#and the ability to accomodate them without them telling me

[nururu]

I genuinely wonder why people equate empathy to kindness? being able to understand another person and where their emotions are coming from and why they're coming from that place, the ability to be able to share those feelings with another, does not mean that, that skill is going to immediately be used to be kind. it's extremely difficult being able to understand where ppls emotions are coming from and what they're feeling and why. y'all get empathy and sympathy mixed up so much. you can be sympathetic without being empathetic and you can be empathetic without being sympathetic. I have hyper empathy bc of autism but also pretty much completely lack sympathy, also bc of autism. then ppl will be like "empaths are always lying bc they're not sympathetic and they're mean" ppl with hyper empathy are not inherently saints that CARE just bc they understand. or maybe they do care, and that care is so much, and it is extended to everyone to the point it is personally exhausting and they're not taking care of themselves so they have to intentionally ignore people's feelings and emotions in order to take care of their own. it sucks having hyper empathy and then trying to talk about it bc immediately ppl are like "why don't you cry then? why arent you super emotional?" and they're misunderstanding what empathy even is or what it's like to experience hyper empathy. stop acting like being empathetic makes you some kind of saint that martyrs yourself for other people's emotions.

[androdragynous]

tell me something about your art. fucking love the recent sharp angles.

thank you for giving me an excuse to ramble I love you. kiss

this is going to be a long post but I think it's important so I'm leaving it as a normal post and not a read more

I wrote more words and changed my mind because I got distracted a bunch of times by talking to myself. Enjoy

my own works in general have always been like. The Way By Which I Interact With The World which I think is a pretty common artist experience. my fan art tended to focus on my own characters in those settings rather than on the existing characters because of that, to my younger self's chagrin at times (the desire to Appeal To Fandom was much stronger in my younger years, which I think is also pretty typical). so there was always that lens of, like, these characters aren't me, but they could have been, in some way, or at least when viewed at certain angles. first guy is dealing with the same shit, second guy is doing some gender stuff baby me won't unpack for another five years, you get the idea.

and then the whole disability thing ramped up a few notches and everything went to shit, which is to say, for a really long time there I couldn't so much as look at art without pain, let alone long enough to create it. I did not have the tools to accomodate that disability or the finances to get them, and so for a really long time I was basically cut off from... what honestly felt like my ability to connect with people.

this sucked very badly in many ways. it's still not back to where it was before things got worse, but I'm happy with where it's been recently. I don't know how much of that is connected to getting a blood transfusion and the affiliated correction to my quantity of blood. I don't know how much of it is just pure desperation to reconnect with a world that I feel estranged from. We will come back to this point because I have a different tangent first:

I really don't like vent art. I don't like making it, I don't like posting it, and I don't like seeing it. I understand why people make it - I understand why I do - but there's a very harsh rawness to it that feels inappropriate as a viewer. It's voyeuristic; it's a look into something incredibly deeply personal hurt and an equally deep and genuine desire to have that hurt seen, validified, comforted.

I do not think vent art is bad to create or share, to be clear. The fact it makes me uncomfortable does not illegitimize it. Could honestly strengthen its reason for existing, to be quite honest.

The line blurs with disability, though, and this is where we come back to the original tangent, because to talk about disability that cannot be cured will innately be seen as venting. It's basically inevitable, in my experience. You're supposed to want to get better. You're supposed to hate existing like this. So if you mention it, to people who haven't either been in the same boat or who haven't taken the time to work through their own baggage about it, it's innately a vent. It's innately a hurt that you're burdening them with, a hurt that you want recognized and helped. My family members have been particularly bad about this viewpoint, but so have friends and medical professionals. So have strangers. I find it akin to arguments against gay public displays of affection; two men holding hands is sexual, using a mobility aid is pitiable. You get me? There's that innate sense that you, as the person watching a disabled person be disabled, should be feeling something about it, and if it's not inspiration porn, obviously you're meant to be sad. If it wasn't clear, this is the description of a train of thought that I believe is entirely incorrect.

Anyways. So disability art ends up grouped as vent art if you talk about it sucking at all, even if the suck is about the barriers presented by society and not the disability itself. I can, of course, only speak for my own experience, which is what this post is about, so my situation is very much barriers-focused.

People really, really aren't good at dealing with the discomfort part, what I detailed as the emotions I feel around vent art. People don't know what to do when you don't want help, or their help doesn't help (for whatever reason), or basically in any situation where you can't actually fix things, which is a lot of Being Disabled. It's hard to sit with that discomfort, especially when it's about a person's vulnerability. People want to help others, generally, in my experience, and it's difficult to not be able to when it's someone you care about.

Which all ties back into the voyeurism; to be visibly disabled is to be a spectacle. This has also been pretty inevitable, in my experience. Being in a wheelchair draws attention. Using a cane draws attention. Wearing an eye patch draws attention. So on and so forth. Sometimes this is great - people will offer their chairs to me sometimes if I'm using my cane, for example, which I appreciate - and sometimes it is less great.

This ties in, for me, with the part people REALLY don't like talking about, which is sex and sexuality. How do you date when you can't go out to many places? How do you get to know someone when you live with others and can't invite them over? How do you look sexy when you feel and kind of look like a corpse? These are all questions I'd love to know the answers to, because I'm shit out of luck on figuring it out so far, and that's not even touching on the actual sex, because I don't want to get this post filtered if I can help it. There's a balance, right, of being visible on purpose by flirting, dressing up, going out, making an impact, that is both directly overlapping with and directly opposed to the inevitable visibility of visible disability. They juxtapose magnificently, in a kind of sun and moon during an eclipse sort of way, you get me? You have to lean into it. You have to make yourself comfortable in that visibility because it's inevitable, and you are going to inevitably be viewed as a spectacle because you've leaned into it, and you're never going to be viewed as sexual because nobody will ever distinguish that there are two kinds of visibility being done, here.

And THAT I think is where my art is at right now, trying to convey that overlap. I do not think I have been subtle about it - it's loud colors, sharp lines, layers of vandalism over the original draft, a kind of intentional obscuration that implies many others were drawn to leave their mark there. You know? But because of What It Is, I do think it causes discomfort in the overlap. It's supposed to. It's inevitable that it would. I think being disabled is overtly sexual in the way being gay is overtly sexual in the way being trans is overtly sexual, in that none of them are but none of them aren't, either, in the right contexts or the wrong ones. People are going to see you exist and come to their own conclusions about how wrong you must feel in existing, and they will be made uncomfortable by that perception, and they will want to fix you. You have to accept that or you have to be uncomfortable right back. There's not really a third option that keeps you alive. This is all connected to the art, because the art is also inherently sexual, for approximately the same reasons.

So the tldr is "op is it weird if I think this is hot" is both the intended response and yes, it is weird, and you have to sit with the fact that both of those are true and you have to be normal about it for the rest of your life forever, and also you should take that knowledge and get weirder about it. It's a complex system. I also may have described none of it. Good luck.

[blooming-cecilia]

thinking about cult au, wherein they discover that their beloved creator has disabilities and so of course, everyone gladly accomodates and provides them what they need and more

idk if wheelchairs are a thing in teyvat but whether or not they aren't, they'll make a more special one just for you

you could describe the concept of a wheelchair to them if they don't know, or you could also describe the kinds of wheelchairs we have in our world, like those ones that could be controlled by a joystick

i feel like they could make one of those with machines easy but again they want it to be ✨ special ✨ and more fitting of your status, so what do they do?

make a floating chair out of some plaustrite (the material used to make the jade chamber float) and, like the jade chamber, implement some sort of controls for it to allow you to move it wherever you want, and also control the elevation: if you wanted it to float higher or stay close to the ground

it'd be really useful if you wanted to get up a flight of stairs or maybe just reach something from the top of the cabinets and didn't have anyone to help

alternatively, if you did have access to elemental abilities or any otherwordly powers as the god of this world, you'd probably have no problem controlling it without those controls

just. floating chair like in sci-fi movies but except it's fancy and made with magic rock LOL

i can also imagine the fact that their creator is disabled will also encourage accessibility for the pwd's and senior citizens, bc honestly have you SEEN the amount of stairs in mond and liyue. not everyone can have a fancy floating magic rock chair

mond has so many stairs, especially the way up to the church?? i'd get tired climbing all the way up there, what more for seniors and pwd's?? they don't even have ramps TT

liyue also has lots of stairs, and even the way to the pharmacy is a bit of a climb

and i guess liyue does have some ramps? but they're a bit too steep to actually. pass through i think

on another note, i also wonder if there are options for prosthetics in teyvat?

like, it wouldn't seem like such a stretch considering they have all of these robots and that people still actively research it

some of the human enemies seem to have robotic arms/enhancements for combat and as armor too

but part of me wonders if they have just simple prosthetics just for everyday use

and also, if disabled people with visions are able to use those visions on themselves

i'm thinking of like... people with dendro visions with twisted vines and branches for missing limbs

maybe cryo can be used to sculpt a limb, and maybe it can be moved in a similar way these sculptures do?

and i wonder if people with visions can make prosthetics with elemental abilities For others, and only have to come back to the maker for maintenance or to somehow replenish the elemental energy in these prosthetics?

anyway yeah, just me thinking about disabilities in teyvat + using elemental abilities for things other than combat

if anyone has any thoughts to share about it i'd love to hear them!! i just think it'd be interesting to think about :]

(and if i did get something wrong, please tell me! admittedly i don't know a lot about disabilities other than what i've seen with a relative of mine so do forgive me and [politely] correct me 🙏)

[violentviolette]

ASPD diagnosis anon again.

