#and ur thoughts have made me feel better/less alone/etc

[bright-and-burning]

scrolling through the last 22hrs of posts in one sitting and damn if this christian horner situation continues to evolve as i presume it will can we please tag it. please

[sunshinevanfleet]

oh, what a sin [ii]

ii. old friends

part three.

pairing: danny x reader, sam x reader

a/n: ok i finally finished chapter two!! for some reason i'm nervous about this part lol i just had a little trouble writing this one so i hope it's ok! no smut this time just lots of angst :O i'm getting ready to ramp up the drama so i hope ur all ready. shit's gonna get messy. hope u like. ok love u bye <3

genre: angst, some miniscule fluff (if u squint lol)

word count: 3.4k

summary: tensions rise as danny and the reader have a moment alone. her only comfort is sam's embrace.

warnings: angst, panic attacks, swearing, mentions of sex, etc.

Thoughts swimming wildly, you put on a fake smile and forced down your food. Sam sat beside you on Josh’s blanket in the grass, talking animatedly with his sister and Josie as he ate. You eyed him every now and again; he was, for once, oblivious to the thousands of thoughts racing through your head. Luckily, Ronnie was doing a decent job of distracting him from your rigid posture less than a foot away. You were pretending to watch Josh’s display of his best party trick (doing a headstand without toppling over), but you could feel a pair of eyes watching you intently.

It took everything in your power not to glance over where Danny and Jake were chatting with Karen. You wanted nothing to do with him; the whole situation was wrong. How the hell were you supposed to figure out how to tell Sam you had slept with his best friend years before? And how were you supposed to keep it from becoming an ongoing issue? Especially considering the fact that you still had dreams about Danny… Still thought about that one night with him fondly. No. You wouldn’t be able to be around him.

As Josh tumbled over into the grass for the fourth time, you felt Sam’s fingers curling around your elbow. Your plate sat practically untouched on your plate in front of you, and he had finally noticed. 

“You okay, sweets?”

You pulled your half-assed attention away from his brother. Meeting that soft gaze, your worries almost melted away. Concern played on his features, his brow furrowed slightly above those chestnut brown eyes. He was frowning.

“Sorry,” you said, leaning your head onto his shoulder. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, one of his hands coming around to cradle your face gently. “Just feeling a little nauseous.” It wasn’t an outright lie; your stomach had been rolling for the past half an hour, ever since Danny waltzed into the kitchen looking just as attractive as he had all those years ago. 

“Ready to head out?” Sam’s voice was a whisper against your skin. He rubbed your cheek with the pad of his thumb, trying to comfort you. The gesture eased your anxiety slightly, but it did not dull the burning stare you could feel coming from his best friend. 

“No,” you said, not wanting to rush him away from spending time with his family. “No, I think it’s just the heat.”

“Drink some water, baby,” Sam passed you a chilled bottle of water. You took it gratefully, trying to hide the trembling of your hands.

“You look pretty pale, Y/N,” said Josh. He finally gave up on his headstand, now mirroring the concerned face of his little brother beside you. “Maybe you should lay down in the guest room.”

You smiled sheepishly, “Oh, no, I don’t think it’s that serious–”

“I think you should,” Sam agreed. 

“Sammy, really, I’m okay–”

“It would make me feel better,” he said earnestly, those big eyes seeing straight through you. You cursed him in your head. It was so hard to resist him.

“All right, fine,” you sighed heavily. The water made you feel slightly less queasy, but laying down didn’t sound too bad at that point. You could use a few minutes alone, away from all the hustle and bustle to think. 

“I’ll show you the guest room,” Josh announced, rising to his feet.

“I think I can handle it, Josh, really.”

“Oh, no. What kind of host would I be? I insist.”

You laughed half-heartedly at his theatrics, but humored him. He led you through the backyard, and back into the house. The guest room was at the top of the stairs; the second room on the left. The dark curtains were splayed wide open, letting in the golden light from the sunset outside; the decor was very much maximalist– vintage photos hanging in picture frames, a bookcase full of old books and random little trinkets, emerald green wallpaper. In the corner sat a plush orange armchair, its upholstery faded with time. There were several multicolored pillows placed neatly on its cushion. A beaded curtain separated the bedroom from the large closet, where there were several flashy outfits on display. 

“Wow,” you said, taken-aback. You reached out to touch a hanging plant above your head, the little leaves shaped like hearts.

“Incredible, right?” Josh said, standing in the doorway admiring the room as much as you were. He looked like a proud father. “I’d like to take credit for this masterpiece, but a lot of this was left in the house when we bought it. The lady who owned the place before us was a true visionary.”

“So you gutted the rest?” You glanced at him as you kicked off your shoes, taking a seat on the fluffy duvet. At least a dozen pillows were piled on the bed, looking very welcoming after the long day you had. 

“Not really. Jake wanted to tone it down a bit, so we repainted most of the house. A lot of the furniture is vintage from the previous owner. We’ve got an old water bed in the other guest bedroom; Jake insisted we keep it. He thought it’d be a bit of fun,” Josh laughed, shaking his head. “Turns out it’s not as practical as he thought.”

You laughed, temporarily distracted from your dilemma downstairs. You were thankful for the bit of lighthearted conversation. “I can’t imagine that’d be an easy time,” you said, grinning. “Seems like something he’d find funny, though.”

“It is… definitely a conversation starter, at least.”

You nodded. “Well, thanks for lending me this room for the time being,” you sighed, kicking back and flopping down into the pillows. “Might take a nap.”

“I won’t keep you, then,” he said, winking. “Come calling if you need anything.”

“Mhmmm,” you replied, now sprawled out with your eyes closed. The sweet escape of sleep was looking more delicious as every second passed. The door thumped softly behind Josh as he left. 

By yourself, you were feeling a bit better; there was no creeping feeling of being watched behind your back, no worrying about Sam seeing the anxiety painted on your face, no threat of being exposed for your secret. You never thought this was something that you would have to deal with; things were much easier when Sam never had to know about your one night stand from years before. But now that it was his best friend…

You cringed at the thought. How was he supposed to react to that?

You were very close to spiraling when the door to the guest room creaked open; expecting Sam, you turned over to face the intruder. Your throat tightened immediately as Danny stepped into the room instead; he looked almost angry standing there.

“What are you doing up here?” you hissed, sitting straight up. 

Danny scoffed. “I could ask you the same,” he said plainly. 

“We can’t be up here alone,” you said. “Imagine how that would look to Sam.”

“Sam doesn’t know anything. For all he knows, we just met today.”

“Why’d you come up here anyway?”

He brushed his dark curls out of his face, shrugging from his place in front of the door. He leaned back against it, his body weight holding it shut. 

“I had to see you again. Had to make sure it was you.” He watched you with those observant eyes; they glowed a deep honey brown in the golden light spilling through the window behind you. You studied the shadows cast over his angular features, highlighting them beautifully. Despite how badly you wanted him to leave the room, everything about him was art standing there. There was no helping the physical attraction you still felt for him; his ghost haunting you for the past few years had done nothing to dull the affection you felt for him, even without knowing his name or anything the entire time. 

“It’s me,” you said, shaking your head. You wanted to laugh at the whole situation; it was like something out of a soap opera. Some luck you had. 

There was a brief, yet loaded silence between the two of you. The tension laid between you, suspended in the air like an invisible fog. It was almost palpable, wrapping around the both of you and pushing you closer together. 

“I’ve told him about you before,” said Danny suddenly.

“What?” you asked, your eyebrows pulling together.

“Told him about that night, all that time ago,” he continued. “When I was performing with that shitty band based out of Detroit, before all of this.”

“What’d you say?”

“What could I say? I didn’t know your name. Barely knew anything about you,” he laughed. It was a humorless noise, almost bitter. “You were just a girl in a bar; the hardest person in the world to get out of my head.”

“Sorry,” you said, though you weren’t sure what for. “I wasn’t looking for anything serious.”

“Neither was I. You think you would be every thought in my head for the last three years if I had a choice?”

You swallowed hard. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath. You couldn’t sit here and do this. You hated that he had been thinking about you, too. Hated that you were stuck on his mind, in his thoughts, making his days harder. You didn’t want any of these feelings to be mutual. There was no way to admit that you knew you had fallen for him that night, too. How could you? You hadn’t even known his name.

“And now you’re with him… The universe has a really shitty sense of humor…”

“Tell me about it.”

“How’d you meet?”

You looked at him again. Behind his straight-faced facade, you could see the hurt behind his eyes. Something about it made you want him even more– that he cared enough about you that he would be hurt by the whole situation. Your stomach ached. 

“Some bar,” you muttered.

He scoffed, shaking his head. “It just keeps getting worse.”

You frowned. “I didn’t ask for this, Danny.”

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the door. “You met him in a bar. And what made you fall for him? What was different?”

You looked at him incredulously. “Everything was different,” you said, voice defensive. “It was a different place, a different time. I was a completely different person, for fuck’s sake.”

“And it was him, right?” He looked pained. 

“It has nothing to do with him,” you retorted. “It has everything to do with me. When we met, I was young and dumb, and messy. I went out to that bar looking for a quick fuck, and you knew that before we ever even touched each other.”

“And that was supposed to make it easier…” He let out a deep breath, as if he were trying hard to keep his composure. “You know, when I was watching you out there all over each other… I couldn’t help thinking that you were mine first…”

You bit your lip, your hands clenched into fists in your lap. You didn’t know what to say. 

“He used to call you my little bird,” he saw the look on your face, and continued, “Yeah, I told him about that. Saw you out there, little freebird. I told him how you’d walked into the room and everyone else just faded into the background.” You remembered him calling you that. It came up in your daydreams. Haunted you on lonely nights. 

A pang shot through your chest. You felt very suddenly like you were going to vomit on the hardwood floor. 

“Danny, please– can we do this later? I can’t take it–”

“He knew I was in love with you. I told him everything I could remember, every little detail– I mean, he’s my best friend. Fuck.”

“Did you expect him to know?”

“No, how could he? I never even got your name. Tried to find you for the longest time, though.” He shook his head. “There’s no way he would’ve guessed anyway. Doesn’t seem like you’re much the same.”

“You’re not either.”

“Not at all,” he sighed. There was so much left to say, so many questions going unanswered, but you couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him anymore. It was too tempting; he was too tempting, standing there all tall and lean, curls splayed around his head glowing like a halo in the sunset. The juxtaposition of his appearance and how he was making you feel startled you; he felt like the furthest thing from an angel right now. 

“I should get out of here,” he said after a moment. You said nothing, but nodded. 

He slipped out of the bedroom, leaving you to your racing mind once again. You wanted Sam; he was always your comfort. You wanted to crawl under the covers with him, and bury your face in his neck. You wanted his slow breaths in your ear, his arms tangled around you. But how was he supposed to comfort you while you were heartbroken over his best friend? You had no one to tell, no escape from the reality staring you in the face. 

Danny’s hurt expression flashed behind your eyelids every time you blinked. The last time you saw each other, he was all teasing smirks and bright eyes. You hated this different version of him; this version that wanted you and couldn’t have you. If you had known he had been pining over you all of these years… It hurt more that you knew he felt the same. You should have left your number with him all that time ago. 

You remembered leaving his hotel room that night, slipping out of bed still wearing his stupid button-up shirt. It still hung in your closet at home, wrinkled and worn from years of use. At the time, it crossed your mind to leave a note, your name, your phone number, something. But you thought it would look desperate; after all, he had wanted a one night stand, too. Neither of you were looking for a commitment. 

You laughed to yourself, laying there with tears in your eyes. Life could be so funny, sometimes. 

Wiping your eyes, you told yourself not to be so ridiculous. How could you have seriously fallen in love with a total stranger? How could you even question your loyalty to Sam over a guy you slept with one time, years ago? The sex had been memorable because you hadn’t had a partner who satisfied you in a long time, but now… Well, you were perfectly happy in your relationship. Jovial, even. 

But, as you slipped off of the bed and padded downstairs, you only began to feel worse. You peeked out the backdoor at the others outside; another wave of nausea overcame you as you saw Sam and Danny joking around. They were laughing at something Josie was saying. The tears were back immediately–you felt like a complete villain. Your chest tightened, a lump forming in your throat as you stood there watching. You knew things could only get worse… How would you justify accidentally breaking up the life-long friendship between them?

More than anything, you just wanted to go home. You stood there wishing that Sam would come inside to check on you; he would see your teary eyes and your face drained of all its color and sweep you off to the car immediately. He would mutter comforting words to you as he held your hand on the car ride home, his thumb tracing hearts into your skin. He always knew just how to make you feel better. Thinking of this, you were on the brink of sobbing uncontrollably. You stood frozen in the hallway between the stairs and the kitchen still watching them. The muscles in your legs wouldn’t work; you needed to get back upstairs, or in the bathroom, or anywhere you wouldn’t be caught bawling your eyes out. 

