#anyway ive been struggling recently with school and work

[crunchity-munchity]

Having to remind myself constantly that being able to balance bith a job and college at the same time is actually a pretty impressive feat for people like me (disabled both physically and mentally). And that I shouldn't push myself to be perfect all the time because the fact that I'm here at all is impressive

[coldvampire]

trying soo hard to be normal and Good At Conversation this time

[rd0265667]

Eunchae x Reader: Savior

TW!Bullying

(NOTE: The depictions of IVE in this story are NOT ACCURATE)

Stream Unforgiven yall

"Will you stop looking? You're so creepy." Kazuha teased, lightly nudging Eunchae on the shoulder, who slowly shook herself back to attention, her focus straying away from the conversation her unniess were having, ending up elsewhere.

"Aigoo, does Eunchae have a crush?" Yunjin giggled, patting Eunchae on the back who shook her head in exasperation, trying to dispel the notion, to no avail

"Aish, they all grow up too fast..." Sakura sighed, before Chaewon began laughing

"I mean, time passes faster when you're as old as you." Sakura and Chaewon began bickering, Kazuha and Yunjin joining in as Eunchae smiled, shaking her head at her unnies antics.

Her gaze went back to where it was previously, as her eyebrows furrowed.

'What are they doing?'

Eunchae gritted her teeth, this wasn't an uncommon sight, and they had been a pest for far too long.

"Y/N!" You sighed, the voice all too familiar to you. Great, I was already having a bad day, what's worse. "What do you want Yujin..." You replied monotonously, looking up to see 6 girls who have made your life in school, interesting "Aish, Y/N, is that anyway to speak to your friends?" Wonyoung questioned, a slight mocking tone on her voice "Friends don't bully their friends now, do they?" You slowly went back to your food, before Gaeul snatched the bowl in front of you, slowly slurping up your noodles You clenched your fist, glaring at them but exercising your self control to the best of your ability. With a content sigh, Gaeul set the bowl on the table "Besides, Y/N, we're here to help you!" She pulled out a bouquet from behind her back, as you cringed at the sight of it "See, we found this in your locker just now, and we were just thinking, hmm, what happened to poor Y/N?" Gaeul asked mockingly, throwing the bouquet in your face. "Which rejection is this?" Yujin asked out loud "Hmm, Karina, Chaeryoung, Hikaru, Yeji, Minju, 6th one this year then." "Aish, that's so pathetic, seems you like so many people, if only there were someone who liked you, so who is the new one?" Gaeul taunted, as you turned away, anger seething but calming yourself down. Gaeul was right though, you had a bad habit of falling too easily. They'd just help you out, smile at you, and you'd fall, just like that, following them like a lovesick puppy, till you eventually get rejected.

Haewon was the recent one you fell for, you worked up the courage to tell her, only to get rapidly friend-zoned. Turns out, You have many many friends. Infatuation often hit you hard, but honestly, all you wanted was to love someone who loved you back "Leave me alone, Gaeul, please." You groaned, grabbing about your pockets to see if you could get something else, your hunger not yet sated. Nothing. Great. "Aww, but why? We're friends Y/N, we're hanging out with you!" She laughed, roughly pushing you towards the other girls, as you stumbled, struggling to catch your balance, the bouquet nearly slipping out of your hand. "Hey, you found it!" You turned your head in confusion as you saw a girl from your homeroom running to you. Hong Eunchae, you think to yourself.  She quickly wrested the bouquet from your hands, before clinging onto your arm, taking a deep whiff of it. "Why haven't you texted me! I've been waiting for your text for so long!" She tugged at your shoulder, pouting as she stared at you, your heart's pace quickening "I'm sorry, who are you?" Gaeul questioned, a little confused at what was going on. "I'm Hong Eunchae, Y/N's girlfriend." She explained, as the cogs in your head started to slowly spin, if this was going to get the 6 of them off your back, you'd be more than willing to play along. "Sorry, Eunchae-ah, I'll be with you soon, I need to go get some money from my bag to get some food." You said, as you walked towards the locker, the 6 girls in front of you rolling their eyes, walking away, their fun ruined. You smiled to the girl still clinging onto your arm as the 6 girls walked out of your sight, silently thanking the gods for a saviour. Kudos for sending such an adorable one too. "Thank you, Eunchae-Ssi." You bowed, as she waved her hands. "No worries, and you can just call me Eunchae!" She said, smiling brightly as she still clung onto your shoulder "Sure! I need to go get my money now, so..." You slowly tried to withdraw your hand, skinship with someone you had few interactions with wasn't something you were used to, but Eunchae refused to budge. "Nonsense. I saw Gaeul take your food just now, I'll get you another bowl, you just get seated at with my unnies alright?" She insisted, tugging at your arm as she walked you to the table, seating you next to her vacant seat as she walked over to the food shop. You smiled awkwardly at the 4 girls at the table, 3 of them smiling at you, one not as much. You recognised one of the smiling girls to be Yunjin, you have Literature together, and you partnered with her for a project once. "Hey Yunjin!" You greeted, the girl lighting up at the fact that you still remembered her. "Hey Y/N! It's nice to see you again. Just a quick introduction, this is Kazuha, Chaewon and Sakura." You bowed to each of them, as they all greeted you, Chaewon doing so a little monotonously. Sitting at the table awkwardly, you smiled at the girls, before Chaewon whispered ominously to you, "Break her heart and I break you."  Before you could ask what that was about, Eunchae quickly set the bowl down, beckoning you to eat, though in your periphery, you noticed Sakura lightly nudging Chaewon. Hmm, wonder what that's about? Regardless, you had 5 minutes before class started, so you wolved the meal down, as the 6 of you got up from the table, ready to head to class, before you stopped Eunchae, who beckoned the rest to go to class

"Thank you for earlier Eunchae, I owe you one." You thanked, as Eunchae smiled back. 'She's cute' "How bout I cash that in now?" Eunchae questioned, as you tilted your head in confusion "Let's go out, together." Eunchae took a deep breath, looking nervously at you "You mean like a date?" "I guess?" Eunchae asked, her nervous tone not lost upon you. "Umm, sure!" You said, as Eunchae's face lit up, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she giggled. "Give me your phone?" She stuck her hand out, before keying her number into your phone, before handing it back to you. "Now close your eyes!" A little suspicious, you still obliged, before feeling Eunchae taking your hand in hers, lifting it, before kissing the back of your hand "I'll see you around Y/N!" Eunchae shouted out, before running to her room Still stunned, you took your phone out, seeing Eunchae's number, saved as "Girlfriend hopefully?"

