#and my mates are so supportive and my uni is so supportive my family issues seem so small all of a sudden right now

[l35213]

breaking out of my art block silence to declare I STARTED TESTOSTERONE TODAY!!!!!!!!!

[chelseachilly]

THIS LOVE - prologue | high tide came and brought you in

pairing: ben chilwell x reader

rating: T

word count: 1.5k

summary: you and ben have been best friends since you were kids. there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for him, including pretending to be his girlfriend to help his career when his public image has taken a hit. what’s the worst that can happen?

A/N: hi everyone! welcome to my latest ben fic! thanks to everyone who voted in the poll i made recently, ultimately i couldn’t decide so ended up going with both fake dating and friends to lovers lol. the title is from this love by taylor swift (taylor’s version obvi) <3

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When you woke up today, becoming Ben Chilwell’s girlfriend is the last thing you would’ve expected to happen. Short of an alien invasion or a complete nuclear apocalypse, there is hardly any conceivable scenario that you would’ve had a harder time believing.

The day starts like any other.

You wake up after hitting snooze a couple times then hurry to get ready for work. You don’t have time to make coffee at home, so you grab a latte and a bagel from Pret on your way to the hospital.

It’s a typical, stressful day in the life of an A&E nurse, with a few major traumas coming in and the usual NHS understaffing issues.

You have lunch with your favourite coworker talk close friend Valerie, who you met in uni, and talked shit about your least favourite coworkers while eating mediocre salads from the cafeteria.

By the end of the day, you’re totally exhausted, practically dragging your feet as you walk up the stairs to your flat and collapse on the couch.

You’ve just mustered the energy to change into your pyjamas when there’s a knock on your door, and you excitedly run over to grab your dinner.

Unfortunately, it isn’t the Indian takeaway you’ve ordered waiting for you on the other side, it’s your best friend Ben.

“I thought you were Indian food,” you groan.

“Sorry to disappoint,” Ben chuckles as you step aside to let him in and he kicks off his shoes. “Tough day?”

“Long day,” you reply, walking back over to your couch and plopping down as Ben walks into your kitchen to get a drink, making himself at home.

You and Ben have been best friends since you were six, when you and your family moved and you started at the same primary school as him. He was the first kid to show you some kindness by asking if you wanted to join him and his mates for a game of football at recess. Obviously, at the time you couldn’t have predicted that the childhood pastime would turn into a massively successful career for him.

You two grew closer over the years and remained close even when he started at Leicester’s academy and you didn’t get to spend nearly as much time together. You almost never missed a home game, regardless of if it was a friendly in the academy days or a monumental Champions League match once he made it to Chelsea.

Likewise, Ben has always been there for you, supporting you as you worked your butt off to make it through uni and get your nursing certification. He was elated when you landed a job at a hospital in London not long after he signed with Chelsea, immediately offering you a spare bedroom.

Although you did take him up on that offer for a couple months while you saved up and looked for a decent flat, you eventually got your own place to be closer to work. And because you found that guys you went out with were either threatened or way too excited when they found out you lived with a Premier League footballer.

You’ve both been living in London for about three years now, and while you’ve made your fair share of friends in the city, there is something special about the bond you have with Ben. He knows you better than anyone else, just as you know him, and hanging out with him always feels right.

He feels like home.

Ben joins you on the couch with two beers he stole from your fridge, one of which he passes to you.

You raise an eyebrow, accepting the drink and taking a sip. “Since when are you allowed to drink the week of a game?”

“I’m just having one,” Ben retorts, kicking his feet up on your coffee table. “I’ve had a long day, too.”

“Oh, right, the PR meeting was today,” you recall. “How did it go?”

“Not great,” he sighs. “Do you think I’m a man whore?”

You nearly spit out your beer, trying very hard not to laugh as Ben looks at you with complete earnestness.

“Well, um, I wouldn’t say it like that,” you chuckle. “But…”

“Oh my god,” Ben groans. “If my best friend thinks that, no wonder my publicist says my image is shit.”

Frankly, Ben’s reputation has been better. Lately, he’s been spotted with more models and influencers than you can keep track of, none of whom stick around for very long. The media has been loving it, branding him as Chelsea’s resident playboy and splashing photos of him leaving clubs with beautiful women all over the tabloids.

You try not to judge, as it’s none of your business who Ben hooks up with, but you do think it’s a bit unlike him to be so reckless about it. Nevertheless, you’ve kept those thoughts to yourself.

“Isn’t that sort of the norm for footballers, though?” you question. “I mean, it’s not like a cheating scandal or something. Some of those guys are way worse than you, at least from what I’ve seen online.”

“Yeah, but according to Shreya, my publicist, times are changing and people don’t like the playboy shit anymore. Apparently I would have more luck getting brand deals and stuff if I seemed more…wholesome.”

You love Ben, but you struggle to see the man who proudly told you he left Jack Grealish’s party with two girls a few weeks ago as wholesome.

“So, what’s the plan?” you ask, taking another sip of beer. “Be more discreet with your hookups?”

“Not exactly,” Ben replies. “The team thinks…and I know this sounds crazy, but they want me to get a girlfriend. Well, a fake one. Someone to improve my image.”

You can’t help but burst out laughing at the absurdity of the situation, and Ben narrows his eyes at you.

“God, I didn’t know famous people actually did that,” you say, trying to hold back your laughter. “Who’s she gonna set you up with? Please say it’s Taylor Swift. She’s single now!”

Ben laughs for a moment before setting his beer down on the table and turning to face you with a slightly more serious expression on his face.

“Actually, they had someone else in mind,” he says sheepishly. “Someone I already know.”

“Who is it?” you ask, trying to rack your brain to think of what girls Ben knows that would improve his image. Outside of his family and his mates’ girlfriends, you’re pretty much the only woman who is a constant presence in his life. “Wait, are you - don’t tell me you’re asking me?”

Ben pauses for a moment before hesitantly nodding, looking a bit as though he’s afraid you’re going to hit him. Which, frankly, you’re considering.

“The PR team asked if I knew any girls that would work and Mark started going on and on about how you’re my best friend and a nurse and they all said you would be perfect-“

“Ben, I can’t date you!” you exclaim, cursing his agent, Mark, for even suggesting something so absurd. “Who would even believe that?”

“We don’t need people who know us to believe it, just the public,” he states. “And you don’t have to actually date me, we just have to pretend in public for a couple months.”

“I know, but…”

“Please, Y/N?” Ben says, looking at you with wide eyes that you’ve found hard to resist since he was using them to get your extra biscuits in fourth year. “I know it’s a weird request, but it could really help me out.”

It’s really hard to say no to that. Ben has always been there for you in every way imaginable. He once flew to Leeds, where you went to uni, on a moment’s notice because you were stressing over finals and needed a friend. A couple years into his time at Leicester, your dad lost his job and Ben insisted upon covering your parents’ mortgage for six months to help out, claiming he “owed them for all the Sunday roasts” and refusing to accept repayment even when your dad found work again.

He would never use any of that as a bargaining chip or try to cash in a favour, but you really do feel as though you owe him one. And more importantly, you want to help him.

“Okay,” you sigh. “I’ll be your stupid fake girlfriend or whatever.”

“Really?” Ben’s face lights up and he pulls you into a tight hug. “Thank you so much. God, you’re a lifesaver.”

You hug him back just as tightly, breathing in his familiar scent - a mix of his aftershave with a bit of grass and something else.

“You’re welcome,” you say, rolling your eyes slightly as you pull back. “I feel like I’m gonna regret this.”

“You won’t, I promise,” Ben assures you. “I’ll give you a cut when I land the next big brand deal, how’s that?”

“Ew, no, that makes me feel a bit prostitutey,” you chuckle. “It’s just a favour, no need to compensate me. Although you can pay for the food when it gets here, since you’re gonna end up stealing half of it anyways.”

“Deal,” he grins, grabbing your TV remote and putting on an episode of New Girl you’ve both seen before.

As you settle in with your beers and samosas, laughing at the television together, you can’t help but wonder what you’ve just signed up for.

Oh well. What’s the worst that could happen?

A/N: i hope you enjoyed this first part, please let me know what you thought!! should have the next up soon! 💕 (also let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!)

[wizkiddx]

in your own way

so someone sent me this idea and I thought it was really cute and wanted to do it as a blurb but then I got all confused so it’s very shite and I can only apologise. also I am not no genius so pretending to be one was literally just putting words together they make no sense ahaha

Summary: tom gets self conscious of his intelligence compared to you

        (bit of angst but mainly fluff ;))

tomhollandxreader

The doorbell ringing through the couch grabbed the attention of all five of you, your heads all whipping towards the door the round to each other. You’d already got the pizza (had demolished it too) and nobody had ordered any desserts - at least that you knew of. It had been a rather tame evening, your four uni mates all stuffed into you cosy but homely studio flat. Lix had just moved to London and had wanted some help with a new project that she couldn’t afford to cock up at her new job. So, assembling the ‘dream team’ back from simpler days, you were all crouched down over many print outs - trying to puzzle your way through how the plans could be redesigned to make the invention much more ergonomic. 

“Don’t stop working!” The four around you all just groaned in return, Josh lightheartedly slapping your leg as you skipped over him.  Laughing at their exhausted and almost beaten brains , you jumped up and hopped toward the door frame, picking a discarded pizza box off up the floor and onto the countertop on your way.  As you reached the door you tightened your hair in the scrunch before painting a welcoming smile on your face and opening the door. Whatever you had been expecting, it was definitely not what you saw. 

Warm brown ochre eyes, a mischievous grin and a bunch of beautifully arrange yellow and white flowers.

“TOM!”

Squealing his names, your body apparently decided to ignore the flowers he was grasping to his front, still choosing to throw your arms around his neck and pull him close - the precious petals squashed between your two bodies. 

“God I’ve missed you!” He grinned into the side of your head, only stopping to press multiple kisses to the side of your face till you arched back and met him with your own lips. 

“Thought we were meeting tomorrow? You asked against his lips, with a little smirk - you could have a pretty good guess as to why. He had just returned from a long shoot abroad and had planned on spending the evening with his parents and brothers, then in the morning the idea was for you to go get breakfast together. You would never dream of competing for his affection against his family, so had been more than happy to give them a day with their eldest back before you saw Tom. It was still early days in your relationship anyway, you actually only been a couple and in the same country for a matter of weeks, but of course the time he was away you made time for the long distance phone calls and FaceTimes. 

“Mhmm well I just kept imagining you in a cold lonely bed and it’s not like I’m gonna let them all hop into my bed for quality time is it?”

“Well you are close!” Giggling back, Tom playfully gasped before releasing his one arm from round your waist - both of you chuckling at the crumpled flowers. You stepped aside to let him in, in all the excitement forgetting you weren’t alone until you turned around and were met with four pairs of beady eyes staring at you. Because yes perhaps it had slipped your mind to mention to them you had a boyfriend of six months, especially forgetting to tell Josh - who you had a complicated history with to say the least.

Cursing under your breath, you watched Tom freeze up, clearly shocked by the fact you had company too. He hadn’t met many of your friends, purely because you and him were still on the downlown. Not that that particularly mattered with these 4, you were more than certain they would have no idea who he was - as Lix had said before ‘superhero movies are just stupid peoples version of research papers. Innovative and exciting, except papers don’t require the variables to beat each other up to keep their audience entertained.” 

So tom’s reputation wasn’t the issue in this situation…. Instead your ex boyfriend meeting his replacement. Josh could be cruel too when he was jealous, even if it had been a year and a half since you’d called your brief relationship quits, it was evident he still wasn’t completely over you either. The amount of drunken calls asking for a hookup was evidence of that. 

You’d been almost transparent with Tom, he knew this name ‘josh’ was your ex, he was aware you were still friends and hang out. He didn’t know about the 3am booty calls but that was just to protect everyone, no other hidden agenda. He’d always regret it in the morning and beg for your forgiveness so it appeared very much to be a subconscious thought only copious amounts of alcohol could release.

“Sorry I didn’t know you had-“

“No no” You interrupted Tom, grabbing the flowers and placing them on the counter, ontop of the pizza boxes, before reaching out and squeezing his hand reassuringly. “It’s okay, let me introduce you guys.”

Following that preceded an awkward taking turns of hand shakes and small talk, though you were acutely aware of Tom’s tightening grip round your waist when the blue eyes boy introduced himself as ‘Josh’ - and in fact every time he spoke thereafter. 

The small talk was nice enough, the group of you all resumed your positions on the floor with Tom now squiggled between you and you painfully awkward ex flatmate Will. In fact it was all going oh so well till Lix opened her big bloody mouth. 

“So Tom, what do you do?” 

He immediately tensed against your side, you saw his eyes widening with shock. Instantly reading him, you realised Tom was shocked by the fact they didnt know. 

And he was! He assumed they hadn’t mentioned it purely out of respect, not wanting to make the situation awkward. They were, as you’d summarised to Tom before, nerds. As you were - no nerd shaming here. But this type of people were normally primed marvel superfans, or at least had some sort of awareness- so he was surprised to say the least. 

“Oh uh I…. I’m an actor”

“Oh really?” Josh’s eyes widened and he smirked. You knew , you knew what was coming. “So you convinced Y/n that drama’s a good thing? She used to absolutely hate everything when we had to do it at college.”

“I hated drama classes, that doesn’t mean I hate the whole entertainment industry dickhead!” You tried to joke, tried to lighten the mood. 

“Uh well she’s supportive of my stuff and I’m supportive of hers it doesn’t mean I have to like neuroscience either.”

“Neurobiologist. You’re a neurobiologist right Y/n?” For fuck sake. Will had no intention behind it at all. He was just oblivious to people and was so upfront at times it was painful, even if underneath it all he was the sweetest person you’d ever met. Watching Tom out the corner of your eye swallow thickly as he tried to compose himself you quickly worked to diffuse the situation. 

“Yeh but it’s kind of the same thing isn’t it? I say either or a lot!” Josh took a swig of his half drunk beer before nodding at Tom.

“Acting though… it’s impressive. I definitely wouldn’t be able to persevere through all the rejection though, seems cut throat to try and make it in.” There Josh goes. Tom shifted, his hand dropping from you side and his eyes fixed on the beer bottle you’d given to him as he smirked. 

“Yeh well the rejections hard when I was younger but I get that less now. Now I get to reject the parts I don’t like which makes it all so worth it.”

Josh’s face morphed just slightly in pain, as the penny somewhat dropped. Apparently Tom wasn’t the aspiring actor working 3 jobs between failed audition as he had assumed. Just as you were getting bloody desperate, a literal light went off in your head, shooting your back straight as you rifled through the haphazardly spread papers in front of you -  the groups focus now away from the obvious tension between Tom and Josh. 

