#and that we deserve our pain more on some level

[terrainofheartfelt]

do you think blair or serena is more anti-hero

It is both of them, but I raise you this: it is most Jenny Humphrey

I mean, the parallels!

I wake up screaming from dreaming / One day, I'll watch as you're leaving / 'Cause you got tired of my scheming and You say that now, but I'll do something to let you down, then you'll turn your back like everyone else.

and the repeated refrain of I'm the problem, it's me with No one is forcing you to be here and The only thing that needs to get back to normal here is you.

"Anti-Hero" belongs to Jenny Humphrey the most.

[thurstonwaffles]

I know some of you have probably been curious how Shelli and I have been doing since we lost him. I’m sure it wasn’t a secret that we had a very strong bond with Thurston. When I say he was my best friend, that wasn’t an exaggeration. And to Shelli he was her baby. Suffice it to say we grieved hard. Things got bad for a while, to the point that our lives fell completely apart for a little bit there. I guess that’s a story for another day, but suffice it to say that, along with help from our families, one of the last gifts Thurston gave us is that we both finally sought treatment for our long-term issues with mental health. And things are going pretty well now.

I feel like we have both reached some measure of peace with his passing. It’s been hard and I still struggle just to see his little face sometimes. I definitely want to keep posting on his YouTube, but going through his videos is really hard for me as I’m sure you can imagine. I am getting closer to being able to do it though.

Thurston was not only a cat but a person to me. Maybe some people would say that are having this level of bond with a cat is unhealthy, but I’ve always believed that when you love it is something you should give freely, completely unrestrained. Because the consequences of regret from holding back love are far greater than the pain of loss later on when you’ve given with your whole heart. It’s worth it to just give! The love I have for Thurston still gives me joy to think about. It’s more important and stronger than the pain of his loss. And that’s really how I would like him to be remembered as a beautiful creature, a beautiful PERSON, that gave us lots of joy.

Every cat is spectacularly special and beautiful in their own way. Perhaps some of Thurston’s beautiful qualities are things you see reflected in your own cat. Or maybe your cat has their own special beauty that no one can see but you. So all I can say, is treasure that animal, and give them all your love. As every cat knows: they totally deserve it 😽

So after a lot of reflection, Shelli and I found we had more love to give. Our new house was completely cat-ified for Thurston anyhow, so we adopted two cats from local shelters. We are learning more about who each of them are so they can show us their own unique personalities. Their names are Nanners and Moon Pie

Anyhow, I hope this post finds you well! How was your year? Have any thoughts to share? I hope you’re doing well.

[daportalpractitioner]

the 12th house + your period

the 12th house is associated with the menstrual phase of your cycle. during the menstrual phase, our wombs are not only shedding on a physical level, but on an energetic level. we are participating in self-undoing as we shed harmful attachments which is ruled by the 12th house. the 12th house is also "the void" and the menstrual cycle is associated with the nu moon phase of the moon cycle which is in fact - a void. it is best for women who are menstruating to remain introspective + stay in solitude during her bleed - solitude being ruled by the 12th house.

aries 12H: your period may be physically painful + internally chaotic. she can also come knocking on your door unexpectedly. she is here to help you shed attachments that refrain you from dishonoring your true power. your period can feel like a time of renewal for you each month. it's possible that you may have tended to disregard your cycle at first + not deem the importance of it, and were met with reproductive issues from not prioritizing your physical health. aries 12th housers should do very light workouts to get your qi flowing so that the womb can have the energy to push you through the (re)birth canal.

taurus 12H: this is the type of woman that can eat chocolate in bed + cuddle up while watching a movie during her period (and should!). your period is here to help you shed attachment from the things that aren't adding true value to your life. if you've been holding yourself up to a high standard, there are no afflictions in your 12th house, and if venus isn't being afflicted in your chart, your period could be a calm time with nothing more than a bit of discomfort. otherwise, taurus 12th housers could experience heavy pain + cramping as well as a sign that it's time to level up. remove all stressors during this time as stress can also trigger menstrual pains.

gemini 12H: during your period, your mind could be running at 1000 miles per minute, making it more difficult for you to be present, still, and introspective. there's nothing like the downloads that you receive on your bleed. your intuition is on point, so any uncertainty can be met with clarity during your cycle as your aha moments can multiply. you can optimize your spiritual gifts by using this time for astral traveling + divination serves as powerful guidance and confirmation for you during this phase. a variety of PMS symptoms are commonly experienced with this placement, especially unpredictable mood swings. you can use this time to creatively brainstorm and write down any sudden ideas which come to mind, but wait until after your period to actually start any projects.

cancer 12H: the need to crawl into your shell to protect your innerG is crucial. when this time is honored well, this is a rejuvenating period for you. use this time to get some serious rest + reflection in. this is the perfect time to focus on matters of the home, making sure that your home still aligns with you and brings out the best of you. do an emotional check-in and reset for yourself during your period. cancer 12H natives often carry the burdening pain + trauma of the women ancestors that has come before them so you can use this time as a period of karmic healing to release the baggage that was passed down to you. your period may be a very sensitive time with low pain tolerance for not honoring your womb in the ways she deserves to be cared for.

leo 12H: many leo 12H natives are unaware of their cycles and therefore experience heavy PMS symptoms without even thinking that maybe they could be the issue. the nature of your period is connected to the story that you tell about your period. if you say that your period is this really painful, negative experience, you will continue to experience it negatively. lean into creating a positive narrative about your period; for example - my period is an exciting time for me to rest and become the best version of myself! similar to cancer 12th housers, your period is a very sensitive time and is not afraid to act up when you don't honor your womb's needs + love her wholeheartedly. this is the perfect time for self-love healing as painful periods are an indication of inadequate self-love with this placement.

virgo 12H: naturally, you may experience issues surrounding your period because of virgo's nature of being a "fixer". issues could manifest as painful periods + health issues related to the womb. your period is a detox time in order for the womb space to be purified. in order for the womb to undergo an efficient detox, conscious eating would be super beneficial for you, especially during the luteal phase of your cycle. creating a health regimen around your period is also very beneficial for healing any issues that you may be experiencing monthly.

libra 12H: your period is here to help you restore balance in life by urging you to release the ways in which you have put others before yourself. this is coming back to the essence of the divine feminine. any pain + unfortunate symptoms that arise during your period can indicate you over-exercising your masculine energy. your period reminds you that you should not find yourself in a space of chasing anything or trying to control any situation, putting you in a prime position for receiving just as nature has intended. periods are a time for realignment for those who surrender and leave it to the Divine to shift them where they need to be.

scorpio 12H: your period can usher in transformation through a (painful) death + rebirth process. your womb is shedding emotional baggage that it has not forgotten and has stubbornly been holding onto. this is a time where you would want to cut things or people off that are no longer a reflection of a high self-esteem. though this can be an emotionally intense and painful time, you can transmute this innerG to make it an empowering time rather than just a painful time. these are growing pains that you're actually experiencing. scorpio 12H natives need to find their power in their period. magick would even be highly beneficial for you to practice as your energy is super potent and magnetizing during this time.

sagittarius 12H: this is a time for you to gain insights and wisdom from the previous cycle, innerstanding the significance + purpose of that experience. the downloads go crazy during your period as your womb is consistently emitting spiritual knowledge. things can get spiritually intense and you can feel the need to switch up your flow, expand, or change direction based on divine insight given to you. it's easy for you to disregard your needs so make sure that you're taking care of your menstrual health + indulging in womb enriching foods + activities.

capricorn 12H: your period is a phase you need to take extra seriously in your cycle. she is not here for the play play! she's here to assist you on this level up to success. it's important to practice discipline on your period, especially when it comes to taking care of your health + wellness. there's a need to dismantle how the patriarchy has affected how you perceive your period. use this time as a time to rest - it's so important and this placement can humble you if you don't. you hurt your womb by participating in overexerting your masculine energy during a season of rest. your karmic lesson here is to reconnect with your femininity through your womb. infertility can be a theme + womb disorders can manifest from the disconnect to your feminine nature.

aquarius 12H: there is this innate detachment to your womb, especially if there has been a disconnection between you and your mother. you may experience or have experienced irregular periods due to the influence of uranus. this is a time for you to do some deep healing + innovation each month. your period can feel like a spiritual upgrade as you detach from whats no longer serving your vision. dive deep into the collective consciousness + use your period as a time to reflect on how you're being called to show up for the collective. there's a need to embrace your womb + honor her, not reject her. also, make sure you're taking time to be present in the moment as you can experience the difficulties of being still.

pisces 12H: you are deeply + psychically connected to your womb. you know when your period is coming + you naturally feel connected to all the phases of your cycle as they all have an effect on your body. allow this time to be a time for much rest + solitude. this could be a very sensitive time with heavy emotional releases. disregarding the unaddressed emotional turmoil taking a toll on your womb can allow the manifestation of disease in the womb to take place. spiritual upgrades leading you to feel closer to God happen during this time as well. you may have grown up not innerstanding the importance of your cycle + perceived your period to be a time of suffering rather than a very healing + empowering time. i'd highly recommend cycle syncing for cycle awareness.

