#and something in me broke and hasn’t recovered.

[thisblogisaboutabook]

Cowboy Like Me - Part 6

Azriel x Reader

Reader and Elain are forced to spend a little one on one time together. Mor whisks reader out for a night on the town. Azriel loses his shit during an incident at Rita’s and comforts reader afterward. A new boundary is crossed between Azriel and reader.

A/n: We’re coming into the home stretch with this story! It will only have a couple more chapters.

Part 5

Warnings: Alcohol, Language, mild violence, seizure, poisoning, mention (kind of) of drugging via alcohol

Elain’s garden was lovely. A labor of love that only countless hours of tending and getting hands dirty could cultivate. Her tension eased slightly as she shared details of the various flora blooming throughout.

Truthfully, I had no interest in gardening and most of the plant names went in one of my ears and out the other but her passion was captivating. There was something about listening to someone speak of their interests that I couldn’t get enough of.

As if she were a demure flower that came into bloom when she entered her space, she went from uncomfortable with me to genuine. I could see why Azriel had interest in her.

As we finished her tour of the garden, nobody had come to collect us and the awkwardness once returned.

Finally Elain looked to her feet and then back to me. “You and Azriel are a lovely pair.”

I started. “Oh no, we’re not together. It’s just an assignment.”

Elain thought for a moment beginning to say something but holding herself back.

And because I was nothing if not incurably nosey I blurted out. “It’s okay. You can say whatever it is you’re holding back. It won’t hurt me, Elain.”

“It’s not like that.” She spoke softly. “Just be careful. Not with him, he is a good, honorable male. But I am a seer. It was one of the powers thrust upon me by the cauldron and I’ve seen something that I don’t understand. A mangled skeleton in a tunnel with you…. And threads of gold flowing from the opposite direction.”

I paled. What an ominous thing to say. “My visions are strange and I don’t understand how to decipher them just yet. I don’t want to alarm you. Please,” she took my hand earnestly, “just be careful.”

I squeezed her hand in return. Who was I to make the female before me feel uncomfortable for sharing something she clearly still struggled to speak about. She had no reason to be kind to me. I was a stranger, a spy, in close proximity to someone she had or perhaps still did have feelings for. And yet, I could feel she was being genuine. So I met her eyes sincerely, “Thank you, Elain. I’m happy to have met you.”

We chatted for a few more minutes, nothing of substance, just contented small talk.

Eventually Rhysand came to the garden, Azriel behind him looking uncomfortable. “Thank you for your patience, ladies. Amren can get rather cranky when she hasn’t had her nap. Please excuse her…. brazen ways. It makes her a great second, but an occasional pain in the ass at dinner.”

He gestured to the female beside me, “Thank you for showing our guest your garden, Elain.” before turning to me. “Y/N, please join Azriel, Cassian, and I in my office.”

Rhysand turned back toward the house, Azriel lingering behind to wait for me. I felt his gaze as we wandered through a corridor of the massive estate. I felt awkward after the earlier encounter, not quite sure what to say. It was Azriel who broke the silence as he slowed his pace. “Y/N…”

I looked up to the male towering over me. His wings were tucked in tightly behind him as his shadows whirled around our feet. “You look so much more than nice. You’re resplendent.”

My face heated in a blush and a flicker sparked in those hazel eyes. Oh, he knew that effected me and was proud of recovering from his earlier stumble.

“Thank you, Azriel.” I reached toward his tunic. “You clean up quite well yourself.”

It was his turn to blush now. I jerked my head toward the High Lord now several yards ahead of us. “We best catch up with him.”

“Yes, of course.” He extended his arm as I looped mine through it.

Rhysand’s office was less of an office and more of a library. In fact, I am pretty sure that I’ve seen smaller libraries in my travels to the Day Court. “What an impressive collection” I marveled at the grand room surrounding us that was both warm and elegant. A lovely painting of the High Lady hung behind his desk. I wondered if she painted it.

“She did.” Rhys spoke into my head. “Lovely, isn’t she?”

“The loveliest” I mused wistfully. She truly was. “Hey, now get out of my head.”

He held his hands up in a show of innocence before mentally replying “No mind reading here. It was easy enough to read on your face, little spy. Nice to know all I need to break a spy is my beautiful mate.”

I only giggled in return. I liked him. I had heard rumors that he was a much more benevolent ruler than he let the world see but hearing it versus experiencing were two totally different things.

Azriel’s low voice interrupted and brought me back to reality “I’d love to be included in whatever you two are going on about.”

Whoops. Busted.

“Yeah, guys.” Cassian’s booming voice came from the doorway. “Secrets don’t make friends.”

“They do keep my pockets lined though.” I replied without thinking. Probably not in my best interest to make such jokes after Amren’s display at dinner.

To both my surprise and lack of it, Cassian laughed. “Touché, little spy.”

Rhys placed his palms on the desk, eyes fixating on a letter before lifting his head back to us. “We have new information on the infiltrated shipments. A trace amount of the same poison that had laced the spices imported to the Summer Court were detected in one of Beron’s vaults. Not enough to damn him but enough to suggest we are looking in the right direction.”

“Who relayed this intel?” Azriel asked.

“Who do you think?” Cassian goaded, earning an eye roll from his brother.

I cut in “It was Eris, right? Are you sure he can be trusted?”

“I trust him far more than Beron and he hasn’t led us astray yet.” Rhys replied. “I see no reason not to believe him at this point in time.”

“Now,” Rhys continued. “Here’s where things get interesting. Beron will be attending the ball next week. Eris will be there as well and I’ve contacted Lucien. He was hesitant to show given his history with his father but with Elain in attendance he plans to join.”

Azriel gave no response, physical or verbal, to the mention of Elain. He only continued listening intently. “Lucien was concerned about Elain given Beron being there but she has made it abundantly clear to Feyre and I that it is her choice to go.”

“Is it necessary for her to attend?” Cassian asked.

“Once again, it is her choice. She had a vision leading me to believe Beron has something planned and that was before Eris confirmed that Beron is attending the ball and of the traces of poison he had discovered.”

“Shit.” Cassian muttered.

“Azriel, I need you and Y/N to stay here in the event that anything urgent comes up. Y/N, would you be comfortable staying in Velaris for the time being? You can stay at the House of Wind with Nesta, Cassian, and Azriel and train with Nesta in the mornings.”

As if I would be sad to stay in a gorgeous city and not in a giant palace in the middle of nowhere with only one grumpy Shadowsinger for company. Okay, the last part wasn’t so bad. He wasn’t that grumpy… and he was rather pleasant to look at it.

Rhys waited patiently for an answer. “I am at your disposal, High Lord.”

———————

Upon reentering the main living area, I was greeted by an eager Mor. “What would an evening together be without a little Amren drama?” She clung to my arm guiding me toward a liquor cart, pouring us each a glass of Cognac served neat. “Cheers to surviving your first family dinner!”

Azriel only huffed. “We should get to the House of Wind. It’s late and we have to train in the morning.”

“Oh no you don’t.” Mor gripped my arm tightly.

“Don’t even think about it, Mor.” Azriel warned.

“My gift is truth. And the truth is that Y/N has not experienced Velaris until she’s had a night out at Rita’s.”

Azriel kept his stance. “Well she’ll be here for at least a week longer. We’re going to stay at the House of Wind until the ball.”

Mor squealed. “Oh, we are going to have so much fun!”

“She’s still here for work, Mor.” He reprimanded

Her brows knit together “And? What does that have to do with anything? There’s plenty of time for work. Now, let’s play.”

I wasn’t about to get into this battle of wills between Mor and Az but the idea of a night out was appealing. I’ve never had a night out for just fun. It was always for work, always. I wanted to feel music and lose my myself for a bit, but… Azriel did have a point. It was getting late and we did have to train tomorrow.

The blonde waived a hand dismissively. “Azriel. You work too hard. You’ve been wound tight for months now. You need this just as much.”

He scoffed. “My idea of an enjoyable night out isn’t babysitting my belligerent best friend and one of my spies.”

“Excuse me?” I chimed in. “One: you don’t have to babysit me. Two: I’m a spy for hire, not one of your spies.”

And with that, I could have sworn hurt flickered across his stoic features before regaining his composure. “Do what you want then. I’m not going out.”

“Fine.” I stated. “I’m going with Mor.”

“For fucks sake.” He muttered under his breath.

Mor again squealed. “Come on! Let’s change.”

———————-

I wasn’t sure why Mor insisted on changing when the dress I had been wearing was perfectly suitable for a night out, but who was I to fight the determined female? I saw how far it got Azriel who had known her for 500 years. There was no way that I would win that battle with her.

So, I found myself at Rita’s a lively bar with even livelier music in a much too short, skin tight dress, high heels, and an obscene amount of cleavage.

Cassian and Nesta came along as Nesta loved the music though she did not drink.

And Az thought he would have to babysit when Nesta was right there?

I would obey any command the silver eyed female gave me. Any command. Cassian was a very lucky male.

Rita’s was far more lively than I anticipated, nothing like the taverns I had frequented where a sole piano collected dust until a passing bard came through to warm the keys for tips. No, this bar had a stage dedicated for instrumentals and singers with sultry voices. The drinks were far from the stale and shitty varieties of ale I was used to. While there were plenty of bottom shelf options, Mor ordered everything from the top, and I gladly indulged.

We did several rounds of shots before Mor pulled me onto the dance floor. Nesta following with Cassian in tow. Round of drinks were served to us in between sets and I completely lost myself to the music. I took turns writhing against Mor and Nesta, which Cassian did not mind ogling in the slightest. Nesta only gave him a sultry smirk before losing herself to the music again.

A few males tried getting close to us but Cassian’s big scary “Lord of Bloodshed” face drove them off. Fortunately for them.

I had a feeling that if they slipped past his harrowing gaze, Nesta would happily eat them alive. Just to reiterate, Cassian is a very lucky male.

The liquor continued flowing and my head felt light in the best of ways. A lightness I’d experienced so few times over the years. I knew I was a sight, we all were. Nesta’s curves were stunning in anything, and Mor and I… well we had enough on display for anyone to appreciate.

Eventually Rhys and Feyre came into the bar, seemingly having left Nyx with Elain for the rest of the night. They were a sight together, the moon and stars, so effortlessly captivating.

Feyre joined us out on the dance floor as tendrils of darkness swirled around the booth Rhysand sat at, his white teeth shining through as an amused grin crossed his face.

Maybe if I’d looked closer I would have noticed that those weren’t tendrils of darkness at all but shadow that surrounded the booth.

Mor was drawn into dance with a beautiful female as Cassian took reprieve to visit Rhys in his booth and Nesta and Feyre took to chatting with eachother in a corner. The perfect moment to sneak away and indulge in one more drink.

I approached the bar, fighting through a crowd of bystanders to place another order. After three attempts to catch the bartenders attention, a pretty male appeared next to me with that classic High Fae beauty and he was so, so tall. “What do you want?” He asked. “I’ve got you.” And in a normal circumstances would have insisted I am a strong, independent female perfectly calable to order my own drink but honestly…. My inhibitions were low enough that I was happy to accept the feat of a beautiful male buying me a drink.

I yelled my drink order to him over the crowd to which he raised an eyebrow then threw a long arm up in the air with two fingers and a gold mark. Ah, money, great attention getter. It was only a moment before the bartender made his way over to take his order. The bartender opened a new bottle of the liquor from the shelf. Not a high end liquor but not totally bottom of the barrel either. Something that said I’m a classy lady but also considerate of the fact that someone else is paying for my drink.

The bartender slid the drinks over to which the male handed me mine, gave a cheers, and invited me for a dance.

One dance wouldn’t hurt.

He stayed close to me but remained respectful. His hands not drifting anywhere above or below mid-waist and keeping a few centimeters of space between our bodies.

As I became more comfortable with the stranger and the music became a bit more seductive, I leaned back into his warm chest. It was nice, comfortable, but my eyes began to grow heavy and my limbs a bit more lucid. My motions became slower and I felt myself slumping a bit. The male noticed too because he peered around me. “Hey. Hey, are you-“ and suddenly shadows surrounded us and a low, gravely voice spoke. “Step away from my lady.”

I heard the male gasp beginning to speak, letting go of me as Azriel’s large, strong hands caught me, not letting go until I steadied. “Wait, I wasn’t-“ he didn’t finish the sentence before Azriel’s fist met the males face, hard.

“Fuck!” The male shouted as Azriel shoved him further away from me and it was then that I fell to the floor, darkness overtaking me.

——————

When I came to it, I was in an unfamiliar bed. A warm fire glowed in a large stone fireplace before me and a few stars still interés in the sky outside. Pain radiated through me shooting from my stomach and throughout the rest of my body. I tried to sit up but immediately needed to throw up.