“Y/n what do you need?” Lix asked slowly realising you might’ve just found the answer and not wanting to disturb the thought process. After asking for a pen and triumphantly ‘ah’-ing when you found the right plan you looked up with glee evident in your eyes first to Lix, then Will, then Sophie, then Josh. 

“We’ve been missing the whole point the whole bloody time. Look!” You jabbed your pen at an intricate diagram “It’s so bulky because we’ve been going on this assumption we need a battery and recharging ports but if we take that component out-“

“Then you just need a transformer for there” Will joined in with a sparkle in his eyes, him being the first to click where you were going with this.

“Exactly! And then size is no longer an issue and by placing an external detachable unit-“

“Y/N YOU GENIUS” “fuck that’s good” Lix exclaimed an dsimultaneously Josh much more inwardly praised your ingenious. 

“We got it!” Laughing back, you encouraged all of them to join in with, noting down all the necessary inputs and outputs and components necessary to form a vague redesign. 

Though it felt no time at all, the 5 of you consumed in mumbling through thought processes and logic of trying to actualise your theory, in reality it was almost 45 minutes before Lix leaned back with a relieved sigh. Announcing that you’d saved the day, she called time on the night, relieved that she could sleep worry free that night. You made light work between all of you of clearing her stuff up and saying goodbye to all of them with brief hugs. In all honesty, you were so in the zone you’d completely forgotten about Tom, who you were only alerted to when Lix went over to the kitchen to say bye as well. He’d obviously been there for sometime, clearing up all the greasy plates and pizza boxes, the flowers now sat in a vase in their full glory - or at least what was left of them after the crush injury. 

This wave of insurmountable guilt washed over you, realising he’d come here after only spending a couple of hours with his family after a long haul flight home to fall asleep with you in his arms. Instead, he’d faced your rude ex, been ignored for the majority of the time he was here and he’d done the washing up. You fucked up. 

Choosing till you’d finally ushered Will and Josh out, promising Will you would go and see their new shared flat soon, you closed the door slowly - knowing this wasn’t going to be simple. 

You walked up and leant against the kitchen counter, watching him place the last two mugs in the top drawer of the dishwasher before pushing it closed and then closing the appliance door too. 

“Thankyou for doing all this. You really didn’t have to.” He didn’t make eye contact, moving about the kitchen to wash his hands in the sink opposite. “And I’m really sorry I-I was gonna usher them out but the I worked it out and kind of got overexcited.”

“Mhmm … for an hour?” It was a rhetorical question and although he said it very quietly you knew he was demanding an answer. 

“I know I know I’m a shitty girlfriend, I should’ve sent them away as soon as you got here. I am so so so sorry.” That statement was left in silence for a few, painful moments.

“I was the one who showed up here. Don’t worry about it.” It was muttered and god only know you were still very worried about it. 

“No Tom I was a dickhead you have a right to be ang-“

“It doesn’t matter!” If it didnt matter, why the hell was was he answering so grumpily.Turning back around to you with a sigh, he spoke with shoulders slumped. “Look… lets just go to sleep yeh? I’ve had a long ass day.

He wasn’t in the mood to talk, you weren’t about the force him too - so with a small nod you half heartedly agreed. You knew you would have to address it at some point, but apparently now wasn’t the right time. 

So without much more conversation the two of you got ready for bed, even if the atmosphere felt jilted and cold. It was rehearsed, this wasn’t not the first time he’d stayed over so like a rehearsed scene the two of you got ready and then wormed your way underneath the sheets. You waited for him to make the first move, which of course he did. Pulling you into his bare chest which you happily obliged to, your leg wrapping round his as you nuzzled into his chest. Both softly whispering ‘goodnight’ your eyes closed as you tried to sleep.

Except it didnt work and wasn’t going to. Mainly because Tom’s heartbeat was thundering right under your ear. So you were hardly surprised when he whispered in the quiet. 

“Do we work?”

“What?” You arched up, a hand on his chest as your head hovered over his - your eyes burning into his in the dim light of the street lights. He sighed heavily, shaking his head and trying to avoid your gaze.

“I just- we have so little in common” 

“That’s not true.”

“It is. I have no idea about even what you do! Seeing you with all of them tonight… you were enjoying talking about stuff I could never ever understand!”

“I don’t have a clue about scene direction or physical acting does that make you dislike me?”

“No course not!” He argued huffily, making you sit up in frustration and reach over to turn the bedside light on.

“Then will you please explain what is going on?”

“Just… just look I know intelligence is attractive and-and well you are and I’m not.” 

That physically hurt you hearing him be so self conscious in front of. Clearly, you had made him feel like pure shit this evening and that guilt would surely eat you up later - but right now the focus was purely on making him feel assured of his own mind-blowing talents. 

“Tom…it’s not intelligence that’s attractive! You know…” You sighed, how the hell were you going to explain to him how much you LOVED HIM.liked him, you hadn’t said that yet. “You know when you’re reading a script that’s good your mouth move along as if your living and breathing every single word. And you completely are oblivious to anything around Tom, I always thought if someone crashed into the house you wouldn’t notice cos your so into it. And then when your finally finished with it, no matter what time of the day or night, you’lll be like this excited puppy running in to tell me all about it. Or-or when you’ve visited a children’s hospital and you phone me bouncing off the walls, full of stories of how these kids inspire you….” Trailing off, you looked intently between both of his two brown eyes. “Thats passion right? And ambition?” He nodded minutely. “Thats what’s so bloody attractive. For all I care, you could be a supermarket shelf restocker if that’s what your passionate about and you would still be the most incredible person to me. I love your passion you idiot, I don’t care if you don’t know stupid facts about astrophysics or where in the brain control movement of your big toe! In your own way your so bloody clever and I love you because of you and your passion you idiot.” 

“Seriously?” You nodded profusely at his whisper, now cupping both hands round his cheeks. “You seriously think…. I’m like a puppy?”

There was your boyfriend again, grinning from ear to ear as you giggled at him.

“Yes you most definitely are.” He gasped in fake shock, before pulling you closer and pressing his lips against yours. Now straddled over his body with the duvet weighing down on your back as you tasted the minty toothpaste still fresh on his lips. After a short while you once again settled back down on his chest, feeling much more warm than mere moments ago, and confident that Tom was reassured and happy once again. 

The silence lasted long enough for you to be slowly drifting off before a deep rumble had you blinking your eyes open, eyelashes dragging against his shoulder as you tried to focus on his voice.

“By the way…” Tom dragged it out, making you hum in encouragement as you listened to his slightly hoarse and sleepy sounding voice “in your big soliloquy just then… you said you love me?” You froze, desperately trying to claw a good answer or cover up. Completely failing, you went for the next best and oddly relevant statement. 

“I don’t know what solliquarity means because its an actory word so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Solliliquy darling… but for the record, and I hope you understand this… I love you too.”

[ravenadottir]

how do you think the islanders high school prom nights went?

oh nooooo! don’t make me suffer thinking about proms!

ok, um, let’s see.

((edit: it became a bible, as per usual...))

bobby. i can imagine cupcake being nervous to ask a girl to go with him to prom, rehearsing his “promposal” several times in the mirror, and joking about something related to proms that would light up the mood. i picture him with a really cute and shy girl that had her eye on him during chemistry class. and yes, i think he used the chemistry hook to ask her to be his date. he probably did weird worm dances, got the stage for ‘paisley cuddle’ for a three songs, was elected ‘class clown’ and got a good night kiss in front of her house when dropping her off, afterwards.

carl. i don’t want to sound too mean, but if carl went to his prom, he didn’t go with someone. he was too awkward and didn’t pick up the courage to invite the girl of his dreams. he had the corsage bought, but deep down he knew he couldn’t ask her. i must add here, he had a close friend that ended up spending the party with him because they were that connected. carl didn’t have fun, didn’t find the meaning of friendship and danced with his friend. he was too worried about uni applications and his future, and couldn’t wait to run for the hills. his entire high school experience sucked, and his prom wasn’t different. maybe one liberating song that set him free was “gives you hell”, where he didn’t feel like holding back and really let all the weird alien moves out. after that, he left. for good. this is why i think when he tells the story to mc she’ll find a way to throw a prom just for him, with his friends from the villa, where he’ll be picked up in a limo and dance awkwardly, but freely, with true friends. 

chelsea. this girl had fun on her prom, had a really cute guy taking her, the most gorgeous corsage she put together herself and gave it to her date the day before, so he could bring it when picking her up. chelsea had a close group of friends in school and danced the night away. if i know my bra well i think she was in charge of the decor, and you can bet your ass she talked her way into making everything pink-toned. all the blush and millennial pink you can imagine, down to the punch and the tablecloths. she organized everything related to the decor while bonding with a different person in charge of the rest. i can only imagine she had tons of fun at the night of the prom, being taken there in a pink limo. if her date didn’t do it, she would do it for herself, don’t at me!

gary. gary went to this prom, but i don’t reckon he took a girl. at that point of his life he was still “villain” looking, like he said, and i don’t think he had enough confidence to ask someone to go with him. what i do believe is that dicky was there with him, with a six pack and a playlist on his car that would be “infinitely better than whatever those fucking nerds are playing in there, mate!”. they would go in but not stay too long. i don’t think gary was a class clown or a sportist, despite of him playing football early on. he must’ve left that aside while focusing on robotics, so he was pretty much invisible. at least i think he defined himself in those terms. but they would drive somewhere gary adores, like the mountain, to watch the shipyard, have the beers, the music from the car radio and just talk and make fun of the popular kids that listen to ed sheeran. they would stay up all night, making plans for the future, since gary has his forklift license and is more than ready to start working. “cheers, mate.” besides the usual arctic monkeys, i think the song that best illustrates his prom is “mr. brightside” by ‘the killers’. “you know you’re gonna have to come back later for the car right, rennell?” “yeah...” “i’ll come with, you pussy. no need to be so sad.” dicky completed, pouting and draping an arm on gary’s shoulder as they walked home, ties untied, jackets and shirts open.

henrik. this kid couldn’t wait to wear those suspenders, beige pants and white shirt. he definitely had matching boutonniere with the corsage he got for his date, and his hair down. because whenever he hits the dancefloor, he lets his locks down and everyone knows that means the party is about to start. it wasn’t difficult for him to invite the girl he likes and she didn’t even blink before saying ‘yes’. i think he drove there, his friends on the back, singing along to "heroes” a cover by ‘the wallflowers’. i see henrik laughing while spinning a girl in place, catching her, goofing around with his friends while having the time of their lives. he already knew what he wanted to be, and everything was planned out. he drove everyone home and had his first night out with the girl he took to the prom.

kassam. i think kassam did his best to follow the protocol and asked a girl to go with him, got her a cute corsage and planned out the limo bit with his close friends. but i think it truly hit him that everything was going down when he put his jacket on, at the store. he saw himself on the mirror and realized what prom was, to him. it wasn’t just a party he would probably get laid after. i think he partied extremely hard that night, took some stuff, lost control, danced like an absolute asshole and probably ruined the night for a couple of people. it wasn’t smooth or tranquil like he thought it could be, and i really think he regrets lots of things he did that night. except for one. he decided to be the life of the party in different ways.

lottie. her “year 12 formal” was probably the first time lottie had real fun in her high school experience. like priya said before, i think lottie had some control issues and that stops her from seeing the full picture. ending your school experience usually opens your eyes for bigger things, and that’s where i think she really enjoyed herself for a long time. of course she wore a black dress and black and white corsage, if any. probably the first time she dyed her hair, not only a couple of streaks. high heels and black lipstick but just as gorgeous as she is today. maybe not the same level of confidence as today, but she was on the right path, i’m guessing.

lucas. i wanted to say lucas was the prom king, but that didn’t happen. he definitely didn’t know what to do while having a girl linking arms with him. he always felt like an outcast because of his previous experiences in school. always moving away, never staying too long to truly bond with his peers. so prom wasn’t exactly a fun time for him. it was though, the moment he realized he could do anything he wanted, not only conform to what his dad expected from him. the moment he realized that was possible the punch tasted different, the music became more fun, the dance moves weren’t so rehearsed and awkward, and he could truly appreciate what that night represented. i do think lucas wasn’t as smooth as he is today, so you can expect very boring tuxedo+shoes+tie combo, and not a lot of jazz going on with his ride. the whole point of getting a limo is to share it with your friends, but if you’re there for only a few months, then i don’t think there’s a bond strong enough to make you sing along to songs while picking up a girl. truth is, school wasn’t the best time for lucas, and just like carl, i don’t believe his prom was either.

marisol. she had to conform to a dress even though she wanted to rock a suit. at that point marisol already knew damn well who she was, but she couldn’t come out yet. i don’t think she had a very open relationship with her parents, and had to hide it for a while. what i do think though is that she took a girl, and changed into a suit at the dance. her closest friends knew about it and supported her, helping her hide her secret until the time was right. but that didn’t happen that night. she gave her date her corsage, and danced the night away with all of them. i even think her first sexual experience with a girl happened that night. awkwardly but very fully loving experience.

noah. i really think noah had a long term girlfriend by the time he graduated from high school, and she was the lucky girl he took to prom as his date. he asked her in the most traditional way, getting to her by the lockers, after class, possibly proceeding to take her to the library, finding the aisle with his and hers favorite books, then asking her there. the whole shebang of corsage and tuxedo, but no fancy limo bit or big gestures. just what he could afford. his dad took them to the dance and they entered the room being greeted by his closest friends. i do think noah was somewhat popular among the boys, because of his swimming, and the girls because he was so sweet and caring, besides hot! definitely popular enough to get some votes for prom king, but not quite there. i also believe the night of the prom could’ve been the first time he had sex. i could be wrong, but in my head, teen noah would’ve waited for a night as such, knowing what it means to him and to his girlfriend. not a lot of dancing but a lot of talking and watching as his crazier friends would let go and pull off moves no one should.

priya. it wasn’t the most fun she had in her life, that’s for sure. she mentioned a couple of times about her life in school and how hard it was to fit in. i don’t think big things happened for her back then. she tried her best to conform and become friends with people but it wasn’t in her, and eventually, those friendships would crumble. she probably had a date, a boy who asked her, and a couple of close friends, but didn’t feel like that was the fantasy prom she pictured for herself. i can see her wearing something discreet, because the priya we know and love blossomed later in life. besides, it was 2007/2008. emo phases were ending, but the alternative hairstyles were still here. if she had one of those or not, it’s up for debate. but her family doesn’t seem the kind to forbid her from having a haircut of her choice, so… you know what that means for her fashion choices back then! she did have a good time after a while at the dance, but it took her too long to realize it only depended on her. i think she danced, but didn’t really let the beast out. “not the greatest party i’ve been to, and definitely not my hottest look. but i guess no one’s prom is perfect.”

