#anyway trying to teach myself that I do not have to solve every problem and answer every question and think about every topic all the time

[v-iv-rusty]

I think the best way I've found to deal with intrusive thoughts (at least at night when I'm trying to sleep and they won't let me) is to listen to music but like. specifically to focus everything on feeling the shapes of the notes in such a way that prevents any thought from occurring at all, if that makes any sense

[kerryweaverlesbian]

I love your Daphne Allen posts; all of your posts talking about characters struggling with gender and sexual identity are so well written and thought out, especially genderqueer!Dean. Do you have any other thoughts on Daphne, no matter how small? I love hearing about your ideas ♥️

[Anon is referring to this fic and this poem]

:") everyone is nice to meeeee, thank you ❤️ I'm going to call Daphne he throughout this so don't get confused. I don't have bonus headcanons about him at the moment, I usually construct those for minor characters as I'm making a fic about them, but I'll talk broadly about my thoughts about him under the cut (it got long LOL).

I think Daphne gets to me in particular with gender, because:

a) Meet My Girlfriend by Transgenderism was the first time it really clicked in my head that you can just. Choose. To change your pronouns. If it makes you happy. And you can still be a lesbian. So he's linked in my mind with that revelation.

b) pulling some man out of a river and marrying him on the spot is PEAK compulsory (cis)heterosexuality. Like. Ah yes :) God has sent me a man to solve my problem and he doesn't know what Being A Man is so he's Safe plus 'this is normal heterosexual behaviour I'm pretty sure [it absolutely is not]'.

(Reading Adorned With Smoke For Clothes by lesbiansailor, where Daphne prays for salvation [from being a lesbian] and there stumbles upon "Emmanuel" and is like 'oh okay' really sank into my brain, that's definitely what happened.)

c) I've always loved 'teaching someone how to be human' but the sweet, sweet juice of "teaching someone how to be A Man when you are insecure and unhappy about your own gender role"? YUM YUM YUM. The act of finding yourself through the other!! That's how. To get a little introspective lol. That's how I tend to work through figuring stuff out about myself. There is someone in my life and I think to myself "ah they might be _. This explains me thinking about it so much." And then like 3-5 months later I'm like wait. I think I am _. Lol. So I can project that projection onto Daphne, but with bonus resentment because I love resentment it's so fun to write.

d) obviously him being partnered with Castiel, who I view as a secure trans man (he "became a father", he went from agender to man, he literally changed from a female vessel to a male one, many people in fandom have said this. He literally invented free will to choose to be a trans gay man ❤️*). Having someone SO sure that he's a man even when he lost ALL his memories and didn't even know how to use a toothbrush at first AND when he's doing manhood "wrong" and sensitively and queerly, to a transmasc Daphne that's got to feel like "he doesn't even care about what it means to be a man so I have to care about it for both of us and I still don't get to be one!!! I don't want to think about it!!!!"

e) the way prescriptive religion ties in with him, doubting his gender role means doubting God which means potentially upending his entire community and being so fucking lonely. We only see Daphne for like. 1 minute of screentime lmao so it is for the best that they didn't pile on more side characters but it gives the impression that he doesn't have any friends**, which makes me think about how Marge Simpson doesn't have any friends (highly recommend the Lola Sebastian video about Marge) which makes me think about (my) fear of becoming a housewife with no friends.

So, I think Daphne is afraid of being himself with the (justified!) fear of losing his present community, but in trying to avoid that, he can't get truly close to people and thus causes that lonliness anyway. A vicious cycle...

f) Daphne is a character firmly discarded by Supernatural - which is fine, I don't want every 3 second character to keep coming back or we'd have 100 Cole's and I couldn't stand 1 Cole - but finding love for minor characters in spn has become a particular fascination of mine ❤️ mostly due to the sapphicnatural community 🧡 With the meta context that minor characters are not only disregarded by the characters amd writers but disregarded by GOD, for a character like Daphne who throws himself so firmly into faith that he marries a man whom - I cannot stress enough - he found in a river, that dramatic irony is so delicious. He's putting his life in service of a guy who, if asked, might not even remember his name. JUICY.

And e and f together beg the question, if it doesn't make him less lonely and if God [who is also a misogynist just btw] doesn't care what he does. Why is he putting himself through the agony of the closest. If his life is so flimsy that he can marry a stranger like it's nothing, why can't he pursue a life that makes him HAPPY?

g) Johanna Marlowe's performance of Daphne....she [the actor] just looks so strangely afraid? Daphne had just been attacked, but even when he's safe and looking up at Emmanuel, there's something fearful there I think:

Like maybe that's just how her face looks, but there's also the way she decided to touch him glancingly, hesitant and fleeting. Look at her physicality choices in her one scene. If I were just attacked by a demon and my spouse came and untied me, I would probably, like, hug them and find reassurance in them? But Marlowe says no. I will touch his face as quickly as possible and then let him drag me around. They're not even holding hands!! He grabs her wrist and she makes a fist! I never noticed that before that's crazy. Anyway this may have been directorial just to get through the scene quickly, there's a lot to get through in the episode, but regardless of the practical reasons behind her performance, it is Text and it is Strange!

And finally. I realised I do actually have a small headcanon. I think Daphne's transmasc new name is one of three:

Emmanuel (he chose the name, he should get to keep it!); Samson (biblical, raised according to the instructions of angels, had his dark night of the soul from his beloved cutting his hair [PS I think Daphne grows out his hair through transition]); or he keeps Daphne. He can still be Daphne if he wants. You can do whatever you want forever!

I also think he keeps his faith in God. His logic is that he asked for salvation -> Emmanuel appeared -> Emmanuel's questioning of his life brought him to true understanding of himself, and this must be holy.

*(I actually think Cas can also be attracted to women personally but this post isn't about him)

** also the fact that no one talked him out of marrying Emmanuel lmao

***Also from the Wikipedia recounting of the bible version he might be really into bondage??? Get it Samson!!

[8turn-xikers-galaxy]

Hunt Your Heart ❤💕✨💓

(🎀💖Xikers- Hunter x Fem! Reader 💖🎀)

Genre : Fluff, Non-idol AU

Tw : Reader is going through a rough time in the beginning, Reader is an orphan, Mentions of food, Absolute cringe, Kinda (very) cliché, grammatical and spelling mistakes, too many emojis ( Let me know if I missed anything)

Idols mentioned : Kyujin from Nmixx, Leeseo from IVE, Xikers members

Key : B/n - Book name

Note : This is my cousin's idea and my first time writing it as a oneshot so there might be a lot of cringe stuff and mistakes but I tried my best so I hope you like it! The credit goes to my cousin.

💙 Y/n's POV ❤

Student life has always been hard for me. No true friends to share my feelings with. No teachers who would actually understand me. No family.... It's always been this way. My parents abandoned me when I was 12. All of my friends are toxic and my teachers always take their anger on me. In the midst of all this inconvenience, I try my best to be optimistic and face my problems a little differently. As of now, I'm sat here in Math class Trying to solve the quadratic equation "Fuck... " I mutter under my breath once I mess up. "Hey Kyujin, Can you teach me how to solve this?" I've never been good enough at Math. I managed to pass 9th grade with just a fluke but I dunno How I'll survive this year. "Yeah sure, can you wait tho? I'm helping Leeseo with the third sum" She said without even turning to face me "It's fine, I'll do it myself" And that's how it goes every single time...

🍃🌺🎀✨ Timeskip ✨🎀🌺🍃

After working for a while, the bell finally rung and I waited for everyone to leave before packing my stuff. "Miss L/n, could you meet me in my office after lunch?" My teacher asked me on my way to the cafeteria. "Of course Mrs. Yoon" I didn't speak any further, knowing she gets angry easily at anything and everything (yikes) that's just how it's been. The teachers always get their way to get me to do their work for them. Oh, well. I went to the café to grab myself some Kimchi Mandu. Then, I went outside to the school field and sat down under my favorite blossom tree to eat. My eyes wandered to the tennis court where the senior grade summer campers were playing their hearts out. I saw a tall boy with black hair and beautiful brown eyes with a red jersey, hitting every ball with grace, with a cute gentle smile and ethereal Features. I didn't realize I was zoning out until I heard a male voice behind me snapping me out of my daydream. "You done checking him out?" I turned around to see a boy with messy brown hair, leaning against the tree "w-what? Do I know you?" I asked with a slight blush "I'm Choi Hyunwoo! Captain of the soccer team and Hunter's bestie, The guy you were staring at" He smiled and sat down beside me "Uhh, I wasn't staring" He chuckled And nudged my arm "Sure you weren't"

"Anyways, why are you out here alone? Don't you guys eat in the cafeteria?" Hearing him ask that, I visibly tensed up thinking he might see me as a weirdo. "I... Don't have any friends to eat with, so I prefer to eat out here. It brings some peace to me" He gave me another one of his infamous eye smile. "I can accompany you everyday if you don't mind! I love making friends"

And that's how me and Hyunwoo became best friends. Months passed, and Autumn finally rolled by. Me and Hyunwoo kept growing closer. One particular evening, Mr. Min called me to his office just when I was leaving. "Please sit" I did as I was told however I didn't have a good feeling about it. "Ms.L/n, you do notice you've not had any improvement in your math classes right?" He asked me somewhat softly "Yes sir, but I promise I'm trying my best to improve although nothing seems to work" He nodded. "Then how do you suppose passing your finals this year? Do you realise you're two months away from it?" I looked at my feet, not able to utter a word Knowing he would speak against me regardless of my protests. "I'll assign a tutor for you, starting today. He'll meet you at the school library at 6" I nodded. "Okay sir" He nodded, slightly cracking a smile "You may take your leave now" I got out of his room and heaved a deep sigh. A tutor? That's not too bad. It could've been worse tbh. I walked to the blossom tree where me and Hyunwoo usually meet up. I sat down and took out my sketchbook to doodle for a while. When I looked up from my book to look for an inspiration, my eyes wandered to the tennis court again. In the blink of an eye, A ball came flying out of the court and landed beside me. I picked it up and when I looked up again, I saw Hunter running towards me to get the ball. He stood in front of me and heck, I totally fell. He looked so... Perfect. I couldn't even make up words to describe him because nothing seemed good enough to me.