You chuckled to yourself, perhaps your savior could be the one for you

[d1et-cok3]

Hey so i know i haven't posted in a month or two and im sorry about that but for like all of November Ive been in a binge cycle and i cant stop its genuinely scares me how much i eat and im constantly hungry i an feel my body begging for food and Ive recently started looking forward to meals which is terrifying i can see myself getting fatter instead of skinnier and it makes me wanna die i just want to stop eating but its getting so fucking hard to even skip one meal then i get home i eat more its like all my self control is gone and all my progress is going down the drain im horrified of getting back into the 170s i was so huge and at least right now im not as big as before but Ive been smaller even though i never really been small in the first place Ive been fat all my life and i need to break the cycle and be the skinniest one in my family and friend group i want to look pretty in clothes and be able to shower without wanting to drown myself right then and there and i cant help but notice how many times Ive said im getting back on track but it never works i miss my honeymoon phase when i dropped like 15 pounds in a month then it all just kid of froze and i gained and dropped the same weight for like 3 months and now im gaining even more and it feels like im suffocating in it in all of the food i eat and my fat i miss almost passing out when i stood up and always being dizzy i miss the dread when it came to eating not me squealing like a pig in excitement i can tell its bad when i finish my food or get seconds or eat faster or let myself get dirty plus i broke my phone so i cant track everything as efficiently especially because of school and its been really hard and i don't have a scale and i can feel clothes that were getting looser getting tight again and its mortifying i want to die or just bleed out i want to cut all the fat out of my body and just be skinny i know i need to love the process but its hurts and this cycle has hurt me worse physically and mentally then starving ever did i miss bruising easily being pale and looking like i hadn't slept or ate in days i wish that i didn't give in so easily its embarrassing how sometimes i ask if someones hungry and they say no but i eat anyway my brain still judges people for being fat when there skinnier than me and it hurts because i wish that i could be that skinny and eat food without gaining its not fair people in my school say that they wanna be fat or gain lots of weight and i tell them why they don't but they don't understand how much worse literally my whole life is because of it sorry about my ramble i just am struggling to cope with his and a lot of shit is happening in my life and me losing control is not helping i hope this is the last time i have to say this but i am going to be getting my life together and i will be skinny my goal was to be skinny by Christmas while i know that cant happen now kms but i can be skinnier and i can be better then now i hope to weigh less than my sister for once and get the smaller size unlike now when i bet a size bigger every time people will buy us stuff and she gets a small and i get a medium and there like i hope it fits like im not that fat damn but there right Jesus that was a lot to type anyways wish me luck and i really hope this works ill try and update you on my progress but i might forget lol. bye thank you.

November 29th 2023

[spicyicetea]

So I once again got pre-occupied with my school work. I had a decently big test recently and I have two more on Tuesday and Wednesday so I’ve mainly been trying to revise. However in my down time I have done more work for the Pokemon stuff @witch-without-gender and I started [How you doing dude, hope you’re feeling ok]. I decided to make a separate post to cull the big chunky post a little.

✨So here’s the update✨

The region still remains unnamed but, from previous discussions in the longer reblogs, the region is connected to Unova and vaguely based on Canada. I haven’t put too much thought into the region itself, like it’s history as I wish to leave that to a group decision as it’s rather important information for me to decide it alone.

The Gym leaders for the region are chosen to be parallels for the Unova gym leaders, their typing being super effective against the BW2 Unova leaders. [Same as the elite four]. The types I chose are,

Fighting

Psychic

Fire

Ground

Water

Rock

Ice

Electric

And the elite four are,

Dark

Fairy

Bug

Flying

Ive only designed half on them so far,

One of the champions [This region has two] is the mother of one of the rivals I’ve designed. She plays many roles in the current main story that would be played if it were an actual game. In the beginning she gives you your starter as the regions professor is on a trip in Unova. The professor ends up being someone who works under her in an organisation she runs to keep an eye on the other champion who is rather scummy. Her organisation is framed as the bad guys by said scummy guy to keep her in line so he can keep control over the region. You would fight her as the champion but before you fight the other one to claim the title he would send you to take down her “evil team”. There you would face a second much stronger team of hers, only balanced by having a very large weakness to fairy, ice and dragon.

The rival and MCs have been a tad bit reworked since I last drew them but there’s no new context or information regarding them.

The biggest addition so far is this regions version of the battle tower, or I suppose the battle subway given I’m using Unova as inspiration for the entire region. [I do actually already have some ideas of characters who would get along/work with eachother across this region and Unova. My sister has been playing a lot of splatoon and I tend to listen to the soundtrack while drawing so I present to you, battle fest!

This would work as weekly in game battle tournament where you fight various trainers and then fight one of the leaders who has a full team and teams of rather strong Pokemon. It’s run by 5 separate trainers who all specialise in specific stats (hp, attack, defence, speed), although the actual leader has no specific stat and just builds their team around pokemon they like. Oh and they're all just different shades of autistic [I am autistic so I project onto them a lot, mainly the one I've drawn the most of so far]

If you can't tell, I adore these five. Levana is the one I projected onto the most (Oopsy) and shes designed to appear rather sweet and approachable but is feral, most definety tries to bite everything. Given these guys are new characters I'll give some extra information on them, or at least Levana as I haven't had too much time to dive into the others as I want to post this asap as I’m trying not to be inactive. Anyway, onto the information!

Levana was orphaned after the train line in their region was derailed by a wild Pokemon. Due to the Pokemon being protected and the area having no safe way to guarantee it wouldn’t happen again so it was never repaired. Being a small, at the time semi-non-verbal (not fully but after losing the only people she was comfortable around she struggled to talk to people). She was taken under the wing of the regional professor. She grew up around pokemon and were always comfortable talking to them, to a point where she seems to understand them and vice versa. Over time she gained a talent for battling as she would make mock battle situations with Pokemon she befriended around the lab and as she grew older she gained more confidence in herself and began speaking to people again at around the age of 15. By 18 she officially has her own Pokemon (A Noibat,King, and Honedge, Excalibur) and decides she has to do something with her life so buys a ticket to sinnoh to create the strongest team she can and attempt the gym challenge in her home region. In sinnoh she catches two sneasles, one being a strange discoloured version she wanted to bring back to the lab for the professor to research but she became attached to it. (Pringle and Bingo join her team) later she found a togepi while camping and she found it eating her toothpaste. She ended up feeding it and it followed her for a day before she offered it a pokeball and it joined her team (Colgate acquired) On the way back she has to go on a longer boat trip past other regions as she doesn’t like planes. She made friends with one of the other passengers who gifted her a charcadet called Wisp as a parting gift when she had to get off at her region. When she got back however, the professor was missing and she had no home to return to, after having a really harsh encounter she meets Briar, the water type gym leader who offers her a place to stay and they hit it off (they both autistic so they automatically click, if you know you know). Elesa comes to meet Briar regarding a modelling gig and meets Levana, who offers to let Briar bring her along to the studio so she wouldn’t be left alone (let’s be real Elesa is that one neurotypical friend we autistic people get somehow. She has experience with how the neurodivergent minds can work from Ingo and Emmet). While in Nimbasa, Briar bought her a cookie while they and Elesa did the shoot but a Joltik stole half the cookie while she was waving bye. She chased the Joltik into the subway station where she encountered the battle subway for the first time. The Joltik casually clambered onto her shoulder and she assumed, this was fate, and decided to try it to pass the time. She did decently well before encountering Emmet and getting her ass kicked. This however just inspires her to get stronger and she dubs him, and eventually Ingo when she meets him, her idols and she vows to beat them one day before heading home with Briar.[She was gifted the Joltik by the brothers and she dubbed him Crumble] With support from Briar she calls the friends she made on her travels and starts the BattleFest to get stronger and show her home region the joys of battling for fun and not just competition.

