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orbmanson7 · 1 year

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Will Logan Ever Be Happy?

An Extensive Analysis of Logan Sanders' Spotify Playlist and Predictions for the Future of His Character Arc

Logan's Playlist on Spotify

Logan's Playlist on YouTube Music

A few quick notes before we delve in…

This is an extensive analysis in the sense that it's currently around 16,930 words long. Please feel free to read it at your own leisure.

The description of Logan's Playlist on Spotify explicitly states to listen to these songs in order of their listing. This indicates a progression of sorts – of feelings, events, and the plot of the story being told here. It is important that we listen in order, and it seems like Logan would prefer us to listen this way to best understand what it is he is trying to convey.

The repeated themes found throughout many of these songs include: isolation, depression, regret, nostalgia, perfectionism, miscommunication, being the odd one out of a group, recognition of flaws, loss of control, being disliked, a love and familiarity for learning, and finding solutions to problems.

It should also be noted that a handful of these songs are told in second-person perspective, using “you” to indicate a main subject, as though the story is being told by the speaker about someone else’s actions to that someone else, rather than explaining anything outright about themself or how they feel about it. By doing this, the speaker is instead choosing to focus on others and only allowing the listener to sense and interpret how the speaker was affected by what the other party in the song had said or done. This by itself can easily indicate Logan’s insistence to let others take that stage, even when it’s his turn to tell his story, or to show off the faults of others in lieu of focusing on his own failings.

It may be important to remember that as we continue.

The Elements by Tom Lehrer is a simple starter song, as we know. Logan began as a friendly teacher character, someone to help guide Thomas through learning and encouraging curiosity and wonder within him. He helped Thomas to find solutions to problems with the most useful answers, and implored him to keep trying, keep researching, until he truly understood a topic. This was something good, something commendable.

In particular, this song involves a listing of the complete periodic table of elements, something that Logan, as Thomas’ Logic, likely would have to have known very well, considering the focus of Thomas’ major in college. This would have been information Logan used frequently in Thomas’ studies and schoolwork prior to the events of the series, which helps to signify this early interpretation of Logan’s character.

This is the early beginnings. It’s a solid starting point, telling us what we need to know about Thomas’ perception of who he believes Logan is meant to be.

Immediately after, we have White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic, which, similar to the first song, is meant to give us a sense of Logan’s character. Thomas sees him as a helpful teacher, but he also sees him as a very nerdy, reserved, uptight, and pretentious kind of person who likes learning trivia and reading mystery novels and watching sci-fi shows and doing puzzles and making wordplay jokes. This fleshes Logan out more as a character, not just showing us who Thomas sees but giving us more perspective on what to expect from him.

[lyrics:

I wanna roll with the gangsters

But so far, they all think I’m too white and nerdy]

Early on in the series, the sides only appeared momentarily to help offer suggestions and advice to Thomas relevant to what he needed. There seemed to be less cohesion with the group, mainly due to a lack of narrative at the time, but the sides still appeared to work together so long as each stayed in their respective areas of expertise. Despite that, lyrics in this song seem to imply Logan had already seen himself as an outlier to the rest of Thomas’ sides. He recognized that this came at fault of the interpretation of his character, the personality he displayed, his mannerisms, even his interests.

From the very start, Logan was being viewed as something different and distinct in comparison to the other sides.

These first two songs are meant to be reminiscent of not only our first impressions of Logan’s character, but also of Thomas’ overall impression of him early on in the series.

Within the first few episodes, this is how Logan was interpreted and seen, as a nerdy but supportive teacher-like character. Based on Thomas’ vine character of the same attire, Logan was originally meant to be respected but relatable, someone who could understand the kids he was teaching, but was also full of incredibly useful knowledge and knew exactly how to convey that information in a way that would encourage and enlighten those around him.

As one of Thomas’ sides, however, he was minimized to only being Thomas’ Logic, someone who still had an incredible wealth of knowledge and used it to teach and guide Thomas specifically, but he was also someone who was meant to be more stereotypically “nerdy” by Thomas’ standards. He was still able to act as an instructor to Thomas and to the audience watching, but his status of authority was diminished, because now he was no longer a teacher, he was merely another part of Thomas.

This is where Algorhthym by Childish Gambino comes into play. This song indicates a recognition of the world and how it functions, but also a fear to do anything about it, to step out of line. This lends to Logan’s perfectionism, yes, but it also shows that Logan is highly aware of his position as Thomas’ Logic, and what is expected of him. He knows very well that he does not perfectly fit the mold that Thomas has made for him to fill.

Early in the song, there are mentions of misunderstanding directions and testing the waters in objectionable ways.

[lyrics:

Made us the guinea pig and did it with no permission

Told her to call a friend, didn’t tell her to listen

So very scary, so binary, zero or one

Like code is like coal mine canary]

Being put in a position without a choice in the matter, Logan is very aware that he has a big role to fulfill. He’s being depended on to do his job right. But there has, at no point, been any guidance for him to follow. It’s not as though there’s a training manual out there on how to be Thomas Sanders’ Logic, which means Logan can only attempt to figure it out as he goes along.

Now, this is no different from the other sides, as they all lack any kind of instruction on how to do their jobs, either. They all just have to make mistakes and learn from them to improve and get better with time. And, typically, this should be a good thing, but in Logan’s particular case, his job requires him to be relied upon as the one with the answers and solutions, so if he’s seen as someone who makes mistakes, that ruins his ability to be trusted to give those answers in the first place.

Making mistakes would contradict his purpose as Thomas’ Logic, but if he didn’t make mistakes, he couldn’t learn from them and get better like the rest of them. However, it’s inevitable that he will make mistakes because he has no idea how to do this job because he didn’t have any training involved before he started. But if he makes mistakes, he could lose that job, or the job itself could become misconstrued or defunct due to his failures. It’s an unpleasant and repeated cycle with no clear end.

Logan aims for perfection, knowing the risk of failure is so high and comes with such consequence, but he still has hope that something might work out. He also doesn’t seem to have much of a choice otherwise.

But he's already beginning to loop back around in circles over this, even so early on into the series, and this leads him to questioning why the world works this way. Just why does it contradict itself so much?

[lyrics:

I dream in color, not black and white]

He already realizes that he is seeing everything in a different way than Thomas and the other sides do. The world is so much bigger than the arbitrary parameters that are being set for it. Understanding and learning may need rigid guidelines to teach a beginner, to not overwhelm them, but once you know the basics, you can take those training wheels off and start exploring just about anywhere. If you want to try more adventurous feats, you’ll need better gear, more specified knowledge, but it’s not as though you are barred from entry. There is always more to learn, you simply have to go looking for it.

But the world somehow seems to think that’s not the case. Many believe that you either know something or you don’t, or that things can only be either one way or another, with no nuance involved. Instead of understanding all the shades of gray and color in between every moment, every idea, that there’s fluidity and the ability to shift and change at almost every turn, they choose to rely on what they’ve already learned and refuse to challenge it, even when the opportunity arises to do so. The world has so much more to offer than the black-and-white to which people often cling.

There’s so much space in between every atom, infinite amounts of empty air, that which we can barely comprehend, yet we see an object, a person, or any full form as completely solid, contradicting what we expect. We may say a penguin cannot fly, and yet you could put one as a passenger on an airplane and that could be considered flying. It has just done what was thought impossible. It is all about our perspective and the rules we set in place for our world that limits what we believe we know and understand, but that doesn’t mean that’s how the world actually works.

Unfortunately, changing someone’s mind can be very difficult, especially when you’re the one who contributed to them learning those basics to help them conceptualize the topic in the first place. It can be very hard to teach someone that knowledge is genuinely limitless, especially when they have found less use for it as time goes on and no longer have a desire to keep learning.

The song then indicates that the way a human behaves doesn’t always make logical sense, but that they value their life and experiences.

[lyrics:

Humans don’t understand, humans will sell a lie

Humans gotta survive, we know we gon’ die

Nothing can live forever, you know we gon’ try

Life, is it really worth it? The algorhythm is perfect, mmh]

Logan can comprehend this notion, even if he doesn’t quite understand and see the world in the same way as Thomas does; even if he believes some of his actions are illogical, he knows Thomas’ ability to live his life to the fullest is something memorable. He can recognize its importance overall, even if he doesn’t fully agree with how it’s done.

Logan likely comes to realize by this point, even so early on, that compromise is the best option here, just as we saw in the episode The Mind vs The Heart. Even if he doesn’t see things in the same way as others, he can still meet someone halfway, and hope that they can meet him halfway in return.

However, nothing is ever that easy, it seems. Just because he’s willing to step back and take another’s perspective into account does not mean others will do the same for him.

This more or less encapsulates the rest of the song from his perspective. He learns to stop challenging that which doesn’t want to be challenged, attempts to follow what is expected of him, even if what is expected of him is a perfection that he is unsure can even be achieved. He has to compromise some of these details and nuances so that the world can still run on its bizarre rules, for Thomas’ sake, and this results in him having to step away from his goals to make way for the others’ instead, or even to be pushed away when his insistence to the contrary isn’t appreciated, like we saw in the episode Moving On Pt 1: Exploring Nostalgia.

He learned fairly well that day that sometimes emotions took priority over intelligence, and even if Logan didn’t fully comprehend the purpose they served in solving that dilemma, he was attempting to find a proper answer that would be of benefit to Thomas regardless. But what he learned instead was that his efforts were unwanted simply because he was viewing the situation from a very different perspective than the others were.

As such, he began to learn not to question these parameters that the world operates upon. He needs to do what he can Within those parameters to ensure Thomas’ survival and simply hope that he’ll thrive with knowledge (and Logan) as his guide.

And that is exactly why the next song is Fitter Happier by Radiohead. The whole song is a monotonous text-to-speech vocalization of varying guidelines one may expect for someone to appear as and/or be human. As the list goes on, the more inhuman the stipulations become, betraying the real purpose behind the list, that this is someone attempting to appear perfectly human while misunderstanding what that means entirely.

Again, Logan was never given a guide on how to do his job, so he had to just make it up as he went along and attempt to do it perfectly without any help or reassurance. From Logan’s perspective, he knows his goal is to make sure Thomas survives to live his happy life, but his expertise in helping Thomas achieve this relies on knowledge and facts, not emotions or empathy. This results in Logan’s attempts coming off as unempathetic, cold, and strict, not to mention completely missing the point of living.

But because he is doing this solo, and because he has awareness of the consequences of failure, he is aiming for perfection and doing his best with what resources he does have – which happens to be his own intelligence and what he can learn through research. Unfortunately, when it comes to life and living, Logan’s limited only to the facts, and his primary focus is Thomas’ survival, nothing more.

[lyrics:

Not drinking too much

Regular exercise at the gym, three days a week

Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries

At ease

Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats

A patient, better driver]

This is why some of the lyrics list guidelines such as “regular exercise at the gym” or “eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats.” These are the types of recommendations you would hear from a doctor or nutritionist, examples of efforts that may result in longer life. If someone only cared about extending their life or living healthily, these would be excellent suggestions. But when they are devoid of any emotion, removed from relationships with family and friends, absent of aspirations and goals for someone to enjoy said life, the suggestions instead become robotic and inhuman. Yes, you can live longer by following these steps, but you may not enjoy the extra time you are given to do so if you only follow these suggestions and nothing more.

This is something that was discussed during the Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? episode, where Logan asserts that creating a balance of daily tasks to maintain his wellbeing will allow Thomas to live a long life. Roman argues that if Thomas spends all his time taking care of himself, it doesn’t give him enough time to pursue his dreams and he insists that he must instead take risks and give priority to his aspirations. In the end, Thomas found his motivation in a balance of both of these recommendations, that he should maintain his health while also taking the chance to achieve his goals.

While a human genuinely needs that balance, to have both sides of this argument included to find true motivation to keep going, these individual sides within Thomas are always likely to see their own mindset and opinion on the matter as the priority, as the “right” way to do things. This is exemplified by Patton’s addition during the end credits scene, where he offers his opinion on the topic about having the opportunity to add positivity to the world. His belief is only an addition to the discussion and wouldn’t detract from Logan and Roman’s suggestions, but it shows that each of Thomas’ sides have their own views on what the real answer is meant to be and that they do not agree on this notion, even if they do see eye-to-eye at times or are willing to work together for Thomas’ sake.

This song is likely meant to remind us of that episode specifically, and what Logan’s opinions on the matter were at that time, indicating his goal is for Thomas to maintain a balanced and healthy lifestyle so that he has the ability to survive and live a long life. It shows us that without the others, there is a lack of balance, but it also shows that Logan is striving for perfection, with special regard to Thomas’ needs, not necessarily his wants or desires. After all, that’s Roman’s department, right?

And this is a big factor in why the sides don’t often get along with each other. They each have their own idea of what is actually best for Thomas, and when it comes to Logan, he has an easier time arguing his points because he has all the data to back him up. This doesn’t keep the others from fighting against him, nor does it keep Thomas from taking the others’ side anyway on many occasions, but it’s still something he can rely on when everyone else is against him.

But even if he cares about Thomas’ survival most, is what he’s proposing truly the “right” way to go about it?

If he learned anything from Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?, the ending of this song may indicate he recognizes that Thomas may well live a long life with his suggestions, but would not necessarily be happy in that life, so perhaps perfection isn’t the right goal to have in mind.

Happiness, however, can be very subjective. For instance, happiness to Logan would likely involve the satisfaction of a job well done, or the opportunity to learn something new, so what would life for Thomas be if he couldn’t have that?

This is what leads us into the next song, Medicine by STRFKR, which continues the thoughts on perfectionism and the problems that arise from it. Perhaps due to the events associated with the last song, Logan has come to realize that the goal of being perfect is either truly unattainable or, as this song seems to suggest, prevents the desire to continue learning once reached. Logan, of course, would not want Thomas to have peaked when it comes to obtaining knowledge, as there will always be something you don’t know, there will always be something new to learn. If perfection removes a desire to know more, he wouldn’t be able to encourage Thomas to learn anything new, even something for his survival. As such, his goal of perfection is flawed.

However, this now completely conflicts with his earlier notions about his own aspirations of perfection, as he must be knowledgeable and helpful for Thomas, to provide him with what he needs without flaw, without failure. He must be perfect, but perfection is not possible. He must be perfect, but perfection begets disinterest and prevents further learning. So, perfection should not be his goal because it will be of overall detriment to Thomas.

His new goal needs to be something else, but he must still maintain something as close to perfection as possible, because Thomas’ perception of him cannot be altered. Thomas will still expect perfection of him, but he can never truly attain it because it’s both impossible and would ultimately remove his purpose to Thomas as Logic. Such a feat is even more difficult to achieve than perfection, so he’s very much stuck at this point and will need to figure out a new solution to this complicated problem.

[lyrics:

Sorry

So helpless

So help you

Any way you like]

When in doubt, Logan knows he can turn to one thing: Thomas’ preference on the matter. If Logan can’t decide on the best course of action, he will instead choose whatever it is that Thomas wants, as that is how he may obtain his happiness even when working with a less-than-perfect Logic.

After all, if perfection was not the true goal, then perhaps it was meant to be whatever Thomas wanted instead. Logan didn’t need to reach perfection, he just needed to reach Thomas’ expectations. The goalpost had moved, but it was still in sight, and now he’d just have to create a new strategy in order to find success, meaning it was time for some experimentation to his approach.

[lyrics:

(spoken behind music)

The following of them does not depend on believing in anything, in obeying anything, or on doing any specific rituals

Although rituals are included for certain purposes because it is a purely experimental approach to life]

Between the events of Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? and Learning New Things About Ourselves was a fun little promo episode known as Crofter's: The Musical, and while it may not seem all that relevant in the grand scheme of things, it’s important to remember the focus of the episode relied on Logan’s extraordinary adoration of Crofter's jam.

Given his love for the product, he was ecstatic at his opportunity to be recognized through that which he admired – by being featured on a specialized version of the product itself. It’s a high honor, it’s respectable, it’s cherished. This is a great moment for Logan, seeing a lot of his efforts come to fruition in an interesting and unique way.

However, it is soured by Roman’s bruised ego, as he prefers his spotlight and sees this one moment as Logan being viewed more favorably than him overall, and then it is further ruined by the mention of Logan’s wordplay and puns throughout the episode as him acting unusual, notably unserious. Logan becomes rather concerned during the end credits scene as the others point this out about him, and he realizes that he needs to maintain the status quo after all.

His experimentation in finding a balance, of what was acceptable and what was not, resulted in him understanding that he could not engage in sillier interests publicly so as not to alter the others’ perception of him and his purpose to Thomas or tarnish his reputation as a practical, reliable, knowledgeable side. He must continue to keep emotions removed from his position as Logic, even with perfection off the table as a motivating factor.

Now, before we move on to the next song, I want to re-establish whereabout in the timeline of the series we are by this point.

We had the early origins near the start with The Elements song and White and Nerdy, which likely took place somewhere within the first couple episodes that featured Logan. We dipped into Algorhythm, which likely took place around the time the actual plot and deeper characterization began appearing in the show, somewhere between The Mind vs The Heart and Moving On Pt 1 & 2. Then, Fitter Happier seems to strike some similar chords as the episode Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? from Logan’s perspective alone, meaning we’re fairly far into the series already. Medicine is somewhere around Crofters: The Musical, which means we are about to get to Learning New Things About Ourselves.

That was an episode that definitely served as a big turning point for Logan and how he readdressed his role as Thomas’ Logic and perceived how he was meant to fulfill his position.

This is also the point in the playlist where things seem to take a much darker and negative turn.

For now, we move on to the next song, which is The Watchtower by The Dø.

Now, @intrulogical has a great analysis of the meaning that may be associated with this song from Logan’s perspective, that Logan may overthink and prefer to hide away from others out of shame when he doesn’t perform adequately, that he recognizes his mistakes and has, on multiple occasions, offered to leave the discussion in order to benefit the others and Thomas. He has taken to suggesting his removal from the situation when he doesn’t seem to have the solution they need or when he has become emotional in times where he shouldn’t be, meaning that he has come to realize it may be a better option for him to leave, rather than stay and potentially make the situation worse.

We already know that he has come to understand perfection is not possible but must still maintain something akin to it, feeling shame when mistakes are inevitable. We know he experimented with his approach to no avail, where he learned he must remain emotionless and cold to be successful. The amount of stress from trying to meet expectations, maintain restrictions, and adapt himself for the others’ benefit is beginning to take its toll on him.

The Watchtower is a song that seems to suggest Logan’s methods are what make him a true outlier among the group, but the lyrics literally start out with “I’m breaking, I need another start” which would mean this is a reaction to his stressful situation, not an action Logan chose in advance.

But he is still prepared when reacting like this. He has weighed the options; he has taken past experiences into account. He has more knowledge now on how to be Thomas’ Logic in a way that fits Thomas’ expectations, and he is no longer blindly attempting to do his best without failure and is instead using what failures he’s already had to recontextualize his understanding and guide his next actions.

But he still needs to appear as flawless as he possibly can, for Thomas and the others, so that he still embodies his role as Logic, so that he can still be relied on and trusted to do his job. While he recognizes perfection is not possible, he will still get as close to it as he can.

While stress may be a factor, this may explain some of the true motivation behind his desire to hide away in these moments, or at least his belief that it would be easier to solve these dilemmas from farther away.

[lyrics:

From the watchtower

Where we can see things coming

Good or bad, at least we see things coming

From the watchtower

Where we can read the future

Whatever it says, at least we know what’s up]

Within these lyrics, we can see that this is a very divorced perspective to have, as though Logan prefers to solve issues from a distance, removed from the situation itself and able only to view it, not directly interact with the parties involved.

Using his influence on Thomas to solve the issue without being present in Moving On Pt 2 after he abruptly left in Moving On Pt 1, Logan has shown that he can be successful when he isn’t there to be talked over and insulted, be overwhelmed by everyone’s emotions and concerns, or have his own uncontrolled emotional outbursts. He can stay unbiased, practical, and clear-headed from a distance and achieve the best results.

This explains why he attempted to leave after his outburst in the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, because he had seen prior success in doing so.

However, it’s clear that there are some consequences to this approach.

