#and this person goes 'abused?' at which point i literally start to dissociate and lose the ability to think straight about what's going on

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

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[livinwithhumans]

The Tell-Tale Heart of Clay Jensen

From its inception to its release, 13RW created quite a whirlwind in the media over allegations that it causes suicide and is insensitive to these issues. Now, at its end, it feels like 13RW has long said goodbye to those times and has embraced the blunt nature with which it discusses teen issues of suicide, abortion, drug abuse, sexual abuse and gun violence. I have always appreciated that the show took these issues head on and did not back down from a fight even when the media and parents were hell-bent on ruining its legacy. 

Season 4 of 13RW comes at a time where we’re all feeling slightly disconcerted and apprehensive of the future what with a deadly virus at large. I’m sure we all must be feeling trapped not only in our homes, but in our own idle and terrified minds with no room for escape, because there is nowhere to escape. Surprisingly enough that is exactly how Clay feels throughout this whole season. Basically, Season 4 has two goals: to mentally push Clay to the metaphorical cliff’s edge and to wrap all the complex and messy emotions in a 5 minute valedictorian speech. The former I was mildly intrigued to explore, the latter I was not impressed with. Let’s take a closer look at what the show has achieved or failed to achieve in its final season. 

Those who know Clay’s character well, know that he’s the sweet guy-next-door who just goes with the flow rarely stopping to question his sometimes irrational actions and poorly-made choices. Like, when he chose to point a gun at Bryce or when he chose to cover up Bryce’s murder. Having been in jail, becoming so involved with the deaths of 2 close friends (Jeff and Hannah) and covering up a murder, it was only a matter of time before he roller-coastered straight into the deep end. There’s only so much one person can take before they crash and burn. Quite literally in this season, because as we see Clay is haunted by dreams of a terrifying Monty, blood everywhere and Bryce. Even the lighting of this season is dark and monochromatic to reflect Clay’s weakened mental state. To be honest, Clay’s go-with-the-flow nature is the source of his mental distress, because for the past few seasons, he has just been coasting along with the other characters never stopping to think that maybe his friends are wrong and that he shouldn’t go along with the choices they’re making. Of course, at the same time, this quality is Clay’s core characteristic, because he is known for being a loyal friend even if being loyal means jeopardizing his own life and health. 

To put it simply, the Clay this season is a Clay that has lost all sense of purpose. If you’re thinking, what was his purpose anyway? Well, isn’t it obvious? Season 4 Clay has no one to take care of anymore: no Hannah, no Jeff, no Justin, no Skye, no Tyler, no Ani. He lost Hannah in season 1 where he realized he never did enough to care for her. That’s strike one. He loses Skye in Season 2 after they realize their relationship isn’t healthy, because Clay just wanted to stop her from committing suicide. Strike two. He finds Ani in Season 3 only to lose her in Season 4, because she’s already well-sorted and doesn’t need Clay’s help. That’s strike three. There seems to be a method to his pain where he keeps trying to help girls only to realize that he wasn’t helping them in the right way or that they never needed him. Imagine building up this pain of realizing that the one thing you want to do (care for others) is the one thing that you keep failing at. In fact, in season 4, in the lockdown episode, he questions whether he ever even helped Tyler get through his trauma. Clay’s conflict revolves around the fact that he believes that he was never capable of helping anyone and that makes him feel helpless. And it all starts with Hannah. So, in season 4, when he is left with no one to take care of, he struggles through his own emotionally turbulent journey to discover that before he can help others, he needs to help the most important person in his life: himself. It’s clear that throughout the seasons, Clay has been so involved in solving other people’s problems that he fails to solve his own. Which is why Season 4 had to be about Clay finally getting a chance to breathe and take care of himself. After all, if there is one thing this show has taught us, it is to take care of those around you. And that kind of caring starts only when you take care of yourself. Because, self-care is the essential ingredient in the recipe of life. 

Now, I have to admit: Though it was difficult for me to watch innocent and good Clay doing drugs, having sex, crashing cars, starting protests, burning a car, yelling at principals, and starting fights, it was necessary to have this character grow in this way. He had to venture out of his comfort zone and become crazy in order to realize what truly mattered to him and how to reach his fulfilled self. Of course, this kind of character arc is nothing new. We’ve seen it play out for centuries in popular texts, short stories and famous literature (Hamlet anyone?). In fact, one popular short story that comes to mind is Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart.” Now, you might be wondering wait what? But, if you look closely, Clay’s spiral towards insanity closely charts that of the protagonist in Poe’s story. Let’s call him Joe. 

If you’re a reader of popular literature or have studied English literature, then you had to have encountered Poe’s famous short story, “The Tell-tale Heart.” It basically chronicles the living and breathing nature of guilt which can cause an individual to sabotage themselves. Literally, Joe plots and commits a carefully-planned murder only to have guilt rat him out. In the story, Joe has the police visit him after he commits the murder to investigate his house. After they find nothing, he invites them to stay a little longer and entertains them. He is so confident that he won’t be found that he continues to entertain them knowing that a dead body lies in his room. The guilt of knowing that he stopped someone’s heartbeat makes his heart beat louder and louder with guilt until he cannot take it anymore and he confesses to his crime. Why? Because guilt drives him up the wall and right back down to reveal the dead body parts stashed in his floorboard. Poe very smartly shows how after committing an ill-fated act, guilt leads you to second-guess yourself. Guilt throws suspicion over every small detail until the end result is that you sabotage yourself. And that’s exactly what happens to Clay. The resemblance between Clay’s story and Joe’s is uncanny. It’s almost like the writers of the show wrote Clay’s journey towards insanity with Poe’s story in mind. 

Fare warning: Tread with care, spoilers ahead.

Those who have watched the show know that the threatening phone calls, the graffiti (”Monty was framed”), the disabling of the security cameras and the senior camping trip prank was all dissociative-Clay’s doing. It’s a real mind-blowing scene when it hits Clay that he was the one sabotaging himself. The guilt of covering up Bryce’s murder was slowly killing him from the inside just like it was for Joe. It was like there was a part of Clay that did not want to stay quiet about the coverup and wanted the world to know what had happened exactly like Joe. Joe also could not take the fact that he got away with the murder and had to reveal his true colors. It’s something to think of that guilt can eat so much of your mind and soul that you become suspicious of everyone around you. Clay suspects almost every character (Winston, Diego, Charlie, Estella and even Tyler). His guilt actually turns out to be so murderous that it makes him do all sorts of crazy things that he would never do like start protests and yell at the principal. Now, 13 Reasons Why takes it a step further from Poe’s story by having Clay dissociate, so obviously there’s not too much damage control to do at the end (very convenient). Still, it is something to ponder on: that guilt is such a monstrous beast it can make one sabotage themselves. After all, there’s nothing more mentally and emotionally terrorizing than living with the fear of getting caught. Clay lives and sleeps (barely) with his guilt, never being able to escape it. And that’s why, it’s just easy to let it all out like Joe does at the end of the story. BUT, the major difference in 13RW is that Clay somehow finds a way to circumvent his guilt by justifying his choice of covering up a murder. By the end, he realizes that caring about his friends makes him who he is. With that logic, he comes to the conclusion that if he does something for his friends, then that is naturally right (even if that means killing someone and framing someone else for their murder, apparently). Look, it’s great that he finally understands who he is and what motivates him to behave in a certain way. Basically, losing himself helps him find his right and wrong. But, at the end of the day, morality has to be guided by more than your personal moral compass. It has to follow through with the laws set by society and killing and framing someone is just unjust and illegal no matter who those people are. You cannot justify your actions by saying that “they deserved to die” which, by the way, is what Jessica continues to do. I don’t know on what planet this kind of mentality is healthy, but I guess whatever planet that is, 13RW seems to exist on that sphere because it just ignores the injustice of what these characters chose to do. Yeah, all of them have to come to terms with their guilt, but they also have to realize that living a life carrying this secret is more burdensome than just coming out and saying it. I mean this kind of cover-up will never stop haunting them and they may never be able to move on from the past if they don’t let their guilt scream out from the rooftops. That’s where I think Poe’s story is the winner, because it realizes that you can’t let the guilt eat you up. Guilt exists for a reason so that those who commit crimes are eventually found out. Catharsis exists in letting the guilt shout from the rooftops. 

Unfortunately, though Clay exhibits all the signs of self-sabotage and guilt, he chooses not come out with the truth of his actions and those of his friend’s. According to Poe and me, the confession should have been the ultimate resolution to Clay’s arc. Clay shouldn’t have to suffer through the guilt in order to cover up for his friend’s mistakes. However, Clay’s suffering at the hands of his friends doesn’t matter, because the show chooses to neatly tie up the messy crimes and the horrible mistakes these characters committed in a 3 minute valedictorian speech. A speech which ultimately avows that love and acceptance is key to survival. Though that’s true, let’s be honest, it’s just an easy way to brush off the severity of Alex, Jessica, Ani, Clay, Justin, Charlie, Tyler and Zach‘s mistakes. If love and acceptance was key to survival, then we must put forth the question of whether Jessica, Clay and the rest of the characters have actually forgiven Bryce and Monty for their ill-deeds? Did they accept and understand Bryce when he needed to be? What’s lacking here is that though the characters might have accepted their mistakes in the last episode of the season, it still does not mean that they should not have to pay for their mistakes. Clearly, the show lets them get off easy, because even the police officers involved in the case cover up the truth about Bryce’s killer. Now, i’m going to sidestep here to say that I will acknowledge that the show does try to have the characters confess their guilt in a way so that there can be self-acceptance. Like, when Alex confesses to Winston in detail about why and how he killed Bryce. But, still: What message does this send to viewers? That if you have connections with powerful people you can get away with anything as long as you show regret and guilt for your actions? Regardless of whether or not it is a mistake or whether or not you are sorry for it, no crime should go unpunished and unconfessed. And I think the adults more than anyone have a huge hand in ensuring that the truth about Bryce’s murder never comes out. That being said, I’m not defending Bryce’s character in any way or saying that he was always a good person, but he was a human being regardless of the horrible crimes he committed. He does not deserve to have the truth of his murder hidden. The show seriously makes a huge mistake by having characters like Winston and the police officers decide whether or not they should let the truth of Bryce’s murder come out. 