[cloveroctobers]

ANNA-JULIA “AJ” (JONES) JARLETT

IG bio/info: @/annajj9x_ | 20.1k followers| Athlete | hey peeps can you stop asking me to throw it back cuz the answer will always be no! K thx take it easy 🏳️‍🌈🌻🏒🐶

21 years old

From bath, England

Hockey player as her profession for the past three years

Her position is defense

Their team name is “rowdy alphas”...yeah some team names just didn’t make sense or they’re cringe for no reason at all

Was raised by her mom,(her mom was a teen mom & had her at 17) maternal grandmother, and her paternal aunt (dad’s younger sister, who’s more like a big sister to her at 28)

They’ve made her into the person she is, literally

Her grandmother has a bed and breakfast that they all live in

the house is Victorian style—almost as if they walked right out of charmed! Instead of a big pink house, think yellow AND purple. It was hideous but homey and charming on the inside

growing up in a house with multiple temporary strangers wasn’t odd to aj at all, in fact it felt like the norm. There was always someone around to socialize with so that was quite nice

Her father was a pro baseball player & passed away due to a automobile accident

she has his smile & freckles

aj was also involved in the accident at the age of 6 & miraculously survived with intense injuries

Has scars as a reminder

used to have night terrors because of the accident...it took awhile—years!!! for them to subside

they’re all vague memories now (but the pain is something she’ll always remember) but she preferred it that way

she’s named “Anna” after her mother’s old best friend/roommate and was supposed to be aj’s god mother but she went missing during their uni years

the name“Julia” came from her paternal grandmother who she gets her wide doe eyes from

her athleticism definitely came from her dad

Her mother luckily liked to document things so there’s a bunch of home videos of her dad in them & pictures/scrapbooks that her mom has for safe keeping

She’s more of a klutz, tiny, and wears huge prescription glasses

extremely close to the three most important ladies in her life, so she’s always been able to be open with them about anything!

when she first expressed her interest in liking both genders around 17-18 her paternal aunt was all smirks, “i knew Britney Spears was so your type, yeah?”

more like shakira but Brit was just as pretty

her mother was a “cry baby” so ofc she burst out into tears squeezing aj’s limbs and peppering her face with kisses. She didn’t view her child as anything different... as she shouldn’t & was glad that her daughter trusted them with this significant moment in her life and wanted to be as supportive as she could

got books, watched Ted talks and everything but knew she could come to the source even tho aj was still figuring it out herself

her grandma dipped her head at the new info sitting at the round kitchen table, “been there. had a few broads in my life after and during my marriage with your no good grandad. Thank goodness the bastard died before you even got to meet ‘em.” “Mum!”

what felt like the biggest weight on her chest was lifted. She knew they’d understand but a part of her had a little bit of doubt, she’s heard so many horror stories where those like her didn’t have the support she has and that made her extremely sad to think about

i see her as a person that has/had many friends in secondary. She’s always open to chat and her being on a few sports teams helped her out in her case

very competitive in anything that she does & will guarantee that she’ll beat you. (“ You wanna race to the car from here?”wins. “Who ever cleans the most dishes the fastest gets the last slice of pie.”) majority of the time she’s right but if she loses?? oh don’t let her lose to you, it’s a pity party for the rest of the time ur in her space. Such a sore loser omg

stays active, always working out + has a gym membership and makes sure she goes at least five times a week

she’s very strong, loves leg day & working on her core

she’s about 5’10

loves wearing “gf jeans” since they’re super comfy but doesn’t mind skinny Jeans with rips in the knees every now and then

trainers and chucks are her go-to sneakers

has no issue shopping in the men’s section ‘cause who’s gonna stop her? Nobody that’s who

owner of over a 100 graphic tees + vertical stripped shirts are also her favs, SWEATPANTS/joggers?! How many does she have? A lot. Snapbacks? Plenty. Will she wear them backwards? Obviously.

Physical touch is her love language. She’s comes from a family that has no issue showing their affection by touch. There is NO such thing as personal space and that still stands with aj when it comes to relationships, she sees no other way

It’s what she shows and what she wants in return, if you’re not touching her in some sort of way, then automatically she thinks there’s something wrong or that she did something

Is the jealous type. It has shown in relationships and ruined a relationship or two

Has cheated on a significant other out of pure jealousy & is not proud to admit that

Does have a wandering eye but feels now that she truly understands herself when it comes to relationships, she’ll never act on it again

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I get libra tendencies from her so that’s what I’m sticking with. She likes to keep the peace (unless she’s jealous) , idealistic — always looking on the bright side of things, outgoing, romantic, and professional— especially when it comes to her team; her true leadership comes out, yet she can be indecisive, hates confrontation, self pitying — if things don’t go perfectly how she imagined/planned it to, the world is ending and everyone is out to get her, and can be unreliable—never on time

September libra to be exact

if she’s really in love/taken a interest in you then she gets nervous: blushing, sweaty palms, cracking her knuckles, tongue tied—the whole 9

she’s already defined as a puppy by her coach but when she’s in love? She’s a lovesick puppy!

her fav holiday is Valentine’s Day

thought she was going to be a pro skateboarder growing up but it took one bad fall where she thought she was paralyzed for her to choose something else

she likes her weed on occasion

Obsessed with all types of cheese except cottage, “can I put cheese on this?”

more of a jumpsuit kinda girl or dressy top with jeans & hoops on a night out

has a solid group of mates outside of the hockey team, they’ve all met and hung out a couple of times, as they should since aj feels they’re going to be stuck with her for awhile so why not?

They’re a riot when they all go out, let’s just say that there’s never a dull moment

fav color is periwinkle

enjoys ASMR, mostly in the mornings when she’s waking up. You know how people love podcasts? (Sorry seb & Nicky, she still wants to be on the show soon!) ASMR is her thing

loves tangerines, you can count on it that she’ll have one on her, “where did you pull that from?” “I’ll never share my master plan.” “You’re such a tit.”

Definitely prefers “fresh squeezed” orange juice & will make her own, she has the tools & the strength 😏

Very rare for her to get sick ;) & if she does she’s a complete baby about it

Will fight that she’s sick before she admits it, trying all sorts of horrid remedies & vitamins

loves summer & all things that come with it, the number one thing is leaving bath for however long she can for a new place to enjoy

when she arrived to love island, she was thrilled for the weather. Yes she was looking for love but most importantly a nice get away & that it was (depending on your route that is lol)

closest with seb, vieve, elladine, and tai but don’t tell the others that! (She doesn’t care if you tell Yasmin, honestly)

just because her & seb “dated” and it didn’t work out doesn’t mean they can’t be friends right? It was almost automatic for them to be platonic after it was determined there would be no romance between them, almost like sibs! like those celebs like to say—except this time these two won’t turn around and actually find romance

vieve came with seb so...but no shade aj did like vieve. She gave great advice (while seb sometimes didn’t say the right things unintentionally or what aj needed to hear) when needed, especially from a medical view and is very sweet

elladine was the one who had all the tea & ideas to match, she’s quite organized and always down for DIY’s and could suggest almost anything. If you needed someone to help you get things tidy or match/find your Aesthetic, she’s the friend you call to help

tai was the one she could be a “bro” with, sure elladine has her competive side (or controlling, depends on how you view it) but tai was the one you can run to for much needed “bro hugs”, partying, going to the pubs, playing sports with or against, checking out/flirting with babes, etc...

it was not long after the villa that aj had a revelation with her sexuality & fully owned and labeled herself as a lesbian

She was happy being in relationship with someone else or with herself, life was short and she was young so there wasn’t time to dwell and stress over things so what the hell?! Live your truth the best way you know how ya know?

probably smells like sweet citrus, almond flower, and sea salt

on chest days, she’s a sweets snacker. Loves gummy bears (also with vodka) , swedish fish, sour patch kids, etc...basically shit that sticks to ur teeth

put all her chips into hockey, while it was advised by her Counselors & mum not to do so, aj went about it anyway. She thought about the pros and cons but knew there was nothing else for her. So there were more pros than cons. She was meant to play sports, its what felt right in her soul

Made her feel connected to her father, when she’s on the field she feels that he is with her

 scrunches up her nose when she’s frustrated or confused about something

Doesn’t always grasp concepts right away, she’s a soft dummy but most of us are and that’s okay! We’re all smart in our own ways

Feels like sunflowers are always around her especially if she sees them wherever she is. They must symbolize SOMETHING, therefore she loves them

spf queen. All about it, get with it or let the sunrays ruin ur skin that’s on u

loves a good filet mignon medium-well & is probably the only good thing she knows how to make alongside a salad, baked potatoes, & her oj

sucker for romantic-comedies...it’s basically her life duh!

If she has a dog, it’s a Dalmatian or Great Dane. She needs a companion that’ll keep up with her

loves kissing, it’s her favorite form of intimacy

Quarantine life included the push up challenge for her. Gaining a few pounds in muscle and fat, bothering seb via ft, viewing old letters she wrote to her dad, spending time with her fav ladies since they were now restricted from having guests in their home, and letting boredom consume her + she hated the whole lockdown that came with it, she hated being indoors for long periods of time but she knew that’s what partly needed to be done

Posts a lot of beach, park, outings with her friends & team, moments with her fav ladies, workout videos, and guests at the b&b with their permission and if only she befriends them along the way. She’s just as active on the socials as she is in rl but she’s not obsessed with it, she knows how to live in the now. She’s all about balance!

I also feel like she never keeps her phone charged and it’s always dying on her! She had a car charger but...that’s a jungle. She needs to invest in a portable charger stat

crushing on/finds attractive: Jared Padalecki, Keanu Reeves, Barrett Doss, Camilla Luddington, Sandra Bullock, Adrian Kempe, Harry Kirton, Anya Taylor-Joy, Haley Lu Richardson, Naomi Osaka, Ming & Aoki Lee Simmons

who does she listen to? Shakira lol!! Bea Miller, Dua Lipa, Daya, XYLØ, Elley Duhé, Stela Cole, Aloe Blacc, Maroon 5, Lewis capaldi, Charlie Puth, girl in red, Hayley kiyoko, king princess, dodie, & tessa violet

Anthem: Icona Pop — we got the world

[aaronexplainsitall]

Hi Aaron! Daddy Issues Anon here! It's been a while! Just here with a quick life update: me and Chris are still going strong despite some stuck-in-small-flat arguments, I broke my leg back in January (slippery stairs; it sucked) but I'm back on my feet again now, and my sister cut off our parents over their treatment of me which still makes me tear up a bit; she's the best! Hope you're doing good too, mate! Cheers, DIA xx

DIA! I haven’t answered any anons in literally months, so me revisiting my inbox to chat to you in a testimony to how much I love hearing from you. 

I’m so glad to hear that you and Chris are still going so strong. Stuck-in-flat arguments are definitely to be expected right now, but being able to withstand them is a good sign about your relationship. And I bet it’ll be easier now that restrictions are loosening up! As always, I’m rooting so hard for you guys. I’m also so pleased to hear that you have such a wonderful, supportive sister, she sounds awesome. I’m sorry for both of you that this is what it came to, but I’m pleased that you’ve got her.  And sorry to hear about your leg! How long did they leave the cast on? 

I thought I’d use your ask (I hope you don’t mind) to post a bit of a life update myself since I’ve been so quiet the past few months. This isn’t just for you, but for the other people in my inbox who’ve asked how I’m doing. 

I’m actually great! Normally when I hide from my inbox it means my life is challenging, but it’s been really solid over the past few months. I had some difficult family news in the last week, which has rocked my sails a little (or whatever the expression is) but that aside, I’ve been doing really well. I’ve just got a new job at a much more exciting company, and the great thing is that the role is 4 days a week (but still pays as much as my current 5 day a week position) which will be amazing for uni - it gives me way more time to focus on uni work, which will be brilliant when I go back in September. Debbie (aka Tiffany for OG followers) and I are still watching an episode of Glee every night (we got to the end and immediately started again, I’ll be accepting no judgement, thank you) and I’m thinking about starting a podcast (who isn’t, right?) I also may be going on a date this week (I can’t figure out if the guy asked me on a date or as a friend so please respect my privacy during this difficult time). 

I will (I promise) get around to my inbox at some time soon. Love to you all, and special love to you DIA, as always x

[websfiles]

Summary:

 The first time we get to see Remus play and sing! The song lyrics are in Italics, I recommend listening along to the song while reading the lines, it really is so much more effective. :)

Song: Moral of the story by Ashe

Notes:

tw: Anxiety attacks, mentions of physical scarring, self esteem issues

Enjoy! Make sure to leave any comments and let me know if I've missed any triggers. <3

Chapter 2: Moral Of The Story.

Remus felt a lot of things in this current moment, tired, drained, both mentally and physically. But the biggest was relief. He watched as James shoved Remus’ bags into the boot of his car, with struggle, of course, but he got there eventually. James turned to him, a smile resting on his features, “Ready mate? Time to get you back home.” Remus flinched at the word home, he thought back to the flat he used to live in, feeling his chest clench. He could remember all the fights, the arguments. He could feel his breaths becoming shallower as he remembers the incident. He was so deep in worry and panic that he didn’t realise James infront of him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, eyes full of concern.

“Your real home, that place was not home. You’re going to come and stay with me and Lily, she’s already had your stuff moved into the guest bedroom, your bedroom.” Remus was stopped before he even had the chance to open his mouth to protest, “No Moons, you’re staying with us, I know you’re not okay, and it’s probably going to be a long time until you are. I can see right through you Remus. You’re not a chore, or a burden, we love you, you’re part of our family.” All Remus could do in that moment was envelope James in a tight hug. He was so thankful for him, everything he’s helped him through in these past 5 weeks. He was at the hospital everyday without fail, along with Sirius, who made sure Remus always had everything he needed, wether that be a cup of tea, bars of chocolate, or a comforting hand in his own. Peter was there at least 4 times a week, even though he had an extensive uni course, he always found time. Lily was always there, whenever he woke up in the morning, in the middle of the night, or even when he couldn't sleep. He owed his life to his friends.

The care ride to James and Lily’s apartment was short, but rough. It had been over a month since Remus had seen anything outside the walls of the hospital, but he was more than happy to get out. He breathed in the last of the summer air through the open car window, feeling the fresh air course through his veins. He misses the fresh air, the air he felt back in school with all his friends, running through fields. Or the air late at night that would soar through his hair on the motorbike, his arms wrapped round Sirius' waist. He misses how everything used to be.

