#and they were like trying to explain away the autistic traits by saying no but her ptsd caused that and i must have missed the part where

[anadrenalineslut]

people getting mad headcanons to me is like getting mad at someone for playing pretend incorrectly like what do you mean i'm pretending this character is autistic incorrectly?

[2minutesnotice]

Why People With Mental Illness And Trauma Deserve Love

(and why Blitzø Buckso is one of them)

Grab yourself some snacks and a drink, I'll have a talk with you people who go all for the

"If you can't love yourself, you can't love anybody else"

mantra, which is toxic as fuck.

And sorry for the typos 😬🥲

SPOILER WARNING Full Moon

tw:mental illness / coping mechanism / self harm self worth / shitty parenting /abusive and toxic relationships

First of all, I'm autistic, so a lot of scenarios I'll give you will come from my experiences because it's easier for me to feel empathy that way and explain a situation.

BLITZØ IN FULL MOON

People come into my DMs and want to rant with me about him. I get it. It seems he's an asshole.

And he IS.

Blitzø has multiple character traits which are trauma coded and boy what a can of worms that is. Most of them are really hard in your face, like the fact that he can't stand his own face in pictures.

Which comes from a deep rooted self hate, which comes up in self worth issues. Blitzø had his fair experience with drugs and alcohol , even drowned himself in last to get over his shitty experience with Stolas at Ozzie's.

I'm not saying he's suicidal, but Blitzø's biggest fear is, to die alone.

Because he KNOWS how he is. That makes him really self reflected. He knows how he behaves, he knows his own coping mechanisms.

That's why it's so easy to make him mad. He's mostly angry at himself in most situations, so it also happened in Full Moon. Blitzø uses anger to get things out of people, because most people react to anger, but he's not doing it to HURT people, it's the only way he knows how to get an reaction out of people.

The reaction HE wants. Since Blitzø has no self worth he has no clue WHY people should love him. So he shoves them away and keeps them at distance.

At the same time he CRAVES intimacy. And here's the conflict. Blitzø's love language is sex.

He feels the closest to people if he can be intimate with them. And yes, even in a weird "I fuck Chaz to be close to M&M" kind of way. He is krass with his talking about sex, he over shares, he LOVES to talk about sex.

Because he's good at it. And because it gets him close to people. If the show had more time I bet we would've seen Blitzø having multiple one night stands over the time. Yes, even with his arrangement with Stolas. Because there was sex before there were feelings. Definitely.

Shitty Parenting x Self Worth

Blitzø got sold by his own father as a play buddy for a rich kid. Yes the rich kid was Stolas and it was cute, but still, rich kid.

And we all have seen, that he wasn't good at what his father made him do in the circus but what Blitzø always had, was his pride. Also, he's very good at making things up as they go. Doing that damn horse balloon and making a joke about it, shows how he is capable of selling himself still as the best, even if it isn't so.

We don't know much about Tilla, but we know Blitzø definitely had a closer relationship to her then to his father.

I know we only have two concrete scenes which show what kind of an relationship Cash and his son had, but the "I wish you were my son" card for Fizz kinda draws us the picture here.

As a child who always had to compete with a sister which was highly gifted, this does something to you.

You try to be better, at any cost. Sounds familiar?

"I'll try to be better".

But what? In what will he try to be better? I think Blitzø doesn't even know at what he will try to be better, he just does not want to lose this. But what is this?

RELATIONSHIPS

IF Blitzø would have just cared about his business, he would've walked away with the crystal. Just like that. He would've said

"Thank Satan, I thought I would lose my business,thanks Stolas, it was nice as it lasted" and he would've been gone.

But he didn't. He listened to what Stolas said but he didn't LISTEN. Because it was confusing as fuck, even as The Audience just watching it was a LOT what was said and going from

"I'll let you go" to "I have feelings for you, please stay" in a second.

And of course Blitzø would not understand that. Because Stolas could not MEAN it. Because Stolas has servants who are Imps and he called him names, a plaything and if Blitzø is anything for Stolas, at first, he's a whore.

Blitzø sold his body for a service. For his business.

They could have made that arrangement about ANYTHING. Money, another hitman service, bodyguarding.

STOLAS made it about sex. The thing Blitzø knows, the one he CRAVES, the thing he is good at, besides killing people.

But the one thing Blitzø is not good at, are words and feelings. And Stolas had a lot of them, at once. And it felt not fair for Blitzø to be cornered like that, because he had no idea what was expected from him. And then he used the ONLY thing he knows, which always gets something out of people: Anger.

That's the words and feelings he knows.

And he got an reaction, but also had to deal with the consequences.

STOLAS AT FULL MOON

I love Stolas. But he he's living in a romance novel world and there's also, trauma.

Stolas first words I had imprinted in my mind were "I always thought love could be fun". He wished for a happy family his whole life and all he got was an abusive wife and a loveless marriage.

He is a dreamer. Someone who loves the small things and he is caring. He loves to indulge in fiction, he loves telenovelas because even if there's drama, there are relationships. Something he never had experienced.

Stolas is a soft soul. But he's repressed and depressed as fuck. And that's not only because of Stella, but his upbringing and the knowledge to live in a Golden Cage. But he never voices that he has problems with THAT.

See, Stolas is a prince, he grew up with servants, Imps mostly. In a palace. Even if he despises Stella's parties, I bet if he wouldn't be an outsider in his own race, he would be the one doing the parties himself. It would do him some good because Stolas is also, lonely.

While Blitzø lived in Circus tents and tried to proof himself, Stolas had to proof that he's worthy his title as a prince. Being married, the whole heir thing, his duties.

And then Blitzø appears out of fucking nowhere, seducing him (like in his novels!), staying with him the whole night (showing him he's obviously gay), showing him he can choose, that he HAS A CHANCE to be happy.

With Blitzø.

And then we see the duet and the second Stolas sings about how he wants this to go, I knew they will fuck up. Because Stolas had played out this scenario SO OFTEN in his head, that he has so many images of Blitzø in his head that he knows this will not work out good. He has hopes and dreams but in the end, the decision falls on Blitzø.

So we go to Full Moon and Blitzø reacts... poorly. He even mocks him. And then he starts screaming and shouting and guess who else was always shouting and screaming? Guess who told Stolas his whole marriage that he's not worth anything. That he's not worth of love, that he's a failure, that his head is in the clouds and mocked him about everything he loves.

Blitzøs only way to cope with too many feelings is anger, Stolas trauma is based on anger and rejection.

But Stolas reacted so FAST. He gave Blitzø the crystal and he told him that he gives him the offer to stay, because he has feelings for him (like in his novels!) and his hopes are so high and the second he does not get what he wants, what he needs, he snaps. He's disappointed. He's hurt.

Because he wants this so bad to work.

But it can't, because they're for now reading the same book, but they're so not on the same page.

Because, and now we're getting there, they have to deal with what was said.

TRAUMA AND RELATIONSHIPS

I'm married for ten years now. My wife and I met each other 20 years ago.

I was suicidal back then, I cut myself regularly, I was depressed and had an eating disorder.

But I had friends. And I had relationships. And I loved so so deeply.

And then I got together with my wife 11 years ago. I was freshly diagnosed with being autistic, my wife has ADHD.

She also has several PTSD triggers, I have childhood trauma from living with my Mom who's an alcoholic.

And yes, I am able to have an relationship. We love each other dearly, we care about each other. We learn from each other, daily.

We have bad days, but we are GOOD for each other.

Because you DESERVE TO BE LOVED, no matter what.

In the first place is always that you're responsible for yourself. You can't trauma dump on your partner in excessive ways because that's not healthy. BUT learning to share your experiences but still being responsible for yourself and your actions, is a whole different thing.

You can love and be loved, even at your lowest.

