#and my own self hatred of what i am. unable to change it

[one-winged-dreams]

How did it get to me lying here thinking about concepts for my insert for non-heartsteel yone

[cobalt-axolotl]

I plan on doing art RQS (request not the remnant queue system)

I would love if you submitted your head cannons and ask me my own.

About me

I am a pansexual cis male

I fictionkin charlotte Emily, Henry stickmin, and plush trap.

Cassidy is my main blorbo

My prounouns he/him

My name is Austin but I also go by cobalt, charlie (my middle name is charles), and that mother fucker

My favorite fandoms are the following: homestuck, COTL, scp, fnaf, dsaf, Dhmis. Danny phantom, megaman, creepypasta, glitch productions, Minecraft, Ben 10, omori, undertale, sonic, gravity falls, Pokémon, bendy, TcoA&L, analog horror as a whole (especially Mandela catalog, angel hare, and Midwest Angelica), gr3gory88, helluva boss, hazbin hotel, TF2, moral orel, half life, half life VR but the AI is self aware, bioshock, 5YL, Spooky’s Jump-scare Mansion, The owl house, epithet erased, amphibia, Steven universe, Henry stickmin, disc world, AO ONI, pizza tower, and various tokusatsu

My favorite animal is the axolotl

I mainly post incorrect quotes and art but I do run an ask blog for my AU’s

I am a simp for papyrus undertale

Minecraft is my favorite video game

I run an 14+ blog

By the time I am making this edit I am 18 years old.

My OTPs are Evan x Cassidy and marlie

DNI (do not interact)

Transphobes

Racist

Sexist

TERFs

Homophobes

Pedophiles

Trolls

Stupid people (people who refuse to learn)

List of my AUs and they’re connected cannons

Golden children (fnaf)

Shattered souls (fnaf)

Malefactor malfunction (fnaf and Ben 10)

Glam it (fnaf)

Triple M (scp)

Xanthophobia (fnaf)

GMTC (fnaf and undertale)

B&P (fnaf and dnd)

NUCN (fnaf)

SBR (fnaf)

Under void (undertale)

Fazrune (fnaf and deltarune combo)

Like it never even happened (fnaf)

List of oc’s and ther connected AUs

Nick (my fnaf AUs)

Virgil (under void)

List of my AU’s with songs that describe them

Golden children: just gold by Mandi pony (I don’t like the guy I just like his music)

Shattered souls: creepin towards the dirt by griffinila

Malefactor malfunction: the ben 10 theme song (just replace the words Ben 10 with Cassidy)

Glam it: this comes from inside by the living tombstone

Triple M: secure container protect by madame macabre

Xanthophobia: look what you made me do by taylor swift

GMTC (give me the child): collared by vane

Bears and pizzerias: your the key by Kyle Allen music

Nicks ultimate custom night: replay your nightmare by hard ninja

Stuck in the back room (my alive AU): I’m still standing by Elton John

Under void: gasters theme by Toby fox

Characters in my AU’s

Cassidy Noelle Carter (died at 14 in golden child au) (in the golden children AU she becomes Fredbear and in the shattered souls, glam it, xanthophobia ,and malefactor malfunction AU she doesn’t die) (can speak German) (learned German so she can figure out what’s bothering Nick and calm him down) (in xanthophobia nicks death drives her to the point of insanity and causes here to become a serial killer “super edgy I know”) (in shattered souls she marries Evan but doesn’t change her last name due to her hatred for William) (learned Korean from her mother and is fluent it)

Evan afton (crying child) (died at 12 in golden children au but not dead in malefactor malfunction, glam it, xanthophobia, or shattered souls Au) (loses all sense of empathy after the bite of 83 in xanthophobia “a head injury can do that to you right?”) (marry’s cassidy in shattered souls)

Benny afton (Cassidy’s and Evan son biological son in shattered souls) (an analog to golden children Cassie)

Goldie (he’s here he’s there he’s everywhere who you gonna call psychic friend fred-bear)

Gregory afton (Vanessa’s brother in the golden children au) (trans gender FTM)

Cassie Maxie Carter (nick and Elizabeth’s adopted daughter in the golden children AU) (named after her aunt)

Kasey Roxanna Carter (Cassidy’s twin sister) (nicks older sister) (lesbian) (cares for Nick as much as Cassidy but is unable to understand him at times) (neli’s ex girlfriend) (posses Roxanne wolf) (currently dating Susie) (learned Korean from her mother and is fluent in it)

Gaberiel grim (died at 10) (died in 1985) (possesses Freddy)

Jeremy grim (died at 11) (died in 1985) (posses Bonnie)

Fritz smith(died at 3) (died in 1985) (posses foxy)

Susie McCarthy (died at 14) (died in 1985) (posses chica) (Kasey’s current girlfriend)

Adrian smith(died at 5) (died in 1987) (part of the second mci) (posses mangle)

Millie fitzsimmons (died at 18) (died in 1987) (part of the second mci) (possesses toy Bonnie)

Markus Murphy (died at 17) (died in 1987) (part of the second mci) (possesses toy Freddy)

Nelli Twain ( died at 16) (died in 1987) $part of the second mci) (possesses toy chica) (Kasey’s ex girlfriend)

Jake McCarthy (died at 6) (died in 2016) (used to posses stitch wraith along with Andrew)

Andrew Montgomery Emily (died at 16) (died in 1987) (part of the second MCI) (posses Monty in the golden children au) (used to possess stitch wraith along with Jake) (was besties with Cassidy and Evan)

Charlie Emily / Charlie afton (not dead in the golden children or Xanthophobia au) (is dead in shattered souls) (marries Mike in the golden children au)

Mike afton

Vanessa afton (Mike and Charlie’s daughter in golden children au)

Elizabeth Clair Afton / Elizbeth Clair Carter (doesn’t die or posses baby in the golden children au) (died at 8 in the shattered souls & malefactor malfunction AU’s) (is nicks best friend) (dies to circus baby in shattered souls au) (takes Evan’s place in shattered souls au) (born in 1979 in the main 2 AU’s) (married to Nick as an adult in the golden children au) (going to college to become a psychologist in the golden children au)

Malary Emily ( Henry’s wife) (Charlie and Sammy’s mom)

Henry emily (dies at 63) (championed for better treatment of autism in the golden children AU)(mentored Nick in robotics after Edd’s death)

Clair afton (died at 20 due to suicide) (Williams ex)

Loralai afton (Williams current life) (survives in every AU I made) (her name is also a pun on Ballora) (Evan and Elizabeth’s mom)

William Afton (Dies at 36)

Dave miller (nicks therapist) (named after book and DSAF Dave)

Nikki Carter (Nick, Kasey, and Cassidy’s mom) (Korean immigrant) (left while Nick was too young to remember) (may or may not have indirectly been the cause of David’s abuse to towards Nick)

Malcom faraday zanaflex (main protagonist of my scp au)

Dr Elias Munro (died at 79 on the year 1981) (original owner of fredbear’s sing’n show) (was a father figure to Henry and William) (was their boss before he retired in 1955)

Zachary Munro/nightmarionne (not dead) (became a mutant after a remnant injection) (immortal) (grandson of Elias)

Garret schmit (basically Garret from the movie combined with Mike from the movie)

Abby schmit (just Abby from the movie)

Jeremy Fitzgerald

Sammy Lewis emily (is younger than Charlie in these AU’s) (like around nicks age) (non verbal until his twelfth birthday) (good with Rubik’s cubes) (dies in xanthophobia and takes charlottes place as the puppet)

Billy (AI created by William afton to watch after evan while he worked on his projects)

Jack Kennedy (named after the one from DSAF just nota corpse) (Bonnie mask Bully) (gave Nick the spring Bonnie mask) (was much less willing than mikes other friends during the bite of 83) (mikes right hand man)

Maddison Simmons (jacks girlfriend) (chica mask Bully) (was much more willing than her boyfriend)

Jerry Mann (Freddy mask bully) (just as willing as Mike & Emilia)

Vinny (literally just exist to be Sammy’s boyfriend because I don’t like Sammy being forever alone)

Nickolas Alastair Carter (Kasey and Cassidy’s younger brother) (has a red Bonnie plushi named mr Marvo) (is a paranoid schizophrenic) (was raised by his sisters due to them having bad parents) (takes Cassidy’s place in shattered souls au) (works at the pizzaplex in the glam it au) (born in 1983 in the main 2 AU’s) (has a slightly un healthy obsession with Bonnie the bunny) (was hired on by Henry during the events of fnaf 1 in golden children AU) (often wore a Red Bonnie halloeeen mask as a child) (can speak German but only does it when he’s extremely angry or when he finds a certain word to be extremely funny) (autistic “like me”) (he’s also really defensive about his intellect) (died in a ball pit in shattered souls au) (acespec panromantic) (post ffps his soul transfers into eclipse in the SS Au)

Edwin Alastair Carter (Aka. Grandpa eddy) (Nick and Cassidy’s grand father) (their only parrental figure that isn’t abusive to Nick) (was hired by Henry and William to design the springlock suits) (built the mimic as a friend for Nick) (also made the old man consequences AI)

David mobi carter (Nick, Kasey, and Cassidy’s father) (abusive towards Nick in specific) (Cassidy is his favorite) (ignores Kasey) (is manipulative towards Nick)

Old man consequences (an AI that acts as a sorta therapist to Nick in my AU’s)

Nightmare (before being possessed by half of nicks soul it was the first working springlock suit known as proto lefty) (not one of the nightmare animatronics) (half of nicks soul)

Marvo Marvelous (half of nicks soul in the shattered souls au) (a red magician hare)

NYX

Glitchtrap (separate from mimic) (had his consciousness put into a roomba)

Captain poncho (nicks imaginary friend) (scares Gagleon)

Stitch wraith (possessed by Andrew and Jake)

Fredbear (possessed by Cassidy and Evan in golden children au)

