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daebraeksan · 3 years

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Going on a first date with Sakusa ft. Wanting to have sex with Sakusa and he says no

Genre: first meeting, getting together, first date, dating apps, meeting his friends, fluff/angst, smau & prose

Wc: 9380

Contents: rumination, analysis, past negative experiences (not specified), fears and concerns and overcoming them in a gentle and patient way, Reader never had sex before, reader never been in a romantic/long term relationship, reader potentially aromantic/at least questioning things about societal standards and expectations of romance, negative self talk, not feeling attractive, negative self image/negative body image, paranoia, trust issues, working throuhg feeling shame and negativity about sex/masturbation, feeling helpless and frustrated /facing difficulty about how to work through issues, past negative experiences with dating (mentioned, unspecified), fatalism/pessimism, dating/dating app safety (talking on the app before exchanging numbers, meeting in a public place, telling people the location, etc), mention of working through issues regarding deserving to feel happy, mention of working through issues regarding fear of feeling happy, nervous before a first date, fear of kidnapping (does not happen), self soothing,

~*~*~*~

No one likes to be condescended to, but one particularly touchy subject for you is being called “sheltered.” You think it’s accurate in some ways—you grew up in a very strict household, so you couldn't “go out” and “do things” like some of your peers were able to—but in some ways, you’re not “sheltered” at all. You’re aware of yourself, you’re aware of your surroundings; you’re self reflective and you think critically about societal structures, resource distribution, and justice. You’ve thought about a lot of things some people may never be open to thinking about in their whole life.

But most people don’t talk about those things relating to being “sheltered.” When people talk about being “sheltered,” they really only mean sex and drugs.

It’s always about sex and drugs with people. Not that those things aren’t great and feel great. That’s their big draw, for most.

As if it’s not already annoying enough that you feel like you weren’t even given the choice or opportunity—it’s also annoying the assumptions people make about you because you haven’t done drugs and had sex. (And gone to parties or concerts or festivals where these things happen.) People assumed you judged others for participating in those activities. They seemed to think people from your past invited you out places, and you were the one who said no. (Not so!)

You’re not sheltered. Just because you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex, doesn’t mean you’re sheltered. There’s other reasons. Even if you’ve never had sex before, you were, at the very least, a lot more sexual than the friends you had growing up, and you never had an outlet to talk about anything. It’s frustrating when people think you’re “innocent” and make fun of you for it. Also, the idea that sex isn’t “innocent.” Innocent and cutesy people have sex, too. Not all sex has to be “depraved” or extreme. People have missionary sex. Sex can be wholesome and “vanilla” and still feel good. Sex doesn’t have to be a negative, taboo thing.

But what do you know? You’ve never had sex, so your opinion doesn’t count. (Apparently.) You are rapidly reaching the point where the only person you can send this meme to is yourself.

This is not okay.

But what are you supposed to do?

You have too many trust issues to have one night stands. You aren’t looking for romantic relationships right now—also because of trust issues. You're not sure you even understand romantic relationships in the first place. How are you supposed to get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable and safe enough to have sex with them without them wanting to get into a romantic relationship with you? You really don’t think people have the patience to wait to have sex with someone they are not dating. If they are not dating, they want to have sex now. That’s what you have been told. That’s how it seems from the outside. Right? People aren’t going to treat you delicately and gently unless you are their romantic partner. People put a lot of effort into their romantic partners, and not a lot of effort into anyone else. That is the way society is set up. At least, that's what you see.

People think you’re innocent because you don’t talk about sex a lot. Little do they know! There’s lots of reasons you don’t talk about sex to other people. You aren’t having sex with other people, first of all. Is talking about masturbation more shameful than talking about sex? Is it like saying “oh, look, I’m undesirable, no one wants to have sex with me!” It shouldn’t be that way, but it feels that way sometimes.

You wish you were breaking the mold and bold and doing whatever you want, but there has to be some influence from growing up with a lot of implicit sex-shaming. It took a long time for adults in your life to say “no sex” and they didn't even say it in that way. They said “no boyfriends and girlfriends.” Sex wasn’t even mentioned at home. Even vaguely sexual dancing in Bollywood movies was skipped.

So it’s dissonant when you ask your childhood best friend “where did he cum” and she says “in the condom” and you really don’t have the heart to explain to her what you meant. Maybe she thought you didn’t know what you were asking.

(But probably not. She’s the type of person to—and this really happened—explain her first time having sex without ever saying the word cock or dick or anything.)

You of all people wouldn't judge people having different preferences of how explicitly they want to talk about sex or what’s private and what they don't want to share. But it’s frustrating when people see you as someone who’s not okay to talk about certain things or would judge certain things, so they never bring it up.

Don’t make assumptions. It’s nice to be asked, are you okay to talk about (Whatever.)

But fine, whatever. It’s fine. Who cares?

It’s truly a predicament of predicaments to be a very sexual person, also with trust issues and germaphobia and fear.

It sucks.

Life is difficult, having all these rules and all these fears and not being able to trust anyone.

You aren’t the kind of person that would be able to have one night stands. You aren’t the type of person that can get someone’s vibe in a couple hours and then feel comfortable enough trusting them to stop when you say stop.

How long is long enough to know someone well enough to where you’re sure they aren’t putting up a front, tricking you, trying to lull you into a false sense of security, and then when you’re most vulnerable, they strike?

Maybe a lot of people don't think like this. Maybe that’s why some people are able to make friends easily and go on lots of dates and have a romantic partner.

You haven’t been able to do that. You can’t just be “wild and free.” You are happy to dress the way you want to dress and you want to feel pretty and attractive and sexual. You have never felt attractive. You put on garments that are supposed to be cute and attractive, but you don’t feel that way. You have always felt like something was off about you, and it was easy to blame your looks at first for why you’ve never had a boyfriend or partner. But the trust issues can’t be understated either. Whoopdedoo. Thanks, so much for all these problems. You love not being able to get your basic needs met.

It feels bad, but what are you supposed to do?

You remember a conversation you had a long time ago with a friend about people talking about how they “needed” sex. And back then, you were judgmental about people having one night stands during the pandemic, especially before vaccinations. You were judgmental about people having one night stands during the pandemic. You don’t trust people to be honest about disclosing STIs. And if you haven’t gotten one yet, then you don’t want to start now. And then on top of that, a pandemic.

No. It didn’t make sense to you.

You’re a little bit of a hypocrite. Or a lot. But you weren't honest about your own needs back then. And it's still hard for you now. You weren’t used to looking at any of your needs as “needs.” You are not used to addressing your needs, trying to meet them, taking them seriously. You are learning to heed your body’s cues, whether it’s hunger, or need for rest, or need for emotional connection.

And one of the other needs you are trying to meet are sexual.

And you can meet those needs on your own. You don’t need to have a partner to fulfill sexual needs. But you don’t want to feel like something is “wrong with you.” Why does it always go there? No matter what insecurity you have, it always goes down to feeling like you’re not accepted, different from everyone else in a negative way.

You can take care of your sexual needs by yourself, but socialization needs draw you out again. You truly cannot fulfill every single need you have on your own.

If you could, maybe life would be easier.

Dating isn’t the only way to fulfill a socialization need, but it’s something you’re curious about trying again. You’ve gone on perfectly fine and adequate first dates in the past. People were respectful, if not a little awkward, which is totally fine. But respectful is the bare minimum and doesn't always lead to attraction. You’ve never gone on a second date.

Before you can wonder how long it takes to determine if you could ever be attracted to someone, something will inevitably happen, some disaster, and you have to delete all the apps and isolate. Too many close calls, or almost close calls. You don’t take chances with suspicious behavior, and you are on high alert for anything that might be remotely suspicious.

You’re trying to meet your needs, but you’re also trying to stay safe.

But you always come back around eventually. You go on more dates, and maybe you want an emotional connection, and maybe you don’t. You want something to do. It’s fun to talk about first dates with your friends later, at least. They never get tired of hearing the tea.

You’re not looking for a serious committed relationship right now, because you honestly feel like there’s not someone out there for you. But you’re also not looking to hook up, because you honestly don’t feel like you’d be able to trust someone that quickly—and you don’t want to feel pressured by other people’s timelines and agendas. While this may not play out to be true in the real world, you have the assumption that people looking to hookup are not going to take kindly to your fears and issues, and are not going to have the patience to work them out with you.

And you don’t want to set yourself up in a situation to get your feelings invalidated. You’ve already had that happen to you enough in the past.

You feel stuck, constrained by all these rules and fears zigzagging across each other, until you barely have room to move.

And it’s not like dating for romance or for a long term relationship is that easy for you, either.

You’re not sure you completely understand the need to make one person the sole proprietor of your needs, but everybody will do what makes sense to them. And you can’t do that because it doesn’t make sense to you. You have lots of people to meet various needs. And people leave. People have stuff going on. Asking one person to fulfill all your needs seems like asking a lot, seems like a lot of pressure.

But what do you know? You can only do what feels right to you.

Your dates never go anywhere. Dating apps don’t seem to be your thing. It’s hard for you to feel attracted to someone just by looking at their photo. And you don’t think you have unrealistic standards for people you would be attracted to. You’ve had crushes in the past. They’ve looked like “normal” people—not supermodels, or some crazy unreachable standard of beauty. And you feel disappointed when attractive people don’t reply to you. And you feel stressed when you go on dates with people you aren’t attracted to at first, because you don’t lead anyone on. But is it normal to at least have a first date to see if there’s an attraction there?

You want to do right by people, treat them well, treat them respectfully. But maybe your expectations are too incompatible with others’. It’s too confusing. It’s too scary, the potential of getting in trouble.

You’d rather not get hurt. You’d rather not get yelled at. Or maybe everyone else is wrong too, and it’s not just you.

Anyway—this is all a nightmare—no wonder you download the apps for a few weeks, and then delete them for a year.

It’s fine. Everything is fine.

Nothing matters, and everything is fine.

It’s fine to live in a cycle of sometimes you need to retreat and sometimes you need connection. Until you find “your people” like everyone keeps promising you, what are you supposed to do, except keep trying?

And try you shall.

Whether it’s dating apps or meeting friends of friends, you don’t have high hopes for a romantic relationship. You’d be happy with some casual friendships, but if that doesn’t happen either, you wouldn't be surprised. And you’d try not to be disappointed, but it’s a natural consequence of wanting something. And it’s not fair to tell yourself to not want something, especially when it’s a natural basic need like socialization.

You don’t expect texts back from people you are attracted to. Even though the right thing to do is to treat people on a case by case basis and not make assumptions about them—but your brain is tired and stressed. Sometimes it’s easier to make up rules about people and about how to keep yourself safe. Sometimes it’s easier to assume everyone is going to hurt you and stay away from all of them rather than take a chance and potentially be wrong.

There has to be a way to practice fair and balanced thinking while still being safe. There must be a way to practice seeking alternatives to cognitive distortions.

So here you are, swiping on someone you are attracted to, noticing that you’re expecting them not to text you back, because that’s what happened to you multiple times in the past.

But why not be disappointed again one more time? It can’t hurt.

But instead they do text back. The most attractive person you have ever seen texted back.

This does not happen to you.

You cannot believe this.

There’s a brief pause which is a little jarring and anxiety-inducing after texting for so long and so fast.

You can be patient. It doesn’t have to mean that they were mad at you for saying that. (Although, that is your first thought.)

You fight your instinct to backtrack. You really didn’t say anything wrong … and it was a half joke … kind of … It’s one of those truths that it’s fine if people think it’s funny but … also, you are genuinely asking.

It’s a natural pause in the conversation, so you aren’t surprised that it takes a little bit of time for him to text. Or maybe he won’t text back. That happens too—having an interesting first convo, and then it doesn’t go anywhere.

You try not to be disappointed. You try to be grateful for the experiences you have, instead of sad for the experiences you don’t have, and wish you did.

But whatever. The negative narrative always wins out in the end. Things end in disappointment for you. Oh well.

Normally, you’re able to stay on the high for a little bit longer. It’s fun to text a cute person. You used to give people the benefit of the doubt for longer. You used to hold out waiting for longer. You're used to waiting on people.

But you don’t want to string yourself along anymore. Maybe you need to bring yourself back down to earth.

You get another text. In reality, it hasn’t been that long. But your brain works fast. You pretend you weren’t melancholy after not getting a text back for a couple of minutes.

You pretend. You’re fine, normal, and reasonable. Everything is fine.

You really need to calm down.

So now you’re like, oh right, a catfish situation. What else could it possibly be? No one this attractive could ever be attracted to you.

But what catfish owns up to their own ploy in the conversation? And so soon?

Either way, something is not right. You need to block and unmatch.

But…

This is fun. Right? It’s fun to talk to a hot person (even if they are fake.) Are you really in danger from just talking? They don’t have any of your personal information from your bio. Not too much, anyway.

You don’t think there’s any harm in continuing the conversation.

Except you’re dragging out the torture.

But when have you ever treated yourself kindly and nicely? What else is new?

Of course you couldn't snag a guy this cute. How could you even think that? Ridiculous.

You always hope that things will work out for you in the end. You have a sliver of hope that things are going to be fine. But you need to be realistic.

You don’t even want to respond at this point. This just seems so fishy. And even if they are a few fratty bros having fun … well. It’s at your expense, so that’s not okay. That sucks.

They really don’t deserve a response.

You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

But, you’re you, so. You don’t want to let a good thing go, even if it’s clearly not a good thing. You don’t want to let go of the possibility, the hint, of a good thing. You wish you could be wrong. You wish that there was some chance that you were reading this situation wrong, and that there was actually a hot guy at the end of this who liked you and wanted to go on a date with you. You just wanted something nice for yourself.

But no. that can’t happen. Why would that be able to happen?

You text back, because apparently you love pain and suffering:

This is so stupid. You shouldn’t do this. Why do you want to set yourself up for failure? Set yourself up for people who are going to be impatient with your needs, who treat you like a joke.

Why?

You’re so stupid.

You really don’t understand how having a fun text conversation with one person leads to having a good in person convo with a completely different person.

This is so stupid.

You want him to be real.

You want to be liked by someone attractive.

There’s no response for a bit

Your stomach drops.

So this is the guy.

This is Sakusa

You’re so embarrassed to send that and be a simp but …. Not that this isn’t an extremely strange situation to begin with, so why would any “normal” “rules” about dating and keeping someone’s interest apply to this situation at all?

You don’t know what you’re doing. You can pretend to know, but you don’t. Even with how stupid and silly this is, with how potentially bad it could be, and hurtful, it’s still pure luck (for better or for worse) that someone this attractive is allegedly geographcially close to you and that the algorithm showed each of you to the other. Absolute luck.

So maybe it’s not in your hands whether it works out. Not completely. You can try your best, try to be interesting, and not totally awkward.

But who knows what’s going to happen.

In the meantime, Sakusa texts back.

Oh the joys of receiving a compliment! Especially from a hot person.

You’re about to say “thanks!” or something equally boring (ahhh how to be interesting ??? how to flirt??? If only google knew the answer to that) another text rolls in.

You’re a little surprised you say that, because normally you don’t want anyone to have your number, you want to text on the app as long as possible—

But.

You do want Sakusa to have your number.

You want to keep talking to him.

If he wants to.

You look at the numbers, feeling giddy and embarrassed.

You text him right away.

Hey.

You get a notification from the app again.

You get a regular message notification:

A notification from the dating app notification flashes:

The next notification is for a phone message notification

You low key don’t know if you guys are joking together or if he’s being serious but—

You guess you’ll find out on a date.

If he still wants to do that, that is.

But you’re content to text for a while, before taking it to that next step.

Atsumu texts you again much later.

You text with Sakusa for a while. It’s nice and chill, in the sense that you are having fun, but it’s nerve wracking because—you’re attracted to him. You have butterflies. You want his attention. You want to keep talking to him.

Life is fun for a while.

You try to quiet the voice in your head that says this is only going to last for so long, don’t get too comfortable, don’t get reliant on this, this is going to end in disaster, all good things must come to an end.

You wish you could enjoy good things in a nice calm way like a normal person.

Hm. Must be nice.

You’re the one who asks him for a first date. You don’t know if he was taking things slow for your benefit, or for both of your all’s benefit. You don't want to rush him, either. And you’re grateful that he didn’t make you feel rushed.

But you’re delighted when he agrees to meet you.

Maybe a little part of you is still shocked that he would say yes.

Of course there’s still room to be disappointed, not surprised—you could always get stood up!

There’s still time for that yet!

Oh, boy.

You try not to think about that, but the thought is already there. Some part of you will always try to prepare yourself for disaster and disappointment. Because in the past, sometimes disappointments have piled up and it’s felt like too much to bear.

You aren’t in that place any more. You can handle some disappointments. You also want to work on feeling happiness and enjoying life. You deserve it. It feels scary to be happy somehow, like you're going to be out of control, or someone is going to punish you for enjoying something you didn’t earn. But you want to practice feeling happy, so that it becomes less stressful over time to keep feeling happy. You want to enjoy life. You worked so hard to be here, and you deserve to enjoy life.

So, now, to enjoy a date with a hot person.

The best part about going on dates with people you aren’t attracted to is that you barely feel any pressure at all throughout the whole process. You wear whatever, show up however. In that case, it’s usually the other person who seems to be a lot more nervous. There’s no reason for them to be nervous, but they must not feel that way. But it’s nice that they cared a lot, at least. The stakes are so much lower when you don’t have any expectations.

But Sakusa is someone who you would very much like to have a positive outcome with. Even if that just means a second date.

You need to try for you, not for him. As long as you feel good, like you’ve tried your best, that’s all that matters. You can’t know what he would be attracted to, so there’s nothing extra you can do to make him like you more than he already would if you were yourself.

Just show up and try your best.

It will be fine!

You arrive at the coffee place and you feel like everyone is staring at you. Which is only a little bit true. There’s a whole table of people staring at you—and there’s Sakusa.

You stop. The blonde one at the table waves to you. There’s a gray haired one as well, in addition to Sakusa.

You can’t believe Sakusa looks this good in real life.

It’s unfair.

You approach their table and Sakusa stands up.

“Hi,” you say.

All he says is “Hello,” but his voice is so hot, you’re already so embarrassed.

“Hi!”

You look down at the blonde and gray haired guys. And you realize something about them in the moment.

“I’m Atsumu,” the blonde one says.

“Osamu,” the gray haired one says.

“Hi!” you say, and introduce yourself.

“It’s good to meet you,” Atsumu says.

“You, too.”

“So, what can we get you to drink,” Atsumu asks.

“We’re not getting her anything,” Osamu and Sakusa say.

“Sakusa will,” Osamu clarifies.

“If you want something,” Sakusa says, looking at you.

“Ummmmmmmmm, sure!”

“Omi, get me something, too,” Atsumu says.

“No,” Sakusa says.

“Why?”

“Get something yourself.”

“Okay, great, let’s wait in line together.”

Sakusa looks between the twins. Then he turns to Osamu. “Osamu, can you please—”

Osamu lets out a big sigh “I’ve tried, trust me, he’s—”

“Don’t let him fool you, he also wants to be here,” Atsumu said. And then he turned to you, “Aaaand he is extremely curious about you! As am I. Hi!”

“Hi,” you say.

“How are you?”

“I’m good,” you say. You’re honestly not sure what is happening. You don’t hate it. It’s funny. But is this normal? Is this weird? Is this a red flag?

You wish you had a bunch of normal people on standby at all times so you can constantly run these live situations by them so they can tell you what to do.

You look to Sakusa for guidance. Is he trying to make it seem like this is normaland that you should love and enjoy this?

“We’re not all on this date!” Sakusa snaps.

“Why not?” Atsumu pleads.

Sakusa looks so done.

He turns to you, “We have to leave.”

“Oh,” you say. You do not want to go to a secondary location. You are nervous about safety and control.

“We don't have to do anything,” Sakusa clarifies. “We can stay or go. It doesn’t matter. We can do whatever you are comfortable with.”

“Like hanging out with us!” Atsumu says.

Sakusa ignores him. “But these guys are going to be annoying. But anything is fine. Except I hate them.”

“Omi, don’t say that!” Atsumu cries.

“Yeah, take that back! Asshole,” Osamu says, but he doesn’t sound offended at all. He just smirks.

You stare at them in silence. You honestly need to take a second to process everything.

“You ruin everything,” Osamu says to Atsumu.

“Why are you bullying me? This was your idea!”

“This was not my idea, don’t you dare lie in front of everyone!”

“They might not ever let you talk,” Sakusa says to you.

