#and then any breakdown in communication is treated as my fault

[hey-scully-itsme]

my skills as an administrative assistant are brutally hampered by the fact that I keep wildly underestimating the amount of prompting, coaching, and detailed explanations people apparently expect. I’m no stranger to overcommunication but apparently what I consider overcommuncation isn’t even the bare minimum for these people

[crazyexdirkfriend]

Okay, I've got a sincere ask, since you've got an insanely bright head on your shoulders and I need you to dissect the hell out of Dirkjake so I can use it as a hand guide to navigating smthn in my personal life but like- in one of your posts you state that Dirk's inability to communicate with Jake is (inherently the problem) where as Jake isn't as much at fault (you tagged it with Half Joking, so im treading lightly here) but i was wondering if you could elborate on that? Unless you were actually joking. If you weren't, I'd sincerely like to know why Dirk's communication issues (in terms of fault) highly outweigh Jake's affinity for denial and ignoring all of his issues outright. Are they not both equally at a disadvantage? Is Dirk actually The asshole for his inability to express himself properly?

Hi! Thank you, thank you I'm glad you think so but my supposedly bright head is mush atm. So my opinion on this rapidly changes wrt to post-canon, but that is my opinion on HS proper more or less. I'm not like, super serious on it bc as I've grown up I'm way less hardline on what was basically a messy teenage relationship. But I was very very opinionated on it when I too was 16. I don't remember when the post you're referring to was exactly so just (vague hand wavey) Basically my point is that in HS proper, Dirk and Jake are both bad at communicating, though people typically attribute Jake's lack of communication as being at fault for the ultimate relationship breakdown, alongside Dirk's clinginess. I don't think any of that causes the relationship breakdown as much as the channels of communication being broken on Dirk's end, so I think it's important to look at how Dirk and Jake communicate before any of that.

Okay so for starters, they don't. Dirk and Jake never have an on screen conversation so all Jake's attempts to communicate with Dirk are scuppered. Jake makes genuine attempts to communicate with the real Dirk throughout the first leg of the alpha kid arc, and is blocked every time. When Jake tries to communicate issues via Dirk proxies, he's shut down entirely. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking when Jake tells Hal about Brobot being "tender." Now, I don't ascribe to the belief that the robot is being inappropriate when he says this. I believe Jake is attracted to Dirk and the robot treating him more gently is sending his mind places. However, Hal's immediate response to this is to shut off novice mode, leaving Jake to fight the robot on the harder mode. Hal is not doing this because he legitimately believes this will make Jake more comfortable; he's doing this to fuck with him. Jake speaks up about an issue and is immediately punished for it because Dirk or Dirk-proxy is defensive -> Jake is less likely to speak up. (Side note: a lot of people say that Dirk is not aware of what Hal is doing and does not condone it. This is contradicted in the text when Dirk says he knows Hal is fucking with Jake and thinks it'll teach him to be less trusting in people, and does not contact Jake back himself. Dirk's issues with Hal interfering with Jake only arise later.)

Since they don't communciate, we don't have much to go on about how their conflict styles mesh aside from via Dirk proxies. Which is basically stuff like the above. So when we get to their largely offscreen relationship, the information the audience really has to go on is that Jake appears to have upped and left without saying anything and is hoping the whole problem really just goes away without having to text Dirk back, and Dirk is frantically trying to communicate with him, and assuming that he's too clingy. We don't actually know if Jake HAS communicated with Dirk. All we know is that he's not currently doing so.

My personal belief is that it's a bit of a leap to think that Jake has gone from being vague, dancing around issues, but bringing them up when the issue is actively on the table (brobot, Jane's crush, etc.) to immediately packing a bag and going to the hills without saying *anything.* I just think that Jake is less likely to press the issue if he thinks Dirk is going to take it the worst possible way, and to the worst possible extreme, and Jake is less likely to press an issue if he thinks he's upsetting someone. If "I think the robot is a bit tender" leads to "Ok I'll put the robot on *waterboards you in the sea and beats you unconscious* mode," then "I think I could use some time to myself for a little while" leads to "Ok, guess if you need space so bad I'll stop bothering you and we can just stop hanging out altogether." And Jake, despite wanting space, is very very afraid of his friends all deciding he isn't worth the hassle and abandoning him permanently. So he'd immediately recant and drop it (until he cracks)

Now since we don't know what happens between Dirk and Jake in that gap in the narrative, I'm conjecturing. I suppose my point is that assuming that Jake doesn't communicate to Dirk is also conjecture, and not the natural conjecture I would make based on his actions up until this point. He's avoidant of conflict, not avoidant of conversation. I also don't think Dirk being immediately receptive to Jake asking for space is in line with his actions up until this point- I believe his response would be the above, or continuously "fixing it" until Jake drops it.

My point basically is that if you take all that in isolation, it's a sad miscommunication between an insecure boy who takes things to extremes and another insecure boy who doubts himself and can't stand up for himself. No one is the asshole for that. But it's not in isolation. Dirk allowing AR to interfere with his communication with Jake shuts down the channels of communication before they ever date. If I remember correctly, Jake says at one point that he can't remember when the last time he spoke to the "real" Dirk was. I just don't think it's overly fair to blame Jake for the culmination of a communication breakdown that was months, if not years, in the making on Dirk's side. It's less that Dirk is THE asshole and the only one who did anything wrong, and more that generally when people say there was fault on both sides, Jake is the one who receives extensive criticism on his communication skills. Now ultimately: I'd take this with a pinch of salt. They're kids and their first relationship doesn't work out, it's not hugely important to ascribe fault one way or the other- this is all semantics tbh. I only really argue the point for three reasons. 1. I think it makes for a better narrative reading of Jake repeatedly trying to communicate with Dirk and getting a blank wall pre-game and that wall ultimately crumbling around Dirk's persona during the game. It reads better as a cohesive story 2. I think viewing Jake as "the problem" skewered a lot of people's reading of later scenes in the text, especially when HS was actively updating pre-gigapause, and the portrayal of Jake as "the one who can't communicate" leads to a wooden reading of the other alphas by association. and 3. Hal gets the blame for a lot of stuff people don't want to put on Dirk, which also skewers readings of Hal's actions later on. Now if we were talking EPILOGUES...then absolutely Jake's issues with denial, avoidance, and lack of communication (and terminally low self esteem) are going to play a primary, if not inciting role, in their ultimate relationship breakdown. But that's a whole other post and I'm aware I'm rambling at this point. Caveat: If this is an issue concerning your personal life though as your ask sorta suggests, I'd triple take this with a grain of salt because this is a very specific HS situation and HS is ultimately a story with a plot and characters have to act a certain way and do certain things bc it makes the story go zoom. Real people who may resemble Dirk and Jake are not necessarily going to have matching issues, communication problems, and robo-clone answering machines

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

"I need to discard these useless emotions of mine before being consumed by sadness and despair."

WHAT THE FUCK MIHOYO

SA IS SUCH A TRAGIC CHARACTER BUT

BUT

She’s also really fucking awful… in her desperate dash to remain functional, she became twisted beyond recognition or happiness…

But you can’t argue against it, she truly was alone, can you fault her for coping this way? The sheer grief of what she has done and lost is difficult to comprehend. Venus didn’t even have bubbles available, everyone was utterly gone. Even the sims like Marah came after a really long time of her having to fix Venus tech on her own. Sa straight up jokes she “nearly had a mental breakdown” at Marah, but uh… take out the nearly, girl.

We don’t know how fast the decay of her personality happened, but my guess is that she had already changed to such an extent that Marah had no compassion for Sa by the time she started to exist as a sim, not to mention that Sa was to blame for their misfortune and the destruction of Purusha.

Sa tried to live with her colleagues, to keep a pointless human routine, and it only drove her more crazy. So Sa became a monster, forced herself to act like a robot and a god, distanced herself from pain and people… but it seems she could never quite get there, or at least not within the timespan than Vita awoke in.

Sa is still a human deep down, no matter how much she denies herself.

Multiple times she chose to spare Marah (who had secretly kept her personality when she got turned into a Cleaner, so did Sa try to get rid of her or was it a pragmatic act’s side effect? Either way she didn’t rectify it) and then she chose to keep Vita upon learning she had become self-aware, and keep a direct telepathic connection with her, they had conversations where Vita expressed doubt on Sa’s plans…

For me the tragedy really is “What else could Sa have done? What else could have happened?”

Even if Sa had dropped all her plans, she was already unstable while playing house with Marah, always a step away from violently lashing out and succumbing to despair and rage. She couldn’t have been happy among these illusions she had absolute control over, she tried. She held onto normalcy, programmed a robot to force her into a normal human routine, pretended everything was fine and she still lived in a society, and it didn’t work. Sa only became more and more bitter and twisted.

When she left, and tried to find a new home out there, away from the Cocoon (she couldn’t have settled on Earth, not with the Honkai right there— and we don’t know what she might have done or not on Mars, but it had long been destroyed by the Honkai too) she couldn’t seem to find anything for ages. Phosphorus was created thanks to the Ark, for the previous 250 million years of Sa’s existence, there was no human city of Phosphorus. Phosphorus is younger than CE— maybe three thousand years at most. They are the descendants of the PE human samples. They are Earthlings. There are still no Venusians left besides Sa, and her colony hasn’t existed for even a single percent of her life. Too little, too late.

Sure, maybe a community wouldn’t have been necessary for her to heal. Perhaps she could have just treated the new little soul, Vita, like family, rather than a slave and a tool, but… we all know she was way too far gone to have a normal relationship even then. She had already given up and discarded Marah’s companionship. She had already settled into the idea of ridding herself of her emotions, using machine rationality to shield herself from pain.

So, logically, by then, she thought any disturbance should be swiftly dealt with. So, she should have killed Marah and remade Vita, get rid of her mind, so neither could betray her. The logical thing to do, with no emotions behind them.

Sa, of course, still had feelings about it anyway.

Her imposed rationality and irrational emotions clashed, and all she could bear to do was minimize Vita’s and Marah’s importance. They don’t matter, so she doesn’t have to kill them for being a risk. See, perfectly rational, and no painful feeling. Right?

Just more lies to herself— just like when she played house, pretending her world was okay.

[jasperjv]

Hey. So 2 years ago Connor Lavery's aka khonjin's psychological torture of me reached fever pitch in my psyche and I was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital in a severe psychotic breakdown that lasted almost 3 months. Now I'm indexed in his long story of his supposed inexplicable persecution. He thinks me, in my psychotic state, demanding monetary compensation for his gaslighting and harassment, was some kind of attempt at "cancellation" and me throwing a tantrum instead of communicating like an adult. However I deleted my entire social media presence after getting back from the hospital and haven't bothered him since. But he still thinks I did something to him.

The man is dangerous. He believes that the worst sin of mankind is the ego, so he makes it his mission to bully the fuck out of everyone until they have no self-esteem, boundaries of their own, or healthy sense of self whatsoever. The elimination of the ego however is what psychosis is, also unable to suppress the flow of the unconscious, identical to a waking dream. But when that happened to me after 2 years of mind games, he retreated into himself and framed it in the most disgusting way possible. Which you will see.

Embedded here is the first video I made myself specifically on this topic. You will see more details in a more recent video, and follow the trail I put in that video's description to get my full story. For the podcast in particular I would give a content warning for assault, sexual assault, ableism ("saneism"?) and general torture and terror.

There's nothing on God's green earth I could do or say to force him to take me seriously. I have probably half of you people blocked because just seeing anything to do with him would make my blood pressure spike. And it's high enough as-is just due to genetics. Maybe the rest of you might be able to be reached.

I'm so sick of fucking self-centered freaks trying to hold me accountable for actual psychosis because they're so desperate to blame anyone or anything but themselves for their part in tragedy. I really get gaslit about my own psychosis, and forced to prove a negative repeatedly (which we know is a lexical impossibility). I'm handed a blatant double-standard about mental health awareness and basic human decency, when in many cases I desperately need it more than most. Schizophrenia sufferers are 1% of the population. We're dwarfed by most, if not all, other mental illnesses. In this I continue to be thrown alone to the wolves. Sometimes even while being laughed at, it truly feels like. So I feel like I have to do all in my power to help make sure that this happens to fewer people than it would otherwise.

The callouts in 2018, the types of points of persuasion they were trying didn't make sense to me. Maybe this, though, could strike others. I'm more specific about how exactly he destroys people from the inside out. Stay the fuck away from him.

He's scared of losing his financial support from Patreon and ad revenue or whatever. I really, truly felt for that for a long time. But now I know that none of us are obligated to keep his ass afloat. It would be nobody's fault but his own if he didn't even try to heal his fucked up mindset and was just a raging misanthrope nobody wants to deal with. When you get to be my age, you become aware of all the ways to make a living. He could get disability. He could get a factory job, for instance. And that paid me an absurd amount of money. He needs to make up his mind about if he wants to be around people or not. Because he can't keep treating them the way that he does.