James pulled up into the car park of his apartment complex, reversing into his usual spot. Remus grabbed his bags, wincing as he slugged them over his still fragile and frail shoulders. James raised an eyebrow at Remus, be he just waved him off.

Remus followed James up to his apartment, walking behind him as he opened the already unlocked door. As soon as Remus set foot in his apartment he could smell fresh cooking filling the air. James and Lily lived in a luxury apartment just outside of central London, James’ family was wealthy to say the least, his father owned a law firm which James himself worked at, hence the reason he was able to get so much time off while Remus was in the hospital. The apartment had a great big lounge with the comfiest L shaped sofa, a modern decorated home, but cozy, and felt lived in at the same time. The kitchen was large and had counters with marble countertops, and a massive island in the middle. It was a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment, so really had plenty of space for Remus, but he still felt as though he were intruding slightly.

James entered the kitchen and he was surprised to see more than one familiar face, “Hello, people that don’t live here, just, make yourself comfortable.” James raised an eyebrow at Sirius who was sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging his legs, sticking his tongue out at James, then to Peter who was sitting at the table, textbooks and papers surrounding him, not paying him a second notice. “Wormy’s a bit busy mate, stressing about his grades, what’s new.” James practically skipped over to Lily who was working at the stove, stirring away, pressing a gentle kiss to his fiance's cheek.

Remus’ felt his chest swell as he heard his voice, he left his bags by the door and followed the voices. He stopped at the doorway, leaning against the doorframe, watching his friends with a relaxed smile. This was his home.

Sirius turned his attention towards the doorway and made eye contact with Remus, immediately jumping off the countertop and leaped into his arms, “Moony! You’re home, finally out of that depressing shitehole.” Remus chuckled as Sirius flung his arms around his waist, Remus flinching in pain as Sirius made contact with his still tender abdomen. Sirius let go of Remus as soon as he realised what he had done, “Oh my god, did I hurt you? Are you okay? God, I’m sorry Remu-” Sirius’ sentence was cut short as Remus just pulled Sirius back in, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

“God, you are such a baby, honestly.” Remus laughed with a playful tone in his voice. Sirius just let his head fall against Remus’ shoulder. Remus towered over Sirius, the height difference honestly laughable at this point, but neither of them cared.

“If you two are finished melting into each other,” Lily said with a joking tone, eyeing them both with an amused expression, which made Remus feel a flush rise to his cheeks as he didn’t realise how long they were standing there for, “then I would love to get some real food flowing through your body, Remus Lupin.”

Remus chuckled as Lily pushed him down into a chair, a full breakfast plate placed down in front of him, “Yeah sure, thanks mum.” Remus joked, earning a playful swat to the arm from Lily, “You really think I wouldn’t notice you literally living off of chocolate for over a month?!” Remus looked at her with a guilty expression upon his features, feeling bad for making her worry, “Eat up, love.” She gave him a fond smile and kiss to his temple.

“It’s good to have you home mate.” Peter eventually looked up from his textbooks, patting Remus’ hand from across the table, his usual grin plastered on his face.

It’s good to be home, Remus thought to himself as he dug into his fresh eggs and bacon.

***

That night Sirius decided to stay over, since it was Remus’ first night out of the hospital, he knew what Remus’ anxiety was like. He tried to hide it from them, Sirius knew he did. He remembers all the attacks he had at school, during the night, waking up, shaking, not having any idea where he was. He remembers having to calm Remus down, scared that he was going to give himself a heart attack. He remembers all the nights spent in each other’s beds in their dorm, the way Sirius would wrap his arms around Remus’ waist to let them know he was there.

Sirius knew Remus like the back of his own hand. Every time he thought about what he must’ve gone through, for three years , with him. It made Sirius feel like he was going to chuck, he knew what it was like to be manipulated, used, thrown away, like he was some sort of toy.

Sirius settled himself into the spare room down the hall from Remus’ room, Sirius practically lived there anyway, he preferred being with people than being alone with his thoughts. Sirius chucked on a pair of James’ joggers along with his Queen band t-shirt he had been wearing that day. He slipped the hair tie off his wrist and put his hair up in a bun, some pieces of his hair flying away around his features. He lay down into the bed, staring into the ceiling, he wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep, not with the image of Remus in the hospital, on life support, not breathing by himself. Sirius thinks back to the first night he visited Remus, the night it happened. Remus didn’t get out of surgery until around 4am, but Sirius waited. When he had been allowed to see Remus, he remembers the pain of his heart clenching, the sight of his best friend lying unconscious, fresh scars covering every part of his body, endless tubes and equipment and needles doing everything they can to keep the man alive. Seeing his best friend on his deathbed. Sirius swore to himself that night he wouldn’t, ever , let anyone so as to lay a finger on his Moony.

***

Remus thought that his first night in a real bed after being stuck in literal hell for weeks, that he would get the best night's sleep from since he could remember. The reality was the complete opposite. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see his face, hear his voice, feel the shard tearing into his skin as if he were reliving the whole experience again.

He felt himself jolt upright, breathing heavy and panicked. He swung his legs round so his feet were on the floor and attempted to slow his breathing. He knew it wasn’t working as he could see his hands in his lap, shaking violently. He attempted to reach for the lavender oil sitting on his bedside table, slowly but surely uncapping the bottle and rubbing some of the scented oil onto his forearms. He focused on the scent, just like he had been told by his therapist. Lavender always seemed to soothe Remus, it made him feel relaxed, safe.

Once he was able to take in his surroundings again, he got up and made his way to the bathroom, trying his best to be quiet so not to wake anyone else in the apartment. Once he shut the door behind him and locked it. He turned on the cold tap and splashed his face with water, he looked up at himself in the mirror, immediately regretting his decision. He felt his stomach churn as he saw them, they were unavoidable, on every last part of his body. The scars. Remus could feel his breakfast from earlier making his way back up and before he knew it he was leaning over the toilet, throwing up everything but his vital organs.

It was the first time he had seen them, at least the ones on his face. He had been attempting to avoid all reflective surfaces, aware of how he looked. These scars practically defined him now, shows how weak he was, pathetic, useless.

To anyone else these accusations would seem irrational, but to Remus, they were the truth. These were the words he had been called for years, by the person who had given the scars to him. It was the truth to him, the words that have been ingrained into his mind. He could also feel the way his clothes that used to fit him perfectly, now hung loose around his features, he basically drowned in his own clothes.

Remus really didn’t like himself. He hated himself. He was disgusted by himself. It was his fault he was like this, he was deranged, never being able to take himself out of the abusive situation. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep tonight, but he couldn’t just stare into the ceiling and drive himself mad.

He picked himself up off the bathroom floor and walked back down the hall, past Sirius’ room and into his own. He had half a mind to knock on Sirius’ door and ask to spend the night with him. He always felt safe with Sirius’ arms wrapped around him, the way Sirius would rest his head in the crook of his neck, he would be able to feel Sirius’ breath against his ear, the thought making him shiver. But Remus was not what Sirius needed right now, he didn’t need to babysit him, is what Remus kept telling himself. But for Sirius it couldn’t be further from the truth.

As Remus entered his room, he looked towards the back, where his keyboard lay, looking out the window. He has been able to play since he was very young, he found the feeling of his fingers drifting over the keys soothing, and without fail, it would always make him feel calm, he would be able to feel all tension release from his body.

He sat himself down onto the stool he hadn’t sat on in weeks. He reached for his notebook full of his sheet music, and opened it up to a new page. Writing songs has always been an escape for Remus, it helped him as a young boy, when his mother passed, or when his father started to become distant towards him. He would just close his eyes, and let his fingers glide over the keys, not giving a second thought but just letting his hands guide him.

He would record all of his songs on his second hand, worn down macbook. He never found the courage to actually post anything as he hated listening back to himself, so the thought of other people listening made him cringe. But what Remus couldn’t see was that he was talented. Extremely fucking talented. Listening to him play would always be angelic, as he sang along with the notes from the keyboard effortlessly.

He pressed record on his mac, took a deep breath, and let it all slip out.

He started pressing down on the keys gently, doing whatever felt right, “So I never really knew you, God I really tried to,” Remus thought back to when he first met Fenrir, charming, but closed off, didn’t give any information about himself. Just wanted to know about Remus. It seemed sweet at the time, but now he could see the red flags.

“Blindsided, addicted. Thought we could really do this, but really I was foolish.” He remembers back to a time where he thought he loved Fenrir, he thought Fenrir loved him. But in reality he was just his toy, some fun to have at home, a personal punching bag.

“Hindsight it’s, obvious.” Remus could see them now, all the warning signs jumping out at him, telling him to get the fuck out of there, but he was oblivious.

“Talking with my lawyer she said, ‘Where’d you find this guy?’ I said ‘Young people fall in love, with the wrong people sometimes.’” Remus sees himself in the hospital, his first day breathing by himself, surrounded by nurses, police officers, and a lawyer that he certainly couldn’t pay for, but figured James had set him up with one of his. He knew the gesture was supposed to feel kind, but he felt like some sort of child, someone who always needed looking after. He remembers having to go through every little detail to her, the pain rippling through his chest as he fights back tears.

“Some mistakes get made, that’s alright, that’s okay,” Remus was trying to reassure himself, make himself believe that it wasn’t his fault, but no matter how much he said it, he never really will believe it.

“You can think that you’re in love, when you’re really just in pain.” Remus can see back to the first time Fenrir hit him, he was shocked, but felt like he deserved it, like he was being punished for a reason. The way his friends didn’t believe him when he said he had just ‘fell down the stairs’.

He let himself melt away into the keyboard, humming along with the tune, all the panic releasing out of his fingertips.

“It’s funny how a memory, turns into a bad dream” He can recall every single night spent in the hospital, all the times he would jump awake from seeing Fenrir in his dreams, in his nightmares.

“When running wild, turns volatile. Remember how we painted our house? Just like my grandparents did, so romantic but we fought the whole time.” When Remus was eventually pressured to move in with Fenrir, “Should have seen the signs, yeah”. He realises now that Fenrir didn’t have him move in because he cared, he had him move in so he could keep a close eye.

Remus let his fingers travel over the keys, stretching out the final notes. He could feel a drop of wetness fall to his hand, then onto the keys. His head fell into his hands, his shoulders shaking with quiet sobs, wanting to disappear from the world. That was until he felt a gentle hand to his shoulder, making him jump and slightly wince at the surprise contact. His head shot up out of his hands, his eyes making contact with another set, ones full of support, compassion, but the slight concern that still furrowed in his brow.

“Fuck, Pads, you scared me.” Remus let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, it was shaky, trembling. “I- I’m sorry, for waking you. I should’ve just went for a walk or something, fuck, what time is it?-” Remus’ rambling was cut off by Sirius pulling him up off the stool, clasping their hands together and leading him out of the room.

Sirius led them into the living room where there were two large mugs of lavender and camomile tea resting on the coffee table, blankets covering almost the entirety of the sofa, the lights were dim, most of the light coming from the large flat screen TV, open on Netflix. Sirius turned to look at him, bringing his hands to Remus’ still damp cheeks, “I know when you’re not okay Re, you didn’t wake me, and I could practically smell the lavender oil from my room.�� Remus was ready to shoot up his defences, but was stopped as Sirius started speaking again, “Your voice is still just like I remember it, beautiful. I know the signs Remus, you should’ve come to get me, I hate the thought of you having to go through another episode alone.” Sirius’ voice let out a small crack as he reached down for Remus’ hands, thumbs rubbing comforting circles on the back of them. “Promise me, Re, look at me,” Remus tore his attention away from their hands, and brought his eyes back up to stare into Sirius’ eyes, those silver eyes that when they crinkled along with his usual, shit-eating grin, sent shivers down Remus’ spine. “Promise me, that whenever you feel even the slightest bit panicked, you come straight in to see me?” Sirius’ voice leaked with concern, with worry, with hope. Remus gave him a small, apprehensive nod, but he felt his heart fill with pure fondness. He drew his attention back to the dimly lit room, Sirius had done all this for him, he could see right through Remus, could see when he was ready to break down, when he reached the climax of whatever book he was reading, when he felt like he didn’t deserve to be loved.

Remus felt his stomach tingle as he thought about it, Sirius really did care about him. He felt himself be pulled down onto the couch, swinging his feet up. Remus watched as Sirius flung his head on to Remus’ lap dramatically, “You can pick tonight, but we can’t watch The Office, Lily will break our femurs and ship us to Italy to be made into ravioli, Moons.” Remus let out a laugh, a real laugh, something he hasn’t been able to do in months. He took a long sip of his tea, while threading his fingers through Sirius’ hair, “I don’t mind Pads, put on whatever you feel like, having you here just now is good enough for me.” Sirius turned his attention towards Remus, shooting him a fond, gentle smirk, “Anything for you, anything at all Re.”

By the end of the night, all that could be seen in the lounge were two emotionally drained boys, sleeping peacefully in a heap on the couch surrounded by mounds of blanket, TV still quietly playing in the background. James reached for the TV remote to switch it off, trying his best not to disrupt his sleeping friends, until Sirius stirs a little, and looks up to meet his eyes. James raised an amused eyebrow at him, causing Sirius to just roll his eyes and lay his head back down onto Remus’ lap. James let out a quiet chuckle as he pressed a gentle kiss to both boys' temples, before making his way back to his room with a warm feeling resting in his chest. They had their Moony home, he was safe, and James was determined to make sure it stays that way.

[joolshallie]

Finding mental health support at uni

Being at university or college can put a huge amount of pressure on you to perform optimally academically. This can cause a lot of people (including me!) to overwork, and eventually burnout. Other pressures of living alone (e.g. paying fees and rent) can contribute too, inducing new or worsening pre-existing mental health problems.

It is so important to reach out and find support at uni, a time when a lot of people are away from their family support-network for the first time. I’ve collated some resources and tips of ways you can reach out to get the support you deserve!

Friends as a support-network

This sounds obvious but your friends can be such a brilliant support-network!

Some people tend to withdraw or become isolated if their mental health is taking a hit. I always find that being with friends cheers me up and distracts me from academic stress (or any kind of stress honestly). 

Reaching out to friends doesn’t have to mean having deep chats with them about your current mental state - it can just be reaching out to have that few hours of distraction, while watching a movie, or a big laugh and face-masks - social interaction could be all you need a that moment. 

Having said that, it is so so important to have friends you can sit down with at uni (and at home) and talk openly about your mental health and how you’re doing. The worst thing to do is suppress how you are feeling.

Friends can be really good at rationalising your thoughts, telling you when you need to reach out to a professional, or just listening to you if that’s what you need!