But you have to be aware that your partner is not your therapist and that communication in a relationship, in which both parties are mentally ill, is KEY.

You have to go to the same ground, you have to explain what are your boundaries, what are your triggers but you have also to accept that the other one is sometimes not able to deal with your package.

My wife and I, we communicate DAILY. We have totally different needs. We have totally different views and patterns to deal with things. But we love each other.

Because we respect each other's differences.

And that's the homework for Stolas and Blitzø. They don't have to TO GET BETTER, they have to grow and they have to listen, communicate instead of just dumping expectations at each other.

You can't expect someone to break a pattern that is carved by trauma, just because you tell them you love them. And you can't expect that someone's listening when you push all their triggers at once.

I'm really excited how this will go. It's heartbreaking but I guess now that everything is said, they can finally be honest, without all the trauma dumping and pushing buttons.

And as I said:

You're worth of love. You're worth to be loved and you can give love, even at your lowest. Your deserve love, even at your lowest. You ARE loved.

Thank you for reading! ✨ Gold Star for you!

[strawberrykaon]

I think autistic primarchs would present very differently than in a baseline human. Its so much easier to cover up or explain away.

Like if Mortarion goes semi- verbal, he still sounds normal. But very stilted for a primarch. Its different from when I can only maybe say three words at a time. Usually I can only go "I don't know" or "no", or "go away". For him it's still full length sentences, like "I think I just need to be alone now". That can easily be explained to be exhaustion. But in reality he can't vocalize anything more complex right now.

Guilliman has be scripting since a child but no one notices. He just has over 100 scripts memorized for any occasion. Any question or change in the conversation. He already has a script lined up. He's capable of memorizing it. Conversations happen so naturally, you can't even tell the difference.

Even the way they stim can be so different to a baseline. Probably in ways a baseline can't comprehend. Traits like increased pattern recognition are standard in a primarch. All primarchs are far more "higher functioning" than any baseline.

Being behind their brothers developmentally by a few weeks is nothing compared to a baseline. What's walking at two months when most humans are closer to a year old when they start. Sure the other primarchs were walking much sooner. Some right out of the pod. But they often reached adulthood far sooner than any human. What constitutes a development delay to a primarch. If an apothecary can't tell what's a high blood pressure level in Guilliman. How can you tell?

Exhaustion that so many autistic face is so off from a baseline. They need less sleep. They can go through periods without rest for far longer. I think in cases like Mortarion, he can just push through an autistic burnout. Sure he's a bit more irritable, among other things. But hey, the point of a shutdown won't hit him till a few decades later. So therefore he must have high energy levels then even his brothers. Despite the toll on his mental health. Plus their recovery times are far shorter. Guilliman needs just a few days to feel normal after a year long campaign after all. Doesn't matter how he was acting prior. Any strange behavior can be hand waved away.

Mental conditioning can be used to suppress sensory overload. No point in having your super solider curl up screaming because he has super hearing. And you threw him into an active warzone. Lets make sure you can't process that information in way that would harm you. (Plus I think as a rule primarchs have a tendency to be more sensory seeking than sensory avoidant.)

Hell even their positions in the imperial society could make it easier to mask. If Perturabo wants something done in a certain way, you are going to do it that way. You're just some 25 year old iron warrior or serf that needs to follow command. Plus you don't know best compared to a primarch.

Of course they mask in typical ways. Mortarion hasn't rocked when upset since he was young. Because Nacrae told him that he should avoid such weakling behavior. Or still show more obvious traits like Dorn's flatter speaking style. (IDK how true this is but everyone says this and I'm not too familiar with Dorn to say otherwise.)

Also I like to imagine that the Emperor intentionally placed Autism into some of his designer babies. Thinking he could "avoid all the negatives but only gain those traits that would benefit them greatly." Only for his patience to slowly be drained. Like Perturabo having a meltdown while Dorn is trying to get the two of them to work together. But he's lost the ability to mask what little he does. And is just going, "We are to conclude this activity in an hour. I have to calibrate the ships sensors in an hour and half. You have already wasted 10 minutes. We must refocus so we can conclude in an hour..."

The problem start when understanding what's going on under the surface. Or when you start comparing them to their brothers. But hey you're below understanding what a primarch is thinking. And all the primarchs are little off. They're demigods. What makes these one's so different. Doesn't help they themselves won't consider it themselves. Or even be insulted by the implication. I'm not an invalid. Don't be ridiculous.

(I used Perturabo, Dorn, and Guilliman here because they're the common ones head cannoned as autistic. I went with Mortarion as well because I decided to just go with it. I know him the best. Plus this is all just headcannon. Just to be clear. Reasoning being his kids tend to present with a flat personality anyways. Also heard Mortarion was always behind his brothers, so developmental delays?? Idk yet where they got that in lore yet. Trying to get through all the books is a lot. Plus his other strange behaviors. But it could just be poor socialization as a child mixed with mental illness. Could also just be all three too. But more than these four could be autistic is my point. Sorry if this post was rambling or unclear. Or if anyone has done this before. I just wanted to get my thoughts out on the subject.)

[shinoposting]

A comprehensive guide as to why Aburame Shino is peak Autistic Representation

Very long post under the cut!

( This is poorly organized and doesn't actually include everything, but you know :] )

It starts with the flashback to when Torune was taken and flashbacks to early academy days, during which Shino is about 7.

He showed no interest in playing with other children, or in making friends. He didn't see a point in talking to people who didn't want to discuss his special interest, which he dedicated all his free time to, and he didn't emote when Torune was taken away, even though it impacted him very deeply. Even as a small child he talked "like an adult", monotonous, strange phrasing, over-explaining, and too quietly. When he wasn't being ignored by his classmates, they were trying to use him.

Later on when you see him socialize more, in Pre-Teen and Teenage years, more things become apparent.

In general he seems semi-verbal, most of the time silent, and becomes agitated when forced to repeat himself. Konoha Hiden expands on this, saying that he wishes people just knew what he meant and felt without him having to talk, and that he is bonded to Akamaru because he feels that Akamaru is the only one who he can communicate with in that way. When he's upset he isolates and at one point is even seen hitting his head when he was trying to cool down and was interrupted by unwanted social interaction.

He doesn't understand why people need to see his face, and usually doesn't look in the direction of the person he is addressing. He also doesn't understand jokes, rarely laughs, and angrily dissects puns…but then later puns become his entire sense of humor. He's never dressed for the season, either. Aburames tend to be very covered up by default but besides his Part 1 outfit he is always in multiple layers regardless of the season. (Year round trench coats are a huge autistic stereotype.) He gets along better with people outside of his age group, respected by adults and looked up to by younger kids who think he is cool and knowledgeable. Konoha Hiden also states that during this period he was suffering with comorbid Anxiety and Depression.

There's a lot of black and white thinking on display, for example he is anti-alcohol-- obviously he would have been taught not to drink as an Aburame, but he also doesn't like when others drink. He sees it as universally bad. He's a stickler for the rules and often scolds his peers for not following rules and guidelines. He also seems like a bit of a prude even though it is suggested that he himself has a dirty mind (noticing girls' cup sizes and the implications of Road to Ninja treating his Personal Business as a personality trait) which is a funny hypocrisy I have noticed in a lot of autistic people. He holds a hell of a grudge and ruminates endlessly, which is documented at higher rates in autistic people due to rigid thinking.

He is trying to make friends like Torune wanted, and is now aware that not having friends is a bad thing. He starts feeling the pain of being ostracized not only in general but also by his friend group and isn't even sure if he has friends. He is 17 years old before he understands what allistics consider friend status.

