#and seeing the progress has def helped me with her actual death but i miss her so much still i always miss her

[vanitasaquias]

sailor moon for my grandma bc she used to love usagi lots :')

[danteinthedevildom]

yes! i hate it when people say belphie doesnt care for mc, this is a personal opinion but i feel like even if we werent related to lilith (and somehow we came to life again) he would be close to us, and try. seeing how the people he cares about the most react to someone he thought was just a human dying would probably push him to get to know MC. i know some people also think and argue that beel sees MC as a replacement for lilith too; but i know 100% he doesnt, he hasnt been able to verbally talk about his sisters passing to anyone, i mean almost right after she died belphie was taken away and beel assumed he was in the human world on "buisness", so for beel to openly talk about lilith with us as much as he does it feels special. i know he sees mc as their own person because of how much hes able to share with us, beel talking with mc about his feelings means hes able to finally move on, not to say that he'll forget about her, but he knows hes ready to finally stop beating himself up for it yk? i feel like people were also conflicted about seeing belphie as someone who cares for mc, especially the 180 he does when he finds out we're liliths relative; but belphie has had so much trauma, seeing the person he loved the most die, being separated from his brothers for years and years, etc. he was locked away with his mental illness for a long time, the anger bottled up and he took it out on mc, of course it explains it but it doesnt excuse it, you can still continue to hate belphie idc but i feel like he loves mc more than the other brothers do because of it, its the same thing with beel, mc allowed both of them to cope and talk to them about their sisters passing, yk?

Honestly the whole of Chapter 16 and associated fallout is p. controversial simply bc of it being us that it happens to; the game's written for us to imprint on the MC, and because of that, some scenes - like Belphie's betrayal and his glee at having killed MC - becomes very, very personal. It's very easy after that to become biased against a character, because there's genuine emotional scarring that we're left with as players that the game then just... fails to acknowledge to its fullest. (Which is why we get so many "MC might have forgiven Belphie but I haven't" fics on AO3.)

But to say that Belphie doesn't care for MC is just. Wrong. And I can def. get your annoyance on that!

He didn't care for MC to begin with, yes; MC was a random human he knew nothing about, a ticket to freedom and the first step into enacting revenge for something he's carried with him for millenia. They didn't matter to him outside of that because he never got to see them - or spend actual time with them - outside of the short visits they could afford to update him on their pact progress. That's undeniable.

But to say that he still doesn't ignores the entire point of the Lilith revelation. Being related to her gives Belphie something to connect with MC over. It gives him a reason to overcome his hatred of humanity and to bond with MC in general - which is selfish, yes, and kind of shitty, true, but so much of Belphie's (admittedly misplaced) anger comes from being a survivor of an incredibly one-sided war and (arguably, in his mind) the reason Lilith died to begin with. Because Beel saved him instead of her.

It's not like any of them were ever given a good way to cope with the trauma of the Fall, or Lilith's death. It's not like any of them even knew her actual fate until Chapter 16. Belphie's way of coping was to become apathetic, and to try and place the blame onto something he could take action against.

To him, that meant humanity. Because she fell in love with a human. Because they'd already fought God and lost, so he wasn't going to get closure there - but maybe ending the cause for her death would help the hurt.

He hated humans because of Lilith. In the realm of good story-telling, the best way to end that hatred is likewise through Lilith. Stories are best when they have that cyclical nature to them - especially since it can then transition into Belphie overcoming his trauma (and Lilith's death) through humanity.

So, yeah; it's a selfish reason to get close to someone, to take back the really horrific thing you were going to do, but all of Belphie's anger stemmed from the Fall and what he perceived as her death. Finding out that she didn't actually die? That she became human - became the very thing he wanted to destroy - and lived out a long life? That she had children, and that her family line is still alive in MC? Of course that's going to stop him dead in his tracks. And of course he's going to want to get close to MC, the last remaining fragment of the sister he's dedicated his entire life post-Fall mourning.

Belphie's an incredibly apathetic character by nature. He doesn't care about a lot of things, and everything he cares about is overshadowed by how much he loves Lilith. He needs that connection to get him out of his natural apathy. He cares about Lilith above all else; he'll care about MC at the drop of a dime if they're anything to do with her.

But that's not a bad thing. It means there's an opportunity for him to genuinely get to know who MC is, in a positive light.

It's an opportunity for him to try and make a connection with MC that simply wouldn't have existed otherwise, and through them, to finally, finally put his memory of Lilith to rest. And he does! He gets to know MC, gets to know why Beel adores them so much - outside of just being "Lilith's descendant" - and ends up loving them for who they are.

He puts his hatred of humanity and his single-minded attachment to Lilith behind him, and he still cares for MC. He wouldn't do this if he'd really not formed some sort of bond with them before that point. If he only cared for them because they're a fragment of Lilith, then they'd mean nothing to him once Lilith wasn't such a fervent part of his daily life.

I think the game's just... really bad at showing that, however. You put it really well when you called it a 180, because in all honesty? The game glosses over it much too quickly, and doesn't do a totally good job explaining the logic behind why he'd change his mind so fast.

There's not enough time spent on allowing MC - and the player - to overcome the emotional wreckage of Chapter 16 + fallout. We're not given the chance to process it before Belphie has, to build up a natural relationship with him that transitions slowly from him seeing MC as a Lilith-connection to him seeing them as their own, defined person. It's way too easy to still be emotionally hung up on it while he seems perfectly fine and dandy.

On your bit abt him overcoming it even without the connection to Lilith - I agree tbh! There is a lot Belphie would do for Beel, and I genuinely think seeing how against him Beel is after killing MC, even if they're brought back to life, would ruin him. Belphie being locked up, trying to convince Beel that he was doing the right thing, only for Beel to disagree with him and show genuine anger/disgust, would knock the world from under his feet. If he thought trying to hurt MC would make him lose Beel too - if Beel pleaded with him to just play nice, because he can't choose between them both, not again - he'd likely (albeit begrudgingly) postpone his intended revenge plot.

And he'd try to stay bitter, and for a long time he likely would - but then he'd see how happy Beel is with MC around, and how much it means to Beel that they seem to get along, and how much Beel opens up to them about Lilith, and he'd start to... reconsider. Just a little. Just a bit. Moment by moment, day by day, until he realises that MC isn't a replacement for Lilith, but that they bring something to the table that the brothers have been missing for a long, long time.

Which would afford Belphie the moment of catharsis; where he finally, on a quiet night, opens up about the Fall. How he felt, how angry he is, how helpless. How much he misses her, how the pain and hurt consumes his every thought. And then the player would get the chance to overcome the emotional strain with Belphie, showing him that his anger shouldn't be aimed at humanity when his Father is the one at fault, and Belphie, very quietly, admitting that they're right.

It could work, and work well. It's just a point of finding - and hitting - the right story beats.

On the topic of Beel - honestly, the concept that he sees MC as a replacement for Lilith is just... I personally couldn't imagine it. I can see how someone else could - being her descendant, the attic sandwich club, their little escapade together once Belphie's back in with the family - but that includes seriously misreading/ignoring a lot of Beel's character arc/development.

Beel talks to MC about Lilith and Belphie way before he knows anything about their relation to her. He sees a lot of her in them, yes - he mentions this a few times, I think, in relation to little things they do - but he also sees a lot of what he wants to be in them - which is best seen in their ability to defend both himself and Luke, which be very subtly compares to his own inability to save both Lilith and Belphie.

To Beel, MC stands as something a little idealised. MC is everything good he saw in Lilith (as well as some of the things he loves most about Belphie), and everything he wishes he could have been. MC is a reason to be better, stronger, more capable - both so he can protect them the way they protect others, and so he can feel as if he's on their level.

But that doesn't mean he sees them as a replacement to the people he's lost. It's arguable that he's projecting, sure, I'll admit that; he sees things he misses most of the people he's lost in MC, and I'm sure forming a bond with them helped him cope while he was without Belphie. But MC is still always MC to him. They're always still their own person, and someone he cares for because of that fact.

Beel cares too much about his family to replace them with someone else. Lilith meant too much to him as a person for him to look at MC and actually see Lilith. He misses her, not the idea of her. He feels guilt that he couldn't save her. His trauma revolves almost entirely around the failure of (self imposed) duty and the subsequent loss of life. His Survivor's Guilt is the main reason Beel can't put her memory to rest - because he's constantly haunted by the thought that he could have saved her.

His trauma, the way it is, does not create a setting where he would believably see MC as a replacement for Lilith. He's all too aware that she's gone. He's all too aware that he lost something he can never get back that day. Her memory is special to him, and being unable to talk about her hurts him because that's a bit like killing her off for good.

MC can't replace Lilith, even being Lilith's descendant, and I genuinely can't believe that Beel would even want them to. He's so defensive over Belphie and Lilith, even just over the memory of them; to suggest that MC could replace one of them I feel would anger him more than anything. Not only because it's an insult to Lilith, but because it's an insult to the person MC is. To the person Beel admires.

With just how much he cares about Lilith, I think Beel's enhanced attachment to MC is more the steadfast defence of her lineage to make up for what he couldn't do for her. He still sees MC as their own person, it's just that now... now he has a chance to make up for what he failed at before. And bit by bit, he can learn to forgive himself. Can learn to stop blaming himself for something that was never his fault to begin with.

Belphie and Beel have a special relationship with MC because MC is a direct link to Lilith that helps them overcome their individual Lilith-related traumas. They're naturally going to be closer to MC due to this, yeah, but that's... not the only reason they're close to MC. To try and push down everything they feel and do with MC to "it's only because MC is Lilith's descendant" is to. Well. A) make an incredibly unsatisfying story and character development, but also B) completely ignore that MC helps them bury the memory Lilith. MC helps them move on. Their care and love for MC is what helps them finally let go - to stop living in the past, in hurt, and to finally take a step forward to a future without the weight of Lilith's death constantly burdening them.

Like. If Solmare had just spend a little more time on these two, that might be clearer. Because it's definitely there! And it's why I love Belphie and Beel so, so much. But it's also fully understandable why some players still really dislike Belphie, or why they're not convinced that Belphie/Beel see MC as anything outside of Lilith, bc the game does kind of fail on that a little by rushing a bit too much. Just. Aagh!! You know?

I could honestly go on abt them for hours. So I should prolly stop here before I go on too long adfgh.

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.

[tamakiamajikistentacles]

Please Don’t Leave {Eijirou Kirishima}

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! I tried something a little different with this story and having included a character we don’t know very much about was challenging. Writing this piece was interesting to say the least lol. This was partially inspired by the book/movie “If I Stay” and if you haven’t read/seen it I def recommend!

The silence was strange. Maybe it was just because it was there. Living with nineteen other teenagers could seem deafening at the best of times and quiet moments were rare. Her body felt strange too though, like she both could and couldn’t feel. One minute she felt weightless, comfortable like she was lying on a giant pillow, and the next she could feel a deep, pulsating throb in her head.

When the pain disappeared is when she opened her eyes to see grey all around her. It was dull and seemingly endless, and she furrowed her brows in confusion.