Personal tutor or member of university staff

I have a personal tutor and know of a lot of mates at other unis that have this kind of system. This is the person I would personally go with if I was feeling pressured or that my mental health was taking a hit. 

If they are pastoral staff they will often be more prepared to deal with students coming to them with mental health problems, so may be better able to signpost than a ‘regular’ member of staff.

If you don’t have a personal tutor or designated pastoral staff then just reach out to the lecturer/seminar-leader you know the best and would feel most comfortable talking to. When reaching out for support it’s all about you being comfortable with making that first step.

If you are struggling with an academic aspect of a particular module then it might be worth going to the head of that module and talking to them about it. They may be very understanding and offer extensions on deadline to remove some of the time pressure - or they may volunteer their time or some other resources to help you in that area.

University-linked services

Universities will have their own counselling services. Depending on your university and your particular situation the wait time for this can be quite a while, but it is definitely worth reaching out - the earlier you do so, the sooner you’ll be seen!

My university has a peer-support and welfare-rep system, where students go on training courses to be peer-supporters and are available to talk to you, and to sign-post you to resources that may help.

This can be a lot less daunting than reaching out to a professional or a member of staff. It is also a lot easier with students as you can just drop them a message on fb rather than finding them if that is less intimidating.

GP and the NHS

It may seem obvious but it can be hard to make time or think about going to the GP during a busy term at uni, but it’s important to make sure you get registered with a surgery so you can go to them if something happens!

Waiting times for adult mental health services are long but they are free which is something we cannot take for granted! Going to your GP and asking for a referral to a specialist team may be a really good move.

Talking therapies and counselling are really helpful for some, but other people may need or respond better with medication. GPs are the only way to go if you think prescribed medication may benefit you (or has in the past).

Online resources and helplines

There are a huge number of online services and helplines (often anonymous) that provide support (short or long-term). This is a list of some although it’s definitely not exhaustive! If you know more then please let me know/add to this (esp. if you’re outside the UK)

Helplines partnership provides a directory of helplines (organised in different categories) 

The Samaritans provide a 24/7 helpline if you call: 116 123, website here

Nightline Association is a student-run service for students. Their volunteers contact people via text, calls, emails or in-person, website here

MIND are a great charity offering advice and support to those with mental health issues. There may be a local service near you, or call 0300 123 3393 (9am-6pm, Mon-Fri), website here

SANE is a mental illness and emotional wellbeing charity. Call their SANEline: 0300 304 7000 (4:30-10:30pm, everyday)

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably): specifically aimed at men, call: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight, everyday), website here for their web-chat (7hrs/day, everyday, UK only)

Men’s health forum provides advice to men 24/7 through email, text or online web-chat, website here

HOPEline is run by PAPYRUS which is a charity aiming to prevent young suicide. Call 0800 068 4141 (10am-5pm & 7-10pm Mon-Fri; 2pm-5pm Sat-Sun), website here

The NHS has a list of mental health apps it recommends here

UMHAN (University Mental Health Advisers Network) is a national UK charity. There is a section on seeking support as well as options to get involved with fundraising.

BetterHelp is the largest global online counselling service. You answer some questions and it pairs you with a counsellor it thinks is appropriate. This is not free and so equates to getting a private counsellor here in the UK; you can contact them via video-chat, online messages or calls.

I hope this helps some of you reach out and find some more support if you need it! Remember that your mental health and wellbeing comes before academics or anything else!

[ourheroictommo]

Louis talking about Eleanor through the years - a masterpost

2012

“ How did you and Eleanor meet?

Eleanor was a friend of Harry's. He worked with her friend at a local bakery. One day, Harry met up with his friend, Eleanor came, and we met.

 -What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for a girl?

I can’t really cook, but the first dish I ever made was for my girlfriend, Eleanor. I made chicken breast wrapped in ham, homemade mashed potatoes, and gravy.” x

"I'm a one-woman man with Eleanor. I can be a romantic — but not too sickly.

Aside from the fact that she's hot, she had everything that I was looking for. She's funny, loud and confident. I'm not the type of guy who enjoys being single. I'm happy with the way things are with Eleanor. I told her I loved her after five months. I didn't just want up one day and think I was in love — I knew it in my heart." x

"It's a little daunting. At the end of the day if you want it to work, it will work. It just requires probably more effort. If your heart's in it, then you're not gonna mess about.

[The hate towards her] is really strange and the majority (of fans) don't have hate towards her.  It gets a little frustrating seeing that, especially when I'm in a happy relationship. But at the end of the day, I am happy and Eleanor is happy, so there's not really that much more that matters. x

“-You've been with your girlfriend Eleanor for a year. What do you love about her?

She studies politics at university and when she sits and talks about that, I find it really attractive. I think it's important for both of you to have independence. I feel like if she didn't have that and wasn't striving for a good career, it'd be weird.

-Do you worry about her meeting other men at uni?

She's gorgeous, but no, I don't. We both trust each other— I spend a lot of time out of the country on tour. She often flies out so I see her a lot. I think the key to a good relationship is being best friends too. I spend more time with her and the band than I do with anyone else... She's really great.” x

"Eleanor's really down to earth. She makes me fish finger sandwiches and it's great to do something normal after the madness of the tour. All my mates are at university, and it's a life I haven't had a chance to enjoy, so it's great to turn up and sample a bit of it." x

″I think it was probably tough at first for her, taking up such a big commitment, being in a limelight. But she handles it great and we’re really really happy together" x

“-How are things with you and your girlfriend Eleanor?

Without sounding too soppy, I'm incredibly happy. The great thing about our relationship is I was already in the band when we started seeing each other. It makes things easier, because she knows the way it is. She's great with it. She's really easy-going with that sort of thing, which is so important.

-Are you a romantic?

Definitely, yeah.

-Is marriage on the cards for you two one day?

Who knows. It's still early days, but as I say I'm very, very happy.

-Does it annoy you that some so-called fans think you and Eleanor aren't real?

Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious when you see us together that we're real. Think of the amount of time I spend with her - it's crazy I even have to say it's genuine. But the truth is, these people aren't our real fans, that's the way I look at it anyway. So many people come to singings with presents for Eleanor, but you got this small number who want to say bad things.”x/x

“I’m sure if you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know that every now and again I’m quite outspoken. I think it’s important to speak your mind, and I’ve had a few rants recently. You know, people who have been horrible to my girlfriend Eleanor and to my mum, and I just don’t think people should be able to get away with it. I don’t go to bed and worry about it, I just think that people if they want to be like that, should be put in their place.” x

“-Describe your perfect day.

I’d like to go back home and do the kind of things I used to do before the band. I’d go and have a kick around with my friend Stan and my other friends from school. I’d spend some time with my family and have dinner at my grandma’s house and then have the evening to chill out with my girlfriend.

-What’s your favourite way to relax away from all the stress?

I like having a bath, then lying in bed watching a good film. If I’m watching a film with my girlfriend I don’t mind a rom-com, but when I’m on my own I like action movies that keep you on edge.

-What qualities are most important in a potential girlfriend?

Someone who doesn’t take life too seriously and likes to take a risk. I like to do things on the spur of the moment. I decided to go to Ibiza for one night recently so I jumped on the plane and my girlfriend came with me. I love that ‘lets just do it’ attitude. It’s also important that someone totally trusts you and is your friend above anything else. They’ve also got to have a good sense of humour because the only way I can pull girls is by making them laugh”

The most romantic thing Louis has ever done is buy his girlfriend a ticket to LA because she was missing him x

" @niallspudding: @Louis_Tomlinson do you know you’re very lucky to have eleonor? xx

@Louis_Tomlinson: @niallspudding I think it everyday :) x “

2013

“It’s so great, couldn’t be better. I sometimes worry that she might want to go and find a boyfriend who’s there every day. Obviously, it’s not easy having a long-term relationship in this job, but it frustrates me when people say it’s impossible. It’s definitely doable, it’s down to the people and whether they want to make it work enough. 

-Do you go to extreme lengths, flying across the continents to see each other even for a short time?

Absolutely. Whenever there’s a gap in the schedule, that’s always my first thought. Not many days have to go by before I really start missing her, so sometimes - even if it’s just the odd day - I’ve flown back from the show, had a day in London and then flown back again. 

-That’s a commitment!

Yes, but it keeps you sane. It’s important to have that one person I can confide in and be close to. We trust each other completely and the relationship wouldn’t work if we didn’t. We’re really loved up" x

”Things really bother me when they upset my family or Eleanor. I think I’m quite thick-skinned but if you’re going to do or say that, f*** you. She gets pretty intimidated by it all. I mean, who wouldn’t? She can’t have Twitter or anything like that. I can’t expect her to deal with some of the stuff so easily. But I couldn’t be happier with her.” x

"Every night before go sleep I always talk to my girlfriend, Eleanor." x

"-For your girlfriend specifically, how does she handle your die heart One Direction fans when they see her, when they tweet her, in concerts? 

Yeah, it’s tough to deal with but she’s a great girl and she gets it” x

“-How do you keep your feet on the ground, amid all the success and fame you have?

I try and see my girlfriend as much as possible. She’s at Manchester University so I like going down there, to her student digs, because it’s really nice way to get away from all the craziness of being in One Direction. 

-Do you think it’s even more important to make sure you see her and your family when you’re living this crazy, pop-star life?

Yeah, I think it’s so important to keep in touch with the people who matter to you. I can’t bear to be away from Eleanor, my mum or my sisters for too long. If I had a normal job, I’d see them all the time but I don’t see them that often so when I get the chance to I’ve got to make sure I do.

-Is jealousy ever an issue, especially when you have hordes of girls throwing themselves at you?

It can be, and that’s why I’ve always been so vocal about my relationship with Eleanor because obviously there are opportunities of being in a boy band - if you wanted lots of girlfriends. But I don’t, so that doesn’t bother me because I’m very, very happy with Eleanor.” x

“Louis Tomlinson, 21, one of the three members of the band in a serious relationship, nods when I ask what his dream is.

‘Absolutely honestly? It’s sitting in my garden at home with my girlfriend on a lovely quiet morning, having a cup of tea.’” x

2014

“It was an incredible trip. As soon as we back I said to my girlfriend, ‘I’ve got to take you out there one day because I think it would be such a great experience.’ For anyone, in fact. I was genuinely sad when we left because those people were so cool. They totally blew me away, and their attitude in the face of such poverty was pretty incredible. They have this real sense of community, which, in a way, is all they’ve got”. (About his experience on his trip to Ghana for Comic Relief).

“Away from football I also went on a songwriting trip to LA with Liam, and spent some time with my girlfriend and our dog. Just doing really nice, normal stuff”.  (About what he did during his time off).

“The movie premiere was a real laugh too! That was a big deal, and the huge crowd at Leicester Square was amazing. I remember saying to Niall, 'Mate this is just the best, can you believe how far this band has come, this is Leicester Square!’ It was a very proud day for us - all our families came, my mum, my little sisters, and my girlfriend”.  (About the This Is Us movie premiere in Leicester Square). x

“I know she loves me. When you’ve met your life partner, you always know, and Eleanor is mine.” x

2015

“-What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?

So once with one of my ex girlfriends I made my back garden into a winter wonderland for Christmas, with like fake snow and stuff.” x

2017

“That’s my girlfriend!!!” - Louis after saving Eleanor from being attacked at the airport.

“Thank you for always supporting Eleanor . She's fucking amazing isn't she !!” - Louis’ message to twitter fan account of Eleanor

“I know me mum wouldn’t want me to walk around being gloomy all the time, so I try my best just to pick myself up when I can. Of course, there are times . . . and that’s why Eleanor has been so fantastic for me.” x

“Who was the last person you texted?

Probably my girlfriend Eleanor” x

“There's a couple of songs that me and my girlfriend really like that'll never be used for anything, so they're kind of just for us. That's really nice.

-Are they ones you've written for her?

A lot of the album's about her, really. I wanted to make the album feel chronological, because that's how I wrote it. You can hear my journey as an individual over these three years - leaving the band, then going out on to the really crazy party scene, and then I've kind of ended up full circle back with Eleanor, who I love dearly.” x

“I spent, you know, 18 months… 2 years of my life just kind of really different to the past - just went out all the time, parting, drinking all the time, whatever.  And then I kinda realized that I was a bit of an idiot during those times, and I found my way back to my girlfriend.” x

"I want the album to feel chronological essentially, so, like, this album’s pretty much about the last three years of my life. You know, the break of the band, and then me going into that party mode all the time, which wasn’t really me, and then, like, you know, kind of understanding that, and getting back together with Eleanor.” x

"I think once you hear the stuff on the rest of the album, you’ll know which songs are about the fans, you’ll know which songs are about me girlfriend." - Louis on whether someone could walk up to him and tell him his songs are about them 

“-You said you’ve written a song about your fans. Can you tell us anything more about that one? It’s kinda collective. It’s kinda like me and everyone in this song that kinda says: ‘we’ve done this together’. So you know you can kinda lay that back to my girlfriend, to the fans, to my friends. It’s kinda just everyone who’s helped me along the journey, really." x

"[Back To You] is not written from personal experience. ‘Cause ironically I’m back together with my ex-girlfriend now, and I’m very happy” x

“The song (BTY) is about… they might not be great for each other but for whatever reason through whatever hardships they just keep coming back to each other.

-And you’re not one of them? Are you telling us that?

I’m definitely not one of them. I’ve got an unbelievable girlfriend that I’m not pissed off that I've come back to” x”

“I would never describe Eleanor as that person in that relationship. That relationship (in BTY) is very intense. Maybe they’re not right for each other, maybe they are... And that’s certainly not the case for me and Eleanor. I mean, she’s ace! I could see where you’ve drawn the similarity but that’s where it ends. I’m sure you’ll see when the album comes, there’s a bit of soppiness to follow. ” x

“There’s the song that’s probably my favourite I’ve ever written, that’s very personal to me, called “Always You” that I’ve got on the album. -What’s it about? It’s about Eleanor, my girlfriend." x

"There’s another song on the album called Always You and it’s kind of about my story of travelling the world and just being a f*****g idiot and going, ‘Of course it was always you’. Here’s the thing, when you listen to my album, you won’t have to read between the lines. You’ll know what’s about Eleanor, you’ll know what’s about me, you’ll know what’s about the fans, you know it might hint a little bit about the relationship with my mum. I want to make everything as honest and obvious as possible” x

"-Whose opinion do you rely on the most after you’ve completed the track? Who do you wanna play it first? Who I rely on it’s a difficult question but I always, always make a habit of playing my music to my girlfriend, to my best friend Oli, to my friends like lets say for a lads trip and I say like ‘guys, what you think of this’ coz it’s very important to me” x

"I just took my girlfriend for her birthday to Amsterdam and it was absolutely lovely! 

