#anorexia nervosa band

[briannabug]

rose hreidmarr ❦

[haveyouheardmetal]

Pictured: Drudenhaus, released in 2000

[annaandmiah]

ED MEDIA

MOVIES

★ little miss perfect ★

an overambitious high school freshman tries to control her life by controlling her weight.

➜ watch on soap2day

★ starving in suburbia ★

17-year-old Hannah joins a dangerous “thinspiration” online community where users treat anorexia as a lifestyle rather than a disorder.

➜ Watch on Vimeo

★ sharing the secret ★

beth turns to binging and purging as a way to control one aspect of her life, but her habits quickly spiral out of control and force her to seek treatment.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/hmujb3ndoo0

★ for the love of nancy★

follows the main character as she starts college, becomes more and more withdrawn, starts a regimented exercise routine, stops eating, and begins losing an unhealthy amount of weight.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/cgvxvq33swy

★ a secret between friends ★

when two teenage girls become fast friends and decide to diet together, things go from bad to worse, ultimately leading to the near death of one of the girls.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vmf4cd1fxge

★ dying to dance ★

➜ a young woman succumbs to pressure at ballet school and develops anorexia nervosa.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/hi5ww4z-rx8

★ girl, interrupted★

based on writer susanna kaysen's account of her 18-month stay at a mental hospital in the late 1960s.

➜ Watch on Netflix

★ Kate's secret ★

a beautiful woman married to a successful lawyer and the perfect suburban mother who turns out to be a closeted bulimic.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/zpchtd3xw4q

★ the best little girl in the world ★

a young girl develops an eating disorder, alternately starving herself or throwing up food. her parents, angry and desperate, send her to a hospital. unfortunately, she befriends a patient who convinces her to hide her illness.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/oy7gj99pt_a

★ thirteen ★

an innocent seventh grader undergoes an abrupt personality change when she begins hanging out with a wild classmate

➜ Watch on Disney Plus

★ to the bone ★

ellen is an unruly 20-year-old anorexic girl who spent the better part of her teenage years being shepherded through various recovery programmes, only to find herself several pounds lighter every time.

➜ Watch on Netflix

TV SHOWS

★ Skins ★

 lives of a group of teenagers in Bristol, England, are followed through two years of sixth form, with the story line of this critically acclaimed series delving into such controversial subjects as substance abuse, sexuality, teenage pregnancy, personality and eating disorders, and mental illness

➜ Watch on Stan

★ Red band society ★

 a group of teenagers live together as patients at a hospital's pediatric ward and learn how to deal with their illnesses, the experiences that they have, and the people that they meet.

➜ Watch on Disney Plus

★ Insatiable ★

For years Patty was overweight, which caused her to be bullied, ignored and underestimated by the people around her. But she is now thin and seeking revenge against those who ever made her feel bad about herself through fat-shaming.

➜ Watch on Netflix

DOCUMENTRYS

★ Thin ★

this documentary follows four women receiving eating disorder treatment at the renfrew center in coconut creek, florida. while each woman has their own “final straw” that brought them to renfrew, they all suffer from eating disorders that profoundly affect their lives to the point of near-death, in some cases.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/gsqwhmesizq

★ Dana the 8-year-old anorexic ★

Little Dana became a walking skeleton after suffering from anorexia - at EIGHT. She told her distraught parents she would rather DIE than eat. And she even hid in a laundry basket at meal times to avoid having food.

➜ Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKSwPBUhCBo&list=PLfjwnsEd5VNYTtPpke17nY2AHRNNpcWIK&index=3

[boxofvanishingsenses]

