#and the difference in how people perceive and treat me when i'm presenting myself as a softer queer nb girl is uhhh. well it's very obvious

[loyalhorror]

ugh. i spent so long shaving all the hair off my shoulders, chest, arms, tummy etc because i felt like otherwise i just looked like A Man In Women's Clothes TM and it's just so like... i dont want to have to shave all the time to be considered Feminine :( i don't even think about it most of the time, but sometimes i catch sight of myself in pictures etc and i realise how thick my arm hair is and stuff or that i always have 5 o clock shadow no matter how much i shave and it's just. augh.

and ofc most of the time i love my body hair! and my beard doesn't bother me! it's just that when i feel like this--like i want to be perceived as a girl, specifically--i feel like i have to be borderline hairless and UGHHHHH

[knifedog-machina]

Being Human: A Species Identity Compare and Contrast

Written by Gavin on June 27, 2024.

Hey, I'm Gavin, and despite hanging out in various alterhuman spaces, I'm 100% a human person. I live in a system with two headmates who are also human, but identify as other species as well - Max as a velociraptor therian, Jude as a dog archetrope and an android. In contrast, I specifically, completely identify as human.

What's so special about that, being human? Statistically, it's nothing remarkable - most people on Earth identify as human after all. I think what's really interesting is that, over the past year, I've been connected to communities that all contain people (or non-people, as the case may be) who partially or fully identify as nonhuman - otherkin, therians, a solid number of fictionfolk and some alterhumans. Therefore, I feel like I can compare and contrast my species identity to the experiences of others, in a way that most people who philosophize on what humanity is don't get the chance to.

We tend to think of humanity as The Default, a non-identity, since the majority of self-identified nonhumans were raised as human, and we all live in human societies. Most people don't bother clarifying that they are human unless they're dehumanized, because it seems obvious that being born human means you're human. Given humanity's position as a default state, a lot of nonhumans see it as an opposing and fundamentally different experience from nonhumanity.

In this way, species identity is similar to gender identity - cisgender people, who identify with the genders they were assigned at birth, are often assumed by transgender people to have a fundamentally different understanding of gender. I feel like both of these assumptions are oversimplifications, ones that miss out on a lot of nuance, and throughout this essay I will be comparing gender and species, as a trans man whose species is as important to him as his gender.

There are some common threads I've noticed when it comes to having a sense of identity. I wouldn't call them universal experiences, I can't read minds, but they're frequent enough to be significant. They may be more obvious when it's an identity at odds with your body (e.g. being transgender or nonhuman) - but I'd go so far as to say that plenty of cisgender (and human!) people also experience these feelings, and simply don't have the words or desire to describe their feelings with these terms.

First off, identity euphoria - the internal sense of alignment, joy, and contentedness one gets from presenting and being perceived as their identity. A trans man might experience gender euphoria from presenting and being treated as a man, and so do many cis men. Think about how thrilled many guys are when their beards fill out; that's facial hair as a presentation of masculinity, and gaining it is a gender euphoric experience. In a very similar way, a nonhuman experiences species euphoria from being perceived as their species - and so do I, as a human being.

I’m trans, so I know how gender euphoria feels for me. I find that the more I'm just treated as a man, the more that the bright elation of being correctly gendered turns into a sense of quiet satisfaction - this is what I am, and everyone knows it, and all is right with the world. There's no reason to think too much about it unless something calls attention to it, and then I feel confident and comfortable enough in myself that other people's judgements are more annoying than hurtful. I exist peacefully in my body, happy with the way people see me in it, and sometimes I'll do something that feels extra masculine and grin about it for five minutes.

My species euphoria falls into the same sort of category - I feel content with my body, the way it matches how I feel internally, and the way other people treat me because of it. I feel fundamentally comfortable with my human body map and movements, having a flat face and hands and nails, walking upright on the soles of my feet. I feel comfortable when I'm acknowledged as a human and a person, when I do something that’s known to be human - when I wear different clothes to express myself and keep out the cold, when I cook a meal to eat with people, when I sing for the fun of it, when I write and draw to share something creative, when I interact with human technology and invention and creation. Humans have been making clothes and foods and songs and adding marks to the world for about as long as they've existed, and we're still doing it, and if I think about it too long I get emotional. I’m human and I feel deeply connected to humanity, and most of the time I don't think about it because I'm treated as one, but sometimes I’ll notice that I'm doing something that just feels fundamentally human, and it's really nice - sometimes species affirmation can be in the little things, like wearing a beat-up jacket or writing a personal essay.

On the flip side, there's identity dysphoria, the distress experienced when one's identity doesn't align with the way they present or find themselves perceived as. A trans woman might feel gender dysphoria because of her body hair; many cis women also feel less feminine if they don't shave. Species dysphoria is a well-known experience in the nonhuman community, the distress of being seen as human or having a human body when you don't identify as one. Given what I said earlier, hopefully it doesn't come as a shock that people can have the opposite experience - feeling distressed about being seen as nonhuman. I get this kind of species dysphoria.

It feels odd to talk about species dysphoria when I’m not nonhuman, but I still feel it. Mostly it comes up in the context of being in alterhuman spaces, being accidentally mislabeled as nonhuman through proximity to those who are, and I've also felt it in the context of playing around with visualizing myself as nonhuman in art. My body map doesn't have nonhuman features, parts like wings or tails or claws or pointy ears. Picturing myself like that feels wrong, it feels like sandpaper, like there’s this foreign thing attached to my body and I need to cut it off so I can stop this crawling sense of my body not being my own. I used to have an awful amount of gender dysphoria, and I feel like the two are very comparable experiences - the distress of feeling like your body doesn't match your mind. I got top surgery, so the gender dysphoria is gone, and thankfully my body is actually human, because I would be just as distressed about being seen as nonhuman as I was about being seen as a girl.

