#anyway recently a lot of my safe foods have been feeling less safe

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Right that's it. Dropping everything else this week to spend some time learning how to cook things I can actually stomach.

[sadstrever]

cw: 116lbs

gw: 106lbs

hw: 150lbs

hi. so my last account got banned so i realize now i should be a little more careful of what i say cuz i guess i concerned some of you. or this will just be my last post because i need to vent.

wanna hear how i started my day? i chew and spit my food into plastic bottles(i know i’m disgusting no one should ever do this) and i was opening it and it exploded fucking everywhere and the smell was putrid and it was all over me and my bedroom. and i was hungover. and it was 7am. and i threw up immediately after. anyways, i haven’t e@ten in weeks. lol. almost a month, which isn’t the longest i’ve gone so don’t worry this is not that bad lol. ALSO NO I WILL NOT BE GIVING TIPS. ever since my brother moved away it’s been pretty easy to st@rve. the hard part now is knowing where to draw the line. my best friend has broken down a lot recently because of me. i’m an awful person lol. i let them get too close and now they know too much about the disgusting things i do. i needed space because seeing him just makes me feel guilty for putting him through this with me. i tried to end the friendship 2 nights ago over a bottle of v0dka. it did not work out very well. i said some really hurtful things to him that i didn’t mean in an effort to push him away. once the alc wore off i made him a cake to apologize which now that i say it out loud, it does not feel like much of an apology at all. he somehow easily forgave me which makes me feel even shittier. he said it was because he knows im sick. i don’t know what i’m doing. the derealization has gotten worse. i tried going half sober which didn’t help. i’ve developed a laxative problem too which also doesn’t help. it’s not as bad as others though, i was just taking 3 a day for a minute(a few months)but that’s so fucking bad for you and it really made my stomach problems worse. i took 3 today for the first time after not taking them for weeks and there was really no reason. just a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. when that didn’t help, i tried to smoke but i got too high because i only smoke every other day now which lowered my tolerance. when THAT didn’t work i went to the gym and burned 460 calories and then THAT didnt work so i walked around and burned 240 more. none of it made me feel less empty. i’m so sick of it. why is it all so fucked. nothing feels right. i want to try and recover but i don’t remember the person i was before all of this. my brain just fucking can’t figure it out. i don’t feel like a real person man. i want to recover and not because i’m giving up. starving is the easiest part of my life. it’s all that seems to make me feel a little better. eating always makes me so depressed and in a worse way. it makes me aware of reality in a way that fucking kills me. i need to do it if i want to feel human, if i want to be a good friend, daughter, sister. i’m gonna wait until i’m underweight which is once i’m 109lbs. 7lbs away lol. it’ll probably take a week or two so i guess i’ll update on how i’m trying to recover. fuck i really don’t want to man. pls give me tips because i can’t die and just be a sad fucking story to everyone i love. or just fucking report me like u guys did last time, not having any safe place with people who relate will totally help too!!!

[steventhusiast]

more autistic steve with ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) because i’m having the worst time i think i’ve ever had in my life and can only cope by projecting :] CW: disordered eating

part 1

—

steve’s pretty sure he’s never hated himself more than he does in this moment.

he’s perched on the edge of the couch, one knee bouncing with anxiety, and in front of him on the coffee table sits a homecooked meal. eddie’s gone through the process of making him a plate of mac and cheese from a box, which is a big deal because eddie is not a great cook. but he still made this for steve.

so there’s this lovely, warm meal sitting in front of steve that he used to love, and all he can do is stare at it. in the background, sounding somewhat fuzzy and muted to his ears as he continues his staring, he can hear eddie singing to himself as he cleans up the kitchen, and the sound of a sitcom laugh track as family ties plays on the tv.

after a minute, eddie comes to sit next to him, and gently puts a hand on his knee to help slow down the bouncing.

“hey, no pressure, okay? you eat what you can.” eddie says as he rubs his thumb back and forth over steve’s knee. the words should feel comforting, but they sit like guilt in steve’s gut.

he desperately wants to eat the food, knows it will make him feel less tired and sustain him more than the junk food he’s been managing recently, but it’s hard. it’s like he can hear boss music in his mind as he picks up a fork and stabs a single piece of macaroni.

he manages to put it in his mouth, counts to 20 as he chews and works himself up to be able to swallow it, and then has to jump up from his seat and pace as he feels it go down his throat. eddie startles a little as he does so, and he shakes his hands out at his sides as he walks back and forth, back and forth in front of the tv.

it feels like cement in his throat, doesn’t feel like it goes all the way down as the sensation of food being in his throat and chest lingers uncomfortably.

“stevie, can you take a breath for me?” eddie tries, but steve shakes his head vehemently and continues his walking. as the seconds go by, his steps get slower and less frantic, and eventually he picks up the fork again, repeats the process.

this is the first time eddie’s really seen him struggle with food properly. steve knows he knew, because they’ve talked about it a lot, but this is the first time eddie’s seeing it. steve’s filled with embarrassment, but he can’t cope with the task of eating without his pacing, without his hands flapping, without fighting back tears and feeling like he’s choking each bite down.

it doesn’t go like this every time. there are safe foods that are easier to get down, and some days where eating feels more like a normal part of his every day. but today? today it feels like he’s been tasked with eating rocks.

“can’t do it.” he whispers out after five pieces of macaroni.

he falls back onto the couch, and eddie’s hand is immediately pulling him into him by the waist so he can try to comfort him. steve’s a little shocked to feel tears on his face as he smushes it against eddie’s shoulder.

“can’t, can’t, can’t…” he whimpers, and eddie’s hand settles on his hip, rubbing gentle circles into him.

“shh, it’s okay. i’m proud of you for trying.”

steve shakes his head against eddie’s shoulder. how pathetic is he, that his boyfriend has to be proud of him for managing to eat five pieces of food from a kids meal?

eventually, he stops hiding his face in eddie’s shoulder, and vacantly watches the tv. tears are still dripping down his face, slow and steady, but now that he’s stopped eating, he feels like he’ll be okay. he just has to give his body an hour and he won’t be able to feel the measly amount he ate sitting like rocks in his stomach.

hopefully, anyway.

-

part 3

[ghostlythunderbird]

I am coming to offer this thot to anyone who wants it because I have no brain juice to even write this.

But my mind has been on some Werewolf!Ghost action for a bit now, not just the regular giant wolf that walks in two legs no no. I'm talking about the Twilight big ass doggos type of werewolves. But only only that; the werewolf’s human form also has ears and a tail (kind of like a hybrid).

ANYWAYS I had a thot about how Price and Laswell could be were keepers parse a and they would recently capture another werewolf (I think of them being a female were because I do a lot of self inserting over here don't mind me lol) that they could potentially pair Ghost with; or whoever your thinking of babe it could be Gaz, Soap, Keegan, or even König the possibilities are endless in the spooky month.

As for you my dear sweet reader, your story is quite different; you were a lone wolf for a long time and you've never really been in a werewolf friendly place. People are fearful of your kind as most think your a mindless creature lingering for their flesh; well soon your found out to be a werewolf and are captured by a “Rehabilitation project” specifically for your kind. Your time there was actually pretty nice, you had shelter, food and you felt safe. The environment itself reminded you of your birth pack’s old hunting grounds.