Plush trap (in the golden child au he is a little drone sent out by null trap)

Null (second spring Bonnie suit that William place Evans body in after he died) (possessed by Evan in the both AU’s)

Mxes the hare (in the au he is named after mr mxes) (the au version of him looks more human in the AUs) (in golden children au he was first an animatronic for the fnaf 1 location that filled the same role as the then defunct security puppet) (created my nick)

RWQFSFASXC (all of nicks insecurities in physical form) (main antagonist of the GMTC AU) (shadow Bonnie)

Shadow Freddy

Mr mxes (has half of Cassidy’s soul inside of it in golden child au) (is choc full of agony from Nick)

Mimic (nick and Cassidy pretend he’s their older brother as in all three AU’s he just lives with the two)

Nickolai (animatronic human built by Henry as a third entertainer at fredbear’s family diner) (starts wearing a Fredbear Halloween mask after the mci for… “reasons”)

Void Bonnie (shattered souls spring Bonnie) (has a shadow variant name dark trap) (this Springbonnie is possessed by Nick not William afton as he simply feeds off of William’s agony) (heroic counterpart to Springtrap) (takes golden Freddy’s place in shattered souls AU) (born from Nick’s corpse being put into a certain ball pit) (name after the void between the physical and spiritual plains)

Mangle

Miketrap (the pit creature before metamorphosing into pit Bonnie) (a Monroe experiment)

Salvage (an old springlock suit given life through mysterious means) (a Monroe experiment)

Nightmarionne (a nightmare version of the puppet) (a Monroe experiment)

Remnant Queue System (the shadow’s child)

Night-watch (machine built by Mike to hunt down what’s left of Fazbear entertainment and destroy William once and for all) (-the rebuilt endo of Fredbear)

The classics

The toy animatronics

The withered animatronic

Springtrap (not darktrap) (in shattered souls darktrap used the spring locks to curve his violent tendencies and forget about him being a killer) (in shatttered souls his charge goes from being a humanized billcipher as William to a dsaf Dave miller and gruncle stan combo as Springtrap)

The nightmares (evil versions of the twisted ones in the golden children au)

The fun times

Ennard the clown (the in between of the fun times and glamrocks with his blood lust being replaced by a humanoid level of sapience) (has a shape sifting gimmick which he uses to entertain kids)

The Glamrocks

The twisted ones (in the my AU’s they’re good guys and built by Mike along with night-watch)

The hellfire animatronics (upgraded versions of the twisted ones)

The night terror animatronics (scrap’s, night terror Freddy, night terror Bonnie, night terror foxy, and night terror chica,)

The salvage animatronics (salvage Monty, salvage freddy, salvage ennard, and darktrap) (constructed from broken animatronics) (end is are exposed) (partially inspired by the ignited animatronics)

And the omori charecters are cannon to the malefactor malfunction au cuz why the fuck not

The springlock animatronics (fredbear, spring Bonnie, and Alastair)

Villains for malefactor malfunction can be found here

How the AU’s work

Each au has four version (book style in which it falls into silver eye’s continuity, game style in which it falls into game continuity, movie style in which it falls into movie continuity, and amalgam style in which it combines all three continuity’s into one)

In xanthophobia Cassidy is the villain (William afton die’s extremely soon in the AU and for once in his life never comes back)

So in my most of my AU’s the souls are able to grow old despit not being alive which explains any shipping you might see. Most of it isn’t my doing though

Elizabeth x Nick is only cannon in golden children

Unless its Evan x Cassidy or Mike x Charlie

TF2 is cannon in the golden children au (i mostly just wanted to make fnaf 2 Jeremy TF2 Jeremy)

The golden children au takes place in the late 80s to early 90s with flash forwards towards the pizzaplex era while the shattered souls au takes place in 1991 and the malefactor malfunction shifts the entire time line to start in 2000 GMTC takes place around 1999 to 2018 xanthophobia takes place in in the 2000s and 2010s

In shattered souls Springtrap is much nicer due to him losing his murdeous tendencies after getting spring locked

malefactor malfunction is a Ben 10 fnaf crossover with Cassidy having a version of the omnitrix called kaizotrix

The blog itself is cannon in all AU’s

This is a link to the malefactor malfunction aliens list for all of Cassidy’s kaizotrix transformations

As well as facts about the malefactors

Also a timeline for my main AU

*Warning*

Some times I can be very cringe

Check these people out too

@sparkledogzvomit

@sotogalmo

@asksamanthalawrence324

@hearts4ggy

@therealprismcat

@afton-family-askblog

@midnight--motorist

@corpserabbit

@sassysoulstranger

@harley-angel

@simply-icarus

@fredbearcassidy

@wind-the-music-box

@kriemhild-kafka

@dommarhooober

@sea-menace

@ask-basil-omori

@amilotta

@apocalypticjay

@shywizardflower

@beardedstrangerdreamland

@ilovelawrencee

@kaycrowley

@lizzie-get-in-the-robot

@vinyl-lol

@viarayy01-blog

@ghosts-cant-die-twice

@it-came-from-mount-ebott

@idsfantasy

@childo0p

@thecryptidart1st

@the-smiley-blue-axolotl

@museumoftinyhens

@i-live-in-your-basement

@serpentdragon777

@ramunehana (if you 18+)

@artistmediocore

Also check my alts

@cobal-axolotl-undertale

@tokucross-fanproject

@red-documents-redo

@nick-and-cass

@nightmare-from-fnaf4

I also put Nick official design down here

Here is my creepypasta and uncharacteristically ask blog

An here at my character designs so far https://www.tumblr.com/random-world-64/735868089007259648/all-my-major-chararacters-so-far

And here’s some fanfics I’m working on

her is my sona AXOL

Lore alarm

The blog itself is also a cross over point for my AU’s and in multiverse it’s ran by the characters

[cookiecomics]

⭐⭐⭐ give me that directors infodump 👀

Hehehe I'll give my director's cut on Futaba's awakening!

So I am super in love with the day Persona 3 did their second awakenings. The idea that events in the characters' lives independent from the protagonist caused a shift in their psyche that caused them to develop as characters was appealing for me. Without Ren as the driving force behind the change, they had to change on their own which led me to try to brainstorm what events might push different characters to the brink.

For Makoto it was having everything about the police and justice stripped away with both her own actions, the actions of her sister and how it all culminated into getting a full view of what the justice system she craved to belong to can do to those with no power to do otherwise, it changed her in a way that she can't come. back from. That in my eyes, was the tamest of the bunch.

Then we had Akechi, someone who, at every turn, refused to free himself from his own mental shackles of the situation he's been in. How he viewed his mother and her complicated life. How he viewed himself in relation to his father and in relation to the world. He never really went after what HE wanted, only what he thought was what he was destined to do. To him, finding meaning in life meant finding some sort of balance that would be worth the cost of his mother's life. Bringing down Shido was that for him. A monster through and through and just like the stories and legends that Akechi is no doubt familiar with, that kind of karmic justice may not be "worth" his mother's life, but it's worth his. It's penance for what she had to go through. He wasn't living for himself, not really.

There's a saying in Naruto that really spoke to how I developed Ren and Goro in this fic. Sasuke said Naruto couldn't understand him because he's been alone from the very beginning vs Sasuke who lost everyone he loved. Those are two very different types of loneliness and two different sources of anger that feel like they should be the same, but they aren't. Fundamentally, they aren't, and that's why Ren was unable to reach him in that way.

From the very beginning, I knew Futaba and Cog Akechi were going to be the mechanism for Goro's second awakening. Goro's ultimate villain after all isn't fully Shido, it's always been himself. His perception of himself, his past, his inability to let himself have that love and adoration he craves now that he's found it. The person who could reach him was the only other person who would understand his very unique brand of pain in Futaba.

Being told it wasn't his fault his mom killed herself from someone that in his eyes, has every reason to despise him, to curse him, to see him fall, meant something to him. It reached him in a way that Ren couldn't in this side of the fic because Goro never tried to kill Ren. Not really, but he did ruin Futaba's life in the exact same way that his was ruined. That's why Futaba was the only one who could reach him.

She knows what it's like to believe and be told by others that your life was a burden on your mother, that self hatred, that hatred for the world at large, that need and desire for some sort of justice for your mother. Futaba gets all of that and she says as much in the game. She doesn't have to forgive him, but she can give him what he needs, and show him first hand, in action, that love is complicated.

As for Futaba's awakening, considering the deadly sin being explored in the palace was pride, neither Ren nor Goro was wholly equipped to deal with the palace at large.

They both wanted different things and were reluctant in their own ways to compromise the whole way through. It wasn't until both of them learned that they needed other people- that they could get saved by the person whose shown the most humility in the story thus far, Futaba.

Humility can be defined as having a realistic view of yourself and self-importance. Goro and Ren both put their goals above others, repeatedly.

Futaba is one of the few people in the story who never tries to sacrifice those around her for herself. When given the option to abandon Makoto to save herself when Goro takes everyone hostage, she rejects that. When given the choice to leave Goro to Cog Goro, she rejects that too. She stands up for Ren against the phantom thieves, and even against Sojiro. Time and time again, Futaba shows that humility when everyone else especially Ryuji, Ann and Makoto often fall to their own instances of pride or anger.

And most importantly, as much as Ren's whole life was turned upside down by Shido. The person who suffered the most at the hands of Shido were Akechi and Futaba and Futaba deserved to smack her dad (lol at my fav hc) in his stupid bald head as vengeance for her mom. I was disappointed the game didn't give her a moment like that, but alas, condense storytelling.

Throughout the story, Futaba constantly desires to have the power to save those around her. With her awakening and her turning the tide against the big bad, she does just that.

