#anyway i miss him and i am afraid he is alone and sad and i cannot help

[artemisbarnowl]

When you're not staying up past your bedtime tell us your thoughts about checking up on people via social media!

Thank you for indulging me this long weekend why would you do this

Warning I'm gonna be pathetic because i am still grieving a nine year relationship and grieving, especially in this context, feels so UNDIGNIFIED. Also its my grieving thoughts about the socials thing not like well srticulated thoughts about the socials with some grieving mixed in. I just have a lot of feelings and i need to get them out.

1. Like, ultimately don't. Its not helpful at all i think. Unless if literally is just idle curiosity about what happened to someone in your class from ten years ago and you actually dont care what you find.

2. I am experiencing the urge to check up on my ex CONSTANTLY. (They do not really use social media this doesnt amount to much btw). I understand why people be lurking on someones insta or whatever to see what theyve been up to. Sometimes you hope theyre failing and miserable because they did you wrong and you want to feel validated. In my particular case i am worried, and i miss them. There are no posts for me to see or wonder about so this is useless but i think i also want to see that my ex is sad (because i was important to him for such a long time) but also, not like, too sad. And I'm fantasising about him sort of DOing something about it. I want to see what he's up to. Is is dancing? Is he injured? Is he Making? Is he finding small joys in life like hanging out with friends or seeing a cute creature on a walk? Seeing posts about these things would not help me! Because i would likely assume he was not sad, then i would feel angry and bitter and disappointed in myself for wasting my time. We dont share when we are sad (or why) on socials. I am NEVER going to see a post that effectively says "my smart and beautiful and extraordinary girlfriend of 9 years left me, and I am sad i couldn't be what she needed. I miss her a lot and wish i could have showed her this garden i saw today, she would have loved it. I will never forget her and dont know how to be okay with this". No one is going to see that. But ultimately i think we check up on people because what we want to see is some variation of that, so we can feel validated and know that they UNDERSTAND how were feeling.

Because this is tumblr I have made stupid posts a bit like this! I miss him all the time, i made a facebook post about a doco that I watched in the hopes that he would see it and watch it, because i think he'd like all the adorable english woodland creatures. This is also stupid! As are posts showing how well youre doing in hopes ypur ex seems them and feels stupid. Devoting this much energy to a game in your head where you will never get an outcome that satisfies you cannot help you move on or heal. But i do think its weird that we look for any possible thread that tied us to people we are without, even the terrible online ones that can never retie us! We talk to gravestones like the dead can hear us. I am currently checking my mailbox every day for a letter that might not ever arrive, and even if it does it sure and shit wont contain any information that helps me live my new single life where no one thinks I'm special, and there's no one I'm 100% comfortable to be all of myself around and who I dont get tired of being with.

I will never know if he saw the fb post, let alone watched and had opinions on the doco I talked about. Knowing wont help. He knew i have a tumblr but i dont think he'd go through it as its a huge pile of memes and stuff he wouldnt understand to look for 3 things that say im sad. And again, knowing I'm sad won't help.

Normally im very good at being like "well this is unproductive/not the best course of action" and then, you know, STOPPING but unfortunately I will continue to wonder how he is and what hes up to and cling to actually unreasonable, unfounded fantasies of what happens IF he sees.

Anyway this is a long vent that basically says i think i get why people do it now but ultimately it will never bring the carthsis we hope for (:

He knew i had a tumblr but I dont think he's checking up on me coz. Whats the point. Its a lot of stupid memes for 3 im sad posts. Which accomplish nothing as discussed.

[wandasgf]

ANDROMEDA. mdni. 18+.

pairing: wanda maximoff + stepdaughter!reader

summary: all wanda wants is to relax, why does that seem so hard?

warnings: implied cheating, stepcest, no explicit sexual content, mommy kink, age gap, alcohol consumption, implied sexual content

wc: 2.1kish

It didn't start out like this, you swear. You didn't start out wanting to ruin your own father's marriage so that you could be with your new step mother. You used to feel bad about it, really, you did, but it's been about a year now and it's not like your father deserves Wanda anyway. They’d been married for about a year and a half and you swear you’ve never even seen them hold hands. He was always on business trips, you rarely saw him. It used to make you sad, never seeing your father, but distance creates disdain.

That’s pretty much how you found yourself in your best friend, Kate’s, bedroom, laying on the bed with your head hanging off and staring at the, upside down from your point of view, poster of some celebrity Kate was obsessed with. You think her name is Hailee? You don't know, but anyway, you were thinking about how you were going to convince Wanda to stay at home with you while your father was on yet another trip. Usually Wanda wouldn’t go with your father, but apparently he’s going to Milan and she really wants to go shopping there. And aside from the obvious reason you didn’t want Wansa to go, you really did hate being in that big house alone.

“I don’t know, man. Maybe you should just let her go on the trip, the woman never gets to see her husband, she probably misses him.” Kate shrugs, looking away from her phone to see your reaction. “Ughh, I just don’t understand what she sees in him, I’m obviously better and right here.” You sit up from your position on Kate’s bed and turn towards Kate, sitting cross-legged. Kate sighs in response, “Y/N, you know I love you, but I hate to break it to you, as hot of a milf as she is, and she is believe me, you are still her step daughter and she can’t exactly just… divorce your father to be with you. I mean, I totally get where you’re coming from and I am not gonna stop you from fucking her, but you’ve gotta be realistic here.”

She would be all for this relationship if it weren’t for the very simple and very messy fact that Wanda was married to your father. It was either going to end in heartbreak for you or you completely severing ties with your father to be with Wanda. And while the latter wouldn’t be awful, it’s not like your father was the most present, it just kind of counted on you and Wanda staying together which, as much as she wanted to believe it would, Kate was unsure would happen.

And it’s not that Kate didn’t think it was possible for you to have a long lasting relationship, it’s just that she was afraid lust was clouding your judgment and she’s not sure you actually have any sort of emotional connection…. Ah, but that’s enough worrying, it wasn’t exactly Kate’s strong suit and it was unlikely that you would be successful in your mission to woo Wanda… As if you hadn’t already been messing around with each other, but that didn’t really matter right now.

“Maybe you’re right… I don’t know. I just know that she’d be better off here with me. It’s not like she’d even get to see him a lot while they’re there. He’ll be in meetings or whatever.” You roll your eyes, already annoyed at the thought of Wanda thinking she’d get to have a nice trip and it being ruined by your father. You know you could treat Wanda better than him. “And hey,” Kate perks up, her eyes twinkling and a smile sneaking onto her lips, “If they’re both gone you can throw a party.”

—

Wanda was annoyed. Extremely annoyed, actually. Maybe even a little bit angry, but she wasn’t going to dwell on that feeling. This was supposed to be a nice trip for her, a vacation of sorts, but no, of course it wasn’t. Nothing was ever a nice vacation in the presence of Mr. Bigshot CEO Jarvis. It’s her fault, really, falling for his charming little facade and then for some god forsaken reason deciding to marry him. It’s not like she can go back in time to change it though, so she better not think about it too much, and he’s rich so that’s a plus she supposes.

At least he had a cute daughter, but that’s besides the point, she’s letting her mind drift again.

She’d been waiting for him to get back from whatever the hell kind of meeting he was at, she didn’t care, so that they could go get dinner at the restaurant down the street from the condo they were staying at. But as always, he texted her to say he’d be running a little bit late. That text was sent two hours ago and she’s not sure how much waiting she has left in her. She’d give him five more minutes before she got on a plane and left without a word.

She had just finished zipping up her suitcase when she heard the door open, what impeccable timing that stupid man had. Sighing and looking towards the door, Wanda attempted to give a somewhat genuine smile. “Sweetheart!!” Slurred the clearly drunk man as he stumbled into the room, he reeked of alcohol and it almost made Wanda gag. “You’re late. Extremely late. Again.” She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at him, clearly unimpressed. “Oh, come on. Me and the boys just went out for a few drinks after retro… retrofits!”

He meant retrospectives.

“Yeah, I’m sure you did. Well, you can have a nice time here in Milan, I am going home.” Wanda could put up with a lot of things, but this was just ridiculous. He had never been punctual, but it had usually been because his meetings actually were running late, not whatever this was. “Home? No, it’s called Seta.” He clearly thought she meant the restaurant which she was no longer planning on going to. “No. I am getting on a plane and I am going home. But please, don’t let that stop you from enjoying your time here.” She laughed, mostly at how pathetic she thought it was that she expected this trip to be any different than how it was at home. And with that, she was out the door and walking down to the lobby to try and figure out what the best way to the airport was and if she could just take some sort of personal jet of her husband’s to get home.

—

The party was in full swing, music blasting, drunk 20 somethings everywhere and you were in the center of it. You always did like attention. It took you and Kate about two days to plan and figure out who to invite, but it went about as well as you had expected. Instead of having a somewhat laid back party, Kate decided at the last minute that she would text out an invite to all of their friends and then also let them text their friends about it. So now there were about 100 people in your house and backyard.

Unfortunately, Kate was just about the most social person you have ever met. Somehow, though, nothing has been broken yet, but there are way too many red plastic cups on the ground. Kate is less drunk than you are, but by no means sober and you have… well… had enough alcohol to stop you from drinking for at least the next two weeks. Waking up tomorrow would not be pleasant.

“Hey Y/N!” Kate is practically shouting over the music, “Are we expecting anyone else? A car just pulled up!” She’s pretty sure everyone is here, even Nico had somehow convinced Illyana to take a break from studying (brooding in her room) to come to the party. Which is a miracle in itself. Speaking of those two, she hasn’t seen them in a while, she hopes for your sake they aren’t fucking somewhere in the house. “I don’t think so, but I’ll go greet them anyway!!” You slur, smiling excitedly. “Y/N I don’t think-” Kate doesn’t get to finish her sentence before you’re skipping away towards the front door. “Okay.” Kate nods to herself before walking away to go find wherever Peter was, the last time she saw her she was playing beer pong with the other Peter, Gamora’s boyfriend Peter. Something about battle of the Peters.

You stumble out the front door, squinting to try and see who just pulled up. It was dark out and you weren't wearing your glasses. Oh, and being incredibly drunk didn’t help. You gasp when you see who it is. “Wands!!” Your eyes widen in excitement and you run towards her, tripping over your own feet in the process. You didn’t usually call Wanda by the nickname, but you didn’t really care right now. Wanda is quick to stop you from falling, cursing under her breath when she realizes how drunk you are. You would be a handful in the morning.

And then she finally hears the loud music and the voices and slowly looks around to see all of the clearly drunk people currently on her, well, your father's property. “Y/F/N.” Her voice is stern and it catches you so off guard you almost stumble backwards, your eyes wide. You pout, upset that the first thing Wanda does when she sees you when she gets home is be upset with you. You probably would have fallen if it weren’t for Wanda’s grip on your arms.

“What the hell is this?” She’s not sure why you throwing a party makes her so angry, it usually wouldn’t. Maybe it’s the built up anger from your father bailing on their dinner date to get drunk and the assumption that she’d be able to come home and relax with you. Or maybe it’s the thought of you throwing this big of a party while she’s not even in the country and something bad happening to you. You never did handle alcohol very well, despite drinking like there’s no tomorrow. In any case, she was quite angry.

“It’s a party, silly. Can’t you tell?” You giggle as your sadness melts away, leaning back into Wanda’s hold. “Yes, I know what a party–” Wanda stops herself, sighing, it didn’t matter anyway, You clearly weren't understanding why or that she was upset. She thinks for a couple of seconds and instead she changes tactics, it wouldn’t do any good to make you upset with everyone around and no one would remember any behavior that seemed odd for a step mother and her step daughter, they were all too drunk.

She smiles sweetly, reaching up to stroke your cheek, “Why don’t you go tell everyone to go home, the party is over, okay?” You pout in response, looking up slightly at the older woman, “But I don’t want them to go home.” You practically whine, slumping in Wanda’s arms. Of course this wasn’t going to be easy, you always did love a party. “I know you don’t, but it’s time for everyone to go home, sweetheart. Don't you want to spend some time with me now that I’m home?” Wanda fakes a pout, looking down at you.

Well, you did want to spend time with Wanda…

“But can't you just have fun at the party with me? We can have fun at the party together!!” You beam, no longer upset. Wanda was going to have whiplash with the way alcohol affected your emotions. “Sweet girl, you're so cute, but Mommy wants to spend some time with just the two of us.” She moves her thumb to tug at your bottom lip. “Wouldn't you like that?”

Your cheeks heat up and you feel a familiar heat in your stomach, suddenly feeling a little shy in front of Wanda. She doesn't usually call herself that unless you're alone. “Mhm… I can tell everyone to go home. I’ll get Kate to help and I’ll be so quick, I promise.” Wanda surprises you by leaning down to press a soft kiss against your lips. “Be quick, sweetheart. I’ve missed you.”

“So quick!!” And you almost trip over your feet with how quickly you run to go get Kate. Wanda watches fondly, a small smile on her lips. You're so cute, hopefully you won't get all upset in the morning when she makes you clean everything up.

[harunayuuka2060]

Levi: ...

Child MC: ...Levi?

Levi: A-Ah, yes. I'm sorry.

Child MC: *stares at him curiously*

Levi: Sh-Shouldn't you be with someone? It's dangerous to go out alone.

Child MC: I was with Mammon earlier and we got separated.

Levi: That idiot-

Levi: ...

Levi: Do you know the way back to the house of lamentation?

Child MC: *shakes their head*

Levi: W-Well then. I will take you there.

Child MC: *holds his hand*

Levi: !!!

Levi: What are you doing?

Child MC: There are many people.

Levi: R-Right. Don't let go of my hand or you'll be lost again.

Child MC: *nods*

Child MC and Levi: *have arrived*

Lucifer: Can't you remember where you left them?!

Mammon: No! I- MC! I have been looking for you!

Lucifer: Oh dear- *rushes towards them and carries them up*

Lucifer: Do you know how worried I was?

Child MC: Levi saw me in the street.