Well soon after your feeling well and the veterinarian team clears you are in good health, your soon ready to be paired with the boys. But who could be a perfect fit? You needed someone to be strong and quite dominant, they also needed some pretty good genes is you know what I mean *aggressive eyebrow wiggles*

But at the same time could you IMAGINE all the trial and errors of being paired with these boys who have NO idea on how to court you properly. Ghost does show interest but doesn't even know where to start much less make a conversation with you, Gaz and Soap are beyond excited of finally having another werewolf (can guarantee soap will be too head over heels where his brain don't work much), Keegan might become too standoffish and poor König tries his best and you end up being gifted a whole ass moose.

Thanks for coming to my 12 am ADHD Ted talk (I have so much brain rot for this I just had to get it out there for you all to suffer with me please send help)

[sleepy-frog-lady]

FROG LADY’S TOP TEN BEASTS:

(btw if one animal is the domesticated version of another then I counted them as the same cuz it makes the list feel less redundant)

#1 Bear:

These guys are so big and fluffy. I wanna hug one so bad. There’s this video of a bear just sitting next to a guy and it’s my favorite thing ever. I’m so jealous. I also fed a baby bear once!! Out of a baby bottle!! At Yellowstone!! It was dope. They’re also kind of scary, which is good. It makes me feel like if I could convince one to trust me, then it would keep me safe.

#2 Wolf (and dogs):

This is really a classic pick all around. They’re a good mix or edgy and cute, which are the two essential traits of a good beast to me. This is a very social and friendly beast, I feel, although they can be untrusting of humans at times. One of my most fond memories is feeding a sheep liver to wolves. Really quintessential to my development. Dogs lean more into the cuteness than the edginess but they really make it work.

#3 African Wild Cat (and domestic cats):

These gentlemen are absolutely delightful. They just look like domestic cats but longer. They’re so cute. I learned about them very recently so I don’t have much to say about them, but I have rapidly become quite fond of them. I like domestic cats too! They have a very wide spectrum of slightly spooky to violently cute and silly. I think that’s good.

#4 Ravens:

Honestly, I can’t tell the difference between ravens and crows so I just picked the one with the cooler name. I love these guys. They’re edgy cranked up to 11, at least at first glance. Very spooky, Halloween vibes. They’re also really really smart! They use tools, they remember people, and they communicate with each other. Did you know, that they’re also silly :3? Ravens have been observed rolling down snowy hills just for fun. I love that for them

#5 Rats (and mice):

This might be the single cutest entry on this list. I don’t understand how anyone is afraid of them cuz they’re just little tiny guys. They make happy noises when you tickle them! (Although these noises have to be pitched down to be audible to humans). And sometimes they grab food with their little hand while they nibble it! This is also probably the beast that humans have put in the most situations over the years. Honestly some of it makes me feel pretty bad for them. One time they made a rat with snake genes, and it just didn’t grow legs. I’m sad now. I’m going to stop talking about this.

#6 Elk:

This is a bit of a wildcard in this list, as it might be the only entry that isn’t all that cute or edgy. Instead, they have a real elegant and mysterious aura about them. They intrigue me. I would like to have a conversation with one. I also associate them a lot with when I lived in Colorado, which makes me even more fond.

#7 Pigeon:

I’m back on my cutesy shit. They guys are ADORABLE. I love the kind of absent look on their faces. I love the way the walk (and I often mimic it when I see them). I think these guys get an unfairly bad reputation. They’re so cool, and honestly, the subtle green on their necks is very pretty. They also tend to be used to humans so they might let you get pretty close to them or even touch them. I have a friend who regularly befriends and picks up pigeons. She’s very cool, and I send her pictures of birds whenever I see them.

#8 Sheep:

I used to ask my friends what animal their fursonas would be, cuz I think it’s a fun and silly question to ask people who mostly had never thought about it before. This naturally led to many of them asking me the same question, to which I didn’t have a good answer. After much deliberation, I eventually reached the conclusion that my fursona would be a sheep. Anyways, sheep are cute! Very fluffy, very social, and I love their baaaaa sounds. Good beast.

#9 Whale Sharks:

When I was young, I lived in Georgia for a few years, and I would often visit the Atlanta aquarium. In this aquarium, there is a glass tunnel surround and all sides by water and marine life. The grandeur and majesty of watching whale sharks swim peacefully overhead cannot be overstated. It was magical. It would only be years later that I learned that this was the biggest aquarium in the world, and that no other aquarium I would ever visit could quite capture that same magic.

#10 Frog:

I really expected these guys to end up higher on the list! I feel like they’re a big part of my brand, and yet they’re all the way down here. I still love these guys though. I like how slimy they look, and I like that they really small and cute, or really big and sage-like. I like that they jump far and have really long freaky tongues. I wish I had a long freaky tongue, honestly. They’re also very vocal, which is cool when you’re in their home but less cool when they’re in yours. When I was in Oklahoma City, I had to take frogs out of my apartment sometimes. Never figured out how they got in.

Honorable mentions:

* Hyena: they’re kind of dogs to me. Also they laugh funny. And I like that the males are small and submissive. Yay femdom (?)

* Fruit bat: ughhh talk about a perfect cute-edgy combo. They look so precious when they eat, by the way.

* Cow: these guys used to be my favorite! I’m shocked they fell down this low. They are very cute tho. I want to pet one

* Koi fish: these guys are very elegant and I really really like imitating the way they go “pop pop pop” with their mouths

[pseudowho]

Hi Haitch!

Firstly, I’d like to preface this with saying that I really appreciate the community atmosphere you’ve created on your page; the “shoot the shit” vibes you have with mutuals is genuinely so refreshing. It also has helped someone like me, who is generally too anxious to interact with people online, feel comfortable enough to dip my toes into asks a bit more (albeit anonymously for now lol).

Anyways, this all goes to say that I recently watched a video essay that made me think, “I want to share this with someone right now”. And, as someone who has written a lot of pieces (which btw: 15/10, *chef’s kiss) and explored the genre, I figured why not send it your way! https://youtu.be/cjG2OqCKDc4?si=ouISfbT97deriKmC (“the unknown pleasures of problematic romance”).

There’s no requirement to respond to this or anything btw! Just wanted to drop a quick message of appreciation and share some (hopefully interesting) food for thought. :)

I'm so pleased my blog is a safe space for you. I'm as sincere about it in life as I am on my blog. Please feel free to always interact with me, as you know I don't bite.

I'm watching this video as I type, and honestly, she's got a lot of great things to say! Thank you for sending it to me.

I have to say, the toxic trope exploration has always had two purposes in my mind; fantasising in a safe place about things that would be terrifying or dangerous in real life, and deconstructing our own fears by reading them in type.

I think, what a lot of women around me find frustrating, is that a lot of the traits that we see as desirable in a male partner (protectiveness, the wish to be a caregiver, the wish for them to take charge), have been heavily built into the wider "toxic male" expectation, and this wider "toxic male" tends to come with far less desirable traits.

Either that, or these desirable traits come with the expectation of exchange, like:

"You want protection? I own you, then."