You look up and wonder if you are ever going to get used to his presence or if you are going to be transfixed for the rest of however long he lets you hang out with him.

You giggle. What else are you supposed to do? “Well,” you say. You hadn't actually planned out what you were going to say after that. But the three boys turn to you and give you their full and undivided attention and you feel the need to shrink into yourself.

“Where did you want to go?” you ask Sakusa.

“I’ll tell you,” he says. “But I can’t tell them. They aren’t allowed to come.”

The twins make some more noise and you take some time to check in with yourself.

How do you feel about this?

Who knows.

But you probably need to get some sense of how you feel.

On one hand—should you go to a secondary location? No, that isn’t safe.

But if you’re both walking is that safe?

But he could be coordinating with a vehicle that could pick him and you both up …

But it would be strange to fully have a kidnapping situation in broad daylight in front of everyone ..

Hm….

Also people are usually kidnapped by family members not strangers.

Okay okay okay okay

It’s not great that you’re being put on the spot to make a decision, maybe. But you genuinely don't think it was with bad intentions. You don't think they are purposefully trying to trip you up or trick you into make a decision that isn't safe and comfortable for you. No one is pressuring you. You are allowed to make the choice that is right for you. You are allowed to take your time to decide. And you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s safe right now. You are safe right now, and it’s okay to make decisions on the fly. You can still be safe even if situations are changing and you can adapt and proceed forward. You are allowed to make decisions in the moment. You are also allowed to leave a situation any time. If something feels off or unsafe, you are allowed to remove yourself and get yourself to safety. You are allowed to say yes to something now and then say no to something later. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to feel it out, and see how things go. Everything is fine!

Everything is fine.

“We can go,” you tell Sakusa.

“Thank god.” He grabs your hand and pulls you out of the coffee shop.

“Oh, my god, would you look at that,” Osamu says, while Atsumu says, “where are you going?”

“Like I’d tell you.”

“Include us!”

“You think I’m going to have my date in front of you? Clowns.”

“We can just follow you!”

“Don’t.”

“Omi!”

“Bye.”

You look back and wonder if they really will follow you. Your location is still shared with your friends, and you can text them an update letting them know that you are supposed to be on the move with Sakusa, of your own accord, and with permission.

The sky is bright and the ring from the bell on the door of the coffeeshop fades slowly.

Sakusa looks down at you in alarm. “I forgot to buy you a drink.”

You shrug. “We can get one later.”

He nods. “Right. We were running away.”

“Well, we’re doing a bad job of it. Let’s go!”

He hurries down the street, and you scuttle behind him to keep up.

The conversation flows easily—he’s a great listener and asks good questions and you have a hard time being vulnerable with new people but if there’s anyone to take a chance with…you hope you can put in the effort here, in this moment. You also love when he goes off on a tangent and then gets embarrassed and tries to deflect it back to you because—well, you don’t know, but you guess maybe he is embarrassed about being vulnerable, too.

He goes silent for a bit and you get curious so you have to ask, “what are you thinking about?”

His eyes widen in embarrassment and he looks away. “Nothing.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” you ask.

“That’s not worth it.”

“Coffee for your thoughts?”

“Don’t turn this around on me. I said I would buy you a coffee. You tell me your thoughts.”

“I’m glad we’re hanging out today,” you say.

Sakusa’s eyes crinkle. “Me, too.”

“It’s definitely an interesting story about how we first met, at least.”

He looks away.

“I didn't mean that in a bad way,” you say.

“No, no, it’s like. It is in a bad way,” he says. “I cannot believe you’re here after all that they did.”

“It wasn’t that bad. But it was weird.”

“I cannot believe them.”

“Yall seem really close,” you say. “That’s cute.”

“Yeah.” Then his spine stiffens and he snaps his gaze down at you sharply. “I mean, it’s whatever. We’ve known each other since high school.”

You perk up. “Aww! You all were up to so much shenanigans back then, I'm sure.”

“They were,” Sakusa sniffs.

“Not you?”

“No.” The assertion is a little pinprick in the air.

You’re in such a giggly mood. You’re happy to be here. You’re happy to be hanging out with Sakusa. “Okay, sure,” you say sarcastically.

“You are way kinder and more forgiving than we have any right to enjoy, so thank you for that.”

“Aww,” you say. “It’s not like that. I’m glad I gave yall a chance. It’s cute that they wanted to give you moral support.”

“Who does that,” Sakusa says. “I don’t need moral support.”

“You weren’t nervous?”

“Were you nervous?”

“Kind of,” you say.

“Why?”

“I dunno, you’re cute.”

“Thanks, you’re cute, too.”

“Thanks.”

“They really just do whatever they want. Thank you for putting up with them.”

“Oh, no,” you say. “They should respect your boundaries!”

“Yeah! They should!” Sakusa exclaimed.

“That’s messed up.” It’s funny but you don’t want to laugh if it’s a greater problem. “I can’t believe you asked them not to come and they showed up anyway.”

“Well,” Sakusa says slowly. “It wasn't really like that. They are good people, really.”

“So, you asked them to come,” you say.

“I mean—I didn’t exactly ask them to come—they just found out about it and they showed up.”

“Interesting.”

Sakusa shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Did you drive separately?”

Sakusa’s shoulders hunch imperceptibly. “I mean we all arrived together.”

“So,” you grin.

“So.”

“I mean, now that I know you guys seem chill and not dangerous or up to anything ill intentioned, it’s really funny,” you offer.

Sakusa shakes his head. “Definitely no ill intentions. They are really great guys.”

“Aw, you love each other,” you coo.

“Ew,” he says.

You cackle.

“But yeah,” he says. “We do. But don’t—”

But you’re already cooing and awing again.

He sighs and rolls his eyes.

But you think he looks kind of fondly at you so you’re hoping it’s okay.

“They are annoying,” he says, “but they were definitely playing it up. They were trying to embarrass me ors something. They’re so stupid.”

You shrug exaggeratedly. “What is life without a little shenanigans.”

“They bring more than enough of that to the table, for sure.”

Somehow, it’s so cute that Sakusa is so defensive and protective of them.

It’s so cute.

“He has a separate phone for this,” Sakusa says.

“What?”

“For shenanigans,” Sakusa says.

“Wow. That is commitment.”

“Yeah.”

“Just wanted you to know,” Sakusa said.

“So I can prepare myself?”

“Do whatever you want.”

“Okay, thank you, I will.”

You shake your head. “A separate phone. I can’t.”

“Right? He is deeply committed.”

“Have to respect it,” you say.

“Do we?” Sakusa asked.

“Hmmmmmmm.”

You both chuckle.

You’re glad everyone had good intentions, but it could have turned out badly. You’re glad it didn’t! But you freeze for a moment, wanting to soak up the gratefulness that you narrowly avoided disaster.

“What are you thinking about?” Sakusa asked.

“Well.” What’s the point? You might as well say it. Why not? “I don’t like pranks because I don’t like fun at the expense of others. I think everyone should have fun together.”

Sakusa hums. “Yeah. I think that’s the exact reason why he likes them, though.”

You sigh.

“Well, it’s a good thing you aren’t on a date with him, then.”

“Maybe so,” you say, but then you notice he looks really embarrassed that he says that. And you want to tease him or say something funny, but it’s so easy to be savage or bold when you don’t actually care that much, but when you want to control the outcome. you’re so nervous and you just want people to like you.

That’s all it boils down to

It’s so hard to make people like you. And maybe that’s not what it’s about. People are free to choose who they like and don’t like or even if it’s not about choosing people will naturally be drawn to who they like and will avoid who they don’t like. And it’s not up to you to control that. If you could be yourself and try to naturally attract people who will like you for who you are wouldn't that be so much easier than trying to control who likes you?

But you’re not used to leaving things up to chance.

But! You think he likes you. He wouldn't be here if he didn’t.

And you want to positively reinforce that behavior.

Right? That’s fine. You also like him and want to hang out with him more. It would be mutually beneficial, right?

You all make a full circle back to the coffeeshop where you began.

“Do you still want me to buy you a drink?” Sakusa ask.

“Maybe next time?” you ask. “Would you want to go on another date?”

“Yes, that sounds great,” Sakusa says.

“Awesome,” you say.

“Spectacular.”

“Cool.”

“Wow!”

And then you hear a (faint) ruckus from behind the glass and you both look inside and Osamu and Atsumu are standing up, clapping and banging on the table, and everyone is looking at them, and also at you.

And you are so embarrassed.

But also? Really happy.

~*~*~*~

You and Sakusa hang out a few more times and it feels better every time. You don’t think you could be any more attracted to him than you were when you first met, but actually, somehow it was possible.

It’s also really fun to hang out with him.

So here’s the thing.

You have been secretly and not secretly thinking about this since the moment you first saw him in some part of your mind—you want to have sex with him.

You want to, because he’s attractive.

And you especially want to because he’s so nice and respectful, and you trust him.

You’re ready now!

You’re just not used to being on ~this~ side of it. You’re used to having to slam down the breaks, and reject people, and keep yourself safe.

And you feel safe already, so now you want to proceed.

You look up at him, while you both walk side by side. You just have to go for it. Why not? Right?

“Hey,” you say.

He looks at you, and you feel everything.

You take a deep breath and try to skip the whole intro (“this might be a lot” or “sorry to say this” or “is it okay if I—”) “You’re respectful,” you say.

He quirks an eyebrow and you rush on, because you don’t want him to interrupt.

“And you’re hot. I would like to have sex with you.”

Now his eyebrows look like they're going to fly off his face. “Oh.”

You are panicking. You are excited. “Is that cool?”

He doesn’t reply for a few seconds.

The suspense.

You bite your cheek to keep from steamrolling him in your nervousness.

“I mean,” he finally begins, “—yes—it’s cool, like awesome! And wow! You know? But no.”

“Oh.”

You blink.

What—

That is—

Hold up hold up hold up hold up—

He looks at you, and you think you see amusement, and you don't know if that is a good or a bad sign. “You okay?” he asks.

You’re not, but you are, but what? “What?”

“Did you hear me?”

“Mm.” Waves of embarrassment overtake your body.

“I don’t think we should have sex right now.”

You want to take him seriously, because consent is important, and you want to take people at face value. But… now you’re like—is he making fun of you? He already said that. You’re good. “Okay.”

“Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m not an asshole. I’m not going to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.”

“I want to,” he clarifies, and you die more. Your gut twists and you’re not breathing.

“But I just want to wait.”

“Okay!” you say, too excitedly because you don’t want to seem like an asshole and seem like you’re pressuring him. “I’ll wait for you.”

Maybe that sounded weird, but you already said it, oh no, maybe you need to exit this situation before you say anything else stupid—

But it was too late.

You’re already saying so many things.

“But—why, is it because you promised to fuck somebody else today?”

Sakusa splutters. “No—what—why would you say that?!”

And now you’ve done it, you’re already here, you have to commit, commit to this conversation. To this situation. Here you go. “I’m just asking.”

Great. Great, good job. Perfect. This is a great conversation! And you’re still here, somehow. And it’s still happening, for some reason! And everything is fine.

He chuckles, but it’s more like a wheeze. “No, that is not the case. I don't know who you think I am.”

“You’re a hot and respectful person, so I'm sure everyone’s waiting in line for some of your time.”

He leers at you. “For just my time?”

You’re not sure he’s actually moved closer—or maybe it was so slight, almost imperceptible. You feel his looming presence in the best way, caged in willingly (because you don’t want to leave, anyway.)

You want his time and attention.

So, okay, now you know he’s making fun of you, and what are you going to do? Let him? Yeah. ????

You’ve truly used up all your boldness, and you wish you could escape the situation, but you want to spend time with Sakusa, even if he is bullying you. You wouldn't let just anyone bully you. You look at him for a second and then look past him at the buildings you’re walking by, and the cracks on the sidewalk. “People may vary in what exactly they want from you during your time.”

Sakusa stops walking. It takes you a second to realize, so you stop a few paces in front of him. You turn around.

He has his hands in his pockets. “What do you want?”

“You already know.”

He hunches his shoulders a little, and tips his head. “Is that the only thing you want?”

“No.”

“Then what else?”

“To spend time with you.”

“We already are.”

“Okay,” you say, forcefully. “So there’s no problems then.” You think your tone clearly says “let’s move on from this topic.”

“Are there?”

You shake your head.

“Okay, good.”

“Great! Now you can stop embarrassing me.”

“Aw,” he says, staring you straight in the eye, and your heart quivers. “Why are you embarrassed?” he asks, and you are more embarrassed now.

More than ever before.

“You know,” you say.

“Tell me.”

You might have a lot to gain from lying. But you don’t have time to make all the calculations about what lie you should tell to get what you want. So you figure it's better to be in an honest situation, even if you have none of what you wanted. If you have nothing else, you were true to yourself. “I guess we’re already in a situation where it seems like I want you way more than you want me.”

“Is that how it seems?” he says, with casual curiosity.

“You rejected me,” you say, trying not to sound too defensive at his languid tone.

“I postponed.”

“You rejected me in the moment.”

“Are you upset?”

“No,” you lie. You’re upset, but not at him. “It has to be both of our decisions. We have to both want to. I’m not an asshole. I’m not going to pressure you. Do you feel pressured? We can talk about something else. I am sorry.”

“No, I don't feel pressured. It feels nice to be wanted.”

You have to keep from snorting, because it is, but also, come on. As if he has a lack of that! “I bet!”

“Yeah,” Sakusa tosses your sarcasm back at you. “I'm sure you know all about that.”

“No,” you correct. “I'm sure you know all about that. You must have had people waiting for you to be single your whole life.”

“They didn't need to wait, because I haven’t been in a relationship before.”

“You what.”

You blink at him enough times and hope he understands the morse code you’re transmitting to communicate to him this meme:

“Is that hard to believe?” he asks, clearly catching the vibes.

“No and yes.”

He stares at you and you stare back.

“Interesting,” he says. “And mysterious. Have you?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I’ve never met someone hot and respectful before.”

Sakusa snorts.

“I’m serious.”

“That’s what I'm worried about.” He looks at you and huffs out a breath again. “Also I don't believe you. There has to be hot and respectful people around.”

“Maybe there were, but they were in relationships and or not interested in me.”

“You want to know what I think?” he asks.

“Yes, of course.”

“I feel like you’ve had everything handed to you because you are attractive.”

You gasp. “You simply cannot mean that.”

“I do mean that. You are extremely attractive.”

“I should be saying that about you.”

“And you can, but I was handed nothing,” Sakusa said.

“I wasn’t handed anything either!!! The fuck??”

“But you’re offended that I don't want to have sex with you, right?” Sakusa asks.

“Wouldn't anyone be offended by that?” you ask.

“Well if you were ugly, you’d be used to it.”

“Okay.”

You don’t even know what is happening right now. You don't even like arguing. It stresses you out.

“But since you’re attractive you are used to people wanting to have sex with you. So, you're a little shocked that I don't want to have sex with you. Am I correct?

You don’t know why this feels like you’re being cornered into a “gotcha” moment, but also it’s not that deep. Maybe it’s a little funny. But at least yall are still talking? Maybe you’re toxic to yourself, you don’t even know. Is it fun in the moment? Maybe? But sometimes things seem fun in the moment and fucked up later. You don't know what’s going to happen. What’s a little more…? “Right. But no.”

“But you’d be extra shook.”

“I cannot believe this.” You laugh in his face. “No one wants to have sex with me.”

He pins you with a look. “That is not true.”

“No one hot wants to have sex with me,” you amend.

“What are your standards for hot?”

“I don’t know! You exist, right? So they can't be that unreasonable. I don’t think I’m unreasonable! I’ve had crushes on way uglier guys than you.”

Sakusa laughs. “That is so mean, what the hell?”

You cover your mouth. Oh, no. Maybe that was too mean. “It’s true! And I still had a crush on them. So it’s not always about looks, not that there’s anything wrong with it being about looks—”

“But with me, it’s just about looks.”

“No,” you hang on the word. “But if it was just about looks, then there would only be a problem with that if you had a problem with it.”

“I have a little problem with it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I like you, and you seem fun and nice. So I actually want to get to know you and see where things go. And I hope there’s a positive outcome.”

“I feel the same way.”

You stare at each other and you think you’re going to go crazy. You want to jump into the ocean.

“Why haven’t you dated?” you ask.

He starts walking suddenly, and breezes past you. You skip to keep up.

“That’s a conversation for another day.’

“What?!”

“You want to hang out tomorrow?”

You sigh, exasperated. “Yeah, I do.”

“Great.”

“Fantastic.”

“Awesome.”

“Wow!”

(You’re sure you’re imagining this, but for some reason, faintly in the distance, you can hear the Miya twins cheering you on.

What can’t you do if you have that?)

You grin at Sakusa. “Looking forward to it.”

He looks at you, tenderness, brightness, and excitement mixed into one. “Likewise.”

#haikyuu smau #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu reader insert #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa kiyoomi x reader #sakusa kiyoomi x you #sakusa smau #sakusa reader insert #sakusa

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piccolina-mina · 3 years

Note

Our girl is thriving this season, but what the fuck is this Wyatt plot? I need your thinks about this one. I just knew you'd be six posts in on this by now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*sighs* For fk's sake, nonny. I don't even like talking about it because I get ranty.

What do you want me to say? Honestly, everything you can imagine I would feel about this, you're probably right. Because you know, I'm that b*tch always getting ranty about racism and stuff.

In short, I hate it. I think it's unnecessary, tone-deaf, random, pointless, lowkey offensive, and illogical. I legitimately find it triggering AF. And it doesn't make sense.

It's Unnecessary. There is a fraction of a chance that it will connect to something more significant, but even if that's the case, I'm confident that end result or connection could've taken place without this random reform racist Wyatt storyline. This series has struggled enough as it is properly utilizing all of its primary characters as well as providing them with decent screentime and arcs. It literally makes no sense to spend any of that time that could be used elsewhere on primary characters on a recurring guest star.

This isn't actually about Rosa, it's about Wyatt. Following up on the previous point, this specific arc caters to Wyatt. Revolves around Wyatt. Rosa is just a passive participant and vessel for this Wyatt storyline. So again, the arc itself is about a recurring character. At least when they did something similarly bringing back Cam to siphon time and arcs away from its main cast they found ways to implement it better and tied her to multiple main characters, so it wasn't a total waste.

The intended Wyatt/Rosa parallel is illogical. I know what they're intending to do with this storyline, drawing parallels between Rosa's experience coming back from the dead after ten years and trying to make sense of that and atone for things before and having this second chance to make things right and go down the right path and so forth and Wyatt losing his memory and his racist ways and having to reconcile with who he was to who he can be and all of that. I understand the concept they're trying to sell. It just doesn't work. Rosa's addiction is not equivalent to Wyatt's racism and violence. Her mental illness isn't either. It's dangerous to invite the comparasions with this storyline.

It's not successful redemption. True redemption is Wyatt knowing and remembering his actions and then trying to atone for them. It's not the convenience of amnesia wiping out his memory only giving him distance from his actions rather than really facing up to them. Because of the amnesia, to Wyatt, it's like he's hearing about another person. It's a cop out. He doesn't Actually have to do the work to redeem himself or atone or learn or grow. IF we're supposed to compare it to Rosa, she knew what she did and remembers and knows how she hurt her loved ones or whatever and she's actively trying to make amends for that as part of her program... a program that Wyatt isn't working or anything BTW.

They've contradicted themselves too much and are rewriting their own work and thus twisting everything up just to make this storyline work and it still doesn't. The timeline is all fkd up... what they established already all of it..The Longs were racist before Kate's death. Kate was racist. To suggest that a 10+ amnesiac blackout clean slates and erases all of Wyatt's racism is just wrong. As in it literally doesn't even make any sense. That is not how the amnesia works but they keep playing both sides of it trying to make it work. To sell us what they're claiming, he would have to have ALL of his memories wiped and have forgotten who he was completely.

Wyatt is behaving like he's shocked by racism in this town but they're also trying to argue that he was born into it. Wyatt was surrounded by racists and his friends come from racist families but he's acting like the very concept of him ever being ingratiated in it is some huge surprise. Wyatt looks affronted by things like Confederate flags. Wyatt being steeped in and surrounded by racism predates his amnesia period.

Kyle mentioned that line about Wyatt putting Whites Only on water fountains, and it sounded like a school prank. It also sounded like something Kyle was reminding Rosa of as if she was alive when that incident happened. Therefore, Wyatt was doing racist stuff before she died. Kyle would've been out of school by then so how else would he know that or why would he bother retaining it?