Lucifer: Thank you, Levi.

Levi: Yeah, yeah. Just be careful next time.

Child MC: Thank you, Levi. *smiles*

Levi: ...

Levi: *frowns* Don't smile like that! *runs to his room*

Child MC: ...

Child MC: *turns to Lucifer*

Child MC: Luci, did I do something wrong?

Lucifer: No. You didn't do anything.

Mammon: Yeah. Levi is always like that. Anyway, where were we?

Mammon: Don't leave my sight again!

Child MC: But you were the one who ran off...

Lucifer: Mammon.

Mammon: Eek!

Child MC: Beel, does Levi hate me?

Beel: Levi?

Beel: ...

Beel: No. I don't think he does. Why? Is he being mean to you?

Child MC: No. But he doesn't like it when I'm smiling at him.

Beel: ...

Beel: MC, you just need to understand him. Okay?

Beel: There's a reason why he's acting like that.

Child MC: Can't I know why?

Beel: Unfortunately, you can't. At least not for now.

Child MC: Okay.

Diavolo: Ah! My sweet child! How have you been?

Lucifer: They're doing fine, Diavolo.

Diavolo: *chuckles* You don't need to answer for them every single time, Lucifer. Right, MC?

Child MC: *nods*

Diavolo: Oh. By the way, can you guess why I'm here?

Child MC: You skipped work.

Lucifer: *laughs*

Diavolo: I-No. I mean, *clears throat* Papa Dia wants to take you on a vacation.

Lucifer: *immediately frowns* And where are you taking them?

Diavolo: To many fun and beautiful places?

Lucifer: *stern* Diavolo, they're starting school soon.

Diavolo: What do you mean by "school"? We already talked about this. They're taking private lessons.

Lucifer: I want to send them to a school in the human world.

Diavolo: That is infeasible. You can't be gone for long away in Devildom.

Lucifer: Yes. Yes, I can.

Child MC: ...

Child MC: *decided to leave them to their discussion*

Child MC: Levi?

Levi: *crying in "MC's" room* What are you doing here? This place is off-limits*

Child MC: I was on my way to my room.

Levi: *wipes away his tears* That doesn't explain why you're here.

Child MC: Why are you crying? *goes to sit next to him*

Levi: ...

Levi: I'm crying because I'm missing someone special to me.

Child MC: Oh. *sad frowns*

Levi: ...

Levi: You missed someone too?

Child MC: *nods* I'm wondering if he's alright. But it's Rapha so... he's probably fine.

Levi: ...

Levi: *pats their head* We're the same then. Our special someone left us.

Child MC: Is yours not coming back?

Levi: ...

Levi: Yes.

Barbatos: Hello, Luke.

Luke: I'm not here for pleasantries.

Barbatos: I'm aware.

Luke: Did you already forget about the agreement between the three worlds?

Luke: That no human should ever step Devildom again?

Barbatos: I'm afraid there was never an agreement like that.

Luke: But you had acknowledged it!

Barbatos: Yes. However, the young master strongly went against it.

Barbatos: I am merely a servant. My opinion doesn't matter to him.

Luke: ...

Luke: I shouldn't have believed your words then.

Barbatos: My apologies, Luke.

Luke: ...

Luke: I will continue to keep an eye on you. Remember that.

Barbatos: I will. *then watches him leave*

Barbatos: ...

Barbatos: It will never be the same anymore.

[uselesslexbian]

the tortured poets department sentence starters.

i was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me.

i love you, it's ruining my life.

my husband is cheating. i wanna kill him.

thought of calling you, but you won't pick up.

who's gonna hold you like me?

who's gonna know you, if not me?

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me.

everyone we know understands why it's meant to be. 'cause we're crazy.

who else is gonna know me?

i should've known it was a matter of time.

we could've played for keeps this time.

once i fix me, he's gonna miss me.

he told me i'm better off, but i'm not.

fuck it if i can't have him.

i might just die, it would make no difference.

fuck it if i can't have us.

'cause fuck it, i was in love.

i stopped trying to make him laugh.

how much sad did you think i had in me?

you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it.

just how low did you think i'd go before i'd self-implode?

you swore you love me, but where were the clues?

i'm just mad as hell 'cause i loved this place.

i forget if this was ever fun.

no, i'm not coming to my sense.

i know he's crazy, but he's the one i want.

i'd rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning.

i'll tell you something about my good name - it's mine alone to disgrace.

you ain't gotta pray for me.

no, you can't come to the wedding.

it's gonna be alright, i did my time.

i will never lose my baby again.

ain't no way i'm gonna screw up now that i know what's at stake.

they said i was a cheat. i guess it must be true.

yes, i'm haunted, but i'm feeling just fine.

tell me i'm dispicable, say it's unforgivable.

am i allowed to cry?

i keep recalling things we never did.

someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts.

if it's make-believe, why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?

they're gonna crucify me anyway.

what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

you don't get to tell me about "sad."

if you wanted me dead, you should've just said.

who's afraid of little old me?

at all costs, keep your good name.

you don't get to tell me you feel bad.

so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?

say they didn't do it to hurt me, but what if they did?

i'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?

i'm fearsome, and i'm wretched, and i'm wrong.

you caged me, and then you called me crazy.

i am what i am 'cause you trained me.

i can fix him. no really, i can.

come close, i'll show you heaven.

trust me, i can handle me a dangerous man.

you said i'm the love of your life.

well, you took me to hell, too.

what we thought was for all time was momentary.

are they second-hand embarrassed that i can't get out of bed 'cause something counterfeit's dead?

you're the loss of my life.

i can handle my shit.

he said he'd love me all his life, but that life was too short.

i can do it with a broken heart.

i'm so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague.

i cry a lot, but i am so productive. it's an art.

you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart.

i'm sure i can pass this test.

they said, "babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and i did.

'cause i'm miserable! and nobody even knows!

was any of it true?

who the fuck was that guy?

they just ghosted you. now you know what it feels like.

i don't even want you back.

you didn't measure up in any measure of a man.

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

'cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden.

i would've died for your sins. instead i just died inside.

i'll forget you, but i'll never forgive.

i haven't come around in so long, but i'm making a comeback to where i belong.

this town is fake, but you're the real thing.

the crown is stained, but you're the real queen.

you're the new god we're worshipping.

it's hell on earth to be heavenly.

[eternalchemy]

anyway Adam Parrish. you were born in hell, you're used to it. adam had fracture lines all over him. he had not known to be born afraid, but he'd learned. adam was not always alone, but he was lonesome. but in my head, everything is always so tangled. i am such a damaged thing. sometimes ronan thought adam was so used to the right way being painful that he doubted any path that didn't come with agony. anger snarled in him, instantly owning him. it was a binary emotion in the parrishes. i am unknowable, ronan lynch. he needed a reset button. just push the reset button on adam parrish and start him again. adam had always been the most negative voice in his own head. if he had no one to wrap their arms around him when he was sad, could he be forgiven for letting his anger lead him? adam parrish, army of one. what a lie unknowable was. the only person who didn't know adam parrish was himself. what do you want? to feel awake when my eyes are open. he'd never escape, not really. too much monster blood in him. i might as well be the sacrifice. i'm ruined. adam pronounced love very carefully, as if it were an unfamiliar element on the periodic table. i made this fake version of me, and i was wide awake when i did it. he was good at depriving himself in the now, in order to have something better in the later. i miss knowing where i was going. for adam, it was what it always was. a fight between adam and himself, between adam and the world. Yeah. Adam Parrish.

[jeannineee]

Resolve

Azriel x Reader

a/n: I feel like when it comes to angst, I often write reader as having conviction. But this time I wanted to try writing reader as a bit of a pushover. (Bc who am I if not a pushover, unfortunately.)

warnings: ANGST from hell itself 💙 allusions to cheating, Azriel is brainless, reader is lowkey spineless

“Did you ever love me?”

The question was quiet; weak. You hated yourself for asking it. You already knew the answer. Azriel’s lack of response only confirmed it.

You swallowed thickly. Once. Twice. You wouldn’t cry in front of him. To his unspoken answer, you questioned further, “Why are you here?”

Azriel took a step forward, wincing as you stepped back. “Rhys said you’re leaving Velaris.”

“There’s nothing left for me here.”

A lie. Azriel’s family had become your family. But you couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him at every dinner, every holiday. Especially not in the company of another woman.

Azriel stared at you, his expression unreadable. Always hiding, always shielding himself. Impenetrable walls he’d never let down.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you asked again, “Why are you here?”

“I’ve missed you.”

I’ve missed you.

“Get out,” you croaked, fighting off the tears that threatened to spill. The longer he stared, the more your heart ached, the more you yearned to throw yourself into his arms; to bestow him with forgiveness he didn’t deserve.

“I’ve missed you,” he repeated, taking another tentative step closer. “And I’m sorry.”

You sniffled, refusing to meet his gaze as you wiped at your eyes. “Sorry for what? For not loving me enough? For having your eyes on Elain for the last few months of our relationship and being too much of a coward to admit it?”

“I am a coward,” Azriel said, shame lining his features. “I’m a coward, and a fool for not seeing what I had with you.” Azriel loosed a shaky breath. “Please, just—“

Please. You’d never heard that word uttered from his lips.

You finally met his eyes, met the tiredness in them that mirrored your own. “I don’t want to hear it. Just get out.”

You could’ve sworn his eyes were shining with tears as Azriel whispered, “Please don’t leave. Stay.”

“That’s not fair of you to ask me.”

“I know,” Azriel took was close enough now to take your hands in his, and despite the roaring in your head, you didn’t pull away. He said, “I know. But I need you to stay. Please, stay.”

You willed away the trembling of your hands, the quiver of your lips, the shakiness of your voice. Your next words were another lie, but you said them anyway.

“I wish I’d never met you.”

Azriel’s throat bobbed. “You don’t believe that.”

You hated this. Hated the way he could see through you. Hated that you couldn’t hate him, now matter how desperately you tried.

You pulled your hands from his grasp, taking a step back. “I think—I think you’re afraid of being alone. And I think—you need to let me go.”

Azriel’s voice wavered as he replied, “I can’t.”

“You can.” You stifled a sob. “You can, because holding onto me hurts both of us. You need to let me go.”

“I can’t let you go. I need you,” he pleaded, tears streaming down his face.

Azriel fell to his knees, and despite yourself, you did the same. You wrapped your arms around him, a new wave of sadness crashing over you as he buried his face in the crook of your neck and wept, whispering apology after apology.

You couldn’t let go of him any easier than he could let go of you.

As you held him, any protest, any resolve you had ceased to exist; dying out as easily as the flame of a candle wick.

[kanmom51]

JK's live 30 June 2023 12:38 am KST

30.6.2023 12:38 or 00:38 KST

cr./to the creators of the media used in this post.

Before I start talking about the live itself and Seven, of course, let's look for just a second, again, for the fun of it, at the numbers.

12:38 or 00:38 is the time JK started the live.

Do you see what those 2 numbers give us? Side by side?

1 2 3 and 8 and then 3 and 8. Does that help?

123

and

8/11

Do I think he did this on purpose? The 123 yeah, I see that. But the other part, nah? Just a usual lovely stars aligning Jikook coincidence I guess, lol.

Oh, and we also have 12:38 that gives us a 2+8=10 and the 1 and 3 that give us the 13, so:

13/10

So, not too too much happened during the live. JK came, talked a little tiny bit about his upcoming single, working on an album and a little more too, worked out, was his own cute self and dipped.

That was that in a nutshell.

Now let's dive in a little deeper.

JK talked about Seven. Well, telling us it's coming out on the 14 July and that he's excited about it.

There is an album in the works, but not finalized just yet.

Oh, and the MV, it's a wrap, and was fun. Now I'm truly curious.

I did talk about the song not being written by him in my previous post. He heard it with BPD and said he wants to do it a lot. His words.

He heard it, he liked it, he wanted to do it. Not personal, not a life story.

Doesn't mean the lyrics didn't 'speak' to him in a sense. Didn't mean something to him. You can feel connected to a song that isn't written by yourself. But it is something to keep in mind when we hear the song, watch the MV and see the lyrics, lol.

Just side tracking here for a sec to this:

CP says it's sooooo good. I'm gonna trust him on this.

Question I have right now is: Is JM becoming JK's spoiler king?

JK misses Jin and Hobi.

He got a new lip piercing.

What I love about that man is that he's so aware. He knows there are those that do not approve (you know, those idiots that think they have ownership over him or a right to tell him what to do). And yet, he doesn't give a shit. He wanted it, he did it. If they want to accept it they will, if they don't sucks for them. And the thing is that when he says it, he does it so nicely and respectfully. I LOVE IT!!!

He told us he's taking English lessons.

As a matter of fact, he had one just before starting the live.

Funny how both JK and JM seem to be studying English at night.

Remember this?

You know, must be one of those Jikook coincidences.

Nah. Fuck that. They are studying English together. Period.

JK talks about doing intermittent dieting, so he bought snacks but can't eat them just yet.

JK wanting to share but blanking out, lol.

Well, he didn't give us a spoiler, but we did get the next best thing, lol.

We get full JK workout.

Gotta love army edits (some at least, lol)

Poor baby hurt himself.

That was quite a workout.

Well, working out can be alone or together. There are many forms of working out... Does he really want us to wonder all of that?

The duality of this man.

And then.

I absolutely adore that JK has no problem what so ever that we see him like this. No makeup, every hair possible out of place, tired, sleepy, drunk, sad, happy, just bare.

He trusts us to see him bare.

Writing those lines, that sentence, idk why, it brings tears to my eyes.

He's not afraid to be himself. Take it or leave it. Yes, he plays the part of the idol, but he isn't afraid to show us him, a real human being just like us (just way prettier and sexier and more talented and more intelligent and in better shape), as much as he can under the circumstances of being an idol and a celebrity.

How can we not LOVE this young man?

JK ending the live.

So, not so much going on during this live.