Suddenly a scarred hand passed a bucket to me. “Here, here take this.” I gripped my hands onto it and heaved. A warm hand helped keep me sitting upright, thumb running soft strokes over my back as another held my hair back.

“Holy shit.” I gasped before heaving again. “I’m never drinking again.”

“Not a bad idea.” Azriel spoke, no hint of amusement in his voice. “But drinking wasn’t the sole factor.”

Pain radiated through my skull. “What do you mean?”

Then a flashback ran through my mind of shadow and Azriel’s fist meeting a males face.

Fuck, how could I have been so stupid! “That male. He…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. “Did he-?”

Azriel looked down to his feet before taking the bucket back and handing me a cup of ginger tea.

“Look, I…” shame darkened his features. “My shadows sensed something was wrong. I saw you slumping in his arms and I acted before realizing.”

My brows furrowed, lips drawing into a straight line. “I still don’t understand. What do you mean, Azriel?”

“No, he didn’t do anything wrong. For what it’s worth, he seems like a decent male. But after you fell, I ran to you. I shouldn’t have stepped away from you in the first place. You began seizing, Y/N. It fucking terrified me. Cassian apprehended him before the same thing happened to the male. He lost his steadiness, fell to the ground, and began seizing as well.

I immediately took you to Madja who examined you, induced vomiting and provided tonics to counteract the symptoms. “What happened to me?”

Rage. Icy rage crossed his features. “You were poisoned. Mor came and stayed by your side while Madja worked on you. Rhys, Cassian, and I were able to question several people at Rita’s. It turns out that soon after you fell ill, a few others came down with the same symptoms. It was the liquor that had been poisoned. We spoke with the owner of Rita’s who checked their logs and the bottle of liquor you were last served from had been imported around the time that the rogue shipment landed in the summer court.”

“Fuuuck.” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I overreacted. I thought he hurt you. And when i considered his intentions….”

His hands flexed and a light hint of silver lined his eyes. “Fuck, I just lost it.”

“Is he okay?” I asked. “Yes, once the tonic took effect for him. I was able to apologize and he was forgiving. Very decent of him given that if the roles were reversed… I didn’t deserve the forgiveness.”

“What about the other patrons who were poisoned?” I asked. “Is everyone okay?”

Azriel’s shadows whirred angrily. “Fortunately. Madja and her staff were quick and everyone will recover.”

His hazel eyes met mine sympathetically, “but it may take a full day for the effects to fully clear from your system. It won’t be a pleasant process.”

Given the pain and nausea within me, I was dreading the next several hours. Looking down, I saw that I’d been changed into an oversized t-shirt and men’s boxer briefs. I looked to Azriel with a raised eyebrow. “Your doing?”

The male blushed, blushed for the second time in less than twelve hours, and I couldn’t repress the small grin that came to my lips. “Nesta helped you into these. Your dress was covered in vomit. And Nesta may dress somewhat modestly in public but she has preferences in her nightly attire so it was either my clothes or a night gown that left very little to the imagination.

Mor is going to bring you some of the clothes you bought yesterday and some of hers after she gets a few hours of sleep. I’ll retrieve clothes from the Moonstone Palace once you’re better.”

Had he forgotten that I was only wearing clothes from the guest armoire there? “I know they aren’t yours but they suited you. Night Court attire suits you.”

I remembered the cobalt blue outfits I wore around the palace. Cobalt blue like…. Oh my gods, his siphons.

It was my turn to blush.

“You should get some more rest, Y/N.”

“Fine.” I sighed. A fevered chill running through me that even the warm bed and fire couldn’t suppress.

He started as he saw the shivers overtake me, goosebumps appearing on my arms.

“Azriel?”

“Yes?” He asked cautiously.

“Will you lay with me? I’m cold.”

And that was the first night I slept in the arms of the Shadowsinger.

———————

Azriel

He sat beside her bed for hours, heart lurching at any stir in her sleep. Had he just gone out with them in the first place, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe it would have been him holding her against his chest on the dance floor, maybe she wouldn’t have wandered off for that last drink.

When she seized on the floor, he felt his soul leave his body. He’d never known such panic in his life, not when his brothers held fire to his hands, not when he saw Mor in that field, not even when Elain had been captured by Hybern. He was always able to master himself in times of distress. But he knew that this time was different and if it weren’t for the adrenaline rush that overtook his senses in rushing her to Madja, he would have been hyperventilating on the floor next to her, he was certain of it.

So when she finally awoke and asked meekly if he’d sleep with her, there was no other option. She felt so right in his arms. As her breathing evened out, sleep once again overtaking her, he quietly whispered into the night, to himself, to her sleeping form, to the gods, anyone who would listen. “Never again.”

His shadows hummed in agreement.

Never again would he leave her when he knew she wanted his company. No, she didn’t say it out loud, but he felt it somewhere deep within his chest. Never again would he let someone bring harm to her, and if they did, he wouldn’t let them get away with it. Never again would his little spy feel alone in this world.

With that he softly brushed his lips across her temple. A seal of a vow. A silent show of adoration.

And he could have sworn he felt a little flutter in his chest as her lip quirked upward in her dream state.

————————————————

Tags: @fxckmiup @saltedcoffeescotch @minnieoo @dr4g0ngirl @thebeautifulmysteriesoflife

Sorry for the delay with this chapter!

[last-herondale]

Almost pt. 4

Bucky Barnes x femreader!

/ Steve Rogers x femreader!

Angst, heartbreak, fluff

Warnings: bit of swearing

AN: helloooo next part is out! I’m excited to see where this series goes!!! Honestly I love Bucky and Steve so this is fun 😆

Enjoy 🤘🏼

The physical pain took a couple of weeks to heal. Steve was a steady nurse, changing out your bandages every few hours until the cuts seemed healed. Whatever the poison was, it had done deep damage to your body. It took you a week to regain the use of your muscles. Sam checked in now and again as Steve helped you recover. He was keeping recon on the Hydra base, watching for any new movements since your blunder with the trap, but since then there had been nothing new to report. They both agreed that the mission would be on standby until you were back to full health. Steve had nearly had you shipped out back to New York to recover, but a frantic panic of yours seemed to change his mind.

While you were confined to the safehouse, Steve hardly left your side. It was nice to be taken care of for a change. It was something you weren’t used to. Something you didn’t know how to process. He was patient and kind, even though you felt that you didn’t deserve it. You had fucked up. Big time. Nearly blew the mission with your recklessness and now it was being pushed back to accommodate you. While you would have been content to wallow in your pity, Steve would not allow it.

He pushed you to do your physical therapy everyday, cooked for you, helped you in and out of the shower in the most respectful way he possibly could. He made sure you took your medicine when you needed to. He was attentive to your every need.

When you were finally able to speak clear and full sentences again, one day while he was changing out your bandages you felt a sudden burst of emotion escape your lips.

“Why are you doing this?”

Steve ignored you for a moment, finishing off the last bandage on your left arm before he finally looked up at you with an unimpressed look.

“Because you’re injured and need help, now hold still while I-“

You snatched the bandages out of his hands with your other arm and glared at him defiantly.

“Why. Are. You. Doing. This?” You asked again, your voice becoming stern.

“Doing what exactly?” Steve asked, just as irritated, “Making sure you don’t die?”

“Why are you being so… nice to me? I’ve been on missions with you before, and whenever other people get injured-“

“Are you saying I don’t help my team?” Steve challenged.

You looked him square in the eyes and set your jaw tightly. “Not like this.”

There was a flicker of movement in Steve’s mouth. You knew you had hit a nerve there. While Steve was a great leader, the best probably this world would ever see, he never was this attentive to his injured teammates. When Barton had his side blown off during Ultron’s attack, he did not play bedside nurse for him until he was better. So why here? Why now?

He must have seen that you weren’t going to give up so easily. He sighed.

“I’m doing this because of Bucky.”

You felt your chest go cold.

“He told you to—“

“He hasn’t told me to do anything.” Steve interjected quickly, almost to save himself from saying the wrong thing, “He doesn’t even know what’s happened here, no one but Tony does. No, I’m doing this because of what you did for him.”

“Then why–”

“If you’d just keep quiet for a second, I will explain!” he said, oddly flustered. You had never seen Steve Rogers, fucking Captain America, get flustered. You sat back, crossing your arms and mimicking locking your mouth. He sighed again and drew on hand through his hair.

“Look, I’m not clueless, okay? I was there when Bucky and Nat broke up. I know what he went through after that… what he turned into once she walked out of his life. And I know you and Nat are friends, and I know you might take her side on the matter, but Bucky is my best friend, okay? So I saw what went on behind the scenes too from the other side.

“Neither of them were good for each other. What they had wasn’t healthy. It was toxic and strained and fueled by lust. When that fizzled out it was bound to fall apart.”

You were surprised by the information that Steve knew. Not that you thought that he was clueless, but you didn’t think that Bucky had shared that information with him. It made you feel a bit stupid. Of course he would tell his best friend. Maybe the idea of being the only one Bucky confided in had made you feel special, but now your ego deflated a bit.

“I tried to be there for him at first. Admittedly, I know very little about relationships and breakups. I didn’t know how to be there for him, and he wasn’t going to be truthful with his feelings because that’s just Bucky, stubborn as always. So it was easy for me to tell myself that he was okay, and let him handle things the way he needed to. He has been through so much already, who was I to tell him how to live his life?

“But then you started to show up more and more and he began to get better. I couldn’t explain how or why. I thought maybe that you two had been… together as his rebound, which I now know is not the case!” Steve said a bit sheepishly.

“I didn’t do anything,” You mumbled, “I just hung out with the two of you on the weekends.”

“Cut the shit. I know you stayed with him whenever I would tap out early. I know you would go babysit him whenever he got too drunk and in his feelings to distinguish what was real or fake. You were there for him when I wasn’t. You cared for him when he wouldn’t have the decency to care for himself, and you never belittled him for it. You cannot sit there and tell me that was nothing.”

You drew your mouth into a hard line. You remained silent, and Steve just sighed again and continued on.

“Just answer me this, and answer me honestly. Do you think Bucky is a broken man?”

You froze. That was something Bucky had said that night on the balcony. “She is broken, like me.” There were a lot of words that came to mind when you thought about Bucky, but broken was never one of them.

“No,” you whispered, “He is not broken. He is hurting, and he is stupid, and he is so irritably stubborn that it drives me insane… but he isn’t broken. He thinks that there is some part of him that is irredeemable. That he doesn’t deserve good things to happen to him in his life and it breaks my heart…”

You were crying again, but you didn’t care. Trying to hold back everything you felt for so long had taken all the strength you had. And now you were the weakest you had ever been. You looked to Steve, wondering if he saw you as a crying mumbling mess, but instead he pulled you in for a gentle hug. His large muscled arms comforted you in an embrace that seemed to warm you down to your bones.

“I’m sorry,” Steve whispered, “I see how much you love him, how much you care for him. I feared that he would push that love away, that he would hurt you during his time of pain. I wish I could make him see just how special you are.”

Steve’s words hit the tender nerves of your soul and you sobbed against his shoulder. He caressed your hair and held you tighter as you shuddered and cried against him. You felt ridiculous, crying like a helpless baby, but Steve just murmured comforting words and held you securely in place.

“It hurts… I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost myself in him… and he doesn’t want me. It’s stupid, it's so stupid… I feel so…empty. I shouldn’t have come on this mission. I’m so…sorry Steve. I’m sorry.”

Raw emotion cut through you as you were a blubbering mess. Steve just held you through it, not judging you or reprimanding you. He was calm, he was gentle, and he was patient. He kept telling you how good you were, how big your heart was. It was strange to be in this position. To be the one being reassured, to be the one being built back up. His words calmed your soul. You don’t remember falling asleep in his arms, but you woke up with him on the couch, his arms still wrapped around you as his head was tilted back on the couch.

You watched him a bit as he slept, not daring to move or stir him awake. You felt warm and safe in his arms. It was nice. He was beautiful, that you could not deny. His features were soft and gentle in his sleep. The rising and falling of his chest was even and steady. You slowly placed your head on his chest, listening to the even beating of his heart as you let yourself fall back asleep. For the first night since you had left New York, you did not dream of James Buchanan Barnes.

~

The next morning you were up, making sure to carefully untangle yourself from Steve’s embrace. He was still asleep when you started making breakfast. It wasn’t until the bacon started sizzling in the pan that you heard him grumble from the couch and pick his head up.

“Good morning,” you greeted, a soft smile on your face.

“Morning,” Steve said as he rubbed his face, “You look better.”

“I feel great, honestly.”