But, as always, Sam knew you too well. He muttered something to Danny and Josie, then you saw him turning towards the house. He was coming to check on you. You forced yourself to turn away from the door, slipping into the bathroom at the bottom of the stairs. The door was half open behind you as you gripped the sink, your hands shaking.

You heard the sweet call of your name from the kitchen, and it sent your heart aflutter. He was the first and last person you wanted to talk to right now. It would break him if you told him what was actually wrong. It would break you to have to keep your secret. 

“Hey, sweets?” He was approaching the bottom of the stairs, noticing the sliver of light spilling out from the bathroom. “Hey,” he said, pushing the door open. “Josie said she thought she saw you–”

Your eyes finally met in the reflection, and you saw his smile fall into an expression of deep worry. In the mirror, you tore your gaze away and choked back a sob.

“Oh, honey, what’s wrong?” He grasped your shoulders with the gentlest of touches, turning you to face him. You immediately buried your face in his shirt, your entire body racked with sobs.

“I– wanna go home,” you said shakily. You gripped his shirt with trembling hands, the fabric gripped in your fingers so tightly that it hurt. You never wanted to let him go, couldn’t let him go for fear of losing him. None of this would ever be worth losing your Sammy. You had to tell him, before it became deceitful.

He nodded immediately, “All right,” he said. “Okay, I’ll take you home, sweets. Come on.” Using the pads of his thumbs, he brushed the tears off of your face, and stroked your skin. He looked you in the eyes for a moment. 

“I need you to relax, Y/N,” his voice was hushed, almost afraid. He never called you Y/N. 

“I–I’m trying,” you gasped, trying to match his breaths. You were basically in full on panic mode, your nerves torn to shreds after the events of the afternoon.

“I know you are, honey,” he said. You focused on the feeling of his touch, finger caressing your cheek. You breathed in his scent, listened to the warm sound of his voice. He was holding you steady, grounding you. “That’s it. Just breathe…”

You matched his pace of breathing, your heart rate slowly sinking down to a normal level. Tears still trickled down your face, though you were no longer being strangled on your own sobs. He very delicately pulled you into his arms, hugging you as if you were made out of glass.

“You’re okay, sweets,” he whispered into your hair. “I’ve got you. Always.”

You closed your eyes, focusing on only him. You let his presence drown out all of your worries; the twinge of lemongrass essential oil mixed with his natural musk, the strong grasp of his arms encircling you, the tickle of the ends of his hair on your face. You melted into his embrace, finally able to clear your mind. 

“Thank you,” you breathed at last, when you felt almost back to normal. His lips pressed briefly to your hair, and he released you. He smiled at you, brushing your hair back off of your forehead. “How bad do I look?”

He managed a small laugh. “You don’t look bad, sweets,” he poked your cheek playfully. “You’re just red… Kinda cute, like a strawberry…”

You wrinkled your nose, swatting at his finger. “A strawberry, are you serious?” But you laughed. You laughed despite it all, and that was enough. 

“Go on to the car, my little strawberry,” he said, kissing your temple and passing you the car keys from his shirt pocket. “I’m gonna go get Rosie Posie, and say goodbye.” 

You followed his directions, slipping off to the car. You hated that you were giving the Kiszkas a good old Irish goodbye, but it made you feel much better to be out in Sam’s car, waiting for him to take you home. At least there, you could pretend that the latter half of today had never happened. Losing yourself in his embrace was the only thing you could think about. You needed more than anything to be alone with your Sammy, disconnected from the rest of the world.

taglist: @dannythedog @demolitionndann @malany-gvf @poeta-nascitur

[hyperfixationhopper]

Can i request like headcanons of Revenant with a male reader who loves physical touch, cuddles and stuff but rev doesn't know how to react to affection and tries his best to comfort them?

(also ur kay/o headcanons is *chefs kiss* robots needs more love, have a lovely day)

rev needs a hug honestly

(TYSM I WAS WORRIED IT WASNT VERY GOOD FHDKDKDKF also YOU TOO TY)

also fair warning im a little new to writing in a blog style, im more familiar with stuff like ao3, so im still experimenting with how im formatting things, warnings, info, titles, etc. ill admit I wasn't really thinking when I made the previous post, hence the lack of title, warnings, info, etc (I apologize for that sksjdjdk). so, bear with me, im still experimenting and fucking around with things, itll be a bit before i figure it all out <3

hfjddkd sorry I got a little carried away and made it a full story ;; and sorry its not very much like how your request asked, I got an idea and ran with it (Im so good at not following requests properly fr)

extra info? the romantic relationship is newly formed, and having a bit of a rocky start, you're both still figuring everything out.

warnings? angst, a bit of violent behavior on rev's part lmao, other than that its mostly fluff

soft guy

Only what could be described as a panicked mechanical grunt emitted from Revenant, as arms wrapped around his midsection without warning. Without missing a beat, he whipped around while simultaneously exiting his assailant's grip, prepared to attack, his hands already molded into the sharp blades his victims knew all too well, prepared to kill.

However, he backed down nearly immediately, realizing who his alleged attacker was; you, his boyfriend, completely and utterly terrified. Normally, the simulacrum loves scaring people, it's why he joined the games, to strike fear into those unfortunate enough to have the horrifying, sadistic and merciless Revenant as their opponent. Something about the power trip is so enticing to him. But him, scaring you? No, he cannot afford to drive you away. He won't let the one person even remotely interested in spending time with him escape, as selfish as it sounds. You're too special to lose.

He grunted, his hands reverted to their previous state, his fingers wiggled around a bit, finding their places once more. He glares at you. "Skinsuit, you can't pull shit like that, unless you want to be impaled." His voice laced with malice, he had a scary quality about him. If you knew him better, you would know better than to think of this as a genuine threat if you knew him well, rather, it was a red herring, a veil. If you knew him better, you wouldn't think he was set on hurting you, really it was just a concerned warning, in his own way. He doesn't do well with surprises, and he isn't used to intimate touch yet, let alone a surprise hug, which is unfortunate for you, a lover of touch and intimacy, however, you didn't know him well enough to identify the veiled warning, and took it as it seemed; a genuine threat. You stumbled backwards slightly. His dim yellow optics convey some sort feeling of.. Regret? Dissatisfaction? You couldn't tell, it was definitely something negative, for sure.

You were shaking a bit, and tears were threatening to flow. Was he really about to kill you right then and there, without a second thought? Fuck, this guy was scary. "Ah- Sorry.. I uh, I didn't think you'd react like that.." Revenant's gaze softened, and looked way more friendly- well, maybe not friendly. Passive? Something along those lines. He eyed your face, analyzing it. He walked over to you, and you flinched slightly as he came close. "Hey, I'm not gonna hurt you, okay?" His tone was quiet and soft, eyes attentive, his voice still managed to hold that attractive gravelly effect. He knelt down so you were eye to eye, he was obviously trying to make his body language look less threatening, though it wasn't very effective. "Look at me." You were afraid of what he'd do if you didn't, so you complied. Revenant sighed, and paused for a moment, unhappy at your fear. "Look... I'm sorry, okay? I... fuck..." He sighed, his confidence faltering. "I don't want you to be afraid of me, skinbag." He looked away, embarrassed at his confession, and he took a deep breath through his artificial lungs. "I... damnit.." You swore his "cheeks" were turning pink. "I want you to... feel safe.. with me.." He breathed out a handful of curses. He pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes closing as he huffed, his internal fans were noticeably whirring now. He stood back up normally, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

Holy shit.

This guy really does care, doesn't he? The tough guy persona was really starting to get to you, so much so that you were starting to think he didn't like you. Though his stubborn and rude attitude really were just an act. You were happy he could be open and vulnerable with you, even if it wasn't a whole lot, and not for very long, it was a small step, and that was everything to you. He was embarrassed, but he succeeded, it meant so much to you that he could sacrifice his ego just for your well-being. You really meant something to him, you had to. Your tears and fear were long gone, in fact, a smile was nearly on your face. Your doubts about this relationship were melting away by the second, maybe this would last. Revenant didn't seem to be the type to have such moments of weakness, especially this early on in a relationship. Such a juxtaposition compared to how he's usually teasing you with horny remarks or jabs at you for whatever reason.

"Thanks Rev, that means a lot." His eyes glowed more intense, seems he likes the nickname. His stance had evened out now, standing normally. He hummed in approval, analyzing your face, memorizing every little detail, as well as searching for any possible sign you were hiding that you were upset. His eyes kept coming back to your lips. He was definitely smiling, and now so were you.

"You're handsome when you smile, skinsuit, y'know that?"

God he could kiss you right now.

And that he did.

[difx-writes]

Wildest Dreams - In the Death of the Night

Masterlist

After turning 10 and losing her soulmate, Marinette would imagine how Damian Wayne would be.

Would he be tall or short? Did he have blond hair or brown or did he dyed it? Would he be shy or have a bold personality? Perhaps he was an artistic soul, a poet, a writer? Or would he be a baker like her parents? Why did his last name change?

The wonders and questions took over her mind for days with no end.

On good days, she imagined how he would interact with her friends, how her parents would take him in as their own son, how he would fit into her life.

She liked to talk to him, pretending there, alive, with her. She asked his opinion on what to wear, how she should do her hair, what colors with go well with the design. He was her voice of reason. Talking to "Damian" brought a smile to her face, even when she knew she was deluding herself.

On bad days, she pretended he was right there with her, comforting her, encouraging her, whispering that everything would be alright... Sometimes it worked and she felt better the next days but most times she felt bitter, she felt robbed of a future where he was in her life.

The realization that the person she was supposed to share her soul with was no longer alive, that his death was painful, gruesome, and... lonely... It always ended with her taking a few days to prevent a breakdown...

When she turned 13, Hawkmoth appeared and Marinette became Ladybug, the hero of Paris.

Soon after, Marinette stopped talking with "Damian", she couldn't afford to wonder about him anymore. She couldn't afford the bliss of her own delusions. She couldn't afford to let herself grief and fall pray to Hawkmoth's manipulation.

As she couldn't fail Paris and its citizens, Damian Wayne mostly disappeared from her life.

But there were days when her “friends” demanded a lot from her, akumas were too violent and draining and everything was just too much, those the godawful days.

On godawful days she wished Damian was there to take her away to a place she could feel she belonged. Away from everything to a place she could call a home.

_______

Most nights Damian recalls a voice talking to him during the time he was dead.

His soulmate, he supposed, talked to him regularly, she started her day asking his opinion on her outfit for the day, when at home she would tell him how her day went, what she did with her friends, what she learned in class, etc...

At first, Damian was pretty much annoyed that he couldn't "rest in peace" with all the noise pollution but after a few weeks, he slowly started to tolerate her talking to him.

Unfortunately, he couldn't talk to her nor see her very clearly so it was a pleasant surprise when Marinette would ask his opinion to make a decision, she always picked what he chooses.

Perhaps it was their bond that allowed her to know what he was thinking without actually hearing each other's thoughts. Or maybe they were more in sync with one another. Most likely it was pure luck on her part. (Him being dead is enough proof of how bad his luck was.)

In the months he was dead, Damian learned a grand lot Marinette. He liked how she made him feel he wasn't alone, like how her voice calmed him when he remembered the family he left behind in his death. Marinette was his only lighthouse in the vast void of the afterlife

_______

Impotent, despair, and hopeless.

That's how Damian felt every time Marinette had to relive his death. He hated it so much. She didn't deserve that and it broke his heart every damn time.

Why did he have to die? Why did it have to be in such a painful way? Why did she have to feel it on repeat over and over and over again? Was it a twisted way the universe tried to make them reunited? If they can't find each other in life, then they can be together in death? That isn't right!

But it always hurts more when she wakes up and talks to him. Wondering if he was happy and in peace, in wherever place he ended up.

He was there but she didn't know.

He felt sick.

After being revived, Damian felt an immense sense of loss. Sure, he was kinda happy to reunite with his family and grateful for being alive again, but he missed her.

It was difficult to readjust to being alive again, it was crystal clear that Damian Wayne wasn't okay. What hurts him the most was how her name turned into a scar on his wrist.

During the day paranoia settled in making him always on high alert, lashing out when it got too much for him.

In the night, he couldn't sleep properly as a feeling of unease latched onto his every nerve and when he did sleep, nightmares plagued him.

Damian tried to calm down in various ways, but ultimately it was Marinette's voice that soothed him and lulled him to sleep.

