sidekick had done but seeing the emotions barely visible on Akamatsu’s face he decided that the best thing to do right now was distract her, he didn’t know how long she knew that she had been unfairly executed for a crime that she didn’t commit but with everything now finally over there was probably a lot to think about so Kaito decided to distract the her with various small chat and conversation the three of them all talking until Hoshi came to collect the two girls saying they should probably let him rest.

The first people Kaito went to see as soon as he was allowed to leave his room were the survivors, nearly everyone had gathered in the little communal area the hospital had provided for them to greet the survivors who had just been informed of everything that had happened, they were all talking to Kiibo who lived on a computer now which was kind of weird but it was great to see him Amami seemed especially excited to see Kiibo apparently his AI was created by one of his old classmates in the last season, which was another weird thing to think about.

When the survivors came in, it was a full-scale emotional reunion Chabashira running to Yumeno before the smaller girl even had a chance to walk through the door the two of them hugging and crying before anyone really knew what to do, Angie seemed to be the one to move back into action first cheerfully moving forward to greet the magician only for Yumeno to hug her as well as soon as the artist was in range.

Smiling slightly at the scene Kaito raised his hand to grab the other two survivors attention calling out to his sidekicks “Hey! Shuichi! Harumaki!” he called and even over the clamor of the other students he could hear the sharp intake of their breath and he couldn’t fight the smile on his face as their eyes lit up at the sight of him and rushed towards him.

Maki surprised him slightly by hugging him but he wouldn’t complain as he ruffled Shuichi’s hair before returning her hug, he congratulated and complimented them both on everything they’d done, he really was proud of them. Everyone spoke and talked and caught up and it really made a knot settle inside Kaito’s stomach, it was really over and they were all by some miracle together again.

Well not all, Shirogane wasn’t there thank fuck, after all she had helped to put them through if the astronaut never saw her again it would be too soon.

There was only two things that kept the moment from being perfect because despite nearly everyone being back together again Akamatsu and Ouma were no where to be found.

After making up some reason to excuse himself and a brief search he found Akamatsu hiding out by the back staircases, sitting on one of the steps looking deep in thought.

“Hey you’re missing the big reunion in the game room,” he told her catching her attention and announcing his presence as he sat down next to her, he watched as she seemed to try and suppress a grimace before giving him a friendly smile that felt slightly forced.

“I… I don’t know how good I’ll be there I mean I didn’t even really last that long you know?” Akamatsu told him fidgeting with her hands trying to ignore the slight frown that was forming on his face.

“Shuichi would want to see you,” he told her earnestly but that might have been the wrong thing to say as she flinched at the mention of the detective.

“That’s… kind of what I’m worried about…” Akamatsu began to explain hesitantly. “Saihara-kun was nice… but we only really spent a few days together we don’t really know each other you know?”

Akamatsu let out a hollow laugh as she finished explaining while Kaito rubbed the back of his head almost awkwardly.

“Yeah but you two have a chance to get to know each other now,” he offered trying to sound encouraging while Akamatsu simply shrugged.

“Maybe,”

The pianist began to look slightly lost in thought again so Kaito decided to sigh loudly to snap her out of it “geez, you’re really moping over here over something like that?” he complained rubbing the back of his head “you and Ouma are hopeless hiding from everyone”

With everything that had happened in the game Kaito understood why the Supreme Leader might have a hard time seeing everyone again, the little liar had put them all through a lot of shit but now everything was over Kaito at least kind of understood why Ouma did what he did which meant he wasn’t going to let him just hide away he had a lot to make up for to everyone after all!

At the mention of the supreme leader Akamatsu’s head sprung in his direction so quickly he was worried that she might hurt her neck “wait has no one told you about Ouma?” Akamatsu asked her voice full of disbelief and worry.

“Told me what?” he asked giving her a confused look as he tried to ignore the dread welling up inside him.

Ouma would have probably made fun of him or called him naïve for thinking everything was over just because the game had ended. Logically he knew that things wouldn’t end so neatly, that this wouldn’t be some typical happy ending where everyone rode off into the sunset like in an ending of a movie; they all still had a long way to go. They still had to go through physical therapy after being asleep in those pods for so long, there was also trying to convince their bodies that they hadn’t actually died their minds too in a way they’re all dealing with issues and problems the game left them with but still in spite of all that those were all things they just needed to overcome.

They were out of the game! They were safe! Well, almost all of them anyway.

Kaito wondered if this was a trend for Ouma his own brilliant mind and plans making his life harder than anyone’s should be, from what Kaito had seen it probably was.

Despite kids literally signing away their identities and literally having their personalities and memories erased replaced with identities made to be tortured and traumatized in a killing game Team Danganronpa had apparently been incredibly proud about how ‘safe’ their killing games were.

After fifty-three seasons they’d all but perfected their virtual reality bullshit and were constantly monitoring the health of the shows participants and were able to pull someone out of the simulation almost immediately after they died. Executions were despite how awful they could be were ironically the safest route the staff knowing exactly when and how that student would ‘die’ and were prepared to pull them out and with victims with all their surveillance they could see the death and murders coming and could plan around that. The most risky was instantaneous death but the brain itself may not really know how it died and so it was easy to bring a student back from that.

He should have expected Ouma Kokichi to be an exception to every fucking norm.

Thanks to Ouma setting off one of Iruma’s electro bombs no one knew exactly what happened in that hanger only Kaito and Ouma themselves and Kaito wasn’t going to tell anybody what happened, it seemed too personal, too vulnerable though he wasn’t sure who that vulnerability applied to himself or Ouma but it didn’t matter he just… didn’t really want to talk about it with anyone. Maybe he could talk about what had happened with Ouma one day but right now Ouma couldn’t talk about it at all so it was pointless.

Since no one could see who died in that hanger they had no idea who to pull out, it made sense since Monokuma hadn’t known who was in the exisal if they had been able to pull Ouma out when he had died then they would have known who was the victim and who was the culprit and they could have just informed the ‘motherkuma’ AI and their plan would have been pointless.

It was kind of amazing how effective Ouma’s plan really had been when you thought about it.

But since Ouma hadn’t been pulled out his brilliant mind hadn’t been protected from the sensation of dying and so his brain was convinced that he was dead, not just any death too dying of poison and then crushed by a hydraulic press he remembered one of the staff saying how it had been a worse death than anything the people who designed the executions could have thought of.

Kaito didn’t even bother trying not to flinch when he had overheard that conversation.

It had been three weeks since the game had ended and Ouma Kokichi was the only one who was still in his pod, he still hadn’t woken up. Kaito wondered not for the first time if he was going to turn out to be the only one in his game to have actually killed someone.

Between group therapy and everything else they all had to deal with Kaito always made time every day to visit the pod room and sit by Kokichi’s pod hoping that today would be the day that the smaller boy finally woke up.

How long he stayed by Ouma’s side would vary depending on the day sometimes he only stayed for a few minutes not being able to find himself able to look at how small and fragile the supreme leader looked underneath the glass of the pod so different from the sheer presence that he had had during the game while sometimes Kaito would find that he had lost hours just sitting by Kokichi’s side.

He wasn’t exactly sure why, because Ouma and him had worked together as partners at the end or something else? He really wasn’t sure how to explain it but he just felt like he *had* to be there when Kokichi woke up, he had to see with his own two eyes that the supreme leader really was alive.

Sometimes he just sat there in silence almost like he was standing watch over the other boy in his sleep but lately he had been talking to Kokichi, telling him about everything that was going on and how everyone was doing and how his day had been. He’d read that talking to coma patients could help them wake up and at this point Kaito was willing to try anything. He had no idea whether or not Kokichi could actually hear him but it felt oddly nice to just tell him about his day.

Occasionally Amami or Akamatsu would join him in his waiting and both Iruma and Gonta had cornered Kaito to ask how Kokichi was doing; the astronauts daily ritual wasn’t exactly a secret but for the most part Kaito’s waiting was almost kind of a private thing between Kokichi and himself, the doctors and scientists that would work in the pod room simply fading into the background.