All the stories that Hyunwoo tells me about him make me want to get to know him better but I just couldn't get myself to budge when it came to him.

I snap out of my trance when he crouches down in front of me, gazing deep into my soul "Are you okay miss? You seem a little stressed"

I blushed hard with a small smile "Yes, I'm fine. Thank you. Here's your ball" He smiled the enchanting smile which gives me butterflies and sparks fireworks in my veins. "Thank you! I'll see you later?" He asked holding my hand. "Of course" And with that, he left with a wave. I looked down at my hand with the same smile and blush.

"What was that?" Hyunwoo asked, bouncing onto my shoulder out of nowhere. "Please don't tell me you saw all of that.." He grinned and ruffled my hair. "Of course I did! Even if you don't believe it, you two are meant for each other" I rolled my eyes "okay, Whatever. Can you get off of me now?" I smiled at my bestie. Even tho he is annoying, He's my only true friend and I love him for that but he could be a little pathetic sometimes. "Haha! Nope" Yeah.. Like that.

✨Third person POV ✨

After hanging out with Hyunwoo and telling him about your Tutoring session this evening, He shooed you away because it was already time for you to go. You bade farewell to him and left for the library. You waited there for your tutor to arrive. You decided to kill some time by reading one of your favorite novels/comics B/n given the fact that you were the only one in the library.

🧡Hunter's POV🧡

I changed my clothes and fixed my hair a bit before heading to the Library. I don't know who I'm Tutoring, Mr. Min was in a hurry so he didn't really do a good job in explaining the situation of the student who needs my guidance. Regardless, I entered the library, surprised to see it completely empty. Not even the Librarian was there. I walked further and saw the girl from earlier struggling to reach the higher shelf. I went behind her and grabbed the book she wanted and handed it to her. "That's a good one!" I complimented and she blushed 'god she's so cute'

"Are you the one who needs tutoring?" I asked her softly, hoping she'd be a little less shy. "Yeah, I'm Y/n" She held out her hand. I shook it with a smile "Hunter" She took me to the table where she kept her stuff and got to work right away. "There's an easier way to solve the quadratic equation. Here" She listened to me carefully and tried it herself. "That's right! You're a fast learner" She smiled and blushed 'gosh that smile' We continued doing the sums and I helped on the harder ones but for the most, she did great herself. After a while, I checked the time and it was 8 already. "I think that's enough for today, we should head home now" I said, holding her hand to get her attention. "O-okay, thanks for today" She said, lacing her fingers in mine leaving me shocked and making the butterflies in my chest go wild. I nodded and waved before taking my stuff and leaving.

I walked out with a mad smile on my face. "Mind to explain Mister?" A familiar voice called out from behind me. "Hyunwoo?!" Shit, I forgot about our sleepover tonight. "You were supposed to pick up Sumin, Yujun and Minjae about an hour ago! And you're wandering here with a lovey dovey smile, what's the matter dude?" He asked, bumping my shoulder. "Oh, Mr. Min Assigned me to tutor this really cute girl! Her name is Y/n and-" He cut me off right there. "And she's a junior struggling with math" That caught me off guard. "Yeah, How do you know?" I asked with a dumbfounded look. "She's my best friend that I always talk about! I've been meaning to introduce her to you but not like this" He said scratching his head. "Well, what's done is done, let's go pick up The others" I said walking ahead but he grabed me by my sleeve "and you expect me to let go of the fact that you think my bestie is cute?" From there on, I knew this would be a never ending saga of teasing in our squad....

🌛☄️✨🌿 Timeskip 🌿✨☄️🌛

💜 Y/n's POV💜

It's been two whole months of Hunter tutoring me and to be honest, I never felt so safe with anyone else. Not even Hyunwoo could care so much of me. He introduced me to the rest of his friends and let me join in on their fun time. I'm grateful and finally feel loved and wanted but the thing that worries me is the finals starting tomorrow. I am at Hunter's place studying hard. "Y/n.. Take a break, you've been studying for 7 hours straight since you arrived here" He said sitting next to me on his bed. Me being my stubborn self, I shook my head "And what if I fail tomorrow? I can't risk my score this year! Mr. Min has faith in me! Hyunwoo is looking forward to it too! And besides, I can't let you down..." I said, finally turning to face him. "You'll never let me down, unless you keep straining yourself like this! Please rest? For me?"

He said holding my cheek to stop me from looking away. He never failed to make me blush. "Okay, fine" I said, closing my eyes and smiling. I then listened to some music with him and got back to studying after an hour. He got take out for us, we ate and got ready for bed. When I got out of the bathroom after getting changed, I saw him lying on the bed already and holding his arms out for me. I snuggled up close to him. These kind of physical contacts had become very common in our friendship so it wasn't awkward. "Have a good sleep princess, I love you.. " To my dismay, I didn't hear his last sentence before I fell into a deep slumber, feeling safe and secure in his arms.

When I woke up in the morning, I didn't find him beside me on the bed. I went downstairs to see him making something in the Kitchen. I ruffled the bird's nest on my head and I went upto him. "Good morning princess" He turned around and pinched my nose. "Slept well?" I nodded and smiled, leaning against the counter. After having breakfast with him, he dropped me off at the exam hall. "I'm nervous" I turned to look at him. "Hello nervous, I'm Hunter" He laughed at me and I hit his arm slightly. "Okay, in all seriousness, I'm sure you'll be fine!" He said and ruffled my hair. "Alright, if you say so, I should get going now" I said after I fixed my hair and checked the time. "Okay, All the best love!" He said and gave me a handshake and a hwaiting sign before we both parted ways.

🌺🌺The day of the result🌺🌺

"Y/n-yah will you stop jumping around so much? The seatbelt might break!" Hyunwoo joked. "How can you expect me to calm down when my report card is literally here in my very god damned hands?!" I yelled in a limited voice. "Well, first of all, mind your language and second of all, you'll be fine!!" He shot back. "And besides, we're here already" After he pulled up at Sumin's porch, the guys came running out, asking about my results. "Guys, she hasn't seen it yet!" Hyunwoo shouted. "Okay, then how about we go inside and let her calm down for a bit first?" Just as Minjae said that, we got inside and sat down. "Kay, just rip it off like a band-aid on the count of three!" Yujun said.

"1"

"2"

"3"

I shut my eyes and opened the card and all of a sudden, the boys erupted into screams and cheers. I took a peek at my results... Only to see PERFECT SCORES IN EVERY SUBJECT INCLUDING MATH! I jumped up and leaped into Hunter arms.

"You did it!"

"I did it!"

Hyunwoo smirked, watching the scene unfold. "We'll give you guys some space" Minjae said and dragged out the rest of them. "Hunter, I want to tell you something" He nodded in a sign for me to continue. "Hunter, for the past two months, you've helped me a lot to get through my studies and my life. You made every moment feel better, safer and... Special. Without you, I wouldn't be where I've gotten today and I'm very grateful. From the moment I first saw you, I felt attached, safe and loved. I don't know if the nicknames that you call me are a joke or if they mean something, but I've always loved them. What I'm trying to say is...I love you. A lot. And it's totally okay if you don't feel the same, I-"

I felt warm lips press against mine. It all happened so quick that I couldn't process anything. I didn't even know if I was living in the reality.