[muzzleroars]

have u ever heard end-world normopathy by ghost and pals. that along with scapegoat do crazy ultrakill flavored shit to my brain its insane

oouuughhhh HUGE vibes of the creation running past the creator and changing into something they would see with hatred, as a perversion of their vision without regard for the life of the creation itself. which. is such an important theme in this game to me as the thread that runs through the angels, the machines, and hell itself. each was made with a strict purpose yet, by the incompetence or arrogance of their makers, turned into something unable to properly be controlled in their own weakness. both god and (likely) humanity attempted to rectify this with subjugation and abandonment, but as the testament said, they cannot unmake what has been done. and with them gone, see how the creations turn into what they feared, how hell governs itself and makes sport of the damned of its own accord; how the machines flood into its halls and devour the already dead to steal their immortality; how gabriel, the brightest in heaven, turns apostate and similarly robs the high angels of their eternal gift. and all the damage done is the fruit of those who made them.

of course both of these songs give me just. major gabriel/v1/v2 vibes the most, but hell is there as an encompassing element in the background of it all. because i think in a way, all of their purposes have fucked with them but their reactions to gaining autonomy in the face of that design is drastically different. for all of them the job they were given upon birth is inescapable, it defines their identity, but how it weaves in with their free will is unique. v1 has warped its sense of war over time, corrupted mind twisting it into a being meant to forever create war and strife rather than just fight in it. it's drive is not for blood but for battle, infinite and inescapable. they made it, but its time never came. v2 is meant to bring peace but it is based in the same violence, it knows its time is over in a world so atrophied with a purpose that was always confused besides. they made it, but it was neglected. gabriel is an angel without a god or master, his static existence collapsed in on itself into the sham it always was. god made him, but he was lied to. and then hell surrounds all of it, made as a place of eternal torment and damnation to know nothing else, never meant to have a mind yet living and breathing and doing nothing but evil. god made it, but it was abandoned.

in this way i think of hell and v1 as parallels a lot while gabriel and v2 are closer in proximity - the former two have abandoned their creators right back, have rid themselves of those expectations and, if they think on their creators at all, may only view them with disdain or perhaps self-satisfaction. they are both far-gone, but i think there is a part of them that has the am conundrum - they do as they please, yet something in them is irreparably bound to their creators no matter what they accomplish (hell in particular is absolutely am-adjacent). gabriel and v2 are angrier in their abandonment, bitter in how lost they are now and what their creators have wrought for them. freedom isn't easy, they didn't ask for it, yet they have no choice when they know too much and the world they're in demands it of them in a sense. and neither of them, even if given the chance, could go back to what they once were (gabriel especially has entirely left the cave) all of it asks what it means to be created with a purpose, and if that really is better than being created aimlessly. SORRY this got on a little bit of a tangent, but these songs really just made my mind run off with this theme and it's one that drives me crazy!!!

[rey-jake-therapist]

MY FANFICTIONS

IT'S SO COLD

BBC SHERLOCK FANFIC

SUMMARY

Picture yourself as Molly Hooper, head over heels for a man who barely notices you and when he does, it's generally to demean you. And yet you're a brilliant pathologist, a kickass woman who's carved her space in a male-dominated world. You're also the woman who helped said man fake his own death and kept his secret for two years straight. You're the woman who got engaged to a man who looked like him because no other man could ever compete. You're the woman who knows him better than he knows himself. You, Molly Hooper, are the woman Sherlock respects and loves in his own way, he just does a shitty job at showing it.

Written as a contribution to Sherlock Challenge November 2023. Prompt: 'cold'.

RATING: general audiences

PAIRINGS: Sherlock Holmes/Molly Hooper

STATUS: complete

LINK AO3 ⬇️

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF US (DAY 18: CHANGE)

THE SANDMAN FANFIC

SUMMARY

In the wake of Morpheus’ death, Johanna Constantine, Hob Gadling meet in a dream at the Green Dragon Tavern, where Nuala the Fairy works. They discuss the influence that Morpheus had on their lives and the love they had for him, as well as their remorses. Despite being unable to change himself, he changed them, mostly for the best.

Written as a contribution to Sandtober2023.

RATING: general audiences

PAIRINGS: references to past Morphanna, Dreamling, Sandflower and beginning of... Nualanna? (Johanna/Nuala)

TW: several mentions of a major character's death (Morpheus)

STATUS: complete

LINK AO3

BITTER SWEET LULLABY (DAY 4: FAE)

THE SANDMAN FANFIC

SUMMARY

Once upon a time, eons before Titiana became queen of Faery, Dream of the Endless -called Lord Shaper by the Fair Folk-, fell in love with a princess fae named Eleanora. While Dream has just learned that Fiddler's Green, the heart of the Dreaming, fled for the Waking World, he finds comfort in his memory of a happy moment he shared one day with the fae in the fields of Fiddler's Green, as well as the lullaby she sang to her.

Written as a contribution to Sandtober2023.

RATING: general audiences

TW: none

STATUS: complete

LINK AO3

RISE AND SHINE

THE SANDMAN/SWEETBITTER CROSSOVER

SUMMARY

It's just a short, sad but also sweet story where Jake is lost in a nightmare where he's haunted by old ghosts of his, memories of his past he needs to leave behind to finally move on. Morpheus, Dream of the Endless, is here to guide him through the darkness into the light so he can rise, and shine.

RATING: general audience

TW: references to suicide, abuse and grooming

STATUS: complete

Link AO3

LOST SOULS

A SWEETBITTER FANFICTION

SUMMARY

On Valentine's Day, Mina arrived to New York City from Los Angeles with a bag full of trauma and a half empty suitcase for only baggage. She flew to the Big Apple to see a friend and take a break from a toxic relationship, and hoped to leave a painful past that kept haunting her behind her.

Nothing went as planned, but as Mina began to think that going so far away from home was a mistake, she met a handsome stranger in a nightclub. Jake was nice, fun, incredibly sexy and apparently available. What could possibly go wrong?

RATING: explicit

PAIRING: Jake x OC

TW: references to suicide, rape, abuse, grooming and cheating

STATUS: work in progress

AO3 link

SOUNDTRACK ON SPOTIFY

THE SANDMAN META

Overture: is Dream the only one to remember?

Am I an idiot or... (Dream and food)

Could Jessamy be the first Vortex?

Hob Gadling's forgotten wives and girlfriends

Fandom and misogyny (Endless Nights spoilers)

BBC SHERLOCK META

The lying detective: self-hatred and acceptance of abuse

[mrswagtastic]

can you explain what about outliars reminds you of cartman? i enjoy south park but ive not seen enough of it to understand that post lol

Sorry for such a late rely but of course I'd love to!! To me atleast alot of the lyrics really remind me of and match his character, so I'll go through some here:

- "Did you know that the hole in the apple didn't come from the outside in? It was eaten from the core and out to the skin and that's why you'll never find the worm in it" - this one makes me think about how alot of the reasons Cartman is the way he is is because of his family, such as his mom being an enabler for his bad behaviour and self-centered attitudes, or the rest of his family just being AWFUL like dude didn't have much hope from the start. It could also symbolise how on the outside, Cartman can play an innocent kid act to get his way if wanted, and so it's harder to see him for he truly is.

- "Well this disease is defined by its treatment You people make me sick" - Cartmans just genuine hatred for pretty much everyone around him and how he constantly blames others instead of taking responsibility for what he's done

- Why's you come into this world Or come out that way? - Cartmans narrow view on the human experience and how he's unable to understand perspectives or people different than himself, such as him hating other races or cultures. I imagine him saying this to someone lol

- "I am the shadows cast aside by gallows And you, the red-hot sky" - Cartman is a very yknow shady guy and is usually told by others to go away or excluded, such as when they all ignored him after he ate the chicken skin, and the red-hot sky is Kyle because well he's Kyle

- "And if you're believers, then why Would you grieve for the dead Instead of a devil that you never prayed for?" - reminds me of how the other boys complain about Cartman being awful, yet its shown that in post covid he gets better because he left them, showing that they make him worse and are the ones causing said issue here.

- "You've become immune to my toxic fumes, my Dose-dependent presence in your life" - how the other boys have all become somewhat used to Cartman by now, that his toxicity is pretty normal for them and so they're just not surprised anymore, almost tired of him, and so usually able to wuickly shut down or refuse his tactics when he tried to get them all involved in a scheme.

- "Too weird to love, too scared to die" - Cartmans too awful of a person to ever truly be loved, and despite trying to act scary he is quite weak in reality, as shown with how easily he gets injured and starts sobbing when given a light tap

- "Horrified at the sight of my reflection in your eyes" - this makes me think of moments that other characters have acted or been called Cartman-esque, such as Kyle when he joined the cracks baby athletics association and kept trying to justify it, or Heidi after she'd turned into basically the girl version of Cartman.

- "Who'd want to belong to anyone? I mean, what do people even do?" - this line makes me think of how when Cartman git an akexa, he started falling out of love with Heidi, since his desire to have control and love was nor being fulfilled by a machine, and he didn't need her anymore

- "I doubt that you would Even if you could change" - Cartman is seen as. A lazy irredeemable monster that's unable to change, and especially I the new post-covid timeline, he peibably never will even if given the chance now

I hope this has helped you to understand my vision!! Obviously you don't have to agree with this it's simply my own interpretation and a product of having both a South Park special interest and a Will Wood special interest at the same time lmao. Honestly even just the music itself feels very like Cartman to me, something that starts off quite innocent but as it goes on you see more and more of those dark undertones, and it could be seen as quite comedic yet villainous music if that makes sense? Heck even the title of the song reminds me of him because of Cartmans often hypocritical and deceitful nature lol. Anyways hope this helped! Sorry if it's confusing I'm awful at explaining my thoughts so lemme know if you need any clarification on anything!!

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP2. Replay Part 6

Rosa seems to be having enough of team Yasu's shit though, I don't think this is part of the script she's just tired of all the games.

Most the vitrol Rosa spreads is hatred at herself too, of course.

