#and that it can hurt those of us who struggle with going nonverbal when people portray it as just a choice bc we cant help it

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day

then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)

[cripplecharacters]

Hello! Your blog has been incredibly helpful for me, thank you for doing what you do

Disability is a core theme of the stories I make, so accessibility is one of my most important goals. For reference, I write books but my main project is a show that’s sometimes semi-animated and sometimes similar to visual novel style dialog.

Some of the things I’m doing now are subtitles and narration that’s baked into the show itself, sticking to a simpler style of writing, and making it free to watch. It’s one part practicality and one part frustration at being told these things “ruin the experience” for others. Now they’re a core part of the experience.

But those are just the things I find personally helpful, I only have my own viewpoint. My question is what are other things I can do to make my story more accessible?

Specific things I’ve been struggling with are showing nonverbal communication (The narration covers a lot of this, but not enough) and conflicting needs. I know some things will help some people but hurt other’s experiences (ie, subtitles) which is a really hard thing to navigate! So advice on that would be helpful

Thank you!

- @interroblog

Hello lovely asker!

So I'm gonna throw out some ideas here at the start and these are in no way me saying "You have to do this". No, just me tossing some ideas out and maybe they hopefully help! 😁 Let's try this.

First off you also mentioned that it's part of your style in the way you're animating as well. I think if it's your style that you shouldn't have to change that either. It's both something that is unique to how you choose to do things and it also aids in accessibility. You shouldn't feel pressured to change it because some people find subtitles or Narration annoying. It ultimately comes down to how you want to do it, so again here are some things I could think of.

So if the site you're hosting your show on allows you to have toggle on subtitles and audio descriptions I would do that. If not what you can do is when you put your animation through you can have multiple. Kinda like with certain shows or movies you have a version in its original language and a version that's Voiced over with another language. If you want to accommodate your audience perhaps you can have a version:

Without any subtitles or audio descriptions

With subtitles

With audio descriptions

With both the subtitle and the audio description

Granted going this route may be more work than just doing it all together (I'm not 100% sure, I don't know animation very well) but it's certainly an option. I think the process of rendering and saving it at the end (having to do it multiple times) and in regards to space may be an issue.

Another thing you can do is write up a description transcript for each episode so that people can look at it for reference. Some people use screen readers or braille displays that read over this information for them if you're worried about the text itself. Here's a good example of one done from a DeafBlind film done in the 60's at Perkins [Warning for typical 60's language regarding disability]. It usually includes what an audio description would just typed out.

Another thing you can do is see and look around for anyone who is fluent in the local Sign language that your show is in and see if anyone could record and interpret it for you too, if you want to have that option for people as well.

You could also do kinda like comics and Manga do where they mark the sounds/actions on the panel/animation it self.

[Manga panel from the Manga "Shino-chan can't say her name"]

For instance in this manga panel there's no dialogue but the author gives us multiple cues which the translator also translates as well. There's the foot steps with the text getting bigger and bigger letting us know that the sound is getting closer and the direction, then in the next panel we have two exclamation points letting us know she's alarmed and aware. The text of the foot steps is now darker and bold and we see the streaks around the characters hands letting us know that she hurriedly wrapped up her box. Then we have the word "Sneak" in bold lettering against the wall where the character is pearing over.

Now I'm not sure what type of nonverbal communication your using so I'm gonna go over things a little vague.

Sign Language [Mostly in ASL because that's the sign language I'm most familiar with and can understand the most]

Here's two animations by @scoliwings and they're both in ASL and the way the person made them is with captions into the animation (also they're very cute and lovely). The show ThisClose also does this with their entire Pilot episode but then only does it with their ASL scenes moving forward in the series. The people who wrote and produced the show note that while they made the show surrounding the deaf community and about the deaf community they wanted the show to reach their hearing audience.

This scene that is with a translator has no captions whatsoever. While this scene between the two main characters using ASL does have captions. Then this one does have captions that go away when the characters communicate verbally.

This is a constant thing of multiple different medias is they kinda choose between which audience they want to pertain to. And whoever they choose, it usually ends up leaving the other out or not 100% involved usually at the fault of accessibility on streaming services/wherever the media is being hosted.

If someone Deaf/Hoh wanted to watch this show and there's no captions available on whatever platform is hosting it then it wouldn't be accessible to them. And if they are fluent in ASL, those parts have captions all the way through. For instance those videos on YouTube, not all of them are accessible because they don't have the toggle on Closed Captions. So the moments where there's characters who speak English and don't sign ASL, especially if the camera isn't on them when they're talking, it's just not accessible.

In the episode "Into the Mystic" on Supernatural, they introduce Eileen's character. This is the only episode that she uses ASL by itself, every other episode she is in uses SimCom and she code switches or uses English. Again captions are in the episode Everytime ASL is used except for scenes where she's signing in the background for instance this scene. From This Gifsets by @winchestergifs

[Gif of Eileen from Supernatural. She's sitting across from an older woman on a couch and she signs in American Sign Language "You" while pointing at the older woman, then she forms her fists into a 'S' shape one on top of another and moves them to the right, she then finger spells "Bait".]

It's never translated, not even in the script or the transcript. Even while this show is targeting their hearing audience they still gloss over things like this. (I also want to note that me and Mod Rock spent a while trying to figure out the second sign and came up empty handed as well 😅)

Now when it comes to Audio Descriptions, it's usually "[Character name] signs [dialogue in Verbal Language]". If it's the first time introducing the character or the character is switching languages, then specify what Sign language off the bat, ASL, BSL, ISL (SEE, SSE,) etc. It's the same as in writing that you write the character dialogue followed by "[pronoun/character name] signed". The shows that I know of that have characters using Sign language and have Audio Descriptions is The Boys (kimiko's scenes), ThisClose also has them, Bridgerton (episode 1 scene in s3, it's one scene in BSL but it's there!), and I'm pretty sure Echo does too (it should, I'm looking at you streaming service) but I've yet to watch that last one. Listening to them might help you with getting a grasp of writing them if you have any signing characters.

Ex. Eileen signs in ASL "You sure you don't want both?"

Another thing with Sign language though is body language and expressions and even things like story telling are there also. So describing an action can give a lot of context of feeling and what is going on in the scene. Here's another ASL animation that is in the works and they go more in detail of how they are animating body motion, face expressions and such. Craig of the creek is an animated kids show that also has BASL and ASL in it (and I love how they go about the characters dialogue, the signs are so well animated, and the friend translating and the others learning for him too.)

There's also Pro-tactile & Tactile Sign language. Granted I've never seen or do I know of a show/movie/short with pro-tactile in it or Tactical Sign Language but if anyone were to do that the audio description would probably be like "[Character A] puts their hands over [Character B]. [Character B] signs [dialogue]". That would be for the Hand over method which is Tactile Sign Language.

For Pro-tactile, this involves other forms of communication such as back channeling, mapping, haptics. It should be translated much the same I believe because these certain elements of the language are used to portray emotional tone, contact/interaction, as well as directions.

Here's some examples of pro-tactile and tactile sign language since I know it's not largely known: (all ASL)

Pro-tactile: Video 1 (Captions & No Voice Over), Video 2 (Captions & Voice Over) and it goes further into specifics of Hand placement, Back channeling while Standing & Sitting, Video 3 (Voice over & Captions). Here's five vlogs in PTASL also, no captions or voice over so Fluency in ASL is needed.

Tactile Sign Language: I was having a hard time finding videos (for some reason) but Here is a segment in a video where they show it. Here is another short video too!

Of course you don't want to describe every movement when it comes to Sign language but you want to describe the base movement. If someones Tracking, (this is where a person holds the wrist area of the other person who is signing so that it's in their field of vision) you might describe that before the dialogue. "[Character] puts their hands over [characters] wrist" and so on and so forth.

Haptics/Mapping may also be very similar but they're mostly used in describing the layout of an area someone is in, directions to somewhere, how to navigate the surrounding area. This is gonna be just explaining how they are moving. The same can be said with Visual Vernacular. It's movement to describe something or to tell a story it's not Sign language but a movement of general understanding. Here is a video where an interpreter details Visual Vernacular alongside ASL. Here's the one without the voice over as well.

AAC

The movie Come Play is a horror movie centered around a non-verbal boy with autism who uses an AAC app on his phone. His device is the one where speech is generated from the different buttons that correlate with the words he clicks. I couldn't find an example of an audio Description for this movie anywhere but it might be similar to the next example.

The Boys again also has scenes with Kimiko where she uses her phone to communicate and such. And the audio description usually sounds like "Kimiko types on her phone, it reads [dialogue]". The only difference in Come Play would be that the Dialogue wouldn't be narrated because it's already done so by the AAC device in the movie, but subtitles would be needed.

Speechless gives a lot of examples between low-tech and high-tech examples. This scene in particular where all the characters are in one scene. The main character (JJ) uses a laser pointer and a word/alphabet board with the assistance of an aid. In this instance the aid reads aloud everything that JJ communicates. If you're one on one though, much like with sign language, you wouldn't really read aloud everything they say especially if it's a private conversation. Instead the pov would probably show the characters AAC method they use whenever they communicate. For the audio description it might be something along the lines of "[Character] points and says [dialogue]".

I've never seen other types of AAC in media so it would probably be the same when it comes to Audio Description when describing another method like print on palm. it might be something like "[character] grabs their hand and writes [dialogue]".

In the show In The Dark the scenes with braille are described as "[character] runs their fingers over the braille, it's read [dialogue/text]". And on that topic, In the show All The Light We Can Not See, it has a really (really really really) good basis of what an Audio Description should be like. It also has multiple featurettes and an audio introduction with it that goes more in depth to explain the costumes, settings, the characters, and other visual information that is often important but left out in the audio descriptions due to the pacing of the show/film.

Immersion was the goal, much like with the production of Romeo and Juliet in PTASL that was performed. Introducing your characters and settings in a little short animation before hand or at the begining as a little segment may be something you can do/consider.

This video details some other forms of communication that I may or may not have left out (Auslan & Voice over). Finger Braille (Video of one handed with translator), Lorm Method, Touch Glove alphabet Method, and some other methods I think can all be described relatively the same. You want to describe the base action of what they're doing (writing, pointing, typing, grabbing, lifting, touching etc) and then focus on their dialogue.

Also I don't use any form of AAC to communicate so if anyone who does finds error, please correct it. Or even if there has been a discussion on this before among the community please reiterate or link to it so we have first hand experience and voices as well.

Known problems with audio Descriptions

Here's a Small history and more in depth article written by someone who needs audio descriptions. They primarily talk about its lack of rush to be used in cinema and primarily the UK.

Describing everything but the characters race: I've heard that this is an issue specifically for Netflix that the audio descriptions are good but they never mentioned the race of the character which some people have made note about. (I don't know much about this I will say just I've heard it around here and there)

Here is a post that goes more into detail about Audio descriptions as well by @accessibleaesthetics. And here is an all around really Good source as well called The Audio Description Project.

Forgetting character entrances & exits: This is important because people need to know what characters are in the scenes. Much like in a play with stage directions you need to know who comes in and when they exit.

Over describing/under describing: I read a debate about the use of over describing and under describing when it comes to AD's. The example given was when describing facial expressions. Option one is to just say "[Character] is surprised". Option two is to describe the facial expression in all its little details "[Character] opens their mouth, their eyebrows raised and eyes wide". Under describing in general seems to be a issue but when it comes to things like body/facial expressions it's best to keep it simple and to the point for another reason that I list down below.

Forgetting small details: the audio descriptions of All The Light We Can Not See, and The Boys do a fantastic job of small details. For others some things are glossed over but then don't make sense later on in the scene. For instance, if the character picks up a knife and this isn't narrated but then the part of them stabbing another person is then, it's kinda like "Oh well I guess the character picked up a knife at some point" but the exact moment isn't specified. In this article, the person who makes Audio Descriptions tells that he had described someone as Smoking a cigarette when he was in fact smoking Weed. He says the reason he realized the difference is because these are two separate substances that change the perception of the character. The little details matter because of the implications and importance to who is doing it and why, when gathering all the information and understanding a character.

Misnaming/mixing up characters: The same article I listed right before also says how mixing up characters is an issue sometimes too.

For audio descriptions in general I think listening to a few different ones might help with getting a grasp on how to do them/better do them. AudioVault is one place that if you can't find audio descriptions of your shows or movies, they might have it there. In this instance, maybe listening to your favorite movies or shows with the audio descriptions on might help you. Most shows/movies that are original to Netflix have them, the same with other streaming services like Peacock and Amazon Prime.

I don't use audio descriptions a lot because my tinnitus makes it difficult but I sometimes turn them on (when available) to understand scenes that are confusing to me. Certain actions and how the cameras frame them don't make sense to me sometimes, or even I can't see because of the lighting of the show or movie and so I need to know what's going on. This brings us to that beside people who are low vision or blind, many other people use Audio Descriptions for different reasons too. The same points can all be made for people who use Subtitles/closed captions as well.

Issues with captions/Things that need to be more common with captions

Names: Some captions have the names of the characters next to their dialogue. A lot don't do this. I think it should be done because of many reasons but mainly it makes it easier to follow along for everyone who uses captions.

Tonal Cues: As I mentioned before Tonal Cues in Captions would be so very helpful for a lot of people.

Don't censor: Don't censor swear words, slurs, anything, write it as it's said. Unless it's actually censored in the audio (which is usually done for comedic reasons) then do that.

Lyrics/music/background sounds: So not only making sure to include the songs that are playing over certain scenes but also making sure to include the soundtrack and background music that is playing. Almost every movie and show uses music as an indication for tone, often times characters or certain situations have their own theme too. These are all important to note when writing captions. The caption writers of Stranger Things did amazing when it came to background noises, writing every creak and bang is important especially if it's being heard and reacted to by either the characters or the audience.