Oh, and if you're reading this and you happen to have any social connections with him whatsoever, for the love of God, do not let him put you on the defensive. About anything. Over and over again. It chips away at you. He doesn't have the answers. He doesn't have any objective taste like he desperately wants to think. He doesn't know any wisdoms that you couldn't get from someone who won't talk down to you.

Took me quite a while to convince him of the truth that he is only older than me by only a few months. I needed my hope in humanity and the future in order to not go and end it all. He did not give a fuck. He kept accusing me of lying about not being a naïve teenager. Just for that. Ask any well-adjusted and experienced adult and they will tell you to stay far away from people like that. The motivations that drive them to that behavior and opinion are bad, bad news.

He is intelligent, in the scariest ways. Intelligence of that type allows dysfunctional people like him to fabricate lines of logic that justify and enable the abuse they already sought to do. Literally anything can be justified with just the right kind of logic. Trust your gut. Guard your mind. It's the only one you've got.

He leads an excessively stressful life, creates his own dysfunctional world both inside and around him. I truly believe that this causes him many health problems. I've been having nightmares because of him. And as this built up and weighed heavy on my mind I got a fucking hemorrhoid. It went away very quickly after I made this video.

I'm feeling anxious as I type this. But I have to tell myself that anyone who would continue harassment of me over all the truth I've spoken is not worth my time or space. This isn't for them. It's for me, and it's for people who still have basic respect and empathy left in them.

Yours truly,

"slug"

[sophieinwonderland]

Just wanna say this somewhere but I feel like people don't understand what "system accountability" actually is. You can't expect a system to fully remember every single thing they've ever done, especially if they have amnesia barriers, and be able to immediately stop their headmates from doing anything bad ever. System accountability should be about putting in place ways to prevent bad things from happening and telling people about what their headmates have done and helping them stop it from happening again, it shouldn't be about attacking one headmates for something another headmate did and completely blaming them and punishing them with all the same consequences that you'd punish a singlet with.

I can't remember anything my headmates did while fronting because I have DID, and I can't control their actions or stop them from fronting because I'm not a gatekeeper (we currently only have two and they rarely ever pay attention to anything). I've had people come to me and say that it's my fault that my headmates did things and I "should've stopped them". They barely even acknowledged that it was my headmates that did things, honestly - their respect of our plurality ended the second someone did anything wrong (including referring to us as one person, calling me by our system name, saying "you did this" when showing me things my headmates did, and telling me that "system accountability" was the reason why they refused to respect that we have DID??).

I don't support people saying "my headmate did that it's not my fault I can't get in trouble for it!!" when their headmates do something wrong. But they should be helped with coming up with ways to prevent bad things from happening in the future, instead of being treated like they're just a singlet who has full control over everything they've ever done. People are supportive of plurals until they actually are completely separate people and aren't just all one person roleplaying for fun able to stop at any time.

I'm sorry you'vebeen treated that way. 💖

My own feelings are mixed and complicated. (For example, if the legal system didn't punish the whole body for actions committed, the whole criminal justice system would breakdown.)

But you don't deserve to have your plurality disregarded and invalidated.

This really goes for a lot of sanism, where neurotypicals are only accepting as long as you act neurotypical. I don’t know the situation, but you deserve people in your life who are willing to show you understanding.

I do think accountability also extends to making ammends though. If you don't feel comfortable accepting responsibility for something a headmate did that hurt someone, you can try to convince whoever is responsible to make things right through whatever communication you use... whether internal or external. (Such as writing notes.)

Sending good thoughts your way. 💖💖💖

[mixu]

I read Milkvan fanfiction so you don't have to

I'm not in the habit of reading Minions the Rise of Gru fanfiction, but yesterday I came across this:

My morbid curiosity is a fatal flaw. I wanted to understand what twisted but fascinating mind was behind this thing. This are the highlights of those 5k words:

The fanfic, while not exactly well-written, was nowhere as bad as how the post above made it seem. That just took it to another level.

The story was supposed to be a character study of Mike, but it's clear the author doesn't understand the characters, like at all.

The story losely takes place during S3 and starts with Michael suffering because Hopper made him lie to El. Which worsens a case of self hate because apparently every time he opens his mouth he hurts one of his friends. Okay there was the It's not my fault you don't like girls line but still, Mike doesn't go around insulting his friends left and right. There's some self-harm thrown in there bc why not. Oh and his friends call him control freak. He has a breakdown, El enters his mind, they wander around his darkest memories they kiss and it's El, the only one who ever tried to understand him, that saves the day.

Now, for some honorable passages:

For all they claim we hate El, I don't think any Byler has made me think of her as a guardian dog as this fic.

I'm not a Ted Wheeler defended but this sounded more like Lonnie to me.

This is how this Mike treats Will. What?

Mike and Lucas fight all the time.

Apparently Mike looked defeated when El dumped his ass.

At least they recognize Milkvan should share other interests aside from making out.

It is a kiss that brings forward Mike's good memories.

They only manage to understand each other after El enters his mind bc communication is for losers.

Everyone is a better person because of El.

All in all, this was anticlimatic. I didn't even get to laugh. If anything, I got to confirm that many Mixtapes don't process what they watch.

Would I do it again? Maybe, if I'm bored enough.

@shreya11111 this was for you and the rest of Bylers who were curious.

[artpharos]

I doubt she'd ever know that I'm going through antidepressant withdrawals. I doubt she'd even care, even though she's the reason I'm on them in the first place. To date, I've spent $4k in mental health support because of her, I've went through 3 years of constant breakdowns and psychosomatic pains, I FINALLY caught depression after years of her trying to convince me I had it, and now I'm going through antidepressant withdrawals with my brain buzzing every minute and she won't even acknowledge that any of what I feel- my anger, my grief, my heartache- is even REAL.

When she first hurt me 3 years ago she begged for me to stay, then said that all my reasons why I was angry at her for hurting me was because I was depressed. That nobody else in the whole goddamn world spotted said depression because I only trusted her the most. Whenever I asked her why she even wanted me in her life, she said she loved my fics and art, and couldn't put into words why she liked me. That she didn't tell people why she liked them AT ALL in case they stopped taking her seriously if she said it too much. So she never told me WHY she 'loved' me; what she even respected about me, something to actually give me some context for her wanting me in her life after she treated me like shit because 'we were so close so I thought you wouldn't take me snapping at you repeatedly seriously'.

So since she can't fucking tell me ANYTHING and just expects me to fucking read her mind cuz communication is for people who aren't close apparently, I think that's bullcrap and she just wanted me around because she didn't like the feeling of being called out for being an asshole. That she truly only ever cared about what I produced or what I gave to her (art, fics, someone to tell her how SMART she is), and not ME as a person. She didn't want to 'learn' how to deal with me if I really did have ADHD lmao and thought I just need to fucking get over my actual friend that I was supporting daily through their mental health struggles dying. Nevermind that my grandpa and another friend have died since I last spoke to her and I am still fine.

She kept talking about how she missed her friend and how I wasn't her friend. Fair enough, her friend would just roll over and suffer with a smile no matter how many times she hurt her. She kept saying how she wanted us to go back to how things used to be.

Truthfully? I wish she would just. Fucking apologise for hurting me all these years. But that's a pipe dream so frankly I just want her to do the fucking bare minimum and acknowledge my feelings are real. But see, if I tell her about my feelings and it hurts her because its not packaged in a nicely logical way, it's emotional manipulation and I intend to hurt her!! So like. Guess to her, nothing I ever feel is real.

She didn't want me to think of her as a horrible person and I didn't, not even after I finally named my pain. But her choosing to walk away, choosing to say none of this is real hence it can't be her fault- I can't still think of her as anything but horrible.

And she gets off scott free from any consequence while I continue to suffer because of her. It's fucked up.

I'll be fine, though. Withdrawals are nothing compared to the three years she put me through.

I wish she could be a better person. She can't, because she already thinks she's God's gift or something. I still wish; every god damn day.

[infinitysgrace]

Anyway, everything’s connected to Reflekdoll

Note that even though I’m using their names, I’m mostly going to be talking about their dynamic as Ladynoir. 

In seasons one and two their dynamic was set up, and we got to see a lot of how Adrien and Marinette play around each other, y’know the usual. You don’t really ever question it aside from the occasional reality check from Gabriel from Gabriel in season 1. They’re partners, they work together, I don’t think I really need to explain season one. Everything’s pretty straightforward which makes sense because it’s only the first season. Nothing’s really happens before Tikki steals the book that challenges the two of theirs relationship to each other. 

Then Volpina happens, and this episode is the start of where their dynamic changes, but neither of them really realize that because they haven’t really changed. How they’re treated by others changes with the introduction of Master Fu as a character that will be somewhat more involved than he was in season one. Now on to season 2 and... ugh...

I could definitely go on a rant about how everything is Fu’s fault and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do because it’s relevant I swear. 

Fu being a fucking awful mentor this season put a rift between them. It put Marinette in a position where she’s gaining information and also gaining the responsibility of keeping that information while not having any guidance on how to handle that responsibility because she’s been barred from telling Adrien anything, and also Fu’s an awful mentor and just shoved jewelry in her face and said “hey figure it out, I’m too traumatized for this although I definitely should’ve thought about that before bringing two children into this nonsense that I indirectly caused.” 

This season also where Adrien’s internal conflicts and his general distrust of adults in power really start coming to the forefront of his character because yeah the kid has no self worth whatsoever and the fact that his first friend outside of Chloe is suddenly keeping more secrets from him than just secret identities, yeah that had to hurt. It’s where on Cat Noir’s side of this, he is able to be hurt by choices that are made, and he doesn’t have the idea that others will treat him like his father does if he fucks up in his head until around Anansi which is kinda late season 2. 

Like it’s always been a fear but it’s over the course of this season where he starts seeing the stuff happening around him as validation for that fear which definitely isn’t helped by the rift Fu’s fuckface created between him and Marinette. Neither of them ever recover from this and it only gets worse from then on. 

Then we have season three. Specifically, Reflekdoll. 

This episode is the first time the flaws of their dynamic caused by the separation what happened in s2 are directly contributing to them having a harder time defeating Reflekdoll. I’ve gone on record saying that my problem with this episode isn’t that they learned the wrong lesson, it’s that they learned a bad lesson that didn’t do anything but fuck them both over because it wasn’t caused by miscommunication like usual problems between them, it was caused by a misunderstanding of what was being communicated because neither of them had the development or self awareness to even be able to understand let alone prevent that, which is so much more complicated and frustrating than miscommunication actually. 

I’ve also gone on record saying that Reflekdoll foreshadowed Adrien’s akumatization by presenting us with the reality that when Adrien feels pressure he shuts down his own thoughts completely and defers to someone he cares about for guidance because he’s never really been allowed to make choices without the influence of others which foreshadows the conflict he had when Gabriel and Marinette were both yelling at him to do conflicting things in Chat Blanc and why he ultimately ended up killing them both and everyone else for that matter. 

I said earlier today that Reflekdoll was the start of the duo’s death spiral, and what I mean is they both came out of this episode reinforcing their old dynamic instead of realizing that the dynamic is the problem and is something that has to change for them to be able to work healthily as partners. Them doubling down on it in this episode is what causes Marinette to double down on overworking herself which resulted in her breakdown by the end of the season. Them doubling down on it in this episode is what makes Adrien start to remove the idea of “himself” from how he’s being treated by people he’s supposed to trust and is really the start of his “blind trust” act because yes it is an act, the alternative is him cutting out everyone in his life except Nino. 

They both walked away from this episode with a genuine misunderstanding of each other that never gets resolved (yet), and now they’re starting to feel the effects of the bullshit that happened in that episode and neither of them know what to do or even understand what’s happening because when it was right in front of their face back in Reflekdoll a wrong turn was made, and now it’s too late to get out of this without burning. 

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

(pt 1) i really enjoy all your atla analyses & you've done a great job breaking down the usual arguments re how eip shows that kataang shouldn't have happened. i'm curious about your take on one specific argument that i just saw today, in an analysis of the show by a zker that was otherwise quite good and respectful (i know you've already talked about eip a lot, so no problem if you don't feel like rehashing). the premise: aang didn't just pressure katara in eip, he threatened her.

(pt 2) they point to when katara joins aang & asks if he’s alright: “aang: no, i’m not! i hate this play! katara: i know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like you’re overreacting. aang: overreacting? if i hadn’t blocked my chakra, i’d probably be in the avatar state right now!” the suggestion is he’s threatening her when he says ‘i’d probably be in the avatar state right now’ to describe his anger. i think this take exaggerates and oversimplifies it, but interested in your thoughts on it.

Hello my friend!! It is true I am Old inside and don’t like rehashing dhdlksjslks BUT your comments on my posts are always incredibly kind and insightful so I am more than willing to do a bit of rehashing for you 🥰 Besides! I’ve seen this general take before a few times and it’s always irked me for the exact reason you point out - it simultaneously exaggerates and oversimplifies the situation (and honestly that’s an impressive duality since it’s seemingly contradictory, so hats off to them lmaooo) - and now is as good a time as any to address it. So, for starters, let’s go ahead and get the excerpt they love to focus on so much:

Cut to Aang standing alone on a balcony. Katara enters and walks up to him.