Oh yeah, she's definitely done with their shit. Rosa never trusted Team Yasu much anyway, but by now she definitely 100% her safety is not guaranteed. Eva was much more naive in that sense, going so far as going to sleep calmly in her room bc she assumed being an accomplice guaranteed her safety.

Seems Gohda is trying to take heat off Shannon here to guarantee his safety.

Haha, even now Maria is trying to goad Battler into what Yasu really wants him to do...

Her talk about being their mother feels very ingenuine compared to Natsuhi... Natsuhi really was trying to protect them Rosa more or less left both George and Jessica to die.

I wish that was true Battler...

Aaaaa Battler you are so sweet. Also Rosa is throwing so much vitriol at the servants - which again is her own self-hatred shining through. She's as much of a dirty accomplice as them.

I was pretty harsh on Battler on ep1 but I kind of want to hug him right now.

Shannon has uh, told George a lot hasn't she? Guess she was trying to ease into more serious issues but George dismissing it as silly girl things made her not go further.

Hahah guess he is freaking out about the Shannon/Kanon/Yasu revelation too.

Thought this was part of the script since I thought Gohda knowing that was kind of odd... but all the servants start kind of freaking out about the change of plans so it seems that it is not. Guess it's just a story that got passed around after Natsuhi mentioned it once or when someone noticed it cleaning her room.

Or uh, kill Kumasawa and Nanjo.

She does, though, her losing is what she wants!

Haha.... Yasu think that's the best possible outcome but as we see in EP7 that's really not any better...

Yeah Battler, you are working on understanding her! Battler's honestly pretty sweet, as soon as he has any reason to believe someone he takes it.... which is also a weakness of his.

He doesn't see Beatrice like that yet, though.... but of course next chapter he does too.

BATTLER REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE - Beatrice

"Trying to suck Shannon in" into becoming Beatrice, of course.

Guess George had to grasp with the Shannon/Beatrice stuff a little since Gohda was killed first...

It's kinda interesting seeing which scenes strike me the most compared to 2019 when I originally read it... during that time I had a lot of issues with my mom who is a single mother so a lot of the Rosa/Maria scenes were really hard to go through... in the meantime I have a better relationship with her than before and have made peace with a lot of stuff, but in that time I have gotten sex trauma and I won't go into more detail than needed but I am unable to perform sexually as I would before... it's really hard to read this scene now because I can really relate to what Yasu is going through. You can see how she doesn't believe love is possible with her limited ability of sex and the issues with her body.

The part of Yasu that believes love can still be achieved and that she deserves love with the body she is cracking down to the assault from her mind that says she's disgusting and can never achieve love and that any love she receives is just from her lies and illusions...

This is the contrasting scene I was thinking of in EP1, where Natsuhi tries to make sure opening the door is safe for everyone... Rosa just basically lets Battler risk getting killed.

I doubt there was much of a fight here to be honest... I imagine Yasu just shot Gohda and a very shocked George swiftly. So all this mess must be Yasu being frantic after killing George.

Oh, Rosa definitely thinks Shannon is alive and just playacting and stopped Battler from investigating her corpse. He definitely confirms her death for the audience, conveniently enough. Of course, her stake is on the floor because she can't gouge her own forehead after shooting herself.

Obviously she's right and Genji IS a wolf... but again trusting Rosa as she is in this chapter is very hard.

Haha fuck you Rosa. She was obviously the one to place the letter and then shew drives Battler out with it.

Again, all her remarks about hating someone that would sell out for money are thinly veiled self-hatred rants.

Oh yeah, this is definitely Yasu's script, guess this was a last fuck you to Battler for not figuring out the plot.

[oblark1454]

I think self hatred is after all what others can't understand no matter what.

It's not about the depression or insecurity. My stepmom tells me about so many people with depression who are well and happy now but what makes a person unable to move forward is the disgust and hate they have for themselves.

I don't mean just hating some parts of yourself or feeling insecure i mean the burning anger that takes over anything else you might feel and controls your action over other people as well sometimes.

I hated myself for years. I hated myself so much i couldn't calm down if i didn't slice my skin open as deep as possible. It wouldn't be enough to just hurt myself i needed to feel enough pain to not be able to think anymore.

For so long at this point i wished to be raped and beaten and hated. I tried to do the things i feared the most because those would cause more damage.

And i find myself at this point in time unafraid of much if anything. I could go out and let myself get beaten black and blue at any time with no fear. I would drown myself right now if i could and i would be happy for just making myself suffer like that.

Maybe you can get over depression and insecurities with pills and some work but such a deep rooted hatred for oneself is not so easy to solve. It comes from years and years of neglect and abuse.

I don't even know what i am saying anymore... These days i feel like just an edgy teen who only says cringe things all the time and doesn't understand the consequences of their own actions.

I guess i have always been that. I don't think i can change it anymore at this point. Even the kindest words from the people i love the most pass me by no matter how hard i try to take them in

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi, I’m not really sure what I’m going for here, I just kind of want advice about something hope that’s alright. I have a friend, we’d be classified as best friends I suppose - if I’m giving myself that lenience. We’ve known each other since we were really young, been through our worst times together etc etc. I always have this fear that deep down inside she doesn’t actually like me anymore and only keeps me around because she’s too nice and is worried she’d be inadvertently responsible for anything I would do after revealing this (which would be nothing, but still). I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m that full to the brim with self hatred and not capable of understanding why anyone would want to stay because I’m no fun to be around and more of a burden then what I’m worth. I’m always just sad, though I do usually hide it pretty well, I’m sure I’m not as fun to be around as someone who’s genuinely happy or has their shit together majority of the time. We never really hang out anymore, which is in part down to work schedules conflicting, but also she never really asks to - and when she does it always feels like it’s when I’m in a noticeably distressed state. She usually takes days/weeks/sometimes months to respond to my texts, which isn’t exclusive to just me and I’ve let her know I don’t mind the delays cause usually it’s mental health related and I feel that, but the seed of doubt is always there and just seems to grow more and more over time.

I love her very much, and I wouldn’t want to feel like she’s dragging this out for herself just to spare my feelings - I’ve spoken to her about it before and told her it’d be fine if she wanted to leave and that I understand, but she always reaffirms that she does like me and isn’t just putting up with me - I just don’t feel like I ever fully believe it. It’s not a matter of not trusting her to be honest with me, I’m just not used to having good people in my life who actually want to be around or love me and I’m kinda conditioned to believe I’m not worth shit (kuddos to parental emotional neglect, childhood ptsd and past abusive relationships 🤌). I also know her too well to realise even if she did absolutely despise me she would never say it and still treat me like her friend, hence why I’m conflicted between if it’s just me overreacting, or if it is the case she’s tired of me.

Idk, am I just having a really bad bout of self hatred or is she too nice for her own good? Cause I’m not sure anymore. Any advice would be appreciated, whatever you can give

Hey, nonnie ❤️ I'm sorry this has been going on. For what it's worth, I can tell you childhood ptsd and neglect have also made me feel this way about friends before, so I hope you know you're not alone. It's true that these life experiences can make you feel worthless of love, affection, care and genuine human connection.

Something my therapist said a few years ago regarding the feeling that your friends secretly hate you, and that helped to hear, was that it's not your responsibility to tell when others are lying to you. Once you ask them to be honest with you about how they feel about you, what they reply is their choice and their responsibility, and not yours. Even if they are lying, they're the ones who have to work through their issue of being unable to let go of people—it's not you who gets to decide that they do indeed hate you and act accordingly so as not to hurt them. The best thing you can do is respect their choice, and trust that if they chose to tell you they want you in their life it's because they genuinely wanted to say that. And if they didn't... again, that's their issue to worry about, not yours.

This helped me personally because it helped me change the focus of my thoughts, so instead of trying to read other people's minds and overanalyse every single interaction in search for clues that proved my fears right (like my ptsd had trained me to do), I found myself focusing on communication, on asking honest questions, and then on accepting what they communicated to me as the only thing that's my responsibility to take into account moving forward. My therapist called this "drawing the responsibility line".

I also had a conversation about this with my new therapist and what she said was slightly different, but also helpful to me: she said that when we decide for others what they really think about us, we're taking away their agency to decide what they think about us for themselves. And don't our friends deserve to make their own choices about how they feel about us? Why are we trying to make that choice for them?

I know I'm not explaining it as well as either of them did, but I hope some of this still helps to hear. Sending a virtual hug ❤️

[seancecircles]

season 3 thoughts under the cut ! spoilers for the entire thing.

I'm a little exhausted today, because tua3 took a lot out of me, but I'm feeling mostly positive.

None of the Brellies were sideline, which was really nice, and I would say I really enjoyed Klaus, Luther and Diego the most this season. Especially Klaus - god, my heart broke a few times.

I think in general my issues are that the initial setup was interesting enough on its own. The idea of a Sparrow Ben and is compelling enough to last as a season arc tackling the kids familial trauma, or at least be a story, but the season seemed to give up on the Sparrow idea early on. I don't mind that so many of them die so quickly, but Fei was wasted. This could and should be compelling enough on its own.

That being said, I loved what we did get. Loved the change between trying to navigate a new timeline and initial rivalry, to then trying to fix a paradox together, then ultimately nihilism, then Reggie's plan.

Allison did some awful things these seasons. I don't know how to feel. Her feelings and emotions and arc are all so justified considering she used to mention in 1 and 2 how awful and dependent on her powers she used to be. She's never been the perfectly healthy, positive person she's tried to force herself to be. And especially considering her trauma and the way she's been unable to express her emotions, I think it's a compelling and justified ones. But I think it sucks that the most significant female character on the show, especially as a black woman, has been put in a position where her arc is causing a lot of instant hatred. I think the scene with Luther absolutely does count as sexual assault, but could have been portrayed a lot better. To me, her wording of 'you want me' is meant to be lonely and isolated rather than sexual, but it's still sexual assault and not handled well within the show. But still, I think people are using "she sexually assaulted Luther" as a way to fight against any possible defence, compassion or explanation for her actions. What she did in the show was not okay in the slightest, and I think the writing DID throw her to the wolves in the sense that now she's seen as irredeemable to a lot of fans. It's messy, I don't know what to think. Emmy Raver-Lampman did a phenomenal job though, and I found her character so compelling.