Thank for responding, I really appreciate it.

You mentioned your bipolar diagnosis affecting your rights/freedoms, what did you mean by that? I ask because personally, I have lots of things i need to address, and process, but therapy as a whole just seems like a massive risk. I'm not asking for a "do this/dont do this," I guess, but more of your perspective and experiences.

Thanks again, just let me know if it's too personal. :)

so in the us at least, it can affect a lot. bipolar disorder is considered a legal disability tho and is protected under the ADA so some of these things u can fight, while others u cant

things like workplace or educational discrimination for example, both are required to provide accomodation for bipolar individuals, but them knowing ur diagnosis at all puts u at risk for discrimination. i know most places wont hire u if they know that upfront, and in some fields (like medical, govt work, ect) outright state that u cannot have a mental health diagnosis like bipd in their field and they straight up will not even consider hiring u

it can affect ur ability to get or renew a drivers liscence, especially specialty liscences like CDL's and motorcycle

it greatly affects ur medical treatment overall. ive had problems with some dr's not taking me seriously because they see i have a bipd dx. i had a bone tumor the size of a baseball in my shoulder for years and when i told dr's it felt like i couldnt breathe and that something was pushing my shoulder out they dismissed me as being a hypochonriac and told me to talk to my therapist. i also need to make a point to appear put together when i see certain dr's or else they take it as a sign im declining mentally

were often at an increased risk for involuntary hospitalizations, especially if healthcare workers believe u to be manic or having an episode. this leaves us more vulnerable to things like guardianships/conservatorships. it is much more likely for judges to rule against us in cases where someone is challenging our legal rights or trying to gain prolonged control. this can be especially dangerous for people in abusive relationships or with abusive parents.

it also counts negatively against us in family court proceedings. judges are much less likely to side with a bipolar parent in custody cases and it's much easier for partners, family members, and the state to seize control over ur children

we also cant buy or legally carry any kind of firearm or other weapons. even knives that are legal to carry for others can become issues for us if the law becomes involved. we're much more likely to be given harsher punishment and prison sentences, and more likely to be mistreated in police custody

overall tho it's about weighing the pro's and cons for u personally. for me with my bipolar, i Need medication or i will go insane and kill myself and so i really had no choice there. u need a diagnosis to access bipolar meds consistently, wheras with something like aspd, u dont need a diagnosis to access treatment so it was easy to keep that one off the books

generally tho, unless ur out here telling ur therapist ur about to shoot up the grocery store or kill ur dog or throw urself infront of traffic, getting hospitalized when ur just seeking average talk therapy is fairly unlikely. hospitals are overfull and the mental health system is way overworked and understaffed and most places dont want to fight with insurances that dont want to cover stays. so u do generally have to be saying some extream things to risk being coded currently, at least in my experience. ive been held for 24hr stays before, but never longer than that. they almost always dont have a bed and so unless ur really losing ur shit infront of them they dont want to have to keep u.

also if u seek out dbt centered therapy and resources they tend to be better about handling hearing the nasty symptoms without getting too nervous. things like issues with empathy and anger management are much more common for patients seeking dbt. it also helps if u tell them these things upfront. this makes u appear more self aware and in control, which works in ur favor and makes it less likely they'll view u as an active threat to urself or others. but it really just comes down to what ur looking for personally

[cripple-culture-is]

Hi, I have a question. No pressure if you don't feel comfortable answering. But I've been experiencing chronic pain for quite a while now and I'm not legally considered disabled. I was just wondering what the parameters were to identify as disabled. Like, if I don't have any diagnoses can I still identify as disabled? Or not?

Hi! No, it's no problem at all.

The main question here would be, how much would you say your chronic pain affects your life? You don't inherently have to be legally considered disabled in order to actually be disabled. It does help immensely though, as it does mean you are protected by the ADA (if it's enforced, of course, that's a whole can of worms). However, what many people don't realize is that you don't suddenly become disabled when you are legally considered disabled. You were disabled before, you were just PROVEN disabled in the eyes of your doctor and the government.

So for me, my chronic pain affected me so much as a child that I couldn't walk for long periods. I couldn't take many steps without my feet, ankles, and knees burning. Because of this issue, my parents spoke to my pediatrician, and that conversation led to me getting a doctor's note for a permanent disability placard and plates. But I was technically already disabled before then. Because if I wasn't, the placard and plates--the legalities--wouldn't have even been considered in the first place.

If your chronic pain affects your day to day life and impairs your ability to do certain things, some of which that might be considered things non-disabled people can do, then you are disabled.

Whether the government recognizes it or not. I'm not technically disabled in the eyes of the SSI/SSDI. I've never applied for benefits, nor do I want them/need them. But to my doctor and the government as far as accommodations go, I am disabled. Permanently. I always will be physically disabled.

But I didn't suddenly become physically disabled when I got my doctor's note, nor when I got my placard and plates. I was disabled before that. I became physically disabled when my symptoms impacted my ability to live my life like other people did. I became physically disabled when I couldn't walk for as long as other children and other people. THAT'S when I became disabled. NOT when my pediatrician and local DMV said "yes, you can have these accomodations". And honestly, I could've probably been considered legally disabled when I was younger than when I got my plates as I couldn't walk when most kids are able to.

This is the same for diagnoses. I didn't SUDDENLY have arthritis when I was diagnosed at 9 months. I had it before that point, at the latest 4 months. You don't suddenly have a condition just because you're diagnosed with it. You had that condition before. You were just PROVEN to have that condition. Does that make sense?

As for the diagnoses part, I'd say yes. If we gatekeep physical disability to only those who are diagnosed, it puts up barriers to those who have not received a diagnosis due to possible discrimination. People of color often face barriers when getting diagnosed. And medical gaslighting is very real and may affect someone's ability to be diagnosed. Now yes, it does lead to issues with those who DO fake disabilities. But fakers are rarer than actual disabled people.

If your chronic pain affects your ability to function on a daily basis or often enough to be a problem, then yes, you are disabled. However, without knowing you, I cannot officially "diagnose" you as being disabled.

That's something you'd have to judge for yourself and really research. But the fact that you're even asking if your chronic pain would count as a disability already tells me that your chronic pain affects you to the point of you questioning if you're disabled.

I hope this helps!

[sgkjd]

it's so annoying and also feels deeply disrespectful and makes me angry how ppl will treat me like someone who they're doing charity work for? when i didn't even ask for any help in the first place.

and it's a repeated pattern here. ppl will have some idea in their heads of "what is good/useful/helpful to me" and will act on it without first learning my actual needs or just asking "hey, i think this can be good for you, mind if i helped you?". but when i myself tell them about my needs or (dis)abilities, they will ignore it? just brush it off like any other sentence coming from my mouth about today's weather or something. they get fixated on trying to "save" me, let me "know better" that they miss when i actually ask for help/accomodations.

it makes me so angry. but i'm understanding lately that actually i have nothing to do with this. ppl acting like this isn't really about me. and if it doesn't do me a disservice or doesn't make me uncomfortable i can play into letting them feel like "saviors", it doesn't hurt me. i'm learning that not only i'm not responsible for the unpleasant emotions others feel, i'm also not responsible for these "hero complexes" i seem to bring out in ppl – i don't have to allow help from ppl who treat me like a victim they're saving from some mysterious antagonistic force, or i can accept their help if it was something i didn't necessarily need but it's not too bad and i won't feel indebted to them despite it. since the help was never my idea. but yeah i guess thanks. it's nice, appreciate it. but that's where it ends. i'm not gonna ruminate on how it feels like they're looking down on me.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

is everyone just... selfish? i've been trying to urge my friends to use my preferred pronouns and it backfires every time. am i expecting too much? it feels like they arent even trying. they're all cis so they'll never know what its like and i feel so alone.

(i may or may not have blocked all of them and deactivated the rest of my social media and made a playlist with people, set me free and dear my friend on loop)

(edited with follow up) Get new friends.

I'm serious. It is not that hard. You are not expecting too much. There's a difference between accidentally forgetting and being a disrespectful idiot. Cis or not, friends will take steps to remember and make the change.

If someone tells you their pronouns changed, do so promptly and without question. It took them a lot to even tell you in the first place. It's not your business what their reasons are. Doesn't matter what they look like currently or how they present themselves. Correct yourself when you make a mistake and when they correct you, apologize and remember for next time.

-

follow up:

right??? i tried talking to one of them and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what the actual shit is wrong with them? i told them my pronouns weren't on there for like,,, fun and that i needed people to use them. and THEY LITERALLY SAID I DONT NEED PEOPLE TO ACCEPT ME??

I MEAN YALL ARE NOT JUST ANY EPOPLE???? U GUYS ARE MY friends ??