It’s kind of fascinating that I feel this way, that I can’t picture myself as nonhuman without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. On the other end of the spectrum, there's the entire furry fandom, a subculture of people - most of whom definitely identify as human beings - who regularly depict themselves as nonhuman animals for fun and self-expression. We’re all human, what gives? Do they have a more malleable sense of species identity than I do?

Maybe, maybe not. I don't have a straightforward answer to that - like I said, I can't read minds, and I'm just one person. But I do have a couple thoughts on the way humans interface with nonhumanity, on the topic of enjoying it.

See, I get dysphoric about being considered nonhuman, but I've found some loopholes in there. I’m completely fine with my fictional counterpart - the character getting tossed into different AUs for our personal enrichment - being turned into a vampire, a werewolf, a selkie, an android, a person with wings. How's that any different from other expressions of nonhumanity? Well, for me, those stories don't induce dysphoria because they're about humanity, at the end of the day - how people cope with being seen as or turned into monsters, the way they treat one another and the way they treat supposed outsiders, the ways society might change if humans were slightly different animals but still called themselves human. If I were a werewolf, I'd still be human, just one living with the consequences of also being a wolf. If I had wings in a world where all humans have wings, I'm still human in the context of that world. That baseline sense of humanity is what’s important to me.

In a similar vein, I can't stand seriously being seen as nonhuman - but pretending to be nonhuman? Roleplaying? Dressing up in a costume? I can do that. I feel like there’s something very human about being fascinated by the abilities and strengths of every animal that's not your own kind, and wanting them for yourself - the human desire to fly like a bird, swim like a fish, hunt like a wolf, run like a deer.

I think a lot of what people like about fursonas is this sort of wish fulfillment, of having the cool traits of all these fascinating animals, and having that animal self-portrait still being anthro - human - enough to relate to. It's animality through an anthropomorphic lens, through how fun it can be to play pretend and express yourself as a cool deer-wolf-lion hybrid. And usually, those animal choices are symbolic, and the fursona reflects the personality of the person who made it - more often than not, it reflects the cultural stereotypes of what that animal is, instead of being true to what the animal is like as a living organism. It's about the way humans see themselves in animals, not necessarily the way we are animals. So, ironically, being a furry tends to parse as a very human thing to me.

So far, most of this essay has been a comparison, since I see a lot of similarities between identifying as human and identifying as nonhuman. Putting my species into my list of self-identifiers, like how I'd list my name and pronouns, has cemented it as a crucial part of how I view myself and want to be seen. That's the same way a lot of nonhumans think about their species. I have a strong sense of species identity, it just so happens to align with being human. Contrasting the categories seems harder to me.

I could list a bunch of different nonhuman traits that I lack, but it would be on the same level as saying one kintype is different from another. I don't care about walking on all fours, and neither does Max as a raptor. I don't instinctively try to bite a threat, I’d rather kick it, and I know a horse would agree with me. I don't long for the sky and neither does Jude, they're a dog. I don't have a prey drive and neither does a hamster. I don't feel like a nonsapient animal, and neither does an elf.

When it comes down to just being a certain species, there’s not that much of a difference between identifying as a human and identifying as a dragon. There's a bunch of traits that feel correct, and a million others that don't feel right at all.

I could say that I don't understand feeling like I don't fit in my own body, but I do - I had gender dysphoria. I have species dysphoria. If one of my partners is having a phantom shift while co-fronting with me, I invariably end up either leaving front or nullifying their shifts, because I just don't feel comfortable if our combined body map is nonhuman. I don't have memories of being a different species than I am, having abilities that I don't have in my body now, but those aren’t necessary to be nonhuman in the first place.

Do I need to find a contrast that makes sense? Does there need to be some fundamental difference between human and nonhuman identity?

I don't think so. It's all identity, at the end of the day.

[genderqueerdykes]

Things commonly asked while questioning one's gender

Here are some questions you may ask yourself if you are in the process of questioning your gender; if these questions have occurred to you, or create a dialogue or reaction in you, you could possibly have an experience that falls under the trans* umbrella. PLEASE note that NONE of these are REQUIREMENTS for being trans- people have asked me to lay out some basic questions you can ask yourself or a checklist and this is what i've come up with so far:

Does being called by my birth name bother me? would i be happier going by a different name of a different gender or a different name somehow?

Do the pronouns assigned with my birth gender feel inaccurate somehow? would i be happier if i changed my pronouns? does the gender marker assigned to me on licenses and IDs bother me or feel inaccurate?

Does the way other people address me affect me? does the way other people perceive me and assign gendered terms and roles to me in passive conversation bother me? does it bother me that people treat me like a "man" or "woman" when that's not how i feel? does it bother me when people aggressively call me sir, ma'am, lady, man, sister, brother, etc.

When engaging in roleplay or thought exercises, do i find myself naturally envisioning myself as a different gender, or creating characters of a different gender because it feels more safe, natural or comfortable to me while doing thought exercises or fantasizing? do i find that it comes easily to me to put myself in the shoes of another gender, perhaps even moreso than my agab?

Do I find myself relating to one gender moreso than others whenever I engage with fiction? do I find that I wish I could be a lot more like characters of a certain gender ? Do I find that it's easier to project myself on to characters of a different gender?

Do i feel trapped, uncomfortable, upset, irritated, or freaked out when other people comment on how feminine or masculine i am? do i feel like they are wrong in how they see me? do i feel uncomfortable when separated by genders with my peers? do i feel alienated when assigned to be partnered up with one gender but more at home with another? do i feel as though i'm forced to use the incorrect gendered spaces like restrooms?