Include language changes: This has long been an issue when you're watching something in one language and then when they switch languages it just says "Speaking in [language]". Instead write out what they said in that language. So instead of "Speaking in Spanish", actually write out "Sana sana colita de rana". If the character knows what they're saying because they speak the language you can also put another set of subtitles under it translating it. If you're doing a sorta comedic scene where the audience needs to know what is said but the character doesn't, then do the same, write it out in the language "Ay dios mio!" And then under/above it put the translation "Oh my God!".

Include different speech patterns: If the character has a stutter write it, if they're slurring their words together write it.

Auditory/Visual Learners: Some people just do better retaining and understanding information when it's in an auditory form. For some people, they're able to retain information more by reading it rather than hearing it as well.

People Who Have Trouble With Social Cues: Okay so a continuation to the "Over Describing/Under describing" bullet points above. For people who have trouble reading body/facial cues, the audio descriptions help by describing it as The character is happy, scared, shocked, surprised etc. This is part of the reason why it's best to use those words instead of describing every movement that goes into a person's expression/body language. Like wise Closed Captions with Tonal Cues would also help and serve much of the same purpose but those are rarely ever seen (in my experience).

Help People Learn The Connection Of Words And Actions: a lot of people are always learning new languages and being able to connect the word to the action helps with the understanding of new languages. Again the same for closed captions, being able to look at how words are spelt while listening to them helps grasp a better understanding.

Overstimulation: For some people looking and listening to something at the same time can be too much and it becomes overwhelming. I know I often turn off the sound to a lot of movies I watch and just use subtitles because sometimes commotion/yelling especially in like action movies is a lot. For some people, a lot of visual movement and constant rapid actions can be overwhelming as well.

Dark Screens: As I mention, especially more recently in the media industry, things are a lot harder to see nowadays. The same can be said with dialogue and why a lot of people may opt-in for subtitles and captions because things are just so hard to hear now.

The Busy Bees: Some people just like to multi-task and much like an audio book, you can do something (chores, crafting, homework etc) while listening to the show and not miss any visual information. Multi-tasking also helps some people concentrate better on what they're working on too much like music helps some people.

People With Other Medical Conditions That Make Viewing Screens Inaccessible: If your having a migraine or headaches, a screen is the last thing you want to look at, and for some people, noise is a trigger for them. They're also a known trigger for many people with epilepsy/seizure disorders. People who have photophobia also may AD due to the light sensitivity. People with ADHD, autism, Prosopagnosia, Processing Disorders, and many many other things that I can't possibly list them all, all may use Subtitles or AD's for multiple different reasons.

Okay, that was a lot, got a bit long, but hopefully I covered everything! Things could be more organized but it works so hopefully this helps! I'm not very familiar with animation so anyone who is, please feel free to add on in a reblog to share a few tips and tricks!

~ Mod Virus 🌸

[psychologeek]

Uncovered Blade

"Who am I? (to disapear)" - Chapter 1, Part 4  fic | Part 1 | index

@thepromptfoundry

Getting back to the explaining, hopefully. I'll try this for Pride 2 Disability Boogaloo. Bc Nonverbal Cass is something we don't see a lot - especially not characters with no concept of langauge. more in A/N. If you haven't read the fic, I highly recommend to at least familiar yourself with the first chapter before continueing reading.

[TW: post-dehumanization (Weapon thinks of itself as "it"), mention of blood and child taught to violence. lmk if need more. my words are little hard now.]

Weapon is changing. 

Uncovered blades are seen - it had to find new covers. There were people looking and noising. It took time, but Weapon found the pattern. They pointed and stared at the blood-on-fabric, at the arms, at the uncovered stomach. They were looking and noising at the soft prey with all the soft parts all show up.

Bb!Cass: why ppl stare?

A random person: am I seeing ghosts or hallucinations???

*panicking over this kid, who's wearing bloody lingerie.

Bb!Cass: they surely see me as weak. I must show them i'm not a prey. And find better camouflage.

Even when Weapon and dagger point at them they don't stop. Just noising even more, their  body bends and goes in ways it can't understand.

Random person 2 *nearly shitting himself as he come across this little girl in a dark alley*: wtf!?? Omg, girl, u need help??

Cass *hiss*: if I threat enough, they would go hurt someone else.

It finds new covers. It takes them. Big cover, like a shirt but open, from a chair. It's bigger than all the covers, up and down, together. It's thick and warm and feel – It feels – ( Good? )

It's very important for me that you know what Cass finds is a leather jacket. It's too big for them, and they keep it for years, until it's all turn up.

Years later, Jason buys a similar jacket in a second hand shop. And it's the first time in years he remembers his past with anything but anger.

(Red Hood wears a red helmet to remember why he needs to do this, yes. But he also wears a leather jacket to remind himself who's he doing it FOR. Because it isn't about hurting people. It's about protecting those who needs it the most. )

There are green, metallic monsters all over. It eats things and doesn't let go. People come to feed it when there's light. Sometimes when it's dark as well, but not as much. Weapon watched it before. The monsters are common, fed in different times but constantly. The monsters have a big weakness - they don't move. Maybe they let people in the big building in exchange for being fed.

Hi, how do you describe urban view when you didn't grow up in a community, and also never allowed to talk?

(Asking for a friend)

Weapon see shoes one day. in a big plastic bag hanging by one of the monsters. ( See and WANTS. Weapons aren't allowed to want, but –  It doesn't have a master anymore.)

This is where I cry.

Weapon watch. No one's looking.  Weapon prepare. Weapon strike and run run run until no one of the monster's people can find it.

The monsters:

(Weapon has shoes now. Keep the feet from getting hurt, from getting cold.) Pants..? Fabric long and cover all the legs, so no one see the soft skin and prey. There was a big box, just reach and take. It's too big but rope is easy to get and tie up the edges. Dagger is covered and tied to pants rope. It cut through wood and not flesh. It slices open plastic bag to find food (not veins); 

It's no longer a weapon – Just a blade.

Yes I am very normal about the transformation, and the way Cass project all the changes on the dagger 😭😭😭

And the growth, in general.

And just.

A/N:

abt nonverbal:

I'm not there. I do speak, mostly. But I try to portray what it's like when the concept of langauge is a struggle - bc it isn't always about "why don't you use your words"

Sometimes it's about understanding that there are words. That there is a way to make others understand. And by "words" I also mean signs (like in sign langauge).

(And yes, it can be scary. But it can also be funny. And strange. And everything, just like everything in life.)

What I loved about writing this fic, is how Cass is very clearly disabled in many ways - but it doesn't mean helpless or incapable.

Cass's disabilities are both biological, aka born with (autistic), psychological (raised as a weapon), and social (homeless, no parental support).

But they go on. They do the best with what they have.

And I love them for that

(Deep inside, I'm getting closer to comfort my inner child. Reminding her that she's doing her best. That it's not her fault. That things would get better.)

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Waking Comfort (Bela Dimitrescu/Reader)

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language, brief violence (in a flashback), implied/referenced trauma (unspecified) Warnings: N/A Summary: Unable to sleep on a cold day, Bela Dimitrescu tries to find comfort in her favorite servant... only to end up being the one doing the comforting. Notes: This is super self indulgent, because my dreams have been murdering me recently. Reader is a selective mute/partially nonverbal, implied neurodivergent (unspecified), gender neutral but written with a non-binary person in mind, with non-specific past trauma. Basically this is somewhat of a self-insert fic but I've smudged some lines to make it more relatable for other people.

----------------

In the early hours of the day, when the sun had yet to reach its peak, a cold quiet fell over Castle Dimitrescu. Most inhabitants were of a nocturnal persuasion, and lay sleeping soundly at this hour. Those few that thrived in the sun moved softly, with caution, daring not to awaken their masters. Oh, if only they knew that one Lady of the house was awake, prowling the corridors with marked intent. What a chill it would send down their spines- what lovely fear would permeate the household.

Ah, but that was not what Bela Dimitrescu desired, at least not for now. No, what she needed was something she would never admit out loud. It was a “base” need, one that all humans felt, and so she feared that it was beneath her. There was only one person that she could trust for this: A servant, experienced in all matters needed of them, level-headed, compassionate… and, most importantly, selectively mute.

Over the past year, Bela had found herself growing closer to you, much to her own surprise. The two of you had started to bond through reading, after you had helped her reorganize a mess in the library (left by none other than Lady Daniela). Since then, you had proven to be a valuable ally, always finding creative solutions to the family’s problems. From jury-rigging a set of climbing gear for repairs, to proof-reading all formal letters, there was hardly any part of Bela’s life that you hadn’t assisted with. All while only ever saying two or three sentences- short ones, at that.

Neither of you would ever forget the first (and only) time you spoke out loud. A would-be hunter had infiltrated the estate, through a damaged skylight (which you later repaired), intending to prove his worth by killing the nobility inside. By the time Bela arrived, after being notified by a terrified maiden, she found the situation had already been aptly handled. There you had stood, clutching an ornate, bloodied cane like a club. In front of you had been the unconscious hunter.

“You could have been hurt!” Bela had snapped, unable to stop herself, glad that her sisters hadn’t arrived yet. Then you had glanced at the man, then her, then back to the man. Something uncharacteristically dark had danced in your eyes.

“He said he was going to save me… from you. Called me defenseless,” you had snarled, poking the man with your cane as you did. “Rude.” Before Bela even had a chance to react, her sisters had appeared, disappointed to find the fight already over. They had fought over who would get to kill the hunter, and somewhere in that chaos you had slipped away without another word.

That day had replayed itself in Bela’s mind hundreds of times in her mind. Though she would not readily admit it, that had been the day that her casual affection for you had started to turn into something more serious. These days she didn’t even know how to describe your relationship- after all, you had never told her how you felt. But you had held her, closely, fingers running through her hair while she fought off memories from someone else’s life. Held her in your arms, as she held you, staving off the cold like it was all you had ever known.

This was what she wanted. Your touch, your comfort. All that stood in her way was a familiar question: Where were you? Master of your environment, schedule constantly in flux, you were rarely where anyone expected you to be, especially when you were prone to taking on whatever tasks others hadn’t had time to finish. So Bela searches, quickly, around places the day-shift tends to gather. She’s careful not to be seen, even though she knows the maidens aren’t likely to gossip where her family might hear. In the end she catches a hint of your scent near the servants’ quarters, and curses herself for not checking there sooner.

Your room is one of the only single-occupancy rooms in this wing. Only senior staff were allowed within these places, most of them rotating out as they “lost their usefulness”. The fact that you had slept in the same bed every night for six months was a testament to your skill. It’s the kind of thought that brings Bela some semblance of warmth in her chest. Still, the thought alone is not enough, so she slowly eases your door open.

Her ears strain against the silence, listening for the pattern of your breathing, or the telltale murmurs that would announce your awakening. Instead, the first things she hears are little gasps, then the shifting of fabric. Dreams of some sort have you turning and tossing, lungs getting hungry in their pursuit of air. It’s not immediately clear whether or not you are enjoying the dream. Were these good gasps, like those that Daniela often cooed about when she praised her maiden? Or were these the same kind that sometimes haunted Bela herself?...

A whimper cuts through the air, and suddenly Bela loses all patience. Practically running, she crosses the room in an instant, concern etched into her brow. One hand cautiously reaches for your blanket, pulling it back enough for her to slide in next to you. It’s a risk, one that could make you wake up with a panic, but it’s one she’s willing to take. After all, she had asked you about this sort of thing before. Though you couldn’t form full sentences, you had experience “miming” things, and Bela was quite clever with her “yes or no” questions.

When she carefully wraps an arm around your waist, she does so with confidence. Beneath her touch you stiffen, back going as tense as possible, but you stop shaking. A few more gasps leave you, and Bela wonders whether or not she should wake you up. Less than a minute later the decision is made for her. All the sudden your gasping turns to a sharp exclamation, body jerking hard, eyes snapping open. Tension coils through your muscles, driving your already overstimulated brain overboard.

Before Bela can even try to comfort you, you sit up, quickly turning so your legs dangle off the edge of the bed. Muffled sobs pass your lips as you hold your face in your hands. Memories struggle against each other behind your eyes, blocking out every other sensation. Your jaw is clenched, hard, and you struggle to breathe between shakes. A hand touches your back, but quickly moves when you flinch in response. It takes a minute for you to even process who else is with you. Once you do, some of the tension bleeds from your body.

“If you’d rather be alone right now, I understand,” Bela says, quietly, as soon as she thinks you’ll be able to understand her. For a moment you can’t bring yourself to respond, and you can feel her side of the mattress shifting, like she’s getting ready to leave. Panic springs up in your chest again, so you quickly reach a hand out in her direction. Thankfully she knows what to expect at this point, easily finding your hand in the dark, gently taking it within her own. “One squeeze for yes, two for no?”

You squeeze, once.

“Do you want me to hold you?” Bela asks, trying to hide the hopefulness in her voice. It makes you pause, considering, even though you’re still overwhelmed by your sensory inputs. In the end you squeeze her hand twice. “No worries, my dear. Don’t be tempted to push yourself just for my sake.” Somehow she always knew how to read you like an open book. Even with the… difficulty of communicating with you. Not that she had ever complained, or even thought about it. Knowing you, and caring for you, made any effort feel as easy as breathing.

A few minutes pass without another word being said. Sometimes Bela gives your hand a little squeeze, just to check in, and you always return it. Soon enough your brain starts to relax, loosening its vice-like grip on your motor controls. Once again you can ease the tension in your muscles. Then you find yourself rubbing your thumb against Bela’s hand, moving in soft circular motions, head turning so you can smile at her. Even if it’s too dark for you to see much, you know that her eyes see you just fine.