That was why he was so surprised when nearly exactly two months since the game had ended he had walked into the pod room to see Harumaki sitting by Kokichi’s side glaring at the liar with an uncertain look on her face.

He wasn’t sure what to make of it honestly everyone knew that Harumaki and Ouma hadn’t exactly gotten along so seeing her visit him was strange but it wasn’t as though Kaito was going to stop her from visiting it wasn’t like she was going to do anything bad after all.

“Hey Harumaki! Here to keep my company today?” Kaito asked taking a seat next to her. Harumaki almost jerked slightly as if she hadn’t noticed his presence until he announced himself to her which went to show how deep in thought she must have been, she almost seemed embarrassed having been caught as she played with her hair a muttered out a half hearted ‘do you want to die?” causing him to chuckle slightly to himself letting his gaze wonder over a bit to Ouma’s pod, they were all done dying, Kokichi just needed to wake up.

He wasn’t sure what to say since when he brought his gaze back to Harumaki she looked conflicted her eyes staring at some far off spot deep in thought so he let her work out whatever she wanted to say, he knew she’d tell him eventually. They sat in silence like that for a bit before she finally spoke up.

“Do you really think he’ll wake up?”

At the question Kaito found himself sitting up straighter almost defensively, “oh course he will!” if Harumaki wasn’t taken aback by the slightly the almost harsh tone of voice towards her then she was by the flicker of regret that flashed across his face.

Ouma would wake up, he had to. But with every passing day it sometimes felt harder and harder to believe that the liar would wake up. But Kaito had to believe he would someday, had to hope that Ouma would eventually get out of that pod.

He had to believe that Kaito didn’t really murder him.

With his own feelings that drove him to visit Ouma being so complex that Kaito doubted he could ever put them into words, he’d never really asked Maki on why she would sometimes sit with him in his watch over the smaller boy.

But after nearly a week or so of joining him while visiting Kokichi she did give him a brief idea.

That day had been like any other with him being slightly surprised to see Maki already watching Kokichi the same uncertain look on her face that she always did as Kaito sat down next to her simply acknowledging that today was one of the days Maki joined him.

They sat in silence for a while until Maki decided to break their routine by finally saying what had been on her mind. It was just a question, both somehow too simple and too complex for Kaito to let out more than a slightly pained noise as she asked it.

“Why didn’t he just let us die?”

The question obviously seemed to make Maki as uncomfortable asking it as Kaito felt hearing it her hair becoming increasingly unkempt as she fiddled with it, when he offered her no response she continued.

“I… I didn’t want to think about it… It was hard thinking about how easily manipulated I was and when we were told nothing was real I didn’t think it mattered you were alive and so was Ouma… It didn’t matter” Maki said as she tried to collect herself “… but he didn’t know it wasn’t real, and even if he somehow did then that means he did this to himself willingly… he let himself die at best and forced himself into a coma at worst but he didn’t need to… you were going to die anyway because of your illness but he still chose to give you the antidote… I ‘survived’ because of that” Maki’s eyes furrows before she turns her gaze to him eyes begging for answers he doesn’t have asking the same questions he can’t bring himself to ask.

“He could have just let you die and then he could have just let *me* die… why… why didn’t he?”

Kaito ran his hands down his face, feeling so, so tiered. Ouma’s unconscious body provided no answers.

“I don’t know Harumaki… I just… don’t know.”

A girl Kaito’s never seen before stands with Amami outside one of the pod room one day Amami introduces her as a classmate from his last season Kotobuki Yukari, Amami asks if Kaito has still been visiting Ouma to which Kaito responds with an ‘of course!’ and a thumbs up trying to show the same amount of certainty and charisma he was somehow capable of in the game.

The girl rolls her eyes and tells Kaito to save the jokes for his hairstyle.

Four months.

Shuichi and the others had managed to change the world and stop the killing games finally showing that they were wrong. For four months.

That’s how long it took before fans started talking about Danganronpa again, before reruns started showing and the popularity of the show began to pick up again.

That’s how long it took for the outside world to grow more and want and miss the same stimulation they had just been convinced was wrong.

Four months.

Suddenly his trips to see Kokichi now also became about trying to avoid Team Danganronpa’s employees who had been cornering them all about interviews and photo-shoots and trying to escape his own voice playing on the TV of the hospital televisions.

Kaito was popular.

In any other circumstance he’d have been happy about that statement but having people tell him how much they loved his ‘character’ left nothing but a bitter taste in his mouth.

Statements that he had once worked so hard to earn; that he was ‘inspirational’, that he was ‘heroic’ how he was able to bring out the best in everyone… it all felt like an insult.

But Kaito’s popularity, none of their popularity compared to Ouma’s, people either finding him hilarious or tragic. Theories and analysis and music and art all dedicated to the supreme leader.

Ouma’s statements about having a ten thousand subordinates might actually be an understatement if you counted his fans. Despite his loss of love from his classmates in the game Ouma Kokichi seemed to have captured the hearts of fans worldwide.

He was consistently on the top of fan favorite character lists for the fifty-third seasons despite being the only one who hadn’t appeared in a single interview or photo shoot.

In fact Ouma’s coma might have made him more popular than appearing in the public eye could make any of them, Kaito was getting the feeling that the hospital was getting overwhelmed by the constant gifts sent by fans wishing for Kokichi’s recovery.

Enough flowers to fill a green house and crates and crates of cards and panta and sweets and toys, Kaito even saw that some people had bought Ouma stars.

It was hard for those not to feel like a punch in a gut.

It had taken six months but one day on his way to visit Ouma, Kaito was met with a swarm of doctors and nurses rushing to the pod room and Kaito’s heart almost stops when he sees Shirogane’s almost worried face as there is shouting from the pod room to help stabilize the patient.

Kaito’s body seems to realize what’s happening before his body as by the time he finally realizes what’s happening hospital staff is already holding him back from trying to charge into the pod room.

He nearly punches the orderly trying to calm him down as Ouma’s screams rip through the halls of the hospital.

If Kaito hadn’t considered himself some kind of protector to Ouma than he sure as hell did now as he stood in front of Kokichi’s hospital room glaring at one of danganronpa’s representatives giving a definite ‘no Ouma wasn’t up for a camera crew to burst into his room and have an interview on the first day he’s been awake'.

It took Maki joining him to finally get the employee to back down.

“Go I’ll wait out here,” Maki mumbled playing with her hair and Kaito felt a wave of gratitude as he stepped inside Ouma’s room knowing that she’d stop any threat from coming near them.

Ouma almost looks like he’s drowning in the gifts surrounding him that fill the room, from what Kaito’s heard there are even more on the way as fans celebrate the final contestant waking up. He’s pretty sure Ouma’s made the news.

With a sigh Kaito moves a gift basket off a chair and sits down to do the same thing he’s done every day for the past six months, wait.

Kaito had been imaging what he would say to Ouma multiple times coming up with questions and speeches but all that seems to disappear and Ouma’s eyes flicker open with confusion and uncertainty somehow looking more fragile than ever.

Ouma tries to speak but gets raspy coughs for his trouble and Kaito practically falls over himself trying to give him water and reassure him before hospital staff push him out of the room.

Kaito almost feels like Kokichi’s shadow as he hovers over the other boy as he struggles to eat, struggles to walk, struggles to do most things as he seems to try and fit his utter bewilderment at everything under that mask of his.

Kokichi seems uncertain around him and practically uncomfortable around Shuichi but after Maki had blurted out an apology and Kokichi had disappeared into a room with Iruma and Gonta for a while, the shadows under his eyes seem to lessen

Kaito had felt so useless back when Kokichi had still been in his pod; he’s not sure why he thought he’d be any less useless when Kokichi woke up. It wasn’t enough that Kokichi’s body had been messed up by everything but the fact that even his mind hadn’t escaped harm stung.

Claustrophobia, Kokichi was claustrophobic now.