Movies

- To The Bone

- Perfect Body

- Sharing the Secret

- The Love of Nancy

- Secret Between Friends

- Thinspiration/Starving in Surburbia

- Feed

- The Road Within

- Vincent Wants to Sea

- My Skinny Sister

- Girl Interrupted

- Little Miss Perfect

- Karen Carpenter Story

- Dying to Dance

- Hunger Point

- Kate’s secret

Tv Shows

- Red Band Society

- Make it or Break it

- Glee

- Supersize vs Superskinny

- Starved

- Holly Oaks

- Degrassi

- CSI: The Hunger Artist

- Dr. Phil

Documentaries

- Thin

- Dying to be Thin

- Thin Club

- I’m a Child Anorexic

- Living Sz0

- Extremely Thin Celebrites

- Desperately Hungry Housewives

- A Beautiful Tradegy

- Dying to be Anorexic

- Out of Sight: Invisible ED’s

- Super Slim Me

Books

- Wintergirls

- Elena Vanishing: A Memoir

- Brave Girl Eating

- Unbearable Lightness

- Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia & Bulimia

- How to Disappear Completely

- Diary of an Anorexic Girl

- Being Ana: A Memoir of Anorexia Nervosa

- Beautiful Me

- After the Strawberry

- Letting Ana Go

- Skinny

- Kid Rex

- Second Star to the Right

- My Perfect Little Secret

🎀 lmk which newer ones I should add 🎀

[zombie-rott]

Fan Fiction Master Post

Hello! Are you eating well? Sleeping well? Ready to read some Ghostly fan fiction? Good, good!

Here's my master list with alternative links to my A03 account. I'll update this as things progress!

Enjoy, Ghoulies.

Ongoing.

"The Driftwood & The Rift." - Tumblr Pt 1 A03

SFW but warnings for alcohol abuse, violence, implied non-con & abuse.

Not everyone enjoys Yule. Least of all the ministry’s favourite fire ghoul. Marred by his sordid past in the pit, Dew locks himself away to begin his yearly tradition, but with Swiss no longer there to control him, things get out of hand. And if he’s going to be banished for his shameful behaviour, he might as well tell one of his oldest friends exactly where his feelings lie.

"Pawprints"- Tumblr 1 2 3

SFW. Terzo was adamant that, while he loved his prime mover, the sentiment did not extend to her cat, Greta. Or 'Poca G' as she lovingly called her. Yet, when he finally invited Sister Sofia to move into his chambers, Greta would end up becoming absolutely and completely smitten with him.

*Hiatus while I work on my other series*

Completed.

Sleepless - Tumblr / A03

SFW. Elena has suffered from an unknown sleep disorder ever since she was a child. She's chronically exhausted and at her wits end when she reaches out to The Church of Santanas. And despite the help of Papa Terzo and his ghouls, they can find no answer to her plight.

Blood in the boardroom - Tumblr / A03

SFW. It really wasn't the right time for you to take your period. You had too much to do and so little time to do it in. But no matter how you tried to power through the pain, nature had other plans.

I look above but all I see is the dirt that buried me - Tumblr

SFW. Six feet? Or was it eight? How deep were people usually buried in the ground?

Burying myself alive - Tumblr Pt1. Pt2 / A03

SFW. You haven't been coping lately, and things are getting stressful as the new tour dates approach. You don't know how you're going to survive without him, especially when feeling so vulnerable, and take to running to calm your anxiety.

But, even as a seasoned runner, you neglect yourself. Slowly you began slipping back into a world you promised you never would.

WARNINGS! Mentions of anorexia nervosa, eating disorders, and mental health issues.

"Self-care isn't selfish, Papa." - Tumblr / A03

SFW. Papa Copia needs to understand the meaning of 'self-care' after a hard tour. Fortunately, the ghouls are there to help.

"Of Mortal Flesh and Bone." - Tumblr Pt 1 Pt 2/ A03

SFW. Phantom doesn’t know how to find his place in the band because how can he replace Aether.

"Pawprints"- Tumblr Pt 1 Pt2 Pt3

SFW. Terzo was adamant that, while he loved his prime mover, the sentiment did not extend to her cat, Greta. Or 'Poca G' as she lovingly called her. Yet, when he finally invited Sister Sofia to move into his chambers, Greta would end up becoming absolutely and completely smitten with him.

"Won't You Show Me Your Weakness?"- Tumblr Pt 1 / Pt2 A03

NSFW (Part 2). Swiss felt realisation dawn on him. It had to be love, there was no other explanation. His body had chosen a mate, and that’s why this felt so different to him than the usual cat-and-mouse games that he played with lovers.

Or

Swiss is desperately in love with Cumulus but he's not sure she feels the same.

[scotianostra]

October 1st 1999 saw the sad death of Lena Zavaroni.

Lena was a Scottish child singer and a television show host. With her album Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me at ten years of age, she is the youngest person in history to have an album in the top ten of the UK Albums Chart. Later in life she hosted TV shows and appeared on stage. She died at the age of 35 after a long battle with anorexia nervosa.