You fixed him a plate of bacon, eggs, toast, and a cup of coffee as he came to sit down at the small wooden table. He gave you an awkward smile as he took a sip of his coffee. You sat down next to him, a cup of coffee in front of you and a slice of toast. The medicine that you were on made you have a low appetite, but you didn’t mind making breakfast for Steve. You thought that it was the least you could do after everything he did for you.

The two of you chatted a bit while he ate his breakfast. He updated you on the situation with Hydra. Sam was able to infiltrate the base on his own, undetected, in the middle of the night. He stole their plans to ship out large quantities of the poison that had afflicted you. The shipment was planned to ship out to the states in a months time. Steve relayed this mission to Tony who suggested sending his own bots in to take care of it. Meaning you would be going home soon.

“Thank you for taking care of me, Steve,” you said softly as he finished his meal. He gave you a soft smile and just shrugged a bit.

You took up his plate and put them in the sink and tidied the kitchen as he went to take a shower. You packed your things, folding up your gear and clothes into your small pack. Steve had done your laundry for you while you had been indisposed. You smiled. It was such a small thing, but so many small things that Steve had done for you over the past few weeks had seemed to heal you in ways that you never thought you would heal from.

You felt a warm sensation in your chest.

You heard him come out of the bathroom. He was shirtless, with a towel draped around his neck as his blonde hair still dripped. “Showers open,” he said as he stepped into the room.

You faced him, gazing at him as you watched a few drops of water fall down his chest. You felt your face grow hot, and stumbled a bit as you tried to step past him. He caught you by the elbow and pulled you up, holding you a bit close to him as he chuckled.

“How many times am I going to have to catch you before we—“

You don’t know what came over you. What made you think that this was okay? All you know is that you leaned forward and kissed Steve gently on the mouth. His eyes widened in surprise, and the shock of it made you immediately pull back.

“I’m sorry— I shouldn’t have—“

But he had put his hand under your chin. His blue eyes searched yours a moment, in an incredibly soft and tender way. It made your stomach jump the way he looked at you now. As he leaned in again, slowly, allowing you to push away at any moment you wanted, you could smell the scent of his shampoo as his lips returned to yours.

He was soft and gentle. His hand wrapped around your waist, pulling you a bit closer to him. He broke off for a second, his eyelids were half closed as he searched your face.

“Tell me to stop,” he murmured, “If you don’t want… if this isn’t something you are comfortable with…”

You raised up on your toes to reach his level and kissed him again. You let your hands wrap around his neck and tangle into his wet hair. Steve let out a pleased sound, and his strong hands lifted you from your waist and held you closer to him.

You thought that this would feel wrong. That kissing Steve would ruin everything between you. You thought maybe he would be angry with you, for kissing him after confessing your love for Bucky just the night before. But here he was, kissing you, murmuring your name as he carried you over to the bed in the room.

Had he really done all he did this week for bucky's sake? Or was there something else? Some other reason why he had been so keen on taking care of you? Your mind tried to process these questions, but the feel of Steve’s mouth on your neck quickly shoved those thoughts away.

He broke apart long enough to lock eyes with you. He was over you on the bed, his eyes a bit wild as he looked at you. Your chests heaved together, his bare and shiny from the water.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked.

The only response you gave, was a gentle nod of your head as you let your hand gently scrape down his bare chest. He gave a shaky breath and shook his head.

“You will be the death of me, you know that?”

All other conversation fell away. All other feelings and thoughts and memories disappeared. There was only you and him. And for the first time in a while, you felt whole.

Part 5

[half-oz-eddie]

PTSD tw

Billy hasn’t driven since he was freed from the mind flayer's control. He couldn’t stand being that…thing’s chauffeur, driving and driving, going nowhere. Every time his hands touched the steering wheel of a car, he felt like he was going to be transported into some hallucination Hell and be tortured once more.

So. No more driving for now. Steve understood. Billy enjoyed the comfort of the passenger’s seat far more these days.

After their romantic date night at home, Billy offered to do the dishes. He reminisced about the kisses they shared during the movie, and the kisses that would come soon after he finished cleaning up.

But as he was washing his plate, the back and forth motion as he scrubbed the rim was reminiscent of turning the steering wheel of his car.

He could hear it again.

That terrible mocking voice.

Please love me, please love me, please love me...

Billy was frozen in place, his mind stuck in the dreadful darkness of that terrifying hallucination. He felt like the mind flayer had somehow regained control of him.

His body felt stiff, he clenched his jaw as the words rang in his head over and over again.

Please, someone find me…

His arms began to tremble and his strong hands gripped the plate for dear life, snapping it in half.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” A voice shouted from a close distance, dragging him out of the horrifying memory. “Babe, you okay?” Steve asked worriedly as he approached, taking the shards of glass from Billy’s bloody hands.

Billy's confused eyes fell onto the broken plate and hands dripping blood. “Shit. I’m…I’m sorry. I know you loved this plate set.”

“Ah, it’s no big deal.” Steve replied, tending to the small nicks on Billy’s hands. “I bought them for you.”

“Me?” Billy raised a brow.

Steve reached over into the sink and grabbed 2 pieces of the shattered plate. “Yeah, cause, y’know…” He pieced them together like a puzzle. “The design looks like the ocean.”

Billy snorted. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Well it doesn’t anymore because you fuckin’ broke it.” Steve teased with a smile.

“It never looked like the ocean.” Billy playfully argued.

“Yeah, okay…” Steve laughed. “I dunno, I haven’t seen the ocean in awhile.”

“Maybe we can go sometime.”

“I’ve been wanting to go on vacation with you for months,” Steve explained as he dragged Billy along, leading him to the bathroom “but you were recovering, I was recovering and then the topic just…never came up again.” Steve took some bandages out of the medicine cabinet, smiling widely. “Until now, that is.”

Billy watched lovingly as Steve tended to the cuts on his hands.

“There. All patched up.”

“Thanks, Doc.” Billy smirked warmly.

Steve’s smile slowly faded as his brows furrowed with worry. “Are you okay? I mean…what happened?”

Billy shrugged, turning away from Steve. “I…remembered something shitty that I don’t like to think about. Fucked me up for a moment, but I’m fine.”

Steve nodded in understanding. “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me about it. I know you went through a lot last year that you don’t like to remember. But, at least, remember, that I love you. I’ll be here every step of the way, I swear. You’ll never be alone again.”

Billy tried to fight back the oncoming tears, releasing a shaky sigh. “Yeah, yeah, I know, pretty boy.”

Steve kissed his forehead. "Don't worry about the plate, though. I'm just amazed that you snapped it in half with your bare hands.

Billy tusked. "It was a shitty plate. So much for fine china."

"That's what the guy at the store told me it was!"

"Let's go kick that liar's ass tomorrow."

Steve shook his head as he laughed. "Always looking for a fight, aren't you?"

Billy joined in the laughter, smiling and loosening up his once clenched jaw and tight muscles.

He was grateful to Steve, for being there to bring him out of that endless dark.

[goldenempyrean]

sick!nat x reader where they broke up a week ago and r hasn’t heard of nat since. however that changes when a feverish Natasha calls reader asking to be taken care of. reader still loves her so she goes to Nat’s house to find that Natasha is miserable and totally out of it. when Nat recovers will she remember that SHE was the one who asked for help? (little angst)

The Memories Of Love

〚 Notes - Wow. I stayed up WAY too late writing this. Know it stays "little angst" but I might've gotten a little too deep into it. Theres more swearing and stuff then my usual fics so just be weary of that! I am desperate for feedback on this fic though so give me your honest thoughts :D 〛

〚 Summary - You'd broken up. You were content to never to speak to her again and maybe you would have, but one call changes everything 〛

〚 Wordcount - 1840 〛

〚 Part Two! 〛

〘 Check Out My Masterlist! 〙

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The last thing you expected to wake up too was a call. Especially considering it was almost 2am and especially considering who it was coming from. You rolled over, grabbed your phone leading you to give an irritated groan as you muted the call, setting your phone back down.  

You groaned to yourself, annoyed that you had been pulled from your peaceful slumber, you tried to settle back down, not wanting to be disturbed any further but not even a minute later, the recognisable chime of your ringtone rung out again as your phone began to vibrate rapidly.

“For fucks sake.” You muttered grumpily as you sat up and picked up your phone, rolling your eyes at the name displayed over the screen.

“What do you want Natasha?” You grumbled, not hiding the annoyance in your tone.

On the other end of the phone, you heard Natasha mumble something incoherent. You frowned. Her voice was wrong, it had a distinct hoarseness and a noticeable rasp. Not to mention the small sniffles. Was that- Was she crying?

“Considering you’ve just woken me up, I don’t want to deal with your bullshit right now so you can either tell me what you want or fuck off.” You growled down the phone, not wanting to deal with her any longer.

The phone was silent for what felt like hours, your finger was hovering over the red button to end the call when a small voice whispered something, “I need you.”

“What are you on about?” You sighed, rubbing your temples as you tried to make sense of what she had just said, “If you’re drunk or something, I swear to God, Im genuinely going to just block you. I can't deal with your shit right now.”

The phone went silent again, you almost felt bad for snapping at her. It's just, this was the first time in an over a week that you’d spoken to each other after it happened. You weren't even completely sure how it happened anyway. You guess it had started the night she failed to show up for your date – the date that you were going on to make up for her missing the previous one... and the one before that. You’d tried to remain casual when you told her how it made you feel but no. That one comment turned into a long, tiring argument. One which ended with you walking out, throwing your keys to the floor claiming you couldn’t do this anymore. A year gone. A year of time, love and dedication you’d put into that relationship and suddenly, in the span of afew moments it was gone. Wasted.

The sound of deep coughing snapped you back to reality as you cringed at the sound, “Please Y/N,” The way she croaked your name pulled at your heartstrings, she sounded like she was almost begging, “please come over, I really need you.”

“What’s wrong?” You asked, softening your tone as you realised that something really might be wrong, “Are you okay?”

There it was. That feeling of worry you hadn’t felt in awhile, the worry you felt whenever something bad happened, the worry which you felt when you truly cared for someone. The worry you felt when you truly... You stopped yourself, not wanting to think about it any further.

“Please, just come over.” That was the last thing you heard before there was a small ‘thud’ on the other end of the line.

“Natasha, just tell me what’s wrong.” You repeated but got no answer, “Natasha? Oh for-.” You cut yourself off from your curse and gave an exaggerated sigh as you shook your head, only this time there was no real anger behind it.

You told yourself you didn’t care, and that Natasha can deal with it herself. Shes a big girl and she can handle it. You didn’t care. That’s what you told yourself.  

Yet you still found yourself driving over to her apartment not even ten minutes later. The roads were barely illuminated by the dim streetlights, and you found yourself often gazing up and out at the overhead stars. God, what were you doing?  

You asked yourself that same question as you approached the door to her apartment. Your hand hesitated wearily in the air, curling up into a fist. You paused. Did you really want to do this? You could turn around now, go home, get back into bed. She’d never know. Yeah, that’s what you should do and yet seconds later the sound of knocking echoed through the hallways.  

Silence. You were met with a strange silence. No sounds of movement inside, no one came to the door, no sounds of anything actually. You knocked again, a little louder this time and tapped your foot impatiently, still there was nothing.

“Are you kidding me?” You muttered to yourself, pissed that you’d wasted your time on her again.

As you give the door your third and final third knock, your thumb goes down to reach for the handle out of instinct. You were so used to opening this door for her. It seems the habit was lingering. Much to your surprise, the door clicked off its hinges, swinging slightly ajar.

“Oh shit.” You hissed to yourself, wondering if you’d knocked on the door too hard. You wanted to leave. Just to forget about everything and go home but something inside told you to go in. Afterall, you couldn’t just leave the door open and leave, right? You had to go in. Atleast that’s what you told yourself as you took a step inside.

As you entered, it hit you immediately. Something was wrong. The air felt wrong, and the atmosphere was tense. There was no way you’d ever guess what you’d see next though. As you slowly padded into the living room you saw her.

Natasha was curled up on her sofa with a thin blanket half-draped over her as she shivered in her sleep. The lines around her eyes and lips were deeper then you remembered, her skin is paler too - unnaturally so. She looks so worn out, exhausted even. Inspecting closer, it was then you noticed the sheen to her skin, small beads of sweat lining her forehead and the pink-tinged clutches of afever clung to her cheeks. Oh.

“Poor thing.” You found the words leaving your mouth before you could stop yourself. Forgetting your previous annoyance, you turned back towards the entrance to her apartment, making sure to close the door properly, locking it behind you before resting your hands on your hips as you began to survey the room.