Would i feel better or more free if i tried to look for different clothing? do the clothes i wear now feel wrong, restrictive, uncomfortable, or in some other way like they are not mine or do not suit me?

Do i wish my voice were lower or higher? does my internal view of how my voice should sound match how it does, and do i feel like i should change that to feel more comfortable and safe, or more like myself?

Do i wish my body were different in some way? does my internal view of how i look match how my body looks? is there something that's wrong or makes me feel uncomfortable? is there something that would make me happier if i changed it, like my musculature, fat distribution, facial structure, hair growth, and so on? do i feel as though something is missing, or needs to go?

Do I feel as though the genders described to me by others just don't fit? do i feel as though i just cannot fit into the boxes of male and female? do i feel as though no matter what gender i try to identify with , it is still inaccurate? do i find that i have an experience with a gender, but it's nothing like how most other people describe their experiences?

Do i wish that i could have more freedom in my presentation and identity? would being able to change my identity on occasion be more beneficial to me? is it too difficult for me to nail down an exact identity and it would be easier for me to identify with a more nebulous term like genderlessness? do overly rigid pre-defined genders or presentations make me feel trapped or left out?

Would i feel more comfortable if i were the one defining the terms i identify with as opposed to other people assigning them to me based upon how i look, sound and act?

Do i feel as though it is not possible for me to be cis no matter what way i try to present or which genders i identify with?

Do I find myself naturally looking up to gender non conforming, trans, nonbinary and other queer people in general? do i find that the way they go about presenting their genders and interacting with gender makes more sense than how cis people approach gender?

this is not an attempt at a diagnostic tool, nor is it required for you to experience ALL of these things, or even most of them. every trans person experiences something different. i'm presenting a list of common questions people ask themselves while questioning their gender. we will continue to add as we think of things

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[solarwynd]

Tbh I don't even care / dislike boycott armys. If you don't want to spend money on BTS because they haven't spoken about Palestine, that's your perogative. Because they're enlisted, that does make a difference for me - maybe others find it an excuse but as someone who doesn't live in a liberal western country myself, I know how things like this work in my country and how vulnerable you can be in this situation, so I don't know how it works in s korea but still I'm giving them some leeway. Also there's just this weird disconnect for me because on one side yeah they're millionaires with a huge platform, on the other side they're currently in the mfing army right now. It feels foul to start tweeting about their privilege from the comfort of my bed in my home - something they currently do not experience. That's just my opinion. Someone else might perceive them to have more power than I do and maybe they're right. I won't say mine is the only right way to think. Plus again it's your money - if you donate more and spend less on merch then that's still a net good imo.

But the whole tone of people remarking on this donation has been completely gross. The way they talk about a genocide the same way they talk about the stupid fanwars that happen on twt everyday rather than with the weight it deserves makes me feel like this is some performative bs. Tweets like the ones some armys and kpop stans make just degrades the whole movement.

If you do have genuine intentions and start making stupid tweets like that, you should really touch some grass, log off twitter and do some more actual activism offline instead of letting twitter brain worms consume you. Acting like everyone's misconstruing what you said and playing victim is also not the move. This is a serious topic so I'd expect tweets related to this to have some actual thought behind it instead of spewing some idiocy as a gotcha because again it looks like you're treating this whole issue like some fandom war and trying to one-up the other side. Click-clack my ass.

Armys always come at BTS crazy during times like this and it’s not because it’s “necessary” since you want them to speak up. It all just comes off as sanctimonious and BTS ruining the perception armys have built around them as stans of them being a bit more conscientious than other k groups. I’ve never had an issue with boycotting in theory it’s just that armys can’t stand behind shit or just go about it the wrong way.

Why is it the minute they don’t perform to your exact standards, all of a sudden they’re low down and evil?Why couldn’t y’all have used Jimin donating as a beacon to rally fans to open a pool or something? And I try not to go tit for tat on things like this, but it’s extremely hard not to when you see proof of all these armys happily buying and streaming golden from last year and have been the main ones making these posts about jimin’s donation.

Nothing has changed from that time to present day. Same with the kpop stans trying to join in on it stanning groups who haven’t said a word either. How do you expect me not to believe y’all don’t have ulterior motives by singling him or BTS out? Now all those accounts have deleted those tweets cause they’ve gotten called out on their hypocrisy and got caught up in how dumb they look getting Jimin dragged over something so harmless. Cause it’s not like he gave money to something inane or inconsequential. He’s helping underprivileged children. Just real dickheaded behavior from that person.

Now considering how a member has close ties with scooter, making a statement would come off as hypocritical. I know in the grander scheme of things, what’s needed and what’s important is the awareness and I’d take it as such. But denouncing Zionism with a Zionist so avidly in the mix still wouldn’t be a good look. Which is why I feel like donating would have been the better option. It’d be much more substantial helping out with funds/materials imo because those are things Palestinians desperately need. But I understand that it’s not on the table since they’re in the military.

[anameistoohard]

Hiii,

I was wondering how a system works in terms of identity?

Thank you very much 😊

I think to start, we need to ask "What makes an identity?"

I think an identity is the culmination of all the things that influence your sense of self. When people ask "Who are you?" or "What are you?" how do you answer?

Most people give a list of traits and interests.

I'm an artist

I'm a woman, specifically a trans woman

I'm autistic

I'm a night owl

I have a special interest in swords

I love to bake but hate to cook

I'm a bit over weight

I love playing Fortnite with my sibling

I'm very quiet but if you can get me talking I don't stop (foreshadowing! yippee! :p)

This is maybe a bit surface level and far from all encompassing, but these are all things that to some degree or other shape how I think of myself. But this is all just me, Taylor. This is how I think of myself. (And just because I do something, doesn't make it part of my identity. Like, I play video games, but I wouldn't consider myself a gamer.)