“Man, it’s gonna be nice to have someone to talk to!”

She jumped at the energetic words, blinking rapidly as she fought the sluggishness of her body to sit up. Below her she noticed what sort of did look like a large white pillow but also the smiling boy floating at her side.

He was tall and his fluffy light blue hair made him look even taller which may have felt intimidating if his blue eyes weren’t so friendly as they stared at her from above a white strip across the bridge of his nose. A blue aviator hat and goggles were visible below his hair and he wore a dark blue gi beneath a brown aviator jacket, dust and dirt clinging to the material.

“Who are you?” she asked. “Where are we, and why is everything grey? Are you sitting on a cloud? Wait, am I?”

He laughed. “Yeah, that’s my quirk! I like to ride on them and when you started to appear I could tell you weren’t awake so I made you a cloud bed!”

“How—? Where—?”

“Oh, sure, sorry,” he said quickly. “I dunno where exactly we are but I’ve always called it ‘the in-between’ because we’re between life and death which explains the grey but probably sounds really scary and uh, it is? But at least we have each other! My name’s Oboro Shirakumo!”

She tried to process his rapid-fire words but the only thing she completely understood was his name.

In-between life and death? Why was she seemingly dying? What had happened? She couldn’t remember anything happening to put her life at risk, at least not lately.

“You look really confused and I get that, I feel bad having to give you such heavy news and you probably don’t remember much. I was the same way when I got here, but after a while you should be able to remember and it’ll all come back…” he trailed off, and when she realized the expectant look she said her name. He smiled and repeated it before continuing, “You’ll figure out what led you here.”

“Can I ask what led you here?” she asked quietly when silence stretched between them.

He smiled sadly. “I am—or I guess was?—a hero course student and a villain attack didn’t exactly go my way. Managed to save a class of schoolkids though, and my friend took out the villain all on his own. I’m guessing by your costume you’re probably in a hero course too.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I can’t imagine being alone for so long after all of that. You’re right that I’m a hero course student and my class has been through a lot, but we’ve always been together afterwards.”

“Well, I really don’t know if it’s been long,” he replied thoughtfully. “Time is strange here and being alone definitely doesn’t help. You know how you feel after a really good nap? Like you don’t even know if its day or night or if you were asleep for two hours or two years? That’s sort of how it feels being here.”

“January 8th is the last day I remember seeing on my lock screen,” she mumbled. “I saw it when I woke up and started getting ready for my work study. If something happened on patrol…”

“Not to interrupt but uhm, January 8th of what year?” he asked, eyes bugging when she answered. “There’s no way.”

“What, is it a long time after your villain attack?”

“Yeah. Fifteen years.”

Her eyes widened too. “You’ve been here for fifteen years by yourself?!”

He opened his mouth to reply but she couldn’t hear if he actually did, the searing pain in her skull returning as her hands flew to the back of her head. She pitched forward as tears gathered in her eyes and she cried out in pain.

  Darkness surrounded her and from the heavy feeling of her eyelids she knew they were closed. She felt like she was floating again but this time she could hear voices, garbled and far away. She understood snippets but couldn’t follow the conversation and she couldn’t tell who was saying what.

“…brain… body can try…”

“Stop crying…”

“…class soon… you’ll… without you…”

“…another way! Someone…”

The pain was so much more intense even as she laid still, but then the blackness consumed her and the pain was gone.

  Shirakumo’s hair was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes and was back in the in-between. Still disoriented, she could see that his mouth was open in surprise.

“What just happened?!” she asked, panic bubbling in her chest. “It hurt and I could hear people but I don’t—it was dark.”

“I think you tipped back towards life,” he murmured. “Whatever you heard, do you remember much? Sometimes it helps figure out what’s going on wherever your body is.”

She sniffled, wiping tears from her cheeks with her wrist. “I heard someone talking about a brain, I think? And a body trying to do something but I don’t know what. Do you think they mean me? My brain, my body?”

“Probably,” he said softly. “It can be really hard to hear things when your spirit leans back to life. Sometimes I remember things I never actually saw or heard. The memory itself is hazy, like there’s a dark mist over it so I can’t see much, but I can make out certain words or bits of conversation if I try hard enough.”

“There were other people though, saying to stop crying and asking for another way. I feel like I should know the voices.”

“The more you tip towards life the clearer it is, I think,” he shrugged. “All we can do is hope you move closer to waking up.”

She nodded, lying back on her cloud. If she was hurt badly enough to be suspended between life and death that meant her class was probably going out of their minds, her boyfriend most of all. Maybe he was there speaking to her, maybe he was one of the voices she heard. If he was she could only imagine he was asking for her to wake up. Kirishima was always a beacon of hope, one she was more than happy to follow and prayed would guide her through this too.

He didn’t mind hospitals for the most part, but long hours spent in various ones throughout the country in less than a year didn’t put them on his list of favorite things either. The waiting he had been doing for the last six days in an uncomfortable visitor’s chair was driving him mad and the lack of significant progress in his girlfriend’s condition was even worse.

Sure, she was in the best possible place for treatment and was monitored around the clock but she wasn’t awake. She wasn’t talking to him or poking his nose or kissing his cheek; she was just lying there in the hospital bed looking as if she was going to be swallowed by machines and wires. At least she could breathe on her own and there were no tubes down her throat—he wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to handle seeing that.

But still he sat by her bedside any chance he got. After classes ended for the day he took the train straight there, his uniform still on and bag carelessly left in the classroom at his desk. The bag always made its way to him though.

“Kirishima I swear if you don’t start bringing your shit with you you’re giving me money for the train to and from this place. Do your homework while you sit here,” Bakugo snapped at him like every other afternoon as the bag was dropped at his feet.

With a sigh he dug through his bag to find his assignments and opened his notes to work through the homework sheets because he was right, he needed to keep up with schoolwork. He had to be able to help her when she woke up, right?

“Oi, don’t start starin’ into space!”

“I’m not! I’m not, I’m just… this is hard, you know?” he said quietly. “I’ve never gone so long without talking to her and I miss her. She’s right in front of me but I miss her.”

Bakugo scowled. “No one ever said you should be smiling at the fact that your girlfriend had her head scrambled, hair for brains. This is the type of shit we have to deal with if we’re gonna be heroes but that doesn’t mean time stops for you to mope. Besides, didn’t the doctors say she’s doing better?”

“Yeah, they said the swelling’s gone down to the point where it’s really hard to see on the scans so that’s good. But they also mentioned that she’s still low on this coma scale thing, like she’s a six which is just one up from critical. Her only response is to pain and—"

“Tch, you’re just impatient. She’s gonna be fine once her body’s healed enough to wake up. Then the old lady’s gonna kiss her and shit’ll be back to normal.”

“I—

  —really, really hope you’re right.”

“’Course I’m right, you idiot.”

The pain was still there but more a dull ache than before. It let her focus on the voices and she knew them, she knew her boyfriend and his best friend were there with her. She wondered what Bakugo should be right about. He probably was, whatever it is.

Her time in the in-between wasn’t terrible because Shirakumo was good company but she did look forward to the moments when everything went dark and she could hear everyone around her body. She heard her parents and boyfriend most often but her friends were there sometimes too. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she was awake, but she hoped she could open her eyes soon.

“You smile a lot when you snap back from tipping,” Shirakumo observed. He was sat on one of his clouds, elbow on his knee and chin in his hand.

“I hear my boyfriend,” she said with a grin. “It’s just really good to hear his voice, you know?”

“That’s nice,” he said quietly.

She furrowed her brows. “I know you haven’t since I’ve been here but don’t you tip towards life sometimes too? Don’t you hear your family? Your friends?”

“Nah, I don’t know anyone who’s speaking around me. Never recognize what I see through the haze either,” he explained. “I don’t know exactly what that means since it seems like with you, you hear what’s being said to your body. I rarely tip towards life anymore but when I do it’s like I’m on autopilot or something. It’s probably just a dream.”

“Well what do you hear or see?”

“Once I was in a hospital I think but that’s all I can remember, no voices and all I saw was darkness,” he said thoughtfully. “Another time I was in a dome, like a stadium almost. There was a lot of yelling and mostly I can remember shapes and colors. Black and red, green and orange, some white spots in the corner of my eye. Loud bangs like firecrackers were the last thing I heard before tipping back to the in-between.”

She listened intently, the details he described vague but familiar though she didn’t know exactly why.

“Other than those it’s just whispers while I’m in a black fog. It’s just snippets like I mentioned. A word or two here and there.”

“But never your family or friends?” she repeated.

“No, but I can’t really expect that if it’s been fifteen years, huh? My family had my little siblings to look after and my friends—well they’ve gotta be hotshot heroes by now. We wanted to start our own agency together, and I hope they did even without me. The dream shouldn’t die just because I did.”

“What were they like?”

“What’s your boyfriend like?” he teased.

“I asked first!”

“I’m older, respect your elders.”

She let out an exasperated sigh but smiled nonetheless. “His name is Eijirou Kirishima and he’s… he’s like a bright light in the dark. He’s brave even when he’s afraid and he wants to help people because it’s the right thing to do. He’s in the hero course with me and… shit, I miss him.”

“Bet he misses you too,” he said with a soft smile. “He sounds like a good guy, and I hope you can see him again soon.”

“Me too,” she whispered, then after a moment reminded him, “Your turn.”

“Ah well, my buddies were kinda opposite of each other—one loud and energetic, always the center of attention and the other quiet and introverted, sometimes had a tough time believing in himself. But they were both gonna be great heroes! All of Japan was going to know Present Mic and Eras—”

“—erhead,” she finished breathlessly, and Shirakumo grinned.

It had been eleven days since the villain attack that had put her in the hospital and Kirishima still saw her head slamming into the concrete siding of the office building so clearly it may as well have been playing out in front of him all over again. In reality she was extremely lucky that her skull hadn’t been cracked wide open, the only fractures being in her left arm from twisting awkwardly as her body met the building.

Her arm would be easy to heal thanks to Recovery Girl, but the head injury was more delicate and what really needed resolved first. It would take time for her body to recuperate which was the reason she’d fallen comatose; they’d been told that her body was pausing everything else so the damage could be repaired. Once that damage could be taken care of then the other injuries could be tended to. It wasn’t likely to last more than a few weeks but to Kirishima even a few hours seemed like an eternity.

Yet each day after class and on the weekends he waited that eternity, had done it eleven times over. It was difficult—near impossible—to make him leave even for a quick dinner in the hospital’s cafeteria which meant only one person could convince him, and he made sure to do so as crudely as possible.

“Do you fuckin’ think she’s gonna be happy waking up to your stomach growling at her like a goddamn beast? Get your ass some food. If you’re back in under half an hour I’m exploding your ugly fuckin’ face. She won’t recognize you and neither will your shitty mothers.”

It was tiresome to endure the constant yelling but it was true, he needed to eat. “Okay, okay, I’m going. But just make sure—”

“If she wakes up I call the nurse, then you, then her family, then your mothers, then the media, then go fuck myself, I know,” Bakugo finished as his eye twitched. “Get your fucking food, asshole.”