Kneeling down beside the sofa, you lightly shook her shoulder, attempting to stir her from her sleep as small jabs of worry began to slowly seep into your thoughts. It's been so long since you've seen her like this, she almost looks as vulnerable, a look you’d only seen once before. It's enough to trigger your innate need to protect, no matter how much you hurt inside.

“Sweet-“ You stopped yourself, feeling yourself blush with embarrassment as the petname slipped from your tongue, “Natasha?”

Your fingers lightly brush her forehead, feeling its hot and clammy surface. Her nose twitches slightly in her sleep. With a bit of hesitation, you try again. "Natasha..."  

Nothing.

You shake her shoulder again. "Hey... wake up". It comes out quieter than you intend it, and the worry in your voice is impossible to hide.

Her breathing is steady but shallow, and she looks so exhausted and ill. No response came from the sleeping woman, and it became obvious that she really was out cold.

Looking around again, you realised the place was abit of a mess and your eyes caught sight of the almost-empty bottle of NyQuil which had fallen onto the floor next to the sofa she lay on, besides which was her phone, your contact details still displayed on the screen.

“Jeez Nat, how much of this stuff did you take?” You sighed to yourself as you picked up both the bottle of medicine and her phone, setting them both ontop of her coffee table before slowly beginning to tidy the area, picking up the small mound of tissues which littered her floor and putting them in the trash.

You have no clue how long she's been sick, and the state of the apartment makes you think it's been a while. It was going to be a long night. Over the next half an hour, you made a start on properly cleaning up her apartment. You didn’t know why you were doing it. You could’ve just left but again, something made you stay. There was something inside of you that longed to hold her, to comfort her.

But you couldn’t. Not anymore. So instead you tiptoed around, not wanting to make a sound, as you tidied up the living room, before heading towards the kitchen. The trash was full and the counter-tops littered with multiple takeout containers to which you found yourself shaking your head. It took another 30 minutes of shuffling around before you were done.

Satisfied with your work, you made yourself a cup of coffee and allowed yourself a moment of calm as you sat down to drink it. Even then you tried reminding yourself that you didn’t care yet you still found yourself feeling responsible, longing to look after her. In that moment your heart began to beat rapidly in your chest as one thought finally clicked in your head, a deep blush clouded your cheeks as the slow realisation hit you finally.  

You still loved her.

Goddammit Natasha.

Finishing up your drink you found yourself fighting with your thoughts as you tried to push your newfound realisation to the back of your mind. A place where it couldn’t be seen, couldn’t be heard. You washed the cup and put it back neatly into her cupboard. You should’ve just left then, but there was still one thing left to do, a task which you knew was coming but still dreaded all the same.

Coming back over to Natasha’s side, you gave a final attempt at waking her, to which you had no luck. So, with a heavy exhale, you slipped your arms beneath her, hoisting the woman up into your arms before steadily carrying her over towards her room. You were mindful of her head, making sure to support her carefully. The sight of asleep of her in your arms almost overwhelmed you, the scent of her hair reminded you so much of why you fell in love with her in the first place.

You move with such delicacy - handling her as though she's going to break. Atleast it wasn’t far to her room. You leant down and carefully laid her down onto the mattress, tucking in the sheet as you pulled it over her. She looked beautiful, she was a sick mess and yet she remained beautiful. Resisting the urge to kiss her, your hands went to her forehead again, wiping away beads of sweat with the back of your hand while an unexpected wave of emotion floods your stomach. You swallow and wipe your eyes.

“God, Im going soft.” You whispered to yourself as you turned to leave, you didn’t plan to come back. Maybe you’d see if you could move up north. Start again with a blank slate. Maybe...

You shook your head again and turned back to take a final look at her. Natasha. Your Natasha. You couldn’t help but regret everything that had happened. The fight. Leaving. Everything. Whatevever, it was pointless now. You reached for the door handle, slowly pulling it shut.

And it was almost fully closed too but something stopped you. A small, frail voice came from inside, a voice which had the power to stop you in your tracks,  a sole word which held enough weight to change your future entirely, “Y/N?”

[inexplicifics]

💛 (reunion kiss / relief) + Gweld/Serrit?

This is AWAU 'verse, well before Geralt calls the Schools together, and Serrit has not transitioned yet or even realized she wants to, so uses he/him pronouns.

Serrit has gotten used to seeing the Wolf every few months. It’s not regular as dwarf-made clockwork or anything, but somehow they run into each other at least twice or three times a year while out on the Path. It certainly has nothing to do with Serrit asking around about a redheaded Wolf Witcher with a startlingly cheerful demeanor, and Serrit has no idea if the Wolf does the same sort of thing. Probably he does. He certainly never seems terribly surprised when Serrit turns up.

But it’s been six months, and Serrit hasn’t seen hide nor red hair of his…occasional bedmate and hunting partner.

He goes south to Gorthur Gvaed for the winter feeling slightly unsettled. Not that he’d ever admit to that, nor to the reason. The Wolf is a good fuck and a good fighter, and that’s all there is to it.

He does ask around in the spring, though. Even drifts up into the lower reaches of Kaedwen - Wolf territory, where Vipers are not usually welcome - to see what there is to see. It’s just because the contracts are decent in that area, that’s all.

The contracts are decent, and Serrit makes decent money and even finds a merchant selling elf-made pigments that she hasn’t seen before, which means his sketchbook is even more colorful than usual when he makes it back to Gorthur Gvaed in the autumn. But there’s no word of a redheaded Wolf, either living or dead.

Serrit doesn’t actually care, of course. But he’s a little more irritable than usual that winter, and he wears himself out sparring against Ivar at least once a week, which is a lot more often than most people prefer going up against the Viper of Morgraig himself.

He doesn’t bother going up to Kaedwen in the spring. Cintra has plenty of monsters.

It also, he discovers somewhere in the middle of Litha, includes a certain redheaded Wolf he’d assumed was dead.

Gweld shows up in the middle of a really rather annoying bullvore fight - the damn thing is smarter than it ought to be, and keeps dodging - and demonstrates his usual trick of being exactly in the right place at the right time, so when the bullvore dodges Serrit’s attack it manages to walk right into Gweld’s, and once it’s wounded it’s not hard to finish off. Serrit even gets the killing blow.

And then he whirls and grabs Gweld by the collar of his armor and slams the Wolf against a tree. “What the hell,” he grits out, not entirely sure why he’s so angry but absolutely willing to gut the Wolf if he gives the wrong answer, whatever that might be.

Gweld blinks down at him for a moment, and then, bafflingly, smiles. “Ran afoul of a pack of bruxae on my way back to Kaer Morhen,” he says calmly, as if there’s not an angry Viper up in his face. “I won, obviously, but I also broke most of my ribs and all the bones in my right leg and foot.”

Serrit suppresses a wince. That’s a bad injury. Even for a Witcher, that’s almost always going to be fatal.

“One of my brothers found me and dragged me home, and I spent the whole winter recovering; wasn’t quite back to full strength in the spring, so Rennes assigned me as a trainer for a year.” Gweld smiles more broadly. “It was fun, but it’s good to be back on the Path. And good to see you again. I -”

Serrit kisses him to make him stop talking. He has a faint, worrisome feeling that if he actually hears whatever Gweld was about to say, it will change - something. Something Serrit isn’t ready to change, just yet.

Gweld makes a small startled noise and then huffs a soft laugh and takes Serrit’s face in his absurdly gentle hands and deepens the kiss, and when they part, he’s still smiling, but he doesn’t say anything at all.

(Or here on AO3!)

[akariamai]

Romeo & Juliet [Part 3]

Paring: Jacob Black x OC!Swan

Word Count: 1,219

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4

It felt as if the Swan household let out a silent sigh of relief as Bella was coming out of her slump. Bella no longer spent her days burrowing into her chair, looking out the window waiting for him. The last conversation their father had with her really brought her out of her slump. She was now spending time away from their old table and hanging out with her friends and even Jacob. Things were starting to get better and Sloan hoped it would stay that way.

She did notice prominent differences in her sister. Bella no longer loved music. In fact, she shunned it at every turn. Car rides to school were filled with dead air and the night before, Sloan found all of Bella’s CD collection in the trash. She fished them out from the garbage in case Bella changed her mind. Growing up, music was a way to escape their mother’s impetuous decision-making. They both found solace in music, and to learn Edward had taken away her safe place broke Sloan’s heart. For now, she would keep them safe until Bella was ready.

Sloan flipped through the channels, not finding anything of interest, and switched the TV off.

“I’m heading to Jake’s,” Bella hurried down the stairs, almost tripping on her untied shoelaces. They did not need another scare like the one that landed her in the hospital.

“Be careful,” Sloan warned. Bella was clumsy all on her own. She didn’t need external forces to turn her mishaps into full-blown disasters. “Would you mind if I tag along?” Sloan hadn’t seen or spoken to Jacob since their beach day. The two could go on for months without contact and immediately chat like nothing happened.

Bella’s body fluctuated from complete relaxation to tense rigidity. “Um…” It was a brief moment of awkward silence. Bella folded into herself as if she wanted to disappear, and Sloan grew more frustrated by the palpable tension in the room. The more they sat in silence, the heavier the air became, the weight of unspoken words and unresolved disposition pressing down on them.

“You know what, I changed my mind. I don’t want to go,” Sloan relented. She wasn’t going to beg when it was clear she wasn’t wanted. Bella clearly didn’t want her to intrude on their socializing session.

On one hand, Sloan understood. Jacob had become Bella’s safe space, and the dynamic would change, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t hurt by the exclusion.

Bella walked off without even muttering a goodbye. The slam of the door brought a stark realization of her profound solitude.

~~~

Weeks had gone by and Sloan heard from her father that Jacob was sick. It explained why Bella was acting so frantic, incessantly calling Jacob’s phone and Billy’s landline, in hopes Jacob would answer. She was acting like a crazy ex-girlfriend, hence why Sloan didn’t tell her about going over to drop off a get well card and homemade soup. She did not need Bella pleading to come along or disturbing Jacob’s peace while he recovered.

“How could you have gone without telling me?” Bella asked, with animosity dripping from her tone. “Did you see him? Did you talk to him? Why hasn’t he been answering my calls?”

“Bella,” Sloan began, “I only dropped a few things off. I didn’t talk to Jacob, I didn’t even see him. I only spoke to Billy and left. I stayed outside the entire time I was there. Jacob is sick. It’s probably something more than just mono, but whatever it is, Billy is worried it might be contagious.”

Once Bella realized Sloan didn’t have the answers she needed, she immediately went to their landline and called Billy’s again. “Hey Jacob, it’s me again. Just wanted to hear your voice…”

Bella was spiraling again. She tethered herself to Jacob, who made himself readily available to her in her time of need, but now that he needed space, she was lost. Edward really messed her up.

“Bella.” Sloan pulled her away from the landline. “Stop calling Jacob. Stop bothering Billy. Jacob needs rest, and hearing the phone ring several times a day is not going to help him recover any faster. He’ll get back to you as soon as he can.” Talking to Bella like a child had become an occurrence. She was just not getting it.

“Maybe you need some time to yourself. Away from Jacob,” Sloan suggested. “Spend some time with me. We haven’t had movie night in a while. Why not tonight? I can make us some popcorn and we can watch whatever you want.”

“I don’t want to be away from Jacob. Everything is better with him, easier,” Bella exclaimed. “It’s not the same with you.”

“You don’t mean that.” Sloan could feel tears bubbling up to the surface.

“I do,” Bella said, with absolute certainty. “I don’t want to spend any more time with you. I just want him.”

Him. Was she referring to Edward, her first love, or Jacob, the boy she had been co-depending on?

While the separation between Bella and Jacob was accidental, it had shown it was needed. Bella was co-dependent on others, more so on boys. Her behavior, Sloan noted, wasn’t healthy, and being away from Edward and Jacob only sent her spiraling out of her mind. It felt like Bella could not function without their attention. She would need to speak to their father about this revelation.

Bella had left soon after the end of their conversation, deciding it was beneath her, and Sloan knew Bella needed to find a better coping mechanism. She could not depend on others to fix her, to keep her from breaking.

~~~

Rain is a fairly common occurrence in Forks. Rain was nature’s way of restarting the cycle of life and Sloan’s routine of cozying up on the couch, watching a movie, and sipping on a cup of hot chocolate.

Listening to the sound of water droplets striking the roof and windows of the house always left her in a sleepy mood. If she wanted to watch a good portion of the movie, she would have to move quickly. She quickly brewed the hot chocolate while searching through her father’s DVD collection.

Once she picked ‘Legally Blonde,’ she wrapped herself in one of her warmest blankets. The house was quiet as her father and sister were out. Their father was working overtime tonight and would be back late, and her sister was somewhere doing God knows what. After their insightful conversation a few days ago, Sloan distanced herself from her.