I wrote this post based on the translations available. Of course I will watch the live translated and come back with corrections if be needed.

This to me felt more like a scheduled live for him, less one he just wanted to do, to keep connected with us or to convey a message that doesn't have to do with his own promotions (you get what I'm saying). And it makes sense it was pretty much scheduled, given the announcement of his single release. But who cares? We got us some cute ass JK. Just seeing him warms my heart. I assume it has the same effect on you.

I'll leave you with an amusing take on JK's live.

[crazylittlejester]

I uh, don’t know if you really care about Marin a lot, but I do, I’m obsessed with her, and especially when it comes to her and Hyrule Warriors. And I need someone to rant to about her position in two of my Links Meet AUs because they are so polar to each other, I love. In each AU she is stuck in HW time because she will simply cease to exist if she goes back to her time(at least that is her current state in each au, she’ll get home one day dw).

In the AU I’m currently working on, she’s working and living on the farm with Linkle and Link. She wears these cute overalls and plants food that she knows that her friends and her will eat, all because of her hard work, and she is so happy because of this, she loves making others happy and healthy. She loves to feed the fairies and pet the cows, she loves to prance around the acres of open field the farm has, she loves the life she lives with her friends. She misses her Link dearly, but she’s accepted that she’ll likely never see him again. And she knows that he would want her to be happy. She’s become as free as the seagulls she’s used to watch.

In the first Links Meet AU I’ve made, Marin is Zelda’s lady in waiting. She wanted to be her lady in waiting, and Zelda agreed. Marin confines herself to the castle, only going out when Zelda goes out. Zelda tries to go out a lot, mostly just for her friend. But there are days where she has to stay in the castle, for paperwork or another reason, and Marin sticks by her side. If she’s dismissed, she tries to busy herself with helping anyone she can in the palace. But she doesn’t leave her cage. She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t think she needs freedom, deserves to be free like the seagulls she used to watch. She doesn’t know how long the Goddesses will allow her to exist for. She’s too scared to leave her friends-even if it’s just for a moment. She doesn’t want to wake up from her dream. She’s been through it before, she’s doesn’t want to go through it again. Nonexistence is a terrifying thing.

Anyways that was sad. Um. Linkle is always besties with her though, she just doesn’t allow Marin around any Cuccos. Marin is the only thing that Cuccos are afraid of lol. Zelda and her are also besties. Marin is friends with everyone honestly. She’s never alone.

I do like Marin!! I don’t know a whole lot about her cos I’ve only played about 45 minutes worth of Link’s Awakening, but she seems very sweet and I know enough about her story and such that I think I’ll like her more once I get to know her better

‘She’s become as free as the seagulls she used to watch’ <- i am biting you right now /pos

‘She doesn’t think she needs freedom, deserves to be free like the seagulls she used to watch’ <- i am biting you right now /neg (/j, i am joking, i fucking love this, though I am biting you for it)

IM GLAD SHE HAS FRIENDS IN THE WAR OF ERAS AT LEAST, SHE DESERVES THAT

you cooked here and I loved every word of this even if it did make me extremely fucking sad /hj

[sennqu]

Mike's Cali Storyline Retrospective

"And I feel like maybe I was worrying too much about El, and I don't know, maybe I feel like I lost you or something."

foreshadowing for Mike's arc in S4

a.k.a I think Byler Tumblr has been interpreting Mike's actions so completely wrong in Vol. 1 and that is why we were blindsided by his monologue and I'm going to explain exactly how

a.a.k.a Mike isn't suffering from "internalized homophobia". What he is suffering from is a simple case of "warm of heart, but dumb of ass"

Alright. I think!! I have enough pieces to finally explain why Mike's monologue makes sense, why it is the natural culmination of his arc, and what this exposes about how he truly thinks and feels. (spoiler alert: he's not in love with El; he just thinks he is)

This post is going to include a Lot of Links. Mostly because this analysis has been a piecemeal work in the making as I stumble into epiphanies about our favorite puzzle box Michael Wheeler. The Links are going to be Underlined like so: This link for example links to how I think Mike felt about Will before leaving for Cali. Summary: Because El wrote a lot and Will called so little, Mike thought that if he felt like he missed his best friend more than his girlfriend, it's just because they had less contact.

Second, I am going to have to link you to my separate Mike analysis post concerning his behavior in the airport and the roller rink. It's very long but worth the read imo. I worked very hard on it. but if tl;dr: Mike was worrying that Will pulled away from him but believes his worries are founded on platonic grounds. (spoiler alert: it isn't)

Now, onto the main part of what Byler Tumblr got wrong: the junkyard heart to heart.

I believe that Mike wasn't -- at least not consciously -- thinking of himself (edit: himself and Will) during this conversation as a lot of byler shippers were interpreting. He was thinking of El and came away from this heart to heart believing that she sincerely wanted to get her powers back.

You remember how his and El's fight ended? He told her she was a superhero and El told him, "not anymore." Then El gets intercepted by Owen's team and decides to go to the Nina Base alone. She then writes Mike, "I am going to become a superhero again. From El".

Mike has been worrying about El's words since their fight and came away with the wrong conclusion.

He thinks that El wants to be a superhero. To Mike, El wasn't sad he couldn't say ILY to her as a regular girl. El was sad that Mike couldn't say ILY because she thought that deep inside Mike thought she was a monster. And because Mike loves El the Superhero, this makes perfect sense to him and explains away all of El's behavior.

And you know what? Mike could have very well been right about this take before El went to Nina Base. But El came out of her journey understanding that superheros and monsters are myths. She came out of her journey knowing she wasn't a superhero (or a monster). What she was was a girl who happened to have powers and a huge amount responsibility she didn't ask for but needed to claim anyway. Because she had to.

But Mike has no way of knowing that or even begin understanding that. That is why his anxieties in the van were about just being that lame nerd who found Superman on his doorstep. That is why his monologue is so centered on El's superheroism because that is what he believes she was asking from him.

quick edit: it's also highly likely that the truth Mike didn't want to tell El was that he was afraid she wasn't going to need him anymore

He believes that the thing he couldn't explain to her was that he did love her (as a superhero) but that it made him feel unnecessary and unneeded. that if El just truly realized she was a superhero, she wouldn't need him anymore. Will's words in the van got through to Mike because he wanted to think that maybe El needed him around after all (spoiler alert: she does not, not in the way he thinks) (sidenote: after the van scene, i'm pretty sure Mike now thinks that the painting Will brought to the airport was supposed to be a surprise gift from El (and Will) that they were going to give to him at the roller rink before all the chaos. He probably thinks now that Will was just trying to keep it a secret)

Mike's monologue is the natural conclusion of what he was going through in his arc. And El's arc was learning that, essentially, what Mike and she believed about herself was wrong.

Mike ends S4 not knowing he isn't loving El the way she needs to be loved. El ends S4 realizing this too. That is why she isn't talking to him in the timeskip; that is why she is standing alone. That is why I believe she is going to break up with him in S5.

And why is this a good thing for byler? I'm glad you asked! Here is another link to a post where I posit that Mike's obliviousness to Will's feelings is a good thing and is why I think this means definite endgame Byler is on the horizon.

[babymetaldoll]

Baby, I'm yours - Chapter four: "One love, one house (no shirt, no blouse)"

Summary: Reader and Spencer visit his mother and talk about their relationship. The team is not ready to go back to work after Prentiss' death, but they'll have to do it anyway. 

Word count: 8,4K

Warnings: Just a lot of fluff and Spencer overthinking everything. 

A/N: Hey guys! Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you are enjoying this sequel, 'cos I'm already planning the third and final part of this trilogy. 

Series Masterlist | General Masterlist | Prequel’s Masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter

(Y/N)'s point of view

I always loved visiting Diana. Not just 'cos Spencer got incredibly happy to see his mom, but because I enjoyed our time with her. She was an XV-century literature teacher, of course, it was incredibly interesting talking with her. We could ramble about books for hours. But I always let them alone for a while, so they could have their private conversations. That was my plan that day after we landed and got settled in the hotel. Spencer had confirmed the visit with his mom and the facility, so they were expecting us after lunch.

- "Do you think she is gonna be happy when we tell her?"- I held Spencer's hand as we stepped inside the main hall of the asylum and walked straight to reception.

- "Of course, she will, why?"

- "'Cos, well, she loves you so much. I don't want her to think I am stealing her son."

Honestly, I don't know where that insecurity came from, but my comment was an honest reflection of my fear. Spencer smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist as we walked.

- "Don't think that. She already loves you like a daughter, she is gonna be thrilled with the news."

Spencer smiled and, for a moment, I was hypnotized by his big chocolate eyes, staring at me as if I were a princess or a goddess. Spencer would always look at me like that whenever he felt honestly and utterly happy Until a nurse greeted us and we turned to stare at her, blushing.

- "Doctor Reid, Miss (Y/L/N), Diana has been expecting you."- she announced and Spencer held my hand tight. I don't know if he was afraid I might run the other way or if he needed reassurance that I was, in fact, standing next to him. Whatever the reason was, I squeezed his hand and smiled when he turned to look at me.

We walked to the backyard, apparently, Diana was outside enjoying the afternoon sun. I imagined how those visits would be in a few years. If Spencer and I ever got married and had children, they would run and hug their nana the second we entered the facility. And Spencer would follow them to make sure they didn't get into trouble. That was a scene that warmed my heart and gave me butterflies in my stomach. I wondered if Spencer pictured a future with me as well.

- "Spencer! (Y/N)!"- Diana saw us and raised her arms from her chair. Her son quickly leaned and hugged her as I waited my turn to say hello.

- "Hi mom. Sorry we are late, the flight was delayed"

- "I've told you, those apparatus are a coffin with wings"- she argued immediately and I chuckled, thinking about the first time I met her and how scared she was of flying.

- "(Y/N)! What a delight!"

- "Hey Diana! I'm so glad we finally made it. I'm sorry it took us so long to visit, things have been... busy."

Spencer and I had agreed not to tell her mother about Prentiss. It was an unnecessary pain we didn't want to put her through, she would get worried knowing Spencer was sad, and for once, we wanted to focus on the good part of life.

- "We got you this"- Spencer opened his satchel and gave her mother the Henry Bradshaw book we found in an old bookstore that he remembered her mother reading for him when he was a kid. Diana's eyes lit up when she opened it and started reading it right away.

Her health was much better than the first time I saw her. In the last few trips, we have seen her more joyful, even independent. Apparently, the doctor had found the pills that worked, and even Diana was glad of the result.

- "So mom, (Y/N) and I have some news to share with you"-Spencer smiled and held my hand- "(Y/N) and I started dating"

- "Yes darling, I know. You've been dating for years, that's not breaking news. If you are here to tell me you set a date, that would be news"- Diana didn't even take her eyes from the book to dismiss Spencer's announcement. It broke my heart in a way. I thought she would be happy to know I was dating her son.

- "No, mom. We were friends until a few weeks ago. We weren't dating before"

- "Come on! I know you think I'm crazy, but how can you expect me to believe that? You two have been in love since the first time I met her at your work! Are you seriously telling me you just started dating? Please, Spencer!"

- "Actually Diane, that's exactly what happened. We were in love the entire time, but neither of us said anything for all these years."- I whispered, embarrassed, and cut her a smile- "I was too scared I'd ruin our friendship if I confessed my feelings, 'cos I was sure he didn't feel the same and apparently, that's how Spencer felt as well"

Mrs. Reid looked at us from her book, raising an eyebrow. I swear I could feel her judging me for my choices, and at the same time trying to read if I was lying. Profiling a profiler, that's never a good idea.

- "Are you trying to tell me the government hired two dimwits like you and let them protect the country?"- Spencer's face went pale, not knowing how to answer that. He still held my hand and turned to look at me, completely out of words.

- "In fact... yes?"- I smiled innocently and prayed for a good reaction.

- "Oh god, kids. All these years wasted? I am ready to be a grandmother already!"- Diana chuckled and shook her head- "But, at least it happened and I am glad you are finally together. I've always considered you family, (Y/N). And I know you have taken care of my son all these years."

- "Thank you, Diana. He has taken care of me as well"- I felt Spencer caressing my hand as I spoke and turned to him smiling for a second.- "Now, what do you say I leave you two for a while and I pick you up for dinner at six?"- I said as I stood up.- "I am sorry but I really need a nap and a hot shower after that flight."

Diana stood up suddenly, and awkwardly, but sweetly wrapped her arms around me. It took me by surprise, but I welcomed her and even felt her kiss my cheek.

- "Thank you for loving my boy"

- "No, thank you for raising him to be my perfect match"- she chuckled and wiped off some tears from her eyes.

- "Now please get married and give me lots of grandchildren"

Spencer's point of view

After I walked (Y/N) back to the car, I joined my mother for a chess game in her room. She caught me up with all her medical stories in the facility, and how great she had been feeling in the last few months. I told her all about how (Y/N) and I ended up dating, the horrible weeks I spent thinking she was dating James, and how even our unit chief was trying to hook us up. She laughed and continued telling me she couldn't believe (Y/N) and I had been just friends for so long, considering even she knew we were in love ever since day one.

- "What can I tell you, mom? Your son is kinda blind when it comes to women"

- "Well, now you know your mother is not blind. I noticed she loved you since the first time you introduced us. She has always looked at you like you are the only person in the whole world."- I blushed and looked down at my hands for a moment.

- "Thank you for your support. (Y/N) was very worried you wouldn't approve."

- "Why wouldn't I? She is amazing, smart, funny and she loves you. What else can I ask for?"- I shrugged and mom stood up.

- "I've always imagined when this time would come"- she said as she went through a drawer, taking out a small jewelry box- "I remember my grandma wearing this ring. She always looked so elegant and refined. She gave it to me before she passed and I never found a moment in my life to wear it. Please, I want (Y/N) to have it."

I widened my eyes as I stared at my mom handing me a three-stone diamond ring I never knew she had. She was right, she never wore it, I would have remembered a ring that big.