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Humble request for a bottom villain x top hero where the villain struggles with insomnia, and out of desperation (and mayhaps horniness), suggests that the hero “help” them fall asleep, if you catch my drift ;) An extra helping of spice with that, thank ye!

“When did it start?” the hero asked. They took off the villain’s shirt and pressed a wet kiss to the villain’s neck.

They could be quite straightforward when they wanted to be. The villain welcomed the candor, they found it quite refreshing when the hero told them a plan was full of logical errors or that the villain’s actions were unacceptable.

“Like…” The villain tried to think but it was getting more difficult with the hero levelling their weight on the villain’s hips and leaving a path of kisses up their neck. “…fuck, I don’t know. Like, two months ago?”

The hero paused with the kisses and looked at the villain with a hint of a frown on their face.

“Two months?” they asked. The villain could see their chest heave rhythmically and it was, stupidly, demanding a little too much attention.

“Yeah…”

“Help me with your pants, will you?”

“Oh—okay—” The villain didn’t even have enough energy to be excited. They were exhausted but couldn’t sleep. At this point, they were used to turning and tossing in their bed. It was an actual punishment and although they believed they deserved this to some degree, it slowly began to turn into a cruel and violent thing.

A part of them had already lost all hope of getting a good night's sleep.

Headaches accompanied them all day. They couldn’t eat, they had troubles with their vision. They had tried most things the internet had told them to: physical activity, an optimised work schedule, balanced nourishment. Nothing had worked so far and they refused to see a doctor.

Once their pants were off, the villain felt even more incompetent than when they had suggested all of this.

“Are you nervous?” the hero asked and when the villain looked up at them, they looked quite concerned.

Hell, the hero could be so kind.

“I’m fine,” the villain lied.

“Do you have any preferences?” The hero touched the villain’s naked chest gently and instinctively, the villain took in a deep breath. They preferred to swallow their moans. That was pathetic to some degree but unfortunately, it had become a habit.

Sometimes, it was even astonishing to the villain how little their self-confidence was.

“I don’t think so, no…” It probably meant nothing to the hero. It was probably like a job to them or maybe they were even using the villain for their own benefits — the villain wasn’t sure and they were actually terrified this would turn out to be very painful.

But they were undeniably desperate. Desperate for something to actually work, desperate for rest that lasted more than two hours.

"To be clear, we are taking this very slow," the hero said. Their voice was soft, softer than it should have been.

"Hm?" the villain asked. They hadn't realized how hard their fingers were digging into the hero's waist.

"Well...it's our first time together, so we shouldn't rush it." The villain couldn't believe that the hero was actually blushing. Usually, figuring out the hero's true feelings was an entire puzzle game.

"But isn't quick and rough more, I don't know, appropriate for our relationship?" the villain asked. At least, that was what they had expected - something purely physical that had no other feelings attached.

The villain wouldn't have minded.

"Oh, I..." The hero scratched the back of their neck. "I actually thought it would be more helpful if it was a little more ardent. I mean, considering your condition, you really need to rest and I guess it could help your body more if you were actually really into it. And, uh...if, you know, we are more intimate, we could take our time to communicate more and you can tell me what you like and what you dislike and if we take it slow, you can really get used to it and...I'm gonna be honest, two months is really bad."

The villain stared at the hero, eyes wide. Were they actually losing their mind or had they just heard more words coming out of the hero's mouth than they had thought to be possible?

"Wait, are you saying you don't want to or you can't or...?" The villain blinked several times. God, it was so frustrating to be so slow with their thoughts.

The villain felt like they could actively tell whenever a brain cell of them died.

"No, darling, I..." The hero put their flat hand on the villain's naked chest, right where their heart was. The hero's fingers were so warm against their chest that it was actually very pleasant. "I knew you struggled but I didn't know this started two months ago. I could have helped you sooner. Two months is actually fucked up and I don't know if I can really help you."

"Oh..." The hero raised their hands, suddenly alarmed.

"Of course I will try but you should see a doctor nonetheless." They took the villain's hands and pressed soft kisses against the villain's knuckles. "Also, I don't want your money."

"Are you sure?" the villain whispered.

"Very sure." The hero bent over and pinned the villain's wrists above their head. There wasn't much space between them anymore, in fact, the villain's lips were nearly brushing against the hero's. And it seemed to the villain like their enemy was hesitating.

If the villain's brain had functioned properly, they would have probably come to a very convincing and quick explanation as for why the hero was acting like that. Blushing. Talking a lot. Hesitating.

But the villain had all the clues in front of them and couldn't connect them.

"Ready when you are," the villain said and the hero only nodded quickly.

It was quite different from what the villain was used to. They had never considered themselves to be a good lover. Most of their relationships had crashed like a car - quickly and painfully. Hence, they had rather told themselves to concentrate on themselves first.

But for some reason, the hero made them feel a little better about themselves. Their sweet and innocent kisses only slowly evolved into something more passionate and carnal.

A few times, the hero parted from them to moan the villain's name or to kiss their body.

And then, the villain couldn't really explain it, they actually got tired. They supposed it was the warmth and the intimacy. They supposed it was the hero's sweet voice and their kind words. For a while, they fought it. They tried to concentrate on the hero but it was getting more difficult by the second.

It was something so strange and foreign, yet so comforting that only for a second, the villain thought they had completely lost it. They managed to wrap their arms around the hero and reply with lazy kisses, even though the hero was doing most of the work.

For the first time, they felt truly at peace. It was quite impossible. They felt safe, they felt protected. It wasn't like they had been more stressed than usual or that they had felt unsafe at home.

But the hero who was gentle and kind really gave something within the villain the kind of solace that they didn't know they had needed.

The villain allowed themselves to close their eyes and relax for a second.

"Are you okay?" the hero whispered. They kissed the villain's forehead but the villain didn't open their eyes.

"Yeah...yeah, just...gimme a sec." The hero raked through their hair and that was the last thing the villain could recall.