 -Do you make holiday friends?

Honestly, I’m not.. my girlfriend’s really good at that… ” x

“-Can you tell me what your view is on these people who are obsessed by a “Larry” conspiracy?

I’ve never actually been asked about it directly. It’s a funny thing. People can believe what they want to believe. It comes across as a little bit disrespectful to the ones that I love, like Eleanor. It’s like anything, if you google a conspiracy on iphones, you’re gonna get a conspiracy. It’s one of those things people love to buy into, but in reality, obviously there’s no truth to it, obviously. x

“Last person you texted?

Eleanor, my girlfriend” x

"There was definitely a time when I probably had some of the smelliest feet in the country coz I didn’t wear socks… It was one of those things like early days of going out with me girlfriend - you know what I mean - going around to her mum’s house. They’re very nice family, posh family, and I was thinking: “I’ve got to take my shoes off, really, but my feet… ” It was really difficult but luckily now as you can see I’m a big sock wearer! The feet are safe!!!

This is the inner Doncaster/Yorkshireman in me - I went through a stage of - and I mean this in the least yobbie way - borrowing, taking, stealing, whatever you want to call it different things, random things from places. There was also this hotel we stayed in in Sweden, where there’s like - it’s not real, but it looks like this stuffed goose. Took that, that’s in me girlfriend’s mum’s house now." x

"-What was the last text that you’ve send? That’s gonna get me in some trouble… Let’s have a look… It’s to me girlfriend saying: ‘Haha’. That’s a bit boring and trivial, isn’t it? There you go.” x

"I wrote this song (Miss You) about a time in my life when I was going out partying every night. In hindsight throughout that time I was pretty numb and just going through the motions. Deep down it was always in the back of my mind that what I really missed was the girl that I loved." x

“It does really upset me to see all this shit about Eleanor. She has been my rock throughout an impossible time !!” x

2018

“He [Louis] also dated actress Danielle Campbell before getting back with Eleanor, who he says he would happily bring on to the panel now Robbie and Ayda have led the way” - x

2019

"There have been times where me and my girlfriend listened to the [1D] albums. Those moments are special and each song takes you back to a certain place. I couldn’t be prouder” x

" -First person you talked to today? Well it’ll probably be me girlfriend Eleanor.

I’m lucky to have really really good people around me. My family are amazing, I got great friends, me girlfriend’s amazing, my boy’s amazing, so I ’ve got so many people around me to make me constantly feel good and responsible. That keeps me going, definitely.

-You did get back with your girlfriend Eleanor quite soon after your mum died. And I wonder if she was an important part of you being able to have a little bit of solidity in a difficult time?

Yes, she was and has continued to be absolutely vital to me. We got to see me mum as well together before she passed. It was really special, really special. Yeah, I love her to bits, man!!! When you’re going through the most devastating time, you need people around you that you love and that hopefully love you, you know what I mean. It’s a nice feeling, man, to find her again, so to speak.

-I read something the other day about couples that break up for a period and come back together are often the strongest. So, Louis, do you think she’s the one, someone who you’d like to marry, who you’d like to settle down with?

I do think she’s the one, yeah, I do, I do, yeah.  She’s amazing for me. And also I think, when you go through quite a hard time together, that gives you a different level of a relationship. It’s deeper than it was before. So I’m very lucky, man, very lucky. She’s a top girl.” x

“-What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done?

I’m actually quite romantic, you know? I am, I am. When I first met me girlfriend - I’m a horrific cook, a very very bad cook. I give it a go, you know what I mean, I try. So I said to her: I’ll make you a nice meal. I made her a meal, and honestly... She did all the polite things and said it was lovely. I obviously tasted it too - it was awful, it was awful! Really poor! It was like some chicken wrapped in some like parma ham stuffed with a little bit of mozzarella - very ambitious for the level of cook I am.” x

“Tomlinson recalls how once, for his long-time girlfriend Eleanor Calder’s Christmas present (they broke up in 2015, but reunited in 2017), “I made this winter wonderland in my garden in London, with fake snow and a massive ice rink... I was like, ‘Surprise!’ as if I’d win best boyfriend of the year. In hindsight it was stupid, but fun at the same time”. x

“The singer says new tune We Made It is also partly about the times he slinked off to girlfriend Eleanor Calder’s digs, despite being a global superstar.

‘The lyrics are about a time when I was visiting my girlfriend Eleanor at university in Manchester, drawing on that experience of being on the road in a world tour then going to my girlfriend’s halls and living that life with her,’ he said.

Louis briefly broke-up with Eleanor, 27, but they are back together and she remains his biggest cheerleader.

‘She is dead proud of me,’ he said.’ x

"Oh absolutely, definitely! Me best mate and me girlfriend - they are the two people who always hear the songs first, I always get their opinion on. I mean, naturally, when the topic of lyric is about Eleanor - you know what I mean, I’m hoping she likes it. And she does, yeah, yeah!”  - Louis on whether he’s asked Eleanor’s opinion on We Made It before anyone else 

2020

About his song ‘Walls’ -  “ Walls is more specific. It’s about coming home having been on tour, soon after we’d split. I found some of my girlfriend’s clothes in the cupboard and it hit me what I’d done.” x

“Louis new single, Walls, recounts his experiences of love and loss. It is a clearly autobiographical reflection on his life over the last decade, which has seen him fall in love with his childhood sweetheart, Eleanor Calder, before splitting in 2015, and reconciling two years ago. In the years in between he fathered his first child, a son, with a US stylist but the pair soon separated and his romance with model Eleanor is now so strong marriage rumours have begun to swirl, although he’s quick to insist they are premature. 

He explains: “Yeh I saw some of that. It isn’t true, but the luxury with Eleanor is I’ve known her since before our first single What Makes You Beautiful, so she’s felt the whole growth of everything. As I’ve got to understand it, she has too, and I have the benefit with her that we’ve seen it for what it is.

So is marriage a possibility? He adds: “One day, yeah, I’d imagine so. If you’re asking me if I’m going to marry her? Yes, I think so! And more kids, I’d say so.” x

“She’s been amazing. With any monumental time in your life you need people who understand and love you. She makes my life easier.”

In 2015 they split up for nearly two years during which time Louis became a dad to Freddie, now four, following a brief fling with LA stylist Briana Jungwirth.

The track Too Young is almost an apology to Eleanor for that period (“I’m sorry I hurt you, darling… I cut you off cos I didn’t know no better”), but Louis says the time apart taught him some tough lessons and has made them stronger.

“I think we both agree that we needed [that break]. I was too immature for a relationship of that seriousness. But I had to learn that and be an idiot first.

“A lot of young men won’t understand until they have hindsight. The responsibility of meeting someone you could spend the rest of your life with at 18 is too much for most immature men. I was very immature at that → age and didn’t understand the feelings or importance.”

He and Eleanor guard their privacy ferociously and very deliberately haven’t made themselves a public couple. They don’t go to places where they’ll get papped or post pictures of each other on social media.

“Me and Eleanor have been together ages and I don’t have a lot of private photos for myself,” he says. “Even on a night out there’ll be some f**ker taking my picture and it goes everywhere.

"So those moments to ourselves are special. “ x

[voidvoyeur]

ok lads i’m be real for  a sec

ordinarily i wouldn’t feel the need to post this kind of thing online bc i usually rely on a support system in real life but idk ... i just wanted to and it gets to a relevant point irt experience on here and how you guys are Really Cool Okay i promise

the start of this year has been like Fucking Shit for me personally. if you don’t want to read the reasons why bc they deal with animal death and family loss then that’s cool like just scroll to the next paragraph. but basically at the end of january my family’s black labrador of fifteen years passed away which i was absolutely devastated by and i had the support i needed at the time, however on the 2nd of this month, my grandad also passed away and i just WAS NOT able to work through the grief properly bc of university work and pressure to meet deadlines, it wasn’t until the funeral & wake yesterday (which was actually rly nice) that i felt guilt-free of not doing work buuut bc of this prior mental compartmentalisation i was going thru to get work done,, i p much just emotionally crashed at a friend’s bday party in the evening i rly wanted to go to (luckily i didn’t ruin it and had friends who supported me throughout and we all wanted to leave early anyway but breaking down was the one thing i didn’t want to do) and like YEAH U GET IT

so with those losses, i want to be there for my fam as much as possible, and my family environment is the healthiest in terms of support i need, but i can’t mourn with them nor support them fully because this university year is my last. technically no one is allowed to request extended deadlines (more time to get final assignments done) bc then they can’t graduate this year -- if you get the extended deadlines you have no choice but to go to the graduation ceremony next year which would fuck me up a lot bc i want to be there with the friends who have been with me in my classes and who i’ve made warm 90s music video montage memories with from year 1

on top of that, i’m moving house and have to be packed and ready by saturday. this would usually be rly exciting if not for everything in my life being so AAAAA already and so any excitement is overridden by stress. left, right and centre i have people asking me what i want to  do after i graduate, what job i want, how i’m going to get it etc. and in any other context that isn’t my family asking it, i get hypersensitive and encouragement just translates as expectation and bc i have no answer (bc am literally just tryna get thru what’s happening NOW thanks mate) it immediately feels like i’m failing expectation so i just shut down. with everything going on i’ve just had to accept i may not get my ideal grade that i originally aimed for and lecturers said i could get, but that’s just how life works -- your priorities change and only now, after being able to process everything emotionally, have i been able to get the necessary motivation to even do the uni work i need to, as well as figuring out what i can get done and when. it’s just REALLY SHIT timing that all of this is happening at once, like you’re being kicked repeatedly while already on the floor

venting over now but my whole point with this post is that being on here has been the least stressful place for me. like i know everyone has their own issues but the fact that everyone is on here just kind of enjoying they’re thing and you’re being you on the dash is ideal respite from the amount of shit i’m trying to carry in me life. as well as this, the people i’ve spoken to, even if only briefly through IM, have been hugely helpful and has honestly meant a lot to me. talking with you guys is SO easy and fun and it means a profound amount to me that you’re taking the time out of your day to just have a laff or plot or make a starter & reply to a thread. you’ve all been such a positive influence and mood booster at times when i rly needed it.. like not once have i gotten into a rly bad depressive funk where i’m like THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST ME !! bc it just doesn’t feel that way w ppl on here being so kind and punk

bc of this, i just want to clarify as well that  if we DO talk and i’m suddenly absent for a couple days, and if it seems like i’m relying on you to write the starters, you’re mainly initiating conversation, i’m not sending memes (tbh i rly encourage ppl to send link to memes they’ve reblogged so i don’t miss them) etc. it’s not me being uninterested AT ALL nor am i putting on a front abt being excited for threads n stuff, it’s literally that w/ the amount of stuff going on sometimes i need to be away from my laptop, and rn it’s a lot  easier to have the energy to chat w/ someone for a bit or reply to an ooc post than to try and find the time and energy to write something Properly.

but yeah the tl;dr is life is the most stressful it’s ever been for me atm but you all have been proper quality, incredibly supportive altho u may be oblivious to how exactly and if i could i give u all a teletubbie hug i so would.. or at least have michael farm dbd points with u all and moonwalk across ur screens ..... @bhvr just let me party on a map with all my friends and mutuals pls. but for now all i can offer is pumpkin ferret ..... 

peace & love always !! ✌🧡

[broke-bitch-diaries-blog]

Dealing with it all

Being away from home isn’t always exciting and pretty. In my last blog post, I mentioned my constantly spiralling mental health and the inevitability of stress due to the whole university experience. It’s definitely not easy. Before I left home, before I even booked my flight, I saw going away as a big step towards my dream. I never thought that that big step would feel more like a drive through a bumpy road in an old model of Lada. Normally, people explain experiences like these as a rollercoaster, but I can’t really see it that way -I’ve never even been near a rollercoaster. So, I chose an analogy that would feel closer to home. Plus, I feel as though it represents the rough side of it all way better.

Tonight is one of the many nights that I can’t sleep. I tried for hours by now, but my body and mind are refusing to let me close my eyes. I’ve got thoughts racing in my head, memories -good and bad -replaying over and over again. I feel exhausted. Not because of a busy schedule or a rough day in uni. I’m knackered because of me: my thoughts, my state of being... I’m so tired, but I can’t stay put, can’t contain all of the thoughts going through my mind. What better way to deal with it than vent to my blog, right? As of now, it is a quarter after two in the morning. I just chain-smoked three cigarettes outside and am now laying in my bed with my favourite composer softly playing in the background. It’s late -I can’t just put the volume up and submerge myself in the music. In all honesty, I don’t even know what to write, so, to anyone that might read this -sorry for the word-vomit that this post is becoming. Then again, one of the reasons I created this blog is to have an outlet for all that is inside my messed up head as I make my way through university. 

Lately, I’ve been feeling unwelcome here. Not for any particular reason. I’m surrounded by amazing, supportive people, I’m sitting in class learning about something I love. And yet, there’s a voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am out of place here. I don’t know if it’s the homesickness or just my never-resting anxiety, but it’s just there. Sure, when I’m around people I try to be myself (well, a version of me that I’ve chosen to show whilst I’m here), but, as soon as I close my bedroom door, hang my coat up and kick my boots off, I’m sat in my own self-pity. Pathetic, I know. Especially when I know that there are people -both here and back home -that I could call and talk to. But would that make everything easier? Doubt it. I grew up in a home where being over-emotional was frowned upon. I could count on fingers how many times I’ve seen my mum cry. Being strong is something my family prides itself on. So do I. Therefore, I choose to deal with my issues in silence. It’s not too healthy, but it’s the best I can do. I hate talking about my feelings. Mostly because once I start -everything comes out: every minuscule inconvenience that I’ve faced through the week, the dark thoughts that I like kept hidden, my fears and paranoid theories about everyone secretly hating me. What follows, of course, is a waterfall of tears. Been there, done that, hated it -crying in front of people is not really my thing. It’s not really me. Anyway, as I mentioned, I feel unwelcome. I feel like a plus-one that was brought to a party of unfamiliar people. I always hated the idea of being lonely in a crowd, but, recently, I’ve been feeling as though it’s more than an idea. I keep catching myself looking through old pictures and videos of my friends and family back home, remembering all the gigs and gallery exhibitions I went to, reminiscing of such seemingly unimportant things as playing a game of cards with my mates or singing loudly during a walk in the forests. I miss the sea and the docks, I miss my crime-ridden neighbourhood and the loud streets of the city centre, I miss my feet getting caught in the rocks of the antique germanic streets of the so-called old-town. Mostly, I miss knowing that whatever happens, I could take a five-minute walk to my best friends’ homes or a thirty-minute bus ride to the seashore. There, even when I was alone, I felt like I belonged. Unlike my British friends, I can’t just hop on a train and go home for the weekend. I’m stuck here.