“Feeling any better?” She asks, donning a smile of her own. One squeeze. “Is there anything more I can do to help?” A pause, then one squeeze. Now that your limbs don’t feel as staticky, there’s only one thing on your mind: Cuddling. You’re moving before you know it, briefly letting go of Bela’s hand so you can get closer to her, pressing your face into her neck and giving her a soft kiss. Then you’re falling against the bed, on your side, looking up at your partner with a grin. It doesn’t take her long to get the message, shifting back onto her side so she can hold you for real this time. One of your hands goes to rest on her back, to serve as your translator for the rest of the night. “I love you,” Bela says, without even thinking.

She freezes up afterwards, realizing that this is the first time she’s ever said the words out loud to you. For a moment she’s scared, a feeling alien to her, but she refuses to back down. It pays off a few seconds later, incredibly so, when you return the words the best way you can: One squeeze.

[november-rising]

What are your thoughts on Sam being Captain America in FatWS?

This is a great question!

As a Black female in the United States, Sam Wilson, personally, has been someone I wanted to become a main character and ultimate hero in his own right; yet I allowed the precedent of Black male sidekicks to dampen my expectations. It’s what I’ve grown up with and became accustomed to seeing in TV and movies.

Please note that my focus, for now, is mainly MCU. Sam being Captain America is healing. Throughout CAatWS/FatWS, watching as the reality of what it means to be Black in the US, to function and attempt to belong in the least agitating way for the rest of society, spoke to a piece of my soul that I can’t always express. Watching Sam struggle to not only wrestle with feeling unworthy but to acknowledge that people (ordinary citizens) will want him dead because of the color of his skin - well, that was fear. Fear dictated what Sam thought he could be, initially.

As we see in Episode One, Sam commands his own missions, utilizes his talents as he sees fit while subconsciously mentoring another person of color, that was the first glimpse in the series that Sam was a leader without being overbearing. Sam could recognize the talents of those around him, encourage their strengths, and foster hope, pride, and progress in those around him.

Sam Wilson is a subtle force that no one can fully reckon with. Sam is not just calm. He is considerate, contemplative and reflective. He must be analytical because of the world around him. These external factors include so many social rules and constructs, nonverbal cues, prejudice, racism, stereotypes…the list goes on and on. Can you imagine the drain and strain of catering to these factors first before your own? In some respects, Sam’s ability to maneuver in this world with all those impediments ahead of him is award winning! With grace, empathy, aforethought, and appreciation, Sam Wilson is an example right here and now.

As a Black woman I can only speak to my experience as well as the observations made of my other family members (female and male). To express anything other than humble gratitude is considered a threat. To express anything other than socially sanctioned sass or a sense of wisdom through a preconceived notion of heritage and expectancy is a threat.

As we saw in Episode Two, after learning that yet again the American government has betrayed, tortured, experimented, and mutilated more Black and African men, Sam is hurt and further pressed into fear of what could be done to him. That primary emotion was easily transformed into anger, as it should. He’s angry that yet again those around him failed his people, failed him. This time it’s much, much, much closer to home. He asks:

“Why didn’t you tell me about Isaiah? How could nobody bring him up? […] Steve didn’t know about him?”

Sam put his neck out with Steve. Sam put his neck out for Steve to believe in Bucky. I speculate that, to Sam, for Bucky to withhold Isaiah from him and the public and Black people it was a “Here we go again” moment. Yet again a White person is creating a history that wipes out Black History. He felt betrayed which further instills that you can’t trust those in authority and, in turn, those who are privileged. Yes, that means White people. And then, for him to express what he is experiencing (pain, betrayal, mistrust, fear, anger, sadness, etc), what happens? Oh! Right! The police show up!

(Sidebar: Isn’t it interesting that Isaiah Bradley, the one person who was able to damage the Winter Soldier, was kept under lock and key? This could be an example of Hydra’s insidious influence already infiltrating the US government.)

Sam was hit with so much externally all the while processing his own internal battle. That alone is enough for any person to do the proverbial wiping of their hands and walking away from a situation. But not Sam. Sam fundamentally knows that the world can do better and can be better than it is right now. It’s why he doesn’t walk away from Bucky. It’s why he doesn’t back down from John Walker who could take up the mantle of Captain America and deal with the bulls***. Sam could have been done with it all.

But he wasn’t. I don’t think he could have. He has always moved towards change. Sam recognizes that what he stands for is much bigger than himself. He understood this when he had to play the Smiling Tiger. Black men can be placed in any Black man role because, you know, us Black folks all look the same. Instead of becoming insolent or as my mother would say “snippy-sassy” (bitter and resentful), he rolled with the punches. He can differentiate himself in a way that ensures he is acting rationally and thoughtfully. I mean, he checked in with Bucky after he had to play the Winter Soldier again. Of course he did! Sam appreciates his team. Sam sees those around him, doing what he can to ensure their safety in any way that is needed.

That brings me to my favorite part about MCU Sam. He’s a counselor. I, too, am a counselor so I’m biased when it comes to this aspect of Sam. We saw this in Episode Four when he went to talk to Karli. He didn’t try to talk over her, convince her or any other tactic that someone else *coughJohnWalkercough* could have easily employed. He listened. He found common ground. Sam empathized, normalized, and validated her. That’s not to say he agreed with her 100%. But Sam did create space for her to be calmer, to talk, to think out loud to someone other than the Flag Smashers. Sam is a phenomenal person in his ability to make others feel safe and heard.

Another breathtaking quality about Sam that I admire is his unwavering trust in himself. He knows who he is, why he came to be, and how he can continue. His hope it what internally guides him. Because he’s so sure of his Self, Sam can remain open, curious. It’s why he returned to Isaiah in Episode Five. Sam desires to hear all sides, particularly the individual, personal experience is commendable. He doesn’t allow one thing or person to dictate his actions. Sam questions and evaluates while never wavering from his values.

My number one favorite therapeutic activity I do with my clients is the Values Cards. I won’t go into too much details about the execution of the activity. Just know that by the end, my client will have chosen their top ten values, then top five from those ten, and then their top three values. The values that jumps out to me concerning Sam include Justice, Connection, Compassion, Growth, Honesty, Commitment, Respect, Community, and Courage. These were all displayed in Episode Six and throughout the series.

If those values do not scream Sam Wilson, then I truly have no clue who I’ve been watching over the last seven years.

Sam Wilson has proven that, despite all the constraints put on him as a Black man in the United States, he is worthy. He has shown that Black men can be and are worthy of so much more than this country – this world – gives them. Sam is an icon, a symbol for change.

I shed tears knowing that Sam Wilson is Captain America. He is my Captain America. Until this show, I didn’t know how important Sam Wilson was to me.

Thank you @frostbite883! This was my first ask ever!

[echo-of-sounds]

adhd

How Aizawa, Toshinori, and Hizashi would help and support their s/o who as ADHD.

Warnings: nothing incredibly explicit, but a couple of these talk about sex

Aizawa Shouta

Overstimulation is hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced it. The TV, that lavender candle, the taste of tomatoes, your own hair touching your shoulder overwhelms you to the point you’re crying. Every noise is too loud. Every smell makes you feel like throwing up. Anything that touches you scrapes your skin. Every sensation is just too much.

Aizawa pays attention to anything specific that may trigger you. That lavender candle that’s too strong? He’ll throw it away. Loud restaurants or sand on the beach? Eh, he doesn’t like going out that much anyway. He’ll ask what you can tolerate and will change his shampoo, detergent, or whatever else to help you, even if it needs to be odorless. He isn’t picky so the change is easy. He’ll also come up with a nonverbal signal for you to use. Like when you walk by that store that always smells like someone poured out a thousand perfume bottles. Squeeze his shoulder and he’ll lead you someplace safe.

He isn’t bothered by fidgeting, squirming, or overall restlessness. He’s been around Hizashi most of his life and now he’s a teacher. That stuff doesn’t faze him anymore. However, if you’re a pen clicker or a beat tapper, he may snap at you once or twice. Sometimes he just wants a silent room after a long day and hearing those noises could easily set him off. He’d apologize after but will also ask if you could find something else to fidget with, something that doesn’t make noise. When you keep going back to clicking and tapping because it’s mindless, he’ll buy you multiple fidget toys that are quiet. 

He likes to think he’s pretty good handling mood swings since he can control most of his emotions quite well. But the keyword is most. His anger and frustration flare up every now and then. It all depends on his stress level and how tired he is. So when you can’t pass a level on that stupid phone game or when the bread tie is on wrong and it ignites your anger so much that you lash out to a simple question he asked, he might just snap back. An argument could brew quickly even though you aren’t actually mad at each other. 

It’s in your best interest to take some time to calm down and gather your thoughts. When you’ve relaxed, you’ll have to be the one to approach him. He won’t since you snapped first and wants you to have space. He also won’t know when you’ve calmed. You’ll find him stewing on the couch with his little pouty face. After some apologies, he’s fine. He understands you have difficulty managing emotions. He just wishes you wouldn’t take your anger out on him.

He really tries not to get frustrated with your trouble focusing and poor planning/time management. He has to keep reminding himself it’s something you struggle with- everyone has things they struggle with. But you can hear his heavy sigh as he repeats himself for the fifth time this conversation. You don’t need to apologize. He knows you did nothing wrong. His sigh is more out of exhaustion than anything. More patience is something he’ll learn for you.

Hypersensitivity is somewhat daunting to Shouta when it comes to sex. He’s generally rough, fast, and quiet in the bedroom, often without realizing. It’s his go-to setting. If he ever looked up and saw you crying because his fingers and tongue hurt, he’d feel uncertain of himself next time. To help you, he'll train himself to go slower and be gentler. He’ll also start talking more during sex to be more open with you.

Yagi Toshinori

Chores and tasks can be difficult to remember. You’ll look right at the pile dishes and not notice it. Or you’ll say you’ll do them then forget for three days. Toshi won’t get frustrated. Instead, he’ll place bright sticky notes with reminders where he knows you will see them: on your laptop, bag, pillow, or shoes. 

He’ll learn other ways to work with you. Any appointments go in your phone calendar with notifications on so you can’t ignore them. Whenever you get home, keys and wallet are placed on the counter in their designated spot. Since he has to plan his meals, he’ll set a dinner schedule for you so you don’t forget to eat. If something works, he’ll have you keep doing it. Soon, it’s part of your everyday routine and you do it without thinking.

He’s the best when it comes to handling emotions. After working as a Hero for so long, he’s built up a tolerance to people lashing out. However, if he’s having a bad day, specifically one where he’s insecure, one quick snap from you would upset him deeply. He won’t reply. He doesn’t want to fight. But he will recoil, leaving you alone. Find him when you’ve gathered yourself. If he’s ready to talk, apologize and explain why you were frustrated so he knows it wasn’t about him. Also cuddle him. He could use it.

Any fidgeting or clicking he’s fine with. It’s when you start to pull strings from your clothing, bend and twist something so much it breaks, or pick at your skin, that his concern rises. He doesn’t want you ruining anything, especially yourself. When he sees you fidgeting in a way that’s not exactly good, he’ll hold your hand, either to stop you completely or to let you play with his fingers. It’ll become second nature to him- every time you mindlessly pick at yourself, he’ll mindlessly reach for your hand.

If you’re ever out in public and become overstimulated, he’ll give you his jacket. It’s comfortable. It’s heavy. And it smells like him. He’ll let you wear it and direct you towards a quieter area to sit for a while. If he can’t leave with you, because he is All Might and does attract a lot of attention, he’ll drape it over your shoulders and tell you to go find someplace to rest while he talks to the people swarming you. He’ll find you after and ask what you want to do.

The ebb and flow of your sex drive isn’t a problem for him. During the times where sex has no appeal to you because it’s too many sensations at once, he takes care of himself. When you are in the mood, he’s very aware of your sensitivities. His hands remain light as they run over your skin. His fingers slip tenderly into you. His tongue is gentle with every lick. 

Reaching orgasm is another struggle that’s beyond frustrating. You’re aroused, enjoying every sensation, almost there, then your mind is somewhere else entirely and you’ve lost the build-up. Any accommodations to help you focus, such as a dim room with no noise, he’ll do it. It’ll also let him hear every small sound that comes from you, creating a more intimate moment. It also helps that he loves foreplay- cuddling, kissing, caressing, anything he can get. It relaxes your body, making you in tune with intimacy rather than just reaching your orgasm.

Yamada Hizashi

Hizashi is a physical person. He loves hugging and cuddling. He also loves to talk and sing. All are great qualities by themselves. But if you’re prone to overstimulation, the constant noise and touching can be difficult to manage. Especially since he does it without thinking or telling you- he’ll all of a sudden plop down on your lap or hold your waist or start whistling right next to your ear. If he ever set you off, even if it was an accident, he’d feel terrible. He’ll begin to ask if you’re okay for some cuddling and he’ll tune down the volume of his singing. It might take some time however since he’s always done it without thinking.

Anything that helps you, he’ll buy. Seriously, he’ll buy you so much friggin’ stuff. Blankets, fidget toys, puzzle boxes, candles you find soothing, soft towels, the list goes on. You’ll need to tell him to stop when he brings home a ninth weighted blanket. He might protest and pout a little, saying he just loves you and wants you to know that. Explain that you do, in fact, love him and everything he does but there’s only so many anxiety bracelets one can wear before their arm weighs ten pounds. At least he uses the toys and blankets as well so it isn’t a waste.

You don’t need to hide your excitement and knowledge. If you want to ramble about the differences between Homotherium, Smilodon, and Dinofelis Hizashi will listen with a giant smile on his face even though he has no idea what you’re talking about. He’ll ask questions just to keep you talking because he adores seeing you so excited about and immersed in a subject. In his free time, he’ll look up whatever you were talking about so he can follow along better. And when you’re done, expect him to start venting about a new band he found or some weird instrument he really wants to get.

Being impulsive and blurting out your thoughts before someone else gets to finish their sentence can be annoying to some. It’s not to Hizashi. He does it too and understands that sometimes your mouth starts moving before your brain can consider if it was a good idea. Your conversations are a lot of back and forth babbling while the original context gets lost.