[alwaysbewoke]

our entire political system is flawed, but

you're not going to change it in one election to perfection; what you can absolutely do is make everything worse in one election. also, you can acknowledge that the system needs work and that you want more without lying and pretending as if it has produced nothing positive for you. the problem right now with many people is that you guys want an instant solution. you want an instant fix. however, there is no such thing. there will not be one election or one candidate or one bill that's going to fix this. this is going to take long-term, strategic, methodical work for us to make it right, and i can tell right now that many people are not up for the task. they're too weak, but they won't be weak enough to complain, make videos, tweets, ig posts, reels, tiktoks, blog posts and whatever whining when shit hits the fan. they'll be the first ones howling at the moon and gnashing their teeth without taking responsibility for the part they played in the shitstorm.

here's some simple advice: pack the senate and congress with hardcore progressives. hardcore progressives. and then go to your local election and pack that with hardcore progressives again. but by no means should any of us accept any talk or strategy that gives the republicans power. at some point, you've got to stop playing checkers in a chess game.

however, the problem is this point of view should have been adopted in 2016. i fear that it might actually be too late because people played checkers in the chess game knowing full well that whoever won that election was going to have at least one supreme court pick. that winner actually got three and now has set this country back for the foreseeable future. generations are going to be feeling that pain. we missed out on critical years to address climate change. the voting rights of black people have been completely undermined. the educational opportunities for black people have also been undermined. discrimination against gay people has been affirmed. we saw the death of millions of americans at the hands of a global pandemic that was profoundly mishandled, and yet having seen and experience all of this people are willing to entertain the idea of allowing those in power who did all this to get even more power again. UNBELIEVABLE! people like that deserve ridicule.

if you actually care about black lives, people of color, trans rights, gay rights, healthcare, education, palestine, dr congo, police brutality, child poverty, climate change, restoring democracy, voting rights, equitable access to all levels of education, ending the prison industrial complex, women's rights, and etc do not entertain any talk about taking actions that will give republicans power. not in the short term. not in the long term. don't let your anger and your disappointment force your hand into making things worse for yourself and others. there's already been widespread voter suppression so if you think you're going to give republicans all that power and then vote to take it away from them down the line when everything is more to your liking, you are delusional. if you really want to change things (like for real, you're not just talking shit about "progress"),here are some insightful videos:

#FuckBidenButHellToTheNoOnAnyRepublican

[multiplicity-positivity]

Here’s some positivity for those who are struggling with their plurality!

Not every headmate and system may enjoy, benefit from, or feel at home in their plurality. For many folks, their multiplicity may cause them strife or suffering, and may be part of what makes them disordered. Those who don’t like or are struggling with their plurality still deserve to be uplifted and cherished in the plural community, though! If you or other members of your system find your plurality to be harmful or detrimental, this post is for you!

🌷 Shoutout to those who can’t seem to accept or come to terms with their plurality!

💜 Shoutout to systems whose chronic indecision, arguing, and internal fighting make their lives miserable!

☘️ Shoutout to systems with complex dissociative disorders who have high levels of amnesia and dissociative barriers!

🌷 Shoutout to systems who have to mask for their own safety, but whose members find masking to be difficult and exhausting!

💜 Shoutout to systems who deal with chronic migraines, headaches, and fatigue as a result of their plurality!

☘️ Shoutout to those who are prone to forgetting about their system and plurality!

🌷 Shoutout to systems whose minds are often loud, crowded, chaotic, and overwhelming!

💜 Shoutout to systems who have lost friends or loved ones in the past as a result of their plurality!

☘️ Shoutout to those who often wish that they were singlets!

🌷 Shoutout to new or recently split headmates who are having a very hard time adjusting to system life!

💜 Shoutout to nontraumagenic systems whose plurality is disordered or who are struggling to come to terms with their plurality, even if they made a conscious choice to become plural!

Folks, if you are struggling with your plurality, if you find system life to be painful, overwhelming, or challenging, or if you just don’t like being part of a system, please know that our hearts go out to you. We hope that your lives will get much easier and you will find ways to cope with your plurality that are both healthy and affirming for you. You are not wrong or bad for struggling with your plurality. It’s okay to not be okay, and this goes for systems as much as anyone else!

To every headmate who is struggling with their plurality, we are wishing you a future full of joy and self-acceptance. We hope that you can find access to the support and resources you need to start feeling a bit more at home in your system. Know that, even if you are never able to love or embrace your plurality, you are still special and deserving of love and respect just the way you are. We truly hope that things get easier for you soon! Thanks so much for reading, and take care!

[lwtperseus]

I feel like we don't talk enough about Percy's suicidal tendencies and how heavy that is, especially THAT scene in The Blood of Olympus between Jason and Percy.

After Tartarus, Percy's mental health reached such a low level that he actually considered letting himself be killed. He could have saved himself, he could have kicked the ass of everyone who wanted to hurt him and Jason, but he just didn't feel worthy.

He genuinely felt that he deserved it, that he deserved to suffer and maybe die because he felt guilty about what happened in Tartarus, about scaring Annabeth. He gave himself up, and if it weren't for Jason being there...

When I read that passage, I felt a pain in my heart and I couldn't hold back the tears, but it comforted me a little that he decided to open up about his feelings to Jason, Even though he didn't have the courage to tell Annabeth, because we know that would shake her a lot.

I love how much Jason cared about him and was a good friend, listening to him and not judging him. I feel that from then on, Jercy's friendship reached a different level, because sharing something heavy like that with someone, especially considering what their relationship was like, It is an intimate thing that requires a lot of trust and comfort and raises the level of any friendship.

Sometimes I get really irritated with Rick Riordan for not developing this part of Percy properly, for not giving him the attention he deserved. I noticed that in HOO he paid more attention, yes, to Percy's insecurities that in PJO weren't exactly hidden, but you would have to pay more attention to really notice them in his thoughts.

Nico was kind of the only one who really had any development in this part, since his emotional baggage was quite evident. I really expected that in the chalice of the gods there would be scenes of Percy dealing with some of these things, or being taken care of, but I also liked that this book was more lighthearted and comfortable, because we have to agree that our boy has suffered enough and deserves to be happy.

enfim, rants of the night.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

I wish I didn’t care this much. When I thought about potential bad news I knew I would be disappointed but I feel a bit like I’m being crushed and no-one understands why, and I think this is in many ways a reminder of the way so many people don’t view the things we are so vibrantly and beautifully passionate about as things worth being passionate about. But our passion is wonderful, it is bright and strong and it produces art and emotion and community and we deserve that. I adore these books so goddamn much but I think on some level when a book has an adaptation and the name becomes recognisable, the people who don’t understand our pain can at least acknowledge what it is and that’s unfairly vindicating, like I’m allowed to enjoy it because it’s recognisable so I’m not weird for doing so. That shouldn’t be the case and it’s not fair that it is, but it doesn’t change the fact that people are more reactive to me saying “there’s a TV show of it on Netflix!” than they are to me saying “it’s a powerful book series that changed my life”. I feel like I’ve had something taken away from me. And I feel like the knowledge that the show got cancelled will breed an idea of the books not being worth the time because the show wasn’t, and that’s just so so so not true. I’m reminding myself that these beautiful, life-changing books have always been the heart of this fandom and losing the show does not mean less love for the books, they mean the world to me. But that doesn’t stop this from hurting.

Anyway I needed to get that out, I don’t know, maybe I’ll delete this later. But there’s really something magic here, and I will love it forever. To have had an adaptation is a wonderful privilege and I’m so glad we got to see it, I just wish we’d been able to see a little more.

[littlemissmarianna]

Marriage is hard. 

The statement is cliché, but TK never doubted its truth. For years, he watched his parents struggle to make their relationship work and promised himself that his marriage would be different. He wouldn't argue with his spouse. He wouldn’t twist their words to manipulate them. He wouldn't yell and slam doors. He wouldn't bring up past hurts to inflict new pain. He wouldn't withhold affection as punishment.

TK was convinced he had safeguarded his marriage from all the pitfalls he witnessed throughout his childhood, but there's no precedent for this. He and Carlos are facing challenges neither saw coming. And while TK doesn't want to give up, he also doesn't know how to save their marriage when it feels like he's the only one fighting for it.

____________

Carlos will save everyone except himself.

Andrea has always known that, but it's still painful to watch him spiral like this. It's painful to watch her son disappear a little bit more each day.

"Mijo..."

Carlos doesn't look up. He never looks up. He never makes eye contact. He just sits at his father's desk either staring at the evidence or staring at nothing, distracted and distant.

And yes – Carlos has always been dedicated. He's always been focused and determined, but this...this is obsession. This unrelenting compulsion to investigate Gabriel's murder at the expense of everything else must stop before it's too late to salvage the life Carlos has abandoned. His health, his career, and his marriage are suffering from chronic neglect, and Andrea refuses to let it continue.

"Carlitos. You need to go home."

"I am home."

Andrea shakes her head. She can't deny that the ranch will always be her son's home, but that's not what she's talking about...and Carlos knows it. He spends more time in Gabriel's office than anywhere else, and while TK has been patient and supportive, Andrea sees how Carlos's absence is impacting his husband. She sees the sadness in TK's expression. She hears the uncertainty in his voice when he asks if Carlos is spending the night at the ranch again or if he's returning to the loft.