Klaus. So much better handled than season 2. It's an interesting mix where they didn't go a super angsty route with him, but he felt very true to the character we saw in season 1. He's still Klaus, roping Five along on a road trip for his own purposes, but he's also still intensely compassionate, this time to his own detriment. Seeing his relationship with Reginald both warmed and broke my heart. I think it was so wonderful to watch Klaus try and tackle his own pain and trauma head-on, as well as genuinely help Reginald, only to get cast aside the moment he's not considered useful anymore. I'm glad to see Klaus develop his powers but I'm also so glad that we see Klaus in wonderful ways that aren't tied to that. I especially loved the scene where he spoke to Sparrow Ben about Umbrella Ben, being the one person to not treat his Ben as an angel. I like that Klaus's power development story arc wasn't like... the big hero moment to save the day or anything inconsistent and big, but a very self-focused thing that has its VERY important uses during what goes down. His dynamic with Luther was especially wonderful.

Luther is my second fave character and GOD. God I sobbed a few times. Genuinely believed they'd killed him in episode 9. What a lovely, sad, tragic arc for him. I don't have much I want to say but Klaus and Luther (and possibly Ben) feel like they've been set up for a s4 dynamic that I am super, super excited for.

I also loved Lila a lot more in season 3. Think that this was a great way to take her character after season 2. Diego of course I adore. Viktor was handled well and I loved to see him happy and included, and I also enjoy that they're taking the show in a direction where his actions are getting called to question, even though we see how much his siblings love him. Watching him bond with Luther especially was so lovely. But YES yes I loved him!!!

But anyway I loved the season. Very much always buzzing with new ideas. Can't believe this post was mostly about Allison but, y'know...

If anyone would like to talk, I'm very much all season 3 thoughts all of the time.

[radiant-rebellion]

Forgotten

I'm finding it harder than ever to get out of bed. To actively participate in my life is of no interest to me anymore.

Sleep is the only way I am able to escape this personal hell I've created for myself. I haven't had sunlight touch my skin in over 3 weeks. Probably longer but time is distorted here. The days seems to last forever but the years are passing quickly.

To quote Ruth Awad, "Bassam"

"Each morning I wake up a little crueler.

Each morning my heart is a vulture, beating its wings for scraps"

When I am awake, I am hostile, pissed off I'm still here. Yet do nothing to change it.

D I S G U S T E D with everything about myself & the path I've chosen that led me here.....

Nobody gives a fuck if you're sad. If they can't see your hurt does it really exist? I've found that instead of help most offer cruelty. very rarely have i seen compassion, first hand.

It's the aspects of human behavior I'm unable to understand that seem to eat away at my core.

The way some people are only concerned with the way that they're perceived by others. Polishing up the exterior to distract from the vile within.

I wonder what made them so ugly. Are they born that way or is it an acquired skill. Crafted with every foul word spoken. I assume the root cause for this behavior is due to the consuming self hatred. Pointing out everyone else's flaws and mistakes to distract from their bull shit.

I've often wondered what people like that think about on a daily basis. What triggers these mother fuckers to spew lies about others with no regard to the implications it may have on their target of interest.

I know, in the grand scheme of things these are miniscule problems one may encounter. Just curious i suppose about the human condition.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Abstract thoughts: part 1

What if nothing exists beyond what I can perceive.

It is wild to me that there are so many people on earth. Each living their own, separate, individually unique lives at the same time.

Nobody will ever experience life in the same way. We may go down similar paths but the way life is perceived varies for each person. Leaving me to wonder if what I consider reality real to someone else.

For example, I've always been told that the great wall exists, or the pyramids of Gezia stands in Egypt. The only evidence of their existence being pictures & videos and stories about their construction. But I've never witnessed either with my own eyes. (Not denying their existence at all)

[writing-how-i-feel]

Painfully lost.

I think most of what I am going to say will be true for many people but I don't see a way forward in my life. I am past the point where I need to be a self sustaining person who can function without the help of others. I should have become good at this a decade ago but I didn't, or maybe couldn't. But here I am needing help from others to keep on existing.

I often imagine the ways I change who I am to be a independent individual but falling short would be an immense understatement for when I try to be that person. I feel very weak and pathetic that I need someone to remind me to set a reminder to turn off a stove or oven, to close a fridge, turn off a sink, close or lock a door, or even eat sometimes. It feels like my mind too often exists so far from this world that I can't realize these mistakes. I am sure that I am, to some degree, aware of the sound of water running or the heat of the oven; Why won't my mind take notice?

A continued truth for me is that I feel mentally so far away from my own life. I can't remember details of my time alone from day to day. I feel incapacitated and unable to do many simple tasks. The noise of my intrusive thoughts make it hard to focus. Physically I feel overwhelmed; I feel like my ribs are going to crack inward from a pressure I am not sure is real, heart beats painfully, a never-ending pain behind the bridge of my eyebrows, and no matter how slow and deliberate I breath I feel suffocated. The medications I get put on never work no matter how many years of switching between them. The hours of exercise only makes my body feel further from my mind. I can envision small steps towards my goals but that only causes self loathing in my failures to achieve those tiny steps forward.

I try to do all that the doctors, therapists, and friends/family suggest. Why am I this way? Why does the maze of clouds my mind resides in even exist? Can the hatred I feel in my failing the worlds expectations of what it means to be a human let me be so that I may have a moment of rest? I just want to be better. Please.

[gayleefiora]

just had a significant realization. all this time i spend wishing i could help you or take back what i said or like... assuming that how much i love you should correlate to some ability to help you isn’t in line with the future i want for us.  here’s the problem as i see it now: i did help you. so much. you said it constantly, i see that it is true. you helped me to the same degree, but you don’t see it that way, because your self-loathing and sense of unworthiness is much more severe than mine, because i have been working on this for so long. you don’t (or didn’t) have the ability to see how amazing you are and how much your existence has helped me. so it feels highly uneven to you, which is then compounded by severe trauma.  so the more compassionate or wanting to help i am, the worse the imbalance feels to you, which only makes you feel worse.  i got where i am by fighting thru this hard, hard shit with almost no one by my side- certainly no one who would give me answers or support when i needed it. the universe wanted me to learn. i could only do that on my own, and only on my own could i gain the riches of it. you are on a similar journey. for me to deny that would be to rob you of your right to power, to self-sufficiency, to loving yourself. the only way we will ever be equal is if we both love ourselves independently of any feeling about each other. if we are living the lives we want having built them from the ground up, rather than feeling reliant on anyone else. since we both struggle with self-loathing, that’s been very hard; each of us unable to understand why the other would love us when we see a monster where they see an angel.  but if we were in contact, it wouldn’t be better. its not better for you to feel any kind of obligation to me, and even if that’s not what i mean when i offer help, that’s what you feel and that’s not what either of us want. i have to have faith. in you, in myself, in the universe. if it is love to the degree of which i think of it, then it has a chance. but i have to stop seeing your commitment to yourself as somehow slighting me. i have to understand you in the context of yourself, and not in the context of how i think of you. & you have to do the same for me, take me off the pedestal. you don’t need me, and that’s a good thing. i don’t need you- but i love you. the energy has not been destroyed or changed form. however, me compulsively reaching out wanting to be in contact goes against the rules of the universe and this seems to be understood better by you than me. understanding it is not grounded in your hatred of me makes it make a lot more sense. you have never hated me. you have loved me in spite of everything within you and outside of you telling you love is a lie, is impossible, is only pain and betrayal. you loved me when you felt nothing.  it makes sense. i hate it, but it makes sense. i miss you so terribly, i love you so much, but hearing those things isn’t helpful to you, because you do not love you the way i love you. not yet. i think/hope you are getting there. i hope the universe is taking care of you the same way it took care of me. the learning is so hard.  miss you <3 love you <3 but me being near you is not helpful because i am not what you need. you are what you need. i am what i need. being in line with our destinies is what we both need. if we can live that as truth then there is a chance- i have faith in that

[wiw3]

The Unclean Spectator

A goddamn slob is what I am. I’m feeling pretty negative about self-image right now and unfortunately the world is going to have to be a victim of it without any real victimizing. I’m just going to be yelling at you, picturing myself on your face, because that’s how I hate. I hate others by hyperextending my own proboscis that has a sticky-note on it with a crude drawing that looks like me. I stick that drawing of me to someone’s forehead, then it obscures and they look like me.

That’s the only time I’m able to yell. The only time I’m able to muster enough energy to bellow, is when I’m being treated so much like myself as a human, that I can’t express it by any means other than volumetrically and with many decibels.

THE DECI-BELL TOLLS FOR THEE- Alright, that was cheap, but that was fun. The fact is that I just don’t like the way my brain doesn’t do what I want it to, half the time. The consistency, and even worse, my knowledgeable consistency related to, and exemplative of this concept, is something I can’t escape.

In laymen’s terms, it’s a snake that keeps feeding into itself. As I am unwilling or unable to change, so too is my brain scratching itself against the walls of my calcium-concocted-cranium, cold-cocked cutely to cradle concomitant, crushing cushioning. My brain’s being smothered by self-image and tongue-twisters.

I need to spew it here because there’s nowhere else to spew it. As I continue to talk, to socialize, I continue to feel ostracized, like an outsider. If I’m made to feel that way by society, then perhaps that’s what I am. An observer. I seek only to observe and watch. I’m no voyeur, unless you count being one to the human experience. I see everything as a learning experience, every one as a learning experience.

