#and overall not feel suicidal because of her sometimes

[it-was-summer]

Video Killed the Radio Star - Tape #4 (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

A/N: Y'all this chapter took so long to write. This is NOT proofread once again me and Grammarly were beefing because she doesn't understand fanfiction. Nonetheless, it is 12 am MST and here it is. Now for an overall warning, this chapter talks about so much that I was to let everyone know that I meant for this to be a dark series. That was my goal. I'm so sorry if some of these topics seem like they're too heavy for you. If you feel overwhelmed, disgusted, or just find it hard to read please remember that it is okay and you are loved. This chapter mentions miscarriages, eating disorders, gunshot wounds, suicide, etc. I love you all and stay healthy. I will try to post my 500 followers post soon! Not proofread because eepy. YOU'LL read my chapter unedited and you'll like it! (hopefully). Thanks for reading. -Love you all, Em.

Video Killed the Radio Star Remake Masterlist

Link to the Ao3: Video Killed the Radio Star

Previous Chapter: Tape #3 > Next Chapter: Coming Soon...

WARNING: miscarriage, eating disorder, catholic guilt, bisexuality mention??, period underwear, stalking, marital problem, divorce, sexual harassment, guns, knives, gunshot wound, This bitch shoots someone, suicide, mention of a skull, blood so much blood.

Tape Contents: We briefly dive into Heather's past. Adeline makes a call that gives the team a reason to visit the suburbs. Heather makes a decision. You see something other than pink for the first time in four days.

Word Count: 6,296

Seven to Four Years Prior- January 10, 20XX

Heather had to get out of Norfolk. She felt suffocated under her father’s watchful gaze and helicopter ways. He was a hard man to love and hard to be around in general. When he drank, she used to pray that he would forget about her, so she became quiet. She didn’t have many friends here anyway, so she took you out of the equation and knew no one else would know her name. 

So, with a heavy heart, she moved her life away to Richmond. She changed her major to nursing and killed that quiet girl from Norfolk. She fabricated real lies that sometimes she couldn’t separate from reality. She stared at girls silently with longing and played it off as admiration if she was ever caught. Catholic guilt stopped it from growing into anything else. 

She was slow to open up about her feelings and showed people an extroverted sorority girl nursing graduate who liked to go to bars on the weekend and let men’s hands pull at her hips desperately in dark corners. 

Now, at twenty-four, she only thought about one thing: how good her stomach looked in this dress. She had thinned out tremendously since the move. At first, it started due to not having enough money to eat anywhere except the shitty university cafeteria. Then, it warped into something else. During its worst moments, she would log her calories or purge food moments after eating it. She could look into mirrors afterward and feel she was achieving something remarkable. Then, sometimes, she would also look at her face and think, ‘Is that what I look like’? 

But tonight, she wanted to do something different, something fun. Having told her sorority sisters this, they all jumped on board quickly, agreeing to meet at the bar around 10 p.m. that Saturday. They were thirty minutes late. 

Heather was gently fiddling with the hem of her short black dress, her eyes flickering towards the entrance every so often as she waited for them to walk in. This year, she wanted to be happier, less suffering in silence, and a little more smiley. So yes, she wanted to have fun with people she called friends. Despite all her efforts, she was sure they could see right through her sometimes. She swallowed nervously as she nursed a margarita. 

The next time she looked at her phone, she saw texts from her former sisters saying that work had been hectic and that they needed to reschedule for another time. So now, Heather Alexander was right back at square one: alone. She glanced down at her dress and frowned slightly at its tight material. It was the kind of dress that made her uncomfortable but made men comfortable. Something always felt wrong with that. Heather always secretly knew that she felt an attraction to women and men, but she always felt guilty at the thought. 

She sighed as she debated her next move when she saw him. He was the prettiest man she had ever seen. He had soft masculine features that almost looked slightly feminine, a uniform clad against his chest, and a charming boyish smile as their eyes met. Heather whispered a silent prayer that he would like her as he approached her and introduced himself as David Hernandez. How could she not fall for him instantly? Deep brown eyes, pink lips, dark skin, and a low rumble in his voice made her feel like giggling. 

It wasn’t long before the two of them were getting married. They spent a few months together in domestic bliss. He got some time off from work, and she kept her last name, and they were… happy. 

At least they were happy for six months, and then her world shattered around her as David was deployed to England. She cried herself to sleep the night she heard, and David stroked her back softly to calm her. Heather didn’t want him to leave her and see someone better overseas. She was sure that women would throw themselves at David’s feet, begging him to kiss them, touch them, fuck them, like whores in the street of Babylon. She couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else touching him, looking at him the way she looked at him, talking to him the way she did in his ear late at night. She begged him to try and find some way out of it, scared to lose what was rightfully hers, but he couldn’t. He left that week.

At first, it was just six months, but then it stretched out into a year of deployment—a year spent being faithful to a man across the Atlantic. She called him when she had time, wrote letters to him, sent him emails, and constantly contacted him in any way she could. 

When he got home, it was clear that all her efforts had gone to waste. David was distant. He would sulk in corners of their home on his phone. He would lament on and on about how England felt like his home and how he missed it. She couldn’t stand it. This house they bought together was his home, and it always had been. Why was he struggling to see that? 

The more he talked of his deployment, the more Heather became frustrated with him. Then he started to go out more. At first, it was just to speak with some Army friends on base a few spread-out weekends in the month. Then it was every weekend. 

Heather found that the only thing that could keep him home was sex. So they had sex constantly, like animals in heat. Disgusting and rutting against each other any moment they could. However, the second that it was over, he would withdraw again. He would get dressed and say he had to get to the base. 

Then he was coming late, drunk and slurring, as he pulled her to the edge of the bed and woke her up with sensual touches and dirty talk. She took this as a good sign he was coming home to his wife. He was fucking her and no one else. But slowly, he stopped coming home. He would call her late at night to tell her he would stay with a friend for the night. The following day, he would come home smelling sweet. 

Heather felt lost, searching desperately for something to save her marriage. She was devoting all of her love to a man who no longer wanted it, and she could feel him falling out of love with her. 

Her saving grace was the morning that she found out she was pregnant. She called David with tears in her eyes and told him softly over the phone, and she heard him laugh for the first time in months. And just like that, he was back. 

His soft touches, kisses in the grocery store, and dancing with her in the living room were all back. Her devoted and dotting husband had returned home to her. She could feel the dark cloud of the past couple of months dissipate and the sun shining on her. 

That light lasted a good three months. Heather sat up straight as pain coursed through her body, thundering in her abdomen as she shook David awake with tears streaming down her face. Something was wrong with the baby; she knew it. He drove her to the hospital as fast as he could, but it was too late. She had already miscarried.

Heather took a small sabbatical from work and took time to think about her life. She would stare out of their living room window blankly for hours. David was attentive at first, coming home after work and tending to Heather’s broken spirit. But he soon became bored of that routine. 

When Heather returned to the pediatric oncology unit, David was notified that he was being deployed again to Okinawa, Japan. He was packed and ready by the end of that month. She didn’t see him off at the airport, picking up an extra shift at the hospital to distract her from the fact that he was leaving her again. 

David called her two months into his leave to tell her he wasn’t happy. He wanted a divorce. Then he hung up before she could get a word in. That’s when it all started. Her obsession with consuming anything romantic was almost debilitating. She would visit bookstores and attend readings at the public library, sometimes calling off from work to sit at home with her romances. That’s when she saw you again. She thought that you would have stayed in Norfolk. You had once told her that you loved the water. You liked how it could look gloomy and promising on different days, with mist rolling off the surface. 

She tried not to talk to you. She did. She didn’t want to scare you away like she scared David away. No, no, no, she was sure it would all work out this time. So she loved you from a comfortable distance, watching you from her car on the weekends at night, leaving you her gifts on your windshield—a silent courting. 

She couldn’t help herself on Valentine’s Day. She had slipped into Nicole Smith’s room without Adeline recognizing her, and she gave the table with Adeline’s purse on it a gentle knock with her hip. Heather apologized quickly, telling her not to worry. She promptly dropped to the floor to gather the spilled contents from Adeline’s bag, and she slipped a labeled key connected to a keychain that read ‘or die’ into her pocket. Once she had copied the key, she quickly returned the original to its owner. 

She felt electric when she entered your apartment on Valentine's Day in a dark outfit, a hood covering her face, and four dozen rose petals in a container. She breathed in your perfume as she perused through your bathroom. She traced the spine of every book she could touch on your shelves. She gently dove into your dirty hamper and quickly pulled out a pair of dirty underwear, blood on the inside of them as she shamelessly slipped them into her pocket. Then she got to work spreading the petals throughout your apartment. By the end, she stared at her work, panting lightly as she lay across on your rose-covered bed. 

She had to have you. 

Present Day- March 5, 20XX

Derek and Spencer managed to get to the public library an hour before closing. They pulled your coworker, Valerie, aside. She was a pretty brunette, glasses resting on her face delicately as she stared at the two men with a soft look of disappointment. She knew that if they were here, they had yet to find you, and the thought made her feel like breaking down in a fit of tears. She fought the urge to cry as Derek asked her a question, sliding a copy of the Polaroid you had received on your windshield. “Do you happen to remember anyone coming in with a Polaroid camera?��� 

Valerie stared at the Polaroid with a soft frown, trying to remember something helpful. Spencer spoke quickly, “Sometime around January fourteenth, maybe?”

Valerie chewed on her bottom lip before the memory washed over her, “Yes! Yes, oh gosh, she was blonde, I think. I remember telling her we didn’t like flash photography in the library. I only saw the back of her head, but I remember the back of her head and the flash of a camera.” 

Spencer tilted his head slightly and nodded at Valerie’s words, processing the information silently.“Are you sure it was a woman?” Spencer asked softly before Valarie enthusiastically nodded. 

“Yes, it was definitely a woman who took the picture.” She confirmed in a soft voice before she looked down at the Polaroid with a gentle tenderness in her eyes. “She baked me cookies last week, you know?” She looked up at the two men with a sad smile and tears in her eyes. “My cat is sick, and she made me cookies to make me feel better.” She laughed sadly as the tears started to fall. 

Derek placed a soft hand over Valerie’s and gave her a tender look, “We’re looking for her,” The words caused a shaky sigh to escape Valarie’s lips as she pulled her hand away quickly and stood up. 

Her cheeks were red as she cried out a soft “Excuse me.” before she turned on her heel and hurriedly left the room. 

Spencer picked up the picture and stared at you in the photo. The way your hair shined in the fluorescent light, your eyes and smile trained directly on the person you were talking to. You were personable, and the thought made his stomach turn. He looked over at Derek as Spencer handed the photo back to him. 

The two men walked out of the library silently, and Derek let out a soft sigh as he watched the sun starting to settle against the horizon. Spencer walked beside him with his hand stuffed in his pockets, and his head hung a little low in thought. 

Derek broke the silence first, “We should get back to the station to see if JJ and Rossi have anything,” 

And then they rode back in contemplative silence after that. 

March 6, 20XX

You weren’t sure if it was day or night anymore. All you knew was that you were starting to feel uneven. Every creak of wood, settling of pipes, and rumble of the house had your back straightening against the bed. You were sure that Heather would fly in at any moment and touch you. 

A million options weighed heavy in your mind at the scenario; you could fight back again, but that would get you sliced again or worse. You could go with it, zone out as much as possible, let her have her way with you. That option made your head spin with nausea. You had to find a way to get out. 

You licked at the gash on your lip, gently exploring the cut with your tongue until you could feel the warmth of blood again. You pushed your tongue back into your mouth and looked over at your day-old apple on the nightstand, half-eaten and brown. You tenderly took a small bite that wouldn’t require you to move your lips too much. 

You didn’t have much of the day-old meal left; a half-full water and this apple was all you had. You chewed softly, fighting off the nausea that threatened to creep in due to the morphine. 

You tried to remember anything that could be helpful to you. It was hard to think of high doses of morphine. You had played with the knob often; when you were ready to sleep, it would go up, and when you were up, it would turn down. But lately, you just wanted it to be turned up. 

You tried to think of when Heather came into the pink room. She always stuffed her keys into her pockets. A plan was in the making: Get her out of her clothes, and you could get the keys. 

You nodded a little despite your discomfort with the idea of her touching you again. You just had to seduce her a little, which should be easy considering that she was ‘in love’ with you. The only problem with that plan was that you had a mangled ankle and a body running on morphine; she didn’t. Heather’s temper was quick when you talked back, and rage followed if you did something against her liking. 

Maybe begging would work. No, you tried that already. Why would begging work? Perhaps you could hurt yourself just enough to force her to take you to the hospital. But that didn’t work either; she was a nurse. She wouldn’t incriminate herself like that, would she? Maybe total submission would be the key. 

Convince her that you love her back and somehow ask to be let out with her supervision, but that could take forever. 

You started to cry softly as you set down the core of the apple and laid down, wishing to pull your legs to your chest, but the pain of one ankle and the chain around the other made that physically impossible. 

You cried until you felt your eyelids become heavy, tears still slipping out of your eyes as you fell into a morphine-induced sleep. 

March 6, 20XX

JJ paced back and forth in front of the bulletin board, occasionally flicking her eyes over to the photos pinned to it as she tried to chase what was likely to be a loose end. The number that had called yours and left a message full of sobs had been a burner. 

Spencer had tried to tell her to eat something this morning, but as the clock’s hands crept towards nine a.m., she still didn’t feel hungry enough to try. She sighed out another frustrated huff as Emily appeared in front of her. “If you sigh like that one more time, I think I might have to force a croissant down your throat.” 

JJ gave her another dramatic sigh before she put her hands on her hips: “I’m sorry, I just feel like we have no leads. We know it's a woman, but Adeline isn’t likely to be the unsub, and all her coworkers have alibis. It just feels like we are running around with our heads cut off.” 

Emily smiled and gave her a gentle nod of understanding, “I get it, but you pacing around like this isn’t helping anyone. Let’s get you a drink, coffee, or maybe something to eat.” 

“People who eat breakfast consistently are twenty-five percent likely to be more productive at work,” Spencer spoke up from a desk not too far from the two women. 

Emily pointed over at Spencer, “See? You’re making Spencer freak out.” 

“I’m not freaked out,” Spencer frowned at the comment before looking back at a file on the desk. 

JJ’s smile was slow as she let her hands fall to her side and let out a soft, “Fine.” She agreed as Emily walked over to the precinct's breakroom, JJ following her. 

Derek was clicking a pen obnoxiously in an off-beat rhythm. He was about to say something when his phone started to ring on his desk. He didn’t recognize the number, but he answered it anyway. “Hello?” 

“Hi, uhm, is this Special Agent Morgan?” Adeline’s voice was shaky through the phone. 

Derek relaxed slightly as he set down his pen. “Yeah, Adeline. Did something happen?” He couldn’t think of another reason as to why she would call the number he had left with her if nothing happened. He was too focused on the case to think of any other reason anyway. 

“Yeah, maybe? I was talking to one of the nurses about something today, and I recognized one of them. I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner, but it was an old friend from college. She was more Y/N’s friend than mine, but I talked to her a little.” Adeline’s voice dropped to a whisper as she continued, “I mentioned that she was missing, and Heather had a weird reaction. She smiled for a second. I swear, she said she was sad to hear that, but she looked… well, for a second, it just seemed like maybe she was happy.” 