- "Mom... it's beautiful. (Y/N) is gonna... I don't think I've ever seen her wearing a ring like this before."

- "I'm sure she'll love it. You have to tell me everything about the moment you give her this ring."- I frowned and held the jewel between my fingers. I had never had a diamond in my hand before.

- "You are not going to give it to her yourself? Mom, if it was your grandma's, she would love to hear the entire story."

- "Spencer, it's an engagement ring!"- mom looked at me as if I couldn't comprehend the words she was saying. Which was, in fact, true. I didn't. I couldn't even speak after she delivered that line. Mom was giving me an engagement ring to give to (Y/N). That was fast. Way too fast, scary, and completely out of place. (Y/N) would never accept a marriage proposal after three weeks of dating. It was insane.

- "I can hear the interlock of your brain overthinking, Spencer"- mom smiled and sat again. She moved her rook on the board. I couldn't focus on the game, of course, not after the bomb mom had just dropped.

- "What makes you think she is gonna say yes?"- I whispered after a few minutes of deep silence.

- "A mother knows. We are animals, we feel things. Besides, she is a smart woman. She loves you, and you have been together for some years now. I know you say you weren't a couple before, but you have been best friends, and that is also very important in a relationship."

I opened my mouth to argue with her words, but nothing came from my lips. I was mesmerized, staring at the ring, and trying to picture (Y/N) wearing it. I was making my best to imagine the moment I gave her a ring like that, it had to be special, magical. Worthy of her. How could I propose? I never imagined that part before.

Yes, I had fantasized about a future with her, but never with the "Would you marry me?" moment. Never. Somehow it felt awkward to even think about it at the minute.

- "Spencer? Are you listening?"- mom waved her hand in front of my eyes and took me from my thoughts.

- "Sorry, I just..."

- "You were lost in your fears"

- "Not just fears. I just never imagined this moment before. I can picture a future with her, it's what I want the most. But I never thought I would have the chance to take this step."

- "My boy."- I felt her hand on my cheek as she smiled, staring into my eyes for a moment, the same way she did when I was a kid and woke up scared after a nightmare- "You don't have to imagine or know everything before you live it. Life has to surprise you from time to time, and you have to let your imagination go wild! Be a romantic!"

- "I am a romantic!"- I argued and mom chuckled.

- "Of course you are, Ace. So use all that emotion and intuition from your romantic side and forget for a moment about your rational fears. Do you wanna marry (Y/N)?"

- "Yes."

- "And do you wanna wait?"

- "No!"- mom smiled as her hand tapped on my cheek.

- "See? Just stop overanalyzing everything and be happy!"- I chuckled at mom's words and held her hand for a moment.

- "Thank you, mom. Really"

- "Come here and hug your mother, I just saved you a fortune with the ring!"- she laughed at her own words as I stood up and wrapped my arms around her. Having her there at that moment, and knowing she hadn't been as healthy as she was that day was priceless for me.

And so Frank's premonition was right. I was gonna propose to (Y/N). When? How? I still had no idea.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Do we have to do this?"- I whined as we parked outside the FBI Training Academy in Quantico. We were there because Seaver had invited us all to her graduation. She was officially an agent, and I knew Hotch had offered her a job with us. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, ergo I didn't want to be there. But Spencer held my hand, and the present we had gotten Ashley and walked me inside the main building.

- "Yes, we do. Ashley is going to be an official team member and you should- start getting along with her."

- "But I don't like her."

- "I know that, everybody knows that. But it's the right thing to do and you know it as well."- I sighed and pouted, but Spencer didn't stop walking. As soon as we entered the central hall, Penelope waved at us. She was with Morgan and Hotch. It was the first time we had seen them since that day at Rossi's after the funeral. And it was weird.

It felt as if Prentiss was going to show up any minute, excusing herself for being late, holding a cup of coffee, and telling a crazy story about how she went salsa dancing the night before and completely forgot about this event.

- "Hey lovebirds! How was your trip?"- Garcia smiled and hugged us - "Did you have fun in Las Vegas, munchkin?"

- "Yeah, it was a great trip!"- I answered and enjoyed my friend's hug.

- "What did Mrs. Reid say when you gave her the news?"- Morgan asked.

- "She didn't believe us 'cos she always thought we were already dating"- my boyfriend whispered and played with my hand between his, as our teammates stared at us, chuckling.

- "It's gonna start!"- Rossi showed up all of a sudden and clapped, clearly more excited than any of us. - "I saved you all good seats."

- "And you were the one who said we spend way too much time together"- I joked and Rossi smiled.

- "Right now it feels like it's not enough, ragazza."

And that hurt. 'Cos papa pasta was right, after what happened to Prentiss, every moment we spent together felt special. Or at least I wanted to make it special. I didn't want to waste time, I wanted to live my life and enjoy the little things. Those people sitting next to me were my family.

The next Monday we were back on duty. I wasn't ready at all, but after a long talk with Spencer, we agreed working might help us keep our minds busy from being depressed. Also, I knew our work helped us save lives, and that always made me feel better.

But I wasn't ready to walk back into the BAU and find Prentiss' picture hanging on the wall, with all the other fallen agents. That was a low blow. Spencer walked straight back to the bullpen, but I noticed Penelope staring at the wall, so I walked over to say hello. That's when I saw it, Emily's face staring back at me.

- "This is not right"- I whispered and Garcia simply sighed- "She was way more pretty in person."

- "She was the most gorgeous woman on earth"- Penelope answered with a sad huckle- "I miss her so much."

- "Me too."

- "I took Sergio in, that baby needed a new home."

- "Emily's cat? How are you doing with him?"

- "He is a sweetheart, he loves cuddles and so far, he hates Kevin."- I smiled and rested my head on Penelope's shoulder for a bit, as we continued staring at Emily's picture.

- "Girls, you gotta stop staring at her. Prentiss wouldn't want us to sulk. You know that."- Morgan's voice nearly made us jump.

- "I'm not sulking."- Garcia argued and I rubbed my hand on her back, cutting Morgan a short smile.

- "I'm gonna put an eye on Spencer"- I excused myself and walked away slowly. If I was affected by staring at Emily's picture, I didn't want to know how my boyfriend was dealing with her empty desk.

Honestly, it was more painful than I thought. Walking in, knowing I would never see my friend again, sitting with coffee, and a juicy story of her weekend, sometimes maybe still a little hungover.

Pen had baked some cupcakes to share with Ashley, and celebrate her graduation. We ate them and drank some coffee in the meeting room before our daily briefing. It was definitely awkward, but we all did our best not to mention Prentiss, the pink elephant in the room, and just focused on talking about what we did on our week off. Morgan spent his time remodeling a new house, Pen and Sergio got to know each other and she completely "catificated" her apartment with some of her boyfriend's help.

- "Congratulations, agent Seaver."- Hotch walked in suddenly, followed by Rossi. Spencers held my arm and guided me to a chair. I turned to him and cut him a short smile as I sat down by his side.

- "Thank you."

- "Who made the cupcakes?"- David asked as he grabbed one and took a bite of it.

- "I did."- Pen answered with a proud smile.

- "Thank you all for coming to my graduation. It meant a lot."- Seaver cut me a short smile and I nodded. Yes, that was me trying to be nice.

- "Let's get started."- Hotch indicated as the rest of the team sat down and we all stopped eating to grab our case files.

- "Ok, we're going to Portland, Oregon, and it's not for a dead moon concert."- Penelope started presenting our current case- "So, Jay Johnson, a DJ, was cutting through an alley on his way home after leaving a club when he was bludgeoned by a pipe and then stabbed 31 times. His watch, his cell, and his computer were stolen. That was 2 days ago. Now, early this morning, Karen Heywood, a 30-year-old nurse. She died during a home invasion. She was stabbed 40 times, but first, she was bludgeoned with weapons of opportunity."

- "Eight different ones, to be exact."- I read out loud and raised an eyebrow.

- "That's too many weapons for one person."- Rossi added as I nodded in agreement.

- "There was a left- and a right-handed kill according to the M. E. Report."

- "Yeah, but 8 different weapons."- Rossi insisted, a little shocked.

- "So we're looking for a group."- Morgan added.

- "Yeah, it seems that way. And the left-handed wounds were deeper than the right."- Hotch pointed out from the forensic file.

- "Maybe a woman was involved?"- Spencer asked and I nearly gasped, turning to him.

- "How dare you, Reid? It might have also been a very weak man!"- I argued and he cut me the sweetest smile I had seen that day. It melted my heart in a second.

- "Sorry."

- "Anything taken from the house?"- Hotch's voice took me back to the case and forced me to focus on the files.

- "According to a neighbor, just some random stuff. A computer, some jewelry, a framed picture of a lily."- Pen listed and Morgan added

- "And pawnable items. What do we have, kill crooks? "

- "Sounds like a musical."- I smiled at Rossi's comment and continued reading my case file.

- "Similar victim, young professionals kill three miles apart."- Hotch said and sighed.

- "Is there a gang situation in Portland?"- Ashley asked and Spencer shook his head immediately.

- "Minimal. This seems more like desperate people in need of quick cash."

- "Why kill them if it's just for the money?"- she asked again, and this time Aaron replied.

- "That's what we have to find out. And we've got eight hours till nightfall. Let's go."

And just like that, we were back on the field making our best to carry out an investigation and find the killers before they strike again. During the plane trip, I sat next to Spencer and helped him with the geographical profile. But once we landed in Portland, Hotch thought it would be fun to pair me with Morgan and sent us to the supermarket where the victim had been last seen. And Spencer was paired with Ashley. Just them, alone. I took a deep breath and nodded. I couldn't argue, we were on a case and Hotch was our unit chief.

- "You are not gonna kill Seaver later when we get to the station?"- Morgan asked and I chuckled as he drove us to the supermarket.

- "Nope, why? Did you have a plan to stop me?"

- "That's good to hear, I didn't really have a plan actually"

- "Do you want a cupcake?"- I opened my backpack and opened a plastic container.

- "Where did you get those? Pen made them for Seaver."

- "She saved some for her, but she gave me a few for the trip."- I smiled at my friend and licked part of the frosting. He grabbed one and chuckled.

- "I'm glad, princess."

- "That I have sugar?"

- "No, that you are giving Seaver a chance"

- "Well, it's no fault her dad killed my aunt. And yes, her attitude at the beginning pushed me and Spencer to face our feelings, so..."- I shrugged and sighed, slightly defeated by reality- "Besides, we are not really in the mood for fighting. I am so done with that. I just want some peace after everything that happened."

Morgan placed his hand on mine and squeezed it for a second. I turned to him and saw a million emotions going down his face. All at once: sadness, anger, gratitude. But he didn't say a thing, and I didn't push him either. I just smiled and told him to slow down or we were gonna get a ticket for speeding.

Spencer's point of view

I could still see (Y/N)'s smile as she said goodbye earlier that day. I waved and watched her get in the SUV with Morgan. She held my hand for a second and wished me a good day. I promised I would text her later and she said she couldn't wait.

- "Spencer, we are here"- Seaver announced and I parked our car outside a club. I wasn't nervous about being paired with Sesaver, I knew (Y/N) was making her best to get along with her, and she trusted me.

- "So Mr. Johnson exits the nightclub through the back door to get to his car."- I said, trying to focus on the case as we walked through a short street at one side of the club, trying to find anything that might tell us more about what happened there.

- "Maybe one unsub can watch from over there and the other from back there"- Ashley said and pointed to both ends of the street.

- "Then when he gets here, another unsub hits him with a pipe and it's game on."- I conclude and start thinking how many men attacked Johnson in the middle of the night and no one saw a thing.

- "Look at the vials, Reid. This is a drug corridor."- she pointed out, and suddenly I remembered the Dilaudid bottle I still had back home. I had to get rid of that thing before I had a moment of weakness. I didn't trust myself at all with that thing around.

- "That would explain why there's so much kill. Maybe they were on something."- I said and looked at Ashley, who was trying her best to be professional on her first official day of work.

- "On the jet, I did some research into the club. A year ago, someone O.D.'D inside. Since then, new management clamped down on the partying."

- "Which means the unsubs most likely fit into this area."

- "Well, if you can't party inside, then you come out here. They're probably all the same age."- somehow, just thinking about drugs was upsetting.

- "Yeah, mid-twenties."

I had forgotten, I was a junkie in his mid-twenties, struggling to stay sober. But I couldn't think of that at that minute, I had to focus on the case and stop whoever was killing all those people.

- "Thank you for coming to my graduation"- Seaver said as I drove us back to the police station- "It really meant a lot to me."

- "We were glad to be there"- I answered and kept my eyes on the road.

- "How have you been holding on?"- she asked, out of the blue. No one had mentioned Emily the entire day, though we were all thinking about her the entire time.

- "Ok, I guess"- I replied, though I didn't want to talk much about the subject.

- "I'm sure having your girlfriend with you was very comforting these days. I mean, you both knew Prentiss very well, and I am sure you could... count on each other."

- "Yes, we do"- Seaver nodded and looked outside her window in silence for a moment. I thought she wasn't going to ask any more personal questions, but I was wrong.

- "So, are you living together already?"

- "No, we usually alternate apartments."

- "Why don't you pick one and live together?"

- "I don't know, we haven't talked about it yet."- I didn't feel comfortable speaking with Seaver about the subject.

- "And would you like to move in with her?"- I didn't want to answer, but I didn't really know how to get out of that conversation. And honestly, if I was planning to propose to her soon, shouldn't we move in together as well?

- "Yeah, I would"- I merely answered, and luckily, her phone rang and Hotch updated us with the facts of the case. It wasn't good, apparently, the unsub was a drug addict hallucinating. He was young, using, and out of control. It all pointed out that he might be a psychotic schizophrenic and to be honest, that was a second reality blow. I could be like that. During one's mid-twenty was when schizophrenia's symptoms would first appear. It had happened to my mother and I still wasn't in the clear.