"Y/n" He lifted my head by my cheek to make me look at him. "I love you too, that's why I've hunt your heart"

[ookaookaooka]

i think ive talked about my urge to be useful on here before, and now i think i've found the antidote to it.

basically, and this happens with virtually every problem i hear about, my ADHD combines with my need to have a place in the community and becomes this fantasy where i go "if only i drop everything and dedicate my life to solving [x problem], i will find purpose in my life and make the world a better place." that's all fine and dandy until this happens over and over and over and i wind up with a million dropped projects and a sense of failure. the problem here isnt the number of projects, it's the fact that i will volunteer for anything i think i could feasibly do, even if i'm already stretched thin, and even if i'm not the best person for the job. union needs organizing? i can do it! community center looking for people to teach computer literacy to seniors? i volunteer! state ferries looking for boiler techs? i'll drop everything and learn that trade! my state legislators are dragging their feet on implementing higher minimum wage? i can be a lobbyist!

but union organizing sucks and i left that job 2 years ago anyways. i don't know enough about computers to teach anyone about them. i have no interest in engineering, nor do i have aptitude. i can't read legalese and arguing about politics makes me cry. if i dedicated my life to any of these things i would be miserable! none of Real Life Lindsey's actual likes and dislikes apply to Fantasy Lindsey. Fantasy Lindsey's always ready to mold themself around any cause that comes their way. but i've come to discover that i can't just become passionate about whatever cause i throw myself at, i have likes and dislikes that i can't control. if i try and mold myself around a cause that i don't actually like, i will *always* be left with a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction. i like my job a lot, i like my apartment and i like where i live! but it's not where i feel called to be. i thought that stability and a good paycheck would make up for it not being something i'm passionate about, and it did for a while, but this isn't what i want to be doing.

anyways, long story short. whenever i catch myself putting myself in the shoes of The One Person Who Can Solve The Thing, i ask myself: will this make me happy? and if the answer is yes, then i can move forward with it. but if the answer is no, and it usually is, i drop all notions of actually doing it.

[kohakhearts]

when people first meet me and inquire about my studies im generally hit with two different responses, being 1) “wow, that’s an unusual combination”/“you don’t see that often”/etc. and 2) “you must be SO smart!” (or its evil twin, “you must hate yourself ha-ha”), and while the first is obviously a better response than the second, both are kinda…awkward to react to.

like? IS it an unusual combination of interests, or is it actually that most institutions make it exceptionally difficult for people to pursue stem and arts concurrently? and that we don’t often talk about the heavy crossover between stem and the arts because we’re so culturally obsessed with this notion that the world is split into Art People and Science People (also known as English People and Math People)?

and how would my interest in a science make me any smarter than someone in my program who chose to pursue a minor in history instead of physics? also, NO, i don’t hate myself. obviously taking stem classes after spending years believing im “not a math person” has lowered my gpa, but that’s not really something i care about, because at the end of the day i find the subject endlessly fascinating and i enjoy my classes very much, and i get better at math every semester because i have no choice. because it’s just…a method of communication. it’s a language. you practice, you improve - but you have to be consistent and intentional about it. the same way you have to be consistent and intentional about analyzing fictional texts and historical documents.

which is to say that like. you are using the same skills. i tutored a high school student last year who looked at me like i was crazy for saying that close reading a short story is functionally the same as solving an algebra problem. you collect like terms. then you compare and contrast them to make a statement about them - it’s human nature to seek refuge in what is familiar even if it is simultaneously traumatic, or x = 2 and y = -2. you can chart it, you can graph it, you can draw it. listen, isn’t there something so inherently beautiful about the word integral? it’s something intrinsic, baked into a person or a thing - the fundamental values formed within you by tiny, infinitesimal pieces: moments, experiences - they coalesce into something completely different, but still. you can go back. you can find the pieces. define them, pick them apart, put them together again in new ways. expand them, contract them, equate them to something else just to understand them.

half the study of mathematics is called analysis, for god’s sake. what is the study of art if not analysis? is it not the goal of the artist, the writer, to make sense of our place in the world? and is this not what we do in physics, too? look at the world and try to find reason in it? as the poet spends their life trying to make the intangible tangible, the particle physicist attempts to study dark matter. when we form a sentence, we utilize a complex system of equations that are so second-nature to us we don’t even register that’s what we’re doing - but there’s a reason this branch of linguistics is called syntactic calculus.

like…believe me. if you told my teenage self i’d be taking calculus-based courses in university, i wouldn’t have believed it. i teach high school students now who tell me they know they aren’t good at english, but it doesn’t matter to them because they do so well in math. and i get it. i do. but it’s disappointing, too, because i think my knowledge of math has made me a better reader and writer. and it feels like most people are missing out on that connection, because they feel like it’s impossible to make. but any experimentalist can tell you there’s an art to the scientific process. any musician or poet can tell you that great art is dictated by numbers - rhythm, rhyme and metre, all of it. the only group of people as interested in conceptual symmetry as physicists are artists.

anyway, all i’m saying is like - one is not more essential than the other, these things are inextricably linked, these things are as fundamental to human existence as breathing. there’s a reason why astronomers defer to shakespeare to name newly discovered bodies in space, you know? we've all gotta learn to love the math in our art and the artistry behind math.

[elfhunk]

hi! i just wanted to say that all of your stuff on exercise and having a good relationship with your body has been really nice to read on my dash.

i've been trying on and off for the last few years to get myself back into a consistent exercise routine that i enjoy (COVID happened, stuff in my life happened, etc.) and i think that both your perspectives + obvious love of the gym are really helpful as motivation.

if i can ask a question: do you have any advice on developing a consistent, realistic schedule and sticking to it? (of course, while still being okay if things come up and change what you can do.) for me, i think one of the reasons i fell out of my routine is that my work/social/life obligations have changed a lot in the past few years. so i've been struggling to figure out where to slot in time for exercise when it feels like there's always something else i could or "should" be doing.

also, thanks for all the fun warframe stuff! i haven't played in ages because of the aforementioned obligation time crunch, but it's also really cool to see what you're doing in the game. my playstyle and preferred warframes were pretty opposite to yours, so i really had no clue that you could do a lot of the things you've shown off.

thank you! i'm glad it's having the desired impression on the other side. i used to think posting about it or deigning to enjoy brief moments of self-indulgent flexing was gauche when i've only put in the bare minimum of effort since i started lifting in 2020... but... uh...

when we only see images of people who have been kissed by perfectly specialized genetics and have dedicated a huge amount of their time, money and resources to it and have these immaculate perfectly proportioned bodies?

that only makes the body dysmorphia madness worse for all of us? especially when so many of those images aren't given context... or disclosing who is and isn't using certain drugs. 🫠

anyway, my handy tool in all of this is a thing i picked up as a habit from sexologist and all around wonderful woman dr. lindsey doe a long, long time ago:

a want, will, won't list.

although in this instance of teaching it was being used to discuss sexual activity, it's how i end up thinking about basically any major decision or lifestyle change.

time just is not infinite! you cannot do it all! there is going to be compromise!

these kinds of tools are a great way to help your brain organize your conflicting thoughts and set boundaries for yourself.

so, i don't know your brain or what accommodations you need, but i hope this framework might help you start figuring it out?

how many hours, total, do you want to spend a week?

how much time on strength training?

how much time on cardio?

how many individual days a week?

what are you willing to change about your existing schedule?

what won't you change under any circumstances?

would you be willing to buy some home equipment?

pay for a different gym that's closer by?

would you want to take a class or pay for a trainer?

do you have friends who would want to pursue this with you?

there's a ton of resources published by actual personal trainers on how to structure a full body workout into a given week for people with every possible permutation of schedule availability if you look for them.

as mentioned before, i've actually been having a horrible time at the gym this year. my appetite is shot, my energy is gone, and i've just been unable to prioritize it. part of my own journey with this has been acknowledging where there's necessary compromise. i've had to spend more time working on my brain than my body this year, and that's okay.

i can show myself kindness while still trying to problem solve. i can make cooking meals easier, i can budget for more accessible options, i can go maybe 2-3 days a week instead of 3-4 like i used to.

to facilitate this, i've also been trying to focus even more on the immediate benefits of this work.

focusing on minor aesthetic differences you won't see payoff for months or years just isn't particularly motivating?

but when i've had a long day and i just desperately need an hour or two to focus on something physically demanding that requires my full attention? where i get to walk away feeling physically exhilarated and accomplished, even if i was no where near my PR?

that's self care, baby! we all understand how important that is!

your body is truly just too stupid to care about the long term goals. it will just feel really good, and much better than it did an hour before even if the actual performance of that session was mediocre.

apologies for another full essay a response!

again, i truly just don't know your life or your circumstances, so i can only provide broad strokes... but i hope this at least gives some scaffolding to begin tackling the issue with some kindness to yourself as you re-calibrate.

[bassettmemes]

GIRL MEETS THE ASK MEME ↳ quotes from the disney channel show girl meets world.

"it only makes sense to me when I can get in trouble for it."

"we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."

"we're here to make somebody else happy."

"i think life puts people in front of us, so that we can be prepared for what happens next."

"hope looks great on you."

"don’t let your history be one of missed opportunities."

"if something that’s important to us today is so easily replaced by something else tomorrow, we have to wonder if it ever really had any value at all."

"it seems to me this isn’t a distraction at all. it’s a lifestyle."

"i’m not in control of anything. that’s what makes life so easy for me. when you think about it, nothing’s really my fault yet."

"as much as we think we show everybody who we are when we’re completely in charge of what happens, we find out who we really are when we’re not."

"the truith is, when you try to control life, life does its best to teach you not to."

"it's not intruding if you really want to hear."

"the best thing about being alive is to feel part of something."

"it’s funny about these things we hold on to and how life lets us know when it’s time to let it go."

"we have this one little life and for a lot of it, we just blow around in the wind. but if we’re lucky and we believe that life knows what’s best for us, sometimes we land on the right someone to talk to."

"the lives we’ve led until now have made us both wonder if life knows what it’s doing with us at all."