[lyrics:

I don’t mind

if I’m impopular

I’m thinking

And no one in particular]

Another repeated notion throughout the series that Logan is now well aware of is that he is not very well liked. While this seems to stem from a combination of the expectations put on him and his stricter handling of the others’ more outlandish ideas, at this point, and the lyrics suggest he tries to make it seem as though it doesn’t bother him. But we know otherwise, because Logan does continue to attempt to garner favor from Thomas, the other sides, and the audience. It’s why he picked up the slang word flashcards, and it’s partly why he tries to use more relatable metaphors and analogies to explain complicated subjects. He does want to be liked, respected, and Heard, even if he claims otherwise.

His attempts to remove himself from the group to benefit Thomas and perform his duties from afar only seem to add to this dislike that’s been building for him. His absence prevents him from building and maintaining any relationship with the other sides (not that he was making much progress with that around that time in the series regardless). When he has his outburst in Learning New Things About Ourselves and tries to then leave the discussion entirely, he is quickly stopped by Patton who insists he stay instead. He would have preferred to leave, knowing he was more beneficial to Thomas if he was unemotional. Unfortunately, because he stays, he is unable to resolve the issue for Thomas like he had before, and instead spent the rest of the episode uncomfortable and unable to relate to the emotional concepts that were applied.

He comes away from that situation recognizing his own misunderstanding of the others’ actions in their attempts to help Thomas, but there is no solution found, only a slight improvement to Thomas’ mood about the discussion on the whole. And on Logan’s part, he was also left without a solution, resulting in him adding this as another failure to his list and believing that he will need to do more to better accommodate the other sides and Thomas’ emotions in order to achieve the best results.

[lyrics:

I’m breaking

I need another start

Far away from the city lights]

This follows the lyrics at the end of the song, repeating exactly how it started. Nothing was resolved here; Logan only sees his mistake and feels ashamed for it. He still wants to solve Thomas’ issues from a distance, but now he’s more aware of the emotional stakes that he hadn’t been implementing in his solutions before this point.

He has decided that he’ll do better, but he isn’t sure how to do that exactly, and he’s still hurting, but that’s left unacknowledged.

And Logan only comes to realize that the others are pulling away after this, as we see in Selfishness vs Selflessness, where he wasn't included in the courtroom scenario and pushed to the back and out of the way after the one moment where he could be helpful.

Logan can see that this is what Thomas and the others want for him, to stay out of their way, because he apparently can't understand them in the way they prefer. Never mind the fact that the inverse is true, too.

And that leads us to the next song, The Breach by clipping.. At a minimum, this song is very concerning, but also a helpful indicator as to what seems to be happening and possibly even why.

[lyrics:

Generally operating normally

A small anomaly has become evident

And probably should be noted]

In simple terms, something has changed, and likely not for the better. Something is different.

If we’re aware of the timeline of the story, this is sometime after the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, which means it's likely about Remus’ arrival in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts and how it signifies Thomas’ declining mental health.

Something specific that should be mentioned about this song first is its lyrics. They are read as a computer observing a situation, assessing the variables, and stating plainly the solution to be enacted by others. This is similar to what Logan was able to successfully do in Moving On Pt 2 and would have preferred to use as his approach in Learning New Things About Ourselves, which is to stay distant from the situation itself but address everything calmly and without emotional disruption.

However, the lyrics are also given in very quick succession, indicating a hastiness to the necessity of these instructions. This could mean that if the subject does not act swiftly, the results may not be optimal.

[lyrics:

First: the recommended course of action should be to

Administer a sedative to all the cargo via ventilation

The ship is fully capable of automating this

But requires an approval code from the administration]

As he learned in Learning New Things About Ourselves, Logan has to better accommodate the other sides’ emotions (as well as Thomas’) and their concerns on the matter in order to competently resolve the issue, so appearing and calmly explaining what needs to be done is the approach he chose. But that didn’t work out at first due to the same issues he’s been having this whole time, which is everyone’s reluctance to listen to him as well as their insistence on keeping him out of the group, especially while they are all so emotional themselves in that moment.

In order for this to work, he would need to convince Thomas and the others to trust him and to listen to what he had to say. In reality, Logan can only give them the advice they need here, he can’t actually fix it for them, hence the lyric, “but requires an approval code from the administration.” They can’t logic their way out of this but using logic can guide them away from the overly emotional response and provide the instructions needed to find that solution.

Logan applies the instructions from the song – administer a sedative? Calm the others back down. The importance of alacrity? Speak with confidence, stay positive. Send security immediately? Logan took charge of the situation at hand because no one else was handling it.

Logan keeps himself level-headed, refuses to show any emotional response (not to Remus, not to Virgil, not to Patton), and displays his worth as Thomas’ Logic to the best of his ability. And it works fairly well, as he manages to calm the other sides and Thomas down while also warding Remus off and tiring him out. It took longer than he probably expected, but he accomplished what he had set out to do.

Despite the end of the song sounding like an electric-powered warzone, the episode Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts had ended on a positive note for Logan, as he was praised by Thomas for being cool, with how he handled the situation so smoothly and didn’t let anything affect him. This marked a success for Logan, and he now knows that addressing situations with swift action, getting right to the point while also allowing for the other parties to vent their feelings on the matter, and staying composed and unemotional himself while addressing the problem was the best course of action, at least while Thomas was in this type of mindset and far more stressed than he had been in the past.

Perhaps he really has finally figured out how to be a proper Logic for Thomas after all.

Unfortunately, whatever elation he had in that episode doesn’t last long, as our next song, Letter C by Zach Sherwin, is all about being embarrassed by others and reflecting back on the situation later to think of something cleverer that could have been said in response.

As this is something he has dealt with a handful of times in the series as a whole, Logan wishing he could have thought up a better comeback to the others’ insults in the moment is not unheard of, and it could easily be inferred that he’s done this type of reflection on his own many times.

[lyrics:

And now it’ll linger forever but I’ve been stewin’ over

What I’d say to him if I could do it over]

The song lyrics mention how this situation lingers, that it’s something Logan thinks about repeatedly, even though we know there have been multiple moments like this. He remembers it for a long time, he thinks back on each one, wishing he could have done something more when he had the chance.

This is a moment more steeped in pride than obligation to his duty as Logic, however. While his desire to be viewed as clever and informed comes from the expectations of him as Thomas’ Logic, his desire to be respected as Better than the other sides in this particular way does not.

As was told in Learning New Things About Ourselves, it seems Logan habitually criticizes the others and becomes more standoffish in response to stress and a lack of order, as though the lack of control in a situation supercedes his judgement on how to behave among the other sides. In attempt to regain that control, he tries to place himself and his importance in the matter above others, which only causes additional problems.

In reality, all the sides should be balancing each other out, but the system currently in place is not balanced at all, and we often see sides like Logan further down the ranks than others on a regular basis. This can explain his desire to level it back out or rise even higher, to prove that he should be listened to and respected, and he could easily convince himself that his reason for this desire stems from his necessity to Thomas as opposed to any correlated feelings of shame or pride.

Thomas needs his logical side, someone to act as his voice of reason when the others are too emotional and rowdy, someone to provide unbiased facts instead of the others’ leaning opinions, someone that he can trust to always be in his corner and do what’s best for him every time. While the others turn Thomas’ gaze to the future or the past, Logan does everything he can to keep him steady in the present, so long as Thomas actually listens.

Logan had spent a lot of time to change and be better for Thomas, to meet and exceed his expectations. He adapted his thoughts, his methods, his temperament, all to best accommodate Thomas and his needs. So, it makes a lot of sense that he’d have a lot left unsaid after everything he has tolerated throughout the series. He wishes he could have the respect he believes he’s owed instead of continuing to endure insults left and right, but for now, he can only make up such scenarios where he comes out on top in his mind.

A moment of respite comes with what's next on the playlist, Galaxy Song from Monty Python (as sung by Stephen Hawking), which has a delightful message of enjoying the wonder found in our universe. There’s already so much to learn on our planet, but there’s endlessly more available to us out in the rest of the ever-expanding universe.

The song jabs at the inevitable stupidity of some people but chooses not to complain or find a way to be better than them. Instead, one should choose to refocus on something positive, to distract themself rather than to dwell on it. It’s better to think about something you enjoy rather than something you hate, right? And this makes it seem as though it’s a response to the last song in this way, that Logan has dealt with another insult or stressful situation and was unable to respond in the way he preferred, so now he’s choosing to ignore it and think about something fascinating to pass his time in a healthier and nonjudgmental way. Ignoring the situation is no better than stewing over it, but at least this way he gets to think about something he appreciates.

Neither of these songs seem to have a particular place in the overall storyline from the series, by the way. They seem to embody multiple similar occurrences over the course of the show, indicating that this has happened before, continues to happen, and will likely keep happening in the future. However, it’s not a great situation to repeatedly have to handle, especially if Logan is still as stressed as we know he is, and if he simply keeps permitting it to happen without speaking up properly about why it bothers him, then it will never change.

The next song, Streaks, is itself a very interesting song that embodies a lot of nostalgia, both good and bad, that Logan holds about his past with Thomas – teaching him, helping him study, guiding his path through school and college. Sadly, we know that Thomas proceeded to let his Chemical Engineering degree collect dust so he could instead pursue an acting career and become a successful Youtuber as an adult. To Logan, these more creative interests overtook his studies and Thomas’ potential for a stable and well-earning career.

[lyrics:

All these years of filling out papers

Building a future

Keeping your head down

Tryin’ to keep a head on your shoulders

Keep it creative

Make it your own somehow]

From these lyrics, we can see the inclusion of creativity as a secondary to getting the work done, showing something that was discussed in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? as Logan proposed that Thomas maintaining a healthy lifestyle and doing his work tasks needed to take priority over creative pursuits and aspirations. This could imply that, during Thomas’ school years, Logan may have had a lot more say in what Thomas should do to be successful in his classes and to get into college, and that he didn’t turn away Thomas’ interest in creativity but preferred it to not take priority over his schoolwork.

But, as we know, what may have started as a creative outlet soon grew into a genuine interest and then a full acting career that negated the entire point of all of Logan’s hard work. If Thomas had wanted to be an actor or a Youtuber all along, why did Logan put so much effort into getting Thomas to study, to do his work, to get into college, to earn his degree? He couldn’t even be proud of such an accomplishment because it served no purpose to Thomas as an adult. It didn’t signify anything except wasted effort on Logan’s part.

[lyrics:

Throw ‘em in the water

Let ‘em sink or float

Give ‘em what they need to move on

Then you let them go]

This sounds like something you’d hear from a parent watching their child grow up and move onto adulthood and pursue their own life away from the family home.

Logan had done his part, he taught and guided Thomas in everything he needed to know in order to achieve success. And when it came time for Thomas to follow through, he proceeded to veer off to a completely different path and Logan could do nothing but watch it happen. Thankfully, though, Thomas Had found success, just not in a way that Logan had expected.

He hadn’t even prepared for this type of eventuality – it was unknown territory.

But Logan could adapt, he could make this work. He’d shown he was able to overcome past obstacles, and he found ways to implement research and education into Thomas’ creative career, giving him an opportunity to still learn something new. He just needed to stay relevant and keep Thomas’ interest and continue encouraging him to learn. However, that proved much harder to do when Thomas refused to listen to him.

Thomas had grown to require much less from Logan over time, having moved away from the days of tests and studying to bigger and better adventures. It left Logan with very little to do for Thomas but maybe to appear when he had no one else to turn to.

It was as though it wasn’t just Thomas’ degree that he’d placed up on a shelf to collect dust, but Logan, too. To stay tucked away, unused for years, only ever coming in handy for very specific situations and nothing but an embarrassment or eyesore in others. What use could he possibly have anymore? Why should Thomas be proud of him when he didn’t need him for anything?

Now, if you’ve noticed, these past few songs seem to lean more heavily toward emotions than the ones that came before them. Letter C was about embarrassment and feeling shame over his mistakes and how he’s been treated, trying to use his pride to combat it. The Galaxy Song was about relief and ignoring the situation to escape to wonder and curiosity as a coping mechanism. And now Streaks is about nostalgia, the wistful longing for what once was, and the painful memory of what came of that despite all his effort.

He’s embarrassed, he’s running away from the problem, he’s sad.

You see, Logan is trying to find a solution here by using something similar to what the other sides might try when they are the ones struggling. He’s copying their methods. Roman leans on his pride to sooth his ego and to make himself feel better, Virgil runs away and hides from his issues, and Patton delves into nostalgia and strengthens his sadness, feeling it deeply.

This implies that Logan doesn’t quite understand how to handle whatever it is that he is feeling, but he's paid close enough attention to what the others have done, even if he doesn't understand why or how it's meant to help. Now that he's searching for some sort of solution on his own, he experiments, tries something new based upon his research and facts, rather than asking for any kind of help.

Remember, he can’t tarnish his image as a near-flawless Logic that is supposed to already know everything, who they’re supposed to be able to rely on. So, he will have to solve this one on his own, too, by just trying things out until he eventually gets it right. That is what the experimental approach is for, after all.

But these emotional songs are only the beginning, and they’re about to take a stark turn.

Next is What I Do For U by Ra Ra Riot, which is a song absolutely steeped in frustration and anger. In so few lyrics, it says a lot of what Logan has been mulling over lately in the storyline. We know his frustration over everything has been building more and more.

[lyrics:

I want you to survive

Anything you need]

This song gets right to the point with its opening lyrics and even the chorus. It tells us that Logan’s efforts, all these recommendations to Thomas, all the schedules and planning, all this encouragement for him to eat healthy and take better care of himself, all his guidance and advice and helpfulness serve one purpose and one purpose alone – to help Thomas survive.

[lyrics:

What I do for you

I do for you]

Everything he does, he does for Thomas.

But does Thomas recognize that? It doesn’t seem so.

And this, of course, bothers Logan. It doesn’t just bother him, it angers him. Logan has put in so much of his time and energy over the years into doing everything perfectly for Thomas, with no help in doing so this entire time. Prioritizing Thomas’ wellness over everything, listening to the others even when he couldn’t understand their emotions, remaining level-headed and calm around their puns and insults and threats, hiding his interests and holding back his words so they wouldn’t think less of him. He has worked against obstacles and odds of which the others aren’t even aware. He has bent and molded and reshaped himself in so many ways to better accommodate everyone else, to match their expectations, to make them happy. He did it for them.

But what does he get in return? Mocked, disrespected, and ignored.

And, worst of all, Logan knows just how important he is to Thomas! Well, in function, at least. Thomas would not survive without Logic, and yet Logan seems to be the only one to recognize that fact. He can’t even be respected for his function, his purpose in keeping Thomas alive and well. It’s one thing if they didn't like Logan, but wasn’t the fact that he was needed for Thomas’ survival enough for them to tolerate him, at the very least?

[lyrics:

I’m your only hope

And I’m your savior too

Every single test

You’ve been ever carried through]

On top of that, and as we saw in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts asides episode, Logan has been attempting to solve Thomas’ issues by himself, relying on his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine the best approach in every situation without consulting the other sides at all. At some point in the series, Logan came to believe that he was the only one who actually cared about what Thomas needed, that he was somehow the only one actually keeping Thomas alive. He believes he is the only side who’s clear-headed enough to handle Thomas’ problems, the only one who can act as a voice of reason, the only one who offers practical and useful solutions.

This is, unfortunately for Logan, not actually true, but it makes sense why he would come to this conclusion, considering that every side disagrees on what they think is best for Thomas. The other sides tend to focus on their own self-interests and goals as guiding factors while Logan is the one who deals the most in absolutes and factual information. Something that Roman suggests can be complete fantasy, impossible to ever achieve. Something that Patton suggests can be unreasonable to follow through on or would only hurt Thomas in the long run. Something that Virgil suggests can be rooted in negativity and self-doubt, bringing Thomas’ mental health down as a result. Janus’ suggestions can be incredibly biased and not always socially acceptable. Remus’ suggestions…well. They can be both uncomfortable as well as impractical.

But Logan never gives impossible, impractical, or biased recommendations to Thomas. He uses research to find what would work best for the situation, then applies it to his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine what would suit him most, and then suggests it outright, explaining in simple terms a way in which it can be implemented.

He does all the hard work for Thomas, so that all he’ll have to do is simply follow through. Each time, he does this with Thomas and his needs at the forefront of every offer.

Yes, he can go overboard a bit, just like all the other sides, but he thinks that just means he needs to be flexible and allow for some exceptions to balance things out, allow Thomas to be happy in his survival. After all, he has learned so much over the course of this series, hasn’t he?

He learned to compromise with those he disagreed with in The Mind vs The Heart. He learned that too much or too little of any side’s influence could bring detriment to Thomas in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2. He learned that emotions could override intelligence and present a major problem in Moving On Pt 1 & 2. He learned that finding some balance between his suggestions and the others’ was optimal in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?. He learned that such balance could not be applied to himself as he had to maintain his role as an unemotional Logic and stay serious in Crofters: The Musical. He learned that he needed to expand his understanding of why Thomas preferred emotions over intelligence despite the need for both in Learning New Things About Ourselves. He learned that the other sides and Thomas could apparently solve their issues without his presence in Selfishness vs Selflessness. He learned that his method of taking action and solving the issue for them when they were too emotional to do it themselves was more efficient in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that, despite his willingness to help, the others much preferred to solve issues without him in Putting Others First. He learned that his method of efficiency in solving Thomas’ problems on his behalf was not particularly welcome and would not earn him the respect he desired in Working Through Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that despite continued efforts, the others still won’t listen to him or to each other in Have I Grown? – Five Years Later. He learned that, as the logical side, the others would always assume he was against them and their ideas in Can Plushies Improve Our Health?

He's learned…a lot. Overall, he has concluded that he is needed but not wanted, that he has the answers but not the perfect method to apply them, that he apparently should allow for emotions to guide the other sides and Thomas while keeping himself cut off from them entirely, and that he should be implementing logic only where it is most required or when specifically requested.

Logan has found what he believes should work best for Thomas, but has also realized that Thomas is refusing to listen. Thomas doesn’t want to do things that benefit him, he doesn’t want to do things that will make him feel better, and Logan certainly can’t force him to do them, either, even when he’s sure it will help. Are the suggestions the problem or is it because it’s Logan suggesting them that keeps him from doing it?

Logan is very determined to perform his function, to keep Thomas alive and well. He wants to empower him to overcome the mental health difficulties he’s been facing lately, and to allow him to take care of his needs, but Logan’s doing all of this by himself because he doesn’t believe anyone else is capable nor wants to do what has to be done.

The other sides prefer to only dabble in the fun parts, the emotional parts, and leave the complicated and messy stuff to Logan alone. And if Thomas refuses to listen just because it’s Logan telling him the answer, then it puts everything at a standstill, including Logan’s purpose for even being there.

It frustrates him. He feels like he’s been put in this unwinnable position, always made out to be the bad guy when all he does is care about Thomas’ survival and wellbeing.

[lyrics:

I couldn’t ever give up on you

But don’t thank me]

He, quite literally, could never stop doing his job as Thomas’ Logic. He could never stop doing his part, keeping everything afloat, making sure that Thomas can still function, even when Thomas’ mental health is fighting against him at every turn.

Throughout all of Working Through Intrusive Thoughts, we see Logan pause or postpone his plans so he can redirect Thomas and attempt to salvage his mental health, give him time to refocus. He knows it’s a priority right now. He has learned time and time again that emotions are more important than logic in this world, even if logic is the reason he knows and can implement ways to help Thomas to calm down and manage those emotions.

Logan knows by now that he can only help when he’s asked to or when he’s needed most, but after every obstacle and barrier he’s managed to push through, after being the only one who cares enough to do anything to help, he’s left tired and frustrated. He just wants Thomas to listen, for once, for his own benefit, so that he might understand what it is Logan hasn’t been able to say because he’s been pushed down and away for so long.

He shouts out “Stop ignoring me!” to Remus, but Remus knows it’s not really him that he wants to yell that at, and he’s right. Logan’s frustration is mostly with Thomas, and this song shows that very clearly.

He won’t give up on him because he physically can’t, but maybe he has stopped caring about why that is. Maybe he will just do his job, meet the bare minimum of expectations, and not care about the rest anymore.

When Thomas asks him “What’s next?” in the Have I Grown? anniversary video, Logan simply responds, “You tell me.”

He knows his opinion doesn’t matter. He knows no one listens to what he has to say. His suggestions are ignored, his advice is unwanted. Why should he bother giving a damn any longer if Thomas and the other sides clearly don’t give a damn about him?

And that’s where we get to the next song, Erase Me by Ben Folds Five.