Though it is the characters that covered up a serious crime, it’s the show that pulls off the biggest cover up of all: it attempts to dismiss its characters mistakes by excusing it as something that should just be understood and accepted rather than confessed. The show values understanding and acceptance over having the truth come out. Of course, understanding and acceptance of your guilt and your mistakes is a huge part of moving on, but confession is the final step to ensuring that these characters do not suffer a life filled with mental agony and despair. I know it seems that Clay’s journey into mental darkness was resolved with some therapy, understanding and self-reflection, we all know that covering up a murder is not a small crime and will eventually become unbearably taxing to the soul like it did for Joe. As Poe very neatly shows in his story, letting the truth come out about your past mistakes and crimes is the only road to living a mentally stable life filled with acceptance, forgiveness and understanding. After all, confession is not only good for the soul, but also for the mind. 

[hisband]

   MURDOC & SYMPTOMS OF ADHD.

   ADHD is defined as a chronic condition marked by persistent inattention, hyperactivity, and sometimes impulsivity. ADHD begins in childhood and often goes unrecognized into adulthood. this is especially true in the past, and murdoc, being a child raised in the late 60s and early 70s, definitely got filed into the Unrecognized Neurodivergence category. already looked down upon by his teachers for belonging to a notorious, deeply disliked family, murdoc’s behaviour also earned him labels such as “slacker” and “troublemaker.” 

   in ri/se of the ogre, it’s mentioned he did things like cutting classes, distracting his classmates with “endless quacking noises” and making “pointless malicious jokes.” while i do think some of that behaviour may have A) been blown out of proportion by his teachers because they didn’t like him and B) was likely the result of his negligent household, i think he also acted out because... well, he couldn’t help himself, didn’t understand he was being disruptive and was never taught how to control those impulses. impulses that he still has, though they manifest in different ways, such as... 

becoming easily distracted by low-priority activities or external events that others tend to ignore. anyone who knows murdoc at all knows how difficult it is for him to keep his thoughts in a straight line unless he’s in a professional setting ( and even then, he has a tendency to go off on tangents from time to time ). though he’s excellent at setting goals for himself and taking the necessary steps to achieve them, other things tend to catch his eye along with the way. murdoc is very observant, which is both a blessing & a curse depending on the circumstances.

having so many simultaneous thoughts that it’s difficult to follow just one. see above. murdoc has a lot going on in his head at once, and because of that, he struggles to articulate himself when he’s speaking unless he’s had time to plan out his responses ( being a celebrity, he was likely coached how to do this properly ). this may give off the impression that he’s a bit of a ditz, which couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth. talking out loud can just... be hard for him.

difficulty paying attention or focusing, such as when reading or listening to others. yes, he can be incredibly watchful... if the situation is of the utmost importance or if he feels like he has something to gain. but when he’s trying to focus on something he really doesn’t care about or that won’t benefit him in some way, you’ve lost him.

frequently daydreaming or “zoning out” without realizing it, even in the middle of a conversation. linked to the point above. also ties into point #2 in regards to murdoc thinking about too much at once.

struggling to complete tasks, even ones that seem simple. like i said before, murdoc often has a hard time motivating himself to do things he has minimal interest in. believe it or not, he isn’t trying to be a lazy asshole; his brain chemicals just don’t work the way they’re supposed to. the brain uses electrical impulses to carry messages from one neuron to the next - messages that help us notice things, pay attention and take action. in the brain of someone with adhd, the brain doesn’t always release Enough of those chemicals. when something interesting or exciting comes along for someone with ADHD, however, then our brains releases a larger amount, which helps us get started and stay glued to the task ( which is why murdoc is such an efficient musician / songwriter a decent chunk of the time ). people with ADHD don’t have voluntarily control of the release - we can’t tell ourselves to get started on a task and make it happen unless we’re really into it, or if we fear something bad will happen if we don’t deal with things right on the spot.

a tendency to overlook details, leading to errors or incomplete work. murdoc doesn’t Always exhibit this symptom because he’s such a perfectionist - at least when it comes to subjects he feels genuine passion for, like music and live performances - but when it comes to things he’s less sure about or can’t really bring himself to get invested in, he gets... sloppy.

poor listening skills; for example, having a hard time remembering conversations and following directions. pretty self-explanatory. his drug & alcohol abuse ( both past and present ) really don’t help with his lapses in memory. he’s a lot better at navigating around new locations than he is remembering something someone said to him earlier that day, however. all the travelling he does has helped him get better at figuring out where he needs to go and not panicking when he gets lost.

quickly getting bored and seeking out new, stimulating experiences. another self-explanatory one. this symptom occasionally overlaps with the risk-taking of murdoc’s BPD ( which i plan to discuss in more depth in future posts ). because of the overlap of his BPD & his ADHD, murdoc experiences a special form of inattention as part of dissociative states when he feels emotionally stressed, particularly in response to feelings of rejection, failure, and loneliness. his inattentive ADHD symptoms are particularly prominent in situations that lack external stimulation ( i.e. during boring, routine, or familiar tasks ). it should be noted that those with BPD have a tendency to resort to self-harm in order to alleviate tension; those with ADHD are more likely to regulate emotional symptoms through things like extreme sports, novelty seeking, sexual activity, and aggression. as someone who suffers from both disorders, murdoc’s got a lot on his plate.

poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered). it depends on the situation and circumstances. when it comes to matters that are important to gor*llaz, murdoc watches over them like a hawk and ensures that everything is in the correct place & order... most of the time, so long as he’s somewhat sober. when it comes to his personal belongings, though? absolute disaster in the earlier phases. his organizational skills don’t start getting better until around phase 4, in which he copes with the loss of control over his life by becoming extremely anal about how everything around him is presented.

tendency to procrastinate. unless the goal in question is extremely time-sensitive & important, yeah - and even Then murdoc will still sometimes leave shit to the last minute. he frequently forgets the thing he means to do before he starts doing something else. when he’s so distracted by outside stimuli, as well as internal thoughts, it can be hard for him to even make it to the starting line. and once he finally does get started, he may become sidetracked by something else more interesting... and so his original task gets delayed even further. do you see where i’m going with this?

trouble starting and finishing projects. thanks to his ADHD-fuelled boredom, murdoc tends to have a lot going on for himself at once. the problem is, he sometimes has trouble finishing his side projects because new ones pop up and replace them. this is why it’s important for murdoc to have a a Primary Project or Goal to worry about - because without one, he’d be aimless.

time blindness. ties in with issues such as chronic lateness & forgetting appointments / deadlines. murdoc, like most people with ADHD, has a distorted sense of time. waiting in line can feel like hours and what feels like fifteen minutes of fun activity can really be forty-five.  if murdoc forgets the purpose of his task, he’ll be uninspired to finish it. those with ADHD have two times: “now and not now.” for example, if a work project is due next week, we figure we’ll have plenty of time to do it - and the next thing we know it’s monday. that sort of thing. this distortion of time leads us to believing we have more time to complete tasks than what we actually do.

constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills). this is why murdoc needs to watch closely where he sets things down. if he’s not paying enough attention, his brain won’t lay down a memory of the event - it’ll feel like it never happened. this can make him a real pain in the ass to live with at times, because more often than not the object he lost will be in plain sight and he’ll be tearing the place apart trying to find it.

   but murdoc’s most prominent ADHD symptom of all would be his impulsivity. said impulsivity makes it difficult for him to inhibit his behaviours, comments, and responses. he tends to act without thinking, or react without considering the consequences. he has a habit of interrupting others, blurting out the first thing that pops into his head ( no matter how tasteless or inappropriate ), and rushing through tasks without reading the figurative or literal instruction manual. murdoc’s lack of impulse control makes staying patient extremely difficult for him. for better or for worse - usually the latter - he tends to jump into risky situations that cause him more harm than good in the end. this poor self-control has led to addictive tendencies, as well as difficulty behaving in socially appropriate ways. said difficulties include:

being easily flustered and stressed out.

irritability or short, often explosive, temper.

low self-esteem and sense of insecurity or underachievement.

trouble staying motivated.

hypersensitivity to criticism.

talking excessively, usually about a million things at once.

trouble sitting still. constant fidgeting.

   there’s a million other things i Could say about murdoc as a character with ADHD and would Like to say but. i think this covered all of the bases. more later, yes.

[queengeekrose]

Setbacks and Mental Health

As some of you know, I started streaming on Twitch last summer, in July, as a way to help me manage my mental health and deal with some of my issues that I have because I'm almost completely housebound. Being housebound like I am means I have very little interaction with other people, except online, and what I do have tends to be limited to doctors and other people who are also ill, or to people who are seeing me in a very limited set of circumstances, most of which are not positive, and people tend to judge me rather harshly for, for a variety of reasons. It makes my introverted nature and extreme shyness and social anxiety a lot harder to deal with, especially since I hear a lot of very rude comments whenever I go out, because I have very good hearing, and sadly, I am far too used to hearing this type of thing. I've been hearing abusive comments thrown at me since I was old enough to understand words, from one person or another. Most of them I can just let roll off my back, but some bother me, a lot. I get triggered, in the true meaning of the word, by some of the comments and I start to backslide into mental health issues that are scary and it can take days, week, or even longer to pull myself back out of those pits. I haven't really talked about it with anyone online, honestly, but maybe I should. Maybe I should bare my soul and be honest about what happened to me over time, instead of just hinting at things and letting people draw their own conclusions. It might help me deal with things too. I'm not really sure.

Some of the things I've taked about in my writing, extensively, happened to me. Others I drew from experiences I helped others get through. All of them however do have more than a large helping of truth to them, when I was describing the hardships of abuse, mental torture, rape, violence, kidnapping (someone I knew in college was grabbed by an ex and held against her will for about six days, she was extremely traumatized and had to leave school because of it by the end of the semester and ended up moving in with me for a few weeks before that, because she felt safer around me than anyone else), eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and painful shyness. I have even talked a bit about PTSD in my stories, and ADHD. All of these things I'm pulling from my own experience, to make my writing as real and human as possible, even though I'm trying to write a character other people can relate to as well. What I'm trying to do is flesh out enough realism to give 'you' a backstory without taking over whatever headcannon you are creating for yourself in the story, when I do that, so I borrow very heavily from my own experiences to keep the experience geniune and grounded. I want thing to be so real you can picture them vividly in your head and immerse yourself, not get lost because something seems inauthentic or wrong, so I tend to pour myself into the writing, more and more, as time goes on. And it's somewhat cathartic too, to a degree, to write about some of the issues I've been through. Don't misunderstand me in anyway please. It's still extremely hard to think about to talk about with anyone and still feels like an open and bleeding stab wound most days, but maybe now it feels like the knife has been removed and the bleeding has slowed a bit, to the point it's not so dangerous anymore. I can cope with things a lot better, most of the time. My writing gave me a lot of my mental piece of mind back.