When I had everything, I didn’t cherish it. I didn’t even see it as special or highly important. It was just there. I never thought I’d miss it this much. I never thought I’d need it so badly. Sure, it isn’t lost -it’s still there and I’m going to be a part of it again in a few months, but just knowing that it’s not at an arm’s reach anymore pains me. I think about home all the time. Even when I’m in class, concentrated on at least listening to what the lecturers are saying, in the back of my mind I’m thinking about how badly I want to go back. In a way, I feel like I left a part of me there. A part of me that I can’t put in a suitcase and bring here, a part of me that can’t just be sent to me by post, a part of me that will always be there -a key detail to my identity. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to feel whole? Maybe this is why I feel so numb and alone? Maybe this is why I can’t sleep at night? I don’t even know anymore. 

-D.

[jinshexedupworld-blog]

Kdrama actor  and Kpop artist confession. If you’re a fan of any Kceleb PLEASE READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH

Edit: I was pretty direct in my original post but after some thought I have gone back through and censored the actors and artists names just a bit. I have a story to tell. Not sure anyone will hear it. Not sure they will believe it or even care but I’m going to tell it anyway because I have to get this off my chest. I studied for a couple of years at uni abroad in Korea. Koreans for fucks sake are some of the most antisocial bunch if you’re a foreigner I have to say. But thats not what this is about.  I happened to make friends with this one guy, Andrew. He is part Korean but also had lived in Britain somewhere or other too so he was more welcoming to me. Seeing as he was almost my only friend there we quickly became close. Nice guy, a bit on the quirky side and didn’t talk much about his personal life to the point it was a little odd. He was very, very secretive. In fact the only really personal things he talked about was his job, school and the fact that he was a member of the LGBT community. When we would hang out it was always at my dorm or we would meet at a coffee shop or someplace. He never invited me to his place. I even got a wee bit frustrated with it and confronted him about it one day. He got more than a little nervous at that and made all these lame excuses about his room mates being busy and he didn’t want to disturb them or that we wouldn’t have much fun there. I was a bit annoyed at this but I let it slide. He was still a nice guy after all and my only close friend there and I enjoyed him. We had fun together. He was constantly getting texts and phone calls from people he called his friends or room mates. He even had a boyfriend that I knew literally nothing about!  I felt a little left out. I would ask about them or about meeting them and there was always some vague explanation about them and some excuse why we couldn’t meet. At this point I had known him almost a year and still didn’t even know their names!  Not even his boyfriends name! Then one day I asked to borrow his phone and he was unnecessarily protective of it. Yea I get it we’re all weird about anyone else having our phones but come on geez I was having transportation issues , had a dead phone battery and just needed to make a quick call. Long story short I get his phone and make my call. When I clicked end his contact list pops up and theres names in it I recognize. K-idol names. A mix of actors and Kpop artists. I just figure maybe hes some kind of fanboy and maybe he and his mysterious friends use celebrity name handles. Sorry but Kpop fans can be weird and obsessive sometimes, ya know?  And he’s just a college boy. Who is he going to know really? Meanwhile Andrew had been distracted by someone he knew who had approached him and they were busy talking away. So my curiosity got the best of me and his screen hadn’t gone black yet, I still had access. So I go on a little snooping spree through his phone trying my best to not look suspicious. Yes I know I’m a bad person but I’m human what can I say?  I kid you not, this guy has selca pics out the ass literally probably hundreds of himself with several Korean actors and idols. I couldn’t even mentally take in all of them. I know there were many many with E♦♦ members. I saw at least one with P♦♦♦ H♦♦♦♦ S♦♦ I think his name is? The actor and Z♦♦ guy and I think there was another Z♦♦ member in one of them too if I remember right.  There were many with P♦♦♦ B♦ G♦♦, a few with N♦♦ members, one with who I think was a B♦♦ member and quite several with Y♦♦ S♦♦♦♦ H♦. Even several completely random mixed up ones.  I was nervous and hurrying faster than my brain can process but I specifically remember one of Andew, B♦♦♦ B♦♦♦ H♦♦♦, B♦ G♦♦ and S♦♦♦♦ H♦ and someone else I didn’t recognize sitting on a couch laughing like they were having a grand ol time. I’m not even much of a Kceleb person but that one shocked me.  He had another of K♦♦ J♦♦♦ D♦♦ and B♦ G♦♦ together. And thats just the ones I seen before I got nervous about getting caught.  I have to say I was officially intrigued by him though after that. And they didn’t seem like fan pics! That’s what got me most. They looked too comfortable. And they didn’t look like they were taken at any sort of event, concert, fanmeet etc. They were all in normal clothes and sans makeup, in some they even had drink glasses and looked like they could have been in the comfort of their own home. Over the next few months, Andrew did finally start talking to me about it more. He happened to be a childhood friend of a K celeb. Somehow it all snowballed from that. Now he lives with a few of them and is dating one. I won’t go so far as to say which one but he has been for almost 3 years now. I found out he hides behind a “fan” account on Twitter under the name Guksu or JongdaesByuns … or Byunz maybe or some shit like that. Or thats what it used to be at least, I can’t say for certain now.  I followed him for a bit before I deleted my Twitter account. I always found it funny he hid behind a fan account for all the people he actually knows.  He explained to me that he does it more so for the purpose of supporting those he knows personally and for defending them and speaking out against wrongdoings {I’ll get to that shortly}, and from what I seen he really does. And of course when you’re in uni theres always boredom and the need for time passing. And though I was never much of a Twitter person either, it certainly passes time when you’re bored to death. He’s had several stalkers on there try to expose him. Fuck knows how they even knew because he always denies or is vague from what I’ve seen.  And I even got to visit his house and meet a couple of these people . Those I mentioned above, maybe some others even I’m not sure, are all associated with him. I’ve never been a huge fan of K idols myself but I was around uni enough to recognize many, many of them and know some of their work. It’s still kind of weird finding out celebrities are friends with other idols you never suspected they would be. Made me laugh myself a bit at all the stupid fuckin fanwars I would overhear at uni. Fuck if people only knew.  I’m not going to say a lot of shit on here because I know how crazy Kfans are and no one will probably believe this shit anyway. Fuck I saw it for myself and I still am in shock so I wouldn’t even blame anyone. But for what its worth, I’m putting it out there. Believe it or don’t, it’s whatever. Doesn’t really change my life any either way except hoping I will feel better having put this out there. Now onto my reasoning A few months ago I had to go back home and Andrew and I had a bit of a falling out before I left . Not going to get into that but we haven’t kept in contact since. But some of the things he told me still haunts me. About the Korean entertainment industry, both music and drama. The way these people are treated. I even heard it from two of them firsthand. There is so much I want to say but I have heard horror stories about what Korean entertainment companies do to people who speak out against them. I don’t really want to risk that. But if any of you watch Kdrama or listen to Kpop I hope you will keep in mind the amount of suffering those idols go through for your entertainment. The working until they pass out or sick, then being pulled up off the ground and told to get back to work. {side story: I was at Andrew’s house one night when one of the above mentioned people called another asking for a ride home from a set because he had worked 70+ hours straight and passed out several times. } Caking on more and more makeup to hide the fact that they are deathly exhausted. The physical, mental and sexual abuse. Yes sexual. And I’m not talking about isolated incidents. I’m talking about these things being the daily lives of K actors and Kpop artists. And absolutely everything that gets said about them publicly are lies. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G-. If it’s in any way personally related to them and you hear it , then its a fucking publicity lie.  Where they live and their homes are lies. The cars they drive are lies. All set up. I mean considering how crazy and stalkery Kfans are and the fact that so many of them don’t know their boundaries or respect privacy, because yes I have seen this for myself so this much I can understand. But it goes much deeper than that. They don’t date who it is told to you that they date. This is probably the biggest one. Their real dating lives are kept creepily under lock and key and the relationship rumors all of you hear are always fake. A.L.W.A.Y.S.  Sometimes even marriages and family lives are fake and set up. More so if its an LGBT idol.  It’s seriously crazy on the verge of psychotic how far its taken to control these idols lives. And its because everything is considered a scandal in Korea. And fans go crazy over absolutely everything and drop and shit talk their idols over the most ridiculous shit.  So these places they are contracted with go to extreme measures to have complete control over what the public knows. Some of them are gay, maybe a lot of them. But hey guys in the entertainment industry are much more likely to be gay I will tell you that now. I was in theater in middle school, high school and uni for close to 10 years and I probably knew less than 5 males in it that whole time who were NOT gay, or claimed they weren’t anyway.  Gay men love the arts industries. Not trying to be stereotypical but its kind of a fact. And they’re good at it! So there ya go. I know how anti-LGBT Kfans tend to be so let me tell you, get yourself the fuck over it cause you have gay idols. Probably many.  You being hard on them over that is just making their already miserable lives even worse. My only real reason for posting this is to just get all that shit off my chest. I’m not doing this for attention because honestly I couldn’t give two fucks in space what Kfans think. I don’t listen to Kpop or watch Kdramas and since I am no longer in Korea I’m not really exposed to it much at all so I don’t give a flying fuck what the fans of it think of me. And I don’t care to or have time for dealing with their crazy asses.  I do want people to know what their idols go through for them just because I think its really fucked up and you all should know if you actually do care about these people.   I won’t be responding to any replies or answering questions so don’t waste your time. I needed to get this out there, simple as that.  I have lived carrying this with me for awhile now. It gets heavy guys. Really fucking heavy. It just makes me sick that human beings have to endure slave-like lives for those companies and theres really nothing we can do about it. Fuck its 2018 and this shit still goes on. I doubt this post will even get anyones attention but I guess in the very least I got it off my chest. Edit:  Yea I know I maybe just exposed him myself but I don’t even know that he’s still active anymore. I haven’t had my Twitter account in quite some time. And he doesn’t use his full name or say much on there personally anyway so I’m not too worried. And like I said, we had a falling out so take that as you will.

Also a final side note for anyone who read this all the way through and isn’t too busy bitching me out: I have seen some of them scrolling through his Twitter profile/feed/whatever before. Several times actually. So yeah they do fuckin see the things you post.

[mossandstone]

Hello Internet, I’ve had the weirdest day.

Four years ago today, a curly-haired guy kissed me for the first time. Just before that, we’d held hands for a good 20 minutes, not wanting to leave the other’s company just yet. I’d entered myself into something that can most definitely be described as a long-distance relationship- he went to 4 hours away from where I did starting the following February. Nevertheless, we had a fantastic time. Two-and-a-half years later, just after I’d been on a holiday to flippin' Hawaii with his family, he broke up with me. At the time, I was on my own family holiday at Nozawa Onsen in Japan- meaning it all happened over the phone. I was fucking devastated. I've never felt so low in my life. I wasn't expecting it, and definitely was not prepared.

Over the last year-and-a-half (1 yr 8 mths 10 days, but who's counting), I've been dealing with that. At first it was really really hard- I was super in denial, alongside borderline-depressed. It took ages to start healing from that, and I helped many friends through much more difficult break-ups in the meantime. We hung out periodically over that time- when he came up to Syd, when I was living in Melb over summer and he visited family, on a few trips through Canberra. Each time we gelled really well, and it took a lot of mental strength to get over that and remind myself that we couldn't work. That he had ended things, and I needed to respect that.

Over that time I've also been trying to rebuild myself- to find communities I could engage with happily and activities that bring me joy. Overall, I've definitely found quite a few of those, and have enjoyed taking the time to explore how I fit in the world and what I'd like to do. I've even started thinking about what I'd like to do with myself over the next year (I graduate after this semester), and had formulated a few plans based on different contingencies. None of them factored in another person.

This year, he got together with one of his uni friends. I tried studiously to avoid most information on this topic, only letting myself dive in when I felt like I could handle it. I'd built many walls, and they were helping me cope and move forward. Over time, I found that I was happy he was happy, no longer craving the past ever so viscerally. I've tried dating (haha Tinder what a joke) and have slept with a few people. I got with one of my best/oldest friends because it seemed right at the time, before quickly realising it was a huge mistake. Unfortunately, I think that friend has kinda fallen for me (and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with that). I'd found myself in a place where I was not only fine being single, I was enjoying myself. I'd also become heavily engrossed in the Riverdale fandom, and honestly that focus probably helped me take my mind off everything else.

I'm in my Honours year with a thesis due in a little over two weeks. I've been trying to focus my head but haven't been able to get past the mental block that the 'I'm so over uni get me out' mindset generates. Lo and behold, on Sunday night (just as I was writing up some of my methods section) I received a message from him asking if I'd got his letter. He'd sent it at the beginning of last week, a few days before my birthday, so it was strange it hadn't got to me yet. From that moment on, my mind kept wandering, wondering what the hell was in that letter. Is he getting married and wanting to warn me before I found out through someone else? Is he still in love with me? Is he just wishing me a Happy Birthday (something I hadn't had the guts to do two weeks earlier in return)?

It arrived today. I'd left uni early because of a headache and general apathy, arriving home to it stuffed in the mailbox. my heart was racing- what the fuck could this be? Inside were four notepad pages of his handwriting (not the best, but very distinct). I was crying by the end of the first page. I'd just realised this was a sorry letter, a please forgive me letter, an 'I still love you' letter. I cried for a good half-hour. Ugly, overwhelmed, uncontrollable cries. Doggo was very helpful, trying to sit in my lap and give me reassuring licks. I was in a dream-state, not quite able to grasp this was real. He was saying things I've known for almost the last 2 years, and seemed aware and willing to work on them. He was suggesting something I've only dreamt of, never letting myself fully think it out for all that time. To clear my head, I decided I needed to take dog and walk down to a mangled obike I'd found. Both of my very closest friends have their theses due tomorrow, so I knew I didn't want to disturb them, and my other best friend (also his best friend) was at work. So I called another mate, who I've discussed many a love-life difficulty with over the years. He was very supportive of me and said he'd respect whatever I chose to do, but also nudging that he did think we were cute together. I tried to ring my sister, and she rang back on her way home from work. We talked almost the entire way, and she read the letter when she got here. Besides the whole 'you broke my sister's heart and we had to put her back together' thing, her main issue was whether he was still with the other girl. After the mutual best friend called back, I found out they'd broken up a month ago.