Katara: Are you all right?

Aang: [Angered.] No, I’m not! I hate this play! [Yanks his hat off and throws it on the ground.]

Katara: I know it’s upsetting, but it sounds like you’re overreacting.

Aang: Overreacting? If I hadn’t blocked my chakra, I’d probably be in the Avatar State right now!

Here’s the thing about so-called analyses of this excerpt: in a manner extremely convenient to the poster, they never seek to contextualize this moment. (I mean, to do so would deplatform their entire “argument” - perhaps that’s why they avoid performing a full analysis?) So let’s avoid that pitfall from the start.

Firstly, below are some links to related posts; I’m going to do my best to summarize the most relevant parts, but for anyone who desires greater detail, I gotchu 😤

This post explains why EIP (the play, lol) is imperialist propaganda and is intended to belittle the entire Gaang.

This post explains how Aang never acted “entitled” to Katara’s affections, particularly in regard to EIP.

This post breaks down the infamous EIP kiss like Snopes Fact Checker, covering common misconceptions, important perspectives to consider, etc.

Alright. With that out the way, it’s time for some context.

Aang and Katara have this conversation on the balcony after watching 95% of “The Boy in the Iceberg,” a play chock-full of Fire Nation propaganda that demeans the entire Gaang in order to prop up the Fire Nation as superior (hence why the play ends with Ozai’s victory). Here is my general breakdown of Aang and Katara’s treatment in particular from a previous post:

- katara, an indigenous woman, is highly sexualized and portrayed as overly dramatic and tearful, because the fire nation objectifies women not of their own people and views them as less intelligent and less emotionally stable

- aang, the avatar, the sole survivor of the fire nation’s genocide of the air nomads who is incredibly in-touch with his spirituality and femininity, is portrayed as an overly-airy and immature woman. the fire nation portrays him with a female actor to demean him (like, that’s classic imperialistic propagandist tactics) and furthermore writing his character as a childish airhead reinforces the fire nation sentiment that the air nomads were weak, foolish people who did not deserve to exist in their world

In other words, these kids have just watched almost an entire play that preys upon their insecurities and depicts them using racist and sexist stereotypes about their respective nations. It is completely understandable that tensions might run a little high and that their interactions would not be as balanced as usual (Katara and Aang have a great track record of communicating well with each other, as it happens!).

So we have to keep that in mind when examining the aforementioned excerpt. But there are other factors to consider, too! Namely: they are kids. Children. Teens. Aang is 12, Katara is 14.

If we want to be scientific, a person’s brain doesn’t finish developing until they are 25, lmao, and the preteen/teen years are when the prefrontal cortex that controls “rationality,” “judgement,” “forethought,” etc. is still developing. This doesn’t mean Aang and Katara are irrational and make poor decisions 24/7 (obviously not), but it does mean that in an intense, highly emotional situation, like after watching a play that intentionally demeans them and depicts them as inferior, they are more likely to overreact, more likely to be emotional, and more likely to make mistakes. Like, I’m serious, lol. “Teens process information with the amygdala.” That’s part of the brain that helps control emotions! It’s why teens sometimes struggle to articulate what we’re thinking, especially in situations that require instinct/impulse and quick decisions, because we’re really feeling whenever we make those choices. Acting more on emotion. Our brains simply haven’t finished developing the decision-making parts, lmao.

In sum: Aang and Katara are both kids, not adults, and should be interpreted as such. This doesn’t negate their intelligence, because they are both incredibly smart and Aang is arguably the wisest of the Gaang, but they are human. Young humans. They have emotions, and we should not be so cruel as to assume they’d never act on them.

So taking that all together, we can now acknowledge the high stress Aang and Katara are under, understand why they might be upset (*cough* imperialist propaganda is hurtful *cough*), and examine how their youth might play into their emotional reactions. And funny thing - all analyses that come to the conclusion of Aang “threatening” Katara here do not usually bother with this context. I can’t imagine why!

And you know what, let’s add one more piece of context: Sokka states that Aang left the theater “like, ten minutes ago,” which is what cues Katara to go look for him on the balcony. The reason I mention this line is because to me, it suggests Aang knew he was more worked up than usual! He chose to separate himself from his friends so he could process his frustration! He did not take his anger at the play out on them; instead, he purposefully took time and space to be alone.

With that in mind, I don’t understand at all how Aang’s Avatar state quote could be interpreted as a threat? Canonly, Aang is someone who was aware enough of his frustration to separate himself from the others - yet the logical next step is him threatening Katara as a result? He knew his intense emotions were because of the play (which he says himself), so the logical conclusion is that he then pinned the fault on Katara? What?? Sorry, that interpretation has no textual basis, lmao. But I digress!

Aang tells Katara, “If I hadn’t blocked my chakra, I’d probably be in the Avatar State right now!” As you said, this is the line people point to in an attempt to justify their (baseless) conclusion that Aang is “threatening” Katara. So let’s bring in the two key pieces of context: imperialist propaganda and age. Given that Aang is 12, and given that Aang has just watched almost a full play that demeans him and everything his people stood for (and let’s not forget it also mocks his and Katara’s love for each other)…

His reaction is understandable. An exaggeration and needlessly dramatic, but understandable. He feels vulnerable and insecure and Aang is human. He is human and flawed and he overreacts here and I love that A:TLA shows how even our heroes, even people who are truly good at heart and in soul, can get overly upset (especially given the aforementioned circumstances!). Would Aang actually be in the Avatar state at that moment, had it been possible? Of course not! He’s young and he’s hurt and as such he says something dramatic to convey his anxieties and frustrations. The line is not meant to be taken literally, and seeing people do so despite all the factors that should be taken into consideration when analyzing it… Cue a long, tired sigh from me and so many other A:TLA fans.

And to be honest? I cannot fathom how people watch this episode and come to the conclusion that Aang is “threatening” Katara. To me, this episode - besides being a recap episode - is one that humanizes our cast even further. Aang snaps at Katara, kisses her when he shouldn’t (which the story appropriately treats as wrong). Katara pushes down her true feelings and retreats into herself, afraid to start a relationship with the boy she loves because she’s already lost him once before and can’t bear to do so again. Zuko further confronts the hurt he’s enacted upon others, especially upon Iroh. Toph practices being vulnerable and accepting vulnerability from others by conversing with Zuko. Sokka witnesses how others have erased his contributions and labelled him as nothing more than the token nonbender in the group. Even Suki learns that she is not the only person who holds a place in Sokka’s heart and that she can never replace what he has lost.

To watch this episode where our heroes must come to terms with how the Fire Nation deems them inherently inferior, with how they have more fights to overcome in the future with the Fire Nation than a single war, and to come to the conclusion that… that what, Aang is abusive? A monster? Irredeemable? That he would threaten his best friend, someone he loves in every way?

Wow. That says more than enough about the viewer, doesn’t it?

[bubsdolan]

Can we get the next part to clingy please? I’m obsessed with that fic :)

{clingy gray masterlist}

“YOU KISSED MY GIRLFRIEND!”

“ex girlfriend grayson, im your ex girlfriend!” 

grayon’s deadly grip on his brothers body was instantly released. ethans feet touching the ground with a sigh of relief as he rubs at the now tender skin of his neck, where an imprint of his brothers hand now sat. ethan swallowed the lump in his throat as he flashed you a small smile in gratitude, coming in at the right time and saving him from a bad temper ready to burst and could potentially do real damage. like you normally did, you were the calm grayson needed whenever he felt a storm brewing, yet as of right now, you are the storm.

grayson was in disbelief, pressing the palms of his hands roughly into his eyes and rubbing servel times to try and abrub the sight in front of him. he was frozen in place when he reopened his eyes, blinking a few times to get rid of the little white dots in his vision and make sure you were still there, not a figment of his imagination. you came back for him.

“y/n, baby i-” grayon reached out to try and grab you. his hands fighting a gravitational force to the one thing he needed more than anything in his life. he needed to hold you and feel your warm delicate skin agasint his fingers after so many horrible and earth shattering weeks apart. he longed for the moment you would run back into his arms, shower him with kisses and forget the drama in your relationship ever existed. 

however, when you retracted your steps, distancing yourself further from him as you shield your body from his ever so inviting hands, avoiding his gaze when you turned to look at ethan instead- something inside grayson switched for the second time that night. his head bouncing between you and his brother, who appeared to be making silent communication, he was not apart of, with your eyes. grayson’s fists clenching at his sides, vein protruding from his forehead as he let out an almost evil, vemuous laugh. 

“oh i see what's going on here-” grayons gestures towards the pair of you, chest puffing out as he tried to make himself look as intimidating as possible. needing to feel like he has all the control and power over the room even though he was by far the strongest.

“you’re not here for me,” grayson sends draggers in your direction, running his hands through his already matted hair as he chuckles in realisation. his heart dropping as he tried to convince himself what he thought was true- his mind playing cruel malicious tricks on him. 

“what are you talking about? i came back for you, grayson! to hopefully sort it and get back to the place we were before all this shit happened. when we were happy-“

“YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH MY OWN BROTHER!” in the months you had been dating, grayson had never once raised his voice at you, never once lost his temper or directed his anger towards you. but at the way his eyes pierced dangerously into yours, his red and angry face meters from your own as his body trapped you between his intimidating build and the wall of the place you once called home.

it was the first time you were scared of grayson, terrified even. this wasn’t your grayson, the man you feel in love with, who stole your heart and made you whole. this was a monster of a man, a villain you didn't recognise and one you wished to never encounter again.

normally you would fight your corner, like you had done the entire time you were seemly at war with the dolan brothers, but right now grayson made you feel weak. he left you speechless and unable to defend yourself at the wild accusations he had created for himself. the way his body pushed agasint your own, send shivers down your spine- and certainly not in a good way.

when he lifted his hand up to run this fingers through his disentangled hair, you flinched and curled yourself deeper into your body for protection. a reaction you instantly regretted when you saw grayson’s face drop, a deep set frown appear on his features as his eyes soften briefly. for a minute you through he was going to breakdown and cry, or even apologise for his outburst, comfort you and wash away your insecurities, but all he did was push himself off you and walk away. shoulder bumping agasin ethan in aggression as within seconds you hear the heavy slam on his bedroom door.

you felt paralysed, tears welling in your eyes, fingers shaking as you certainly didn’t expect your return to cause this much of a uproar. this much fear and sheer panic.

“i’ll talk to him,” you feel ethan’s somewhat calming presence on your shoulder, giving it a small squeeze of reassurance before sending you a warm smile he knew wouldn’t be enough to redo all the hurt and pain he caused. you nod your head, wrapping your arms around yourself as all you could do was stand there, staring down at your feet to prevent yourself from breaking down. no words could escape your lips, you were stunned into slience for the first time in forever. broken.

“bro,” ethan takes a steady, clausius approach when entering grayson’s room. making sure to knock first before bursting in like he normally would. in any normal circumstances he would slap him brother upside the head for treating you with such disrespect - but this was far from normal and he knew he was to blame for all of it.

“fuck off, e.” grayson growled. not even acknowledging ethan when he doesn’t look up from the floor, images of the fear in your eyes haunting him. he was sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as his knees shook with anger. he saw red, letting his anger out on you, scaring you, making you believe he would ever harm you. grayson would never forgive him.

“bro listen to me, please,” ethan pleads with his younger brother, not moving a muscle from his position by the foot of his bed, besides to close the door and give the bothers some privacy. you had gone through enough and ethan wasn’t sure how this conversation was going to go. this was to save you another heartbreak incase grayson wiped his hands with not only him, but you.

ethan watched as grayson slowly met his gaze with a hard darkened one, cracking his knuckles as he took a deep breath and gave his older brother the attention he wanted. if you couldn’t get through to grayson, ethan was the next best person, but when grayson opened his mouth, he should have senesed his outburst approaching and backed down immediately.

“no, you listen to me ethan, this is all your fault! if you never would have opened your big mouth- fuck i might have just lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me. you- you did this!” grayson pointed his finger aggressively at ethan, watching him shutter and gulp as he was overcome with guilt.

all ethan could do was look down in shame. everything grayson was saying was true. he caused your heartbreak, he caused his brother’s world to collapse around him, he caused the broken relationship he now shared with his twin- his once bestfriend and soulmate. he took hit after hit as grayson finally spilled every last ounce of emotion he has been bottling up.

“why bro, why? could you not stand to see me happy just this once! finally something good, something of my own and you go and fuck it up for me! why-“

“it should have been me! i thought i loved h-her,” ethan breaks down at the truth, stalling grayson from his rage as he was frozen in his position meters away, eyes glancing to the door in hopes you weren’t able to hear the words they were exchanging. the words out loud made him feel sick to his stomach. his brother ‘loved’ his girlfriend and wished you were his happily ever after- how did it all end up going so wrong.

grayson wanted to scream at ethan, punch him, even though him out the house and his life, but when he witnessed the sobs, the vicious shaking and breakdown from his bestfriend, he broke too. call it twin telepathy, but he felt his pain.

grayson had to be the bigger man if he ever wanted a normal relationship with his brother, or if he even had the chance to rekindle your relationship- one that without, life simply wasn’t worth living.