It almost felt wrong in a sense, Kokichi was nimble and small to squeeze into tight spaces and hide in air vents and anything else he needed to do to cause mischief and chaos, but he couldn’t do that anymore.

Because of Kaito.

They’d found out by accident, Kaito had wheeled Kokichi into the elevator with Maki and Shuichi trailing him and suddenly when the elevator doors shut Kokichi had began to breath as if he was drowning, breaths becoming quicker and more shallow until he was gasping for air Kaito completely frozen not even understanding what was happening let alone what to do.

Shuichi pauses at his side as he watches Kokichi try to scramble out of his wheelchair and fail due to his body being too weak, muscles unable to support him from lack of use, before moving to kneel beside Kokichi as the smaller boy begins to curl in on himself.

"Ouma-kun. Breathe." Shuichi commands in a voice of certainty that Kaito hasn’t heard outside of the class trials

Despite how much Kokichi seemed to pride himself in doing the opposite of what people he actually seemed to be trying to follow Shuichi’s instructions, tears springing to the corners of his eyes as the air fails to make its way into his lungs.

"I need you to count with me. Can you do that?" Shuichi asks both gently and uncertainly.

Kokichi nods and drops his head between his knees, as Shuichi is crouching in front of him gently coaxing him. "Just repeat after me. One."

Kokichi’s breathing somehow gets faster, and he shakes his head. Shuichi puts a hand on his arm. "You're okay. Come on. One."

Kokichi glares at the arm for a second as if he’s thinking about shaking it off off, but instead seems to decide on focusing on his breathing and sucks a breath in between his teeth. "One," he gets out, and the word ends up being more like four syllables, but it's a sound and it's there and Kaito somehow feels a wave of relief from such a simple number

"That's great. Keep going. Two." Shuichi encourages with a determined nod.

"T-t-two," Kokichi gasps, and then three, and four, and by the time he has counted to ten, the elevator doors have opened, Maki’s rushed out and Kokichi is breathing again.

When the hospital staff burst in Kokichi’s shaking has stopped as Shuichi steps aside and begins explaining that Kokichi had a panic attack. Kaito watches his sidekick resolve the situation and feels a familiar prickle of jealousy.

“Momota-kun are you angry at me?” Saihara asks uncertainly after Kokichi’s first attack reaching for a hat that’s no longer there. Kaito paused in shock, why the hell would Kaito be angry at Shuichi? He was the one that had managed to actually do something.

“What are you talking about?” Kaito asks in confusion as Shuichi looks down in something resembling shame.

“I- I knew Ouma-kun was having a panic attack and I, I paused for a second before helping him,” Shuichi admitted staring at the floor as what he just said sunk in.

“Oh,”

“Yeah…”

Kaito knew the moment of silence he took as he shoved down some bitter emotions was too long, was probably too worrying but Kaito needed to take a minute before collecting himself and encouraging Shuichi with a thumbs up,

“What's important is that you decided to help him,” Kaito said both for himself and Shuichi who looked both slightly relieved and still a bit nervous as they walked down the halls in silence for a few moments before Kaito spoke up again.

“...Do you think you can teach me how to do that though?”

Apparently every season of contestants living arrangements after the game follow a trend; the contestants all get one big house together, they break up into smaller groups or cliques or they all go their separate ways their memories from their respective games too painful for the reminder they give each other.

While most of them are all on some level still caught up with their various bullshit and awkwardness from the game Kaito’s glad they haven’t all gone their separate ways completely. It’s not sixteen people crammed into one house but at least everyone is paired up with someone. Except for Shirogane because fuck her.

Rantarō chose to live with that Kotobuki girl that was one of the two ‘survivors’ of the second game which Kaito can respect even if something in him still feels a bit of disappointment at being unable to tell if Amami was really part of their group or not but for now Kaito’s decided that he is, the mysterious adventurer just as messed up from the game as the rest of them especially memory wise though from what he hears that’s getting better. He’s called Kotobuki ‘Ushiromiya’ a while back and apparently that was her name in the game. She’d changed it to stay out of public eye as much as possible.

Kaito wondered if he’d ever have to change his name to deal with all the hassle Danganronpa has given him but he can’t imagine it. No matter what anyone says he’s Kaito Momota luminary of the stars!

Still Amami being in good hands and Tsumugi doing who knows what Kaito’s glad that the group is sticking together. Angie and Shingūji are weirdly enough living together, which should be a cause for concern, but Tojo is with them so she should stop them from doing anything too crazy and Iruma and Kiibo were living together with Gonta and Hoshi. Though all their houses had a spare room for Hoshi, it made him smile at the thought of the tennis player who had been convinced he had nothing to live for now had several places to call home.

Kaito would admit he’d always been a bit of a social butterfly so it shouldn’t be surprised that his group was the biggest one but for some reason he still was. Kokichi would probably make fun of him if he voiced this however but he was still reeling over how this all happened.

At first Kaito didn’t really care about living arrangements other than his plan to stick with Kokichi, those months he spent by the liar’s bedside just waiting for the smaller boy to wake up he’d promised he wasn’t going to let Kokichi crawl back in his shell. In his bad moments when physical therapy was too hard and Kokichi’s frustration of *still* not being able to walk on his own got to him the liar had accused Kaito of simply trying to ease his own guilt. That wasn’t it and he should know it but Kaito couldn’t fully blame him for thinking it, it’s just after everything that happened in the hanger leaving Kokichi alone left a pit in his stomach.

So whether the smaller boy liked it or not Kaito was sticking with him! But then it turned out that Shuichi and Harumaki wanted to stick with Kaito which he didn’t mind he’d be glad to have his sidekicks with him! But then it turned out Yumeno was coming with his sidekicks the three ‘survivors’ sticking together and Chabashira obviously followed Yumeno and Akamatsu who had grown especially close to Chabashira during their time in the hospital followed the Aikido master and that’s how the seven of them all started living together.

Not that he minded it was great but seven high-schoolers under one roof was just asking for drama he thought as he watched the awkward air between Shuichi and Akamatsu across from the kitchen.

He’d just wanted to get a cup of coffee.

They were getting better, or at least Kaito believed they were. Kokichi was walking again and though he was forcing him to take his meds and go to therapy Kokichi was gradually looking like he was more at peace with himself.

Shuichi and Akamatsu were trying to sort out their bullshit or at least the air between them wasn’t so tense.

Everyone in the house was talking more, smiling more and though interviews, and photo shoots and panels and responsibilities were something actively working against their progress they were all getting better.

At least Kaito thought so as he help Kokichi’s hand while he turned off the TV the latest character poll putting Kokichi in the number one slot once again.

The day started like any other they’re all talking, all eating breakfast and making their own plans for the day. Shuichi walked in and passed along their mail hesitantly giving Kokichi a heavy letter and everyone’s movements slow at the sight of the all too familiar logo.

They all seem to share a frown and Kokichi dramatically rolls his eyes as he reaches over and opens the envelope though Kaito spots the flicker of worry that flashes through his eyes.

After all this time Kaito’s still not sure if those rare moments are because Kokichi let’s his mask down at least a little bit around them or if Kaito’s simply gotten that good at reading the smaller boy. Maybe it was a mix of both.

He watches Kokichi’s eyes skim the letter, and then skim it again and again each time looking more and more panicked, looking more and more distressed before his face goes blank and the letter slips from his grip.

Kokichi looks seconds away from another panic attack the rest of the houses occupants are by Kokichi’s side as Kaito picks up Kokichi’s letter and reads…

Kaito would swear he felt his heart shatter.

 Dear Ouma Kokichi,

   According to the contract Ouma Kokichi, the participant of 53rd season of Danganronpa is obliged to follow the condition of participation in future Danganronpa events and as such will be required to participate in the next chapter of Danganronpa’s history.

 Team Danganronpa is pleased to inform the renewal of the series with the latest upcoming season Danganronpa Re:Birth!

 Fifth-teen participants have been chosen to take part in this season with a fan favorite from the previous season being decided to come back for this very special season of Danganronpa the survey to select the sixteenth participant took place while auditions were still being held and Team Danganronpa would like to congratulate you on listing as number one in the polls.