It quickly became a habit to replay their one-sided conversations as he tries to fall asleep.

He went over what Marinette Dupain-Cheng spoke to him time and time again as to engrave her voice in his mind. Unfortunately, her voice was fading away, every time he recalled it, he hear his own voice.

At least some memories remained, which was relieving for Damian, even when important ones like what language she spoke or the name of her school were completely wiped out.

He never told his family his experience while he was dead, he guesses Jason was the most likely to know about it but he never brought it up to anyone, so Damian did the same.

Now he was lying in bed, remembering about the time Marinette tried embroidery for the first time.

She started by searching up what she wanted it to be and after much talking, she chose a Robin, Damian smile at the eagerness he felt for her to chose it. It was a fun day, with her making comments here and there about the work, he wishes he could see it.

A knock woke him up of his thoughts, Alfred emerging from the door.

"Master Damian, I'm here to inform you a guest will be joining us for tomorrow's dinner."

"Whose guest?" He didn't really feel like dealing with new people.

"It's Master Jason's guest."

Damian groans, perhaps he could go visit Kent.

"It would be in your best interest to participate, Master Damian." Alfred gave him a look.

He sighed, definitely can't miss tomorrow or he'll have to face Pennyworth.

So, I've written another chapter while listening to a sad song on repeat :') I know it doesn’t really connect to the last chapter but I wasn’t feeling okay and didn’t know how to continue from where I left off.

I hope y’all enjoyed this and have a nice day!

P.S.: The taglist is temporarily closed as some tags aren't working. Again, I'm very sorry if I missed anyone. If you no longer want to be tagged please hit me up.

Taglist:

@thestressmademedoit @moonlightstar64 @dast218 @moonystars14 @buticaaba @urbanpineapplefarmer @thedragonbug  @little-lady-bird @an-actual-changeling @ladybug-182 @ash-amg @g-arya @nnon-it-up @hateswifi @maribat-is-lifeblood @kikooaaaaaa @jessigurl-design @vixen-uchiha @acoursedprophetwithasmothie @snow-leopard-777 @theatreandcomicfreak @zalladane @fusser90 @finallyaniguana @danielslilangel @dreamykitty25 @corabeth11 @ellymae21 @books-and-left-behind-journals @hetalia-lover-is-here @dorkus-minimus @magic-miraculous @waywardpeachgardenshark @darkthunder1589 @jaggedheart11 @daminettes @todaylillypads @schrodingers25 @pheonixashtree @mikantsume @eliza-bich @miraculous-simmer7 @goblinwhoships @fidget-eep @rosalineandrosemary @lunarwolfspn @more-or-less-human-i-guess @aestheticnpoetic @amayakans @abrx2002 @karategirl119 @agentofscifi @flower-and-drawing @itsmeevie01 @suddenly-i-kin-oikawa @ii-fox-demon @thatonecroc @dawnwave16 @bigpicklebananatree @violentbisexualprophecywriter @scribblinggraveyard @heaven428 @toodaloo-kangaroo @ravennightingaleandavatempus @chylou34 @silvergold-swirl @magictragic-world @snowstar1016 @heldtogetherbysafetypins @awkwardoneout @novicevoice @thenillabean @bookishdork13 @laurcad123 @thezestywalru @k-poplunardreams @coloursforyourportrait @fandomsaremylifeline @goddessofthewestwind @captainmac6 @chocolatecatstheron @princessanimeangel11 @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @ur-beautiful-when-u-smile @batlover1303 @softlysobbingpostendgame @justconfusedperiod @clumsy-owl-4178 @bluesimani @iwritelikeimrunningoutoftime @kokotaru @totalyasexual @professionalfangirl1738 @nitholites @zestyzealot @pawsitivelymiraculous @autiegirlshit @raz-b-rose @thanks-captain-obvious @emilytopaz @nightstarblue @2confused-2doanything @niknak-3 @blackroserelina @fortunatelyoptimisticdeer @ira-sairain @pepelachanel @naimena @iloveitwhen @disneyfoxuniverse @ur-average-reader @lylshyt @jerusalemandolives @anonymously-odd @southamericanghotamite @a-star-with-a-human-name @we-want-mini-mini @literallytryingmybestbutok @alenee13 @animegirlweeb @our-preciousss @prudencerika @byronsacademics @ivymala07 @shamefullove @susiej1118 @technicallyburninggarden @sentimentalcrap @ertyzeta @tomanyfandomsonmymind @starmist19 @synnesstra @nokia75 @swiftie-miraculer13 @solideogloria172 @a-door-into-my-mind @road-work-ahead123 @madking-warqueen @caseoftheblues @buginetye @ihavehomeworkbutistillhere @i-wanna-go-to-outerspace @insane-fangirl-of-everything @ultimatetornshipper @chaoticstarworld @adrestar @wolf-for-life @blacktea-ba @pinkk-sheep @autiegirlshit @chocolateherringtacofan @blackroserelina @samopotahto @blur-of-colours @stainedglassm @redbullgivescaswings @khneltea @amigotasbien @sdg-demachera @alyssadeliv @greatcatblaze @raesofmoonlight @galla02006 @sunflowers-and-mooncakes @novaloptr @qualitypeacepainter @solangelo252 @unnamed2357 @thespianlesb @mildlydeadly @yuriyuhitsu @hewantedbeefintheparkinglot @literaryhiraeth @luna025 @henie04 @trashesa @castle-bookworms-world

[wrenqueenisboss]

DSMP x m!reader (aesthetic doesn’t “fit the norms”)

This was requested by my lovely 💜🕸✨ anon. Warnings: hate(ful) comments, protective behavior, (mentions of) violence, cursing (very mild) Characters: Dream, George, Sapnap, Karl, Quackity (romantic or platonic, u choose) Pronouns: he/him Type: fluff 

Dream:

this man honestly loves your style

who wouldn’t honestly, you looked so good!

when you first met Dream, he complimented you on your fashion

you were wearing black fishnets

a black skirt

and a black hoodie

with a blue jean jacket on top

he asked if you would be okay taking a picture (both of your guys’ faces are cropped out) so that he could post it on instagram

you said yes

it was posted with the caption “y/n has great fashion sense :)”

twitter freaked out over it

if anyone gave you shit over how you dressed, you’d better know that Dream is ready to beat. them. up.

George:

George, I think, would be far less vocal in his fascination with your outfits

instead, you’d catch him staring at you and your awesome skirt that swished when you moved

if you ever outright asked him what he thought, he’d respond so honestly

“I personally don’t think it’d look good on me” that’s a lie, gogy, we think you’d look great “but you look amazing!”

If you ever received any hate comments, you’d go straight to George

he’s so supportive and kind that you’d trust him to listen to you, or even just listen

if you say it’s okay, he will give someone the lecture of their life for daring to insult you

I swear, he’s so scary when he’s actually mad

Sapnap:

Sapnap would be constantly talking about how cool your style is

on stream: “Yeah, guys. Have you seen Y/n’s style?! It’s sooooo good. Like, I could never pull it off, but they look awesome.”

his friends and chat make fun of him for how much he talks about your style but he has absolutely no shame

one time, he did a stream making a tier list to rank all of his favorite of your outfits

he and chat worked together to create the “Y/n Outfit Olympics”

The criteria that was used to determine the score of the outfit was very detailed (he took it very seriously)

how it looked on you (obviously)

how comfortable you were in it

practicality

fashion

overall aesthetic (meaning, how well all of the individual elements of the look go together)

He has his moods block and ban anyone who says anything remotely rude

Karl:

Karl thought your style was the most adorable thing in the history of the universe (no u, Karl)

He loved helping you pick out different elements 

specifically jewelry. If you liked wearing a necklace, earring, bracelet, etc. he’d have so much fun finding which ones went best with your outfit

there was time (over the span of a week) that you were feeling down because of all the hate comments you were getting

Karl did everything he could to try and cheer you up

compliments

hugs

kisses (if romantic)

cuddles

Finally, he had a great idea

you were scrolling through twitter when the sound of Karl’s voice made you look up

There he was, standing in your clothes (if you have different sizes in clothes, imagine he bought what you wear in his size)

actually, he was just wearing your favorite skirt with his favorite sweater on top

Quackity:

I personally think that Quackity would always support you and your clothing choices, but maybe it wouldn’t be his absolute favorite

He thought you looked great, and would tell you that every time he saw you, but it isn’t his favorite style

However, if anybody tried to make fun of you or tease you...

This man turns into a one-man army.

“What did you just say about Y/n?!?!?!” *he puts a protective arm around you* “They look freakin’ amazing. So I suggest you turn around and leave him alone before I beat your ass.”

He would absolutely get you so many beanies (to match him) that would match with your aesthetic

Black matches? You bet ur gonna find a whole collection of black beanies on your bed when you get home from whatever.

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 1

-no hate (this is merely my humble opinion) but i strongly dislike tom hughes as tom riddle, and here’s why-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

Just personally, this fancast induces a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, but this is the first time I’ve been able to sit down and articulate properly why it always throws me for a loop.

Now, does he fit the visual/aesthetic archetype?

Yes. I understand completely why people like this fancast. We know that he is studious, intellectual, and (at the time people generally fancast him for) involved in the criminal underground, and he more-or-less fits the physical description.

And, to be clear, it’s not that I don’t think Tom Hughes could play Tom Riddle, it’s that I don’t think the character he plays in the fancasts is a close enough approximation of Tom Riddle.

For me, herein lies the issue.

Tom Riddle’s character is all about the emotions bubbling under the surface. He’s a disaster waiting to happen -- he’s angry, he’s lonely, he wants revenge, he feels empty and hopeless and desperate, he’s irrational...

Not sure what movie/show the Tom Hughes clips come from, but the character he plays isn’t that at all. the character he plays is very self-possessed, poised, self-aware. Reflective. Remorseful (there are clips of him crying when/after he shoots someone). Introspective. 

That, to me, is not Tom Riddle at all. 

Yes, he does deal with moral conflict, but it’s never at the forefront of his mind. It’s not something he’s constantly grappling with. He doesn’t really... brood in this Hamlet-esque way.

Tom doesn’t think. Sure, he plans, he ruminates, he rationalizes a posteriori. But he’s very unaware of himself (in fact, it’s one of his fatal flaws). It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions; just that his internal state is a mystery most of the time.

He doesn’t connect with his own emotions; he is completely estranged from them. Tom cannot tell you whether he is happy or sad (not just because of his pride). He keeps his emotions and moral compass (which are highly uncomfortable things), in a locked little box, swallows the key, and disregards them. And yet, this character connects so deeply with his emotions that even the audience can see exactly what he’s going through. 

(There’s an openness -- an ease of vulnerability -- that Tom Riddle doesn’t have)

The thing about Tom, is that he hates himself just as much as he hates everyone around him. Creating Horcruxes to save himself from death is not an act of self-love, or even narcissism to the extreme; instead, forcibly ripping your own soul seven times is the most literally and metaphorically self-destructive thing a person could possibly do.

"Of the Horcrux, wickedest of magical inventions, we shall not speak nor give direction —"

If we go all the way back to Book 1, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, you’ll remember that the eponymous material (first described in the Epic of Gilgamesh) is capable of producing the Elixir of Life, a magical substance that makes its drinker immortal, as long as you have a steady supply. Not only that, but according to the beliefs of historical alchemists (such as Nicholas Flamel), it was capable of curing any disease. In the alchemical tradition, it symbolized perfection, enlightenment, and heavenly bliss.

If all Tom Riddle was concerned about was prolonging his life, this is the obvious (and better) option.

Here’s the alchemical symbol of the Philosopher’s Stone. Looks kind of like the Deathly Hallows symbol, right? It represents the interplay of the (at the time, believed) four elements of matter -- a sort of periodic table, if you will.

The mature Philosopher’s Stone was believed to be a red stone (for making gold), and the immature one a white stone (for making silver). Rubeus Hagrid and Albus Dumbledore, anyone??

"So he's made himself impossible to kill by murdering other people?" said Harry. "Why couldn't he make a Sorcerer's Stone, or steal one, if he was so interested in immortality?"

And Dumbledore responds:

"But there are several reasons why, I think, a Sorcerer's Stone would appeal less than Horcruxes to Lord Voldemort.”

"While the Elixir of Life does indeed extend life, it must be drunk regularly, for all eternity, if the drinker is to maintain the immortality. Therefore, Voldemort would be entirely dependent on the Elixir, and if it ran out, or was contaminated, or if the Stone was stolen, he would die just like any other man. Voldemort likes to operate alone, remember. I believe that he would have found the thought of being dependent, even on the Elixir, intolerable...”