Our other headmates wont give the same answers as me. Different things shape how they see themselves. Different things hold value to them. Some of those things even directly contradict my identity, like "I am a man" or "I hate going to bed late".

We're not always 100% separate from each other though. Sometimes our senses of self blend together and cause a lot of confusion. Like "Am I a man or a woman? Maybe I'm enby??" or "I thought I hate this food, why do I suddenly like it?" Until we separate again and realize "Oh [headmate] was here, that's why I was feeling like that."

Gender is a bit of a special case. So many clashing identities means we need to be very careful with how we treat/what we do with our body. It would really suck if making it more comfortable for some made others hate living in it.

Also, some of us feel so deeply detached from the body, never fronting or anything, that it has almost no influence on how they perceive themselves. We all have a way we present in headspace that influences how we perceive ourselves (me and my pink hair for example), but for them it's ten fold. Sorta "This isn't my body, I'm just living in it." type thing.

Gosh these asks always end up feeling super rambly. Like, I have the ideas there, I just don't know if I was able to translate them into sentences ya know?

-Taylor (she/her)

[pillarsalt]

Hello! I don't know if you remember me but I have been I was the anon scared of being called a terf back in May. I have been in the process of peaking for a couple of months. I honestly feel both so relieved and also so disgusted now.

I am relieved that I can finally speak. I wish I was exaggerating but I was censoring myself about my own experience as a woman for years. The social order of males being on top also applied to all my discussions on misogyny where I was always believed less than trans women and questioned more. I am glad this is over even if I have things to work through still.

I am disgusted because I just cannot blind myself anymore, and misogyny from trans groups is so visible to me now. I don't condemn trans people as a whole, I still believe in gender dysphoria or the right to anyone to dress how they want and have full bodily autonomy. I have a lovely trans partner who also agrees about sex based oppression and gendered socialization. But trans groups are unashamedly misogynistic. The entitlement they have over redefining everything to fit them is insane. I do not understand why everybody acts like they have the last word on misogyny when they've only lived a fraction of their lives being perceived as women at best. Pointing out their misogyny was met with them telling me "they're not dudes" even tho I never hinted that I thought this, did the full pronoun respect routine and such.

Their movement is filled to the brim with white men who change nothing about their presentation and who they are beyond maybe calling themselves "they/them" or "she/her". They use their newfound oppression status as a shield against any criticism of misogyny. While I do think trans people face specific oppression, a lot of them want it to replace misogyny in definitions and fully erase all the actual misogynistic violence that doesnt apply to them. It makes me sad because I have met normal trans people who understand there are fundamental differences in how males and females are brought up and treated but they're in the minority. I think the Neil Gaiman situation where they lied about it being a ploy to change the outcome of the uk elections will peak more people. Women seem to gradually be done with all of this.

I don't have much to add, you make great points, but I'm very very glad to hear you finally feel able to think and speak freely - it's a relief, isn't it?

Thanks for your message, hope you are and stay well ❤️

[gwemmieee]

I do just want to say, I think most people under a certain level of maturity fundamentally misunderstand something vital about femininity and feminine people.

Women are constantly beaten down by the world, and a lot of us have developed persecution complexes as a result of that continuous lifelong trauma. A lot of us also can unconsciously choose to operate in this toxic masculine mode of personal growth where you scold yourself and negatively criticize yourself before actually processing your feelings and your pain. But I think a core component of what defines the feminine gender identity for me and many women is the simple fact that it's deeply unhealthy for us to do that. Given education and a choice, we're better, happier people when we focus on building ourselves up, including constructive criticism (and never any other kind of criticism pleasethankyou). That's why we can be so kind, open, and nurturing--it's how we have to treat ourselves to get along, so it's natural to treat others that way too.

I think a lot of people catch a vibe that I operate this way and start to judge me. They psychoanalyze me, or treat me like a predator, because the mere hint that someone is actually being so compassionate with themselves reminds them of an abusive narcissist. Which is actually really weird to me, because I've spent most of my life being abused by narcissists, including my entire biological family, and their abusive behavior was actually very toxic masculine and very clearly came from how *not* nurturing they were with themselves, choosing only to affirm their righteousness when they were angry with me for having feelings.

And to be honest, it's been a real challenge to unpack everything they taught me and become a better person than them, and this decision of building myself up as a feminine person and validating my own pain as a deeply sensitive person with a persecution complex, has been by far the most helpful and self-improving decision I've ever made. And I can't help but notice that it's... actually extremely normal these days for almost any woman out there, especially victims of abuse (which is most of us), to openly broadcast that they, too, have struggled with all of this, and that it's OK and in fact really good to operate this way. From your local community caretakers being tough by experience to Taylor Swift shaking it off.

So yeah. I'm a woman, and I'm 30 years old, and I've been around myself enough to know for a fact how I can continue to become a better and better person to myself and everyone around me. And it's weird and harmful that a lot of immature folks out there sort of unconsciously hate me and try to control me as a response, though maybe not as much now that I'm able to really recognize this.

It was also a lot harder before I transitioned. People REALLY hate it when perceived men are like this. They REALLY assume that person is a predator almost at first glance when they catch that vibe. And that is also super weird, unfair, and... prejudiced, tbh. And this I think is a big part of the root of why transmisogyny happens. Because being a trans woman means a lot of people who haven't fully unpacked their own internalized bullshit kind of just instinctively believe that I must be an evil person if I operate this way as someone who was (unsuccessfully) raised/socialized as male. And it's a vicious cycle I think, because the tendency for people who only understand toxic masculinity and do not understand how women operate is probably a huge part of why so many people abuse and control women, and also why so many women are so afraid of anything perceived as masculine.