Born Lena Hilda Zavaroni November 4th 1963...( there is where it hits me, how young she was when she passed away, less than two years younger than myself, seeing it written is such a reminder of our own mortality)...  in Greenock and grew up in the small town of Rothesay on the Isle of Bute with musical parents, who owned a fish and chip shop. Father Victor Zavaroni played the guitar, mother Hilda sang, and Lena herself sang from the age of two. Her Grandfather, Alfredo had emigrated from Italy.

She was discovered in the summer of 1973 by record producer Tommy Scott, who was on holiday in Rothesay and heard her singing with her father and uncle in a band. Scott contacted impresario Phil Solomon, which led to his partner Dorothy Solomon’s becoming Zavaroni’s manager.

In 1974 Lena appeared on Opportunity Knocks hosted by Hughie Green and won the show for a record-breaking five weeks running. She followed this with the album Ma, a collection of classic and then-recent pop standards which reached number eight in the UK album chart. At 10 years, 146 days old, Zavaroni is still the youngest person to have an album in the Top 10 and was also the youngest person to appear on the BBC’s Top of the Pops.

Zavaroni also sang at a Hollywood charity show with Frank Sinatra and Lucille Ball in 1974, at which Ball commented, “You’re special. Very special and very, very good,” although some sources attribute the words to Sinatra. Following this, Zavaroni guest-starred on The Carol Burnett Show. She also appeared in The Morecambe and Wise Show, the 1976 Royal Variety Show and performed at the White House for US President Gerald Ford. Signed to the soul-oriented Stax Records label in the United States, Zavaroni did not make much of a chart impact Stateside despite the praise and television appearances, as her Ma album failed to chart and its title single made it only to number 91 on the Billboard Hot 100 during a four-week chart run in the summer of 1974.

While attending London’s Italia Conti Academy stage school, Lena met and became long-term friends with child star Bonnie Langford. The two starred in the TV special Lena and Bonnie.

Between 1979 and 1982, Lena had her own TV series on the BBC, Lena Zavaroni and Music, which featured singing and dancing, and included guests such as Spike Milligan, Elaine Stritch, and Les Dawson.

From the age of 13, Zavaroni suffered from anorexia nervosa. While at stage school, her weight dropped to 56 lb (4 stone or 25 kg). Zavaroni blamed this on the pressure placed upon her to fit into costumes while at the same time she was “developing as a woman.

She continued to suffer from anorexia throughout the 1980s, and in 1989 she married computer consultant Peter Wiltshire. The couple settled in north London but separated 18 months later. Also in 1989, Zavaroni’s mother, Hilda, died of a tranquilliser overdose and a fire destroyed all of her showbiz mementos.

After the breakup of her marriage, Zavaroni moved to Hoddesdon, Hertfordshire, to be nearer to her father and his second wife. By this time, she was living on state benefits and in 1999 was accused of stealing a 50p packet of jelly, although the charges were later dropped.

Zavaroni underwent a number of drug treatments and received electroconvulsive therapy in an attempt to beat her anorexia. Her inquest was told that none of these had been successful in the long term. In addition she was suffering from depression and begged doctors to operate on her to relieve her depression. Although the operation would not cure her anorexia, she was desperate for it to proceed and threatened suicide (she also took a drug overdose) if it did not.

In September 1999 Zavaroni was admitted to University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff for a psychosurgical operation. After the operation, she appeared to be in a satisfactory condition and after a week she was “making telephone calls, cheerful and engaging in conversation,” even asking her doctor if he thought there was any chance that she would get back on stage. However, three weeks after the operation, she developed a chest infection and died from pneumonia on 1st October 1999.

[eunoiareview]

Band-Aids for Anorexia Nervosa— Hey Babe,

Let’s have a picnic, you pick a sunny Sunday and we’ll have sandwiches, strawberries, key lime pie. Let’s have ’em under purple wildflower trees, I’ll blow dandelions so their seeds gust on our skins like the sky kissing our foreheads, like chubby beautiful cumulonimbi weeping “I love you I love you I love you.” Let’s gulp down buckets of mint-chip Breyer’s in a blanket fort, I’ll bring the…

[doktordismemberment]

Roundup: Dec 27, 2023

Blah Blah:

Holidays are over and we’re back down to recording. I think the track we’re working on right now is my favorite thing we’ve come up with so far. Sounds almost like “Cop” SWANS meets super skuzzy early 90s DM meets the relentlessly rolling tribal toms from The Cure’s “Hanging Garden” shot through with eerily glowing veins of radioactive electronic noise.