We start to see some of his sensory issues pop up too. He is seen wearing sunglasses even at night and while sleeping. He hates any food that smells strongly and his favorites are pretty bland. He pulls a piece of meat out of his mouth, in public, uncharacteristically violating taboo. He was able to identify the number of people in a distant group only by sound at a time when this would have been above his skill level. (Which makes sense. Team 8 is thus Eyes, Ears, Nose. More on this later.) By Boruto, he has added ear protection and stronger eye protection that he wears when he is expecting to be near fluorescent lights or crowds. Suddenly his overall mood is greatly improved and he can smile openly.

He shows signs of hyperempathy in being overly distressed when losing insects, as he has many millions of them, and having an exaggerated physical response to anticipating Sakura and Naruto's despair.

He has chronic bitchy resting face and is extremely blunt to a a degree of being insulting, which makes people assume he is a mean person. He also comes across as pedantic to his peers, when from his perspective he's just didactic, and even though he over-explains everything his peers still have difficulty understanding what he's saying.

He will also randomly connect the topic of discussion to his special interest and begin infodumping about bugs, and isn't aware that people around him are not interested or worse, repulsed by his special interest until told, at which point he feels personally hurt. Generally his interests are very stereotypical of an autistic person: bugs, comics, ecology, strategy, etc.

He seems level-headed and robotically analytical until he reaches a certain threshold when he suddenly over-emotes in dramatic and awkward ways.

You might notice that when his hands aren't in his pockets, he doesn't seem to know what to do with them; they're always balled into fists, which smells of someone who was taught not to stim. Even so, when he gets really excited in Konoha Hiden and is being himself, he starts spinning around. His speech quirk preceding frequent over-explanations (Why? Because... / The reason is because...) is also considered a type of echolalia.

Mentioning Hiden, in the Blank Period we start to see changes associated with the autistic experience of starting to understand that you are awkward, not knowing how to fix it, and all the anxiety that comes with that. He is stuck riding the lag train and is fully ready to become a hermit in the woods.

He isn't understood in the way that he wants to be understood. He can't let himself get comfortable in other people's homes. He uses his trench coat as a barrier between himself and other people, treating it like a security blanket. He still doesn't understand how his choice of attire affects people's perception of him and becomes agitated when he's told it makes him look suspicious. He doesn't appear to be pursuing any intimate relationships, and displays a lack of boundaries when picking Choji up with his insects when he gets excited.

The lag train becomes even more apparent in Boruto. He hasn't found a partner, his friends are growing even further away from him, and possibly worst of all he's seen as more childish-- too grown-up as a kid, too immature as an adult.

He is masking extremely heavily for the sake of his career, mirroring Iruka, removing almost all of his personal identity from his appearance including the parts that made him feel safe-- everything has to be professional. This actually hurts his ability to work with kids because he already knew how to talk to them, but he is now trying to emulate the image of a teacher for the sake of professionalism.

In the classroom he struggles with things I have seen real-life autistic teachers talk about: He works well with the younger kids, they love him and his fun facts, but the older ones can tell that there is something different about him and they will ignore or outright bully him. It's very difficult to control them or hold their interest. (He later develops stomach problems due to stress from working with said older kids)

The big problem is that he is not good at masking. In traditional settings with very clearly defined roles and rules of how to act and what to say he gets by just fine, but in organic interactions it's nothing but spaghetti and this causes him severe stress. He is proud of himself for being able to speak to many people in a day now but at what cost? Pattern recognition and rigid thinking of course leads to rumination spirals, and under extreme pressure he starts reverting to childish things. He has only had Kura-maa a short time before he becomes attached and starts personifying it. This may seem childish, but autistic people are more likely to do this and will continue to do so later into life than their allistic peers. (See Object Personification in Autism: This paper will be very sad if you don’t read it)

He has become a real people-pleaser, allowing himself to be imposed upon constantly, and apologizes excessively even for situations that were not his fault, which are both behaviors many autistic people pick up. And, for all his masking, he can't hide that he is still terrible at understanding and constructing metaphors, ie "bad insects" and the yakisoba bun analogy.

He is trying his damnedest to adapt and accommodate himself in a rapidly changing world that wasn't very friendly to him to begin with. He was able to slide under the radar as respectable and somewhat normal when the world was as rigid as he is. Now every day he's facing new challenges that he isn't used to and he's acting a little fucked up and neurotic, overcompensating and making it worse.

So yeah, maybe he's not 'cool' by most standards. Not everyone gets a happy ending where they become the most ideal version of themselves. Not in real life, and not in animes that have hundreds of characters. What's important is that he is exactly on the trajectory set by previous installments to the series and very accurately and thoroughly depicting autistic struggles in every aspect of life. And that's pretty cool to me. :)

[witheringwidgetwrites]

an mc with echolalia repeating noises/words/phrases the demon bros say (especially things in demonic language) and some of them getting Annoyed thinking its you mocking them and challenging them (lucifer, satan) or that ur making fun of them in a demeaning way (levi, mammon) and the general confusion and possible angst from hurt feels bc they dont know this is just a Thing some humans do. i think solomon would get caught in a loop with mc tho especially during nightbringer era like sol makes a Noise, mc repeats it, they go back and forth bc sol thinks its cute n understands the stimming nature it can have and everyone else is just '???? did the humans break???'

sorry if this doesnt make much sense its 3 am for me but i saw the ask abt demons not rly understanding humans and was like. lets take it up a notch with autistic (and other neurodivergent) traits and behaviors. bewilder those bitches some more. also i love ur writing its so good thank you for all youve blessed us with <3

AutismCore me me me me me relatable i love this ask sm i am stimming rN

pls send in a req for the others! if i do all in 1 post itll be soo long (also if u want a longer one send in 1 character and we can get some real angst in here)

Lucifer is one who doesn't mind very much. He's used to the Anti-Lucifer-League mocking almost everything he says, so there's not surprises there. However one evening at the dinner table, he it comes along in passing.

"Yes, I've never quite understood if you enjoy my presence or not, as you seem to mock me so often, MC."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"I heard you the other evening, you were speaking of what I had said to you, repeatedly. If I recall, it was, 'Don't dally with the dragons, MC'," he smiles at you, but there seems to be a little aggression behind it.

"Oh no, that's not mocking, Luci, it's called echolalia! It's a symptom of my autism." You go on to explain, and it seems like a small wave of relief washes over his eyes.

"Very well. I'm glad we got that misunderstanding cleared up."

The one who avoids you is Mammon, he's only now been caught up to by you, as you sit into the chair next to him at dinner. It's mostly quiet, until everyone has left, besides you him, and Leviathan and Beel, who are having this own conversation. You speak quietly, "have you been avoiding me, Mammon?"

"Why'd ya think that? Maybe it's you avoiding me!"

"Well, I haven't seen you almost at all in 4 days. Everytime I see you, you turn the other way. You feel the sting of fresh tears start to burn in your eyes, and Mammon can't help but feel a little guilty.

"Why'd ya even want to be around me, I heard you mocking me. You were sayin' 'mammoney' over and over."

"No, Mammon, that's not it at all!" You furrow your brow, and more tears start to come forward. This is not the first time you have been misunderstood by someone about your symptoms. You go on to explain, practically pleading with him to believe you.

"So it's just somethin' some humans do? Really? I think Levi does that sometimes," he chuckles, a small blush gracing his features.

The one who is most hurt by the misunderstanding is Leviathan. For sure. He heard you saying "Ruri-chan" over and over to yourself and assumed you were making fun of him. He hid away from you for days until you caught up to him, and asked if he'd been avoiding you. You missed your best friend dearly. "Of course I have! I heard you mocking me! I thought we were friends." His frown was evident, and you had to pry to find out what he was talking about. "Leviathan, what in the world are you talking about?"

"I heard you! You said," in his best mimicking voice he could muster, "Ruri-chan, over and over."