"You want to be cared for? Take the lion's share of the mental and emotional household burden, then."

"You want me to take charge? All or nothing, then."

With the heavy heavy advancement of anti-women movements (incels, red pill, 'not all men', Andrew Tate, etc.) there has been a progressive and rapidly growing attitude that women are stupid and don't know what they want from a man, that they're users, that they 'predate' men to take advantage of them financially, and many other bundles of filth.

This movement has been popularised so badly, I think, that there has been a societal shift towards conditioning very young women to look for a 'dominant', and often older and wealthier, male partner. While this is displayed as being in our favour, it is, rather, a further attempt to disenfranchise women, and place them in relationships where they will be more vulnerable to being abused, under the guise of being 'cared for'.

There was also a spectacular interview with Gillian Anderson about her new book, which is full of confessions of womens' sexual fantasies. Anderson raised how acutely she was shamed for discussing her fantasies in a public forum. This is, of course, another way women are routinely attacked; mens' sexual fantasies have been given public forum (and women have been expected to cater to them) since time immemorial, and once more, in a very Victorian fashion, women are disgusting for voicing sexual desires.

In other words, in other words...women are routinely exploring sex and relationships through tropes, and many men hate it, because if there's one thing many men hate, it's women putting their heads together and recognising that they're not the problem.

I'm not here to 'not all men' by the way, so don't come at me with that crap. When women talk about this, we know exactly the type of men we're talking about, and if it's not relevant to the men in your life, move on.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[thedisablednaturalist]

People should get reimbursed for commute time

If it takes someone over an hour to get to work, that should be part of their pay.

Many people have to commute long distances/through areas of slow traffic because they cannot afford to live closer to their workplace. This is also why work from home is a big thing.

If corporations want people to return to their offices, they need to make it appealing enough. I'm not going to fight through traffic for 2 hrs in my free time just to sit at a computer all day, when I could just stay home and don't waste that time.

Corporations would be forced to invest in local affordable housing, perhaps even affording housing credits. They would need to invest in local infrastructure (which in the US is falling to pieces) and improve public transport in their area (faster commute -> less cost to the company, less cars on road -> traffic moves faster, employees without cars would still be able to get to work). Also people would be less stressed and actually take the time to drive safely because they wouldn't feel the need to rush. It would make companies actually take an interest in how their workers get to work and investing in local communities.

I live sort of near DC. We have a HUGE amount of workers commuting into the city and its surrounding cities. Retail workers also have to commute to these cities and suburbs because they cannot afford to live in those areas. My boyfriend commutes an hour to his part time job at a kennel in a rich town. A lot of people live in the more affordable, lower income, far away areas in the nearby states because housing prices in my area are fucking insane. I knew someone who commuted 2+ hours to work and 2+ hours back. There are people who drive even more than that.

And where do these employees have to live? Food deserts. Crumbling infastructure. No parks, no walkability, no public transport, bare bones everything. Only the cities which only the few can afford have basic infrastructure. And even the people living there have to commute to OTHER even richer areas. There's a ton of places where housing developments have just been shoved and are surrounded by nothing but farms. There's nothing local to do, so everyone goes to the closest town and city. It's also why you see a lot of older towns have abandoned main streets. Why have your business cater to the 100 people who live there when you can be in a city with thousands?

There has been some recent interest in paid commute times. 1 2 especially with corporations trying to get workers to go back to the office. Personally, I love working in my office because having a separate space outside my home helps me keep work and home separate and allows me to focus easier since I'm not in "home mode". I don't have room for an office in my parents house so working from home kinda sucks rn even though it would help a lot since I'm disabled. But it is nice being physically near my coworkers, even if it gets annoying sometimes. Also many jobs involve fieldwork (like mine!) which can't be done remotely anyway!

There would be incentive for corporations to keep their employees close AND provide more remote work options for those living farther away. As well as matching pay to fit rent/housing prices in the area (or vice versa).

Also there needs to be something done about corporations having their entire workforce sourced from another country entirely, working for pennies. But that's an even more complicated situation that I don't have experience in.

[yuezhong]

Cottagecore

a/n: can you believe this has been sitting in my drafts since last year. Anyway, without further ado I present to you my own take on the cottagecore aesthetic featuring Eula,Albedo,Kaeya,Zhongli and Kazuha!! 

Addendum: Dedicating Kaeya,Albedo and Kazuha's parts to my dearest friends <3. Starfell, my dear/p thank you so much for helping me manage my genshin account during my period of absence (due to finals). We have known each other for quite a while now and I have come to treasure our friendship a lot, thank you for everything you've done for me up until now. It's my turn to return the favour <3. 

Rei, I have come to know you for quite some time now as well, thank you for being a good friend and joining in on me and Starfell's shenanigans in our server haha.

Almond gege!! Though it's been a while since we last talked via dms it's still a lot of fun when I get to talk to you!! I adore your writing style and enjoy interacting with you in general :3 I genuinely cherish you as a friend and am hoping for the best for our friendship!! 

And now I'm done expressing my gratitude and platonic lovemail, happy reading!!

warnings: none

notes:© all rights belong to yuezhong. Eula Lawrence, Albedo Kreideprinz, Kaeya Alberich, Zhongli and Kaedehara Kazuha belong to Hoyoverse. Please do not plagiarize or copy any of my works and upload them anywhere. Reblog if you enjoyed! It helps a lot <3. Taglist form is still closed as of now.

☆ EULA LAWRENCE

Born into a life of wealth and luxury, EULA never had to worry about the woes of being in poverty nor fret over being unable to place food on her plate. 

Despite indulging in the multitudinal privileges of a silver spoon, she longs for freedom. She yearns to dance shoeless amongst large, open prairies beyond her comfortable, but stuffy abode. She yearns to run through the village streets, arms linked with friends while laughing heartily without a care in the world.

Because surely, she was meant for more than just practised smiles, business negotiations, and the inevitable arranged marriage with another influential industrial partner to expand her family’s power? 

Yearning leads to wanting, wanting leads to acting on one’s desires. Eula embodies this by her recent absences in her lessons; opting to go on introspective strolls in the nearby woodland to recollect her thoughts. 

When tutors came knocking on the door of Lord and Lady Lawrence to file yet another complaint of their eldest’s disappearance, the owners of the manor could only release twin huffs of exhausted exasperation; for they knew there was nothing they could do about their daughter’s one-track mind on her quests for freedom, though they were transient. 

The unpredictability of what life had to offer was daunting, yet oh-so wondrous at the same time. Chancing upon you was one of the latter. 

It was just one step of absent-mindedness, an innocent meeting of eyes.

Your congregation with her was fairytale-esque, whimsical with a touch of something reminiscent of a past love story. Perhaps you two were soulmates of a crueller past?; Bound once more by fate’s merciful hand. 

Whatever the circumstances that led to the two of you currently curling into the other’s embrace could not change one thing though: Her family would never approve of the blooming feelings between you two. This you know well. 

After all, why would they give their blessings entailing their daughter’s happiness to an outcast like you? Much less a witch. You are branded a sinner for your practices in sorcery, a cesspool of evil (or that was what most thought).

But in Eula’s eyes, she saw none of that sort. 