Derek picked the pen back up again, ready to write down a name. It wasn’t much, but they could visit her. “What was her name again?” 

“Gosh, it was Heather something… Heather, Heather, Heather,” She bit her lip as she tried to think back. “Alexander! Heather Alexander.” 

Derek wrote it down and muttered quickly, “We'll look into it, thanks.” As a goodbye, he let Adeline quickly thank him over the phone before he hung up and called Penelope. 

Penelope, quick as always, picked up on the first ring. “Center of divine intellect,” was her greeting. 

“Good morning to you, too, baby girl. Listen, could you get Heather Alexander's address? Adeline Smith called saying that she had a strange reaction to hearing about our girl going missing.” 

“Easy,” was her answer before Derek could hear the sounds of keys being tapped against and a soft humming sound emitting from Penelope’s lips as she pulled up the address: “4432 Lake Margaret Pl., Chesterfield, Virginia.” 

“You are an angel, Garcia.” 

“I always aim to please,” 

“And you never fail, baby girl.” 

JJ had begged Derek with her eyes to let her go with Spencer. It was just an interview, not even an interrogation, just to see if the connection between you and Heather went deeper than old college friends. So why shouldn’t she go? 

Derek wasn’t one to put up a big fight, so he let her with Spencer. It was only thirty minutes away anyway, so if they needed the team it wouldn’t take too long for them to show up, right? He stayed behind on the phone with Garcia, who was doing her best to see if Heather had any criminal history on her record. 

As the car rolled around the cul de sac, Spencer’s eyes struggled to look away from the plethora of plants in the fenced-in front yard. Pink anemones were scattered amongst daffodils, and what looked like daisies were blooming side by side. JJ rolled the car to a stop, parking it against the curb. 

“Pretty yard,” She muttered as she took the keys out of the ignition. Spencer nodded a little; he had to admit that Spring came in a close second to Fall as the superior season in his mind. The flowers growing after frozen earth had kept them dormant, the welcomed feeling of the sun getting slightly warmer. It was still somewhat chilly at ten in the morning as he stepped out of the car with JJ, but he had to admit, it was shaping up to be a beautiful day weather-wise. 

His head tilted back a little as he stole a glance at the blue sky above them and smiled before stuffing his hands into his pockets and tilting his head toward the house. JJ smiled and walked beside him, happy to be out of the precinct and in the early morning air.

Heather was washing the paring knife she had used on you in her kitchen sink, facing a large bay window in her living room. She swiped at the hardened blood and frowned a little at the memory. Why was she so upset with you? She could hardly remember herself when she got angry like that. 

It was almost fitting, her flying off the handle over something so simple as you not being ready for her love. Was she no better than a man? Had she gotten so accustomed to men's vile and sharp ways that she had somehow forgotten how to be gentle? 

She felt her hands shake as a voice came into her head, whispering her worst fear: She was worse than her father. 

She let tears blur her vision at the thought as she rubbed the knife harder with a sponge, shaking her head quickly. No, no, no, no. She was not like that man. She was not cold like that man. She was lovable. She felt love. She felt overwhelming love for you. She had felt overwhelming love for David. 

Her downward spiral was cut short as she lifted her weeping head and saw a black SUV parked in front of her yard. She quickly wiped away a stray tear with the back of her hand and sniffled lightly as she gently slid the knife into the dishwasher, watching two people get out of the van. 

Heather’s eyes were glued to the blonde at first, pretty and fair in the morning sun before her eyes flickered to the man beside her. She recognized him immediately. She was sure it was the same man she almost ran into at the hospital yesterday. 

She dried her hands as she walked around the kitchen island. As they got closer, her head arched to see how close they were. Panic was running through her veins. Her gun was in her room upstairs, loaded. She just had to get upstairs; her feet were quick to try and run upstairs and stash it somewhere close before they could ring the doorbell. Just as the idea seemed plausible enough, the bell rang through the house. 

Heather let out a silent scream of panic as she smoothed out her shirt, fixed her hair, and caught a quick glance of her pretty face in the mirror near the front door before she swung it open with a pleasantly fake smile on her face. Her eyes quickly scanned both of their faces as she smiled. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, hi. My name is Jennifer Jareau. This is Spencer Reid. We’re with the FBI, and we were just wondering if we could ask you some questions.” JJ spoke clearly as she flashed her badge at Heather, a slight smile on her lips as she looked into Heather’s eyes. Spencer recognized her, finding it strange that he had almost run directly into the beautiful woman at the hospital just the day before. 

Heather laughed softly and nodded as she stepped aside, opening the door wider to let the two agents inside. “Of course,” Her hands were shaking, but she gripped the edge of the door tightly, half tempted to slam it directly in their faces and go upstairs to shoot Catherine and herself to freedom.  

They weren’t on to her yet; she was sure of that– especially given their lack of people– just two against one. She was quick to shut the door behind them before leading the two of them into her living room. “Can I get you two any water? I have some juice.” 

The two agents shook their heads in a polite ‘no, thank you’ way as they sat on the sofa across from Heather. Heather sat on a chair with a soft “Okay” as she eyed them carefully. “Am I in some kind of trouble here?” 

“No, We just wanted to ask you a few questions regarding an old college friend of yours, Y/N L/N.” 

“Well,” She smoothed out her long skirt slowly, remembering to breathe normally, “What about her?” 

“Had you been in contact with her at all? Did she mention anything about someone following her?” 

Heather let out a gentle laugh as she shook her head, “I haven’t really had the time to reach out to old friends lately,” 

Spencer’s interest peaked as he joined the conversation, “How come?” 

Heather’s gaze became a little pointed at the question. Of course, the man has to ask her, “I lost a baby recently, and my husband was deployed soon after, so forgive me for not becoming pen pals with someone I knew at eighteen.” The words were direct and vicious, but she couldn’t help herself. She blew out a soft sigh before she let out a gentle and timid, “I’m sorry,” 

Spencer licked his lips nervously as he leaned back against the sofa slightly, trying to resist the urge to disappear into it. Self-isolation wasn’t uncommon for women who had recently suffered from a miscarriage. That feeling more than likely increased as her support system was ripped away from her. 

JJ gently touched Spencer’s knee before she cut the tension. “I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Alexander. We’re just trying to piece some information together.” 

Heather ran a hand through her hair before she gave JJ a tight-lipped smile. “I understand that; I’m sorry. Would it be alright if I ran upstairs for some medicine? I feel a headache coming on.” She spoke fast with a tense voice, trying her hardest to pass it off as pain with a rub of her temple. When JJ nodded, she stood up and headed upstairs as calmly as she could manage. 

JJ looked over at Spencer, watching Heather walk away carefully. “She seems angrier with men than anything.” Her voice was slightly amused before Spencer frowned. 

“Doesn’t mean she’s in the clear; stalking is often a form of intense infatuation, but it's also used as a way to control something. She’s struggling with two things that could be our stressors: she’s craving control or dependency. She-” The soft ringing of his phone cut off his whispered rant. He answered it, happy that at least it was just Garcia calling, hoping for a better lead than his ongoing hunch. 

He stood and looked at JJ, who was mouthing for him to go outside, “Hey,” He answered as he slipped out of the front door. 

“Hey, nothing is coming up anywhere on Heather’s record for criminal activity—sorority sister, wife, nurse, clean as a whistle. However, considering we don’t have much right now, I decided to see if she had any warnings at work.” 

“Right,” Spencer looked over his shoulder at the front door as he walked away to stand in front of the garage. 

“Well, last month, she got a write-up for stealing some morphine; her supervisor forced her to go see a therapist after Heather said that she was using it for some leftover pain she was experiencing after her miscarriage. But Heather never showed,” 

Spencer was walking a little further down the driveway as he listened to Garcia talk on the phone, counting the number of windows in the house. His eyes narrowed slightly to try and block out the sun before he looked away. He licked his bottom lip gently before acting on his little hunch, “Could you check her credit report? See if there are any purchases that you can find that seem odd around March third?” 

“Could I check her credit report,” Garcia repeated with a laugh, “Hold on, boy genius.” 

Spencer could see the top of JJ’s head from the bay window, and he turned away slightly, finding ease in the fact that she was still there. Something felt off, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. “She went to the store, but nothing crazy. Bought,” He could hear typing, “Bleach and rubbing alcohol.” 

Spencer chewed on the inside of his cheek as he asked, “When was her husband deployed again? Did she buy anything from a florist around Valentine’s Day?” 

“Husband was deployed December first and,” she hummed gently before she sighed, “Bought some flowers on Valentine’s day, rose petals.” 

Spencer felt that feeling when something connected in his brain, a rush of adrenaline as he felt his hunch slowly turn into a plausible accusation. The roses were just that, roses. But the bleach and rubbing alcohol? That’s a recipe for chloroform right there. And finally, Heather’s husband was deployed at the beginning of December, stressor number two. It made him feel slightly hopeful about walking back into the house. “Thanks, Garcia.” He said as his feet reached the end of the driveway. He hung up the phone, walking back towards the house at a fast pace when the familiar and startling 'crack' of a gun reached his ears. 

His hands drew his gun out of the holster, running back towards the house. He pushed the front door open with his foot as he heard the thumping of footsteps running on the stairs. He rounded the corner to the living room before lowering his gun as he saw JJ bleeding from a bullet wound in her thigh. 

“JJ!” His voice panicked as he reached her groaning side, kneeling low to the ground next to her. “What happened?” 

JJ shook her head quickly, “I’m calling for backup. She ran upstairs. She didn’t even try to,” her eyes squeezed shut tightly as a sharp pain rattled through her inner thigh, “Just go!” She urged him as she reached down for the phone in her back pocket, her free hand pressing on her gushing wound to try and slow the bleeding. 

Spencer’s eyes were filled with uncertainty as he let out a soft, “No, I’ll stay here until everyone gets-” 

“Spencer, go!” 

Spencer felt his spine straighten at the second command. He gave her a grim nod as he stood up, readied his gun, and started for the stairs. His footsteps were soft and calculated as he ascended, pink light flooding the floor as he approached the top of the stairs. He could hear gentle begging in a voice too soft and thick to be Heather’s. 

“Please, Heather, please, my love. Don’t, please don’t.” Repetitive cries for mercy made his legs move faster until he approached an opened door. The regular-looking bedroom door gave way to a steel one just behind it before revealing the scene of what looked like a demented love nest. 

Spencer swallowed a lump in his throat as he took in the scene. Gun pointed carefully at Heather as he spoke, “Heather, put down the gun. You love her. You don’t want to hurt her. You know that.” 

Heather jumped a little at the sound, her pistol clicking softly as her sweaty palms tightened their grip. She was quick to turn her body around to face him with the gun aimed directly at him as she spoke. “Don’t pretend like you know me or her. You don’t know our relationship. She wants this just as much as I do.” 

“You know she doesn’t look at her. Look at what you’re doing to her.” 

Heather’s eyes drifted to you, chained to the bed, watching as you hyperventilate softly. Heather felt her bottom lip quiver before she looked back at Spencer. “She’s just scared. You’re making me do this. She knows you’re making me do this.” 

Spencer’s eyes drifted to your crying form on the bed, trying to keep your sobs quiet as you stared at him with wild eyes. He glanced over at the morphine drip next to your bed before his eyes settled back on Heather. His lips parted to say something more, but she cut him off quickly, “Put your gun down, and I won’t do it.” 

Heather’s body language gives her away as she motions for him to put his gun down, her eyes crazed and large, her hands shaking and rigid against her pistol. “I’m not going to-” 

“Put your fucking, gun down, or she dies,” Heather yells so loud that it elicits a soft sob from your lips, your arms coming up to protect your head, ready for the shot to be administered and for your brains to be blown out in front of Spencer in that very moment. 

Spencer holds up both of his hands at that; he swears he can hear the soft sounds of sirens in the distance as he lowers his gun to the floor slowly, his foot gently kicking the gun away with a soft ‘clack.’

“Now you,” his calm voice says as he raises his hands, inching closer. Tears stream down Heather’s face now as she shakes her head gently. 

“I have to,” Is her tear-soaked reply as she keeps the barrel pointed at Spencer’s head, her fingers twitching lightly as they move for the trigger. Your shaking voice cuts through the scene, and Spencer is pretty sure it’s the only thing that is stopping him from diving for his gun a few feet from him. 

“Heather, baby,” Your voice betrays you as you speak the pet name, coming off a little too forced, but you continue anyway. “He can help. You don’t have to hurt anyone else. We can be happy, and we can get away. He can help, right?” Your arms relax around your head slowly as you look over at Spencer, who nods silently. 

“I can, but you have got to put your gun down.” 

Heather chokes out a strangled sob as she looks over at you, watching as you smile at her. You know it’s forced, but Heather can only view it as the prettiest thing she’s ever seen—a great parting gift. 

She feels spit thick on her tongue as she evaluates her options: kill Spencer and go to jail. Kill you, and she might not have enough time to kill herself. Killing herself seems like the best plan out of the three, so she holds her gun steady at Spencer as she looks at your now bleeding smile. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Her voice is soft, almost so human that you feel your heart clench in pity before that clenching feeling turns into pure anxiety as you see the movement of her arm. Spencer’s feet aren't quick enough for him to tackle her to the ground as Heather raises the gun to her temple and pulls the trigger. 

Her body drops to the edge of the bed, sliding down it as you feel blood coat your legs. Your ears are ringing, and your mouth is wide open as you scream. At least you think you’re screaming. You can’t hear much but a pathetic muffle of the sound as the ringing in your ears increases.

Your hands are quick to try and wipe off chunks of what looks to be part of a skull off of your exposed stomach, and you can’t seem to stop staring at Heather’s limp body at the edge of the bed. The image of her mangled head oozing blood has you gagging softly, feeling yourself getting ready to be sick before you feel two hands cup your face. 

You’re screaming or sobbing; you can’t tell anymore as Spencer Reid’s face blocks the view. He keeps your face steady in his hands as you try to read his lips, your breathing heavy as he strokes your hair gently. His voice creeps in through the ringing until you eventually hear the soft repetition of, “I got you, look at me. Just keep looking at me; you’re safe.”

You feel your breathing slow, your arms reaching up to grab him before your eyes roll back as your body slumps against Spencer’s, and everything is engulfed in black.