That was my biggest fear, sharing her disease, her fate. Losing touch with reality now that for the first time in my life, it was a sweet one, with an even sweeter future. I hadn't even considered the idea but, what if I passed the disease to my kids, my babies with (Y/N). I would ruin their lives and hers. She would hate me, Jesus! I would hate myself for it! And the worst was knowing there was nothing I could do about it, 'cos so far, no doctor had found any sign of schizophrenia in me.

- "Honey? Are you listening?"- I turned to look at (Y/N), who was staring at me, standing outside the car- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, sorry, I was deep in thought."

- "I kinda figured, Seaver got out of the car ten minutes ago. Why are you still here?"

- "The unsub is hallucinating."

- "Yes"

- "He seems paranoid, on drugs and he is hurting people"- she nodded again as I kept staring at my hands, still holding the wheel.

- "What's happening in that gorgeous head of yours, honey?"

- "Nothing, I'm just trying to focus."

- "I saved you a cupcake"- she whispered and opened the car's door- "Come on, you need a cup of tea and something to eat."- and of course, I followed her. How could I resist such an invitation? But my head didn't stop working and overanalyzing every fact from the case. I couldn't stop seeing myself in that unsub.

That night I got to share my room with Morgan, which wasn't that bad. We talked about random things, none of us wanted to talk much about the case or Prentiss. So we both kept it casual. Of course, he tried to tease me with (Y/N) for a while, but I didn't say a word. That was until she knocked on our door in her pajamas, holding a cup of herbal tea.

- "Hotch is testing my strength right now!"- she argued and walked in - "Seaver has been on the phone with her mother for forty freaking minutes, telling her everything she did today. Everything!"

Morgan laughed as I wrapped an arm around my girlfriend, sitting next to her on my bed. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed.

- "And what were you guys doing?"

- "I was about to tell Reid we should watch some tv before bed."

- "And I was going to decline that offer 'cos I still haven't finished my book today"- (Y/N) smiled at me and kissed the top of my nose.

- "But you finished the other three you have in our bag, I'm sure. Give your head a break honey. Let's watch a movie with Morgan and then I'll go to my room, hoping Seaver is done talking about everything she did today."

- "Someone should tell her she can't share any case-related information with people outside the team."- Morgan suggested, but (Y/N) simply shook her head and smiled.

- "No me my friend, I am not getting into more trouble because of her. Hotch is already done with our fights and I don't want her to tell him I am being mean again."

- "You don't have to be mean, ma cherie."

- "I know, but it kinda comes easy when I talk to her"- my girlfriend pouted and I smiled. Sometimes all I needed was to have her by my side to ease my mind for a little while.

Of course, that night wasn't easy. After we watched a very bad comedy on tv, (Y/N) went back to her room and Morgan turned off his light. I tried to read for a while, but I couldn't. Instead, I wrote a very short letter to my mom and then rolled in bed until four in the morning. Morgan's snoring didn't make it easier, and I missed (Y/N)'s body by my side, keeping me sane. I knew she was two doors down the hall, but that didn't make me feel any better. I needed her next to me, the warmth of her body, the smell of her hair. The peace that knowing I had her in my arms gave me every night had no comparison. She was all I needed to be happy, and trying to sleep alone in that cold bed was just proof of that very fact.

Morning found me already weary. I took a shower and followed Morgan downstairs to the lobby. (Y/N) was already there, holding two cups of fresh coffee.

- "How was your night?"- she whispered and kissed my lips sweetly.

- "I missed you."- my answer was honest, I didn't even try to hide my feelings.

- "I missed you too, Batsy. Now drink your coffee, you look like you need five of these."- I held her hand for a second and took in her smile, trying to record it in my brain in case anything happened. Now I knew things could go wrong, and thought I had to make an effort not to think about it, I couldn't act blind all the time.

- "Ok lovers! We get it, you are in love! Now let's get to work, I wanna catch this son of a bitch today!"- Morgan walked by our side and on his way out of the hotel. (Y/N) chuckled and kissed my cheek one more time and winked at me.

- "Hold onto that until tonight, Batsy."

That was a long day, and it didn't get much better. We started with a new murder, and all the signs kept leading us to a paranoid schizophrenic. My brain wasn't helping that day either. I just couldn't see something I was sure we were missing from the profile. I heard the team deliver all the information to the police, and all I could hear them saying kept scarring and upsetting me.

- "We believe our unsub is a white male paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from hallucinations. Since schizophrenic breaks usually occur in your early twenties, we believe he's around this age and that he lives nearby. We think this unsub is hypervigilant, and in this condition, he's unable to travel very far from his home."

Hotch's words made me frown. Could I turn into that? Was that my destiny? All those headaches I had developed before (Y/N) and I started dating, were they a sign?

- "He kills at night and is extremely violent. During the day, he's most likely a loner. Someone in this state probably can't keep a job. We believe something happened to our unsub in his childhood. Childhood voices are telling him to kill, or he's misinterpreting them as doing so."

Rossi added, and I started fidgeting with my fingers as I sat in silence at the back, not able to add anything to the presentation.

- "Our unsub has probably been coping until now, but a recent stressor brought him back to that childhood incident and is causing him to act out."- I heard (Y/N) add my mind took me back to my childhood, my mother struggling with her illness and not taking her medication as she was supposed to. I could never put my kids in that kind of situation. My kids. Would I ever be able to hold a baby of my own in my arms? Not if I was on the verge of showing schizophrenic

- "Our unsub spends his days wandering, trying to fight the desire to kill, yet he feels trapped by his hallucinations. No matter what he does or tries to do, the hallucination's power is greater than his own."

- "Because of his limited social circle as a child, it is our belief that the incident involved close friends or family. Now, once we figure out what happened when he was a kid and the stressor that recently triggered a relapse, we'll be that much closer to narrowing down the killer's identity."- (Y/N) finished talking and Hotch turned to me, waiting for my thoughts and knowledge.

- "Reid?"

- "We need you all to start searching in this area."- I slowly stood up and handed one of the detectives the map I had been working on.- "Based on previous kills, we know that he strikes at night and will not retreat until we find him."

I knew I had failed to hide my worries, Hotch noticed it, clearly, (Y/N) did as well, and when Morgan walked to me in the men's room as I washed my face, I knew he had as well.

- "You know, that profile kind of makes it sound like schizophrenia leads to serial killing."- I whispered as I dried my face with some paper towels.

- "That's not what we said at all, Reid."- Morgan walked over and stood next to me, as I turned and sat on the edge of the sink.

- "You know, my mom has schizophrenia. There are many different types: catatonic, disorganized... just because someone suffers from the inability to organize their thoughts or they can't bathe or dress themselves, it doesn't mean they'd stab someone in the chest 30 times postmortem."

Old me would have kept all that info for himself, but I was done with lies and secrets between friends. For once, I wanted to tell people how I felt. And I was scared, confused, and mostly, frustrated.

- "Reid, what's really going on?"

- "Our unsub's hallucinations aren't fractured like a typical schizophrenic. They're vivid and clear, leading me to believe that we're missing an important variable. Rather than making crazy conjectures, I think we should be trying to figure out what it is."

- "Ok, listen to me. I know this is a scary age for you. It's when schizophrenic breaks happen. Have you talked to anybody about this?"- I felt his hand on my shoulder, trying to contain me or support me. I kept my eyes down on my feet as I whispered.

- "No."

- "Have you seen a doctor?"

- "They all say I'm fine."

- "Then why don't you believe them?"

- "Because predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition is like finding a penny in an ocean. I've had terrible headaches. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus on our cases. I only read 5 books last week."

- "Come on, kid, you gotta cut yourself some slack. You and (Y/N) just started dating, no one expects you to sleep at all."- Morgan chuckled and I cut him a short smile- "Besides, you're also depressed about Prentiss, and I get it... we all are. Reid, I miss her every day. But if your mind was splitting, do you really think you'd be able to figure out that this team is missing a variable?"

- "I'm just speculating that we are. I need to prove it."- I mumbled, clearly still frustrated.

- "Ok, then you do that. The moment you are wandering around the streets aimlessly, that's when I'll be concerned about you. Besides, your girlfriend would never let anything bad ever happen to you."- I smiled at those words as if (Y/N) could prevent a disease from attacking my brain.- "Come on, pretty boy. Let's get to work."

Of course, (Y/N) knew something was off with me. She looked at me as I walked into the room and cut me a short smile. I returned the grin and tried to reassure her I was ok. Sure, I wasn't, but I had to pretend. For work's sake at least.

- "I made you a tea"- she whispered and handed me a cup while Rossi busied himself reading some files and Hotch walked over, talking on the phone with García.

- "Thank you, ma cherie."

- "Do you need help with your geographic profile?"

- "I think I got something, actually"- I held her hand underneath the table for a moment and she gave it a little squeeze. I wanted to whisper something, but Hotch hung up the phone and I quickly turned to him, ready to finally contribute to the case.

- "You know, at the grocery store where Karen Heywood was shopping the night she was murdered, the clerk said the unsub was buying water and a lot of salt."

- "Saltwater could be used to torture his victim."- Rossi said, but I shook my head immediately.

- "Well, there's no evidence of that."- Morgan said and Ashley added

- "It could also be used to remove the victim's blood from clothing."

- "Think about this, though. The visions that schizophrenics have can be interpreted as demons. What do some people do when they think they have demons inside of them?"- I asked the group.

- "They could get an exorcism."- (Y/N) answered- "Sounds extreme, but this guy seems to be desperate"

- "Holy water is used in exorcisms."- Rossi added.

- "What about the salt?"- Seaver asked, and (Y/N) explained briefly

- "Salt is used in exorcisms and a variety of religious healings. Also in spells and wicca rituals. Now what we should do is see how many churches we can find in his comfort zone"

- "Three"- I replied and pointed at the map.

- "All right, let's see if any of them keep their doors open late."- Hotch commanded and we all stood up. At least working kept my mind busy and helped me stop overthinking, at least for a while.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It was clear something was wrong with Spencer. Schizophrenia was always a sensitive subject for him, for obvious reasons. And if the unsub was around our age, I was sure he was relating to him more than he should. Spencer wasn't schizophrenic, he hadn't presented any symptoms so far, and I knew he wouldn't. But he was worried all the time. It hunted him, like a nightmare he could never wake up from. I had always tried to ease his mind, and tell him it was all going to be ok, but under the already hard circumstances we were in, my boyfriend couldn't escape the dark thoughts.

And what was worse, I couldn't be with him that day. As soon as we reached the police station we were informed there had been another murder and Hotch asked Spencer and Morgan to go to the crime scene.

And there I was, at the police station with Seaver, talking. Yes, me, talking with her, trying to be friendly. She asked me to review the case file again, in case we were missing anything and I helped her. Hotch looked at us from the other side of the table and nodded. Of course, he was happy I was giving her a chance, and I was happy he wasn't scolding me again.

Spencer and Morgan arrived with the news: the unsub couldn't sleep, that was the missing variable. And that was all Garcia needed to give us a name and an address.

- "I looked at that list of schizophrenics that have been recently arrested in that 40-mile radius. I cross-checked it with ones that have gone to local pharmacies to get schizophrenia medication like thorazine or prolixin."- Penelope announced through the speaker. Spencer sat by my side and held my hand underneath the table, just as he had done the day before. I suppressed the smile and tried to focus.

- "Any of them have prescriptions filled for sleeping medication as well?"- Hotch asked and his voice took me back to reality.

- "Yes, one. Ben Foster. He has a prescription for thorazine and ambien."

- "What's his background, baby girl?"

- "He moved to Portland 3 years ago. A month ago he was in an apartment fire, after which he got a sleeping pill medication because his insomnia began again. When he was 10, he was questioned during an investigation about a fire that killed three people."

- "It could be part of the homicidal triad."

- "I'm looking at the police report right now. It turns out that two months before, his mom had a local minister perform an exorcism on him, and the three people who were killed in the fire helped perform that exorcism."

- "There it is! The exorcism!"- I pointed out, excited it had been true- "Pen, was he charged?"

- "No munchkin. He was acquitted in juvie court."

- "You got an address?"- Hotch closed the file case, looking rather impatient.

- "Uh, 2627 Halden way."

- "Let's go!"

- "Is your vest well adjusted?"- Spencer asked the second we got out of the SUV outside the address. I nodded and he still double-checked.

- "I'm ok honey. Nothing bad is gonna happen to me"- I whispered, taking a look around, making sure no one was paying attention to us.

- "Of course not, I am here and I'm gonna protect you no matter what."

- "Reid, you and (Y/L/N) take the side, Morgan and Seaver, the back. Rossi, come on"- Hotch commanded and in a second I had my gun in my hands and I was ready to catch our unsub. A part of me felt pity for him, he was sick, and he probably wasn't a bad person, but life had taken the best of him.

- "He is out back!"- we heard Morgan yell and the entire team started running out to the street.

I followed Spencer down the sidewalk, looking around us at any movement. The police and the rest of the team were near, trying to get eyes on Ben. But nothing. For eight minutes we got absolutely nothing. No one had seen the unsub running.

- "Hotch, we lost him"- Morgan announced through the radio. It was most likely that he had gotten into one of the houses to hide. And I knew we couldn't knock on every door in the neighborhood.

- "I think we've got something at 2218."- Hotch announced and I followed him along with Spencer to the back door.

- "Make his stop, please."- I heard Ben's voice arguing in the living room, and a little girl replied.

- "There's no one there."- my blood boiled when I realized he had two kids as hostages.

- "They're right there!"- the unsub yelled, and that's when Hotch, Spencer, and I walked into the room.

- "Ben, drop the knife."- our Unit Chief commanded. I kept my gun pointed at the unsub's face, as he grabbed the kids and pointed a knife at their necks.

- "Ben, we're not gonna shoot you, but we do need you to put down that knife, ok?"- I asked in the nicest tone of voice possible. When you are in a situation that includes kids, you have to make all you can to keep them from any traumatizing outcome.

- "All right, where are the other people in this room, Ben?"- Spencer asked slowly

- "Right there. You see him?"- the unsub pointed just where Reid was standing.