F

R

I

E

N

D

S

NOT strangers NOT someone on the fucking street.

i mean if u WANTED to excuse ur ability to not accomodate, you couldve jsut told me on the face bestie i wouldve not minded honesty.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you don't need people to accept you? Oh, okay, so what if you started referring to all of them as fuckin' donkeys, and that's honestly being mean to the donkey in doing so, like shit

(I know it's childish but what in the actual FUCK)

Yeah, get new friends, these people are trash and they most certainly are NOT your friends for saying such careless, foolish things.

-

and another one! XD

considering i was abt to do stupid shit to myself when i saw the friends messages, u made me LAUGH LMAO THANK YOUU i thought i was being crazy there for a second but NO THEYRE ACTUALLY JUST NOT GOOD thank you ur awesome

You are certainly not crazy, absolutely ridiculous for someone to think they can be your friend and say something like, "you don't need people to accept you" when all it is is simply using a different word to refer to you.

That's it.

Is that so difficult?

???

[lorei-writes]

Match-Up #29

Hello, @spoopy-fish-writes​​ ! You chose left, so your match-up goes first, ha! Nobody expected a match-up like so, it’s... Like a Spanish Inquisition meme?

[Lorei from the future: This had some plot twists, huh].

Whew, where do I even begin!

Being a quick learner and overall, adapting to new situations well would be especially appreciated by more so lively and adventurous warlords, I suppose. Their partner would, in my opinion, downright need to have this quality, for the safety of the both of them... Or well, it would at the very least be preferable. Oh, yes, let’s not forget about warlords who have kidnapped their lover at least once. You know, it happens.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1) Shingen (+1)

Smart, ha! A treat for those who do enjoy a nice chat. I think it would be especially appreciated by warlords who enjoy to be intellectually stimulated more so than others.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

Confident in your abilities, but not so much in yourself? Hmm... I suppose it is a good tool against over-confidence, something that could be well-prised by warlords living more so on the edge of things, always needing to make sure their next move won’t bring doom upon them. I think it could be taken as a sign of being reasonable? Some also could understand it quite well, hmm...

Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Shingen (+1)

Let’s consider the last two points together - being good at keeping your emotions in check and being loyal, trustworthy. The first one would be most likely equally appreciated by all, but in combination with the latter... I think it could have a particularly soothing effect? Hmm... I’d look towards those who were betrayed once and struggle to trust again. I reckon they’d truly see the worth of such a quality. Perhaps also those who need to know they can fully believe somebody?

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Ieyasu (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1) Shingen (+1)

Oh, okay, a purge shall begin. Let’s start with can’t take care of yourself (please, drink some water before reading the remaining parts of the match-up) + little sense of self preservation.

Mitsuhide (+4) <- he can’t do that either. Too similar. Mitsunari (+2) <- he needs somebody to help him with the very same issue, so although he isn’t doing this willingly (...unlike Mitsuhide, since there is quite a difference in their approach...), it’s a no-no

In contrast to that, there are certain suitors who do remind their lover to take better care of themselves.

Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (+1) Kenshin (+1)

Lacking empathy at times and struggling to connect... Well, I could see it as quite a problematic thing when dealing with tsundere-type characters. If there is some conflict, it generally can be resolved if at least one part has some insight on feelings. (Which, by the way, will set Kenshin and Nobunaga here - Kenshin drowns in his own feelings. Nobunaga? He is completely detached).

Nobunaga (-1) Ieyasu (-1) Yukimura (-1)

You... You put being impulsive in the flaws category, so I suppose you would not want for that to be amplified. Well, we all know what warlord I will need to boink over his head for doing just that, now, don’t we? Hmm... Perhaps warlords who could serve as a bit of safety brake could be a good choice?

Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (-1) Kenshin (+1) Shingen (+1)

Holding grudges, being petty... Hmm... I think that perhaps a certain overzealous mother hen could trigger that quality. Perhaps a certain deceitful “I will lie to you” person too.

Hideyoshi (-1) Shingen (-1)

1st Summary:

Shingen (+4) Kenshin (+4) Hideyoshi (+3) Masamune (+3) Nobunaga (+2)

Points distributed for likes:

Nobunaga (+1) <- (+2) music, baking; (-1) animals (the hunting scene in his route) Ieyasu (+1) <- animals (all of them have some, but he did treat Wasabi) Masamune (+2) <- art, baking Shingen (+1) <- baking

Points distributed for dislikes:

Nobunaga (-1) <- he loves sugar, there may be a bit of around (technically you can pick stuff separately, but sometimes you may have to compromise and that’s not his strong side) Hideyoshi (-1) <- deadlines Ieyasu (+1) <- dislike for anything annoying (repetitive noises included) Shingen (-1) <- overly sweet food

2nd Summary:

Masamune (+5) Shingen (+4) Kenshin (+4) Hideyoshi (+2) Ieyasu (+2) Nobunaga (+2)

Only characters with positive value by their names will be considered in the final stages of the match-up. 

Hideyoshi (+2) - he has a habit of micro-managing others to a degree, so he may feel restrictive Kenshin (+4) - he is controlling at first. Surely, it changes later on in the route, but this being the dealbreaker... It would most likely prevent the relationship from ever starting. Nobunaga (+2) - he isn’t exactly keen on waiting at the beginning

Ieyasu (-1) <- he sometimes tells others not to do something and may appear patronising

Being unable to blush sounds quite lovely, honestly, although the underlying issue is not so nice. Let’s unite in the weird blood flow club, my blood pressure is sometimes so low the thing used to measuring it can’t detect it, haha. Maybe it’s a bit old too.

No points were distributed for wild cards.

Ahh, luckily, Nobunaga didn’t make it this far, haha.

Yes, yes! And now, the verdict time is upon you...

Final Ranking

Masamune (+5) Shingen (+4) Ieyasu (+1)

Masamune

Confessed first: Masamune. That being said, you were the one to explain to him how you define and perceive love, and it did take him a moment to wrap his head around the concept and understand it. Only then did he confess.

Makes tea in the morning: Masamune, unless he has just returned to the estate and, well, isn’t exactly in the shape to do that.

Hogs blankets at night: You. He’s like an oven, he won’t complain about this too much - but he will use it as a blackmail material later on and tease you lots.

Is the little spoon: Depends on how harsh the day was on each of you.

Possible points for conflict: Well, both of you have your own issues, neither being capable of taking good care of yourself. It may happen sometimes that, each equally exhausted, you will argue over who needs to rest. Other than that... He is not the most fluent in regards to his feelings, but he does get a grasp on them a little sooner than you. He is learning to slow down and accomodate for you better, but he does slip sometimes, even if just sometimes.

Free time ideas: Cooking lessons (+ baking together), playing with Shogetsu, re-organising the display of your art, going on a stroll, without any sense of direction, and just enjoying life.

Favourite date spot: Any place, as long as you can destress for a moment. He’s particularly found of locations when he can let his guard down for a moment.

A secret you share: He’s actually a worse baker than you and you’ve scolded him quite a lot when you first entered the kitchen together. Usually, he wouldn’t mind, but this experience... It did humble him a lot, his face having bloomed in a fashionable shade of tomato-red.

His favourite thing about you: Just one? He couldn’t pick even if he wanted. It’s just that... This “favourite” thing is everything, because of how it all comes together. He loves how reasonable you can stay, but also how this reason stops where trust and loyalty begins. He loves seeing your art, how passionate and knowledgeable you are - it is as if... There was always something to surprise him? Ah, and let’s not forget to your inability to blush - it is quite amusing when you’re so cutely embarrassed and yet, don’t look so at all. If he ever managed to get your face to heat up, he will take it as a point of pride.

His message to you: “You always amaze me, lass. Loyalty for loyalty, what do you say? I promise never to betray you or your trust... And not to limit you nor your desires.” “Huh? What do you mean why? Because you’re the most beautiful when you are yourself, of course.”

[elindae-writes]

Ok, this is all about your headcanons. Is Starscream the oldest/youngest/middle member of his trine? Did he get his trine before or after losing Skyfire? During his time in the Decepticons? How did he meet his trinemates? Was there a cool ceremony? Just tell me everything about Seekers! (Without major spoilers, of course.)

He’s the youngest and he trined Skywarp and Thundercracker after he lost Skyfire and also after he first met Megatron. So they were officially in a trine before they joined the Decepticons. He convinced them to join the ‘Cons and without spoiling too much now bitterly regrets roping them into joining Megatron.

The scenes in which he meets the boys and trines them are going to appear later on, maybe during the Orion Pax arc, so I don’t want to spoil those, but I will gladly indulge your request for cool Seeker facts.

Seekers think in three dimensions and not two due to them being flyers and always having to ascend/descend. This is part of the reason they are so claustrophobic, it’s because they are highly attuned to sensing what’s above them at all times and are therefore hyperaware of when the ceiling is too low.

In Seekercant the word for “grounder” is just “taxi-er” because whenever airplanes are about to take off they taxi around first, so Seekers basically just see grounders as wingless bots who taxi everywhere without taking off.

Seekers are unusual in that they see their alt-modes as their true natural forms and think of their bipedal root-modes as their actual alternate modes. This is weird even by flyer standards.

Seekers used to go on giant migrations. I haven’t entirely thought this out because I’m not sure where they’d actually migrate to--maybe they’d just all instinctively fly up and around Vos without leaving the city, or maybe they’d go off and visit ancient older nesting sites built by ancient Seekers. Either way I just like the imagery of thousands of Seekers blackening the skies with their numbers and then the sad image of Starscream trying to complete a grand Seeker migration all by himself because there is no one else left. But someone still needs to follow the ancient winds, so it’s gotta be him.