“do you still love her?” grayson’s voice broke. not wanting to know the answer to the question, yet needing to in order to push past this. ethan’s answer was make or break for the three of you.

“i did, no- i, i thought i did, grayson, but bro, believe me i don’t anymore. i watched how happy you are with her bro, i watch how she makes you laugh, makes you smile, makes you the best version of you and i was jealous-“

ethan gradually moved closer to the bed, hesitant to sit down next to grayson and continue what had been bubbling up since the day you walked out all those weeks ago. grayson didn’t budge, giving ethan the green light to make himself more comfortable in the bed and beg for his brother’s forgiveness.

“i was in love with the thought of being loved. all my past relationships never worked out, i always got used and walked all over, but with y/n, she felt different. she isn’t with you for the money, the fame, or your name. she’s with you because she loves you bro, more than ive ever seen a person love anybody.”

ethan is cut off by grayson cries, his head hitting ethans chest as he clutches onto his shirt and simply just shakes. the fact he brother had admitted to witnessing the love you and grayson shared, it made him hate himself even more for everything you had been through. all your fights, arguments and breakdowns weren’t worth it. you needed each other, more than you needed air to survive.

“she loves you bro, fight for her.” ethan hugs his brother close. a sense of relief watching over him at the somewhat feeling of normality coming back. it felt good to be this close to him, to hold him and be the big brother he always promised to be.

he lefts grayson cry into his body for what felt like hours, shushing him and reassuring him that you- the person losing her mind in the living room listening to grayson’s cries, wanting nothing more to run in there and kiss all his worries away- was his endgame.

“ethan, thank you.” grayson wipes his eyes, composing himself to face you and put right everything that went horribly wrong. ethan was right, he needed to fight for you, not with you.

ethan padded grayson’s back, sending him a real genuine smile and bringing him in for one last bone crushing hug he missed and would never take for granted again. happy to have his partner in crime back.

“go get your girl back, bro.”

[eolewyn1010]

Talking about Encanto - Alma

Alma Madrigal, aka Abuela, is a complicated character. I like her development and that she gets confronted about her bullshit and it gets her thinking. But wow, for a sympathetic character, I do have reservations.

Yes, I know she isn't a villain. I'll never claim she's evil. But the sheer amount of damage this woman has done is baffling, and I think she gets away easily. Not in way of consequences, because the consequence of shitty behavior can only be to stop it and to do better, but in way of how she is framed as being fully benevolent. "Oh yeah, that gaslighter that keeps preventing healthy communication within your family is ultimately well-meaning"... that's not an unambiguously unproblematic take. Let's delve into things:

Blame-shifting

Hypocrisy

Gaslighting

First, whatever goes wrong, Mirabel's to blame. Or Bruno. Mirabel didn't get a gift? She did something wrong, obviously! Bruno leaves home? That's Mirabel's fault - and also, he doesn't care about the family (I'll come back to that later). Luisa has trouble with her magic? Mirabel's fault, even if she, in Alma's view, isn't connected to the family magic at all and should logically have no way of influencing it. Isabela runs around in a look that contradicts her picture of perfect and graceful femininity, wants to explore her abilities and doesn't want to marry that guy? Horrible! Unthinkable! Mirabel's fault!

"Pedro, open my eyes" - lady, open your eyes yourself! You haven't spoken to your son in ten years and have no idea where he is or how he is or if he is still alive! A son that, might I add, even then needed your emotional support and apparently didn't get it. One of your daughters is a nervous bundle of anxiety! One of your granddaughters serves as your freaking scapegoat for everything that goes wrong, another is on the verge of a breakdown because you're endorsing the entire town to think of her as a house slave! And your favorite, your precious Isabela you spend so much time cooing over? Seems you never asked her if she even wants to marry this guy, or marry at all, and she's miserable! And that's only speaking of Julieta's kids because Pepa's kids are out of focus, so I don't know how Alma's upbringing might have wrecked them. Although I imagine that's not far-off, what with Antonio getting an amazing gift and Alma's first thought is to put him to work. He is FIVE! For years, that woman is completely incapable of reflecting on her own actions - or of taking responsibility for anything that happens, seeing as she puts initiative on her dead husband's soul. Which is not great for a family matriarch and town's leader. Or for an adult, for that matter.

Second, the hypocrisy. Remember when in her argument with Mirabel she was like, "Bruno left because of you!" and then two seconds later, she said, "Bruno didn't care about this family!" So, which is it? Five-year-old Mirabel drove him out or he left because he didn't care? Alma doesn't care that her explanation makes no sense, it's just that Bruno and Mirabel make for nice scapegoats. Which is interesting because Mirabel doesn't have a gift, but Bruno does. And she treats them both basically as persona non grata. Bruno - we don't talk about Bruno. Mirabel - step aside and let the rest of the family shine. So her bullshit about Mirabel acting out and hurting the family because she doesn't have a gift is just that, utter bullshit, because Bruno has a gift and used it for the townsfolk, and that apparently didn't stop Alma from disapproving of him, her baby boy, and contributing to his isolation. Her making her love for Mirabel conditional on Mirabel being magically gifted makes no sense when looking at how she talks (or doesn't talk) about Bruno.

And there's - Alma doesn't have a magical gift herself. Sure, the house grew around her and she got a pretty glowing door, but what she didn't get is a gift. Her sons-in-law, Felix and Agustín, didn't get any, either. (Interestingly, while marriage doesn't do the trick, adoption does, according to the creators. Neat.) Is she on their asses all the time? Does she exclude them from family photos? Does she give them the stink eye for daring to interact with a family member in need of support (Antonio and Luisa, respectively)? And Alma, what do you do for the family, the household, the town? Sweeping the floor because that's something a non-magical person can do? Well, Mirabel helps in the kitchen and takes care of her little cousin because that's something a non-magical person can do - she does her best to help wherever she can, so why does Alma think herself better or more worthy than her granddaughter in that regard? Because of the glowy door? You think you're so useful, how about you go and herd donkeys so Luisa has that stupidity off her plate? Nah, encourage the town's people to never do anything by themselves, let them depend on the Madrigals for every shit they should be able to do themselves. While Alma, the guarding deity, has the sole job of being present and representative? Eh.

And finally, the gaslighting. That's the one that could qualify as a dealbreaker for me. The other two things are based on Alma's amazing lack of awareness, but the gaslighting? That is extremely aware. She shuts Mirabel's worries down and then is like, "yeah, the kid probably had a sip of a drink", making her a laughingstock because that one time when Mirabel was humiliated before the entire town at age five was not enough. And then we learn that she knew the entire time that the house did have cracks, knew Mirabel was fully in the right when Alma publicly invalidated her. Oh my God.

It's not just Mirabel who gets invalidated. Luisa feels overtaxed? Nonsense, she just needs to keep working - and her sister telling her she should take it easy for once is bad and must be forbidden. Isabela feels like not looking like the perfect flower fairy princess today? She's out of control, that's not normal behavior - and keep that sister away from her that tells her self-expression is a healthy thing. Pepa isn't sunshine and daisies at all times? Please, girl, get it together, how dare you have negative emotions. How dare anyone around have negative emotions? With both her sisters, Mirabel is working against the grip Alma's grooming has on their ability to handle their feelings and needs, and Alma is always around to shit on her for that. Honestly, if she treated Bruno that way, he probably was totally isolated already when he left. Mirabel and Bruno acknowledge truths that are incovenient for Alma, and thus she disparages them. That is the one thing I think she got away too easily for, the gaslighting for the sake of the perfect Madrigal image.

I get that her background is extremely traumatizing, that her loss was terrible and that she's afraid of losing a home and loved ones again. I get that the central plot of this movie was her learning to better herself and deal with her past so her family could get over the mess of the previous years. But watching her actively shut down any expression of what she perceives as non-perfection because she equates her home with the family being infallible beyond every human standard, shitting on everyone whose existence suggests otherwise, that's still incredibly hurtful. No, she's not a monster - far from it; she's very human. Yes, her grief and fear make me wanna understand her. But damn, how she treated her family, that sucks. Alma, when Mirabel didn't get her gift, what should have alarmed you wasn't that the candle flickered - it was that the first thing you did was ask about the future of the magic instead of going to look after your very distressed grandchild. THAT would have been taking care of your family.

Please do better.

[gumnut-logic]

Scott had a cat.

He had no idea how he had a cat. It just appeared one day under his pilot’s chair in One.

He had been returning from Egypt where he had had to locate and yank yet another lost tourist out of the Sahara. After dropping the dehydrated man off at the local hospital, he had quite gratefully plotted a flight plan for Tracy Island.

Halfway home he nearly fell out of his chair when something started chewing on his left boot.

The innocence in the green eyes looking up at him came across as anything but.

He would have returned it to Egypt, but Virgil found out about the spotted monstrosity before he could and would have killed him if he left it in the desert.

So, he had a cat.

And cats needed veterinary care.

So, this was how he found himself standing at the reception desk of a vet surgery in England. It was highly recommended by Penelope, apparently Sherbet approved.

Virgil had hounded him into it, of course. The big softy had been completely enamoured by the feral ball of fluff from the moment he laid eyes on her. Scott would have let him have the little varmit, but the cat - who was still simply called ‘The Cat’ despite his brother’s protests - had decided to sleep on his face every night, no matter how many locked doors lay between him and the feline.

Apparently, she was His Cat.

Gordon, of course, tried to lure her away with nibbles and treats...until she discovered his fish tanks and several of his prize pets went missing.

There was yelling after that.

Scott was forced to keep The Cat away from Gordon. There was mention of a cat skin hat and Scott was only half sure the aquanaut was kidding.

Virgil played with her and The Cat appeared to tolerate the engineer.

She hated Alan.

No-one knew why The Cat had such a dislike for the youngest Tracy. The moment she set eyes on him, it was all spiky fur fluffed out to make her appear twice her size, claws deployed, and hissing and snarling enough to melt the paintwork off the walls.

Suffice it to say that Alan was rarely in her presence.

But regardless of who liked The Cat, apparently, she was Scott’s and according to Virgil, that meant he had to look after her.

As he approached the reception desk, The Cat eyed him through the cat box Virgil had jimmied together. Green eyes challenged him.

But he had been challenged by green eyes before so he was used to it. His own eyes must have communicated something back, because she meowed at him.

Somewhat pitifully.

“Can I help you, sir?”

He glanced up, embarrassed to have been caught communing with the devil. The young nurse behind the counter smiled up at him. Her badge had the name Mia written on it. “Uh, hi. I have an appointment under the name ‘Tracy’.”

The nurse smiled at him again before turning to the computer and pulling up a file. “Yes, Mr Tracy. The vet will be ready for you shortly. Please take a seat.” She gestured to the waiting room.

Unfortunately, the room was half full...of both people and animals.

He nodded in her direction. “Thank you, ma’am.” And turned to face his fellow pet owners.

As with all waiting rooms several people looked up as he entered, cat cage in hand. He could see their assessments in their eyes. The woman on the right with a lap dog wrapped in a pink cardigan eyed The Cat with distaste. Probably because The Cat could inhale her dog by accident.

The older man two seats over smiled a toothless smile at Scott and patted the ferret sitting on his shoulder.

A little girl with her mother was holding a wire cage with a green budgerigar inside. The bird appeared to be having a nervous breakdown. Most likely caused by the St Bernard sitting next to it, eyeing it with a great deal of interest.

Scott found a spot between two empty chairs and folded himself into it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t a people person. Far from it, he enjoyed conversation and gatherings. It wasn’t that he wasn’t an animal person. He grew up on a farm, for crying out loud.

It was just…

Well…he hadn’t had any say in this and The Cat was bossing him around.

There. He admitted it.

He could hear Virgil laughing from here.

“That’s a pretty cat you’ve got yourself there.”

“Huh?” Oh, just classy, Mr Commander President Sir. “Oh, uh, yes, thank you.”

The woman smiled a set of glossy red lips at him, dipping her eyelashes just a little.

Scott blinked and a little heat headed both north and south as he realised that she was wearing little more than a jacket over a leopard print bikini.

And the view was…extensive.

“Have you had him long?”

“Her. No. This is our first visit.” As if to punctuate that statement The Cat hissed at the woman.

Surprisingly, she didn’t flinch or edge away. “Oh, you just have some spark, little one, don’t you.” And to Scott’s surprise, she dared to wave a finger within reach of The Cat.

“I wouldn’t do that.”

But long, pink nails slipped through the wire mesh and tickled The Cat under the chin.

The Cat, the little shit, started purring.

Until a reptilian head slid out from underneath the woman’s jacket and flicked its tongue at her.

The Cat let out a very undignified squawk and flung itself to the far side of its box and nearly tipped it off Scott’s lap. It was a fortunate accident that hid Scott’s reaction to the large snake now uncurling and extending its snout curiously in his direction.