All the world’s a classroom, but I’m not quite sure who the professor is. Is it God? Is it me? Am I God? It’s impossible to know without extensive research, and I don’t like to be disturbed. I slumber as a voyeur, and tell myself that I’m studying. It’s okay, I’m just learning. That’s all any of us are ever doing.

In truth, I’m under six feet tall, over two hundred pounds, and hating myself for it. I don’t seek to fish for body-positivity, I’m a slovenly mess. More cushion for the pushin’, I suppose. More weight for the ingrate. Alright, this shit isn’t making sense anymore. I need to get my shit back on the wagon.

Consistent, flowing self-hatred that is a part of me in the same fashion that breathing is. Autonomic, flowing, steady, but will one day stop. Not today, not any time soon, idyllically. I hate myself, but I don’t wish to exterminate myself from this planet, anymore. I’ve learned to exist concurrently with both the fact that I have things to do before I die, and the musk-filled underwear I’ve been clung into for days on end, trying to write a TV show, or to even find a job.

I’m surrounded in water bottles, cans of sweet tea and pieces of paper with ideas scrawled on them in shorthand, half-crumpled to create an aesthetic. I need to focus on the substance of my work, on the insecurities that come with working on a TV show that I don’t feel qualified to be making, but I know I am, and can do a good job on it.

The belief I have in myself to figure it out, because it’s something I want to do, more than anything else, is astounding. It’s a dream. A true, American dream. I’m scared, though, as everyone else in the world is, on the precipice of following their dreams. Do I dare take a job working under my father on cars for the rest of my natural-born life? Inherit the store that he owned and hope to have some semblance of a collected life?

That’s too easy... That’s not what I was put on this planet to do...

[bowie-boy]

please tell me how the narrator is a trans man

@originalpatrolsheep @undeadbreeze I’m @ing you here because I actually received this ask first!

FIGHT CLUB SPOILERS BELOW

Without further ado, here is my explanation as to how Fight Club is a trans metaphor!

The Narrator is a trans man

At the beginning of the film, the narrator is an insomniac and is wildly depressed. He can’t sleep. He starts visiting a center for men with testicular cancer. This is where he meets Bob, a man with no testicles and with breasts. Despite this, Bob is still seen as a man. It’s only in Bob’s arms that the Narrator, saying “We are still men,” can cry and therefore sleep. The Narrator feels gender euphoria when he is with Bob, a cis man with feminine features who is still considered male.

Everything changes when Marla Singer, a woman, begins to attend the same centers as the Narrator. It is only when she arrives that the Narrator feels like an impostor there and becomes hyperaware of his own lies amongst the people at the centers. Therefore, the Narrator cannot cry anymore and can no longer sleep. (In real life, some trans people may feel uncomfortable spending time with those that are the opposite gender as them for fear of being seen as part of that group and getting misgendered, which is partially what I believe spooks the Narrator here.)

Marla Singer represents the Narrator’s relationship with his own femininity, something he unwillingly ties to his dysphoria. Despite his love-hate relationship with her throughout the film, she remains one of his staunchest allies and is perhaps the only thing keeping him grounded in who he is and who he used to be throughout the film.

Shortly after meeting Marla, the Narrator meets (creates) Tyler Durden. Tyler describes himself to the Narrator later in the film: “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look. I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” Trans much? Tyler Durden is the idealized cis man, the prototype for masculinity that everyone in society is fed at an early age. (These representations affect and even especially affect trans men.) Tyler is the standard that the Narrator’s internalized transphobia makes him feel like he must live up to, or else he isn’t a real man.

The Narrator’s relationship with Tyler eventually leads to the creation of Fight Club, a hub of toxic masculinity that attracts all sorts of men. All of them have one thing in common—they want to prove themselves. Tyler repeatedly says that the men in Fight Club are “the most manly men” he has ever seen, a wonderfully effective way for the Narrator to validate himself. What’s more, no women are allowed. The Narrator doesn’t have to face his own femininity in Fight Club, and he doesn’t have to face that side of his dysphoria.

It’s around this point in the movie that Tyler and Marla become involved in a sexual relationship. This is symbolic in itself in the sense that the Narrator’s internalized transphobia is “dominating” his femininity and dysphoria. Even more important is the fact that the Narrator can never see Tyler and Marla in the same room. This is because, to the Narrator, they cannot coexist. The Narrator can no longer comprehend his masculinity and his femininity coexisting in him. He can deal with one or the other at one time, but he forgets that he can have both at once. The Narrator himself believes that neither is taking over his life and neither is being lost. This is what ultimately leads to his downfall.

(This is a little unrelated but it’s important to note that the solution of Tyler and toxic masculinity never helps the Narrator sleep as well as the centers at the beginning of the film did. The Narrator learns that he was never sleeping when he was with Tyler, he was just taking on a new side of himself. Internalized transphobia also led the Narrator to self-harm in many ways (the chemical burn, the fighting, the car crash). Hypermasculinity was not a helpful solution.)

It’s at this point in the film that the ongoing symbol of testicles (I know it sounds silly but hear me out) shows up again. This time, testicles are not something trivial on a man that have nothing to do with his masculinity and maleness. They are used as a threat. Tyler and some members of his army meet up with an official in the city, someone who challenges their ability to destroy buildings and public works. Tyler makes the official an offer: he can save his city or he can save his balls. The official chooses the latter. This is incredibly telling, as the men the Narrator associated with at the beginning of the film had no choice but to remove their testicles. This didn’t make them any less manly in the eyes of the Narrator. Now, though, the Narrator’s own projected sense of internalized transphobia presents a strong message: testicles are important to your status as a man.

It’s shortly after this that the Narrator views Tyler Durden’s relationship with Angel Face, someone who can be described as nothing else but a pretty boy. Tyler, despite being the epitome of toxic and hypermasculinity, respects and adores the somewhat feminine Angel Face. How does the Narrator react? By beating Angel Face until he is bloody and fully disfigured. This represents the Narrator’s resentment of society’s treatment of trans men. The Narrator does not see himself in Angel Face the way that he once saw himself in Bob. He feels that cis men can easily balance femininity and masculinity, that these two things can coexist without an issue for them. For trans men, masculinity must win out, or else society (or at the very least internalized transphobia) will never accept them. Tyler drives the Narrator much harder than Angel Face with much less payoff, and so the Narrator must destroy Angel Face as revenge.

The Narrator seems to have everything he wants until Bob shows up in the film again. The Narrator asks Bob if he’s still attending the centers they met at, to which Bob replies no—he’s now joined Fight Club. At first, this is validating for the Narrator. Bob is feminine still, with no testicles and large breasts, but he’s still considered man enough for Fight Club. The Narrator more or less lets Tyler (AKA unchecked toxic masculinity) do what he likes with Bob. This ends with Bob getting killed. In fact, Bob’s brains are blown out as he tries to follow one of Tyler’s orders. Bob represented a chance at normalcy for the Narrator, proof that men with breasts and without balls were worth just as much as other men. But Bob dies at the hands of the Narrator’s toxic masculinity, and it is this event that leads the Narrator to realize just how much he’s lost to his own feelings of inadequacy.

It’s at this point that the Narrator starts to question his toxic masculinity and his internalized transphobia. He realizes that he’s no longer even himself anymore, just a copy-and-pasted blueprint of the man society has told him that he should be. He can’t recognize himself anymore, can’t keep track of what he really feels and what he only tries to, and he realizes that he needs to end his hypermasculinity before it’s too late.

There’s only one person the Narrator can turn to to get his old self back: Marla. He visits her, apologizing for his behavior towards her. He even tells her that deep down, he really really likes her. This is a big moment for the Narrator. He admits here that his feminine side isn’t something he despises, but rather something he fears getting close to. The other important thing is that Tyler, who was once sleeping with Marla and deeply invested in her, now views her as a threat. The Narrator’s femininity threatens to overtake his masculinity, his dysphoria and euphoria threaten to overrule his internalized masculinity. Tyler wants to destroy Marla, and the Narrator wants to protect her.

For the last time in this film, the symbol of testicles appears. This solidifies how far the Narrator has fallen, how deeply he’s lost himself to self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. Upon trying to destroy Tyler’s plan, Tyler’s army of men turns on the Narrator and tells him they’re going to cut off his balls. To them and to Tyler, this represents that the Narrator has turned against his brothers, his maleness. The loss of his testicles will show this to everyone. The Narrator, horrified, manages to escape this fate, but without his pants. He spends the final act in his underwear, somewhat symbolic of the trans body he’s worked so hard to achieve and has spent so much of the film despising.

At last, the final fight of the film. The Narrator faces off with Tyler, and must attempt to regain control of his own head. The Narrator struggles at first, unable to accept the fact that him and his internalized transphobia are one in the same, and that he has the power to overrule it. Finally giving into himself, the consequences of his actions, and the messiness of gender and his own expression as a human being, the Narrator takes control and shoots himself. With this, Tyler dies, and so does the Narrator’s internalized transphobia. His toxic masculinity is no more. He’s given himself permission to display his masculinity as much as he wants, and in any way he wants. Internalized transphobia has power over him no more.

Marla then enters the room. She expresses concern for him, the simple Narrator she met at the beginning of the film now so torn up and injured. This is representative of the Narrator’s past pre-transition self looking at his most transitioned self. He’s bruised and broken, a lot different than before. But he insists that he’s okay, and he truly means it. The Narrator is now more himself than ever. It’s in this confidence that the Narrator’s takes Marla’s hand, finally accepting his own femininity, dysphoria, and the full scope of his gender expression. “You met me at a very strange time in my life.”

In a final image, the buildings all around the Narrator and Marla explode and collapse, leaving nothing behind. The Narrator could not stop this total destruction. But the film does not make this a sad moment. It’s rather somewhat wistful, perhaps even hopeful. The Narrator had to destroy himself in order to be reborn as his full and true self. A rebirth. Isn’t that was being trans is?