You were quick to stop him, trying your best to explain. He was still hurt, but he did feel a little silly.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense. I do that too sometimes, repeat things when they're f-fun to say, I mean," he seems to trail off, averting his gaze. His anger had not dissipated, and he felt silly for ever being mad.

"I-I'm, I'm sorry for misunderstanding you, MC."

[bleue-flora]

''what does the rest of the server mean then'' Most disliked c!Dream for a valid reason like his actions, and autism is never an excuse to do bad things hfmoot

[context]

lol are you saying you read give or take something like 3,000 words of c!Dream being autistic and that one line you didn’t even quote right because I assume you are talking about this “And if Dream is autistic, damn what kinda of picture does that paint of the rest of the server… just saying… ;)” from the very bottom of the tags is what you got out of all of that?… seriously?

First of all, the valid reasons are comical. Sure some people have a good reason to hate Dream, but like Sapnap’s reason is because Dream threatened to use Bekerson against him and he thought Dream doesn’t care about him [clip]. But sure yea no, skeppy cage and threats are a perfectly valid reason to put them in torture box for eternity dislike someone… (really besides the point but yea it just so happened to be fresh on my mind lol…)

Regardless, I don’t think I did or will ever say that autism or anything else excuses bad behavior. If you ever think that’s what I’m saying - that it’s okay to do bad things if you have a good excuse - you are misunderstanding and misconstruing my words. What I do like to do, is look at Why something might have happened. Those are not the same thing. C!Dream himself specifically highlights this in Daedalus because Sam was using his reasons as justifications for his actions - I have a good reason therefore it’s okay, which Dream was pointing that eventhough reasons are important to know someone isn’t just being malicious for the sake of it, a valid reason doesn’t excuse it. Especially because excuses don’t tend to erase the hurt those actions caused. But even though reasons don’t excuse the behavior or make it right, they can add perspective and perhaps help gain compassion…

To be fair though, I don’t think I really even talked about autism and the bad things he did at all anyways. Only the character traits, circumstances and storyline that point to autism in my opinion. Explaining his actions through the lense of autism would be a whole different set of essays.

Really, if I’m creating excuses for behavior for anyone it is for the server. As I said people have inherent hate of autistic people down to the subconscious level of basic fear, not to say everyone is ableist but the fact that we are different makes us already a target of dislike, which is really more so if anything excusing the server’s despicable treatment of a fellow human being. But even then, I’m still not excusing or justifying only trying to make sense of and understand how people could hate him so much to the point of killing him till he’s permanently dead (something they didn’t even do to Wilbur or Schlatt l) and put him in a little lava covered box and throw away the key. Plus, I mean a lot of people were against Dream before the agruably more bad things like Staged finale, Doomsday, Exile, hell even before the Pogtopia war people seemed to hate him, so my aim is to understand why things happened the way they did…

Anyways, if that is the statement you are referring to then, I’ll admit it’s a little aggressive, poorly worded and I probably shouldn’t have said it at all. But my intention was not really to call the server a bunch of ableists, but more so that they are a good representation of the bullying and social rejection and the hate autistic people often face without even understanding why. (I mean I was probably also just saying how dare they bully my poor little autistic green teletubby lol XD as more so a joke hence the winky face) anyways… all that to say, that It’s not about everything Dream did was okay because he’s autistic so he gets a pass or to say the server was maliciously targeting him because he’s autistic or whatever, it’s about understanding the Why something happened and how that might paint a picture of the server and story that reflects the real world…

[bluegekk0]

im just thinking about my pk, Rymer, meeting yours and just. being both appalled and SO jealous.

you get to give into your instincts??? you get to marry grimm without ppl thinking its weird??? YOU DIVORCED THE WHITE LADY?????

sorry i just. i think its funny lol

Hahaha yeah I think that, despite all, Vyrm got pretty lucky. That's mostly cause I just love him so much as a character and want him to be happy (gives me some hope that my life will also get all sorted out and I'll be happy eventually). Though saying that he's in a perfect situation would also be a bit inaccurate. His life was terrible for at least 3/4 of it, and that just doesn't go away the moment he finds himself in a happy marriage with a family. And I think taking into consideration how all that trauma affects him even now, where he's generally much happier, makes his character that much more fleshed out and interesting, which hopefully isn't just my own view of him.

But yeah if he met a version of PK who wasn't as lucky, it would be quite awkward. Especially since, comparing to many interpretations of the character I've seen, Vyrm's struggles are very different for the most part. And with his poorly masked autism*, he would really struggle to not make things even more awkward. Not to mention, I imagine that if he ever met an alternate version of himself, he would have a very difficult relationship with them by default. There's so much self-hatred in his heart that reminds him of the things he did, and I believe that if he saw another version of himself, it would turn nasty. Of course, he'd eventually come to his senses, especially as he realizes that the other PK is different to him and isn't just an extension of himself to be insulted and hated. But if said PK was more cold and uncaring than him, at least on the surface? Or if he was still trying to excuse his actions with that whole "no cost too great" thing, instead of just admitting he did monstrous things that didn't help anyone? I fear it wouldn't be as pretty, especially since it would also remind Vyrm too much of his version of WL. His self-hatred and all the trauma would combine into a very unpleasant reaction, if not an aggressive one.

Sorry for the longer ramble but I also think this kind of meeting would be very interesting, so I wanted to go over what things would seem like from Vyrm's side haha

Also, Rymer is a very unique name for a PK interpretation, I like it!

* - Funny side tangent about the autism part: many traits that I gave him were peer reviewed as very noticeably autistic by my friends, which wasn't even my intention since I wrote him based on my own experiences/things that I find relatable. Most of my reactions to their comments were along the lines of "wait, really?", since I didn't even realize that was a trait associated with autism. So it really made me take a look back and consider the possibility that I'm also autistic, which wasn't something that I ever really thought about before, but it definitely explained a lot (and still does). Just goes to show how much this character means to me, writing him like this is very cathartic and helped me figure things out about myself.

[summery-captain]

AuDHD traits Dirk Gently Displays - S1E5: Very Erectus

- You may follow the google docs file I'm writing everything down in, also! If you haven't read them yet, links to the first four episodes:

S1E1 - Horizons / S1E2 - Lost and Found / S1E3 - Rogue Wall Enthusiasts / S1E4 - Watkin

Click read more to read the analysis of the fifth episode! Tagging: @clockworkcheetah @urlocallesbiab @generalized-incompetence @amber-angel @goatygoat @frenchfriedgiraffe

> In the scene in the dinner, after they start driving to go look for the 'treasure' based on the map, Todd starts insisting that Dirk has a power and he immediately deflects and shuts down, avoiding eye contact completely, looking around. > The second Todd says "It's you. It's something about you", he goes "I'm not psychic, drop it." - of course this enters the parallel of the whole show being about the holistics having their ties to the universe in different ways, but I've had moments where people know I'm autistic and they start insisting on either me being actually "normal" and it being a superpower, trying to single me or sus me out, and I react similarly to Dirk in this scene > "No!! We are having this conversation", discomfort, "Here, let's do an experiment" EXTREME discomfort - sometimes you're just existing and people want a) an explanation of your whole life and b) for you to prove to be what you say you are > "Look, I can't explain it, ok? I learned a long time ago things don't always make sense the way people want them to" - AuDhd to its barest components– > "You're going to have to accept that too. To. Too. To. Too? Two?" - very common to lose a bit of sense of words both in autism (overwhelmed) and plus ADHD having the common comorbidity of dyslexia 

> Trading the Corvette for the beat down jeep, and when Todd goes "???" he says "It's just a rental!" - he makes decisions and when people express concern assumes it's based on something else, even if it doesn't make sense. So he just says it. I usually know for a fact I won't figure out what they're ACTUALLY judging me for - general inaptitude to read between the lines or figure out social situations 

> Martin tells Amanda, about Dirk, "He's got gourmet panic!" - he just like us, he just like us fr 

> "Don't start with the zen master thing, ok? It worked out a lot better before I figured out you were a mess, too" - people tend to assume we're more put together than they are because we showcase emotions differently 

> When Todd says he's gonna give up on digging, he just goes "Wouldn't this be just one more thing you walked away from, though" - not the sincerautistic murder-- Sometimes I also blurt out things and accidentally read people to filth without fully realizing. 