Starscream is tiny by Seeker standards and Dreadwing and Skyquake are actually more average-sized. It’s also my headcanon his RID frame used to be his old frame, so when Megs downsized him he got fussy about it because he genuinely felt like a bit of his Seeker heritage got taken away.

There were a bunch of different towers in Vos and they all had their own slightly different cultures. Seekers from one tower would whistle and chirp in Seekercant in slightly different tones than Seekers from another tower, like the way whales from different pods have their own unique dialects. Starscream’s fellow Seekers from his tower were infamous for speaking real fancy-like, I don’t know why but I just picture them as speaking in weirdly complex, vague, and mystical ways like the elves from the Lord of the Rings. Despite there being hundreds of different dialects each Seeker is capable of instinctively recognizing the dialect you’re speaking and can just tell what tower you’re from. There was also a Seeker equivalent of Australia somewhere in Vos and it was completely full of weird and intense Cybertronian animals, it was just like that one weird tower where all of the odd little drones and robots ended up. I just like the idea of Vosian Australian memes.

Starscream was from a really high-ranking family, aka the equivalent of Seeker nobility, and was maybe in line to become or at the very least is closely related to the Winglord. That’s why it was such a scandal when he got the heck out of Dodge and decided to abandon his proud noble military family so that he could go blow stuff up in a lab in Iacon.

Shuttles have their own culture, but are weirdly symbiotic with Seekers. I just like the imagery of throngs of tiny Seekers who wandered around their towers with the occasional giant shuttle just lumbering through. Shuttles adopted Seekers and vice versa. Seekers were extremely touchy about whoever adopts baby Seekerlings and shuttles were the only non-Seekers who were allowed to adopt them. When Starscream moved out of Vos and got himself a roommate in Iacon his family was like “who?? who is dwelling with you, I refuse to allow you to have a non-Seeker roommate, we’d much rather have you dwell alone then dirty yourself by living with an Iaconian--”

And then Starscream just sent over a picture of Skyfire and then his family just said  “we will make an exception for him because he looks very polite”

Seekers were infamous across Cybertronian for being--I’m not sure if this is the right word--cryptids? They hate using doors, so if you’re a grounder and your Seeker buddy is bopping by for a visit you’ll just hear a soft tap tap tap by your window and you’dlllook over and see your winged friend waiting for you to open it up and maybe you’d shout something along the lines of “THE DOOR WORKS FINE”

And then your Seeker friend would just flare his wings and get all offended and it would be a whole thing--

Seekers very rarely make non-Seeker friends, but when they do they tend to make friendships for life. That is not foreshadowing, no, not at all. Non-fliers back on Cybertron would even leave their windows unlocked for their Seeker friends--even though the door would work just fine.

Another weird thing about Seekers is that they hate it when people actually see them entering or exiting a room. You’ll just turn around and a Seeker will be there, and then suddenly they won’t be, hence their cryptic reputation around Cybertron. They are infamous for being overdramatic and theatrical, but they just think of everybody else as being underdramatic.

They have no concept of personal space when in bipedal mode. When flying they normally have to fly wide apart in order to avoid collisions (military trines or just trines that are really in-synch are the exception, they normally flew only a few inches apart) so when in bipedal mode they make up for the lack of physical contact during flying by skooching up real close to each other when back on the ground. Seekers are very very good at forming neat and orderly lines. They have a tendency to sandwich confused and surprised grounders who are shocked to have their personal space so suddenly taken up by a bunch of pairs of wings.

Back when Vos was intact there was a big debate going on as to the proper way to teach your Seekerling to fly. There were two schools of thought:

Send your Seekerling to a school with safety nets and attentive instructors and teach the Seekerlings to just hover, then ascend three feet off the ground, then five feet, and then so on.

Or just chuck your Seekerling out of a tower 10,000 feet in the air while shouting “fLAP” and then just hoping for the best. That was how Starscream was taught. It’s also how he taught Eradicons to fly. He’d have them walk up to the edge, he’d go behind and just give them a good kick, and then shout “THIS IS THE VOSIAN WAY”

And then they’d return to the deck of the Nemesis, cold and shaking, and ask “why?”

And then Starscream would whisper back even more gently “it’s  t r a d i t i o n”

Whenever Seekerlings were really really tiny, as in only a few weeks or months old, the adult Seekers would transform, then also have their Seekerling transform into a very smol plane, and then they would secure the Seekerling to their back before taking flight. It’s like when that Boeing jet carried space shuttle Endeavour around, but much cuter. Seekers carried their newsparks around on their backs between their wings and their wings would widen in order to create more room. You can actually tell if a Seeker has tended to newsparks by just looking at their back. Starscream babysitted a lot, so he has this modification. I just like the idea of Seekers walking around like possums with like six Seekerlings on their back, they gotta make room, it’s the only way I could think of to accomodate all the kiddos

Seekerlings are like newborn horses. They can get up and run--or in their case, transform and fly--right after being sparked. The moment their systems go online they then immediately fly off and crash somewhere. Seekerling caretakers had it rough.

Seekers had potlucks. Their systems require very fine and refined energon, so they are very good at tasting subtle flavors. In other words, Vos was home to the Cybertronian version of professional chefs. Their energon was famous for being gourmet and it would be served in fine-dining restaurants throughout the rest of Cybertron. But back in Vos they’d just casually serve each other what was essentially gourmet energon during potlucks like it was no big deal. Like imagine going to the neighbor’s potluck and they’re all eating caviar.

Seekers instinctively cluster around each other in multiples of three. Three’s a very a lucky number in their culture and they had a base-six counting system.

Trinebonds are mostly just full of a very intense and platonic brother love, but there were some trines in which you’d have two Seekers adopt a more parental role towards the third, and in some other trines there would be more romance involved, but for the most part they were just bros through and through.

When a Seeker dies the other two feel an agonizing pain, but will eventually re-trine with a new third in an attempt to feel whole again. Seekers who lose both trinemates will tend to have a full-on mental breakdown and will get so stressed that their spark will actually begin to flare erratically, which unfortunately prevents them from re-trining. Seekers who lost both trinemates and yet who managed to pull through the pain and trine again were treated with great respect.

Trined Seekers are capable of sensing what kind of vague mood their two buddies are feeling at any given time. They can detect when their trinemates are in root-mode or alt-mode or when they’re healthy or sick. Seekers will lose the ability to sense their trinebonds when there’s too much distance between them or whenever their trinemates go into a deep coma-like stasis that slows their spark down.

All of the Seekers in a tower would be almost always all distantly related. The Seekers who lived beneath you were your distant cousins on one side of your family and the Seekers who lived above you were your even more distant cousins but like 53 times removed, but still family and therefore still invited to the family potluck!! They’re all like hobbits in that they are obsessed with genealogy and will gladly talk about it for hours on end. Seekers will greet each other by explaining their genealogy. This really confuses grounders.

Some random grounder: “Oh, hi, how are you?”

Starscream, probably: “I AM STARSCREAM SON OF STARFLIGHT SON OF SKYECHO SON OF AIRHALO SON OF SWIFTWING--”

The poor grounder: *softly* “What the fuck”

If you don’t interrupt the Seeker then they will just keep recounting their genealogy on the assumption that you are actually intrigued. This can go for hours. Seekers are mortified when they learn that grounders do not know the names, personalities, likes, dislikes, and favorite childhood snacks of their distant great-great-great-great-great grandfathers.

Orphaned Seekers who didn’t know their genealogy had multiple options: get adopted, then just list off the adopted family’s bloodline, or if they didn’t get adopted then they’d just list off the names of Vos’s mythological heroes and figures, or maybe even just claim Primus as their ancestor (which isn’t even wrong.) This is kind of like how people in ancient times claimed to be descended from gods. The human equivalent of this would be some dude walking up to you and saying “I am Bob, son of Zeus!”

Some Seeker towers had certain naming conventions. Like you’d have one tower full of Seekers who are all named after cloud formations, and another tower full of Seekers named after noises, like “whistle” or “blast,” and you guessed it--maybe even “scream.”

To be honest I’m not sure if I want Starscream to be a very common or very rare name. Vos was made up of ancient warring clans that all united under the first Winglord (he/she took Vos under their “wing” hence the title) and maybe they could’ve been named Starscream? In most human societies everybody and their neighbor always would want to name their kiddos after the current ruler, but in Vos maybe it was very rare and very bold of Seekers to name their child after the current ruler because it would be seen as an attempt to snatch up that ruler’s glory. So to name your Seekerling Starscream would be the Vosian equivalent of naming your son Gaius Julius Caesar. He’s an intense bot so it makes sense that he’d also have a very intense name.

But then again I also like the idea of the Autobots just thinking of Starscream’s name as being weird and rich and odd and  e x o t i c  but then finding out it’s the Vosian equivalent of John Smith and that there were eight Starscreams on any block at any given time.