Thank you for the ask! I hope you enjoy my analysis :)

[diedbutterflies69]

Will you stay?- Bang Chan imagine.

Contains: friends to lovers au. , Divorce, smut, fluff, blindfolding, oral sex, explicit sexual stuff etc . Minors don't interact.

Never once on your life, you thought you could get your shit together and laugh genuinely at the worst in world. falling out of love is worse but it's even more worse if it's your it's not you who fell out of love. Married at 22 and the honeymoon phase hardly lasted for a year and by the age of 26 got yourself labelled as a woman who sabotaged her own marriage in thirst of money. Your ex husband was bitter about your success even before you got married. He thought as a woman, you just did bare minimum and got yourself a high positioned rank by sleeping with one of the rich rags. You tried hard enough to hold on to that rotten red string , but he had the scissors and just cut you off. You weren't willing to sacrifice your career just because of his Immature mindset, yes you loved him, but can't a women love her own hard achieved success more? That's the question you wished to ask everyone who pointed there fingers at you. After divorce you didn't feel pain just numbness. Your self-hatred coming more stronger than ever, even hating the job, you tried Saving since years, getting life on track seemed impossible and at the end just quitted. Moved out of the city just to move back to your home town, the root of your real pain. It wasn't really a town but rather a more flashy city, expensive shits which you were unable to afford in childhood but now it wasn't any big deal. Earth is round and sometimes precious people find you all by themselves. Your highschool friend, the only friend you had throughout your lifetime because of your anti social tactics.

Bang Chan, the social butterfly who almost knew every single student in whole school, he was the hottest guy you ever saw in your life and also the kindest. You had crush on him even before you both were friends, he was your senior,used to help you with those shitty math sums, crack jokes every now and then and scolded you whenever you procrastinated. He came to congratulate you even on your graduation day, even though there were many more students whom he met you were still glad atleast someone bought you a beautiful bouquet of tulips and bellflower. The last time you saw him was before you moved out in search of cheap collages without informing him, as you thought you were just one of many friends he had and won't ever notice someone like you existed.

But god, how much wrong you were.

You met Chan after almost 9 years in convince store and his reaction was almost priceless , like finding treasure. He was now more handsome, beautiful and god-like even after all this years his style of dressing didn't Changed much, he still looked like Kim Kardashian at 2021 met Gala. nevertheless his smile still had those healing properties with his Cresent moon eyes. He was absolutely stunning.

The first sentence he spoke after confirming your identity was 'I missed you' and then tons of lectures and questions . Knowing how narrow-minded you were he gasped dramatically. Cheesiest ways of saying how could I forget my best friend and so on. That day was probably the best day of your life and maybe even the day after years you really smiled. You both exchanged numbers and addresses and his home was just 10 minutes away from yours. Destiny indeed.

Now it's been over 7 months since you met Chan again and he never made you felt like you were just one of his 109 friends. Chan made you feel special, after knowing what kind of disaster you faced he was even more supporting of you, you both used to spend weekend together watching variety of shows and movies going to stargazing, best friend goals. After many years you knew even if Chan had many people to confide with he never really did. He was alone, just a night owl obsessed with work. You were happy. And he was happy too. Being just friends was enough for you, but not for him . He was slowly trying to find courage to confess his love to you. He liked you fuck from highschool days. He found you once randomly staring at him across the room and when you suddenly disappeared all his fantasies were scattered, he knew your dreams and was willing to help you with your every step. knowing how messed up your household was from your neighbours he felt guilty for not being able to give you happiness. He loved you, but was helded by his own insecurities.

Not anymore though, he wasn't the same coward who just stared at the love of his life from distance. Being the extra human he was, he bought you one of the most expensive restaurant of the whole country, man was loaded. After driving for almost 5 hours you both finally reached there .

Now a nervous Chan sitting infront of you. You being oblivious to the fact that he has a beautiful diamond ring and a confession to make. Chan handed you the menu card and every single dish had an extraordinary name, without much thought you placed the order.

"atleast tell me now, why are we here?" You asked the man infront of you who was behaving extra weird today, he looked sick and was occassionally asking you random questions.

"No reason, I was in mood for long drives and... You know have a nice meal" Chan said fidgeting with his fingers he was acting like a flustered high school guy it was clearly indicating that he was lying but you didn't really care, Chan was weird sometimes.

"Sounds fake, but okay. By the way you aren't sick right?" You asked Chan out of pure concern as he was sweating profusely even in an cold AC room.

"I am fine, just feeling a little hot. Don't worry", Chan said it was more like he was convincing himself that he was fine and shouldn't worry. He wasn't a teenager but a human with responsibilities who once again fell for someone out of his league, he used to think that and he still sees you as a literal goddess. While he was lost deep in his thoughts, the waiter came with food , and this was his opportunity to shoot his arrow. You both started eating and talked like being in paradise.

"did you liked anyone in highschool?", Chan asked you out of blue making you almost choke on food. The only person whom you liked throughout your highschool days was the guy sitting infront of you and you didn't really remembered much guys and the best answer was probably saying a lie with little truth.

"no one lol", you answered trying to sound chilled but since highschool crush topic was out you weren't able to keep your curiosity with yourself.

"What about you, liked someone?", You asked trying to sound nonchalant and not desperate and bitter.

This was the Exactly the conversation that Chan planned in his mind. And here started his way to either heaven or pit of rejection.

"I loved someone", Chan said and you this time you really choked from the depth of your heart, you thought Chan was anti romantic type of guy as he never talked about of his female friends with you or bragged about his non existent dating life. Trying again to not sound jealous or bitter you spoke again.

" Who was that lucky bit-- I mean girl yes girl? Who was she?", You asked, almost letting out the bitch loudly. You weren't sure but you saw Chan smiling cheekily, he was really getting old acting weird more and more everyday.

"Well... Someone from our school",Chan said and you swear you didn't made a disgusting face showing pure jealousy. The best human in your life and your first ever crush had crush on somebody, you didn't knew why you were feeling so fucking bitter but you weren't able to handle the curiosity anymore.

"Tell me her damn name", you asked Chan in a frustrating tone not being able to keep jealousy to yourself.

"Why you being angry", Chan asked followed by his small laugh.

"I am angry, just the food was a little spicy you answer me now, her name?", You answered Chan with your defenses up and still sticking with your previous question.

Chan in response got a little serious now,you thought he was being childish now, he wasn't a kid who was given a dare to name out his crush yet he was acting like one.

"You won't leave me right, I mean after I answer your question?", Chan asked you and you didn't knew what to say in response you were now a little sus about him.

"fine don't answer, keep secrets", you said and continued eating. The next thing Chan said made you now choke and die on food.

"I loved you and I still love you" Chan said looking down at the table head hanging down like his teenage self just confessed he watched porn infront of his parents. You were shocked, frozen and the your heartbeat 10x faster, you didn't knew how to react and tried to find humor in this extraordinary situation.

"Chan, you kidding right?", You asked Chan with a nervous smile on your face. Chan looked up at you , his eyes trying to find yours but you avoided the eye contact.

"I am serious, I liked you from HighSchool times, I saw you for the first time in library when you were looking at me, I swear you were so beautiful and even now after all this years after seeing you I can't, I can't help but fall for you all over again, sorry"

Chan confessed, his voice filled with sincerity and vulnerability his sentences were scattered here and there and incomplete explanation but still you understood everything he really poured his heart to you, you felt like crying even if you both weren't such stupid cowards back then, then today you won't have turned out a divorced women and Chan a guy who grew out lonely even if he had a world for him.

"What should I say Chan?", You asked Chan you were sounding like a girl whose bf told her to breakup even if the situation was exact opposite. Even if you love Chan , you didn't think about him reciprocating same feelings back to you. You were beyond insecure with your love emotions. One thing was sure you won't be able to love Chan without being a bundle on him. Your emotion Baggage was too big and you didn't want Chan to get his heart too with your stupid emotions.

"I love you and I will be really really good to you. Please try staying with me I will try really hard to earn space in your heart, please?" His confession was like literally begging. You weren't able to believe if he was real or not, if it was a dream that will end as soon as cruel morning comes, this felt like fantasy. Chan was a amazing man, he had everything money ,honour ,beauty a nice heart. He was like a character written by women so perfect so delicate yet strong, and he loves you this fact was enough for to lose your mind. but you thought you were a taint to his beauty, you were a character full of inferior complexes and a person too easy to dislike thats what illusion you made about yourself. A random extra in her own story.

"I will pay the bill, let's talk later", you said and walked away immediately to pay the bill leaving a clueless and disheartened human behind. Chan was able to see how you stopped yourself from saying love you too and throwing yourself in his arms. He wasn't same from HighSchool a guy who gets overwhelmed by his own emotions and gets unable to see others. He knew you had atleast a small space for him in your heart and to make a big room for himself he had to throw out all your insecurities and self hatred. He followed you like a lost puppy and he wanted to pay for food but you already did and now you were already out of restaurant searching for his car to get back.

Chan sitted beside you, without doing anything silence and awkward air surrounding you both.

"start the car", you said breaking down the silence, you were extremely worthless and trash as you made the only one person whom you love feel like nothing.

"Just answer me, will you try dating me please", Chan said his voice again passing draggers into your heart. Trying to form any logical explanation you spoke again.

"I am not looking for relationship right now, see Chan you are amazing, but I can't make you happy now and did you forgot that I am divorced, please understand" you said expressing your real insecurities and fear, fear of not being able to keep a man happy.

"you don't want relationship because you divorced that fucking trash of a man?", Chan asked he was getting frustrated you thought but he just wanted to make you happy and not deny what your heart wants.

"my mind isn't stable, I might just irritate you everytime with my mood, you will will get tired of me and leave me -- I don't want to be alone again I will die if you leave me", you confessed tears threatening to fall out of your eyes there wasn't any doubt that you loved Chan he filled the void in you in just months made you happy but you didn't wanted to just take and take and give nothing in return. Chan's hand found yours interlocking your fingers with so much delicateness that you might cry.