Disorganized? Cluttered? He’s right there with you. To keep your place from getting absolutely chaotic you will need to set aside days for cleaning. It’ll go great until you get distracted by the book you haven’t seen for ten years. And he’ll join you, playing the harmonica he thought he lost.

The desire for or needs during sex can suddenly change. That sex position you loved two days ago could be overstimulating today. Be open with him about where you don’t like being touched and whenever you feel too stimulated. He’s mindful and will focus on all the places you love. And since he likes talking during sex, he’s always checking if you’re comfortable with whatever position you’re in. If he sees your focus shifting, he’ll bring you back with deep kisses and a few tickles to your sides.

You know what? When you think about it, he probably has ADHD as well. Good luck trying to keep each other on track.

[mellometal]

Hi, everyone.

I have something extremely important to talk about that is NOT fandom related. I really do hope this can reach everyone on here, especially since it's still Autism Acceptance Month.

A few quick questions for anyone who happens to see this before I dive right into this: Have you ever heard of Dhar Mann? If so, have you ever seen his videos? What do you think about them?

If you don't know who Dhar Mann is, he's a content creator whose main platforms are Instagram and YouTube. He makes these videos about various scenarios from a couple on the brink of divorce, to kids bullying one of their peers, even about Autism Spectrum Disorder. All of his videos have some kind of message at the end that really drives the point home. One of his most recent videos is about ASD, which is what I'm going to discuss today.

Personally, I think some of his videos are interesting, despite the concepts being reused and recycled over and over; however, how I feel about the video he made about ASD is the complete opposite. I'll summarize the video he made so you don't have to watch it. (If you really want to watch it to see exactly what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna stop you. Do what you need to do in order to form your own opinion.)

The video Dhar Mann made about ASD is about this boy who excludes his autistic brother from participating in activities with his friends at school. The boy bullies his autistic brother and does pretty much everything to make his brother's life Hell, even going as far as to pretend that he doesn't know his own brother. The boy "instantly regrets his decision" when their mom is called into the school to discipline her son for bullying his autistic brother. What his mother says is what REALLY upsets me. The message of this video in particular is this, WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. I wish I was kidding. But here's the message below:

How the video concludes is the boy reluctantly includes his autistic brother in every single activity, the boy sees his brother's potential, and they live happily ever after. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

As an autistic woman who works with disabled people for a living, that message Dhar Mann put in this video specifically is not only extremely ableist, but is also spreading misinformation about ASD.

News flash to all the people who still spread misinformation about ASD: Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school, nor is every single autistic person a young white man who's a Super Genius™️. (I could go on all day long about how the media stereotypes autistic characters and autistic people in general, but that's a whole other topic.) No autistic person is the same, meaning we all fall on the spectrum in different places and all that jazz. There's no "look" to autistic people either because no autistic person looks the same.

Autistic women exist.

Autistic girls exist.

Autistic nonbinary people exist.

Autistic BIPOC and AAPI exist.

Autistic people who are completely nonverbal exist.

Autistic people who are completely verbal exist.

Autistic people who are in the middle of being nonverbal and verbal exist.

Autistic people who require minimal to no support exist.

Autistic people who require moderate support exist.

Autistic people who require full support exist.

Autistic LGBT people exist. (Reason why I bring this one up is because the media almost always shows cishet autistic men and I don't see autistic LGBT representation very often, if ever.)

Autism isn't something you can "catch". People have this same mentality about ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome too, which, by the way, you can't "catch" either.

Autism doesn't "go away" when you reach adolescence or adulthood. Why? BECAUSE AUTISTIC TEENAGERS AND AUTISTIC ADULTS EXIST. Autistic kids grow into autistic teenagers, then into autistic adults.

You can't "cure" it either. Unless you can build a time machine and a device to go back in time to change how a person's brain develops, there is no cure. ABA therapy is a fucking shit show in itself that does more harm than good.

The title of the video is a real squick for me too. It's mostly because I don't particularly enjoy people using person first language (the "boy with autism" part). I've seen many other autistic people on multiple other platforms sharing that same sentiment and preferring identity first language (autistic person). There are also others who prefer using person first language and those who don't have a preference. That's all perfectly valid. Whatever you prefer people using when referring to you, or whatever you refer to yourself as, in this case, is totally valid and I love you. This goes for disabilities in general, not just Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Regarding the message in this video, here's my response to it! A quick heads-up, my response is VERY long and VERY passionate. I was VERY close to making a response video where I tear that video apart AND tear Dhar Mann a new asshole. Unfortunately, it worked me up so much that I was really struggling with what I wanted to say and I had to stop multiple times because I kept stumbling on my words. That's how angry this message made me. I'll try my best to explain whatever parts you have questions about. I put my response in the nicest way I possibly could, despite me seething with rage, wanting to go OFF on him.

(The first part of my response are the first three screenshots, and the second part are the last three screenshots.)

The first part of my response, I did forget to add that the message is offensive and disrespectful to autistic people as a whole. I apologize. My initial comment got way too long. I pretty much covered that when I told him the message is ableist. I wanted to clear that up before anyone asks about it.

The second part of my response is me opening up about my experience with being diagnosed with ASD, formerly known as As//per//ger's Syn//dro//me, at sixteen years old. I also went into how not calling ASD what it truly is (which is a disability) and calling it a "different ability" instead is extremely harmful and is treating being disabled like it's a bad thing.

By the way, saying that a disabled person is disabled isn't a bad thing. I'm disabled. It is what it is. Does it have its challenges? You bet. Does it help me with certain things? Hell yeah. I can really absorb information about my favorite bands, characters, shows, books, etc., and tell you a lot about those things. For example, I can tell you that Su can't ride a bike or read manga and she's okay with that. I can also tell you she can't tie her shoes very well, which is why her boots don't have laces and are slip-on and/or zip-up. But that doesn't mean my struggles are nonexistent or that I never struggle. I do, and it makes my life Hell at times.

The narrative that autism is a bad thing to have, every autistic person is somehow broken and they all need to be "fixed" is also super fucked up and not true. That's the narrative that I received when I was diagnosed by a therapist I had. I'm gonna be real here, I cried when I was first told that I was diagnosed with ASD. I felt like I was broken. I already felt like a total outcast. Being told about my diagnosis made me feel even more broken than I already felt. I was so ashamed of myself, despite me not doing anything wrong whatsoever, that I masked for SEVEN YEARS of my life. I masked for so long that I forgot I was even diagnosed with ASD in the first place. I wasn't taught how to really put my special interests into good use. I kinda had to figure that out on my own. I was pretty much under the assumption that me being interested in anime, cartoons, music, comics, theatre, writing, etc., to the point of obsession, was somehow weird and hurting people around me. You know, despite those things being harmless. Despite me being able to separate those things from other things that are important (like work, for example). Despite my only surviving parent, other family members, and the woman he was dating at the time completely overreacting and not bothering to see exactly what makes these things so special to me.

(By the way, having a disability does not completely make who a person is. There are a lot more things that make who a person is than that.)

It's kinda shocking that I wasn't able to come to terms with my diagnosis until this year. Considering that I masked for so long due to being ashamed of myself, plus being treated like a burden for being disabled, it's probably not very surprising. I initially thought at the time that it was the worst thing to have, as I was already struggling with enough shit back then, but came to realize it's not a bad thing. It doesn't change who I am. But I'm glad I came to terms with it finally nonetheless.

This is getting way too long, so I'm gonna wrap things up here. If you've read this far, thank you so much. I'm sorry this got so long!

If you watched the video, what are your thoughts on it? If this is your first time hearing about Dhar Mann, how do you feel about him? If you're a Dhar Mann fan, did this change your opinion on him in any way? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Have a great day, everyone!

[themadauthorshatter]

... I apologize in advance.

This is my personal idea for a sequel in The Nightmare Before Christmas, and I hope you all enjoy😄🙏. This whole thing will be TV perspective, like the Sanders Sides Beetlejuice AU. For better context, you might want to check out the OTP headcanons in my master post.

🎃🎃🎃

We begin the day after Halloween, in a meeting between Jack, The Mayor, and Jacob, who's here to take notes on how things are run.

He's a little bored, but he's still taking notes and doing well in dealing with The Mayor's whining.

The meeting wraps up and the Skellingtons leave the city hall.

Jack sighs that the meeting went well, at least better than he thought it would, but Jacob admits that he wasn't expecting much to begin with, save for the usual.

Regardless, Jacob still agrees, but asks if it's really necessary to have a meeting immediately after Halloween, because it seems tedious.

Jack gets the confusion, because this is the third meeting he's attended, and nods, saying that it can be tedious, but they need to be on top of everything, in case something happens, like an idea or something they can't do, and to keep The Mayor calm; he's the real workaholic, not Jack.

Jacob bursts into laughter and Jack, also laughing, tells him to be more subtle because who knows who heard that.

Turns out someone DID hear them.

It's Daemon, who is outside sitting against the fountain because he's bored and wanted to see his dad and brother.

Jack asks why he isn't with Sally or Luna, and Daemon explains they're out looking for herbs to restock. He was offered to go with, but he didn't go because he figured they'd want some mother-daughter time.

Jacob thinks to himself that girls are like that, but asks why Zero isn't with him, at least.

He followed Sally and Luna, and, looking back, Daemon doesn't know which would've been more unpleasant: making sure he stood far away enough for Sally and Luna to talk without losing them or having damn near everyone that walked past him say he looked so much like his father and was probably just as terrifying, and that Jack should watch out because Daemon might scare him under the table.

Jack lightly chides Daemon for the comment, but explains that he'll get used to being called the best as he helps him up.

Daemon humms as he stands and places himself next to Jacob, asking how the meeting went.

As they walk, Jack admits that while it was longer than he'd anticipated, the meeting went very well, so this year's Halloween should be pretty eventful.

Daemon echoes that word, eventful, and we focus in on Jacob as his face turns from relaxed joy to slight boredom and thoughtfulness at what Jack and Daemon said.

Eventful.

Does he want to do 'eventful?' Yes.

Does he know how?

Not yet. Because to him, eventful means whatever new idea his father comes up with.

He's pulled out of his thoughts when Daemon asks how he did, being the next Pumpkin King and all.

Jacob shrugs and says he did okay for his third neeting, but Jack corrects him: he did WONDERFUL, giving ideas that could only be gotten from an outsider, like finding a new way to use whatever was in surplus.

That excites Daemon and he asks if Jacob took notes, so he'd remember his ideas for the next meeting.

Jacob nodds and takes a piece of paper out of his pocket, handing it to Daemon.

Jack reads the notes as well, and his face falls a little as Daemon humms in contemplation.

We do not see what's written, but Daemin returns the note to Jacob, saying that he's written really good notes.

Jack isn't very enthused by what he read, will still agree that the notes themselves are really good.

Jacob notices, but doesn't question it.

They meet Sally, Luna, and Zero at home, glad to see the boys home.

Sally asks how the meeting went and Jack changes his answer from before as he and Sally give each other a peck on the lips, because they're married and love each other.

The meeting went great and this year's Halloween should also be great.

Sally's glad, and so is Luna, who's glad to see her brothers together, all things considered.

Jacob, when their parents' backs are turned, mouths, "Bite me," while Daemon returns the sentiment, asking how her time with Sally was.

Luna holds up a basket of herbs and smiles that she and their mother will have enough herbs to last until spring.

Daemon is very glad to hear it, though Jacob spaces out again, thinking back to the word 'eventful' and his notes.

Speaking of which, Luna asks about the meeting, cause she loves seeing her brother be tormented.

Jacob, unfazed, says it actually went swimmingly, which must grind her gears.

Daemon stops them and suggests Luna get the herbs to the kitchen.

Jacob leaves and goes to his room the put the notepad on his desk. He goes back to his family, but we see what he wrote that got Jack uncomfortable:

Holiday Doors drawn in a circle, each of them with a question mark around them, save for Halloween, because he's already there.

Back with the family, they're eating some dinner, and Daemon's showing his crazy side by wanting to stab his meal to bits and pieces, but not doing it because his mother AND father are at the table.

Luna asks what ideas there are for this year's Halloween.

Jack explains some ideas regarding utilizing spiders and even using shadows a little more, but Jacob is zoning out.

Quick side note here, if we're going off the headcanon that Jack deals with depression or a form of it, then I'm adding that Jacob has some attention problems. He doesn't SEEK attention, he just struggles with staying focused after a while, he fidgets, he gets overwhelmed when his mind's getting off track and he's still trying to focus, he zones out, he fidgets, he gets TOO caught up in doing something after doing it for a while, and, if it's REALLY bad, he dissociates.

TL;DR: Jacob has something along the lines of ADHD and a little bit of Dissociation. Still happy, still healthy, just a little iffy on whether or not he wants the lights on or off upstairs, metaphorically speaking.

Back on track, Jack asks Jacob to explain his ideas, which gets him to pay attention and he obliges.

Turns out one of his ideas involves using the shade and finding a way to get all of the power turned off as to frighten the people even more.

It's an impressive idea, all the same Luna tells Jacob not to get too high on his horse, in case someone with problems gets hurt.

He nods and continues eating, saying he'll keep it in mind.

Sally asks if there was anything else that happened and Jacob denies it, saying Jack would probably remember it all better, anyway.

Luna and Daemon exchange a glance, not fully buying it.

Outside of a window, a centipede looking bug stares at the family before crawling away and transitioning us to the triplets' room, where Jacob is trying to even out his hair for the night before bed. Daemon is laying his pillows out so they form a coffin or a casket around him while Luna braids her hair so it doesn't get messy; have you ever tried brushing yarn out withoit ruining it?

Luna asks what ideas Jacob REALLY has, and Jacob feigns ignorance, that he doesn't really remember.

Daemon gives one of those 'not buying it' "mm-hm"s and Luna folds her arms, asking about the doors he keeps writing about.

Jacob turns to them, eyes asking how she knows about that.

Luna only states that he's just like Dad: the WORST at hiding things that he doesn't want people to see.