Maybe Seekers would change their name whenever they have a big event happen to them, like a trining for example. I think a culture obsessed around airflow would be fine with people changing aspects of their identity like that because then you’re being like the wind, flowing and changing with the same wind that carries you. It’s also my headcanon that this is why Seekers change their frames a lot more. Your frame isn’t you, it contains you, and if you change then it would be really weird not to change the way you look too. 

Despite being really lax about some things Seekers can be very very strict and traditional about other things, such as etiquette. If you’re meeting a new Seeker for the first time and you rotate your wings 70 degrees clockwise that means “may the skies of the holy 70th tower of Vos bless you” but if you rotate your wings anti-clockwise it means “I curse your grandfather!” And then Starscream would just gasp in horror and then shout “DO NOT BESMIRCH THE MEMORY OF SKYECHO”

Some Seeker names were common--like, too common. There were a few thousand Skyechoes, Windblasts, and Driftwings who drifted around at any given moment. This made role-call in school very painful. Some caretakers would try to be edgy about it. “Oh, my son isn’t named Driftwing, he’s named Dreadwing!”

Seekers cremated their dead but in the most intense way possible. They took their dead up and just let them burn up in the atmosphere so that they can become one with the sky. This resulted in some pretty spectacular meteor showers.

Same random grounder: “What a beautiful shooting star!”

Starscream, casually: “Oh, that’s my grandpa, SKYECHO SON OF AIRHALO SON OF SWIFTWING--”

Same unfortunate grounder: “wHAT--”

Seekers make noises all the time and are very rarely silent. They hum when content, beep when excited, chirp when riled up, rumble when confused, trill when happy, and so on. Starscream used to be a chatterbox but was forced to repress his chitterings because Megatron would always tell him to shut up. He’s going to trill more and more throughout Unburied, especially around Optimus.

Seeker towers were infamous for their weird architecture. They weren’t designed to ever be wandered around in while in your bipedal mode. No staircases, period. Just extremely tall ceilings and arches with curved corridors everybody flew through with lots of balconies you could land on. There were lots of holes in the wall that they could fly through that led to actual rooms where they would transform and be bipedal (berthrooms, washracks, etc) but then after they slept/ate/partied they were just like “that was fun guys, gotta go” and then just flung themselves out of a hole in the wall over a 1,000 foot drop and then just transformed in midair and flew off. Grounders couldn’t visit the towers due to there being no grounder-friendly infrastructure. Special buildings had to be built near the ground to help accommodate visiting grounders, but you only ever really saw these kinds of grounder-friendly accommodations in towers meant to receive diplomats.

They had bathhouses in their towers, like the ancient Romans but with robots instead of old dudes in togas. Just giant birdbaths basically. Just lots and lots of splashing and chittering.

Seekers preen themselves, their circuitry is delicate and even the slightest of contaminants can cause big problems. That’s why they have such sharp talons---for getting in the small spots. And for stabbing people. That’s a nice bonus, too. They preen each other all the time. There were some regions on their wings that could be preened by anybody, but some other parts of the wings that could only be preened by close friends such as trinemates. So the outer planes of the wing could be preened by just a general buddy, but the actual area where they connect to the back? That’s trinemate-only territory right there. It’s not a sexual thing, just a cultural taboo they had.

When Dreadwing makes his grand debut I think I might have a scene in which him and Starscream are preening each other while angrily bickering, not because they actually like each other, but just because they’re the only Seekers around and Starscream’s had a rock stuck in his wing seam and slag it, Dreadwing is the only bot who knows how to get it out--so it’d just be angry bird bickering and arguing preen time.

“You killed my brother!”

Starscream would then flutter angrily and say something like, “NO, BUMBLEBEE DID, STOP BLAMING ME--please get that rock out of my wing seam k thX--IT WAS THE SCOUT’S FAULT!”

And then Dreadwing would just be like, “Skyquake is dead, and it’s all YOUR FAULT--I also have a rather unfortunate rock located in my wing seam, can you remove that--and it’s because of your cowardice I am now brotherless!”

Seeker talons were actually retractable. Some Seekers would have their talons out literally all the time though, these were Seekers who were high-ranking in the military or who were just on some quest of personal revenge. After the war began they modified their talons to just always be sharp because you don’t want to accidentally retract them when in battle.

I am only just now realizing that this got kind of long, huh. I hope this wasn’t too much!! I might post more Seeker headcanons in the future.

[resinatingbeauty]

Real Talk Time #RTT - On Political Correctedness, Oppression, Freedom, and Segregation

I know I'm probably going to catch a lot of flak for this post because people won't actually read it. They'll pick out some tags, words, and phrases they dislike or are 'triggered' by and start typing a 15 page rant in the comments that, HEADS UP, I'm going to actively ignore so please don't waste your time and energy (ranting, that is).

Some of you may already know a bit of my back story growing up. I moved around a lot as a kid because of my father's job as a Field Technician for fishing tournaments working on outboards for the fishermen. While I rarely saw my grandparents and extended family (if at all, some of them I didn't physically meet until we moved back down to FL and re-settled in 2000), they were really the ones influencing my mother's decisions on how to handle issues and changes in me when I was growing up.

When those changes went from reading all the Bibles that were thrown at me since I was old enough to read to wanting to read the entire New Age section at Barnes & Noble, everyone got real weird. My parents were never religious and openly allowed me to explore my spirituality. The rest of my family was hyped up by the Satanic Panic of the 1990's. As my mother and I were together most of the time my father was away, we had it out often because of that oppression that was a result of my relatives breathing down her neck. I know now that my mother always meant well.

Unfortunately, everyone else had to die before I could actually be myself.

This caused profound depression as I grew into my teens, developed addictions, attempted to make friends that I couldn't have over because they didn't fit the mold which lead to more alienation and depression. I never understood why until I hit my twenties and already practically destroyed myself in the process. My parents and I have a good, even great, relationship now. The misunderstanding and confusion took several years, even decades, to overcome. I destroyed other relationships and myself in that process, doing things I am not proud of but do not regret, as these experiences made me the person I am today. Far more strong, confident, and fearless than I was before.

At the same time, I absolutely refuse to be oppressed. I will fight to the death for your freedom to express yourself even if I don't agree with anything you say or stand for. You are allowed to be you and I accept our differences. I'm not going to silence you because I don't like your presentation or fundamentals, nor am I going to attempt to change the way you speak or behave. It's really not my problem.

This response is directed toward anyone who is offended by someone's word choice when they had meant no offense.

Let me be simple. My friend was dating an asexual biological female who would change gender pronouns daily. On a whim. Whichever they felt like at any time. I can't keep up with that. I'm not naturally inclined to call you an 'it' or a 'they' either. I'll do my best to appease you and keep the peace, but YOU cannot expect others to change the way they speak, think, and behave because, well, because you did. That was your choice. If you would like people to respect this choice, then you should be tolerant of their choices in turn. This comes down to intent. I grew up speaking this way. Perhaps another generation of children will speak differently, but until that happens, my conscious effort to accomodate you should be evidence enough that I care enough to not say the wrong thing or hurt your feelings.

If I accidentally called them a 'he' on a 'she' day, they would get mad. It was my mistake. I really wasn't too invested in a relationship with this person either, I just tolerated them because my friend was in a relationship with them. I would apologize, but it was admittedly an ongoing problem that left me feeling actual relief when they broke up. That's a shame. Rather than having empathy for my best friend who was just dumped, I was relieved I didn't have to worry about which gender pronoun this person wanted me to use at any given time.

Don't misinterpret my words about choices, either. They may not have chosen their sexuality or preference (I don't think anyone does) but they DID choose their gender pronoun confliction. I understand that you may find 'she/her' offensive if your true self is really a 'him', but unfortunately, we don't have any other words to go with in English other than 'they' and I feel like I'm referring to someone with DID (dissociative identity disorder) when I say this as in you have multiple people living inside you, which to my knowledge, they did not.

Words are words. They mean nothing without a clear intent. The same logic can be applied to the now controversial term 'baby witch' in the New Age/Neo Pagan community. Ironically, I remember people who similarly hated the word 'witch' all together. Naturally, I wouldn't use that word to refer to them at all. But when you look at identity and labels, subgroups, denominations, etc. These terms serve to identify you as part of a collective. If you're new to the concept and practice of Witchcraft, then you may find the term 'baby witch' helpful, as these articles, kits, books, blogs, etc. Are catering to those who are new to The Craft and written / designed in a way that is typically easier to execute or understand.

While, some elitist butthole could use the word to insult you, I have yet to see this. The internet has invented this culture of politically correct oppression that asks for freedom of speech but only as deemed appropriate by the proponents and THAT is censorship. *hiss* BAD.

We will never be able to move beyond segregation and overt differences until we move beyond using terms like these to identify ourselves as part of a collective. While some may be derogatory and offensive, and some may hurt and were meant to hurt and cause anger, I believe it is your right to speak freely and your words aren't as important as the motives and intentions behind them. Who isn't guilty of a poor choice of words? Nobody. Will there always be someone there to point out that poor choice? Yup. But should we all tread egg shells around each other, worrying about what random term will offend whom today? No.

Let the word fascists and PC renegades spit on me and tell me I'm wrong. You are allowed to and I have tough skin. I will defend your ability to tell me I'm wrong until the day I die, but I will never defend oppression, no matter how well meaning you believe you are. The fantasy world of rainbows and unicorns you have in your mind may as well be a world where no one speaks at all out of fear.