Tag List: @dollykisses4reid @babyspiderling @cocobean16 @kodzukenie333 @mmmunson

[luffyvace]

Late!! Dazai B Day hcs!! 😊

Yes IK I’m like literally almost 2 months late but I’m doing it ✨fashionably late✨

Dazai would become such a big baby 🤦‍♀️

he wants to sleep in late and wants breakfast in bed

the whole shabang 🙄

basically demands everything cuz he’s “the birthday boy☝️🤓”

and if you don’t get it for him your a bad s/o 😤✋

also demands cuddles all day long, which- I guess isn’t so bad 🤷‍♀️

I hope you didn’t plan anything, cuz he pretty lazy and doesn’t wanna work or even go out really

i mean maybe, only if you promise you have something super fun planned 🤩 and he’s gotta be interested in it too! ☝️😤

or your going to jail! For ruining his birthday D:

wouldn’t mind if you invited the Ada members over, actually asks you to do it at some point because his b day is too lonely without lots of friends and a party!! :D

all the sudden he has all this energy and wants to turn up LOL

so you guys put on some music, pour some drinks and have an unplanned party on the spot!!

although I’m sure Atsushi was planning one for him anyway <3

you’d best have brought him the most top tier gifts too!! >:( only the greatest stuff for the birthday king! 👑 (yes he deems “boy” too belittling now and wants to be called the birthday king now 😭⁉️)

gives you lots of kisses, back hugs and overall pda, - AND NO COMPLAINING!- cuz he’s the birthday king~ 😊

so if you don’t like it suck it up for a day butter cup!- Cuz he loves it! 💋

undoubtedly bothers Kunkida and asks him to do obnoxious, stupid things he knows he wouldn’t wanna do

and there’s no getting mad cuz he the birthday king!~ 😉

kunikida gets mad anyway and Dazai whines that he’s not supposed to get mad at him on his big dayyyy! D;

goes to you to tattle tale and you switch the topic by suggesting limbo! 🤩🤷‍♀️

To which Dazai immediately falls in love with this idea and demands everyone to play

in this order, is how everyone wins:

0 Dazai (he’s the birthday boy king ! )

1 Fukuzawa (the real winner)

2 Atsushi (tiger flexiblity)

3 Kyoka (super tiny)

4 Kenji (Second tiniest)

5 Tanizaki (would’ve done better but Mii-Chan aka the cat jump on him- LOL 😅😂)

6 Yosano (woman flexiblity)

7 Dazai’s ACTUAL placement-

7 Ranpo (would’ve done better but when he got “no” as an answer to “is the reward snacks” he gave up before even trying)

8 Kunikida (Dazai tickled him 🗿)

9 Naomi (has girl flexibility but wanted Tanizaki to win over her)

10 Kirako [office lady] (has girl flexibility but didn’t really try)

yippieeee Fukuzawa Dazai wins 😁🏅

for dinner you had spicy curry (either Kunikida or you made it)

And his cake was marble, I feel like he’d really like it

⚠️Suicide/death mention⚠️ (ofc it’s Dazai..)

at some point he asked you to commit double suicide with him, you can’t say no! It’s for his b day!! 😖😫 imagine dying on the day you came into the world!! With your lover! Isn’t that just romantic!~ 😍 hurry! Pick a painless way to die from this book of his before the day is over!! 😄 no? WHYYY?! 😩 *cue Dazai melting and turning into a hot mess on the floor*

by the end of the night your apartment is pretty messy and you and Dazai are cuddling up in bed, your head on his chest (or vise versa whatever you prefer <3) in solidarity silence

he demands you give the birthday king a goodnight kiss, and you do 💗

Short n sweet, but sometimes that’s how we prefer it, right?

-Brook🏴‍☠️

[purple-plum-petals]

Help my family. War is devastating. There is nothing left for life. No schools, no universities, no home, and no dreams. All dreams have been destroyed.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/dydb36-gaza -palestine

⊱ The Scars That Remain ⊰ || Boothill and Aventurine Angst Headcanons

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮        Character(s): Boothill and Aventurine (Separate, Honkai: Star Rail)        Warning(s): Spoilers for Boothill’s and Aventurine’s Backstories, Discussions of Survivor’s Guilt, Mentions of Suicide/Attempted Suicide/Suicidal Ideation, Implied Alcoholism, Religious Trauma, Overall Theme and Discussion of Death/Genocide.        Genre: Headcanons, Angst.        Word Count: ~1000 words        Author’s Note: I know that Boothill and Aventurine are fairly popular characters within the fandom, and one of the reasons why they’re so beloved is because of their backstories. Both of these characters are victims of war – victims of genocide and a massacre at the hands of the IPC on their respective home planets of Aeragan-Epharshel and Sigonia.

There is a genocide happening to Palestinians at this very moment, and thousands of people and families are being displaced and murdered simply because of the land in which they live. Please, if you are financially able, help this family. If you’re not able to contribute to their evacuation, spreading the word about this family may reach those who are able to donate. The family’s gofundme can be accessed here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/dydb36-gaza -palestine ╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

🌾: Sometimes Boothill wonders what his family would think of him now, wondering if his fathers and siblings would even recognize him after what he had become. He was no longer made of flesh and blood – he was no longer human. He tries not to dwell on the thought for too long. After all, there was no point in thinking about hypotheticals. He would never know what his loved ones would have thought because, if they were still here, he wouldn’t have taken the path that he did.

🌾: When Boothill hears the sound of children laughing and playing, or when he walks past small dresses decorated with beads and ribbons and lace, he can’t help but wonder if he would have been a good father if he had just been given a chance. He thinks about that little girl he had found and taken in as his fathers had with him on lonely nights. Nights when he absentmindedly strums the strings of a recently stolen guitar, remembering the one he had carved for her, the one she would slap with her small palm and giggle at the noise it made. Would she have grown up to play the guitar, or would she have picked up a different instrument? Those were more questions he would never get an answer to, and the memory of that high-pitched babbling laughter haunted him.

🌾: Boothill frequently wonders if his fathers knew how much he loved and appreciated them, the two men who had taken him in and raised him as if he were their own. He thinks about the times he could have done more for them, or his mind thinks about all the words he could have told them so they knew without a doubt how much they meant to him and how much he cared for them. Even though Boothill wasn’t the one who gave the order, sometimes he feels as though their blood is on his hands.

🌾: He suffers from immense guilt at the fact he was the only one from the farm who survived the bombing, wishing that he was either fast enough to have made it there in time to save them, or fast enough that he could have died there with them in his arms. He wishes he could have had the time to make graves for those he lost but, in the fiery blaze left in the attack’s wake, there wasn’t much he was able to do.

🌾: Once he enacts his revenge on Oswaldo Schneider, Boothill will most likely choose to end his own life, going back to his home planet and the farm that had been reduced to nothing but ash. He had already been dead for a long time, and he had a desire to reunite with the people he loved the most in the afterlife. So, he’d settle down on the ground that was once covered in tall, soft grass, and he’d think about the sound the babbling brook used to make as his systems finally shut down. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, the rage in his heart subsidized as peace finally washed over him.  

🎲: It came easy to Aventurine, the ability to put his life on the line without any instance of hesitation. That was something he had done for a long time now, using his own life as another gambling chip on the table. It probably wasn’t normal for one to continuously try and end their own life in the dreamscape just to see if it would stay permanent, either, hoping that deep down they wouldn’t wake up in their room on Penacony. Here he was, though, sitting up in the dream pool as he tried to catch his breath after the latest little “test” to see if a true death truly didn’t exist in Penacony’s dreamscape.

🎲: Aventurine remembers vividly what it was like, floating in the cold water as his clothes stuck uncomfortably to his skin while he held his breath, trying not to move. He remembers the warmth of his sister’s hand in his, the water around them dyed a dark red as the scent of iron and rot filled the air. He couldn’t move because of the fear of being found, the fear of those hunting them like wild animals realizing they were indeed alive and not dead like the other bodies that floated around them in an eerie silence. He remembers the shrill cackles of the men who killed his mother that day, a sound that would never leave him.

🎲: He frequently suffers from nightmares, whether it be each and every event that has stained his hands in red, the death of his mother, or his older sister’s final goodbye to him on that rainy day. One dream Aventurine has quite frequently, however, is the “game” that lasted for two days – a game that resulted in him being the final victor while the bodies of the thirty-four others just like him lay lifeless around where he stood. He dreams of their screams, their hands reaching towards him as they shriek “Why? Why you?” He cannot answer them, though, for he doesn’t know why himself.

🎲: Sometimes, Aventurine’s neck burns and itches despite it being years since the mark was blistered into his flesh or since the cold, iron chains squeezed tightly around his throat. On nights when the feeling won’t go away, he drinks until the burning comes from the inside instead, an almost painful sting in his stomach and chest that makes him forget the way he can still recall how hot iron felt searing his skin.

🎲: Aventurine has mixed feelings regarding the “blessing” he was given by Gaiathra Triclops. He wonders why he was given this blessing, and what was the reason for being the only one of his people to survive – what was his purpose. Why was he made to suffer at the hands of a god that was supposed to love him? Why did she not save his family, his people, who all worshiped her until their dying breath? Aventurine feels immense guilt at the mere thought his faith no longer lies within the god of their clan and wonders what his family would think if he didn’t believe in the god who gave him his blessing of “luck.”

[enriquemzn262]

It’s turboweeb shit time, so be advised.

Anyway, with the new anime season finally settled, let me share with you what I’m watching, or what I at least tried, so in case any of this is of your interest, you may check out:

Mayonaka Punch

A v-blogger has a falling out with her old friends, leaves her channel and accidentally gets involved with lesbian vampires, who now join her in her quest to reach one million subscribers in order to take revenge on her former partners, with the promise that once she does, she will let the main horny lesbian vampire suck her dry (of blood).

Great animation, weirdly deep character developments, an underlying plot of anxiety and denial, and even an exploration of what happens when an immortal vampire gets too close to the spotlight, all the while keeping an overall comedic energy.

8/10, its an original anime so the story will probably warp up by the time the season ends, hopefully they don’t fuck up the landing.

Dead Dead Demon's Dededede Destruction

Aka DDDD

What I originally wrote off because I’m sick and tired of high school anime, it turned out to be quite the fascinating show about life after an alien invasion, with tons of Roadside Picnic vibes, a great cast of screwball characters who are actually as relatable as they are realistic, and for once its a show set in high school that doesn’t give a single shit about glorifying that era of education, you will not see any mention of any school council, festival or any of that tired nonsense.

Plus, there’s always an inherent darkness brewing around the story, with episodes 0 basically setting up how everything will go to shit at some point, and the story slowly moving towards that endgame, it’s great!

Oh, and if you’re a fan of Doraemon, you’ll be pleasantly surprised too.

10/10, I’m absolutely glued!

No Longer Allowed in Another World

In an era where there’s 10 million isekais about the most boring male main characters who go into your standard fantasy world to get harems and be overpowered, here we have a story in which the MC actually wanted to die (by double suicide with his lover), and accidentally got summoned into said standard world, only to say fuck it, I want to die, you fuckers deal with this shit on your own.

No overpowers, no useless harems, no boring MCs, it’s so far a hilarious story about the one guy completely incapable of playing along with the world, and how said world, which keeps getting standard boring guys who do fuckall and just end up indulging in their newfound powers, deals with him, including the love interest, which the guy barely acknowledges, and the standard cute cat girl that’s now the jobber of the group.

7/10, could have tried to make a more unique world, oh well.

Shikanoko Nokonoko Koshitantan

Not gonna lie, I too fell for the earworm of a theme song that dominated memes for a good month before release, and while it does have its moments, it hasn’t really lived up to the potential of it’s wacky premise, mainly because it tries too hard to go for the “cute girls doing cute things” angle, instead of completely embracing the batshit insanity that pops up in every episode.

I’ll still watch it, if anything, I want to see what else they come up with in between the boring school life shit.

6/10, needs more nuclear deer antlers.

Alya Sometimes Hides Her Feelings in Russian

There’s a good number of romcoms this season, and while all are set in high schools, since DDDD showed me there was a chance I could watch a show set in one and not deal with the usual bullshit, I gave it a watch.

It deals with the usual bullshit of school councils, school festivals, clubs and the like.

Honestly, the russian part is what made it somewhat interesting, but that hasn’t led nowhere, so now I have a female love interest that’s nothing more than your standard tsundere, and your standard male lead who at least doesn’t lack a backbone, but that overall remains boring.

5/10, the weird sister is the only interesting thing, but in a car crash sort of way, may end up dropping it if they actually try to be serious with her.

Too Many Losing Heroines

It’s garbage, had an interesting setting of following girls who are basically third wheels in their own love stories, and it could have worked, have they not chosen to tell the story from the point of view of the most boring, spineless, stuttering betamale in existence, the usual curse of the romcom, somehow turned up to 11.

It’s a pity really, overall the animation is really good, and while it gets too horny for its own good many times, it’s still cute to see those girls dealing with their unanswered feelings, a pity we can’t just follow them and instead have to stick with mister whatshisface.

3/10, dropped it after not being able to finish the latest episode (4? 5? I can’t be arsed to check), seriously, just write off the dude and the show will at least be 6/10.

I tried a couple more shows, and iseaki I didn’t know was one that I dropped after the first episode (oh no, I’m actually trapped in a VR game!!1exclamation point), and another about a drunk V-tuber who reinvents herself around alcoholism (good premise, extremely boring execution).

Not gonna lie, I only really like the first two, the other two may drop the ball really soon, and I’m another school council episode away from dropping the russian girl one, so overall it’s been a pretty underwhelming season.

Do watch DDDD though, that one truly is the absolute gem of this season!

[the-banana-0verlord]

Photoshoot

In which Andric's life is told. Inspired from a conversation with @thehollowwriter TW: grooming, depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol consumption, ableism(internalized), ageism(also internalized). Andric is overall a shitty person with a shitty worldview for most of it. Let me know if you want a trigger warning added

CLICK!

Andric is six years old. This is his first photoshoot. He doesn't quite understand what's going. I want to go home, he thinks. His favorite tv show is running soon. It's a season finale, and he doesn't want to miss it.

"Mom?" he tugs his mother's sleeve. "Can we go home? I'm bored."

"Not right now, hun. The photographer still wants to take a few pictures."

Little Andric looks down with a pout. He didn't like the photographer. He looked at him weird, like a predator admiring the helpless prey in it's claws before gobbling up. Sometimes, when no one else was watching, Andric saw him lick his lips hungrily. It gave him chills.

"What a pretty boy you are. Smile for the camera, will you?"

CLICK!

The next week, Andric is the star of an ad playing everywhere. All his kindergarden friends look at him in awe. The boy's torso fills with pride. He hated the photographer, but if it got him attention like that, he didn't mind.

Andric basks in his celebrity. After all, doesn't he deserve it? He is a pretty boy.

CLICK!

Andric is eight years old. He is in the hospital, watching his newborn sister cry in his mother's arms. Both she and his father sob, while the nurses coo.

"What a beautiful baby!" they all say. Andric's face tries not to betray his disgust. He disagrees. His little sister's face is all wrinkled uo with no teeth. She looks like an old, rotten potato.

An old, rotten potato couldn't be related to a pretty boy like him.

CLICK!

Andric is telve years old. His life consists of school, photo studios and meetings with his manager. Audrey, his little sister, keeps bugging him for attention. He refuses every time, before going away from a photoshoot, leaving her frustrated and teary.

He tries on a few clothes for a contract with a teen's magazine company. The photographer watches him intensely. Andric knows it's because he's pretty.

Contrary to his classmates, he has no zits, no acne. His hair is woven into shiny raven locks. His skin is smooth and his lips fill in perfect shapes. He is thin and slender. No matter if he has to starve himself to attain that. He even manifested his magic not too long ago. He is perfect. So why does he recoil everytime his manager puts is hand on his shoulder?

CLICK!

Andric is sixteen years old. He received his Night Raven College letter a few months ago. He stands in all his glory in front of the dark mirror. The whispers behind him fill his ego to the brim.

"Pomefiore!" the mirror blurts out. Ha, of course the prettiest student would get sorted into the fairest dorm.

The boy goes to join his dormmates. Yet he does not stand with them, but by them, his shine overshadowing his dormmates.