You are her safe haven, the fields of elysium where she can frolic blissfully all day long. And to secure the safety of it, she will brave every snowstorm, cut through biting frost thrown against both of you by the rest of the world. 

☆ALBEDO KREIDEPRINZ

As the sole medical practitioner in his village, ALBEDO is exalted for his role.

He takes pride in his line of work; but never exudes hubris for his achievements. Ever the humble worker, he tends to all with kindness: welcoming them with open arms entwined with generosity. 

Other than his amicable presence, his intellect is another one of the driving forces that gravitates people towards him. 

Scholars and members of academia alike sing praises for his sincere manner of speech, his efficacy in carrying out tasks. Cordial words bring the gist of topics in his medical presentations to life; holding candle light to Minerva’s clever hand in weaving embroidered tales. Yet his diligence keeps him on the right path, never straying from his destination. Patients recount his gentleness in treating their ailments, not once uttering words of ill-intent about their pains or the lengthy periods of time needed to guide them to full-recovery. 

Not born a social butterfly, Albedo instead opts to sit in the shade of his veranda⎯⎯ a structure of respite within the large expanse of the garden surrounding his cottage. He’d sit cross-legged with a book in hand on one of the chairs⎯⎯wrought carefully of fine mahogany as he savoured his favourite blend of tea languidly. 

It is only when he hears your voice does his ears perk up (figuratively). Carefully, he slots his bookmark between the pages to mark the passage he stopped on prior to your arrival. 

“Albedo!” 

He could feel the corners of his lips quirk up faintly at the sound of your voice as you jog towards him. Ah, what a lovely day to spend it outside.  

☆ KAEYA ALBERICH

“The word trouble and KAEYA go hand in hand.” These are the whispers of superficial neighbours that often reach your ears.

As his playmate who has seen him through thick and thin since young, you dismiss their hollow words easily. There is certainly more depth to Kaeya than it meets the eye; the many layered undertones of his character and complex past are two of the few clandestine things he entrusts you with. 

As the son of your village’s chief, it is not uncommon to find him out and about. This could be the direct link to the so-called “trouble” he causes, which is in reality just people’s misinterpretations of his intentions; and on top of that he somehow always manages to find himself in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

His unintentional penchant for attracting misfortune has left even his close ones baffled. And so, you take it upon yourself to rectify or at least mitigate this inborn unfortunate trait of his. 

“Kaeya!” 

A few soft taps against the glass window of the wooden hut where he shares residence with his father snaps him out of the dazed trance he somehow managed to fall into. Kaeya shifts his gaze to the source of your suppressed cry, grey eye glinting with a fondness only reserved for you and you alone. 

Gingerly, he presses both palms onto the cool, flat surface of both panes. Then after he has made sure you backed away completely from the window, he exerts a little more pressure onto the panes. 

“Hi.” His familiar, half-crescent smile greets you. 

“Hi.” Reciprocating with a grin, you rummage through the burlap sack, sifting through the various items stored away inside which were not visible to Kaeya’s wandering eye. 

“It’s an amulet, to keep you out of trouble.” You smile, cupping the said object in your hand with practised caution before placing it into his. 

Cooing a flirtatious “thank you, darling~ I will be sure to return the favour.” directly into your ear, Kaeya leans forward to press a kiss onto your cheek. He only chuckled at your attempts to hide your flustered state as he slipped off into the sableness of the night, guided by Luna's mellow rays. 

☆ZHONGLI

Toiling away at his crops diligently, ZHONGLI pauses to wipe the sweat away from his brows with the back of his hand. 

“Ah,hello.” He smiles warmly, tipping his straw hat in jest at you. Chuckling at the sound of your laugh at his little gesticulation, he beckons you into his cottage with a courteous hand.

 What awaits you inside are two earthen cups (moulded by his clever hand on his potter’s wheel) of lukewarm tea 𑁋 lavender, he informs. Ever the gentleman, Zhongli pulls your chair out for you as you set your things down by the door. 

An hour of idle chit-chat and degusting his wonderful tea later, he noticed your furrowed brows were directed at something outside one of the windows. Following your line of sight, he instantly knew why as soon as he set his eyes on a cluster of cumulonimbus clouds gathering in the sky.

“Would you like to stay over?” He proffered. 

A timid “yes please, apologies for the intrusion.” draws the smile you love so much from his lips. 

☆ KAEDEHARA KAZUHA

As a wanderer, KAZUHA has acclimated to the various perks and quirks of life on the-go. Whether it be finding lodgings in peculiar places or the capricious storms Inazuma brings.

Occasionally though, he would take a break from his nomadic lifestyle and settle down in small villages or suburban towns bustling with life for as long as he feels like it. 

That was how he was going to spend the rest of his life 𑁋 as a drifter, free as the winds captured by the sails of his raft he always relied upon to take him to new places; or so he thought.

A fond smile replaces his once neutral countenance as Kazuha gazes at the band of his ring resting snugly around his fourth finger. It has been a year since he became wedded to you and settled down for good. Yet, it still feels like a dream to him.

Kazuha’s mind couldn’t help but navigate its way back to the day before his promise of devoting himself to you as his bandaged fingers traced over the ring’s cool surface. You and him met by mere happenstance, it was as if fate had woven this indeterminate path for him and you were the one who lifted the mist that veiled it. 

Your magnanimity is something he will be eternally grateful for. Had you not offered to share your cottage with him when it was peak tourist season, he would have been homeless. 

Ah, your profession of your feelings to him is another one of the memories he holds dear in his repertoire. 

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” If you had been any softer, the words that slipped from your lips would have been whisked away by the tranquil night breeze.

His eyes fluttered shut in content. Kazuha nodded in assent.

“Indeed. I would be delighted to watch it together with you for as long as we shall live.”

You are half his soul, his north star and his inspiration for the poetry he waxes.

➵❁Taglist: @almond-adeptus @scribs-dibs @s4egusas @lilikags @thesapphirecake

[welcometojackass2022]

M (the boy) and I got dinner again yesterday and it was LOVELY so here’s an update now that it seems he may actually have feelings for me and is just incredibly scared because he’s never had a relationship before and might be scared of ruining our friendship:

Okay so first off, he doesn’t wanna risk making me go somewhere I don’t like so even when I tell him to pick he’ll still say three or four places and make me pick the one we actually go to. This time I picked a restaurant on our campus and we went there around 7:30! There was a big crowd and he was all nervous so we ordered online, got a table, I grabbed our food for both of us and then when we were filling our drinks and getting ketchup he clung to me like a kid clinging to his mom LMAO. He looked so lost when I went back to our table before he’d grabbed his ketchup. Anyway we sat at the table and talked until 10ish and it was a VERY good time. The energy felt different than usual, like we were closer and more intimate than before and neither of us felt the need to tone ourselves down. One thing about him that really came out yesterday is how unbelievably protective and worried he can get. I mentioned I have a tendency to get dizzy easily and have been exhausted a lot lately and he got concerned and googled anemia symptoms. Turns out I have all but 2 of the main symptoms. At that point he basically BEGGED me to start taking iron supplements and when I made a joke about not wanting to spend money he very sincerely said he’d happily pay for them himself if they’d make me feel better. (I ended up getting them today and he was happy I did!) he was also concerned cuz I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, and because I threw up Saturday morning from nausea due to not eating much the previous days.