And while, yes, he did try to steal it rather than make it, I am sure that in the time it took Tom to make all of his Horcruxes, he could have learned enough alchemy to produce it for himself (or wheedled the information out of Nicholas Flamel). While Dumbledore hypothesizes that it’s because Tom hates feeling dependent, this must be irony, because he spends the first book as a literal parasite, the next three as a virtually helpless creature, and the remainder still reliant on his Horcruxes.

"Well, you must understand that the soul is supposed to remain intact and whole. Splitting it is an act of violation, it is against nature."

But, like me, Dumbledore is making guesses at Tom Riddle’s internal state, and in this case, I think, he’s made an oversight. Horcruxes make him equally as dependent as the Philosopher’s Stone would have. It’s been established in canon that you cannot make yourself immortal without help; either you rely on the continued existence of your Horcruxes or your supply of the Elixir.

And while the Elixir represents the positive aspects of eternal life, like renewal, rebirth, and the cyclical nature of the universe (see above the ouroboros of Cleopatra the Alchemist, one of the four women who knew how to make the philosopher's stone), a Horcrux is antithetical to life. It represents disorder, and once the creator of Horcruxes dies, they are unable to move on from Limbo -- shut out of the cycle. Harry describes Tom’s mangled soul as looking like a flayed and mutilated baby -- permanently immature and stagnant.

This theme of destruction is furthered by the Golden Trio’s discussion on how to reverse the process:

Ron: "Isn't there any way of putting yourself back together?"

Hermione: "Yes, but it would be excruciatingly painful."

Harry: "Why? How do you do it?"

Hermione: "Remorse. You've got to really feel what you've done. There’s a footnote. Apparently the pain of it can destroy you. I can’t see Voldemort attempting it somehow, can you?"

With this in mind, we can surmise that Tom is either (a) impatient, which we know he is not (b) there was some deeper reason for favouring Horcruxes -- so, yes, I believe that either metaphorically or literally, this was self-harming behaviour.

He takes on the name of Lord Voldemort because he hates himself, Tom Marvolo Riddle. He hates the Muggle part of himself so much that he’s willing to tear apart his entire being. 

"Voldemort, is my past, present, and future, Harry Potter..."

If that isn’t renouncement of himself, I don’t know what is. He was clearly not born Voldemort.

While of course, this does NOT excuse ANY of his actions, I find it vastly implausible that the likes of Malfoy, Mulciber, Carrow, etc... would have been welcoming in any way, shape or form to an assumed ‘Mudblood’ in scruffy secondhand robes from a London orphanage, and as such, indoctrinated him into his fanatic belief in blood-purity via antagonizing him. 

(Imagine Hermione, but poor and without parents, in the 1930s/40s. She would not have been treated well in Slytherin, either.)

Children are more vicious than you think. And while Tom probably gave as good as he got at Wool’s Orphanage (and was possibly an active aggressor himself), Hogwarts wouldn’t have been a level playing-field. (I’ll talk a bit about this and the significance of the Gaunt Ring in Part 2).

In other terms, I think Tom was bullied for having dubious origins. That’s often the swiftest way to radicalize someone, and would have left Tom with a crippling sense of self-hatred that I don’t think he would have even picked up from the orphanage.

(And it’s possibly this early experience with relational aggression that results in his constant need to be on the offensive/defensive, distrust of others, and fear of vulnerability. To me, this is an archetypal response of someone who was a past victim of bullying.)

Why else would an extremely powerful half-blood subscribe so strongly to those beliefs? (Rather than discriminating via amount of raw power or something -- because what Tom is immensely proud of when Dumbledore meets him is his ability, not his parentage). But I digress.

Now, Tom Riddle is never, ever quietly menacing like this. The mask is either completely on or completely off. We never see this character angry. Tom Riddle, when the mask slips off, is fury incarnate. Anger is the one emotion he doesn’t find weak; the one emotion he’s completely and utterly honest with.

Besides, that brings me to my next point. Tom’s not quite so austere. In fact, he’s quite witty, and often quite pleased with himself.

Just look at the difference in their body language. Tom has much more fluidity (he’s circling Harry, the head-tilt, the eyebrows move and he smiles a bit) than the other character, who has so much tension. Yes, they’re both menacing, but in completely different ways. Tom is comfortable with his actions, no matter how shitty they are. This other guy doesn’t like doing what he’s doing, but he’s going to do it, anyway.

Contrasted with the above, Tom’s unawareness of himself is such that we end up with a character who has a bizarre mix of extreme self-hatred and high self-esteem -- he always believes he is in the right -- in this case, doing Salazar Slytherin’s noble work -- while going to extreme, self-destructive lengths, such as tearing himself in half at the mere age of sixteen.

So, sorry... I kind of get the appeal, but... I don’t like the fancast. 

(More unpopular opinions coming at 5:30 PM EDT tomorrow!)

[forrests-waterfall]

Hello ! I’d like to request a CG Technoblade and little Tommy 3-5 , if that’s okay! (No pressure to do it :) )

Maybe Tommy is sick and him and tech are home and he wants attention, hes not little at first but he is grumpy and all shouty and being big man Tommy because he’s sick and angry about it but he’s also a bit out of it and can’t do things on his own , Tech just teases him by treating him like a kid and calling him a big baby and saying stuff like “aww is the baby grumpy” giving him head pats not letting him do stuff because “he’s a grumpy baby” and he needs help to do it n because of this Tommy ends up slipping and asking for “techie” and techno ends up full on looking after him , tucking him in , giving him a sippy , medicine (yuck) , a stuffie maybe, if ur okay w pet names could I suggest little one and piglet

Although please have as much creative liberty (think that’s the right word) with it because I think it’ll be more fun that way!

Anyway thank you so much if you do write this up but if not that’s also totally okay! Have a good week !

Little!Tommy and CG!Technoblade

A / N ;; This is so cute!!! I tried to write it according to DSMP!Techno’s house so hopefully this sounds a bit right! (Also sorry if it’s weirdly written, I’m still getting used to writing oneshots again as I took a long break ^^;;. It’s also kinda short so, apologies!! Also author doesn’t know how to write the skipping process pfft. And sorry if this is kind of, yucky bad pfft)

CW ;; Mentions of being sick

Etc ;; Not proof read

Tommy felt awful, to say the least.

He had woken up in a sweat from being over heated, his eyes itched, and his nose was all clogged up. The teen had tried to ignore it and go back into his somewhat peaceful sleep but, it hadn't worked. His mind couldn't help but focus on the new found sickness he had been experiencing.

Acknowledging the fact he couldn't go back to bed, he pushed the remaining covers he had on, onto the floor. He stretched his arms behind his back, more or less stalling him getting out of his comfortable bed. Groaning, he rubbed his right eye and pushed himself up.

Thinking of what to do, he decided on bothering Techno. He wouldn’t admit but Techno made him feel better whenever he was sick or upset. Whether it was by making stupid sarcastic jokes or just a comforting silence, the hybrid always made the teen feel some type of comfort.

Tommy climbed up the latter, with each step a squeaking noise made sure to alert the other person in the house that someone was climbing up or down. That always bothered Tommy, but he didn’t care enough to fix the annoying sound. Or figure out how for that matter.

Once to the level he wanted, the teen hopped off the wooden structure and onto the floor.

Techno looked up as the other’s shoes made a sound against the floorboards. “Hullo” The hybrid greeted the other, then continued on working with his brewing stand. Tommy let out a quick exhale as a soft laugh at the other’s usual greeting.

“Hey big man” the blonde’s voice obviously sounded exhausted, which was very different from his normal tone. The piglin hybrid noticed but decided not to question it at first. Maybe the other was just tired.

Tommy walked over to the older and looked at the potions he was working on. “Workin on some nerd shit again?” Techno plopped a spider eye into a bit of liquid. “Nerd stuff that you tend to use—which is why I’m making more in the first place- yes” he placed the glass bottle underneath a set of tubes that would put another substance into the mixture.

The teen rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms, he didn’t really like the feeling of them being by his side all the time.

Silence went over the two, Techno focusing on his potions and Tommy watching him. This tended to happen a lot when the two were home alone. Thought it wasn’t always a bad thing, neither really minded the quiet. At least Tommy didn’t sometimes.

The hybrid was still thinking about how calm Tommy was being, or how tired he sounded. It was out of character for the teen. Though maybe he was just overthinking it. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t still curious about it.

“You alright? You seem err-tired to say the least” he finally questioned, not sure if he’d get an actual answer or just Tommy yelling about how he was fine. “I’m fine, I’m a-“ at very bad timing, Tommy proceeded to let out a couple coughs into his elbow.

The older stopped messing with the potions and raised an eyebrow. “You seemed to have sold yourself out there-“ “my throat just felt weird!” The teen tried to refute against the hybrid, though didn’t work as he went into a small fit of coughing once more.

“Yeah, you don’t seem very ‘fine’” Techno air quoted with his fingers. “I am!!” The other crossed his arms again, stepping away from Techno.

Tommy huffed as he sat on top of a wooden desk where a couple of old books sat. “Shut up” “I didn’t say anything, T-“ “you thought something!” Techno decided it would be pointless to continue the back and forth.

“You’re being very grumpy for someone that’s okay” The blonde let out a small “Tch” as he looked away from the hybrid.

Techno was and wasn’t one for teasing others, but he saw the opportunity and decided to take it. “You’re being such a grumpy baby, Toms” he stated as he ruffled the teen’s hair. Tommy shook his head after Techno took his hand away.

The blonde felt himself slipping into his headspace at such a short sentence. The nickname that the hybrid used made Tommy feel small, and Techno was somewhat aware of that. Techno knew the other hadn’t regressed in a couple days (to his knowledge) and figured this would help. Especially since Tommy felt sick.

“‘M not!” Tommy argued as he stuck his tongue out at Techno. The hybrid let out a small chuckle, “awww, Is the baby grumpy?” Techno moved some of Tommy’s bangs away from his eyes, he could tell they were bothering the younger.

Tommy, now fully in his headspace let out a small sigh. He stuck his arms out and made grabby hands towards the taller. “Techie” techno smiled at the nickname the little gave him, “you want me to carry you?” Techno could care less if the other was sick, it was just them two. Plus he didn’t get sick much anyway.

The blonde gave a simple nod, with that Techno picked him up and place him on the side of his waist. Tommy laid his head against the hybrid’s shoulder, once Techno knew Tommy was comfortable and safe, he climbed down the latter.

The piglin had to make sure 𝖳𝗈𝗆𝗆𝗒 was securely on him with each step, as he didn’t want Tommy to wiggle out and fall.

“Alright piglet, I’m gonna set you on your bed okay? Then I have to leave to get some stuff, but I’ll be right back” Tommy nodded, “okay Techie”

The hybrid placed the younger onto his bed and put the covers over his legs, not knowing if he would be too over heated.

He placed his hand on Tommy’s forehead to see if he was hot, sighing he took his hand away. He was kind of hot but, not too bad.

Techno left to get some stuff from upstairs and came back rather quickly. He balanced a sippy cup, two different drinks, and some red medicine he found in a cabinet.

“Do you want milk or juice, little one?” Tommy pointed at the Apple juice carton as Techno nodded. He put the stuff down and screwed off the cap of the sippy cup, immediately pouring the liquid into tie empty bottle.

He put the lid back on and handed it to Tommy. “Don’t drink that yet, I know you’re going to hate it but you have to take medicine. And I want you to have something to wash it down with” the little pouted, Tommy hated medicine, big or little.

Techno poured the medicine into a small plastic cup that had small markings of measurements on it. When there was enough he put the medicine down and handed the small clear cup to the other. Tommy refused to take it, why would he want to drink something gross?

“Yuck” “I know I know. How about this” Techno began an offer, “if you take this, we can watch whatever movie you want tomorrow while eating snacks you want” Tommy seemed to think about it for a second, before he nodded excitedly. He took the medicine and quickly swallowed the nasty substance.

He proceeded to drink his apple juice to get rid of the awful taste that was in his mouth. The medicine Techno had tasted horrible.

“Good job piglet. Thank you for taking the medicine” the hybrid ruffled with Tommy’s hair like earlier, messing it up a bit. Techno did a quick look around of Tommy’s room before asking, “do you know where your stuffie is?”

The little pointed towards a chest he had in the corner of his room, “is in there. Made him his own bed w’th blankets” he smiled, seeming proud of himself. “Well why don’t we take him out for a bit? I’m sure he’ll wanna see you”

Tommy agreed as the other opened the chest and took the black and white cow stuffie out. It was one of Tommy’s favorite stuffies, he fed it, talked to it, and basically did everything with it. So if anything would make Tommy feel better, it’d be this.