CLICK!

Andric is nineteen years old. For his fourth year, he's pursuing medicine to research cosmetics. While he studies during the day, he parties hard all night. He plays both men and women, breaking hearts and drinking away just to feel something. But he never does. So he tries again. Party, sleep, hungover, class, party. Rinse and repeat.

Then, he graduates. Despite his nightly activities, his grades are stellar. Nothing less from the perfect Andric.

CLICK!

Andric is twenty-three. He watches his parents wrinkle up and die. It's sad, really. In their final moments, they didn't even have the priviledge of beauty. Andric swears to never age, because to grow old is to decay.

Andric stands at his parent's funeral. His sister, fifteen and an orphan, is sobbing loudly. Andric does not shed a tear. Crying gives you wrinkles.

Andric sends Audrey to live with their aunt. As a legal adult, he could've taken her in, but he didn't. His home was like him, perfect, and everything that lived in it had to be perfect as well. She wasn't. So she couldn't come.

CLICK!

Andric is tenty-five. He meets Cindy, the most beautiful woman alive. She takes his breath away. Yet, she hates herself. She wishes her voice was deeper, he shoulders broader. Andric finds it ridiculous. Why change something already perfect?

Few months later, Andric and Cindy recite their vows. It was only natural for the fairest of each gender to get together.

Neither of them smile in their wedding pictures. Smiling gives you wrinkles.

CLICK!

Andric is twenty-eight, and is now growing anxious. His contracts keep getting denied in favor of younger models. He sends every application he can, until one finally calls him back.

He drives to the studio giddily. He is still has worth. He's still pretty. He wasn't prepared for what was to come.

In the middle of a shoot, a defective projector falls on his leg. He's rushed to the hospital, and a sense of dread fills his stomach.

CLICK!

Andric is only tenty-nine, but his life is already over.

His broken leg healed, but the nerve damage was so bad he can'T walk without a cane to support him. He stays in bed all day, even when he gets hungry. Why eat? It won't repair his leg.

Cindy tries her best to cheer him up, to get him out of the house. Nothing works. Defeated, she demands a divorce.

Andric has nothing. No wife, no beauty, no money, no worth. No one will make a contract with a disabled man. No one will put a man using a cane on the cover of a magazine.

Andric is only twenty-nine, but he wishes he was dead.

CLICK!

Andric is thirty years old. He hasn't left his home in a year. A friend from his medicine internship comes to visit him. Compared to Andric, who is a dead man walking, this friend is successful. He is a famed doctor teaching at an even more famed university.

The man comes with a suggestion. Andric already knows basic medicine. He could pick up the practice again, and enter his friend's univeristy. He could get a doctorate. Andric gives it a thought, and finally accepts. It's not like he has anything else to do.

CLICK!

Andric is thirty-six years old. His studies are finished and he gets his certificate and permit to practice medicine. He's still not happy, but he did something of his life.

Night Raven College offers him a place as school nurse. He accepts and moves in.

CLICK!

Andric is forty-five years old. His life is stable. He takes his job seriously and cares for his students. The years softened him up, even if he's still searching for something to fill the void that empties his heart.

He watches the orientation ceremony, and notices a boy. He looks exactly like his sister, he realizes. That day, he learns that he has two nephews he never bothered to ask about.

Andric goes back to his office and grabs a drink. Maybe it's finally time to apologise to his sister and reconnect with his family.

CLICK!

Andric is forty-six years old. It's his tenth year at NRC. This time, a girl shows up at orientation. She's lost, and distressed. Andric pities her.

A month or two later, she shows up at the infirmary, injured. An overblot happened, apparently. He treats her, like he does with everyone else.

Then she comes back again. Over and over again, with even more concerning wounds. He could see the scars settling in on her skin.

Andric doesn't know when or why he became attached to her. Maybe she reminded him of the person he could've been when he was younger, strong in the face of hardships. Maybe she just made him think of a wet kitten in a cardboard box who needed a home. He'll probably never know.

Either way, he ends up with adoption papers in his hands.

CLICK!

Andric is forty-seven years old. He is not a perfect pretty boy anymore. Maybe he never was. He is wrinkled and cannot see without glasses. Strangely, it doesn't bother him that much.

His work as a model is long gone. He's a doctor now, and it fulfills him more than standing in front of a camera ever did. He donates to campaigns who promote anti-objectification and grooming of children in the entertainment industry. He doesn't want anyone to be like he was.

He apologized to his sister. She doesn't forgive him, but he understands he can't undo all the pain he caused in years in only a short span of time. He's just thankful she lets him see his nephews and lets his daughter be a part of their lives.

Speaking of his daughter, she isn't lost anymore either. She found a place in this world so strange to her. You almost don't notice the scars when she smiles.

He also got some news from Cindy, or rather Corey. During the years after the divorce, Corey found out he was happier as man. Andric and him go out for dinner sometimes. Extinguished flames seemingly can burn again.

Finally, Andric doesn't flinch at the flash of a camera anymore. He also eats healthily, skipping no meal. He walks with his cane openly and proudly.

Andric is forty-seven. And he feels alive at last.

☀☀☀

Thank you for reading! Reblogs and comments are appreciated, but no pressure!

taglist(ask to be added or removed): @thehollowwriter @xen-blank @casp1an-sea @iabsolutelylovedragons

[glazedsnail]

Ok so, I'm really close to finishing my small fanfic thing and I'm actually happy about how it turned out.

I didn't think of a title for it so I'll go with:

And Misery Loved Company

Title might and will change because I have absolutely no self control and no sense of permanence

I'll post it in chapters and stuff.

This first doesn't really work as a chapter but I thought I'd have to cut it somewhere and be able to give youse a taste?

So here's a sample.

TWs are for the whole work, not this particular sample sorry horns friends.

Stardew Valley fanfic ShanexOCFarmer(Female) 18+ swear words/substance misuse/explicit/suicide ideation/mention of abuse

I’ve been in this town for a few months, and already so much has happened.

I didn’t know the first thing about farming, and now look at me. I wear overalls, a straw hat, I use a pitchfork, sometimes. I have dirt on my hands, my knees, my legs, my arms, my ass. Everywhere really. 

I’m… Moderately successful in the matter of crops and sheep handlings. And I just know my quality wool will one day fetch a very high price on the shelf of some high end stores. If only I could handle those blasted sheep correctly. 

I wanted to give up, like I’d given up so many things before. So many times. But when I managed to spool my own skein of wool, from my very own sheep, I knew I had to keep at it. I cannot wait to start knitting with my very own wool. 

Trust me, this was an even better feeling than when I ate my first omelette made from the eggs of my own chickens. And I do love my chickens! 

Of course, I met a lot of new people. Marnie, for one, is my farm neighbour. She helped me shear my first sheep, and eased me into farm animals ownership. I had never owned anything bigger than a guinea pig. And that guinea pig wasn’t too fond of me anyway. She entrusted me with the care of two sheep and three chickens.

The man who came to deliver my chicks is her nephew. I had met him a handful of times. At the supermarket where he works, at Marnie’s ranch, as he apparently rents a room from her, but mostly at the saloon. We never talked much compared to the others. He wouldn’t let me, and I would let him. At the time.

He wanted to make sure I had a suitable home for the chicks. He didn’t seem too pleased to do the work, to be there, at all. I remember barely getting a “mornin’” when he came in, and he would certainly not stick around for coffee or a chit chat.

I mean, he was completely being his usual self. I wasn’t surprised. The only surprise was that I actually did put the kettle on just in case.

However, once he opened the crate, the man constantly frowning at the bottom of a glass, and who had quite literally told me to “fuck off” was somehow… beaming? He handled the chicks with such tenderness, it almost made me feel bad to buy them off. Suddenly, he was sharing his knowledge of chicken care, making sure I was ready, and showing some incredible kindness towards the three little chicks I had gotten from Marnie.

Everytime he was giving me the brush off, I would remember his kind eyes from that day, and it would give me enough drive to persevere. Maybe too much, definitely too much for his taste. I was persistent, perhaps annoying, absolutely intrusive. When I saw those caring eyes almost close forever, I witnessed the dormant strength hiding within, and I knew.

Today, I’m meeting him at the beach.

I made a pizza from my own flour, with sauce from my own tomatoes. Cheese and pepperoni are from Pierre’s, the grocer, but come on. The base is homemade therefore this is a homemade pizza. And who cares where I got the olive oil, salt, and yeast from…

I have been looking forward to this, hum, evening, I guess. I was going to say “date”. Surprisingly, we did kiss.

Moving to Grandpa’s old farm was in no way a scheme to get me on the dating scene again, not after everything in the city, not after 30. And certainly not with a man as rude as him. Crazy how things can change drastically with time.

The kiss was more a heat of the moment type of thing. I liked it. Though.

He wouldn’t have suggested this picnic at the beach if he wasn’t thinking the same.

I pack my homemade pizza, homegrown dried and fresh hot peppers, a pack of six, and some muffins I made with my own eggs, own flours, and my own seeds. It amazes me how good I am at this farm living thing. I hope Grandpa is watching. Mostly.

The air is still warm, but the leaves have started to fall. I smell the distinct perfume of rain in the distance. Here, so far, the slowly darkening afternoon sky is still clear.

I’m nervous. I feel something I could describe as…this high schooler heading to meet with their crush and spend some time alone for the first time. I gulp. This definitely rings somewhat familiar. I mean, I didn’t put on any of my best underwear though. I’m too old for this.

Damn. Listen to me.

I shake my head to get rid of those idiotic thoughts as I walk past the village waterhole. I wave at the villagers who have now become my friends. Emily points at my basket and I remind her of my dinner plan. She smiles with all her pearly whites while commanding me to wait. She shortly comes back out of the saloon with a mist up tupperware filled with warm pepper poppers, and a bottle of strawberry juice. My favourite.

‘Emily, you shouldn’t have!’

‘Oh Fern, please. It was also Gus’ idea. You must know all we want is the best for you.’ She grins.

‘Pardon?’

She laughs and disappears behind the wooden door. Well. She’s always been a bit of a nutcase. Affectionately though.

When I stand on the sand, I hear Shane over the rolling waves, calling me, and my nervousness instantly disappears. He’s still wearing his work hat, probably came here straight after work. He spreaded a blanket and had started dishing out a bunch of snacks from his bag.

‘Well, we won’t starve!’ I laugh, emptying my basket. As I sit down I see Shane glance at the glass bottle Emily gave me.

‘Is that strawberry juice?’

‘Yeah. Emily gave it to me on my way here. Look, she also gave me these! Compliment of Gus. They’re your favourite aren’t they?’

I smile so hard the corners of my mouth might crack. I’m just comfortable.

‘Y..Yeah’

He obviously is not.

‘Are you ok? What’s that you just rammed in your bag?’

‘Nothing. Is that homemade pizza?’

I’m way too proud to continue probing. I happily remove the cloth from the plate:

‘Pepperoni! Just like you like it.’

He smiles and chuckles, visibly embarrassed.

‘What’s the matter?’ I ask. He quickly glances at his bag. ‘Do you know you still have your work hat on?’

He looks up, grumbles, and removes his hat he tries to put in his bag. Bag now at my arm's length.

‘What are you hiding!’ I say, snatching the surprisingly heavy backpack from him.

‘Fern!’

I pull out two plastic bottles.

‘Joja strawberry juice?’

He quickly grabs his bag back in a groan.

‘But, why were you hiding it?’

‘I know it’s your favourite.’ He sighs. ‘Just wanted to, like, surprise you and be nice is all.’ He frowns, and blushes lightly. ‘I didn’t know this was such common knowledge, and now you’ve been given the nice stuff in a glass bottle and all you probably won’t want my Joja crap.’

I catch myself giggling.

‘What’s so funny?’ He snaps.

‘Shane, that’s incredibly sweet. Thank you.’ I cradle the bottles in my arms like the most cherished present. ‘You know I used to drink these all the time when I was a teen, I’ve not had any in ages. Truth be told I thought they were discontinued.’

He seems to relax a bit.

‘It’s full of crap’ he smiles ‘Maybe it’s gone in the city and they just get rid of it in small towns’.

‘No, they still sell Joja beer everywhere, trust me.’

We laugh, I’m glad he seems a bit more in the moment.

‘You know’ I start ‘Emily’s barmaid, it makes sense she’d know my favourite drink, right?’ He nods in acknowledgement ‘But, knowing your favourite dish? I should be the jealous one.’

His eyes open wide.

‘I…err… It’s not jealousy it’s’

‘I’m just teasing’ I say, gently elbowing him

‘I’m such an idiot.’ He says back, hand on the back of his neck, with a slight smile nonetheless.

‘You’re not an idiot. You’re cute.’

I hand him a slice of pizza I was busy cutting. His cheeks turn bright red and he tries to disappear in his hoodie. I clearly didn’t realise what I said. He eventually clears his throat and grabs the slice with a small ‘thank you’.

[sonicjustbecause]

About Shadow, constantly switching from cool to awful.

I wonder if Shadow is controversial for his being (in some incarnations) a gray (if not dark gray) character of for his being (in some incarnations) a poor character. He suffers for the same inconsistencies of other Sonic characters, for obvious reason (many heads work around Sonic, so this thing is completely normal). Surely, is many incarnations can get crazier than Sonic's. He's not always this sullen calico hedgehog, in some incarnation he may be even cheerful. The only consistent thing is his grim look.

Adventure/Heroes/'06 Shadow

This Shadow is the first and original one. He remembers me a lot Midna from legend of Zelda, a character with a sinister and evil outlook that turned out to be a nice person. The original Shadow indeed is nicer than he might seem at first glance and has a lot of nuances. He's not grumpy and he rarely gets angry, he is overall cool.

He doesn't start as a good guy. He debuts as vengeful, lunatic (he talks like a mad scientist and is melodramatic) and makes a fool of Eggman (Eggman doesn't realize, is funny). All of this was due to his intense unhappiness and his horrible past. He was created on the space colony ARK by Eggman's grandfather, Gerard Robotnik as a living weapon for G.U.N. and as medicine to cure his niece, Maria who had AIDS. Shadow befriended Maria and was a sort of a younger brother to her. Unfortunately, ARK was raided by G.U.N. who feared Shadow, the very weapon they commissioned, and everybody were killed, including Maria who sacrificed herself to save Shadow. One thing that I noticed is that Shadow didn't fight back when he was attacked by G.U.N on the ARK, he just tried to escape with Maria. My interpretation is that Gerard programmed him to be obedient and submissive to G.U.N.). Captured again, he was put in cryostasis. Before being killed, Gerald manages to reprogram Shadow to carry a purpose of revenge, twisting his mind. Yet the core of his personality remain the same, he saves Rouge twice, once not even knowing who she is due to amnesia (Sonic Heroes). Shadow had suicidal thoughs, he wanted to destroy the whole planet while taking also his own life.

Thanks to Amy he reveals his true (and better) colours. Shadow is a brave, selfless yet quiet guy that keeps a low profile, at first glance he may seem timid but is just cautious. When needed he shows a unsuspected boldness and he is not afraid to speak his mind, yet he has very hard time talking about how he feels, shutting off, stopping to talk when stressed. Early Shadow is not always serious. Sometimes he is a fun guy. When around Sonic or Rouge, or when there is a good challenge, he can be playful, mischievous and cocky, talking almost like Sonic, even using his same catchprhrases. He is very stubborn and never gives up, it doesn't matter what.