He also gets worried for me in emotional ways. I was talking about an ex-friend of mine who’s a guy. M already dislikes this guy cuz he knows he treated me pretty bad and yesterday he really went in on him, saying nothing would ever make him like that guy in the slightest because of how disgusted he is about how he treated me and said how much of a piece of shit that guy is for trying to project a certain image onto me and for lovebombing me and then getting pissed when I just wanted to be friends. It was nice to hear. M’s the only guy who’s never objectified me or made me uncomfortable or insulted me/was mean to me as a “joke”. We discussed childhood hospital visits, us wanting to potentially go on a trip together some time, and how we both want to marry someone who has goals in life and actually wants to do something meaningful. He also complimented my writing skills cuz he knows I want to pursue writing as a career.

Interestingly enough, yesterday was also the first time I’ve ever heard him make dirty jokes! I had mentioned that me and one of my friends love dirty jokes, and after I said that he made a few. One about getting his cherry popped (not literally, he’s more of a Virgin than I am and that’s saying something), one about people who like to be choked, and at one point he said “pussy” which shocked me cuz he won’t even say boobs, he says breasts. It was hilarious, and it was nice to see him be less serious with me than he is with most. I also mentioned that I “test” men to see if they have bad tempers or not, and he asked if I’d ever tested him and sincerely wanted to know if he’d ever done anything to make me worried he had a temper. I told him no, he’s never done anything to worry me (he hasn’t), and he seemed relieved. He also said he’s never been annoyed or frustrated with me, so that’s good. He has a strangely protective vibe, like he wants to take care of me and keep me safe. I like it.

Anyway, after we left the restaurant around 10pm, we walked back towards my building. He knows I love looking at posters around campus, so he purposefully took me on a path with plenty of posters and stopped to look at them with me. Any time I’d stop to look at bugs or pick up a piece of trash, he’d immediately notice I wasn’t walking with him, turn to look for me, and then patiently watch me do whatever I was doing. Then he’d gently ask “all ready?” And I’d nod and walk back over to him and we’d keep walking. Usually we talk in front of his building, but mine was closer, so we stopped and talked there. We had a really funny conversation about tarot cards and zodiac signs where he made a couple of subtle jokes about tarot cards predicting that the two of us would be together or that he had appeared in my dreams (he actually has). We looked at bugs again and talked about whether we want to have our own rooms as married adults or not. At 10:40 he reminded me that I’d mentioned earlier that I had a paper I still needed to turn in by 11:59 (I’d totally forgotten), and then reminded me to take my medicine when I went back to my room. We hugged (super nice hug, I had on a tank top so there was a lot of skin to skin contact and I think the poor guy was a little hard. Plus I could feel his cheek pressed against my shoulder. Also this was in public so people could see us hugging for ten seconds straight lol), said goodnight, and that was that. Very sweet night. Felt good.

[dragonbored]

Markarth, Throat of the World & Sovngarde?

YAYYY hi bestie (beloved follower)

Markarth - If you could rewrite one questline in Skyrim, which would it be?

oh boy do i have OPINIONS. if i could rewrite on questline in skyrim i would rewrite the companions questline to Not Be The Companions

sorry. racist werewolves aside, i think i agree w u that it would be the dark brotherhood, but i’ve got different ideas. idgaf abt astrid and cicero and the night mother i want oblivion back. the oblivion dark brotherhood questline is my favorite fucking questline in any video game, i swear to god. your first quest is to go sneak aboard a pirate ship?? you dive into the ocean to escape?? you can murder a guy by dropping his stuffed minotaur head or whatever tf that taxidermy is on him?? wildly sprinting away from bruma so his guard doesn’t catch you and you still get the bonus?? THE MURDER MYSTERY DINNER PARTY??????

i’m sorry i just love oblivion so so so much. i would try and return some of that whimsy to the dark brotherhood. i mean, yeah, i guess we can keep the whole betrayal thing, but i never liked the night mother’s portrayal and just am not fond of any of the existing npcs there. also, including an assassination of the emperor was fucking stupid, i hate how tes tries to make it canon that your character is simultaneously the gods’ greatest gift to nirn and also sithis himself (what’s the tes equivalent of the devil)

actually speaking of stupid canonical statuses i would rewrite the civil war questline to also not exist. fuck it the dragonborn is just a messenger now. the war doesn’t have a finish within the game, we leave it at a standstill. like i said i have Opinions

Throat of the World - How do you feel about “Season Unending”?

to be truthful with you beloved follower i didn’t remember what this quest was. in recent times i haven’t even gotten to diplomatic immunity. i always lose interest before i get that far LMFAO. that being said when i remembered what it was i’m vaguely fond of it. i think having a meeting where you just have to sit down and debate shit is fun. don’t remember if it translates very well into a video game. love the idea of the dragonborn sitting there simmering with rage while everyone insults each other. think it’s really stupid that everyone somehow safely made the climb up the 7000 steps at the same time without guards carriages horses or food. you’re telling me elenwen hiked that shit?

Sovngarde - How would your Last Dragonborn celebrate after the battle with Alduin, or would they celebrate at all?

OOF… you’ve hit me with the one oc question. i love to discuss my Opinions (there’s lots of them) but ocs require more thoughts. hm…

azug would celebrate because i think lucien would go hog wild about his friend defeating alduin and erik is just down to party. where the fuck do you go after coming back from skuldafn? how do you come back? do you just fast travel? summon odahviing again? it’s been so long i don’t remember. i’ll just assume you summon odahviing again and he deposits you back in dragonsreach, in which case, jarl balgruuf would probably want to have a feast or something anyway. but azug and the crew would go celebrating on their own after, and, tbh, knowing azug, would probably keep celebrating for a long time after. like, bar hopping in every city for the next year (or until whatever inevitable tragedy happens next for them to help with)

megana is much more reserved. she would enjoy the feast but she doesn’t really. have close friends. at least not yet, i haven’t finished the game with her so idk. she also doesn’t live in whiterun like azug does (well, technically azug lives outside in tundra homestead) so i think she might have less casual friends there. all that being said, i don’t think she would celebrate beyond agreeing to whatever celebrations are held for her, and even then she would quickly find a limit to what she could stand to attend. she’s more of a private person; she’d rather have a few drinks with the others at the college of winterhold (hey i forgot she was gonna do that quest) or relax with thistle in myrwatch than be rowdy all across skyrim like azug

sadly those r the only two i can answer for, cirendil exists in my mind palace but i haven’t played her at all so i don’t have a good grasp of her character or development. friki is… technically a dragonborn because the randomizer feature in the alternate start mod i’m using decided she would be, and because i think it’s funny to imagine her going around stealing shit and not at all being helpful while another dragonborn actually does their job, but she will not be doing the main quests at any point so i don’t bother contemplating her much

thank u for asking!!! this one was super fun to consider <3

[system-of-a-feather]

Hi, as my designated bird professional i have a bird related question, in particular if you know any tips or tactics on how to approach people in public to get them to stop feeding ducks and other birds?

bc i was in a park yesterday with some friends and a stranger sat down next to us and started throwing bread (and fries??!) at the birds; which is not only prohibited but we could directly see why, bc they then started swarming us too and one of the bigger seagulls got so greedy that it bit a smaller one in the neck and wouldnt let go for a while(?!?) it was kind of scary situation and i was very uncomfortable and wanted to say something but i... didnt ;_; we just got up and left and i still feel bad about it so i wanted to ask if you maybe had some... tips and tricks so i can prepare in case something like that happens again :D

As the resident hand-thrower over some of this stuff, yep I do XD Im just gonna ramble on about this topic some and give some tid bits about why you don't do that stuff usually.