Techno handed the stuffie over to the blonde as he took it in his hands and hugged it. “T’ank you!” Techno returned a soft smile, “alright well, I’m going to go back upstairs. Call me if you-“ “noo!” Tommy pouted.

He wanted Techno to stay. The other made him feel better and forget about whatever sickness he picked up. If he left, then Tommy would feel awful if he was left alone.

“You want me to stay?” Techno raised an eyebrow, usually Tommy was okay if the hybrid had to go do some work for a bit. Though right now, Tommy felt quite the opposite. “Stay, p’ease” he hugged onto his cow stuffie tighter as he looked at the other.

“Fine fine, I’ll stay piglet. If you promise to go to sleep” Tommy agreed and Techno got underneath the blankets along with the little. Techno ran his fingers softly through the blondes hair. He was aware of how much this calmed Tommy down, Tommy would ask and ask for Techno to play with his hair when he was little. It was oddly comforting to the other.

“Night night, little one”

“Ni Ni, Techie”

[fairycosmos]

i need help i can’t stop thinking about killing myself like it’s happened before but i’ve never gone through with it it’s going to hurt i know it i know

i'm really sorry to hear that love :( it seems like you're having such a hard time right now. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really put a dent in ur pain, but since we're both here rn i'll do a bit of talking and if you're not feeling it you can ignore it, or you can come back to this later. maybe you want to try some grounding exercises, here / here and here before you feel capable of focusing. that's ok, take all the time you need. now, as someone who also struggles with this, i just wanted to say that i understand the intensity of the moment and how sometimes it really feels like the urge to give up is far stronger than any notion of hope the future has to offer. it is totally understandable how we get to this point when so much of life just seems to be suffering. having said that, i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me and an even better sign that you're able to recognize that these ARE just thoughts. and while they can be very powerful hurtful things, they do not exist in the tangible reality. not every idea that passes through your mind has to be believed or acted upon - all of this turmoil and self loathing, it is not factual and it is not permanent either. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so please let them pass on through, even if that takes a long time. allow it to. we've already established that this state of mind has come and gone in the past, and it will do the same again, if you give it the chance to. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is transient no matter how difficult it is to endure. that fear is your survival instinct and it's kicking in to keep you here. you deserve to be here and you deserve to thrive, no matter what your mind is telling you. it sounds like you're going through phases of intense suicidal ideation and there can be a whole host of underlying causes for this - mental illness, past trauma etc. obviously those are very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side them. almost nuturing them, so they don't overwhelm you as much. sometimes it boils down to loving yourself through it like a parent loves a child.

are you currently in touch with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to seek help as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where you're at with your thoughts lately so they can focus on treating you more intensely. if you're worried about money, there are cost-sensitive options like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. any effort, no matter how small, counts. i know the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. but it really is not the nightmare your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and worked with. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of crises like this, to become more prepared for them so they feel less earth-shattering when they do occur. talking about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be heard. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just randoms like me, who are willing to be that presence for you.

this isn't always the case but a LOT of the time, suicidal people don't want to die, they just want to stop living 'like this'. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to achieve that, i mean it. i know when you're in this state of mind, any even slightly positive statement just feels like rubbing salt into the wound. but even if you can't seriously take them on board, i hope when you're in a more grounded place you can at least consider them as valid alternatives to absolute hopelessness. you might as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to be a burden. you honestly have an inherent worth that has been with you since the day you were born. it isn't gone just because you can't see it right now. every day you fulfil your purpose by experiencing the world. you can't fathom how many lives you've touched, directly and indirectly, just by being who you are. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. there is nothing you need to prove, or give. the future is ever changing and doesn't exist yet, and you've already survived the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly prioritize yourself. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna work, it would've by now. it's ok to try something new and to attempt to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise that and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what lies your brain is feeding you, no matter how much you don't actually want to in the moment. everything is always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, they always do. you deserve to stick around to see that, and once you've made the decision to do that, you won't have to be scared anymore, not the way you are right now. i'm going to leave some links that i think might be of some service to you right now, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i believe in you so much and i really hope you are able do the right thing for your own safety. such strong emotions are not built to last. just get through today, or even the next five minutes, andthen go from there. sending so much love.

list of hotlines

coping with suicidal thoughts

coping with depression

template for creating a safety plan

so you feel like shit? (this site really helped me the other day)

[qis-diamant99]

before 2021 ends,

I want to wrap this up by sharing the things that i went thru this year. so many things happened in just a year. I feel like i’ve grown too, from all the mistakes, from the wrong ppl i met who hurt me, etc. I learn. i learned a lot. Earlier this year, i met someone. who i never thought would give me so much trauma, and pain. Till this day, when i think about it, i got gaslighted and manipulated to the point that it took me months to recover. To convince myself that its never me. Im not the problem. I was finding reasons why did the person have the heart to do tht to me cause i would never do that to him. I still justified what he did at the very beginning bcs i was inlove with him. I was depressed thinking if there’s anything wrong with me that made him do that. Basically, i was used. Taken for granted. He knew all along that he would hurt me at the end, yet, he kept me long enough for his benefit. when he was lonely, sad, thats when he searched for me. But when he didnt know what to do, he was confused, he just throw me away like im some trash. But im glad tht i threw him away too.. When he got back with her, despite telling me shits of how much he got hurt by that girl, he went back to that anyway? Whats the point rlly? I was the one tht told u to fix things with her. & the audacity of you to say “i cant have what i want” when u couldnt “leave her”. In other words, u’re saying tht she’s not wht she wants actually

I’ll never forget tht. I’ll never forget how u let me suffer alone without an apology for the argument, for the last call we had, for all the traumatic words u said to me. I still cant find myself to forgive u for tht. I’ll never forget when u said “u gave me comfort. And she didnt” now i cant even imagine if she knows u said that. I have all the call records of u saying tht in case u think im lying. And i can show tht to her too. Or to everyone if i wanted to. But see how i keep quiet? be grateful. Also, Remember when u gaslighted me with denying that u forgot tht u said u love me? I swear to god. Thats the worst thing someone can ever say. The damage i had to endure after hearing all that tho. U have no idea. Now imagine her even knowing that u said u love some other girl behind her back just easy? lol. When i was moving on from you, thats when i realise every single thing. Every thing was connected. I realised u did me so wrong & i just let it happen? And i even became the better person by apologising for something thts clearly not my fault in the first place. I was so manipulated. Yes, i sent u tht long message. I meant every single word i said there, at that time. Bcs i was so still inlove with u. When i even took my time to go to a quiet bookstore just to talk to you when i was outside with my friends, bcs u were scared of getting covid, i was shaking bcs i was so worried abt you. Wow i cant believe i did all tht to someone who decided to bluntly played me & had no remorse. & u had the audacity to tell me that she was there for you at the end of the day? After talking bad about her to me? After demonising her? And u didnt even tell me earlier? Do u even care about how i felt at the time, at our last call when u said tht? I was so well fooled. I was so so blind. and of course, you ghosting me just shows how much i deserve so much more than that & you def dont deserve me. I shouldve not responded to ur text when u start double texting me and calling me etc at the beginning when i tried to stay away frm you. And i made it clear. I had good intentions all along. My love was pure & but u decided to play around. Never again, i go thru tht. But thank you btw, thank you. Bcs of you, i learned not to settle for less. She can have you all she wants. Until she knows what u did to her of course. But thats not my job to let her know. When the tables have turned, good luck. U better be grateful, that i shut my mouth abt you. U better b counting ur blessings frm now on that i dont tell her anything until now. Just know tht the things u did to me, is such an asshole move. Remember, u dont get to treat people like this and pretend like nothing happened w/o any payback. Enjoy it while it lasts. What goes around comes around. Mark my words.

Happy new year to you. This will be the last time i talk about you or even think abt you or even say your name. For sure, i no longer feel the pain in my heart when i hear ur name. But i still find the things u did was unacceptable bcs i know i dont deserve it. No one deserves it. Im closing the book here, today. Also, Miss sabrina azli deserves to know the truth. I have all the proofs with me. but wtv, till then. Goodbye.

[scoopsahoy]

i just read ur fic about getting pregnant with steve and was wondering if u could write one about the reader and steve struggling for a few years to get pregnant, and she has an emotional breakdown one night bc she doesn't feel like enough for him because it's been pushed on her that women's only jobs are to have kids and shes like "i cant even do that so how am i supposed to please you" and he comforts her and makes her feel better

ぺ  word count ⋰ 2.3k

✰  tw ⋰ none :)

❍  cw ⋰ swearing, mentions of sex

✐  masterlist

⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★

You sat on the toilet seat with your leg bouncing, anxiously waiting for the pregnancy test results to show up. This had become a new norm for you: getting pregnancy tests and anxiously awaiting the results. And you were sick of it.

It took a toll on you. Getting a negative result every single month for four years straight was stressful mentally and physically. You’d had a migraine for at least three and a half years, and no medicine helped. You were always nauseous and sick, which your gynecologist said was normal in your situation. You were always tired and sad, which affected your job and your relationship with Steve.

You knew he was just as tired of it as you were, and you knew he was probably exhausted from having to care for you all the time.

It had also taken a toll on your sex life. At this point, you two only had sex to reproduce. You rarely finished and always denied his offers to help you. You would always flip yourself upside down afterward to help the sperm enter your uterus.

You’d both been to the doctor multiple times to see which one of you was fertile. Steve was one hundred percent fertile, while you had less of a chance of getting pregnant that you should’ve had.

You’d been to multiple IVF appointments as well. It wasn’t Steve’s favorite thing in the world to go into a room alone and masturbate to porn to provide sperm samples.

At this point, he didn’t enjoy looking at other women to get off, so you had taken pictures of yourself to give him.

The first few times it was awkward for him afterward, but you assured him there was nothing uncomfortable about it.

You’d probably spent over ten thousand dollars on it, and it was heartbreaking each time it didn’t work.

At the end of the five minutes, you grabbed the test out of the sink, feeling a pain in your heart at the single line.

You tossed it back into the sink as you stood up, feeling tears slide down your face. Your back hit the wall and you slid down until you felt yourself land on your ass.

You pulled your knees into your chest, propped your elbows on them, and put your hands into your palms.

You couldn’t help but sob. You and Steve had been trying for four years to conceive. And, despite everything mentioned, none of it worked. This was one of your last straws, a wave of sadness washing over you.

You both desperately wanted kids, preferably two or three. But at this point, you’d be lucky to even have one.

Steve made it clear that in the end, if you couldn’t have children of your own, he’d be perfectly okay with adopting, or just not having any. And you agreed.

However, you had the longing to create your own child. Everything from the pregnancy, to giving birth, to raising that child from the moment they came out, until the moment they could care for themselves. You wanted that more than anything, but you’d be happy to adopt if you were infertile.

But sitting on the bathroom floor knowing that every effort you made — propping yourself upside down after sex, aforementioned IVF treatments, tracking your cycles, staying healthy, etc. — didn’t work, made your heart hurt.

You wondered if you were good enough for Steve, if you could really give him what he wanted. If he was genuinely happy with trying to have kids for years on end and being unsuccessful. You wondered if that was what he wanted, if he was still happy with you.

Your sobs filled the bathroom, making you glad Dustin wasn’t there.

Dustin was your younger brother, and currently, he was at the arcade. He knew about your struggle to have kids, and he usually tried to help, whether it was with the foods you ate, or getting you vitamins, making sure your mom didn’t keep her alcohol where you could get to it, etc.

You thought it was sweet how much he wanted a niece or nephew, always talking about babysitting them and allowing them into the party.

You always made sure he was gone when you took pregnancy tests. You loved him, but comfort wasn’t his strong suit. Sometimes it would work just because of the effort, but sometimes it would make you feel worse. So, you figured the easiest way to avoid that was to make sure he wasn’t there.

The rest of the party was also anticipating you getting pregnant. Max, Eleven, and Nancy all said they would help her with girl things like periods, dating, and other things boys didn’t understand.

And Mike, Lucas, Dustin, Will, and Jonathan all said they would indoctrinate him/her into their Dungeons and Dragons campaigns.

It made you cry the first time you found out how excited they were to have a new member of the family.

But you hated making them wait. Dustin and Robin were the only ones who knew how long you’d been trying, so the rest of them kept jokingly bugging you about them getting a new DnD member.

When Steve got home from work, he found you crying on the bathroom floor. He looked in the sink, seeing another negative test.

He sat on the toilet seat, placing his hands on your knees. He didn’t say anything, he let you talk at your own pace.

“Negative again,” you said, your voice stuffy.

He nodded. “I know.”

“What the hell is wrong with me?”

“Hey, look at me.”