Frankly? Y'all need to educate yourselves on what narcissism actually is and how it actually works. Vibing out your instinct that someone is a narcissist because they visibly praise and nurture themselves is not that different from vibing out that an AMAB person is a serial killer just because they're experimenting with feminine presentations.

I know that a lot of abusive narcissists in history and the media who you don't know personally, like cult leaders, fake psychologists, etc., project this image of someone who is charming and always loves and praises themselves, and maybe that's why it's so common that people sort of assume that's what a narcissist looks like. But it's not. I promise you, every single one of them is actually deeply mean and toxic to anyone and everyone behind closed doors, including themselves, and they've just gotten really good at hiding it because they're an actual predator. And--this is key--there is nothing harmful about presenting as a kind, loving, charming person. It's actually very good to do that. It's specifically the part where they treat it like a facade that is dropped when it's time to prey on people, that makes them abusive. Being judgmental and afraid of someone just because you think they're *too* charming and kind is just... weird. Just because one of their yums is themselves in a way you don't personally vibe with, doesn't mean you need to yuck it. Attributing danger and harm onto someone who's shown signs of neither doesn't help anyone. Actual predators will show themselves eventually. And predators that competent are hecking rare. I have spent so much time being abused by narcissists who basically can't fake being better people like we always expect them to, but they were able to fake it to me because I didn't know any better at the time. Making me their prey. Most predators just aren't that good at it and so they find more gullible prey. The really scary predators who will successfully trick you, the discerning skeptic misanthrope, are vastly outnumbered by just regular people who happen to have highly developed self-love skills.

[darkpoisonouslove]

So I've been reading Fallen Love and....

All I can think of with the second part (besides how amazing this is) is how the song Albatross seems to fit. (T Swift.)

Griffin is Valtor's Albatross. The one who can kill or save him. (In a manner of speaking.)

Hi! Thank you for telling me you're reading and enjoying the story! I am so obsessed with this idea and it means a lot that someone else likes it too! (Especially since I legit wrote Valtor's PoV in a day and I haven't written that much since I don't know when. That inspiration sure struck me like a lightning bolt! XD)

Please, if you have any more thoughts or questions about the story, feel free to share them! I

I can certainly see the vibes (and there are several word choices in the song that really scream Griffin x Valtor). There is this moment where Valtor is blaming all his negative feelings on Griffin without taking responsibility for any of his actions that could have led to this decision. And, without spoiling any of Griffin's reasoning for leaving him (as that will be revealed in due time), the image of a dead albatross that becomes a bad omen is an appropriate symbol for that entire situation.

The one thing that differs from the song would be the way their "break-up" is perceived. For one, no one was warning Valtor about her. I think the Ancestral Witches were just happy with all the results Griffin's presence was giving and once she betrayed him, they would have played that as entirely his mistake and even tried to twist it as if they were actually warning him from the beginning when that wouldn't have been true.

And on Griffin's end there's this really awful dissonance of people definitely encouraging the betrayal or at least treating it as a positive thing while at the same time absolutely not believing that her actions could have the impact of destroying Valtor because they simply don't believe that he genuinely cares about her enough for that to be possible. Honestly, Valtor's own attitude of insisting this was just a silly albeit embarrassing mistake on her part doesn't really help with the way others perceive the depth of his affection towards her.

So I'd say that the original poem that the song is based on - the Rime of the Ancient Mariner - is an even better match for the vibes of the story. Griffin, of course, would be the albatross and Valtor would be the mariner that shot her and the Ancestral Witches are the ones forcing him to wear the dead bird (or at least the reminder of how he failed) around his neck. The Company would then take on the role of a somewhat apathetic reader, who would perceive his punishment as justly and while they might have some sympathy for the albatross that was killed, that doesn't change the fact that the bird is still very dead and they're basically treating the desecration of its corpse as a spectacle.

The song moves the negative tone away from the mariner and while the albatross seems to remain an omen of doom, Taylor is adding a sense of agency (alongside the original victimhood) to the bird that just isn't present in the poem. No surprise since she's equating herself to the bird. However, in this situation Griffin doesn't really have agency. Not because of Valtor or the Company, but because of the way she's neck-deep in denial and is refusing to acknowledge the actual problem quite similarly to how Valtor is refusing to acknowledge the harm in his own actions. I'm heading back into spoilers again so I'll stop here. This got quite long anyway and believe me, I'm very surprised at the turn this took myself.

[wikimb]

i read your reblogs about how you feel about womanhood, and.. i don't know how to say this really, but have you considered that you might not be a woman? i felt the exact same way before i realized i'm a masc agender person, and i'm so much happier now.

i don't want to tell you who you are, and i'm so sorry if other people have already done that to you. i just wanted to suggest that maybe if you feel that way, you don't have to.

i hope you have a good day <3

No problem.

I remember a different trans guy friend suggesting a few years ago that I may be agender but I feel personally torn about this.

I feel it's caused by being asexual. I just don't relate to straight women, who make up the majority of "woman population" what explains my detachment. Being a woman is often presented to you as tied to performing feminity and being attracted to men. I am none of this but I don't mind being seen as a woman as long as it's not associated with stuff as described above. As long as this label doesn't become some sort of primary identity you will perceive me as and you don't start to treat me accordingly to it.

I also have a personal theory that you may feel more in touch with your gender while having a sexual partner. Not sure if it makes sense. I guess being in sexual situations may make you feel "the closest" to your gender identity.