We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen as the sixteenth student of the next season and we look forward to your participation.

 More information for the participants can be found below with information on the setting and general backstory of each participant’s character. Also found below is a list of Team Danganronpa recommended doctors suggested for the surgery to support your upcoming character design….

[raewinncreates]

Failings - Ignis x POC!Reader

Word Count: 2453 Content Warnings: Dysfunctional relationship, angst, alcohol use, smut

Ignis was late.

Again.

You really should have expected it by now. You knew his devotion to the Crown Prince ran deep; probably far deeper than his feelings for you could ever run. And that stung.

Ignis was always known for his punctuality when it came to work, but it always seemed like his relationship with you sat on the back burner of his mind and it was about time for the pot to boil over yet again.

You hated fighting with him; non-confrontational was your middle name. But you felt you had to fight for the sake of your relationship. Neither of you wanted to leave, but you both knew it wasn’t healthy for you to fight as often as you did. You never got physical with each other, but each battle of sharp words left another dagger stuck in the back of your mind, just waiting for him to drive it deeper and deeper until you finally broke down and ended it.

You sighed and checked your phone, frustration getting the better of you when you saw Ignis had, once again, ignored your texts, leaving you on read. Huffing in resentment, you fought the impulse to launch your phone into the wall and just tossed it onto the couch, moving to the kitchen to pack up the now-cold dinner you’d made for the two of you.

Eyes drifted to the bottle of wine chilling in the fridge as you stuffed the leftovers in the back. If he wants to eat, he can find dinner on his own, you thought, pettiness filling your mind. Fuck it, you thought again, grabbing the unopened wine bottle and corkscrew. If he’s not here, I don’t have to share. You kicked the fridge door shut and stomped over to the master bathroom, wrenching the faucet to near boiling, dropping a bath bomb in the tub, oils and glitter dispersing under the run of water. Deft hands quickly yanked the cork out of the bottle and you immediately took a huge swig, savoring the alcohol as the slight burn tugged at your throat.

You set the bottle down next to the tub and stripped, running into the bedroom to grab a book before slowly lowering yourself into the just below boiling water. You winced but also slowly started to relax, your mind focusing on the novel you’d been dying to finish for the last week while draining the bottle, letting the alcohol cloud your mind. All in an attempt to forget the failed dinner date between yourself and Ignis.

The alcohol soaked into you quickly, the heat of the bath affecting your tolerance and before you knew it, most of the bottle was gone and you’d forgotten all about the man who lived with you. Forgotten that he would come home at some point during the evening.

After a long while soaking your aching body in the tub, the water finally started cooling and you flicked the drain, letting the water slip out. You hoisted yourself out of the tub, stumbling slightly and letting out a slight curse. You took a quick look at yourself in the mirror and smiled crookedly; you’d always enjoyed this particular bath bomb. The golden glitter was a pain in the ass, ‘craft herpes’ as your friends called it, but it always made your dark skin look more radiant and you almost always were in a better mood after using it.

Almost.

The door opened and closed silently, Ignis slipping inside your shared apartment under the assumption you were already asleep. He’d finally gotten a free moment from his duties to the crown and responded to your texts, only to find them completely ignored. And given the late hour, he figured sleep claimed you while waiting for him. Once again.

He sighed, knowing that once you woke up there would be another argument, another time he would say something harsher than he intended and breaking your heart in another little way. He wondered how you could put up with him when all he ever did was hurt you; he wondered when your heart would finally shatter and you would leave him.

Ignis knew he would deserve it; he’d never deserved you by his side in the first place.

Looking around your shared apartment, the lights were still on in the kitchen and living room which was unusual if you’d decided to go to bed. You were normally pretty good about turning things off before turning in for the night. Unless you were severely distracted by something else, which seemed to be the case. Dropping his valise beside the couch, he saw your phone laying on the cushions and clicked the lock button once, taking note of all the latest unread notifications on the screen, including his last texts to you.

His ears perked slightly when he heard light splashing sounds from the bathroom and slight mutters reached him shortly after. So you weren’t just yet asleep; probably almost ready though. He hated thinking it, but if you had already fallen asleep then there wouldn’t be the incoming argument that he knew would burst forth once he stepped foot in your shared bedroom.

Ignis sighed and gripped your phone, taking it with him and plugging it into the charger on your side of the bed. He shucked off his gloves, placing them on his bedside table before slipping out of his shoes and setting them in the walk-in closet. A click of the bathroom door made his head instinctively turn your way and immediately he averted his eyes as he saw your nude form emerge from the bathroom. He did notice the empty wine bottle swinging from your hand before he turned away.

“So, what was it this time?” your voice slurred with drink. “His Royal Highness need a bedtime story? To be tucked in all nice and cozy before your day was over?” You were being petulant and unfair but fuck it, you were drunk and pissed that yet another date night of yours had been ruined by Ignis’ unceasing devotion to his job. Realizing you were still holding the bottle, you frowned and dropped it in the trash bin next to your bedside table. You silently noted your phone was now charging. Well at least he’s being thoughtful about something, you thought while rolling your eyes.

“A council meeting that ran far too late, actually,” he replied tersely, his clipped tone telling you that he didn’t want to deal with another argument. “The discussions regarding the treaty Niflheim put forward recently have been…tense as most council members are not a fan of the way His Majesty is seemingly acquiescing to their demands.” He ran a hand through his hair, eyes avoiding your form as you walked into the closet in front of him, and started dressing in your nightclothes.

“Oh yes, because going along with what the damn Nifs put forward is going to be the best thing for all of us,” you muttered under your breath, still loud enough that Ignis could hear you.

He let out a sharp sigh and stood up, blocking your exit from the closet. “Out with it, Y/N; I know you’re not angry at His Majesty. Let’s just get it out and over with.”

You stared up at him indignantly, your eyes darkening with anger. “Alright, fine! I’ve had a shitty week at work. I’ve been accused by a client of sleeping with her ex-husband, a teenager went missing only to find her at her parent’s house that we removed her from months ago, and another client came to us about how she was being assaulted and raped by her boyfriend. We’ve been planning this date for the last three weeks and for all the Astrals sakes I needed ‘us time’ this week. And the FUCKING NIFS and FUCKING ROYALS ruin it. EVERY! DAMN! TIME!” You poked him in the chest for emphasis and slipped under one of his arms, stalking toward your side of the bed.

Now that you’d finally gotten your vent out your anger completely dissipated, shoulders slumping as you sat and buried your face in your hands. “One night, Ignis. That’s all I wanted. All I needed.” A weak sob and whimper left you, “And you couldn’t even do that for me.”

Ignis sighed and ran a hand through his hair, messing up his normally perfect spiked hairstyle, a few strands falling into his eyes. He walked over toward you, a hand gently touching your shoulder waiting to see if you would shy away from or lean into the touch. Surprisingly, you did nothing, not even a flinch at the sudden contact. “Y/N, I’m so sorry.” He deflated slightly at your immediate scoff. “I don’t want to fight again, especially when you’re drunk and tired. It’s not going to solve anything-”

“I don’t want to fight either but it always ends up like this, Ignis!” You wrapped your arms around his waist, chin pressing against his breastbone as you looked up at him. “We fight, you promise to do better, we make up, and it repeats over and over again. Ignis, why do we keep doing this?”

Tears streamed down your face, hiding them in his chest. You hated him seeing you like this, like you were weak and useless compared to his ever-present competence and outwardly tranquil countenance. “We both know this isn’t right; that this isn’t healthy. We should…” your voice trembled, not wanting to say it but knowing it had to be said. “We should end this…us…It’s not fair to either of us, the way we are constantly fighting, constantly hurting each other.”

Your words, however, belied your actions as your face was still buried in his chest, hands clinging to his jacket. Despite all your difficulties as a couple, you still loved him. And you knew you would always love him.

Ignis’ heart shattered in that moment. He’d always assumed he would be the one to break your heart in the end, but surprisingly, it was you. Rationally, he knew you were right; he knew that nothing about your relationship in this moment was healthy.