Jacob barks at her to drop it and goes to bed.

Luna does the same, muttering that when tbeir father found the doors, it didn't end well for him, so if he wants to be better, he'd better steer clear.

Jacob ignores her and we learn through some internal monologue that he doesn't want to just be better than Jack or his expectations, he wants to exceed him, the town, and everything else.

In their room, Sally spots Jack staring out a window and asks what he's thinking about.

Jack turns and asks if she had any visions on her walk with Luna.

She did, but she wants to know what's bothering Jack first.

Jacob drew the holiday doors while taking notes, and he needs to know that his son is not going to make the same mistake he did.

The two hug and Sally admits she did have a vision, but it just showed one of the doors, the stars exploding, and Jacob running into the woods while she heard nothing but laughter.

Jack holds her tighter and nonverbally promises himself and Sally that he will not let Jacob make the same mistakes as his father.

[dothwrites]

ayyy congrats on 500!! Prompt: witch/familiar au please?

@queenvee08, I live to serve this is definitely going to be a longer fic at some point in the future i hope you’re happy with yourself

—

“What do you think? Hellsbore or mandrake root?” 

Dean stops his perusal of the two herbs which, to be fair, look almost identical, to glance over at Cas. 

Cas, who is still sulking from this morning, when Dean accidentally kicked him off the bed, doesn’t answer. The only indication he gives that he’d heard Dean at all is the irritated flick of one ear in his direction. 

Asshole stays in cat form when he wants to give Dean the silent treatment. And sure, Dean can hold a sulk with the best of them, but it’s also disconcerting to be ignored by someone who’s intent on raising their hind leg and indulging in a thorough tongue bath. Especially when Dean knows that Cas only does that shit to get on his nerves. 

“Come on. Cas. Come on. Asked you a question. Come on buddy.” 

Dean can feel Cas’ low-grade frustration thrumming through their bond at the back of his mind. It’s like having an annoying song that you just can’t quite get out of your head, or a persistent itch that lingers, no matter how you contort your body to get at it. It’s annoying, but ultimately not damaging. Except Dean is done being ignored. He truly does want Cas’ opinion, seeing that he and Cas make a hell of a team (in the six months since he and Cas bonded, Dean’s understanding and abilities have only deepened, to the point that even Bobby says that with a little more practice, he’ll make a hell of a witch), but more importantly, he wants Cas’ company. 

When he’s not being a grouchy little bastard, Cas is great to have around. If he’s in cat form, he’ll laze on the counter, sunning himself and batting at the random bits of string that Dean dangles in front of him. After some trial and error and one memorable time when Dean yowled, Holy shit Cas your claws, as Cas failed to gain purchase and ended up dragging his claws down the back of Dean’s neck, he’s learned the trick of balancing on Dean’s shoulders as Dean fills orders and experiments to make different combinations of spells. Dean’s gotten used to Cas draping himself on the back of his neck, like a warm, furry weight (fucker is heavy). And then there are the times when Cas will just curl up next to him, or wrap himself around Dean’s ankles, butting his head against him. It’s worth it then, for the daily allergy potion that he drinks (a twist of fate that his familiar ended up being a cat, the one animal that Dean’s allergic to, but it’s worth it if it’s Cas). 

And if Cas is in human form, then that’s even better, because he’ll sit crosslegged on the counter and help Dean measure out ingredients for spells. He’ll read spells over Dean’s shoulder, suggesting improvements or modifications (Cas’ practical knowledge of witchcraft is formidable, his intellect staggering and sharp; every time he speaks, Dean’s reminded that he’s in the presence of a mind much quicker than his own). He’ll even, if the mood strikes him, deal with customers. Dean’s seen more than one granny come tottering in, looking for a joint relief aid, and come waltzing out, starry-eyed, from a conversation with Cas. 

Not that Dean blames them. Cas is gorgeous. 

He’s the kind of attractive that stops people in their tracks, the kind that makes people do an unironic double-take. When you add in that jawline, those shoulders, the long elegant fingers, thick runner’s thighs, and perpetually messy bedhead, and multiply it by his pack-a-day deep voice, and then throw in his intelligence–No wonder that people are falling over themselves. 

And that’s the problem. Because Dean is one of those people. 

It’s not forbidden persay, shacking up with your familiar, but it is the kind of weird that gets you talked about at parties. It’s taboo enough that only the fringe elements of the community will even entertain the notion, and then in whispers and titters. Kind of like having people figure out that you like weird kinky sex stuff. There’s no law against it, but they sure as hell look at you differently. 

Dean’s not sure if he’s ready for that. And he’s damn sure not going to make a move until he’s sure that Cas is interested. And as for that…Dean has no idea. They may share a bond, but the bond doesn’t stretch to their every thought, which means that they can hide things from each other. And Cas can be closed off when he wants to be, which makes him almost impossible to read. 

So Dean grits his teeth, keeps running his shop, and tries not to have a coronary every time he goes to sleep with Cas in his cat form at the foot of his bed and wakes up with Cas in human form snuggled up next to him (that probably means something, right? What? What does it mean?). 

And then there are the times that he tries not to scream, like right now, when he poses another question to Cas, and the irritated scrabbling at the back of his mind gets louder. Cas pins him with a long look before he deliberately flattens his ears to his skull. A second later, he lifts up his lips to reveal two delicately pointed canines and hisses softly.

“Jesus, it was a fucking accident,” Dean mutters, turning away from Cas. See if two can play that game. He’s interrupted from his brief pity party by the sudden absence of aggravation from Cas. Instead, it’s replaced by intent focus, that steel-trap mind narrowing its sight until it finds a single focal point. 

Forewarned, Dean is facing the door, magic already sparking at his fingertips, when it opens and Crowley comes through. 

Crowley, who’s been after him for months to join the coven he keeps under his thumb. Crowley, who trades and barters in souls instead of money. Crowley, whose eyes flash red as he neatly sidesteps the Devil’s Trap Dean keeps hidden underneath the rug. 

A low growl rumbles from Cas’ chest as he stalks over to Dean. It never ceases; Dean can feel it shaking through his body as Cas presses against his elbow. Their bond tightens and Dean feels the additional surge of magic, the familiar supporting his witch and boosting his powers. The magic surges through Dean, the purest drug he’ll ever need, and that, combined with the presence of Cas at his side, gives Dean enough fortitude to look at Crowley and snarl “Get the fuck out.” 

Crowley pretends to be hurt. “Such a cold welcome Squirrel. And after everything I’ve done for you.” 

Dean forces a brittle laugh. “You? You’ve never done shit for me, except try to get me in your pocket from Day 1. I told you then and I’m telling you now–I’m not for sale.” Next to him, Castiel hisses in punctuation, lips curling back to reveal his bared teeth. Without looking, Dean reaches down and settles his hand on top of Cas. He feels the fur standing on end, the tension running taut through every inch of Cas’ frame. 

Crowley flicks a dismissive eye towards Castiel. “Can it pussycat,” he sneers, before he turns back to Dean, ignoring how Castiel’s growl rises in pitch. His eyes glow red in warning. “Last chance Winchester. Take the deal before something goes wrong.” 

Dean doesn’t even need to consider. “How about you go to hell?” 

He senses Crowley moving before he does, but it’s Cas who acts. With an inhuman screech, he launches himself from the counter straight at Crowley, claws outstretched. 

A flick of Crowley’s fingers sends Cas flying across the room, his small body hitting the shelves. Cas’ high, anguished scream, somewhere in between a human and cat cry, strikes straight at Dean’s heart. 

Magic sparks at his fingertips and this time it’s his turn to flick his fingers. He’s never been adept at nonverbal magic, but it turns out that with rage clouding his vision, he’s amazing at it. It doesn’t feel like it takes any effort at all for him to hold Crowley stationary, hand outstretched. No matter how much Crowley struggles, he can’t break free. 

Dean chances a glance to the other side of the room. His chest clenches in worry when he catches sight of Cas’ human frame, sprawled unmoving on the floor, back to him. For Cas to lose control of his form–Dean turns back to Crowley. For the first time, the demon’s face shows fear. 

“You head back to that pit of brimstone you crawled out of,” Dean snarls. The urge to hurt, to rend rises in him, dark and ugly–But then he feels, muted but still blessedly present, the calm pulse of Castiel in the back of his mind. It soothes the violence in Dean, long enough for him to look at Crowley and enunciate every word, just so that there’s no misunderstanding. “If I ever see you in this shop again, I won’t hesitate to rip you right out of that meatsuit and shove you down so far into the pit that it’ll take decades for you to crawl back out.” 

He leaves Crowley pinned for a moment, just to make sure that the demon gets the message, before he relaxes his hand. Crowley’s feet don’t even touch the floor before he disappears. 

Dean rushes to Cas’ side, gently turning him over. A thin trickle of blood runs from Cas’ hairline to his temple. Dean’s blood boils, but before he can perform a summoning to yank Crowley’s ass back and take every bit of Cas’ suffering out of his hide, Cas’ eyes flutter open. 

Now, as always, Dean’s caught in their piercing gaze. His mouth goes dry and he becomes aware that he’s gently thumbing over the bolt of Cas’ jaw. He doesn’t stop. 

“Crowley gone?” Cas asks, voice thicker and rougher than usual, but his eyes are lucid. 

“Yeah. Asshole hightailed it out of here.” 

And before he can second-guess himself, give himself a list of reasons of why he shouldn’t, Dean leans down and kisses Cas. It’s firm, unyielding and unapologetic, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind what he means. 

Cas freezes, but only for a moment, and then he’s kissing back, hands reaching up to rest against Dean’s cheek. His fingers hook into the soft spot behind Dean’s ear, pulling him closer, and Dean goes willingly. 

“Finally,” Cas murmurs, once they part. 

“Finally?” Dean echoes, drunk on the memory of Cas’ stubble scraping against his chin, the bold sweep of Cas’ tongue against the seam of his lips. 

Cas gives him his best flat stare. “I was spooning you every morning for two straight weeks. What did you think I was trying to do?” 

Dean swallows, aware that he may not be as suave as he likes to pretend. “I thought you were cold?” he offers, when it becomes clear Cas is waiting for his answer. 

“You thought I…” Cas murmurs to himself, before he rolls his eyes. “What would you do without me?” he asks, rhetorically, before he’s pulling Dean’s face down to his once more. 

Don’t know, Dean thinks blissfully, as he proceeds to learn Cas and the variety of noises that Cas can be persuaded to make. 

Hopefully I’ll never find out. 

[popatochisssp]

Alright, this one definitely goes under a cut! XD

Horrorfell

Same rough concept as my take on Horrortale (if you’ve read FGTC, you know the gist, but I’ll sum up)-- human falls, does a Neutral run, leaves the Underground in disrepair, without solid leadership and no souls.

Slight divergence from that: Toriel wasn’t killed in this run...

...but a lot of other monsters were, so when she tried to take the throne, she was more or less booed offstage for wanting anything other than immediate, violent retribution against humanity for what they did.

Undnye is the candidate who takes over, grieving over the disappearance of Alphys and more than a little mad with rage at humanity.

Papyrus...disagrees with her politics. He was thinking ahead-- if one human child could so badly decimate their society, what could a grown one do? An army? No, they had to be smarter than that...

The disagreement...escalated.

Which brings us to...

Horrorfell Sans

He got caught up in the fight with Undyne, trying to help his brother out. He got a broken skull for his trouble, but he was a little sturdier than his non-’fell counterpart and took a few more hits, too: leaving his jaw set at a crooked angle and his cervical vertebrae badly cracked.

He's totally nonverbal. Speech physically hurts him now, so he stopped doing it. He could probably still rasp out a word or two, if you pressed him, but as soon as he hits the Surface, he's gonna start the slow (slow, Slow, SLOW) process of learning sign

It's slow because his memory retention is terrible and he pretty much just lives mostly in the moment, by context clues. He doesn't wanna embarrass himself or look stupid by asking what's going on (and in some cases, with the language barrier, he couldn't ask anyway...) so he just cold-reads what he can and tries to Act Natural

Aggression around or towards him can trigger feral states, in which he absolutely will snap and lunge if he feels threatened, or feels like a loved one is being threatened. While still Underground, he ended up wearing a chest-harness so his brother could grab him and hold him back from attacking if need be (yanking on his collar could've damaged his neck worse than it already was).

No harness on the Surface, but that also means that he doesn't........really leave the house, not un-escorted: his brother (and he himself) worry about him losing himself or just being unable to communicate while he's solo. Unfortunately, he's a social guy, so this makes him pretty lonely, and very frustrated feeling like he's trapped in the house and needs his brother to do things

Makes hand-knit blankets and sells them online for work, no face-to-face communication necessary and the repetitive skill is easy to get absorbed in and not screw up-- so long as he has a pattern to work off of

Horrorfell Papyrus

Lost his leg below the knee in That Fight with Undyne-- it wasn't initially a bad break, but then he walked on it, carrying an unconscious Sans, and used their limited healing supplies on his brother instead of himself, so... (It's fine though, in the end, he found out later he took her eyes in the same fight, so fair trade, right?)

Has a prosthetic leg his brother made for him, it looks nothing at all like the original leg, or even really a leg, but it's cool as hell and extremely functional, which are the only two things he cares about (He probably puts Cool™️ decals on it, post Surfacing, some awesome flames and such, you know)

Patrolled Snowdin for humans, siccing Sans on any they found and pulling him back before he mauled them too badly that their souls couldn't be used and then bringing the meat to the Capital for distribution. Getting everyone out was the priority, no grudges against Empress Undyne...except that Papyrus didn't trust her with the souls and kept them squirreled away Somewhere so she couldn't just absorb one and go to the Surface and make a huge political mess with the humans. He lies to Undyne and tells her Sans was just shattering the souls beyond retrieval-- she only half-believes him and sends a lot of spies to Snowdin on the regular, it's a Whole Thing

...Until he assassinates her and assumes the throne himself right before they have enough souls to Surface. Then, he’s the King who brought everybody to freedom, so it’s easier to convince monsters around to the whole Let’s Not Wage War on All of Humanity thing. His reign is short and he abdicates to Toriel as soon as things are more or less settled.