You pulled your hands from your face, revealing your eyes bloodshot and puffy, your skin soaked in tears.

He stood up and held his hands out for you to take. You pulled yourself up and he cupped your face. He wiped your cheeks with his thumbs, before grabbing a dry cloth and cleaning your face completely.

“Come here,” he said, pulling you into a deep hug. You cried into his chest, leaving tear stains on his shirt. He gently pulled you to the bedroom a few seconds later. You sat against the headboard, resting your elbows on your knees. He sat across from you, only a few feet away.

He gripped your hands as you continued crying. It was silent for a few minutes before he continued the conversation.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Then why can’t I get pregnant?”

“You know that’s not your fault.”

“Is it enough for you? Am I enough for you?”

He furrowed his brows. “What are you talking about?”

“If I can’t give you a kid. If I can’t get pregnant, despite everything we’ve done, despite every effort we’ve made... will I be enough? Won’t you want more?”

“Don’t. Don’t even think like that. Don’t say that. Of course, you’ll still be enough for me.”

You softly shook your head. “I don’t believe that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you said that all you want in life is children. You want at least one son and one daughter. And you want to name one of them Dustin, and one of them Robin. And you’ve told me that you want to have a hundred grandkids so you can spoil all of them. And if I can’t give that to you-”

“Stop. Stop talking.” He gripped your hands tighter. “I don’t care. If you can’t give me that, that’s okay. More than anything, I want you. I want you, even if we don’t have a hundred grandkids.”

You felt more tears fall down your face, hitting your legs. He tilted your chin up to look at him.

“Why?” you asked.

“‘Why’ what?”

“Why wouldn’t you want someone who could give you that?”

“Because I don’t want just anybody. I want you. I’d live a thousand lifetimes without kids if it meant I got to be with you.”

“But you want a family.”

“Baby,” he chuckled. “We’re already a family. You and me, we are a family. We don’t need a child to be a family. Hell, we can adopt a dog or a cat if we wanted to. And that would still make us as much of a family as people with kids.”

“But we both want kids. I want kids. I want to be pregnant, I want to give birth, I want to hold the baby after they come out. I want to celebrate their first steps, their first words, their first birthday. I want to do that.” He didn’t say anything. “How am I supposed to please you if I can’t even get pregnant?” you mumbled.

He furrowed his brows. “What?”

“I mean, we’ve always been taught that in marriages, in order to be a good wife and please your husband, you should have kids.”

“Who the hell taught you that?”

You raised your eyebrows. “School, my family, everyone. I’ve grown up hearing that in order to be a good wife to my husband, I have to give him kids and that’s how we’re supposed to please you.”

He shook his head. “I’ve never been taught to only expect kids from my wife. They’ve been feeding you that bullshit?” You nodded. “For how long?”

“All my life.”

“I’ve grown up learning from my mom that, even if I don’t have kids with the person I marry, I should find someone that I can’t live without. That’s you.”

“Steve-”

“Y/N, you don’t have to bear a child to please me. I am so madly, deeply, stupidly in love with you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you. You hear me?” You didn’t reply. “Why do you think I proposed to you and married you?”

“You wanted to start a family, but not outside of marriage. Isn’t that why every guy gets married?”

“Nope. Not even close. I mean, that’s a factor, but do you know the real reason I married you?” You still didn’t answer. “I married you to be with you,” he said as he poked you lightly on the chest. “I married you so I could spend the rest of my life with you. Obviously, I do want a family, but, like I said, I’d go a million years without kids if it meant I got to be with you.”

You were only crying harder now. “Steve-”

“I am so fucking in love with you, Y/N. Do you want to know how long it took me to get that ring-” He pointed to your engagement ring on your finger, which was joined by your wedding band, “after we started dating?” You shook your head. “Three days.”

Your eyes got wide. “What?”

“Yep. Three days into our relationship, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You know why I didn’t propose sooner?” You shook your head again. “We weren’t eighteen. That was the only thing holding me back. I had to wait two years to propose to you because we had to wait until we were adults.”

You looked down at your ring. “They let you buy an engagement ring at sixteen?” you chuckled.

“I guess so. I got it, didn’t I?”

You smiled. “I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you, too.” You squeezed his hands.

“Tell you what. Why don’t we take a break from trying? I mean, we’re only twenty-three. We have time. I know it’s stressing you out. Your head always hurts and you’re always sick. Let’s just wait a little while.”

You nodded. “That would actually be really nice.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe we can have sex just to have sex, not to make a baby.”

“Absolutely.”

You looked at him and he gave you a small smile.

“I don’t deserve you,” you said, your voice cracking.

“I think I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you.”

You laughed softly. “And if we can’t have our own kids, we can adopt,” you said.

“Absolutely.”

“Take a kid or two out of the system.”

“Absolutely,” he repeated.

You got on your knees and hugged him, the two of you squeezing each other tightly.

“Did I mention that I love you?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure? Because I do.”

“I’m sure,” you giggled. “I love you, too.”

When you pulled away, he looked at you. “Don’t blame yourself, baby. Seriously. It’s not your fault.”

“I know.”

“Okay.”

You pulled him in for one last kiss before heading to the kitchen to start dinner.

—

You, Steve, Dustin, Mike, Lucas, Max, and Robin all sat in your dining room. For dinner, you made chicken burritos. The kids were all joking around and talking about the arcade when you decided to get their attention.

“So, me and Steve talked today,” you said, clearing your throat. They all looked at you. “I think... we’re gonna stop trying to have a kid for a little while.”

“What?” Lucas asked. “Why?”

“We’ve been trying for four years. I mean, we’ve done IVF-”

“What’s IVF?” Mike asked.

“In vitro. It’s artificial insemination.”

“We’ve done that about six times,” Steve said. “And it hasn’t worked.”

“Nothing we’ve done has worked. So, for now, we’re gonna take a break. I mean, it takes a toll on us.”

They nodded. “Okay. Whenever you get pregnant, that just means we can have someone else to play games with and invite to the arcade,” Lucas said. “Even if we’re older.”

Steve rested his hand on your thigh.

—

Laying in bed and being Steve’s little spoon as he slept caused you to start thinking again.

You didn’t realize it before, but you were more okay with waiting than you thought you would be. Sure, you’d be slightly older when you were pregnant — if you wound up pregnant at all — but you were fine with it.

Knowing that you were with someone like Steve, who didn’t care if you couldn’t have kids, was a relief. You knew you married the right person, and you knew your kids would be right about you two being soulmates.

[generouscoffeelove]

THE UNASSEMBLED WORDS

Things not always go your way they never even stay the same but you can make your mind to go with the flow u can make yourself to work within the things but sometimes it's hard to face the reality sometimes you are not ready to accept the situation, we all are never mature enough that we cant cry crying makes your mind healthy but overthinking only leads to depression and stress. People will say whatever will come in their mind but it's not always necessary to carefully listen to their opinions. 

When you are determined to achieve something and deep down you know that the path you chose is right for you then no one can divert our mind from those guts. People will depress you, they will tell you that u r wrong and their opinions are right bcz they can't see a person becoming more successful than they themselves. Nowadays no one is more sincere to you than your parents, not even your relatives.

Sometimes I think about the day when I will achieve my dreams but then what if I have no more plans to move on ? what if i get the person i love but what after that ? as i will be near to it i will forget the hurdles and all the things i lost on the path towards my goal. Man is greedy, his requirements can never be completed bcz he wants more & more. If u want to get to ur dreams u have to listen to yourself only u dont care about the people and even if u hurt them u have no problem but then comes the deceiving part where u think that following your dreams might separate your family from u this fear of losing someone really special in ur life makes ur way turn back. I think it's the law of life u cant live happily if the people around u r sad. A person like me sometimes thinks that leave everything and go get whatever u want but in the end u have to come back. U will never forget where u belong and thats how u feel the existence of love.

 The first love relations with you are of the same blood. But how can u fall for someone so badly ? How can you love someone out there in this world more than those people who raised you ? This love can be of two types. The love relation with Allah and secondly the other with one of his people. How weird it is to think that we pray to get someone else in our lives instead of praying to get Allah’s affection. To be honest, pray for it and you will get the things you love automatically even if you love someone so badly. First put this in your mind that excess of everything is bad. It's only Allah who will give u everything and will never upset u but the people around u can love u the most but can also give u the pain that u cant bear. 

Everything happens for good. Maybe someone in your past who deceived you was there by Allah’s choice to make you strong and to make you prepared that nobody is there with you forever. People will always stay in search to get ur weak points but staying close to Allah will hide all of those mistakes on ur side which u made unexpectedly or even if u knew u should pray to be forgave and he will forgive u try to pray from the core of your heart. Nothing is more peaceful than crying in sujood bcz that is the moment when u feel hopeless and u dont have words to describe the society around u that how u feel. I faced a lot of times when i was compared and i was insulted but all i used to do was to stay silent and secretly in the heart say “ Ya Allah u should answer them”. Sometimes its good to stay quiet bcz the silence makes the people go crazy. The silence is breaked automatically by Allah. He himself shows the people that u were wrong.

 Not always u have to stay silent but when u r being doubted for a wrong reason or the person saying is crossing the limits listen 3 times but the 4th time smack his face. Bcz they deserve it. From my perspective rules should be for everyone, and the strictness u faced should also be embossed on the coming kids. It's not right to scold or insult someone in the middle where everyone is sitting bcz it makes you stressed and this is the fact where suicidal thoughts start to enclave even a young mind. I dont why im even writing this but the point is that i really don't want anyone to interfere in our lives and not even to scold us bcz they dont live with us they don't face the things we are facing right now, they cant live a week with us but after all they are right and they will never like to meet a person with empty pockets. To every individual on this planet earth, money is everything and money can buy happiness even. People will embrace you till the day u have money but the day u fall a little they will not even ask that are u ok or do u need any help. 

Life will change so will the people but the real face of people can only be seen when you stand in a tough time and they turn their backs away from you. We lived a great past life, we went to restaurants, we ate mcdonalds and shopped etc. so what everybody does when they have money. People should really look into themselves and then say a word to other people. At the end i would like to share a small verse with huge meaning from Quran that:

 In surah alam nashra

            “Beshak har mushkil ke baad asani hai”

            “Indeed after every hard time there’s good time”

People will stay with you till you are useful to them. the day u fall in need of help, some will help u only those who were sincere to u maybe it can be those people whom u never even noticed or they were not even in priority but they stand with u, they come into your life as angels. Because you wanted them and they were to be in your life by the grace of Allah. 

As you grow up u learn through experiences u learn to stand after crawling but not at once u fall u cry and then u get up, u stand at ur own. As a kid, u are learning actually u are learning throughout your life; from people and mistakes. U are not living until u fail.

 U learn to live through love and failures. Love is the road which can give u the best memories to laugh and cry on, but the bumps can give u those bruises and wounds which will heal but the pain will last forever. The time is cruel after u lose someone u love, and even more when the loved one becomes part of your routine. U cannot live without food as well as love. It's easy to console the broken person but it's not possible to feel the pain as that person is feeling. During this time the emotions are at level best of depression and stress if u cant be nice to them then better stay away bcz they can even harm themselves.

Love is very important in life. If u love someone but can’t tell bcz of some fear.

The fear can be of being rejected or it can be the matter of pride. The matter of our reputation is very sensitive, especially for a girl. A small mistake can break the entire reputation which was made from long and hard work. But people will only bring up the flaws bcz they need a topic to talk on. More importantly,the thing that matters is peace with the reputation u hold, if u have reputation and money but u still feel alone u are not fine. 

The hardest part in life is to live without the person whom you cry for days and nights but you can't tell bcz u are afraid of losing the reputation u hold. It's not wrong but it's killing u deep inside. U keep smiling but its only breaking you. It's funny cuz u are ruining yourself. Less to be worried bcz u are being destroyed by love. The part that hits hard and it's all about fate. Being compared to a less experienced person is bad bcz u know that the person hasn't faced any of the circumstances as u did.

“A dream is a wish that your heart makes”

For loving someone you don't have to be perfect. U dont have to change yourself bcz u know that person will accept u no matter what. This is the belief that love brings into our soul. Love happens; it never asks you who I should be with. It's the beauty and the magic of eyes which makes u staring. A fact says that if a person misses you they appear in your dream and if you think about someone alot it means that person was thinking about you first. I believe a lot in these facts bcz they happen a lot. The real fun and peace in love is by burning in the fire of awareness. U keep waiting for the other person to make a move but what to do if the other person is waiting for u. 