But he could fix it, couldn’t he? He could try.

He shook his head, chin brushing against the crown of your head. “No,” he whispered. “No, Y/N, I don’t accept that this is the end. We can salvage this; I know it.” His hand reached up and grasped your chin, tilting your head up to look at him, eyes blotchy and swollen from tears. The glitter on your exposed skin caught his eye, shining like stars against the dark expanse of your skin, like the galaxies that spun endlessly above them in the dark night sky.

“I know I’m not the best at expressing it, but I love you, Y/N, with all my heart.” Ignis dropped to his knees and brushed his nose up against yours. “I’m sorry for tonight. I need to be better about keeping you in the loop about what’s going on with work.” His lips were close enough to yours to kiss, but he didn’t want to press your boundaries. He was still unsure if you would forgive him or not this time around.

But forgive him you did. You always did. Because you loved him.

So with tears still seeping from the corners of your eyes, you shifted slightly, slanting your lips against his in a soft and gentle kiss. He returned it with quiet ardency, not pushing any further than you wished to go. And though the alcohol in your system was probably dulling your senses a bit, you still wanted to feel him; you needed the ignorant bliss and pleasure that he and only he could pull out of you.

“I’m sorry too, Ignis,” you murmured, breaking the kiss. You ghosted your lips across his jaw, placing butterfly kisses on his pale skin. “I shouldn’t blame you; I know your job comes first. It always has. We just…we both need to be better on the communication front, right?” You felt him nod, his own lips grazing against your neck, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up and a soft moan escaping your throat.

“Iggy, please…” you gasped, hands pushing off his jacket and fingers reaching for the buttons on his shirt. “I think we both…nngh…just need to forget this week right now. I need you.”

Ignis could smell the alcohol on your breath and saw the bottle laying in the trash out of the corner of his eye. “Are you certain, love?” he asked, his words unsure. “I don’t want either of us to regret this in the morning.” He nudged your face with his nose again, urging you to look him in the eyes.

Your dark eyes met his own, not blown wide with lust just yet, but almost on the cusp. “Yes, Ignis. I’m sure.” Your hands grasped his face tilting it up and you pressed your lips against his roughly, taking control of the kiss, your tongue thrusting into his mouth with abandon.

Time flowed by quickly, like water bursting from a dam and you let Ignis and his overwhelming presence wash over you. Tongues and teeth and lips clashing, nipping and biting across expanses of skin that were slowly exposed inch by inch. Fingers danced upon pale and dark skin, intertwining and twisting and pinching and pulling. Chests heaved, backs arched, legs tangled, both of you losing yourselves in ecstasy, forgetting the heartaches and stresses of the last few weeks. It had been a while since the two of you were able to make love and now you knew you were both making up for it tenfold.

Murmurs of affection and adoration spilled from both your lips when they weren’t attached to each other, repeating apologies and affirmations of your love. Every stroke, every thrust, every arch and moan was slow, long, and languid as if taking your time with each other could make up for the long days and nights when you weren’t able to express these feelings. It was a marathon, slow and steady, a constant climb up to the precipice and then - a jerk, a thrust, a sudden fall into blissful oblivion that took you both.

Disentangling your limbs, Ignis pulled you close to him before pulling up the covers over your naked bodies. “I’m sorry, love,” he nuzzled his nose into your neck, leaving soft kisses along the lines of your throat and shoulder. “This is all my fault; I’ll do better - I promise.”

“That’s all I’m asking for Iggy,” you murmured, eyes drooping shut as sleep claimed you both.

I can only pray you keep that promise this time.

[twistedsimblr]

These  pictures  says a lot more to me as well. And I’m sure noone will take me serious but believe me the story I’ll do you will … lol 

Siren is my favorite out of the kids I just hadn’t figured out what to do with her. Now I have an idea.

As you probably know. The story I  plan on writing all of the kids except Ren die. 

Also I’m debating whether or not to have my simself die He just thinks she had died or something But to be honest I am leaning toward her dying. Leaving just M.K and Ren ( Don’t worry the story I plan has a happy ending of course   Who doesn’t like a good happy ending how if Meg dies? Only time will tell ;) )

But This story allows everything to fall into place in an area where it just makes sense right down to M.K’s tattoos. I also thought it would be interesting to note that M.K spends a lot of time with Meg because he knows this is going to happen  in the future which leaves the other kids sort of neglected. 

And  The other kids seem to be more independent and not as bothered by it but Ren Is curious .

 And she kind of  starts investigating  things. To a point where M.K has to step in and sort of intimidate her  to get her to back off a bit. 

Which only makes her even more curious eventually  in the end she ends up finding it out or he tells her himself making her promise not to say a word to anyone and that could have caused his graying hair  hahah.  But Ren promises him she wont say anything and she keeps her word and he offers her vampire training because of it to  make sure she doesn’t even though she didn’t directly ask for it it’s kind of their thing the way they bond.  When that  time comes when the earth is thrown into turmoil Meg and the rest act a certain way and Ren shifts her focus toward her mother whom shes not as close to but still loves dearly this hurts her brother a bit whose basically her best friend A.J But Ren wants to try and save her Mother because she is aware of the type of man her father is. 

And he tries so hard to keep that from Meg. But she knows too but she pushes it in the back of her mind because she knows He’d never hurt her.  But it is a reason why M.K has grey hair ;)   Of course it would be greyer in the story I keep multiple hair colors SO M.K becomes  Old snake lolol… and goes back and becomes younger again. 

the other two Hunter  Fae and Archie who will be a toddler 

I actually thought Hunter would also survive as he’s uh super hot when he grows up lol but he’d be a teen at the time and Ren would be an adult and Hunter would be some kind of ship mechanic. 

 ( Archie  will be the first to go because I’m horrible hahaha then Fae.)  An Illness takes A.J and Meg and Fae first Archie. 

 I’m not sure about the pets I am thinking something that M.K puts them in cyro sleep or something as an animal lover I can’t bring myself to hurt an animal even if its pixelated. 

But sometimes when situations are dire you can be tempted to eat somethings you shouldnt? of course I couldn’t but I heard stories of survival that were like that. Fucked up really. 

But still exploring this part.I could abandon them which would just add the heart break or I make some colony that allows them all to thrive for a time they take them with them .  until something after they leave earth. 

But an illness causes the Newfie to die or something due to lack of resources. later a warning to M.K that despite the fact they found this colony or something eventually hard ship strikes right? Nothing truly lasts forever. Maxx is put in cyro sleep  thats how he brought him back now.  Or He has the Newfie come back with him to the past. hence why he doesn’t age as well? So many possiblities. 

So this illness or virus   which leads to fae then later A.J then  finally Meg dying I STILL DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT TO MY BABY M.K  maybe become ill im not sure It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. 

Testing M.Ks tolerance more and more until after Meg dies he becomes a changed man full of guilt and hatred toward himself for a decision he made that he thought would help his family.  He becomes a cold hearted and distant pushing away his two remaining  kids and invested heavily in smuggling as well as likely drinking to the point where he’s trying to hurt himself where most would have poisoning. Acting like he just wants to die. He abandons them and goes into hiding for  long time. 

Everything is routine to M.K like he feels nothing. He fights a good fight to defend his cargo from pirates because well it’s his job and it pays a pretty penny who doesn’t like money? But he’s killed alot of people good people. As he’s also an assassin of sorts maybe?  Or just looking out for his daughter ;) despite him becoming this ruthless monster. 

I had an idea that M.K  he discovers a drug that slows or stops his healing factor  for a time like temporarily but eventually over time he becomes addicted to this because to him he sort of deserves to feel pain his healing factor is   thats sort of like wolverines but not as overkill  and if hes feeling weak it wont work as quickly  so he could allow himself to feel pain more intensely as well as  get hurt ..He can also attach limbs if he’s fast enough.Not many try to cut off his legs though  lmao. maybe a toe or something a finger a hand what ever an ear. Lazarus much?