With a defeated sigh the redhead left the room, a glance over his shoulder lingering on his sleeping girlfriend for just a moment as he stepped out into the bright hallway. He let his mind wander as he walked. After eleven days he didn’t need to think of how to get to the cafeteria, his feet knew where to take him.

Bakugo sat back in the visitor’s chair Kirishima had been using as a table for his homework, scrolling through his phone mindlessly. He didn’t hate silence despite what many probably assumed, but this was he sort of quiet that was eerie and uncomfortable because of the circumstances.

“Wake the fuck up.”

Slow, even breaths were his answer.

“What, you embarrassed that you got thrown like a long dart into the side of an accounting firm of all things? Almost couldn’t blame you if that’s why you’re just laying here.”

Nothing.

“I know you can hear me. Know you can hear Kirishima too since—

  —he never shuts the hell up. Probably heard him cryin’ over you too, huh?”

A steady heartbeat and no pain in her head, she breathed in deeply at Bakugo’s words. Of course she’d heard him, the few other times she had come back to her body clearer each time. Her heart broke to hear what she knew were quiet sobs and soared when he would relay the absurdity the class had gotten up to that day.

“It’s your fault he’s upset.”

She hated that he was right.

“Your tests n’shit say you should be wakin’ up any time now. They told him that two days ago and he’s holding on to that but here you are, not even putting up a fight to get back to him. The hell’s that about?”

It… she was trying. But it wasn’t easy when her body felt like it was tied to concrete at the bottom of the ocean and couldn’t possibly surface. She just wasn’t strong enough yet, that’s all. Tipping towards life was lasting longer and longer each time and soon she’d be at the point where she never went back to the in-between. It was just taking time.

“After you blacked out he froze. In the middle of a goddamn villain attack downtown he froze. It was only a few seconds but it coulda cost him, you know that. Then I’d have both of you idiots here probably,” he huffed.

Was that fondness?

“He kept fighting though. He fought until we won but I know he doesn’t think it’s a victory. If he can fight, why can’t you?”

That was the question wasn’t it?

“You better start fighting your ass off to open your eyes. Naptime’s over.”

She hadn’t tipped again since hearing Bakugo’s scolding guilt trip to wake up and while time seemingly didn’t exist in the in-between she felt like days, weeks, months, possibly years had gone by. It was terrifying enough to know that Shirakumo had been there alone for over a decade and never realized it but what if that happened to her too? What if Shirakumo tipped back to life and woke up to resume living or even took the final step towards death? Then she would be alone in the infinite grey abyss with only her thoughts.

What if she never tipped back to life again? She wouldn’t hear a goodbye or say one herself to anyone—not her parents, not her friends, not to the boyfriend who’s kept vigil for what had to have been two weeks by then at least.

“I know you’re scared.”

She looked up to see Shirakumo watching her with an unreadable expression.

“It’s okay to be, you know? This place is like the perfect definition of uncertainty, but you said that last time you heard that you should be waking up soon right?”

“That’s what Bakugo said,” she murmured, staring down at her hands. “But I haven’t tipped since then and now I don’t know if I will again.”

“You don’t feel it at all?” he asked.

“No, I haven’t heard anything.”

“Ah no, I mean you’re… when you go closer to life you look different to me. Like you’re… smudged?”

She stared at him.

“So I see you,” he tried to explain, “but then it’s almost like you’ve got a shadow around you? It—okay, you know how when you draw with an oil pastel you can blend it out? When you tip towards life you look like that.”

“Alright, but what does that have to do with anything right now? I’m not going towards life.”

He gave a weak smile. “Yeah you are. You’ve been smudged since you last heard your friend. It was faint at first but its lingered and now you’re sort of fading out. I think… I think that means you’re waking up.”

“How can I be waking up if I’m not hearing anything there? I’ve been with you this entire time!”

“I don’t know, I’m just guessing! It’s a good thing if I’m right, it means you’ll get to see your boyfriend and your friends and your family.”

“I just… I don’t want to hope and then it be for nothing,” she whispered. “Of course I want to wake up but that’s all I’ve wanted this entire time and I just don’t know how and it’s awful to know I’m causing all of them to worry over me and hope for something that may not happen.”

“Hey I get it, okay? It’s hard knowing that everyone there wants you back but you don’t know how to get to them. But heroes don’t get to lose hope. You can have your moments of weakness but you should never lose hope that it’s going to get better.”

She turned away from him, lip bitten between her teeth. Of course he was right—as heroes they couldn’t lose hope when they were the ones who brought hope to the hopeless in the times they needed it the most. But that also begged the question of how they kept that hope. Who inspired them in the darkest times?

It was an obvious answer once she shed the cynicism: family, friends, loved ones, the people they would fight the hardest for. Her family, her friends, her class, her boyfriend. They had hope for her to wake up and when they spoke to her they were keeping that hope alive.

“It’s okay to be upset,” Shirakumo said softly as he watched a tear make its way down her face. “But you’re gonna wake up, I know it. Just… take a deep breath and we can talk about something else.”

“Okay,” she whispered, turning back to him as she sucked in a breath and let her eyes fall closed.

He watched with a smile as her faded form grew even more faint, then disappear completely as she let out the breath.

The darkness was back. It enveloped her like always but there was no pain in her head. She felt cold, like the air conditioning had been dropped low and created a makeshift icebox out of the room she was in. She also felt stiff but that was both the cold and the fact that she hadn’t moved in what? Over two weeks by then?

There was shuffling to her right. She wondered who was there—was it her parents? Kirishima? The little chuckle answered that quickly.

“Your fingers always twitch when you’re asleep,” she heard him say. “When you fall asleep on me in the common room your little finger twitches tickle because they’re so light. I miss that.”

She never knew she did that in her sleep, and she wondered what made him bring it up.

“You’ve been doing it more and between that and the blinking the doctors say it should really be any time now. I… I miss your eyes. When you blink its so fast I can barely see them so wake up soon, okay?”

She’d been blinking and moving? Could she do that now? She tried to move her left index finger but she couldn’t tell if it worked. Maybe she was still too stiff.

“As much as I love your eyes I think I miss your smile the most,” he said quietly. “Seeing you smile after we confront villains has always been so important, even before we were together. When we saw each other after the USJ and you smiled at me… that was when I realized I had to tell you how I felt.”

He did, right before the sports festival took place. Afterwards he often joked that he advanced as far as he did to prove he was worth keeping around. She could only roll her eyes because he could’ve sat out every event in favor of eating from the food vendors and she would’ve kept him as close as possible.

“When I saw you get hurt I panicked but I knew I had to keep fighting. If nothing else we had to win so I could get to you and make sure you were okay. After we won I practically threw Ojiro and Todoroki out of the way,” he laughed lightly. “I apologized later but I still feel a little bad about it. At least they were understanding.”

Always worried about her, wasn’t he? The feeling was mutual though. She was worried even as he spoke safely from a hospital visitor’s chair just because of the occasional hitch in his breathing. She wanted to see him, to grab his hand, to reassure him.

“Was that finger twitch supposed to be disapproval? I said I apologized!”

Wait, had she really moved?

“They really were understanding though. Heh, probably because I was in tears honestly. Not seeing you smile after a win was just… it hit my heart, y’know?”

Yeah, she knew. He was hitting her heart right now.

“And then you wouldn’t wake up.”

The emotion in his voice was thick and she could picture the pinch in his brows as he tried to hold back tears.

“It didn’t look very good at first and that terrified me more than you could ever know. You barely responded to pain and the swelling took awhile to go down. I don’t know if you could hear me then or even if you can now, but I sat here with you as often as I could and I just kept hoping you would wake up. Well I’m still doing that, but in the beginning I really didn’t know if you would. I held your hand and I cried more than I want to admit just begging you not to leave me.”

How had she gotten so lucky to have him as a partner? What good deed had she done in a past life?

“Even with you moving like that and blinking and everything the doctors have said I’m still scared. They keep saying any day now but I just… when? I’ll sit here every day until you wake up, holding your hand and talking to you. If you can hear me you’re gonna have to get used to me begging even more. Please don’t leave me. I need you here smiling, okay? I want… I want to be a hero you can be proud to stand beside.”

A warm weight settled on her right hand and she realized it was his hand holding hers. She could feel him. She could feel him and she could hear him.

Her body was still so stiff and her eyelids felt like lead but she breathed evenly, gathering all the strength she had. It wasn’t much but it was enough to open her eyes just a bit, light flooding through her lashes and making her close them almost immediately.

Soothing circles were being drawn on the back of her hand and she wanted to see Eijirou smile. It sounded like he hadn’t in so long. She wanted to make him smile.

Her eyes fluttered open just a bit more on the second try but fell closed again at the light. Dammit, hospital lighting shouldn’t be that bad! She tried again, opening her eyes wider and only squinting at the brightness. She kept them open as long as she could before blinking quickly and fixing her eyes on the opposite wall’s small dry erase board; she couldn’t read what it said and she didn’t know if that was because of just waking up or from the injury but she decided to worry about that later.

She could feel the warmth on her hand still and from the corner of her eye she could see red but her head still felt heavy and even turning to the side seemed like an impossibly difficult task. After the fight to just open her eyes she could imagine it wouldn’t be easy. But she desperately wanted to see those red eyes and that sharp smile.

Well her fingers could move and that should be easier than shifting her head to the side, right? So she focused on her right hand and squeezed against the solid palm holding it. She did it once, and then again, and finally a third time. She felt the grip strengthen and soon her line of sight was filled with red hair and red eyes and a blinding smile. She tried to smile back, hoping that the small quirk of the corner of her lips would suffice for now.

In six weeks she had come a long way. After waking up she stayed in the hospital for an additional two days for testing and monitoring before being released back to Aizawa to go back to the dorms. Recovery Girl finished the healing process for her arm and things were, for the most part, back to normal.

Some issues from her time unconscious persisted but were able to be worked through to the point where she didn’t have many difficulties. Initially she had thought there were no effects but as she was dressing to leave the hospital she froze with the laces of her shoe in hand with no idea of what to do next. She knew how to tie her shoes and had known for most of her life, but as she stared down at the white laces in her grip she couldn’t even guess as to what she was supposed to do.

It was a small miracle that her parents were there with Aizawa as she was being discharged because she didn’t think she could handle her teacher having to tie her shoes for her. Relearning wasn’t terrible when she had the help of Eijirou and her friends. They were kind and without much teasing unless she initiated it first. With all the combined effort she was double knotting her laces within two weeks.

Slightly stranger was her perception of music she’d heard prior to her injury—everything sounded just a bit faster, as if it were half a beat ahead of where it should be. It was odd to experience because to everyone else it was normal and just as it should be so she avoided music for a few weeks to shake the uncomfortable feeling it gave her. After roughly a month Jiro convinced her to try listening again and when she started a familiar tune it was just as it should be, no altered speed. It was weird but at least it was over.