- "Right here?"- he asked and Ben nodded- "Were they there for the exorcism?"

- "I didn't kill them, though. I didn't do it! And I'm not lying!"

- "Ben, they're dead and they can't hurt you anymore."- I tried to explain, but I knew he wasn't going to understand that. He was increasingly more and more nervous.

- "They can!"

- "No, Ben. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Once you get help, it'll all stop."- Morgan said, also pointing a gun to his face.

- "Yes, you are!"- Ben argued with the imaginary people- "Yeah, ok. All right, I killed you. I set the fire!

- "Ben, listen to us. It's ok. We're gonna get you a doctor's help. I promise you that."- I tried to soothe him 'cos he was losing control, but he shook his head and tightened his grip on the kids.

- "No. The... The only way that you can help me is if you do it... If you kill me."

- "Ben, that's not true. Listen, the only way we can help you is if you put that knife down"- Spencer said as he put his gun back into his holster and raised his hands, trying to look unthreatening. I didn't hesitate, I unlocked my gun and kept it pointed at Ben as he spoke.

- "Are you sure that'll work?"

- "Oh, I'm absolutely sure of it."- Spencer replied.

- "Ok."- Ben released the kids and they ran out of the room with Seaver, that's when Ben grabbed his knife tight and ran to Spencer. But before he had taken two steps closer to him, I pulled the trigger and shoot him right in the leg.

- "We need an ambulance."- Hotch announced via radio, as Morgan kicked the knife away from Ben's hand.

- "Thanks"- Spencer whispered and walked towards me. I cut him a short smile and he held my hand.

- "I've got your back, honey. Always."- I whispered and wrapped an arm around him. I knew I was never going to hesitate, I would always pull the trigger if it meant his safety.

- "Are you ok?"- he asked and rubbed his hands kindly against my arms as we watched the paramedics take Ben outside the house straight to the ambulance.

- "Yeah, I'm ok. You?"- he just nodded and sighed. I knew something was bothering him, something his head couldn't stop overanalyzing, but he wasn't going to tell me about it, at least not yet.

- "Ready to go home?"- I asked him and he just nodded again- "I feel like cooking tonight, we deserve a nice good homemade dinner."

- "Marry me"- he said, blushing and I chuckled.

- "I'm guessing you liked the idea of me cooking then!"

- "That and you just saved my life."

- "You'd have done the same for me, honey bunny."

- "Hey, Reids! Come on! Time to go home!"- Morgan called us and we made our way out of the house.

Later that night, after a long trip and a nice dinner, Spencer and I laid on his couch, curled around each other, enjoying each other's company. He ran his fingers through my hair from time to time as I sighed in contentment, pleased to feel his scent around me as I rested my head on his chest and heard the sweet beat of his heart.

- "Do you like it here, ma cherie?"

- "I like anywhere where I can be with you, batsy."- I replied and he hummed, pleased with my answer, I guessed.

- "But, do you like my apartment?"

- "It's nice, it's so much like you, sometimes it feels like being inside your brain. I could definitely live here"- he hummed again and after a few minutes, he moved on the couch until he was looking straight into my eyes. I moved a few locks of hair from my face and he smiled, kissing the top of my nose.

- "And would you like to?"

- "What?"

- "Would you like to live here? With me?"

For a second, I didn't believe my ears. Had he actually said what I heard him say? Did he want to live with me? For real?

- "Wh... what?"

- "It doesn't have to be here, we can find somewhere new, or I can go to your apartment. I don't care where, I just... wanna live with you. I don't ever wanna wake up away from you anymore."

- "Wh... where is this coming from?"

- "My... heart?"- he answered and hesitated for a second.- "If you think it's too soon, we don't have to do it, I can wait. I just... wanna live with you."

- "I wanna live with you too"- I blurted out and sat on the couch, his body following mine in a second.

- "You do?!"- he questioned, not believing my answer- "You don't think it's too soon?"

- "I don't care if it's too soon! I wanna move in with you!"- Spencer hugged me and his lips found mine in a matter of seconds. I kissed him feverishly and felt his hands tangle on my hair as his tongue partnered my lips.

- "I love you"

- "Me more"

- "No ma cherié, no one loves anyone as much as I love you"

- "Then I'm glad we are gonna move in together, so I can prove you wrong!"

Next chapter

Taglist:

General tag list

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @all-tings-diego @muffin-cup @cynbx @meowiemari

Spencer Tag list @calm-and-doctor @lovejules888

DIWK Taglist @tvandfanfic @shilohpug @eternalharry @fandomtrash2405 @eyakoroleva @nani-2305 @padsfirewhisky

BIY tag list

@miaxx03

[liauditore]

Thought I might say hello and make some small talk, seeing that I'm camping on your trafficshipping tag and all.

Well hi! Lovely place you've got here. Fantastic art, GREAT vibes, very nice. I'm specially enjoying your character rambling; your takes on them are super interesting and they tickle my brain 👀

May I send Divorce Fource/Quartet and Majorwood for the shipping bingo? Divorce Fource were a right mess (affectionate <3) and a perfect one at that, but I can't help but wonder how the recipe would have turned out if the soul ties were Cleo-Pearl, Martyn-Scott.

Also there is so much potential in Limlife Majorwood for eroguro if you're nasty. Which I am. Time cannibalism, respawning mechanics, birthday time... blender go brrrr 👀

!!!!!!!

y'all are really enabling my habit of long ass posts huh 😭😭

OK SO first off thankyou so much?? thats so sweet?????? 😭😭 i really don't think my character ramblings are anything special, but i like reading other ppls insane takes so i thought i'd provide others with the same 👍

not to get too into it but i feel like a series like life smp is best enjoyed with your own crazy delulu takes (similar to touhou if anyone heres familiar w/ that fandom). and it makes me kinda sad to see ppl arguing abt whats 'canon' or 'correct' cus that's no fun lol

ANYWAY yeah uh im glad u like the vibes!! :J

TREEBARK

this one first cus chronology. I honestly don't know if there's anything I can say here that hasn't been said before? But yeah they're. tasty. something about martyn waiting the entirety of third life to betray ren and never getting the chance and now longing to have him back. lots of regret but regret. for what. yknow. and ren always looking out for martyn even from a distance. and then martyn losing that connection in limlife.

yeah i can see why people ship lmao

uhh i don't really know what else to write here so have some of my insane ramblings copy+pasted from my shipping doc 👍

Martyn fancies himself a schemer, someone who's not afraid to play the game the way it's intended. If that means earning a powerful ally's trust only to shatter it then he was going to do it. Only, Martyn's bark is worse than his bite, and every night he spends in lying awake in those soft, warm sheets that Ren had laid out just for him (freshly washed too, he might add. Smelled like sunshine) he wonders if he can do it. He can, of course. (he can't. he won't. he's too soft. soft and useless.) He'd cut his head off already. (he wants to vomit) (this is why no one needs you. wants you. loves you) Who cares about other people anyway? He is the only one who really matters. (the thought of being alone makes him want to cry) Ren, on the other hand, is a capable leader. The definition of loyal and dependable, if not a bit dramatic. He struggles with self-worth, being good enough, useful enough, powerful enough. But to others, he's the opposite, caring and protective of any who would ask for his aid. After all, every citizen deserves to live in safety and comfort, and providing that is what a good King would do. ~ Martyn's not as sneaky as he thinks he is. Ren knows. Ren sees the signs. It's a death game for a reason. But he doesn't let Martyn know. He doesn't even hold it against him. He doesn't see the bloodthirst anymore, only the broken pieces lying underneath. ~ or the King's Hand, it was the thrill of feeling Useful, Powerful, Feared (loved). He was going to miss it after he betrayed him, the high of bloodlust, the smell in the air as he charged into battle. (the way his hands held him so gently) For the King himself, deep down he knew it was never to be. He had met a monster, but he hoped his efforts calmed the storm ever so slightly. On some days, he pretends to forget about the death game entirely and imagines the speech he'd give to retire his Hand. "You don't have to fight anymore," he'd say, "I'll take care of you from now on, I promise. So put the sword down, okay?" But in the end, it was all a fantasy, wasn't it?

^ yes this is so cheesy but so are they.

Cry with me again Smile with me again Scream with me again Sing with me again Dance with me again Talk to me again…

"Lower One's Eyes" (Oktavia translyrics)

MAJORWOOD

I think.. I talk too much abt scott seeing as that's who everyone points out when it comes to my headcanons 😭😭 but uh i swear everyone else is just as messed up. and martyn is like. just as bad if not worse (if that wasn't made clear from my ramblings before)

anyway uh say it with me rebound 👏 relationship 👏

i think they're both.. very numb to it all once limlife rolls around. they're just tired and have this mutual understanding and both think they're horrible people. martyn just wants to play the game. scott doesn't even know what he wants anymore.

but ofc, they're both still human and want love and comfort, so they try to seek that from one another. even if it's fake. even if it doesn't matter in the end.

Baby, though I've closed my eyes I know who you pretend I am I know who you pretend I am

Washing Machine Heart (Mitski)

We’re the Delusioned Victim Cash-in Union Praise to the “love” that will bring salvation!  Two fools singing to a shallow melody Restart, reflation, teleportation Time and again we’re stuck in rotation Circles inside a love without any ending

MKDR (SirHamnet Lyrics)

Scott uses Martyn as a replacement for Jimmy and Martyn uses Scott as a replacement for Ren. they know they dislike eachother (see: all of double life) and that only one of them will make it out alive. but they can't get that love and comfort from anyone else now.

also uhhh eroguro my beloved...... im assuming this is getting brought up cus of my mentions of loving eroguro in the past. and yes to all of that very much i agree. but i do have kind of.. a limit to what i do w/ these characters specifically because of the fandom/ccs (at least publicly). if i ever do decide to share the nastier stuff in my head or go into detail on gore and whatnot i'd probs make a sideblog and tuck it away and maybe block scott and martyn for always somehow showing up on my posts lmao

[httpwintersoldier]

『 death of peace of mind | ch6 』

masterlist | previous ↢ six ↣ next

𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊'𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 𝖔𝖋 𝖕𝖊𝖆𝖈𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖉 - a slow burn between a hate-filled person and a sorrow-filled soldier

The conversations with Bucky at the bar became somewhat odd. You no longer felt the need or the will to insult him. Not because you felt like you owed him something (when maybe you did), but because the rage and annoyance you used to feel in his presence were no longer there. Insetead, you felt comfort more often than not.

When he came in the door you felt safe, relieved even. The bickering continued, obviously, after all that was the only way you two knew how to communicate, however they were just playful remarks, instead of snarky and rude ones.

"Sorry! We're closed!" You said, in the nicest voice possible, afraid you'd piss off whoever was coming through the door at 3am.

"But there's still-"

Before the man could finish the sentece, Bucky turned around to look at the man.

"Does the word closed confuse you?"

The question was met with no reply, simply incentivating the man to leave and close the door as he did so.

"Thanks, Buck."

Bucky smiled at the nickname.

"Buck?" He asked, standing up and handing you his empty cup so you could finish closing up.

"Yeah! You don't like it?" You asked, cocking your head to the side as you passed his cup under water and wiped it clean.

"I do, it was just... Steve used to call me that. Reminded me of him."

"Oh..."

It was all you could say. You felt bad for bringing up memories of his dead friend. Bucky could read you like a book at this point and laughed, clearly being able to tell you felt sorry for mentioning it.

"It's okay, Y/N. I miss him, but I'm happy one of us got their happy ending."

You looked at Bucky as he said that, and you could very well see the sadness, sorrow and longing underneath the sad smile he used to try to mask those emotions.

"You'll get yours too, Bucky."

He just walked towards the door, opened it and kept it open with his body as he shoved his hands in his pockets, waiting for you to turn off the lights and exit the establishment.

"Maybe, who knows."

The walk to your house was silent. You were getting used to Bucky's silence, and you started understanding why he enjoyed it so much. There was something so comfortable, so... intimate, with being able to sit in silence with someone. It was a lot easier to strike up a conversation and keep it going, but you truly had to be at peace with someone to sit with them (or walk with them) in silence.

After that day, the Soldier simply wouldn't let you walk home alone. He told you it was because his house was on the way anyways, but you knew (and he knew you knew) that Bucky just wanted to make sure you were safe. You'd sometimes tease him about it, and he would threaten to leave every time, but he stayed every time.

If the situation in the town got a little tricky, he'd even keep watch outside of your building. Bucky wanted to make sure you never had to feel the fear, the uncertainty, the entrapment... Because he knew what that desperation felt like. He knew it all too well.

"Right so," you said as you came to a stop, at the door of your building "I assume I will see you tomorrow, drinking up all of my stock of scotch?"

"Actually, no," he said, with a serious face, and your smile faded "I might be drinking up your stock of bourbon."

You laughed with him at the shitty joke and punched his arm jokingly. Except it ended up being the wrong arm, and punching vibranium hurt. Like a bitch.

"Ow, motherfucker!" You complained, your eyebrows furrowed in pain as you caressed your knuckles.

Bucky laughed, as hard as you had ever seen him, hand over his heart and all.

"How am I the guilty one? I'm the poor soul who got assaulted!" Bucky retorted.

"Well, it was your arm that caused me harm."

The soldier playfully rolled his eyes at your dramatic antics.

"Fine, I'll take the blame." Bucky said, as he took a hold of your 'injured' hand and kissed your knuckles "Apologies, Miss Y/N."

You could control the smile that desperately wanted to rip across your face, you couldn't, however, help how hot your whole body felt.

"Yes, that will suffice, thank you soldier." You replied, joining in on his joke.

After a shared shy laugh, you bid your goodbyes, not knowing you'd meet a lot sooner than expected.

You stripped down and grabbed an old shirt you'd wear to sleep in warm nights, and as soon as your body hit the mattress your eyes closed and you drifted off to sleep.