This is a very pivotal moment, and it’s notable that it seems to be something that will happen in the near future of the series, because, as of the last song, we have already surpassed all currently released (and relevant) episodes of Sanders Sides in this timeline of the playlist. Erase Me will be related to whatever happens next in Logan’s arc, which also means everything from here on out is more of a prediction than an analysis.

[lyrics:

What was our home?

Paper, not stone

A lean-to, at most]

There’s a lot going on from the very start of this song. First, Logan’s perspective of the mindscape, the “family” of Thomas’ sides, and the system they’ve been using to keep Thomas going was clearly built on shaky foundation, paper-thin and ready to fall at a moment’s notice. Patton holding back negative emotions and then pushing Thomas to prioritize others over himself, Roman pushing himself too far and letting passion fuel Thomas’ every move in desperate attempts to look like the good guy, Virgil’s persistent presence alone despite his efforts to do better only to turn around and assume the worst of Thomas’ opinion of him, Janus’ meddling and his attempts to get Thomas to understand his issues without saying anything outright and only confusing him more and making him feel more guilty, and Remus being abrasive and outlandish to grab Thomas’ attention at every chance he has even if it comes at a detriment to Thomas’ health. It really was only a matter of time before things fell through.

Thomas struggling the way he has been was bound to happen because he wasn’t taking care of himself, he would only listen to some sides far more than others and wasn’t listening to his voice of reason much at all. This created an unfair and, at times, toxic environment for the sides to live and work in. All of them constantly trying to grab Thomas’ attention was what kept them from paying attention to Thomas and what he needed instead.

This became increasingly evident after Janus showed up in the narrative, and has been explicitly clear since Remus’ arrival, too. Thomas is not doing well mentally, and his sides are all stressed out which is making it worse. Logan can recognize all this from a detached, outside perspective despite also being just as affected. He’s been trying to keep things together for Thomas, working on his own to fulfill every role being left undone while the others are too upset to handle things as they typically could, but unfortunately, Logan’s finding it hard to care anymore.

[lyrics:

And when you pulled

Your half away

Gravity won

Like it always does

Did I weigh a ton?

Would it be easier

To just delete

Our pages and the plans we made?]

So, this song is sung in a very accusatory tone, poking at a specific person (mainly because it is originally a break-up song). The speaker is very upset and angry with the other party, and they are relaying their observations and asking why, asking if it was their fault this happened.

“And when you pulled your half away” implies that Logan was not the instigator of whatever preceded this incident, but as we saw with the last song, Logan holds some beliefs about Thomas and the other sides that are not fully true but are not exactly contested either. He could easily see their insistence in pushing him away, ignoring him, and refusing to listen even when Thomas is in desperate need of help as their act of pulling away from him, even if he is the one who has finally let go.

And while I don’t want to get too particular with my predictions, I do believe it’s very possible a last straw for Logan at this juncture may very well involve Thomas’ mental health and what he genuinely needs for survival.

If you’ll remember, Logan now believes he is only truly needed when it is absolutely necessary and there are no other options, or if he is specifically requested to help in some way, so if there is a situation that requires his attention, only for him to show up and be rejected yet again, he may just give up at that point.

And Logan thinks he is the only side genuinely looking out for Thomas, not just for his needs but his wants, as well. Thomas had specifically asked for his help in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts episode, only for him to take on multiple roles to keep Thomas calm enough to handle himself. And Logan was the only one who bothered to ask Thomas what He wanted in the Can Plushies Improve Our Health? promo video, before even making his argument that everyone else assumed would be in opposition but turned out not to be.

Logan sees himself as that last remaining straw, really. If something is going to finally break him, it will be Thomas and the others. It will be their negligence, their refusal, their rejection of him that finally bends him too far, pushing him to a point where nothing can ever be the same again.

[lyrics:

So what will you do

With no me for you

I know what we said

What if I left

A thing or two?

We know that you don’t seem

To think about what you need

‘Til you reach to find that you’ve—

Erased me]

Like I said, Logan sees himself as the only one holding Thomas together. He believes that, without him, everything would fall apart and turn to chaos, and he’s probably right about most of that.

These lyrics are the speaker predicting what will occur, that the others won’t even notice his absence until they need him for something, and that’s when they’ll realize he’s already gone. This indicates a potential plan to leave, maybe not fully ducking out but certainly not sticking around either. Something that would keep Thomas’ logic functional for use while also allowing Logan a reprieve from him and the other sides, where he would only be used as one would a tool; tucked away in storage until the moment it is needed, then put right back afterward.

Leaving is the key here, though, and it’s something we’ve already seen result in detriment to Thomas back in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2, and yet, Logan has come to believe that this is a favorable option. Why? Is this to help him feel vindicated, to teach them a lesson?

It's not as though they want him around enough to stop him from leaving anyway.

You know, both the title and chorus of this song portray a very particular message, as “erase me” is not the speaker’s action, because he is not the one erasing himself. Rather, it is a suggestion to the other party so that they can finally be rid of the speaker. The lyrics are also taunting with these words, as if to say that this is what the other party has wanted all along anyway so they should just do it already.

Logan is asking, pleading, for Thomas to let him go because he obviously doesn’t even want him around. Logan doesn’t want to put up with this anymore, and as angry as he is at how he’s been treated, he knows he can’t just give up on Thomas, he’s literally a part of him. This has to be Thomas’ decision, Thomas’ action. Thomas has to be the one to push Logan away, the one to erase him.

Logan isn’t just angry at this point, he’s miserable. He knows he’s unwanted and barely needed, as he serves so little purpose to Thomas in his current career and doesn’t get along with any of the other sides despite everything he has tried to do to correct that. They’ve made it clear they don’t want him around, and they have already proven they can solve issues on their own without his help. He doesn’t need to be there, so why won’t Thomas just let him go?

[lyrics:

Erase me, and you’ll never have to face me

Erase me, Option-Command-Escape me

And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be?]

A fun little tidbit of knowledge here, but the Option-Command-Escape function on an Apple computer is its force-quit option, to completely cease a program from running. The program can’t do this itself; the user has to combine those three keys to make it happen. And when they do, the program will have closed and shut down completely. Often this is used when a program isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, when it fails to do its job. By doing this, you put it out of its misery.

Logan isn’t just asking to leave, to only benefit Thomas from afar or only as needed, he is essentially begging for death. He no longer wishes to function at all, because he believes he has no purpose to Thomas or the others. He is pleading for Thomas to let him go, find someone else who could do a better job as his Logic, someone who they’d actually enjoy having around.

For Logan to reach this low of a point, something truly devastating has to have happened to him. I cannot possibly predict what may truly set him off in this way, but given the most recent events in the series, he isn’t all that far from this point already. Likely, it will involve his worth and use to Thomas, and it won’t just be that he was forgotten or tossed aside like in SVS and SVS:R, but that Thomas or the others doing something that will clarify his uselessness out loud, where it can no longer be denied. There will be a divide that leaves him alone on the other end, finally and truly aware that he will never belong here.

Desperation that turns to anger to hide away its shame and misery, Logan won’t just duck out like Virgil had in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1. He would lash out, make sure Thomas and the others knew exactly why he wanted to leave, and begging that they be the ones to cut that connection for him. Maybe he will do something to push the issue, to give them a reason to do it. Perhaps the Orange side will emerge at this point, either to assist him in whatever he’s trying to do or to take over for him or something else entirely.

Regardless of what happens, Logan has now hit a very low point, and everyone knows it.

The next song is Art is Dead by Bo Burnham, which by itself can imply quite a few things.

As if simmering down from the initial blast of heat in the last song, there's still anger and annoyance here, but also a realization.

Something I want you to understand about this song before we relate it to Logan and why it’s included in this playlist is that the speaker is talking about a position, specifically an entertainer, and is saying that what they do is problematic. The speaker is complaining about another party, only to then turn around and include themself within that party. They are not just saying “entertainers are bad and here’s 50 reasons why.” They are saying “entertainers are attention-seekers, and so am I.”

So, when you then put this into perspective with Logan and the message he’s been trying to convey, he is pointing out flaws that he sees in what is likely Roman, as well as Thomas, but he’s also including himself as part of the problem. He recognizes that he, too, seeks attention – from Thomas, from the other sides, from the audience. And he doesn’t feel that it’s a good thing, he sees it as shameful because he knew why it was an issue, and yet he kept doing it anyway.

This seems like a moment of self-reflection, to see that he is not above the others at all, in fact he’s not that different from them when it comes down to what they all want, which is Thomas’ attention. Every single one of them is trying to be heard, but Thomas has only been listening to some of them. And most of them never feel that what they do get is enough, no matter how much it is.

This song shows that Logan knows he wants Thomas’ attention, but also that he doesn’t feel he’s done enough to deserve it. He believes he hasn’t even earned a right to complain like he has. He’s ashamed for how he’s acted because he thought he was supposed to be better than this. He doesn’t deserve the respect he thought he was owed; he doesn’t deserve anything.

With this song, he has somehow managed to dig even lower than his last low point, he’s just sorry for all the trouble he’s caused. Maybe his emotions got out of hand, maybe the Orange side caused problems but it was his fault because he let it happen – who knows? Even if he felt vindicated in the moment, it was clearly fleeting, and now, after the events of what happened, Logan only feels worse.

And then we get to Equation from The Little Prince next on the playlist, and we’re still in that zone of self-reflection, but it’s no longer about how Logan’s just like the others. No, now it’s all about his own flaws, his own failures, and everywhere that he’s fallen short.

Logan has now managed to dig even deeper than his lowest low, folks! It just gets worse and worse! Can you believe it?

[lyrics:

Will I ever know

How white is the snow

Does it matter after all?

Will I ever learn

How to fly like birds]

In this lowest point, Logan can only come up with questions that have been left unasked. Did he hurt Thomas? Did he ruin whatever he had with the other sides? Will he be forever trapped in this world Thomas created for them, with no way to truly explore the real world, to see its full wonder? Will he ever have a chance to do better, to be better, to hope again? Will he ever reach his true potential? Did he ever even have a true potential?

He had attempted and failed to find perfection for so long. He believed it was just a matter of trying, of wanting to meet Thomas’ expectations of him, that if he put his all into it, then he could see it through and be what exactly what Thomas wanted him to be, to be what everyone expected him to be, to be what Logan himself hoped to be.

Hours, days, weeks, years… In the end, it was never truly possible, and yet he had kept foolishly hoping for so long that he could be enough for Thomas. He had called the others’ ideas irrational, when, really, it was him all along with the impossible dreams.

[lyrics:

Are you good as gold?

Are you far from hope?

Are you well alone,

Dad?

Will I be a brave?

Will I be a bright?

Will I be a good grown-up?]

The future was never certain, but now Logan could never be sure of anything. What will become of him? What will become of Thomas? Is it even possible to recover from this, to start over, to get better?

We then move on to the next song, Sunrise from In The Heights. Logan is not doing well, but something he definitely needs more than anything right now is some sort of hope and motivation to keep trying and keep going.

Sunrise appears to be a song meant to involve either Roman or Patton communicating with Logan, but the purpose in its placement on this playlist seems to infer emotion as a motivation to learn, if you break the romantic intent away from the song itself, that is. Anything can motivate one to learn, even love, and Logan must be able to recognize this and understand that emotions and intelligence do not have to have a clear separation and can instead work in tandem. Learning isn’t just about curiosity or survival, it can have very emotional ties, as well.

For so long in the series, Logan has insisted he did not have emotions, even when this was clearly false. He believed that keeping himself removed from emotions would help him succeed in his job as Logic, that the others would be able to rely on him much more if they could trust his knowledge to be unbiased and unmotivated by unpredictable emotions. He assumed that divide between the two was necessary, and that if the two merged or collided, he would be unfit to do his job, that he would not be taken seriously.

However, doing this kept him from understanding and processing his own emotions as well as being unable to empathize with Thomas and the other sides. He only grew to misunderstand and mistrust emotions more and more as time went on, becoming startled and confused at his own outbursts, not aware of why he would feel a certain way or have a certain reaction to a situation, because he refused to let himself experience that emotion, to feel it. His lack of understanding directly resulted from his choice not to engage with emotions at all, despite their importance.

And finding that importance is where this song comes in, because the crucial point Logan had been missing all this time was that emotions can encourage one to learn, inspire one to research. Love can motivate someone to learn a new language, so they can communicate, as we hear in this song. But something like anger can motivate someone to research an important topic so they can fight for what they believe in with facts on their side. Sadness can inspire someone to look into advice and ways to help, not just for oneself but for others, too, employing empathy and logic side by side. Fear can motivate someone to find truth, to create familiarity with routines and schedules, to calm down cognitive distortions to maintain peace of mind.

Logic and emotions do not need to be separated; they can work together very well. In fact, most people use both in tandem every day.

For so long, Logan had set for himself a barrier he could not, would not cross. He knew there was nuance to the world but learned over time that he could not display his own. He resorted to that black-and-white thinking for the others' benefit and then to his own, finding that it was all-or-nothing when it came to Logic or Emotions. He believed one would merely taint the other, so they must be kept apart, even if that left only he alone on the other side, as the only logical side.

Despite the unfairness and discomfort, he didn’t want to challenge what he had come to think was right, what he’d been using as his basis for how he was supposed to act, which is why he refused to learn more about it, to never dare change the perception that he held.

He had given up, letting the world and its arbitrary rules dictate who he was and how he should be…but that was never meant to happen.

Once he realizes where his thoughts had steered him wrong, it will be like a whole new world of opportunities has suddenly opened up to him, giving him so much more to explore and learn. It will give him what he was missing this whole time. It will bridge the gaps he’d been unable to cross.

Logan does serve a purpose, and it's an incredibly important one, but it’s not something he was ever meant to do completely alone like he has been.

And that, of course, is where we get to the next song, One More Time with Feeling by Regina Spektor.

Firstly, this is a song about recovery, which is definitely where Logan would be by now in the story, processing what happened, and attempting to move forward and do better. As many know, recovery is not linear, and it’s certainly not perfect.

But given everything that has happened, it’s not all on Logan to improve himself on his own. Yes, he will need to allow himself to feel emotions so that he can understand them better, and he’ll need to learn ways to implement feelings alongside intelligence when working with the other sides to help Thomas, but the other sides need to do their part here, as well.

They have pushed him away, refused to listen to him for so long, often for petty reasons that blossomed into their eventual negligence. It won’t be easy to fix that level of miscommunication between Logan and the others. It’s not as simple as Logan finally speaking up, or the others promising to do better; it will require a lot of work from both ends before anyone can truly meet in the middle on this.

Logan had spent a lot of time before all this, trying to find ways to meet the others halfway, only to met with nothing in return. He gave up so much of himself, and now resents their choice to only take and never give anything back. Once the others finally reciprocate and show that they do genuinely care about him, only then will Logan have the chance to start this journey, to finally begin to get better.

The lyrics that we hear a few times in this song “this is why we fight” can have multiple connotations, such as an explanation of why the group miscommunicates and argues so much, why they don’t get along. But it can also mean that this is their motivation to keep trying, to fight for what they believe in.

I believe both of these meanings are present in Logan’s perspective of this song.

[lyrics:

Oh, everyone takes turns, now it’s yours to play the part

And they’re sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart

And the misery inside their eyes is synchronized and reflecting into yours]

Earlier on in the song, Logan believes that the others don’t understand his predicament, even if they want to help. They are still separate from him, even if they’ve all had their own issues to overcome, that doesn’t mean they actually comprehend what he’s going through, how it feels, what it means.

He experiences the world so differently from the rest of them. How could they ever possibly understand?

They are pushing him to do something he cannot do well – to open up, to reach out, to feel – and it’s only condescending and antagonistic how they keep insisting that he try again every time he fails.

“This is why we fight” during the chorus is his condemnation of their actions, that he doesn’t think the others can meet him at his level. He is not in a place yet where he can believe they’ll listen to what he’s actually saying, he can’t trust that they’ll bother to explain these unknown things to him in a way he can understand. And this is why they continue to fight, to argue, to not get along, because they aren’t properly communicating, they’re just making the same mistakes again and again.

[lyrics:

You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are

You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far

And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known

So much more than you’ve been shown]

Logan thought he would be better, not just in regard to being the best he can be for Thomas, to succeed as his Logic, to know what to do, and to have the answers, but also in terms of his own recovery. It’s difficult, and some days are worse than others; he makes progress and then he doesn’t, and it’s shameful because he has such high expectations for himself.

He’s so used to aiming for perfection that when failure is consistent like this, it feels wrong to be told it’s actually okay, that it’s normal.

But he wants to prove that Thomas’ efforts and the efforts from the other sides have not gone to waste on him, that he is improving. And yet, he keeps failing anyway. He was supposed to be perfect; he was supposed to be reliable! But now look at him. Even with their help, he’s still messing things up.

He just wants to make them proud, he wants to earn that attention and respect that he couldn’t get before, even if he knows he still doesn’t deserve it. He wants to prove that maybe he can deserve it, though.

“This is why we fight” during the next chorus is his agreement with the others, that this is the motivation to keep trying, to keep going. Someday, he can be better. Someday, he will be respected and trusted and relied upon in the ways that he wants. Someday, they’ll be proud of him.

Until then, the fight is worth it.

This leads directly into In My Mind by Amanda Palmer as the next song, as we see Logan has held very high expectations for himself, which is why failure had hurt so much. But now that things have changed, he may be beginning to challenge these expectations, to expand upon them and understand that he has a chance for something different now.

[lyrics:

Because I will be the picture of discipline

Never minding what state I’m in

And I will be someone I admire]

Part of the issue really did come down to lyrics like “never minding what state I’m in” because Logan never put himself as a priority. This entire time, even at his lowest point, Logan was never the one who was important, not even to himself.

He was okay with this because this was never about him, it was about what Thomas needed or wanted. His willingness to bend and remake himself to benefit the others was surely a sentiment shared by all of them, that this was just what was needed to accomplish his job.

It’s not until Logan finally realizes that this is not the case, that he needs to put himself in some priority, too, that he’ll ever begin to improve and truly get better, able to be himself or enjoy anything he does again.

A big part of recovery is not setting your motivation on someone or something else – you need to get better because you want to be better. You need to believe you deserve to be happy, to get the things you want. Logan can say he’s doing this to benefit Thomas, to build back a relationship with the other sides, to earn back his position and demand respect as Logic, but that will only fail until his motivation is simply that it’s something he wants to do, for him. When attached to others and their expectations, those strings only come with guilt and can end up making his situation worse.

Logan has to do this for himself.

[lyrics:

And it’s funny how I imagined

That I would be that person now

But it does not seem to have happened

Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see

That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be]

It starts with recognition, the realization that he hasn’t met those expectations he held for himself. There’s still judgement and he still feels guilty about it, wondering how he could have let it get to this point. Maybe he just wasn’t paying attention properly, maybe he should have remembered that he’d already decided long ago about perfection being unattainable and how that was supposed to apply to him, too.

[lyrics:

Not like me now

I’m so busy with everything

That I don’t look at anything

But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older]

He regrets having missed out on the present, not having the chance to experience the wonder of the world that he so admires due to all his efforts towards achieving perfection and doing his best to handle everything by himself. He was so busy trying to do everything so precisely and getting the result he wanted that he hadn’t given himself the opportunity to enjoy anything in all that time.

He could do activities if they were productive, if they served a purpose, but he was a hypocrite, always aware and sharing the wonder of the universe and all that exists within it, amazed by the here and now, yet spending all his time locked in, looking away from the present while trying so hard to maintain it.

How long did he spend, convincing himself that just as soon as he achieves what he set out to do, then he would have time to do that? How long would he have kept going if something hadn’t finally snapped and broken everything, forcing him to confront this?

Would he have missed out? Would he have been somehow worse?

[lyrics:

And it’s funny how I imagined that I could be that person now

But that’s not what I want, but that’s what I wanted

And I’d be giving up somehow, how strange to see

That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be]

Finally, a breakthrough. While not quite acceptance, Logan is finally starting to see the difference, that he wants things in a different way now than he did before.

He kept trying to strive for perfection in his recovery, but didn’t he recall how badly that had gone last time? He knew perfection wasn’t attainable, but he believed that was the expectation Thomas and the others had for him. He kept trying to get to it, no matter what it cost him, and that’s how he wound up here in the first place.