Sloan heard the keys rattling and the front door opening. “Bella?” Sloan called out even though she figured it was her sister.

Without an answer, Sloan moved from her spot and called out again, “Bella, is that you?” When she turned to the front door, she could see her sister soaked to the bone. “Are you alright?”

“He doesn’t want me.” She whispered as her body shivered from the cold. Water was pooling beneath her in a puddle.

“What?”

“He doesn’t want to be with me.” She walked upstairs like a zombie, utterly lifeless, a trail of water following behind her.

“Make sure to take a warm shower,” Sloan called out before removing herself from her blankets and moving to clean up Bella’s mess.

Masterlist

[howtofightwrite]

Hi! I somehow hadn’t known about this blog until now. I really appreciate the work you do, I have a good feeling I’ll be using a lot of your notes for my fight scenes!

This may not be your scope, but I’m curious to know if you can think of any good/dramatic places to get stabbed that wouldn’t kill someone without quick access to medicine? I’ve read a lot about the right angle into ribs would be relatively safe but honestly not much else. Would love to know your thoughts as Google hasn’t been very kind to me!

Originally, I was going to start this answer with the confession that cosmetic wounds for dramatic effect really don't work for me. However, when I sat down to start writing it, I broke a blood vessel in my nose, and spent the next few minutes bleeding onto my shirt and later a paper towel. I still have a partially torn paper towel stuffed up my nose, and just spent the last few minutes scrubbing blood out of my shirt using hand soap and a toothbrush before the stain had time to set. So, in the reflection of tonight's events, my perspective may be a little warped.

Basically any stab wound is survivable if you can keep the blood loss down to the point where your body can clot the wound before you bleed to death. This can include some pretty nasty wounds. This leads to a very important part of first aid for stab wounds, never remove the foreign object. Even if you need to cut that object loose from the environment to move the victim, do not pull it out. That can come loose in a surgical environment, but you do not want to pull it loose in the field. In a very real world context, this means if someone, somehow, gets run through with a chunk of rebar, you cut that off of the structure. If you get stabbed with a knife, or shot through with an arrow, you do not pull it out. In fact, if possible, you want to cut that arrow shaft off as close to the skin as you can while bandaging.

Pulling out the object can significantly accelerate blood loss (it won't always, but the risk is quite real.) So, for example, the stock, “badass,” moment of someone standing up, pulling out and discarding the knife just used to stab them is a phenomenally bad idea. That knife was partially obstructing their wound, and as a result, actually slowing their bloodloss. It's quite possible to try that stunt and then quickly bleed to death, because the knife was plugging a gap in an artery. (Ironically, rebar is really good at sealing wounds. The rough texture binds into damaged meat, and seriously limits bleeding.) You also don't want to play with an object that has run you through. Again, if you've been stabbed, and the knife is still wedged into your arm, you really don't want to further agitate that injury.

Beyond securing the object, you don't want to move around much, as that can cause the object to shift. Additionally in some cases, you really won't be able to move much. A lot of muscular motion is, basically, a pulley system, with layers of muscle expanding and contracting over one another, across the bone. When you pinning those together (or break the bones) then the system stops working. A classic example of what you cannot do is Boromir's death in the Lord of the Rings films, getting plugged with that many arrows would lock up limbs, and generally prevent movement of any kind. (Of course, getting hit with more than one arrow will almost always be lethal, and as we've mentioned before, Tolkien's, race of “men,” are no more human than the dwarves, elves, and other sapient races of Middle Earth.)

Usually when people talk about striking the ribs at, “the right angle,” they're talking about getting through the ribs and hitting something vital. (Your liver and kidneys are basically just large sacks of blood, and your body will have a hard time recovering on its own from direct damage to them.) However, it's really easy to miss the mark and simply bounce a blade off someone's rib. Generally speaking, striking bone with a knife or another light blade, will catch in the bone and do very little. This is what your ribs are supposed to do.

Depending on the blade, it's even possible to snap the tip off in the bone, during the strike. This can result in a nasty looking injury that is mostly cosmetic.

As I mentioned at the beginning, personally, I'm not a huge fan of injuries for dramatic effect. I prefer injuries where it's a persistent affect on the character that they have to deal with (until it has a chance to heal), rather than to build drama. If you're trying to build tension by putting characters in mortal danger, and then whiff by giving them a cosmetic injury, that will undermine the threat when they find themselves in danger the next time. Though, as I said, my perspective might be a little warped.

-Starke

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[practically-an-x-man]

Pit of Vipers (Nikoletta x Abner)

Summary: While in Belle Reve, Nikoletta realizes that a fight broke out the night before - and Abner didn't even try to fight back

Tags: pre-relationship, angst, violence, depictions of injuries, brief references to suicide

Word Count: 3.1k

____

“Adrian.”

She appeared out of the shadows and slid onto the bench beside him, and Adrian just about jumped out of his skin. 

“Jesus Christ- don’t do that!” he blurted, glaring at her from behind his glasses, “Do you know how close I get to punching you in the face when you do that? It’s a reflex.”

“But you never have.” Nikoletta pointed out, giving him a slanted grin.

“Yeah, ‘cause I stop myself every time. Those aren’t exactly the knuckle tattoos I’d want,” Adrian said, wringing his hands together as he imagined it. Nikoletta scoffed. He talked a lot of big game, she thought, but she’d only ever seen him fight when it was premeditated. He didn’t strike a single blow without considering it first. It was part of why she chose him as a confidant. He wasn’t reckless like the others were. 

“So… what sends you popping up over my shoulder like my sleep paralysis demon this time?” he asked, seemingly recovered from his bout of shock, and shot her a broad grin. Someone else probably would have found it charming. Nikoletta just pressed her lips together. 

“Someone’s missing.” she said, dark eyes scanning the cafeteria around her, “One of the newbies.”

“Hm. Yeah. The skinny one, right? With the-” Adrian guessed, gesturing vaguely at his own neck, “The one who always looks like he’s sad he can’t hang himself from the bars of his cell like the guy in Goonies?”

“He doesn’t-” Nikoletta started, but cut herself off with a huff, “The guy from Goonies didn't actually hang himself. But… right. Him.”

“Oh, yeah, he’s in medical,” Adrian pressed on, his voice just as light and conversational as it had been in the moments before, “Couple’a guys jumped him late last night. Didn’t see who, but they got some good hits in before the guards got there. Looked pretty bad.”

“Bastards.” Nikoletta growled, “They know the rules. He wasn’t marked.”

“Maybe they thought nobody would care.” he guessed, casually picking through his French fries without a care in the world. Sometimes he scared her. “I mean, the guy doesn’t even talk, why’s he even worth protecting?”

“It’s not about being worth protecting,” she said, “Why do you pay your insurance premium if you never get sick?”

“Ah, I never had insurance. Even the cheap ones denied me. I get in too many fights.”

“But you know how insurance works, don’t you?”

“Sort of.” Adrian said with a one-sided shrug. Nikoletta rolled her eyes. 

“Good enough.” she decided, “What I’m saying is… whether he’s ‘worth it’ or not, everyone gets my protection, whether they need it or not, unless they decide to stir up trouble. And he hasn’t stirred up any trouble. They shouldn’t have gone after him.”

This was far from the first time something like this had happened. Even with her system in place, there was no way to control every stroke of violence in Belle Reve. People got… pent-up after a while. Marking the unruly prisoners kept things peaceful in more ways than one - removing some violence from the pool entirely, and giving the others a chance to release their frustrations - but it wasn’t a perfect solution. She doubted there was any perfect solution to be found. 

And it was always the quiet ones who seemed to slip through the cracks.

“I need to find out who did this,” Nikoletta said, standing up from her seat in one decisive motion. Adrian twisted around to look at her, giving her a strange look.

“Y’know, if it were up to me, I’d just mark him now. Just to get it over with. His blood’s already in the water. I’d be willing to bet someone’s gonna rip him apart eventually. Might be better just to let it happen, save yourself a bigger fight. I mean… you’ve seen him, Nikki, the guy’s a walking target.”

This was the side of him that Nikoletta had to keep on a very short leash. Underneath his lighthearted and even charming exterior was the same thirst for violence as anyone else in Belle Reve, and she knew that. And as much as she liked having Adrian as her right hand man, she had to be careful about that ruthless streak of his. She had the sense that if it was a matter of his safety, even his escape from Belle Reve, he’d would break anybody’s neck without hesitation. Even hers. He was only loyal to her because she set her terms clearly and followed them.

In a way, that was more comforting. Loyalty based on emotion always felt… shaky. At least here, she didn't have to worry about some social faux pas meaning the difference between ally or enemy. She didn't need an emotional bond with Adrian. Really, she wasn't sure he formed emotional bonds with anyone. But as long as she kept her rules transparent, consistent, she could trust that he had her back.

Even when his ruthless side showed its face.

“No.” she replied with a shake of her head, “He hasn't done anything to deserve being marked.”

“C’mon, Nikki. I know you like him, but-”

“It’s not a matter of liking him. It's a matter of principle.” she huffed, “If I mark him without warning, people are going to start to wonder if they’re next. That’s just the fast track to me losing what little control I’ve managed to scrape together in here- and if I go down, you’re coming with me. And it’s a Band-Aid over a bullet wound. The ones who attacked him are just going to find another target if he’s gone. It doesn’t solve anything.”

She took a step back, comforted by the brush of shadows against her skin. There she paused, just for a moment, and met Adrian’s eyes. 

“And I don’t like him. He’s just another prisoner.”

“I dunno, you didn’t get this mad about the last guy who got beat up.”

“You were the last guy who got beat up.”

“That’s what I’m saying!”

Nikoletta rolled her eyes and fell into the shadows. 

She reemerged from a pool of darkness in the corner of the medbay, suddenly enough that a nurse in the hall flinched at the sight of her. Most of the staff had grown used to Nikoletta’s habit of slipping between rooms, but that didn’t make it any less startling to see her suddenly appear in a once-empty room like some kind of apparition.

It didn’t take long for her to find Abner. He was in the bay closest to the wall, far away from anyone or anything else. Ever since he’d arrived, she’d gotten the sense that the staff was a little afraid of him. She didn’t understand it - aside from the power dampener, he was about the most unassuming guy she could have imagined in a place like this. She doubted he even tried to shoo away the rats that sometimes scurried through the halls.

But the staff were afraid of her too. She didn’t usually give it a lot of stock. 

Abner’s eyes were closed, but the faintly pained expression on his face told her he wasn’t asleep. She didn’t blame him. Half his face was swollen in a brutal black eye, and the rest of his skin was equally littered with bruises and dried blood. Nikoletta wondered, briefly, if he’d even fought back. From the nature of the wounds, harsh and dark and from every direction, she guessed that he hadn’t. The power dampener had been removed from his neck, showcasing a dark band of bruising around his throat - like he’d been shoved to the ground and landed hard on the dampener. Nikoletta couldn’t help but wince at the sight. Some of the bruises were almost dark enough to look like her shadows, save for the faintest purple-red tint.

“Who attacked you?”

She must have been moving more quietly than she realized. Abner’s eyes snapped open with a sharp gasp, and he jolted upwards in the bed. A faint light glowed from somewhere near his wrists, but he tamped it down with a grimace just a moment later.

“Nikoletta?”

“Who else?” she replied, planting her hands on her hips and frowning again at the bruises painting his skin. She waved a hand vaguely in his direction, every movement sharp. “Who did this? Who attacked you?”

He opened his mouth to respond, then frowned and shut it again. He shook his head. 

“You won’t tell me.” Nikoletta guessed, clenching her jaw in anger, “Goddammit, Abner, I’m trying to help you! I’m trying to make sure this doesn’t happen again!”

“It won’t fix anything.”

“This isn’t like grade school bullies,” she insisted, “If you tell me who did it, the problem will go away. Permanently. I need to know who did this.”

“So you can kill them?”

“I haven’t killed anyone.” Nikoletta snapped. The words came out too harsh, and she wanted to wince. Abner flinched, but there was something deeper in his eyes. He raised his eyebrows. Nikoletta resisted the urge to scoff. “Listen. All I do is mark the ones who have it coming to them. I don’t sponsor any violence of my own, I just… rescind my protection. Anyone who’s marked has to fend for themself. That’s how it works.”

“But they all die anyway, don’t they?” he asked. His voice had gone soft. It sent a maelstrom of emotion through Nikoletta’s chest. She wanted to be angry - with him for poking holes in all the rules that should have kept him safe, and with his attackers for sparking all this to begin with - but strangely couldn’t find the emotion within herself. Abner’s eyes were tired and sad, the effect only magnified by the fact that one was nearly swollen shut. 