Has a very abrasive personality, incredibly prickly and intentionally mean (because he's terrified of forming personal connections: he almost called Undyne a friend and look what she did to him, to Sans, he has so much guilt over that and feels like he should probably never let anyone in ever again)

Very gentle and patient with his brother, all things considered-- not an insult or a cuff upside the head to be found, just casual support and acceptance. He learns sign in the first few months Aboveground so he'd be ready whenever Sans was.

A battle-weary soldier to the core, glad to be Done...but he also won't hesitate to use (non-lethal) force in any situation if he deems it necessary

Becomes a physical therapist on the Surface, he knows the pain and struggle of a mobility-impacting injury and wants to help others conquer it like he did...though he's not wholly bluffing for his ego when he says he sadistically enjoys putting people through their paces and making them cry. It's for a good cause, in the end!!!

Fun Facts Because They’re Important To Me

Sans doesn’t know a whole lot of sign yet, but he knows all the swears, all of them, it was very important to him

Sometimes when going up stairs, he will take them on all fours. He will also go on all fours if he’s running, but he almost never runs because he’s very lazy

Intense fear and anger can trigger his feral states, but so can extreme happiness-- so if he’s cuddling with a s/o, it is not out of the question that he might start purring or knead the blankets around them up into a cozy little nest

-

Papyrus needs glasses for reading, but doesn’t wear them out, he thinks they make him look too approachable. (He’s right, because they’re the half-moon kind that look like they belong on an old lady librarian--they even have the little chain attached so he doesn’t lose them around the house.)

Even more tsundere than tsundere, somehow-- it shouldn’t be possible, but he’s managed it. Anyone trying to get close to him, emotionally, had better have a thick skin for those first couple of months of ‘I’m A Jerk, You Don’t Want To Like Me!‘

Is seeing a therapist for Everything That Happened. He doesn’t regret most of it, but Undyne was... hard... and he figures he needs some kind of counseling for that. Unfortunately, he makes his therapist want to bang their head against a wall because he is so stony and slow to open up. He still goes, though, so that counts for something, right???

And to differentiate from other multiverse skeles, their nicknames shall be Brick (Horrorfell Sans) and King (Horrorfell Papyrus), and that’s aLL I GOT THANK YOU FOR LISTENING

[fatphobiabusters]

I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but could you publish this anonymously, if possible? I really appreciate everything that you do and don’t mean to cause extra work - I j4I am surrounded by fat friends. Our fatness (and chronic illnesses, for a few of them) was something we bonded over, because we shared a lot of the same fat-phobic experiences. Since my health has improved (again, I fully believe that the weight loss was just a side-effect, and not a negative or positive thing, only a positive indicator), my friends have pretty much kicked me out of their lives. I never talked about my weight loss, never made it seem like it was something they should try, and I never bragged about all of the things I could now do. I did tell them about my progress - finally getting a diagnosis after a lifetime of difficulties and hospital stays, about starting a new medication and new treatment plan, about feeling better. I tried so hard to be conscious and aware of my language - verbal and nonverbal - so as not to revert to fat-phobic or ableist dialogue and behaviour, but they have apparently decided that the very fact that I lost fat has made me a bad person. I am still struggling with my health to a certain degree, and although I have some thin privilege now, I also still experience some fat-phobia (I see privilege as a spectrum - I’m not quite sure where mods stand on that).

I’m 18, a freshman in university, and feeling really really isolated and alone. I essentially just lost my support system and the only truly accepting and positive space I can find at school. I understand where they are coming from to a certain degree, because i know what it’s like to feel like the ‘elephant in the room’, but I also miss them. Do you think I am being disrespectful or fat-phobic for wanting to talk to them about this? For bringing this up? If not, do you have any advice for the best way to approach this? I am fairly new to really being educated on the topic, and I don’t want to hurt anyone, or encroach on their safe space. I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I permanently lose the only friends I had here.

Again, I really do appreciate everything you all do, even if you can’t respond to this. You are one of the many blogs that have helped me be more accepting of myself, and more loving and accepting of those around me. I am so grateful for that. Thank you.

So, just to start off, it really sucks when people who were your friends no longer want to be friends. It’s happened a lot in my life, and I don’t usually know why. Most people won’t explain, and just expect you to know what you did wrong. While they certainly don’t owe us explanations, it hurts when they won’t tell you, and makes it really hard to learn from the experience.

It’s possible that you accidentally said or did something hurtful, and they didn’t want to or didn’t feel able to explain. It’s possible that they just don’t feel comfortable hanging out with someone with privilege on an axis that they don’t have and they like to talk about a lot. It might just be that you’re doing all this new stuff they can’t do and it reminds them of their limitations and makes them feel bad. Maybe they’re just all super busy with classes and don’t hang out as much at all anymore. Maybe they think you don’t want to hang out with them anymore because you’ve got this new activity in your life.

I think it’s ok to ask them what they are thinking, but you have to respect them if they don’t want to answer or just dodge the question. Personally, I’d just say something along the lines of “I noticed we weren’t hanging out as much, and I really miss you guys. Would it be ok if we did [activity we used to do]?” and kind of feel it out from there. I wouldn’t jump in with the assumption that they think you’re a bad person, because there’s all kinds of other possible reasons you’re not hanging out as much as you were.

But it’s important to keep in mind that friends come and go throughout life. You can also try to make new friends.  I don’t know what size the university is or the town/city it’s in, but I’m sure there are other fat people with chronic illnesses around.  People grow apart, and it’s not always someone’s fault.

-Mod Siarl

[drummergirl231-2]

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day 2020!

To me, true awareness and acceptance go hand-in-hand. I still don’t mind the word “awareness,” since most people, even people who think they’re spreading Autism awareness, aren’t totally aware of what it is or what it’s like. But I also love calling it Autism Acceptance Day, because that’s what we need more than anything. 

To spread some awareness, I’d like to address some misconceptions about Autism and share some other thoughts I wish people knew/understood.

1. Autists/Aspies do not lack empathy. 

I found this thing and it explains it super well so I’ll just leave it here:

Imagine a scenario where you say something totally innocent and it triggers the person you’re talking to. They start flying off the handle at you and you don’t know why. But because they’re angry, you are, too. But since you don’t know why they’re angry, you don’t know why you’re angry, either. It’s crazy overwhelming and confusing. And you want to fix whatever you did because you don’t want this other person to be angry or hurt, but you don’t know how, because their all-consuming rage makes it really hard to think and try to put yourself in their shoes. Also, you’re scared on top of it all.

That’s what having high affective and compassionate empathy and low cognitive empathy is like. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we care too much, and all the super specific nuances of socializing are things we have to learn one at a time, through either our mistakes or others’ mistakes. These things don’t come naturally to us, but it’s not like we can’t learn. If I were to compare math to socializing, it’s like you all have calculators or other doohickeys to do all the math for you and we just have paper and a pencil... and no eraser. 

2. Autism is not a mental illness to be “cured.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I am ALL FOR people finding ways to help us be able to deal with the world better, whether that’s a better diet, items to block out sensory stimuli or items that stimulate, or counselling that can help us navigate social situations and talk through anxiety and/or depression. But those things don’t “cure,” us because Autism isn’t a disease or something wrong with us. Autism gives us different challenges, sure, but neutotypicals have their own challenges. 

The symptoms typically associated with “low-functioning,” Autism don’t necessarily have to be a part of Autism. Many non-verbal kids grow up to be verbal. That doesn’t mean they stopped being autistic. There was a celebrity mom years ago who claimed to “cure” her son’s Autism with a gluten-free dairy-free diet. He’d been so trapped in his head, he couldn’t engage with the world around him. She altered his diet and one day he laughed at Spongebob, and that was a turning point. He became able to interact with people and react to things on TV. It was a huge breakthrough. But he was still autistic. If you were to have plopped me down on a rug as a toddler next to a toddler like this celebrity’s son before his altered diet, you wouldn’t think I was autistic at all by comparison. But I was, and I am.

Autism is a different neurological blueprint, and yes, brain-healthy diets and detoxes can do wonders for us because it seems like our brain type does make us more susceptible to negative effects from neurotoxins. But if you think someone has lost their Autism just because “the bad parts,” went away... no. That’s not how it works.

3. Not everyone is “a little autistic.” 

When I was newly diagnosed and trying to process it, someone told me something along the lines of, there there, we’re all a little autistic. But that’s not true. There are a lot of traits associated with this brain type, and yes, a neurotypical person can have a few of them. That doesn’t make them a little autistic. To be considered autistic at all, you’d have to have a large number of quirks plus social delays (not associated with excessive technology use), odd or repetitive behaviors, unusual and intense interests, communication struggles, and unusual sensory processing. Suppose you’re white. If you are white, this should be easy to imagine. Say an African American just told you about some of the challenges they’ve faced, whether it’s race-based bullying in school or racial profiling later on. Would it be appropriate to say, “There there, we’re all a little black?” NO. One, it’s false. Two, while all people struggle with stuff because to be human is to struggle sometimes, the struggles of different groups of people are totally different, and you can’t say you know exactly what it’s like or pretend everyone’s the same. We all have equal dignity and worth, but beyond that, everyone’s different. Don’t pretend differences don’t exist. Just value them.

4. Autism doesn’t have a “look.”

When I tell people I’m autistic, this is usually what I hear: “Wow! I wouldn’t have guessed! You don’t look autistic.”  ...What does that even mean??? Is it supposed to be a compliment? Because if it’s a compliment I “don’t look autistic,” then that’s kind of an insult to other autistic people. Or do they mean it like, “I don’t believe you’re really autistic because I have a preconceived idea of what an autistic person looks like and you don’t fit the bill so I’m not going to give you grace if you act weird?” I don’t know. Y’all say weird things too, sometimes, ya know? But Autism doesn’t have a look. There is a sort of distant intensity in our gaze sometimes... and I can legit see it when Jim Parsons plays Sheldon Cooper, but when I see an interview with him as himself, it’s gone. It’s not a fixed feature of our faces, and a talented NT could totally put it on.

5. Autism presents itself differently in boys and girls.

You know how not a lot of people know the symptoms of heart attacks in women because mainly people only talk about what a heart attack is like for men? It’s kinda like that with Autism, too. Typically when you hear about Autism, you’re hearing about the signs and symptoms in boys. Even most pediatricians only know to look for the way it presents in boys, which is how so many girls don’t get a diagnosis until later in life, if ever.  One difference is that, for whatever reason, girls tend to be better at nonverbal communication and taking hints. We’re mimics. Chameleons. We take on the mannerisms of those around us and who we see on TV as we force ourselves to adapt. Verbal boys might speak at unusual volumes or with an unusual voice, rhythm, or cadence, but verbal girls learn to mimic the speech patterns of others. Our special interests/obsessions aren’t typically seen as strange given our age and sex. For example, a six-year-old autistic boy might be fascinated by WWII. I was interested in fetal development. People thought, “What’s so weird about that? She’s a little girl who loves babies.” We often play with Barbies or other dolls long after our peers have stopped. It helps autistic girls process social situations. When I was shamed out of liking Barbies, I started writing stories in notebooks or in my head. Autistic boys usually struggle with social communication from an early age, but autistic girls usually don’t have any major communication struggles until adolescence, when relationships, platonic or romantic, get way more complicated.  Since little autistic girls can mimic their neurotypical peers, and since some doctors only know how to look for Autism in boys, we tend to fly under the radar, causing that huge gender gap in diagnoses.

6. Mental illness is common with Autism, but NOT part of it.

I read an article by an autist in the UK who struggles to get help for his anxiety or depression because therapists have brushed him off, saying “Well, that’s just part of being Autistic, so it can’t be helped.” NO! Just like neurotypicals can be mentally healthy or unhealthy, Autistic people can be mentally healthy or unhealthy. Just because something is common for us doesn’t mean it’s how it’s supposed to be, or that it’ll always be that way, or that it’s part of who we are and we need to embrace it. People with mental illnesses should be embraced (literally or figuratively, depending on what they’re comfortable with). Mental illnesses should not be embraced. Ever. Because autistic kids and adults often face abuse, bullying, discrimination, and are ostracized, anxiety (especially social anxiety) and depression are common for us. In more serious cases, especially in autistic teens and young adults, dissociative disorders can develop. What’s worse, it doesn’t take much looking to find the dark corners of the internet where people, autistic or not, are encouraged to embrace their developing dissociative thoughts and feelings. I once saw an interview with someone who found healing from a dissociative disorder, and she gets emails every day from others with the same disorder she had who regret some of the things they were talked into doing while living with the condition and  who want to find the healing she did. She said many of them are autistic and under the age of twenty-five. Autistic people with mental illnesses shouldn’t be talked into believing their mental illnesses are a part of them, or not mental illnesses at all, or something to celebrate and cling to. I reject the notion we should have to settle for being ill in any way. We deserve to be as healthy and whole as anyone else, and it makes me sick there are so many internet predators preying on us in this way, and that there are therapists who think Autism and mental illness has to be a packaged deal.

7. If LGBT people were treated the way autistic people are by the media, it’d lead to outrage. But it seems like no one is outraged on our behalf.

We’ve seen the news stories, haven’t we? A couple invites the news over to their house, upsetting their autistic child who then has a meltdown, the meltdown is filmed and aired, and the parents are just like, “This is what our life is like because of Autism. And it sucks. Pity us.”

There was one video I saw... I’m just so enraged by it, even after two years. A mother was praised for her open honesty as she vilified her autistic son and complained about how he ruined her life and how hard it is to go out and have people stare. I’m sorry, hard for WHO??? I don’t even want to go into the details. I know only sharing this much doesn’t make it sound like that bad of a video, it’s just... ugh. Guys. It’d be a whole separate post. I can’t deal with it right now. 