IF Wyatt and Rosa really were friends before (which holy retcon), then it makes no real sense that he would get psychopathically angry about his "friend" who does drugs getting into a car accident with his sister who does drugs. He would've mourned them both not jumped to severe racism and violence. But both he and Jasmine's family (who are MIA for all of this) did that... jumped to racism. So was Wyatt indoctrinated by his family or indoctrinated by message boards and shit? And if Wyatt and Rosa were friends than why was Kate such a racist bitch to Rosa?

They're backdrafting history JUST to make this storyline that we don't need with a character who isn't even a main one to work.

By not actually addressing that Wyatt has to unlearn racism and giving him an out through amnesia, there is the very realistic issue of that latent racism to come out at any given time. What happens when he's drunk? What happens when he's really angry at a POC?

Tying Wyatt's redemption with his clear affection for Rosa is again dangerous and irresponsible. I know we would all like to think that love is the way and through love it can heal racism, but that puts the responsibility on the disenfranchised person to be "lovable." Because if Wyatt WAS friends with Rosa once then that means the second Rosa did something unlovable she was just another *insert racist slur of choosing* right? It means that there's a possibility that if his feelings for Rosa dwindle or things go sideways in some way there's a chance that he could revert back to those racist ways. Loving Rosa(linda) and pinning all of his wanting to be better on her because of her makes his actively learning to be anti-racist conditional. Right now he's not doing this for him. He's doing it because of Rosa.

This entire storyline has placed the burden of forgiveness on Rosa, his victim. Without him ever having to actually make amends. It's this turn the other cheek BS that means there's nothing too big or harmful that can't result in forgiveness. It relies on Rosa and all that she represents to extend an inhumane level of mercy and grace to their tormentor and oppressor that was never once extended to them. It's such a consistent and problematic thing projected on disenfranchised parties that ONLY benefits the majority and makes them feel good. It's a narrative of meeting someone halfway when the playing field was uneven and the minorities are in actuality doing more work and making a longer trek. Halfway and meeting in the middle only works if both sides were even. They are not. It's the reaching across the aisle both sidesms when one side was clearly and actively more harmful than the other and than calling that peace and equity. It is not.

This storyline was meant to scintillate some viewers with this "what if" notion and teach others a meaningful lesson or be this poorly thought out gateway to exploring a complex storyline but it came at the expense of other demographics who actively have to deal with racist crap. And because of their problematic approach what is simply "just entertainment" to some who has the luxury of not having to think about it beyond that, is just gross and insanely triggering and uncomfortable to others. The others who deal with the reality of the subject at hand.

They wrote themselves into a corner with Wyatt so trying to dig him out of that no matter the cost or logic is absurd. This storyline could've worked better if Wyatt's racism didn't also include conscious, constant, extreme violence. But they spent all of this time making Wyatt the face of violent racism and now are trying to redeem him with no real effort. He wasn't just using slurs or making microaggressions. He wasn't some insensitive or aloof white person. He is a murderer. He has killed people. He technically murdered Liz in cold-blood. He knew she was in the crashdown when he shot up the place. The lights were still on. He beat up Arturo so badly he nearly killed him well after his friends even stopped. He attacked and intended to kill Rosa. And his handiwork was a constant thing, enough for Jenna to comment on it. And now we're supposed to ignore all of that because he has amnesia and has puppy dog eyes?

The fact that we can entertain (and for some succeed) Wyatt in all of his hot white dudeness' redemption after everything he has done slips into the inherent racism of society in the first place and is enraging. Because systemically and culturally and inherently society will bend over backwards to find a way to absolve a hot white guy no matter his actions. Flint and Noah couldn't get this type of redemption... So their intended storyline about evolving from racism STILL plays into the racist structures set up in society.

And because some people like it, there's this slippery territory of NO everyone who genuinely enjoys this aren't racist for enjoying it. But yes, this entire storyline and how it is playing out is at the very least racially insensitive.

In order for this storyline to work they would actually have to show Wyatt doing the work. They don't have enough time to dedicate to such a delicate storyline. It's been a C and D filler storyline with 45 second to a minute scenes. That's not enough time to explore this properly. We would've needed to see Wyatt returning home from the hospital. We would've needed to see Wyatt with his friends and it not feeling right and his discomfort. We would've needed to see Wyatt going through his yearbook and googling himself and the horror and disgust he felt. We would need to see this through his eyes. But we didn't have the time for that and we wouldn't have anyway because he's not a main character. We only get Wyatt through Rosa's eyes and they haven't even dedicated enough time to that for it to work. Rosa isn't conflicted at all. She didn't struggle to forgive him. She was reduced to a school girl with a crush and an insane level of grace and they just threw that at us with no buildup whatsoever. I don't know where Rosa's head is and how she got to this to place. Not really. And the only thing working about this is the chemistry between two actors who are allegedly dating so of course there's chemistry.

It literally feels like another instance of a favorite actor being shoehorned into a storyline just for the hell of it. Just because they didn't want to let Dylan go or something. Just to give him something else to do.

#anti wyatt long #rnm salt #roswell new mexico #rnm ask

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wolf-and-bard · 4 years

Text

The Geraskier dark academia AU of my dreams (because writing these up keeps me sane; TLDR at the bottom because this escalated):

-Jaskier is so ready for college. Like, the readiest he's ever been for anything in his life. He couldn't wait to get out of his stuffy family home, away from his narrow-minded hometown, he is ready. He signs up for a Liberal Arts major, moves into a dorm, drinks his brains away during the first week. He makes an archnemesis, he makes friends, he live-documents the whole affair on Snapchat for his friend Triss who lives across the country, but is always with him in spirit. Life is good.

-Jaskier doesn't think twice when his roommate Zoltan invites him to come along to a party at the Kaer Morhen fraternity house because hello? Orientation week was last month, high time he goes to an actual frat party full of guys like wardrobes that eminate sexual self-assuredness and hopefully some sexual flexibility as well. He puts on his most revealing shirt and too tight jeans and joins Zoltan. The fraternity house is old, red-brick with sandstone pillars and iron-wrought gates which would seem rusty if not for the ivy that curls around them. It's chock-full with people of every kind of major and age, most of them drunk beyond reason by the time Jaskier and Zoltan arrive. Zoltan disappears in a tangle of rugby-players and leaves Jaskier to his own devices. He befriends a group of Archeology majors, their leader being a cute blond called Filavandrel, and they share a bottle of red wine, round and round. He meets his archnemesis, the one he spent all orientation week bickering about music with, Valdo or some nonsense, and they do tequila shots. It’s a nice party and Jaskier has the time of his life until he returns from the bathroom to find a god of a guy standing in the hallway.

-"Oh hello," Jaskier mutters under his breath. Before, his evening was aimless, he let the wave of the vibe take him wherever, let the alcohol blur the world around him. But now, he has an objective. And that objective stands all by his lonesome, scowling down the hallway. Man, does he brood well. Jaskier usually goes for people that are easy to read if some casual fun is what he has in mind -and it's not out of his mind just yet - but this guy intrigues him; there is more to him than simple dudebro-ness. He has shock-grey hair and startling amber eyes and seems to cast the longest shadow. Jaskier wants to ride him. Jaskier also wants to serenade him on a starlit wooden bridge and collect all the guy's deepest secrets and desires to keep under his pillow and draw divine inspiration from. Okay, that may be the Tequila shots talking. He scurries over to the bar, downs another two, then approaches the guy.

-"Hi," Jaskier says as he sidles up to him. The guy half-heartedly raises his beer in greeting. Taciturn, dark, dramatic. Jaskier decides to go for it. "I absolutely adore the way you just stand here and brood." (Jaskier will only learn much much later that he accidentally used some weird Kaer Morhen frat code and set off a chain of events that changed his life forever). "Lamb," the guy calls out instead of answering, something that makes Jaskier think he's so far gone that he's actively hallucinating. But no, seconds later a guy with equally lush red hair and equally thick arms appears from the crowd. He wears a scowl which has Jaskier's throat tighten. "What is it, Wolf?" Wolf, huh? "Go collect Goat and Kitty-Cat. I found him." And Wolf-Guy grabs Jaskier by the back of the neck and hauls him through a door, down some stairs - is that marble? are those torches? GARGOYLES? - and into pitch blackness. Jaskier squeals. This is what he imagined when he dreamt of college. Well not exactly this, but close enough.

-They bind him with silk scarfs and put a blindfold over his eyes which, okay. Jaskier knows he shouldn't find this as sexy as he does, but he can't help it. He has no sense of self-preservation and this will just be the best of fuel for the first assignment in his screenwriting class. "Oh, this is fun," he murmurs when someone tugs off his boots and someone else smears a fatty paste onto his lips. It smells like... okay it smells lot like his uncle Matthew's pigsty. Weirdly disgusting. "Who are you guys anyway?"

-They don't speak at all that night, don't take off the blind-fold until way later. All night, Jaskier can hear them rustling around him, chanting in some language he doesn't understand. They give him several drinks, most of which honestly taste like asphalt, but make his insides go fuzzy. When the blindfold comes off eventually, Jaskier finds himself on the front-seat of a pick up truck, Wolf guy behind the wheel. They are parked behind the frat house. "Look, I don't think you're a suitable candidate. The guys all said they want to keep you, but my friend recognized you from the freshman introduction party and we usually only inaugurate sophomores." Jaskier blinks. He has absolutely no idea what's going in anymore. His friend Triss is probably worried sick because he hasn't checked in all evening. The faint taste of burned rubber clings to his lips and all Jaskier can think is: Fuck, is this man hot. "Go out with me," he blurts. "Go out with me, I'll show you how suitable I am."

-Over the course of a month's worth of introductions, preparation and inauguration traditions (which, among other things, have him dropped butt-naked in the middle of the forest, requiring him to find his way back to campus; have him spend more time learning long-dead languages than he is comfortbale with; have him getting thoroughly intimate with Eskel's (Goat) helper syndrome, Lambert (Lamb) and Aiden's (Kitty-Cat) ostentatiously loud fucking, Coen's (Hawk) frequent absences and Geralt's (Wolf) quiet, but passionate idealism) Jaskier learns the truth at the core of Kaer Morhen. It is more than a fraternity, it is a brotherhood of students that spend their free time in rituals to protect the college, its city, likely even the whole state from supernatural creatures that threaten to cross over into the world. The existence of these is no surprise to Jaskier who's come out of an adolescence of escapism and coping through fiction and song, but the fact that there are handsome tough guys who work to banish him is too much of a dream to be true. It is true. Unofficially, the call themselves Witchers. They catch wraiths in cricles of runes, they re-direct necrophages into Kaer Morhen's basement and slay them with blades of silver. They brew potions and cast minor spells to get rid of mutated insectoids. And Jaskier is to be one of them. They call him Lark.

-His first ritual goes bat-shit wrong. Jaskier is reasonably sure he did everything right, but the wraith doesn't stay contained after they bound it . "Fuck," Geralt growns after, pressing a cloth to the gaping wound in Jaskier's shoulder while they wait for Eskel to whip out the first aid kit. Jaskier shudders, can taste blood. "There shouldn't be fireflies here, right?" - "Ah, nope," Lambert says. He keeps snapping his fingers before Jaskier's eyes. "Hey, Lark, stay with us, okay?" - "He's fine," Aiden says, inspecting his nails. "If anything, it's Geralt we should be worried about. He's about to have a full blown panic attack." Geralt grunts and holds Jaskier closer.

-"Does this mean I can ask Priscilla to let me copy her homework," Jaskier asks later. He's in bed, bundled up in one of Kaer Morhen's bedrooms. Portraits of alumni line the wall and a hearth crackles away. Geralt sits next to the bed, a pretense-book on his lap. His eyes bore into Jaskier, wide, haunted. "Jask," he breathes out shakily. - "Hello, big guy. How are we doing?" - "Better now that you're awake. We... we had to call in Vesemir. He will want to talk to you." - "Alright, okay," Jaskier says. He knows who Vesemir is of course, but he has no idea what exactly his job entails or what having to talk to him means. "Geralt?" - "Hmm?" - "What did I do wrong?" - "Nothing. You were uncharacteristically precise... but it turns out I was right all along. You're not suited for this kind of work." - "Because I'm not big and buff like all of you?" Jaskier asks, pouting. Geralt has the audacity to laugh. But he also takes Jaskier's hands and kisses his knuckles and huh? What? Jaskier's brain short-circuits. Fuck when did he fall so hard for Geralt? "No, Jask, you're perfect. I mean, uh, ah, perfectly annoying." That bastard. "The wraith went crazy because it turns out you're an amplifier. That means supernatural creatures are pulled to you and can draw from you to manifest easier in our world. You wouldn't have noticed this unless you ever passed by a spot where the spheres overlap significantly. As it is, your participation in the ritual poses a danger." - "TLDR: I'm fired?" - "That's for Vesemir to decide... truth be told, I don't want you to go. But I can't stand the thought of you being in danger. Because of me, this." - "Go out with me, Geralt. Please. One coffee," Jaskier practically begs. Yes, his shoulder is minced meat and he feels exhausted from the blood loss but Geralt has never been this open and honest with him. "...fine."

-Jaskier heals up under the diligent care of his friends. Priscilla is allowed over too, practically drags him though his classes with tutoring and copies of her homework and sugar-coated emails to his various professors. Triss video-calls him three times a day. Eskel's med school expertise leaves Jaskier with the most neat scar he is ever going to get out of this, Lambert and Aiden hang out to play Gwent with him, a strange card game they invented and custom-painted, Coën even pops in to bring Jaskier his guitar and a venti Matcha Tea Latte even though the nearest Starbucks is miles away. Geralt... Geralt is there almost all the way. He sleeps in the chair at first, then - on Jaskier's stern insistence - in the bed with him, though careful to keep his distance. He helps Jaskier into the shower, something so strangely intimate without feeling innately sexual, he takes him out on slow walks. Geralt doesn't talk much, but Jaskier knows he feels responsible. It's fine. Sure. Absolutely fine. Jaskier is so far gone for this man by the time he moves back into his own dorm that he considers getting injured again just to have Geralt by his side. They never do go out for coffee.

-Vesemir doesn't so much invite Jaskier as have him called out of his choir session by a girl about Jaskier's age. She has the same hair color as Geralt and Jaskier thinks he's seen her around Kaer Morhen's bigger parties. "Hello, Jaskier," she says sweetly, but one look at her tells Jaskier she's deadlier than any of the frat boys. If his drunk memory serves correctly she also does a phenomenal keg stand. "Ves sends me to collect you." Which has Jaskier even more impressed with her. None of the boys dare to call him anything but Vesemir or Sir, even when he's not around. - "I've been expecting this," Jaskier says, shouldering his bag. The girl laughs and grabs his arm to guide him out of the building and across campus. - "You are cute," she says. "Geralt said so, but I thought that was just because he's so infatuated with you. I'm Ciri, by the way, his younger sister." Infatuated, huh? Jaskier has just enough brainspace left to save her name. Ciri. They will have to become very good friends. Infatuated.

-It turns out, Vesemir isn't half as scary as the boys made him out to be. He's closer to sixty than fifty, has a stern face, but a kindly voice and the first thing he does after dismissing Ciri with a meaningful glance is offer Jaskier a glass of whiskey. Jaskier sneaks a photograph of the bottle's label when Vesemir stands at the window and glances down at the campus, hands clasped behind his back. Triss will never believe this. It's the sort of alcohol that exists only in myth, at least to college students. "So, Mr. Pankratz. I'm afraid apologies are in order." - "Please, I prefer Jaskier." - "I know," Vesemir says and turns. "I would kindly ask you to delete that picture, my office and its contents fall under the terms of the non-disclosure agreement you signed when entering our brotherhood." Jaskier gulps heavily, the whiskey suddenly sour on his tongue. But he's quick to paste over a smile. He's gotten this far with the mysterious Kaer Morhen fraternity, he can pull all the way through. He deletes the picture. "Good," Vesemir says. "Now down to business." Vesemir gives him two options. Jaskier can consult a local magical artisan and have his memories of Kaer Morhen's true purpose removed. It is an easy procedure, won't cost him anything. Except for his new-found friends and the love he feels for Geralt. Except for the only place he's ever truly felt at home. Jaskier chooses the latter option which is to become the fraternity's chronicler.

-After that, things are supposed to calm down and they do, for a bit. Geralt still dodges any and all attempts Jaskier makes at flirting even though it's evident his resolve is thinning out. Jaskier observes and documents the rituals, begins to collect old notebooks. He's planning to go above and beyond his job and compile a comprehensive history of Kaer Morhen and its members before he's graduated. He may not be able to partake in the rituals or help the guys protect this city from monsters, but he can play his part. Leave behind a legacy.

-Between that and his normal studies, hanging out with his theater group, meeting Triss on alternate weekends and throwing epic frat parties, all of Jaskier's time is consumed. There are several instances in which Geralt and him almost manage to have their coffee, but then they have Eskel on the phone because Lambert and Aiden managed to give themselves poisoning over a simple Endrega job, or Priscilla needs an emergency stand-in for her weekly performances at a local bar, or Jaskier is simply too tired and falls into bed, sleeping over Zoltan's aggressive snoring. Jaskier doesn't mind so much. They catch glimpses of intimacy, Geralt's hand on the small of his back as he guides him downstairs for another ritual, a good night kiss on the cheeks once it's done, a spot of quiet homework-doing in Kaer Morhen's common room together, their legs pressed close under the table. One of these days, Jaskier will find the courage to close the last bridge between them. He just wants to wait until Geralt seems absolutely comfortable with it.

-All is as well as can be until Vesemir comes up with an idea. Because more and more creatures have been getting through and they are unable to hold off all, he wants to capture one of them, an Archgriffin, to bind in their world and act as guardian against lesser creatures. "You're mad," Aiden says. "That's fucking brilliant." - "It's a good idea," Eskel and Coën agree. Lambert keeps exchanging grim glances with Geralt because they both know what this means. They will have to use Jaskier to lure the beast. Which is why they both protest the idea heavily and Geralt gets into a fight with Vesemir. Jaskier is not there for it, but Aiden and Lambert tell him later, once he's back from theatre rehearsal. He watches them fight over it too and then it's only him and Lambert. Jaskier steals one of Zoltan's bottles of spirits and they get stupidly drunk, wandering around campus all night until Eskel collects them and tucks them into bed at Kaer Morhen. "I will not stand to lose you," Lambert slurs, arm dragged over Jaskier's chest. "You're like, almost my best friend. Plus, Wolf would be devastated." - "Aiden seems to think it'll be fine," Jaskier says, snuggling up to Lambert. - "Yeah, fuck him." They fall asleep like that and the first thing Geralt does when he finds them is kick Lambert all the way down the stairs.

-In the end, Geralt and Lambert are outvoted, not that they can stop Vesemir. Geralt is more silent than usual throughout prep and Jaskier can't seem to cheer him up. He knows his life is likely on the line, but he wants to help so badly. These guys are his family after all. If he can make their lives a little easier by doing this... well, he wants to. He needs to. Being in Kaer Morhen is the first time he seems to have a purpose other than writing angsty teenage songs. Eskel keeps checking up on him. Vesemir writes preliminary excuses for all Jaskier's exams which leave him with only A's, something Priscilla does not appreciate in the slightest. Lambert and Aiden fight and fight and won't stop fighting over this whole affair until Jaskier sits them down and makes them talk. Geralt... remains quiet. Jaskier can tell he doesn't sleep. Can tell he rarely eats. He decides now is as good a time as ever.

-It's the night before and the others have all returned to their dorms, but Jaskier stayed in Kaer Morhen under the pretext of Zoltan having his girlfriend over, and Geralt rarely ever goes home. He has a flat off campus, but Jaskier suspects it's drab and lonely. He gets it. Kaer Morhen has soft fluffly beds and fire places and wards and books. Currently, it has the two of them, bundled up in one of the upstairs rooms. They share an armchair before a low fire, not an unusual sight for them, not anymore. And still, Geralt pretends they're just friends. It's ridiculous. "You know I'll be fine, right?" Jaskier says. He has his head tucked under Geralt's chin and has been humming show tunes under his breath for the last half hour, something that usually puts Geralt right to sleep. Not so now. "I can't know that," Geralt replies. He lifts Jaskier's hand which he's been holding and traces the veins on the back of it with his thumb. "You've no idea how dangerous the ritual is. Even more so with you being an amplifier." - "So protect me." - "I will. I promise, I will." - "Geralt, when are you going to finally give in?" Jaskier sighs and pulls back a little. Geralt stares at him, a little cross-eyed and Jaskier gives a shaky laugh. "I'm going to kiss you now. Pull back if you don't want to, but allow it and I'll never let you go." Geralt allows it, kisses back. It's the first night they indulge in a love that has been growing for almost a year and it's gloriously sweet, blazing, beautiful. It leaves Jaskier with faith that, even if things go sideways, Geralt will get them both out of it alive.