“Yes.” Nikoletta finally hissed, “They die. That’s the nature of Belle Reve. If I didn’t have my system in place, they’d have killed you too.”

“Maybe that’s not so bad…”

If it were up to me, I’d just mark him now. Just to get it over with. 

Nikoletta grimaced as the words echoed in her mind. Adrian wanted her to mark him. Whoever had attacked Abner wanted her to mark him. Hell- it seemed like Abner himself wanted her to mark him, just to rip the Band-Aid off. 

For the slimmest moment, she was tempted. 

But only for that one moment. 

“Stop that. You’re in pain. Death won’t bring you the relief you want.” Nikoletta muttered, “Trust me, I’ve been there myself. The only way to make things better is to fix them yourself. Now tell me who attacked you.” 

“STAR Labs?” he asked instead, apparently ignoring her demands, “Is that what brought you there? Is that why you… you hurt like that?”

“Of course it was fucking STAR Labs.” she said, reaching for the sleeve of her jumpsuit and tugging it up to expose the silvery track marks at her elbows, “You think I had these before STAR Labs? You think I was in prison before STAR Labs? You think I had to cover every fucking inch of my skin before STAR Labs?”

“Why are you angry?”

“Why aren’t you?” she fired back, “Look at yourself. Look at the bruises. It’s going to happen again if you don’t tell me who gave them to you.”

Abner was quiet for a long time. He stared down at his hands with a distant look in his eyes. Nikoletta shifted on her feet. It shouldn’t have been this difficult of a decision to make. It was a choice between safety or pain, and he didn’t have to do anything but give her a name. There wouldn’t even be any guilt in it, she thought. They’d struck the first blow. The Queen of Belle Reve had very particular rules, and those rules had been broken. It was all fair play.

Finally he looked up and met her eyes. Nikoletta lifted her eyebrows, awaiting his response. 

“Will you do me a favor?”

“Hm?” 

“Will you get me a glass of water? Please?” Abner asked, his voice falling back to that near-whisper of his, “The nurses don’t like coming over here. Not when I don’t have the…”

He trailed off but gestured vaguely at his neck. Nikoletta nodded. She still wasn’t sure what power it was that had the nurses so afraid of him - something to do with that odd light when she startled him, she was sure - but it must have been something big. Most things that came from STAR Labs were. 

Nikoletta took a step back and melted into the shadows. She was back a moment later, a half-filled plastic cup clutched in one gloved hand. She held it out, and Abner took the cup with a faint but grateful smile. He sat up and took a sip, grimacing like every motion hurt. Looking at him, she believed it. She hoped the nurses had at least given him some sort of painkiller before they vanished.

“I don’t like killing people.” Abner mumbled after a few long moments of silence. His fingers worried at the edges of the cup. He refused to meet her eyes.

“So you’d rather let yourself get beat to shit like this than tell me who did it? None of the blood is on your hands here, Abner. They attacked someone under my protection, so they deserve to have their own protections stripped away. It’s all just turnabout. Fairness. Really… if you tell me now, they’ll probably be gone before you get out of that bed. Why the fuck are you protecting them?”

“Because it’s still…”

Abner trailed off, shaking his head with a low sigh. 

“I’m sorry, Nik. I can’t.”

Nikoletta scoffed and took a step back from him. She couldn’t believe this - beaten so badly he’d landed in the medbay, covered in blood and bruises, so severe they’d even removed his power dampener, and he still refused to give her a name. Did he really have so much guilt for something he hadn’t even done? How had he managed to take down STAR Labs, with a hyperactive conscience like that?

The sadness in Abner’s eyes only deepened as Nikoletta took another step back. It was hard to look at. She sighed. 

“Do you need anything else? Before I go?”

“Um… no. I don’t think so.” he said, “But if you… if you wanted to come back sometime? Just to talk for a while? This place, it reminds me of the lab. It’s hard to be here.”

She could understand that. Normally she avoided the medbay like the plague for that same reason. She didn’t like her cell much either, but this was… worse. Nikoletta pursed her lips but gave him a singular nod.

“I’ll be back in a few hours. Try to think of some things you want to talk about before I get back.”

She took a final step back, returning to the familiar not-quite-comfort of her shadows, and had already begin to slip into that other realm when she heard Abner’s soft voice one more time. 

“Nikoletta. Thank you.”

She was back in the cafeteria before she could even think to respond, but the words rattled around in her mind much longer than they should have. That whole interaction had been… odd. He was an odd man. In a lot of ways. She didn’t quite mind it, but it was certainly different from the interactions she was used to. 

“Any luck?” Adrian’s voice, deceptively chipper, pulled her from her thoughts. Nikoletta shot him a lukewarm look, irritation bubbling just underneath the surface. 

“No. He won’t give them up. For whatever God-forsaken reason.” she said, shaking her head, “Lands himself in a hospital bed but won’t even tell me who put him there.”

“I’m telling you, Nik, you could save yourself a lot of trouble if you just-”

“I’m not marking him. Especially not now. That sets a precedent I don’t want to set.”

“Suit yourself.” he muttered, though he clearly didn’t agree with her decision in the slightest. After a moment he shrugged, tossing it aside like water off a duck’s back. He waved a hand towards the opposite side of the cafeteria. “Well, in that case… I’ve been doing a little recon-”

“I’m assuming that means you walked straight up to their table and dared them to give you the gossip?”

“It was recon. I was very subtle.” Adrian repeated with a huff, “And it sounds like one of the guys that jumped him was that calendar guy, with all the tattoos? Heard one of the cameras got footage of it, just a couple frames. Y’know, it’s probably not a great idea to attack a guy in the middle of the night if you’re one of the four prisoners in here who can be recognized from the back si-”

“Thanks.” she said, cutting him off before he could get into one of his diatribes, “I’ll take care of it.”

____

“Julian.” 

This time, she meant to be startling. The tattooed criminal sat bolt upright in his cot, frantically scanning the shadows for where her voice had come from. Nikoletta took a step forward, allowing herself to be lit by the dull yellow bulbs that shone in from the hallway. The sight of her didn’t ease the fear on his face. 

“I heard you broke my rules.” Nikoletta continued, drawing each word out, “You attacked a prisoner who wasn’t marked. You know what the punishment for that is.”

All lingering dredges of sleep had vanished from his posture, and he looked at her with wary eyes. His fingers were curled tightly into his bedsheet, as if he were debating trying to smother her with it. Surely he had to know he was outmatched here. Surely he had to know that was why she confronted him in the dead of night, blanketed on all sides by her shadows.

“So what? Not like I did anything big, just knocked him around a little. Fuckin’ creep deserved it, too.” he replied, the words so loud and barbed that she could hear cots creaking in the neighboring cells. Tension drew into Nikoletta’s posture, both from the words and the growing audience to them. She took a step closer, aiming to administer her punishment swiftly and potently. With a mark, and with all the gossip that had been swirling over the ordeal, he’d be gone by breakfast. 

But they all die anyway, don’t they?

I don’t like killing people.

Nikoletta froze on the spot, jaw clenched so tightly it hurt. It was a matter of principle. Julian broke her rules, she administered punishment, it resolved the conflict that landed Abner in the medical wing and secured Nikoletta’s reputation as a strict but objective ruler. Half a second’s action to repair a host of issues. All it took was one little death. 

But she found herself stepping back. Confusion crested across Julian’s face, in equal share with the same sharp wariness. 

“No more second chances.” Nikoletta warned, darkness dripping off every word, “Do better. This will be the only mercy you’ll get from me.”

And with that, she vanished into the dark.

[lurkingshan]

My good friend @bengiyo said something to me last night about Jeng that I keep thinking about: that Jeng fully broke last week after Pat’s rejection and hasn’t recovered from that despite them getting together, and that’s why he feels so off throughout all of episode 10. And then in a separate conversation @sliceduplife pointed out that Jeng, a chef and food waste prevention advocate, would never in his right mind throw food on the floor or defile his kitchen workspace the way he did in that scene with Pat. And I’ve already talked about the weirdly muted emotional reactions he had during Pat’s confession and the disconnect I felt between the type of relationship he said he wanted with Pat and the type of relationship we actually saw depicted this week.

It’s all coalescing for me into one thing: the Jeng we saw in this episode is still broken, and unfortunately, it doesn’t look like he’s gonna be getting a chance to heal anytime soon.

[sightburdened]

𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐧 -- 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐢𝐠, 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞; - continued from here

Don’t say such things, son. You know that’s not right. You shouldn’t be thinking like that. Stop looking. I said, stop looking. Didn’t I tell you to stop looking? Focus on something else, ignore everything but what you see in front of you…

His father’s words from so many years ago rattle in his mind like loose change at the bottom of a car’s cup holder, ever-present but rarely needed until, he was broke, or in the process, of breaking. There’s a subtle shattering that comes, not from the absence of wine to his mouth, but with the gaining of it, the bitterness sliding down his throat, he finished the glass in three quick swallows, he wanted to be numb to this.

But, never to Lestat. He never wanted to close himself off to him, ever.

“Evolution,” he says, “comes with sacrifice. We came from the apes, and you’re above us, higher than us on the food-chain,” he says, his breath clotted in his throat like heavy cream scraped from the bottom of a container, “which is the most fascinating truth I’ve come to understand.” He blinks, he knows he’s slightly drunk, he hasn’t had wine in so long, especially that fast, but it makes his mouth crease into a smile, his head lolling to the side.

“May I watch you hunt, sometime? Would that be like you watching me prepare a steak or a fish?” He wonders about the intricacies of the assembly of a meal, about the machinations of it. “Or, would it be intimate?” he asks, his hand curling around Lestat’s waist, he feels emboldened, his mouth parting as his breath heaves, making his chest rise and fall, his eyes closing as he loses himself to the rapture of Lestat de Lioncourt’s voice.

“I don’t want to be afraid of what I want anymore,” comes his admission, his eyes opening, his face turning towards Lestat’s. “I feel like I’m combating two opposing forces at the same time, as if I’m throwing color onto a greyscale world to the left and to the right, watching wildfire ravage permafrost but to no avail. I feel that, if I just combined the two, somehow,” and he moves, his hands resting on Lestat’s chest, “I would find reprieve.”

His mouth is stained cranberry and he wants to understand what it’s like to hunt a human being down for sport, for food. He wants to understand the pleasure that can come from the kill. 

“I’d like that,” he says, his eyes drifting to the shape of Lestat’s mouth, the coral-peach of it, ataxia claiming him, the room tilting to the left a little. “I’ll protect you from all those that try and change your narrative,” he says, devotion and inebriation making his tongue loose, his heart clamorous in his chest. 

“I wish,” Will begins, resting his face against Lestat’s jaw, “I could have helped you, back then. I would have thrown your maker into the fire myself for what he did to you.” His free hand grips the back of the sofa, his fingernails aching from how hard he holds the material, wishing it was Magnus, somehow. “Thank you, for listening to me,” I’m drunk, don’t listen to me, “you make me feel safe.”

His thoughts turn red as he imagines how it would feel to throw someone into a fire, their flesh sloughing away from bone, their hair disintegrating first. He thinks about doing this for Lestat, to honor him, to protect him and something in his chest heaves, his eyes closing as he breathes him in.

“The wine went to my head,” he admits, “but I don’t make promises I don’t intend on keeping. I want that, I want to join you, soon," no, set a time, "maybe, next week, when I have the next two days off. I might need time to recover," he's talking too much, he should stop, "but, I don't think I do. I just want to know what it's like."

[themculibrary]

Sexual Fantasy Masterlist

Back Alley (ao3) - osprey_archer steve/bucky E, 5k

Summary: Steve stumbles on Bucky getting a blow job in an alleyway. This is awkward for their actual relationship, but it has an awesome effect on Steve's fantasy sex life.

Buy Your Pretty Heart (ao3) - valiantlybold bucky/tony E, 33k

Summary: Bucky Barnes is a mobster. A dangerous one. He owns most of the city and what he doesn't already own, he's allied himself with.

Tony's just a cop who wants to help people. Right now, it seems the best way to help people is to go undercover and get close enough to Barnes to take him down.

But things are never that easy.

collar full of chemistry (ao3) - 2bestfriends steve/bucky E, 188k

Summary: Steve is very rich and desperate to feel in control of his life again after a recent divorce has left him feeling bitter and lonely. When he keeps crossing paths with a disaster twenty-something, an unconventional solution presents itself. Steve’s always been one for following his instincts.

Bucky is very broke and can’t seem to catch a break, especially after some asshole fires him for one fucking mistake. So of course, it follows that he should sign a contract agreeing to do everything and anything that same asshole wants for a whole year in exchange for a payout that could finally change his life for the better.