> He puts clues together and recognizes patterns then blurts it out, classic AuDHD style

 > "(...) I think life is like that too, just an endless series of room with puzzles and eventually one of them kills you" / "That's dark and depressing" - my fellow AuDHD ambassador just drops bombs and doesn't even realize 

> "What is it?" / "A thing" - stating the obvious shouldn't be as funny as it is but it never gets old 

> "You brought the cat?" / "Of course I did" - just. Very cute honestly but also, I too make decisions without fully realizing what it would entail, like bringing a kitten around with you while digging shit up 

> Todd starts venting to him and he's like. Confused - but yet again he tries his very best to support him, saying "When I look behind me, I can't see ahead of me" / "Are you saying dwelling on my past is holding me back?" / "No. I mean I literally can't see what's back there when I'm looking forward" - general literal thinking

> "You know what I was thinking about? When I was staring down at the barrel of that gun?" "...bullets?" - literal thinking part 321 electric boogaloo

> “Everything is connected. But only I can see it… I’m not.. Psychic. But I am something” yeah. Autistic-

> “The hunches don’t help me, ever” - we tend to figure stuff out based on our general understanding of them, trying to consciously clock things others don’t have to think twice about, but the same is true in reverse, where things that may seem impossible for neurotypicals to figure out, we see immediately. Although we may know these things, we’re usually not taken seriously enough or don’t have the bandwidth to actually prevent some things from happening to us or around us.

> “I don’t have any friends, I am always surrounded by bizarre and frightening states of disaster, and I am always alone” - sad part hours, but it’s unfortunately true: we’re always overwhelmed, surrounded by input we can’t filter out, and it is extremely hard to make and maintain friends. But Dirk has found his people and so will all of us, eventually!!

> When Todd says “And Dirk? I am your friend.” - immediate hope, bright red eyes, furrowed eyebrows, then IMMEDIATELY he schools his expression out to nonchalant, so yet again his big reactions don’t push people around him away (both true for Dirk and in our general experience, having had to tone yourself down your whole life does NUMBERS on you)

[autisticbooknerd01]

Representation

When we were younger, my brother and I would play a game where we would assign characters in shows we watched to our family members. He always got the "normal" and/or funny ones, from Jim Halpert (The Office) to Leonard Hofstadter (The Big Bang Theory) to Troy Barnes (Community). I was always the "weird" one, the butt of the joke. I was Dwight Schrute (The Office), Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory), or Abed Nadir (Community). I'm still rather proud to be Abed.

I think this is evidence that we were always somewhat aware of my autistic traits, although we didn't know they had a name. I was the consistently the weird one. I was consistently the autistic-coded one.

I want to talk specifically about Sheldon Cooper, and how his character affects me to this day.

To start: he is definitely autistic coded (not well, but still). The creators of the show claim he is not autistic, but I wonder whether that's related to how, if he was, the punchline of nearly every joke is, "Haha, look at how autistic he is." When it's not that, his so-called friends (most of whom are creeps as well, but they're comparatively "normal," so they aren't punished for it) are infantilizing him in the grossest way possible.

I watched The Big Bang Theory for the first time ten years ago, when I was a little too young for it, and I laughed at the jokes because the laugh track indicated that I was supposed to, and I think I was uncomfortable but I didn't watch it again for YEARS so my brain stored it into my memory as funny.

I rewatched the show after I was diagnosed. Or, I rewatched what I could handle, because this show made me really sad and angry on his behalf. One line Sheldon says is, "I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested," and what the fuck, writers???

There's one episode that stands out to me, though I can't remember the name at all. Penny and Leonard are fighting, and Sheldon, who gets anxious when people fight, ends up running away to the comic book store, his safe place where he can regulate, to soothe himself. Penny and Leonard, as usual, act like he's being unreasonable, though they are marginally better in this episode. I, watching this, wanted to scream at them, "Can't you see he's distressed?"

So many of these characters, Sheldon included, are distressed and overwhelmed in a world that so clearly demonizes the way our minds work. That's something I desperately relate to. I understand how, when his character is being a bigoted piece of shit, his friends need to call him out and explain what's going on, but my god, could they please acknowledge that this world is very distressing for Sheldon and try to take his needs seriously? Can't they try to find some middle ground?

I just...it makes me so, so mad.

Sheldon was not a good person. Like everyone, autistic people have the capacity to be good and bad. But I'm tired of people like me being depicted as two dimensional bigots with no personality and no acknowledgement of what we go through to get to the starting line each day. Sheldon, like all autistic characters, deserves so much better.

We all do.

(I will die for Quinni Gallagher-Jones and Abed Nadir, though. Genuinely.)

[inkdemonapologist]

Who's your favorite female character in BATIM? Also, what do you think about Audrey as a character (aside from the weird stuff about Joey and "you don't have to be like this" that you mentioned in that one post)? You draw her really well.

Aw, thank you! And MAN that’s a tough question……

Dot and Abby and Susie are my personal stack of favs. Dot’s probably the one where I like her personality as-written the most, since Abby I find difficult to summarise beyond “she’s gender” and loving her friendship with her besties in TIOL (and also getting my heart destroyed after seeing her and Joey interact in DCTL). Abby seems like a delight to interact with and I enjoy that she’s a little bit rude at heart but in a “omg its true but u shouldn’t say it lmao” sort of way, and I get the sense that she and Joey kind of enabled each other when they were younger. I’d love to hear more of her art opinions. I would say I’d get in a fight with her about Monet, but I don’t think she’d even give me the honour of an argument.

We as a fandom have spent a lot of time yelling about how Buddy is clearly autistic and I don’t think we spend NEAR enough time talking about how Dot is clearly autistic as well. I really like the contrast between the two of them through that lens; Buddy has never understood an unstated implication in his life and he’s not about to start now, but badly wants to interact the way he’s expected to, whereas Dot is incredibly intuitive, perceptive, and understands subtext but has no time for it frankly and would rather be direct than conventional. A day after meeting Buddy she’s explaining how conversations work and coaching Buddy on how to ask questions even when he’s being guided away from asking questions, which is definitely a normal way to converse. I love her so much.

Meanwhile Susie is so complicated by virtue of having almost no presence in the books – just the games, where her timeline is one of the most up in the air, her writing is hit or miss, and so so much of her personality is in the gaps between audiologs that, like most in-game BatIMs, means no two fandom Susies are the same. I find her really compelling, though, exploring the character to find that sweet spot between someone who is clearly very charming and cheerful and sweet and sympathetic, but also cruel enough to become Malice, entitled and demanding enough to not take “no” for an answer and to simply decide that Alice should get to be hers forever. I’ve said before that I like to imagine that’s what Sammy saw in her, someone who could somehow be simultaneously thoughtful and optimistic and ruthlessly ambitious. I think she’s neat, but also I love her best when she’s not just sweet and not just horrible.

Anyway, Audrey’s a fun character with a lot of pretty believable emotional responses; when scenes are taken individually, I like her. Grain of salt that I haven’t watched the whole game, I’ve just seen some big moments and cutscenes, SO I COULD BE WAY OFF HERE -- but from what I've seen, while it’s tempting to say she has more personality than her predecessor, I’d be hard-pressed to pin down exactly what that personality is.