-The ritual goes well thanks to the Witchers' meticulous preparations, the dozen or so warding spells they put on Jaskier and Geralt's reflexes that save him from a swipe of the Griffin's claw. They bind the creature to one of the basement holding cells and celebrate with excessive amoutns of vodka and cake. "All is well that ends well, huh?" Jaskier asks from where he sits on Geralt's lap. Strong arms hold him and his chest is full of nightingales that flutter and sing. He watches Eskel drunkenly dance-offing with Coen in a corner, watches Lambert and Aiden make out in another. Vesemir took off, but Ciri is there, lounging next to them on the couch, nose buried in her phone. "I will never put you through such danger again," Geralt grunts, his nose buried in Jaskier's hair. "Of course, love." Jaskier relaxes into the embrace. All is well, though it is not nearly the end of this story.

-TLDR: Kaer Morhen is an occultist fraternity that keeps supernatural beings away from campus. Jaskier, unable to participate in the actual rituals due to a genetic predisposition, becomes their chronicler. Geralt worries a lot. Jaskier tries for the longest time to get him to go on a coffee date or something. Lambert and Aiden are a disaster couple. Eskel keeps them all together, literally and figuratively. Ciri is the one who got all the brain cells.

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boldlyanxious · 4 years

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None the Wiser

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Bio-dad Bruce--first meeting

(Apparently telling myself I have to much going on to participate means nothing. I had an idea and it demanded to be written.)

It felt like such a simple assignment. Pretty basic genetics lesson for biology. Blood type was an easy thing to test in class. Their biology teacher had asked that they bring in the known blood types of their immediate family to help with understanding how it would work to pass on the genetic traits. Marinette had no siblings but she knew both her parents were O+.

They had finished with eye color during the last class and that was no concern for Marinette. Genetics could easily explain how the recessive blue eyes could come from the green and grey of her father and mother. But she had never known her blood type before. Just like with the eyes she should have received the recessive o from each of them making her blood type O.

She had already told her parents blood type but when she took the test it wasn't right. She told the teacher the expected answer when she was called upon for her test result and the teacher went on to explain how this was the most likely response with a 1 in 8 chance of having O- instead. Marinette didn't show anyone her test results. She was too confused. There was no way she could have gotten A blood type from her parents.

She knew there were pictures of her mother pregnant with her. Her dad was in the room when she was born and they had been married for 6 years before her mother was pregnant. She didn't want to think that her mother had cheated but there were not many other options. Her parents always seemed so in love, Marinette didn't want to ask them how it was possible.

She was quiet the rest of the week until she came up with a plan. She would simply take a DNA ancestry test and that would make everything make sense. It was probably a faulty blood type test and she was interested in the results she would get anyway. So, that weekend she got everything together and sent off for answers.

---

Tim wasn't paying much attention to the alert from his phone because he was just waiting for his coffee order. He looked down and read it. Then he read it again before he ran out of the shop without the coffee. He headed directly back to Wayne Enterprises to tell Bruce in person what he had learned.

Bruce was not happy to be pulled from his meeting by his son. He seemed to have an issue with a small French subsidiary company that did medical and genetic testing. Tim was talking too fast and he couldn't quite make sense of any of it. His head was already filled with the stock prices and percentages being discussed at the quarterly report meeting he had just left. He wasn't switching gears quickly enough for the science Tim was explaining.

"Are you even listening to me?" Tim asked frustrated "How would you even end up with another child in France?"

"Wait, what? I don't have any children in France." Bruce responded.

"The test was flagged in the system as a match for you. But that isn't all. She appears to be a match with Damian's DNA." Tim said.

"I have a daughter with Talia? I really don't think that is possible."

"It appears that way. I haven't looked into anything on her yet."

"I need to pack a bag."

"You don't think that is a little premature? She could have been trained to kill you."

"We will still do background on her. But if I have another child, I want to meet her."

---

Marinette was frantically gathering things she needed while holding her phone to her ear, talking to Nino. She grabbed her bag, a hanging garment bag and a stack of bakery boxes. She looked over and glared at her bag with the decorations before setting down the boxes and reaching for the straps of the bag.

"Argh, this isn't working right. I need more hands."

"You are trying to carry too much. I knew you would do that. It's why I planned ahead and got you a ride." Nino's voice came through the receiver after he finished laughing at her.

"The hotel is not far away. Who would give me a ride?"

"My buddy Adrien. He should be arriving any minute."

Marinette looked up as the bells on the door chimed. Adrien walked in followed by 2 men in business suits that Marinette couldn't help but admire. She jumped at him with a fierce hug, forgetting all about her phone call. Her phone flew off her shoulder right at the older of the 2 businessmen. His blue eyes danced with amusement at her shocked expression as he caught it easily.

"Oh wow. Thank you so much. I'm sorry for throwing it at you. That was so cool." Her excited voice stilled as she realized she was still against Adrien, having frozen in their hug. She pushed away and reached for her phone.

"Thank you again." She turned back to Adrien. "And thank you for the ride. I have so many things to carry."

Nino's voice came through the phone, "what is happening?"

"Oh, sorry Nino. I kinda threw you away when I saw Adrien."

"Don't I mean anything to you? What about our love?"

"I couldn't help myself. When I saw him with the sun shining in his gorgeous golden locks it was all I could think about."

Adrien raised his eye brow at her but she waved him off with her hand and gave a conspiratorial wink.

"You've gutted me." Nino said.

"I'll set you up with my best girl. She is 16 and I know you have a thing for older women."

"Well I can't have you, baby. I guess I'll meet her."

"Ugh. Too far Nino. Don't ever call me baby again. Even as a joke."

"But you are baby."

I'm hanging up now."

"Don't forget your shoes."

"My shoes!" Marinette ran off, shoving her garment bag and her phone into Adrien's hands, she rushed back to her living room to get her shoes to go with her party dress.

---

Bruce and Tim hadn't been sure that they would see the girl when visiting the patisserie owned by her parents. But when they entered the establishment they quickly recognised the girl buzzing around as the same one they had researched after learning she shared Bruce's DNA. When he met her eyes, in the moment he handed her phone back to her, there was no mistaking that she got his eyes.

They took just enough time deciding what to try so they were able to see her as she went in and out several times collecting all she needed from what they gathered was her best friend's birthday party. She kissed her parents on the cheek and promised to see them tomorrow before she zipped back out the door the last time.

As the men walked back to their hotel they talked about how they should proceed. None in the family seemed to recognize them and they weren't sure how she came to be with them even though she was Bruce and Talia's biological child. When they arrived back at their hotel they were surprised to see the same girl unloading all the things she had packed and giving direction to the others gathered with a confidence she hadn't seemed to possess before.

All those working for her were occupied setting up decorations, sounds equipment, or tables for gifts and treats as she guided the bodyguard of her friend from the bakery in how to carry the massive cake and where to place it. When he finished and was heading out she offered him a small package from the bakery when she thanked him for all his help. Then she was off setting up for her friend's arrival.

It was odd for Bruce to realize he was feeling proud watching her. Then he had to pull himself back when he realized he was watching her. Actually it was Tim who pulled him away so he wouldn't be noticed watching a teenage girl he had never really met. They headed back to the rooms they rented. They both entered Tim's room where his computer was still working on finding information on the couple and their daughter.

---

Marinette was feeling very antsy. She had set up the perfect surprise party with Marlene Cesaire for Alya's 16th birthday. Mostly successful because it wasn't a surprise. Alya was dropping off the twins with her mother at the end of Marlene's shift in the hotel kitchen before she headed to Marinette's house for a small party in the bakery and a sleepover.

Alya had no idea how big her party was going to be. Since the hotel wasn't full and the ballroom hadn't been booked, the mayor allowed his chef to book two rooms and the ballroom and just pay for the staff to clean it rather than the typical rate. He was even allowing the teenagers to stay unaccompanied so long as they didn't destroy the room or disturb other guests (too much).

Marinette had made her a special dress with a matching hero mask and told everyone to dress as a hero or wear a mask. Kitty Section would be playing for a bit and they had a bunch of party games and songs to dance or sing to so Alya could choose the activities. Most of the people coming would be staying in one of the 2 connected hotel rooms so that party could go really late.

She got Nathanael and Marc to sit nearby and watch to warn her when Alya was close. They weren't super close to Alya so it wouldn't raise suspicion if she saw them, she would probably just stop to greet them but let them keep working. That would give them the perfect opportunity to call ahead to make sure everything was ready for her arrival.

Marinette was already regretting inviting Lila. She was not only actively not helping but she was getting in the way of everyone who was helping. She had to explain how it would have been better if the tables had been moved or if the color scheme was different. She thought hotel parties were tacky and the way her last party was was so much better because she only included her closest celebrity friends. But also the party was actually her idea and she was letting Marinette help out and take the credit so she wouldn't feel left out.

---

"I think I found something." Tim said.

Bruce walked over to look at the screen. Tim showed him Sabine's medical records from 16-18 years ago. She and Tom had been seen by a fertility specialist originally almost 18 years ago. A series of appointments after that escalated to several visits at a facility that specialized in in vitro fertilization. As far as they could tell the couple had set it up to have a genetic child but with assistance but the company had logged 2 security issues during the same month they visited. The company kept it quiet because they could find nothing out of place after the breech. One new employee worked there during that time for only 2 months: Nyssa Raatko.

"I don't know what to do'" Bruce paused. "Tell them. I definitely need to tell them."

Bruce has mostly been talking to himself while Tim was in the other room distracted. Tim heard the door latch closed after Bruce left and he had to think about what he had heard while he wasn't paying attention in order to put together why Bruce had left.

"Oh, that is a terrible idea," he said. He worked on getting his key, wallet and phone into his pockets while he slipped his shoes back on. He followed after Bruce planning to catch up with him. He walked a block in the wrong direction before he realized his mistake and back tracked to get back to the patisserie.

---

"Okay, I got the call. Alya will be here in about 1 minute. Places everyone." Marinette called out.

Everyone waited and suddenly the ballroom doors burst open. Etta and Ella had been very excited to be told it was their one chance to run away from Alya and into the ballroom. They usually were scolded for going in there. It was of limits because it might be used for an event and no one wanted them to mess things up.

Alya chased them into the room and shrieked when everyone jumped out and yelled:

"Surprise!"

"Oh, this looks awesome. How did you do all this? There is no way we can afford this." Alya said.

"Honestly, Marinette did most of it." Marlene said. "She cleared it with me and Mayor Bourgeois. I think she had a back up plan but the ballroom and the 2 guest rooms are yours because they didn't sell. He let me just pay the cost for the hotel so long as nothing is destroyed and you don't run off guests."

"Girl, this is amazing!"

"I brought you a dress to wear. I told everyone it was hero classy so there is a mask to match."

Alya pulled her into a hug and then dragged her off to change into the new dress.

---

"Welcome back. We are closed but we will still offer anything we still have available." Tom said.

"I enjoyed what I had here, but that isn't why I came. I need to talk to you about your daughter." Bruce said.

"Marinette? What happened? Is she okay?" Sabine's mind went to all the things that could have gone wrong in the last hour as she looked around for her phone.

"Nothing has happened to her, but she recently sent off for DNA and ancestry results to a company I own."

"We don't know anything about that. Was she supposed to get a parent signature because of her age?" Sabine asked.

"No. It was flagged because her DNA is a match to mine. Also a full match to my biological son. She shares the same mother as him."

The room was silent for several beats before both of them denied that what he said could be possible. He let them continue for a moment before sharing what he had learned. He explained that his genetic material had been stolen by Damian's mother and from there he believed it had been stolen by her sister for an unknown purpose. He told them he found a record of her working at the fertility clinic they had used and the company had noted a couple security breeches during that time. He continued by suggesting she had probably chosen them based on a similar ethnic makeup to himself and the mother.

They listened with increasing agitation. The man before then appeared to be very well off and he mentioned that he owned the company as more of an afterthought. They suspected he had quite a bit more money than them and he said he had custody of the other child he mentioned. They shared a look and thought they might be having the same thought that this man intended to take their child away from them. They weren't sure who legally had the right to a child in such cases. But they had heard of custody issues with couples who needed to use donors during in vitro fertilization. They had been relieved that they were able to get pregnant without using a donor. They all turned as the door opened and Marinette burst in obviously angry.

"Hold me back from that little Italian witch. I am going to rip her weird pseudo pig tails off her head and thrash her with them. Then I'll cram them down her throat so she can never lie again."

All eyes turned to Marinette as she came into the room. Based on her appearance she was probably heading up to her bedroom to change her dress. The bodice of her dress was smeared with icing after Lila 'accidentally' tripped into Marinette. Marinette then accidentally dropped her so she fell but that didn't save her dress.

Marinette looked at her parents as she felt the tension in the room. Her parents had moved to place themselves between her and the stranger in their living room. Marinette looked around but no one spoke. She didn't know how to read the unusual look on the man's face but her parents looked like something between scared and angry.

"Is something wrong?" Marinette asked.

"I was just heading out," the man said. He reached a hand out, smiling. "I'm Bruce."

"Marinette," she responded while shaking his hand. She looked back at her parents and now she couldn't tell what their expressions meant as Bruce walked out.

#maribat #bio dad bruce wayne #biodad au #boldlyanxious

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blackswaneuroparedux · 3 years

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Anonymous said: I didn’t know too much about the late British philosopher Sir Roger Scruton until I followed your superbly cultured blog. As an ivy league educated American reading your posts, I feel he is a breath of fresh air as a sane and cultured conservative intellectual. We don’t really have his kind over here where things are heavily polarized between left and right, and sadly, we are often uncivil in our discourse. Sir Roger Scruton talks a lot about beauty especially in art (as indeed you do too), so for Scruton why does beauty as an aesthetic matter in art? Why should we care?

I thank you for your very kind words about my blog which I fear is not worthy of such fulsome praise.

However one who is worthy of praise (or at least gratitude and appreciation at least) is the late Sir Roger Scruton. I have had the pleasure to have met him on a few informal occasions.

Most memorably, I once got invited to High Table dinner at Peterhouse, Cambridge, by a friend who was a junior Don there. This was just after I had finished my studies at Cambridge and rather than pursue my PhD I opted instead to join the British army as a combat pilot officer. And so I found out that Scruton was dining too. We had very pleasant drinks in the SCR before and after dinner. He was exceptionally generous and kind in his consideration of others; we all basked in the gentle warmth of his wit and wisdom.

I remember talking to him about Xanthippe, Socrate’s wife, because I had read his wickedly funny fictional satire. In the book he credits the much maligned Xanthippe with being the brains behind all of Socrates’ famous philosophical ideas (as espoused by Plato).

On other occasions I had seen Roger Scruton give the odd lecture in London or at some cultural forum.

Other than that, I’ve always admire both the man and many of his ideas from afar. I do take issue with some of his intellectual ideas which seem to be taken a tad too far (he think pre-Raphaelites were kitsch) but it’s impossible to dislike the man in person.

Indeed the Marxist philosopher G.A. Cohen reportedly once refused to teach a seminar with Scruton, although they later became very good friends. This is the gap between the personal and the public persona. In public he was reviled as hate figure by some of the more intolerant of the leftists who were trying to shut him down from speaking. But in private his academic peers, writers, and philosophers, regardless of their political beliefs, hugely respected him and took his ideas seriously - because only in private will they ever admit that much of what Scruton talks about has come to pass.

In many ways he was like C.S. Lewis - a pariah to the Oxbridge establishment. At Oxford many dons poo-pooed his children stories, and especially his Christian ideas of faith, culture, and morality, and felt he should have laid off the lay theology and stuck to his academic speciality of English Literature. But an Oxford friend, now a don, tells me that many dons read his theological works in private because much of what he wrote has become hugely relevant today.

Scruton was a man of parts, some of which seemed irreconcilable: barrister, aesthetician, distinguished professor of aesthetics. Outside of brief pit stops at Cambridge, Oxford, and St Andrews, he was mostly based out of Birkbeck College, London University, which had a tradition of a working-class intake and to whom Scruton was something of a popular figure. He was also an editor of the ultra-Conservative Salisbury Review, organist, and an enthusiastic fox hunter. In addition he wrote over 50 books on philosophy, art, music, politics, literature, culture, sexuality, and religion, as well as finding time to write novels and two operas. He was widely recognised for his services to philosophy, teaching and public education, receiving a knighthood in 2016.

He was exactly the type of polymath England didn’t know what to do with because we British do discourage such continental affectations and we prefer people to know their lane and stick to it. Above all we’re suspicious of polymaths because no one likes a show off. Scruton could be accused of a few things but he never perceived as a show off. He was a gentle, reserved, and shy man of kindly manners.

He was never politically ‘Conservative’, or tried not to be. Indeed he encouraged many to think about defining “a philosophy of conservatism” and not “a philosophy for the Conservative Party.” In defining his own thoughts, he positioned conservatism to relation to its historical rivals, liberalism and socialism. He wrote that liberalism was the product of the enlightenment, which viewed society as a contract and the state as a system for guaranteeing individual rights. While he saw socialism as the product of the industrial revolution, and an ideology which views society as an economic system and the state as a means of distributing social wealth.

Like another great English thinkers, Michael Oakeshott, he felt that conservatives leaned more towards liberalism then socialism, but argued that for conservatives, freedom should also entail responsibility, which in turn depends on public spirit and virtue. Many classical liberals would agree.

In fact, he criticised Thatcherism for “its inadequate emphasis on the civic virtues, such as self-sacrifice, duty, solidarity and service of others.” Scruton agreed with classical liberals in believing that markets are not necessarily expressions of selfishness and greed, but heavily scolded his fellow Conservatives for allowing themselves to be caricatured as leaving social problems to the market. Classical liberals could be criticised for the same neglect.

Perhaps his conservative philosophy was best summed up when he wrote “Liberals seek freedom, socialists equality, and conservatives responsibility. And, without responsibility, neither freedom nor equality have any lasting value.”

Scruton’s politics were undoubtedly linked to his philosophy, which was broadly Hegelian. He took the view that all of the most important aspects of life – truth (the perception of the world as it is), beauty (the creation and appreciation of things valued for their own sake), and self-realisation (the establishment by a person of a coherent, autonomous identity) – can be achieved only as part of a cultural community within which meaning, standards and values are validated. But he had a wide and deep understanding of the history of western philosophy as a whole, and some of his best philosophical work consisted of explaining much more clearly than is often the case how different schools of western philosophy relate to one another.

People today still forget how he was a beacon for many East European intellectuals living under Communist rule in the 1980s. Scruton was deeply attached in belonging to a network of renowned Western scholars who were helping the political opposition in Eastern Europe. Their activity began in Czechoslovakia with the Jan Hus Foundation in 1980, supported by a broad spectrum of scholars from Jacques Derrida and Juergen Habermas to Roger Scruton and David Regan. Then came Poland, Hungary and later Romania. In Poland, Scruton co-founded the Jagiellonian Trust, a small but significant organisation. The other founders and active participants were Baroness Caroline Cox, Jessica Douglas-Home, Kathy Wilkes, Agnieszka Kołakowska, Dennis O’Keeffe, Timothy Garton Ash, and others.

Scruton had a particular sympathy for Prague and the Czech society, which bore fruit in the novel, Notes from Underground, which he wrote many years later. But his involvement in East European affairs was more than an emotional attachment. He believed that Eastern Europe - despite the communist terror and aggressive social engineering - managed to preserve a sense of historical continuity and strong ties to European and national traditions, more unconscious than openly articulated, which made it even more valuable. For this reason, decades later, he warned his East European friends against joining the European Union, arguing that whatever was left of those ties will be demolished by the political and ideological bulldozer of European bureaucracy.

Anyway, digressions aside, onto to the heart of your question.

Art matters.

Let’s start from there. Regardless of your personal tastes or aesthetics as you stand before a painting, slip inside a photograph, run your hand along the length of a sculpture, or move your body to the arrangements spiraling out of the concert speakers…something very primary - and primal - is happening. And much of it sub-conscious. There’s an element of trust.