If parents went on the news after their kid came out to them as gay, and wept and begged for pity and said some of the things this woman said of her autistic son (wondering what she did wrong that made her deserve this or that led to this or saying she doesn’t believe in God but finds herself praying anyway that God’ll “fix him”), America would call them the worst parents ever. But parents of autistic kids who do this are praised for their openness and vulnerability as they publicly shame their child.

Another time, after a mass shooting carried out by a teenage boy, the news reported that he was autistic and that might have contributed to the attack (there they go, combining mental illness with Autism as one and the same again).

If a pedophile were arrested, and they said on the news, “And we just got word that he’s gay, so that may be why,” there’d be a riot. But the news can pin autists as mass murderers and no one bats an eye!

All of May last year working at a clothing store, I watched as various departments filled up with pride t-shirts to get ready for June, and I couldn’t help but think,

Where were the Autism acceptance t-shirts in March to get ready for April?

I probably shouldn’t be so surprised with the media painting us as life-ruiners and life-enders. 

I know it’s a vile and disgusting thing for me to be jealous of LGBT people in this way, especially since they have their own struggles, too. I just wish society had our backs and celebrated us instead of wanting us “fixed,” for their own convenience, ya know?

8. Almost all of us hate Autism Speaks, and those who don’t are probably just new. XD

I used to be all “Light it up blue!” as well (even though that seemed weird to me, given blue lights might be overwhelming to some people on the spectrum). But then I read something on their site that made me feel really betrayed, and down the line, I learned most autistic people hate them... some because they saw them say the opposite of what I saw they said. Basically we all have different opinions but Autism Speaks spouts whatever information their donors want them to (sellouts), and that donated money doesn’t go towards helping us, but toward more fundraising or research on how to prevent people with our brain type. I guess they’re not fond of the artistic and scientific advancements we bring to the table. They should change those puzzle pieces from blue or multi-colored to white with black specks because they want a world that’s vanilla. 

9. Some of us still like the puzzle pieces, even if we hate Autism Speaks.

I’ve talked about this in a fanfic, but I’d love it if we could redeem the puzzle pieces, because they’re still a good analogy if you assign a different meaning. Autists and NTs are puzzling to each other, no sense denying that, but the more time we spend together, the more we start to understand each other. Also, Autism does have a lot of pieces, and figuring out I was autistic was like solving the puzzle of my life. The missing pieces came together and things became clearer and made more sense. Also also, some autistic people are really good at puzzles. And then there are autists like me who aren’t necessarily good at puzzles, but get totally absorbed in working on them anyway (my parents have been doing some puzzles during the quarantine lol they’re traps! TRAPS I SAY!!!).

Nevertheless, I understand why other autistis don’t like the puzzle pieces and prefer the rainbow infinity symbol, and I quite like it, too. It’s very pretty, and the way the colors fade together is a nice symbol of how it’s a spectrum.

It’s a sign of the infinite possibilities in our lives when we’re empowered, because we can do and have done good and great things in the world.

[deadmomjokes]

Hey, I was wondering if you'd be willing to share how you came to the decision to have a kid? I'm struggling with it a lot since having kids has been expected of me my whole life and now that I'm married it feels even more like an expectation than a choice of my own to make with my spouse. I guess I'm trying to understand others' reasons for their decision to help me come up with one for myself. Sorry if this is a bother!

Not a bother at all!

For me, it was kind of a slow process. As a kid, it was assumed folks just grew up and would have kids, and at first I just went along with it. Then when I got old enough to realize the amount of responsibility involved, and that it involved *gasp* kissing boys, I was all kinds of NOPE. But I didn’t tell anyone that. I just inwardly figured I’d be the Fun Aunt who never got married, never had kids, and lived with a bunch of dogs and maybe a horse.

Then, after my mom died (I was about 17), something weird happened. Idk if you’re the kind of person who believes in spirits, the afterlife, the before-life, souls, etc, but I started feeling two things very strongly: 1, I somehow felt/knew my mom was looking after my kids until they could come to earth, and 2, I felt a very specific presence that I realized was my first daughter, whom I now have the pleasure of having irl.

Obviously, not everyone is going to have that kind of experience, but for me, it was a big “OH” moment, and I realized that what I didn’t like was the expectation of it all, and also, what teenager/kid is really ready for or ready to accept the responsibilities and realities of having kids? Of course I didn’t want kids, I was too young, and that’s how it should have been!

When I ended up meeting and marrying my now husband, we talked about kids, and we both knew we were waiting on at least our first daughter (fun story: we both independently “realized” her name way before we were ever married. her name is Ivy Marie, and it kind of just came really strongly to both of us. this girl, I tell ya, she’s had some serious Opinions even before she was born, and she wanted to make dang sure we knew what her name was going to be.). But we figured we’d start having kids years down the line, after enjoying just being us.

Then, randomly and totally by chance, I ended up doing my academic internship in Early Childhood Development and Parental Education, and about that same time I started feeling like “maybe I should have a baby?”. It was super weird. I can’t really describe how I knew, except as a “should do” that came from beyond and yet inside me. But it wasn’t one of those, “Oh, everyone says I should have kids or should start having them now” kind of things, it was this really unshakeable feeling that I missed my children. Like I knew them already, and was waiting for them. And that now (then) was the time to go ahead and see what I could do about meeting them, whether that was having a baby naturally, adopting, fostering, etc.

It’s all really nebulous to describe, but for me, it was a real, almost tangible thing. I knew, just like knowing you’re hungry or thirsty or sleepy, that I wanted kids, MY kids, and that I wanted to find a way to get them into my family.

Not everyone feels that way. For some folks, it’s more like a weighing of pros and cons. Or it’s like flipping a coin and suddenly realizing in the air which side you hope it lands on, and there’s your answer. For others, it’s something you pray about (I also did that), something you study (lots of cool parenting classes out there!), something you even practice at (babysitting! so helpful, but also not at all representative, for good or ill).

And the best part is, it’s not a once-and-for-all decision! You can think on it now and decide with your spouse that it’s not something you want right now, and then in a few years you think on it again and realize “oh hey, now we want kids!”

But ultimately, there are some questions that must be asked and answered re:having babies/kids.

Why do I want to have a child/children? This seems obvious, and like the whole question you asked me, but it’s a bit more specific and more complicated than that. This is about the “selfish” reasons, the reasons that tie back to your desires for yourself. In my case, I answer this with “I feel like I’m incomplete/missing family without my child/children” among a few others (but that’s the big one). If your answer to this question involves other people-- because my parents want grandkids, because I should, because my spouse does-- then you need to do some more soul searching.

Why do I want to be a parent? This is about what you want to give to your child/children. This is the “unselfish” version of the previous question. What do you hope your children get from you, and not in a physical sense. My answer to this one is “I want to help my child/children be part of the good in the world, break generational/societal hurts and problems, and give them both the good things I got and the things I never did.”

Are you prepared for a child? I’m not trying to say that you have to be a parenting expert making 6 figures a year with your own home and two cars to have kids. I’m saying there are times and places and situations that would be very detrimental to you and/or your child. You should also have some grasp of the permanence of parenthood, and what it takes to have and raise a baby/child. Practice budgeting, look into how schools work, watch some birthing videos, look up parenting resources. Basically, just learn a bit before you decide, but also, IMPORTANT NOTE don’t let all the info you find scare you off completely. 18+ years always seems insurmountable and impossible when you try to cram it all into a 2am google search. I’m just suggesting you have some idea of the nitty-gritty before you get handed a tiny person and get told to keep it alive forever.

Are you healthy enough to have kids? Not to say that disabled or chronically ill folks can’t/shouldn’t have kids, but that some people might be at serious risk of death or other irreparable harm by having kids (usually talking about birthing them). This includes mental illness. Do not try adding a child to your family-- one of the hugest life changes you’ll ever make-- while you’re in an uncontrolled spiral or dealing with unmanaged mental or physical illness.

Are you prepared to love your child no matter what? It’s easy to say that about a cute little squishy potato child who only wants to be held all day, but I’m talking about the whole child. The baby up through the adult. Are you prepared to love as a conscious choice even when your child is making bad decisions or ‘disappointing’ you? Are you prepared to love your child through toddler tantrums that never end? Are you prepared to love your gay child, your disabled child, your nonverbal child, your catatonic child? Are you prepared to give the same love to your transgender child as to your cisgender one? Are you prepared to love your Down Syndrome child as an adult, or your autistic child as a hormonal teenager who is struggling? Are you prepared to love the child who struggles in school, or who doesn’t care at all just as much as your straight-A’s bookworm who never gets in trouble? The delinquent, not just the angel? The aspiring screamo even when you’re a church-choir mouse? You should never bank on “well my child will never....” It’s not fair to your child. And ultimately, it’s not about you. Yes, parenthood should be fulfilling for you, but it’s really about loving another person so much that you’re willing to dedicate your life to theirs.

I realize this is way long, but I have a ton of feelings about kids and parenthood/parenting. So I apologize for the rant, and hope that something in here has been helpful or has come close to your original question.

Ultimately, this is a choice only you and your spouse can make, and screw societal/family/religious expectations. This is about you and your family, the one you choose to make. You get that choice, and if you choose not to have kids (or not have them right now), you may get flak for it, but just like nobody can tell you what to do with your limbs, nobody can tell you what to do with your life, and the lives you choose to make or influence.

And a tl;dr version, I chose to have kids because I felt like they were a part of me waiting to be “let in,” if that makes sense. It was something my spouse and I both talked about, then thought about individually for a long time, then came together and discussed for a long time. We wanted parenthood, and we wanted to raise children to be part of the good in the world, and we want to be that good for even a few little people. (And also, our daughter was like “BRUH, I’m waiting for you guys to get a move on, I’m gonna be the best thing in your lives. Also here’s my name don’t wear it out.” She was never, nor is she now, subtle.)

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[spkmth]

SOME BANAL KBNZ HEADCANONS.

HOW THEY MET, BECAME FRIENDS, AND FELL IN LOVE.

•   they met as children,  during a battle in the wild area ;   piers saved raihan from some camp interlopers one evening,  and raihan’s enthusiastic gratitude,  while grating,  meant that he immediately endeared himself to piers.     they never had the chance to become rivals,  as piers’ journey got cut short when he had to become marnie’s full-time caregiver ;   but he never fell out of touch with raihan,  and they texted one another at least once a week.     when raihan left for the isle of armor,  and then for university in kalos right after,  their messages passed less and less frequently ... and when raihan returned nearly a year later,  a fully-fledged dynamax master and certified dragonkeeper,  piers could scarcely recognize him.

•   the attraction was immediate,  but it took a long while for love to grow.     as a man both in the closet and in the spotlight,  raihan couldn’t deny his physical and mental attraction to piers,  but had to stuff his feelings to save face in front of his family and his adoring fans  ( and initially out of fear that piers wouldn’t feel the same ).     for his part,  piers made his intent apparent,  but not too apparent to jeopardize their long-time friendship ;   he’d had hundreds of one-night stands,  infamously never going back for encores,  but by the time he’d cajoled raihan into bed with him,  he realized that he was going to have to break his one-and-done rule.     they hooked up pretty regularly after that,  always in secret,  always in spikemuth for raihan’s peace of mind.

•   raihan admitted to having feelings first.     piers initially thought it was a joke or a slip of the tongue ;   he’d seen the way raihan looked at leon  ( spoiler: it was the same way he looked at raihan )  and figured that their hook-ups were just for fun.     but leon is untouchable,  and piers is warm and comforting and sweet beneath the tight leather and spikes and neon colors  ——  raihan reassures him that he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,  not for all the pokégram clout in the world,  and that’s when piers realizes that  holy shit this is real.

•   yes,  they are in love.     no,  it isn’t a ruse,  a front,  or some scheme to make leon jealous.     no,  they aren’t just fucking because they’re two hot guys and people on the internet like that.

RELATIONSHIP QUIRKS.

•   yes,  raihan gets on piers’ nerves sometimes,  with his constant selfies and his exuberant,  loud personality.     piers gets on raihan’s,  too ;   his non-stop partying and continuous self-deprecation get under raihan’s skin.     but they love each other anyway  ——  no love is perfect,  and they acknowledge that they aren’t perfect people,  and they don’t expect to break the mold in this regard.

•   yes,  raihan is attracted to leon.     piers is attracted to leon too.     they have a standing agreement that if it ever came up,  leon is the only person they are allowed to have a threesome with,  or sleep with one-on-one.     but raihan likes leon on a personal level,  too,  whereas piers only sees him as  happy-go-lucky champion time guy.     indeed,  piers resents leon to some degree,  due to raihan’s fixation on him ;   its fine if raihan wants his body,  but only piers gets raihan’s heart.     piers is also genuinely suspicious of leon :   the guy’s too happy ... what has rose done to him? ( i hate when people make them a happy ot3 when piers has never been in the same room as the guy. do i think they have potential? of course. the internet exists solely for things like that. but GIVE ME CONFLICT DAMN IT. )

•   they never lie to one another.     the foundation of their relationship is  honesty.     raihan is expected to hold himself to a certain set of standards in his city and around his family,  and even on his pokégram ;   the only time he can let loose and be wild is on the pitch ... and with piers.     and of course,  for piers,  punk is about shunning social norms and truly being oneself,  and piers is the dictionary definition of a punk.     he’s genuinely never lied to raihan,  not as a child and not as a grown ass man ;   in fact,  sometimes his bluntness gets him into more trouble than a lie would.     but as a couple,  their honesty has always saved them and kept them together.