I don’t think it was intentional, but Henry’s weary compartmentalisation soaked into every comment he made, even when the things he was saying were deliriously strange (“[survives a deadly supernatural ordeal] huh, looks like I need 3 gears here”). We all made headcanons about how he’s either tired from the loops or selectively mute or just trying not to think about the horrors, and it felt like it worked. But Audrey is tough to really pin down a motivating force for, as if she’s defined by static descriptors like “determined” and “kind” rather than any particular desire like “wants to help” or “wants to stay out of trouble” that might spur her to make decisions based on those desires. Her most consistent character trait is giving others the benefit of the doubt (and constantly getting burned for it) and her most reinforced motivation is that she just wants to not be in the confusing dangerous weird ink place, which, like, same! I WOULDNT WANT TO BE THERE EITHER

She sounds bitter when Joey compares her to a father she never knew, which is an expected and reasonable response on its own that feels right in the moment – but when we look at her timeline (or the Archive’s revelation that she repressed her memories of her father AFTER Joey’s death), it’s actually a sort of difficult reaction to make sense of. I feel like a lot of her reactions are like this, especially near the end; they’re not that weird in the moment, but it’s hard to get a sense of why she’s doing these things or what’s led her to the conclusions she comes to. She defends Wilson to Allison, but like… what led her to believe that he’s legit? We can fill in those blanks with headcanons, of course, but we don’t have strong clues. Is it her having sympathy for him now that she “knows” he’s trying to save his father, or does she think it’s her best shot to get out of here, or does she really believe Wilson is going to fix everything despite everything else she’s seen? Do her chat with Henry and the revelation that Baby Bendy and the Ink Demon are one and the same just not affect her decision-making at all here? Or is killing Baby Bendy just a sacrifice she’s immediately willing to make once she realises that? What ARE Audrey’s feelings on her father and at what point does she remember him? Audrey giving Allison her name is a nice subtle indication that she’s started to accept that Joey’s story might be true, which I genuinely like, but it’s weird that we see her doing that right before insisting that she’s gonna go off and hear Wilson out – we get this indication that she’s started believing Joey, but apparently not enough to decide to try to fix the cycle, not enough to put together that the “wicked creatures who never came from my pen” might be the Keepers that she knows answer directly to Wilson. She’s determined to help Wilson so that she can get out of there, and only after that extremely fails does she decide to try to fix the broken cycle. (Honestly, it would’ve been kinda neat if she HAD in fact been selfishly helping Wilson as a “well, sucks for you guys, but I gotta get home,” and then Joey’s insistence that we always have a chance to make a better choice would actually mean something and inform her decision to take the Reel as more than just “well I guess this is the option that I have left.”)

Anyway, DESPITE THIS CRITICAL PARAGRAPH this is all fine for a player character who basically just needs to go from task to task; I think she’s likeable and I enjoy her interactions. But it does feel like a lot of times she’s just doing the next thing she’s been handed, to me, and it’s harder to make that a part of her personality than it was for Henry. It’d be neat to see a little more of Joey in Joey Drew’s daughter.

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

The emotional whiplash of a late autism diagnosis.

When I first thought about reaching out for an autism diagnosis, I did not expect the emotional roller-coaster it put me through.

I had suspected I was autistic since 13 years old. I was self diagnosed since 18 years old. I’m now 22, meaning I had related to and thought about being autistic for close to a decade.

Basically, I thought I was really comfortable with the idea of being autistic. It felt right, it felt good to know what was “wrong” with me. Even whilst going through the assessment process I was ecstatic. I was so excited to finally be able to confidently say “I am autistic”. Or be able to explain away my oddities and struggles. To finally be able to prove why I struggle with certain things.

Even for a few days after my diagnosis, I was so happy. I finally had my answer. I was right all along, I am autistic.

Then, “oh shit. I’m autistic. I will be autistic, for my whole life...”.

Complete, joyful certainty, was followed by doubt, fear and shame.

I am going to be autistic for the *rest* of my existence. I am going to be disabled for the rest of my existence. I am going to struggle with my sensory issues, my social struggles, my difficulty with connection, my sense of feeling out of place...

... for the rest of my life.

It almost felt like a death sentence, despite having been so comfortable with the diagnosis before I got professionally assessed.

Realising that I was actually a medically, 100% authentic, autisitic meant that I had to face the fact that I would NEVER be neurotypical. I can NEVER be normal. This is who I am, forever.

Yes, there are treatments and therapies and meds, but this won’t just go away. Being diagnosed doesn’t make it go away. It makes you realise just how permanent it is.

So, for a few weeks after my diagnosis, I have been grieving. I know that sounds weird but the idea of who I was, am, and will be, has had to completely change for me.

I will never be able to overcome my autistic traits. I thought through self improvement and hard work I could overcome my social anxiety, food aversions, high sensitivity and social blindness. But I won’t. Not completely. I can manage my traits and work on lessening their effect, but autism will ALWAYS influence my life.

Another aspect of being diagnosed that was depressing to me was realising how much time I wasted trying to be neurotypical. I’m an autistic person who tends to mask... a lot. I even referred to myself in the past as a chronic people pleaser... during some points of my life I feel as though I completely lost my identity to masking. To trying to be something I wasn’t.

I’ve had to realise how much time I wasted trying to make myself normal. Years of my life. My entire highschool experience, entire jobs... wasted to the mask. (Masking is not necessarily bad I just personally took it too far).

The part that hurts the worst to me, is realising that I never had a chance. I thought if I masked enough I would pass as normal, be able to live a neurotypical life.

But I never had even a sliver of a chance at succeeding at being neurotypical. At being “normal”. All my efforts were basically for nothing.

I’m sure now that people have always been able to tell I was different, an oddity, perhaps just a bit “eccentric”. But little-me was always destined to fail.

I was always destined to run into major burn out. Masking 24/7 for literal years was guaranteed to destroy my mental health and ruin my identity, self confidence and self worth.

The other aspect I struggled to comes to terms with is how no-one noticed. Looking back at my childhood, I feel as though it is extremely obvious I was struggling. I had few friends, was very emotional, very withdrawn. But because I was doing well in school and could talk no one seemed to want to look further into me.

I know that my lack of a diagnosis was not from a lack of love from my parents. I know that logically. Yet I can’t help but feel betrayed. They didn’t notice such a pervasive and destructive disability (only destructive because of my lack of understanding at the time) in their own kid. I question if they cared, if they loved me. If any of my teachers even gave a shit about me.

But despite all this, I feel as though I am slowly coming to terms with what being autistic will mean for me, and for my life. Being able to identify as disabled has made self compassion so much easier for me already.

To finish off, I want to let you all know that this is my warning. Self diagnosis is a wonderful thing. But no matter how comfortable you feel with your self diagnosis, if you go to get a professional diagnosis please be prepared for a LOT of feelings. It’s a lot to process. Please be kind to yourself. <3

[aria-ashryver]

Sorry if I keep asking questions lol 😅 But I do have one more. There is an Immortal Desires one-shot dancing in my head for weeks but I'm a little worried about writing it down as I don't want to come off as copying you (since My MC Mary is very similar to Luca in some ways except she is a black autistic young woman.) But I wanna write it as it features her and Anastasia (the VV MC). Any advice?

oh, not at all love, don't worry! 💖

Characters are always going to have a few traits and details here and there that brush up against those of other characters, and stories will follow similar arcs -- that's just how things are!

But only you can tell the story that is in your heart. It will inherently be its own thing, in that it is yours. Any similarities will become new and unique and wonderful as you shape them ✨

As for advice, one of the best things I can think of is to think hard about what your character wants vs what they need. (I wish I could explain this better, but its 1am and I'm seconds away from going to bed lol, but!) Character development and growth really comes to life when these two ideas are in conflict, and which one your character pursues really says a lot about them.