So here I am. We're planning on meeting up for coffee (or equivalent) on the weekend. I'm going to take it as it comes, but will be hoping it works out. It'll take a LOT of work, and working through very difficult emotional minefields, but I think I'll be there for it (depending on how the weekend goes). I've been training myself out of these feelings for such a long time, but I think once I let myself feel again we'll be able to begin. I've also gotta work out how to sell this to my friends and family, who all had to bear the brunt last time things went VERY south. Today, it feels like my life turned into fanfiction. Let's wait and see how the real life version goes. Much love, Bec xxx

[emotionaldreamer]

“I was in an emotionally abusive relationship” - My Story.

I am getting extremely angry now at how my ex, J, has been writing online about how I apparently abused him during our two years together.

So now I want to write my side of the story. 

We met on an online dating site, plenty of fish, what attracted me most to him was a picture of him in a toy car entitled “to the pub” and the fact that he liked Disney and other types of films that I was into. We chatted for a while and met up a few times to go on dates. Everything was fine for the first 4 months until he lost his job around the Christmas period. 

It was during this time that he stopped being the person that I’d initially spoken to online, the person who I had fallen in love with. I tried to support him through this difficult period that he was going through but I ended up getting it all thrown back in my face. 

He started hanging out with one of his mates, M, and they were doing drugs (M’s mum’s prescription painkillers) all the time they hung out. M wanted to get with this girl, K, who’s sister, E, was always with her wherever she went. Queue the hours that I’d go without any replies to my messages that I’d send because he’d be hanging out with M,K & E. I can remember very clearly a message that M sent me which said “J has found someone much prettier, thinner and more fun to be with than you. They’re sat on my sofa, cuddling and holding hands. He’s walking her home later. Think you’ve been dumped love”. 

For weeks, I would beg J not to go round to his mates house because of what was going on, for weeks I’d receive the same type of message from his friend M. One day I was at J’s, I just said that I was going to leave him because I’d had enough of being his doormat - I wish I’d stuck to this and not let him get in my head - J started crying and begging me not to leave him, that he loved me, that he wouldn’t hang out with them again. 

I stayed with him despite this, I was then subjected to months of emotional abuse from him and his family.  I got the piss taken out of me for sounding posh on a daily basis when I was at his. He used to ignore, not only my texts, but me as well, even when I was sat in the same room as him. I’d wait for him to come home from interviews, when I’d stay over, and he’d immediately go to his computer to game, then when he was bored, he’d take an interest in me....this usually resulted in sex. The sex, for me, was unwanted, forced, unpleasant and I used to cry as he’d bend me over the bed and fuck me ‘doggy’ style. When he was done, he’d go back to gaming or go to sleep. 

I started gaming just to spend some time with him, this aggravated him greatly because I was interfering in his life, becoming far too involved. He never once took an interest in my life. 

The relationship became more like a burden than something enjoyable. During my last year at university, I lived alone (for someone with mental health issues, was not a good idea) but I did it for him because he hated all my flat mates, had driven me away from my friends. I was finding uni extremely difficult to cope with and I had nobody to talk to about it. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen. He was more interested in his games. 

I ended up shutting myself away from the world, I stopped taking my medication, I used to sit in the shower for hours on end. I wanted the world to swallow me up. 

I told him that I’d gone to a&e one night because I’d cut myself badly, he proceeded to shout at me about how I hadn’t told him I’d stopped taking my meds or was feeling like this but I had told him and he just didn’t pay any attention. I went to the counselling sessions that the hospital made me do, I hadn’t been to uni in over 5 months, despite living 8 mins away from it in halls. 

My depression got worse, I tried to reach out for help when early one morning I found myself climbing over the metal fence in the courtyard at halls (it was on the 1st floor, was very high up), I wanted J to come and sit with me or tell someone what was going on because I was scared to do it myself. He never did that, instead kept blaming me and how it was all my fault. 

I ended up failing uni, still suicidal and ready to give up. J, myself and my mum and sister went on a holiday to Walt Disney World, I’d decided that this was the last straw and would end everything when I got home so that nobody would have to put up with me any longer and he could go back to gaming peacefully and chatting to his lady friends. 

After several arguments on holiday about him constantly being late to get ready for the parks and how I shouldn’t have invited him, he broke up with me (the day after we got back). 

Fast forward several months, I was seeing a proper counsellor, I had gotten myself a new job and was no longer being emotionally manipulated for spending the day in bed because I didn’t have the energy to get up and dressed. I was taking new meds, which are amazing, I felt safe at home with my family and new friends I’d made. 

I started talking to a guy from work, B, he was lovely, I told him about my past abusive relationships and my mental health issues, he was very supportive. We went on a few dates and in a few weeks time will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary. He has shown me what true love feels like, he doesn’t have a go at me for having bad days, he comforts me via messages and weird pictures (we’re long distance as he lives in London now for a job). I am in a much better place than I was in 2015. I have that support that I needed, I’m hopefully going back to uni and I haven’t felt this happy in ages. Yes, I still notice that I get freaked out when I don’t get an instant reply back to my message when B is out with friends but that’s usually because he’s been busy which is completely fine with me or has had no signal. He hasn’t chosen to ignore me like my ex did. 

If you ever feel trapped in a relationship, whether it be physical or emotional, please speak to someone about it, get out as soon as possible. Don’t let it destroy you. 

[mikototsu-trash]

I saw on one of your posts that you were in a bad relationship. How bad was it exactly? What made it end? I am glad though that you are out of it and hopefully are in a much better one. Best of luck to you on healing!

that’s kind of a can of worms you opened there anon aha. Thank you for your well-wishes.

I finally got out in January this year, pretty much because I’d been suffering so much for so long that I couldn’t hide it from the people I cared about anymore, and their reactions gave me the shove I needed realise I couldn’t keep doing this, and I needed to put my own well-being first and get out no matter what my ex said to try and stop me from leaving. I’m slowly recovering from the scars of the old relationship, but it’s going to take some time.  

I’m now in a relationship with an absolutely wonderful person; you’ve probably seen me talking about him before because I do that a lot aha. He’s my best friend in the whole world, he’s kind and supportive and affirming and caring and we communicate effectively rather than fighting and he makes me feel safe and loved and supported and I couldn’t ask for a more perfect partner. 

I’ve never really told the whole story on this blog of what happened, so I’ll put the details under a cut because it’s possibly triggering (major warnings for abuse and self-harm mention) and probably quite long, but if anyone wants to know.

My ex-partner was emotionally abusive in a number of different ways

He had anger issues, and he would frequently throw/break things, shout at me, call me terrible names no matter how much I asked him not to. At one point he threw a glass in my direction over a petty argument, idk if he was aiming at me, but it hit the door about a foot behind my head. I’m still kind of jumpy if ever particularly cis men become angry or start shouting in my vicinity. 

He didn’t respect my gender identity. He’d rather I feel unsafe and dysphoric in my own home than call me his “partner” on voice chat with his gaming friends rather than “girlfriend” because he was afraid they’d make fun of him (even though “partner” is a very common term in the UK regardless of gender). 

He didn’t respect my boundaries- I asked him not to use particular insults against me or to use certain pronouns, but he would never improve. He looked through my tumblr messages with my best friend at one point out of suspicion, then demanded I come home so he could yell at me about what he found (which was that my friend had criticised his behaviour and I hadn’t defended him, even though his behaviour was reprehensible). 

He didn’t allow me time to myself. Sometimes during arguments I would need space to myself to cool off and calm down, but he never let me. It would get to the point where I was so distressed I was on the verge of self-harm and he still wouldn’t stop going on the offensive until after I’d actually hurt myself. Most of my self-harm habit was fuelled by how awful I felt after we argued. Sometimes he would physically block me from leaving the room if a fight was overwhelming me and I needed to get out, and if I walked away from a verbal confrontation he would text me and message me the second I was out of the room. If I fell asleep, he would call me to wake me up, even if it was like 4am and I had class the next day.

I was also not allowed time to myself under normal circumstances either- if I was out with friends he would message me constantly, he would demand I come home, he would scream and spam me if I didn’t reply, calling my phone all the time so I knew he was messaging me. I felt suffocated. He forced me to be that asshole who was always on their phone, and I was never allowed just a few hours to be with my friends without him pestering me constantly. His dependency issues were through the roof.

We were long-distance for the first 4 years of the relationship and we’d agreed that evenings were “our time” but if ever something came up (like going out with family for dinner or having friends over, which was rare) I wasn’t allowed a night off from him. If ever something came up for him I’d let him have a good time and not bother him, but I wasn’t afforded the same treatment- once again he’d message me constantly and ring me if I didn’t reply, even if I was drunk or tired or just too busy to reply.  

He was incredibly envious. Early on in the relationship he would get angry with me for achieving things (the first time I ever self-harmed was results day year 10 when I was 15- when I told him I got really good results he had a meltdown and yelled at me and I ended up scratching all the skin off my forearm without realising) and even when he’d gotten over these issues he was still never proud of me- I told him I got straight A*s after results day in year 12 and his response was “water is wet” and I still have issues telling people my achievements because I worry they’ll be upset if I’ve done better than they have. He also threatened to break off the relationship for months when I told him I was going to be getting a car (paid for out of my inheritance from my grandmother, who passed away a few years ago. I pretty much needed the vehicle to get to college, which was a considerable distance from my home) and he left me in limbo for ages.

He was controlling. He knew I had a crush on my best friend because I told him, figuring being open about it was the best way to deal with it. He was kind of okay at first, but then I started to feel more and more unhappy in the relationship but I couldn’t get out, so I ended up getting very drunk at a party and kissing my best friend, hoping that maybe it would make him angry enough that he’d end the relationship and I could finally be with the friend and get out of the situation I was in. He fucking blew his lid, said a lot of horrific things to me, and tried to get me to cut off my best mate, but I made it clear if it was a him-or-the-friend situation I would pick the friend, so he backed off. But he still imposed a ton of restrictions on when we could see each other and for how often and I had to message him every so often while I was with my friend and he would get pissed if he saw us messaging each other over my shoulder and I felt so suffocated, especially because me and the friend were each other’s support systems as we’re both trans. I ended up basically isolated from my friends, afraid to tell my partner I was going out to see them because he would get pissed at me, and now I’m still scared of telling people things that I’m afraid will disappoint them. I understand being unfaithful wasn’t the best thing I could have done but there comes a point when you’re being abused when you just can’t do it anymore. 

Sometimes I felt my ability to say no to sexual stuff was compromised. 

He manipulated me into staying in the relationship. There had been many fights over the years where I’d said you know what, I’m done, no matter what I say you never get any better, and he would guilt me into staying with him. He used to threaten self-harm and suicide and say all these things about how I was the one and I would be condemning him to a life of solitude and he had no other friends and he hated all of his family. He also manipulated me into living with him- I expressed my doubts about moving in together on a number of occasions but once again he spun all these (false) stories about how he couldn’t afford to go to his dream uni that he worked so hard for unless we split living costs, and he couldn’t live in the same city but not together so we’d have to break up which of course was followed by the aforementioned “if we break up you’re essentially killing me” (I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist). That’s why it took me so long to get out. 

I wasn’t permitted to tell friends and family about the way he treated me or about our arguments. 

I pretty much lived in constant fear of him for the last 6 months of the relationship, cut off from my friends with awful depression that wrecked my immune system and basically had me confined to my bedroom for a month. I didn’t feel safe in my own home, I was self-harming frequently, I was afraid to even ask him to do things like clean the dishes in case he blew up at me, and it wasn’t until I’d gotten out of the relationship and had the benefit of hindsight and the perspective of a healthy relationship to compare it to that I realised just how much I’d been suffering. I even wanted to be friends right after the breakup, but then bit by bit I realised that I’d basically been traumatised by everything that happened (I’m scared of the facebook messenger noise???) and there was no excuse for his behaviour. So I’m in the process of recovering now. 

[flavourlessfiction]

I feel like I mostly make up jokes when it comes to making posts about my sexuality. So in honour of it being Pride Month, I thought I’d actually make a post that to an extent is about my story I guess. I’ll but it under the cut because it’s longer than I expected.

So pretty much throughout high school I was bullied, and not in the beaten up or shoved into stuff. No it was a little more subtle than that, girls pretending to be my friend, boys actually calling me ‘man bear pig’ like from South Park, and other horrible names, literally because I knocked their mate out of the highest stream class, throwing gum in my hair was probably the worst of it. However, one of the things I’ll never forget is in year 8 a girl who I’d never actually spoken to, we knew each other and had some mutual friends, sending me a message telling me one of her female friends liked me. Now I wasn’t offended by this or anything merely confused, on the most part wanting to know why the fuck she was even messaging me about it. Turned out it was because she thought I was a lesbian. Now that I did find offensive, because she also accused me of liking one of my mutual friends and I said something stupid as fuck like ‘i’m straight as an arrow’ hind sight not clever or funny, I was a weird teenager. Anyway, to really run home the point I went to the friend she claimed like me and told her straight that her friend was saying she was a lesbian and she should know. It was a petty move but I stewed on it for like a week and had realised she’d potentially outed her friend just to try and get gossip about me.

The first real time I was confronted with with the idea though that I wasn’t one of those pesky hets was either later that year or early year nine. A family friend’s wife had left him for a woman, and some rather hateful things came out of my mum’s mouth. Saying that the woman was selfish, that bisexuals were just pretending to play straight. I did fight her on this because I was offended and while she didn’t relent at the time, it’s now that I know she wasn’t saying this about bisexuals in general. She was mad at the time because someone she’d been friends with since she was a teenager had been hurt by someone he loved.

I was probably 16 or 17 when I first came out to someone and it was my mum. On the record it wasn’t this horrible or happy moment, I was simply talking in the drive through at McDonalds about Pansexuality and she asked if I identified as that. At the time I said yes, because I thought that was the term I aligned with. Steadily I came out to more and more people, mostly friends and stuff at school and that sort of thing. Yes people were supportive to my face, no one said I was brave or anything like that though, who knows what they were really thinking?

Anyway once I got out of school I was far more open about it, slowly letting more family know. As in my step dad didn’t know until this past year, which was a total accident, I had thought he knew and both my mum and I were surprised when he was like ‘wait you’re bi?’ it was actually a fairly funny moment. Anyway as I entered uni and moved to Melbourne I was just a lot more forward about it all, not wanting to make people uncomfortable I’m just more honest about it. Which is healthy and it’s made me a happier person because I’ve really struggled with mental health issues in the past five years especially. While they are mostly separate from my sexuality I think I’ve started to realise that it still has been apart of it.

So tonight I changed my cover photo to this, which if any of you are friends with me on facebook would know it’s super out character given my past few have been references to movies, tv shows or woke babies. Now this post wasn’t an attempt to be savage towards people, I just wanted to make a really shitty joke whilst changing my cover photo in honour of Pride Month.