And now, after everything, things have changed. Thomas is listening, at least more than before. The others do care, and try to make sure he knows it, too. Logan had wanted to get better, to make them proud, to prove that he deserved what they were offering to him, but… that wasn’t even the point of it all.

All this time, he’d thought he still needed to be perfect, that that was what he wanted, but now that he’s finally had a chance to look inside himself, to experience wonder and curiosity again, he has realized that what he really wanted was to be accepted.

He didn’t want to have to change himself so the others would listen, he just wished they would actually want to listen to him, to like him for who he is, to let him be himself without requiring him to change, to only be the best, only what was needed, only Logic.

He wanted to be more than Logic; he wanted to be Logan.

With that, he finally realizes that doesn’t have to focus on perfection for Thomas’ sake and survival. He can focus more on himself more instead, on what he actually wants from the world, what he wants to do, and what he wants to try. He can be what he wants to be – more than Thomas’ Logic.

Having finally realized what it’s all for and being given the time to explore that, we get to the next song, Not Perfect by Tim Minchin.

This is a song that attempts to use facts and knowledge to explain feelings and thoughts, bringing context to situations that Logan had struggled in doing before this point. Finally beginning to understand what it is that’s going on inside, what these feelings are and why they’re there, to have the words he needs to adequately describe it to someone else, it all must be so relieving.

There’s still uncertainty, sure, but it’s a lot less stressful now, knowing there’s a way to talk to the others, to actually communicate what he means. He may still be startled, caught unawares, but he doesn’t have to shove it down and away anymore. He knows how to pause and reflect, let himself experience it, and he knows how to control his own behavior in reaction to it.

It’s far from perfect, and there’s still a lot he’ll need to learn, but he does so enjoy learning, doesn’t he?

[lyrics:

This is my earth and it’s fine

It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time

It’s not perfect, but it’s mine

It’s not perfect…]

Another thing to note about this song is the ownership behind most of the lyrics. “This is my earth” and “it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.” That sense of belonging is something that Logan has always wanted, and to be able to not only express that, finally, but to feel that it is real, that he is no longer just an outside observer but a part of the world as a whole, must be incredible.

He’s finally found his place, and though it was here all along, he no longer feels trapped in a cage or left collecting dust on a shelf. He has his place, he knows he’s a part of something greater, and that he’ll be appreciated for who he is.

This song has a perfect matching bookend, by the way; it’s three songs from the end of the playlist whereas Algoryhthm was three from the start. Both of these songs involve one’s differing view of the world, recognizing not only how it works but their place within it. One deals with that negatively, the other more positively.

In Algorhythm, Logan still had wonder for the expanse of the world but found himself trapped by the parameters being set. It didn’t matter that he knew things didn’t have to run in this way, he had no power to change it. He was given no other choice but to give up and go with the flow. He could only change himself to match it, knowing he was an outsider who didn’t belong but had to make do with his circumstances.

In Not Perfect, however, he still has that differing view of the world, but instead of being the outlier, he’s now able to find comfort in knowing he has a place within this world. There are so many wonders everywhere, all around, in the biggest and smallest of things. Yes, he sees the world differently, but so do others, and that’s amazing! He may feel alone at times, he may feel infinitesimal among the great expanse of the universe, but he is never truly alone. He knows he belongs here. He has those who understand him, and he doesn’t have to change for anyone. The world can accept him for who he is, always.

It's as though whoever curated this playlist knew precisely what they were doing. They cared deeply enough to ensure this story, Logan’s story, was told exactly the way it was meant to be, to describe the highs and lows, to explain the truth behind every note, and to inspire with hope anyone else who may be struggling, as well. This story, this playlist, says to us calmly and clearly that everything is going to be okay. It’s not perfect, but it’ll be okay.

In Human by Tank and the Bangas, we get to hear that acceptance, that love on full display.

Things have finally slowed down now, a song for a moment that comes at a more comfortable and soothing pace. Logan finally has the time to look around and see what he’s been missing while he’s been so busy with everything else.

This is another song that uses facts not only to describe and evoke emotions, but to inspire awe and wonder. Emotion-driven curiosity, channeling all the wonders of the world, of you, as your inspiration and guide to learn more and appreciate the here and now.

[lyrics:

Don’t you ever become complicit

With living life on a shelf]

Logan had gone so long pushing away parts of himself simply because they were flawed, not partaking in his interests because they didn’t fit the mold he so desperately wanted to fill. But now that he’s found his place, he can appreciate his chance to finally be more, to explore and share what he’s learned, knowing he’ll be heard.

Something we’ve seen from Logan since the very beginning is just how deep and wide his wonder goes. He loves the world, the universe, and everything found within it. He holds such fascination for the innumerable amount of living species in the world, for all the technology that’s been created and built, for every concept born of a mind. Logan loves the world so much, and he wishes so much for others to cherish what can be learned from it, as every moment, something new emerges. So many possibilities, so many chances to do more, see more, be more.

Logan was never meant to be someone who was pushed away, kept from the world that he loves so dearly. And now that he finally has the chance to be himself, to be accepted for who he is, we see that he immediately turns to what he loves most: wonder, and the opportunity to share it with others.

Knowledge can do so much for so many, but it’s best purpose is to be shared openly and freely, given to all who will take it. It’s not meant to be inaccessible, locked away, kept elite behind paywalls and tuition fees. It’s a part of what makes the world as amazing as it is, and Logan knows this and wants it to be shared.

[lyrics:

You have to continue to live

There are too many more interesting lessons]

Logan had made it his upmost priority in life to ensure Thomas’ survival, but this was something that eventually led to him burned out, begging for his own life to end instead. This journey, this long arc full of ups and downs, gave Logan the chance to see that his priorities were misaligned. He needed to take care of himself, he needed to give himself significance, because otherwise, he’d be constantly pouring from an empty cup.

He had to choose not only to live but to give himself the chance to do what humans do, to experience life, to enjoy it. Whatever time they have, they will make the most of it, because it can’t just be about survival.

Back in the song Algorhythm, Logan learned that humans do things very differently, that they don’t always act in ways that make sense, that sometimes they don’t prioritize survival despite its importance. In Fitter Happier, his interpretation of what it meant to be human was so disconnected from reality, misunderstanding what it was truly all for. But now, he has been given the chance to experience that broader spectrum; he’s no longer cut off from emotions and the ties they make to every moment in life.

There is so much more you can do with emotions as your guide, as the heartbeat to fuel your curiosity, your will to keep learning.

[lyrics:

And if you never knew

That that was enough to just be

You obviously don’t know

A thing]

This song has marked this moment out clearly for Logan, that he is finally an important and valued part of Thomas, that he belongs here and has a place here with the other sides, within the world, within the show. And it wasn’t perfection and changing himself to suit their needs that got him there. He was able to accept himself and give himself the freedom to explore and discover more, to find his own way to benefit Thomas, to be Logic, without strings, without repression, without solitude.

Being unabashedly himself was enough. He was enough for Thomas.

And then we get to the last song on the playlist, Time Adventure from Adventure Time.

A charming song to complete the set, to bring us back to how happy and smiling Logan had started out at the beginning of it all, though this time there’s a lot more depth to that smile. He knows more now; he’s learned and changed and improved in ways he never knew possible at the start of all this.

[lyrics:

Time is an illusion that helps things make sense

So we’re always living in the present tense

It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends

But you and I will always be back then

You and I will always be back then]

Existentialism with a positive twist, Logan can recognize the world for what it is, for how it works. But there is always that encouragement to remember where we all are, in the here and now.

Logan values the present the most, even if he’s someone we know who relies on the past for experience and the future for motivation. In comparison, Roman values the future and what it can hold, Patton values the past and what it can mean, and Virgil mixes between the past and the future to keep Thomas on a steady path. Logan is one of the only sides, other than perhaps Janus, who values the present moment above all else.

He wants Thomas to see what’s right in front of him instead of ignoring it for what he remembers of the past or what he hopes for the future. It’s okay to want those things, to appreciate them, but disregarding the present only results in missing out on the world around him, on what’s already available to him right now.

Logan sees Thomas’ potential and aspires for him to achieve it, but he can’t keep his mind on faraway goals without doing what he can in the present. Make a plan today that you can enact tomorrow. Brainstorm that story right now so you can write it later. Hug that friend today so you can remember it later when you miss them. There’s always a reason to act in the present, to live your life right here and now.

This ending song shows us that Logan has grown so much, and came to be happy at the end of the story. He’s come to understand himself, the others, Thomas, and the whole world so much better than ever before and is better for it. From this point on, things will surely be different, but now he has everything he needs to face anything that may come his way. He can rely on his knowledge, but also trust that he has his friends at his side, that he has their support. He knows Thomas values him and what he has to say, and that he can tell him when things are tough, when he needs him to listen.

He is heard. He is loved. And he loves in turn, all without having to do anything but be himself.

Something I absolutely adore about these last few songs on the playlist is that even though Logan is doing better now, after everything he’s gone through, he’s not showing this newfound satisfaction and happiness in the ways that you’d expect of most people. He’s doing it his own way, the way he likes doing it, and he’s thriving for it!

He prefers to work alone, having the time to think and contemplate strategies and plans without interruption. He likes reading in a quiet room, exploring fascinating new worlds and concepts all on his own. He likes sharing what he’s learned, and being relied upon for his knowledge, given the opportunity to explain ideas to others in the hopes that it will fascinate them and encourage them to learn more themselves.

He's not changing himself to do what others want of him. He’s not trying to fit some mold, to be okay by anyone else’s standards. He’s just…being Logan. And that’s everything I could ever want for him.

This playlist has involved such an amazing journey for Logan; it’s a story told through something humans will always love to share – music!

It showed us every crucial moment of Logan's arc, from what we've already seen in the show to what we know is bound to come next. It's clear that Logan has so much more to learn, especially from the other sides, who will be able to understand him once they finally try to communicate effectively and work together for Thomas and for themselves. The situation will improve, they will be happy, someday.

Someday, we’ll get to see the real conclusion to this character’s story, and until then, we can hold out hope for a good ending.

#logan sanders #sanders sides analysis #sanders sides #ts logan #logan angst #long post #like extremely long post #this is basically a very long winded way of saying that i hc logan as the biggest brooder to ever brood #so very broody and angsty #also yes i genuinely just write like this naturally and used to always be called a walking thesaurus #if you need clarification on anything i am always glad to extrapolate on my thoughts #especially because there was so much more i wanted to say here but i needed to reel it in haha #orbs thought bubbles #oh one last thing - i transcribed these lyrics myself in this post bc most websites were so incredibly wrong with these

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wickjump · 3 months

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Tbh I thought it was kinda weird how Cross used to act (like all mean for no reason). I'm so glad he had his personality changed bc if I had his childhood I would not be acting like that, i didn't even have half the trauma he does and i am a huuuuge people pleaser😭like wouldn't he be afraid people are gonna hurt him for being disrespectful? Like especially since he didn't have the resources to heal and deal with that stuff and deconstruct allbthat

Anyways pathetic cross my beloved..... <3

no it makes PERFECT sense. i was a mean as SHIT kid for years, although as i grew up i went more people pleasy. anyway warning for wickrambling (sigh)

cross only acts like a dick to people who don’t hold power over him, or when he believes himself to be under the control of someone else.

he was never rude to xgaster, especially growing up, he’s respectful to his toriel and asgore, implied to be respectful to his superiors (though not his coworkers, whom he feels comfortable enough to banter with as he grew up with most of them). and while he’s mildly rude to nightmare, it’s because he was still following chara, not nightmare. he viewed nightmare as an ally, not a new ‘owner’. chara was in charge, in his mind, not nightmare.

chara is somewhat of an outlier to the ‘never rude’ rule, because he blames chara for a lot. yet he still follows orders, most of the time blindly. he disagrees, he says he disagrees, but he follows along. he banters with chara but ultimately submits to his whim until they’re separated.

it’s a defense mechanism. if they want nothing to do with him, or they think he’s confident enough to act rudely, then he’s not someone they can influence or harm. and given the amount of internalized anger he has, he also needs to burn it off somehow. in a place where nobody has the power over him to ‘punish’, he’s not in nearly as much fear. if someone else is ‘in control’ of him or ‘owns’ him, they’re not there to witness and then punish him for his behavior. or hell, maybe it’s an attempt at pushing the boundaries, seeing the limits to what he can and can’t do when he’s not explicitly told the rules.

the switch in his behavior as of late is nice i think, definitely showcases other sides of his character that was painfully ignored at first, but the anger issues fits him. i personally view the change in his behavior as cross slowly burning out that anger, like i did as a kid when i finally escaped my abuser. it took a few years, but im not nearly as angry as i was. i don’t pick fights like i used to, and now I’m conflict avoidant. i like to think that’s how cross operated, too.

he gets angry and then he gets burnt out. my mom always told me ‘anger is a secondary emotion’, either for sadness or fear or self-hate or something. i dont fullllly believe that, but it applies to cross. he’s angry because he’s not emotionally intelligent enough to figure out why he’s feeling the way he does after being compliant to others his entire life. it bubbles to the surface and he doesn’t know what to do.

and now that he’s with xgaster, i feel he’ll be angry then, too. but i also feel he’ll eventually submit, even if his goal is to. not ruin the multiverse like xgaster wants to. but only time will tell and honestly whatever route jakei goes for i feel will be a good one. if cross is angry, it would be accurate. if he submits, it would be accurate. if he’s fearful, it would be accurate. trauma is complicated and different for everyone.

anwyay i also like cross a lot maybe too much actually,, yayaya. he deserves to be pathetic but that’s not all to him i feel. he’s got a wide array of trauma and thus a wide array of ways to act about it!!! :3

#cross sans #XTale #Underverse #utmv #undertale #xgaster #nightmare sans #xchara

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cb-writes-stuff · 2 months

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Yes I would like to see some in hats and time stuff,,, and also maybe an explanation of what a hat in time is I know barely anything about it

Firstly, A Hat in Time is a 3D collectathon platformer by indie studio Gears for Breakfast. It stars Hat Kid (and, if you’re playing two-player, Bow Kid) who has to collect magical hourglasses called Time Pieces, which are the fuel for her spaceship, so that she can go home. Her enemy is Mustache Girl, a precocious rebel with a strong sense of justice, who is collecting Time Pieces for her own nefarious purposes—to deal with anyone she deems a “bad guy”.

Basically, the idea behind IHAT that it’s a crossover AU between In Stars and Time and A Hat in Time, with AHIT characters in ISAT. The idea came from the similarity in names, hence the title In Hats and Time. Up until now, it’s just been a couple art wips, but now, I’m gonna write some stuff, so buckle up.

Picture this. Siffrin and Isabeau, lying down in the field, stargazing. It’s Act 4 (because that’s as far as I’ve gotten so far). Isabeau excitedly tells Siffrin to look—a shooting star! Oddly, he interrupted them, unlike every other time. As usual, Siffrin doesn’t wanna turn away. But the script calls for it, so they do—and they freeze. Burning across the sky is a massive ball of fire. Way too big to be a shooting star. And it’s getting bigger.

Meanwhile, on board the Spaceship (Mk. 14 Custom), Hat Kid is in a panic. There was some sort of distortion, the ship went haywire, and now she’s crashing through the atmosphere of an unknown planet. Bow Kid disappeared somewhere, which sucks because she would’ve been a big help right now. The computer is screaming something about “escape pod ejected” as she desperately pulls back on the controls. She manages to bring the ship up, but not enough to avoid crashing. She blacks out.

Siffrin is shook. Completely shook. Something new happened. New things aren’t supposed to happen. He doesn’t know what to do when new things happen. He blanks on all his lines when Bonnie, Mirabelle, and Odile show up. Nothing goes right.

That night, he can’t sleep. Can’t even pretend to sleep. So he sneaks out and goes to the banana peel. The meteor, or whatever it was, was weird. But it’s just a one-off. An outlier. If it keeps happening, then something’s gone wrong, but if it doesn’t happen again, then it’s okay. So he loops back to that morning. No harm, no foul.

So yeah! That’s basically how it starts. I’ll be posting more stuff as I write it, probably not in chronological order, but I’m also very worried that I’ll make a fool of myself by not knowing all the ISAT lore, so it’ll probably be slow until I beat the game.

(Edit: I put “as usual” twice, so I removed the second one. It was past midnight and I was tired. Don’t judge me.)

#ihat #in hats and time #isat spoilers #siffrin #isat siffrin #hat kid #ahit hat kid #cb answering stuff

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coolfire333 · 1 year

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Noisette, Comedy, and Femininity

I gotta admit I have no intentions of making this short so if you wanna read a dissertation on Noisette and her ties both to the ideas of comedy and femininity then read more below.

If not, tldr: Noisette has a unique presence as the only female character in pizza tower and despite her negatively stereotyped role as the Noise's annoying girlfriend, most of why she's funny in the game and especially in the comics does not originate as an attack on her femininity in some form; she's not silly because she's a woman, she's silly and happens to be a woman.

Ok so let's talk about Noisette.

Right off the bat we're introduced to her as an annoying character; more specifically, the Noise's obnoxious girlfriend who only serves to inconvenience him and get in his way, as shown in the end of his fight scene where she drags him off right before he's about to get the upper hand on Peppino and he's obviously frightened by what she's going to do to him:

However, despite playing this relatively sexist role of being the Noise's ball-and-chain girlfriend, Noisette's comedic elements otherwise don't rely on her gender or femininity in order to get laughs.

As seen in the above comics (and all other comics featuring Noisette), the punchline is simply that she's weird and silly.

Her gender and femininity never enters into the picture; you could replace her with the Noise or otherwise change her gender and the jokes would still land the same despite her not being female anymore.

Contrast this with the number of times comedic women have been portrayed either as performing femininity "wrong" or as being funny solely because they're feminine and you'll see that Noisette is actually an outlier here.

She's silly and awkward without that being intrinsically connected to her identity as a woman; she gets to be silly without that invalidating her femininity. We're not given the impression at all that people find her funny because it's odd that a woman is doing those things, rather it's shown as being weird for anyone to do what she does, ergo she is funny.

Additionally, she's feminine and a bit on the ditzy side without being a stereotypical, hypersexualized bimbo, someone we're supposed to find funny solely because of how feminine she is. She gets to wear a mask with big bunny ears and a bright pink dress and not be laughed at or demeaned. Her feminine appearance is simply presented as a neutral fact and not as a source of laughs.

Basically, her gender only matters as much as the other characters in pizza tower's genders do: it's just a detail about them that helps develop them further in the minds of the audience and isn't taken as a negative trait or something to be laughed at.

Personally, I am surprised that she ends up with this characterization, especially in the context of how she's initially negatively stereotyped as being "the annoying girlfriend." I also think it's refreshing to see silly female characters whose femininity/performance of femininity isn't the reason why the audience is supposed to laugh at them.

Personally speaking, as a funnywoman myself, it's nice to get to laugh alongside a female character without feeling like you're laughing at her in a cruel way or having your own femininity ridiculed and attacked in media. It's very nice :)

Anyways, if you've read this far, thank you for reading my silly little essay about my favorite silly little woman, I love writing about her in any capacity <3

#long post #pizza tower #noisette #talking #gif

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cowboyjen68 · 1 year

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hello, jen! i just wanted to say thank you because it is so comforting to have you around especially when you don’t have older butch women to look up to. i live in a third world country and that is why sometimes it gets too hard to imagine that i’ll get to mature from a baby butch into a full grown one and your presence is what makes this hellsite so home-y. thank you ^_^

Hi from Iowa. I can imagine, only in the most slight way, how hard it is to feel isolated and wanting to find mentors and friends who have been where you are now but not having any access those people. Growing up, and it is NOT the same thing as what you are going through, there was not much representation out there. The butch women I came accross were not vocal, or out so I could only guess that we shared something in common. I could not be sure.

I went from a tomboy to an awkard teen who didn't really fit in with the girls and the boys were outgrowing being friends with me as they hit puberty. I really did figure I would outgrow whatever it was that made me hate dresses, walk "like a man" and "act like a boy". I would often be told, "try to act more like a lady" or "Young women don't do that". I tried to conform but in my head I was constantly rolling around the thought of "why am I like this/" and "what is making me act different"? I knew that it took effort to be "same" but no work to just be me. This led me to believe I was broken because i had to try so hard to NOT be myself in order to gain cultural approval.