Ren tries one last time to talk to him not having done so after her mother dies  and she finds blood soaked bandages  and blood everywhere or something and all these needles or something But he’s no where to be found at least so she thought M.K almost kills her not recognizing her at first  then  while nearly having a knife or something to her throat asks  How she found him. 

And that’s when she says she’s there to kill him and he just laughs and says everyone wants my ass on a platter Im not surprised what’s holding you back then? Because I’m your daddy?

. Ren being the best Bounty hunter or ranger in the galaxy or something. She and her father  they fight or something 

 But she wins and while M.K destroyed alot of things including maybe killing her lover  or something  a friend  maybe theres some resentment to being abandoned by the only thing she and Hunter had left? 

But she didn’t know the man her father killed wasn’t all he cracked up to be .or so was only interested in her because of him and was hoping she knew where he was she didn’t but wasn’t convinced also stole money from her and cheated on her. Maybe Ren knew she had to kill him  maybe she knew his location but knows she can’t kill him. 

 I also thought a brief arguement ensues with these so called good people her lover included her previous a male and I’m perhaps thinking her current being female.  And M.K kills them because  the man didn’t really love her and was just trying to get closer to him because the reward for him dead was hard to pass up. That though smart She was always so gullable and quite often when she thought she had thwarted her enemies it was M.K who did it all.  despite them being enemies He still looks out for her like I mentioned. And people literally shit thier pants when they run into him and if they want to do business with him well they better be paying good money for it. Or no deal. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if MK kills women too being that upset He goes back to his old ways.. And his sense of humor becomes twisted…  the hilarious thing is that as much as he loves sex I can’t see him even getting involved with someone and if he does it triggers some kind of memory or he feels dirty like a strange tick 

I say this because after sex with Meg he always washes his hands like he feels dirty so I’m thinking he has this thing were he feels gross. But sex to him is a a free meal. of blood despite him liking food. food becomes scarce so He’s gotta go all antique vampire like now which is why he was able to survive him and Ren. 

  He doesn’t really like to leave a trail and he usually plucks off people or women that he feels  wouldn’t be missed.

and had a bad reputation and was sought after she spares his life after winning   He tells her that he was proud of her and she cracks a bit.  Because she sees a glimpse of her father she hadn’t seen in a long time. then says theres a way he could be happy again and it was classfied and hence that’s what you see on my blog. Memories of the past. I actually think I'd have Archie Survive he's so much like his mum I love him 

[emperorren]

What Reylo scenes would you want to happen in Episode IX? In the context of there being no limitations (PG-13 rating, things Disney wouldn't do, the plot (within reason))? Thanks!

(please excuse my lack of coherence but tlj, unlike tfa, left me with lots of question marks on the future evolution of reylo. It unexpectedly covered most of my preexisting predictions for this ship while also leaving their relationships unresolved, so I’m currently in the process of adjusting my predictions to the new circumstances and the changed dynamic and I’m just going to spitball in no particular order and no attempt at sticking to any coherent idea of plot)

number one on my wishlist is a deepening of the force bond in terms of what they can feel and how they can use it

I want the force bond to explored from different angles: what it means in terms of force lore, why it happened to them, what makes them special to the Force, how do they physically feel, how they deal with this intimacy they don’t understand now that they’ve hurt and disappointed each other so much. But I also want them to study it, as opposed to passively experience it. Perhaps try to manipulate the bond to either shut the other out or keep an eye or each other or (also) use it in an attempt to weaken the other in a duel

I want to see new visual ways to convey how the bond progressively grows and expands between them. So bring on all kinds of obscure lynchian visions, shared dreams, nightmares about each other dying, sensing each other’s approaching, tapping into each other’s conscience and deeply buried memories of their childhood and past abuse (that would be an awesome way to include a snoke flashback, as well as more details of rey’s parents), even better if the other’s present self is there to witness it too

at least an antagonistic duel filled with angst and rage and betrayal on either part, physical and raw and bloody. Yes I want to see some blood. (you said no rating limitations) I can imagine their duel to quickly turn into a battle of wills in which they try to overpower the other via the force bond

rey could use some of kylo’s signature tactics like the force stun and the force choke on kylo himself (which would obviously both terrify and turn him on)

even better if, at some time prior to this climatic duel, rey asked kylo to teach her to use those powers and he agreed—knowing fully well that she means to use them against him, but he’s self destructive like that and he is perversely fascinated by the idea of her being the fated angel of death who will finally put him out of his misery. Rey feels that and it upsets her in a similar way seeing him beat his own wounds on starkiller did

they’re both miserable without each other, but they don’t want to show it, so this leads to at least one scene in which Kylo tries desperately to pretend he hates Rey but as soon as she shows up all he can do is stutter and spit some badly rehashed insults while also looking like he’s about to cry. Rey can’t speak at all

perhaps this happens in the throne room while Renperor is sitting on the throne. Maybe they should continue the tradition of rey ending up in enemy territory (better if willingly), or maybe this time it’s Kylo who is captured by the resistance, and rey is conflicted about it and feels his pain as he’s wounded and kept prisoner, and after a while she secretly sets him free 

arguing on the jedi texts via force skype

arguing on how to rebuild the legacy saber via force skype

kylo being an insufferable know-it-all nerd

more force bond shenanigans: feeling the other’s physical pain (maybe because they’re being tortured or beaten in combat) but not being able to see the other (since the force is mad at them and they’re mad at each other, the bond won’t work properly for at least 1/3 of the movie), and going crazy with panic while also being in unspeakable physical pain through the bond

the eroticism of the force bond should be amped up, pg-13 be damned. Give me all the awkward and increasingly bolder force-touching, feeling each other’s arousal at the worst times, teasing and taunting each other, the unresolved sexual tension getting more and more literal, seeing each other naked, rey and kylo trying to keep their forbidden psychic affair secret to their respective organizations, while also being more and more desperate for each other

Rey struggling with the dark side. Perhaps accidentally unleashing her powers in a moment of wrath and killing someone in the process, then plagued by guilt and blind panic going to Kylo for advice

Alternatively Rey having a conflict with Poe and/or Finn once they learn of the bond. Poe wants to keep her in custody or use the bond to lure Kylo in a trap. Rey is furious and she runs away (to Kylo). I can honestly see Finn being deeply hurt by Rey’s bond with Kylo, but ultimately choosing to support her. (this could also mean interesting things for the poe/finn dynamic

let’s be real: a version of the Most Tropey Reylo Trope, aka Stranded Together On A Mysterious And Remote Corner Of The Galaxy, HAS to happen in some form eventually

especially if one of them is injured when this happens. Let’s say both.

they end up on the Falcon together. they tend on each other’s wounds (more shirtless moments, probably). Rey cups Kylo’s face in a callback to Han’s gesture, traces his scar from his cheek down his chest. Major ship tease moment 

perhaps this is followed by a galactic trip to either find some ancient artifact or to collect some crucial information to their understanding of the Force, the Galaxy, the Balance and their role in all of this, that would lead to some earth-shattering reveal 

maybe they go find the Bendu to inquire about the balance, possibly after reading some cryptic line in the jedi books

at some point, they should go back to Jakku. Would really love to see Kylo’s walking with his billowy dark robes through a sand storm and them finding shelter in Rey’s old AT-AT and Kylo seeing the scratches on the wall

there should also be some sort of cliff scene or an equivalent, because I’ve become attached to that pre-tlj headcanon; though, clearly, now that their dynamic has evolved it wouldn’t make sense for it to play exactly like it would have for eight

in general I want them to be alone with each other on an inhospitable planet, better if connected to the dark side. Like Mustafar, or somewhere in the unknown regions (Malachor?)

Leia’s funeral. Rey helps Kylo connect with his mother one last time via the force bond, letting him touch her face with her hand. 

Kylo cries in Rey’s arms.