I've heard asexual people commonly feel sort of "agenderish/detached from gender" so maybe that's just a standard thing. This article/research shows it so well

The people asked were asexual like I am and they felt what I do.

Link to the article.

I honestly view myself as how metal bands view their music. They tend to respond when they're asked what kind of metal they play (as there is a lot of genres). They usually don't like this question and either respond they play music or just metal. They don't feel like labeling their work, their soul to some stiff category.

[peacerisendove]

Big Ethel Energy Season 2 Episode 19

Just diving into it today.

Overall, I feel like the webcomic continually tries and continually misses with its presentation of serious topics and in turn those topics feel shoe horned or surface level as I continue to read. Some topics are treated well, but I think the primary difference is that in those instances where the presentation is better, multiple pages are dedicated to the topic rather than a few speech bubbles. If the time or effort isn't going to put into the issues when they come up then I feel like it's meaningless for the webcomic to try to present them because it present such an unsubstantial surface level discussion or commentary on them.

This perspective isn't wrong, but Veronica didn't treat Tim like that at all. Perhaps it's the way I read the encounter between Tim and Veronica or if it was portrayed overtly. Veronica certainly had an abrasive attitude, but they both did during their first meeting.

Big Ethel Energy continues to shove perspectives down the readers throats and villainize characters without displaying them doing wrong or sticking to that characterization. At least make it apparent. Like if Veronica had stereotyped or perceived Tim in a myopic way because he was gay I would understand and agree with what Tim was saying in the context of the story and how it happened, but my issue is that their meeting didn't read like that to me. They were equally abrasive and snide with each other. It was on the same level.

He called her out on her history of bullying and she accepted that. If he called her out on any of her other wrongs like the body shaming or cheating I would have understood that. I understand Tim is doing all of this with the intentions of protective Ethel, but bringing this up without the meeting displaying it feels empty and feels like a failure on the part of the comic's presentation/display.

...I'm going to real I have no idea what Seth's ethnicity is because I don't think it was mentioned until now. I'm assuming he has an Indigenous American background because of the comment he makes here, but I'm honestly not sure because I don't believe it was mentioned until now. But I will be checking on that and editing the paragraph accordingly.

But I personally feel as if this exchange between Tim and Seth is clumsy and continues with with the pattern of the comic bringing up important topics and issues just for the sake of bringing them up, but never expanding upon them.

Big Ethel Energy continues to mention these important topics and perspectives, but the comic really does nothing with them. They feel shoe horned as I've repeatedly stated across my reading of the webcomic because the characters do nothing with them. I understand being stereotyped as a racial minority myself, it's a lived experience and at times it feels like you can do nothing about it in social situations, but having a couple characters talk about race and sexuality and the stereotyping that comes with these aspects of one's self when interacting with people and then having no real conclusion or message other than "We contain multitudes, bro!"

It feels simple? Shallow? A way to cut off the conversation with an easy and nice bow? I'm not sure how others are perceiving this moment. Like of course we contain multitudes. It just feels...way to simplified. Personally at least.

Other than that in this episode. I am glad someone finally said this because I wasn't sure if I was reading it correctly. The comic is pointing toward Seth and Ethel potentially being a thing.

Just considering Ethel's crush on Seth I wonder if the same issues/anxieties she expressed having with dating and that she solely associated with Jughead are going to come up again? If they don't I feel like her issues with dating were really more just issues with Jughead.

[void-thegod]

Trans Men are Men: Parallels in Gender

Oppression is everywhere.

Western Culture's cis-het norms oppress everyone. Not equally. Not in the same ways. But everyone is affected negatively. Whether they believe themselves to be so or not.

Cis-het able bodied men are held to the standards of their culture. This often results in toxic masculinity, misogyny, suppression of emotions, etc.

Whether you're white, black, indigenous, etc - you experience this oppression in different ways.

Once again if you're queer. Again if you're neurodivergent. Again if you're ... you get the picture.

In America, there is a consumerist culture. It's hyper-individualistic, while at the same time being hostile to outsiders. Despite the history of revolution, America is still a country very much divided about ideals that it shouldn't be.

Class, sex, race, gender, disability, and so forth. People know they're shaped by a sick world. That they end up sick -- traumatized -- because of it.

It presents differently depending on what you are.

We all know these things. How people are held to capitalistic and cis-het normative standards. All sorts of standards anyone could name.

I was going to go for a comparative analysis. But it seems like beating a dead horse.

When you hold anyone - an individual, a demographic - to a standard that doesn't suit their constitution you have a BAD TIME. Period.

Make a man be more macho or he suffers public humiliation. Force a woman to be more feminine. If you present masculine, you should act like a man. If you look smart you should be smart. If you're pretty, you should be a whore. So on and so forth.

All sorts of things that we should be far beyond. And people do all of these things to each other.

To trans men.

I can speak to my experience:

At first I was a tomboy. I just knew I wasn't like other girls. I didn't like girly things. Not really. But I didn't think of the other mannerisms boys and girls had too much. I noticed those things more latter on.

But when I presented masculinely as a lesbian? I was expected to "perform the role". I couldn't and shouldn't be feminine.

And as a trans man? If I seek companionship with women they uphold me to cis-het normative standards, more often than not. Men generally treat me as if I'm not really a guy or they want to see me more femininely than I am.

Any traits I have -- masculine or feminine -- are seen differently by everyone. I have a rather deep voice. Some people may think I'm forcing it. It just comes out that way, though. Especially when I'm relaxed.

If you're conventionally attractive that is a double edged sword. I'm gawked at. People like the idea of me and then realize I'm a Freak with a capital F. For being trans. For being autistic and Weird(TM). For having cptsd, anxiety. For being honest with myself about my flaws.