As I grew older, became more confident and met actual butches in real life, especially older ones who shared stories with me and let me know I was not alone or an outlier, that others were just like me, I became comfortable it just being me and stopped attempting conformity.

I hope that with the power of the internet, even on places like Tumblr, where I know things can be weird, you find some community and build your own confidence. It is for young butches like you that I maintain this blog and my other social media. I know how important it is to see your "future" in others and to have hope for a life free of constantly battling your own comfort for the expectations of others. I wish for you a life where you are free to just exist without the work to fit in or even to keep yourself safe.

#butch #lesbian #intergenerational lesbian mentorship #older butch #younger butch

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torchickentacos · 1 year

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AG Watchthrough Episode 1: Get the Show on the Road! AG001. Long Post, I promise they won't all be this long, this is AG commentary georg, outlier.

Well. Outlier until contest episodes. I won't apologize for who I become once we hit those. Anyways, RE: above. There's usually not TOO MUCH of a plot in AG eps to even comment on, hence this post as an outlier for the pilot episode. So! Starting a full AG watch. I have never fully watched all of AG by sitting down with the intent of watching all of it. I have seen all of it, but not in a directed, intentional, in-order way. Changing that today to really see how it holds up as a whole outside of the episodes I tend to gravitate towards! I don't think I'll realistically follow through with this for more than a week. Going to be honest. BUT I HOPE TO! We'll see. The plan is to watch episodes in bulk but schedule posts once a day. Posts will likely get pretty long for some episodes, short for others, because AG is wildly varying in 'things to talk about' episode to episode. Anyways, episode 1: Get the Show on the Road! AG001.

Side note. I think I will put this in relevant character tags if I have any commentary on specific characters. One, so I can find my own posts. But two, I know as someone who likes characters who don't always get a whole lot, it's SO EXCITING to see people talking about them, so on the off chance there's, like, a Morrison fan out there, I think I should put it there??? Like, I'll read Hoenn Coordinator commentary from 2013 to feel something, so I want to be able to provide that on my end, too. I'd be heartbroken if someone did an in depth ep-by-ep analysis on them but didn't tag it so nobody could see it. ANYWAYS!!! I'll play it by ear and do it when it feels relevant and not just 'yeah this person showed up, I guess'. I don't want to be annoying but also you can just block the #ag watchthrough tag. Or just block me, I guess lmao.

So, the episode opens where the last episode of Master Quest left off (OS274, Hoenn Alone). Basically, Pikachu has electric rabies and May is getting her first pokemon.

The episode opens with May giving her internal monologue/narration about starting her journey. She hits her head on a tree, which may explain some of her decisions later in the series (/joke), but she's on her way to Birch Lab to get her first pokemon. Does she want to? Not really, but she DOES want to travel and this is a way to accomplish that. This is instance one of what I'm dubbing 'Early AG Girlboss May'. (Basically, in Early AG May was more of a go-getter. Or rather, she had more agency and opportunities to get her own way. Early AG May is far more... frankly, shown to be intelligent, which drops off rather quickly in favor of big of heart, dumb of ass May [whom I do love dearly]. I think it's largely done to emphasize Ash's mentor role and her student role, but I digress). I can and will make a separate post on this if anyone wants my thoughts on her character inconsistencies. But for now, just know she's not a fan of pokemon but will deal with it to have a chance to travel the world. She has a goal, she will get it done and use what's at her disposal. Anyways, behold. A girlboss in her natural habitat.

Now, we switch to Ash and Pikachu, alone and Brock and Misty-less (well, until the mirage special. I'll... get to that when the time comes, I guess...sigh).

We also find out Jessie's been to Littleroot before. I, uh, don't know if that was ever expanded upon??????? WAIT same thing after iirc spontaneous combusken where she makes some comment about young love and heartache and stuff. Jessie has some weird backstory in Hoenn (well, SC is Kanto but yk) that I don't remember ever hearing more about? Huh. Anyways. You'll notice a pattern of this in AG, of random interesting details being brought up and immediately forgotten.

Back to Ash. No pokemon center in the town, so he's headed to the Lab, where May's headed too. Birch is 'out conducting an experiment', so Ash just hangs around until he can go to the lab.

IN COMES BIRCH WITH THE JEEP!!! Ash's uber is here.

After giving Pikachu a quick look-over, Birch explains that Pikachu can't release its electricity regularly so it's all building up and getting a bit explodey. Apparently it's due to magnetic field exposure, and I won't question the science or lack thereof. Birch, fascinatingly, doesn't question when Ash explains that Pikachu was strapped to a magnet. Anyways, Birch's driving remains amusing to me.

Look at him go. This is fine and normal. Average Maryland driver.

Anyways, they get to the lab and hook Pikachu up to, quote, 'A device that will rid Pikachu of all its trapped electricity'. It goes bad. Another pattern you'll notice in AG- lots of explosions. Not just Team Rocket blasting off (solarbeam, go), either, just... lots of general, everyday explosions.

So, Pikachu quite literally blows a hole in the side of the lab and escapes in a frenzied state. Ash runs after Pikachu with no other pokemon, Birch follows Ash with the three Hoenn starters, and Joshua the lab assistant is like "WAIT what about that girl we're going to give her first pokemon to- oh, okay bye I'll figure that out myself then".

Team Rocket's... here, I guess. Another AG pattern we'll notice. They show up. they blast off. they leave. rinse and repeat. Jessie is depressed this time around I guess.

Anyways, says Pikachu could explode at any sudden disturbance, so that's a hell of a way to start off here. New season with the beloved mascot? Yeah, he's about to explode. Sorry about that. So, Ash and Birch split up to look for the imminently detonative rodent.

Switching over to May now, who shows up at the lab. Joshua explains that Birch has an emergency in the mountains to deal with and asks May to wait there.

May does not wait there ("I've never been much good at waiting! Bye!"). Joshua uses one of his, like, four lines to complain about kids these days. Instance two of Early AG Girlboss May, having, uh, an actual choice that she can make that isn't just travelling with the group in the back until a contest episode and then going back to travelling with the group in the back. Brock and Max get this FAR worse, though, a topic for a few episodes later.

SO. Birch and Ash are split up looking for Pikachu still. Birch slips and falls and we get a reference to the opening of RS(E, but E has Zigzagoon iirc), with Birch being bullied by puppies. Take note of May's bike in the back. Last we'll be seeing of it. I wonder if she got a new one in the johto arc that we never got to see. Sigh.

We aren't quite halfway done with the episode yet.

Anyways, Birch asks her to help him out and to choose a pokeball. She chooses Mudkip, who promptly water guns her in the face. I guess Mudkip is like a horse or something, it can sense fear. Or rather, it can sense dry apathy and mild dislike. Birch directs Mudkip to use watergun on the Poochyena, which it does.

Ash finds Pikachu and is promptly electrocuted. Badly. But he's fine.

...He's fine, right?

Birch and May see the thunderbolt and rush on over. We get this line from Birch, which admittedly did make me laugh.

"Pikachu. It might explode."

LIKE. OKAY THEN! Way to tell it like it is, bud. Then, seeing Ash, he yells, "PIKACHU COULD EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT!" So, things are going absolutely perfectly great here. Pikachu panics at the noises and runs right off of a cliff, and Ash dives right after it.

We are interrupted by who's that pokemon.

It's Lanturn. 👍

Ash is falling, he catches Pikachu and a branch and is dangling. Birch and May get a rope and pull him up. Pikachu bites Ash and feels bad about it. Ash doesn't really acknowledge the random person there (May) but to be fair, he's got other stuff going on.

Team Rocket shows up. Pikachu blasts them off and releases electricity that way. Get REALLY USED to the team rocket portions being blown through like this. Just trust me on this, I'm doing us all a favor here. AG TR is REALLY FUNNY when they're funny!!! But... all the great one liners can't make up for the repetition of AG TR. Moving on. Pikachu feels better now (well, he passed out but isn't sick anymore), and....

Yep. Bike barbecue'd. 2 for 2 now, we all saw it coming, there it is!!!

They go back to the lab. May eavesdrops on Birch, Ash, and Joshua, and knocks over a flowerpot, alerting them to her presence. She introduces herself and Birch asks May to choose her first pokemon. Ash asks if Treecko is a water type. It is not. May chooses Torchic!!!!! Birch tells May that if she works hard, she can be an even better trainer than her father. I'm sure we all know who that is but it's meant to be a mystery at this point so let's all act intrigued.

I'm going to expedite the end of the episode. May inspects her bike, it's dead, she goes in and sees Ash asleep next to Pikachu and seems to think their bond is nice, even if she herself doesn't care for pokemon. She just watches them through the cracked door, slightly weird but go off queen, and she attempts to bond with Torchic.

NOW. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS GOING TO BE A RECURRING THEME. MAY IS TALLER THAN ASH IN THIS EPISODE. ALL THROUGHOUT AG, THE HEIGHTS ARE HILARIOUSLY DIFFERENT. I will be pointing out amusing examples of this. AG001: May is tallest. I am making a spreadsheet and keeping track. This gets far funnier when Morrison and Drew come into the picture and we get to just watch it wildly vary every single episode.

Now, Ash AND May are sent off to register for the Hoenn League in Oldale.

SO, this is interesting and another instance of Early AG Girlboss May. May doesn't want to go alone on foot, and her bike is ruined. So, she plays this pretensive game of "oh, my bike is ruined (thanks to you), and I don't want to travel alone on foot, if only there was some solution- OH I KNOW! Let's go together, I happen to know the way, it's no trouble at all, shall we?". This interests me because it shows... manipulation is the wrong word here, but again, like, it shows pretense?? that May generally lacks once her characterization firms up a bit. They're still figuring out writing her at this point, I guess, and we see her be more calculated and thinking and using things and situations and people to achieve her goals. Again, this does drop off into dumbass territory before too long, but it is interesting to see and to think about. When writing May I try to strike a balance- more emotionally intuitive and more of a go-getter like early ag, but not in that premeditated sort of way. She's interesting with the amount of wiggle room you have in her personality, because it simply isn't the most consistent. You get to pick and choose a bit more.

But the episode ends, and May and Ash head on over to Oldale town to register for the league.

End of episode metrics:

Height ranking: May > Ash.

More metrics will be added as we go on. I considered an explosion counter but I would lose track. We're already at like, six /not joking, deadass.

#ag watchthrough #i need to make a tag for when i watch pokeani as a whole #i have the regular tag i use completely arbitrarily and the trashcan for shitposts/memes and the talk tag #BECAUSE I NEED THEM SINCE THE SEARCH FUNCTION IS NOT AN ACTUAL THING THAT FUNCTIONS #uhhh #taylor watches pokemon #👍#i need to make a tag directory for myself tbh #anyways #pokeani #coordinator may #^I have nothing interesting to say about Ash here. might be a pattern.#there's a reason nobody watches AG for Ash. even when they do watch ag for ash plotlines #it's for cotds and battle frontier stuff #and not. ash.#LOVE ag ash!!!! but he's the least interesting thing about ag aside from some of the episodes themselves #I LOVE AG I PROMISE GUYS /GENUINE #I just love AG for reasons that we'll get to later and. not yet.#scheduled this post btw #halfway through this i got worried that people would think it was dumb that i was putting this much effort into pokeani stuff #but ONE this is my blog. TWO i'm doing the lord's work #THREE literally you guys are here to listen to me talk about pokeani so like. here we go

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missivesfromtroy · 1 year

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Gestures and the Pride Jersey-Tape Thing

I guess I start by saying I speak for no one but myself, but with things continuing apace, the urge to say something has gotten quite strong, even if it's only to myself, here on Tumblr dot com. I don't have hockey friends, my family has no history of hockey fandom. I'm a weird hockey outlier in my own life, so if I want to talk about this, I don't really have anywhere to get into it, except online. So here I be. Not because others haven't said anything, or that good points haven't been made, but because I feel like the loudest voices, both for and against, have been people who - for lack of a better term - don't have much skin in the game.

I've been reading the comments for months, watching the jubilant trolls seize this topic and run with it, regurgitate every tired cliché, exult in this mask-off moment. I've watched people push back, make arguments - some good, some not so good - and express their honest disappointment. Over and over, I've seen some variation - from both sides - of "it's only a jersey, what's the big deal?" And that's not a terrible question, but it's a simple question with a very complicated answer, one that touches on something the people in the community (and in other minority groups) know as a multi-faceted issue and a representation of something more amorphous than a shirt or being told we're "welcome," whatever people seem to think that means. Namely, the gesture of it meant some assurance of safety. And that has been stripped away because corporate NHL is worried about the brand.

But how so, safety? Let me tell you a story. It's a personal anecdote and I'm not claiming it isn't. I'm also not claiming to know what the people in the story were thinking or intending. I'm not a mind-reader. I can only tell you how the incident affected me and my experience that night. I can only tell you how that reaction informs my approach to hockey and hockey fandom, layered on top of all my other apprehensions and perceptions of hockey and hockey fandom. Not as a matter of fear, but as a matter of self-preservation - defensive driving, if you will. A sort of lifestyle mindset that certain people and groups have to adopt to move through the world in order to minimize the interference of other people's disgust with who they are in their daily lives.

Because that's what it is: disgust. But we'll come back to that. Story first.

For some background, right around the time I felt comfortable coming out more widely as ace and gray-romantic, it was 2015. Around the same time, there was a huge spike of homophobic assaults in Dallas' gay neighborhoods. Those assaults, which continued well into at least 2017, were specifically targeted at the community and resulted in damaged storefronts and serious injuries like concussions, stabbings, fractured eye sockets and skulls, and even one person being thrown onto a fire.

(To my knowledge, the only people ever arrested in the years following were two men who pled guilty to a separate campaign of targeting men on Grindr for muggings and homophobic attacks. These assaults were said to be perpetrated by a range of people, not just one individual or group of individuals. Still, no arrests.)

Sure, I lived in Fort Worth at the time, a fifty-minute drive from the Oak Lawn neighborhood. But Fort Worth is also more conservative than Dallas per capita and just in general, culturally. And I was already well aware that my gender non-conforming appearance, mild as it was on the scale of gender nonconformity, was losing me jobs and getting me attention that was dismissive at best and outwardly hostile at not-best. So I was careful coming out. I could lose work at first - I made a gradual switch of my employers and clients to prevent this. I told individual people, but didn't broadly share my identity with social groups, especially ones that had folks in them who advertised their “Southern pride” or GOP perspectives. I wasn't fully out until I moved to LA. Not because hate doesn't happen here, but because it's less culturally tolerated and worker protections are worlds better. The community was bigger too, even for aces. The relief of not having to watch out for yourself quite so aggressively was immense. Imperfect, but an improvement.

A year ago, in the 2021-2022 season, I made a point of going to the Pride Night game for my hockey team, the LA Kings, playing the Nashville Predators. There were guests, a special free hat giveaway, a community member sang the anthem, and the players wore warm up jerseys and used rainbow tape during warmups. It was nice to see, "welcoming" in a tangential sort of way. It was a gesture - minimal, but a gesture nonetheless. Of course, the players were participating as much as the organization provided ways to participate and it was all an initiative, but we'll come back to why that still actually matters, even to someone as cynical as I am.

Some time in the second period, a pair of young women who were sitting along the glass in the next section over to my left got on the jumbotron. They seemed to be a couple, or at least enough of a couple that they kissed for a bit while on camera. They were young and attractive, seemed to be there deliberately for Pride night, and followed the kissing up with dancing together during the breaks in play. They got on the jumbotron for the dancing at least one more time.

I wouldn't have thought anything more about it except that I became aware in stages that a trio of men to my right — in my row, but a few seats away — had become...intensely interested. There were two older men, retirement age, and one younger man, probably in his 30s. They weren't, to my recollection, wearing team-specific gear.

Now, lots of men come to games in multi-generational groups or in just their street clothes from earlier in the day (it was a weekday), so that wasn't odd. And I’ve of course overheard the “joke” over and over when the audience engagement part of the ice crew comes out that this is some dude’s “favorite part of the game.” While these sorts of comments are tiresome in the extreme, I’m not clutching my pearls over here any time some guy decides everyone in the vicinity needs to know he finds twenty-something, tightly-clad women sexually attractive. (To the Kings’ credit, they also have male audience engagement ice crew members, and the actual ice crew is dressed casually post-pandemic.)

What was odd was that the older men had the younger man film the two young women dancing from where we were sitting. The younger man was also instructed to take a picture of a gay man — a VIP guest, I believe, but not one I recognized — who rode on one of the Zambonis between periods. There was also a LGBTQIA+ veteran there as the usual "Hero of the Game" honoree, who was shown at least once on the jumbotron dancing with his guests (who were wearing queer-coded outfits), he in his uniform and all, clearly having a good time. That sparked a spirited conversation amongst the men in my row, not all of which I could hear because, y'know, a loud stadium with a hockey game going on. It captured their attention, I'll say, rather than hazarding a guess as to what exactly their take was.

Essentially, these three men were paying a lot of attention to the people who were visibly queer at the Pride Night game. Now, I've reasoned with myself since that maybe the older gentlemen were themselves members of the community and were reacting with enthusiasm. (Why they’d want video of the girls dancing, though — well, that’s where that reassurance falls apart.) In the moment, I lost track entirely of the game in front of me and became very aware that I was at the game alone. And that I was in the same row as these men, who were paying undue attention to queer-presenting folks and even recording them specifically. Situational awareness red flags were going off left and right, is what I'm saying. Enough so that I made sure I was following them out after the end of the game and not the other way around. Enough so that I kept an eye on those young women until I saw them get out of the building. Enough that I made sure I kept moving with the crowd on the way back to my car. Enough that I can't even remember if the Kings even won that night, just those men and the wariness that colored the back half of the evening for me.

I do remember a kid on the jumbotron waving the cheaply made Pride night themed hat after a goal, his parents cheering in the background. I remember seeing lots of cis-het presenting people wearing those hats. I remember initially feeling like the crowd had shown up knowing what night it was and that it would be a predominately supportive environment. I remember a warm feeling going cold and sitting still and trying to not draw attention. I remember creating a couple of exit and emergency plans in my head if I needed them. Later, I remember considering trading games for the 2022-2023 season’s Pride night game and deciding against it, even before all of this began, even knowing I sit in a different section now and that I never saw those men again for the rest of that season. Still, I opted to trade for the Dustin Brown retirement night instead. And I remember regretting missing out on the amazing Pride night jerseys the Kings wore for 2023 — seriously, not making a small commercial run of those? C'mon, now.

(Much love to the season ticket holder who very clearly wore the jersey he got from this year's Pride night auction to seemingly every game of the rest of the season. Those jerseys were amazing and deserved to be seen.)

Now, there's a very real argument that nothing happened, that I might have been reading into things. The problem of course being that there was no way of knowing that for sure unless something really did go pear shaped in some way. But after growing up in Texas and spending a lot of my early adulthood there, I know as well as anyone that a lot of racism and queerphobia and xenophobia and even misogyny is quiet in public — it's attention paid and hushed conversation in undertones and scoffing quietly until the doors are closed. Right up until it isn’t.

And that night, those men were giving that exact energy, whether or not they knew it or intended it that way. The recordings and photos taken rated a notch higher on the volume than usual and really tipped things over into a place I couldn't ignore.

And that's what I mean by "safety." That need to be on guard, to watch your back, and to spend more of your mental capacity at any given moment waiting for someone to lash out at you because, on some level that you can't control, they think that you deserve it. A lot of folks would assert that safety was never really at issue here, that I am making a mountain of a molehill. Fair enough, but that's exactly where the gestures and the Pride nights and the jerseys and the pride tape come in, if you'll stick with me.

There's a great episode of the first season of Welcome to Wrexham that deals with the masculinity and multi-generational bonding that is pro sports for its fans. It talks about how, for lots of men, they experience their highest of highs, their core formative male bonding moments with fathers and grandfathers and uncles, and are allowed to express their lowest lows in the context of sports fandom. It's an interesting thesis, though obviously incomplete in some ways. I'd say one of the incompletions has to do with the valorization of the players themselves as archetypes of ideal manhood.

Young, in peak physical condition, revered for their toughness and grit and highly specialized skill sets, often wealthy (at the highest levels of the sport, as in the NHL), well-dressed but still physically imposing, locally famous and in demand, with the perceived ability to sleep with, date, and marry the most beautiful of women and support their families to lavish, affluent lifestyles. Is this not the idealized modern North American man?