Thats all I have and this will prob be the longest info block about the battlefest people as she is important to the current story I have planned for the actual region. But uhh here have some fun facts about her:

She used to have a phobia of trains but after crumble basically ratatouilles her into the battle subway and she befriends Emmet it completely flips and now she’s obsessed with them. She has a model train in her apartment.

She sews small clothes and accessories for her Pokemon, Crumble have mini replicas of the Submas brothers’ jackets and hats.

She has to fight Colgate out of her bathroom because it likes trying to steal her toothpaste.

Pringle and Bingo are besties and often preform heists to steal Levana’s food.

Levana makes Pokemon friendly fur dyes/paints so she can make her Pokemon feel special and match her when she dyes her hair.

[This is all I have as of now but I will update by Wednesday and that’s a promise!]

[thoughts-and-gayers]

ive been thinking about civil rights recently, specifically trans rights, as thats a marginalized group im a part of thats actively being hurt. i see people talking about the awful things done to trans people, the hate speech, the bills signed into law that make it dangerous for us to even exist. its terrifying to me, to think that im going to be leaving high school and entering a world that actively wants to kill me.

i just watched jessie gender's multi-hour video on jk rowling, and it articulated so many of my thoughts about transness in our. current society that i had no idea how to say. one thing she emphasized was how talking about these specific people, these little one-off incidents, is counterproductive. obviously things like hogwarts legacy and "what is a woman" matter, but should we really be talking about them as much as we are when anti-trans bills are passed faster than we can keep track of?

the way our society is right now, short and snappy thoughts about those tiny 24 hour stories are the only thing that gets attention. when you talk about trans rights, youre saying "dont support harry potter", youre not saying "stop the us government from actively hurting trans people".

but people dont listen when you talk about the big stuff. talking about the latest drama is much more entertaining than talking about the actual horrors that people are facing. we're at a point where we can call pointing and laughing at bigots a form of activism.

its so much easier not to learn about the deeper issues. for non-marginalized folk especially, supporting the marginalized celebrity is a lot easier than addressing systematic issues. but we dont get that privilege. we have to go to bat for the big shit, with or without allies. we dont get the luxury, the privilege, of not taking the time to understand and address bigotry and its sources.

im so tired. its exhausting even just learning about everything thats happening. and im not out of high school yet, so theres not a lot i can actually do out there. im trying to learn everything i can about everything thats happening, and its just so exhausting, all the time. on top of that, i also spend my energy on educating other people, trying to get them to understand what's taken me hours of work to get to myself.

and as a white person, i cant even imagine how much harder it must be for POC, especially when they exist at intersections of queerness, womanhood, disability, and/or more. im trying my best to learn about specific struggles that don't necessarily apply to me, but theres so much that a lot of the time i dont even know where to start.

cis, straight, male, white, abled, allo; people who fall under these dont have an obligation to learn about any marginalized group theyre not a part of, especially if theyre not a part of any of them. but they can still go online and say "fuck celebrity x" and get lauded as the pinnacle of allyship. they can make short, snappy, performative displays of their helpfulness without putting in any of the work to actually help. they have the privilege to do so. i as a white person have the privilege to do so, even if i try not to.

im so scared to go out into the world after i graduate and face all these inequalities, to try and deal with the horrors that high school and the internet have only been a small taste of. the most i can do is learn as much as i can before then, but i lose the motivation to every day when theres so little i can do to help; when the people who can help choose to do nothing anyway.

and this post, the closest thing my hungover ass can get to an in-depth analysis, likely wont get any attention at all. its not short, its not snappy, its not entertaining. its just a teenage nonbinary lesbian ranting about existential dread for way longer than he probably should have. and no, this isnt me begging for a reblog otherwise youre a bad person. saying stuff like that doesnt help anyway, since people would just snuff it out of spite instead of looking at the overall message. its just the way things are, not just here but everywhere.

im just so scared, and tired, and sad, and angry, all the fucking time.

[cas-coding]

my mom is being a dick so im making it all your guys problem because i dont have therapy until thursday

im going to put my vent below the cut because it will probably get triggering, but id appreciate if you guys would let me know any official terms for what my mom is doing to me/if there are any online resources to help

so my mom got home from work today and she was really pissed at everyone and everything. she yelled at me to take out the trash (which i usually do on tuesdays, but much closer to 5pm than the 3pm that it was at that moment) and i said sure let me finish this snack and if i have time before i have to pick up my brother, ill do it then. if not ill do it after.

she said okay and went back to her little candy crush game. two minutes later she tells me i need to pick up my brother. i say yeah i know. ill leave to pick him up at 4pm (which is roughtly 45 min away atp) and she sighs and says fine.

im like okay im not taking this bait. so i finish my snack and i do the garbage. then i pick up my brother and he's a dick to me too. leaves his metal waterbottle on the floor of my car where it will bang around and distract me from driving (i have drivers ocd and a lot of driving anxiety, so ive told him multiple times not to do this and hes usually good with it) and then my brother is all dramatic about getting out of the car and his knee hurting (he is 15) and i say the house isnt that far but im sorry it hurts and he calls me a bitch. what was i supposed to say

but anyway back to my mom. i havent told her my daily stories yet (and i know im fortunate to have parents that care about my day to day) so i tell her this story relating to my friend. i say hey he's been doing this recently and it's annoying and i wish he would stop. i talked to him about it a couple times and he wont stop.

my mom looks me dead in the eye and asks me why im so dramatic about everything. why does it bother you so much. its your fault. get over it. stuff like that. and she says it in this perfectly nice loving mothering voice. im sorry, what?

i said that ive asked him to stop and we've had conversations and he wont. i said its not my fault im trying, please don't say that to me. and my mom just keeps going on, saying oh youre overreacting, just get over it, why are you so pissy with all of your friends.

so im like emotionally exhausted and i blurt out that i have trauma from past friends. my second grade best friend moved away and then ignored my phone calls. my fourth grade best friend moved across the country and never responded to my (five!!!) letters. i told my seventh grade best friend that i thought i might not be a girl (surprise, im a trans man) and she called me the t-slur (i know i can say it, but i really dont like it because of this experience). i told my mom that that friend then went on to tell all of my high school friends (who only knew my chosen name) my birth name and then those friends struggled to use my chosen name ever again because 'oh your birth name fits you so much better!'

and you know what my mom said? she started lecturing me. how i cant let people hurt me. how its my fault i get mad at people. how im the reason no one wants to be my friend. how im damaged goods because of all the shit i wont get over. etc.

and i dont care if my mom makes me food. i dont care if she gives me a house to live in. that's bare minimum and i am not required to love her for that.

and she's never once proved to me that she deserves my love, so in ten years when shes wondering why i never call, this is only one reason why. she does this in so many ways and so many scenarios that i dont know how anyone tolerates her.

as soon as i can financially leave her, i will, and i will never look back.