Now the question is: Do we wanna buy a cheap telecaster and try to to do some really scratchy/ scrapey Santiago Durango type shit over top of a couple of songs? -

Muzak:

I have neither the time nor the patience to write about all of these albums individually right now, but I’ll do as many as I can before I have to put this down and go be productive… Long story short: It’s been a hectic week and the holiday season is always kind of a bummer for me so I’ve been retreating into a bunch of older favorites more than I’ve been seeking out anything new. -

SvartidauðI - Flesh Cathedral - This is a weird opinion founded in nothing but my own personal tastes, but I think Flesh Cathedral is probably my favorite Icelandic black metal record. Floored me so fucking hard when it came out back in 2012. Cavernous. Evil. Remember thinking it sounded like Deathspell Omega on steroids. -

Sinmara - Aphotic - Close second Icelandic BM album just behind that SvartidauðI. Sounds like nearly freezing to death before getting chucked into a fucking volcano. -

Godflesh - Godflesh EP -

Bathory - Hammerheart - “Baptized in Fire and Ice” is probably my favorite song of all time, period. Maybe tied with Venom’s “Manitou.” Whole album rules. -

Samael - Ceremony of Opposites -

Rotting Christ - Thy Mighty Contract - In my eyes Rotting Christ’s first four albums are absolutely unfuckwithable. I love how this album sounds really skuzzy, but still has all these soaring Maidenesque leads all over it. -

Starkweather - Croatoan - I‘ve had the creepy clean vocal “what makes love so frightening“ middle section of Silken Garrote/ Infinity Coil stuck in my head on and off for like the past month and a half.

https://starkweather.bandcamp.com/track/silken-garotte-the-infinity-coil-

Big Black - Atomizer - Top 5 favorite album of all time for me. Hard to even put into words why. Something about the willful nastiness of it all… And also that hearing a really fucked up sounding band use a drum machine made me think “oh shit I could totally get a drum machine and do this myself” back when I was a weirdo teenager that lived in the middle of nowhere and had no friends, let alone friends that played drums. -

Anorexia Nervosa - New Obscuratantis Order - Straight up, that album cover has always sketched me the fuck out, but goddamn... This album is just insanely fast in places. Scratches the trillion mile per hour icy-cold 90s black metal itch that I always feel so acutely this time of year. -

Alice In Chains - Dirt -

Lustmord - Heresy - The sound of a gaping hole in the earth that leads to a cold, lonely, hell. Bleak as fuck. -

Pitch Shifter - Submit Unholy - Gracefallen -

Video Games:

Warm Snow - Blood splattered samurai rogue-lite… Picked it up after hearing it compared to Hades cos I liked Hades way more than I thought I would. So far the combat feels fast and satisfying even if I can only get to the second boss before getting absolutely fucking bulldozed. -

Sanabi - Grappling hook cyberpunk ninja game with a 90s Image Comics meets 80s action movie style plot. Gameplay reminds me of a cross between Celeste, Speedrunners, and the old NES Bionic Commando. Pretty awesome. -

Reading:

The Elric Saga: Book 1 - Michael Moorcock - I keep starting this collection ‘cos I’ve really wanted to read the Elric stuff since I was a teenager, but every time I start the first chapter it seems like life gets super busy and I have to put it down almost immediately. Been forcing myself to read a couple pages before bed and feel like I’m finally making progress. -

Monsters in Print - Adam Benedict - Collection of old timey newspaper articles about monsters, pretty easy to read a few quick snippets and go on about your day. -

Tube:

I’ve had zero time to sit and watch movies this week… I think I’ve watched like half of two episodes of The Great British Baking thing that my wife is obsessed with, and that’s been pretty much it.

[writer59january13]

Au revoir oh perilous freedom...

Since pledging my troth to the missus July 25th, 1996

after the comma error punctuated mein kampf with disequilibrium.