And then I found streaming and the online communities on Discord and Twitch. This really turned around a lot more then. I had suffered a major mental setback when my father died, even though we were estranged, for a variety of reasons, and mental health had reached an all time low. I went to a doctor and started some new medicines, which helped, slowly, and after about four months on them, I was able to function somewhat normally again a bit. That's when I found Twitch and really threw myself into streaming, modding, and Discord, communicating with people that way. It helped me pull myself back out a lot faster and basically reset my mental health meter to normal much more quickly and stay balanced, with fewer slips. I still had a few day to day struggles with things, like remembering to eat, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing much of, or really at all, when my mood swung started to slip. It had been nearly a year, really, since I had eaten normally, if I'm being honest. That means, as of writing this, in February of 2019, it's been over two years of me having little to no appetite, often skipping meals or forcing myself to eat just one meal a day. I had a lot of medical treatments in there too that made me nauseated and I threw up anything I did eat. Sadly, I never lost a large amount of weight and I am still rather overweight. I did lose some, not that I was really trying to at any point, I just haven't had the appetite or desire to eat anything and facing for often seems like too much for me.

Twitch helped me find people with similar interests and helped me find new areas I was able to absolutely shine in. It didn't matter that my legs didn't work normally, I had a natural talent for keeping communities in line as a moderator on streams for other people. So what if I was a bit overweight? I could make badges and emotes that people liked. Who cared if I struggled with shyness in person? The internet was a great buffer and it meant I never actually saw who I was talking to directly in my streams. I was just talking to names. And yes, sadly I did get trolls. But not that many really, compared to a lot of women I've talked to. I figured it was just soemthing I'd have to live with. Mostly I got them early in my streaming career and they came in and heckled me about my weight, I kicked them out and it was over, I moved on, no harm no foul. I mostly even forgot about them pretty immediately. They didn't leave any lasting impact on me because as I said, I've been hearing that kind of comment, or ones like it all my life.

The trolling I got last week on Wednesday night was different though. For the first time ever it was very sexual in nature. It made me extremely uncomfortable. There were three trolls involved as well. The first was fairly harmless, just egging the second on, who I warned several times, then timed out and eventually banned. The third crossed several lines and has caused me so much emotional and mental distress I have been struggling with severe relapses of my major depressive disorder, PTSD, and even dissociating, which my family doesn't know about. I don't know how to tell them about it. They think it's just me spacing out or my mind wandering, not that I'm literally unable to answer and I lose chunks of time, even if I've answered. I didn't even realize I had been dissociating again until a friend told me he had said things to me and I couldn't recall any of those conversations, nor most of the evening really. I realized I had large gaps in my memory of what had been going on with small breaks in the fog that were clear, what usually happend when I'm having my episodes, and I knew I had to do something. I had to take a step back. I don't dissociate unless something is seriously wrong, obviously.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering just what happpened that triggered me so badly that night. I'll explain. First, those two trolls shook me up pretty badly. Like I said, I'm extremely introverted and streaming is already a struggle for me a lot of the time, even if I put on a good front and can act like it's no big deal. Inside, I'm terrified. It wears be down and wears me out. Dealing with trolls in my own stream is hard on me. (On other people's channels, I have no problems, when I'm the mod. I know it's my job and they trust me to handle things.) Secondly, there was a later troll who came into the stream who sent me a direct message, without ever addressing the stream, asking me personal questions like what I was wearing, then trying to buy my panties for insanely large amounts of money. That triggered my PTSD very badly. In college, I had had a guy attempt to sexually assulat me and call me a whore, offering me increasing large amounts of money, much the same way. I only got away because I kicked him off me and screamed for campus security, who heard me and hauled him off. I never told my family about it, mainy because I hate talking about it and don't want to bring it up. I will say though, I don't think he was getting up quickly from my kick at the time. It was before I was in a wheelchair and I had a very powerful set of legs and actively practiced kickboxing. But regardless of that, it triggered me very, very badly the other night, and I'm still suffering occassion episodes. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled very soon, and I intend on talking to her about what to do then, if things haven't gotten back to normal by then, but in the mean time, I'm immersing myself in my usually stress relieving activities and taking a short break from Twitch and twitter to get my mental health back in order.

Sadly one of the side effects of all the mental health issues I struggle with is terrible insomnia. It means many nights I'm unable to sleep, or sleep only a few hours. I know it makes my friends and family worry, but I can't help it. It's all my brain is letting me get. I nap when I can. If I try to sleep more, I have horrible, terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I also just can't sleep. I'm really trying to do my best here everyone. Please know that. I appreciate the worry. Just know I'm still here, struggling on, one day at a time. That's the real meaning behind #PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) after all. Just doing my best, moving forward a day at time and not giving up. It's also why I try to pay it forward as much as I can and make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of too. Stay safe and happy everyone. I love you all!

QueenGeekRose

[cetaceans-pls]

What Are You Doing With All Of My Tax Dollars?

Local entitled idiot asks beleaguered administration staff of a small, deeply underfunded public university.

  The answer, it turns out, is whatever it takes (to take care of each other). 

AU Yeah August Day 2: College (VLD College AU, slightest hint of Sheith)

-

Being the most senior member, and more importantly being the person least likely to snap and go right the hell off at a haranguing parent means that Shiro is usually manning the little counter in the admin office. He’s got patience for miles, and while he doesn’t tell the others this, being an emotionally scarred army veteran can come in really handy, what with the ability to dissociate at will and keeping an extremely attentive face on even while his thoughts are 3.5 light years away. 

Unfortunately, today’s Concerned Father is all 50 shades of Unpleasant Dick, and instead of pleasantly floating a little out of his body, Shiro feels a migraine coming along as he tries to not grind his teeth too much. Budget cut after budget cut after budget cut; it’s been a while since they’ve had dental, and Shiro’s only got so many teeth in his head.

“I understand, Mr. Sincline, that it must be really troubling for you that your son is unable to take his finals, but we most certainly sent out a reminder to both you and your son that unless his overall attendance is at 75%, he won’t be allowed to sit for the Statistical Physics paper. Professor Slav was very clear about-”

He gets cut off, as Mr. S goes off again, banging the counter with a fist. The whole thing used to be cheap metal, but Hunk had gone off one weekend and come back with a beautiful hand-crafted wooden counter that he installed before the first class even started that Monday.

It may or may not have been because Shiro had dropped to the ground in a blind panic when a student there to ask a question had stumbled and kicked the counter, everything going BANG! in too close proximity to Shiro. Either way, Mr. S’s fist thumps unsatisfyingly on the dark wood, and with minimal charity Shiro hopes he gets a nasty splinter.

He gives the man another minute and a half of shouting, pretending to give a damn that Lotor can’t graduate without passing this class, before attempting to interrupt once again. It’s late in the day, and while Shiro personally would prefer if his team would just go home and leave him to his fate as soon as the clock hits 4:00 PM, prior experience has shown that they all adhered to ‘No Man Left Behind’ more rigorously than Shiro’s ever encountered. He’s got to defuse the situation, and just get this man the hell out. “Mister Sincline, I could perhaps get you in contact with Professor Slav? There isn’t much that we can do on the administrative side without the professor’s okay, and-” 

And Shiro doesn’t have any love lost for the world’s most singularly infuriating academic, so he’ll go the easy route to solving the problem today. Diverting to the faculty was a technique that usually worked, because god knows nobody respects the admin, but today is nobody’s lucky day because the man somehow gets even more enraged he turns an unflattering shade of blood-bloated purple.

“How dare you try to shift responsibility for this! It’s your fault that there’s such a ridiculous policy to begin with, how is attendance in any way related to performance! What is the point of me paying my taxes if it goes to all you idiots-”

The venom goes on for a while, and Shiro lets the man continue being superbly unpleasant while he checks his computer, under the excuse of checking the system for anything that might help.

There’s a message from Pidge on the group Slack, under about 15 frowning emojis from Lance. Pidge is technically in the IT division, but she says that the other techies spent so much time in the server room that they wouldn’t notice that she was missing from their office regardless. She’s friends with Hunk and Lance, the solitary Career Councillor the campus has, so she spends most of her time there with them. She’s the most dangerous person there, probably, and Shiro’s at the head of a team of people who could, under other circumstances, be quite successful mass-murderers.

Pidge:

Taxes my ass. Guy’s got shell companies for his shell companies. Hope he’s looking forward to the IRS coming for his ass after they get this anonymous tip-off.

Pidge also enjoys spending time in their office because nobody has a hope of stopping her from using the university network to hack stuff and possibly spy for Russia. Shiro usually goes by the book, but as a general rule as long as somebody chips in to keep the good coffee flowing and is nice to the rest of the team, he doesn’t have a problem looking the other way over some genteel espionage.

The teeth-grinding come in handy, because Shiro’s jaw is sore and locked and it stops him from bursting into laughter. Their office had a grand view of the visitor’s car park, and Lance had whistled low and loud when a shiny hunter green Jaguar had come tearing in to park. Pidge had run the plates before Mr. Sincline had even reached the office, and now she’s exacting revenge before the man’s even finished the tirade.

Shiro nods distractedly when the screaming man had to take a break to answer a phone call, storming out but staying close enough that they could hear him shouting at his assistant about ??? Lord only knows what. Shiro hears Lance, Hunk, and Pidge whispering behind him, but a new message on Slack distracts him.

Ah, Keith. Their second-most-senior staff member, the man who steps up and in when Shiro’s off on sick days. Keith used to be the last person called to deal with a problematic guest, even after Pidge, because of his tendency to solve problems by being unflinchingly, brutally honest and blunt. Keith’s really come into his own though, ever since Shiro had to take 3 straight months of leave when the arm transplant went straight to hell. Keith’s a lot calmer, and better at handling people with a kind of quiet confidence that inspired people to believe that This Man Can Solve My Problems. 

Keith also still has a protective streak the size of South America when it comes to Shiro, and even with his growth and maturity, can be relied upon to throw down with anyone that was abusive to Shiro. He bristles when people are shitty to Hunk, Lance, and Pidge too, of course, and he would fight God himself for them too, probably, but when it’s Shiro in the hot seat, Keith is 100% shoot first deal with real life consequences after.

This is why there is a team Slack with Keith, and a team Slack without. As soon as Lance had spotted the Jaguar and (rightly) assessed that they were in for a rough one, Hunk had shot to his feet and handed Keith a huge stack of folders and sent him off to the Dean’s office, ostensibly to talk about finances. Lance had then sent off a message to Allura; it’s Code White, aka Distract Keith While Shiro Deals With A Dick. They’re beautifully coordinated; Keith’s safely ensconced in Allura’s office before Mr. Sincline’s shadow even darkened their door. 