“You have a snake.” Scott had a sudden and profound empathy for Gordon’s uncomfortable relationship with reptiles.

“Oh, that’s Jerry.” She patted the snake. “He’s feeling a bit off today. Aren’t you, sweetie? That’s why we’re here.” A wet, red kiss was dealt to the scales on the back of the snake’s head.

“He’s...uh...respectable.”

“Yes, he’s a big boy. Aren’t you, Jez. Such a big boy.” The woman was nuzzling the snake with her nose.

The snake did not appear impressed.

Scott did his best not to edge away from her. Fortunately, she was called in by the nurse a moment later.

Scott did not miss the amused smirk on the young nurse’s face.

Hmm, so snake lady was a regular who provided entertainment. Scott straightened in his seat.

The Cat chirped at him.

“You shut up.”

The Cat snickered. It could only be called that. He glared down at the box and the spotted menace gazed innocently back up at him before meowing.

This was all Virgil’s fault. “Should have dumped you in the desert.”

“Sir, how could you possibly consider that?! He’s adorable.” And again, Scott found his cat box the subject of attention via fingers, these ones with pink fingernails considerably shorter than the last set.

He looked up to find a middle-aged woman gazing adorably at The Cat. The difference this time was as she sat down, a cat box appeared on her lap too.

The Cat immediately became more interested and the eye lasers between the two boxes was almost physical.

“Uh, she’s a she.”

“And a beautiful girl, too. Just look at those spots. Did you go to Egypt for the breed? I hear they are very rare.”

Scott blinked. “Excuse me?” How did she know the cat was from Egypt? Lady Penelope had had to pull quite a few strings to get The Cat into England. Scott’s usual haunts of Australia and New Zealand took one look and gave him a firm ‘no’. One of the downsides of his sudden pet parenthood was the lack of a vet on their island. Crossing borders with an animal was a little bit different from crossing borders with a Thunderbird. Fortunately, Penelope had her ways and here he was.

But how was it obvious The Cat had come from Egypt?

“Oh, but she’s an Egyptian Mau, isn’t she? Those spots are absolutely gorgeous.”

Scott peered at The Cat. The smugness on the denizen of evil had to be a coincidence. But yes, she was a spotty cat. “Honestly, I’m not sure.”

“Really? My Dora is only a Russian Blue, but I adore her anyway. You should find out. You might have an expensive cat.” She frowned. “You didn’t get her from one of those black market types, did you?”

A blink. “Uh, no.”

“I should hope not. There are some people on this planet who do not deserve the honour of life.”

Scott didn’t comment on that.

“Mr Tracy?” Mia the nurse was smiling at him from across the room. “The Vet will see you now.”

Oh, thank god.

He stood up a little faster than necessary and the nurse raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay, sir?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine.”

The Cat snorted.

How the hell did a cat snort? He restrained himself from a retort and followed the young woman from the room.

A corridor and a couple of doors later, she ushered him into an examination room. She pointed to a chair. Please take a seat. The vet will be in shortly.”

He did as he was told, sitting on one of two seats in the corner. At the centre sat a metal table obviously for examination.

The nurse set herself up at a computer station on the far side of the small room. He did not fail to notice that she kept eyeing him from time to time.

He was about to say something when a ball of bustling energy burst into the room. Short, compact with a craze of dark curls, the white coated woman hurried up to him. “Mr Tracy, oh my god, it is such a privilege to meet you!” She grabbed his hand before he was even halfway out of his seat. Oh god, a fan.

“Nice to meet you, Doctor…?”

“Oh, I’m Dr Sal Virgilio.” She gazed up at him in only what could be called adoration before apparently snapping herself out of it and diverting to the cat box. “And who do we have today?”

Scott blinked at her name. “Uh, my cat needs a check-up.” He held the box so the small woman could see inside.

The hiss that erupted from its depths wasn’t encouraging.

“Well, you are a spritely one. Let’s get you out on the examination table.” She looked up at him. “What’s the name?”

“Scott.”

She grinned. “The cat’s name, Mr Tracy.”

“Oh, um, Cat?”

The woman had brown eyes very similar to Virgil’s and they seemed to sprout a similar exasperation to his brother’s. To the nurse across the room. “Mia, open a file for Cat Tracy.”

Scott lifted the cat box onto the examination table as directed and cautiously opened the door.

The Cat peered out at him for a moment before stalking out slowly and regally, green eyes taking in the entire room before latching onto the vet.

Laser eyes zapped the poor woman dead where she stood.

But apparently, the vet was used to that kind of weapon because she ignored it. “Okay, little one, let’s check you out.”

The meow The Cat let out could only be described as a threat.

“Really?”

Scott found himself with a gentle hand on The Cat’s back, her fur soft under his fingers as her body twitched. “Uh, she can be touchy.” He hoped he didn’t have to save the vet from his own cat.

“That’s okay, we just need to get to know each other a little better.”

She took a step back and held out a hand, murmuring soft words. The Cat continued to eye her as a threat, but her twitching stilled somewhat.

The vet waited for The Cat to respond.

She waited a while.

A long while.

But eventually, The Cat leant over to sniff her fingers. The vet smiled. “That’s right, honey.”

The Cat opened her mouth and bit the closest finger.

Dr Virgilio jumped back with a squawk. The Cat growled and every hair on her body stuck out at right angles.

“Oi! Stop that!” It was Scott’s turn to growl.

She turned her head and glared up at him. Her entire body dared him to follow through and try to stop her.

His hand was still on her back, so he began stroking hair down. “The doctor is just here to help you.”

Said doctor was rifling through medical supplies looking for a plaster.

“It’s okay, Mr Tracy. Some pets can be difficult during examination.” She swabbed her finger with alcohol and wrapped it up. “She just needs time to acclimate.”

“Can I try?” The nurse on the other side of the room actually had her hand up.

“Sure, Mia. Have at it.”

Mia smiled at Scott again. That smile bugged Scott. It was like she knew something he didn’t.

And apparently she did, because one minute later, she had The Cat purring under her touch. “You are a beautiful girl, aren’t you.” Fingers rubbed The Cat under her chin and she closed her eyes in pleasure.

Scott just stared. Virgil was the only other person to have managed that. She was Scott’s cat, but she was very clear with her boundaries as to what he was allowed to do with her.

Dr Virgilio frowned. “Well, Mia, I think this one is yours. She appears to accept you.”

The Cat hissed at the vet.

“Hey, lovely, that’s just Sal. She’s a teddy bear, don’t you worry.”

The Cat glared up Mia in challenge before snarling at Sal again.

The vet just shrugged. “She knows who she likes. Mia, start a general exam while I fire up the scanner.”

“Yes, Dr Virgilio.”

It was weird hearing that name used on someone else. ‘Virgil’ wasn’t that common. It rarely happened that they came across someone with the same name, and this was only a surname.

Still weird.

The Cat eyed Mia as she began methodically checking her over starting from her nose and working over her body in the direction of her tail. The nurse continued to mutter nonsense comfort words, interspersed with medical reportage to the doctor fiddling with settings on a scanner built into the table top.

Scott recognised the equipment, having used similar in their infirmary, but this one was likely the reverse of why Virgil claimed he couldn’t play vet with their equipment. Sure, his brother had checked The Cat over, even read up on medical procedure for cats, but he had made it very clear he was not a vet.

“She looks healthy, Mr Tracy. Good coat, good muscle tone. Ooh, we have one chipped claw.” The nurse peeled back the fur between The Cat’s left front foot. The tip of one claw could be clearly seen to be missing.

Scott frowned. “How could that have happened?”

Dr Virgilio leaned over to look and The Cat snarled, backing away into Scott.

“Hold still, lovely.” Mia held onto her paw. “Looks to be an old injury.” The nurse looked up at Scott. “You don’t remember this happening?”

“I’ve only had her a short time.” Though it felt much longer.

“Well, it appears to have healed well. Just keep an eye on it.” Dr Virgilio was keeping her distance and attempting to eye the issue at hand.

The Issue at Hand glared at her and snarled.

“Stop that!”

To Scott’s surprise, The Cat actually jumped before turning to look up at him, her eyes narrow.

“Come now, lovely, let’s finish this exam. Then you can snuggle up in your Dad’s lap.”

It was Scott’s turn to be startled. It wasn’t the first time he had been referred to as a parent. Hell, he’d given up correcting Alan’s friends when they were younger. But it had been a while and ‘dad’ would always be a trigger word.

The Cat looked at him again, but this time there was no challenge, just puzzlement.

What was The Cat thinking? She was harder to understand than Alan on a sugar high. Harder than Virgil lost in engineerese or Gordon babbling about fish.

Even harder than John coming home from school and refusing to talk.

The closest comparison was Kayo glaring at him in anger, black eye and all, that time she had gotten into a fight at school defending Alan. It had taken Scott a long time to realise that Kayo used anger as a defence when in truth she was terrified, be it for herself or another.

They both had green eyes.

Great, his sister was a cat.

Nurse Mia finished up the exam while he sat pondering the concepts of pet parenthood versus caring for his family.

The Cat continued to glance up at him and poke at his soul.

She only swiped at the vet one more time and Scott caught her paw. “No, Cat.”

She glared at him, but the paw in his hand relaxed and he let it go.

“She definitely has a connection with you, Mr Tracy. How long have you had her?” The vet frowned up at him.

“Er, a couple of weeks.”

“How are you managing to care for her around your occupation?”

He straightened. “My occupation?”

“You are Scott Tracy, Commander of International Rescue, President of Tracy Industries, are you not? I’m thinking your time is at a premium.”

“We operate as a family, Dr Virgilio. There is always someone available to care for all family members.” Okay, so he had just declared the spawn of evil a family member, but then Alan and Gordon were part of the same family so it was nothing new.

And besides, The Cat tolerated Grandma almost as much as she did Virgil. It was a wise move. Grandma couldn’t burn cat food, after all, and she was often the only one available to feed her.

The vet switched on the scanner and The Cat jumped again as a hologram appeared above her head. The hologram immediately became the enemy and The Cat attacked. Fortunately or unfortunately, the hologram moved as she did, so each time she reached up, so did the hologram.

Mia the nurse was glared at as she tried to hold her still. “C’mon, lovely, you are doing so well.”

The Cat merrowed in protest.

“Yes, well, it has to be done to make sure you are well.”

Dr Virgilio was eyeing the read outs. “She looks well. Body systems appear healthy. She is an entire female, so you will have to consider sterilisation.” She ran her fingers over the controls and the hologram changed, shifting scan. She noted a few things.

Scott, more used to the human form, frowned at the display. It looked like he should be able to understand it, but couldn’t. Nothing was quite in the right place.

“She’s not microchipped. Are you aware of any vaccination history?”

Scott’s shoulders dropped just a little, shaking his head. “I have no knowledge of her medical history.”

“Then we will prep the full spectrum. Mia, could you prepare?”

“Yes, Sal.”

And Scott suddenly found his arms full of pissed off feline as Mia gently let her go. She climbed up his shirt and stabbed him with her claws through the thin material. Her face was suddenly in his and those green eyes pleading.

Time froze for a moment, his memory taking him back to a young Kayo so angry, so scared, clinging to her father’s pants as his Dad introduced her to him and his brothers.

The Cat had that same expression and his heart lurched. He found his arms around her. “It’s okay.” He drew her close.

“Mr Tracy, I have to warn you that she is unlikely to react well to the procedure.”

“Needles?” He sighed when she nodded. “I have four younger brothers, doctor. It won’t be the first time.”

Alan had been the hardest. He was responsible for his youngest brother at the age of eleven. There had been enough inoculations and blood tests to tackle that he had become experienced. Didn’t make it any easier to see his littlest brother hurting.

Gordon was a whole different kettle of fish. Gordon had already been to hell and back several times so needles were disregarded as nothing. At least that was what he wanted everyone else to believe. Scott knew better. Every medical procedure risked triggering unpleasant memories so all needles were treated warily.

John hid, but once persuaded, took it all stoically and logically and why would I neglect such an important medical procedure, Scott?

Ironically, it was Virgil who was the worst. For a man who literally practised medicine, the most pedantic in chasing up everyone else, the bear was a wuss when it came to needles.

Scott was the one who had to hunt him down and it often took Gordon’s muscles as well as his own to wrestle the man into a tetanus shot. Grandma frowned every time and shook her head. It was like the medic had two brains, one logical and the other manic.

Kayo, on the other hand, would walk up, roll up her sleeve and take the shot without a problem, and then spend the rest of the day in a foul mood. There had been both furniture and Tracy casualties in the past.

The Cat snuggled against his chest, the odd pitiful sound emitting against the cotton of his shirt.

As for himself, he had never been a fan of needles, but he was the eldest. He looked after himself.

The Virgil at the back of his head scoffed at that statement.

Shut up, you can’t talk.

So, yeah, needles, not a Tracy favourite. Cat Tracy would likely be no different. Gotta keep the family tradition.