"learn from pompeii. as you live next to each other, understand that every once in a while, things explode."

"i have faith that in a new place you can learn from the people who have already been there."

"change fills my pockets with pennies of uncertainty."

"the truth is, people get comfortable with what’s familiar and when you get too comfortable, you don’t allow yourself room to grow."

"the worst thing you can do is fold your arms and refuse to accept what’s gonna come anyway."

"when you know you’re not good for people, you start not showing up, and then you don’t show up enough times, and it begins to feel like leaving until you do."

"only you get to decide when you quit."

"you had to take it out on somebody, i’m glad you felt safe enough to take it out on me."

"everyone has great gifts, and everyone has the potential to impact our world."

"don’t live under a label, it just gets in the way of who you are."

"what I think of myself is that it really bothers me what other people think of me."

"when you become someone else, even though you’re just acting, it’s impossible not to discover something you didn’t know before."

"when you have strong emotions for someone, it’s like you’re too close to see straight."

"maybe if you don’t hope for too much, but let yourself hope for one thing, it might actually happen."

"it’s not the big gestures that we do for other people that help us grow up, but the small choices you make for yourself."

"friends talk to each other, but real friends listen."

"being what other people want you to be is just a sword hanging over your head."

"i am a continuation. that's what history is about."

"ladies and gentlemen, i have achieved time travel!"

"being good at sports is just a matter of physics."

"don't you mess up america's most favorite thing with america's least favorite thing!"

"not everyone lives for theories and numbers."

"that's right, i lied right in yo face!"

"oh, yeah, we don't have walls... i told you we needed walls!"

[dedahblog]

Personal Retrospective on the final chapter mess and the never ending feeling of frustration

I just wanted to write how I found closure with all this mess. Even though it's adressed to IR fans, this post is mosty anti bleach ending coded. It's not an ichiruki meta.

Warning long post

I guess in order to follow my train of thoughts, I'll have to establish first that I'm certain that Kubo was lying about this being his intended ending. My proof is simply comparing both endings Bleach and his previous manga Zombie Powder.

Why is he lying ? Two reasons. First, he's still on contract with his bosses. Second, he's too proud, he would rather have us hate him than take pity for him.

If you're not convinced, I guess you'll waste your time reading my post because it's based on that general idea.

It's so easy to rant about the ending to the point that it becomes ridiculous

"Ichigo and Rukia are important to each other, but not as important as Orhime and Reji are to them ! They are the love of their life !!"

Meanwhile, during the arc that officialized those pairings, Ichigo doesn't consider the abduction of the said love of his life a moment where he felt despair ( not #1 place not #2 place not even in "the bunch of other moments from there to there" place )

and Rukia doesn't recall one single happy memory with the said love of her life whom she had known for +100 years. ( She had only one significant moment with Orhime where the latter expressed her vulnerability to her and by that scene alone, Orihme out-bested that jobber and people are comparing that shit pairing to ichiruki let's see at first if it can out pass rukihhime then we will talk)

"Ichiruki fans are so toxic. The reason Ichigo and Rukia's feeling aren't as explicit as Reji's and Orhime's is because Bleach is not a shojo !! Kubo was also short in time he couldn't solve all those plot holes, let alone romance. Anyway, he doesn't know how to write romance to begin with. It's not like he can sum up the feeling of love and devotion in like two panels"

Meanwhile Kubo :

If you're interested, here is my favorite anti ending meta o n e / t w o

Anyway, what I mean, you can state 1000 problems with this ending, and it's still never enough to the point that I asked myself : what am I really trying to prove ?

Do I have to prove that ending was intentionally bad ?

No. All the Bleach fans who had at least one brain cell either cried, got frustrated or tried to smash their computer/smart phone when reading the last chapter. You don't have to be Einstein to understand that even when a writer was short on time even if he was crawling himself because of his sickness, there are million alternative ways to end a manga than this panel.

If people can't comprehend the malice and the utter disrespect towards fans to end a 15 year running manga with this expression, then they should be go back to elementary school to learn basic comprehension skills

The point is, all the sane bleach fans ( yeah I’m shading myself) left this fandom months afterwards because they felt insulted and alienated by this end and swore to never speak about this manga again. They're a vast majority but they don't want to talk about it on social media. Why ? because why bother ? Even if they complain, what's going to change? Who are they trying to convince ? The only one whose opinion is crucial is Kubo and he showed them by that panel how blatantly he was aware he was writing cr0ap. So what’s the point anyway ?

Do I have to teach the new IR fans that they shouldn't accept this end easily and they have every reason to love ichiruki ?

No, simply because I'm not a preacher. Whether they accept it or not, it won't change my feelings for IR.

Do I have teach the new readers to not let the official end influence their reading experience ?

Well, putting my self in their shoes, it’s hard to fathom that a writer could do scorched earth policy on his life achievement out of pettiness. It's obvious for some of us since we have known him for years, read every one of his controversial statements. However, it will be miracle to convince new readers. Moreover, I can't understand how can people choose to read a 696 chapter manga that has no story resolution ...like...have some ... self-love ? 

(the +10 chapters are Turn Back the Pendulum arc btw)

Do I have to paint myself as the good and wise Ichiruki fan in front of people who "don't like ichiruki because of the shippers" ?

This is the most ridiculous argument to hate a pairing. Just say you don't dare to go against the wave and get out. As far as I'm concerned, the essence of shipping has always been egocentric people self inserting themselves in a fictional character and imposing feelings on them based on one’s mindset and reading comprehension. Whatever is the pairing, shipping fandom will never not be unhinged.

As a matter of fact, when I realized that ichiruki might be one of the aspects that interests to me the most in Bleach, I read some IR vs IH forums and I was disgusted by the offensive language from both sides : people insulting each other over lines on papers was beyond me.

However, I didn't think ill of the pairing itself because no one understands it better than Kubo. So all I did was re-reading their scenes comparing them to other relationships and Kawaichappy was a true blessing. She / he made me love Ichiruki more that I could ever imagine.

I refuse to be a pawn in this viscous circle that Kubo set us to. I think the best solution to cut this chain is not forgiving him or feeling pity for him but to stop holding a grudge against him (even though you have every right to) and just let it go. That's why, I chose to see the good side of things.

1)

When Bleach was getting cancelled, Kubo could have saved his ass by making ichiruki p0rk and throwing an IR baby at us. While the majority of fans won’t be happy with the plot holes like it's the case with the official end, a good portion could derive some satisfaction for this sort of conclusion thanks to Ichigo and Rukia's undeniable chemistry.

Moreover, more than half of merchandise were ichiruki coded at that time and even now btw . But he didn't do that, and for that reason alone, he has my respect and I never spoke ill of him. As far as I'm concerned, if he did make IR p0rk, I won't even send him "death threats", I will fly to Japan, strangle him and honeslty will never speak about IR or bleach ever again.

2)

The second reason why I don’t hold any grudge towards him is thanks to this

You guys can’t even understand how much this page made me happy.

As you know, the "All Stars" double page is drawn at the beginning of every volume and the pictures used above the name of the main characters of every volume are obviously panels featured in the same volume.

However, volume 74 was the exception. Orhime and Rukia's panels are not in this book. Oihime's innocent smile is from volume 73 and Rukia's defiant look from volume 59 (chapter 628) !!!

This can’t not be unintentional.

It basically means that Rukia and Orhime were not featured in this volume. The characters posing as them in volume 74 are imposters.

This is so ridiculously funny. Every time, I read 'xx married xxx', I respond smugly " you sure about that ? based on your precious final canon volume, the last time we saw Rukia is in volume 59 and Orhime in 73."

He's basically saying :" this is Rukia Kuchiki the brave and fierce woman you have always loved, don't let that cheap representation fools you. "

And " This is Orhime Inoue the innocent girl you knew all along, who is selfishly ignoring she is basically in a battlefield, beaming from happiness like a child because she is yearning from all her heart to feel loved and validated. Don't let that cheap representation fools you"

Honestly, Kubo didn't need to do that. The fact that he still cared about my favorite character Rukia to the point of explicitly dissociating her along with Orhime from this mess still makes me so happy to this day.

I love Ichiruki but I like Orhime more than Ichigo. So Kubo not bothering with Ichigo doesn't annoy me one bit. It's rather hilarious

3)

The third and final reason is the final volume cover, I made a meta about it years ago

IR fam, some of you may think you got the shortest end of the stick with this ending. But, believe me you have the greatest advantage of all. :

you don't have to associate yourself with anything about that ending.

You don't have to associate yourself with this :

The execution place that represents Soul Society corruption and rotten system became more menacing than it ever was

but you will always be linked to Ichigo being the hero who will" pass even through 100 billion blades" to save Rukia unshamedly defying million years of corruption.

You don't have to associate yourself with a pairing where the girl has known the guy for 100 years and he has never made her happy one micro second for all those years.

And you certainly don't have to associate yourself with a pairing that got canon in the same page as this abomination was written

and whose child is undoubtedly getting molested by his aunt probably explains why he's a creep btw

People doesn't even realize how insulting it is for Bleach that Yuzu, out of all the characters, was represented this way in the final conclusion

In the first chapter, Ichigo was hesitant to let Rukia stab him with her sword. He was scared shitless even though his family were literaly half dead and Rukia was injured because of him ... yep your hero ladies and gentlemen. It was Yuzu's bravery, selflessness and love for her brother that made him accept this life changing decision.