It’s worked in the past, but, damn, it won’t work now. 

Keith:

Allura forgot that she had a conference call coming up, so she said to say sorry but she’ll need to have me come back with the docs again. On my way back.

Shiro curses, and it’s vehement enough that Lance catches it. Lance had weirdly sharp eyes and ears, and he says it makes him a more attentive listener. Personally, Shiro thinks they’re skills honed over years of making sure that smaller siblings didn’t accidentally kill themselves in exciting and unusual ways, but whatever the reason, Lance does have a tendency to hear things not meant to be heard.

“You all right over there, boss man? I’m in pretty good condition to ignore the hell outta some rich snob with a dumbass kid, so I can swap in for you if you want.” 

Lance does use his gifts for good sometimes, and it makes Shiro smile as he swivels in his chair to face them. “Thanks, but we’ve got bigger problems than a man who actually thinks that his kid would have aced Slav’s hell course without going to classes. Allura’s got a call, and Keith’s already heading back. We’ve got, oh, maybe a minute before things get really rough.”

They don’t, in fact, have a minute. Shiro will scold himself later for forgetting Keith’s absurdly fast walking pace. The man is all vicious energy contained, and despite being smaller than Shiro is, Keith somehow gives a stronger impression of a barely-controlled freight train.

They don’t have a chance to plan anything properly either; the door to their office slams open again, knob digging a chunk out of the plaster of the wall, and it’s Mister Sincline again. Shiro restrains a sigh, and drags on his well-worn customer-service smile as the man gets pumped up to be a massive cock again.

“You know what, I’m done talking to you,” Mr. S. goes, voice booming. “I pay my taxes and the ridiculous tuition fees, I donate generously to this school, and I refuse to be assisted by an incompetent cripple.”

Shiro feels half his smile slip right off his face, and Hunk, Lance and Pidge are suddenly terrifyingly, deathly quiet behind him. Which is bad enough, because between the 3 of them they could take on a mid-sized army just on spite and vehemence alone.

Oh, no. Because karma’s got it’s kiss for him, surely, Keith appears in the doorway just in time to hear Mr. Sincline say.....what he said.

Oh, no, thinks Shiro a little faintly. It’s going to be a bloodbath, and the cost of getting all the stains out of the carpeting is going to come straight from his pocket.

“Well? Where’s your manager?” Mister Sincline carries on, completely oblivious to his impending brush with death. Keith has literally, literally rolled up his sleeves as he comes up behind the hulking, imposing man, and Keith won’t attack his back because Keith’s got quite the moral code, but as soon as Mr. S. turns, lord help us, the man will be losing some teeth.

Shiro’s frozen in inaction, mostly because he’s made his peace with how terribly everything is about to go. Happily, the rest of the team are less resigned with Keith committing murder. There’s a short burst of clacking as Pidge types something on her computer, and suddenly the fire alarms are blaring. The split second of surprise is all Hunk needs; he’s sidled to the door as soon as he spotted Keith, and when Pidge’s distraction goes off he rushes Keith and bodily picks him up and hauls him away from the almost crime scene.

Lance, meanwhile, is by the window, and while Mr. S. is distracted with shouting at the klaxons, he throws the smallest stapler they have a good 50 odd metres across the way, zipping through the air to neatly clip the Jaguar’s wing mirror. Now the car alarm joins the fire alarm to make a demonic din, and Shiro’s doing breathing exercises to stop the noise from getting to him (too much).

It’s barely a moment later before Pidge turns off the fire bell, and Mr. S. notices that his fancy, expensive car is screaming blue murder. Shouting abuse at everything in general, the man sweeps out of the room to run for his Jag, not even sparing a glance at Hunk doing his level best to keep Keith pinned to the floor and not up and about and killing the rudest man on Earth.

There’s a moment of relative peace, when Mr. S. gets close enough to his car to shut the alarm, and it’s breathing space for the admin staff and their collective blood lust. Keith is released as soon as they feel that he’s more likely to check on Shiro than leap out a window to attack a man, and Hunk’s making them all a fortifying cup of coffee after locking the office door with a decisive click the very moment the clock strikes 4. 

“I’m preeeetty sure I can nail him in the back of the head with a pencil from this distance,” Lance says, breaking a fairly tense silence. “Hell, I could probably yell his name and then deliver a shoe to his face, but that might make it too obvious that we have it out for him.”

“We sure do,” Pidge replies, fingers flying over his keyboard. “I just reported all his credit cards as stolen, and I’m turning off his auto-debit payment on his mortgage and utilities. Wow, what a screaming dick.”

“Guys, maybe you’re taking this a little too far?” Hunk’s the voice of reason and the bearer of rich, delicious coffee. He even cracked out the caramel sauce for Shiro’s, and while Shiro still has his heart in his mouth from all the commotion, it feels like it grows 3 times its usual size with all the affection.

“Not far enough,” and yeah, that’s Keith, standing by Shiro’s chair with a firm grip on his shoulder, all angry tension. “Who was that man, and where does he live?”

“Keith!” Shiro admonishes, but he can’t quite make himself stop smiling. Being a glorified clerk isn’t really what he saw himself doing when he joined the Air Force so very, very many years ago, but in all fairness, most clerks probably don’t have colleague-friends so willing to cheerfully commit crimes for their sake. “It’s fine, it’s not the first time it’s happened.”

“I sure can make sure that it’s the last time that dude does it,” Keith mutters venomously, but the physical contact and seeing Shiro recovering from his distress is doing wonders to calm Keith down. “What did I tell you about leaving the problem customers to me? Or at least Pidge, she’s pretty cool with other people’s suffering.”

Hunk, Pidge, and Lance all nod in agreement, and Shiro’s not entirely sure what to feel about that. Instead, he tilts his head back and manfully tries not to pout at Keith. “Keith, how many times are you going to try and rescue me from jerks acting like jerks?”

Smiling so warmly he’s almost indistinguishable from the man that was willing to bludgeon another man to death with July’s financial statements, Keith tightens his grip on Shiro’s shoulder.

“As many time as it takes.”

-

A/N: it’s day 2/3 and i’m already out of control. Keith’s Big Mood courtesy of @misterpipsis and this extremely relatable piece of content

[deuce-duce]

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

[soft22]

post 2/2

i dont know how much i care anymore abouuuuuuuuut. being vague and failing here because i Need to Scream but also i dont know how far i can go with that because certain words i cannot slash refuse to say so let's see how this goes

i am Constantly just fuckin. Damaged Goods feeling which. not an object am a person but that's never been a case i have never been given personhood or treated as anything other than an object and something lesser so it's kind of impossible to not use terms like that because it's Kinda True for me

everything is gross and there are literally Two Of Us in this hellbrain going over the same shit constantly except one from the pov of I Love [Abusers] and one from the pov of I Hate Them And Wish They Would Fucking Perish and hhhhonestly. the first pov is fucking me up so bad to have around because that comes with "they did it out of love" which. yeah.

and there's not anywhere i have that i can actually Talk how i Need to because i am acutely aware of how badly some of the shit that happened can affect people and it worries me to say Anything unless i'm so dissociated that i just lose control of my mouth completely

the whole thing of Saying Something Was Supposed To Feel At Least Somewhat Cathartic And Actually It Just Made Things Worse And Made Me Want To Kill Myself is not a. great time to say the least and i feel like i'm back Then when everything was a mess

Then refers to the period of time between ages 9-11 where i/we stopped showering almost completely and started having Outbursts and Destructive Tendencies and Nightmares and Eating Issues and all of that shit and honestly this is. a repeat but 2 inches to the left? i shower but it makes me dissociate and i have Outbursts but they're not anger they're uncontrollable sobbing and Destructive Tendencies but it's not punching walls it's ripping hair out and taking pills on a whim and Eating Issues except it's not binge eating i just straight up basically starve myself and Everything Is Two Inches To The Left

and i'm so Fucking angry but i can't let that be a thing because it scares me despite how cathartic it would be but holy Shit i am Angry and i can't! do anything about it! it's too late! it's been 5 years and nothing has been said til now and it's too late and i'm angry at him for doing what he did and angry at myself for being a scared kid which is irrational and so unfair and ironic because #StillAScaredKid but like nothing is ever going to change now and it kinda sucks

ok wow. none of this was the point i guess i'm Avoiding but who can blame me. but. i'm so cut off but also so emotionally wrecked because honestly how can you know your kid's father is doing Unspeakable Shit and not do everything in your power to stop that i can excuse walking away every time the others hurt me that's FINE i had the power to fight back but i was just a kid and couldn't protect myself and that's. abhorrent honestly that's unforgivable and maybe she was scared too but honestly maybe it comes down to having absolutely nothing in her heart for me and that Fucking hurts

literally one of the first things we but mostly i because. that's why i exist but that's Not the point. one of the first things we ever learned was self defense and how to protect ourself and that's not right at all? like. christ that's so Not Right and Fucked Up and being a normal child was never an option and now i'm just. like. drifting and confused and stuck with the mannerisms of an adult and the brain of a child and the emotional control of a toddler and nothing that's right

i feel stunted and my brain never got the chance to fully mature into something more than a scared child so all the maturity i DO have is learned through trauma and i have no preparation for the real world OTHER than trauma stuff. i didn't learn money management properly i learned it through neglect and i didn't learn politeness and respect towards others through example i learned it because being anything other than that leads to punishment and i am not quiet by nature i'm quiet because at times that saved my fucking life and everything is very fucked up

[whyareyouyellingatme]

A post I deleted in the end

Here's one of the most personal/long things I've ever posted, and if you hate me you'll probably have a field day laughing at this one. I don't know how long it'll take before I maybe...delete it. I don't want anyone to respond with likes or comments. If you have something to say you can pm me, but I don't enjoy talking about it outside of one ong rant. I rant like this so I can jot it all down for records / evidence I'm not irrational, and then move on.

Here's the TL;DR: Rick Ranquist - 40+ years old, lives in Utah possibly Michael Aigner - mid 20's, probably lives in Bellingham by the pool Cooper Texeira - My age, lives in Seattle and goes to my school

All these men are white sexual offenders that did not get a punishment for their crimes.

When I was seven my 20+ year old babysitter did stuff with me that I did not understand, and I don't properly remember a lot of it. I thought it was a game, but it was actually doing sexual favors for a pedophile. I read a line in "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe" about a man trying so hard to forget something unpleasant that he eventually succeeds in forgetting it. I tried to do that with the memory, and it sort of worked until I heard his name, Ricky. My brother said, "Remember when Ricky----" and that's all I heard before I started dissociating and everything was like someone was smothering me with a pillow.