[princesscaloriesblog]

blog entry 1 - dumb anorexic brain

hello. ive started this account to use as a sort of journal and a way to express my eating disorder struggles. i dont plan on anyone reading this but me, and since i feel like i have no one to turn to ive decided to share my thoughts here. if you are reading this, im 20 yo, use she/her pronouns, and welcome to my journals!

my cal intake for today has been 180 cals + coffee (100 cals ish? not sure) so 280 calories. i hope i dont eat anymore tonight even though im hungry lol, but my roommate wants to grab food with me later so im not really sure what will happen yet.

my biggest struggle for the last week has been school. im currently in uni taking seven classes and im so overwhelmed with work. i think it would be so much easier if my thoughts werent so clouded and constantly so disordered. all i can think about is my calorie intake, my weight, what i plan to eat, and how others perceive me. im sorry but i cant focus on studying when my brain is just full of these thoughts contantly!!!! which leads me to my next problem which has been the idea of dropping out.

the main reason i want to drop out (just for a semester, not indefinitely) is because of my eating disorder. if im not focusing well in school id love to go to a treatment center and finally recover after these long years of struggling with my eating disorder behaviors and then the most recent 2 years of having an actual eating disorder. for some context, ive been insecure about my weight and body image since i was 9. however i think ill save these traumatic stories for another entry lol. anyways, i just dont feel sick enough. im only at bmi 19.9 (finally out of bmi 20!!!! yay) and i feel like i need to at least be underweight to go into a recovery treatment. otherwise i just feel like im faking my disorder and no one will take me seriously. my boyfriend does take me seriously, but i dont know if my family or other people will. im not thin enough for people to care. i dont deserve recovery right now. what am i recovering from, an average weight??? my failed weight loss attempts???? i dont know what to do with myself genuinely. im tired of my brain being filled by these thoughts but its still not enough. i am never enough. i just want this hell to be over but i doubt it will for a long long time.

anyways if youre reading this i love you, this is gia signing off so goodnight <33

[eirian]

im going insane so im going to tell you about it and by that i mean make a post to scream into the void about my troubles

this will be a rambly, stream of consciousness post so watch out. unmedicated adhd brain shenanigans are afoot

i feel like i need to draw for myself more. i try to very often, i do, but i still feel like im caught in the whole “if i dont draw for attention then whats the point” hellhole that ive been trying to get out of for years. but i feel like the reason for this is that i literally Need the attention to up my chances for commissioners??? because thats how i make a living rn???  like i literally rely on commissions as my main source of income and that pays for shit like rent and medication and appointments and food :( i barely buy shit for myself anymore b/c im putting it all towards needs and not wants

also im worried my merch wont pop off as well as it did when i first released the submas merch. i know those were in high demand, but im afraid the demand will go to single digit sales for them as well as everything else i sell.  im honestly thinking about just buying very small stock, maybe 10 of each item at most, and opening the orders that way (after i ship things out of course).  speaking of shipping my last shipment STILL hasnt come in and im a little frustrated b/c im like. bruh i need to ship out these preorders. im not gonna do preorders in the future i dont think, im waiting way too long for this stock to come in :( i dont want yall to wait forever for like..a keychain

ive been trying to work here and there on both villain + school and facets (facets is completely written and scripted, v+s just recently got solidified as an outline Finally) but i kinda only had energy to do so for One Day so im not sure when those’ll be out lmfao. sorry bout that

i want to make more ocs, i havent made new ocs in a hot minute and im like :( wah. my character design brain is kaput right now.  i wanna make more cool db ocs and such like i used to. it used to bring me so much joy.  or maybe even inazuma eleven ocs idk im just wanting New Boys

i have so much to do or at least so much i could be doing. like i could make new merch art but that feels pointless if i dont have the money to buy the merch. i still need to ship out my FIRST orders, christ.  and im trying so hard to get commissions rolling so i CAN ship out my shit but :( its a struggle. im struggling. god im stressed to hell and back hi

sometimes i do be like i wanna die !  but i wont.  i’ll be ok things will be ok.  i will get commissions its only the 6th.  i have time. and im going to check out some cons that i can maybe table at in the future. thatd be wonderful. fuck i need to reprint my business cards with my updated twitter im a little mad i ended up getting my account unsuspended right after i made those cards. at least i only made 50 of them i guess

i need like an online journal or something to write this shit into instead of like, a public tumblr post LMFAO. but i cant use washi tape online so there goes that /hj

i really really need to figure out a way to let the general furry population know that i will draw their stuff for commissions. like. i Will. i Have. i Can.  just give me a chance bro i’ll draw your inflation fetish art just give me a chance to make some money to live LOL.  i would draw more furry art but i am so unmotivated and sluggish its so hard..

i kinda feel like i should try to get back into adoptables too but ive been so depressed and down and unmotivated its really really hard for me to design things for myself let alone to sell. so im like ok now what i have no income. im too brain fucky to get a “real job” so im just like. sits here on my ass doing absolutely nothing except being sad.  ok so i might have depression

anyway life is hard thanks for putting up with me

[princess-xeon]

bimbo spiritualism, rediscovery, & new beginnings

dear listener,

i have no longer been afraid. i miracle happened recently. i met this beautiful girl and she has saved me. my girlfriend is very supportive of our bond for i was afraid to initiate it. but love is a beautiful vessel that shall not be contained. ever since she has entered my life i feel like a new human being. she has shifted my world and she always makes me learn more things about myself everyday. it's quite a life altering feeling. i have also rediscovered my femininity and reconnecting that to my spiritualism mindset. i thank saint Angelyne everyday for her ways of life. and for inspiring me in this new era of my life. she has always been a powerful woman who isn't afraid to flaunt her sexuality for the world to admire. i aspire to her way of being. she has also always believed in a higher power. a higher power of self. but most importantly she has never been afraid to do whatever the hell she wanted to do. she will always be punk at heart. and the way she views herself as an other worldy higher being, such a magical thing that i will always resonate with. id like to think that saint Angelyne as well as saint SOPHIE brought this woman into my life and there's no way that i will ever be able to repay them for that. besides my new lovie that is in my life, there's another person that i'd like to talk about. my best friend Emily. i can't thank them enough for all of the light that they've brought into my life. with my best friend Cam living millions of light years away from me, it's been a struggle to not have them physically in my life at all times. somehow Emily was able to fill that void that has been in my heart. once again, i can't thank them enough for all that they've done for me in this life. they have reminded me of all of the things that i have loved in the past such as Sleeping with Sirens, Good Mythical Morning, and Bob's Burgers. they're such a soulmate to me. we're literal long lost twins. i've been hanging out with them in their college dorm and it's been so magical. and their friend Deanna is so wonderful and cool as well i love seeing them and i especially love hanging out with her and Emily. a couple of days ago after Emily and i had a date at Cheesecake Factory we went back to their place to watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt as well as Rick and Morty with Deanna. those little pockets of time that i always share with Emily give me the biggest boosts of serotonin. when im with them i never have to feel obligated to hide any part of my self. and that's how it should be. thank you Emily for being here for me. besides the beautiful relationships that have blossomed this year, ive been loving school! although i was nervous about the in person portion, i literally had nothing to stress over. i love to overthink to the point of vomiting over my anxiousness but of course it never makes any situation better. aside that i love my instructors and my classmates everyone is so kind and we all love and celebrate our differences. and im so thankful for that. oh another thing i should mention! i have a new favorite movie that ive been fixating over! it's called Nowhere (1997) and Emily showed that film to me. they literally know me so we because there are so many elements in that movie that remind me of all of my favorite films. it's a true masterpiece. another thing too, the beautiful girl in my life and i have been talking a lot and once she moves back here we're planning on having movie nights once a week. i look forward to having our mutual love for art films being flourished and celebrated. geez im so gay. women make me do manic things. anyways, thank you as always stalker for caring for my stories. i will always love you :). ~princessxeon 💋