•   raihan has yet to introduce piers to his parents,  even as a friend.     they’ve seen piers on tv and have made it clear that they dislike his lifestyle.     it’s a good thing they don’t use pokégram,  or else they’d see piers’ face plastered all over raihan’s feed.     none of this bothers piers :   he won’t be introducing raihan to his parents anytime soon,  either,  because wyndon prison has strict visitation rules and piers couldn’t care less.     in fact,  the only familial validation he needs is marnie’s,  and she’s given it in spades.     marnie adores raihan,  and couldn’t imagine a better partner for her dumpster fire of a brother.

•   piers loathes the idea of marriage.     its a societal construct used to declare that a relationship is Supreme and those people are off the table,  when basic human dignity and respect should be enough for that.     unfortunately for him,  raihan is a sucker for marriage,  and has his mind set on it.     someday,  raihan.

•   raihan doesn’t like piers’ drug use,  and does his best to curb it,  but won’t ask him to stop altogether.     piers is happy living a short and explosive life,  and raihan wouldn’t change that ;   he simply keeps an eye out for him and is constantly brushing up on his cpr skills,  just in case.

•   raihan is incredibly educated,  and some would argue that he is far smarter than piers ;   as a man with full tertiary education,  as well as a certification in the most dangerous pokémon type and mastery of the dynamax phenomenon,  he could talk circles around piers if he wanted to.     but raihan knows that having an education doesn’t make one  smart ;   piers is street savvy,  much more so than raihan could hope to be,  and he knows his way around a dollar better than any professor raihan ever learned from.     and marnie is a perfectly well-educated and wonderfully socialized young lady,  mostly due to her brother’s efforts ... so anyone who makes insinuations about piers’ intelligence around raihan will always end up with a fist in their face.     for his part,  though,  piers enjoys listening to raihan prattle on about the function of a dragon’s scales,  or something else he learned in school ;   its something he’d wished he’d been able to do,  something that he hopes he gets a shot at in his next life.

•   despite being a bleeding heart who loves to spout shakespeare,  raihan struggles with physical intimacy,  sexually or otherwise.     piers is a surprisingly discerning and compassionate lover,  able to tell what his partner wants at a glance,  and completely capable of fulfilling those needs without having to be asked ;   its something that raihan envies.     he’s great at displays of affection,  and boy howdy can he explain it with words,  but he doubts he’ll ever be as intuitively gifted as piers.

•   piers has never written a song about raihan.     when asked why,  he’ll say that he simply can’t put the depth and scope of his feelings into words.     he wants to,  but every time he puts the pen to paper,  it tries to spit everything out at once,  leaving incomprehensible scribbles behind.     he doesn’t have words for the ache in his chest,  the shaking of his fingers,  the simultaneous thrill and fear of being vulnerable with someone who truly cares about him ... so he writes songs about fucking the system instead.

WHO IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER AT...

•   CARING FOR THE OTHER.     they spend equal amounts of time caring for one another ;   they’re both natural caregivers who love tending to others.     raihan is much more ready to admit when he needs to be taken care of than piers is,  as piers is used to doing everything on his own and struggles to ask for help ;   but raihan is tuned into piers’ nonverbal cues well enough that he silently steps up right when piers silently gives in.     piers,  for his part,  is happy to surrender to raihan as well ;   raihan has proven time and time again that he would never intentionally hurt him ... at least,  not without a safe word. ( the concept that piers is a uwu uke who needs to be taken care of bothers me because of his apparent willingness to relinquish control, something that canon piers has some pretty clear issues with doing. he strikes me as a man who needs to be needed,  and who enjoys being a caretaker even if he’ll never admit it. the vulnerability of letting raihan take care of him, when piers has cared for others his whole life, is what attracts me to this pairing, not a hot goth boy getting railed in the ass. it isn’t that he NEEDS to be taken care of; its that he WANTS to be taken care of, by raihan. that’s good shit. and also piers isn’t a goth. )

•   COOKING.     raihan is the better cook,  but piers makes a better cup of tea.     raihan is the whip-shit at making curry ;   its probably the one thing he’s beaten leon at.     for his part,  piers’ cups of tea are as legendary as his singing,  and he has his friends’ and family’s preferences memorized.

•   SINGING / MUSIC.     piers,  purely for his understanding of musical constructs and ability to read music.   raihan can’t read music to save his soul,  but he is great at learning by ear,  and has a wonderful grasp of pitch and tone.     piers has a wider range,  but raihan has a purer voice ;   years of chainsmoking has added a distinctive rasp to piers’ voice,  but that’s one of the things that makes him famous.     the first time the public got any inkling of their closeness was a spontaneous duet at a karaoke bar  ( and surprisingly,  they were sober ).

•   FUCKING.     piers,  no contest.     he’s talented and infamous for his exploits,  and if he hasn’t tried it,  he wants to.     raihan certainly isn’t wet behind the ears,  but sex isn’t his priority ;   he likes connecting with people on an individual level,  and then a physical level if they’re compatible.     piers has the higher libido of the two,  and this sometimes bothers raihan,  partly because he wishes he had a greater sex drive and partly because he wishes piers would stop and smell the roselia with him instead of constantly trying to get him out of his clothes.

WHO DOES WHAT MORE?

•   SMOKING / DRINKING.     piers smokes way more than raihan,  and raihan prefers hookah to cigarettes.     they’re both drinkers,  but skinny little piers can drink the dragon under the table.     however,  raihan is aces at concealing his level of drunkenness until he’s beyond the point of no return ;   piers is shit at hiding it.     drunk piers is baseline horny,  sometimes happy,  sometimes angry ;   raihan is the happy / sleepy kind of drunk.     raihan is picky and prefers mixed drinks,  and piers will drink anything that isn’t cheap beer.     raihan greatly prefers drinking at home,  as he’d seen piers get roofied at a pub once and it traumatized him.

•   STAYING UP LATE.     piers is the king of the night-noctowls.     raihan is lucky to make it to midnight.

•   CHECKING THEIR PHONE.     raihan.     always raihan.     piers’ poor rotom-phone has abandonment issues from how little it’s used.

•   TOPPING / BOTTOMING.     piers is 90% power bottom and 10% service top.     he loves getting fucked and telling his lover how he wants it,  but he’s also great at pleasing his partner no matter what they want from him,  and loves taking care of his partner and making them scream.     raihan is 70% service top, 15% power top,  and 15% genuine sub.     as nice as it is to flex his muscles and use his ungodly height to his advantage,  sometimes its nice to just be taken care of.     fortunately for raihan,  piers is great at understanding nonverbal cues,  and can easily tell what mindset raihan is in without having to ask.

[loosenedidylls]

Blessings, Curses, Autism

My earliest memories are of waiting rooms with musty carpets and buckets of donated, broken toys. I guess it was worse for my parents, who had nothing to stare at but walls and trashy lifestyle magazines. Eventually, the professionals decided I had a condition called Asperger’s Syndrome, and there was one thing they wanted me to understand:

“It’s a blessing, not a curse.”

If someone asked me to list blessings off the top of my head, I’d mention 20/20 vision, pitch-perfect hearing, or George Foreman’s chin — not a neurological disorder that transforms the most natural stages of personal development into a confusing struggle. In hindsight, I would have preferred more concrete advice than ‘it’s a blessing, not a curse.’ Something like:

“Watch out for the train!”

…But the quippy slogan is what stuck. My parents dispensed it like a cheap plaster, and I still don’t know whose benefit it was for — mine, or theirs. What I do know, is that I never once believed them: I felt I was being brushed aside, or told to accept something blatantly untrue. Besides, children don’t care to question whether they’re blessed or cursed, so it was an answer to a question that hadn’t been asked. Existentialism is for adults trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Being an Autistic Child.

Autism is not a superpower. Thanks to certain pieces of popular media, you might think of autistic people as quirky-yet-brilliant detectives, awkward-yet-sexy hackers (always female), or nonverbal children with a deep, instinctive connection to whatever animal or alien the protagonists are trying to communicate with. Often, people with severe autism are plot devices in the same vein as a forbidden orb or set of nuclear launch codes. Instead of damsels waiting for Bruce Willis to save them, they’re objects waiting for Bruce Willis to understand them.

A lot of autistic people are brilliant academically, though not for the reasons you might think. A common feature of autism is hyper-fixating on ‘special interests’, obsessing over a subject until one has learned everything about it, before moving on to the next. Very few people become maths geniuses this way; more often they become diehard Sonic fans or start giving lots of money to Games Workshop. Here are a few of the phases I went through:

-          Thomas the Tank Engine.

-          Pokémon.

-          Old English monster myths.

-          Naruto.

-          Peter Jackson’s King Kong (both the movie and the video game).

-          Bleach (the anime, thankfully, not the cleaning product).

Fairly normal interests for a young person, right? Now remember the hyper-fixation part. People with Asperger’s tend to focus on certain interests at the expense of others, and those ‘rejected interests’ are usually vital for social development. Now remember that high school is a psychopathic hellscape crawling with cruel little monsters ready to vent their newfound territorial instincts on anyone who doesn’t fit in. The kid who wants to discuss the depiction of brontosauruses in a sort-of-okay remake of a 1933 movie isn’t doing himself any favours — constant bullying drives him even deeper into reclusive interests and solitary hobbies, and from there, it’s the luck of the draw whether those hobbies resonate with any of the kids around him.

I’ve always known a lot about things no one knows about, and nothing about things everyone knows about. This, along with the fact that a lack of social life makes it easy to focus on one’s studies, creates the illusion that some autistic kids are eccentric geniuses-in-the-making. Parents — especially the parents of autistic children — are quick to latch onto any display of intelligence. They watch intently for any sign their long struggle is paying off, and when it happens, they praise their child endlessly, reinforcing behaviour patterns both good and bad. Because adults told me I was intelligent, I told other children I was intelligent, and you can imagine how well that went.

This misapprehension — confusing a bunch of random trivia for genius — followed me into high school, hurting me all the while, which is ironic, because it was the only positive way I could think about myself.

I’m lucky to have found books and writing as lifelong passions, but that almost didn’t happen; in fact, I used to despise any writing task the teacher set for me, to the point of outright refusing to do the work. In my defence, I was trying very hard to be somewhere else at the time — mentally, that is. The idea of putting my feelings on paper, for all to see? I couldn’t conceive of anything more terrifying.

Harry Potter changed things. I was gifted The Deathly Hallows when it was first published, and even though I had no idea what was going on in the story (I hadn’t even seen The Order of the Phoenix yet), I thought it was wonderful — maybe because I was getting a sneak peek into a future movie. Since then, I’ve always had a book close at hand, and it wasn’t long before I started writing my own novels (more on those another time).

 Voracious reading was, technically, another un-social activity that would consume my waking hours, but at least it was productive. My grades improved dramatically. I got good at writing essays. I became better at expressing myself, and I started to consider other people’s points of view. I made friends, lifelong bonds. I wouldn’t say I was happy at that stage of life — bullies tend to push back against things like improved mental health — but at least I was growing.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how close I came to disaster. I was 13 or so. If I’d left it any later, I doubt the outcome would have been so peachy. There are plenty of autistic adults with no friends, no employable skills, no human contact but ageing parents and rare, fleeting therapy sessions. Many of these people are quirky and brilliant, but there’s no happy ending for them.

Being an Autistic Adult.

Autism never goes away. It never gets ‘better’. It isn’t curable because it’s not a disease, despite what the vaccine deniers might tell you; autism is an intrinsic part of my neurological makeup, and living with it is a process of compromises.

I had to accept, early on, that I’m not the same sort of human being as the people around me. My brain is a different brand of brain: it makes different connections, processes different bits of data at different speeds. Things that seem obvious to you, need to be explained to me. I struggle to read a room, and I’m never quite sure if the person I’m talking to would really rather I shut up.

Put simply, my childhood experiences made me keenly aware of myself as an outsider. I need to watch for people’s reactions to anything I say or do, all the while navigating a maze of social cues and left-unsaids — but sooner or later, I’m always going to slip up. When you are differently-brained, it’s easy to misinterpret instructions, or to misjudge which thread of discussion is most important; and when you’re processing so much data at any one time, small-yet-vital points are going to slip under the radar. The result is being told off, being laughed at (‘laughing with you, not at you’ is another fun slogan I’ve learned to endure), and generally feeling stupid or useless for overlooking one point of data among hundreds.

 As I grew into an adult, I got better at performing normal. Nowadays, only those who spend a lot of time around me can spot the signs of my condition: I seem confident, funny, sympathetic, and I make friends easily. As I write this, I can’t help but feel uneasy: it makes me wonder, and not for the first time, how much of my personality is genuine. In high-stress situations, the generic piece of advice is ‘relax and be yourself.’ Succeeding in life as an autistic person means learning not to be yourself, or at least creating a version of yourself that can exist in public — so, where does the real me end, and the performance begin? Are they one and the same? I’ll never know the answer to that question.

Being an autistic adult, then, means pretending I’m not autistic for the benefit of other people. It’s a lifelong, often exhausting performance, and the temptation to retreat into my shell is ever present. But, just like anyone else, I long for human contact, so the compromise is a necessary one.

Blessings & Curses: Redux.

Terry Pratchett wrote that humans need to learn to believe the little lies so they can believe in big ones. There’s something I wish I knew during the bad years; that I was far from the only person suffering from my condition. My parents were stumbling in the dark just like me, except they had to pretend everything was under control.

My dad confided in me, recently, how he used to cry — a lot — during those days when I would return from school after another worst day of my life, talking about footballs thrown at my head, being cornered and verbally abused, or being removed from class after another tantrum. These were practically daily occurrences, and they’ve left their lifelong marks on me, but I’ve never lacked for brilliant people willing to help, people who were alongside me in my suffering. Raising a child is hard, and raising a neurodivergent child is even harder. Can I blame my parents for wanting to believe in blessings, and not curses?

Most of the time, those bad years seem like a distant memory. I don’t see autism as my blessing or my curse; it’s just a part of me — a frustrating, limiting, often embarrassing part of me, but one just as vital as my eye colour or ethnicity. I’ve come to accept it and be content despite it, and I suppose that’s the best outcome I could hope for.