Shadow lighting the mood.

He is usually sad, melancholic and very lonely, not only because of his past but also because his future and because he is and will always be an outcast. He is a immortal being, halfway between a fully living, organic creature and an android (he is made of flesh and blood and has a heart but his mind and personality is programmable like the one of a computer) and not as confident as he may seem. He suffers from amnesia and PTSD, and this often leaves him confused and doubtful about himself. A misconception is about himself referring as the 'ultimate lifeform' as a badget of superiority, while he often just refers himself either as 'Shadow the hedgehog' or simply 'Shadow' to remember himself that he is also a person and as such he is worthy, too. Since he was meant to die, the sides of his personality are very compressed and complete in Sonic Adventure 2 and remain consistent in Heroes and 06, changing just that bit, according to the nature and the atmosphere of the games, showing that this version of Shadow is very flexible.

At least in SA2 it was shown he could be a good friend to Sonic. With this spontaneous gesture.

Shadow is left handed. I've read somewhere that he was meant to be Sonic twin and he looks identical to him, a full mirror image, just with different colours and quillstyle. SA2 originally was meant to reveal also Sonic's past. However I don't know if is just a rumor or if that there was this idea around.

X/'05 Shadow

Compared to Adventure/Heroes/06, this Shadow is more bold, moody and violent and way less cautious, often taking decision and acting instead of first watching, pondering and then moving like in early videogames. He is more mysterious than early Shadow from videogames. Even to himself. Not my cup of tea, he is too harsh, but he is perfect for those who love anti-heroes. He has the Jessica Fletcher/Conan Edogawa curse, those close to him always die, like Molly. poor thing. The scenes where he suffers the consequences of his PTSD and amnesia are graphic. Oh yes!

Amnesia. Shadow collapsing in pain.

PTSD. He went blank and froze, unable to do anything.

Edgelord(late '00s and '10s)/IDW Shadow

The most awful and unfortunately the most long lived and well know incarnation, this is cemented in all sonic fans. I think of this Shadow a literally anti-Mary Sue. If Mary Sues are those ultra perfect characters, devoid of flaws, loved by everybody and that are always right, anti Mary-Sues are the opposite, character with no redeeming qualities that are troublemakers. And edgelord Shadow can be a great troublemaker at times. I can't see how we got there, or maybe I do. They flanderized the flaws of X Shadow and twisted his good trait. This Shadow is selfish, extremely arrogant, grumpy, short tempered, sometimes blinded by his own ego (zombie arc docet). Whatever he does is just for his personal benefit and nothing else and his dialectic is foreseeable. Team Dark is gone, no relationship of any nature with Rouge and While IDW Shadow is shown to have a soft spot for the chao, in other incarnations of the same period is shown to mistreat them. I may continue but is all bad things, it gets boring.

Archie/Universe Shadow

He is based on Adventure/Heroes/06 Shadow but he is... warmer? More talkative (but still quiet) and slightly more open, also more bold. He doesn't go mute when stressed though he has a tendency to retreat somewhere and brood when upset. This Shadow seems a sort of perfectionist, he hates failures and put himself under a lot of pressure. Overall a softer version of X Shadow. I must say, at the start i believed this Shadow was just a melancholic Sonic. When I played SA2 first I liked Shadow and his refreshing personality, but in later '00 he started to become less and less likeable. I forgot his original personality. Rewatching cutscenes from Adventure 2, Heroes and 06, I remembered why I used to like Shadow and I realized how Archie Shadow made sense.

Chousoku Shadow

I said things in Japan can be crazier than you think, for this I'll mention this outlandish version. Dash and Spin chousoku Sonic is a light hearted comic and Shadow is part of it. This Shadow is quite arrogant, slightly grumpy at the start and a bit aloof but overall is harmless and carefree. The funniest part is when Sonic and his friend make a horror movie (they tease Eggman while doing so). Guess who Shadow plays? The Grim Reaper. Suits him.

tMoStH Shadow

The context is Amy's birthday and it happens on a luxury train. I guess the right place to fix him smootly, if they will actually do that. In fact, this Shadow start out to be close to the edgelord we are used to. You (you play as Barry the quokka, a deliberately generic character that can be whathever you want). According to you, Shadow is frightening. He quickly gets extremely mysterious with his strange requests and his tendencies to avoid you and other characters. Things take a U turn when you and tails manage to make him speak. He is acting this way to prepare a birthday surprise to Amy but you ruin his plans, when this happens he appear resigned and won't get angry at you. After this, you start to realize he is having fun too and that he actually like this place, although he is not too open about this.

Prime Shadow

After years of unbalanced edgelord, we got a more well balanced Shadow. To describle how Shadow fells there to me, I can quote this:

"Where there is light, there must be shadow, where there is shadow there must be light. There is no shadow without light and no light without shadow...Haruki Murakami 

This Shadow is ethereal and has some mystical aura around him. He is a living being and real, but when he start to follow Sonic, maybe also for his condition of being a paradox person (even more than Sonic since he can't travel among the shatterspace), he seems halfway between a spirit and a living being, as you except he might suddenly disappear bacause of his elusiveness. He is overall social withdrawn and wary, afraid people might harm him later, competitive, a bit playful and mischievous at times, but he takes things very seriously, is higly focused in his tasks and tries to keep Sonic focused too.

Whatever version you like, one thing I know is when describling a character for your story, original or fanfiction, try to feel, rather than take characters traits as single to describle them. This is helpful especially with character like Shadow (I won't trust those who say 'Shadow is easy to move'. he is not. But is true to all character.

Personality traits are ingredients of a bigger... mmmh... cake? Alone sugar tastes like sugar, milk tastes like milk, egg yolk tastes like egg yolk, but cooked togheter the result tastes like the cake you meant to get. I guess you can put Shadow in whathever situation you like and then ask yourself: 'If I was him there, what would I do?'. Don't think to Shadow as sad, as loner or whathever. Feel it. he will be perceived as real to your reader. Remember it will still be influenced by your experiences and outlook (is exactly for this we see all those inconsistencies on Sonic characters), but as long as you don't use your favourite character as your vessel, things should turn fine.

Youtube analisis are helpful to wrap your head if you have some doubts

My personal favourite is the early Shadow. For light hearted content I'll go more to Prime Shadow or tMoStH Shadow (I like prime Shadow more). If you want to go dark, you're safe with X Shadow. I would avoid Edgelord Shadow (although is the most popular) and Chousoku Shadow alltogheter.

[impossiblesuitcase]

I wish someone would rewrite the lunar chronicles but better (no offence to Marissa Meyer) and make it cooler with minor alterations. Such as the cresswell age gap, the lack of futuristic or dystopian description besides the author’s own developed ideas like lunars and portscreens, more cyborgs mentioned so it doesn’t seem like Cinder is the only one really, and just overall slightly better writing minus the attributes that make it very clear this was made in the awkward 2010s. This series has so much potential, the whole idea is fantastic really, but the executions haven’t exactly shown that potential. It’s subjective and I’m not saying it’s a horrible trilogy, because it definitely is not, however, the initial interpretation or impression of the “futuristic cyborg cinderella/fairytales” is such an interesting and eye-catching topic on its own that it becomes a let down in certain ways. It could tell the story of all those Pinterest cyberpunk year 3000 cities. Additionally, various writers and authors have their own unique style of writing and it’d be quite compelling to read this series in a different style, preferably a dystopian author like the ready player one type

I agree to an extent. I too would want to alter some elements such as the wolfen soldiers and the alpha mate aspect. It would be cool to further enhance some of the futuristic elements of the setting. However what we have to consider is this--is there time for that? I personally don't see how more worldbuilding beyond the already extensive groundwork laid could work without slowing the story and pacing. Winter is 800 pages already--imagine if you added to it with further exposition! I feel it would suffer, not shine.

This is not a story about what a technologically-advanced society could look like, it's a story about a lost princess who reclaims her throne and overthrows a broken political system--set in a futuristic society. Marissa is foremost interested in characters and plot, still, when you sit back and analyse the worldbuilding, you can clearly see that she put a lot of thought into it. Cyborgs, escort droids, language evolution, robotic animals, political conflicts, space cruise ships; there's a lot of cool stuff in there! I think of all the things to improve about tlc, this would be low priority.

Moreover, this isn't intended to be a dystopian series, it's a sci-fi fantasy series. No, it doesn't have the social commentary like The Hunger Games, but it isn't trying to. The books in The Lunar Chronicles are based on fairytales, and are therefore meant to reflect the romantic, sometimes improbably fantastical elements of such. And yet still, this series explores themes of racism, ableism, sexual assault, suicide, domestic abuse and classism. These are not the main focus of the story, but they certainly aren't ignored. If the series was any darker, its core values of love, adventure and friendship could fall to the wayside.

You mentioned that the series is a trilogy so perhaps you haven't read all the books (the main series is actually a tetralogy, but the whole series is 7 books in total). If you are looking for a darker, more dystopian feel, try Fairest. For more cyborgs, try The Little Android in Stars Above.

So overall, would I enjoy reading tlc by a different author? Sure. I would love to see how an Asian author would depict New Beijing and the Eastern Commonwealth. However would I enjoy any other version more than the original? I don't think so. It would lose the humour, friendships and character developments that are uniquely Marissa. If The Lunar Chronicles isn't written by Marissa Meyer, then it just simply is not The Lunar Chronicles.

That's just my thoughts and I can understand your opinion.

[harocat]

I really want to babble about how thematically, this ending makes no sense, and it's so contrary to what we've seen up to this point, and how it's not just that it's sad and that TTJ deserves better (though both are true); it's a story about a man who wanted to die that ends up with him… basically committing assisted suicide to save the world, because well, I guess he was right to want to die all along, even though his reasons were ALWAYS because of the cruelty of others, not because of his own self.

Then he finally gains agency and a life that he wants to live, a simple life filled with love and fulfillment that is enough for him, and he doesn't want to die any longer. And it’s taken away from him and he is forced to go back into that mindset of seeking death. He was ready to live. He’d defied fate and he was ready to live. It’s bad. It’s not fulfilling. We already KNEW he would do anything to save LSS and her world. We didn’t need that proven.

It doesn't matter how hard you fight against your fate, how much you love and how much you strive to be a better person, if you are doomed to suffer and die, you will, is what TTJ's story tells us. And if you want to die, you may as well give in, because happiness never lasts.

I also want to ramble about how unfair it was to LSS, who at the end was deprived of agency and essentially just shifted around wherever she was needed, not being allowed to make decisions of her own. How episode thirty-five WOULD have been a much better ending, and if anything, what we see in TTJ's bo’re life in episode thirty-nine reinforces this.

But more than that it's just upsetting to me because this was such a good show, that presented such compelling ideas and did so in SUCH an entertaining way. And yes the scenery and costumes and aesthetics absolutely slapped. It's gorgeous as hell. But also the character dynamics were interesting and complex, and their relationships were easy to get invested in. There were fascinating relationships among the entire cast as well, not just between the leads and couples (XL and TTJ, LSS and Pian Ran). Yes, there were missteps along the way; the dream arc was about twice as long as it needed to be, and even Clam Gege and his sparkles could not save it, the show plodded along a bit in the early thirties (episodes like thirty-three were super disjointed because of time cuts), Mo Nv was added in as a new character for who knows what reason, etc. But nothing is perfect. This is still one of the better shows I’ve watched in a long time, and I was on edge for every new episode. A genuine enemies to lovers story with chemistry and anguish, hatred and tenderness, sometimes all at the same time. I was obsessed.

And… Tantai Jin is one of the best male leads I’ve seen for years. He’s so layered, so interesting, and so heartbreaking, and Yunxi does a beyond incredible job with every moment of his portrayal of him. He’s legitimately a tour de force in the role. Yunxi and Bai Lu both deserved better than this. But a great lead requires deserves a story that lives up to him, and TtEotM isn't that.

I hate that TTJ is going to probably kind of fade into obscurity, at least among English speaking fans, because people are going to be rightfully wary of recommending this drama now. And I can’t blame people, because if I’d known the ending, I probably wouldn’t have watched either. It left me feeling so empty today, and not in a ‘wow hurts so good’ way that true, well done, and cathartic tragedy does.

One can hope youku releases a ‘fix it’ clip like has happened with some other shows, that at least gives a happier ending for TTJ and LSS. Even then, that’s kind of putting a bandaid over a gaping wound, because a lot of the issues with the ending will still exist, but at least it might make it so I can recommend it with a ‘yeah the ending isn’t great, but it’s overall really good.’ And no the audio clip does not cut it.

[oblivious-memorials]

Haven / God of FATE

>> Basic info!

Age: 17 • Birthday: 5/5 • Pronouns: They/Them

<Picture— A gacha image of them, no drawing yet>

( More info past the cut, first an info-dump: THEN their past, trigger warnings will be provided before their past gets shared! )

INFO DUMPY TIME :D (Ish-Whatever)

> They were assigned male at birth!

> When it comes to outfits, they typically present between feminine or ambiguous! (They have a great style)

> They’re quite welcoming and optimistic towards strangers, yet getting to know them is getting to know a chaotic demon who copes with dark humor

> They’re so in love with their partner(Cas) that the two are fiancé’s and so gay for each other even when they’re basically completely different personalities and different interests.

> Music is one of their passions, playing piano especially.

> CANNOT COOK, PLEASE KEEP THEM AWAY FROM FIRE (they don’t understand that fire=no touch)

> If dancing outside in the rain with your partner is a love language, consider Haven set for life with that.

> Enjoys staying up to watch the moon and stars in the night, even when the clouds cover their view, they feel more free around night time

> Despite the joking and typically harmless demeanor: They know how to pick a fight, and if you dared to cross a boundary despite several warnings— They know how to break someone mentally. or, depending on things, physically as well.

> They NEED to have certain aspects of freedom during the day. Whether it was running around outside, spending time in a forest- They cannot stand being around people for too long.

> Their title is so heavily feared, nobody sees them as a threat when it’s just their name because it’s like those two lives have completely been separated.

> Very protective of others

> Despite being able to put up a front, they’re an introvert with a lot of social anxiety

//\\

STOP

Beyond this point is their backstory, ALTHOUGH!! Trigger Warnings for anyone who aren’t comfortable with the following—

Child abuse, Terminal illness(?), Underaged Drinking, Drug use, Neglect, Suicide, Starvation, Sexual Assault, Death of a family member/Loved one, Abandonment, Pedophilia, Bullying, Alcoholic&drug addict

• Continue past this part with those things in mind!

There is NOTHING ELSE written below: then their past, everything else has been written above this point!!

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[Birth/The beginning]

> To say Haven’s mother wasn’t intent on having a boy, was an understatement. She wanted a girl, and lived in surprise up until she got handed her kid… A kid she despised because of its sex.

Their father however, cherished little Haven. The first two years of Havens life were precious, yet filled with love from only one side. Their mother would work, and busy herself so often she never even wanted to be around her own child… But their father raised Haven happily, not quite able to catch onto his wife’s hatred for their child.

Yet around 2 years, 4 months, their father grew very ill and very quickly passed… His last wishes to his wife, was for her to raise their son happily and healthily… Which didn’t happen.