pic credits lmao :P :

a clip of Angelyne in a 70s film.

me in Emily's room working on face charts as they redye their hair and as we're watching Don't Hug Me I'm Scared

a page i was reading from John Water's novel Liarmouth

Angel Prost with da pope

Angel Prost describing my aura (yes i paid her five dollhairs for her to tell me lmao)

makeup experimenting that i did :p

Angelyne ;3

a post that Venus Angelic posted on insta that i resonate with

pink bimbo bath time :3

my gf sleeping soundly

a still from Nowhere (1997)

[softertoday]

Anyway, I don't know the last time i was here. i think i wasnt even 30 yet.

this is me now. I'm 32 and I have a lot more scars and tattoos and piercings and lived experiences. I will be starting a volunteer position with NAMI on their national HelpLine starting this wednesday. im going to school at a local tech college to finish my AAS in human services, i still have my dog Riley but i'm also still a bad dog mom. i lived in tampa for a few months after my last residential treatment stay last summer, i was living in a sober house and got clean, started going to NA meetings. i moved back home with my parents though and stopped going to meetings, but i'm still clean. i'll have 9 months on 4/11/24.

my therapist recently suggested that i look into getting tested for autism. he said an ASD diagnosis would make a lot of sense, and that it could help me get the accommodations i need at school and work in the future. ive been obsessing over the ASD thing since then. he also brought up alexithymia which i had never heard of before, but he thought it was relevant to me and i looked into it and i think it is too.

i've been struggling a lot with my mental health for the past 3 years. in and out of the hospital, treatment centers, therapy sessions. i did ECT treatments for a while, then switched to ketamine infusions. neither were particularly helpful. my eating disorder got really bad, self harm got really bad, suicidality got really bad. but im doing ok (i say that loosely) as of right now. not in crisis, at least.

anyway, whatever. idk im just rambling.

[wangkuans]

ventpost incoming!

im sorry to ventpost but talking to the guidance counselor at school has to entail an appointment first and the website doesn't offer the option for my program so . last time i just walked in but im not sure i can exactly do that again,,,

anyway this semester has really been kicking my ass and there's a lot of things that have been making me feel worse? being separated from my usual block and group of friends is rlly tough,, and adjusting to a new set of classmates is also difficult,, especially cause i try to talk to them but they dont always reciprocate the same energy. and they're not being mean at all, its just different and its been hard to adjust.

my org work has also been really tough lately,, not in the sense that ive been overly busy, but idk if im doing a good job lately, and its making me insanely anxious. i also dont rlly know once again where i stand with all my orgmates,, if we're just on friendly terms or if we're actually friends, and it makes it difficult to interact with them. its just making me anxious as hell

and theres a specific thing that has just. been making me go crazy but it sounds petulant and childish and i hate feeling or even thinking it but. all this time ive been overworking myself with org stuff bc i dont think im all that good at my chosen field, and i have to buff up my portfolio w all these extracurriculars. and after this semester we'll all have to get internships and iiii have been so anxious ab it, bc i dont know where to go, or if i'll get accepted to places, or what kind of places i should be applying for. and recently, we had a project where we had to speak to marketing teams of real estate places, and my friend got invited to intern for them and it just.

she absolutely deserves it and shes also been working hard,, but at the same time it feels like all this work was really for nothing, bc ive been trying so hard with everything, but i currently have no invitations to any place or anything. and it just feels like. ill just keep trying and trying like i have been my whole life, and none of it will be worth it, and all of it will be for nothing. im in an org that makes me anxious, in a position i didnt ask for or want, spending time doing things i cant really add to my portfolio, and it wasn't even for anything. it's been for nothing this whole time, and im really tired.

my prescription for my antidepressasnts are also almost up,,, and i have to set an appointment for that, but i feel anxious about renewing my prescription too. i think i want to maybe take half a pill instead of a full one, and hopefully it'll do me good. but i feel bad for still having to take it. and if eel bad for still struggling. i wish i had a good couple years, where i ddin't need it or therapy at all.

anyway thats all. its so !!!! but its okay. ill be okay!! never back down never give up and all that

[lostacelonnie]

Totally understandable ive been dealin with long work & other stuff so i feel ya. My energy levels have been all over the place. Ooh have fun in alicante! Right? Like hey im here sorry ive just been havin a time. Love discord. Hell yeah good times with good friends is always phenomenal news. Oh? Kudos for that there should be a badge for not having gulls try to steal your food. Australian magpies are notoriously asshole birds there's a whole chunk of time called swooping season where they get so vicious that mail people have to wear thick helmets to protect their head. Theres like. So much to learn in history & having adhd makes it hard so i have to pair it with like. A podcast or something to focus but it has grown on me recently too. Wish i could say the same of geography. Cool teachers are the lifeblood of learning i had so many cool science teachers. Thanks! Wolfie & kafka are my other goals of characters to get where i dont have them. Ive just been trying to catch up on the story & finally finished the luofu story. Building characters for me is just yeah this works i dont focus so hard on it anymore. No time for all that. I used arctic fox purple dye which allowed me to not have to bleach my hair so maybe thats an option? Im so ready for furina i have like. 335 wishes ready. I like team building in star rail its more. Relaxed than in genshin it feels like. Pela stays because her debuff is so helpful especially on the luofu. Bye pesky mara struck revival buff. May the courage to wear your choker in public come to you. I have & get compliments when i do. & may the future bring still easy exams for you