You had had nightmares before, but none as vivid as the ones you had that day. It was terrifying. Images of armed men threatening you, their hands all over your body, the cold barrel of a gun pressing against your temple, and Bucky nowhere to be seen. It felt real, you could feel them touch you, you could feel the air running out as one of them choked you, and you could feel the coldness of the concrete floor of the room you were kept in.

Suddenly you woke up screaming. You were on the floor, sweaty and disheveled, and your throat hurting as if you had been screaming incessantly for the past 10 minutes.

Your body was shaking and you were scared. No, you were terrified. The images were so vivid, the experience was so real. You scrambled to your feet and desperately gripped the paper with Bucky's number scribbled on that you had left on your drawer.

Although your hands and fingers were shaking uncontrollably you managed to type his number. You shakily and nervously put the phone up to your ear.

"Hello?" His voice was groggy, indicating that you had woken him up. You didn't even know what time it was, you simply didn't think twice before dialing.

"B-Bucky?"

Bucky didn't miss how shaky your voice was, almost as if you were crying, and how breathless you sounded.

"Y/N? Y/N what happened? Are you okay!?"

"Please come over... Please..."

You could hear hurried shuffling from the other side.

"I'm on my way."

It didn't take 10 minutes before you heard a knock on the door. You had remained on the floor, crying and breathing uncontrollably, hoping to calm yourself down, but to no avail.

As soon as the knocks sounded inside of your apartment you got on your feet and wobbled to the door. You immediately fell on his arms, gripping to the familiar leather jacket.

The Soldier held onto you and brought you to the couch right in front you as he closed the door with his foot.

"Y/N! Y/N what happened!? Are you hurt!?" Bucky held your face in his hands and inspected your face and body with a worried look.

"I- I had a nightmare. And it was so real it felt- it felt as if they came back and they were killing me. And I... could feel it. In real life."

Bucky wiped your tears and listened to you carefully. Your words sent a shiver down his spine, he knew all to well what you meant, what you felt. And he was scared that it would became part of your routine, like it was now part of his.

"It's okay. I have them too." Bucky confessed, as he held you close to his chest and brushed your hair with his hand.

Your hands were still desperately clinging to him, as if you believed he'd disappeared if you didn't hold him.

You looked up at Bucky, to find his big, beautiful blue eyes staring right back at you.

"How do you make them go away?"

The question broke Bucky's heart. He didn't have the answer, and that was about the only thing Bucky couldn't protect you against: your own mind. He would know.

"I... I don't know doll."

There was a tense silence, as the words processed in your mind.

"So you just keep having them?"

The sad smile on his lips served as confirmation.

"I'm sorry..."

The soldier caressed your face and smiled, genuinely this time.

"It's okay doll. I'm here for you. Whenever you need, I'll be here to help you, because I know exactly what you're going through, I know what it does to you."

Your faces were close, dangerously close.

"Why?"

Bucky cocked his head ever so slightly, as if asking what you meant by the question.

"Why are you always here for me... We never got along. But you've helped me so much..."

The Soldier caressed your face with his thumb, looking deeply into your eyes.

"It just feels right, I guess."

Your faces got closer and closer, almost as if there was some sort of magnetism between your bodies, and before you knew it, his lips were on yours.

As soon as your lips connected, it felt like electricity was flowing through your body. Your heart was beating dangerously fast again, but this time, due to ecstasy.

Your bodies moved in sync, almost as if you had prepared this beforehand, as Bucky sat straight and you climbed onto his lap. Your arms wrapped around his neck as the soldier's hands travelled up your naked thighs and ass, so they could cheekily rest on the small of your back.

Bucky's tongue entered your mouth, and that was probably the first time you welcomed his dominance so openly, and he didn't miss it, purposefully smiling into the kiss.

When you pulled away, you were both breathless.

"Are you more calm?" Bucky asked, inspecting your face, a little afraid of your reaction (even though you had kissed him back) as he brushed a stray hair away from your face.

"I... am." You confessed, playing with the hairs on his nape.

Bucky kissed your cheek, and then your lips once more.

"Good."

There was silence, and Bucky could tell you wanted to say something, but you were just trying to figure out how, so he gave you time.

"Do you think you could... stay?"

"Yeah, I can. I can stay, I'll stay as long as you want me to."

[TAGS]

@kandis-mom ; @ashovertheriver ; @browneyedgirl22 ; @verygraphicink

[facewithoutheart]

Personal update after the break ❤️ heed the tags

I’ve always been a bit of a TMI mess so just throwing this out there because a) I like people knowing this but hate updating people individually and b) it’s helping me process.

At the end of my 2.5 week South American vacation with my husband I came down with what I thought as food poisoning. (Or, at the very very start, acute hatred of crowds at museums.) Anyway I went back to our hotel and started puking for about 18 hours. Which was a problem, given we were meant to go home the next day. Eventually my husband agreed with me that I was not getting better and we delayed our flight for another day.

On Jan 3 at about 3pm I finally felt normal. Like, I got an appetite. It was amazing. I sent my husband on a mission to bring me food and took a celebratory nap.

This is likely when my appendix burst.

I woke up in severe pain. Like. Severe. 6 or 7 on the pain scale. We waited all night but nothing made it better. Eventually my husband got me dressed and ready for the flight because a) we still thought this was a really bad case of food poisoning (I made him google appendicitis since the pain was that bad but nothing we read made it sound like that’s what I was experiencing.) and b) whatever was hurting me we wanted to be back in our own country where we had access to more resources and spoke the same language. My husband can speak some Spanish, but struggles with vocabulary, and this wasn’t a situation where we wanted to miss things in translation.

I was under the delusion that if I could just curl up in my own bed everything would be better.

Onward through a bumpy cab ride, pre-customs (where I had to sit on my luggage to not pass out… keep in mind I’d barely eaten anything besides some water and Colombian pedialyte for 2.5 days), get through security, walk to the gate (by this point every movement of my feet felt Sisyphean), get through a second, special, just for me baggage check where I had to take off and put my shoes on (seriously cannot overstate how painful that was), and then suffer through a 6 hour turbulent flight. All without looking sick because we were afraid they wouldn’t fly us home if I looked sick.

Ok! So now we’re back in the states. I am holding on for my comfy bed (remember: delusionally). We get through US customs in a surprisingly efficient manner, then head for our Lyft with Larry. Oh, Larry. He was the world’s slowest driver, bless him.

We get home, I pout at the bed until my husband put the sheets on, and then immediately flopped onto them.

And did not feel better. Worse, actually.

After being betrayed by the bed that was meant to cure me, I made more sad noises at my husband until we decided to call in the A team: my sister, the nurse.

She didn’t answer.

So I called my mom. Or, I called my mom and made my husband talk to her while I continued to make sad noises. We all have our coping mechanisms. She told us to go to urgent care, which is a shock if you know my mom. She’s minimized my illnesses my whole life so when she said, “Christina doesn’t complain about being sick until she’s really sick so maybe you should get it checked out.” Then my sister called back and helped talk us into a stand-alone ER which has facilities much like a standard ER but much faster and with a private room.

That’s probably the purpose of this whole story so holding it again: I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I saying going to a stand-alone ER (in the US) saved my life. Or at least helped avoid an invasive longer recovery surgery. To find one, you’re basically looking for an ER associated with a main hospital group, but not inside the main hospital compound. They’re a little hard to find so that’s the best I can do.

Ok so onward to the stand-alone ER. I’ll remind you at this point we’re still operating under the idea that I have really bad food poisoning, maybe severe dehydration. We get to the ER, check in, get taken back to the room, sing our story for some IV fluids, and I even got a warmed up blanket.

Heaven, if you ask me.

Fast-forward: they do a series of tests on me and conclude that my appendix has ruptured, possibly some time ago, and it’s imperative that I get surgery. Like, appendix where are you? They can’t even see it lol. They do double check my gall bladder just in case, which is another common problem FYI keep that in mind people who were born female.

Now the only question is whether or not I get a bed. Keep in mind I’m sitting pretty. The warm blankets, remember? The hospitals nearby are all full. People in the hallways waiting for care. Not ideal! The doctor tells his own horror story about his father being unable to find a room in a hospital to wait for surgery that will come 🤷‍♀️. (Coincidence: this doctor was Peruvian so that was fun! Since we’d just been.)

Luck is on my side because there’s a surgeon who will take me straight to the operating room. I get an ambulance ride (no sirens ☹️) but I do have a fun, chatty EMT who gawks at the number of ambulances stuck in the ambulance dock at the hospital to which I’m transferred. (Another bonus: the hospital is five minutes from my house.)

I pretty much immediately go into surgery. “Teetering” is the word the surgeon used about how bad I was doing. My husband estimated that I likely wouldn’t have survived another 24 hours in that condition. Fun times! Something to process later.

Moving on. I’m two days post-op, feeling great (great enough to write this!) and I’ve moved onto clear liquids, which is so awesome you guys. JELLO! ON PRESCRIPTION! I had a grape slushee yesterday, things are swinging back my way. I do have recovery issues (need to poop ☹️ need to get my ng tube removed ☹️☹️☹️ need to be able to blow a little green tube until it reaches 2,000 or something), but I’ve reached a stage where recovery is measurable so omfg my engineer husband is so happy. He has notes. He is getting a whole thrill out of making doctors explain things to him like he’s an idiot. Aside from the fact, you know, his wife’s appendix tried to kill her or whatever and the fact he’s got to actually go into the grocery store.

Meanwhile I get to measure my success in farts, which is really fun. The surgeon was like “I know you ladies don’t like talking about gas” and I was like “sir you saved my life with minimally invasive surgery but I cannot begin to tell you how little I care about talking about farts. Farts, farts, farts.” And then tried to see if we knew any of the same doctors so he’d pull my ng tube faster. No dice. He used this thing called “logic” and also “your belly was full of puss that I had to suck out so maybe do what I say” blah blah blah (no seriously I am super grateful for him; modern medicine, hospital system mess aside, is a marvel and I’m so happy I live in a world where a laparoscopic surgery was able to treat my issues with minimal side effects).

Anyway, that’s my story! Appendixes: sleeping nightmares, apparently. Lurking. Even when you’re 36 and way past appendicitis phase if you ask me. Way more trendy for a woman my age to have gall bladder issues.

Also: props to every man who said there’s no way a man would ever let this issue get as bad as I did because of my insane pain tolerance 🤣 like, thanks for the shout-out but I could do without the hospital stay.

Second shout out to my amazing husband who has been such a champ, getting me things, pushing doctors for answers, advocating for me, and also taking time to slap my ass every time I accidentally flash him with my very sexy hospital gown. He knows how to make me feel both cared for and alive. Ugh I’m gonna cry just thinking about how grateful I am to him. I won’t even make fun of him for WALKING INTO A SONIC SERIOUSLY WHO DOES THAT YOU ANIMAL but I will tease him for googling appendix and saying, “Do you know they don’t even know what the purpose of an appendix is?” Like. Honey. Yes, everyone knows that. But I pretended to be surprised anyways because, like I said. Champ.

Also my husband said my lung exercise machine looks like it has “a dick” which was exactly what I was thinking. Fist bumps. Never grow up.

The end!

[buckybarnesss]

Okay, so I am doing research for my fic and so I'm reading about nogitsune. So far, what I've read indicates that they do sometimes possess people BUT they prefer women because they tend to feed off of the life force of women. They also hide during the day, are afraid of swords and dogs, and are not necessarily always malevolent.

Kira and her mother, by definition, would be considered nogitsune because they are not in service to the goddess Inari.

Tangentially, it does seem that Allison should have been the target of the nogitsune since she is the preferred target. Stiles' weak emotional anchor either played a role in his possession, or he was targeted for a very specific reason (Derek and his dad would do anything to keep him alive, whereas Allison and Scott have weaker protectors.)

this is interesting, definitely. the show didn't really care about appropriate lore so lol.

i do remember how fandom theorized that allison was actually the nogitsune or there was a 2nd nogitsune especially after riddled where she didn't answer her phone when stiles was missing and was left that message in japanese.

you've got me writing meta on this now lol

the so called "darkness around the heart" that came from the proxy sacrifice made scott, allison and stiles the most attractive targets because they were participating in a ritual and left vulnerable

now i have a few ideas as to why stiles was chosen over allison and scott.

we can eliminate scott immediately though. he was left vulnerable but not for possession as he was never an option. he is already something magical. one cannot be a fox and a wolf.

when the cellar collapses during the freak magical storm jennifer created in lunar eclipse allison, isaac, melissa, chris and the sheriff are all right there under the nemeton. allison would've been an easy attractive choice.

however i think the nogistune booked it the hell outta there only to come upon stiles.

after the sacrifice scott went off with deucalion to confront jennifer, lydia went to the loft, allison and isaac went to find the nemeton together and stiles was all alone with the jeep.

where he crashes due to the storm and he was unconscious for an unknown amount of time. so not only was stiles vulnerable due to the proxy sacrifice creating a darkness in his heart but also that he has no mental defenses at that moment.

but was it just the nogitsune hitting the jackpot?

i'm not so sure.

that episode showed us that allison, scott and stiles were all around the nemeton the night of wolf moon.

(also the nogitsune was present when derek killed paige and it would have access to stiles knowing about it. how spicy. how interesting. i'm sure it tehehehe'd about it).

so why stiles and not allison?

allison doesn't have the access stiles does. she's a hunter which gives her fun toys but not full access to the sheriff. the nogitsune possessing stiles destabilized the entire police force by personally compromising the sheriff.

possessing stiles compromised both scott and derek. i cannot stress enough that if scott and derek are both freaking out than nothing gets achieved. sure scott would be useless if allison got possessed but derek would be like "that's sad. anyway." neither of them are willing to kill stiles. scott would rather die and derek would throw himself at anything rather than do that.

stiles knows shit about everyone. he's a smart and resourceful bastard child. the way stiles is the common vector for knowledge someone shouldn't have is high.

allison had a stronger anchor with isaac than stiles did with lydia AND allison and isaac remained together. isaac was literally holding up the ceiling to save everyone. lydia and stiles were separated. maybe if lydia had remained with him it would've helped.

everyone wanted to protect stiles. chris was reluctant to harm him despite the code. it's not that i think chris would be eager to harm or kill allison but i think he'd feel way more obligated to keep her from harming people and terrified of her being kate like. he'd feel responsible for allison doing harm in a way he doesn't for stiles. even peter wanted to help with stiles (whatever his own ends were). tbh i think the only person who wouldn't budge on allison would actually be scott.

and the 6th secret reason is if you believe that stiles is something.

it's interesting that the nemeton tried to warn stiles about the nogitsune and it tried to warn allison about kate being alive.

except allison died.

i think an allison possessed storyline could've been fun though.