Okay, I know I'm talking rubbish right now. It's currently 3:14 a.m. and I'm unable to sleep. I'm not in the mood to write in my diary so it's better to keep on writing to keep yourself busy. Life is not in the mood to study all i want to do is to explode up and cry i know why but tears seem to be dried and i no longer have emotions my mind just wants to fall into midnight in a deep conversation with myself or with a trustworthy my heart seems to beat for some reasons that keep giving me the same tensions which i want to remove. It feels like my soul is whirling like a storm. I don't know what to do to scream or to cry or to stay awake or sleep. Sometimes i just want to stay up and think about my future and the choices I'm making but i don't have leisure time. 

Hard times will not stay with you forever but at every point of ur life they will make u realize that don't forget where u belong and what u survived in ur past. U can never forget your past bcz ur weakness makes u strong. It's better not to expect alot from people. They can bring u disappointment only or a bit of what u were expecting. U cant eat when ur hands are tied u have to make a move to eat and feed your hunger nobody else is going to do this for you.

 Be independent. It's an easy sentence with two words to say but it requires all of your life to be courageous enough to face the coming hurdles. U are going to face many challenges .

“if ur life got harder congratulations !! u just leveled up”.

 Smile even if there are 1000 reasons not too but this time during these days it seems to me as if I'm the shining star alone in the sky where clouds are trying to dull my spark but i keep shining the clouds hide me but then i come back. The mechanism of nature also teaches you many lessons of life. If you think deeply, the sun teaches you that after every dusk there is dawn. The sky can't show the glitter of stars without night. The moon tells you it's good to go through phases. The black clouds teach u that when u are loaded after going through many stages its ok to let everything pour out through tears. The average rain can bring happiness to the beings on earth they will feel calm but if it rains more than normal it destroys the belongings of human.Similarly, if we cry normally it freshens our mind but the excess of it leads to depression and damage of internal conditions and peace.

“Excess of everything is bad”

I don't know when girls felt peaceful in their lives, enjoyed and cherished the most beautiful moments of their lives. All the time they have to worry about something even if it's health,dressing,family,friends or some sort of harassment. She cant feel free to live. Talking to a male about life and studies is a crime and is considered something related to flirting and to be feel ashamed on. Something for which the parents can't speak on if they want to. The people thinking in this way for someone's daughter should think that in future they will also have daughters and what if this will happen to them. If today you consider someone else your daughter or sister honestly u have a peaceful and beautiful future.

But if u see girls as some material to be used and thrown u were born to be wrong then even if u say urself muslim or human look at ur habits and inner person it is more worse than animal. You have to change yourself first to change the people around you.

[1-800-i-ship-it]

do you think bam or khun would be a better bf to their SO

Well well well anon you really making me compare this perfect ship with each other huh

Jk haha it’s just a tough q for me

(Also I apologize for taking so long to reply ahh)

As always, disclaimer: this is based on my own opinion so you are free to disagree or agree :)

I don’t think either bam or khun would be a better bf to their SO, I think they both have their strengths and weaknesses, like most couples will have.

Think I already mentioned what I think their love languages are already in another post but in case u forgot, I think Bam is quality time (main), words of affirmation and acts of service and khun as acts of service (main), combined with quality time and words of affirmation (yup i thought they’d both have similar things...i’ll explain myself)

Let’s go over them, shall we? (you can skip the love language part and jump to the line for the answer if you’ve already read it in my prev ask post/not interested)

Bam: Quality time because he really values the moments he spent with the friends he made in the tower and he appreciates each and every one of them (well, fuck rachel) but anyway, in my head bam just seems like the kind of person who would love quality time with the people he cares about <3 he’s said countless times how he would rather die than lose those that he cares about, and always rushes to protect everyone, so i think quality time would be his top one, and so as bam’s partner (ahem khun) just spending time with bam would make him happy :) and as for words of affirmation, I feel like bam would appreciate them a lot coming from those he loves (like khun!) if khun was like “I appreciate you” I bet bam would feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then say smth super cheesy back which would get khun to blush lmao; and finally acts of service cause bam kinda shows how he cares through saving everyone (like all the time) and yea Ifeel like he’d appreciate small things his partner does for him

Khun: I would guess that it would be acts of service, combined with quality time and words of affirmation, though I'm a bit iffy on words of affirmation because he does come from a family where he was forced to fight against other kids from his family where manipulation and deceit was probably very present. but I think he would really treasure real, genuine words of affirmation and would secretly like pet names even though he pretends to hate them (ahem only bam can call him those hehe). I think acts of service would still be the most prevalent, because that’s the main way that khun has shown his love/loyalty to bam, through actions that benefit bam etc… so I believe he would appreciate acts of service as well. I also think he would be the type of person to value actions more than words. For quality time, I think he’d enjoy having the attention of his SO and would just appreciate being able to spend time with them, small things like that.

______________________________________________

I wrote this with modern-day implications

Bam:

Strengths: 

always has good intentions

super sweet

learns very quickly what his partner likes/dislikes

loyal to the end

extremely good at cooking

thoughtful but often forgets mundane things sometimes

always makes time for his partner and really values being able to spend time with them

very empathetic

somehow always knows what to do to make his partner happy

has an irresistible radiant smile

often showers his partner with a multitude of compliments

will not hesitate to remind his partner he loves them

appreciates his partner a lot and makes sure they know it

is a very good cuddler

will do anything for his partner

Weaknesses: 

kinda oblivious abt like the most obvious things ngl

loyal to a fault sometimes

can seem clingy but he’s just afraid to lose his partner (one of his biggest  fears is being alone)

might accidentally get his partner jealous bc he’s super nice to everyone

might overburden himself with everyone’s expectations and seem withdrawn and might have some trouble communicating with his partner

cares too much about others and too less about himself, so may frustrate partner by agreeing readily to things instead of expressing his own opinion

has trouble saying no to things he doesn’t want to do when people ask him for favors–leading to decreased quality time with his partner

has a lot of internal conflicts that may hinder his ability to be present with his partner

Khun:

Strengths: 

very thoughtful, super thoughtful, did I mention thoughtful

pretty mature for the most part

has very good life skills and knows how to survive, aka always knows what’s going on and is typically “the responsible” one

does taxes well, manages finances very well

shows his love through actions, whether its getting his partner a little something on the way home, or making sure his partner has the lights turned on when working, or creating an elaborate plan to allow his partner to succeed without burdening his partner

extremely loyal to the right partner

makes excellent coffee

very organized and tidy

knows what he wants and has a lot of ambitions and thus plans for the future well ahead of time with his partner

is always prepared for the worst scenario, has a lot of savings for him and his partner

takes no BS and will not be afraid to provide his partner with honest advice even if it hurts

will do anything for his partner

Weaknesses: 

won’t admit he’s thoughtful/a tsundere (could go in both categories)

kind of uptight sometimes

does not have much patience

always wanting to be in control of a situation may not let him fully be present with his partner at times

not very good at articulating his thoughts/feelings

overthinks a lot and worries too much which may lead to him acting cold to his partner

a workaholic that is not very good at taking care of his health

often pushes his feelings deep down instead of dealing with them properly

doesn’t think he deserves his partner and is really insecure but hides it very well

sometimes too caught up in his own head worrying about the future to be present and there for his partner

puts aside his well being for his partner too much

They both have their own strengths  and weaknesses, but they work through it together with their respective partners who are obviously each other and are a power couple :D (ahem light bearer and wave controller power couple amirite)

Hope that answered your q anon!

Also @cannottranslate here’s the thing I was working on I hope it met ur expectations :’)

[cowboyjen68]

cant be bothered to say nothing about current events bro? ur always so politically vocal and youve been REAL QUIEY lately. dont think nobody noticed

 I have been busy privately.. talking to friends of color.. seeing what they need from me as a white person. I don’t have the ability to protest. I can’t risk injury, jail, or covid because I am Lori’s only parent and the sole provider.  

Going on to Tumblr or Facebook and virtue signalling or giving my opinion or talking about any donations I made to local groups that provide resources to people of color. blah blah... as white person.. seems empty and like I am giving myself a big old pat on the back.. Yay me.. 

I have also had some discussions with the non profits boards I am on and how we can best support either the demonstrations or individuals in our community who might be not dealing well with feeling safe. How to best put something on our social media to show support, encourage engagement and even how to be safe if demonstrating. 

ON my personal page I posted this

“Local Friends/Family Planning on Going to the Protests: PLEASE READ THIS!!! 1. Please put a couple of numbers of people NOT going in Sharpie on your skin; if something happens (arrested, hurt) you may not have access to your phone. You are welcome to use my number. I/we will help you, i/We will pick you up, etc. 2. Have a person, again NOT going, as a check in. This is a person you will contact by X time when you are home safely. Talk to this person ahead of time w/where you are going, with whom, & emergency contacts in case you can't call.

.3. Password protect your phone (not touch/face recognition) 4. Go with a buddy. Designate a meeting place ahead of time in case you are separated. 5. Bring water, wear comfortable shoes, wear your face masks, put your hair up. Bring your id. Keep anything important in pockets, not in bags (supplies only in bags, not keys, not id, not money, not your phone, etc) 6. Only take with you items you are a) willing to not get back right away, if ever, and b) can not be seen as any kind of "weapon" 7. Exercise your right to remain silent, ALWAYS. If you're detained but not arrested ask, repeatably: Am I being arrested? Am I free to go? 8. If pepper spray is used DO NOT use water! Water will make it spread. Do not wear contact lens. 9. Document any police misconduct you see; if taking video state the date, time and your location. 10. Stay with the group as much as possible; beware of snatch squads detaining outliers. If you'd like more tips, there are a lot of resources out there, and I am happy to share some more with you or just talk about it; call or text me”.

My ex Jen wrote it and I shared with permission. I also added to make arrangements for pets home alone and weigh your physical and mental abilities before you rush to action. 

Some of us do great on the front line. Others..do better in support or background roles. 

SOO anon.. just because you don’t follow me on all social media do not think me quiet or not engaged. I was organizing protests likely before you were born. BLM and what is going on it not about my opinions. 

I have a lot of younger followers AND everyone of them needs to decide for themselves if they can demonstrate and how they should conduct themselves. Do you want me to say “I hate all cops”  because I won’t. But I hate the way the institution has become a power imbalance where just getting pulled over means you are not sure if the officer will be human or treat you like you are less than him. I don’t like that families have to pay money to write a letter or email or speak to a loved on in jail. I hate that many prisons are a profit centers. I hate that overwhelmingly young black teens are jailed for minor pot charges while their white counterparts rarely spend a night in custody. 

I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like every time you walk from your house as a person of color and know that you are judged (and negatively) for the color of skin you were born with. NO matter how hard I try I just can’t and when I do try and get anywhere it is over whelming. 

I know lots of people, including maybe you, think I have answers and can share wisdom that can help people make decisions. This movement and the demonstrations are a long time coming. Just like any human can be, I am overwhelmed and saddened. I am unsure how to proceed, what to do exactly so I do what I can. Today I read the BLM website to see what they suggest. I am weighing my need to pay my bills and donate. Weighing  the need and desire  for me to be a good ally to POC and at the same time not make it about me or toot my own horn. And I have no answers. The entire law enforcement machine needs to be shaken empty and rebuilt with a coalition of citizens. I am afraid it won’t. And I hate that too.   

I guess I should be flattered that you “don’t think no one noticed” clearly you did. And I appreciate that you value my opinion and thoughts so much that you reached out to find out why I haven’t spoken. The fact is, I have not been sure what to say. I have been hesitant to speak on actions or opinions that might not follow the wishes of the black leaders of this movement. 

If you are asking if I am a racist.. yeah....probably to some extent. I am not immune to false stereo types or judgement calls based on skin color. The difference is I am self aware enough to call myself out when I do that and think over my internal voice. I used to be one of those A holes that said I was “color blind” until i went to college away from my home town. That is a story for another blog entry. 