I will admit, the amount I stress it personally varies depending on what food they are feeding, how much they are feeding, and what species they are feeding. In all cases it is technically (and for valid reason) illegal cause the idea is that it can 1) create dependence on humans 2) cause them to become too comfortable with humans which can result in them "attacking" or being perceived as attacking humans which can end up with humans calling to have them killed 3) if not eaten, the food (particularly bread) can rot in the environment and make it unhealthy for them to live in 4) for migratory species it can encourage them to skip migration which can potentially fuck up population dynamics

So as a disclaimer, I tend to "care less" if the birds fed are birds that don't tend to migrate as much / the damage is done (mallards, canada geese, any released domestic ducks and geese, any non-native ducks and geese that were likely also released from farms) as it doesn't really harm them anymore than they already are so long as the feed stuff is actually good for them. By "care less" I mostly mean "don't feel that bad about not saying something."

That said, I do actually support feeding waterfowl In Minecraft that are KNOWN to have been released from domestic settings occasionally - especially if theyve been recently dropped off - as a means of kinda helping them wean off of human care and into natural foraging. But again, only if you KNOW they were released into parks and only if you can reliably feed ONLY them. (usually my go to for this is if they are non-native domestic ducks and they - without hesitation - eat from your hands, its probably safe to say they were raised on a farm or in a domestic setting; this is pretty helpful for not feeding waterfowl that weren't released like this too because even the imprinted ones will be hesitant to eat directly from the hand imo)

If any food is given to any waterfowl species, bread and processed high carb foods are horrible for them and can directly cause horrific long term disabilities if they are fed too much bread. The two largest conditions they tend to develop are these things called "Angel Wings" which - due to poor nutrition - the feathers around the wings grow back in incorrectly and make their wings practically useless; I'm sure I don't need to explain why thats horrible for a bird. Additionally, when given too much bread, you tend to get these obese and misshapen waterfowl that become so heavy in the rump that they are also completely unable to fly (you can see in the right image how much the rump sags).

Both of these can be relatively difficult to rehabilitate and medically treat and thus a lot of these birds are either put down or - if they are lucky - sent to a sanctuary.

Admittedly, a large portion of people feeding bread and other unhealthy foods often know that its illegal and that they shouldn't and do so anyways, so I will say most of the time you confront them, they will get awkward and leave for a bit but theyll likely come back again if you just tell them no.

Usually my go to is to kind of try to find a way to kindly bring it up and the negative affects (usually talking about angel wings is and showing it to them and explaining the long term affects of angel wings is one of the more visceral things that kinda make some of the better people go "oh maybe I shouldnt do this" as the other points tend to be a lot more of a concept than a real thing to them) and deeply suggest that if they care for the waterfowl to Not Feed them Bread

And a lot of them still want the attention and experience of feeding the ducks, which is something you can't really convince people against doing if Angel Wings doesn't deter them, so when I realize its probably that case, I usually just go "if you HAVE to feed them, please feed them something more nutritious for them like peas, cut leafy greens, grapes, oats, and cracked corn.

Most of the time, I have to settle with damage control because people are stubborn.

That said I still do tend to try

As for why french fries are unhealthy and bad to feed...

[moonjxsung]

ugh your response just ugggghhhhhh speaks to my soul. giggling and kicking my feet at how much u fit the minho agenda

i haven’t really been in too many relationships, but the ones that I have been in have been so terrible for my sexual identity. let’s get into it.

I’m extremely introverted, (but very open and bubbly around my friends/fam/inner circle ykwim?), but most of the time super shy and anxious ESP in public places that involve advocating for myself with ordering food or asking someone else for anything etc. I HATE IT I JUST WANT TO RUN AND HIDE AND RAHHHHHH

haven’t always been like this, i was a super extroverted kid, but i think as I’ve grown up and gone through a number of experiences in which I’ve lost that confidence and ignorant bliss that i used to have, my personality evolved as a result.

anywaysssss, my most recent ex was very extroverted but also very controlling, (which i ignored for way too long to not be affected by) however he lacked the ability to give me that safe feeling that i need in a relationship—i need a dom partner who uses that power dynamic in a loving and affirming way towards me, if that makes sense? like i get a lot of comfort from affirming words from the person im with in that dom position.

( the ex was a fucking waste of human . When i tried testing the waters to come out to him, he told me that if i was “gay”(meaning anything but straight) he would immediately break up with me and would have never dated me, he never made me cum even one time, and cheated on me :D )

anyways.

I’m such a sub but tbh would maybe be open to versing IF my partner was into that? yeah i feel like that was an even more submissive thing to say than saying I’m a sub goodbye🧍🏽‍♀️

had to add the babygirl princess himself

Thank u for adding babygirl hanji he cleansed the palate after listening to your shitty ex story good LORDDDDD….. the part about you trying to come out to him????? Sheesh what a fucking loser

I totally get what you mean about someone needing to establish a safe environment for you to be in that sort of dynamic. I definitely feel the same way in that I need to feel safety and security before literally anything else in a relationship and because I’m usually the one who prefers to be in control, I try my best to keep things as safe as possible, like opening the door for clear communication, making sure we’re both on the same page about what we want, establishing clear boundaries, etc. It sounds like your ex never valued any of that and that’s why it wasn’t the fit for you. I think it’s very easy to get caught up in that mindset of feeling like you have more control over someone outside of a romantic or sexual sense when you’re the one wearing the pants in a relationship, so I definitely just advocate for very clear communication and being able to express what we both want out of something. And I usually expect it back (though I always somehow get stuck talking to women who like to reap the benefits of a woman w inherently masculine traits without wanting to date an actual woman and it sucks lmao) but yeah, in short I just like to sort of be the person initiating everything and taking care of another person and establishing a safe space for both of us to just be comfortable and safe with each other. That’s another reason I’m really attracted to introverts and shy people because I can sorta facilitate those conversations and check in w them to make sure they’re comfortable and the dynamic is just…. something I’m very attracted to lmao

You’ll definitely have your share of SHITTY fucking people and you’ll have to sort of learn what you want out of a relationship but I have no doubt you’re going to find someone who treats you like the absolute angel you are 🫶 don’t ever settle for less than you deserve and know that your scummy ex doesn’t determine what’s still out there for you. You deserve to be safe and loved and taken care of and your ex deserves to rot in hell

Sending u all my love little angel xoxoxoxo 💞💞💖💗💝💞💕💓👼🫶

[squirmydonnie]

Long post

Vent?? Sort of

CW: unreality, weird food preference at the end

Sometimes I feel like I need to explain c12. I just want to say it so bad. But other times I could care less about saying it.