thankies ajskdglskjf as you can see it happened Again. ahhhh. school. AND THANK YOU IT WAS EXTREMELY FUN!!!! much better than my first trip there. got to eat SO much spanish food and omg i love all of it. not a single dish i disliked. plus i got to get my needed dose of the sea again! much more than my needed dose, in fact. we went to the beach EVERY EVENING. ive never been by the sea at night b4 and its such an awesome experience...... esp with the besties........... BUT AHEM. ANYWAY. YEAH DISCORD REALLY IS GREAT IN THAT WAY. and thank you o7 i also managed to avoid being robbed by them this time, despite the fact i was literally eating a salami sandwich next to an entire SWARM. every day i thank my luck for that. AND OH GOOD LORD????? HELMETS????? friendliest australian animal i guess 😭😭and ahhhhhh i feel you on that. luckily being diagnosed with the 'tism makes it so that teachers are obligated to let me draw during lessons so at least thats nice. and tbh with geography its funny cos like. i dont really Care about it but 1. its probs one of the easiest extensions and 2. i have an epic prof so i ended up liking it quite a lot as well. AND FOR REALLLLL tha AMOUNT of subjects ive never had a solid opinion on bc of how dependent it is on the teacher. for example my current teacher somehow managed to make me like PE. which feels illegal and yet. anyway, moving on! GOOD LUCK ON GETTING THEMMMMM wolfie has never left my team since i got her. shes op. the luofu story was so good................ tbh i dont rlly know what going on in hsr rn since i for real havent logged in since the release of luofu's last act and am not really planning to but Oh Well. i treat building chars the same way tbh [other than in honkai where i Do actually try to get good gear], i usually dont bother doing anything with my chars if im not outright struggling. not worth my time. AND AHHHHH THATS SO EPIC....... im still hovering around 175 since i havent really played recently but ahhhhh im hyped. and yeah i agree, i feel like its. Easier. to get a good team in hsr than in genshin, not to mention building it. since in genshin a lot of teams are dependent on 5* like raiden for example. who i Do Not Have, by the way. maybe one day. yeah pela IS great omg. AND THANKIES!!!! THE MOMENT I GET EVEN MARGINALLY MORE CONFIDENT ITS OVER FOR EVERYONE. and, once again thx o7!! i managed to get 100% on a chemistry short test so im gonna treat that as a good sign

[turnyourgays]

The Usher Foundation 3: Whips and Chains

Content warning for (very unrealistic, but still) child abuse mentions and general scary shit.

[Smartphone recorder chimes]

[Sound is muffled]

YVONNE: -e can't keep pretending like there's nothing wrong, Don.

ARCHIVIST: I'm just saying, it's not our business. He's probably just tired or something.

YVONNE: He's fucking drunk. You can smell it on him.

ARCHIVIST: He's getting his work done.

YVONNE: That's all that matters to you?

ARCHIVIST: [sigh]...what I mean is that he's functioning.

YVONNE: Logan needs help.

ARCHIVIST: Then go help.

[extended silence followed by footsteps and the creaking of a closing door]

[sound un-muffled as ARCHIVIST retrieves his smartphone from his pocket]

ARCHIVIST: Oh. It's already going. Guess I'll cut that part out later. [audible exhale]...Statement of Anna Vanberg, regarding her own monstrosity. Originally given December 28th, 2020 through e-mail to the Foundation. Audio recorded July 9th, 2022, by Donovan Ellis, Chief Experience Organizer at the Usher Foundation, Washington D.C. Statement begins.

--

First, let me tell you how I became a dominatrix.

Growing up, I had an enormous bed, and I literally lived in it. 24/7, I was hooked up to an IV that fed me a stimulant at 6 in the morning, and a sedative at 9 in the evening. Catheter. Bedpan. The only window was a skylight, and the room was soundproofed against the outside. The whole 9 yards of never, ever leaving the room. I was homeschooled, obviously, fed a steady stream of flashcards and books. I was taught math and science, but never literature, history, or art. I took tests that, looking back, were way above what anybody my age must've been doing. I remember trying to be a happy child, over and over again, but there was nothing to smile about. Success and failure were met with equal nothingness.

When I turned 13, they geared my education towards the medical. By 18, I had more than enough knowledge to go to medical school. How they got me into medical school is, to this day, a complete mystery. Regardless, I was enrolled in Harvard Medical.

And no, they didn't prepare me for going outside for the first time. They didn't prepare me for social interaction, or caring for myself, anything.

I struggled enormously. My eyes weren't even adjusted to seeing so many colors. I had almost zero musculature, and I was constantly shitting my dorm bed. My only redeeming quality was that my grades were good.

That's where the sad shit ends. I went to counseling at the recommendation of a professor, who noticed my complete abnormality. I gained weight, even made some friends. I got invited to a party, and that's where things got sexy. Never in my entire life had I even masturbated. Men, women, I needed them all, and I got them all. Sex was somewhere where conventional social skills were thrown away, and I was able to control people with it. They wanted me, and I made them work for it. Money, test scores, companionship, whatever I desired, I got in exchange for riding them and choking them.

Meanwhile, my parents never checked in on me. They paid my tuition from afar, but I didn't even have their number, so the pressure was off. I never became a doctor, I became a full-time dominatrix, operating out of my apartment in Boston.

I went on like that for years. Bliss. Absolute bliss. I tied my subs up like a spider traps flies in its web. I threatened them with knives and made them dance, strings around their necks and whatever parts they had between their legs. I'll be honest: I pushed a lot of boundaries. Made them do a lot of shit they would've been uncomfortable with had they been with any other domme. Not just in a fetishistic sense. I made them stretch their bodies, or put them in a trance with mere suggestion.

My life growing up became a blur, and I didn't give a shit about it anyway.

And then, like a thousand other stories told recently, COVID hit. I was truly alone for the first time since college. A lot of my subs wished me farewell - at least until the emergency ended - but a few others requested we do...socially distanced play.

It got freaky fast, and I'm not talking kinky. I'm telling you, they weren't just playing, I was controlling them. I'd move my finger and they'd raise their arm, I'd snap and they'd orgasm instantly. They couldn't even speak when I did this, not unless I made them. It stopped being sexy, and I just started doing it for kicks, and they kept coming back, begging me to do it again, no matter how terrified they looked afterwards.

They were addicted to me, and the feeling was mutual. I couldn't go a day without watching one of them squirm under my grasp, choke when I didn't let them breathe, sob and beg me to make it stop. I'd only respond by making them feel more pain. I'd fire their nerves, even sever them. Next day, they'd blow up my phone saying thank you.

One day, though, I didn't have any appointments. I was starving for it instantly. My skin was itchy. I was hungry no matter how much I ate. I was cold and shivering. I stared out my window, and saw him. A normal man, walking down the street, on the other side of the road. The way I felt...it was the same way I felt when I saw all those people at my first college party.

He snapped to attention, watching me through my window from across the street. I beckoned him to come forward, nearly drooling with hunger as he came closer and closer.

As he stepped into the street, a car struck him hard and fast, and I felt amazing. It was like an orgasm that lasted hours. It was a better fix than anything I'd experienced so far.

That was back in August. I can't even begin to tell you what I've done since then. I'm e-mailing you now because, well, first of all, I didn't know you guys were a thing until a few weeks ago. But I've felt this urge to tell you...I need to tell you.

You're reading this on July 9th, 2022.

--

Statement ends. I feel like I need to throw up.