Rey meeting the Knights of Ren?

probably some version of the forceback scene, though part of me believes tlj covered it with kylo killing snoke (note how the forceback has rain in it—foreshadowing the intense bond manifesting on ahch-to, and the “clan leader” could be a metaphor for snoke)

one of them (or both) will try to find a way to sever the bond permanently. maybe during the galactic trip hey learn of an ancient ritual and they agree to perform it and Kylo goes first but halfway through it Rey realizes it’s too painful (both physically for Kylo and emotionally for both of them) and she implores him to stop

“I can’t lose you”

Hux’s hostility only grows bigger and bigger and Kylo starts feeling threatened. Rey feels it through the bond, she panics. 

Hux finds out what’s going on with them and uses it to set up a trap to kill two birds with one stone and get rid of both Kylo and Rey. Maybe he imprisons Kylo after neutralizing his force powers.

how would he? well since Hux really hates the Force for being an advantage he has no access to, it makes sense to me that he’d try to ~kill it~. Now I obviously don’t think anyone can kill the Force, but maybe accidentally stumbling upon some old sacred text or artifact or creating a device that allows him to permanently sever the tie that binds the Force to all living beings? i.e. destroying force-sensitivity?

this could easily be the ultimate evil to defeat, and the final turning point for kylo—learning that his “side” of the war is actively trying to destroy his most beloved driving principle, the very thing he’s in service to? That should make him reevaluate his allegiances and spontaneously ask Rey’s help to stop this. (I originally wanted Snoke to be behind this, but I gotta admit Hux works better, with  his deep-seated resentment of force-sensitive beings)

sometime in act III there’s a huge battle and the resistance is being decimated and Rey is losing her fight and is almost unconscious and all hope seems lost and then suddenly Kylo’s ship appears and starts firing on the First Order and then he lands (a callback to the first time we saw him in the trilogy) and goes to join Rey while she’s watching all of this in a sort of semi-conscious slow motion haze and all she can think is, he came back for me

third time’s the charm, so there has to be a third offer, and this time the other will accept it. I’m not sure if I want Rey to be the one who offers Kylo, or Kylo to Rey

REYLO KISS. now I think we have VERY decent chances of actually seeing one in canon. But without the pg-13 limit? It starts as extremely sweet and tentative (Rey initiates it) and then deepens and SETS THE SCREEN ON FIRE. I’m torn between this happening in an intimate, quiet moment or during/after a fight (think the end of the praetorian guard scene for reference).

THEY FUCK. no rating limits. Unleash your imagination.

(better if they fuck while thinking this is going to be their first and last time, like the night before the battle that will decide both their fates, or kylo’s fate if he’s going to be executed by the resistance)

finally, i want to see them using the Force together. in some huge thing. Like stopping a death ray firing on a planet. (Coruscant or Naboo) Impossible? Maybe. But Kylo, alone, could stop a blaster mid air. Imagine what he could do with Rey

[swfanficbyjz]

SW Rey Theory - Legacy of Light - Chapter 16

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(End of A New Hope, during rebel assault on the first Death Star)

             "Rex, get her out of here!" Ahsoka shouted, from the other side of the room as she tried to keep Starkiller busy. It wasn't hard he didn't seem to care about anyone else. She regretted returning to the rebellion as she saw the dead bodies around her. Either Vader had sent his new apprentice after her, or he'd gotten the idea that killing her would please his master. Whatever the reason, these people were all dead because of her. This was why she'd tried to keep Ashla away from this. She knew that her daughter was no stranger to death; Nyx and his smuggling buddies got into more than enough trouble that resulted in someone shooting someone else. But a war was a different thing entirely. At least she knew Rex would stay with her. Knowing that was the only thing that made sending her away again okay. She wished every day for the fighting to end so she could have just a little more time with the light of her life. 

            Ashla was everything she'd always imagined her to be, and so much more. She was snarky like she used to be, her smirk made her feel like she was staring in the face of her old master. She was also soft and loving; balanced and far less volatile than her father. She had his impulsiveness though, and his sense for machines, and according to Rex, his ability to fix, upgrade and reinvent them. She hated to admit how much she'd give anything to go on adventures with her. It would be like Anakin was by her side again; just maybe a little less crazy. It was a wasted dream, she knew that. The past was gone, and she would not encourage his destructive behaviors in Ashla just so she could relive the glory days; if you could call them that. Protecting her daughter, making the galaxy a better place for her... it gave her life purpose. It gave her something to fight for. After so much loss... so much pain... she had to preserve it at all costs, even if it meant she never got to see her again. 

            "But...!" Rex started to argue. She appreciated his loyalty, but right now, her daughter's life was more important than hers. There was no one she trusted with it more than him.

            "That's an order!" she replied, ducking under Starkiller's aggressive slashes. 

            "Yes, sir!" Rex obediently exclaimed, and they disappeared from sight. Ahsoka breathed a little easier knowing they'd be safe now. 

 --- 

             "What about my mom?" Ashla cried, looking over her shoulder as Rex pulled her along behind him.

            "She'll be fine," he said gruffly, pushing her forward into the ship and starting the engine. Ashla sat down in the copilot seat and looked over at him. Her heart ached. Was she about to lose her mother again? Rex sounded confident as he focused on the task of getting them away from there, but she sensed fear in him, and pain; strong pain. He believed he was losing her again too. 

            "How can you be so sure?" she asked, needing any kind of reassurance she could get. The way Starkiller had fought... was like nothing she'd ever seen. Even with Ezra's training, she couldn't imagine matching something like that. She'd been so foolish! So eager to do anything to convince her mother to let her stay. Who was she kidding? She couldn't fight! Not soldiers like that! She was good with a blaster, but the Sith agents had cut through those in a matter of seconds. Her lightsaber skills, natural though they were, were sorely lacking. Maybe she'd have a chance if her mother trained her... but that would never happen. Her mother wanted her to hide. Just hide. What good did that do anyone? She wanted to learn, she wanted to fight. She was tired of feeling weak and helpless. Tired of everyone sacrificing their lives for her. She wanted to defend herself. She wanted to be as strong as her mother. Maybe even as strong as her father. 

            "She's survived worse, Lil'un. That's what she's best at; surviving. And it’s time you learn that skill," Rex said finally. An explosion behind their ship rocked it, right as they jumped to hyperspace. 

            "Mom!" Ashla cried, running from the cockpit, knowing full well that she wouldn't see her. She wouldn’t see anything.

            Rex found her crying against the loading ramp door. She was grateful for his presence; grateful to not be alone right now, but she couldn't form the words to tell him that. Her chest felt tight. Had her mom escaped the ship before it had exploded? She couldn't find a calm enough to reach for her to find out. The truth was, she was scared she wouldn't be there if she did; like the last time. She secretly wished she could go to her father, or Luke... or someone that fully understood the loss she felt right now. Rex had told her that Anakin's mother, her grandmother, had died just before he met her father; when he was her age. That he never fully got over it, and was very protective of those around him because of it. Luke had never said the words, but he'd lived with his aunt and uncle, never knowing either of his parents, only that they'd died. And after seeing his sorrow when they’d talked, he must have lost his guardians too. She wondered how many other kids out there had a similar story of loss or pain. Was the Empire to blame for all of it? Or something more?

            Rex sat down on the cold metal floor next to her. He didn't say anything at first, but she liked him here. If there was even a chance her family could be a real family, she’d still want Rex there. In some ways he was more family than her mom and dad. Probably because in him, lived the memories of better times, and he was here, when they weren't. 

            "You know…" he said suddenly. She looked up at him as he leaned his head back against the closed loading ramp. "When I first met your mother, she sassed the pants off your father. She had no respect for authority, believing that her Jedi title would automatically earn her respect. Their first mission together was to sneak through enemy lines and disable a shield so that we had a chance at destroying the endless waves of clankers coming our way. I'll never forget that day. They left to complete their mission arguing the whole way. No one was really sure if they'd succeed or kill each other." A sad smile crossed his lips as he remembered. "They returned triumphant, and boy did your mother have a story to tell. How they'd bested innumerable droids and how she'd saved her master's life by pulling down a wall. Not wanting to be upstaged, your father claimed it hadn't happened quite that dramatically. They were so competitive, the two of them. Everything was a game and they always kept score. It wasn't very professional, but it made the war seem less... terrible..." he sighed and glanced over at her. "My point is, I suppose, I watched them walk away from more things that should have killed them than you'd think possible. I still have no idea how they did it, but they did. They watched out for each other. She's fighting this battle so you don't have to; she's watching out for you. I know it's hard, but she is strong and brave. You are too, Ashla. I see both your parents in you. Honor them by surviving. Watch out for them and for others and protect what they stood for."