Political philosopher, Hannah Arendt, defined artworks as “thought things,” ideas given material form to inspire reflection and rumination. Dialogue. Sometimes even discomfort. Art has the ability to move us, both positively and negatively. So we know that art matters. But the question posed by modern philosophers such as Roger Scruton has been: how do we want it to affect us?

Are we happy with the direction art is taking? Namely, says, Scruton, away from seeking “higher virtues” such as beauty and craftmanship, and instead, towards novelty for novelty’s sake, provoking emotional response under the guise of socio-political discourse.

Why does beauty in art matter?

Scruton asks us to wake up and start demanding something more from art other than disposable entertainment. “Through the pursuit of beauty,” suggests Scruton, “we shape the world as our own and come to understand our nature as spiritual beings. But art has turned its back on beauty and now we are surrounded by ugliness.” The great artists of the past, says Scruton, “were painfully aware that human life was full of care and suffering, but their remedy was beauty. The beautiful work of art brings consolation in sorrow and affirmation…It shows human life to be worthwhile.” But many modern artists, argues the philosopher, have become weary of this “sacred task” and replaced it with the “randomness” of art produced merely to gain notoriety and the result has been anywhere between kitsch to ugliness that ultimately leads to inward alienation and nihilistic despair.

The best way to understand Scruton’s idea of beauty in art and why it matters is to let him speak for himself. Click below on the video and watch a BBC documentary broadcast way back in 2009 that he did precisely on this subject, why beauty matters. It will not be a wasted hour but perhaps enrich and even enlighten your perspective on the importance of beauty in art.

vimeo

So I’ll do my best to summarise the point Scruton is making in this documentary above.

Here goes.....

In his 2009 documentary “Why Beauty Matters”, Scruton argues that beauty is a universal human need that elevates us and gives meaning to life. He sees beauty as a value, as important as truth or goodness, that can offer “consolation in sorrow and affirmation in joy”, therefore showing human life to be worthwhile.

According to Scruton, beauty is being lost in our modern world, particularly in the fields of art and architecture.

I was raised in many different cultures from India, Pakistan, to China, Japan, Southern Africa, and the Middle East as well schooling in rural Britain and Switzerland. So coming home to London on frequent visits was often a confusing experience because of the mismatch of modern art and new architecture. In life and in art I have chosen to see the beauty in things, locating myself in Paris, where I am surrounded by beauty, and understand the impact it can have on the everyday.

Scruton’s disdain for modern art begins with Marcel Duchamp’s urinal. Originally a satirical piece designed to mock the world of art and the snobberies that go with it, it has come to mean that anything can be art and anyone can be an artist. A “cult of ugliness” was created where originality is placed above beauty and the idea became more important than the artwork itself. He argues that art became a joke, endorsed by critics, doing away with a need for skill, taste or creativity.

Duchamp’s argument was that the value of any object lies solely in what each individual assigns it, and thus, anything can be declared “art,” and anyone an artist.

But is there something wrong with the idea that everything is art and everyone an artist? If we celebrate the democratic ideals of all citizens being equal and therefore their input having equal value, doesn’t Duchamp’s assertion make sense?

Who’s to say, after all, what constitutes beauty?

This resonated with me in particular and brought to mind when Scruton meets the artist Michael Craig-Martin and asks him about how Duchamp’s urinal first made him feel. Martin is best known for his work “An Oak Tree” which is a glass of water on a shelf, with text beside it explaining why it is an oak tree. Martin argues that Duchamp captures the imagination and that art is an art because we think of it as such.

When I first saw “An Oak Tree” I was confused and felt perhaps I didn’t have the intellect to understand it. When I would later question it with friends who worked in the art auction and gallery world, the response was always “You just don’t get it,” which became a common defence. To me, it was reminiscent of Hans Christian Andersen’s short tale “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, about two weavers who promise an emperor a new suit of clothes that they say is invisible to those who are unfit for their positions, stupid or incompetent. In reality, they make no clothes at all.

Scruton argues that the consumerist culture has been the catalyst for this change in modern art. We are always being sold something, through advertisements that feed our appetite for stuff, adverts try to be brash and outrageous to catch our attention. Art mimics advertising as artists attempt to create brands, the product that they sell is themselves. The more shocking and outrageous the artwork, the more attention it receives. Scruton is particularly disturbed by Piero Manzoni’s artwork “Artist’s Shit” which consists of 90 tin cans filled with the artist’s excrement.

Moreover the true aesthetic value, the beauty, has vanished in modern works that are selling for millions of dollars. In such works, by artists like Rothko, Franz Kline, Damien Hirst, and Tracey Emin, the beauty has been replaced by discourse. The lofty ideals of beauty are replaced by a social essay, however well intentioned.

A common argument for modern art is that it is reflecting modern life in all of its disorder and ugliness. Scruton suggests that great art has always shown the real in the light of the ideal and that in doing so it is transfigured.

A great painting does not necessarily have a beautiful subject matter, but it is made beautiful through the artist’s interpretation of it. Rembrandt shows this with his portraits of crinkly old women and men or the compassion and kindness of which Velazquez paints the dwarfs in the Spanish court. Modern art often takes the literal subject matter and misses the creative act. Scruton expresses this point using the comparison of Tracey Emin’s artwork ‘My Bed’ and a painting by Delacroix of the artist’s bed.

The subject matters are the same. The unmade beds in all of their sordid disdain. Delacroix brings beauty to a thing that lacks it through the considered artistry of his interpretation and by doing so, places a blessing on his own emotional chaos. Emin shares the ugliness that the bed shows by using the literal bed. According to Emin, it is art because she says that it is so.

Philosophers argued that through the pursuit of beauty, we shape the world as our home. Traditional architecture places beauty before utility, with ornate decorative details and proportions that satisfy our need for harmony. It reminds us that we have more than just practical needs but moral and spiritual needs too. Oscar Wilde said “All art is absolutely useless,” intended as praise by placing art above utility and on a level with love, friendship, and worship. These are not necessarily useful but are needed.

We have all experienced the feeling when we see something beautiful. To be transported by beauty, from the ordinary world to, as Scruton calls it, “the illuminated sphere of contemplation.” It is as if we feel the presence of a higher world. Since the beginning of western civilisation, poets and philosophers have seen the experience of beauty as a calling to the divine.

According to Scruton, Plato described beauty as a cosmic force flowing through us in the form of sexual desire. He separated the divine from sexuality through the distinction between love and lust. To lust is to take for oneself, whereas to love is to give. Platonic love removes lust and invites us to engage with it spiritually and not physically. As Plato says, “Beauty is a visitor from another world. We can do nothing with it save contemplate its pure radiance.”

Scruton makes the prescient point that art and beauty were traditionally aligned in religious works of art. Science impacted religion and created a spiritual vacuum. People began to look to nature for beauty, and there was a shift from religious works of art to paintings of landscapes and human life.

In today’s world of art and architecture, beauty is looked upon as a thing of the past with disdain. Scruton believes his vision of beauty gives meaning to the world and saves us from meaningless routines to take us to a place of higher contemplation. In this I think Scruton encourages us not to take revenge on reality by expressing its ugliness, but to return to where the real and the ideal may still exist in harmony “consoling our sorrows and amplifying our joys.”

Scruton believes when you train any of your senses you are privy to a heightened world. The artist sees beauty everywhere and they are able to draw that beauty out to show to others. One finds the most beauty in nature, and nature the best catalyst for creativity. The Tonalist painter George Inness advised artists to paint their emotional response to their subject, so that the viewer may hope to feel it too.

It must be said that Scruton’s views regarding art and beauty are not popular with the modern art crowd and their postmodern advocates. Having written several books on aesthetics, Scruton has developed a largely metaphysical aspect to understanding standards of art and beauty.

Throughout this documentary (and indeed his many books and articles), Scruton display a bias towards ‘high’ art, evidenced by a majority of his examples as well as his dismissal of much modern art. However on everyday beauty, there is much space for Scruton to challenge his own categories and extend his discussion to include examples from popular culture, such as in music, graphic design, and film. Omitting ‘low art’ in the discussion of beauty could lead one to conclude that beauty is not there.

It is here I would part ways with Scruton. I think there is beauty to be found in so called low art of car design, popular music or cinema for example - here I’m thinking of a Ferrari 250 GTO, jazz, or the films of Bergman, Bresson, or Kurosawa (among others) come to mind. Scruton gives short thrift to such 20th century art forms which should not be discounted when we talk of beauty. It’s hard to argue with Jean-Luc Godard for instance when he once said of French film pioneering director, Robert Bresson, “He is the French cinema, as Dostoevsky is the Russian novel and Mozart is German music.”

Overall though I believe Scruton does enough to leave us to ponder ourselves on the importance of beauty in the arts and our lives, including fine arts, music, and architecture. I think he succeeds in illuminating the poverty, dehumanisation and fraud of modernist and post-modernist cynicism, reductionism and nihilism. Scruton is rightly prescient in pointing the centrality of human aspiration and the longing for truth in both life and art.

In this he is correct in showing that goodness and beauty are universal and fundamentally important; and that the value of anything is not utilitarian and without meaning (e.g., Oscar Wilde’s claim that “All art is absolutely useless.”). Human beings are not purposeless material objects for mechanistic manipulation by others, and civil society itself depends upon a cultural consensus that beauty is real and every person should be respected with compassion as having dignity and nobility with very real spiritual needs to encounter and be transformed and uplifted by beauty.

Thanks for your question.

#ask #question #sir roger scruton #scruton #art #aesthetics #beauty #architecture #music #paintings #film #cinema #personal

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incorrectlumityquotes · 4 years

Text

FULL REVIEWS: “Understanding Willow”

Damn this episode was hyped up. Everyone was looking forward to this. Everyone wanted to know how this was going to go down. I did too and when we got it we were not disappointed.

However it did prove why I don’t participate in fan theories because we’re all usually wrong all the time. So I say just shut up and be patient. But enough of why I’m not invited to discussions. Lets get it on!

We start the cold open with a Skara sighting! I still think her design is cute. She inviting her friends to her fifteenth birthday party. Neat. We see a bit of Amity’s dynamic with the two. Boscha is actively mean to Willow and Luz while the other two seem more neutral.

“It’s fun because it’s stupid.” This was hilariously adorable.

This was adorably hilarious.

Again we get another quick shot of how Boscha and her group pick on Willow. Skara doesn’t actively join but she does laugh at Willow which does suck. And we know Amity used to put down Willow too. My lumity loving heart is guessing that she’s stopped because of Luz’s influence but it’s just a guess. Still not cool that she doesn’t stop Boscha but that’s for another episode.

That must be an odd sensation.

We cut to photo memory class(?) and it’s big brain time again. What track would this be in? What purpose would this serve? Who would need to pull out memories with tweezers? If this process could permanently damage a person why would you let teenagers do it to other teenagers? It’s a madhouse I tells ya. A madhouse.

Anyway.

So Willow was always a cutie.

Luz notices the Amity memory, but Willow asks her to drop it and leave it alone. Which she doesn’t do. It’s another character flaw of Luz that we’re going to see more of. She always has good intentions but she tends to overstep her bounds. It’s (to me) another form of being innocently insensitive, a common character flaw in characters like Luz.

Amity notices the memory too when she passes by the room. She wants to put their previous friendship behind them and does the reasonable thing of setting the memory on fire. Which sets all the memories on fire because of course it does. It’s fire! Dammit Amity, I thought you were the smart one.

“I’ve connected the dots.” “You haven’t connected shit.” “I’ve connected them.”

We start the B-plot with Gus. Apparently after being kicked out of the Human Appreciation Society, he’s been looking for another club to join and is trying the school paper. He has to interview someone to get in but can’t decide on who.

Is it hot in here or am I just dying?

Willow starts freaking out and getting all sweaty and everyone (you included) figures out why immediately.

And there it is.

So Willow is going to to bye-bye for good unless they do something. So Luz takes everyone to the smartest person she knows because it’s clearly not Amity right now.

It’s a good thing you went to Eda and not a teacher or Willow’s parents.

So Eda explains that they can recover Willow’s mind before all the memories are permanently destroyed by physically sending someone in there to recover and repair the memories.

“Be still my fantasy loving heart!”

I agree with Luz. I love the journey to the center of the mind trope. But Eda believes in the buddy system so someone has to go with her and since we need Gus for the B-plot, it’s Amity.

Luz and Amity enter Willow’s mind and it takes a quick second to organize itself to a form that they can perceive because it’s the mind. That’s kind what it does. It likes to organize things to recognize patterns and because magic.

Luz and Amity start fixing the memories. Apparently, Willow and Amity were really good friends when they were little and even Amity feels bad about almost getting rid of them. But there’s one memory that Amity doesn’t want Luz to see.

Meanwhile in the B-plot, Gus is still trying to find someone to interview. Eda suggests herself because she’s Eda, and King demands attention. They don’t care about Gus’s whatever; they just like attention.

Back in Willow’s mind, Luz and Amity are going a good job repairing the memories but something is undoing all their work. We get a cute moment between Luz and Amity that I want to talk about more when I do my lumity analysis after I finish the reviews.

BTW, I’m going to do a lumity analysis.

They discover that the monster undoing all their work wasn’t actually that one fire Digimon whose name escapes me, but was actually the Inner Willow. The Inner Willow reveals that Willow actually resents Amity for ending their friendship and letting her new friends pick on her for years.

Now she has the opportunity to let out all her anger and hate like The Emperor’s dialogue in a STAR WARS movie. I know I’ve made that joke before but it still applies.

Inner Willow plays back the memory of when Amity ended their friendship. We know they said that Amity did it because Willow was bad at magic but the acutal memory is a little off. Amity reveals why as well as the truth on why she really ended her friendship with Willow.

Amity’s parents never liked Willow because she wasn’t from an elite witch family. Of course Amity didn’t care. She was a little kid and kids don’t care about stuff like that. Amity’s parents say that she can have one of the friends that they picked out for her. (So Amity’s parents don’t even see Skara and Boscha as people either, huh?) Turns out they were brats even back then too. I guess Skara mellowed out over time. When Amity refuses, her parents promise that they’ll use their influence to make sure that Willow can’t get into Hexside.

This a threat but I always wondered why it was a threat. The best guesses are that Amity and Willow wouldn’t be able to see each other at all, Willow wanted to go to Hexside, Hexside is one of the better schools on The Boiling Isles, Hexside was the closest school to Willow’s house and going somewhere else would be too much of a pain in the ass. Whatever the case, the threat worked and Amity broke off their friendship in her birthday. Amity’s, not Willow’s. Pronouns.

Amity can’t undo the years of pain she’s put on Willow, but she can promise to make things better from now on. Amity apologizes and promises that she will try to stop Boscha and her gang from picking on her. Egg on her face, huh?

Hayden Christensen is going to show up next. I can feel it.

Luz and Amity repair the memories and leave Willow’s mind. In a very mature twist for a Disney show, Willow admits she can’t forgive Amity yet. There were literal years of pain between them. But it’s a start. And the episode ends with Gus interviewing Hooty and that goes exactly the way you think it would. Hoot.

FINAL SCORE: 5 - Loved it.

This episode was everything people wanted and more. The drama, the depth, the heart all came across strong here. Not a major turning point for the plot (because I know some people who dismiss every episode that isn’t about the main plot as filler. BTW fuck you guys), but this was a major turning point for the characters. Luz may be the main character of the show, but the main characters of the episode were Willow and Amity.

If I had to find any faults it’s that I didn’t think the B-plot was that great. I don’t think Gus is very funny yet. Especially when you put him next to two comedic powerhouses like King and Eda. Other than that, this was a mind blowing episode. And it’s not even the first one!

#the owl house #my works #full review #full reviews

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ravenadottir · 4 years

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do you have any hcs on what type of drunk the islanders are?

cannot, for the life of me, find my old answer on this.

but it’s a good thing, ‘cause it was probably too short, and i do have some thoughts and scenarios on this one! this is gonna become a whole book :/ i might also include their favorites, or what i think it’s their favorites.

bobby.

he doesn’t know how to stay still when the alcohol goes in! bobby is the type to be dancing, singing along, singing with no music, pumping other people to join him whenever he’s feeling joyful! even when he’s in a certain mood that isn’t celebratory, he’d still be finding a way to not bum everybody out with his problems. he’s just the kind of guy to try and forget his problems while having a glass in hand! “mate!” he points to gary, noah, rahim, henrik. “i - love - you! no, seriously!” he takes a seat on their lap, hugging them as he continues. “i - love you, mate! you’re the best a man can ask! i - love - you!” colorful cocktails like “sex on the beach” and daiquiris. bobbyfish is only fun to him if he’s the one making it.

carl.

forever the quiet drunk, in a corner, reminiscing on every bad decision he’s ever made. nothing makes carl pensive and regretful like alcohol. he always refuses to drink in public because “i’m the worst drunk you can have at your party.” he doesn’t interact or talk before the sixth drink, and when he does, prepare yourself for a battle of two carl’s. “bummer” x “i want to rage, but the pain of being alive is too much for me right now”. definitely wants to be designated driver at all times. prefers to drink alone, at home, when everything is going wrong. bitter drinks like the “negroni” or “manhattan”.

chelsea.

the - life - of - the - party! always! chelsea never lets her outside problems get in the way of a good time and it shows! she’s here to party, to dance, to let everyone know how fun and good friends they are. you’ll never see this girl on the corner. it’s middle of the dancefloor or no dice in her case. she also gets extra flirty with everyone else, without any intentions of hooking up with anyone. “you are looking like the whole damn roast dinner in that dress, babes!” GIN!! and everything you can make with it.

gary.

pirate drunk. do you hear me? pirate drunk. draping his arm on his mates’, or girl’s, shoulder and singing along to whatever in on the background. slow speech and often stuttering his loving and caring words. “buz ya know whet may? i... focken luv ya! i zoo! because... en her mee ou-t. you, may, a - thu - bessss!” it’s love and confusing speeches all around, followed by raising his pint to pay for another round, again. gary drunk is also the type to tell you secrets you definitely didn’t need to know. picture the things he could tell you about from when he was a teenager, before he started working out, and no, i don’t mean painful and deep stuff. i mean the weird phases of discovery. he’s absolutely graphic when talking about those and i’m not here for it, garebear. beer! beer! cheeky v is for the start, then he stays on the beer for good.

henrik.

the happiest pup you’ll ever see at a bar. henrik is extra affectionate after a few shots, and incredibly in touch with his emotions, them being positive or not. one thing i often picture him doing is just going for the kill if he needed some courage for it. whether is a girl or a boy, he’s gonna walk towards them, offer them a drink and let them know how he feels. it’s all about the positive and the horniness. if there’s a possibility of a “bathroom in the club” even better! he doesn’t waste time on talking and if he’s really into you, he’ll let you know. other than that, he’s on the booth, watching the others dance, putting his hair on a bun, because when he decides it’s time for some moves on the dancefloor, no one can hold him back. he’ll grind, twerk, take off his shirt, pull people to dance with, you name it! sweet cocktails like the ones involving wine. anything that has red wine in it, it’s probably his favorite.

hope.

gracefully having her drink in peace, trying her best to keep her composure at all times. i do reckon she’s the kind of person that when drinks has the confusing thoughts and doesn’t get her whole sentences out, but in her head she’s not aware that’s happening. not that she drinks a lot, i don’t think she does that on a night out, or party in a friend’s house, but i can definitely see her being confused when someone laughs of the way she’s speaking, because they can’t understand it. “hope, you’re drunk...” “naah, i’m foine, i only had like...” keeps trying to do the math but can’t, resulting in teasing about how much she had that night. flavored vodka cocktails with a spite of vanilla beans in them.

ibrahim.

i like how shy and closed off he is but just how much he enjoys himself while drunk. he doesn’t necessarily change as much while in that state. he knows he doesn’t need much to have a good time and it shows when he gets to that “carry me home” self. ibrahim’s favorite thing is to dance with his partner and his friends. he lets the spotlight to whoever wants to grab it, but you can be damn sure, out of nowhere, you’ll see him attempting another worm, or his usual twerking. he’s not doing for the show, he’s doing because he can’t stop laughing after and honestly? i love it! he keeps his voice to a lower tone and often gets a little dizzy while getting up. it’s part of the reason noah and bobby tease him, but he doesn’t mind and laughs along. definitely the ones that contain citric fruits, like oranges or limes, lemons and grapefruit. i often picture him drinking a “paloma”. also, drinks that have some pepper might be on his list.

kassam.