The other thing is -- don't try to please everyone! Writer joy is palpable, so if there is a scene that you really want to write, don't worry about it being cringy, or not serving your story, or not being what everyone wants -- just write it! Your love of those scenes will become something the reader can feel, and that is all part of the "tell the story only you can tell" thing!

Like, I had reservations about putting some original scenes in SICSIG -- the one where Luca performs with their band, and the trio on a mini road trip before they went to spy on the Creator's camp. I could have cut those scenes and hurried things along with the plot, but they were important to me! They made me happy! And so I leaned in to that joy, and then afterwards, a couple of folks told me those were some of their favourite scenes of the whole fic! haha

If your fic idea is in your head, take a leap and write it down. Try and bring it to life! It is going to mean so much to someone (you!!), and hopefully, someone else will be moved by the way you tell it! I know I loved the sound of your Anastasia when you first mentioned her, and I'd love to get to know your ID MC too!

Best of luck with your writing if you do decide to give it a shot, I hope it brings you so much joy (I'm rooting for you!) 🌸

[phleb0tomist]

Hi, I'm the one who sent the ME related ask, thank you for answering it. I finally found a specialist who works with CFS and hopefully they can help me soon.

Is it okay to also ask about asd/autism diagnosis process? I'm also looking for an evaluation for that too. Obviously I don't want to strain you or anything, so take your time answering! And if you don't want to answer, that's also okay :)

Really appreciate you, genuinely

hello again! thats great, i hope they help and give you a clearer idea of what’s going on! (this is unsolicited advice but if you get options, i view pacing/energy envelope as the safest way to manage ME/CFS. some docs still push exercise-related treatment but a lot of people with ME end up with long-term damage from it, like myself.)

as for autism i was diagnosed as a kid so i don’t know all the details. my mom told our doc her concerns, there was a referral, then a series of appointments over a year. they talked to my family and teachers as well as me. the main topics were social difficulty, sensory issues, repetitive behaviours/movements/stims, and any highly specific trait that impacted my functioning or was unusual for my age (i was like 10). since autism is developmental, adult assessments ask a lot about baby milestones and your functioning as a child, so you may want to make some notes! a lot of autistic people had learning or behavioural issues at school, or learned to walk or talk late (or never), so let the doc know if that was you. i didn’t have delayed milestones but i had executive functioning issues from early on which didn’t match my age. i had a good vocabulary but i just didn’t understand most situations. i couldn’t recover from small mishaps and would have ‘tantrums’ for hours after the problem was resolved. i would scream, hide, climb stuff, run away, self injure etc. I had continual trouble with basic things like hygiene, food & drink, sleep, bathroom stuff, touch,conversations, and i needed every tiny situation explained to me in detail daily. i needed an adult close by my side when other kids could do stuff alone. this was all stuff the assessors found notable, so jot down if you had any similar issues.

evaluators may pay attention to the way you move, tone of voice, responsiveness, word choice and how much you talk, whether your speech is ‘stereotyped’ (aka made of social scripts or soundbytes from movies), eye contact, your clothes (e.g. if they’re consistent with the weather), how reciprocal and ‘appropriate’ your responses are to the topic, and if you keep bringing up ‘unrelated’ topics like a particular interest. adult/teen assessments are different from child assessments and I gather it can be a lengthy process to be diagnosed late, and it can take a lot of work to get a referral. my sibling was diagnosed as a teen and it was more complicated for them. all i can say is do not minimise, and try to use concrete examples of things you’re unable to do or times where your life has been significantly impacted by processing or sensory issues, social struggles, repetitiveness/rigidness - whichever traits apply to you.

if anyone else wants to comment their experiences of teen or adult autism assessment, please do!

[tmbatcat]

i can only explain this interaction that i had the other day thru disco elysium dialog

(btw, never written in my life. only experience is the 8-12th grade assignments and reading AO3. hope it's readable [: also had to translate from other languages so it may sound a bit weird)

YOU - You are standing in a dimly lit office decorated with maybe too much personal touch waiting to know if you could go home a little early. The boss is asking which days everyone is available on, you were the first one to answer. Now you don't have anything to do except wait until everyone is done.

DAY DREAM - Good time to think over what we will do home. Let's play that new game that just cam-

YOU - You are swiftly pulled out of your zone out session by a girl next to you.

DOUBT - You always forget her name...

KNOW-HOW [ Medium - Failed ] - Ah, eh... It starts with a Z... I think

DOUBT - Like usual.

Z-SOMETHING - She is gesturing towards you with a pack of gum in her hand.

KNOW-HOW [ Trivial - Success ] - She is asking you if you want gum. I know that alright.

CHASE - Uuuu , I love gum :)

MECHANICAL HEART - It's not that you don't want gum, but it may be seen as a little unpolite to chew gum while your boss is talking to you, even though you are not paying attention.

YOU - You push her hand away. You don't need it.

Z-SOMETHING - She pushes your hand away and gives you a look that silently says "Are you sure you don't want one?"

CHASE - Aaah!! Dude, she is asking for it. JUST TAKE ONE!

YOU - You can't resist, you take one. By accident you make a happy sound. It's just a thing that you do when you are very excited. Maybe an autistic trait.

Z-SOMETHING - She seems to notice your excitement and gestures again to the pack of gum.

KNOW-HOW - She wants to give you the full pack.

CHASE - Oh my, all of it? For lil ol' me?

YOU - "You sure?"

Z-SOMETHING - "Ya, all yours."

YOU - *You take the pack of gum*

MECHANICAL HEART [ Medium - Failed ]- Oh, this is a good time to make a joke. That's what people do!

CHASE - Say "Thanks, I'm gonna put like 4 in my mouth and choke on them!" It's the truth.

DOUBT - Very bad idea. It's not even a joke. Don't say something self depricating at someone that you barely know. This is the third time that you even saw each other.

YOU - Kinda late, it already left your mouth.

Z-SOMETHING - The smile she gave when you took the pack of gum washes off her face. She looks like she saw a ghost.

DOUBT - What did I tell you, she did not take it good in any way. She took it completely seriously.

Z-SOMETHING - She raises her hand to try to snach the gum packet out of your hand.

MECHANICAL HEART - Play it as joke, run to the other side of the room. Maybe she will see how unserios you really are.

YOU - You walts over to the other corner of the room while smiling and almost giggling. Now everyone is noticing the terrified expression she has.

THE GROUP - "What is going on?" one of them says.

Z-SOMETHING - She starts talking before you can. "She said she wants to put a ton of gum in her mouth and choke and die!" she seems noticeably less terrified now that she took it off her chest.

SENSOR - They all stopped talking. All atention is on you. So much pressure.

DOUBT - Do something, explain yourself!

YOU - "I was just joking."

KNOW-HOW [ Trivial - Success ]- "I do like to chew 3 at once, I choked once."

DOUBT - WHY DID YOU SAY THAAAAT?.!!,?!? YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND!! Don't you have any self-control??!

YOU - "Don't worry, I choked only once and I'm still a-ok."

DOUBT - Good try, all they heard was "choked".

SIDE MANAGER, ELA - The side manager, Ela, stand up and holds her hand open towards you "Give me the gum. You are not allowed to have it anymore."

MECHANICAL HEART - She always parented you, because she cares.

DOUBT - Or she thinks you are incapable. She thinks that if she left you alone for a second she will find you dead in a corner choking on gum and it's all going to be her fault. She also doesn't want a lawsuit on her hands.

SIDE MANAGER, ELA - You hand it over, she gives it back to Z-something.

Z-SOMETHING - She seams kinda relieved that the gum pack is back in her hand, but now she understands that you were trying to make a joke and she took it a bit far by almost screaming.