I know what it felt like to be told for over ten years how to dress, act, talk, and behave. I could point out other historical examples of cultural oppression like slavery, but that's an entirely different discussion that will probably go in the same direction. Oppressing one's manner of expression is just wrong. In an effort to be right, we have committed so many wrongs. So let's just all agree to disagree and accept those differences. Accept that yea, we are going to say and do dumb things. And with that acceptance, when we inevitably say and do dumb things, I beg you to ask yourself, "What was the intent? What was the actual motive here, if there is one at all?"

I think one day, we may be better than we are now. This just isn't the way about it.

EDIT- I also think that a lot of this is created by pundits who are trying to covertly censor everyone without active censorship. Me? Paranoid? Yes. I am.

[grapefruitsketches]

Untamed Spring Fest - Day 9: Shower

A few months ago, the rain would have meant little to Mianmian - she would continue her usual activities inside instead of outside, but Carp Tower or whatever lavish accomodations the Jin clan had arranged for some journey would feel no more limiting than the outdoors when they were stuck inside its walls. She stood now under the leaky roof of a porch, shivering. She hoped someone was home, because if not, she would need to break in and she did not need that kind of hassle right now.

She had been on the road for a few months now, travelling from place to place, dealing with minor disturbances whereever she could. Sometimes, she would be paid when more wealthy families were being harassed by any variation of ghosts or demons, but most of the time, she didn’t ask for any money. How could she condition someone’s life and safety on their ability to pay her for skills she had no other use for anyway? Especially not now that she was starting to understand just how extravagant the Jin lifestyle was - and how difficult life was without the support of a clan with a seemingly bottomless wallet.

The first time she had been paid, instead of booking a room at an inn, like any reasonable person would have done, she had marched straight to the nearest market and purchased the first set of clothing that was anything but a shade of yellow or gold. She had given her old robes to the first person she had seen begging on the street - a woman whose eyes had lit up in shock at the extravagant fabric. She wanted nothing more to do with the Jin clan, with clan politics, but those robes had been warm, and, standing in this current storm, she hoped that the woman still had the robes, that someone was making use of them, that something good had come out of her life with the Jin clan.

Even this long after storming out of Carp Tower, thinking about the events of that day made her eyes well up in fury. What had happened to the clan she had loved? Why had Jin Zixuan - a man who only a few years before, had been the only one to challenge Wen Chao’s demands for their swords, been silent as she argued for reason to guide the clans’ decisions? What had happened to the friend who had defended her against the evil and sadistic attacks of Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao?

She knocked at the door again, and sank to the floor, exhausted. She had been sleeping only under trees or, on occasion, in a stranger’s spare room. Neither of these were exactly recipes for a relaxing night. She hadn’t realized how much safer she had felt in her previous life merely because she had always travelled in a group.

She was just contemplating whether it would be better to try and get in through a window or to break through a door when someone approached down the path.

He had an umbrella, and while Mianmian couldn’t see his face, she could hear a gentle, happy humming breaking through the patter of rain. As he turned onto the short path to the porch, he looked up. He was homely, and would certainly not have been made part of one of the entourages of the clan leader and heirs at Carp Tower. He would have been, at best, one of the foot soldiers - cultivators there to make up the numbers, but hardly suitable to impress. Mianmian’s hands curled into fists, one gripping her sword out of habit. She had to stop thinking like that.

Ever since she had left Carp Tower, she had increasingly realized that her previous clan had been missing something fundamental. Beauty, extravagance, and grace - those were nice, but she would not have met half the people she had had the joy of meeting had she followed those principles. She would not have won half her battles if she had valued doing so elegantly over doing so effectively.

The man had stopped humming. “Do we know each other?” He asked mildly. It wasn’t impolite, just, surprised.

His innocent confusion comforted her. This man was not a fighter, was not someone who even contemplated the possibility of someone showing up on his porch to do him harm.

She gave her most diplomatic smile, and rose to her feet, dusting off her pale pink robes, “No, I don’t think so,” she said, unsheathing her sword and clasping her hands together as she bowed, “I am Luo Qingyang of…” she paused, knowing how she now introduced herself, but still not used to it, “Lanling.” No longer of the Jin clan.

She watched the man blink, gaze travelling from her face, to her sword. His eyes widened. The sword was the only thing she had left from her life before. It was extravagant, clearly not something just any traveler would carry. It marked her as a cultivator - and, at that, probably one trained with a fairly prominent sect. That she didn’t introduce herself as part of any clan had raised suspicions against her more than once since she left.

She readied herself to defend her presence, to try and explain why someone who ought to be supported by a clan was begging for free room and board at a random country house.

She wondered whether it would have been better if Wei Wuxian hadn’t saved her from Wang Lingjiao all those years ago. She certainly would not have been invited to be in Jin Zixuan’s entourage after the Sunshot Campaign if she’d had such an ugly brand across her face. Someone else, perhaps the woman she’d once considered a friend, who had been so quick to turn on her as soon as Mianmian saw fit to challenge the majority, would have been at Jin Zixuan’s side instead. If Mianmian’s face had looked like that, perhaps she would not have faced so much skepticism when people learned she was traveling alone. Of course the Jin clan would turn away someone like that, they would think.

To her surprise, the man didn’t comment on the absurdity of the situation. He merely clasped his own hands together and bowed, “I am honoured, my lady. Please, come inside. It is far too miserable for anyone to be alone out here.”

Soon after, Mianmian was seated by a freshly stoked fire, being offered a cup of tea by this rather nervous man. She smiled, and accepted the cup graciously. She took a sip. It was rather weak, but she told him it was delicious. He seemed pleased.

“I was just able to get some of that tea on my most recent journey - it is a specialty of Yiling, very hard to get locally, but - I’m a merchant you know.” He explained beaming with pride. She took another sip and was now able to recognize the tea as exactly what he said, only it had been so inexpertly brewed that she never would have recognized it if he hadn’t told her. She nodded in agreement, embarrassed at herself for even internal criticism of his best efforts to make her feel welcome after she had landed on his doorstep.

The house had only one other door that she could see, and whether it led to a bedroom or a closet, she couldn’t tell. Perhaps her host slept on the blankets piled in the corner. She wondered if the other Jin cultivators of her generation would laugh to see her in such modest accommodations. She took another sip of tea and decided she didn’t care. It was warm, she and her host were slowly drying from their impromptu outdoor showers.

“Tell me about Yiling?” She asked politely. She had overheard gossip at an inn back when she was traveling through Yunmeng that Wei Wuxian had formed a small colony there, followed by a number of details she was sure were exaggerations. She hoped this was not the kind of thing that interested the merchant.

To her delight, he launched into deep descriptions of the environment, the food, the accents, the people. She found herself leaning across the table, lured in by his vivid descriptions of a world totally absent the politics and frivolities of the cultivation world. After a solid 5 minutes of this, and without her wanting it to end, he cut himself off, laughing a bit as he rubbed the back of his head.

“But what about you? I’m sure my little adventures must be terribly boring to someone of your upbringing? I’m sure it all sounds silly to you.”

Mianmian shook her head earnestly, “No. No it sounds wonderful.”

The minutes passed, and they shared stories. The hours passed and they shared histories. Mianmian left the next day but found herself coming back to visit again and again until she thought of the adorably awkward merchant’s tiny house as something of a base. Years passed, and she thought of it as a home.

One day, she had mentioned the concept of cultivation partners in passing. He had looked to her then and asked, “Is that what you want? To go on night hunts with someone by your side? To not be held back by a mere merchant? I don’t want to hold you back. Go if you want.”

“No!” she had said, laughing and offering a quick peck on the lips, “I would never want anything that meant I would have to be with anyone but you.”

“Oh… I meant… well” he blushed, “I would go with you, of course? I mean I wouldn’t be able to support you in battle,  but… I would go, I could even try other ways to make money! If you wanted me there, of course.”

Mianmian felt a smile stretch across her face, a smile far from elegant, a smile of pure, unmitigated joy, ungraceful in its genuineness. Such an expression, now familiar to her, would never have been possible in her old life, the one that now seemed a distant memory.

“Yes!” she breathed, “Yes, yes, yes. If you would come, if you would be there, if you don’t mind moving from dangerous place to dangerous place, of coming home only occasionally?”

He laughed, pulling her in close, “If I were traveling with you? As long as I am with you I will never be anywhere but home, safe and sound.”

Even though the cultivation world never spoke of her, and none would ever remember her name, she did not abandon her calling. She would never ignore the signs of a night hunt or cries for help. She traveled the world with her merchant, now her ex-merchant, now her husband, then soon a daughter as well. They would come into a village, leaving joy behind when they left, only seeming to grow their own in the process. It was a smaller world, a simpler world, than the one Mianmian had known in her youth, but ultimately, she thought, this one was far more noble, far more beautiful, than any major clan could ever hope to see.

[mossdotjpeg]

30 days of autism acceptance: April 13-15

yay, more catchup! April 12 got me kinda down and then i had a couple bad days and here we are.

April 13th: How much preparation and planning do you need before doing new things, or even for familiar things? Do you need to be totally prepared ahead of time or are you more comfortable with being spontaneous/just going for it? Does it vary for you depending on the thing or the day?