this is probably the only time you’ll see kassam smiling for no reason. usually he reserves those for special occasions, such as really goos jokes, some snarky comment about someone who he hates or when you try to make him laugh, failing miserably. but drunk kassam has an easy smile and entertained facade you would think to be fake. do not be mistaken, he’s not. he just can’t control himself while under the influence of alcohol, and i think the part he enjoys the most is to see you having fun while trying to convince him to hit the floor to dance. “you know... that’s not gonna happen. because if it does, i’m gonna humiliate you with my...” he does a snake with his arms “... moves.” he gets funnier and looser, wanting to make you smile at all costs, even if that means he does and says ridiculous things like the worm arms. energy drinks+whiskey combos. he just likes that flavor and it hits the spot pretty fast.

lottie.

there’s only two lottie’s when she gets the alcohol going: depressive/pensive or goddess of dancing. no in between. lottie will forever be a wild card and that’s part of the reason why people invite her in the first place. she’ll be questioning life and her existence when bummed out, or dance and get every chin dropping when she’s being herself. drunk lottie might pull you in a bathroom stall and go to town on you. it’s confidence and “let’s skip this one, i have something to show you.” winks discreetly. plus, she’s always that kind of girl that pulls off the “bobbing/swaying side to side” move, even thought it’s the most boring in the book. she looks good and she knows it. as for talking/confessing, forget it. she’s not one to open up while drunk. lottie is probably the least selective when it comes to choosing alcohol. colorful, sweet, spicy, bitter, you name it.

lucas.

it’s always time for confident lucas to show up, and his drunk persona wouldn’t be different. the thing he loves the most is definitely showing his moves by taking your hand and making the two of you the center of attention. something he can’t hold back is his horniness. that’s something he had in common with lottie and henrik. but instead of a bathroom stall it might be the car you came in, or a nearby hotel. he’s not exactly the type to just at it on any corner, and even drunk, he has some fear of germs. also, he might be extra flashy when dancing, on the brink of looking like that’s his stage and he’s the star. i’m sure people agree, given he’ll probably dance with more than one person at the same time, giving the audience some threesome ideas. that’s the whole point: too look hot while making everyone else wish they were his dancing partners. think of grinding on the floor, grabbing thighs and dipping a girl. or a boy, if you ask me. combos of whiskey and energy drinks.

marisol.

drunk marisol, to me, it’s the funniest. she’ll become extra analytical of the social interactions happening at the bar/club/party. every conversation will get fully analyzed before she can take the next sip. of course there’s lots more to her drunk persona, but that’s how it starts. i believe it takes her four drinks to start dancing, five to make her take her glasses off and throw them somewhere, and six to make her dance on a table. i don’t believe she has much time to drink and have fun, so that makes her much less resistant to alcohol. three drinks are enough to make her stop being marisol and become “marisol, the life of the party”. it can get ugly once she gets more drinks in her, and you can expect dinosaur noises from the other side of the bathroom stall. that’s why she avoids that feared seventh drink and gets lots of water between shots. “espanhola” and colorful cocktails.

noah.

he’s probaly the least active on a night out, but the most surprising if he feels like it. usually he stays put, having his drink in place, watching everyone dancing and goofing around with each other. not participating it’s his default, he would rather watch everyone else’s personas coming out. “come on, book boy! you’re not gonna stay in your seat all night!” “nah, i’m good. for now.” he’ll hold his twerking self in until he has the urge of taking the dancefloor. very talkative while drunk, often discussing things he’d recently discovered and can’t wait another second to share them. of course he might get them wrong, given he can take lots of alcohol but no notice when his speech becomes gibberish. definitely enjoys lemon-y drinks with vodka and other “clear” alcohol types.

priya.

oh my god, don’t shoot the messenger, but priya is the type to do some crazy stuff while drunk and blame the booze on the next day. being fully conscious and aware of her actions but saying “oh my god, i can’t believe i did that, i’m so sorry.” for whatever it is. usually she’s fun and loose when there’s alcohol involved, and by loose i mean wanting to dance her ass off. this might be the time she challenges people to lip sync battles or dances, which to most is funny, but she gets very competitive about them, to the point of betting on things like the bar tab. definitely enjoys the white wine and its variations, and often experiments with flavored vodka, like peach and vanilla.

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asklepiad-apollon · 4 years

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do you think that non greek people should be allowed to follow hellenic polytheism? do you find it hard to take us seriously bc it's your culture? is it cultural appropriation? i don't mean to cause offence by asking i just saw some posts floating around and i'd like to know your opinion..just feeling kind of discouraged and awful about being in this religion but i'm trying my best to be respectful and learn and i just wanted to know what you thought

preface to these asks: I’m so sorry it took me so long to reply! I’ve been away from tumblr for a very long time!

In my personal opinion, and I don’t mean to be rude, I think that people who try to gatekeep the religion are not people that I would want to engage with or allow into my own personal communities. There’s is a difference between modern Greek culture and the surviving Greek Religion; around 98% of all Greeks are Greek Orthodox, and a lot of our traditions do follow Greek Orthodox cultures, even if you aren’t religious yourself. Not all of them, but many of them. I grew up around Greek kids and myself participating in Orthodox activities, Orthodox meals, Orthodox outfits, etc... (shoutout to all the fellow Greek kids who remember sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor of the church LOL)

Additionally, Hellenic polytheism has never been very strictly about bloodlines and passing down religion through the lineage through blood. Unlike other religions that are closed to this day, Greek polytheistic religion was often spread across the lands (see- how they would literally preach and share about it to other areas, such as when they went to Egypt, both parties took inspiration about the Apollo god and started sharing religious traditions, which would later become permanent in both religions. Also see - some shrines had open invitations to all passersbies that were travelling, regardless of social status or immigrant status)

Greeks, both modern and ancient, seem to be quite open about the religion, wanting the world to feel the “glory” of Greece and to have it spread. In my experience, people I’ve spoken to irl are more than happy to see people across the world practice. In fact, when I talked about American worshippers, I can sometimes see the light in people’s eyes because they feel like the Gods are not dead.

However, just a little note: I think it’s good to understand that the Gods in Hellenic Polytheism did come from Greece, and that Greece itself has a beautiful, big culture to learn about. To many of us in Greece who are practicing the religion, the Gods are not just toys to use; they’re a lifestyle to us. Greeks tend to be very reconstructionist in nature, in that they want the religion to be just like how it was back in the Ancient Days, lol. But it’s totally fine to be revivalist and encorporate the Gods in your practice in whatever way you like.

I think the bottom line is just: be respectful! Respect Greek people, and scholars who have studied ancient greek culture, language, and religion. Don’t try and act like you can speak for all the Gods and don’t act like there is one right or wrong way to practice. But the respect should go both ways; they should respect you, too.

and unpopular opinion: people who say only racial greeks can even talk to the gods and that greece is the only pure land are often racist/ethnofascists/etc and fail to regard the complex racial situations in both modern and ancient greece :x

#hellenic polytheism #hellenism #greek polytheism #asklepiad answers

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alexawynters · 3 years

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Venting. Don’t take this too seriously it’s fine I’m fine.

So my recent ex gf of 8 months (I count the time we were fucking around as well as dating bc let’s not lie I caught feels early because I’m pathetic) who broke up with me a little over two months ago is now hooking up with one of my closest friends.

Its cool. I still cry myself to sleep, have nightmares, and wake up crying throughout the night but it’s fine. I spend more time drunk than sober (I had been doing so well! It was two years since I was last an alcoholic) and replaying every red flag, every moment where I thought to myself “you know, I don’t think she really likes me, you don’t treat the people you like this way right?” And then my dumb desperate ass was like “no we’re going to overlook this because surely she would tell me right? Besides I’m asking for too much, I should just be grateful she even expressed any interest at all. Stop being needy. Stop asking for anything other than what she is giving you because you’re lucky she’s even with you, what’s wrong with you?

Like. The first two months we were together? I called my besties every other week crying because I felt like a human sex toy. She didn’t even seem to want to do relationship things. I didn’t understand why she even asked me out, I had told her before we got together if all she wanted to be was fwb that was okay. But she asked me out so I was like okay cool. You want to date me. As in be in a relationship. I’m excited for this. Let’s do relationship things. We didn’t often do relationship things. We did sexual ones instead.

Then after two months suddenly the sex all but stopped. I thought to myself okay cool every relationship hits a plateau, and levels out. This is normal. Little did I know that was the slow death of us. The. I was calling my besties every other week again, still crying, begging to know what I was doing wrong. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t she seem interested but was still with me? What was I doing wrong? What was I not doing enough of, or too much of, or just not doing right? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to interest her beyond the bare bones minimum?

I found myself begging for her to spend time with me. I lived with roommates who were our friends, and it always felt like she wanted to spend more time with them than me. I had to ask her if we could have some “just us” nights which, rarely were ever actually just us unless we went out. There were times she would literally, every five minutes look out the window to see when my roommates were home, and I was like ???? Do you not want to spend time with me? She would go to the kitchen to get something and be gone for twenty minutes to an hour at a time, having gotten distracted and hanging out with them. Which isn’t inherently bad to be clear but it happened so often and I wondered. I never forgot about her when I was leaving the room and got stopped for a conversation. If I knew I was going to be long I would text her to invite her or let her know.

I had even told her if she wants to just hang out with them, she could. I genuinely wouldn’t have minded that. Have fun with your friends, you should. I could hang out in my room and be me (I’m incredibly introverted, autistic, and have anxiety, and the living situation had me ~*stressed*~ out) but she didn’t want to do that.

If we were out on a date, she was almost always texting, or snap chatting somebody else. I always tried to make it a point to focus on us when we were in dates, but it never felt reciprocated. I brought it up and then felt like an asshole for already asking for just us time, and now to please not be on your phone when we’re on a date. She looked so sad, like I had scolded her. I would replay it over and over in my head - I tried to be gentle and polite, not accusing or angry. I checked my words carefully and ran them by multiple people to try to be as non aggressive and non accusatory as I could before I ever spoke them to her. Clearly I didn’t succeed.

She has OCD (nothing against it and I usually found it endearing) and would sometimes go into a loop. I always tried to help her but usually just ended up frustrating her. She snapped at me on occasions including in front of my friends and didn’t often apologize for it. Something my friends brought up after she did it in front of them, and I made excuses for it. She was stressed out, I would be too, stop being so hard on her.

She never planned anything with me, I always had to do it. I brushed it off as her having anxiety and not liking planning, but when she asked me “oh we’re still doing that?” for the trip for my nieces wedding in which I was taking her to meet my (extremely judgey) family, the trip that I had been updating her on weekly about the plans trying to get any input from her on, the trip that I had to pull in favors for and grovel to get the time off to go to? I should have said never mind and cancelled it.

She didn’t even help plan my birthday. My best friends did, and showed me the texts where they were getting frustrated with her lack of input on it because she’s my girlfriend and surely she would want to participate in that? Want to help surprise me? It was my first surprise party ever. I told her thank you and she acted like she had absolutely had a hand in planning. Meanwhile my friends all got together while she and I were gone to vent about how pisses they were at her for her lack of effort.

I have some childhood trauma and I don’t like to be touched sexually. I’ll touch my partner and even enjoy it but I don’t like being touched. It triggers me. But she said no less than three times to different people “yeah I’ve still never gone down on a girl or anything” which made me feel like I wasn’t being a good enough girlfriend. So I got sex therapy. I worked through it as best I could. Not for me. I didn’t want to be touched that way but I wanted my girlfriend to be happy. I wanted to do right by her and give her everything she wanted or needed in a relationship. Right about this time is where the sex stopped. She also stopped flirting or doing things she used to do before we started/right as we started dating that were clear indicators that she liked me. (I am an oblivious idiot)

I started to get worried. Why was I working this hard if she didn’t actually want to touch me? I was happy not being touched, but now I was starting to think something was wrong. I was starting to feel like she didn’t even want me. I started asking for sex as reassurance that she was still interested. Still attracted.

She called me a horn dog.

Not just to me but also later to my best friend. I was so mortified I wanted to jump out of the window and run into traffic. *I* was a horndog? All I wanted was affection and reassurance. She said her love language was physical affection and so was mine but she rarely gave me the cuddles I needed. I would ask her for “pets” - where she would play with my hair or just run her hand up and down my arm. This for me is intimacy. I had no problems doing it for her ever but she would get annoyed when I asked, saying it was hard for her to focus on the tv.

Okay? So? I’m not asking much, I didn’t think. I stopped paying attention to the tv when I was petting her. I made her my whole focus so she would feel loved. I mean unless it was like Harry Potter but I would be mindful to alternate so she wouldn’t be left out.

She only introduced me to one of her friends (who I thought was pretty cool but I worry she hates me so I just don’t talk to her now). At first I thought this was because she was in the closet. To be clear I never had a problem with that. I would never push someone to come out before they were ready and I hate movies and media that have the partner doing that. It’s shitty and dangerous. If she felt safer in the closet more power to her. I actively went to bat for protecting that secret for her. Sometimes our friends would forget and tag her in shit that would out her. I would be in their texts and calling them immediately explaining the situation and asking them to untag or take the post down. I’m not saying that as any sort of bragging. That’s literally the least I could do. I’m saying it to illustrate that I don’t have a problem with her being in the closet. But then she told me her friends knew about us. So I was like okay cool you’ve met all of my friends and are part of the group. I’d like to meet your friends. “Um.. they’re just really busy”. I mean. Yeah so are my friends and I didn’t mean like right now I just meant maybe mention it to them and we can some time schedule a hang out. “They’re just really busy”. Red flag but okay. Gonna just. Overlook this one too. It’s fine.

I spent more nights when she visited waiting for her to fall asleep so I could cry myself to sleep over how worthless I felt. Why was I doing this? Everything hurt but maybe I was just asking too much. Had my expectations too high. I’ve been told that before. Usually by people who have left me, those who stay (and my therapist) insist I’ve been asking for the bare minimum. To this day I still don’t know. If all you get is nothing , surely you are nothing? You don’t deserve to ask for more.

By June I started thinking she’s not happy with me. I’m not the one she wants. I don’t think much of myself. I don’t think I’m worth anything. I wrote her a letter that sat in my desk at work, basically saying that she deserved to be happy. She deserved to be with someone who sparks excitement, joy, and romance in her. Someone she wants to introduce to her friends (that she’s out to). Someone that she wants to spend time with and forgets about anyone else (within reason obviously, not like actually forgetting the world friends and responsibilities). Someone she is actually excited to spend time with and looks forward to. Someone that makes her not want to cancel every other date. She shouldn’t settle, even if it’s for me.

It broke my heart to write that letter. I was going to give it to her after her birthday because I didn’t want to be a sick and break up with her right before/on her birthday. Turns out she beat me to the punch and dumped me after I took her home.

I don’t know why I was surprised. The entire relationship things didn’t feel right. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. People in my life always seem to like the idea of me and then when they get to see the real me suddenly it’s like oops too much I’m out. Or alternatively they just.. they think I’m interesting and then lose interest.

My birth mother rejected me not once but twice. My adoptive mother was thrilled at the idea of me until I got to be about 4 and she realized something wasn’t quite right. My dad doesn’t care enough about me to stop drinking. Almost every single best friend I’ve ever had growing up has left usually because of some stupid shit I’ve done or because they’re embarrassed of me. Cheryl thought I was some monster out to hurt my friends (even when said “hurt” friend who was actually there went to bat for me and confirmed that I was literally just in the wrong place at the wrong time). Holly stopped caring. Brie never cared. Johanna only cared when she could use her affection of me to hurt someone else she was being petty with. Lissa only wanted someone she could bully, and even once she had me it wasn’t enough. Jerika definitely didn’t want me, and even my closest friend of 17 years Amy left for three months in which I genuinely thought she wasn’t coming back because I had the audacity to try to help her out of a panic attack. Jocelyn couldn’t stand me for more than a week at a time and roxii didn’t have the time of day for me after Americorps.

I feel like my whole life has just been a game of measurements that’s found me wanting. I tried. I tried so hard and I know I didn’t succeed I know there were things I could have done differently with my latest ex. Things I could have done better. I’ve never wanted anything to work so much in my life. Never tried so hard and still I wasn’t enough. I’m never enough.

I watched her, the woman that I was in love with, slowly lose interest in me over the course of about 4 months. Do you know what that’s like? What that does to you? The more I tried, the quicker she seemed to fade. I kept thinking if I just try harder, I’m just not doing, saying the right things. I read every book on relationships I could get my hands on (blatantly ignoring the parts that told me I should see the red flags for what they were and step away). I took notes. I watched therapy videos. I put to work every therapy technique I had ever learned. I wasn’t perfect but I was going to give this everything I had. Just once I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I didn’t try. I wanted to be as healthy, loving and supportive of a partner as I could because I loved her and didn’t want to hurt her. I knew that I had a lot of personal growth that I had been working on before I met her and I wanted to really ramp that up while I was with her to be good to her. To be good for her.

I’m not even mad. My friends say I should be. They’re mad on my behalf and I’m the one telling them to be nice, and defending her. Part of me thinks they’re right but mostly, mostly I think I’m just a steaming pile of shit and I deserved this.

I wasn’t enough. I’m tired of not being enough. I’m tired of fighting the universe showing me over, and over, and over, and over, and over again how absolutely worthless, not shit I am.

When she broke up with me I told her I felt like I was losing one of my best friends. She said we’re still friends I’m still going to be in your life and we will still talk. Turns out that’s only if I initiate and usually shortly after she shuts it down. So. I guess not.

I asked her one thing and that was when (not if because obviously when, I mean if you saw her you would understand) she moved on if she could just not bring the new person around for the first few months so I didn’t have to see it immediately I would appreciate it and she was like yeah for sure. I told her I wanted her to be happy and I meant it. I just didn’t realize it was going to be barely over 2 months and with one of my good friends.

To be clear she can date whomever she wants. I just thought there might have been more time between them showing up publicly and honestly? Even if her friend was single, interested in me, and I interested in her, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. Even if the positions were reversed and I actually broke up with her first, I wouldn’t have dated her friend. I would imagine that would hurt and I never want to hurt her. Ever. I just.. I wouldn’t have done it. And then she told my one best friend to not tell my other best friend or me and I’m like?? So you know this is a little shady and you’re still gonna?? Like you literally couldn’t wake a couple more months? Just til after Friendsgiving so I don’t have to come to a group event and plaster on a smile when it makes me want to stab myself in the heart.

Alright. Well. Good for her. And I mean that. I just.. can’t see that right now so I’m not seeing any of them. I heard the song Reminds me of you by Kim petras today “cut off all my friends because they remind me of you” and literally felt punched in the gut. Like yep. Too right. Because what am I supposed to go go hang out with my closest friends, where she and her new partner are, and fake a smile? I’m barely holding it together. There’s literally not a day in which I don’t want to kill myself.

Not because she broke up with me. Because I’m tired of being worthless to everyone I care about. Like why the fuck am I even here? Is this what I was born for? To be trash? To be used by people until they find someone better? Or to be someone’s quirky new friend until they find out my quirks are not an act? Or for people to think Im interesting only to slowly realize that I’m not and want nothing to do with me?

I think about all the things I’ve survived that I shouldn’t have and get frustrated because wHY? Why couldnt I just have died and been done with everything? I said to Nathan the other day that at some point I have to realize that the common denominator here is me. Clearly I am the problem. Clearly I am worthless and it’s time to fucking accept that. His reply was that it’s easy to think that you’re the common denominator when it’s your life but that’s just because you’re stuck in it. Idk man. I don’t think I have just extraordinarily shitty luck. I think it’s just me.

I am worthless. Not shit. To anyone. There are some who have stayed but it’s literally just a matter of time until they leave. It’s inevitable, and I’m tired of trying to pretend it’s not. I’m tired of trying to pretend I’m worth something to anyone. I’m tired of begging people to care about me, family, friends, partners. I’m just tired. So tired. Im tired of being tired.

Fuck my life insurance policy. The majority of the people on it don’t care about me anyway, so fuck it if it doesn’t pay out. It wouldn’t be my problem. Sitting here trying to think of ways that wouldn’t traumatize my roommates, would be guaranteed, relatively pain free, and wouldn’t put anyone else at risk. And then I remember I’m a coward and if I fuck it up then there goes what little I have made of my career, I’d lose my job (not that I’m thriving anyway), I’d probably be permanently damaged in ways that would then make me a burden to my parents.

Maybe I can’t kill myself, but somebody else sure could. I could find somebody abusive and just throw myself into that until one day they take it too far. That’s about what I deserve. And then my policy would pay out and the people I live most would be taken care of, regardless of how their treatment of me makes me feel. Maybe I could do some good in this world. The only good I’ll have ever done but it has to count for something right? Who am I kidding nothing I do counts for anything but I’m crazy and keep doing the same things expecting different results.