His sister called me a liar when I said "your brother does weird stuff with me and plays games I don't understand". I decided if she didn't believe me, nobody would, because she was my neighbor and my friend. She still doesn't know today I was telling the truth.

I got raped when I was 19 by a 23 year old that had been grooming me since I was 16. I tried reporting it to the police and they laughed at me, nearly hanging up on me. I went to the ER, got a cervical exam while a doctor ogled my vagina with awe (because my relatively young genitals excited him, how professional). The taxi driver saw me crying and said "you put him on a list! Get him on a list!" and nope, he didn't get put on any kind of list. That fucked me up for a long time. I was numb for a long time. I just watched non stop television and didn't think. I can remember the exact outfit I put in a brown paper evidence bag, and I can remember the exact outfit I wore for days afterwards. I really changed as a person after that. Being isolated from all your friends and spending 3 years dedicating all your time to a shitty abusive man that made you think everything was your fault. Not fun.

Weirdly enough, a man who's in my family pushed me not to report the rape or try pushing for anything else from the police, because he thought it would traumatize me further. I gave up. I didn't want to see Michael, he made me sick. I was partially relieved I got out of the cycle of abuse, but I held on to a rage for a while . I still feel it if I think too much about it. I get really angry but it helps nothing because what can I do ? I'd imagine scenarios where I got to kill him as revenge.

It looked really cute on the surface! It looked like I was having a good time. But I was having panic attacks every week trying to make him happy, despite the beatings, despite the yelling (bc that's normal in my household so I thought it was normal in relationships) until the day that he went way too far.

I really thought it was my fault and that I deserved it for being stupid or not good enough. I was too focused on a very heavy school schedule and an eating disorder/self harm problem to realize I could do better for myself. Of course all of his friends saw me as a "crazy bitch" as he was beating me, real nice. His family was really racist and he broadcasted all of our arguments to them. His sister threatened to hit me with a wrench, not knowing/caring that her brother was already beating me. All of them just kind of watched whenever I broke down crying in front of them. His dad said "women get like this", I'm not...a woman. Not for someone like you dude.

Michael showed up at my house a couple days after it happened too. He stalked me for a while. I still get freaked out being alone sometimes. I have a knife collection and pepper spray, and even guns, but none of them make me feel as safe as a genuine friend does. I'm easily startled and for a while I had really horrible nightmares and panic attacks in public. It got a little better with time, but I still have really bad days. It's still difficult going anywhere near medical centers or dealing with cervical exams.

(I tried speaking with a nurse about the possibility that I have PTSD from that event, and she brushed me off with a "Women used to get raped all the time and they would have to just deal with it. You should lose some weight." Which started up my eating disorder again...horribly enough, people have been so cruel to me but I still care so much what they think.)

I tried faking confidence and happiness in college. I don't have a supportive healthy family, I just have me and whoever decides to be my friend. I made a friend group and went to parties with them. That was fun until a person I trusted grabbed at me when I was incredibly drunk. He led me to his room where I passed out. I wasn't sober enough to understand what was going on or even walk properly, and he texted people things from my phone saying that I was okay. It was all just kind of stupid honestly.

I woke up the next day in my room, on the floor, feeling kind of gross and even more gross as I try to figure out what happened the night before. He shows up at my work wanting me to serve him ice cream. I go in to report him because he did end up grabbing me without consent.

I lost my friend group. And after describing him grabbing my chest and ass in a disgusting amount of detail to a man that said "I remember being a young man and partying in college" with a cheerful nostalgia, I lost the case too. He didn't get anything. At this point I was kind of used to being treated like a piece of meat, so I was just mad he didn't learn anything. In fact, he has been checking up on me online to find dirt on me and report ME to the school for talking shit. His girlfriend has been doing the same, angry because she thinks he was trying to cheat with me. Cheating is consensual.

People just don't learn sometimes. I'm not a thing. I'm an nb lesbian though, and the guy that tried stuff with me when I was drunk knew that. He thought he could convert me.

I've been going through all of this without therapy, trying to just go to school. I tried telling a counselor about my situation and he said "those are long term problems that the university cannot handle".

Maybe I seem quiet and aloof, maybe I'm annoying to you, maybe you think I'm a liar or something stupid like that. But god damn it, I am a human being. I've been through some gross shit. I'm tired of people touching me and trying to invade my space. I'm tired of creepy ass college professors comparing me to their girlfriends and saying shit like "things aren't going so well with her". It's never a compliment you're just fuckin weird dude.

I'm super disconnected from reality even now (sometimes) because I don't like thinking about any of this. I stayed silent about it for quite a while because of all the people who probably wouldn't believe me. But uhhhh fuck you guys I know who I am.

This is a really personal story, especially very personal to be posting on facebook. It makes me feel super vulnerable, but not as much as having the memories bouncing around in my head nonstop makes me feel. I have a girlfriend now and I'm living in a pretty safe place at the moment. There's a lot of other shit happening in my life, my PTSD dog (one of my only sources of comfort in a bad time) got hit by a car and died. :( You all probs know about that, I just miss her when I think about the past. So I've just been trying to figure out how to help myself, you know?

This post got really fucking long and I don't feel like editing it. If you ever think I'm quiet, it's because I'm tired of explaining myself. I want to be my usual joke-y self but sometimes that feel really fake. I don't like thinking about all of this, but I think someone should know.

I wanted to write this post when I was sure I could finish it without crying. It has been a while since something super bad has happened to me, and that distance between the event and reality really helps muffle the emotional response.

Cheers to the survivors that aren't "good" survivors that react a specific way. Cheers to those of you that aren't comfortable sharing your story because it's really not anybody's business unless you want to say something.

I don't know, I still try and have fun, pretending nothing happened. I hate this crap. I hate the emotional baggage. Wish I could chuck it, but my brain has a different plan.

Like, all of this shit happened on TOP of me living in an extremely abusive home so you can imagine I tried to kill myself.

I'm a human being. Stop treating me like shit. I'm tired of it. I'm also not as mean as I look, I don't bite. I'm here for you as a friend if you need it. I just couldn't sleep tonight because of all this crap.

Please don't react to this I'm just babbling. I don't want to deal with people that have no empathy for my long ass story just because it's long / badly written. I'm just tired. I'm soooooo fucking tired.

Edit: I'm trying to reread this just once, but I can't even do it. Like not because it's hard, I literally just look at the words and they mean nothing. My brain basically put up a firewall against upsetting shit so I lose touch with reality whenever I get near it for too long. It's hard describing dissociation but if you would like to know more u should google it. A weird time. Anyway gn I'm alright I just needed to fucking let it out.

[morceauoleander]

Hey so...... I finish my essay about Ford Cruller and his disorder. Took a while because i was busy but, its here. 

Anyone is allowed to me to ask questions about this, I’m all ears. You can also read it on google docs.

So I will start this off by saying this is a very informally written essay- I’m not writing this like I’m turning it into my teacher or something. I just love talking and analyzing stuff (this is also me saying that i love answering questions/talking about Psychonauts stuff….so feel free to ask me questions about this or just talk to me in general) so this is kind of why i decided to do this. I have talked about this before in the past i believe, but on a much smaller scale. So i want to use this essay to explain all my thoughts. I hope that aside from educating readers, that it may also help people with writing their own characters and considering certain things. So let’s get to it!

....

Quick summary on who i will be talking about, Ford Cruller: A well known Psychonaut agent who after having his psyche shattered after an intense Psychic battle, was shunned by the Psychonauts organization as they deemed him unstable and not suited for the job anymore. Ford remains underground in the Whispering Rocks Summer Camp near a large Psitanium deposit, which keeps him mostly stable, allowing him to work in secret. What I will be talking here is Ford’s “disorder” or what we assume to be Dissociative Identity Disorder (previously Multiple Personality Disorder). This is a very controversial disorder for media to explore in characters and story, but Psychonauts’ take on it is different than most. As a person who’s been diagnosed with this disorder for almost three years i wanted to pull apart the writing of this character and go over what is good and what is bad. However I want to make it clear that when i go over the “bad” in no way do i hold the writers of the character up to those facts today, nor do i despise them for it in anyway. This game came out in 2005, information was even more scarce than today and regardless this disorder is painted over with so much misinformation today that I only wish for people to be open minded to learning things.

First i want to quickly go over the comparison of Ford Cruller’s situation to an actual person with DID. The game (as far as i can recall and can find by searching through clips and quotes) never explicitly names a disorder as “Multiple Personality Disorder” or “Dissociative Identity Disorder” but it does refer to Ford’s different selves as “multiple personalities” and let's be real, the description of what Ford goes through is basically describing the disorder- from memory loss to different “personalities”. It is just seen as an effect of the psychic battle Ford went through and is vaguely just called a “disorder”. I would not be surprised if the disorder was kept vague on purpose by the writers. What makes Ford’s writing unique to other media with characters that have DID is that Ford isn’t a villain, or he doesn’t have an “evil” alter who is the main focus of the story. With that alone i give Double Fine my personal thanks for not going down that path. Ford has three alters- a janitor, a chef and an admiral. They are all basically him but as if he was only living under that occupation. Like, instead of being a Ford who had gone through all those Psychonauts adventures, he’s just a Ford who went and got a job as a chef or a janitor. Between all these parts, Ford’s alters do not remember anything between them. However, the psitanium underground is what keeps Ford as stable as possible- without he would lose himself to these other identities and never be able to come back to himself. They seem to exist physically… until he switches to another self, but at the same time this allows him to exist in multiple places. The way Ford’s whole story sounds doesn’t seem bad, to me its probably the best attempt at writing this disorder that i have seen. But there are small things that are immediately incorrect.

Some of the things that are done right though- let’s talk about this first. Major points about the disorder that need to be done right is 1) memory loss 2) definable but not outrageous alters 3) describing it to come from a source of trauma. Memory loss is one key symptom of DID and surprisingly many descriptions found in media don’t capture it well at all. Ford’s memory loss is clearly defined in his experiences, he literally has no memory of his switches. I think that many writers don’t want to focus on it, because it’s not super obvious or important. I guess when your main focus isn’t some serial killer alter you gotta focus on something else. On that, the choice of personalities for Ford’s alters isn’t the worst i have seen but i guess that because I’m so used to seeing that evil no good bad boy alter. It is a bit cliche for them to only be centered around their occupations though, but the way they act isn’t drastic from Ford and none of them change physically from their host’s body. But the idea that an alter suddenly knows how to do a job or all these alters can manage some different/totally unique job is quite false. In the setting of the game, it makes itself more plausible as the alters act as complete separate physical entities from Ford rather than one single body, which is the only reason why it works in this setting. The final plus i can name is that the game gently brought it up as an actual disorder that is caused by trauma. It does get some points wrong, which i will talk about, but it named it as a disorder and its description wasn’t totally inaccurate. Most media fails to look at it at all as anything other than a crazy mental disorder, because much of it starts off by saying such a person is evil or dangerous. However Psychonauts brings up for shortly and says its a disorder that simply made him too unstable to work and was shunned for it, nothing extra and nothing about being dangerous.