"You haven't seen TK in over a week."

"I've seen him," Carlos defends, gesturing to his phone. "We FaceTime every night."

"That doesn't count, Carlitos. TK deserves to sleep beside his husband."

"So do you," Carlos replies, his tone cold and sharp. "But Dad is dead, and whoever killed him is still out there somewhere."

"You're right," Andrea admits. "That person needs to be found and brought to justice. But your father wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your future for him."

"I'm not sacrificing my future," Carlos counters. "I'm trying to protect it. I can't move forward if I have to constantly look over my shoulder, Mom. What if this person isn't done with our family? What if you're next? Or Ana or Luisa or..."

Andrea knows the name left unsaid is the one Carlos fears losing the most. But her son doesn't realize that on some level, he's already losing TK. Carlos doesn't realize that the biggest threat to his future – to his marriage – is his apathy.

"Go home," she repeats, leaving no room for argument as she nudges Carlos out of his father's chair.

____________

This feeling never gets old – that straight shot of adrenaline that floods TK's system whenever the alarm goes off.

"Train derailment?"

"That's a new one."

"Sounds like a cluster..."

TK agrees, but he welcomes anything that takes his mind off his own train wreck. He never imagined he would feel this lonely being married. He never imagined he would be ignored by his husband or treated like a bother.

"Are you with us or the jocks this time?"

TK smiles and shrugs. Since Judd left, that's always the question when a call comes in: who will have custody of TK – the firefighters or the paramedics?

"We'll decide on scene," Owen says but tells his son to grab his turnout gear just in case.

____________

It's worse than they thought.

Some train cars are stacked on top of each other; some are scattered like toys after a tantrum. 

Survivors are covered in soot and dirt and blood as they wander around the scene in shock...while those who were not as lucky lie motionless on the ground.

____________

"We interrupt this broadcast with breaking news."

Carlos glances up as he pushes the food around on his plate. His mother insisted he eat lunch before heading back to the loft, but Carlos isn't hungry. He's just tired. Tired of feeling empty and detached. Tired of feeling like a failure.

Andrea gasps at the live footage. She recognizes the location instantly.

Carlos does, too. He also recognizes the 126.

"Do you see TK?"

Carlos shakes his head. He knows his husband has been putting his dual certification to good use, which means TK could be anywhere. The likelihood of spotting him in such a chaotic scene is slim, but Carlos keeps scanning as the reporter provides details.

Andrea leans forward, her own lunch forgotten as she also tries to locate TK. She always feels better when she has eyes on her boys. 

"Okay. We've just been told we need to move further back for our safety."

Carlos frowns. He's not there, but it looks like the reporter is already far enough from the scene.

The desk anchor seems to agree. "Has there been a new development?"

"Yes," the reporter confirms, glancing at the camera as she walks. "At least one of the train cars was hauling – "

The rest of her statement is lost as static fills the screen.

____________

The last thing TK will remember is trying to outrun an explosion.

____________

The faster something occurs, the slower it seems. Seconds drag on for hours.

Owen is familiar with that phenomenon, yet it still catches him off guard when it happens. He saw TK running toward him as the explosives began to ignite. 

But when the smoke clears, his son is gone.

____________

Andrea is holding Carlos's hand when the signal is restored.

"Sorry about that," the reporter says, breathless and disheveled. "We were just rocked by a huge explosion, but we're still here. We're fine."

Carlos never wants to see anyone get hurt, but this stranger's well-being is not his priority. He takes out his phone and sends a message to his husband, asking TK to let him know he's okay as soon as he can.

____________

There are now two active scenes – the derailment and the giant crater created by the blast. 

Even with flashlights, it's impossible to see the bottom of the hole...but Owen knows TK is down there, unconscious and injured.

"What do you need, Cap?"

"My son," Owen replies as he prepares to rappel into the darkness.

__________

Carlos tells himself TK is just busy. That's why he hasn't answered. 

Or maybe TK is giving Carlos a taste of how it feels to be ignored. That seems cruel in this situation, but –  

"We have an update," the reporter announces. "All passengers are accounted for, but sadly, one firefighter is missing. We have his photo..."

Andrea holds her breath, then tightens her grip around Carlos's hand as a smiling TK appears on the screen.

"This is TK Strand, the 29-year-old son of fire captain Owen Strand. Both are with the 126, which has a history of tragedy. Viewers may remember the station's catastrophic loss back in 2020. A paramedic was also killed in 2021."

Carlos's ears are ringing as he stares at the photo. Andrea was right when she said Carlos hadn't seen his husband in over a week. TK does FaceTime him every night, but Carlos doesn't hold the phone. He leaves it on the desk, so he can continue working. Each night, TK converses with the ceiling while Carlos grunts or hums his responses. 

Carlos can't even remember the last time he had an actual conversation with TK. He can't remember the last time he looked into those beautiful green eyes or kissed those soft lips. Was their honeymoon the last time Carlos held his husband? It was certainly the last time they made love.

When they returned to Austin, Carlos allowed himself to be consumed with rage. His only focus was avenging what he lost...which made him forget to love what he still had. 

But this is his wake-up call.

"Mijo..."

Carlos pulls away from his mother as he stands. He took an indefinite leave of absence from APD to pursue Gabriel's case; he took the same leave of absence from being a husband.

But as of right now, Carlos is back on duty.

____________

The 126 executes the rescue like they always do – as a family, as a team.

TK is unresponsive when they find him, but he's alive.

That's all that matters.

____________

Carlos is halfway to the scene when Owen calls.

"Please tell me you found him."

"We did," Owen confirms, though he doesn't ask how Carlos knew TK was missing. "We're still wrapping up here, so can you meet him at the hospital? If you're not too busy..."

The words are meant to sting. They're meant to send a message of their own, and Carlos deserves it.

"I'm heading there now," he replies as the Camaro sails through an intersection.

____________

A miracle.

That's the doctor's only explanation for how his patient survived an explosion with just a minor concussion.

My miracle, Carlos thinks as he kisses TK's bruised forehead.

____________

TK doesn’t remember coming to the hospital. He doesn’t remember anything, except –

“Baby. You with me?”

TK blinks as he realizes Carlos is sitting beside him.

“Hey. How do you feel?”

“My head hurts,” TK admits as he glances around the room. “What happened?”

“There was an explosion,” Carlos explains, his fingers gentle as they fan through TK’s hair. “But you’re gonna be okay. They’re discharging you soon.”

“Is Dad coming?”

“He’ll meet us at the loft.”

“Us?” Maybe it’s the concussion, but TK is confused. “You’re taking me home? Don’t you need to – ”

“I don’t need to be anywhere except right here,” Carlos replies, holding TK’s gaze. “I love you. It’s been too long since I’ve told you that.”

Carlos has said those three words every night before he hangs up, but they were delivered on autopilot. For weeks, I love you meant practically nothing. To hear them now with such conviction and sincerity makes TK want to cry.

“My dad’s case is important,” Carlos continues. “But you are my husband, TK. You will always be the most important part of my life. I’m sorry I haven’t been showing that lately. And I promise I’ll never make you doubt that again.”

TK nods and reaches up, closing his eyes as Carlos wraps him in a hug.

____________

The next morning, TK wakes up in his husband’s arms.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers, smiling when their sleepy kisses turn into something more.

[my-insanity-is-an-artform]

Shitten Shenanigans AU – The Fall of Death

Lamb heaved deep shuddering breaths as they glared at the now diminished form of Nar- The One Who Waits. Their body throbbed with pain and their heart was pounding so hard they thought it might burst from their chest, but all of that paled in comparison to the sheer rage that thundered through their veins.

How DARE HE?!

HOW DARE HE AFTER ALL HE AND HIS SIBLINGS HAD PUT THEM THROUGH?!

WAS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT THEIR WHOLE SPECIES AND FAMILY HAD BEEN STOLEN FROM THEM THAT HE WOULD TAKE THEIR CHILD TOO?!

Lamb stalked towards The One Who Waits, their sword scraping against the floor, as he tried to sit up only for Lamb to stomp a harsh hoof in the middle of his chest, crushing him against the ground. He struggled against it weakly, glaring up at Lamb with bared teeth.