April 14th: What do you like about being autistic? 

April 15th: Do you work? If so, what is that like for you? Are you open about being autistic at work? Alternatively, how open are you about being autistic? Do you tell a lot of people? Or just a select few? How do people normally react when you tell them? If you don’t tell people, then why? 

13: I... don’t. do new things much. Without being prompted to do so. Occasionally I’ll poke my nose out of my comfort zone but mostly it’s my partner or my friends who drag me into it. It’s good for me but I’m Bad At New Things TM.

As for how prepared I need to be, I like to know, in general, what kind of day it’s gonna be. If it’s a “I go to work” day, or an “I laze around and write and play video games” day or an “I do errands” day, etc. I don’t necessarily need to know EXACTLY what i will do, for how long, and in what order, but I need to know the category of day. If I get bait and switch’d re: how much masking I’ll need to do, how much social energy I’ll need, how Dressed i have to be, etc, I tend to get Distressed.

While I’m often down for an impromptu gaming session with my closest friends, everything else I prefer to plan ahead- just a day in advance, so I can go into a day with a rough idea of how many internal resources I’ll need for it. If even a dear friend unexpectedly shows up on a ‘don’t need to talk’ day I will only spend a little while with them before retreating into my room.

14. Ah, we’ve come to the ones I Struggle with again. I like being me. I think I’m a decent sort and for the most part I like existing in my brain. But I’m still working on getting out of seeing autism as only “shit I do wrong”.

I like my understanding of the worth of people. I like the way i get into a vibe when I’m on my own and I can be dancing around while actually doing something incredibly dull. I love the *feeling* of singing, and the wonder of watching faceted beads spin and flash- now I understand that feeling is stimming, and I’d hate to not have those feelings. I like that I am me, and ‘me’ includes being autistic, but it’s still difficult for me to think of my own autism in a loving light.

15. Yeah, I work. It’s hard. In the last two years I’ve really struggled, changed jobs four times, and been unemployed for several months. I struggle to communicate with my coworkers, to get the accommodations I need, to manage my sensory issues, and to have any ability left to interact with the world after work.

I can’t become part of a workplace friend group- I don’t really want to, I have my friends, I want to get along with my coworkers but for the most part I am not really much like them. But it’s weird and awkward to be the odd one out, or to see them reaching out and not know how to react. I got fired last year from what had essentially been my dream job - a night shift, baking alone overnight - and I still don’t really get why.

I am nervous about being open about being autistic at work- I’m open about it in my social life, but I got fired VERY shortly after telling my supervisor I was autistic last year. So I tend to keep it on the DL, only bringing it up when I need an accomodation.

[ironicallynyas]

i am Thinking about how hard it is for me to force myself to do things, even if its something i know i need to do or something i actively want to do.

i am Thinking about how one of the only ways to make myself better about doing things (not even GOOD about doing things, just BETTER) is taking prescription meds that suppress my appetite so bad it sometimes causes me to feel unable to eat even if i know im starving.

i am Thinking about how when im off my meds im unable to plan or make myself act, but am able to suppress feelings of anxiety and stay happy, if complacent; but when i take my meds, like a biblical apple i am now capable of understanding the concept of The Future and am able to plan and take actions, but this also opens my mind to constantly worrying about the untold anxieties that The Future can hold.

i am Thinking about how when left to my own devices, i stagnate, but when put under pressure, i break.

i am Thinking about how i have struggled with this my whole life and have never significantly improved or made progress.

i am Thinking about how Intellectually, i try to tell myself that the societal messages ive heard all my life that tell me that i am a Broken and Defective Facsimile of a Human Being are wrong, and that im just simply Different in a way that an unjust society has failed to accommodate for.

i am Thinking about how Emotionally, i have absolutely internalized all of the societal messages ive heard all my life that tell me that i am a Broken and Defective Facsimile of a Human Being, and when i try to convince myself they are wrong, i often do not believe myself.

i am Thinking about how for my whole life i have avoided thinking about this stuff as much as possible because it Terrifies me, and often resort to escapism to avoid thinking about it, using videos, the internet, video games, books, at one point even origami, all to distract from these feelings of Dread.

i am Thinking about how in the dark moments between distractions, i sometimes feel like a Coward hiding and running away from their failure, and how i often feel like i am proving those thoughts right as i try to drown them out with more distractions and escapism.

i am thinking about how the idea of applying for a job both terrifies and disgusts me, and how my gut hyperbolic reaction is that i would rather die than work a 9-5, and am sobered as i remind myself that those two options are often the only two options this world will give.

i am Thinking how lonely i am, and on top of my social anxiety and a global pandemic being obstacles to finding a girlfriend, am burdened with the worry that i will never find someone willing to date an unemployed neurodivergent nonbinary mess like me.

i am Thinking about my sister, and the example i set for her, and how as much as i enjoy how close and similar we are, i cannot help but feel relieved about the ways she does not take after me, and feel a tinge of worry about the ways that she does.

i am Thinking about how lucky i am, with an mother who never stopped trying to understand and help me, and schools that while not perfect, were more understanding and accomodating than almost any school is likely to be, and i shudder at how much worse things would have been if i hadnt had as much support, and wonder if i would have even survived without them.

i am Thinking about how quickly my sense of gratitude turns to a subtle clawing sense of guilt, feeling like a burden on all those that i recognize as having done so much to support me.

i am Thinking about how im dreading my birthday this year because i will lose the ability to use my dads insurance and i have never had a job, and my years of inaction are finally catching up to me.

i am Thinking about how on some level i am Always Thinking about all of these things. i am Thinking about how much i Dont want to be Thinking about this, how i want to Hide and Distract myself because Thinking about all of this Hurts, its Terrifying, but no matter how much i hide it is all still there under the surface. i am Thinking about all of these things now, and i am typing these words, and my blood is feeling cold and my hands are trembling, as i feel like i approach some limit. i am looking at the words i have written, reading all of these things i am always Thinking about but am terrified to confront.

i am Thinking about all of these things

and i dont know what to do.

[cannot-decide-on-a-fandom]

This isn't even me talking about shipping or headcanons or anything, but I really just wanna appreciate how important Kageyama and Hinata are to each other

From Hinata's perspective, it's pretty obvious and there's just way too much to even cover.

But from Kageyama's, it's just such a pure type of importance.

Sure, in middle school, he definitely didn't go the right way about stuff regarding volleyball. I won't claim otherwise, he shouldn't have acted that way. However, he wasn't actually trying to be malicious or arrogant, he was brash but he complimented his teammates, things like telling Kunimi he knows he can be good if he tries. He went poorly about it, but he was just a kid, he was like 14. And his team, who definitely aren't completely faultless here either, only saw an egocentric, arrogant, self centred person who viewed himself above others, even though that wasn't really who he is. He was ostracized because of what was basically a lack of tact and it made him so terrified when he started acting like that with Karasuno again after so many months.

But Hinata was the first person in his entire life to actually tell him it's not innately a bad thing to be a king. Everyone before, no matter how well meaning, was telling him to stop in general, or to adjust things for his hitters as opposed to acting like if he sets the ball technically well then it's all automatically good. NOBODY ever tried to accommodate him properly, because of what was admittedly a somewhat unpleasant attitude to mistakes. It wasn't about compromise really. And while things got better at Karasuno, he was still the one left making sets easiest for the hitters to spike, but never having a chance at helping them become better. Unlike Oikawa, who specifically tried to be both accomodating, but also helping Kindaichi hit higher and allowing Kunimi to play his own style and actually smile during a game without yelling at them, he was left to believe the issue wasn't just his attitude, but his actual desire to make the team better, which was never the case.

The problem wasn't ever him being a "king", the problem was his handling and delivery of what he wanted everyone to do. That's specifically why Atsumu called him a Goody Two Shoes, because after middle school he thought that letting his own skills show to their full extent was bad, because nobody ever attempted to actually be the one to match him, it was always the other way around. Until Hinata.

The first person who was able to be completely honest with him in both positive and negative ways and genuinely understand what was going on was Hinata. He's so happy to yell at him if he needs to, but even among all the teasing and everything, he'd never actually blame him for attempting to use his abilities to improve everyone else's performances and no longer lowering his abilities for their sake, but rather attempting to raise theirs.

Not only that, but Hinata was also the first person to tell him the past doesn't matter. That he's in high school now, not middle school, so he can just focus on tossing to him well.

Everyone in the series always talks about how Hinata's on the court and improving just because he has someone like Kageyama, and while it definitely is something that helps him improve to have such a talented setter, and he absolutely did become better by working with him, we can't ignore that despite the difference in ability, Kageyama wouldn't be the same player without Hinata either.

[writingsoftheunderworld]

AU - yes! Time Travel - no?

Hope you guys enjoy this one! Find also on AO3 here 

Chapter 4

Katherine had been surprisingly easy to deal with, Rose noted, watching the 500 year old vampire menace whoosh past her and out of the house. They hadn’t spent long talking, mainly because she had kept Katherine at arms distance as much as possible and explained that she was there to help with Klaus. Rose figured hearing the hybrid’s name was a great trigger word to dealing with the woman so she utilised it to its capacity and it worked out pretty great, except now Katherine was off telling someone everything, including a plan she didn’t hear anything about and a witch she, and no one else either, had heard anything about. Rose felt she should be more worried than she was, but she was confident enough. She’s been here for a maximum of two hours now and she was flying by the seam of her pants and still she was able to gain allies and prove herself as competent. Her parents would be so proud… if they ignored everything else about this adventure. 