When the guy didn't have the courage to be the main character and to start off the manga in the first place but it was his little sisters' bravery that inspired him to take the first step then it was Rukia's ethics in the second chapter that shaped his idea of how an ideal hero should be.

Don't you love it when Bleach was supporting women supremacy ?

... Good old days indeed.

The second reason why you shouldn't feel petty about your otp not being canon in this fake ending is you know who should be frustated ? Kubo. 

He may act tough, shitposting himself and pulling cr*p from there to there but you can't convince me that seeing his manga torn and burned, getting insults from everywhere (even though he deserves it) didn't have any effect on him.

Obviously, we felt alienated reading the last chapter but imagine the guy who created those characters that had been living in his mind for 15 years, imagine feeling alienated by what you had created.

I remember reading somewhere that during Fade to Black writting process, he sat in a corner, was frustrated with himself because he couldn't figure out what kind of name Rukia would think is suitable for those siblings. He was determined to dive into Rukia's character and find out what kind of name SHE would like. He cared so much about staying true to her character.

Sure he was frustrated, angry at everyone. Sure he wanted to burn everything down before getting cancelled. But you can't convince me that the love he once had for his life achievement vanished completly

You can't convince me that he didn't hope that things were concluded in better circumstances.

In a way, you may feel sad for IR not having a decent closure. But bear in mind, no one is more petty than Kubo and his constant self sabotage since 2016 is the proof.

Final conclusion, ichiruki is one of the best fictional pairing ever written and it deserved the best and obviously not to be linked to that ending.

We have always been fans of the love, whether platonic or romantic, that Rukia and Ichigo have for each other. The love they shared together that made them have the desire to love themselves and the courage to hope.

I guess the best tribute for this kind of relationship is to express our love for them how much they meant to us and not to succumb to negativity

Because negativity is only reserved to the man who doomed his life achievement.

[yournewfriendshouse]

discussion with my psych yesterday about anxiety

he acknowledged that my anxiety has become sensitised much like fibro and chronic fatigue was and we talked about how weird the body was because it literally was indeed giving me highly sensitised anxiety symptoms for eating chilli—and I’ve been able to bring that down with exposure

but I needed a tool to help with when things are really bad like last week when there was an actual tiger (homelessness and having to move a house full of stuff in two months with cfs) looming over me and I was completely non functional and not abke to sleep

so he said the first thing to try is instead of pushing the panicked ‘tiger!!!!’ thoughts away (because I needed to sleep so that I could deal with them tomorrow) to hold onto them

just try to like pull them in and choke them out and keep them close. he said that your brain isn’t inclined to do that but as the thought slips through your brain that’s less inclined to linger. so we’ll see. he daid it takes practice and you’re training your brain so it won’t be like instantanouslybrsducing anxiety but it should teach your brain not to think anxiety is poisonous and make your body literally respond to that with physical symptoms

the other thing was that I kept saying ‘I’ll attack the problem tomorrow’ and trying to push away my thoughts every time my brain wanted to solve the issue and instead I should turn on the light and grab a pen and paper and write down the problem and everything I can think of that I can do in the moment, and then when I’ve run out I’ll have a higher chance to get to sleep. that one I should have realised myself because a lot of those sleepless nights are because my brain is a problem solver’s brain with existential issues and I often can’t get to sleep till I finish a story or solve the problem that it’s decided to latch onto and keep turning over

anyway hopefully I’ll be able to find this post again lmao

anyway what do you do when there is a tiger in the room with you? you hug the tiger aparently

[thegreatimpersonator]

I just read a vice article on how students have started using AI to write homework and essays for them to cut down on the time it takes to finish tasks like that (from 2 hours to 20mins), and the comment section (on reddit) was filled with people trying to solve the problem with a lot of bad points lmaooo but I gotta talk about it

I love seeing how humans can find loopholes no matter how strict a system might be and then relying on those loopholes to make life easier or simpler because that's how it should be. If teachers are giving assignments that are easy for an AI to complete and students have realized that, then they're not doing their jobs well, and I'm speaking as someone with a teaching degree that used to work in the field. Instead of giving students pages worth of writing assignments, ask them verbal questions they have to think about just as much as the writing assignments and have them answer verbally. And anyone with social anxiety that's not comfortable with that kind of assessment can simply take an open book exam with questions that they wouldn't be able to answer well without knowing the subject material in depth. Just to clarify, this is about students further into education, I'm not talking about freshmen, they have to learn the core of what it takes to write papers and make good arguments first to be able to handle the same thing in the future just in a modified way. This way, not only will teacher be able to check the knowledge of the students, but they can also avoid the whole plagiarism issue that writing has a lot of and it's tough to get around. And cut down on assignments and the time it takes to finish them. The best professor I had by far was able to teach the lessons in class so well, that just by paying attention and taking notes here and there, you'd be able to pass the exams with no studying whatsoever, and it was open book exams like I mentioned before. She was incredible and truly passionate about getting students to truly learn but she did give out a ton of homework for extra credit and stuff which a lot of people just didn't do and didn't like her for, because of the workload and because it was an elective class that didn't really weigh in on whether you graduate or not as long as you pass. It was her teaching that actually helped me most while I was working as a teacher myself to help my students better understand the subject matter in a way that works for them (she taught different methodologies for teaching and assessment, different types of IQ and how best to engage students with each type, classroom management, etc)and all of it worked so well that over 90% if my students had high marks and my subject was their favorite because of her teaching methods because they work perfectly for pretty much anyone. I wish for everyone to have at least one teacher in life like her. Anyway, back to the main point, any thoughts on how to work around AI and assignments to check students' knowledge that I may have overlooked? Thanks!

You made some very good points! As an undergrad right now, I personally like written assignments the most because they give me an opportunity to explore the topic in detail (as opposed to, say a group presentation that will mainly test your patience lmao) and a lot of my friends have tried out AI to work on their assignments but it just. doesn't work every time? I mean you'll get a few paragraphs that meet your word limit, sure, but you'd be able to tell on the first read itself that this assignment was not an individual effort ykwim? At least that's what I've seen so far, but what one of our profs does is they ask us questions based on our submitted papers two days after the deadline, just to see if we actually knew what we were writing or simply paraphrased a wikipedia article lol

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Forging Ties - Chapter 34 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Duran had been so desperate to run away before they'd left on the trip but walking on this beach, seeing the serene smile on Fanner's face and the way the wind caught his hair and made it sparkle in the sunshine, watching the confidence with which Danya took each step like he no longer had someone always watching and telling him he was doing it wrong, the way he spoke now like he wasn't worried about whether his every word was the right one... these things were worth coming back to.

"So, what's next for you now?" Danya asked as they walked.

"Oh, fuck knows," Duran said. "I guess if you're bringing a bunch of mages into the area who are fresh out of slavery, I'll just be one of them and it'll be someone else's problem to figure out what to do with me. I am educated but I don't have a whole lot of practical life skills."

"I was thinking..." Fanner said and then hesitated.

"Hmm?" Duran prompted.

"Well, I do healing now, as you know."

"I definitely can't do that."

"No, I know. But I'm still... well, Yore's been helping me with it. Organising appointments and trying to keep people from being too pushy with me, things like that. He's a busy man, though. I know he'll always make my needs a priority but he just doesn't have as much time as those things need and I don't want him exhausting himself trying to be everything for everyone. So... maybe you could help with that? You're more organised than I am, so I'm sure you could manage appointments and you're much more assertive."

"Hmm," Duran said. "You know, I wouldn't mind that. It sounds great, actually. I'll be honest, I wasn't really that excited about being just another face in a throng of ex-slaves. You know us Companions. We like to be special."

"You are special, Duran," Danya insisted.

"Okay, back off on the sincerity before I throw up," Duran said with a roll of his eyes. "Anyway, job. Yeah, sounds good. Thank you."

"No, of course," Fanner said. "It solves my problem nicely as well. There are so many nice people here but for this job, I need someone who I know I can trust. No matter how kind people are, that's still difficult for me."

"Well, it sort of has to be, doesn't it? People can be nice all day but what you can do really tests how far that goes."

"Yes," Fanner all but shouted, then shrunk his shoulders down when he realised how loud he'd been. "Yes. Yore understands because he's amazing but some people can be dismissive when they're trying to be reassuring. I want to be safe, to be protected and I don't think it's accurate to say that there's nothing I need to be protected from. Not everyone is good."

"Nobody's pure good," Duran said. "I'll get Hamish to teach me some self defence. I'm sure he won't say no to an excuse to grapple with me."

"I don't really expect you to fight anyone," Fanner said. "Just... help me with boundaries. I can do it for myself, sort of but it makes me so anxious and tired. I just can't do it all by myself."

"And you don't have to," Danya reminded him. "I know Duran will do an amazing job but don't forget that you have so many other people who have your back if there's ever anything you need more help with."

"I know, it's just... hard to wrap my head around," Fanner said. "Suddenly being cared about."