"You can have it back-"

SIDE MANAGER, ELA - "Nope, not letting you do that."

YOU - You gesture to her that you don't need the gum, to let go of the idea. That's not what's important.

THE GROUP - They start talking over each other, some of them going back to their previous conversation, and some trying to make sense of your "joke".

THE BOSS - She basically glides from behind you and puts a hand on your shoulder and starts walking out the door, practically forceing you to walk with her.

"Ignore them... "

MECHANICAL HEART [ Challenging - Failed ] - Wow, she is so nice. She even gloosed over what you said.

DOUBT - I think she just didn't understand what's going on... You know she doesn't understand other languages well, and everything you said was in English.

FLARE - Just accept the escape she so kindly gave you.

YOU - You do just that and walk down the stairs together to the main entrance, where everybodys outside shoes sit.

FLARE - Change as fast as possible. You don't want anymore interactions for today, you are all spent. You don't want me talking for you, don't we?

YOU - You start changing your shoes to leave while everybody left upstairs starts trickeling down the staircase.

Z-something shows up after a few people have already come down. The people changing next to you are ignoring you, they almost forget the whole interaction that happened upstairs.

DOUBT - They will never forget this.

WILLPOWER - They probably just want to go home just as bad as you after a long day.

Z-SOMETHING - "So, do you want the gum pack, or-?" she trails off. She seems a little nervous.

MECHANICAL HEART - Normally, she is super confident, at a point that you are anxious around her. Now, she feels a little sorry for going overboard.

DAY DREAM - You don't want Ela to find out. She wouldn't do anythig to you, but she would eat Z-something alive.

YOU - "Nah, I don't need it."

MECHANICAL HEART [ Medium - Failed ] - NOW, this is a good time to make a joke!

DOUBT - NO, not again!

KNOW-HOW - Please say "Don't worry, I have depression. I say stuff like that all the time." It's the truth and it will also be very funny.

YOU - And you say exactly that.

Z-SOMETHING - She chuckles out of nowhere, then a small pause, the she burst out into laughter.

MECHANICAL HEART - Conversation won!

DOUBT - Wow, better then I expect it.

WILLPOWER - Second time's the charm.

KNOW-HOW - Look, I'm so good at jokes! She literally had to process what you said twice.

CHASE - You fell like you could make anybody laugh, you are just that powerful!

YOU - You say bye to everyone before you go home. Kinda happy, mostly tired.

SENSOR - So tired.

WILLPOWER - Another day concured!

[selectivechaos]

Hello again! I have some thoughts on the post where you mentioned how it could be detrimental for people to think of autistic mutism and selective mutism as the same thing. I think that's what you were saying anyway?

This is something that has actually happened to me all my life so I agree that selective mutism and its connection to anxiety is really important. For as long as I can remember, I've had my mutism explained away as me being 'probably autistic' even though I've never actually been diagnosed. And that's never done anything to help me. It's only when the anxiety started taking over the rest of my life that it was recognised as anxiety and then I could actually understand what was happening to me. I just wish I'd been given that information earlier. But on the other hand, I know sometimes autism can be misdiagnosed as anxiety which is unhelpful as well. So really, we all suffer from people confusing the two.

Also, I'm kind of hurt that you seem to think allistic selective mutes don't matter or something? I don't know if I am autistic but my mutism is still disabling.

-🌵

hey 🌵anon! yeah your experiences are similar to mine in relation to people assuming i’m probably autistic. and i don’t know if i’m autistic or not because things are complicated and am trans in the uk.

i definitely do think allistic selective mutes matter. but did phrase it badly. i said something like “and i know it’s like, why should we care about them?”

so when i was saying this in the reblog i was trying to make it clear that by me pointing out that allistic selective mutes exist, i wasn’t trying to argue that the term should be absolutely gatekept from autistic people; it shouldn’t be seen as an allistic term or something only allistics have. because many times people say you can’t have both, which is bullshit.

i feel like there’s on the one hand people who reduce sm to an ‘autistic trait’. and on the other hand people who believe you can’t have sm and autism.

this stuff confuses me and i didn’t mean to disregard allistic selectively mute folk.

sm can be really disabling and i hope all selective mutes have a good day. you’re all really strong and wonderful. 🌹🌹

[dear-diary-we-dont-know]

Weirdly, my dad's family thought my mother was lying when I was diagnosed with Austism at Twelve.

I was diagnosed at the same time I got a different genetic disorder diagnosis, Nail Patella Syndrome. Apparently, when testing for other disorders, they'll check for Autism, or ask to because Autism is commonly diagnosed alongside other disorders, especially mine.

My younger brother has Autism as well. He was diagnosed very young, so I think they assumed my mom was doing the Munchausen thing when she was trying to get me diagnosed since I was two, but like my brother was born when I was two and it took almost a year when started to show any identifiable signs.

Doctors either said they refused the behavioral test because I was too extroverted and had basic manners. Etiquette was a special interest of mine for a long time, until I was like fourteen, I'm also Southern. And many autistic people are extroverted and have basic manners?

The many vials of blood I gave for testing came back saying I have my disorders, and we told family, like it's not a secret.

For a bit, I was gonna write a story about my childhood and being Autistic and how that affected me socially, but I wanted outside perspectives of me and my behaviors. So I contacted cousins who used to despise my questions, I would ask, and my info dumping to the point they avoided me. I told them they could be blunt about how they viewed my behaviors ages Three-Fifteen, the ages they avoided me, I left out the avoiding stuff when asking and explained why I was asking.

They all responded, saying that I'm not Autistic that my mom lied to me, and they can't believe she convinced me of that.

Even though when I got the results, the geneticists told me to my face because they'd never seen Nail Patella Syndrome before in their careers, and then let me know about the Autism because it was also part of the results and a rarer form of Autism. Like my geneticist was like, can I bring two colleagues and my mom and I were like, sure? So I had doctors staring at me like I was some guinea pig, and it was constant doctors appointments to make sure my body was not currently in danger because of NPS, more and more vials of blood, and blah blah blah. Yeah, my mom didn't convince me of anything. My deformed nails and skeleton kinda gave it away, and the doctors who told me.

But yeah, for years, they just talked shit about my mom because I had a medical diagnosis. They didn't even try to see if it was true or not. Then, like they kept trying to convince me that she lied, like I let them know I was diagnosed face to face with a group of geneticists and they still thought I was brainwashed so they called my dad to which he was like, "No, yeah. Yellow is Autistic. We did the genetic testing and everything."

Like, it was honestly insulting. One, they acted like a genetic trait was this horrible thing for me to have, and the idea of me having said trait was evil or something. Two, they acted like I didn't have my own mind, and I'm an idiot.

I was honestly furious.

And like this was only two years ago, I was Twenty-One. Aka, almost half of my life, I had this diagnosis, and I've never hidden it because it is what it is, and they just then realized.

Like I know, they avoided me, but they don't even remember why they avoided me. Suddenly, after they got called out, a few years prior, for their past behavior, they pretended nothing happened. And they even made themselves forget because they remembered when they were called out. Mostly, it was the same excuse, "I was bullied in school and I was scared the others would ostracize me if I didn't bully you too."

Bwomp, who cares. I was bullied, horribly in school, concussed, and chased, while I couldn't run because of my disorder, and teachers would accuse me of fighting while I didn't even fight back, I'd only block my face. I'd go from that situation to visiting our grandparents and instantly being bullied again. Locked in playhouses full of Mahogany wasps and spiders, locked out of the house, they go to my room and lock me out, call me names then if I cried from any of it they'd tell the adults I was trying to control them and what they were doing.

I asked too many questions, and I just wanted to understand what they wanted to do. I just wanted to do what they wanted. I just didn't understand.