If you're good looking people may think many things:

you're a whore

you're an attention whore

you're dumb

you're confident

you're an extrovert

Same if you show signs of intelligence. Different people interpret that differently based on what and who you are. Are you poor and happen to be intelligent? Different reaction than if you were raised with a silver spoon.

Different reaction to intelligence, beauty, and capability if you're brown.

What if you're disabled but still able to be independent?

What if you're have Weird(TM) special interests?

So forth.

Obvious stuff. But all these things have a cumulative affect on how one's perceived. Any action, any trait, any mannerism -- it will be viewed through a different lens.

Many times people think they know who you are just based on these things.

You could say if you knew a person's history, what they've been through, what they are, etc Maybe, maybe then you would know that person.

But do you?

We all know how complex and simple people can be. How even one person can be.

Yet... We're here in 2024 holding trans men and everyone to standards no one even wants.

Why?

[gear-project]

What being a Purist Fan is to Me

Something I don't always talk about as Purist:

I tend to get "sensitive" to how others perceive characters from game to game.

There are literally days when I will get overly upset about things people randomly say about certain characters... I usually don't bring it up so as not to bother anyone but... there really are days when I feel like unleashing all my pent-up feelings of frustration on the subjects.

I'm not the type to "swap" a character's gender in my mind just because I feel like it... as a "purist" I treat the character AS-IS in story... and it deeply bothers me when people are irreverent to that.

I don't treat characters as a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/waifu or what-have-you... I treat them as respectable characters WITHIN the story they are IN... in-character as they are presented.

Maybe, when I was younger, I might've had characters I "crushed" on... But living with a family of realists kinda killed that frivolous emotion inside of me, to the point where... yeah there are characters I like, but no I don't like them "like that"...

If I was sincerely interested in a relationship, I would sooner have feelings for the people who ALSO like the characters that I ALSO like... rather than having feelings for the characters themselves directly... does that make sense?

Some might observe that side of me and just think I'm being a "mature adult"... but I also think that there are sides to me that still haven't matured enough that I couldn't actually be confident in classifying those feelings that way.

If I was a mature adult about this, I'd be constantly compromising with my feelings about characters with other people... but that's not the premise of WHY I wrote all this...

So when I talk about characters I am genuinely a FAN of... those are the earnest feelings I have... not some facet I made up or a narrative I spun... but facing the characters I like as they actually ARE PRESENTED.

But, I understand that some passionate fans can't simply do what I've done and they sort their feelings out differently... I understand that... but I just can't accept that for myself.

In some regard that's why I tend to leave things like relationships and romance subject matter by the way-side... not because I'm not interested, but because it distracts from the true nature of the story and narrative I respect in the stories I'm enjoying.

If the story was fundamentally ABOUT romance, yeah, I could discuss it like that... but in most cases... well, for my interests at least, generally that's NOT the case.

I'm also the type to keep things clean and pure... "safe for work" as they say... so I'm not gonna talk about the slimy, gooey, gross aspects of interacting with others (at least not in public if I can help it).

That's not to say I don't have a sense of humor, but I've been out of college for a while now... so I'm not gonna talk about that stuff like I'm a grade-schooler if you catch my drift.

Well, at the end of the day, just know, that I have feelings about characters TOO... and it genuinely bugs me when characters aren't respected... I just want you all to be aware of this when we discuss topics.

[weabooweedwitch]

Gosh the way you worded that was so manipulative! You were defending yourself and giving reasons why people deserve to be abused by you while simulateously self-flagellating, threatening suicide and callimg yourself a 'monster' which you clearly don't actually believe otherwise you wouldn't have also listed all of those excuses and defences like 'my manager leaves sticky cans around' and 'my therapist said my mom doesn't respect boundaries when I was a child'. Not once have you expressed any empathy for your mom or anyone else, you're just talking about yourself. You're clearly trying to guilt people into condoning your actions and comforting you, which many of your followers will now do because they feel sorry for you because of your classic manipulative covert narcissist tactic of 'cry and self flagellate when I get called out so people feel bad enough to ignore/excuse my abusive behavior and comfort me'. It pisses me off that so many people are going to fall for this, that's how it always goes with people like you. Shit, 99% of my clients only present to the clinic because their abuse escalated to the point of criminal violence and mandatory treatment orders, their lives are just full of enablers who buy this guilt-tripping strategy that narcs always employ to avoid accountability and get validation. They think their insecurity is an excuse to abuse people, and they use their perceived criticisms of others as a pass to not feel guilty for treating people like shit while expecting princess treatment from others. If you really feel that guilty, TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY. Anything else is a cop-out

I'm not even trying to be like this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I've already tried everything I can.

I'm just saying how I feel? I'm giving examples of why I'm frustrated? I've spent my whole life trying to be better and recover and try medicines and just be normal and I'm constantly being told I'm getting worse and worse and now I have more responsibilities than ever

I guess I just. I guess I'm a quitter. My entire life whenever I get so overwhelmed I literally just have to step back because I physically can't handle it anymore and I guess this is no different.

I never wanted special treatment. I just want basic respect. I just want apologies when I'm wronged. I want people to acknowledge when things aren't my fault. I want the things I do and say to matter

If me just trying to say how I feel is manipulative without even trying, when I'm literally just trying to say exactly how I feel, and my inherent nature as a person itself is manipulative, then. I'm accidentally the kind of person I hate the most.

Honestly what you're saying is only reinforcing what I'm feeling. I've been trying so hard to keep myself calm because everything with my mother is escalating to the point where I'm afraid I might hurt her. If you genuinely think I'm just like all these violent people who ligerallt had to be locked away. Then I have to take care of myself before I hurt anyone

[soft-futch]

I do have to get comfortable with the fact that people who found me attractive and were responsive to my flirting when I was presenting more fem no longer do now that I'm presenting more masc.