“You’ve supplanted me. A vessel no more, now a crowned deity, you damned lamb!” He hissed furiously. “Will you be a merciful coward or a vengeful false idol, you traitor?!”

Hefting the sword above their head, Lamb sneered down at their former divine patron. “For Asha, I would slay as many gods as I need too! Especially ones that betray me first.”

The anger suddenly drained from The One Who Waits’ face, leaving confused furrowed eyes, and he ceased struggling. “…What nonsense do you speak of?”

The sudden change of emotion stayed Lamb’s hand for a moment and for some reason, they answered. “You betrayed our deal first. You demanded the sacrifice of your most devoted follower, YOUR OWN CHILD! MY CHILD!”

Rage swiftly returned to The One Who Waits’ face and he snarled back, a sudden burst of energy as he shoved the hoof off his chest and reached for Lamb. “I’D NO SOONER SACRIFICE AYM AND BAAL THAN I WOULD ASHA, YOU FOOLISH LAMB! THEY ARE NOT MY FOLLOWERS, BUT MY STUDENTS! MY CHOSEN SONS AND CHILD! MINE!”

Lamb dropped the sword and dipped out of the way of the fallen deity’s grasp, flipping him over. “YOU CALL THEM YOUR MOST DEVOTED FOLLOWER! CONSTANTLY! ALL OF US DID!”

He managed to roll to his feet and dodged their own lunge. “I WAS SPEAKING OF YOU!”

The air seemed to still as the rage within Lamb’s snuffed itself out just as quickly as it had arisen when Narinder had first spoken of a sacrifice. “…What?”

Narinder snarled as he drew himself up, lacking the monstrous height he once had but still a good foot over Lamb. “You were my most devoted follower. It was your sacrifice I spoke of!” He paused for a moment as something akin to hurt intermingled with the rage. “You truly believed I would command such a thing upon my own? Even after I had given my word no harm should ever come to them under my protection.”

Lamb tilted their jaw up stubbornly, their anger growing anew yet at a much dimmer level. “You ordered the death of your own siblings. Why would it seem such a stretch?” They knew the answer as soon as they said it.

The hurt faded as rage covered it up again, the force of such causing Narinder to shake. “My siblings betrayed me and bound me! They committed genocide for fear of me! They deserved their fates as you well know!”

Lamb flexed their fingers. “…They were still your family once. Besides, why not simply say? Why call for your most devoted’s death when you knew that is what we called Asha?”

“I had thought you would have a modicum of intelligence to recognise it was not the child that I spoke of!”

“Well, maybe if you didn’t insist on dressing up your orders, we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

“Why would you think I commanded you to leave the child with the rat if I wished for their death!?”

“You command a lot of contradictory things! Sacrifice a follower, resurrect them! Oh here’s a ritual to brainwash your followers but if you tell them to not consume strange substances, they’ll work harder at the cost of falling sick when you brainwash them!” Lamb stalked towards Narinder and jabbed a finger into his chest. “’Take Asha to Ratau’s then bring them here to die!’ is not out of character for you!”

He grabbed their hand and moved it to the side, gripping it harshly. “I sent Asha to that useless rat so that they would not have to watch! To see you sacrificed in my name would have caused them harm for how much they love you! For however much they adored your visits, they cried at every death!”

Lamb snapped their teeth in his face. “And what would you have told them?! When I never appeared again? Would you have told them the honest truth, that you had me killed? Or would you have lied to them as well?!”

Narinder grabbed them by the shoulders and shook them roughly as if to somehow rattle sense into them. “THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO NEED FOR YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN BY MY SIDE!”

“THE HELLS DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!”

“RESURRECTION, YOU FOOLISH LAMB! LIFE GIVEN ANEW WITH THE PROMISE OF ETERNITY AS MY WITNESS! A VOW THAT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FREE TO RAISE ASHA OPENLY AND IN SAFETY UNDER MY WATCH!”

Silence reigned across the blazing field of the afterlife as the two stared at each other, their breaths intermingling as they panted. The Red Crown still discarded aside.

The pain started to creep in along the edges of Lamb’s vision. “…Swear to me it was me and not them.”

Narinder started to sway as the last vestiges of his own energy began to drain away, but even then pure honesty shone in his eyes. “It was always you, Lamb.” He seemed to be staying on his feet out of pure stubbornness and by the grip he still had on Lamb’s arms. “So what is to become of me now? Will you slay me like my siblings or are you a merciful coward?”

The crown finally returned to Lamb's head.

They reached out and grabbed him as he lost the fight against his injuries. Pulling him gently into their embrace, they slowly lowered to the ground and pressed a hand to his chest, summoning the indoctrination circle below him. They couldn’t help the way they tucked him closer to their body.

“If it makes me a coward to prevent my child’s sorrow at the loss of their father, then a coward I must be.”

Narinder sputtered a bitter chuckle as his eyes went hazy with pain and betrayal. “I will not forgive you.”

“Can you blame me for doing what I thought was to protect Asha?”

Silence again before something passed over Narinder's face and he closed his eyes.

"...No, vessel. I suppose I cannot."

With that, Narinder fell into the blackness of the teleportation, leaving Lamb alone in a field of damnation and the feeling of bitterness.

______

This.... was a lot less cracky than I thought it would be when I started. I was going do like a fade to black in the middle of the argument to the POV of one of the cultists who are watching what is essentially a marital spat between their leader and their god, but it didn't fit the vibe.

This Narinder never lies. He doesn't always tell the truth but he doesn't lie. Which is why Lamb took him at face value when he said he wanted to kill his most devoted and when he said everything here.

They're both too proud to have an actual conversation about this until they get locked in the confessional by the kids.

Narinder also feels a bit tame but, 1) he's currently in shock at the loss of godhood, 2) he just spent the past couple of years co-parenting with Lamb which bonded them closer than in canon and 3) its my au and I do what I want.

Asha is my shitten's name which fun fact means hope/wish/desire in Sanskrit (same origin as Narinder's name) and life/longevity in Arabic/ Swahili which I thought was cute.

[tkachuktkaching]

Some of the Matthew Quotes from his recent Interview

Fresh off eliminating the Tampa Bay Lightning in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Panthers forward Matthew Tkachuk joined The Pat McAfee Show on ESPN to talk all things puck on Wednesday.

Still in amazement of Tkachuk’s toughness to play with a broken sternum during last year’s Stanley Cup Final, McAfee and his energetic band of co-hosts started the show talking about playing through pain.

“In the Stanley Cup Playoffs all bets are off and you do whatever you can to play,”

“He was fired up to see us beat Tampa the other day,” (talking of his dad)

“Growing up having him as a voice, as a role model, my brother and I were not forced to play hockey, but we had everything around us to help us grow into it and love the game. We had him around every day to ask about anything, help coach us, teach us, but I’d say the biggest thing that allowed my brother and I to make it to this level was each other. Having that unbelievably close relationship, being each other’s best friends, biggest supporters, and competitors as well.”

“One thing that I’m super grateful that my parents did, and my mom deserves so much credit because she was mainly the one getting up at 5 a.m. to take us to the 6 a.m. practices while my dad was on the road, was that we were never allowed to play hockey 24/7, 365 days like some of these kids do now,” said Tkachuk. “My parents were all about playing every sport you can. I think that’s what allowed me to not get burnt out and my love for the game kept growing and growing more.”

“Don’t touch Bob and there won’t be any problems,” When asked about Tampa Bay and the two goalie interference calls against the Lightning in Game 5.

“We are really excited to get a few days of rest and get rejuvenated, but it’s the playoffs and you just want to be out there playing,”

“Some of the best parts of playoffs are just hanging out with the boys in the lounges on the road and watching other games throughout the league.”

With three first-round matchups still ongoing, Tkachuk spoke on how hard it is to close things out.

“The fourth game in a playoff series is always the hardest to win because no matter what you are in the series, the other team is so desperate playing for their lives you have to find a way to match that or exceed that,” said Tkachuk.

Something that can help with closing out a series is playing in front of a home crowd.