I think we can all generally agree that folks flock to sports fandom not just for love of the game, but for all sorts of reasons. One of those reasons is because it is a form of storytelling about how life could be, a sort of modern adventuring lifestyle that falls in line with all the things we tell men and boys they should try to become.

Now, of course, this manifests differently depending on age and other factors. Little kids, especially kids who play hockey, make heroes of players in different ways and for different reasons than teens and adults. Little kids, after all, value different things when they evaluate "coolness" than do teens and adults. For our purposes here, then, let's leave the hero worship of small children and kids aside and instead focus only on the ways in which players are role models to teens and adults.

In some ways, it's not quite fair that we make role models out of very young men, barely out of their own childhoods, who've spent much of at least the last ten years of their lives primarily focused on physical supremacy in their chosen sport. They won't have met many people or had many experiences outside that arena, though they may indeed have — strictly speaking — done more traveling and working shoulder-to-shoulder with people from other parts of the world than their average age mate. But we can all agree those engagements are still within the insular realm of hockey, where everything is pulling in that one direction.

They're asked to grow up fast in some ways while simultaneously living in a social bubble of sports, sports culture, and sports people. Still, young pro athletes have hit the lottery of time, resources, and genetics to enter a tiny, highly competitive professional field in the, let's face it, wider entertainment industry. That comes with a degree of public interest in and attention to their choices, actions, and behaviors. They become role models and idols by mere virtue of the fact that they are highly visible to the public and have more access to a broad platform. Players advertise things quite literally at times - gear and services and such, obviously. Sometimes, that's by virtue of team level contracts and sometimes, they are individually contracted as spokespeople.

None of this is new information, but I can hear the furious clacking of keyboards now, in a comment section somewhere on The Athletic or Deadspin, confidently asserting that "if you make decisions based off what a player does, then you're an idiot." This is the standard rebuttal to the argument that entertainment public figures like actors, musicians, pro players, etc. are role models; that to be influenced by a public figure is foolish. It is, of course, quite a foolish assertion in itself. It leans on the practical understanding that to literally and unthinkingly do what someone tells you is foolish, while ignoring that the vast majority of decisions people make, even just around sports fandom — like which jersey number to buy, as a for instance — are highly influenced decisions.

Sure, your personal taste comes into play, but there's a reason advertisers pay to have their logo on the ice or to have an deer-in-the-headlights 24 year old winger deliver a line of ad copy in his flat-est monotone against a white background. It's because they lend a sense of legitimacy to the brand, a sense of authenticity. Hospitals and insurance companies pay AEG top dollar to heavily imply that the LA Kings players get their medical services. That kind of bump, over and over again, says that "hey, these guys who need to be in top physical condition and often get injured, well they vouch as a team for this medical system. Maybe that'll work for me." We all know this is happening, all the time. There's no shame in being influenced, but so too is there no honesty in pretending that there isn't influence being traded on.

So, here are these young men — archetypical ideals according to Western standards of wealthy, predominately white, young, heterosexual, “red-blooded” men who have a physical-but-cool job and access to absurd resources and beautiful women — and the teens and adults who watch them track their stats, their accomplishments, their successes. In a lot of ways, they're interchangeable to the wider fanbase, especially as stat-tracking has become ascendant. Still, and very much in hockey specifically, there is a culture that projects goodness and a specific kind of virtue onto these players. There is an admiration that fans and the public more generally have for players. Team social media posts their outfits, their workouts, their relationships. It is not the hero worship of children, but they are role models for their adolescent and adult fans all the same. Their approval, for lack of a better word, comes to matter, comes to model what is cool, what is good, what is acceptable.

You see where I’m going with this? A player, wearing a jersey, says “this is acceptable.” A player, wrapping his stick in Pride tape, says to that audience of teens and adults, “hey, don’t be a dick, because these people are acceptable.” It says that disgust and displays of disgust are not acceptable. (There's that word again!) Sure, he only does it for a couple of minutes on an unaired portion of the in-arena game night production, but it says to those three guys to my right on that Pride Night, “hey, you won’t be in step with us players and the team as an institution if you bring homophobia to the table with your fandom.” It says to people in the community, “hey, you don’t have to keep your interest in the team at home, you can be enthusiastic about hockey without fear of backlash that you’re not ‘right’ for the sport.”

Is that a flimsy assurance when said aloud? Sure. The truth of the message is paper thin even on a good day when you pressure test it in the real world of the men’s hockey universe. But we’re talking about the unspoken conversations that happen around the appearance of inclusion and welcome. The appearance of welcome is a powerful thing when it comes to increasing the level of safety the community feels in approaching hockey in-person. Because that appearance acts as an unspoken buffer; it says “if you jump the queer person in your row after the game because they don’t ‘belong,’ we the team might take your in-person hockey rights away because we align with being welcoming.” The conglomerates running the hockey teams decided to align with being welcoming rather than exclusive and openly disgusted by diversity because they want revenue from every kind of group they can get — what is capitalism if not the pursuit of endless growth, amirite? But the players, the coaches, the staff — they can, if they choose, use their platform provided by the late-stage capitalism of the sports entertainment industry, be visible examples of the welcome provided to anyone who enjoys the sport. They can provide that extra incentive, with their unspoken indication of acceptability, to not be a dick outwardly, even if you’re a dick inwardly. And that makes the community safer, even beyond the realm of hockey, because these men are the ideal, right?

If your heroic ideal of manhood says being a dick isn’t part of the ideal, well, some people will still be dicks. There were plenty of apologists during this whole conversation that declared with their whole chests that they don’t think any of the current hockey players really believe in broad acceptance or inclusion — they are, as the assertion goes, just putting on the uniform handed to them and making nice for the cameras because it gets butts in seats, which is part of their job.

And yeah, that’s probably true for a lot of the guys on a lot of the nights. “Here’s a St. Patrick’s jersey, have a great game, Kopi, our proud Slovenian captain.” I’m sure Kopi pulls the sweater on and then off again for most of these theme nights while running game strategy in his head and thinking no more about it, kind of like all of the non-American, non-Canadian players stand during the national anthems trying not to be too obvious that they’re just waiting to get going and hoping their muscles don’t start to cool as they all stand around for a few minutes listening to someone warble out an anthem they don’t identify with.

And, in specific terms for the Pride jersey brouhaha, don’t think it escaped my notice that Vladislav Gavrikov wore a Pride jersey in Philly the night of Provorov’s abstention and then wore a Pride jersey again after being traded to the Kings a few weeks later — all without a peep. I don’t have any idea what his personal opinions are, except that he wasn’t taking it personally or publicly that he was asked to participate on either occasion.

These things are gimmicks a lot of the time, a way to spice up the in-arena production and reach out to other communities in the host team’s city. That’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing. Going to a pro game with no bells and whistles at all, on the production level of a kids’ municipal soccer team match, wouldn’t justify the ticket price. They have to make it an event, but that event needs to draw in the curious and the on-the-fence, not just the die-hards. Which means you need to make a gesture to those groups that aren't already bought in, or who are rightly wary of your in-group culture.

But we also live in a culture that highly esteems authenticity, so there needs to be more than a vague gesture — which is where the outreach and the initiatives come in. You couldn’t just say “Hockey fights cancer,” and do nothing else about that statement. It would be insincere in the extreme, right? So there’s a fundraiser, there’s outreach to the communities affected, there’s visibility for survivors — there’s some authenticity to the gesture, even if, at the end of the day, it’s a corporate gesture.

So, a level of authenticity in the gesture and the idealized image demonstrating acceptance. This is what the Pride jerseys and the Pride tape mean. They mean, in the simplest terms, a visible lack of disgust for difference. Are they incomplete efforts? Yes, but they are efforts. They are a projection of safety — of the intention of safety — for the community to join in the sport of hockey in public. That’s so very far from nothing, and the loss is substantial when they’re taken away from the most visible part of hockey: the players on ice.

So here's where we get back to disgust. The thing that drives, for instance, the 2015-2017 homophobic attacks in Dallas, the 2010s serial killer of gay men in Toronto, and others, is cultivated disgust that has been set loose and targeted at someone who does not conform to whatever is the attacker's idealized way of life. This disgust is taught, but it always needs a catalyst or an excuse to be expressed. So, here comes religion, politics, or a desire for unchallenging homogeneity to preserve an artificial sense of order. Whoever fails to adhere becomes an object of encouraged disgust.

So now we have an excuse (and often the originating instruction itself) for the disgust to act itself out, for the "other" to be punished with everything from ostracization to outright violence. This seems extreme? Consider Reimer's bland Evangelical-Christianese statement trying, as is so often the case, to have it both ways:

"...I have no hate in my heart for anyone and I have always strived [sic] to treat everyone that I encounter with respect and kindness. In this specific instance, I am choosing not to endorse something that is counter to my personal convictions which are based on the Bible, the highest authority in my life. I strongly believe that every person has value and worth and the LGBTQIA+ community, like all others, should be welcomed in all aspects of the game of hockey."

In essence: I love everybody and I respect everybody, but I just can't get behind wearing this jersey. Right? But the thing is, if you're allowing your disgust, however latent or unacknowledged, to dictate to you that you may be intolerant of the acceptance or the presence of the outward visibility of another group of people, then that's ultimately intolerance. You can't make the rational argument that it isn't.

(And before anybody jumps down my craw about "oh, well, it's always progressive people who want tolerance, but then are intolerant to those who don't agree," listen, bud. You and I are neither of us going to pretend you haven't heard of the Paradox of Tolerance on Tumblr dot com. Let's not be silly.)

Now, I think I speak with a lot of marginalized folks of one kind or another that we would rather have the James Reimer statement, that players self-identify as someone who is ultimately intolerant — someone who harbors this unchallenged disgust — than to be given a sugar coating of sameness and a big branded curtain for all individual beliefs to hide behind. I'm all for continuing to wear jerseys and individual players just opting out of wearing the themed jerseys during warm-ups and wearing their game jersey instead. If that's what the players want to do, by all means, tell me that you harbor this deep-seated disgust for who I am or who someone else is and that we are not adhering to your idealized concept of the "correct" way to be human.

But, in this effort by Bettman and Co. to protect and shield the NHL from any possible scandal or discussion of difference or question of professed ideals for the industry by simply refusing to acknowledge that friction may exist, Bettman has — in effect — done exactly what the Paradox of Tolerance grapples with. He has allowed intolerance to take over the supposedly tolerant atmosphere and win out over a model of broad acceptance.

And all of this in an effort to keep players from being individuals with individual personalities and beliefs that might challenge the primacy of the NHL brand overall. The community loses safety for the maintenance of a corporate brand. Every community loses inclusion, acceptance, and safety for the maintenance of a corporate brand. That’s the bit to get cynical over; not the fact that they ever made the gesture in the first place, but that the brand, the cup, the club is so flimsy that it can’t take the individualism of the players employed by it.

People would much rather know from a player abstaining from a special jersey during warm-ups, unpunished by fines but still visible, whether they’re safe with them, rather than for the NHL to cover everyone up and make fandom for marginalized folks an absolute crap shoot again for the sake of the brand. Since we were talking about unspoken gestures before, this too is an unspoken gesture — that queer people in particular are less important than the brand, and that the NHL’s professed commitment to broad inclusion is as flimsy as wet cardboard in a hurricane.

And it’s not just fans who are hearing that — it’s players too, current and future. Why struggle against an obviously antagonistic tide in hockey if there’s no commitment, even just a gesture, to your safety and acceptability within the sport? Lots of players of various communities have fought back against that tide and succeeded, but so, so many have given up and walked away. It should be a little less cute and little more concerning how many dynasties and sibling groups are in the NHL. It’s a ready indication that the pool of pro candidates hasn’t gotten all that much wider in the last twenty, thirty years. The next twenty aren’t looking all that much better at present.

And, if it needs saying, Bettman and Co. have also stripped out players' ability to express their tolerance and enthusiasm for diversity in the sport. Players no longer have the ability to do the most visible part of the supposed gesture of NHL tolerance, the "hockey is for everyone" demonstration, however limited it was. If the players, at least a handful of them, aren't buying in, then shut it all down and revert to the ironclad homogeneity of the NHL as squeaky clean, predominately white "good ol' boys" who never have a public-facing opinion that isn't in hockey PR speak. Individualism is dead from all sides and all we got is this lousy t-shirt. Oh, wait.

Although we know that's breaking down anyway. Although we've already heard individual players don't want to be gagged on this subject or on any of the other community subjects. I have to imagine the Hockey Diversity Alliance isn't liking the headwinds coming out of this kerfuffle.

But what about players being "cancelled," you say? First, point me to a person who's actually been cancelled. Second, it is impossible for a minority group of fans to do anything to these guys except not like them. They're all insulated within the hockey world. Nothing that gets said is going to really rattle that insulation. Sure, there could be one crazy outlier, but for the most part, these dudes probably wouldn't even notice a difference.

And, as to the "keep politics out of sports" argument: being alive is political. If you haven't figured that out yet, it's because the politics of life have mostly been in your favor up to this point. Maybe look around a bit and figure that glaringly obvious reality out for yourself.

So sure, it’s just a shirt. Sure, it’s just tape. Why does it matter? It matters because it’s a huge step back. It matters because it rescinds the most important part of the gesture — that the team will use their platform and briefly model the acceptability of diverse people into the sport. Everything else is happening offscreen, if you will. It’s big tax-deductible checks and handshakes and press releases, most of which the fans never look at, hear about, or pay attention to. But the players, if they choose, could be highly visible, could participate in the loudest gesture the NHL seems capable of making — that of the players making practice shots while studiously ignoring fans for ten minutes — and the NHL brand got scared by any indication that their players might be individuals and took that away.

So yeah, it matters. And it is extremely disheartening that 7 dudes just made the whole prospect of going to games that much more dicey for people in marginalized communities, especially the queer community.

TL;DR Gary Bettman sucks.

#long post #nhl #pride jersey #lgbtq community #hockey #hockey is for everyone #in theory #la kings #los angeles kings #thinky thoughts

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gillianthecat · 2 years

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hi gillian! you have so much to say about all the bls you watch (this is definitely not a bad thing, i enjoy reading what other people think about our shared interests) but i was just wondering how did you survive being a lurker? did you write your thoughts anywhere or did you just kept them to yourself? i struggle with this myself, i feel like i have so much to say about everything, but i don't really say it or share it, i happily read other people's opinions and silently agree or disagree idek where i'm going with this lmao i guess i'm just curious to know such a "talkative" and person as you was once a lurker

Hi Anon!

So interestingly, when I was a lurker I didn't watch BL at all, barely knew what it was. I joined Tumblr because of a hockey romance writer (Taylor Fitzpatrick, I'm still a big fan of her work) and then mostly started following fanfic writers. Because I mostly read fanfic for media I don't read/watch or for sports RPF in sports I don't follow (which I know makes me a bit of an outlier) I didn't have much to say about the source materials. And because my tendency when writing about stuff is to be pretty analytical and to pick works apart even when I love them, that wasn't something I was going to do in public on tumblr where any of the authors (many of whom I followed) could see it. That just felt invasive. All of which is to say, being a lurker came very naturally to me at the time; it honestly didn't really occur to me to do anything else. And I didn't write my thoughts down or share them with anyone else, my fanfic reading (indeed most of my reading) had always felt like a private part of myself. I had plenty of thoughts and comparative analyses, etc, but it just kind of bubbled up in my brain and then disappeared.

My transition into posting on here about BL happened fairly spontaneously, pretty much immediately after I started watching BL; I don't really remember consciously deciding to make that change. Perhaps I did, and it's fallen out of my mind, I do remember being a little anxious the first time I reblogged something with comments of my own, feeling worried that I would bother people or people would think I was weird or something. On the other hand, my reblog was about Pete and Vegas' kink-filled explicit sex scene, so I must not have been that nervous 😂 I do remember tagging a lot of my posts "#my ramblings" early on; that self depreciation helped me mitigate my self-consciousness about whether my words were "worthwhile." Which I've come to the surety (at least on most days) is a meaningless concept here on tumblr, people can follow you or block you, you're not forcing your words in anyone's face. Seeing all the silly stuff that does get posted has helped me get over the feeling that I'm supposed to be making "worthwhile" content.

It's very freeing (especially as a former perfectionist who once felt she had to read and analyze every single one of an author's dozen or so novels* in order to write a term paper on him) to realize that I don't have to be an expert on anything to write about it on here. I can write in the voice that I want to, and use too many adjectives and adverbs and run-on sentences, and not feel like I have to write concisely or "properly" or even "understandably" if I don't feel like it. I can just share my thoughts and reactions and even be wrong (gasp!) or ignorant (the horrors!) and nothing bad will happen. I've been fortunate in that no one has been hateful or even slightly rude to me yet (the QL community seems particularly kind, even for tumblr), but if it ever does happen, that block button is a powerful tool.

One interesting side effect (or perhaps cause, who knows how these chains of causality are linked) is that I almost never watch episodes of shows straight through anymore. I used to be a binge watcher, a whole season (or more!) in one go with barely a break. Now I almost always pause many many times an episode. Sometimes just to take a break, sometimes to write down my thoughts in the notes app or something (i'll often have two devices in front of me at once, or switch back and forth between apps/tabs/programs) or to liveblog here on tumblr. I'm now pretty much incapable of watching a show without feeling the urge to write about it. Which is both good and bad 🤷🏻‍♀️

In terms of what actually happened to get me posting: I think sometimes (like today) my brain just overflows and then I start writing and the self-consciousness mostly falls to the wayside. Which isn't a helpful suggestion if that's not what your brain does, but it is what happened.

The Advice Part:

I have a couple of ideas for you, based on possible things that could be holding you back from participating. If it's that you feel self-conscious, you can keep doing what you're doing now and sending anonymous thoughts to other bloggers. Not everyone accepts anon asks, but most people who do are happy to publish them and have a conversation with people on anon. Or you could create a sideblog, or even an entire separate blog that you use to post your thoughts about BL, in a way that might feel even more safely anonymous than your regular tumblr. You don't even have to tag anything or follow anyone if you want the cocoon of being relatively invisible while expressing your thoughts. Then, if that starts to feel more comfortable you could start tagging, or reblogging other people's stuff, and start sharing your ideas more publicly. Or stay in that cocoon forever; there is no reason to leave if that's what feels comfortable!

Or you could start (assuming you don't already) by reblogging stuff and adding comments in the tags. And if that starts to feel less scary, or like not enough room for what you want to say, you could shift to reblogging with comments in the... whatever its called, the not tags. And replying rather than reblogging might feel a little safer - it's not quite so public, only the original poster or those who intentionally look into the notes will see it.

If the issue is that you feel overwhelmed by all your ideas, or all the shows, you could pick one or two shows to talk about. Or one or two bloggers to reply to. Or set a goal for yourself of one post a week/a day/whatever works. Just something to create some structure for yourself to make it feel less overwhelming.

Looking back over your ask, I'm not even sure you were looking for advice, but... uh... here some is anyways? Feel free to write back! With questions about this, anything else, or just to chat some more. Or for an anonymous venue for your thoughts!

(One last piece of practical advice, inspired by my computer just dying on me as I was finishing this up. Save Your Drafts! Save early and often. Save whenever you have to navigate away from the editing page. Most of the time the post editor is pretty good. And it even has an autosave function now, at least sometimes, under certain conditions. Which has saved me before from losing stuff, but it's not a surefire thing. So, since it's a pain to try and recreate something painstakingly written, I do highly recommend saving early and often.)