[kyunsies]

hello hello mädchen <3 i hope you're doing good today and it is lovely where you are

i am slowly feeling better thank you - i'm still have trouble with sleep but i hope that it gets better soon. 😢😢😢 your words. you are super amazing too and so kind. i feel we have very similar tendencies too and it's a really good thing sometimes but can also be a not so good thing. idk if you've tried this but i'm trying to try less hard? not that like i don't want to work hard but it feels like sometimes i cross that line where it's too much and it actually makes it worse? like to let go enough to be able to appreciate my work as opposed to try and kill myself over it? idk i don't know if it will work but i want to try? i've just moved to a new agent/rep that will hopefully be better for my mental health just cause they seem nicer and will stress me out less.

your job sounds really thorough though. do you enjoy it? i 100% agree with you though! i like to buy good quality clothes too, but that's probably because i really don't buy loads either so each piece feels like an investment? what did you get? is it warm where you are? or have you been investing in more wintry stuff? i so so rarely get multiple versions of albums! i always really to but then i wonder if i;m going overboard and if i end up looking at the photobooks? i got the comma and xiesta photobooks last year and now i'm not sure if i wanna sell them on to a monbebe that will appreciate them more? hmm just me overthinking probably? leather platform shoes sound AMAZING. hahah i do the same though if i know i want to spend some money so i usually wait for the following month sometimes even though i know i'm gonna get the thing anyway? haha.

i'm back to heaven as my fave now!! i'm so so so looking forward to mx eng2 but i agree with you. like these careers are so so so short i'm sure they're aware of this and just want to live their career to their full.

ahhhhh 😢😢😢i love you lots and honestly i was so scared my last year of uni too. i don't think older generations get how much harder it is for people our age when we leave uni and stuff to just start a live that is nice and happy and fulfilling. so you're not alone and honestly even now i feel the same way just after i left uni. BUT you know you have the ability and that means you'll always be able to find a way. i was gonna buy five versions of an album today so i am deffo not the most responsible haha XD but thank you and also know that being insecure means that you're human and not an asshole because honestly all the people that were so overconfident that i've ever known (and i don't mean like - putting it on to help them get through stuff or performing but legit thought they were all that) have all been assholes. so it means you have a good heart and you will always find a way. i don't deserve being looked up to honestly but i'm honored you think i am <3 i'll always keep working hard - i wish i could give you a hug in person and let you know that things will be okay! please always feel ok to tell me your troubles and anything as well. am always here for anything you need too <3

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxx 🦢

babe i am finallyyyyyyyyyy answering this now ;___; i'm so sorry i kept u waiting but i wanted to answer this with all of my attention and not when i was busy bc that wouldn't have been fair to u :( so i hope u have been well and thank u so much for being patient !!! also u used my full name ........ what if i loved u with my whole heart <3

have u finally been able to get the rest you need ? i know work can keep our anxieties on high alert, which makes us even more inclined to burn out :( i hope u are able to rest well soon and not worry too much about work in the future ;____; but like i always say i'm really proud of u for pushing thru anything bubbie like u could easily just give up or have a mental block but if there's one thing i know both of us pride ourselves in it's always finding a way to handle stress no matter what the cost it does to our mental heath etc ....... which could be a bad thing but also there's lots to be said about how our work ethic is right ?? also LDSKFJS not trying hard .......... i think u mean like not stressing myself over every little thing right? there's a saying "don't cry over spilled milk" like CHILL it's okay it's just a mistake just clean it up and move on :') i really wish i can learn this mentality in the future ...... i just don't have those types of ppl around me in nursing school bc all of us are always on edge so i think i'm missing ppl like that in my life (besides my family but to an extent they can be classified as type A personalities too skjflfj) but anyways; u said u moved onto a new agency?? i hope that works well for u and they are able to allow u to grow and create things freely <3 good luck !!!

my job is just okay !! i won't be doing this in the future but it's nice to know that for a fact i don't think i could work in an office setting like this for the rest of my life HHH but it's okay, i don't mind organizing things for other ppl esp if it will help the company in the long run !!! and about my clothes SLKDFJ i totally agree !!! like we said we don't like our bank account hitting below a certain number so everything i buy is like an "investment" like u said hehe so most of the things i buy for example jeans are over $70 for me but i know i'll probably go a whole year not buying another pair and wearing those most likely everyday lol u know ? it's very warm where i am (most days lol) so i've been buying some light weight clothing !!! i don't like wearing jean shorts or anything like that, my fav material to wear in the summer is linen and cotton so i've been buying a lot of flowy linen pants <3 i got a pair from the store madewell, and bc i was on holiday this week i went to this one swimsuit store called everything but water and they sell pricier swimwear but i get so fed up trying to go to cheaper stores to look for swim tops bc i have bigger boobs hhhh and nothing makes me feel comfortable in my own skin so i don't mind spending money on something i feel comfortable in !! anyways i bought a bathing suit from there and then i think that's it ?? i was going to buy some jo malone perfume but it's so expensive so i didn't ;____;

U ARE BACK ON THE HEAVEN TRAIN WOO HOO <3 lol it is such a good song ....... i told u it's in my top 3 comfort songs <3 and about the eng album !!! yes i totally agree, i think they're aware of how much they're doing and honestly i think they should take advantage at every opportunity that comes their way as long as they feel that have control of the situation :)

and ALL OF THIS LAST MESSAGE MADE ME CRY WHEN I READ THIS :((( i tell my mom about all my anons lololol and she knows about u and ur work and i read this last part to her and she thought it was so sweet of u to say ;_____; it's kinda comforting knowing i am not the only one who has these doubts about the last year of uni :( i don't get much feedback from my family (besides my mom and grandparents) about if they're proud of me or not , i don't think they really get how hard it is for me being a nursing student but i just want to do well at whatever i do :( i want to be able to look at myself and go "hey u know what ur doing and ur doing really well".... i just hope i get there someday ;____; i have so many anxieties and maybe i need to talk to someone about them bc i think they hinder my nursing performance rather than help me but just knowing someone like u cares out there ........ i mean u know me but we have never met and u are so sure about my abilities and i can't tell u how thankful i am for someone like u <3 truly brings tears to me eyes <3 i want to give u a hug too :( thank u for ur kind words always i could cry right now ;_____;

[asrasotherbottom]

MORE FAT! MC WITH JULIAN AND LUCIO I NEED IT NEED IT NEED IT -🕸👑

hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah!!! (also because my brain juice is running out, anyone else who wants fat!MC stuff please..give me a situation or scenario)

(Links to my original fat mc + julian/asra/muriel post, fat mc+lucio, fat mc + morga)

ur gonna get some wholesome + some spice!( @idrinkluciostears @bazzpop if ur interested >>)

Fat!MC x Julian

Julian is absolutely shameless (as he should be) about how much he loves their body and is not in any way shy about touching /any/ part of it

Extremely considerate in public spaces about MC’s ability to like move about the space (won’t try to squeeze through a tight spot and expect MC to follow, won’t try to walk on something thats clearly barely holding together, etc)

Does EVERYTHING he can to make MC feel not-self-conscious in public (will eat with them in public so that they’re not eating alone in public, makes sure theres a table at the raven so MC doesnt have to get into a booth that might be too tight, is generally loud and just so Himself that it draws attention away from MC if they’re feelin not great) 

But if MC is feeling okay about it he is all about romantically feeding them honestly. 

(Will Never let MC go without eating bc they’re having bad body feelings)

Constantly holding their hand and wrapping his arms around them in public, he’s theirs and he wants everyone to know it. 

MC is the heat source and Julian is the heat sink

Long arms are good for wrapping all the away around MC’s waist and cuddling them close. 

He’s hardier than he looks, and he likes to remind MC of that right before pulling them onto his lap while he’s relaxing. 

Cuddling into them and how soft they are feels like home to him. 

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, there is no part of MC’s body that he will not try to warm his hands under. Find MC snorting in surprise when Julian walks up behind them and sticks his shockingly cold hands under a roll of fat on their side.

Julian LOVES wearing MC’s clothes around the house. He’s swimming in them even with his height and it makes him smile tbh.

definitely to @myself here but Julian seeing MC in his clothes that are really tight on them? that gets him going Real Fast.

When they’re naked? Cockwarming too. Between fat thighs or under their belly or anywhere else he can think of. 

He Actively Wants to be pinned by their bodyweight honestly, under their belly or thighs until he’s tapping their thighs for an air break? or just having them hold his hands down on the bed? 

Bellies are For Biting - Julian Devorak

He will grab any part of their body that they let him because he loves It All and he will NOT let them forget it for a single second. 

Fat!MC x Lucio

If anyone in Vesuvia has ever harbored a single negative thought about a fat person in their lives? They should be Distinctly Afraid now. 

Lucio is Vocal and Loud and Proud about being with MC.

He gets portraits commissioned of them or the two of them and he will be Damned if the artist tries to make MC look skinnier than they are for the “sake of the aesthetic” or “to make them look better” 

Lucio is very good about making sure the spaces that he takes MC to are fat friendly BUT hes very loud about it, so even if MC is anxious or feels like he shouldn’t be making a big deal about it, they just gotta realize hes GOING to make a big deal about it because he Loves them. 

Honestly Lucio is great if MC has ever been told they need to make themselves Smaller or Less Than in order to exist as a fat person in the world because he is all about being Big and Loud and getting his way and he will absolutely without judgement accommodate MC in whatever way they need. 

Lucio is honestly the best hype man for a fat MC, he is very vocal about telling MC all the things about them that he likes, from things that they do to parts of their body, etc etc. 

He LOVES seeing MC in clothes he gets made for them and they are Never loose or baggy or liable to hide anything, he loves seeing their body for everything that it is, clothes or no clothes. 

Speaking of no clothes, he will spend hours with them in the bath if he’s able to. 

Hes STRONG and he does not let them forget it, honestly no matter how fat MC is, he can lift them up at least enough to spin them around just to watch their face light up. 

Lucio loves that MC is everything that he’s really striven for, like, they are Soft and Warm, and they truly Love him and he’s reminded of all of that every time he buries his face into them. 

Lucio loves cuddling MC, wrapping his arm around them and just squishing their stomach and nuzzling his face into their neck. 

I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, Lucio wearing MC’s clothing around the palace shamelessly even though their shirt probably comes down to his knees is just a Regular Occurrence

He encourages MC to be on top because he knows he can handle it and he knows that he Likes it and he wants MC to not feel self conscious. 

He’s also very handsy with MC, grabbing any and every part of their body that they’ll let him

LOVES their thighs and loves intercurual sex (between their thighs)  with them because fat thighs just feel So Good. 

Listen- LISTEN Lucio is gonna wanna shove his face between their legs and everything around his face is gonna be So Soft and Warm and its almost gonna be better than the sex itself. 

Since its basically canon that Lucio has a giant mirror above his bed, Lucio would get distracted during sex watching MC’s body moving and be absolutely hypnotized by it honestly

Lucio has very high standards and would only be with people he considers the pinnacle of hotness, and that includes MC and the fact that they’re fat, so they should jot that down. 

[silverjirachi]

Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?

Hi there!  I considered not answering this because I don’t want to fan flames or stir discourse because I don’t want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences.  But honestly your ask isn’t worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so I’m going to answer it. But I probably won’t answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes.  If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it.  Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone.  I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and I’m writing this in case there’s a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.

With that disclaimer aside...,

Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman.  I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity.  But it’s the same as any other identity.  How do you know you are a woman?  Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with?  Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever?  Did it come to you through your body?  I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but can’t really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries.  And I know people who 100% DON’T identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why.  It doesn’t even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity.  A lot of our language just doesn’t have the words to describe such an internal experience.

It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth.  From what I can tell, that’s what a lot of this really relies on.  I don’t think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience.  I’m sure they’re out there.  But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our “femaleness-” our ASSIGNED femaleness.  (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- it’s true, I was socialized as a female bc that’s what my body “looked” like and that’s just what our society assumes).  But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories.  That’s at the core of intersectionality.  Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways.  People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.

I also have body dysphoria, and it’s true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life).  But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities.  Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and woman’s experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and it’s also quite limiting with the way our society is changing.  This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth.  This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.

I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it.  I think that’s why feminism and gender studies get lumped together.  A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism.  I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but we’ve shifted in understanding and context since then.

And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman.  I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic.  (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around).  And isn’t inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say that’s the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical.  But over time, I just started to change.  Nothing traumatic happened, I’ve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, it’s not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed.  Just my own internal view of myself.

I also got the words for gender euphoria.  And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt.  While it’s true gender roles shouldn’t exist, just like any other role or label, it’s different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them.  As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it.  It’s fucked up in the first place, don’t get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didn’t.  But some people who didn’t still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf.  I had “woman” thrust upon me, didn’t identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a “woman” without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISN’T), still didn’t feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman.  What does happen to me, however?  I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy.  That makes me feel like I’m being really seen.  I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and that’s why it feels so fucking good.  I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell.  Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I don’t have to justify that to anyone.

So TL;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I won’t deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried.  I’ve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I don’t think it’s denying history if we’re building from it, gender roles are fucked up.  I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but that’s why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience you’re talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks.  In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then we’ll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.

TL;DR;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that i’m mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it won’t change the fact that I’m a boy-something and it won’t change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to.  This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.

Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please don’t clown in these notes if it spreads.  I’m tired enough about this as it is today.  I’m tired enough about fucking gender as it is.  We’re all fucking tired.  What I’ve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.