“It’s a tough question because last year in playoffs are team was lights out on the road and it didn’t matter where we played,”

“When playing in Florida, we have such great fans and the building is so loud, I think home ice is important for us, having the extra potential game seven at home, you always want to have that at home. I think our fans are so loud and we’ve made this rink here in Florida a tough place to play, so I think home ice is important for our team, it’s an extra layer you can add to the series. I think we have great fans, so it’s important for us.”

Among the recent sellout crowds at Amerant Bank Arena, Miami Dolphins Jalen Ramsey and Jaylen Waddle have come out to support and hype up the crowd with the banging of the pre-game drum.

Knowing Waddle was there, Tkachuk told the show he was planning on a big goal celebration in salute of the fellow local superstar.

“If I scored I was going to do the ‘Waddle’ because he was there,” said Tkachuk. “He’s my favorite football player.”

While it didn’t happen that game, McAfee called for Tkachuk to bring in the dance celebration next time he lights the lamp.

[hotwaterandmilk]

So I decided to pick up physical copies of The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions from Yen Press on a whim the other day. I've been in such a nostalgia hole about Ragawa's works thanks to the Hanayume 50th celebrations and I remembered her manga adaptation of Konohara Narise's novels had restarted not that long ago. It made sense to get the books and begin a catchup re-read before the fifth volume comes out in English.

I'll be honest, I don't remember much about the Kyuketsuki to Yukai na Nakamatachi novels or manga from when I first encountered them. I had the first two manga volumes in Japanese at one point, but gave them away when the manga went on hiatus years ago. However, upon beginning my catchup re-read in English I was struck by how much the story resonated with me now.

If you've never read the series before now, long story short from Yen Press, "When a vampire from Nebraska named Al gets frozen in bat form, he winds up in Japan under the care of a dark and mysterious man covered in a bloody scent!"

I'd like to get into why I think this series is worth picking up now and for that it's probably easier to throw my ramblings under a cut.

I feel like the humorous elements of the series are what get talked about in the (admittedly scant) English language reviews for the series and, while the whole setup can be quite amusing, the more serious elements are what actually makes it stand out from other vampire tales with romantic elements. While everything is exaggerated, there are some very "real" aspects that help The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions stand out in an endless sea of vampire tales.

For example, Al being bitten by a vampire wasn't a ticket to easy street. There was nothing glamorous about what happened to him. That bite ruined his life and through no fault of is own, he rapidly became destitute. Vampirism in fiction is often shown leading characters to social isolation, but not necessarily to poverty. Given that Al has lost everything that connected him to his previous life, it makes sense that in our current capitalistic society he'd also lose access to even the most basic things our societal identities afford us -- including housing.

So yes, it's amusing that this bat-boy ended up flash frozen and shipped with some meat to Japan. However, the circumstances that led up to that outcome are given the weight they deserve. You truly do feel for Al in these moments because haven't we all been, at one time or another in our lives, perilously close to losing everything? These fleeting glimpses at the past sting in otherwise rollicking segments of the story as they should. Everything beautiful in Al's present is something that he didn't have during his lowest points and you truly feel for him as he works to prolong these moments.

Another serious moment that lifts the series even higher in my eyes is when it becomes aparent that Akira has access to human remains. Rather than handwaving away the access to blood as a convenient way to get Al the nutrition he needs, a significant amount of time is dedicated to the ethics surrounding the situation. The gravity with which all lives should be handled post-mortem and just a generally respectful examination of embalming as a process.

Unsurprisingly, I find the portrayal of Al's "incomplete" vampirism as a form of disability to be a compelling take on the mythos too. Al gets almost none of the "benefits" of being a vampire due to the whole process "not being done properly." What this leaves him with are a lot of things that make his everyday life different from not just humans, but "complete" vampires as well.

These differences mean he struggles to feed himself properly, feels significant levels of pain, and his body is often weak or doesn't behave the way he wants it to. The cause here is obviously fiction, but the way Al's acquired disability impacts his capacity to function to an acceptable level in a society of "normal" folks (both human and vampire) really struck me as ringing true, at least for myself and my own disabilities.

Yeah, I'm not going to turn into an adorable bat (and truly, bat Al is A D O R A B L E) but the struggle to make use of the few good hours in a day when my body works to a degree, that's so goddamn real. Al wants to contribute to the household, to pay back Akira and to be a functioning member of society... but it's not as straightforward for him as it is for others and that's something I appreciate being explored here.

Another thing that stands out to me is Akira's sexuality. While there are a lot of misunderstandings with Al and Akira that lead to people assuming they're lovers, when Akira is pushed into a corner about having a lover he shuts this down by describing himself as being frigid or having a low libido (in very blunt language).

I feel like the depth of this is conveyed well in the English translation by the subsequent line:

While at this point in the series Akira hasn't labeled his sexuality as being either demisexual or asexual, this is definitely something that it feels like the narrative is leaning towards. Particularly when Al clarifies the difference, in his limited language skills, between the physical and the romantic.

Akira is still figuring out what is comfortable for him in terms of dealing with people, so it makes sense that his progress regarding intimacy has only accelerated after meeting Al. The batty vampire is pushing him towards understanding more about himself and how he chooses to interact with those around him, but the ball is still very much in Akira's court regarding whether he'd like to explore either the physical or emotional aspects of their relationship further. I found that really refreshing?

That this story allows the dark-haired, brooding hero who is one part of our lead will-they-or-won't-they, to assert that he doesn't feel the same level of physical attraction that others do. That he isn't entirely confident in this either, that it's a part of himself he's never opened up about before, that it's something Al uncovers and isn't suddenly changed to fit what is acceptable. But that it doesn't lessen Al's interest in him, it's just part of who Akira is... gah! It really resonated with me idk. I love some smut, but I also appreciate it when a story focused on something as sexual as vampirism chooses to eschew this in favour of raw emotional edging instead.

I've pushed the more serious elements of the text in this ramble, but before I wrap up I should really note that there are some very funny moments too. For example, Al's bluntness here when he speaks Japanese.

The Vampire and His Pleasant Companions isn't the best work of vampire fiction I've ever read, but it uses its recurring themes of isolation vs. the need for connection to craft an enjoyable narrative. One that I feel lingers in my mind a bit more than others. While Al's unique form of vampirism leads to some absurd escapades, the story is elevated by having its emotional core remain grounded in the intrinsic beauty of everyday human interaction and how even fundamentally different people can connect in small but significant ways.

Blah blah blah, you should check it out, I can't wait for the next volume, etc.

[lyculuscaelus]

In general, the mythological picture Homer and other ancient writers were trying to provide us in their poems is quite different from each other in many aspects. One of which is the lore about Odysseus. For example, in a Homeric world, Odysseus’s family is a line of single sons, as Telemachus has pointed out in the Odyssey, book 16, line 117–120:

ὧδε γὰρ ἡμετέρην γενεὴν μούνωσε Κρονίων: μοῦνον Λαέρτην Ἀρκείσιος υἱὸν ἔτικτε, μοῦνον δ᾽ αὖτ᾽ Ὀδυσῆα πατὴρ τέκεν: αὐτὰρ Ὀδυσσεὺς μοῦνον ἔμ᾽ ἐν μεγάροισι τεκὼν λίπεν οὐδ᾽ ἀπόνητο. 120 The son of Cronus makes our family a line of single sons: Only one son—Laërtes, did Arceisius beget; Only one son—Odysseus, did his father (Laërtes) beget; then Odysseus, begetting Only one son—me, left me in his halls, and had no joy of me.

Also, it’s not just Telemachus using dramatic here and I stand by my point. Might rant about it at some point but for now, let’s just say the word μούνωσε (its 1st person present indicative form being μονόω) is extremely interesting here, and another thing to keep in mind is the use of Dios boulē in the Odyssey, which also deserves some ranting of its own.