She was even back to full contact combat training in hero lessons which was all she had wanted the entire time Aizawa had given her alternate assignments. Most of the class were nervous to work with her even after she was cleared, but she was thankful when both Bakugo and Todoroki challenged her as if nothing had ever happened. That helped to get everyone else back to treating her like the fighter she was.

Eijirou was much clingier and more affectionate with her too. He’d been attentive before but when he’d said he needed her smiling, he had meant it. More than before there was always a hand on her hip, an arm around her shoulder, fingers intertwined with hers, and she enjoyed the increased contact. His goal of making her smile was met a thousand times over within the first two weeks alone, she was sure.

“I did hear you, you know,” she said one night as she laid against him on one of the common room couches. She had one of his hands in hers and traced patterns against his palm. The rest of the class was white noise around them. “I would fade in and out at random times but I heard you the most.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment. “Whatever you heard, I meant it.”

“Mmm,” she hummed, “I know you missed me and my smile and you didn’t want to lose me. You’ve told me all of that since I woke up.”

“Of course!” he agreed quickly. “I was there every day and I just couldn’t imagine you not waking up.”

“I’m glad I woke up when you were there. I was fighting to get back to you just like Bakugo yelled at me to do. I’d heard how upset you were and I didn’t want you to cry over me anymore, I wanted to see you smile too.”

“So you remember a lot of what you heard while you were out, huh?”

She nodded. “There’s a lot I remember but I’m sure I’m missing some things.”

“Maybe,” he murmured, catching her fingers to lace them together.

“I think I want to talk to Aizawa about it more. There’s just some stuff Hound Dog wouldn’t understand.”

“Like what?” he asked, kissing her temple.

She sighed. “Just some other things I remember from while I was unconscious. I think he might have some good insight.”

Eijirou gave a nod of understanding and they fell into a comfortable silence.

She was so glad to back with her friends and boyfriend and seeing her parents again had been amazing. At first it felt like she had missed everything in the sixteen days she had been unconscious but they all worked to fit her back into normal life. Knowing they cared about her was heart-warming in a way she’d never experienced before and she was thankful beyond words.

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! I’m still a little unsure of how this fic turned out though that sometimes when I try something new. Also I know I put Kirishima through a lot of shit around here but I swear I love him and want the best for him! We love an unwavering and sturdy hero on this blog

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

👀

send me a 👀 and i’ll post a snippet of art/writing that i never got around to finishing this year (r.i.p)

okay so here’s the tea on all the things that didn’t get finished in 2019!

2019 was the year of abandoning short stories lol oops! Here’s the hit list: :’(

1. Growing Season

This is such a hard hit because who doesn’t want to read a story about a woman replacing her boyfriend with a cactus, narrated BY the cactus?? I’d love to revisit this story because a) it’s told in my fave POV (first person directed to “you”) and b) “you” is an apathetic college dropout who goes for the hard dRAG after a bad breakup with her boyfriend, and c) because a cactus NARRATES it.

I’m at a little over 800 words in this story (it def gives me Sea Life by Eliza Robertson vibes).

2. Phantom Limbs in D Minor

Biggest hit! I’ve been working on this story since March, made good progress in the beginning, and slowly began drifting from it. I’ve chipped away at it sporadically over the last few months, and I’ve made it my goal to finish it over break! I don’t see myself hitting this goal, but I do hope to actually finish this story because I feel like it contains some of the best prose I’ve written and I love the vibe! I’m at over 2k words with a scene of about 1k floating around. I’ve actually toyed with making this story a novel because the scope seems quite large, but I definitely want to finish the short story before I think about that more! We follow chaotic Linda as she stress renovates her childhood home (a past! commune!) after her mother’s death. Linda is so precious to me, and I’d love to give her a story! If New York by Ex:Re was a person, it would be Linda lol. 

3. Anatomy of a Swinging Door

I’m making a statement, and my statement is that this is my designated cult story which means it must happen in the future. This was originally my “test out first person retrospective” story, though I think the point of view isn’t working super well here, but we’ll see! I conveniently wrote a logline for this story when I was trying to narrow down the scope, so here you go: A young woman visits her childhood home on the one-year anniversary of her brother’s disappearance and meets the new (and strange) family who lives there. 

(cult!)

So the second round of tragedies goes toward novels, AKA Houses With Teeth (which I can share excerpts from!). 

4. Houses With Teeth

I really struggled with this book this year, because it came to be in a time where my writing was getting an overhaul (though I didn’t realize it at the time)! I’ve learned a lot about intention in writing over the last year, something the Fostered series has lacked (oops). This led to me being very unsure about where I wanted to go with this book in particular--the same route as all the others (weird contemporary with dystopian elements that haven’t fully gone away yet) orrrr plan out something a bit more literary! I’ve fought with myself over this since April, and still don’t know where I’m going, but I’m missing my chaotic diva narrator Reeve and would love to get back into her head! 

This book has gone through about 3 openings, and I haven’t fully landed on any yet. I’m rethinking how I want to start this book, but taking my time with Moth Work to work me up to the timeline in HWT (which takes place about 8 months after the end of Rewired). I think I’ve shared most of this!

Some excerpts of first person retrospective Reeve (AKA Rachel trying to be Emma Cline looool):

Though the church was only a fifteen minute walk from the apartment, I packed a picnic basket of cha siu bao and a bottle of red wine and wore heels so they would know I wasn’t Christian. The basket wasn’t mine and neither were the bao—these were both things I’d taken from Liu. This wasn’t the first time I’d stolen from her. I’d once taken her fifty-dollar jar of saffron from the pantry because I’d heard it was the most expensive spice and wanted to feel rich. I took her jade Buddha necklace because she’d left it in the back and I wanted to feel cultured in her city, I wanted to become her history. The saffron jar was replaced. She didn’t comment when I wore the necklace at my next shift. This was why Liu and I worked well together. She pitied me so would never fire me, even when I skipped shifts and cussed at the customers. I felt entitled to her things because she was kind to me. I felt entitled to her kindness. 

lol I haven’t read this in months and it made me laugh #valid:

I crossed the street before the streetlight changed because this is how I lived in New York City. The world was unfair and lightless and I was an atheist who believed in God, walking in five inch heels on a busted road in the ghetto so I could get enough holy water to drown the ghost out of my apartment. 

When all else fails, add a dash of mother:

The air that summer was always the same: dense and wet, even on the good days. It clung to my arms and threatened to erode the skin there, even when it wasn’t sunny. I remembered my mother’s insistence of sunscreen when I was a child; before the pool, in the pool, out of the pool, when we weren’t even at the pool. Her hands were always cold and the sunscreen was always liquid—Izzy was never good at temperature or putting things in the right places. She’d put the instant coffee in the fridge and the cream on the counter. She’d cook the eggs too long and the ice too little. My father would criticize her as a joke and she’d threaten a divorce. This was the only thing I knew was true about my mother. Sunscreen was expensive, so I never bought it. 

Reeve bringing out the drag:

“Grab me a pack of cigarettes?” I shifted the picnic basket so it rested in the crook of my elbow.

“ID?”

“You don’t need my ID.”

“I ID every customer. You’re nothing special, baby.”

The man’s mustache wilted in the tungsten light of the variety store, spindly like loose threads. My father had grown a mustache like that once, and it took only two nights before my mother cut it off in his sleep. Izzy was brash like that, and I wanted that too; to find a pair of scissors in one of the aisles and chip at that flaccid mustache. There was nothing special about this man, either. All men in New York City tried to look like that; facial hair like coiled up leeches, a gut they pretended wasn’t a gut, but the fault of an unflattering polo from their wives. I imagined the snip of the kitchen scissors on my father’s upper lip, the same snip I heard the next day when he clipped the evergreens lining the walkup. There was something coarse about how similar it all was—pruning trees, grooming facial hair. I had turned twenty that spring—it would’ve taken only a minute for him to pass me a pack, but this was too easy. I wasn’t biological in New York City; I shouldn’t have been. 

5. Fostered But It’s Magic

So this was never meant to be a full project, though I had hoped to write a bit of it just for fun and never got around to it! FBIM (obvi working title lol) is exactly what it sounds like: the Fostered series but with a magical twist! I don’t write very much genre fiction, nor have I ever written fantasy, but a few months ago, felt drawn to the idea of putting Fostered in a magical world (my comp titles are SHREK 4 meets HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE). 

I don’t have any of this written, but I do have a few notes which I can share! 

I didn’t realize I’d made a tag yourself writing these notes but (I’m Lonan):

Reeve is a magical con artist who runs her own business selling bootleg magic. 

Lonan is absent and part bird

Harrison *believes* he is #magic free but has been recently getting hot flashes during nightmares.

Foster has an in-home herbalism business where he helps mostly the elderly and children. He has a cart that he wheels monthly into town. Kind of a failing business.

The gist is that Harrison (who we’d be following) can’t sleep due to hot flashes and nightmares of his ex (@ Lonan) and is referred to a small business run by a clairvoyant who promises to make all psychological problems disappear—relationship issues, sleep issues, life issues. This clairvoyant is actually Reeve who is telikinetic of some sorts, and doesn’t actually provide magic, but manipulates (usually weak) brains, AKA tricks people into paying her large sums of money when she gives them no magical help in return. We ALSO have a “past” plotline, and this is the very loose logline I’d written down (tho if I ever write any of this, is subject to change):

After being tormented by nightmares of his ex lover resulting in violent hot flashes and an inability to keep up employment, Harrison seeks a magical intervention. When the clairvoyant he hopes will cure his strange ailment turns out to be a con woman—and his old friend—he is thrown back into the past and forced to rekindle relationships he thought he’d left behind.  

Some dialogue I wrote down ft. clairvoyant Reeve being Reeve:

H: Why are you doing this? 

R (reapplying lip colour): Is my lipstick distracting you? The colour is dazzling.

H: It’s bullshit. 

R (abruptly stops drawing on lip colour): The lipstick? 

H: Your work.

My fave interaction tho has to be this bit I’d noted down with pure Foster comforting Harrison after a nightmare:

Foster *reading on couch when Harrison wakes up in #panique*: What happened? Harrison? Do you need some eucalyptus? 

*do u need some eucalyptus*

That’s basically all the writing related things I didn’t finish in 2019! I’d love to explore them all in 2020 though! Thanks for asking. :)

--Rachel

[zombiejette]

RadioDust HCs:

ok kids. bc i have no chill yet no desire to clean these ramblings up into an actual fic, have some of my extremely self-indulgent hcs for this ship. this is gonna get long-winded and wild, so strap tf in.