It’s funny. The one person who wants to leave me the most, can’t. I wish I could though.

Don’t take this too seriously I’m venting. it’s fine, I’m fine.

#God I wish that I could do that #Good for you #TW depression #I’m fine #tw suicidal ideation

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razorblade180 · 3 years

Text

Twin Snowflakes 26: Preparation

[part 1 of 2]

TSF pt25 here! <-

“THANK YOU, PEOPLE OF MANTLE!” Summer yelled, shredding each note of her personal favorite songs. One after another she played to her heart's fill. Each song was more aggressive and brimming with vigor than the last. Summer would’ve played till dawn if she had her way but neither her body or promise to her brother would allow that. It wasn’t time to leave yet but she needed a break.

Summer begrudgingly got herself to get off the stage to let others perform. Their music wasn’t terrible by any means but the other musicians could easily stand to have more practice. A rave audience isn’t hard to please however, so the crowd ate up the talent all the same. A little insulting to her own performance but eh, this wasn’t an actual contest. Summer was happy enough blowing off steam and listening to the beats from behind the stage. Not even she could deny the beats and tempo. Her hips couldn’t help but sway!

From the corner of her eye she could make out a familiar figure keeping an eye on her. “Did Nick tell you to keep an eye on me, Eliza?”

“Not really.” She walked over and poured herself a cup of water. “I was training in the area.”

“Are you saying he had nothing to do with you being here?”

“Oh no, that would be a lie. You know Nick, always negotiating. He really knows how to persuade a person. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could sell a heater to someone living in Vacou. Anyways, he didn’t ask me to stalk you or anything like that. He knew where I’d be and told me if I could swing by for a spell. No harm in that.”

Summer smiled. “Funny. That sounded like you were defending him. Don’t want me getting upset with my own brother?”

“Shut up. It would be a pain if I caused unnecessary controversy in a household. Need I remind you that you both have duties to the school that require your full attention? Frankly I’m glad I arrived. I don’t go to your concerts so my opinion of your performance skills was limited.” Eliza sipped her water, giving Summer’s attire and overall attitude a once over. “Where’s all this when you're getting harassed in the halls?”

“That’s...school is different.”

“Pfft, yeah okay.”

“It is!” Summer said, defensively crossing her arms.

Eliza watched the girl's face soften into the meek and reserved Summer she was used to. To think that’s all it took to shut her down. “I swear you and your brother don’t have a consistent bone in your body. Whatever the case, I don’t really care much as long as you bring your best effort to rehearsal and the live performance.”

Summer squinted. “Not the actual tournament?”

“Hey I don’t participate in the duos. You can bomb that for all I care. But you know, Nick is counting on you to pull your weight. Also it would be pretty annoying if you lost to Max and his asshole know-it-all, Darren. Gods know he’d talk about it until graduation.”

“Was the fight that happened in the school bad?”

Eliza shrugged, “Can’t say. Wasn’t there. He’s always been a thorn to me though so I don’t doubt he made things ugly. He was very rude to Veronica in the principal’s office as well. An act I find inexcusable.”

Summer couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Look I know you admire her and all that jazz, but I’d bet she didn’t help the situation.”

“My views on her have nothing to do with it!” Eliza huffed. “I would think you off people would be sympathetic to a person like her.”

Summer leaned against a wall. “Call me jaded, but Veronica has a habit of bringing out the worst in people.”

Eliza frowned. “You know her better than I. Tell me, is she the type to lie about being harassed?”

Summer didn’t have to think long, especially after learning more about her in the forest. Then there was Veronica’s sketch journal. Summer still couldn’t make sense of all the scratched out pages. On top of that, Blake’s request made Summer even more uncertain. “No. Veronica’s a piece of work, but she isn’t a liar. She might actually be too honest if you asked me. I’ve never had to deal with Darren personally but Nick’s not a fan by any means.” Summer bit her bottom lip. She couldn’t believe it, did she just defend Veronica’s qualities!? It was only fair. Veronica did almost end up a frozen husk.

“Well it’s good to know we can all agree on at least one thing without fail. So not to rush you but how long are you planning on staying in a place like this?” Eliza asked, watching all the party animals.

“Haha, not your type of crowd?”

“The crowd is fine. I can handle a little noise and rowdiness, but it is technically a school night. I- ah! Summer!?” The girl had taken Eliza by the hand and started pulling her to the dance floor.

“If you keep bringing up assignments 24/7 then all you’re gonna look like is a stick in the mud. Live a little. School sucks!”

“School is important!” Eliza protested.

Summer grabbed Eliza’s other hand and started making them sway side to side, back and forth. The blood rushing to Eliza’s cheeks made Summer giggle. “Awww you know you dig it. I’ll make a deal. Cut loose with me for a few songs and I’ll gladly let you dance me right out the front door. Show me that colorguard rhythm!”

Eliza watched the petite girl actively laugh without reservation. Summer jokingly shimmied towards her and swayed her hips, getting lost in the music. Just how much did this girl go out to rave? She looked like she belonged here! The beat got more intense by the moment with no sign of stopping. With her pride in check, Eliza began to sway steadily, getting into the music.

Summer’s eyes lit up. “Aye!”

“Two songs and then we’re out of here.”

“Works for me! Show me what ya got!” Summer turned up the heat by dragging Eliza deeper into the chaos. She might not be as persuasive as Nick, but Eliza quickly found out Summer was definitely more pushy. Forget the tournament. Eliza was beginning to think they’ll beat her at everything!

xxxxx

“This is crazy. How did I not know about this!?” Nick said, walking down the rainy sidewalk.

Veronica smirked as she held Nick’s hand, allowing rain to pass right through them. “Why would you? I barely have any reason to use my semblance; let alone in the more complex ways.”

“You don’t use it when making clothes?”

“Haha, I’m not entirely sure how it would help. Unless I wanna get out of my clothes and into something new in an instant. Not a real trick to show others. Unless…” she blushed at her lewd teasing, refusing to finish the punchline. “Never mind.”

“Okay?” He had a feeling he knew where that was going but chose not to pull that grenade pin. “Speaking of clothes, that brings up a question. Why aren’t our clothes falling off now?”

“Control. Anything I touch can phase like me. My clothes are touching me, so are you. I can keep it strictly to myself though with control and timing. I can also start it and end it on any spot on my body; which is why we aren’t falling through the street.”

“That sounds hard.”

“Little bit. Really flexing my semblance like a muscle right now. Still, I’ve done harder, like not breaking surface tension.”

Nick did a double take. Did he hear that right? “Surface tension? Like...for water?”

Veronica nodded. “Yeah that’s the one. Well I’m not actually walking on water. It’s more of me beginning to fall through the water with my semblance, and shutting it off quick enough to push me back up just above the surface. Took a lot of practice but I got it most of the time. Waves suck.”

“Don’t you burn through your aura quickly?”

“Well it’s like flicking a switch on and off. Also I’m quick about it; not to mention not fighting anything in the water. I’m bound to fuck up them.”

“Still sounds like an extremely large amount of work and multitasking. You got real talent. I’d get a headache.”

“Says the king of multitasking.” Veronica chuckled, “It’s less thinking and more of reaction; knowing how to feel the shifts to the things connecting you.”

Her explanation was interesting. Veronica had an understanding of her semblance to a complex level though she didn’t fight. And here was Nick, struggling with a candle exercise for a semblance that didn’t interact with physics or molecules. “A reaction huh? Maybe I should try that more often? It might help with-”

“Valerie.”

“What? No my-” His hand was squeezed a little before being brought up to point towards the Schnee gate. Nick’s eyes went wide. Valerie stood by it with her mother’s car, staring just as surprised. “Oh…” Nick said.

The three stood quietly, not prepared in the slightest. Valerie was the most shocked. She was prepared for an awkward conversation with Nick by the door. Not catching him outside in a suit; next to Veronica. Nora, who was in the car, wanted to take initiative but found her lips tucking themselves in.

“Oh boy. Maybe convincing Val to see him was a bad move on my part.” She thought. Ren was gonna have a field day whenever Nora got back home.

Done with the shock, Veronica finally spoke. “Umm I can give you two a minute, if you need it?” All the events that happened tonight made her feel very pleased. Veronica did not want to taint those moments and knew it would be for the best to remove herself from this before she said anything...emotional. She turned to Nick and smiled awkwardly. “I’ll see you inside?”

Nick could only blink while he thought about it. Veronica was a bit quicker to the draw though. “No, no, it’s...clearly you two are in the middle of something. I was just leaving anyways” Val said, a hint of irritation and even a bit of sarcasm crept into her voice. It might not have been that big of a deal but for some reason it made Nick tense up.

“This is only happening because of you.” He said instinctively, catching everyone off guard. “I don’t see how you can be upset about a thing you caused. I did invite you originally.”

“Don’t see how that has to do with anything.” Valerie lied, clearly offended. “You can do what you want.I only came here to-”

“It’s always your terms.” He interjected, grumbling a bit. “You tell me you want space and we’ll see each other at the tournament, but then show when you feel like talking. If I did that you’d be pissed.”

“Hey! I came here to try and smooth things over.”

“Yeah well maybe I don’t want things smoothed over right now? I...I have nothing to say to you right now. We’ll talk at the tournament.”

Valerie let out a subtle gasp. Her brows furrowed and she bit down on her lip harder than she meant to. “Forget it. If you wanna be made then be made. Tournament it is.” Valerie didn’t waste another breath, getting back into the car so it can drive off.”

Veronica was in disbelief. Did that really just happen? In now way did she think the conversation was going to be good, but she at least thought there was going to be one. She might’ve thought this best if it wasn’t for Nick visibly sulking next to her as he started walking her up to the manor. The solemn look on his face did nothing but make her feel bad. Not to mention a little guilty.

“Hey...I know this is a dumb question but are you okay? If I influenced that in any way during dinner, that wasn’t really...what I mean is...”

“I know, and don’t worry. That wasn’t me being caught up in my emotions. I just really want to think about all of this for at least a couple days. Besides, I made a deal with Eliza. I might not keep it if Valerie tries patching things up.”

“You’re plotting on her? That’s...wow. Now I know for sure that you’re pissed.”

Nick rubber the back of neck. “For once I think I’ll get greedy, act the way I want. Does that make sense?”

“Make sense? It’s my language. Fair warning, your best quality is that heart of yours.” She poked his chest. “Keep it safe, or I’ll be the one getting greedy by knocking the optimism back into ya.”

“Oh is that right? Haha, maybe try praying to me first, then I really know you must mean business!” He teases.

Veronica gave a playful shove. “Like I’d know how to start one? I think I’ll stick with the tough love approach.”

“Tough love huh?” Nick opened the front door. His eyes never left the girl as she walked in, seemingly content. Veronica eventually looked back at him and gave a head tilt.

She blinked, “What?”

“Nothing.” He chuckled. Nick was starting to think that just maybe, he understood Veronica’s choices and beliefs a little more than he used to. If he learned anything from tonight it was just how differently they saw the world around them. “Well I guess this is the end of our date. Didn’t go as planned but I’ll admit it, I really liked spending alone time with you.” He said, rubbing the back of his head.

Veronica couldn’t stop herself from letting out an anxious chuckle.“Hehehe, what’s with the sweet talk all of a sudden? Trying to butter me up?”

“No, just being honest with myself. A date should end as well as possible.” Nick stepped towards Veronica and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Eager to not let this moment linger, Nick swiftly left for Summer’s room to see if she was back. Without thinking about it tonight, Nick had left two girls red and speechless. One of them standing in the main hall with a smile growing wide; while the other watched the rain fall during a quiet ride home, frustrated and jaw clenched.

Nora took care to drive slowly. Getting home quickly would only mean Valerie would march to her room. Nora let out a sigh. “Whether it’s me or your father, one of us is gonna make you talk about this. So-”

“What’s there to talk about? I’m upset and he’s upset, because we want different things. So we’re taking a break. Simple as that.” Valerie leaned against the cold glass.

“And what is it exactly that you want?” Nora asked. She was given no answer. Not that she was expecting one. “I love you, but if you don’t know the answer yourself then how can you expect Nick to not upset you? Life is like any sport you play. Gotta know the rules if you wanna do well. Only way to figure that out is knowing yourself.”

“I know myself pretty well.” Valerie huffed.

“Really?” Nora dragged out. “So tell me, do you like Nick, romantically?”

“No.” She said instinctively.

If Val could see Nora’s face then she would’ve been upset that she was rolling her eyes, not believing her daughter. “Okay, but just so you know, taking a break is not what most friends say about another.”

Valerie’s eyes widened. She turned to her mother to see her focused on the road like she hadn’t said a word. Val went back to looking at the window. “Good to know.” Valerie controlled the urge to huff. Talking to Ren might’ve been less painful.

xxxx

Nick walked into Summer’s room to find it sisterless and a little cold. “Guess she’s not home yet.” He closed the door behind him as he went further in. Nick made sure to keep the light off but turned on the heater. A cold room was the last thing this night needed. His chill hadn’t kicked in all this time so Nick had no real reason to worry about Shiva, yet his nerves would feel better actually seeing Summer come home safely. Pulling up a chair to sit in may have been a bit much but he did it anyway. Overbearing or not, Shiva would never be a subject he’d take lightly. Not like he had in the past when he was younger, naive of the danger that thing had. He could his body ache at the thought of it. Pain fades and the body heals, but it also remembers. Not like he needed a reminder. Not when the memories rear their ugliness often in his dreams.

A scroll rang loudly, bringing Nick out of the dark thoughts. He reached in his pocket to see it was in fact Summer who was calling.He wasted no time answering. “Where are you? I thought you’d be back by now?”

“That didn’t sound like hello.” Summer grumbled. “Relax, I'm close by. I actually called to ask for a favor. You’re home right?”

“Yes?”

“Cool. Can you open my window?

Nick walked over to her window and opened it. In the distance he could spot his sister and Eliza outside the gate from the right side. “Done. What-”

“How’d you do that so fast? Were you already in my room!? You aren’t snooping are you!?” She yelled.

“Quiet before you get caught. No, I wasn’t snooping. Pretty sure whatever secrets this room holds is one that would scar me. Though I’m curious about your journal, wherever you hid this time. Perhap under your nightstand?”

“Do you really want to rummage around a young woman's nightstand?” Summer could hear her brother let out an overtop gagging noise. “Grow up.”

“Say it to my face. You better hurry before I decide to close this and watch you hit the glass like a pigeon.”

“Fine, ya baby.” Summer hung up. “Thanks for walking me home, as well as helping me stay dry.” She looked up to see the small dome of water floating over her from Eliza’s magic.

“Exactly what was the plan if I had said no or not shown up at all?”

“Glyphs aren’t just for platforming and dust ya know? Not that it matters. I knew I’d see you tonight.”

Eliza scoffed, “Tah! That confident in your predictions about your brother?”

“Well yes, but that’s not it. It’s not a secret you practice at the pier. It’s also terrible luck on your part you almost shot a captain with a bolt of lightning. One time.”

“W-What!? B-but how would-”

“Is it a Marigold thing to be attracted to my family like a magnet? That captain is my cousin. He says your aim could use work. Bye!” Summer made glyphs to trampoline over the gate and platform through the air and through her window.”

Eliza couldn’t believe it. Why was this her life!? It had to be a joke. Atlas or Mantle, you’re bound to be in Schnee territory. It would’ve been fine if she wasn’t practicing moves to fight one! Now she needed a new training spot. Who knows what they might now. “Damnit, now Nick’s offer is even more to my best interest!”

“Sup bro. How was your date?” The rock n’ roll twin kicked off her shoes and took the black wig off before falling backwards onto her bed.

“Well Valerie was at the front awhile ago.”

Summer sat up. “Okay, that’s not what I expected. Did I miss a fight? No wait, I’m pretty sure I’d hear Veronica scream bloody murder because there’s no way her dress would stay flaw-” her rambling was cut short when Nick suddenly sat beside her and fell on her lap. “Woah. Hey, are you still sick!?”

“No, just tired. The past week has been a little...draining. To be honest I don’t think I even have the energy to shower right now.”

“Well you probably smell better than me right now so I’m not complaining.”

“How was the rave?”

“Fun. Got Eliza to dance a little. The crowd worshipped my performance.” She chuckled.

“What did you sing?”

“Nothing special. A few Linkin Park songs; an experimental original. Oscar thought it would be a good idea to take a few of my journal entries and vent it out through music.”

“Hmm, anything you’ll share to your actual fan base, or me?”

Summer looked at her ceiling to let out a composed sigh. “I don’t think I’m quite ready, or the song for that matter. It and myself are...a work in progress. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just know your fans think you can’t do wrong and there’s no world where I won’t support you. Family and all that.”

“Love you too.” Summer patted his head. “Sorry if I’ve been causing you trouble. Well, more than usual. Tomorrow is a new day.”

“That’s the spirit. Push yourself but not too hard. That’s my territory. Speaking of which, I’ve been racking my brain with ideas. You can talk to Shiva in that headspace whenever you like right?” He felt her hand stop. Nick looked up to see Summer look apprehensive.

“I can...but it’s not a thing I look to do. Plus tonight has been good. I really don’t want that to-”

“Summer, do you trust me?”

Nick’s words were calm and real. Summer didn’t know what he had in mind. It wasn’t like Nick to invite danger. Her eyes looked to the floor to the orange glow of her heater. Like usual it appeared that her brother had already taken strides for her and everyone’s sake. Just how far would he go, ever making herself feel like she’s at a stand still? Maybe tomorrow could start today. Just a little bit.

“What’s this idea of yours?” She said cautiously.

“Nothing too crazy. You’re just gonna take a page out of Veronica’s playbook.”

xxxxx

You would think a person would know what goes on in their head. Unfortunately, that’s hardly ever the case. Summer never got a full understanding of what went on upstairs in her mind. Then again that would only make sense. She was in therapy after all. Though no amount of emotional talking could explain why her headspace imagery was inconsistent at times. A void of nothingness, her own room, those were the usual shapes that took place. However, this time she found herself back at the frozen lake. Going back and triggering an episode must’ve left a lasting impression. At least her trauma brought variety. The only separation from the real place was the ice ceiling and a distinct lack of cold nipping at her skin. Her psyche though, it was definitely feeling something.

She began walking through the white hell of her own making until she found her target, Shiva. The being was skating across the lake like how Summer once did. “Shiva.” Summer called out.

The woman of ice and snow looked over, surprised. She stopped right in the middle of the lake. “Well, well, well, come to properly thank me? You’d be in a grimm’s stomach by now if it wasn’t for me. You and that idiot girl. Tell me, is she in pain from our encounter?”

“I’m not here to thank you or chitchat.” Summer bluntly stated. “This is an in and out thing.”

“I’ll take that as a no then? Pity. I wouldn’t mind seeing her cry and despair. I bet her tears are uglier than yours. Though I'll say that this look you have going on isn’t gross. Honestly it helps to see you better in this place. You’re always so pale when you’re talking to me. Afraid I might hurt you?” A smirk spread across her face. “Oh I do hate you so.”

“Feeling is mutual. I came here to tell you that from this point on things are gonna change.”

“Pfft, heard that before. You’re all talk.”

“Am I?” Summer reached her hand out. Right before her eyes, the shape of a shovel formed. Hiding her surprise, she focused on Shiva’s own shock. “My mind, my rules. If I can subconsciously make this hell then I can shape it to an extent. Summer tossed the shovel at Shiva for her to catch. “Keep that safe for me.” Summer’s body began to slowly fade from this space.

“And what exactly is this for?”

“Your grave. Feel free to dig it yourself.” Her final words before disappearing completely while witnessing a smug smirk vanish before her eyes. Right as she faded, Summer could hear one last remark.

“We’ll see who buries who.”

Summer opened her eyes to find herself back in her room. Good, she hadn’t moved an inch. “Well I’ve thoroughly pissed her off, but it actually felt good to be the one harassing her. Thank Ni- huh?” Summer failed to realize she’s been talking to herself. Nick was fast asleep already! “Unbelievable. What if I would’ve messed up?”

“Zzzzzz.”

“Quite the convincing answer.” Summer returned to rubbing his head. He felt a little warm but nothing serious. Taking breaks needed to be at the top of his list from now on. Only way that would happen is if things weren’t hectic. It was time to step up. “I’ll do right by you. I promise. Just...give me a little more time.”