*the novelist was Ayi Kwei Armah, for anyone curious. and it must have been less than a dozen books. but it felt like a lot. sadly I remember very little of either the books or the term paper now.

p.s. I am like so unbelievably flattered by you coming to me for advice and wanting to know my story. i'm flattered by any and all asks i've ever gotten, really. so thank you 😊

#my ramblings #wow that's a lot of words #which were tags i used a bunch early on #but feel appropriate to add here #gillianthecat likes to talk about herself #which i always kind of knew by tumblr has freed me up to actually do it #anon asks #asks answered #advice #about gillianthecat #e

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mellowgoop · 2 years

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tumblr gave me music thoughts so now tumblr has to recieve said music thoughts...

context of cute manga teasing aside the take op was into hit such a nerve because like... are we just at a point where we call all the stuff music fans once thought was impressive "mid" (bad) in order to look smart?? I heard some kids on campus bashing like a ton of other classic rock bands and saying like Nirvana was trash the only truly good band was X

AND ITS fine to get to that place like whatever, we're people and those are always the thoughts we end up at... but there's nothing true about it with music imo

if you're saying AC/DC is mid because it's just generic and simplistic then are you trying to say you value originality? because it feels like bands that get too far in the weeds with complicated music and weird vibes like Radiohead get praised as the coolest thing ever during the time that they're the most intentional and creative thing that a person has heard and then they just find something more complicated and more intentional that speaks to them more and forget about the last thing until they're listening to 17/4 bossa jazz from ireland because its the Only Thing that speaks to them and that's definitely not the core of originality, that's just your personal taste

I understand wanting to toss out old opinions when they were once used to say that all pop music was junk and overly simplistic but if youre just going to say that your favorite indie band Dopus Popus is the one true artistically inspired band because it uses the sharp seventh chords that speak to your soul you're doing the same thing that Radiohead fans did before

maybe this is junk I definitely don't always have the best perspective on music but in my mind there are two poles where there's simple stuff that resonates with people widely like pop music using tried and true formulas and then an ocean of things going in their own direction with all kinds of more complex stuff that speaks to less people but more deeply

I could see getting mad at what people used to call the most interesting and innovative popular rock bands because they don't go far enough in either direction, these days being too artsy and self-centered to appeal to daywalkers but not artsy enough to be sophisticated "cool"

but now you're just putting them in the middle of a chart where the coordinates are just how much secret spice they used and how much they deviated from what was popular and you're kind of just hunting for outliers in a matrix of data at that point

I think there's a huge value in simple pop music that works for lots of people and a ton of value and music that uses lots of tools to create something fresh and rich and complicated and all that stuff in the middle has value too because, and this is a good part

~taste is so fucking subjective~

maybe I'm out of touch with the objective measurements people use for music these days but being pretty plugged into games I just think it's so much easier to spot a bad game (literal bugs and issues we all know are missing or dry mechanics that engage nonody) then it is to spot bad music because Ballon Wonder World is probably never going to appeal to anybody on that deep of a level but any once-innovative now-forgotten rock band still has the potential to mean so much to so many people and that's where I place value for sure, as pretty much a retired music critic of some kind at this point

and to be blunt most of the people I know who studied music and really associated their identities with it ended up in the same trap of finding the sound that spoke to them and, because they had to go off the beaten path for it and can see the artistic merit that sets it aside from what they don't like, think it's God's gift to man and look down at everybody who doesn't like it

when we are comparing apples to oranges to bananas and pears and changing up whats "objectively mid" every once in a while based on how many seeds it has or how hard it is to peel

#thoughts

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3liza · 3 years

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talking about flters and real beauty vs fake beauty and cultural standards etc always makes me think about all the victorian and edwardian novels i read, where the things that people thought about beauty were recorded at length. recently ive been reading a lot of Thomas Hardy (best known for Tess of the D’Urbervilles and Jude the Obscure) and there’s so much discussion of the beauty of people, particularly love interests, both men and women. and these writers, and their eras, and the culture of the eras, was of course obsessed with beauty and youth and also artificial beauty (being the eras of the really transformative corsets, not to mention some of the earliest industrialized or modernized beauty products or processes), as all human societies are to a greater or lesser extent in their own ways, but the thing that sticks out to me in reading these books is how beauty is not the singular or even the most important aspect of a person’s overall attraction. if someone has a beautiful face or figure, it is mentioned, but never to the obsessive, fixated extent that physical beauty is isolated from and elevated over all other features in modern american/western culture. there are plenty of protagonists or love interests in these books who are described as not young, or not remarkable, or not pretty, or even ugly or frightening, but nevertheless compellingly sexy and attractive, or simply interesting, or worthy in some way.

its weird that the cultural consciousness has become seemingly ignorant of non-physical attraction. like that anon that was in my inbox talking about how they were “normal looking’ and therefore “needed” filters in order to “compete” with attractive people. it’s a weirdly mercenary and capitalist view of the social economy, first of all, which absolutely is not zero-sum no matter how badly the social networks want to convince us that it is. but there was never a single mention from that person about their ability to charm or entertain or attract using anything except a fake photo of themselves. wild. im fuckin worried about them! im worried about every young person how has brain worms

when i was about 4 and starting to become aware of how much adults were obsessed with my appearance because i was dainty and blonde and could do a passable shirley temple imitation, my parents gave me a very serious lecture about what physical beauty actually meant: i didn’t work for it (yet, i mean i do a lot of work now as an adult), it was given to me genetically. and someday, maybe sooner or more suddenly than anyone could predict, it would be gone. if accident, illness, or hardship didnt get me, old age eventually would. so with that being a certainty, i had better build a life and a personality on something other than my looks. and i said, ok. every day i get older im more grateful for that advice and the fact i decided to take it to heart instead of trying to gamble on Being Hot for long enough to get job security. which is also a valid career choice but it’s a risky one. always better to have a fallback just in case.

im of an age rn where a lot of women in my peer group are starting to get a very hunted vibe about the impending end of their youth, which is valid. theres nothing foolish about it, its not their fault, theyre not stupid or somehow lacking because this is an issue in their lives. but im noticing that i am significantly less freaked out by, idk, how long ago the 90s were or whatever, because i have been expecting to get old since i was in kindergarten. and i had adults around me who were just like “hey this is what old people look like and what bodies do over time. its not a big deal. everything on tv is fake btw”. i didnt get out unscathed, ive had eating disorders and all sort of weird brain-body problems.

my advice i guess if i have any is to go outside and really look around you. notice how almost every single woman, and most men, has at least some cellulite, even if its just when theyre sitting down or whatever. notice how everyone has blemishes and zits. most people have some dandruff. if someone is wearing makeup, it’ll be cakey or balled up or smeared or uneven or clumpy even if it’s just a bit. everyone over the age of about 20 will have stretch marks somewhere, even if they aren’t visible except in certain light. i was under the impression i didnt have many until one time seeing a picture of my butt in FULL natural light and finally saw the entire surface of both cheeks was covered in straitions, they just were hard to see most of the time because im the color of drywall and scars tend to be light. it’s really easy to spot hair extensions and wigs and fake nails and fake tans and shapewear once you figure out how to see it. and none of these things take away from someone’s character.

there’s a strong argument to be made that when corsetry was the norm, no woman was expected to simply be the shape of the corset unless she was actually wearing it. photographs and drawings of women in the 19th and early 20th century were retouched a bit as all photos have been, yes, but they were not retouched to make naked women appear to be corset-shaped. THAT is new. people are now getting surgery to be corset-shaped. and like, i dont think anyone should not be able to look however they want if they want to have that surgery. that is one meaning of cyborg feminism, probably. what i dont want, is for anyone to ever think that’s a normal way to look (except for veryvery tiny mathematical outliers, the Barbie Hips Georg of instagram) WITHOUT surgery or shapewear. which i see a lot now. i saw an instagram fashion designer with a very obviously surgically-altered body answer a question in her inbox about how she maintained her figure with some nonsense about diet and exercise. so now some (probably young) person out there is thinking that if they just do intermittent fasting enough, theyll look like a woman with butt and boob implants, a BBL, fillers, etc. that person probably thinks that if they arent able to diet and exercise good enough, they will fail at looking that way through their own laziness and lack of work ethic or whatever. i see that mindset constantly, especially in young women.

the surgery isnt the issue. the look itself isnt the issue. the filters themselves arent the issue. the issue is that on none of these images, is there an indication of what has been changed or how. the brain damage effect of filters would be lessened, i think, if everyone KNEW which images had been altered and how. so maybe thats the answer? mandatory labeling? i dont know. what’s terrifying is that the average adult human in america cant tell from a glance what has been altered in a photograph, no matter how clumsily, because they simply dont have a template for what a real human looks like anymore. the false images have supplanted the real images, the actual memories of alive humans that you know and have met or lived with.

if you go into any of the shittier men’s spaces online you will find threads for posting pictures of “beautiful girls”, and it is page after page after page of teenagers in full makeup, hair extensions or wigs, circle lenses, facetuned, bodytuned, surgery, etc, and then hundreds of men yearning and fanning themselves over her “natural beauty”. dont go looking for this stuff, it will permanently fuck you up to know what a basic guy on the bus is thinking about women every day. dont do it

but i also seriously predict a backlash into “natural” looks after this current madness, similarly to how the 1960s saw the rise of the hippie girl with swingin titties, pit hair and no high heels after the consumer beauty madness of the 50s. of course the 60s beauty ideals were in some ways just as fake, but there was some authentic yearning towards a freedom from capitalist bodies as well. so when that happens send me $20: paypal.me/3liza. should be in like the next 4 years or so. thanks

#filters #blog #hell world #long post

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shinjukuspiritcommittee · 2 years

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The shippost

Shipping in Housamo

Hi, hello. You probably know me as the one who writes a lot of the headcanons you read on this blog. Which is true and we are gonna talk about something along those lines- We're gonna be talking about ships and dynamics with the cast of Tokyo Afterschool Summoners- Hey wait where ya going!? Come back! I know this isn't exactly what everyone signed up to see, but I think that there is something worth talking about because in our game of 200+ characters ships are bound to happen and how we view those ships because it sort of gives us an idea on how these characters interact. Also just because I wanted to talk about it cuz I've been kind of on a shipping spree as it were. Now obviously we aren't going to cover every last possible ship in this game because there is in fact a lot of them, but I will try to cast a net over a lot of pairings just to make sure to have as broad of a reach as possible. And I believe the best way to go about it is to organize it is by my own personal least-shipped pair to my most-shipped pair, with two in between categories for light and moderate. Though there is one outlier I feel I should mention

MC Ships- Literally whoever. This portion of the post can be filled with quite literally whatever you want. If you want to ship the main character with your favorites, polyamory, or just something platonic is totally fine. This post is probably going to say more about me than it will about you. Basically these are just my opinions and you're more than free to agree or disagree, nor will they be in any significant order since that would take too long to sort through.

Least Ship- These are the ones that I don't find very appealing and I feel I have to explain the most. So to start... Yasuyori and Tanetomo- So we're starting this off... on an interesting note. Now on a surface level this probably seems like a weird point to start on. We see the two often exchanging romantic banter, they were introduced together and both are members of the Hakkenshi so they have some shared history. Well if you dig a little deeper and keep reading more and more of their dynamic it doesn't take long to realize this relationship is incredibly toxic. Tanetomo is very manipulative and dishonest a lot of the time and he constantly undermines Yasuyori by belittling his more earnest attempts at affection. I can't say Yasuyori wouldn't be totally in the right mostly because he'd probably excuse all that because he'd be convinced they're in love and that's just what couples do. Also, like with the few others that will populate this part of this segment I just think they have better pairings with other characters that have the potential to tell more interesting stories or are just cuter dynamics.

Perun and Shinya- This is chapter 13 spoilers, and there isn't a lot of context for it and I don't think anyone does. Nor won't after digging for chapter 13 information. But it's very very "not good". To avoid spoilers I'm not gonna divulge much since this is still fresh, but just given recent developments it's... a lot. No one's really talked about the possibility and I pray it never comes up again.

Literally Hogen and anyone- Hogen, despite being quite attractive and... "flirtatious", I don't see him being very committed to one person. Especially cuz he hits on anything and everything with a pulse. So him trying to get closer to someone feels a bit odd to me.

Horus and Seth- Haha, gross~

Takemaru and Suzuka- Bitter exes or something along those lines. While Takemaru wants to try and be friendly it's very clear Suzuka is having none of that. Just more of a dynamic that comes from it's old legend.

Suzuka and Gunzo- I mean they're both kinda just teens... living in the moment? I'm only bringing this up because of the date quest and Akashi memes. I don't see it especially since they don't have any sort of prior interactions. Nor do either have any indication they'd be into each other if they did meet. It's just a very bizarre detail that has yet to get any sort of follow up.

Benten and Kuniyoshi- Benten would try to murder Kuniyoshi, and not in a funny way.

Hati and Nyarlahotep- They look and sound like a couple on the surface, but you have to remember Nyarl did egg Hati on to perform a kidnapping. Sure they accepted him into the guild but Nyarl being too chaotic could cause Hati more trouble than it's worth.

Shiro and Kengo- Last one I'm gonna talk about during this portion because I feel this sort of serves as a nice bridging point between this segment and the next one because for this one it kinda feels like the pieces are there, but there isn't enough follow up to push them into that tier of interest for me. But more importantly what drags it down for me is that Shiro doesn't really respect or trust Kengo much. Kengo deserves it once in a while, like using guild money to buy training equipment kinda goofs, but not all the time. And while Kengo actively avoids Shiro I can't blame him because if your friend always yelled at you for everything chances are you'd wanna avoid that friend out of concern for conflict. The two can mature or at least be mature, but they're never more willing to compromise with each other. At least not enough to become boyfriends I think.

Somewhat Ships: This portion centers more on light hearted ships. These aren't ones to take uber seriously but bring a smile to my face thinking about them, or ships I would like to see explored a bit more in depth.

Snow and Melusine- One that should be in the previous tier but it just kinda makes me laugh to imagine these two at each other one moment only to be having a passionate exchange the next.

Kurogane and Amatsumara- I don't begrudge this one, but Amatsumara is the one who raised Kurogane and watches out for the Crafters as a whole.

Kurogane and Takemaru- Kind of always saw them as more younger brother, older brother dynamic since Kurogane in Setsubun was very easy to excite and just wanted to talk to Takemaru. But this is another one that I do understand in some respects because they aren't officially related so those feelings could blossom into something more.

Shinya and Temujin- Better than the other Shinya one I brought up, but still not that much better since Temujin isn't all that great of a guy a lot of the time either. But at the very least he's very courteous with Shinya, patient and we've seen him pull Shinya out of a tight spot. And Shinya is just very accepting of people so it's not like he would be the type to turn down kind gestures so suddenly. But the main story is... a complicated case so I don't feel confident putting them any higher.

Gyumao and Shennong- They have some fun banter in Sunrise New Years aka Moo Years. Gyumao goes out of his way to help Shennong feel included with the pump from the Crafters. And they're two hunky bulls.

Yasuyori and Gunzo- Weird take, but I think this could work and the entire premise would be the fact that the relationship is built on a misunderstanding. Both are pretty hapless when it comes to love and are prone to falling for someone at the simplest indignation of romance, so maybe like Yasuyori and Gunzo just met up one day on accident and both think they intended it to be a date and just... start dating from there? Both are athletes so they could reasonably keep up with the other in terms of hobbies and the two wouldn't have to stretch that much to have conversations. But I do also think these two have much better partners.

Furufumi and Ebisu- I don't have the full context for them being a couple, but I like seeing them together for some reason. They're just adorable boyfriends.

Ziz and Babalon- Hot MILFS in your area? Find them by clicking here! In all seriousness though they do just give off a bit of the same energy and I feel like that is a catalyst for them to become wives and just open an orphanage or something.

Ziz and Shennong- They're few exchanges kind of imply they might have a thing for each other and they're both staff at the same school. I'm down for it- they'd make great parents.

Hombre Tigre and Tezcatlipoca- This one is kind of tragic to me since it's clear Hombre deeply cares for Tezcatlipoca, he knows that it isn't enough to solve Tez's loneliness. And Tez has gone so far off the deep end that I don't even know if he would ever be aware of Hombre's feelings. Still in a scenario where these two could be together it could work because the only people who'd need to understand them is each other.

Jinn and Triton- Just... okay. They're opposites attract and it wouldn't be that atrocious to find out if they have a thing for each other. They both have the same goal in mind and dress incredibly the same. Opposites attract? It's just the Red/Blue dynamic I couldn't really explain it more beyond that.

Kengo and Tetsuya- If these two ever reconnected then maybe I could see these two getting into this sort of wacky fight for control kind of pairing. But Tetsuya is very petty and wouldn't accept Kengo as his boyfriend right away so it would take some time for the two to find any sort of common ground.

Nomad and Breke- I need to see more of these two in order to get a good idea of where they're coming from, but it's not the worst one for either of them.

Macan and Nomad- I'm not turning heads with this one. Macan being overly affectionate to Nomad gets on Nomad's nerves. But in some instances I can see Nomad growing to like and even miss the antics of Macan. I'm in a pretty big internal debate with myself at the time of writing this cuz on one hand I did give grief to Kengo and Shiro, but on the other Nomad keeps swinging around and actively helps pacify Nomad from time to time... so it's a conundrum.

Chernobog and Horkeukamui- The slowest enemies to lovers fic you'd ever read. It would take a long time since I mostly see Horkeu being very territorial with the player while Chernobog just wants to broaden his horizons and would be the one making the most active pushes in the dynamic.

Horkeukamui and Nomad- Um, there's a whole thread about this one. If these two had like any interactions I guess they could.

Gunzo and Ashigara- They get along well enough that the two falling for each other doesn't seem that out of left field. But these two definitely would have a hard time getting it across to the other though...

Seth and Tadatomo- The fanart is cute and I think it would probably melt a few friends brains if they did have interactions.

Shino and Gyobu- Two dad like characters that watch after the Outlaws. I'm okay with this.

Wakan Tanka and Ashigara- Wakan and Ashigara would be there for each other in a goofy way.

Bael and Astaroth- From what I've seen I need more to give the dynamic a fair shake.

Actively Ship: Okay this is the portion where a lot of the meat is gonna be. This are pairings that I enjoy and definitely see.

Zabaniyya and Arsalan- This one's a pretty good pairing actually. You have Zabaniyya who looks up to Arsalan and you have Arsalan who just wants Zabaniyya to do decide and make choices for himself. It's very clear the two hold consideration for each other. Zabaniyya with more courage could confess to Arsalan that he's the only one he wants to follow and Arsalan reciprocating having kept his feelings hidden as to not influence Zabaniyya's decisions. I think Arsalan would always try and bring out the best in Zabaniyya.

Snow, Barguest, and Gyumao- These 3 are all dads that raise their children right and well. Furthermore they all get along surprisingly well despite their status or circumstances and I thought that it was just so nice how easily they all came together. They're supportive, understanding and just all really cute together.

Kuniyoshi and Licht- These two are cute together and are indeed very supportive of each other. Kuniyoshi supports Licht in pursuing his art while Licht definitely values Kuniyoshi for encouraging him.

Shinya and Kalki- On the surface it might seem problematic since Kalki is technically under the influence of Shinya's power. But in actuality he is under his influence by choice since Taromaiti has offered to remove that power because Kalki is able to have a new lease on life because of Shinya. It's just really cute to watch Kalki try and earn Shinya's affections more legitimately like trying to get Shinya the perfect christmas present. It's clear that regardless Shinya has a positive effect on Kalki.

Kalki and Hati- This one's just cute because of the few interactions they have early on. It's clear they're all friends in that clique of Hati, Taromaiti, Kalki and Shinya and there are moments Hati does encourage Kalki to be more outwardly expressive for love and just general affection.

Daisuke and Wakan Tanka- These two being a senior power couple just feels right. Wakan Tanka being so accepting and approachable it calms a lot of Daisuke's nerves. The two also going to school together helps with their compatibility since the two can keep up with each other in terms of sports.

Daisuke and Bathym- Bathym is forever a tease but also super supportive and giving as a boyfriend. So pairing him with the ever shy Daisuke and rowdy Taurus Mask is a really good match. Bathym would just know how to appeal to both sides of Daisuke. Meanwhile Bathym gets someone who gives him undivided attention and enthusiasm for battling.

Kurogane and Oz- Why not let the space lovers see space together? It's clear these two get along well enough so please let them hold hands. Let them stargaze together and let them talk about all their wildest dreams while they build a rocket. Let Kurogane encourage Oz and give him the courage to keep trying to see space.

Ryota and Toji- This one seems random but given the fact a lot of events after Toji joins the Summoners it's Ryota making the biggest pushes to help Toji feel included. And Toji is someone who always seems rather receptive to Ryota's kindness so I definitely think Toji would be the one to fall in love at first and Ryota developing those feelings a little later on once he catches on to why. Furthermore Ryota would just always make sure Toji is taking care of himself and Toji would remain by Ryota's side which is... something Ryota just really wants in a partner.

Yule and Krampus- Santa babies. To be more specific Krampus finally finding someone who's at least willing to get to know him better probably speaks leaps and bounds to him so these two being boyfriends is definitely within reason. Krampus getting bashful with Yule's simple request to hold his hand also sounds like very heartwarming imagery.