Nurse Mia brought a tray over to the table. An array of hypodermics were laid out ready for use. Scott’s eyes widened at the size of one of them. He felt like asking why they were going to stick his cat with the prong of a pitchfork, but he was the Commander of International Rescue, he could do this.

Sorry, Cat.

It was like saying sorry to Virgil as he held him down and Grandma stabbed him in the arm.

Necessary evil.

There were a lot of those in his life.

“Did you want to hold her?” Dr Virgilio’s expression was understanding. When he nodded, she directed him to a chair. “It is likely she won’t react well. Try to keep her calm. I will try to be as gentle as possible.”

Scott found himself stroking The Cat and murmuring the same litany he might try for an injured child in the field.

She looked up at him, those green eyes again catching him in their depths.

He had no idea why she had attached to him. Other than the country involved, he had no idea how she had found him, how she had managed to get aboard his ‘bird – Brains was still trying to work it out; the best guess being that she had jumped onto the back of his chair as he retracted it back into One, but why was definitely still a mystery.

Mia reached in and snagged The Cat’s rear left leg. The vet swooped in before she could react and The Cat cried out. She struggled, claws digging again into his chest enough to cause him to grit his teeth. But again, the pair dove in, grabbed another leg and his heart hurt as she cried again.

He stroked her, muttering quietly.

The nurse held this leg a moment longer and the vet reached in with an empty hypodermic.

Scott clutched Cat to him as the Vet drew blood.

Cat was shaking.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He wasn’t sure who he was trying to reassure, Cat or himself.

Fingers reached in and caught her scruff. A spray of something that smelt chemical and she flinched away, meowing.

He saw the needle coming and held her tight. It was huge! He fought the urge to back away himself.

“Nearly done, Mr Tracy.”

A hand touched his shoulder and his peripheral senses registered the nurse holding him still.

Cat cried out and drew blood through his shirt. This one took longer and Scott cringed.

Then it was over.

Cat continued to shake in his arms and, as the vet turned away and the nurse gathered the remains on the tray, Scott found himself clinging to The Cat as much as she was to him. His hand stroked her head gently, he was quietly muttering down to her.

His heart was beating a mile a minute.

The Commander of International Rescue he was not.

Stupid Cat.

He only held her tighter.

“Mr Tracy? Are you okay?”

He looked up at the nurse and realised he was rocking on the spot. “I’m fine.”

“She really trusts you.”

A blink. “Huh?”

“Cats usually try to escape. She is clinging to you.” She frowned at his shirt. “You should swab them with alcohol. Cat scratches can get nasty if not attended to.”

He looked down. There were specks of blood soaking through his shirt. “I’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, Mr Tracy. Her microchip is responding. I will email you a copy of what we have done today and send you her blood results when they come through. I’ll include her microchip details and who you need to contact should you change address. Keep an eye on the injection sites. Watch for any persistent swelling. Don’t hesitate to contact us if you have any questions.”

He was still sitting with His Cat cradled in his arms.

He needed to move.

He rose to his feet and Cat responded by pulling out one set of claws and jabbing him in a new spot.

He didn’t care.

“Did you want to return her to her carrier?” The nurse was frowning up at him.

“No, no, she’s good where she is.” He didn’t want to let go.

“Are you sure? The waiting room contains dogs.”

Cat was curled up under his chin. “We’ll be fine.”

Nurse Mia stared at him a moment. “You will want to hold on to her tightly. We can’t be held responsible if she gets loose.”

Commander voice. “We’ll be fine.”

She held his gaze a moment longer. He had to give her credit for that. Most would have fled by now. She picked up the cat carrier and held open the door.

“Mr Tracy?”

He turned to find the tiny vet staring up at him. “You did good. I can see why you are so good at what you do.”

He blinked and cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

She smiled just a little. “Stay safe, Mr Tracy, and let us know if you need any help with Cat.”

Cat hissed in her direction.

“FAB.”

Her eyes widened and her smile spread.

Definitely a fan.

Despite everything, he found himself smiling in return.

Nurse Mia led him back to reception. He found a familiar figure leaning against the desk. Dressed in his usual casual red flannel, Virgil appeared to be having an energetic discussion with another nurse. The moment he caught sight of Scott, however, he straightened and narrowed in on his brother.

“Hey, you look beat.” His eyes tracked over bloodstains and Cat who was still curled up in his arms. “Aww, rough time.”

“Immunization.”

Virgil winced.

“Blood test.”

Virgil grimaced.

“Microchip.”

“Oh god, honey.” His hand hovered over Cat but didn’t quite touch her. “Well, I guess some treats are due tonight and a little pampering.”

“Could you grab my credit card.”

Virgil arched an eyebrow and reaching around,pulled Scott’s wallet out of his back pocket. “We talking the black one?”

“Yeah. Whatever it costs.” Nurse Mia’s eyes were bouncing between the two of them.

Scott stroked Cat’s head.

Virgil finished up the bill and grabbed the cat box. Scott wasn’t paying much attention. He found himself out the front of the vet surgery, Virgil loading the box into a Tracy fleet car.

“I have Two at the airfield.” He eyed Cat. “Want me to drive?”

Distracted, staring down at Cat who had finally stopped shaking and was now hesitantly peering out at the world around her. “Sure.”

There was an eyebrow raised at that. So, he was usually a control freak, big deal.

He climbed carefully into the passenger side of the car while Virgil hopped behind the steering wheel.

“So, I guess I have a new sister.”

“What?” Scott looked up as Virgil pulled the car away from the curb.

“You have that same expression when any of us are hurt. I’ve seen you hold Allie like that.”

Scott glared. “She’s a cat.”

Virgil shrugged. “Sure. But she’s also family.” It was said daring him to deny it.

His shoulders dropped and he looked down at the spotted furball in his arms.

Green, mischievous eyes peered back up at him.

Quietly. “Yeah, she is.”

-o-o-o-

FIN.

[ablednt]

Hey, hey- I haven’t interacted with this blog before, but I’d like to! I’m not comfortable asking this publicly, but,, I do believe I may have a dissociative disorder. There are (were?) were clear voices that sometimes came forward and did things or watched from the back or sometimes didn’t watch at all but were there and they had different personalities and beliefs and ages and genders and identities! Unfortunately.. Er;; I think the majority of my system has either gone dormant or only very occasionally pop up now. I had a breakdown over if my plurality was even real or not and if I was just faking it or crazy and I lashed out and said some things I really shouldn’t have to them and while they tried to stick around and calm me down, at the time I only pushed them away further and lashed out to them whenever they tried to speak out or front and I don’t quite know what to do because it seems they’ve decided to stop talking to me..;; I’m not sure what to do and don’t quite know who to reach out to, do you have any advice? I’m really rather new to this kind of thing..

I apologize for the long and rather heavy post, but I sort of need help.

Oh man! This is a lot and I only have so much to say but I want to start out by saying you're totally valid! I'd say the majority of systems (especially those who dissociate and/or have trauma in any capacity) go through similar stuff to this!

Anyway as for advice

If you need confirmation you're plural you have it now! Plurality is in its essence to exist in a body that contains other sentient beings. Regardless of how separated you all are, how often you interact, what your experiences are, etc. You're definitely plural if there's other sentient people in your body and from the info this ask gives me that's a clear yes

When the host (or frontstuck / most often fronting person) finds out about the system it's really common for activity levels to become unstable. So you may get a lot at once and then radio silence after and so on. So it's entirely possible that your headmates are just giving you space or there's dissociative barriers making the front less accessible/it harder to communicate. My advice for this is be rest assured that they're okay, look after your body to reduce brain fog (you'll be amazed how much some water and a shower can do for clearing the brain) and wait for them to make contact again.

If they are dormant though this isn't a permanent state, it's okay to grieve and miss them but the brain still has them and they can become active again. In the meantime members are likely to form so you won't be alone too long! So even in the worst case everything's gonna be okay!

One main comfort of being plural is that emotions and thoughts bleed into each other. This means that your headmates will understand that you're in pain and you only pushed them away out of fear. (It's also important to note that most dissociative systems have survival mechanisms to deny the systems existence in place. Your doubts aren't a fault of your own or a sign you're faking but rather a complex survival instinct formed to cope with a pluralphobic world) You will need to apologize to them once you can but they're likely to understand and forgive you in their own time.

Tl;dr: my advice for you is to try to stay calm and seek comfort, treat the body as well as you can, and to be patient with your system. Newly found systems get overwhelmed really easy thinking they need all the answers now but you'll have time for this later, you need to take it slow.

[mercyandmagic]

Hi, mercyandmagic thank you for answering my asks... :D

Don't know if you remember, but I've asked before of your top 5 fav mxtx characters, and you've answered yours. If you don't mind me asking, can I ask you, why you like those characters (in a longer asnwer)? Sorry, if I ask you similar question again......

Yessss. This gonna be long. We’ll start from 5th and work our way to #1. 

5. Wei Wuxian

First, there’s just something incredibly refreshing about an untamed (ahem) character who says the thing everyone thinks but won’t dare say. It is my second-favorite character trope (We’ll get to the first). Plus, he has a great sense of justice and a self-sacrificing spirit... and yet he is capable of great cruelty, sadism, and hurting others to vent his pain (Nightless City, Wen Chao). Believe it or not, the fact that he has done great evil he cannot undo makes me love him more... because he knows it.  

In Chapter 68, when he’s confronted, he doesn’t deny killing Fang Mengchen’s parents, nor taking Yi Weichun’s leg. He doesn’t show anger at their valid pain; he merely points out that nothing he can do now will undo the damage he caused. 

He also has a low tolerance for BS and a high level of empathy. The fact that he scoffs at the cultivators gossiping against Jin Guangyao, the fact that he isn’t happy they have a new scapegoat, speaks a lot. Plus, he can easily understand why the Hook Hand’s final victim needs to scream (Ch. 124), why Jin Guangyao spared Sisi (Ch. 111) and made the Guanyin Temple (Ch. 110), why Nie Huaisang doesn’t want to admit what he did (Ch. 110), etc. Wei Wuxian is just great.

4. Qin Su

She deserves far more appreciation than she gets. She was involved in the Sunshot Campaign. When society judged Jin Guangyao and Meng Shi for their status, Qin Su never did. She loved the man who saved her life. She was willful enough to be the pursuer in her relationship with Jin Guangyao (Ch. 47), and was open to sleeping with him to ascertain their marriage (Ch. 106). She’s naive and trusting, despite losing her son. She’s loyal AF even to Bicao, even though Bicao literally sold her out for jewelry (ahem, Ch. 85). 

Qin Su. only has a short side role in the larger novel, but she’s a fully developed human.  That’s incredible.

3. Lan Wangji

I relate to Lan Wangji more than any of the other characters. Not being able to communicate, or being afraid to – relatable. Plus, having grown up fundamentalist Christian, I find the way in which Lan Wangji’s stubborn rule-following gives way to a willingness to break the rules when it does no harm or helps those he loves... inspiring. Like, he goes from having himself beaten for being pulled outside the Cloud Recesses (something this scrupulosity-sufferer relates to very well) to giving Wei Wuxian the Emperor’s Smile hidden in the Jingshi (Ch. 65).  

If I may add, I read MDZS around the same time I watched GOT Season 8. There’s a similarity in how Wei Wuxian and Daenerys Targaryen have murderous breakdowns after losing everything and everyone close to them. And yet instead of putting Wei Wuxian down like a dog (side eyes Jon Snow), Lan Wangji takes him away, tries to save him, still believes he is capable of good. In his own words, he’s “willing to bear all of the consequences with [Wei Wuxian].” Lan Wangji believes in redemption, in chance after chance. He’s refreshing in a world that believes one deed can stain you forever. I love him.

2. Lan Xichen

He’s just... good? Like, really good? He has to balance leading a clan with a society that is very Not Good, and this definitely leads to some gray points (The Wens, saying nothing in support of Mianmian, etc). But he, like Qin Su, refuses to judge people for origins. He always has to see the good in others – as Ch. 105 says, “whenever he heard there might be hidden reasons, he just had to hear it.” Lan Xichen wants to know and sympathize with everyone’s reasons. That’s just... wonderful. 

It’s notable that his whereabouts for the First Siege of the Burial Mounds are unknown. Lan Qiren led the Gusu Lan Clan, not Lan Xichen (Ch. 68). Which makes me speculate that while he thought Wei Wuxian was done for, he couldn’t bear to participate in killing the man his brother loved.   

He’s a touch avoidant, as seen when he tells Wei Wuxian he does not want to know why his mother killed his father’s teacher (Ch. 64). (I will also defend him agains the charges that he was wrong to try to reconcile Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao – they were his friends and Lan Xichen believed in them. Those two made their own choices, and it was Not Lan Xichen’s Fault). 

Anyhow, he’s good. And he loves Jin Guangyao. I know MXTX said she did not write a romance with them, and I don’t think they ever would have cheated on Qin Su. But that does not diminish that Lan Xichen’s seclusion at the end of the novel, is described as “exactly reversed” from when Lan Wangji was mourning Wei Wuxian (Ch. 114).  