"It's not sudden at all, baby boy," Duran said as he slung an arm around Fanner's shoulders. "I always cared. I couldn't do anything to actually help you but I did care."

"So did I," Danya said. "But things were different then. I understand. Anyway, Duran, what's this about Hamish being happy to grapple with you? Did you manage to get into his pants?"

Duran grinned as he dropped his arm back down to his side.

"Yeah but to his credit, it took over a day and I'm extremely attractive."

Danya let out a deep sigh.

"I just hope that's actually what's best for you."

Duran made a face.

"I hate that. What's best for me, like eating all my vegetables. I don't know what's best for me but I know I'm more than ready to start living my own life. I know I want to have sex but that the thought of a monogamous relationship makes me feel suffocated. Is fooling around with Hamish and whoever else catches my eye what's best for me? I don't know but I do know that I'm living my life on my own terms and that feels incredible."

"I think that's all that matters or... or at least it's the most important thing," Fanner said as he bent down to pick up a shell.

He had a small collection of them in his pocket.

"That's what I'm starting to realise. I had all these ideas about what I should do or should be and maybe it's true that I should learn to be more assertive instead of relying on other people and a million other things like that but I'm already doing enough. I'm allowed to not be perfect. I'm allowed to not always do the best thing or to rely on other people for some things.."

"You're both right," Danya said. "I'm just being overprotective. I've made plenty of my own mistakes along the way but I think I need to accept that mistakes are inevitable. Sometimes they're even good and necessary. Simon taught me that one. That sometimes, when the situation is safe, it's better to sit back and let Jas make his own mistakes than to step in and stop him every time. That it's okay. That we learn better from our own experiences."

"Exactly," Duran said. "And honestly, I just don't feel like I need to worry about it that much. If I have some sex that ends up not being what I was hoping for, well, so what? I guarantee I've had a million times worse. I'm not going to be stupid and dive into something I know I'm not comfortable with but I'm not going to treat myself like I'm delicate and I don't want anyone else to, either."

"Just be careful, okay?" Danya said. "I know you've been through a lot but it's time to heal now. Make sure you're taking care of yourself."

"I promise I am. Ask Hamish. I know how to set my own boundaries. I know you're worried about me and I understand why but I know what I'm doing."

Duran spotted a particularly attractive speckled peach coloured shell, picked it up and handed it to Fanner.

He wasn't sure what Fanner wanted them for, but they seemed to make him happy.

"You should probably save your worry for Hamish, to be honest. That man has a fetish for death."

"If I started worrying about Hamish's sexual proclivities, I'd never stop," Danya said.

"Just, you know. I love you. We love you. You know that, right?"

"I've never doubted it, Danya and the feeling is mutual."

[cynicalfairytale4]

SOME SONG LYRICS THAT ARE TOO CLOSE TO MY HEART<3 (Pt.1)

"And loving is hard. It don't always work. You just try your best not to get hurt. I used to be mad but now I know, sometimes it's better to let someone go." -Older by Sasha Alex Sloan.

"These images they sell, Maybe none of it is real and I could love the way I feel." -Pretty's on the inside by Chloe Adams.

"Do you ever get a little bit tired of life? Like you're not really happy, but you don't wanna die. Like a numb little bug that's gotta survive. That's gotta survive." -Numb little bug by Em Beihold.

"Nothing's forever. Nothing's as good as it seems." -Hope ur ok by Olivia Rodrigo.

"All the numbers in my mind are set out to ruin my life, I don't wanna let them win but they just might. And I know this is a problem that I'm improperly solving." -Math by Sara Kays.

"I guess I could say I've learned to live this way. But it's still hard to find- reasons to stay alive. Accepting I'm pointless isn't the hardest when it's so completely obvious. My questions are countless looking for answers , so far I'm clueless. Go back to sleep. I reach for me but I'm not there. It's so lonely but who cares? It's fine it's okay. I'll die anyway." -I'll die anyway by girl in red.

" Kids are still depressed when you dress them up. " -Sippy Cup by Melanie Martinez.

" Now she's terrified of growing older losing what's left of her youth. She'd reminisce about the sound of bliss before she knew the truth." - Ms. Protagonist by J. Maya.

" If I'm pretty, will you like me? They say beauty makes boys happy. I've been starving myself , carving skin until my bones are showing. Teach me how to be okay. I don't wanna downplay my emotions. They say beauty is vain, you'll only be happy if you look a certain way. " -Prom Queen by Beach Bunny.

"The prom queen looks real pretty but inside she hates her life. And the boy that starts on Varsity's dad doesn't treat him right. The quite girl that's in the corner has so much more to say, if only their minds weren't so damn opaque. She's the life of every party but she sits alone at lunch. Her reflection shows her ribcage but she thinks she weights too much.And they call each other best friends when it's a forbidden crush, one that their parents would never approve of. Isn't it sad the way it works that we think we're the only ones who hurt? So just breathe for a second. I know you're feeling so damn helpless. But before you do something reckless REMEMBER- magazines have editors and makeup does the devil's work. Don't cry cuz you're not her. She's staying up all night scars to cover.And everything seems fine when it's not yours but darling magazine have editors and everyone's a little hurt. " -Devil's Work by Andi.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't know... I get tired of talking so much. Get tired of dropping these asks when it's not like it does anything other than making more work for someone by giving them something long winded from me to read

I think I just kind of get tired cause like... so I spent like months making this door in minecraft. Had to teach myself redstone (which I hated, cause I hate learning cause I feel stupid and frustrated the whole time), cause I really wanted this door to be a thing

It's a really complex piston door, like I'm honestly not sure I've seen anyone build something like it (if I had I'd just have gone with their design and saved a lot of time). Massive thing, took 3 days for me to figure out the physical movement to make it work... and like 8 months to wire it

I'd post little updates on it, just kind of toss my thoughts out. Finally I actually get it done and done well. Like someone who knew redstone wiring could probably do better, but I don't know by how much

Zero people cared, not talking about the random strangers on her, like none of my friends cared either. I mean, I assume my friend I actually am playing on the server with cared but didn't know what to say. No one else showed even a little interest (and they like minecraft, so... it's not posting about something obscure)

Had thought about posting a video on this to some redstone reddit, could make that video at any second but like... don't want to deal with how no one's gonna see it

Don't even care about recognition or anything, I just haven't ever seen a diagonal seamless hidden staircase before, and I think that there might be ideas other people could iterate off of. It's the door getting used I care about, not me in this

Haven't even managed to build it in the world I custom made it for. I hollowed out an area on a back up, and I got it built and almost working, I think I know what the problem is, but the fix didn't totally solve it and... it's probably simple but I just couldn't take it anymore

Haven't worked on it in months, and I don't think a single person cares

Or like, just today, talking with my friend about an anime she started watching. Never feels like she really responds to any of the thoughts I'll share, usually trying to build off what she's saying. It's probably her ADHD, but like... I'm not a mind reader, so it hurts

Also kind of shared some personal stuff. Didn't expect her to get it, cause no one really seems to get it when I open up about it, but she didn't even notice

I don't know... no one really seems to notice when I speak... or maybe they do, maybe they're hanging on my every word, but I can't tell cause it's text and like... I can't see anyone's reaction

(This is why I'll sometimes say to someone "I'm enjoying listening, but I don't really have anything to add", just so they know I've seen what they said, that I like it, and that I'm happy to have them keep talking but don't have anything to contribute. That way they're not just met with silence)

I don't know... I'm just tired... people probably care, but they don't show it in ways that register for me, and so if feels like no one cares

I speak and there's just dead air, no one ends conversations, they just let them drop. Half of what I say doesn't get a response. Probably the healthiest friendship I have is with someone I'll send lewd drawings too, and while she doesn't respond as much as I'd like, at least she'll usually put like a blushing emoji or something to show she likes it

Actually also the only person who has really outright said that she likes me how I am. If we were closer it might start to be enough, but it's all just a bit too distant and like... that's just where things have settled and I'm cool with that

Probably should just skip over that bit but... whatever

I just wish people would respond, I just wish people kept me in the loop. I'd take "hey I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna zone out and go to bed" over just... nothing... ever

Anyway... sorry. I wish I knew a way to say this all more succinctly. I hate giving someone this many words to read. I feel like maybe if I said less people would be better able to respond. I get how things can just be too many words to deal with sometimes

Hope you have a nice day though

(Keep thinking I'd like to give you a break from these asks, then... they keep coming out anyway)

I'm a pretty rambly person myself, so don't worry about long asks!

I feel you on this. I have a really hard time conveying myself in a way that seems at all readable to others, and that's especially frustrating when I'm trying to share something I'm vulnerable or proud about. I actually once hired a tutor to help teach me to speak differently in the hopes it would improve my experience. It did a bit, but also made me unimaginably sad and feel very invisible.

It sounds like you're pretty extremely isolated physically too, which can make it hard to seek out new people in your life who are more compatible with you, as can how significantly your self esteem appears to have been wounded. It's hard to take the leaps of faith required to bond with new people if you can't see a reason for them to do the same.

You're always welcome to share cool things you're happy about here!

[062221]

10/08/22

I don’t know what this is teaching me. Maybe one day I’ll find out.

I was fisted by a guy who gradually added fingers every time I’d visited. I knew what I was getting myself into, I did it anyway. & now I’m bleeding.