Ever since the notions of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness coalesced within the mindscape attributed to one or more anonymous forebears way before the advent of civilization when written language preserved (homo sapiens communicated virtual primal groans and grunts),

nevertheless witnessing inchoate awakening visa vis dawning enlightenment bajillions of years after earth, wind and fire affected ideal environment for Beatle browed foo fighters Nirvana oriented proto humans among rival capital one group of beastie boys versus another. Each subsequent generation embodied propensity to acquire heavenly delight characterized courtesy

storied primeval human associations

to wrestle with promotion of mental, physical and spiritual autonomy. Once self-determination awoke animal hides did cloak daggers if antagonism occurred especially as high society coaxed fibers inviting village people to invent legislation to evoke amity particularly once firearms witnessed proliferation of gunsmoke (and the Western genre as film noir) after shoot-'em-ups erupted,

when scapegoat mustered courage

(after chomping powder milk biscuits)

bad to the bone bully underestimated chutzpah

courtesy said shy person, yours truly did invoke adulation and garnered within figurative keystroke generated winning vote cast strictly by menfolk if I vouchsafed would

NOT be pig in a poke

as happened countless millenniums later,

when forty fifth president of lands slated to become United States of America would try to revoke his successor mudslinging him,

(the latter, a common joe biden time), a veritable teetotaler,

who swore, he rarely took a toke.

Blame aforementioned blue collar Scranton boy yup blimey bloke woke up after leaving Oval Office early one Autumn morning bright eyed and bushy tailed after an eight year stint, whereby the electorate majority approved former occupant of “Executive Mansion”

(circa 2020 - 2028) admitting admirable administration donned hat of clown

earning a living wage and taking page from playbook of bozo, who brought good humor and laughter, where tragedy wrought woe

visited webbed wired wide world

(once trod upon by the noble savage

as described by Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

whipping out trademark Dobro,

(a contraction of "Dopyera brothers" and a word meaning "goodness" in their native Slovak,

who introduced said instrument in 1928)

kickass nimble octogenarian (accompanied by the band Tripping Up Stairs) performed outstanding show capering, dancing, gliding,

high jumping, et cetera across the stage

hither and yon, to and fro

contagiously gifting, letting riotous hoopla ring out across Land of Lake Wobegon spontaneously kickstarting audience of senior citizens

(including yours truly) to shuck off mantle of senescence (and clothes in the same process after gaining courage to join Barenaked Ladies) hooting and trumpeting nouveau playfulness summoning

rebirth of childlike spirit. How carefree and ideal to identify with mindset of Alfred E Neuman Mad Magazine what me worry unfortunately as a little boy yours truly beset with mental health issues Anorexia Nervosa the most serious potential to develop healthily

self starvation eradicated courtesy the expertise of psychiatrist

Ted Goldberg my parents did employ subsequently eating disorder

manifested as hair obsession with a vengeance, when maybe some dozen years later while completing a co-op linkedin to enrollment at Antioch College at facility I chose called

Chicago Ecology Resource Center in Illinois,

and who should make a small teleporting cameo appearance,

but none other than Leonard Nimoy,

albeit his likeness manufactured as plastic popular gewgaw enterprising toy.

Courtesy the most flimsy tenuous designs linkedin to above lines

availed and linkedin thru Unitarian Church affiliation while a youth, (now negligible participant,

who would never join any group

that would accept me as a member) an important connection throve with 1976 Norristown Area High School alum Frankie Augustine Junior a brain,

plus admirable ruler

of tribbles and klingons to boot.

As an otherworldly webbed wordsmith, I befriended said lad, who became best earthling chum,

whose birthday (January eleventh nineteen fifty nine) two days before mine, our camaraderie did rattle and hum

until he attended Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (majoring in nuclear engineering) landing himself a plum job.

Our friendship since foundered unlike the enterprising television show, which captured the imaginations of countless young and older people alike. By 1986, 17 years after entering syndication,

Star Trek considered

the most popular syndicated series;

by 1987, Paramount made $1 million

from each episode;

and by 1994, the reruns

still aired in 94% of the United States.

[briannabug]

anorexia nervosa ❦

[haveyouheardmetal]

Hi! Here are some band suggestions so far. I don't know the ask word limit so: -Benighted -Obituary -Carnifex -Amputated -Carach Angren -Nargaroth -Varg (not the vikernes guy) -Frowning -Anorexia Nervosa -Grai -Slot -D.R.I

Obituary is great.