After a week, she was so ignorant of her child, that she very oftentimes left home, so while she went out to work and life…She was leaving Haven alone, in a home that wasn’t child friendly, or protected. After a few months of that, and a fatal accident where Haven managed to get somewhere high, and fall down from… Their mother started leaving Haven stupidly with their neighbors…

The neighbors had kids, however the family alone wasn’t very.. Safe or welcoming. Especially to a two- Almost three year old.

From ages 3-7 they lived mostly in with the neighbors. Being denied food unless they did chores, being locked away in the basement for making mistakes, and overall creating a heavily toxic and abusive home, where one of the eldest kids tried to protect the youngers, and the other was a creep, typically watching everyone and making rather brutal comments… Sometimes even hitting or blaming the other kids for things they didn’t do.

The bullying and punishments happened often to Haven, who was still a very young child, although nearing the end they were rather defensive and just… Hurt. Mentally really hurt.

Around 8, they went back to their mother for good, as she’d been fired, and no longer could keep ignoring her child.. That was also when Haven got sent finally to a public, awful, school. Their mother had started to indulge and loose herself into the mentality and addictions to drugs and alcohol (she blamed herself for loosing her husband, and after trying to numb the feelings for so long she ended up loosing herself in the process) Meaning she didn’t mind making and forcing her SON (currently) into… Dressing and forcefully being made to act as a girl.

When it came to school… There was a specific male teacher of theirs that couldn’t help themselves as disgustingly as it was… Seeing a little boy in a girls outfit was just… The teacher started to pull Haven aside and constantly after school touch and assault them- while their mother was too high to acknowledge her child was getting harmed weekly, and coming home hours too late. Her mother was even ignorant enough to give her child alcohol just to get them to shut up. (She did this several times)

Haven was constantly having interactions with that adult teacher, up until they were 10: When things finally changed one night.

A call came in to [Guards/Officers?] one morning, Haven had been absent and with their mothers terrible record (drugs/alcohol/reckless behavior) they wanted to check if things were okay…

What they found was little 10 year old Haven, looking confusedly at their mothers hanging rotting corpse, as they ask why ‘mommy hasn’t moved in a while’ …Their mother had killed themself, and Haven was in that house for 7 days. Alone. Confused. And, starving.

No relatives would claim them, and most even saw Haven as a curse for their unnatural uncanniness of how they acted alone… Instead, they were placed in a relatively small foster home…

Which for once, Haven met the most loving parent, who instantly accepted Haven as their own.

They got moved schools (thank god) where they met Cas. Lunar. Aspen. Z, and [SPIRIT]! Who all made a wonderful safe friend group! Things were amazing from age 10-16

Around 16, the withering event happened (something to be explained another time) …Their new Mother was killed as they tried to get away, specifically protecting them- and thanks to Morality they were brought to safety— ALTHOUGH! They are one of the few who got split away from everyone

When getting saved, that is when fate ‘chose them’

Haven is essentially the newly ‘reborn’ God of fate, that is when their hair changed. (They USED TO BE A BRUNETTE! This— As they call it— Curse changed their hair. and gave them the mark under their eye.)

Despite not fully understanding their new responsibilities yet(17), and finally being reunited with Cas… They still have a lot to go through, and a lot more to learn.

At this point, the only ‘happy ending’ they believe in… Is to just stay with Cas forever. Through anything more to learn… They’ve lost so much— They can’t have complete happiness and perfection- But all they can wish for is a life with Cas. Even. If they die together.

[mrgaretcarter]

Time to gush about Hacks season 3 and Deborah and Ava's relationship

Ps: I do not ship them, if you do that's great, it's just not how I perceive them

This is actually more of an overall appreciation post for the show and the way it exists, but I just love that they pour so much value into the creative relationship between these two women, and that, though the show is realistic about the toll of prioritizing a career, it still romanticizes that drive and respects their choice to do it.

I love that because they connect through the #1 thing in each of their lives, you know, the work, comedy, there is nobody more important, because there is nothing more important. So, even though they value their families, friends and romantic partners; family, friendship and romance aren't things that they care about (nearly, in Deborah's case) as much as they care about the work, and thus, nobody else comes close.

This was apparent in the first two seasons, but especially now in season 3, I feel like every week I get dizzy with how excellent the writing (still) is. The way they communicate that relationship through just incredible, inspired, narrative choices, not just when Deborah and Ava are together, but also on their own, or via contrast with other relationships, is so so good.

Like Deborah looking at DJ like she actually saw her for the first time only when she does well at the roast, Ava being jealous of Deborah in the context of comedy (I generally love the choice to tell their relationship through tropes that are usually reserved for romance), and then especially the way that Deborah has no built-in limit to what she will ask of Ava except when it comes to Ava's career.

Deborah will take up all of Ava's time, insult her and violate her boundaries unless - and sometimes despite - being asked not to, and yet she has willingly given Ava space twice, both times so Ava could have the chance to pursue her own work and be great in her own right, which is another aspect of their connection I am obsessed with, because Ava does not think she is (one of the) great(s).

Ava thinks her access to greatness is Deborah. When she chooses Deborah over her relationship with Ruby, what she is choosing is the chance to leave a mark that she doesn't fully think she's capable of on her own ("You're the one with all the stories. What do I even have to say?"), and I think the single most loving thing that Deborah has ever done on this show is believing that Ava is independently capable, and more than that, wanting her to be.

That is incredible because Deborah otherwise loves to be the Sun, to be the provider to this group of people and to keep them trapped in her orbit that way, including Ava, yet Deborah still went through with pushing Ava out in season two because again, the love they have for for each other is inherently tied to the value of their work, so the ultimate proof that Deborah cares about Ava can only be related to that work.

I'm not going to go too much into the sense-of-self aspect of this because otherwise I'll go insane, but I really think that Deborah sees Ava as a do-over, and on some level appreciates that she can believe in Ava in a way that she was never believed in when she was the one clawing her way to success.

That is the other side of the scale, because in 3x04 we see that despite the residency and the fans and the money, Deborah's never felt truly valued in her work until now, and even though the people in her staff believe in her, they believe in her within a specific set of circumstances, while Ava believes in her without restriction.

Like when they're on the jet, Deborah says she cannot just outright ask for the Late Night gig and everyone immediately accepts that it would be total suicide because of how society views women and they think Deborah is beholden to that. But not Ava. Ava thinks Deborah is above those restrictions because she is idealistic in a way that Deborah had never allowed herself to be, or be around, because she was scared of the vulnerability that came with that ("If I say I want it and then I don't get it, for the second time, then I'll be a joke again.") until now, until Ava.

In short, they have this back and forth of trust and belief in each other, coupled with a total commitment to the work that I feel very emotional about. It's not unusual to see that type of partnership in media, but I do think it's rare to see it between female characters, especially as the focus of long(ish) form television, and especially because it demands that the audience recognize a passion and brilliance in these characters that is difficult to sell overall, especially difficult to sell with women, and twice as difficult to sell when it's two of them.

I realize that most of the people avidly watching this show and posting about it on tumblr are probably part of a captive audience that is already more than open to the concept of women as people with valuable inner lives, but I feel like this show has even burst out that bubble and managed to get recognized at a more mainstream level which makes me super happy.

Anyway, I hope they sweep awards season.

[dateamonster]

thoughts on komachi as a character?

hello! im revisiting this now that the series has just ended. sorry to keep u waiting but lowkey glad i did because honestly at the time? i did not think much of her lol. even now i would say i have mixed feelings on like her writing. she kinda has a strange place in the story as someone who starts out very essential and then all but disappears only to reappear to deliver a major twist. thats still not something i love, but now with the finale chapter out, i find myself her liking her a lot more than i did.

komachis backstory felt a little Much to me in some ways, but i appreciate like what she represents in the story. the thesis of liar satsuki is ultimately about whether or not it is worth it to preserve the lives of people who may never appreciate it, sometimes even people who make others lives worse by continuing to live. i think it makes sense that komachi serves as like the final test of that, a person whose existence is actively detrimental to others and, in addition, wants to die.

and while the ending felt kind of abrupt, i think it was sort of beautiful to use the last chapter to show komachi grappling with the ideas the series has spent its entire run laying out. the conversation between her and her teacher was extremely sweet and did make me a bit emotional, and it feels good to see komachi advance from a sort of empty person to someone who does still have some of that suicidality but is beginning to learn that her life has the same innate value that everyone has.

whatever else i think of the ending overall, this was such a good ending for komachis character.

[michigrane]

The Illustration of Mental Health in The Perks of Being a Wallflower and All The Bright Places

Introduction

The purpose of this essay is to analyse the different characters presented in two novels and how the authors project different mental health issues. After presenting an outline of both novels, I will briefly analyse the past of both authors and how it influenced the creation of these literary texts and how the language style in which both are written affects the way the reader perceives the story of the characters. Finally, I will evaluate and compare both novels and the problems presented regarding mental health. 

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky and All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven are similar stories that introduce teenagers with different mental illnesses which affects the way they behave. In the former, the main character is Charlie who, after going through different circumstances which affected his mental health, he distanced himself from people, as he believed he was not good enough for them. This is similar to Finch and Violet, both main characters of All the Bright Places who suffer different losses and experience certain events that change their behaviour leading them to isolation.

Therefore, by comparing the different issues that each character faces and how these problems are overcome, I will analyse and answer the following research question: To what extent does Stephen Chbosky and Jennifer Niven, in their respective novels, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and All the Bright Places, are successful in illustrating teenager’s mental health issues?

Background information of both novels

Stephen Chbosky, an American writer born in Pittsburgh, uses some personal experiences when writing The Perks of Being a Wallflower, published in 1999.

Charlie Kelmeckis is a shy boy that finds it difficult to make friends at school. Even though he is very caring, sometimes he does not choose the right path and makes poor decisions.

Chbosky introduces certain places very important for Charlie, such as the tunnel where Charlie feels infinite and the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which provide him with different skills he uses to overcome some of his issues and where he starts engaging with Sam, his love interest.

The first events that changes Charlie completely are the deaths of both his Aunt Helen and his friend Michael. Even though both incidents are tragic, the loss of his friend has a major impact on his well-being as he takes the blame because of insecurity. When his parents tell Charlie that Michael did not have anyone to talk to, Charlie responded “but he could have talked to me”, doubting whether he was not a good friend and that could have avoided Michael’s death by being closer and more attentive to his needs.

Charlie tries to overcome his problems because of his friend, Sam, who also suffers from mental illness since she was sexually molested in her childhood and teenage years. Nonetheless, when Sam moves to college, Charlie’s mental health starts to get worse as now nothing can save him from his childhood traumas. Eventually, this causes him to have a mental breakdown and almost commit suicide. After ending his sessions in a mental health institution, what makes Charlie’s overall mental health improve is forgiveness. In order to forgive himself and others, he writes letters sharing his experiences.

The author of All the Bright Places (2015), published by Jennifer Niven, is based in Indiana, where the author grew up and she portrays her personal life.

Mental illness has been an important part of Niven’s life since she was a child as she experienced her grandfather’s death, who died of self-inflicted gunshot wound.

The strong parallelism between the author’s real life experiences and the events in her novel are seen through Violet’s life. For example, Niven’s best friend committed suicide and she found his dead body, this is also seen in her novel when Violet finds the body of her friend, Finch, who committed suicide as well.

Violet is a girl who used to be very popular but due to the loss of her sister in a car accident, she began to change; she distanced herself from her friends and stopped doing the things she used to like doing. She feels responsible for the death of her sister which leads her to almost commit suicide in the bell tower of the school, but Theodore Finch saw her and stops her from jumping to her death.

Finch is someone completely different to Violet in terms of popularity, but shares almost the same suffering. He is called “freak” and is known by everyone to be “extreme” since he gets into fights and disappears for weeks. He has different versions of himself, trying to figure out which one he likes the most. Something particular about him is that he is always thinking about suicide. This is because Finch is abused by his father, his family does not take his mental illness seriously and later finds out that he suffers from bipolar disorder, which refuses to accept.

Due to an assignment at school to investigate places in Indiana, Violet starts getting better, but Finch does not. He tries different helping methods, but nothing in his life seems to improve.

The use of language in each novel

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is written using different letters Charlie sends to an anonymous person. The technique and the informal vocabulary used, allows the reader to immerse into Charlie’s thoughts. When Charlie starts getting into a depressive state, his tone is dark and heavy.

The format is written also gives the reader an understanding of Charlie’s maturity. Sometimes he writes without any pause as if he was talking fast and nervously, which is shown in the first paragraph of the book where Charlie does not want the anonymous person he writes to, to find out his identity.

Since it is written in first person, the information is limited, as when Charlie writes to the anonymous person because “she said you listen and understand” and does not explain who that “she” is, so the reader knows what Charlie chooses to describe.

In contrast, All the Bright Places, is written from the perspective of both characters, Violet and Finch, which allows the reader to know how each character suffers from inside. On one hand, Violet uses smoother language from which the reader can perceive her as a calm person that suffers silently. On the other hand, Finch’s way of talking depicts someone messy, without a lot of coherence in his speech, who speaks very fast and does not stop to breathe, making the reader understand his emotional reactions to different situations.

The book is written with an informal language since Finch likes to use obscene words, even though they are never completely spelled out, because his mother taught him to never write it. Informal language is also shown when the characters send each other cell phone texts, however, they are written grammatically correct and without any abbreviations. The only time that a more formal language is used is when Violet and Finch start to communicate how they feel for each other in a more romantic and artistic way, using quotes from Virginia Woolf. This is because both characters feel connected to Woolf’s words, especially because she committed suicide.

The chapters regarding Violet are written deliberated in the beginning, and when she gets better, her chapters are longer and include more action and dynamism. In terms of Finch, his language reflects the mood swings he experiences. When he has a manic episode, he tends to deviate from what he is actually saying by giving unnecessary information, such as when he tells a stranger that Violet is “named for a flower, and her father hates me, and I want her to know that I’m thinking of her and that this isn’t a season of death but one for living”, when in fact, he just wanted to buy flowers. This is similar to Charlie’s tone in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, when he talks incessantly when narrating an important event, showing how difficult it is for them to open up about their mental issues.

The mental illnesses in this book are shown through Finch’s insight since his narration is more descriptive. When he starts falling into a depressive state, Finch’s chapters become darker and shorter. At the end, Finch names Cesare Pavese, an author who committed suicide, by quoting “The cadence of suffering had begun”, and then adding “I’m in pieces”, without further explanations.

Reflection on suicide and death

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie describes his best friend’s suicide and the death of his Aunt Helen in a car accident, feeling responsible in both scenarios. He also tries to commit suicide, and describes how he was found naked and unconscious that his father had to slap him to wake him up, which shows that he was probably intoxicated.

In All the Bright Places, suicide and death are much discussed topics. Violet feels responsible for the death of her sister, which also happened in a car accident, and she is stuck in the healing process. She feels as if she would be cheating on her if she moved on.

Violet blames herself for Finch’s suicide because, after Finch went missing, Violet called his parents for help. Finch felt forced by her to open up, so he had no other choice but to commit suicide.