1. Jin Guangyao

My favorite character. trope, the sneaky bastard with daddy issues! What makes Jin Guangyao stand out even among all my favorite sneaky bastards is that... his actions are so very gray that IMO he’s not even really a villain.

For real, what did Jin Guangyao do? Kill his brother who tried to kill him first and was slowly losing his grip on reality and hurting him and Nie Huaisang anyways? (Ch. 49, 50) It was still wrong – and I firmly believe that the motivation was payback for ‘son of a prostitute,’  (as Wei Wuxian suggests, Ch. 104) and not safety – but my point remains. (Plus there’s the implication that Jin Guangshan willed it, too). (Ch. 106).

Married his lover after discovering she was his sister to keep her from being an unwed mother? (Ch. 106) In that situation, I wish he had told Qin Su so she could choose, too, but I fail to find anything condemnable in Jin Guangyao’s actions there. 

Furthermore, when writing “Sentiment” and now “Sunlit Jade,” what I’ve been struck by is that most of his misdeeds end with killing Jin Guangshan. 

The possible exception is Jin Rusong (and since our main source for the idea of cold-blooded filicide and framing of an innocent clan leader is Clan Leader Yao, I am highly skeptical). And Xue Yang remaining alive, but again, we don’t know if Jin Guangyao chose to let him go with a warning/beating severe enough to disable his leg, or if Jin Guangyao truly meant to kill him (I favor the former position, but it’s open for interpretation).

Now, how Jin Guangyao kills and the fact that he does kill his father is wrong. Burning the brothel? Wrong, though I understand his hatred of that place and the people there. Killing the He Clan? Wrong, but 1) it’s on his father’s orders, and 2) he has a rather intriguing reaction when Xue Yang shuts He Su in alive with the corpses. (Ch. 118). 

He looks for something to “comfort” himself. 

This is strange, because he’s previously been a torturer (Ch. 47). What is more torture to him? 

I don’t know the answer, but it speaks to someone who suffers a lot, who did a lot of terrible things in pursuit of a love from his father that never came. And someone who, once he gains power in the position of Chief Cultivator, implements a program to save more commoners’ lives than ever before (Ch. 42).

That’s not the action of a villain.

[Sidenote, and based off a comment that wryhun on AO3 once left me: What I love the most about Jin Guangyao, and MDZS as a whole, is depending on the perspective you take, anyone can be an antagonist or a protagonist.

Jiang Cheng can be Wei Wuxian’s tsundere shidi (reader perspective), or he can be the serial killer of demonic cultivators who refuses to help commoners with spirits unless people have already died (Innkeeper’s perspective, Ch. 92).

Nie Huaisang can be the avenging didi (often a fan’s perspective), or the person who treated the juniors like fodder, killed cats, and sliced up a woman’s body just for revenge (Wei Wuxian’s perspective in Ch. 110, Jin Guangyao’s perspective in Ch. 108).]  

Jin Guangyao is an antagonist because his goals conflict with Wei Wuxian’s. But he’s really no worse than many of the other characters, and in fact, while all have suffered, he’s arguably suffered some of the worst circumstances of all. 

He makes poor choices, although he insists he doesn’t have a choice. I believe that he believes he has no choice... but he does. And that is so very, very tragic. 

I love him and want the world (or really just Lan Xichen) for him. 

[lennox-levin-little-lilith-did]

Hello people who follow me

For people who haven’t been following my blog all that much, I have Dissociative Identity Disoder, more commonly known as Spilt Personality, or Multiple Personality Disoder (which it’s no longer called this, the shortened version is DID)

DID is a disordercharacterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states. A reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.

Symptoms are;

Behavioral: impulsivity, self-destructive behavior, or self-harm (check, check, and check)

Mood: anxiety, feeling detached from self, or mood swings (check, check, and check)

Psychological: altered consciousness, depression, or flashback (check, check, and check)

Also common: amnesia or blackout (huge check)

Let’s start this my early childhood-

I never had a dad, he was in and out of my life constantly. So I was always looking for a father figure.

It didn’t help my mom was hopping from man to man at the time.

However I had one man in my life that never left and loved me like his own. That man was my uncle. I loved him so much, I still do, but by no means was he a good role model. He was in to drugs, never took his medication, and I think was in a gang (that if he hung out with some really bad people). One memory I have of him is him letting me help him make a roll (weed roll) when I was three or four.

I had a been diagnosed with ADHD by the time I was five. It was severe when I was younger, I couldn’t sit still or focus on anything, including school.

Anyways, one day, I come home from school, like any other day. I was happy because my grandmother had picked me up and said she would be staying with me for a while. (Mind you, this is what I’ve been told, I have zero recollection of this month). I come home to strange people and cars around my home, but I go about my greetings as usual. My mom had a boyfriend at this point, his name was Angel, he was nice (we’ll get back to him later). I was told to stay in my room with my kitten, Ella (yes the same cat I talk about to this day) and my dog, Sassy. My grandmother would come in to make I was okay, which I was. The next day was even weirder, a lady in a police uniform watched me get dressed for the day. My teachers treated me differently and I had to leave school early. I was confused, I also hadn’t seen my uncle in two days without communication. I was asked multiple questions about my uncle and I answered them honestly. I later learned that he had buried a woman’s body, had he killed her or not is a mystery as there was someone else with him that day he buried her.

My uncle had schizophrenia, and he had just revealed to me that he had an episode when everything was happening and he was off his meds.

We had moved in December of that year due to people screaming slurs at me whenever I went outside. I don’t remember this, again I have no recollection of that month.

I developed severe emotional issues, including bottling things up and exploding in violent outburst. My ADHD made it hard to focus on schoolwork, specifically reading. I alway spaced out while reading, and heard a small distracting voice, telling me to play with my stuffed animals or watch TV (I didn’t tell my mom this and I still haven’t). My mom didn’t understand why I was like this. She thought I was acting out for attention. So first through third grade I suffered and started to hate school. I started to hate my classmates. So I started to let that little voice speak for me. Eventually I started blacking out during school.

I didn’t know this wasn’t normal.

I didn’t know that when my mom asked what did I do at school, she thought I just didn’t want to talk about school.

Time skip to sixth grade (the worst year of my entire life)-

I was eleven at the time. I had friends, I was a social butterfly. Yeah, sure I had people I didn’t like, but I didn’t let them effect me.

Until November 29, 2016 (yes I remember the exact date)

The weekend before I had slept over at my bestie’s house, then I went home because I had 4-H on Sunday. I got my phone taken away Sunday night because my ‘friend’ wouldn’t stop texting me. I saw on my google docs I had a new document, shared with my teachers. It was nice, complimenting them on their teaching skills. But I didn’t write it. It wasn’t my typing style.

I went to school on Monday like any other day, happy and cheerful. Around second period, I got called to the office. I was asked if I wrote the doc that was under my email. I said yes because it was nice, I didn’t think anything was wrong with it.

Boy, was I wrong... (holy shit I’m about to cry writing this)

I got called down a second time, this time my principal was saying I hacked into others school accounts and wrote a threatening letter on google docs under another student’s account. I started to deny that I wrote anything, that I thought the doc was written on a spur of the moment.

The third time I was called down, it was with my best friend, Angie. We both didn’t know what was going on and denied any and all accusations.

The fourth and final time I was called down was at the end of the day... my teachers were there. They wouldn’t listen... they didn’t care what I said... I was a sweet girl with dreams and passions. I loved my teachers with all my heart... it didn’t matter to them. Nothing mattered to them (here come the waterworks).

I said I did it to protect my friends from getting in trouble...

In the end, I got three days of in school suspension and a beating from my mom that I don’t remember.

The first day, they forgot I was there. I was in a little white room, with a chair and a desk. The social worker came in and asked me if I had really done it. I had a good relationship with her, I really liked her... I shouldn’t have trusted her.

The second day... the second day, the principal, vice principal, and social worker of the school came into the room and I was confused. Then the screaming started... the banging on the desk. They thought on Monday I had written another doc to my teachers, saying they didn’t scare me and they could go fuck themselves and I changed a student’s pfp to a bloody knife.

Then the principal came around behind me, still screaming her head off, and slammed her hands down on my shoulders and squeezed, hard, resulting in bruises later that day. After that, the little voice took over and started crying. Sobbing for them to leave us alone. They walked out leaving a broken child in their wake.

I had curled up under the desk and continued to cried, repeatedly saying, “I want to die, I don’t deserve to live...” the social worker came back in and tried to calm me down, but I looked at her and said I wanted to die. This was the first time of so many, that I had a suicidal thought.

211 services were called and I told them I felt bad about everything I’ve ever done, continuing the lie I’ve been dragged into. I can’t tell the truth... They wouldn’t believe me anyways... I had thought. I went home and stayed home for the rest of the week. That night I walked into my kitchen and opened my knife drawer and pulled out the biggest knife, mind completely blank. I gently slid it against my wrist, thinking about cutting. I didn’t. I put the knife away and went back to my room, empty. I felt lost, and like I was drowning.

A third voice slowly developed. It was a boy this time, he was sad and hated talking to others (I’ll get to my second voice development in a bit). He took over during school, all though I could think on my own and speak, he had main control. I had a mental breakdown later that week after my class had been too loud, I told my music teacher it was because I had sensitive hearing (which was part of the reason). I stayed hidden during recess, and I sat in the back of the lunchroom with people I didn’t like or know. My outbursts only got more violent and more frequent, to the point where I would push my mom and stepdad (remember Angel, yeah him), resulting in more beatings from my mom.

My aunt got a lawyer to extinguish the suspension from my permanent record. The lawyer didn’t want to help all that much because he thought I was hiding something, which I was, but I refused to tell. The suspension was extinguished and I was allowed to use the school computers again.

I went to a new school the next year and transferred to where I’m located now...

First-seventh grade (the second voice’s development)-

My stepdad (Angel) was nice the first year my mom dated him. Then everything started to change. He started coming home drunk. After my little brother was born, things only got worse (and no, I don’t blame my brother for the change, it was envitable). He started getting angry at my mom, and at me. He started calling me a bitch, a little shit, a mistake.

I started to have out of body experiences, whenever I violent towards him. Pushing him, slapping him, punching him, scratching him. One time he slapped my mom and my mom’s therapist called DCF on her. I’ve been told I had walked into the kitchen right when he slapped her. However I don’t remember, I just remember the feeling of uncontrollable rage spreading through my body.

I don’t remember there being a voice in the beginning, I remember being one place or doing one thing, get angry, and suddenly being somewhere else. Especially when Angel started calling me names.

Another time, right after my mom had carpal tunnel surgery, he left suddenly. I was in the basement reading and playing with my bunny at the time. I came back up when my mom started screaming for me. The front door was left wide open and my brother left in the living room. We had Max and Ella, it was the summer of 2016. My mom was hysterical, screaming at me, saying it was my fault he left, that everything was my fault. I left the house and stayed with my neighbors for an hour, waiting for my mom to calm down. I went back and was sent straight to my room. I remember being angry, so mad at myself for no reason. I hated myself. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression the next year.

There’s a shit ton of stories I could tell about Angel getting drunk or leaving the house and coming back drunk. I won’t. I’m not here to tell a sob story, I never will ask for pity. I’m telling you how small things to certain people can be huge to another. My mom didn’t think it affected my all that much, my therapists thought I didn’t need intense therapy despite everything. All because I didn’t know that hearing voices other than your own wasn’t normal.

I started looking up depression and anxiety to help manage it better, and stumbled upon an article about schizophrenia. I looked more into it and found out about DID when I was thirteen, two years ago. However I still didn’t tell anyone... I was scared.

I was a freak

I was unnatural

I had three voices, three other people, inside of me. They wanted control, they wanted a voice too. They became unbearable, and when I started high school, I broke.

I tried to kill myself. I started starving myself the previous school year and started cutting over that summer... I finally told someone about the voices but no one believed me, and still no does. They think I’m lying...

So I’m not diagnosed, but I know I have DID.

Who’s who-

Little was voice one- she’s a little, under the age of ten. Little isn’t her real name but I don’t want her name out there on the internet where people can manipulate her. She has ADHD and is incredibly hyper. This body doesn’t get much rest, so after someone else fronts, we usually have to sleep. She’s also a trauma holder, knowing what happened that month blackout. She has no interest in people romantically (obviously, she’s a child)

Lilith is angry blackout/voice two- she’s ageless, a prosecutor, and a secret keeper. She’s a trauma holder to the verbal and physical abuse I suffered when I was younger, really up until last year I was verbally abused by my mom. She has anger issues and severe mood swings. She rarely fronts, but when she does, Levi or I have to co-con with her so she doesn’t murder someone. She’s angry and is always aggressive towards me and Little. She leaves Levs out of her aggression though. Lilith is bisexual (no, not pan like I identify).

Levin/Levi/Lev(he goes by all of them however I prefer calling him Levi)- he has insomnia and major social anxiety. (Also is co-conscious with me rn) He’s apathetic and very neutral when it comes to opinions, but he’s humorous and super sarcastic when he’s comfortable. He’s a gatekeeper and he’s 18. He as food related anxiety, but no major eating disorders. He’s has no sexual desires, but is romantically attracted to girls.