I’m worried about a possible warrant for my arrest. I’ve been on a heist to say the least. I got drunk, drove my car and stole 80% of my long list. I proceeded to go to George’s house, using Thomai as a pawn- so that I could see his reaction when I lied and told her I had a sugar daddy. & now I’m even more humiliated with myself.

Heidi moved down here and all I can do is sit back and watch my two best friends fade away from me and into eachother. I often think about my mistakes and memories I’ve made with them and they were always responsible for me. Now I feel this inadequacy that I’ll never measure up. This living situation has me in constant panic and I often fantasize about moving to Miami to live with Jacqui. I could never afford it.

I quit my job at saikoi and I feel like I’ve lost all the trust and respect of the friends who put time into trying to get me hired. September was beautiful because I got to eat midnight sushi with good people and sing karaoke until my voice was hoarse and now I feel like I’ve let everyone down. They haven’t texted. Only vin sin, the nicest one of the group who I outed for telling people we went on a “date” at Miller’s. I’m a terrible friend to all of my friends.

I’m impulsively picking at my face everyday. My beard has become choppy from the ingrown hairs I’ve twisted and extracted again and again. I’m picking at any and all blemishes and leaving a constellation of dark spots and permanent scars on my face. I feel so ugly, my body is unhealthy, I’m on drugs now, because if it’s not adderall it’s a klonopin and the weed is never old, even when it is.

I’m trying to love myself because I don’t and I wish that I just would. I hate my voice, my body, my choices, my past, present and future. My problem is that I think running away will solve everything, and I still believe it. If I had a 1 way to fucking Taiwan I wouldn’t think twice. Not a grand to my name. Never a dollar in my pocket.

I think about how I was sad as a child. I’m still sad and I’m starting to believe that I’ll always be sad. So sad that when I look back, things weren’t that bad. They’ve just gotten progressively worse into my adulthood because I wasn’t taken care of properly. I was abused and now I abuse myself on a daily basis. I punish myself for my own behavior, mistakes and failures.

My mental illness is like a boom box in my head that won’t shut off. I don’t hear any voices or anything like that, I just feel like the volume is too high and I can’t control it. I’m always self sabotaging because of it. I cope healthy one day, and drink the next. I’m in a limbo. My life is in limbo.. just waiting for me to fall and end the game. I’ve never been this low and it seems like I’m sinking deeper and deeper.

If ever faced with DNR papers, I’d sign my life away today. I don’t see any light besides a small spark of a nursing degree in two years. A nursing degree that I would’ve finished by now if I wasn’t busy prioritizing a dying relationship to a man I started a life with here. Now he’s a stranger and he probably hates me and I shouldn’t care but I love him and above all, he is still my heaviest wound.

I should be grateful for what I do have. I feel so disconnected and I feel like I’ll never have a normal brain because I decided marijuana was my life at 13 years old. Here we are 12 foggy years later. Totally lost. Suicidal, selfish and ungrateful.

I’ve held on this long for the people I love, so when am I going to hold on for myself? When am I going to want to? Things never looked up, and all the Instagram quotes give me false hope. I don’t know where to begin, but this. This feels like the end.

[weirdmageddon]

ok i think i had one of the worst days of my life today. im just gonna go over everything that happened so just be prepared for some nastiness. i felt like this all day:

so i woke up feeling weird like something was “off”. it weirdly difficult to wake up and get out of bed, i felt bloated, i had an abnormal gag reflex while taking my pills. then when i got on the toilet……well idk how to put this delicately but i had a watery shitsplosion. and i was like. well ok. maybe it was just once. so i told my mom and got dressed and was just about to walk to class but i felt hot water in my colon about to be dispensed so i went right the fuck back to my dorm’s toilet. guess i was dead wrong. and dead wrong i would be. because holy shit this is only the beginning.

i sent an ask to the teaching assisant before my class saying “hey you got a zoom link i cant come in person i’m in the bathroom fighting for my life”. i would be fighting for my life in there the majority of the day.

so this is not good, i’m having a category 5 tummy event. i’m losing water quickly. i need to get hydrated.

so i rush myself to the student rec center because i know they have powerade zero in one of the vending machines. i swiped my card. “bad swipe. please try again.” i tried swiping it again twice more, both saying i had a bad swipe. i took out some physical cash and tried putting it in but the vending machine wouldn’t take it. it was broken. great.

lunch was being served at the time so from the cafeteria i got 3 bananas unfortunately all unripe, one toasted unbuttered bagel, and a handful of saltines. halfway through that i was back in the bathroom shitting my brains out. so i’m like, okay. i was talking to my mom the entire time during this btw. she is telling me i need to go to CVS for imodium. see the fucking issue with that is my asshole is leaking frothy bowel fluid unpredictably and there is absolutely nobody that can help me.

i told my RA the vending machines were broken and she told me the boar’s head sandwich shop in the cafeteria opens up at 1 and they have powerade there. so after 1 i went there, tummy very much upset and i’m just desperately clenching my cheeks like a drawbridge. they had no zero sugar powerade, just regular. i bought the powerade anyway. i’ve been trying to lose the freshman pounds i’ve been putting on and this would make that so much harder but i need the electrolytes. so i left with my powerade and as soon as i opened the door my stomach made the worst noise. like you know jerma worst noise? tummy worst noise 2022. and i swear humans can really learn quickly what signals mean because in every single one of these cases, that specific gurgling i got is a surefire signal to GET MY ASS A TOILET AS FAST AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

anyway i told this to my mom. so she says i may have covid because theres some gut-related problems being recorded with the new omicron variant. but the more likely scenario is that i have a norovirus that’s causing me gastroenteritis.

my mom says to call the wellness center and i’m like really losing my mind at this point because 1. theyre not on campus. theyre on another campus. 2. what the fuck are they gonna do over the phone??? i call them anyway and i’m like starting to cry now.

there was a rapid covid testing site set up outside of boar’s head literally MINUTES before but after 2pm they took it down. i was like, full on crying now. i am absolutely in hell. long story short i called that wellness center they signed me up for their patient portal and scheduled me for a PCR and rapid covid test tomorrow which i’ll be doing. but i was like boiling with frustration at this point. none of this is solving my current fucking issue. how fucking hard is it to get someone to go to CVS and get imodium for me so i can stop the onslaught of diarrhea i am current facing.

also at this point i had to reach into the emergency stock toilet paper because we ran out. and it was hurting my asshole so bad. after this i decided that since nobody was going to help me i had to bite the onions and risk shit dripping down my pants and go to CVS myself. i bought the imodium, some pepto bismol, and a gatorade zero after waiting on line between a stupid asshole in front of me taking forever to pay and a screaming child behind me whose mother just let him carry on. i tried to get the fuck out of there. but my card didnt go through so i had to step back in and try it again. then i got the fuck out of there. and as soon as i was leaving and at the red light my stomach did the Bad Churn and i was like. fuck no. no no. but i managed to suck it back up into my colon through sheer force of mental will and gluteus muscle power.

after yelling in the car at slow drivers on the road (nearly in tears…again), i found that someone took my parking space closer to my dorm room—course—so i had to powerwalk. when i got back i went straight for the bathroom for the i dont fuckin knowth time.

my ass felt like hellfire now. like someone stuck a sour warhead candy in my asshole and it eroded the membrane. and honestly considering that diarrhea is acidic that’s basically what happened at the chemical level. couldnt find any flushable wipes at CVS so all i have is this thin, coarse toilet paper. i was in HELL. and yet it still somehow managed to get worse.

anyway at least i have my imodium. i’m told to take one after every loose stool. i brought my gatorade and the medication into the bathroom for just that. the thing is the little silver sheets they come in are IMPOSSIBLE to fucking open. i managed to tear it with my bare teeth using an unnecessary amount of force to open them.

after two imodium, i noticed my bowels started to behave. i could actually exit the bathroom and feel at peace. so i went to lay down in bed and i began writing my professors a letter saying i’m sorry for two setbacks in a row (the first was the medication notification i sent them yesterday that my meds i need to stay awake and focus still haven’t been refilled. they are now though.)

i was just so upset because i was planning on actually doing work today because i FINALLY got my meds refilled, especially a lot of work for one of my big projects, but then i was hit with this. and i was trying to find a way to write a message to my professors, especially the one for that assignment where the due dates are firm unless there’s “documented exceptional circumstances” that this isn’t a joke to get out of doing work and and this legitimately immediately proceeded my medication notice even though i dont have a doctors note for it. but i sent it and thankfully i got an understanding response from that professor.

i was fine for about an hour. i was feeling really tired, my eyelids were heavy, still feeling terrible and bloated, and headache from crying. my stomach started to feel unsettled more than usual (in terms of today’s usual), so i took a pepto. i felt like complete shit. i still needed to do laundry, i still need to take a shower. everything at once was collapsing on me and i didnt have anyone to help me. my heart started to beat more aggressively, and that is never ever a good sign for me. in the back of my mind i knew what the fuck that was signaling but i dismissed it.

my mom told me to do my laundry tomorrow and that i should just get into a shower today. so i was preparing to get into the shower. i put on my shower flip-flops in but standing up gave me the runs so i ran in with my flip-flops on on.