As much good as Psychonauts did compared to many other stories there’s no doubt that it’s fictional setting allowed some not so accurate symptoms of the disorder to come into the story. Let’s start with probably the most important thing that was messed up, and messed up by countless other people through the years. Ford was traumatized as an adult/a later age, or well. Not exactly “traumatized” in a traditional sense. The fact that this game used the actions of “psychic abilities” to “break” Ford’s mind kind of cancels out the idea that Ford was traumatized in a way that would make the disorder appear. And while in the game’s context it makes sense, the age range for this disorder is very important for that. A person must be traumatized from ages 5-9. An ongoing abuse/trauma or one time event can cause a young child’s mind to not form a definable personality properly and instead have pieces of identities form in order to cope with specific traumatic situations. In the case of the game, Ford is not that age and it happens with fictional concepts that take the “breaking identity” to a more literal sense, and theres nothing else to say than it’s not accurate and can’t be seen as correct at all. It isn’t as easy as saying they could’ve called it something else and been okay with it…… DID is very specific and its obvious what it is even what the writer avoid saying it specifically. There’s no details that could be silenced in this story that would make it seem like it wasn’t DID without changing it completely, thats just fact.

I believe this is the end of what i have to say-- I had a few more breaks between writing this than i expected, but I think i got across what i wanted to say. As i mentioned none of this was writing to hate on what Double Fine made back in 2005. Its more to explain the disorder next to the game so those who have played the game can maybe understand it in real life a bit more, and possibly educate those curious about writing this disorder.

[queerafterthought]

Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs

[stickerpaper]

8/6/17 

Two weeks since my last post? It seems like I waited too long, so I’m just going to basically dump everything, no matter how much I end up typing. 

Last week, I got into another car accident. That makes it the third accident I’ve been in over the span of one and a half months. It was totally out of the blue because my family and I were on a family trip and just suddenly got hit by a Jeep. I’m honestly super tired and I actually got sore and slightly hurt from the accident. My back is even shittier than it was before. I’ve also had nightmares, I guess I could call them, about being in car accidents. I’ll panic internally when I think about the noise and force that happened during all the accidents I’ve been in this summer. It actually scares me and I hate it so much. I got over the feeling pretty quickly after the second accident, but the third one is really doing it for me. 

I really wanted to sock Stella after we got hit by the other car. She wasn’t shocked or anything. She just turned to me and said,”I knew this was going to happen, I imagined us getting into a car accident during this trip.” Why would you say that? Just shut the fuck up, okay? No one asked for your fucking psychic future insight bullshit and you’re not helping anyone by saying it out loud, especially me. 

My panicking wasn’t helped when two cars almost hit me just today. One car almost hit me as I was backing up. When I was looking back, there wasn’t any car. The driver of the car was driving fast and came just as I decided that it was safe for me to back out. I felt frustrated because you shouldn’t even drive that fast in a parking lot. Right after I backed out, I was trying to get out of the parking lot and turned left. Another car was entering the parking lot and was driving faster than the last car. And he insisted on keeping that speed even though I was turning. The driver saw me turning before he actually entered the parking lot, so maybe slow down? He almost crashed into the side of my car because of how fast he was going. What is it with people driving so quickly in a parking lot? Yeah, so now I’m paranoid about cars crashing into me. 

Aside from that, I’ve been feeling indifferent. Indifferent in a way where I feel dead and unamused with whatever people are trying to tell me or show me. I mean I’ve always been this way with my parents, but my dad has been getting on my nerves. His little jokes and laughs towards whatever I do that seems funny to him are annoying. I get pissed off whenever he does this. Also I feel the same whenever Stella tries to tell me something that’s annoying. She’s also acquired a new boyfriend and obviously, she’s much faker when she’s talking to him. Her voice goes up another octave whenever she’s on the phone with him. 

Speaking of her boyfriend, I don’t approve of him. He seems like a chill guy, but he’s literally eleven years older than her. And Stella’s not even an adult yet. Creepy much? I don’t think he’s a pedophile or someone of that sort, but wouldn’t you feel weird about dating someone who’s much younger than you? I just don’t feel at ease and it sounds judgmental because I’m basing it off of the age gap. Hell, it even seems hypocritical of me because I would be open to doing things with people who are much older than me. But she’s not an adult yet and this is a guy who’s going to turn thirty in a couple of years. I told her that I was skeptical because of the age gap and told her to be careful, but of course, the stupid fucker she is, she laughed it off and was all “duh” about it. I worry for her a lot because she’s not that bright, even though she thinks she is. She should trust my vibes; they’re almost always right in the end. 

Back to me feeling indifferent. I’m stuck at home, which doesn’t help. And I always feel like I’m always bothering my friends to do something because I’m the first one to ask. Usually, they’re all busy and it makes me upset, even though it shouldn’t. Not everyone is a lonely loser like me. So I’ve been letting myself rot with nonstop punk music and intrusive thoughts. 

I guess one thing that bothers me about it is that I’m the one who tries to start things up to get together. It’d be nice to be invited to something instead. I just look desperate and purposeless. I’m bothering all of my friends with my attempts to socialize with them in person. Ha, I don’t even know why and how I even have friends if they really do enjoy being my friends. 

I’m not even a good friend, not a good person. I’ve been concerned about a friend for some time, although I try not to let it show around them. When they started telling me personal stuff that sounded concerning, I really didn’t know how to respond. I already know I’m really bad with this kind of stuff, but I could have at least voiced my concern a little bit, subtly. But no, I fuck everything up and kept it to myself because I’m afraid of saying something wrong to my friend and having them ignore me for a while. If I turned back time to redo the whole situation, I would probably react the same as I did the first time. I try, but my trying is the worst. 

I feel so indifferent to the point where I don’t really have any hyperfixations like I usually do, especially pertaining to movies and music. I’m not investing my time into things I really love. There’s not really any band that’s my favorite and I’m not gushing about a movie I watched for the first time because I haven’t really watched any in a while. I feel about ready to throw all my art out of the window. The only reason why I listen to music or watch things these days is to fill in the empty spaces that I can’t stand to sit in. I think I’m mentally and emotionally preparing myself to go into a coma or something. 

So when I do actually get to be with my friends physically, I’m awkward and fluctuate a lot between being loud and overly talkative and being quiet and dissociative. They probably noticed it, or maybe they didn’t. The lack of social interaction took a lot more away from me than I’d like to admit, including my personality, jokes, and overall essence. I feel like I’m a different person than I was before summer break started. I’m surprised that I didn’t lose a lot of weight. With the lack of social interaction and of food I consume, it’s really strange that I probably lost muscle mass and replaced that with fat. 

I suddenly feel the need to go through a drastic physical transformation. Let me change into someone who isn’t me. Or sometimes I feel the very weird need to have something tragic happen to me. It should happen to me because I’m the worst person that I could be and I deserve bad things to happen to me. I don’t have much potential in anything really. I’m stupid and stubborn. My mind is really slow; I can’t grasp concepts, directions, and such as quickly as other people can. I can never be anyone’s first choice. I complain too much and feel too strongly about things. I think I’m super tough when I’m really the weakest person I know. God, I can’t even have been born beautiful. I still could be all of this but be gorgeous and I would feel much better about myself. No wonder why my dad hit me and yelled at me for what seemed like nothing to me but everything to him. Who knows, I think I would have abused me too if I was a different person. I don’t really deserve good things because I’m a burden. Or maybe I’m not even a burden, I’m just nothing, just dead weight. 

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.

[electriceell]

Matt Murdock & Borderline Personality Disorder

It seems to be pretty universally believed among the Daredevil/Marvel fandom that Matt has some very serious neuroatypical tendencies. I’ve been told that he has depression in the comic book canon and, at first, that seemed pretty reasonable, all in all. He does really self-destructive crap, has a pretty low sense of self-worth, some pretty serious guilt, and pessimistic thoughts, all of which are Major Depressive Disorder territory. That being said, a lot of the other symptoms: loss of interest in life and reduced energy/decreased activity don’t seem to turn up at all. 

What makes more sense, to me at least, is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is, of course, necessary to acknowledge that we cannot diagnose characters since they exist in a very specific unreal spectre of our world. We have no way to reference their actions or choices and no clear insight into their thoughts and thought patterns. On top of that, I was somewhat recently diagnosed with BPD and it seemed like the things in me that are Matt Murdock are some of the stuff that started to make sense in light of the BPD diagnosis. 

The DSM-V has five general criteria for personality disorders:

Significant impairments in self (identity or self-direction) and interpersonal (empathy or intimacy) functioning.

One or more pathological personality trait domains or trait facets.

The impairments are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

The impairments are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or sociocultural environment.

The impairments are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

For BPD the first two these break down like this: 

Impairments in Personality Functioning:

Impairments in identity or self-direction: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress.

This one is really the crux of BPD and one that I think is frequently misunderstood. “Unstable self-image” is something that is hard to wrap one’s head around, especially considering that “instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans” are considered separately in the ‘self-direction’ category. Matt certainly has stable goals, values, etc. but despite that, he exists as many different personalities. He tends to morph to what the people around want him to be; he does his best to inhabit the space that he imagines is meant for him. With Foggy he’s gentle and kind, a fake softness to cover his sharp edges, with Elektra he becomes the sharp edges and nothing in between, for Karen he becomes the perfect gentleman and protector he sees her as needing, etc. I would argue that he leans into the traits that he thinks his partners see as desirable or good or ~Matt~ in order to become what they want. Karen and Foggy have mostly overlapping images, making it possible for them to coexist with Matt, but Elektra is totally other. By this token, Matt with Elektra cannot overlap with Foggy because the essential Matt-ness changes depending on who he’s with. On top of all of this, Matt literally exists as the two incongruous halves of himself. The show tracks the ways that Matt Murdock, attorney-at-law and Daredevil cannot inhabit Matt at the same time. But I honestly think this is less crucial to Matt’s BPD than his amorphous personality.

Impairments in empathy or intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.