[queerpanikkar]

let’s go together

“Did you have some sort of popcorn emergency?” he asks instead. “Like, oh my god we were eating popcorn and then a ladder truck fell from the ceiling and now Eddie’s in the hospital so we couldn’t clean this up, emergency?”

Buck coughs. It’s slight, but sets off warning bells in Ravi’s head. “Actually,” Buck mutters, “Someone died.”

700 words 

Ravi doesn’t know much about the A-shift these days. Things happen—people are needed elsewhere, Ravi’s too afraid to be on A-shift without Lucy there to normalize things, you know how it is—and he’s taken up residence with the cool and ordinary B-shift where none of the firefighters are in gay love with each other and people only almost die every other month instead of every other week.

It’s a bit boring, but he thinks he could use the break. Actually, after being traumatized by chainsaws and not two, but three white man, one of whom turned out to be a murderer (all caps), he thinks he deserves a break. Maybe a vacation. One that doesn’t end with his father having a stroke and driving a car through the wall of his house.

They are so weird. Ravi thinks he might become religious again to start praying for them. Anyway, this is just a long-winded way of saying, that when there’s popcorn spilt over the couch and B-shift is intersecting with the problem children, he takes it upon himself to help out a little, and grabs the dust pan from the broom closet.

Well, he pauses, and tries a few—stale and too buttery, but still more edible than Ana’s muffins. Makes sure no one catches him in the act because they all think he lives in some sort of quasi-frat house where they live on microwave pizza and takeout. As if Marcus doesn’t exclusively shop in the Organic Section and rack up their bill by a hundred dollars.

“What are you doing?” Buck wonders, gratingly. Ravi shudders with some Pavlovian reaction and holds up the dust pan without looking at him.

“Did you have some sort of popcorn emergency?” he asks instead. “Like, oh my god we were eating popcorn and then a ladder truck fell from the ceiling and now Eddie’s in the hospital so we couldn’t clean this up, emergency?”

Buck coughs. It’s slight, but sets off warning bells in Ravi’s head. “Actually,” Buck mutters, bleak and exhausted and yearning for hope that he expects Ravi to give him. “We lost someone today. Sorry, one of us should’ve cleaned it up. It’s just—”

“You don’t have to—” Ravi cuts himself off with a frustrated tsk. He motions to the slightly less popcorn-y side of the sofa, and Buck sinks into it like a marionette doll with all of its strings cut. 

Ravi sits on the coffee table across from him. They’re both so tall that their knees keep knocking into each other, but neither of them move. They’re friends—Ravi knows that—but it aches sometimes, to see Buck so immutably sad.

Buck’s mouth purses into a scowl. “We should get our lives together.”

Ravi splutters. Like, yeah, Buck’s sad, but Ravi did not sign up to have a joint-existential crisis. He gets enough of that as a Hashtag Zillenial. 

“Who is we?” he demands. “I am—my life is so great. It’s like—the opposite of Ned Fulmer’s life right now. Maybe you should be having this conversation with him, did you ever think of that?”

Buck squints. “Who is Ned?” he asks. “Is he on B-shift?”

“Maybe you should be on the B-shift,” Ravi replies, both fiercely and nonsensically.

That gets a smug grin out of him. “Why?” Buck asks. “Miss me?”

Ravi mocks him—”Whymissme?”—and then, because he doesn’t know how to leave well enough alone and Buck sorta reminds him of that dumpster cat behind his apartment that he’s trying to convince Sebastian to adopt, “So what happened on the call, exactly?”

Buck stares at something behind Ravi. Though, unless they’ve got a station paranormal demon, which Ravi wouldn’t put past them, there’s nothing there. “I have a problem with old men.”

“Okay.”

He explains it to Ravi in bits—a kid or the old man, their conversation, “I think I get it now”, the crush injury.

It’s been a hell of a day.

“Hmmm,” Ravi considers afterwards, because he’s not going to make it worse for himself and think about death and dying any more than he has to. “I guess it puts into perspective what’s really important, right? Like, I’m sure he gets it. All dying people remember are their regrets.”

“What if I don’t want any regrets?” Buck murmurs, as if Ravi didn’t just learn how to read 20 years ago. 

“Well then, I guess you gotta go for it.” Ravi wonders if they’re talking about Eddie Diaz. “Maybe you should go to your own happy meal convention.”

“Right,” Buck says distractedly. Which, wow, Ravi just made the joke of all time. “Thanks, man.”

“Oh, anytime,” Ravi replies (actually, let’s not do this again ever), and tries not to make cleaning up popcorn a metaphor for friendship.

[ailendolin]

Whump Wednesday - 55 - BBC Ghosts

Title: Weaving Baskets [AO3]

Characters: Humphrey, The Captain, Thomas, Mary and Annie

Prompt: A story about Humphrey finding out about Mary and mourning her loss. - Prompt sent in by the lovely @bitchytidalwavebouquetworld-blog

A/N: This was both incredibly difficult and cathartic to write, to be honest. I've dealt with a huge personal loss this year so writing about grief now hits a little closer to home than it would have before. Because of that, I'm not quite sure I managed to do your prompt and Humphrey justice but I hope you enjoy your fic anyway!

Prompts are open, so if you want me to write a story for you as well just send me an ask with the fandom, characters and your prompt. I’m writing for Ghosts, Yonderland, Horrible Histories and Bill at the moment.

Six Idiots Whump Wednesday / Fluff Friday masterlist is here.

————

Weaving Baskets

“Humphrey. Now, I’m afraid I have some rather sad news.”

Humphrey did not know what exactly he’d expected to come after that statement – a report of his body having had yet another tryst without his knowledge, perhaps? – but it certainly hadn’t been this.

“Oh,” he said softly as the Captain’s words sank in. In his mind, he saw a light, surprised faces, a brief moment of peace – and then nothing. Nothing but grief.

It was unbelievable; unfathomable. “When – when did it happen?”

The Captain cleared his throat. “Earlier today. There was no warning. The light just appeared above her and then she was … then she was gone. Just like that.”

He bowed his head and looked away, still in shock even though he’d had a whole day to come to terms with what had happened – a whole day that Humphrey had spent outside, completely unaware that a part of his world had been missing for hours and would never return. Anger mixed with desperation, shock and grief and clawed its way up his throat. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

The Captain’s eyes flicked up to meet his. They were shining with shame and guilt when he admitted, “To be honest? It didn’t even cross my mind. I – that is, we – were so caught up in the moment, so … so lost that there was no room for anything but her.” He cleared his throat once more before he straightened his back. “I know that doesn’t make it right, and I am sorry we forgot about you, Humphrey. So very sorry. You should have been with us at the memorial.”

“Memorial?” Humphrey echoed, feeling a pit open up in his stomach – wherever it and the rest of his body were right now.

The Captain nodded tightly. “Yes, well – it was Alison’s idea, really. And Thorne – Thomas, I should say – came up with quite the lovely way of commemorating Mary, believe it or not.”

Humphrey listened in silence as the Captain told him about all the things Alison had gathered in Mary’s memory and found himself desperately wishing that he had been there, that just this once the others would have remembered to bring him along. Still, when the Captain mentioned the basket he couldn’t help the wet chuckle that escaped him.

“Five potatoes high,” they said in unison. Their eyes met. “She never said how large the potatoes had to be, did she?”

The Captain shook his head. “And we never asked.”

Humphrey sighed heavily. “No, we did not.”

There was a beat of silence before the Captain hung his head and admitted in a broken voice, “I shall miss her, Humphrey. Very much.”

Humphrey’s face softened. “I think we all will, mate.”

The Captain nodded in defeat and squeezed his eyes shut. For several long seconds, he stood perfectly still before he sucked in a shuddering, heart-breaking breath.

“Do you mind if I sat you down?” he managed to choke out, pointing at the sofa. “I … I think I need a moment alone.”

He looked so genuinely apologetic for being overwhelmed by his grief that Humphrey didn’t have the heart to tell him no even though the last thing he wanted right now was to be alone.

“Of course not. Just put me upright against the – yes, thank you.”

He watched the Captain stiffly turn around and walk out of the room, his shoulders a little more hunched and his pace a little less brisk than it usually was as if he was weighed down by his grief. Humphrey wondered if he’d look the same were his head attached to his body right now or just lost and empty. His thoughts instinctively shied away from the pain of Mary’s loss and he had to force them right into the centre of his grief just so he would feel something apart from this hollow numbness that had taken up residence inside his heart the moment the Captain had broken the news to him.

His heart.

Humphrey closed his eyes in regret.

Mary had once told him that his body, “be that bit that hath the heart.” While he’d understood what she was trying to say at the time he couldn’t say he had actually believed her words. Now he would give anything for her to have been right because it would mean he wouldn’t have to feel his heart breaking into a hundred jagged pieces right now as centuries worth of memories flashed through his mind. They reminded him of the sunlight in Mary’s eyes when she smiled, the nervousness in her hands when she fiddled with her apron and the clear sound of her voice every time she laughed and called him head bit.

Humphrey had always hated that nickname, if one could even call it that. But now? Now he desperately wished he could hear her say it one last time.

To his surprise, he felt tears well up in his eyes. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had cried. It must have been when–

Humphrey felt his throat close up.

Annie.

By some stroke of luck, he had been present when Mary came back alone from her walk that day and told the others what had happened. She’d looked at them for a long moment afterwards, her eyes sadder than Humphrey had ever seen them, before she’d given a little shrug and turned away as if it didn’t matter, as if she hadn’t just lost the best friend she ever had. Humphrey had grieved more for her loss that day than his own, and it was perhaps for that reason that losing Mary hit him so much harder now: because this time, he was grieving his for himself.

He didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.

Feeling a sob claw its way up his throat, Humphrey pressed his lips as tightly together as he could. The room suddenly felt too large, too empty. Would anyone even notice if the light took him now? Would they miss him? Would they mourn him?

He sucked in a trembling breath. Where was his body when he needed it? He couldn’t stay here, on his own. Not now, not when–

“Humphrey,” he heard a soft voice say in surprise. Humphrey opened his eyes to see Thomas standing over him, his face unusually sombre. “What are you doing here? I thought you were with the Captain.”

He looked around the room with a frown. Humphrey couldn’t tell if he was angry or worried. A bit of both, perhaps.

“He needed a moment,” he said at last.

“I see,” Thomas said with a sigh. He briefly glanced at the door the Captain had left through before his eyes met Humphrey’s again. “Would you like me to take you with me or would you prefer to be alone?”

No, Humphrey thought desperately. Anything but that.

“I’d like some company if you don’t mind,” he said softly.

With a small smile and a nod, Thomas picked him up. His hands were gentle upon Humphrey’s face, careful in a way they’d never been before, and it was that gentleness that proved to be too much.

“Oh Humphrey,” Thomas whispered as the tears Humphrey had managed to kept at bay so far finally welled over. Humphrey sniffed but didn’t try to stop them. What good would it do anyway? Thomas knew exactly how he felt and would not mock him for grieving – of that, if little else, Humphrey was sure in that moment. So he let his tears fall, let Thomas brush them away with his thumb and dab them dry with his sleeve until no more would come and the storm inside him became a distant rumbling.

“Feel better?” Thomas asked, keeping his voice just as gentle as his touches.

Humphrey looked up at him. “Not really. Just tired.”

“Maybe this will help,” Thomas said. Instead of explaining, he wordlessly ascended the stairs and went to his sighing place where he curled up by the window and angled Humphrey’s head so he could look up at the sky.

“We picked a star for her,” Thomas said quietly, his voice hushed and almost reverent. He pointed at the stars. “See that one? The one that twinkles? That’s Mary.”

Blinking against a fresh wave of tears, Humphrey gazed up at the sky. It was breathtakingly clear, and just like Thomas had said there was one star that seemed to twinkle a little more brightly and merrier than the others.

“Annie is right beside her,” Thomas added softly.

The grief that had seemed so unbearable only a moment ago suddenly mellowed into something softer and gentler as Humphrey looked up at the two stars that twinkled side by side in the sky just like they had as ghosts. For the first time since the Captain had picked him up earlier, he found it easy to breathe.

“Mary would like that.”

Thomas nodded, still looking at the sky. “Yes, I think she would. I hope they’re happy wherever they are.”

They fell silent as they continued gazing at the stars. Neither of them said anything when the Captain joined them by the window, nor when the others, Humphrey’s body included, found their way to it as well. Thomas simply shifted a little to make room for them before he returned his gaze to the heavens again, to Mary and Annie and all the other bright souls that made up the universe above them.

It was only when the sun began to tint the horizon in beautiful yellows and oranges that he broke the silence. “A new day dawns.”

The Captain softly cleared his throat before he mimicked holding a glass. “To Mary.”

“To Mary,” they echoed.

Humphrey expected everyone to leave and shuffle off to bed then but to his surprise no one moved. They fell asleep right where they were, leaning on each other in more ways than one, and Humphrey’s heart, beating just somewhere to his left, felt full despite missing the part that Mary had taken up to the stars with her.

His eyes met Thomas’s in the gentle morning light and something soft and silent passed between them. One of Thomas’s hands settled on Humphrey’s head, gently resting there, and Humphrey allowed his tired eyes to fall close.

Cradled in the midst of his family, he fell asleep and dreamed of blues and yellows and weaving baskets five potatoes high.