Finch thinks about killing himself on a tower, drowning on a lake and by swallowing pills. He is closer to death when he swallows sleeping pills, just like Charlie, but he regrets doing it immediately. The difference with Charlie is that Finch is always thinking about suicide, he is aware of the different ways in which people have killed themselves and he only quotes phrases of authors who committed suicide. Finch has days where he feels awake and days when he feels asleep. In the asleep days, he gets into a depressive state, which later on leads him to drown in a lake.

Analysis of toxic relationships

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the theme of toxic relationships is widely present and illustrated. At one point, Charlie’s dad slapped him in the face and her mom was quiet. The mother used to have an abusive father, so the fact that she was quiet when her husband hit her kid shows that she has not healed. Charlie’s sister finds herself in a relationship where her boyfriend physically abuses her. However, she claims responsibility for being mistreated, emphasizing that he is her whole world. When talking about her boyfriend being her whole world, her mother replies by saying “Don’t ever say that about anyone again. Not even me”, showing the relationship they have. This reflects that she is still traumatized about her past, so she does not believe that you can be the world to somebody, not even her daughter, which makes her children feel unlovable.

The thought of feeling unlovable is also present in Sam, Charlie’s impossible love interest, who dates guys that mistreat her. Charlie does not understand why Sam or his sister, love the wrong people and when he asked this to his English teacher he said “we accept the love we think we deserve” which stuck on Charlie forever.

In All the Bright Places, Finch’s relationship with his parents influences his behaviour since his childhood. When he was a child, he asked for permission to let a cardinal inside the house in order to prevent its death, but his parents would not let him. The cardinal ended up dying and Finch felt responsible, but his parents’ response was that he is just a sensitive child. This event had a major impact on the way Finch would avoid opening up about his feelings in the future.

Furthermore, Finch’s mum is absent most of the time. He describes how his mother asks him about school because it makes her feel as if she has done her duty. Finch’s father physically abused his mother and then abandoned them. As a result, his mother thinks that Finch’s behaviour is a consequence of the divorce, instead of digging for possible causes. After his father abandoned them, he immediately started a new family, making Finch feel replaced. His father lets him know that he could not deal with him and that the physical abuse is something that he deserves since “that’s what happens when you’re Finch. The marriage dies. The love dies. The people fade away".

Depicting isolation

Due to mental illnesses, isolation starts to play an important part in the lives of the characters. Charlie is known for being a shy boy who is described as a “wallflower” basically alluding to his personality. However, when his two best friends, Sam and Patrick go to college, Charlie starts to distance himself.

In All the Bright Places, isolation is part of Violet’s life after her sister’s accident. She does not hang out with her friends anymore, does not let any guy touch her, does not talk to her parents nor writes any longer, which she used to like doing.

Finch isolates himself when he is in his “asleep days”. He distances himself from his family, friends, Violet and the world itself; he also disappears for weeks, and the people around him do not think that it is a problem since “that’s just his thing, he comes and goes when he wants”. Instead of asking for help, Finch isolates himself because abandoning his family and friends for a period of time, allows him to have control. Just like Charlie, he feels he deserves to be alone because he takes the blame for the deaths of Michael and Aunt Helen and provokes a fight between his friends. Consequently, by isolating himself, he could not harm anyone else.

Meditating on drugs, alcohol and other ways to escape from reality

In Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie uses different ways to escape from his thoughts. In the beginning, he starts to socialise more and has healthy ways to escape from his reality, such as through music and driving under a tunnel where Charlie describes how he feels infinite reflecting that he finally feels comfortable with a group of people and for a moment, he forgets about all his struggles.

However, Charlie later uses drugs, such as LSD, when he is at a party because he remembers his struggles, such as his aunt and his traumas when he saw a guy raping a girl at a party. This drug provokes him to wake up hours later pale blue in the snow without remembering much, and later was found by a Police officer. He then states that he will never do this drug again, but that he has been smoking weed ever since, which he uses to feel happy when he is not.

In Violet and Finch’s story, the use of drugs is not presented, with the exception of the sleeping pills Finch uses to kill himself. Instead Finch disappears for weeks to detach from reality. He also runs, since he thinks that running fast is a way of running away from his problems. In fact, when Finch finds out he suffers from bipolar disorder, he does not want to admit it nor seek for help because he has a complete lack of insight and does not want to be labelled as “crazy”.

Finch and Violet listen to songs and read books about bright places in the world, as it makes them aware of the positive side of life and allows them ease their anger, such as the emotions that Violet’s sister provoked by “leaving her”.

Violet and Finch use quotations of Virginia Woolf when wanting to express themselves. Both characters rely on her because she was also struggling, which can be seen in her art. This is related with trying to become someone else through a different character, such as Finch when he goes to school with different versions of himself, because he does not like the way he is, so he tries to escape from his own personality.

Contrasting Help Centres, Counselling and Support Groups

In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie talks to his English teacher, Bill, who tries to make Charlie open up and distract him by giving him assignments and books to read.

Later, he decides to get extra help from a Help Centre where he finds out that his Aunt Helen sexually molested him when he was a child, but chooses not to blame her. This is because he says that blaming other people is also blaming their parents or the problems they have been through, so being angry with her does not help him to feel better. Instead, he chooses to decide who he wants to become regardless of any difficulties he went through, and that “things are good with me, and even if they’re not, they will be soon enough”.    

In All the Bright Places, the main characters attend Counselling Services at school, but neither of them open up. Violet acts as if everything is fine and does not like to talk about her sister’s death, while Finch makes fun of his problems and situation to deem them unimportant.

Finch’s Counsellor tries to help him to not commit suicide, since Finch always makes fun of killing himself and it is proven that people who suffer from mental health tend to show a positive attitude by putting on a mask to ignore their mental illness. His counsellor told him that there are people who would suffer if he commits suicide, and Finch thinks “I like the way he seems to think I have many, many people depending on me” which describes how he feels that the people in his life do not care about his mental health. Even though it is true to some extent (such as his father), it is not correct in terms of Violet. Moreover, it demonstrates Finch’s insecurity and himself feeling worthless.

After almost committing suicide, Finch decides to go to a Support Group called “Life Is Life”, attended by people who tried to commit suicide. There he finds Amanda, who used to be Violet’s best friend and the most popular girl in High School. This showed that even the popular girl who looks happy all the time and seems to have everything, suffers from the inside as well. Nonetheless, this Support Group does not help Finch nor does he like it as he realizes how every person there identifies themselves as being depressed, bipolar or having ADHD, as if those things where the only words that define who they are.

Conclusion    

There is a strong similarity between the two novels. However, how successful are the authors in illustrating teenagers’ mental health issues? Chbosky succeeds in illustrating a teenage boy who finds it difficult to make friends and who also keeps all his problems to himself, which causes him to almost end his life. This is something very common as many teenagers find it difficult to open up, just as Violet and Finch in Niven’s novel.  

In addition, both novels illustrate how childhood traumas, such as the sexual abuse in Charlie or Finch’s father abandoning him or the cardinal story, are triggering factors in teenager’s complicated lives.

In terms of isolation, both authors succeed in portraying it. Violet, Finch and Charlie barely talk to their parents, which teenagers tend to do. In All the Bright Places, isolation is better illustrated since the reader can experience it differently through Violet and Finch. In terms of Charlie, he experiences isolation at the end although he already has a tendency to detach himself from people.

The use of alcohol and drugs is only illustrated by Chbosky. This omission regarding substances impacts Niven’s success. Chbosky portrayed what is like to make uses of drugs and how it influences the behaviour, which was perfectly described with Charlie. As a reader, I could experience the use of drugs and the danger it has on a child, which can influence on teenagers when reading The Perks of being a Wallflower. While in All the Bright Places, this topic was not touched so it did not succeed in illustrating teenagers’ mental illnesses since, sadly, drugs and alcohol are common in adolescents.

However, Niven succeeds deeply in demonstrating what is like to have an abusive father and a mother who is emotionally unavailable, and how that affects the child. The reader can experience with Finch’s descriptions what it like to have a father who physically abuses you and also Finch’s behaviour that changed throughout the book because of this abuse.

The Support Groups were perfectly depicted, although both books show a different perspective. Charlie completes his treatment in a Help Centre which ends up helping him and the author demonstrated a more professional cure. However, for a reader, this helping method could not influence since it tends to be expensive and it is not available for many. Therefore, in Niven’s novel, she represented Support Groups where Finch had the possibility to meet people with similar struggles. Yet, it was not helpful to Finch which is also successfully illustrated since teenagers usually have struggle with opening up and Finch does not want to be labelled as mental illnesses. In addition to this, it was very important that Niven showed Amanda’s struggles as being someone who is popular in High School and who seems to have everything. Even though, she still suffers as many teenagers, so, for the reader, it could be a confident boost to see that even the “perfect girl” has her own struggles as well. Actually, Finch described how he felt superior knowing that Amanda has mental illnesses too.

Lastly, I would like to point out that the ending in both stories are successful from this analysis perspective. In All the Bright Places, Finch ends up killing himself, which could make any potential reader with a mental illness, lose hope. However, it clearly depicts Violet’s point of view and how miserable she feels about that death. Therefore, the person who reads it, has the perspective of Finch’s struggles, but also about how the people around him feel about his decision. For that reason, a reader who is thinking of committing suicide, can take in consideration that their friends and family are going to suffer a lot, which is clearly represented in Violet’s descriptions.

In Perks of Being a Wallflower, the ending is really touching and the author succeeds in overcoming Charlie’s mental illness after expressing his whole story, which gives the reader hope about seeing the world in a different way, no matter how many problems you might face. In addition to that, the fact that Chbosky ended the novel by saying “please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you”, gives extremely hope and love to the reader and it makes the person connect with a fiction character. Having in mind that for many it is difficult to open up, so reading Charlie’s emotions and struggles, is a way of overcoming one’s own struggles without opening up to somebody else but a fictional character. Therefore, Chbosky extremely succeed in illustrating teenagers’ mental health issues.

Bibliography

Chbosky S., (1999), The Perks of Being a Wallflower, New York, United States, Pocket Books.

Longden-Jefferson C., Why do I struggle to open up to people? (October 2019): https://highwatchrecovery.org/why-dont-people-seek-help-for-mental-illness/

Niven J., (2015), All the Bright Places, New York, United States, Penguin Random House.

Remes O., Independent, Nearly half of people with depression appear happy – this is why ignoring that can be so dangerous, (February 2019): https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/mental-health-smiling-depression-atypical-happiness-suicide-cambridge-a8794206.html

Susman D., 8 Reasons Why People Don’t Get Treatment For Mental Illness, (June 2015): http://davidsusman.com/2015/06/11/8-reasons-why-people-dont-get-mental-health-treatment/

Thompson E., Pensylvania Center for the Book, Stephen Chbosky, (summer 2007): https://pabook.libraries.psu.edu/literary-cultural-heritage-map-pa/bios/Chbosky__Stephen

[breadvidence]

'34! The Les Misérables adaptation which asks "What if these characters talked straightforwardly to each other?" Quick top notes on part III only:

I felt catharsis from all the other version of these goddamn characters while watching Cosette and Valjean openly discuss Marius and the barricades. The dynamic here is believable and well balanced: Cosette is angry and afraid and a little hurtful with it, but still seeking comfort from her father (and comes across very much sixteen—as one might imagine, given Josseline Gaël was herself only seventeen); meanwhile, Valjean looks a little helpless (I am reminded of the novel dwelling on how unprepared life left him to raise a daughter) and very pained. Valjean hurts his own feelings asking Cosette if she loves Marius above all else, which gets the predictable answer that anyone would understand does not actually mean she wants to abandon her papa utterly, but which you can clearly see him interpreting as precisely that. All in all, this portrayal makes them much more normal, particularly Cosette, while still retaining the kernel of Valjean's profoundly damaged understanding of his role in Cosette's life. Not shoddy work for ten or so minutes of film.

Harry Bauer's strange hand flaps when he protests "I have my own reasons for emigrating!"—why are you being so relatable, sir?

Is Harry Bauer a fucking beast or did they use wires to help support Jean Servais' weight? Bauer tippy-taps his way around the streets and sewers as if he's not fifty-and-change with a grown-ass man sprawled over his back. You get a sense throughout '34 of Valjean's strength and imposing physicality even though Bauer is on the surface kind of dumpy looking, which I found impressive.

I am also impressed by the intensity of Bauer's "fuck this!" expression during the shit quicksand sequence. Later, he will refer to a "wound"—I never actually saw him acquire such a thing (probably due to Criterion's glitchy playback), so I'm left to think he's referring to the psychological/emotional damage of this moment.

Harry Bauer gives Marius a little pat after dragging him through the sewer, which for me echoes Gabrio, and just as in '25 I find the gesture very sweet and gentle. Bauer is a somewhat cantankerous Valjean—very growly—and moments like this balance him out.

Javert also picked up clear communication skills in this adaptation and writes a straightforward suicide note to his superiors, who proceed to cross his name out of a big book?? I laughed, I'm sorry, why is there always an element of comedy to these suicides?

Further catharsis: Valjean's attempt to gaslight and push away Cosette is strangled by a combination of Marius' equanimous reaction to his confession and his own inability to reject Cosette's need for comfort. I prefer the book—I'm here for the emotional agony that is this idiot character's idiot self-martyring—but I am nonetheless here for '34 going "that will take too long (and is too fucking sad)".

The final lines are giving me fits (bad). Namely: "God is just. It is man who sometimes is unjust." I might be going off harebrained on this, but it seems to me that Les Misérables is (among other things) about change, and this is a statement that proposes a kind of stasis, a things-always-are-thus. It isn't even particularly meaningful or thematically pertinent in the context of '34 taken as its own work. It's particularly galling me because I imagine it is riffing poorly off Valjean's "Parce que les choses déplaisent [...] ce n'est pas une raison pour être injuste envers Dieu"—which is a very clever line, meaning something entirely different, and doesn't deserve this treatment.

Irrelevant to Les Mis as such but occasionally a certain camera angle on Jean Servais' face would remind me how gay I am, while other times he has fuckboy vibes?

Overall: a solid film, not quite on par for me with '25, but I'll doubtless rewatch. In particular I appreciate that it deviates from the source material in ways that are consistent and meaningful (though I will say—god, does this movie ever have its silly moments; I forgive/applaud it for them).

[married-2-the-music]

K-pop Discography Deep Dives: Dreamcatcher (Part TWO)

A Disclaimer: I was planning, when I first started Tumblr, to be a lurker, but then I began an office job and needed something to listen to to keep myself occupied. And then, I started going through entire K-pop groups’ repertoires, album by album, and jotting down my thoughts. And then, I stumbled into K-pop tumblr and decided, you know what, there’s at least four people on this hell site who would read in depth rants about these discographies and at least five who wouldn’t read it and then get mad because it’s kind of our job as K-pop fans. My lukewarm takes should be taken with an entire silo of salt and the knowledge that this is completely for fun and occupying my very bored, very neurodivergent brain. All this to say, for the love of god, I’m a sleep-deprived student and I don’t have time for internet hate, so don’t kill me. With that being said, enjoy!

Here are my credentials: I’m a huge fan of Dreamcatcher, and have been an Insomnia since mid-2021 or so, just after the release of BEcause. They were actually the first concert I’ve ever been to, and I couldn’t have asked for a better experience for that. They totally gave their all for those two hours and I ended up loving them even more afterward. I’m even considering going again if they have another tour.