A band called Frowning is funny.

Didn't know there's a band called Varg.

[viljemtkalski]

Do yall know this Song Sister september from a band called Anorexia Nervosa? Its pretty brutal.

[ao3feed-larry]

Gone - 1D

by doesanyonehearrunningwotah

ZOUIS FRIENDSHIP SIDE LARRY -- Zayn Malik was anorexic, anxious, and severely depressed. Zayn Malik was Louis Tomlinson's' best friend. Key word: Was. Zayn Malik is gone. ---------------------------- If Zayn had never left One Direction, what would've happened? ---------------------------- (MAJOR TW - ANXIETY DISORDERS, EATING DISORDERS, MENTAL ILLNESS)

Words: 3153, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: One Direction (Band), Larry Stylinson - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, Harry Styles - Fandom, liam payne - Fandom, zayn malik - Fandom, niall horan - Fandom

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Major Character Death

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Characters: Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Niall Horan, Johannah Deakin

Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne

Additional Tags: Eating Disorder, trigger warning, mental health, Mental Illness, Anorexia, Disordered Eating, Anorexia Nervosa, larry fights, zouis, sad zouis, Sad Zayn, Major character death - Freeform, Character Death, zayn anorexia

via AO3 works tagged 'Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson' https://ift.tt/jLUptfS

[xxrobsblogxx]

I love music. Particularly metal. I love me some fast paced, headbanging metal jams that I can lose my shit to. But here lately I've been on random side quests to check out jams that may have influenced the metal giants in this day and age. I saw a drum solo by Karen Carpenter the other day. It was nothing short of spectacular, she fucking killed that shit. Anyway, I then look to read more about her and she's been dead for years! Heart attack that may have been due to her anorexia nervosa. She only weighed 108 lbs at the time of her death. Wtf. And then I've been listening to 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago and that song fucking rocks! I've been trying to play it myself on the guitar (I got the drums down the other day). I checked out the live performance (YouTube has the one from back in 1970 at Tanglewood) and Terry Kath is phenomenal with that guitar! I mean, everyone was killing it, drums, keyboard, but damn that was a terrific guitar solo, and I love guitar solos. So I look this guy up and yup. He's been dead too, died back in 1978 from accidentally shooting himself in the head with a 9mm. He didn't think it was loaded. Thought I'd blog about this because I've heard many names before but nobody really talks about these 2. They had massive talent. And it fucking blows that I grew up with parents that listened to the music, but never really played enough of it, and I never really knew what it was for 20 years cause the 80s had some monsters like Ozzy and Van Halen and that had overshadowed Chicago and The Carpenters (I mean yea, it was gonna happen, the 80s have many of my favorite bands because they're fucking good shit) and I got more in touch with Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Judas Priest cause they're the progenitors for what was to become Metal. Anyway, I feel that the old bands are horribly under appreciated in today's time. I'll probably get like minded individuals such as myself and do metal covers of their songs in the style of today's metal scene (or maybe not, I think there's great potential in taking that music and redefining the sound; today's metal scene needs something new).

[blackmcge]

[leticiaaemocionada]

Se eu fosse lésbica

Mais ou menos aos sete anos de idade eu soltei, num almoço em família, que era apaixonada pela Sandy.

- Minha filha, você tem que ser apaixonada pelo Júnior! – Minha tia rapidamente me corrigiu. Eu, desde sempre uma garota muito curiosa, muito questionadora, rebati.

- Ué, por quê?

- Porque meninas têm que se apaixonar por meninos e os meninos que têm que se apaixonar por meninas – heterossexualidade compulsória resumida em um diálogo, meninas!

- Mas e se eu não gostar de meninos?

- Tu não podes gostar de meninas, minha filha, senão você vai ser lésbica, isso não é certo. Olha só: teu pai e tua mãe, eu e teu tio, tua tia e o marido dela. Tu vês por aí duas mulheres se beijando? Se casando?

- Não – eu estava confusa. Só tinha dito que era apaixonada. Nunca tinha mencionado casamento!

- Então, é assim que a vida é: meninas gostam de meninos e meninas gostam de meninas.