Her eyes became heavy. It appears the day’s events weighed on her more than she realized. Both twins fell into slumber there for the entire night, finally getting some rest.

#rwby #rwby twin snowflakes #summer schnee #val valkyrie #nora valkyrie #eliza marigold #veronica belladonna #nicholas schnee

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besybil · 4 years

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A LESSON ON SERVITORS

chaoscommentary

Introduction

In the Chaos Magick ladder which I briefly described in a previous article we have Servitors as the next evolution of our high magick.

Just to remind you we go from:

Sigils -> Servitors -> Egregores -> God forms.

Servitors are much more difficult to put into application than sigils. They require more time and energy as well.

The good news (for some) is that Servitors can still be created in private.

Egregores and Godforms are almost impossible to create without some sort of extra participation or fellowship with other people (however I have some clever methods to use which will be described when I get to those subjects.) Regardless, before I jump into how to create a servitor, I need to clearly define WHAT a servitor IS.

What is a Servitor?

As servitor is a thought form of your own creation. One of the most popular occurrences (back in the day) was the creation of imaginary friends by children.

The power and purpose of your servitor will be entirely dependent on you and your desire to develop it. For young children, to have a non judgmental companion to walk beside them as they learn to socially cope with other people is a common mission for some servitors. Another way to think of Servitors is as “Familiars.”

Now this comes with a bit of a warning, without proper attention your servitor may gain independence and a life of its own (Thus evolving into an Egregore.) I am all about responsibility and making your magick do exactly what it was intended to do, so I will give you some tips on how to keep a leash on your familiar.

Why would I want a Servitor?

Like I said in a previous article, sigils are typically where the buck stops for most Chaotes. They are powerful, work as intended and are very accurate. You could technically stop right there and have everything you will ever need for working with magick. However, magick is more of a walk for some and an exploration of endless possibilities for others. Servitor creation is the next step into some deep waters and a step out into the wild frontier of Magick. This is where the pedal hits the metal; this is where the wild adventure begins. For many adult occultists, this is also a return to childhood which can be a very scary place for some.

That being said; familiars and their purpose are left to your imagination. A companion (friend), a bodyguard, and yes even lovers are all applications for Servitor work. However let me come with a warning, the more you feed a servitor the stronger and more independent it can become. As such I advise highly against creating servitors for sexual gratification. You may end up giving birth to a hag or a succubus (a result of uncontrolled mutation), which in the end will make your life miserable. It would be better to create a wing(wo)man to help bolster your confidence to gain a physical mate. My point ultimately is, just like sigils, there is no limit on what a servitor can do, look like or become. The only limit is your imagination. If a sigils is a magickal computer program, Servitors are magickal robots, just shy of becoming Magickal AI.

Servitors are astral constructs. Servitors can cause physical change.

Practical use for servitors include:

An assistant in solo magickal work.

A protector for your house.

An assistant for keeping your workspace clean.

To name just a few.

Okay I get it! How do I MAKE one?

First rule: Temper your enthusiasm with caution. Respect the ritual you are about to perform.

Second Rule: We do not create accidents; make sure you truly want to create a servitor. These are not toys, they are very real beings created from your energies, they are in short, your children. Be a responsible parent.

Third Rule: Always, always, always, set up rules and restrictions to keep your servitors exactly that. Without rules, a servitor has the potential to become an Egregore and no longer under your control.

Optional but highly recommended: When I create servitors I get into the habit of breaking down ones I no longer use and incorporate them into the newer, upgraded models. I had a bad experience with leaving “junk servitors” unattended only to have them haunting my dreams and bumping into me in the middle of the night. If you are down with a servitor, release the energy and let it be free. This act prevents the buildup of malice and negative energies from neglected thought forms. Keep your workspace clean, in the astral and in the physical.

Now that we have that established let me begin.

As always with Chaos Magick, there is no right or wrong way to do this. What I offer you is what has worked for me. Tweak it for your purposes. (For me) It always helps to have a template to start with, but YOUR magickal walk is exactly that, yours not mine; you are the final Judge on what you are willing and able to commit to such a practice.

Step 1: State the purpose of your Servitor

Create a sigil or series of sigils which will define the purpose of your servitor. “Protect my home,” “Keep my house clean,” so on and so forth. Make as many sigils as you need. This is the easy part, feel free to find my article on sigil making in this blog.

Step 2: Create a body for your Servitor

You have two options here.

Option A:

You can bind them to a fetish like is a doll, figurine or even a drawing of your own design. I am a naturally arts and crafts kind of person so this is my preferred method.

Option B:

However if for whatever reason I don’t not have the time or money to create a physical representation of my servitor, I use meditation and create the servitor in my mind and in astral space.

Regardless, the process requires the same amount of energy, effort and IMAGINATION. You must visualize the servitor. How tall is it? Does it have limbs? Can it speak? It can take hours to create a body for your servitor, but you need to define as many of its functions and characteristics as possible. Its body needs to be a vivid as possible. Some of my servitors have looked like Lovecraftian horrors, while one of my longtime companions is a very cute four foot tall blonde elf girl who speaks in wind chimes.

Step 3: Bind your sigils in the body of the servitor, and put in its safety protocols.

Binding your sigils can be as simple as drawing them inside your picture, carving them into your doll, or imagining the sigils being put in place of where its “heart” or “battery” may be. The point is to make sure your sigils are part of your servitor. Once this occurs, and you are convinced the two have become one, a safety should be put into place. As I said before, without a leash or restrain, your servitor has cart-blanche to run amok and out of your control. You have again, to options here: A command word or a counter sigil. The command word can be: “Stop!” “Sit!” “Go away!” It is best to keep it simple; although I know a few people who used poetry for particularly devious machines to make sure not everyone can shut them down. That is the key to command words however, anyone can use them. A servitor must be compelled once a person speaks a word or command phrase to abide by its programming.

Safety Method A: Command Words

Creating a command word is as simple as touching your servitor (if you used a fetish, this is easier) and speaking plainly to them “When I say <x> you will do <y>” (X and Y are your phrase and its action.) Repeat this as many times as you need to remember or until you feel you servitor is ready to comply. You can put as many command words on your servitor as you want, just be careful not to use the same word to do multiple things, or that they words are counterproductive to its mission. You could confuse the crap out of it.

Safety Method B: Counter Sigils

The second method, counter sigils, are kind of a fire and forget method. It lets a servitor know where it is or isn’t allowed to be. This requires you to name your servitor and upon naming it, creating a sigil of its name. You must decide if this sigil is a ward or a summoning upon its creation. You do not need to commit much thought to this nor does it change the method of how the sigil is created, the intent is good enough. “This sigil means you are welcome to work in this place,” or “This sigil prevents you from going into this place,” Is good enough of a declaration for this method to work. I have seen people bind servitors in boxes with this method and let them out when needed, while others have put the symbols on doors and the like to let servitors know where they should go.

Step 4: BRING YOUR CREATION TO LIFE!!!!!

The ritual can be as elaborate or mundane as you want. However I will tell you, the more elaborate the more powerful your servitor will be in the long run. I have used a simple hand flick gesture (like turning on a light) to activate some, they only lasted a few days before the broke down. My longtime companion servitor had entire weeks of music and food dedicated to her and if she didn’t have any safety protocols in place, probably would have become an Egregore by now. Still, perform a ritual that lets the servitor know it is born. Throw it a birthday party, show it around the house, get silly, get childish. There is no right or wrong way to invite this new entity into your home, just know, the more gnosis you feed it, the better.

Step 4:

Regular maintenance of your servitor is a must. Your servitor must be in your mind from time to time. If you forget about it, it loses energy and dies. While, just thinking about it is okay, offerings or rewards are much more potent. For my lesser servitors I give them a drop of life force when they have done well. For my companion, I have treated her to donuts and milk. The key is to understand the relationship between you and your servitor. Unless you set them free, they cannot live without you. If you forget them, they will die. Woe to the chaote who creates a servitor with no restrictions and then neglects them, you may create a vengeful spirit to infest your house. So reward you servitor when they have done their duties and let them know you still care about them.

Dismantling your Servitors:

I include this part because all good occultists know the value of banishment. Some servitors outlive their usefulness and thus need to be released back into the cosmos. This is not a cruel thing to do, as a matter of fact; actively releasing your unused servitors is very humane. It is cruel to leave a bound servitor unattended to die an agonizing death of forgetfulness and neglect.

Dismantling is simple. Take the abject or thought of you servitor and tell it “You are free” or “I set you free” Imagine all of the bindings and words leaving and falling apart into harmless light. If you have a fetish, set it ablaze or destroy it in some gentle way. Make sure that the object can no longer physically house the servitor. IT is a very good practice to tell it, that it has performed well and it is time for it to move on. If the servitor doesn’t seem to want to leave then you may have to perform this a few time. My companion didn’t want to leave me when I tried to banish her the first three times, she was so fiercely loyal that I gave her a second birthday and still keep her to this day.

That is servitor making in a nutshell.

I am sure many of you have questions or will want me to elaborate. So feel free to ask questions if you need help. This is a basic outline, I am vague for a reason to encourage you to go out there and find what works for you. Just be safe and Chaos Magick responsibly.

#servitors #chaos #34

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land-of-classpects-and-analysis · 4 years

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Mage of Blood

Ever stopped to think about all of the friends, old and new, you have managed to collect over the years? All of the ones that seemed so bright and promising before the crackling heat of it all eventually turned into silent embers, leaving you cold and alone? What about the ones you had no plans for creating, but, as though from pure luck and surprise, still somehow managed to come to life? Have you ever thought about all the tears shed over one person, or the sound of uproarious laughter - loud enough to challenge that of thunder or waves crashing against the Earth? All the heated arguments, existential discussions in the early morning, everyone slowly letting themselves become vulnerable to one another. All of these memories and moments being built and etched into the folds of your mind. For what? A painful, mournful, or sad reminder of a time you can never go back to? After all, sometimes things don’t work out. People change, like that of the current within the ocean, and before you know it the ocean that is your social life is churning, and churning, and churning, rarely allowing you the chance to even breathe between all the heartache. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what happens when the sea seems to be trying its best to hold you in its undercurrent, never to see the light of day again? Have you ever stopped to think about all of the friends, old and new, that you’ve lost over the years?

Socializing is a difficult and sometimes scary thing for quite a lot of people. There are countless layers to the issues some people may have with it, whether it be internal, or rather personal issues, or external ones. At times it can even feel as though one is walking across a minefield, with each step having to be more calculated than the last. For some people, by the time they realize the mistake(s) they have made, it is too late for them to turn around and find another way. That is most often why they stick to being outside of these fields and doing things on their own. With the amount of time they spend stressing over what they said, what they could have said, and what they should have said, the Mage of Blood is one who struggles greatly when it comes to understanding their Aspect and its properties.

While Mages have to struggle and suffer, as well as willfully chase after it, in order to understand their Aspect, the Mage of Blood is one who must seek out these answers and this knowledge through some rather shifty means. These morally-gray decisions are especially reflected in Mages who choose to hunt for this knowledge through Blood rather than simply trying to gain knowledge of it. After all, those who choose to go about acquiring and using their powers through their Aspect should very well know it means experiencing their Aspect at its best and at its worst, as well as participating in activities surrounding it. Considering that the Blood Aspect is connected to that of bonds and relationships, it can be a little more clear how the Mage of Blood, specifically those who wish to seek out knowledge through Blood, can so easily end up being seen as an immoral person. However, that is for a later-on discussion. For now, let’s take a look at how the Mage of Blood could become so easily entangled in a web of lies, broken hearts, and an overall mess of a social life.

The Mage of Blood’s journey would initially begin with them having an inkling of an idea of how to go about making friends, socializing with others, and so on. Their tactics and practices may not charm everyone into joining their social circle, but since Mages are naturals at attracting people who reflect their various extreme moods, the Mage of Blood just may acquire one or more friends early on in their life. While this may seem like a wonderful thing for the Mage of Blood, and a sign that they most definitely have the friend-making skills down-packed, unfortunate enough for them, their true journey has yet to begin. Although they are in the company of other people - company they may see as good - anyone with a clearer and more mature mind may see the trouble the Mage of Blood has truly caught themself in. The Mage of Blood, lacking a true sense of knowledge in what friendship really is, would most likely accidentally invite wounded and suffering souls into their life and call them friends. Considering these would be the Mage’s first taste of companionship and friendship, chances are that things would not last forever. This is not to say that all of these friendships will end quickly or all at once, but that the Mage of Blood would eventually have to watch as all of these bonds wilt away.

If there were to be one defining trait for the Mage of Blood, it would be that they are a deeply empathetic person. So much so that some people who know them might even describe them as a bleeding heart. Even when the Mage of Blood finds themself in a horrific relationship, the fear of being alone is often big enough to keep them within those shackles and chains that connect them with this person, or perhaps even people. They are someone who fears being alone while also having the fears of not only letting people down, but also letting other people be alone. The Mage of Blood is someone who knows the fears, struggles, and bitter cold that comes from loneliness, and it is something they most often wish not to inflict upon others - even if it means making themself into a pyre for the other person to use to keep warm. Do not take this as the Mage of Blood being cursed to forever be in horrific relationships, platonic or otherwise, though. They will most definitely acquire some friends who do truly love and support them, and while the Mage of Blood will treasure and love them with all of their heart, there is no promise that they won’t give the exact same love to people not nearly as kindhearted and loving.

While this may sound like a build up to the beginning of the Mage of Blood’s journey, that is only partially correct. The Mage of Blood is one who can choose to actively seek out knowledge of Blood, or actively seek out knowledge through Blood, as already stated. However, the beginning of the Mage’s journey often begins with a horrific bang, oftentimes as a means to show the Mage how truly ravenous their Aspect and journey can be. Therefore, depending on the Mage of Blood, their journey could have very well started after their first friendship or few ended, especially when keeping in mind that the Mage of Blood would surround themself with souls who do not offer good company. If that is the case, then there are some Mages of Blood who have been on their journeys as early as childhood. These Mages of Blood are the majority of those who choose to actively seek out knowledge through Blood - willfully throwing themself into the hardships that come with friendships and failures. For the Mages of Blood who may have kept to themselves in their younger years, they are the majority who choose to actively seek out knowledge of Blood - tired of being alone on the sidelines and deciding to instead try and figure out how they can finally incorporate themself into the social scene.

For the Mages who decide to finally come out of their shells and seek out knowledge of Blood - of love, companionship, and the power that comes with it - they arguably may have the easier journey. That is not to say they do not suffer at all, though, but rather their suffering takes on a more interesting form. The Mage of Blood would most likely take on the act of People-Watching, wherein they observe those around them and all of their various dynamics together. However, this research cannot simply be done during something such as school, sitting on a bench in a park, or even at work. For some people, it could be enough, but the Mage is one who is not satisfied with the knowledge they have until they have experienced every last possible scenario and sense of their Aspect. As such, the Mage of Blood would purposefully seek out places filled to the brim with all types of relationships, but would also be led here by their Aspect leaving a plentiful amount of bread crumbs. The Mage is meant to travel to many, many places during their journey, after all, but it is never promised that these places will be safe. If anything, it would become rather odd to the Mage of Blood if there were to be taken anywhere other than a place of shifty morals and dangerous people.

Their Aspect may bring them to smaller places at first, such as the aforementioned locations above. However, the Mage and their Aspect know it isn’t enough knowledge to satisfy the Mage’s hunger, and so the places they go would grow more and more layers of intricacies in terms of the relationships presented to them. Night Clubs, protests peaceful or otherwise, different communities of all kinds, support groups, any type of club that doesn’t have to do with partying, and so on. The Mage of Blood would actively seek out these places, and while they may choose to participate in some of the activities present, it is not an exact requirement for them in order to complete their journey. While this may sound like there aren’t many struggles, it is well assured that the Mages of Blood who choose this journey are most certain to struggle and suffer. Due to the places they go chances are that they will run into many hurdles and problems along the way. Blood is all about relationships, after all, and so the Mage of Blood may find themself in the middle of a few disputes every once in a while. Whether it be that of them against one person, or them against multiple people, the Mage of Blood will learn what it truly means to be part of a group that shares one vision for the future, even if it means being attacked by those of their fellow species. Through the tears brought upon by gas and the pain brought upon by a physical, brute force, though, will the Mage open their eyes to the truth of what the Blood Aspect is truly about.

What about the Mages who wish to gain knowledge through Blood, though? Well, let’s just say their method of gaining knowledge may take on two different meanings. The Mage of Blood, as hinted at before, may be one who willfully welcomes people of all kinds into their social circle, knowing full well that there will be those who only wish to inflict some type of harm onto other people. If it means gaining more knowledge and more wisdom, though, then the Mage of Blood will happily be put through a possible literal Hell. However, there are also those that, once again, do it out of the kindness of their heart - even if they know the person to be not the most trustworthy. Perhaps the Mage of Blood themself has been labeled in the same fashion by those in the past, and so they know how isolating it can be to not experience the warmth of another person. Those who choose this path are some of the most likely to have two sides of the same coin - where one side only see relationships, and even the people within them, as mere stepping stones towards more knowledge, while the other sees every relationship as a chance of redemption, and must learn the hard way that not everyone is as kind and patient as them.

However, this is when they seek out this knowledge through the Blood of bonds. Much like the other Aspects, though, Blood itself can take on a double meaning. The Mage of Blood may also seek out through knowledge through the more literal definition - whether it be their own or through another’s. This is a more daring and less popular option for Mages of Blood to approach, mostly because it means either higher levels of self-sacrifice that they must endure, or they must take someone else’s, forever staining their hands, mind, and clothes in the process. While this does tie into the more literal sense of blood, it can still come back around to the undertones of Blood. For with every drop and splatter painting the world, with them as the painter, there will always be someone left to mourn and cry over the loss of someone they held so near and dear. These Mages of Blood would indeed gain the knowledge of Blood, but it would be in one of the dirtiest ways one could imagine. Even if the Mage of Blood were to have partners in crime with them, there is no guarantee that their own relationships with each other are entirely healthy. After all, while Blood-Bound are those who gain their powers from the bonds they create and hold, especially when everyone shares the same vision and goal, it can be so easy for certain Blood-bound to become locked in an echo chamber of ideas and morals that are only not ideal, but sometimes extremely dangerous.

No matter what, though, many of the Mages of Blood will eventually come to a conclusion in their journey where they have truly formed a connection with their Aspect and gained a true understanding of it. The Mage of Blood has an excellent promise to be a great and powerful leader, or at the very least a co-leader of a group. They’re someone who could be known as a true visionary in their group - being the one with the clearest vision on the goals and ideals the group should follow. Along with that, they’d be able to easily find people who share such similar thoughts as them and bring them into their group. Much like many of the other Mages, they also have great potential to be rather wise and precise with the words they say - making sure that each one is uttered in a way that makes them unique, heard, and understood. They are the person many people would go to for relationship advice, whether it be how to approach someone or how to solve a problem within the relationship itself. Depending on their own relationship with the person inquiring for such information, though, the Mage of Blood may either purposefully set them up for sabotage or withhold information from them entirely, all the while giving the best and truest advice to those they hold near and dear to their heart. The Mage of Blood has known the horrors and trials that come from traversing the minefield that is socializing and relationships, and they most definitely have their own stories to tell - whether it be by the tightened skin of scarring, or the more than knowing look towards a couple who speaks of how much they love each other.

They know what it means to feel defeated and like there is no chance to win, but they also know how to push through and continue fighting. In a way, the Mage of Blood is an excellent example of how Blood-bound tend to stand by the phrase of “Do As I Say, Not As I Do”, especially knowing all of the pain and suffering they have gone through. Chances are that, if a clear-headed Mage of Blood trusts and adores you, and they give you a piece of advice, it would be wise not to question it too much. They know what it means to be hurt by those they put all of their love and trust into, and they never wish for those who have shown them true care and kindness to be treated in fashion even remotely similar to how they were. Whenever the Mage of Blood is met with a friend asking for advice or even venting to them about an issue between them and another person, the Mage of Blood can’t help but see themself in that friend - inexperienced, innocent, and clueless. The Mage of Blood is one who often thinks about the friends, old and new, that they have collected over their journey. Most of them had to be left behind, after all, if they did not wish to slip beneath the ocean’s hungry waves for good, but rather rise above the waves and help those struggling in their own battles with the ocean and its fish. They know how the ocean works now, though, and are now no longer afraid of what lurks within its depths, but rather challenges it to give them its worst, for they know they’ll always win. Even if they don’t, though, they can always make a comeback. Mages are one of the most resilient people in the world, after all.

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