General HCs:

Alastor is gray or demisexual. Meaning he is generally sex-repulsed until he becomes incredibly close to someone. This is pretty much my standard HC across the board for him, especially when I’m trying to ship him with Angel cuz lord knows there needs to be a middle ground between their sexual natures somewhere lol

Even after falling for someone, he still is fairly indifferent to sex, but he does enjoy eliciting reactions, especially from someone he knows well. And in the rare event that he cares for another, he does genuinely want to bring them pleasure. Therefore he sees sex more as an extension of this and is willing to participate to make his partner happy/is interested in creating their reactions

Likes to know he’s the only one to rile them up as well, part of his power kink

Alastor also has no idea what these identity terms mean either: is a clueless murderous old man

Angel is a tad more Woke™, especially after being in Hell for a while

Having younger generations of demon friends helps with this: Cherri or Vaggie being the ones to usually clue him in to more modern concepts

Drives Angel up a gd wall when he attempts to explain a modern invention/slang/pop culture reference to Alastor, who only digs his heels in with Not Understanding it just to piss him off more

Alastor not only does understand, but saves this fact for the times when he really wants to impress/screw with Angel, or when the knowledge comes in handy

He’ll never forget the look on Angel’s face when he casually informed him that the deer selfie filter is actually super offensive to him and would you please be a ‘deer’ and cease using it on insta thank you now there’s a love

Angel is now super paranoid that Alastor will see all his social media interactions somehow, despite him NOT having any accounts anywhere

Does not stop him from posting nsfw selfies and tagging them with #alastor/radiodemon in the least

Anemia HCs:

ok so i read somewhere that angel was anemic on the hazbin wiki info, or something?? i don’t know if that was real or not but uh... i took it and ran with it, so now it’s my hc, and this whooooole thing turned itself into a multi-part mini fic, which is all under the cut. if you’re dying of radiodust thirst like me, pls enjoy this mess.

Part One:

Angel is indeed anemic, and the first time Alastor finds out is when he literally passes out into his arms like a bad ‘Gone with the Wind’ parody

At first Alastor was disgusted, thinking this was yet another stupid ploy to hit on him... until he realized Angel wasn’t speaking anymore

Something that never happens

He wasn’t expecting to care, let alone lift the spider the rest of the way into his arms, carrying him to Charlie so she can figure this out

One second, Angel was fainting on him, the next, Alastor found himself sitting by his bed, placing a cool cloth over his brow and waiting for Charlie to get back with supplies

Almost like something out of those novels Mother used to think she had so cleverly hidden away

Hmm

Somehow, that thought alone was not enough to make him leave, so there he dutifully remained

Even as Angel woke up, groggy, yet giving him maybe the smallest, softest smile he’d ever seen the demon make

”Al... you stayed...”

Well that was certainly something. The way it made his pulse race quicker and palms sweat under his gloves was definitely new. And apparently enough to keep him sticking around through Charlie’s fussing and prodding and Angel’s consequent refusal of said mothering

Until Alastor remembered that anemic means lack of iron

iron like from meat

meat like from animals

and animal meat was his specialty!

Without another word, he left for the kitchen, only to return with a giant steak dinner (clearly bullied out of the staff in a rush), complete with mashed potatoes and vegetables and a large glass of orange juice

Literally everything Angel never eats

He refused to leave until it was all eaten, sitting back in his chair and bribing Angel with the offer to tell him a story as he finished it

And so he does, weaving a vivid tale just like back in his radio star days, complete with voices and hand gestures

Never before had Angel and Charlie ever seen Alastor quite this engaged in something that wasn’t murder or chaos; instead spinning a yarn about a boy and his magical pig who helps him to find his lost twin sister

Angel is quite enraptured, naturally, having to be prompted to keep eating a couple times, and Charlie hangs back by the doorway, absolutely beside herself internally at what’s unfolding before her

Vaggie would no doubt try to convince her otherwise later, and she may just be a princess of hell, but she knows love when she sees it dammit!

Eventually, she can sense the story’s end coming near, and as much as she wants to hear it, she wants their story to begin more, so she quietly slips away and leaves them alone

The tale indeed ends and Angel swallows the last of the drink, both quiet a moment, looking at each other

“…. Where’d ya hear that one Al?”

“Hear it?”

“Ya know, where’d you get it from? Some old fairy tale book? A movie? It’s real good and I know Molly would love that it’s basically just like us, so if ya tell me where to find it I can-“

“Nowhere. I made it up.”

“You made that up!!? Just now!?”

a small chuckle “Yes, that is what storytellers do…”

“… For me?”

Alastor pauses at that, regarding him again

“I suppose… Yes, yes that one was just for you. About you, really… with some… embellishments,” he twirls a hand nonchalantly in the air before returning it to the other in his lap “Either way I’ve never told it to anyone before, if that’s what you’re after.”

And there’s that smile again, the one that Angel never wore before today, and the one that Alastor would find himself chasing every day since, whether he realizes it or not

Part Two:

The only downside to this is now Alastor will not leave Angel alone about his iron intake

Constantly asking him if he’s had anything substantial today, pushing juices and vitamins and most of all meat onto him, sometimes holding him hostage to watch him eat it

Angel would be flattered if it didn’t interfere with his drug and alcohol habit so much

“Al, geez let up wouldya!? I’m already in Hell, why do I gotta be HELLthy too huh??” a smirk accompanied that, despite himself

the radio demon sighs “As much as I appreciate a well-timed pun, I must insist” he taps where Angel’s nose would be on a normal face “I’m already well aware that you’ll never be ‘healthy’, but I’d take conscious as a consolation prize.”

“Really?? YOU prefer me conscious??”

“Don’t flatter yourself-” he scoffed faintly “I have a hotel to endorse, and you are it’s prized resident, my opinions on the matter non-withstanding. I can’t very well have the famed Angel Dust dropping like a fly at a moment’s notice over such a small thing as malnutrition. What kind of operation would this look like if we couldn’t at least keep on top of something as simple as anemia, hmm?”

For once, Angel had nothing to return fire with, since the last time someone gave him such a convincing speech about his well-being was his sister right before his death, and he really didn’t feel like putting anyone through that agony again

Not even Alastor

After that, Angel takes whatever food Al gives him in annoyed silence, but he still takes it

Though it’s getting harder and harder to remain annoyed when what Alastor gives him starts increasing in quality

At first it’s swiped energy bars or simply juice, but then progresses to sandwiches and fruit and deviled eggs and little spinach quiches and tortes and assortments of cheeses that can’t be easy to procure down here, even with Alastor’s influence

If you cornered him, Angel would never admit it, but he actually forgot how much he missed real food after being inebriated constantly, and Al’s little treats become the new highlight of his day

He’ll even stop using some of the harder drugs so he can better taste them

Charlie would never tell them for fear of the whole thing stopping on an embarrassed dime, but she’s so so proud of them both for this little secret transaction

Angel does start looking and acting better as a result, even though he still abuses alcohol and softer drugs and def keeps his sexual nature intact

But he’s less irritable and prone to lashing out, and his coloring is brighter and his hair sleeker

He also isn’t as tired as often and hasn’t fainted at all since the first time, just feeling overall stronger and more lucid

Which he can’t really complain about even though he wants to

Part Three:

The hotel even benefits from this, some small press circulating about Angel’s newfound constitution and attributing it to their work

In celebration, one night Alastor invites him to a proper dinner at one of Hell’s most famous fancy restaurants

One where the press could easily find them if they wanted

Angel knows this is just to show off his progress but doesn’t shy away from it- for once excited to eat out somewhere and not “eat out” if ya know what I mean

Besides, Alastor doesn’t seem that perturbed to be seen in public with him either, a rare development and not one to scoff at

They both dress up nicer than normal for it, making a big show as the hotel’s representatives, even walking in arm-in-arm

Angel is not immune to the certain type of looks they get as they arrive, and wonders if he should tell Al

Seeing the man with one of his more casual and less murderous smiles on as they take their seats convinces him not to

It would be a shame to get their outfits all bloody anyway

Especially since Angel decided to return to his drag look for the evening, complete with a new skintight velvet dress, feeling far fancier all dolled up than in any of his menswear

The glances Al gives him from time to time don’t hurt either, eyes noticeably lingering on his exaggerated chest fluff each time

Something Angel has no problem with, leaning forward and accentuating it more, resting his chin on a hand lightly to prop his figure up

Alastor orders for the both of them since he knows the place better, raving about their veal and venison dishes on the way over

Earlier in the year, this might have unnerved Angel more, knowing the demon’s penchant for savagery and carnage when it came to “hunting”, but now? He found it almost charming, that Al was so invested in the meat selection of Hell’s dining establishments that he even made his own ranking system for the best places to get each type of animal, who better prepared it according to cuisine, and how each cut measured up in quality

Angel took the liberty of perusing their liquor selection to create his own ranking system, just to be fair

Would be impolite to let Al do all the work on this date after all

….. wait…..

Date???

The fork clattering to the floor jarred Angel back to his senses, realizing his elbow had slipped abruptly from its perch at the very thought, almost in an allergic reaction to the word

Al only raised a controlled eyebrow at the flustered way Angel ducked down to retrieve it under the table skirt

Which is of course the very moment the paparazzi decided to start snapping their pictures

Alastor quickly spun around at the flashing lights, smiling dangerously at them and stopping some of the more cowardly photographers, but not quite enough

Angel, oblivious, continued rooting around for the fork, all the while inching closer and closer towards Alastor’s seat

“Angel!” Al hissed, finally reaching under and putting a hand on Angel’s hair to still him. Of course not making this look any better. “Sit up. Now.”

“Wait, but I almost got it Al-ahh!”

He was roughly pulled up by the back of his dress and sat up, hair mussed and face flushed incriminatingly, only making Alastor groan in defeat at some more camera snaps

It took half a second, but Angel suddenly understood, face blank in momentary shock

Alastor fully expected him to turn it into another lewd joke, brush it off and dig the hole deeper, most certainly at the expense of his own comfort

He quickly steeled himself for the impending barrage of innuendos and unwanted touching

What he wasn’t prepared for was Angel to suddenly leave the table, storming right up to the cameramen with the angriest look he’d ever seen on the spider’s face

“Ey ya parasites!! Let me see those!” he holds a couple of impatient hands out for their cameras, still fuming

Some actually comply out of complete shock, not at all used to Angel Dust getting mad about being photographed ever, especially over anything sexual

Angel proceeds to delete the photos off the first camera… then gets more and more frustrated when the pictures just wouldn’t stop coming. After a while, he just smashes the camera on the ground in a huff

“Fuck this it’ll take too long!” he points to the remaining paparazzi with intact cameras, still shocked and clutching them “Y’all are gonna delete every SINGLE photo you took of that little misunderstanding just now, alright?? Or else I’m gonna keep smashing cameras! Got it??”

They all nod and start deleting hurriedly

“And if ANY a ya think about gettin’ wise and leaking some anyway… well… let’s just say I had a much more deadly occupation than porn star when I was alive…” his face darkens at that, putting on his best godfathers voice to hit it home “And I ain’t afraid a comin’ out of retirement temporarily… Capisce?”

They capisce

He returns to the table with a resigned sigh and combs through his wig to tame it again, taking out a compact to fix his face

Completely ignoring the stunned absence of a smile on Alastor’s

Eventually Angel dares to glance at it and gives him an involuntary cringe

“Ah... Sorry Al…” he starts slowly, stowing the compact away again in his bosom and looking down chagrined “I know I went and made a scene in your favorite place and… and yer probably real mad and all an’… oh damn, Charlie’s gonna kill me if you don’t firs-“

“-Thank you.”