Now, back to the topic. The choice of words here is presumably deliberate, as Homer is trying to establish his own version of the story and suppressing some other epichoric traditions. (Creative liberties is certainly not just a modern concept fellas but anyways) Therefore we have our so-called Homeric tradition, which is the result of the omission of a number of local traditions, plus his unique portrayal of characters as a treat. Keep in mind that this is not the only version of the story (but certainly the most intriguing and influential one), so you would notice something off almost immediately (say, Dictys Cretensis and the Telegony). Now, there is only one point I’d like to bring up:

Don’t pretend that those non-Homeric stories could still work well within the Homeric tradition; and don’t expect certain Homeric rules to apply to other non-Homeric lore.

Again, back to our example. The one-son-per-generation rule is most certainly Homeric and can only stay in a Homeric setting. You do not apply this to Theogony and certainly not the infamous Telegony. On the other hand, the Telegony is NOT a sequel to the Odyssey, but rather tells a different story which is set after the time of the Odyssey. That Odysseus seen in Proclus’s summary of this poem is certainly not the Odysseus we know of, and chances are that he was exile by his people while this is invalidated by the ending of book 24 of the Odyssey, and the oar quest might not even have happened in the Telegony.

Yes, I know that some may find the angst potential of Nausinous and Nausithous (this includes me) or the painful death of Odysseus (you lost me here) irresistible, but keep in mind that they’re in a different setting now, and the portrait of characters is likely different. But that doesn’t mean you can’t explore the story itself. In fact, it’s even more intriguing to see how our beloved Homeric characters would behave in these non-Homeric settings. Giving Odysseus a chance to be the father he never was is angsty as hell; putting Odysseus in Thesprotia after him facing family issues also brings the story itself to a new level (glances at Smitty 👀); etc. After all, one could even say they’re fanfic ideas set in different AUs, waiting to be explored by future writers…

So…yeah.

[20dollarlolita]

What's up, here's a little pep talk I had to have with myself about the fact that I've recently gone from invisibly disabled to very visibly disabled. It was a pep talk for me, but you can have it too:

Part 1) You deserve to be more than surviving. When you can fumble through and do okay, nice. But what if you can give yourself more support? If, instead of fumbling through, you are able to be comfortable and happy, then you're allowed to do what makes you comfortable and happy. You can do what makes you comfortable and happy, even if you don't NEED it just to get by. Also, BTW, if you feel very poorly when you drive in stop-and-go traffic for more than 4 minutes, because your body is in too much pain from pressing the brake pedal, you deserve better than that.

Part 2) I didn't feel particularly awkward getting disability aids that weren't visible. Expensive insoles in all my shoes isn't a thing other people see, and I didn't feel weird getting them myself. Taking ibuprofen multiple times a day wasn't a visible thing, and I didn't feel weird doing it. It was when I was looking at getting a cane, and when I was looking at getting a wheelchair that I started worrying about if I was "disabled enough" to need it. That was some fun ableism to get to unpack. Invisible things, didn't need to question if I needed them. Visible things, "ooh what if I'm just overreacting?" Can only trust my own judgement of my disability when no one can see it? Yikes.

Part 3) "What if I get a cane and then I get better?" YES. YES. THAT IS THE POINT. THAT IS THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. IF THAT HAPPENS, THEN YOU WIN. YOU DID GOOD.

Part 4) Everyone's ability level fluctuates constantly. It's so built into our lives that we don't even see it, at least until it's someone's disability. "I deadlifted 290lbs yesterday and now my arms feel like noodles," is overexerting yourself and paying for it the next day. Being willing to hike 5 miles in hiking boots, but not wanting to walk a mile down the beach in flip flops? That's your ability level changing depending on what support you get from what you're wearing. Walking 5 miles in hiking boots, but calling a Lyft to drive you 10 blocks because you're wearing high heels? That's getting help from someone else because your ability level is lower that day.

But when it's not being able to get out of bed because you cleaned your house yesterday and overexerted yourself, when you'll walk across a parking lot with a cane but will use a rollator to walk 1/4 mile, when you need someone to push your wheelchair on days when you don't feel good, it feels harder to accept. Also, a lot of abled people fully understand not walking 10 blocks in heels, but consider a disabled person faking because they use nothing one day and a wheelchair the next. Understanding changing ability level is so built into culture that it's not even noticed, but understanding dynamic disability level is apparently just too much to ask people.

Part 5) Every motivational speaker will talk about proacting and reacting. Reacting is looking at the situation you are in, and figuring out what to do about it. Reacting is what you do after something happens. Proacting is where you look at the future, and figure out what to do so that the future situation is something better. Proacting is what you do to make something happen.

Despite the 20dollarlolita pep talks tag on this blog, I'm not a motivational speaker. I'm not going to say that you must proact all the time. I'm going to say that proacting is very valid. If you look at your situation, and you go, "If I use my wheelchair today, then I will have enough energy to do what I want to do tomorrow. If I don't use my wheelchair today, I will be in pain and have difficulty functioning tomorrow," then you can use the wheelchair, even if you feel fine. I've found that, when I use my cane, I often don't feel like I need it. However, my situation is such that I can go from, "I don't need it," to "I really need it," faster than a sponge in a treedome. Over the span of a couple of steps, I can lose my balance or step wrong and find that I'm really leaning on my cane for the rest of the day. Not bringing it because I don't need it at the start of the walk from the parking garage to the coffee shop means that I don't have it on the walk back to the parking garage from the coffee shop. That's putting strain on my ankle that I don't need to put.

Waking up, feeling fine, and still using your wheelchair is completely valid. If you have even the slightest concern that not using your wheelchair today will make things even the tiniest hair bit worse that it would if you'd take the wheelchair, you can absolutely take the wheelchair.

You don't need to proact all the time, though! If you say, "Yeah, I don't want to take the wheelchair, and whatever happens tomorrow will happen," that's also your right. You're the one in your body, and you'll be the one who pays the consequence of not doing something, so you can make a judgement that most other people can't. As long as your judgement is based on your body and your ability, and isn't based on society pressuring you to take less accommodation than you need, you can make that judgement.

Part 6) Sitting down in a wheelchair, your elbows are generally much better able to hit someone's crotch than they are if you're standing up. Sometimes, people will do shitty ableist things. And look, no one knows for sure that it wasn't an accident, that someone did a shitty ableist thing and then you accidentally elbowed them in the crotch. Just food for thought there.

[lueurjun]

@jakewife i hope you enjoy my love. let’s hope i get this one right the first time lmao ehshsjs you didn’t specify a trope so i just winged it—it turned out much longer than i anticipated

hufflepuff bf jake x slytherin reader.

right off the bat: slytherin x hufflepuff quidditch rivalry trope

elite enemies to lovers ( sorta ) trope. sorry not sorry i love it so much

jake gives sporty, friendly jock type. the one that is so popular and loved by everyone just because of how nice and cool he is without even trying

and you’re kinda giving nice but stern, oliver wood level quidditch obsession who lives, breathes and eats victory

iconic if you ask me

it’s never just a ‘friendly’ match when hufflepuff is against slytherin

it’s personal beef between you and jake

well. you

jake thinks it’s just the type of friendship you guys have

but you absolutely despise him and live to crush every single one of his dreams on that broomstick of yours

well, at least you think you do

your friends are convinced there’s something else that makes you so invested in jake

but you’re more than sure that it’s just because you dislike how cocky he is and want to dominate hufflepuff at quidditch

‘our match against hufflepuffs. we have to beat them or else life is worthless’

‘don’t we play ravenclaw first?”

‘NO ONE CARES ABOUT RAVENCLAW THIS IS ABOUT HUFFLEPUFF AND THE GOOD FOR NOTHING GOBLIN THEY CALL A CAPTAIN! HE’S A TERRIBLE PERSON’

you almost snap your broom, the mere mention of him gets you riled up

meanwhile, jake is just skipping around campus complimenting people like there’s no tomorrow

‘yo! is that a new tie? it brings out your eyes”

such a terrible person. honestly deserves a cell in azkaban

you don’t completely know why jake gets you so mad

more often than not you tell yourself that it’s just because jake burns your pride

he’s very good at quidditch, and sometimes, you feel like maybes he’s better than you

which you hate because you excel at the sport and it’s the one thing you love most in the world

and knowing he might be better burns. so you take it and turn it into sheer hatred for him

but you don’t really hate him at all

and you realise that when you watch him hit the ground during hufflepuff’s match against gryffindor

the game stops but you’re already on the field before the players realize what happened

‘jake? jake? can you hear me? Oh heavens—’

‘i’m in heaven? can you send one of your other angels down there to tell my angel, their name is y/n, that i really liked them?’

then he passes out?

and you’re just like???

did he just call you his angel?