Part of the reason I've stopped daydreaming is to feel like I'm physically there for people. Sometimes not even physically but more like on the same plane as others.

I felt like I wouldn't be able to connect with others if the most I've felt connected is with fake people. I just don't believe it would work out.

At least not how I want it to. I want to be able to be present and have some ability to focus.

Everything I would say meant something. I meant everything I said. But I didn't feel like I meant it. I felt like I was fake to everybody. Even if I put my whole heart into it, it still seemed like I wasn't there.

Recently it's been different, but I still feel fake. Not like a fake person anymore,, but also not like my words are my words.

I definitely mean them and I overthink them a whole lot, but I don't feel like I'm having conversation.

I'm still the person who usually ends up making a conversation break. Even though I add to the conversation and sometimes make people laugh I don't feel like it stays.

I don't really forget but I don't feel like I'm part of the group.

If theres no daydream to distract me or be there for me it just makes everything more difficult.

I came across the drawing in one of my sketchbooks recently

It's from last summer.

Cookie 12 was like a shell for me. It kept me safe and made me feel better. But other times it made me feel worse. I don't like feeling conflicted like this so I thought I'd be better off just not daydreaming about them or the people in their life in general.

I thought I'd stay like that forever. When I thought about my future they were always there. A part of my life.

I didn't ever want my imaginary people to not be there for me. I never thought I'd do something like this.

I could totally daydream right now. It wouldn't be very hard. I would be kind of rusty. I have a specific way of how it works so it would feel kind of awkward.

It was nice to hear people call me by my other name.

The first day I went without daydreaming I ate this.

It was pretty hard to resist daydreaming then. I really like cheeseburgers and mozzarella sticks. They're my favorite foods, but I like food more when daydreaming.

I couldn't stop thinking how much better It would be. And I was pretty hungry. It was the last swim meet of the season. So I just ate it(though I would have done that anyway).

The picture is actually a picture of what I ate on the 17th. (I lost my photos)

The same meal. It was really good.

I didn't daydream through it either. I watched tv on my brothers laptop.

This part has been good.

[retcon-writer]

9/5/23

The sound of the thunder scares me to death. It’s not the sort of thing you’d expect from someone like me, scrawny as I am. Weak people like me generally need to be quick to be brave against the world to survive around here- not that I’ve had a chance to go elsewhere, what with the tight security around nowadays. Impossible to leave without a permit, I tell you. Not that I don’t get it, what with the recent events and missing persons incidents, everyone’s scared outta their mind… running around like rabid rats if you ask me.

No… rats are harder than people. It’s because they’re weaker, so they can sense danger better. It used to scare the hell outta me, I always found them so ominous as a young ‘un. Always lingering around, watching, thinking…

Of course I figured that was a load of hot air when I caught and cooked my first one, I suppose the fact I hadn’t done so already was what allowed me to catch it so easily. Y’see, the weak also hope. They hope for the companionship of someone stronger, someone to protect them- not that I’m like that, I just noticed that in others… no, perhaps that was a lie.

But this hope, I noticed it, and took advantage of it, the rats, they skitter around so frantically when they realise one of their brethren have gone missing. Luckily, I had a talent for cleaning- as my last occupation left me with lots of experience and a bruised eye on my way out, and I am very good at keeping myself clean because of it. I’d just simply revisit the rat den and they’d welcome me- hoping with all their beady eyes that I’d either feed them or drop dead, I made sure to snag one on my way out when they were all focused on their own activities.

That kept me going for a good while, but soon they’d install curfews and guards stationed around, hoping it’d help; I found it very cute. All I’d need to do is call out with promises of food or throw an off-hand insult from an alleyway to get a drunk to come down with a score to settle- though I tend to avoid them, processed alcohol isn’t as nice as you’d think, and I need to keep a straight head to remain careful. And here I’ve gone on and on and I realise, I haven’t been scared of them since I gutted my first. They were no longer indecipherable beings that always seemed to watch, I no longer had issues figuring out what they were thinking while looking at me: pity for a poor child, desire for companionship of a fellow weakling, rage at a brat that had called them a “lumbering oaf”, fear of prey looking up at their predator.

I used to do it for the food, but nowadays I just do it for the sport, thrill of the hunt and all that- but it truly is an amusing game, even if the other players don’t feel the same way. And if they truly don’t wish to play, they can always leave; as if! Guards have set this district in a more or less complete lockdown. And everyone knows it’s not to hold the culprit here; it’s for the people. They can’t have the other districts overflow, or have people leave the city, otherwise what would happen to their precious tax income? And of course they need their guinea pigs- lambs of slaughter I say- to get more hints and clues to further their limping investigation. I’ve noticed they’ve been cursing their protectors more than their killers on their deathbed as of late; not that I’ve suddenly grown a bleeding heart, personally I find it quite amusing. I have to say though, I do pity the lower ranks of the guards that do the actual investigating. Higher brass who locked ‘em in here are safe in their ivory towers (they aren’t) while the guards down here come across my rosy works and barf, which is quite rude if I have to say.

Oh yeah, I’ve been getting into art as well recently. I know it’s bad taste, but “what is art if not a way to express oneself”- I think someone once said that to me anyway. Recently I’ve been thinking this pond has gotten a bit small for me, I think I’ll likely see what a district closer to the castle has to offer, perhaps I’ll have some towers to climb.

But for now, I’ve noticed a few rats following me again, it’s not very rare but not exactly common either, so I’ll have to take care of this, making as little ‘a commotion as possible, I bid thee adieu.

I think I’ll be able to make a pretty flower with these ones.

[autism-criminal]

untitled Tang angst fic part two!!

Takes place after the first one! He is still suffering .3

Warnings (still kinda the same as last time): reluctance to eat, being unsafe alone, suffocating

Tang hadn’t been back to his apartment in a few months; not since Pigsy had quite literally carried him away. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go back or not.

All of his books were in there. He needed those books to get better, to be perfect—

Tang shook his head, looking up from his bowl of noodles. He shouldn’t think like that. It would make Pigsy upset.

The noodles in front of him had been sitting there for a few minutes. It was probably cold by now. Again, Tang didn’t want to make Pigsy upset, so he ate the noodles anyway. It tasted different; not as comforting as it would be if it was warm.

But food was food, and Tang needed to eat. He didn’t feel like eating. He wanted to study.

The bowl was still half-full. Tang sighed and raised the chopsticks to his mouth again.

Pigsy was serving another customer at the counter. Tang considered saying something, but remembered what Master Subodhi said; among many other things, he was whiny.

So Tang kept his mouth shut and kept eating.

After Pigsy was done, he walked over to Tang. Pigsy had been acting a lot nicer recently, since Tang had decided to ‘perfect his skills’. Pigsy had half a mind to find Master Subodhi and beat him up, but he didn’t want to leave Tang alone.

Tang had noticed Pigsy’s change in behavior, and he knew why. Well, he thought he did.

Tang thought that it was because he was fragile. Weak. That he needed protecting. Which only made Tang work harder, which only made Pigsy more concerned.

”Hey, Tang, how ya feeling?” Pigsy asked, smiling warmly.