“W.. wait what??”

“Thank you…” Alastor repeated, if only to assure himself he was really saying it “I… it was… I never expected you to get mad…”

“Al?”

“I thought you’d let them… run with it” he waves a hand, explaining himself, somewhat awkwardly “Especially since it… it would help you. Your reputation. To be caught with the radio demon like… like that.”

The way his voice became so small on the last two words worried Angel much more than he’ll ever admit. The way you could hear the mortification behind his smile. He always knew Al was adverse to the act but never had he seen him actually terrified by it. Paralyzed by the stark realization of how close he came to becoming its subject… even if only as a rumor

It simply emboldened Angel’s resolve

the spider scoffed lightly “Well yeah… maybe if that’s what we had been doin’… or if you were into that stuff at all…”

“What?”

“I mean we weren’t even actually tryin’! I was just lookin’ fer a dumb fork for cryin’ out loud-!“

“No… no what about… me being into it?”

a pause, and then a one-shouldered shrug “Well it’s not the same thing as a payin customer is it?… Like you don’ even LIKE sex and stuff and… it’s different when it’s just us flirtin’ and bullshittin’ around at the hotel… I know you hate that too but at least there no one ain’t tryin’ ya capitalize on yer pain. Word never gets out. No one knows just how much I get under yer skin, so it’s almost like it never happened. But these pictures…” he waved both of his right hands in unison, motioning for emphasis “They’re permanent.. and they’d only be helpin’ my reputation while hurtin’ yours…”

Alastor just continues to stare

“A-and the hotel’s… of course…”

Finally a smile returns to his face, but with no hint of anything except appreciation behind it

“Of course…”

Part Four:

The rest of dinner went smoothly

Al had indeed picked well, and the dishes were some of the best Angel had ever tasted, other than his Momma’s cooking of course

When Al made a small chuckle at even that joke, Angel knew he must’ve done something right to land this far in the radio demon’s good graces

Though it could very well be the booze’s doing

Angel had insisted on ordering their drinks to compensate for the fiasco earlier, and had created specialty cocktails for each of them, based on what they ate

He was relieved when Alastor gave a small hum of approval mid-sip, downing a generous amount with an easy smile

And then finishing off three more with dinner

Both were quite full and loose by the time they finished, even getting a small tray of beignets for desert

They found they hadn’t even argued once, save for small asides and joking prods. But really arguing? Hadn’t even crossed their minds. Instead they bonded over jazz artists they both liked, reminisced about the 30′s while filling each other in on the decades they missed, talked a bit about their hometowns, and threw some mutual shade about residents of the hotel they couldn’t stand

Turns out they had quite a lot in common…

They paid on the hotel’s tab and finally headed out to the limo, only swaying slightly and linking arms again to subtly stabilize each other

This time the paparazzi was nowhere in sight, probably long scared off by now

Which is good since Alastor had suddenly removed his arm from Angel’s to pull him in around the waist, keeping the demon from tripping over a nearby curb by pressing him further into his side. Out of reflex, entirely.

After all, it’s not like he’d ever willingly choose to close their proximity. Just like he’d never willingly choose to notice the way Angel’s chest bounced softly against his, or how four hands grasping onto him felt oddly right, or how tempting the velvet hugging the curve of Angel’s lower back became under his fingertips

He’d only occasionally felt this way about accidental invasions of personal space before, and that fact did nothing to reassure him or his nerves

Nor did the pounding of his undead heart in his ears

Angel was also feeling the tension, but for a whole ‘nother reason

Drinks always made him more forward, and having a full belly for once numbed that urge into more of a simmering lust, cozy and comfortable and heavy

Getting tangled up in Alastor’s arms suddenly only made him want one thing

One thing he was telling himself desperately not to do

Which was real hard with Al’s face so so close to his, looking back at him with his own flush dusting along his cheeks and that smile still there, but slightly parted, waiting, hesitant of what it wanted to become but open to suggestions

Suggestions that Angel had plenty of

“You… you were about to trip… my dear…” Alastor finally explained in a hush, dipping a finger into the still water between them and rippling it quietly, grip on him still firm

“…. Ah…” slowly Angel righted himself, not moving away from him, but leaning on him less “That…. that sounds like me…” he offered a lopsided grin at his own joke, daring to look Alastor in the eyes again

Looking for what exactly, he wasn’t sure

And guessed he would never find out, seeing the moment vanish underfoot with the crunch of the limo’s tires, pulling up beside them

Alastor still offered him his hand though, helping guide Angel inside first, then sliding in after

Sitting at least one person apart, the drive begins in unsteady silence, neither exactly looking away but definitely not trying to confront anything either

That is until Alastor starts to fidget with his bow tie, inexplicably feeling very warm

Deciding to simply undo it entirely and redo it looser, he starts it out like usual, but his fingers can’t seem to find their footing and keeps losing track of the last few steps

On the third try, Angel sighs dramatically beside him

“Honestly Al…”

And just like that, the spider is making use of his extra arms and tugging the whole mess loose again, faces mere inches apart as he concentrates and deftly reties it in a perfect bow, which gently hugs the base of Al’s throat as his adam’s apple bobs with a nervous kind of grace

It ends far too quickly and now there is nothing left to keep them in this close… nothing Alastor can invent to explain away how Angel’s fingers linger on the edges of the fabric, or how he wants to undo more of his clothing just for those hands to fix him up again

So he does the only logical thing he can think of

The kiss hits Angel with a sort of intensity he wasn’t expecting, feeling himself pulled in by two gloved hands on his bare shoulders, touch light but not unsure, desperate but without any urgency, simply grounding them together in this moment

Their lips moved against each other’s slowly, mounting in a gentle exploration with Angel deferring to Alastor’s lead, his lower set of hands lightly resting along Al’s hips, asking permission at first until a soft moan granted him it

Eyes fluttering closed, the kiss deepened until it became a series of many, some opened-mouthed, tongues hinting at entering but never actually doing so, and all of them amidst small noises and panting breaths, desire simmering just under the surface of it all

Angel had never kissed like this… never thought to kiss like this… the boiling heat of lust kept at bay by a promise to just make out, to just keep it at another’s pace. All the while flushing his body with a white hot pulsing want that could only wait for someone else to grant it release?? Oh he could die all over again from this torture and would only beg for more. Never getting it being it’s own bittersweet reward

Alastor grappling meanwhile with why he suddenly wanted so very much as well, why, as he clung to Angel’s soft fur-lined skin and let their mouths dance relentlessly, he never once wanted to pull away. Never wanted to run and hide in the solace and safety of the self, was all too happy to let Angel’s hands cup and hold his hips and reward him with moaning sounds he rarely ever makes

His head was swimming in it, and he was oddly eager to let himself drown

Eventually they parted, breathless and slow but mutual, eyes opening again and glossily gazing at the other, searching for silent signs of yes, no, more?, sorry?, good?

“A-Al… I..”

Fingertips graced the speaking lips to silence them again, a small shake of the head a confirmation of no apology needed. “… That was… I liked that…” He offered, smiling small and gentle for once, an acknowledgement of how very rare this had really been. How nothing about this was usual, but not necessarily unwanted

Angel was now convinced he’d died twice

“You… yeah?” he smiled back, just as hopeful

Another nod, Alastor chewing words behind his closed mouth, clearly processing something

“… I don’t… I don’t want you to get… too excited but…”

Angel surprised him with his patience

“… I have kissed before. I… actually more than that as well but...” he shakes his head to keep himself on track before he loses his nerve “It’s not often. And it’s definitely not for fun… not for just… anyone.”

Angel hopes to heaven his smile isn’t too excited

a small exhale before continuing “What I’m trying to say is…. I can’t guarantee anything. I cant... predict how I’ll feel about more… or about everything. But I can tell you that I liked this. And… I’d like to do this sometimes… with you. If you don’t push me for more…”

Two hands held Alastor’s close to his chest, squeezing them once with an earnest smile

“I promise Al. I promise I won’t push… at least I’ll really really try. I know I’m shitty at self-restraint and I won’t lie, I’m fuckin’ pent up as shit right now…” his small chuckle was met with a slightly sarcastic eyebrow, feigning momentary annoyance “But… but I really liked that too. I ain’t never… I ain’t never felt this good after just makin’ out! I didn’t know I could…”

Alastor hums a bit in amusement, hands traveling from Angel’s grip to slide gently down the sides of the velvet dress he’s poured into “Well… seems tonight was a good one for a lot of firsts…” he watched Angel’s small shiver with some glee “Though I might just blame it all on this devilish dress…”

a breathless chuckle “Oh yeah, Al? You like it that much?”

“Yes…” no hesitation as he strokes small circles into the fabric with his thumbs, just over the start of Angel’s hipbones “I’ve always been partial to velvet…. and pretty creatures wearing it…”

Their second kiss lasted all the way home

[l3monsoda]

OK Listen Up

ALL THE SPOILERS AHEAD FOR STEVEN UNIVERSE OK SO LIKE JUST SKIP IF YOU HAVE TO

Also very long post I got lots to say here

First of all Freaking Called it so freaking long ago!

I FINALLY found time to watch A Single Pale Rose and listen folks, all yall just about driving me up a wall with your constant screaming “OH Worst plot twist ever boo!” and “This totally makes Rose the villain. Wahhh” and “She totally was a manipulative mastermind who selfishly and single-handedly orchestrated the entire gem war resulting in the death of thousands and endless suffering for all of our heroes! That devious dastardly monster!!!” 

Ok guys chill out for a second and hear me out ok? I think everyone is missing some very important already established aspects of Rose, and now Pink Diamonds character. I’m going break this down slowly so bare with me ok because I’ve got about the whole shows worth of points and evidence to go through here because honestly crewniverse has been building up to this since like day one.

First thing I want to get out of the way is those of you who are talking about how after this there is no way to reconcile the initial image of Rose Quarts as a kind all loving compassionate leader who only did things for the greater good everyone around her. To those folks; I have to wonder if you have been paying attention? Because guys Steven literally went through a whole arc about this already, Rose was not the perfect amazing flawless gem that the original cast of the crystal gems always made her out to be. She’s not supposed to be viewed that way by us anymore. All kids grow up and find out there parents aren’t perfect, Steven included. Rose had secrets, she lied, she stamped out rebellion within her movement and quickly buried the evidence. and this is just the obvious stuff that is told to us.

If you really want to know the real Rose Quartz you need to be paying really close attention to episodes where we see her through the eyes of not the gems but Greg. That is when Rose’s true characterization comes out and we start to get some real insight into who she was. The Rose Greg knew was sweet and silly but also lacking in something that I think was previously attributed to her by sheer virtue of being “good” empathy. Rose is compassionate, she is kind, she genuinely finds value in the uniqueness and wonder of life on earth but she can’t empathize with it. Rose’s perspective of understanding is completely limited to her own point of view, she is incapable of seeing it another way. We see it in the way she handles her relationship with Greg, the frivolous nature she approaches humanity as a whole, the callousness she puts toward the care of a baby. She appreciates and values human life but in the way a scientist watches ants build a colony. 