Lennox(the writer of this)- they age with the body, so 15, and host/often front. They have social anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and is the first alter, or first recognized alter. They are nonbinary and pansexual.

I’m going to start labeling who your talking to, or who’s out at the time, like this

-Lennox (Kay?)

Thank you for reading!

I’mma tag some people I think should see this-

@one-pissed-off-child @madame-ree @queenzie-xo @anon-nom-nom95 @liveto-100 @aleiakit @gogetyoselfsomesoup @nadia-saaaaan @mai-ki-000 @martinidrinkingmartin @scalybunnypapi69 @pumpkineiji @cristinaweeb @pikaweebo @siyarduous-lazyaf @reijishiki

And to lighten my mood and for giggles-

POWER WALK BEFORE YOUR LATE ZUZU!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[let-me-write-shit]

Somebody To You: 23

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Word Count: 2,662

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CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

Having to stand by and watch as the person Harry cared the most about was going through even more suffering, knowing there was most likely nothing he could do to remedy the problem, was pure hell. He could tell she was trying her best to put on a brave face and hold her head up, but that facade didn’t change the fact that he had to physically hold her up so she wouldn’t collapse while she was on the phone with her ex.

Normally, Harry was the jealous type. It wasn’t something he was proud of, and he was working on it, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t care that the person he cared about was flying home to see her ex-boyfriend of several years. Who wouldn’t care? This was different, though. It was hard to put any kind of scrutiny on that when Zoey was so clearly on the verge of a breakdown. He didn’t have time to be jealous, he was too worried about making sure Zoey would be okay.

So, once Katie and Nancy were out of view, he listened. Without interruption he listened to Zoey’s conviction weaken and crumble as she explained Michael’s dad, Paul, and his battle with cancer. He listened as she described her relationship with her ex-boyfriend’s family, especially the man she referred to as ‘Pops’, and how close they had gotten during her time with Michael. He listened as she confessed feeling guilty for her lack of communication with them after her relationship with Michael had ended and how little time she had left with him, especially with her living in LA. 

Harry’s heart shattered, his mind bringing him back to when his own step-father lost his battle with cancer. He’s been there before. He knows how she feels. And having to go through that so soon after losing her best friend, he couldn’t even imagine how she must be feeling right now. And Michael. It was hard to hate him right now, too. Not only did he also lose a friend last year, but he’s also just been given the news that his father had three months to live. He couldn’t fault Michael for wanting Zoey’s company at a time like this given her history with his family. Even with her obvious torment, she still managed to avoid crying. Tears lined her eyes, but shockingly, never fell. She was strong as hell. No one could say otherwise.

“I’m sorry,” Zoey chuckled, sniffling and wiping the tears that threatened to spill, “I think I’m still in shock.”

“It’s okay,” Harry pulled her close to his chest, glancing around to make sure no one was in sight before placing a kiss on the top of her head, “You’ll take it one day at a time. I’m here for you. All of your friends are here for you,” he pulled away looking into her eyes, “We’ve got your back.”

Zoey nodded with a sheepish grin and took a deep breath, “I know. I guess I need to let my parents know that they can expect me.”

“I’ll call the airline and get your flight situated,” Harry offered, “but first, let's go eat our pizza.”

When the two finally joined their friends at the main house, Katie had clearly filled everyone in on what had transpired. The energy in the room was more standoffish, no one quite knowing how to act around Zoey. This was part of the reason why she never liked to open up to anyone about any tribulations because she hated the pity. Harry was one of the few that never treated her like fragile glass or a charity case.

He couldn’t fault her friends for this, though. At least they cared. So, to ease the tension, Zoey was the first to start poking fun at the turnout of their pizza’s. Nancy had somehow managed to make her pizza in the shape of an octopus, which looked quite tragic. The mood lightened and laughter ensued, Zoey, doing her best to push the doom and gloom aside to enjoy her last night in Italy. She could worry about the inevitable grief tomorrow. 

It wasn’t long before everyone was back to their goofy, crazy selves. Zoey, Andy, Rory, and Nancy had gotten tipsy off of the wine and kept feeding more alcohol to Katie, who was a very giggly drunk. Harry had gotten a little buzz going, but wouldn’t have too much to drink as he was their ride home, mostly chatting with the owner of the vineyard.

“I can’t believe I’m going home tomorrow, I don’t want to leave,” Katie settled from her laughing fit, “I wish I could see Gio one more time.”

“Why don’t you invite him over, then?” Andy suggested.

Nancy piped up, “We could all go swimming back at the house.”

Katie’s eyes lit up and she instantly took her phone out, tapping away on the screen. Zoey laughed, shaking her head, the room slowly spinning and a warmth engulfing her body. She wasn’t buzzed anymore, she was drunk. And she knew this was a tell-tale sign for her to stop drinking.

Nancy sat up front with Harry on the way back to the house, controlling the music while Zoey and Katie leaned on each other for support in the back, the glow from Katie’s phone illuminating the car as she texted Giovanni. By the time they had gotten back, Zoey was back to her slight buzz, feeling light and carefree. Everyone had changed into their bathing suits and met outback. She looked over at Harry who was sitting on a lounge chair beside Andy, the two of them talking with a lot of hand gestures. She concentrated on Harry’s fingers, remembering the feeling of them inside of her the night before while her friends were out here talking. She grinned to herself, walking over to the rest of the group who were all in the pool already, floating around.

Zoey sat at the edge of the pool, letting her legs dangle in the water, “Thanks for all of this, guys,” she said to them, smiling, “This had been the best week of my life.”

Nancy swam up, holding onto Zoey’s legs, “You deserve it. You’re a good friend. And roommate. We love you. Besides, you clean up after yourself and aren’t an absolute psychopath, so we appreciate it.”

The girl's laughter caught Harry’s attention and he turned just in time to see Zoey slipping into the pool. He watched, a grin forming, as the girls giggled, splashed, and aggressively hugged each other. Something about the sound of women laughing with genuine cheeriness brought him the greatest joy. It was up there along with a great piano tune, the sound of giggling babies, and the soft chirps of birds in the early morning hours. And to see Zoey immersing herself in the moment instead of wallowing in the house brought forth a pride in her that he hadn’t quite expected. 

Andy cleared his throat, snapping Harry’s attention back to him only to see Andy’s eyes bounce from him to the girls, and back to him with a smirk, “They’re pretty cute, huh? Zoey seems to be having a lot of fun.”

It was just a question, but it sounded more accusatory than anything. Harry’s eyebrows furrowed, searching Andy’s face. Did he know? He couldn’t have, right? Zoey wouldn’t have said anything. And he thought they were doing a good job at keeping it discreet. He shook it off and nodded, “Yeah, good. I’m glad.”

“He’s here!” Katie’s shriek echoed as she pulled herself out of the pool, wrapping a towel around herself as she darted towards the door.

  Everyone laughed, amused by her eagerness to see the young Italian boy. His attention lingered on Zoey’s as the caught eyes, hers sparkling from the reflection of the moonlight against the water. She smiled at him, her expression softening and he could swear he felt his body melting into a puddle on the ground. 

Deeper voices were heard behind him and he turned his attention to see Katie prancing back out, accompanied by not only Giovanni but his older brother, Marco. His eyes widened and his stomach twisted in knots at the sight of him, his mind instantly flashing back to the night he and Zoey had gone on a date together, imagining how they ended their night, his lip on hers. He felt the heat rise in him, frustrated and jealous. His attention darted back to Zoey. From the looks of it, she was just as surprised to see Marco as Harry was, which comforted him a bit, but not enough. 

Everyone else seemed to be pleasantly surprised to see him, shouting his name and beckoning the two to join them in the pool. It didn’t take much convincing. Within seconds the brothers had stripped out of their clothes and dove into the pool, splashing around with the girls. Andy, following after. 

Harry was the only one not swimming, and Zoey noticed. She swam to the edge, arms resting on the side as she stared at him. There it was, again. The spark that allowed him to read her mind. He knew what that look meant. She was telling him to stop being a baby and get in the water. 

“Come on,” she mouthed, quietly waving him over. 

He smiled, rolling his eyes before giving in. With a running start, he bound towards the pool, jumping over her head and bringing his legs to his chest, colliding with the water in a cannonball that earned screams and cheers from the group. Harry swam towards Zoey before she got the chance to rejoin everyone, wiping the water from his eyes and shaking his hair. He could barely reach the floor of the pool on his tippy toes, though she had to paddle to keep afloat. 

“I better not see any flirting,” he warned, seductively. His tone was lighthearted, but she could sense the seriousness behind it.

She smirked, raising an eyebrow, “With you, or with Marco?”

Zoey winked, turning to start swimming away, but he grabbed her waist, pulling her back to him and whispering in her ear, “Careful. There’s a minimal amount of fabric between you and that beautiful cunt of yours. Don’t forget, I know where your sweet spot is and how to be discreet.”

He made sure that no one was looking before quickly sucking the nape of her neck with a hard kiss and lightly pushing her forward towards the rest of their friends. Her heart raced, tingling at the pit of her stomach, so turned on that she became flustered when Nancy tried to include him in their conversation. Harry shot her a quick wink at the sight. 

She did her best to make her intentions obvious with Marco, having a friendly conversation, but keeping a certain amount of distance between them so that there was no misunderstanding, and partially because she wanted to show Harry that her feelings lay with him, and no one else. She hoped he understood. But she worried that he didn’t.

She noticed that he would tense up and become nervous whenever she touched him in a way that could be misconstrued. Even though it was something they did before the got entangled in this web of sex and attraction, he would worry that his friends could see right through them and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to have that discussion with his friends right now. He was still coming to terms with the fact that he might lose his best friend if this all ended badly, along with grappling at the fact that the girl he cared for would be going back home tomorrow to spend time with her ex-boyfriend whom she still professed love for. 

He had to admit, though, he appreciated the way she handled the boundaries with Marco, never making Harry feel uncomfortable or uncertain. The night carried on for a while, everyone having dried off and gone inside for a movie which mostly everyone fell asleep during. Including himself. It was unexpected, and a part of him was angry that he didn’t spend the last night at least cuddling with Zoey in the privacy of one of their bedrooms. Instead, Zoey fell asleep, curled into a ball in between Rory and Andy who all shared a blanket. 

The Italian boys had apparently left at some point in the night, and when the phone alarms sounded, the sun wasn’t even up yet. They had barely gotten four hours of sleep, but their flight was super early in the morning and they needed to take showers and do one more once-over of the house to make sure they had everything packed and ready to go.

Even though his flight wasn’t for a few hours after theirs, he still decided to take them to the airport. Zoey had printed off her new boarding passes and, with the help of Harry, they bustled through baggage check-in and security. However, both gates were at different ends of the airport. With the guise that he promised the sisters’ parents that he would make sure they were okay after boarding the plane, he said goodbye to Nancy, Rory, and Andy and led Katie and Zoey towards their gate, waving at fans as he passed them and taking them to the closest VIP lounge to get more privacy. 

There were a few others in the lounge area, including two girls and a boy about his age that he noticed kept occasionally looking over, so Harry made sure to keep a reasonable amount of distance between him and Zoey, listening to the girls talk about how much fun they had this week and their dreams for future vacations, Harry inputting his two cents on the conversation. But the conversation was doing little to distract him as he overheard the broadcast announcing their call for boarding shortly. 

He frowned, seeing the two sisters gather their carry-on items, unable to hide his displeasure. Saying goodbye to Zoey got harder and harder each time they separated. And the not knowing when he would see her again made it even worse. Sure, he had a lot to do, but he wanted nothing more than to spend a few more days with her, afraid that once she got on that plane all of this would be over. Would she want anything to do with him when she got home? And a part of him, a small part, was scared that she’d see her ex and realize she was still in love with him. Trauma tended to bring people closer together, and as selfish as it sounded, he worried.

“Thanks, Harry! You’re the best!” Katie grinned, leaping into his arms and hugging him.

He laughed, squeezing her tighter and rustling her hair. He had really grown to like Katie and thought of her as a little sister, “Glad you could come. Tell your parents I said thank you for trusting me.”

“Will do,” she pulled away.

His attention turned to Zoey and they looked at each other, glumness embedded in their gaze before they both wrapped their arms around each other. He pulled her in close, taking a deep breath of her sweet and warm scent, feeling the warmth of her body on his. He felt an emptiness form in his chest, sadness beginning to take over. He didn’t want to let her go. He had half a mind to go with her, but he knew he couldn’t. He didn’t care who was looking at that point, he kissed her cheek, lingering for longer than what was typical. It could easily have been reasoned as a friendly kiss goodbye. But they both knew it was more. 

“Good luck,” he whispered as he finally pulled away, “Let me know when you land and give my condolences to Michael and Paul.”

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes, “I will.”

KEEP READING

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Taglist for Somebody To You:

@thurhomish , @stilljosiegrossie​ , @odetostep , @apples2019 , @stylesmioamore , @inyourhaven​