"you think so low of me, just stay by my side I will make you so happy that you will hardly get time to think about your past, trust me", Chan said his fingers slightly lifting your chin up to look into your eyes, you looked in his eyes filled with so much care and this was your last straw before breaking down in his arms.

"I love you, I love you so fuckin much, you were my first love my only friend, my everything, please-- please love me", you confessed tightening your arms around Chan, his scent making you feel safe and like home, his one caressing your hair and other wiping away the tears. Even though the scene was more like a dramatic clique scene whatever emotions you both felt was unexplainable.

"So you my girlfriend now hmm?"Chan asked you for first time in night his voice containing pure happiness and excitement.

"I have a sexy boyfriend", you said smiling from ear to ear against Chan's chest. The label boyfriend making your heart flutter, you didn't knew happiness like this can even exist.

"My love", Chan said his voice sweeter than honey, suddenly the night was more starry."now can we go home?" You asked Chan finally breaking the hug, reality hitted you now Home was 3- 4 hours away.

"I made a reservation in hotel, we gonna spend night there", Chan casually said making your heart jump out of your chest.

"pervert, you planned everything seriously", you said dramatically and giving him a playful digusting look.

"I booked two rooms", Chan said now starting the engine making you feel embarrassed. "Who is pervert now~" Chan said in air teasing you more.

The rest of the ride you both talked about anything and everything. Confessing how you used to find ways to always be in each others vision etc. Both of you finding a new thirsty side of each other. Nothing felt uncomfortable, it was happiness those inhumane laughs crazy tricks you both used to pull everything was heaven. After some time you both reached infront of a gaint hotel , it looked expensive af but regardless Chan knew how to waste money and you were tired of lecturing him about savings.

"let's go", Chan said removing your seatbelt and getting out of car to open the door for ya. He was being so cheesy gentleman and you were enjoying every minute.

"room 42 and 43" Chan said to the receptionist and she handed two keys to him. Thanking her then getting on elevator, you were a little disappointed that you weren't sharing room with Chan, yes you were pervert and total simp for Chan, he was too hot and your sexual drive was getting higher each passing second. The elevator doors opened and you got off. Chan handed you the room key and softly kissed your forehead, both you wished it was your lips.

"if you want anything, just knock okay?" Chan said in his lovely tone, I want you you internally screamed, nevertheless you gave him a nod and got inside that expensive room .

Starring at the ceiling while lying on the bed your mind was full of Chan, you knew he wasn't probably sleeping and was wasting time in watching random shit on internet and you were hungry, hungry for Chan, it wasn't your fault that Chan was so hot. Trying to fall asleep and fidgeting here to there you finally decided to knock on Chan's room door. A danger zone. You noticed how the door flunged open in less than few seconds.

"Hi" you said scratching back of your head and trying to think what next to say.

"Hi..?"Chan said being confused.

"there is cockroach in my room, let me stay with you" you said a clear white lie. Taking impulsive action were never good for you.Chan sighed before opening the door fully and signalling you to come. This was your happiest day ever.

"whY you lying", Chan asked you as you plopped yourself on sofa besides bed. He asked the sentence in a sarcastic way.

"Do you you wanna kiss me?", You asked Chan with a straight serious face catching him off-guard, you didn't wanted to waste more time, you wanted to do everything with Chan, yes fucking on first day of dating was a little too early but you fantasized about this gorgeous man since ages, in your eyes he looked total dom but his reaction to your question was making you doubt your thoughts.

"Are you sure", Chan asked you clearing his throat.

"Are you virgin?"you asked Chan, he was being too nervous.

"Obviously not"Chan answered you in duh tone, rolling his eyes. And it was getting awkward.

"The cockroach must have gone by now I should go, bye", you blabbered and got up ready to leave, you were about to open the door but Chan grabbed your hand and before you knew anything his hands were on your cheeks cupping them softly and his lips so close to yours, Chan's eyes were looking straight in your orbs , your heartbeat stronger than ever.

"Can I?", Chan asked your consent his thumb softly brushing against your lower lip. This man had totally made you insane, something stirred inside you. Chan was perfect he was everything you wished. You gave him a small nod and slowly his lips touched against yours, you wanted to cry, his lips felt so good, he didn't rushed his movements everything was happening in slow motion, he holded you with such a vulnerability like he was afraid that you will go, your hand reached his head, fingers moving through his soft locks. You felt his tongue inside your mouth , you felt a electricity run down your body when the kiss deepened.

We kiss again. The next kiss is the kind that breaks open the sky. It steals my breath and gives it back. It shows me that every other kiss I’ve had in my life has been wrong.

Breaking the kiss Reluctantly in need of air, Chan rested his forehead against yours. He was hot almost like burning, sweating.

"Why are you so nervous, Chan?", You asked Chan hugging him tightly clinging like the last leaf to the tree.

"I am scared, I just love you", He said engulfing you in his arms. And you Finally felt, what real love feels like.

"Love you too", you replied softly.

"Do you wanna continue..?"Chan asked you his tone little less scared.

"Off course", you said looking at him with smile, something inside you told it was okay to let out your freaky side infront of Chan. Chan smiled back and suddenly turned you around , the large bed infront of you.

"Lie down there",Chan whispered in your ears , his low register sending shivers down your spine. This was exactly how you pictured Chan to be, your inner submissive almost died. You followed Chan's word and laid on your back on the bed, now you were feeling like a virgin. His eyes roaming through the room in search of something.

"Are you okay with being blindfolded?", Chan asked you as he came back with the tie he wore today and was rolling it slightly in his palms, and you swear you never saw a man so hot in your entire life. Getting blindfolded was one of your unfulfilled kinks.

"ye- yes", you replied your tone filled with thrill and excitement. Chan came back to you standing near you, his hand softly cupped your cheeks , before bringing the tie to use it in sinistrous way tonight. The cloth felt strange to your eyes, his cologne smell hitting you and Chan caught your shy smile, His heart felt so fluffy. Tieing a comfortable knot Chan sat on bed near your waist. His hands slowly crept near your stomach leaving a direct lingering touch on the sensitive skin, eventually going upwards while giving a little squeeze to add stimulation, his hands reached your boobs, you didn't wore bra, and he wasn't surprised maybe your nipples perked up enough to get noticed, his middle and index finger Rolling your sensitive bundle of nerves, the blindfold making his every touch more intense, your breath was heavy you let out a suprised moan when Chan gropped your right boob in an erotic way, this sole action increasing your wetness down there you were getting impatient. You moaned his name a little loudly when his lips came in contact with your sensitive neck, sucking in a painful way, inorder to leave a hickey.

"Should I touch you here", Chan asked you as his hand reached to your area where you needed him to the most, hands going directly inside your panties ,but not touching he was a teaser.

"yes please", you moaned almost breathlessly too tired of intense foreplay. You just wanted Chan to rip off your clothes and fuck you till sunrise. Getting satisfaction with your answer Chan finally removed every clothing of your lower body, leaving you completely bare, all at his mercy. His finger moved up and down on your opening , the wetness making Chan easily slip his one finger deep inside you.

" my baby is so wet, because of who?", Chan asked you as his finger was moving slowly inside of you and thumb rubbing circles on the bundle of nerves.

"because of.. you", you admitted without any hesitation trying to grind yourself on his hand, begging for more.

"Good", Chan said and without saying anything he added another finger inside you moving a little faster inside your cunt, rubbing your walls with a little pressure, scissoring them inside you painfully and making way for a third finger too and by then you were a complete moaning mess, his fingers were pleasure yet torture the blindfold making your senses weak. Mind full of whatever Cham was giving you. Your legs were shaking sign of your orgasm approaching you, by one hand Chan holded your thighs tightly to their place fingers now moving more faster to make you reach the peak of pleasure.

"Chan.. I--I-I-- wanna cum please", you moaned your little squeaks and begs almost making Chan's cock cum right inside boxers. With some final thrust of his fingers, you cummed the hardest you could imagine, squeaky sounds coming as Chan was fingering you through your orgasm, you almost crying from overstimulation. Moaning his name like a chant.

"you did well",Chan praised you finally removing his fingers from you leaving you empty, but it won't have last wrong. Chan removed your blindfold , the bright lights hurting your eyes, you adjusted your vision and the image of Chan sucking his wet fingers coated with your liquid came directly in front of your eyes. Letting out a helpless whine.

Chan plopped himself on knees on either side of your thighs, finally letting his cock out, leaking with precum, and he was big, thick , you didn't thought he could get even hotter.

"Ready baby?", Chan asked you as he fully undressed himself as well as removing your top, your mind hazey . The scene which you pictured since highschool finally happening.

"yes", you replied Chan, he came down to kiss you passionately and slowly entering inside you. You moaned painfully, tears pulling your vision, it was a painful pleasure. Chan kissed away your tears and hand interlocking with yours after finally being fully inside you he started to move at slow pace.

"you feel so good Chan", almost screaming from pleasure, your whines were fuel to Chan's ego and he increased the pace. Body slapping sound filling the room, his groans were most sexy thing you ever heard. Again and again his tip hitting your deepest spots.

"I am close", you moaned out breathlessly, pleasure becaming too much to handle .you released around his cock, reaching the peak second time at night.

After giving a few more thrusts Chan cummed at your stomach, he was still sane enough to not curse you with kids while being lost in pleasure."I love you", he said as he settled beside you hugging you tightly. This was heaven.

"love you too", you said , your voice a little hoarse.

"by the way I forgot that I bought a ring to propose you", Chan said, realisation hitting him, that he forgot to say the long ass paragraph that he was supposed to say while sitting on one knee. You smiled at his guilty face.

"don't worry, propose me after having shower", you said heart filled with pure joy and happiness . Happiness of knowing that You love someone who will always love you back.