Lésbica. Por que ser lésbica era tão ruim eu não sabia, mas fiquei morrendo de medo de ser isso. Com o tempo eu descobri que assim como meninos que se comportavam como meninas eram “viados”, “viadinhos”, as meninas que pareciam meninos eram “lésbicas” ou, pior: “sapatão”. Uma prima minha que nunca usava saias, vestidos e blusinhas coladas, só andava com meninos e falava mais parecido com meus primos do que com as outras primas, sempre que aparecia nas reuniões de família, me deixava absolutamente desconfortável.

Será que ela era lésbica? Será que era contagioso? Eu saía de perto. Evitava contato. Corria para o quarto onde minhas primas que só falavam de homens estavam. Ali o ambiente parecia não infectado com aquele negócio de lésbica. Ali eu me sentia segura.

Eu não era lésbica. Eu gostava de vestidos longos, maquiagem, princesas da Disney e, como uma delas, eu sonhava com meu príncipe encantado. Até gostava de um gordinho com cabelos lisos até os ombros na escola! Eu não era lésbica.

Eu só ficava vidrada na Sandy quando, às tardes na casa dos meus avós com minhas tias e primos, colocávamos os DVDs com videoclipes e shows pra dançarmos. Mudei o discurso de “sou apaixonada pela” para “quero ser a” Sandy. Contava pra minha tia, revoltada, que meu primo queria ser a Sandy que nem eu! Se eu não podia ser apaixonada pela Sandy e só me restava ser ela nas brincadeiras, eu não podia deixar que ele roubasse isso de mim! Naquele ponto eu já era apaixonada pelo Júnior. Era assim que tinha que ser. Mas se eu fosse lésbica... eu casava. Com a Sandy, claro. No primeiro dia, na beira da praia, com esse turo turo turo aqui dentro explodindo em mim.

Mas eu não era. Também não era quando minha obsessão foi RBD. Meus cards eram todos da Anahí. Os pôsteres que eu comprava tinham a cara dela, os cabelos loiros, olhos azuis, sainha rodada, estrelinha na testa e o jeitinho meigo que ela entregava aos fãs na novela e nos shows. Nas brincadeiras, era ela que eu queria ser. Na novela, Mia Colucci era minha personagem preferida. Minhas músicas preferidas eram as que ela cantava. Talvez eu fosse apaixonada pelo Poncho. Mas eu sabia que ela era taurina – sempre fazia um bolinho em seu aniversário – que tinha sofrido de anorexia e que dia 19 de abril de 2001 o coração dela tinha parado durante 8 segundos. Eu costumava dizer que, durante oito segundos, o mundo tinha perdido a cor. O poema antes de Salvame eu sabia de cor – aliás, eu SEI de cor. Sabia os nomes de todos os namorados, odiava a maior parte deles por eles serem feios e ela, poxa, tão bonita, desperdiçando tanta beleza...

Em uma das crises de solidão, em meio a todo bullying sofrido dentro da escola, exclusão por parte das garotas da sala, brigas em casa – tanto entre meus pais quanto comigo –, quando pensei em desistir de mim, foi a ideia de nunca a conhecer que me segurou. Pode parecer besta, mas esse era o nível de paixão que a Letícia de 12 anos tinha por essa mulher. MAS EU QUERIA MESMO ERA CASAR COM O PONCHO, TÁ, TIA? Não lembro nem o aniversário dele, mas na hora de contar a todos quem eu gostaria que noivasse comigo, era ele quem eu mencionava.

Em 2009, no auge da Saga Crepúsculo, mudei o nickname do Twitter para @Lele_Greene porque eu achava Ashley Greene, a Alice Cullen, a coisa mais linda do mundo. No plano de fundo do meu perfil do twitter, eu tinha uma colagem com nove fotos da Kristen Stewart que o site repetia por toda a tela, o que me fazia ter mais de oitenta carinhas daquela mulher me encarando todas as vezes que eu entrava em minha conta e, por mais sinais que meu estranho comportamento me desse, eu era apaixonada pelo Robert Pattinson. Mas se eu fosse lésbica, eu dizia, eu pegava Kristen e Ashley. Juntas, de preferência. Como em algumas fanfictions que eu havia lido, onde as fãs mais ousadas as faziam largar tanto Jasper quanto Edward e viverem um romance apaixonado, cheio de dedos, línguas, mãos nos peitos umas das outras. Depois de uma noite de leituras como essas, eu passava a madrugada rezando, culpada, pra um Deus que, como haviam me ensinado na catequese, me odiaria se eu gostasse desse tipo de comportamento.