[Smartphone recorder chimes]

...

[It chimes again]

I'm not bothering asking Yvonne and Logan to investigate this. Anna Vanberg is obviously a threat, and Logan particularly doesn't need that on his mind.

I'll ask the question Ms. Vanberg no doubt wants me to ask. How did she know? How could she possibly have known the exact date I'd be reading her statement? [sigh]...Recording ends.

[arlecchno]

laughs in currently on summer break ,,,,,,

speaking of that tho , ive been busying myself by playing video games so much LMAO me and my silly visual novel names ( because im too lazy to play anything that needs me to put actual effort into it hahahhahahaha - )

SO THE STORY RIGHT - its a think me and my friend have been workin on since like the end of 2021 n its like set in a royal fantasy like au , fantasy monsters are something that havent been brought up in the discussion but we have cool magic stuff LOL . the most stuff thats defined is the very basic plot idea , the MCs r named Ashe Najimek ( prince , any pronouns ) , Rin Vasilios ( princess , she/her ) , and Kiole Soubaki ( king , he/him ) . dont question ANY of these last names because najimeks is just a keyboard smash and the rest were chosen by my friend they have no significant whatsoever LOL . aaaanyways , rin and ashe are basically from this mainland where all the kingdoms are secretly feuding with eachother but in order to maintain peace for the citizens they wont start an actual war . basically its every kingdom for themselves except for their silly trading systems . ashe and rins kingdoms are like at eachothers throats now since ashe and rin were born with the most magical power their lands have ever seen and its that trope where “child gets born into power and parents use them for own benefit causing child to rebel” yada yada but WUH OH WHATS THAT IS THAT 🫢🫢😨😱 GASP ANGST ?!?????!???? yeah lets go were tormenting our characters today baby ‼️‼️ the full book will go into the struggles of rin and ashe and how they end up as a result of how they take their circumstances . and how they become friends bc of those circumstances . lovely friendship . oh and theres two others that are their guards . Sio and Erza Eztli . theyre twins n stuff . THEY WILL GET DEVELOPMENT TOO WE JUST SHANT SPEAK OF IT NOW . im planning to make them long lost siblings tho lmao ! omg ive gone on such a long rant and i still havent talked about kiole . anyways so kiole is the token mentor character which i will not go into detail because SPOILERS MAYBE . he rules the edgy edgy kingdom of DEATH AND DARKNESS and all the other kingdoms have kinda outcasted his so nobody knows the fucker outside of whispers from the shadowed souls themselves MUAHAHAHAH - ahem anyways .

HERE ARE OUR MCSSS i love them awaaaaaaa

GOSH THO GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SCHOOL STUFF THAT SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH BYE 😭😭😭

i also JUST read chapter 5 recently and like …

( for context my friends name / nickname is roof )

ANYWAYS THATS IT FOR NOW CYA LATTEEEERRR !!!!

RAHHHHH HELLO TO YOUUUU!!!! hope you're enjoying your summer break 🫂

AND YOUR STORY TOO!!!!!!! that sounds so interesting already and ROYAL FANTASY AU⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ SIGN ME TF UP BRO I LIVEEE FOR FANTASY AUS bro you got me hooked with the storyline and characters already and it's still in the works 🤞🤞 their last names are soooo creative too like even if they're a keyboard smash or whatever,,,, still so intriguing like yes sign me up AGAIN!!!! wish my keyboard makes up random and cool last names lmao

THE MCS...... please let me touch their hair i swear they've GOT to have the most silkiest hair in their kingdoms like excuse me let me bow down to them and ask them for tips and tricks 😞🙏

thank you hehe school is.... yeah whatever school's been the same for me but i thrive to live up to the day asphodelus finally ends LOL i need to get that series done before i'm even more burnt out

LMAO YOUR FRIEND'S NICKNAME BEING ROOF IS GOLD 😭 fun fact i was literally like brain dead trying to figure out some bad humour to insert in those lines but somehow ended up with that... (may or may not be a bit of a self insert because i totally don't stare at my own ceiling and wished i was the ceiling instead hahaha definitely haven't.... ever.....)

HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL THESE DAYS AND I'LL CYA LATER TOOOO💌💌

[peachscribe]

peach’s summer book list

i had a lot of fun compiling the list of books i read during the 20-21 winter, so i decided i would do a summer one as well! i still have a lot of books i own but haven’t read, so im definitely not lacking in material

if you didn’t see my winter list, how my book list works is basically like this: i read a book that i own but have not previously read, write a short summary immediately after finishing the book, write down my thoughts on the book, and then provide a rating for the book. i also might include background info on why i read this particular book/feelings about the author, but that depends on the book. that’s how each entry works

without further ado, let’s get started!

1. Grasshopper Jungle by Andrew Smith

okay so i absolutely adore another book by andrew smith (written after grasshopper jungle) called the alex crow. it’s one of my favorite books of all time, so naturally i wanted to see if grasshopper jungle would make me feel similarly. just like the alex crow, grasshopper jungle’s plot is. so fucking weird. it stars austin szerba, a teenage polish kid who lives in ealing, iowa, and is often sexually confused regarding his girlfriend shann and his best friend robby. and in ealing, iowa, austin and robby accidentally and unknowingly unleash an unstoppable army of huge six-foot-tall praying mantis bugs that only want to do two things: fuck and eat. and i just have to say: andrew smith’s got an absolutely dynamo writing style. alex crow is similar, where it’s a book about kind of everything all at once, framed in a moment centering around teenage boys. it’s fantastic, and it’s more than a little gross, and i love it. this book made me feel so many things, and i thought austin was such an amazing narrator and main character to identify with. this book has it all: shitty teenage boy humor, fucked up science experiments, and poetic imagery that will make you want to cry. and explicit lgbt characters.

412/10 andrew smith what do you put in your water i just want to know

2. Burn by Patrick Ness

patrick ness has written a plethora of some of my favorite books (such as a monster calls, the chaos walking trilogy, and the rest of us just live here) so when i saw this one in the store i knew it would be a great one. burn is an alternate history fantasy that takes place in 1957 frome, washington, during the height of the cold war, and it begins with a girl named sarah and her father hiring a dragon to help out on their farm. but there’s not just dragons, farm living, and cold war tensions; there’s also a really shitty small town cop, a cult of dragon worshippers and their deadly teenage assassin, a pair of fbi agents, and a prophecy that sarah’s newly hired dragon claims she’s a part of. i think eoin colfer’s highfire was on my winter list, which also featured a story that included dragons and shitty cops, so when i first began burn i thought it was funny to have two books that had both things. you know, if you had a nickel etc etc. but that’s really where the similarities end because burn is entirely it’s own monster (dragon). burn is entirely invested in its world, and its fascinating. not only that, i had no clue where the book would take me next. there were so many surprises and amazing twists that honestly just blew me away. this book also includes beautifully written complicated discussions on family, race, and love - it features interracial and queer romances as the two most prominent romance plots which was such a nice surprise from a book i wasn’t expecting to have that kind of representation. this book is witty, fast-paced, and a very heartening read - i absolutely adored it.