She thinks humans are cool and fascinating, fun to watch and they do all these silly and funny things that are so much fun be a part of. To understand how Rose views humanity look no farther than Pink Diamonds human zoo. On the surface it is benevolent and on a practical level it is paradise where nothing bad happens ever, an actual ant colony for what was no doubt an early exploration by Pink Diamond into humanity. This displays again a form of compassion with out empathy. Rose loves humans but she doesn’t connect with them, for her there is a barrier that she can’t bridge and it stems from a complete inability to put herself in another’s shoes. I like to think Greg helps with this somewhat in a way that no other human companion had, his empathy abounds and his patience to explain things to Rose both the world and his feelings seem to have helped them make some sort of progress, but honestly I have always suspected the whole Steven experiment was just Rose’s way of finally bridging the last step she never could, Rose can only truly understand what she has experienced for herself and so Steven was her way of finally understanding humanity once and for all. 

Now at this point you might be thinking “See Rose is a villain!” but I’m here to tell you no. Rose is not evil, Rose is selfish. Contrary to what generations worth of Disney films have been telling you, that is not an inherently evil trait. A lot of very compassionate and giving people are selfish. See selfishness is often coupled with greediness and while the two can exist quite harmoniously within the same person they don’t have to. To be selfish or self centered just mean that everything is usually viewed first and foremost through the lens of you. Your needs, your wants, what benefits you. But this doesn’t mean you can’t do nice kind things and also I’m of the opinion that it doesn’t some how negate the positive impact of that kindness just because it was done in part to benefit the doer as well. All through out history you have astoundingly humanitarian and kind acts being pursed for selfish reasons. As long as the selfish motivation doesn’t impeded the good detrimentally, as long as good gets done should we really care why?

The other thing we need to take note of is this, Rose and especially as Pink Diamond, is childish. She literally refers to her relationship with Greg as “Play”. Every action we’ve ever seen rose take that was not seen through the lens of the adoration of the Crystal gems or through the almost fairy tale like narrative sometimes given to us be Garnet we see Rose take with a note of levity and lack of seriousness that has always caused me to call into question her leadership capabilities. Now when we saw this trait in Rose it manifested itself as charming and sweet (Most likely Greg’s influence since it’s in his memories that when we witness the most flawed versions of the woman but she was still the woman he loves and therefore very much a still biased viewpoint) but when we meet Pink Diamond we see it’s far less endearing implications. It’s important to note that by Rose’s own words, gems do not grow up and change, they come into being as they are. This means that Pink’s diminutive stature and two year old like tendency to throw a tantrum are not credited to her lack of experience but more who she is as a character. At the core of who Pink Diamond and therefore by extension Rose Quartz is is a child who has been made to lead. This isn’t something she was liable to outgrow especially since there is all the emphasis on not only the flawlessness but also the unchanging eternity that is a diamond. A Diamond is forever.

So when we add these well established and known parts of the character up what are we left with? Well for starters we are most certainly left with a huge heap of a mess of a war and hurt and grieving parties on all sides that could clearly be traced back directly is the defiantly questionable choices of Rose Quartz. Though the blame game is such a silly waste of time since you could also say that the fact that the other Diamonds gave the clearly incapable Pink Diamond a colony in the first place was in pretty poor judgment, also no one made the diamonds corrupt all the gems on earth including their own soldiers, they were clearly going to abandon earth anyway, they could have just left and let the cluster do it’s work and so on and so forth.

Any way I agree Rose has a huge part of the blame in the amazing tragedy that was the Gem war but this prevailing opinion that it was all a carefully plotted masterful manipulation meant to hurt everyone and just let her do whatever she wanted without consequences is honestly giving too much agency to a character that as far I can see from what we’ve been shown was regularly just keeping her head above water while busily preforming “Fake it til you make it”.

Pink Diamond’s Story looks to me to be this, A child who was desperate to grow up. She wants to prove she is capable and strong and at first it manifests in a desire to run her own colony, then she gets one and falls absolutely in love with her planet with a childlike wonder and reverence that can only be achieved by truly childish entities. She tries to defend this new found bauble she has gained but the wheels for colonization are in motion and she’s just a child in spirit and overwhelmed so she reaches out to those who have always fixed it for her. They are not in agreement they poo poo her so she takes matters into her own hands but hides under a disguise to evade punishment from her elders. Suddenly growing up isn’t about colonies or running things but being able to have her own say in how she lives and what she believes in. It becomes clear the other diamonds aren’t going to “Let her be a DJ.” so she does what every child does when they don’t get their way, she runs away. Albeit running away in her case involved faking her own death cruelly conscripting her pearl to silence and adding even more fodder to the fire of the thousands year long gem war but children rarely think too far beyond the consequences of their own perspective.

Her desire to live among humans, her abject praise of all things new, her obsession with growing things, her fascination with all things on earth’s ability to change, and her constant encouragement to other gems to go ahead and become something new, to recreate themselves outside of the diamonds expectations this all fits in perfectly with this narrative. Rose is obsessed with growth and development, because ultimately it’s exactly what she wants for herself. She struggles with it due to a lack of empathy, she tries her best to be good and do right but the truth her perspective is so limited that her action often end up tone def. 

What’s most interesting about this character to me is that she seems to be self aware of this problem with in her. That one line in ‘We Need To Talk’ literally haunted the moment it aired. Greg cries out her barely even knows her and Rose grimly and resolutely responds with “That’s a good thing.” Actually do me a favor and go back and watch the whole scene because honestly it perfectly illustrates my empathy point too. But Rose KNOWS she done messed everything up, you can see her trying to form an understanding to do and be better but she just lacks the tools.

See I’m not on here trying to defend the viewpoint that Rose is a wonderful perfect all benevolent leader because honestly, it a stance that doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I’m saying she is someone who wants to do good thinks she is doing good but just falls short of the mark and she knows it. She tries to fix it with things like working to cure the corrupted gems and taking the time to really understand humans but even she knows it’s not enough.

This brings me to Rose’s final crime, leaving all of the consequences of her past to Steven. See in Rose’s mind becoming Steven was no different than killing Pink Diamond to become Rose Quartz. It was a natural progression and the final answer on how to grow up, how to understand humanity, how to be better. Steven has what Rose lacks in spades, he is arguably too empathetic. Everyone tells Steven when he’s kind that he’s like his mom but actually he like what his mom was trying to be but wasn’t. It didn’t seem wrong unfair or even cruel in Rose’s mind to leave the mess of her past to Steven because she was going to BE Steven. Rose thinks that by becoming Steven, this half human gem hybrid she’s actually at last gaining the means to clean up her own mess. We know that’s not at all the case but again this comes not from a malicious intent but a lack of perspective on Rose’s part. 

Rose just like every other character in this show is not one thing, she’s nuanced. Honestly it shouldn’t be all that surprising in show that’s done nothing but take the time to show us that sometimes there are no villains just a lot of different viewpoints and misunderstandings.

Sorry for the long post if your still here my god you have my sympathy and respect.

[fairmicrobe-blog]

Alancia

Chapter 1 and 2

You may not see another post regarding this story for a while, but progress is slow.

Don’t fret, more shall be written, like and give me feedback, also tell me if you would like to see some of my other stories, I have plenty.

Also, check out my Amino, it’s a wonderful place for Aspiring writers, and those who love to read.😊😊😊http://aminoapps.com/c/Writers-Help-Amino

Without further adoo, here it is.

Alancia

Chapter 1

Randy was only twenty years old, he had dirty blond hair and brown eyes, his face was slender and he obviously was very malnourished.

Randy pulled open a drawer from the wall, the interior of the drawer had a blue illuminating fabric that looked comfortable. The drawer was obviously big enough for Randy to lay in.

“Do you want to play, Alancia?” Fraya asked, the voice didn’t sound like you would expect a robot to sound, it was chillingly similar to a human’s voice. “Yes.” Randy replied eagerly.

“Please make sure all your limbs are in the console and keep you head down.” Fraya said after a moment.

After exactly five seconds the fabric started to cool rapidly, Randy didn’t notice this, he focused on the fabric that moved to touch his skin.

The fabric completely encased him, before solidifying instantly, Randy could no longer move, he felt slight unease.

The fabric froze, and Randy froze with it, immediately afterward, the drawer closed itself in the wall leaving only a small seam and a handle as proof of its existence.

Chapter 2

First Steps

Words popped up in front of Randy, they slowly scrolled up revealing more words as the others vanished slowly fading. “From the creators of Stanaria, Call to Arms, and Bognesh. In association with, Medieval Legends Gaming, we present.”

Everything went black for a moment before the music started to play and the title popped up. “Alancia.” The sound of lightning striking presented itself, and a Crack formed along the top right of the capital “A” before a ball of fire shattered all the letters from the left to the right.

The screen lit up with several different colors, it’s was obvious that it was part of the world he’d become familiar with. “Oh you’re finally awake.” A kind worried voice said eagerly.

Randy blinked a few times to try and focus his eyes. “What do you mean, finally awake?” Randy questioned in confusion.

“Oh, another one.” The voice said, clearly unhappily.

“What are you talking about?” Randy asked in retaliation, the room came into focus, it was mostly made from wood, but had some metal bindings that held the supports together, the roof leaked in a few spots, and it smelt horrible, but it was still a very calming place.

“Get out of my sick bay right this instant.” The lady said angrily as her arm shot towards the door and she pointed.

“What did I do?!” Randy asked, his voice cracking with anger and his face filled with surprise.

“Your little friend that came in before, stole from me! I will not have that happen again!” She spat, she was clearly enraged.

The lady had bright blond hair and blue eyes that seemed just as bright, but very deep. Her chin was slightly round but didn’t seem to still have baby fat, her eyebrows were thin and blond, her nose was small, but it complimented her pink lips, the only thing that wasn’t perfect about her in Randy eyes, was her attitude.

“My friend? I don’t even know where I am.” Randy stated in retaliation as he stood up from the bed.

Randy let go of the bed and instantly fell to the floor, the lady scrambled to catch him.

The ladies facial expression softened. “You must be one of those, what was it? Oh yeah, they call you newbies.”

(For those of you who don’t know, newbies is a term used in video games that describes a new player who doesn’t understand much about the game.)

Randy smiled, altho usually being a newbie was bad, in this situation it was a good thing. “Why can’t I walk?” He asked, slightly nervous about the coming answer.

“Well you’re thinking too much, in the so called “real world.” do you think about walking?” The lady asked.

“No, we just do it.” He responded as the lady sat him on the bed.

“Then don’t think about it, just do what you normally would.” She said

The ladies rage was only a memory by now, but Randy felt kind of fearful of this lady, he didn’t want to make any sudden movements, just in case it would set her off again.

Randy stood up again, and didn’t think about anything. Rather just did what he’d normally do, and sure enough he could walk and stand perfectly fine. “Uhm, miss?. Randy asked.