and when i sat down i felt really, really sick. i couldn’t dismiss the way my heart was beating now, so knowing what that meant, i asked my mom, “what if i need to puke”. and she said “you will puke honey”

and what happened next was genuinely one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

i was suddenly spewing gastric liquid from both ends. i threw the fuck up all over myself and on the bathroom floor and i ran up without having wiped to the sink and threw up in there. and i swear i like i couldnt even think. my brain’s cortex literally just collapsed in this moment. my mind went blank. i had no idea where i was or what i was doing. i couldnt fucking think, i could not fucking see, my ears were all ringing and shit. i went back to the toilet as best i could and then started to process it. and i felt like i was going to fucking die in there with no one to hear me or help me. i literally couldn’t see anything for such a prolonged time. my vision was just white and spotty and i was dizzy and breathing heavy. i was staring at the ceiling just trying to process what the fuck just happened, the mess i now have to deal with, and the implications for it made me feel like i was in a dream and i was having a nightmare. i was just literally on the toilet sopping wet from cold sweat and vomit, the majority of which was pooled in my underwear and pants, behind multiple doors that require keys to access, away from home, with none of my roommates around (my pants are pulled down which would be humiliating if they were around anyway). and given that this is some kind of virus it’s highly contagious. so i just sat there and thought nobody was going to help me, i might fucking die if not from dehydration then from brain damage because it’s been a minute and my vision still isn’t back to normal, and ive never felt so fucking helpless in my entire life.

i tried my hardest texting my mom but i couldnt fucking see what i was typing.

the symptoms were like the kind where you stand up fast except way more intense. this lasted for a solid two minutes (according to the timestamps on the messages i sent my mom)

after this my mom called me and she guided me through what i should do but just Having someone there made all the difference.

despite all this, i went into the shower and washed all the undigested green beans and peanuts from YESTERDAY (so apparently my stomach was having issues yesterday if these were undigested) out of my clothes and flushed them down the toilet, i sanitized the bathroom from head to toe with lysol wipes, took a shower for myself as i was intending to anyway but kept having anxiety waves that made me feel like i was gonna throw up again but i didn’t. miserable hell. at this point standing up made me queasy but i went back to my room and slowly opened two new garbage bags, one for my wet clothes and the other for if i had to puke again. i got up and took my smelly wet clothes hanging in the shower and stuffed them in the bag but had to take a breather. then i took the bag from inside the wastebasket, tied it up, and put in the new garbage bag and put it next to my bed if i had to puke again. then i climbed into bed in my velcro towel and headwrap and my mom stayed on with me until i was feeling better and she had to shower. been sipping my fluids to rehydrate. i laid in bed until i felt well enough to change into some pajamas. though i really wished i had someone who couldve … idk at least actively aided me though? idk why it’s always me bending over backwards for myself when im in fucking hell right now.

and here i am now writing this post. lol sorry needed to vent

[dhwty-writes]

A Wizard’s Spellbook

I honestly don't know what this is. This whole thing was just born from the "a wizards spellbook" prompt for Shadowgastober and the missing apostrophe that got me wondering... Because it makes a pretty big difference where you place that.

There’s not a lot of shadowgast in this, I still hope you’ll have fun reading this!

Summary:  Why, you will ask yourself, does your professor leave his book on his desk during his lessons? Why then, does he keep it open, why does he invite you to look at it, why is he so careless? Doesn't he know that only the wizard who works alone will succeed? Doesn't he know that solitude mitigates risks? Doesn't he know that that's the thing about wizards? Eventually there is only one left.

Professor Widogast, his wizard's spellbook, and the many lessons he learned from his friends.

Warnings: light lifespan angst

Read on AO3

A wizard's spellbook, they will tell you when you start to study magic, is their most prized possession. They will not share it. They will not lend it. They will not leave it unsupervised.

Guard your spells and guard your knowledge, they will say, lest they be perverted, perfected, poached. Write in a cypher no-one knows, they will teach you, that you have created yourself. As a dragon hoards its gold, a wizard hoards their magic.

If you are offered a spell, grab it and take it, you likely won't get another chance. If you can find a wizard's spellbook, grab it and take it, you likely won't get another chance. If you are offered friendship, don't take it, you likely will end up with a knife in your back. 

Be selfish. Be cruel. Be stronger, better, mightier than anyone else.

So why then, you will ask yourself, does your professor leave his book on his desk during his lessons? Why then, does he keep it open, why does he invite you to look at it, why is he so careless? Doesn't he know that only the wizard who works alone will succeed? Doesn't he know that solitude mitigates risks? Doesn't he know that that's the thing about wizards? Eventually there is only one left.

"Professor Widogast," you will say, "should you not keep your spells secret?"

He will laugh and say: "That is the way of wizards of ages past. I learned from my friend at the Cobalt Soul that all knowledge must be shared."

Your professor will have many stories like that, learned from many friends. The first time he shows you a page in his spellbook you will balk at the obscene drawings in the margins. Again, his eyes will crinkle and he'll say: "I learned from my friend, who gave powers to her god, that the world always needs a little more chaos."

You professor is a strange man with strange antics, as old men are wont to be. But he just might be the strangest of them all. He will laugh and joke, he will ask you to give your opinions, to think for yourself, quiz you on the ethics of wizardry (which is the test most of his students fail, even more than their dreaded final thesis). He will drink dead-people-tea and occasionally talk about a traveller named Artie, who apparently stops by from time to time. He's voyaged aboard legendary ships such as the Nein Heroez and was close friends with Archmage Beck, a Shadowhand, as well as a Plank King. You will be convinced that not even half of his stories are true—there can't be a weasel inhabited by an archfey pretending to be a god, surely not—but then he returns with proof and you will have to reconsider your entire worldview. 

Once he will walk around and gesticulate with his spellbook and a pressed flower will float out. When they ask about it, he will reply: "This is a lesson I learned from my gentlest friend: it is important to remember those you love; and it is important to learn how to move on."

Once you realise his offers are genuine, you will stay longer after class and ask if you might see his spellbook. When you look at the first page and ask about the dozens of names and titles that are all attributed to him, he will nod solemnly and say: "If you are in a relationship that does not suit your needs, it is never too late to change your allegiances. This I was taught by my friend who challenged, threatened, and denied a demigod and lived to tell the tale."

You will be taught that wizards do not share, yet that is exactly what your professor asks you to do. So eventually, you have two options. Eventually, you will drop out of his class—his school is not the one you're interested in anyways, you want to learn Evocation which is his third-favourite school. Or, eventually, you will learn to speak up when your professor asks for your opinions. Eventually, you will learn to challenge his. And eventually, you will learn that he will just listen and nod along. In the end, he will praise you for your thoughts and say: "This is what I learned from my considerate friend, who almost let another live his life, because he thought it was the right thing to do: solitude might be safe, but it's not fulfilling. You need to share with others who have the same powers as you do and might just find out that what they do is way cooler." You are not quite sure what that statement has to do with a spectral lollipop.

When you will ask about a spell you try to remake, your professor will smile and offer his help. You had just hoped for advice, maybe, and do not know how to deal with that offer. At your confusion he replies: "I learned from my friend who's an alchemist and detective, that when you work together you just might make the impossible possible. And you just might become who you're meant to be."

You learn how to work with your professor and learn more about his wizard's spellbook. You learn that it is so heavy he cannot lift it without adjusting its gravity. You learn that this is not his first spellbook, that he began creating it with his husband. You learn that there are some pages that are so covered with annotations and corrections, that they are barely legible; some are annotated with glued-in papers that together could cover the entire Academy. You will whisper to your friends about this and he'll hear you and chime in: "This is a lesson I had to learn myself. You will make mistakes and you may regret them. But you cannot erase them, so you will just learn how to live with them, learn from them, and do better in the future." 

At some point, when you are working on your third or fifth or tenth spell, you will reach the part where you are stuck. Where none of the knowledge either of you have amassed, none of the rules and guidelines can help you. Then, your professor will sweep his age-white hair out of his eyes and sigh: "I have almost no lessons left to share with you, but this is what my friend, the pirate, taught me: fuck the rules." Surprisingly to both of you, that will work. Surprisingly to one of you what will solve the problem is a combination of Transmutation and Dunamancy—an idea your professor will not tell you where it originated. 

    When you finish that spell, your professor will laugh and hug you and do a little dance. After, you will finally ask him about his strange wizard's spellbook. Your professor will sigh and deflate and suddenly you will realise just how much time he must have spent on this earth (how long does it take for an elf to even show a single wrinkle? How long until they are looking as ancient as him?)

"It's easy," he will reply, "for this is no wizard's spellbook. This I learned from my husband, who taught young mages like you before me: this is a wizards' spellbook. Every student I ever taught, every friend I ever made, every soul I cared for, I ask to add to this tome." He will smile thoughtfully, tears glimmering in the corner of his eyes." Look," he will say, "it's almost full. Hopefully, in time I may pass it on."

And hopefully, in time you may find that what they tell you is wrong. Hopefully, in time you may find that Professor Essek Widogast and his many lessons from his many friends are right. Hopefully, in time you may pass them on and leave the world better than you found it.