Do I even need to go into this one? Matt, in his entire life, manages one long-term close relationship, which is certainly intense and unstable. He is incredibly attached to Foggy, willing to strike out and start a law firm with him, but too scared to tell him about his senses. Despite evidence to the contrary, Matt doesn’t trust Foggy enough to tell him something essential, presumably for fear of abandonment. Extremes of idealization and devaluation absolutely come to play with Foggy, Karen, and Elektra. Matt seems to idolize Foggy, considers him the heart of Nelson & Murdock, but then proceeds to detach and condemn Foggy for not accepting him as Daredevil. Elektra is perfect and the center of Matt’s world and ~knows Matt better than anyone else~ and then she’s terrible and destroys everything. There’s a definite reason for this snap change, but it’s still very extreme, changing polarity quickly. 

Pathological Personality Traits:

Negative Affectivity characterized by  emotional lability - Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.

I mean. Matt does not have normal emotional responses as an adult. He flares with anger easily, which would explain his sense that the devil is in him. Outbursts of anger with following intense remorse, shame and guilt are also considered common in people with BPD. 

anxiousness - Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control.

This is another one that I have trouble even digging into because it feels so obvious. We’ve all seen Matt’s ability to handle interpersonal stress. He basically backs out awkwardly while mumbling about random things. Or he yells or punches things. That’s basically the only ways he handles things. 

In addition, Matt clearly clings to ‘killing his father’ and then, of course, Stick leaving him. He says he ‘has an incredible ability to bring disaster into his life’. I have to think both of those are attached to this sentiment. And of course, nearly driving Foggy out with Daredevil and keeping his senses to himself. 

He’s terrified of losing control and crossing the line and killing someone. Despite a strong, intense moral compass, he seems to exist in a state of fear that he might murder someone in an outburst of anger (see emotional lability).

separation insecurity - Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.

Jack, Stick, Elektra, Foggy - people leave him. And since his dad died he’s fucking terrified of it. His resistance to loss of autonomy is demonstrated most clearly with Elektra and Stick. It’s easy to justify with them because they’re ~bad influences~ and morally ambiguous, but Matt is scared of becoming their puppets despite being, you know, an autonomous human being. 

depressivity - Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.

Matt never feels good enough, has terrible sense of self-worth to the point where he LITERALLY BELIEVES HE’S THE DEVIL SOMETIMES. Shame surrounds his existence as Daredevil and lying to the people around him and also not doing enough as DD. I don’t think it’s that much of a reach to say what he does as DD is suicidal behavior. He knows this can’t be sustained. But he keeps going with no sense of self preservation. 

Disinhibition, characterized by impulsivity - Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.

... Nothing says acting on the spur of the moment or without plan quite like when he gets hacked to pieces by Nobu or goes on a rescue mission for Stick. Or for Karen et al. to be entirely honest. Urgency and no regard for his safety are basically the backbone of Matt Murdock’s Daredevil. 

risk taking -  Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NEXT

Antagonism characterized by: hostility - Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

Is he ever not angry? Like really. Pretty small things (Stick’s commenting on Jack) set Matt off and get him swinging. Repeat on the devil in him - small things spark anger in him. 

Stable across time check Not explained by age or socio-cultural environment check Not due to substances (drugs or meds) or a medical condition (head trauma) check (even if Matt has serious head trauma, I don’t think that’s what shapes his personality functioning)

Being raised in an abusive environment is common among people with BPD. Correlation, of course, does not imply causation, but Matt’s early and intense relationship with Stick was abusive and could have shaped BPD tendencies.

When it comes down to it, a personality disorder makes a lot more sense for Matt’s unstable and non-normative functioning than depression.

“I’m so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.” - Kiera Van Gelder, The Buddha and the Borderline

[scriptshrink]

Critique of a Certain Cracked Article - The Bad

Oh boy.  So we’ve seen the myths about mental illness that Cracked got right, and the ones that were partially correct but mostly wrong. Now we’ve reached the ones that legitimately reduced the Shrink to incoherent screaming.

Lock and load, Shrinky-dinks. I’m taking no prisoners.

[Gif: The Winter Soldier loads a grenade into an attachment on his assault rifle while murderstrutting.]

[Cracked image: The charming psychopath is everywhere // Pictures of Negan, Walter White, Dexter, and Loki // They won’t stay charming for long. So many TV and movie villains are portrayed as charming ladies’ men. Even Walter White’s sex life improves after he starts cooking meth. There’s Negan, The Joker, Dexter, Patrick Bateman, Billy Loomis. The truth is, antisocial personality disorder causes a laundry list of symptoms that make a person impossible to be in a relationship with. // source is from the mayo clinic]

...Why is Loki up there? I am confused.

Anyways, people with antisocial personality disorder are very good at manipulating people. They can be very fucking charming, and very fucking good at it.

And I hate the phrase “laundry list”.  Guess what?  You don’t have to have ALL THOSE SYMPTOMS LISTED to get diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

You just need three.  Let’s pull three from the list of criteria, shall we?

They lie, manipulate and con others for their own personal gain.

They’re impulsive and don’t plan ahead.

They are consistently irresponsible, don’t fulfill things expected of them, and / or can’t hold down a steady job.

I mean, that certainly describes an asshole, but “a person impossible to be in a relationship with”? Hardly.

[Cracked image - Adrian Monk suffers from OCD. // picture of Adrian Monk hiding behind his turtleneck // Actually, no, he really doesn’t. It’s easier to remember what Monk is not afraid of than what he is. He lists germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators, public speaking, and airplanes, to name a few. The thing is, that’s not obsessive-compulsive disorder. Those are phobic disorders, which are not related to OCD at all. Actual OCD involves a crippling dependence on repetition and rituals.// source is chicago tribune]

OKAY.  First off. A fear of public speaking IS NOT A PHOBIA. It is a part of Social Anxiety Disorder (Performance Only).

Also, OCD does not fucking REQUIRE compulsions. YOU CAN HAVE ONLY OBSESSIONS AND STILL HAVE OCD. (See my demystifying post here!)

AND GUESS WHAT?  ADRIAN MONK HAS COMPULSIONS.

Performing a ritual because of a fear (such as excessive cleaning / handwashing due to a fear of germs) is a COMPULSION.

Look at literally the first time you see Monk IN THE FUCKING OPENING CREDITS OF THE SHOW.

[Gif - Adrian Monk is walking down a street, and touches a parking meter without looking at it.]

You’d think, because he’s so germophobic, that he would avoid touching those things. NOPE. He has a compulsion to TOUCH ALL THE POLES that he passes when he’s walking.

Sure, he has phobias.  BUT HE HAS OCD TOO.

One last note. 

Those are phobic disorders, which are not related to OCD at all.

Hmm. Yes, that’s correct. Phobias are anxiety disorders, and OCD has its own category. I’m not sure why this is sticking out to me so much. But I’m sure it’ll be important later.

[Cracked picture - In Fight Club, the narrator has a split personality. // image of the narrator and Tyler Durden // That’s not how multiple personalities work. Those with disassociative identity disorder don’t just wake up and realize they’ve been living as another person. They don’t always know about the other personalities, and don’t black out and live as another person. Amnesia and fugue states do happen, but what you see in movies is writers combining them to suit their narrative.// Source is from mayo clinic.]

[Gif of Hades nearly being literally consumed with fiery rage, but calming himself down saying “Okay, fine, fine. I’m cool. I’m fine.]

It’s “dissociative”, not “disassociative”. We’ve had this talk in the last part, Cracked. Do a single goddamn google search so you know how to spell the goddamn names of things.

This part of the takedown comes courtesy of Maxx, one of @dinosaursindisarray’s alters:

DID isn't personalities, multiple or split or anything. That’s not just outdated terminology, it's also an incorrect description, because the alters aren't personalities at all, they're functionally other people.

“Those with DID don't just wake up and realize they've been living as another person.”

k, well, sometimes, they do.

Like, the person might not realize it as it goes on, but then something triggers an 'aha' moment (for some people) that make the symptoms more overt and noticeable, either to the person experiencing them or other people.

There could be a trigger that suddenly floods the person with enough memories to realize what's going on - memories of trauma, or bleedthrough from other alters, memories of that alter being out, etc, and then the person has enough to do research and be like 'something is /wrong/'

[For us], it was like, one day after a lot of stressful shit built up over a couple of weeks, I came out instead of Month and because I was tired and cranky. Her friends noticed and asked about it, I told the truth, and after she came back, her friends were like 'so this thing happened, what the fuck' and Month's blackouts and dissociation started making more sense and she was able to contact a professional to be like 'what the fuck is going on'.

The initial realization did happen sort of at once, which isn't entirely uncommon, especially with psych knowledge more readily available to people. (that can lead to people mistaking shit and thinking they have DID when they don't, cause misinfo, but it's still easier for people who do have it to figure out what the fuck is up and seek help than it was before).

“They always know about the other personalities"

The entire point of DID and OSDD is to keep shit hidden. Keep trauma memories hidden from the everyday life of the kid so they can function and not fucking die. Keep symptoms away from others around the kid so that they aren't abused worse. So this shit is supposed to be kept separate, and if you always know about what's going on, then it’s not happening.

"and don't black out and live as another person"

Yeah. Some people do. Like, full memory blackouts while another alter is out might not happen all the time or with every alter, but it can totally happen with DID. Not OSDD as much, I think, but still.

There are certain alters that Month has NO memory overlap from. Others that she only gets one or two things, others she remembers most of it like watching a movie, others that she remembers it like she was there but really out of it, etc. It's not necessary for every alter every time to be DID, but if there's any amnesia and blackouts between alters (and with trauma memories) then it's DID criteria.

"Amnesia and fugue states do happen"

Yeah, amnesia is that blackout thing you just said didn't happen. Might not be a full blackout but like, amnesia. not remembering. sometimes that means blackouts.

And fugue states are dissociative, but that's a separate thing from DID. Can it happen to someone with DID? Yeah. Does someone have to have DID for it to happen? Nah.

Writers do combine and add shit and dramatize the fuck out of the wrong things (see: m. night) to suit their needs rather than maintaining fact, but yeah. everything else is p much wrong

Thanks again to Maxx from @dinosaursindisarray for taking over for that one. That gave me a nice little respite! Now let’s take a look at the last one, surely it can’t be THAT bad...

[Cracked image - In Black Swan, Nina suffers from a host of conditions. // image of Nina // Real people don’t have them all at once. The film gave Nina the ballerina a cocktail of disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, cutting, and obsessive compulsive disorder, then had her descend into psychosis. The problem is that they’re incompatible conditions. People with psychosis lose touch with reality. Those with anxiety disorders like OCD and anorexia are too in touch with reality. // source is abc news]

[Gif of the only thing that can adequately convey my rage: Tsar Bomba, the largest nuclear weapon ever created, exploding and forming a gigantic mushroom cloud]

Okay okay okAY OKAY OKAY.