Tang still wasn’t used to how nice Pigsy was being. He’d almost prefer being called a freeloading coward.

Almost.

“I’m feeling fine,” Tang said simply, pushing the bowl of noodles to the side. “Just a bit….”

You're lazy. You whine, complain, and you do not practice.

“‘Just a bit’…?” Pigsy repeated, nodding at Tang.

“Nothing, Pigsy. I’m fine.”

Tang stood up, zoning out for a second before he cleared his throat and smiled.

“I’m going to stop by my apartment to grab some things.”

Pigsy made a face for a second; one of concern, but that Tang interpreted as pity.

“I’ll go with you—”

“You don’t have to do that, Pigsy,” Tang said firmly, adjusting his bag. “I don’t need to be taken care of all the time.”

“I just want you to be safe,” Pigsy said, hesitating before he spoke again. “I don’t think you should go to your apartment alone.”

Would you pull yourself together?!

Tang winced before he walked out the door, not bothering to reply to Pigsy.

As he walked to his apartment, he bumped into Mei, who was on the way to the shop.

“Oh, hey, Tang!” she said cheerfully, waving before she kept walking.

Get your head in the game!

Tang looked back at Mei for a second, shaking his head briefly. He was fine. He was fine, he was fine, he was fine.

His feet were on autopilot as he walked to his apartment, which unfortunately left his thoughts to wander.

Together? Remind me again exactly what is it you contribute to the team?

Maybe if you spent a little less time complaining and a little more time thinking, we would’ve found our friends by now? Maybe?

Wrong! It’s your complete lack of skill.

They seem to get on just fine without you.

Tang unlocked his apartment door, groaning as he realized that the light in his study was still on.

He walked to his study, briefly glancing over the papers before picking them up and stuffing them in his bag.

Tang turned off the light, stumbling on the carpet as he left. He couldn’t catch himself in time, and ended up on the floor, his hands burning.

He stood up, looking down at his hands; his palms were scraped from the mess on the floor.

Hands shaking and eyes burning, Tang took a deep breath and walked to the table, sitting down in the darkness.

“I’m fine,” he whispered, looking down at his hands. “Just a few little scratches. It’s nothing.”

He nodded to himself, standing and walking to the bathroom to get a bandage. He fumbled with the drawer for a second before grabbing the gauze and wrapping up his hand.

Tang flexed his hand, testing it out, and the bandage fell off.

He swallowed, leaving the gauze on the floor and walking away. It was just a bandage. It didn’t mean anything.

But if Tang couldn’t wrap a bandage right, what else couldn’t he do?

He couldn’t do anything.

Tang took another deep breath, but it didn’t work. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He quickly took off his scarf, but he only felt more suffocated.

He didn’t notice the tears streaming down his face, or that he’d somehow ended up on the floor, gasping for air. He didn’t notice the door opening, either.

Silently, an arm wrapped around Tang. No words, just quiet comfort.

Tang and Pigsy stayed there, sitting on the floor, until Tang could finally breathe again, and he spoke.

“Sorry,” he whispered, blinking rapidly, breathing slowly. “I didn’t mean for you to… have to deal with me like this.”

“We all have our days,” Pigsy said simply. “What matters is that you’re okay.”

“I think I am,” Tang said, looking at Pigsy. He slowly, shakily stood up.

Tang looked down at his bag, papers still messily crammed inside.

Well, might wanna get cramming then—

Tang huffed and shook his head. He wasn’t going to think like that any more. He heard Pigsy standing up and turned to look at him.

“Let’s head back to the shop,” Pigsy said, turning to Tang with a small, nervous smile.

Tang hesitated before he replied. He looked down at the papers in his bag again, gently picking them up and setting them down on the table.

“Let’s go.”

[fourhornedsatyr]

Recently I've been trying to build up the confidence to present as myself (as a woman) outside of my typical comfort zone.

I'm a very butch transwoman so a lot of my gender signaling comes down to my voice, how I decide to do my hair & cosmetics, and how I decide to style my clothes. It's the little things. I still, very much so, enjoy confusing people on my gender, but nowadays most people consider me a woman until they hear me speak.

I am not confident in my voice. I know it passes, but I still struggle to use it when I am uncomfortable or outside of my safe groups.

I, quite frankly, got sick of this after a while. So I thought about the issue in a different light and compared it to something that I deal with in my regular work week.

I am a wildlife ecologist, and I have an irrational fear of bears. Just bears, no other big predatory animal that could kill me, just bears.

I've worked in the northeast USA for two years now and have lived in rural areas and remote field stations for many seasons. Black bears are a common sighting in my work. Have I had one or two scary encounters with them? Yea. Are they annoying sometimes? Yea. Are they really that scary? No. Like, a bear can certainly kill me and there are times of the year when I should stay the absolute fuck away from a black bear, but tbh most of them will back off if I just make myself known. Black bears make me uncomfortable, but I know that (most of the time) I know how to handle an encounter and survive with minimal stress.

I am now preparing to move out for my first job in the southeast. I have never been in grizzly country, and I am terrified. However, I know that there are ways to handle grizzlies. Bear spray, bear bells, and bear cans will work on grizzlies, just as they do on my local black bears.

However, there's still a massive aspect of working with grizzlies that catches me up.

They are massive, and they are not cowards like my black bears. Black bears will certainly attack if there is food present, if one doesn't properly identify themself, if one gets too close to one, if its starved, if it has cubs, or if it just wants to fuck around & find out. Yet, most of the time you can yell at a black bear and it will go away.

Grizzlies, on the other hand, are the dominant entity in any interaction. There are preventative measures to be taken. Travel in groups, make noise, secure your food, have bearspray on hand, and be aware of your surroundings. Yet in the end (skipping many steps) the final precaution is to defend your head and neck and play dead. That scares the shit out of me.

Thinking about cis-folk as bears has helped me gain some courage. Most cis people won't cause me any trouble. They may misgender me, look at me funny, and generally make me feel uncomfortable when I present as myself; however, they're most likely not going to care enough to cause me any significant stress or threaten my safety.

Of course there are outliars in this group. Groups of these black bear cis folk, parents with kids (although I'm realizing that's less common now-a-days), and black bears who happen to be with a single grizzly (weird analogy I know).

Transphobes, like, the real transphobes who believe all of those nasty things about us trans folk -- those are the grizzlies.

Is it likely that I will encounter one on the regular? No, not at all.

Are there ways for me to deal with them? Yes.

Are there ways to avoid interactions? Some.

Are there ways to keep myself safe? Yes.

Will they seek to cause me harm or even kill me? Yes.

Will my self defense make me uncomfortable? Will it feel like an act of submission? Will I have to fake a submissive aspect of myself that doesn't exist? Is it likely that it could all just fail anyways? Yes.

Am I going to stop being myself? No.

Why should I?

Would I stop hiking because I'm afraid of bears? Absolutely not!

Would I quit my job because I had a scary encounter with a grizzly? Definitely not.

Similarly, would I stop being myself because I'm afraid that someone may make me uncomfortable for not being myself?

Would I stop being myself because someone might hurt or kill me because of their hatred towards people like me?

No.

So I'll go on living. If a bear kills me then at least I'll have a story for someone elss to tell.