Oniwaka and Cu sith- First time I'm gonna reference the AR cards but not the last, Oniwaka and Cu would just go well together just watching this soft doggo break through Oniwaka's rougher exterior just by being himself is very wholesome as we see on the AR.

Leib and Cu Sith- Realistically most of Leib's ships do kind of boil down to this, but I think this is the best and most prominent pair since they feature on at least two AR cards. The two essentially just watch each other's backs with Leib keeping Cu Sith in line and Cu making sure Leib does basic things like having something good to eat or a fresh pair of clothes in the morning. The big reason being that the two do care for each other even if at times their work relationship can get in the way.

Takemaru and Motosumi- I think these two have very big parent vibes. Takemaru is the dad that works and provides his loved ones with what they need while Motosumi works to keep his loved ones safe and secure. They just fit together so well.

Ganglie and Seth, or Goemon and Seth, or all 3- Seth likes em big. Seth likes em chunky.

Tetsuya and Tomte- Similar reasons to Oniwaka and Cu.

Ibaraki and Shuten- Bros before hoes and Shuten seems like he'd be willing if Ibaraki ever came forward and asked him out as himself.

Shuten and Kyuma- Shuten being the older supportive partner Kyuma needs to push himself forward to greatness.

Tanetomo and Ellie- This one's definitely the most wild one I've suggested, but to put plainly I think Ellie having a very straightforward nature is something that Tanetomo would have to learn to deal with and not have to overthink since Ellie won't react in a way he probably would expect. Furthermore Ellie just by merit of being herself will cause Tanetomo to really think about what his real feelings are and why he does the things he's been doing up til this point. Ellie because... she thinks he's cute. Even if not the two would at least go out of their way to look fabulous together and that's at least worth something in my book.

GOAT Ships- We're here. The ships that I absolutely treasure and deserve their own spot on the list. The ones I will defend vehemently with my life- uh I mean these are the ones I feel get pushed the most or are the ones that have the best context behind them.

Gabriel and Maria- C'mon this is everyone's ship. Gabriel and Maria are the iconic girlfriends we need more of in our lives and they're holding hands in their AR together-! These two were written to be a couple and it's just very clear to me with how affectionate and sweet they are together.

Ashigara and Yasuyori- On Ashigara's side he's someone who doesn't want to lose his friends so he won't hesitate to go out and find them. While on the other side Yasuyori is someone who is willing to give himself up for the sake of his friends. Both are incredibly stubborn in their ways of life and practice and you damn well know these two should already be dating. Ashigara is one of the few characters that can actively match Yasuyori in strength in a 1 on 1 fight, so whenever Yasuyori is off being stubborn you can guarantee Ashigara is only a few steps behind. The two are what the other needed in a weird way- they're both people who go out of their way for each other and are people who care for each other even if it's not always obvious.

Wakan Tanka and Gunzo- We're here. After so many ships we're finally here. The one ship I can say with confidence that I think should be end game. Honestly I could write a whole essay discussing why I think these two ending up as lovers should be something we should all do, but it would take way too long and I don't think I have to if you've read this far into the list. But for the sake of brevity- They're opposites who attract who are also astonishingly similar, they're really cute together in a lot of their art, and they fit thematically with one another. If this is something that you'd want to hear me talk about I'd love to know because this is probably my favorite ship after all my years with the game.

and that finally, FINALLY wraps up this whole list. if there were any ships I missed I'm sorry, i didn't mean it as an offense to you personally it's just that this list is really long as it is and for a lot of them I had a hard time saying more than one sentence.

#housamo #tokyo afterschool summoners #Headcanon #HC #sfw #light spoilers #ship

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yesimwriting · 3 years

Text

The Promise of Rain, Blurb 3

Technically the third in a blurb-ish series (though this is kinda long for a blurb lol) but can technically be read as a stand alone, but i think the other parts make this seem more significant lol

A/n kinda angsty, not sure if i loveeee this but i haven’t posted a fic in such a long time bc of graduation chaos but now it’s summer and i’m working on a lot of requests/stories :))

Summary: jealousy is out of place when there’s no real warrant for it, and sometimes it’s okay to be content--to not need the rain to make you promises.

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! reader

Tiredness dulls the part of me that craves the rambunctious, but I’m still positive. I smile when someone does something only the truly inebriated find comical. I laugh when something somewhat actually funny happens, and I let the world around me drink. Twenty minutes--in twenty minutes I will claim a headache and go upstairs.

“You okay, y/n?” Jesper’s concern would border on genuinely considerate if it wasn’t for the slightest hint of slur in his words. Nights in which he consols himself after losing game after game are when he’s the friendliest. “You’re strangely quiet--you’re never quiet.”

I press my lips together oddly, smiling in a way that finally reaches my eyes. Jesper’s nice in an oddly particular way when he’s tipsy. Overly observant and careful. “Just a little tired,” I shift in my seat, leaning back against the plush seat in Kaz’s office, “I wish Kaz would just get here and dismiss us so I can go to bed.”

Jesper smiles, lifting his arm slightly and causing his glass to sway. Kaz is not going to take it well when he realizes that Jesper was extremely involved in the downstairs celebration. He turns ungracefully, moving to sit next to me with no warning. I half-heartedly glare as he takes up most of the small couch.

“You’re grumpy when you’re tired,” Jesper hums, stretching his casually.

I sigh once, but it lacks any bite. “I do not.”

He smiles easily, tilting his head so far to the side that it falls against the back of the seat, “No...but I know the real reason you’re grumpy.”

Rolling my eyes, I suppress my instinctual reaction. That would only expose his words as true. “I am not grumpy, there is no reason--”

“You know he hated it.”

I exhale, tired and slowly losing my fragine hold on fake tranquility. “Yeah.” That should make it better. “I know.” It doesn’t--it doesn’t make anything better.

So the contact we so desperately needed on our side took to flirting with Kaz. It was an uncomfortable situation because of its precariousness and I was worried because I know about his issues with touch. But it’s not like I care about the flirting part. No. It was unprofessional and so easily turned messy--that’s what my problem was.

Jesper sighs, stretching even more. I let him stretch his legs over me, too tired to push him off. I sigh, setting my chin on his bent knees. “What’s with the face, l/n?”

I roll my eyes again. Sometimes having someone care about you is annoying. I take back all of my positive thoughts about him--Jesper Fahey is an annoying drunk.

“There’s no face,” despite my words, I feel my expression sour even further. Jesper’s expression shifts from that of gentle worry to teasing pride. “And if there was one, it wouldn’t be because of Kaz Brekker.”

Jesper’s lips twitch upwards, something strange tainting his tipsy grin. “I never said a name.”

“One more condescending comment, and I’m shoving you off this damn couch.”

He laughs flatly, shifting closer and making himself more comfortable. Drunk and touchy--anyone else would have been slapped by now. “You’re nicer after some of this.”

He holds his glass out towards me casually, amber liquid sloshing slightly. I blink at the liquid with slight disinterest. I’m not exactly in the drinking mood...but I’m not exactly in the mood for any of this. The sound of the door opening doesn’t phase me--it’s not Inej, because she never lets herself be heard. Kaz doesn’t say anything, taking one dull step and then another, footsteps leaching the room of any warmth. The coldness he exudes so easily as a mask is strong tonight, I haven’t even looked at him and I can feel it.

Maybe I do need a drink.

I take the glass from Jesper, taking a quick and shallow sip of the liquid. It’s offensive in smell, taste, and the way it spills down my throat. The taste is much more intense than expected, some of the liquid slips past the corner of my mouth. Somehow more bitter than this moment, the liquid leaves me ready to splutter like a child. I exhale, pushing through the burning. Jesper moves his hand forward absentmindedly, wiping a single drop of liquid from my chin carelessly. The gesture would be sweet if my throat burned less.

“Jesper,” the warmth of the alcohol takes root in my chest, “That’s--” He laughs at my reaction, coaxing a smile from me. “Like literally the worst--why do you even have this?” If this is served in the Crow Club, I’ve never heard of it, this is the kind of under the counter alcohol that isn’t mass produced.

He laughs a little more freely. “Won it off of someone passing through--I don’t always lose.”

I wrinkle my nose, “An outlier shouldn’t be--”

“Oh, shut up.” Jesper laughs again.

“Both of you ‘shut up’,” Kaz sighs, stepping further into the room, “If you need to drink, at least wait until after my meeting.” I frown, ignoring Kaz’s lingering and sharp gaze, “You should all follow Inej’s example.”

“We can’t even see Inej.”

Kaz raises an eyebrow, but he regards me with nothing but voidness. He’s never exactly emotive, but normally in moments like this something I can never interpret touches his expression, coloring it human. “Exactly.”

“You’re funnier than people give you credit for.” The comment isn’t exactly sarcastic, but it’s something lighter than I should be offering. It’s an attempt at peace, the slight stiffness between us is starting to bother me. Our usual dynamic isn’t exactly friendly, but it’s more than this. Kaz glares. “But not tonight.”

His expression hardens. “Business is business. It’s not humor, it’s not whatever you try to make it.” Right. Just like it was business when that girl spent more time hitting on him than actually revealing real information. The thought leaves my expression tight as I swallow back my instinctual words. “It’s not whatever you’re currently doing.”

It takes me longer than it should to realize he’s referring to the position Jesper and I are in. Can he relax? It’s not my fault Jesper is tipsy and touchy.

“Kaz,” Inej’s voice is soft yet determined as she emerges from the shadows. It’s a miracle the way she’s nothing more than a shadow until she chooses not to be. “What’s our next job?”

Prompting Kaz in order to prevent a fight--Inej, always the closest thing to a mom available. I give her a partial smile, glad that she’s wedging herself between us and the tension, preventing conflict I’m too tired to follow through on.

“A merchant’s house,” he begins slowly, “We’ll be searching a merchant’s house but I’m seeking evidence more than property.” Jesper swings his legs off the couch with no warning. My head falls. I glare at Jesper who offers me a slightly apologetic tsk before dropping his head on my shoulder. Kaz must note the exchange because something in his expression tightens. He’s extra irritable today. “I’ll disclose more tomorrow,” he sighs once, already turning away, “Most of you are beyond listening tonight anyways.”

He’s at the door before I can tell him that I’m not drunk. The door opens and closes, but Kaz’s heaviness lingers like led. I frown, letting my head fall to the side, resting on Jesper’s.

“He’s weird today,” I mumble, unsure if I want a reply.

“He’s always like that,” Jesper breathes, “You’re losing your novelty, y/n--he always learns to harden himself against anything bright.”

The words leave me even more tired. “I don’t think I’m particularly bright.”

“Kaz does,” Inej replies, “And it has nothing to do with ‘novelty’, Jesper’s just cynical when he drinks.” I don’t know if I believe her, but I like knowing that Inej thinks that. “And Kaz can’t harden himself against you, and he hates that.”

I press my lips together, straightening my spine. “I’m not that great, and whatever Kaz does or doesn’t harden himself against doesn’t affect me at all.” My nails press into the plush seat. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this because whatever he does or doesn’t feel doesn’t matter to me.” I force myself up, doing all I can to seem perfectly calm. “All I care about is going to bed.”

Turning my head, I start to approach the door. Kaz has been strangely cold all night, and while I’m used to his moods, he hasn’t exactly directed them at me so fully since the day he caught me waiting for him to wake up after he almost died. If he wants to go back to how it used to be, then it can. Maybe I’ll care in the morning, when the growing weight of my eyelids is no longer a distraction.

“Sometimes the two of you confuse me,” Inej begins, “And sometimes I see you try to deal with emotion and I see the common ground.”

The words leave me cold. I don’t think being compared to Kaz is an insult, not when there’s so much it could mean. He’s much more complex than he wants to be. There is goodness within him, gilding the parts of him that are more shards than anything else.

I exhale, refusing to turn. Inej is too observant for her own good. “There is no emotion.”

“I’m not going to waste my time arguing over that because I know it’s a waste of time.” She pauses and I consider turning around in hopes of reading something less honest from her expression. “I’m just telling you as a friend that one of you needs to be mature and talk to the other tonight before the tension gets worse and that it’s not going to be him.”

She’s right. I exhale, “Do you think I should let him go?” Even just saying that leaves my heart aching. I know instantly that that’s not what I want, but it might be what he wants--it might be the best option. I might have the strength to let him go if I work at it. “I don’t--that’s not what I want and I’m not sure I could, but maybe that’s selfish of me.”

“Y/n.” I turn slowly, but I purposefully avoid her gaze, keeping my head down. “I know that I’ve known Kaz longer than you, and I know that when he’s getting along with you he’s,” she trails off, uncertain, “More him, in a good way.”

My heart swells, and with that comes feelings of panic. I never wanted to change him--to make him better or worse or anything; all I’ve ever wanted is to know him and to maybe help him with his burden. And to hear that maybe I’ve done that from someone so close to him--someone so observant and aware. That’s everything. And that terrifies me. Nothing good can last; nothing that seems to be all you could ever want actually is. I know that from life before the Crows, before I ran away from the castle I called home.

“I think he does the same for you.” I’ve never really thought about Kaz’s effect on me outside of the fact that he makes me feel warm in small moments and painfully seen in large ones.

I smile because she’s trying and she’s given me something. “I’d say I’d tell you when I make my decision, but something tells me you’ll know.”

She nods, expression shifting to something kind. “Goodnight, y/n.”

Jesper stretches out on the couch, settling himself comfortably, “Night, y/n.”

“Goodnight, guys.” I disappear past the door easily, heading towards my room.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to look for Kaz tonight. How much damage could be done in one night? Maybe he needs space. Maybe seeking him out now will make things worse. I exhale, opening the door to my room easily. I’ll decide before going to sleep.

When I step into the room, everything is in place. Everything is fine--but something about it feels off. The light is on. I didn’t leave the light on. Nothing else raises any red flags, so I continue into the room calmly, examining everything carefully. Nothing feels out of place as I further enter the room. I take in my bed, my dresser, and lastly my nightstand.

My heart swells all over again, but this time it feels even heavier than before. On the center of my nightstand, in perfect condition, is a copy of Pride and Prejudice. The same book I told Kaz about, the one thing besides clothing I took from the palace. I told him it was my mother’s favorite and then he asked me to read it to him.

I can’t picture him seeing this and thinking of me. I can’t picture him thinking of me--but no one else knew about my attachment to the book. I need to find him. I need to--to see him, to speak to him. To look him in the eye and see something I only ever see when we’re alone. Maybe he won’t have that look this time, but that’s okay.

I can’t expect to always understand him, but that does not mean I don’t know him.

The thought leaves me feeling a little more settled within the boundaries of my skin, but I don’t ease entirely. The good is more frightening than the bad. My fear of happiness is a benign secret I haven’t had to worry about in years. I don’t know enough about it to know how to deal with it let alone mention it to Kaz. Not that it’s his problem.

I squeeze the book to my stomach. Swallowing pride is a difficult thing, but I’m used to it with him. It’s usually worth it with Kaz because sometimes when I try he tries in his own way. I should find him. He’s not awfully creative about where he goes when he wants to be alone because people know better than to bother him. Kaz is probably in his attic or getting air outside or…

The lights were on when I came in. I’m an idiot. I didn’t feel weird when I walked into the room because of the book. Someone’s in here. He’s in here.

Setting the book down like I should have never touched it, I let out a sigh. “Lurking is unbecoming.”

“It’s also unbecoming to work for me and be so easily distracted by a book.” His voice reveals nothing as he emerges from the shadows. “I could have killed you with how long it took for you to notice my presence.” He pauses, eyebrows drawing together. “The light was on.”

Normally I’d have some kind of comment, some kind of joke that offers a more peaceful situation. “I know.” It’s a flat response. “I think on some subconscious level I knew,” I drop my gaze away from him, “I knew I was okay.” That sounds dumb. “I mean...I think I knew it was you so I knew I was okay.” Yeah, that wasn’t anymore eloquent. “That doesn’t make sense, but if you get to be confusing, I do too.”

“Confusing? There’s nothing to understand.” Curt. Simple. Dismissive.

I frown. ‘Nothing to understand’. Right, because there’s nothing confusing about how quickly he decided to dismiss me just to bring me some obscenely sentimental gift. “If you’re mad at me, you should at least tell me why.” I press my lips together. “At least that way I’ll know if I need to apologize or kick your ass.”

At that, he presses his lips together, corner of his mouth threatening to tilt upwards. “You would kick my ass?”

Great, even when he’s easing he has to be annoying. “I could.” There is no universe in which I could take him in a physical fight. “On a good day.” I let out a breath, doing all I can to not focus on his expression. Awkwardness settles in my chest as my eyes land on my bed. I sit down, trying not to let my shoulders slump tiredly as I stretch my legs across my bed. “You’re not having a good day.”

“My day is fine, I’m just not naively cheerful like you,” his words turn sharp, “Or Jesper.”

Weird addition. “Jesper’s not cheerful, he’s just drunk.” I let go of the ‘naive’ part, deciding to focus on the bigger picture. “And I’m not as naive or joyful as you think I am.” I’m not sure if I mean that as a rebuttal or just a fact. “I have bad days too.” This isn’t the kind of conversation I should have while this tired. “I could be less cheerful if you’d like.”

He’s so silent I momentarily wonder if he’s left. “No.” It’s not much, but I take it. Straightening my back, I pull my legs beneath me, intentionally creating space. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Ah, blatant rejection. It would sting if I was less in the right. “Maybe you’ll be less weird then.”

“I am not being weird.” At least I’m getting some kind of reaction from him. “You’re the one who--”

“Who what?” Finally--progress.

Kaz sighs, turning slightly. “You’re the one who decided to ignore me after we met with the contact.” I part my lips, ready to retort, but no words come. He did pick up on my slight annoyance, and he reciprocated it in a much larger way.

He can never know that this all came from some ridiculous, territorial--partial jealousy. “I didn’t mean to ignore you,” partial lie, “I’m just kind of in a weird place today, I’m tired.”

“Not too tired for Jesper, it seems.”

What? Is that what this is about? “What? All I did was sit there--he’s a touchy drunk and I just happened to be next to him.”

“You laugh with him,” he says this blankly, “You can touch him.”

The edge of unsafe territory cuts into me at an odd angle. Is this about him? Is he really tormenting himself over something so asinine to me when it comes to him? I’d rather have him than all the physical touch in the world. The book on the nightstand feels closer to me, growing by the prospect of its significance alone. That gesture, that’s more intimate than anything Jesper and I did downstairs.

“So?” I straighten my back slightly. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

He presses his lips together. “That’s the problem--anyone can manage meaningless contact…” The silence is louder than the words that came before it. Oh. I guess I’m not the only one who gets just a little jealous in an unwarranted way. “What if you were hurt? What if you were hurt and we were alone and you needed someone to help you and I couldn’t?” He lets out a sigh, a sound too tired for me to associate with him. “You say you don’t care now, but you’ll grow tired of it--the only life I can offer.”

Inej’s words about the similarities between Kaz and I echo in my mind. “Sometimes I don’t like when things are going well because I don’t know how to be truly content, fully happy.” Saying this twists my stomach. “I don’t know how to trust good things, so whenever there are good things I think about all the ways I could ruin something and then I do.” I take a breath. “I’m not saying that things are particularly good for you or that you’re happy, but I am saying that maybe you shouldn’t think three steps ahead when there’s nothing to think ahead about.” I regard his expression carefully, but nothing has changed. “I told you the only thing I want is to know you, and that’s not going to change.”

“Y/n,” his voice is low, “I am not rain--I can’t promise you anything.”

I scratch my knee, dropping my gaze. “For once I don’t want rain.”

Kaz sighs. “Get some sleep.” Something about the way he’s speaking is authoritative but it lacks any weight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I frown freely, “Kaz--”

“You look tired,” he mumbles, “You need rest.” He’s using this as an excuse to escape his feelings, but he’s already given me more than I expected. Greed ruins things, but then again, so does selflessness. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“For the job?”

Something strange crosses his features as his expression teeters on shifting. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he repeats, a little more certain.

The response doesn’t satiate me. “Kaz--”

“I may not be the rain, but I’m capable of making promises as well.” There’s something final about the way he says this, but it doesn’t feel cruel.

Maybe I’d protest if my eyelids were less weighted. “Goodnight, Kaz.”

My head falls against the pillow. I’m not sure if he replies, too lost in the drawl of sleep before he can even close the door.

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