—

AKA a fantasy BDSM romance featuring heavy mutual pining, feelings denial, and enough kink to blackout a bingo card. We know what we’re about, son.

Doctor Feelgood (ao3) - notlucy, piglet_illustrations (thefilthiestpiglet) steve/bucky E, 10k

Summary: Things are practically perfect, as far as Steve’s concerned. He and Bucky are happy. Healthy. Working through their shit and living a normal life in Brooklyn. Said normality extends to their nice, regular, fulfilling sex life. Which isn't to say it’s perfect - maybe Steve has a fantasy or two he hasn’t shared. Certain proclivities he’s happy to indulge privately. Why bother Bucky?

It’s fine. Really. Until the day Bucky comes home early and catches Steve with his pants down. Literally.

Fulfill Me (ao3) - fandomfluffandfuck steve/bucky E, 7k

Summary: Steve has always had a thing for feeling all of Bucky inside him, filling him up.

When he was just a scrap of a thing, slim as a twig, he liked the challenge of fitting all of Bucky in him; taking him to prove to himself that he could (also because it felt fucking incredible of course). Now, as a brick shit house of man, he likes it because nothing completes him or calms him like getting Bucky as close as physically possible, buried inside of him. But... he's always been nothing if not stubborn and so he wants to know what he can really take.

Together, Steve and Bucky push the limits of Steve's undying desire to be full.

In Dreams (ao3) - sabrecmc steve/tony, steve/steve/tony E, 7k

Summary: Steve enters Tony's dreamscape to save him and finds a lot more than he ever expected.

From the kink meme: Tony and Steve ending up in some dreamscape where they can see each other's fantasies as a distraction technique from some villain (I don't care which). Steve opens the door to Tony's dream and sees 3 Steves (I'm not picky which) topping Tony. Up to author how Steve reacts and if this is a established relationship or not.

las vegas (ao3) - elcapitan_rogers steve/natasha E, 219k

Summary: Steve was freaking out over his own wedding and the gang decided to take him to Las Vegas to unwind him.

Poster Child (ao3) - sabrecmc steve/tony E, 22k

Summary: Tony likes the new poster of Captain America. A LOT.

Rhapsody in Pink (ao3) - the1918 steve/bucky E, 28k

Summary: After being chemically castrated for the entirety of his time as Hydra’s Winter Soldier, Bucky is attempting to recover his life—with the help of his oldest and best friend—when seventy years of a denied libido suddenly comes raging back in a series of graphic hallucinations. Steve is there to help.

(Or: Bucky Barnes’s dick wakes up after a seven-decade nap. It is very interested in Steve Rogers.)

* * * Post-CA:TWS / AOU canon divergence, set at the Avengers up-state facility.

That Damn Tank Top (ao3) - inukagome15 steve/tony E, 7k

Summary: Fill for a tumblr prompt. He’d never seen Tony like this – so stripped down of his usual armors and completely in his element. Or, Steve sees Tony in his tank top when he's in his workshop and likes it. A lot.

The Right Partner (ao3) - LeeHan steve/bucky E, 41k

Summary: Steve meets a beautiful man with a bright laugh on a sunny day in Italy. Captain America meets the elusive Winter Soldier moments later.

Date Bucky Barnes. Defeat the Winter Soldier. Bring down Hydra. How hard could it be?

we are the things that we do for fun (ao3) - Nonymos steve/bucky, clint/natasha E, 35k

Summary: Going to a professional Dom may be one of the weirdest things Bucky’s ever done. Especially since this skinny Steve Rogers guy doesn’t really look the part.

But hey, they might just find a way to make this work.

We Don't Fight Fair (ao3) - fandomfluffandfuck steve/bucky E, 41k

Summary: A story revolving around the fun, sexy changes Steve and Bucky go through when Steve is pregnant with their first pup. And so they obviously have to spend most of the pregnancy exploring how him being bred up affects their sex life (for science, y'know... its not because Steve can't keep him hands to himself or that Bucky’s just as helpless as Steve is with keeping personal space, no. Not at all.

You Bring Out the Best in Me (ao3) - LeeHan steve/bucky E, 76k

Summary: Someone nice to go out with, that’s all Steve wants. Or at least, that’s what he thought he wanted. After dozens of failed dates he isn’t so sure anymore. Luckily, work provides the perfect distraction from Steve’s uninspiring love life. SHIELD and the SSR are joining forces in a historic union for the sole purpose of bringing Hydra down for good. Steve is paired with the SSR’s top agent, the Winter Soldier, to lead the charge and the last word he would ever use to describe his nameless, faceless partner is “nice.”

you're the fireworks flyin' on the fourth of july (ao3) - IamShadow21 steve/bucky E, 2k

Summary: Steve's got ninety-five years' worth of Bucky's birthdays to catch up on.

[heaven-s-black-box]

Chips- Ensemble & Dan Feng's child!Reader

Return to File

Recovery date: July 15th, 2024

Description: Hello, I was reading your Dan Feng's child reader story and I was thinking about a different version where the heliobus takes the form of the reader's mother.

Notes: This work was recovered in conjunction with an anonymous researcher, we thank them for their contributions. Since reader doesn't have any memories of their mother this plays out more like that one ghost story with the guy and his dead wife than the possessions. Original is here. Prequel is here.

Word count: 928

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Dan Heng finds himself glaring at the woman two tables away; a woman who is certainly long dead. He was there, he went to her funeral, he visited her grave, and if she were a ghost, why now? Why come back now?

The woman seems completely absorbed in her book, absentmindedly snacking on a songlotus cake, but every so often she glances up and their eyes meet. She looks away just as quickly, but she also hasn’t left yet. Neither of them have left, despite Dan Heng having to order his fourth drink and she a second order of songlotus cakes.

They’d locked themselves in a stalemate, and Dan Heng was growing tired of it.

He downed the last of his drink and left, heading out onto the busy street.

It wasn’t until he turned onto a more deserted street that he picked up the second set of footsteps. They picked up in speed as the person ran towards him.

“Dan-”

The Vidiyadhara drew his spear and leveled it under his pursuers chin, catching Caelus off guard. Both men stared at each other with wide eyes, and Dan Heng quickly backed down.

“Caelus, what are you doing?”

“Scaring you apparently? I’m trying to find a heliobus in the area, have you seen anything weird?”

“A heliobus?”

“Ya, they broke out of Fyxestroll garden and have been antagonizing people. They’re trying to get the General to-”

“We need to hurry,” Dan Heng cut him off, grabbing his friend's sleeve and dragging him back to the main street.

Despite Caelus’ persistent questioning as they dodged through the crowd, Dan Heng offered no explanation. He dragged him along as the ghost hunter tried to round up the rest of his squad, letting them track his location since Dan Heng wasn’t explaining anything.

Eventually, they skidded to a stop in front of a house. It was very nice, expensive looking, but not overly grand.

Dan Heng stepped up to the door, raising his fist to knock, and froze. Instead, he took out his phone and texted someone.

Faint footsteps could be heard through the door, and then it was opened by Jing Yuan who looked down at the men in confusion.

“Is Y/n here?” Dan Heng breathed out, still trying to catch his breath.

“They’re out back with Yanqing, why?”

“A heliobus has taken her form.”

“Who’s form?” Caelus asked.

Jing Yuan ignored him, instead waving them inside and directed them to the back door.

Dan Heng stopped by a window overlooking the backyard, leaving Caelus confused. Through the window, he watched a child running sword drills with Yanqing. Their ears were slightly pointed, and they had small horns and a tail that swished happily behind them. They looked almost like a Vidyadhara, but Caelus could tell something was different.

“They’re fine, Dan Heng, you needn’t worry. I’ll keep a close eye on them for now, I’m sure the heliobus intends to use them as a bartering chip to get me to fight Cirrus. That won’t happen, I won’t allow it.”

Caelus turned from the window to look at his friend and the General.

“Can I please get-” He was interrupted again, this time by a knock at the door and a ping on his phone. “Oh, the others are here.”

Jing Yuan sent them to the living room as he went to collect the rest of the guests. Once everyone was settled, he offered an explanation.

“We believe one of the heliobi have taken the form of an old friend of mine. Unfortunately there’s much about her I cannot disclose, what I can say is she had a child and that child is now under my care.”

“The kid practicing outside with Yanqing?”

The General nodded, “Y/n. Dan Heng believes the helibus intends to use this form to lure Y/n to Fyxestroll garden so that I will have no choice but to fight Cirrus.”

“Were they close with their mother?” Sushang asked.

Dan Heng found himself looking in their direction as he said, “They never knew either of their parents. It has left them with many questions, uncertainty the heliobus will likely look to exploit.”

“How do you know Y/n?” Caelus questioned. “I thought… you know.”

The vague allusion to Dan Heng’s exile, and the short time he’d spent imprisoned before it, went over the ghost hunters’ heads. Jing Yuan and the Vidyadhara himself, however, caught on.

“Jing Yuan told me about them, their mother was a friend of Dan Feng’s.”

A gross oversimplification.

The group fell into silence for a moment before Huohuo spoke.

“So how do we catch this heliobus?”

“We can’t just let the other heliobus roam free while we wait for this one to strike,” Guinaifen pointed out.

“You may resume your hunt, I will contact you if something comes up here.” Jing Yuan turned to Dan Heng. “You are welcome to stay here, I’m sure they’d love to meet you.”

Dan Heng’s brows furrowed slightly as he briefly considered the invitation. “They’re in good hands. You’ve done right by them so far, and I should be getting back to the express.” He turned to Caelus. “Let me know when you catch the heliobus, please.”

“Will do.”

Everyone cleared out of the General’s house, but Caelus lingered briefly at the door. Jing Yuan could sense the question coming, and beat him with an answer.

“Give him time, the matter of Y/n and Dan Feng is one… complicated. When he’s ready, I’m sure he will tell you.”

Caelus nodded, and bid him farewell.

[gamergirl-06]

Jacob x Fem! Reader

Note: This was just made up in my head and it was a scenario between me and Jacob that I made up and I just wanted to write something for fun since I’m bored (again this was very uninspired).

Warnings: pregnancy, sickness, Jacob being an absolute sweetheart like he always is (also don’t want children yet I’m TOO young)

Taglist: @hyunjinbiased-blog

Makayla’s POV

I trudged beside Jacob as we walked back to Emma’s house with our weapons still drawn incase of an attack. I shouldn’t have been on this outing because of my secret that Emma knows about.

As soon as we get to the door, a pang of nauseousness washes over me and waste no time running to the bathroom with Emma following me.

Jacob stood there in concern.

Jacob’s POV

I see Makayla run straight to the bathroom and Emma follows her which I can only presume to help her.

As concerned as I am, I decide not to follow them so they can have a bit of space, I always have respected other people’s privacy.

Especially Makayla’s, I love her so much, she’s been my girlfriend for a long time and she is an absolute Queen in my eyes.

I turn and walk into the lounge area and sit on the couch next to Sam who gives me a look.

“Hey man she’s alright, she’s just sick, she will recover” he assured, I knew he could sense my anxiety.

I’m not really an anxious person, but when it came to my Girlfriend, my anxiety was high, I just didn’t want to lose her, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I’m look at Sam and give a lopsided smile “I know but it’s getting really concerning, she has been sick for the past few days, and I don’t think it’s a simple stomach bug.”

Sam gave me a smile “ahhh, it could be because she hasn’t recovered yet from when she was first sick, she has been going on runs with you”

I have a nod, that was actually true, she probably just got worse since her body was on alert all the time on runs therefore as Sam said, hasn’t given her ample time to properly rest.

Makayla’s POV

I groan as I lift my head up from the porcelain bowl as Emma holds my hair back and rubs my back.

“It’s ok I’m here” She soothes as I get up. She looks at me and says “does he know yet”.

I shake my head “I was planning on telling him but I’m scared. I mean a baby in a world that’s gone to fucking shit, Em, I can’t burden him with that responsibility of providing when there’s nothing to provide with little food we have.”

She nods her head “I understand that but you have us to help out, this little baby will be so well loved and protected by everyone l, also we can send someone else with Jacob to do the runs and find baby food, there’s gotta be some of that food out there” she said brushing a finger through my hair.

“Thanks Em, I love you” I say with a smile and she shoots me a bigger one.

“I love you too Mak” she says and gives me a hug.

I breath out as we let go and I look at her and nod “I’m gonna go tell him.

I clean myself up and walk out of the bathroom and walk over to Jacob in the lounge and give him a kiss.

“Can I talk to you in private” I say, my voice shaking a bit

Jacob’s brown eyes look into mine “of course love”

I grabbed his hand and pulled him up from the couch and led him up to our room.