The only way I can get through this is to go from minor things to major ones. 

You are right about one single thing here, Cracked. You can’t be diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia at the same time. Congratulations. If someone has symptoms of both disorders, it’s either Anorexia with the Binge Eating / Purging subtype, or OSFED (other specified feeding/eating disorder, formally known as EDNOS - eating disorder not otherwise specified).

Okay. Next up. Unless you’re counting when Nina stabs herself with the glass shard at the very end of the movie, Nina never cuts herself. She scratches herself. But I’ll give you the smallest amount of the smoking ashes left of my benefit of the doubt and say you meant “self-mutilation” here, not cutting.

Those with anxiety disorders like OCD and anorexia

OCD AND ANOREXIA ARE NOT ANXIETY DISORDERS.

Besides, you just fucking said with the Monk one that phobias are completely unrelated to OCD!! PHOBIAS ARE AN ANXIETY DISORDER!!! AT THE VERY LEAST KEEP YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT LIES CONSISTENT!!!!!!!

On that note, where the fuck did you get OCD from in the first place??? There’s only two things I can think of that even vaguely qualify. 

Nina’s compulsive scratching. But guess what???  THAT’S NOT OCD. THAT’S EXCORIATION (AKA SKIN PICKING) DISORDER.

Nina’s compulsive exercising. HELLO WHY YES THIS IS A SYMPTOM OF ANOREXIA.

People with psychosis lose touch with reality. Those with anxiety disorders like OCD and anorexia are too in touch with reality.

yhghgtfrrghyujuhnukjfgdcghgtfyughyhhjnyh

Sorry about that. I repeatedly smashed my head into the keyboard.

But oh my fucking god.

THE WHOLE GODDAMN PROBLEM WITH OCD AND ANOREXIA IS THAT THEY’RE NOT CONNECTED TO REALITY.

One of the fucking specifiers for OCD is WITH ABSENT INSIGHT OR DELUSIONAL BELIEFS, which means the person in question fully believes that their illogical obsessions are true, you fuckwads!

[[Shrink’s edit - a “specifier” is a possible subcategory of a mental illness. The DSM-5 also two other possible specifiers for OCD: “With good to fair insight”, meaning the individual recognizes that their disordered beliefs are definitely or probably not true; and “With poor insight”, where the individual thinks their disordered beliefs are probably true. It is a grading of severity, not a requirement.]]

Let’s look at a some fucking case studies here. Go ahead. Read them. I’ll wait.

Tell me, Cracked. Do these sound like people who are MORE IN TOUCH with reality?! Will a person really be transported into a mirror dimension if they turn on a light switch??? If they touch something, will their ‘power’ be stolen unless they touch it again multiple times??

Also, is someone with severe anorexia who still thinks they aren’t thin enough even as they’re FUCKING STARVING THEMSELVES TO ACTUAL, LITERAL DEATH “too in touch with reality,” Cracked???

[[Another edit: most people with OCD and anorexia are not at this extreme. But it is far more accurate to say that these disorders involve losing some touch with reality than saying that they are ‘too in touch’ with reality. Seriously though, what the fuck does “too in touch” with reality even mean???]]

Oh, and it’s not like there have been studies that don’t just say that eating disorders and psychosis can co-occur, but that they might be FUCKING LINKED TO EACH OTHER!!!

And now, my esteemed Shrinky-dinks, we come to the most horrendous part of this absolutely atrocious dumpster fire of an article. 

Real people don’t have them all at once.

Real people don’t have them all at once.

Real people don’t have them all at once.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?!?!?!? 

Guess what, fuckfaces?  

COMORBIDITY IS EXTREMELY COMMON.  

Let’s look at this one study of almost 2,500 women with severe eating disorders. Guess what they fucking found?

97% had more than one fucking mental illness.

Ninety fucking seven percent.

[Image: “I made a chart since Cracked writers apparently can’t fucking read.” // a pie chart with a very small portion labeled Only ED, and the overwhelming majority labeled More than one mental disorder.]

Schizophrenia and eating disorders may not be a super common combination, BUT IT FUCKING EXISTS.  

PEOPLE CAN FUCKING HAVE MORE THAN ONE MENTAL ILLNESS!! 

BUT I GUESS IT DOESN’T MATTER TO YOU SINCE THEY’RE SO CRAZY THEY’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE, YOU ABLEIST FUCKING SACKS OF FUCKING SHIT.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH

[Gif - The Hulk fucking annihilating Loki by repeatedly smashing him into the ground, which is what I wish I could be doing to the writers.]

Concluding Thoughts

If I seem calmer at this point, it’s because I wrote it before the rest of this article. I have no doubt future Shrink will still be screaming into the void long after the queue finally gets to this post.

Let’s take a look at how Cracked introduced this article.

It's a losing fight, going up against the myths pop culture perpetuates. But, dammit, someone has to do it.

That someone is obviously not you. Your writers are willfully ignorant and unable to do even a simple google search of the names of the things they’re writing about to make sure they got the spelling right. 

You have failed to do the fucking most basic research possible. 

A monkey in a library could do a better job than you, as there’s an actual chance that in randomly throwing pieces of its own shit, a book might be knocked off a shelf and the monkey might fucking glance in its direction.

Because left unchecked, people go around spewing every dumb thing they learn from clickbait articles movies and shows that are really just using mental illnesses to advance a plot and make a buck from pageviews, instead of teach us anything useful.

You made a few typos. I fixed them for you.

So, dig in, because it's time drop a knowledge bomb on your ass.

How fucking dare you. 

You are not “dropping a knowledge bomb” on us. This article is nothing more than a fucking whoopie cushion. We sit down, all excited to see myths about mental illness being exploded, but are instead given a bunch of hot air that sounds like people’s ass cheeks flapping together.

Fuck you, @cracked.

I hope your pageviews tank. I hope you have to take on so many advertisers that your readers can’t even see your content anymore. I hope no one ever submits to your ‘contests’ again, forcing you to have a staff member make up all the entries for you. I hope your heads get so stuck up your own asses that you don’t even notice that your website has been spreading malware to your readers like the cancerous bullshit your content truly is.

Oh. Wait. 

Like my torment and suffering? Support me on Patreon.

[chalkboard-musings]

2017: A Lackluster Memoir

Prefacing this with: I don’t have a whole lot of sentiment towards this whole “new year” shebang. From the get-go, you have a bunch of societies writing their own version of a calendar year (I.e.- Sumerian, Athenian, Babylonian Cal.. you get the gist). In true narcissist fashion, when they realized their calculations were a bit skewed - they just sweep it under the woven rug and obliterate a month every couple of years*. Speaking of narcissists - we still abide by Julius Caesar logic of a “leap year”. But I digress, I just don’t really get all the pizzaz around balls dropping (in context of both NYE and Bar Mitzvahs) and blowing... never mind. Society is just funny, is all.

But I’ll force a little nostalgia because the oven’s pre-heating and last year’s resolution of “practicing patience” was, needless to say, a bust. I’m starting (after 6+ years of cyclical “new year, new you” cynicism) to hone on a trend of most of my send offs to the year in the rearview exuding a message of “good riddance, kiss my ass”. Which is forcing me to come to the abrasive realization that I’m the relatively fat kid on the track team that hits the 100M mark and think my eternal organs are going to implode, so I slow to a mosey and wait for the next gun to go off to try it over again. More literally - I’m hitting the May mark and throwing in the towel with a shit “better luck next year” attitude and spending the next 7+ months rolling around in a field of Twinkies, self-loathing, and existential dread. The “literal” segment was short lived.

So I ask myself, while the oven painstakingly hovers around 195 degrees, what is this complex that’s looming overhead year to year, and how do I make it tangible enough to bash over the head with a rock once and for all? (Could be literal or metaphorical, read it as you will). 

So without further ado, here are the non-resolutions - let’s call it a creed instead so I don’t feel like I’m succumbing:

1. Learn your sphere of influence - I admittedly spend < 7% of my energy/ brain waves here. The bulk of the pie chart is spent throwing duraflame onto the cynical fire. 

Ex. “I spent 8 minutes reading this Elite Daily click bait article so I can affirm I have the right to be sad about my generation”, 

“Genocide is bad, so I’m going to sit here with an eyebrow furrow and ponder on all the reasons humanity is cruel while staring at a blank wall for 24 minutes”. 

24 minutes elapse, my attention span taps out, I relax my scowl and go take a nap forgetting why I’m tired. If I’m not the poster child of the problem at hand, I’m at minimum exacerbating it. Getting my head out of my ass is a fair starting point.

2. Practice discipline - I want to change a lot of things. Bad habits, broken paradigms, broken cabinet doors in my apartment.. but (reference #1) it’s hard to see the bigger picture when your head is cozied up your butthole (it’s dark in here - let me pause to complain about that, too). I also, conveniently, violently resist practical solutions to problems. 

Ex. Lament: “Work is an inescapable black hole, mercilessly eating 85% of my waking hours” 

Practical suggestion: “Why don’t you turn off at 6, the world won’t burn down and it will be right where you left it the next a.m.” 

My solution: *roll up in fetal position and accept my fate*

There are these astoundingly simple, hyper logical ways to react to thoughts. Think involuntary responses like the knee reflex test: get knocked in the knee, violently hyperextend your knee kicking Dr. in face, blood everywhere, etc. 

It should, in theory, be that simple; miss someone? Make time for them. Want to not be Jabba the Hutt shaped? Eat mindfully. Want to learn Khoisan click language? Click away until your roommate punches you unconscious (if not unconscious after 1st punch, persevere - click some more). If shit matters to you, have the discipline to do something productive about it. And floss your damn teeth. (I am indeed, talking to myself, in case that was unclear).

3. Stop being a dick to yourself - it’s more or less irrelevant whether I deserve the abuse or have an affinity towards masochism. When you hit the point of: “I should give myself a swirly as a symbolic representation of my worth”, thinks get peculiarly dissociative (Hey.. I’m Dan). You lose your moxie when you forget you’re supposed to be in your own corner, and leave yourself pretty stripped down of defenses as a repercussion. 24 years of failed attempt at social interaction later, apparently it’s also not endearing to use your personality flaws as conversational segues. 

Don’t really intend to close this out with a “POW” because the oven is preheated and I signed this creed in blood.. I’m not sure of the sanitary implications of continuing to type. 

And so it goes.

*I don’t know if any of this is historically accurate but it helped the theme