“Is something wrong?” She questioned as her brow slightly frowned.

Randy slowly stuck out his hand, he decided to be formal, he didn’t feel like pissing this lady off was a good idea. “Oh, no, nothing. I…” He thought for a brief moment. “I just thought it would be best for me to introduce myself.” He said awkwardly.

“Oh?” The lady questioned, she raised her right eyebrow unintentionally.

Randy stayed silent for a moment before speaking, he wanted to be sure he wouldn’t cut her off mid-sentence.

“Well?” The lady demanded impatiently as her brows started to frown once again.

“Oh, uh, sorry… I’m-” Randy said his name but a window popup silenced his voice.

What would you like to name your character? ___________________

Warning, voice command enabled.

The window asked in writing with a small box below for the username to be written in.

The window was transparent, Randy could see the lady glaring at him, he felt uneasy about the situation he was faced with and slightly cursed the programmers for this.

Randy hastily pondered for a moment as he felt the ladies heated gaze intensify, he very quickly typed in the name he wanted and a message popped up. TheLegend is already taken, try TheLegend4572.

Randy frowned, this situation was getting much worse as time passed, he didn’t want to keep this lady waiting. Randy thought hard before saying. “Close.” The window closed to reveal a clear look of surprise she on the woman’s face.

“Close?” She broke out in a fit of laughter as she asked the question.

Randy had a look of displeasure on his face. “That’s not the name I wanted.” He stated as he scowled at the lady.

The ladies face became serious. “Well you can’t change it until you reach what they call level 50.” She said.

Randy’s face filled with disbelief. “You can’t be serious.” He shot, his voice filled with mixed emotions.

“I am.” The lady stated before saying. “ And my name is ShadowBlade.”

Randy thought for a moment. “ShadowBlade?” He questioned in his head. “That doesn’t seem like a NPC name.” He thought.

(For those who are not familiar with the term NPC, it means non player character.)

Another window popped up saying.

New Skill Learned: Observe ————————————-

Description: When using observe you can see a player’s or NPC’s stats and level. Levels exceeding the limit of 10 above you will be unknown.

To use this skill, think “Observe.”

“Close.” Randy thought to himself, the window closed and Randy thought. “Observe.” Another window popped up, it was similar to the other, but was extremely different at the same time.

Observe Player Stats.

Name: ShadowBlade Class: Healer Lvl: ??? Hp: 200 Str: 15 Atk: 15 Mgc: 350 Def: 5 Int: 40 Det: 0 Agl: 55 Arts: 0 Stm: 5 Srt: 15 Cft: 0 Spc: 20 Stl: 0 Alc: 30 Lvl 10+ Abl: 42 (Resurrect) Ability Description: Can resurrect a player within 10.5 seconds of their death. Ability +1 every level

Randy raised his eyebrows in surprise without knowing. “What?” ShadowBlade asked. “You’re a player?” Randy questioned in response after closing the window.

Another window appeared but only stayed for a moment, it didn’t pop up like the other windows and it was much smaller, it also made a loud “Byoop” noise when it appeared.

Achievement Unlocked! Before Creation.

ShadowBlade stared at him, her jaw wide open. “How the hell do you know that!” She demanded angrily.

“I got this observe skill thingy.” Randy responded nervously.

A chat appeared in the bottom right corner of Randy’s view. Global Broadcast: Player Close has unlocked the achievement “Before Creation!” Send Them your regards!

The chat erupted into a fit of laughter, Randy walked over to a corner and assumed the fetal position on the floor.

Global Chat: GrimReaper: “Sorry everyone, the guild is temporarily CLOSED because of a CLOSE call. 😂😂😂” GrimReaper said in the chat.

ShadowBlade felt bad, she knew it was her fault that he was stuck with the name Close.

Global Chat: ShadowBlade: “Shut up, he probably made that name by accident, how would you like a name like that?”

The chat went silent for a moment, someone broke the silence with.

Global Chat: Frank: “OMG!!! IT’S THE LEGENDARY SHADOWBLADE!!!”

The chat went silent for another short moment, before exploding with several comments from various users.

Global Chat: Death: “SHADOWBLADE JOIN MY GUILD!!!”

Global Chat: YourMom: “ShadowBlade, wanna dungeon?”

Global Chat: Wraith: “Boss battle here shadowblade!!!”

Global Chat: Fred: “WE NEED A GOOD HEALER SHADOWBLADE JOIN OUR GROUP!!!”

The chat continued to explode with several more people damaging and asking ShadowBlade to help or join them.

Randy smiled as he got up. “do you want to help me? Maybe they will stop bothering you if you’re with someone else.” He asked nicely, he clearly had new found respect for her after seeing her do that for him.

ShadowBlade face filled with defeat. “It’s not that simple.” she sighed. “But it should cut down on the invites.”

“I will test your strength when you deal with your Stat points.” ShadowBlade said slightly glaring at him. She turned on her heels and left the sick bay.

Randy followed her and left the door, almost instantly he was in the actual world for Alancia, but instead of being able to do anything a window popped up.

No character design popped up, his character looked exactly like him.

Stats Appeal (Available at lvl 2) Character Name: Close Available Stat Points: 120

Hp: 0 Str: 0 Atk: 0 Mgc: 0 Def: 0 Int: 0 Det: 0 Agl: 0 Arts: 0 Stm: 0 Srt: 0 Cft: 0 Spc: 0 Stl: 0 Abl: 30 (Available after lvl 10)

Randy looked at the stats, he didn’t understand what any of it meant, the only portion he understood was Arts. “Arts it is then.” He thought to himself.

Stats Appeal (Available at lvl 2) Character Name: Close Available Stat Points: 0

Hp: 0 Str: 0 Atk: 0 Mgc: 0 Def: 0 Int: 0 Det: 0 Agl: 0 Arts: 0 + 120 Stm: 0 Srt: 0 Cft: 0 Spc: 0 Stl: 0 Abl: 30 (Available after lvl 10) Confirm? “Yes” “No”

The window closed after Randy hit confirm, and several other windows popped up in its place.

Randy growled. “Why is it doi-” His eyes widened as he realized what the first window was.

Arts Skill exceeds 20 You’ve mastered Karate Bonus +5 to Stamina, Attack, and Agility.

Arts Skill exceeds 40 You’ve learned Kendo Bonus +10 Damage with swords.

Art Skill exceeds 60 You mastered Kendo Bonus +20 Damage with swords.

Arts Skill exceeds 90 You’ve learned Jujitsu Bonus +10 to Defence, Intelligence, and Agility.

Arts Skill exceeds 120 You’ve mastered Jujitsu Bonus +20 to Defence, and Agility. Bonus +15 to Intelligence, and Attack.

Randy smiled happily as he closed the final window. “I’m going to be invincible!” He said happily as he thought to himself. “I hope this works… Stats!”

A window opened that displayed all of his stats.

Stats Appeal (Available at lvl 2) Character Name: Close Available Stat Points: 0

Lvl progress (0%)

Hp: 1 Str: 0 Atk: 15 Mgc: 0 Def: 20 Int: 15 Det: 0 Agl: 20 Arts: 120 Stm: 5 Srt: 0 Cft: 0 Spc: 0 Stl: 0 Abl: 30 (Available after lvl 10) Effect: Swords do +20 more attack than usual.

Randy closed the window to see another achievement popped up.

Achievement Unlocked! Strongest at my level

Global Broadcast: Player Close has unlocked the achievement “Strongest at my level” send them your regards!

Global: GrimReaper: Holy crap! You haven’t gained any XP and your stats are like that?!?!?! 😂😂😂 you suck!!!

Global: Sarah: He’s actually got amazing stats for a level one without any XP

Global: GrimReaper: Shut up, your stats are horrible!

Global: Sarah: Ignore this guy, he’s just a troll.

(For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, “troll” it means someone who’s just stirring up trouble and trying to get a reaction from others.)

A new window appeared in front of Randy.

Sarah has requested to join your party. Accept ■ Decline ■

Randy accepted and the window closed.

“Hello?” Sarah’s voice said directly into his head.

“Hello?” He asked in reply.

“How did you get your stats like that for level 1?” Sarah asked.

“Are you done yet?!” ShadowBlade asked as she glared at him.

“Yeah, someone’s talking to me now.” He responded.

“Do you know who I am? Don’t interrupt me!” Sarah yelled.

Another box popped up.

ShadowBlade has requested to join your party. Accept ■ Decline ■

Randy felt like hitting accept was a bad idea, but he did it anyway, after all, ShadowBlade was right beside him.

“Leave the party, we are about to duel.” ShadowBlade demanded.

“You leave! I was here first!” Sarah shot back.

“How do you control all these game functions?” Randy Asked hoping to loosen the building tension in the air.

A window popped up in front of Randy once again.

Player ShadowBlade has sent you a duel challenge. Accept ■ Decline ■

Randy accepted, his vision went black for a moment, and he found himself in an arena when his vision went back to normal.

Randy couldn’t see past the new window that had appeared after the old one had left.

Duel Arena. Description: After accepting a duel, you will be transported to the nearest arena, while fighting in the arena you will not gain experience towards your level or skills, you also won’t lose stats or experience if you die in the arena, if you are victorious you will gain 4 tokens towards fight tournaments.

Randy closed the window to see ShadowBlade standing in front of him. “I will grant you thirty seconds to take in the scenery around you before we start the duel.

A timer popped up at the top left of Randy’s view.

Duel starts in: 0.29m

Randy looked around carefully. “Chests?” He asked aloud.

“Yes, the chest will contain weapons and armour you can use to win the duel.” ShadowBlade replied.

The arena was beautiful, the luscious green vegetation and a small lake in the center of the arena, the arena border seemed to be the mountains in the distance.

“This is colossal in size.” Randy stated to ShadowBlade.

“I know it is.” She responded before pausing a moment. “I chose it.”

“Why this one?” Randy questioned.

“We will be sent to opposite sides of the arena when the duel starts, it will take a day for us to meet at the center. This means you will need to find materials to craft or create a fire, weapons will spawn in the chests, use arrows sparingly.” She stated.

“I can’t use armour yet.” Randy stated, his voice filled with defeat.

“Your level doesn’t follow you into the arena in here you-” ShadowBlade started but was cut off by the timer.

Duel starts in: 0.00m

Randy’s vision went dark again, what seemed like a moment later, he woke up wearing casual clothing, he slowly got up from the ground and looked around without moving.

“Where did I end up?” He asked himself as another box popped into view.

Sarah has requested to join your duel. Accept ■ Decline ■

Randy hit accept and the box disappeared.

After a moment two more boxes popped up.

Sarah has requested to for a Permanent alliance with you. Accept ■ Decline ■

Randy accepted the request, after all, he needed all the help he could get.

Sarah has requested to teleport to you. Accept ■ Decline ■

Randy accepted the request once again. “Why do I get the impression that this isn’t going to end well?” He asked himself as a flash appeared behind a massive tree in the clearing of the forest.

A woman poked her head out from behind the tree. “You wouldn’t happen to have extra clothing, would you?” She asked.