Jacob’s POV

“Can I talk to you in private”.

Oh shit did I do something wrong, I honestly don’t know, whatever it is, I’m about to find out.

She grabs my hand and leads me up off the couch and to our bedroom upstairs.

My heart is getting more anxious by the second as Makayla looks at me and says “Sit on the bed”.

I sit down as she sits next to me and gives a breath out as she looks down.

Makayla’s POV

I sit next to Jacob on the bed and look down in nervousness.

“Jacob..I.i” I start to say as I broke down in tears and he grabbed my face in his hands.

“Babe, what’s wrong tell me, it’s ok” he said rubbing his thumbs on both sides of my face.

“I’m pregnant”

I feel him freeze a little and I spoke “Jay…say something”

Jacob’s POV

I froze when those words left her mouth, it was more of a processing kinda moment, I just wanted to be sure I heard the words right.

I’m pregnant

Yep I did my mind wasn’t messing with me.

The emotion that felt suddenly was Elatedness, I was really going to be a father, and to the woman I love.

I didn’t realise that when I snapped out of my dazed state that Makayla was already up of the bed.

Makayla’s POV

When he didn’t speak I suddenly felt embarrassment and I, without a second thought rushed up off the bed and rushed out the bedroom door and down the stairs.

I only had one space in mind at this point: the games room.

I startled everyone in the living area as I flew down the stairs and too the games room and I shut the door behind me.

I walk over to the bar and lean with my hands atop of the counter and try to hold back the tears the threatened to spill. I couldn’t hold it back and I let the tears fall freely down my face.

My whole body racked with sobs as I put my hands in my face as I continued to cry.

I heard door open and then I was suddenly spun around and met with Jacob’s handsome face as he roughly captured my lips with his.

He pushed me lightly against the bar as he continued to kiss me as his placed one hand in my neck and the other on my waist while mines found a place on his chest.

After he pulled away he gave me the biggest grin I have ever seen him have ever and crying tears of joy.

“Honey, I’m so fucking excited to be having this child with you, you’re an absolute goddess, I love you so much” Jacob said as more tears ran down his cheeks.

“I love you too Jay” I say as he pulls me closer to him to give me a hug.

(I was gonna had a bonus with the baby and Jacob but I wasn’t sure)

[nancydrewwouldnever]

Sebastian’s fans were all hating and canceling him for two years when he dated the Spanish girl so I’m not exactly sure why some of them have collectively decided to forget that and now act like he could do no wrong.

I specifically remember seeing interviews for the Disney plus falcon and Wanda shows and he was legit on camera ranting about getting hate from fans while a variety interviewer tried to ask him something related to work. It was awkward and bizarre to watch because he was clearly affected by the hate he was receiving for all of that. He wasn’t good at hiding it either so that was interesting to see.

His fans were canceling him in real time and claiming he was aging terribly and all his movies were terrible because one only made 300 dollars at the box office. They all claimed he was racist too by association and etc. it was literally the same thing ppl are saying about CE now.

Yet two years later they forgot what they once said about him and now these same ppl are gloating because Chris is currently suffering a rough patch.

It’s very ironic to me. Like just because one guy broke up with the racist girl and got some recognition he’s suddenly free of all blame from whatever y’all decided to cancel him for for two years? The same ppl who claimed his friends were all clout chasers too.

The main difference here is that Chris is still in his drama and hasn’t apparently risen above it yet. So his former fans and new haters have decided this is rock bottom and he will never recover.

Okay, so some alternative viewpoints to consider, thank you.

I just think Chris' career can't recover if he doesn't find a personal passion for his work again. I think you have to be the engine of your boat, as it were.

[maddie-flemflam]

Hope pt 2 (Future Leo x reader)

(Surprise, I wrote a mini sequel! I couldn’t get my mind off it and I felt like I had to writing a happy ending for all the lovely turtle fans out there. Hope you all enjoy!)

It has been a few weeks since the Kraang attacked the old base, and the discovery of (Y/n)’s miscarriage. She was almost fully recovered physically since her spine was nearly crushed. She has been doing walking exercises and stretches to get her strength back with Donnie. However, mentally, she was still heartbroken. Losing a child was the worst pain she has ever felt in her life. She felt like she failed them and she could never forgive herself. Leo comforted her every night as she would cry herself to sleep. Leo was doing alright, for he kept his mind busy planning missions, supply runs, and patrolling the area, but he wished there was something he could do for her.

(Y/n) was laying in bed reading a novel she found on one of her supply-run missions. It was the only thing that could take her mind off things while Leo was on missions. Until someone’s yelling broke her out of the fantasy world, “I HAVE BROUGHT MY KID WHO WANTS TO MEET HIM?!” (Y/n) squeaked as her book was thrown into the air and landed on the pillow. She got up quickly and peeked out of the bedroom to see Mikey down the hallway with a big smile on his face “(Y/n) you gotta meet to see him! He is so cute and tiny!” he rushed back into the room to see the new baby. She hesitated a little looking at the entrance of the common room. Was she ready to see the new baby? What if she breaks down again? Leo came out of the commons room and saw her dazed expression. He walked over to her and held her hand, “Hey, you don’t have to go in if you don’t want to. I know it’s hard for you.” (Y/n) flinched a little at the contact of his hand, but she squeezes his hand “N-No I want to… I'm just a little scared…” Leo rubbed her hand and smiled a little “I’ll be there for ya. Say the word, and I’ll pull you out of there, okay?” (Y/n) nodded slowly and smiled a little “Okay…” He kissed her forehead and suddenly smiled so brightly “Seriously you gotta meet him though he is so cute!” He drags you to the room and she giggled a little trying to catch up with his pace “Alright alright! You don’t need to pull me!”

In the commons room stood Cassandra Jones, one of the fearless soldiers in the resistance. (Y/n) has seen her a couple of times in the past, but since the invasion, she hasn’t seen her in a while. Her short black hair was flipped to the side with one side shaved off and was wearing green camouflage pants and a black tank top. She could see her hockey stick poking out from behind her, it has seen better days. However, what caught (Y/n)’s attention was a little bundle of blankets in her arms and could hear cooing noises as Mikey and April was making funny faces over Cassandra’s shoulder. Donnie had his goggles over his eyes examining the baby. Cassandra glanced up and waved her over “Come meet the newest and greatest warrior!” She sounded so proud of her baby, even though he couldn’t walk or talk yet. (Y/n) walked over to Cassandra slowly and gasped at what she saw. In the blankets was a tiny baby boy with black hair and the chubbiest cheeks she has ever seen. The baby looked in her direction and smiled showing his gums and stretched his arms out to her. (Y/n) flinched at the gesture and stood still staring at the baby in worry. Leo saw her expression and smiled a little as he walked over and took the little one into his arms with such care. Cassandra tilted her head in confusion wondering why her frenemy wouldn’t take the baby, but April glanced over and whispered in her ear. Leo turned towards his wife and held the baby out to her “Come on, it’s okay” he whispered putting him in her arms.

Out of instinct, (Y/n) fixed her posture and held the swaddled baby up with one arm behind his head and one around his back. She looked at the baby in her arms and smiled like her cheeks were gonna pop, and tears clouded her vision as the baby stared up at her and cooed patting her cheek. “Hi there little one, welcome to the crazy world.” She whispered as the baby continued to touch her face cooing like there was no care in the world. Leo smiled as he went around behind her, wrapped his arms around his waist, and laid his chin on her shoulder. “He’s cute huh?” “He’s so cute,” she said holding him close as the little one nuzzled into her shirt and grabbed onto it. “What’s his name?” (Y/n) looked over at Cassandra, who turned away quickly wiping tears from her eyes, and glanced back with a big grin on her face like she wasn’t crying at all. “Only the greatest there ever is on this planet!” She explained with her chest puffed out and hands on her hips.

“Galileo?”

“Lou Jistu?”

“Leo jr?!”

“I hope it’s not Shredder”

Everyone was suggesting names that they were hoping were right. Especially April and Leo. “No, no, definitely no, and no I thought of something better. ” Cassandra stated pointing at everyone who was suggesting ridiculous names as (Y/n) giggled bouncing the baby in her arms. “It’s me.” She grinned pointing at herself and everyone fell to the floor in disbelief. “Casey Jones…I think it suits him” (Y/n) smiled looking at Casey junior and rubbed his cheek with her finger as he tried to nibble on it. “I don't know, I still think Leo jr is better” Leo pouted crossing his arms. Cassandra glanced at (Y/n) and walked over to her slightly hesitating on what she was about to say. “Hey… if… you ever wanna babysit him or visit him, I wouldn’t mind… I’ll be staying here anyway.” (Y/n)’s eyes widen as she looked at Cassandra “R-Really? Are you sure?” She nods and chuckles rubbing Casey's head as he looked up at his mama cooing “Yeah. I think you're the right person to look after him. I trust you and April more than these idiots.” “Hey!” the boys shouted as they stood up glaring at her. April stuck out her tongue at them wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “You don’t have to accept if you don’t want to, but he seems to like you.” (Y/n) looks down at Casey as he yawned and was falling asleep with his head on her arm. “... Yeah, I think I can handle him.” She smiled as everyone silently cheered as the baby was fast asleep.

After a while, Cassandra took Casey to a room where they both could get some rest after a long journey. (Y/n) and Leo lay in bed with their arms around each other like it was any other night, but tonight, her husband noticed that her mood changed completely since she was holding Casey. “You seem to be back to your old self huh?” (Y/n) smiled a little and looked up at him “A little… I don’t know I just… when I held him it was like I was holding the world… He is so small and fragile that I don’t want anything to happen to him.” Leo rubbed her back and nuzzled into her shoulder “You will be a great caretaker to him… We both will protect him” She smiled as she nuzzled into his cheek and kissed his temple. “Just don’t tell him your terrible dad jokes.” “Hey! My jokes are the best” He stated as he tickled her sides and the sounds of laughter from his wife were music to his ears. Once she calmed down, she looked up at Leo and smiled putting a hand on his cheek “I love you” “I love you too” He cupped her face into his hand and capture her lips into his. She smiled in the kiss and kissed him back. (Y/n) may have lost a child of her own, but she welcomed baby Casey with open arms and was going to make sure to protect and care for him like he was her child. After all, he’s got the whole family looking out for him. Everything was going to be just fine. He was going to be their hope for a better future.  

Bonus scene: “So how exactly did you have a baby? I don’t recall you having a love interest or any interest in having a kid.” (Y/n) asked tilting her head at Cassandra, holding Casey, and with Leo beside her his arm wrapped around her waist. Cassandra looked at her frenemy/caretaker in the eye and said, “I’ll leave it to your imagination.” (Y/n)’s and Leo’s eyes widen and looked down at Casey who was happily playing with her hair and stared up at his new aunt and uncle. The married couple was trying to process the whole situation. Let’s just say they were overthinking the possibility of Cassandra having a secret lover or stealing someone’s baby. It was all on a whiteboard.

[totheblood]

i know this is something everyone goes through after a breakup and it’s just part of the healing process, but i haven’t had been attracted to or had feelings for someone ever since me and my ex broke up. to be fair that relationship pretty much drained all my happiness, and even now i’m still recovering from it but i’m just scared that i’ll remain this way. My friend told me that i’m romanticizing the idea of romance and that after everything i SHOULDNT be upset about not having feelings for someone or being attracted to someone since i’m still healing and i should be focused on that. i guess it’s because my life hasn’t been this peaceful in a while and now it feels foreign. it feels great! just different and i’m trying to adjust.

- btw i absolutely love your writing🫶the way you write ellie is so on point in my opinion and your plots are very enjoyable.

well, i think to an extent your friend is right, but it doesn't mean you won't feel the effects or that you shouldn't focus on it. it's a natural instinct to want to be loved, to be in a relationship, and to be able to give love in a way you once did. when i left an abusive relationship i kept waiting for the time i'd feel normal, and be able to date someone. it was so fucking annoying not being able to feel something for someone, even if that person liked me and wanted me. but, i wasn't ready and deep down i knew that but i dated that person and long story short we dated a WEEK. one whole WEEK because i couldn't do it.

and then one day you will be speaking to someone and boom, your feelings are back. but just because they are back doesn't mean the fear isn't there. it's just another obstacle, working through the fear that this relationship will be like your last one. but again that will also take time and i pray that you find someone patient enough to hold your hand through it, or likes you enough to understand where you're coming from and sit with that discomfort.

but you're allowed to feel bad, and you're allowed to be upset that you can't seem to feel the way you used to, i just want you to know that it does end, and it will end for you too. so keep that in mind.

thank u so much!!!! this is my fave compliment to hear, like that i write ellie well cause thats all that matters to me atp.