I do have to accept that people noticeably treat me different now

These are things I knew would happen my whole life, even before I was consciously aware of it, and a big reason I went so hard with my feminine presentation. I was taught that my worth depended on how attractive I was perceived to be by society's standards, and deviating from that was punished over and over again.

I think of all the times I dipped my toes into who I wanted to be and was met with backlash and isolation from my peers, including friends, as well as family, and it pushed me away from myself.

It's a hard pill to swallow after a lifetime of pressure to be someone else, but at the same time it's truly freeing. Butch is beautiful, and I am beautiful to the people who see and love the real me.

[shyfoxsky]

Alongside now treating this blog like a personal journal and starting one of those color-coordinated mood calendars to really get down to how I feel, and after browsing through some old forums, I decided to really try to write out something coherent, except this time, I have a template!

"Identifying as" is something I've never fully understood. I've always struggled to really comprehend what that means, especially when the usual responses I see from others revolves around feelings and thoughts I either don't have or don't know how to articulate. For me, the closest I've ever gotten is comparing it to calling myself a woman, being something I don't have to think about or try, I just am, but that comes with a factual, physical body that I can just look at to know and I can't deny. A gray fox therian posted about their own ideas of it, and described it as this:

"There are a good number of animals that I could 'technically' consider a theriotype: I feel and act very deer-like when my senses are heightened, and have had deer phantom shifts in the past. I also tend to feel and act distinctly animalistic when I'm in the water, and could easily see myself as a seal. However, for me, none of these behaviours are deeply-ingrained into my sense of identity, so I wouldn't call them a theriotype. The only animal that has been present within me for my entire life, consistently holding importance towards how I see myself and the world, has been foxes."

The post got me thinking about what exactly it means to me to identify, and how that works in my everyday life. In my words, an identity is something you carry with you, something you are, which affects your daily life in a consistent way, even if it's not always obvious. The ways you think, move, react, believe, they're all affected by your identity. If an aspect of your identity has no effect on how you perceive yourself or how you interact with the world around you, then it's not really a part of it. For example, being female changes how I emote and move, being a ginger changes my self-image, being an animist changes how I believe other things exist, etc. In that regard, identifying as an animal is the same way. I should be able to concretely see how being this creature changes and affects my being in my daily life. To be a human is different than it is to be a wolf or a fox or anything else. If I act like one, see myself as one, and being one changes how I interact with the world and myself, then I identify as it.

How does this affect my current state of questioning? Part of this idea is that identity will affect you in the long-term. Thinking on voluntary labels, such as being part of a music subgenre like being a metalhead or swiftie, is that these are music preferences that span years, if not one's entire life from the point of discovery of the music. People who occasionally listen to a Taylor Swift song or discovered metal music a couple of weeks ago don't genuinely call themselves by these labels, not until it becomes a long-term, deep-seeded part of who they are. I have labeled as a wolf in some capacity since 2020, meaning four years, and I awakened as a red fox, meaning over eight years, on and off. The difference is that before I awakened, I was always seen as a fox, and others saw me as one. It wasn't until I confirmed wolves in 2020 that anyone else ever thought of them in context with me or vice versa. Even today, with no knowledge of my questioning, my mate automatically thinks of me as a fox, and it's clear that I do, too. Though when I shift, I may not consciously think of it as fox or wolf, it's clear that this inner canine affects how I move and act and believe. However, this has been the case with specifically foxes since I was little. From the first time I saw one to all of the foxes I saw on TV to now, they continue to be a part of me that I can't shake. I can't say that about wolves. They're cool animals, but they were never something I thought about until recently. Even horses consumed my life when I was younger, to the point that I was known more for them than foxes, but in a different way. Where I was a "horse girl", I was "a little fox".

I'm not here and now saying that I'm not a wolf. Since I first started thinking of them, they've been a huge part of my life and have become a part of me as well. They've become something that has affected my beliefs and perceptions and I'm doing my undergraduate thesis on them, so people are now associating me with them. For the other students in my classes, I'm more wolf than fox. Wolves also just have a lot of baggage that might be holding them back from stepping to the front as the dominant animal I identify as. Not only are they ostracized in everyday life due to being the stereotypical badass animal everyone loves (I say as a horse girl), but they also were the focus of a lot of young writers and artists in a way that they're now considered cringe, on top of all the misinformation and hate they get as a large predator, and that's all without the community's influence. The desire to both be a wolf and be literally anything else is so strong. I want to be the poster child animal, be a part of a pack, be this big and strong and cool animal, but I also want to be unique and be taken seriously in my identity and not feed into stereotypes.

I also just don't see myself as multiple animals. I don't feel this fluctuation between wolf and fox like I'm switching between parts of me, but rather that there's this shadowed, blurry part of me, and depending on the lighting, it can look like one or the other. I don't even know if I could describe myself as a mix, like as a wolf-like fox or a fox-like wolf or some hybrid. It just feels like I don't know what I'm looking at, and I need to take time to look at it for awhile longer to figure it out. I'm not a creature with multiple species or a hybrid or something adjacent. I'm one of these, but I just don't know which one because they're so similar.

I don't think I'm anywhere near confirming fox or wolf. It'll take time and more introspection and personal analysis of what it means to me to identify and how exactly both species play into who I am as a person and which one resonates more with who I am and feels more obvious and impossible to disprove. Today is definitely a fox day by how this essay reads, but that's okay. Just all part of the process. If you read this whole thing, goddamn you're spectacular. I'm really just vomiting my words onto here so I can process it all.