9/10 dragons and becoming motivated by the power of love and friendship are so fucking cool

3. As Meat Loves Salt by Maria McCann

i hate this book! as meat loves salt is a historical fiction novel which takes place in seventeenth century england, which is going through a grisly civil war. the protagonist, jacob cullen, is a servant for a wealthy household and is engaged to another servant in the house. but due to certain events that are almost entirely jacob’s fault, he flees the house and is separated from his wife. from there, he joins the royal army and meets a kind soldier, ferris, and the two become fast friends. jacob and ferris’s relationship begins to bridge past friendly, and jacob struggles with his homoerotic feelings as well as the growing obsession and violence inside him. also, they try to start a colony. listen, i don’t know how to describe the book because so much happens, but it basically just follows jacob and all the terrible decisions he makes because he is, truly, a terrible person. ferris is kind and good, and jacob is scum of the earth. he sucks so bad. the entire time i was reading this book (which took absolutely so long), all i wanted was for jacob to just get his ass handed to him. i wanted to see him suffer. and it’s not like i just personally don’t like him - i believe the book purposefully depicts him as unsympathetic even though he is the narrator. i did enjoy the very in depth and accurate portrayal of what life would’ve been like in seventeenth century england, and i think it was interesting to read a character that is just the absolute worst person you’ve ever encountered and see him try and justify his actions, so if you enjoy that kind of thorough writing, then this book would be perfect for you. however, i did not see that bitch ass motherfucker jacob cullen suffer enough. i’d kill him with my bare hands.

2/10 diversity win! the worst man on earth is mlm!

4. This Savage Song by Victoria Schwab

i know ive had a friend tell me how great one of schwab’s other book series is, but truthfully i bought this book because the cover is sick as hell and it was on a table in the store that advertised for buy two get one free, i think. something like that. anyway, this savage song takes place in a future in which monsters, for whatever reason, suddenly became real and out for blood in a mysterious event nicknamed the phenomenon. august flynn is one of these monsters, but he takes no pride in that fact and only wants to feel human. kate harker is the daughter of a ruthless man and is trying her hardest to be ruthless, too, but deep down she knows it’s just an act. their city, verity, stands divided, and kate and august stand on either side - but when august is sent on a mission to befriend kate in the hopes of stopping an all out war, the lines begin to blur. this book rules. august and kate are such interesting and dynamic characters, and the narrative is familiar while still being capable of twisting the story around and taking the feet out from under you in really compelling ways. this savage song is part of the monsters of verity duology, and i can’t wait to dive into how the story continues and finishes.

11/10 sometimes you can judge a book by it’s cover

4a. Our Dark Duet by Victorian Schwab

this is the sequel and finale for this savage song and i’d figure i’d update everyone: fantastic ending, beautiful, showstopping, painful.

12/10 loved it and will definitely be keeping an eye out for schwab’s other books

5. White is for Witching by Helen Oyeyemi

oh boy. okay. white is for witching is about a house, and it is about the women who have lived inside of it. when her mother dies abroad, miranda silver begins to act strangely, and there’s nothing her father or her twin brother seem to be able to do about it. she develops an eating disorder and begins to hear voices in the silver family house, converted to a bed and breakfast by miranda’s dad; and she begins to lose herself in the house and the persistent presence of her family legacy. white is for witching switches perspective dizzingly and disorientingly between miranda, her twin eliot, miranda’s friend from school named ore, and the house itself. this story is a horror story as much as it as a tragedy as much as it is a romance as much as it is a bunch of other things. oyeyemi brings race, sexuality, nationality, and family into this story and forces you not to look away. this book is poetry.

(like i mentioned briefly, this book heavily deals with topics of race and closely follows miranda’s eating disorder. read responsibly, and take care of yourselves)

15/10 this book consumed me and i think i’ll have to read it another 10 more times to feel it properly

6. These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong

okay. okay. strap in for a ride. these violent delights is a romeo and juliet style story, taking place in glittering 1920’s shanghai. the city stands divided - not only between the foreign powers encroaching on chinese land, but also between the scarlet gang and the white flowers, who are at the height of a generations-long blood feud. juliette cai, heir to the scarlets, has recently returned from four years abroad and is determined to prove herself ruthless enough to lead. roma montagov, heir to the white flowers, is standing strenuously on his place as next in line due to a slip up four years prior and is desperate to keep hold of his title. and in the midst of juliette and roma’s burning history with each other threatening to combust, an unnatural monster lurks in the waters of shanghai, loosing a madness on scarlets and white flowers alike. this book has it all - scorned ex lovers, political intrigue, deadly monsters, and all set on a glamorous backdrop of the roaring twenties. i absolutely was enraptured by this book and the way it plays around the story of romeo and juliet so well that it easily became it’s own monster, but with the punches and embraces of something classically shakespearan. gong does just an absolutely breathtaking job of fitting this fantastical story amid the larger world of shanghai and the real life historical events that had shaken the city to its core. completely immersive and outstandingly heart racing.

17/10 i was chewing on my fingernails for the last thirty pages and will continue to do so until the sequel is released (our violent ends, 16 nov 21)

7. The Antiques by Kris D’Agostino

you ever heard of the american dysfunctional family story? this is most definitely that. at the same time george westfall’s cancer takes a turn for the worse, a hurricane hits the east coast, and suddenly all at once the issues of his health, the hurricane, and all three of his children’s achingly dysfunctional adult lives are crashing into each other. reunited by george’s death, the westfall siblings have to face their grief, each other, and the problems in their own lives they attempted to put on hold while planning their father’s memorial. this is a nice story about grief and loss and love and somehow finding the humor amidst it all.

(this book does include a depiction of an autistic child who does experience several pretty bad meltdowns due to ignorant people around him not understanding how to cater to his needs. im not an authority on what depictions are or are not harmful, but i do believe this depiction is ultimately loving and well-intended.)

7/10 it made me laugh and cry and was generally one of those books that somehow hit you close to home

8. Fierce Fairytales by Nikita Gill

fierce fairytales is a poetry anthology that reimagines classic fairytales from a modern, feminist viewpoint, acknowledging that the line between hero and villain, monster and damsel, are not as clear cut as the classics try to make you believe. this book also includes illustrations done by the author herself, which i think is really cool. my personal favorite story reimagining was the story of peter pan and captain hook, called ‘boy lost’ which looked at how peter and hook’s relationship began and rotted. all in all, i think this collection of stories had a lot of important things to say and said them in frank, easy to understand poetry and prose.

7/10 beautiful message and pretty prose, but at times a little cliche

and that’s all from the summer! my fall semester starts tomorrow, and overall i feel very good about all the reading i did this summer. i even read four other books not on this list for work! so i definitely feel like i made the most out of my time, and im really glad i was able to read so many stories that made me feel a variety of different things

thanks so much for reading this list, and let me know if you read or have read any of these books and tell me what you think of them!

happy reading<3