So, we left off after the end of their nightmare arc and a few special singles. Scream begins their next work, the dystopia trilogy, focused on hate speech and cyberbullying. This was the first DC song I heard, and god what a starting point. Those flashes of angry guitar and drums that pound like a heartbeat lead into a soft pre-chorus that lulls you into a false sense of security before that chorus just destroys you. The song is just so done, fitting for a person driven evil by cruelty because they simply couldn’t take it anymore, and its expansive string section adds layers of drama, especially with the distorted (kind of demonic) voice that echoes throughout the post-choruses. Overall, one of their best, though I wish that Handong (who, as mentioned before, was on hiatus during 2020) was there too,

The Tree Of Language is their first full album, and it’s so tough to pick a hidden gem. I know a lot of people love Red Sun but it’s a bit too vibey and meandering for me; it’s never been my favorite. Sahara is a total head-banger and I hope that they take its harsher rock for a title track again sometime. Black or White has some great Michael Jackson energy with its sharp moves and equally sharp chorus, letting the rock take a backseat. Jazz Bar is softer than I expected, with the jazz being more of an undertone and a nice backdrop with the dancy piano for the “I think I love you, oh I love you.”

Paradise is the last song on the album and is a solo for Siyeon, which makes sense given that she’s their main vocalist. It’s a bit calmer of a ballad than usual for DC, who often favor power ballads, but her vocals bring some great depth and emotion to what could be an average b-side. Also, shout-outs to the distorted strings in In The Frozen and the great energy in Tension.

BOCA is part two of the trilogy, and focuses more on the cyberbullying part than the hate speech as Scream does. It’s probably their most popular song overall, breaking into a k-pop market that, in 2020, was much more willing to accept rock than it had been at their debut. BOCA starts muted with a common-for-the-time tropical house beat, which should feel out of place but doesn’t. It then begins to build, as all their best work does, to a power ballad above an insistent electric guitar. It wasn’t one of my favorites at the beginning, but there’s no denying that it’s grown on me in the years since. Coming right on the heels of two tragic suicides in the k-pop industry (Sulli and Hara), which were partially due to immense amounts of online bullying, the lines of “Why do you fill your precious time with hate?” and especially the soul-piercing belt after “Too many angels dying now, I’m gonna change your mind” never fail to get me emotional.

From Lose Myself, despite the sweetness of fan-song Can’t Get You Out Of My Mind, I can’t think of a better hidden gem than Break The Wall. In K-pop, it’s common to decry “ugh this should’ve been a single”, but this should’ve been screamed from every rooftop in the galaxy. From start to finish, it’s a full-on alt-rock anthem that riles up its audience to stand together, rise up, and break the walls of prejudice with all of their strength. Seeing this in concert and screaming the words with thousands of teenage girls and the assorted parents, partners, and siblings that they dragged along (who ended up loving it) was what I might call a transcendent experience. For a couple moments, one would be forgiven for thinking that we could’ve really saved the world.

Odd Eye is the final part of the trilogy, and the return of Handong! It’s a great song, especially in its building pre-chorus, its cathartic bridge, and its distorted background mixed with traditional rock elements, but it’s never been one of my favorites. Unlike with You & I, where I had a very specific reason for feeling meh? about it, I don’t really know why I’ve never connected with this one. Even so, I do love how it ends the series, with the phrase: “in the end, the Dreamcatchers couldn’t find the Utopia they were looking for”, a surprisingly dark finish. When asked about this, member JiU said that they were trying to communicate that a perfect world doesn’t exist, but that the imperfect one we have is still worth fighting for. So, I have to give the song massive props for that.

From Road To Utopia, my hidden gem was Wind Blows. It maintains Dreamcatcher’s essential energy, but both slows it down for a hand-clapping pre-chorus and then ratchets it forward with an EDM-driven chorus that decides to end with a chant-filled post-chorus (that I don’t hate? I know, shocking). I also liked Poison Love, although a lot of that is due to the absolute hilarity of its music video, which is basically a 4-minute soap opera. New Days returns to their early years’ anime soundtrack energy, which is always appreciated.

BEcause is a special single in between the Dystopia and Apocalypse trilogies. It’s technically a love song, but I really like how it plays into many k-pop cliches—cutesiness, love, doll-like aesthetics—but in keeping with DC’s dark concepts, it’s actually about a stalker. The verses are understated, quite upbeat, and poppy, before the pre-chorus figuratively (and literally, in the music video) turns that calm feeling completely upside-down. The vocalizing and the “Be…cause I like you” in the chorus is chilling, and the song goes from 0 to 100 so quickly but so well, as you immediately get the sense that something is very, very wrong.

This EP is, hilariously enough, called Summer Holiday, as though the title track wasn’t one of their most horrifying. It does have some very upbeat tracks that are a rarity in DC’s discography, most notably Whistle, which turns its namesake into a recurring underscore and makes a quite catchy hook. Overall, though, this isn’t one of my favorite albums of theirs.

MAISON is both the beginning of the Apocalypse trilogy and my first Dreamcatcher comeback as an Insomnia (since BEcause came out when I was just becoming a fan and I wasn’t really “aware” of it at the time). Full disclosure, this was the song that made me buy tickets to their concert, and in hindsight, I’m not surprised. Unlike many of DC’s songs, it comes out of the gate swinging. There’s no slow first verse, no ballad to be found, and no way of reading its message as anything other than it is: a vicious criticism of the leaders who stand there doing nothing while climate change ravages the earth (“Oh no, you can’t fool me anymore. It’s weirdly warm, right? The planet, and your conscience drying up”), (“Pretending not to know, you can’t make it disappear”). It ends with only a simple plea: “Please, someone fight for us.” This song remains, to this day, my mom’s favorite Dreamcatcher song. (Hi, mom).

Apocalypse: Save Us is another full album, and has a lot of great songs (some we’ll get more into in a minute). I particularly liked the fun, boppy synths of Starlight, the choppy jazz-meets-alt-rock energy of Locked Inside A Door, and the very sweet Always, which is a song written for fans that they performed near the end of the concert.

Apocalypse: Save Us also contains a solo song for each member, which each of them got to write, and I was lucky enough to see them perform a medley at the concert I attended. First is JiU with the bouncy, retro Cherry, which is a love song written for JiU’s pomeranian Cherry. Yes really. It’s utterly delightful. Second is SuA with the EDM No Dot, which totally fits her role as main dancer because she performs the hell out of it. Third is Siyeon’s traditional Entrancing, which is quite soft and lovely, and makes the best of her excellent vocals.

Fourth is Handong’s quiet Winter, which is a fairly standard k-pop ballad but gives Handong a chance to sing a short a-capella section in her native Mandarin, which, as a linguistics major, I really loved. Fifth is Yoohyeon’s smoothly jazzy love song For, which is the rare k-pop song in English that I don’t mind. Sixth is Dami’s pop-punk Beauty Full, which has some great 2000’s energy and always gets me head-banging. And seventh is Gahyeon’s upbeat and youthful Playground, which is about holding onto childhood. These are all good songs and reflect their own styles well, but my favorite would either have to be Beauty Full or Cherry. I’m a huge fan of artists writing their own tracks so I’m so glad they got to do this!

After that slight digression, next up is Vision, the second song in the Apocalypse series. This one builds on what Maison began, but is resolved to take a far more involved position and not simply wait around for someone else to save them. Instead, Dreamcatcher leads the charge, giving Vision a militaristic feel with its insistent drumline, very present electric guitars, salutes, and flags. It’s a call to action if ever there was one, and features a breaking point just as Scream does, but this time it’s for good. “For your bright tomorrow, and this beautiful place,” JiU announces on the microphone, “For ourselves, give it up tonight! March! Raise your flag and fight again!” And Siyeon’s power note at the end? Excellent.

From Vision’s EP, Follow Us, I liked the synth-pop-meets-chill-rock of Fairytale, which works way better than I thought it would. It’s a sweet love song, and honestly would have made a great single for them if their singles weren’t set on storytelling. It’s very Dreamcatcher while tying that rock to another genre, which is part of the reason why DC’s work always sounds both fresh and true to their core. Some Love is more straightforward rock and EDM, and the Outro is peaceful, steering us into the next song quite well.

Bon Voyage wraps up the Apocalypse trilogy, and begins in the exact opposite way to Maison. Its first minute sounds like a classic love song, and in a way it is one, to the Earth, but I was left slightly baffled. And then, of course, that pre-chorus takes off and we’re back to classic Dreamcatcher in its excellent guitar riffs and power ballading to the stars. The bridge strikes a middle ground, keeping up the energy as the song barrels to its conclusion in what may be Siyeon’s most incredible high note yet. It may be a love song, but it’s also a promise to keep fighting for the Earth, until the day we have to say goodbye.

From the From Us EP, I had trouble choosing between Propose & Demian. Propose at first seems to be this album’s obligatory ballad, but the background crackles with an odd sound and suddenly pulls away with the “Don’t run away, you can’t escape my love,” and I got flashed back to BEcause’s stalking concept. Propose takes that and runs with it, delivering what can either be read as a creepily obsessive song or a power ballad in the name of love. Demian, meanwhile, is very disjointed, going from a usual Dreamcatcher b-side to Dami’s scream-talk sections, sharper raps, and a full-throated run into metal with a guitar breakdown that they haven’t really reached since No More. (And, as a lover of Break The Wall, I of course appreciated the shout-out.)

Reason is a special single for DC’s 6th anniversary, and starts out delightfully sappy: “Because of Insomnia, Dreamcatcher exists”. Overlaid on adorable footage of DC’s journey throughout their years in the industry is a song that somehow manages to be both a rock-metal anthem and an incredibly sweet tribute both to each other and their fans. “I will go far away, I spread out my wings to fly, I have to go on…because you are the reason.” No, I’m totally not crying right now. What are you talking about? (Cue me blubbering into a handkerchief).

OOTD came out less than a week ago, and I admit I was a little wary with its teasers. And it turns out I was right to worry. The song starts with a good EDM smash and some great vocalizing right away, and its pre-chorus’ build reminds me of Vision. I’m intrigued by its choppier editing and its commentary on the fashion industry. Overall, though I think the song has some great ideas (the nu-metal mixed with hip-hop), it goes far too into sing-talk for me and I don’t like the chorus. Honestly, the most accurate thing I could say is it doesn’t sound like Dreamcatcher. It’s not a bad song, so perhaps it’ll grow on me, but for now…I’m afraid not. I think this is the first track of theirs (in an almost 7-year-career) that I haven’t liked to some level, and as long as the issues I had with it don’t continue into other releases, I’m willing to overlook it, like I did with Birthday by Red Velvet, as a “you can’t win them all”.

Versus Villain, the EP, is thankfully as strong as always. Rising carries that great alt rock energy and DC’s signature encouragement to keep going (“raise your arms up, with all your strength, shout!”), which is always nice to hear. I loved this one from the first chorus, and immediately wondered, why on earth was this not the title, guys? It would’ve been perfect!

This may be the most fun I’ve had in my reviews so far! Besides having an excellent discography in just sound alone, they’ve covered trauma, cyberbullying, stalking, climate change, depression, hate speech, love, and hope in under 100 tracks, all while waving pride flags on stage, writing special tracks about loving their dogs, and working their way up in the k-pop world from a tiny company. Their work reminds us all that it’s okay to have bad days but that one day, we will have the strength to accept ourselves, wake up from our nightmares, and start changing the world. And really, what’s more empowering than that?

My Top 5 songs are Break The Wall, What, Deja Vu, Bon Voyage, and Maison, with Wake Up and Fairytale as honorable mentions. Dreamcatcher gets a 10 out of 10 from me, which is no surprise. I can’t really think of anything I would change about what they’ve done, and even though I have my tiny gripes here and there, none of them are enough to make me change my mind. Maybe I’ll be eating my words in a few months, so we’ll see how this ages, but for now I don’t think that there’s any group out there whose work I would rate higher. For now, I’ll end by saying that I’m very proud to be an Insomnia.

Next time, we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming with another boy group of the week, this one one that I barely even know, so I’m looking forward to it! Tschüss!

[tharizdun-03]

Okay, so I liked my overall time with Nijigasaki. It's a generally cute time. It looks quite good (even if the production seems to have been tight so the general animation is sometimes stiff when it doesn't need to be more), and the music video style for the solo performances is something I'll dearly miss if it doesn't carry over into future series.

But I have two main problems with Nijigasaki:

1) It's not goofy enough

2) Too many characters so we don't get sufficient character work

The first thing is more so just a personal preference. Yes, maybe Chika jumping into the ocean and Riko rushing after her because she thinks she's committing suicide, but then it turns out that she was just taking a dip to clear her head and then all the girls have a big gay moment in the water as Chika cries, is a *bit* much. (love that moment tho)

I think for the drama, the more subdued approach sometimes works. Yes, instead of the above moment, the characters in Nijigasaki just talk things out. I like that. Not necessarily at the expense of the other approach, but it's a nice change.

But, it doesn't led itself to the comedy well, and I mainly enjoy Love Live as a sitcom. The characters in Nijigasaki, because they take a more subdued approach, are also just too bland. They're too normal. What is the weirdest quirk in Nijigasaki? Well, Shizuku was scared that people wouldn't like her when she was young because she liked old movies (something that is NEVER brought up again btw. a consistent issue). Compared to Yohane, who falls out of trees and then calls herself a fallen angel, so there's a legitimate reason to be worried that people won't like her lol. Like, the Nijigasaki girls are all too saccharine, they're too smoothed over, they're too boring.

The second thing is that we just have too many characters. Most of season 1 is spent about introducing each girl, one episode each, that we don't get the chance to actually build a group dynamic and individual episodes. Granted, the second season does try to fix this by making units, and I overall think it does improve things, but not everything.

The new girls, for example, get their one episode but don't have much of a build-up. Even with Lanzhu and Mia having struggles that should work, it often just makes me go "i guess that makes sense" rather than actually make me feel something.

Maybe Lanzhu's whole deal of pushing people away would've hit if we actually got more than barely a few actually significant conversations between her and the cast, and some interesting dynamics. Maybe we should've gotten more from Shirioko than just her one episode.

Is it the gayest Love live so far? Eh... Like, sure, it definitely has the gayest MOMENTS, but because of the lack of character work, we don't actually have as gay RELATIONSHIPS compared to Sunshine.

Think about someone like Rina (who should have the face board on way more often, so much missed comedic potential). Who do we ship her with? Ai (who is so flat as a character btw)? We barely get screentime with the two and they don't have much of a dynamic at all. And now Rina is holding hands with Mia and everything?

Or one episode, we get ship bait for Kasumi and Kanata. Does Kanata have any sort of relationship with anyone in the cast really? We haven't developed it. And Kasumin could have more stuff with Shizuku but we barely get anything. There are too many characters. We don't have clearly defined ships.

Why don't we have clearly defined ships? Is that all I'm looking for in this show? Gay stuff? No, but it points to the larger issue. It's because the character work is too vague, too fluid, too underworked. To the point that we don't actually have strong enough bonds between the characters.

Anyway, it's still a fun series. It is by no means close to the best Love Live has to offer for me but it's still a good Love Live series and I enjoyed my time with it. Hope the music video style continues somehow in Superstar. And Kasumin is still best girl.