WAIT DID HE JUST SAY HE LIKES YOU??

you don’t know when it happened but at some point, you’re pulled back by one of the teachers to let the other teachers have a look at him

and you’re just out of it so you don’t have any idea what’s going on

finally after jake’s been removed from the pitch one of your friends pull you away since it’s started to rain

‘you were on the pitch before anyone even realized jake was hurt…’

your friend is smirking, half expecting you to hit them over the head

but you don’t

‘i think i might like jake’

now that’s not what they were expecting

‘and i think he likes me too’

your entire friend group makes a massive scene of applauding and hooting, ‘it’s about time’

but you’re too focused on what happened back on the field

then you find yourself standing up and heading out of the great hall, your friends fading into the background as you rush to the hospital wing

jake is awake when you arrive and he beams at the sight of you

‘y/n! it’s good to see you, i like your hai—“

‘do you like me. yes or no.’

primary school crush core ^

jake’s taken back by your sudden question

but after a few minutes, he slowly nods his head

you weren’t actually expecting him to nod, so you stand there unsure of what to do

‘right then… i think i like you back’

nice

totally romantic

rom com confessions could never

jake grins — though he’s in a lot of pain so you can’t actually tell whether he’s grinning or grimacing

either way, a win is a win. you’re both now in like

DATING HUFFLEPUFF JAKE

after the awkward but kinda sweet confession in the hospital wing, the two of you decide that normal people start dating from then on

so that’s what happens

he leaves the hospital wing with a broken arm but he’s got you on his good one so he takes that as a win

everyone is flabbergasted when you rock up to the great hall holding his hand

all of your friends are exchanging money with jakes friends. turns out they had secret bets on how long it would take before the two of you finally got together

you’re not a pda person so hand holding or a quick cheek kiss is as far as you’re willing to go in public

‘can i at least peck your lip-’

‘put those lips near me whilst we’re in a public space and i will hex you’

hex him out of like, you like the boy too damn much to ever hurt him

you’d dive in front of a killing curse before you’d ever point one at him

but the threat still stands

in private though, you’re all over him

makeout sessions in the restricted section after jake charmed his way into getting a free pass for it

though peeves the ghost has horrible timing and tends to pop up to piss you both off

so you settle for myrtles bathroom

her crying is easy to drown out when you have jake sim’s lips all over you

him admiring you from across the room

you not so subtly biting your lip when he gets all smart in lesson and starts answering questions correctly

‘seriously? him being a smart arse is what gets you going?’

‘shut up jay, at least he has more brain cells than you’

that sure did hush jay up but not without him jabbing you with his elbow

jake sneaking into the slytherin dorms for cuddles

the next morning the two of you are late to lesson and end up showing up in each others uniform

‘mr sim. i don’t recall you being placed in slytherin.’

Mcgonagall peers down at jake’s green and silver tie and then shifts her gaze to you where you’re now looking down at your own which is yellow and black

she almost smirks when she sees you hide your face behind your book

the class whistles and hoots teasingly which only makes matters worse

the funny thing is… it’s not the first time that’s happened and it most certainly won’t be the last

the quidditch rivalry never fades

‘good luck kiss?’

‘eat grass, sim. i’m about to obliterate your entire team they won’t even see it coming!’

you aggressively push past him leaving him standing there dumbfounded

and then you run back with a sheepish smile

‘with love, it’s all with love. i love you! good luck!’

then you kiss him and run back to the slytherin locker rooms, totally unaware of what you just said

it doesn’t click until the game has already started and suddenly you’re mid air freaking out on your damn broom

‘yo slytherin angel! get your head in the game!’

it’s jake and that causes you to freak out more

which he realizes AND THEN HE GRINS

‘by the way, i love you too but if you don’t get your head in the game and play like the champion i know you are, i’ll break up with you’

damn. you’re a flustered mess on your broom because that really gets you

so you play like your life depends on it

it was a close match but slytherin wins

‘so… you love me, huh?’ jake rocks back and forth on his heels with a cheeky grin

you nod ‘and i recall, you called me a champion?’

‘seriously? we’re talking about a huge step in our relationship and you’re hung up on the fact that i called you a champion?’

of course you are

it fuelled your ego

you’re so high on adrenaline that you don’t care that you’re in the middle of the quidditch pitch

dropping your precious broom, you grab jake by his collar and pull him in for a much deserved kiss

the stadium explodes with cheers but you can’t find it in you to feel embarrassed

‘i love you, my favourite champion’

oh, jake sim. he really knows how to make you putty in his hands

[fictionalmenmistress]

This hurts me deeply in a profound way. I am the essence of Will Graham embodied in real life... I am so much like him, it's insane actually on a personal level. I look like if he were a woman, too. But in her youth, early twenties. My therapist was the only one I ever had in life... that saw me. That deeply understood me, knew me, unlike anyone else. Agreed with me, genuinely. Was the dearest friend in my life. She's much older than me, but grey blondish, straight hair. She was my everything. I wasn't in love with her like Will and Hannibal or anything romantic like that, but I deeply love her and she is an anchor being in my life. She's retiring, and I'm having to lose her. Ethically, I can never see her again. It's painful for us both, she shared that too. She was my Hannibal. I don't know how I am going to live without her in my life, I wanted to share my life with her for the rest of it. I remember sobbing being so thankful to know her, the following week after our first session, because of our immediate mutual kindred connection. She saved my life. She was like the mother I deserve.

This is deeply personal because she always called me a swan, in a small pond of ducks. She always said I was like a swan. Forced to be what they want me to be, when I have limitless capacity. Endless empathy. She saw me more than anyone else, for who and what I am. She always called me a swan. And now I'm sobbing writing this.

Imagine more of an age gap genderbentethical and healthy Will and Hannibal au, where Hannibal was more like the family figure, only one, Will never was given. The truest friend. Safest place. Who didn't use him. That was us. That was us. My heart is so broken. But this post meant a lot to me in multiple ways. Just wanted to share why. 🤍 Again for us it wasn't a romantic love, but, I loved her like the dearest friend in my life. My best friend. Like a profound mother. And she is being taken from me so suddenly. It's just... a mournful time in my life. She is retiring, so she's going to be happy and get to live her life, but I still am not able to ever contact or see her again, nor her contact or reach out to me. She said she'll look for my name in lights. That she has no doubt it will be there, and be thinking of me for the rest of her life, and watching for me. I don't know how I can lose her. I had my last session with her yesterday, and there is still just, so much that was left unsaid. There is still so much time that we needed to have. I never expected to lose her this soon. I only got to know her from February to September, 2024, but... she saved my life. She is the only person in this world that KNEW me. Even in that short of a time of knowing someone. I think I will cry every time I think about this for the rest of my life. I invited her to attend my wedding in the future, whenever that will take place. Only the dearest people in my life are permitted to go. I keep a list, I've had it for years. Coming from a background of going through all types of severe trauma and abuse, there's few people I have been able to have in my life, that haven't abused or hurt me, or caused severe trauma. But she said yes, she will go!!!!! This was a huge win. To see her just once again, to be able to, in a nameless amount of unknown years or time, and be able to see her again. To share the dearest and best day of my life with her there... that provided me with some very needed consolation.

So, the dearest person in my life, my therapist, who was like my Hannibal (platonic love), to me, screen accurate young femme Will Graham personified, she always called me a swan. The most beautiful and great swan in the pond. Saved my life. And I'm losing her in my life. I am so deeply saddened by this. Imagine the bond, and separation. And to see this accuracy, and trueness in my own life... it's profound and breaks my heart.

•.°•.°•°.•°•.°•°.•°.•°•°.•.°•.°•°•.°.•°.•°.•°.•

This was me, I originally shared exactly this there, but it's not a great platform like this is. So I'm taking it here, where it is safe and belongs to be, cherished and understood.