She headed upstairs to find a place to nap considering she was going on at least 20 hours of no sleep considering the finals she’d just finished before heading home and the party her parents had thrown the day she got there and her winding up here. But as she walked she passed by Damon’s room and remembered something a bit more important than her nap. The moonstone. She had to get the moonstone out of wherever the younger version of her dad hid it. Hopefully he still had horrible hiding places, like the back of the fridge when she was 15 and Christmas and none of the presents fit at all behind there, but she pretended not to notice even though her mom almost died laughing on the floor when both of them walked in on him ginning proudly while at least two boxes fell out. She wasn’t sure if this was her dad being overconfident or if he really genuinely thought that had been a brilliant idea. So she entered his bedroom and began looking at the most obvious places someone would hide a moonstone in. It took her a grand total of 30 minutes to find it in the soaps basket - which begged the question of why did her dad even have that, her mom always kept the soaps very nicely packaged and stashed in a small drawer in the closet space next to the bathroom back home. Still, she stowed the moonstone away, in her boot, and went back to finding an empty bedroom to nap. It was slightly uncomfortable walking with it, but it was luckily small enough to accomodate. Rose picked the first room she had never really gone into before and laid down on the bed. She was asleep in seconds.

 Damon was driving, hands loose on the wheel, leaned back in his seat, music coming through the radio as Bonnie turned it on low. There was quiet in the car, despite Jeremy seemingly in high energy, his left leg bouncing up and down, Bonnie seemed deep in thought as well despite her head nodding to the rhythm. He didn’t pay the music coming out of the speakers any mind, instead focused on the young woman in his house that just turned their plans inside out. He still wasn’t sure he believed her when she mentioned that he simply didn’t know all Bennetts’ out there, he paid too much attention to the continuation of their family to simply miss someone, but he had had a break in his watchful eye in the fifties that could’ve very well meant her family could just have been lost to him. He almost chose to ignore that thought since he despised thinking about those five years, smoke and burning flesh and heat always suffocating him whenever he did. So he shook his head and turned up the radio. He didn’t recognize the song, something new and upbeat, the kind of upbeat that melded and sounded exactly like everything else on the radio these days. It didn’t take long for them to make it to the witches’ house and it took even less to get annoyed by the whole situation. 

Damon ran outside as soon as he was able to move, his skin still sizzling softly when he reached the morning air. He listened closely as Bonnie and Jeremy continued on without him, as the little witch did whatever magic she needed to gather the power of 100 or so dead witches. He wondered briefly if he should worry about it, she’d  never liked him nor did she seem to have any qualms about attacking if you messed with her rules, case in point her attitude to Caroline when the blonde had just turned a few months prior. 

“You alright there Judgy?” he called out when he couldn’t hear either human inside the house. He didn’t have any worries regarding Bonnie’s ability to do what they needed, but he definitely had plenty of worries regarding the other witches they’d be contacting, especially Emily Bennett, for all he’d helped her during the time she’d lived on this earth. Emily didn’t seem to like him much, similar to the judgy witch currently inside really, except Bonnie had had ample reasoning for her dislike, Emily he couldn’t understand. And hadn’t really, even after her son told him the reason itself following her death.

Damon strained his ears, but still no sound was coming through. He pondered for a few seconds, called out again, but nothing. He took a breath in. “Emily, please don’t screw me here, I’m trying to help your ancestor.” he mumbled and ran inside. Bonnie was nowhere to be seen on the first floor, neither was little Gilbert. Nor were they on the second floor, especially since the floorboards there were close to crumbling, so the basement level it was. He called out one final time when he finally heard movement. He entered the room, noting vaguely that Jeremy was sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the witch because his gaze was immediately drawn to her. She was chanting, candle light reflecting off of her skin if soft tresses of shades, giving her an ethereal look, her words were barely whispered but tasted of power and command on his tongue as he breathed in. He couldn’t focus on anything else but her, his gaze tracing the slope of her shoulders and up the length of her neck, extended, a tendon pulled as she spoke faster. He shook his head but stayed silent, she’d complained earlier about needing quiet to be able to focus on her spells and he’d paid attention. He weirded himself out a bit since he still could barely focus on the room around them, but now that he tried he was able to feel the magic infused in the walls, floor, the very air of the room. Old magic, dead magic. He almost,  almost could make out the influence of Emily’s magic if he tried a bit harder, almost taste her anger and fear and control, the way he’d done it the night she’d died.

He saw Bonnie’s chest distend once, a deep inhale, and on her exhale he felt all the power in the air dissipate and  move towards her. When she opened her eyes, he almost expected them to have changed, but they were the same deep forest green they’d always been, except she stood a bit taller, moved a bit more confidently as she sat up and stood on her feet.

“Done Witchy?” 

She seemed almost confused for a second as she looked at him and Jeremy, as though she’d forgotten what she’d been doing or where she was, but then a soft grimace, a scrunch in her nose and a loud sneeze seemed to bring her back to the present. She shuddered suddenly, as if in afterthought, and glared at him. He winked back, exaggerated in the way he enjoyed so very much to do since it irked her and she had the most precious pout when he did it.

“Did it work Bonnie?” 

“Yeah, I think that was it. I can definitely feel their power.” she answered Jeremy’s question and Damon almost felt offended if he didn’t already know that was just their modus operandi to irk one another, and being ignored certainly irked him plenty.

“Yeah? So what can you do know? Pull  two  rabbits out of your hat?”

“Weren’t you supposed to stay upstairs, Damon?” He’d been right, the most precious pout.

“Ah, I was going to, but then I thought to myself and realized I couldn't deprive the poor judgmental women in here of my presence much further, I’m not a monster!” he put a hand on his chest as though entirely sincere and affected, if not for the shit-eating grin on his lips. Bonnie scoffed and he thought he almost saw a smile, but she turned to pick up her messenger back before he could tell for sure. He still took it as a win. “Ready to go now children? Daddy has a meeting with a 19 year old back home” He cringed as the words came out of his mouth, regretting them immediately. 

“Gross Damon! God, do you even hear yourself when you speak?” 

Well, that just won’t do. “Why Bonnie? I never took you as the jealous kind.” She shook her head again, shuddered forcefully and walked past him, careful pointedly to avoid touching him, their eyes meeting briefly and he swore she looked about ready to laugh.

[brandedsavior]

anon sent: ❝ [ I don’t get how you can ship light romantically so much. It happens so fast and that’s not her. Your characterization would be so much better without it. ] ❞

alright, nonny. let me learn you a thing.

1) when it comes to ships - all kinds of ships, not just romantic - there’s a lot of behind the scenes plotting and discussion for how things might play out. what i’ve discussed with my partners is not something the dash tends to be privy to, so it’s understandable that a reader might wonder what the hell prompted a particular scenario.

however, just because you’re seeing fluff ( since we’re talking romance here ), doesn’t mean my partner and i haven’t discussed the angst that would preceed any sort of ship. some people want to do the linear thing and go from all that awkwardness and resistance to the quiet acceptance to the ‘trying to navigate feeling and being part of a pair’ to ‘straight up fluff and goodness.’ some people like to jump around ( because, yeah, sometimes it IS more fun to go right to the slow acceptance and fluff ). i’m one of those partners who’s going to accomodate to whoever i’m writing with. they want the angst? i’m in. they want the affection? i’m a sucker for it.

do not take this to mean i don’t recognize that lightning is a very, very difficult character to ship with. she is. she doesn’t open up easily, she can be cold and brash and off-putting initially. she will resist almost every step of the way, no matter how much she craves connection.

but if there’s one thing we learned from the xiii trilogy, it’s that she is capable of change. ( fuck anyone who says she doesn’t have character development, i will fight a bitch on this. ) and it’s that ability to evolve from this front she’s put up, built entirely upon the moniker she adopted, that i fucking live for. characters are meant to grow, and lightning has proven, in canon alone, that despite hesitation, she can learn openness - even if it might take months or years.

you only see snippets of what’s been talked about, so don’t assume you’re seeing the full picture via threads.

2) and this is where i get defensive.

how i write is my call. i enjoy shipping. i enjoy my muse developing bonds outside of romance just as equally. my main writing partners happen to be my romantic shipping partners as well, and we’ve had a fair amount of discussion about our muses and how they interact and develop over the course of time.

you don’t get to come onto my blog and tell me how i’m supposed to write. if i wanted to turn lightning into some au serial killer, that would be my decision. if you don’t like it? hey, there’s the door. don’t let it hit your ass on the way out.

there should be no fucking gatekeeping when it comes to rp. ‘oh, you don’t adhere to canon? well, that makes you less.’ no, it doesn’t. ( i generally adhere to canon myself, but i follow PLENTY of muns who disregard canon entirely and i fucking love them. ) rp is about creativity, exploring beyond the boundaries created by canon to however we see fit. options are limitless.

LET PEOPLE WRITE HOW THEY FUCKING WANT TO WRITE. whether you agree with it or not? tough fucking shit. like i said: door. find it.