Se eu fosse lésbica, com toda certeza namoraria Scarlett Johansson, mas como não era, tinha crush no Chris Hemsworth. Natalia Dill, Aline Moraes, Bruna Linzmeyer, Marjorie Estiano, Isis Valverde, Maria Casadeval, Fernanda Souza, Megan Fox, Beyoncé, Rihanna, Emma Watson, Dakota Fanning, Amanda Seyfried, Thais Araújo, Rachel McAddams, todas elas mexiam comigo do jeito que minhas tias queriam que os homens que as acompanhavam nos trabalhos em que estavam envolvidas mexessem.

Se eu fosse lésbica, eu disse pro meu irmão, ficaria com a filha da prima da minha mãe que, por sinal, estava linda na festa de 15 anos de uma outra prima. Mas, como eu não era, torcia pra que ele ficasse. Se eu fosse lésbica, namoraria minha melhor amiga no ensino médio, mas me obriguei a gostar de outro garoto gordinho de cabelos longos que cruzava os corredores da escola. Se eu fosse lésbica, não teria me sujeitado a transar com um garoto que conheci no Facebook só pra provar que eu não era hétero, mas como não era, eu me sujeitei.

Quando eu me apaixonei por McFly, Panic! at the Disco e All Time Low, me agoniava o fato de que eles eram as únicas bandas que realmente me tocavam, sendo que eles só cantavam para mulheres! Se eu fosse lésbica, tudo bem, mas eu não era, então todas as vezes que eles cantavam para “ela”, em minha cabeça eu me forçava a cantar para “ele”. Gostar de boy bands que quase sempre falavam de amor e, sempre que o faziam, falavam para uma garota, transformou minha adolescência em

She He pulled on his her hand

With a devillish grin,

She He led him her upstairs,

She He led him her upstairs

Left him her dying to get in[1]

Esse processo era feito em todas as músicas de amor possíveis. Imagina que saco, ter que ficar se policiando ao cantá-las por causa de uma besteira?

Se tivessem me dito que “tudo bem gostar de meninas, contanto que seja recíproco”, eu não teria chorado durante meses à noite em minha cama porque minha melhor amiga me deixava nervosa todas as vezes que nos aproximávamos. Se eu não lesse sobre, assistisse filmes, séries, ouvisse músicas e vivesse no meio de casais heterossexuais, eu não passasse boa parte da minha adolescência me considerando uma aberração, uma pecadora, alguém que decepcionaria a família. Mas como eu nunca tive a oportunidade de assistir um filme em que Bella Swan e Alice Cullen se amassem, ler um livro ou encontrasse uma novela com uma história de amor entre duas mulheres sem que elas morressem no final – e que, não importa o que digam e quem o diga, quem está errado é qualquer pessoa que as façam se sentir mal com o que elas são, com o que elas sentem – me sinto quebrada. Existe um buraco na minha história, e ele me causa mais dores do que eu tenho consciência.

Se eu fosse lésbica, talvez eu estivesse mais calma. Talvez eu não quisesse invadir o meio artístico só pra falar de mulher, me infiltrando no meio de adolescentes que, como eu, estão fadadas a consumir amores heterossexuais, fazendo-as ler e assistir e ouvir que amar outra mulher é a coisa mais terrivelmente linda e absolutamente normal do mundo, que elas não são uma aberrações e que tudo bem estar apaixonada pela melhor amiga.

Mas essa sapatona tem raiva. Raiva de tudo o que passou, raiva das dores que deliberada e desnecessariamente foram jogadas na cara e nas costas dela. Raiva do pai, da tia, do tio, de pessoas na rua, do cinema, da TV, da escola, mas mais ainda de tudo o que os levou a me machucar do jeito que eles o fizeram – e ainda fazem. A diferença é que agora eu estou com a raiva nas mãos, sangue nos olhos, com uma vontade imensa de falar e, falando, conquistando e convencendo, mudando a merda de situação que eu e outras sapatinhas vivemos.

[1] Trecho da música Remembering Sunday – All Time Low.