            "I want to," she said finally. The story he told filled her heart. Hearing the way her parents were, she didn't think she could ever hear enough of it. It made them feel closer. It was hard to picture her mom disrespecting authority though, she was so calm and balanced. Or so she seemed now. She supposed that's what growing up did. "I just wish I didn't feel so helpless. I want to fight, I want to do something. But instead, I just keep getting people into worse situations."

            Rex reached out and patted her on the arm. "It's part of learning, Lil’un. Even veterans make mistakes. You can't blame yourself. Doing so only cripples you and gives the enemy the advantage. Acknowledge mistakes when they're made and do better next time."

            "What happened to my dad?" she changed the subject when a thought occurred to her. She really needed to know. 

            "I can't say for sure," he whispered. "Your mother suggested that perhaps his deep emotions and fear got the best of him. I'm not a Jedi though, I don't know how all the light side and dark side stuff works. Anakin was a complicated person. He was brilliant and powerful, but he hid so many things about himself. He never talked about his past, he resented the title everyone had given him; they believed he was some ‘chosen one.’ He loved people deeply, even though the Jedi forbade attachments. He was a bit... unconventional at times, but he pulled more victories out of his hat than any other general at the time. But as your mother has told me, victory at any cost is not truly victory. The Jedi believed in a very specific type of victory, one that held true to their beliefs. Your father wasn't always so good at following those rules. He was an incredible leader, but he could be reckless and impulsive; things that tended to put people around him in unprecedented danger. It wasn't because he didn't care about them of course, but it did cause a lot of problems." He paused and scratched his bald head. "He was afraid of loss though, afraid of the people he loved dying or leaving. He'd risk entire missions to save one person. One time, he even risked a whole squadron to rescue his droid; R2D2. Brilliant little thing, but that was a rough mission for the books. Only two clones survived. Your mother went face to face with General Grievous, one of the worst enemies we faced during the war. She was still barely a padawan, how she survived her encounter without help, I'll never know. Far more experienced Jedi had fallen to that monster. That's why I mean what I say about surviving is what she's best at. If she could live through that stuff with minimal training, this is nothing for her now."

            Rex's story had her buzzing with pride for her mother. She was powerful, clearly. If she could survive so much. Her father, on the other hand, she admired the way Rex spoke of him so fondly, but she was starting to understand how he was temperamental enough to be influenced by the dark side. Ignoring beliefs and warnings, risking lives on crazy rescue missions... she hoped she wasn't quite so impulsive, but then again, what had she just been berating herself for? The need to prove herself to her mother and the foolish things she'd done to do so. Maybe she was more like her father. That worried her. 

            Rex seemed to sense where her thoughts were going. "Your father was a good man. Whatever caused him to turn, likely wasn't simple or completely in his control. But you're not him, Ashla, and you're not your mother either. They're a part of you, it's true. You have a chance to choose your life, something neither of them could. You can be whatever you want. In fact, that's what I can say, quite confidently, they'd both want for you." He reached around her shoulders and pulled her into him. "Who will you be?”

 ---

              Ashla rested her head back on the pillow on one of the bunks in the ship her and Rex were now living in. She couldn’t stop thinking about the things he’d said about her parents. How her mother had been fighting so hard in this war so she didn’t have to. She believed that, but hiding or not, there was really no way to escape it. The war would be everywhere she went. How she lived within it was all that would change. She was grateful for what her mother did, but she hated sitting around and not getting involved. Her parents had fought for something. She couldn’t even claim that. Even if honoring them meant choosing to live her life instead of fighting, it made her feel useless. Starkiller had said her mother had been the leader of the rebellion, Rex had told her a similar thing; that she’d made the rebellion possible. She felt the pride of that; knowing what her mom fought for. Knowing that without her, nothing could really oppose the Empire.

           On the flip side of that, she wanted to reach out to her father. Not to join him, no way. He’d done too much evil in the galaxy; caused her mom too much pain to forgive him so easily. However… he had once been good. He’d once fought for the same things Ahsoka did, and she felt a burning desire to know him, to know why he’d fallen. Maybe even to save him. It was foolish to think she had any chance to reach him. If her own mother, someone he’d once loved couldn’t. But the urge to try was far too irresistible. She secretly hoped that they’d connect; that they’d form a bond like the one that she had with her mother. Maybe together, they could work through the losses they’d both experienced, and eventually… he might come back to them. Rex still believed in who he’d once been, and so did Ahsoka. They didn’t say it, but they were both holding out hope that Anakin Skywalker would return. In fact… she got the distinct feeling they were living in the past when it came to him; that neither of them could completely accept what he’d become. She didn’t know who he used to be except for stories about him, maybe she could meet him where he was now. It was worth a try, wasn’t it?

            Maybe then she could say she too had contributed to the betterment of the galaxy, rather than hiding like a coward. She closed her eyes, falling deep into the force. Letting her instincts on how she reached her mother direct her. Except this time, she turned towards her father; searching the force for someone she’d never met. She didn’t know if force bonds worked like this. It was probably rare to reach anyone wherever they were, but she’d always been able to with her mom, no matter where she was; at least except for that place she’d been when her mom had fought her father. It was possible he lived somewhere just as impenetrable, but she was determined to try.

            She pushed deeper, begging the force to give her a chance. Wherever she was going, it was getting increasingly harder to breathe. At some point, the energy seemed to shift from light to dark. Fear started bubbling all around her, but she kept going. Out of nowhere, she hit what felt like a wall of blood. The hatred swirled around her with such violence, she cried out in panic. She fought to get her bearings, to make sense of what she was seeing. There was nothing distinctive, just a pounding rage of emotions, beating against her. It was a sound but not really. It thrummed against her eardrums and she feared they might explode from the force of it. She brought her hands up to cover them; the pain was unbearable. She glanced up to see a man standing some distance away. At least she thought it was a man. He was terrifying. It looked like he was a burnt husk of something; disfigured beyond recognition. Flames seemed to burst from him in all directions. 

            She panicked, crying out in fear and rolled onto the metal floor of the room she’d been in, sobbing. Rex rushed in moments later and lifted her to her feet. She was so disoriented and freaked out that she couldn’t see anything clearly. Her heart pounded in her chest as though it was trying to escape the evil she’d just witnessed too. She shook her head when he spoke. She could tell he was talking but not what he said. She let him guide her somewhere to sit down. When he got up to get her something she pulled on him. She didn’t want him to go. She was too afraid.

            “Don’t tell my mother,” she begged. “Please don’t! I know it was wrong. It was so wrong.” He looked at her in confusion and concern. He had no idea what she was talking about. She wouldn’t be able to explain it anyways. 

            “Don’t tell her what?” he asked softly, hugging her tightly to him. She shivered uncontrollably. Whatever she’d witnessed had been both burning hot and freezing cold at the same time. It made no sense to her. She wasn’t sure she’d ever understand it.

            She shook her head, rocking back and forth. She couldn’t clear the image of that man-thing from her head. It took her a long time to get her breathing back under control. Never again; she’d never disobey her mother again. Everything she’d told her had been true. She was better off hiding. She wasn’t strong enough to fight the Sith. Or Starkiller. Or her father. Her mom had fought all those things and survived, over and over again. It was never clearer to her that she wasn’t her mother. She wasn’t her parents. She was plain ol’ Ashla; useless and about as special as a rock. She’d been so stupid. She had no idea what was out there. If any of that was an indication, she didn’t ever want to face it. 

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